A BY C P Chasing Paper Cranes

ALSOBYCOURTNEYPEPPERNELL

PillowThoughts

TheRoadBetween

KeepingLongIsland

ChasingPaperCranes

AcknowledgmentsIwouldliketothankmysupportsystem—James,Emma,Rhian,myfamily,mypupsHeroandDakota,KirstyMelville,PattyRice,andtheteamatAndrewsMcMeelPublishingforbelievinginmeandhelpingtobringmywordstolife.Ibelievewearealwaysrightwherewearemeanttobe,soit’sanhonortohaveamazingpeoplebeapartofthisjourney.

Twitter:@CourtPeppernell

Instagram:@Courtneypeppernell

Email:courtney@pepperbooks.org

Beforewebegin,I’dliketoremindyouofastory.

Onceuponatime,therewasajellyfishcalled

You.

Youhadbeenlost

Youhadbeenalittleunsure

Youtriedveryhard

andYoubegantoheal.

NowYoumustremindothersthatsometimes

heartsache.

Ihatetospoiltheending

ButYou

canhealhearts.

TableofThoughtsIfyourheartisinlove

Ifyourheartisaching

Ifyourheartismissingsomeone

Ifyourheartishappy

Theseareforyourheart

Ifyourheartisinlove

Loveisallaroundus.

It’sinflowersandsunsets,

it’sthewhisperintrees,

thebreathofanewbornchild.

It’stwoteenagelovers,freeandwild.

Loveisamountain,ariver,ahandtohold,

it’scourageous,fierce,honest,andbold.

It’sashoulderwhenyouweep,

ablanketwhenyousleep.

Itisfamily,itisstrength,itisfaith.

Lovehasnoboundaries,nogender,

lovejustexists.

Youshouldn’tlosesleepoversomebodyanymorethantheyshouldlosesleepoveryou.Butyoudo,wealldo.

Andwecallthislove.

Jealousywillbeapartofeveryrelationship.Youcannotrunfromitbecauseitwillalwaysexist.Butdotalkaboutit;yourfeelingsarevalidandshouldn’tbedismissed.

Youhaveeveryrighttoloveyoursolitude

Beingalonedoesn’talwaysmeanyouarelonely

Iamasolarsystem

withcrashingcometsandstarclusters

Andinallmypieces

sheexists

Icanfeelhersostrongly

it’slikeIamnotevenme

anymore

Likeallmypiecesbelongtoher

Iknowlifeisn’talwaysaboutbrightcolorsandfireworks.Sometimesthecolorsaren’talwaysclear,andourdaysgetsohardtheyhurt.Butsettledownwithme,holdmyhand,letmekissyou.AllIwantistoknowyoumore.

Betterthananyoneelsehasbefore.

Lovewon’talwaysgiveyoutheanswersyouarelookingfor.

Butyouneedtocometopeacewithitanyway.

Evenifyouneverknowwhy,evenifaftereverything,itwaseasiertosaygoodbye.

Ispendhalfthemorningthinkingaboutyourphonecall,andwhenwewereupallnighttalking.HowIfelttheeffectofyourwordsonmyheart.IlieinbedandIthinkofyou.Iknowyoucomewithbaggage,butsodoI.Iknowyou’rescaredbecauseofhowotherstreatedyou.Butasthesunrisesandsets,I’mfallinginlovewithallthethingsyoudo.

AWeddingGift

Iknowtwopeopleandtheyareinlove.

Heischarmingandtall,sheisbeautifulandstrong.

TogetherIwishthemhappiness,tolastalifetimethatislong.

Iwishthemallthegoodthingsinlife

thatremindthemtobehumbleandkind.

Iwishthemsuccessandadventures

andtoleavealltheirtroublesbehind.

Dearestfriends,mayyoutodaybemanandwife

andlivewithlovefortherestofyourlife.

Sometimesthesmallestdetailsaboutapersonarethebiggestreasonswhyyoulovethem

Holdontoyourlove

ifsheisgoodandpure

Keepherclose

andifyoudreamofher

ifyouareamagnettohertouch

tellherhowinloveyouare

Youcan’tchoosewhichpartsofheryoulove.Eveninalltheuglymoments,sheshouldstillbethewomanyouwanttospendtherestofyourlifewith.Peoplearenotperfect,theyhaveflaws.Youdon’tgettochoosewhichonestoleaveout.

That’snothonestlove.

Youalwaysjustwantmore.Longerkisses,longerhugs,moretimespenttogether.You’lldrivearoundtheblockfivetimesjusttokeepthemanotherhour.Everythingisanotherstorytothebookshelfyouarebuilding.Theirhappinessbecomesjustasimportantasyours.Youlearntolovewhattheylove.You’llwanttobebetter.Becausethey’vemadeyoubetter.

YouarenotmorethanIcanhandle.

Evenifyoucomewithasuitcasefullofinsecurities,

Iwillstillwanttoknowyou.

Eveniftherearedayswhenyouarecrying

anddon’tbelieveinyourworth,Iwillstillwanttoholdyou.

Iknowyouhavestruggled;sohaveI.

Iknowthatthingsarehardonyou;metoo.

Butitdoesn’tchangehowbigyourheartis.

Iamoldenoughtomakemyownchoices,andIchooseyou.

Allthesepeoplewhocomeandgo

andyouarestill

theonlyone

Iwishtotrulyknow

Iboughtasweatertheotherday,thesamecolorasyoureyes.Istartedlisteningtoyourfavoriteband,wonderinghowthemusicmadeyoufeel.Istartedreadingbookswithcharacterswhoremindedmeofyou.WhenIcaughtthetraintothecity,Iwishedyouweretheretoo.Ifthisiswhatlovefeelslike,IamseeingyouineverythingIdo.

Intheendwhenwearelaughingatourchild’swedding,Iwanttojoke,“Idon’tknowhowyouputupwithmeforfortyyears,”knowingwe’llspendfortymoretogether.

IhavemessyhandwritingandIdon’talwaysknowwhattosay,butIwouldwriteloveletterstoyouallday.Ileavethehousewithoutanumbrellaintherain,butIwouldchooseyouagainandagain.Igetstuckwithtoomanythoughtsinmyhead,butIlistentoeverywordyou’veeversaid.Icanbeforgetfulandspendnightsallovertheplace,butyournameisinmyheartandittakesupthemostspace.

Mypencouldwrite

forathousandpeople

Butitneversmilesaboutthem

thewayitdoesforyou

Ijustwanttowearyourt-shirtsandwakeupinyourarms.Ijustwanttokissyouovercoffeeandsleepinwithyouduringrainstorms.Ijustwanttoholdyourhandinthestreetwithouthavingtoworrywhatpeoplewillthink.

Whenthesunrises,andyouareawake,youarebeautiful

Icouldspendalldayconnectingthefrecklesacrossyourback

Aslongasyouwillhaveme,thenIwillbeyours

becauseIwanttomakeyouhappyforallouryears

So,Iwanttosaythankyouforallthatyouareanddo

andmyheartissofullofallitsloveforyou

Ilovethisclosenessbetweenus.Ipineforeveryoneofherkisses.I’dspendmydaysdrivingthecoastlinewithmylovebesideme.Aninfinitedarkskywithstarsbecausesheremindsmeofthemoon.Momentsspentwithhercannevercomesoonenough.Towatchourlovegrowbetweenwhitesheetsandwine,fromstrangerstoshe-is-mine.Tobeyoungandwild,thentoblossomtogetherintooldage.IfIcouldwriteallmyloveforherbetweentheselines,itwouldfilleverypage.

Weareinthatfunnylittlestagewherewearealwaystogetherbutsomenightswearenot.ButIcan’tstandthosenightsalone,becausemybodywrappedaroundthecurveofyourbackandthesoundsofyourbreathinthedarkarenowtheonlywaysIcansleep.

Tonight,weareapart,soIamawake.

BeingwithherislikelisteningtoasongthatIwillalwaysremember.Itdoesn’tmatterhowmanytimesIlistentothesong,I’llalwaysremembermyfirsttimehearingit.Itfeltlikethesongknewme,andnotwhoIpretendedtobewhentheheadphonesweren’tin.Itfeltlikedrivingaroundlateatnight,andthesongplaysontheradio,andyoujustknowit’sasongthatwillchangeyourlife.

Wearen’tperfect,weneverwillbe.ButIlovetalkingtoyou,IlovetellingyouhowIfeelandhavingyoulistentome.AndIlovelisteningtoyoutoo.Allyourhopesanddreamsandinsecurities.Becausewheneverythingfadesawayandouragebeginstoshow,allwewillhaveleftistolisten.AndbecauseIlovethesoundofyourvoiceandtheechoesofyoursoul,Iwilllistentoyoufortherestofyourlife.Yourthoughtsmirrormythoughts,together,twopartsofawhole.

Idaydreamaboutthedayyouwillbemywife.It’llbeChristmastime,andourchildrenwillbeasleepwhileweareinthelivingroombythetree,tryingtobequietbutgigglingoverwine.Youwillstilllookbeautifulinpajamaswithyourhairpastyourshoulders,andI’llstilllovethetreelightsevenifwearegettingolder.Wewilltrytoguesswhatourboyandgirlwillsayaftertheynoticethehalf-eatencookieandthedropofmilkleftontheplateandtray.Andmyheartwillflutterasyoukissmylips,andwe’llsay“MerryChristmas,”becauselifewasmeanttobejustlikethis.

Allyoudoissmile

andIfeelitinmysoul

Howdoyoudothat?

Youmakemefeelyourlove

eveninmybones

You’reincredible

Ihopeyouknow

howIloveyouso

Ididn’tstandachance,theminuteIsawyouacrossthehall.Intheblinkofaneyemyheartwasyours.NowI’mwonderingifdestinyexists,iffaterestsinourhandsandmakesusfallsoinlovewecanbarelystand.Iwanttoknowthetasteofyourlips,andhowfarIwouldgotokeepyousafe.EvenifIhavelovedlongbefore,thistimemyheartisbeatingloud.We’vebeentakingphotographstohanguponthewall,ofmemoriesandadventuresanddayslivedtogether,andyetIstillrememberthemomentIsawyouacrossthehall.

Therearethingswetakeforgranted,likefreshlaundryandawindowtowatchthesky.Therearetimesweseelossandpainandwequestionwhy.ButIwillneverapologizeforleaningacrossthepassengerseattopressmylipstoyours.Iwillneverapologizefortellingtheworldthatyouarewhatisimportantinmylifeandinmyeyes.Iwillneverapologizeforstartingourdayswithgoodmorningsandendingthemwithgoodbyes.Iwillneverapologizeforallthememoriesthatweshareorthelyricswepoorlysing.IwillneverapologizeforallthisloveIhavetogive.Becauseit’syoursandIloveyoumorethananything.

We’reyoung,butnotthatyoung.Somepeoplearesixty-fiveandstillfeelyoung.Justbecausewehaveyearsaheadofusdoesn’tmeanourloveisn’tgoingtolastalifetime.Thenagainmaybewedon’thaveyears;everythingcouldendtomorrow.ButIwillloveyouanyway.Everyday,deeply,wholeheartedly,evenifweareyoung,evenifweareold.Myloveforyouwillbegentle,butfierceandbold.

WhenIamonthesubwaycominghomefromwork,IthinkaboutwakinguponaSundaymorningwithyoursideofthebedmade.Iwilldressinsweatsandfindyouinthekitchen,standingbythewindowwithcoffeeandstaringintotheyard.Thesunlightwillbeinyourhair,andyou’llcatchmetryingnottostare.Youwillsmile,withlipsthathavemedrunkinlove,andyou’llaskhowIslept.AndI’llsaybetterthanever,becauseIfeltsafewithyou,andthat’safeelingIwantforever.

Tellmehowtoreachyourheart

Showmewhereyoukeepit

Letmestay

Maybethat’swhatlifeisabout,

youwaitforthatperson

whoyoucouldlistentoforhours.

Thatpersonwhoisgoingtohave

arealconversationwithyou,

makeyoulaugh,

makeyoufeelalittlelost

whenyouhangupthephone.

Youwillalwaysbemydestination,myhome,mywholeheart.

Ilovetoloveyou.

You’llJustKnow

You’llseethemineverything.

Suddenlythesunreflectingoffyourwindshieldglowsthesamewayastheirsmile.ThesupermarketremindsyouofthatSundaymorningtheytriedtomakeyoupancakesandgotflouralloverthefloor.Theblanketatthefootofyourbedsuddenlybecomesasubstitutewhenthey’renotthere,andeverysingletime,it’snotnearlywarmenough.

Theireyesbecomegalaxiestogetlostin.Youthinkthey’rethefunniest,smartest,mostbeautifulpersonyouhaveevermet.Theydriveyoucrazyinthebestway.You’realwaysdrunkonthethoughtofthem.

Suddenlytheirbodybecomesamap,adiagram,aplacetocreatepathwayswithyourownfingertips.You’lltreatthisasadelicateriteofpassage,asthoughsomeoneislettingyoutouchgold.You’reanartistwhowantstodrawacrosstheircanvas.You’reanexplorerwhowantstodiscoveralltheplacesyourbodyfitswiththeirs.

Eachhugfeelslikeit’snotlongenough.Whentheyfoldintoyou.Whentheyhangoffeverywordyousay.Yousmellthemeverywhere.Inyourbedsheets,onyourclothes,assoonastheywalkintotheroom.Theysmelllikepineoakinthespring,likefirewoodinthewinter,likerainonasummernight.

Thewaytheylookatyou.Thewaytheyspellandsayyourname.

Youknowtheircoffeeorder,youknowwhatdaystheydolaundrybecausethey’llcallyoutoborrowclothes.Youknowtheirfavoritecolor,whatmakesthemlaugh,whatturnsthemon,whatbooksthey’llread,whatmoviesthey’llpick,everythingtheyhateaboutthemselvesyou’llloveevenmore.Youwanttoseetheworldwiththem.

Youthinkaboutthefuture.Marryingthem.Itscaresyou.Itexcitesyou.Youdon’tknowwhethertothinkaboutit,butyoucan’thelpit.Youthinkaboutwhetheryou’llgetacatordogfirst.Whathouseyou’llhave,whatyourchildrenwilllooklike.

You’llwanttobebetter.Becausethey’vemadeyoubetter.

Aboveanything,lovewillalwayscomebackintoyourlife.

Loveisn’talwaysaboutfallinginlovewithaperson.Loveispassingyourfinalexams.Loveiswatchingthesuncomeupbetweentheclouds.Loveisfindingthelightwhenyouwereinthedark.LoveiswhenyourfavoriteTVshowreturns.Loveiswhenyourdogtiltsitsheadwithconfusion.Loveisafreeicecreamvoucherleftonyourcarwindshield.Loveistheleavesfallinginthefall.Loveislearningtheconstellations.Loveissolvingaridiculousmathproblem.LoveisthechangingStarbucksmenufortheseasons.Loveiswatchingachildplayinthesandbox.Loveiswarmclotheswhentheycomeoutofthedryer.Whenyousayyou’vegivenuponlove,allyou’rereallysayingisthatyou’veclosedyoureyes.

Openthem.

Itissaidthatartistspaintportraitsoftheonestheylove.Well,writersdoittoo.Onlytheystringtogethersentencesaboutallthethingsthatmightbetoohardtosayinperson.Writersdon’tjustwriteaboutnothing.Theywriteaboutthethingskeptinthedeepestpartoftheirhearts.Theywritewithpassion,withmeaning.Theywritetoshowyouthattheycare.Andmorethanthat,theytrustyouwiththeirwords.Theygiveyoutheirwords,becausetheyaretryingtosay“Iloveyou.”

Ihopeyoufindalovethatlistenstoyouwhenyouneedtotalk.Ihopeyoufindalovethatnevertakesyouforgranted.Ihopeyoufindalovethatmakesyoufeelsafe.Ihopeyoufindalovethatwishesforyourdreamsasmuchasyoudo.Ihopeyoufindalovethatkissesyouwithsuchintensity,inthatmomentyouforgethowtobreathe.

Ifyourheartisaching

TheThreeKindsofHeartbreak

Thefirstiswhen

someoneisrecklesswith

yourheart

anditbreaksandshatters

inways

youneverthoughtitcould

Thesecondiswhen

youbreak

someoneelse’sheart

Becauseyou’llnever

knowpain

likethetypethathasyou

lookintotheireyes

buttheylookaway

Andtheworstkindofheartbreak

isthekindthatcomesalong

whenyouhavetowatch

thepersonyoulove

behappy

withsomeoneelse

Sometimesheartbreakwillfeellight,likeafeatherfallingfromthesky.Othertimesitwillhurtsomuchyou’llstandinfrontofthemirrorandbeg,why?Itwillcomeandgothroughchaptersofyourlife.Youwillcry.Youwilllieawakeatnighthopingitwillpassinthemorning.

Anditwillpass.

Theachewillpasswitheverytideandreturnwhenthingshavecomecrashingdown.

Itisacontinuouscycle,heretomakeyoustronger.

Whensheputsherarmsaroundyou,shewillmakeyoufeelsafe,butrarelywillshetakeyouinherarms.Shewillcallyoulateatnightwhentheradioisplayingherfavoritesongandtellyouhowmuchitremindsherofyou.Butthesearethesamesongsshehasdedicatedtothosebeforeyou.Listentoherwhenshe’scrying;it’soneoftheonlytimesshewilltellyouthetruth.Shewillpretendtounderstandyou,andyou’llbelieveherwhenshesaysshelovesallyourflaws.Shewilltellyoushewantsallthesamethingsyoudo,butshedoesn’t.Shedoesn’tknowwhatshewants.Shewilltellyouthatyouaretheonlythingsheneeds,butyouaren’t.Shewillwantothers.Shewillbelievesheisalwaysrightevenwhenshe’snotandyouknowshe’snot,butyou’llstoparguinganyway.You’llstaybecauseherselfishnessandherrecklessnessdon’tseemlessthanordinary.Everyonearoundyouwillconstantlysayhowbeautifulsheis,aworkofart,someoneextraordinary.Untilthedaysheshowsthetruecolorsunderneathhermask.Theywillbedarkanddangerousandinyourhesitation,youmightsurvive.Youmightjustdodgeabullet.

Forthepersonwholoveshernext,becauseIcouldn’t.

Myeyeshurtfromstaringatascreentryingtoforgetthememories.Mylegshurtfromrunningthroughemptystreetstryingtoforgetallthenightsyousleptinmysheets.Myhandshurtfromtryingtodistractmyselfinthepagesofabook.I’vebeenhopingtoforgetyoursmileandthewayyoulook.

Thestaticcanmakeourdistance

soundlikelove

Whensoftwordsseem

enough

forallthemilesinbetween

I’msorryfornotcallingback

I’msorryforallthenightsIdisappeared

becausethingsareneverastheyseem

Idreamaboutyoutoomuch

SometimesIlosemyselfinthosedreams

andIimaginethewayyoubreathe

andifyoutalkinyoursleep

andthewayI’dkissyouawake

ButthenImustremindmyself

thatyouwon’tbeherewhenIwakeup

Iguessthat’swhy

I’mafraidofthedark

Iwantedtotakeyourbreathaway

makeyourheartrace

youreyesonlyforme

Butyouliveliferecklessly

inallyourlonelyspace

Iwantedtofillpartsofyou

toloveyouwithallIhad

Butnotifitmeantlosingmyself

inyourmisery

SonowIlooktheotherway

whenyoupassby

AndI’vegivenup

onallourhistory

Thinkingmaybeyouare

justbetterleftamystery

Iwaitedonthebridge,butyounevercame

Iwaitedalldayforsomeone

whoIthoughtfeltthesame

I’llseeyouwhenIseeyou

I’llstillloveyouwhenIdo

Butfornow

Goodbyetoyou

Goodbyeto

allthethings

Ican’tkeepholdingonto

Mydreamswerealwaysofyou

buteverytimeIclosedmyeyes

youbelongedtosomeoneelse

Ithurttoloveher

Daysspentwonderingifshewouldgetbetter

Butshecouldnotsaveherself

andIstartedtorealize

weweren’tmeanttobe

andintheend

thepersonIendedupsaving

wasme

Thehesitationwillbequiet.Itwillcomewhenyouleastexpectit.Itwillrisefromthedepthsofyourachingsoulandsettleinyourheartasthreewords.

Ideservebetter

Intheyearstocome,Ihopetobeproudofyou.IhopethatIwillnotthinkofalltheterriblethingsyoudidorthecarelessnessyoushowedmyheart.Ihopeyoursoulwillgrowandthedistancewillallowforgivenesstosettleinbetweenthespacesthatkeepusapart.IhopeIshowempathyforthekindnessyoulacked,andthattimeprovesitscompassiontomyoldwounds.

Leaving

Youhandedmethebox,andIheldontoitforamoment,hopingmyfeetwouldmovetowardthedoor.ButIwantedyoutosaysomething,tomakeeverythinghurtless.Youcouldhavesaidanything,andIwouldhavebeengrateful.

Thesilencehungbetweenus,likeaheartslowlybreaking.Ireachedforthedoor,pulleditopen,onefootinthehallway,theotherinahomethatwasn’toursanymore.Itwasstrange,whatyousaidnext,whenyouturnedtomeandasked,

“Youhaven’tleftanythingbehind,haveyou?”

Ihadlaughed,asadlittlelaughthattraveledfrommetoyou,butonlybecauseIknewwewerebothrememberingthesamething.AllthetimesIhadleftmyshoesorcoatorwalletatyourplaceandyouwouldcallmetoletmeknow.Iwasconstantlyreturningtocollectthings.InevertoldyouthatIwasalwaysleavingthingsbehindsoIcouldreturnthenextday,justtoseeyouagain.

Buttherewouldn’tbeanextdayanymore.

Ilookedatyouonelasttime,rightbeforesteppingthroughtheapartmentdoor,andIhopedintimewewouldlookbackwithfondmemories.ButnowIrealizehowsadthelastthingyouhadsaidtomewas.Afteryouclosedthedoor,Iwasleavingsomethingbehindagain.

Itwasyou.

Youwillhaveyourheartbrokensobadly

youwillquestioniflovestillexists

Buttherearestillsoulsinthislife

whowillsayyournameinbetween

kissesspelledwiththeirlips

andtheywillholdyourhand

andtheywon’tletgo

Thereisnosuchthingasheartlessness.Ifsomeoneiscruelandunkind,itisbecausetheydonotknowofthekindnessfromstrangersorthelightwithinlove.Andiftheydonotknowoflight,howsadandlonelytheymustbe,tobecomedemonsofthenight.

Justbecausethebruisesaren’tvisibledoesn’tmeantheyaren’tthere

Thesaddestacheyouwilleverknow

istowakeuponedayandrealize

youhaverunoutoftime

Heartbreakisn’talwaystearsandpackingawayaboxofheroldthings.Itcanbeahighwaylateatnightandthinkingaboutthewaysheusedtosing.Itcanbeanemptyaisleinthegrocerystore,lookingatherfavoritechocolateandnotwantingtobuyitanymore.

Thereisalwaysonewhoiscarefulandsafewhiletheotheriswildandbrave.Togetherthingswillgetsomessyit’shardtowantmore.Andwithforgottenmemorieslitteredonthefloor,onewillalwayshaveasuitcasepackedandafootoutthedoor.

Butyouknowwhatitmeanstobehappy

Whenthingsseemsimplerandnotpiledon

asthoughyoumightbreak

Reachingoutforhelpisneverabadthing

Weneedtobebetter

Beforeit’stoolate

Thegriefwillfeellikeashadow.Eachtimeyoulookinthemirroritwillbearoundyou.Butitspurposeistoguideyoubackfromthedepthsofdespair.Itmightnotmakeanysense,butgriefunderstandswhatyoucanhandle.

Itknowswhatisandisn’tfair.

Astragicasitseems

ashurtfulasitfeels

iftheygaveuponyou

inyourworstmoment

theyneverreallylovedyou

Justbecauseithurtsdoesn’tmeanyouneedtoshrinkyourheartintosomethingthatcannolongerfeel.Openyourarmswithyourfacetothesky.Wewerenotmadetobeeasytolove.Allthatsoulinsideyouwillstillbeheard,evenafterthedayyoudie.

Theybrokeyourheart,soyoufoundyourselfreadingtextsandletterstopiecetogetherwhereitallwentwrong.Youhavesleeplessnightsandthoughtspushingyoutothelimit.Becauseheartbreakcanalsomeanabrokenspirit.

Ifyouarenothappy,youarenotobligatedtostay.Iftheywanttomakeyoucomeundoneandmakeyouquestionallthatyouareworth,thenit’sbesttowalkaway.

Thehighschooldancewillfeellikeamomentthatdefinedyou.Thatnothingelseinlifematteredandnooneelseexisted.Untilyou’reolderandyou’vediscoveredevenbonescanacheandnoteveryonewillgiveyouasecondchance.So,you’llstareintoanemptybottleandwishlifewereassimpleasahighschooldance.

Howmanyheartbreakscanyousurvive?

Allofthem

Becauseyouarenotmerely

skinandbones

Youarethelightandwonder

Youareajoytobeknown

Youarethecastleasoulcallshome

Youcouldbegsomeonetohealyou

inallthewaysyoucan’thealyourself.

Butotherpeoplearenotbandages.

Youareyourownjourney.

Thepainbelongstoyou.

Youstilllovethem,eveniftheynolongerloveyou.Thereisbraveryinlettinggoofaloveyouthoughtyouknew.Thereisnoshameinwantingsomeonewhodoesn’twantyouback.Butdarling,youdeservesomeonewhowantstoloveyoujustasmuch.

Acheisgoodforyou,eventhoughIknowitdoesn’tfeellikeitatthetime.Whensomeonebreaksyourheart,youcanbarelymovefrombed.Andyoustarttoquestionifyouwereevergoodenough.Allthesemessythoughtsinsideyourhead.Butyourheartneedstobreakinwaysthatdon’tseemfair.Itneedstosurvivesomeonecruelandselfishandunkind.Becauseyouwilllearnthatlifeisonlymeanttobelivedwithsomeonewhorespectsyourhopesanddreamsliketheirown.Heartbreakteachesyouthedifferencebetweenapersonwhoisnogoodforyouandsomeonewhowouldneverleaveyoualone.

Thehardestthingyouwilleverdoinyourlifeisforgivesomeonewhoneverapologized.Butyoudon’tneedtodothisforthem;youneedtodothisforyourself.

Youarenottheonlypersontobebroken,andyouwon’tbethelast.Therehavebeencenturiesofbrokenhearts,eachwiththeirownstories:afuture,present,andpast.So,youmustknowthatdespitetheacheinyoursoulandyourshakingvoice,thereisseldomaheartthatescapespainlikeithasachoice.Butyoudogettochoosehowyourecover.Andthatissomethingthatcannotbetakenawayfromyou,notevenbyanother.

Feelit,allofit.Thepain,theache,thevoiceinyourheadscreaming“Whydidyoustayforaslongasyoudid?”Youareallowedtopityyourself,youareallowednightswhereyoucanbarelymovefrombed.Thereisnolimitonthetimeittakestoheal.Butyoumustcontinuetofeel.Youneedtobreakandbendandthenaskyourselfwhenallthemiserywillend.Becauseitwillend.Onemorningyouwillwakeupandyouwillnoticethesun,youwillnoticethenewspaperonyourfrontlawnandthatthenightmareshavegone,youwillnoticeyourselfandhowfaryou’vecomeinmovingon.

Idon’twanttotalkaboutit

YouknowIcan’tstandgoodbyes

IfIaskedyoutostay

wouldyoutakemyhandinyours?

Sayyou’llneverleaveme

Ijustneedyoutoknow

everydayIwishIhadsaid

allthewordsinmyhead

It’seasiernottogetclosetoyou,tostayawayfromallthehurt.Everytimewetrythisagain,itonlyendsingoodbye.Oursadtruthisthatweshouldneverhavetried.

Thenightcoversmytears,butmyheartisstillachingafteralltheseyears.

Suchasadsoul,livinginaworldyoudon’tbelong.Iknowallthoselovesongsontheradioonlyremindyouofthelovethat’scomeandgone.Closingeyesanddreamingofaplacewhereyoudon’tfeelsoalone.

Youmustrememberthatyouarehuman.Filledwiththoughtsandfeelingsthatwillmakeyouacheuntilthepainfeelsitmightstay.Butitisnotheretoruinyou.Theacheisheretoremindyouthatyouwillsurvive,inanythingyoudo.

Ifyourheartismissingsomeone

SometimesIwonderifthepeoplefarthestawayfromusarethepeoplewhoknowusthemost.Everyoneseemstothinkthatlovelikethisdoesn’texistwithdistance.Butthentheydon’treadtheiremailslateatnight,speakingtoyouinsecretcodedwords.Theydon’tseeyouinthemorningswhenyou’veleftthelaptoprunning,andthereyouare,asleepontheothersideofthescreen.

Andthenthere’sallthatyouare.

Awomanwithdewdropsinyourhair,andarunawaysmile,andeyesbrighterthandiamonds,andtheonlythingIcanthinkaboutisthatIbetyousmelllikecoffeeonaSundaymorning.

I’veneverreallybeengoodatmuch

otherthancatchingplanesandwritingthingsdown

SoifIweretoboardaplaneandfindmyselfinyourcity

Ihopeyoumightletmewritesomethingsacrossyourskin

Likemynameandmythoughts

andafewreasonswhyI’dboardthatplaneagainandagain

Imissyoueveryday

Buttoday

itfeelslikeeverything

Ido

isjustheretoremindme

Iamlivingwithoutyou

Myhandreachesacrossthesheetsforyou

eventhoughIknowyou’renothere

Howdoyouleavemebreathless

frommilesaway

I’veneverreallybeenjealousofanything,exceptmaybepeoplewithfastcars.ButeverydayIfindmyselfjealousofthethingsthatmakeupyourday.I’mjealousofthecoffeeyoudrink,becauseithasthetasteofyourlips.I’mjealousofyourpillowatnight,becauseitholdsallyoursecrets.I’mjealousofallyourblankets,becausethey’retangledupinyou.I’mjealousofthestarsoutsideyourwindow,becausetheygettowatchyousleep.I’mjealousofallyourdistractions,becausetheyhaveyourtimeoverme.I’mjealousofthethingsthatkeepyouawake,becauselatelyIdon’tthinkthey’reme.Butmorethananything,I’mjealousofyour6a.m.,becauseit’llnevertellyouhowperfectyoulook,whenyoujustwakeup.

Findthekindoflovethatdoesn’tmakeyouquestiontheirintentions.Findthekindoflovethatmakesthedistancebetweenyouworthit.

Evenifweneverseeeachotheragain,knowthatinthemomentsweheldeachother’shearts,youwerewhatIneededmost.

OurdaysarefullofImissyouandImissyoutootexts,countingdownmonthsuntilwearetogetheragain.Butwhenwekissedforthefirsttime,Iknewallthemissingwouldbeworththetasteofyoursoul.

SometimesIworrythatIwon’tfindsomeone.ThatthepersonwhodeservesallthisloveIhavetogiveisouttherewithsomeoneelse.IworrythatIwon’tfindalovetobelievein,thatIwon’tfindahandthatfitswithmine.Idon’tknowhowIcanmisssomeoneI’venevermet,butIdo.

Iwassosurethatwewouldbe,howamIsupposedtoacceptthatnowwewillneverbe?

We’renottogetheranymore

YousayeachtimeIaskhowyouare

I’msorrythatI’vebeencalling

Andaskingaboutyourmom

I’vejustbeenwonderinghowsheis

I’msorryaboutyourdog

Iknowyoulovedhimalot

Iknowit’snoneofmybusiness

Allthethingsthatarehappening

Inyourlife

ButIstillcare

IjustwanttotellyouIstillloveyou

Butyou’lljustreplywith

“That’snotfair.”

Ifeltlikeabookthatyouhadmarkedwithallyourfavoritepages.Ourlovewasastorythatknewnoboundaries.Butyoulostthebookandunmarkedallthepages,andnowI’mmissingourstory.

I’mtiredofallthetexting

Ofallthelate-nightcalls

I’mtiredoftheconstant

Wanting

Andtimefeelinglikewalls

Ineedyourbreathonmyskin

Yourbodyasleepnexttomine

Ican’tkeeppretendingIdon’tmissyou

AndthatI’mfine

Iseehomeinyoureyes

Buthomeissofaraway

Imissthewayyouletyourhairdown

Howitfelloveryourshoulders

Itremindedmeofthewaylightspills

Fromthemoon

I’mrunningeverylight

chasingafteryou

I’mwatchingeverysunrise

butthey’renotasbeautifulasyou

Iknowwe’reonlyyoung

butIwantyoutobemine

Myheartisindisguise

alltheselostdreamsandlies

BecauseIjustwantyoutofeel

thewayIdoaboutyou

Wehadskippedschooltositonthehoodofyourcaranddrinkcherrycola.Wewerelisteningtomusic,thesamesongswedancedtoatthepartiesthrownwhenparentsweren’thome.Wetalkedaboutgettingolder,aboutcollegeandallthedreamswehad,ifwe’deatmorepizzaandliveinaworldthatmadeusfeellessalone.Youwentquietforawhile,asyoulookedoutattheview.Andthenyousaid,“Ihopeinfiveyears,Istillknowyou.”Nowit’sfiveyearslater,andIhaven’tseenyouinmonths.HowImissthatcherrycola,andallthedreamswehad.

WhenIthinkabouttime,Ithinkofhowquicklyitpasses.IthinkofallthethingswecouldhavedonewithourtimeandallthedaysandweeksIwasyoursandyouweremine.ThefirsttimeImetyou,wewereonlyneighbors,andIknowmymemoryisalittlefaded,butfromthatmomentmyloveforyouhasneverwavered.Timehasmovedonsincethatmemory,andwehaveallthesenewonestoshare.Someofthemarebeautiful,someareugly,somedon’tevenseemfair.Ithinkaboutallourtrials,ourroadtrips,festivals,andthenightsspenttalkingaboutourfuture.Somewherealongthewaywelostourselvesandlosteachother.Tobewithoutyouisanache,afeelingofseeingyouinallthingsandeverycolor.Iknowwehaveourownjourneys,ourdemonstofight,butIwantedyoutoknowIthinkofyouandusalmosteverynight.Evenifweareapart,IgrowforyouandIknowthatyougrowformetoo.BecauseintheendIknowthatyouarethemostbeautifulgirlIhaveeverseen,andallIwantforusistobetogetheragain.

Iwearyoursweaterswhenyou’reatworkalldaybecausetheysmelllikeyou.Andwhenyoucomehomeandcannotfindthemit’sbecauseIamhidingthem.AlwaysafraidIwon’thaveanothertowearwhenImissyou.

Theexactmoment,Icouldn’tbesure

whenwewentfromfriendstosomethingmore

JustlikeIcouldn’ttellyou

themomentitallfellapart

andyouleftthisabsenceinmyheart

Yousaidmyarmswerethewallstoyourhome

SowhywhenIaskyoutocomehome

Youdon’t?

Thedistancewillcloseoneday

Therewillbenomoreinterferenceonthephone

nomorewakingupatyournoon

nomoresittingonmybalconywishingIhadyou

tosharethebeautyofthemoon

Youwon’tbethere

andIwon’tbehere

We’llbetogether

Nothingmakesmehappierthanthearrivalgate

andnothingmakesmesadderthanthedeparturegate

Distanceoftengivesyouareasontoloveharder

Theoddsareagainstus

stackedallthewaytothesky

Ourfriendstellustoletgo

butwecan’tandwebothknow

Why

We’reinlove

evenwiththemilesbetweenus

Butthewayyoumakemefeel

makesitenough

Shedrovesixteenhoursjustforakiss

Becauseherlipswerewhatshehadmissed

WhenweweresixteenIwouldcometoyourwindowandthrowsmallstonesuntilyouopenedthecurtains.Iwouldclimbupthethatchandintoyourroomandwewouldtalkaboutallwewantedtobe.WegrewolderandwenttocollegeandIwasstillthrowingstonesandclimbingthroughyourwindow.UntilthedayIaskedyoutomarrymeandyousaidyes.AndIdon’tknowhowwewentfrombeinginlovetostrangers,buttonightIstoodoutonthestreetandwatchedtheguestsarrivetothewedding.Butitwasn’tourwedding.Becausesomewherethroughtheyears,Ihadstoppedthrowingstones.

It’salways

seeyouinamonth

or

seeyouinfivedays

Ican’twaituntilIcansay

seeyoutonight

Rememberalltheplanswemade?

WasInaivetothinkwe’dgetthatfar?

Betenderwithyourforever

Thedistanceisbearablemostdays.Whatwithbeingabletocallyou,textyoupicturesthroughoutmyday.Wecanstayuplateonvideocall,Icanseeyourfaceandsmile,wecanplanvisitsinbetweenclassesandmakeplayliststolastawhile.Butthemomentitbecomestoohardiswhenyou’resadandIcan’tholdyou.

Howtoexplain

theacheIfeelforyou

thecravingforyourtouch

thewayImissyou

It’sinthemomentsyouwanttoturntothemandsharegoodorbadnewsthatyourealizehowmuchofaholeisinyourheartwhentheyaren’twithyou.Allyouwantisforthepersonyoulovemosttobebyyourside.

Onedayourliveswon’tbefilledwithboardingpassesandweeklongvisits.InsteadI’llwakeupinourapartmentandyou’llbeinthekitchen,sittingatthecounterdrinkingcoffee,stillwearingmyt-shirtfromthenightbefore.

Wecantalkonthephoneforhours,burningthroughconversationsthewaycometsdointheatmosphere.IwishyouknewhowmuchImissyouwhenyou’renothere.Thelongingfeelslikeitsownuniverse.

OnedayIwon’thavetopackmybagsinyourroom

andwatchyoucry

wonderingwhenwe’llseeeachotheragain

Therearenightswheneverygoodnightfeelslikegoodbye

AllIwant

istobeabletobethere

whenyousayyouneedme

Iwouldchooseyouoversleepingin

Iwouldchoosecallingyouovergoingout

Iwouldchooseyourheart

Evenbeforewe’vehadthechancetobegin

Thereissuchbeautyinpatience

asthereispain

Butflowerssurvive

evenintherain

Thereisgreatfreedominonlyhavingyourself.Nothavingtoworryaboutsupportinganyoneelse,nothavingtothinkormakechoiceswithanyoneelseinmind.Butthereisstillanache,somedaysdullerthanothers,somedaysnotfeltuntiltheearlyhours.Itwillgraspatyouwhenyouthinkaboutanachievementandreceivinganawardandyouwantsomeonetobeinthecornerbeamingwithpride.Youthinkaboutitovercoffee,whennooneislookingatyouinsteadofdrinkingtheirs.Inthemiddleofthenightwhenit’scoldandnooneistherebreathinggentlybesideyou.Whenyoucomehomeandthehouseisempty,andevenifit’speacefulandquiet,youwouldliketoshareyourthoughtswithsomeoneastheysetdinneronthetable.Thefreedomtobelongtoyourselfisbeautiful,butit’salsobeautifultolookatsomeoneelseandknowtheirfavoritemomentofthedayiswhenyouwalkintotheroom.

Ifyourheartishappy

Appreciatehappiness,asitdoesn’toftenstay.Butitlivesthroughyoursmile,yourlaugh,yourdeepbreathsofrelief.

OurfirstrealconversationwasonaFerriswheel.Irememberbecauseyouwereafraidofheightsbutstillcameonwithmeanyway.Icouldtellyouwerenervousevenasthecarnivallightsweredancingaroundus.Itoldyouwewouldonlygoaroundacoupleoftimes,butyousaiditwasokayandthatyouwantedtostay.Irememberaskingwhatyouwantedinlifeanditwasn’tweirdtobeaskingyouthat.IrememberyoulistedallthethingsIwantedtoo,withthelastbeinghappiness.AndIfeltthenightairasitrusheddownmyback,wonderinghowIcouldpossiblyaskyoutostaywhenwewereonlynew.Butyoujustlookedatmeandsaid,“IknowIcanbehappywithyou.”

Asitrainedoutside,IlistenedtothepatteronthewindowpaneandIwatchedastworaindropschasedeachotheracrosstheglass.Anditremindedmeofyou,howIwouldfollowyouthrougheveryseason.Howwearestillus,evenifthedaysdon’talwaysstaythesame.HowIamhappywithyou,evenintherain.

Don’twasteyourtimewithpeoplewhobringyoudown.Bitternessisadiseasethatgetsthebetterofmostpeople,butthatdoesn’tmeanyouneedtotolerateit.Youhaveflawsjustlikeanybodyelse.Embracethem,liveforthem.Thereisonlyoneyou.Forgivenessishappiness.Theywalkhandinhand.Youdon’thavetoforgiveeveryoneinyourlife.Butyoudohavetoforgiveyourself.

Everytime.

Myhappiestmemoriesareallofyou

Ifyouleave

WhatamIsupposedtodo?

Tellme,Iwanttoknow

Tellmeaboutthemomentsthatmadeyourhandsshake,tellmeaboutyourfirstkissandthepersonwhomadeyourheartbreak.Tellmewhatyoulovetodoinyoursparetime,tellmeaboutalltheplacesyouwanttosee,aboutyourfavoritebooks,songs,andflavorsoftea.Tellmethethingthatscaresyoumost,tellmethemomentyoudecidedwhoyouare.Tellmethecolorsthatmakeyoudizzy,tellmealltheconstellationsyouknow.Tellmethethingsyouhopefor,thewishesyouplaceonstars,tellmethecandythatyoulike,theflowersthatmakeyousigh.Tellmewhatmakesyoubreathe,tellmeandI’llneversaygoodbye.

Darling,Iamsorry

Ican’tactlikeIdon’tcare

becauseIdo

Andyoursmile

iswhatIthinkabout

everytime

Iclosemyeyes

Icouldspendhourstalkingtoyouanditonlyfeelslikeahandfulofmoments.AndIknowthatlifecanbedifficultandchallengesgetintheway,butwithyou,lifefeelseffortless.Itfeelslikethestruggleisworthit.Justtoseeyouattheendoftheday.WhenIamwithyou,thesadnessgoesaway.

Thereisn’tadeadlineonyourbody

Firstsarestillimportant;onlydowhatyoufeelcomfortablewith

That’shappiness,whenyoumakesomeonefeelsafe.Youaretheirperson.Youarethereasontheycantalkabouttheirdeepestsecrets.Andinaworldofconstantshaming,youaretheonewhomakesthemfeelbravetobethemselves.

Youneedtokeepmovingforward.Youcannotgetaheadifyourefusetomove.

Allthingsservetheirpurposeandthenleave,evenhappiness.Wespendourliveswantingtobehappy,andthenwhenitarrives,wearescaredtoloseit.Butifyouhavetolethappinessgo,itdoesn’tmeansomethingelsewon’tcomealong.Inlife,therearemanythingsthathavepurpose,evenifsometimeswedon’trealizeit.

MorningThoughts

Whenyouwakeinthemorningandyoucheckyourphone,Iknowyou’rehopingforagood-morningtext.They’reonyourmindrightnow.

Whatmakesyouhappy?Climbingbookshelves,rosesabouttobloom,organizingyourdeskdrawersandcleaningyourroom.Thewindinyourhairasyourideyourbike,playingtheradioloud.Sippingmojitosinthelate-nightdusk,risingandfallingonthechestofsomeoneyoulove.Swimminginthelakewithnoschooluntilnextweek.Achievingyourdreams,beingwithyourfriends,dancingoutsideinasnow-filledstreet.Drinkingcoffeeandwatchingmovies,writinginjournalsandwaitingfortheweekend.Thethingsthatmakeyouhappyareimportant.Iftheymakeyousmileandthestressfeelslighter,thenyoudeservetoenjoythem.Dowhatmakesyouhappy.

Butyouneedtostopgettingsoworkedupaboutthingsthatwon’tmatterayearfromnow.Itisrelevanttoday,yes,butonedayitwon’tbe.

Stoppunishingyourselfforthingsthatwilleventuallypass.

Happinessiscominghometoafreshlymadebed.Toahousefullofscentedcandles,aglassofwineafterthedailystruggle.It’swalkinginthedoorandhearingthewords,“Iloveyou.”It’ssittingoppositeherinyourfavoriterestaurantandhearing,

“I’llsupportyouineverythingyoudo.”

Youwakeupthreemorningsinarow

andyoutellyourselfyouarenotgoingtomakeit

Butyouwill

Youwill

Youcannotbuyhappiness.Youcannotboilitdowntoafewchoicewordsandbottleitaway.Happinessisgrownfromaseed,toaflower,toaforest.Trustyourabilitytowaterthisseed.Trustthekindnessofothersandthehelpfromthoseyouholddearest.

Thereisjustsomethingaboutearlymornings.Awakewhileeverybodyelseisstillasleep.Anditfeelslikeyouhaveforgottenthepullofeverydaylifeandyouarejustachildagain,carefree,blowingdandelionsinthewind.

Happinessisn’tarush

Youdon’thavetokeepupwithanyone

Justkeepupwithyourself

Thatwilldo

Theenergyyouputintotheworldisn’talwaysthesameenergyyouwillreceive.Youcouldbeaballoflightandstillbemetwithpeoplewhotrytolockyouinthedark.Whatisimportantistheenergyyoukeepforyourself.Keepthelightburning.

Tobehappyisn’talwaystobewithothers.Someoflife’sgreatestthinkingisdonewhilewearealone.Otherpeoplecan’tlearntobreatheagainforyou.Otherpeoplecan’tfeelorseeorhearthingsinthewayyoudo.Sometimesbeinghappyissteppingawayfromthethingsyouknow.It’sbreathinginandoutandwatchingyoursoulgrow.

Rushingwon’thelpyouinstandstilltrafficanymorethanthinkingyouneedtobesomebodyelsewill.Youhaveyourwholelifeaheadofyou,nomatterwhatageyouare.Fillitwiththingsthatmakeyougetupinthemorning.Fillitwithpeoplewhosupportwhoyouwanttobe.

Thesundoesnotholdallyourbrokenpieces.

Itjustofferswarmth,asyoudo.

Youcanbehappyandstilllearntoheal.

Youarenotemotionalortoosoft.Therearethingsinlifethatwilltrytoturnyourhearttostone.Theywillleaveyoubruisedandangry,withfeelingsyouhaveneverknown.Buttobepatient,tofeelwarmthwhenpeopleturncold,isbothbraveandradiant.

Peopleliketotalkabouttheirpassions.Theyliketotellyouaboutthethingsthatmakethemhappy.Andyoucanseetheswitch,thelightthatpoursoutofthemwhentheyarespeakingofthethingstheylove.Listentosomeonewhentheyaretalking.Don’tshutthemdownortellthemthattheirpassionsdon’tmatter.It’sthesimplestwaytoruinanotherhumanbeing.

Inyourquesttobeunderstood,don’tforgettoshowhumility

don’tloseyourabilitytobeunderstanding

Somechaptersdon’thavehappyendings.Butyoureadonanyway,andIthinkthat’sthepoint.Nottobehappyallthetimebuttoknowthesunalwayscomesbackaround.

Aftereverything,yourheartisstillbeatingandyourmindisatpeace.Youpushedawayyourdemonsandyoufoughtbackfromtheshadows.Youfoundhappinessevenatallyourcrossroads.

Peoplegrowapart.Distancedoesn’talwaysmeanmiles.Sometimesitmeanstwofriendsgoingseparateways.Thepersonyoupouredyourheartoutto,traveledthroughnewcitieswith,calledatthreeinthemorningjusttogeticecream,suddenlybecomessomeonewhocan’teventextyouback.So,youstarttowonderwhathappenedandwhereitallwentwrong.Howcanthispersonwhowasonceyourlifelinenowbeastrangerwhoholdsallyourmemories?Butpeoplechangeandbecomecaughtupintheirownlives.Theymaynotevenrealizetheyaredoingit.Sometimesfriendsdisappearandwedon’tknowwhy.Butyoudon’tdeservetobeignored.Thethingsyouhavetosayareimportant;youshouldneverallowsomeonetomakeyoufeelasthoughtheyaren’t.Youshouldnevertoleratesomeonewhocan’tacknowledgethenewsyouhavetoshare.Youdon’tneedthisinyourlife.Letgoofpeoplewhodon’tmakeyouhappy.

Youcan’tskipchapters,that’snothowlifeworks.Youhavetoreadeveryline,meeteverycharacter.Youwon’tenjoyallofit.Hell,somechapterswillmakeyoucryforweeks.Youwillreadthingsyoudon’twanttoread,youwillhavemomentswhenyoudon’twantthepagestoend.Butyouhavetokeepgoing.Storieskeeptheworldrevolving.Liveyours,don’tmissout.

Makelistswhenhappinessfeelsfaraway

Thinkoftheskyturningorangeafterahotsummer’sday

ofleavesinthefall

ofovergrownsweatshirtsandpaintingsonbrickwalls

Thinkofhotchocolateinwinter

Thinkofmusicandlyinginthegrass

andthingsthatmakeyourheartbeatfast

Thinkofthesethings

asyougoaboutyourday

Happinessisneverreallythatfaraway

Happinesswon’talwaysbearound.Therewillbedayswhenitfeelshiddenandnowheretobefound.Butyoursmilekeepsthehappinessalive,andyourlaughtoo.Thereisnothingmoreimportantthantakingcareofyou.

Sometimeswefallinlovewithsomeone’spotential.Weignoretheirbehaviorbecausewebelievetheycanbebetter.Butapersondoesn’tchangeunlesstheywantto.Yourhappinessismoreimportantthanhangingontosomeoneelse’spotential.

Whenwearehappy,weareafraiditwillbetakenaway.Thatwewillwakeuponedayandthepersonormomentsthatmadeussohappywilldisappear.Wehavespentsolongwantingthishappinessthatwhenitarrives,westruggletoenjoyitoutoffearitwillleave.Buthappinesscomesandgoeslikecloudsandrainandsteamboatsonlongrivers.Itwashesontothesandandwashesback.Tofindhappinessistonavigatethroughaworldthatsometimesseemscolorless.Happinessisagift.Enjoyitwhileit’shere.

Youtaughtmenottodwellsomuchonwhatwas,nottothinksomuchaboutwhatwillbe,butratherlivefortodaywithyou.Countingeachdayasagift,happytobeinlove,happytojustbe.

Itcantakeweeksoryearsforbrokenbonestoheal,andsomesaythey’veknownheartstobebrokenfordecades.Butwhatisbrokenismerelycracked.Youforgettofillthecrackswithlight.Letthehappinessbackintoyourbloodstream.

Youdeservetobecaredabout

Youdeservetobehappy

Youdeservetobefree

Youdeservetoradiatepositiveenergy

Therearejustsomethingsnotmeantforyou

butthatdoesn’tmeanyouwon’tbehappy

Intheendourfootstepsalwaysleadus

tothethingswearemeanttodo

Theworldwon’talwaysloveyouforwhoyouare.Therearetoomanybodieshere.Toomanyperceptionsofwhatisandisn’tbeautiful.Sohereweare,withmostofusuncomfortableinourownskin,wishingtobesomeonedifferent.Thinkinghappinessonlyhappensifyoufitin.Whattodowhentheworldwantsyoutobeprettier,skinnier,curvier,orhavelighterordarkerskin.Youdeclareyourownuniverse,brightandalivewithinyourveins.Youarethekingorthequeen,theonewhomakestherulesandignoreseveryonewhocannotseejusthowbrilliantyouare,madefromatomsbrighterthanstars.

Theseareforyourheart

me

her

andourhearts

Whensomeonesays

metoo

andyourealizeyouarenotalone

Thatthethingsyouhavefelt

havebeenfeltbefore

andtheywillbefeltagain

Youache,youdoubt,youquestion,youcry

Youlaugh,youlove,andhavefaithinthesky

metoo

Yourpatiencewillbetested.Youwillgetfrustrated;somedayswillhurtmorethanothers.Butyouneedtomoveonfromwhathasalreadyhappened,appreciatethethingsstillaroundyou,andembracethethingsthatareyettocome.

Youareatreeandeachleafisathought,

awordtodescribehowyouarefeeling.

Buttherearetoomanyleavesandfallhas

comeandgone.Soyoustandlookingtothe

skyandaskingwhyyoumustfeelsomuch.

Butifyoulookaround,youwillfindthereare

manyothertreeswithmanymoreleaves.

Youmustletgooftheacheandplaceagentle

handonyourheavyheart.Takeprideinhowmuch

you’vegrown,andjustrememberyouarenotalone.

Wewereyoungandtheonlythingwelistenedtowasthesoundofourheartsracing

Iwishforyou

thethingsIwishformyself

Love,strength,andgoodhealth

Allthingsinlifebeginwitheffort.Youarenotgoingtowineverymoment,butyoumuststillapplythesameeffort.Dothisforyourself.

Notallgoodpeopleendupwithgoodpeople.

Youcantakeyourtime,considerallyourchoiceswithlogic,andalwaysdoyourbest.Butstillyourheartcanbebroken.

Yetgoodpeopledosurvive.

Theyarealwayssurviving.

Knowingwhatmakesushappyisimportant.Butsoisknowingwhatmakesussad,angry,andanxious.Knowinghowtofeelismorethandistinguishingbetweenemotions.It’salsoknowingwhensomeonemakesyoufeellikeamountaininsteadofmeredustandsoil.

Youarelookingforevidencetoprovethattheydon’tloveyou,whenthereisallthisevidencethatprovestheydo.Whentheyhangyoursweaterintheclosetafteryoucomehomefromwork,whentheyleaveyounotesonthekitchencountertohaveagoodday,whenyoudon’tfeellikecookingsotheyorderpizza.

Someonedoesn’thavetosay“Iloveyou”forittobetrue.

Ihopeyoufindsomeonewholovesyousofiercelyyouwon’tfeeltheneedtocoveryourfacethemorningafter,afraidforthemtoseeyoubareandnaked.

Responsibilitycanfeelheavyandgrowinguptoo

Somemomentsfeellikenobodyunderstandsyou

Whatyouaregoingthrough

Whototrust

Whoyouwanttobe

Butintheend,allthingscometogether

you’llsee

Allthingsaside

Myheartbeatsforyou

Doesyoursbeatforminetoo?

Thereareasmanydayshopeistobelostasitistobegained.Onthedaysthatyoucannotfeelthishope,itdoesn’tmeanit’snotthere.

Yourheartisheretogrow

wateritwithlove

letthelightin

Rememberyourheart

isaworldbeating

beneathyourskin

Weallloseourway,

Wetakepathsweneverintendedto

Weleaveourheartsmessy

andsometimesweleavethemess

inotherpeople’sheartstoo

Butwherethereishope

thereisaheartthatbeats

Pleasedon’tgiveuponyourself

Givemeyourheart

Iwillguarditasmyown

Andgiveitahome

Youarenotdefined

bythescarsonyourheart

Letthemenrichyou

learnfromthem

Tellothers“Thesearemyscars

andIamlearningtoembracethem”

Ifyouliketodreamorthinkorwearyourheartonyoursleeve,thendothat.Peopleliketotearothersdownwhentheyarehappy,andmoresowhenthey’resuccessful.They’lltrytofindfaultsbecausetheycan’tbelievethesamesuccessisn’thappeningtothem.

Youcanbreakyourownheart

butyoucanalsohealit

Icouldgiveyouamillionreasonswhyit’simportanttokeepyourheartopen,butwe’dbehereforhours.Icouldtellyouafterthedarknessthesunalwaysrises,butyouknowthisalready.Everybattlebecomesanotherstory,everyscarbecomespartofyourjourney.Yourheartisyourgreatestweaponagainstturninghard.Keepyourheartsoft,lovewithoutapology.

Whenthefieldsgrow

Myheartswells

Yoursforalways,justyou

Youcanbuildhappiness.Youplantaseedinyourheartandletitgrow.Letthehappinessspreadintoyourarmssowhenyouholdotherstheyfeelit.Letitspreadintoyourlegssowhenyouwalkpeopleseeitinyourstep.Keepbuildingdaybyday,untilyouhaveanentireempire.

Whatwillmakeitbettersheasked

Anewday

Whethertheystayorgo

yourheartneedstoknow

youarestrongerforsayingno

Eachsmallvictoryisworthcelebrating

Theraincloudsreturntothesky,asdoesthesun,themoon,andthestars.Yourheartisallowedtocryasmuchasitistolaugh.Feelwhatmakesyourpulseraceintheearlyhours.Goodiscomingyourwaysoon.

Ithinkyoushouldknow

Allthelovethatsurroundsyou

Everywhereyougo

Yourheartdeservestotakechances,dabbleinrisk.Itdeservestoventureoutintotheworldandexplorewhatitdoesanddoesn’tlove.Itdeservestobefollowed.

Therearepeopleouttheretellingyoutobemorethanbeautiful.Asifbeingbeautifuldoesn’tcarryitsownmagic.Beautyisdefinedasyouseefit.Ifbeingintelligent,funny,wild,adventurous,andhonestisyourdefinitionofbeautiful,thenbebeautiful.

Lostloveisn’ttheworstthingyoucangothroughinlife.Evenifinthemomentyoufeelasthoughnavigatingthestormisimpossible.Theworstthinginlifeisrefusingtoevolvefromthehurt.Yourheartcan’tgrowwithoutyou.Itneedsyouinitscorner.

Inourribcageliesourheart

Protected

Butpeoplecanreachinside

andcausechaos

Whenthishappens

remindyourself

Youarenotaburden

Youcan’tforceyourhearttofeelacertainway.Butyoucanrespectpeople.Youcanbegentlewhenlettingsomeonego.

Myskinfeltrawunderyourtouch

Asthoughmyloveforyou

wasfartoomuch

Whereverthislifetakesus,youwillbemygreatestmemory.Irememberthewayyouhaveyourcoffeeandwhatyoulooklikeinmyt-shirts.Irememberwakinguptothesoundofyourfootstepsdownstairsandfallingasleepinyourarms.Irememberthewayyousmell,howyoudressforspecialoccasions,yourfavoritecolor,thewallhanginginyourbedroomcoveredinfairylights.Irememberthecurveofyourbackandyourhandwriting,howhardyouworkforyourdreams.Everymemorynowsharedwithmine.I’llrememberyouforever.

Somepeopledon’tdeserveyourlove.Theywilltakeyouforgranted,tossyouasidewhenitseemseasiertobeselfish.Youneedtobestrongeverytimetheycomeknocking.Don’topenthedoor.

Peoplewilltellyouthatthematerialthingsgiventoyouholdnovalueoverhowyourheartfeels.Butsometimespossessionsholdworth,notforthevaluebutforthememories.Thesmallstuffedbearyourgrandfathergaveyoubeforehepassed,thenecklaceleftbyyourmotherthedayshewalkedout,thesweateryouroldloveleftbehind.Allthingshavememories,storiesofwheretheyhavecomefrom,andtheyallaffecttheheart.

Youcanbepassionateanddeterminedanditwillstillnotbeenough.Youwillfindaroadblockoneverycorner,aforcepullingyoubackwardinsteadofforward.Youwillwonderwhysomeoneaspassionateasyouisgoingnowhere.Butyouaregoingsomewhere.Everysetbackispartofthejourney.Thejoyofprobabilityisthateventuallysomethingwillgive.Yourdeterminationkeepsyouinthegame.

SometimesIfallasleepandIamstillhalfawake,watchingmyselfdream.Inthesemoments,IammorethanIeverthoughtIcouldbe.Iammorethanadream,morethanthemoon.Iamtheuniverse,andeverypossibilitybelongstome.

Thankyouforreadingthisbook.

IhopeyouenjoyedreadingitasmuchasIenjoyedwritingit.

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PillowThoughtsII

copyright©2018byCourtneyPeppernell.Allrightsreserved.Nopartofthisbookmaybeusedorreproducedinanymannerwhatsoeverwithoutwrittenpermissionexceptinthecaseofreprintsinthe

contextofreviews.

AndrewsMcMeelPublishing

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1130WalnutStreet,KansasCity,Missouri64106

www.andrewsmcmeel.com

ISBN:978-1-4494-9725-5

LibraryofCongressControlNumber:2018934779

IllustrationsbyRyanGerber

Editor:PattyRice

Designer,ArtDirector:DianeMarsh

ProductionEditor:DaveShaw

ProductionManager:CliffKoehler

DigitalProduction:KristenMinter

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