Write tighterstc twincitiesworkshop

Write Tight (er)

Marcia Riefer Johnston@MarciaRJohnston

Sept. 9, 2014

A Fast, Pain-Free Technique for Creating Concise, Compelling,

Less-Costly Copy

@MarciaRJohnston Write Tight(er) HowToWriteEverything.com



What does conciseness mean (and not mean)?



How much difference can conciseness make?




How does conciseness help me sell?





How can I write more concisely?



Fast, !pain-free technique










WORKSHOP







WORKSHOP

Three-minute (mock) video




Minimalism



Concise means “minimal.”


Concise means “minimal.”Not short.



“Cut me a short string.”



“Cut me a short string.” Huh?



“Cut me a short string.” Huh?



“Cut me a short string.”

Make text (like string) as long as needed.

Huh?


Make text, like string, as long as needed. @MarciaRJohnston




Not robospeak.



Not robospeak.



Not robospeak.

Push button.



Not robospeak.

Push button. Push the button.



Not robospeak.

Keep the the.

Push button. Push the button.





Not gutted for mobile.







Don’t think, “Smartphone users won’t need that.”




They will.





They will.




Example


Example


No discussion board?

Example



No calendar?

Example


Concise ≠!Gutted


No calendar?

Example


Minimal.


Minimal.

Enough to meet your audiences’ needs


Minimal.


Enough to accomplish your purpose


Minimal.



No more


Minimal.



No more No less


Write Tight(er): A Fast, Pain-Free

Technique for Creating Concise, Compelling,

Less-Costly Copy


Audience needs:!“What’s in it for me?”



Less-Costly Copy



My purpose:!Get you here



Less-Costly Copy


No more





Less-Costly Copy


No more No less





Less-Costly Copy










“Measured usability was dramatically higher for the concise version [of the website]—58% better.”!!

Nielsen Norman Group!www.nngroup.com/articles/

how-users-read-on-the-web




Small screens



Small screens

Translation costs



Small screens

Translation costs

Readability



Small screens

Translation costs

Readability

Think !usability, engagement.




Write Tight (er)


“But I already write concisely.”This is your toothbrush when it’s new. The blue bristles are blue all the way to their tips.

This is your toothbrush when it’s ready to replace. The blue bristles have turned half white.


Readers want this.


Especially if you translate.

Philips Sonicare™ toothbrush


“But my stuff isn’t translated.”


“But my stuff isn’t translated.”

Get ready!


How much can a word cost?


You may be needing a loan.




How much can a word cost?words6



How much can a word cost?words6




You may need a loan.

words6





words6

5 words





words6

5 words





words6

5 words

1 word





words6

5 words

1 word




Translation cost (or savings):


words6

5 words

1 word






words6

5 words

1 word






words6

5 words

1 word

1 sentence, 1 language





$ 0.25


words6

5 words

1 word






$ 0.25


words6

5 words

1 word

10,000 sentences,* 1 language






$ 0.25

* the size of a Harry Potter novel


words6

5 words

1 word







$ 0.25


$ 2,500.00


words6

5 words

1 word







$ 0.25


$ 2,500.00


words6

5 words

1 word

10,000 sentences,* 25 languages







$ 0.25


$ 2,500.00

$ 62,500.00


words6

5 words

1 word








$ 0.25


$ 2,500.00

$ 62,500.00


words6

5 words

1 word






a word? How so?


a word? How so?

Close enough


a word? How so?

Close enough

Varies with the language


a word? How so?

Close enough


Depends on the translation memory (database)


a word? How so?

Close enough


Depends on the translation memory (database) unrecognized word


a word? How so?

Close enough


Depends on the translation memory (database) unrecognized word

Full price


a word? How so?

Close enough


Depends on the translation memory (database) unrecognized word “fuzzy” match Full price


a word? How so?

Close enough


Depends on the translation memory (database) unrecognized word “fuzzy” match Full price

Pay less


a word? How so?

Close enough


Depends on the translation memory (database) unrecognized word “fuzzy” match “perfect” match

Full price

Pay less


a word? How so?

Close enough


Depends on the translation memory (database) unrecognized word “fuzzy” match “perfect” match

You still pay!

Full price

Pay less


Whether or not you translate,



whatever size your page or screen,



whatever size your page or screen,

you owe it to yourself to ask …


How can I write!more concisely?


Dump these words!*


Dump these words!**unless you need them





weak be-verbs (is, was, were, will be, have been, am, are)




weak be-verbs (is, was, were, will be, have been, am, are)-ly words (& other vapid adverbs)




weak be-verbs (is, was, were, will be, have been, am, are)-ly words (& other vapid adverbs)very, such, so (& other empty intensifiers)




weak be-verbs (is, was, were, will be, have been, am, are)-ly words (& other vapid adverbs)very, such, so (& other empty intensifiers)not, no (& other negative words)




weak be-verbs (is, was, were, will be, have been, am, are)-ly words (& other vapid adverbs)very, such, so (& other empty intensifiers)not, no (& other negative words)the fact that




weak be-verbs (is, was, were, will be, have been, am, are)-ly words (& other vapid adverbs)very, such, so (& other empty intensifiers)not, no (& other negative words)the fact thatjust




weak be-verbs (is, was, were, will be, have been, am, are)-ly words (& other vapid adverbs)very, such, so (& other empty intensifiers)not, no (& other negative words)the fact thatjustbegin to, try to, tend to, in order to




weak be-verbs (is, was, were, will be, have been, am, are)-ly words (& other vapid adverbs)very, such, so (& other empty intensifiers)not, no (& other negative words)the fact thatjustbegin to, try to, tend to, in order toperiod of time




weak be-verbs (is, was, were, will be, have been, am, are)-ly words (& other vapid adverbs)very, such, so (& other empty intensifiers)not, no (& other negative words)the fact thatjustbegin to, try to, tend to, in order toperiod of time in light of, in spite of, in terms of (& of in general)




weak be-verbs (is, was, were, will be, have been, am, are)-ly words (& other vapid adverbs)very, such, so (& other empty intensifiers)not, no (& other negative words)the fact thatjustbegin to, try to, tend to, in order toperiod of time in light of, in spite of, in terms of (& of in general)proverbial




weak be-verbs (is, was, were, will be, have been, am, are)-ly words (& other vapid adverbs)very, such, so (& other empty intensifiers)not, no (& other negative words)the fact thatjustbegin to, try to, tend to, in order toperiod of time in light of, in spite of, in terms of (& of in general)proverbialdifferent (as in many different, 36 different)




weak be-verbs (is, was, were, will be, have been, am, are)-ly words (& other vapid adverbs)very, such, so (& other empty intensifiers)not, no (& other negative words)the fact thatjustbegin to, try to, tend to, in order toperiod of time in light of, in spite of, in terms of (& of in general)proverbialdifferent (as in many different, 36 different)particular




weak be-verbs (is, was, were, will be, have been, am, are)-ly words (& other vapid adverbs)very, such, so (& other empty intensifiers)not, no (& other negative words)the fact thatjustbegin to, try to, tend to, in order toperiod of time in light of, in spite of, in terms of (& of in general)proverbialdifferent (as in many different, 36 different)particularverbiage




weak be-verbs (is, was, were, will be, have been, am, are)-ly words (& other vapid adverbs)very, such, so (& other empty intensifiers)not, no (& other negative words)the fact thatjustbegin to, try to, tend to, in order toperiod of time in light of, in spite of, in terms of (& of in general)proverbialdifferent (as in many different, 36 different)particularverbiageany other verbiage or unneeded words that you can pitch
















be-verbs


be

be-verbs


isbe

be-verbs


isbe

are be-verbs


isbe

am

are be-verbs


isbe

wasam

are be-verbs


isbe

has beenwasam

are be-verbs


isbe

will be

has beenwasam

are be-verbs


isbe will have

been being

will be

has beenwasam

are be-verbs


be-verb. Any form of the verb to be—namely, am, are, be, been, being, is, was, and were—whether used as an auxiliary verb or as a main verb.

—Bryan Garner!Garner’s Modern American Usage


Start seeing be-verbs! @MarciaRJohnston




See be-verbs.


See be-verbs.


See be-verbs.


See be-verbs.


Now available

Start seeing be-verbs.HowToWriteEverything.com


Start seeing be-verbs.HowToWriteEverything.com


Barbara Beresford, Minneapolis


Examples


“Bias tape has the advantage of being able to be applied smoothly around curves as well as straight.”










The fix might not be self-evident.





You have to think.



You have to think.

(Not too painful.)







“A scheme of which every part promises delight can never be successful.”

—Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice


“A scheme of which every part promises delight can never be successful.”

—Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice




Audit logs are proof that no data breach !has occurred.


Audit logs are proof that no data breach !has occurred.


Our team wants to be predictive.





What does the team

want to do?

42

Skydiving was fun.

42

Skydiving was fun.

42

Skydiving was fun.

What happened?

43

Use be-verbs when they serve a purpose.



what?


is


“Write when there is something that you know; and not before; and not too damned much after.”!

—Ernest Hemingway, Death in the Afternoon


“Write when there is something that you know; and not before; and not too damned much after.”!

—Ernest Hemingway, Death in the Afternoon


www.hemingwayapp.com








What it is is…


“What was found was that access points on maps were not reflective or accurate for where they are.”


“What was found was that access points on maps were not reflective or accurate for where they are.”


“ There are known knowns. These are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns. That is to say, there are things

that we know we don’t know. But there are also unknown unknowns. There are things

we don’t know we don’t know.”!(attributed to a one-time US secretary of defense)









We don’t know diddly—





We don’t know diddly—except to avoid (most) be-verbs.


Be-verbs are everywhere. See? @MarciaRJohnston


Be-verbs are everywhere. See? @MarciaRJohnston



See be-verbs.








-ly words (& other vapid adverbs)


Jane fully expects a big publisher to snap up her first novel.


Jane fully expects a big publisher to snap up her first novel.


We hope that people will actively participate.


We hope that people will actively participate.


Please listen carefully to the following choices so that we can immediately direct your call to the appropriate person.






Mahatma Gandhi truly changed the world.


Mahatma Gandhi truly changed the world.

@MarciaRJohnston Write Tight(er) HowToWriteEverything.comHowToWriteEverything.com @MarciaRJohnston

weak be-verbs (is, was, were, will be, have been, am, are)!-ly words (& other vapid adverbs)!


@MarciaRJohnston Write Tight(er) HowToWriteEverything.comHowToWriteEverything.com @MarciaRJohnston

weak be-verbs (is, was, were, will be, have been, am, are)!-ly words (& other vapid adverbs)!


very, such, so (& other empty intensifiers)


Fred likes his toast very dry.





Fred likes his toast so dry.







Fred likes such dry toast.




Fred likes such dry toast.


Exception:the doge meme








weak be-verbs (is, was, were, will be, have been, am, are)!-ly words (& other vapid adverbs)!very, such, so (& other empty intensifiers)!



weak be-verbs (is, was, were, will be, have been, am, are)!-ly words (& other vapid adverbs)!very, such, so (& other empty intensifiers)!


not, no (& other negative words)


Do not use negative phrasing.


Do not use negative phrasing.


If you want viewers to focus on something, do not show faces looking away from it.

(This image is from an eye-tracking study by James Breeze!as cited in Garr Reynolds’s book Presentation Zen.)


If you want viewers to focus on something, do not show faces looking away from it.

(This image is from an eye-tracking study by James Breeze!as cited in Garr Reynolds’s book Presentation Zen.)


The Oregon Ducks have not lost a “Civil War” game to their archrivals, the Beavers, in seven years.








weak be-verbs (is, was, were, will be, have been, am, are)!-ly words (& other vapid adverbs)!very, such, so (& other empty intensifiers)!not, no (& other negative words)!



weak be-verbs (is, was, were, will be, have been, am, are)!-ly words (& other vapid adverbs)!very, such, so (& other empty intensifiers)!not, no (& other negative words)!


the fact that


Given the fact that Joan understood topic-based writing, everyone went to her with questions.

Concept Task Reference


Given the fact that Joan understood topic-based writing, everyone went to her with questions.

Concept Task Reference


weak be-verbs (is, was, were, will be, have been, am, are)!-ly words (& other vapid adverbs)!very, such, so (& other empty intensifiers)!not, no (& other negative words)!the fact that!



weak be-verbs (is, was, were, will be, have been, am, are)!-ly words (& other vapid adverbs)!very, such, so (& other empty intensifiers)!not, no (& other negative words)!the fact that!


just


It's just that I just say just a lot. I just have the habit, so it’s just hard to stop saying it.


It's just that I just say just a lot. I just have the habit, so it’s just hard to stop saying it.


weak be-verbs (is, was, were, will be, have been, am, are)!-ly words (& other vapid adverbs)!very, such, so (& other empty intensifiers)!not, no (& other negative words)!the fact that!just!



weak be-verbs (is, was, were, will be, have been, am, are)!-ly words (& other vapid adverbs)!very, such, so (& other empty intensifiers)!not, no (& other negative words)!the fact that!just!


begin to, try to, tend to, in order to


Michael Noer handed the six-year-old the tablet. With no instruction, and never having seen a computer, the boy began to swipe the screen, launch apps, and play a pinball game.


Michael Noer handed the six-year-old the tablet. With no instruction, and never having seen a computer, the boy began to swipe the screen, launch apps, and play a pinball game.


Try to focus on breathing.


Try to focus on breathing.


“Stop trying to hit me, and hit me.”!—Morpheus to Neo


“Stop trying to hit me, and hit me.”!—Morpheus to Neo


“Do or do not. There is no try.”!

—Yoda


“Do or do not. There is no try.”!

—Yoda


“When our tools don’t work, we tend to blame ourselves for being too stupid or not reading the manual or having too fat fingers.”!

—Lev Grossman, Time


“When our tools don’t work, we tend to blame ourselves for being too stupid or not reading the manual or having too fat fingers.”!

—Lev Grossman, Time


In order to divert 34,000 tons of food scraps from landfills, Portland created a curbside-pickup program for compostable waste.


In order to divert 34,000 tons of food scraps from landfills, Portland created a curbside-pickup program for compostable waste.


weak be-verbs (is, was, were, will be, have been, am, are)!-ly words (& other vapid adverbs)!very, such, so (& other empty intensifiers)!not, no (& other negative words)!the fact that!just!begin to, try to, tend to, in order to



weak be-verbs (is, was, were, will be, have been, am, are)!-ly words (& other vapid adverbs)!very, such, so (& other empty intensifiers)!not, no (& other negative words)!the fact that!just!begin to, try to, tend to, in order to


period of time


Jones and Caruthers have worked here for a long period of time.

Sketch by Brian Poulsen. Used with permission.


Jones and Caruthers have worked here for a long period of time.

Sketch by Brian Poulsen. Used with permission.


weak be-verbs (is, was, were, will be, have been, am, are)!-ly words (& other vapid adverbs)!very, such, so (& other empty intensifiers)!not, no (& other negative words)!the fact that!just!begin to, try to, tend to, in order to!period of time



weak be-verbs (is, was, were, will be, have been, am, are)!-ly words (& other vapid adverbs)!very, such, so (& other empty intensifiers)!not, no (& other negative words)!the fact that!just!begin to, try to, tend to, in order to!period of time


in light of, in spite of, in terms of (& of in general)


In light of my lack of cash, we stopped at an ATM.





Since…



In spite of his poor health, Samuel attended his niece’s graduation.

Since…




Since…




Since…

Despite…




I prefer that TV in terms of cost.

Since…

Despite…





Since…

Despite…





Since…

Despite…

…that cheaper TV.


“The word of is, in anything other than small doses, among the surest indications of flabby writing.”!









weak be-verbs (is, was, were, will be, have been, am, are)!-ly words (& other vapid adverbs)!very, such, so (& other empty intensifiers)!not, no (& other negative words)!the fact that!just!begin to, try to, tend to, in order to!period of time!in light of, in spite of, in terms of (& of in general)



weak be-verbs (is, was, were, will be, have been, am, are)!-ly words (& other vapid adverbs)!very, such, so (& other empty intensifiers)!not, no (& other negative words)!the fact that!just!begin to, try to, tend to, in order to!period of time!in light of, in spite of, in terms of (& of in general)


proverbial


The proverbial needle in the haystack






weak be-verbs (is, was, were, will be, have been, am, are)!-ly words (& other vapid adverbs)!very, such, so (& other empty intensifiers)!not, no (& other negative words)!the fact that!just!begin to, try to, tend to, in order to!period of time!in light of, in spite of, in terms of (& of in general)!proverbial



weak be-verbs (is, was, were, will be, have been, am, are)!-ly words (& other vapid adverbs)!very, such, so (& other empty intensifiers)!not, no (& other negative words)!the fact that!just!begin to, try to, tend to, in order to!period of time!in light of, in spite of, in terms of (& of in general)!proverbial


different (as in many different, 36 different)


Our company understands the pros and cons of all these different technologies.


Our company understands the pros and cons of all these different technologies.


Steve Jobs’s name appears on 212 different Apple patents.


Steve Jobs’s name appears on 212 different Apple patents.


weak be-verbs (is, was, were, will be, have been, am, are)!-ly words (& other vapid adverbs)!very, such, so (& other empty intensifiers)!not, no (& other negative words)!the fact that!just!begin to, try to, tend to, in order to!period of time!in light of, in spite of, in terms of (& of in general)!proverbial!different (as in many different, 36 different)



weak be-verbs (is, was, were, will be, have been, am, are)!-ly words (& other vapid adverbs)!very, such, so (& other empty intensifiers)!not, no (& other negative words)!the fact that!just!begin to, try to, tend to, in order to!period of time!in light of, in spite of, in terms of (& of in general)!proverbial!different (as in many different, 36 different)


particular


Google’s CEO, Eric Schmidt, has a particular belief that Android’s open platform leads to more options and more consumer choice.


Google’s CEO, Eric Schmidt, has a particular belief that Android’s open platform leads to more options and more consumer choice.


While Lady Gaga’s particular sense of style puzzles many, millions of fans say that her affirming theme of bravery and kindness has changed their lives.


While Lady Gaga’s particular sense of style puzzles many, millions of fans say that her affirming theme of bravery and kindness has changed their lives.


weak be-verbs (is, was, were, will be, have been, am, are)!-ly words (& other vapid adverbs)!very, such, so (& other empty intensifiers)!not, no (& other negative words)!the fact that!just!begin to, try to, tend to, in order to!period of time!in light of, in spite of, in terms of (& of in general)!proverbial!different (as in many different, 36 different)!particular



weak be-verbs (is, was, were, will be, have been, am, are)!-ly words (& other vapid adverbs)!very, such, so (& other empty intensifiers)!not, no (& other negative words)!the fact that!just!begin to, try to, tend to, in order to!period of time!in light of, in spite of, in terms of (& of in general)!proverbial!different (as in many different, 36 different)!particular


verbiage


We’ll throw some verbiage in there.


We’ll throw some verbiage in there.




Want to make this technique even faster?




Try this.


This is your toothbrush when it’s new. The blue bristles are blue all the way to their tips.











Bet you didn’t miss the headline I deleted.


It’s mind-boggling to consider !what TIGHTENING that !

dramatic would do to!IMPROVES KEYWORD DENSITY.











Adjectives • absolutely certain, absolutely essential, absolutely

guaranteed, completely necessary, totally sure!• bald-headed!• best ever, first ever!• blue in color, few in number, long in duration, nubbly in

texture, round in shape, slovenly in appearance, short in height, slow in speed, small in size, tall in stature!

• booked solid!• exact same, same exact, same identical!• filled to capacity!• incredible to believe, visible to the eye, warm to the touch


Nouns • actual experience, actual fact!• added bonus!• advance notice, advance planning, advance preview,

advance reservations, advance warning!• all-time favorite, all-time record!• alternative choice!• anonymous stranger!• annual anniversary!• armed gunman!• artificial prosthesis!• autobiography of her own life, biography of his life


Nouns • actual experience, actual fact!• added bonus!• advance notice, advance planning, advance preview,

advance reservations, advance warning!• all-time favorite, all-time record!• alternative choice!• anonymous stranger!• annual anniversary!• armed gunman!• artificial prosthesis!• autobiography of her own life, biography of his life

And that’s just!the a’s.


Verbs • add an additional!• aid and abet, cease and desist, pick and choose!• allow you to be able to!• always include!• ask the question!• assemble together, attach together, blend together,

collaborate together, combine together, confer together, connect together, cooperate together, fuse together, gather together, join together, integrate together, meet together, merge together, mingle together, mix together, pool together, share together, splice together


Odds and Ends

• 6 a.m. in the morning, 10 p.m. in the evening, twelve noon, twelve midnight

• and etc.

• ATM machine, GOP party, GRE exam, HIV virus, ISBN number, LCD display, PIN number, RAM memory, UPC code—and my favorite: Please RSVP


www.HowToWriteEverything.com/Annals-of-Redundancy-Annals/

More on redundancy …



















Or… “Unleash your creativity.”





Savings: 79%



YOUR!WORDS!


weak be-verbs (is, was, were, will be, have been, am, are)!-ly words (& other vapid adverbs)!very, such, so (& other empty intensifiers)!not, no (& other negative words)!the fact that!just!begin to, try to, tend to, in order to!period of time!in light of, in spite of, in terms of (& of in general)!proverbial!different (as in many different, 36 different)!particular!verbiage!any other verbiage or unneeded words that you can pitch



Word count

Cost to translate into 1 language 25 languages

x 10,000 sentences

(Harry Potter novel)

BEFORE Your original text here with more words than you need. 10 $2.50 $62.50 $625,000.00

AFTER Your tighter text here. 4 $1.00 $25.00 $250,000.00

Savings 60% $1.50 $37.50 $375,000.00

Spreadsheet available on request.


Story time


Story time

Water dispenser


Story time

Water dispenser

Buttons


Story time

Water dispenser

Buttons

Quick reference



Concise = good!... right?


Ready for a video?


Ready for a video?(You’ll have to pretend.)


Hey, Rick, would you bring me a glass of room-temperature water?



Rick!(Smart guy!)



GlassRick!(Smart guy!)




Instructions




Instructions Button




Instructions Button Water



DumpGlassRick!(Smart guy!)






Read again





Read again Exasperation





Read again Exasperation Try again





Read again Exasperation Try again Try again



Dump again



Read again Exasperation Try again Try again



Dump again



Read again Exasperation Try again Try again Try again




If conciseness doesn’t fix it, change what you’re saying. @MarciaRJohnston



For more on concise writing !and much, much more







powerful



powerful



“I’ve longed for a book on writing to recommend to clients and colleagues … and this is it!”—Kristina Halvorson

powerful



Think this is small?









Presentations & Public Speaking

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