GAME OVER: YOU LOSE – The Band Breaks Up

A Story of a Real World Emotional IQ Test Failed

This one is a story of a coaching client that failed

I know coaches aren’t supposed to talk about their failures,

but here I am, and here it goes.

There was a local band with hot prospects that asked for me to come alongside as a coach and mentor for the band.

I had met with them a couple of times when they were just starting out to encourage them in their original music endeavor. As they reached a small measure of success, they recognized the need for something on a regular schedule – so I became mentor to the band.

Things were going fairly well for a while. I coached them on some key skills to develop, helped them communicate more effectively, and I chaired a couple of hard meetings and helped them work through some difficult issues.

They had come to the attention of a big-name band. They were being considered as an opener. The leader of the band was developing a personal relationship with the famous, successful band, and everything appeared poised for a whole new level of success.

 FRICTION

Emotions are a funny thing. They are there to help us and protect us. Sometimes they help us do the wrong thing, and they “protect us” from the very thing we want.

I admit that I didn’t adequately coach the band of Emotional Intelligence. In retrospect, what I should have done was insist that getting and listening to some of my programs was a prerequisite to me working with them. If they had listened to my programs, it would have allowed me to work with them much more effectively.

I did teach them a critical lesson

Friction

To start up as a brand new band, they all had to be willing to start at the ground floor. To work on their first CD release, they had to invest of themselves with no promise of reward. When they first started getting gigs, they had to be willing to perform for free just to get out there. It takes a certainly willingness to stay at a “we haven’t gotten anywhere” level to do all that. 

Now with great success possible, I warned them about friction. Their emotions had adapted to being starving musicians. That was comfortable for them. They could face that day in and day out and work from there.

Success would be uncomfortable at first

DISCOMFORTThe emotion of Discomfort means you’re facing something with a risk of harm of some kind. When they were on the bottom clawing their way up, there really wasn’t anything to lose. It was all an upward climb and there was no place to fall to.

With the prospect of sudden fame meandering near, suddenly there WAS something to lose. That was a whole different thing than they were used to.

The Self-Protection Reaction to Discomfort is “create space.” That means you reflexively try to put some distance between you and the thing you’re afraid might result in harm. I this case, they should be prepared for their emotions to undermine what they were trying to do – and make their choices accordingly. 

Now maybe if they had listened to my Emotional Genius Program and I was more of full time consultant, I might have been able to help them more. As it was, they ran off and did things without talking to me. I got wind of it after the fact.

Some of the band members suddenly started taking longer to get their part of the music done.

That was one manifestation of the emotional drive to “create space” from the fear of falling if they got to the top. The leader of the band got impatient, so he gathered some other musicians to put some music together, which was another manifestation – since his band mates would not like it. They would feel like he was replacing them to go for big success without them.

BROKEN BAND: GAME OVER

Well, as you can imagine, things erupted. With layer upon layer of poor Emotional Intelligence, they failed the real-life test given to them. By the time I was called, people were Angry, Hurt, and Frustrated.

Apologies were made, but some of the words exchanged were very serious. People were furious, others were in tears. I did what I could, but it was too late. They had done very, very serious damage to their relationships.

By the time we had the meeting they asked me to help with, they had all been fuming for a while. Spouses and friends had gotten involved in the “army building” the fueled sides and resulted in some digging in.  

There can be extra volatility with groups of artists, and there certainly was here. I had taught them the basics of what they needed to know, but I should have had them listen to Language of Emotions and Pure Power before we got that far. It was more than I was contracted to do, but in retrospect, I should have worked to persuade them to do that. I didn’t sell them on more than they asked for, and as a result I failed to give them what they needed

I talk about the importance of already having the Emotional Intelligence you need before you actually need it. This was one of those cases when they needed more than I had taught them.

Actually, they would have done well just to heed my warning about Friction. They didn’t. Had life thrown this problem at them a few months later I would have had them ready – but life is like that: Life is full of pop quizzes. 

We never know when life will throw a pop quiz at us, but when it does, we want to be ready!

Some of the members of that band are launching another project. For their new band, they have new wisdom, new skill, and at least one of them is consulting with me early and often. This time, if such a huge opportunity comes along, this time the band will be ready!

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