It's Day 2 of the 100% Entirely Imaginary Spider Jerusalem Vetinari Bachelor Challenge!

Six SimSelves are still in the game, trying to win the affections of Spider Jerusalem!

He's hot when he's angry...

...and also when he's not angry...

These three lovely SimSelves are the current frontrunners. From the left:Kendra (riot.fighter/riotgrrl4271 {Boolprop forum name/Exchange name} writes the Punk Legacy)Gin (GintasticNecat writes The Science of a Legacy)Kaiyah (Kaiyah/Kaiyah2 writes Legacy Shmegacy)

These two are still in the running, but need to put some effort in if they're going to catch up to the others:Michelle (MichelleFobbs/MichaelFobbs writes the Planetary Apocalypse)Styx (StyxLady/lorddaeos writes Just Another Legacy)

And these two...Orikes (Orikes/orikes 360 writes the Pseudo Legacy)De (fireflower314/fireflowersims@livejournal.com writes the Morgan and Pierce Legacies)

...Orikes was eliminated on Day 1 with a score of 0, and De's the clear underdog on Day 2.

Don't feel too bad for Orikes, though, as she's found happiness elsewhere. She can have him when we're done with him over at the observation post!

And, of course, there is the Bachelor himself, Spider Jerusalem Vetinari, Reaper child son of Gen 2 Uglacy spare (and Dualegacy villain) Cypress. If you would like MOAR Spider Jerusalem or Vetinari goodness, check out the Vetinari Dualegacy, conveniently located on DrSupremeNerd's SimPage and the Boolprop.com forums.

"No, I do not have eight to ten minutes for a political survey. I did not have eight to ten minutes for a political survey yesterday, and I will not have eight to ten minutes for a political survey tomorrow! And no, I do not want to receive automated calls from Samuel L. Jackson, Alec Baldwin, or Charlton Heston.

"...Look, Scooter, I will come down there and beat the crap out of you. Stop calling me!"

Larch Vetinari, Gen 2 Uglacy heir. Eeevil. Hot. Slightly more Eeevil than hot.

"Man, those calls are annoying. I hate election years."

Cassidy Vetinari, half-alien son of Gen 2 Uglacy spare Cypress. He's Larch's nephew and Spider Jerusalem's older half-brother.

"Meh, easy solution. 'Gosh, I'd love to help you out, but I'm a non-voting felon.' Works like a charm!"

Yours truly. SimNerd, the SimSelf of DrSupremeNerd, creator of the Vetinari Dualegacy. Currently replaying part of Gen 4 due to Riverblossom Hills going kersplodey.

"You don't seriously say that."

Stacilee/stacierearden writes the Whedonberry Alphabet Legacy.

"Have I ever claimed to have an ounce of shame?"

"Speaking of not having any shame..."

Dicreasy writes the Victorian Legacy.

"...would it kill you to put a shirt on?""Maybe. If it did, you'd feel bad, right?""That remains to be seen."

No one is paying attention to the kitty. The kitty is displeased. Tummy rubs are required.

"Sorry, don't mind him, just give him tummy rubs and he'll go away."

Stacilee: "So what's on the menu for today?"Cassidy: "Hot tubbing! Can we do hot tubbing too? I wanna hot tub!"Stacilee: "Right, and chats and a flirt."Cassidy: "There's no one here for me to flirt with. But I still wanna hot tub!"

"Yup, that's the plan for Day 2. Plus an elimination and a consolation prize for the Day 2 non-winner!

"...and NO, Larch, you do not get more childrinions. I don't think Orikes wants to share."

"Awwwwwww..."

And now, on with the show!

Day 2 starts with the hot tub dates! Kendra, Michelle, and Styx make it into the hot tub with Spider Jerusalem.

Looks like Styx and Michelle are starting to take this seriously.

Kendra: "Good thing this is a private residence, huh? Otherwise it might be weird that I'm in here without a swimsuit!"

You did say you wanted to be a Leo, hun.

Michelle: "It's really too bad Orikes is gone! We were so close to being buddies!"Spider: "You were whatting with the whom?"Michelle: "Orikes? Contestant who just went home?"Spider: "Bored now."

Of course, that leaves Kaiyah, Gin, and De in the other hot tub.Kaiyah: "I'm not worried! Are you worried, Gin?"Gin: "Not in the least!"De: "Haaaate yoouuu guyyyys."

Gin: "Oh, I'm sorry, did you not have a score in the thirties?"De: "No. No I didn't."Kaiyah: "Ha ha ha! What kind of loser could have a score in the single-digits after a whole 28 hours with Spider Jerusalem!"De: "Haaaaaate."Gin: "Have I mentioned that I kissed Spider Jerusalem?"Kaiyah and De: "YES."Gin: "Twice, actually."De: "That only counts IF HE REMEMBERS IT."Gin: "I remember it."

Styx: "D'you think if it were cooler, Kendra would have some clothes on?"Kendra: "Nope!"Michelle: "I think that was a rhetorical question."Spider: "I see no problems with this. None at all. Curse my insufficient outgoing points!"Kendra, Michelle, and Styx: "Yes! Curse them!"

Gin: "Have I mentioned the crush?"Kaiyah: "In the last thirty seconds? No."De: "Haaaate yoooouuu."

Spider: "I've always liked summer. It's so much more rewarding finger-gunning chicks in skimpy clothes."Michelle: "Do we have any of those here?"Styx: "No. I checked."Kendra: "Pffft clothes."Spider: "Yeah, I sure do love hanging out in the sun, doing stuff..."

"...sorry, where was I?"

De: "Don't get too big-headed. Spider Jerusalem's fried-eggs-in-a-pan are still up for grabs."Gin: "The only one around here with fried eggs is you."De: "WHAT!?"Gin: "Well, at least that's what Rhys said..."De: "Oh, it's on now."Gin: "BRING IT."De: "Be careful what you wish for."Gin: "Big words from someone with a score of 7 from Day 1."

Kaiyah: "Come on, can't we at least agree that Mr. Big Jerk's fried eggs need to meet Mr. Rusty Fork?"

It was at this juncture that what should I hear but the unmistakeable sounds of a heart-fart from the other hot tub! Huzzah! We have heart-fartage, and no one's gender preference is even set yet! So who will it be? One of the ladies heart-farting Spider Jerusalem? Spider Jerusalem heart-farting fellow Leo Kendra? Let us see!

"Hey, that chick who brought up the handcuffs at breakfast is kinda hot."

Styx: "I know, right?"

Very possibly Styx is unclear on the concept of a Bachelor Challenge.

Styx: "Uh... kissing! Who likes kissing?"

Spider: "I'm on board with kissing, but I think it would be inappropriate if we wanted to kiss the same girl. Unless you wanted to kiss her, and I could watch. Perhaps baby oil could be involved in some way."Styx: "I don't think there's a mod for that."

Spider: "Stop toying with my emotions!"Michelle: "Well, I'm sure Pescado could tweak the jealousy coding..."Kendra: "And there's gotta be baby oil on MTS2."Spider: "If you're trying to cheer me up, it's totally working."

And the hot tub dates have taken a strange and scary turn. Time for lunch!

De: "See how much I want to win this? I snagged the seat next to Spider Jerusalem!"Spider: "It's sort of creepy when you watch me eat with that grin on your face."

Spider: "So tell me more about this best friends thing."Kendra: "It's sort of like hating Gilbert, but the opposite."Michelle: "Generally less shoving and poking."Styx: "Definitely less slapping."

De: "Enough of all this talk of friends. I hear you're a fan of oil!"Spider: "Why yes. Yes I am."

Kaiyah and Kendra: SLOB-OFF!

And then Kaiyah and her two neat points clear everyone's plates.

There was an early-evening siesta to give everyone time to recharge for the chats and flirts before the Day 2 elimination.

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We hope you have enjoyed this completely pointless slide.

Next up: Chats and Flirts! One Chat each, and one Charm, unless Charm isn't available.

Kendra's the first one up, so she gets the first Chat/Flirt.

Kendra: "So: Ozzy Osbourne, Johnny Rotten, Joey Ramone, and Trent Reznor are in the Thunderdome. Who makes it out alive?"

Spider: "I say they all make it out alive, and utterly annihilate the audience of hideously mutated zombie spectators. With assistance from Sid Vicious and that guy from the Clash. Video by Wes Craven."Kendra: "That would be the awesomest thing ever."

"What? I can't grope?"

He's gonna do this a lot. Mild flirts are hell on the outgoing meanies.

Did anyone not think Kendra was going to fall for this?

Wait for it...

BAM! The first Crush of the Bachelor Challenge, and it's on the side that counts!

Wait for it...

BAM! Kendra's on board with the little pink hearts.

Which means now I have to keep her out of the way so I can get the Chats/Flirts out of the way for everyone else without there being any slapping. So I stuck the door back on the computer room, let her play SSX3, and locked it for everyone. And then continued with the day's events.

Don't worry. I let her out when Spider was done.

Styx is just finishing breakfast, so Spider swoops in.

"So, kissing! I like kissing! You, that is! Not De in any way, shape, or form, no sirreebob! Nope, I'd like to plant one on you, that's for sure!"

"That's great! I am interested in exploring the wonders of lip-to-lip contact!"

"Blah, Knowledge Sims, always have to be so analytical. Really kills the mood."

"But I think you're hot."

Oh yes. The gender preference is set; now the heart-farting will commence in earnest.

"So whaddaya say? You... me... baby oil... perhaps a pie chart of some sort...?""Sounds oddly appealing."

Styx accepts the flirt with no trouble, but no little pink hearts go a-flying.

Gin is a hottie!

De's up next, as Spider Jerusalem pulls her away from the pool table.

"...so what I'd really like to do is get Gilbert in a headlock like this, and squeeze his scrawny little neck until he passes out.""Have you ever met Rhys? Or Cassius?""Who?""I think the three of you would get along famously."

"Yeah, if someone had bothered to give me Creativity skill, I'd be all, like, 'air guitar WHOOOO!' but I've only got Body.""You're playing air guitar left-handed."

Does that ever bother anyone else? They play the regular musical instruments like righties, but when they're talking about CDs, they play left-handed air guitar.

Spider: "I have flirted, and it was good."De: "You have no idea."

Then it's Gin's turn.

Spider: "So when this is all over, I'm planning on a Mediterranean cruise. I've always wanted to see Cyprus."Gin: "Why is your father in the Mediterranean?Spider: "He's not. Cyprus is an island in the Mediterranean."Gin: "Your father's an island?"Spider: "No, my father's named after the Cypress tree, not Cyprus the island."Gin: "There's trees on Cyprus?"Spider: "Cyprus the island or Cypress my father? Because I'm pretty sure there's no trees on Dad unless someone's cowplanted him. But there are plenty of trees on Cyprus the island."Gin: "So your father's an island full of trees?"Spider: "No?"

Gin: "Whatever, now I'm all confused, and I get seasick anyway."Spider: "What, you've never heard of Dramamine?"Gin: "Hey, boats sink, I've seen Titanic!"

It's never a good sign when your Chat ends like this without even one successful topic of conversation.

Ah well, there's still the Flirt. After, Gin has had a crush on him before, right? And there was autonomous kissing on that occasion too.

"Ugh. Have you been eating those nasty hamburgers again?"

Yup. Gin denies Spider the Charm.

Spider Jerusalem is not happy.

Gin's starting to look not-so-good for seeing tomorrow.

"Bloo bagoo, poker chicks!"

Kaiyah's next on the list.

"Kissing?"

"Kissing!"

Kaiyah: "...and then he'd be all like, 'I can be a jerk to whomever I want!' and I'd be all like, 'You can't be a jerk to Cassidy anymore, jerk!' and he'd be all like, 'Whatcha gonna do about it?' and I'd be all like, 'Say hello to my little friend!' and then I'd show him my rusty fork, and he'd be all like, 'Oooh, I'm so scared of a rusty fork.' and then I'd be all like STAB and he'd be all like 'Waaah! My fried eggs!' and I'd be all like, "That's what you get for being mean to Cassidy, Jerky McJerkypants!' and it would be sweet."Spider: "Rusty fork, eh? Could one perhaps be utilized on Gilbert in some way?"Kaiyah: "Hells to the yeah!"Spider: "...Wait, Cassidy like my brother Cassidy?"Kaiyah: "Yeah, sorta."Spider: "These conversations are getting decidedly more strange."

Spider: "I find your rusty fork prowess intriguing..."Kaiyah: "I find your...you-ness...intriguing..."

Michelle's up last.

Spider: "I'd totally like to see Gilbert's ghost! If I cowplanted him, I could see his ghost, and drink him, and then resurrect him as a zombie! I bet that's worth, like, a zillion Aspiration points!"

"Ugh! You mean Knowledge Sims and your Wants to see the ghosts of your enemies, drink them, and turn them into zombies! You really know how to turn a girl off!"

Gin: "I dunno, the idea of Zombie Gilbert is pretty appealing from over here..."

Well then, maybe you should have accepted the flirt!

Oooh, but things aren't looking so hot for Michelle either. Charm isn't an option, only Wolf Whistle, which she accepts, but the mere fact of its presence would seem to indicate that her relationship with Spider is dangerously low, despite the hot tub time. The question is: Is our children learning?

Haha no. The question is: Is Michelle's score higher than Gin's?

There's still time before noon. Based on my best guess from the Chats and Flirts, it's a race to be second-from last between Michelle and Gin!

De: "Someone's going to be packing her bags and hitting the road, and it's not gonna be me."Kendra and Kaiyah: "Or us!"Spider: "Sho ska, everybody!"

Kaiyah: Spider is hot!

Michelle: Spider is hot!

Kaiyah: "I saw that!" *biff*

Yes, that really was the order in which those events occurred.

Kaiyah: "I have a dirty joke for you!"Spider: "Well, I really only came in here to pee, but, okay!"

"Have you heard the one about the lamp? The sexy, sexy lamp?"

Spider: Kaiyah is hot when she's naughty!

Kaiyah: Spider is hot when I'm naughty!Michelle: Yeah, rub it in, why don't you?

Mmmm... Spider Jerusalem...Mmmm... Styx...

Well, I'm really glad they didn't choose to play this game with Spider Jerusalem and his one nice point.

But it's noon, and where is everyone?

De's heart-farting Spider Jerusalem, who's at the poker table with Kendra and Michelle. A last-ditch effort on Michelle's part, perhaps? Has she forgotten how well that worked for Orikes on Day 1?

Gin and Kaiyah are preventing Styx from leaving the bathroom.

Styx: "It's cool; I don't need to leave the bathroom, because I'm pretty sure I'm not the one going home today."Kaiyah: "Yeah, me too!"Gin: "What, I'm not allowed to have an 'off' day?"

Let's see how the scores stack up!

Still in the top two: Kendra, with a score of 103, friends, a Double Crush, and 2 bolts; and Kaiyah, with a score of 89 and 3 bolts.

Kendra: "Two down, four to go. You're all going down like a preppie at the Warped Tour. Tsssst!"Kaiyah: "If I don't win this, my rusty fork will get some use after all."

The middle of the pack: De, with a score of 62 and 2 bolts; and Styx, with a score of 63 and 3 bolts.

De: "Pffft. If I can get Rhys Fitzhugh to pretend to behave, this is nothing.Styx: "I stepped up my game! I am still in this, and I haven't heart-farted De in hours!"

And the bottom two: Michelle and Gin, both with 3 bolts. One of them has a score of 32; the other, 26. Either way, this means Gin's score went DOWN from 34 on Day 1.

Michelle: "But ghosts are scary!"Gin: "And I don't like boats!"

So who's in and who's out?

Sorry, Michelle. We're ready for you over at SimNerd's.

Your eyebrows seem to have disappeared. Whoops! Didn't catch that until I was writing up Day 2, so, sorry 'bout that.

Larch: "Even with a warning, you couldn't do better than that? Come on, even De managed a 55-point increase over her Day 1 score!"Di: "Larch, there's no cause to be rude."SimNerd: "Good call, Di. Just because I let him walk around in his pajamas doesn't mean I have to let him speak."Larch: "You never let me have any fun."Di: "I'm sure Michelle has a perfectly good reason for her performance."

"You know, I really wish I did! De and Styx managed it, but somehow I just couldn't pull it off. Maybe if he hadn't started off chatting about ghosts, I'd have had a chance. It might have gotten me enough points for a Charm, and I might have been able to get ahead of Gin. Still, though, it was a fun couple of days."

Cassidy: "Hey, I'm just surprised we've gotten two days in and Spider Jerusalem hasn't poked anyone yet!"Michelle: "Aside from the bad conversations, it's been pretty tame. But the Crushes are bound to start flying, and then it should become more interesting."

"Whatever the reason, I'm sorry you didn't stick around longer, Michelle. But I've got a house for you. And before you leave, you might want to hit up the Dance Sphere upstairs for a while. Just a suggestion."

"One thing first."

"Dump the jerkhole, Cassidy. He's no good for you.""Why do people keep telling me that?"

"Don't know why I need this, but OK."

Let's check out the most important room in La Casa Michelle, shall we?

Here's Michelle's kitchen. Everything a Sim needs to be happy. Dishwasher, fridge, microwave, food processor, trash masher...

What? You think something's missing?

I don't. Nope, nothing missing...

...nothing at all missing from the kitchen, nope. All the essentials.

This never stops being funny. Never ever.

Larch and Orikes showed up in the Welcome Wagon.

Michelle: "You are in for a world of hurt, Big. Your own private universe of pain."Orikes: "Hey, front row seat!"Larch: "Oooh, fight!"

"THIS IS FOR HURTING CASSIDY!"

Orikes: "I would totally do that."Larch: "That's what I love about you. Wanton disregard for the physical well-being of others is such a turn-on."

Orikes actually fell in love with Larch when he showed up in her Welcome Wagon.

"Can you handle this ten Body, maxed fitness justice, you jerk? Can you?"

Orikes: "KILL HIIIIIM!"Larch: "Can I have a turn next? Pleeeeaaaaase?"

"You deserve worse than this, you manipulative, controlling, oily little creep!"

Orikes: "Is there a cowplant around here somewhere?"Larch: "Cowplant? Surely we can get more creative than a cowplant. I hear tell of rusty forks."Orikes: "You are so hot when you're Eeevil."Larch: "It's aaaalllll part of the package."

"I rule. This one's for Cassidy!"

"Uh, question? That guy in the red was kinda hot. Could I maybe...?"

"No, Cassidy. No, you can't. Not even a little bit.""But--"

"NO, Cassidy!"

"No need to shout."

"Sorry, Cass. I'll hook you up with a hot townie or something. But that loser is strictly off-limits, except for Torture By Cheesing, pummeling, and killing. And then zombifying and more killing."

"Really, do you want to eat grilled cheese for the rest of your life?"

"Huh. Guess not. Hot townie it is!"

"Does he make your brain hurt sometimes? Much as I love childrinions, they are occasionally more trouble than they're worth!""I'm quite sure I wouldn't know anything about that."

"Oooh, my turn? Uh, OK!

"Check back soon for Day 3! Chess dates! More flirting! More possibility for poking! Will anyone else get Crushes on Spider Jerusalem? More importantly, will he get Crushes on any more of the contestants? Does Kendra have a lock on victory? Can Gin manage to save herself? Will Kaiyah ever get to stab anyone with a rusty fork? Who's in it to win it, and who's going home? Witness the Supreme Nerd pimping out my little brother!

"...Hey, wait, it sounds sort of creepy when you say it like that."

Tummy rubs?"Your cat is seriously freaking me out."