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A comprehensive overview of the research about what happens before, during, and after divorce and a focus on exploding the popular myths about marriage and divorce.
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What to Say to Your Friends Who Are Considering Divorce
Kevin Karlson JD PhD
Who Am I and Why Am I Qualified to Talk about Divorce
Education PhD Psychology JD Law degree
Experience 30 years experience as consultant,
marriage counselor, child custody expert, divorce recovery
Personal experience Divorced
How do experts predict divorce?By watching couples interact
A one to one ratio between positive and negative interactions (for happy couples the ratio of positive/negative interactions is 20 to 1).
Mutual criticism (personal attacks on character, NOT complaints about specific behavior).
Defensiveness (“no I didn’t”, “yes but…”, “let’s talk about what YOU did…” or other denials of any personal responsibility).
Stonewalling (refusing to talk in order to avoid conflict). Contempt for the partner (eye rolling, sarcastic humor,
mocking).
The presence of these 5 behaviors in any couple are DANGER signs: Couples who act like this have an 85% probability of divorce within
2 years.
What are the other predictors of divorce?
People who have second thoughts before the wedding are more likely to divorce
People who fail to reach detailed agreements about money (a budget), and children are more likely to divorce (especially in 2nd marriages which are high risk anyway)
Biggest risks: years 5-7 and 10-12 of a marriage
Marital unhappiness is temporary
Researchers interviewed a large group of married couples A significant number of those couples
described their current marriage as “very unhappy”
When these same “ very unhappy” couples were interviewed 2 years later, more than 80% of them described their marriage as “very HAPPY”
Lesson: When in doubt, do nothing and wait; the storm will pass.
What does Godly marriage look like? Paul writes in Ephesians 5:
21 And the Spirit makes it possible to submit humbly to one another out of respect for the Anointed.
22 Wives, it should be no different with your husbands. Submit to them as you do to the Lord, 23 for God has given husbands a sacred duty to lead as the Anointed leads the church and serves as the head. (The church is His body; He is her Savior.) 24 So wives should submit to their husbands, respectfully, in all things, just as the church yields to the Anointed One.
25-26 Husbands, you must love your wives so deeply, purely, and sacrificially that we can understand it only when we compare it to the love the Anointed One has for His bride, the church.
Divorce is a spiritual issue Marital difficulties are ALWAYS a spiritual
issue with real world symptoms Marital harmony is a fruit of the Spirit
For those who follow Him and live in the Spirit, these characteristics or fruits are a gift from God. As we grow in the faith, we find that we belong to God and can walk daily in the Spirit. The Holy Spirit produces a different kind of fruit: unconditional love, joy, peace, patience, kindheartedness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. You won’t find any law opposed to fruit like this. Galatians 5:21-24
Discord and divorce are from the Enemy
Worldly wisdom may promise the good life, but it leads to chaos and destruction every time. Ultimately true wisdom comes from God. Where do you think your fighting and endless conflict come from? Don’t you think that they originate in the constant pursuit of gratification that rages inside each of you like an uncontrolled militia? James 4:1-3
Spiritual Warfare-general principles
We wrestle not with flesh and blood but…▪ Ephesians 6:12
All our thoughts are not our own▪ Matthew 16:22-23
Take every thought captive▪ 2 Corinthians 10:5
Separate them from the evil within▪ Romans 7: 15-17
Forgive; it’s not optional▪ Luke 23:34 Matthew 6:14-15
Predictors of divorce:the spiritual truths
PSYCHOLOGICAL FACTOR Equal #
positives/negatives Criticism (character
attacks) Defensiveness Stonewalling Contempt
POSSIBLE SPIRITS
Unforgiveness? Bitterness
Accusation ? Pride? Stubborness? Murder with the tongue
?
Common spirits in conflicts
Recognizing the spirits at work pride un-forgiveness bitterness accusation control/domination rebellion murder of the tongue
Spiritual warfare-tools
Recognize the spirit(s) in you Repent Receive forgiveness
THEN Respond in love Say “No” to the flashcards of past
wrongs Resist when they return
▪ James 4:7 Replace them with Scripture
Walking it out
When you stumble Repent Forgive yourself, God has; you’re only
human Pray Start over
Pray for your spouse every day; in front your kids Ask God to bless them
Most important lessons
Your spouse may never change Your changed response to every
interaction will change the relationship over time
Be diligent, patient, believe that God will move
Forgiveness is giving up the hope for a better yesterday...Faith is giving up the expectation that tomorrow will be just like today.
Exploding the myths of divorce: The truth
What if the Enemy wins this battle, an d divorce seems likely
What are the legal options?
Traditional divorce Each spouse hires a lawyer File paperwork; get served Discovery: documents, depositions, experts Hearings, mediation, trial
Collaborative divorce 2 lawyers, financial expert, MHP No court, ever Series of meetings to settle money, property, kids
New option Pre-divorce mediation (parties only; no lawyers)
How long will it take?
The prevailing myth: 60 days or so The truth: average divorce in Dallas
area now takes about 15 MONTHS; more if it is a high conflict case
Collaborative cases are shorter
How much will it cost?
The myth: a few thousand dollars The truth: the average US divorce
costs $15K in legal and expert fees (average family income is around $60K; average net worth is about $250K, property is usually cars, house, 401K)
Increasing net worth increases divorce costs: Up to about $5M, fees are around $100K North of $5M, fees rapidly increase to
>$1M
My spouse hurt me deeply, will I get justice?
The myth: I will get to tell my story to the judge, and he will side with me and give me everything I want
The truth: Never happens No spouse gets their “day in court” to tell
their story Lawyers and judges are obligated to solve
the LEGAL issues: property division, custody/visitation, money– period
Bad facts lead to 55/45 property division
What about custody and visitation?
The myth: My spouse was a jerk and the kids will never have to see him again
The truth: Unless dad was abusive or substance abuser (confirmed by 3rd party/experts), dad will get at least 1st, 3rd, and 5th weekends and summer visitation Parents can agree to 50/50 visitation 10 years after divorce, 78% of children
reside primarily with mothers
Life after Divorce:More myths exploded
And after the legal divorce has concluded, then what
Stages of Divorce Recovery
EMOTIONAL
Denial Anger Bargaining Depression Acceptance Forgiveness
SPIRITUAL
Confusion, Fear Bitterness Doubt; Fear Oppression; Death Faith, Peace Forgiveness
Challenges and Changes
For adults Personal-Roles, Relationships, Future Plans Emotional Family/Parental Economic
For kids Loss of an intact family Mom’s house/Dad’s house Ongoing conflict between parents Emotional risks
Post Divorce Challenges for Adults
Personal-Roles, Relationships, Future Plans
Emotional Family/Parental Economic
Emotional challenges
Nearly everyone recovers; many grow
Recovery takes time and faith Recovery requires time alone Recovery requires self care Recovery requires loving not
romantic relationships Recovery requires a new vision for
the future Recovery is a spiritual as well as
emotional challenge
Personal challenges
Discover/create a new identity Re/discover your personal
Vision Purpose/Mission Values/Beliefs Goals and a strategy for achieving them Career Epitaph
Relational challenges
Friends What kind of a friend are you? What kind of friends do you want? What kind of friends do you have now?
Parents What kind of a parent are you? How do you treat your own parents? What kind of parent do you want to be?
Partners What did you learn about yourself as a partner from
your marriage? CAPT; Love languages What do you want to do differently next time?
Financial challenges
Your financial vision for your future Budgeting Being a good steward Tithing
(Read “The Blessed Life” by Pastor Robert)
A shared financial vision (and budget) is critical to marital peace and success
Spiritual challenges
Marriage belongs to the Kingdom; divorce belongs to the Enemy’s kingdom
Spiritual challenges/temptations of divorce Paul in Galatians 5:▪ It’s clear that our flesh entices us into practicing
some of its most heinous acts: participating in corrupt sexual relationships, impurity, unbridled lust, 20 idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, arguing, jealousy, anger, selfishness, contentiousness, division, 21 envy of others’ good fortune, drunkenness, drunken revelry, and other shameful vices that plague humankind.
Most common spiritual after-effects of divorce
Un-forgiveness Spirits of bitterness Spirits of accusation Spirits of control/domination Murder with the tongue
Post Divorce Challenges for Kids
Loss of an intact family Mom’s house/Dad’s house Ongoing conflict between parents Emotional risks (for about 1 of 3 kids)▪ Four times more like to have problems with peers▪ Three times more likely to need counseling▪ Two times more likely to drop out of school▪ As adults, two times more likely to be suicidal
Post Divorce Risks for Kids
Loss of an intact family Mom’s house/Dad’s house Ongoing conflict between parents Emotional risks (for about 1 of 3 kids)▪ Four times more like to have problems with peers▪ Three times more likely to need counseling▪ Two times more likely to drop out of school▪ As adults, two times more likely to be suicidal
Special risks for fatherless kids
▪ Four times more likely to be poor
▪ More likely to have behavior problems
▪ Mother is more likely to be depressed
▪ More likely to experience asthma/ respiratory illnesses
More likely to be victim of abuse
More likely to be sexually active as a teen
More likely to abuse drugs/alcohol
More likely to end up in jail
When All Else Fails: Minimizing the Damage Before, During, and After Divorce
Based on the book by Dr. Karlson
