Spitting in the Urinal by Marcus Dixon

A good insult I know is... telling someone that their face looks like a smashed crab.

One of the funniest things I have ever witnessed was a Rhodesian Ridgeback produce a picture perfect ‘ice-cream’ shit and to top it off a kid playing soccer ran right into it, almost slipping to the ground. He then walked up the stairs of my friends verandah and took his shit crusted shoes off after walking the shit up onto the verandah in front of my friends mother, and proceeded inside to play Nintendo.

When I was in year 5 I traded a kid named Andrew a DC shoecousa hat I bought at Paddys Markets which had an 8 pointed star instead of the logos usual 7 points and an overly bent or maybe even a split brim, for a pair of Mark Occhilupo Globe shoes which were 2 sizes too small for me. Lose/lose.

I was having a dream one night in which I was chewing some deliciously flavoured bubble gum. I woke up to find I had instead been chewing on a moth. Probably the same moth I had seen flying around my room just before I went to sleep that night, but who knows really.

Opening other peoples gates is usually an issue for me. There is always a specific technique which is not immediately obvious to the virgin opener of the gate. Not pushing/pulling hard enough, not lifting and turning properly, not bringing my own oil to lubricate the hinge etc. Excuse me for not wanting to break the fucking gate by trying to force my way in. Have the courtesy to write a detailed set of instructions explaining - step by step - how to successfully enter your premesis. Then we can party.

One time we were on a camping trip and we really wanted to eat a snake as none of us had tried it before. My friend, who was driving at the time, saw a snake up ahead on the road so he lined it up and ran over its head. We got out of the car and he then cut its head off with a blade he always carries. It was a Brown snake or possibly a King Brown. We took it back to camp in a plastic bag that was in the back of the car. The snake was skinned, gutted and cooked over a barrel fire on a stick before being rationed among the four of us. Finger lickin’ good.

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