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Diary of a man with broken relationships in the past & getting married soon …

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Here I stand on the brink of the biggest change in my life.

One month from today, I will be betrothed.

I will finally have love in my life, the companion I had been searching so long

for. I know people might find this funny, but I know how much I yearn for love in my life. Someone with whom I can share my happiness and sorrows, I can laugh with and fight with. Now I have that someone in my life! At this point I look back, go down to my memory lane to remember and recollect those real moments of life where I felt that special feeling about something .or someone.

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Man has endless needs and aspirations throughout his life. There would have been times when he would have noticed it. There would also have been times where he would have noticed but not really would have realized it. I too have had my share of aspirations. Many of them have been fueled by some special people in my life. And these special people have a permanent place in my heart, even though they are not now in my life. For it is truly hard to forget such persons, and I have no intention of doing that.

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God has been very kind to me. Yes he has been till this moment and I hope for the moments to come.

I had been traveling a lot right throughout my life and meeting so many people and have

very special people who I never wanted to miss in my life.

Romantic relationship, oh!! Everyone would love to be in love! Anyone will want to experience the rushes of love and see the world spinning around one person. This is one of those relationships which have got the ability to change a person totally from what he is to what he is not… so easily.

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My first brush with love was in school. It was dawn, had a perfect light and with cool breeze blowing around...I along with my friends were sitting in a bus and every one had come but it was she who was yet to make it. We were going to the beach to take part in a function and all the kids on the bus kept taking her name. She wasn’t on the bus yet. It was getting late and the teachers were getting anxious! Suddenly a guy shouted, “She’s come”. I peeped out of the window, and there she was on a bicycle, a mermaid! Yes a mermaid, as you’ll know they are fictitious, yes she

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was until that moment when I saw her.

For a moment I couldn’t believe my eyes, stunned beyond my senses... listening to those morning sounds... flowers blossoming, birds creeping. Now that’s too much of an introduction and I bet no one could have ever had such a moment to fall in love with such a girl. Ta da! That’s the moment I was into, what a vision I had! I could just tell you it was the perfect moment for one to fall in love and I had already - hook, line and sinker! I eagerly looked forward for her to be near me so that I could watch her all along and prayed to have her as my companion for the rest of my life.

We weren’t in the same class, so I rarely got to meet her and talk to her. But to my amusement I had a perfect arrangement to get to know each other. We both were in to the scouting movement and as luck would have it, we participated in a training camp for three days at ‘Tonekela’ – a place on the outskirts of Chennai city. Slowly I realized we were moving along well. I got to know her and so she did about me and a moment came that I made the first proposal of my life. Always a special moment... such a moment that! Though I hadn’t asked her for anything but just wanted to express what I had felt and what I had wished. After that I expressed my thoughts I realized she had taken it very well. I was

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overjoyed. We spent a lot of time talking and meeting each other. Days passed and we were up by one grade at school. Then all of sudden doom entered my life. She was moving to a different city. It was time to say goodbye. It was harder than any words could describe, but those days were also one of the most sweetest part of my life.

The time she left me was also was the time when so many things happened in my family. I was learning that I was up to a huge task of handling my family duties. My dreams changed and my wants and needs were much bigger and more defined. So I started preparing myself for a bigger goal. To join defense was one of dreams and I wanted to serve my country for at least a short while… I did try

my best by attending the testing camps three times. However in spite of my efforts I did not find myself getting through the interviews. But the learning was definitely huge for those 5 days of testing period in the Indian defense academy. I

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just liked being there. But whenever I fail on something I say to myself that I need to keep trying harder. When nothing does work out I say to myself that there is something better waiting for me. These were exactly the words that my very close friend used to share and console me with whenever I was down. Those words still helps me a lot to keep me on the ground whatever happens around me and give me patience.

I had completed my secondary schooling and had passed out with a descent score. Just a day before my counseling for engineering graduation I had returned to Chennai after completing the testing camp /interview conducted by the Indian navy. So I did not have much time to select colleges I could apply to. There were not many choices, given that my score was not too high. But I had already set my eyes on Mechanical Engineering, in line with my armed forces

dreams. And so, I chose a college that had seats for this course. I entered college with high aspirations. I was determined to work hard and do well in my studies,

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hoping to set myself well.

Yes I did, had got a good name among the lecturers and my mates. I was doing well in my studies and often my pals used to brand me as a very studious person. Due to this some of them kept away from me for they thought I am not fun. Studious people are considered to be boring. It took time for people to understand who I really was. A year and half passed and one day I had expressed to my friend the desire for talking to a girl from another department. Now this became a bit complicated. Neither were hardly any girls who used to come to our department, nor did we go to others.

Friends started questioning me of how I know her and all such things. I only knew that I was watching her all along my first year in college and I admired her serenity (inner silence- don’t know how to express it). She always looked to be a person with loads of self-composure.

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Her smile was the one that I still adore among all. I shouldn’t say we were into any sort of relationship. But yes we had something of that sort, something special. I still believe we understood each other very well. Every evening she used to call me and we used to talk as we really used to get very little time to talk in our college as both of us were in separate blocks. When we were nearing the final semester, some things happened in my family which I would pray no one else faces. It was a tough time that I passed through. So many things were in front of me. I had started wondering where I was heading to. There was a time in my final year when I had actually needed to discontinue as I hadn’t got enough financial support.

During this time, she was the one who stood by me as a pillar of support. She could not support me financially, but it was in her strength that I found strength to pull on. If it had not been for her, I would have broken down at that time. I would be a no one now. She was the one who helped me gain a hold on my life and move on.

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I had hoped that she would be there to support me forever. But forever is something that never happens in my life. After college, I struggled to find a job. My scores were low, so no company was ready to recruit me. She on other hand had found a job in the first campus interview and had been invited to Bangalore for her training.

I could not believe this was happening for the second time in my life. I secretly hoped that she would decline the offer, but even then I knew how stupid it was of me to think like that. However, hoping to maintain a long distance relationship, I told her my feelings. For which, she looked at me sympathetically, told me that she only thought of me as her very close friend and nothing more, and walked away. I wished I had died then. That's the thing with girls. We talked about everything under the sun, literally

everything. There would be nothing hidden between us, from the fact that she had shaved her vaginal hair yesterday to me having a masturbation a couple of days ago. We would even 'accidentally' brush against each other. She would lie of my shoulders on the days she felt low. But when the three magical words get spoken, she would say 'we are just friends' and walk away. I have never been able to understand the logic in that till date.

just

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One would have thought that after two misses I would have taken a break and concentrated on setting my life proper. For a while I did too, but cupid loves to chase me to the end of the world. So through my work life too, there have been a couple of single sided love stories. The most recent girl is perhaps the one that has affected me the most. I knew I should not have fallen for her, for she had a steady boyfriend even when we met first. She was my teammate and I knew pretty well that she was engaged. Still, I couldn't keep my mind off her.

She was a Christian, and for her, I started visiting the church on Sundays. But no matter what I did, I could not attract her enough to leave her fiance and fall for me. In the end, the inevitable happened. I knew it would anyway, but it still shook me to the core. I was listless and on a dangerous downhill spiral for many days. The one day, two of my closest friends, girls yes, but only friends – whom I consider my sisters, blasted me

left, right and center for being foolish. They forced me to leave behind all my stupidity and let my mom look for a match for me.

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And today, here I am, after all my struggles, about to be bound to a girl who has agreed to stay with me for life. I hope this bond will be strong, and beautiful. I am determined to be sincere and give her all my love. I will hold her like a dainty flower in my palm. I will not let any harm come to her. And I hope and pray, that she will nurture me like a mother, be my friend, my companion, my teacher and confidante. Yes, love is finally here!

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Dot Diaries is an immersive auto ethnography technique that relies of first person narratives to aid the process of meaning construction.

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