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QabeelatWasat ProtectThisHouseFebruary2017 ShaykhYaserBirjas
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IntheNameofAllah,theMostBeneficent,theMostMerciful
AllpraiseisduetoAllah theLordoftheuniverse.AndpeaceandblessingsbeuponHisbelovedMessengerMuhammad ,hisfamily,andhispiousfollowerswhofollowhisguidance.BythegraceandmercyofAllah ,wehavecompilednotesforShaykhYaserBirjas’class“ProtectThisHouse:TheMuslimFamilyInTheModernWorld”.ThesenotesarestudentnotespublishedbyQabeelatWasat.TheyhavenotbeenapprovedbyAlMaghribInstituteorShaykhYaserBirjas.Therefore,wecannotattesttothecompleteaccuracyofthismaterial.AnyIslamicrulingpertainingtoyourpersonalsituationneedstobediscussedwithyourlocalscholar.Thesenotesarebynomeansasubstituteforapersonalizedfatwa.AnybenefityouobtainfromthesenotesarefromAllah whileanyshortcomingsarefromourselves.PleasebeawarethatthesenoteshaveArabicversesofQur’an.Ifyouaretoprinttheseandthendisposeofthem,pleasedosoappropriately.JazakamAllahuKhairan.
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TABLE OF CONTENTS Topic PageIntroduction ProtectThisHouse 4FamilyisaLifelongExperienceofBelonging 5DysfunctionalFamily-Chicago 7DysfunctionalFamily-National 8WhatisAdab? 10Adabvs.Khuluq 11 Chapter1:HomeSweetHome DefinitionofFamily 15StructureofFamily 16TypesofFamilyStructure 17FreezingEggs 20WilayahofFatherwhoLefthisFamily 21VisionofaMuslimFamily 25FamilyDivinePrinciples 28ValuesofaMuslimFamily 32 Chapter2:TheLifeofaMuslimCouple TheEtiquetteofaHusbandandWife 43RightsandObligations 46ThreeKindsofMarriage 47RulesofaSuccessfulMarriage 48
FromtheLifeoftheMessengerofAllah 55
TheViciousCycleofConflict 59TheTrapofExpectation 62 Chapter3:Parents,TheGuardians Themeaningof“Birr’l-walidayn” 66TheSignificanceof“Birr’l-walidayn” 68ContemporaryIssuesinDealingwithParents 73 Chapter4:Children,TheAdornmentofLife TheGreatBlessingofHavingChildren 78ChildrenareAmanah 79Boysvs.Girls 81TheDealingswithGirlsBeforeIslam 82TheEtiquetteofaNewborn 84ChildrenandEducation 87ChildrenandDiscipline 89EssentialParentingSkills 90FourStylesofParenting 92 Chapter5:TheExtendedFamily ThePeoplewhocountasArham 95TheImportanceofMaintainingtheTiesofKinship 97TheDangersofSeveringtheTiesofKinship 98 Chapter6:Conclusion 100
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Introduction PROTECTTHISHOUSE“ProtectThisHouse”isthereasonwhyweareallhere.Ittakesarealmantobeafather,arealladytobeamother,andanentirecommunitytobuildafamily.Whenitcomestobuildingafamily,wehavetorealizeit’snotapart-timetrivialmatter.Itisnotahobby,norisitajob.It’salife-longexperience.It’saseriousmatter.ForShaykhYaserBirjas,“ProtectThisHouse”hasastory.Inhissecondseminar,hewaswonderingwhatkindoftopictheyshouldcover.Whatdopeopleaskquestionsaboutthemost?Henoticedalotofissuespertainingtofamilyandmarriage.MostoftheAlMaghribstudentsbackinthosedayswerecollegestudents.Therewas“FiqhofLove”,aspecialclassdesignedforthis.Itwasadoubleweekendseminar.Inthatclass,theydiscussedeverythingrelatedtofamilyandmarriage,love(haram,halal)—allaspectsoffiqhandpsychologyrelatedtothatmatter.Thenmanyofthosestudentsgothypedupandgotmarried,andafewyearslater,theycomebacktoShaykhYaser:wegotmarried,andnowweareintrouble!Theyasked,“Howdowekeepourmarriage?”Thewifehasissueswithherhusbandandviceversa,asking,“Howdowerevivethisrelationship?”Thentherewasasecondclasscalled“LoveNotes”,whichfocusedonwhatthehusbandandwifeneedtoknowinordertorekindleloveandrechargethosebeautifulemotions.Itincludedtipstosustaintherelationship,communication,andsoon.Itwasanamazingseminar.Thenafewyearslater,thosepeoplecamebacktoShaykhYaser,andcomplained,saying,“Nowwehavekids,andnowbecauseofthesekids,wehavealotofconflictbetweenhusbandandwife,parentsandchildren,childrenandparents,in-laws,siblings…Howarewegoingtomanagealltheseissues?”Therefore,wehavethis“ProtectThisHouse”class.Thisclassisaboutfamilylifeinthemodernworld.Thisclassisallabouttheearnestnessoflove.WelearnedfromIbnHazmin“LoveNotes”thattherearetwophasesoflove:jestingaboutloveandtheearnestnessoflove.Thisclasswillbeabouttheearnestnessoflove—thesecondphase.Peopleneedtounderstandthedifferencebetweenahouseandahome.
• House:abuilding,canevenbeatent• Home:everythingthatisinsidethathouse
Thisclassiscalled“ProtectThisHouse,”butweareactuallyreferringtoprotectingtheinnerstructureofthishouse.
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FAMILYMEMBERSHIPInregardstofamily,membershipismandatory.Onceyou’rebornintoafamily,thereisnoquitting.Youcannotquit—there’snosuchthingasanexpiredmembership.There’snosuchthingas“don’tcallme”,“don’tspeaktome”,“Idon’tknow”.Ifyouhavebloodrelations,youareconsideredrelated.Whatifyou’resour?Wewilltalkaboutit.Whatifmyparentsareabusive?Wewilldiscusstheseissuesbecausetheyareseriousmatters.Inafamily,acceptanceisabsolutelyunconditional.Butwhatifyoursondecidestotakeapathdifferentthantheoneyouchartedforhim?Youwantedhimtobereligiousandahafidh,buthechoseadifferentpath.Canyoucuthimoff?Youcanifyouwantto,butyouwouldneedtodealwiththisissuewisely.Whatifyourbrotherorsisterdoessomethingyoudisapproveofreligiouslyandculturally?Howdoyoumanagethesedifferences?Especiallyifthesechoicescanbetrulydangerousforourselves,children,andthewell-beingofiman.Wewilldiscussthis.Whenitcomestofamily,weneedtounderstandthatthenobilityofthefamilyisitsdiversity.Whatdoesthatmean?Someparentstrytocreateasystemofparentinglikeonesizefitsall.Theywantalltheirkidstobehuffadh,handsome/beautiful,straightAs,allathletic,etc.Butwhentheirkidsfitsomethingelse,havocwreaksandparentsstartfightingasmanyfitan(trials)arise.Weneedtoteachourselvesasparentsthatsometimes,thestrengthofourfamilycomesfromunderstandingitsdiversity.Thefamilyisdiverseinlevelofeducation,interestsinlife,emotionalintelligence,etc.Thisunitofdiversityissobeautifulandamazing.FAMILYISALIFELONGEXPERIENCEOFBELONGINGThereisnosuchthingasspendingafewyearsinthefamilyandthat’sit;evenwhenyougrowolder,youwillcomebacktothefamily.Thisconceptmainlymanifestsitselfintheyoungerones.Whentheybecometeenagers,theywanttoleavethehouseand“livelife”.Whenparentstrytoteachthemsomethingorencouragethemtospeakacertainlanguage,oreatcertainfood,theydon’twantto,andtheyrefuse.Thenmaybeat25or30yearsold,Theysuddenlystartspeakingthatlanguageandreturningtotheirtraditionalculture.Whathappened?Whenwesettledown,weliketodosoinacomfortableandfamiliarplace.Thatiswhatwelearnfromourhouses.Kidsmayrebel,buttheyreturnduetothislifelongexperienceofbelongingtoonefamilyandonegroupofpeople.Don’tcutthemoff.Whenitcomestofamilylife,itisasourceofstability.Oneofbiggestissuesisemotionalstability.Familyisagroupofpeopleyoucanleanonwhenthingsbecomedifficult.Besidesthat,financialsupportisimportantespeciallyasparentsgrowolderandweaker,andtheyareunabletosustaintheirlivelihood;theyexpecttheirchildrenwillbearoundtosupportthem.Olderonessupportyoungeronesandviceversa.Thereisasenseofstability.
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FAMILYSIZESARESHRINKINGNowadays,changesintheMuslimfamilyareactuallycausingsomanydifferentexperiences.Forexample,oneofbiggestchangescurrentlyisthedownsizingoffamily:from10kidstomaybe1or2kidsandapet.Familiesarebecomingsmaller.Weallthinkofitfromaneconomicperspective—don’twanttohavetoomanykids,tooexpensive,orbothparentsareworkingsoitwillbehardtohavetoomanykids.Thatchangehasarippleeffect,asthereareextremechangesinthefamily,includingemotionalchanges,financialchanges,andevenchangesinthemother-in-lawanddaughter-in-lawrelationship.Thereissomuchcompetitionoverfewerkids.
SHAREDSPACEINTHEFAMILYFamilyisanorganizedinstitutionofloveandresponsibility.Thesearesharedspaces.Forexample,parentscomplaintoShaykhYaseraboutsiblingsbickering.Howshouldtheydealwiththisissue?ShaykhYasertellsthemnottostopit,andaslongasthereisnoblood,it’sfine.Siblingsbickeringwitheachotherisactuallyapartofthesocialtrainingforkids;it’snotnecessarilythebesttraining,butitiswhatitis.Disappointmentandfrustrationarenegativeemotionsthatarereal,andtheywillhavetodealwiththisintheoutsideworld.Ifparentsalwayscometotherescuewhentheirkidsaredealingwithsomenegativefeelings,thenkidsneverdevelopthestamina,thethickskintodealwiththesesituationsinreallife.Slowlyandgradually,kidsneedtogrowandlearn.Asparents,weareresponsibletokeeporder.Thisisthesocialactoflearning.Kidsneedtotakecareofthemselves.Theylearnfromeachother.Youngeroneslearnfromolderones,andtheolderoneslearntotakecareofyoungerones.Afewmonthsago,ShaykhYaser’swifewentoverseas,andshetooktheir6-yearoldgirl.TheotherthreekidsstayedwithShaykhYaser.Ashedrovebackfromtheairport,he’sthinking,WhathaveIdonetomyself?Schoolisstillgoingon,etc.Themomenttheyenteredthehouse,theoldersonsaid,“Icalldishes.”Theotheronesaid,“Icalllaundry.”Othersaid,“Icallfloorandvacuum.”Hedidn’tevenaskforanyofthatstuff.Theyknowitisasharedspace.Theydidn’tnecessarilykeeptheirwordontheirown,butwithreminders,theydid.Assoonasmomcameback,everyonedroppedtheirassignments.Why?BecauseMamaishere!Butstill,theyarelearning.Thehomeisaninstitutionwherepeoplelearntoloveandrespect,andevenfrustrationanddisappointmentisalearningexperience.Asaparent,onehastomonitorandtakedirectionsandmaketherightdecisions.
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THEEXTENSIONOFHUMANITYWhenitcomestofamily,weneedtounderstandthatfamilyisnothingbuttheextensionofhumanity—manymenandwomen,differentages,andbackgrounds.It’simportantforallofustoensurewehaveahealthyextensionofthathumanity.Thereisaspecificattackonfamilyinthissociety,andanextremeliberalprogressiveagendathatredefiningfamilyandmarriage.AsMuslims,wecannotreallyopposethelawoftheland,butwehavetokeepourvaluesaswell.Whatdoesfamilymeantous?Whataboutthechangesthatarehappeningtoday?Thisclassisallaboutrelationships:parentsandchildren,childrenandparents,betweenchildrenthemselves,in-laws,extendedfamily,uncles,cousins,etc.Whenspouseshaveissuesbetweenthemselves,thechildrenbecomethe“battlefield,”asparentstrytokeeptheirkidsforthemselves.Instead,theyshouldbefocusedonthemainrelationshipthatmakeskidshappyi.e.therelationshipbetweenhusbandandwife.IN-CLASSACTIVITYWhatcausesafamilytobedysfunctional?Thisactivitywillshowustheproblemswehaveinourownfamiliesinthisspecificcommunity.Everycommunitybringssomecommonproblems,buteachcommunityisunique.Onecommunitysaysfinancialproblems(thiscommunitymaybefromalowersocioeconomicclass).Anothercommunitymaysayproblemswithcommunication(more“luxury”communities).Brothers:
1.) Lackofcommunication2.) Disrespect(culturalaspectsmayplayarole)3.) Finances,money,expenses
Sisters:
1.) Lackofcommunication2.) Taqwa,lackofspirituality,lackofrelationship
withAllah (theirhouseisemptyofspirituality;husbanddoesn’thelpwifeteachkidsQur’an,orhedoesn’twakeupforFajr)
3.) Culturaldifferences(whichmeninterprettomeandisrespect)Lackofcommunicationrankednumber1forbothmenandwomeninthisqabeelah.Culturedidn’tscoreonthetopfiveinmostqabeelahs,butitrankshereinChicago—Chicagoisaverydiversecommunity,butitisalsoverysegregatede.g.DesisintheNorth,ArabsintheSouth.Theremustbeactionitems.Mostofourmasaajidareveryactiveinoutreachprograms,buthowmanymasaajidintheareahavearegularclassoncommunication?Howmanymasaajidhavearegisteredfamilytherapist?Theseissuesareverycrucial,butwedon’tseemtobeveryactiveinpromotingsuchactivities.
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TheChicagocommunityneedstoaddresssomeissues:
1.) Stereotypes• Arabsvs.Desi,revertsvs.bornMuslim,immigrants,etc.
2.) Prejudice
• For example, feeling uncomfortable praying next to someone of a differentculture
• Potentialspousesandproposals,familymayfeeluncomfortablewithadifferentculture
3.) Discrimination• Ifyourcultureisjudgmental,itisaproblemwithyourculture
Just like the corporate world has cultural sensitivity, we too need to be inclusive as acommunity.TOP5REASONSFORADYSFUNCTIONALFAMILYIntheNationalCommunity,theserankedasthetop5forcausingfamilydiscord:
1.) Work• Beingbusypreventsapersonfromhavingqualitytimewiththefamily• Youdon’thavetoapologizeforwhatyouneedtodoe.g.workinglonghours• Butyouneedtocompensate,maybewakeupabitearliertohavebreakfastwith
yourfamilyorprayFajrtogether• Compensationforyour5amto5pmshift
2.) Communication• Dealsalotwithlackofcommunication• Italsocomesfrombeingtoobusyi.e.youdon’thavetimetocommunicate• Iffamilymembersdohavetime,theyhaveshortcircuitsandstartfighting• Yoursilencecanactuallybeaformofcommunication
o Somepeoplethinkthatifyoudon’ttalk,youdon’tfight.o Andwhentheydiscusstheirissues,theysay,“Well,Ididn’tsayanything.”o That’saproblem,becausesilencecanbenegativecommunication
3.) Societaldynamics
• Rolesofthewifeandhusbandarebeingredefinedduetomanyculturalchanges• Thisalsoimpactsfinances
4.) Media
• Everythinghastodowithmedia,especiallyvisual• Mediaportraysafalseimageoffamilylife• Ifyouwatchmoviesorreadbooks,yourealizeit’snotevenreal
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• Actorsliveanamazingfamilylifeinthemovies,butthesesameactorswishtheytrulyhadthatkindoflifewiththeiractualfamilies
• TheymayhaveahappymarriageinaTVprogram,butnotinreallife• Evendivorce is idealized inmovies; the couplehasadivorcebut theyare still
okaywitheachotherandthekidsgobetweenmomanddad• Itseemssoamazing,butit’snotreal
5.) Infidelity
• Cheatinghasbecomeagreatissuetodaybecauseittakesmultipleforms• Notmanypeopleperceivethesemethodsascheating• Thefirstthingthatcomestomindistheactualphysicalcheatingbetweenaman
andwoman;i.e.zina/adultery• Butwithsocialmedia,itisveryeasyforpeopletochatwiththeoppositegender,
evenatwork• Youcanfindpicturesandvideosonlineoftheoppositegender• Allofthiscandestroyhouseholdsandfamilies• Inpast,anyonewhowantedtocheatneededtoexerteffort• Nowadays,ifyouhaveasmartphone,youbecomeveryvulnerable• Manyhusbandsandwivesfallintothistemptation
o In the past, when people fell into such traps, the mistakes would getburied,anditwouldbeapersonalissuebetweenthemandAllah
o Butnowinthedigitalworld,nothinggetsdeleted;anyonecangrabyourphoneorlaptopwhichmaybesyncedtogether
o So,suchbehaviorismoreeasilyexposedandmaycausemanyproblemsbetweenahusbandandwife.
Basedonasurvey,divorcehasincreased12%inAmerica.38%ofthesecasesarerelatedtoFacebook,whichmadeiteasyforpeopletoreconnectwitholdfriends.Wecansometimesbreaktherulesofmodestyinthissocietywithoutevenknowingit.Thus,weneedtoupholdtheprinciplesofhayya.Asanactionitemforthecommunity,bothindividuallyandasfamily,weneedtoreadaboutthese issues inorderto improvethequalityofourfamilies.Readaboutefficiencytohelpyoucombat thebusynatureof life inaddition to learning timemanagementskills.Whenwereadbooksaboutcommunication,wewillrealizethis isaskillthatdealsheavilywithemotionalintelligence.Itnotonlyappliestohusbandandwife,butalsotoparentsandkids,in-laws,etc.EmotionalIntelligence2.0byTravisBradberryisagoodbooktoreaddealingwiththisissue.In regards to social dynamics, reading about this topicwill help us learn about the realrules ofmarriage.Wemight see things in themedia, but theymay not be real. Just likephysics,marriagehas rules. If you throw somethingup, itwill comedown. If you throwsomething against a wall, it will bounce back at you. Likewise, if you throw a meancommenttoyourwife,shewillprobablythrowameancommentback.
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Adab
“Iwasonlysenttoperfectgoodmanners.”[Ahmad,Sahih,8952]
WHATISADAB?Adabisderivedfrom i.e.toinvitepeopletogether,usuallyforagoodcausesuchasbanquet,buffet,foodspread,etc.Peoplewillpickthebestfromanopenbuffet.Inaplateoffruit,youpickthefreshest,sweetestfruit.Frommanners,youseehowpeoplebehave,yougetalltheexperiencesandyoupickthebest.Thereisadifferentspectrumbetweenmostbehavedandleastbehavedandeverythinginbetween,andyoupickthebest.The linkhere, though, is thatadabalmost invitesoneto theacquisitionofallqualitiesofexcellence and praiseworthy dispositions and forbids them from acquiring thatwhich iswrong, inappropriate, and evil. Some think adab is just literature, but there is a deepermeaningtoitbeyondtheliterature.Whenyouseesomeonebehavinginthemostbeautifulway,thatisadab.IntheQur’an,Allah says:
“Dowhatisperfectlybeautiful.Allahlovesthosewhodowhatisperfectlybeautiful.”
Surahal-Baqarah,2:195Sointhedeepestsense,adabisbeautifulbeingandbeautifulfeelingandbeautifulthinking–expressingourselvesinbeautifulaction.
v Adabdesignatesawiderangeofsocialandethicalvirtues,likegoodmanners,tact,grace, indulgence towards friends, refined taste, courage, erudition, and literaryskill.
v Adab,thus,iseducationandupbringing,highmoralprinciplesandcorrectbehavior,scholarship,andknowledgeallatonce.
v Adabistoknowhowtospeakcorrectlyandactcorrectlyattherighttimeandplace.
Alackofadabbringsdowntheentirestructure.So,adabisactuallymorethanjustbeing“respectful”assomewhatsuggestedbytheAsianlanguages,suchasUrduandPashtuetc.,andiscloserto:“Acompletecodeofconductandmoralbehaviorwhichdeterminesoureveryactionin
thisworld.”
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ADABVS.KHULUQKhuluq is almost synonymouswith adab except that it is something a little bitmorespecific, i.e. itcomesunderadab.Whileadab isthegeneralcodeofconductwithallpossibleaffairswithallpossiblecreation,khuluq,orgoodcharacter,ismoreofaquality,acharacteristicsuchasbravery,whereasadabismoreofhowwebehaveingeneral.Adabmeansmanners,whilekhuluqmeansetiquette(howyoueat,speak,walk,respondtosomeonewhospokeilltoyou).THETRUEVALUEOFADABIn the subject of marriage, in reality, whenever you look back at the deep meaning offamily, it’s all about your adab/akhlaaq/behavior towards your family members. In theconceptofdealingwithfamily,welookatthesubjectofadabandsubjectofakhlaaq.Adab is paramount to learning our religion Infact,thesalafwouldnevertakeanarrationorsomeknowledgefromanyonewhoseadabwasnotuptothestandard.AsIbrahimal-Nakha’isaid,“Ifweweretotakesome‘ilmfromaman,we’d lookathismanners,hisprayer, andhis general conductbeforewe took fromhim.”Someadded,“Wewouldseehowhetreatedhisparentsfirst…”Adab is the Sunnah of the Messenger of Allah
IntheQur’an,Allah says:
“For,indeed,youare(Muhammad)mostsurelyamanofoutstandingcharacter.”Surahal-Taghabun,68:4
TheProphet’s characterearnedhimthetitleAl-SadiqAl-Ameen,becausethatishowhedealt with his family. What do you get from khuluq? The Prophet said, “The bestamongyouarethosewhoarebesttotheirfamily.”Yazidb.Babanussaid,“Wewentto‘A’ishahandsaid,‘Umm’lMu’minin,whatwasthecharacteroftheMessengerofAllah like?’Shereplied,‘HischaracterwastheQur’an.CanyourecitethesurahentitledTheBelievers?’Shesaid,‘Recite:’
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“Itisthebelieverswhoaresuccessful:theywhoareduringtheirprayerhumblysubmissive,andtheywhoturnawayfromillspeech,andtheywhoareobservantofzakah,andthosewho
guardtheirprivateparts.”Surahal-Mu’minun,23:1-5Shesaid,‘ThatwasthecharacteroftheMessengerofAllah .’”WhydidtheSahabahaskaboutthecharacteroftheProphet whiletheysawhimeveryday?Theysawhispublicimage,andtheywantedtoknowabouthisprivateimage.Didhebehavethesamewayathome?‘A’ishahexplainedthathismannersweretheQur’an.So,theProphet alwaysfollowedthestandardsoftheQur’an,evenathome.Why is it so hard to have the best manners and akhlaaq with family? Whyisitsoeasywithotherpeople?Wehavetwofaces:oneispublic,andoneisprivate.Inpublic,wesmile,arehappy,gentle,hospitable,kind,andgenerous.Inprivate,itisacompletelydifferentstory.Ourreallifeisjustlikeaselfie–wefakeit.Onetime,ShaykhYaserwasstandinginlinetopickupcoffee.Theladyinfrontofhimspentfiveminutestryingtotaketheperfectselfie.Whileshewastryingtotakethepicture,shewassmiling;butassoonasshegotherpicture,hersmileturnedintoafrown.So,outthere,wemaybeallsmilesandnice,butinside,onlyAllah trulyknows.Characterisnothingbuttherepetitionofcertainbehavior,likewhenyoudosomethingregularly.Ifsomeoneisalwaysajoker,theycallhimaclown.Ifsomeoneisalwaysgrumpy,peoplewillcallhimgrumpy.Itdependsonhowyoubehave.Knowledgeisnotbeneficialunlessittranslatesintoactionthroughmannersandakhlaaq.Unlessitisrepetitiveandconsistent,itisnotconsideredyourcharacter.Thehumanbrainhastwosides:theconsciousandsubconscious.Wealwaysspeaktotheconsciousmind,anditreceivesinformation.Ifthisinformationisnotsolidifiedthroughpractice,itdoesnotenterthesubconscioustobecomearchived.
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Theimportanceofkhuluqintermsoffamilyisthatithelpsbuildbridgesbetweenfamilymembers.Manyofusworryaboutfixingtherelationshipsaroundus–wedoeverythinginourpower,butnothingworks!Wegetfrustrated,thenwegetangry.Instead,weneedtofocusonmaintainingourrelationshipwithAllah .Whenwedealwithpeopleusingmanners,itisnotbecausetheydeserveit.Itisbecausewedeservetobegoodandtodotherightthing.The effect of adab is never lost upon a person. Youwillalwaysrememberthekindnessandcourtesyofsomeoneaboveanyothertraitorcharacteristic.Wheneverythingelsedisappears,adabisleftbehind.Peoplemayforgeteverythingthatyousaidtothem–buttheywillneverforgetyouradab.Theywillneverforgethowyoumadethemfeel.Abu’lDarda’saidthatonewithgoodcharacterwillentertheGardenwhereastheonewithbad–theFire.Theonewithgoodadabandkhuluqisforgivenwhilstheisasleep!Umm’lDarda’said,“Andhowisheforgivenwhenheisasleep?!”BecausehisMuslimbrotherawakesinthemiddleofthenight,praysthenightprayerandmakesdu’atoAllah ,anditisaccepted.Heasksforforgivenessforhissleepingbrotheranditisaccepted.Ifyouaretravelin,inhardship,orfeelinglonely,andsomeonedoessomethingforthesakeofgoodness,howhappydoesthatmakeyou?Howmuchdu’adowemakeforthatperson!?Adab is like a land with fortresses InordertoprotectourimanandTawheed,wemustsurroundourselveswithdifferentlayers–especiallyduringthesetimes.Thefirstlayerofprotectionisthelayerofmannersandetiquette.Howdowebehaveifsomeonesayssomethingbadtous?Howdowerespond?Havinggoodadabwillhelpusprotectouridentityandcommunity.Adabislikealandwithfortresses;the1stmadeofgold,2ndofsilver,3rdofiron,4thofbakedclay,andthe5thofnormalbrick.Ifthe5thisdefendedproperly,theenemieswillnevergetin,butiftheybecomelazyandneglectful,they’llbreakintothefirst,andthentothesecond,andthentothethirduntiltheydestroythelot.Likewise,imanisfivefortresses:the1stisyaqin(certainty),2ndisikhlas(sincerity),3rdisfulfillingtheobligations(fara’id),4thisfulfillingthesunnan,and5thisthepreservationofadab.Aslongasthe5thispreservedandfocusedupon,theShaytanwillnevergetin,butifheleavesadab,thentheShaytanwillstarttodevourhissunnan,thenhisfara’id,thenhisikhlas,andthenfinallyhisyaqin.
CHAPTER ONEHome Sweet Home
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Chapter 1: home sweet home What is a family?
DEFINITIONFamilyisadivinelyinspiredinstitutionwithmarriageatitscore.
“Omankind,fearyourLord,whocreatedyoufromonesoulandcreatedfromititsmateanddispersedfrombothofthemmanymenandwomen.AndfearAllah,throughwhomyouask
oneanother,andthewombs.IndeedAllahisever,overyou,anObserver.”Surahal-Nisa,4:1
AMuslimfamilyconsistsofalegallymarriedcouple(husbandandwifewithanikah)andtheirchildren.Italsoincludestheirparents,siblings,andotherrelatives.AMuslimfamilycomesintoexistencethroughtwomeans:bloodrelationshipandmarriage.
“AnditisHewhohascreatedfromwaterahumanbeingandmadehim[arelativeby]lineage
andmarriage.AndeverisyourLordcompetent[concerningcreation].”Surahal-Furqan,25:54
Isacityhallorcourtmarriageenough?Manyyoungmenandwomendonotknowthedifferencebetweenthisandanikah.Theygotocourt,getamarriagelicense,andconsiderthemselvesmarried.Thisisnotenough–anikahisrequired.
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STRUCTUREThetraditionalMuslimfamilyisextended,oftenspanning3ormoregenerations.3Layers
1. InnerFold–husbandandwife,theirparentsandancestors,theirchildrenandoffspring(closestkin;mostvaluable)
2. CentralFold–theMahram(unmarriageablekin)3WaystoEstablishMahramrelationship:
BloodRelations–brothersandsisters,unclesandaunts,andnephewsandniecesMarriage–father-in-law,mother-in-law,son-in-law,daughter-in-law,stepparents,andstepchildrenThemomentthenikahisdone,themother-in-lawandfather-in-lawbecomeMahramtothehusbandandwifeforever–evenifthereisnoconsummationofthemarriage.Asforstepchildren,theydonotbecomeMahramtothestepparentsuntiltheconsummationofthemarriage.Isthebrother-in-lawconsideredMahram?No,notatall!
Breastfeeding–similartoabiologicalchildIfachildisnursedinafamily,itisasiftheyareabiologicalchildinthatfamily(milksibling).Thedifferenceisthatthischilddoesnotreceiveinheritance.Cananywealthbeputasideforthem?Yes–upto1/3.Howmanytimesdoesthechildhavetobenursed?Anarrationby‘A’ishah says5fullmeals(eitherthebabystopsnursingorfallsasleep).Thisnursingperiodtakesplaceinthefirsttwoyears.
3. OuterFold–cousinsandtheirchildren,brother-in-lawandsister-in-lawandtheir
children(extendedfamily)
OuterFold
CentralFold
InnerFold
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TYPESOFFAMILYSTRUCTUREAmericanfamilystructurehaschangeddramaticallyoverthelast50years.MuslimAmericanfamilystructureismovingslowlyinthesamedirection.Herearesomeofthemostcommontypesoffamilystructureinthissociety:A.)NuclearFamily:traditionalfamily–twoparentsandtheirchildrenThistypeoffamilywaslongheldinesteembysocietyasbeingtheidealinwhichtoraisechildren.Childreninnuclearfamiliesreceivestrengthandstabilityfromthetwo-parentstructureandgenerallyhavemoreopportunitiesduetothefinancialeaseoftwoadults.Weoftenimagineastandardfamilyasamotherandfatherwiththeirchildrenandpetsrunningthroughameadow–thisisnotthecase!Therearemanydifferentstyles/shapes/sizesoffamilies.
1. SingleChildFamily–ahusbandandwifehaveonlyonechildAcommonstereotypeisthatthechildisspoiledandfeelsentitledtosuccessandhappiness–theparentsareunderemotionalpressurebecausetheyonlyhaveonechild!Theyfeeltheneedtocompensateforeverything.Coupleswhohavemorechildrenhavemoresecureemotions.Parentswhohaveonlyoneortwochildrenendupbeingmorecontrolling–theymicromanageinordertoprotectandsavetheirchildren.Theywanttocontroltheoutcomeoftheirlives,andtheyfearuncertainty.Thedynamicsofasmallfamilyaredifferenttothedynamicsofalargefamily.Forexample,peoplemaythinkthatthereismorefinancialstabilitywithasmallerfamily.However,alargerfamilycreatesmorefinancialstability.Whencoupleshavemultiplechildren,theyhavemoreemotionalstabilityaswell.
Thereisnothingwrongwithasmallfamilyoralargefamily!
2. SingleChild-GenderFamily–ahusbandandwifehavetwoorthreechildren,buttheyareallthesamegender
Thereisnoproblemwiththis!Allah givesasHepleases.Intermsofupbringing,though,theremightbesomedifficultaspects.Forexample,whenboysgrowupwithouthavingsistersaround,theymightnotbeabletounderstandtheoppositegender–theymaynothaveahighlevelofemotionalintelligence.Or,ifgirlsgrowupwithoutbrothers,theymaynotknowhowtodealwiththeminthefuture.
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3. AdoptedChildFamily–ahusbandandwifeadoptachild,whethertheyhavechildrenoftheirownornotManyyoungcoupleschoosetodelayhavingchildrenuntiltheyareready.Thistypicallydealswithfinishingschoolorspendingtimeontheircareers.Bythetimetheydecidetohavechildren,theymayhaveadifficulttimebiologically–sotheymakethedecisiontoadopt.TheIslamicsystemiscalledkafaalah,anditismorelikeasponsorship.Itinvolvesraisingachildasamemberofthefamilywhilekeepingtheirfamilynameandlineage.TheproblemwithadoptionistheMahramissue.Ifacoupleadoptsaboy,heisnotMahramtohisadoptivemotheroncehereachespuberty.Fromafiqhperspective,shewouldhavetowearhijabinfrontofhimandhaveaformalrelationship–thisismucheasiersaidthandone.Whatisthesolution?Thesolutionistogivethechildthemother’smilk.Ifthechildisundertwoyearsofage,thisveryiseasytodo.Ifthechildisolder,and/orthemothercannotproducemilk,thenhersistercannursethechild.Thisisacase-by-casescenariothatwillbeexplainedindetaillateron.
ü Whataboutfosterfamilies?Thisisanewtrendthesedays.
Afosterfamilysituationistemporary,whileadoptionispermanent.Thestatepayslicensedandregisteredfamiliestotemporarilytakecareoffosterchildrenuntilpermanentaccommodationscanbemadeforthem(adoption).FosterhomesmayhavethesamedilemmaintermsofMahram.Islamically,itispermissibletohaveachildincustody.Takingyoungchildrenispreferablebecauseitiseasier.Communitiesmusthaveregisteredfosterhomes.Weshouldmakesuretofindoutwhichfamiliesareregistered.Fosterchildrenaresenttoanyhomeontheregisteredlist–Muslimornon-Muslim.WedonothaveenoughMuslimfosterhomesregistered!
B.)ExtendedFamily:MultipleadultslivingtogetherwhoarerelatedeitherbybloodormarriageInadditiontoparents,extendedfamiliesmayalsoincludeuncles,aunts,cousins,andgrandparents.Familymemberscanworktowardscommongoalssuchasraisingthechildrenandkeepingupwiththehouseholdduties.Thistypeoffamilystructuremayformduetofinancialdifficultiesorbecauseolderrelativesandunabletocareforthemselvesalone.Thisiseconomic–itcanhelpfamiliessavemoney.Theycanpooltheirmoneytogetherandfindabiggeraccommodation.
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Isitbettertohaveajointfamily,oraseparatefamily?Manyfamilieschoosetolivetogetherbecauseofemotionalgratification–theparentsaretryingtosecuretheirretirementplansubconsciously.Theywanttomakesurethattheirchildrenarealwaysaround.Oncetheirchildrenleave,parentscandevelopemotionalanxiety.Iftheyhaveafinancialplan,theycanmanagetheiremotions.
ü Shouldyourparentslivewithyouafteryougetmarried?Islamically,youarenotobligatedtolivewithyourparentsormakethatarrangement.Whenyougetmarried,youcanhaveaseparateaccommodation.Isitbettertohaveyourparentslivewithyou,ornot?TheIslamicanswerisneutral,whichmeansthatitisonacase-by-casebasis.Ifitisculturallyacceptable,andyoudonothaveanyproblemswithit,thenitisfine.Iflivingwithyourparentsiscreatingproblems,thenyoudonothavetodoso.However,ifparentsareillorcannotsupportthemselvesfinancially,thentheirchildrenareobligatedtotakecareofthem.
C.)SingleParentFamily:oneparentraisingonechildormanychildrenonhisorherownOften,asingleparentfamilyisamotherwithherchildren,althoughtherearesinglefathersaswell.Thesingleparentfamilyisthebiggestandmostobviouschangesocietyhasseenintermsofthechangesinfamilystructures.Manytimes,weoverlookthesituationofsinglefathers,eventhoughtherearemanysuchindividualsinourcommunities.Theyoftenfeeloverlookedassocietyusuallydiscussestheissuesofsinglemoms.
ü Aresingleparentsallowedtoadoptachild?Yes.
ü ButwhataboutestablishingtheMahramrelationshipforchildrenover2yearsold?Forexample,howwouldasingleparentadopta5yearoldchild?ShaykhYasirdiscussedthisissuewithmanyscholars,andtothispointintime,hehasstillnotreceivedasatisfactoryanswer.ScholarsgiveaverygenericanswerbasedonthestoryofSalimMawlaAbiHudhayfah .AbuHudhayfah hadthischildservinginhishouse,butasSalimstartsgrowingup,AbuHudhayfahstartstofeeluncomfortable.ThewifeofAbuHudhayfahgoestotheProphet andexplainsthatSalimislikeherchildwhileAbuHudhayfahfeelsuncomfortable.So,theProphettoldher:‘arthi’i(nursehim).ButIslamically,thismeanstogivehimmilkinanywaypossibleevenifitbebypumpingthemilkout.Afterreceivingthiscommand,thewifeofAbuHudhayfahgavemilktoSalimwhothenbecameMahram.
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ü OneofrulesofbecomingMahramdictatesthatthecutoffforbreastfeedingis2yearsoldis.Thischildwas10yearsold,sohowdowereconcilethisdifference?SomescholarssaytheProphet wasgivinganexecutiveorder,whichoverrodethefiqhruling.However,themajorityoffuqahasaythatifitwereanexecutiveorder,thentherulingwouldbecontainedonlywithinthatincident(i.e.exclusivelyforSalim).Wemayhaveanopportunitytoexpandthisrule.SincethesituationofSalimwasunique,youcanapplythissameruleinsimilaruniquecircumstances.Thisisanoptionforahusbandandwifetoadoptolderchildren.ShaykhYasirBirjasisnotahugefanofthisopinion,buthedoesnotobjectifothersfollowit.
ü Isthereaspecificamountofmilkthatthechildmustdrink?
Ifthechildis2yearsold,heorshemustdrink5fullmeals(i.e.untilthechildfallsasleepwhiledrinkingorheorshestops).Butwhatabouta10yearsoldchild?Thechildmustdrinkenoughmilkthatwouldsatisfyhimorher.
ü Areunmarried/singleindividualsallowedtoadopt?
Yes,butkeepinmindthatheorsheneedstoestablishtheMahramrelationshipifthechildistheoppositegender.Ifamanadoptsaboy,theproblemissolved.Likewise,ifawomanadoptsagirl,theproblemissolved.
ü Saythataladyhasbeenmarriedforafewyears,butshecannotconceive.Her
biologicalclockisticking,andsheisafraidtowaitanylonger.Issheallowedtofreezesomeofhereggsforalaterpointintime?Yes,sheisallowedtofreezehereggsaslongasthelab/agencyisreputable,andtherewillbenocrosscontamination.Furthermore,whenshefreezeshereggs,itmustbefertilizedwithherhusband’ssperm.
ü Isthiswomanallowedtodonatesomeofhereggstoanotherwoman?
No,shecannotdonatehereggstoanyoneelse.
ü Whataboutasinglewomanwhoisnotgettingmarriedsoon,butshemightgetmarriedlater?Issheallowedtofreezehereggs?Yes,withthesameprecautionslistedabove.Theremustbeaguaranteeofnocrosscontamination.
ü Thereisahusbandandwife,andthewifefrozesomeofhereggs.Thehusband
hadanaccidentanddied.Inthatperiodwhenheisdead,issheallowedtofertilizehereggswithhissemenwhileshecarriesthebaby?No.Whenthemanisdead,shecannothavehereggsfertilizedwithhissemen.
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ü Whatifthemanisonlifesupport?So,technically,heisnotdead.Issheallowedtohavehereggsfertilizedwithhissemen?Mostscholarssayno,shecannothaveachildinthismannerbecauseheisinthepositionofbeingdead.Therearesomanyfiqhrulingspertainingtosimilarsituations;forexample,ifamanisonhisdeathbedandstartsdistributinghismoney,wealth,andestatesamongfamilymembers,thisdistributionisIslamicallyconsiderednull.Itisalsonotallowedforsomeonetodistributeallofhisorherwealthafterdiscoveringheorsheonlyhas6monthstoliveduetocancer.Likewise,itwouldnotbepermissibletofertilizethewoman’seggwithhisspermwhileheisonlifesupport.
ü AMuslimwomannevergotmarried,butshewouldlovetohaveachildofher
own.Issheallowedtofreezehereggsbyinjectingthespermofadonor?Absolutelynot.
ü Areweallowedtobeorgandonorforsperm?
No.
ü Isawomanallowedtowashherhusband’sbodyifhedies?Yes,andviceversa.Itisverycrueltopreventherfromdoingso.Aisha oncehadaheadache,andtheProphet askedherwhysheiscomplaining.Heexplainedthatifshedies,hewilltakecareofher,washher,andprayherjanazahforher.Also,whenFatimah passedaway,herhusbandAli washedhebody.
ü Saythatamanleaveshisfamily,andhisdaughtergrowsuptobe25yearsold.
Sheisnowgettingmarried.Doesherfatherhavearighttoreturnandassumetheresponsibilityofwilayahagain?Iswilayahbybloodrelation?Thereisadebatebetweenscholarsregardingthismatter.Theysaythatifthefatherleftanddidnotsupportthefamilyfinanciallyinanywayorcareforhiskids,itwillbedependentonthegirl’sdecision.Ifhecomesbackafterwalkingaway,shecandecideifsheacceptshiswilayahornot.Shecanapproveornotapprove.Ifsherefusesherfather’swilayah,thesecondinkinshipwillassumethisresponsibilitysuchasthegrandfather,brother,oruncle.
ü Whatifshehasnofamilymemberstoassumetheresponsibilityofwilayah?
Inthiscase,thereligiousauthorityinthatareabecomesherwali.InMuslimcountries,thesituationisreferredbacktothecourt.HereintheU.S.,thesituationisreferredbacktotheIslamiccenterandImam.
Thereisaruleinfiqhcalledal-saaqitlaaya’ud( ):onceyoudroparightyoucannottakeitback.Forexample,saythatsomeoneowesyou5K,andheasksforanextension.Yourealizethatthismanisnotcapableofpayingyouback,soyouforgivethedebt.Twomonthslater,youseethisindividualenjoyinganabundanceofwealth,andheexplainsthatAllah openedthedoorsofkhairforhim.You
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cannotaskforthemoneybackbecauseyoualreadywaivedthedebt!Butifthisindividualoffersyouthemoneyback,youcanstillacceptit.Keepinmindthatyouarenotacceptingthemoneyaspaymentofdebtbutratherascharity.So,ifthefatherwalkedoutonhisfamily,thenhehasnorighttotakebackhisrightsbasedontheconceptofal-saaqitlaaya’ud.
ü Butwhatifthefatheralwayskeptalineofcommunicationwithhiskids,
includinghisdaughters,andprovidedforthemfinancially?Inthiscase,heisstillthewali.However,iftherewasnosupport,hehasforfeitedhisrights.
ü Whatifthemotherremarries,andthestepfatherraisedthegirl,payingfor
herschoolandlifeexpenses?Canthestepfatherbethewali?Technically,heisallowedtotakethepositionofwali,notbecauseofkinship,butbecauseheprovidedforher.However,thisisonlyifthegirldidnothaveotherfamilymemberstoassumetheroleofwali.So,ifherpaternalgrandfatherorpaternaluncleispresent,theywouldserveasthewali.
ü Whatifthemothertakesthekidsandrunsoff,cuttingofftherelationship
withthefather?So,thereisnocommunicationwiththefather.Hetriedtolookallovertheplaceforthem,andoneday,helearnsfromsocialmediathathisdaughterisgettingmarried.Thefatherthengetsintouchwiththedaughter.Doesthismanhavearighttobeherwali?Yes,becauseinthiscase,themandidnotforfeithisrights.Eveniftherewasnofinancialsupportorcommunication,hecanstillbethewalibecausehedidn’tforfeithisrights.
ü Whatifthisgirlinthespecificscenariolistedabovehasastepfatherwhotookcareofherallherlife?Whobecomesthewali?Inthiscase,thebiologicalfatheristheactualwali,butonecanalsotakeintoconsiderationthepastwithherstepfather.
D.)ChildlessFamily:husbandandwifelivingandworkingtogetherwithnochildrenThesecoupleseithercannotorchoosenottohavechildren.Thechildlessfamilyissometimesthe“forgottenfamily”,asitdoesnotmeetthetraditionalstandardssetbysociety.Manychildlessfamiliestakeontheresponsibilityofpetownershiporhaveextensivecontactwiththeirniecesandnephewsasasubstituteforhavingtheirownchildren.
ü Whydocoupleschoosenottohavechildren?Somecouplesarebiologicallyincapableofhavingchildren.Othercouplesmaygetmarriedandjustwanttohavefun,sotheychoosenottohavekids.Perhapstheydon’twanttheresponsibilityofraisingchildren,ortheyhadatoughchildhood
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themselves.Somepeopleareentrepreneursandtravelsomuchthattheyjustdon’thavetimeforkids.Islamically,peopleareallowedtomakethatdecision.
ü Isacoupleallowedtogetmarriedundertheconditionthattheywillnothave
kids(i.e.puttingitinthemarriagecontract)?Yes.However,ifthewifegetspregnant,theycannotabort.
ü Whatifthemansayshedoesnotwanttohavekids,andtheladysayssheis
undecided?So,theladyneveragreed.Isthisallowed?Thecouplemustactuallydiscussthisissueandcometoanagreement.
ü Canthedecisionbetemporary?Forexample,choosingnottohavekidsforthe
first2yearsorfirst5yearsofmarriagebecauseyouwanttofinishyourresidency.Yes,itisallowed.
ü Canacouplechoosenottohavekidsforaperiodoftimeinordertotestthe
marriage?Technically,fromafiqhperspective,thecoupleisallowedtomakethisdecision.However,fromapsychologicalperspective,itisanabsolutelywrongdecisiontomake.Onceyouopenthedoorforfailure,thereisan80%chancethatyouwillmeetthatfailure.However,ifacoupledelayshavingkidsforpragmaticreasonssuchaswantingtofinishschoolfirstorwantingtobuyahousefirst,thatisreasonable.Butdelayingkidsjusttotestthemarriageisnotaverygoodidea.Remember,allofthesemattersareintheHandsofAllah .
ü Canconflictbeavoidedifacouplechoosesnottohavekids?
Whetheryouhavekidsornot,therewillalwaysbesomekindofconflictinthemarriage.Thereisnosuchthingasavoidingconflict.Tryingtoavoidconflictisoneofthebiggestmistakesmadeinmarriage,especiallyamongyoungercouples.Alwaystryingtoavoidconflictissettingyourselfupforfailure.Itisnotaboutavoidingconflictbutratherlearninghowtomanageit.Conflictisaninevitablerealityoftherelationship,anditisactuallyasignofgrowth!Everythinginourlivesrevolvesaroundvariables;so,whenthereisconflict,somethinghaschangedthedynamicsintherelationship.Wemustaskourselves,whatchanged?Whenweunderstandthatchange,wecanlearnhowtomanageit.
E.)StepFamily:involvestwoseparatefamiliesmergingintoonenewunitOverhalfofallmarriagesendindivorce,andmanyoftheseindividualschoosetogetremarried,creatingthestepfamily.Itconsistsofanewhusbandandwifeandtheirchildrenfrompreviousmarriagesorrelationships.Stepfamiliesareaboutascommonasthenuclearfamily,althoughtheytendtohavemoreproblems,suchasadjustmentperiodsanddisciplineissues.ThestatusofMahramamongstepchildrenisanotherchallengeforthistypeoffamily.
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Oncethemarriageisconsummated,thestepparentsbecomeMahramtothestepchildren.However,thestepsiblingsfromafiqhperspectivearenotMahramtooneanother(i.e.thechildrenofthefatherarenotMahramtothechildrenofthemother).ShaykhYaseraskedscholarshowtoovercomethisissue,butunfortunately,therewasnosolidanswerapartfromthepreviousdiscussionaboutnursing.Ifpeoplechoosetofollowthisopinion,thatisfine.However,somewillsaythattechnically,itisnotarealanswertothisdilemma.
ü Howdidpeopledealwiththeissueofstepsiblingsinthepast?Inthecultureofthepast,bythetimethechildreaches12or13yearsold,heorsheisalreadymarriedandoutofthehouse.So,theissueofstepsiblingsdidnotreallyposeaproblem.Butinourtimes,kidssometimesstaywiththeirparentsuntiltheyare18yearsoldoreven25yearsold.Howdoweovercomethisissuethen?ShaykhYaserknewacoupleinthiskindofsituation,andunfortunatelythemarriageendedbecausethehusbandandwifecouldnotresolvetheissue.
Somewillsuggestthatthechildrenmarryeachother,butthisismucheasiersaidthandone.Ifthechildrenare5and7yearsold,howdotheyjustgetmarried?Itisnotblackandwhite,andthereisnospecificanswertothisquestion.
However,ifthehusbandandwifehaveanotherchildthroughthenewmarriage,thischildbecomesMahramtoalltheotherchildrenfrompreviousmarriages.
ü ArestepparentspermanentMahram?
Yes,oncethemarriageisconsummated,thestepparentbecomesMahramforever.Evenifthecoupledivorces,thestepparentisstillMahram.Beforeconsummationofthemarriage,thestepparentisnotMahramyet.
ü Isahusbandandwifeallowedtohireawomantocarrytheirbabyforthemas
asurrogatemother?So,boththespermandeggcomefromtheactualcouple,andthesurrogatemotherisjusta3rdparty.Thisisnotallowed.Fuqahahavestatedonlyoneconditioninwhichthiswouldbepermissible:ifthemanmarriesthatotherwomanservingasthesurrogatemother,providedthathedoesn’tmarryherjustforthatreason.
ü Whobecomestheactualrightfulmother?
Therewouldbesharedmotherhoodbecausethesurrogatemothercarriedthatbabyfor9months.
ü Whatifthestepchildrengetmarried?WilltheirspousebeMahramtothe
stepparentofoppositegender?No.Forexample,sayamangetsmarried,andhehasadaughterfromaperviousmarriage.Whenthisdaughtergetsmarried,herhusbandisnotMahramtothestepmom.
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VISIONOFAMUSLIMFAMILYFamilyisamajorfoundationofIslamiclife.TheQur’anandSunnahspeakoffamilylifeasthenurtureroffitrahandguardianofthepurposeoflife.MuslimfamilylifeevolvesaroundtheprinciplesofsubmissiontotheWillofAllah .Muslimfamiliesaresupposedtobeclose,kind,andloving.Familyisthebackboneofthesociety,andtoensurethat,Islammadeitsprinciplesdivine.Why do we need a vision for the Muslim family? Mostimportantly,avisionhelpseveryoneintherelationshipovercomeallfearsanddifficultiesbecausethereisabiggerpicturethatyouneedtoachieve.PeopleaskShaykhYaserifheevergetsstagefright.Hesaysthathedoes.Theelementofstagefrighthelpsonerecalibrate,focus,anddothebestheorshecan.Peopleaskhimhowhegetsridofit.Hesaysthathedoesn’t;rather,heonlyovercomesit.Likewise,somepeoplearesoafraidofgettingmarriedbecauseofthe“whatif?”scenario.The“whatif?”becomesahugemonsterthatcanpreventyoufromgettingmarried.Insteadoftryingtoremovefearscompletely,onemustlearntoovercomethembycreatingabeautifulvisionforthemarriageandfamily.
Doyouthinkthatsoldiersandhappyandjollytomarchforthonthebattlefield?Ofcoursenot!Theyaresoafraid.Buthowdotheygointobattleandsacrificetheirlives?ThecommanderportraysanamazingvisionfortheMuslims,onethatrevolvesaroundJannahandshahada.Thisvisionhelpsthesoldiersovercometheirfear.
Oncethevisionofthemarriagelosesfocus,themarriagebecomesboring.Duringcounseling,ShaykhYasersometimesaskscoupleswheretheyseethemselvesinthenext5years.Thehusbandandwifeimmediatelyturntoeachother.Theyhavenoclue!Iftheyhadavision,theywouldhavepresentedit.Peoplemaystandatthecrossroadandask,“WhereshouldIgo?”Itdependsonwheretheywanttogo!Iftheyknowtheendgoal,wecanbetterdirectthemonthecorrectpath.Likewise,itisnotpracticalforcouplestoaskthemarriagecounselor,“WhatshouldIdo?”Familiesneedtohaveavision;theremustbeasharedgoalthatfamilymembersaretryingtopursuethatwillultimatelyinfluencethedecisionsmade.
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The Vision of Ibrahim
“OurLord,IhavesettledsomeofmydescendantsinanuncultivatedvalleynearYoursacredHouse,ourLord,thattheymayestablishprayer.Somakeheartsamongthepeopleincline
towardthemandprovideforthemfromthefruitsthattheymightbegrateful.”SurahIbrahim,14:37
Allah presentsuswithoneofthebesthouseholds,andthatisthehouseholdofIbrahim .Ibrahimwasalmost60+yearsoldwhenhehadhisfirstchild,Ismael .AllahthencommandsIbrahimtoputIsmaelandhismotherinthedesert.Whatatest!Ibrahimsaystheabovewordswhenheisleavingtheminthebarrenvalleywithnovegetablesandnotrees.Ibrahim hadanamazingvision:thebuildingofasacredhouse.Atthattime,theKa’bahwasnotbuilt.Therewasabsolutelynothing,butIbrahimwasavisionaryman.Heknewthattherewouldbeasacredhouseinthatarea.Whenpeoplemovetoanewarea,theyusuallylookattheschooldistrictfirst,followedbytherealestatemarket.Afterensuringthecommunityisaffluentwithnocrime,theymaychoosetobuyahouseinthatareaonlytorealizethatthemasjidistoofaraway!ButthevisionofIbrahim focusedonthesacredhousefirst.AndafterbeingclosetothehouseofAllah andsecuringthefamily’sworship,hewantedacommunitywhosepeoplewouldbeinclinedtowardsthem.Notmanypeopleassessthecharacterandqualityofthepeopletheywilllivebyuntilaftertheymove.
Rizq
Community
Guidance
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Andlastly,Ibrahim wantedprovisionforhisfamily.Mostpeoplewillaskforfoodandwaterfirst,especiallyiftheyaresendingtheiryoungkidstoabarrendesert.ButIbrahimdidn’tcarebecauseknewthatprovisionwasguaranteed.JibriloncecametotheProphet
andsaid,“Nosoulshalldieuntilitfinishesitssetprovisionsandtermlimit(i.e.rizqandlifespan).”So,provisionisbeingsecured;youjusthavetoworkhardtoreceiveit.Ibrahimwasnotworriedaboutprovision.Rather,hewasworriedaboutguidanceandgoodcommunity,asthesetwoaspectsarenotguaranteed.So,weneedtostopworryingaboutoursalaryandprovisionbecausetheyarenotthemostimportantthingsinlife.Wecaresomuchaboutourfutureandprovisionthatwedonotgivesadaqahattimes.Infact,wemightactuallyfindthebestpayingjobbutendupwiththeworstfamilylife.Sowhat’sthepoint?Ontheotherhand,wemightnotnecessarilyhavethebestpayingjob,butwemighthaveapeacefulmindandheartbecauseofthestrongcommunitythatsurroundsus.Wecanstillpursueapathinordertoimproveourqualityoflife.Butremember,don’tworkhardbutworksmart.Thatway,wegetqualitywithmoney.We thrive under pressure Ashumanbeings,wethriveunderpressure.Ifwealwayshaveconvenienceinourlives,wearenotgoingtodomuch.IbnKhaldunwasaMuslimsociologistwhoauthoredabookcalledAl-Muqaddimah,inwhichhediscussedhowhardtimesproducestrongmen.Andstrongmencreateconvenienttimes.Convenienttimescreateweakmen,andweakmencreatehardtimes.Duringhardtimes,acertaingroupofoutliersstandoutamongstthecrowdandbecomeleaders.Iftimesbecomedifficult,don’tgetdepressed.Thereisatoughadministrationcomingup,andyetanothermasjidrecentlyburneddowninTexas.Rollupyoursleeves,getexcited,andgetreadytoshine.Hardtimesbringoutthebestinus.Perhapsraisingourchildrenhereduringdifficulttimesisforthebest.
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FAMILYDIVINEPRINCIPLES1.) Islam is a reference point
“Say,‘Indeed,myprayer,myritesofsacrifice,mylivingandmydyingareforAllah,Lordofthe
worlds.’”Surahal-An’am,6:162YouliveyourlifetopleaseAllah .TheProphet said,“WhoeverseeksthepleasureofAllahthoughitdispleasesthepeople,thenAllahbecomespleasedwithhimandHewillmakethepeoplepleasedwithhim.WhoeverseeksthepleasureofthepeopleanditdispleasesAllah,thenAllahbecomesdispleasedwithhimandwillmakethepeopledispleasedwithhim.”Wemustalwaysbetruetoourvaluesandstandfirmlyforourbeliefs.2.) The life of this world is a temporary one
“AllahextendsprovisionforwhomHewillsandrestricts[it].Andtheyrejoiceintheworldlylife,whiletheworldlylifeisnot,comparedtotheHereafter,except[brief]enjoyment.”
Surahal-Ra’d,13:26Weneedtostoptreatingthisdunyaasoureternity.Thisdoesn’tmeanwequitourjobandliveinthemasjiduntilwedie.Somewouldsaythatweneedtocreatebalance,butShaykhYaserbelievesthatweneedtoestablishpriorities,whichwillultimatelycreatebalanceinourlives.So,iffamilyisourpriority,thenwemayneedtocutbackonsomeofourworkhours.Somemaysay,“Buttherearetoomanyexpenses!”Thentrytocutbackonsomeoftheexpenses.Focusingtoomuchonexpensesmeanswearemorepreoccupiedwiththehouseinsteadofthefamily.Remember,thisworldistemporary,soweneedtofocusontheakhirawhilenotforgettingaboutthedunyaeither.
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3.) Gain and loss is in the Hereafter
“Sowhoeverdoesanatom'sweightofgoodwillseeit,andwhoeverdoesanatom'sweightof
evilwillseeit.”Surahal-Zalzalah,99:7-8Manyissuescancomebetweenfamilymembers,andeveryoneisworriedaboutwinningthebattlehereinthisdunya.Instead,wecanoverlooktheseissuesandstandbeforeAllah
.Fromtheaboveayat,webelievethatnokhairinthisworldwillgounnoticed,andnoevilinthisworldwillgounnoticedeither.So,ifyouthinkthatyoumissedsomethinginthisdunya,youdon’thavetogofightforittotheend;intheprocess,youmaylosealotofyourprinciples.Forexample,conflictcanexistbetweensiblingsastheyfightovermatterssuchasthehouseorland.Therecanalsobeconflictbetweenthehusbandandwifeorbetweenthemotheranddaughter-in-law.Wedon’thavetowineverybattle;thetruegainandtruelossisnotnecessarilyinthisdunyabutintheakhira.Havingthismentalitywillhelpusletgoofthings.4.) The nobility of a family is measured by piety
“Omankind,indeedWehavecreatedyoufrommaleandfemaleandmadeyoupeoplesand
tribesthatyoumayknowoneanother.Indeed,themostnobleofyouinthesightofAllahisthemostrighteousofyou.Indeed,AllahisKnowingandAcquainted.”
Surahal-Hujurat,49:13IbnTaymiyyahexplainedthatnowhereintheSunnahoftheProphet isrighteousnessorpietyevermeasuredbylineageorbloodline.WewillneverseethisprincipleineithertheQur’anorSunnah;rather,itisthepeoplewhotienobilitytoblood,whichcandestroysociety.TheProphet said,“Ifsomebodycomestoyouandyouarepleasedwithhischaracterandreligion,thenmarryhim.Ifyoudonot,therewillbediscordonearthandwidespreadcorruption.”So,ifyouarepleasedwiththisperson’sdeen(relationshipwithAllah )andcharacter(akhlaaq–relationshipwiththepeople),thenaccepttheproposal.
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5.) Healthy families produce healthy society
“Andfearatrialwhichwillnotstrikethosewhohavewrongedamongyouexclusively,and
knowthatAllahissevereinpenalty.”Surahal-Anfal,8:25Trytohelpotherpeopletakecareoftheirfamily,anddon’tbeselfish.6.) Family challenges are internal
“Why[isitthat]whena[single]disasterstruckyou[onthedayofUhud],althoughyouhad
struck[theenemyinthebattleofBadr]withonetwiceasgreat,yousaid,‘Fromwhereisthis?’Say,‘Itisfromyourselves.’Indeed,Allahisoverallthingscompetent.”
SurahAle-Imran,3:165Manypeopledon’twanttoacceptthisprinciple.Sometimes,awifewillrequestthatruqyaisdoneforherhusbandbecausesheisreadytoblameShaytanforthefamilyproblems.RuqyaistheprocessofrecitingQur’anoversomeonetoensureheorsheisnotaffectedbytheevileyeorjinn.ItispossiblefortheevileyeorjinntocauseproblemsinthemarriageasAllah says:
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“…butthedevilsdisbelieved,teachingpeoplemagicandthatwhichwasrevealedtothetwoangelsatBabylon,HarutandMarut.Butthetwoangelsdonotteachanyoneunlesstheysay,‘Weareatrial,sodonotdisbelieve[bypracticingmagic].’And[yet]theylearnfromthemthatbywhichtheycauseseparationbetweenamanandhiswife.Buttheydonotharmanyone
throughitexceptbypermissionofAllah…”Surahal-Baqarah,2:102However,wecannotimmediatelyblametheevileyeandjinnforallofourproblems.Wefirstneedtocheckourownlivesanddeterminewhatfactorscontributedtotheproblemathand.Remember,marriagehasrulesjustlikemathandphysics.1+1=2,sodon’ttrytomake1+1=10. 7.) A brilliant future is not a sole product of a good present
“....andthe[best]outcome(end)isfor[thoseof]righteousness.”SurahTaha,20:132
Weneverattachourselvestotheresults.Weareonlyresponsiblefordoingourbestandmakingtheeffort;theresultsareintheHandsofAllah .Dotheresultsalwayshavetobeinouradvantage?Sometimes,negativeresultscanbegoodforus.Forexample,therecentelectionofTrumpiswakingupalotofpeople,bothMuslimandnon-Muslim.Peoplearestrivingtodotherightthing.Therewillbeapushbetweenkhairandsharr.Thispullingandpushingcanhelpusachieveamiddlepath.ItisoneoftherulesofAllah thatonegroupofpeoplewillcheckanothergroup:
“AndifitwerenotforAllahchecking[some]peoplebymeansofothers,theearthwouldhave
beencorrupted,butAllahisfullofbountytotheworlds.”Surahal-Baqarah,2:251Remember,wearenotresponsiblefortheresults,onlytheeffort.Someparentstryhardtoraisetheirchildrenwell;theysendthemtoIslamicschool,hifdhprograms,etc.However,thekidsmaystilldeviateandbecomebad.Theparentsthenstartdoubtingtheirownfaith.Itisnotourjobtocreateperfectchildren;rather,weneedtocreateresponsiblechildren.Similarly,ahusbandandwifemaydoeverythingbythebook,buttheirrelationshipisstillnotthatgreat.TheystartdoubtingtheQur’an,Sunnah,andIslamicteachings.WeneedtokeepourpresentsituationgoodwhileunderstandingthatthefutureisintheHandsof
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Allah .Whatevercomesyourway,makethebestoutofit.Ifit’sgood,thentakeittothenextlevel.Ifnot,learntocalibrateandpushon.Peoplemaythinkthatistikharaisadecision-makingtechniquethatentailsprayerandwaitingforsomekindofdream,email,orbirdflyingthroughthewindow.IstikharaisnotameanstomakethedecisionbutratheryourconnectionwithAllah asyouaskHimforguidanceinmakingtherightdecision.Youmakethefinaldecision.Ifyouareunsure,thenyouneedtoaskmoreandreadmoreaboutthesubject.VALUESOFAMUSLIMFAMILYAMuslimfamilyshouldmaintainitselfwithinthelimitsofthepositivevaluesinitsinvolvementinthemattersofthisworldandshouldavoidthenegativeones.ThisiswhatmattersintheHereafter.1.) Love and Mercy ThebasisofaMuslimfamilyrevolvesaroundthesetwomajoringredients.
“AndofHissignsisthatHecreatedforyoufromyourselvesmatesthatyoumayfind
tranquilityinthem;andHeplacedbetweenyouaffectionandmercy.Indeedinthataresignsforapeoplewhogivethought.”Surahal-Rum,30:21
Inthisayah,Allah speaksaboutthemiraclesandwondersofthecreationsuchastheheavens,earth,people,color,language,rain,andclouds.Inthemiddleofallthesesigns,Hementionsmatesandspouse,andHeplacedbetweenthemlove(passion)andmercy(compassion).Thisayahisveryunique.Itismentionedalongsidethemagnificentcreationoftheheavensandearth.Allahwrapsthisayahwiththewordayatinthebeginning
( )andtheend( ).So,thisparticularayahisthemostuniqueofeverythingelsementionedinthatcontext.Theloveandmercymentionedinthisayahisveryunique,anditremainsmuchmoreinterestingthanthecreationoftheheavensandearth.Allahsaysthatthewholepurposeofcreatingustogetheristohelpusachievepeaceandtranquility.Howcanwedothat?Throughloveandmercy.Ifyoudon’tlovesomeone,youcanstillhavemercyonhimorher.Therelationshipbecomesterriblewhenyoustopcaring(i.e.becomelesscompassionate),anditcanresultinabuse.
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2.) Having good intentions Ibn‘Abbas narratedthattheMessengerofAllah said,“VerilyAllahhasrecordedthegooddeedsandtheevildeeds.”Thenheclarifiedthat:“Whosoeverintendstodoagooddeedbutdoesnotdoit,AllahrecordsitwithHimselfasacompletegooddeed;butifheintendsitanddoesit,AllahrecordsitwithHimselfastengooddeeds,uptosevenhundredtimes,ormorethanthat.Butifheintendstodoanevildeedanddoesnotdoit,AllahrecordsitwithHimselfasacompletegooddeed;butifheintendsitanddoesit,Allahrecordsitdownasone
singleevildeed.”[BukhariandMuslim]Whenpeoplearegettingmarried,theyneedtohaveagoodintention.Iftheirintentioniswrong,therelationshipwillbeverymiserable.WhenShaykhYasercounselscouples,hehasthemestablishassignatureoftherelationshipaspartofthemarriageprofile.Itservesastheglueasitholdspeopletogether,andifitispermanent,therelationshipcanlastalongtime.Butonceitdriesout,therelationshipwillfallapart.Forexample,sayacouplegetsmarriedforagreencardorforchildren;oncethesefactorsdisappear,themarriagewillfallapart.Ifacouplemarriesforanyreasonotherthanloveandmercy,therelationshipwillmostlikelyfail.3.) Purifying your soul
“And[by]thesoulandHewhoproportionedit.Andinspiredit[withdiscernmentof]itswickednessanditsrighteousness.Hehassucceededwhopurifiesit,andhehasfailedwho
instillsit[withcorruption].”Surahal-Shams,91:7-10
OntheauthorityofAbuHamzahAnas
binMalik -theservantofthe
MessengerofAllah -thatthe
Prophet said,“Noneofyou[truly]believesuntilhelovesforhisbrotherthatwhichhelovesforhimself.”[BukhariandMuslim]
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Allah givesustheultimategoalofthislife,andHeexplainshowtheonewhopurifieshisorhersoulhasgainedsuccess.Thosewhofailtopurifytheirsoulhavefailed.Somepeopleareevilnotonlyintheiractions,butalsointheirintentions.Theyalwaysholdgrudges,theyhavetheevileyeforothers,andtheydon’twantkhairforanyoneelse.Wemustteachourchildrentohavepuresouls.Inschool,theymayhavegoodgrades,butwhattheteachersaysaboutthemattheendoftheschoolyearissomuchmoreimportant(e.g.theirmannersandakhlaaq).Intheworkforce,noonecareswhatgradesyouhad!Instead,peoplecareabouthowyoutreatthem.AbuHurayrah narratedthattheMessengerofAllah said,“Donotbeenviousofoneanother;donotartificiallyraisepricesagainstoneanother;donothateoneanother;donotturnone’sbackoneachother;anddonotundercutoneanotherinbusinesstransactions.Andbe,[O]servantsofAllah,brethren.AMuslimisthebrotherofaMuslim.Hedoesnotwronghim.Hedoesnotfailhim[whenheneedshim].Hedoesnotlietohim.Andhedoesnotshowcontemptforhim.Pietyishere”–andhepointedtohischestthreetimes.“ItisenoughofevilforapersontoholdhisMuslimbrotherincontempt.AllofaMuslimisinviolabletoanother
Muslim:hisblood,hiswealth,andhishonor.”[Muslim]4.) Encouraging good and forbidding evil AbuSa’idal-Khudri narratedthattheMessengerofAllah said,“Whoeverofyouseesanevilmustthenchangeitwithhishand.Ifheisnotabletodoso,then[hemustchangeit]withhistongue.Andifheisnotabletodoso,then[hemustchangeit]withhisheart.Andthat
istheslightest[effectof]faith.[Muslim]Weneedtoteachourkidstobeproactiveandtocareaboutotherpeople.Theyneedtounderstandtheyhavearesponsibilitytoothersbesidethemselves.Asapartofthefamily,theyneedtocareaboutotherfamilymembers.Teenagersoftenrespondwith“Idon’tcare!”ifyoutellthemsomethingsuchas,“Don’ttalktoyoursisterlikethat!”Theseindividualsmustlearnhowtocarewhileencouraginggoodandforbiddingevil.5.) Dignity and self discipline
“Oyouwhohavebelieved,uponyouis[responsibilityfor]yourselves.Thosewhohavegoneastraywillnotharmyouwhenyouhavebeenguided.ToAllahisyoureturnalltogether;then
Hewillinformyouofwhatyouusedtodo.”Surahal-Ma’idah,5:105
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AbuHurayrah narratedthattheMessengerofAllah said,“Partoftheperfectionof
one’sIslamishisleavingthatwhichdoesnotconcernhim.”[Tirmidhi]Wemaynotrestrainourselvesattimes,andwecanmakemistakesthataffectotherpeople.Asafamily,itisveryimportanttohaveasenseofdignityandself-discipline;wemustdotherightthingregardlessofwhatpeoplesayanddo.Oncewehavedonetherightthing,wehavefulfilledourresponsibility.Weneedtoimpartthistoourchildrentooasweimplementasystemtokeepthemincheck.Forexample,parentsmaychoosenottobuycellphonesfortheirteenagekids.Oriftheydoallowcellphones,therewillbelimitationstoallowforself-discipline.6.) Truthfulness and trustworthiness ‘Abdullahb.Mas’ud narratedthattheMessengerofAllah said,“Verily,truthfulnessleadstorighteousnessandrighteousnessleadstoParadise.AmanmayspeakthetruthuntilheisrecordedwithAllahastruthful.Verily,falsehoodleadstowickednessandwickednessleadstotheHellfire.AmanmaytellliesuntilheisrecordedwithAllahasaliar.”[Muslim]
ShaykhYasertaughthiskidsthathewilltolerateanymistaketheymake,andhewillhelpthemwithit.Hedoesnotexpectperfection,andheunderstandsthatmistakescanbealearningopportunity.However,hetaughtthemthathewillnevertoleratelying.Kidslietotheirparentsinordertoprotectthem;thekidsknowtheycannottoleratethetruth.Parentsmustlearntoacceptsomedisappointmentthatcomeswiththeirkids’mistakes.Ultimately,kidslearnfromtheirparents’reactiontostressanddifficulty.Kidslearntoliewhentheirparentsteachthemthetruthiscostly.Forexample,ifparentshearsomethingbreak,theywillcomeintotheroomandaskwhobroketheobject.Theyoungchilddoesn’tknowanybetter,soheorshewillconfess.Theparentsthenpunishthischild.Thenexttimethishappens,thechildwhobroketheobjectwillblamesomeoneelselikehisbrother,saying,“Hedidit!”So,thischildhaslearnedthattruthfulnessisbad.
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7.) Contentment and Reliance on Allah
“Satanthreatensyouwithpovertyandordersyoutoimmorality,whileAllahpromisesyou
forgivenessfromHimandbounty.AndAllahisall-EncompassingandKnowing.”Surahal-Baqarah,2:268
Contentmentisthekeytohappiness.Manyparents,husbands,andwivesmakehappinesstheirgoal;thisisoneoftheworstgoalsbecausetheyaresettingthemselvesupforfailure.Youcannotmake“happy”yourgoalbecauseonceyoureachthatgoal,youcanreachthehigherlevelof“happier”.Andonceyoureachthatgoal,youcanbeevenhappier!Withthismindset,youwillneverbehappy.
“AndyourLordisgoingtogiveyou,andyouwillbesatisfied.”Surahad-Duhaa,93:5
Allah saysthatHewillgiveyou(OMuhammad )untilyouaresatisfied,nothappy.
Happy
Happier
Happier
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“Andheisgoingtobesatisfied.”Surahal-Layl,92:21
Allah revealedthisayahaboutAbuBakeAl-Siddiq .Heshallbecontentandpleased.Again,welearnthatcontentmentisthegoal.Ifwecanachievecontentment,wewillbehappyregardlessofthecircumstances.ThereisanArabicpoemthatsaysifyouhaveacontentheart,thenyouownthiswholeworldontopofyourhead.Youarehappywithwhateveryoueat.Contentmentisanintrinsicvaluethatwedevelopbydoingourpart,andthendeliveringeverythingtoAllah.Thisistawakkul;Idomypart,then,yaAllah,itisinYourHand.Whatevertheresultsare,IwillbecontentbecauseIdideverythingIcould.So,ifyourkidsbreakbadafteryougivethemthebestIslamicupbringing,don’tdespair.Youtriedyoubest.Nuh spent950yearsgivingda’wahyethisownsonandwifedisbelievedinhim.8.) Earning Halal and Eating Halal
“Oyouwhohavebelieved,eatfromthegoodthingswhichWehaveprovidedforyouandbe
gratefultoAllahifitis[indeed]Himthatyouworship.”Surahal-Baqarah,2:172Thisremainsoneofthehardestprinciplesinourtimes.Unfortunately,thehalalisintertwinedwithalotofharam.Tryyourbest,anddon’tcompromisemuch.Ifyoursituationbecomesdifficult,continuetostriveforthehalal.Ifyouneedtobreaktherulesfordirecircumstances,yourkidsneedtoknowthatitisnotthenorm.9.) Gratefulness and Thankfulness
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“Theymadeforhimwhathewilledofelevatedchambers,statues,bowlslikereservoirs,andstationarykettles.[Wesaid],‘Work,OfamilyofDavid,ingratitude.’AndfewofMyservants
aregrateful.”SurahSaba,34:13Thisconcepttiesinwithcontentment.Manyparentspushtheirchildrentobeungrateful.Sometimesthewifemaycausethehusbandtobeungratefulandviceversa.Forexample,ifyourchildorspouseisalwaysusingthephrase“That’sit?”,youaredealingwithaningrate.Thatphrasemoreorlessequateswith,“Iexpectedmorethanthis!”Wheneverwegotoarestaurant,weorderfoodlikethere’snotomorrow.Yetthereremainsalotofexcessfood,whichisusuallythrownaway.10.) Holding on to the Path of Steadfastness
“Soremainonarightcourseasyouhavebeencommanded,[you]andthosewhohaveturned
backwithyou[toAllah],anddonottransgress.Indeed,HeisSeeingofwhatyoudo.”SurahHud,11:112
IbnKhaldunexplainedthatdifficulttimesproducestrongmen.Weneedtoteachourkidsthatduringdifficulttimes,westaystrong.Wedonothideorrunaway.Teachthemthattheyarehuman;iftheweaken,theymustrecalibrate.Iftheyneedhelp,theyshouldreachoutforhelp.11.) Standing for Justice
“Oyouwhohavebelieved,bepersistentlystandingfirmforAllah,witnessesinjustice,anddo
notletthehatredofapeoplepreventyoufrombeingjust.Bejust;thatisnearertorighteousness.AndfearAllah;indeed,AllahisAcquaintedwithwhatyoudo.”
Surahal-Ma’idah,5:8Wedonotteachourchildrentostandforjustice;instead,weteachthemtofightforwhatistheirs.Whenplayingmusicalchairsinthewest,therewillonlybe9seatsavailablewhilethereare10kidsplaying.So,thereisaprocessofeliminationasallthekidsfightforaseat.
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WhenplayingmusicalchairsinJapan,therewillbe9seatsavailablewhilethereare10kidsplaying.Whenthemusicstops,theplayersmustfindameanstohaveeveryoneseatedbeforetimerunsout.Evenifjustonekidisnotseated,thewholeteamloses.Thisdifferenceinmentalitymanifestshowweteachourkidstobeselfishandfightforthemselves,evenitifentailshurtingotherpeople.Othersocietiesteachthatweallenjoytogetherandwintogether.12.) Respect one another ‘Abdullahb.‘AmrnarratedthattheMessengerofAllah said,“Heisnotofuswhodoesnot
havemercyonyoungchildren,norhonortheelderly.”[Tirmidhi]Thisisespeciallyimportantbetweensiblingsandchildren.Forexample,ifyouhaveguestscomingoverwiththeirkids,theremaybeafightovertoys.Theirchildwantstoplaywiththetoy,butyourownchildsays,“No,it’smytoy!”Insteadofhandingoverthetoycompletelytotheotherchild,theycantaketurns.13.) Dealing with people is dealing with Allah
“[Saying],"WefeedyouonlyforthecountenanceofAllah.Wewishnotfromyourewardor
gratitude.”Surahal-Insan,76:9Alwaysremember,youarekindandgoodtoothersnotbecausethepeoplenecessarilydeserveit,butbecauseyoudeservetodotherightthingallthetime.Don’tbearrogantwhentryingtobegoodtoothers(e.g.IambeingkindtoyouforAllah,notbecauseyouactuallydeserveit).Rather,begoodtootherswhiletrulybelievingthatyouneedtotreatotherswell.14.) Striving to be a successful family
“And[recall]whenWetookyourcovenant,[OChildrenofIsrael,toabidebytheTorah]andWeraisedoveryouthemount,[saying],"TakewhatWehavegivenyouwithdetermination
andrememberwhatisinitthatperhapsyoumaybecomerighteous."Surahal-Baqarah,2:63
AsMuslims,webelieveinthisprinciple.However,inthissociety,thisprincipledoesnotresonateasmuch.Whenkidsturn14yearsold,theyaremoreorlessconsideredfreetomakedecisionsforthemselvesandevenleavethehome.Asfamilies,wemuststriveto
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ensurethatourkidsaresuccessful.WewillstandbeforeAllah ,andHewillaskusaboutourchildren.Weneedtoensurethattheyarefulfillingobligationssuchasprayer.Wewillnotberesponsibleforthedecisionstheymakewhentheyareolder.15.) Time is the life capital
“Bytime,indeed,mankindisinloss,exceptforthosewhohavebelievedanddonerighteous
deedsandadvisedeachothertotruthandadvisedeachothertopatience.”Surahal-‘Asr,103:1-3
ImamShafi’isaidthatifpeopleweretoponderjustthissurah,itwouldbesufficientforthemtogainguidanceandrighteousness.Thissurahreallydoessummarizeeverythingaboutourexistence.Werealizethatlifeistimethathasanexpirationdate.Allahswearsbytimethateverysoulisinaconstantstateofloss.Wegrowolderandweakerastimepasses.However,Allahsaysthatpeoplewhohavethefollowingfourqualitieswillbesavedfromloss:faith,gooddeeds,advisingeachothertotruth,andadvisingeachothertopatience.You’reonlystrongwhenyoucompletethefirsttwoaspectsproperly.Whatmakesyouweakisthegapbetweenwhatyoulearned/believeinandwhatyoudo.Thisgapcontributestohypocrisy.Thegreaterthegap,theweakeryouare.Thesmallerthegap,the
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strongeryouare.Yourentirelifeisaboutclosingthatgapbetweenwhatyouknowandwhatyouactuallypractice.Weneedtolearnmore,andthenimplementthatknowledge.Allah knowsthatwearehumanbeingswhoareweakindividuals.Thus,Heemphasizestheimportanceofhelpingeachother( ).Whenweareenjoininggoodandassistingothers,don’texpectpeopletobehappywithyouradvice.Theymayrebel.That’swhyweneedtopersevereinpatience( ).Whenitcomestofamilylife,wearecurrentlyreceivinginformation.Howmuchweactuallypracticethatinformationisourbusiness.Webecomeweakerwhenwedon’timplementtheseprinciples.Weneedtobeauthentic,genuine,andreal.Theonlywaytoachievethisisbyalwaysclosingthegap.
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Chapter 2: The Life of a Muslim Couple The Etiquette of a Husband and Wife
PRINCIPLESOFMARITALLIFEMarriageisadivinelyinspiredinstitution.Allah revealeditsrulesandprinciplesintheQur’an,andtheMessenger livedtheseprinciplesthroughhisblessedfamilylife.Inourtimes,peoplearetryingtochangetheinstituteofmarriageandthedefinitionoffamily.However,becausemartiallifeisdivinelyinspired,itcannotbehanged.Themostimportantrelationshipweneedtonurtureandnourishistherelationshipbetweenhusbandandwife.Ifthisrelationshipishealthy,itwillultimatelyhelpfixotherrelationships.What’sthepointofhavingagoodrelationshipwithyourkidsifyoudon’thaveagoodrelationshipwithyourspouse?Marriage is a sacred covenant
“Andhowcouldyoutakeitwhileyouhavegoneinuntoeachotherandtheyhavetakenfrom
youasolemncovenant?”Surahal-Nisa,4:21Thisayahisspeakinginthecontextofdivorce;howcanyoudemandthemahrbackwhenyouhavegoneinuntoeachotherandtheyhavetakenfromyouthestrongcovenant?ThecovenantisthewordofAllah thatmadetherelationshipandactionhalalbetweenhusbandandwife.Allahhascalledmarriageastrongcovenant.Noonecanchangethismeaningorprinciple.Successful marriage is based on love and mercy
“AndofHissignsisthatHecreatedforyoufromyourselvesmatesthatyoumayfind
tranquilityinthem;andHeplacedbetweenyouaffectionandmercy.Indeedinthataresignsforapeoplewhogivethought.”Surahal-Rum,30:21
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Loveisthepassionwhilemercyisthecompassion.Astimepasses,theremaynotbeasmuchpassion,butyoualwaysneedcompassion.Spousesmaynotloveoneanothertothesameextenttheydidearlyintherelationshipwhentheywereyounger,buttheystillcareforoneanother.Sometimes,awomanwillstayinarelationshipbecauseshefeelsbadtoleaveherhusband;so,sheisnotactingonlovebutrathermercy.Likewise,amancanstayinarelationshipoutofmercytothekids.The best example is the example of the Messenger of Allah ‘A’ishah narratedthattheMessengerofAllah said,“Thebestofyouishewhoisbest
tohisfamily,andIamthebestamongyoutomyfamily.”[Tirmidhi]Weneedtofollowhisexampletoachievesuccessfulrelationshipswithourownfamilies.There is no such thing as a perfect couple, but there is a perfect work in progress AbuHurayrah narratedthattheMessengerofAllah said,“Abelievingman(husband)
doesnotdetestabelievingwoman(wife).Ifhedislikessomethingfromher,hewilllikeanother.”[Muslim]
Thereissomethingfundamentallywrongifahusbandorwifehatesthespouse.SomethingismissingintherelationshipbecausetheProphet saidthatatruebelievercannothavethatmuchhateinone’sheartforthespouse.Thereisnosuchthingasaperfectmarriageoraperfectspouse,butthereisalwaysoneinthemaking.Keeptryinguntiltheveryend.Youwillrealizeyouhadawonderfultimewhenyouretire.Youwilllookbackandsay,“Wow,whatajourney!”InthemoveUp,Mr.FredricksenseesanoteinEllie’sscrapbookthankinghimforthewonderfuljourneyandencouraginghimtogooutandhaveanotherone.Youonlyrealizehowbeautifulthejourneyiswhenyoucometotheendoftheroad.Duringtimesofdifficulty,youusuallythinkoftheworst-casescenarios.
“Happinessisonlyaperiodbetweentwohardships;andlifeisfullofhardships.”~ShaykhYaserBirjas~
Lifehasitsupsanddowns.Todayyoumaybehappy,andtomorrowyouwon’tbesohappy.Sometimes,excessivegriefcanbeasourceofgreatrelief.InthemovieInsideOut,RileyandherfamilymovefromMinnesotatoSanFrancisco.RileywantstoreturntoMinnesota,sosherunsawayfromherparentsandboardsabus.Shecomestoamomentofsuchextremesadnessthateventhemostbeautifulgoldenmemoriesturnblue.Thatexcessivesadnessandgriefleadtoreliefasshegotoffthebusandreturnedhome.So,sometimeswewill
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havetocryourselvestosleepsothatwewakeupthenextdayrefreshed.Thisisnotthebesthabittodoonadailybasis,butwewillhavetogothroughsomedifficulttimestoenjoyandappreciatethegood.Marriage is partnership, not ownership
UmmSulaym narratedthattheMessengerofAllah said,“Womenaremen’scounterparts.”[Ahmadandothers]
Insomecultures,onceamanandwomangetmarried,thewomanbecomesthepropertyofthefamily.Inwesternculture,thewomanevenchangesherlastnametothehusband’slastname.InSouthernAmerican,thechildisbornwithboththemotherandfather’slastname:thefather’slastnamebecomesthechild’smiddlename,andthemother’slastnamebecomesthechild’slastname(orviceversa).Peoplefearlosingtheirfamilyline.ButtheProphet taughtusthatwomenarecounterpartstomen.So,menandwomencompleteoneanother;theydon’tcompeteagainstoneanother.WhenShaykhYasercounselscouples,sometimesthehusbandmaycomplain,saying,“Mywifejustdoesn’tget.Shedoesn’tseethingsthewayIseeit!”TheShaykhwillrespondthatheisluckybecausethismeanshemarriedalady!Ifsheseeseverythingthewayhedoes,thenthemanactuallymarriedanotherdude!Somemenwanttheirwivestobeinsyncwitheverythingtheythink,butthisisnotthecorrectmentalitytohave.Biologicallyspeaking,ahumanbeingismadeoftwocomponents:themasculineandthefeminine.So,amanmaybe90%manand10%woman.Andawomanmaybe90%womanand10%man.Whydoweneedtheotherpart?Inordertoconnectwiththeoppositegender.Basedonone’supbringing,amanmayactuallyincreaseto15%womanandbecomeemotionallysmarter;thiswillultimatelyallowhimtoconnectbetterwithhiswife.Butincreasingthewomancounterparttoomuchisnotgood.Forexample,whenthewifeiscrying,shedoesn’tnecessarilywantherhusbandtocomeandcrywithher.Shewillgetconfused!InherbookSaveTheMales,WhyMenMatterWhyWomenShouldCare,authorKathleenParkerexplainshowwesterncultureandHollywoodhas“girlified”men.ThewayTVportraysmenisinaccurate.It’snotrightwhenagirlmarriesamanwhoistoosoft.Amanmaysaythathiswifecomplainstoomuch.ShaykhYaserBirjasexplainsthatthisisverygoodsignbecauseitkeepsthehusbandawakeandalert.Itisahealthysign:shefeelssafeenoughtobringuphercomplaintswithherhusbandwithoutfearofbeingcondemned.Ahusbandshouldbeconcernedwhenthewomanistooquiet.
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RIGHTSANDOBLIGATIONSMostcouplescometoShaykhYaserforcounseling,saying,“Wewantyoutotelluswhattodo.Whataretherightsandobligations?”TheShaykhfeelssadforthem;herealizesthatthereisaproblemwithloveandmercywhencouplesfightoverissuesofrightsandobligations.IntheQur’an,Allah doesnotmentiontheserightsindetail.Rather,Healwaysreferstothembilma’roof(whatiscustomaryandculturallypracticedatthattime).Fixingissuespertainingtorightsandobligationsiseasy.Fixingloveandmercyrequiresmoreattention;oncethisisfixed,therightsandobligationswillfallintoplaceverywell.Whenspousesloveoneanother,theyarewillingtogiveupsomeoftheirrightstopleasetheotherperson.So,insteadoffightingforrightsandobligations,fightforloveandmercy.
“Oyouwhohavebelieved,itisnotlawfulforyoutoinheritwomenbycompulsion.Anddonotmakedifficultiesfortheminordertotake[back]partofwhatyougavethemunlesstheycommitaclearimmorality.Andlivewiththeminkindness.Forifyoudislikethem-perhaps
youdislikeathingandAllahmakesthereinmuchgood.”Surahal-Nisa,4:19
MarriageinIslamisacontract,andjustlikeanycontract,itcomeswithprovisions.Allahsaystolivewiththeminkindness.Thiskindnessisaccordingtowhatiscustomaryfor
yourtime.AndAllahremindsusthatwemaydislikethem,buttheremaybemuchkhairforusinourspouses.Marriagedoesn’talwayshavetobeaboutlove.Ifyouareplanningonsustainingyourmarriagesolelyonlove,youwillnotbeableto.Loveisanemotion,andyouhavenocontroloveremotions.Youonlyhavecontroloveryourbehaviorandactions.Weneedtocreatealovingenvironmentinordertorekindlesentimentallove.Theconceptofbilma’roofhelpsusovercomesomestereotypes.Forexample,traditionallyspeaking,itisthewoman’sresponsibilitytowashthedishesandcleanthehouse.However,inanon-traditionalsettinginwhichboththehusbandandwifemaybeworking,wecannotsimplysayitisonlythewife’sjob.Weneedtoadjusttothisnewstyleoflife.Thisisbilma’roof.Similarly,ifawomanismarryingamanwhoisverytraditional,shewillneedtoaccommodatetohispreferencesandexpectthatcleaningwillbeherresponsibility.
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3KINDSOFMARRIAGE1.) Traditional
• Manisthebreadwinnerandwomanisthehomemaker
2.) Egalitarian • Husbandandwifedon’tseeanydifferenceinregardtorightsandobligations• Ladygivesincometothehousehold• Manhelpswithcooking,cleaning,andchildren• Responsibilityissharedequally
3.) Transitional
• Traditionalmarriagemovingintoegalitarianmarriage• Manhasfundamentalroleofbreadwinner,buthewillalsohelparoundhouse• Woman’sjobmostlyhomemaker,butshewillhelpherhusband• Mostmarriagesfallintothiscategory
“…Andduetothewivesissimilartowhatisexpectedofthem,accordingtowhatisreasonable.Butthemenhaveadegreeoverthem[inresponsibilityandauthority].”
Surahal-Baqarah,2:228So,menandwomenhaverightsandobligations,butmenhaveadegreeoverwomen.Allah
didnotspecifywhatkindofdegree,butitisadegreeofresponsibilityinthiscontext.So,themanhasmoreauthority.Inthecorporateworld,thehigheryouclimbinranks,themoreprivilegesyoureceive.However,theseprivilegescomewithahugeamountofresponsibilityandrisk.AllahwillholdthemanaccountableontheDayofJudgmentmorethanthewomanbecauseheistheheadofthehousehold.So,inreturn,hehasextraprivileges.Keepinmindthatwearereferringtoequity,notequality.Menandwomenhavedifferentlevelsofrightsandobligations.Insomeareas,womenarepreferred;inotherareas,menarepreferred.Butwhenyouputthemalltogether,itbecomeseven.
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ü Ifthewifeisworking,doessheneedtocontributetopayingtheexpenses?Itgoesbacktotheconceptofbilma’roof.Inthepast,whenwomenstayedathomeallday,theydidn’tcontributetohouseholdexpenses.Buttoday,wehaveprofessionalwomenworkingfrom7amto5pm.Thewomancannotsay,“Mymoney,mymoney.”That’snotright,andthat’snotfair(unlessthehusbandsaysit’sok).Thehusbanddoeshavearighttohaveherhelpwithexpenses.
RULESOFASUCCESSFULMARRIAGE
1.) Great relationships don’t just happen, they are created • Mostmenandwomen(especiallytheyoungerones)lookforthe“perfect”
person• However,weshouldbelookingforthe“right”personinstead• Ifyoulookforthe“perfect”or“best”person,youmaybelookingforcriteriathat
isnotpractical(also,thispersonmaynotbethebestoneforyou)• Butifyoufindthe“right”person,thatcanbethebestpersonforyou• SomepeoplemayhaveanimagethattheycopyandpastfromTV(e.g.very
religious,educated,goodcook,etc.)• Relationshipsarecreated,theydon’tjusthappen• Itrequireseffort,mustrollupyoursleeves,startworkingonitfromday1
2.) Your marriage, not your job, should get your best energy
• Wemakeexcusesthatwearetoobusyandtired• Thewhole“busy”phenomenonisanAmerican
concept• Othercultureshavelotsoftimeforfamily
(eventhoughtheymaywork2shifts)• Theymanagetheirtimedifferently• Don’tapologizeforwhatyouhavetodo,as
longasitisgoodandright• Remembertocompensateforotheraspects
ofyourlifeatanothertimeo E.g.family,exercising,eatinghealthy
• Menshouldnotschedulefamilytimebytheminute;bespontaneous
3.) If you cannot be happy without your spouse, you won’t be happy together
• Manypeoplemaketheirhappinesscontingentontheirspouse’shappiness• Somemenwanttoforcetheirwivestobehappy
o Ifsheisn’thappy,neitherishe• Weneedtobeindividuallyhappy,itisanintrinsicvalue• Youcanbehappyeveninthemostdifficultsituations
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o E.g.WhenShaykhYaserwasdealingwithBosnianandPalestinianrefugees,hewasdealingwithwidowsandorphans
o Thesepeoplewerestillhappyandcontento Eventhoughtheymayonlyhavesometents,afewmattresses,andavery
oldteaset,theyarehappyo Onemanevensaid,“Ihaveeverything!”o Thisman’shappinesscamefrominside,hecouldthenprovidehiskids
withhappinessaswell
4.) It is possible to hate and love someone at the same time • Whenyouhateyourwifeatthistime,youwillloveheragaininafewhours• It’snottheendoftheworld,theremaybeamomentwhereyouwillrecover• TheProphet toldusthattherecanbebothimanandnifaqpresentinthe
heartatthesametime,thisishowtheheartfluctuateso Whenyoudogooddeeds,imanincreaseso Whenyourgooddeedsgodown,imandecreaseso Samewithloveandhate:needtopracticeloveactionssothatlovewill
increase
5.) Commitment in marriage is a means to freedom, not slavery
• Newphenomenonofyoungmenandwomennotgettingmarriedduetofearofcommitment
• Menmaybehappysingle(abletotravelfreely,playvideogames,playbasketballwiththeirfriends,noresponsibility)
• Theyenvisionmarriageasbeingpinnedtotheground• However,onceyougetmarried,yourlifeperspectivechanges
o Freeyourselffrommanychildishthingso Marriageissupposedtobearightofpassageo Freetobecomeandadult
6.) Commitment is not a one-time thing; it’s an ongoing process
• Marriageisacommitment• Itisnottestingtherelationship• Onceyoucommittolovethem,youmustcontinuewiththem
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7.) Conflicts do not destroy marriages, resentment and withholding do
• Manyhusbandsandwivestrytoavoidconflict• Isithealthytoexposekidstoconflictbetweenmomanddad?
o Sometimesitisgood,youneedtoexposechildrentoacertaindegreeofconflict
o Theyseehowmomanddadgetupsetbutlaterreconcileo Itisatestofreality:evenwhenthingsgobad,theycanstillgetbetter
• Conflictisasignofgrowth,anopportunitytolearnwhatchangedinyourlifethatrequiresyourattention
8.) Your primary relationship is with your spouse and not your children
• Whentherelationshipgoesbadbetweenhusbandandwife,thereisacompetitionoverthekids
• Themotherbecomesoverlyprotectiveo Tryingtoprotectthemfromwhatmaycomenext,suchasabuseor
divorce• Sheattachesherselftothechildrenforemotionalfulfillmentbecauseshedoes
notreceiveitfromherhusband• Sometimes,thehusbandtriestowinthekidsoverbyspoilingthem• Thehusbandandwifefocussomuchonthechildrenthattheylosetheprimary
relationshipbetweenthemselves
9.) It’s never too late to repair a damaged trust • Forexample,hewascheatingonyou
o It’snevertoolatetosalvageadamagedtrusto Thisprocesstakestime
• Canbehardtorestoretrustbecauseofemotionalpaino Injuryoftrustisnotphysicalbutratheremotional
• Menandwomendealwithemotionalpaindifferently• Mendealwithemotionalpainlikephysicalpain
o Ifyouhaveeverbumpedyourkneeorelbowonadeskorchair,itisverypainful
o Butifyouareaskedtolookatthatcorneryouhit(orevenjustrememberitinyourmind),youwouldnotfeelthesamepain
• Emotionalpainisdifferent:itisalwaysfresh,asifitjusthappenednowo Thisishowthehusbandandwifefeelwhendealingwithmistrusto Thus,recoveryisdifficulto Onlyifthecoupletieslooseendsandlearnsemotionalclosurecanthey
restorethetrusto It’snevertoolate,itisdoableandrequirestime,effort,andcommitment
frombothparties
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• Sometimes,mistakeslikethesecanbealearningexperienceinadditiontoafocalpointoftherelationship
o Itcanbeameanstocatapultyoutothebestpartofyourrelationshipo IbnQayyimalJawziyyahsaidthatAllah cantestpeoplewithasin,
whichwillultimatelyprovokerepentance§ Thisrepentanceisunparalleledtoanyotherrepentancethey
wouldhavemadeforothermistakeso Whenweareinourcomfortzone,wehavenowheretoendupo Butwhenwemakeamistake,weimproveourselvesbysaying,“Iwill
neverputmyselfinthatpositionagain”
10.) Expectations usually set us up for resentment • Resentmentisbasedonexpectation• Explainedinmoredetailonpage62
11.) Your opinion is not the truth
• Whenthemanseesthingsacertainway,hethinks,“Thisiswhatitis!”o Samewiththelady
• Wheneverthehusbandandwifefight,theconversationsoundsmorefactualo “Yousaidthis!”o “No,youdidthat!”o “Whataboutlasttime?”o “Whataboutyourmom?”o “Wheredidyougetthatfrom?”o Intheend,thecoupleneverresolvetheissue
• Inanemotionalargument,thefactsandtruthbecomeabsolutelyirrelevant• Noonecareswhoisrightorwrong• Peopleonlycareaboutonething:youhurtme,makemefeelbetter• Ifweareonlytryingtoproveourselvesright,wearemissingthepoint
o Stoptryingtoproveyourspousewrongo Lettheconversationflow,seewhatyourspousereallyneedsinorderto
feelbetter§ Maybeyourspouseneedsahug,kiss,orcupofcoffee§ Trytotakeyourspouseout:let’sgoshopping,let’sgrabicecream
• It’notaboutwhoserightandwrong,it’snotaboutthetrutho Instead,trytofindoutwhathappenedo Then,trytofixthesituationo It’sallabout,“I’mhurt,makemefeelbetter”
12.) Marriage should always be a win/win scenario
• Whydoesithavetobe“Youlose,Iwin”mentality?• Somepeoplefeeltheneedtowineverybattle
o Especiallywhenitcomestothemother• Trytoamendthesituation
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13.) Always appreciate your spouse for the ordinary things • Somepeoplewaitforthebigthingstosaythankyou• Whycan’twesaythankyoufortheordinarythings?
o JazakAllahkhairfortakingthekidstothemasjido Thankyouforthecupofcoffee,Ireallyappreciateito Youlookawesome
• Whenyouappreciatethelittlethings,yourspousewillfeelsatisfied• Spousesneedtofeelappreciated
o Theydon’twanttofeellikewhatthey’redoingisgoingdownthedrain
14.) Possessiveness and jealousy are born out of fear not love • Whywouldaladygrabherhusband’sphone?
o Shemustbelookingforsomethingelseapartfromtimeandweathero Shewantstomakesuresheisok
• Cautionisnecessaryattimes,andjealousycanbeameansofsurvival• Youneedtodothebestthingthatwillreduceyourchancesoflosingyourspouse
o Ifamanfeelsthatheislosinghiswife,heneedstoupgradehimselfo Heneedstolookforwhatismissingandthenaddthattotherelationship
§ E.g.Istherelackofcommunication,nothankyou,notaffectionateenough,notbuyinghergifts,notbeingconsiderateofherfeelings?
o Sameforthelady:sheneedstolookforwhatismissingintherelationshipwithherhusbandandprovidethat
§ E.g.Ishemissingpeaceofmind?
15.) If you think marriage counseling is too expensive, try divorce
• Manycouplesdon’thavepremaritalcounselingbecausetheythink$500istooexpensive
• Yet,theyarewillingtospend$25,000onawedding• Thebesttimetohavemaritalcounselingiswhentherelationshipisongood
terms,notwhenit’snasty• Also,ifthemarriageisgoingintostagnation,thisaredflag
o Thecoupleshouldseekcounseling,theyneeddirectiono Neverunderestimatecounseling,itisevenmentionedintheQur’an:
“Andifyoufeardissensionbetweenthetwo,sendanarbitratorfromhispeopleandan
arbitratorfromherpeople.Iftheybothdesirereconciliation,Allahwillcauseitbetweenthem.Indeed,AllahiseverKnowingandAcquainted[withallthings].”Surahal-Nisa,4:35
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16.) Forgiveness is its own reward, and revenge is its own punishment
• Forgivenesssetsyoufreefromotherpeople• Ifyoualwaysholdagrudge,youanchoryourselftotheperson• Justletgo,andthingswillbefine
17.) It’s not always about you • Ifyourspouseisinabadmood,itdoesn’tnecessarilyhavetodowithyou• Maybehejusthadabaddayatwork• Givehimsometime,andhewillcomearound
18.) Silence can be deafening
• Don’tusesilenceasaweapon,itcanbeverydevastating• Ironically,itisextremelyloud
o E.g.Ahusbandcomesintothehouseandsayssalam,womanrespondswiththesalamandstaysquietwhenhetriestohaveaconversation
o Itisalmostlikesheisyellingthroughhersilenceo Itisnothealthyinarelationshipo However,itisoktobeupsetforsometime
19.) Patience is a lost virtue
• Indepartmentstores,peoplecan’tstandinlinesanymore,theykeepswitchinglines
• Peopleorderonlineandusedrive-throughforfoodandmedicine• Thereisnodrive-throughformarriageorforgivingtheshahada• Ashumanbeings,wehaveaverylimitedreservoirofpatience
o Patiencedecreasesthroughstressinourlifeo Butourpatiencecanincreasewhenwelearntobemoretoleranto Anexperimentwasconductedtotestpeople’stolerance:
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§ Somepeopleinthewaitingroomweretoldtoeatfromeithertheredradishorthecookies
§ Othersweretoldtheycannoteatthecookies§ Aftersometime,theparticipantsweregivenanunsolvablepuzzle§ Researchersdiscoveredthatthosebannedfromthecookiesspent
5-7minuteslesstimeworkingonthepuzzlebeforetheygaveupincomparisontothosewhowereallowedtoeatfromthecookies
§ Why?Becausethosepeoplespentsomeoftheirtoleranceresistingthecookies,sotheyhadlesstolerancethanothersinsolvingthepuzzle
• Thissameconceptalsoworksinmarriageo Theworsttimeforyoutofindemotionalfulfillmentisthefirst10
minuteswhenyougetbackfromworko Peoplecomehomefromworkexpectingfood,aperfecthouse,andkids
behavingo Butitdoesn’tworklikethis,ShaykhYaseradvisespeopletochewgum
thefirst10minuteswhentheymeettheirspouseafteralongday§ Whenyouchewgum,youcannotlookangry§ Asaresult,youalwayshaveasenseofrelief
o Thelast10minutesbeforeyouleaveforworkshouldbeanenjoyabletime
• Weneedtopracticepatienceinourliveso TheProphet said,“Knowledgecomesfromlearningandhilm
(forbearanceandpatience)comesthroughtraining.”
20.) Marriage is not about you being happy; it’s about making someone else happy
• “Andtheylivedhappilyeverafter”àthisisthebiggestlieweweretoldliesaschildren
• Marriagedoesnotmakeyouhappy,itmakesyouresponsible,thisistherealworld
• Youmakeyourselfhappyo Happinessdoesnotdependonyourmarriage
• Somepeoplemaybeinamiserablerelationship,buttheyarestillhappy• Whenyouarehappy,youcangivehappinesstosomeoneelse• Inmarriage,youneedtotrytomakeyourspousehappy• Peoplearehappieringivingratherthantaking
o Samewiththerelationship:dothingsthatmakeyourspousehappy,thingsthataremeaningfultothem(notyou)
o WhatifItriedeverythingbutmyspouseisstillnothappy?Makedua
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FROMTHELIFEOFTHEMESSENGEROFALLAH Dealingwithtroubles–eventheProphethadproblemswithhisfamily:1.) Jealousy TheProphet asked‘A’ishah iftherewasanyfoodbecausehedidn’twantthegueststowaitlong.‘A’ishahoverheardthefootstepsofaservantcomingfromthehouseofHafsah
(keepinmindthat‘A’ishahwasnotaverygoodcook).Themomentsheheardthefootsteps,‘A’ishahjumpedontheservantandhitherarmsoutofjealousy.Theplatedroppedandbroke,andfoodspilledallovertheplace.TheProphet saweverything.Mostothermenwouldreprimandtheirwives,sayingthingslike,“Howcanyoudothis?”and“Youhaveembarrassedmeinfrontofmyguests!”,buttheProphetwasdifferent.Hestartedcollectingthefood,andtoldhisguests,“WhatcanIdo?Sheisveryjealous.”Sometimes,jealousycanbeanissueoftrust.Oneday,theProphet wassleepinginthehouseof‘A’ishah .Whenhethoughtshewasasleep,heleftthehouseinthemiddleofthenight.Shethoughthewasgoingtovisitanotherwife,soshebecameveryjealous.Sheputonherclothesandstartedwalkingafterhim.TheProphet actuallywenttothecemetery(al-Baqee);heraisedhishandsandmadeduaforthedeceased.Thenhereturnstohishouse,headingstraighttowards‘A’ishahwhowashiding.Sheturnedaroundandstartedwalkingfast.TheProphet hastenshisfootsteps,andsodid‘A’ishah.Shereachesthehousebeforehedoes,breathingverilyheavily.Athome,theProphetasksherwhilesheistryingtocatchherbreath,“Wasthatyou?”‘A’ishahfeltveryshy,embarrassed,andawkward.Heaskedher,“AreyouafraidthatAllahandHisMessengerwillbeunfairtoyou?”Outofherloveforhim,shewantedtoreconcilerightaway,soshegoestohughim.ButtheProphet placeshishandonherchestandpushesheraway.Thiswasanaturalreaction(i.e.I’mnotreadyrightnow.Howcanyoudothistome?).TheProphetgotoveritlaterandmovedon.Heknewthatshewasactingoutofloveforhim.2.) Finances TheProphet wasalwaysgenerous,andhealwaysgavehiswiveswhattheydeservedoftheirallowances.TherewasstillmoretreasurecomingfromMadinah,whichhewoulddistribute,andthewivesoftheProphetwantedmore.TherewasanespeciallylargeamountoftreasurecomingfromBahrain;theycomplainedtotheProphet .Umar overheardthem,sohecomesandaskspermissiontoenter.Whenheenters,allthewomencoverupandthenremainquiet.HeasksthemwhytheyraisetheirvoiceswiththeProphet
yettheyareveryquietwhenhecomes.Oneofthemansweredback,sayingthattheProphetisaverykind,tolerant,andpatientpersonwhileUmarisarudeman.Sheexplainedthatitisnoneofhisbusinessandheshouldn’tgetinvolved.So,welearnfromthisincidentthateventhewivesoftheProphet weredemandingintermsoffinances.
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Intraditionalfamiliestoday,manymendon’tdisclosetheirearningstotheirwivesandevenkeeptheirbankaccountssecret.Manytimes,itisbecauseoftheman’sresponsibilitytohisownparents,family,andperhapscousinsoverseas.
3.) Silent treatment ThewivesoftheProphet wouldsometimesgivetheProphetcoldtreatmentduetoissueslikefinances.Umar overheardthis,andheaskedhisdaughterHafsah ,“YaHafsah,isittruethatyoudon’tspeaktotheProphet forsometime?”Shereplied,“Yes,sometimesforthewholedayuntilnight.”Umarsaid,“Mydaughter,don’tdothis.Youarenot‘A’ishah.Shecandoitandgetawaywithit,butyoucan’t.”Shortlyafterwards,rumorsspreadinthecommunitythattheProphet haddivorcedallhiswives.Umar goesstraighttoHafsah whoiscrying.Hesays,“Youdon’tlistentome!”HethenasksheriftheProphethaddivorcedher,butshewasn’tsure.So,heleftinsearchoftheProphet whohadisolatedhimselfabovethehouseof‘A’ishah (sohewasinaroomsimilartoaloftwhile‘A’ishahwasinthelowerlevel).Umaraskedpermissiontoenterthreetimes,andhewasfinallygivenpermission.HesawtheProphet
leaningonhisside,lookingveryupset.UmartriedtobreaktheicebysayinghowmenhadmorecontrolinMakkahandhowtheAnsariwomeninMadinahweremoreoutspokenwithstrongerpersonalities.HegoesontoexplainhowtheMakkanwomenstartedlearningfromtheMadinanwomenandhowhisownwifeevenrespondedbacktohim!TheProphet hadabigsmileonhisface,andheunderstoodUmar’swords.Umar thenfeltmorerelaxed,sohesatdownandaskedtheProphetifhehaddivorcedhiswives.TheProphet saidno,buthegaveanoathnottoapproachthemforanentiremonth(similartoakindofboycott).So,thewivesweregivinghimsilenttreatment,sohewasgivingthemsilenttreatmentinreturn.After29days,theProphet returned,startingwiththehouseof‘A’ishah .Hewasexcitedtobeback,andyouwouldthinkthat‘A’ishahwouldbetoo,saying“Thankyou”and“I’msosorry”.Instead,shesaid,“Well,themonthisnotoveryet!”TheProphet couldhavejustleft,buthesaidthemonthcanbelikethis(flashing30days)orlikethis(flashing29days).Hewasmoreorlesssaying,bequiet,let’sgetoverit,andmoveon.
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4.) In-laws EventhemostprecioushouseoftheProphet hadissues.‘A’ishah wasn’tjealousofanyonemorethanFatimah .TherelationshipbetweentheProphet andFatimahwascertain(i.e.connectedbyblood),buttherelationshipbetweentheProphetand‘A’ishahwasuncertain(i.e.hecoulddivorceher).So,wheneverFatimahcame,‘A’ishahwouldhaveherguardupbecausetheProphet didnotofferhisfullattentionto‘A’ishah.WhiletheProphet wasonhisdeathbed,Fatimahsatdownnexttohim.Hewhisperedsomethingtoher,andstartedcrying.Hethenwhisperedtoheragain,andshethenstartedlaughing.‘A’ishahlateraskedFatimahaboutthisincident,butsheexplainedthatitwasherfather’ssecretwhichshewillnotdisclose.About6monthslater,Fatimahtells‘A’ishahabouttheconversation:thefirsttimehewhisperedtoherthathewillbeleaveningthisworld,andthesecondtimehewhisperedtoherthatshewillbejoininghiminJannah.Fatimahpassedawayabout6monthsafterthepassingoftheProphet .Once,theProphet cametothehouseofFatimah ,andheaskedher,“Whereisyourcousin?”TheProphetnoticedthatshewasnotinherbestmood,andheknewtherewasanissuegoingonbetweenherandherhusband.EventhequestiontheProphetaskedembodiesdeepmeaning;inthetribalsystem,whenyouasksomeonewherehisorhercousinis,itisastatementoftahbeeb,awaytosoftentheheart.TheProphet istryingtobreaktheicebyremindingFatimahthatherhusbandisalsohercousin.Shesays,“Idon’tknow.Somethinghappened,andhejustleft.”Fromsomenarrations,FatimahdidnotdisclosewhathappenedtotheProphet.Shewantedtoberespectfultoherhusband,soshekeptthingsjustbetweenthem.Nowadays,wheneveranissuecomesupbetweenahusbandandwife,thewifecallshermomandtellshereverything,whichlaterspreadstothefather,brothers,etc.Likewise,thehusbandcansometimescallhismomorsisteranddiscloseallthedetails.TheProphet sentsomeonetofindAli becauseFatimahneededemotionalsupportfromherhusbandatthattime.Hestayedwithherinthemeantime.TheyreceivednewsthatAliisinthemasjid,sotheProphetwentstraightover.TheProphetfoundAlionthefloorwithdustalloverhisbody;hewasagitated,flippingleftandright.TheProphet wokehimupandsaid,“Getupdustyman.”So,hetookAlihomeandreconciledbetweenhimandhiswife.Lookatthisbeautifulexample!TheProphet dealtwithin-lawissues,buthedidn’ttakesidesorargueabouttheproblem.Rather,hejustwantedtoreconcilebetweentheirhearts.Butinseriousmattersthatrequiredintervention,theProphetwouldaddresstheissuewithhisson-in-law.Forexample,AliwantedtomarryanotherwifewhohappenedtobethedaughterofAbuJahl(shewasMuslim).Fatimah becameupsetandtoldherfather.TheProphet pulledAliasideandaskedhimifitweretrue.Hethensaid,“Iswearby
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Allah,itisneverpossiblethatthedaughteroftheMessengerofAllahandthedaughteroftheenemyofAllahwillbewiththesameman.”Hewastellinghimthathecan’tdothis.TheProphet wasnotobjectingtoAlihavingasecondwife,buthewasobjectingspecificallytohischoice.Ali nevermarriedasecondwifeduringthelifetimeoftheProphetorFatimah(untilshepassedaway).Dealings with love1.) Being playful with love It’sallaboutstrengtheningloveandmercy;rightsandobligationswillfallinrightplaceafterwards.‘A’ishah wasoncewiththeProphet .Thecaravanwentwayaheadofthem,sotheProphetsaid,“Let’srace!”Heactuallystartedrunningwithhiswife!Canyouimaginethat?Somepeoplearesoconservative,theycannotevenimaginetheProphetrunning.Akhi,takeiteasy.Thiswasamanandhiswiferunninginthedesert,havingfun.‘A’ishahwonthefirsttime,butlateronwhenshewasolderandhadgainedsomeweight,theyracedagainandtheProphet won.
2.) Eating food can be romantic Atleastonemealshouldbeeatentogetherwiththefamily.Imagineifthehusbandandwifefeedeachotherinthemostbeautifulway.ShaykhYasseralwayspraiseshiswife’scookinginfrontofthekids,andthekidslearnedfromhim.Oneday,theProphet waseatingwith‘A’ishah .Shehadinherhandapieceofmeat,andasshewaseating,theProphetaskedhertohandhimthemeat.Shegavehimthepieceofmeat,andhetookabitefromwhereshehadeatenfromwhileshewaslookingathim.Itwasaveryromanticmoment.‘A’ishah wasoncedrinkingfromacup,andtheProphet askedforit.Hetookthecup,turneditaround,anddrankfromthesamespotwhereherlipswere.Makesureyouhaveyourkidsseeyoufeedingeachother.
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3.) He was a man of chivalry TheProphet wasalwaystheretoassisthiswives.Forexample,Saffiyah wastyringtojumponacamel,sotheProphetkneeleddownforher,andsheusedhiskneeasastep.Asshewasjumpingoverthecamel,theProphetwascoveringherfrombehindsothatshewouldn’tbeexposed.Inourtimes,wecanfollowthisexamplebyopeningthedoorforourspouse.4.) Acts of service ‘A’ishah saidthattheProphet wasattheserviceofhisfamilyuntiltheadhaanwascalled–afterthat,hewasgone,likeastranger.So,whenhewasaroundthehouse,hewouldhelpalot.Healsotookcareofhisownshirtandshoes.Butobviously,‘A’ishahwantedtoserveProphettoo.Itwasamatterofcompletionthatcamefromlove.5.) Pranks are always welcome Funpranksareok,buttheyshouldnotbedisrespectful.TheProphet ,‘A’ishah ,andSawda‘ wereonceeatingamealinthehouseoftheProphet.Sawdaismucholderthan‘A’ishah(shewasprobablytheageofhermother).Sawdawasinthecampof‘A’ishah,underherleadership.‘A’ishahwasnotaverygoodcook,andshepresentedthemwithfoodthatwasabitgreasy.TheProphet startedeating,buthedidn’tsayanything.‘A’ishahstartseatingtoo,andsheasksSawdawhysheisn’teatinganything.Sawdaresponds,“Idon’tlikeit.”‘A’ishahsays,“Youwilleat,orI’mgoingtospraythisinyourface!”So,shegrabssomefoodandrubsitinSawda’sface.Sawdaissoshocked,andshelooksattheProphet whoisluaghingandgesturingthatsheshouldretalite.So,Sawdarubsthefoodis‘A’ishah’sfacetoo.AVOIDINGCONFLICT–THEVICIOUSCYCLEOFCONFLICT
HEREACTS WITHOUTLOVE
SHEREACTS
WITHOUTRESPECT
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Theviciouscycleofconflictisthereasonwhythehusbandandwifeneversolveaproblem.Whatthehusbandneedsthemostfromhiswifeisrespect.Whatthewifeneedsthemostfromherhusbandislove.Loveandrespectarethesamething,butmenandwomenspeakdifferentdialects.Whenwedeliverloveorrespect,wemustmakesureitismeaningfultoyourspouse,evenifitdoesn’tmakesensetoyou.WhenShaykhYaseraskedmenhowtheycanreceiverespectfromtheirwives,thenumber1answerwascookinggoodfoodontime.Formen,itisnotaboutthefooditself,butratherhavingawifewhocaresthathewasoutallday.WhenShaykhYaseraskedwomenwhattheywantthemostfromtheirhusbands,thenumber1answerwasactsofservicesuchashelpingaroundthehouse.Theywanthimtocare,notnecessarilyworkmore.The Love and Respect Spiral Whenitstartswithalittlethingandendsupwithamess.Saythatthewifecooksanamazingdinnerandhasthehousereadyforherhusband.Afterdinner,thehusbandgoestothelivingroomwhilethewifepreparessweetsandcoffee.Sheasks,“Honey,what’sonTV.”Heresponds,“Dust.”(i.e.theTVisdirty).Howdoyouexpectthewifetoreact?Herespondedwithoutlove.So,shewillrespondwithoutrespect,andsays,“Whydon’tyougocleanityourself!”Themansays,“Watchyourtongue.”Shesays,“No,youwatchyourtongue!”Thenthereisahugeargument.Hewillrespondwithevenlesslove,andshewillrespondwithevenrespect.Itbecomesafullcircle,andwhenthatcirclebecomesfull,anewcirclestarts(similartoaspiral).Whatisthesolution?Youmustreverseit.Theshortestdistancebetweentwopointsisastraightline.So,gofrompointBstraighttopointAbycuttingthroughallthelayers.ThissolutionismentionedintheQur’an:
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“AndwhoisbetterinspeechthanonewhoinvitestoAllahanddoesrighteousnessandsays,"Indeed,IamoftheMuslims.Andnotequalarethegooddeedandthebad.Repel[evil]bythat[deed]whichisbetter;andthereupontheonewhombetweenyouandhimisenmity[willbecome]asthoughhewasadevotedfriend.Butnoneisgranteditexceptthosewhoare
patient,andnoneisgranteditexceptonehavingagreatportion[ofgood].AndiftherecomestoyoufromSatananevilsuggestion,thenseekrefugeinAllah.Indeed,HeistheHearing,the
Knowing.”SurahFussilat,41:33-36It’sallaboutsubmissiontoAllah andrespondingwiththatwhichisbest.What’smeaningoftheseayat?Listen,youclaimtobelieve:thensubmit!Sometimesyouwillseerulesandcommandsthatyourarenothappywith,butiftheycomefromAllah,thensubmit!LikeIbrahim whenhesenthiswifeandkidtodesertandwaslatercommandedtosacrificehisson;hedidn’thesitate.Nowadays,ouregocangetinthewayofobeyingtheteachingsoftheProphet .Idon’twanthimtowin,Idon’twanthertowin.Respond with that which is best Thegoodandthebadarenotequal.Alwaysrespondwiththatwhichisbest.Allahsaysidfa’(pushàputfortheffort,startsweating,needsalotofwork).Hedidn’t’say‘imal(do).Respondwiththatwhichisbest.Usually,whensomeonewrongsyou,youmostlylikelyrespondwiththatwhichisworst,notevenequal.Sometimes,wefallverylowfromwhatisexpectedofus.
BEST
BETTER
GOOD
EQUAL
BAD
WORSE
WORST
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Allah emphasizestheimportanceofstrivingthebestlevel.Ifwefallshortofthe“best”level,wewouldatleastachieve“better”or“good”.Butifwealwaysreachthe“equal”levelinanattempttoretaliate,whenwefallshort,wewillreachthe“bad”,“worse”,or“worst”level.Respondingwiththatwhichisbestisnotnecessarilyeasy,butAllahtellsusthatifwecontinuewiththispath,thehostilitymayturnintofriendship.Yourgoodmannerscanreallychangeaperson.Allahremindsusthatitwillnotbeeasy,andonlythosewhotrulyperceiveandarepatientcanpassthattest.Ifyou’renotoneofthem,thenbecomeoneofthem.Thosewhoarepatientwillbegrantedgreatreward.Remember,therewardisfromAllah,notthepeople.You’renotdoingittoreceivea“thankyou”,butbecauseyouneedtodotherightthing.Allahremindsusthatwearehumanbeings.Therecanbetimeswherewejustlostit.Ithappens,it’snottheendoftheworld.IfShaytandistractsyouandwhisperstoyou,seekfeugewithAllah.Recalibrate,dotherightthing,andmoveon.Keeptryingandtrying!Non-stopeffort.Hopefullyyouwillbeabletopasstest.Forgive and Forget Requires Momentum
“Whospend[inthecauseofAllah]duringeaseandhardshipandwhorestrainangerandwho
pardonthepeople-andAllahlovesthedoersofgood.”SurahAle-Imran,3:134Somepeopleholdtheirangerandforgiveyou,buttheyneverforget.Wemustholdouranger,forgive,andforget.Thisprocessrequiresmomentum.Forgivingandforgettingsetsyoufreeandbringsyoupeace!Ifyoudon’tforgiveandforgetyouwillbedictatedbyemotionsyouexpectfromotherpeople.Ifyoudidtherightthink,whocareswhatotherpeoplesay?THETRAPOFEXPECTATIONThisisthenumber1reasonforyoungcouplestogetadivorce.Whentalkingtothesecouples,ShaykhYasernotedthatthetopwordtheyuseis“expect”andallitsderivatives.Thesecondmostcommonlyusedwordis“understand”.Expectationsareanormalpartofanearlymarriage.InLoveNotes,wediscussedthe5phasesofmarriage:inlove,honeymoon,disappointment,adjustment,andautopilotphase.Inthedisappointmentphase,it’sallaboutthetrapofexpectation.DuringShaykhYaser’scounseling,thesecondpartofthemarriageprofileistheDNAoftheproblem.Thisreferstoadeepunderlyingthemethatkeepscomingupintherelationshipoverandoveragain.Thisthemecanactuallybetriggeredbyoneearlyproblem(e.g.somethingthathasbeensaidordoneinthepast).Oneofthebiggestproblemsis
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uncertainty.Thefirstmanifestationofuncertaintyisanger.Angerisnevertheproblem;itisonlyasymptomtoadeeperproblem.Weneedtodifferentiatebetweenangerasafeelingandactingangrilyasabehavior.Asafeeling,youcanhaveasmuchangerasyouwant.Butintermsofbehavior,ifyouactangrilyanditbecomesahabit,youneedtochange.Mosthusbandandwifecouplesdealwithangerbyremainingsilentforafewdays,thentheycomebacktogether.Theybreaktheice,moveon,andneversolvedproblem.Uncertaintybreedsanxiety,andyourbrainstartspreparingyoufortheworstcasescenario.Anxietyisactuallythebrain’swayoftryingtodefendyouasitpreparesyouforthefightorflightresponse.Whenyouareunabletodealwiththefightorflightresponse,yougetsoscaredanddevelopafearoftheunknown.“Whatif?”scenarioskeepracingthroughyourbrain.Itbecomessooverwhelmingandunbearablethatyouusuallystarttogiveupandbecomenumb.Youbecomeverycold,youdon’tknowwhattodo,andyougointoamodeofresentment,givingpeoplesilenttreatment.Itcanleadtodepressionandyoucangeteasilytickedoffasyoulashoutatpeople.Overall,angerisonlyasymptomofuncertainty.
Solution Communication,notspeculation.Ifyoudon’tshareinformation,peoplewillmaketheirown.Fixtheuncertaintyboxbecausethentherewillbenoanxiety,resentment,oranger.Whatisthefirstsignthatyourstartingtodealwithuncertainty?Criticism.Whenyourspousestartscriticizingyou,heorsheisdealingwithsomeuncertainty(e.g.newdevelopment,newchange,newinformation,somevaluablestheydon’thavecontrolover).Thisuncertaintythenleadstoanxiety,etc.So,whenyourspousestartscriticizing,besmartandstartinvestigatinginaniceway.Trytofindoutwhatthesituationis.Onceyoufindout,dealwithit.Mostpeopletrytosolvethisproblembycontrollingthevariables.Peoplebecomeverycontrolling,theywanttocontroltheirspouse,wheretheygo,whattheydrive,whattheywork,howmuchtheyget,etc.Theydon’twanttoleaveanythingtouncertainty,andthisisasignofinsecurity.Butremember,peoplecanonlytoleratecontroltoacertainlimit.
Anxiety
FearoftheUnknown
Uncertainty
Resentment
Anger
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Beyondthatlimit,webreak.Soremember,controlisnotthesolution.Acertainleveloftrustneedstobemaintained.Mostpeoplecontroleachotherbyharshcriticismwhichisultimatelyanattempttocontrolhowyouthink,feel,behave.Themother-in-lawtriestosizedownthedaughter-in-lawbycriticizingher(e.g.food)inanattempttocontrolher.Inordertoremoveuncertainty,youneedtomaketheuncertainlessuncertainwithinformationyouobtainthroughcommunication.Forexample,ifthereistensionbetweenahusbandandwifeconcerninglivingconditionsandexpenses,thehusbandshouldopenlycommunicatewiththewifethatheisjob-huntingandtakingsuchandsuchstepstosecuretheirfuture.Ifyou’renotagoodcommunicator,youmustlearnhowtocommunicate.
CHAPTER THREEParents - The Guardians
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CHAPTER 3: PARENTS, THE GUARDIANS BIRR’L-WALIDAYN
THEMEANINGOFBIRR’L-WALIDAYN“Barr”intheArabiclanguagemeansopenspacewithnoboundaries.Therefore,theword“birr”in“birr’l-walidayn”meanstosharekhairandkindnesswithyourparentswithnolimits.Allah referstotheangelsintheQuranas“kiraminbarara”andthepeopleofJannahas“abrar.”“Barara”fortheangelscomesfromgoodness,“birr.”Meaningtheangelsaregoodinessence.Whereas“abrar”forthepeopleofJannahcomesfromtheactionsthatmadethepeoplegood,“barr.”Whatmakesahumanbeinggoodisnottheessence,buttheoutcomeofhisorheractions.Whatmakesangelsgoodistheessenceoftheircreationitself.Islisteningtoyourparentsconsideredbirr’l-walidayn?Doyouhavetogiveyourparentsmoney?Doyouhavetocareforthemphysically?Absolutely,therearenoboundaries.Thequestionthatarisestheniswhichofthekhairyoushouldgiveyourparents?Thatisbasedonacase-by-casescenario.Someparentsshouldbegivenmoney,whileotherparentsshouldbegivencompanybybeingwiththemphysically.Youhavetobeconsiderateofwhattheirneedsareandyoucanofferbirr’l-walidayntotheminwhicheverwaytheyneedit.BIRR(BENEVOLENCE)VS.HUBB(LOVE)Isyourobligationtogiveyourparentsbirr’l-walidaynorhubb’l-walidayn?Areweobligatedtobekindtothem(birr)orareweobligatedtolovethem(hubb)?Givingthembothwouldbeperfect,butwhatifyoucannotgivethemhubb?Hubbisanemotionandbirrisanaction.Birr’l-walidaynisyourobligation.Evenifyougrewupinatoughhouseholdandcannotfeelloveforyourparents,youmuststilltreatthemwithactsoflove.IfyouwereobligatedbyAllah toloveyourparents,thenitwouldhavebeentoughforpeopletoachieveinsomecases.However,everyonecanbekindandpatientandcanendurehardshipwiththeirparents.Wheredoestheobligationtoloveyourparentscomefrom?Allah madethatclearintheQuran:
“Wehavecommandedpeopletobegoodtotheirparents:theirmotherscarriedthem,withstrainuponstrain,andittakestwoyearstoweanthem.GivethankstoMeandtoyour
parents—allwillreturntoMe.”SurahLuqman,31:14
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Amothercarriesherbabyforninemonths,wahn‘alawahn(weaknessuponweakness).Whilecarryingthebaby,themothergetsweakerasthebabygetsstronger.Afterthebabyisborn,itisasifthebabysucksthelifeoutofher.Thetwoyearsthatfollowthebirth,themotherisattheserviceofthebaby.Themothermusteatanddrinkwellforthehealthofthechildthroughhermilk.Forthisreason,AllahcommandsyoutobegratefultoHimandtoyourparents.Givingthemyourbirrhasnothingtodowithwhethertheyweregoodorbadtoyou.Yourparentsearnedyourbirrbygivingbirthtoyou.Givingyourparentshubbcanbedifficultattimes,butyouarestillresponsibletogivethembirr.
ü Whatiftheparentswhoraisedyouarenotyourbiologicalparents?Areyouobligatedtogivethembirr?Obviously,becauseitisnotabouttheemotionoflove,buttheactionofkindness.Theyraisedyouandthereforedeserveyourbirr.
THEIMPORTANCEOFPARENTSANDHOWTHEYSHOULDBETREATED
“YourLordhascommandedthatyoushouldworshipnonebutHim,andthatyoubekindtoyourparents.Ifeitherorbothofthemreacholdagewithyou,saynowordthatshows
impatiencewiththem,anddonotbeharshwiththem,butspeaktothemrespectfullyandloweryourwinginhumilitytowardstheminkindnessandsay,‘Lord,havemercyonthem,
justastheycaredformewhenIwaslittle.’”SurahAl-Isra,17:23-24
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WorshippingAllahandbeingkindtoyourparentsarementionedtogether.BeingkindtoyourparentsismentionedsecondtoworshippingAllah,almostasifyouareworshippingyourparents.WorshippingAllahisservitudeandyouaresimilarlyaservanttoyourparents,butinadifferentcontext.Ifyourparentsbecomeold,neversay“uff”tothem.Evenafrustratedsighintheirfaceisamajorsin.Sodonotyellatthem,donotraiseyourvoiceanddonotcussatthem.Loweryourwinginhumility,andsay,“MyLord,havemercyonthem.”Theyearneditbytakingcareofyouallthoseyears.Thereisnowayforyoutoeverpaythembackfortheirkindness.
THESIGNIFICANCEOFBIRR’L-WALIDAYNIt is second in command after worshipping Allah
“YourLordhascommandedthatyoushouldworshipnonebutHim,andthatyoubekindto
yourparents.”SurahAl-Isra,17:23
AllahmentionedbeingkindtoyourparentssecondtoworshippingHim.Itisalmostlikeyouareworshippingyourparents,butthereisnooneweworshipotherthanAllah.It is a gate to Jannah ItwasnarratedfromMu'awiyahbinJahimahAs-Sulami,thatJahimahcametotheProphet
andsaid:"OMessengerofAllah!IwanttogooutandfightandIhavecometoaskyouradvice."Hesaid:"Doyouhaveamother?"Hesaid:"Yes."Hesaid:"Thenstaywithher,for
Paradiseisbeneathherfeet."[Sunanan-Nasa'i]
Theparentsaregatestoal-Jannah,whentheyaregone,thosegatesareclosed.Ifyourparentsarestillalive,makesurethatyouhavethoseticketstoJannah.
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It is showing gratitude to Allah
“Wehavecommandedpeopletobegoodtotheirparents:theirmotherscarriedthem,withstrainuponstrain,andittakestwoyearstoweanthem.GivethankstoMeandtoyour
parents—allwillreturntoMe.”SurahLuqman,31:14
DoinggoodtoyourparentsisshowinggratitudetoAllah.Lookatitthisway:itisnotaboutwhetheryourparentsdeserveitornot,butyoudeservetoalwaysbegrateful,tobekindandtodotherightthing.ShowinggratitudetoyourparentsisshowinggratitudetoAllah.It is a form of Jihad “AmancametotheProphet wantingtodojihad.TheProphetasked,‘Areyourparents
stillalive?’‘Yes,’hereplied.Hesaid,‘Thenexertyourselfontheirbehalf.’”[Bukhari]
Goandfightyourself,yourwhimsandyourdesiresservingyourparents.Servingyourparentsistrulyabigjihad.Itisnoteasytodealwithyourparentsintheiroldage.Especiallyifyouaremarriedwithkidsandyourparentsarebeingirrationalandunrealistic.Bepatientwiththem.Allah saidwegrowfromweakness,tostrength,toweaknessandthenwegetmuchweaker.Thisiswhathappenswithparents.Astheygetolderinage,theygetyoungerinmentalityandbecomelikekids.TheProphet saidasthesonofAdamgetsolder,twothingsgrowwithhim;stinginess(attachmenttoworldlythings)andawishforalonglife.Forkids,theirworldistheirbelongings.Theygetattachedtotheircrayons,toysandblanketetc.Olderadultsactlikekidsaswellwiththeirattachmenttotheirpossessionssuchasacuporaspoonetc.Weneedtobepatientwiththem.Dealingwithparentscanbeverydifficult,andthereforetherewardforbirr’l-walidaynissogreat.Enduringthehardshipsofbirr’l-walidaynissodifficult,andyouwillunderstandthiswhenyougetolderaswell.Growingoldismandatory,butgrowingupisoptional.The birr of the mother AbuHurayra said,"TheProphet wasasked,'MessengerofAllah,towhomshouldIbedutiful?''Yourmother,'hereplied.Hewasasked,'Thenwhom?''Yourmother,'hereplied.Hewasasked,'Thenwhom?''Yourmother,'hereplied.Hewasasked,'Thenwhom?'Hereplied,
'Yourfather.'"[Bukhari]
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Themanmayhavebeenaskingwhoheshouldbedutifultoinhiscircleoffriends,buttheProphet surprisedhimbysaying“yourmother.”Themanwasshockedandaskedagain,andtheProphetsaid“yourmother.”ThemanwasgettingconfusedandaskedagainandtheProphetsaid“yourmother.”Themangotthesameresponsethreetimes.HerealizedtheProphetwasrepeatinghimselfconsciously,andsowhenheaskedthefourthtime,theProphetunderstoodthatthemanunderstoodandthenresponded“yourfather.”Themothergetsthreesharesversustheoneshareforthefather.Mostmenfeelthisisunfair,butlookatthetraditionalupbringing.Themotherhasgivensomuchtothechild.Specifically,theconceptofthechildgrowingupandliterallysuckingthelifeoutofher.Theysayaboutthemanthattherearetwowomeninhislife.Thefirstonegiveshimhislifeandthesecondonegiveshimherlife.Thefirstoneisthemotherandthesecondoneisthewife.However,ShaykhYaserthinksthatisanunfairstatementandthatitisthesamewomanforboth.Itisthemother,shegiveshimhislifeANDherlife,thencomesthewifeafterthat.Themotherdedicatesalotofhertimeandalotofherlifeforherchild.Ifnottakingcareofthechildphysically,sheworriesaboutthechild.Thatiswhyshedeserves¾ofyourbirr.The birr of the father AbuHurayrah narratedtheProphet said,"Achildcannotrepayhisfatherunlesshe
findshimasaslaveandthebuyshimandsetshimfree."[Muslim]Birrofthemotherismorebecauseoftheemotionalnatureofthemother,butitismorepragmaticfortheman.WhentheProphet wasaskedhowamancanpaybackhisfather’sbirr,theProphetsaidthereisnothingyoucanrepayhimwith,exceptifhefindshimasaslaveandbuyshimandsetshimfree.Inourtimes,thefathercanbeinbigdebtafterinvestinginhischild’supbringing,sosethimfreefromhisfinancialhardships.The birr to the non-Muslim parent
“ButiftheyendeavortomakeyouassociatewithMethatofwhichyouhavenoknowledge,donotobeythembutaccompanythemin[this]worldwithappropriatekindnessandfollowthewayofthosewhoturnbacktoMe[inrepentance].ThentoMewillbeyourreturn,andIwill
informyouaboutwhatyouusedtodo.”SurahLuqman,31:15
Ifyouhavenon-Muslimparents,doyouneedtoshowthembirr’l-walidayn?Yes!Ifyournon-Muslimparentstrytomakeyoucommitkufr,donotobeythem,butstillbekindto
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them.Similarly,withMuslimparents,iftheytrytomakeyoudosomethingharam,donotobeythem,butstillbekindtothem.Doingbirrtoyourparentsisrequiredfromyou,specificallywhentheyarenotgoodtoyou.Becauseifyourparentsweregoodtoyou,therewouldbenoneedforareligiousmandatetotakecareofthemandbeingobedienttothem.Butbecausetheexpectationisthattheymightnotbethatgoodtoyou,youarestillrequiredtobekindtothem.Beinggoodtothemisareligiouscommand.Allah saidintheaboveversetotreatthemkindly,inawaythatwhichisconsideredequitable,customaryandreasonable.Agreatexampleofshowingkindnesstoyournon-MuslimparentscanbefoundinthelifeofAsmabintAbiBakr .WhenpeoplewouldmigratefromMakkahtoMadinah,theywouldbeunabletoadjusttotheclimateofMadinah.Theywouldgetallergiesandsicknessinthenewenvironment.MakkanwomenwhomigratedtoMadinahwereunabletoconceiveandhadmiscarriages.WhenthepeopleofMakkahandMadinahheardthisnews,theyweremockingthemigrantssayingtheywillnotbeabletoadjusttotheclimateandwillalldie.ThisiswhentheProphet madeduaforthefevertoberemovedfromthecityintothemountains.Finally,afteralmostayear,AsmabintAbiBakrbecamethefirstmuhajirwomantogivebirthtoahealthychild.ThatchildwasAbdullahibnZubayr ,andhebecameacelebritywhenhewasborn.Peoplewerecelebratingandpartying,notbecauseofAbdullahhimself,butbecausetherewasabreakthrough.ThenewsspreadallthewaytoMakkahtoAsma’snon-MuslimmotherandsoshecametoMadinahtocelebratewithherdaughter.WhenAsmasawhermothercamein,shegotconfusedbecausealotofMuslimsdidnotknowwhattodowiththeirnon-Muslimparentsatthetime.Asmadidnotevenallowhertocomeintothehouse.ShewenttotheProphet
andsaid,“Mymothercameallthewaytovisit,sheisstillamushrika.”Sheaskedwhethersheshouldhonorhermother.TheProphetwasshockedandsurprisedandsaid“Noquestion!Justtakecareofyourmother!”Fromthishadith,welearnthattherearenoboundarieswhenitcomestodealingwithnon-Muslimparents,unlesstheyorderyoutodosomethingthatviolatesyourfaith.Youshouldtreatyourparentswithkindnesseveniftheyarenon-Muslim.Warning against undutifulness to parents IntheArabiclanguage,thewordforbeingundutifultoyourparentsis“uquq’l-walidayn.”“Uquq”comesfromtheverb“’aqqa”meaningto“cut.”Wecelebratethebirthofachildbyperformingaqeeqah.“Aqeeqah”meanscuttingandsacrificingofananimal.Thereisalsoapreciousstone,whichintheArabiclanguageiscalled“aqeeq.”Aqeeqisredincolormostofthetime,andredisalsothecolorofblood.Andthereisalargevalley(likeatrench)inMadinahwhichbecomesaflowingriverintherainyseason.Thatvalleyiscalled“waadalaqeeq.”ItcutsMadinahcompletely,asifslayingtheEarth.So“uquq’l-walidayn”meanscuttingtieswithfamily.Itislikeslayingthatrelationshipandspillingthebloodoftherelationship.Itisaveryuglypicturewithadramaticmeaningmoresothan“disobediencetoparents.”Therearedifferentwaysthatpeoplepracticeuquq.
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“YourLordhascommandedthatyoushouldworshipnonebutHim,andthatyoubekindtoyourparents.Ifeitherorbothofthemreacholdagewithyou,saynowordthatshows
impatiencewiththem,anddonotbeharshwiththem,butspeaktothemrespectfullyandloweryourwinginhumilitytowardstheminkindnessandsay,‘Lord,havemercyonthem,
justastheycaredformewhenIwaslittle.’”SurahAl-Isra,17:23-24
Thefirstpartoftheayahspeaksaboutthetreatmentofyourparentsverbally.
• Allahcommandsyoutoneverinsultyourparents.Evensimplysaying“uff”isinandofitselfaninsult.
• “Tanharhuma”israisingyourvoiceandyellingatthem,soneveryellatyourparents.
• ThenAllahsaystoonlyspeakwiththeminnoblewords.Thesecondpartoftheayahspeaksaboutloweringthewingsofhumilitytothemintermsoftreatmentandactions.Anykindoftreatmentofparentsoutsideoftheguidelinessetintheaboveverseisconsidereduquq’l-walidayn.Therefore,yelling,cursing,physicalabuse,silenttreatmentandallthesekindsoftreatmentsareconsidereduquq.Uquqisawideconceptandcoversanythingthathastodowithhurtingyourparents.Birr’l-walidayn after their death AmancametotheMessengerofAllah andasked,“OMessengerofAllah!Isthereany
kindnessordutifulnessthatIcanshowtomyparentsaftertheirdeath?”Hereplied:“Yes:(1)tosupplicateforthem,(2)seekAllah’sforgivenessforthem,(3)fulfilltheirwillandpledgesaftertheirdeath,(4)keepongoodtermswiththosewhoarenotconnectedwithyoubut
throughthem,(5)andshowreverencetotheirfriends.”[AbuDawud]Thelessonfromtheabovehadithisyoucanstillhavebirr’l-walidaynforyourparentsaftertheypassaway.Byprayingjanazahandmakingduaforthem,bymakingistighfarforthem,byfulfillingtheirwillandpledges(aslongastheyarehalalandwithinyourcapacity),bymaintainingrelationswiththosewhomyouarenotconnectedwithexceptthroughthem
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(yourparents’cousins,forexample),andbyshowingreverenceandcheckingupontheirfriends.TheMessengerofAllah said:“Whenamandiesallhisgooddeedscometoanendexceptthree:Ongoingcharity(SadaqahJariyah),beneficialknowledgeandarighteoussonwho
praysforhim.”[Sunanan-Nasa’i]Therearethreemorethingsyoucoulddoforyourparentsaftertheypassaway.(1)iftheyhavemoney,thendonatesomeofitassadaqahjariyah,suchasbuildingamasjid,(2)ifyourparentswereknowledgeablepeopleandtheywrotebooksordidresearch,thensponsorsomepackagestosomeinstitutionsscholarshipssothatpeoplecanstartlearningbasedontheirscholarship.And(3)youcouldmakealotofduaforyourparents.AwomanfromthetribeofJuhainacametotheProphetandsaid,“MymotherhadvowedtoperformHajjbutshediedbeforeperformingit.MayIperformHajjonmymother’sbehalf?”TheProphetreplied,“PerformHajjonherbehalf.Hadtherebeenadebtonyourmother,wouldyouhavepaiditornot?So,payAllah’sdebtasHehasmorerighttobepaid.”
[Bukhari]Ifyourparentsdiedandtheydidnotperformhajj,thenyoucandohajjontheirbehalf,butmakesuretodohajjforyourselffirst.Canyoudohajjforyourparentandyourselfinthesamehajjseason?No.
CONTEMPORARYISSUESINDEALINGWITHPARENTSParents limiting the number of children for you Ifyou’remarriedandwouldliketohaveathirdchildandyourparentssayno,youdonothavetoobeythem.Unlessyourparentshavealegitimatereason,suchasthembabysittingthechildrenwhileyouandyourwifework.Ifyouhavingmorechildreninthissituationputsmorestressonyourparents,thentheydohavetherighttosayno.Parents preventing you from moving far away Ifyouwouldliketomovefarawayfromyourparentsforthesakeofyourcareer,cantheystopyou?Youshouldweighthecircumstances.Ifyourparentsneedyouphysically,thenyoushouldstayclose.Iftheydonotneedyou,thenyouhavethechoicetomoveawayeven
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ifyourparentsdisapprove.Whenyouhaveadecision,itshouldnottranslateintouquq’l-walidayn.WhatifyourparentsarefinancingyourcollegeeducationandyouwanttostudyinBostonwhileyourparentswantyoutostudyinChicago?YoushouldstayinChicago.Andintermsofadegreedecisionwhentheyarepayingforyourcollege,youhavetolearntonegotiatewiththemifyourcareergoalsandtheirwishesdonotalign.ShaykhYasersuggeststhatyoufollowyourpassionintermsofyourcollegeeducation.Ifyourparentsdonotwanttofinanceit,thenyoufindanotherwaytopaywithouttakingloans(likescholarships).Parents causing fitnah between couples Whatifeverytimeyougotoyourparent’shouse,theycausefitnahbetweenyouandyourwife?Doyouhavetotakeyourwifewithyoueverytimeyougotoyourparent’shouse?Thatdependsonacase-by-casescenario.Ifyoucanmaintainorder,thenbringthefamily.Butifnot,everynowandthengobyyourselfandtakethekids.Parents asking for money Whatifyourdadasksyoutosendhimmoney?Thatalsodependsonacase-by-casescenario.Howoftendoesheask?Howmuchdoesheneed?Ifitisforhimbuyingaland,thenyoudonothaveto.Ifheneedsthemoney,thentakecareofhim.Ifhedoesnotneedthemoney,thenyoudonothavetosendittohim.Butbereasonable(bilma’roof).Ifyourdadneeds$300,sendinghim$400isfine.Butsendinghim$700isnotfairtoyourownfamily.Whataboutforthewife?Canshesendhermoneytoherfamily?Iftheyneedit,thenyes.Iftheydonot,thenbilma’roof(bereasonable),andrestwillbesharedwithfamily.Daughters taking care of their parents Whatifonlydaughtershappentobetakingcareofparentsandtheparentsaregettingolder?Thegirlsareresponsiblefortakingcareoftheparents.Ifthehusbandaskshiswifetonotsendmoneytoherparents,shouldsheobeyhim?FirstthingShaykhYaserrecommendsforparentsistoseekgoodcounseling.Theyneedtohavesomeoneneutraltoshowthemwhatisrightandwhatiswrongintheseissues.Lettheladygoandseekcounsellingifthehusbanddoesnotwanttogo.Thesesituationsarecasebycasescenarios,sogivingablanketanswerisnotright.Sometimes,sheshouldnotsendthemoney.Othertimes,sheshouldsendwhetherherhusbandagreesornot.Girlsarestillresponsible,especiallyifparentsareoldandunabletotakecareofthemselves,theyshouldtaketheminandthehusbandshouldaccommodateforthem.Thehusbandandwifeshouldhavethisconversationmuchearlierintheirrelationshipbeforeitbecomesreality.One parent being non-Muslim WhatifoneofyourparentsisMuslimandtheothernon-Muslim?Therearemanyfamilieslikethis.Isitevenallowedforanon-MuslimwifetoworshipashertraditioninthehouseofaMuslimhusband?Canshehavecrossinthehouse?Yes,shecan.Themanmarriedher
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knowingshewaskaafirandwillworshipbasedonhertradition.Hehasnorighttopreventherfromworshippingashertradition.Asforotherissues,suchasdrinkingalcohol,thatisadifferentstory.Eveninherreligion,itisnotacceptabletodrink.Dealing with Difficult Parents Howmuchareyouresponsibletoobeydifficultparents?Youshouldobeythemaslongastheydonotcommandyoutodoharam.TheProphet saidthereisnoobediencetothecreationifitentailsdisobediencetotheCreator.Whatiftheyarenotcommandingyoutodoharam,butarepreventingyoufromdoinggood(suchasvolunteeringatthemasjidorevenattendingweekendseminars)?Youshouldstillobeyyourparentsiftheyarebeingreasonable(iftheyareworriedaboutlatenights,forexample).Iftheyarebeingunreasonable,thenlearntonegotiatewiththem.Whatifyouwanttobeanengineerandyourparentswantyoutobeadoctorandtheyrefusetospeakwithyouifyoubecomeanythingotherthanadoctor?Whenyouhaveachoiceinthesekindsofdecisions,itisyourrightaslongasitdoesnotclashwithyourparents.Asforadultswhohavebeendealingwithdifficultparentsforaverylongtime,Sh.Yaserrecommendsgoingtoprofessionaltherapy.Ithelpsyouclearyourheart,helpstielooseendsandtogetsomeemotionalclosureonthingsfromthepast.Nowasanadult,itisyourchoicetomakethesedecisions.Whenyouareyoungandsomethingwronghappens,shameonyourparents.Nowthatyouareanadultandsomethingwronghappens,shameonyou.Asanadult,learntomaketherightdecisions.Dealing with a neglectful parent ShaykhYaserrecommendsthatyounotjudgeyourparentforleaving,whetheritwasyourmotheroryourfatherwholeft.Youshouldtrytobeasneutralaspossible.Trytoputyourselfintheirshoes,maybetheyhadnochoicebuttoleaveanditwasnottheirfault.Maybethemotherwholeftdidsoduetoanabusivehusbandandshecouldnottakeitanymore.So,donotharboranygrudgeagainstthem.Again,whenyouwereyoung,shameonyourparents.Butnowthatyouareanadult,shameonyouifyouholdagrudgeagainstthem.Whatiftheparentwasneglectfulduetocarelessness?Whatiftheyjustwantedafreelife,abandonedtheirfamilyandnevercommunicatedwiththekids?Theywouldhavenoauthorityovertheirkids.Authorityisforthosewhotakecareoftheirkidsintheirlives.Therewasabrotherwhowasabandonedasachildandhewentlookingforhisfatheraftergrowingup.Hewantedtofindoutwhyhisfatherleft.Afterfindinghisfatherandrealizingthatheisgettingold,thebrothercametoShaykhYaserseekingadviceonwhetherhewasnowresponsiblefortakingcareofhisfather,eventhoughhisfathernevercaredforhimandneverspentapennyonhim.Thisisaverytoughsituationtobein.TheShyakhtoldthebrotherthereis‘adlandfadhlintermsofthelevelofjustice.Thefairnesshereisthatnomatterwhat,themanisstillhisfather.Andbecauseitwasthebrotherhimselfwhoreached
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outtothefather,thebrothershouldthentakecareofthefather.Butfadhlistotakecareofhimbeyondfinancialsupport.Onceyoubecomeanadult,youneedtoreconcilewithyourfamilyasmuchasyoucanandmoveon.Youdonothavetohaveloveforthem,butatleasthavethatemotionalclosureandmoveonwithyourlife.Dealing with an abusive parent Whatifyourparentisveryaggressiveandyouhavebeenthroughphysicalabuse?Alotofpatienceisinvolvedhere.Onceyoubecomeanadultandbecomeconsciousofwhathappened,doyouhavetoreconcilewiththem?Thatisuptoyou.Thereisnoobligationhere.Remember,youdonothavetolovethem,butyouarestillresponsibletohavebirr’l-walidayn.Notbecausetheydeserveit,butbecauseyoudeservetodotherightthinganditisacommanduponyou.IfsomeonedisobeyedAllah inthewaytheytreatyou,donotrespondtotheminawaythatshowsdisobediencetoAllah.ObeyAllahatalltimes.Whatiftheabusewassexualabuse?SomepeoplethinkthisdoesnothappenintheMuslimcommunity,butitdoes.Ithappensmorethanweexpect.Sometimesitisthefather,sometimesitissomeoneelseinthefamily,butitdoeshappenanditisascarysituation.Whatifthegirlgrowsupandrealizesthatshewassexuallyabusedbyherownparent?Shouldshereportthemandbringittothelawenforcement?Thatisuptoher.Shecanseekjustice,butthereisalsofadhl(whichisholdingyouranger,forgiving,forgettingandmovingon).Sheisnotobligatedtohavefadhlonherparent.Ifshewantstoseekjustice,shehasallthemeansintheIslamicsystemtodoso.However,rememberthatseekingjusticeisnotgoingtobringpeace.Whatthevictimsaremostbotheredbyisthefeelingthattheyhavebeenwrongedandthattheperpetratorisgettingawaywithit.ButthereistheDayofJudgmentandtheHereafter,soevenifshedoesnotseekjusticeinthisworld,shecanstandinfrontofAllahandaskforherrightsthere.Thisissomethingthatshouldgivethevictimasenseofreliefandhelpovercomethisdifficultyinthedunyaandmovingon.Ifyoudodecidetoseekjustice,youhaveallthehaqqandtherighttodoso.Parents Forcing Marriage with Someone Doyouhavetoobeyeverycommandofyourparents?Whatiftheyaretryingtoforceyoutomarryaparticularperson?Youdonothavetoobeythem.Whatiftheystartguilttrippingyouorstartmakingduaagainstyou?Thisiscalled‘adl(theabusiveuseofpower).‘AdlismentionedintheQuranmultipletimes.AllahisTheJust,Hedidnotallowthefathertoforcehisdaughtertomarrysomeone.
CHAPTER FOURChildren - The Adornment
of Life
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CHAPTER 4: CHILDREN, THE ADORNMENT OF LIFE
RAISING CHILDREN IN A CHALLENGING TIME THEGREATBLESSINGOFHAVINGCHILDRENHaving children is a privilege, not a right AlotofpeoplestartdoubtingtheqadrandhikmahofAllah iftheyarehavingtroubleconceivingchildren.IfAllahhasblessedyouwithchildren,thenyouareprivileged.Therearepeoplewhohavebeentryingfor3-5yearsandstilldonothavekids.Thisrequiresalotofpatience.NoonehastherighttoquestionAllah’swisdom.
“ToAllahbelongsthedominionoftheheavensandtheearth;HecreateswhatHewills.HegivestowhomHewillsfemale[children],andHegivestowhomHewillsmales.OrHemakesthem[both]malesandfemales,andHerenderswhomHewillsbarren.Indeed,HeisKnowing
andCompetent.”Surahal-Shu’ara,42:49-50Allahisthemostknowledgeableandcompetent,notrandomorarbitrary.EverythingthatoccursispartofHis‘ilm,power,andwisdom.Ifsomeonehasbothboysandgirls,itisani’amaandatest.Itisani’amaandatestalsotohaveeitherallboysorallgirls.Partoftheni’amaofhavingdaughtersisifyouraisethemandtakecareofthemuntiltheygrowold,theycanbeashieldfromJahannamforyou,soalwaysbeoptimistic.Children are the pleasure of this world
“Wealthandchildrenare[but]adornmentoftheworldlylife.Buttheenduringgooddeedsare
bettertoyourLordforrewardandbetterfor[one’s]hope.”Surahal-Kahf,18:46
Regardlessofhowmuchparentsmayfeelannoyedbythis,theymustrealizethatwealthandchildrenareanadornmentofthisworld.Youcannothaveitall,youmustenjoyonestepatatime.Manypeoplelivetheirlivesjustforthis,alltheirmoneyandalltheirhardworkistoraiseafamily.Intheprocessofraisingafamily,peoplecansometimeslosefocusonthepurposeoflife.
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Children are legacy for the akhirah TheProphet said“WhenthesonofAdampassesaway,hisactionsarecloseddownexceptforthree:acontinuousformofcharity,somethingofknowledgebywhichothersbenefitfrom
orarighteouschildwhopraysforhim.”Muslim
TheProphet saidwhensomeonepassesaway,theirgooddeedscometoanendexceptforthree.Oneofthemisarighteouschildwhowillmakeduafortheirparent.Severalahadithmentionwhenparentshaveayoungchildwhopassesaway,thatchildwilltaketheparentstoJannahontheDayofJudgement.Soyourchildrencanbeyourusherstoal-Jannah.They are the comfort of the eyes
“…thosewhopray,‘OurLord,giveusjoyinourspousesandoffspring.Makeusgoodexamples
tothosewhoareawareofYou.”Surahal-Furqan,25:74
Childrenbecometheadornmentofthisdunya,andthecoolnessoftheeyesandtheheart.However,isthatalwaysthecase?Thereisnoguarantee.Whenyouhavechildren,havethematyourownrisk.Youareonlyresponsibletodoyourpart.TheexampleofthisforusisNuh .Hedidda’wahtohissonfor950years,thelongestparentingyoucanthinkof.Yethischildwasnotacomfortforhiseyesorheart.Thatdoesnotmeanhefailedasafather,itmeansitwasthesonwhofailed.EverythingisintheHandsofAllah .Youareonlyresponsiblefortheeffort,butAllahdecidestheresult.CHILDRENAREAMANAH
“OhBelievers,guardyourselvesandyourfamiliesagainstaFirefueledbypeopleandstones,overwhichstandangels,sternandstrong;angleswhoneverdisobeyAllah’scommandsto
them,butdoastheyareordered.”Surahal-Tahrim,66:6
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Understandthatonceyouhavekids,youhavesignedacontractwithAllahtoberesponsibleforthem.Alotofparentsmakethebabysitters,grandparents,in-laws,daycare,Sundayschool,Islamicschoolandeverybodyelseresponsiblefortheirchildren,butnotthemselves.Onceyousignthatcontract,thereisnoescape.Youaretheprimaryprotectorandguardianofyourownchildren.“Allofyouareshepherdsandeachofyouisresponsibleforhisflock.Theleaderofapeopleisashepherdandheisresponsibleforhisflock.Amanisashepherdforthepeopleofhishouseandheisresponsibleforthem.Awomanisashepherdofthehouseofherhusbandandhischildrenandsheisresponsibleforthem.Aservantisashepherdforthewealthofhismasterandheisresponsibleforit.Soindeed,eachoneofyouisashepherdandeachisresponsiblefor
hisflock.”[BukhariandMuslim]Thishadithshowsthatleadershipisveryimportantforparenting.TheProphet saidyouareshepherds.Whywouldheusetheshepherdasananalogybetweenleadershipandbeingashepherd?
• Theshepherdalwayslooksatthingsfromadifferentlevelthanthesheep(thesheepalwayslookdownwhiletheshepherdlooksupandforward)
• Theshepherdmustbegentlewithhisflock,sheeparefragile• Eachsheephasadifferentpersonality• Theshepherdmustbepatientwithhisflock.Thesheepdonotalwayslisten.And
sometimesasheepgetssick,sotheshepherdmustcarryitoverhisshoulders• Ashepherdprotectshisflockfromwolves.Youasaparentareresponsibletomake
sureyourkidsareprotectedfromalltheelementsaroundthem.Ofcourse,whenyourkidsgetolder,youmustlearntoletgoofthemslowly
• Ashepherdmustkeephisflocktogether,becausetheytendtogotodifferentplaces• Ashepherdisresponsibleforthewellbeingofhisflock,makingsuretheyeat
properlyTherearetwokindsofleaderships,leadershipfrombehindandleadershipfromthefront.Leadershipfrombehindiswhenyoupusheveryoneinfrontofyou.Yousteerthemasyouseewheretheyaregoing.Howisitthatashepherdwalksinfrontandhashisflockfollowhim?Theshepherdmakescertainsoundsthroughsingingorchantingandthesheepbegintofollow.Therefore,youmustcreatesomesenseofharmonyinyourfamily,sothatwhenyousaysomething,theyfollow.Alotofparentsdonotcreateasenseofsynchronyinthefamily.Thechildrenaregoingonewaywhiletheparentsaregoinganotherway.Becausetheparentsaretoobusy,thechildrenaregrowingupwatchingTV,iPadandiPhone.Asaresult,whenitistimeforreapingthebenefitsofraisingchildren,yourkidshavealreadytakenadivergentpathandthatiswhenconflictsoccurbetweenparentsandtheirchildren.
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BOYSVS.GIRLSAnd the male is not like the female
Butwhenshedeliveredher,shesaid,"MyLord,Ihavedeliveredafemale."AndAllahwasmostknowingofwhatshedelivered,"Andthemaleisnotlikethefemale.AndIhavenamedherMary,andIseekrefugeforherinYouand[for]herdescendantsfromSatan,theexpelled
[fromthemercyofAllah]."SurahAle-Imran,3:36
Thereisatechnicalissueinthisayah.Whosaid“Andthemaleisnotlikethefemale?”ArethesethewordsofAllah orisAllahquotingthewordsofthemotherofMaryam?SomescholarssaythatAllahisquotingthemotherofMaryam,otherssayitisAllah’sstatementcommentingonwhatMaryamsaid.Eitherway,ifitisAllahcommentingonherstatement,thatisaveryclearcommandfromAllah.AndifitisAllahquotingher,thefactthatAllahquotedthemotherofMaryamanddidnotmentionanyobjectionsafterwardsmeansitisanendorsement.Soitistruethatthemaleandthefemalearenotthesame.Ifthisisthecase,thenhowshoulditbetreated?Itisnotaboutsuperiority.ItisamatterofAllahsayingthefactthatmenandwomenwerecreateduniquely,theyserveuniquepurposesinthislifetocompleteoneanother.TheProphet saidwomenarethecounterpartsofmen.Alotofpeopletakethisayahandquoteitoutofcontexttosaythatitisaboutsuperiority.Itisnotaboutsuperiority;itisamatterofdifference.Whyisitsoimportantinthiscontext?BaniIsraelhad12branchesandoneofthemwasresponsibleforclergyandreligiousservices.Itwasonlymenwhoservedinthetempleintheirtradition.ThemotherofMaryamwantedtovowthatifAllahgaveherason,shewouldgivehimtothetempletoserveHim.However,Allahgaveheragirl,andHeknewwhatshedelivered.ScholarsunderstoodfromthisthatAllahknewwhathersupplicationwasandHegaveheragirlonpurpose.Sheaskedforaspecialboy,andAllahtaughtheralessonthattohaveaspecialboy,theremustbeaspecialmothertocarryhim.Allahgaveheraspecialmothertocarryaspecialboy.
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“And[mention]whentheangelssaid,"OMary,indeedAllahhaschosenyouandpurifiedyou
andchosenyouabovethewomenoftheworlds.”SurahAle-Imran,3:42
AllahspeaksveryhighlyofMaryam.Hechoseher,preferredherandelevatedherstatusamongallwomenoftheworld.ThatisMaryam,themotherofIsa .NowomanevercreatedthroughoutthehistoryofmankindwillmatchthestatusofMaryam.The blessing of having girls 'Uqbaibn'AmirreportedthatheheardtheMessengerofAllahsay,"Ifsomeonehasthreedaughtersandispatientwiththemandclothesthemfromhiswealth,theywillbeashield
againsttheFireforhim."[IbnMajah]Whoeverhasthreegirlsandtakescareofthemfromhiswealth,theywillbeashieldforhimfromJahannam.Thereisnohadithlikethisforraisingboys.Theonlywayboyscanbeashieldisiftheypassawayintheparent’slifetime.TheMessengerofAllahsaid,"AnyMuslimwholosesthreechildrenbeforetheyreachtheage
ofmaturity,willbegrantedJannahbyAllah,theExalted,outofHisMercyforthem."[BukhariandMuslim]
TheProphet saidwhoeverlosesthreechildrenandthentheyshowpatience,theirchildrenwillbetheirticketintoJannah.Inanothernarration,awomanstoodupandaskedtheProphet,“Howabouttwokids?”Hesaid,“Andtwokids.”AbuHurayrah wasnarratingthisstoryandhesaid,“Evenifyouhadaskedforone,he wouldhavesaidthesamething.”THEDEALINGSWITHGIRLSBEFOREISLAMFeeling the shame
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“Andwhenoneofthemisinformedof[thebirthof]afemale,hisfacebecomesdark,andhesuppressesgrief.Hehideshimselffromthepeoplebecauseoftheillofwhichhehasbeeninformed.Shouldhekeepitinhumiliationorburyitintheground?Unquestionably,evilis
whattheydecide.”Surahal-Nahl,16:58-59TheArabsbeforeIslamusedtohaveafeelingofshamewhenevertheyhadadaughter.Allahsaysinsurahal-Nahl,wheneversomeonewasgiventhenewsthattheyhadagirl,theirfacewouldturndark.Theywouldgetangryandupsetandhidethemselvesfromthepeople.Theywoulddebatewhethertheyshouldburyherinthedirtorkeepher.Unfortunately,thisconceptofshameofgirlvs.boyisstillpresentintoday’sculture,thoughnottotheextentofthepeopleatthattime.Thatiswhythesedays,whenitcomestogirls,peoplearemuchmoreprotective,whereasboyscangotohookahbars.ThatiswhyintheArabculturetodaythewomenareverywelleducatedwhiletheguysarenotatthesamelevel.Parentsletguyslivetheirlivesandexpectthemtomatureandbecome“men”later.Thisdualstandardistherepresentationofthiscultureofshame.Financial burden
“Anddonotkillyourchildrenforfearofpoverty.Weprovideforthemandforyou.Indeed,
theirkillingiseveragreatsin.”Surahal-Isra,17:31TheArabsbeforeIslamwouldlookatgirlsasafinancialburden.Whenboyswouldbecomeacertainage,theywouldfight,theywouldassist,theywouldgoouttothepasturewiththeanimals,theyprovidedincomeforthefamilyandthecommunity.Allahwarnsinsurahal-Isratonotkillchildrenoutoffearofpoverty.Allahhasguaranteedtoprovideforthechildrenandforyou.Eventoday,alotofpeoplethinkofdaughtersasafinancialburden.Traditionally,whenitcomestomarriage,thebride’sfamilyisresponsibleforthedowry.Itisasiftheirfamilylivestheirlifetobringinenoughmoneysothattheycanconvincethegroom’sfamilytotaketheirdaughterfromthem.AlthoughIslamicallyspeaking,itisthemanwhoissupposedtoprovidethemahr.Burying them alive
“Andwhenthefemaleinfantburiedaliveisquestioned:forwhatsinwasshekilled?”
Surahal-Takwir,81:8-9
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OntheDayofJudgment,theinfantgirlwillbeaskedwhyshewaskilledandthereisobviouslynoreasonforthatwhatsoever.Today,thispracticeisstillpresentinaway.Whenaladydiscoversthatsheispregnantandthatitismostlikelyafemale,shewillstartmakingexcusestolegitimizeabortion.Thisisnotlimitedtogirls.Alotofwives,whentheyareoverwhelmedandsatisfiedwiththenumberofkidstheyhave,theywillconsiderabortionofasurprisepregnancytocontinuetheircareerseventhoughtheyarehealthyenoughtohaveababy.
THEETIQUETTEOFANEWBORNTherearecertainetiquettestobeobservedbyMuslimstoensuretherightbeginningfortheirchildren.ManyoftheseetiquettescanbefoundinasinglebookwrittenbyImamIbnal-Qayyimcalled“TuhfatulMawdudbiAhkamal-Mawlud:AGifttotheLovedOneRegardingtheRulingsoftheNewborn.”Hewrotethisbookforhisson-in-lawanddaughterwhentheywerehavingtheirfirstchild.Isitallowedforthehusbandtobetherewiththewifeduringdelivery?Yes,heshouldbethereforprivacy,protectionandmostimportantlyforemotionalsupport.Adviceforthehusband:Whenyougowithyourwifeintothedeliveryroom,donottakeanythingpersonally.Thewifewillbeyellingatyou,butshedoesnotmeanitanditisonlythepainspeaking.Tahnik and Naming the child AbuMusasaid,“Ihadababyboy,andIbroughthimtotheProphet.HenamedhimIbrahim,didtahnikwithsomedatesandprayedforAllahtoblesshim,andthenhegavehimbackto
me.”[Bukhari]Themomentthechildisborn,thereisthesunnahoftahnikandnamingthechild.Thenursewilltakethebabyawayafterdeliverytoweighhim/her.Afterthebabyisgivenbacktoyou,putthebabyonhis/herchestandgivetheadhaan.Theadhaancanbecalledbyeitherthefatherorthemother.Thepointisforthechildtoheartheadhaan.TheadhaaninthiscontextisareminderthatthisisthebeginningoftheirlifeandtheyaretheservantofAllah.Theadhaanshouldbegivenintherightearifpossible.Thereisnoneedfortheiqamasincemostofthenarrationsoncallingtheiqamaforanewbornareweak.Theadhaanforthenewbornshouldnotbeloud,whisperingitissufficient.
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AftertheadhaanistheSunnahoftahnik.Theword“tahnik”comesfromtheArabicword“hanak”meaning“roofofthemouth.”Thetraditionistorubtheroofofthemouthofthechildwithsomethingsweet(mainlydatejuice).Grabadate,chewityourself,takesomeofthejuiceoutwithyourfingerandrubitontheroofofthebaby’smouthandthebabywillstartsuckingonit.Thatdoesnotmeanthatyoushouldgivethebabyawholedate.Theydidnothavemedicationsbackthen,sotheystimulatedthebaby’simmunesystemthroughtheforeignparticlerightaway.Itdoesnothavetobedates;datesarejustwhatthepeoplehadbackthen.Isitmandatory?No,butitisSunnahanditisgoodtofollowtheexampleoftheProphet .Whoisresponsiblefornamingthechild?Islamically,thereisnoindicationtowhoisresponsible,buttheparentsthemselveshavethefirstright.Parentsshouldmutuallyagreeonaname,butiftheycan’t,don’tmakeitabattlefield.Atthesametime,itispermissibleifparentstaketurnsnamingtheirchildren.Theparentscanchoosewhatevernametheywantfortheirchild,aslongasithasagoodmeaning.ItdoesnothavetobeAbdullah,orAbdurRahman.Keepinmindthatoneday,yourchildwillaskyouwhyyougavethemtheirspecificname;somakesuretochoosetheirnamewisely.TheonlyrestrictionsonnamingthechildisthatitcannotbeanameattributedtoonlyAllah oranyspiritualbeings,suchasthenamesofangels.Inaddition,itdoesnothavetobeanArabicname.BemindfulofgivingyourchildanArabicnameifithasanalternativemeaninginyourcultureorwillbemisunderstoodorpronouncedimproperly.Furthermore,youcanchooseanamefromtheQur’an,butdon’tblindlypickanywordthatismentioned,forexample,Firaun.IfyouchoosetopickanamefromtheQuran,makesureithasgoodmeaning.
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Aqiqah TheProphet said,“Whoeverwishestoperformasacrificeontheoccasionofanewborn,thenheshouldsacrificetwosheepforhissonandoneforhisdaughter.”
[al-Nasā’i]ItisaSunnahoftheProphet ,butnotmandatory.Thereisnosolidscholarlyinterpretationofwhyoneshouldsacrificetwosheepforasonversusoneforadaughter.ThesamerulesofQurbaniapplywhilesacrificingtheanimal.However,youcandowhateveryouwantwiththemeat,butitisbettertocelebratebysharingitwithyourfamilyandfriends.ItisallowedtosendtheAqiqahoverseas,butitisbettertocelebratethebirthofyourchildwiththoseinyourcommunityandyourmasjid.Shaving the Child’s Head Regardlessofthebaby’sgender,itisSunnahtoshavetheirhead.DuringthetimeoftheProphetMuhammad ,hesuggestedshavingthechild’sheadandgivingtheweightofthehairinsilver,whenthatamountwassignificant.Today,youcangiveanyamountofcharitytoacauseofyourchoice,butitisnotmandatory.Anyonecanshavethechild’shead.Circumcision ThiswastheSunnahofProphetIbrahim ,beforetheProphet .Accordingtotradition,Ibrahim wasfirstpersontopracticethisandwaspasseddowntohisoffspring.Thus,circumcisionisalsopresentinJewishtradition.Forboys,itshouldbedoneassoonaspossibleanddoesnothavetobeperformedbyaMuslim.Itcanbedoneinthehospitalitself.Forgirls,itwasnotdoneatthetimeoftheProphetMuhammad andisnotmandatory.Thepracticeoffemalecircumcision,al-khifa,actuallyoriginatedinAfrica.SomepeopleintheAfricanculture,bothMuslimandnon-Muslimstilldothistodayasapartofthetradition.But,intheUnitedStates,itisillegalandconsideredmutilation.Ifsomethingisnotmandatoryandisagainstthelawofthecountry,weneedtoabidebythelawsoftheland.Weaning of the Child InIslam,nursingisveryinterestingbecauseitisaverypowerfulprinciple.Thehusbandandthewifecannotstopnursingthechildunlesstheybothagreeonwhentostop.Ifthehusbandandwifedisagreeonwhentostopnursing,themotherhastonurseforthefullterminIslam,2yearsafterbirth,andthenthemothercanstopnursingifshechoosesto.Forexample,ifthehusbandsaystostopnursingafter6months,thewifehastherighttocontinueifshewantsto.Similarly,ifthewifewantstostop,buthusbandwantshertocontinuenursing,shemustcontinueuntilthe2-yearmark.
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Allah saysinSurahal-Baqarah:
“Motherssuckletheirchildrenfortwowholeyears,iftheywishtocompletetheterm,and
clothingandmaintenancemustbebornebythefatherinafairmanner.”Surahal-Baqarah,2:233
Ifthemotherwantstowork,shecanpumpthemilkandkeepitinthefridge.Ifthehusbandandwifeagree,themothercanstopnursingbeforethe2-yearperiod.Itisnotmandatorytonursethefull2years.Ontheotherhand,ifthemotherwantstocontinuenursingafterthechildhasreached2yearsofage,shecancontinuedoingso. CHILDRENANDEDUCATION‘Amrb.Sa’Idal-‘Assaid,
“Aparentnevergiftedanythingtotheirchildgreaterthangoodadab.”
Parentsareresponsibleforthechild’seducation.Theprimaryplacefortheirtarbiyyahisathome,andboththemotherandfatherneedtotakeresponsibilityinteachingthem.Traditionallyinthepast,thefatheristhebreadwinnerandthemothertakescareofthehousehold.Hence,themotheristheonewhocarriedthecultureandtradition,andwasthesourceoftarbiyyah.ImamAhmadrecallshowhismotherwouldtakehimtothemasjidforfajrwhenhewasachild.Astheywouldwalktothemasjid,shewouldholdhishandwhilehewasstillwipingawaythefatiguefromhisface.Whenhestartedattendingclassesinthemasjid,hismothertoldhim“Listenmyson.Learnfrom[yourteacher’s]manners.Observeandlearnfromhismannersbeforeyoutakefromhisknowledge.”Today,thereisaculturalshift.Womenhavejobsandcareers,sothemotherisn’tnecessarilytheprimarycarrierofIslamictraditionanymore.So,alotofparentstodayliketodelegateIslamiceducationandtheteachingoftarbiyyahtosomeoneelse.Thisbegsthequestion:whichschoolsystemisbest?
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PublicSchool IslamicSchool HomeSchool
Pros
-Lotsofopportunities-Learnhowtodealwithdiversity,intermsofrace,background,andthought-Abundantresources-Practicefortherealworld
-Islamiceducationalongsidegeneraleducation-Saferenvironmentthanpublicschools-StrongIslamicfoundation
-Nopeerpressure-Childcanlearnattheirownpace-Highlyindividualized-Cantailorchild’seducationtotheirstrengthsandweaknesses-Kidslearnfromgoodrolemodels
Cons
-Lotsofdangers-Manytemptations-Constantculturalshifts-Childreneasilyinfluencedbypeerpressure-LittletonoIslamiceducationwithintheschoolenvironment
-Feesandtuitionareveryhigh-Islamicschoolsdon’thaveagoodbusinessplantosustaintheschool-NotmanypeoplearewillingtoinvestintomakingqualityIslamicschools-Parentstakeadvantageofthecomfortableenvironment
-Nosocialaspect-Lotsofpressureontheparentsandcancausefitnahbetweenhusbandandwife-Manydistractions-Nostructuredsystem
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Sowhichoneisbest?Attheendoftheday,theschoolsystemdoesn’tmatterasmuchashowmucheffortyouasaparentsputintoyourkidsandyourchild’seducation.Gotoschoolmeetings,beapartoftheschool,volunteerforevents,chaperoneforfieldtrips,etc.Ultimately,theparentsareresponsibleforteachingtheirchildrenaboutIslamicmoralsandvalues,andteachingthemmanners.Nooneelsecandothatforyou. CHILDRENANDDISCIPLINETheMessengerofAllah(sallallahu‘alayhiwasallam)said,“Instructyourchildrentopraywhentheyareseven,andspankthem(iftheydon’tpray)whentheyareten.Andseparate
themfromeachotherintheirbeds.”[AbuDawud,495]
Itisimportantthatwetakeanactiveroleinparenting.Instructyourchildren.Don’tbeapassiveparentandletsomeoneelsedotheparentingforyou.Whenyourchildrenarestillundertheageof7,youcanhavefunwiththemandbelenient.Don’tbetoostrictonyourchildrenorworrytoomuch.Teachthemtheessentialskillsandenjoyyourtimewiththem.However,theyshouldknowhowtoperformsalah,sothatbythetimetheyturn7yearsofage,theyarereadytostartprayingregularly.Whenthechildreaches10yearsofageandisnotprayingregularly,youmayhityourchildrenforthesakeofdiscipline,notfortortureorabuse.Thishadithdoesnotadvocateordefendabusingchildren.NoparenthastherighttotorturetheirchildandjustifyitbysayingtheProphet saiditwasokay.Thishadithisshowingthecorrectwayof
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discipliningchildreninIslam.Evenfordiscipline,hittingthefaceisnotallowed,andthespankingshouldnotleavemarks.Atthesametime,itisimportanttomakesurethatprayer,oranyotheractofibadah,isneveranactofpunishment.Forexample,ifachildisplayingvideogamesandhasn'tprayedyet,ifthereisenoughtimeleftforsalah,letyourchildfinishtheirgame.Theparentshouldnotyellandtellthemto“turnoffthegameandgopray!”Thechildwillsubconsciouslylinkprayeraspunishment.Iftheparentgentlyallowstheirchildtoprayaftertheyhavefinishedtheirgame,thenexttime,thechildknowstopraybeforetheystartthegamesotheywon’tgetinterrupted.Discipliningchildrenisadelicatebalance,sowemustbecarefultomakesurethatwearenotdiscouragingfromactsofibadah,byusingthemasformsofpunishment.Similarly,weshouldnotrewardchildrenfortheirresponsibilitiesorduties.Rewardingchildrenfordoingtheirchorescanbedetrimental.Ifitistheirdutytobeginwith,theyshouldnotberewardedforfulfillingtheirobligations.Likewise,childrenshouldnotbegiven20minutesextraTVtimeorvideogametimeetc.,asarewardforprayingEntertainment with your Children Thebestentertainmentforyourchildreniswhenyouspendtimewiththem!Alotofparentsstruggletofindtimefortheirfamilyduetotheirbusyworkschedule.But,youhavetomakesurethatyouaremakingalifewhilstmakingaliving.Adjustmentsneedtobetakentomakesureyouhavetimeforyourkids.EventheProphetMuhammad foundtimetoplaywithhisgrandkidsandspendtimewithhiskids.Childrendon’tunderstandthatyouareworkingtoprovideforthem.Alltheyseeisthatyou’reaway.Whilechoosingactivities,makesureitisaccommodatingforvariousages,sothatallofyourkidshaveagoodexperience.Sometimes,sinceparentsspendsomuchmoneyonthe“perfectvacation”fortheirkids,theyendupbeingveryrigidsothattheysticktothescheduleandgetthemostoftheirmoney.But,avacationissupposedtoberelaxingandlaidback!Parentshavetobeabitspontaneousandgowiththeflow.Attheendoftheday,it’snotaboutthemoney;it’sabouttheexperience.ESSENTIALPARENTINGSKILLS
1. Loveandrespecttheirotherparent.• Formen,lovetheirmother.Forladies,respecttheirfather.• Kidsneedtoseetheirparentsbeingkind,loving,andrespectfultowardsone
another.2. Kidslearnmorefromyouractionsthanyourwords.
• Itdoesn’tmatterwhatyoutellthem,theywillalwayslooktoseewhatyoudofirst.
• Bethepersonthatyouwantyourkidstobe,insteadofjustexpectingthemtodoitontheirown.
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Ø Example:Ifyouwantyourdaughtertowearhijab,makesureyouwearhijabfirst.
3. Tellyourkidsyoulovethem.Theyneedtohearitfromyou.• Insomecultures,itishardfortraditionalparentstoverballyexpresstheir
love.• Kidsneedtohearitfrequently.Ifyouloveyourchildren,tellthem.• Nomatterhowmuchyoudoforthem,ifyoudon’tsay,“Iloveyou”,they
won’tfeelit.4. Observeeachchild’sspecificneeds.Parentingisnot“onesizefitsall”.
• Asparents,weneedtounderstandtheneedsofourchildren,andprovidethekindofloveandcarebasedonthosedifferences.
• Birthorderandpersonalityaffectsthenatureofeachchild,sodealwitheachoneaccordingly.
• *Note:Ifyouhaveachildwhotrulydoeshaveaspecialneed,makesureitisnotattheexpenseoftheotherchildren.Allchildrenneedloveandattention.
5. LinkyourchildrentoAllah .• TeachandreadthemthestoryofLuqman .• IfyouinstillaloveforAllah fromayoungage,theywillhaveastrong
Islamicfoundationfortherestoftheirlives.6. Allowyourchildrentoexpresstheirfeelingsandpain.
• It’sokayforyourkids,especiallyyourboys,tocry.• Theyneedtoexpresstheirtruefeelings.Iftheycan’tcometoyou,whoelse
cantheygoto?• Thisgenerationrequiresalotofemotionalmaintenance.
7. Thereisnoperfectchildandnoperfectparent.• Parentingisalearningcurve.• It’snotyourjobtoraiseaperfectorahappychild,onlyaresponsibleone.
8. Beaconfidentparent.• Kidscanmanipulateyourweaknesses.• Don’tbeyourchild’sfriend.Beaparent.Friendswilltellthemwhatthey
wanttohear,butparentswilltellthemwhattheyneedtohear.9. Youandyourspouseneedtoworkasateam.
• Ifyoustartmakingdecisionsindependentlyofyourspouse,youunderminetheirauthorityinfrontofthechildren.
10. Parentsneedtolearntoletgo.• Atsomepoint,yourkidswillgrowup.Whentheydo,they’rejustgrowingup,
notgrowingaway.• Donotbecomeattachedandclingy.Thiswillslowdowntheprocessofthem
becomingsuccessfuladults.
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FOURSTYLESOFPARENTING
HighDemand LowDemand
HighResponsiveness Authoritative Permissive
LowResponsiveness Authoritarian Neglectful
Demand:disciplineResponsiveness:emotionalaspect
1. Authoritative• Highresponsiveness,highdemand.• Theycarehighlyforthechildren,buttheyalsohaveorderandsetrules.
o “AsmuchasIloveyou,Ihavetoputrules”&“IputrulesbecauseIloveyou.”
• *Bestparentingstyle
2. Authoritarian• Lowresponsiveness,highdemand.• Lowcompassionforchildren,butlotsofrules.• “BecauseIsaidso.”
3. Permissive
• Highresponsiveness,lowdemand.• Lotsofcompassionandemotion,butnotenoughrules.• Parentsareafraidtoputrulesandeasilygiveintochildren’sdemands.
4. Neglectful
• Lowdemand,lowresponsiveness.• Nocompassionandnorules.• Parentsdon’tcare.
Thebestparentingstyleisauthoritative.Theotherthreestylesarealltheworst,becauseeachofthemhasitsowndestructivecapacity.Whenparentsareafraid,kidscaneasilymanipulatethem.Whenparentsareextremelystrict,theycandestroythespiritoftheirkids.
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CHILDRENANDTHEMESSENGEROFALLAH BecausetheProphetMuhammad receivedrevelationlateroninhislife,therearenotmanyaccountsofhowhedealtwithhisownchildren,untiltheybecameadults.TheProphetwasveryclosewithhisdaughterFatima ,andwhenevershecametovisitherfather,hewouldalwaysgetupforher.TheProphet usedtokissheronherforeheadandseatherrightnexttohim.Hewouldgiveherspecialattentionbywhisperingthingstoher,whileseatedinfrontofhiswives.HegaveherlotsofattentionanddearlylovedFatima;fromher,hebecamethegrandfatherofHassanandHussain.ThereisanotherbeautifulstoryoftheProphet andhiseldestdaughterZainab .DuringtheBattleofBadr,Zainab’shusbandwascapturedandshestillresidedinMakkah.TheProphetaskediftherewasanyransomtobegiventoreleasesomeoftheprisonersofwar,andZainabtookoffhernecklace,whichwasgiventoherbyhermother,Khadija ,andsentitasaransomforherhusband.Uponseeingthenecklace,theProphet recognizeditandhisheartmeltedforZainab.HetookpermissionfromthepeopletofreeZainab’shusbandwithoutransomandwhentheyagreed,hetoldherhusbandtopromisehimthatassoonashegottoMakkah,hewouldsendZainabtotheProphet inMadinah.Furthermore,whenZainabpassedaway,theProphet tookoffhisouterclothandwrappedherwithitsothatshewouldhaveanarticleofhisclothingtoprotectherandgiveherblessingsinhergrave.AsheburiedZainab,hestartedtocry.ThisshowsthedeeplovethattheProphet hadforhisdaughter.TheProphet usedtotakebreakfromassignments,andonce,duringameetingwithaleaderofabedouintribe,hestoppedatthehouseofFatima .Uponseeingtheirgrandfather,HassanandHusseincamerunning,TheProphet wouldgrabtheirhandsandhugandkissthem.Thebedouinleaderwasshockedtoseethis.Hesaid,“Ihave10boysandIhaveneverkissedanyofthem!”TheProphet said,“CanIputmercyinyourheartafterAllah hasremovedit?”
CHAPTER FIVEThe Extended Family
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Chapter 5: The Extended Family What is Rahm?
Ar-rahmmeansthewomb,anditisusedtoexpressmeaningofkinshipintheArabiclanguage,becausethatishowkinshipisestablished.THEPEOPLEWHOCOUNTASARHAMAllahsaysinSurahal–Shu’ara’:
“Say(OhMuhammad),norewarddoIaskofyouforthisexcepttobekindtomeformy
kinshipwithyou.”Surahal-Shu’ara’,42:23Blood Relations Thosewhoareclosesttoyou,intermsofbloodties,areconsideredawliya,andhavemorerightuponyou.Forexample,whohasmorerightuponyou,youruncleoryourcousin?Intermsofrightsandobligations,youruncledoes,sinceheiscloserinkinshiptoyouthanyourcousin.But,intermsoffriendship,probablyyourcousin,sinceheiscloserinagetoyouthanyouruncle.Similarly,yoursiblingshavemorerightsonyouthantheirchildren(yourniecesandnephews).Youshouldstrivetohaveagoodrelationshipwithallyourfamilymembers.The In-Laws Unlessyourin-lawsareyourbloodrelationsbeforemarriage,in-lawsarenotconsideredtobebloodrelations.Theyarenotconsidered“rahm”.However,outofrespectforthefactthattheyarethebloodrelationsofyourspouse,youshouldtreatthemwithkindness.Eventhoughyoudon'thavetotreatyourmother-in-lawandfather-in-lawlikeyourownparents,youarestillobligatedtohaveagoodrelationshipwiththemsincetheyareolderthanyou.TheProphet said,“Heisnotatruebeliever;theonewhodoesn’tshowrespectto
olderonesandmercytoyoungerones.”Betweenahusbandandwife,oneofthemainissuesarisesbetweenthemother-in-lawandthedaughter-in-law.Intermsoftakingcareofhermother-in-lawandfather-in-law,itisnotthedaughter-in-law’sresponsibility.Itistheirson’sresponsibilitytotakecareofthem.However,mostpeopletodaycomefromsmallfamiliesandtheresponsibilityoftakingcareoftheparentsusuallyfallsononlyoneortwokids.Ifyou’regoingtogetmarried,youshouldknowwhatthefuturelookslike,andknowthatitislikelythatwhenyougetabit
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older,youwillhavetotakecareofyourin-laws.Beaccommodatingandrespectfulofthismatterasitisanobligationuponyourspouse.Themainreasonforconflictbetweenthemother-in-lawanddaughter-in-lawisuncertainty.Thenatureofthemotheristoprotectherchildrenandmakesuretheyarefed,clothed,andwelltakencareof.Becauseofthis,itisnaturalforthemothertoconstantlyaskaboutthewell-beingofherson,which,oftentimes,thedaughter-in-lawtakesasapersonalattackagainstherself,implyingthathermother-in-lawdoesnotthinkhersonisbeingtakencareofbyhiswife.But,amotherisjustdoingwhatshehasalwaysdoneherwholelife:makingsurehersonisokay.ThiswasevenseenatthetimeoftheProphetMuhammad
.Once,whentheProphet wasolder,sometimeinhis50’s,hewenttothehouseofUmmAyman ,whowashismaternalaunt.Themomenthecamein,sheaskedhim,“Areyouhungry?Comeandhavesomethingtoeat.”TheProphet said,“I’mnothungry.”ButUmmAymaninsistedthattheProphetcomeandeatsomething,asitwasherinstincttocontinuecaringforsomeonewhowaslikeherson,evenwhenhewaswellintohis50’s.Itisjustthenatureofthemother,sothedaughter-in-lawshouldnottakeoffensetoit.Sowhatisthesolutiontomother-in-lawanddaughter-in-lawconflicts?Themanhimself,actually,canresolvethesituation.Mostguysmakethemistakeoftryingtomediatethingsandcontrolthesituation.Hefeelsobligedtoalleviatethesituationandstartsnegotiatingbetweenhismotherandhiswife.Instead,thebestthinghecandoisdealwiththemseparately.Loveyourmotherthewaysheneedstobeloved,andloveyourwifethewaysheneedstobeloved.Listentobothsides,butdon’treact,anddon’ttakesides.Stayneutral.Alltheywantisforsomeonetolistentothemandfeelliketheirfeelingsarebeingvalidated.Thesameconceptappliestoeveryoneastheydealwithothermembersoftheirimmediateandextendedfamily.Thecirclesmaychange,buttheconceptremainsthesame.Mostofthetime,thecirclesthemselvesaren’tstagnanteither.Whenonechanges,itcanshiftandchangeothercircles.Forexample,ifthesister-in-lawhasanargumentwiththedaughter-in-law,shemighttellhermother-in-law,sonow,boththemother-in-lawandsister-in-lawareupsetwiththedaughter-in-law.Learntobeemotionallyintelligent!Leadership,marketing,sales,andnegotiationsarekeytohandlingmost,ifnotall,relationships.
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THEIMPORTANCEOFMAINTAININGTHETIESOFKINSHIPOntheauthorityofAbuAyyubal-Ansariwhosaid,“ABedouincametotheProphetwhilsthewasonajourneyandasked,‘TellmewhatwillbringmeneartotheGardenandkeepmeawayfromthefire.’Hereplied,‘WorshipAllahanddonotassociateanythingwithHim,establishtheprayer,paythealms-taxandmaintainthetiesofkinship.’”[al-Albani]
Thistellsusthatkeepingtiesofkinshipisassociatedwiththeothergreatactsofworshipmentionedinthehadith.Maintaininggoodrelationsalsoextendsourprovisionsandprolongsourtermoflife,asmentionedinanotherhadithbyBukhariandMuslim.THEMEANINGOFMAINTAININGTHETIESOFKINSHIPAlthoughitmaybedifficultsometimes,itisnecessarytomaintainthetiesofkinship.Whenothersaregoodtous,itiseasytobegoodtothem.But,whenothersarestillbadtous,weshouldstillbegoodtothem.AbuHurayrahnarratedthatamancametotheProphet andsaid,“OhMessengerofAllah(sallallahu‘alayhiwasallam),IhaverelativeswithwhomItrytokeepintouch,buttheycutmeoff.Itreatthemwell,buttheyabuseme;Iampatientandkindtowardsthem,buttheyinsultme.”TheProphetSAWsaid,“Ifyouareasyousay,thenitisasifyouareputtinghot
dustintheirmouths.Allah willcontinuetosupportyouaslongasyoucontinuetodothat.”[Muslim]
Here,theexpression“puttinghotdustintheirmouths”meansthatthismanwasbeingsonicetohisrelativesasifhewasrubbinghiskindnessintheirface.Welearnthenwhenourkinshipmightberudeordisrespectfultowardsus,weshouldcontinuedoingtherightthing.Allah willsendussupportfromtheangelsaslongaswemaintaingoodnesstowardsourrelatives.Weshouldbegoodbecausewedeservetobegood.Beingkindandrespectfultowardsothers,nomatterthecircumstance,shouldbeanessentialtraitofours.Howwetreatothersshouldnotdependonhowotherstreatus.Remember,attheendoftheday,ifwearemercifulandkindtowardsothers,Allah willbekindandmercifultowardsus.ThatishowtheProphet livedhislife.Withthatbeingsaid,humanbeingshavealimitedcapacity.Ifbeinginahostilesituationiscausingustoloseouriman,andlosefaithinhumanity,wehavetherighttotakeabreakfromdealingwithourrelatives.However,itisacase-by-casescenarioandonethatmustbediscussedwithaprofessionalscholar.
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THEDANGERSOFSEVERINGTHETIESOFKINSHIPCuttingthetiesofkinshipcanleadtocorruptionwithinourfamiliesandourcommunitiesandwillbringAllah’swrathuponus.Insomecases,itmaybejustifiedtocuttieswithone’sfamily,buttheminimumcourtesiesmustbemaintained,likegivingthemSalamwhenyouseethemorcallingonspecialoccasions.Remember,youalwaysdeservetodowhatisright.
“Sowouldyouperhaps,ifyouturnedaway,causecorruptiononearthandseveryour[tiesof]relationship?Those[whodoso]aretheonesthatAllahhascursed,soHedeafenedthemand
blindedtheirvision.”SurahMuhammad,47:22-23
AbuBakrahreportedthattheProphet said,“ThereisnosinmorelikelytobringpunishmentinthisworldinadditiontowhatisstoredupintheHereafterthanoppression
andseveringtiesofkinship.”[AbuDawudandTirmidhi]
Jubayrb.Mut’amnarratedthattheMessengerofAllah said,“OnewhoseversthetiesofkinshipwillnotbeadmittedtoJannah.”[BukhariandMuslim]
CHAPTER SIXConclusion
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Chapter 6: Conclusions Success Within the Family
THESUCCESSINTHISDUNYA
“Wealthandchildrenare[but]adornmentoftheworldlylife.Buttheenduringgooddeedsare
bettertoyourLordforrewardandbetterfor[one's]hope.”Surahal-Kahf,18:46
1. Enjoygoodcompanionshipofyourfamilyandchildreninthislife.• Remember,it’snotabouthavingthebiggesthouseorthenicestcar.It’sabout
theexperiencesandthetimeyouspendwiththem.Thatwillresonatethemostwiththem.
2. RaisethemfortherewardandtosucceedtheinHereafter• Raisingchildrenwithimanisasadaqajariyahforyou.
THESUCCESSINTHEHEREAFTERHowwillyouknowthatyouhavesucceededintheakhirah?Allah saysinSurahal-Tur:
“Andthosewhobelievedandwhosedescendantsfollowedtheminfaith-Wewilljoinwiththemtheirdescendants,andWewillnotdeprivethemofanythingoftheirdeeds.Every
person,forwhatheearned,isretained.”Surahal-Tur,52:21
THEDUAOFIBRAHIM
ThehouseholdofIbrahim isoneofthebestexamplesoffamilylifeforusintheQur’an.ThekeytohissuccesswasafoundationbaseduponthesubmissiontoAllah .Thatisthemostimportantthing.IfyouopposeAllah’srulesandlaws,youwillgettiredandexhausted.There’sonlysomuchyoucandoifyoukeepdisobeyingAllah.Conveniencedoes
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notalwaysleadtohappiness.But,ifyoufollowtherulesthatAllahhassetforus,youwillalwaysfindpeaceandtranquility,evenifitgetshardsometimes.WhenIbrahim senthisfamilytothedesertuponAllah’scommand,hedidnotnegotiatewithAllah.Instead,heobeyed.Andasheleft,hemadeduaandaskedAllahtocareofhisfamily:
“MyLord,makemeanestablisherofprayer,and[many]frommydescendants.OurLord,and
acceptmysupplication.”SurahIbrahim,14:40Eventhough,itmightbetoughtohaveahouseholdlikethatofIbrahim,itisnotimpossible.Itwill,however,requirealotofwork,effort,spirituality,andtawakkulonAllah.WhenIbrahim madetheduaabove,scholarssayhedidn’thavechildrenyet,whichmeansthathewasalwaysmakingduaforhisfamilyandhischildren.Don’tonlymakeduaforyourchildrenwhenthingsgowrong.Alwaysmakelotsofduaforyourfamilyandyourchildren.