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Faces that have haunted me growing up
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Whether it be a crying clown or happy clown, I do not trust
their faces. Knowing about John Wayne Gacy Jr. and “It”, has
made me want to kick any clown I see in the shin.This abnormal
fear I have is called coulrophobia. It is estimated that 18.1%
of Americans suffer from phobias. In other words, 81.9% of
Americans are nuts because the rest of us can see through that big
nose, white make up and fake hair. What is so scary about these
faces is that the real face and personality are disguised.
Most of us know about Manson but in case you are not up on your psychopaths, this man is the conspirator of the Tate and LaBianca murders. Somehow he misconstrued the Beatles’ song “Helter Skelter” as the coming of an apocalyptic race war. Manson thought that maliciously killing a pregnant lady, her friends and a normal couple residing in a Hollywood would start the coming apocalypse. Because when you think that the apocalypse is coming you want it to come as fast as possible right? In actuality, the song was about a slide in Britain. Needless to say, the Beatles are not the four horsemen of the Apocalypse. This face is a symbolic culmination of all that is completely crazy and unremorseful. It has been a reminder that some people are absolutely bat shit nuts. In a highly popular Youtube video, Charles Manson sits in a courtroom and questions his audience, “Do you feel blame? Are you mad? Uh, do you feel like wolf kabob Roth vantage? Gefrannis booj pooch boo jujube; bear-ramage. Jigiji geeji geeja geeble Google. Begep flagaggle vaggle veditch-waggle bagga?” I asked myself that everyday.
Also known as the Smoke Free Lady with a hole in her neck.
So her face isn’t necessarily scary, it is more the gaping hole in her
neck which she smokes a cigarette with. When these commercials
first appeared in 1997, I could never watch it until the end. I think
the scary part about this video is that you don’t notice the hole until
it is too late.
You always hear about people that yell at the TV screen when the main characters go into the scary house or opens the sketchy closet. Yeah, I am one of them. Never am I more conversational as when I watch the Child Eater scene of Pan’s Labyrinth. In order to help her mother and unborn baby brother, Ofelia must do mystical tasks including facing the Child Eater. Once in its lair, the little girl must unlock a door without eating any of the delicious food on the Child Eater’s table. It sits at the head of the table, frozen until a child takes a bite of the food. As long as you don’t get the munchies, you’re fine but Ofelia was denied dinner by her tyrant like stepfather. In other words, suspense and terror ensue. This monster can only see you when its eyeballs are in its hands. Moral of the story when a giant Pan, a magical half man-half goat, tells you not to drink the baby devourer’s kool aid you should listen.
The Child Eater
I can’t tell if it is more perverse that leprechauns
intimidate me or that there is a movie called,”Leprechaun in the
Hood”. There is nothing magical, delicious, lucky or charming
about demonic Leprechauns.
LepreCHauns
One of the most famous scary movie faces of all time
is Linda Blair’s portrayal of Regan MacNeil in The Exorcist.
Although her mug was scary in the movie, it’s even worse when
your “friend” decides to forward you the “Scary Maze Game”. In
what you think is a harmless 3 level maze game made in Microsoft
Paint is someone’s idea of a hilarious prank.
Spoiler alert for those who haven’t played it yet, on the
third and hardest level you are focused on winning but when you
reach a certain point in the maze, MacNeil/Blair’s demonic face
pops up with a scream. Don’t trust your friends when they email
something with the subject line of “Just a fun thing to do!” or “Cool
game I found”. They are liars.
Regan MACNeil
It was 2002 when Gore Verbinski directed the remake of
Koji Suzuki’s novel and adapted movie in Japanese. It was the year
that we all feared a ringing telephone because the person on the
other end might tell us we had seven days to It was the Ring. The
movie is awful like most horror movies are but you couldn’t help
being terrified of the Samara, the little girl in a hospital gown that
kills people for watching a videotape. Another movie like this is the
Grudge, in which a woman seeking revenge on the world kills all
that enter the house where she and her son were murdered. Enter
Sarah Michelle Gellar’s character, Karen (see front as to why I
am creeped out). Coincidence? You decide! The biggest difference
between her and I is that I would never walk into a house where an
adulterous lady and her son were killed by their husband/father.
And I never will ever watch an unlabeled video tape because it’s
2011. No one owns a VCR. Both of the evil antagonists have hair in
their faces and both make me want to pee myself, clutching a pair
of haircutting scissors.
Little Girls with Hair In their Faces
Known also as Stalking Cat, the Cat Man or my invented
third grade insult, Tiger Face. He currently lives in Nevada and
makes appearances on various events and talk shows. Avner holds
the record for most body modifications. He has spent his life try-
ing to make himself like his animal totem, the tiger. I’m sure he’s a
nice guy despite his face is offputting. Yet I can’t look away.
The campy, classic book “Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark”
is hardly creepy. Okay that song about the Hearse is spine tingly
but for the most part the book is a collection of mild horror. The
terrifying part are the illustrations. They are created with pencil
and I can’t look at them any longer than two seconds. Not only
are the images themselves slightly horrific, but the way they are
drawn was as if the sinewy pencil lines could be pulled off the
page. The book and the series it belongs to are some of the most
challenged books by the American Library Association, satanic
or occult references and the surreal, nightmarish depictions by
Stephen Gammell. The ALA has a hard time agreeing with it being
a children’s book and I must agree because it scared the crap out of
me as a kid.
Illustrations From
Scary StorIes to TEll in THe Dark
Robert is the childhood doll of painter Robert “Gene”
Eugene Otto and the inspiration of the movie, Child’s Play. The
doll was given to them by his doting nanny who wasn’t treated very
well by the the elder Ottos. Did I mention she practiced voodoo?
Nanny dearest made the doll in Robert’s likeness and it is supposed
that it was her revenge on the parents. The doll was said to be
heard at night humming and running around. He would appear
in different spots of the house on his own. Gene would seemed
to broken things and misbehave only to say “Robert did it.” Gene
would have conversations with the doll and the doll’s voice was
different. His parents thought at first Gene was answering himself
but they began to believe that the doll spoke on its own. You’d think
that would be a good time to get rid of him.
Eventually, Gene outgrows the doll and abandons him in
the attic of the house he resided in until his death. Robert was
recovered by a new family and he was given to the daughter as a
housewarming gift. The girl suffered nightmares and wakes one
night with Robert on her face as though he was trying to suffocate
her. Can I get an “Oh hell no”? Apparently he was still bitter about
Gene leaving. Robert now resides in a glass box at the Fort East
Martello Museum in Key West. He also rampages the museum and
it is said that you must ask to be taken pictures with him. If he does
not tilt his head, it’s a no. If you take a picture anyway, he curse
your whole family. To keep Robert in the glass box, the museum
staff puts peppermint candies(his favorite) along the side at night.
Every morning at open the candies are all gone. The best thing to
take from this are:
don’t take strange looking dolls from women who
practice voodoo.
don’t let your children play with the doll.
don’t go up into the fucking attic of a house built in the
1800’s or any other time period for that matter.
dolls like peppermint candies.
Robert the Doll
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