Robots Against Racism

by

Simeon Rose

Based on Short Circuit

Simeon Rose, 12/06/2010

EXT. STEPHANIE’S HOUSE, GRASS VERGE - EVENING

Oregon’s Astoria Bridge still provides the back-drop for the house made famous by Johnny 5’s visit in the 80s blockbuster, Short Circuit.

Not much has changed since the house’s days under Hollywood’s spotlights, but its once white wooden panels have since begun to peel and fade. Sat on the grass verge outside the house sits the lady that played Stephanie, Ally Sheedy. She looks impatiently at her watch and tuts.

There is a stillness to the scene - as if memories are all that is left to fill this ghost town.

The stillness leaves when we hear the sound of caterpillar tracks crunching gravel and turn to see Johnny 5 racing up the drive towards Ally Sheedy.

JOHNNY 5Stephanie! Stephanie!

Ally Sheedy cracks a huge smile. It’s the kind of smile that only a mother with a robot for a child could smile. She stands and readies herself to hug Johnny 5 with the kind of hug that only a woman with a robot for a lover could hug.

JOHNNY 5 (CONT’D)Stephanieee! No disassemble! Stephanieeeeeeeeeeee!

ALLY SHEEDYNo disassemble?! Of course no disassem...

Confused, Ally Sheedy watches as Johnny 5 continues straight past her. She peers through his dust tracks to spot that the cause of Johnny 5’s panic is a Toyota Prius with Austin Pendleton driving and G.W. Bailey in the passenger’s seat. They’re both wearing floral shirts and sun hats and drinking guava juice.

CUT TO:

INT. AUSTIN PENDLETON’S PRIUS

AUSTIN PENDLETONEr... what’s going on?

G.W. BAILEYI.. I don’t kn..

AUSTIN PENDLETONDo something, dude!

With Johnny 5’s mad dash from the Prius now churning up the grass outside Stephanie’s house, G.W. Bailey leans out of the passenger window in an attempt to put him at ease.

G.W. BAILEYJohnny 5! Take it easy, friend! It’s us, Austin Pendleton and G.W. Bailey!

BACK TO:

EXT. ROAD LEADING TO STEPHANIE’S HOUSE

Johnny 5 covers his head with his hands and lets out a long robotic cry for help

JOHNNY 5Johnny 5 is alive! Please no dis-a-a-a-a-a-ssem-m-m-m-mble!

G.W. BAILEYChill out brother! Nobody’s gonna disassemble you! We’re your friends - not those guys you used to know, Skroeder and Howard...

Johnny 5 slows in his tracks for a moment. Unsure of the situation, he turns and lets his eyebrows do the talking. They ask whether or not he can really risk losing everything he has come to love just because two people who once wanted to kill him now claim to be his friends.

Stephanie’s heart melts when she sees the eyebrow thing and she can’t help but let slip a weird lop-sided smile.

But the moment is short lived, and having come to his senses, Johnny 5 stops running, turns, raises his laser gun and focuses in on the silent Prius behind him.

CUT TO:

INT. AUSTIN PENDLETON’S PRIUS

AUSTIN PENDLETONHoly mother of...

G.W. BAILEYFUCK!

Austin Pendleton slams his foot on the brake as G.W. Bailey simply closes his eyes and kisses his crucifix pendant.

CUT TO:

EXT. ROAD LEADING TO STEPHANIE’S HOUSE

2.

Now close to Ally Sheedy, A red laser bolt explodes out of Johnny 5 and blows out both front tyres of Austin Pendleton’s Prius.

The already braking car skids sideways in unspectacular fashion and lightly bumps into a wall. The air-bags shoot open and jam themselves up against the faces of Austin Pendleton and G.W. Bailey. For a moment there is absolute silence.

JOHNNY 5(breaking into Cypress Hill’s ‘Shoot ‘Em Up’)

Shoot 'em up, just shoot 'em up y'all, yeahShoot 'em up, just shoot 'em up (SHOOT 'EM UP!)Shoot 'em up, just shoot 'em up y'all, yeahShoot 'em up, just shoot 'em up (SHOOT 'EM UP!)

Johnny 5 spins and dances lost in the moment - seemingly having forgotten about any apparent danger for the time being.

EXT. AUSTIN PENDLETON’S PRIUS - EVENING

With both airbags filling the front of the car and the sound of Johnny 5 singing in the background, suddenly one of the back doors opens and out from it falls a third, and until now unseen, character. It’s a dishevelled and angry looking Steve Guttenberg.

STEVE GUTTENBERG(shouting)

Are you out of your mind?

Johnny 5 stops rapping and dancing when he hears Steve Guttenberg’s voice.

Steve Guttenberg begins to run towards Johnny 5.

JOHNNY 5Newton?

STEVE GUTTENBERGNo, it’s me - Steve Guttenberg!

JOHNNY 5Newton?

STEVE GUTTENBERGEr... no. It’s still me - Steve Guttenberg.

3.

JOHNNY 5Steve Guttenberg-Newton-Crosby?

STEVE GUTTENBERGSteve Guttenberg-Newton-Crosby?! What the hell kind of name is that?! Dude, seriously - it’s just me, Steve Guttenberg! Y’know - the world famous actor?

Johnny 5 raises his eyebrow suspiciously.

JOHNNY 5Then why are you being driven round by Howard and Skroeder?

In the background we see Austin Pendleton and G.W. Bailey grappling with their airbags. One attempts to correct Johnny 5, but we can’t really understand what he’s saying.

JOHNNY 5 (CONT’D)And world famous actor? Are you kidding me? I’m Perez Hilton’s number 1 fan and haven’t once seen your name...

STEVE GUTTENBERGHey! I can still make headlines, OK? Did you not see that video of me running naked through Central Park?!

Johnny 5 freezes. His eyes glaze over and there is an awkward pause. We pan around all of the other characters to see that they are all in similar states of shock. Nobody makes a sound.

CUT TO:

FULL SHOT - STEVE GUTTENBERG

His pants have disappeared and he is naked from the waist down. Still nobody reacts.

CUT BACK:

STEVE GUTTENBERG (CONT’D)Well?

JOHNNY 5Er... Naked?!

CUT TO:

4.

FULL SHOT - STEVE GUTTENBERG

Miraculously, his pants have reappeared. No mention is made of his second on camera without pants.

CUT BACK:

STEVE GUTTENBERGOh never mind. But I am world famous, OK?

Ally Sheedy runs into shot - looking puzzled, but still adoringly at Johnny 5.

STEVE GUTTENBERG (CONT’D)(Pointing at Ally Sheedy)

And so is she!

JOHNNY 5Stephanie?! No! Stephanie only delivers herbs in her snack shack!

ALLY SHEEDYJohnny 5 - please, listen to us. It’s true - my real name’s Ally. Ally Sheedy. And I am world famous... We all are.

JOHNNY 5All famous?

ALLY SHEEDYEvery one of us. You included, Johnny 5.

JOHNNY 5(Pointing at Steve Guttenberg)

And his penis too?

Ally Sheedy moves towards Johnny 5 and wraps her arms around him. She closes her eyes and whispers softly in his electronic sound sensor:

ALLY SHEEDYIt’s all true. I’ve missed you, Johnny 5.

Johnny 5 lowers his laser gun and wraps his arms back around Ally Sheedy. He gazes out at Steve Guttenberg, Austin Pendleton and G.W Bailey.

5.

JOHNNY 5I’ve missed you too. Ally. I’ve missed all of you.

Ally Sheedy kisses Johnny 5’s face

JOHNNY 5 (CONT’D)Group hug?

EXT - DRIVEWAY

Austin Pendleton’s seen and heard enough. His car’s a mess, and he’s now got guava juice all down his front. He strides towards the action with G.W. Bailey following behind.

AUSTIN PENDLETONGroup hug?! Are you for real, brother? You could’ve killed me back there!

Feeling left out, G.W. Bailey once again reaches for his crucifix, clutches it tightly in his fist and pipes up:

G.W. BAILEYBut you would have died a good man, Austin.

Austin Pendleton halts his stride abruptly - immediately softened by G.W. Bailey’s words. He turns to face G.W Bailey.

AUSTIN PENDLETONI don’t think that makes it OK, G.W Bailey, but that’s one of the sweetest things I’ve ever heard you say. Thank you.

G.W. Bailey nods his head graciously. The two men continue to walk towards the rest of the group on the grass verge.

AUSTIN PENDLETON (CONT’D)And it reminds me - we’ve come here for a reason. And that reason’s one that shouldn’t be overshadowed by my near death.

EXT - GRASS VERGE

Austin Pendleton reaches into his shirt pocket and pulls from it an envelope. He calls out to Johnny 5

AUSTIN PENDLETON (CONT’D)You recognise this invitation, Johnny 5?

6.

JOHNNY 5Yes - of course. Nova gave me a photographic memory.

AUSTIN PENDLETONNova...

JOHNNY 5But the invitation didn’t tell me why we are here.

Sensing Johnny 5’s concern, Ally Sheedy says:

ALLY SHEEDYThat’s because we wanted to tell you in person, Johnny 5. But we were hoping there might be one other person here first...

JOHNNY 5Ben?

Ally Sheedy grasps Johnny 5’s hand and struggles for her words slightly...

ALLY SHEEDYWell... yeah, kinda! But like the rest of us, Ben isn’t really Ben.

Steve Guttenberg scoffs

STEVE GUTTENBERGThat’s not all he’s not!

Ally Sheedy and Austin Pendleton both shoot him a glare. G.W. Bailey sees this, and immediately shoots an over the top glare to make up for not having shot a glare when the other two did

ALLY SHEEDYSo yeah. Ben’s an actor too - and his real name’s Fisher Stevens.

STEVE GUTTENBERGBut where is he?

Again, G.W. Bailey shoots a glare at Steve Guttenberg - visibly pleased that he did it early this time. But this time nobody else shoots Steve Guttenberg a glare and instead they just look at G.W. Bailey like he’s nuts.

AUSTIN PENDLETONHe said he’d come... i’m sure he’s on his way. Can somebody call him?

7.

JOHNNY 5Sure! Check this out!

Johnny 5 holds his hand against his face like a phone and makes a series of beeping noises.

Somewhere in the distance we hear a robotic sound. The longer it plays, the more we realise that it’s the sound of R2D2.

CUT TO:

A TREE FURTHER UP THE HILL IN THE GARDEN

As we focus in on the tree, the R2D2’s bleeping grows louder. Some of the leaves rustle and a branch moves.

BACK TO:

EXT - GRASS VERGE

The whole group are looking towards the tree. Johnny 5 drops his hand from his head to listen. And as he does, R2D2 stops.

After a moment of silence from everyone, Johnny 5 makes the call again. And once again, R2D2 begins bleeping.

ALLY SHEEDYHe’s in the tree!

JOHNNY 5R2D2?!

Ignoring Johnny 5, Ally Sheedy calls out:

ALLY SHEEDYFisher Stevens?

CUT TO:

THE TREE

One leaf moves. Then the tree tries to stay still.

BACK TO:

8.

EXT - GRASS VERGE

ALLY SHEEDYEr... are you in the tree, Fisher Stevens?

CUT TO:

THE TREE

The tree stays perfectly still. We hear Steve Guttenberg strike up an argument with Ally Sheedy in the background. Throughout, we remain looking at the tree.

STEVE GUTTENBERGIs Fisher Stevens in the tree?! What the fuck would Fisher Stevens be doing in the tree for fuck’s sake?!

ALLY SHEEDYIs it more likely that R2D2 is in the tree?

AUSTIN PENDLETON(Whispering to G.W. Bailey)

This is all getting a bit silly, don’t you think?

G.W. BAILEY(Whispering)

I guess so. Say, who do you think would win in a fight between Johnny 5 and...

Cutting G.W. Bailey short, a phone still ringing out the sounds of R2D2 drops from the tree, shortly followed by Fisher Stevens who is still blacked up to look like Ben Surajamayan. He lands awkwardly and tumbles down the hill. Pages covered in pictures of birds fly off in all directions. Fisher Stevens seems unhurt, and not in the slightest bit embarrassed.

ALLY SHEEDY(Trimphantly pointing at Steve Guttenberg)

See? SEE?!

Steve Guttenberg looks dazed and completely lost.

STEVE GUTTENBERGYeee-eee-aaah.

9.

Fisher Stevens slowly gets to his feet and pats himself down. He looks to the group:

FISHER STEVENSSorry - I know that probably looked weird...

As Fisher Stevens begins his explanations, Johnny 5 scans all of the pages strewn across the lawn

FISHER STEVENS (CONT’D)But I got here kinda early and had some time to kill...

STEVE GUTTENBERGSo you hid in a tree?!

JOHNNY 5He was looking for birds...

FISHER STEVENSYes! I got here early and thought I spotted a Harris Sparrow... So I thought I’d...

Ally Sheedy’s heard enough and runs to Fisher Stevens for a hug.

ALLY SHEEDYWhat’s important is that we’re all here now.

FISHER STEVENS(flushed and stuttering)

Yes.. Yes, that is important...

AUSTIN PENDLETON(mumbling uneasily)

Impmhportnnt

Ally Sheedy, Fisher Stevens, Steve Guttenberg, Austin Pendleton and G.W. Bailey all exchange uncomfortable glances

JOHNNY 5Jubilant! Celebratory! Joyful! Jolly! Exultanant!

ALLY SHEEDY(gushing)

Oh yes Johnny 5! All of those things!

JOHNNY 5Yeeeees...

10.

Johnny 5 strokes at his imaginary beard, and puffs at his imaginary pipe in pondering thought.

JOHNNY 5 (CONT’D)...but these words are different to important!

STEVE GUTTENBERGAh... excellent sleuthing, Johnny 5. There is, perhaps, something we’ve not yet told you...

JOHNNY 5I am only as good a sleuth as you made me!

Ally Sheedy sighs, and looks lovingly at Johnny 5.

STEVE GUTTENBERGJohnny 5, my friend. We’ve been through this.

Johnny 5 raises an eyebrow.

STEVE GUTTENBERG (CONT’D)I’m not Newton Crosby.

JOHNNY 5(making quotation mark signs with his fingers)

No... you are ‘Steve Guttenberg’

STEVE GUTTENBERGYes. And I’m an actor. Not a robotics engineer. I didn’t make you, Johnny 5. A film studio did.

JOHNNY 5Yes! Film! Short Circuit film!

STEVE GUTTENBERGAnd Short Circuit 2 film!

ALLY SHEEDYYou were wonderful, Johnny 5!

JOHNNY 5A star of the silver screen!

STEVE GUTTENBERGYes... but that film wasn’t real, Johnny 5. So much about it wasn’t real.

11.

ALLY SHEEDY...and that’s why we’re here today.

Johnny 5 freezes. He stands still for a moment, before lifting his eyes tree-bound.

CUT TO:

CLOSE UP INSIDE TREE

A Harris Sparrow emerges from a nest. It sings the most beautiful song, hops along the branch and flies away.

BACK TO:

EXT. GRASS VERGE

A single drop of rain falls from the sky and lands on Johnny 5’s face, trickling down like a tear.

G.W. Bailey begins sobbing and reaches for Austin Pendleton. They walk away to cry in private.

JOHNNY 5And this is real?

ALLY SHEEDYYes, this is real.

FISHER STEVENSApart from...

Fisher Stevens looks pained. He touches his face, and goldfish-like, mouths something silently.

In the distance we hear that same beautiful song of the Harris Sparrow. It begins getting louder and louder.

FISHER STEVENS (CONT’D)SHHH! Can you hear that?

Fisher Stevens’ eyes dart around the sky

FISHER STEVENS (CONT’D)That’s the song of the Harris Sparrow!

The singing gets louder and louder.

FISHER STEVENS (CONT’D)A very rare bird...

12.

The singing gets louder still, before Fisher Stevens finally catches a glimpse of the bird. His face cracks into the most enormous smile

FISHER STEVENS (CONT’D)There!

The bird swoops gracefully over Fisher Stevens. And then... SPLAT. The bird shits on Fisher Stevens’ face - its white poo trickling across his lips before dribbling from his chin and onto his shirt.

There is a moment of complete silence as everybody exchanges glances.

Fisher Stevens finally wipes the shit from his face, and with it rubs away a streak of his brown make-up.

CLOSE UP ON FISHER STEVENS

His bottom lip trembles a little as the weight of the moment gets to him.

FISHER STEVENS (CONT’D)I’m sorry but there is something I have to tell y..

He stops suddenly, and reconsiders how to say what he has to say. He decides to put an end to this impersonation, and instead to speak in his own voice.

FISHER STEVENS (CONT’D)I mean: I’m sorry but there is something I have to tell you.

He lowers his head then, heartfelt, Fisher Stevens continues

FISHER STEVENS (CONT’D)This white face. This white voice. This is the real me. I’m sorr...

STEVE GUTTENBERG(interrupting)

Pssst! Look!

Fisher Stevens looks up, and his wet eyes immediately widen. And then he smiles.

CUT TO:

EXT. ROAD LEADING TO STEPHANIE’S HOUSE

13.

Johnny 5 is disappearing into the distance, captivated by the Harris Sparrow. He’s chasing it gayly down the road, imitating its every call. Seemingly the bird was much more interesting than whatever Fisher Stevens had to say.

End.

14.