The Power of Active Listening

المقصودAl-Maqsûd

Islamic Life Skills Training

Advanced Islamic Life Skills

COMMUNICATING

EFFECTIVELY

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Communicating Effectively

Session 1- Power of Listening31st August 2014

Session 2- Power of Speaking28th September 2014

Session 3- Conflict Resolution30th November 2014

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Power of Active Listening

Session 1

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How we Communicate

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Reading

Writing

Listening

Speaking

Not taught

in schools



Exercise 1

Watch the video

Why is there poor communication here?

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Islamic Life Skills Training6

A guide to effective communcation

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JwjAAgGi-90

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YuZDbbz_6xY

Monty Python Quest for the Holy Grails Poor Communication

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JwjAAgGi-90

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YuZDbbz_6xY



Negative assumptions- Barriers

• Jumping to conclusions

– Finishing peoples sentences

– Interrupting before completion of someone’s message

– Tuning out as soon as a person starts talking

– Dismissing new idea before hearing rationale

• Focussing on intentions

• Thinking you know best

• Stereotyping

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Senders Receivers

Abstract/ concrete

Barriers



. كان رسول اهلل صىل اهلل عليه وسلم يقبل بوجهه عىل أشر القوم: عمرو بن العاص رضي اهلل عنه قالفكان يقبل بوجهه وحديثه علي حىت ظننت أين خري القوم فقلت يا رسول اهلل أنا خري أو أبوبكر؟

فقلت يا رسول اهلل أنا خري أو عثمان؟ . فقلت يارسول اهلل أنا خري أو عمر؟ فقال عمر.. قال أبو بكرفلما سألت رسول اهلل صىل اهلل عليه وسلم فصدقين فلوددت أين لم أكن سألته. قال عثمان

'Amr ibn al-'Aas Radiyallahu 'Anhu reports: "(Rasulullah Sallallahu 'Alayhi Wasallam) gave attention, spoke and showed love to the worst person of a nation. So that, the person may feel he is being given special attention. He

used to give attention, and spoke to me also in a manner, that I began to feel that I was the best among the community.

(Therefore one day) I asked: 'O Messenger of Allah, am I better or is Abubakr better?' He replied: 'Abubakr'. I then asked: 'Am I better, or 'Umar?' He replied.

"Umar'. I asked: 'Am I better or 'Uthmaan?' He replied: 'Uthmaan'.When I asked him these questions, Rasulullah Sallallahu 'Alayhi Wasallam told me the

truth. (He did not tell me I was better to keep me happy. Afterwards I felt ashamed of myself on this deed). I felt I should not have asked such a

question". [Shamaa’il Tirmidhi]



Impact of Listening

Accentuates the positives

How do you feel when someone

really listens to you:

• Respected

• Care for

• Supported

• Rewarded

• Satisfied

• Sense of achievement

What are the benefits

• Increased productivity

• Stronger quality relationship

• More satisfaction

• More interest

• Better problem solving

• Better co-operation and

teamwork

• Less stress

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Gain a lot when you listen effectively- Lose a lot when you don’t-

VERY POWERFUL



Impact of Listening

Minimises the Negatives

How do you feel when someone

does not listen to you:

• Disrespected

• Not Cared for

• unsupported

• unrewarded

• unsatisfied

• Sense of on-achievement

What are the harms

• Decreased productivity/

efficiency

• Poor relationship

• dissatisfaction

• Loss of interest

• Poor problem solving

• Poor co-operation and

teamwork

• More stress

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Poor listening can be costly



Exercise 2

What kind of listener are you?

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Al-Maqsud Listening Style Inventory

1. Answer questions 1-12

2. Circle A to E- whichever most applies to

you

3. Now score yourself

1. A=5; B=4; C=3; D=2; E=1

4. Add up your total score

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What’s your listening style?

• Passive Listening [<29]

– Eye contact

– Expressionless face

– Occasional nods

– Occasional verbal

acknowledgement (uh, huh)

• Selective Listening [39-30]

– Looks of disinterest

– Looks away – at watch, papers

– Sits quietly

– Reacts with emotion- defensive/

debating

– Jumps in/ takes over

– Changes subject

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How you Listen! • Attentive listening [44-40]

– Steady eye contact

– Shows interest (facial

expressions)

– Nodding

– Provide simple verbal

acknowledgement ( I see, ok, yes)

– Raise question to draw message

• Active Listening

(responsive/ reflective

listening) [50-45]– Show patience

– Give verbal feedback to summarise

understanding

– Acknowledge emotion to fully

understand speaker

– Exploring reason for emotion

– Speaking up when not clear

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Senders Receivers

Barrier

Aggressive speaking

Non-assertive speaking

Passive- Aggressive speaking

Assertive speaking

Passive Listening

Selective Listening

Attentive Listening

Active Listening



Ineffective patterns of Listening

– Attentive listener takes out the facts from the emotion

only- doesn’t cope with emotion (thinks understanding

has been achieved)

– Active listener- takes facts and emotion= whole

message (knows that understanding has been

achieved)

• Speaker speaks to a speaker (not listener)

Facts + Emotion =Meaning of

message



Making Active Listening Work

• Hold off assumptions (hear the whole

message)

• Avoid being quick on advice

• Exercise patience

• Eliminate Distractions/ physical barriers

• Be respectful- don’t pass judgement

• Shift Attention on to speaker- not to what

you are going to say

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Abu Hurayrah (ra) narrates that the Messenger of Allah (blessings and

peace of Allah be upon him) said: “Beware of suspicion, for suspicion is

the falsest of speech. Do not seek out one another’s faults; do not spy

on one another; do not compete with one another; do not envy one

another; do not hate one another; do not turn away from one another.

Be, O slaves of Allah, brothers.”

(Bukhari, Muslim)

Ja‘far ibn Muhammad (ra) said: If you hear something about your

brother that you dislike, then look for excuses for him, from one to

seventy excuses; if you find an excuse for him (all well and good),

otherwise say: Perhaps he has an excuse that I do not know of.

(Al-Bayhaqi in his al-Shu’bat al-Imaan)



Solution to assumptions

• Deal with each as individual

• Listen first- check understanding

• Avoid generalisations

• Communicate first, act second

• Make safest assumption first- assume

other person means well

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BREAK

10 minutes

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Guidelines for Communication

The Holy Qur’an

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وا من ا غليظ القلب لنفض لنت لهم ولو كنت فظ ن الل فبما رحمة م واستغفر لهم وشاورهم ف المر فإذا عزمت فتوكل حولك فاعف عهن

يحب المتوكلني إن الل عىل الل

So by mercy from Allah , [O Muhammad], you were lenient with them. And if you had been rude [in speech] and harsh in heart, they would have disbanded from about you. So pardon them and ask forgiveness for them and consult them in the matter. And when you have decided, then rely upon Allah . Indeed, Allah loves those who rely [upon Him].

Surat 'Āli `Imrān: 159



Three stages of Listening

Process

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1. Receiving

2. Processing

3. Responding

Receiving- sensory organs

Processing- analysing, evaluating, synthesizing-

meaning- effected by emotion/ concentration-

speaker cannot see/ hear this

Responding- verbal/non-verbal



لنت لهم ن الل فبما رحمة ما غليظ القلب لو كنت فظوا من حولك لنفض

وفاعف عهن واستغفر لهم وشاورهم ف المر

فإذا عزمت فتوكل عىل الل

يحب المتوكلني إن الل

So by mercy from Allah , you were lenient with them

And if you had been rude [in speech] and harsh in heart, they would have disbanded from about you

So pardon them

and ask forgiveness for them

and consult them in the matter

And when you have decided, then rely upon Allah

Indeed, Allah loves those who rely [upon Him].

HUMILITY

SELF RESTRAINT IN EMOTION/ PATIENCE

ABANDON ASSUMPTION

BE GENUINE

ACTIVE RESPONSESSHARING/ VERIFYING

MAKE FINAL JUDGEMENTWITHOUT TRANSGRESSING

NOT TO TRANSGRESS IS REWARDING

Receiving

Processing

Responding

Outcome

Listening is Act of Worship- Active Listening



BeliefsValues

Perceptions

Thoughts / expectations

Emotions

Behaviours and Actions

Change

Manage

Develop

Shift

What others don’t seeBut can deduce





Radar on

Speaker

Active

Listening

Toolkit

The Magic

Ingredient



3 Skills to Attain

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ON

E Radar on Speaker T

WO Active

Listening Toolkit TH

RE

E The Magic Ingredient



1. Radar on speaker• Capturing whole message

– Words

– Tone

– Body language- gesture, eye contact, facial expression, posture

• Giving speaker full attention

– Giving yourself to speaker• Steady eye contact

• Sincere facial expression

• Open receptive body language

• Encouraging- non-judgemental tones

• Avoid bad habits in listening – Poor eye contact- looking away/ locking in, rolling eyes

– Unfavourable Facial expression – frown, smirk, raising eyebrow, blank look

– Unwelcoming posture- slouching, being closed

– Excessive movement- fidgeting, squirming- not sitting still. , pulling on self ie beard

– Ineffective placement- distant, facing away, preoccupied

– Uninviting tone of voice- harsh reactive tone, biting sarcasm, monotone

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2a. Active listening Tools• TOOL 1- Drawing out speakers message

– Listener helps speaker express content of message

• Letting speaker in:

– Door openers (non-verbal)

» Head nodding

» Smile appropriately

» Show look of interest/ concern

» Turning/ facing/ leaning towards speaker

» Steady eye contact

– Door openers (verbal)

» Hum, right, yes, I see (tone)

• Echoing– Repeat key word

– Wait after echo

• Probing

– Open-ended questions (what, how, why, explain, describe, elaborate, give, tell)

• Checking subject:

– You’re referring to

– Repositioning speaker

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2b. Active listening Tools• TOOL 2- Verify understanding of message

– Capturing emotions [ …sound like you’re excited]

– Paraphrasing […in other words]

– Reflective paraphrasing [ …you’re feeling…because of…. Is that right?] • Avoid “I know how you feel”

• Do not make it “I” focussed- but “you” focussed

• Does not check others emotion if “I” focussed

• No emotion expressed from you if “I” focussed

– Sharing examples • Conditions:

– Hear the whole story

– Give relevant example

– Deliver it well

» Connecting statement from speaker to you- [your situation sounds like...]

» Tell your story briefly only

» Connecting statement back to speaker [like you experienced…right?]-

speaker focus

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Summary of active listening tools

1. “you” focussed vs “I” focussed

2. Drawing out vs telling / reporting

3. Receiving/ non-judgemental vs

expressing opinions

4. Less said vs more said

5. Gain meaning vs express meaning

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When he (Messenger of Allah SAW) addressed

someone, he turned his entire body. The Prophet,

peace and blessings be upon him, looked at the

ground more than he looked up due to the power of

his gaze. He didn’t maintain his stare at people, due

to the strength of his gaze.

(Shamaa’il Tirmidhi)



The Prophet paid equal attention to everyone. People came to

him with all kinds of problems. He took full interest in the

personal problems of people. Sometimes old women and

slaves stopped him on his way to discuss something. He

stopped and patiently listened to them. When the conversation

was long he would sit on one side of the street to give them

sufficient time. He listened to everyone patiently and would not

be the first person to leave.

In assembly, when the Prophet (saw) spoke, everyone calmly

and respectfully listened to him. He turned his face in different

directions to pay attention to everyone. When someone else

spoke to him, he heard him patiently




Imaam Hasan Radiyallahu 'Anhu says, (my younger brother) Husayn said: "I

asked my father (Sayyidina 'Ali Radiyallahu 'Anhu) about the conduct of

Rasulullah Sallallahu 'Alayhi Wasallam in his assemblies' He replied.. 'Rasulullah

Sallallahu 'Alayhi Wasallam was always happy and easy mannered. There was

always a smile and a sign of happiness on his blessed face. He was soft-natured

and when the people needed his approval, he easily gave consent. He did not

speak in a harsh tone nor was he stone-hearted. He did not scream while

speaking, nor was he rude or spoke indecently. He did not seek other's faults.

He never overpraised anything nor exceeded in joking, nor was he a miser. He

kept away from undesirable language and did not make as if he did not hear

anything. If he did not agree with the next person's wish he did not make that

person feel disheartened, nor did he promise anything to that person. He

completely kept himself away from three things: from arguments, pride and

senseless utterances. He prohibited people from three things. He did not

disgrace or insult anyone, nor look for the faults of others, he only spoke that

from which reward was attained




They did not argue before him regarding anything. Whenever one spoke to him the other

would keep quiet and listen till he would finish. The speech of every person was as if the first

person was speaking. (They gave attention to what every person said. It was not as is

generally found that in the beginning people pay full attention, and if the talk is lengthened

they became bored, and begin to pay less attention). When all laughed for something, he

would laugh too. The things that surprised the people, he would also show his surprise

regarding that. (He would not sit quietly and keep himself aloof from everyone, but made

himself part of the gathering). He exercised patience at the harshness and indecent questions

of a traveller. (Villagers usually ask irrelevant questions. They do not show courtesy and ask

all types of questions. Sayyidina Rasulullah Sallallahu 'Alayhi Wasallam did not reprimand

them but exercised patience). The Sahaabah would bring travellers to his assemblies (so that

they thernselves could benefit from the various types of questions asked by these people,

and also hear some questions regarding which they themselves, due to etiquette, would not

ask). Rasulullah Sallallahu 'Alayhi Wasallam' would say: 'When you see a person in need,

then always 'help that person'. (If someone praised him, he would detest it). If someone, by

way of thanks praised him, he would remain silent, (because it is necessary that one 'thank a

person for a good favour or good deed. It is like one fulfilling one's duty. Some of the 'ulama

have translated this as: 'If one did not exceed in praising him, he would keep silent'. That

means if he exceeded he would prohibit him). He did not interrupt someone talking and did

not begin speaking when someone else was busy speaking. If one exceeded the limits he

would stop him or would get up and leave (so that that person would stop)".




3. Magic Ingredient- Empathy

• Empathy (manner of display>care/ respect) + (emphasis

on listening> understand message from speaker

perspective)– Catch> Fact + Emotion= meaning/ understanding

vs

• Sympathy (manner of display>care/ respect) – Catch> Emotion only= not meaning/ understanding

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Facts + Emotion =Meaning of

message



One of the Tabi'i Imam Ata ibn Abi Rabah (رضى هللا عنه) said:

"A young man would tell me something that I may have heard before he was born. Nevertheless, I listen to him as

if I had never heard it before.“

Khalid ibn Safwan al-Tamimi, who frequented the courts of the two Khalif'as Umar ibn Abd' al-Aziz (رضى هللا عنه) and

Hisham ibn 'Abd al-Malik (رضى هللا عنه) said:

"If a person tells you something you have heard before, or news that you already learnt, do not interrupt him to

exhibit your knowledge to those present. This is rude and ill mannered."



"Never interrupt a talk, though you know it inside out".- Al Hafiz al-Khatib al-Baghdadi



Exercise 3

Group Role- Playing

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Avoid verbal barrier modes

– Critic mode- [little put-downs]

– Identifier mode- [me too mode]

– Defensive mode- [defend first – ask later]

– Denying mode [dismissive language]…you’re too sensitive

– Being-Right mode [black and white thinking- everything right or wrong]

halal Vs haraam no mubah

– Interrogator mode- [closed-end, leading the witness statements]

– Sparring mode- [argument vs rebuttal]

– Diagnostic mode- [psychological analysers making assumptions and

then feedback]

– Advice mode- [announcing solutions without understanding problem

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Seven Listening Tips

1. Grasp main ideas (content + emotion)

2. Use familiarity to your advantage (don’t make assumptions and be

positive)

3. Eliminate physical distractions (i.e. mobiles)

4. Act on what you say you would do- (follow-through skills)

5. Take an interest (saves time overall)

6. Remember you have 2 ears/ 2 eyes/ one mouth

7. Patience- (control own emotion)

You don’t control anyone else- but you can influence them

The person you have most control over, is you!

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كم اهلل خريا جزا

Spiritual

The Power of Active Listening