Upload
others
View
1
Download
0
Embed Size (px)
Citation preview
1 Pastthegate~EstherTeule
Past the Gate
Esther Teule
A little book about finding freedom
Past the GateA little book about finding freedom
Coverillustration:TraceyLongwww.traceylong.co.ukGraphicdesign:TirzaTeulewww.tirza-teule.nlEditing:MaryMcAuleyandKirstyTomlinson
EstherTeule2015
by Esther Teule
3 Pastthegate~EstherTeule
For my daughter Floor
“Painandsufferingareakindofcurrency
passedfromhandtohand,untilthey
reachsomeonewhoreceivesthem,but
doesnotpassthemon.”
SimoneWeil
4 Pastthegate~EstherTeule
Whatthisbookisabout......................................................
1 Howitallhappened........................................................... LoveandPoison.................................................................. TheTwo-stepTrick............................................................. AlittlewordabouttheParents.......................................... Thestorycontinues............................................................ Justsoyouknow.................................................................
2 TheGate.............................................................................. GuiltandShame................................................................. TheCommonBeliefs......................................................... Ahiddentreasure...............................................................
3 Goingthrough.................................................................... StepOne:Acknowledgingyourchildhoodhurt............... Guidanceandsupport........................................................ Sparklyangels..................................................................... Onemorething..................................................................
StepTwo:LearningtobecomeanInnerParent.............. TheInnerParentandtheInnerChild............................... InnerParenting.................................................................. ConfusingtheInnerParentwiththeInnerChild........... Earningthet-shirtofTrueInnerParent..........................
StepThree:EstablishingSelfLove.................................... Thejoyofnolongerdiminishingyourself....................... Meetingyourpower........................................................... Polishingthegeminside...................................................
4 PasttheGate....................................................................... Layersofunlove.................................................................. Somelastwords..................................................................
Content
5
81016232427
28303337
4043485052
5461657075
78818486
899194
5 Pastthegate~EstherTeule
Whatthisbookisabout...
Ibelievethatthebiggestleapwecanmakein
ourselvesistofinallylovewhoweare.
Thismaysoundlikeanicebutuseless
sentence,pinkandfluffy,whenwhatyouneed
isadeepandradicalchange.
Somethingserious.
Infact,lovingyourselfatalltimesisthemost
revolutionarychangeyouwilleverexperience.
Beyondwhatyoucanimagine.
Iamnottalkingabouthighlightingthe
featuresinyourselfthatseemtodookayinthe
world.Orpumpingupyourself-esteem.
WhatIrefertoisdeeplylovingyourself.
6 Pastthegate~EstherTeule
Canyouhonestlysayyouloveyourself
rightnow?
Asin:completelyandfully?
Thatisprobablyhard.
Becausedeepdownyoumaybelievethatyou
arenotlovable.
Yousee…whenyoufeelyourself,youfeelthe
beliefsyouhaveaboutyourself.
Youmaynothavebeenabletoenjoybeingyou
much,becausethesebeliefscomefirst,plung-
ingyouintouncertaintyandconfusion.
Likethebeliefthatyouarenotgoodenough.
Thatyouarenotsmartorbeautifulenough.
Thatyouhavenorighttobehere.
Thatyouareunworthyandinvisible.
Thisisthetragedyweallcarrywithusin
ourcore.
Itleadstoalotofsuffering.
7 Pastthegate~EstherTeule
Awell-keptsecret,however,isthatthebeliefis
amistake.
Amistakethatyoucanseethroughandletgo
of,leadingyoupastthegateofyourself-hatred.
Itmeansyouthenfree-fallintoyourselfand
cannotbutlovewhatyouencounter.
8 Pastthegate~EstherTeule
1Howitallhappened
Howcomeyoudonottrulyloveyourself?
Whendidyoubegintobelievethatyouwere
notgoodenough?Howdidthathappen?
Youmaybelieveyouhavemanygoodreasons
nottoloveyourself:
Lookatmebeingsostupid!Lookatmeacting
soclumsy…
Iamsimplynottalentedenough,everybody
canseethat.
Lookatthatbellyinthemirror,how
disgusting!
Recognizethis?Thesecommentsthatmake
youfeellikeafailure?Thatmakeyoufeel
smallandpowerlessandbringyoudown?
9 Pastthegate~EstherTeule
Itisjustyourbelieftalking,lookingforevi-
dencetojustifyitself.Likeapairofunloving
eyes,lookingforfaultsandmishaps.Whose
eyesaretheseanyway?
Difficulttotell.
Becausetheonethatislistening(you)isnot
awareofthemessenger,butisparalyzed,like
arabbitcaughtintheheadlightsofacar.You
neverreallyquestionthesourceofthepainful
commenting.Youjustsuffer,lostinthegame
ofblamingyourself.
But:rightnowyouarereadingthisbookbe-
causeyounolongerwanttosuffer!
Younolongerwanttosufferandyoufeel
ready–atleastsortof;-)–tobreakthespell
andfindoutwhatitisthatiskeepingyou
trapped.
Solet’sinvestigatethissourceandhowit
endedupbeingsopowerfulinyourlife.
Forthat,weneedtogobackintime.
10 Pastthegate~EstherTeule
LoveandPoison
Imaginethis.
Onedayyouwerebornandgrewupwithyour
parentsorsinglemother,orsinglefatheror
othercaretakers...
Iwillcallthem,herorhim,theParentsfrom
nowon.
Youbondedwiththeminthemostintimate
way,frominfanttoteenager.
Theywereyoursafety,yourlovesource,your
role-models,yourfoodsuppliersandgiversof
everythingelseyouneededtosurvive
(evenwhentheydidn’tdoallofthesethings).
Theywereyourworld.
Yourparentsprobablylovedyouanawfullot.
Mostparentsdo.
11 Pastthegate~EstherTeule
WhatisalsotrueisthatmostoftheParents,
liketherestofus,arewoundedatthecore.
Theymayhavethesebeliefsaboutthemselves
thathurt.
Beliefstheymaynotevenbeawareof,forged
atanearlyage,hiddendeepinside.
Theymaysecretlybelievetheyareafailureand
theworldlooksdownonthem.
Theymaybelievetheycanneverhavewhat
theywantbecausetheydonotdeserveit.
Theymaybelievetheyneedtoworkhardto
earnrespect,feelingunworthywithin.
Bondingwithparentsisnotaselective
process.
Thereisnobufferbetweenyouandthem,
norescue.
Yougettheirloveandhurtinonepackage.
Receivingtheirloveislikeafertilizer,making
yougrowandflourish.Receivingtheirraw
hurtthough,isliketakinginpoison.
12 Pastthegate~EstherTeule
Whoa,thatsoundsserious.
Well,itis.
Yousee,thethingwithhurt–real,serious
hurtcomingfromadeepplace–is,thatit
needstobeprocessedinordernottobecome
toxic.
Whenhurtissuppressedinsteadofowned
(asin:beingfelt,understoodandgrievedover)
itwillindeedbecomelikeapoison,ahomeless
ghostlookingforvalidation,hurtingothersin
itsquestforacknowledgement.
TheParentsmaynotbeawareofthishappen-
ing,feelingtheyhaveburiedtheirpainsafely
inside,believingtheyarenotburdeningyou
withit.Theymayevenbeunawareoftheir
woundednessinthefirstplace.
Suppressedhurtwillalwaysbeprojectedout-
wards,claimingcare,specialtreatment,atten-
tion,respectandevenlove.
13 Pastthegate~EstherTeule
Oncepainisownedandprocessed,itmaystill
bepresent,but will no longer be passed on.
Likeithasfounditsrightfulhome,whereit
cancometorest.Itmayevenbecomeagift,
softeningthefabricoftheheart.
However
ifthisdidn’thappen,
theirhurtwillbepassedontoyou.
Okay.Let’stakeadeepbreathandinvestigate
thistoxicintakeforamoment...
Poison,aliasunprocessedhurt,comesinmany
flavors.
Itcanbedoledouttoyouovertlyorinmore
hiddenways–liketheParentsbeingcoldor
manipulativeinsteadofdoingthingslike
yellingandhitting.(Thehiddenwaysseem
lessbadsomehow,morecivilized.Idon’t
believetheyare.)
14 Pastthegate~EstherTeule
Somecommonflavors:
Rage.
Coldness.
Neglect.
Abuse.
Manipulation.
Thesearethemessagesthatareattachedto
them:
Rage:Ihateyou.
Coldness:Ican’tstandyou.
Neglect:Idon’tcareaboutyou.
Abuse:IneedyoutosufferlikeIdid.
Manipulation:Icanonlyloveyouifyoudoit
myway.
Terrifyingstufftotakeinasalittlehuman!
Especiallywhenyouaretoosmalltoputthings
inperspective:Nowisallthereis,whichis
Huge.
15 Pastthegate~EstherTeule
Youcannotprotectyourself,orrunaway.
Youfeellikeyouneedtocopeordie.
Thismayallsoundabitmelodramatictoyou.
(Itsurewasn’tthathorrible!)
Youmayfeelyouwanttorushinandmakethe
Parentslooklessbad.Liketheydidn’treally
meanit.Orcouldn’thelpactingthatwayback
then.Orrightnow.
Noticethat?
Everwonderedwhyyoualwaysexcusethe
Parents?Whywealldothis?
Youmayconfuseitwithlove.Butintruthitis
animportantpartofhavingbecomearabbitin
theheadlights.
Powerlessandfrozen.
Let’sfindoutwhy.
16 Pastthegate~EstherTeule
TheTwo-stepTrick
Whenyouexperiencesomethinglife-threat-
ening,orsomethingtoopainfultobear,your
minddoesthisthing.
Thistricktomakeyousurvivethesituation.
Actually,itisaTwo-stepTrickanditisquite
brilliant.Thisishowitworks:
ThefirststepistheTrickofSuppression.
Itsortoferasesyourmemoryofthetoo-terrify-
ing-experience.
Itisnotlikethememoryisforevergone,but
itispushedoutofyourconsciousnesssothat
youcansurvivethesituation.(Thishappens
forexampletowarvictims,ortosurvivorsof
seriousaccidents–youareprobablyfamiliar
withstorieslikethese.)
17 Pastthegate~EstherTeule
Inthecaseoflittle-youbeinginthePoison
Situation,thistricksuppressestheterrify-
ingtruththatthe source of love actually turned
against you.
Whichisashockinginsightwhenyourlife
dependsonitandthereisnowhereelsetogo.
Itis,infact,toounbearabletobetrue.
Soincomesthemindandsuppressesthis
insight.
Itburiesitdeepinside,inasmallfreezer.
Preferablywithabiglockonit.
Butitcannotmakeeverythinggoaway.
Thetasteoffearisstillthere,makingithardto
breathattimes.
Sonowthesecondstepkicksin:theTrickof
Inversion.
Thispartofthetrickreversesthetruth.Since
youneedtheParentstobetrustworthy,you
starttoblameyourself.
Thelogicgoeslikethis:
18 Pastthegate~EstherTeule
Whenthesourceoflove(theParents)turns
againstyou,itmeansitmustbeveryhardto
loveyou.
Youaresimplynotlovableenough,soitis
yourfault.
Itmeansyouneedtochangesotheycanlove
youagain.
Withthisinvertedlogicyounowhaveaway
out,ahopeforthingstoberightagain:allyou
havetodoisbecomeabetterperson!
Like:beingnicetomommyanddaddy,being
acutegirlorboy,nottakingupspace,being
easyandsunny,stoppingbeingneedy.Being
thestrongone.Notsayingwhatyoureallyfeel.
Notbeingyou.Beingwhattheywantyoutobe,
givingthemwhattheyseemtoneed.
Savingthem,pleasingthem.
Quiteataskforalittlechild!
19 Pastthegate~EstherTeule
Note:
Thisisnotatrickyoucomeupwithyourself.
Ithappensautomatically,withoutyouhavinga
choiceinthematter.
Sodonotwasteyourtimebelievingyoudid
thistoyourself.Ornotlikingyourselffor
havingbecomeinvisible.Oragoodliar.
Orapleaser.
Therewasnootherway.
Truly.
TheproblemwiththeTwo-stepTrickisthat
themindmakessurethejobiswelldone.It
makessureyouwon’tlookbackandfindoutit
wasjustastoryyoubelievedtokeepyougoing.
Youcometobelievethatsomethingiswrong
withyouandinordertobeloved,youneedto
makeaneffortnow.
20Pastthegate~EstherTeule
Thebeliefistellingyou:
-Whenyouareyourtrueself,theParentswill
behurt.
-Theyarehurtbecauseofyou.
-Ifonlyyouwereabetterperson,theywould
surelyloveyou.
-TheParentsareyoursourceoflove,youneed
themtosurvive.Youneedthemtoloveyou!
Inthemeantimethepainfulwoundinflicted
bytheirpoisonissleepinginthesecretfreezer,
coverednowwithshinycrystals.Yourwound
doesn’tcount,isn’tthere,isoutofsight,numb
withcold.
(Thismaysoundconvenientinaway–what
youcan’tfeel,can’thurtyou.ButIcanassure
youitisnot,intheend.
Becausedenyingyourhurtislikedenyingwho
youare,turningyouintoastrangertoyour-
self.)
21 Pastthegate~EstherTeule
Canyouseehowyoulostyournatural,loving
connectionwithyourself?
Howyoucametodistrustyourowngoodness?
Howyoubecametherabbitintheheadlights,
listeningtoyourinnercriticinstead?
WhatBigandComplexIssuesforalittlehu-
mantostrugglewith!
IthinkIneedacupofteanow,niceandhot
andreassuring.You?
22 Pastthegate~EstherTeule
Okay.Tosumitupsofar:
Withoutknowingit,youhadtoleaveyourself
tosaveyourself.
Youtriedtosaveyourselfbybecominga
BetterYou.
YoudidnotblametheParentsbecauseofthe
Suppression-and-InversionTrick.
Whatyouhadtoleavebehind:
-yourself-love(orabigchunkofit)
-yourtrueexpression
-trustinyourself
-thetruthaboutbeingdeeplyhurt
(thewoundinthefreezer)
AndtheTrickisstillplayingout,rightnow.
Becauseitwasnevertoldtostop.
23 Pastthegate~EstherTeule
AlittlewordabouttheParents
Whilereading,youmayhavefeltthatthe
Parentsdeservealittlemorerespect.
Andloveandunderstanding.
Andforgiveness.
(Especiallyifyouareaparentyourself,
likeme;-))
But:
RememberthattheParentsarejustlikeyou.
Theyareadaughterorasonaswell.
Andthisbookisaboutjustthat.
Can’tchangetheParents,canyou?
Butyoucanchangeyourself.
Soallowyourself
tofocusinwards
andletthisbeaboutYoufornow!
24 Pastthegate~EstherTeule
Thestorycontinues…
Lifewenton.Yougrewup,paddlingonlife’s
riverwithitsstrongcurrents,waterfallsand
wideopenpatches,yourbodyshapedintoa
man’sorwoman’s.
Youarebignow,andyouhavelearnedalotof
things.
You’vebeencourageousandveryadult,man-
agingyourlife.You’vebeendoingwellsofar!
Butdeepinside,thetrickisstillactiveandthe
woundstillfrozen.Thelieaboutwhoyouare
wasnevertrulyunraveledandseenforwhatit
was.
Yousee,theParentshavesimplybecomethe
world.Orviceversa.Theworldhasbecomethe
Parents.
Thesourceofloveandpoison.
25 Pastthegate~EstherTeule
Theworldis:
yourlover
yourfriends
yourfamily
yourneighbors
peopleatwork
peopleonthestreet
peopleanywhereonthisplanetandbeyond
peopleinyourhead
Theyarethenewmomanddad,whileyouare
stilltryingtobecometheBetterYou.Stillnot
athomeinyourself.
Inawaynothinghaschanged.
Notreally.
Ofcourse,
youmayhavefoundhappinessandpurpose
inyourlife,doingthingsyoulike,livingyour
adultlifeinawaythatsuitsyou.
Muchrespectforthat.
26Pastthegate~EstherTeule
Buttherealwaysseemstobeafamiliarpoint
thatyoucan’tgetpast.
Likethere’sagate,holdingyouback.
Agatethatremindsyouofsomethingunfin-
ished,somethingfearful.Somethingpainful
thatisn’tright.
Thisgatesignalswhatyouwereprogrammed
toavoid.Sowheneveryouaccidentally(oron
purpose)wanderinthatpartofyourgarden,
andsuddenlythegateappearsinfrontofyou,
youhurryback.
Backtosafety.
Notknowingthatthegateisyourportalto
freedom.
Solet’sbecourageousandhaveapeek.
Let’scheckoutwhatthegateisabout.
Shallwe?
27 Pastthegate~EstherTeule
First:Justsoyouknow
Haveyouanyideahowlovelyyouare?
Howamazinglyinventiveandsmart?
Howbeautifulanddeeplylovable?
(youmaywanttoreadtheselinesagain:-))
Iamnottalkingaboutperfection.
Perfecttowhom?
Youareaperfecthumanbeing,
toograndtofitinanydescription.
Youarealreadythebestyoucanbe.
Anddonotbelievethatautomaticthought
thatyouarenot.
28 Pastthegate~EstherTeule
2TheGate
Solet’stakeacloserlookatthegate.
Whatisitexactly?
Itholdsinyourdeepbeliefsaboutyoubeing
unlovable.Italsohidesthefreezer.
(Thisisbeginningtosoundlikeapropina
horrormovie,containingaseveredheador
something;-).Infactitisfarfromit,butwe
willgettothat…)
FirstIwanttosaysomethingaboutsome
clevermindtricksthatguardthegate.They
areimportanttoolsoftheInversionTrick,and
quitedepressing.Theyareextremelypowerful
aswell,ifyoubelieveintheirmagic.
ThatiswhyImentionthem.
29Pastthegate~EstherTeule
Theyaresodeeplyembeddedinourculture,
thattheseguardsevenhavenames.Notlong
ago,theywereseenasvirtues,assomething
importanttokeepyoufromwanderingoff.
Infacttheyarestillwidelyacceptedassuch.
TheyarecalledGuiltandShame.
Youprobablyknowthem.
30 Pastthegate~EstherTeule
GuiltandShame
Guiltmakesyoufeelbadwhenyoufocuson
yourself.Instead,ittellsyou,youshouldfocus
ontheneedsoftheParents.
Shametellsyouthatyouaredeeplydisappoint-
ing–failingtheParentswhodeserveabetter
versionofyou.
RemembertheParentsaretheworldaswell,
sotheycanbeanythingoranybody.
Theirmessageisextremelypainfulandkeeps
youonhold.Theykeepyoutrappedinaloyalty
dilemma:
Guiltsays:
IfyouloveyourselfyoubetraytheParents.
Ifyoulookintoyourownneeds,youneglect
theParents.
Youareresponsiblefortheirhappiness.
31 Pastthegate~EstherTeule
(WithloveandneedsIactuallymeanfierce love
andrealneeds.Thekindthatmakeyou
followyourpassionsanddreams,evenwhen
thatmeanspackingyourthingsandmovingto
theNorthPole,nevertoreturn.Iamnotrefer-
ringtothethinlayerofself-approvalthattakes
upnospaceandisinfactreassuringtothe
Parents.)
Shamesays:
Ifyoustandupforyourself,yourejectthe
Parents.
Ifyourefusetofeellikeafailure,youwillcast
themasideandbeallaloneandlosetheirlove.
Theonlyoptionistobelieveyourunworthi-
nessinordertofeelsafe.
Theseforcesareactuallytellingyou:
Ifyouvalidateyourself,yourejecttheParents.
IfyouvalidatetheParents,yourejectyourself.
Whatahorribledilemma!Alose-losesituation!
32 Pastthegate~EstherTeule
ItistheInversionTrickatitsbest.Thelogicof
GuiltandShameisquitehardtobreakonce
youareundertheirspell.Theirgameisvery
clever;whentheybecometooharsh,theyfind
anicertoneofvoicetoconvinceyou.Guiltwill
convinceyouthatyouarejustbeingacaring
person–isn’tthatwhatyoushouldbe?Shame
willconvinceyouthatitissimplytellingyou
thetruth–whatelsecanyoubebutafailure?
Theysureareanastycouple.
Seehowtheykeepyoufromlovingyourself?
Howtheykeepyoufromfindingthetruth
aboutwhoyouare?Howcleverlytheykeepyou
dazedintheheadlights?
Iknow.Itisgettingabitdepressingnow.
Hangon.
We’llgettothegoodpartinawhile,Ipromise.
First,weneedtodiscussyetanothersource
ofconfusionthatkeepsyoufromentering
throughthegate.
Sotakeadeepbreathandpouryourself
anothercupoftea.(Iamhavingoneaswell.)
33 Pastthegate~EstherTeule
TheCommonBeliefs
Anotherobstacleingoingthroughthegate
istheCommonBeliefsaboutwhatisrightor
wrong.
TheCommonBeliefsarelikeasharedcon-
science,tellingusthingslike:it’sbadtosteal
orkill,it’sgoodtobekindandhaveChristmas
togetherwithyourfamily(justtonameafew).
DeeplyembeddedintheCommonBeliefslives
theideathatintheend,youshouldalwaystake
careoftheParents.
Nomatterhowtheymadeyoufeelorhowthey
treatedyou,nomatterhowhurtyoustillare,
thereseemstobethisresponsibility,thisguilty
obligationtobethegooddaughterorson.
34 Pastthegate~EstherTeule
(Don’tgetmewrong,whenthereisahealthy,
lovingrelationship,takingcareofeachotheris
neveraneffort.Butthenagain,thisbookisnot
reallyaboutthat,solet’smoveon.)
Actually,thisguiltyobligation,supportedby
theCommonBeliefs,ispartoftheTwo-step
Trick:ifyourejecttheParents,thereisnohope
lefttobefinallyloved.
Youwillbebadandlostforever.
Anditwouldbeyourownfault!
Soyouhideyourtruefeelings,hideyourhurt,
youranger,yoursmartnessandhonestyand
pickupthephoneforthatweeklycall.
TheTwo-stepTrickisnotjustapersonal
survivalmechanism;weareallinit.Weareall
affectedbythissharedconscience,playingon
ourguiltandourfearoflosinglove.It’severy-
where:inthemedia,intheadvertisements,in
commonremarkspeoplemake.
35 Pastthegate~EstherTeule
MovingpasttheCommonBeliefsisscary,
becausetheytellyouhowweshouldrelateto
eachother.Theyareliketherulesofthe(family)
clanyoubelongto.Imagineyouareoutthereon
yourown,withouttherulestoguideyou…
That’sfrightening!
Howwillyouknownowwhatisgoodorbad?
Howwillyouknowifyouarebraveandtrueor
infactamiserable,selfishperson?
Howcanyoutell?
Disobeyingtheclan’srulesisamovenottobe
takenlightly.Ittouchesonyourdeep,initial
fearofbeingabandonedandunloved.
Thefearofbeingwrongandbadafterall.
ThisispartofthereasonIwrotethisbook.
Toremindyouofyourowntruthandthatyou
arenotalone.Toremindyouthatyouarein
theendcontributingmoretotheclanbyfixing
yourhurtandclaimingyourfreedom...evenif
itmeansleavingittohealyourself.
36 Pastthegate~EstherTeule
Wehavediscussedtheguardsthattrytokeep
youfromthecontentofthefreezer;wehave
lookedatGuilt,ShameandthepowerofCom-
monBeliefs.
Timetofindoutwhattheyareprotectingso
well!
37 Pastthegate~EstherTeule
Ahiddentreasure
RememberImentionedthepainofencoun-
teringtheunlove(thepoison)ofyourparents
whilebeingalittlegirlorboy?
Thepainoffeelingrejected,offeelingthreat-
ened,abandonedandhurtbytheoneswho
weresupposedtobeyoursafehaven?
Thisiswhatisinthefreezer:thiscorewound.
Ithurtdeeply.
Anditstilldoes.
Allthistimeyoutriedhardtoavoidthishurtby
becomingaBetterYou.Becauseyouwereafraid
tofindthebadyou,theonewhowasn’tloved,
theonewhowasn’tworthit.
38 Pastthegate~EstherTeule
Anddeeperstill,
therealizationthattherewasnolove.
Nolove,nosafety,nowarmth,noembrace.
Ifeellikebeingsilentforamoment...
Soyoucanjustbreatheandfeelthisfor
yourself.
Forifyoudonotrushoverit,youmayfindyou
areabletostaywiththisunlove.Tolookatit
andsimplystay.
Keepbreathing.
Andperhaps,then,youcanalsoseethis:
Theremaybepain.Butitwasneveryourfault.
Theremayhavebeennoloveinthisparticular
place.
Butitwasn’tyourfault.
Itmayfeelliketherewasaterrifyinggapbe-
tweenyouandtheParents.Youdidn’tcauseit.
Itwasn’tbecauseofyou.
39 Pastthegate~EstherTeule
ItwastheParents’woundednessthatfoundits
waytoyou.Itiswhathappens.Butitwasnot
causedbyyou.Theirpainwasneveryourfault.
Ever.
Haveyoueverlookedintheeyesofa
threeyear-oldandfoundanythingelsebut
innocence?Theseareyoureyes.
Howcouldyoueverhavebeenthecauseof
pain?ThepainfeltbytheParentswasalready
theirs,justspillingoutonyou.Youcould
neverhavesavedthem,forthey can only save
themselves.
Youtriedsomethingthatwasimpossible.
Youareguiltless,unmarredandperfectly
sound.
Sitwiththisforawhile.Letitsinkin.
Takeawalkorsitinacomfychair.
Realizeyouarelovablethroughandthrough
andallgood.
Safeinyourcore.Home.
40Pastthegate~EstherTeule
3GoingThrough
Youmayhavefeltsome(orhuge!)reliefafter
weinvestigatedwhatishiddeninthefreezer
inthepreviouschapter.(Orperhapsyouare
notconvincedyet…whichisfineaswell.)
SeeingthatyouareinfactWholeandLovable
canbringafeelingofdeeprelaxationand
lightness.
Youareokay!
Andyoudon’thavetodoanythingtobeokay!
Thereisnothingwrongwithyou!
Youarecompleteandfaultless!
(Whichbythewaydoesn’tmeanyouareexclu-
sivelybeautiful,good,shinyandbright.You
arealsogrumpy,irritatingandannoying,and
yousteponpeople’stoeseveryonceinawhile.
41 Pastthegate~EstherTeule
Butthat’sjusttheweather.Justthatdelicious
varietythatisthespiceoflife.
Withouttheunderlyingbeliefthatyoushould
bedifferent(meaningmorelovable),thisisno
problem.Soenjoybeinghuman;-))
Whetheryoufeltamomentofreliefornot,go-
ingthroughthegateisobviouslynotjustabout
enjoyingoneclearmoment.Itisinfactaradi-
cal,lastingchangeinhowyouviewyourself.
So…
Tobringsomeclarityanddirectionintothis
radicalprocess,hereareThreeImportant
StepsthatIfoundtobecrucialingettingpast
thegate.
Tobehonest,theyarenotreallysteps,asyou
willfindout;thewholethingismerelyamys-
teriousunfolding,movinginspirals,unpre-
dictableyetperfectlysensible,followingits
own,organiccourse.
42 Pastthegate~EstherTeule
Butthisisabook.
Andthemindlovesthingstobeclearand
orderly;-).
LikeThreeStepsLeadingSomewhere.
Solet’ssticktostepsinthisbook,justforthe
sakeofclarity.
Iwillexplainallabouttheminthiscoming
chapter.
First
youmaywanttowalkyourdog,cuddleyour
catorstretchyourbackforamomentbefore
weplungeintothefirstSteptogether.
Iamgladyouarestillwithmesofar…hug!
43 Pastthegate~EstherTeule
StepOne:Acknowledgingyourchildhoodhurt
Thatsoundslikeabigone.Andyes,itis.:-)
Itisthepartoftheprocessinwhichyoucon-
nectwiththeemotionsthatfoundtheirwayto
thefreezer.Likefeelingabandoned,unloved,
lost,rejectedorshamed.
Toreleasetheseoldpains,youneedtofirst feel
and validatethem.Asin:really,deeplyallowing
yourhiddenchildhoodfeelingstosurface.
Thisiscrucial,becauseinskippingthisstep,
youwillbeskippingoverthevalidationof
yourself.
Youwillstilldenythewounddeepinside.
Soonlywhenyouarewillingtotrulyfeelthe
frozenemotions,withoutholdingback,willthe
icebegintomelt.
44Pastthegate~EstherTeule
AndonlythenyoucandismantletheTrick.
Yousee,
onlywhenyoudeeplyacknowledgeyourfeel-
ingsdoyouacknowledgeyourself.
(Thisisactuallyquiteadeepsentence,ifImay
sayso.Thinkitthroughforamoment!)
Theamazingthingaboutemotionsandfeel-
ingsisthat,oncefeltandexpressed,theymove
on.Theysimplytransformanddissolve.
Butyouneedtogettotheheartoftheemotion
first–openingtoitnotonlyinyourmind,but
physicallyaswell.Emotionsneedtobe
expressed,tasted,criedoveranddigested
beforetheycantransforminpeaceful
spaciousness,leavingyourelievedandopen.
(Well,youknowhowitfeelsafteragood,
noisy,snottycryandspeakingupaboutwhat
hasbeenbotheringyou:itfeelslikeaweight
hasbeenliftedfromyouandyourheartcan
breatheagain.)
45 Pastthegate~EstherTeule
Soundspositivesofar.
BUT IT FEELS SO SCARY!
TERRIFYING!
WHY GO THERE!
(Well, hello Fear! I was expecting you, actually.
Have a seat. You can have 7 sentences to
ventilate.)
(...Thanks. Only 7?!)
(Yes. Go ahead.)
(Okay...)
Whatifitwillcompletelyoverwhelmme?!
Whatifithurtstoomuch?!
Whatifitturnsoutitwasallmyfault
afterall?!
46Pastthegate~EstherTeule
AdmittingmypainwillbetraytheParents!
AnddestroymyHappyChildhoodStory!
AndmyFamilyFairyTale!
Itcan’tbedone,Iwillbedestroyed!
(Okay, thank you.)
Thesearethefearsthatmaycomeupintalk-
ingaboutconnectingwithyourchildhood
pain.Thefearsyoufeltasachild.
Thegoodnewsisthatyouarenotachildany
more.
Youaregrown-upandcapable.
Youwillbeso,socapableofhandlingthese
emotions.Andsovery,veryrelievedonceyou
welcomethem!Especiallythedeepfeelingsof
beingwronged,humiliated,rejected–thestuff
youhaveperhapspushedasideaschildishand
unworthyofyourattention.
47 Pastthegate~EstherTeule
Besides,youdon’thavetogodownthere
alone.
Iwouldevenstronglyadviceyounotto.
Youdoneedsomesupport!
Iwillexplainwhy.
48Pastthegate~EstherTeule
Guidanceandsupport
Processingemotionsisbestdoneunderguid-
anceinasafesurrounding,likeinagroupset-
ting,orjustyouwithatherapistorcoach.
Itisvery,veryhelpful.
Whynotjustdoitbyyourself?
BecausetheTrickissimplytooclever,itwill
outsmartyouatsomepoint.
Becauseyourfearmaybetoounsettling.
Becauseyouneedreassuranceandwarmth
intheplaceswhereitgetstoocoldforyouto
moveon.
Rememberthatallthisstuffisofaveryyoung
age.Itneedstobeabletoexpressitselffully
andfeelwelcomeindoingso.
49Pastthegate~EstherTeule
Beinginagroupmaysoundlikenotyourcup
oftea.
Butbelieveitornot,itisthebestplacetobe
whendealingwiththesefeelings.
Youwillfindsupport,recognition(youarenot
theonlyonefeelingthisway)andloadsoflove
andrespectcomingyourway.Thisiscrucialin
seeingthroughtheTrickthatlikestoconvince
youthatyouareunlovableandlessthanothers.
Sograntyourselfthegiftofbeingguidedand
supported.
Especiallyinthebeginningwhenallisnew
andscary.
Itwillallowyoutolookintoyourselfandfind
yourtruehome.Withouthavingtoworry
aboutmuchelse.
50 Pastthegate~EstherTeule
Sparklyangels
Itisnotonlypainfulfeelingsthatmeltinthis
process.
OnceyousayYestoyoursuppressedfeelings,
youwillnoticesomesparkly,radiantangels
findingtheirwaybacktoyou.
Like:
yourlightness
yourtrust
yourplayfulness
yourboldness
yourjoy
Alltheselovelygiftsthatwentintohiding
intheactofSuppression-and-Inversion,can
re-emerge,andtaketheirrightfulplaceinthe
frontseatagain.
Rightnexttoyou.
51 Pastthegate~EstherTeule
Whenthishappensyoumaybecomeaware
ofafamiliarandyetunfamiliarsoundfilling
theair.
It’snotthecarradio.
Itisyourheartsinging!
Theseangelsareawonderfulbonus,remind-
ingyouofyourlovelynature,quickeningthe
processevenmore.
52 Pastthegate~EstherTeule
Onemorething
Validatingandprocessingyourchildhoodhurt
willnothappenovernight.Ithasmanylayers,
manydepths,offeringyounewdiscoveriesand
shinygemsovertime,hugeonesandsmall
ones.Itisanongoingprocessthatmayeven
takealifetime!
Yourinnerwoundwillheal,butwillalwaysbe
partofyourtissue.(Likethescarofaphysical
wound.)
Alwaysinvitingyoutofindtruthanddigdeep-
er.Tonotsettleforless,butfindthedeepLove
thatyouareatthecoreofyourbeing.
Idonotwanttosoundlikethehairadvertise-
ment,butyoudodeserveit.
Itiswhoyouare.
53 Pastthegate~EstherTeule
Here’ssomethingItoldmyselfsometimes
whilegoingthroughtheprocess:
“Ifthereisanyonewhocandothis,itisyou.”
NotthatIhadanyqualificationstounderline
that.
Iguessitwastheboldnessofthesentencethat
triggeredsomethinginme.
Adeeplongingtomeetmypoweratlast.
Andtolooktheotherwaynolonger.
54 Pastthegate~EstherTeule
StepTwo:LearningtobecomeanInnerParent
Sonowwehavecometothesecondstep.
FirstIwanttosaluteyouforyourbraveness
forreadingallthisstuff.Wediscussitina
lightway,butinfactittouchesondeepand
painfulthings.
Phew!
Somakesureyougetthatgulpoffreshair
everynowandthen–oraskforanencourag-
ingkiss,hugorstrokeontheback(justfrom
whoeverisavailable).
Or...simplyhavealittlebreakinwhichyou
lookaroundandrealizeyouarestillonplanet
Earth.
Ijustwalkedmydogintherain(withthe
wrongshoesonmyfeet)andImustsayitputs
thingsinperspective.;-)
55 Pastthegate~EstherTeule
So.
Wheneveryouareready,let’slookintothe
nextstepofGoingThroughtheGate.Thisstep
isaboutdismantlingtheTrickbylearningto
loveyourselfagain.Infactitisaboutreversing
theInversionTrick.Whichmeans:
Insteadofhatingyourselfyouloveyourself.
Insteadofdistrustingyourselfyoutrust
yourself.
Insteadofleavingyourselfyoustickby
yourself.
Howdoesthiswork?!Howwillyoubeableto
dothat?
Imentioneditintheheaderalready;
byactivelybecomingyourownInnerParent.
Yousee,thereisstillthislittlechildinsidethat
isscaredandfeelsunloved.Apersonthatnever
reallyaged(becauseofthefrost).Itstillwaits
fortheloveoftheParents.
56 Pastthegate~EstherTeule
Itneedssomeonewho:
Reallylistens
Takesitsneedsseriously
Validatesitsfeelings
Standsupforit
Lovesitimmensely
TheParentswerenotabletogiveyouthisback
then,andthereisnowayyoucanchangethe
past.
Althoughyouknowthis,youstillsomehowat-
tempttoearntheirlove,don’tyou?Evenwhen
theyhavepassedaway,youstilltrytoprove
yourworthiness,beitnowtotheworld.
Thisisbecausethelittlechildinyoustillbe-
lievesit can only heal through their final recogni-
tion of who you are.
Thetruthis,thatwillneverhappen.
Thatsoundscold,butrealizingthiscanalso
wakeyouupfromyourchildhooddream.
57 Pastthegate~EstherTeule
Andinviteyoutogobeyond,whereyouwill
findanevendeeperlove,alovethatencom-
passesall.
ThelittleyouwillnotbehealedbytheParents,
norbyanyotherperson.Evenifallthelove
andrecognitionyoucraveforisgiventoyou
rightnow,youwouldn’tbeabletoreceiveit.
Infactnooneoutthereisfitforthejob
because…youcametobelieveyouarenot
lovable.
Thisbeliefislikeaholethatcannotbefilled
fromtheoutside.
No-oneelsegetspastthatBelief.
Nolover,nofriendorchildcouldeverfixyou.
(Wealwayshopeforthemto,butitnever
works.)
Thisleavesonlyonesuitablecandidate:
You.
TheBigandAdultYou.
Theonethatpaddledtheriverandisreading
thesewords.
58 Pastthegate~EstherTeule
Whyareyoutheperfectcandidate?
Becauseonly youcanseethroughtheTrickand
dismantleit.
Becauseonly youcanchangeyourownbeliefs.
Because youaretheonewhoneedstodiscover
thelovelinessthatyouare.
(Mostofusknowthatalready.)
Becauseyouknowexactlywhatyourinner
childneeds.
Somemorereasons:
Takingcareofyourselfaddstremendouslyto
yourwell-being.Listeningtowhatyoureally
wantisamazinglyinspiring.Beingkindto
yourselfinsteadofbeatingyourselfupchanges
yourlife.
And:
Youarealwaysavailable,nevernotthere.
Youdonotneedsomeoneelsetofulfilyour
needs.Whichisbig,becauseitwillsetothers
freeaswell.
59 Pastthegate~EstherTeule
But…isn’tthisjustanotherTrick?
Yes!Itis!
Itisdefinitelyanothertrick.
Atemporaryconstructiontohelpyoulove
yourselfagain,andhealyourinnerwound.
YounameonepartofyoutheInnerParent,
andanotherparttheInnerChild.Andset
themuptoloveeachother.
Iwasabitworriedaboutitmyself,thisset-
upthing.(AndIadmittheInnerChilddoes
soundveryNew-Agey;-))
Butitworks.
Ifounditworksamazinglywell.
AndI’veseenitworkwondersinotherstoo.
Sowhynotuseit?
Intime,whenthewoundbeginstoheal,when
theParentandChildinyouhavebonded,they
becomeone.
Likeafluid,organicpresenceinyourheartand
belly.
60Pastthegate~EstherTeule
Whenthathappens,theconstructionisno
longerneeded.
Whatisleftisyouinonepiece.
(Andeventhisonepiecemaybecometrans-
parentovertime.Butlet’snotgetaheadof
things).
61 Pastthegate~EstherTeule
TheInnerParentandtheInnerChild
SowhatexactlyisanInnerParentandwhatis
anInnerChild?
Inmanywaysyouarealreadyaninnerparent.
Likewhenyouwanttoeatthatwholejarof
cookies,butyoutakeonlyone.(Okay.Three).
Youmaywanttoswearreallyloudlyandhit
someonewhoisinyourwaywhenyouarein
aserioushurry.Insteadyousaysomething
politeandwait‘tilyoucangetpast.
WecouldsaythattheInnerParentistheone
whoknowshowitworksintheworld.
Orknowsenough,anyway.
Theonewhocanmakethingshappenina
matureway.
Theonewhohasallthisexperienceandisable
tolookaheadandplanthings.
62Pastthegate~EstherTeule
YourInnerChildistheSensitive,Feelingside
ofyou.
Partofitiswounded,frozenandinneedof
care,warmthandencouragementinorderto
participateinyourlifeagain.Oncedefrosted
andatease,beingitsnaturalself,itoffersthe
giftsImentionedearlier:
Joy
(thekindofjoythatcomesupfornoreason)
Uncomplicatedforwardness
Contentment
Trust
Creativity
Innocence
(It’salongerlistbutIalwaysskiplonglistsin
booksmyself.)
ThehealedInnerChildisallthat.
It’stheintuitive,feelingqualityinyourself.
Itisyourheart’ssong,yourspark,agelessand
authentic.
63 Pastthegate~EstherTeule
Howeveressential,itcannotactintheworld.
Itmerelyis.
SoyouneedthatAdultYou,aliastheInner
Parent,togetoutthereandbethesensible
one.
Theonewhoisabletomakeithappen.
Likeanartistwhoneedsinspiration(Inner
Child)butalsohastobuythepaintand
materialstoputitintoform(InnerParent).
BecomingtheInnerParentislikegrowingup
emotionally.
Yousee,thereisstillthisideathatyouhaveto
waitfortheParents(ortheworld)totellyou
thatyouareokay.Togiveyoupermissionto
becomehappyandfulfilled.Permissiontolive
yourownlifefully,tobewhoyouarewithout
apologizing.
Thiswaitingputsyouonhold.
Likeyouneedtofixthingsfirstbeforeyouare
allowedtoenjoyyourself.Thereyouare,tool-
boxinyourhand,postponingforeveryourtrip
totheBahamas.
64Pastthegate~EstherTeule
Inacknowledgingyourchildhoodhurtand
becomingyourInnerParentyouhealyour
guiltandemotionaldependence.
Youhealthedeephurtatthecoreofyour
being.
Youmeetyourownfearsandawkwardnessas
long-lostfriends.
(Ifeellikerepeatingthislastsentence.)
Whatloving,powerfulthingstodo!
Bynolongerdiminishingyourself,youcan
finallyenjoyyourgoodness.Yourtalents,your
colors.
Evenwhentheyareweirdandquirky.
65 Pastthegate~EstherTeule
InnerParenting
SowhatdoesInnerParentinglooklike?
Howdoyouparentyourself?
Thefirstthingyouneedtodoisconnectwith
thesmallpersoninyou,theInnerChild.
Thesecondistomaintainandnurturethat
connection.
ConnectingwithyourInnerChildisperhaps
morecomplicatedthanyouthink.Youhadto
ignoreitsneedsforalong,longtime,andyou
needtobuildtrustandsafetybeforethetwoof
youcanbond.
MeetingyourInnerChildcanbeincredibly
touchingandbeautiful,butitdoestakecour-
ageanddeterminationtofinallyembracethis
vulnerablepartofyourself.Rememberitwas
66Pastthegate~EstherTeule
once(andstillmaybe!)yoursurvivalinstinct
tosuppressitspresence.
Again,itcanbehelpfultodothisunder
guidance,preferablyinagroup,offeringyou
thesupportandencouragementyoumay
needtoreachout.
ConnectingwithyourInnerChildisnot
somethingthathappensinthemind.
Itisaveryphysical,groundingexperience.
Acell-tissue-and-bonechanger!
Onceyouhaveopenedthefreezerandmelted
andclaimeditscontent,itislikeanessential
chunkofyouthatwasmissingreturns.
Theholeyoufeltinsidenowfillsupwith
somethingdeeplyfamiliar,awarmandplayful
presence.
But,asitgoes,withoutnurteringthispres-
ence,theoldTrickmaybecomeactiveagain,
andlureyourightbackintoyouroldbeliefs
aboutyourself.
67Pastthegate~EstherTeule
EvenafterthePrinceandPrincessarehappily
marriedforeverafter,workingonagood
relationshipisfundamentaltostayingopen
andhappy.(Somehowtheyalwaysforgetto
mentionthatinfairytales.)
Itsimplytakespracticeandmaintenance!
Asoftenasyoucan!
Infact,youcanpracticebondingwithyour
InnerChildallday:
Bytakingyourselfseriouslyinsteadof
ridiculingwhateveryoudo.
Byencouragingyourselfandtakingmany
momentstogiveyourselfaninnerhug.
Bybeingkindtoyourselfwhenyoufeelsad,
jealous,stupid,unattractiveorafailure.
Bynotbetrayingyourselfbyplayingsmallwhen
youarenot.
Bynotdepartingfromyourselfwheninthe
companyofothers.
Bytrustingwhatyoudo.
68Pastthegate~EstherTeule
BysayingNotowhatyoudonotfeellike
doing.
BysayingNotopeoplewhomakeyou
frequentlyunhappyandYestopeoplewho
loveorappreciateyou.
Bystandingupforyourtruth.
BytakingthetimetolistentoyourInner
Child.
Whatworkswellistohaveatleastonemo-
mentadaywhenyouphysicallyconnectwith
yourInnerChild.WhatImeanwiththisis
sensingitspresence,almostlikeyoumake
roomforherorhiminyourbody.Imagine
holdingit,huggingit,takinginitsloveliness
andaliveness.(Agoodmomentforthiscanbe
inthemorning,justafterwakingup,orright
beforeyougotosleep.)
69Pastthegate~EstherTeule
Someadviceperhaps:
Goodparentingdoesn’tmeantreatingyour
InnerChildlikeaninfant.It’snotahelpless
creaturethatyoutalktoinafunnyvoice.This
isactuallystillignoringorbelittlingtheau-
thentic,boundless,agelessYou.
Beawareofthis.
TruthisequallyimportantasLovetoyour
InnerChild.Sheorhewillknowwhenyou
belittle,ignoreoraredishonest.Itwillfeel
betrayedbythat(asitshould).
Anotherpointworthmentioning:
NoneedtoeducateyourInnerChild.
Youmadeittothegrownupworldalready:-)
ThesoleroleoftheInnerParentistohold,
loveandaccommodate:tonurtureandbring
backtolifeyourauthentic,playfulself.
Havingsaidthis,let’smoveontoinvestigate
someofthepitfallsinInnerParenting....
Wheneveryouareready.
70Pastthegate~EstherTeule
ConfusingtheInnerParentwiththeInnerChild
Truthtobetold,InnerParentingcanbequite
achallengeinthebeginning.
Onecommondifficultyisbeingconfused
aboutwhotheInnerParentis.Whatoften
happensisthatyouthinkyouaretakingcare
ofyourInnerChild,whileyouareactuallynot.
Thisiswhy:
Afteryouwerewoundedasalittleone,you
mayhavealreadycreatedanadult.Alittlefour
year-oldfakeadult!
Yousee:
Partofyoudisappearedintothefreezer.
Anotherpartbecamethecaretakerofthe
Parents.
Itturneditselfinaminiadult,tryingtobe
strong.
71 Pastthegate~EstherTeule
InordertosavetheParents,youmayhave
believedtheyneededyoutobe:
-positiveandlight
-calmingandreassuring
-thewiseone
-easy(havingnoneedsyourself)
-theonetakingcareofthemphysically
-theonedetectingtheirneedsandfulfilling
them
-anallyagainsttheMeanWorld
Recognizeanyofthem?
Infact,youbecametheirmissingparent.
Presently,readingthisbook,youmaywantto
healyourownInnerChild,andmayacciden-
tallyactivatetheminiadulttodothejob.
Thisisboundtogowrong.
IrememberdoingexactlythiswhenIstarted
toworkwithmyInnerChild.Ibecameamini
72 Pastthegate~EstherTeule
adult.ItexhaustedmeandonedayIburstout
intotears(nowatthattimeIoftendidthat,but
Istillrememberthisparticularone).
Ididn’tfeeluptothetask!
Ifeltsoterriblysmallanddepleted!
Whowasever–finally–goingtotakecareof
me?!
Actually,thiswasnotmyInnerAdultspeak-
ing,butmyminiadult.Whowasstillvery
youngandverymuchinneedofcareherself.
Ijustautomaticallypresumedthiswasmy
AdultSelf.
Fortheminiadult,parentingislikeasacrifice.
Ajobthatbetrayssomethingdeepinside.
Theminiadultmayfeelrewardedwhenthe
Parentsarethankful.Itisthebonusitlivesfor.
Butdeepdownitfeelsaloneandabandoned.
Whentheminiadultfeelsithastotakecare
oftheInnerChild(itsnewassignmenttoday)
itmayworkitselfuptothetask.Butitmay
73 Pastthegate~EstherTeule
secretlyhatetheInnerChildaswell.Another
greedysomeonewhoneedsattentionfirst!
So:
Wheneveryoufeelyou’renotuptothetaskof
InnerParenting,youcanbesureitisthelit-
tleadultthatislettingyouknowitneedscare
itself.
Remember,thelittleadultisactuallythe
woundedInnerChilddressedupinadult
clothes!
SowhothenistheTrueInnerParent?
Wheretofinditinyourself?
TheTrueInnerParentisavailablethemoment
theInnerChildislovedbyyou.
Bitofabraintwister.
Whatitmeansis:
TheTrueInnerParentisalreadypresentinyou,
effortlessly.Itissimplythegrown-upyou,plus
yourabilitytolove.
74 Pastthegate~EstherTeule
Thegrown-upyou=theonecapableofputting
onclothes,payabillorgotothestoretobuy
spaghetti.
Yourabilitytolove=thatwide,spaciousfeel-
inginyourchestthatmakesyouwanttohug
somebody.Orananimal.Orathing.
Themomentyoucanlovinglyseeorfeelyour
InnerChild,youaretheInnerParent.
(WhichisnotdifficultsinceyourInnerChildis
veryadorableandcute,justlikeyou.)
Ifyoufeelnoloveorunderstanding,ordonot
feelyourInnerChild,youareunderthespell
oftheTrick,lookingwithcriticaleyes.
So:
WheneverInnerParentingfeelslikeaneffort:
sitdownandtakecareofyourminiadult.
Giveitloveandunderstanding.
Tellitthatitcanbeachildnow.
Soyoucanbethewonderful,capableadultyou
alreadyare!
75 Pastthegate~EstherTeule
Earningthet-shirtofTrueInnerParent
BondingwithyourInnerChildislikelearning
anewskill.Whichiswonderfulbutalso
frustratingsometimes.
-YoumayoftentotallyforgetaboutyourInner
Child.
-Youmaygetfrustratedbecauseyoucan’tcon-
nectwithit.
-YoumaybedisappointedbecauseyourInner
Childissadandsilent.
Justkeeptrying.
Itisamatterofbuildingtrustfirst.
Whenthelittleyoufeelssafeandinvited,she
orhewillcomealivemoreandmore.
SomeInnerChildrenarequicktorespond,
otherscanremainsilentorfrozenforquitea
whilebeforeyoureallyconnect.
76Pastthegate~EstherTeule
Asdidmine.UntilIrealizedIwasactually
stillnotentirelyfocusingonher,forfearofthe
rejectionofmymotherthatthatmightentail.
Priorityiskey!
Youcan’tdoitbyhalves,throwingsome
sweetsdownthefreezerfromtimetotime.
Healingthewounddemandsyourfulldedica-
tionandcare.
Itcouldalsomeanthatwhileyouarelearning
toloveyourInnerChildyouneedtotakesome
–orquitesome!–distancefrompeoplewho
keepyoulockedinguiltoruneasiness.
Like:
yourmother
yourfather
otherfamilymembers
peoplewhotriggeryoutoomuch(needy,un-
friendly,bullyingorboringones)
77 Pastthegate~EstherTeule
Iknow.Thisisveryscary.Itmeansyoureally
standupforyourselfnow.
Andtakerisksindoingso.
Likeriskingbeingthrownoutoftheclan.
Riskingdeeplyhurtinganddisappointingthe
Parents.
YourInnerChildwillbedelightedthough.
(Yes,itwillbescaredatfirst,butwhenyou
takethelead,itwillcometotrustyouand
flourish.)
Ihavefoundthatpracticalsteps,liketaking
distanceorspeakingyourtruth,arecrucialin
bondingwithyourInnerChild.
DaringtosayNotomymotherfinallymade
LittleEstherwakeupfromthedead.Ihad
shownherItrulycared.Nomattertheconse-
quences.
Shefeltsafenow.
78 Pastthegate~EstherTeule
StepThree:EstablishingSelfLove
Welcometothethirdstep!
Happytohaveyoustillhere:-)
Afteryouhavegonethroughtheprocessofthe
firsttwosteps,younoticeachangeinyourself.
Youfeellighter,happier,moreconfident.Now
thatyourinnerwoundishealingandyouare
supportingyourselfinsteadofbringingyour-
selfdown,awonderfulshifttakesplace.
Itislikeyourleakingboatismendedandyou
finallydidthesailingcourse.Andfindthat
youareprettygoodatsurfingthewaves!Pretty
goodatbeingyou!
Wow!
79Pastthegate~EstherTeule
Andofcoursestuffwillstillsurface:Yourold
friendGuiltmaypayyouavisit,CousinShame
maytrytogetagriponyouagain.Youmay
feelsadoraloneattimes.
Butthesearemerelycloudspassingby.
YouknowhowtogetHomenow.
YouknowhowtoreversetheTrickandwarm
yourownheart.
Intheenditisnotaboutlivinghappilyundera
spotlesssky(thereisnosuchthing).
ItisnotaboutbeingfreefromtheTrickatall
times(rememberthescartissue).
Itissimplyaboutfeelinggoodinyourself
(evenwhenyoufeelbatteredorsombre).
Deeply,simplygood.
EstablishingSelfLoveissinkingdeeperand
deeperintherealitythatyouaresafe.Safein
thisever-changing,movingriveroflifethat
willeventuallytakeeverythingfromyou,but
neverthis.
80Pastthegate~EstherTeule
Andyoucanstillfeelscared!
Aboutlosingyourlovedones.
Aboutlifeending.
Aboutyourcataging.
Aboutchangeingeneral.
Butunderneathyoumaynoticethisokay-ness.
Likeawarmsmile,lightingupyourcells.
ItistellingtheTrickitcanretirenow.
Thatitsserviceisnolongerrequired.
Withoutevenblinking.
81 Pastthegate~EstherTeule
Thejoyofnolongerdiminishingyourself
Everytimeyourememberyourokay-ness,itis
liketinybubblesofjoyemerging,thesheerjoy
of…beingokay!
Whenyouarenolongerhelddownbya
CriticalVoice,isitamazinghowyourtalents
finallygetthegreenlight.
Iusedtobeatmyselfuponaregularbasis.
IdidthatingeneralbutespeciallywhenIwas
creatingthings.LikewhenIwaswriting.
Itwasn’talackofideasholdingmeback,but
thewhispersofGuiltandShamethatfilledmy
head,askingmehowIcouldeverthinkthat
peoplewouldcareaboutwhatIwassaying.
Thisreallychangedaftergoingthroughthe
gate.
82 Pastthegate~EstherTeule
Inowlovetheprocessofputtingdownmy
thoughts.AndIamstillamazedaboutthe
silenceinmyhead.
Nocomments.
Justspacetocreate.
Wearealltalented.Insomanyways.
Talentssooftenwastedbybelievingwearenot
goodenough.Sooftenridiculedbyourown
fearofbeingrejected.
Theyarelikeplantskeptinadarkroomwithout
watering.
Lovingyourselfagainislikefinallyopening
thewindows,puttingnewsoilintheplantpots
andwatchingthemgrow.
Whatwillthriveandblossom:
-yourgifts
-yourpower(we’llgettothatinamoment)
-yourtruecolors
83 Pastthegate~EstherTeule
Youneednotbecomesuccessfulorlovedby
theworld.
YouneednoapplauseorathousandLikes.
OthersmaynotevennoticetheBigChange
insideofyou.
Whatismostimportantisthejoyyoufeelin
yourselfbybeingyou.
Therestisoptional.
84Pastthegate~EstherTeule
Meetingyourpower
RemembertheangelsImentionedthatcome
aliveinthedefrostingprocess?
Abundantqualitieslikeboldness,lightness
andtrust?
Thereisanotherqualitycomingforwardonce
youestablishyourSelfLove(orperhapsyou
alreadybumpedintoitalongtheway).
Notanangel.
ItisyourPower,theunwaveringone.
Theonethatcouldkillifnecessary.
It’syourrawanger.
Itlivesdeepdowninyou,andcarriestremen-
dousstrength.
Itistheoneyouhidawaybehindveilsoflittle
flowersandpoliteness.Theoneyoupretendto
beshockedabout.
Thatyoubanishedtotheworldofbadpeople.
85 Pastthegate~EstherTeule
Infact,itistheonebringingyouhome.You
needittocutthecords,tostandupagainst
GuiltandShame.Tostayawake!
Youneedittoclaimyourrighttobe.
Don’tbeafraidofit.
Don’tlettheTrickconfuseyou,tellingyouthat
youshouldalwaysbereasonableandkind(the
gooddaughterorson).Daretobedangerous.
Daretobepowerful.
Takeupspace.Youoweittoyourself.
86Pastthegate~EstherTeule
Polishingthegeminside
EstablishingSelfLoveissimplyabout
rememberingyouaresafeinyourself.
Tworeminders:
1.Tellyourself(often)thatyouareAlready
Home.
2.CallonyourPowerwhenyougetcaughtup
inthefloweryveil.
Forexample(1)
WhenevermymindspinsoffinaTrickstory
andatacertainpointIwakeup(mostlybe-
causeIbegintofeelsad,orphanedorform-
less),Isay:
“But…youwerehomealready!Youarefine!”
Itpropelsmerightbackintomyself.
87 Pastthegate~EstherTeule
Forexample(2)
WhenInoticeIamshatteredandlosemyself
intheneedsofothers(mostlybecauseIbegin
tofeelstressed,unfocusedorirritated)I
remembermyPower.
Itcutsthroughthefloweryveilinnotime.
Puttingmeonmyowntwofeetagain.
(Justsoyouknow:Don’tthinkthatI
rememberthisallthetime.Iforgetandthen
rememberagain….itisanongoingpracticethat
allowsyoutobecomebetterandbetteratit.)
Question:
Butwhydoyouforget?
Howcanyougetentangledwhenyouhave
arrivedalready?
Goodquestion.
Iguess...
breakingahabitofalifetimeisn’teasy.
Ittakesdedication,willingnessandwork
(asmentionedbefore).
88Pastthegate~EstherTeule
EstablishingSelfLoveislikeattendingtoa
beautifulrose.
Itneedscare,attention,warmthandlight.
Andweeding.
Sodoyou.
Andwhatismoresatisfyingthanlookingafter
somethingprecious?Todedicateyourlifeto
findingandpolishingthegeminside?Itisthe
bestyouhavetooffer,it’syourhappinessand
beauty,thepricelesstruthaboutwhoyouare.
89Pastthegate~EstherTeule
4PasttheGate
Sohereweare,youandme.
Standinginawideopenfieldbeyondthegate,
asoftbreezetouchingourskin.Wemaylook
intoeachother’seyesandseenotwhatwe
need,butwhatweare.
Thereisdeeploveandfreedominthis.
Pastthegate,allisdifferentandyetallisthe
same.Everythingchangedandyetnothingdid.
Youarestillgoodoldyou.
Youarestillmoodyandstressed.
Stillcan’trememberyourbanknumber.
Youmaystillfeelsadaboutthelossofthe
Parents,aboutlettinggoofthesafeclan,
thesafestory.
90Pastthegate~EstherTeule
Youmayfeelaloneyetpowerful.
Freeandstrong.
Readytowalkthisnewland.
Also
youmayfeeltrappedagainafterawhile,
encounteringevendeeperlayersofunlove,
cloudingyournewfoundfreedom.
Thisisnotaset-back.Itismerelyasignof
progress.
Itisexactlyhowitshouldbe.
91 Pastthegate~EstherTeule
Layersofunlove
RememberImentionedthatthethreeStepsof
goingthroughthegatewereintruthamysteri-
ousunfolding,movinginspiralsinsteadofan
orderlypathgoingsomewhere?
Thereisneverarealmomentofarriving.
Thereisonlyameltingofresistanceandalet-
tinggo.
Inthismeltingprocess,yourself-imagecrum-
bles.
Yousee,yourself-imagewascreatedbythe
Two-stepTrick,amind-modeledhouseof
cardswithalotofexclamationmarkswritten
alloverit.
92Pastthegate~EstherTeule
Someofthesebeliefsaboutwhoyouarecrum-
blewhilegoingthroughthegate,othersmay
onlybereadytomeltinthewideopenspace
beyondit.
Sodonotfeeldiscouragedwhenstuffcomes
up.Anddon’tgiveuponyourself!
Takeabreathandbewillingtolookagain.Be
willingtofeelthehurtorthemistorthean-
geranddiverightin.Connectwithit,lookfor
truth.
Freedomcannotbefound;itwillfindyou
whenyouarereadytoletgo.Thisprocess
cannotberushed.
Deeperanddeeperyougo,embracingyet
morelayersofunlovewithin.Andeachtime
unloveismetandseenthrough,itislikeyou
dissolveaswell.
93 Pastthegate~EstherTeule
ThisiswhatIfound:
Whenyourinnerhouseofcardscrumbles,you
willnotfindasolidhouseunderneath.
Whatyouwillfindisemptiness.
Evermoving,filledtothebrimemptiness,in-
vitingyoutoletgoofthelastcard.
Andthat
isyet
anotheradventure.
94Pastthegate~EstherTeule
Somelastwords
You’vecomeallthisway!
You’vemeltedwhatwasfrozen.
Grievedandcriedaboutwhatwasn’ttherefor
you.
Healedyourcorewound.Lovedwhatwasonce
unlovedandfoundyourselfagain.
Itmayfeellikeyouhavesailedsoloaroundthe
world!
Infact
youhaven’tmovedaninch.
Yousimplyfreedyourbeliefs
aboutwhatwasneverdamaged,neverde-
stroyed.
Alwaysrighthere.
95 Pastthegate~EstherTeule
Yousee,youdidn’tbecomeaBetterYou.
YoujustbecameYou.
Andwiththesewords
we’vecometotheendofthisbook.
Adeepbowfrommetoyou.
96Pastthegate~EstherTeule
PasttheGateWorkshops
If,afterreadingthisbook,youareinterestedin
attendingaPasttheGateWorkshopwithme,
pleasegotomywebsitewww.estherteule.comformoreinformation.
I’dlovetomeetyouinpersonsomeday!
Thank yousThankyouBethanyWebster(www.womboflight.com)forguidingmethroughthegateandencouragingmetogobeyond.Youwillbeinmyheartalways.ThankyoulovelyMorvanGroupforinspiringmetowritethisbookandsharingyourinnerworldswithme,youareawesome!ThankyouMaryandKirstyforreadingandeditingandsharingyourthoughtswithme,Isoenjoyedthat.ThankyouTirzaformakingmyworklookbeautiful,asalways,loveyou.ThankyouTraceyforlettingmeuseyouradorabledrawingforthecover.ThankyouRuudandFloor,Iloveyoubothbeyondwords...thankyouforyourfeedback,supportandlove!