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The Art In A Hand Shake And Proper Eye
Contact in Business
PART 1: HANDSHAKES
Introduction
Importance of a Strong Handshake in the Workplace
How to Have an Effective Handshake
How to Master the Business Handshake
How to Have a Persuasive Handshake
Handshakes & Introductions
What Does Your Handshake Say About You?
A bow, a kiss or a handshake: how to greet overseas business contacts
Gracious Greetings Between Cultures
Business Etiquette: 10 Tips on How to Shake Hands With Confidence
Business Etiquette Tips - The Art of the Business Handshake
When and When Not to Shake Hands
Business Etiquettes: Handshakes
Handshakes from Around the World
Handshake Etiquette
The cultural implications of shaking hands
Interesting Greeting Customs of Different Countries
Your handshake around the world
PART 2: EYE CONTACT
3 Etiquette Rules You Should Know About Eye Contact
Business Etiquette on Eye Contact
The Importance of Eye Contact
Why Eye Contact Is Vitally Important for Creating Positive Connections with Others
Why Is It So Hard to Make Eye Contact?
The Best Way to Improve the Quality of Your Eye Contact
How to Make Eye Contact the Right Way in Life, Business, and Love
The Power Of Eye Contact: It's A Myth
Office Behavior: Eye Contact Is Overrated
The Role of Eye Contact in Different Cultures
To Look or Not To Look? : Eye Contact Differences in Different Cultures
Eye Contact in Various Countries
Business and Social Etiquette - How to Make Eye Contact
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PART 1: HANDSHAKES
Introduction
Statistics show that only about 7% of the emotional meaning in a message is composed of the
actual words we use. About 38% in communication is through the tone of our voice and 55 %
comes through nonverbal communication, which includes facial expressions, gestures and
posture. Handshakes and a proper eye contact are part of that 55%
Nonverbal language is a vital part of the communication process. Body language that is consistent
and congruent with the verbal message you are communicating builds trust and rapport.
The Handshake
Most of the time, the handshake is the only physical contact allowed in a business relationship.
We often allow impressions based on the handshake to determine the future of a business
relationship. Handshakes begin when we make eye contact, once eye contact is made the hand is
extended.
If you wait for someone else to initiate the handshake, you risk being perceived as timid or
unsure of yourself. Exception: when you are visiting someone else’s office or environment. If they
don’t offer one, hold out your hand.
Next, meet the person’s grip web to web and palm to palm and match pressure.. If you receive a
firm handshake, match the pressure, same with a light handshake. Shake hands firmly, with only
one squeeze. Count 1,2,3, then drop.
Don’t sandwich the other’s person hand between both of yours, it suggest you are trying to
overpower. Don’t bone crush, glad hand, or wimp out with a two-knuckle finger wiggle, the kind
of handshake that only includes half of the hand. Treat men and women with equal respect. It is
as appropriate for a man to offer his hand to a woman as it is for as to offer first.
Eye Contact
The eyes are the window of the soul. Eye contact is one of the most powerful ways to establish
trust. Effective use of eye contact helps us exhibit confidence s a speaker and respect as a
listener. Eye contact should be held while people are speaking to demonstrate respect and
interest. Some Asian cultures believe the opposite, the eye contact is a show of disrespect.
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If you lose eye contact or focus on everything else but the person you are speaking to, you may
not be taken seriously and the truth in your points may be lost.
Failing to maintain eye contact during a conversation can send mixed signals to the person you
are speaking with. It is often construed as a tell-tale-sign that you might not be forthcoming or
truthful in what you are saying—liars tend to not keep eye contact. If the lack of eye contact is
not construed as a lie the person may be trying to conceal, it is often perceived as lack of interest
or an indication of a short attention span.
Business Body Language: Handshakes, Eye Contact, Posture, and Smiles
Your body language, i.e your demeanor, impacts your success. It's vital that you know how to act
when you get to a conference, after-hours, meeting or trade show to make the most effective
and efficient use of your time ... and to attract those people whom you want to do with business
with and add to your network.
The success of any encounter begins the moment someone lays eyes on you. One of the first
things they notice about you is your aura, that distinctive atmosphere that surrounds you. You
create it, and you are responsible for what it says about you and whom it attracts. Your aura
enters with you and starts speaking long before your open your mouth. Since body language
conveys more than half of any message in any face-to-face encounter, how you act is vital to your
aura.
1) Posture
One of the first key things people notice is how you carry and present yourself. Do you walk
and stand with confidence like your mother taught you?
• Stomach in
• Chest out
• Shoulders back
• Head up
Or do you slouch, perhaps with your shoulders drooping, your head forward and your stomach
protruding? Are you saying to people that you are not sure of yourself, are not poised and,
therefore, not the one they should seek out and get to know? You may be turning people away
without even being aware of it.
Command respect by standing tall and claiming the space to which you are entitled. Plant your
feet about six to eight inches apart with one slightly in front of the others. My workshop
attendees always remark about how this positioning makes them feel "grounded," "rooted" and
"balanced" ... great ways to start any encounter!
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You also tell people through your posture if you are want others to approach you. For instance, if
you are talking with one other person and the two of you are forming a rectangle, you will give
the message that you have "closed off" your space and don't want to be interrupted. If you doubt
me, stand by two people who are in the rectangular position and see how long you go
unacknowledged. The two will see you out of their peripheral vision, but won't include you until
they have finished their "private" conversation. If, on the other hand, the two of you stand with
your feet pointed outward like two sides of an incomplete triangle, you will be inviting others into
the conversation. You can make that all-important eye contact.
2) Handshakes
Another vital component you need to bring to any interpersonal encounter is a firm
handshake. Again, those few seconds you "shake" can empower or weaken a relationship.
Men's handshakes are typically strong and firm because they naturally have a stronger grip.
Women, get a grip and be noticed! I once got a client because the man I shook hands with
remarked about my strong handshake and asked what I did. He decided it was time to hire me to
teach his people how to shake hands, too!
Being familiar with the following handshakes will help you immensely in your relationship-
building activities:
Controller
A person extends his hand to you, web-to-web, and as soon as your hands are linked, he
purposely maneuvers his hand onto the top. He's telling you he wants to be in charge. Keep that
in mind as the interaction continues.
Sandwich
Use this one only with people you know. When you envelop another person's hands, you are
invading their private space ... where you are to be only when invited. Society promotes the
standard handshake but is not as tolerant of using both hands. By the way, this handshake is also
known as the politician's handshake ... which may be cause enough for most people to avoid it!
Dead Fish
Imagine rubbing a scaly, dead fish in your hands ... and you got the picture. Your hands typically
are wet for two reasons: You are nervous or you have been holding a cold beverage in your right
hand and move it to your left just before you shake hands. In either case, it is extremely
unpleasant for the receiver. If you experience anxiety, wipe your hands on a napkin, the
tablecloth or even lightly on your clothes. What you spend at the dry cleaners will be paid for
quickly by the better impression you make. As for the beverage, use common sense.
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Limp Fingers
Women, far more than men, extend their fingers rather than their entire hand. It can be painful
for the extender, when she is greeted by a man who shakes with his forceful grip. Men tell me
this frequently leads to their giving women a lighter handshake. Professional women respond
that they want to be treated equally. One of the ways to combat this syndrome is to always
extend you full hand (never cup it) horizontally, even if your grip is light.
Ingredients of a Good Handshake
• Hold the person's hand firmly.
• Shake web-to-web, three times maximum.
• Maintain constant eye contact.
• Radiate positive aura.
3) Eye Contact
Make it and keep it! Not only does focused eye contact display confidence on your part, it
also helps you understand what the other person is really saying verbally.
When the eyes say one thing, and the tongue another, a practiced man relies on the language of
the first. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Looking someone in the eye as you meet and talk with him/her also shows you are paying
attention. Listening is the most important human relations skill, and good eye contact plays a
large part in conveying our interest in others.
When to look
Begin as soon as you engage someone in a conversation. However, you may wish to start even
earlier if you are trying to get someone's attention. Continue it throughout the conversation. Be
sure to maintain direct eye contact as you are saying "good-bye." It will help leave a positive,
powerful lasting impression.
Where to look
Imagine an inverted triangle in your face with the base of it just above your eyes. The other two
sides descend from it and come to a point between your nose and your lips. That's the suggested
area to "look at" during business conversations. Socially, the point of the triangle drops to include
the chin and neck areas. When people look you "up and down," it's probably more than business
or a casual social situation they have in mind!
How long to look
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I suggest about 80 - 90 percent of the time. Less than that can be interpreted as discomfort,
evasiveness, lack of confidence or boredom. When you stare longer, it can be construed as being
too direct, dominant or forceful and make the other person uncomfortable. It's okay to glance
down occasionally as long as your gaze returns quickly to the other person. Avoid looking over
the other person's shoulders as if you were seeking out someone more interesting to talk with.
4) Smiles
Smiles are an important facial expression. They show interest, excitement, empathy, concern;
they create an upbeat, positive environment. Smiles can, however, be overused. Often, men
smile when they are pleased; women smile to please. You know which is the most powerful!
To gain and increase respect, first establish your presence in a room, then smile. It is far more
professional than to enter a room giggling or "all smiles."
Importance of a Strong Handshake in the Workplace
The optimal business handshake strikes a balance between a forceful grip and a limp noodle. The
extended hand should fully engage with the other person's hand for the most impact. Weak
handshakes that only grip fingertips may make a negative impression on a new business contact,
co-worker or customer. Likewise, a vice-grip-style handshake presents an overly aggressive
stance. How you shake hands provides subtle nonverbal cues about your personality, business
style and negotiating techniques.
First Impression
You never get a second chance at a first impression in business. A strong handshake sets the tone
and the perception of your abilities. Impart a strong first impression on customers, business
prospects, hiring managers or new employees by offering your hand and looking them in the eye
when offering a greeting or introducing yourself. This type of introduction bolsters your image
and sets a solid foundation for a new job or business relationship.
Trust
A firm, strong handshake transmits your underlying confidence in yourself and your abilities.
When individuals feel your confidence, it helps instill trust in your words and work abilities.
Working from a foundation of trust is important to advance sales opportunities, gain
employment, attract competent employees and obtain business partners.
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Negotiations
You can take the upper hand at negotiations by confirming your strength through your
handshake. A strong grip and a penetrating eye gaze set the tone for hard-line negotiations. You
also signal your willingness to compromise or reach a mutually beneficial agreement through a
strong yet warm handshake. Setting the negotiating tone with your first interactions help you
obtain the best deal for yourself, your client or your business with your first interactions.
Connection
Literally, a handshake offers a personal connection with another person. Even in impersonal
situations, a strong handshake helps convey your personality and intentions to another person.
For example, you can express empathy by shaking hands and placing your opposite hand on a
shoulder or on the opposite side of an extended hand. These little touches allow you to show
your empathy in a dignified and professional manner. Showing empathy may be needed with
professional contacts going through a difficult personal situation
Self-Promotion
A strong handshake may help you land a job, gain a promotion or score a lucrative client. The
right touch allows you to indicate your self-motivation, desire to achieve and assertiveness. These
assets translate well to most workplaces. Subtly presenting your assets through nonverbal cues
helps support claims on your resume, your business accomplishments and conversations.
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How to Have an Effective Handshake
For those cultures that value the handshake, much meaning is transferred by the manner in
which you proffer your hand and the method with which you shake the other person's hand.
Some people make instant judgments about your character as a result of your handshake, so it
pays to make sure it's conveying what you want it to.
Steps
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Know when to use your handshake. The appropriate times to shake another person's
hand include:
o When you are introduced to someone
o When you say goodbye to someone
o At the beginning or the end of a business, social, church, or other meeting
o Whenever it seems appropriate within a business context, such as sealing a deal.
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Be the first to extend your hand. This makes a strong, lasting impression on the person at
the receiving end. It is also about control; by offering your hand first, you are leading the
way. This applies to both men and women; don't shy away for reasons of being coy or
putting yourself down.
o The only time that you should not seek to be so affable as to offer to shake first is
where there is an authority structure in place that should be adhered to. For
example, if there is a more senior or higher-ranked person in a social gathering,
work or business context, follow the lead of the higher ranked person (President,
Governor-General, CEO etc.).
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Extend your right hand straight before the handshake. Do not have your palm facing
either up or down; the palm should meet with the palm of the other person.
o The exception to using the right hand is if you don't have one, if it is paralyzed or
otherwise seriously injured.
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Take the other person's hand in a firm but not rock-hard clasp. Make sure that the web
located between your thumb and fingers meets the web of the other person's hand.
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Keep your hand perpendicular to the ground. Do not roll it sideways for the handshake.
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Shake firm once, or at the most, twice. Avoid pumping; more shakes than two becomes
annoying and distracting from the purpose of the greeting.
o Don't linger for too long. According to Wikipedia, a normal handshake lasts about
5 seconds. If you hold someone's hand too long, it can become an embarrassing
social faux pas.
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When giving the handshake, make eye contact and state your usual greetings. Convey
confidence in both your handshake and stance.
Tips
• Make sure your hands aren't sweaty or dirty.
o Rub your overly-sweaty palms against your pant-leg and/or shirt, or on a
handkerchief or tissue. However, be warned that excess of this sweaty-hand
disposal technique may cause an embarrassing stain.
o Wash your hands. Nobody wants to shake hands with you if your hands are
covered in anything dirty.
• Interpret handshakes as follows:
o A violent shake or squeeze will have people thinking you're aggressive.
o A limp handshake will have people thinking you're weak.
o Too much pumping/shaking will have people thinking you're clingy or pushy.
• If you are shaking hands with an older person, don't grip their hand so hard.
• Be polite if the other person won't let go. Don't grimace or try to break free; it's rude to
disengage before the long-winded shaker has finished; just put up with it politely! Be
patient and wait for a natural cue of letting go and gracefully but quickly untangle your
hand and return it to your side.
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Warnings
• Don't shake too firmly; some people have fragile or feeble hands.
• Avoid floppy handshakes. A floppy handshake is not only an indicator that you lack
interest or substance; it also shows a lack of confidence.
• Don't force a handshake on someone who looks terrified by it or who declines it.
Handshaking may be culturally inappropriate for them, or it may even bother them for
some reason. Don't trespass on them; just smile and nod as an acknowledgment
How to Master the Business Handshake
What is a proper handshake? In a business situation, you’re expected to offer a firm handshake
to your business associate or client. A firm handshake with good eye contact communicates self-
confidence. Handshaking is a form of nonverbal communication that says a lot about a person.
For example, an overpowering handshake can indicate dominance or control. A weak handshake
can indicate insecurity, disinterest, shyness, and aloofness. An awkward handshake indicates
nervousness or a lack of social skills, which in turn reflects on credibility.
An appropriate handshake begins with the introduction:
1. Extend your right hand and grip the other person’s hand.
Make sure that both hands are pushed all the way in to meet web-to-web and your
thumbs are facing straight up.
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1. Shake just a couple of times in a vertical motion.
The range of motion is 2 or 3 inches. The motion is extended from the shoulder, through
the elbow, and straight through to your hand.
2. End the handshake cleanly, before the introduction is over.
If you want to count, a good handshake is held for 3 or 4 seconds.
When someone makes an introduction, always remember to stand so that you can shake hands
at an even level. This rule applies to both men and women. If you happen to be seated at a table
where reaching the other person is difficult or awkward, however, you don't have to stand.
If you tend to have cold hands, stick your right hand in your pocket to warm it up as you approach
a hand-shaking situation. And if you have perennially clammy hands, try the high school prom-
date approach: Quickly swipe your right hand on your skirt or trousers so that when you present
your hand, it's dry. You can do so quickly and gracefully, and no one will know.
If you're prone to really sweaty palms, and you have the time to plan ahead, try rubbing a
sanitizer with alcohol or antiperspirant (non-sticky and unscented!) on your hands before leaving
the house and meeting someone.
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How to Have a Persuasive Handshake
A handshake is a very common way for people to greet each other for the first time. By following
the steps in this article, you'll learn how to shake hands in a way that makes the other person
more receptive to your ideas, which can be tremendously useful in both work and social
situations.
Steps
1
Dominate the handshake by placing your hand on top. When you shake hands with somebody
you wish to influence, your palm should be facing the floor when you shake their hand. This
makes the person subconsciously feel submissive and therefore will make them very easy to
persuade later on in the interaction.
o If someone does this to you, step to their side; loosening their grip. This forces
them to turn towards you. This will give you an opportunity to pivot your hand so you can put
yours on top.
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2
Form a personal connection with the hand clasp. This is better for sales and social situations
than business situations. When you shake hands, take your other hand (your left hand) and use it
to cover the back of the person's hand you are shaking. This reinforces an emotional connection
and is appropriate when you want to establish rapport and show sympathy or integrity.
o Note that when men do this, especially in a dating context, it can appear too
overbearing. Instead, place two fingers on the back of the person's hand for a brief two to three
seconds (or the duration of the hand shake). A lighter grip with this handshake is best as it is
intended to provoke a sense of safety and protection rather than invoke fear.
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Grasp the person's elbow for greater influence. If you pay attention, you will see many powerful
politicians doing this when campaigning. While you are shaking hands, take your left hand and
lightly grasp the person's elbow for about two to three seconds. This is a subliminal method of
forcing the situation in your favour. Also, the person placing their hand on the other's elbow
appears to be genuine and have integrity to people observing the handshake.
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Put your hand on their shoulder. While you are shaking hands with the person, put your left
hand on their shoulder. Physically, that gives you great influence over their body, which also gives
them permission to be emotionally vulnerable with you. This is a very common method for
sealing deals in Arab countries.
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Handshakes & Introductions
HANDSHAKES
Handshakes are the only consistent physical contact we have in the business world. They also
happen first in an encounter, so they set the tone for the entire relationship that follows. People
make an immediate judgment about your character and level of confidence through your
handshake. So take time to practice your handshake skills until you know you can perform them
well.
Offer your entire hand, moving into your partner’s until “web meets web” (the area between the
thumb and forefinger). Grasp firmly, shake gently for 3-4 seconds (no pumping!) and then
release. Don’t forget to make eye contact and add a smile. Be ready to offer your full name, even
if you’ve met before. Don’t assume casual acquaintances will remember you, so give your name
quickly and remind them where you met.
Practice with someone and ask for his or her honest feedback. At all costs, avoid the “wet
noodle”, “bone-crusher”, “fingers only” and two-handed shakes. They convey nothing but
negative messages to others.
When do you shake hands? Whenever you’re introduced to someone, when someone enters
your office from the outside, when you leave an event attended by people from the outside and
when you run into someone outside your office. A good rule of thumb – if you shook hands at the
beginning, you should also shake when you say goodbye.
INTRODUCTIONS
There are two kinds of introductions: self-introductions and three-party introductions.
When do you introduce yourself? When you recognize someone and he or she doesn’t recognize
you, whenever you’re seated next to someone you don’t know, when the introducer doesn’t
remember your name and when you’re the friend of a friend. Extend your hand, offer your first
and last names and share something about yourself or the event you’re attending.
Tip: In a self-introduction, never give yourself an honorific such as Mr., Ms., Dr., etc.
In a three-person introduction, your role is to introduce two people to each other. In a business
or business/social situation, one must take into consideration the rank of the people involved in
order to show appropriate deference. Simply say first the name of the person who should be
shown the greatest respect. And remember, gender doesn’t count in the business world; protocol
is based upon rank. Senior employees outrank junior employees, customers or clients outrank
every employee (even the CEO), and officials (Mayor, Senator, etc.) outrank non-officials.
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Begin with the superior’s name, add the introduction phrase, say the other person’s name and
add some information about the second person. Then reverse the introduction by saying the
second’s name, followed by the introduction phrase and the superior’s name and information.
When a three-party intro is done correctly, the two people being introduced should be able to
start some small talk based upon what you shared about each of them. Introductions should
match, so if you know the first and last names of both people, say both. If you know only the first
name of one person, say only the first names of both. If you add an honorific for one person, the
other should also have one.
Examples:
“Mr. Brown, I’d like to introduce Ms. Ann Smith, who started yesterday in the mailroom. Ann, this
is Douglas Brown, our CEO.”
(Ann would be wise to call the CEO “Mr. Brown” right away and not assume she may call him by
his first name. Always use the last names of superiors and clients until you are invited to do
otherwise.)
“Pete, I’d like to introduce to you Doug Brown, our CEO. Doug, I’d like you to meet, Pete Johnson,
who’s considering our firm for his ad campaign.”
Tip: Don’t say “I’d like to introduce you to..”, but rather “I’d like to introduce to you…”
Tip: Always stand for an introduction.
Social skills are important prerequisites to succeeding in business. Knowing how to shake hands
and handle introductions can set you apart from the competition, convey confidence and project
a professional image. Practice these simple skills and you will reap the benefits!
What Does Your Handshake Say About You?
United States
Imagine you are meeting someone for the first time and the handshake begins. Instead of a firm
grasp and a friendly smile, the person offers you a hand like a limp dish rag and won’t look you in
the eye. What is your impression of this person? Your handshake expresses your personality and
gives out a lot of information about you! People judge you by the way you shake hands.
The handshake is a professional and friendly way of establishing human contact when greeting
someone. In America, the handshake is our official greeting and we need to understand
handshake etiquette.
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The handshake is the first touching that two people do, followed by direct eye contact and
greeting where each person states their full name. In today’s business and social environments,
men and women always shake hands when they are introduced and it is correct for a woman to
offer her hand first or a man to offer his hand first – the idea of a man waiting for a woman to
extend her hand first is outdated. In business, rather than gender being the deciding factor, the
higher-ranking person or the person whose office it is should extend the hand first. If there is no
clearly defined rank and you are meeting in a “neutral” place, then the person who extends their
hand first has the “power” in that setting. So if you want to be “in charge”, then be the first to
extend your hand! In social situations, women don’t have to shake hands if they don’t want to,
but they should in business environments.
A handshake is a gesture of courtesy. It should be firm enough to express warmth and strength,
and as you shake hands, there must be eye contact. A good handshake generally lasts for three
seconds. A longer one is similar to staring and could make people uncomfortable. People make an
immediate judgment about your level of confidence and character through your handshake. In
American culture, a good handshake shows confidence, openness and interest.
When I ask people in my seminars what turns them off when they meet someone, many people
complain of the limp handshake and no eye contact! The weak hand shaker comes across as
someone who is passive and untrustworthy, and is depending on the other person for all the
firmness and all the action. Given the unanimity of positive opinion regarding the firm and brief
handshake, why do so many people persist in offering the “lifeless paw”? Take action if you have
a weak handshake. Ask yourself, “Is this serving me well?”
So what is the proper handshake? Do you shake hands with a firm or a wimpy grip? We all do it,
but do we all do it well? Extend your hand out in front of you a good 18 inches with your thumb
widely separated from your other fingers. When the other person takes your hand in the same
way, keep your hand open until your thumbs can go no further. Then close your grip and shake
firmly once up and down. It is the clasp that is important, not the shake. No one likes to shake
hands with a “limp dish rag,” and it is equally annoying to have one’s hand clutched in an
exaggerated manner or clutched vigorously. If you close your hand too soon, you will be
squeezing fingers and pressing on the other person’s knuckle. If you shake limply, you feel
awkward and unconnected. If you shake too firmly, it hurts the other person’s knuckles and
fingers, especially if the person is wearing rings.
If you have been injured or for some other reason cannot shake hands with your right hand, do
not feel that you must offer an explanation or apologize for it. Simply offer your left hand. If you
are seated when being introduced to someone it is always correct for men and women to stand
and shake hands if the person standing is close enough.
What do you do if someone doesn’t want to shake your hand that you just extended? Simply
withdraw your hand and rely on a vocal greeting. Proceed as if nothing happened so that
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awkward moment slips away. What do you do if you don’t want to shake someone’s hand? Think
of the consequences of your actions. In business, academic or professional settings it is proper
etiquette and expected that you shake hands; if you don’t, nothing you say will offset the
perception that you are unprofessional and rude. In social settings, if you don't care what people
think, you could offer some gesture of salute and nod.
Remember, your handshake will be one of the first physical contact another person shares with
you, so it can help you make that all-important good first impression. Handshakes really do
matter!
A bow, a kiss or a handshake: how to greet overseas business
contacts
Customs and etiquette for meeting and greeting colleagues and counterparts from other cultures
vary widely across the world.
On the one hand, savvy business travellers find it useful to fit into other cultural situations. On
the other, it's important to avoid cringeworthy displays of cultural insensitivity, no matter how
well-intentioned.
The trick is to know what to expect, but to be predictable yourself.
It's unlikely that your Japanese business contacts will expect you to know the intricacies of
bowing on your first visit. They'll be prepared for you to conduct yourself like a Western
businessperson, not a Japanese one.
If in doubt: shake hands the way you normally would. Unless you're familar with the cultural
associations of other forms of greeting, you risk coming across somewhere between clueless and
pandering.
We've put together some specific pointers for countries and regions with a high presence of
Australian business travellers.
Japan
Bowing is seen as a quintessential part of Japanese culture, and in many ways it is. The intricacies
of interpersonal respect, however, are confusing to many business travellers.
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Follow your colleagues' lead, and consider settling for a handshake instead -- and in Japan, these
tend to be lighter than a paw-cracking squeeze.
China
Expect handshakes in China to be lighter and longer than in the West, and remember that there
are different cultural expectations about maintaining eye contact.
Whereas in the West it's considered a bit shifty to drop eye contact, it comes across as aggressive
in China to keep your eyes fixed on your counterpart.
India
Handshakes are common in corporate settings, especially in the major metropolises. Bowing is
rare outside rural areas or particularly traditional settings.
The Middle East and North Africa
Handshakes in the Middle East are almost always longer than in the West, with a similar pressure
to Western greetings.
Follow the lead of your business counterpart in dropping the handshake, and generally avoid
being the first person to drop pressure.
Southern and Western Africa
While South African business etiquette is similar to Australian practice, other countries have
different norms.
Expect a longer, lighter handshake using less energy, and don't be surprised by gestures like a
finger snap as the hands part, especially in western African countries.
South America
Across most of Latin and South America, handshakes are lighter and longer than Australians
might expect. Avoid being the person to pull away first unless the handshake has gone on
forever, or you might come across as rude.
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France
The French shake hands and often kiss cheeks as well. Entire doctoral theses have been written
about how many kisses French people use to greet each other. It's between one and four,
depending on where you are. (Here's a helpful map.)
Take your counterpart's lead here. If she or he leans in for an air-kiss or two, follow suit.
The same applies in much of the rest of the Francophone world, especially in French-speaking
areas of Western Europe.
Gracious Greetings Between Cultures
When greeting someone, an American's first instinct is to stick out his or her hand, look directly
at the other person, and smile. In some situations, this habit can mean making three mistakes at
once. And the moment of greeting is when crucial first impressions are made. Methods and styles
of greeting vary greatly around the world, and you need to know which practices apply in
different circumstances.
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Faux Pas
A handshake is not the universally approved greeting. Also, “Look 'em right in the eye” is not
always the best advice.
Live and Learn
Same-sex hand holding, seen by some as a signal of a homosexual relationship, is a common
gesture of friendship in many countries, particularly Mediterranean and Middle Eastern
countries.
• When greeting Asians for the first time, do not initiate the handshake. You may be forcing
a physical contact that the other person finds uncomfortable. Many Asians, particularly
Japanese, have learned to accept the handshake when dealing with Westerners. Because
the bow is the customary greeting in Japan, a slight bow of the head when responding to
a proffered handshake is appropriate. Westerners generally are not expected to be
familiar with the complex Japanese bowing protocols.
• Most Latinos are more accustomed to physical contact. Even people who know each other
only slightly may embrace when greeting.
• Middle Easterners, particularly Muslims, avoid body contact with the opposite sex, but
persons of the same sex commonly hug when greeting each other. When shaking hands,
men should be careful not to pull their hand away too quickly. Orthodox Jews also avoid
all physical contact with those of the opposite sex who are not family members.
• People from France, Spain, Italy, and Portugal greet friends by kissing on both cheeks.
• The smile is the near-universal gesture of friendliness, and in America its meaning is
usually clear. The person smiling is happy, amused, and/or sending out a friendly signal. In
other cultures the smile may be sending other signals. In some Latin cultures, for example,
the smile may be used to say “Excuse me” or “Please.”
• If a person from another culture does not return your greeting smile, it doesn't indicate
hostility or bad manners. In some Asian cultures, smiling is a gesture to be reserved for
informal occasions, and smiling while being formally introduced would be considered
disrespectful.
• In many cultures, avoiding eye contact is a sign of respect, but such behavior can lead to
misunderstandings. For example, some Korean shopkeepers have been accused of
disrespecting their non-Korean customers because the shopkeepers avoided making eye
contact. The same sort of misunderstanding has occurred between American teachers and
Asian students who do not look at the teacher while he or she is speaking.
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Business Etiquette: 10 Tips on How to Shake Hands With
Confidence
A handshake is more than just a greeting. It is also a message about your personality and
confidence level. In business, a handshake is an important tool in making the right first
impression.
While the art of handshaking does vary within cultures, in the United States the “rules” are pretty
universal.
1. Begin With an Oral Introduction of Yourself
Before extending your hand, introduce yourself. Extending your hand should be part of an
introduction, not a replacement for using your voice. Extending your hand without a voice
greeting may make you appear nervous or overly aggressive.
2. Pump Your Hand Only 2-3 Times
A business handshake should be brief and to the point. Consider a handshake a short “sound
bite” greeting, not a lengthy engagement. Holding on for more than three or four seconds can
make other people feel uncomfortable.
3. Shake From Your Elbow
If you shake from the shoulder, using your upper arm instead of just your forearm, you risk jolting
your handshake partner. The idea is to connect, not be overbearing.
4. Do Not Use a Forceful Grip
A handshake should be a friendly or respectful gesture, not a show of physical strength. An
uncomfortable handshake is never a pleasant experience for anyone. Imagine you are opening a
door handle and use about the same level of grip in your handshake.
5. Avoid Offering a “Fish Hand”
A limp hand is never a good idea when it comes to a business handshake. Do return the grip, but
do not get into a power struggle, even if the other person squeezes too hard.
6. Forget “Lady Fingers”
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This is not a Southern Cotillion, this is business. Offering only your fingers to shake may be
appropriate in some social settings, but in business settings you are an equal, not a “lady.” Extend
your entire hand, and be sure to grasp using your entire hand as well.
7. One Hand is Better than Two
Avoid the urge to handshake with two hands. It is always better in business introductions to use
only one hand – your right hand – for the shake. The use of two hands with strangers is seen as
intrusive, and too personal. In fact, a two-handed shake is called the “politician’s shake,” because
it appears artificially friendly when used on people you barely know.
8. Shaking a Sweaty Hand
If you shake hands with someone who has sweaty palms, do not immediately wipe your hands on
your clothing, handkerchief, or tissue. This will further embarrass the other person, who is
probably already aware they have sweaty hands. You can discretely wipe them on something
after you are out of site, and wash them later.
9. Ending a Handshake
End the handshake after 3-4 seconds, or 2-3 pumps. In order to avoid creating an awkward
moment, your shake should end before the oral introduction exchange does. Without
conversation taking place during the entire handshake, it becomes too intimate, and can feel
more like hand holding.
10. Covering Your Mistakes
Even if you make a mistake, do not panic. There are many ways to save the moment. If you are
worried that your handshake did not convey the right message about yourself, simply change the
focus of the moment by offering a quick compliment or asking the other person a question.
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Business Etiquette Tips - The Art of the Business Handshake
When and When Not to Shake Hands; How to Shake Hands in Business
Situations
Knowing how to shake hands in a business setting is important, but so is knowing when, and
when not to shake hands. Here are guidelines to help you put your best hand forward.
When to Shake Hands in Business
In the United States, the handshake is an accepted greeting in most social and business
circumstances. When in doubt, do offer your hand, unless doing so would cause someone else to
be embarrassed or inconvenienced.
It is considered appropriate and acceptable to offer a handshake when greeting:
• New business contacts, staff, coworkers, or others you are meeting for the first time;
• A former business or casual acquaintance, especially if it has been a while since you last
saw them;
• Concluding a business transaction or meeting;
• Congratulating someone else for an award, event, or accomplishment; and
• When leaving a business event, including social settings where business contacts or
acquaintances are involved.
When Not to Shake Hands
The first rule of thumb in handshaking is simple: Never offer your hand first, at any time, or in
such a way, that makes the other person feel inconvenienced or uncomfortable.
With this rule in mind, it is not a good idea to be the one to initiate a handshake:
• With someone of higher status (let them approach you or make the first gesture);
• To break an awkward moment of silence when being introduced to someone new (a
proper handshake should also involve conversation);
• If you have nothing to say to the person (a handshake is an invitation for conversation or
desire for social interaction);
• Someone whose right hand, arm, or shoulder, is clearly injured, or they need their hand to
support their weight with a cane or crutches; or
• If the other person's hands are full and a handshake would require them to shift items
from one hand to another, or to have to put things down.
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When and When Not to Shake Hands
When to Shake Hands in Business
In the United States, the handshake is an accepted greeting in most social and business
circumstances. When in doubt, do offer your hand, unless doing so would cause someone else to
be embarrassed or inconvenienced.
It is considered appropriate and acceptable to offer a handshake when greeting:
• New business contacts, staff, coworkers, or others you are meeting for the first time;
• A former business or casual acquaintance, especially if it has been a while since you last
saw them;
• Concluding a business transaction or meeting;
• Congratulating someone else for an award, event, or accomplishment; and
• When leaving a business event, including social settings where business contacts or
acquaintances are involved.
When Not to Shake Hands
The first rule of thumb in handshaking is simple: Never offer your hand first, at any time, or in
such a way, that makes the other person feel inconvenienced or uncomfortable.
With this rule in mind, it is not a good idea to be the one to initiate a handshake:
• With someone of higher status (let them approach you or make the first gesture);
• To break an awkward moment of silence when being introduced to someone new (a
proper handshake should also involve conversation);
• If you have nothing to say to the person (a handshake is an invitation for conversation or
desire for social interaction);
• Someone whose right hand, arm, or shoulder, is clearly injured, or they need their hand to
support their weight with a cane or crutches; or
• If the other person's hands are full and a handshake would require them to shift items
from one hand to another, or to have to put things down.
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Business Etiquettes: Handshakes
Handshakes are the physical greetings that go along with your words. The handshake developed
from greetings in the middle ages. In order to be sure that the person you were meeting was a
friend and not an enemy, you checked him for weapons. You held your hand open and so did he;
then you shook hands to indicate that you were a friend. Today, we use this same greeting ritual
to check whether a new person is open, confident, sincere, and friendly.
YOU ARE JUDGED BY YOUR HANDSHAKE
• Do handshakes matter? YES, if you want to connect with others and make the best possible
impression.
• Far more than you may realize, we unconsciously judge others by their handshake. Also,
handshaking is a form of non-verbal communication that says SO MUCH about a person.
• An overpowering handshake indicates: dominance, control, egotism and a lack of
trustworthiness.
• A weak handshake indicates: insecurity, disinterest, secretiveness, shyness and aloofness.
• An awkward handshake indicates: nervousness or a lack of social skills which in turn reflects
on credibility.
WHEN TO SHAKE HANDS
• When meeting someone and when you say good-bye.
• When renewing an acquaintance.
• When someone enters your home or office.
• Upon arrival when you are greeting a host, others you already know, and when being
introduced to people.
• When you meet someone you already know outside your work or home.
• When ending a transaction or leaving a business or social event.
COMPONENTS OF A GOOD HANDSHAKE
✓✓✓✓ INITIATION
• Shake hands when you start to speak.
• Lean forward ever so slightly.
✓✓✓✓ GRASP
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• Hold out your right hand, even if you are left-handed. The other person will do the same
automatically. It works nearly every time!
• Don't hold out your hand too soon or you will seem nervous.
• If you wait too long, you will seem unfriendly.
• Then you fit you hand into theirs, not too loose, not too tight.
• Don't hold your fingers loose and limp, and don't just take their fingers into your hand. Hold
their entire hand, fingers and palm all the way to where you thumbs meet and cross over
each other.
• Squeeze firmly, not too hard, and shake once or twice.
• Then let go! That's it!
A proper handshake is done from the elbow not the shoulder. You want to be relaxed enough
and not too stiff. The handshake should be firm but not bone-crushing or limp. The
handshake is held for 34 seconds. You want to avoid holding too long although in some
cultures, such as the Middle East, they tend to hold longer.
✓✓✓✓ MOTION
• Vigorous up and down movement is uncomfortable so don't distract the person you are
meeting, bond with them.
• A jerky motion is a sign of nervousness - don't give this information out, even if it's true.
• 2 or 3 smooth up and downs are plenty.
• The range of motion is 2 or 3 inches.
• If you don't move your hand enough, you may appear to be distant, arrogant or passive.
• If you move your hand too much, you may appear to be over-eager or nervous.
THE SECOND HANDSHAKE
• Don't pass up the opportunity to shake hands twice in every exchange.
• Shaking hands when you meet is important, but a goodbye handshake is even more effective.
Even if the conversation has been awkward or confrontational, a second handshake can
communicate that you like the person.
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SPECIAL CONSIDERATION
There are some situations in which shaking hands can be awkward.
• Should you be introduced to someone when your hands are full, carrying files or other
packages, don't try to rearrange everything. Simply nod your head as you respond to the
introduction.
• If you are having cocktails, hold your drink in your left hand while introductions are going
around. Later on, you can switch to your right hand. You don't want to fumble with your drink
or offer someone a wet or cold hand to shake!
• If you are wearing gloves as part of formal attire, always remove them before shaking hands
(the same goes for wearing gloves outdoors - you should take them off, unless it is bitterly
cold weather).
WHEN A PERSON SHAKES EASILY, THEY CREATE A FAVORABLE IMPRESSION.
As an overall part of first impressions, handshakes are important because they are the
accepted greeting for both men and women. In both business and social situations, you will
need to feel very comfortable shaking hands.
• A firm handshake with good eye contact shows self-confidence.
• The handshake is one simple gesture that says not only, "I'm happy to make your
acquaintance" but also "YOU interest ME more than anyone else at this moment." That's a
very powerful message and one that shows respect.
• Handshakes also reveal our basic attitude towards ourselves. When we offer a too-strong
handshake we are sending the message that we think very highly of ourselves. The opposite is
true of too-limp handshakes
TIPS FOR THE PERFECT HANDSHAKE
• If your hands tend to get clammy, try spraying them with anti-perspirant 24 hrs. ahead of
time (to take effect). Blot with a cloth (not Kleenex, it sticks to your hands). This works well
especially for an important meeting.
• To avoid a wet/cold handshake, always hold your drink in your left hand. Remember that we
shake with our...RIGHT hands. This way you won't shock anybody in conversation.
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COMMON HANDSHAKES
LIMP/WIMPY COLD FISH - This says, you don't impress me and is frankly not an impressive first
greeting. It's also quite boring. How do you correct it? I call it the web to web technique.
When this happens to you, try doing a web to web with your hand, and to get the person to
lean in gently glide their arm toward yours/pull/slide & release.
THE BONE CRUSHER - Ouch! Don't hurt me!
THE GRATITUDE HANDSHAKE - This is when someone shakes with two hands on top of yours,
and is often used when a boss or a friend is perhaps trying to express his/ her gratitude for a
job well done. It says "you've been wonderful" or "I am grateful for a job well done."
THE SYMPATHY HANDSHAKE - This expresses deep concern over another's loss and says "I know
what you're going through." This handshake is often followed by words and is deeply
personal. Both hands are used but should only be used to express a condolence.
THE PUMPER - This is done like you're pumping water from a well or like you're lifting weights at
the gym. Who needs arm weights!
s THE GRIPPER - This occurs when the person shaking your hand simply won't let go.
RECAP
Not shaking hands is a very clear form of rejection and is very insulting to the other person.
IN America, it's expected that you will offer a firm (but not bone-crushing) handshake and that
you will make eye contact. A firm handshake with good eye contact communicates respect
and self-confidence.
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Handshaking is a form of nonverbal communication that says a lot about a person. For example:
An overpowering handshake can indicate dominance or control. A weak handshake can indicate
insecurity, disinterest, shyness, and aloofness. An awkward handshake indicates nervousness or a
lack of social skills, which in turn reflects on credibility.
If you're wearing a name tag, place it on your right shoulder, because that's where a person's eye
KNOWING WHEN TO SHAKE HANDS
The answer is, all the time. When in doubt, offer your hand. Shaking
hands is appropriate when you're:
• Renewing an acquaintance.
• Acknowledging someone who enters your office, cubicle, or home.
• Greeting a client, new coworker, host, or others you know or are meeting for the first time.
• Meeting someone you already know outside work or home.
• Concluding a transaction.
• Leaving a business or social event.
Handshakes from Around the World
Handshaking is an ancient ritual. It is reported as long ago as 2800 B.C. in Egypt and it is
speculated that because the right hand is the weapon hand, presenting it open and without a
word came to be seen as a sign of peace and acceptance.
Though archaic in origin, the handshake is still the accepted form of greeting in our society in
modern times.
As a business woman, you have probably practiced and mastered the typical “Canadian”
handshake, an integral part of making a good first impression. But with the world coming to visit
us in just a few weeks for the Winter Olympics, you may be wondering if this is a custom that all
cultures share.
Here in Vancouver, BC, we have been introduced to quite an assortment of cultures and probably
have a good idea about how to greet business associates but as time goes by, customs tend to
blend and definitely crossover into our every day practices.
As a Vancouverite, you may be familiar with the term “namaste” that is commonly used by our
popular yoga culture. It is a term that comes from India.
The word "namaste" means literally, "I honor the spirit in you."
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When meeting someone in India, the word "namaste" is accompanied with the palms joined
together as in prayer however, in a business setting, a senior person will typically initiate a
handshake.
While many greetings ‘look’ similar, a greeting’s favourable acceptance often lies in the subtleties
of the interactions. Take your direction from your hosts or the person you are greeting.
At business functions or social gatherings, follow your hosts’ lead as they will most likely set an
example of appropriate behaviour for the situation. Pay special attention to handshake length
and timing, eye contact, physical contact and body language such as bows, posture, eye contact
and respect of personal space.
To Kiss or not to Kiss?
Light kisses on the cheek are customary in many European countries, with of course, the array of
subtleties.
In Belgium, it is expected that everyone in the group shake hands upon meeting and also when
leaving a meeting. Kissing on the cheeks (usually three kisses on alternating cheeks) is also a
common custom, even when meeting someone for the first time. This does not always happen in
business situations, so wait for a cue from others.
France and the United Kingdom practice a similar handshake to North America. A kiss on each
cheek is a common gesture in France exchanged between family and friends upon greeting but
not in a business setting unless very familiar with the person you are greeting.
The French also like to keep you guessing about kissing.
Depending on where you are in France will depend whether you kiss once, twice, three or four
times! http://strangemaps.wordpress.com/2007/12/02/210-french-kissing-map
It is taught in North America that a firm handshake expresses confidence and professionalism.
While in South Africa it is also customary to shake hands at the beginning and end of a meeting,
the handshakes are longer, more involved, and generally softer.
In some countries such as Turkey or the Arabic-speaking Middle East, handshakes aren't as
'strong' as in North America and Europe. A grip which is too firm will be considered rude.
In Switzerland, one should remember to shake the women’s hands first! Otherwise, shaking
hands in order of rank is appropriate.
Austrians greet each other with lots of handshaking, even with children. Men stand up to shake
women’s hands, but a woman stays seated when the man shakes her hand.
Physical contact is an important element of communication in Brazil, so don’t be alarmed or
intimidated by this.
As in most Latin cultures, a firm and enthusiastic handshake is customary among men, often
followed by a slap on the shoulder or squeeze of the upper arm. When women meet they will
normally kiss each other on the cheek (one kiss on the left cheek) and/or give a light hug.
Men are also expected to greet women with a kiss, although Brazilians may forgo this with
foreigners so as not to make the visitor feel uncomfortable.
It is appropriate to greet business associates with a smile and a firm handshake in Australia.
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Frequent, direct eye contact is also important to maintain an atmosphere of trust.
In Japan, greetings may be a handshake or a traditional Japanese bow. If greeted with a bow,
observe the depth of the bow and reciprocate in a like manner, keeping eyes lowered and hands
to the sides. Allow the Japanese to initiate the handshake, and expect it be less firm than most
countries.
The nod is a standard form of greeting in many Chinese cities however in most of the larger cities
in China is a light handshake. Bowing is reserved for ceremonies. Some Chinese will look you in
the eyes, while some will not. Lowering of the eyes is considered a sign of respect. Direct eye
contact may be considered too personal or even rude.
South Koreans have variable customs depending who initiates the greeting. Typically, a junior
person will initiate a bow, while a senior person will initiate a handshake. It is a sign of respect to
grasp the right arm with the left hand when shaking hands, but that’s it! Physical contact beyond
this is reserved for family and friends.
Tips to a Great Handshake
1. Begin with an Introduction of Yourself
Before extending your hand, introduce yourself. Extending your hand should be part of an
introduction, not a replacement for using your voice. Extending your hand without a voice
greeting may make you appear nervous or overly aggressive.
2. Pump Your Hand Only 2-3 Times
You’re not ‘priming the pump’ for water! A business handshake should be brief and to the point.
3. Shake From Your Elbow
If you shake from the shoulder, using your whole arm, you risk jolting your handshake partner.
The idea is to connect, not be overbearing.
4. Firm but not Forceful
A handshake should be a friendly or respectful gesture, not a show of physical strength.
5. Avoid Offering a “Limp Fish”
A limp hand is never a good idea when it comes to a business handshake. It can give the
impression of lack of confidence or interest.
6. Forget “Lady Fingers”
Offering only your fingers to shake may be appropriate in some social settings, but in business
settings you are an equal, not “royalty”. Extend your entire hand, and be sure to grasp using your
entire hand as well.
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7. One Hand is Better than Two
Avoid the urge to handshake with two hands. It is always better in business introductions to use
only one hand – your right hand. The use of two hands with strangers can be seen as intrusive,
and too personal.
In fact, a two-handed shake is called the “politician’s shake,” because it appears artificially
friendly when used on people you barely know.
8. Ending a Handshake
End the handshake after 3-4 seconds, or 2-3 pumps. In order to avoid creating an awkward
moment, your shake should end before the oral introduction exchange does. Without
conversation taking place during the entire handshake, it becomes too intimate, and can feel
more like hand holding.
9. Covering Your Mistakes
Even if you make a mistake, do not panic. There are many ways to save the moment. If you are
worried that your handshake did not convey the right message about yourself, simply change the
focus of the moment by offering a quick compliment or asking the other person a question.
Handshake Etiquette
A Hand Extended As A Friendly Greeting
Have you ever wondered about the origin of handshakes? You might be interested to know that
the very nature of the handshake was originally intended to show oneself friendly.
During the medieval times, when many of the men were covered in armor, the handshake was a
manner of greeting used to show friendship. If one male extended an open hand to another this
was understood to mean an extension of friendship and the gesture would be returned. Ofcourse
the alternative would be a hand extended with an accompanying dagger or sword. Suffice it to
say the handshake was a way to determine whether one was friend or foe.
Handshake Basics
The basic American handshake is very simple and most often used as a greeting between friends
or new acquaintances. Here's how it is done:
1. The right hand is extended, thumb up and palm flat.
2. Grasp the other person's hand using a firm grip, palm on palm.
3. Hands are pumped two or three time in a vertical motion.
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4. The grip is released.
You can definitely practice extending great handshakes with your friends and family members so
that you can determine what is comfortable for you and others. Trying it out on a friend is much
easier than starting out with strangers.
Handshake Types
• The Hand Hug: The "handhug" is a popular type of handshake often used by politicians.
This shake which involves the covering of the clenched hand shake with the left hand,
communicates warmth, friendship, trust and honesty.
• The Crusher: This painful handshake is a favorite shake of aggressive people. This shake is
said to display confidence and power. Considered the favorite of those who are overly
• The Queen's Fingertips: This handshake greeting is most commonly observed in male-
female encounters. Usually the female presents her outstretched hand and the recipient
grasps only a few digits of the right hand.
• The Please Keep Back: This handshake is usually extended when one of the parties is not
too excited about the greeting. He or she may feel intruded upon or inconvenienced and
the handshake will communicate the discomfort.
Handshakes in Culture
There are many alternatives to the everyday basic handshake. Many cultures have personalized
the handshake for use within their community. Here are a few.
• The "jiveshake" or "black man's shake," is associated with African-American culture. This
handshake is performed by each person clutching the base of the other person's thumb
and often leaning in to bump opposite shoulders. This shake is also a familiar greeting
amongst men in some Native American cultures.
• Members of the Boy Scouts of America use a left handed shake, referred to as the 'scout
shake.'This was a convention started by Lord Baden-Powell. Tradition states that Baden-
Powell was impressed by a legend he heard while he was in West Africa. The story goes
that two warring chiefs desiring peace, confronted one another. One chief dropped both
his weapon and his shield. Not only was his right hand empty of a weapon leaving him
unable to attack, but his left hand was left empty of a shield and he was thus unable to
defend against the weapons of the other.
• Those who practice the sport of fencing traditionally shake using the non-sworded hand at
the conclusion of their bout.
• Many secret societies, fraternities and sororities employ secret handshakes enabling them
to identify initiated brothers and sisters.
• Some cultures have a habit of shaking both hands.
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• In Western culture, handshakes should be firm as weak handshakes are considered limp
and cold.
• In European countries such as France and Italy, the norm is to shake hands every time you
meet someone.
• In some Muslim countries (such as Turkey or the Arabic-speaking Middle East), a grip that
is too firm is considered to be rude behavior.
• In China, not only are weak handshakes preferred, but the custom is to hold on for an
extended time after the initial shake.
• In Turkey, the casual standard greeting is usually a kiss on the the cheek twice. In some
cultures the handshake may be concluded by the open palm of the hand being placed on
the heart
As you greet others cross-culturally you should also remember that some religions, such as
Orthodox Judaism and Islam, prohibit physical contact between men and women. In these
situations follow the lead of the others around you. In general, men will exchange shakes with
other men and likewise the women with other women. In place of a shake it is appropriate to
give a short nod of your head.
The cultural implications of shaking hands
The once culturally pure suburbs of Detroit are becoming more and more diverse as emerging
migrant populations and suburban sprawl increases. The streets of downtown Rochester, Royal
Oak, and Birmingham are a blend of people with different ethnicity and religions. Personal
interaction when meeting people or conducting business is improved when you know the cultural
implications of handshaking.
In Russia and Poland shaking hands is okay provided it is not done in a doorway or over a
threshold. Shaking in a doorway is considered to be unlucky for both people. Hand shaking should
occur before one gets to the door or after they have already entered.
In Europe it is considered impolite to shake hands while wearing gloves. Even on the coldest days
it is expected the other person is important enough for you to remove your gloves. Fashion
gloves worn by women are an exception as these gloves can remain on the woman's hands -
however only if the gloves are designed specifically to be worn indoors.
In sub-Sahara Africa a handshake typically involves both hands. The right hands clasp while left
hands are laid over the right hands during the shake.
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In most Western cultures, such as the United States it is rude for a man to shake extend his hand
to a woman unless she first extends her hand. Although this cultural courtesy is dying it is still
expected to be followed in the elite and those in the Builder Generation.
Never attempt to shake the hand of a German man if he is with his wife unless you first shake her
hand. It is disrespectful and belittling to the woman if you seek to first shake her husband's hand.
Understanding the cultures of handshaking prevents creating a faux pas and puts you on the fast
track to relationship building.
Interesting Greeting Customs of Different Countries
To strike up cordial relation with the foreigner you must be aware of the popular customs of the
country you visit. This first impression will help you earn trust of the natives and gain their
confidence in you. Though the common way of greeting - handshake is generally accepted all
over the world, but there are certain additions to this, unique to the particular culture of the
nation. Here is a guide to the various greeting customs observed by people of different countries.
Chinese people accept the western handshake but with a pumping motion and a lighter grip.
Looking straight into the eyes while greeting is considered rude, so it is better to receive the
greeting with lowered eyes as a mark of respect. Moreover, a new friend in Chinese culture is
greeted with applause. In reaction to this, the recipient is expected to act humble and blush in
case of Americans. Amusingly, Tibetans show their tongue to people as a gesture of politeness.
This means they harbor no ill thoughts.
Japanese both follow shaking hands and bowing in case of greeting. You need to respond as the
host does, either bow or shake hands. Quite contrary to this is Ukrainian style of greeting, where
you should be ready to present your right cheek on which three kisses will be planted by the
natives along with a hug.
Similarly, Russian’s prefer a firm handshake followed by at times a bear hug, a possibility what
presents itself in case of a known acquaintance. Even kissing on the cheeks of both men and
women are popular but only for Russian men, as the Russian women prefer to keep such
closeness for their Russian counterpart. On the other hand, French like a swift handshake on
meeting and separation and shaking hands with every person.
The European, Caribbean and Latin American people, kissing on cheeks is a popular and common
custom. But with Latin Americans, kissing the top of a ladies hand after a soft and lingering
handshake is also common. Don’t take the hand before the complete handshake is done, as this
will be taken as a rejection.
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Few amusing greeting customs are rubbing noses, often termed “Eskimo Kiss” amidst the
inhabitants of South Pacific, North and South Americans and etc. A gesture of taking the guest’s
hand and caressing your face is observed by Polynesians, while the Filipinos as a mark of respect
to someone elder touches their foreheads to the palm of the other person’s hand.
Indians greet everyone with joining their hands and saying “Namaste”, which stands for “The god
in me greets the god in you”. Similar to this “Sawaddee,” is said in Thailand. These joined hands
go up against the face. The higher the hand, higher is the respect shown. Brazilians greet each
other with kisses and hugs, however the aboriginal of the Brazilian Rainforest, make an outsider
stand at the periphery of the tribe and beg to enter, that too with a gift. Similar to this is the
treatment given in distant parts of Papua New Guinea, where the guest has to tolerate a verbal
bashing before proving himself/ herself worthy of a normal greeting.
In many countries, like Arabia, speaking to the women is not allowed for a foreigner. Men may
greet each other with a hug and kiss on both cheeks, followed by a lasting handshake. Being a
non-Arabian woman, you must wait for the Arab men to offer their hand to shake, as it is not
common in Arabia to shake hands with women.
Thus, with these guidelines, you are equipped to meet and greet people from all nations and
leave a nice mark on them.
Your handshake around the world
An extra layer of knowledge
Conducting business abroad requires an extra layer of knowledge: that of the local business
culture and its customs.
While the global work environment is more fluid and interconnected than ever, localities retain
their cultural nuances, both social and professional. Being aware and respectful of those
particulars can help establish trust and facilitate successful global business dealings.
Before your next — and especially your first — business meeting in Shanghai, London or Rio de
Janeiro, brush up on the professional culture basics.
BBC Capital consulted etiquette experts and handbooks around the world to bring you a look at
the must-know information on how to greet colleagues and clients, how to behave in meetings
and at meals and what to expect when doing business in seven of the world’s leading business
centres.
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In Brazil...
Greetings: Brazilians are regarded the world around for their warmth and friendliness, something
that is also evident in the country’s business culture. Brazilians often stand close when talking
and it is common for them to touch the person — on the shoulder, for example — they are
conversing with. People often greet each other (particularly women) with light cheek kisses, even
in business environments. Men often will shake hands. Take time to personally greet and speak
with each person and make a special point to say goodbye to each person individually.
Schedules: Schedules tend to be flexible in Brazil, with business meetings sometimes starting
later than planned. But to be safe, be on time. The Brazilian work schedule includes a significant
number of federal holidays and generous allotted vacation time. People tend to take their time
off — and they savour it. They do not expect (or expect others) to do business during time off, so
be prepared to work around holiday schedules.
Meetings: Brazilians are social, preferring face-to-face communication over emails or phone calls.
Personal relationships are of high importance in Brazilian business life, so conversations are likely
to veer into what some cultures might consider private topics, such as personal lives and family
activities. Expect these topics to come up, even in meetings with multiple attendees.
Meals: Brazilians tend to keep up appearances, scheduling business meals at upscale, talked-
about restaurants. Meals can stretch for hours — there’s no such thing as rushing a meal in Brazil.
Lunches also can start in the mid to late afternoon. The host is the one expected to bridge the
conversation from business to personal. (Thinkstock)
In the United Kingdom...
Greetings: British people conduct themselves in a polite and reserved manner in business. People
are mindful of personal space and do not stand or speak too close. They also greet each other
with handshakes, but they should be lighter than the more firm handshake expected when doing
business in the United States.
Schedules: The British also tend to stick to schedules and expect punctuality in all matters of
business, including meal times. Be careful not to schedule meetings at times you think you could
be late arriving. The British workday tends to follow a clear schedule, with many professionals
heading home at 17:00 or 17:30.
Meetings: British society is relatively striated and business structures have a similarly clear
hierarchy. People expect protocol to be followed: address the proper people and go through the
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established channels when planning and conducting meetings. Meetings should be scheduled in
advance and have a specific objective, which should be outlined in the meeting invitation.
Meals: The British practice formal table manners, including properly positioning utensils on the
plate when done (at 5:25). You might also be invited to attend a cricket match or regatta in lieu of
business meal. These are formal events and attendees should dress accordingly, in professional
attire.
In China...
Greetings: People shake hands when meeting, often with slight bows. Age and rank are clearly
noted and respected in China. People introduce themselves in line with this — that is, the most
senior individuals are greeted first. Because the Chinese value the group over the individual, full
names are written with family name first. The Chinese also might initially introduce themselves
this way. People also tend to introduce themselves with their full titles and company name —
and you should follow suit.
Schedules: Punctuality is appreciated and respected in business. Arriving early for a dinner,
however, is considered a sign of hunger and is therefore rude. Show up about five minutes before
a meeting or meal is scheduled to begin.
Meetings: Chinese culture is reserved compared with other cultures around the world. As such,
the Chinese may come off as standoffish in professional gatherings. Meetings are kept civil and
respectful in a formal way — and they stick to business. Chinese meetings are highly structured,
so interrupting is considered rude. Because Chinese are hyper aware of seniority and rank,
seating should be arranged with this in mind.
Meals: The Chinese are very hospitable and lavish when hosting guests, including in business. It is
not uncommon to throw banquets for guests (a gesture that should be returned at some point)
and for business associates to argue over who will pick up a check. There will likely be frequent
toasts during meals. The protocol: clink your glass below the rim of someone of a higher rank. Do
not serve your own drink, but make sure to keep the glasses of those next to you full. Because
dishes are usually served on a lazy Susan, you should serve yourself from the dish directly in front
of you. Slurping soup and burping at the table are acceptable, so don’t be put off. People leave
food on their plate to show they are satisfied. It is also common practice for Chinese hosts to stay
until the guest of honour leaves. (Getty)
In the United States...
Greetings: People introduce themselves by name and with a firm handshake to everyone present.
Business culture in the US is generally mindful of the separation between professional and private
life. While pleasantries and a brief exchange asking how someone is doing are common,
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conversation quickly moves to business. Similarly, Americans are very conscious about personal
space and tend to give more than in European or Latin countries. Close-talking is generally
uncomfortable in American professional settings.
Schedules: Whether on phone calls, to meals or dinner, promptness is expected. Many people in
the US consider being on time as actually being late in business settings, so be sure to arrive
early. That said, expect a straggler or two. Business dinners generally follow the conclusion of the
workday and tend to start as late as 19:00.
Meetings: In most business settings, Americans schedule meeting times and stick to them.
Conversation is usually kept on-topic and sticks to business, with light conversation before or
after a meeting wraps. While it varies by industry, Americans tend to dress conservatively,
although many workplaces in the US have adopted business casual dress policies.
Meals: Americans are open to scheduling and doing business at any meal, including breakfast. But
people watch the clock, including during business lunches, which are typically kept to one-hour’s
time. Don’t be put off by your host checking his or her watch at regular intervals, but answering
calls or checking phones during a meal is impolite. Wait until everyone is served before eating.
Americans are known to be big eaters, so feel free to take seconds if offered. Keep in mind that
smoking is unpopular indoors the US, not to mention illegal in most settings where a business
meal would take place. To be safe (and avoid potential judgment) wait until the meal has
concluded to smoke outside. Follow the host’s lead when it comes to ordering alcohol. (Getty)
In Singapore...
Greetings: People shake hands when they meet and often also greet each other with a small,
polite bow. Singaporeans address each other formally — and you should do the same. Business
cards should be offered and received with two hands.
Schedules: Tardiness is considered disrespectful. Be on time, at the least. Arriving early is
appreciated in Singapore, be it for business or social activities.
Meetings: Efficiency is the goal, so meetings and dealings often are fast-paced. Singaporeans are
direct in their discussions, even when the subject is about money. People dress conservatively,
especially in business settings. Rank is important and dictates how people interact in meetings.
For example, people avoid disagreeing outright with someone of a higher rank.
Meals: Dinners are common, but generally they are treated more like social gatherings than
business dealings. Asian cutlery, like chopsticks and porcelain spoons, usually are presented and
should be utilized. Singapore has a sizable Muslim population, so be careful not to use your left
hand to pass anything at the table or to eat, even if you are left handed. A small bowl of water
and towel are often given to each diner for hand washing. Dip the towel into the bowl and use it
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to clean your fingertips, as well as around your mouth if necessary. If a lemon is provided, rub it
on your fingers and then dip your fingers into the bowl. (Thinkstock)
In the United Arab Emirates...
Greetings: Status is important in the UAE, so the most senior or oldest person should be greeted
first — with their titles. A lingering handshake is the expected method for introduction. Do not
pull away from the handshake, even if it seems lengthy. It is not uncommon for someone to take
another person’s hand when showing then something or leading them to a destination.
Schedules: For most companies, the official workweek runs Sunday through Thursday to avoid
working on Friday, the Muslim holy day. While locals might generally follow more relaxed
schedules and keep people waiting, they expect foreigners to be prompt. The Muslim call to
prayer sounds out five times per day and can interrupt business dealings. Expect your hosts to
slip out for this, and wait patiently for them to return.
Meetings: As cultural protocol dictates, women should cover themselves when it comes to dress,
even in business settings. Men also tend to be covered from neck to elbows and down to the
knees. Men should be mindful to not maintain too much eye contact with women. Business deals
often happen among family and friends, and honour is a driving force in business. First meetings
are typically meant to establish relationships and build trust, so business should come second to
forging personal relationships in your initial meetings.
Meals: Hospitality is taken seriously in the Middle East — to the point that some meals or events
might seem extravagant to outsiders. People do not shy from entertaining in their homes, but
they also hold business meals at restaurants. Touching or passing food or eating with your left
hand is to be avoided. Keep in mind that alcohol consumption in public is illegal in the UAE, as in
most Islamic countries. Business breakfasts are common. When meetings are one-on-one,
however, if your host offers you coffee, you should refuse. It might seem odd, but it is a cultural
tradition. Coffee should only be accepted if it is already set out or presented.
In Switzerland...
Greetings: Shake hands with everyone when coming and going. The Swiss tend to be formal and
address each other by last name with honorific titles like Mr. or Ms. They also are respectful of
private lives and do not inquire deeply about personal subjects with colleagues. You should be
careful not to ask about personal topics.
Schedules: Punctuality is vital, something that stems from a deep respect for others’ time among
the Swiss. Arrive at any meeting or event a few minutes early to be safe.
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Meetings: The Swiss pride themselves on appearing poised in business. Businesspeople tend to
be firm in their dealings without being pushy. They also have clear structure in their companies
and authority is respected. Higher-ups make the final decisions, even if others might disagree.
Neat, clean dress is expected. The Swiss craft agendas for business meetings and follow them
closely, so be sure to study the agenda before you arrive.
Meals: The Swiss are protective of their personal time outside of working hours, so you will likely
be invited to lunch instead of dinner for a business meal. If you are asked to a business dinner,
your spouse will generally be extended an invitation, too — and should attend if able. The Swiss
follow formal table manners. They also keep their hands visible at the table and their elbows off
the table. It is polite to finish the food on your plate. (Getty)
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PART 2: EYE CONTACT
3 Etiquette Rules You Should Know About Eye Contact
Eye contact is the most immediate and noticeable nonverbal message you can send others. Not
enough eye contact and people deem you untrustworthy. Too much eye contact may seem
inappropriate for most professional settings.
"It can be subtle or direct, and knowing how to mix the two is a major part of the art of building
relationships," Sharon Sayler writes in her new book What Your Body Says (And How to Master
the Message).
But how do you know how much eye contact is too little or too much? And where do you actually
look when you're looking someone in the eye? According to Sayler, the appropriate amount of
eye contact should be "a series of long glances instead of intense stares." Below are a few other
etiquette rules about eye contact you should keep in mind:
1. Eye contact with a business associate.
This positioning is most appropriate in a business situation. Imagine a line below your business
associate's eyes. This will serve as the base of a triangle and the peak will be at their mid-
forehead. To maintain a professional contact, keep your eyes in the middle of that triangle when
speaking to others.
2. Eye contact in a personal relationship.
If you know the other person on a personal level, invert the triangle so that its peak is now at
their mouth. Still, keep your eyes focused in the middle of the triangle, which is now at the bridge
of their nose. Also, always be aware that spending too much time looking at the lower half of
someone's face may give off inappropriate nonverbal messages.
3. Eye contact with controlled blinking.
"We tend to blink more when we are under stress so learn to control your blink rate," Sayler says.
If you're trying to send a serious message, you should practice your direct eye contact without
blinking, because "limited blinking adds to your message's credibility."
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Managing your eye contact is important, as it can give away what you're thinking and how you're
feeling. In a business environment, you need to learn how to monitor your own eye contact and
movements, as these messages are the most expressive of all nonverbal messages.
When thinking about eye contact, you should also be aware of the cultures involved. Direct and
prolonged eye contact is seen as a sign of trustworthiness and is more appreciated in Western
cultures. On the other hand, it may be seen as a sign of disrespect to look directly at a superior in
Eastern cultures.
Business Etiquette on Eye Contact
As a small-business owner or leader, it is important to understand aspects of business etiquette
for your dealings with business partners, associates and employees that you train. Eye contact is
one key element of business etiquette. Appropriately engaging people you engage with is
important to projecting the right attitude and image.
Proper Approach
Appropriate eye contact includes around three to five seconds of constant engagement of a
listener before you look away. Typically, in a conversation, you look the other person in the eye
when speaking or listening, then look away briefly to reflect or ponder your next thought. Eye
contact is equally important whether talking or listening. When you talk, eye contact helps you
capture attention. When you listen, eye contact shows that you have genuine interest in what the
other person says.
Messages Conveyed
The point of proper eye contact is that it conveys specific messages in a conversation or
presentation. When speaking, eye contact projects an image of professionalism. It also shows
that you have confidence in yourself and what you say. Your eyes strengthen your message when
you have passion and enthusiasm for your company, products or services. Eye contact also shows
respect for the other person, whether you speak or listen.
Improper Approach
In general, the worst thing you can do is not engage the other party at all with your eyes. This
conveys disinterest or lack of engagement with the other person. You can also misfire with eye
contact that is too brief or excessive. Irregular or fragmented eye contact suggests you are
nervous, lack confidence or are distracted by things going on around you. None of these are
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positive messages. Overly long eye contact either projects a domineering attitude or possible
romantic interest in the other party.
International Considerations
While eye contact is a universal nonverbal communication method, its meaning can vary across
cultures. In Western Europe, I contact carries a similar meaning as it does in the U.S., as it is
viewed as polite. In Asia, Africa and Latin America, though, prolonged eye contact is generally
regarded as disrespectful or challenging. Thus, if you do business with people from those
cultures, it is important to consider this difference in the field. Brief eye contact is common, but it
is important not to stare or lock eyes for too long.
The Importance of Eye Contact
How often have you talked with another guy who never looked you in the eye during the entire
length of the conversation? Or perhaps he did meet your gaze a few times, but then his eyes
shifted back to his shoes or to some point off in the distance.
I’d like to say that the ability to make good eye contact is one of the social skills a lot of young
men seem to be struggling with these days, which would be true, but I’ve encountered enough
gaze-averting middle-aged men to know that it’s a multi-generational problem. And actually, it’s
probably something men have always struggled with—females are on average better at making
and holding eye contact than males, and in fact, it’s been found that the higher the levels of
testosterone a fetus is exposed to in utero, the less eye contact they make as infants—across
genders. Interestingly, the exception to this rule are male babies who have the very highest levels
of T; they end up being as adept at eye contact as their female counterparts—alpha babies aren’t
afraid to look you in the eye!
But just because making eye contact doesn’t come naturally to us men, doesn’t mean you should
just shrug your shoulders and accept this predisposition. The ability to make high-level eye
contact is a skill every man should work on, as it has been shown to create some incredible
benefits for the gazer. Numerous studies have shown that people who make higher-levels of eye
contact with others are perceived as being:
• More dominant and powerful
• More warm and personable
• More attractive and likeable
• More qualified, skilled, competent, and valuable
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• More trustworthy, honest, and sincere
• More confident and emotionally stable
And not only does increased eye contact make you seem more appealing in pretty much every
way to those you interact with, it also improves the quality of that interaction. Eye contact
imparts a sense of intimacy to your exchanges, and leaves the receiver of your gaze feeling more
positive about your interaction and connected to you.
In short, making greater eye contact with others can increase the quality of all of your face-to-
face interactions; there’s no area of your life where being seen as more attractive, confident, and
trustworthy wouldn’t be a boon. Being able to look people in the eye and hold their gaze can help
you better network with others, land a job, pitch an idea, make a moving speech, woo the ladies,
and intimidate your enemies. It can help a lawyer win over a jury, a boxer psych out his
opponent, and a minister connect with his congregants. It can even aid a musician in winning
over new fans; studies have shown that the more eye contact a musician makes with his
audience, the more they enjoy his music—take note ye members of struggling bands!
And the best part of all this is that improving your eye contact is something you can do relatively
quickly and easily. Next week in the second article of this two-part series, we’ll cover all the
practical nuts and bolts on how to do that, and offer some really helpful eye contact tips for both
general conversational situations as well as specific scenarios.
But today we’d like to begin with an exploration of why making eye contact is so important in
forming relationships with other people, and why it can be so hard to do.
Why Eye Contact Is Vitally Important for Creating Positive
Connections with Others
Why does making eye contact with people have such a dramatic effect in improving their
perception of you? There are four main reasons:
1. Our eyes were made to connect. It’s easy to see why the eyes of others capture our gaze:
they’re free-moving orbs lodged in an otherwise stationary face; eyeballs are really kind of weird
when you think about them, aren’t they? But they also grab our attention for a reason that is
distinctly human. While our irises and pupils float on a bright white canvas, none of the other 220
species of primates have white in their eyes at all, or at least whites that can readily be seen.
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Image source
The whites of our eyes make it very easy for others to see exactly what we’re looking at and
notice when our focus changes direction. While primates will typically turn their gaze in the
direction a person points his whole head towards, a human infant is more likely to follow the
person’s eyes, regardless of which way the person’s head is tilted. Anthropologists think our
uniquely human eyes evolved to help us achieve a greater level of cooperation with others, which
is helpful in survival and building a civilization. All of which is to say: your eyes were made to
communicate with the eyes of other people.
2. Our eyes reveal our thoughts and feelings. You’ve probably heard the old expression: “The
eyes are the window to the soul.” While that may not be literally true, they do reveal a great deal
about what we’re really thinking and feeling from moment to moment.
Think of all the eye-related expressions we have in our language. We’re seduced by “bedroom
eyes,” wary of “shifty eyes,” and afraid of getting the “evil eye.” We’re attracted to people who
have “kind eyes” and eyes that “sparkle,” “glow,” or “twinkle,” while we’re repelled by those who
are “dead behind the eyes.” When someone is eager and peppy we say they’re “bright-eyed;”
when they’re bored we describe their eyes as “glazed over.” Love stories in both fiction and real
life very often begin with two pairs of eyes meeting across a room. And Bryan Adams says you
can gauge your love for a woman from your ability to see your unborn children in her eyes! Kind
of romantic, kind of creepy.
That we give so much credence to the idea that we can read someone from what’s in their eyes is
due to the fact that even when we hide what we’re really thinking and feeling in our body
language and facial expressions, it’s often still revealed in our eyes. “The eyes don’t lie” as people
say (although good liars can, in reality, get their eyes to fib for them). This is why poker players
often wear sunglasses in order to disguise their reactions to the hands they’re dealt.
The human propensity to look to someone’s eyes in order to decipher what they’re thinking
starts very early in life. Around 9-18 months, infants will begin to look to their parents’ eyes to
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figure out what they’re trying to convey when their face is otherwise ambiguous. And we
continue to do this for the rest of our lives.
Finally, we lend a lot of weight to eye contact in our interactions because it’s a form of
simultaneous communication. You don’t have to take turns expressing yourselves as you do with
talking. If you’ve ever had a whole mini conversation across the room with your spouse, using
only your eyes, you know how this works.
3. Eye contact shows attention. Sociologists tell us that people are starved for attention these
days. Despite the fact that we’re more “connected” than ever, folks are hungry for face-to-face
interactions and someone to really, sincerely listen to them. This hunger for attention can
manifest itself in things like “conversational narcissism.” And if you read our discussion about
that social malady from awhile back, you’ll remember that we talked about how you show your
attention to someone with whom you are talking by using “support-responses,” such as nodding
your head and offering “background acknowledgments” like “mmm’s” and “yeah’s.” Well, eye
contact is another form of background acknowledgement—and a very important one at that. It
shows the speaker that you’re tuned in to what he’s saying. Think of how crappy you feel when
you’re talking with someone and he’s looking all around the room for someone else to ditch you
for.
The ability to give eye contact to someone as they speak is an especially powerful tool these days;
it has become so common for people to break their gaze to check their phone during a
conversation, that giving someone your complete and undivided attention can truly win them
over.
4. Eye contact creates an intimate bond. When I am performing a task or feeling an emotion, and
you are observing me do so, the same neurons that are being lit up in my brain by actually having
the experience, are the ones that light up in your brain just from watching me. This is made
possible by the presence of “mirror neurons” in our craniums. And the activation of these mirror
neurons is especially sensitive to facial expressions, and, you guessed it, eye contact. Have you
ever been hit hard with an emotion after looking into the eyes of someone who was experiencing
it? Eye contact creates moments where you are able to really feel what someone else is feeling. It
links together your emotional states and creates empathy and an intimate bond.
This is why when we’re interacting as disembodied selves on the internet, it can be very easy to
be angry and hateful to people, but when you see someone face-to-face, and look into their eyes,
you often can get a sense of their humanity and your anger greatly dissipates.
Getting in-sync with others, sharing our feelings, showing attention, creating a bond: eye contact
is truly a powerful tool for connecting with others.
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Why Is It So Hard to Make Eye Contact?
But on the other hand…getting in-sync with others, sharing our feelings, showing attention,
creating a bond…these things aren’t easy—especially for men!
While people like to see our eyes so they can get a handle on what we’re really thinking and
feeling, from our side of things, revealing what’s going on inside our heads can make us feel very
vulnerable. We avoid eye contact when we don’t want people to take a closer look at us and see
more of who we are. This reticence can be rooted in several causes:
Hiding deceit. If you’re purposefully hiding the truth from someone, you may hesitate to look
them in the eye because you’re worried that your eyes will give away the truth, and because
creating the kind of intimate bond described above when you’re knowingly duping someone
makes you feel especially ashamed. This is why people will sometimes, although not always,
avoid your gaze when they’re lying to you, why people say things like: “Look me in the eye when
you tell me that!” and why people who do make solid eye contact are considered more
trustworthy.
Masking emotions. There are times when you’re not trying to disguise a lie outright, but simply
wish to conceal your true feelings from others, such as when you do not think your reaction to
something will be received favorably by them. Anger, fear, and surprise are the emotions that
register most through our eyes, and are hardest to hide. And they’re also the emotions we most
often want to keep from others.
Insecurity. Finally, one of the most common reasons that people avoid eye contact is from simple
insecurity. Eye contact invites more interaction, and you might not want people to take a closer
look at you because of how you feel about yourself.
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People with higher-status make more eye contact when they’re speaking to others, while those
who feel they are of lower-status will make less eye contact and be the first to avert their gaze.
When a guy can’t look anyone in the eye when he’s speaking to them, it’s often because he
doesn’t feel like he comes up to anyone’s level; he doesn’t believe he can hold his own with other
people.
This lack of confidence can be rooted in insecurity over one’s physical appearance, or the state of
one’s mind. A study was done where college students were shown faces which looked at the
participants with different kinds of gazes—averted or direct. The students then ranked the faces
on whether they seemed approachable or avoidable. Then a survey was given to the participants
that evaluated their mental health. The students who ranked the faces that had a direct gaze as
approachable were found to be more emotionally stable than those who found the direct gaze
faces avoidable. Another study specifically showed that people who suffer from depression—
which can do a number on a person’s self-confidence–are less likely to make eye contact with
people.
People will also avoid eye contact when saying a sarcastic, as opposed to a sincere, comment, as
sarcasm is often used by those who are too insecure to show aggression or state their opinion
directly.
The Best Way to Improve the Quality of Your Eye Contact
The common denominator in all three of the above reasons for avoiding eye contact is the fear of
rejection. If eyes are the portals to our feelings and thoughts, eye contact acts as an intimacy
regulator. The more eye contact you make, the more you put yourself out there. Thus the more
confidence you have in what people will find once they get a closer look at you and peer into the
chamber of your heart, the more comfortable you feel with looking them in the eye. And
conversely, the more shame you feel about what others will discover when you open up to them,
the more likely you are to avert your gaze.
As I mentioned, next week we’ll get into the practical nuts and bolts of how to make eye contact
in the right way. But it should be obvious from this introduction that no amount of external fine
tuning of your gaze can compensate for unresolved internal issues that need fixing. You can force
yourself to make eye contact with people even when you don’t feel like it, but good eye contact
is not just about quantity, it’s about quality. While it may not be true that the eyes are the
window of the soul, in my opinion there really is something almost metaphysical about the way in
which our character becomes etched upon them. People with kind eyes are almost invariably
kind people. People with a twinkle in their eyes are almost always possessed with an enviable
vitality. And those with dead eyes on the outside, tend to be dead on the inside, too.
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Thus the foundation of good eye contact truly comes from within (changing your outer
appearance by doing things like losing weight and dressing your best helps too, but even these
things typically require a change of inner attitude). The more you live a life of integrity, the easier
it will be to look everyone you meet in the eye, and do it with confidence and a real smile.
How to Make Eye Contact the Right Way in Life, Business, and
Love
General Principles for Making Effective Eye Contact
Eye contact begets eye contact. You might be hesitant to make eye contact with people because
you don’t think they want to make eye contact with you. And sure enough, when you look at
them the first time, they look away. But they’re probably looking away because they’re thinking
the same thing you did; that you don’t really want to make eye contact with them! Even though
you made the first move, they’re still worried about rejection. But most people are just waiting
for permission to get into a mutual gaze. Studies have shown that once one person in a
conversing pair initiates greater eye contact, the other person will follow suit and increase his or
her own level of eye contact as well.
But don’t be a creeper. In order for eye contact to be effective, it needs to be welcome and
appropriate. When eye contact is unwanted, it goes from gazing to staring, and being stared at
makes people uncomfortable. Eye contact results in physiologic arousal—it increases prefrontal
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brain activity and activates the sympathetic nervous system, speeding up a person’s heart rate,
perspiration, and breathing. And this happens not only when you’re directly looking into
someone’s eyes, but also when you simply perceive that someone is staring at you. This arousal
can be a good thing–if you and a lovely lady are looking into each other’s eyes, it can create a
more intense connection. But when someone fixes their gaze on you in a creepy way, it can feel
as if a predator is stalking you in the wild; it sets off your threat-o-meter.
Thus good eye contact is based on mutuality. As Michael Ellsberg, author of The Power of Eye
Contact, puts it:
“In order for eye contact to feel good, one person cannot impose his visual will on another; it is a
shared experience. Perhaps eyes meet only for a second at first; one partner then tests the
waters and tries a few seconds, and when that is met warmly, the pair can begin ramping up the
eye contact together until they are locked in a beautiful dance of eyes and gazes.” [emphasis
mine]
After you’ve made two attempts to initiate eye contact with someone, if they don’t reciprocate at
all, give it up.
When you’re with someone you’re not as familiar with, lean back as you increase your eye
contact. The bit of added space between you balances out the greater eye contact you’re making,
allowing the receiver of your gaze to feel more comfortable and keeping the intimacy level from
ramping up too quickly. Conversely, when someone is talking to you about something intense and
personal, lean in as you hold their gaze to show that you’re giving them your full attention.
Focus on one eye at a time and switch between them. When you’re sitting close to someone,
you can’t actually look at both of their eyes at the same time, and if you try to, your gaze will
become off-putting and laser-like. You may have never stopped to think about it, but when you
look someone in the eye, it is literally just their eye; you look at one of their eyes at a time. You
probably already have one eye (the left or the right) that you tend to focus on, but it’s good to
switch your gaze from one eye to the other during a conversation (it looks more natural and show
more attention and interest). Don’t flit your gaze between their eyes too frequently—you don’t
want to appear as if you’re watching a ping-pong match. Smoothly and naturally.
Some people suggest that since you can’t look in both of a person’s eyes at the same time, you
should just stare at the bridge of his or her nose. But people can sometimes tell you’re doing that,
making the tactic seem artificial and even manipulative.
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Don’t overdo it. More eye contact is good…up to a point. You don’t want to lock eyes with
someone for an entire conversation. About every 5 seconds, or about the time it takes to speak a
single sentence, look away from their eyes for a beat and then back again. Find a natural rhythm–
don’t be counting the seconds in your head.
If you feel lost as to how to find that rhythm at first, try the “triangle method.” Look at one of the
person’s eyes for a beat, then the other eye for a beat, then at their mouth, and then back at
their first eye. Repeat. As you practice this method and get a handle on what good eye contact
feels like, you should be able to jettison the set pattern for a flow that comes naturally.
It’s fine to look away from someone when you’re trying to gather your thoughts.
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Also note that it’s quite normal and appropriate to break eye contact and look away from
someone as you recall a memory, mull something over, or gather your thoughts about what you
want to say next.
When you break your gaze, look to the side, not down. Looking down when you break
someone’s gaze signals lower-status, shame, and/or submission. Not the kind of message you
want to convey. Instead, break your gaze horizontally.
Work your way up. Improving your eye contact is something you can do relatively quickly and
easily. It just takes practice. Start out by increasing your eye contact with your family; you may
find you don’t even look your own brother in the eye when you talk to him. Then increase your
eye contact with your friends, and then your co-workers. As you start to feel more comfortable
holding people’s gaze, work on making eye contact with salespeople and waiters. Finally, start
making eye contact with strangers and new people you meet. Before long you’ll be a veritable
eye contact expert!
Eye Contact Tips for Specific Scenarios
In Business and Sales
When giving criticism/feedback to an employee. Sitting directly face-to-face makes the
conversation seem more intimidating and interrogation-like. Instead, sit across from the
employee at about a 45 degree angle, with the hand you’re writing with closest to the employee.
This angled position makes it more natural for you to oscillate your gaze between the employee’s
eyes and the paperwork in front of you.
When trying to make a sale. If you’re a salesman, making eye contact with potential buyers is
important in building trust and rapport, but it’s also useful to watch for when they make eye
contact with you. They’ll often do that when you’ve said something that especially interests
them, so pause and expand on that point or product feature.
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When you’re making a pitch. Make eye contact with everyone in the room. Don’t make eye
contact with the president but not the veep. Don’t forget to make eye contact with the secretary
too.
In a job interview. In a job interview, eye contact is second in importance only to dress when it
comes to nonverbal influencers. One study found that interviewers “were more likely to hire and
rate as credible and attractive interviewees who maintained a normal or high degree of gaze than
those who averted their gaze.” So be sure to make good, solid eye contact with the interviewer
using the tips above.
When You Want to Intimidate
Make more eye contact when you speak than when you listen. People who have higher-status
make more eye contact when they’re speaking, and less eye contact when they’re listening; this
shows power. Those with lower-status do the opposite, and this shows submission. A high ratio
of speaking to listening eye contact is referred to as visual dominance.
Now keep in mind that in most interactions, even if you do actually have higher-status than the
person with whom you’re conversing, the best way to go is to make equal amounts of eye
contact whether you’re speaking or listening. It pays to make a lot of eye contact when listening,
as it makes the other person feel important, and making other people feel important is the
linchpin of becoming charming and thus persuasive. Famously charismatic men like Ronald
Reagan and Bill Clinton were well-known for their ability to make each person they met feel like
no one else in the room mattered, and they did that by locking eyes with the person and really
listening to him or her.
But in situations where it would be advantageous to show that there’s a pecking order, and that
you’re on top of it, try making more eye contact when you speak and less when you listen.
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Hide your eyes. When someone covers his eyes, the communication and feedback between him
and another person becomes one-sided. The “eye-less” guy can see what’s going on with the
other person, but the other person doesn’t know what’s going on with the eye-less guy. This is
why studies have shown that those who cover their eyes seem more powerful and in control—
although this imbalance also naturally creates resentment from those they interact with. This is
why police officers in mirrored shades can seem intimidating, why people who wear sunglasses
indoors tick other people off, and why Darth Vader is so dang scary.
Stare ‘em down. When you can’t or don’t want to cover your eyes, but you still want to intimidate
someone, it’s simply a matter of staring them down and not being the one who looks away first.
The person who maintains his gaze shows dominance and higher-status, while the person who
looks away first signals their submission. Maintaining your glare shows that you’re confident,
which can sometimes help psyche out an opponent, or convince the guy who wants to fight you
at the bar to back off.
MMA fighters are masters of the stare-down:
Meeting the Eyes of a Stranger on the Street
First, why would you want to do this anyway? Well Michael Ellsberg argues that making eye
contact with strangers you pass on the street is not only excellent practice for making eye contact
with people you actually know, and can lead to getting more dates, it can even “transform the
urban landscape:”
“Before I started doing this, I would walk around the city and mostly view the other people I
encountered as obstacles or annoyances. But once I started doing it—once I started looking into
the windows of hundreds of people’s souls each day—the whole scene shifted. I suddenly saw so
much beauty out there, so much sadness. So many heavy burdens, so much joy…The city became
a symphony of emotion—all from this simple shift.”
According to Ellsberg there are a few keys to successfully making brief eye contact with strangers
on the street, and they basically all revolve around the fact that you don’t want your eye contact
to make people feel threatened. First, he recommends keeping your facial expression neutral and
your gaze soft—the eye and face muscles are relaxed–no laser-eyes. Second, you don’t want to
initiate eye contact with someone from too far away; you should attempt to make eye contact
with the person when you’re about 4-5 paces from crossing paths. Finally, only look into their
eyes for a quick moment—about one pace or just long enough to see their eye color.
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When Talking to Other Men
As we mentioned earlier, eye contact creates physical and psychological arousal, increasing
activity in the receiver’s prefrontal brain and speeding up their breathing and heart rate. For
men, this physiological response can make a high-stakes conversation feel too confrontational. So
when you want to talk to another man about something important, do it side-by-side—go for a
drive, or a walk, or fishing together.
When Trying to Woo Women
Eye contact is one of the best ways of building attraction with the ladies and is beneficial in every
stage of a relationship:
The Initial Encounter
Making eye contact with a woman. While you may think of your level of attractiveness as set in
stone, studies have shown that how attractive you look to others is influenced by things like your
facial expression, and, you guessed it, whether or not you’re gazing in their direction. Simply
looking at a woman directly, while also smiling, makes you appear more attractive to her. The
most attractive face to show a woman is one with direct eye contact, a relaxed face (don’t show
tension, especially in your jaw), and an easy smile.
If a woman meets your eyes, don’t be the first one to look away. Remember, the person who
holds the gaze longer shows power; you’re not literally trying to assert your superiority here—
holding your gaze simply signals your confidence, which is attractive to women.
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Interpreting her eye contact. When you look over at a woman, she will usually look away,
whether she’s interested in you or not. But the way in which she averts her gaze tells you a lot
about whether she wants you to approach her or not:
• If she looks down and then looks back at you less than 45 seconds later, she is almost
definitely interested. This sign is so nearly fail-proof that you don’t need any smooth pick-
up lines when you approach her—just offer your hand and introduce yourself.
• If she looks away horizontally, she’s not sure if she’s interested in you or not yet. Smile
and make eye contact again to see how she reacts.
• If she averts her gaze by looking up, she’s not interested. Basically, she just rolled her eyes
at you.
After You Meet
Once you’ve caught a lady’s eye, and have started talking with her, don’t let up on the eye
contact, because it will continue to reap benefits. In our previous article, we talked about the way
in which eye contact fosters intimate bonds, and that’s a boon if you’re trying to win over a
woman.
In a study conducted by Dr. Arthur Aron, strangers were brought into a lab and paired off into
opposite sex couples. The newly-formed couples who were asked to look into each other’s eyes
for two minutes straight later reported feelings of attraction, affection, and even love for their
partners. One of the couples even went on to marry.
Once You’ve Been Together Awhile
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So eye contact can help initiate a relationship and then deepen its intensity. It can also keep
feelings of love alive in the long-term. Studies have shown that couples with the strongest love
for each other also make the most eye contact and hold mutual gazes for longer periods of time.
Now correlation isn’t causation—does gazing at each other more keep you in love, or is it just
that those who are in love want to look at each other more often? Probably more of the latter,
but it certainly couldn’t hurt to try to “see” (in the Avatar sense, naturally) your partner more
often. Make some googoo eyes over dinner from time to time.
When Giving a Speech
Speakers who make eye contact with the audience are perceived as more trustworthy,
competent, and confident. Eye contact also helps you build a greater sense of intimacy between
you and your audience, and this connection creates ethos; which in turn makes your message
more convincing. Someone who’s constantly looking at their notes seems nervous (Do they have
something to hide? Are they not competent enough to prepare adequately?) and is more likely to
be dismissed.
When you’re speaking to a large audience, it is of course not possible to make eye contact with
each and every person in attendance. Some people will tell you to fake it by looking over
everyone’s heads—but you won’t convince anyone with that method. You also shouldn’t do the
head bobber thing where you look at your notes for a second and then quickly at your audience
and then back at your notes…Finally don’t “spray” your gaze over the audience like you’re
shooting it from an aerosol can. Instead, you want to make actual eye contact with individual
members of the audience.
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In order to be able to do this, you first need to try to memorize your speech, and if you can’t do
that in its entirety, then create an outline with just your main points, so that you only have to
look down a few times to find your way.
Now that your eyes are free to roam around the room, you can go about making eye contact with
folks in the audience in a few different ways, depending on the size of the audience:
30 people or less. When you’re addressing a small group, say around a conference table, don’t
keep moving your gaze clockwise or counterclockwise around the table, stopping to make a few
seconds of eye contact with each person before sweeping around again. People will begin to
anticipate and sort of dread their “turn.” Always be looking at someone, but keep who you look
at random and mix it up throughout your presentation.
30 or more people. Try the triangle method; it’s much like the triangle method for face-to-face
interactions mentioned above, only with whole persons swapped for the individual’s eyes and
mouth. Imagine an invisible triangle sitting on top of the audience. You make eye contact with a
person on the right side point of the triangle, and then the top point, and then the left point.
Then repeat. To mix it up and keep your pattern from becoming predictable, you invert the
triangle from time to time.
75-300 people. Divide the audience into five imaginary groups, and then move your gaze from
group to group, picking a different person within the group to make eye contact with each time.
300+ people. If it’s a very large audience, then focus your eye contact on people in the first few
rows, while also looking out into the crowd from time to time.
With any of these methods, the key is to move your gaze from person to person very casually and
smoothly. You don’t want it to seem jerky…”You there! Feel the weight of my eyes! And now you!
Now you!”
3 final tips for speeches, regardless of audience size:
Open with eye contact. When you get to the podium or the front of the room, take a few second
to smile and make eye contact with people before you even begin speaking. This starts you off on
the right, connected foot.
Don’t keep your eyes glued on the Powerpoint slides. First, you should take the advice of Alex
Hunter and keep your slides extremely simple and clean. And second, you should be extremely
familiar with what’s on each slide so that you don’t have to keep looking at them and boring the
pants off people by reading the slides to them.
Look at both friendly faces and hostile faces. Don’t just make eye contact with the friendly faces
in the crowd. Look at the hostile, bored faces too. Making eye contact with them could soften
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them up a little for your message. But after looking at a hostile face for a bit, then look at those
who are beaming up at you to keep your enthusiasm from flagging.
Don’t forget to make eye contact with people at the end of the speech. It’s easy to get caught up
in rushing to finish, but the crescendo is when you really want to leave an impact. Be sure to look
into people’s eyes as you close to really drive your message home.
Note: The principles in this series are written for men who live in Western countries. The
importance of eye contact and how to make it can vary from culture to culture.
The Power Of Eye Contact: It's A Myth
Most of us think that when we want to make a point, we should look the other person in the eye.
Spouses, bosses, car salesmen, politicians, all use a direct gaze when they’re trying to convince an
audience of many or one that their position is the most valid. Now it turns out that they should
probably cast their glance in a different direction.
Julia Minson, a psychologist and assistant professor at Harvard’s Kennedy School of Government
who studies group decision making and negotiations, and her longtime collaborator, Frances
Chen, a psychologist and assistant professor at the University of British Columbia, realized that no
one had studied this piece of conventional wisdom—that staring at someone will make the
person more likely to see your point. Until now, most of the academic work has focused on what
Minson calls “lovey-dovey contexts,” like mothers and babies gazing at each other (which
cements their bond) and potential mates meeting one another’s gaze (also enhancing their
connection). But when it comes to persuasion, academics have really only looked at interactions
from the perspective of speakers, who almost always feel they are getting their point across if
they are making eye contact.
In a new paper just published in the journal Psychological Science, Minson and Chen tested the
proposition that eye contact can win over people who disagree with the speaker. In two different
studies (conducted at the University of Freiburg where Chen was doing her post-doctoral work),
their data show that people respond more favorably to opposing arguments when the speaker
looks at an angle to the recipient or focuses his eyes on his counterpart’s mouth instead of his
eyes.
Minson says that she and Chen weren’t totally surprised by their results. Those who study animal
behavior have proved that many species, like dogs, control others by staring them down and then
attacking. “The intuition that drove our research was that when someone disagrees with you and
they look you in the eye in a prolonged, direct manner, it gives you the feeling of someone trying
to dominate you,” says Minson. “Our reaction may be primal.”
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To test their theory, Minson and Chen ran two studies. In the first one, they observed 20 students
watching videos of people making arguments about controversial subjects like quotas for hiring
women, assisted suicide and a nuclear power phase-out. They tested various scenarios, including
instances where the students were pre-disposed to agree with the speaker or to disagree.
Through eye tracking, they measured whether the students were looking at the speakers in the
eye. In some of the videos the speakers stared directly at the camera. In others, they gazed out at
a 45-degree angle. What Minson and Chen found: In cases where the students disagreed with the
speakers’ positions at the outset, direct eye contact made them less likely to change their minds.
“In cases where participants made more eye contact, they were less persuaded,” says Minson.
In a second study, they relied on a bigger sample of 42 students who watched eight videos made
by four students who gazed straight at the camera, with their heads centered against a white
background. Again the speakers discussed controversial subjects like hiring quotas and farming
practices. All of the listeners disagreed with the speakers’ opinions. The professors directed them
either to look directly at the speakers’ eyes or at their mouths. Again Minson and Chen found
that those who looked at the speakers’ eyes, rather than their mouths, were less likely to change
their opinions.
What does this mean for those of us who want to make a point? Minson observes that most
people don’t make consistent eye contact. “Your eyes naturally go back and forth between the
eyes and the mouth,” she notes. “There’s also some time when your eyes just wander around.”
Don’t force yourself to look into the other person’s eyes more than you naturally would, she
advises.
I had one big question about the study: Is a video interaction really the same as in-person
communication? No, says Minson. When people are face to face, there are lots of other things
going on, like body language where a speaker might lean in or respond in other ways to an
attractive or unattractive recipient. At least the video interaction isolates eye contact.
Office Behavior: Eye Contact Is Overrated
Eye contact is almost always considered a good thing. Parents demand it from naughty children;
it’s also advised when you’re fighting with your spouse. A forthright gaze signals trustworthiness.
Richard Nixon wasn’t great at it.
A study published in the latest issue of Psychological Science, however, finds that if you want to
persuade someone to take your side, a direct stare isn’t necessarily helpful. Researchers used
eye-tracking technology to see how often a listener met the eyes of a speaker who took a stance
he disagreed with. Say you work in finance and take issue with a colleague’s valuation of an asset.
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You think it’s worth more; he thinks it’s worth less. You’re more likely to get him closer to your
number if you look at his mouth, not his eyes.
Eye contact is like “Goldilocks and the three bears,” says Carol Kinsey Goman, author of The Silent
Language of Leaders: How Body Language Can Help—or Hurt—How You Lead. Too much is
supercreepy (Goman calls it “a prolonged stalker stare”), and too little makes you seem
unreliable. Instead, aim for “just right”—you know, somewhere between stalker and liar. Meeting
a person for the first time, such as in a job interview, “you can’t go wrong with strong eye
contact,” Goman says. You want to look at him long enough so you can see the color of his eyes.
Just don’t comment on it, stalker.
If you’re having a one-on-one with a familiar co-worker, eye contact depends on context, says
Julia Minson, an assistant professor of public policy at Harvard University’s Kennedy School of
Government and a co-author of the study. “Eye contact from a high-status person to a low-status
person can be seen as very domineering,” Minson says.
It reminds people of a parent or teacher. Dogs stare each other in the eye before they start
fighting for territory. Goman agrees that eye contact from a superior can be overwhelming. In her
anecdotal experience as an executive coach, she’s never heard a manager complain about a
subordinate with an overly intense gaze, but she’s heard workers grouse about the bullying
bosses who stare them down.
In small groups you get the best results from eye contact if you look at someone when he’s
speaking, rather than when you’re speaking. It signals “respect, inclusion, and empathy,” Goman
says.
She even suggests a formula:
Make eye contact 50 percent or less when you’re speaking and 50 percent or more when
someone else is speaking. In bigger groups, lock eyes with key people in the room for a couple of
seconds each while you’re talking. “You don’t want to look up, like the answers are on the
ceiling,” Goman says, because you come across as unprepared. You don’t want to look down,
either, or let your eyes go too quickly around the room, because it looks jerky.
Is there ever a situation when a prolonged, direct gaze is appropriate and even necessary?
Minson gives the example of a hard negotiation, one in which you don’t care if the other person
agrees with or even likes you: “If you just want them to back down, eye contact can be a signal of
dominance.” In our tech-saturated world, where co-workers’ eyes are constantly darting to their
smartphone screens, an intense glare can be a little scary. Remember that the next time you’re
trying to get a colleague to back off or when sparring with an unfriendly dachshund.
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The Role of Eye Contact in Different Cultures Eye contact may be one of the most subtle forms of social interaction, but it should never be
underestimated.
If you are travelling or planning a trip, it is something that you need to be particularly aware of –
as something which is normal social behaviour at home, may not be in another culture.
Western Cultures
The UK, USA, Australia and Western Europe all have fairly similar social expectations of when and
where eye contact is appropriate… which is most of the time!
Eye contact is expected in Western culture, it is a basic essential to a social interaction which
shows a person’s interest and engagement with your conversation.
In Western cultures eyes are considered to show the central point of a person’s focus. So if
somebody doesn’t give any eye contact during a conversation, it may be considered insulting.
Many people would take this to mean that they weren’t interested, and take their wandering
eyes as a sign of their distraction.
In other, more formal, circumstances in Western cultures a lack of eye contact can be seen in
another way. For example, in an interview situation, strong eye contact by the interviewee is
seen as a sign of self-belief, whereas a lack of eye contact is seen as a lack of confidence.
Middle Eastern Cultures
While the many cultures of the Middle Eastern countries can hardly be grouped together, they do
have a few common trends – one of which is their use of eye contact.
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Eye contact is less common, and considered less appropriate than in Western cultures. There are
strict gender rules, whereby women should not make too much eye contact with men as it could
be misconstrued as a romantic interest.
Intense eye contact is often a method used to show sincerity. Long, strong eye contact can mean
‘believe me, I’m telling you the truth’.
Asian Cultures
Asian cultures place great importance on respect. Hierarchies are much more visible in their
society than in Western cultures, and their social behaviors mirror this.
In countries such as China and Japan, eye contact is not considered an essential to social
interaction, instead it is often considered inappropriate. In such an authoritarian culture, it is
believed that subordinates shouldn’t make steady eye contact with their superiors.
For example, students are discouraged from making eye contact with their professors, as it can
be interpreted as a sign of disrespect. Similarly a daughter will point her eyes downwards when
her father is speaking to her, as a sign of politeness and respect.
African and Latin American Cultures
Many African and Latin American cultures, while unique in many ways, remain
strong hierarchical societies. In many circumstances intense eye contact is seen as aggressive,
confrontational and extremely disrespectful.
Eye contact is so subtly ingrained into every culture that it is something which is rarely even
considered before travelling abroad.
Westerner’s use of eye contact could be deemed inappropriate, and even disrespectful, in many
other cultures – so make sure you learn the use of eye contact and body language before you jet
off!
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To Look or Not To Look? : Eye Contact Differences in Different
Cultures
The eyes are an integral part of the face when it comes to observing or conveying non-verbal
information. Each of the seven universal expressions of emotion have some change in or around
the eyes that can lead you to understand what someone might be feeling or thinking.
When travelling, human interaction is inevitable, but depending on where you go, reading
someone’s face for information may not be as easy to do. Since cultural norms guide behavior,
people from different countries may communicate differently. The amount, duration, and
interpretation of eye contact, for instance, will differ depending on where you are.
In the United States and other European countries like Spain, France, and Germany, using direct
eye contact is accepted and considered to be a sign of attentiveness, honesty, confidence, and
respect for what the other is saying. In Native American culture and most Latin-American, Asian,
and African cultures, the opposite is true. Direct eye contact is considered to be impertinent,
confrontational, and aggressive.
Because these cultures follow the tradition of maintaining a social hierarchy, avoiding direct eye
contact is a sign of respect to elders or bosses and is used to maintain harmony among people.
For Muslim countries in the Middle East, direct eye contact is acceptable and considered to be a
sign of sincerity and trustworthiness between people of the same gender. Direct eye contact
between men and women, however, is not advocated and is kept to a minimum if it does occur.
If you are from a country where direct eye contact is normal, you may be offended or confused
when someone is not making eye contact with you while you are speaking to them. Likewise, if
you are from a country that avoids using direct eye contact, you may be taken aback that
someone could be so brazen as to look at you straight in the eyes while you are speaking to them,
especially if they are younger than you, subordinate to you, or are of a different gender.
Being aware of these cultural norms in advance can facilitate communication by allowing people
to accept, adapt, and adjust to each other’s cultural communication style. Knowing a culture’s
norms can also help you sharpen your non-verbal communication skills by teaching you to pick up
on or use different facial or body language cues if you cannot look directly into someone’s eyes.
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Eye Contact in Various Countries
Eye Contact: What Does it Communicate in Various Cultures?
Eye contact may communicate very different things to people of various cultures. What will you
be "saying" by your nonverbal communication when you make eye contact in different cultures?
Certainly, there are many non-verbal cues that have completely different meanings in different
cultures. One of the most important means of nonverbal communication in any culture is eye
contact—or lack thereof. Eye contact—which simply denotes one person looking directly at
another person’s eyes—seems to have strong implications in almost every culture, although what
these implications are vary extensively across the globe!
Eye Contact in the United States
What does eye contact mean in the United States? Here, if you have good eye contact with a
person, it generally signifies that you are interested in the person you are looking at and in what
that person is saying. If you look down or away from a person rather than meeting his or her
gaze, you are considered to be distracted or uninterested in him or her. Also, if you neglect to
make eye contact with a person, you may be thought to lack self-confidence.
On the other hand, a person who makes eye contact with another person is thought to be
confident and bold (and boldness is considered a good trait!) So, in summary, making eye contact
is generally considered a good thing in the United States.
Eye Contact in Western Europe
On the one hand, the European customs of eye contact—especially in such countries as Spain,
France and Germany—tends to be similar to that in the United States. It is considered proper and
polite to maintain almost constant eye contact with another person during a business exchange
or a conversation.
Yet eye contact also has more flirtatious aspects than it does in the U.S. In the U.S., people often
avoid eye contact in crowded impersonal public situations—such as while walking through a busy
downtown or riding public transportation. In a country like France, however, a stranger may feel
quite free to look at someone he is interested in and try to acknowledge his interest by making
eye contact. Therefore, it is important for a visitor to understand the full implications of what he
or she may be implying by returning the eye contact initiated by someone else.
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Eye Contact in the Middle East
Although all Middle Eastern cultures cannot be grouped into one class, they do have similarities
in their rules for the appropriateness of eye culture. Eye contact is much less common and
considered less appropriate in many of these cultures than it is considered in the United States.
Middle Eastern cultures, largely Muslim, have strict rules regarding eye contact between the
sexes; these rules are connected to religious laws about appropriateness. Only a brief moment of
eye contact would be permitted between a man and a woman, if at all.
However, western women traveling in Muslim areas should not expect that no man will attempt
to make eye contact with them. As a matter of fact, their “differentness” may draw attention to
them, and men may try to make eye contact with them. They should be aware, however, that
returning eye contact, will be considered the same as saying, “Yes, I’m interested!” So when in
the Middle East, care should be taken in making eye contact with anyone of the opposite gender.
On the other hand, in many Middle Eastern cultures, intense eye contact between those of the
same gender—especially between men—can mean “I am telling you the truth! I am genuine in
what I say!” Try to observe the eye contact between those of the same gender to see if it is
important to meet someone’s gaze when you want to tell them, “Trust me! I’m sincere!”
Eye Contact in Asia, Latin America and Africa
In many Asian, African and Latin American cultures, extended eye contact can be taken as an
affront or a challenge of authority. It is often considered more polite to have only sporadic or
brief eye contact, especially between people of different social registers (like a student and a
teacher, or a child and his elder relatives). For example, if a Japanese woman avoids looking
someone in the eyes, she is not showing a lack of interest nor is she demonstrating a lack of self-
confidence; instead, she is being polite, respectful and appropriate according to her culture. So in
many of these cultures, you should take care what kind of eye contact you initiate with those
who are your social superiors or who are in authority over you, so that you are not considered
disrespectful or overly bold.
As you can see, it is vital to know what eye contact communicates before you visit a new culture.
Before you travel, you would do well to go to your local public library or bookstore and check out
or browse a book about the culture of the country you plan to visit. Learn how to utilize eye
contact and other body language wisely so that you are perceived as polite, and so that you can
better connect with people in a culture that is foreign to you!
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Business and Social Etiquette - How to Make Eye Contact
Rules About When and How to Make Eye Contact in Different Cultures
Eye Contact Guidelines Are Not Universal
How and when to make eye contact depends entirely on the customs of where you are, who you
are with, and the social setting. For example, some cultures consider making direct eye contact
aggressive, rude, or a show of disrespect. Other cultures, and some religious groups, consider eye
contact between men and women inappropriate and either as threatening or flirtatious. In many
Asian cultures, avoiding eye contact with a member of the opposite sex or a superior is seen as a
show of respect.
However, in the United States and most of Europe, making eye contact is not only seen as
appropriate, but is necessary in establishing yourself as a powerful business professional.
Eye contact is a method of communication. A quick glance sends a different message than a cold
stare - but both are forms of making eye contact. Depending upon the culture, setting and
person, the message you think you are sending may not be the one that is received.
How to Effectively Communicate by Making The Right Eye Contact
In business, and social settings making the "right" eye contact never involves staring at someone
or having a fixed gaze. To make eye contact, look directly into the other persons' eyes for 4-5
seconds. Be sure to blink normally, and nod or shift your head from time to time during a
conversation. Mimicking the facial expressions of the person talking (i.e., showing concern or
smiling) also helps to support appropriate eye contact. A frozen stance and tense face seems
more like staring than contact.
Almost universally, looking into someone elses' eyes for more than a few seconds before smiling
or otherwise changing your facial expression. Blinking fast and frequently can be associated with
feeling nervous or uncomfortable; be sure to gauge your own blink rate and watch how the
person you are looking at is responding.
Making Eye Contact in the United States
In the United States, making eye contact is interpreted as showing interest, paying attention, and
a sign of self-confidence. Unless the situation itself is confrontational in nature, it is generally
acceptable for children, adults, and people of both sexes to make eye contact with other people.
In business, it is particularly important that you make eye contact when you are introduced to
someone and when they are speaking to you. You do not have to stare someone down, but
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frequently glancing away or refusing to make eye contact may be interpreted as weakness,
disinterest, or as being disrespectful.
Making Eye Contact in European Countries
Most European eye contact customs are similar to those in the United States, specially in such
countries as Spain, France and Germany. In France, making eye contact with a stranger may be
interpreted as showing interest.
Eye Contact in Most Asian, African and Latin American Cultures
Extended eye contact can be taken as an affront or a challenge of authority.
Generally, only sporadic or brief eye contact is considered acceptable. This is particularly true in
Asian cultures where people are from different professions or social levels. For example, in China
and Japan, children show respect to elders by not making intense eye contact; employees would
not make eye contact with employers; students would not force eye contact with teachers, etc.
These cultures do not view avoiding looking someone in the eyes as rude or disinterested, or
even as necessarily being submissive. Instead, avoiding eye contact is usually interpreted as being
simply being polite or reverent.
The rule of thumb in Asia, Africa, and Latin American cultures is to be careful about the eye
contact you make with anyone that could be seen as a social (or workplace) superior. Staring at a
superior will be seen as a challenge or as a sign of disrespect.
Eye Contact Etiquette in Middle Eastern Cultures
In general, Middle Eastern cultures, particularly among Muslims, do not see as direct eye contact
between the sexes as being appropriate. Business women traveling to the Middle East may draw
attention simply for being different and some men may try to make eye contact. However, be
advised that making or holding eye contact can communicate the message that your interest is
less than casual or curious.
If you are doing business with another woman, intense eye contact within your own gender is
often used to stress the truthfulness of a point and is considered acceptable.
I hope I helped!
Kind regards,
Ludwig Eckl
Innovative Imaging Concepts Inc.
Advanced Image Concepts
www.Innovative-Imaging.net www.Advanced-Image-Concepts.com
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