11The Branded Polo Shirt

• Polos are an iffy piece of clothing to begin with (Are you dressy or casual? Make up your mind!) Beyond a confused disposition, most corporate polos do not fit.

 • Tolerance is an important virtue, but

that doesn't mean that the tiny sales girl and 300 pound man in accounting wear the same size.

10The Paperweight

• Do not give someone a paperweight unless you want them to

 • A) Look like a pretentious

numnutsor• B) Agonize about how to re-gift

a present that everyone hates.  • Sidenote: What is the use of

"weighing down paper". Most offices are inside, correct?

9Company Mugs 

• Have you ever met a person who really wanted a mug with a company logo? Me either.

8Gift Cards With Embarrassingly Small Amounts of Money On Them • "$5! Thank you so much"

(what comes out of my mouth versus what I'm actually thinking):

• HOW DO YOU LIVE WITH YOURSELF YOU CHEAP BASTARD! THAT ROLEX ON YOUR ARM IS WORTH 10,000 OF THESE! YOU COULDN'T HAVE SPRUNG FOR $10? REALLY?

• I feel better.

7Calendar

• Thank you so much for this calendar with your company's logo on it. How would I ever organize myself or know what day it was without your help?

6Cheap Pens

• Why do people insist on giving cheap pens, that inevitably break within 2 days, as corporate gifts?

 • Oh yeah, they're cheap. And

they also get thrown away faster than rotting meat.

5Laser Pointers

I had one of these once, like everybody else, and then I threw it away.  Hey laser pointer, hang out with your friends Tomagachi, POGS, and slap bracelets in fad-land.

4Frisbee

• One of the most insulting gifts to receive, especially if you are a white male who is out of college.

 • It's the gift that calls you a

Dave Matthews fan, a beer guzzling slacker, a pot head, and a dead beat. The gift that just keeps on giving.

3Stress Balls • Quite possibly the most ironic

of corporate gifts, as the giver is usually the source of the majority of the recipients' stress

 • Slightly condescending as well:

"I know I've created stress in your life, but just squeeze this ball. I won't be any easier to deal with, but you'll have something to take your frustration out on besides your friends and family."

2Personalized Sticky Notes

• Have you heard of post-its? They are just like what you are giving me, minus the gimmick and $10 cheaper.

 • It may be flattering that you think

I'm like Einstein, but would Einstein ever use branded sticky notes?

1Mousepads

• Not only does everyone already have a mousepad, but no one is in a market for a new one. Giving a mousepad to a computer user is like giving a steering wheel to a car owner. What am I supposed to do with this?

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