Positive confrontation

ANDHOW IT CAN MAKE YOUR LIFE

BETTER!

Positive Confrontation:

From the book The Power of Positive Confrontation by Barbara Pachter

Facilitator: Sherry Hillyard, Learning SpecialistFall 2010 Workshop Series

Main Objective: To introduce skills for becoming an effective communicator in the

midst of confrontation

What will you be learning?

1. Identifying your “confronting” style – how and why2. Exploring the essence of Polite and Powerful3. Learning to use the strategies behind “WAC’em”4. Working with the other person’s viewpoint and style5. Building rapport for handling difficult conversations6. Understanding do’s and don’ts of techno-etiquette7. Summarizing with a Review

Life is full of sticky situations

Conflict

Conflict

Conflict

Conflict

Conflict

Conflict

Conflict

Conflict

packed with difficult conversations . . .

Conflict

Conflict

Conflict

Conflict

Conflict

Conflict

Conflict

Conflict

and loaded with confrontation

Conflict

Conflict

Conflict

Conflict

Conflict

Conflict

Conflict

Conflict

12 Behaviors that can drive us crazy!!

1. Space Spongers – loud music, messes left, dog debris, property disregard

2. Telephone Traitors – you do all the calling, only calls for personal needs, leaves long messages

3. Bad Borrowers – no gas in car, CDs with scratches, spotted clothes, no loan repay

4. Constant Complainers – everyone knows one!!!

5. Interrupters – cut-off or monopolize conversations

6. Callous Commenters - nasty comments, sexist, racist jokes

7. Work Welchers – just don’t do their fair share

8. Favoritism Frustration – you get the puny or lifeless projects from your professor or boss

9. Holiday Hogs – expect to spend all holidays at the same place with the same side of the family

10. Request Refusers – being tardy, missing deadlines, not showing up for obligations

11. Atrocious Askers - you’re asked to do something that you really don’t want to do.

12. Parents or grandparents who insist they always know best . . .

Who Are You???? Self-Assessment

• Non-Confronters

1. The Complainer

2. The Avoider

3. The Pretender

• Negative Confronters

1. The Bully

2. The Shouter

3. The Self-Discounter

4. The Displacer

You know what is bothering you.You know what you want from the other person.You know your position and other’s viewpoint.You choose to confront directly /respectfully.

Polite

And

Powerful

Behavior

Defined

How to learn Polite and Powerful behavior?

WAC ‘em1. W = What’s really bothering you?

2. A = Ask yourself – what is it that you want the person to change about his/her behavior?

3. C = Check in with the other person to see what he or she thinks about your request.

W

What’s really

bothering you?

1. Be Specific: don’t generalize. Link the behavior to a specific situation. (ex. Sean was twenty minutes late for the meeting vs. Sean is always late for everything).

2. Don’t label the person’s behavior but name the specific behavior. (ex. he’s selfish, she’s inconsiderate are labels).

3. No need to say how you feel yet. (ex. concentrate on the other person not how their behavior effects you).

a

What do you want

to Ask the other person to do?

1. What you want to ask for needs to be specific – clarify.

2. If you don’t know exactly what you want, wait to confront.

3. Write your A down on paper.4. Decide how direct you should

be (hierarchy: I have to have – most, I would like – less, Is it possible – least).

5. Want vs. position – Position comes with an ultimatum

6. Ask for what is possible.

C

Check-In with the

other person.

1. This is often a question and requires a response from the person you are confronting.

a. Okay?b. Will you try this please ?c. Is this alright with you?d. I’m counting on you for

this.

Verbal Non-Verbal

1. Stop self-discounting language: maybe, perhaps, kind of, I think, I’m sorry but, I may be wrong but . . . .

2. Avoid curse, sexist, or filler words: *&$%, “um”, “like”, “ya know” . . .

3. Use “I” statements.

1. Monitor your posture and space: chin up, feet parallel, shoulders back, hands at sides . . .

2. Avoid aggressive or passive gestures: point, fists, play with hands, clips, pencils . . .

3. Maintain eye contact.

Eliminate Verbal and Non-Verbal Vices

Be prepared for apology, discussion, listening, problem-solving alternatives,

defensiveness, or aggression.

The other

side of

WAC ‘em ...

the Other Person!

Plan for

Defensive or

Aggressive

Responses

Ask for Clarification: Why are you saying that? Help me understand what you mean by ‘ridiculous’.

Use a Defusing Statement without ‘but’: That may be true. My concern right now, though, is to clear this up. That’s an interesting point.

Acknowledge the response: (R) You’re too preoccupied with money.

(C) Yes, I am concerned about money.

More

Defensive and

Aggressive

Responses

• Stay calm.• Don’t attack back.• Remain Polite and Powerful:

I understand you’re upset. However, I’d like to discuss this with you.

• Use an exit line: I cannot talk to you when you are screaming at me. I’d be happy to continue the conversation when you can talk to me normally.

• Decide if the relationship is worth continuing – do the benefits outweigh the drawbacks?

1. PRACTICE!

Eleven Simple Things for being a Positive Confronter

Eleven Simple Things . . .

2. Handle Your Jitters (remember to breathe!)

3. Fake Confidence Until You Feel It

4. Visualize Yourself Being Polite and Powerful

5. Positive Self Talk – You ARE Polite and Powerful

6. Find a Polite and Powerful Role Model

7. Build Your Confidence With Role-Playing

8. Pick the Right Approach and Time (not at Happy Hour!)

9. Keep It Short and Simple

10. Follow Up With the Other Person

11. Follow Up With Yourself (reflect and evaluate)

Establish Positive RapportListen - Maintain Eye Contact -

PoliteBe kind and considerate!

Be Proactive

!!!!!

Learn How to Avoid

Causing Conflict

Techno-Etiquette

E-Mail

Cell Phone

Voice Messages

E-mail: No confidential information . . .

or reprimanding, blowing off steam. Watch spelling and grammar.

Never all caps, avoid chain letters, jokes, thank yous, and condolences.

Cell phone:No conversations in public

places!Voice Messages:

Speak clearly, give complete name and phone number at beginning and end of message, brief reason for call.

Why am I communicating this way? Is this appropriate?Am I possibly offending

someone?

Stop

Think

Review

Send

In Summary . . .

Know your style as a confronter and communicator.Be direct, honest, and polite when telling someone how

their behavior effects you.Practice using positive confrontation skills.Remember WAC: What, Ask, Check-InVisualize and believe in yourself as a positive

confronter.Rehearse an exit line to use when things aren’t going

well.Self-evaluate after confronting: what to keep/change.Follow-up with the other person.Review etiquette skills.

Enjoy the benefits of Positive Confrontation!

and . . .

Treat Others Politely

and Powerfull

y

AIM participations will receive credit for viewing this Power Point presentation by answering the questions below and emailing your replies to aim@ship.edu.

1. Was this presentation useful?2. Which part of the presentation did you find most useful?3. Which part of the presentation was the least useful?4. What are you going to do now based on what you have learned from this presentation?

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