RECALIBRATING YOUR MARRIAGE CONVERSATION - Wade and Debbie Cook 4-23-16

recalibrating

your marriage Conversation

The goal of Marriage Communication is to strengthen the friendship that is

at the heart of every marriage.

How good and pleasant it is when God’s people live together in unity !Psalm 133:1

We wanted those rings!!

Dr. John and Julie Gottman

119 Articles 38 books

the marriage Clinic: a scientifically based

marital therapy

Learning from the “relationship masters and disasters” (2004)

The staples of a sound marriage, regardless of age, race, socio-economic makeup or culture are:

1. an overall level of positive affect

2. An ability to reduce negative affect during conflict resolution - increase your ability to sooth each other.

The way you say it, matters!

• Caring partners converse in a caring way.

• How you say it is as much important as what you say!

• Body language communicates, “I am listening to you and this is important.”

• Silence does not communicate, “I agree with you.”

affective Communication!

I wish you knew how much I like you, how much I love talking to you and how much I wish you were mine. - Anonymous

Communication Disasters…

Respecting your • Never use conversation as a form of punishment (ridicule,

name calling, swearing, or sarcasm). Conversation should be constructive not destructive. Proverbs 8:13 To fear the Lord is to hate evil; I hate pride and arrogance, evil behavior and perverse speech.

• Never use conversation to force your spouse to agree with your way of thinking. Respect your spouse’s feelings and opinions, especially when yours are different. Psalm 10:7 His mouth is full of lies and threats; trouble and evil are under his tongue.

• Never use conversation to remind each other of past mistakes. Avoid dwelling on present mistakes as well.

Complaint, Criticism & Contempt

•A COMPLAINT is specific statement, limited to one situation. It states how you feel. (“I am upset because you didn't take out the garbage tonight.”)

employ complaint language

• Complaints are specific. • “X, Y, Z” statements.• “When you did (or didn't do) X in situation Y, I

felt Z.”• Example: “When you didn't call to tell me you

were going to be late (X) for our dinner appointment (Y), I felt frustrated (Z).”

A CRITICISM tends to be global statement and includes blaming your partner. You'll often find the word always or never in a criticism.

“Why do you keep putting your friends ahead of me? We were supposed to have dinner alone tonight.” (Criticism)

e.g., “You were supposed to check with me before inviting anyone over for dinner. I wanted to spend time alone with you tonight.” (Complaint)

Criticism

•CONTEMPT also is a global statement that adds to criticism a frustration bordering on disgust with who the person IS. It is veiled character assassination which immediately erodes the recipients confidence through use of open ended questions that have no valid answer. Contempt also blocks avenues of conversation.

Contempt• e.g., “You were supposed to check with me before inviting anyone over for dinner. I wanted to spend time alone with you tonight.” (Complaint)

• “You always put your friends ahead of me don’t you? Clearly I come last with you. You knew we were supposed to have dinner tonight.” I can never depend on you.(Contempt)

®Examples

1. I am upset that you didn't pay the gas bill. Complaint Criticism Contempt

2. How can I ever trust you? Complaint Criticism Contempt

3. You are totally irresponsible. Complaint Criticism Contempt

®Questions 4-11

4. You stupid jerk! Complaint Criticism Contempt

5. I should have known you'd pull something like that.

Complaint Criticism Contempt

6. You are just terrible with the kids. Complaint Criticism Contempt

7. When we don't go out together I feel like you take me for granted.

Complaint Criticism Contempt

8. I wish that you'd touch me more and be more affectionate.

Complaint Criticism Contempt

9. Don't interrupt!Complaint Criticism Contempt

10. You just never care about my feelings.

Complaint Criticism Contempt

11. Leave it to you to screw up the vacation plans!

Complaint Criticism Contempt

®Questions 12-19

12. Whose fault is it then? Complaint Criticism Contempt

13. Don't tell me you didn't know any better.

Complaint Criticism Contempt

14. I'm sick to death of your behavior.

Complaint Criticism Contempt

15. Have you got an attitude problem?

Complaint Criticism Contempt

16. When you don't listen to me I feel unimportant.

Complaint Criticism Contempt

17. I'm upset you didn't clean up the dishes last night.

Complaint Criticism Contempt

18. You're just like your mother! Complaint Criticism Contempt

19. How can you hurt me like this? Complaint Criticism Contempt

®Guidelines

➩ Remove the blame from your comments.➩ Say how you feel.➩ Don't criticize your partner's personality. ➩ Don't insult, mock, or use sarcasm. ➩ Be direct. ➩ Stick with one situation. ➩ Don't try to analyze your partner's personality.➩ Don't mind-read.

Communication Masters

Seven tools to recalibrate your marriage communication…

1.Become a student again of your spouse

What do you know of your spouse?

Never stop Dating!• When you were dating, your best dates were

centered around showing affection for one another and having conversation.

• When you were dating there were two primary goals: 1. to get to know each other more thoroughly, and 2. let each other know how much they care for each other.

• That should not drop off over the years.

2. Nurture Fondness, Admiration and Respect

The Love Bank Model

Why won’t my husband talk to • Many men do not seem to have as much of a need for

conversation as wives do. Quietness may be a personality trait.

• Many women seem to enjoy conversation for its own sake.

• Conversation that satisfies a women’s needs must focus on the events of HER day, people she may have encountered, and most of all-how she feels about them.

• She wants verbal attention! And, she enjoys giving verbal attention to her husband.

Why won’t my husband talk to

• Most important, a woman wants to be with someone who-in her perception-cares deeply about her and for her. When she perceives this kind of caring, she feels close to the person with who she talks.

• A woman bonds through conversation

• If a spouse’s job takes them out of town there is a need to reestablish that emotional bonding.

• The timing matters! Don’t bomb bard!

3. Recognize and accept your spouses bids for

connection

respond to your partner’s bids for connection (esp. men)

It takes time to communicate!• If a husband seriously want to meet his

wife’s need to feel close to him, he will give the task sufficient time and attention.

• Set aside 14-15 hours a week to give your spouse Undivided Attention in conversation.

• That is a little over 2 hours per day to devote to your spouse, or you can also take more time on a special date out. That means less TV, Facebook, hanging out in the man cave. More time being together. Social Media challenge!!

It takes time to communicate!• A given activity qualifies to be part of the

fifteen-hour goal if you can affirmatively answer, “Does this activity allow us to focus primarily on each other?”

• Activities like taking a walk or long drive, going to a restaurant, boating on a quiet pond, golfing, sunbathing at the beach, hiking. Not a 3 hour movie or something that requires concentration.

Balancing the • 8 minutes of one spouse talking and 2 minutes

of the other spouse talking is not mutually fulfilling.

• Couples must balance the conversation for example 5 minutes and 5 minutes, giving him an equal amount of time to speak. One spouse might not even be aware of their habit to interrupt the other and take over the conversation

Balancing the • Those who monopolize conversation

create an unwanted habit in their spouse- Silence.

• It may take your spouse two or three seconds to begin a sentence, but allow whatever time is necessary. Also remember to wait until your spouse completes a thought before commenting on it.

Some conversation starters• What has made you feel good today?

• What has made you feel bad today?

• What was the most important part of your day?

• What was the most stressful part of your day?

P R A C T I C E O U R C O N N E C T I O N S K I L L S

4. Let your partner influence you

accept your partner’s influence (especially men)

5. solve your solvable problems

- 69% aren’t solvable

6.OVERCOME GRIDLOCK

develop ways of coping with the unsolvable

7. CREATE SHARED MEANING

nurture existential meaning and dreams

Play Together!• Recreational companionship develops communication. The

more active you are together, the more naturally you will have things to communicate about. Conversation will become easier and more interesting and you can meet their need with less effort. It will become natural and spontaneous.

• Play together and talk together! Don’t always have separate hobbies or you will talk to those people instead.

• Have mutual interests and make an effort to become more involved in each other’s day.

• Develop interest in each other’s favorite topics of conversation.

Questions for Him• Do I spend time talking to my wife on a deep level expressing

my feelings? How close are you to the fifteen-hour goal of conversation each week? Should we make changes?

• Do you weekly have a date with your wife?

• Do I share interests with my wife? How can I improve?

• Does my career take me away from my wife? What can I do to

Questions for Her• Do I miss anything from our dating days? Do we still have the

kind of communication we shared then?

• Am I doing anything that hinders conversation? Do I have a job that requires much travel? Do I talk too much? What can I do to improved such a situation?

• What interests do I share with my husband? What do we talk about together? Are there any other areas we could share in?

• What activities could we try together to stimulate conversation? What is your husband’s favorite topic to talk about?

To consider together• Are our spheres of interests totally separate, or do they

overlap? If they overlap, what areas of mutual interest do we have? Do we communicate about them enough?

• Do we have meaningful conversations, not just about the kids or schedules or household duties, but feelings and concerns.

• How can we rearrange our schedules to work toward a goal of fifteen hours a week of real communication together?

recalibrating

your marriage Conversation