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Looking for love or Becoming Love?
CONNECTING Exercise Select a Partner (you don’t know)
1. A & B2. A speaks / B listens SILENTLY3. Three topics (30 sec./each)4. Switch and repeat
Meta-Communication
Meta-Communication Level
(“How are we doing?”)
Content Level
(“I like the dollar menu at McDonalds.”)
SMALL TALK Exercise Select a NEW Partner
“A” and “B” introduce yourselves and talk about anything for 2-minutes.
% ofm, e/d
Self-MonitoringThe ability to monitor
your communication behavior
TOE
Technique1. Talk? Equal % of
time talking?
2. Open? Open face/
open mind? 3.
Enlarge? Enlarge or diminish other?
Let’s begin
Singles ConferenceThemes?
RelationshipsDatingMarriageCareerGodly Life StyleMinistry Dealing with Issues/SinCharacter DevelopmentFamily of OriginFinances/Debt
Your life on earth
let’s look/string
“Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the greatest commandment.
And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself.”
- Jesus Matthew 22:37-40
Fundamentals Skills for
Friendship
Friendly
Understanding
Nurturing
FUN
Three Questions:
How are you
doing?
Are you
saying…?
How can I
love you?
(12 Words)
Friendly “How are you doing?”
1. Welcoming Others
Smiling to Others
• Your SMILE is your most powerful invitation to conversation.
• People look to your FACE to assess your intention ---approach, stay, retreat. (80% of assessment)
• Only 1 in 3 people SMILE to strangers, yet 90% of strangers will RETURN a SMILE.
Approaching Others
• Three Relational MovementsIncrease distance (move away)Maintain distance (stay)Decrease distance (move towards)
• Most difficult behavior--taking the first step.
2. Asking Questions
Asking Questions of Others
• A QUESTION is the most powerful verbal invitation to conversation.
• Your QUESTIONS demonstrate your interest.
• Focus of attention is on the other person
• Only 1 in 7 people are skilled in asking questions during conversation with people they know.
Types of Questions
Closed -- require short responses
Open – require longer responses
Probing– asks for additional information
Examples of QuestionsClosed Do you have free time? Did you just get your hair cut?
Open
How are you doing? Why do you like retreats?
Probing
…so, what else do you like about retreats?
…and what other things do you like about Bob?
ASKING QUESTIONS Exercise Select a NEW Partner
1. “A” asks 5-open questions of “B” (begin: “How did you turn out so well?)
2. “B” asks 5-open questions of “A” (begin: “How did you turn out so well?)
3. Join with another couple (now 4)
CONVERSATION PARTY Exercise (if time)
1. On Card / first name, 2 questions
2. Pair up, switch cards, ask questions
3. Meta-communicate compliment
4. Move to new partner / repeat process
BREAK
Understanding
“Are you saying…?”
Poor Listening
• We verbally interrupt others every 12 seconds.
• We evaluate/give advice 80% of the time.
1. Leader 2. Follower
Don’t talkGo slowLook at followerHold still one time
Don’t talkFollow leaderStay w/in 2 inches
FINGER-FOLLOW exercise
1. Listening to Discover Listen without interrupting
(12 vs 120)
Listen to discover not to confirm
Non-Evaluative Listening ExerciseSelect new partner
A - talks for 2 minutes on the topic, “If I had six months to live.” (can pause)
B - listens (attentive/NO TALKING) Switch A and B roles
2. Mirroring— restating what you heard the speaker saying in YOUR OWN WORDS:
Are you saying…?Do you mean…?I hear you saying…
MIRRORING Mirror
Head Are you saying…? (Content )
HeartAre you feeling…? (Feelings)
Mirroring example Speaker Listener
“I could do these retreats forever.” “Are you saying you
want to attend again?”
“I don’t know if I’ll return next year.” “Do you mean you
didn’t enjoy the retreat?”
MIRRORING Exercise Select a NEW Partner
1. “A” talks about “My five life goals” (1.5 min) 2. “B” mirrors (Are you saying…?”) every 30-seconds on Randy’s signal
BREAK
Nurturing “How can I love you?”
Five Love
Languages*
Words
Time
Gifts
Service
Touch
* Gary Chapman, The Five Love Languages
1. Words1. Compliment accomplishments
“Congratulations on your…”
2. Acknowledge effort“I’m proud of your effort
to…”
3. Praise character“I admire your honesty.”
4. Compliment “the invisible”“I appreciate that you
don’t…”
5. Express affection “I love you.”
COMPLIMENTING Exercise Select a NEW Partner
1. Introduce yourselves 2. Brainstorm 3 Rules of Relationship
3. Give 3 compliments to one another
2. Time
1. Time together Quality time, no
distractions
2. Time talking Sharing feelings,
deep disclosure
3. Time in shared activities Activities you both
enjoy (or other)
3. GiftsGift - is something you can hold
in yourhand and say he/she was
thinking of me.
1 . Gifts you make Poem, letter, cookies,
tokens, etc.
2. Gifts you buy Ring, clothing, tickets,
money, etc.
3. Gift of your presenceAttend special occasion
4. ServiceService – Doing things the
other person would like.
Running an errand, helping with a work task, taking out the trash, washing the car, vacuuming, mowing the lawn, paying the bills, baby-sitting, shopping, folding the clothes, pulling weeds, cleaning the windows, and a million other acts of service.
ACTS OF SERVICE Exercise Form groups of four (4)
1. Introduce yourself and share one act of service you enjoy having done for you.
2. As a group, brainstorm unique acts of service you give those you know.
3. Meta-communicate compliments to group.
5. TouchNonverbal Behavior – any
behavior that is not spoken or written.
Handshake, hug, hand on shoulder, massage, guiding behavior, kiss, and a hundred more…
Be sensitive to the cultural and personal boundaries of acceptable touching behavior. When it doubt, refrain.
Let’s review…
Fundamentals Skills for
Friendship
Three Questions:
How are you
doing?
Are you
saying…?
How can I
love you?
(12 Words)
Friendly
Understanding
Nurturing
FUN
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