Upload
dini-rakhmawati
View
261
Download
2
Tags:
Embed Size (px)
Citation preview
QUIZ GRADESQUIZ GRADES
COMMUNICATIONCOMMUNICATION
A – 38 A – 38
B – 4 B – 4
C – 3C – 3 AVG. = 9.033!!!!!AVG. = 9.033!!!!!
D – 0 D – 0
F – 1 F – 1
N/S – 2 N/S – 2
LOVELOVE&&
RELATIONSHIPSRELATIONSHIPS
““Love means: I want you to be you.”Love means: I want you to be you.”
St. AugustineSt. Augustine
““I want the loved person to grow & unfold for I want the loved person to grow & unfold for his own sake, & in his own ways, & not for his own sake, & in his own ways, & not for
the purpose of serving me.”the purpose of serving me.”
Erich FrommErich Fromm
I found my lover on his bed, and my heart was I found my lover on his bed, and my heart was sweet to excess,sweet to excess,
I shall never be far away (from) you while my I shall never be far away (from) you while my hand is in your hand,hand is in your hand,
and I shall stroll with you in every favorite and I shall stroll with you in every favorite place.place.
How pleasant is this hour, may it extend for me How pleasant is this hour, may it extend for me to eternity:to eternity:
since I have lain with you, you have lifted high since I have lain with you, you have lifted high my heart.my heart.
In mourning or in rejoicing be not far from me.In mourning or in rejoicing be not far from me.
Poem from the late Egyptian empirePoem from the late Egyptian empire
Quoted in Bergman, 1987, p. 5Quoted in Bergman, 1987, p. 5
Friendship vs. Romantic LoveFriendship vs. Romantic Love
Are love & friendship somehow related? Are love & friendship somehow related? (Keith Davis, 1985)(Keith Davis, 1985)– Essential characteristics of friendshipEssential characteristics of friendship
EnjoymentEnjoyment
Acceptance of one anotherAcceptance of one another
A mutual trustA mutual trust
A respect for each otherA respect for each other
Mutual assistanceMutual assistance
ConfidingConfiding
An understandingAn understanding
SpontaneitySpontaneity
– Things unique to spouses & loversThings unique to spouses & loversFascinationFascination
ExclusivenessExclusiveness
Sexual desireSexual desire
Giving the utmostGiving the utmost
““Love” vs. “In Love”Love” vs. “In Love”
Romantic relationships are more Romantic relationships are more rewarding, but more volatile & frustratingrewarding, but more volatile & frustrating
How do I know if this is really love?How do I know if this is really love?– How DO you know?How DO you know?– Romantic love almost always involves Romantic love almost always involves
physical responses when you’re close to that physical responses when you’re close to that person or thinking about him/herperson or thinking about him/her
DOESN’T USUALLY LAST!!!!DOESN’T USUALLY LAST!!!!
Infatuation Infatuation
– Where do we get our ideal notion of love?Where do we get our ideal notion of love?
Companionate LoveCompanionate Love– ““the affection we feel for those with whom our the affection we feel for those with whom our
lives are deeply entwined”lives are deeply entwined”TogethernessTogetherness
TrustTrust
Sharing Sharing
AffectionAffection
A concern for the welfare of the otherA concern for the welfare of the other
More than passionMore than passion
– This is a This is a realistic loverealistic love– Examples – parent/child, long-term adult Examples – parent/child, long-term adult
relationshiprelationship
Young love is a flame; very Young love is a flame; very pretty, often very hot and pretty, often very hot and
fierce but still only light and fierce but still only light and flickering. The love of the flickering. The love of the
older and disciplined heart is older and disciplined heart is as coals, deep burning, as coals, deep burning,
unquenchable…unquenchable…Henry Ward BeecherHenry Ward Beecher
What researchers say about “love” and What researchers say about “love” and being “in love”being “in love”– ““love” = companionate lovelove” = companionate love– ““in love” = passionatein love” = passionate
Prerequisites for lovePrerequisites for love– Self-acceptanceSelf-acceptance
Must love yourself firstMust love yourself first
Healthy self-esteemHealthy self-esteem
Hazan & Shaver (1987) Attachment TheoryHazan & Shaver (1987) Attachment Theory– Avoidant LoversAvoidant Lovers– Anxious-Ambivalent LoversAnxious-Ambivalent Lovers– Secure LoversSecure Lovers
– Self-disclosureSelf-disclosureMUST RISK VULNERABILITYMUST RISK VULNERABILITY
This is the difference between love & infatuationThis is the difference between love & infatuation
Must overcome your fear of being judged or that Must overcome your fear of being judged or that the other person will leave youthe other person will leave you
JealousyJealousy– Why do we get jealous?Why do we get jealous?
Emotional reaction to relationship being threatenedEmotional reaction to relationship being threatened
Loss of face, self-esteem, or feeling specialLoss of face, self-esteem, or feeling special
– Involves anger, humiliation, anxiety, & Involves anger, humiliation, anxiety, & depressiondepression
– WHAT HAVE YOU LEARNED YOU SHOULD DO WHAT HAVE YOU LEARNED YOU SHOULD DO WHEN YOU FEEL THIS WAY??????WHEN YOU FEEL THIS WAY??????
COMMUNICATE!!!!!!!COMMUNICATE!!!!!!!– Who gets jealous?Who gets jealous?
Low self-esteemLow self-esteemUnhappy with their livesUnhappy with their livesPlace high value on things like popularity, wealth, Place high value on things like popularity, wealth, fame, & physical attractivenessfame, & physical attractiveness
– Gender differencesGender differencesMen get jealous about sexual infidelityMen get jealous about sexual infidelityWomen get jealous about emotional infidelityWomen get jealous about emotional infidelityWomen show jealousy when they feel inadequate Women show jealousy when they feel inadequate & try to make themselves look more attractive& try to make themselves look more attractiveMen show jealousy, then feel inadequate, then Men show jealousy, then feel inadequate, then seek outside relationshipsseek outside relationships
Sex without LoveSex without Love– Women usually don’t enjoy sex unless it’s in a Women usually don’t enjoy sex unless it’s in a
loving relationshiploving relationship– Men more often can enjoy sex without Men more often can enjoy sex without
emotional involvementemotional involvement– Sex & love are NOT synonymous!Sex & love are NOT synonymous!
Love without SexLove without Sex– Physical contact is important to us; need to be Physical contact is important to us; need to be
heldheld– Laumann et al. (1994) – many couples still Laumann et al. (1994) – many couples still
prefer to reserve sex for marriage, allowing prefer to reserve sex for marriage, allowing intimacy to growintimacy to grow
Unconditional loveUnconditional love– Feeling do NOT depend on expectations Feeling do NOT depend on expectations
being met by some outside sourcebeing met by some outside source– Conditional love = stay as long as needs Conditional love = stay as long as needs
being metbeing met– Romantic love tends to be conditionalRomantic love tends to be conditional– Unconditional love is closest to companionate Unconditional love is closest to companionate
lovelove
Maintaining a RelationshipMaintaining a Relationship– Factors involved in the beginningFactors involved in the beginning
Physical attractivenessPhysical attractiveness
ProximityProximity
SimilaritySimilarity
– What happens when things change???What happens when things change???
– Other factors involved in choosing a partnerOther factors involved in choosing a partnerPersonalityPersonality
Financial resourcesFinancial resources
Mutual attraction & loveMutual attraction & love
The Decline of PassionThe Decline of Passion– Becomes “habit”Becomes “habit”– Repeated exposure leads to it becoming less Repeated exposure leads to it becoming less
positive over timepositive over time– Usually become disappointed (not the happily Usually become disappointed (not the happily
ever after you expected)ever after you expected)– Sex usually becomes ritual and boringSex usually becomes ritual and boring
Growing Together/Growing ApartGrowing Together/Growing Apart– Need to keep things excitingNeed to keep things exciting– Is your partner your best friend?Is your partner your best friend?– Need to find new common interests over timeNeed to find new common interests over time– Don’t have to do EVERYTHING together!Don’t have to do EVERYTHING together!
Becoming More IntimateBecoming More Intimate– Accept themselves as they areAccept themselves as they are– Recognize his/her partner for what he/she isRecognize his/her partner for what he/she is– Feel comfortable to express himself/herselfFeel comfortable to express himself/herself– Deal with your partner’s reactionsDeal with your partner’s reactions
Love is an active power in Love is an active power in man; a power which man; a power which
breaks through the walls breaks through the walls which separate man from which separate man from his fellow men … In love his fellow men … In love the paradox occurs that the paradox occurs that two beings become one two beings become one
yet remain twoyet remain two
Erich Fromm, 1956Erich Fromm, 1956
Bergmann, M. S. (1987). Bergmann, M. S. (1987). The anatomy of The anatomy of livingliving. New York: Fawcett Columbine.. New York: Fawcett Columbine.