Past Esther Teule the Gate - Free Spiritual Ebooks€¦ · 11 Past the gate ~ Esther Teule What is...

1 Pastthegate~EstherTeule

Past the Gate

Esther Teule

A little book about finding freedom

Past the GateA little book about finding freedom

Coverillustration:TraceyLongwww.traceylong.co.ukGraphicdesign:TirzaTeulewww.tirza-teule.nlEditing:MaryMcAuleyandKirstyTomlinson

EstherTeule2015

by Esther Teule

For my daughter Floor

“Painandsufferingareakindofcurrency

passedfromhandtohand,untilthey

reachsomeonewhoreceivesthem,but

doesnotpassthemon.”

SimoneWeil

Whatthisbookisabout......................................................

1 Howitallhappened........................................................... LoveandPoison.................................................................. TheTwo-stepTrick............................................................. AlittlewordabouttheParents.......................................... Thestorycontinues............................................................ Justsoyouknow.................................................................

2 TheGate.............................................................................. GuiltandShame................................................................. TheCommonBeliefs......................................................... Ahiddentreasure...............................................................

3 Goingthrough.................................................................... StepOne:Acknowledgingyourchildhoodhurt............... Guidanceandsupport........................................................ Sparklyangels..................................................................... Onemorething..................................................................

StepTwo:LearningtobecomeanInnerParent.............. TheInnerParentandtheInnerChild............................... InnerParenting.................................................................. ConfusingtheInnerParentwiththeInnerChild........... Earningthet-shirtofTrueInnerParent..........................

StepThree:EstablishingSelfLove.................................... Thejoyofnolongerdiminishingyourself....................... Meetingyourpower........................................................... Polishingthegeminside...................................................

4 PasttheGate....................................................................... Layersofunlove.................................................................. Somelastwords..................................................................

Content

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Whatthisbookisabout...

Ibelievethatthebiggestleapwecanmakein

ourselvesistofinallylovewhoweare.

Thismaysoundlikeanicebutuseless

sentence,pinkandfluffy,whenwhatyouneed

isadeepandradicalchange.

Somethingserious.

Infact,lovingyourselfatalltimesisthemost

revolutionarychangeyouwilleverexperience.

Beyondwhatyoucanimagine.

Iamnottalkingabouthighlightingthe

featuresinyourselfthatseemtodookayinthe

world.Orpumpingupyourself-esteem.

WhatIrefertoisdeeplylovingyourself.

Canyouhonestlysayyouloveyourself

rightnow?

Asin:completelyandfully?

Thatisprobablyhard.

Becausedeepdownyoumaybelievethatyou

arenotlovable.

Yousee…whenyoufeelyourself,youfeelthe

beliefsyouhaveaboutyourself.

Youmaynothavebeenabletoenjoybeingyou

much,becausethesebeliefscomefirst,plung-

ingyouintouncertaintyandconfusion.

Likethebeliefthatyouarenotgoodenough.

Thatyouarenotsmartorbeautifulenough.

Thatyouhavenorighttobehere.

Thatyouareunworthyandinvisible.

Thisisthetragedyweallcarrywithusin

ourcore.

Itleadstoalotofsuffering.

Awell-keptsecret,however,isthatthebeliefis

amistake.

Amistakethatyoucanseethroughandletgo

of,leadingyoupastthegateofyourself-hatred.

Itmeansyouthenfree-fallintoyourselfand

cannotbutlovewhatyouencounter.

1Howitallhappened

Howcomeyoudonottrulyloveyourself?

Whendidyoubegintobelievethatyouwere

notgoodenough?Howdidthathappen?

Youmaybelieveyouhavemanygoodreasons

nottoloveyourself:

Lookatmebeingsostupid!Lookatmeacting

soclumsy…

Iamsimplynottalentedenough,everybody

canseethat.

Lookatthatbellyinthemirror,how

disgusting!

Recognizethis?Thesecommentsthatmake

youfeellikeafailure?Thatmakeyoufeel

smallandpowerlessandbringyoudown?

Itisjustyourbelieftalking,lookingforevi-

dencetojustifyitself.Likeapairofunloving

eyes,lookingforfaultsandmishaps.Whose

eyesaretheseanyway?

Difficulttotell.

Becausetheonethatislistening(you)isnot

awareofthemessenger,butisparalyzed,like

arabbitcaughtintheheadlightsofacar.You

neverreallyquestionthesourceofthepainful

commenting.Youjustsuffer,lostinthegame

ofblamingyourself.

But:rightnowyouarereadingthisbookbe-

causeyounolongerwanttosuffer!

Younolongerwanttosufferandyoufeel

ready–atleastsortof;-)–tobreakthespell

andfindoutwhatitisthatiskeepingyou

trapped.

Solet’sinvestigatethissourceandhowit

endedupbeingsopowerfulinyourlife.

Forthat,weneedtogobackintime.

LoveandPoison

Imaginethis.

Onedayyouwerebornandgrewupwithyour

parentsorsinglemother,orsinglefatheror

othercaretakers...

Iwillcallthem,herorhim,theParentsfrom

nowon.

Youbondedwiththeminthemostintimate

way,frominfanttoteenager.

Theywereyoursafety,yourlovesource,your

role-models,yourfoodsuppliersandgiversof

everythingelseyouneededtosurvive

(evenwhentheydidn’tdoallofthesethings).

Theywereyourworld.

Yourparentsprobablylovedyouanawfullot.

Mostparentsdo.

WhatisalsotrueisthatmostoftheParents,

liketherestofus,arewoundedatthecore.

Theymayhavethesebeliefsaboutthemselves

thathurt.

Beliefstheymaynotevenbeawareof,forged

atanearlyage,hiddendeepinside.

Theymaysecretlybelievetheyareafailureand

theworldlooksdownonthem.

Theymaybelievetheycanneverhavewhat

theywantbecausetheydonotdeserveit.

Theymaybelievetheyneedtoworkhardto

earnrespect,feelingunworthywithin.

Bondingwithparentsisnotaselective

process.

Thereisnobufferbetweenyouandthem,

norescue.

Yougettheirloveandhurtinonepackage.

Receivingtheirloveislikeafertilizer,making

yougrowandflourish.Receivingtheirraw

hurtthough,isliketakinginpoison.

Whoa,thatsoundsserious.

Well,itis.

Yousee,thethingwithhurt–real,serious

hurtcomingfromadeepplace–is,thatit

needstobeprocessedinordernottobecome

toxic.

Whenhurtissuppressedinsteadofowned

(asin:beingfelt,understoodandgrievedover)

itwillindeedbecomelikeapoison,ahomeless

ghostlookingforvalidation,hurtingothersin

itsquestforacknowledgement.

TheParentsmaynotbeawareofthishappen-

ing,feelingtheyhaveburiedtheirpainsafely

inside,believingtheyarenotburdeningyou

withit.Theymayevenbeunawareoftheir

woundednessinthefirstplace.

Suppressedhurtwillalwaysbeprojectedout-

wards,claimingcare,specialtreatment,atten-

tion,respectandevenlove.

Oncepainisownedandprocessed,itmaystill

bepresent,but will no longer be passed on.

Likeithasfounditsrightfulhome,whereit

cancometorest.Itmayevenbecomeagift,

softeningthefabricoftheheart.

However

ifthisdidn’thappen,

theirhurtwillbepassedontoyou.

Okay.Let’stakeadeepbreathandinvestigate

thistoxicintakeforamoment...

Poison,aliasunprocessedhurt,comesinmany

flavors.

Itcanbedoledouttoyouovertlyorinmore

hiddenways–liketheParentsbeingcoldor

manipulativeinsteadofdoingthingslike

yellingandhitting.(Thehiddenwaysseem

lessbadsomehow,morecivilized.Idon’t

believetheyare.)

Somecommonflavors:

Coldness.

Neglect.

Abuse.

Manipulation.

Thesearethemessagesthatareattachedto

Rage:Ihateyou.

Coldness:Ican’tstandyou.

Neglect:Idon’tcareaboutyou.

Abuse:IneedyoutosufferlikeIdid.

Manipulation:Icanonlyloveyouifyoudoit

myway.

Terrifyingstufftotakeinasalittlehuman!

Especiallywhenyouaretoosmalltoputthings

inperspective:Nowisallthereis,whichis

Youcannotprotectyourself,orrunaway.

Youfeellikeyouneedtocopeordie.

Thismayallsoundabitmelodramatictoyou.

(Itsurewasn’tthathorrible!)

Youmayfeelyouwanttorushinandmakethe

Parentslooklessbad.Liketheydidn’treally

meanit.Orcouldn’thelpactingthatwayback

then.Orrightnow.

Noticethat?

Everwonderedwhyyoualwaysexcusethe

Parents?Whywealldothis?

Youmayconfuseitwithlove.Butintruthitis

animportantpartofhavingbecomearabbitin

theheadlights.

Powerlessandfrozen.

Let’sfindoutwhy.

TheTwo-stepTrick

Whenyouexperiencesomethinglife-threat-

ening,orsomethingtoopainfultobear,your

minddoesthisthing.

Thistricktomakeyousurvivethesituation.

Actually,itisaTwo-stepTrickanditisquite

brilliant.Thisishowitworks:

ThefirststepistheTrickofSuppression.

Itsortoferasesyourmemoryofthetoo-terrify-

ing-experience.

Itisnotlikethememoryisforevergone,but

itispushedoutofyourconsciousnesssothat

youcansurvivethesituation.(Thishappens

forexampletowarvictims,ortosurvivorsof

seriousaccidents–youareprobablyfamiliar

withstorieslikethese.)

Inthecaseoflittle-youbeinginthePoison

Situation,thistricksuppressestheterrify-

ingtruththatthe source of love actually turned

against you.

Whichisashockinginsightwhenyourlife

dependsonitandthereisnowhereelsetogo.

Itis,infact,toounbearabletobetrue.

Soincomesthemindandsuppressesthis

insight.

Itburiesitdeepinside,inasmallfreezer.

Preferablywithabiglockonit.

Butitcannotmakeeverythinggoaway.

Thetasteoffearisstillthere,makingithardto

breathattimes.

Sonowthesecondstepkicksin:theTrickof

Inversion.

Thispartofthetrickreversesthetruth.Since

youneedtheParentstobetrustworthy,you

starttoblameyourself.

Thelogicgoeslikethis:

Whenthesourceoflove(theParents)turns

againstyou,itmeansitmustbeveryhardto

loveyou.

Youaresimplynotlovableenough,soitis

yourfault.

Itmeansyouneedtochangesotheycanlove

youagain.

Withthisinvertedlogicyounowhaveaway

out,ahopeforthingstoberightagain:allyou

havetodoisbecomeabetterperson!

Like:beingnicetomommyanddaddy,being

acutegirlorboy,nottakingupspace,being

easyandsunny,stoppingbeingneedy.Being

thestrongone.Notsayingwhatyoureallyfeel.

Notbeingyou.Beingwhattheywantyoutobe,

givingthemwhattheyseemtoneed.

Savingthem,pleasingthem.

Quiteataskforalittlechild!

Thisisnotatrickyoucomeupwithyourself.

Ithappensautomatically,withoutyouhavinga

choiceinthematter.

Sodonotwasteyourtimebelievingyoudid

thistoyourself.Ornotlikingyourselffor

havingbecomeinvisible.Oragoodliar.

Orapleaser.

Therewasnootherway.

Truly.

TheproblemwiththeTwo-stepTrickisthat

themindmakessurethejobiswelldone.It

makessureyouwon’tlookbackandfindoutit

wasjustastoryyoubelievedtokeepyougoing.

Youcometobelievethatsomethingiswrong

withyouandinordertobeloved,youneedto

makeaneffortnow.

20Pastthegate~EstherTeule

Thebeliefistellingyou:

-Whenyouareyourtrueself,theParentswill

behurt.

-Theyarehurtbecauseofyou.

-Ifonlyyouwereabetterperson,theywould

surelyloveyou.

-TheParentsareyoursourceoflove,youneed

themtosurvive.Youneedthemtoloveyou!

Inthemeantimethepainfulwoundinflicted

bytheirpoisonissleepinginthesecretfreezer,

coverednowwithshinycrystals.Yourwound

doesn’tcount,isn’tthere,isoutofsight,numb

withcold.

(Thismaysoundconvenientinaway–what

youcan’tfeel,can’thurtyou.ButIcanassure

youitisnot,intheend.

Becausedenyingyourhurtislikedenyingwho

youare,turningyouintoastrangertoyour-

self.)

Canyouseehowyoulostyournatural,loving

connectionwithyourself?

Howyoucametodistrustyourowngoodness?

Howyoubecametherabbitintheheadlights,

listeningtoyourinnercriticinstead?

WhatBigandComplexIssuesforalittlehu-

mantostrugglewith!

IthinkIneedacupofteanow,niceandhot

andreassuring.You?

Okay.Tosumitupsofar:

Withoutknowingit,youhadtoleaveyourself

tosaveyourself.

Youtriedtosaveyourselfbybecominga

BetterYou.

YoudidnotblametheParentsbecauseofthe

Suppression-and-InversionTrick.

Whatyouhadtoleavebehind:

-yourself-love(orabigchunkofit)

-yourtrueexpression

-trustinyourself

-thetruthaboutbeingdeeplyhurt

(thewoundinthefreezer)

AndtheTrickisstillplayingout,rightnow.

Becauseitwasnevertoldtostop.

AlittlewordabouttheParents

Whilereading,youmayhavefeltthatthe

Parentsdeservealittlemorerespect.

Andloveandunderstanding.

Andforgiveness.

(Especiallyifyouareaparentyourself,

likeme;-))

RememberthattheParentsarejustlikeyou.

Theyareadaughterorasonaswell.

Andthisbookisaboutjustthat.

Can’tchangetheParents,canyou?

Butyoucanchangeyourself.

Soallowyourself

tofocusinwards

andletthisbeaboutYoufornow!

Thestorycontinues…

Lifewenton.Yougrewup,paddlingonlife’s

riverwithitsstrongcurrents,waterfallsand

wideopenpatches,yourbodyshapedintoa

man’sorwoman’s.

Youarebignow,andyouhavelearnedalotof

things.

You’vebeencourageousandveryadult,man-

agingyourlife.You’vebeendoingwellsofar!

Butdeepinside,thetrickisstillactiveandthe

woundstillfrozen.Thelieaboutwhoyouare

wasnevertrulyunraveledandseenforwhatit

Yousee,theParentshavesimplybecomethe

world.Orviceversa.Theworldhasbecomethe

Parents.

Thesourceofloveandpoison.

Theworldis:

yourlover

yourfriends

yourfamily

yourneighbors

peopleatwork

Facebook

Twitter

peopleonthestreet

peopleanywhereonthisplanetandbeyond

peopleinyourhead

Theyarethenewmomanddad,whileyouare

stilltryingtobecometheBetterYou.Stillnot

athomeinyourself.

Inawaynothinghaschanged.

Notreally.

Ofcourse,

youmayhavefoundhappinessandpurpose

inyourlife,doingthingsyoulike,livingyour

adultlifeinawaythatsuitsyou.

Muchrespectforthat.

Buttherealwaysseemstobeafamiliarpoint

thatyoucan’tgetpast.

Likethere’sagate,holdingyouback.

Agatethatremindsyouofsomethingunfin-

ished,somethingfearful.Somethingpainful

thatisn’tright.

Thisgatesignalswhatyouwereprogrammed

toavoid.Sowheneveryouaccidentally(oron

purpose)wanderinthatpartofyourgarden,

andsuddenlythegateappearsinfrontofyou,

youhurryback.

Backtosafety.

Notknowingthatthegateisyourportalto

freedom.

Solet’sbecourageousandhaveapeek.

Let’scheckoutwhatthegateisabout.

Shallwe?

First:Justsoyouknow

Haveyouanyideahowlovelyyouare?

Howamazinglyinventiveandsmart?

Howbeautifulanddeeplylovable?

(youmaywanttoreadtheselinesagain:-))

Iamnottalkingaboutperfection.

Perfecttowhom?

Youareaperfecthumanbeing,

toograndtofitinanydescription.

Youarealreadythebestyoucanbe.

Anddonotbelievethatautomaticthought

thatyouarenot.

2TheGate

Solet’stakeacloserlookatthegate.

Whatisitexactly?

Itholdsinyourdeepbeliefsaboutyoubeing

unlovable.Italsohidesthefreezer.

(Thisisbeginningtosoundlikeapropina

horrormovie,containingaseveredheador

something;-).Infactitisfarfromit,butwe

willgettothat…)

FirstIwanttosaysomethingaboutsome

clevermindtricksthatguardthegate.They

areimportanttoolsoftheInversionTrick,and

quitedepressing.Theyareextremelypowerful

aswell,ifyoubelieveintheirmagic.

ThatiswhyImentionthem.

Theyaresodeeplyembeddedinourculture,

thattheseguardsevenhavenames.Notlong

ago,theywereseenasvirtues,assomething

importanttokeepyoufromwanderingoff.

Infacttheyarestillwidelyacceptedassuch.

TheyarecalledGuiltandShame.

Youprobablyknowthem.

GuiltandShame

Guiltmakesyoufeelbadwhenyoufocuson

yourself.Instead,ittellsyou,youshouldfocus

ontheneedsoftheParents.

Shametellsyouthatyouaredeeplydisappoint-

ing–failingtheParentswhodeserveabetter

versionofyou.

RemembertheParentsaretheworldaswell,

sotheycanbeanythingoranybody.

Theirmessageisextremelypainfulandkeeps

youonhold.Theykeepyoutrappedinaloyalty

dilemma:

Guiltsays:

IfyouloveyourselfyoubetraytheParents.

Ifyoulookintoyourownneeds,youneglect

theParents.

Youareresponsiblefortheirhappiness.

(WithloveandneedsIactuallymeanfierce love

andrealneeds.Thekindthatmakeyou

followyourpassionsanddreams,evenwhen

thatmeanspackingyourthingsandmovingto

theNorthPole,nevertoreturn.Iamnotrefer-

ringtothethinlayerofself-approvalthattakes

upnospaceandisinfactreassuringtothe

Parents.)

Shamesays:

Ifyoustandupforyourself,yourejectthe

Parents.

Ifyourefusetofeellikeafailure,youwillcast

themasideandbeallaloneandlosetheirlove.

Theonlyoptionistobelieveyourunworthi-

nessinordertofeelsafe.

Theseforcesareactuallytellingyou:

Ifyouvalidateyourself,yourejecttheParents.

IfyouvalidatetheParents,yourejectyourself.

Whatahorribledilemma!Alose-losesituation!

ItistheInversionTrickatitsbest.Thelogicof

GuiltandShameisquitehardtobreakonce

youareundertheirspell.Theirgameisvery

clever;whentheybecometooharsh,theyfind

anicertoneofvoicetoconvinceyou.Guiltwill

convinceyouthatyouarejustbeingacaring

person–isn’tthatwhatyoushouldbe?Shame

willconvinceyouthatitissimplytellingyou

thetruth–whatelsecanyoubebutafailure?

Theysureareanastycouple.

Seehowtheykeepyoufromlovingyourself?

Howtheykeepyoufromfindingthetruth

aboutwhoyouare?Howcleverlytheykeepyou

dazedintheheadlights?

Iknow.Itisgettingabitdepressingnow.

Hangon.

We’llgettothegoodpartinawhile,Ipromise.

First,weneedtodiscussyetanothersource

ofconfusionthatkeepsyoufromentering

throughthegate.

Sotakeadeepbreathandpouryourself

anothercupoftea.(Iamhavingoneaswell.)

TheCommonBeliefs

Anotherobstacleingoingthroughthegate

istheCommonBeliefsaboutwhatisrightor

wrong.

TheCommonBeliefsarelikeasharedcon-

science,tellingusthingslike:it’sbadtosteal

orkill,it’sgoodtobekindandhaveChristmas

togetherwithyourfamily(justtonameafew).

DeeplyembeddedintheCommonBeliefslives

theideathatintheend,youshouldalwaystake

careoftheParents.

Nomatterhowtheymadeyoufeelorhowthey

treatedyou,nomatterhowhurtyoustillare,

thereseemstobethisresponsibility,thisguilty

obligationtobethegooddaughterorson.

(Don’tgetmewrong,whenthereisahealthy,

lovingrelationship,takingcareofeachotheris

neveraneffort.Butthenagain,thisbookisnot

reallyaboutthat,solet’smoveon.)

Actually,thisguiltyobligation,supportedby

theCommonBeliefs,ispartoftheTwo-step

Trick:ifyourejecttheParents,thereisnohope

lefttobefinallyloved.

Youwillbebadandlostforever.

Anditwouldbeyourownfault!

Soyouhideyourtruefeelings,hideyourhurt,

youranger,yoursmartnessandhonestyand

pickupthephoneforthatweeklycall.

TheTwo-stepTrickisnotjustapersonal

survivalmechanism;weareallinit.Weareall

affectedbythissharedconscience,playingon

ourguiltandourfearoflosinglove.It’severy-

where:inthemedia,intheadvertisements,in

commonremarkspeoplemake.

MovingpasttheCommonBeliefsisscary,

becausetheytellyouhowweshouldrelateto

eachother.Theyareliketherulesofthe(family)

clanyoubelongto.Imagineyouareoutthereon

yourown,withouttherulestoguideyou…

That’sfrightening!

Howwillyouknownowwhatisgoodorbad?

Howwillyouknowifyouarebraveandtrueor

infactamiserable,selfishperson?

Howcanyoutell?

Disobeyingtheclan’srulesisamovenottobe

takenlightly.Ittouchesonyourdeep,initial

fearofbeingabandonedandunloved.

Thefearofbeingwrongandbadafterall.

ThisispartofthereasonIwrotethisbook.

Toremindyouofyourowntruthandthatyou

arenotalone.Toremindyouthatyouarein

theendcontributingmoretotheclanbyfixing

yourhurtandclaimingyourfreedom...evenif

itmeansleavingittohealyourself.

Wehavediscussedtheguardsthattrytokeep

youfromthecontentofthefreezer;wehave

lookedatGuilt,ShameandthepowerofCom-

monBeliefs.

Timetofindoutwhattheyareprotectingso

Ahiddentreasure

RememberImentionedthepainofencoun-

teringtheunlove(thepoison)ofyourparents

whilebeingalittlegirlorboy?

Thepainoffeelingrejected,offeelingthreat-

ened,abandonedandhurtbytheoneswho

weresupposedtobeyoursafehaven?

Thisiswhatisinthefreezer:thiscorewound.

Ithurtdeeply.

Anditstilldoes.

Allthistimeyoutriedhardtoavoidthishurtby

becomingaBetterYou.Becauseyouwereafraid

tofindthebadyou,theonewhowasn’tloved,

theonewhowasn’tworthit.

Anddeeperstill,

therealizationthattherewasnolove.

Nolove,nosafety,nowarmth,noembrace.

Ifeellikebeingsilentforamoment...

Soyoucanjustbreatheandfeelthisfor

yourself.

Forifyoudonotrushoverit,youmayfindyou

areabletostaywiththisunlove.Tolookatit

andsimplystay.

Keepbreathing.

Andperhaps,then,youcanalsoseethis:

Theremaybepain.Butitwasneveryourfault.

Theremayhavebeennoloveinthisparticular

place.

Butitwasn’tyourfault.

Itmayfeelliketherewasaterrifyinggapbe-

tweenyouandtheParents.Youdidn’tcauseit.

Itwasn’tbecauseofyou.

ItwastheParents’woundednessthatfoundits

waytoyou.Itiswhathappens.Butitwasnot

causedbyyou.Theirpainwasneveryourfault.

Haveyoueverlookedintheeyesofa

threeyear-oldandfoundanythingelsebut

innocence?Theseareyoureyes.

Howcouldyoueverhavebeenthecauseof

pain?ThepainfeltbytheParentswasalready

theirs,justspillingoutonyou.Youcould

neverhavesavedthem,forthey can only save

themselves.

Youtriedsomethingthatwasimpossible.

Youareguiltless,unmarredandperfectly

sound.

Sitwiththisforawhile.Letitsinkin.

Takeawalkorsitinacomfychair.

Realizeyouarelovablethroughandthrough

andallgood.

Safeinyourcore.Home.

3GoingThrough

Youmayhavefeltsome(orhuge!)reliefafter

weinvestigatedwhatishiddeninthefreezer

inthepreviouschapter.(Orperhapsyouare

notconvincedyet…whichisfineaswell.)

SeeingthatyouareinfactWholeandLovable

canbringafeelingofdeeprelaxationand

lightness.

Youareokay!

Andyoudon’thavetodoanythingtobeokay!

Thereisnothingwrongwithyou!

Youarecompleteandfaultless!

(Whichbythewaydoesn’tmeanyouareexclu-

sivelybeautiful,good,shinyandbright.You

arealsogrumpy,irritatingandannoying,and

yousteponpeople’stoeseveryonceinawhile.

Butthat’sjusttheweather.Justthatdelicious

varietythatisthespiceoflife.

Withouttheunderlyingbeliefthatyoushould

bedifferent(meaningmorelovable),thisisno

problem.Soenjoybeinghuman;-))

Whetheryoufeltamomentofreliefornot,go-

ingthroughthegateisobviouslynotjustabout

enjoyingoneclearmoment.Itisinfactaradi-

cal,lastingchangeinhowyouviewyourself.

Tobringsomeclarityanddirectionintothis

radicalprocess,hereareThreeImportant

StepsthatIfoundtobecrucialingettingpast

thegate.

Tobehonest,theyarenotreallysteps,asyou

willfindout;thewholethingismerelyamys-

teriousunfolding,movinginspirals,unpre-

dictableyetperfectlysensible,followingits

own,organiccourse.

Butthisisabook.

Andthemindlovesthingstobeclearand

orderly;-).

LikeThreeStepsLeadingSomewhere.

Solet’ssticktostepsinthisbook,justforthe

sakeofclarity.

Iwillexplainallabouttheminthiscoming

chapter.

youmaywanttowalkyourdog,cuddleyour

catorstretchyourbackforamomentbefore

weplungeintothefirstSteptogether.

Iamgladyouarestillwithmesofar…hug!

StepOne:Acknowledgingyourchildhoodhurt

Thatsoundslikeabigone.Andyes,itis.:-)

Itisthepartoftheprocessinwhichyoucon-

nectwiththeemotionsthatfoundtheirwayto

thefreezer.Likefeelingabandoned,unloved,

lost,rejectedorshamed.

Toreleasetheseoldpains,youneedtofirst feel

and validatethem.Asin:really,deeplyallowing

yourhiddenchildhoodfeelingstosurface.

Thisiscrucial,becauseinskippingthisstep,

youwillbeskippingoverthevalidationof

yourself.

Youwillstilldenythewounddeepinside.

Soonlywhenyouarewillingtotrulyfeelthe

frozenemotions,withoutholdingback,willthe

icebegintomelt.

AndonlythenyoucandismantletheTrick.

Yousee,

onlywhenyoudeeplyacknowledgeyourfeel-

ingsdoyouacknowledgeyourself.

(Thisisactuallyquiteadeepsentence,ifImay

sayso.Thinkitthroughforamoment!)

Theamazingthingaboutemotionsandfeel-

ingsisthat,oncefeltandexpressed,theymove

on.Theysimplytransformanddissolve.

Butyouneedtogettotheheartoftheemotion

first–openingtoitnotonlyinyourmind,but

physicallyaswell.Emotionsneedtobe

expressed,tasted,criedoveranddigested

beforetheycantransforminpeaceful

spaciousness,leavingyourelievedandopen.

(Well,youknowhowitfeelsafteragood,

noisy,snottycryandspeakingupaboutwhat

hasbeenbotheringyou:itfeelslikeaweight

hasbeenliftedfromyouandyourheartcan

breatheagain.)

Soundspositivesofar.

BUT IT FEELS SO SCARY!

TERRIFYING!

WHY GO THERE!

(Well, hello Fear! I was expecting you, actually.

Have a seat. You can have 7 sentences to

ventilate.)

(...Thanks. Only 7?!)

(Yes. Go ahead.)

(Okay...)

Whatifitwillcompletelyoverwhelmme?!

Whatifithurtstoomuch?!

Whatifitturnsoutitwasallmyfault

afterall?!

AdmittingmypainwillbetraytheParents!

AnddestroymyHappyChildhoodStory!

AndmyFamilyFairyTale!

Itcan’tbedone,Iwillbedestroyed!

(Okay, thank you.)

Thesearethefearsthatmaycomeupintalk-

ingaboutconnectingwithyourchildhood

pain.Thefearsyoufeltasachild.

Thegoodnewsisthatyouarenotachildany

Youaregrown-upandcapable.

Youwillbeso,socapableofhandlingthese

emotions.Andsovery,veryrelievedonceyou

welcomethem!Especiallythedeepfeelingsof

beingwronged,humiliated,rejected–thestuff

youhaveperhapspushedasideaschildishand

unworthyofyourattention.

Besides,youdon’thavetogodownthere

alone.

Iwouldevenstronglyadviceyounotto.

Youdoneedsomesupport!

Iwillexplainwhy.

Guidanceandsupport

Processingemotionsisbestdoneunderguid-

anceinasafesurrounding,likeinagroupset-

ting,orjustyouwithatherapistorcoach.

Itisvery,veryhelpful.

Whynotjustdoitbyyourself?

BecausetheTrickissimplytooclever,itwill

outsmartyouatsomepoint.

Becauseyourfearmaybetoounsettling.

Becauseyouneedreassuranceandwarmth

intheplaceswhereitgetstoocoldforyouto

moveon.

Rememberthatallthisstuffisofaveryyoung

age.Itneedstobeabletoexpressitselffully

andfeelwelcomeindoingso.

Beinginagroupmaysoundlikenotyourcup

oftea.

Butbelieveitornot,itisthebestplacetobe

whendealingwiththesefeelings.

Youwillfindsupport,recognition(youarenot

theonlyonefeelingthisway)andloadsoflove

andrespectcomingyourway.Thisiscrucialin

seeingthroughtheTrickthatlikestoconvince

youthatyouareunlovableandlessthanothers.

Sograntyourselfthegiftofbeingguidedand

supported.

Especiallyinthebeginningwhenallisnew

andscary.

Itwillallowyoutolookintoyourselfandfind

yourtruehome.Withouthavingtoworry

aboutmuchelse.

Sparklyangels

Itisnotonlypainfulfeelingsthatmeltinthis

process.

OnceyousayYestoyoursuppressedfeelings,

youwillnoticesomesparkly,radiantangels

findingtheirwaybacktoyou.

yourlightness

yourtrust

yourplayfulness

yourboldness

yourjoy

Alltheselovelygiftsthatwentintohiding

intheactofSuppression-and-Inversion,can

re-emerge,andtaketheirrightfulplaceinthe

frontseatagain.

Rightnexttoyou.

Whenthishappensyoumaybecomeaware

ofafamiliarandyetunfamiliarsoundfilling

theair.

It’snotthecarradio.

Itisyourheartsinging!

Theseangelsareawonderfulbonus,remind-

ingyouofyourlovelynature,quickeningthe

processevenmore.

Onemorething

Validatingandprocessingyourchildhoodhurt

willnothappenovernight.Ithasmanylayers,

manydepths,offeringyounewdiscoveriesand

shinygemsovertime,hugeonesandsmall

ones.Itisanongoingprocessthatmayeven

takealifetime!

Yourinnerwoundwillheal,butwillalwaysbe

partofyourtissue.(Likethescarofaphysical

wound.)

Alwaysinvitingyoutofindtruthanddigdeep-

er.Tonotsettleforless,butfindthedeepLove

thatyouareatthecoreofyourbeing.

Idonotwanttosoundlikethehairadvertise-

ment,butyoudodeserveit.

Itiswhoyouare.

Here’ssomethingItoldmyselfsometimes

whilegoingthroughtheprocess:

“Ifthereisanyonewhocandothis,itisyou.”

NotthatIhadanyqualificationstounderline

Iguessitwastheboldnessofthesentencethat

triggeredsomethinginme.

Adeeplongingtomeetmypoweratlast.

Andtolooktheotherwaynolonger.

StepTwo:LearningtobecomeanInnerParent

Sonowwehavecometothesecondstep.

FirstIwanttosaluteyouforyourbraveness

forreadingallthisstuff.Wediscussitina

lightway,butinfactittouchesondeepand

painfulthings.

Somakesureyougetthatgulpoffreshair

everynowandthen–oraskforanencourag-

ingkiss,hugorstrokeontheback(justfrom

whoeverisavailable).

Or...simplyhavealittlebreakinwhichyou

lookaroundandrealizeyouarestillonplanet

Earth.

Ijustwalkedmydogintherain(withthe

wrongshoesonmyfeet)andImustsayitputs

thingsinperspective.;-)

Wheneveryouareready,let’slookintothe

nextstepofGoingThroughtheGate.Thisstep

isaboutdismantlingtheTrickbylearningto

loveyourselfagain.Infactitisaboutreversing

theInversionTrick.Whichmeans:

Insteadofhatingyourselfyouloveyourself.

Insteadofdistrustingyourselfyoutrust

yourself.

Insteadofleavingyourselfyoustickby

yourself.

Howdoesthiswork?!Howwillyoubeableto

dothat?

Imentioneditintheheaderalready;

byactivelybecomingyourownInnerParent.

Yousee,thereisstillthislittlechildinsidethat

isscaredandfeelsunloved.Apersonthatnever

reallyaged(becauseofthefrost).Itstillwaits

fortheloveoftheParents.

Itneedssomeonewho:

Reallylistens

Takesitsneedsseriously

Validatesitsfeelings

Standsupforit

Lovesitimmensely

TheParentswerenotabletogiveyouthisback

then,andthereisnowayyoucanchangethe

Althoughyouknowthis,youstillsomehowat-

tempttoearntheirlove,don’tyou?Evenwhen

theyhavepassedaway,youstilltrytoprove

yourworthiness,beitnowtotheworld.

Thisisbecausethelittlechildinyoustillbe-

lievesit can only heal through their final recogni-

tion of who you are.

Thetruthis,thatwillneverhappen.

Thatsoundscold,butrealizingthiscanalso

wakeyouupfromyourchildhooddream.

Andinviteyoutogobeyond,whereyouwill

findanevendeeperlove,alovethatencom-

passesall.

ThelittleyouwillnotbehealedbytheParents,

norbyanyotherperson.Evenifallthelove

andrecognitionyoucraveforisgiventoyou

rightnow,youwouldn’tbeabletoreceiveit.

Infactnooneoutthereisfitforthejob

because…youcametobelieveyouarenot

lovable.

Thisbeliefislikeaholethatcannotbefilled

fromtheoutside.

No-oneelsegetspastthatBelief.

Nolover,nofriendorchildcouldeverfixyou.

(Wealwayshopeforthemto,butitnever

works.)

Thisleavesonlyonesuitablecandidate:

TheBigandAdultYou.

Theonethatpaddledtheriverandisreading

thesewords.

Whyareyoutheperfectcandidate?

Becauseonly youcanseethroughtheTrickand

dismantleit.

Becauseonly youcanchangeyourownbeliefs.

Because youaretheonewhoneedstodiscover

thelovelinessthatyouare.

(Mostofusknowthatalready.)

Becauseyouknowexactlywhatyourinner

childneeds.

Somemorereasons:

Takingcareofyourselfaddstremendouslyto

yourwell-being.Listeningtowhatyoureally

wantisamazinglyinspiring.Beingkindto

yourselfinsteadofbeatingyourselfupchanges

yourlife.

Youarealwaysavailable,nevernotthere.

Youdonotneedsomeoneelsetofulfilyour

needs.Whichisbig,becauseitwillsetothers

freeaswell.

But…isn’tthisjustanotherTrick?

Yes!Itis!

Itisdefinitelyanothertrick.

Atemporaryconstructiontohelpyoulove

yourselfagain,andhealyourinnerwound.

YounameonepartofyoutheInnerParent,

andanotherparttheInnerChild.Andset

themuptoloveeachother.

Iwasabitworriedaboutitmyself,thisset-

upthing.(AndIadmittheInnerChilddoes

soundveryNew-Agey;-))

Butitworks.

Ifounditworksamazinglywell.

AndI’veseenitworkwondersinotherstoo.

Sowhynotuseit?

Intime,whenthewoundbeginstoheal,when

theParentandChildinyouhavebonded,they

becomeone.

Likeafluid,organicpresenceinyourheartand

belly.

Whenthathappens,theconstructionisno

longerneeded.

Whatisleftisyouinonepiece.

(Andeventhisonepiecemaybecometrans-

parentovertime.Butlet’snotgetaheadof

things).

TheInnerParentandtheInnerChild

SowhatexactlyisanInnerParentandwhatis

anInnerChild?

Inmanywaysyouarealreadyaninnerparent.

Likewhenyouwanttoeatthatwholejarof

cookies,butyoutakeonlyone.(Okay.Three).

Youmaywanttoswearreallyloudlyandhit

someonewhoisinyourwaywhenyouarein

aserioushurry.Insteadyousaysomething

politeandwait‘tilyoucangetpast.

WecouldsaythattheInnerParentistheone

whoknowshowitworksintheworld.

Orknowsenough,anyway.

Theonewhocanmakethingshappenina

matureway.

Theonewhohasallthisexperienceandisable

tolookaheadandplanthings.

YourInnerChildistheSensitive,Feelingside

ofyou.

Partofitiswounded,frozenandinneedof

care,warmthandencouragementinorderto

participateinyourlifeagain.Oncedefrosted

andatease,beingitsnaturalself,itoffersthe

giftsImentionedearlier:

(thekindofjoythatcomesupfornoreason)

Uncomplicatedforwardness

Contentment

Creativity

Innocence

(It’salongerlistbutIalwaysskiplonglistsin

booksmyself.)

ThehealedInnerChildisallthat.

It’stheintuitive,feelingqualityinyourself.

Itisyourheart’ssong,yourspark,agelessand

authentic.

Howeveressential,itcannotactintheworld.

Itmerelyis.

SoyouneedthatAdultYou,aliastheInner

Parent,togetoutthereandbethesensible

Theonewhoisabletomakeithappen.

Likeanartistwhoneedsinspiration(Inner

Child)butalsohastobuythepaintand

materialstoputitintoform(InnerParent).

BecomingtheInnerParentislikegrowingup

emotionally.

Yousee,thereisstillthisideathatyouhaveto

waitfortheParents(ortheworld)totellyou

thatyouareokay.Togiveyoupermissionto

becomehappyandfulfilled.Permissiontolive

yourownlifefully,tobewhoyouarewithout

apologizing.

Thiswaitingputsyouonhold.

Likeyouneedtofixthingsfirstbeforeyouare

allowedtoenjoyyourself.Thereyouare,tool-

boxinyourhand,postponingforeveryourtrip

totheBahamas.

Inacknowledgingyourchildhoodhurtand

becomingyourInnerParentyouhealyour

guiltandemotionaldependence.

Youhealthedeephurtatthecoreofyour

being.

Youmeetyourownfearsandawkwardnessas

long-lostfriends.

(Ifeellikerepeatingthislastsentence.)

Whatloving,powerfulthingstodo!

Bynolongerdiminishingyourself,youcan

finallyenjoyyourgoodness.Yourtalents,your

colors.

Evenwhentheyareweirdandquirky.

InnerParenting

SowhatdoesInnerParentinglooklike?

Howdoyouparentyourself?

Thefirstthingyouneedtodoisconnectwith

thesmallpersoninyou,theInnerChild.

Thesecondistomaintainandnurturethat

connection.

ConnectingwithyourInnerChildisperhaps

morecomplicatedthanyouthink.Youhadto

ignoreitsneedsforalong,longtime,andyou

needtobuildtrustandsafetybeforethetwoof

youcanbond.

MeetingyourInnerChildcanbeincredibly

touchingandbeautiful,butitdoestakecour-

ageanddeterminationtofinallyembracethis

vulnerablepartofyourself.Rememberitwas

once(andstillmaybe!)yoursurvivalinstinct

tosuppressitspresence.

Again,itcanbehelpfultodothisunder

guidance,preferablyinagroup,offeringyou

thesupportandencouragementyoumay

needtoreachout.

ConnectingwithyourInnerChildisnot

somethingthathappensinthemind.

Itisaveryphysical,groundingexperience.

Acell-tissue-and-bonechanger!

Onceyouhaveopenedthefreezerandmelted

andclaimeditscontent,itislikeanessential

chunkofyouthatwasmissingreturns.

Theholeyoufeltinsidenowfillsupwith

somethingdeeplyfamiliar,awarmandplayful

presence.

But,asitgoes,withoutnurteringthispres-

ence,theoldTrickmaybecomeactiveagain,

andlureyourightbackintoyouroldbeliefs

aboutyourself.

EvenafterthePrinceandPrincessarehappily

marriedforeverafter,workingonagood

relationshipisfundamentaltostayingopen

andhappy.(Somehowtheyalwaysforgetto

mentionthatinfairytales.)

Itsimplytakespracticeandmaintenance!

Asoftenasyoucan!

Infact,youcanpracticebondingwithyour

InnerChildallday:

Bytakingyourselfseriouslyinsteadof

ridiculingwhateveryoudo.

Byencouragingyourselfandtakingmany

momentstogiveyourselfaninnerhug.

Bybeingkindtoyourselfwhenyoufeelsad,

jealous,stupid,unattractiveorafailure.

Bynotbetrayingyourselfbyplayingsmallwhen

youarenot.

Bynotdepartingfromyourselfwheninthe

companyofothers.

Bytrustingwhatyoudo.

BysayingNotowhatyoudonotfeellike

doing.

BysayingNotopeoplewhomakeyou

frequentlyunhappyandYestopeoplewho

loveorappreciateyou.

Bystandingupforyourtruth.

BytakingthetimetolistentoyourInner

Child.

Whatworkswellistohaveatleastonemo-

mentadaywhenyouphysicallyconnectwith

yourInnerChild.WhatImeanwiththisis

sensingitspresence,almostlikeyoumake

roomforherorhiminyourbody.Imagine

holdingit,huggingit,takinginitsloveliness

andaliveness.(Agoodmomentforthiscanbe

inthemorning,justafterwakingup,orright

beforeyougotosleep.)

Someadviceperhaps:

Goodparentingdoesn’tmeantreatingyour

InnerChildlikeaninfant.It’snotahelpless

creaturethatyoutalktoinafunnyvoice.This

isactuallystillignoringorbelittlingtheau-

thentic,boundless,agelessYou.

Beawareofthis.

TruthisequallyimportantasLovetoyour

InnerChild.Sheorhewillknowwhenyou

belittle,ignoreoraredishonest.Itwillfeel

betrayedbythat(asitshould).

Anotherpointworthmentioning:

NoneedtoeducateyourInnerChild.

Youmadeittothegrownupworldalready:-)

ThesoleroleoftheInnerParentistohold,

loveandaccommodate:tonurtureandbring

backtolifeyourauthentic,playfulself.

Havingsaidthis,let’smoveontoinvestigate

someofthepitfallsinInnerParenting....

Wheneveryouareready.

ConfusingtheInnerParentwiththeInnerChild

Truthtobetold,InnerParentingcanbequite

achallengeinthebeginning.

Onecommondifficultyisbeingconfused

aboutwhotheInnerParentis.Whatoften

happensisthatyouthinkyouaretakingcare

ofyourInnerChild,whileyouareactuallynot.

Thisiswhy:

Afteryouwerewoundedasalittleone,you

mayhavealreadycreatedanadult.Alittlefour

year-oldfakeadult!

Yousee:

Partofyoudisappearedintothefreezer.

Anotherpartbecamethecaretakerofthe

Parents.

Itturneditselfinaminiadult,tryingtobe

strong.

InordertosavetheParents,youmayhave

believedtheyneededyoutobe:

-positiveandlight

-calmingandreassuring

-thewiseone

-easy(havingnoneedsyourself)

-theonetakingcareofthemphysically

-theonedetectingtheirneedsandfulfilling

-anallyagainsttheMeanWorld

Recognizeanyofthem?

Infact,youbecametheirmissingparent.

Presently,readingthisbook,youmaywantto

healyourownInnerChild,andmayacciden-

tallyactivatetheminiadulttodothejob.

Thisisboundtogowrong.

IrememberdoingexactlythiswhenIstarted

toworkwithmyInnerChild.Ibecameamini

adult.ItexhaustedmeandonedayIburstout

intotears(nowatthattimeIoftendidthat,but

Istillrememberthisparticularone).

Ididn’tfeeluptothetask!

Ifeltsoterriblysmallanddepleted!

Whowasever–finally–goingtotakecareof

Actually,thiswasnotmyInnerAdultspeak-

ing,butmyminiadult.Whowasstillvery

youngandverymuchinneedofcareherself.

Ijustautomaticallypresumedthiswasmy

AdultSelf.

Fortheminiadult,parentingislikeasacrifice.

Ajobthatbetrayssomethingdeepinside.

Theminiadultmayfeelrewardedwhenthe

Parentsarethankful.Itisthebonusitlivesfor.

Butdeepdownitfeelsaloneandabandoned.

Whentheminiadultfeelsithastotakecare

oftheInnerChild(itsnewassignmenttoday)

itmayworkitselfuptothetask.Butitmay

secretlyhatetheInnerChildaswell.Another

greedysomeonewhoneedsattentionfirst!

Wheneveryoufeelyou’renotuptothetaskof

InnerParenting,youcanbesureitisthelit-

tleadultthatislettingyouknowitneedscare

itself.

Remember,thelittleadultisactuallythe

woundedInnerChilddressedupinadult

clothes!

SowhothenistheTrueInnerParent?

Wheretofinditinyourself?

TheTrueInnerParentisavailablethemoment

theInnerChildislovedbyyou.

Bitofabraintwister.

Whatitmeansis:

TheTrueInnerParentisalreadypresentinyou,

effortlessly.Itissimplythegrown-upyou,plus

yourabilitytolove.

Thegrown-upyou=theonecapableofputting

onclothes,payabillorgotothestoretobuy

spaghetti.

Yourabilitytolove=thatwide,spaciousfeel-

inginyourchestthatmakesyouwanttohug

somebody.Orananimal.Orathing.

Themomentyoucanlovinglyseeorfeelyour

InnerChild,youaretheInnerParent.

(WhichisnotdifficultsinceyourInnerChildis

veryadorableandcute,justlikeyou.)

Ifyoufeelnoloveorunderstanding,ordonot

feelyourInnerChild,youareunderthespell

oftheTrick,lookingwithcriticaleyes.

WheneverInnerParentingfeelslikeaneffort:

sitdownandtakecareofyourminiadult.

Giveitloveandunderstanding.

Tellitthatitcanbeachildnow.

Soyoucanbethewonderful,capableadultyou

alreadyare!

Earningthet-shirtofTrueInnerParent

BondingwithyourInnerChildislikelearning

anewskill.Whichiswonderfulbutalso

frustratingsometimes.

-YoumayoftentotallyforgetaboutyourInner

Child.

-Youmaygetfrustratedbecauseyoucan’tcon-

nectwithit.

-YoumaybedisappointedbecauseyourInner

Childissadandsilent.

Justkeeptrying.

Itisamatterofbuildingtrustfirst.

Whenthelittleyoufeelssafeandinvited,she

orhewillcomealivemoreandmore.

SomeInnerChildrenarequicktorespond,

otherscanremainsilentorfrozenforquitea

whilebeforeyoureallyconnect.

Asdidmine.UntilIrealizedIwasactually

stillnotentirelyfocusingonher,forfearofthe

rejectionofmymotherthatthatmightentail.

Priorityiskey!

Youcan’tdoitbyhalves,throwingsome

sweetsdownthefreezerfromtimetotime.

Healingthewounddemandsyourfulldedica-

tionandcare.

Itcouldalsomeanthatwhileyouarelearning

toloveyourInnerChildyouneedtotakesome

–orquitesome!–distancefrompeoplewho

keepyoulockedinguiltoruneasiness.

yourmother

yourfather

otherfamilymembers

peoplewhotriggeryoutoomuch(needy,un-

friendly,bullyingorboringones)

Iknow.Thisisveryscary.Itmeansyoureally

standupforyourselfnow.

Andtakerisksindoingso.

Likeriskingbeingthrownoutoftheclan.

Riskingdeeplyhurtinganddisappointingthe

Parents.

YourInnerChildwillbedelightedthough.

(Yes,itwillbescaredatfirst,butwhenyou

takethelead,itwillcometotrustyouand

flourish.)

Ihavefoundthatpracticalsteps,liketaking

distanceorspeakingyourtruth,arecrucialin

bondingwithyourInnerChild.

DaringtosayNotomymotherfinallymade

LittleEstherwakeupfromthedead.Ihad

shownherItrulycared.Nomattertheconse-

quences.

Shefeltsafenow.

StepThree:EstablishingSelfLove

Welcometothethirdstep!

Happytohaveyoustillhere:-)

Afteryouhavegonethroughtheprocessofthe

firsttwosteps,younoticeachangeinyourself.

Youfeellighter,happier,moreconfident.Now

thatyourinnerwoundishealingandyouare

supportingyourselfinsteadofbringingyour-

selfdown,awonderfulshifttakesplace.

Itislikeyourleakingboatismendedandyou

finallydidthesailingcourse.Andfindthat

youareprettygoodatsurfingthewaves!Pretty

goodatbeingyou!

Andofcoursestuffwillstillsurface:Yourold

friendGuiltmaypayyouavisit,CousinShame

maytrytogetagriponyouagain.Youmay

feelsadoraloneattimes.

Butthesearemerelycloudspassingby.

YouknowhowtogetHomenow.

YouknowhowtoreversetheTrickandwarm

yourownheart.

Intheenditisnotaboutlivinghappilyundera

spotlesssky(thereisnosuchthing).

ItisnotaboutbeingfreefromtheTrickatall

times(rememberthescartissue).

Itissimplyaboutfeelinggoodinyourself

(evenwhenyoufeelbatteredorsombre).

Deeply,simplygood.

EstablishingSelfLoveissinkingdeeperand

deeperintherealitythatyouaresafe.Safein

thisever-changing,movingriveroflifethat

willeventuallytakeeverythingfromyou,but

neverthis.

Andyoucanstillfeelscared!

Aboutlosingyourlovedones.

Aboutlifeending.

Aboutyourcataging.

Aboutchangeingeneral.

Butunderneathyoumaynoticethisokay-ness.

Likeawarmsmile,lightingupyourcells.

ItistellingtheTrickitcanretirenow.

Thatitsserviceisnolongerrequired.

Withoutevenblinking.

Thejoyofnolongerdiminishingyourself

Everytimeyourememberyourokay-ness,itis

liketinybubblesofjoyemerging,thesheerjoy

of…beingokay!

Whenyouarenolongerhelddownbya

CriticalVoice,isitamazinghowyourtalents

finallygetthegreenlight.

Iusedtobeatmyselfuponaregularbasis.

IdidthatingeneralbutespeciallywhenIwas

creatingthings.LikewhenIwaswriting.

Itwasn’talackofideasholdingmeback,but

thewhispersofGuiltandShamethatfilledmy

head,askingmehowIcouldeverthinkthat

peoplewouldcareaboutwhatIwassaying.

Thisreallychangedaftergoingthroughthe

Inowlovetheprocessofputtingdownmy

thoughts.AndIamstillamazedaboutthe

silenceinmyhead.

Nocomments.

Justspacetocreate.

Wearealltalented.Insomanyways.

Talentssooftenwastedbybelievingwearenot

goodenough.Sooftenridiculedbyourown

fearofbeingrejected.

Theyarelikeplantskeptinadarkroomwithout

watering.

Lovingyourselfagainislikefinallyopening

thewindows,puttingnewsoilintheplantpots

andwatchingthemgrow.

Whatwillthriveandblossom:

-yourgifts

-yourpower(we’llgettothatinamoment)

-yourtruecolors

Youneednotbecomesuccessfulorlovedby

theworld.

YouneednoapplauseorathousandLikes.

OthersmaynotevennoticetheBigChange

insideofyou.

Whatismostimportantisthejoyyoufeelin

yourselfbybeingyou.

Therestisoptional.

Meetingyourpower

RemembertheangelsImentionedthatcome

aliveinthedefrostingprocess?

Abundantqualitieslikeboldness,lightness

andtrust?

Thereisanotherqualitycomingforwardonce

youestablishyourSelfLove(orperhapsyou

alreadybumpedintoitalongtheway).

Notanangel.

ItisyourPower,theunwaveringone.

Theonethatcouldkillifnecessary.

It’syourrawanger.

Itlivesdeepdowninyou,andcarriestremen-

dousstrength.

Itistheoneyouhidawaybehindveilsoflittle

flowersandpoliteness.Theoneyoupretendto

beshockedabout.

Thatyoubanishedtotheworldofbadpeople.

Infact,itistheonebringingyouhome.You

needittocutthecords,tostandupagainst

GuiltandShame.Tostayawake!

Youneedittoclaimyourrighttobe.

Don’tbeafraidofit.

Don’tlettheTrickconfuseyou,tellingyouthat

youshouldalwaysbereasonableandkind(the

gooddaughterorson).Daretobedangerous.

Daretobepowerful.

Takeupspace.Youoweittoyourself.

Polishingthegeminside

EstablishingSelfLoveissimplyabout

rememberingyouaresafeinyourself.

Tworeminders:

1.Tellyourself(often)thatyouareAlready

2.CallonyourPowerwhenyougetcaughtup

inthefloweryveil.

Forexample(1)

WhenevermymindspinsoffinaTrickstory

andatacertainpointIwakeup(mostlybe-

causeIbegintofeelsad,orphanedorform-

less),Isay:

“But…youwerehomealready!Youarefine!”

Itpropelsmerightbackintomyself.

Forexample(2)

WhenInoticeIamshatteredandlosemyself

intheneedsofothers(mostlybecauseIbegin

tofeelstressed,unfocusedorirritated)I

remembermyPower.

Itcutsthroughthefloweryveilinnotime.

Puttingmeonmyowntwofeetagain.

(Justsoyouknow:Don’tthinkthatI

rememberthisallthetime.Iforgetandthen

rememberagain….itisanongoingpracticethat

allowsyoutobecomebetterandbetteratit.)

Question:

Butwhydoyouforget?

Howcanyougetentangledwhenyouhave

arrivedalready?

Goodquestion.

Iguess...

breakingahabitofalifetimeisn’teasy.

Ittakesdedication,willingnessandwork

(asmentionedbefore).

EstablishingSelfLoveislikeattendingtoa

beautifulrose.

Itneedscare,attention,warmthandlight.

Andweeding.

Sodoyou.

Andwhatismoresatisfyingthanlookingafter

somethingprecious?Todedicateyourlifeto

findingandpolishingthegeminside?Itisthe

bestyouhavetooffer,it’syourhappinessand

beauty,thepricelesstruthaboutwhoyouare.

4PasttheGate

Sohereweare,youandme.

Standinginawideopenfieldbeyondthegate,

asoftbreezetouchingourskin.Wemaylook

intoeachother’seyesandseenotwhatwe

need,butwhatweare.

Thereisdeeploveandfreedominthis.

Pastthegate,allisdifferentandyetallisthe

same.Everythingchangedandyetnothingdid.

Youarestillgoodoldyou.

Youarestillmoodyandstressed.

Stillcan’trememberyourbanknumber.

Youmaystillfeelsadaboutthelossofthe

Parents,aboutlettinggoofthesafeclan,

thesafestory.

Youmayfeelaloneyetpowerful.

Freeandstrong.

Readytowalkthisnewland.

youmayfeeltrappedagainafterawhile,

encounteringevendeeperlayersofunlove,

cloudingyournewfoundfreedom.

Thisisnotaset-back.Itismerelyasignof

progress.

Itisexactlyhowitshouldbe.

Layersofunlove

RememberImentionedthatthethreeStepsof

goingthroughthegatewereintruthamysteri-

ousunfolding,movinginspiralsinsteadofan

orderlypathgoingsomewhere?

Thereisneverarealmomentofarriving.

Thereisonlyameltingofresistanceandalet-

tinggo.

Inthismeltingprocess,yourself-imagecrum-

Yousee,yourself-imagewascreatedbythe

Two-stepTrick,amind-modeledhouseof

cardswithalotofexclamationmarkswritten

alloverit.

Someofthesebeliefsaboutwhoyouarecrum-

blewhilegoingthroughthegate,othersmay

onlybereadytomeltinthewideopenspace

beyondit.

Sodonotfeeldiscouragedwhenstuffcomes

up.Anddon’tgiveuponyourself!

Takeabreathandbewillingtolookagain.Be

willingtofeelthehurtorthemistorthean-

geranddiverightin.Connectwithit,lookfor

truth.

Freedomcannotbefound;itwillfindyou

whenyouarereadytoletgo.Thisprocess

cannotberushed.

Deeperanddeeperyougo,embracingyet

morelayersofunlovewithin.Andeachtime

unloveismetandseenthrough,itislikeyou

dissolveaswell.

ThisiswhatIfound:

Whenyourinnerhouseofcardscrumbles,you

willnotfindasolidhouseunderneath.

Whatyouwillfindisemptiness.

Evermoving,filledtothebrimemptiness,in-

vitingyoutoletgoofthelastcard.

Andthat

anotheradventure.

Somelastwords

You’vecomeallthisway!

You’vemeltedwhatwasfrozen.

Grievedandcriedaboutwhatwasn’ttherefor

Healedyourcorewound.Lovedwhatwasonce

unlovedandfoundyourselfagain.

Itmayfeellikeyouhavesailedsoloaroundthe

world!

Infact

youhaven’tmovedaninch.

Yousimplyfreedyourbeliefs

aboutwhatwasneverdamaged,neverde-

stroyed.

Alwaysrighthere.

Yousee,youdidn’tbecomeaBetterYou.

YoujustbecameYou.

Andwiththesewords

we’vecometotheendofthisbook.

Adeepbowfrommetoyou.

PasttheGateWorkshops

If,afterreadingthisbook,youareinterestedin

attendingaPasttheGateWorkshopwithme,

pleasegotomywebsitewww.estherteule.comformoreinformation.

I’dlovetomeetyouinpersonsomeday!

Thank yousThankyouBethanyWebster(www.womboflight.com)forguidingmethroughthegateandencouragingmetogobeyond.Youwillbeinmyheartalways.ThankyoulovelyMorvanGroupforinspiringmetowritethisbookandsharingyourinnerworldswithme,youareawesome!ThankyouMaryandKirstyforreadingandeditingandsharingyourthoughtswithme,Isoenjoyedthat.ThankyouTirzaformakingmyworklookbeautiful,asalways,loveyou.ThankyouTraceyforlettingmeuseyouradorabledrawingforthecover.ThankyouRuudandFloor,Iloveyoubothbeyondwords...thankyouforyourfeedback,supportandlove!

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