Sex and Affair Proofing

Dr Dave M Jenkins, DMin, LMFT

Marriage 101Part 3

The Rescue Kit

• Page 30 • Affair Risk Assessment

Danger Test

1. You’ve said “If I weren’t married…”2. You look back or turn around for a better

view when passing the opposite gender3. Stare at an attractive person for longer than

10 seconds4. Fantasize about someone else during sex5. Flirt in order to feel good about yourself

Myths

• Happy marriages don’t have affairs• I will only be attracted to my spouse• People married more that 20 years do not

have affairs• Love is enough to protect my marriage• I have no time to have an affair• My spouse has no reason to be jealous of my

best friend (who is of the opposite sex)

What is an Affair

• When is it an affair?

– Physical– Emotional– Virtual

• What does your spouse think it is?

Disappointments and Justifications

• Sex life takes a back seat

• Becomes routine

• Another duty

• Stress release

Walls go up

• It’s hard to talk through walls• Couple stops investing in each other

emotionally– They are emotionally empty – and vulnerable

• Couples get out of sync • Fail to meet each others needs

Vulnerabilities

• Lack of emotional connection• Fail to communicate needs• Different sex drives• Little to no sexual contact• Flirting / poor boundaries• High exposure to opposite sex• Family history• Past relationships• Social networking sites, i.e., Facebook

Why People Have Affairs

• Revenge, anger, hurt• Stress release• Under the influence• Poor boundaries• Sexual fulfillment / emotional fulfillment• Want to• Curious

False Message

• It’s just sex, • At least we didn’t kiss• It’s no big deal• I deserve to be happy• My mother put up with it• I married the wrong person• If you’re not getting it at home, it’s ok to roam

Plant Hedges• Two’s company but

three’s …– Protection

• Recognize vulnerabilities and mitigate the risks

• No Facebook friends with exes unless they are friends with your spouse

• You flirt with your spouse, I’ll flirt with mine

Sex and Affair Proofing

Dr Dave M Jenkins, DMin, LMFT

Marriage 101Part 4

Sex and Affection

• Men and women bond differently

• COMMUNICATE• Different Desires• Use Symbols to initiate

interested– Light a candle – Or use code words

• Men and Women are wired differently– Most men’s testosterone levels will cycle and

peak about every 72 hours– For most women the longer they go without sex,

the easier it is• Men just need you to show up• Eliminate pornography and masturbation

Sex and Affection

The Rescue Kit

• Pages 26 – 27• Increasing Interest in Making Love

• Eliminate all forms of PORN, external stimulation and masturbation

• Drop the lover or outside emotional support• Seek amnesty and forgive each other• Drop unrealistic expectations• Start talking

– About your fears– Expectations– Relationship goals

What to do about it?

The Rescue Kit

• Pages 28 - 29 • Porn Assessment Tool

Restoration

• Remove the walls– Communicate!– Total honesty!– Accountability!

• Close the windows– Eliminate the lover

• Establish and grow hedges• Develop a marriage mission statement

Forgiveness

• Means:o You give up your rights to retributiono You will not hold their offense against them,o Even though you know they might offend again

• Is not the same as forgetting• But is does mean that I choose not to RECALL• Grant amnesty

Take Care of Business

• Communicate– Spend quantity time together

• Invest– In each other– Love language– Meet needs

• Bond: Rediscover each others needs– Affection– Sexual

• Protect– Plant hedges

10 Rules of Marriage

1. Never be angry at the same time2. Never yell unless the house is on fire3. Self-denial should be the daily goal of each4. Never taunt with past mistakes5. Never make a remark at the expense of the

other

The Rescue Kit

HOMEWORKDiscuss together the following

• Pages 14 – 15• Page 20

• Pages 31 – 32

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– Rediscover Your Soul Mate

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