Karyn B. Purvis, Ph.D, David R.

Cross, Ph.D., and Wendy Lyons Sunshine

Equal parts of affection and discipline are

vital to a child‟s healing.

At-risk, adopted kids tend to absorb the

message that they are unwelcome in this

world. They easily feel unimportant,

unworthy, and rejected.

Harmed and adopted children will often

come to you with entrenched negative self-

images and feelings of failure.

Poor self-esteem is linked to a variety of

behavioral and health problems, as well as to

an increased risk for drug and alcohol abuse

in adolescence.

Play is a safe route to the heart of a harmed

child and a powerful vehicle for healing.

Turn off your phones

Lay all chores aside

Focus your

full, undivided attention

on your child.

Let yourself be directed

in play by your child.

Playful interaction can also be used as the

first level of discipline.

Praise the child for his or her efforts no

matter how modest they might seem to you

as an accomplished adult.

If you don‟t have time to guide and teach

your child in the course of the day, you‟re

doing too much

If your child has:

History of harm

Sensory processing issues

Intense fear response

Then sustained eye contact may be more

than he or she can accept in the beginning.

Giving eye contact should convey how

much you value your child

Eye contact can also be used to

endure you have your child‟s attention

Never use eye contact as an excuse to

give your child a mean or angry stare

A mother and

baby coo and smile

and giggle at each

other.

A child assuming

the same posture

that her parent is

sitting in.

The synchrony of

two children

playing together

You can reach children most effectively by

using a positive approach

As often as possible, lavish your child with

genuine encouragement and praise

It is secreted into the body at higher levels

during the body‟s „fight or flight‟ response to

stress.

It is an important and helpful part of the

body‟s response to stress

People are biologically „wired‟ to react

differently to stress by the secretion of cortisol

their body naturally produces.

In our current high-stress culture, the body‟s

stress response is activated so often that the

body doesn‟t always have a chance to return to

normal, resulting in a state of chronic stress.

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Small increases have

positive effects:

Quick burst of energy for

survival reasons

Heightened memory functions

Burst of increased immunity

Lower sensitivity to pain

Maintains homeostasis in the

body

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Higher and prolonged levels have negative effects:

Impaired cognitive performance

Suppressed thyroid function

Blood sugar imbalances

Decreased bone density

Decreased muscle tissue

Higher blood pressure

Lowered immunity

Increased abdominal fat- which could be associated with a greater amount of health problems

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Make sure your body language

and voice match the upbeat

message

Look for opportunities

Don‟t speak falsehoods just to

be kind

“Don‟t run”

“Don‟t yell”

“Don‟t throw that”

“Remember to walk”

“Practice walking”

“Stop”

“Speak softly”

“Use your indoor voice”

“Hand it gently”

Celebrate the very best

of who you know your

child to be

Help express the

beautiful inner core of

your child

When they do

something right or

kind, label that as „My

Child‟

FOCUS

ON

THE

REAL

CHILD

Goofball

AVOID

NEGATIVE

LABELS

A „trust bank‟ is the ongoing incremental

effort required to reach an at-risk child.

Break through fearfulness

and unease through

genuine affection, praise,

and felt safety.

Meet your child‟s needs joyfully, not

begrudgingly.

trust

Linked to skill or

behavior

Can be revoked

Causes insecurity

Something intrinsic

Can‟t be taken away

Teaches them they

are wonderful for who

they are not what

they can do.

PERFORMANCE- BASED UNCONDITIONAL/NURTURING

Linked to skill or

behavior

Can be revoked

Causes insecurity

Something intrinsic

Can‟t be taken away

Teaches them they

are wonderful for who

they are not what

they can do.

PERFORMANCE- BASED UNCONDITIONAL/NURTURING

• “You got it right, you are so

smart”

• “Good job, I knew you could

get that goal”

• “Great job at looking both

ways before crossing, you are

such a good kid.”

EXAMPLES

• “You are so wonderful, I love

you”

•“You have such a beautiful

smile”

•“I‟m glad you are my son”

•“You are such a joy to me”

Get A

Handle

On

Feelings

Unresolved Sadness

Anger Aggression Lethargy

EXCITED HAPPY HURTING/PAIN

DESPERATE SAD SCARED

SILLY INVISABLE ANGRY

SURPRISED

AMUSED

MISCHEVIOUS

Disrespectfully Respectfully

You suck

No fair

Go away

I hate you

That sucks

“I feel sad, mad

or angry”

I feel jealous of

my brother”

“I feel sad and

need alone

time”

“I feel sad or

angry”

“My heart is

sad”

Reassure your child

that everyone has

feelings

“It‟s always

okay to say how

you feel with

respect”

Help give them

language for how

they feel and the

words they can use

to express it

respectfully.

ENCOURAGE YOUR CHILD

TO LISTEN TO HIS HEART

The burden is on the parent to be aware of what is going on for a

child

It is the task of a caretaker to make sure a child‟s needs are met

Prompt your child to tell you their needs:

Start your child off with “I feel…” and let them supply the rest.

Tell them, “Use your words to tell me what you need”

Invite the child to describe the color of his/her feelings

Invite them to draw the feeling

Develop a life book

Have the child chronicle his or her own life story- be sure

not to „correct‟ them with their story.

Do not try to dictate or direct your child‟s feelings, let him

release whatever is bottled up inside.

Make the experience of sharing

authentic and safe

1. No prying

2. No poking

3. No pushing

4. Don‟t us a cattle prod

A good time to task about feelings is when you and

your child are sharing a calm and

relaxed, interactive and safe time together.

EMPHASIZE RELATIONSHIPSTake the emphasis off things and put it back on

people interacting together

Don‟t send your child off to play alone,

instead try reading a book together

Have a child help you wash the car

instead of paying her to do it alone

Have your son help dad work on the car

In every known species, touch

is the first sense to develop

Nature has designed us to

need regular, warm, and

affectionate touch

Is important for everyone‟s

physiological health

Builds interpersonal bonds

Improves brain chemistry

Most children are not getting

an adequate amount of touch

during the day

Hugs stimulate pressure receptors which in

turn send a message to the vagus nerve

(cranial nerve X)

They can curb stress hormones such as

cortisol

Hugs help with the release of serotonin

Giving a hug can facilitate food

absorption and the digestion

process (related to the vagus

nerve)

In order to:

Overcome early life

sensory impairments

Build optimal brain

functioning

Regulate moods

Some Examples include

games that:

Involve balance

Help hand-eye coordination

Use repetitive motion

Include sliding or hanging

Handle The Rough Spots

SMOOTHLY

Treat your young one with respect, and deal

matter-of-factly with the problem at hand.

Remember: bed-wetting and clumsiness are

not personal assaults against you as a parent

Anytime you‟re temped to lash out in

frustration, take a deep breath and imagine

yourself in his or her embarrassing position.