Qabeelat Wasat - Protect This House · This class is all about the earnestness of love. We learned...

QabeelatWasat ProtectThisHouseFebruary2017 ShaykhYaserBirjas

IntheNameofAllah,theMostBeneficent,theMostMerciful

AllpraiseisduetoAllah theLordoftheuniverse.AndpeaceandblessingsbeuponHisbelovedMessengerMuhammad ,hisfamily,andhispiousfollowerswhofollowhisguidance.BythegraceandmercyofAllah ,wehavecompilednotesforShaykhYaserBirjas’class“ProtectThisHouse:TheMuslimFamilyInTheModernWorld”.ThesenotesarestudentnotespublishedbyQabeelatWasat.TheyhavenotbeenapprovedbyAlMaghribInstituteorShaykhYaserBirjas.Therefore,wecannotattesttothecompleteaccuracyofthismaterial.AnyIslamicrulingpertainingtoyourpersonalsituationneedstobediscussedwithyourlocalscholar.Thesenotesarebynomeansasubstituteforapersonalizedfatwa.AnybenefityouobtainfromthesenotesarefromAllah whileanyshortcomingsarefromourselves.PleasebeawarethatthesenoteshaveArabicversesofQur’an.Ifyouaretoprinttheseandthendisposeofthem,pleasedosoappropriately.JazakamAllahuKhairan.

TABLE OF CONTENTS Topic PageIntroduction ProtectThisHouse 4FamilyisaLifelongExperienceofBelonging 5DysfunctionalFamily-Chicago 7DysfunctionalFamily-National 8WhatisAdab? 10Adabvs.Khuluq 11 Chapter1:HomeSweetHome DefinitionofFamily 15StructureofFamily 16TypesofFamilyStructure 17FreezingEggs 20WilayahofFatherwhoLefthisFamily 21VisionofaMuslimFamily 25FamilyDivinePrinciples 28ValuesofaMuslimFamily 32 Chapter2:TheLifeofaMuslimCouple TheEtiquetteofaHusbandandWife 43RightsandObligations 46ThreeKindsofMarriage 47RulesofaSuccessfulMarriage 48

FromtheLifeoftheMessengerofAllah 55

TheViciousCycleofConflict 59TheTrapofExpectation 62 Chapter3:Parents,TheGuardians Themeaningof“Birr’l-walidayn” 66TheSignificanceof“Birr’l-walidayn” 68ContemporaryIssuesinDealingwithParents 73 Chapter4:Children,TheAdornmentofLife TheGreatBlessingofHavingChildren 78ChildrenareAmanah 79Boysvs.Girls 81TheDealingswithGirlsBeforeIslam 82TheEtiquetteofaNewborn 84ChildrenandEducation 87ChildrenandDiscipline 89EssentialParentingSkills 90FourStylesofParenting 92 Chapter5:TheExtendedFamily ThePeoplewhocountasArham 95TheImportanceofMaintainingtheTiesofKinship 97TheDangersofSeveringtheTiesofKinship 98 Chapter6:Conclusion 100

Introduction PROTECTTHISHOUSE“ProtectThisHouse”isthereasonwhyweareallhere.Ittakesarealmantobeafather,arealladytobeamother,andanentirecommunitytobuildafamily.Whenitcomestobuildingafamily,wehavetorealizeit’snotapart-timetrivialmatter.Itisnotahobby,norisitajob.It’salife-longexperience.It’saseriousmatter.ForShaykhYaserBirjas,“ProtectThisHouse”hasastory.Inhissecondseminar,hewaswonderingwhatkindoftopictheyshouldcover.Whatdopeopleaskquestionsaboutthemost?Henoticedalotofissuespertainingtofamilyandmarriage.MostoftheAlMaghribstudentsbackinthosedayswerecollegestudents.Therewas“FiqhofLove”,aspecialclassdesignedforthis.Itwasadoubleweekendseminar.Inthatclass,theydiscussedeverythingrelatedtofamilyandmarriage,love(haram,halal)—allaspectsoffiqhandpsychologyrelatedtothatmatter.Thenmanyofthosestudentsgothypedupandgotmarried,andafewyearslater,theycomebacktoShaykhYaser:wegotmarried,andnowweareintrouble!Theyasked,“Howdowekeepourmarriage?”Thewifehasissueswithherhusbandandviceversa,asking,“Howdowerevivethisrelationship?”Thentherewasasecondclasscalled“LoveNotes”,whichfocusedonwhatthehusbandandwifeneedtoknowinordertorekindleloveandrechargethosebeautifulemotions.Itincludedtipstosustaintherelationship,communication,andsoon.Itwasanamazingseminar.Thenafewyearslater,thosepeoplecamebacktoShaykhYaser,andcomplained,saying,“Nowwehavekids,andnowbecauseofthesekids,wehavealotofconflictbetweenhusbandandwife,parentsandchildren,childrenandparents,in-laws,siblings…Howarewegoingtomanagealltheseissues?”Therefore,wehavethis“ProtectThisHouse”class.Thisclassisaboutfamilylifeinthemodernworld.Thisclassisallabouttheearnestnessoflove.WelearnedfromIbnHazmin“LoveNotes”thattherearetwophasesoflove:jestingaboutloveandtheearnestnessoflove.Thisclasswillbeabouttheearnestnessoflove—thesecondphase.Peopleneedtounderstandthedifferencebetweenahouseandahome.

• House:abuilding,canevenbeatent• Home:everythingthatisinsidethathouse

Thisclassiscalled“ProtectThisHouse,”butweareactuallyreferringtoprotectingtheinnerstructureofthishouse.

FAMILYMEMBERSHIPInregardstofamily,membershipismandatory.Onceyou’rebornintoafamily,thereisnoquitting.Youcannotquit—there’snosuchthingasanexpiredmembership.There’snosuchthingas“don’tcallme”,“don’tspeaktome”,“Idon’tknow”.Ifyouhavebloodrelations,youareconsideredrelated.Whatifyou’resour?Wewilltalkaboutit.Whatifmyparentsareabusive?Wewilldiscusstheseissuesbecausetheyareseriousmatters.Inafamily,acceptanceisabsolutelyunconditional.Butwhatifyoursondecidestotakeapathdifferentthantheoneyouchartedforhim?Youwantedhimtobereligiousandahafidh,buthechoseadifferentpath.Canyoucuthimoff?Youcanifyouwantto,butyouwouldneedtodealwiththisissuewisely.Whatifyourbrotherorsisterdoessomethingyoudisapproveofreligiouslyandculturally?Howdoyoumanagethesedifferences?Especiallyifthesechoicescanbetrulydangerousforourselves,children,andthewell-beingofiman.Wewilldiscussthis.Whenitcomestofamily,weneedtounderstandthatthenobilityofthefamilyisitsdiversity.Whatdoesthatmean?Someparentstrytocreateasystemofparentinglikeonesizefitsall.Theywantalltheirkidstobehuffadh,handsome/beautiful,straightAs,allathletic,etc.Butwhentheirkidsfitsomethingelse,havocwreaksandparentsstartfightingasmanyfitan(trials)arise.Weneedtoteachourselvesasparentsthatsometimes,thestrengthofourfamilycomesfromunderstandingitsdiversity.Thefamilyisdiverseinlevelofeducation,interestsinlife,emotionalintelligence,etc.Thisunitofdiversityissobeautifulandamazing.FAMILYISALIFELONGEXPERIENCEOFBELONGINGThereisnosuchthingasspendingafewyearsinthefamilyandthat’sit;evenwhenyougrowolder,youwillcomebacktothefamily.Thisconceptmainlymanifestsitselfintheyoungerones.Whentheybecometeenagers,theywanttoleavethehouseand“livelife”.Whenparentstrytoteachthemsomethingorencouragethemtospeakacertainlanguage,oreatcertainfood,theydon’twantto,andtheyrefuse.Thenmaybeat25or30yearsold,Theysuddenlystartspeakingthatlanguageandreturningtotheirtraditionalculture.Whathappened?Whenwesettledown,weliketodosoinacomfortableandfamiliarplace.Thatiswhatwelearnfromourhouses.Kidsmayrebel,buttheyreturnduetothislifelongexperienceofbelongingtoonefamilyandonegroupofpeople.Don’tcutthemoff.Whenitcomestofamilylife,itisasourceofstability.Oneofbiggestissuesisemotionalstability.Familyisagroupofpeopleyoucanleanonwhenthingsbecomedifficult.Besidesthat,financialsupportisimportantespeciallyasparentsgrowolderandweaker,andtheyareunabletosustaintheirlivelihood;theyexpecttheirchildrenwillbearoundtosupportthem.Olderonessupportyoungeronesandviceversa.Thereisasenseofstability.

FAMILYSIZESARESHRINKINGNowadays,changesintheMuslimfamilyareactuallycausingsomanydifferentexperiences.Forexample,oneofbiggestchangescurrentlyisthedownsizingoffamily:from10kidstomaybe1or2kidsandapet.Familiesarebecomingsmaller.Weallthinkofitfromaneconomicperspective—don’twanttohavetoomanykids,tooexpensive,orbothparentsareworkingsoitwillbehardtohavetoomanykids.Thatchangehasarippleeffect,asthereareextremechangesinthefamily,includingemotionalchanges,financialchanges,andevenchangesinthemother-in-lawanddaughter-in-lawrelationship.Thereissomuchcompetitionoverfewerkids.

SHAREDSPACEINTHEFAMILYFamilyisanorganizedinstitutionofloveandresponsibility.Thesearesharedspaces.Forexample,parentscomplaintoShaykhYaseraboutsiblingsbickering.Howshouldtheydealwiththisissue?ShaykhYasertellsthemnottostopit,andaslongasthereisnoblood,it’sfine.Siblingsbickeringwitheachotherisactuallyapartofthesocialtrainingforkids;it’snotnecessarilythebesttraining,butitiswhatitis.Disappointmentandfrustrationarenegativeemotionsthatarereal,andtheywillhavetodealwiththisintheoutsideworld.Ifparentsalwayscometotherescuewhentheirkidsaredealingwithsomenegativefeelings,thenkidsneverdevelopthestamina,thethickskintodealwiththesesituationsinreallife.Slowlyandgradually,kidsneedtogrowandlearn.Asparents,weareresponsibletokeeporder.Thisisthesocialactoflearning.Kidsneedtotakecareofthemselves.Theylearnfromeachother.Youngeroneslearnfromolderones,andtheolderoneslearntotakecareofyoungerones.Afewmonthsago,ShaykhYaser’swifewentoverseas,andshetooktheir6-yearoldgirl.TheotherthreekidsstayedwithShaykhYaser.Ashedrovebackfromtheairport,he’sthinking,WhathaveIdonetomyself?Schoolisstillgoingon,etc.Themomenttheyenteredthehouse,theoldersonsaid,“Icalldishes.”Theotheronesaid,“Icalllaundry.”Othersaid,“Icallfloorandvacuum.”Hedidn’tevenaskforanyofthatstuff.Theyknowitisasharedspace.Theydidn’tnecessarilykeeptheirwordontheirown,butwithreminders,theydid.Assoonasmomcameback,everyonedroppedtheirassignments.Why?BecauseMamaishere!Butstill,theyarelearning.Thehomeisaninstitutionwherepeoplelearntoloveandrespect,andevenfrustrationanddisappointmentisalearningexperience.Asaparent,onehastomonitorandtakedirectionsandmaketherightdecisions.

THEEXTENSIONOFHUMANITYWhenitcomestofamily,weneedtounderstandthatfamilyisnothingbuttheextensionofhumanity—manymenandwomen,differentages,andbackgrounds.It’simportantforallofustoensurewehaveahealthyextensionofthathumanity.Thereisaspecificattackonfamilyinthissociety,andanextremeliberalprogressiveagendathatredefiningfamilyandmarriage.AsMuslims,wecannotreallyopposethelawoftheland,butwehavetokeepourvaluesaswell.Whatdoesfamilymeantous?Whataboutthechangesthatarehappeningtoday?Thisclassisallaboutrelationships:parentsandchildren,childrenandparents,betweenchildrenthemselves,in-laws,extendedfamily,uncles,cousins,etc.Whenspouseshaveissuesbetweenthemselves,thechildrenbecomethe“battlefield,”asparentstrytokeeptheirkidsforthemselves.Instead,theyshouldbefocusedonthemainrelationshipthatmakeskidshappyi.e.therelationshipbetweenhusbandandwife.IN-CLASSACTIVITYWhatcausesafamilytobedysfunctional?Thisactivitywillshowustheproblemswehaveinourownfamiliesinthisspecificcommunity.Everycommunitybringssomecommonproblems,buteachcommunityisunique.Onecommunitysaysfinancialproblems(thiscommunitymaybefromalowersocioeconomicclass).Anothercommunitymaysayproblemswithcommunication(more“luxury”communities).Brothers:

1.) Lackofcommunication2.) Disrespect(culturalaspectsmayplayarole)3.) Finances,money,expenses

Sisters:

1.) Lackofcommunication2.) Taqwa,lackofspirituality,lackofrelationship

withAllah (theirhouseisemptyofspirituality;husbanddoesn’thelpwifeteachkidsQur’an,orhedoesn’twakeupforFajr)

3.) Culturaldifferences(whichmeninterprettomeandisrespect)Lackofcommunicationrankednumber1forbothmenandwomeninthisqabeelah.Culturedidn’tscoreonthetopfiveinmostqabeelahs,butitrankshereinChicago—Chicagoisaverydiversecommunity,butitisalsoverysegregatede.g.DesisintheNorth,ArabsintheSouth.Theremustbeactionitems.Mostofourmasaajidareveryactiveinoutreachprograms,buthowmanymasaajidintheareahavearegularclassoncommunication?Howmanymasaajidhavearegisteredfamilytherapist?Theseissuesareverycrucial,butwedon’tseemtobeveryactiveinpromotingsuchactivities.

TheChicagocommunityneedstoaddresssomeissues:

1.) Stereotypes• Arabsvs.Desi,revertsvs.bornMuslim,immigrants,etc.

2.) Prejudice

• For example, feeling uncomfortable praying next to someone of a differentculture

• Potentialspousesandproposals,familymayfeeluncomfortablewithadifferentculture

3.) Discrimination• Ifyourcultureisjudgmental,itisaproblemwithyourculture

Just like the corporate world has cultural sensitivity, we too need to be inclusive as acommunity.TOP5REASONSFORADYSFUNCTIONALFAMILYIntheNationalCommunity,theserankedasthetop5forcausingfamilydiscord:

1.) Work• Beingbusypreventsapersonfromhavingqualitytimewiththefamily• Youdon’thavetoapologizeforwhatyouneedtodoe.g.workinglonghours• Butyouneedtocompensate,maybewakeupabitearliertohavebreakfastwith

yourfamilyorprayFajrtogether• Compensationforyour5amto5pmshift

2.) Communication• Dealsalotwithlackofcommunication• Italsocomesfrombeingtoobusyi.e.youdon’thavetimetocommunicate• Iffamilymembersdohavetime,theyhaveshortcircuitsandstartfighting• Yoursilencecanactuallybeaformofcommunication

o Somepeoplethinkthatifyoudon’ttalk,youdon’tfight.o Andwhentheydiscusstheirissues,theysay,“Well,Ididn’tsayanything.”o That’saproblem,becausesilencecanbenegativecommunication

3.) Societaldynamics

• Rolesofthewifeandhusbandarebeingredefinedduetomanyculturalchanges• Thisalsoimpactsfinances

4.) Media

• Everythinghastodowithmedia,especiallyvisual• Mediaportraysafalseimageoffamilylife• Ifyouwatchmoviesorreadbooks,yourealizeit’snotevenreal

• Actorsliveanamazingfamilylifeinthemovies,butthesesameactorswishtheytrulyhadthatkindoflifewiththeiractualfamilies

• TheymayhaveahappymarriageinaTVprogram,butnotinreallife• Evendivorce is idealized inmovies; the couplehasadivorcebut theyare still

okaywitheachotherandthekidsgobetweenmomanddad• Itseemssoamazing,butit’snotreal

5.) Infidelity

• Cheatinghasbecomeagreatissuetodaybecauseittakesmultipleforms• Notmanypeopleperceivethesemethodsascheating• Thefirstthingthatcomestomindistheactualphysicalcheatingbetweenaman

andwoman;i.e.zina/adultery• Butwithsocialmedia,itisveryeasyforpeopletochatwiththeoppositegender,

evenatwork• Youcanfindpicturesandvideosonlineoftheoppositegender• Allofthiscandestroyhouseholdsandfamilies• Inpast,anyonewhowantedtocheatneededtoexerteffort• Nowadays,ifyouhaveasmartphone,youbecomeveryvulnerable• Manyhusbandsandwivesfallintothistemptation

o In the past, when people fell into such traps, the mistakes would getburied,anditwouldbeapersonalissuebetweenthemandAllah

o Butnowinthedigitalworld,nothinggetsdeleted;anyonecangrabyourphoneorlaptopwhichmaybesyncedtogether

o So,suchbehaviorismoreeasilyexposedandmaycausemanyproblemsbetweenahusbandandwife.

Basedonasurvey,divorcehasincreased12%inAmerica.38%ofthesecasesarerelatedtoFacebook,whichmadeiteasyforpeopletoreconnectwitholdfriends.Wecansometimesbreaktherulesofmodestyinthissocietywithoutevenknowingit.Thus,weneedtoupholdtheprinciplesofhayya.Asanactionitemforthecommunity,bothindividuallyandasfamily,weneedtoreadaboutthese issues inorderto improvethequalityofourfamilies.Readaboutefficiencytohelpyoucombat thebusynatureof life inaddition to learning timemanagementskills.Whenwereadbooksaboutcommunication,wewillrealizethis isaskillthatdealsheavilywithemotionalintelligence.Itnotonlyappliestohusbandandwife,butalsotoparentsandkids,in-laws,etc.EmotionalIntelligence2.0byTravisBradberryisagoodbooktoreaddealingwiththisissue.In regards to social dynamics, reading about this topicwill help us learn about the realrules ofmarriage.Wemight see things in themedia, but theymay not be real. Just likephysics,marriagehas rules. If you throw somethingup, itwill comedown. If you throwsomething against a wall, it will bounce back at you. Likewise, if you throw a meancommenttoyourwife,shewillprobablythrowameancommentback.

“Iwasonlysenttoperfectgoodmanners.”[Ahmad,Sahih,8952]

WHATISADAB?Adabisderivedfrom i.e.toinvitepeopletogether,usuallyforagoodcausesuchasbanquet,buffet,foodspread,etc.Peoplewillpickthebestfromanopenbuffet.Inaplateoffruit,youpickthefreshest,sweetestfruit.Frommanners,youseehowpeoplebehave,yougetalltheexperiencesandyoupickthebest.Thereisadifferentspectrumbetweenmostbehavedandleastbehavedandeverythinginbetween,andyoupickthebest.The linkhere, though, is thatadabalmost invitesoneto theacquisitionofallqualitiesofexcellence and praiseworthy dispositions and forbids them from acquiring thatwhich iswrong, inappropriate, and evil. Some think adab is just literature, but there is a deepermeaningtoitbeyondtheliterature.Whenyouseesomeonebehavinginthemostbeautifulway,thatisadab.IntheQur’an,Allah says:

“Dowhatisperfectlybeautiful.Allahlovesthosewhodowhatisperfectlybeautiful.”

Surahal-Baqarah,2:195Sointhedeepestsense,adabisbeautifulbeingandbeautifulfeelingandbeautifulthinking–expressingourselvesinbeautifulaction.

v Adabdesignatesawiderangeofsocialandethicalvirtues,likegoodmanners,tact,grace, indulgence towards friends, refined taste, courage, erudition, and literaryskill.

v Adab,thus,iseducationandupbringing,highmoralprinciplesandcorrectbehavior,scholarship,andknowledgeallatonce.

v Adabistoknowhowtospeakcorrectlyandactcorrectlyattherighttimeandplace.

Alackofadabbringsdowntheentirestructure.So,adabisactuallymorethanjustbeing“respectful”assomewhatsuggestedbytheAsianlanguages,suchasUrduandPashtuetc.,andiscloserto:“Acompletecodeofconductandmoralbehaviorwhichdeterminesoureveryactionin

thisworld.”

ADABVS.KHULUQKhuluq is almost synonymouswith adab except that it is something a little bitmorespecific, i.e. itcomesunderadab.Whileadab isthegeneralcodeofconductwithallpossibleaffairswithallpossiblecreation,khuluq,orgoodcharacter,ismoreofaquality,acharacteristicsuchasbravery,whereasadabismoreofhowwebehaveingeneral.Adabmeansmanners,whilekhuluqmeansetiquette(howyoueat,speak,walk,respondtosomeonewhospokeilltoyou).THETRUEVALUEOFADABIn the subject of marriage, in reality, whenever you look back at the deep meaning offamily, it’s all about your adab/akhlaaq/behavior towards your family members. In theconceptofdealingwithfamily,welookatthesubjectofadabandsubjectofakhlaaq.Adab is paramount to learning our religion Infact,thesalafwouldnevertakeanarrationorsomeknowledgefromanyonewhoseadabwasnotuptothestandard.AsIbrahimal-Nakha’isaid,“Ifweweretotakesome‘ilmfromaman,we’d lookathismanners,hisprayer, andhis general conductbeforewe took fromhim.”Someadded,“Wewouldseehowhetreatedhisparentsfirst…”Adab is the Sunnah of the Messenger of Allah

IntheQur’an,Allah says:

“For,indeed,youare(Muhammad)mostsurelyamanofoutstandingcharacter.”Surahal-Taghabun,68:4

TheProphet’s characterearnedhimthetitleAl-SadiqAl-Ameen,becausethatishowhedealt with his family. What do you get from khuluq? The Prophet said, “The bestamongyouarethosewhoarebesttotheirfamily.”Yazidb.Babanussaid,“Wewentto‘A’ishahandsaid,‘Umm’lMu’minin,whatwasthecharacteroftheMessengerofAllah like?’Shereplied,‘HischaracterwastheQur’an.CanyourecitethesurahentitledTheBelievers?’Shesaid,‘Recite:’

“Itisthebelieverswhoaresuccessful:theywhoareduringtheirprayerhumblysubmissive,andtheywhoturnawayfromillspeech,andtheywhoareobservantofzakah,andthosewho

guardtheirprivateparts.”Surahal-Mu’minun,23:1-5Shesaid,‘ThatwasthecharacteroftheMessengerofAllah .’”WhydidtheSahabahaskaboutthecharacteroftheProphet whiletheysawhimeveryday?Theysawhispublicimage,andtheywantedtoknowabouthisprivateimage.Didhebehavethesamewayathome?‘A’ishahexplainedthathismannersweretheQur’an.So,theProphet alwaysfollowedthestandardsoftheQur’an,evenathome.Why is it so hard to have the best manners and akhlaaq with family? Whyisitsoeasywithotherpeople?Wehavetwofaces:oneispublic,andoneisprivate.Inpublic,wesmile,arehappy,gentle,hospitable,kind,andgenerous.Inprivate,itisacompletelydifferentstory.Ourreallifeisjustlikeaselfie–wefakeit.Onetime,ShaykhYaserwasstandinginlinetopickupcoffee.Theladyinfrontofhimspentfiveminutestryingtotaketheperfectselfie.Whileshewastryingtotakethepicture,shewassmiling;butassoonasshegotherpicture,hersmileturnedintoafrown.So,outthere,wemaybeallsmilesandnice,butinside,onlyAllah trulyknows.Characterisnothingbuttherepetitionofcertainbehavior,likewhenyoudosomethingregularly.Ifsomeoneisalwaysajoker,theycallhimaclown.Ifsomeoneisalwaysgrumpy,peoplewillcallhimgrumpy.Itdependsonhowyoubehave.Knowledgeisnotbeneficialunlessittranslatesintoactionthroughmannersandakhlaaq.Unlessitisrepetitiveandconsistent,itisnotconsideredyourcharacter.Thehumanbrainhastwosides:theconsciousandsubconscious.Wealwaysspeaktotheconsciousmind,anditreceivesinformation.Ifthisinformationisnotsolidifiedthroughpractice,itdoesnotenterthesubconscioustobecomearchived.

Theimportanceofkhuluqintermsoffamilyisthatithelpsbuildbridgesbetweenfamilymembers.Manyofusworryaboutfixingtherelationshipsaroundus–wedoeverythinginourpower,butnothingworks!Wegetfrustrated,thenwegetangry.Instead,weneedtofocusonmaintainingourrelationshipwithAllah .Whenwedealwithpeopleusingmanners,itisnotbecausetheydeserveit.Itisbecausewedeservetobegoodandtodotherightthing.The effect of adab is never lost upon a person. Youwillalwaysrememberthekindnessandcourtesyofsomeoneaboveanyothertraitorcharacteristic.Wheneverythingelsedisappears,adabisleftbehind.Peoplemayforgeteverythingthatyousaidtothem–buttheywillneverforgetyouradab.Theywillneverforgethowyoumadethemfeel.Abu’lDarda’saidthatonewithgoodcharacterwillentertheGardenwhereastheonewithbad–theFire.Theonewithgoodadabandkhuluqisforgivenwhilstheisasleep!Umm’lDarda’said,“Andhowisheforgivenwhenheisasleep?!”BecausehisMuslimbrotherawakesinthemiddleofthenight,praysthenightprayerandmakesdu’atoAllah ,anditisaccepted.Heasksforforgivenessforhissleepingbrotheranditisaccepted.Ifyouaretravelin,inhardship,orfeelinglonely,andsomeonedoessomethingforthesakeofgoodness,howhappydoesthatmakeyou?Howmuchdu’adowemakeforthatperson!?Adab is like a land with fortresses InordertoprotectourimanandTawheed,wemustsurroundourselveswithdifferentlayers–especiallyduringthesetimes.Thefirstlayerofprotectionisthelayerofmannersandetiquette.Howdowebehaveifsomeonesayssomethingbadtous?Howdowerespond?Havinggoodadabwillhelpusprotectouridentityandcommunity.Adabislikealandwithfortresses;the1stmadeofgold,2ndofsilver,3rdofiron,4thofbakedclay,andthe5thofnormalbrick.Ifthe5thisdefendedproperly,theenemieswillnevergetin,butiftheybecomelazyandneglectful,they’llbreakintothefirst,andthentothesecond,andthentothethirduntiltheydestroythelot.Likewise,imanisfivefortresses:the1stisyaqin(certainty),2ndisikhlas(sincerity),3rdisfulfillingtheobligations(fara’id),4thisfulfillingthesunnan,and5thisthepreservationofadab.Aslongasthe5thispreservedandfocusedupon,theShaytanwillnevergetin,butifheleavesadab,thentheShaytanwillstarttodevourhissunnan,thenhisfara’id,thenhisikhlas,andthenfinallyhisyaqin.

CHAPTER ONEHome Sweet Home

Chapter 1: home sweet home What is a family?

DEFINITIONFamilyisadivinelyinspiredinstitutionwithmarriageatitscore.

“Omankind,fearyourLord,whocreatedyoufromonesoulandcreatedfromititsmateanddispersedfrombothofthemmanymenandwomen.AndfearAllah,throughwhomyouask

oneanother,andthewombs.IndeedAllahisever,overyou,anObserver.”Surahal-Nisa,4:1

AMuslimfamilyconsistsofalegallymarriedcouple(husbandandwifewithanikah)andtheirchildren.Italsoincludestheirparents,siblings,andotherrelatives.AMuslimfamilycomesintoexistencethroughtwomeans:bloodrelationshipandmarriage.

“AnditisHewhohascreatedfromwaterahumanbeingandmadehim[arelativeby]lineage

andmarriage.AndeverisyourLordcompetent[concerningcreation].”Surahal-Furqan,25:54

Isacityhallorcourtmarriageenough?Manyyoungmenandwomendonotknowthedifferencebetweenthisandanikah.Theygotocourt,getamarriagelicense,andconsiderthemselvesmarried.Thisisnotenough–anikahisrequired.

STRUCTUREThetraditionalMuslimfamilyisextended,oftenspanning3ormoregenerations.3Layers

1. InnerFold–husbandandwife,theirparentsandancestors,theirchildrenandoffspring(closestkin;mostvaluable)

2. CentralFold–theMahram(unmarriageablekin)3WaystoEstablishMahramrelationship:

BloodRelations–brothersandsisters,unclesandaunts,andnephewsandniecesMarriage–father-in-law,mother-in-law,son-in-law,daughter-in-law,stepparents,andstepchildrenThemomentthenikahisdone,themother-in-lawandfather-in-lawbecomeMahramtothehusbandandwifeforever–evenifthereisnoconsummationofthemarriage.Asforstepchildren,theydonotbecomeMahramtothestepparentsuntiltheconsummationofthemarriage.Isthebrother-in-lawconsideredMahram?No,notatall!

Breastfeeding–similartoabiologicalchildIfachildisnursedinafamily,itisasiftheyareabiologicalchildinthatfamily(milksibling).Thedifferenceisthatthischilddoesnotreceiveinheritance.Cananywealthbeputasideforthem?Yes–upto1/3.Howmanytimesdoesthechildhavetobenursed?Anarrationby‘A’ishah says5fullmeals(eitherthebabystopsnursingorfallsasleep).Thisnursingperiodtakesplaceinthefirsttwoyears.

3. OuterFold–cousinsandtheirchildren,brother-in-lawandsister-in-lawandtheir

children(extendedfamily)

OuterFold

CentralFold

InnerFold

TYPESOFFAMILYSTRUCTUREAmericanfamilystructurehaschangeddramaticallyoverthelast50years.MuslimAmericanfamilystructureismovingslowlyinthesamedirection.Herearesomeofthemostcommontypesoffamilystructureinthissociety:A.)NuclearFamily:traditionalfamily–twoparentsandtheirchildrenThistypeoffamilywaslongheldinesteembysocietyasbeingtheidealinwhichtoraisechildren.Childreninnuclearfamiliesreceivestrengthandstabilityfromthetwo-parentstructureandgenerallyhavemoreopportunitiesduetothefinancialeaseoftwoadults.Weoftenimagineastandardfamilyasamotherandfatherwiththeirchildrenandpetsrunningthroughameadow–thisisnotthecase!Therearemanydifferentstyles/shapes/sizesoffamilies.

1. SingleChildFamily–ahusbandandwifehaveonlyonechildAcommonstereotypeisthatthechildisspoiledandfeelsentitledtosuccessandhappiness–theparentsareunderemotionalpressurebecausetheyonlyhaveonechild!Theyfeeltheneedtocompensateforeverything.Coupleswhohavemorechildrenhavemoresecureemotions.Parentswhohaveonlyoneortwochildrenendupbeingmorecontrolling–theymicromanageinordertoprotectandsavetheirchildren.Theywanttocontroltheoutcomeoftheirlives,andtheyfearuncertainty.Thedynamicsofasmallfamilyaredifferenttothedynamicsofalargefamily.Forexample,peoplemaythinkthatthereismorefinancialstabilitywithasmallerfamily.However,alargerfamilycreatesmorefinancialstability.Whencoupleshavemultiplechildren,theyhavemoreemotionalstabilityaswell.

Thereisnothingwrongwithasmallfamilyoralargefamily!

2. SingleChild-GenderFamily–ahusbandandwifehavetwoorthreechildren,buttheyareallthesamegender

Thereisnoproblemwiththis!Allah givesasHepleases.Intermsofupbringing,though,theremightbesomedifficultaspects.Forexample,whenboysgrowupwithouthavingsistersaround,theymightnotbeabletounderstandtheoppositegender–theymaynothaveahighlevelofemotionalintelligence.Or,ifgirlsgrowupwithoutbrothers,theymaynotknowhowtodealwiththeminthefuture.

3. AdoptedChildFamily–ahusbandandwifeadoptachild,whethertheyhavechildrenoftheirownornotManyyoungcoupleschoosetodelayhavingchildrenuntiltheyareready.Thistypicallydealswithfinishingschoolorspendingtimeontheircareers.Bythetimetheydecidetohavechildren,theymayhaveadifficulttimebiologically–sotheymakethedecisiontoadopt.TheIslamicsystemiscalledkafaalah,anditismorelikeasponsorship.Itinvolvesraisingachildasamemberofthefamilywhilekeepingtheirfamilynameandlineage.TheproblemwithadoptionistheMahramissue.Ifacoupleadoptsaboy,heisnotMahramtohisadoptivemotheroncehereachespuberty.Fromafiqhperspective,shewouldhavetowearhijabinfrontofhimandhaveaformalrelationship–thisismucheasiersaidthandone.Whatisthesolution?Thesolutionistogivethechildthemother’smilk.Ifthechildisundertwoyearsofage,thisveryiseasytodo.Ifthechildisolder,and/orthemothercannotproducemilk,thenhersistercannursethechild.Thisisacase-by-casescenariothatwillbeexplainedindetaillateron.

ü Whataboutfosterfamilies?Thisisanewtrendthesedays.

Afosterfamilysituationistemporary,whileadoptionispermanent.Thestatepayslicensedandregisteredfamiliestotemporarilytakecareoffosterchildrenuntilpermanentaccommodationscanbemadeforthem(adoption).FosterhomesmayhavethesamedilemmaintermsofMahram.Islamically,itispermissibletohaveachildincustody.Takingyoungchildrenispreferablebecauseitiseasier.Communitiesmusthaveregisteredfosterhomes.Weshouldmakesuretofindoutwhichfamiliesareregistered.Fosterchildrenaresenttoanyhomeontheregisteredlist–Muslimornon-Muslim.WedonothaveenoughMuslimfosterhomesregistered!

B.)ExtendedFamily:MultipleadultslivingtogetherwhoarerelatedeitherbybloodormarriageInadditiontoparents,extendedfamiliesmayalsoincludeuncles,aunts,cousins,andgrandparents.Familymemberscanworktowardscommongoalssuchasraisingthechildrenandkeepingupwiththehouseholdduties.Thistypeoffamilystructuremayformduetofinancialdifficultiesorbecauseolderrelativesandunabletocareforthemselvesalone.Thisiseconomic–itcanhelpfamiliessavemoney.Theycanpooltheirmoneytogetherandfindabiggeraccommodation.

Isitbettertohaveajointfamily,oraseparatefamily?Manyfamilieschoosetolivetogetherbecauseofemotionalgratification–theparentsaretryingtosecuretheirretirementplansubconsciously.Theywanttomakesurethattheirchildrenarealwaysaround.Oncetheirchildrenleave,parentscandevelopemotionalanxiety.Iftheyhaveafinancialplan,theycanmanagetheiremotions.

ü Shouldyourparentslivewithyouafteryougetmarried?Islamically,youarenotobligatedtolivewithyourparentsormakethatarrangement.Whenyougetmarried,youcanhaveaseparateaccommodation.Isitbettertohaveyourparentslivewithyou,ornot?TheIslamicanswerisneutral,whichmeansthatitisonacase-by-casebasis.Ifitisculturallyacceptable,andyoudonothaveanyproblemswithit,thenitisfine.Iflivingwithyourparentsiscreatingproblems,thenyoudonothavetodoso.However,ifparentsareillorcannotsupportthemselvesfinancially,thentheirchildrenareobligatedtotakecareofthem.

C.)SingleParentFamily:oneparentraisingonechildormanychildrenonhisorherownOften,asingleparentfamilyisamotherwithherchildren,althoughtherearesinglefathersaswell.Thesingleparentfamilyisthebiggestandmostobviouschangesocietyhasseenintermsofthechangesinfamilystructures.Manytimes,weoverlookthesituationofsinglefathers,eventhoughtherearemanysuchindividualsinourcommunities.Theyoftenfeeloverlookedassocietyusuallydiscussestheissuesofsinglemoms.

ü Aresingleparentsallowedtoadoptachild?Yes.

ü ButwhataboutestablishingtheMahramrelationshipforchildrenover2yearsold?Forexample,howwouldasingleparentadopta5yearoldchild?ShaykhYasirdiscussedthisissuewithmanyscholars,andtothispointintime,hehasstillnotreceivedasatisfactoryanswer.ScholarsgiveaverygenericanswerbasedonthestoryofSalimMawlaAbiHudhayfah .AbuHudhayfah hadthischildservinginhishouse,butasSalimstartsgrowingup,AbuHudhayfahstartstofeeluncomfortable.ThewifeofAbuHudhayfahgoestotheProphet andexplainsthatSalimislikeherchildwhileAbuHudhayfahfeelsuncomfortable.So,theProphettoldher:‘arthi’i(nursehim).ButIslamically,thismeanstogivehimmilkinanywaypossibleevenifitbebypumpingthemilkout.Afterreceivingthiscommand,thewifeofAbuHudhayfahgavemilktoSalimwhothenbecameMahram.

ü OneofrulesofbecomingMahramdictatesthatthecutoffforbreastfeedingis2yearsoldis.Thischildwas10yearsold,sohowdowereconcilethisdifference?SomescholarssaytheProphet wasgivinganexecutiveorder,whichoverrodethefiqhruling.However,themajorityoffuqahasaythatifitwereanexecutiveorder,thentherulingwouldbecontainedonlywithinthatincident(i.e.exclusivelyforSalim).Wemayhaveanopportunitytoexpandthisrule.SincethesituationofSalimwasunique,youcanapplythissameruleinsimilaruniquecircumstances.Thisisanoptionforahusbandandwifetoadoptolderchildren.ShaykhYasirBirjasisnotahugefanofthisopinion,buthedoesnotobjectifothersfollowit.

ü Isthereaspecificamountofmilkthatthechildmustdrink?

Ifthechildis2yearsold,heorshemustdrink5fullmeals(i.e.untilthechildfallsasleepwhiledrinkingorheorshestops).Butwhatabouta10yearsoldchild?Thechildmustdrinkenoughmilkthatwouldsatisfyhimorher.

ü Areunmarried/singleindividualsallowedtoadopt?

Yes,butkeepinmindthatheorsheneedstoestablishtheMahramrelationshipifthechildistheoppositegender.Ifamanadoptsaboy,theproblemissolved.Likewise,ifawomanadoptsagirl,theproblemissolved.

ü Saythataladyhasbeenmarriedforafewyears,butshecannotconceive.Her

biologicalclockisticking,andsheisafraidtowaitanylonger.Issheallowedtofreezesomeofhereggsforalaterpointintime?Yes,sheisallowedtofreezehereggsaslongasthelab/agencyisreputable,andtherewillbenocrosscontamination.Furthermore,whenshefreezeshereggs,itmustbefertilizedwithherhusband’ssperm.

ü Isthiswomanallowedtodonatesomeofhereggstoanotherwoman?

No,shecannotdonatehereggstoanyoneelse.

ü Whataboutasinglewomanwhoisnotgettingmarriedsoon,butshemightgetmarriedlater?Issheallowedtofreezehereggs?Yes,withthesameprecautionslistedabove.Theremustbeaguaranteeofnocrosscontamination.

ü Thereisahusbandandwife,andthewifefrozesomeofhereggs.Thehusband

hadanaccidentanddied.Inthatperiodwhenheisdead,issheallowedtofertilizehereggswithhissemenwhileshecarriesthebaby?No.Whenthemanisdead,shecannothavehereggsfertilizedwithhissemen.

ü Whatifthemanisonlifesupport?So,technically,heisnotdead.Issheallowedtohavehereggsfertilizedwithhissemen?Mostscholarssayno,shecannothaveachildinthismannerbecauseheisinthepositionofbeingdead.Therearesomanyfiqhrulingspertainingtosimilarsituations;forexample,ifamanisonhisdeathbedandstartsdistributinghismoney,wealth,andestatesamongfamilymembers,thisdistributionisIslamicallyconsiderednull.Itisalsonotallowedforsomeonetodistributeallofhisorherwealthafterdiscoveringheorsheonlyhas6monthstoliveduetocancer.Likewise,itwouldnotbepermissibletofertilizethewoman’seggwithhisspermwhileheisonlifesupport.

ü AMuslimwomannevergotmarried,butshewouldlovetohaveachildofher

own.Issheallowedtofreezehereggsbyinjectingthespermofadonor?Absolutelynot.

ü Areweallowedtobeorgandonorforsperm?

ü Isawomanallowedtowashherhusband’sbodyifhedies?Yes,andviceversa.Itisverycrueltopreventherfromdoingso.Aisha oncehadaheadache,andtheProphet askedherwhysheiscomplaining.Heexplainedthatifshedies,hewilltakecareofher,washher,andprayherjanazahforher.Also,whenFatimah passedaway,herhusbandAli washedhebody.

ü Saythatamanleaveshisfamily,andhisdaughtergrowsuptobe25yearsold.

Sheisnowgettingmarried.Doesherfatherhavearighttoreturnandassumetheresponsibilityofwilayahagain?Iswilayahbybloodrelation?Thereisadebatebetweenscholarsregardingthismatter.Theysaythatifthefatherleftanddidnotsupportthefamilyfinanciallyinanywayorcareforhiskids,itwillbedependentonthegirl’sdecision.Ifhecomesbackafterwalkingaway,shecandecideifsheacceptshiswilayahornot.Shecanapproveornotapprove.Ifsherefusesherfather’swilayah,thesecondinkinshipwillassumethisresponsibilitysuchasthegrandfather,brother,oruncle.

ü Whatifshehasnofamilymemberstoassumetheresponsibilityofwilayah?

Inthiscase,thereligiousauthorityinthatareabecomesherwali.InMuslimcountries,thesituationisreferredbacktothecourt.HereintheU.S.,thesituationisreferredbacktotheIslamiccenterandImam.

Thereisaruleinfiqhcalledal-saaqitlaaya’ud( ):onceyoudroparightyoucannottakeitback.Forexample,saythatsomeoneowesyou5K,andheasksforanextension.Yourealizethatthismanisnotcapableofpayingyouback,soyouforgivethedebt.Twomonthslater,youseethisindividualenjoyinganabundanceofwealth,andheexplainsthatAllah openedthedoorsofkhairforhim.You

cannotaskforthemoneybackbecauseyoualreadywaivedthedebt!Butifthisindividualoffersyouthemoneyback,youcanstillacceptit.Keepinmindthatyouarenotacceptingthemoneyaspaymentofdebtbutratherascharity.So,ifthefatherwalkedoutonhisfamily,thenhehasnorighttotakebackhisrightsbasedontheconceptofal-saaqitlaaya’ud.

ü Butwhatifthefatheralwayskeptalineofcommunicationwithhiskids,

includinghisdaughters,andprovidedforthemfinancially?Inthiscase,heisstillthewali.However,iftherewasnosupport,hehasforfeitedhisrights.

ü Whatifthemotherremarries,andthestepfatherraisedthegirl,payingfor

herschoolandlifeexpenses?Canthestepfatherbethewali?Technically,heisallowedtotakethepositionofwali,notbecauseofkinship,butbecauseheprovidedforher.However,thisisonlyifthegirldidnothaveotherfamilymemberstoassumetheroleofwali.So,ifherpaternalgrandfatherorpaternaluncleispresent,theywouldserveasthewali.

ü Whatifthemothertakesthekidsandrunsoff,cuttingofftherelationship

withthefather?So,thereisnocommunicationwiththefather.Hetriedtolookallovertheplaceforthem,andoneday,helearnsfromsocialmediathathisdaughterisgettingmarried.Thefatherthengetsintouchwiththedaughter.Doesthismanhavearighttobeherwali?Yes,becauseinthiscase,themandidnotforfeithisrights.Eveniftherewasnofinancialsupportorcommunication,hecanstillbethewalibecausehedidn’tforfeithisrights.

ü Whatifthisgirlinthespecificscenariolistedabovehasastepfatherwhotookcareofherallherlife?Whobecomesthewali?Inthiscase,thebiologicalfatheristheactualwali,butonecanalsotakeintoconsiderationthepastwithherstepfather.

D.)ChildlessFamily:husbandandwifelivingandworkingtogetherwithnochildrenThesecoupleseithercannotorchoosenottohavechildren.Thechildlessfamilyissometimesthe“forgottenfamily”,asitdoesnotmeetthetraditionalstandardssetbysociety.Manychildlessfamiliestakeontheresponsibilityofpetownershiporhaveextensivecontactwiththeirniecesandnephewsasasubstituteforhavingtheirownchildren.

ü Whydocoupleschoosenottohavechildren?Somecouplesarebiologicallyincapableofhavingchildren.Othercouplesmaygetmarriedandjustwanttohavefun,sotheychoosenottohavekids.Perhapstheydon’twanttheresponsibilityofraisingchildren,ortheyhadatoughchildhood

themselves.Somepeopleareentrepreneursandtravelsomuchthattheyjustdon’thavetimeforkids.Islamically,peopleareallowedtomakethatdecision.

ü Isacoupleallowedtogetmarriedundertheconditionthattheywillnothave

kids(i.e.puttingitinthemarriagecontract)?Yes.However,ifthewifegetspregnant,theycannotabort.

ü Whatifthemansayshedoesnotwanttohavekids,andtheladysayssheis

undecided?So,theladyneveragreed.Isthisallowed?Thecouplemustactuallydiscussthisissueandcometoanagreement.

ü Canthedecisionbetemporary?Forexample,choosingnottohavekidsforthe

first2yearsorfirst5yearsofmarriagebecauseyouwanttofinishyourresidency.Yes,itisallowed.

ü Canacouplechoosenottohavekidsforaperiodoftimeinordertotestthe

marriage?Technically,fromafiqhperspective,thecoupleisallowedtomakethisdecision.However,fromapsychologicalperspective,itisanabsolutelywrongdecisiontomake.Onceyouopenthedoorforfailure,thereisan80%chancethatyouwillmeetthatfailure.However,ifacoupledelayshavingkidsforpragmaticreasonssuchaswantingtofinishschoolfirstorwantingtobuyahousefirst,thatisreasonable.Butdelayingkidsjusttotestthemarriageisnotaverygoodidea.Remember,allofthesemattersareintheHandsofAllah .

ü Canconflictbeavoidedifacouplechoosesnottohavekids?

Whetheryouhavekidsornot,therewillalwaysbesomekindofconflictinthemarriage.Thereisnosuchthingasavoidingconflict.Tryingtoavoidconflictisoneofthebiggestmistakesmadeinmarriage,especiallyamongyoungercouples.Alwaystryingtoavoidconflictissettingyourselfupforfailure.Itisnotaboutavoidingconflictbutratherlearninghowtomanageit.Conflictisaninevitablerealityoftherelationship,anditisactuallyasignofgrowth!Everythinginourlivesrevolvesaroundvariables;so,whenthereisconflict,somethinghaschangedthedynamicsintherelationship.Wemustaskourselves,whatchanged?Whenweunderstandthatchange,wecanlearnhowtomanageit.

E.)StepFamily:involvestwoseparatefamiliesmergingintoonenewunitOverhalfofallmarriagesendindivorce,andmanyoftheseindividualschoosetogetremarried,creatingthestepfamily.Itconsistsofanewhusbandandwifeandtheirchildrenfrompreviousmarriagesorrelationships.Stepfamiliesareaboutascommonasthenuclearfamily,althoughtheytendtohavemoreproblems,suchasadjustmentperiodsanddisciplineissues.ThestatusofMahramamongstepchildrenisanotherchallengeforthistypeoffamily.

Oncethemarriageisconsummated,thestepparentsbecomeMahramtothestepchildren.However,thestepsiblingsfromafiqhperspectivearenotMahramtooneanother(i.e.thechildrenofthefatherarenotMahramtothechildrenofthemother).ShaykhYaseraskedscholarshowtoovercomethisissue,butunfortunately,therewasnosolidanswerapartfromthepreviousdiscussionaboutnursing.Ifpeoplechoosetofollowthisopinion,thatisfine.However,somewillsaythattechnically,itisnotarealanswertothisdilemma.

ü Howdidpeopledealwiththeissueofstepsiblingsinthepast?Inthecultureofthepast,bythetimethechildreaches12or13yearsold,heorsheisalreadymarriedandoutofthehouse.So,theissueofstepsiblingsdidnotreallyposeaproblem.Butinourtimes,kidssometimesstaywiththeirparentsuntiltheyare18yearsoldoreven25yearsold.Howdoweovercomethisissuethen?ShaykhYaserknewacoupleinthiskindofsituation,andunfortunatelythemarriageendedbecausethehusbandandwifecouldnotresolvetheissue.

Somewillsuggestthatthechildrenmarryeachother,butthisismucheasiersaidthandone.Ifthechildrenare5and7yearsold,howdotheyjustgetmarried?Itisnotblackandwhite,andthereisnospecificanswertothisquestion.

However,ifthehusbandandwifehaveanotherchildthroughthenewmarriage,thischildbecomesMahramtoalltheotherchildrenfrompreviousmarriages.

ü ArestepparentspermanentMahram?

Yes,oncethemarriageisconsummated,thestepparentbecomesMahramforever.Evenifthecoupledivorces,thestepparentisstillMahram.Beforeconsummationofthemarriage,thestepparentisnotMahramyet.

ü Isahusbandandwifeallowedtohireawomantocarrytheirbabyforthemas

asurrogatemother?So,boththespermandeggcomefromtheactualcouple,andthesurrogatemotherisjusta3rdparty.Thisisnotallowed.Fuqahahavestatedonlyoneconditioninwhichthiswouldbepermissible:ifthemanmarriesthatotherwomanservingasthesurrogatemother,providedthathedoesn’tmarryherjustforthatreason.

ü Whobecomestheactualrightfulmother?

Therewouldbesharedmotherhoodbecausethesurrogatemothercarriedthatbabyfor9months.

ü Whatifthestepchildrengetmarried?WilltheirspousebeMahramtothe

stepparentofoppositegender?No.Forexample,sayamangetsmarried,andhehasadaughterfromaperviousmarriage.Whenthisdaughtergetsmarried,herhusbandisnotMahramtothestepmom.

VISIONOFAMUSLIMFAMILYFamilyisamajorfoundationofIslamiclife.TheQur’anandSunnahspeakoffamilylifeasthenurtureroffitrahandguardianofthepurposeoflife.MuslimfamilylifeevolvesaroundtheprinciplesofsubmissiontotheWillofAllah .Muslimfamiliesaresupposedtobeclose,kind,andloving.Familyisthebackboneofthesociety,andtoensurethat,Islammadeitsprinciplesdivine.Why do we need a vision for the Muslim family? Mostimportantly,avisionhelpseveryoneintherelationshipovercomeallfearsanddifficultiesbecausethereisabiggerpicturethatyouneedtoachieve.PeopleaskShaykhYaserifheevergetsstagefright.Hesaysthathedoes.Theelementofstagefrighthelpsonerecalibrate,focus,anddothebestheorshecan.Peopleaskhimhowhegetsridofit.Hesaysthathedoesn’t;rather,heonlyovercomesit.Likewise,somepeoplearesoafraidofgettingmarriedbecauseofthe“whatif?”scenario.The“whatif?”becomesahugemonsterthatcanpreventyoufromgettingmarried.Insteadoftryingtoremovefearscompletely,onemustlearntoovercomethembycreatingabeautifulvisionforthemarriageandfamily.

Doyouthinkthatsoldiersandhappyandjollytomarchforthonthebattlefield?Ofcoursenot!Theyaresoafraid.Buthowdotheygointobattleandsacrificetheirlives?ThecommanderportraysanamazingvisionfortheMuslims,onethatrevolvesaroundJannahandshahada.Thisvisionhelpsthesoldiersovercometheirfear.

Oncethevisionofthemarriagelosesfocus,themarriagebecomesboring.Duringcounseling,ShaykhYasersometimesaskscoupleswheretheyseethemselvesinthenext5years.Thehusbandandwifeimmediatelyturntoeachother.Theyhavenoclue!Iftheyhadavision,theywouldhavepresentedit.Peoplemaystandatthecrossroadandask,“WhereshouldIgo?”Itdependsonwheretheywanttogo!Iftheyknowtheendgoal,wecanbetterdirectthemonthecorrectpath.Likewise,itisnotpracticalforcouplestoaskthemarriagecounselor,“WhatshouldIdo?”Familiesneedtohaveavision;theremustbeasharedgoalthatfamilymembersaretryingtopursuethatwillultimatelyinfluencethedecisionsmade.

The Vision of Ibrahim

“OurLord,IhavesettledsomeofmydescendantsinanuncultivatedvalleynearYoursacredHouse,ourLord,thattheymayestablishprayer.Somakeheartsamongthepeopleincline

towardthemandprovideforthemfromthefruitsthattheymightbegrateful.”SurahIbrahim,14:37

Allah presentsuswithoneofthebesthouseholds,andthatisthehouseholdofIbrahim .Ibrahimwasalmost60+yearsoldwhenhehadhisfirstchild,Ismael .AllahthencommandsIbrahimtoputIsmaelandhismotherinthedesert.Whatatest!Ibrahimsaystheabovewordswhenheisleavingtheminthebarrenvalleywithnovegetablesandnotrees.Ibrahim hadanamazingvision:thebuildingofasacredhouse.Atthattime,theKa’bahwasnotbuilt.Therewasabsolutelynothing,butIbrahimwasavisionaryman.Heknewthattherewouldbeasacredhouseinthatarea.Whenpeoplemovetoanewarea,theyusuallylookattheschooldistrictfirst,followedbytherealestatemarket.Afterensuringthecommunityisaffluentwithnocrime,theymaychoosetobuyahouseinthatareaonlytorealizethatthemasjidistoofaraway!ButthevisionofIbrahim focusedonthesacredhousefirst.AndafterbeingclosetothehouseofAllah andsecuringthefamily’sworship,hewantedacommunitywhosepeoplewouldbeinclinedtowardsthem.Notmanypeopleassessthecharacterandqualityofthepeopletheywilllivebyuntilaftertheymove.

Community

Guidance

Andlastly,Ibrahim wantedprovisionforhisfamily.Mostpeoplewillaskforfoodandwaterfirst,especiallyiftheyaresendingtheiryoungkidstoabarrendesert.ButIbrahimdidn’tcarebecauseknewthatprovisionwasguaranteed.JibriloncecametotheProphet

andsaid,“Nosoulshalldieuntilitfinishesitssetprovisionsandtermlimit(i.e.rizqandlifespan).”So,provisionisbeingsecured;youjusthavetoworkhardtoreceiveit.Ibrahimwasnotworriedaboutprovision.Rather,hewasworriedaboutguidanceandgoodcommunity,asthesetwoaspectsarenotguaranteed.So,weneedtostopworryingaboutoursalaryandprovisionbecausetheyarenotthemostimportantthingsinlife.Wecaresomuchaboutourfutureandprovisionthatwedonotgivesadaqahattimes.Infact,wemightactuallyfindthebestpayingjobbutendupwiththeworstfamilylife.Sowhat’sthepoint?Ontheotherhand,wemightnotnecessarilyhavethebestpayingjob,butwemighthaveapeacefulmindandheartbecauseofthestrongcommunitythatsurroundsus.Wecanstillpursueapathinordertoimproveourqualityoflife.Butremember,don’tworkhardbutworksmart.Thatway,wegetqualitywithmoney.We thrive under pressure Ashumanbeings,wethriveunderpressure.Ifwealwayshaveconvenienceinourlives,wearenotgoingtodomuch.IbnKhaldunwasaMuslimsociologistwhoauthoredabookcalledAl-Muqaddimah,inwhichhediscussedhowhardtimesproducestrongmen.Andstrongmencreateconvenienttimes.Convenienttimescreateweakmen,andweakmencreatehardtimes.Duringhardtimes,acertaingroupofoutliersstandoutamongstthecrowdandbecomeleaders.Iftimesbecomedifficult,don’tgetdepressed.Thereisatoughadministrationcomingup,andyetanothermasjidrecentlyburneddowninTexas.Rollupyoursleeves,getexcited,andgetreadytoshine.Hardtimesbringoutthebestinus.Perhapsraisingourchildrenhereduringdifficulttimesisforthebest.

FAMILYDIVINEPRINCIPLES1.) Islam is a reference point

“Say,‘Indeed,myprayer,myritesofsacrifice,mylivingandmydyingareforAllah,Lordofthe

worlds.’”Surahal-An’am,6:162YouliveyourlifetopleaseAllah .TheProphet said,“WhoeverseeksthepleasureofAllahthoughitdispleasesthepeople,thenAllahbecomespleasedwithhimandHewillmakethepeoplepleasedwithhim.WhoeverseeksthepleasureofthepeopleanditdispleasesAllah,thenAllahbecomesdispleasedwithhimandwillmakethepeopledispleasedwithhim.”Wemustalwaysbetruetoourvaluesandstandfirmlyforourbeliefs.2.) The life of this world is a temporary one

“AllahextendsprovisionforwhomHewillsandrestricts[it].Andtheyrejoiceintheworldlylife,whiletheworldlylifeisnot,comparedtotheHereafter,except[brief]enjoyment.”

Surahal-Ra’d,13:26Weneedtostoptreatingthisdunyaasoureternity.Thisdoesn’tmeanwequitourjobandliveinthemasjiduntilwedie.Somewouldsaythatweneedtocreatebalance,butShaykhYaserbelievesthatweneedtoestablishpriorities,whichwillultimatelycreatebalanceinourlives.So,iffamilyisourpriority,thenwemayneedtocutbackonsomeofourworkhours.Somemaysay,“Buttherearetoomanyexpenses!”Thentrytocutbackonsomeoftheexpenses.Focusingtoomuchonexpensesmeanswearemorepreoccupiedwiththehouseinsteadofthefamily.Remember,thisworldistemporary,soweneedtofocusontheakhirawhilenotforgettingaboutthedunyaeither.

3.) Gain and loss is in the Hereafter

“Sowhoeverdoesanatom'sweightofgoodwillseeit,andwhoeverdoesanatom'sweightof

evilwillseeit.”Surahal-Zalzalah,99:7-8Manyissuescancomebetweenfamilymembers,andeveryoneisworriedaboutwinningthebattlehereinthisdunya.Instead,wecanoverlooktheseissuesandstandbeforeAllah

.Fromtheaboveayat,webelievethatnokhairinthisworldwillgounnoticed,andnoevilinthisworldwillgounnoticedeither.So,ifyouthinkthatyoumissedsomethinginthisdunya,youdon’thavetogofightforittotheend;intheprocess,youmaylosealotofyourprinciples.Forexample,conflictcanexistbetweensiblingsastheyfightovermatterssuchasthehouseorland.Therecanalsobeconflictbetweenthehusbandandwifeorbetweenthemotheranddaughter-in-law.Wedon’thavetowineverybattle;thetruegainandtruelossisnotnecessarilyinthisdunyabutintheakhira.Havingthismentalitywillhelpusletgoofthings.4.) The nobility of a family is measured by piety

“Omankind,indeedWehavecreatedyoufrommaleandfemaleandmadeyoupeoplesand

tribesthatyoumayknowoneanother.Indeed,themostnobleofyouinthesightofAllahisthemostrighteousofyou.Indeed,AllahisKnowingandAcquainted.”

Surahal-Hujurat,49:13IbnTaymiyyahexplainedthatnowhereintheSunnahoftheProphet isrighteousnessorpietyevermeasuredbylineageorbloodline.WewillneverseethisprincipleineithertheQur’anorSunnah;rather,itisthepeoplewhotienobilitytoblood,whichcandestroysociety.TheProphet said,“Ifsomebodycomestoyouandyouarepleasedwithhischaracterandreligion,thenmarryhim.Ifyoudonot,therewillbediscordonearthandwidespreadcorruption.”So,ifyouarepleasedwiththisperson’sdeen(relationshipwithAllah )andcharacter(akhlaaq–relationshipwiththepeople),thenaccepttheproposal.

5.) Healthy families produce healthy society

“Andfearatrialwhichwillnotstrikethosewhohavewrongedamongyouexclusively,and

knowthatAllahissevereinpenalty.”Surahal-Anfal,8:25Trytohelpotherpeopletakecareoftheirfamily,anddon’tbeselfish.6.) Family challenges are internal

“Why[isitthat]whena[single]disasterstruckyou[onthedayofUhud],althoughyouhad

struck[theenemyinthebattleofBadr]withonetwiceasgreat,yousaid,‘Fromwhereisthis?’Say,‘Itisfromyourselves.’Indeed,Allahisoverallthingscompetent.”

SurahAle-Imran,3:165Manypeopledon’twanttoacceptthisprinciple.Sometimes,awifewillrequestthatruqyaisdoneforherhusbandbecausesheisreadytoblameShaytanforthefamilyproblems.RuqyaistheprocessofrecitingQur’anoversomeonetoensureheorsheisnotaffectedbytheevileyeorjinn.ItispossiblefortheevileyeorjinntocauseproblemsinthemarriageasAllah says:

“…butthedevilsdisbelieved,teachingpeoplemagicandthatwhichwasrevealedtothetwoangelsatBabylon,HarutandMarut.Butthetwoangelsdonotteachanyoneunlesstheysay,‘Weareatrial,sodonotdisbelieve[bypracticingmagic].’And[yet]theylearnfromthemthatbywhichtheycauseseparationbetweenamanandhiswife.Buttheydonotharmanyone

throughitexceptbypermissionofAllah…”Surahal-Baqarah,2:102However,wecannotimmediatelyblametheevileyeandjinnforallofourproblems.Wefirstneedtocheckourownlivesanddeterminewhatfactorscontributedtotheproblemathand.Remember,marriagehasrulesjustlikemathandphysics.1+1=2,sodon’ttrytomake1+1=10. 7.) A brilliant future is not a sole product of a good present

“....andthe[best]outcome(end)isfor[thoseof]righteousness.”SurahTaha,20:132

Weneverattachourselvestotheresults.Weareonlyresponsiblefordoingourbestandmakingtheeffort;theresultsareintheHandsofAllah .Dotheresultsalwayshavetobeinouradvantage?Sometimes,negativeresultscanbegoodforus.Forexample,therecentelectionofTrumpiswakingupalotofpeople,bothMuslimandnon-Muslim.Peoplearestrivingtodotherightthing.Therewillbeapushbetweenkhairandsharr.Thispullingandpushingcanhelpusachieveamiddlepath.ItisoneoftherulesofAllah thatonegroupofpeoplewillcheckanothergroup:

“AndifitwerenotforAllahchecking[some]peoplebymeansofothers,theearthwouldhave

beencorrupted,butAllahisfullofbountytotheworlds.”Surahal-Baqarah,2:251Remember,wearenotresponsiblefortheresults,onlytheeffort.Someparentstryhardtoraisetheirchildrenwell;theysendthemtoIslamicschool,hifdhprograms,etc.However,thekidsmaystilldeviateandbecomebad.Theparentsthenstartdoubtingtheirownfaith.Itisnotourjobtocreateperfectchildren;rather,weneedtocreateresponsiblechildren.Similarly,ahusbandandwifemaydoeverythingbythebook,buttheirrelationshipisstillnotthatgreat.TheystartdoubtingtheQur’an,Sunnah,andIslamicteachings.WeneedtokeepourpresentsituationgoodwhileunderstandingthatthefutureisintheHandsof

Allah .Whatevercomesyourway,makethebestoutofit.Ifit’sgood,thentakeittothenextlevel.Ifnot,learntocalibrateandpushon.Peoplemaythinkthatistikharaisadecision-makingtechniquethatentailsprayerandwaitingforsomekindofdream,email,orbirdflyingthroughthewindow.IstikharaisnotameanstomakethedecisionbutratheryourconnectionwithAllah asyouaskHimforguidanceinmakingtherightdecision.Youmakethefinaldecision.Ifyouareunsure,thenyouneedtoaskmoreandreadmoreaboutthesubject.VALUESOFAMUSLIMFAMILYAMuslimfamilyshouldmaintainitselfwithinthelimitsofthepositivevaluesinitsinvolvementinthemattersofthisworldandshouldavoidthenegativeones.ThisiswhatmattersintheHereafter.1.) Love and Mercy ThebasisofaMuslimfamilyrevolvesaroundthesetwomajoringredients.

“AndofHissignsisthatHecreatedforyoufromyourselvesmatesthatyoumayfind

tranquilityinthem;andHeplacedbetweenyouaffectionandmercy.Indeedinthataresignsforapeoplewhogivethought.”Surahal-Rum,30:21

Inthisayah,Allah speaksaboutthemiraclesandwondersofthecreationsuchastheheavens,earth,people,color,language,rain,andclouds.Inthemiddleofallthesesigns,Hementionsmatesandspouse,andHeplacedbetweenthemlove(passion)andmercy(compassion).Thisayahisveryunique.Itismentionedalongsidethemagnificentcreationoftheheavensandearth.Allahwrapsthisayahwiththewordayatinthebeginning

( )andtheend( ).So,thisparticularayahisthemostuniqueofeverythingelsementionedinthatcontext.Theloveandmercymentionedinthisayahisveryunique,anditremainsmuchmoreinterestingthanthecreationoftheheavensandearth.Allahsaysthatthewholepurposeofcreatingustogetheristohelpusachievepeaceandtranquility.Howcanwedothat?Throughloveandmercy.Ifyoudon’tlovesomeone,youcanstillhavemercyonhimorher.Therelationshipbecomesterriblewhenyoustopcaring(i.e.becomelesscompassionate),anditcanresultinabuse.

2.) Having good intentions Ibn‘Abbas narratedthattheMessengerofAllah said,“VerilyAllahhasrecordedthegooddeedsandtheevildeeds.”Thenheclarifiedthat:“Whosoeverintendstodoagooddeedbutdoesnotdoit,AllahrecordsitwithHimselfasacompletegooddeed;butifheintendsitanddoesit,AllahrecordsitwithHimselfastengooddeeds,uptosevenhundredtimes,ormorethanthat.Butifheintendstodoanevildeedanddoesnotdoit,AllahrecordsitwithHimselfasacompletegooddeed;butifheintendsitanddoesit,Allahrecordsitdownasone

singleevildeed.”[BukhariandMuslim]Whenpeoplearegettingmarried,theyneedtohaveagoodintention.Iftheirintentioniswrong,therelationshipwillbeverymiserable.WhenShaykhYasercounselscouples,hehasthemestablishassignatureoftherelationshipaspartofthemarriageprofile.Itservesastheglueasitholdspeopletogether,andifitispermanent,therelationshipcanlastalongtime.Butonceitdriesout,therelationshipwillfallapart.Forexample,sayacouplegetsmarriedforagreencardorforchildren;oncethesefactorsdisappear,themarriagewillfallapart.Ifacouplemarriesforanyreasonotherthanloveandmercy,therelationshipwillmostlikelyfail.3.) Purifying your soul

“And[by]thesoulandHewhoproportionedit.Andinspiredit[withdiscernmentof]itswickednessanditsrighteousness.Hehassucceededwhopurifiesit,andhehasfailedwho

instillsit[withcorruption].”Surahal-Shams,91:7-10

OntheauthorityofAbuHamzahAnas

binMalik -theservantofthe

MessengerofAllah -thatthe

Prophet said,“Noneofyou[truly]believesuntilhelovesforhisbrotherthatwhichhelovesforhimself.”[BukhariandMuslim]

Allah givesustheultimategoalofthislife,andHeexplainshowtheonewhopurifieshisorhersoulhasgainedsuccess.Thosewhofailtopurifytheirsoulhavefailed.Somepeopleareevilnotonlyintheiractions,butalsointheirintentions.Theyalwaysholdgrudges,theyhavetheevileyeforothers,andtheydon’twantkhairforanyoneelse.Wemustteachourchildrentohavepuresouls.Inschool,theymayhavegoodgrades,butwhattheteachersaysaboutthemattheendoftheschoolyearissomuchmoreimportant(e.g.theirmannersandakhlaaq).Intheworkforce,noonecareswhatgradesyouhad!Instead,peoplecareabouthowyoutreatthem.AbuHurayrah narratedthattheMessengerofAllah said,“Donotbeenviousofoneanother;donotartificiallyraisepricesagainstoneanother;donothateoneanother;donotturnone’sbackoneachother;anddonotundercutoneanotherinbusinesstransactions.Andbe,[O]servantsofAllah,brethren.AMuslimisthebrotherofaMuslim.Hedoesnotwronghim.Hedoesnotfailhim[whenheneedshim].Hedoesnotlietohim.Andhedoesnotshowcontemptforhim.Pietyishere”–andhepointedtohischestthreetimes.“ItisenoughofevilforapersontoholdhisMuslimbrotherincontempt.AllofaMuslimisinviolabletoanother

Muslim:hisblood,hiswealth,andhishonor.”[Muslim]4.) Encouraging good and forbidding evil AbuSa’idal-Khudri narratedthattheMessengerofAllah said,“Whoeverofyouseesanevilmustthenchangeitwithhishand.Ifheisnotabletodoso,then[hemustchangeit]withhistongue.Andifheisnotabletodoso,then[hemustchangeit]withhisheart.Andthat

istheslightest[effectof]faith.[Muslim]Weneedtoteachourkidstobeproactiveandtocareaboutotherpeople.Theyneedtounderstandtheyhavearesponsibilitytoothersbesidethemselves.Asapartofthefamily,theyneedtocareaboutotherfamilymembers.Teenagersoftenrespondwith“Idon’tcare!”ifyoutellthemsomethingsuchas,“Don’ttalktoyoursisterlikethat!”Theseindividualsmustlearnhowtocarewhileencouraginggoodandforbiddingevil.5.) Dignity and self discipline

“Oyouwhohavebelieved,uponyouis[responsibilityfor]yourselves.Thosewhohavegoneastraywillnotharmyouwhenyouhavebeenguided.ToAllahisyoureturnalltogether;then

Hewillinformyouofwhatyouusedtodo.”Surahal-Ma’idah,5:105

AbuHurayrah narratedthattheMessengerofAllah said,“Partoftheperfectionof

one’sIslamishisleavingthatwhichdoesnotconcernhim.”[Tirmidhi]Wemaynotrestrainourselvesattimes,andwecanmakemistakesthataffectotherpeople.Asafamily,itisveryimportanttohaveasenseofdignityandself-discipline;wemustdotherightthingregardlessofwhatpeoplesayanddo.Oncewehavedonetherightthing,wehavefulfilledourresponsibility.Weneedtoimpartthistoourchildrentooasweimplementasystemtokeepthemincheck.Forexample,parentsmaychoosenottobuycellphonesfortheirteenagekids.Oriftheydoallowcellphones,therewillbelimitationstoallowforself-discipline.6.) Truthfulness and trustworthiness ‘Abdullahb.Mas’ud narratedthattheMessengerofAllah said,“Verily,truthfulnessleadstorighteousnessandrighteousnessleadstoParadise.AmanmayspeakthetruthuntilheisrecordedwithAllahastruthful.Verily,falsehoodleadstowickednessandwickednessleadstotheHellfire.AmanmaytellliesuntilheisrecordedwithAllahasaliar.”[Muslim]

ShaykhYasertaughthiskidsthathewilltolerateanymistaketheymake,andhewillhelpthemwithit.Hedoesnotexpectperfection,andheunderstandsthatmistakescanbealearningopportunity.However,hetaughtthemthathewillnevertoleratelying.Kidslietotheirparentsinordertoprotectthem;thekidsknowtheycannottoleratethetruth.Parentsmustlearntoacceptsomedisappointmentthatcomeswiththeirkids’mistakes.Ultimately,kidslearnfromtheirparents’reactiontostressanddifficulty.Kidslearntoliewhentheirparentsteachthemthetruthiscostly.Forexample,ifparentshearsomethingbreak,theywillcomeintotheroomandaskwhobroketheobject.Theyoungchilddoesn’tknowanybetter,soheorshewillconfess.Theparentsthenpunishthischild.Thenexttimethishappens,thechildwhobroketheobjectwillblamesomeoneelselikehisbrother,saying,“Hedidit!”So,thischildhaslearnedthattruthfulnessisbad.

7.) Contentment and Reliance on Allah

“Satanthreatensyouwithpovertyandordersyoutoimmorality,whileAllahpromisesyou

forgivenessfromHimandbounty.AndAllahisall-EncompassingandKnowing.”Surahal-Baqarah,2:268

Contentmentisthekeytohappiness.Manyparents,husbands,andwivesmakehappinesstheirgoal;thisisoneoftheworstgoalsbecausetheyaresettingthemselvesupforfailure.Youcannotmake“happy”yourgoalbecauseonceyoureachthatgoal,youcanreachthehigherlevelof“happier”.Andonceyoureachthatgoal,youcanbeevenhappier!Withthismindset,youwillneverbehappy.

“AndyourLordisgoingtogiveyou,andyouwillbesatisfied.”Surahad-Duhaa,93:5

Allah saysthatHewillgiveyou(OMuhammad )untilyouaresatisfied,nothappy.

Happier

“Andheisgoingtobesatisfied.”Surahal-Layl,92:21

Allah revealedthisayahaboutAbuBakeAl-Siddiq .Heshallbecontentandpleased.Again,welearnthatcontentmentisthegoal.Ifwecanachievecontentment,wewillbehappyregardlessofthecircumstances.ThereisanArabicpoemthatsaysifyouhaveacontentheart,thenyouownthiswholeworldontopofyourhead.Youarehappywithwhateveryoueat.Contentmentisanintrinsicvaluethatwedevelopbydoingourpart,andthendeliveringeverythingtoAllah.Thisistawakkul;Idomypart,then,yaAllah,itisinYourHand.Whatevertheresultsare,IwillbecontentbecauseIdideverythingIcould.So,ifyourkidsbreakbadafteryougivethemthebestIslamicupbringing,don’tdespair.Youtriedyoubest.Nuh spent950yearsgivingda’wahyethisownsonandwifedisbelievedinhim.8.) Earning Halal and Eating Halal

“Oyouwhohavebelieved,eatfromthegoodthingswhichWehaveprovidedforyouandbe

gratefultoAllahifitis[indeed]Himthatyouworship.”Surahal-Baqarah,2:172Thisremainsoneofthehardestprinciplesinourtimes.Unfortunately,thehalalisintertwinedwithalotofharam.Tryyourbest,anddon’tcompromisemuch.Ifyoursituationbecomesdifficult,continuetostriveforthehalal.Ifyouneedtobreaktherulesfordirecircumstances,yourkidsneedtoknowthatitisnotthenorm.9.) Gratefulness and Thankfulness

“Theymadeforhimwhathewilledofelevatedchambers,statues,bowlslikereservoirs,andstationarykettles.[Wesaid],‘Work,OfamilyofDavid,ingratitude.’AndfewofMyservants

aregrateful.”SurahSaba,34:13Thisconcepttiesinwithcontentment.Manyparentspushtheirchildrentobeungrateful.Sometimesthewifemaycausethehusbandtobeungratefulandviceversa.Forexample,ifyourchildorspouseisalwaysusingthephrase“That’sit?”,youaredealingwithaningrate.Thatphrasemoreorlessequateswith,“Iexpectedmorethanthis!”Wheneverwegotoarestaurant,weorderfoodlikethere’snotomorrow.Yetthereremainsalotofexcessfood,whichisusuallythrownaway.10.) Holding on to the Path of Steadfastness

“Soremainonarightcourseasyouhavebeencommanded,[you]andthosewhohaveturned

backwithyou[toAllah],anddonottransgress.Indeed,HeisSeeingofwhatyoudo.”SurahHud,11:112

IbnKhaldunexplainedthatdifficulttimesproducestrongmen.Weneedtoteachourkidsthatduringdifficulttimes,westaystrong.Wedonothideorrunaway.Teachthemthattheyarehuman;iftheweaken,theymustrecalibrate.Iftheyneedhelp,theyshouldreachoutforhelp.11.) Standing for Justice

“Oyouwhohavebelieved,bepersistentlystandingfirmforAllah,witnessesinjustice,anddo

notletthehatredofapeoplepreventyoufrombeingjust.Bejust;thatisnearertorighteousness.AndfearAllah;indeed,AllahisAcquaintedwithwhatyoudo.”

Surahal-Ma’idah,5:8Wedonotteachourchildrentostandforjustice;instead,weteachthemtofightforwhatistheirs.Whenplayingmusicalchairsinthewest,therewillonlybe9seatsavailablewhilethereare10kidsplaying.So,thereisaprocessofeliminationasallthekidsfightforaseat.

WhenplayingmusicalchairsinJapan,therewillbe9seatsavailablewhilethereare10kidsplaying.Whenthemusicstops,theplayersmustfindameanstohaveeveryoneseatedbeforetimerunsout.Evenifjustonekidisnotseated,thewholeteamloses.Thisdifferenceinmentalitymanifestshowweteachourkidstobeselfishandfightforthemselves,evenitifentailshurtingotherpeople.Othersocietiesteachthatweallenjoytogetherandwintogether.12.) Respect one another ‘Abdullahb.‘AmrnarratedthattheMessengerofAllah said,“Heisnotofuswhodoesnot

havemercyonyoungchildren,norhonortheelderly.”[Tirmidhi]Thisisespeciallyimportantbetweensiblingsandchildren.Forexample,ifyouhaveguestscomingoverwiththeirkids,theremaybeafightovertoys.Theirchildwantstoplaywiththetoy,butyourownchildsays,“No,it’smytoy!”Insteadofhandingoverthetoycompletelytotheotherchild,theycantaketurns.13.) Dealing with people is dealing with Allah

“[Saying],"WefeedyouonlyforthecountenanceofAllah.Wewishnotfromyourewardor

gratitude.”Surahal-Insan,76:9Alwaysremember,youarekindandgoodtoothersnotbecausethepeoplenecessarilydeserveit,butbecauseyoudeservetodotherightthingallthetime.Don’tbearrogantwhentryingtobegoodtoothers(e.g.IambeingkindtoyouforAllah,notbecauseyouactuallydeserveit).Rather,begoodtootherswhiletrulybelievingthatyouneedtotreatotherswell.14.) Striving to be a successful family

“And[recall]whenWetookyourcovenant,[OChildrenofIsrael,toabidebytheTorah]andWeraisedoveryouthemount,[saying],"TakewhatWehavegivenyouwithdetermination

andrememberwhatisinitthatperhapsyoumaybecomerighteous."Surahal-Baqarah,2:63

AsMuslims,webelieveinthisprinciple.However,inthissociety,thisprincipledoesnotresonateasmuch.Whenkidsturn14yearsold,theyaremoreorlessconsideredfreetomakedecisionsforthemselvesandevenleavethehome.Asfamilies,wemuststriveto

ensurethatourkidsaresuccessful.WewillstandbeforeAllah ,andHewillaskusaboutourchildren.Weneedtoensurethattheyarefulfillingobligationssuchasprayer.Wewillnotberesponsibleforthedecisionstheymakewhentheyareolder.15.) Time is the life capital

“Bytime,indeed,mankindisinloss,exceptforthosewhohavebelievedanddonerighteous

deedsandadvisedeachothertotruthandadvisedeachothertopatience.”Surahal-‘Asr,103:1-3

ImamShafi’isaidthatifpeopleweretoponderjustthissurah,itwouldbesufficientforthemtogainguidanceandrighteousness.Thissurahreallydoessummarizeeverythingaboutourexistence.Werealizethatlifeistimethathasanexpirationdate.Allahswearsbytimethateverysoulisinaconstantstateofloss.Wegrowolderandweakerastimepasses.However,Allahsaysthatpeoplewhohavethefollowingfourqualitieswillbesavedfromloss:faith,gooddeeds,advisingeachothertotruth,andadvisingeachothertopatience.You’reonlystrongwhenyoucompletethefirsttwoaspectsproperly.Whatmakesyouweakisthegapbetweenwhatyoulearned/believeinandwhatyoudo.Thisgapcontributestohypocrisy.Thegreaterthegap,theweakeryouare.Thesmallerthegap,the

strongeryouare.Yourentirelifeisaboutclosingthatgapbetweenwhatyouknowandwhatyouactuallypractice.Weneedtolearnmore,andthenimplementthatknowledge.Allah knowsthatwearehumanbeingswhoareweakindividuals.Thus,Heemphasizestheimportanceofhelpingeachother( ).Whenweareenjoininggoodandassistingothers,don’texpectpeopletobehappywithyouradvice.Theymayrebel.That’swhyweneedtopersevereinpatience( ).Whenitcomestofamilylife,wearecurrentlyreceivinginformation.Howmuchweactuallypracticethatinformationisourbusiness.Webecomeweakerwhenwedon’timplementtheseprinciples.Weneedtobeauthentic,genuine,andreal.Theonlywaytoachievethisisbyalwaysclosingthegap.

Chapter 2: The Life of a Muslim Couple The Etiquette of a Husband and Wife

PRINCIPLESOFMARITALLIFEMarriageisadivinelyinspiredinstitution.Allah revealeditsrulesandprinciplesintheQur’an,andtheMessenger livedtheseprinciplesthroughhisblessedfamilylife.Inourtimes,peoplearetryingtochangetheinstituteofmarriageandthedefinitionoffamily.However,becausemartiallifeisdivinelyinspired,itcannotbehanged.Themostimportantrelationshipweneedtonurtureandnourishistherelationshipbetweenhusbandandwife.Ifthisrelationshipishealthy,itwillultimatelyhelpfixotherrelationships.What’sthepointofhavingagoodrelationshipwithyourkidsifyoudon’thaveagoodrelationshipwithyourspouse?Marriage is a sacred covenant

“Andhowcouldyoutakeitwhileyouhavegoneinuntoeachotherandtheyhavetakenfrom

youasolemncovenant?”Surahal-Nisa,4:21Thisayahisspeakinginthecontextofdivorce;howcanyoudemandthemahrbackwhenyouhavegoneinuntoeachotherandtheyhavetakenfromyouthestrongcovenant?ThecovenantisthewordofAllah thatmadetherelationshipandactionhalalbetweenhusbandandwife.Allahhascalledmarriageastrongcovenant.Noonecanchangethismeaningorprinciple.Successful marriage is based on love and mercy

“AndofHissignsisthatHecreatedforyoufromyourselvesmatesthatyoumayfind

tranquilityinthem;andHeplacedbetweenyouaffectionandmercy.Indeedinthataresignsforapeoplewhogivethought.”Surahal-Rum,30:21

Loveisthepassionwhilemercyisthecompassion.Astimepasses,theremaynotbeasmuchpassion,butyoualwaysneedcompassion.Spousesmaynotloveoneanothertothesameextenttheydidearlyintherelationshipwhentheywereyounger,buttheystillcareforoneanother.Sometimes,awomanwillstayinarelationshipbecauseshefeelsbadtoleaveherhusband;so,sheisnotactingonlovebutrathermercy.Likewise,amancanstayinarelationshipoutofmercytothekids.The best example is the example of the Messenger of Allah ‘A’ishah narratedthattheMessengerofAllah said,“Thebestofyouishewhoisbest

tohisfamily,andIamthebestamongyoutomyfamily.”[Tirmidhi]Weneedtofollowhisexampletoachievesuccessfulrelationshipswithourownfamilies.There is no such thing as a perfect couple, but there is a perfect work in progress AbuHurayrah narratedthattheMessengerofAllah said,“Abelievingman(husband)

doesnotdetestabelievingwoman(wife).Ifhedislikessomethingfromher,hewilllikeanother.”[Muslim]

Thereissomethingfundamentallywrongifahusbandorwifehatesthespouse.SomethingismissingintherelationshipbecausetheProphet saidthatatruebelievercannothavethatmuchhateinone’sheartforthespouse.Thereisnosuchthingasaperfectmarriageoraperfectspouse,butthereisalwaysoneinthemaking.Keeptryinguntiltheveryend.Youwillrealizeyouhadawonderfultimewhenyouretire.Youwilllookbackandsay,“Wow,whatajourney!”InthemoveUp,Mr.FredricksenseesanoteinEllie’sscrapbookthankinghimforthewonderfuljourneyandencouraginghimtogooutandhaveanotherone.Youonlyrealizehowbeautifulthejourneyiswhenyoucometotheendoftheroad.Duringtimesofdifficulty,youusuallythinkoftheworst-casescenarios.

“Happinessisonlyaperiodbetweentwohardships;andlifeisfullofhardships.”~ShaykhYaserBirjas~

Lifehasitsupsanddowns.Todayyoumaybehappy,andtomorrowyouwon’tbesohappy.Sometimes,excessivegriefcanbeasourceofgreatrelief.InthemovieInsideOut,RileyandherfamilymovefromMinnesotatoSanFrancisco.RileywantstoreturntoMinnesota,sosherunsawayfromherparentsandboardsabus.Shecomestoamomentofsuchextremesadnessthateventhemostbeautifulgoldenmemoriesturnblue.Thatexcessivesadnessandgriefleadtoreliefasshegotoffthebusandreturnedhome.So,sometimeswewill

havetocryourselvestosleepsothatwewakeupthenextdayrefreshed.Thisisnotthebesthabittodoonadailybasis,butwewillhavetogothroughsomedifficulttimestoenjoyandappreciatethegood.Marriage is partnership, not ownership

UmmSulaym narratedthattheMessengerofAllah said,“Womenaremen’scounterparts.”[Ahmadandothers]

Insomecultures,onceamanandwomangetmarried,thewomanbecomesthepropertyofthefamily.Inwesternculture,thewomanevenchangesherlastnametothehusband’slastname.InSouthernAmerican,thechildisbornwithboththemotherandfather’slastname:thefather’slastnamebecomesthechild’smiddlename,andthemother’slastnamebecomesthechild’slastname(orviceversa).Peoplefearlosingtheirfamilyline.ButtheProphet taughtusthatwomenarecounterpartstomen.So,menandwomencompleteoneanother;theydon’tcompeteagainstoneanother.WhenShaykhYasercounselscouples,sometimesthehusbandmaycomplain,saying,“Mywifejustdoesn’tget.Shedoesn’tseethingsthewayIseeit!”TheShaykhwillrespondthatheisluckybecausethismeanshemarriedalady!Ifsheseeseverythingthewayhedoes,thenthemanactuallymarriedanotherdude!Somemenwanttheirwivestobeinsyncwitheverythingtheythink,butthisisnotthecorrectmentalitytohave.Biologicallyspeaking,ahumanbeingismadeoftwocomponents:themasculineandthefeminine.So,amanmaybe90%manand10%woman.Andawomanmaybe90%womanand10%man.Whydoweneedtheotherpart?Inordertoconnectwiththeoppositegender.Basedonone’supbringing,amanmayactuallyincreaseto15%womanandbecomeemotionallysmarter;thiswillultimatelyallowhimtoconnectbetterwithhiswife.Butincreasingthewomancounterparttoomuchisnotgood.Forexample,whenthewifeiscrying,shedoesn’tnecessarilywantherhusbandtocomeandcrywithher.Shewillgetconfused!InherbookSaveTheMales,WhyMenMatterWhyWomenShouldCare,authorKathleenParkerexplainshowwesterncultureandHollywoodhas“girlified”men.ThewayTVportraysmenisinaccurate.It’snotrightwhenagirlmarriesamanwhoistoosoft.Amanmaysaythathiswifecomplainstoomuch.ShaykhYaserBirjasexplainsthatthisisverygoodsignbecauseitkeepsthehusbandawakeandalert.Itisahealthysign:shefeelssafeenoughtobringuphercomplaintswithherhusbandwithoutfearofbeingcondemned.Ahusbandshouldbeconcernedwhenthewomanistooquiet.

RIGHTSANDOBLIGATIONSMostcouplescometoShaykhYaserforcounseling,saying,“Wewantyoutotelluswhattodo.Whataretherightsandobligations?”TheShaykhfeelssadforthem;herealizesthatthereisaproblemwithloveandmercywhencouplesfightoverissuesofrightsandobligations.IntheQur’an,Allah doesnotmentiontheserightsindetail.Rather,Healwaysreferstothembilma’roof(whatiscustomaryandculturallypracticedatthattime).Fixingissuespertainingtorightsandobligationsiseasy.Fixingloveandmercyrequiresmoreattention;oncethisisfixed,therightsandobligationswillfallintoplaceverywell.Whenspousesloveoneanother,theyarewillingtogiveupsomeoftheirrightstopleasetheotherperson.So,insteadoffightingforrightsandobligations,fightforloveandmercy.

“Oyouwhohavebelieved,itisnotlawfulforyoutoinheritwomenbycompulsion.Anddonotmakedifficultiesfortheminordertotake[back]partofwhatyougavethemunlesstheycommitaclearimmorality.Andlivewiththeminkindness.Forifyoudislikethem-perhaps

youdislikeathingandAllahmakesthereinmuchgood.”Surahal-Nisa,4:19

MarriageinIslamisacontract,andjustlikeanycontract,itcomeswithprovisions.Allahsaystolivewiththeminkindness.Thiskindnessisaccordingtowhatiscustomaryfor

yourtime.AndAllahremindsusthatwemaydislikethem,buttheremaybemuchkhairforusinourspouses.Marriagedoesn’talwayshavetobeaboutlove.Ifyouareplanningonsustainingyourmarriagesolelyonlove,youwillnotbeableto.Loveisanemotion,andyouhavenocontroloveremotions.Youonlyhavecontroloveryourbehaviorandactions.Weneedtocreatealovingenvironmentinordertorekindlesentimentallove.Theconceptofbilma’roofhelpsusovercomesomestereotypes.Forexample,traditionallyspeaking,itisthewoman’sresponsibilitytowashthedishesandcleanthehouse.However,inanon-traditionalsettinginwhichboththehusbandandwifemaybeworking,wecannotsimplysayitisonlythewife’sjob.Weneedtoadjusttothisnewstyleoflife.Thisisbilma’roof.Similarly,ifawomanismarryingamanwhoisverytraditional,shewillneedtoaccommodatetohispreferencesandexpectthatcleaningwillbeherresponsibility.

3KINDSOFMARRIAGE1.) Traditional

• Manisthebreadwinnerandwomanisthehomemaker

2.) Egalitarian • Husbandandwifedon’tseeanydifferenceinregardtorightsandobligations• Ladygivesincometothehousehold• Manhelpswithcooking,cleaning,andchildren• Responsibilityissharedequally

3.) Transitional

• Traditionalmarriagemovingintoegalitarianmarriage• Manhasfundamentalroleofbreadwinner,buthewillalsohelparoundhouse• Woman’sjobmostlyhomemaker,butshewillhelpherhusband• Mostmarriagesfallintothiscategory

“…Andduetothewivesissimilartowhatisexpectedofthem,accordingtowhatisreasonable.Butthemenhaveadegreeoverthem[inresponsibilityandauthority].”

Surahal-Baqarah,2:228So,menandwomenhaverightsandobligations,butmenhaveadegreeoverwomen.Allah

didnotspecifywhatkindofdegree,butitisadegreeofresponsibilityinthiscontext.So,themanhasmoreauthority.Inthecorporateworld,thehigheryouclimbinranks,themoreprivilegesyoureceive.However,theseprivilegescomewithahugeamountofresponsibilityandrisk.AllahwillholdthemanaccountableontheDayofJudgmentmorethanthewomanbecauseheistheheadofthehousehold.So,inreturn,hehasextraprivileges.Keepinmindthatwearereferringtoequity,notequality.Menandwomenhavedifferentlevelsofrightsandobligations.Insomeareas,womenarepreferred;inotherareas,menarepreferred.Butwhenyouputthemalltogether,itbecomeseven.

ü Ifthewifeisworking,doessheneedtocontributetopayingtheexpenses?Itgoesbacktotheconceptofbilma’roof.Inthepast,whenwomenstayedathomeallday,theydidn’tcontributetohouseholdexpenses.Buttoday,wehaveprofessionalwomenworkingfrom7amto5pm.Thewomancannotsay,“Mymoney,mymoney.”That’snotright,andthat’snotfair(unlessthehusbandsaysit’sok).Thehusbanddoeshavearighttohaveherhelpwithexpenses.

RULESOFASUCCESSFULMARRIAGE

1.) Great relationships don’t just happen, they are created • Mostmenandwomen(especiallytheyoungerones)lookforthe“perfect”

person• However,weshouldbelookingforthe“right”personinstead• Ifyoulookforthe“perfect”or“best”person,youmaybelookingforcriteriathat

isnotpractical(also,thispersonmaynotbethebestoneforyou)• Butifyoufindthe“right”person,thatcanbethebestpersonforyou• SomepeoplemayhaveanimagethattheycopyandpastfromTV(e.g.very

religious,educated,goodcook,etc.)• Relationshipsarecreated,theydon’tjusthappen• Itrequireseffort,mustrollupyoursleeves,startworkingonitfromday1

2.) Your marriage, not your job, should get your best energy

• Wemakeexcusesthatwearetoobusyandtired• Thewhole“busy”phenomenonisanAmerican

concept• Othercultureshavelotsoftimeforfamily

(eventhoughtheymaywork2shifts)• Theymanagetheirtimedifferently• Don’tapologizeforwhatyouhavetodo,as

longasitisgoodandright• Remembertocompensateforotheraspects

ofyourlifeatanothertimeo E.g.family,exercising,eatinghealthy

• Menshouldnotschedulefamilytimebytheminute;bespontaneous

3.) If you cannot be happy without your spouse, you won’t be happy together

• Manypeoplemaketheirhappinesscontingentontheirspouse’shappiness• Somemenwanttoforcetheirwivestobehappy

o Ifsheisn’thappy,neitherishe• Weneedtobeindividuallyhappy,itisanintrinsicvalue• Youcanbehappyeveninthemostdifficultsituations

o E.g.WhenShaykhYaserwasdealingwithBosnianandPalestinianrefugees,hewasdealingwithwidowsandorphans

o Thesepeoplewerestillhappyandcontento Eventhoughtheymayonlyhavesometents,afewmattresses,andavery

oldteaset,theyarehappyo Onemanevensaid,“Ihaveeverything!”o Thisman’shappinesscamefrominside,hecouldthenprovidehiskids

withhappinessaswell

4.) It is possible to hate and love someone at the same time • Whenyouhateyourwifeatthistime,youwillloveheragaininafewhours• It’snottheendoftheworld,theremaybeamomentwhereyouwillrecover• TheProphet toldusthattherecanbebothimanandnifaqpresentinthe

heartatthesametime,thisishowtheheartfluctuateso Whenyoudogooddeeds,imanincreaseso Whenyourgooddeedsgodown,imandecreaseso Samewithloveandhate:needtopracticeloveactionssothatlovewill

increase

5.) Commitment in marriage is a means to freedom, not slavery

• Newphenomenonofyoungmenandwomennotgettingmarriedduetofearofcommitment

• Menmaybehappysingle(abletotravelfreely,playvideogames,playbasketballwiththeirfriends,noresponsibility)

• Theyenvisionmarriageasbeingpinnedtotheground• However,onceyougetmarried,yourlifeperspectivechanges

o Freeyourselffrommanychildishthingso Marriageissupposedtobearightofpassageo Freetobecomeandadult

6.) Commitment is not a one-time thing; it’s an ongoing process

• Marriageisacommitment• Itisnottestingtherelationship• Onceyoucommittolovethem,youmustcontinuewiththem

7.) Conflicts do not destroy marriages, resentment and withholding do

• Manyhusbandsandwivestrytoavoidconflict• Isithealthytoexposekidstoconflictbetweenmomanddad?

o Sometimesitisgood,youneedtoexposechildrentoacertaindegreeofconflict

o Theyseehowmomanddadgetupsetbutlaterreconcileo Itisatestofreality:evenwhenthingsgobad,theycanstillgetbetter

• Conflictisasignofgrowth,anopportunitytolearnwhatchangedinyourlifethatrequiresyourattention

8.) Your primary relationship is with your spouse and not your children

• Whentherelationshipgoesbadbetweenhusbandandwife,thereisacompetitionoverthekids

• Themotherbecomesoverlyprotectiveo Tryingtoprotectthemfromwhatmaycomenext,suchasabuseor

divorce• Sheattachesherselftothechildrenforemotionalfulfillmentbecauseshedoes

notreceiveitfromherhusband• Sometimes,thehusbandtriestowinthekidsoverbyspoilingthem• Thehusbandandwifefocussomuchonthechildrenthattheylosetheprimary

relationshipbetweenthemselves

9.) It’s never too late to repair a damaged trust • Forexample,hewascheatingonyou

o It’snevertoolatetosalvageadamagedtrusto Thisprocesstakestime

• Canbehardtorestoretrustbecauseofemotionalpaino Injuryoftrustisnotphysicalbutratheremotional

• Menandwomendealwithemotionalpaindifferently• Mendealwithemotionalpainlikephysicalpain

o Ifyouhaveeverbumpedyourkneeorelbowonadeskorchair,itisverypainful

o Butifyouareaskedtolookatthatcorneryouhit(orevenjustrememberitinyourmind),youwouldnotfeelthesamepain

• Emotionalpainisdifferent:itisalwaysfresh,asifitjusthappenednowo Thisishowthehusbandandwifefeelwhendealingwithmistrusto Thus,recoveryisdifficulto Onlyifthecoupletieslooseendsandlearnsemotionalclosurecanthey

restorethetrusto It’snevertoolate,itisdoableandrequirestime,effort,andcommitment

frombothparties

• Sometimes,mistakeslikethesecanbealearningexperienceinadditiontoafocalpointoftherelationship

o Itcanbeameanstocatapultyoutothebestpartofyourrelationshipo IbnQayyimalJawziyyahsaidthatAllah cantestpeoplewithasin,

whichwillultimatelyprovokerepentance§ Thisrepentanceisunparalleledtoanyotherrepentancethey

wouldhavemadeforothermistakeso Whenweareinourcomfortzone,wehavenowheretoendupo Butwhenwemakeamistake,weimproveourselvesbysaying,“Iwill

neverputmyselfinthatpositionagain”

10.) Expectations usually set us up for resentment • Resentmentisbasedonexpectation• Explainedinmoredetailonpage62

11.) Your opinion is not the truth

• Whenthemanseesthingsacertainway,hethinks,“Thisiswhatitis!”o Samewiththelady

• Wheneverthehusbandandwifefight,theconversationsoundsmorefactualo “Yousaidthis!”o “No,youdidthat!”o “Whataboutlasttime?”o “Whataboutyourmom?”o “Wheredidyougetthatfrom?”o Intheend,thecoupleneverresolvetheissue

• Inanemotionalargument,thefactsandtruthbecomeabsolutelyirrelevant• Noonecareswhoisrightorwrong• Peopleonlycareaboutonething:youhurtme,makemefeelbetter• Ifweareonlytryingtoproveourselvesright,wearemissingthepoint

o Stoptryingtoproveyourspousewrongo Lettheconversationflow,seewhatyourspousereallyneedsinorderto

feelbetter§ Maybeyourspouseneedsahug,kiss,orcupofcoffee§ Trytotakeyourspouseout:let’sgoshopping,let’sgrabicecream

• It’notaboutwhoserightandwrong,it’snotaboutthetrutho Instead,trytofindoutwhathappenedo Then,trytofixthesituationo It’sallabout,“I’mhurt,makemefeelbetter”

12.) Marriage should always be a win/win scenario

• Whydoesithavetobe“Youlose,Iwin”mentality?• Somepeoplefeeltheneedtowineverybattle

o Especiallywhenitcomestothemother• Trytoamendthesituation

13.) Always appreciate your spouse for the ordinary things • Somepeoplewaitforthebigthingstosaythankyou• Whycan’twesaythankyoufortheordinarythings?

o JazakAllahkhairfortakingthekidstothemasjido Thankyouforthecupofcoffee,Ireallyappreciateito Youlookawesome

• Whenyouappreciatethelittlethings,yourspousewillfeelsatisfied• Spousesneedtofeelappreciated

o Theydon’twanttofeellikewhatthey’redoingisgoingdownthedrain

14.) Possessiveness and jealousy are born out of fear not love • Whywouldaladygrabherhusband’sphone?

o Shemustbelookingforsomethingelseapartfromtimeandweathero Shewantstomakesuresheisok

• Cautionisnecessaryattimes,andjealousycanbeameansofsurvival• Youneedtodothebestthingthatwillreduceyourchancesoflosingyourspouse

o Ifamanfeelsthatheislosinghiswife,heneedstoupgradehimselfo Heneedstolookforwhatismissingandthenaddthattotherelationship

§ E.g.Istherelackofcommunication,nothankyou,notaffectionateenough,notbuyinghergifts,notbeingconsiderateofherfeelings?

o Sameforthelady:sheneedstolookforwhatismissingintherelationshipwithherhusbandandprovidethat

§ E.g.Ishemissingpeaceofmind?

15.) If you think marriage counseling is too expensive, try divorce

• Manycouplesdon’thavepremaritalcounselingbecausetheythink$500istooexpensive

• Yet,theyarewillingtospend$25,000onawedding• Thebesttimetohavemaritalcounselingiswhentherelationshipisongood

terms,notwhenit’snasty• Also,ifthemarriageisgoingintostagnation,thisaredflag

o Thecoupleshouldseekcounseling,theyneeddirectiono Neverunderestimatecounseling,itisevenmentionedintheQur’an:

“Andifyoufeardissensionbetweenthetwo,sendanarbitratorfromhispeopleandan

arbitratorfromherpeople.Iftheybothdesirereconciliation,Allahwillcauseitbetweenthem.Indeed,AllahiseverKnowingandAcquainted[withallthings].”Surahal-Nisa,4:35

16.) Forgiveness is its own reward, and revenge is its own punishment

• Forgivenesssetsyoufreefromotherpeople• Ifyoualwaysholdagrudge,youanchoryourselftotheperson• Justletgo,andthingswillbefine

17.) It’s not always about you • Ifyourspouseisinabadmood,itdoesn’tnecessarilyhavetodowithyou• Maybehejusthadabaddayatwork• Givehimsometime,andhewillcomearound

18.) Silence can be deafening

• Don’tusesilenceasaweapon,itcanbeverydevastating• Ironically,itisextremelyloud

o E.g.Ahusbandcomesintothehouseandsayssalam,womanrespondswiththesalamandstaysquietwhenhetriestohaveaconversation

o Itisalmostlikesheisyellingthroughhersilenceo Itisnothealthyinarelationshipo However,itisoktobeupsetforsometime

19.) Patience is a lost virtue

• Indepartmentstores,peoplecan’tstandinlinesanymore,theykeepswitchinglines

• Peopleorderonlineandusedrive-throughforfoodandmedicine• Thereisnodrive-throughformarriageorforgivingtheshahada• Ashumanbeings,wehaveaverylimitedreservoirofpatience

o Patiencedecreasesthroughstressinourlifeo Butourpatiencecanincreasewhenwelearntobemoretoleranto Anexperimentwasconductedtotestpeople’stolerance:

§ Somepeopleinthewaitingroomweretoldtoeatfromeithertheredradishorthecookies

§ Othersweretoldtheycannoteatthecookies§ Aftersometime,theparticipantsweregivenanunsolvablepuzzle§ Researchersdiscoveredthatthosebannedfromthecookiesspent

5-7minuteslesstimeworkingonthepuzzlebeforetheygaveupincomparisontothosewhowereallowedtoeatfromthecookies

§ Why?Becausethosepeoplespentsomeoftheirtoleranceresistingthecookies,sotheyhadlesstolerancethanothersinsolvingthepuzzle

• Thissameconceptalsoworksinmarriageo Theworsttimeforyoutofindemotionalfulfillmentisthefirst10

minuteswhenyougetbackfromworko Peoplecomehomefromworkexpectingfood,aperfecthouse,andkids

behavingo Butitdoesn’tworklikethis,ShaykhYaseradvisespeopletochewgum

thefirst10minuteswhentheymeettheirspouseafteralongday§ Whenyouchewgum,youcannotlookangry§ Asaresult,youalwayshaveasenseofrelief

o Thelast10minutesbeforeyouleaveforworkshouldbeanenjoyabletime

• Weneedtopracticepatienceinourliveso TheProphet said,“Knowledgecomesfromlearningandhilm

(forbearanceandpatience)comesthroughtraining.”

20.) Marriage is not about you being happy; it’s about making someone else happy

• “Andtheylivedhappilyeverafter”àthisisthebiggestlieweweretoldliesaschildren

• Marriagedoesnotmakeyouhappy,itmakesyouresponsible,thisistherealworld

• Youmakeyourselfhappyo Happinessdoesnotdependonyourmarriage

• Somepeoplemaybeinamiserablerelationship,buttheyarestillhappy• Whenyouarehappy,youcangivehappinesstosomeoneelse• Inmarriage,youneedtotrytomakeyourspousehappy• Peoplearehappieringivingratherthantaking

o Samewiththerelationship:dothingsthatmakeyourspousehappy,thingsthataremeaningfultothem(notyou)

o WhatifItriedeverythingbutmyspouseisstillnothappy?Makedua

FROMTHELIFEOFTHEMESSENGEROFALLAH Dealingwithtroubles–eventheProphethadproblemswithhisfamily:1.) Jealousy TheProphet asked‘A’ishah iftherewasanyfoodbecausehedidn’twantthegueststowaitlong.‘A’ishahoverheardthefootstepsofaservantcomingfromthehouseofHafsah

(keepinmindthat‘A’ishahwasnotaverygoodcook).Themomentsheheardthefootsteps,‘A’ishahjumpedontheservantandhitherarmsoutofjealousy.Theplatedroppedandbroke,andfoodspilledallovertheplace.TheProphet saweverything.Mostothermenwouldreprimandtheirwives,sayingthingslike,“Howcanyoudothis?”and“Youhaveembarrassedmeinfrontofmyguests!”,buttheProphetwasdifferent.Hestartedcollectingthefood,andtoldhisguests,“WhatcanIdo?Sheisveryjealous.”Sometimes,jealousycanbeanissueoftrust.Oneday,theProphet wassleepinginthehouseof‘A’ishah .Whenhethoughtshewasasleep,heleftthehouseinthemiddleofthenight.Shethoughthewasgoingtovisitanotherwife,soshebecameveryjealous.Sheputonherclothesandstartedwalkingafterhim.TheProphet actuallywenttothecemetery(al-Baqee);heraisedhishandsandmadeduaforthedeceased.Thenhereturnstohishouse,headingstraighttowards‘A’ishahwhowashiding.Sheturnedaroundandstartedwalkingfast.TheProphet hastenshisfootsteps,andsodid‘A’ishah.Shereachesthehousebeforehedoes,breathingverilyheavily.Athome,theProphetasksherwhilesheistryingtocatchherbreath,“Wasthatyou?”‘A’ishahfeltveryshy,embarrassed,andawkward.Heaskedher,“AreyouafraidthatAllahandHisMessengerwillbeunfairtoyou?”Outofherloveforhim,shewantedtoreconcilerightaway,soshegoestohughim.ButtheProphet placeshishandonherchestandpushesheraway.Thiswasanaturalreaction(i.e.I’mnotreadyrightnow.Howcanyoudothistome?).TheProphetgotoveritlaterandmovedon.Heknewthatshewasactingoutofloveforhim.2.) Finances TheProphet wasalwaysgenerous,andhealwaysgavehiswiveswhattheydeservedoftheirallowances.TherewasstillmoretreasurecomingfromMadinah,whichhewoulddistribute,andthewivesoftheProphetwantedmore.TherewasanespeciallylargeamountoftreasurecomingfromBahrain;theycomplainedtotheProphet .Umar overheardthem,sohecomesandaskspermissiontoenter.Whenheenters,allthewomencoverupandthenremainquiet.HeasksthemwhytheyraisetheirvoiceswiththeProphet

yettheyareveryquietwhenhecomes.Oneofthemansweredback,sayingthattheProphetisaverykind,tolerant,andpatientpersonwhileUmarisarudeman.Sheexplainedthatitisnoneofhisbusinessandheshouldn’tgetinvolved.So,welearnfromthisincidentthateventhewivesoftheProphet weredemandingintermsoffinances.

Intraditionalfamiliestoday,manymendon’tdisclosetheirearningstotheirwivesandevenkeeptheirbankaccountssecret.Manytimes,itisbecauseoftheman’sresponsibilitytohisownparents,family,andperhapscousinsoverseas.

3.) Silent treatment ThewivesoftheProphet wouldsometimesgivetheProphetcoldtreatmentduetoissueslikefinances.Umar overheardthis,andheaskedhisdaughterHafsah ,“YaHafsah,isittruethatyoudon’tspeaktotheProphet forsometime?”Shereplied,“Yes,sometimesforthewholedayuntilnight.”Umarsaid,“Mydaughter,don’tdothis.Youarenot‘A’ishah.Shecandoitandgetawaywithit,butyoucan’t.”Shortlyafterwards,rumorsspreadinthecommunitythattheProphet haddivorcedallhiswives.Umar goesstraighttoHafsah whoiscrying.Hesays,“Youdon’tlistentome!”HethenasksheriftheProphethaddivorcedher,butshewasn’tsure.So,heleftinsearchoftheProphet whohadisolatedhimselfabovethehouseof‘A’ishah (sohewasinaroomsimilartoaloftwhile‘A’ishahwasinthelowerlevel).Umaraskedpermissiontoenterthreetimes,andhewasfinallygivenpermission.HesawtheProphet

leaningonhisside,lookingveryupset.UmartriedtobreaktheicebysayinghowmenhadmorecontrolinMakkahandhowtheAnsariwomeninMadinahweremoreoutspokenwithstrongerpersonalities.HegoesontoexplainhowtheMakkanwomenstartedlearningfromtheMadinanwomenandhowhisownwifeevenrespondedbacktohim!TheProphet hadabigsmileonhisface,andheunderstoodUmar’swords.Umar thenfeltmorerelaxed,sohesatdownandaskedtheProphetifhehaddivorcedhiswives.TheProphet saidno,buthegaveanoathnottoapproachthemforanentiremonth(similartoakindofboycott).So,thewivesweregivinghimsilenttreatment,sohewasgivingthemsilenttreatmentinreturn.After29days,theProphet returned,startingwiththehouseof‘A’ishah .Hewasexcitedtobeback,andyouwouldthinkthat‘A’ishahwouldbetoo,saying“Thankyou”and“I’msosorry”.Instead,shesaid,“Well,themonthisnotoveryet!”TheProphet couldhavejustleft,buthesaidthemonthcanbelikethis(flashing30days)orlikethis(flashing29days).Hewasmoreorlesssaying,bequiet,let’sgetoverit,andmoveon.

4.) In-laws EventhemostprecioushouseoftheProphet hadissues.‘A’ishah wasn’tjealousofanyonemorethanFatimah .TherelationshipbetweentheProphet andFatimahwascertain(i.e.connectedbyblood),buttherelationshipbetweentheProphetand‘A’ishahwasuncertain(i.e.hecoulddivorceher).So,wheneverFatimahcame,‘A’ishahwouldhaveherguardupbecausetheProphet didnotofferhisfullattentionto‘A’ishah.WhiletheProphet wasonhisdeathbed,Fatimahsatdownnexttohim.Hewhisperedsomethingtoher,andstartedcrying.Hethenwhisperedtoheragain,andshethenstartedlaughing.‘A’ishahlateraskedFatimahaboutthisincident,butsheexplainedthatitwasherfather’ssecretwhichshewillnotdisclose.About6monthslater,Fatimahtells‘A’ishahabouttheconversation:thefirsttimehewhisperedtoherthathewillbeleaveningthisworld,andthesecondtimehewhisperedtoherthatshewillbejoininghiminJannah.Fatimahpassedawayabout6monthsafterthepassingoftheProphet .Once,theProphet cametothehouseofFatimah ,andheaskedher,“Whereisyourcousin?”TheProphetnoticedthatshewasnotinherbestmood,andheknewtherewasanissuegoingonbetweenherandherhusband.EventhequestiontheProphetaskedembodiesdeepmeaning;inthetribalsystem,whenyouasksomeonewherehisorhercousinis,itisastatementoftahbeeb,awaytosoftentheheart.TheProphet istryingtobreaktheicebyremindingFatimahthatherhusbandisalsohercousin.Shesays,“Idon’tknow.Somethinghappened,andhejustleft.”Fromsomenarrations,FatimahdidnotdisclosewhathappenedtotheProphet.Shewantedtoberespectfultoherhusband,soshekeptthingsjustbetweenthem.Nowadays,wheneveranissuecomesupbetweenahusbandandwife,thewifecallshermomandtellshereverything,whichlaterspreadstothefather,brothers,etc.Likewise,thehusbandcansometimescallhismomorsisteranddiscloseallthedetails.TheProphet sentsomeonetofindAli becauseFatimahneededemotionalsupportfromherhusbandatthattime.Hestayedwithherinthemeantime.TheyreceivednewsthatAliisinthemasjid,sotheProphetwentstraightover.TheProphetfoundAlionthefloorwithdustalloverhisbody;hewasagitated,flippingleftandright.TheProphet wokehimupandsaid,“Getupdustyman.”So,hetookAlihomeandreconciledbetweenhimandhiswife.Lookatthisbeautifulexample!TheProphet dealtwithin-lawissues,buthedidn’ttakesidesorargueabouttheproblem.Rather,hejustwantedtoreconcilebetweentheirhearts.Butinseriousmattersthatrequiredintervention,theProphetwouldaddresstheissuewithhisson-in-law.Forexample,AliwantedtomarryanotherwifewhohappenedtobethedaughterofAbuJahl(shewasMuslim).Fatimah becameupsetandtoldherfather.TheProphet pulledAliasideandaskedhimifitweretrue.Hethensaid,“Iswearby

Allah,itisneverpossiblethatthedaughteroftheMessengerofAllahandthedaughteroftheenemyofAllahwillbewiththesameman.”Hewastellinghimthathecan’tdothis.TheProphet wasnotobjectingtoAlihavingasecondwife,buthewasobjectingspecificallytohischoice.Ali nevermarriedasecondwifeduringthelifetimeoftheProphetorFatimah(untilshepassedaway).Dealings with love1.) Being playful with love It’sallaboutstrengtheningloveandmercy;rightsandobligationswillfallinrightplaceafterwards.‘A’ishah wasoncewiththeProphet .Thecaravanwentwayaheadofthem,sotheProphetsaid,“Let’srace!”Heactuallystartedrunningwithhiswife!Canyouimaginethat?Somepeoplearesoconservative,theycannotevenimaginetheProphetrunning.Akhi,takeiteasy.Thiswasamanandhiswiferunninginthedesert,havingfun.‘A’ishahwonthefirsttime,butlateronwhenshewasolderandhadgainedsomeweight,theyracedagainandtheProphet won.

2.) Eating food can be romantic Atleastonemealshouldbeeatentogetherwiththefamily.Imagineifthehusbandandwifefeedeachotherinthemostbeautifulway.ShaykhYasseralwayspraiseshiswife’scookinginfrontofthekids,andthekidslearnedfromhim.Oneday,theProphet waseatingwith‘A’ishah .Shehadinherhandapieceofmeat,andasshewaseating,theProphetaskedhertohandhimthemeat.Shegavehimthepieceofmeat,andhetookabitefromwhereshehadeatenfromwhileshewaslookingathim.Itwasaveryromanticmoment.‘A’ishah wasoncedrinkingfromacup,andtheProphet askedforit.Hetookthecup,turneditaround,anddrankfromthesamespotwhereherlipswere.Makesureyouhaveyourkidsseeyoufeedingeachother.

3.) He was a man of chivalry TheProphet wasalwaystheretoassisthiswives.Forexample,Saffiyah wastyringtojumponacamel,sotheProphetkneeleddownforher,andsheusedhiskneeasastep.Asshewasjumpingoverthecamel,theProphetwascoveringherfrombehindsothatshewouldn’tbeexposed.Inourtimes,wecanfollowthisexamplebyopeningthedoorforourspouse.4.) Acts of service ‘A’ishah saidthattheProphet wasattheserviceofhisfamilyuntiltheadhaanwascalled–afterthat,hewasgone,likeastranger.So,whenhewasaroundthehouse,hewouldhelpalot.Healsotookcareofhisownshirtandshoes.Butobviously,‘A’ishahwantedtoserveProphettoo.Itwasamatterofcompletionthatcamefromlove.5.) Pranks are always welcome Funpranksareok,buttheyshouldnotbedisrespectful.TheProphet ,‘A’ishah ,andSawda‘ wereonceeatingamealinthehouseoftheProphet.Sawdaismucholderthan‘A’ishah(shewasprobablytheageofhermother).Sawdawasinthecampof‘A’ishah,underherleadership.‘A’ishahwasnotaverygoodcook,andshepresentedthemwithfoodthatwasabitgreasy.TheProphet startedeating,buthedidn’tsayanything.‘A’ishahstartseatingtoo,andsheasksSawdawhysheisn’teatinganything.Sawdaresponds,“Idon’tlikeit.”‘A’ishahsays,“Youwilleat,orI’mgoingtospraythisinyourface!”So,shegrabssomefoodandrubsitinSawda’sface.Sawdaissoshocked,andshelooksattheProphet whoisluaghingandgesturingthatsheshouldretalite.So,Sawdarubsthefoodis‘A’ishah’sfacetoo.AVOIDINGCONFLICT–THEVICIOUSCYCLEOFCONFLICT

HEREACTS WITHOUTLOVE

SHEREACTS

WITHOUTRESPECT

Theviciouscycleofconflictisthereasonwhythehusbandandwifeneversolveaproblem.Whatthehusbandneedsthemostfromhiswifeisrespect.Whatthewifeneedsthemostfromherhusbandislove.Loveandrespectarethesamething,butmenandwomenspeakdifferentdialects.Whenwedeliverloveorrespect,wemustmakesureitismeaningfultoyourspouse,evenifitdoesn’tmakesensetoyou.WhenShaykhYaseraskedmenhowtheycanreceiverespectfromtheirwives,thenumber1answerwascookinggoodfoodontime.Formen,itisnotaboutthefooditself,butratherhavingawifewhocaresthathewasoutallday.WhenShaykhYaseraskedwomenwhattheywantthemostfromtheirhusbands,thenumber1answerwasactsofservicesuchashelpingaroundthehouse.Theywanthimtocare,notnecessarilyworkmore.The Love and Respect Spiral Whenitstartswithalittlethingandendsupwithamess.Saythatthewifecooksanamazingdinnerandhasthehousereadyforherhusband.Afterdinner,thehusbandgoestothelivingroomwhilethewifepreparessweetsandcoffee.Sheasks,“Honey,what’sonTV.”Heresponds,“Dust.”(i.e.theTVisdirty).Howdoyouexpectthewifetoreact?Herespondedwithoutlove.So,shewillrespondwithoutrespect,andsays,“Whydon’tyougocleanityourself!”Themansays,“Watchyourtongue.”Shesays,“No,youwatchyourtongue!”Thenthereisahugeargument.Hewillrespondwithevenlesslove,andshewillrespondwithevenrespect.Itbecomesafullcircle,andwhenthatcirclebecomesfull,anewcirclestarts(similartoaspiral).Whatisthesolution?Youmustreverseit.Theshortestdistancebetweentwopointsisastraightline.So,gofrompointBstraighttopointAbycuttingthroughallthelayers.ThissolutionismentionedintheQur’an:

“AndwhoisbetterinspeechthanonewhoinvitestoAllahanddoesrighteousnessandsays,"Indeed,IamoftheMuslims.Andnotequalarethegooddeedandthebad.Repel[evil]bythat[deed]whichisbetter;andthereupontheonewhombetweenyouandhimisenmity[willbecome]asthoughhewasadevotedfriend.Butnoneisgranteditexceptthosewhoare

patient,andnoneisgranteditexceptonehavingagreatportion[ofgood].AndiftherecomestoyoufromSatananevilsuggestion,thenseekrefugeinAllah.Indeed,HeistheHearing,the

Knowing.”SurahFussilat,41:33-36It’sallaboutsubmissiontoAllah andrespondingwiththatwhichisbest.What’smeaningoftheseayat?Listen,youclaimtobelieve:thensubmit!Sometimesyouwillseerulesandcommandsthatyourarenothappywith,butiftheycomefromAllah,thensubmit!LikeIbrahim whenhesenthiswifeandkidtodesertandwaslatercommandedtosacrificehisson;hedidn’thesitate.Nowadays,ouregocangetinthewayofobeyingtheteachingsoftheProphet .Idon’twanthimtowin,Idon’twanthertowin.Respond with that which is best Thegoodandthebadarenotequal.Alwaysrespondwiththatwhichisbest.Allahsaysidfa’(pushàputfortheffort,startsweating,needsalotofwork).Hedidn’t’say‘imal(do).Respondwiththatwhichisbest.Usually,whensomeonewrongsyou,youmostlylikelyrespondwiththatwhichisworst,notevenequal.Sometimes,wefallverylowfromwhatisexpectedofus.

BETTER

Allah emphasizestheimportanceofstrivingthebestlevel.Ifwefallshortofthe“best”level,wewouldatleastachieve“better”or“good”.Butifwealwaysreachthe“equal”levelinanattempttoretaliate,whenwefallshort,wewillreachthe“bad”,“worse”,or“worst”level.Respondingwiththatwhichisbestisnotnecessarilyeasy,butAllahtellsusthatifwecontinuewiththispath,thehostilitymayturnintofriendship.Yourgoodmannerscanreallychangeaperson.Allahremindsusthatitwillnotbeeasy,andonlythosewhotrulyperceiveandarepatientcanpassthattest.Ifyou’renotoneofthem,thenbecomeoneofthem.Thosewhoarepatientwillbegrantedgreatreward.Remember,therewardisfromAllah,notthepeople.You’renotdoingittoreceivea“thankyou”,butbecauseyouneedtodotherightthing.Allahremindsusthatwearehumanbeings.Therecanbetimeswherewejustlostit.Ithappens,it’snottheendoftheworld.IfShaytandistractsyouandwhisperstoyou,seekfeugewithAllah.Recalibrate,dotherightthing,andmoveon.Keeptryingandtrying!Non-stopeffort.Hopefullyyouwillbeabletopasstest.Forgive and Forget Requires Momentum

“Whospend[inthecauseofAllah]duringeaseandhardshipandwhorestrainangerandwho

pardonthepeople-andAllahlovesthedoersofgood.”SurahAle-Imran,3:134Somepeopleholdtheirangerandforgiveyou,buttheyneverforget.Wemustholdouranger,forgive,andforget.Thisprocessrequiresmomentum.Forgivingandforgettingsetsyoufreeandbringsyoupeace!Ifyoudon’tforgiveandforgetyouwillbedictatedbyemotionsyouexpectfromotherpeople.Ifyoudidtherightthink,whocareswhatotherpeoplesay?THETRAPOFEXPECTATIONThisisthenumber1reasonforyoungcouplestogetadivorce.Whentalkingtothesecouples,ShaykhYasernotedthatthetopwordtheyuseis“expect”andallitsderivatives.Thesecondmostcommonlyusedwordis“understand”.Expectationsareanormalpartofanearlymarriage.InLoveNotes,wediscussedthe5phasesofmarriage:inlove,honeymoon,disappointment,adjustment,andautopilotphase.Inthedisappointmentphase,it’sallaboutthetrapofexpectation.DuringShaykhYaser’scounseling,thesecondpartofthemarriageprofileistheDNAoftheproblem.Thisreferstoadeepunderlyingthemethatkeepscomingupintherelationshipoverandoveragain.Thisthemecanactuallybetriggeredbyoneearlyproblem(e.g.somethingthathasbeensaidordoneinthepast).Oneofthebiggestproblemsis

uncertainty.Thefirstmanifestationofuncertaintyisanger.Angerisnevertheproblem;itisonlyasymptomtoadeeperproblem.Weneedtodifferentiatebetweenangerasafeelingandactingangrilyasabehavior.Asafeeling,youcanhaveasmuchangerasyouwant.Butintermsofbehavior,ifyouactangrilyanditbecomesahabit,youneedtochange.Mosthusbandandwifecouplesdealwithangerbyremainingsilentforafewdays,thentheycomebacktogether.Theybreaktheice,moveon,andneversolvedproblem.Uncertaintybreedsanxiety,andyourbrainstartspreparingyoufortheworstcasescenario.Anxietyisactuallythebrain’swayoftryingtodefendyouasitpreparesyouforthefightorflightresponse.Whenyouareunabletodealwiththefightorflightresponse,yougetsoscaredanddevelopafearoftheunknown.“Whatif?”scenarioskeepracingthroughyourbrain.Itbecomessooverwhelmingandunbearablethatyouusuallystarttogiveupandbecomenumb.Youbecomeverycold,youdon’tknowwhattodo,andyougointoamodeofresentment,givingpeoplesilenttreatment.Itcanleadtodepressionandyoucangeteasilytickedoffasyoulashoutatpeople.Overall,angerisonlyasymptomofuncertainty.

Solution Communication,notspeculation.Ifyoudon’tshareinformation,peoplewillmaketheirown.Fixtheuncertaintyboxbecausethentherewillbenoanxiety,resentment,oranger.Whatisthefirstsignthatyourstartingtodealwithuncertainty?Criticism.Whenyourspousestartscriticizingyou,heorsheisdealingwithsomeuncertainty(e.g.newdevelopment,newchange,newinformation,somevaluablestheydon’thavecontrolover).Thisuncertaintythenleadstoanxiety,etc.So,whenyourspousestartscriticizing,besmartandstartinvestigatinginaniceway.Trytofindoutwhatthesituationis.Onceyoufindout,dealwithit.Mostpeopletrytosolvethisproblembycontrollingthevariables.Peoplebecomeverycontrolling,theywanttocontroltheirspouse,wheretheygo,whattheydrive,whattheywork,howmuchtheyget,etc.Theydon’twanttoleaveanythingtouncertainty,andthisisasignofinsecurity.Butremember,peoplecanonlytoleratecontroltoacertainlimit.

Anxiety

FearoftheUnknown

Uncertainty

Resentment

Beyondthatlimit,webreak.Soremember,controlisnotthesolution.Acertainleveloftrustneedstobemaintained.Mostpeoplecontroleachotherbyharshcriticismwhichisultimatelyanattempttocontrolhowyouthink,feel,behave.Themother-in-lawtriestosizedownthedaughter-in-lawbycriticizingher(e.g.food)inanattempttocontrolher.Inordertoremoveuncertainty,youneedtomaketheuncertainlessuncertainwithinformationyouobtainthroughcommunication.Forexample,ifthereistensionbetweenahusbandandwifeconcerninglivingconditionsandexpenses,thehusbandshouldopenlycommunicatewiththewifethatheisjob-huntingandtakingsuchandsuchstepstosecuretheirfuture.Ifyou’renotagoodcommunicator,youmustlearnhowtocommunicate.

CHAPTER THREEParents - The Guardians

CHAPTER 3: PARENTS, THE GUARDIANS BIRR’L-WALIDAYN

THEMEANINGOFBIRR’L-WALIDAYN“Barr”intheArabiclanguagemeansopenspacewithnoboundaries.Therefore,theword“birr”in“birr’l-walidayn”meanstosharekhairandkindnesswithyourparentswithnolimits.Allah referstotheangelsintheQuranas“kiraminbarara”andthepeopleofJannahas“abrar.”“Barara”fortheangelscomesfromgoodness,“birr.”Meaningtheangelsaregoodinessence.Whereas“abrar”forthepeopleofJannahcomesfromtheactionsthatmadethepeoplegood,“barr.”Whatmakesahumanbeinggoodisnottheessence,buttheoutcomeofhisorheractions.Whatmakesangelsgoodistheessenceoftheircreationitself.Islisteningtoyourparentsconsideredbirr’l-walidayn?Doyouhavetogiveyourparentsmoney?Doyouhavetocareforthemphysically?Absolutely,therearenoboundaries.Thequestionthatarisestheniswhichofthekhairyoushouldgiveyourparents?Thatisbasedonacase-by-casescenario.Someparentsshouldbegivenmoney,whileotherparentsshouldbegivencompanybybeingwiththemphysically.Youhavetobeconsiderateofwhattheirneedsareandyoucanofferbirr’l-walidayntotheminwhicheverwaytheyneedit.BIRR(BENEVOLENCE)VS.HUBB(LOVE)Isyourobligationtogiveyourparentsbirr’l-walidaynorhubb’l-walidayn?Areweobligatedtobekindtothem(birr)orareweobligatedtolovethem(hubb)?Givingthembothwouldbeperfect,butwhatifyoucannotgivethemhubb?Hubbisanemotionandbirrisanaction.Birr’l-walidaynisyourobligation.Evenifyougrewupinatoughhouseholdandcannotfeelloveforyourparents,youmuststilltreatthemwithactsoflove.IfyouwereobligatedbyAllah toloveyourparents,thenitwouldhavebeentoughforpeopletoachieveinsomecases.However,everyonecanbekindandpatientandcanendurehardshipwiththeirparents.Wheredoestheobligationtoloveyourparentscomefrom?Allah madethatclearintheQuran:

“Wehavecommandedpeopletobegoodtotheirparents:theirmotherscarriedthem,withstrainuponstrain,andittakestwoyearstoweanthem.GivethankstoMeandtoyour

parents—allwillreturntoMe.”SurahLuqman,31:14

Amothercarriesherbabyforninemonths,wahn‘alawahn(weaknessuponweakness).Whilecarryingthebaby,themothergetsweakerasthebabygetsstronger.Afterthebabyisborn,itisasifthebabysucksthelifeoutofher.Thetwoyearsthatfollowthebirth,themotherisattheserviceofthebaby.Themothermusteatanddrinkwellforthehealthofthechildthroughhermilk.Forthisreason,AllahcommandsyoutobegratefultoHimandtoyourparents.Givingthemyourbirrhasnothingtodowithwhethertheyweregoodorbadtoyou.Yourparentsearnedyourbirrbygivingbirthtoyou.Givingyourparentshubbcanbedifficultattimes,butyouarestillresponsibletogivethembirr.

ü Whatiftheparentswhoraisedyouarenotyourbiologicalparents?Areyouobligatedtogivethembirr?Obviously,becauseitisnotabouttheemotionoflove,buttheactionofkindness.Theyraisedyouandthereforedeserveyourbirr.

THEIMPORTANCEOFPARENTSANDHOWTHEYSHOULDBETREATED

“YourLordhascommandedthatyoushouldworshipnonebutHim,andthatyoubekindtoyourparents.Ifeitherorbothofthemreacholdagewithyou,saynowordthatshows

impatiencewiththem,anddonotbeharshwiththem,butspeaktothemrespectfullyandloweryourwinginhumilitytowardstheminkindnessandsay,‘Lord,havemercyonthem,

justastheycaredformewhenIwaslittle.’”SurahAl-Isra,17:23-24

WorshippingAllahandbeingkindtoyourparentsarementionedtogether.BeingkindtoyourparentsismentionedsecondtoworshippingAllah,almostasifyouareworshippingyourparents.WorshippingAllahisservitudeandyouaresimilarlyaservanttoyourparents,butinadifferentcontext.Ifyourparentsbecomeold,neversay“uff”tothem.Evenafrustratedsighintheirfaceisamajorsin.Sodonotyellatthem,donotraiseyourvoiceanddonotcussatthem.Loweryourwinginhumility,andsay,“MyLord,havemercyonthem.”Theyearneditbytakingcareofyouallthoseyears.Thereisnowayforyoutoeverpaythembackfortheirkindness.

THESIGNIFICANCEOFBIRR’L-WALIDAYNIt is second in command after worshipping Allah

“YourLordhascommandedthatyoushouldworshipnonebutHim,andthatyoubekindto

yourparents.”SurahAl-Isra,17:23

AllahmentionedbeingkindtoyourparentssecondtoworshippingHim.Itisalmostlikeyouareworshippingyourparents,butthereisnooneweworshipotherthanAllah.It is a gate to Jannah ItwasnarratedfromMu'awiyahbinJahimahAs-Sulami,thatJahimahcametotheProphet

andsaid:"OMessengerofAllah!IwanttogooutandfightandIhavecometoaskyouradvice."Hesaid:"Doyouhaveamother?"Hesaid:"Yes."Hesaid:"Thenstaywithher,for

Paradiseisbeneathherfeet."[Sunanan-Nasa'i]

Theparentsaregatestoal-Jannah,whentheyaregone,thosegatesareclosed.Ifyourparentsarestillalive,makesurethatyouhavethoseticketstoJannah.

It is showing gratitude to Allah

“Wehavecommandedpeopletobegoodtotheirparents:theirmotherscarriedthem,withstrainuponstrain,andittakestwoyearstoweanthem.GivethankstoMeandtoyour

parents—allwillreturntoMe.”SurahLuqman,31:14

DoinggoodtoyourparentsisshowinggratitudetoAllah.Lookatitthisway:itisnotaboutwhetheryourparentsdeserveitornot,butyoudeservetoalwaysbegrateful,tobekindandtodotherightthing.ShowinggratitudetoyourparentsisshowinggratitudetoAllah.It is a form of Jihad “AmancametotheProphet wantingtodojihad.TheProphetasked,‘Areyourparents

stillalive?’‘Yes,’hereplied.Hesaid,‘Thenexertyourselfontheirbehalf.’”[Bukhari]

Goandfightyourself,yourwhimsandyourdesiresservingyourparents.Servingyourparentsistrulyabigjihad.Itisnoteasytodealwithyourparentsintheiroldage.Especiallyifyouaremarriedwithkidsandyourparentsarebeingirrationalandunrealistic.Bepatientwiththem.Allah saidwegrowfromweakness,tostrength,toweaknessandthenwegetmuchweaker.Thisiswhathappenswithparents.Astheygetolderinage,theygetyoungerinmentalityandbecomelikekids.TheProphet saidasthesonofAdamgetsolder,twothingsgrowwithhim;stinginess(attachmenttoworldlythings)andawishforalonglife.Forkids,theirworldistheirbelongings.Theygetattachedtotheircrayons,toysandblanketetc.Olderadultsactlikekidsaswellwiththeirattachmenttotheirpossessionssuchasacuporaspoonetc.Weneedtobepatientwiththem.Dealingwithparentscanbeverydifficult,andthereforetherewardforbirr’l-walidaynissogreat.Enduringthehardshipsofbirr’l-walidaynissodifficult,andyouwillunderstandthiswhenyougetolderaswell.Growingoldismandatory,butgrowingupisoptional.The birr of the mother AbuHurayra said,"TheProphet wasasked,'MessengerofAllah,towhomshouldIbedutiful?''Yourmother,'hereplied.Hewasasked,'Thenwhom?''Yourmother,'hereplied.Hewasasked,'Thenwhom?''Yourmother,'hereplied.Hewasasked,'Thenwhom?'Hereplied,

'Yourfather.'"[Bukhari]

Themanmayhavebeenaskingwhoheshouldbedutifultoinhiscircleoffriends,buttheProphet surprisedhimbysaying“yourmother.”Themanwasshockedandaskedagain,andtheProphetsaid“yourmother.”ThemanwasgettingconfusedandaskedagainandtheProphetsaid“yourmother.”Themangotthesameresponsethreetimes.HerealizedtheProphetwasrepeatinghimselfconsciously,andsowhenheaskedthefourthtime,theProphetunderstoodthatthemanunderstoodandthenresponded“yourfather.”Themothergetsthreesharesversustheoneshareforthefather.Mostmenfeelthisisunfair,butlookatthetraditionalupbringing.Themotherhasgivensomuchtothechild.Specifically,theconceptofthechildgrowingupandliterallysuckingthelifeoutofher.Theysayaboutthemanthattherearetwowomeninhislife.Thefirstonegiveshimhislifeandthesecondonegiveshimherlife.Thefirstoneisthemotherandthesecondoneisthewife.However,ShaykhYaserthinksthatisanunfairstatementandthatitisthesamewomanforboth.Itisthemother,shegiveshimhislifeANDherlife,thencomesthewifeafterthat.Themotherdedicatesalotofhertimeandalotofherlifeforherchild.Ifnottakingcareofthechildphysically,sheworriesaboutthechild.Thatiswhyshedeserves¾ofyourbirr.The birr of the father AbuHurayrah narratedtheProphet said,"Achildcannotrepayhisfatherunlesshe

findshimasaslaveandthebuyshimandsetshimfree."[Muslim]Birrofthemotherismorebecauseoftheemotionalnatureofthemother,butitismorepragmaticfortheman.WhentheProphet wasaskedhowamancanpaybackhisfather’sbirr,theProphetsaidthereisnothingyoucanrepayhimwith,exceptifhefindshimasaslaveandbuyshimandsetshimfree.Inourtimes,thefathercanbeinbigdebtafterinvestinginhischild’supbringing,sosethimfreefromhisfinancialhardships.The birr to the non-Muslim parent

“ButiftheyendeavortomakeyouassociatewithMethatofwhichyouhavenoknowledge,donotobeythembutaccompanythemin[this]worldwithappropriatekindnessandfollowthewayofthosewhoturnbacktoMe[inrepentance].ThentoMewillbeyourreturn,andIwill

informyouaboutwhatyouusedtodo.”SurahLuqman,31:15

Ifyouhavenon-Muslimparents,doyouneedtoshowthembirr’l-walidayn?Yes!Ifyournon-Muslimparentstrytomakeyoucommitkufr,donotobeythem,butstillbekindto

them.Similarly,withMuslimparents,iftheytrytomakeyoudosomethingharam,donotobeythem,butstillbekindtothem.Doingbirrtoyourparentsisrequiredfromyou,specificallywhentheyarenotgoodtoyou.Becauseifyourparentsweregoodtoyou,therewouldbenoneedforareligiousmandatetotakecareofthemandbeingobedienttothem.Butbecausetheexpectationisthattheymightnotbethatgoodtoyou,youarestillrequiredtobekindtothem.Beinggoodtothemisareligiouscommand.Allah saidintheaboveversetotreatthemkindly,inawaythatwhichisconsideredequitable,customaryandreasonable.Agreatexampleofshowingkindnesstoyournon-MuslimparentscanbefoundinthelifeofAsmabintAbiBakr .WhenpeoplewouldmigratefromMakkahtoMadinah,theywouldbeunabletoadjusttotheclimateofMadinah.Theywouldgetallergiesandsicknessinthenewenvironment.MakkanwomenwhomigratedtoMadinahwereunabletoconceiveandhadmiscarriages.WhenthepeopleofMakkahandMadinahheardthisnews,theyweremockingthemigrantssayingtheywillnotbeabletoadjusttotheclimateandwillalldie.ThisiswhentheProphet madeduaforthefevertoberemovedfromthecityintothemountains.Finally,afteralmostayear,AsmabintAbiBakrbecamethefirstmuhajirwomantogivebirthtoahealthychild.ThatchildwasAbdullahibnZubayr ,andhebecameacelebritywhenhewasborn.Peoplewerecelebratingandpartying,notbecauseofAbdullahhimself,butbecausetherewasabreakthrough.ThenewsspreadallthewaytoMakkahtoAsma’snon-MuslimmotherandsoshecametoMadinahtocelebratewithherdaughter.WhenAsmasawhermothercamein,shegotconfusedbecausealotofMuslimsdidnotknowwhattodowiththeirnon-Muslimparentsatthetime.Asmadidnotevenallowhertocomeintothehouse.ShewenttotheProphet

andsaid,“Mymothercameallthewaytovisit,sheisstillamushrika.”Sheaskedwhethersheshouldhonorhermother.TheProphetwasshockedandsurprisedandsaid“Noquestion!Justtakecareofyourmother!”Fromthishadith,welearnthattherearenoboundarieswhenitcomestodealingwithnon-Muslimparents,unlesstheyorderyoutodosomethingthatviolatesyourfaith.Youshouldtreatyourparentswithkindnesseveniftheyarenon-Muslim.Warning against undutifulness to parents IntheArabiclanguage,thewordforbeingundutifultoyourparentsis“uquq’l-walidayn.”“Uquq”comesfromtheverb“’aqqa”meaningto“cut.”Wecelebratethebirthofachildbyperformingaqeeqah.“Aqeeqah”meanscuttingandsacrificingofananimal.Thereisalsoapreciousstone,whichintheArabiclanguageiscalled“aqeeq.”Aqeeqisredincolormostofthetime,andredisalsothecolorofblood.Andthereisalargevalley(likeatrench)inMadinahwhichbecomesaflowingriverintherainyseason.Thatvalleyiscalled“waadalaqeeq.”ItcutsMadinahcompletely,asifslayingtheEarth.So“uquq’l-walidayn”meanscuttingtieswithfamily.Itislikeslayingthatrelationshipandspillingthebloodoftherelationship.Itisaveryuglypicturewithadramaticmeaningmoresothan“disobediencetoparents.”Therearedifferentwaysthatpeoplepracticeuquq.

“YourLordhascommandedthatyoushouldworshipnonebutHim,andthatyoubekindtoyourparents.Ifeitherorbothofthemreacholdagewithyou,saynowordthatshows

impatiencewiththem,anddonotbeharshwiththem,butspeaktothemrespectfullyandloweryourwinginhumilitytowardstheminkindnessandsay,‘Lord,havemercyonthem,

justastheycaredformewhenIwaslittle.’”SurahAl-Isra,17:23-24

Thefirstpartoftheayahspeaksaboutthetreatmentofyourparentsverbally.

• Allahcommandsyoutoneverinsultyourparents.Evensimplysaying“uff”isinandofitselfaninsult.

• “Tanharhuma”israisingyourvoiceandyellingatthem,soneveryellatyourparents.

• ThenAllahsaystoonlyspeakwiththeminnoblewords.Thesecondpartoftheayahspeaksaboutloweringthewingsofhumilitytothemintermsoftreatmentandactions.Anykindoftreatmentofparentsoutsideoftheguidelinessetintheaboveverseisconsidereduquq’l-walidayn.Therefore,yelling,cursing,physicalabuse,silenttreatmentandallthesekindsoftreatmentsareconsidereduquq.Uquqisawideconceptandcoversanythingthathastodowithhurtingyourparents.Birr’l-walidayn after their death AmancametotheMessengerofAllah andasked,“OMessengerofAllah!Isthereany

kindnessordutifulnessthatIcanshowtomyparentsaftertheirdeath?”Hereplied:“Yes:(1)tosupplicateforthem,(2)seekAllah’sforgivenessforthem,(3)fulfilltheirwillandpledgesaftertheirdeath,(4)keepongoodtermswiththosewhoarenotconnectedwithyoubut

throughthem,(5)andshowreverencetotheirfriends.”[AbuDawud]Thelessonfromtheabovehadithisyoucanstillhavebirr’l-walidaynforyourparentsaftertheypassaway.Byprayingjanazahandmakingduaforthem,bymakingistighfarforthem,byfulfillingtheirwillandpledges(aslongastheyarehalalandwithinyourcapacity),bymaintainingrelationswiththosewhomyouarenotconnectedwithexceptthroughthem

(yourparents’cousins,forexample),andbyshowingreverenceandcheckingupontheirfriends.TheMessengerofAllah said:“Whenamandiesallhisgooddeedscometoanendexceptthree:Ongoingcharity(SadaqahJariyah),beneficialknowledgeandarighteoussonwho

praysforhim.”[Sunanan-Nasa’i]Therearethreemorethingsyoucoulddoforyourparentsaftertheypassaway.(1)iftheyhavemoney,thendonatesomeofitassadaqahjariyah,suchasbuildingamasjid,(2)ifyourparentswereknowledgeablepeopleandtheywrotebooksordidresearch,thensponsorsomepackagestosomeinstitutionsscholarshipssothatpeoplecanstartlearningbasedontheirscholarship.And(3)youcouldmakealotofduaforyourparents.AwomanfromthetribeofJuhainacametotheProphetandsaid,“MymotherhadvowedtoperformHajjbutshediedbeforeperformingit.MayIperformHajjonmymother’sbehalf?”TheProphetreplied,“PerformHajjonherbehalf.Hadtherebeenadebtonyourmother,wouldyouhavepaiditornot?So,payAllah’sdebtasHehasmorerighttobepaid.”

[Bukhari]Ifyourparentsdiedandtheydidnotperformhajj,thenyoucandohajjontheirbehalf,butmakesuretodohajjforyourselffirst.Canyoudohajjforyourparentandyourselfinthesamehajjseason?No.

CONTEMPORARYISSUESINDEALINGWITHPARENTSParents limiting the number of children for you Ifyou’remarriedandwouldliketohaveathirdchildandyourparentssayno,youdonothavetoobeythem.Unlessyourparentshavealegitimatereason,suchasthembabysittingthechildrenwhileyouandyourwifework.Ifyouhavingmorechildreninthissituationputsmorestressonyourparents,thentheydohavetherighttosayno.Parents preventing you from moving far away Ifyouwouldliketomovefarawayfromyourparentsforthesakeofyourcareer,cantheystopyou?Youshouldweighthecircumstances.Ifyourparentsneedyouphysically,thenyoushouldstayclose.Iftheydonotneedyou,thenyouhavethechoicetomoveawayeven

ifyourparentsdisapprove.Whenyouhaveadecision,itshouldnottranslateintouquq’l-walidayn.WhatifyourparentsarefinancingyourcollegeeducationandyouwanttostudyinBostonwhileyourparentswantyoutostudyinChicago?YoushouldstayinChicago.Andintermsofadegreedecisionwhentheyarepayingforyourcollege,youhavetolearntonegotiatewiththemifyourcareergoalsandtheirwishesdonotalign.ShaykhYasersuggeststhatyoufollowyourpassionintermsofyourcollegeeducation.Ifyourparentsdonotwanttofinanceit,thenyoufindanotherwaytopaywithouttakingloans(likescholarships).Parents causing fitnah between couples Whatifeverytimeyougotoyourparent’shouse,theycausefitnahbetweenyouandyourwife?Doyouhavetotakeyourwifewithyoueverytimeyougotoyourparent’shouse?Thatdependsonacase-by-casescenario.Ifyoucanmaintainorder,thenbringthefamily.Butifnot,everynowandthengobyyourselfandtakethekids.Parents asking for money Whatifyourdadasksyoutosendhimmoney?Thatalsodependsonacase-by-casescenario.Howoftendoesheask?Howmuchdoesheneed?Ifitisforhimbuyingaland,thenyoudonothaveto.Ifheneedsthemoney,thentakecareofhim.Ifhedoesnotneedthemoney,thenyoudonothavetosendittohim.Butbereasonable(bilma’roof).Ifyourdadneeds$300,sendinghim$400isfine.Butsendinghim$700isnotfairtoyourownfamily.Whataboutforthewife?Canshesendhermoneytoherfamily?Iftheyneedit,thenyes.Iftheydonot,thenbilma’roof(bereasonable),andrestwillbesharedwithfamily.Daughters taking care of their parents Whatifonlydaughtershappentobetakingcareofparentsandtheparentsaregettingolder?Thegirlsareresponsiblefortakingcareoftheparents.Ifthehusbandaskshiswifetonotsendmoneytoherparents,shouldsheobeyhim?FirstthingShaykhYaserrecommendsforparentsistoseekgoodcounseling.Theyneedtohavesomeoneneutraltoshowthemwhatisrightandwhatiswrongintheseissues.Lettheladygoandseekcounsellingifthehusbanddoesnotwanttogo.Thesesituationsarecasebycasescenarios,sogivingablanketanswerisnotright.Sometimes,sheshouldnotsendthemoney.Othertimes,sheshouldsendwhetherherhusbandagreesornot.Girlsarestillresponsible,especiallyifparentsareoldandunabletotakecareofthemselves,theyshouldtaketheminandthehusbandshouldaccommodateforthem.Thehusbandandwifeshouldhavethisconversationmuchearlierintheirrelationshipbeforeitbecomesreality.One parent being non-Muslim WhatifoneofyourparentsisMuslimandtheothernon-Muslim?Therearemanyfamilieslikethis.Isitevenallowedforanon-MuslimwifetoworshipashertraditioninthehouseofaMuslimhusband?Canshehavecrossinthehouse?Yes,shecan.Themanmarriedher

knowingshewaskaafirandwillworshipbasedonhertradition.Hehasnorighttopreventherfromworshippingashertradition.Asforotherissues,suchasdrinkingalcohol,thatisadifferentstory.Eveninherreligion,itisnotacceptabletodrink.Dealing with Difficult Parents Howmuchareyouresponsibletoobeydifficultparents?Youshouldobeythemaslongastheydonotcommandyoutodoharam.TheProphet saidthereisnoobediencetothecreationifitentailsdisobediencetotheCreator.Whatiftheyarenotcommandingyoutodoharam,butarepreventingyoufromdoinggood(suchasvolunteeringatthemasjidorevenattendingweekendseminars)?Youshouldstillobeyyourparentsiftheyarebeingreasonable(iftheyareworriedaboutlatenights,forexample).Iftheyarebeingunreasonable,thenlearntonegotiatewiththem.Whatifyouwanttobeanengineerandyourparentswantyoutobeadoctorandtheyrefusetospeakwithyouifyoubecomeanythingotherthanadoctor?Whenyouhaveachoiceinthesekindsofdecisions,itisyourrightaslongasitdoesnotclashwithyourparents.Asforadultswhohavebeendealingwithdifficultparentsforaverylongtime,Sh.Yaserrecommendsgoingtoprofessionaltherapy.Ithelpsyouclearyourheart,helpstielooseendsandtogetsomeemotionalclosureonthingsfromthepast.Nowasanadult,itisyourchoicetomakethesedecisions.Whenyouareyoungandsomethingwronghappens,shameonyourparents.Nowthatyouareanadultandsomethingwronghappens,shameonyou.Asanadult,learntomaketherightdecisions.Dealing with a neglectful parent ShaykhYaserrecommendsthatyounotjudgeyourparentforleaving,whetheritwasyourmotheroryourfatherwholeft.Youshouldtrytobeasneutralaspossible.Trytoputyourselfintheirshoes,maybetheyhadnochoicebuttoleaveanditwasnottheirfault.Maybethemotherwholeftdidsoduetoanabusivehusbandandshecouldnottakeitanymore.So,donotharboranygrudgeagainstthem.Again,whenyouwereyoung,shameonyourparents.Butnowthatyouareanadult,shameonyouifyouholdagrudgeagainstthem.Whatiftheparentwasneglectfulduetocarelessness?Whatiftheyjustwantedafreelife,abandonedtheirfamilyandnevercommunicatedwiththekids?Theywouldhavenoauthorityovertheirkids.Authorityisforthosewhotakecareoftheirkidsintheirlives.Therewasabrotherwhowasabandonedasachildandhewentlookingforhisfatheraftergrowingup.Hewantedtofindoutwhyhisfatherleft.Afterfindinghisfatherandrealizingthatheisgettingold,thebrothercametoShaykhYaserseekingadviceonwhetherhewasnowresponsiblefortakingcareofhisfather,eventhoughhisfathernevercaredforhimandneverspentapennyonhim.Thisisaverytoughsituationtobein.TheShyakhtoldthebrotherthereis‘adlandfadhlintermsofthelevelofjustice.Thefairnesshereisthatnomatterwhat,themanisstillhisfather.Andbecauseitwasthebrotherhimselfwhoreached

outtothefather,thebrothershouldthentakecareofthefather.Butfadhlistotakecareofhimbeyondfinancialsupport.Onceyoubecomeanadult,youneedtoreconcilewithyourfamilyasmuchasyoucanandmoveon.Youdonothavetohaveloveforthem,butatleasthavethatemotionalclosureandmoveonwithyourlife.Dealing with an abusive parent Whatifyourparentisveryaggressiveandyouhavebeenthroughphysicalabuse?Alotofpatienceisinvolvedhere.Onceyoubecomeanadultandbecomeconsciousofwhathappened,doyouhavetoreconcilewiththem?Thatisuptoyou.Thereisnoobligationhere.Remember,youdonothavetolovethem,butyouarestillresponsibletohavebirr’l-walidayn.Notbecausetheydeserveit,butbecauseyoudeservetodotherightthinganditisacommanduponyou.IfsomeonedisobeyedAllah inthewaytheytreatyou,donotrespondtotheminawaythatshowsdisobediencetoAllah.ObeyAllahatalltimes.Whatiftheabusewassexualabuse?SomepeoplethinkthisdoesnothappenintheMuslimcommunity,butitdoes.Ithappensmorethanweexpect.Sometimesitisthefather,sometimesitissomeoneelseinthefamily,butitdoeshappenanditisascarysituation.Whatifthegirlgrowsupandrealizesthatshewassexuallyabusedbyherownparent?Shouldshereportthemandbringittothelawenforcement?Thatisuptoher.Shecanseekjustice,butthereisalsofadhl(whichisholdingyouranger,forgiving,forgettingandmovingon).Sheisnotobligatedtohavefadhlonherparent.Ifshewantstoseekjustice,shehasallthemeansintheIslamicsystemtodoso.However,rememberthatseekingjusticeisnotgoingtobringpeace.Whatthevictimsaremostbotheredbyisthefeelingthattheyhavebeenwrongedandthattheperpetratorisgettingawaywithit.ButthereistheDayofJudgmentandtheHereafter,soevenifshedoesnotseekjusticeinthisworld,shecanstandinfrontofAllahandaskforherrightsthere.Thisissomethingthatshouldgivethevictimasenseofreliefandhelpovercomethisdifficultyinthedunyaandmovingon.Ifyoudodecidetoseekjustice,youhaveallthehaqqandtherighttodoso.Parents Forcing Marriage with Someone Doyouhavetoobeyeverycommandofyourparents?Whatiftheyaretryingtoforceyoutomarryaparticularperson?Youdonothavetoobeythem.Whatiftheystartguilttrippingyouorstartmakingduaagainstyou?Thisiscalled‘adl(theabusiveuseofpower).‘AdlismentionedintheQuranmultipletimes.AllahisTheJust,Hedidnotallowthefathertoforcehisdaughtertomarrysomeone.

CHAPTER FOURChildren - The Adornment

of Life

CHAPTER 4: CHILDREN, THE ADORNMENT OF LIFE

RAISING CHILDREN IN A CHALLENGING TIME THEGREATBLESSINGOFHAVINGCHILDRENHaving children is a privilege, not a right AlotofpeoplestartdoubtingtheqadrandhikmahofAllah iftheyarehavingtroubleconceivingchildren.IfAllahhasblessedyouwithchildren,thenyouareprivileged.Therearepeoplewhohavebeentryingfor3-5yearsandstilldonothavekids.Thisrequiresalotofpatience.NoonehastherighttoquestionAllah’swisdom.

“ToAllahbelongsthedominionoftheheavensandtheearth;HecreateswhatHewills.HegivestowhomHewillsfemale[children],andHegivestowhomHewillsmales.OrHemakesthem[both]malesandfemales,andHerenderswhomHewillsbarren.Indeed,HeisKnowing

andCompetent.”Surahal-Shu’ara,42:49-50Allahisthemostknowledgeableandcompetent,notrandomorarbitrary.EverythingthatoccursispartofHis‘ilm,power,andwisdom.Ifsomeonehasbothboysandgirls,itisani’amaandatest.Itisani’amaandatestalsotohaveeitherallboysorallgirls.Partoftheni’amaofhavingdaughtersisifyouraisethemandtakecareofthemuntiltheygrowold,theycanbeashieldfromJahannamforyou,soalwaysbeoptimistic.Children are the pleasure of this world

“Wealthandchildrenare[but]adornmentoftheworldlylife.Buttheenduringgooddeedsare

bettertoyourLordforrewardandbetterfor[one’s]hope.”Surahal-Kahf,18:46

Regardlessofhowmuchparentsmayfeelannoyedbythis,theymustrealizethatwealthandchildrenareanadornmentofthisworld.Youcannothaveitall,youmustenjoyonestepatatime.Manypeoplelivetheirlivesjustforthis,alltheirmoneyandalltheirhardworkistoraiseafamily.Intheprocessofraisingafamily,peoplecansometimeslosefocusonthepurposeoflife.

Children are legacy for the akhirah TheProphet said“WhenthesonofAdampassesaway,hisactionsarecloseddownexceptforthree:acontinuousformofcharity,somethingofknowledgebywhichothersbenefitfrom

orarighteouschildwhopraysforhim.”Muslim

TheProphet saidwhensomeonepassesaway,theirgooddeedscometoanendexceptforthree.Oneofthemisarighteouschildwhowillmakeduafortheirparent.Severalahadithmentionwhenparentshaveayoungchildwhopassesaway,thatchildwilltaketheparentstoJannahontheDayofJudgement.Soyourchildrencanbeyourusherstoal-Jannah.They are the comfort of the eyes

“…thosewhopray,‘OurLord,giveusjoyinourspousesandoffspring.Makeusgoodexamples

tothosewhoareawareofYou.”Surahal-Furqan,25:74

Childrenbecometheadornmentofthisdunya,andthecoolnessoftheeyesandtheheart.However,isthatalwaysthecase?Thereisnoguarantee.Whenyouhavechildren,havethematyourownrisk.Youareonlyresponsibletodoyourpart.TheexampleofthisforusisNuh .Hedidda’wahtohissonfor950years,thelongestparentingyoucanthinkof.Yethischildwasnotacomfortforhiseyesorheart.Thatdoesnotmeanhefailedasafather,itmeansitwasthesonwhofailed.EverythingisintheHandsofAllah .Youareonlyresponsiblefortheeffort,butAllahdecidestheresult.CHILDRENAREAMANAH

“OhBelievers,guardyourselvesandyourfamiliesagainstaFirefueledbypeopleandstones,overwhichstandangels,sternandstrong;angleswhoneverdisobeyAllah’scommandsto

them,butdoastheyareordered.”Surahal-Tahrim,66:6

Understandthatonceyouhavekids,youhavesignedacontractwithAllahtoberesponsibleforthem.Alotofparentsmakethebabysitters,grandparents,in-laws,daycare,Sundayschool,Islamicschoolandeverybodyelseresponsiblefortheirchildren,butnotthemselves.Onceyousignthatcontract,thereisnoescape.Youaretheprimaryprotectorandguardianofyourownchildren.“Allofyouareshepherdsandeachofyouisresponsibleforhisflock.Theleaderofapeopleisashepherdandheisresponsibleforhisflock.Amanisashepherdforthepeopleofhishouseandheisresponsibleforthem.Awomanisashepherdofthehouseofherhusbandandhischildrenandsheisresponsibleforthem.Aservantisashepherdforthewealthofhismasterandheisresponsibleforit.Soindeed,eachoneofyouisashepherdandeachisresponsiblefor

hisflock.”[BukhariandMuslim]Thishadithshowsthatleadershipisveryimportantforparenting.TheProphet saidyouareshepherds.Whywouldheusetheshepherdasananalogybetweenleadershipandbeingashepherd?

• Theshepherdalwayslooksatthingsfromadifferentlevelthanthesheep(thesheepalwayslookdownwhiletheshepherdlooksupandforward)

• Theshepherdmustbegentlewithhisflock,sheeparefragile• Eachsheephasadifferentpersonality• Theshepherdmustbepatientwithhisflock.Thesheepdonotalwayslisten.And

sometimesasheepgetssick,sotheshepherdmustcarryitoverhisshoulders• Ashepherdprotectshisflockfromwolves.Youasaparentareresponsibletomake

sureyourkidsareprotectedfromalltheelementsaroundthem.Ofcourse,whenyourkidsgetolder,youmustlearntoletgoofthemslowly

• Ashepherdmustkeephisflocktogether,becausetheytendtogotodifferentplaces• Ashepherdisresponsibleforthewellbeingofhisflock,makingsuretheyeat

properlyTherearetwokindsofleaderships,leadershipfrombehindandleadershipfromthefront.Leadershipfrombehindiswhenyoupusheveryoneinfrontofyou.Yousteerthemasyouseewheretheyaregoing.Howisitthatashepherdwalksinfrontandhashisflockfollowhim?Theshepherdmakescertainsoundsthroughsingingorchantingandthesheepbegintofollow.Therefore,youmustcreatesomesenseofharmonyinyourfamily,sothatwhenyousaysomething,theyfollow.Alotofparentsdonotcreateasenseofsynchronyinthefamily.Thechildrenaregoingonewaywhiletheparentsaregoinganotherway.Becausetheparentsaretoobusy,thechildrenaregrowingupwatchingTV,iPadandiPhone.Asaresult,whenitistimeforreapingthebenefitsofraisingchildren,yourkidshavealreadytakenadivergentpathandthatiswhenconflictsoccurbetweenparentsandtheirchildren.

BOYSVS.GIRLSAnd the male is not like the female

Butwhenshedeliveredher,shesaid,"MyLord,Ihavedeliveredafemale."AndAllahwasmostknowingofwhatshedelivered,"Andthemaleisnotlikethefemale.AndIhavenamedherMary,andIseekrefugeforherinYouand[for]herdescendantsfromSatan,theexpelled

[fromthemercyofAllah]."SurahAle-Imran,3:36

Thereisatechnicalissueinthisayah.Whosaid“Andthemaleisnotlikethefemale?”ArethesethewordsofAllah orisAllahquotingthewordsofthemotherofMaryam?SomescholarssaythatAllahisquotingthemotherofMaryam,otherssayitisAllah’sstatementcommentingonwhatMaryamsaid.Eitherway,ifitisAllahcommentingonherstatement,thatisaveryclearcommandfromAllah.AndifitisAllahquotingher,thefactthatAllahquotedthemotherofMaryamanddidnotmentionanyobjectionsafterwardsmeansitisanendorsement.Soitistruethatthemaleandthefemalearenotthesame.Ifthisisthecase,thenhowshoulditbetreated?Itisnotaboutsuperiority.ItisamatterofAllahsayingthefactthatmenandwomenwerecreateduniquely,theyserveuniquepurposesinthislifetocompleteoneanother.TheProphet saidwomenarethecounterpartsofmen.Alotofpeopletakethisayahandquoteitoutofcontexttosaythatitisaboutsuperiority.Itisnotaboutsuperiority;itisamatterofdifference.Whyisitsoimportantinthiscontext?BaniIsraelhad12branchesandoneofthemwasresponsibleforclergyandreligiousservices.Itwasonlymenwhoservedinthetempleintheirtradition.ThemotherofMaryamwantedtovowthatifAllahgaveherason,shewouldgivehimtothetempletoserveHim.However,Allahgaveheragirl,andHeknewwhatshedelivered.ScholarsunderstoodfromthisthatAllahknewwhathersupplicationwasandHegaveheragirlonpurpose.Sheaskedforaspecialboy,andAllahtaughtheralessonthattohaveaspecialboy,theremustbeaspecialmothertocarryhim.Allahgaveheraspecialmothertocarryaspecialboy.

“And[mention]whentheangelssaid,"OMary,indeedAllahhaschosenyouandpurifiedyou

andchosenyouabovethewomenoftheworlds.”SurahAle-Imran,3:42

AllahspeaksveryhighlyofMaryam.Hechoseher,preferredherandelevatedherstatusamongallwomenoftheworld.ThatisMaryam,themotherofIsa .NowomanevercreatedthroughoutthehistoryofmankindwillmatchthestatusofMaryam.The blessing of having girls 'Uqbaibn'AmirreportedthatheheardtheMessengerofAllahsay,"Ifsomeonehasthreedaughtersandispatientwiththemandclothesthemfromhiswealth,theywillbeashield

againsttheFireforhim."[IbnMajah]Whoeverhasthreegirlsandtakescareofthemfromhiswealth,theywillbeashieldforhimfromJahannam.Thereisnohadithlikethisforraisingboys.Theonlywayboyscanbeashieldisiftheypassawayintheparent’slifetime.TheMessengerofAllahsaid,"AnyMuslimwholosesthreechildrenbeforetheyreachtheage

ofmaturity,willbegrantedJannahbyAllah,theExalted,outofHisMercyforthem."[BukhariandMuslim]

TheProphet saidwhoeverlosesthreechildrenandthentheyshowpatience,theirchildrenwillbetheirticketintoJannah.Inanothernarration,awomanstoodupandaskedtheProphet,“Howabouttwokids?”Hesaid,“Andtwokids.”AbuHurayrah wasnarratingthisstoryandhesaid,“Evenifyouhadaskedforone,he wouldhavesaidthesamething.”THEDEALINGSWITHGIRLSBEFOREISLAMFeeling the shame

“Andwhenoneofthemisinformedof[thebirthof]afemale,hisfacebecomesdark,andhesuppressesgrief.Hehideshimselffromthepeoplebecauseoftheillofwhichhehasbeeninformed.Shouldhekeepitinhumiliationorburyitintheground?Unquestionably,evilis

whattheydecide.”Surahal-Nahl,16:58-59TheArabsbeforeIslamusedtohaveafeelingofshamewhenevertheyhadadaughter.Allahsaysinsurahal-Nahl,wheneversomeonewasgiventhenewsthattheyhadagirl,theirfacewouldturndark.Theywouldgetangryandupsetandhidethemselvesfromthepeople.Theywoulddebatewhethertheyshouldburyherinthedirtorkeepher.Unfortunately,thisconceptofshameofgirlvs.boyisstillpresentintoday’sculture,thoughnottotheextentofthepeopleatthattime.Thatiswhythesedays,whenitcomestogirls,peoplearemuchmoreprotective,whereasboyscangotohookahbars.ThatiswhyintheArabculturetodaythewomenareverywelleducatedwhiletheguysarenotatthesamelevel.Parentsletguyslivetheirlivesandexpectthemtomatureandbecome“men”later.Thisdualstandardistherepresentationofthiscultureofshame.Financial burden

“Anddonotkillyourchildrenforfearofpoverty.Weprovideforthemandforyou.Indeed,

theirkillingiseveragreatsin.”Surahal-Isra,17:31TheArabsbeforeIslamwouldlookatgirlsasafinancialburden.Whenboyswouldbecomeacertainage,theywouldfight,theywouldassist,theywouldgoouttothepasturewiththeanimals,theyprovidedincomeforthefamilyandthecommunity.Allahwarnsinsurahal-Isratonotkillchildrenoutoffearofpoverty.Allahhasguaranteedtoprovideforthechildrenandforyou.Eventoday,alotofpeoplethinkofdaughtersasafinancialburden.Traditionally,whenitcomestomarriage,thebride’sfamilyisresponsibleforthedowry.Itisasiftheirfamilylivestheirlifetobringinenoughmoneysothattheycanconvincethegroom’sfamilytotaketheirdaughterfromthem.AlthoughIslamicallyspeaking,itisthemanwhoissupposedtoprovidethemahr.Burying them alive

“Andwhenthefemaleinfantburiedaliveisquestioned:forwhatsinwasshekilled?”

Surahal-Takwir,81:8-9

OntheDayofJudgment,theinfantgirlwillbeaskedwhyshewaskilledandthereisobviouslynoreasonforthatwhatsoever.Today,thispracticeisstillpresentinaway.Whenaladydiscoversthatsheispregnantandthatitismostlikelyafemale,shewillstartmakingexcusestolegitimizeabortion.Thisisnotlimitedtogirls.Alotofwives,whentheyareoverwhelmedandsatisfiedwiththenumberofkidstheyhave,theywillconsiderabortionofasurprisepregnancytocontinuetheircareerseventhoughtheyarehealthyenoughtohaveababy.

THEETIQUETTEOFANEWBORNTherearecertainetiquettestobeobservedbyMuslimstoensuretherightbeginningfortheirchildren.ManyoftheseetiquettescanbefoundinasinglebookwrittenbyImamIbnal-Qayyimcalled“TuhfatulMawdudbiAhkamal-Mawlud:AGifttotheLovedOneRegardingtheRulingsoftheNewborn.”Hewrotethisbookforhisson-in-lawanddaughterwhentheywerehavingtheirfirstchild.Isitallowedforthehusbandtobetherewiththewifeduringdelivery?Yes,heshouldbethereforprivacy,protectionandmostimportantlyforemotionalsupport.Adviceforthehusband:Whenyougowithyourwifeintothedeliveryroom,donottakeanythingpersonally.Thewifewillbeyellingatyou,butshedoesnotmeanitanditisonlythepainspeaking.Tahnik and Naming the child AbuMusasaid,“Ihadababyboy,andIbroughthimtotheProphet.HenamedhimIbrahim,didtahnikwithsomedatesandprayedforAllahtoblesshim,andthenhegavehimbackto

me.”[Bukhari]Themomentthechildisborn,thereisthesunnahoftahnikandnamingthechild.Thenursewilltakethebabyawayafterdeliverytoweighhim/her.Afterthebabyisgivenbacktoyou,putthebabyonhis/herchestandgivetheadhaan.Theadhaancanbecalledbyeitherthefatherorthemother.Thepointisforthechildtoheartheadhaan.TheadhaaninthiscontextisareminderthatthisisthebeginningoftheirlifeandtheyaretheservantofAllah.Theadhaanshouldbegivenintherightearifpossible.Thereisnoneedfortheiqamasincemostofthenarrationsoncallingtheiqamaforanewbornareweak.Theadhaanforthenewbornshouldnotbeloud,whisperingitissufficient.

AftertheadhaanistheSunnahoftahnik.Theword“tahnik”comesfromtheArabicword“hanak”meaning“roofofthemouth.”Thetraditionistorubtheroofofthemouthofthechildwithsomethingsweet(mainlydatejuice).Grabadate,chewityourself,takesomeofthejuiceoutwithyourfingerandrubitontheroofofthebaby’smouthandthebabywillstartsuckingonit.Thatdoesnotmeanthatyoushouldgivethebabyawholedate.Theydidnothavemedicationsbackthen,sotheystimulatedthebaby’simmunesystemthroughtheforeignparticlerightaway.Itdoesnothavetobedates;datesarejustwhatthepeoplehadbackthen.Isitmandatory?No,butitisSunnahanditisgoodtofollowtheexampleoftheProphet .Whoisresponsiblefornamingthechild?Islamically,thereisnoindicationtowhoisresponsible,buttheparentsthemselveshavethefirstright.Parentsshouldmutuallyagreeonaname,butiftheycan’t,don’tmakeitabattlefield.Atthesametime,itispermissibleifparentstaketurnsnamingtheirchildren.Theparentscanchoosewhatevernametheywantfortheirchild,aslongasithasagoodmeaning.ItdoesnothavetobeAbdullah,orAbdurRahman.Keepinmindthatoneday,yourchildwillaskyouwhyyougavethemtheirspecificname;somakesuretochoosetheirnamewisely.TheonlyrestrictionsonnamingthechildisthatitcannotbeanameattributedtoonlyAllah oranyspiritualbeings,suchasthenamesofangels.Inaddition,itdoesnothavetobeanArabicname.BemindfulofgivingyourchildanArabicnameifithasanalternativemeaninginyourcultureorwillbemisunderstoodorpronouncedimproperly.Furthermore,youcanchooseanamefromtheQur’an,butdon’tblindlypickanywordthatismentioned,forexample,Firaun.IfyouchoosetopickanamefromtheQuran,makesureithasgoodmeaning.

Aqiqah TheProphet said,“Whoeverwishestoperformasacrificeontheoccasionofanewborn,thenheshouldsacrificetwosheepforhissonandoneforhisdaughter.”

[al-Nasā’i]ItisaSunnahoftheProphet ,butnotmandatory.Thereisnosolidscholarlyinterpretationofwhyoneshouldsacrificetwosheepforasonversusoneforadaughter.ThesamerulesofQurbaniapplywhilesacrificingtheanimal.However,youcandowhateveryouwantwiththemeat,butitisbettertocelebratebysharingitwithyourfamilyandfriends.ItisallowedtosendtheAqiqahoverseas,butitisbettertocelebratethebirthofyourchildwiththoseinyourcommunityandyourmasjid.Shaving the Child’s Head Regardlessofthebaby’sgender,itisSunnahtoshavetheirhead.DuringthetimeoftheProphetMuhammad ,hesuggestedshavingthechild’sheadandgivingtheweightofthehairinsilver,whenthatamountwassignificant.Today,youcangiveanyamountofcharitytoacauseofyourchoice,butitisnotmandatory.Anyonecanshavethechild’shead.Circumcision ThiswastheSunnahofProphetIbrahim ,beforetheProphet .Accordingtotradition,Ibrahim wasfirstpersontopracticethisandwaspasseddowntohisoffspring.Thus,circumcisionisalsopresentinJewishtradition.Forboys,itshouldbedoneassoonaspossibleanddoesnothavetobeperformedbyaMuslim.Itcanbedoneinthehospitalitself.Forgirls,itwasnotdoneatthetimeoftheProphetMuhammad andisnotmandatory.Thepracticeoffemalecircumcision,al-khifa,actuallyoriginatedinAfrica.SomepeopleintheAfricanculture,bothMuslimandnon-Muslimstilldothistodayasapartofthetradition.But,intheUnitedStates,itisillegalandconsideredmutilation.Ifsomethingisnotmandatoryandisagainstthelawofthecountry,weneedtoabidebythelawsoftheland.Weaning of the Child InIslam,nursingisveryinterestingbecauseitisaverypowerfulprinciple.Thehusbandandthewifecannotstopnursingthechildunlesstheybothagreeonwhentostop.Ifthehusbandandwifedisagreeonwhentostopnursing,themotherhastonurseforthefullterminIslam,2yearsafterbirth,andthenthemothercanstopnursingifshechoosesto.Forexample,ifthehusbandsaystostopnursingafter6months,thewifehastherighttocontinueifshewantsto.Similarly,ifthewifewantstostop,buthusbandwantshertocontinuenursing,shemustcontinueuntilthe2-yearmark.

Allah saysinSurahal-Baqarah:

“Motherssuckletheirchildrenfortwowholeyears,iftheywishtocompletetheterm,and

clothingandmaintenancemustbebornebythefatherinafairmanner.”Surahal-Baqarah,2:233

Ifthemotherwantstowork,shecanpumpthemilkandkeepitinthefridge.Ifthehusbandandwifeagree,themothercanstopnursingbeforethe2-yearperiod.Itisnotmandatorytonursethefull2years.Ontheotherhand,ifthemotherwantstocontinuenursingafterthechildhasreached2yearsofage,shecancontinuedoingso. CHILDRENANDEDUCATION‘Amrb.Sa’Idal-‘Assaid,

“Aparentnevergiftedanythingtotheirchildgreaterthangoodadab.”

Parentsareresponsibleforthechild’seducation.Theprimaryplacefortheirtarbiyyahisathome,andboththemotherandfatherneedtotakeresponsibilityinteachingthem.Traditionallyinthepast,thefatheristhebreadwinnerandthemothertakescareofthehousehold.Hence,themotheristheonewhocarriedthecultureandtradition,andwasthesourceoftarbiyyah.ImamAhmadrecallshowhismotherwouldtakehimtothemasjidforfajrwhenhewasachild.Astheywouldwalktothemasjid,shewouldholdhishandwhilehewasstillwipingawaythefatiguefromhisface.Whenhestartedattendingclassesinthemasjid,hismothertoldhim“Listenmyson.Learnfrom[yourteacher’s]manners.Observeandlearnfromhismannersbeforeyoutakefromhisknowledge.”Today,thereisaculturalshift.Womenhavejobsandcareers,sothemotherisn’tnecessarilytheprimarycarrierofIslamictraditionanymore.So,alotofparentstodayliketodelegateIslamiceducationandtheteachingoftarbiyyahtosomeoneelse.Thisbegsthequestion:whichschoolsystemisbest?

PublicSchool IslamicSchool HomeSchool

-Lotsofopportunities-Learnhowtodealwithdiversity,intermsofrace,background,andthought-Abundantresources-Practicefortherealworld

-Islamiceducationalongsidegeneraleducation-Saferenvironmentthanpublicschools-StrongIslamicfoundation

-Nopeerpressure-Childcanlearnattheirownpace-Highlyindividualized-Cantailorchild’seducationtotheirstrengthsandweaknesses-Kidslearnfromgoodrolemodels

-Lotsofdangers-Manytemptations-Constantculturalshifts-Childreneasilyinfluencedbypeerpressure-LittletonoIslamiceducationwithintheschoolenvironment

-Feesandtuitionareveryhigh-Islamicschoolsdon’thaveagoodbusinessplantosustaintheschool-NotmanypeoplearewillingtoinvestintomakingqualityIslamicschools-Parentstakeadvantageofthecomfortableenvironment

-Nosocialaspect-Lotsofpressureontheparentsandcancausefitnahbetweenhusbandandwife-Manydistractions-Nostructuredsystem

Sowhichoneisbest?Attheendoftheday,theschoolsystemdoesn’tmatterasmuchashowmucheffortyouasaparentsputintoyourkidsandyourchild’seducation.Gotoschoolmeetings,beapartoftheschool,volunteerforevents,chaperoneforfieldtrips,etc.Ultimately,theparentsareresponsibleforteachingtheirchildrenaboutIslamicmoralsandvalues,andteachingthemmanners.Nooneelsecandothatforyou. CHILDRENANDDISCIPLINETheMessengerofAllah(sallallahu‘alayhiwasallam)said,“Instructyourchildrentopraywhentheyareseven,andspankthem(iftheydon’tpray)whentheyareten.Andseparate

themfromeachotherintheirbeds.”[AbuDawud,495]

Itisimportantthatwetakeanactiveroleinparenting.Instructyourchildren.Don’tbeapassiveparentandletsomeoneelsedotheparentingforyou.Whenyourchildrenarestillundertheageof7,youcanhavefunwiththemandbelenient.Don’tbetoostrictonyourchildrenorworrytoomuch.Teachthemtheessentialskillsandenjoyyourtimewiththem.However,theyshouldknowhowtoperformsalah,sothatbythetimetheyturn7yearsofage,theyarereadytostartprayingregularly.Whenthechildreaches10yearsofageandisnotprayingregularly,youmayhityourchildrenforthesakeofdiscipline,notfortortureorabuse.Thishadithdoesnotadvocateordefendabusingchildren.NoparenthastherighttotorturetheirchildandjustifyitbysayingtheProphet saiditwasokay.Thishadithisshowingthecorrectwayof

discipliningchildreninIslam.Evenfordiscipline,hittingthefaceisnotallowed,andthespankingshouldnotleavemarks.Atthesametime,itisimportanttomakesurethatprayer,oranyotheractofibadah,isneveranactofpunishment.Forexample,ifachildisplayingvideogamesandhasn'tprayedyet,ifthereisenoughtimeleftforsalah,letyourchildfinishtheirgame.Theparentshouldnotyellandtellthemto“turnoffthegameandgopray!”Thechildwillsubconsciouslylinkprayeraspunishment.Iftheparentgentlyallowstheirchildtoprayaftertheyhavefinishedtheirgame,thenexttime,thechildknowstopraybeforetheystartthegamesotheywon’tgetinterrupted.Discipliningchildrenisadelicatebalance,sowemustbecarefultomakesurethatwearenotdiscouragingfromactsofibadah,byusingthemasformsofpunishment.Similarly,weshouldnotrewardchildrenfortheirresponsibilitiesorduties.Rewardingchildrenfordoingtheirchorescanbedetrimental.Ifitistheirdutytobeginwith,theyshouldnotberewardedforfulfillingtheirobligations.Likewise,childrenshouldnotbegiven20minutesextraTVtimeorvideogametimeetc.,asarewardforprayingEntertainment with your Children Thebestentertainmentforyourchildreniswhenyouspendtimewiththem!Alotofparentsstruggletofindtimefortheirfamilyduetotheirbusyworkschedule.But,youhavetomakesurethatyouaremakingalifewhilstmakingaliving.Adjustmentsneedtobetakentomakesureyouhavetimeforyourkids.EventheProphetMuhammad foundtimetoplaywithhisgrandkidsandspendtimewithhiskids.Childrendon’tunderstandthatyouareworkingtoprovideforthem.Alltheyseeisthatyou’reaway.Whilechoosingactivities,makesureitisaccommodatingforvariousages,sothatallofyourkidshaveagoodexperience.Sometimes,sinceparentsspendsomuchmoneyonthe“perfectvacation”fortheirkids,theyendupbeingveryrigidsothattheysticktothescheduleandgetthemostoftheirmoney.But,avacationissupposedtoberelaxingandlaidback!Parentshavetobeabitspontaneousandgowiththeflow.Attheendoftheday,it’snotaboutthemoney;it’sabouttheexperience.ESSENTIALPARENTINGSKILLS

1. Loveandrespecttheirotherparent.• Formen,lovetheirmother.Forladies,respecttheirfather.• Kidsneedtoseetheirparentsbeingkind,loving,andrespectfultowardsone

another.2. Kidslearnmorefromyouractionsthanyourwords.

• Itdoesn’tmatterwhatyoutellthem,theywillalwayslooktoseewhatyoudofirst.

• Bethepersonthatyouwantyourkidstobe,insteadofjustexpectingthemtodoitontheirown.

Ø Example:Ifyouwantyourdaughtertowearhijab,makesureyouwearhijabfirst.

3. Tellyourkidsyoulovethem.Theyneedtohearitfromyou.• Insomecultures,itishardfortraditionalparentstoverballyexpresstheir

love.• Kidsneedtohearitfrequently.Ifyouloveyourchildren,tellthem.• Nomatterhowmuchyoudoforthem,ifyoudon’tsay,“Iloveyou”,they

won’tfeelit.4. Observeeachchild’sspecificneeds.Parentingisnot“onesizefitsall”.

• Asparents,weneedtounderstandtheneedsofourchildren,andprovidethekindofloveandcarebasedonthosedifferences.

• Birthorderandpersonalityaffectsthenatureofeachchild,sodealwitheachoneaccordingly.

• *Note:Ifyouhaveachildwhotrulydoeshaveaspecialneed,makesureitisnotattheexpenseoftheotherchildren.Allchildrenneedloveandattention.

5. LinkyourchildrentoAllah .• TeachandreadthemthestoryofLuqman .• IfyouinstillaloveforAllah fromayoungage,theywillhaveastrong

Islamicfoundationfortherestoftheirlives.6. Allowyourchildrentoexpresstheirfeelingsandpain.

• It’sokayforyourkids,especiallyyourboys,tocry.• Theyneedtoexpresstheirtruefeelings.Iftheycan’tcometoyou,whoelse

cantheygoto?• Thisgenerationrequiresalotofemotionalmaintenance.

7. Thereisnoperfectchildandnoperfectparent.• Parentingisalearningcurve.• It’snotyourjobtoraiseaperfectorahappychild,onlyaresponsibleone.

8. Beaconfidentparent.• Kidscanmanipulateyourweaknesses.• Don’tbeyourchild’sfriend.Beaparent.Friendswilltellthemwhatthey

wanttohear,butparentswilltellthemwhattheyneedtohear.9. Youandyourspouseneedtoworkasateam.

• Ifyoustartmakingdecisionsindependentlyofyourspouse,youunderminetheirauthorityinfrontofthechildren.

10. Parentsneedtolearntoletgo.• Atsomepoint,yourkidswillgrowup.Whentheydo,they’rejustgrowingup,

notgrowingaway.• Donotbecomeattachedandclingy.Thiswillslowdowntheprocessofthem

becomingsuccessfuladults.

FOURSTYLESOFPARENTING

HighDemand LowDemand

HighResponsiveness Authoritative Permissive

LowResponsiveness Authoritarian Neglectful

Demand:disciplineResponsiveness:emotionalaspect

1. Authoritative• Highresponsiveness,highdemand.• Theycarehighlyforthechildren,buttheyalsohaveorderandsetrules.

o “AsmuchasIloveyou,Ihavetoputrules”&“IputrulesbecauseIloveyou.”

• *Bestparentingstyle

2. Authoritarian• Lowresponsiveness,highdemand.• Lowcompassionforchildren,butlotsofrules.• “BecauseIsaidso.”

3. Permissive

• Highresponsiveness,lowdemand.• Lotsofcompassionandemotion,butnotenoughrules.• Parentsareafraidtoputrulesandeasilygiveintochildren’sdemands.

4. Neglectful

• Lowdemand,lowresponsiveness.• Nocompassionandnorules.• Parentsdon’tcare.

Thebestparentingstyleisauthoritative.Theotherthreestylesarealltheworst,becauseeachofthemhasitsowndestructivecapacity.Whenparentsareafraid,kidscaneasilymanipulatethem.Whenparentsareextremelystrict,theycandestroythespiritoftheirkids.

CHILDRENANDTHEMESSENGEROFALLAH BecausetheProphetMuhammad receivedrevelationlateroninhislife,therearenotmanyaccountsofhowhedealtwithhisownchildren,untiltheybecameadults.TheProphetwasveryclosewithhisdaughterFatima ,andwhenevershecametovisitherfather,hewouldalwaysgetupforher.TheProphet usedtokissheronherforeheadandseatherrightnexttohim.Hewouldgiveherspecialattentionbywhisperingthingstoher,whileseatedinfrontofhiswives.HegaveherlotsofattentionanddearlylovedFatima;fromher,hebecamethegrandfatherofHassanandHussain.ThereisanotherbeautifulstoryoftheProphet andhiseldestdaughterZainab .DuringtheBattleofBadr,Zainab’shusbandwascapturedandshestillresidedinMakkah.TheProphetaskediftherewasanyransomtobegiventoreleasesomeoftheprisonersofwar,andZainabtookoffhernecklace,whichwasgiventoherbyhermother,Khadija ,andsentitasaransomforherhusband.Uponseeingthenecklace,theProphet recognizeditandhisheartmeltedforZainab.HetookpermissionfromthepeopletofreeZainab’shusbandwithoutransomandwhentheyagreed,hetoldherhusbandtopromisehimthatassoonashegottoMakkah,hewouldsendZainabtotheProphet inMadinah.Furthermore,whenZainabpassedaway,theProphet tookoffhisouterclothandwrappedherwithitsothatshewouldhaveanarticleofhisclothingtoprotectherandgiveherblessingsinhergrave.AsheburiedZainab,hestartedtocry.ThisshowsthedeeplovethattheProphet hadforhisdaughter.TheProphet usedtotakebreakfromassignments,andonce,duringameetingwithaleaderofabedouintribe,hestoppedatthehouseofFatima .Uponseeingtheirgrandfather,HassanandHusseincamerunning,TheProphet wouldgrabtheirhandsandhugandkissthem.Thebedouinleaderwasshockedtoseethis.Hesaid,“Ihave10boysandIhaveneverkissedanyofthem!”TheProphet said,“CanIputmercyinyourheartafterAllah hasremovedit?”

CHAPTER FIVEThe Extended Family

Chapter 5: The Extended Family What is Rahm?

Ar-rahmmeansthewomb,anditisusedtoexpressmeaningofkinshipintheArabiclanguage,becausethatishowkinshipisestablished.THEPEOPLEWHOCOUNTASARHAMAllahsaysinSurahal–Shu’ara’:

“Say(OhMuhammad),norewarddoIaskofyouforthisexcepttobekindtomeformy

kinshipwithyou.”Surahal-Shu’ara’,42:23Blood Relations Thosewhoareclosesttoyou,intermsofbloodties,areconsideredawliya,andhavemorerightuponyou.Forexample,whohasmorerightuponyou,youruncleoryourcousin?Intermsofrightsandobligations,youruncledoes,sinceheiscloserinkinshiptoyouthanyourcousin.But,intermsoffriendship,probablyyourcousin,sinceheiscloserinagetoyouthanyouruncle.Similarly,yoursiblingshavemorerightsonyouthantheirchildren(yourniecesandnephews).Youshouldstrivetohaveagoodrelationshipwithallyourfamilymembers.The In-Laws Unlessyourin-lawsareyourbloodrelationsbeforemarriage,in-lawsarenotconsideredtobebloodrelations.Theyarenotconsidered“rahm”.However,outofrespectforthefactthattheyarethebloodrelationsofyourspouse,youshouldtreatthemwithkindness.Eventhoughyoudon'thavetotreatyourmother-in-lawandfather-in-lawlikeyourownparents,youarestillobligatedtohaveagoodrelationshipwiththemsincetheyareolderthanyou.TheProphet said,“Heisnotatruebeliever;theonewhodoesn’tshowrespectto

olderonesandmercytoyoungerones.”Betweenahusbandandwife,oneofthemainissuesarisesbetweenthemother-in-lawandthedaughter-in-law.Intermsoftakingcareofhermother-in-lawandfather-in-law,itisnotthedaughter-in-law’sresponsibility.Itistheirson’sresponsibilitytotakecareofthem.However,mostpeopletodaycomefromsmallfamiliesandtheresponsibilityoftakingcareoftheparentsusuallyfallsononlyoneortwokids.Ifyou’regoingtogetmarried,youshouldknowwhatthefuturelookslike,andknowthatitislikelythatwhenyougetabit

older,youwillhavetotakecareofyourin-laws.Beaccommodatingandrespectfulofthismatterasitisanobligationuponyourspouse.Themainreasonforconflictbetweenthemother-in-lawanddaughter-in-lawisuncertainty.Thenatureofthemotheristoprotectherchildrenandmakesuretheyarefed,clothed,andwelltakencareof.Becauseofthis,itisnaturalforthemothertoconstantlyaskaboutthewell-beingofherson,which,oftentimes,thedaughter-in-lawtakesasapersonalattackagainstherself,implyingthathermother-in-lawdoesnotthinkhersonisbeingtakencareofbyhiswife.But,amotherisjustdoingwhatshehasalwaysdoneherwholelife:makingsurehersonisokay.ThiswasevenseenatthetimeoftheProphetMuhammad

.Once,whentheProphet wasolder,sometimeinhis50’s,hewenttothehouseofUmmAyman ,whowashismaternalaunt.Themomenthecamein,sheaskedhim,“Areyouhungry?Comeandhavesomethingtoeat.”TheProphet said,“I’mnothungry.”ButUmmAymaninsistedthattheProphetcomeandeatsomething,asitwasherinstincttocontinuecaringforsomeonewhowaslikeherson,evenwhenhewaswellintohis50’s.Itisjustthenatureofthemother,sothedaughter-in-lawshouldnottakeoffensetoit.Sowhatisthesolutiontomother-in-lawanddaughter-in-lawconflicts?Themanhimself,actually,canresolvethesituation.Mostguysmakethemistakeoftryingtomediatethingsandcontrolthesituation.Hefeelsobligedtoalleviatethesituationandstartsnegotiatingbetweenhismotherandhiswife.Instead,thebestthinghecandoisdealwiththemseparately.Loveyourmotherthewaysheneedstobeloved,andloveyourwifethewaysheneedstobeloved.Listentobothsides,butdon’treact,anddon’ttakesides.Stayneutral.Alltheywantisforsomeonetolistentothemandfeelliketheirfeelingsarebeingvalidated.Thesameconceptappliestoeveryoneastheydealwithothermembersoftheirimmediateandextendedfamily.Thecirclesmaychange,buttheconceptremainsthesame.Mostofthetime,thecirclesthemselvesaren’tstagnanteither.Whenonechanges,itcanshiftandchangeothercircles.Forexample,ifthesister-in-lawhasanargumentwiththedaughter-in-law,shemighttellhermother-in-law,sonow,boththemother-in-lawandsister-in-lawareupsetwiththedaughter-in-law.Learntobeemotionallyintelligent!Leadership,marketing,sales,andnegotiationsarekeytohandlingmost,ifnotall,relationships.

THEIMPORTANCEOFMAINTAININGTHETIESOFKINSHIPOntheauthorityofAbuAyyubal-Ansariwhosaid,“ABedouincametotheProphetwhilsthewasonajourneyandasked,‘TellmewhatwillbringmeneartotheGardenandkeepmeawayfromthefire.’Hereplied,‘WorshipAllahanddonotassociateanythingwithHim,establishtheprayer,paythealms-taxandmaintainthetiesofkinship.’”[al-Albani]

Thistellsusthatkeepingtiesofkinshipisassociatedwiththeothergreatactsofworshipmentionedinthehadith.Maintaininggoodrelationsalsoextendsourprovisionsandprolongsourtermoflife,asmentionedinanotherhadithbyBukhariandMuslim.THEMEANINGOFMAINTAININGTHETIESOFKINSHIPAlthoughitmaybedifficultsometimes,itisnecessarytomaintainthetiesofkinship.Whenothersaregoodtous,itiseasytobegoodtothem.But,whenothersarestillbadtous,weshouldstillbegoodtothem.AbuHurayrahnarratedthatamancametotheProphet andsaid,“OhMessengerofAllah(sallallahu‘alayhiwasallam),IhaverelativeswithwhomItrytokeepintouch,buttheycutmeoff.Itreatthemwell,buttheyabuseme;Iampatientandkindtowardsthem,buttheyinsultme.”TheProphetSAWsaid,“Ifyouareasyousay,thenitisasifyouareputtinghot

dustintheirmouths.Allah willcontinuetosupportyouaslongasyoucontinuetodothat.”[Muslim]

Here,theexpression“puttinghotdustintheirmouths”meansthatthismanwasbeingsonicetohisrelativesasifhewasrubbinghiskindnessintheirface.Welearnthenwhenourkinshipmightberudeordisrespectfultowardsus,weshouldcontinuedoingtherightthing.Allah willsendussupportfromtheangelsaslongaswemaintaingoodnesstowardsourrelatives.Weshouldbegoodbecausewedeservetobegood.Beingkindandrespectfultowardsothers,nomatterthecircumstance,shouldbeanessentialtraitofours.Howwetreatothersshouldnotdependonhowotherstreatus.Remember,attheendoftheday,ifwearemercifulandkindtowardsothers,Allah willbekindandmercifultowardsus.ThatishowtheProphet livedhislife.Withthatbeingsaid,humanbeingshavealimitedcapacity.Ifbeinginahostilesituationiscausingustoloseouriman,andlosefaithinhumanity,wehavetherighttotakeabreakfromdealingwithourrelatives.However,itisacase-by-casescenarioandonethatmustbediscussedwithaprofessionalscholar.

THEDANGERSOFSEVERINGTHETIESOFKINSHIPCuttingthetiesofkinshipcanleadtocorruptionwithinourfamiliesandourcommunitiesandwillbringAllah’swrathuponus.Insomecases,itmaybejustifiedtocuttieswithone’sfamily,buttheminimumcourtesiesmustbemaintained,likegivingthemSalamwhenyouseethemorcallingonspecialoccasions.Remember,youalwaysdeservetodowhatisright.

“Sowouldyouperhaps,ifyouturnedaway,causecorruptiononearthandseveryour[tiesof]relationship?Those[whodoso]aretheonesthatAllahhascursed,soHedeafenedthemand

blindedtheirvision.”SurahMuhammad,47:22-23

AbuBakrahreportedthattheProphet said,“ThereisnosinmorelikelytobringpunishmentinthisworldinadditiontowhatisstoredupintheHereafterthanoppression

andseveringtiesofkinship.”[AbuDawudandTirmidhi]

Jubayrb.Mut’amnarratedthattheMessengerofAllah said,“OnewhoseversthetiesofkinshipwillnotbeadmittedtoJannah.”[BukhariandMuslim]

CHAPTER SIXConclusion

Chapter 6: Conclusions Success Within the Family

THESUCCESSINTHISDUNYA

“Wealthandchildrenare[but]adornmentoftheworldlylife.Buttheenduringgooddeedsare

bettertoyourLordforrewardandbetterfor[one's]hope.”Surahal-Kahf,18:46

1. Enjoygoodcompanionshipofyourfamilyandchildreninthislife.• Remember,it’snotabouthavingthebiggesthouseorthenicestcar.It’sabout

theexperiencesandthetimeyouspendwiththem.Thatwillresonatethemostwiththem.

2. RaisethemfortherewardandtosucceedtheinHereafter• Raisingchildrenwithimanisasadaqajariyahforyou.

THESUCCESSINTHEHEREAFTERHowwillyouknowthatyouhavesucceededintheakhirah?Allah saysinSurahal-Tur:

“Andthosewhobelievedandwhosedescendantsfollowedtheminfaith-Wewilljoinwiththemtheirdescendants,andWewillnotdeprivethemofanythingoftheirdeeds.Every

person,forwhatheearned,isretained.”Surahal-Tur,52:21

THEDUAOFIBRAHIM

ThehouseholdofIbrahim isoneofthebestexamplesoffamilylifeforusintheQur’an.ThekeytohissuccesswasafoundationbaseduponthesubmissiontoAllah .Thatisthemostimportantthing.IfyouopposeAllah’srulesandlaws,youwillgettiredandexhausted.There’sonlysomuchyoucandoifyoukeepdisobeyingAllah.Conveniencedoes

notalwaysleadtohappiness.But,ifyoufollowtherulesthatAllahhassetforus,youwillalwaysfindpeaceandtranquility,evenifitgetshardsometimes.WhenIbrahim senthisfamilytothedesertuponAllah’scommand,hedidnotnegotiatewithAllah.Instead,heobeyed.Andasheleft,hemadeduaandaskedAllahtocareofhisfamily:

“MyLord,makemeanestablisherofprayer,and[many]frommydescendants.OurLord,and

acceptmysupplication.”SurahIbrahim,14:40Eventhough,itmightbetoughtohaveahouseholdlikethatofIbrahim,itisnotimpossible.Itwill,however,requirealotofwork,effort,spirituality,andtawakkulonAllah.WhenIbrahim madetheduaabove,scholarssayhedidn’thavechildrenyet,whichmeansthathewasalwaysmakingduaforhisfamilyandhischildren.Don’tonlymakeduaforyourchildrenwhenthingsgowrong.Alwaysmakelotsofduaforyourfamilyandyourchildren.

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