Making the Most of Conflict and Difficult …...Difficult Conversations: pping the Conflict...

Making the Most of Conflict and

Difficult ConversationsDr. Andrew Johnston | DrAndrewJohnston.com

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• Conflict & Collaboration: The Making of a Top Team

Recognizing the Contributions of Conflict

Revealing Personal Responses to Conflict

• Tips & Tactics

Put Conflict in the Right Place

Stay in your Right Mind

Adopt the Right Posture

Shift from Certainty to Curiosity

Separate Impact & Intent

Swap Blame for Contribution

Today’s Territory…

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What are the hallmarks of an

exceptional team?

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Conflict & Team Performance

The pursuit of individual goal and personal status erodes

the focus on collective success

The need to avoid interpersonal discomfort keeps

members from holding each other accountable

Lack of clarity or buy-in prevents members from

making decisions they will stick to.

From: Patrick Lencioni’s, The Five Dysfunctions of a Team

The fear of being vulnerable with team

members prevents the building of trust.

The desire to preserve artificial harmony stifles

productive, ideological conflict.

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Stages of Group Development

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The Dangers of Artificial Harmony…

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• Hidden Conflict

• Groupthink

• Bad decisions

• No Trust

• No Synergy

• No Commitment

The Dangers of Artificial Harmony…

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• Where trust is lacking, members…

• Conceal their weaknesses and mistakes

• Hesitate to ask for help or provide constructive feedback

• Hesitate to offer help outside their own areas of responsibility

• Jump to conclusions about the intentions and abilities of others

• Hold Grudges

• Resist being dependent or relying on others

Tests for Trust…

• Where trust is present, members…

• Admit weaknesses

• Take responsibility for mistakes

• Ask for help

• Accept questions and input about their areas of responsibility

• Give the benefit of the doubt before coming to a negative conclusion about others

• Offer and accept apologies without hesitation

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Go First!

Focus on Collective Outcomes

Confront Difficult Issues

Force Clarity and Closure

Mine for Conflict

From: Patrick Lencioni’s, The Five Dysfunctions of a Team

Conflict & Team Performance

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• Clarify Conflict’s Role & Responses (“Conflict Norming”)

• Poll for Positions and Opinions

• Demand Debate

• Adopt Promising Postures

Tools to “Mine for Conflict”

c

The Challenge of the “Dip”

Time / Engagement

Pe

rfo

rma

nce

/Pro

du

ctivity

c

…the culprit behind lousy relationships, lackluster performance

and low satisfaction,

…a prerequisite to great relationships, exceptional

performance, and personal fulfillment…

The difference is how you handle it.

Conflict is…

c

Self Survey…

Be sure to note the specific

response for each blank.

Be sure to put a number in each box and to

use each number (1-5) in each question.

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Responses to Conflict…

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Responses to Conflict…

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Responses to Conflict…

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Responses to Conflict…

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Building your Repertoire…

!

! !

Snapshots of Style A Personal Album of Responses to Conflict

Consider each of the responses to conflict described below (from the Thomas Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument, TKI) and provide a “snapshot” of each being employed effectively. Your “snapshot” should describe a real life situation or interaction to which the given response was especially well suited.

Collaborating. All parties examine all of the options

and viewpoints and work toward finding a solution that will meet as many needs and concerns as possible.

Pros:

Maintains positive relationships among all Gets feelings into the open Accommodates strong feelings

Cons:

Takes Time Messy

Requires Vulnerability, Conflict

Compromising. Parties “split the difference” or each

give up a little bit so that everyone gets some of what they

want, but no one gets everything they want.

Pros:

A quick and easy solution

Fair, equal

Cons:

No one is completely satisfied

Doesn’t accommodate strong feelings well

Describe a snapshot (example) of collaborating to

resolve a conflict…

Describe a snapshot (example) of compromising

to resolve a conflict…

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Thomas –Kilmann Conflict Modes

As

se

rtiv

en

es

s

CompetingZero-sum orientation

Win/Lose power struggle

CompromisingMinimally acceptable to all

Relationships undamaged

CollaboratingExpand range of options

Achieve win/win outcomes

AvoidingWithdraw from the situation

Maintain neutrality

AccommodatingAccede to the other party.

Maintain harmony at all cost

Cooperativeness

Focus on others’ needs and mutual relationships

Focus o

n o

wn n

ee

ds, o

utc

om

es,

age

nda

How do you respond to conflict?

Under Stress…

c

Results and Relationship are on the line, and it’s sure to get Messy.

What makes a Difficult Conversation

so Difficult?

c

Difficult Conversation Worksheet…

Based on: Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

(2010) Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen

Their Contributions…

Your Contributions…

Your Intentions…

The Impact on you…

The Impact on them…

Their Intentions…

Your point of view…

Their point of view…

Difficult Conversations: Mapping the Conflict Worksheet

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• Put Conflict in the Right Place

• Stay in Your Right Mind

• Adopt the Right Posture• Shift from Certainty to Curiosity

• Separate Impact & Intent

• Swap Blame for Contribution

Tips & Tactics to Make the Most

of a Difficult Conversation

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Putting Conflict in Its Place

Elevating Purpose over the Personal

The

THIRD Thing

Person One Person TwoConflict

The Third Thing, A. Johnston ©2013

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Conflict

The

Standard

YOU THEM

Putting Conflict in Its Place

Elevating Purpose over the Personal

The Third Thing, A. Johnston ©2013

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Person One Person Two

The

Standard

Putting Conflict in Its Place

When It Gets Personal

Conflict

The Third Thing, A. Johnston ©2013

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• Put Conflict in the Right Place

• Stay in Your Right Mind

• Adopt the Right Posture• Shift from Certainty to Curiosity

• Separate Impact & Intent

• Swap Blame for Contribution

Tips & Tactics to Make the Most

of a Difficult Conversation

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Stay in your Right Mind…

c

The right mindset can make you less touchy and more resilient.

How touchy is your trigger?

c• It is a dire necessity for adult humans to be loved

or approved by virtually every significant other person in their community.

• One absolutely must be competent, adequate and achieving in all important respects or else one is an inadequate, worthless person.

• People absolutely must act considerately and fairly and they are damnable villains if they do not. They are their bad acts.

• It is awful and terrible when things are not the way one would very much like them to be.

• Emotional disturbance is mainly externally cause d and people have little or no ability to increase or decrease their dysfunctional feelings and behaviors.

• If something is or may be dangerous or fearsome, then one should be constantly and

excessively concerned about it and should keep dwelling on the possibility of it occurring.

• One cannot and must not face life's responsibilities and difficulties and it is easier to avoid them.

• One must be quite dependent on others and need them and you cannot mainly run one's own life.

• One's past history is an all-important determiner of one's present behavior and because something once strongly affected one's life, it should indefinitely have a similar effect.

• Other people's disturbances are horrible and one must feel upset about them.

• There is invariably a right, precise and perfect solution to human problems and it is awful if this perfect solution is not found.

Common “Irrational Beliefs…”

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• Put Conflict in the Right Place

• Stay in Your Right Mind

• Adopt the Right Posture• Shift from Certainty to Curiosity

• Separate Impact & Intent

• Swap Blame for Contribution

Tips & Tactics to Make the Most

of a Difficult Conversation

c

• Move the Camera

• Ask QuestionsWhy might we see it differently?

What data do they have that I don’t?

What experience, values, etc. do I draw from?

• Adopt the “And Stance”

Remember: You can’t move forward until you know where you are.

Reality is overrated:

Shift from Certainty to Curiosity

c

INTENTIONS IMPACT

ACTIONS

Extenuating

Circumstances

Assumption

Separate Intent from Impact

c

From Doug Stone, Harvard University

“I don’t know if you’re aware of this…” [I’m not saying it’s intentional]

“Here’s what I see…” [Describe data from my story]

“My concern is that…”[Describe impact]

“What do you think?” [Ask rather than tell]

Getting past assumptions…

c

• Share the impact, ask about intents

• Remind yourself that intentions are complex

• Care about the impact. Good Intentions don’t fix bad Impact

Intentions are only part of the picture:

Separate Intent from Impact

c

There’s enough fault for everyone

Swap Blame for Contribution

c

• Blame is about judging and looks back.

• Contribution is about understanding and looks forward.

• Consider the Contribution System…

There’s enough fault for everyone

Swap Blame for Contribution

c

Final Words…

What new ideas, insights, or strategies did you get out of this training?

•Session #2: Five Foundations of Accountability• Dr. Andrew Johnston

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c

c

c

The Current Context: Undermanaged

Why Managers Don’t Manage…

• Myth of Empowerment (Leaving ‘em alone is best)

• Myth of Fairness (Everyone is exactly the same)

• Myth of the Nice Guy (Being strong means being a jerk)

• Myth of Difficult Conversations (Being hands-off avoids trouble)

• Myth of Red Tape (Everything else ties me down)

• Myth of the Natural Leader (It’s just not my thing)

• Myth of Time (There’s just not enough time)From: It’s Okay to be the Boss (Tulgan)

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The Current Context: Disengaged

Gallup Business Journal, January 7, 2016

• In the U.S. 32% of employees are engaged, meaning they are involved in, enthusiastic about, and committed to their work and workplace.

• Worldwide, only 13% are engaged.

c

© 2018 A. Johnston | DrAndrewJohnston.com

cWhat Difference Does Accountability Make?

• Momentum vs. Inertia

c

From: Simple Sabotage Field Manual

• Managers and Supervisors— To lower morale and production, be pleasant to inefficient workers; give them undeserved promotions. Discriminate against efficient workers; complain unjustly about their work.

• Employees— Work slowly. Think of ways to increase the number of movements needed to do your job: use a light hammer instead of a heavy one; try to make a small wrench do, instead of a big one.

• Organizations and Conferences— When possible, refer all matters to committees, for “further study and consideration.” Attempt to make the committees as large and bureaucratic as possible. Hold conferences when there is more critical work to be done.

• Telephone— At office, hotel, and local telephone switchboards, delay putting calls through, give out wrong numbers, cut people off “accidentally,” or forget to disconnect them so that the line cannot be used again.

• Transportation— Make train travel as inconvenient as possible for enemy personnel. Issue two tickets for the same seat on a train in order to set up an “interesting” argument.

(From the US Government Office of Strategic Services, 1944)

cWhat Difference Does Accountability Make?

• Momentum vs. Inertia

• Commitment vs. Involvement

c Attitude toward the Vision/Mission…

For

Against

c

Commitment

Enrollment

Genuine Compliance

Formal Compliance

Grudging Compliance

Noncompliance

Apathy

Attitude toward the Vision/Mission…

c

Commitment

Enrollment

Genuine Compliance

Formal Compliance

Grudging Compliance

Noncompliance

Apathy

Attitude toward the Vision/Mission…

cRecalibrating Accountability

• Accountability refers to a person’s willingness to account for his or her own actions.

• It is demonstrated when a person makes meaningful commitments to goals and expectations in process, and takes personal responsibility for results and implications after the fact.

• Since this inclination depends upon an individual’s volition, accountability must be cultivated rather than commanded.

c

Building the Foundation of Accountability

Accountability refers to a person’s (or an organization’s) willingness to account for his or her actions and their impact. It is demonstrated when people make meaningful commitments to goals and expectations in process, and take personal responsibility for results and implications after the fact. Since this inclination depends upon individuals’ own volition, accountability must be cultivated rather than commanded. A foundation supporting genuine accountability is built of the five components below.

Clear Direction

When expectations and deliverables are unclear, people do not

demonstrate accountability for achieving them.

Clarify Goals & Priorities.

Courage

Fear dampens and diminishes “ownership” and causes people to

deliberately dial-back their accountability.

Encourage & Embolden them.

Ongoing Relationship

Accountability is fostered most strongly in authentic, personal relationships. Where relationships are shallow or perfunctory, accountability is too.

Abide with them.

Power

When people feel powerless, they don’t feel responsible for outcomes or

results and don’t demonstrate accountability.

Empower them.

Follow-Up

People demonstrate accountability when they know their personal efforts

and their stewardship of resources and opportunities will be visible.

Provide Credit & Consequences.

Copyright ©2016 A. Johnston

Ongoing Relationship

Accountability is fostered most strongly in authentic, personal relationships. Where relationships are shallow or perfunctory, accountability is too.

Abide with them.

c Courage

Fear dampens and diminishes “ownership” and causes people to deliberately dial-back their accountability.

Encourage &

Embolden them.

c

What do people fear in their organizational experience?

c

How does fear affect people?

c

Behaviors that Breed Fear

Abrasive or

Abusive

Conduct

Ambiguous

Behavior

Poorly Managed

Personnel &

Performance

Culture & Perceptions

of Top Management

c

1. Abrasive or Abusive Conduct

Aggressive interpersonal behavior that intentionally or unintentionally intimidates, demeans, humiliates, isolates, insults, or threatens people.

• Silence

• Glaring eye contact: “the look”

• Brevity or abruptness

• Threats about the job

• Insults and put downs

• Blaming, discrediting, or discounting

• An aggressive, controlling manner

• Shouting

• Angry outbursts, loss of control

• Physical threats

• Snubbing or ignoring people

c

2. Ambiguous Behavior by Leaders

Unclear or ambiguous behavior that causes anxiety and tension in employees because it is difficult to “read” and they are left stressed and wondering what the “rules” are.

• Ineffective problem-solving and decision making

• Lack of communication or indirect communication

• Lack of responsiveness to input or suggestions

• Inconsistency or mixed messages

• Uninviting behaviors

• Unethical conduct

c

3. Poorly Managed Personnel & Performance Issues

Employees worry about how their organization manages personnel issues and extrapolate: How someone else is treated is the way I could be treated.

• Reputation and credibility of the HR Department

• How the hiring process is conducted

• Decisions regarding hiring, realignment, termination, etc.

• How performance issues are handled

• Performance Management systems and interactions

c

4. Culture of the Organization

The “norms” (e.g. traditions, habits, accepted methods, etc.) by which the organization operates. Formal and informal expectations that powerfully shape behavior and cause anxiety and tension.

• Preferences and practices of leaders and top management

• What is culturally “cool”, and what’s not

• “Sacred cows” and taboo topics

• Unwritten rules

cTips & TacticsFostering Accountability by Encouraging & Emboldening Others

… “Bigger” Your People & Fill Their Sails

… Make Inaction the Enemy

… Overuse Fear as a Motivator

… Punish Mistakes

DO DON’T

c PowerWhen people feel powerless, they don’t feel responsible and they don’t demonstrate accountability.

Empowerthem.

c

The “Do-ing” Dilemma

c

Great Doer

c

Great Doer

c

Great Leader

c

Great Leader

cGreat Leader

c

LeaderFocus on People

Giving Control

Sharing Knowledge

Give Influence

Assign Responsibility

Elevate Others’ Engagement

Effectiveness measured in effect on

People. Their ability to achieve the

outcome

DoerFocus on Outcome

Take Control

Amass Knowledge

Exert Influence

Take Responsibility

Elevate Personal Engagement

Effectiveness measured in effect on

Outcome. Your own ability to

achieve the outcome.

vs.

c

What are other ways we take power away?

c

… Tell People What Must be Accomplished

… Ask Questions, Pose Riddles

… Risk More on People’s Choices

… Tell People What to Do

… Answer all the Questions, Solve Riddles

… Control Everything

Tips & TacticsFostering Accountability by Making People Powerful

DO DON’T

c

Clear DirectionWhen expectations and deliverables are unclear, people do not demonstrate accountability for achieving them.

ClarifyGoals & Priorities.

c

Near-Misses…

Motivating(Spurring Action)

c

Near-Misses…

Critiquing(Correcting

Action)

c

What Constitutes Clear Direction?

Clear Direction includes information about the...

... Purpose (The Compelling Why)

... Particulars (What by When, Givens & No-Go’s)

... Priorities (Especially Relative Priorities)

c

WHATStarts with verb. Describes a specific,

verifiable result.

Examples:

Complete 25 contacts

Raise the client satisfaction score from 87% to

95%.

Decrease average number of errors by at least 8.

Identify 3 candidates for the webmaster position.

Increase revenue by 10%

WHENIdentifies a specific deadline by which

the “What” must be done.

Examples:

By January 28, 2017

By the end of the 3rd quarter

Before the next board meeting

In the next 48 hours

For the February Team Meeting

c

Clear Direction

Givens

No–Go’s What

When

Purpose (Why)

c

What Constitutes Clear Direction?

Clear Direction includes information about the...

... Purpose (The Compelling Why)

... Particulars (What by When, Givens & No-Go’s)

... Priorities (Especially Relative Priorities)

c

Life in the Whirlwind

c

• We have too many of them

• We know more about what is Important(Isolated Priorities) than what is MoreImportant (Relative Priorities)

Number of Goals Number of Goals Achieved

2-3 2-3

4-10 1-2

11-20 0

The Problem with Priorities

c

The Contents of the Whirlwind

c

Good & Important Things

3

1

2

Priorities

c

… Set a Finish Line & Define Progress

… Be Complete and Concrete

… Prioritize Your Priorities

… Be Content with Activity

… Be Vague or Abstract

… Pretend Everything’s a Priority

Tips & TacticsFostering Accountability by Providing Clear Direction

DO DON’T

c

People demonstrate accountability when they know their personal efforts and their stewardship of resources and opportunities will be visible.

Provide Credit & Consequences.

Follow-Up

cHow do we make clinkers and contributions invisible?

• We represent our team members’ work to others

• We fail to identify or confront poor performance

• We fail to celebrate achievements

• We give deadlines but do not note when they pass

• We do not name those that contribute

• We don’t thank people for simply “doing their job”

c

… Aim the Spotlight

… Set Intermediate Goals & Progress Updates

… Create Passive & Shared Accountability

… Take Credit or Mask Responsibility

… Fail to Follow Up & Follow Through

… Make Accountability All About You

Tips & TacticsFostering Accountability With Follow Up

DO DON’T

c Ongoing Relationship

Accountability is fostered most strongly in authentic, personal relationships.

Where relationships are shallow or perfunctory, accountability is, too.

Abide with them.

c

Two Keys to an Ongoing Relationship

• Continuity• Psychological Distance

c

… Create Standing Meetings

… Own the Meetings

… Develop Purposeful Relationships

… Have Meetings “As Needed” or “Whenever you Need Me”

… Leave Meeting Agendas Up to Others

… Ignore Psychological Distance

Tips & TacticsFostering Accountability Through An Ongoing Relationship

DO DON’T

c

Building the Foundation of Accountability

Accountability refers to a person’s (or an organization’s) willingness to account for his or her actions and their impact. It is demonstrated when people make meaningful commitments to goals and expectations in process, and take personal responsibility for results and implications after the fact. Since this inclination depends upon individuals’ own volition, accountability must be cultivated rather than commanded. A foundation supporting genuine accountability is built of the five components below.

Clear Direction

When expectations and deliverables are unclear, people do not

demonstrate accountability for achieving them.

Clarify Goals & Priorities.

Courage

Fear dampens and diminishes “ownership” and causes people to

deliberately dial-back their accountability.

Encourage & Embolden them.

Ongoing Relationship

Accountability is fostered most strongly in authentic, personal relationships. Where relationships are shallow or perfunctory, accountability is too.

Abide with them.

Power

When people feel powerless, they don’t feel responsible for outcomes or

results and don’t demonstrate accountability.

Empower them.

Follow-Up

People demonstrate accountability when they know their personal efforts

and their stewardship of resources and opportunities will be visible.

Provide Credit & Consequences.

Copyright ©2016 A. Johnston

Ongoing Relationship

Accountability is fostered most strongly in authentic, personal relationships. Where relationships are shallow or perfunctory, accountability is too.

Abide with them.

c

Final Words…

What new ideas, insights, or strategies did you get out of this training?

c