BeautifulBoyA

Father'sJourneyThroughHisSon'sAddiction

DavidSheff

HOUGHTONMIFFLINCOMPANYBoston·NewYork

2008

Copyright©2008byDavidSheff

ALLRIGHTSRESERVED

Forinformationaboutpermissiontoreproduceselectionsfromthisbook,writetoPermissions,

HoughtonMifflinCompany,215ParkAvenueSouth,NewYork,NewYork10003.

www.houghtonmifflinbooks.com

LibraryofCongressCataloging-in-PublicationData

Sheff,David.

Beautifulboy:afather'sjourneythroughhisson'saddiction/DavidSheff.

p.cm.ISBN-13:978-0-618-68335-2ISBN-10:0-618-68335-6

1.Drugabuse—Treatment—California.

2.Methamphetamineabuse—Treatment—California.3.Childrenofdivorced

parents—California.I.Title.HV5831.C2S542006

362.29'9—dc22[B]2006026981

BookdesignbyMelissaLotfy

PrintedintheUnitedStatesofAmerica

MP10987654321

Thisbookisforthewomenandmenwhohavededicatedtheirlivestounderstandingandcombatingaddictionatrehabs,hospitals,researchcenters,sober-livingandhalfwayhouses,andorganizationsdevotedtoeducationaboutdrugabuse,aswellastheanonymous—thebraveoneswhokeepcomingback—atcountlesstwelve-stepmeetingseverydayandnightthroughouttheworld—tothemandtheirfamilies:thepeoplewhounderstandmyfamily'sstorybecausetheyhavelivedandarelivingit,thefamiliesoftheaddicted—theirchildren,brothersandsisters,friends,partners,husbandsandwives,andparentslikeme."It'sjustthatyoucan'thelpthemandit'sallsodiscouraging,"wroteF.ScottFitzgerald.Butthetruthis,youdohelpthem,andyouhelponeanother.Youhelpedme.Alongwiththem,thisbookisdedicatedtomywife,KarenBarbour,andmychildren,Nic,Jasper,andDaisySheff.

Contentsintroduction1

PART1stayuplate17

PARTIIhisdrugofchoice105

PARTIIIwhatever123

PARTIVifonly171

PARTVneveranyknowing235

epilogue307

Acknowledgments319

Resources321

Credits325

Whenyoucrossthestreet,Takemyhand.

—JOHNLENNON,"BeautifulBoy(DarlingBoy)"

IntroductionIthurtssobadthatIcannotsavehim,protecthim,keephimoutofharm'sway,shieldhimfrompain.Whatgoodarefathersifnotforthesethings?

—THOMASLYNCH,"TheWayWeAre"

"HowdyPop,God,Imissyouguyssomuch.Ican'twaittoseeyouall.Onlyonemoreday!!!Woo-hoo."

Nicisemailingfromcollegeontheeveningbeforehearriveshomeforsummervacation.JasperandDaisy,oureight-andfive-year-olds,aresittingatthekitchentablecutting,pasting,andcoloringnotesandwelcome-homebannersforhishomecoming.Theyhavenot

seentheirbigbrotherinsixmonths.

Inthemorning,whenit'stimetoleavefortheairport,Igooutsidetoroundthemup.Daisy,wetandmuddy,isperchedonabranchhighupinamapletree.Jasperstandsbelowher."Yougivemethatbackorelse!"hewarns.

"No,"sheresponds."It'smine?"Thereisbolddefianceinhereyes,butthen,whenhestartstoclimbupthetree,shethrowsdowntheGandalfdollhe'safter.

"It'stimetogogetNic,"Isay,andtheydashpastmeintothehouse,chanting,"NickyNickyNicky."

Wedrivethehourandahalftotheairport.Whenwereachtheterminal,Jasperyells,"There'sNic."Hepoints."There!"

Nic,anarmy-greenduffelbagslungoverhisshoulder,leansagainstaNOPARKINGsignonthecurboutsideUnitedbaggageclaim.LankythininafadedredT-shirtandhisgirlfriend'scardigan,saggingjeansthatridebelowhisbonyhips,andredConverseAll-Stars,whenheseesus,hisfacebrightensandhewaves.

Thekidsbothwanttositnexttohim,andso,afterthrowinghisbagsintothewayback,heclimbsoverJasperandbucklesinbetweenthem.Inturnheclaspseachoftheirheadsbetweenthepalmsofhishandsandkissestheircheeks."It'ssogoodtoseeyou,"hesays."Imissedyoulittleboinkers.Likecrazy."Tousupfront,headds,"You,too,PopsandMama."

AsIdriveawayfromtheairport,Nicdescribeshisflight."Itwastheworst,"hesays."Iwasstucknexttoaladywhowouldn'tstoptalking.Shehadplatinumhairwithpeakslikeonlemonmeringuepie.

CruellaDeVilhorn-rimmedeyeglassesandprunelipsandthickpinkfacepowder."

"CruellaDeVil?"Jasperasks.Heiswide-eyed.

Nicnods."Justlikeher.Hereyelasheswerelongandfalse—purple,andsheworethisperfume:EaudeStinky."Heholdshisnose."Yech."Thekidsarerapt.

WedriveacrosstheGoldenGateBridge.AriverofthickfogpoursbelowusandwrapsaroundtheMarinHeadlands.Jasperasks,"Nic,areyoucomingtoStep-Up?"referringtohisandDaisy'supcominggraduationcelebration.Thekidsaresteppingupfromsecondgradetothirdandkindergartentofirstgrade.

"Wouldn'tmissitforalltheteainChina,"Nicresponds.

Daisyasks,"Nic,doyourememberthatgirlDaniela?Shefellofftheclimbingstructureandbrokehertoe."

"Ouch."

"Shehasacast,"Jasperadds.

"Acastonhertoe?"Nicasks."Itmustbeteeny."

Jaspergravelyreports,"They'llcutitoffwithahacksaw."

"Hertoe?"

Theyallgiggle.

Afterawhile,Nictellsthem,"Ihavesomethingforyoukiddos.Inmysuitcase."

"Presents!"

"Whenwegethome,"hesays.

Theybeghimtotellthemwhat,butheshakeshishead."Noway,José.It'sasurprise."

Icanseethethreeofthemintherearviewmirror.JasperandDaisyhavesmootholivecomplexions.Nic'swas,too,butnowit'sgauntandrice-papery.Theireyesarebrownandclear,whereashisaredarkglobes.Theirhairisdarkbrown,butNic's,longandblondwhenhewasachild,isfadedlikeafieldinlatesummer,withsmashed-downsiennapatchesandsticking-upyellowedclumps—aresultofhisunfortunateattempttobleachitwithClorox.

"Nic,willyoutellusaPJstory?"Jasperbegs.ForyearsNichasentertainedthekidswiththeAdventuresofPJFumblebumble,aBritishdetectiveofhisinvention.

"Later,mister,Ipromise."

Weheadnorthonthefreeway,exitingandturningwest,meanderingthroughaseriesofsmalltowns,awoodedstatepark,andthenhillypastureland.WestopinPointReyesStationtoretrievethemail.It'simpossibletobeintownwithoutrunningintoadozenfriends,allofwhomarepleasedtoseeNic,bombardinghimwithquestionsaboutschoolandhissummerplans.FinallywedriveoffandfollowtheroadalongPapermillCreektoourleftturn,whereIheadupthehillandpullintoourdriveway.

"Wehaveasurprise,too,Nicky,"saysDaisy.

Jasperlookssternlyather."Don'tyoutellhim!"

"It'ssigns.Wemadethem."

"Dai-sy..."

Lugginghisbags,Nicfollowsthekidsintothehouse.Thedogschargehim,barkingandhowling.Atthetopofthestairs,Nicisgreetedbythekids'bannersanddrawings,includingahedgehog,captioned,"ImissNic,boohoo,"drawnbyJasper.Nicpraisestheirartistryandthentrudgesintohisbedroomtounpack.Sinceheleftforcollege,hisroom,aPompeianredchamberatthefarendofthehouse,hasbecomeanadjunctplayroomwithadisplayofJasper'sLegocreations,includingamaharaja'scastleandmotorizedR2-D2.Preparingforhisreturn,KarenclearedoffDaisy'smenagerieofstuffedanimalsandmadeupthebedwithacomforterandfreshpillows.

WhenNicemerges,hisarmsareloadedwithgifts.ForDaisy,thereareJosefinaandKirsten,AmericanGirldolls,hand-me-downsfromhisgirlfriend.Theyareprettilydressedin,respectively,anembroideredpeasantblouseandserapeandagreenvelvetjumper.Jaspergetsapairofcannon-sizedSuperSoakers.

"Afterdinner,"NicwarnsJasper,"youwillbesowetthatyou'llhavetoswimbackintothehouse."

"You'llbesowetyou'llneedaboat."

"You'llbewetterthanawetnoodle."

"You'llbesowetthatyouwon'tneedashowerforayear."

Niclaughs."That'sfinewithme,"hesays."It'llsavemealotoftime."

Weeatandthentheboysfillupthesquirtgunsandhastenoutsideintothewindyevening,runninginoppositedirections.KarenandIwatchfromthelivingroom.Stalkingeachother,theboyslurkamongtheItaliancypressandoaks,duckundergardenfurniture,andcreepbehindhedges.Whentheygetacleanshot,theysquirteachotherwiththinstreamsofwater.Hiddenbehindsomepottedhydrangeas,Daisywatchesfromnearthehouse.Whentheboysracepasther,shetwirlsaspigotshe'sgraspingwithonehandandtakesaimwithagardenhoseshe'sholdingintheother.Shedrenchesthem.

Istoptheboysjustasthey'reabouttocatchher."Youdon'tdeservetoberescued,"Itellher,"butit'sbedtime."

JasperandDaisytakebathsandputontheirpajamasandthenaskNictoreadtothem.

Hesitsonaminiaturecouchbetweentheirtwinbeds,hislonglegsstretchedoutonthefloor.HereadsfromTheWitches,byRoaldDahl.Wehearhisvoice—voices—fromthenextroom:theboynarrator,allwonderandearnestness;wryandcreakyGrandma;andtheshrieking,haggyGrandHighWitch.

"Childrenarefoulandfilthy!...Childrenaredirtyandstinky!...Childrenaresmellingofdogs'drrrroppings!...Theyarevursethandogs'drrroppings!Dogs'drrroppingsissmellinglikevioletsandprrrimrosescomparedwithchildren!"

Nic'sperformanceisirresistible,andthechildren,asalways,arerivetedbyhim.

Atmidnight,thestormthathasbeenbuildingfinallyhits.There'sahardrain,andintermittentvolleysofhailstonespeltdownlikemachine-gunfireonthecopperrooftiles.Werarelyhaveelectricalstorms,buttonighttheskylightsuplikepoppingflashbulbs.

Betweenthunderclaps,Ihearthecreakingoftreebranches.IalsohearNicpaddingalongthehallway,makingteainthekitchen,quietlystrumminghisguitarandplayingBjörk,Bollywoodsoundtracks,andTomWaits,whosingshissensibleadvice:"Neverdriveacarwhenyou'redead."IworryaboutNic'sinsomniabutpushawaymysuspicions,remindingmyselfhowfarhehascomesincethepreviousschoolyear,whenhedroppedoutofBerkeley.Thistime,hewenteasttocollegeandcompletedhisfreshmanyear.Givenwhatwehavebeenthrough,thisfeelsmiraculous.Bymycount,heiscominguponhisonehundredandfiftiethdaywithoutmethamphetamine.

Inthemorningthestormhaspassed,andthesunshimmersonthewetmapleleaves.IdressandjoinKarenandthelittlekidsinthekitchen.Nic,wearingflannelpajamabottoms,afrayingwoolsweater,andx-rayspecs,shufflesin.Hehoversoverthekitchencounter,fussingwiththeespressomaker,fillingitwithwaterandcoffeeandsettingitonaflame,andthensitsdowntoabowlofcerealwithJasperandDaisy.

"Daisy,"hesays."Yourhoseattackwasbrilliant,butI'mgoingtogetyouforit.Watchyourback."

Shecranesherneck."Ican'tseeit."

Nicsays,"Iloveyou,youwacko."

SoonafterDaisyandJasperleaveforschool,ahalf-dozenwomenarrivetohelpKarenmakeagoing-awaygiftforabelovedteacher.Theybejewelaconcretebirdbathwithseashells,polishedstones,andhandmade(bystudents)tiles.Astheywork,theychatandsiptea.

Ihideinmyoffice.

Thewomenaretakingalunchbreakintheopenkitchen.OneofthemothershasbroughtChinesechickensalad.Nic,whohadgonebacktosleep,emergesfromhisbedroom,shakingofhisgrogginessandgreetingthewomen.Hepolitelyanswerstheirquestions—onceagain,aboutcollegeandhissummerplans—andthenexcuseshimself,sayingthathe'sofftoajobinterview.

Afterheleaves,Ihearthemotherstalkingabouthim."Whatalovelyboy."

"He'sdelightful."

Onecommentsonhisgoodmanners."You'reverylucky,"shetellsKaren."Ourteenagesonsortofgrunts.Otherwisehenevergivesusthetimeofday."

Inacouplehours,Nicreturnstoaquiethouse—themosaicingmothershavegonehome.Hegotthejob.TomorrowhegoesinfortrainingasawaiteratanItalianrestaurant.Thoughheisaghastattherequireduniform,includingstiffblackshoesandaburgundyvest,hewastoldthathewillmakepilesofmoneyintips.

Thefollowingafternoon,afterthetrainingsession,Nicpracticesonus,drawinghischaracterfromthewaiterinoneofhismemorizedvideos,LadyandtheTramp.Wearesittingdownfordinner.Withonehandaloft,balancinganimaginarytray,heenters,singinginalilting

Italianaccent,"Oh,thisisthenight,it'sabeautifulnight,andwecallitbellanotte."

Afterdinner,NicasksifhecanborrowthecartogotoanAAmeeting.Aftermissedcurfewsandassortedotherinfractions,includingbangingupbothofourcars(efficientlydoingitinoneaccident,drivingoneintotheother),bylastsummerhehadlostdrivingprivileges,butthisrequestseemsreasonable—AAmeetingsareanessentialcomponentofhiscontinuedrecovery—andsoweagree.Heheadsoutinthestationwagon,stilldentedfromtheearliermishap.Thenhedutifullyreturnshomeafterthemeeting,tellingusthatheaskedsomeonehemettobehissponsorwhilehe'sintown.

Thenextdayherequeststhecaragain,thistimesohecanmeetthesponsorforlunch.OfcourseIlethim.Iamimpressedbyhisassiduousnessandhisadherencetotheruleswehavesetdown.Heletsusknowwherehe'sgoingandwhenhewillbehome.Hearriveswhenhepromiseshewill.Onceagain,heisgoneforabriefcouplehours.

Thefollowinglateafternoonafireburnsinthelivingroomfireplace.Sittingonthetwincouches,Karen,Nic,andIreadwhilenearby,onthefadedrug,JasperandDaisyplaywithLegopeople.Lookingupfromagnome,DaisytellsNicabouta"meanypotatohead"boywhopushedherfriendAlana.Nicsaysthathewillcometoschoolandmakehima"mashedmeanypotatohead."

IamsurprisedtohearNicquietlysnoringawhilelater,butataquartertoseven,heawakenswithastart.Checkinghiswatch,hejumpsupandsays,"Ialmostmissedthemeeting,"andonceagainasksifhecanborrowthecar.

Iampleasedthatthoughhe'sexhaustedandwouldhavebeen

contenttosleepforthenight,heiscommittedtotheworkofrecovery,committedenoughtorousehimself,splashhisfacewithwaterinthebathroomsink,brushhishairoutofhiseyeswithhisfingers,throwonacleanT-shirt,andraceoutofthehousesothathewillbeontime.

It'safterelevenandNicisn'thome.Ihadbeensotired,butnowI'mwideawakeinbed,feelingmoreandmoreuneasy.Thereareamillionharmlessexplanations.Often,groupsofpeopleatAAmeetingsgooutafterwardforcoffee.Orhecouldbetalkingwithhisnewsponsor.Icontendwithtwosimultaneous,opposingmonologues,onereassuringmethatI'mfoolishandparanoid,theothercertainthatsomethingisdreadfullywrong.BynowIknowthatworryisuseless,butitshootsinandtakesovermybodyatthetouchofahairtrigger.Idon'twanttoassumetheworst,butsomeofthetimesNicignoredhiscurfew,itpresageddisaster.

Istareintothedark,myanxietymounting.Itisapatheticallyfamiliarstate.IhavebeenwaitingforNicforyears.Atnight,pasthiscurfew,Iwouldwaitforthecar'sgrindingengine,whenitpulledintothedrivewayandthenwentsilent.Atlast—Nic.Theshuttingcardoor,footsteps,thefrontdooropeningwithaclick.DespiteNic'sattemptatstealth,Brutus,ourchocolateLab,usuallyyelpedahalfheartedbark.OrIwouldwaitforthetelephonetoring,nevercertainifitwouldbehim("Hey,Pop,how'reyadoin'?")orthepolice("Mr.Sheff,wehaveyourson").Wheneverhewaslateorfailedtocall,Iassumedcatastrophe.Hewasdead.Alwaysdead.

ButthenNicwouldarrivehome,creepingupthehallwaystairs,hishandslidingalongthebanister.Orthetelephonewouldring.

"Sorry,Pop,I'matRichard'shouse.Ifellasleep.IthinkI'lljustcrashhereratherthandriveatthishour.I'llseeyouinthemorning.Iloveyou."Iwouldbefuriousandrelieved,both,becauseIhadalreadyburiedhim.

Latethisnight,withnosignofhim,Ifinallyfallintoamiserablehalf-sleep.Justafterone,Karenwakesme.Shehearshimsneakingin.Agardenlight,equippedwithamotiondetector,flasheson,castingitswhitebeamacrossthebackyard.Cladinmypajamas,Isliponapairofshoesandgooutthebackdoortocatchhim.

Thenightairischilly.Ihearcrunchingbrush.

Iturnthecornerandcomehead-to-headwithanenormousstartledbuck,whoquicklylopesawayupintothegarden,effortlesslyleapingoverthedeerfence.

Backinbed,KarenandIarewideawake.

It'sone-thirty.Nowtwo.Idoublecheckhisroom.

Itistwo-thirty.

Atlast,thesoundofthecar.

IconfrontNicinthekitchenandhemumblesanexcuse.Itellhimthathecannolongerusethecar.

"Whatever."

"Areyouhigh?Tellme."

"Jesus.No."

"Nic,wehadanagreement.Wherewereyou?"

"Whatthefuck?"Helooksdown."Abunchofpeopleatthemeetingwentbacktoagirl'shousetotalkandthenwewatchedavideo."

"Therewasnophone?"

"Iknow,"hesays,hisangerflaring."IsaidI'msorry."

Isnapback,"We'lltalkaboutthisinthemorning,"asheescapesintohisroom,shuttinghisdoorandlockingit.

Atbreakfast,IstarehardatNic.Thegiveawayishisbody,vibratinglikeanidlingcar.Hisjawgyratesandhiseyesaredartingopals.HemakesplanswithJasperandDaisyforafterschoolandgivesthemgentlehugs,buthisvoicehasapricklyedge.

WhenKarenandthekidsaregone,Isay,"Nic,wehavetotalk."

Heeyesmewarily."About?"

"Iknowyou'reusingagain.Icantell."

Heglaresatme."Whatareyoutalkingabout?I'mnot."Hiseyeslockontothefloor.

"Thenyouwon'tmindbeingdrug-tested."

"Whatever.Fine."

"OK.Iwanttodoitnow."

"Allright!"

"Getdressed."

"IknowIshouldhavecalled.I'mnotusing."Healmostgrowlsit.

"Let'sgo."

Hehurriestohisbedroom.Closesthedoor.HecomesoutwearingaSonicYouthT-shirtandblackjeans.Onehandisthrustinhispocket,hisheadisdown,hisbackpackisslungononeshoulder.Inhisotherhandheholdshiselectricguitarbytheneck."You'reright,"hesays.Hepushespastme."I'vebeenusingsinceIcamehome.Iwasusingthewholesemester."Heleavesthehouse,slammingthedoorbehindhim.

Irunoutsideandcallafterhim,butheisgone.Afterafewstunnedmoments,Igoinsideagainandenterhisbedroom,sittingonhisunmadebed.Iretrieveacrumpled-uppieceofpaperunderthedesk.Nicwrote:

I'msothinandfrailDon'tcare,wantanotherrail.

Latethatafternoon,JasperandDaisyburstin,dashingfromroomtoroom,beforefinallystoppingand,lookingupatme,asking,"Where'sNic?"

ItriedeverythingIcouldtopreventmyson'sfallintomethaddiction.Itwouldhavebeennoeasiertohaveseenhimstrungoutonheroinorcocaine,butaseveryparentofamethaddictcomestolearn,thisdrughasaunique,horrificquality.Inaninterview,StephanJenkins,thesingerinThirdEyeBlind,saidthatmethmakesyoufeel"brightandshiny."Italsomakesyouparanoid,delusional,destructive,andself-destructive.Thenyouwilldounconscionablethingsinordertofeel

brightandshinyagain.Nichadbeenasensitive,sagacious,exceptionallysmartandjoyfulchild,butonmethhebecameunrecognizable.

Nicalwayswasonthecuttingedgeofpopulartrends—intheirtime,CareBears,MyLittlePony,Transformers,TeenageMutantNinjaTurtles,StarWars,Nintendo,GunsN'Roses,grunge,Beck,andmanyothers.Hewasatrailblazerwithmeth,too,addictedyearsbeforepoliticiansdenouncedthedrugastheworstyettohitthenation.IntheUnitedStates,atleasttwelvemillionpeoplehavetriedmeth,anditisestimatedthatmorethanoneandahalfmillionareaddictedtoit.Worldwide,therearemorethanthirty-fivemillionusers;itisthemostabusedharddrug,morethanheroinandcocainecombined.Nicclaimedthathewassearchingformethhisentirelife."WhenItrieditforthefirsttime,"hesaid,"thatwasthat."

Ourfamily'sstoryisunique,ofcourse,butitisuniversal,too,inthewaythateverytaleofaddictionresonateswitheveryotherone.IlearnedhowsimilarweallarewhenIfirstwenttoAl-Anonmeetings.Iresistedgoingforalongtime,butthesegatherings,thoughtheyoftenmademeweep,strengthenedmeandassuagedmysenseofisolation.Ifeltslightlylessbeleaguered.Inaddition,others'storiespreparedmeforchallengesthatwouldhaveotherwiseblindsidedme.Theywerenopanacea,butIwasgratefulforeventhemostmodestreliefandanyguidancewhatsoever.

IwasfrantictotrytohelpNic,tostophisdescent,tosavemyson.This,mixedwithmyguiltandworry,consumedme.SinceIamawriter,it'sprobablynosurprisethatIwrotetotrytomakesomesenseofwhatwashappeningtomeandtoNic,andalsotodiscoverasolution,acurethathadeludedme.Iobsessivelyresearchedthisdrug,addiction,andtreatments.Iamnotthefirstwriterforwhomthisworkbecameabludgeonwithwhichtobattleaterribleenemy,as

wellasanexpurgation,agraspingforsomething(anything)fathomableamidcalamity,andanagonizingprocessbywhichthebrainorganizesandregulatesexperienceandemotionthatoverwhelmsit.Intheend,myeffortscouldnotrescueNic.Norcouldwritinghealme,thoughithelped.

Otherwriters'workhelped,too.WheneverIpulleditoftheshelf,ThomasLynch'sbookBodiesinMotionandatRest:OnMetaphorandMortalityopenedbyitselftopage95,theessay"TheWayWeAre."Ireaditdozensoftimes,eachtimecryingalittle.Withhischildpassedoutonthecouch,afterarrestsanddrunktanksandhospitalizations,Lynch,theundertakerandpoetandessayist,lookedathisdearaddictedsonwithsadbutlucidresignation,andhewrote:"Iwanttorememberhimthewayhewas,thatbrightandbeamingboywiththeblueeyesandthefrecklesinthephotos,holdingthewalleyeonhisgrandfather'sdock,ordressedinhisfirstsuitforhissister'sgrade-schoolgraduation,orsuckinghisthumbwhiledrawingatthekitchencounter,orplayinghisfirstguitar,orposingwiththebrothersfromdowntheblockonhisfirstdayofschool."

Whydoesithelptoreadothers'stories?It'snotonlythatmiserylovescompany,because(Ilearned)miseryistooself-absorbedtowantmuchcompany.Others'experiencesdidhelpwithmyemotionalstruggle;reading,Ifeltalittlelesscrazy.And,likethestoriesIheardatAl-Anonmeetings,others'writingservedasguidesinunchartedwaters.ThomasLynchshowedmethatitispossibletoloveachildwhoislost,possiblyforever.

Mywritingculminatedinanarticleaboutourfamily'sexperiencethatIsubmittedtotheNewYorkTimesMagazine.Iwasterrifiedtoinvitepeopleintoournightmare,butwascompelledtodoso.IfeltthattellingourstorywouldbeworthwhileifIcouldhelpanyoneinthewaythatLynchandotherwritershelpedme.Idiscusseditwith

Nicandtherestofourfamily.Thoughencouragedbythem,Iwasnonethelessnervousaboutexposingourfamilytopublicscrutinyandjudgment.Butthereactiontothearticleheartenedmeand,accordingtoNic,emboldenedhim.Abookeditorcontactedhimandaskedifhewasinterestedinwritingamemoirabouthisexperience,onethatmightinspireotheryoungpeoplestrugglingwithaddiction.Nicwaseagertotellhisstory.Moresignificantly,hesaidthathewalkedintoAAmeetingsandwhenfriends—orevenstrangers—madetheconnectionbetweenhimandtheboyinthearticle,theyofferedwarmembracesandtoldhimhowproudtheywereofhim.Hesaidthatitwasapowerfulaffirmationofhishardworkinrecovery.

Ialsoheardfromaddictsandtheirfamilies—theirbrothersandsisters,children,andotherrelatives,and,mostofall,parents—hundredsofthem.Afewrespondentswerecritical.OneaccusedmeofexploitingNicformyownpurposes.Another,outragedatmydescriptionofaperiodwhenNicbrieflyworehisclothesbackward,attacked,"Youlethimwearbackwardclothes?Nowonderhebecameanaddict."Butthegreatmajorityofletterswereoutpouringsofcompassion,consolation,counsel,andsharedgrief.Manypeopleseemedtofeelthatfinallysomeoneunderstoodwhattheyweregoingthrough.Thisisthewaythatmiserydoeslovecompany:Peoplearerelievedtolearnthattheyarenotaloneintheirsuffering,thattheyarepartofsomethinglarger,inthiscase,asocietalplague—anepidemicofchildren,anepidemicoffamilies.Forwhateverreason,astranger'sstoryseemedtogivethempermissiontotelltheirs.TheyfeltthatIwouldunderstand,andIdid.

"Iamsittingherecryingwithshakinghands,"amanwrote."Yourarticlewashandedtomeyesterdayatmyweeklybreakfastoffatherswhohavelosttheirchildren.Themanwhohandedittomelosthissixteen-year-oldsontodrugsthreeyearsago."

"Ourstoryisyourstory,"wroteanotherfather."Differentdrugs,differentcities,differentrehabs,butthesamestory."

Andanother:"Atfirst,Iwassimplystartledthatsomeonehadwrittenmystoryaboutmychildwithoutmypermission.Halfwaythroughtheemotionaltextofveryfamiliareventsandmanifestconclusions,Irealizedthatthedatesofsignificantincidentswerewrong,andtherebyhadtoconcludethatotherparentsmaybeexperiencingthesameunimaginabletragediesandlossthatIhave...

"Insightacquiredoveraquarterofacenturyforcesmetorewritethelastparagraph:Escapingfromhislatestdrugrehab,mysonoverdosedandnearlydied.Senttoaveryspecialprograminanothercity,hestayedsoberforalmosttwoyears,thenbegandisappearingagain,sometimesformonths,sometimesyears.Havingbeenoneofthemostbrilliantstudentsinthecountry'shighestrankinghighschool,ittookhimtwentyyearstograduatefromamediocrecollege.Andithastakenmejustaslongtodiscardmyveilofimpossiblehopeandadmitthatmysoneithercannotorwillnoteverstopusingdrugs.Heisnowfortyyearsold,onwelfare,andresidesinahomeforadultaddicts."

Thereweresomanymore,manywithunfathomablytragicconclusions."Buttheendingofmystoryisdifferent.Mysondiedlastyearofanoverdose.Hewasseventeen."Another:"Mybeautifuldaughterisdead.Shewasfifteenwhensheoverdosed."Another:"Mydaughterdied."Another:"Mysonisdead."Lettersandemailsstillinterruptmydayswithhauntingremindersofthetollofaddiction.Myhearttearsanewwitheachofthem.

Ikeptwritingand,throughthepainstakingprocess,hadsomesuccessviewingourexperienceinawaythatmadesensetome—asmuchsenseasispossibletomakeofaddiction.Itledtothisbook.WhenItransformedmyrandomandrawwordsintosentences,sentencesintoparagraphs,andparagraphsintochapters,asemblanceoforderandsanityappearedwheretherehadbeenonlychaosandinsanity.AswiththeTimesarticle,itscaresmetopublishourstory.Butwiththecontinuedencouragementoftheprincipals,Igoforward.There'snoshortageofcompellingmemoirsbyaddicts,andthebestofthemofferrevelationsforanybodywholovesone.IhopeNic'sbookwillbecomeacompellingaddition.Andyet—withrareexceptions,suchasLynch'sessay—wehavenotheardfromthosewholovethem.Anyonewhohaslivedthroughit,orthosewhoarenowlivingthroughit,knowsthatcaringaboutanaddictisascomplexandfraughtanddebilitatingasaddictionitself.Atmyworst,IevenresentedNicbecauseanaddict,atleastwhenhigh,hasamomentaryrespitefromhissuffering.Thereisnosimilarreliefforparentsorchildrenorhusbandsorwivesorotherswholovethem.

Nicuseddrugsonandoffformorethanadecade,andinthattimeIthinkIhavefeltandthoughtanddonealmosteverythinganaddict'sparentcanfeelandthinkanddo.Evennow,Iknowthatthere'snosinglerightanswer,norevenaclearroadmap,forfamiliesoftheaddicted.However,inourstory,Ihopethattheremaybesomesolace,someguidance,and,ifnothingelse,somecompany.Ialsohopethatpeoplecancatchaglimpseofsomethingthatseemsimpossibleduringmanystagesofalovedone'saddiction.Nietzscheisoftenquotedforhavingsaid,"Thatwhichdoesnotkillusmakesusstronger."Thisisabsolutelytrueforfamilymembersofanaddict.NotonlyamIstillstanding,butIknowmoreandfeelmorethanI

oncethoughtwaspossible.

Intellingourstory,Iresistedthetemptationtoforeshadow,becauseitwouldbedisingenuous—andadisservicetoanyonegoingthroughthis—tosuggestthatonecananticipatehowthingswillunfold.Ineverknewwhatthenextdaywouldbring.

I'vestrivedtohonestlyincludethemajoreventsthatshapedNicandourfamily—thegoodandtheappalling.Muchofitmakesmecringe.IamaghastatsomuchofwhatIdidand,equally,whatIdidnotdo.Evenasalltheexpertskindlytelltheparentsofaddicts,"Youdidn'tcauseit,"Ihavenotletmyselfoffthehook.IoftenfeelasifIcompletelyfailedmyson.Inadmittingthis,Iamnotlookingforsympathyorabsolution,butinsteadstatingatruththatwillberecognizedbymostparentswhohavebeenthroughthis.

SomeonewhoheardmystoryexpressedbafflementthatNicwouldbecomeaddicted,saying,"Butyourfamilydoesn'tseemdysfunctional."Wearedysfunctional—asdysfunctionalaseveryotherfamilyIknow.Sometimesmoreso,sometimeslessso.I'mnotsureifIknowany"functional"families,iffunctionalmeansafamilywithoutdifficulttimesandmemberswhodon'thaveafullrangeofproblems.Likeaddictsthemselves,thefamiliesofaddictsareeverythingyouwouldexpectandeverythingyouwouldn't.Addictscomefrombrokenandintacthomes.Theyarelongtimelosersandgreatsuccesses.WeoftenheardinlecturesorAl-AnonmeetingsorAAmeetingsoftheintelligentandcharmingmenandwomenwhobewilderthosearoundthemwhentheywindupinthegutter."You'retoogoodamantodothistoyourself,"adoctortellsanalcoholicinaFitzgeraldstory.Many,manypeoplewhohaveknownNicwellhaveexpressedsimilarsentiments.Onesaid,"HeisthelastpersonIcouldpicturethishappeningto.NotNic.He'stoosolidandtoosmart."

Ialsoknowthatparentshavediscretionaryrecall,blockingouteverythingthatcontradictsourcarefullyeditedrecollections—anunderstandableattempttododgeblame.Conversely,childrenoftenfixateontheindeliblypainfulmemories,becausetheyhavemadestrongerimpressions.IhopethatIamnotindulginginparentalrevisionismwhenIsaythatinspiteofmydivorcefromNic'smother,inspiteofourdraconianlong-distancecustodyarrangement,andinspiteofallofmyshortcomingsandmistakes,muchofNic'searlyyearswascharmed.Nicconfirmsthis,butmaybeheisjustbeingkind.

Thisrehashinginordertomakesenseofsomethingthatcannotbemadesenseofiscommoninthefamiliesofaddicts,butit'snotallwedo.Wedenytheseverityofourlovedone'sproblem,notbecausewearenaive,butbecausewecan'tknow.Evenforthosewho,unlikeme,neveruseddrugs,it'sanincontrovertiblefactthatmany—morethanhalfofallchildren—willtrythem.Forsomeofthose,drugswillhavenomajornegativeimpactontheirlives.Forothers,however,theoutcomewillbecatastrophic.Weparentsdoeverythingwecanandconsulteveryexpertandsometimesit'snotenough.Onlyafterthefactdoweknowthatwedidn'tdoenoughorwhatwediddowaswrong.Addictsareindenialandtheirfamiliesareinitwiththembecauseoftenthetruthistooinconceivable,toopainful,andtooterrifying.Butdenial,howevercommon,isdangerous.Iwishsomeonehadshakenmeandsaid,"Intervenewhileyoucanbeforeit'stoolate."Itmaynothavemadeadifference,butIdon'tknow.Nooneshookmeandsaidit.Evenifsomeonehad,Imaynothavebeenabletohearit.MaybeIhadtolearnthehardway.

Likemanyinmystraits,Ibecameaddictedtomychild'saddiction.

Whenitpreoccupiedme,evenattheexpenseofmyresponsibilitiestomywifeandotherchildren,Ijustifiedit.Ithought,Howcanaparentnotbeconsumedbyhischild'slife-or-deathstruggle?ButIlearnedthatmypreoccupationwithNicdidn'thelphimandmayhaveharmedhim.Ormaybeitwasirrelevanttohim.However,itsurelyharmedtherestofmyfamily—andme.Alongwiththis,Ilearnedanotherlesson,asoul-shakingone:ourchildrenliveordiewithorwithoutus.Nomatterwhatwedo,nomatterhowweagonizeorobsess,wecannotchooseforourchildrenwhethertheyliveordie.Itisadevastatingrealization,butalsoliberating.Ifinallychoselifeformyself.IchosetheperilousbutessentialpaththatallowsmetoacceptthatNicwilldecideforhimselfhow—andwhether—hewilllivehislife.

AsIsaid,Idon'tabsolvemyself,andmeanwhile,IstillstrugglewithhowmuchIcanabsolveNic.Heisbrilliantandwonderfulandcharismaticandlovingwhenhe'snotusing,butlikeeveryaddictIhaveeverheardof,hebecomesastrangerwhenheis,distantandfoolishandself-destructiveandbrokenanddangerous.Ihavestruggledtoreconcilethesetwopeople.Whateverthecause—ageneticpredisposition,thedivorce,mydrughistory,myoverprotectiveness,myfailuretoprotecthim,myleniency,myharshness,myimmaturity,allofthese—Nic'saddictionseemedtohavehadalifeofitsown.Ihavetriedtorevealhowinsidiouslyaddictioncreepsintoafamilyandtakesover.SomanytimesinthepastdecadeImademistakesoutofignorance,hope,orfear.I'vetriedtorecountthemallasandwhentheyhappened,inthehopethatreaderswillrecognizeawrongpathbeforetheytakeit.Iftheydon't,however,Ihopetheymayrealizethatitisapaththeycan'tblamethemselvesforhavingtaken.

Whenmychildwasborn,itwasimpossibletoimaginethathewouldsufferinthewaysthatNichassuffered.Parentswantonlygoodthingsfortheirchildren.Iwasatypicalparentwhofeltthatthiscouldnothappentous—nottomyson.ButthoughNicisunique,heiseverychild.Hecouldbeyours.

ThereadershouldknowthatIhavechangedafewnamesanddetailsinthebooktoobscuretheidentitiesofsomeofthepeopleherein.IbeginwhenNicwasborn.Thebirthofachildis,formanyifnoteveryfamily,atransformativeeventofjoyandoptimism.Itwasforus.

PARTIStayuplate

IhaveadaughterwhoremindsmetoomuchofwhatIusedtobe,fullofloveandjoy,kissingeverypersonshemeetsbecauseeveryoneisgoodandwilldohernoharm.AndthatterrifiesmetothepointtowhereIcanbarelyfunction.

—KURTCOBAIN,inhissuicidenote

1Mywife,Vicki,andIliveinBerkeleyinawhitewashedclapboardbungalowbuiltinthe1920s,hiddenfromthestreetbehindawallofblackbamboo.Itis1982,asummerofwaiting.Everythingelse—work,socialengagements—isbidingtime.OurbabyisdueinJuly.

Anultrasoundidentifieshimasahim.Weprepareforhisarrival.Wepaintanddecorateanursery,furnishingitwithawhitecrib,light-bluedresser,bookshelvesstockedwithMauriceSendakandDr.Seuss,and,sittingsentineloneithersideofthedoorway,apairofenormousstuffedpandabears,earlybabygiftsfromafriend.Anotherfriendhasloanedusafamilyheirloom,abutteryyellowcradleintheshapeofanewmoon.Ithangsfromachaininthecornerofthelivingroom,appearingtofloataboveSanFrancisco,whichglittersinthedistance.

Vicki'scontractionsbeginaftermidnightonthemorningofJuly20.AswehavebeeninstructedtodoinourLamazeclass,weclocktheintervalsbetweenthem.Itistime.Wedrivetothehospital.

Nicisbornatdawn—ourbeautifulboy.

Weareenrapturedbyourchild.Wewillinglyforsakesleep.Wesoothehiscrying.Wesinghimlullabies.Wefallintoalanguorousalteredstate,adreamycontentmentthatwouldhaveappalledushaditbefallenanyofourfriends.(Indeed,manyofourfriendsareappalled.)LifeisaccompaniedbyasoundtrackofPeteSeeger,theLimelighters,andRaffi,whosesongs,playedoverandoverandoverandoverandoverandoverandover,wouldcrackanycriminalintoconfessingafterotherformsoftorturefail.Sometimeswejuststareatthebaby'stinygraspinghandsandluminous,exuberanteyes.

Weareamongthefirstgenerationofself-consciousparents.Beforeus,peoplehadkids.Weparent.Weseekoutthebestforourchildren—thebeststrollerandcarseatrecommendedbyConsumerReports—andfretovereverydecisionabouttheirtoys,diapers,clothes,meals,medicine,teethingrings,inoculations,andjustabouteverythingelse.

Beforelongthecribisreplacedbyasinglebedwithzebrasheets.WetakewalksinthestrollerandaSnugli,playinBerkeleyparksandbabygyms,andvisittheSanFranciscoZoo.Nic'slibraryoverflows.GoodnightMoon,PattheBunny,WheretheWildThingsAre,AHoleIstoDig.IreadthemsooftenIknowthembyheart.

"Milk,Milk,MilkfortheMorningCake."

"Fromheretothereandtheretohere,funnythingsareeverywhere."

"Dogsaretokisspeople.Snowistorollin.Buttonsaretokeeppeoplewarm.Boodlyboodlyboodly."

Atthree,Nicspendsafewmorningsaweekatapastel-coloredpreschoolashortwalkfromhome.Hisdayincludescircletime;gameslikeduck,duck,goose;paintingandclay;andsongs."Pullingweeds,pickingstones,"Nicsings,"wearemadeofdreamsandbones."Thereisoutsidetimeontheclimbingstructureandswing-set.Heventuresoutonhisfirstplaydates,formerlyknownasgoingovertosomekid'shouse.Sometimeswemeetotherfamiliesataparkwithaconcreteslidethatfollowsahillsidedownunderacanopyofoaks.Nicspinsonawhirlingmerry-go-round.

Nicisanaturalarchitectandbuilder,constructingsprawlingblock,Duplo,andLegoLilliputs.HelovesTeddyRuxpin,Pound

Puppies,andthetwinpandas.Hescootsaroundthehouseonabig-wheeledtricycleand,onthered-brickfrontpatio,inaplasticsky-blueconvertible,agiftfrommyparents,whichhepowerslikeaFlintstonescarwithhigh-top-sneakeredfeet.

WevisitTrainTowninnearbySonoma,whereNicconductsasteamlocomotivepastminiaturebarnsandwindmills.WetraveltoYosemiteNationalPark—inspring,withwildflowersabloom,wehiketothewaterfalls;inwintertime,weplayinthesnowinthevalleywatchedoverbyHalfDome—andtheMontereyBayAquarium,whereNicismesmerizedbyfluorescentjelliesandcirclingsharks.

Therearepuppetshowsandboardgamesandsingingalongwiththebashingofatambourine.Wearingakimonoandflannelpajamabottomsandholdingaplasticguitar,Nicsingsatthetopofhislungs:

Tingalayo,runmylittledonkeyrunTingalayo,runmylittledonkeyrunMedonkeywalk,medonkeytalkMedonkeyeatwithaknifeandforkMedonkeywalk,medonkeytalkMedonkeyeatwithaknifeandfork

Thenhepeelsoffthekimonoandhe'sinhisclownpajamatopwithpolkadots,limegreenandskyblueandcherryred.He'swearingfluorescent,swirlyblue-green-pinkrainboots.

Wewalkdownthesidewalk,himshufflinginthetoo-largeboots,mybighandenvelopinghistinyone,hisplasticguitarslungoverhisshoulder.Hestompsineverypuddle.

Hiseyesarethoughtfulandthebronzesometimesmeltsintogreenness,alivelikethesea.

Hedancesafunnylittledanceashewalksalong,holdingayellowumbrellaoverhishead.

"Tut,tut,itlookslikerain."

Thisapparentidylldistractsusfromaloomingcatastrophe.VickiandIhavespentNic'sfirstthreeyearsinthetiredbutblissfulhalf-sleepofnewparenthoodandthenwakeupintheharshlightandoppressivechillofashatteringmarriage.Imaturelyaddressourdisagreementsbyfallinginlovewithafamilyfriend.HersonandNicareplaymates.

VickiandIshareadevotiontoNic,butIamill-equippedtodealwithourescalatingproblems.Whenwevisitacouplestherapist,Iannouncethatitistoolate.Mymarriageisover.Vickiiscaughtoffguard.ItisnotthefirstrelationshipthatIhavesabotaged,butnowthereisachild.

Nic.

AthomewhenhismotherandIargue,Nicfindsrefugeinthelapsofthepandas.

Nochildbenefitsfromthebitternessandsavageryofadivorcelikeours.Likefalloutfromadirtybomb,thecollateraldamageiswidespreadandenduring.Nickishithard.

Wedividethechinaandtheartandouryoungson.Itseemsobviousthatjointcustodyisthebestapproach;VickiandIbothwanthimwithusandhavenoreasontodoubttheprevailingwisdom,thatitwillbebestforhimtocontinuetoberaisedbybothparents.SoonNichastwohomes.OnthedaysIdrophimoffathismother's,wehugandIsaygoodbyeatthewhitepicketgateandwatchhimmarchinside.

VickimovestoLosAngeles,wheresheremarries.WestillbothwantNicwithus,butnowthatfivehundredmilesseparateus,theinformalyo-yojoint-custodyarrangementisnolongertenable.EachofusbelieveswithsincerityandvengeancethatitisinNic'sbestinteresttobewithus,nothisotherparent,andsowehiredivorcelawyers.

Someattorneyssuccessfullymediateagreements,butmanycustodybattleswindupincourt.Usuallyit'straumaticandexpensive.Ourlawyerschargemorethantwohundreddollarsanhourandrequirefive-toten-thousand-dollarretainers.Whenwelearnthatjudgesoftenfollowthearrangementrecommendedbyacourt-appointedchildpsychologistafterheorsheconductsathoroughassessment,ourwiserselvesanddrainedbankaccountsprevail.Nichasbeenseeingatherapistsincesoonafterweseparated,andwehirehertoconductanevaluation.Weagreetoabidebyherdecision.

Thedoctorlaunchesathree-monthinvestigationthatfeelslikeaninquisition.Sheinterviewsus,ourfriends,andourfamilies,visitsourrespectivehomesinSanFranciscoandLosAngeles,andspendslongtherapysessionsinherofficeplayingcheckers,cards,andblockswithNic.Hecallsherhisworrydoctor.Oneday,whileplayingwithadollhouseinheroffice,heshowsherthemother'sroomononesideandthefather'sroomontheother.Whensheaskshimaboutthelittleboy'sroom,hesays,"Hedoesn'tknowwherehewillsleep."

Wemeetinheroffice,amongthetoysandmodernfurnitureandframedprintsofpaintingsbyGottliebandRothko,andshehandsdownherverdict.VickiandIsitinmatchingleatherarmchairsfacingthedoctor,animposingwomaninaflowereddress,iron-blackcurls,andpenetratingeyesbehindbottle-thickglasses.Shefoldsherhandsonherlapandspeaks.

"Youarebothlovingparentswhowantthebestforyourson.HerearesomeofthethingsIhavelearnedaboutNicoverthecourseofthisevaluation.Idon'thavetotellyouthatheisanexceptionalchild.Heisresourceful,sensitive,expressive,andhighlyintelligent.Ithinkyoualsoknowthatheissufferingfromthedivorceandtheuncertaintyabouthisfuture.Incomingtomyverydifficultdecision,IhaveattemptedtoweigheveryfactoranddeviseaplanthatisthebestforNic—thebestinasituationwherethereisnoidealchoice.WewanttominimizethestressinNic'slifeandtokeepthingsasconsistentaspossible."

Shelooksateachofusinturnandthenshufflesthroughasheafofpapers.SheexhalesheavilyandsaysthatNicwillspendtheschoolyearwithmeinSanFranciscoandholidaysandsummerswithVickiinSouthernCalifornia.

Itrytocomprehendexactlywhatshehassaid.Iwon.No,Ilost.SodidVicki.Iwillhavehimwithmefortheday-to-dayoftheschoolyear,butwhatwillChristmasbewithouthim?Thanksgiving?Summertime?Thedoctorhandsuscopiesofthedocumentthatoutlinesherdecision.Usingherdesktowriteon,wesignthem.Inconceivably,inaninstantmarkedbythescratchingofapenoncoarsepaper,Isignawayhalfofmyson'schildhood.

AsbadasitisforVickiandme,itisworseforNic.Preparingforthehandoffs,hepackshistoysandclothesinaHelloKittysuitcasewithapretendlockandkey.Idrivehimtotheairport.Hesaysthathehasapitinhisstomach,notbecausehedoesn'twanttoseehismotherandstepfather—hedoes—butbecausehedoesn'twanttoleave.

Atfirstoneofusalwaysflieswithhim,butatfive,hebeginstravelingonhisown.Hegraduatesfromthetinysuitcasetoacanvasbackpackfilledwitharevolvingarsenalofessentialstuff(booksandjournals,StarTrekMicroMachines,plasticvampireteeth,aDiscmanandCDs,astuffedcrab).Aflightattendantleadshimontotheplane.Wesay"everything"toeachother.ItisourwayofsayingIloveyou,Iwillmissyousomuch,Iamsorry—thejumbleoffeelingswhenhecomesandgoes.

TheflightsbetweenSanFranciscoandLosAngelesaretheonlytimesaparentisn'tlordingoverhim,soheordersCoca-Cola,verbotenathome;flightattendantsdon'tcareaboutcavities.Butsuchbenefitsareinsignificantwhencontrastedwithhisfearofaplanecrash.

Atfive,NicbeginskindergartenataprogressiveSanFranciscoschoolinahundred-year-oldredwood-shingledbuilding,whereyoucanwanderinatsnacktimeandparentsare,forexample,grillingquesadillaswiththechildren.Theschoolhasstonestepsandoldbarnlikedoorsthatopenontoaplayyardwithabouncy,rubberizedgroundmadefromshreddedrecycledtires.Thereistetherball,aredwoodclimbingstructure,andbasketball.Theschoolisstaffedbyteachersdedicatedto"thewholechild,"sothethreeRsareintegratedwithanimpressivemusicprogram;playsthatthechildrenwrite(duringhisfirstofmanyannualfolliesperformances,Nic,castasamosquito,fallsasleeponstage);art;noncompetitivesportssuchasfreezetagandbroomhockey;inventivespelling;andthecelebrationofsecularandreligiousholidays,includingChristmas,Hanukkah,ChineseNewYear,andKwanza.ItseemsidealforNic,who,inkindergarten,displayshiscreativityinclay,finger-paint,andan

inimitablewardrobe.Atypicalcostumeisahugeout-of-shapecowboyhatpulledsolowthatonlyhisowleyescanbeseenpeeringoutfrombeneath,aKeithHaringT-shirtunderafringedleathervest,bluetightsunderapairofunderpants,andsneakerswithVelcrofastenersintheshapeofelephants'ears.Whentheotherchildrenteasehim—"Onlygirlsweartights"—Nicresponds,"Uh-uh.Supermanwearstights."

Iamproudofhisconfidenceandindividuality.

Nichasaneclecticgroupoffriends.HeplaysregularlyinGoldenGateParkwithaboywhohassecret-agentaspirations.HeandNicslinksoundlesslyontheirbellies,sneakinguponunsuspectingparentsgossipingonparkbenches.Theyalsoplaytaginthelabyrinthineplaystructure,aseriesofinterconnectingpassagewaysinsidegeodesicdomes.Withanotherclosefriend,aboywitharooster'scrownofdarkhairandpiercingemeraldeyes,NicbuildsLegocitiesandwood-blocktracksonwhichtheyraceHotWheels.

Niclovesmovies.ImpressedandamusedbyNic'stasteinthem,afriendwhoeditsaregionalmagazineasksNictowriteanarticletitled"NicPicksFlicks."Nicdictateshiscomments."Sometimeskidshavetochooseavideo,youknow,andcan'tmakeuptheirmindwhichonetogetbuttheyhavetomakeuptheirmindfastbecausethegrown-upshavetogotothebarbershopintenminutes,"hebegins.HereviewsLadyandtheTrampandWinniethePooh."Dumboisgreat,"hesays."Greatsongs.Greatcrows."OfTheNeverendingStory,hesays,"Thestoryreallydoesend."

WhenIturnedsix,mymotherbakedacoconut-and-white-frostedgiraffe-shapedcake,andmyfriendsandIplayedpinthetailonthedonkey.Nicgoestobirthdaypartiesatstables,GreatAmerica,RagingWaters,andtheExploratorium,ahands-onsciencemuseum.

Teasandwichesorsushi,unfilteredapplejuice,andwheat-freecupcakesareserved.

Oneafternoon,Nicannouncesthathewantstomakeadonationtotheschool'sToysforTotsChristmasprogram,andsohegoesthroughhisbedroom,weedingoutmostofhisstuffedanimals,gameslikeCandylandandChutesandLadders,histrolls,andover-the-hillactionfigures.ThebookshelvesarestrippedofmanyofthepicturebookstomakewayfortheNarniaandRedwallseriesandE.B.White.Nicistryinghardtogrowup,althoughselectively.HekeepsthepandasandSebastian,thestuffedLittleMermaidcrab.

Nichasantennaethatdetect,beforemostkids,upcomingwavesofpopularculture,rangingfromMyLittlePonytoMastersoftheUniverse.Disney—101DalmatiansandMaryPoppins—makeswayforStarWars.NicandhisfriendsdiscoverNintendoandbeginspeakingitsimpenetrable(foradults)languageaboutminibosses,warpzones,secretlevels,andpumpkinsthatgiveone-ups.OneHalloweenNicisaTeenageMutantNinjaTurtle(Michelangelotohisfriend'sDonatello).AnothertimeheisIndianaJones.

Nicgetsinmildtroubleonoccasion.Whenhespendsthenightatafriend'shouse,thetwoarecaughtmakingprankcallstheylearnedaboutwhilewatchingTheSimpsons.Theycallbarslistedintheyellowpages.

"Hello,mayIpleasespeaktoMr.Kaholic,firstnameAl?"

"Sure,kid."Tothecrowd:"IsthereanAlKaholichere?"

Theybreakuplaughingandslamdownthephone.

Nexttheydialrandomnumbersfromthetelephonebook.

"IsthereaJohnthere?"

Afterabeat:"No?Thenwheredoyougotothebathroom?"

Mostly,though,Niciswellbehaved.Onetimeinthecommentssectionofhisreportcard,ateacherwritesthatNicsometimesseemsalittledepressed,whichIsharewithhisnewtherapist,withwhomhemeetsoneafternooneachweek."But,"shecontinues,"hepullshimselfoutofitandisenergetic,involved,fun—aleaderinclass."Othercommentsfromhisteachersareeffusivepraiseofhiscreativity,senseofhumor,compassion,participation,andstellarwork.

IkeepaboxinwhichIstorehisartworkandwritings,likehisresponsetoanassignmentinwhichhehasbeenaskedifyoushouldalwaystryyourbest."Idon'tthinkyoushouldalwaystryyourbestallthetime,"hewrites,"because,let'ssayadrugatickasksyoufordrugsyoushouldnottryyourbesttofindhimsomedrugs."

Anotherassignmentthatgoesintotheboxisapersuasiveletterhewritestomewhenthestudentsareaskedtoarguefororagainstwhatevertheychoose.Thenoteends,"Soinconclusion,IthinkIshouldbeallowedtoeatmoresnacks."

OccasionallyNichasnightmares.Inone,hearrivesatschoolandheandhisclassmateshavetosubmittovampirechecks.Theyaresimilartothelicecheckstheyhaveduringaninfestation.Forlicechecks,teachers,theirhandsprotectedinsurgicalgloves,movetheirfingersthrougheachstudent'shairlikeamothermonkey,inspectingeachfollicle.Withthediscoveryofasinglenit,theinfectedchildissenthomefordelousingwithKwellandameticulousrakingwithafine-toothedcomb.Ithurts,bringingonthetypeofscreamsthatcancausewell-meaningneighborstocallChildProtectiveServices.

InNic'sdream,heandhisfriendslineupforthemorningvampirecheck.Glovedteachersliftthesidesoftheirlipstoseeiffangshavereplacedtheireyeteeth.Thechildrenwhoarevampiresareinstantlystruckdeadwithastakethroughtheheart.Nic,recountingthedreaminthecaronemorning,saysitisunfairtothevampires,becausetheycan'thelpthemselves.

Idon'tknowifitisourconstantwatchfulness,thefacesofmissingchildrenonmilkcartons,orterrifyingstoriestheyoverhear,butNicandhisfriendsseemundulyafraid.Thereisasmallyardbehindourapartment,buttheywon'tplayoutsideunlessIcomealong.Ihearotherparentsfretthattheirchildrenarescaredofthedark,cryatnight,willnotsleepalone,orfearsleepingoveratfriends'houses.Afterastory,beforeNicgoestosleep,heasksmetocheckonhimeveryfifteenminutes.

Isingtohim.

CloseyoureyesHavenofearsThemonster'sgoneHe'sontherunandyourdaddy'shere

2Waaaakeup!Wakeup!Wakeup!Wakeup!Upyawake!Upyawake!Upyawake!ThisisMisterSeñorLoveDaddy.Yourvoiceofchoice.Theworld'sonlytwelve-hourstrongman,hereonWELOVEradio,108FM.Thelastonyourdial,butthefirstinyahearts.Andthat'sthetruth,Ruth.

ThecrispfallmorningbeginswithNic'srecitationoftheopeningsoliloquyfromDotheRightThing,oneofhisfavoritemovies.WedressandgoforawalkinGoldenGatePark."Lookatthoseorangies,"Nicsaysaswewalkbytheconservatoryofflowers."And,oh,thegreeniesandreddiesandgoldies!It'slikelastnighttheworldwasfinger-paintedbygiants."Backhome,Nichelpsmakepancakebatter.Hedoeseverythingbutcracktheeggs—hedoesn'twanttoget"gunky"stuffonhishands.HesaysthatthepancakesshouldbeUncleBuck-sized.Inthemovieofthesamename,theyaresolargethatUncleBuckusesasnowshovelinplaceofaspatula.

Ourapartmentisachild'sdomain,nomatterhowmuchItrytoisolateNic'sinfluencetohisroom.Theplacemayhavebeencleanedthedaybefore,butkid-sizedclothesarescatteredeverywhere.Thereareboardgames(hetrouncedmelastnightinStratego)andvideogames(weareonthepenultimateleveloftheLegendofZelda)andamulticoloredseaofLegointhecenterofthelivingroom.Infact,Legosareeverywhere—inthesilverwaredrawer,undercouchcushions,hiddenamongtherootsofpottedplants.Once,whenmyprinterdidn'twork,aservicemandeterminedthattheproblemwasa

Legocogjammedbehindthedaisywheel.

Awaitingthepancakesunderagalleryofhispaintingstapedtothewalls,Nicsitsatthebreakfasttable,wherehewritesonlinedpaperwithafatredpencil."Wegottomakeourownpizzaatschoolyesterday,"hesays."Wecouldchoosecheddarcheeseormodernjack.Hey,doyouknowhowtospelltheoooword?TheysaidthatJakekissedElenaandallthekidssaid,'Oooooo.'Didyouknowthatowlscanturntheirheadsallthewayaround?"

Iplaceapancake,disappointinglyaverage-sized,infrontofhim.Hepoursonmaplesyrup,makingsoundeffects—"eeeyaaa!hotlava!"—asIfixhimabaglunchofapeanutbutterandjellysandwich,carrotsticks,anapple,acookie,andajuicebox.

Hedressesforschool.Whiletyinghisshoes,hehums"EensyWeensySpider."We'rerunninglate,soIhurryhimalong,andhe'ssooninthebackseatofthecar,spittingonhisPapaBeardoll.

"Whatareyoudoing?"

"He'sintheslimepit.Wouldyouticklemyknee?"

Ireachbackanddigmyfingersintothesidesofhisknee,whichcauseshysterics.

"OK,OK,stop.Ijustwantedtorememberwhatitfeelslikewhenyou'retickled."

Changingthesubject,NicasksifhecantakeKlingoninsteadofSpanishinschool.

"WhyKlingon?"

"SoIwon'thavetoreadthesubtitlesinStarTrekmovies."

WhenIparkinfrontoftheschool,therearestillafewminutestogobeforethecowbellwillberung.Mygreatestaccomplishmentofanydayisgettinghimtoschoolontime,buttodaysomethingiswrong.Wherearetheothercars,thebusycrowdofarrivingchildrenandtheteacherwhogreetsthem?Itdawnsonme.ItisSaturday.

***

Idonotsubscribetotheconceptofkarma,butIhavecometobelieveininstantkarma,asitwasdefinedbyJohnLennoninhissongofthatname.Itmeans,inessence,thatwereapwhatwesowinthislifetime—andexplainsmycomeuppancewhenmygirlfrienddoestomewhatIdidtomywife.(Itactuallyisn'tquiteasreprehensible;whensherunsofftoSouthAmerica,itiswitharelativestranger.)OfcourseIamdistraught,andNichastocontendwithnotonlymydespair,but,uponmyrecoveryaftermanypatheticmonths,mysubsequentgirlfriends,giftedatsomethingsbutnotsubstitutemotherhood.ItislikeTheCourtshipofEddie'sFather,butEddieneverwentinforbreakfasttoencounteraladyinakimonoeatinghisLuckyCharms.

"Whoareyou?"Nicasks.Heshamblesintothekitchen,ajarringlylitroomwithablack-and-white-checkedlinoleumfloor.He'swearinghispajamasandOscartheGrouchslippers.Theobjectofthequestionisawomanwithavolcanoofdreadlockedhair.Anartist,herrecentexhibitionincludedhand-tintedphotocopiesofintimatepartsofherbody.

Thewomanintroducesherselfandsays,"Iknowwhoyouare.You'reNic.I'veheardalotaboutyou."

"Ihaven'theardaboutyou,"Nicresponds.

Oneevening,NicandIhavedinnerataChestnutStreetItalianrestaurantwithanotherwoman,thisonewithblondcurlsandbottle-greeneyes.OurdatessofarhaveincludedFrisbeewithNicontheMarinagreenand,oneSunday,aSanFranciscoGiantsgame,whereNicsnaggedafoulball.Backattheflatafterdinner,thethreeofuswatchThe5,000FingersofDr.T.SheflipsthroughmagazinesinthelivingroomwhileIreadtoNicinhisbedroomuntilhefallsasleep.

Usually,Iamcarefultolockthedoortomybedroom,butthistimeIforget.Inthemorning,Niccrawlsintomybed.Whenhenoticesthewoman,whoawakens,meetinghiseyes,heasks,"Whatareyoudoinghere?"

Sherespondsbrilliantly."Ispentthenight."

"Oh,"Nicsays.

"Likeasleepover."

"Oh,"Nicsaysagain.

IsendNictohisroomtogetdressed.

LaterItrytoexplainittohim,butIknowIhavemadeaghastlymistake.

Itdoesn'ttakemuchlongerformetorealizethatmybachelor-fatherlifestyleprobablyisn'tgreatforNic,andsoItakeabreakfromdating.Determinedtostoprepeatingtheembarrassingandenormouslypainfulmistakesthatledtomydivorceandotherfailed

relationships,Ienteraperiodofsinglehood,self-reflection,andtherapy.

Ourlivesarequieter.

Onweekends,wetakewalksaroundtheEmbarcaderoandupTelegraphHilltoCoitTower;ridethecablecartoChinatownfordimsumandfirecrackers;withourneighbors,Nic'sunofficialgodfathers,gotomoviesattheCastroTheatre,whereanorganistplays"WhistleWhileYouWork"and"SanFrancisco"onagildedWurlitzerbeforetheshows.WerideBARTtoBerkeleyandwalkdownTelegraphAvenue,watchingoutforsuchregularsasthewomanwithdozensofslicesoftoastpinnedontoherclothingandtheSensitiveNakedManwhononchalantlystrollsby.

Onweekdayevenings,afterNicdoeshishomework,weplaygames.Weoftencooktogether.Andread.Niclovesbooks:AWrinkleinTime,RoaldDahl,TheOutsiders,TheHobbit.Onenight,ontheoccasionofoneofNic'smanyunbirthdayparties—thesearepopularafterwereadAliceinWonderlandandThroughtheLookingGlass—wesetthetableformally,placingstuffedanimalsateachsetting.Wedinewiththestuffedanimals,sittinglikesultansonpillows.

Onesummereveningin1989,Iamatafriend'sdinnerparty,seatedoppositeawomanfromManhattanwhoisvisitingherparentsinMarinCounty.Karen,withdarkbrownhairandwearingaplainblackdress,isapainter.Shealsowritesandillustrateschildren'sbooks.KarensayssheisflyingbacktoNewYorktomorrow,andImentionthatIamgoingtherenextweektoconductaninterview.Thereisawkwardsilence.Myfriendsittingnearmehandsmeaslipofpaper

andapen,whisperinginmyear,"Getherphonenumber."

Ido.

ThenextdayIcallheratherparents'house.Ihearhertellhermothertosaythatsheisn'thome,buthermotherignoresher,handingoverthetelephone.

Yes,shesays,shewillmeetmewhenIcometoNewYork.

Ourfirstcautiousdateisatafriend'spartyontheUpperEastSide.TheFineYoungCannibalsplayonthemusicsystem,waiterscirculatewithtraysofChampagneandcanapés,andthen,thoughitisaswelteringnight,IwalkherthelengthofManhattantoherdowntownloft.Ittakesacouplehours,duringwhichtimewedonotstoptalking.Wheneverwecomeuponanall-nightgrocery,wegetPopsicles.It'sdawnwhenwesaygoodnightatherfrontdoor.

KarenandIkeepintouchbytelephoneandletters.WeseeeachotherwhenshecomesouttovisitherparentsandwhenItraveltoNewYorkonbusiness.Aftersixorsomonths,duringoneofhertripstoSanFrancisco,IintroduceKarentoNic.Sheshowshimherartbooksandtheyspendhoursdrawingcartoons.Theyworkfordaysonlongstripsofbutcherpaper,creatinganelaboratelydecoratedsceneofaparkpopulatedbyMr.Grouch,arotundmansittingonabencheatingatuna-fishsandwich;skinnyMr.Noodleandhisnoodlebaby;Mr.FakeHair;andMr.andMrs.NoBody.(Theyhavenobodies.)

Afterlivingonthefifthfloorofawalk-upintheshadowoftheWorldTradeCenterforsixyears,KarenmovesinwithusinSanFrancisco.MaybeNicisjusttryingtoingratiatehimselfwiththisnewforceinhislife,nowthatitisclearthatshe'sstickingaround,buthewritesareportaboutherforschool,inwhichheexplains,"Shelived

inabigloftontopofarestaurantcalledHamHeaven.Herloftwasacoolplaceandyoucouldlightfirecrackersontheroof...ShedecidedtocomebacktoSanFranciscotobewithhernewfamily,whichismydadandmeandher."

Soonafter,werentaplaceacrossthebridgeinSausalitosowecanhaveabackyard.Ourhouseisreputedtobeoneoftheoldestintown.Arickety,leakyVictorian,itisslightlywarmerinsidethanout,butnotmuch.Tocompensate,firesroarinthefireplaceandatnightwepileonheavyquilts.Bundledupindownjackets,thethreeofusgotide-poolingalongtheseashoreandridetheferryacrossthebay,pastAlcatrazIsland,toSanFrancisco.WecarpoolwithanotherfamilytoNic'sschoolinthecity.Nic,whoisnowafourthgrader,playsonthelocalLittleLeagueteam.KarenandIcheerhimon.InhisgreenBravesbaseballjerseyandballcap,heisafocusedandpoisedsecondbaseman.Theotherboysjokearound,butNicissolemn.HiscoachtellsusthatNicisaleader;theotherchildrenlooktohimforguidance.

Parentsoftengushabouttheirchildren,butaskpeoplewhoknowNicandtheywilldescribehishumor,creativity,andinfectiousjoiedevivre.Nicisoftentheunwittingcenterofattention,whetherinschoolplaysoratdinnerparties.Onedayacastingdirectorcomestohisschoolandwatchesthechildrenontheplaygroundandtheninterviewssomeofthem.Intheevening,shecallsourhousetoaskifIwillconsiderallowingNictobeinatelevisioncommercial.IdiscussitwithhimandNicsaysitsoundsfun,soIagree.Hegetstospendtendollars,butwiththerestofthehundred-dollarfee,weopenacollegeaccountinhisname.

Thecommercial,foracarcompany,openswithagroupofchildrensittinginasemicircleonthefloorofakindergartenclassroom.Theirteacher,seatedinachild'schair,readstothemand

thenclosesthebook,settingitonherlap.

"So,class,"shesays,"whatdoestheDickandJanestorymeantoyou?"

Alittlegirlwithplaitedhairandlargeblueeyessays,"Thehouseisthemother."

Afteraseriesofsimilarcomments,aserious,dark-hairedboyasks,"ButwhataboutSpot?"

Nicraiseshishandandtheteachercallsonhim.

"Nicolas?"

"Spot'stheid,theanimalforce,searchingforrelease."

Agirlwithbigbrowneyes,herhairinabouncyponytail,rollshereyesandshrugs."LeaveittoNicolastoinvokeFreud,"shesays,grumpilyplacingherchinonherfist.

Thefinalsceneshowsthekidsattheendoftheschoolday.Theyrunoutofthebuildingtotheirparents'cars,linedupoutfront.NicleapsintothebackseatofaHondaandhismotherasks,"Whatdidyoudoatschooltoday,Nicolas?"

Heanswers,"Oh,sameoldstuff."

Amonthortwoafterthecommercialbeginsairing,weareatthemovies.AmanwearingastuddedleatherjacketandpantsandblackmotorcyclebootsrecognizesNic."Oh,myGod,"hesqueals,pointing."It'sNicolas!"

InMay,KarenandIaremarriedunderrosesandbougainvilleaonthedeckofherparents'house.Withhisskinnyarmsandneckjuttingoutofashort-sleevedoxfordshirt,Nic,nownine,isnervous,thoughwetrytoreassurehim.Inthemorning,however,heseemshugelyrelieved."Everything'sthesame,"hesays,lookingfrommetoKaren,aroundthehouse,andbacktomeagain."That'ssoweird."

"MissAmy,shewasameanoldbitch.Stepmothersalwayswere."TrumanCapotesummedupthepopularviewofstepmotherhood.It'snotanewsentiment.Euripideswrote,"Betteraservantthanastepmother."AndyetKarenandNicgrowcloser.AmIseeingonlywhatIwanttosee?Ihopenot;Idon'tthinkso.Theycontinuetopaintanddrawtogether.Theyarealwaysdoing"togetherdrawings,"whereoneaddssomethingandthentheother,backandforth.Theylookatartbooksanddiscussartists.Karentakeshimtomuseums,whereNicsitsongalleryfloorswithhispadonhislap.HemakesfeverishnotesandsketchesinspiredbyPicasso,ElmerBischoff,andSigmarPolke.

SheteacheshimFrench—grillinghimonhisvocabularyastheydriveinthecar—andtheyareveryfunnycarryingonconversationsabouttheirsharedfavoritebooks,thekidsinhisclass,andmovies,especiallyonesstarringPeterSellersandLeslieNielsen,theInspectorClouseaumovies,Airplane,NakedGun,anditssequels.Forsomereason,forfourconsecutiveeveningstheywatchPollyanna,tryingtogetthroughit,buteachtimetheygettoosleepyandshutitoff.Onthefifthnight,however,theyfinishit.Afterthat,themovieisasharedlanguagetheyspeaktogether."Karen,youhaveastuffylittlenose,"Nicwillsay,imitatingAgnesMoorehead.

NictriestogetmetoplayavideogamecalledStreetfighter2,butIquicklytireofthebashing,head-butting,andbiting.Karen,however,notonlyenjoysitbutisgoodatit,beatingNic.ShealsolovesNic'smusicand,unlikeme,nevertellshimtoturnitdown.

KarenandNicteaseeachother.Relentlessly.Sometimessheteaseshimtoomuchandhegetsmad.Whenwegoouttoeat,theyalwaysordermilkshakes.Heslowlysavorshis,butKarendrinkshersdownquicklyandthentriestostealNic's.

Theyplayawordgameandlaughtheirheadsoff.

Karensays"Dave."

Nicsays"has."

Karensays"a."

Nic:monkey

Karen:butt.

Ilookupfrommymagazine."Veryfunny,"Isay.

Nicsays,"Sorry.There."

Karen:was

Nic:a

Karen:man

Nic:who

Karen:said

Nic:that

Karen:Dave

Nic:has

Karen:a

Nic:monkey

Karen:butt.

Theyplayit,andvariations,overandover.Irollmyeyes.

Karenworksalotandresistsdoingmotherlyduties,butshestartsdrivingcarpoolsometimesand,oneevening,makesameat-loaffordinner.It'sterribleandNicrefusestoeatit.KarenstartstellingNictoputhisnapkinonhislap,whichmakeshimfurious.Sheenlistshimtohelparoundthehouse,hiringhimtokillslugsinthegarden.He'spaidtencentsaslug.Nicputsthemonashovelandflingsthemoverthefenceintothewoods.

Karen,whomNiccallsMamaorMamacitaorKB(shecallshimSputnik),admitsthatitisnotanaturalrelationshipforher.Once,inthecarwithNicandNancy,Karen'smother,Nic,tiredandfrustratedovernothinginparticular,startscrying.KarenisamazedandasksNancy,"What'swrongwithhim?"Sheresponds,"He'salittleboy.Littleboyscry."Anotherevening,theyaretogetheratherparents',andKarennoticesthatastheysitaroundthetelevision,NancypullsNicclosetoherandrubshisback.Heseemscompletelycontented.Karentellsmeaboutitasifit'sarevelation.ShesaysthatatfirstNic

seemedforeigntoher;shehadnotbeenaroundchildrensinceshewasakid."Ineverexpectedthis,"shesays."Ihadnoidea.Ididn'tknowwhatIwasmissing."

Shedoesn'talwaysfeelthisway.OnoccasionNicischurlish—towardme,too,forthatmatter—butthelargerproblemisinherenttothepositionofstepparent.SometimesKarensaysthatshewishesshewereNic'srealmother,butsheisrealisticaboutthefactthatsheisn't.Hehasamotherwhomheadoresandtowhomheisdevoted.Karenisfrequentlyremindedthatastepmotherisnotamother.Shehasmuchoftheresponsibilitybutnottheauthorityofaparent.SometimesI'mquietwhenshegetsonhiscaseabouthavinghiselbowsonthetable,butthoughIalwaysencouragehertosaywhatisonhermind,Ioftenrescuehim."Hismannersarefine,"Iinsist,beforeIrealizethatI'veunderminedheragain.TheworstforNicmaybethathefeelsguiltyaboutacloserelationshipwithsomeonewhoisnothismother,whichistypical,accordingtooneofthemanyhow-to-stepparentbooksKarenkeepsonherbedsidetable.

SometimesweallacutelyfeelVicki'sabsence.WhenNicmissesher,thetelephonehelps,thoughafterhearinghervoicehecanbesadder.Weencouragehimtovisitherwheneverpossibleandtocallherasoftenashewants.Wetrytogethimtotalkaboutit.It'sallweknowtodo.

IsensethatNicisundergoingafitfultransformation,asifatugofwarisbeingwagedinsidehim.Heholdsontohisstuffedcrabandthepandas,buthehastapedaNirvanaposteronhisbedroomwall.Thoughhestilloftenrebelsagainstconventionalhabitandtaste,moreandmorehesuccumbstopeerpressure.Heistryingonanawkward

preteenskulk,andheoftenwearsgrungyflannelandshufflesaroundinapairofclunkyDocMartens.HisbangshangCobainlikeoverhiseyes,andhehennashishair.Iallowit,butnotwithoutconsideringwhetherIshould,andmeanwhileIforcehaircuts,eventhoughhebecomesfuriouswithme.Inchoosingmybattles,Iweightherelevantfactors.Nicisoccasionallymoody,butnotmorethanotherchildrenweknow.Thereareminorreprimands—forwriting"Sofiasucks"onanotebook,forexample.(Sofiaisaheadstronggirlinhisclass.)OncehehastowriteanoteofapologyforinterruptingSpanishclass.Forthemostpart,however,Niccontinuestodowellinschool.Inareportcard,ateacherwritesabouthis"burgeoningsenseofkindnessandgenerosity"andconcludes,"Iwonderatthegiftshewillundoubtedlybringtotheworld."

3WhatisnowthetownofInvernessonthePointReyesPeninsula,anhournorthoftheGoldenGateBridge,was,afewmillionyearsago,inSouthernCalifornia.Thearrow-shapedlandmassstillcreepsnorth-wardattheunhurriedpaceofaninchorsoayear.Invernessandthesurroundingridges,hillsides,andvalleys,andmilesofranch-landandshoreline,will,inanothermillionyears,beanislandfloatingoffthecoastofWashington.

Invernessisseparatedfromtherestofthecontinentbythetwelve-mile-longTomalesBay,whichcutsajaggedlinetotheoceandirectlyovertheSanAndreasFault.Thesubmergedbordermayaccountfortheloomingsenseoftransienceandfragility—andanetherealgrace.

ThetownofPointReyesStationisonthemainlandside.Ithasagrocerystore,anautomobilerepairshop,twobookstores,andrestaurantsthatspecializeinlocalfoods—organic,free-range,andgrass-fed.AtCowgirlCreamery,roundsofcheesearemadefrommilkfromthenearbyStrausFamilyDairy.Toby'sFeedBarncarriesarangeofgoodsthatsumupthelocalcommunity:hay,lavenderbathsalts,fresh-pressedoliveoil,driedpigs'ears,theStrauses'crèmefraîche,andpuppydewormer.Downthestreet,there'sabarbershop,adeli,real-estateoffices,ahardwarestore,andapostoffice.

Theareahasadiversepopulation.Therearemanyfirst-andsecond-generationimmigrantfamilieswhohailfromLatinAmericaandMexico;Hollywoodrefugees;finecraftsmen,homebuilders,cabinetmakers,andstonemasons;fishermenandoystermen;andagedhippies(thetownsupportsatie-dyeshop).Thereareformerhigh-techexecutives,teachers,artists,ranchersandfarmhands,summerpeople,weekenders,horsepeople,masseuses,

therapistsofeverypersuasion,environmentalists,andamedicalclinicthatdoesnotturnanyoneaway.Thereareafewoldcurmudgeonsandanewgenerationofthem.Indeed,someofthelocalsembracedifferencesbutwillavoidyouafteryoushowupatacommunitypotluckbarbecuewithBallPark—nottofu—hotdogs.Ontheonehand,thereisanardentsocialconscience—womenwhostripforpeace.Ontheother,somelocalswillverballyassaultyouifyoutreadonablackberrypatchtheyhaveclaimedastheirown.Still,PointReyesismostlyaplaceoverflowingwithgenerosityandmagnanimity.

KarenhasasmallcabininagardeninInverness,notfarfromtown.Wespendasmuchtimeaspossibletherethesedays,andthemoretimewespend,themoreweappreciatetheanachronisticsenseofcommunityandspectacularnaturalbeauty.WeregularlydragouroldcanoedowntoPapermillCreek,drapedoverpasture-landlikeasilverribbon.Wepaddleamongriverottersand,athightide,setacourseforasecludedinletupthebay,wherewegoashoreforapicnicanduncoverMiwokarrowheadsontherockybeach.Wehiketrailsthatcrisscrossnationalseashoreandstateparkland,whereabillionwildflowersblossominspring.Thefieldsareparchedgoldbymidsummer,whentheblackberriesripenandblueirisescomeintobreathtakingbloom.Inwinter,drenched,webundleupandhikethroughthestateparkoralongNorthandSouthBeach,wherethePacificOceanwavesreachmorethantwentyfeethigh,andwatchthemigratinggraywhales.

Indeed,thepeninsulaissurroundedonthreesidesbysomeofthewildest,mostmagnificentcoastlineanywhere.Untilnow,Nicrarelychosetogotothebeach—hedidn'tlikegettingsandy—butsoonhespendseverypossiblemomentnearandinthewater.WedriveouttoMcClure'sBeach,pastsweepingarcsofyellowmustardflowers,tocatchaminustide.Wewalkalongtheshoretotheoutcroppingsand

balanceonslipperyrock,watchingthecrashingwaves,whilesearchingtidepoolsformussels,seastars,anemones,andoctopi.NicwatchesKarendiveintothecoldoceaninthemiddleofDecemberatLimantourBeach.Hejumpsin,too.Theywhipeachotherwithlongstrandsofseaweed.Whenhegetsout,hecan'tstopshivering.TheTomalesBayiswarmer.Whentheyswimthere,KarenandNicplayagameinwhichshetriestobuckhimoffherback.OnthesandybeachesatDrakes,Stinson,andBolinas,Nicskim-boards.Hetriesboogie-boardingandthensurfing.Helooksnaturalandelegantonaboard.Thebetterhegetsatsurfing,themorehewantstodoit.Wespendsublimehourstogetherintheocean.Weporeoverbuoyandweatherreportsandheadtothebeachwhentheswellisupandthewindisoffshore.Waxinghisboardonthebeach,Nicisslenderandstrong,bronzedfromthesun.Hewearsorangebeadsaroundhisneck.Hehaslongbendinglimbs,brownhandswithdirtyfingernails,andnarrowbrownfeet.Hislighteyeswithcoarseblackeyelashesslantdown.Whenhepullsonhisblackwetsuit,hehastheskinofaseal.

EnticedbyWestMarin,webuildahouseandpaintingstudiointheInvernesshillsidegarden,movinginbeforefall,whenNicbeginssixthgradeatanewschool—withtrepidation.

Afterhisfirstday,wesitinthehigh-backeddiningchairsaroundasquarepurpletable.Nictellsusthathethinksheisgoingtolikethisschoolafterall."Myteacherasked,'Howmanyofyouhatemath?'"Nicsays."Almosteveryoneraisedtheirhands.Idid.Shesaid,'Ihatedmath,too.'Thenshegavethissmileandsaid,'Youwon'thateitwhenI'mfinishedwithyou.'"

Hegoesontosaythatlotsofthekidsseemnice.Hereportsthat

afterwedroppedhimoff,hewaswalkingthroughthecorridorwhenheheardaboycallouttohim:"Nic!"

Helooksup.

"Iwasprettyexcited,butthenIthoughtmaybehewasyellingtosomeoneelseandIwasactinglikeacompleteidiot,wavingathim.Butno,itwasme.HerememberedmefromwhenIvisitedtheschool."

Afterthesecondday,Nicreportsthatanotherboycalledhimhisfriend."Thisred-hairedboyhandedmeahockeystickinPE,andwhenthisotherkidsaid,'No,that'smystick,Ihaditfirst,'thered-hairedkidsaid,'It'sformyfriendNic.'"

Niclookscoolthesedaysinpantsthatridelowonhiships,aPrimusorNirvanaT-shirt,aslumpedadolescentposture,andhisred-orange-tingedhair.Andyethehasessentiallyoneambition:cominghomeandbeingabletosay,"Dad,Imadetwonewfriendstoday."

OnaFriday,someofthechildrencomeoverforaparty.WedrivetoStinsonBeach,wheretheyplaysandtagandkickballandNicteachesthemtoskim-board.Theirpreteenawkwardnessdissolvesastheyplaylikemuchyoungerchildren,laughingwithoutself-consciousness,tumblingandwrestlinginthesand.Beforedark,wedrivebackhome,wheretheyplayTwisterandTruthorDare,withrisquéquestionslike,"DoyouthinkSkyeiscute?"(Nicdoes:She'sthebig-eyed,brown-hairedgirlwhosename,whenhementionsit,makeshimblush.Hetalkstoheronthephoneatnight,sometimesforanhourormoreatatime.)And,"InafighttothedeathbetweenBatmanandtheHulk,whowouldwin?"DaresincludebitingintoajalapeñopepperandkissingaBarbiedoll.Theyeatpizzaandpopcorn,andtheirparentspickthemupatten.

KarenandIattendtheschool'sartshowsandplays.NicisViolainaproductionofTwelfthNightandGeorgeGibbsinOurTown.Parentsareinvitedtoheartheiroralreportsonforeigncountries.Nic,assignedBolivia,aftershowingthecountryonahomemadeposter-boardmapanddescribingitshistory,topography,agriculture,andgrossnationalproduct,performsasonghewrote."Olivia,oh,Olivia,"hesings,"downinLaPaz,Bolivia.MyOlivia."Heaccompanieshimselfonguitar.

HecartoonsaseriesofpanelsfeaturingacharactercalledSuperCowtheAvenger,whoimpartslessonsaboutnutrition.Forascienceassignment,herigsourbathtubandshowerstallswithbucketsandrulers,measuringtheamountofwaterusedineach.(Showersarefarmoreecofriendly.)Foranotherscienceproject,Nictestshouseholdcleanersandsolventsonoil-drenchedfeatherstoseewhatwouldworkbesttocleanbirdsafteranoilspill.Dove,thedishwashingliquid,wins.Hebakesanappleintheovenandthroughtheovenwindowtracksitsdisintegration,reportingtheresultinapaperwrittenfromtheperspectiveoftheapple."Iambecomingdehydrated.Isigh,'Hello?Outthere?Cananyonehearme?It'sgettinghotinhere...'"

EverymorningandafternoontherearecarpoolsbetweenschoolandPointReyesStation.WhenIdrive,IsometimeseducateNicandhisfriendsintheoeuvreofVanMorrisonandtheKinksandguitarsolosbyJormaKaukonen,JimmyPage,JeffBeck,RobinTrower,DuaneAllman,andRonnieVanZant.(Airguitarisencouraged.)Nicandhisfriendsoftenplaythecomplaininggame,Karen'sinvention.Nic,imitatingtheNewlywedGame'sBobEubanks,istheannouncer,explicatingtherules.Contestantsareawardedpointsonascaleofonetotenforunburdeningthemselves.Thekidsgenerallyrailabouttheirannoyingsiblings,jerksatschool,unsympatheticteachers,andogreishparents.Prosaiccomplaintsreceivemiddlingscores.

Admittingthatyouhavehadnightmareseversinceyouwatchedahorrormovieinwhichteenagegirlswerestabbedandamanwasburiedalivewinseightpoints.Whenagirltellsaboutthetimeshewaskidnappedbyherfather,sheisapplaudedandawardedaten.Aboyalsoreceivesatenforafumingdenunciationofhismother,who,hesays,hasdraggedhimtoeightcitieswithfoursuccessivehusbands.Aftermonthsofhearingstoriessuchasthese,onegirlusesherturntocomplain,"I'mtoonormal.MyparentshaveneverbeendivorcedandIhavealwayslivedinthesamehouse."Theotherchildrensympatheticallyawardheraten.

LookingforapuppyattheHumaneSociety,Karenfallsinlovewithasmelly,sad-eyed,near-starvedhoundsittingwithitspawscrossedonthecementfloorofitskennel.ShebringsMoon-doghome,andalsoaballoffur,achocolateLabradorpuppywecallBrutus.Moondog,whohadneverbeeninsideahousebefore,liftshislegonthefloorandchewsthewoodenfurniture.Hetearsthroughthehouse,bayingandbarkingwheneveracardrivesbyorwhensomeonecomestothefrontdoor.Hehowlsatthevacuumcleaner.Brutushopsinthegrasslikeabunny.

EveryWednesdaywetakethedogsandourselvesovertodinneratKaren'sparents'house.NancyandDonliveinabarnlikeboard-and-battenhometuckedintothesideofawoodedcanyonahalf-hourfromInverness.Themainroomiscavernousandairy,withatwenty-four-foot-highsingle-paneplateglassdoorthatslidesopen.Floor-to-ceilingshelves,liningtwowalls,arefilledwithbooksaboutshellsandrocksandtreesandbirds.Therearealsoportraitsoftheirthreechildren(Karen,atfiveorso,haslargebrowneyesandpinned-backdarkhair)andsanddollarsandpewterplatesandapaintingofamarmot.

Donisaretireddoctor.Karengrewupwaitinginthecarwhilehe

madehousecalls.Dongrowstomatoesandsquashinaterracedgarden,buthespendsmostofhistimeinhissecond-storyofficedoinghiscurrentjob,evaluatingstudiesdesignedtoassesstheeffectivenessofnewmedicines.

Nancy,hiswifeofmorethanfiftyyears,workseverydayinthegarden.Shehasgrayeyesandsilverhaircutinapageboy.Sheisvivacious,handsome,gentle,andimposing.

NoneofNancyandDon'schildrenlivesfartherthanSanFrancisco,andonanygivenafternoonit'snotuncommontofindoneormoreofthemsittingatthekitchentableinfrontofcupsofreheatedcoffeeandaplateofcookies,chattingwiththeirmother.

TheweeklyWednesdaynightdinnersareraucousandmemorableeveningswithNancyandDonandtheirthreechildrenandtheirfamilies,plusoccasionalguestsandarevolvingpackofourvariousunmannereddogs,whichhogthebestcouchesandstealunguardedfoodoffthediningtable.

Atthesedinners,NancyrecountseverynewspaperorTVnewsstoryoftoxicmattresses,molestedchildren,teensuicide,poisoning,shopping-carthandlesinfestedwithbacteria,sharkattack,carcrash,electrocution—mostlyendlesstalesaboutthehideousdeathsofchildren.Shetellsusaboutaswimmerwhodrownedbecausesheheldherbreathtoolong.ShesaysthatsomeonewaskilledinMillValleywhenatreefellonhiscar,completelysquishinghim.Shereportsnewsaboutskyrocketingratesofchildhooddepression,eatingdisorders,anddrugabuse."Agirldrownedaftergettingherhaircaughtinahot-tubdrain,"shesaysoneday."Ijustwantyoutoknowsoyou'llbecareful."

Thesewarningsaremeanttoincreaseourvigilance,butit's

impossibletoprepareforeverypossiblecalamity.It'sonethingtobesafe,butpanicisuselessandtoomuchcautioncanbestifling.Nomatter.Thebadnewspoursforthalongwiththerosemaryaujus.

AtoneWednesdaydinnerinOctober1993,Karen,whoissevenmonthspregnant,andIaresittingaroundthekitchentablewithherparentsandbrotherandsister.NicisplayingoutsidewithBrutuswhenNancyimpartsthelatestterriblenews.ThesettingisPetaluma,ahalf-hourdriveeastofInverness.Atwelve-year-oldgirlwasabductedfromherbedroom.Shewashavingaslumberparty.Hermotherwashomeatthetime.

Withinaday,picturesofPollyKlaaswithherlongbrownhairandgentleeyesareplasteredoneverystorewindowandtelephonepoleintown.Soonapsychopathisarrested;heleadspolicetoPolly'sbody.EveryparentIknowmournsPolly'sdeath,andweholdtightertoourchildren.

KidsinNic'scarpoolareobsessedwiththemurder.Onegirlsaysthatshewouldhavescreamedandrun.Anothersaysthereisnowayshecouldhave."Theguywasagiant,oversevenfeet."Nicissilentforawhileandthensays,"Youhavetoscreamandrunanyway.Youhavetotrytogetaway."Aboysaystherewasanaccomplice."Theguywhokidnappedherstoleherforachildprostitutering."ThennoonetalksuntilNicasksifthekillerwasreallysevenfeettall.Thegirlsays,"Sevenfeeteight."

Weparentstalkaboutourchildren'sfitfulsleepandnightmares,andthekidsrespondwithjokestheyoverhearatschool.Theonestheyrepeatincarpoolaren'talwaysaboutPollyKlaas.

"JeffreyDahmer'smothersays,'Jeffrey,Ireallydon'tlikeyourfriends,'andsohetellsher,'That'sokay.Justeatthevegetables.'"

Nicneverreadsnewspapersorwatchesthenews,butthereisnofilteringoutthesedisturbingevents,becausethekids—incar-pool,ontheplayground—becomepreoccupiedbythem.

JasperisborninearlyDecember.

NancyandDonbringNictothehospitaltoseethebabywhenheisafewhoursold.Jasperhasswolleneyesbecauseofsomedropstheyputinthem.Nic,sittinginapinkupholsteredchairnexttoKaren'shospitalbed,holdsthebaby,whoiswrappedinablanketlikeaburrito.Hestaresforalongtime.

Onecaneasilyforgethowtinyanddelicatetheyarewhentheyarejustborn.BackhomeinInverness,whenJasperissleeping,wecheckhimtomakecertainthatheisbreathing.Hispresencewithusseemstentative,andweworrythathecouldslipaway.

WetryourbesttomakethetransitioneasyforNic,whoseemstolikeplayingwithJasper,seemsenchantedbyhim.AmIsugar-coatingit?Maybe.Idoknowthatitiscomplicatedforhim.Inthebestcircumstances,secondfamiliesmustalwaysbeatleastalittlebitterrifyingforthechildrenfromanearliermarriage.WereassureNic,buthemustwonderexactlywherethisnewbabyfitsintoourlives.

KarenandIaremoretired.Jasperfightssleepingbutpassesoutwheneverhe'sinthecar,sowedrivehimforlongmeanderingridestoinducenaps.Otherwise,notmuchhaschanged.NicandI,oftenwithhisfriends,surfwheneverwecanfindthetime.Weplayguitarstogetherandlistentomusic.ForNewYear'sEve1993,whenIscoreticketsfortheNirvanaconcertattheOaklandColiseum,Iarrangefor

NictoflyupfromLA.It'sanunforgettableevening.KurtCobain'sperformanceisriveting,brilliant,andhaunted.Hesings:

I'mnotlikethemButIcanpretendThesunisgoneButIhavealightThedayisdoneButI'mhavingfun

MyheartisbrokeButIhavesomeglueHelpmeinhaleAndmenditwithyouWe'llfloataroundAndhangoutoncloudsThenwe'llcomedownAndI'llhaveahangover

Threemonthslater,Nic,Karen,andIaresittinginthelivingroom,withitsceruleanwallpanelsframedinoiledredwood.Theroomisfurnishedsparselywithtwincouches,coveredwithstripsofredsilkfabricfromChinathatKarenfoundatathriftstore,andmismatchedthrowpillows.WewatchJasper,whoisonababyblanket.Hestartstorolloverontohisbackandtriestocrawlbutdoesn'tgoanywhere.Eventually,Jasgetsintherightposition,onallfours,andhehuffsandpuffs,rocksforward,andthenbeginscrying.Whenhefinallystartscrawling,hegoessidewayslikeacrab.

Inthemorning,Nicgoesofftoschoolasusual.Butwhenhecomeshome,fromhisfaceIcantellthatheisdistressed.Hedropshisbackpackonthefloor,looksup,andtellsmethatKurtCobainshothimselfinthehead.FromNic'sroomIhearCobain'svoice.

Ifoundithard,itwashardtofind.Ohwell,whatever,nevermind.

Aftersummer,Nicbeginsseventhgrade.InherbookOperatingInstructions,AnneLamottwrote,"Theseventhandeighthgradewereforme,andforeverysinglegoodandinterestingpersonIhaveeverknown,whatthewritersoftheBiblemeantwhentheyusedthewordshellandthepit...Itwasalloverforanysmallfeelingthatonewasessentiallyallright.Onewasn't.OnewassuddenlyaDianeArbuscharacter.Itwasspringtime,forHitler,inGermany."Thesedaystherearereasonsmoretroublingthanpreteenawkwardnessandcrueltyforparentstoworry.AjuniorhighschoolprincipalIknowtoldmethatshedoesn'tunderstandwhatitis,butthingsareworseforherstudentsthaneverbefore."Ican'tbelievethethingstheydotothemselvesandtoeachother,"shesays.Inasurveyofpublic-schoolteachersin1940,thetopdisciplinaryproblemslistedincludedtalkingoutofturn,chewinggum,runninginthehalls,dress-codeviolations,andlittering.Morethanfiftyyearslater,theyaredrugandalcoholabuse,pregnancy,suicide,rape,robbery,andassault.

WhenNicentersseventhgrade,hestillseemstoenjoyplayingwithJasper,whosefirstwordisduck,followedbyup,banana,doggie,andNicky.Nicmeanwhilehasdiscoveredanunanticipatedbenefitofababyinthefamily.ThegirlsinhisgradeflocktoJasper.Theycomeovertoplaywithhim—tobouncehimaroundanddresshimup.Nicisdelightedwithhisexpandingharem.

ButNicisalsoincreasinglylessinterestedinthecarpoolkidsandinsteadspendsmostofhisfreetimewithagroupofboyswithbuzzedhairwhoskateboard,talkabout,butdonothingabout,girls,andlistentomusic:GunsN'Roses,Metallica,Primus,andJimiHendrix.Asalways,Nichaseclecticandhip—andoftenfickle—taste.Hedoesnotseemtotireofsomediscoveries—Björk,TomWaits,Bowie—but

otherwiseheisintotheedgiestmusicandthengrowsboredwithit.Bythetimeaband,fromWeezertoBlindMelontoOffspringtoGreenDay,hasahitrecord,hehasdiscardeditinfavoroftheretro,theobscure,theultracontemporary,ortheplainbizarre,alistthatincludesColtrane,polkacollections,thesoundtrackfromTheUmbrellasofCherbourg,JohnZorn,M.C.Solar,JacquesBrel,or,thesedays,samba,towhichhecha-chasthroughthelivingroom.HediscoversPearlJam,asongcalled"Jeremy,"aboutateenageboyinTexaswhoshothimselfinfrontofhisEnglishclass.Jeremy'steacheraskedhimtogototheofficetogetalateslip.Hereturnedandtoldher,"Miss,thisiswhatIactuallywentfor,"beforeturningthegunonhimself.ButmostofallNiclistenstoNirvana.Themusicblastslikemortarfirefromhisroom.

IfeelstupidandcontagiousHerewearenowentertainus

InearlyMay,IpickNicupafterschoolonedaytodrivehimtoadinneratNancyandDon's.WhenheclimbsintothecarIsmellcigarettesmoke.Atfirst,hedeniesthathehassmoked.Hesaysthathewashangingoutwithsomekidswhoweresmoking.WhenIpresshim,however,headmitsthathehadafewpuffswithagroupofboyswhoweresmokingbehindthegymnasium.Ilecturehimandhepromisesnottodoitagain.

ThenextFridayafterschool,heandafriend,withwhomNicisspendingthenight,aretossingafootballinthegardeninInverness.Iampackinganovernightbagforhimandlookforasweaterinhisbackpack.Idonotfindthesweater,butinsteaddiscoverasmallbagofmarijuana.

4WhenIwasayoungchild,myfamilylivednearWaldenPond,inLexington,Massachusetts.Ourhomewasnexttoafarmwithappletrees,cornandtomatoes,andarowofstackedbeehives.Myfatherwasachemicalengineer.HewatchedatelevisioncommercialthatsaidtotakeyoursinusestoArizona.Hehadhayfever,sohedid.HesecuredajobatasemiconductorplantinPhoenix.Wedrovewestinourpea-greenStudebaker,stayingovernightalongthewayatMotel6sandeatingatDenny'sandSambo's.

WesettledinScottsdale,livinginamoteluntilourtracthousewasbuilt.Myfather'snewjobatMotorolawastogrow,slice,andetchsiliconwafersfortransistorsandmicroprocessors.Mymotherwroteacolumnaboutourschoolandneighborhood—sciencefairwinnersandLittleLeagueresults—fortheScottsdaleDailyProgress.

MyfriendsandIoftenreminisceaboutourchildhoods,whenthingsweredifferent.Itwasafarmoreinnocentworldandasaferone.Mysister,brother,andI,alongwiththerestofthekidsonourblock,playedonthestreetuntiltwilight,whenourmotherscalledusinfordinner.Weplayedringandrun,tag,andboyschasethegirls.TVdinners—friedchicken,mashedpotatoeswithapatofbutter,applecobbler,eachisolatedinitsowncompartment—setonfoldingtrays,wewatchedBonanza,WonderfulWorldofDisney,andTheManfromU.N.C.L.E.WewereCubScoutsandBrownies.Wehadbarbecues,builtgo-carts,madecakesinmysister'sEasyBakeOven,androdeinnertubesdowntheSaltandVerderivers.

ButI'mnotcertainifthewistfulrecollectionsofthosetimesarejustified.Thenewsinourneighborhoodtraveledbywayofourmothers'hushedvoices.CharlesMansonand50-percent-offsalesand

faddietswerefavoritetopicsonthesidewalk,atTupperwarepartiesandmahjonggames,andinthebeautyshopwheremymothergotherhairfrosted.Theywhisperedwhenaten-year-oldchildwholivedonourblockhangedhimself.Thenagirlwholivedtwodoorsdownwaskilledinacaraccident.Thedriver,anolderboy,washighondrugs.

TheproximitytoMexicomeantthatdrugswereabundantandcheap.Geography,however,probablydidn'tmakealotofdifference.Asmorgasbordofpreviouslyunknownorunavailabledrugsfloodedourschoolandourneighborhood,astheyhavefloodedAmericasincethemid-1960s.

Marijuanawasmostprevalent.Kidshungoutbythebikerackafterschoolsellingsinglejointsforfiftycentsandouncebagsfortendollars.Theyofferedhitsoftheirjointsinthebathroomandwhilewalkingtoandfromourhighschool.Oneofmyfriendssoughtitoutand,aftersmokingit,toldagroupofusaboutit.Hesaidthatheaskedaboyweallknewwasastonerformarijuanaandsmokedthejointinthebackyardofhisparents'house,coughedalot,feltnothing,andthenwentinsideandateaboxofChipsAhoycookies.Hebegansmokingalmosteveryday.

AyearorsolateraboyonourblockaskedifIwantedtosmokeajoint.Itwas1968andIwasahighschoolfreshman.Itdidn'tdomuchforme,butneitherdiditcausemetohallucinateortotrytoflyofftheroofofourhouse,likeArtLinkletter'sdaughtersupposedlydidwhenshetriedLSD.Thatis,itseemedharmless,andsoIdidn'tthinktwiceabouttryingitagainwhenIwalkedintoanotherboy'shouseandhisolderbrotherpassedmeaglowingroachheldbyanalligatorclip.

Ofcourseitwasn'tarticulated,butpot,withitsoutlawcachet,wasapasskeyintoalooselydefinedsocialcircle.Tobeinsidewasarelief

aftermylonelygeekinessinjuniorhigh.Ilaughedeasierandfeltfunnierwithastoned—thatis,lessdiscerning—audience.Herewasapalliativeforraginginsecurity.Iexperiencedeverything—music,nature—inaheightened,farmoreintenseway,andwaslessshyaroundgirls,abenefitthatcannotbeoverstatedforaboyoffourteenorfifteen.Theworldseemedatonceobscuredandmorevivid.Buteventheseprobablyweren'tthemainreasonsIcontinuedsmoking.Ontopofthecontinuouspeerpressureandthehigh,plusthesenseofrebellioninlightingajoint,plusthecamaraderie,andbesidesthewaysthatpothelpedassuagemyawkwardnessandinsecurity...besidesallthis,marijuanahelpedmefeelsomethingwhenIfeltalmostnothing,helpedmeblockoutfeelingswhenIfelttoomuch.Inpreciselythewaythatpotmadethingsbothblurrierandmorevibrant,itallowedmetofeelmoreandtofeelless.

Nowadayspeopleofmyageoftensaythatdrugsweredifferentthen—lesspotentpotandpurerpsychedelics.Thisistrue.TestsofmarijuanahaveshownthatthereistwiceasmuchTHC,theactiveingredient,intheaveragejointorpipefultodaythanintheweedofadecadeago,whichitselfwasstrongerthaninthe1960sand70s.Therearefrequentreportsthatpsychedelicsandecstasyarelacedwithorevensubstitutedbymethandotherdrugsorimpurities,thoughbackthenweheardofkidssnortingDranoinplaceofcocaine.Onethingisundeniablydifferent.Abodyofresearchhasunequivocallyshownawiderangeofdangerousphysicalandpsychologicaleffectsofdrugs,includingmarijuana.Wethoughttheyweresafe.Theyweren't.Iknowthatsomepeoplelookbackonwhattheyconsiderthegoodolddaysof"harmless"druguse.Theysurvivedintact,butmanypeopledidnot.Therewereaccidents,suicides,andoverdoses.Istillrunintoashockingnumberofdrugcasualtiesfromthe1960sand70swho

wanderthestreets,someofthemhomeless.Somerantaboutconspiracies.Apparentlyit'satraitcommonindrugaddictsandalcoholics."Wheneverhisliquorbegantoworkhemostalwayswentforthegovernment,"saidHuckFinnabouthisdrunkardfather.

AndsothroughoutNic'schildhood,eversincehewassevenoreight,Italkedtohimaboutdrugs.Wespokeaboutthem"earlyandoften"inwaysprescribedbythePartnershipforaDrug-FreeAmerica.Itoldhimaboutpeoplewhowereharmedorkilled.Itoldhimaboutmymistakes.Iwatchedfortheearlywarningsignsofteenagealcoholismanddrugabuse.(Numberfifteenononeorganization'slist:"Isyourchildsuddenlyvolunteeringtocleanupaftercocktailparties,butforgettinghisotherchores?")

WhenIwasachild,myparentsimploredmetostayawayfromdrugs.Idismissedthem,becausetheydidn'tknowwhattheyweretalkingabout.Theywere—stillare—teetotalers.I,however,knewaboutdrugsfromfirst-handexperience.SowhenIwarnedNic,IthoughtImighthavesomecredibility.

Manydrugcounselorstellparentsofmygenerationtolietoourchildrenaboutourpastdruguse.It'sthesamereasonthatitmaybackfirewhenfamousathletesshowupatschoolassembliesorontelevisionandtellkids,"Man,don'tdothisshit,Ialmostdied,"andyettheretheystand,diamonds,gold,multimillion-dollarsalariesandcereal-boxfame.Thewords:Ibarelysurvived.Themessage:Isurvived,thrived,andyoucan,too.Kidsseethattheirparentsturnedoutallrightinspiteofthedrugs.SomaybeIshouldhaveliedtoNicandkeptmydrugusehidden,butIdidn't.Heknewthetruth.Meanwhile,ourcloserelationshipmademefeelcertainthatIwouldknowifhewereexposedtothem.InaivelybelievedthatifNicweretemptedtotrythem,hewouldtellme.Iwaswrong.

WearestillnearerthewinteredgeofspringonthiscoolandmistyMayafternoon,thescentofwoodsmokeintheair—aremnantoftheafternoonfire.Thistimeofyearthesunfallsearlybehindtheridgeandpoplars,andso,thoughitisonlyfouro'clock,theyardisshroudedinshadow.Fogswirlsattheboys'feetastheytosstheballbackandforth.Itisadesultorygame;theyappeartobemoreinterestedintheirconversation,maybeaboutgirlsorbandsortherancherwhoshotarabiddoginPointReyesStationyesterday.

TheboywithNicismuscular,aweightlifterwhoshowsoffhispumped-upchestandbicepsinatightT-shirt.Nicwearsanover-largegraycardigan—mine.Withhisstringyhairandworld-wearyvisageandlanguor,anyoneelsewouldguesshe'dgoontosmokepot,atleast.Yetinspiteofhiscostume,andinspiteofhisvariablemoods—hisincreasingennuiandhunchedsurliness—andinspiteofhisnewcrowdthatincludestheschool'stough,phlegmaticboys,whenIlookatNicIseeyouthfulnessandvitality,playfulnessandinnocence.Achild.AndsoIamutterlybewilderedbythetightlywoundgreenbudsofmarijuanathatIholdinmyhand.

Karensitsonthelivingroomcouch,bentoverherjournal,drawingwithIndiaink.Jasperisasleepnearheronthecouch,lyingonhisbackwithhishandsclenchedintinyfists.

WhenIapproachher,Karenlooksup.

Ishowherthemarijuana.

"Whatisthat?Wheredidyou...?"

Andthen:"What?IsitNic's?"Itishalfaquestion.Sheknows.

Asusual,Imanagemypanicbytryingtoforestallhers."Itwillbeallright.Itwasboundtohappenatsomepoint.We'lldealwithit."

Standingonthedeck,Icalltotheboys.Theycomeover,Nicpalmingtheball,breathinghard.

"Ihavetotalktoyou."

Theylookatmyoutstretchedhandholdingthemarijuana.

"Oh,"Nicsays.Hestiffensalittle,waiting,docile.MoondogcomesuptoNicandnuzzleshisleg.Nicisnotonetofightbackinthefaceofhardevidence.Hetentativelyglancesupatme,hisscaredeyeslarge,tryingtoevaluatehowmuchtroublehe'sin.

"Comeinside."

KarenandIstandfacingtheboys.Ilooktoherforguidance,butsheisasuncertainasIam.IamshakennotonlybythediscoverythatNicissmokingpot,butbytheevenmoreperplexingfactthatIhadnoidea.

"Howlonghaveyoubeensmokingthisstuff?"

Thecorneredboyslookateachother."It'sthefirsttimeweboughtit,"Nicsays."Wetrieditoneothertime."

Ithink:DoItrusthim?Thistooisaradicallyconfoundingproposition,onethathasnevercrossedmymind.OfcourseItrusthim.Hewouldn'tlietome.Wouldhelie?Iknowparentswhosechildrenareinconstanttroubleatschoolandathome.Themostdisconcertingpartisthedishonesty.

"Tellmeexactlywhathappened."

Ilookathisfriend,whohasn'tsaidaword.Hestaresatthefloor.Nicanswersforthemboth:"Everyonedoesit."

"Everyone?"

"Almosteveryone."

Nic'seyesaimatthelongfingersofhisboyishhands,whicharespreadoutwideonthetable.Heclosesthemandstuffshisfistsintohispockets.

"Wheredidyougetit?"

"Justsomebody.Somekid."

"Who?"

"It'snotimportant."

"Yes,itis."

Theytellustheboy'sname."Wejustwantedtoseewhatitwaslike,"Nicsays.

"And?"

"It'snobigdeal."

Nic'sfriendasksifIamgoingtocallhisparents.WhenIsayyes,hebegsmenotto."I'msorry,buttheyneedtoknow.IamgoingtocallthemandthenI'lltakeyouhome."

Nicasks,"Whataboutthesleepover?"

Iglareathim."We'lltakehimhomeandthenyouandIwilltalk."

Heisstilllookingdown.

Theboy'sfather,whenIcall,thanksmeforlettinghimknow.Hesaysthatheisconcernedbutisn'tentirelysurprised."We'vegonethroughthiswithourolderkids,"hesays."Iguesstheyallgothroughit.We'lltalktohim."Heresignedlyadds,"Wearesobusy.Wecan'tmonitorhim."

WhenIcallthemotheroftheboywhosoldthemthepot,sheislivid,adamantthathersonwasn'tinvolved.ShechargesthatNicandtheotherboyaretryingtogethersonintrouble.

WhenNicandIarealone,heiscontrite.HenodswhenItellhimthatKarenandIhavedecidedtogroundhim."Yeah,Iunderstand."

Ourthinkingwentlikethis.Wedon'twanttooverreact,butevenmore,wedon'twanttounderreact.Weissueapunishmenttoshowhowseriouslywetakethebreachoftherulesofourhouseholdaswellasourrelationship.Thereareconsequencesforone'sactions,andwehopethattheseareappropriatelyonerous.Inaddition,Iamwaryofhisnewcrowdoffriends.IunderstandthatIcan'tchoosehisfriendsforhim,andforbiddingfriendsmightonlymakethemmoreattractive,butatleastIcanminimizethetimehespendswiththem.TheotherpartissimplythatIwanttowatchhim.Tolookathim.Totrytofathomwhatisgoingon.

"HowlongamIgrounded?"

"Let'sseehowthingsgooverthenexttwoweeks."

Wesitdownonfacingcouches.Nicappearsgenuinelychastened.Iask,"Whatmadeyouwanttotrypot?Itwasn'tverylongagothattheideaofsmokinganything—acigarette,nevermindmarijuana—repulsedyou.YouandThomas"—Imentiononeofhiscityfriends—"usedtogetintroubleforthrowingawayhismother'scigarettes."

"Idon'tknow."

Usingtheredpenthatislyingonthecoffeetable,hebeginstoscribblecrosshatchedlinesontheday'snewspaper.

"IguessIwascurious."Inaminute,hesays:"Ididn'tlikeitanyway.Itmademefeel.Idon'tknow.Weird."Thenheadds,"Youdon'thavetoworry.Iwon'tevertryitagain."

"Whataboutotherdrugs?Haveyoutriedany?"

Hisincredulouslookconvincesmethatheistellingthetruth."Iknowthiswasstupid,"hesays,"butI'mnotthatstupid."

"Howaboutalcohol?Haveyoubeendrinking?"

Hewaitsbeforeanswering."Wegotdrunk.Once.MeandPhilip.Itwasontheskitrip."

"Theskitrip?ToLakeTahoe?"

Henods.

IrecallthemidwinterlongweekendbeforeJasperwasborn,whenwerentedacabinatAlpineMeadows.WeletNicbringalongPhilip,afriendwelike,asoft-spoken,easy-to-be-withboy.Heissmall,withhaircombeddownoverhisforehead.Wearefriendswithhisparents.

Wearrivedinthemountainsatnight,justbeforeablizzardshutdowntheroads.Inthemorning,thepinetreesweredustedwhite.Nichadskiedbefore,butthistimeheandPhilipdecidedtotrysnowboarding.Asasurfer,Nicthoughtitwouldbeeasytoswitchover."You'recarvingsnowinsteadofwater,"hehadsaid."They'rebothaboutbalanceandgravity."Maybe,buthespentmostofthetriptumblingdownthemountainsidebeforehefinallygotit.

NowIask,"Whendidyouhaveanopportunitytodrink?Wheredidyougetliquor?"

Hisbodyrocksbackandforthonthecouch."OnenightyouandKarenwenttosleepearly,"hesays."WewerehangingoutbythefirewatchingTV.Wegotboredandwantedtoplaycards,butIcouldn'tfindany.Iwentaroundlookingandfoundtheliquorcabinet.Wegotglassesandpouredinsomeofeverything—onlyalittleofeachsonoonewouldbeabletotell.Rum,bourbon,gin,sake,tequila,vermouth,Scotch,someweird-assgreenshit,crèmedesomething."Hepausesandsays,"Wedrankitall.Itwasgross,butwewantedtoseewhatitwasliketogetgoodanddrunk."

Irememberthenight.KarenandIhadbeenawakenedbythesoundsofthetwoofthemthrowingup.Simultaneously,inthetwodownstairsbathrooms.Wewenttocheckonthem.Theyweresickthroughoutthenight.Wethoughttheyhadtheflu.

Inthemorning,wecalledPhilip'smother."Yes,thefluisgoingaround,"sheagreed.Theboyswereillthenextdayonthelong,windydrivehomedownfromtheSierra.Onetimewecouldn'tmakeittotheshoulderoftheroadquicklyenough,andPhilipthrewupoutthecarwindow.

"Thatwastheonlytime.Ihaven'ttouchedanythingsince.It

makesmesicktothinkaboutit."

Hisreasonablenessisdisarming,butItakeinthisinformationlikeapunchinthegut,reelingasmuchfromthedeceptionasthedrunkenness.AndyetatthesametimeIappreciateNic'scandor.Ithink,Atleasthe'scomingclean.

Thenhesays:"Ifit'sanycomforttoyou,Ihateallthis.I'mnotmakinganexcuse,but"—afteramoment—"it'shard."

"What'shard?"

"It'shard.Idon'tknow.Everybodydrinks.Everybodysmokes."IthinkabouthisbelovedSalinger,fromthemouthofFranny:"I'msickofnothavingthecouragetobeanabsolutenobody."

OnMonday,Icallhisteacherandtellhimwhathappened.HesetsupaconferencewithKarenandmeforafterschool.Wemeetwithhiminhisvacatedclassroom,thethreeofussittingatstudents'desks.

TheteacherhasgivenmeoneofNic'sbindersofwork—mathematics,geography,literature.Nichascoveredapagewithballpointgraffiti,abuxom,big-eyedgirl,hollow-eyedmen,andblockyinitials.Instyleandcontent,thesedrawingscontrastsharplywiththechalkmuralofascenefromtheMiddleAgesmeticulouslyshadedovertheentiregreenboardalongthefrontoftheclassroom.Thestudents'expressiveself-portraitsarepinneduponanotherwall.IeasilypickoutNic's:harshlydrawn,moreofacartoon,itisaboywithawildsmileandbig,wide-openeyes.

TheteacherisbuiltlikeIchabodCrane,withreceding,flyawayauburnhairandacrookednose.Bendingforwardonthesmallchair,hepagesthroughNic'sfolderinfrontofhim."He'sdoingfineinhisschoolwork,"hesays."He'sdoingquitewell.I'msureyouknow.He'saleaderintheclass.Hegetsotherkids—somewhowouldn'tnecessarilybeengaged—hegetsthemexcitedaboutcontributingtothediscussion."

"Butwhataboutthemarijuana?"Karenasks.

Theteacher,waytoolargeforthestudent'schairintowhichheisfolded,leansuncomfortablyonhiselbows."IhavenoticedthatNicisbeingpulledbythestudentswhotheothersseeascool,"hesays."They'retheoneswhosneakcigarettesand—I'monlyguessing—probablysmokepot.Theymay.ButIdon'tthinkyouhavetobeoverlyconcerned.It'snormal.Mostkidstryit."

"But,"Isay,"Nicisonlytwelve."

"Yes."Theteachersighs."That'swhentheytryit.There'sonlysomuchwecando.It'saforceoutthere.Thechildrenhavetofigureitoutsoonerorlater.Oftensooner."

Whenweaskforhisadvice,hesays:"Talktohimaboutit.Iwill,too.Ifit'sallrightwithyou,we'lltalkaboutitinclass.Wewon'tmentionanynames."Whetheroutofguiltorresignation,herepeats,"There'sonlysomuchwecando.Ifweworktogether—theschool,thefamilies—thenmaybe."

"Wouldyouforbidhimfromplayingwith...?"Inametheboys."Theydon'tseemtobeaverygoodinfluence."

Theleavesofatreeoutsidethewindowflickerintheafternoon

sunastheteachermullsthequestion."Iwouldencouragehealthierfriendships,yes,"hesays,"butI'mnotsurehowfaryou'llgetbyforbiddinghim.FromwhatI'veseeninthepast,whenyouforbidchildren,theyusuallysneakwhattheywant.Steeringthemworksbetterthanforcingthem.Youcantry."

Herecommendsabookaboutteenagersandhepromisestokeepinclosetouch.

Itisbreezyoutside.TheschoolyardisabandonedexceptforNic,whoiswaitingforus.Hesitsonatinyswinginthekindergarteners'playground,hislonglegsbentunderneathhim.

Aloneinourbedroom,KarenandItalkitover,sortingoutourpuzzlementandworry.WhatamIworriedabout?IknowthatmarijuanacanbecomeahabitandNiccouldbesidetrackedfromhisschoolwork.Iworrythathecouldgoontotryotherdrugs.IwarnNicaboutpot."Itreallycan—oftendoes—leadtoharddrugs,"Isay.Heprobablydoesn'tbelieveme,justlikeIdidn'tbelievetheadultswhosaiditwhenIwasyoung.Butinspiteofamythperpetratedbymygeneration,thefirsttousedrugsenmasse,marijuanaisthegatewaydrug.AlmosteveryoneIknowwhosmokedpotinhighschooltriedotherdrugs.Conversely,Inevermetanyonewhousedharddrugswhodidn'tstartwithpot.

Ibegintosecond-guesseachofmypastdecisions,includingourmovetothecountry.IhaveneverfantasizedthatanyAmericansuburborexurborcountrytown,nomatterhowremote,isfarenoughawaytobeuntouchedbytheperilsmostoftenassociatedwithinnercities,butIthoughtthattownslikeInvernessmustbesaferthantheTenderloin.NowI'mnotsure.IwonderifweshouldeverhavemovedoutofSanFrancisco.Movingprobablywasirrelevant;thiswouldhavehappenedwhereverwelived.

Iblamemyhypocrisy.Itmakesmewince.HowcanItellhimnottousedrugswhenheknowsthatIhave?"DoasIsay,notasIdid."ItellhimthatIwishIhadn'tusedthem.Itellhimaboutfriendswhoseliveswereruinedbythem.Andmeanwhile,inmymind,asalwaysIblamethedivorce.Itellmyselfthatmanychildrenofdivorcedoallrightandmanychildreninintactfamiliesdon't.Regardless,thereisnowaytoundowhatIknowtobethemosttraumaticeventofNic'slife.

Thenextfewdays,IcontinuetotalktoNicaboutdrugs,aboutpeerpressure,andaboutwhatcoolreallyis."Itmaynotseemlikeit,butitisfarcoolertobeengaged,tostudyandlearn,"Isay."Lookingback,Inowthinkthecoolestkidsweretheoneswhostayedawayfromdrugs."

IknowhowlameIsoundandhowIwouldhaverespondedatNic'sage:"Yeah,right."Evenso,ItrytoconvincehimthatIknowwhatI'mtalkingabout,thatIunderstandtheubiquityandthepersistentpressuretododrugs,thatIunderstandtheirseductiveness.

Nicseemstolistenintently,thoughIamunsureiforhowheistakingitin.Indeed,IsensethatmycloserelationshipwithNichaschanged.NowIamtheoccasionaltargetofhisexasperation.Wesometimesargueoversloppyhomeworkorhalf-donechores.Butit'sconfusing,becauseitallseemswithintherealmofacceptableandexpectableadolescentrebellion.

Threeweekslater,I'mdrivingNictoadoctor'sappointmentforacheckup.Iturndownthemusiconthetapeplayerandstartinagain.Iknowthereisnopointinharanguinghimbecausehewilljustshutdown,butIwanttocovereveryangle.Intheconversationthathasbeengoingonforweeksnow,mytonehasrangedfromwarningtopleading.Todayislessstrained.IinformhimthatKarenandIhave

decidedthatheisnolongergrounded.Henodsandsays,"Thanks."

Icontinuetowatchhimoverthenextfewweeks.Nic'ssombernessseemstohavediminished.Ifileawaythemarijuanabustasanaberration,maybeevenausefulonebecauseithastaughthimasalientlesson.

Ithinkitdid.Nicisintheeighthgrade.Andthingsseemmuchbetter.

Herarelyhangsoutwiththeboywhohadbeen(I'mconvinced)theworstinfluenceonhim—theonewho,accordingtoNic,soldhimthepot.(Aboutthis,IbelieveNic,nottheboy'smother.)Instead,hespendsalotofhisfreetimesurfingwithhisWestMarinfriends.Wesurftogether,too,drivingupanddownthecoast,chasingwavesfromSantaCruztoPointArena.Ontheseoutings,there'stimetotalk,andNicseemsopenandoptimistic.He'smotivatedinschool,too.Hewantstodowell,inparttoincreasehischancesofbeingacceptedatoneofthelocalprivatehighschools.

Niccontinuestodevourbooks.HereadsandrereadsFrannyandZooeyandCatcherintheRye.AfterreadingToKillaMockingbird,heturnsinabookreportintheformofatapefromAtticusFinch'sansweringmachinewithmessagesforScoutandJemfromDill,andanonymous,threateningphonecallstoAtticusfordefendingTomRobinson.HereadsAStreetcarNamedDesireandthentapesaradiointerviewwithBlancheDuBois.ForanassignmentaboutDeathofaSalesman,hedrawsacartoonbemoaningtheLomans'familyvalues.NextisabiographyprojectforwhichNic,dressedinawhitewig,whitemustache,andwhitesuit,walksonstageandrecites,inaliltingsouthernaccent,thelifestoryofSamuelClemens."Mypennameis

MarkTwain.Sitbackandletmetellyoumystory."Therehavebeennomoreindicationsthatheissmokinganything—neithermarijuananorcigarettes.Infact,hehasseemedhappierandguardedlyexcitedabouthisupcomingeighth-gradegraduation.

Itisawarm,windlessweekend.Nicisthirteen.Afteraquietdayaroundthehouseandwiththepromiseofamountingsouthswell,heandIstrapoursurfboardsontotheroofofthestationwagonanddriveonthewindingroadthatleadstoabeachsouthofPointReyes.Wereachthesurfbreakafteranhour-longhikeonagrassypaththroughsanddunes.

Luggingourboardsunderourarms,NicandItrudgetothemouthofanestuary,reputedtobeabreedinggroundforgreatwhitesharks.RabbitsskitterpastusandaVformationofpelicansfliesoverhead.Thesunhangslow;itsraysseempaintedonwithawateryapricotwash.Asdusksettlesin,thefogpourslikepancakebatterontothehillyranchlandand,fromthere,spillsoverthebay.Wehaveneverseenbettersurfhere.Six-toeight-footwavesrollin,breakinginlong,peeling,silkylines.Wequicklychangeintoourwetsuitsandgallopintothewater,leapingatopourboards.Thedisappearingsunprojectsastunningarrayofruby-redstripesalongthewesternhorizon.Opposite,themoon,fatandyellow,dangleslow.Twoothersurfersareinthewater,buttheysoonleave,soNicandIhavetheplacetoourselves.Itisthrillingsurfing,asgoodasitgets.

Paddlingout,thereisnosoundotherthanthesmoothwhooshofthesurfboardcleavingthewaterandthen,atregularintervals,therumbleofabreakingwave.Werideone,paddleout,andthenrideanother.OnceIlookupandseeNiccrouchedlowonhisboardinside

abarrel,thewave'swaterfallencasinghim.

Itgetsdarker.Fogobscuresthemoonandenvelopsus.IrealizethatNicandIareintwodifferentcurrentsthatarepushingustooppositesidesofthechannel.Weareseparatedbyahundredyards.Ibegintopanic,becausethethickeningfogandgrowingdimnesspreventusfromseeingeachotherwell.

IpaddleblindlytowardNic,franticallyseekinghimuntilmyarmsareexhaustedfromfightingthecurrent.Finally,afterwhatseemslikeahalf-hourofnonstoppaddling,agustofwindwipescleanasectionoffogandIseehim.Tallandmagnificent,Nic,standingatopasliverofivory,carvesupanddownadazzling,glassywallofwater,whitespraysparkingofftheedgeofhisboard,abrilliantsmileonhisface.Whenheseesme,hewaves.

Exhausted,famished,wind-burned,andwaterloggedafteralongsession,wepeeloffourwetsuits,loadupourbackpacks,andwalkbacktothecar.

Onourwayhome,westopatataqueria.Weeatburritosthesizeofpotbelliedpigsandsiplimesoda.Nicisreflective,talkingaboutthefuture—abouthighschool."Istillcan'tbelieveIgotin,"hesays.

Idon'tknowifIhadeverseenhimasexcitedashewasafterhespentadayvisitingtheschool."Everyoneseemedso..."Hepausedtofindtherightword."Passionate.Abouteverything.Art,music,history,writing,journalism,politics.Andtheteachers..."Hestoppedagaintocatchhisbreath."Theteachersareamazing.Isatinonapoetryclass.Ididn'twanttoleave."Then,quieter,hesaid,"I'llnevergetin."Thecompetitionforslotsatthisschoolisintense.

Hedidgetin,andnow,intheeuphoricmoment,heconcludes:

"Everythingseemsprettygreat."

***

ThegraduationceremonyisplannedforanearlyJuneafternoon.Achurchauditoriumhasbeenbookedandparentshavebeenenlistedtosetupchairs,apodium,decorations,andrefreshmenttables.Onthedayoftheevent,Icomeearlytohelpprepare.

Acouplehourslater,theteachersandfamilymembersarriveandareseatedinrowsoffoldingchairs.Nextcomethegraduates.Theyareawkwardintheirfancyclothes.Manyofthegirlswearneworborroweddresses.Mostcanbarelywalkintheirhighheels;theywobbleasifthey'retipsy.Theboysappearsurlyintheirstiffcollars,fidgetingwiththeirnecktiesandtuggingmoroselyontheirshirttails,whichsomehowmanagetountuckahalf-inchatatimeuntilalmostallofthemhangoutovertheirdresspants.

Thechildrenmaybemiserablycostumed,buttheirmoodsrisetotheoccasion.Somehowtheirdecencydoes,too.Onebyone,thegraduates'namesarecalledbytheschoolprincipal.Somemoresteadythanothers,theymarchupasmallflightofstairsandwalkacrossthelowstagetoaccepttheirdiplomas.Theirclassmatescheerwildly.Forthatdayandonlyforthatday,theyrootforoneanotherwithunbridledandgenerousenthusiasm.Foreachgirlandeachboy.Withequalvigor,theyhootandholler.Theyapplaudthenerdsandfoxesanddweebsandqueenbeesandhoods;themeek,thejocks,thehip,theoutcasts.

Ineveranticipatedbeingmovedbyaneighth-gradegraduation,butIam.Wehavecometoknowthesechildrenwellafterthreeyearsofdrivingtheminvariouscarpoolsandtofieldtrips;ofhavingthematourhouseforparties;ofattendingtheirspeeches,plays,music

recitals,andsportsevents;ofcommiseratingwiththeirparents;andofhearingfromoneanotherandmostlyfromNicabouttheireverysuccess,crisis,crush,andhurtfeeling.Theboysandgirls,stillchildrenbuttestingthewatersofadulthood,marchforward.TheboywhosemotherdeniedthathersonhadsoldNicthemarijuana.Theonewithwhomhegotdrunk.Asurfingfriend.Thebuzz-headedskateboarders.ThegirlwithwhomNicusedtospeakforhoursonthephoneatnightuntilImadehimhangup.Thecarpoolkids.Allthechildren,gawkyanduncertain,diplomasflutteringintheirhands,walkunsteadilydownfromthedais,nowmiddle-schoolgraduates,headingtothesnakepitofhighschool.

***

ItistheweekendaftergraduationandsomefamiliesaregatheredatHeart'sDesireBeachonthissultryJuneafternoon.Thebayisstill.Weeatapotluckdinnerofchipsandsalsa,awholeroastedsalmon,grilledhamburgers,soda.Theshimmeringbayiswarmandthekidsswimandkayakandcanoe,inevitablycapsizing.Onshoreinsweatshirts,theirhairstillwet,Nic'sfriendstalkexcitedlyabouttheirsummerplanstogether—thebeach,camps—butnotNic.Itnevergetsanyeasierwhenhepreparestoleave.

Thefogrollsinandthepartyadjourns.Backhome,wesitbythefireandNicreadsustheyearbookentriesfromhisfriends."You'llhaveamilliongirlfriendsinhighschool.""Havefunsurfing.""I'mnotgoingtobelivingherenextyearsoI'llprobablyseeyouinliketenyears.Keepintouch.""Iloveyoufunnybunnybaby.I'velovedyouaslongasI'veknownyou.""I'mdyingtoseethenewbabywhateverIshouldcallher.IhopeJasperlikesher.""Goodluckwithhighschoolandthenewlittlefart.""Ididn'tknowyouthatwellbuthaveafunsummer.""Havefunthissummeryoustupiddickhead.Justkidding.""Dedicateabooktomesometime.I'llthankyouwhenIget

theOscar.Toodles..."Histeacherwrote:"Whereveryoube,whereveryoumay,seekthetruth,striveforthebeautiful,achievethegood."

WearebeginninganothersummermadebittersweetbytheknowledgethatNicisgoingtoLosAngeles,thoughhehasarrangedwithVickitowaituntilthebabyisborn.

OnthemorningofJune7,Karen,Nic,Jasper,andIgetintothecar.ThebabyisbreachandsowillbedeliveredbyC-section.Karenchosehermother'sbirthday.Theappointmentisforsix.Karen'ssisterhasgivenussoothingmusicbyEnya,butKarenasksforNirvana.Sheturns"Nevermind"uploud.

GottafindawayAbetterwayIbetterwaitIbetterwait

IdrivethroughtheforestandthenstopatNancyandDon's,droppingoffNicandJasper,whowaitwiththeirgrandparentsforacallfromthehospital.

Ourdaughterisbornatseveninthemorning.Herhairiscurlyandblackandhereyesareluminous.WenameherMargueritebutcallherDaisy.

NancyarrivesatthehospitalwithNicandJasper,whoareescortedintothedimlylitroomwhereKarenholdsDaisy.AnurseasksNancyandNiciftheywouldliketogivethebabyherfirstbath.JaspersitsnearKaren,whileNancyandNic,guidedbythenurse,

wheelDaisyinherbassinettothenursery,wheretheyhelpweigh,bathe,anddressherinasoftwhitenightgownwithlittlepinkelephantsanddoll-sizedbooties.Sheiseightpounds,twenty-oneincheslong.Staringatthebaby,NictellsNancy,"IneverthoughtIwouldhaveafamilylikethis."

Wedrivehomethefollowingday.AlongsideNicinthebackseat,therearenowtwocarseats.

Iwakeupearlythenextmorningandfindthetwoboys,bothinflannelpajamas,sittingonthecouchwithcupsofhotchocolate.NicreadsFrogandToadAreFriends.Jaspercuddlesclosetohim.Asmallfireburnsinthefireplace.Nicclosesthebookandgetsuptocookbreakfastforall,andwhilehestandsoverthestovehesingsinhisbestTomWaitsgrowl,"Well,theeggschasethebaconroundthefryin'pan."

WeeatandthentheboysandIgoforawalkatanearbybeach,stoppingafterwardtopickblackberriesforapie.Ittakeslongerthanitshould,becauseNicandJasper,blue-fingeredandblue-mouthed,placeoneberryinthebasketforeverydozenthatwindupintheirmouths.

Backhome,afteranearlydinnerandthepie,NicandJasperplayinthegrass.Likealioncub,JasperclimbsontoNic'shead,andtheyrollaroundonabigredball.KarenisholdingDaisy,whoislookingaroundwithherwideeyes.Brutus,lumberingoverlikeasleepybrownbear,sprawlsonthegrassnearthekids.WithJasperhangingontohisneck,Nicrollsoverand,holdingthedogbythejowlsandstaringintohiseyes,sings,"Givemeakisstobuildadreamon."HeplantsabigkissonBrutus'snose.Brutusyawns,NicplayfullytossesJasperintotheair,andDaisydriftsintoasoftsleep.

IlookatthethreeofthemandrecallabewilderingemotionthatIrecognizedforthefirsttimebackwhenNicwasborn.Alongwiththejoyofparenthood,witheverychildcomesapiercingvulnerability.Itisatoncesublimeandterrifying.

Inthenewspaperafewdaysago,Ireadaboutaschool-busexplosioninIsraelandanupdateonsomeofthefamiliesofthechildrenkilledoverayearagointheOklahomaCitybombing;straybulletshittingchildreninarefugeecampinBosnia;andastoryfromChina,whereaconvictedarmedrobber,onhiswaytothegallows,screamedouttohisbrother,"Takecareofmyson."Ifeltanewqualityofanguish.Maybeparentsfeelforeverychild.Maybewefeelmorethanweeverknewpossible.AsIlookatmythreechildren,inthediffusedgoldlightthatshinesunsteadilythroughthepoplarleaves,Ifeeloverfullwiththeknowledgethatforthismomenttheyaresafeandhappy,whichisultimatelyallweparentswant.Ifonlyitcouldbelikethisalways—thechildrennearby,gettingalong,happy,andsafe.

5Yourpsychohusbandistorturingmylittlebrother."

Nic,addressingKaren,whohasjustenteredtheroom,isstandingnearmewithhisarmsonhiships.ItisarainymorningonthedayheheadstoLosAngeles.IambrushingoutamattedtangleinJasper'shair,andJasisshriekingasifIampullingouthisfingernailswithpliers.Nic,whoafterashoweriswrappedinabluetowel,donsanorangeparka,stepsintoalargepairofgreengardenbootsbythefrontdoor,andsnapsonapairofthelittlekids'dress-updrivinggoggles.Hebrandishesawoodenspoon.

"Unhandthatknave,"hesaystome.ToJasper,hesays,"Oh,thewretched,wretchedsorrowofyourplight,mylovelybrother.Oh,theunfairness.Thecruelty."

Intothespoonhethensings,"MyGallantCrew,GoodMorning,"fromHMSPinafore,furtherdistractingJasper,whoallowsmetofinishbrushinghishair.

Nic,whohasalreadypacked,sayshisgoodbyes.JasperandNicdotheirsecrethandshake,acomplicatedritual:anormalshake,theirhandsskimmingoffeachotherandclaspingtogether,Nic'sfisttappingthetopofJasper's,andthenthereverse,anotherclaspingshakefromwhichthetwohandsslideslowlyapart,andendingwiththeirforefingerspointingtowardeachotherwhileinunisontheysay,"You!"

Jaspercries."No,Nicky,Idon'twantyoutogo."TheyhugandthenNickissesbabyDaisyontheforehead.HeandKarenhugagain.

"Sputnik,oldbuddy,haveagreatsummer,"shesays.

"I'llmissyou,KB.""Writeme."

"Writeback."

Drivingtotheairport,ItakethescenicroutealongOceanBeachratherthandrivethroughthecity.Nicstaresattheroughsea.AttheUnitedterminal,IparkthecarinthegarageandwalkwithNictothecounter,wherehecheckshissuitcase.Wesayourgoodbyesatthegate.

Nicsays,"Everything."

Irespond,"Everything."

Sayinggoodbyeattheairportcutsanewsliceintomyhearteachtime,butIputupagoodshowbecauseIdon'twanthimtofeelworsethanhealreadydoes.

Afterheboards,Iwatchthroughtheglasswallasthemassivemetalshellcontaininghimpullsawayfromthegateandtakesoff.

Thoughitmaybethebestwecando,Iloathejointcustody.Itpresupposesthatchildrencandojustaswellwhentheyaredividedbetweentwohomes,eachdefinedbyadifferentparentanddifferentstep-parentsandsometimesstep-siblingsandajumbleofexpectations,discipline,andvaluesthatoftencontradictoneanother."Homeisaholything,"EmilyDickinsonsaid.Buthomesisanantilogy.Howmanyadultscanimaginehavingtwoprimaryhomes?

Forchildren,homeisevenmoreimportant,thepsychologicalaswellasphysicalcradleofdevelopment,thebrick-and-mortarincarnationofallthattheirparentsrepresent:stability,safety,andtherulesoflife.

TheweekafterNicleaves,IinterviewarenownedchildpsychologistnamedJudithWallerstein,whofoundedtheJudithWallersteinCenterfortheFamilyinTransitioninMarinCounty,notfarfromInverness,foramagazinearticle.Shegainedinternationalattentionwhenshebroughtsoberingnewstodivorce-happypost-60sAmerica.Beforethattime,divorcewasdifficult,stigmatized,andrarer,butchangingmoresandno-faultsplit-upsmadeiteasyandcommon.Itwasaliberatingchangeformanyadults—societalconventionsnolongerconfinedpeopletobadmarriages.Thegeneralassumption,mostlybasedonwishfulthinking,wasthatchildrenwouldbehappieriftheirparentswere.ButDr.Wallersteindiscoveredthatinmanycases,theyweretraumatized.

Shebeganherinterviewswithtwo-toseventeen-year-oldswhoseparentshaddivorcedintheearly1970s.Shefoundthatthechildrenwerehavingadifficulttimecopingwiththebreakups,butsheassumedthatthestrainswouldbeshort-lived.Shemetthesechildrenforasecondinterviewmorethanayearlater.Notonlyhadtheynotrecovered,buttheyweredoingworse.

Wallersteinfollowedthechildreneveryfewyearsforthenexttwenty-fiveyears.Inherseriesofbooks,shereportsherfindings—thatmorethanone-thirdofthesekidsexperiencedmoderatetoseveredepressionandasignificantnumberweretroubledandunderachieving.Manystruggledtoestablishandmaintainrelationships.

Noonewantedtohearthemessage,andthemessengerwas

attacked.FeministssaidthatWallersteinwaspartofthebacklashagainstwomen,ineffecttellingthemtogobackhome,staymarried,andtakecareoftheirchildren.Herworkwasappropriatedbyvariousspecialinterestgroups,includingtheconservativenewright,whouseditto"prove"theirargumentsabouttraditionalfamilyvalues—andtoattacksingleparentsandnontraditionalfamilies.Men'srightsgroupspraisedherforemphasizingtheimportanceoffathersinchildren'slivesandattackedherwhenshesaidthatsomeformsofjointcustodyseemedtobeharmingchildren.Butherworkreverberatedthroughoutthecountry,influencingcourts,legislatures,therapists,andparents.Herbookswerebestsellers,andtheyarestillusedasabiblebymanyjudgesandtherapists.SomejudgesassignWallerstein'sbookstodivorcingparents.

ImeetDr.Wallersteinatherwood-shinglehouseinBelvedere,overlookingthebayandSam'sGrillontheTiburonwaterfront.Sheisdiminutivewithsilverhair,gentlecrystal-blueeyes,preciselydressed.WhenIaskheraboutjointcustody,particularlylong-distancejointcustodylikeNic's,shetellsmethatshehasobservedyoungboysandgirlswho,uponreturningfromonehometotheother,wanderfromobjecttoobject—tabletobedtosofa—touchingthemtoaffirmthattheyarestillthere.Theabsentparentmaywellseemevenmoreelusivethanthefurniture.Aschildrengrowolder,thoughtheynolongerrequiretactileproof,theymayincorporateasensethatbothoftheirhomesareillusoryandimpermanent.Also,whileyoungchildrenmaysufferwhenjointcustodykeepsthemapartfromaparentfortoolong,frequenttransitions,especiallywhenparentslivefarapart,mayharmolderones.Dr.Wallersteinexplains,"Goingbackandforthmadeitimpossibleforchildrentoenjoyactivitieswithotherchildren...Teenagerscomplainedbitterlyabouthavingtospendtheirsummerswithparentsinsteadofwithfriends."Sheconcludes:"You'dliketothinkthatthesekidscouldsimplyintegratetheirlives

betweentheirtwohomes,havetwosetsofpeers,andeasilyadjusttobeingwitheachparent,butmostchildrendonothavetheflexibility.Theybegintofeelasifit'saflawintheircharacterwhenitissimplyimpossibleformanypeopletoconductparallellives."

Formanyfamilies,summervacationisarespitefromthestressesoftheschoolyear,devotedtotimetogether.Ijustwanttogetthroughitasfastaspossible.NicandIspeakregularlyonthetelephone.Hetellsmeaboutthemovieshesees,theballgamesheplays,abullyonaplayground,anewfriend,thebookshereads.ItisquieterwhenheisinLA,buteventhefunofthenewbabyistemperedbyalow-grademelancholia.Wenevergetusedtohimbeinggone.

Wemakethebestofthetimeswehavewithhim.Hecomesupfortwoweeksandwecraminasmuchsurfing,swimming,kayaking,andotherfunaspossible.WegotoSanFranciscotohangoutwithourfriends.Intheevenings,Nicplayswiththelittlekidsorwetalk.Hisreenactmentsofmovieshavelongbeenregulareveningentertainment.Nic'simpressionsareprecise.DeNiro:"Youtalkin'tome?"Notonlytheline,buttheentireTaxiDriverscene.AndTomCruise—"Showmethemoney"—andMr.T—"Ipitydafool..."HedoesJackNicholsoninTheShining,"He-e-e-e-re'sJohnny,"and,impeccably,DustinHoffman'sRainMan.AndSchwarzenegger:"Hastalavista,baby";"Chillout,dickwad";"I'llbeback";"Comewithmeifyouwanttolive."PossiblyhisbestisClintEastwood:"You'vegottoaskyourselfonequestion:'DoIfeellucky?'Well,doya,punk?"

WealsovisitNicinLosAngelesonourpredeterminedweekends,pickinghimupanddrivingnorthtoSantaBarbaraorsouthtoSan

Diego.OncewerentbicyclesonCoronadoIslandand,onanorangefull-moonnight,walkthebroadbeach,wherewearestartledbythespectacleoftensofthousandsofshimmeringgrunion,broughtontothesandbyawaveandleftbehindfortheirtransfixingmatingritual.Thefemalefishwriggleintothesand,depositingtheireggs.Themaleswraptheireellikebodiesaroundthem,fertilizingthem.Withinahalf-hour,therisingwavessweepthefishbackintothesea.Itseemsasiftheyhaveneverbeenthere,asifwe'dimaginedthem.

Aftertheseweekends,wedrophimbackathismotherandstepfather'shouseinPacificPalisades,hughim,andhevanishes.

Summerisover.Finally.Karen,Daisy,Jasper,andIgototheairport.Wewaitatthegateforthejoint-custodyshuttletoarrive.Alonglineofcommutersandfamiliespassbyandthen,trailingthem,cometheunaccompaniedminors,wearingpinkpaperbadgeswiththeirnameswritteninMagicMarker.Thelittlerchildrenalsohavepilot'swingspinnedtothelapelsoftheirjackets.AndthereisNic.Hehasashorthaircutandanewlight-bluebutton-downcardiganthathewearsopenoveraT-shirt.Wetaketurnshugging."Everything."Thenweclaimhissuitcasefilledwithhissummerthings.

AswedrivehometoInverness,Nictellsusabouthisseatmateonthisflight."Soshepullsouttheseredearmuff-styleheadphones,"hesaysofawomanwhohadzeroedinonhimwhensherealizedhewasalone."AndsheflipsonaWalkmanandstartsrockingandmovingherhead,hereyesclosed,mouthingthelyrics,singingtheminthiswarblingvoice:'Ooooo,baby.Ilo-v-v-v-eyoumyrockandmyredeemer...Ooooo,baby,it'syou,myLord,yousendme,it'syou-u-uwhosendsme.'"

Nicsurveyshisaudience—us."Whenshegetstotheplaceonthetapeshe'slookingfor,shepullsofftheheadphonesandputsthemonme,"hesays."'Listen,'shesaystome.'Yougottahearthis.'Shejustputsthemonmeandcranksupthevolumealltheway.Doesn'taskifIwanttohearoranything.Thesonggoes:'IrocktoJesus.Whoa-o-o.Jesusrocksme.Yeah.Jesus—youblowmymind.'Practicallyblowsmyheadoffit'ssoloud,butI'msmilingpleasantlyandItakeofftheheadphonesandhandthemtoherandtellherwhatagoodsongitis,andshesays,nowsortofsteely,'No,thenextoneisbest,'andshejamsthembackonmeandnowI'mlisteningtoa...it'sarapsong:'Ohthedevilwantstotemptme,yo,andIain'tgonnalisten,no...'andI'mstillsmilingandnoddingandfinallyItakeofftheheadphonesandhandthembacktoher.Shesays,'Thetape'sforyou,son,'andshetakesitoutoftheplayer.'No,thankyou,it'sverykindofyou,'buthereyesarescarynow,soIsay,'Well,ifyou'resureyoucanspareit,I'dlovethetape,thankyou.'"

Nicproducesthetapefromhispantspocket."Wannalisten?"

Weplayitaswedriveon.NicholdsJasper'shandsinhis,movingthemtothebeatandsingingalongwiththe"woowoo"chorus.

Thenoiselevelatourhousehasescalated.WhatwiththreechildrenandNic'sassortedfriendsandnumerousamplifiedandpercussioninstrumentsandthetwodogs,ourhouseisacacophonyofsinging,wailing,barking,laughing,yelping,Raffi,pounding,screeching,AxlRose,thumping,crashing,andhowling.Myagentonedayisspeakingtoafriendofmine.Shesays,"Idon'tknowifhelivesinadaycarecenteroradogkennel."

Weneedanewcar.Withourhordeofbeastsandchildren,theobviouswaytogoisaminivan.Wevisitcardealersandtestdrivesome.Icompareminivans,examiningtheirsafetyfeatures.WearenotfooledbytheHondaOdysseyadsaboutitbeingaminivanforpeoplewhohateminivans,butwebuyone.Asafeeblegaspofdissent,weaddsurfracksontop.

TherearefarmorebeautifulandlesstrampledbeachesalongthiscoastlinethanBolinas,whichthroughoutsummerisoverrunbydogsandteenagers.However,onthedaybeforeNic'sfreshmanorientation,wetaketothebeachonadazzlinglybrightafternoon.Karen,Jasper,andDaisyareonthesand,whereJaspertiesDaisyupinseaweed,andtogetherthelittlekidsstackshellsandeatsandandrollinthewavesattheedgeofthelagoon.BrutusandMoondogrunamokwithamotleypackoflocaldogs.Brutusatonepointstealsapicnicker'sbaguette.

NicandIpaddleoutintothelineupofsurfers,wherewesituponoursurfboards.Waitingforasetofwaves,Nictellsmemoreabouthissummerofbaseballandmovies,plusanupdateaboutthebullywhotauntedhimatalocalparkandthenchasedhimhomeonhisbike.Whenwebegindiscussingthefollowingday'sfreshmanorientation,headmitsthatheisnervousabouthighschool,butsaysheisexcited,too.

Thebestsetofthedaycomesrollinginandwecatchonemorewaveapieceandrideintothebeach,whereNicjoinsJasperinbuildingasand-and-driftwoodHobbitShiredecoratedwithkelpandseashells.

Astheywork,JasperasksNic,"What'sLAlike?"

"It'sabigcity,butIstayinanicetownontheedge,"hesays.

"Thereareparksandbeaches.It'skindoflikehere,butnoyou.ImissyouwhenI'mthere."

"Imissyou,too,"saysJasper,andthenheasks,"Whydoesn'tyourmommovehereandwecanallliveinthesamehouseandyouwouldneverhavetogoaway?"

"Niceidea,"Nicsays,"butsomehowIcan'tseeit."

OnthewayhomefromBolinas,wetalkmoreabouttheceaselessbackandforthbetweenhereandLA.Niccomplainsaboutit.Thoughhewouldneverwanttochoosebetweenhisparents,neitherwouldhechoosejointcustody.Thisismyconclusionaboutit:yes,ithascontributedtohischaracter.Heisaremarkablechild,moreresponsible,sensitive,worldly,introspective,andsagaciousthanhemighthavebeenotherwise.Butthetollhasbeensuchthat,giventhegeographicandemotionalchasmsthatcamewithourdivorce—thatprobablycomewithalmosteverydivorce—attheleastNicshouldnothavebeenforcedtodothetraveling.Weshouldhave.Thoughthevisitswouldbefarmoreinconvenient,IamconvincedthatNic'schildhoodwouldbeeasierforhim.Instead,heisleftwithameagerconsolationprizeforallhiscommutingbetweenparents:hehasmorefrequent-fliermilesthanmostadults.

6Ishighschoolbetter?"agirlasksherolderbrotherinIToddSolondz'sWelcometotheDollhouse.

"Well,"heanswers,"theycallyounamesbutnotasmuchtoyourface."

Ihatedhighschool,aDarwinianlaboratoryofcliquesandrandomactsofcrueltyandviolence.MygradeswereunaccountablydecentandIdidn'tgetintoanytrouble,butotherthanonewritingcourse,schoolwasawasteoftime.Ilearnednothing,andnoonenoticed.ButNic'shighschoolhasmoreincommonwithasmallliberalartscollege.Ithasvibrantprogramsinthearts,science,mathematics,English,foreignlanguage,journalism,andsoon,aswellascoursesinjusticeinAmerica,LangstonHughes,andreligionandpolitics,alltaughtbydevotedteachers.Thetuitionisexpensive.VickiandIstraintopayit.Werationalizethatnothingismoreimportantthanourchild'seducation.Evenso,Isometimeswonderhowmuchitwillmatter.Kidsinmyhometownwenttoprivateschools.Fromthestoriesthathavefilteredback,theydidn'tfareanybetterorworsethanthoseofusatmypublicschool.Maybewedeludeourselvesthatwecanpurchaseabetter,atleasteasier,lifeforourchildren.

Nic'sschoolislocatedonthe115-year-oldcampusofaformermilitaryacademy.Theclassroomsareopenandairy.Thereisanoutdoorpoolandgreenplayingfieldsandimpressivesciencelabs,artstudios,andatheater.Withinthefirstmonth,Nicisplayingonthefreshmanbasketballteamandhasgottenaroleinaplay.WemeetNic'snewfriendsoncampusandataFridayeveningget-togetheratourhouse.Theyseemlikegoodkids,busywithstudentcouncil,localpolitics,sports,painting,acting,writingplays,andperformingjazz

andclassicalmusic.Nicadoreshisteachers.Itisanauspiciousbeginning.

Niccontinuestodevourmovies,anobsessioneversincehecouldpushplayonaVCR.Asayoungchild,heonceaskedmeifFBImeantDisney,becauseheassociatedthesternantipiracywarningsatthestartofhomevideoswiththepromiseofadventure,romance,drama,andcomedy.AlongwithPinkPanther,ThinMan,andMontyPythonmovies,heisnowobsessed,thankstoKaren,withGodard,Bergman,andKurosawa.

Afterschoolandbeforemovies,andbetweensportsandplaysandhangingoutwithhisfriends,NicmakestimeforDaisyandJasper.DaisywasjustgettingthehangofEnglishbutforsomereasonswitchedtoanimallanguages—sheoinks,brays,andmeows.SheandJasper,whomwecallBoppyafterHale-Bopp,thecometthatisbuzzingaroundEarth—amopofbrownhairoverserene,wiseeyes—areenamoredoftheirbigbrother,andNicseemstoadorethemback.

Theschoolyearsailsalongsmoothly.Nicdoeshishomeworkswiftlyandconscientiously.Karenquizzeshimontheweek'sFrenchvocabulary.Ihelphimproofreadhiswritingassignments.ThenotesfromNic'steachersinhisreportcardsareglowing.

Then,onanafternooninMay,Nic,Jasper,andDaisyareintheyardwithKaren.Thetelephonerings.Itisthefreshmandean,whotellsmethatKarenandIhavetocomeinforameetingtodiscussNic'ssuspensionforbuyingmarijuanaoncampus.

"Hiswhat?"

"Youmeanyoudon'tknow?"

Nichadnottoldus.

Evenafterdiscoveringthemarijuanatwoyearsago,Iamstunned."I'msorry,butthismustbesomesortofamistake."

It'snomistake.

Myrationalizingbeginsimmediately.Heisexperimentingagain,Ithink,andmanykidsexperiment.ItellmyselfthatNicisn'tatypicaldruggie,notliketheboyswhohangoutonthemainstreetoftown,unsupervised,cigarette-smoking,aimless,ortheteenagesonofanacquaintancebackeastwho,highonheroin,wasinacarwreck.IrecentlyheardaboutagirlNic'sagewhoisinapsychiatrichospitalaftersheslitherwrists.Shewasonheroin,too.Nicisnotlikethosechildren.Nicisopenandlovinganddiligent.

Myparentsneverfoundoutaboutmydruguse.EventodaytheywilltellyouthatIammakingituporatleastexaggeratingit.I'mnot.Inhighschool,Iearnedmoneyforpotfrommysmallallowanceandanewspaperroute.Iwaslikemanychildrenwhogrewupinthelate1960sand1970swhoencounterednotonlycopiousmarijuanabutarangeofdrugsunknowntoanypreviousgeneration.Beforeus,kidssneakedalcohol,butdruguserswereexoticopiumsmokersinChinesedensorheroin-addictedjazzmusicians.Inourmiddle-Americaneighborhood,wherethetelevisionhadthreechannelsandtelephoneshaddials,oneofourneighborsgrewmarijuanaundergrowlightsinhisatticandanotherneighborsoldLSD.Peoplefrommanycrowdsatschool,notonlystonersbutjocksandbookishgirls,includingoneIlustedafterformostofmytimeinhighschool,seemedalwaystohavepotandavarietyofpills.

Intheevenings,withmynewfriends,unitedbymarijuanaandrockandroll,Igotstonedandhungoutonthestreet,orwewenttosomeone'shouse.Usuallyweslippedinundetected,butsometimeswewerecorneredandforcedtoeatdinnerwithourparents.Onetimemymothersaid,"Youtwoareinanawfullygoodmoodtonight,aren'tyou?"

Afterdinner,wewenttomyblack-lightedbedroom,aposterofJeffersonAirplaneonmywall,andlistenedtomusiconmystereo.TheBeatles,soloLennon,theKinks,andDylan:"Althoughthemastersmaketherules,forthewisemenandthefools,Igotnothing,Ma,toliveupto."

BrianJones,JanisJoplin,JimiHendrix,JimMorrison,KeithMoon—rockstarswerevered—died.Thesetragediesdidnotslowdownourdruguseabit.Theirdeathsdidn'tseemtoapplytous,maybebecausetheirdeaths,liketheirlives,wereexercisesinexcess.Insomewaystheyweresimplylivingoutthemusic."I'mwasted,"sangtheWho."IhopeIdiebeforeIgetold."And"Whydon'tyoualljustf-f-f-f-fadeaway."

Wedismissedwhatweviewedashysterical"speedkills"warningsandmanyotherantidrugpublic-serviceannouncements."They"—thegovernment,parents—weretryingtoscareus.Why?Ondrugswesawthroughthemandwewerenolongerafraidofthem.Buttheycouldnotcontrolus.

Myparentswererelativelyhip.TheylistenedtoHerbAlpertandtheTijuanaBrass.TheyhadoccasionalSaturdaynightpartieswiththeirfriends,amodassemblageofamateurmusicianswhogatheredinourlivingroomforcheesefondueandjamsessions.MyfatherplayedlikeAlHirtonabanged-uptrumpet,andmymother,whoworeminiskirtsand,forabriefperiodinthelate1960s,orangeand

purplepaisleypaperdresses,pumpedawheezyaccordion,playing"TheGirlfromIpanema"andthethemefromAManandaWoman.Butmyparents'modishnessstoppedatdruguse.Indeed,theirpartiesdidn'tevenincludealcohol.BeveragechoicesrangedfromFrescatoSanka.

Arizonasummersweresohotthatareporterfamouslyfriedaneggonthehoodofhiscar.Wheneverweopenedthefrontdoor,mydadwouldyell:"Inorout,inorout.Whatareyoutryingtodo,air-conditionthedesert?"

Intheevenings,Irodemybikewithafriend,atannedkidwitharegularboy'shaircut,pasthomeslikeours,tryingtoescapetheclaustrophobiaofourgrid,downtotheIndianreservationandendlessdesert.

Onestiflingsummernight,werodelikealwaystothereservationand,ignoringtheNOTRESPASSINGandDANGERsigns,climbedupontothesideofoneofthecementcanalsthatcutthroughthedesertfloor.Asweleanedbackonourelbows,watchingthestars,myfriendpulledoutasmallpieceofaluminumfoil.Heunwrappeditandhandedmeatinysquareofpaperstampedwithalion'sface.

"It'sLSD,"hesaid.

Nervously,Iplacedtheliononmytongue,whereIfeltitdissolve.

Iwasnauseatedandimmobileatfirst,butsoonpleasurablewavesbegantopulsethroughmybody.Withasuddenrushofenergy,Istoodup.Thenighttimeseemedbrighter.Acloudburstblewthroughthedesert,washingeverything.IwasastonishedthatIcouldseesowellatnight.Thethree-quartersmoonwaswhy,butIattributedittothedrug.Ajackrabbitracingbystoppedandstared.Mypersistent

feelingsofanxietyandalienationvanished.Ifeltanalmostoverwhelmingsenseofwell-being,asensethateverythingwouldbe—was—exactlyright.

Ihadtobehomebyten,andsoIrodeback,pedalingwithouteffort.Iparkedmybikeinthegarageandenteredthehouseasquietlyaspossible.

Iretreatedtomybedroombutwasstoppedenroute.Ijoinedmyparentsinthekitchen."Didyoubowlagoodgame?"Theydidn'thaveacluethatasIsatwiththemwatchingYouOnlyLiveTwice,themovieoftheweek,Iwastrippingmybrainsout.

OnthesunnyMayafternoon,KarenandIaresilentaswedrivetoNic'sschool.Studentshangingoutbytheflagpoleattheentrancetothecampusdirectustothecorrectofficeinthelowerfloorofthesciencebuilding.Wearemetbythefreshmandean,whowearsaT-shirt,khakishorts,andsneakers.Heasksustositdown,indicatingapairofplasticchairsthatfaceadeskcoveredwithsciencemagazines.Anotherman,boyishwithdarkflyawayhair,wearinganopen-collaredshirt,joinsus.Heisintroducedastheschoolcounselor.

Outsidethewindows,boys,includingsomeofNic'sfriends,arewhackingoneanotherwithlacrossesticksonthegreenathleticfield.

Thedeanandcounseloraskhowweareholdingup.

"We'vebeenbetter,"Isay.

Theynod.WithoutmakinglightofNic'sinfraction,theytake

painstoreassureus,explainingthatmanyschoolshavezero-tolerancepolicies,butthisonehaswhattheyhopeisamoreprogressiveandhelpfulapproach,takingintoaccounttherealityofchildren'slivesthesedays.

"Nicwillhaveasecondchance,"saysthedean,leaningforwardonhisdesk."Hewillbeonprobation,andifthere'sanotherviolationhewillbeout.Wealsorequirethatheattendanafternoonofdrugandalcoholcounseling."

"Whatexactlyhappened?"Iask.

"Outsidethecafeteriaafterlunch,ateachercaughtNicbuyingmarijuana.Theschool'spolicyisthatanyonesellingdrugsiskickedout.TheboywhosoldNicthepothasbeenexpelled."

Thecounselor,hishandsfoldedonhislap,says,"ThewayweviewthisisthatNicmadeabadchoice.Wewanttohelphimmakebetterchoicesinthefuture.Weviewthisasamistakeandanopportunity."

Itsoundsreasonableandhopeful.KarenandIfeelthankfulnotonlythatNichasanotherchance,butthatwearen'taloneintryingtosortthisout.Thedean,counselor,andotherteachersdealwiththissortofthingallthetime.

Duringthehour-longconversation,ImentionmyconcernthatNiclovessurfingandmightbeexposedtodrugsatthebeach.It'sastrangeparadoxthatformanykidsthehighofridingformidablePacificwavesisn'tenough.I'veseenthesurfersontheshore,inwetsuits,passingaroundjointsbeforeheadingintothewater.

Theyglanceateachother."WehavejusttheadvisorforNic,"says

thedean.

Hetellsusaboutoneoftheschool'sscienceteacherswhoisalsoasurfer.

"We'llcallDon."

"He'samazing.MaybehecouldbeNic'sadvisor."

Nexttheygiveusdetailsaboutacenterthatoffersdrugandalcoholcounseling.

Athome,weimmediatelycallandmakeanappointmentforthenextday.Thethreeofusmeetacounselor,andthenKarenandIleaveNicwithhimforatwo-hoursessionthatincludesaninterviewanddrugcounseling.Whenwepickhimup,Nicsaysthatitwasawasteoftime.

Don,theteacher,isacompactmanwithsandy-bronzehairandsea-blueeyes.Hisfaceisatoncesoftandrugged.Fromwhatwehear,heisrarelyeffusive,butguideschildrenwithasteadyandpatienthandandaninfectiousenthusiasmforthesubjectsandthestudentsheteaches.Heisoneofthoseteacherswhoquietlychangelives.Alongwithteachingscience,heistheschool'sswimmingandwater-polocoach.Inaddition,hehasagroupofadvisees.Nicbecomeshisnewestcharge,whichwelearnafewdaysafterthemeeting,whenNicisbackinschoolafterhissuspension.

"Thisguy!"Nicsaysasherunsintothehouse,throwingdownhisbackpackandheadingfortherefrigerator."Thisteacher..."Nicpours

cerealintoabowlandbeginscuttingupabananaontop."Hesatwithmeatlunch.He'samazing."Hepoursonmilk."He'sareallygoodsurfer.Hehassurfedhisentirelife."Hegrabsasliceofbread."Iwenttohisoffice.It'scoveredwithpicturesofbreaksaroundtheworld."Heslatherspeanutbutteronthebread,thengrabsthejamfromtherefrigeratorandspreadssomeontop."HeaskedifIwantedtosurfwithhimsometime."

Inafewweeks,thetwoofthemgosurfingtogether.WhenNicreturns,heiselated.DonregularlychecksinwithNicatschoolandhetelephonesthehouse.Astheschoolyearisabouttoend,hebeginsacampaigntosignNicupfortheswimteam,whichwillstartagaininfall.Nicisobdurate.Noway.ButDonignoresNic'srebuffs.Throughoutthesummer,hefrequentlyphonesNicinLosAngeles,checkingintoseehowheisfaring.HecontinuestoaskNicabouttheswimteam.Afteralate-summersurfsessionbackinnorthernCalifornia,heproposesadeal.Comefall,ifNicwillattendoneswim-teampractice,hewillstopharassinghimaboutjoining.

Nicagrees.

Nicisfifteen,anewsophomore,andaspromisedheshowsupattheinitialswim-teampractice,thenthenext,thentheoneafterthat.Withhisfit,lankybodyandarmsmuscularfromplowingthroughthickwavesonasurfboard,Nicisalreadyastrongswimmer,andheimprovesrapidlyunderDon'scoaching.Heenjoysthecamaraderieoftheteam.Mostly,heisinspiredbyDon."Ijustwanttopleasehim,"NictellsKarenonedayafterameet.

TheswimmingseasonendsaroundChristmasbreak.BythenDon

hassuccessfullyrecruitedNicforthewater-poloteam,too.Niciselectedcocaptain.Karen,Jasper,Daisy,andIareregularsathisgames—KarenandIsittingwiththeotherparents,JasperandDaisyclimbingupanddownthemetalgrandstandandchiminginatrandommoments,"Go,Nicky!"

Nicalsoshowspromiseasanactor.OnenightKaren,anassortmentofourrelativesandfriends,andIareastoundedbyastudent-directedperformanceofSpring'sAwakening,the1891play,oftenbannedoratleastcensored(butnotinthisproduction),byFrankWedekind.Itisastorythatfaceswithfranknessthesexualawakeningofagroupofadolescentsunabletoturntotheadultsintheirlivesforhelp.Agirlwhotakesanabortionpilldies;anothercharactercommitssuicide.

DonencouragesNic'sinterestinmarinebiology.AsNic'ssophomoreyearwindsdown,hetellshimaboutasummerprogramattheUniversityofCaliforniaatSanDiegodevotedtothesubject.OnedayNiccomeshomewavingabrochureandapplicationprintedoutfromtheprogram'sWebsite,askingifhecango.OncehismotherandIconfer,Nicapplies.

OnamorninginlateJune,theviewoutthejet'swindowisgorgeous.TheskyispinkandthePacificOcean,whereitabruptlymeetsthecoastline,sparklesdreamyblue,asoptimisticasSouthernCaliforniacouldpossiblybe.UponlandinginSanDiego,wegetoursuitcasesandpickuparentalcar.WedrivenorthuntilwereachtheturnoffforthesmallbeachtownofLaJolla.Exitingthefreeway,wedriveNictotheUCcampusandcheckhimin.Nicisabitnervous,butthesekidsseemwelcoming.Likehim,afewhavebroughtalongsurfboards,acomfortingsight.

Wesayourgoodbyes.DaisygrabsNicaroundtheneckwithher

tinyarms.

"It'sokay,bonky,"hesays."I'llseeyousoon."

Nicchecksinfrequentlybyphone.Heishavingablast."Imaywanttobeamarinebiologist,"hesaysoneday.HetellsusaboutthekidsintheprogramandhowheandtheothersurfersgetupearlybeforeclassestowalkdownthesteeptrailtoBlack'sBeach.Hesaysthathehasdecidedtogothroughthecamp'scertificationprogramforscubadiving.OnanightdivenearCatalinaIsland,heswimswithapodofdolphins.

Whentheprogramends,VickipickshimupandhespendstherestofthesummerinLA.Itgoesbyquickerthanusual,andsoonheishomeagain,preparingforhisjunioryear.

ItisNic'sstrongestyearinschoolyet.Hehasaclose-knitgroupoffriendswithwhomheseemsengagedandwithwhomhesharesimpassionedconcernsaboutpoliticsandtheenvironmentandsocialissues.TogethertheyprotestanexecutionatSanQuentin.AfriendofourswhoisalsothereseesNicsittingonthesidewalk.Tearsstreamdownhischeeks.Nicloveshisclasses.Writingremainsoneofhisstrongestsubjects.AlongwithhiscreativewritingforanEnglishteacherwhoinspireshimtowriteshortstoriesandpoems,hejoinsthestaffoftheschoolnewspaperasaneditorandcolumnist.Hepensheartfeltpersonalandpoliticalcolumnsaboutaffirmativeaction,theLittleton,Colorado,shootings,andthewarinKosovo.Heattendseditorialmeetingsandstayslateintotheeveningstohelpproofreadthepaper.Hiscolumnsareincreasinglybold.Oneexaminesthetimehesoldouthismosthighlyheldideals.Itisaboutsomeofourdearestfriends,thecouplewhobecameNic'sunofficialgodparents.OneofthemisHIVpositive.HegaveNicanAIDSbracelet,"onewiththesameAIDSribbonthatyouseeallthoseidioticcelebritieswearing,

theonethatishandedoutatthedoorastheyentertheOscars,"asNicwrites."Tomanyofthosepeople,thatribbonisprobablynothingmorethanfashionable,butonthebraceletfrommyfriend,itsymbolizedhope.Iwastoldthatthemoneyforitwenttofindingacureforthedisease."

Nicwrotethatheworethebraceleteveryday,"butthenIgotolder.Thoughmyfeelingsaboutmygodparentsneverchanged,Iworriedwhatotherpeoplewouldthink.Ibeganhearingpeopleatmyhighschoolsayhorriblethingsaboutgays...[and]Ibeganfeelinguncomfortableaboutwearingthebracelet...Finally,Istoppedwearingit."Then,Niccontinued,helostit."I'msorryIlostthebracelet,"heconcluded,"butmaybeitsabsencesymbolizesmorethanitspresencewould.ItsymbolizesthatIdidn'thavethestrengthtostandupformyfriend."

Encouragedbythejournalisminstructor,NicsubmitsthisandothercolumnstotheannualErnestHemingwayWritingAwardforhighschooljournalists.Hewinsfirstplace.NexthesubmitsacolumntotheMyTurnsectionofNewsweek,whichthemagazinepublishesinFebruary1999.Thepieceisanindictmentoflong-distancejointcustody."Maybethereshouldbeanadditiontothemarriagevows,"Nicwrites."'Doyoupromisetoloveandtohold,forricherandforpoorer,insicknessandinhealth,aslongasyoubothshalllive?Andifyoueverhavechildrenandwindupdivorced,doyoupromisetostaywithinthesamegeographicalareaasyourkids?'Actually,sincepeopleoftenbreakthosevows,maybeitshouldbealaw:Ifyouhavechildren,youmuststaynearthem.Orhowaboutsomecommonsense:Ifyoumoveawayfromyourchildren,youhavetodothetravelingtoseethem"?Hepoignantlydescribestheeffectofhisyearsofourjoint-custodyarrangement:"Iamalwaysmissingsomeone."

Nic'stasteinbooksandmusiccontinuestoevolve.Hisonetimefavoriteauthors,J.D.Salinger,HarperLee,JohnSteinbeck,andMarkTwain,havebeenreplacedbyanassortmentofmisanthropes,addicts,drunks,depressives,andsuicides:Rimbaud,Burroughs,Kerouac,Kafka,Capote,Miller,Nietzsche,Hemingway,andFitzgerald.Oneofhisfavoredwriters,CharlesBukowski,holdsthedistinctionofbeingthemoststolenauthorincollegebookstores.Heoncesummeduphisreadersas"thedefeated,thedemented,andthedamned."Adolescentsmaybe,oratleastfeellike,allofthosethings,butitworriesmethatthesewriters,particularlywhentheyglamorizedrugsanddebauchery,aresocompellingtoNic.

Atspringbreak,thetwoofussetoffonatourofcollegesintheMidwestandontheEastCoast.WeflytoChicago,arrivingonahazymorning.Wehaveafreeafternoon,sowevisittheArtInstituteandmuseumsand,intheevening,attendaplay.NicsitsinonclassesandstaysovernightinaUniversityofChicagodorm.Inthemorning,weflyontoBoston,wherewerentacar.Aftertwodaystouringschoolsinthecity,wedrivetoAmherst,wherewearriveafterdark.WestopinthecenteroftownandeatdinneratanIndianrestaurant.Afterward,weaskdirectionstoourhotel.Themanweaskbellowsurgentlyinresponse.

"Gostraight!"heshouts."Youwillcometotwolights."Helooksfiercelyintooureyes."Takearight!Youmusttakearight,neveraleft!"

NicandIfollowtheinstructionsexactly,Nicdirectingmeinthesamevolumeandtoneusedbytheman.

"Stop!"heyells."Right!Right!Right.Youmusttakearight,never

aleft!"

OurfinalstopisManhattan,whereNictoursNYUandColumbia.

Athome,hefillsouthiscollegeapplicationsandweplanhissummer.HeandKarencontinuetospeakFrenchtogether.Hehasanaptitudeforlanguage;memorizationiseasyforhimandhehasaflawlessear.WhathelacksinvocabularyhemakesupforinafluidParisianaccentand,withKaren'shelp,anarsenalofFrenchslang.Towardtheendoftheschoolyear,infact,hisFrenchteacherencouragesNictoapplytoasummerprograminParistostudythelanguageattheAmericanUniversitythere.VickiandIconferanddecidetosendhim.

NicspendsmuchofJuneinLAandthentravelstoParisforthethree-weeksession.Whenhereportsinbyphone,hesaysthathe'shavingagreattime.HisFrenchisimprovingandhehasmadegoodfriends.Heevenlandedapartinastudentfilm."Iloveithere,butImissallofyou,"hesaysonetimebeforehangingup."Givemylovetothelittlekiddos."

Whentheprogramends,NicflieshomeandImeethimattheairport.Waitingatthegate,Ispothimdisembarkingfromthejet-way.Helooksterrible.Hehasgrowntaller,butthat'snotwhatInoticefirst.Hishairisshaggyandunkempt.Thereareblackcirclesunderhiseyes.Somehowheisgrayer.Hismanneralarmsme.Idetectasimmeringsullenness.FinallyIaskwhatiswrong.

"Nothing.I'mfine,"hesays.

"DidsomethinghappeninParis?"

"No!"hereplieswithaflareofanger.Ilookathimsuspiciously.

"Areyousick?"

"I'mOK."

Withindays,however,hecomplainsofstomachpain,soImakeanappointmentwithourfamilydoctor.Theexaminationtakesanhour.ThenNiccomesoutandsaysthatIshouldjoinhim.Withhisarmsfoldedacrosshischest,thedoctorregardsNicwithconcern.Isensethatthereismorehewantstosay,buthesimplyannouncesthatNichasanulcer.

Whatchildhasanulceratseventeen?

7Afterhighschool,IenrolledattheUniversityofArizonainTucson,evenclosertotheU.S.-Mexicoborder.MyroommatewasfromManhattan.Charleshadatrustfund.Hisparentsweredead.Ineverlearnedthetruthabouthowtheydied,butalcoholanddrugswereinvolved.Perhapssuicide."Tohavelostoneparent,Mr.Worthing,mightbeconsideredamisfortune,"Charleswouldsay,appropriatingthefamouslineinTheImportanceofBeingEarnest."Tolosebothlookslikecarelessness."

Charleswasawkwardlyhandsome,withastrongnose,browncurls,andcoffeeeyes.Hehadalluringandprodigiousenergy.Heimpressedmeandotherswhomethimwithhisworldliness,storiesaboutChristmaseswithsomeKennedyrelationsinHyannisPortand"theVineyard,"andsummersinMonacoandontheCôted'Azur.WhenhetookmeandotherfriendsoutfordinnerataFrenchrestaurant,heordered—inFrench—escargot,foiegras,andDomPerignon.Heregaledhisaudienceswithtalesofboardingschoolhighjinksthatcouldhave(andmayhave)comeoutofFitzgerald;sexualescapadesthatcouldhave(andprobablydid)comeoutofHenryMiller.Ifyoumentionedthatyouneededanewshirt,hewouldrecommendatailorinHongKongwhoforyearsmadehisfather'ssuits.HeclaimedtoknowthebestwatchmakeronMadisonAvenue,bartenderattheCarlyle,andmasseuseatthePierre.MentionthatyouhadtastedagoodCaliforniawineandhewouldtellyouaboutaChâteauMargauxhedrankwithaRothschildscion.Everythingabouthimwascontrivedtoinspireawe.Includingthewayhedrankalcoholandtookdrugs.HedidbothwithwhatatthetimeIfoundtobeimpressivedetermination.

IdiscoveredthatthereweretwoparalleluniversitiesinTucson.

Onewasattendedbystudentswhotookcollegewithatleastsomedegreeofseriousness.Theother—theoneIattended—waschosenbyPlayboyasoneofthetoppartyschoolsinthenation.

IwasanamateurwhencomparedtoCharles,whoneverletschooloranythingelsegetinthewayofhisdissipation,thoughtherewouldbeintermittenthangoversaccompaniedbyguiltyresolutionstodobetter,followedbyChampagneormargaritatoaststohisnewassiduousness.

Charleshadfriends,alsofromNewYorkCity,whosharedapinkadobehouseonSpeedwayBoulevardonthefarendofTucsonfromtheuniversity.Theywerenotontrustfunds,buttheyhadmoneyforpartiesandsteakdinnersearnedbydealingfrozenmagicmushroomstheysmuggledinfromtheYucatán.

Atthetime,CarlosCastaneda'sTheTeachingsofDonJuananditssequelswerepopularoncollegecampuses.Castaneda,ananthropologist,chronicledhispursuitoftheknowledgeofaYaquiIndianshamanwhotaughthimaquasi-religiousphilosophyreminiscentofvariousEasternandWesternmysticaltraditions.IntegraltoDonJuan'sspiritualexplorationwastheconsumptionofpsychotropicdrugs,includingpeyote,datura,andpsilocybinmushrooms.MyfriendsandIwereintrigued,andthebooksencouragedustoviewourtripsonmushroomsorotherpsychedelicsnotasdebaucherybutasintellectualinquiry.Somehowwealsojustifiedmarijuana,Quaaludes,JackDaniel's,JoseCuervo,cocaine,andrandomuppersanddowners.

Irecallquitedistinctlytrippinginthered-rockhighdesertoutsideTucsonandwatchingaMexicandaisytransformintoaman'sface.Soonitandthedaisiesarounditmorphedintothefresh-facedvisagesofthousandsofangels,andthentheentireensemblebegan

whisperingtheanswertotheultimatequestion:whatisthemeaningoflife?ImovedclosersothatIcouldhearwhattheyweresaying,butthemurmuringvoicesgavewaytosubduedlaughter,andthearrayofsomberfacesturnedintoafieldoflaughingEnglishmuffins.

Bynight,afterafullwhitemoonhadrisenlowonthehorizon,IdecidedthatifthepeopleinItaloCalvino'sbook,whichwewerereadinginalitclass,coulduseladderstoclimbontothemoon,whynotme,butIgaveuptheideawhenCharlesannouncedthatitwastimetogoclubbing.

Charlesboughtdrugsforstudying,andtheyhelpedforhalfanhourorso.Thenwewouldbetoohightoconcentrateonanythingotherthanwhichbartovisit.CopiousamountsofdruganddrinkneverdeterredCharlesfromdriving,andhecrashedtwoPeugeots.Thankfully—miraculously—heneverharmedanyone,atleastasfarasIknow.Irodeshotgun,whichnowIknowwasaformofRussianroulette.

HeblastedtheRollingStones.Heplayedhisfavoritesong,"ShineaLight,"incessantlyandloudly,singingalongwithMickJagger,

Well,you'redrunkinthealley,babyWithyourclothesalltornAndyourlatenightfriendsLeaveyouinthecoldgreydawnJustseemedtoomanyfliesonyouIjustcan'tbrushthemoff.

Onadrug-fueledwhim,CharlesandIdecidedonenighttodrivetoCaliforniatoseethesunrise,andso,afterpackingupanarsenalofdrugs,webarreledwesttoSanDiego.Itwasstilldarkwhenwearrivedatthebeach.Sittingonthesand,blanketsoverourshoulders,

staringouttothehorizon,weawaitedthesunrise.Wesmokedjointsandtalked.Afteralongwhile,oneofusnoticedthatitwaslight.Weturnedaround.Itmusthavebeentenorso.Thesunhadrisenhoursearlier.

"Oh,"Charlessaidwithstrikinginsight."Thesunrisesintheeast."

Anothertime,whiledrivingtoTucsonaftervisitingmyparentsinScottsdale,weofferedaridetoahitchhiker.Whenwearrivedatherdestination,askydivingschoolinthemiddle-of-nowheredeserttownofCasaGrande,ourriderconvincedustotryherfavoritesport.Theinstructionalsessiontookplaceinfrontofawallonwhichsomeonehadpainted,"Everythingyoudoonthegroundisirrelevant."Ourlecturersaid,"Yourmostimportantjobistoenjoytheride."Whenhearrivedatthefinaleofhisspeech,heburstintoacackleandsaid,"Fuckit.Let'sfly."

Myparachutedidn'topen.Iwassavedatthelastpossiblesecondwhenmyreservechuteslowedmedown.Ihithardbutwasallright.Charlescamerunninguptome."Far-fuckingout!"

Drugstoriesaresinister.Likesomewarstories,theyfocusonadventureandescape.Inthetraditionofalonglineoffamousandinfamouscarousersandtheirchroniclers,evenhangoversandnear-deathexperiencesandvisitstotheemergencyroomcanbemadetoseemglamorous.Butoftenthestorytellersomittheslowdegeneration,psychictrauma,and,finally,thecasualties.

Onenight,afterCharlesreturnedfromatwo-daybender,Ibecameworriedbecausehewasinthebathroomforsolong.Whenhedidn'trespondtomycalls,Ibrokethelockandpushedopenthedoor.Hehadpassedout,crackinghisskullonthetilefloor,whichwas

smearedwithblood.Icalledanambulance.Atthehospital,thedoctorwarnedCharlesabouthisdrinking,andhepromisedtostop,butofcoursehedidn't.

Laterintheyear,anotherofourHunterThompson-inspiredroadtripsbroughtustoSanFrancisco,wherewearrivedonapristineearlyevening.Ihadneverbeentherebefore.Westoppedthecaratopthecity'shighesthill.Theinvigoratingwindblew.AfterachildhoodinArizona,IfeltasifIcouldbreatheforthefirsttimeinmylife.

IappliedforatransfertotheUniversityofCaliforniaatBerkeley.Ihadn'tyetdamagedmytranscriptandsoIwasaccepted,enrollingforthefall.Itwasatimewhenitwasnotunusualforastudentattheuniversitytoconstructanindividualsocialsciencefieldmajor.Myfocuswasdeathandhumanconsciousness.

IembracedmystudiesatBerkeley,butdrugswereplentifulthere,too.Cocaineandpotwerethemainstaysofmanyofourweekends.Afriend'sfather,adoctor,prescribedbottlesofQuaaludesbecausehedidn'twanthissontakingstreetdrugs.Ididmanydrugs,butnomorethanmostofthosearoundme.Somehowwehaveevolvedsothathighereducationanddrunkennessanddrugsare,formanystudents,inextricablytied.

IkeptintouchwithCharles,whosedrinkinganddruggingescalatedinawaythat,alltheseyearslater,makesmeworryaboutNic.Mydrugusewasexcessive,butIwasneverlikeCharles.Atoneortwointhemorning,IwouldcallitanightbecauseIhadtogetupforclass.CharleswouldlookatmeasifIwereoutofmymind.Hewasjustgettingstarted.

AfterhissummerinFrance,Nicisbackinschool.Theulcerhashealed,butheisdifferent.Hestilldoeswellinmostofhisclasses,maintainingahighgrade-pointaverage,asifthatmakeshisdescentmoretragicthanifhehadbecomeafuckup.However,hequitstheswimmingandwater-poloteamsand,eventually,thenewspaper.Hebeginscuttingclasses,insistingthatheknowsexactlywhathecanandcannotgetawaywith.Hecomeshomelate,pushingthelimitsofhiscurfew.Ourconcernmounting,KarenandImeetwiththeschoolcounselor,whosays,"Nic'scandor,unusualespeciallyinboys,isagoodsign.Keeptalkingitoutwithhimandhe'llgetthroughthis."

Iwilltry.

ItisasifNicisbeingpulledbytwocountervailingforces.Nic'steachersandcounselors—andhisparents—worktoholdhimupandkeephimfromsuccumbingtoanotherforce,oneinsidehim.

Aftertwenty-fiveyearsatthisschool,Donacceptsapositionelsewhere.NoonehasthekindofinfluencehehadonNic,notthatDon—oranyone—coulddoanythingtoaffectthecourseNicison.SometeachersarestillimpressedbyNic'sacumenandwritingandpaintingtalent,includingapieceforastudentartexhibition,gouacheontheinsideofaClueJr.game,depictingascreamingboywithwritingoverhisface.Butotherteachersareconcerned.AformerhistoryteacherNicadoredcallstosay,"He'sjustnotinterestedintalkingaboutwhateverisgoingon."Senioritisiscommon,butonedayhisclassdeantellsmethatNichasbrokenaschoolrecordformostmissedclassesofanysenior—evenaswehearfromthecollegestowhichNicapplied.Hehasbeenacceptedtomostofthem.

Nicspendsasmuchtimeaspossibleawayfromhome.Hehangsoutwithacrowdoflocalboyswhoareobviousstoners.IconfrontNic,buthedeniesthatheisusinganything.Heissmartenoughto

justifysomeoutrageousbehaviorwithconvincinglies,andheisgettingbetteratcoveringhistracks.WhenIdiscoverhisdishonesty,I'mconfoundedbecauseIstillthinkthatweareclose—closerthanmostfathersandtheirsons.Eventuallyheadmitsthatheisusingsomedrugs"likeeveryone,""justpot,"andonly"onceinawhile."Hepromisesthathenevergetsintoacarwithanyonewhoishigh.Myadvice,pleading,andangerfallondeaf—stoned—ears.Hecontinuestoreassureme:"It'snobigdeal.It'sharmless.Don'tworry."

"It'snotalwaysharmless,"Isay,repeatingawell-wornlecture."Itcanbecomeaproblem.Forsomepeople.Iknowpeoplewhostartedsmokingalittlebutbecamepotheadsand..."

Nicrollshiseyes.

"It'strue,"Icontinue."Theirambitionwasdrainedbecauseofdecadesofmarijuanasmoking."Itellhimaboutanotherex-friend,onewhowasneverabletoholddownajobandneverhadarelationshipthatlastedlongerthanamonthortwo."Heoncetoldme,'I'velivedinacloudofsmokeandtelevisionsinceIwasthirteen,somaybeit'snotsurprisingthatthingshaven'tturnedoutbetterforme.'"

"Yousmokedtonsofpot,"Nicsays."You'reagreatonetotalk."

"IwishIhadn't,"Isay.

"Youworrytoomuch,"herepliesdismissively.

Onavisittomyparents'forafamilypartyinArizona,NicandIgo

forawalkaroundtheblock.SinceIlivedhere,thepalmtreeshavegrownthinandabsurdlytall,likegiraffeswithpreposterouslylongnecks.Afewofthehomeshavebeenremodeledwithsecondstories.Otherwise,ourstreetappearsthesame.IrememberwhenNicandItookthisidenticalroutewhenhewastwoorthree.IledhimwitharopetiedtoasmallplasticcarwithNicinthedriver'sseat.WewenttoChaparralPark,wherehepulledontheimaginaryhandbrake,openedthedoor,andcarefullyshutit,beforerunningtowardtheshoreoftheman-madelake.Therehefedpiecesofbreadtoducksandgeese.ArattyoldgoosebithisfingerandNicwailed.

IknowthatIamlosingNic,butIstillrationalizeit:it'stypicalofadolescentstodriftawayfromtheirparents—tobecomesurlyanddistant."You'vegottowonderwhatJesuswaslikeatseventeen,"AnneLamottwrote."Theydon'teventalkaboutitintheBible,hewasapparentlysoawful."Still,Itrytobreakthrough,togetNictotalk,buthedoesn'thavemuchtosay.

Finallyheturnstomeandmatter-of-factlyasksifIwanttosmokesomepot.Ieyehim.Ishetestingme,assertinghisindependence,ortryingtoreachout—toconnect?Maybeallthosethings.

Hepullsoutajoint,lightsit,andpassesittome.Istareaminute.Istillsmokepot,albeitrarely.Imaygotoapartyorafriend'shousewherepotissmokedascasuallyaswineisservedwithdinner.Onsuchoccasions,Itakeahit.Ortwo.

Butthisisdifferent.AndyetIacceptthejoint,thinking—rationalizing—thatit'snotunlikeafatherinapreviousgenerationsharingabeerwithhisseventeen-year-oldson,aharmless,bondingmoment.Iinhale,smokingwithhimaswewalkthroughmyoldneighborhood.Wetalkandlaughandthetensionbetweenusmeltsaway.

Butitreturns.Thateveningwe'rerightbackwherewewere.Nicisthebelligerent,annoyedteenager,miffedathavingbeendraggedtoArizona.I'mtheoverwrought,worried,andinmanywaysineptparent.ShouldIhavesmokedwithhim?Ofcoursenot.I'mdesperate—waytoodesperate—toconnectwithhim.It'snotaverygoodexcuse.

Nicagreestoseeanewtherapist,onerecommendedtousasageniuswhenitcomestoworkingwithadolescentboys.EvenaswearriveforNic'sappointment,heisfilledwithuneaseandatingeofdisgustattheprospectofmeetinganothershrink.Thetherapististallwithaslightstoop,heavyset,andhasintenseblueeyes.HeandNicshakehandsandtheydisappeartogether.

Anhourlater,Nicemergeswithasmileandcolorinhischeeksandaspringinhisstepforthefirsttimeinawhile."Thatwasamazing,"hesays."He'sdifferentfromtheothers."

Nicbeginsweeklyafter-schoolsessions,thoughhemissessome.KarenandImeetwiththetherapist,too.Inonesession,hemaintainsthatcollegewillstraightenNicout.It'salaughablenotion—whenhasthefreshmanyearofcollegestraightenedanyoneout?AndyetIcanonlyhopehe'sright.

Onasunnylatespringafternoon,Vickicomesupandshe,Karen,Daisy,Jasper,andIattendNic'shighschoolgraduation.Theceremonyisheldontheathleticfield.Nichasbeenupsetsincehis

classelectedtowearcapsandgowns.KarenandIwillbedisappointed,butnotsurprised,ifhedoesn'tshowup.Buthedoes.Withhishairfreshlybuzzed,incapandgown,Nicmarchesforwardandacceptshisdiplomafromtheschoolhead,kissinghercheek.Heseemsjubilant.Ileaponeachsmallsignthathemightbeallright.Ithink,Maybe.Maybeeverythingwillbefineafterall.

Followingtheceremony,weinvitehisfriendsoverforabarbecue.Alongtableissetunderneathadogwoodinfullpinkflower.Inthemiddleofdinner,duringthepassingofplattersoffood,Nicandhisfriendsareupanddownandinsideandout.Thentheysaygoodbyeandleaveforthe"SafeandSober"grad-nightbashbeingheldatalocalrecreationcenter.Hisfriendsdrophimhomelatethatnight—Nic,myhighschoolgraduate,who,whenIaskabouttheparty,beelinespastmeintohisbedroom,muttering,"I'mexhausted.Goodnight."

Insummer,thereisnomorepretenseofrestraintonNic'spart.Itisobviousbyhiserraticbehaviorandmoodswingsthatheisoftenhighandthatmarijuanaisbeingsupplementedbyotherdrugs.Mythreats,punishments,andthreatsofmoreseverepunishmentsareuseless.Nicoccasionallyreactswithconcernandremorse,butmoreoftenwithdisgust.Ihavebecomeinconsequential.Idon'tseewhatmoreIcandootherthanwarnhim,negotiateandenforcecurfews,denyhimtheuseofthecar,andcontinuetodraghimtothetherapist,evenashebecomesincreasinglyfurtive,argumentative,andreckless.

WestillgotoNancyandDon'sforWednesdaynightdinners.Theadultsgatherinthekitchenwhilethegrandchildrenareusuallydownstairsinabasementcrowdedwithstoredfurnitureandhanging

kayaksandaFolbot,playingPing-Pong.Ortheyareswinginginthelivingroom.NancyandDon'sistheonlyhouseIhaveeverseenwithaswinginside.Ithasthickropeshangingfromarafterbeamandacanvasseat.Sometimesthekidsusetheswingsetasalaunchingpadinabowlinggame.Firsttheystackmulticoloredcardboardbricksintoelaboratetowers.ThentheyaimDaisy,sittingontheswingandholdingontotheropes,andletherfly.

Agreatwoodenislandwithasix-burnerrangeisthemainfeatureinNancy'skitchen.There'susuallysomethingcookingonit,andtheroomexudesdeliciousandexoticandoccasionallyburnedodorsofwhateverrecipeNancyfoundinthenewspaper,thelatestPeggyKnickerbockercookbook,orGourmet.Onenightyellowchickencurryisservedwithwhitejasminerice,raitamadewithyogurtandcucumbers,mangochutney,andIndianflatbreadflavoredwithcardamom.AnothermenuincludesabubblingMexicancasserolewithgreenchiliesandcheese.Orroastporkstewedwithlemonsandprunes,crispypotatoes,andBrusselssproutsfriedwithpancetta.Whenit'stimetoeat,thekidschoosetheirfavoriteceramicplates,eachwithadifferentanimalonit.Jasperalwayschoosesthewhale.DaisyandtheircousinfightoverthedoguntilDaisyrelents,settlingonthedonkey.

Nicstillseemstoenjoythesefestiveevenings.Buttonightheisactingstrangely.He'sinthekitchen,utteringaseriesofnonsequiturs."Whyshouldn'tpeoplehavesexwithwhoevertheywantwhentheywant?Monogamyisanarchaicconvention,"helecturesNancy,wholistensasshestirsaboilingpotonthestove."Dr.Seussisagenius."Hegoesonforawhileabouthislatest,frenzied,incoherentphilosophiesofthetypeIimaginehimspoutinglateintothenightwithhisfriends.

Later,however,itdawnsonmethatNicmusthavebeenon

something.Inthemorning,Iaskhim.Hedeniesit.Ionceagainthreatenhim,butmythreatsaremeaningless.Iforbidhimtousedrugs,butthis,too,isuseless.Whenweconsulthistherapist,headvisesmeagainstbarringdrugsfromourhouse,saying,"Ifyouforbidthem,he'lljustsneakit.Hisdrugusewillgounderground,andyouwillhavelosthim.It'ssafertohavehimhome."

Friendsandfriendsoffriendsoffercontradictoryadvice:Kickhimout,don'tlethimoutofyoursight.Ithink:Kickhimout?Whatchancewillhehavethen?Don'tlethimoutofmysight?Youtrycorrallingaseventeen-year-oldondrugs.

Itisatranquilmidsummerevening,justbeforehiseighteenthbirthday.Iarrivehomeandsensethatsomethingisamiss.SlowlyIrealizethatNicisgone,andhehasrobbedthehouseofcash,food,andacaseofwine.Hewasselective.Hetookonlyverygoodwine.Iaminapanic.Icallhistherapist,whoinspiteofthisepisodereassuresmethatNicwillbeallright,thatheisappropriately"exercisinghisindependence."Ifhisrebellionisextreme,itisbecauseIhavemadeitdifficultforNictohaveanythingtorebelagainst.

Finallysomeonehassaidit:soitismyfaultthatNichasbeenincreasinglysullenandshadowyandtakingdrugsandisnowlyingandstealing.Iwastoolenient.Iamreadytobearthisjudgment,toacceptthatIhaveblownit,thoughIdowonderaboutthechildrenintroublewhoseparentswereoverlystrictandthosewhowerefarmorelenientthanmeandyetwhosechildrenappeartobefine.

Nicisgonetwodaysbeforehecalls.Apparently,heandhis

friendsareinDeathValley,onaKerouacianodysseyfueledbydrugsandliquor.Idemandthathereturnhome.Hedoes,andIgroundhim.Wemakeanarrangementwherebyhewillworktopaymebackforthethievery.(Idonotholdmybreath.)

"You'realwaystryingtocontrolme!"NicshrieksoneeveningwhenItellhimhecan'tgooutduringtheperiodheisgrounded.Heisdressedinbaggygreenpantsheldupwithaclotharmybeltandawhiteshirtwithrolled-upsleeves.

"I'vegivenyouamplefreedom.Youabusedit."

"Fuckyou."Herepeatsitwithvenom."Fuckyou."Hestormsofftohisbedroom,slammingthedoor.

KarenandIhaveasessionwithNicinthetherapist'soffice,asmallandcomfortableroomwithapairofcushionedchairs.Nicsitsmoroselyoppositeus,floppedonacouch.Thetherapistdoeshisbesttoorchestrateacivilconversation,butNicisirascibleanddefensive,minimizingmyconcernsasstupidandoverprotective.Heonceagainlashesoutatusfortryingtocontrolhim.

Afterward,butonlyafterward,IconcludeonceagainthatNicmusthavebeenhigh.WhenIcalltoaskthetherapistforhisopinion,hesays,"Maybe,butadolescenthostilityisnormal.It'sgoodthathehaspermissiontogetitoutwithyou.It'shealthy."

Weagreetoafollow-upsession,whichismorecivil.Nicapologizesandsaysthathehadbeenangry.Hegoessofarastoassureusthathispartying—headmitsto"modest"partying—isapreludetothehardworkofcollege."IfeelasifIdeserveit,"hesays."Iworkedhardinhighschool."

"Youneverworkedthathard."

"Well,I'llbeworkinghardwhenIstartcollege.Iunderstandwhatagreatopportunityitis.Iwon'tblowit."

OfcourseIstillwanttobelievehim.Idon'tthinkit'ssimplythatIamgullible,butIcannotfathomtheimplicationsofhisbehavior.Whenchangetakesplacegradually,it'sdifficulttocomprehenditsmeaning.

Itisafortnightlater,onSundayafternoon,andKarenplanstotakeallthreekidstothebeach.Iamondeadline,soI'mstayinghometowrite.

Thefoghaslifted,andIamwiththeminthedriveway,helpingpackthecar.Ourfriendswhoarejoiningthempullupintheircar.Next,twocountysheriff'spatrolcarspullup.Whenapairofuniformedofficersapproach,Ithinktheyneeddirections,buttheywalkpastmeandheadforNic.Theyhandcuffhiswristsbehindhisback,pushhimintothebackseatofoneofthesquadcars,anddriveaway.

Jasper,whoissix,istheonlyoneofuswhorespondsappropriately.Hewails,inconsolableforanhour.

8ThearrestistheresultofNic'sfailuretoappearincourtafterbeingcitedformarijuanapossession,aninfractionheforgottotellmeabout.Still,Ibailhimout."Thisistheonlytime,"Isay.Iamconfidentthatthearrestwillteachhimalesson.

Nicismoody,butheholdsdownajobasabarista,pullingespressosandsteamingmilkinacoffeestoreinMillValley.Wegoinsometimes—Karen,Jasper,Daisy,andI.Nicstandsbehindthecounter,greetinguswithabigsmile.Heintroducesthekidstotherestofthecrewandthenwhipsuptallcupsofhotchocolatewithdownypeaksofwhippedcreamforthem.

Nicregalesuswithworkplacestories.Hehascometoknowmanyregularcustomers,whofallintooneofseveralcategories."Smarges"ordersmallcoffeesinlargecups.Asheexplainsit,smargesknowthatthebaristasfillupthelargecup,sotheygetextracoffeeforfree,savingaquarter."Whybothers"wantcappuccinosmadewithdecaffeinatedespressoandfat-freemilk."Quads"aremaniacswhoorderquadrupleespressos.Unpleasantcustomerspaydearlyfortheirrudeness.Nicandhiscoworkersavengethemselvesbyintentionallymixinguporders,soanyparticularlynastycustomerwhospecifiesdecafgetsdoubleshotsofleadedespresso,whileoneswhoorderregularcoffeereceivedecaf.

NicdotesonJasperandDaisyasmuchasever.Onemorning,inanimpishmood,NicdoeshisAgnesMooreheadimpersonation—theonefromPollyanna—butthistimehisaudienceisDaisy.

"Missy,youhaveastuffylittlenose!"

HowoftenhavewebeenfuriouswithNicbutthenhavefoundourselvesdisarmedbyhiskindnessandhumor?HowcanbothNics,thelovingandconsiderateandgenerousone,andtheself-obsessedandself-destructiveone,bethesameperson?

Daisy,standingupinanAfricanbasket,isfurious."Nic,howdidyoufindme?It'snotfair."

Asusual,herhidingplacewasthefirsttobediscoveredinagameofsardines.Nicfoundhercurledupinthebasketnearthebookshelfinthelivingroom."Stopyercaterwauling,"Nicsaysinanewvoice,sortofapirateybrogue."Howmanybasketsgoonsingin'songs?Nexttimekeepyersingingtoyerself."

ThetworunoutsideinsearchofJasperandtheircousins,whoarestillhidden.Itistheendofsummerandthemapleleavesaremaroon,therosesandhydrangeastartlinglywhiteandyellow.Theairisbrisk,andthekids,inthemidstoftheirgame,exhalesteam.

Nic,thistimeimitatingKarlMalden,afire-and-brimstonepreacher—againfromPollyanna—bellowsatJasper,"We'llfindyou,andwhenwedowe'llstringyouupbyyourfiddlytoes."

"Yeah,"Daisysays."Andpourchocolatesyruponyourfillilyhead."

Nicplayswiththelittlekidsanditseemsasifalliswellinourhouse.Afterhisarrest,thisparadoxbafflesme.

NichasdecidedtoattendBerkeley.OnawarmAugustafternoon,we

pileintothecar,andKarenandI,withJasperandDaisyintow,driveNictheretohelphimsettlein.Westopforpizzaandthenenterthesprawlingcampus,wherewefindBowlesHall,anancientTudordormitory.

"It'sacastle!"Jaspersays,impressedandenvious."Yougettoliveinacastle!"

Weparkoutfrontandhelphimcarryhisluggagethroughthestonearchwayanduptwoflightsofstonestairs,wherewefindNic'sroomandmeethisroommates,whoareunpacking.Theyseemserious,studious,and,inonecase,nerdy.Allseemextremelynice.Oneboywithscruffyredhairandalight-bluecrewnecksweaterisassemblinganelaboratehome-builtcomputersystem.Anotherboy,thisoneinovaltortoiseshellglassesandastripedT-shirt,hasGeorgeMichael,CelineDion,BarbraStreisand,andEltonJohnstackedhaphazardlyonasmallCDplayer,aselectionthatdoesnotbodewellforharmonyinthesmallroom,givenNic'suncompromisingmusicaltaste.

Nicwalksusouttothecar."It'llbeOK,"hesaysnervously."It'sacoololdbuilding."

Hehugseachofus.

ImentiontheGeorgeMichaelandNiclaughs."I'lleducatethem.Itwon'ttakelongbeforethey'relisteningtoMarcRibot."RibotsingsoneofNic'sfavoritesongs,"Yo!IKilledYourGod."

Whenhecallsinafewdays,Nicseemsengagedbyhisclasses,particularlyapaintingcourse.Insubsequentcalls,however,headmitsthathecan'tbuildstretcherbarsforhiscanvases."NomatterwhatIdo,theycomeoutallcockeyed,"hesays."AndIhavetolugthem

acrosscampus.IfeellikeJesuscarryinghiscross."

Morephonecalls,andhe'scomplainingabouthisothercourses,too."We'retaughtbyTAs,notrealprofessors,"hesays."They'remorons."

Insomeoftheconversationsthatfollow,Nicseemsdistracted,andthenhestopsregularlyreturningmycalls.Ihavenoideawhat'sgoingon,buthissilencetellsmethatthingsaren'tgoingwell.Whenfinallyhechecksin—"I'vebeenstayingwithfriends";"school'scoolbutI'mreallyintotheundergroundmusicsceneouthere"—IencouragehimtotakeadvantageoftheopportunityhehasatCal,toweathertheinitialperiod."Itwillbeworthwhile,"Isay."It'salwaysdifficultatthebeginning,butyou'lldofine."

Isuggestthathemeetwithschoolcounselorsinthehealthcenterand,ifhewants,checkinwithhistherapist,whohasextendedanopeninvitationforNictokeepintouchaslittleorasoftenashewants."Lotsoffreshmenstruggleatfirst,"Isay."It'scommon.Maybethecounselorscanhelp."

Hesaysit'sagoodidea.Partofmebelieveshe'llfollowthroughandseekhelp,butabiggerpartknowsthathewon't.Aweeklater,oneofNic'sroommatescalls,tellingmetheyareworriedbecauseNichasn'tshownupforafewdays.Iamdistraught.

Twodayslater,onalatefallafternoon,Niccalls,finallyadmittingthatcollegeisn'tworking.Assumingthatdrugsaretheproblem,Isaythatweneedtotalkaboutrehab,buthesaysthatheisn'tusinganythingmuch."Iwasn'treadyforcollege,"hesays."Ijustneedsometime.Ihavelotsofworktodoonmyselffirst.I'vebeenhavingahardtime—feelingprettydepressed."

Nicsoundslevel-headedanditmakessomesensetome.There'sampleevidencethatmanychildrenusedrugstoself-medicatefordepression,nottomentionahostofmental-healthdisorders.Thedrugstheytakemaybecomethefocalpointforbothkidsandtheirparents,buttheymaybemaskingdeeperproblems.Howcanaparentknow?Weconsultmoreexperts,buttheydon'tnecessarilyknow,either.Diagnosisisn'tanexactscience,andit'scomplicated,particularlyforadolescentsandyoungadults,forwhommoodchanges,includingdepression,arecommon.Manysymptomsofthesedisordersappeartobeidenticaltosomeofthesymptomsofdrugabuse.Also,bythetimeexpertsfinallyfigureoutthatthere'saproblem,drugaddictionmayhaveexacerbatedtheunderlyingailmentandfusedwithit.Itbecomesimpossibletoknowwhereoneleavesoffandtheotherbegins.

"Consideringthelevelofmaturityofyoungadolescents,theavailabilityofdrugs,andtheageatwhichdrugsarefirstused,itisnotsurprisingthatasubstantialnumberofthemdevelopseriousdrugproblems,"writesRobertSchwebel,Ph.D.,inSayingNoIsNotEnough."Oncethishappens,theeffectsaredevastating.Drugsshieldchildrenfromdealingwithrealityandmasteringdevelopmentaltaskscrucialtotheirfuture.Theskillstheylackedthatleftthemvulnerabletodrugabuseinthefirstplacearetheveryonesthatarestuntedbydrugs.Theywillhavedifficultyestablishingaclearsenseofidentity,masteringintellectualskills,andlearningself-control.Theadolescentperiodiswhenindividualsaresupposedtomakethetransitionfromchildhoodtoadulthood.Teenagerswithdrugproblemswillnotbepreparedforadultroles...Theywillchronologicallymaturewhileremainingemotionaladolescents."

Aspecialistonchilddevelopmenttellsmethatchildren'sbrainsareattheirmostmalleable—thatis,thegreatestchangetakesplace—beforetheyaretwoyearsoldandthenagainwhentheyareteenagers.

"Theworsttimeforapersontobetamperingwiththeirbrainsiswhentheyareteenagers,"shesays."Drugsradicallyalterthewayteenagers'brainsdevelop."Assheexplainsit,experienceandbehaviorhelptosetupacyclethatmaydeepenemotionalproblems.Thebiologicalunderpinningmaybecomemoreacuteandmoreintractable.Itenforcesandreinforcesthepsychologicalproblems,whichbecomemorefirmlyestablished.Afterthat,treatingpeoplewhosedrugusebeganwhentheywereteenagersisfurthercomplicatedbecausedeconstructingorreroutingestablishedpathwayshavebiologicalaswellasemotionalandbehavioralroots.

WhenNicbroachesit,Icanbelievethathehasbeensufferingfromotherproblems,possiblydepression.Couldtheimpressivelycredentialedshrinkshe'sseenmissedsuchanobviousdiagnosis?Ifthetherapistsmissedit,perhapsitisbecauseNicisgoodatcoveringitup,justashewasgoodatcoveringuphisdruguse.Depressionisaplausibleexplanationandeasiertoacceptthanadrugproblem.It'snotthatdepressionisn'tserious,butunlikedrugs,itisnotself-inflicted.ItisreassuringtoimaginethatdrugsareasymptomandnotthecauseofNic'sdifficulties.

NicalsotellsmethatBerkeleywasamistakeandhewoulddobetteratasmallercollege.HistheoryisthathewasswallowedupintheimpersonalCalbureaucracy."Itriedtoseeacounselor,"hesays,"likeyousuggested.ButIhadtowaitinlineforanhourtomakeanappointment.Igottothefrontofthelineandtheytoldmethatthefirstappointmentwasaweeklater.

"Iwanttoapplytocollegesagain,"hecontinues."Inthemeantime,IthinkIshouldtakeayearofffromschool,getajob,and

getbackinphysicalandmentalshape."

Nicmoveshomeagain.Hepromisestofollowtherulesweestablish—hewillgototherapy,honorcurfews,helparoundthehouse,work,andapplytoothercolleges.Hemeetswithhistherapist,whoafterwardtellsmethathesupportstheplan.Indeed,Nicseemstofeelalittlebetter,andsothereisreasontobelievethatthingsareimproving.HeappliestoanumberofsmallliberalartsschoolsontheEastCoast.HisfirstchoiceisHampshireCollegeinwesternMassachusetts.Whenwetouredtheschool,hehadbeeninspiredbythevibrantatmosphereandbucolicsetting.HesatinonEnglishandpoliticalsciencecoursesandtouredthemusicanddramastudios.I,too,feltitwasacollegemadewithNicinmind.Apparentlyhistranscriptsarestillrelativelystrong,becauseafewmonthslaterhereceivesaletterofacceptancefromtheschool.Ibreatheeasier.Nicisontrackagainontheinevitable(inmyview)paththatwillleadbacktocollege.We'veenduredabadperiod,butNicwillmoveon.ButthoughhesometimesemergestoplaywithDaisyandJasper,ormaterializesforameal,whenhe'snotworking,Nicspendsmostofhistimeathomeinhisroom.

Onenightwhenheisatwork,Ifallasleepearly,butwakewithastartaftermidnight.Isensethatsomethingiswrong.Maybeit'saparent'ssixthsense.Maybesomepartofmehasdetectedtheearlywarningsignsofimminenttrouble.WhenIgetoutofbed,itmakesthesoftestrustlingsound,enoughtowakeKaren.

"Iseverythingallright?"

"Everythingisfine,"Iwhisper."Gobacktosleep."

Theflooriscoldandtheroomiscold,butIdon'tstopforslippersorarobebecauseIdon'twanttomakemorenoise.Thehallwayis

unlit,butmoonlightthroughthelivingroomskylightcastsamaroonradiance.IturnonakitchenlightandgotoNic'sbedroom.Iknockonthedoor.There'snoanswer.Iopenitandpeerin.Theunmadebedisempty.

Iambecomingusedtoanoverwhelming,grindingmixtureofangerandworry,eachemotiondarkeninganddistortingtheother.Itisableakandhopelessfeeling.Imayknowitwell,butitisnoeasiertobear.

Nichasmissedhiscurfew.ThatisasfarasIwillallowmyworrytogo.IanticipatehisarrivalatanyminuteandrehearsewhatIwilldo.I'llconfronthim,thoughfacinghimisapainfulreminderofmyinabilitytoalterhisbehavior.

Itiptoeintothebedroomandtrytofallbacktosleep,butbythenit'sfutile.Ilieawake.Worryisbeginningtoconsumeme.

Weliveatthecrestofasmallhill,beforetheroadcontinuesup,sothatcarsdrivingonthestreetinfrontofourhouseslowalmosttoastopbeforegoingon.Onecarandthenanotherdrivesupandpauses.Eachtimemyheartstops.It'sNic.Butthentheenginepushesonupthehill.

Atthree,IgiveuppretendingthatIwillfallbacktosleep.Igetup.Karengetsuptoo."What'sthematter?"ItellherthatNichasn'tcomehome.Wegointothekitchen.

"He'sprobablywithfriendsanditwastoolatetocomehome,sohesleptover,"Karensays.

"Hewouldhavecalled."

"Maybehedidn'twanttowakeus."

Ilookoveratherandseethedespondenceandworryinhereyes.Shedoesn'tbelieveiteither.Theminutesclickby.Wedrinkteaandfret.

AtaroundsevenIstartcallinghisfriends,wakingsomeofthem,butnoonehasseenhim.Icallhistherapist,whoevennowreassuresme—maybethat'showheseeshisjob,tocomfortme—that"Nicisworkingthingsout,he'llbeallright."Mypanicmounts.Everytimethephonerings,mystomachconstricts.Wherecanhebe?Icannotimagine,ormoreaccurately,Ichoosenotto.Ipushawaythegrisliestthoughts.FinallyIcallthepoliceandhospitalemergencyrooms,askingifheisinjailoriftherehasbeenanaccident.EachtimeIcall,Ibracemyselffortheunthinkable.Irehearsetheconversation—thestolid,disembodiedvoice,andthewords"Heisdead."Irehearseittopreparemyself.Igotowardthethought,pacearoundit.Heisdead.

Waitingisghastly,butIcandonothingelse.

Later,Jasper,barefootandinhispajamas,padsintothekitchen,lookingatuswithhiscleareyes.HeclimbsontoKaren'slapandchewsonapieceoftoast.NextDaisy,yawning,marchesin,herhairwild.

WesaynothingaboutNic.Wedon'twanttoworrythem.Wehavetotellthemsoon,though.Theysensesomethingiswrong.TheyknowthatNicisn'taround.

FinallyJasperasks,"WhereisNic?"

IanswerwithmoreemotionthanIintendtobetray:"Wedon'tknow."

Jasperbeginstocry."IsNickyallright?"

"Wedon'tknow,"Isayshakily."Wehopeso."

Thishorrorlastsfourdays.

***

Thenonenighthecalls.

Hisvoicetrembles,butstillitbringsawaveofrelief.

"Dad..."

"Nic."

Hisvoicecomesasiffromdownadimtunnel.

"I."Weakly."Iblewit."Agutturalsigh."I'mintrouble."

"Whereareyou?"

HetellsmeandIhangup.

IdrivetomeethiminanalleywaybehindabookstoreinSanRafael.Istopthecarandgetoutneararowoftrashcansandbinsstrewnwithemptybottles,brokenglass,torncardboard,andgrimyblankets.

"Dad..."

Themuffled,scratchyvoicecomesfrombehindoneofthebins.Iwalktowardit,pushingasidediscardedboxes,turnthecorner,andseeNicshakilywalkingtowardme.

Myson,thesvelteandmuscularswimmer,water-poloplayer,andsurferwithanebullientsmile,isbruised,sallow,skinandbone,andhiseyesarevacantblackholes.WhenIreachhimhegoeslimpinmyarms.Ihalfcarryhim,hisfeetshufflingbeneathhim.

Inthecar,beforehepassesout,Itellhimthatheneedstogotorehab.

"That'sit,"Isay."There'snochoicenow."

"Iknow,Dad."'

Isilentlydrivehome.Nicbrieflyawakensandmuttersinabarrenmonotoneaboutowingpeoplemoney,thathehastopaysomeonebackorhewillbekilled,thenhelosesconsciousnessagain.Occasionallyheawakensandmumbles,buthiswordsareincomprehensible.

Ill,frail,andoccasionallystillrambling,hespendsthenextthreedaysshiveringasiffeverish,curledupinbed,whimperingandcrying.

ThoughI'mterrified,Iamalsoencouragedhesaidhe'dgotorehab.Icalltheagencythatwevisitedwhenhewasahighschoolfreshmanandmakeanappointment.Butonthemorningoftheappointment,whenIremindhimwearegoing,helooksatme,revolted.

"Nofuckingway."

"Nic,youhavetogo.Youtoldmeyouwould."

"Idon'tneedrehab."

"Youpromised.Younearlydied."

"Imessedup.That'sall.Don'tworry.Ilearnedmylesson."

"Nic,no."

"Listen,Iwillbefine.I'llneverdothatshitagain.Ilearnedhowdangerousmethis.It'sfuckedup.I'mnotstupid.I'llnevermesswithitagain."

Istop.DidIhearcorrectly?"Crystalmeth?"

Henods.

Itsinksin.Godno.IamhorrifiedthatNichasusedmeth.Ihadmyownexperiencewiththatdrug,too.

PARTIIHisdrugofchoice

OGod,thatmenshouldputanenemyintheirmouthstostealawaytheirbrains!Thatweshould,withjoy,pleasance,revel,andapplause,transformourselvesintobeasts.

—WILLIAMSHAKESPEARE,TheTempest

9MyfirstsummerinBerkeley,CharlesmovedupfromTucson,enrollinginsummerschool,andwerentedanapartmenttogether.Oneevening,hearrivedhome,yankedthethrift-shopmirrorfromthewall,andsetitonacoffeetable.Heunfoldedanorigamipacket,pouredoutitscontentsontothemirror:amoundofcrystallinepowder.Fromhiswalletheproducedasingle-edgerazor,withwhichhechippedatthecrystals,thesteeltappingrhythmicallyontheglass.Whilearrangingthepowderinfourparallelrails,heexplainedthatMichael—MichaeltheMechanic,adrugdealer—hadrunoutofcocaine.Initsplace,Charleshadpurchasedcrystalmeth.

Isnortedthelinesthrougharolled-updollarbill.Thechemicalburnedmynasalpassagesandmyeyeswatered.Whetherthedrugissniffed,smoked,orinjected,thebodyquicklyabsorbsmeth.Onceitreachesthebloodstream,it'sanear-instantflumeridetothecentralnervoussystem.Whenitreachedmine,IheardcacophonousmusiclikeacalliopeandfeltasifRomancandleshadbeenlitinsidemyskull.Methtriggerstentotwentytimesthenormallevelofthebrain'sneurotransmitters,primarilydopamine,butalsoserotoninandnorepinephrine,whichspraylikebulletsfromagangster'sgun.Ifeltfantastic—supremelyconfident,euphoric.

Aftermethactivatesthereleaseofneurotransmitters,itblockstheirreuptakebackintotheirstoragepouches,muchascocaineandotherstimulantsdo.Unlikecocaine,however,whichisalmostcompletelymetabolizedinthebody(andhasahalf-lifeofforty-fiveminutes),methremainsrelativelyunchangedandactivefortentotwelvehours.Whenthedawnbegantoseepthroughthecrackedwindowblinds,Ifeltbleak,depleted,andagitated.Iwenttobedandsleptforafullday,blowingoffschool.

Inevertouchedmethagain,butCharlesreturnedoverandovertoMichaeltheMechanic's.Hismethrunlastedfortwoweeks.

Charlescouldbethoughtfulandbeguilingandseductivelyentertaining,butonmethhecould,attwoorthreeinthemorning,becomewretchedandmean.Afterward,whetherhehadturnedonastrangerorafriend,heapologizedprofuselyandconvincingly,andmostpeopleforgavehim.Fortoolong,Idid,buthemovedfromBerkeleybacktoTucsonandwedriftedapart.EventuallyIlosttouchwithhim.Ilaterlearnedthataftercollege,hislifewasdefinedbyhisabuseofmeth,cocaine,andotherdrugs.Therewerevoluntaryandcourt-orderedrehabs,carcrashes,ahousethatwentupinflamesafterhefellasleepwithaburningcigaretteinhismouth,ambulanceridestoemergencyroomsafteroverdosesandaccidents,andincarcerations,bothinhospitalsandjails.

ThenCharlesdiedontheeveofhisfortiethbirthday.

Alcoholandheroinaremetabolizedbytheliver,methbythekidneys.Atfortyyearsold,Charles'sfinallysuccumbed.

MaythegoodLordshinealightonyou,Charles.Warm,liketheeveningsun.

WhenIheartheStones,Ithinkofhim.

AndwhenIhearaboutmeth.SoIamsickenedthatNicsayshehasusedit.

IntegraltomywritingistheresearchIcompulsivelyundertake.NowthatIknowthatNicisusingmeth,ItrytolearnwhatIcanaboutthedrug.It'smorethananattempttounderstandit.Isensethatthereispowerintheknowledgeofanadversary.ThemoreIlearn,however,themorediscouragedIam.Methappearstobethemostmaleficdrugofthemall.

TheGermanchemistwhofirstsynthesizedamphetamine,theforebearofmethamphetamine,wrotein1887,"Ihavediscoveredamiraculousdrug.Itinspirestheimaginationandgivestheuserenergy."Amphetaminestimulatesthepartofthenervoussystemthatcontrolsinvoluntaryactivity—theactionoftheheartandglands,breathing,digestiveprocesses,andreflexactions.Oneeffectisthedilationofthebronchialpassages,whichled,in1932,toitsinitialmedicaluse—asanasalsprayforthetreatmentofasthma.Laterstudiesshowedthatthedrugwasalsohelpfulintreatingnarcolepsy,calminghyperactivechildren,andsuppressingtheappetite.Inaddition,itenabledindividualstostayawakeforextendedperiodsoftime.

Byexperimentingwithasimplechangetothemolecularstructureofamphetamine,aJapanesepharmacologistfirstsynthesizedmethamphetaminein1919.Itwasmorepotentthanamphetamineandeasiertomake,plusthecrystallinepowderwassolubleinwater,soitwaspossibletoinjectit.Methedrine,producedinthe1930s,wasthefirstcommerciallyavailablemethamphetamine.Inaninhaler,itwasmarketedasabronchodilator;inpillform,asanappetitesuppressantandstimulant.Anadread,"Neveragainfeeldrearyorsuffertheblues."

MethwaswidelyusedinWorldWarIIbytheJapanese,German,

andU.S.militarytoincreasetheirtroops'enduranceandperformance.Beginningin1941,relativelymildformulationsofmethamphetamineweresoldoverthecounterasPhiloponandSedrin.Atypicaladvertisingslogan:"Fightsleepinessandenhancevitality."By1948,thesedrugswereusedinJapanbyabout5percentofthecountry'ssixteen-totwenty-five-year-olds.Aboutfifty-fivethousandpeoplehadsymptomsofwhatdoctorsfirsttermedmeth-inducedpsychosis.Theyrantedandraved.Theyhallucinated.Somebecameviolent.Mothersignoredor,insomecases,abusedtheirbabies.

In1951,theU.S.FoodandDrugAdministrationclassifiedmeth-amphetamineasacontrolledsubstance.Aprescriptionwasrequired.AccordingtoareportpublishedthatyearinPharmacologyandTherapeutics,methamphetaminewaseffectivefor"narcolepsy,post-encephaliticparkinsonism,alcoholism,certaindepressivestates,andobesity."

Theillegalspeedcraze,includingthefirstcrank,amethderivativethatisapaleyellowpowderthatissnorted,andcrystalmeth,apurerform,thefirsttobeinjected(itissnorted,too),hitintheearly1960s.IllicitmethlabsemergedinSanFranciscoin1962,andspeedinundatedtheHaightAshbury,presagingthefirstnationalepidemicinthemiddletolate1960s.WhenmyresearchtakesmetotheSanFranciscoofficeofDavidSmith,thedoctorwhofoundedtheHaightAshburyFreeClinic,herecallsthedrug'sarrivaltotheneighborhood:"Beforemeth,wesawsomebadacidtrips,butthebadtripperwasfairlymellow,whereasmethdevastatedtheneighborhood,sentkidstotheemergencyroom,sometothemorgue.Methendedthesummeroflove."

Priortofoundingtheclinic,SmithhadbeenastudentupthehillfromtheHaightattheUniversityofCaliforniaMedicalSchool.Whenthehospitalemergencyroombegantoseeoverdosesofthisnewdrug,

hestartedthefirstclinicalresearchonitseffects.Headministeredsmalldosestorats,andeveryoneofthemdiedofmassiveseizures.Ratscagedtogetherdiedwhengivenevensmallerdosesofmeth—theeffectwasquicker,andthecauseofdeathchanged.Theratshadinterpretednormalgroomingbehaviorasanattack,and,asSmithrecalls,"theytoreeachotherapart."

In1967,SmithcamedownfromParnassusHilltoworkinthecommunity.(HewentontobecomethepresidentoftheAmericanSocietyofAddictionMedicineandisnowtheexecutivemedicaldirectorofarehabfacilityinSantaMonica.)WhenhearrivedintheHaight,hesays,"Ifoundabigratcage—peopleshootingspeed,upallnight,paranoid,totalinsanity,violent,dangerous."Smithissuedtheoriginal"speedkills"warningin1968atatimeofmeth"shoot-offs"attheCrystalPalace,abar.Acircleofuserspassedaroundaneedle."I'dgetcallsatseveninthemorning,whentheguywhowasthefastestdrawwastotallypsychotic,"Smithremembers.ThesharedneedlesledtoahepatitisCepidemic."WhenIwarnedthemethaddictsabouthep,theysaid,'Don'tworry.That'swhyweputtheyellowguylast.'"

UseofmethamphetamineinAmericawaned,waxed,andwanedagainsincethedaysofthedrug'sinitialheyday.Nowmanyexpertssaythatit'smorepotentandpervasivethanever.Whereasafewyearsagoitwasconcentratedinwesterncities,methhasnowcreptacrossthecountry,inundatingtheMidwest,theSouth,andtheEastCoast.Methuseisanepidemicinmanystates,buttheenormityoftheproblemhasonlyrecentlybeenacknowledgedinWashington,partlybecauseofthelagbetweenthetimeittookforthenewestwaveofaddictstofillupthenation'shospitals,rehabfacilities,andjails.FormerDrugEnforcementAdministrationchiefAsaHutchinsoncalledmethamphetamine"thenumber-onedrugprobleminAmerica."Itisoverwhelminglawenforcement,policymakers,andhealth-care

systems.

Asrecentlyasearly2006,theBushadministrationprovokedapoliticalfurorwhenofficialsattheOfficeofNationalDrugControlPolicydownplayedtheresultsofaNationalAssociationofCountiessurveyinwhichfivehundredlocallawenforcementofficialsnationwidecalledmeththeirnumber-oneproblem.(Cocainewasadistantsecond,andmarijuanathird.)Laterin2006,theNationalDrugIntelligenceCenterpublishedresultsfromalarger,randomsampleofthirty-fourhundreddrugenforcementagenciesnationwide.Forthefirsttimesincetheorganizationbeganconductingthesurvey,aplurality(40percent)consideredmeththeirmostsignificantdrugproblem.

Methusersincludemenandwomenofeveryclass,race,andbackground.Thoughthecurrentepidemichasitsrootsinmotorcyclegangsandlower-classruralandsuburbanneighborhoods,meth,asNewsweekreportedina2005coverstory,has"marchedacrossthecountryandupthesocioeconomicladder."Now,"themostlikelypeopleandthemostunlikelypeopletakemethamphetamine,"accordingtoFrankVocci,directoroftheDivisionofPharmacotherapiesandMedicalConsequencesofDrugAbuseattheNationalInstituteonDrugAbuse(NIDA).

Internationally,theWorldHealthOrganizationestimatesthirty-fivemillionmethamphetamineuserscomparedtofifteenmillionforcocaineandsevenmillionforheroin.Thevariousformsofthedruggobymanynames,includingcrank,tweak,crystal,lith,Tina,gak,L.A.,P.,andspeed.Aparticularlydevastatingform,ice,whichissmokedlikefreebasecocaine,hadrarelybeenseeninU.S.citiesotherthanHonolulu,butitisnowturninguponthemainland.Anothervariety,calledyaba—"crazymedicine"inThai—ismanufacturedbythehundredsofmillionsoftabletsinMyanmar,smuggledinto

Thailand,and,fromthere,totheWestCoastoftheUnitedStates,whereitissoldinclubsandonstreetcorners,sometimesinsweet,colorfulpillsthatareingestedorgroundupandsmoked.

Themostubiquitousformonthemainlandiscrystal,whichisoftenmanufacturedwithsuchingredientsasdecongestantsandbrakecleanerinwhattheDEAhascalled"BeavisandButt-head"labsinhomesandgarages.Mobile,or"box,"labsincampersandvans,andlabsinmotels,havebeendiscoveredineverystate.In2006,BillMaherquipped,"IfAmericansgetanydumberaboutscience,theywon'tevenbeabletomaketheirowncrystalmeth."Fornow,however,allittakesisavisittotheInternetwhere,forthirtydollarsplusshipping,Ipurchasedathickhow-tobookcalledSecretsofMethamphetamineManufacture.Therevisedandexpandedsixtheditionof"theclassictextonclandestinechemistry"hasadisclaimeronthetitlepage:"soldforinformationalpurposesonly."Thisinformationincludesstep-by-stepinstructionsonmanufacturingavarietyofformsandquantitiesofmeth,plusadviceaboutevadinglawenforcement.

Homemethbrewersgetthedrug'skeyingredient—pseudoephedrine—fromnonprescriptioncoldpills,promptingmanystatestoinitiaterestrictions,includinglimitsonthenumberofpackagesofContac,Sudafed,andDrixoralthatcanbepurchasedatatime.Asaresult,themakersofthesedrugsarereportedlyworkingtochangetheformulassothattheycannolongerbeusedtomakemeth.Inthemeantime,Wal-Mart,Target,andotherstoreshavemovedthembehindthecounter.

Controllingthesupplyofcoldpillsandothersourcesofephedrineandpseudoephedrinehashadaneffectonthedomesticsupplyofmeth,andmanySTLs—smalltoxiclabs—haveshutdown.ButthedomesticsuccesseshavehandedanewbusinessovertoMexicanand

otherinternationaldrugcartels,whichnowsmuggleinmethalongtheroutesusedforcocaine,heroin,marijuana,andotherdrugs.Whilethedrugisstilloftenmadeingarages,basements,andkitchenlaboratories,themajoritycomesfromsuperlabsoperatedbythesecartels.TheOregonianpublishedanexposébyreporterSteveSuothatrevealsthatthegovernmentcouldhavecontained(andcouldstillcontain)themethepidemic.Onlyninefactoriesmanufacturethebulkoftheworld'ssupplyofephedrineandpseudoephedrine,butpharmaceuticalcompanies—andlegislatorsinfluencedbythem—havestoppedeverymovethatwouldhaveeffectivelycontrolledthedistributionofthechemicalssotheycouldnotbedivertedtomethsuperlabs.Suo'sreportsuggeststhatuntilthegovernmenttakesonthepharmaceuticalcompanies,thewaronthisdrugwillremainsomethingofajoke.Theproof?Userswhowantmethcanfinditvirtuallyanywhere.

ThegovernmentmaintainsthatoveralldruguseisdownintheUnitedStates,butitdependswhereyoulook.Inmanycommunities,therearemoreaddictsandalcoholicsthanever.AccordingtotheLosAngelesTimes,inCalifornia,overdosesandotherdrug-relateddeathsmaysoonsurpassautomobileaccidentsasthestate'sleadingcauseofnon-naturaldeath.Numerousbarometersindicateasharpriseinmethabuse.Inmanycities,methisbehindincreasingnumbersofaddictsenteringtreatment,showingupatemergencyrooms,andcommittingcrimes.From1993to2005,thenumberofadmissionstorehabfortreatmentofmethaddictionmorethanquintupled,fromtwenty-eightthousandayeartoaboutonehundredandfiftythousand,accordingtoJamesColliver,Ph.D.,oftheNationalInstituteonDrugAbuse.Inits2006report,theSubstanceAbuseandMentalHealthServicesAdministrationreporteda"surging"oftreatmentadmissionsformethabuse.Crimerisesdramaticallyincommunitiesinundatedwithmeth.Eightyto100percentofcrimeinsomecitiesismeth-related.Insome

states,lawenforcementofficialshaveattributedincreasedmurderratestothedrug.Incitieswheremethisthepredominantdrugproblem,therearehighincidencesofspousalandchildabuse—indeed,tragicstoriesofchildabusearecommon.

Asmanyashalfofallmethusers,andalargerpercentageoficeusers,tweak.Thatis,atsomepointtheyexperiencethetypeofmethpsychosisfirstidentifiedinJapaninthelate1940s.Itischaracterizedbyauditoryandvisualhallucinations,intenseparanoia,delusions,andavarietyofothersymptoms,someofwhichareindistinguishablefromschizophrenia.Thehyperanxiousstateoftweakingcanleadtoaggressionandviolence,hencethefollowing,fromareportforpoliceonhowtoapproachmethaddicts:"Themostdangerousstageofmethabuseforabusers,medicalpersonnel,andlawenforcementofficersiscalled'tweaking.'Atweakerisanabuserwhoprobablyhasnotsleptin3-15daysandisirritableandparanoid.Tweakersoftenbehaveorreactviolently....Detainingatweakeraloneisnotrecommendedandlawenforcementofficersshouldcallforbackup."

ThereportincludesSixSafetyTipsforApproachingaTweaker,including:"Keepa7-10ft.distance.Comingtooclosecanbeperceivedasthreatening.Donotshinebrightlightsathim.Thetweakerisalreadyparanoidandifblindedbyabrightlightheislikelytorunorbecomeviolent.Slowyourspeechandlowerthepitchofyourvoice.Atweakeralreadyhearssoundsatafastpaceandinahighpitch.Slowyourmovements.Thiswilldecreasetheoddsthatthetweakerwillmisinterpretyourphysicalactions.Keepyourhandsvisible.Ifyouplaceyourhandswherethetweakercannotseethem,hemightfeelthreatenedandcouldbecomeviolent.Keepthetweakertalking.Atweakerwhofallssilentcanbeextremelydangerous.Silenceoftenmeansthathisparanoidthoughtshavetakenoverreality,andanyonepresentcanbecomepartofthetweaker'sparanoiddelusions."

Tweakingornot,methaddictsaremorelikelythanotherdrugusers(withthepossibleexceptionofcrackaddicts)toengageinantisocialbehavior.Asuccessfulbusinessmantookthedrugtoworklongerhours,becameaddicted,andmurderedamanwhoowedhimdrugsandmoney.Anaddictshothiswife,anotherfatallybludgeonedhisvictim,andanothermurderedacoupleforacarandseventydollars.Acouple,bothmethabusers,beat,starved,andthenscaldedtheirfour-year-oldniece,whodiedinabathtub.APontoonBeach,Illinois,manwasundertheinfluenceofmethwhenhemurderedhiswifeandthenkilledhimself.InPortland,awomanonmethwasarrestedforkillinghereighteen-month-oldchild,stranglingherwithascarf.InTexas,amanhighonmeth,afterarguingwithafriend,trackedhimdownandmurderedhim—shootinghimsixtimesinthehead.InVenturaCounty,California,amanundertheinfluenceofmethrapedandstrangledawoman.AlsoinCalifornia,ameth-addictedmotherwasconvictedofkeepinghertwoyoungchildrenlockedinacold,cockroach-infestedconvertedgarage.AnOmahamanwasrecentlysentencedtofortyyearsformurderinghisgirlfriend'schildaftershootingmeth.Thechildhadbeensmotheredandhadnumerousbrokenbones.TherehavebeentrialsinPhoenix,Denver,Chicago,andRiversideCounty,California,ofmothersaccusedofmurderingtheirbabiesbecausetheynursedthemwhiletheywereonmeth.ThemotherinRiverside,duringhertrial,said,"Iwokeupwithacorpse."

Inadditiontocrime,methamphetaminecausessignificantenvironmentaldamageintheplaceswhereitismade.Themanufactureofonepoundofmethamphetaminecreatessixpoundsofcorrosiveliquids,acidvapors,heavymetals,solvents,andother

harmfulmaterials.Whenthesechemicalsmakecontactwiththeskinorareinhaled,theycancauseillness,disfigurement,ordeath.Laboperatorsalmostalwaysdumpthewaste.TheimplicationsfortheCentralValleyinCalifornia,asourceofalargepercentageofAmerica'sfruitsandvegetables—andmuchofitsmeth—aresignificant.Intheearly2000s,hospitalsinthevalleyweretreatingmanychildren,oftenofundocumentedimmigrants,forconditionsrelatedtothechemicalby-productsofmethproduction.AsanFBIagenttheretoldme,"MillionsofpoundsoftoxicchemicalsaregoingintothefruitbasketoftheUnitedStates.Thechemicalsareturningupinalarminglevelsinground-watersamples."

Thehealtheffectsofusingmetharedisastrous.Thedruglandsmorepeopleinemergencyroomsthananyotherclubdrug,includingecstasy,ketamine,andGHBcombined.(AndinalaboratorytestconductedattheUniversityofCaliforniaatLosAngeles,eightoutoftentabletssoldasecstasyatclubsinthatcitycontainedmeth.)Thosewhodon'toverdoseonthedrugmaystilldiefromit.Methcausesorcontributestofatalaccidentsandsuicides.Afterconductingasurveyofsuicidaltendenciesindrugusers,psychiatristTomNewton,aresearcheratUCLA,concludedthat"meth-amphetamineisauniquelypotentdrugforinducingdepressionsoseverethatpeoplefeellikecommittingsuicide."

Manyotherhealthrisksarerelatedtochronicmethabuse.AdoctorwhoworksataSanFranciscoemergencyroomtoldmeaboutthestreamofmethaddictswhocomeinwith"blown-out"—literallyruptured—aortas.Addictsmaycoughupchunksoftheliningoftheirlungs.Manymethaddictslosetheirteeth.ChronicmethusecancauseParkinson's-likecognitivedysfunction,includingdeterioratingmemoryandmentalacuityandphysicalimpairment,includingparalysis—resultsofmeth-inducedstrokes.Onetimeuseofthedrugcanbefatal.Itcancausethebodytemperaturetosharplyrise,leading

tolethalconvulsions,deathfromhyperthermia,"arrhythmicsuddendeath"—theheartnolongerhasafunctionalbeat—orfatalaneurysms.Seriousorfatalconditionsmaybemorelikelytooccurbecauseoftheextendedperiodsofactivitythatmanyusersengagein.Methusersmaynotsleeporeatfordays.Thecombinationofthedrugandfatiguehasbeenshowntocontributetoparanoiaandaggression.Thecycletendstocompoundphysical,psychological,andsocialproblems;andtheseallmaybefurthercompoundedbyexistingmentalhealthissues,whicharecommonamongusers.

Nichasusedmeth.Inspiteofhisprotestsandpromises,Iincreasemypleasforhimtogointorehab,buthewillnotyield.Ilearnthatnowthatheisovereighteen,Icannotcommithim.Ifhewereathreattohimselforsomeoneelse,there'sacomplicatedprocessbywhichIcouldcommithimforabriefevaluationatamentalhospital,butaparentconcernedaboutachild'sdrugusedoesn'tqualify.HadIseenthiscoming,IwouldhaveforcedNicintorehabwhenIstillcouldhavemadethedecisionforhim.Thereisnowaytoknowifitwouldhavehelped—hemaynothavebeenreadytohearthemessageofrehab—butatleastitmayhaveslowedhimdown.Nowhehastogoinonhisown.

Hesleepsforasmuchastwentyhoursadayforthenextthreedays.Afterthat,heisdepressedandwithdrawn.Then,withoutwarning,onacoldspringafternoon,hedisappearsagain.

10WithNicgone,andouroldcarwithhim,Ionceagaincallhospitalemergencyrooms.Ionceagaincallthepolicetoseeifhehasbeenarrested.WhenIexplainthatmysonismissing,apolicedispatcher,beforepassingalongthephonenumberforthejail,tellsmethatifNicshowsupIshouldsendhimtoabootcampwherechildren,rousedandshackledinthemiddleofthenight,aretakenbyforce.Ihavebeenreadingaboutoneofthese—abootcampinArizonanearmyparents'.Aboydiedthereoverthesummer.Atthebootcamp,childrenwerebeaten,kicked,starved,chained,anddeprivedofwaterinthe114-degreedesert.

ItalktootherparentswhohavegonethroughversionsofthisandIambombardedbytheiradvice,too,muchofitfamiliarandmuchofitfamiliarlycontradictory.Onceagain,onesaysthatifNicshowsup,Ishouldkickhimout.ItmakesnosensetomebecauseIknowwherehewouldgo,tohisunsupervisedfriends'homesorperhapstothesqualidandtreacherouslairsofhisdrugdealers.Thatwouldbethat.Allhopeforhimwouldbelost.Onemotherrecommendsalockupschoolwhereshesentherdaughterfortwoyears.

Nichasbeengoneforsixdays,andmydesperationhasbuilttoafrenzy.Ihaveneverexperiencedgrieflikethis.IspendfrantichoursontheInternetreadingharrowingstoriesofchildrenondrugs.Icallparentswhoknowparentswhoknowparentswhohavebeenthroughthis.ItryandtrytounderstandwhatdrugsmeantoNic.Heoncetoldme,"EverywriterandartistIlovewasadrunkoranaddict."IknowthatNicusesdrugsbecausehefeelsclevererandlessintrovertedandinsecure,andhealsocarriesthedangerous—andfallacious—ideathatdebaucheryleadstothegreatestart,whetherbyHemingway,Hendrix,orBasquiat.

Inhissuicidenote,KurtCobainwrote,"It'sbettertoburnoutthantofadeaway."HewasquotingaNeilYoungsongaboutJohnnyRottenoftheSexPistols.WhenIwastwenty-four,IinterviewedJohnLennon.Iaskedhimaboutthissentiment,onethatpervadesrockandroll.Hetookstrong,outragedexceptiontoit."It'sbettertofadeawaylikeanoldsoldierthantoburnout,"hesaid."Iworshipthepeoplewhosurvive.I'lltakethelivingandthehealthy."

Thelivingandthehealthy.

Idonotknowifmysoncanbeoneofthem.

SomehowIneverfallapartaroundJasperandDaisy.Idonotallowmyselfto;Idon'twanttoworrythemanymorethantheyalreadyare.Tothekids,KarenandIacknowledgethatwe'reconcernedaboutNicand,indoingso,tryforadelicatebalance.Wedon'twanttoscarethem,andyetwedon'twanttopretendthateverythingisfinewhentheyknow—howcantheynot?—thatitisn't.I'mconvincedthatfailingtoacknowledgethiscrisiswillbemoreconfusingandmoredamagingthanthetruth.

WhenIamalone,however,IweepinawaythatIhavenotweptsinceIwasayoungboy.Nicusedtoteasemeaboutmyinabilitytocry.Ontherareoccasionswhenmyeyeswelledup,hejokedaboutmy"constipatedtears."Nowtearscomeatunexpectedmomentsfornoobviousreason,andtheypourforthwithferocity.Theyscarethehelloutofme.Itscaresthehelloutofmetobesolostandhelplessandoutofcontrolandafraid.

IcallVicki.Ouracrimonysincethedivorcehasbeenpushedaside

byoursharedworryaboutNic.ItiswithreliefthatIcometoseehernotforwhatseparatedusbutforwhatunitesus.WebothloveNicinawaythatonlyparentslovetheirchildren.It'snotthatKarenandNic'sstepfatheraren'tworriedaboutNic,butinlongtelephoneconversationsthatnooneelsecanbepartof,hismotherandIshareaparticularqualityofworry—acuteandvisceral.

Meanwhile,KarenandIgobackandforthswitchingroles.WhenIcollapse,shereassuresme.

"Nicwillbeallright."

"Howdoyouknow?"

"Ijustknow.He'sasmartboy.Hehasagoodheart."

ThenKarenwillloseit,andIconsoleher.

"It'sallright,"Isay."He'sjustmixedup.We'llfigurethisout.He'llcomeback."

Andhedoes.

Onastill,cold,andgrayafternoon,aweeklater,heshowsupatthehouse.LikethetimeIwenttofindhiminthealleywayinSanRafael,heisfrail,ill,andrambling—abarelyrecognizablephantom.

Ijuststareathimstandingthereinthedoorway.

"Oh,Nic,"Isay.Igazeathimandthenleadhimbythearmtohisroom,where,stilldressed,heliesonhisbed,wrappinghimselfupin

acomforter.Iamgladthatnooneelseishomesothat,forthemoment,Idon'thavetoexplain.

Istareathim.

Ifallthattherapydidn'thelp,thenwhat?Rehab.Thereisnothingelse."Nic,youhavetogointorehab.Youhaveto."Hemumblesandfallsasleep.

IknowthatImustdoeverythingpossibletogethimintoadrugrehabprogram.Icallcounselorsandotherspecialistsforrecommendations.Nic'stherapistnowagreesthatrehabisessential,andcontactssomeofhiscolleagueswhospecializeindrugandalcoholaddiction.Myfriendscalltheirfriendswhohavebeenthroughthis.

Nicsleeps.

Icalltherecommendedfacilitiesinourarea,inquiringabouttheirsuccessratesfortreatingmethusers.Theseconversationsprovidemyinitialglimpseofwhatmustbethemostchaotic,flailingfieldofhealthcareinAmerica.Iamquotedarangefrom25to85percent,butadrugandalcoholcounselorfamiliarwithmanyprogramssaysthatthefiguresareunreliable."Eventheconservativenumberssoundoverlyoptimistic,"hesays."Aboutseventeenpercentofpeoplewhogothroughtheseprogramsaresoberafterayear."AnadmittingnurseatanorthernCaliforniahospitalmaybethemostaccuratewhenshetellsmethenumberformethaddicts."Thetruenumberisinthesingledigits,"shesays."Anyonewhopromisesmoreislying."

ThemoreIlearnabouttherehabindustry,themoreitseemsin

disarray.Somehighlytouted,andexpensive,rehabprogramsareineffective.Manyrehabsemployone-size-fits-all-addictsprograms.Whetherprivateorpublic,someareonlyslightlybetterthanuselesswhenitcomestothetreatmentofmethaddicts,accordingtoRichardRawson,theassociatedirectoroftheIntegratedSubstanceAbuseProgramsatUCLA,whocallsthem"theEarlScheibsofrehab.Thepaintjobdoesn'tlast."

Dr.Rawsondoesn'tsuggestthatmanyprogramsdon'thaveusefulcomponents.TheytendtoberootedintheprinciplesofAlcoholicsAnonymous,whichseemtobeessentialtostayingsoberformost,ifnotall,alcoholicsandaddicts,nomatterthedrug.Butotherthanthat,theyofferaslipshodpatchworkofbehavioral,psychological,andcognitivetherapies.Manyprogramsincludelectures,individualcounselingsessions,choreswithharshconsequencesforshirking,andconfessionalandconfrontationalgrouptherapy,includingbadgeringpatientswhoresistthegospeloftreatment.(Accordingtothedrugandalcoholcounselorsintheseprograms,resistancemeansdenial,anddenialleadstorelapse.)Someprogramsofferlife-skillstraining,suchasrésuméwriting,exercise,groupandindividualsessionswithfamily,andconsultationswithaphysicianandpsychiatrists,whomayprescribemedication.Somefacilitiesoffermassageandnutritionconsultations.Someoutpatientprogramsaddarelativelynewtechniquecalledcontingencymanagement,asystemofrewardsforabstinence.However,withoutstandardsbasedonprovenprotocols,patientsareoftensubjectedtothephilosophiesofaprogram'sdirector,someofwhomhavenoqualificationsotherthantheirformeraddiction."Havingsixchildrendoesn'tmakeyouagoodob-gyn,"saysWalterLing,aneurologistandthedirectoroftheUCLAprogram.Evenrehabsrunbytraineddoctorsandcliniciansemployawiderangeoftreatments,manyunproven.Mostimportant:manyprogramsfailtotakeintoaccountthespecificconditionsof

methamphetamine,whichis,accordingtosomeexperts,thetoughestaddictiontotreat.ButwhatelsecanItry?

IchooseahighlyrecommendedplaceinOaklandcalledThunderRoadandmakeanappointment.IsteelmyselftodothehardestthingIcanimaginedoing,usingwhatisleftofmywaninginfluence—thethreatthatIwillkickhimoutandwithdrawallofmysupport—togethimtocomewithme.ThatImeanit—becauseIamconvincedthatthisisouronlyhope—doesnotmakeiteasier.

Thenextmorning,whenDaisyandJasperareatschool,IgointoNic'sroom,wherehestillsleepssoundly,hisfacerelaxedandpeaceful.Asleepingchild.Then,asIwatch,hetwitchesandgrimacesandgrindshisteeth.Irousehimandtellhimwhereweareheaded.

Herages."Nofuckingway!"

"Let'sgo,Nic,let'sgetitoverwith,"Iplead.

Hegetsup,pusheshishairbackwithatremblinghand.Heholdsontoadoorjambforsupport.

"Isaidnofuckingway."Heslurs,staggers.

"Thisisit,Nic,"Isayfirmly.Myvoicetrembles."We'regoing.It'snotachoice."

"Youcan'tmakeme.Whatthefuck?"

"Ifyouwanttolivehere,ifyouwantmetohelpyou,ifyouwantmetopayforyourcollege,ifyouwanttoseeus..."Ilookathimandsay,"Nic—doyouwanttodie?Isthatwhatthisisallabout?"

Hekicksthewall,smasheshisfistsonthetable,andweeps.

Isadlysay,"Let'sgo."

Heragessomemore,butfollowsmetothecar.

PARTIIIWhatever

You'resafe,IrememberedwhisperingtoQuintanawhenIfirstsawherintheICUatUCLA.I'mhere.You'regoingtobeallright.Halfofherskullhadbeenshavedforsurgery.Icouldseethelongcutandthemetalstaplesthathelditclosed.Shewasagainbreathingonlythroughanendotrachealtube.I'mhere.Everything'sfine...Iwouldtakecareofher.Itwouldbeallright.ItalsooccurredtomethatthiswasapromiseIcouldnotkeep.Icouldnotalwaystakecareofher.Icouldnotneverleaveher.Shewasnolongerachild.Shewasanadult.Thingshappenedinlifethatmotherscouldnotpreventorfix.

—JOANDIDION,TheYearofMagicalThinking

11IdrivetheoldVolvo,fadedblueandrustyfromthesaltairofthecoastanddentedfromNic'smisadventures.Itsmellsofhiscigarettes.Itisthecarhehadtaken.Nicflopslikearagdoll,pressedasclosetohisdoor,asfarawayfromme,aspossible.

Neitherofusspeaks.

Nic'selectricguitar,buttercupyellowwithablackpickguard,isinthebackseat.Anotherleftoverfromhisescapadesliesbesideit:anintricatelycarvedbongmadeofaglassbeakerandmeerschaumstem.More:aflashlight,acopyofRimbaudwitharippedcover,dirtyjeans,ahalf-emptybottleofGatorade,theBayGuardian,hisleatherbomberjacket,emptybeerbottles,cassettes,astalesandwich.

Hetriesafewtimestotalkmeoutofit.

"Thisisstupid,"heweaklybeseeches."IknowIfuckedup.Ilearnedmylesson."

Idon'tanswer.

"Ican'tdothis,"hesays."Iwon't."

Heturnslivid.Glaringatme,hesays,"I'lljustrunaway."Heissuperciliousandcondescending—almostsavage."Youfuckingthinkyouknowme?Youdon'tknowanythingaboutme.Youhavealwaystriedtocontrolme."

Hescreamsuntilheishoarse.

Inthemiddleofhisranting,whenInoticehisslurring,Irealize

thatheishigh.Again.Still.

"Whatareyouontoday,Nic?"There'sincomprehensioninmytone.

Anangrywhispercomesfromhim."Fuckyou."

Ilookoverathim,lookdeeplyintohisimpassiveface.Nichasmanyofhismother'shandsomefeatures.Likeher,heistallandthinandhasherfinenoseandlips.Hehadherfairhairbeforeitdarkenedashegrewup.Evenso,sometimesIhavelookedathisfaceanditwasasifIwerepeeringinamirror.ItwasnotonlythephysicalsimilaritiesthatIwouldsee.Isawmyselfhiddeninhiseyes,inhisexpressions.Itwouldstartleme.Maybeallchildrenastheygrowuptakeontheirparents'traitsandmannerismsandbecomemorelikethem.IseemyfatherinmenowinwaysthatIneverdidwhenIwasyoung.Inthecar,however,Iseeastranger.AndyetheisastrangerwhoseeverypartIknowintimately.Irecallhissofteyeswhentheywereelatedandwhentheyweredisappointed,hisfacewhenhewaspallidfromillnessandwhenhewasburnedredbythesun,hismouthandeveneachtoothfromvisitstodentistsandtheorthodontist,hiskneesfromwhenheskinnedthemandIputonBand-Aids,hisshouldersfromputtingonsunblock,hisfeetfromtakingoutsplinters—everypartofhim.Iknoweverypartfromwatchinghimandlivingwithhimandbeingclosetohim,andyetdrivingtoOaklandIlookathissullennessandangerandvacancy,hisretreatandhisturmoil,andIthink,Whoareyou?

IpullupinfrontoftheOaklandrehabandwewalkthroughglassdoorsintoanausterewaitingroom.AsIinformthereceptionistthat

wehaveanappointment,Nicstandsbehindme,belligerentonhisheelswithhisarmsfoldedacrosshischest.

Sheinstructsustowait.

Acounselor,withblackeyesandhairtiedbackinalongpony-tail,comesoutandintroducesherself,firsttoNicandthentome.Heacknowledgesherwithagrunt.Asinstructed,Nicfollowsherintoanotherroom.Hehunches.Hisfeetbarelymovehimforward.

IflipthroughanoldcopyofPeople,andthen,afternearlyanhour,thecounseloremergesandsaysthatshewantstospeaktomealone.Nic,palpablyseething,takesmyspotinthewaitingroom.Ifollowthewomanintoasmallofficewithametaldeskandtwochairsandamurkyfishtank.

"Yoursonisinserioustrouble,"shesays."Heneedstreatment.Heeasilycoulddiefromallthedrugshe'susing."

"Whatcan..."

"Ateighteen,heisusingandmixingmoredrugsthanmanypeoplewhoaremucholder.Hehasadangerousattitude—hedoesn'tunderstandthathe'sintrouble.He'sproudtobesohardcore,wearsitlikeabadge.Thisprogramisn'trightforhim.Heisborderingonbeingtoooldandisatthispointresistanttotreatment.Weseeitallthetime.He'sindenial.It'stypicalofaddicts,whomaintainandbelievethateverythingisallright,theycanstopwhentheywant,everyoneelsehasaproblembutnotthem,theyarefine,eveniftheywinduplosingeverything,eveniftheyareonthestreets,eveniftheywindupinjailorinthehospital."

"Thenwhat—?"

"Hehastogetintotreatmentnow,whateverittakes.Nothere,butsomewhere."

Sherecommendsotherprograms.Inhersombertoneandexpression,Icantellthatsheholdsoutnogreathope.

Drivinghome,thetensioninthecarbuildsandthenexplodes.Nicfinallyyells,"Thisisbullshit."IthinkhemightleapoutofthecarasIspeedalongthefreeway.

"Itisbullshit,"Ispitback."Ifyouwanttokillyourself,Ishouldjustletyoudoit."

"It'smylife,"hehoarselyscreams.Hecriesuncontrollably,hysterically.Hehitsthedashboardwithhisfistsandkicksitwithhisboots.

Wepullupinfrontofthehouse,butwithDaisyandJasperhomenow,Idon'tbringNicin.Isitwithhiminthecarforanotherhalf-houruntilhehasexhaustedhimself.Heisremote—somnolentfromdrugsandspentanger,hisbreathingslowed,andthen,finally,hefallsintoadeepsleep.Ileavehiminthecar,checkingonhimfrequently.Willyoucheckonmeeveryfifteenminutes?Inawhilehetrudgesinsideandheadsdirectlyforhisbedroom.JasperandDaisysilentlywatchastheirbrother'slistlessbodydriftsthroughthelivingroom.

Ihavetofindaprogramthatwilltakehimimmediately.BeforeIlosehim.

***

WithNicasleepinhisroom,Isitdownwiththekids.IexplainaswellasIcanthatNicisonceagainondrugsandill.IsaythatIam

tryingtofindahospitaloradrug-rehabilitationprogramthatcanhelphim.Isaythatkidswithabrotherorsisterorparentwithadrugproblemsometimesthinkit'stheirfault.

"It'snotyourfault.Ipromise."

Theystareatme,sadanduncomprehending.

"Nichasaseriousproblem,butwe'regoingtogethimthehelpheneeds.Withhelphecanbeallright."

Nicseethesandrailsinandoutofatormentedhalf-sleep,andIcallmorerehabprograms.One,OhlhoffRecoveryHouse,inSanFrancisco,hasanopenbed.Itisawell-respectedprogram,recommendedbymanyexpertsintheBayArea.Afriendofafriendtoldmethattheprogramturnedaroundthelifeofherheroin-addictedson."HelivesinFloridanow,"shesaid."Hehasafamilyofhisown.Hehasajobthathelovesand,ontheside,volunteerstohelpkidswithdrugproblems."

Parentsofaddictsliveforencouragingstorieslikethis.

WhenNicwakesup,ItellhimthatIhavefoundaprograminthecity,andhesomberlyagreestogoinforanotherevaluation.Hegrimlyfollowsmetothecar.

OhlhoffRecoveryislocatedinastatelybutancientVictorianmansionwiththreestories,acentralcupola,andahandsomewoodpaneledlobby,whereIwaitwhileNicgoesinforaninterview,thistimewiththedirectorofthetwenty-eight-dayprimaryprogram—primaryasinprimaryschool;it'stheinitialstepintorehabandrecovery.

Aftertheirsession,IamcalledintothestarkroomandIsitinthevacantchair.NicandIfacethedirector,whoisbehindawoodendesk.Fromhermannerandthelookofwearinessinhereyes,IcantellthatNichasbeenasbelligerentwithherashehadbeenwiththecounseloratThunderRoad,butsheseemslessperturbed.

Shebegins,"Nicdoesn'tacknowledgethatheisanaddict."

"BecauseI'mnot."

Undeterred,shecontinues,"Andsayshe'sonlycomingtotreatmentbecauseyou'reforcinghimto."

"Iknowthat,"Isay.

"Butthat'sallright.Manypeopledon'tcomeherebychoice.Theyhavejustasmuchofachanceofgettingandstayingsoberassomeonewhocrawlsinhere,beggingtobetreated."

Isay,"OK."

Nicglares.

"Wewillcheckhimininthemorningforourtwenty-eight-dayprogram."

Nichidesinhisroomthroughdinner.WetellDaisyandJasperthatNicisgoingintoatreatmentprograminthemorning,butthatheisscared.

IsitwiththemafterKarenreadstheirbedtimestory."I'msosorryyouhavetogothroughthiswithNic,"Isayforthenthtime.HowelsecanIhelpthem?"It'ssuchasadthingtohavethisprobleminourfamily.Ihopeyou'lltalkaboutitwithyourteachersandfriendsat

school,atleastifyouwantto.Ifyouhavequestionsorworries,youcanalwaysaskmeoryourmom."

Jaspersolemnlynods.Daisyisstill.ShestartsreadingaGarfieldpaperback,whichJaspersnatchesfromher.ShescratcheshimandJasperpushesher.Theybothwail.

Inthemorning,drivingtothecity,Nicisgloweringbutdrained,hardlysayingaword.Heisacondemnedprisoner,resignedandpetrified.Heholdsbacktears.

IparkinfrontoftheoldmansionandwalkwithNic,whocarriesaduffelbagofclothes.Hiddeninsidehistorndressshirtandbigjeans,hisheaddown,Nictrembles.Wewalkupthesteps,makingourwaythroughapackofcigarette-smokingaddicts—atleastIpresumetheyaretheprogram'sresidentaddicts—clusteredonthefrontstairs.Ishake,too.NoticingNic'ssuitcaseandhisapprehensive,furtiveglances,afewofthemenaddresshim:

"Hey."

"Yo."

"Welcometothenuthouse."

Nicmeetsbrieflywiththeprogramdirectorinthesamewood-paneledoffice,andheispresentedwithapieceofpaper:

"I,theundersigned,herebyrequestadmissiontotheAlcoholandChemicalRecoveryProgram,"etc.

Hesigns.

Inthehallway,thedirector,standingwithNicatherside,saystome,"Youmaysaygoodbyenow.Phonecallsareforbiddenforthefirstweek."

IturntoNic.

Wehugclumsily,andIleave.

Outside,Ifeelabarelyrememberedglimpseofexhilarationfromthechillintheair,butdrivinghome,IfeelasifImightcollapsefrommoreemotionthanIcanhandle.Incongruously,IfeelasifIhavebetrayedNic,abandonedhim,turnedhimin,thoughIdotakesomesmallconsolationinthefactthatIknowwhereheis.Forthefirsttimeinweeks,Isleepthroughthenight.

Thenextmorning,Ienterhisbedroomandraisehightheshadesandopenwidethewindowthatlooksoutontothegarden.Thegloomyredroomisstrewnwithbooks,half-paintedcanvases,grimyclothing,monsterspeakers,and,onthebed,theyellowguitar.Nic'sSharpiedrawingsofelongatedmenandwomen,theirbodiesgrotesquelycontorted,aretackedtothewalls.TheroomhasNic'ssmell—notthesweetchildhoodsmellheoncehad,butacloyingodorofincenseandmarijuana,cigarettesandaftershave,possiblyatraceofammoniaorformaldehyde,theresidualodorofburningmeth.Smellsliketeenspirit.

KarenwatchesasIsearchhisdresseranddeskdrawersandclosetandgatheruphishiddenarsenal—theglassbong,hand-blownmeth

pipe,cigarettepapers,brokenshardsofamirror,straight-edgerazors,drainedBiclighters,emptybottles—placingitallinablackplasticgarbagebag,whichIcarryoutsideandputinthetrashcan.

Overthenextfewdays,thebarrageofadvicefromfriendsandfriendsoffriendscontinues.AfriendofKaren's,whenhehearsthatNicisinrehab,asks,"Forhowlong?"

Karenexplainsthatitisafour-weekprogram.

Herfriendshakeshishead."It'snotenough."

"Whatdoyoumean?"

Hetellsthestoryofhissonwhohadbeenthroughtwofour-weekprogramsbeforetheysenthimtoonethatlastsayear.Heisstillinthecombinedrehabandhighschool.Heisseventeen,sotheywereabletosendhimbyforce.Karen'sfriendsays,"Evenwithayear,wedon'tknowifit'slongenough."

Anotherfriendtellsusthatrehabwasthewrongapproach,whatNicneededwasOutwardBound.Somepeoplebelieveintherapy,othersabhorit.MysenseisthatthepsychologistsandpsychiatristswhosawNicovertheyearsgavemeusefuladviceandsupport,andpossiblyhelpedhim,too,butinspiteoftheirimpeccablecredentialsandobviousdevotiontotheirwork,almosteveryprofessionalweconsultedwasinexperiencedwithdrugaddictionandfailedtodiagnoseit.Everyonehasanopinion;well-meaningadvicepoursinendlessly.KarenandIlistenintently.Thoughweignoremostofit,wearegratefulforpeople'sconcern.

AmotherofachildatJasperandDaisy'sschoolcallstorecommendalocalspecialistindrugaddiction,claimingthathe

helpedafriendmorethananyoftheotherexpertsshesaw.Forsomereason,weheedthisrecommendationandmakeanappointmenttoseehim.

Thetherapist'sofficeisupaflightofstairsaboveanart-supplystoreinSanAnselmo.Itismodest,sharedwithamarriagecounselor,lessformalthanthepsychologists'officeswehavecometoknow.Itseemsasifwehaveseeneverydrugandalcoholcounselor,psychologist,andpsychiatristintheSanFranciscoBayArea,whereoneoutofeverythreepeopleseemstobeatherapistofsomesort.Whatdoesthissayaboutus?ScottPecksaidthatthesickestandhealthiestpeopleareintherapy.Whicharewe?

Thedoctorhasacalmsmileonalinedface.Balding,hewearsanopen-collaredshirtunderawooljacket.Heseemssolid,gentle,andempathetic;fromhisappearanceandmannerandsoftvoiceandeyes,weunderstandthatheknowsourdespairbecausehehasexperiencedit.

WetellhimallaboutNic.Weexplainhe'sinrehabatOhlhoffRecovery.Wesaythatweareunsureifwehavedonetherightthing.WesaythatweworryaboutJasperandDaisy.Wesaythatwehavenoideawhattodowhentheprogramends.

Tooursurprise,hedoesn'thavemuchadviceforus,atleastnotabouthelpingNic,thoughheissupportiveofthedecisiontohavehiminrehab.Mostofhiscounselisforus.

"Takecareofyourselves,"hesays."Payattentiontoyourmarriage.Marriagescanbedestroyedwhenachildisadrugaddict."Hesaysthatwecan'tandshouldn'ttrytodecidewhattodowhentheprogramends—muchwillhappenintheinterim."Takeitonedayatatime."Theclichéworks,hesays.

Lateinthesession,heleansforwardandspeakswithcompellingpoignancy:"Goouttogetheronadate."

"Weare,"Karenrepliesdryly."Thisisit."

SheandIlookateachother,sharingtheirony.Itistruethatwehavenotbeenoutaloneinages.Traumatized,wehavewantedtostayclosetohome,andwehavefeltnervousaboutleavingthechildren.WefinallyleftthekidswithNancyandDonthisevening.

ThetherapistasksifwehavetriedAl-Anon.

Isayno."IthoughtAl-Anonwasfor..."Myvoicetrailsoff.

Heresponds,"Itmightbeworthatry."

Thetelephonemaybeforbidden,butonhisthirddayatOhlhoff,Nicmanagestocall,beggingtocomehome.WhenIrefuse,heslamsdownthereceiver.Worried,Icallthecounselorassignedtohim.ShereportsthatNicissurly,depressed,andconfrontational,threateningtorunaway."Buttheyalmostalwaysstartoutthisway,"shesays.

"Whatifherunsaway?"

"Wecan'tstophim.He'sanadult."

KarenandIhaveaseriesofsessionswiththedrugandalcoholcounselor.Heisagoodlistener,whichmaybewhatweneedmostrightnow,butit'snotonlythat.HehelpsusclarifywhatwecanandcannotdoforNic.Hesaysthatoneofthemostdifficultthingsabouthavingachildaddictedtodrugsisthatwecannotcontrolit.We

cannotsaveNic."Youcansupporthisrecovery,butyoucan'tdoitforhim,"hesays."Wetrytosavethem.Parentstry.It'swhatparentsdo."

HetellsusAl-Anon'sThreeCs:"Youdidn'tcauseit,youcan'tcontrolit,youcan'tcureit."

Eachtimeweleavehisoffice,heremindsus,"Beallies.Remember,takecareofyourselves.You'llbegoodfornoone—foreachother,foryourchildren—ifyoudon't."

***

NowthatNicissafe—forthemoment—Iamworkingmore.Oneofmyinterviewsubjectsisarecoveringdrugaddictaswellasaparentofone.ItellhimthatIhavejustgottenmysonintorehab.Hesays,"Godblessyou.Ihavebeenthere.Itishell.Buthe'sinGod'shands."Itstartlesme.ImentionthatourfamilyneverbelievedinGod."IwishIdid,"Isay."IwishIcouldputitinsomeoneelse'shands.Someonepowerfulandbenevolent.ButIdon'tbelieveit."

"YouwillbelieveinGodbeforethisisover,"hesays.

IcallNic'scounseloratOhlhoff.Icantellthatsheistryingtoputthebestfaceonthings,butsheseemsdiscouraged.Shesays:"Methamphetamineisparticularlytricky.It'sthedevil'sowndrug.It'shorriblewhatitdoestothem."Shepauses,says,"It'searlystill,though."

Thisisn'tthefirsttimeI'vebeentoldthatmethisworsethanmostotherdrugs.Tolearnwhy,Icontinuemyresearch,travelingtomeetwithmoreresearcherswhostudymeth.Theyexplainthatdrugusersoftenbingeandincreasetheirdosagesinanattempttorecreatetheinitialhigh,butformethaddicts,withthedepletionofasmuchas90

percentofthebrain'sdopamine,it'snolongerpossible.Aswithmanydrugs,thedopaminedeficiencycausesdepressionandanxiety,butit'softenfarmoreseverewithmeth.Thiscompelstheusertotakemoreofthedrug,causingmorenervedamage,whichincreasesthecompulsiontouse—acyclethatleadstobothaddictionandrelapse.Manyresearchersholdthatthisdrug'suniqueneurotoxicitymeansthatmethaddicts,unlikeusersofmostotherdrugs,maynevercompletelyrecover.Forme,thisisobviouslyachillingconclusion,injectingmyresearchwithevenmoreurgency.

TheClintonadministrationearmarkedmillionsofdollarsforresearchintomethamphetaminetreatmentswhentheepidemicwasbeginningtospread,andmethaddictshadanunacceptablyhighrateofrelapseandlowrateofretentioninprograms.Oneofthegoalsoftheresearchwastodetermineifaddicts'brainswereirreparablydamaged.Ifso,asinParkinson's,thebestthatcouldbedonewouldbetreatingthesymptomsorpossiblyslowingthedegeneration.Fullrecoverywouldprobablybeimpossible.

In1987,thePartnershipforaDrug-FreeAmericalaunchedtheantidrugcampaign"Thisisyourbrainondrugs."Butthehumanbrainonmethdoesnotlooklikefriedeggs.ItlooksmorelikethenightskyoverBaghdadduringthefirstweeksofthewar.Atleastthat'showitlooksonthecomputerscreenonthedeskofEdytheLondon,apharmacologistbytraining,whoisaprofessorofpsychiatryandbiobehavioralsciencesattheDavidGeffenSchoolofMedicineatUCLA.

Whenshewasanundergraduate,Dr.Londontookatestthattoldherthatshehadanaptitudeformedicalillustration.Inaway,usingfunctionalbrain-imagingtechnologies,shedoesexactlythat.In2000,Londoncreatedpicturesofthebrainsofsixteenmeth-amphetamineabusers.Aswithmostmethuserswhentheystoptakingthedrug,her

enlistedsubjectssleptinthehospitalfortwodaysaftertheywereadmitted.Severaldaysaftertheyawoke,Londonusedpositronemissiontomography(PET)scanstomaptheirbrains.PETscansregisterbrainactivitybymeasuringbloodflowandbiochemicalreactionsthroughthemovementsandconcentrationsofradioactivetracers.Theresultsarepicturesofhumanbrainfunction—andthemeasuredactivitycanberelatedtoemotion.Dependingonthecompound,ormarker,usedinatest,ascancanmapgeneralactivityinthebrainortheactivityofaspecificneurotransmitter.Inscanningmethaddicts,London'sgoalwastolearnmoreaboutthestateofusers'brainswhentheywereintheinitialstagesofwithdrawal.Thatis,whatshapeweretheyinwhentheyfirstenteredrehab?

Dr.Londonisasoft-spokenwomanwithshoulder-lengthblackhairandbangs.WhileIsitacrossfromherinhersmallofficeatthemedicalcenter,sherotatesherflat-panelmonitorsoIcanseetheimageofthefunctioning(or,moreaccurately,malfunctioning)addictbrain.Sheexplainsthatthepictureistheaverageofallsixteenaddicts'brains,combiningPETscans,whichchronicletheactivity,andMRIs,whichprovideahighlyaccuratebackgroundstructure.Theseimagesaresuperimposedontheaverageofbrainsinthecontrolgroup.Londonhasassignedcolorstotheimages.Theresultisbeforeme:amapshowingthestarkdifferencebetweenaddicts'andnormalbrains.Itisalateralcross-section,withthegraymatter—theMRIstructure—ingray.Bluepatchesindicatewheretheactivityinthebrainofthemethuserissignificantlylowerthanthecontrolgroup'sbrains.Yellowtoredareasare"hot,"meaningthatthereissignificantlymoreactivityintheaddicts'thantheothers'brains.

Londonstaresintentlyatthescreen.Afterafewmoments,shesighs."It'sbeautiful,butsad."

MymindgoestoNic.Assumingheisanaveragemethuser,the

largestsweepofthehottestcolors,thesizeandshapeofasmall,taillessmouse,islocatedintheposteriorcingulate.Pointingtothepatch,yellowinthecenterradiatingouttoacircleofHalloweenorange,Londonexplains,"Whatisturnedonhereisexactlywhatturnsonwhilepeoplefeelpain."Theoperativewordiswhile.Shegoeson,"Apersonstopsusingmethamphetamine,andthisisawaitingthem."Clinicianswhoworkwithmethaddictsalreadyknowthataddictsareoftendepressed,argumentative,anxious,andunwillingtoengageintreatment—exactlylikeNic—butLondon'sscansrevealthattheseconditionshaveabiologicalbasis.Inaddition,theyindicatealevelofseverityunrecognizedbefore.Itledhertoconcludethatmethaddictsmaybeunable,notunwilling,toparticipateinmanycommontreatments,atleastintheearlystagesofwithdrawal.Ratherthanamoralfailureoralackofwillpower,droppingoutandrelapsingmaybearesultofadamagedbrain.

Sheexplainsthatseverecognitiveimpairmentsmaymakepatientsincapableofparticipatingintherapiesthatrequireconcentration,logic,andmemory.Also,patientswithextremelyhighlevelsofdepressionandanxiety,andwhoaresufferingatypeof"chronicagony,"asLondondescribesit,areatamajordisadvantagewhentakingpartincognitiveandbehavioraltreatments.It'snotsurprisingthatNic,inthefirstweeksinrecovery,wantstoflee.Infact,London'sresearchworriesme,becauseit,addingtoothers'research,showshowlongittakesforthebraintoreturntonormal—ifiteverdoes.

Afteramonthofabstinence,thedepressivesymptomsandpainfollowingmethwithdrawalarelesssevereinmanyoftheabstinentmethusers,butinasubstantialnumber,theyarefarfromabated.Nowondertheoddsaresobad—thatis,nowondertheprogramsavailableinmostrehabfacilitiesinmostcommunitiesfailmostofthetime.SomeoftheplacesIcalledareonlyseveral-dayorweek

longdetox.Manyoftheprograms,likeOhlhoff,lastfortwenty-eightdays,butfewcitieshavepubliclyfundedlong-termprograms,andfewprivateinsuranceplansincludecoverageforintensiveongoingtreatment.Longerprograms,especiallyinpatientprograms,areprohibitivelyexpensiveformostpeople.Butthoughamethaddictmaybecomewellenoughinfourweekstounderstandtheneedforongoingcare,heorshemaynotbecomewellenoughtofollowthroughonit.Dr.London'spicturesillustratewhyprogramsmostlikelytobeeffectivewouldlastformanymonths.Itprobablytakesatleastacouplemonthsforapatienttorecoverenoughtoengageintreatmentsinmeaningfulways.

Whatshouldbedoneforpatientswhentheyarriveintheseprograms?Itwouldbeludicroustotrytotreatheroinaddictsinthefewdaysaftertheirlastfixwithcognitiveandbehavioraltherapies,themainstaysofrehabprograms.Heroinaddictshaveawell-documentedphysicalwithdrawalfromthedrugthatincludesshakes,convulsions,andthelike.Thephysicaleffectsofwithdrawalfrommethamphetamine,however,manifestinsymptomsthatweusuallyassociatewithpsychologyandemotion,but—andonDr.London'scomputerscreenisblue-and-orangeproof—theyhavephysicalbases.

Therearemanyspotsof"hot"brainactivitythatcorrelatetotrait(ongoing)andstate(situational)anxiety,farmorethanthecontrolsubjects.Thepictureisuniquetothisdrug,Londonexplains."Scansofthebrainsofheroin,cocaine,oralcoholabusersdonotshowchangeslikethese."

Theimagesalsosuggestcognitiveimpairments.AbluepatchinthemedialorbitofrontalcortexisworrisometoLondonbecauseactivityinthisareaisrelatedtodecision-makingability.Itisdistinctlyblue,withawhitishcenter.Meanwhile,theposteriorcingulate,relatedtopainandemotion,isn'tactivatedinthecontrol

subjects,butisbrightlylitupinthemethusers.Itislogicalthatitwouldbehardertothinkwhenpartsofthebrainrelatedtonegativeemotionareactive."Inthemethusers,atleastinthefirstweeks,thecognitivestrategiesthatthebrainisusingareabnormal,"Londonsays.Thismeansthat,inadditiontothebiologicallyrootedhighanxietyanddepression,peoplegettingoffmethhaveseverelyimpairedcognitivefunctioning.

IcheckfurtherandcomeacrossastudythatwasconductedthreeyearsbeforeLondon'sbyStephenKish,adoctorattheUniversityofToronto'smedicalcenter,whoautopsiedthebrainsofmethusers.(Theywerethebrainsofpeoplewhodiedofameth-amphetamineoverdoseorwhohadahighlevelofthedrugintheirsystemwhentheywerekilledbyagunshotordiedinanaccident.)Inslideshowsingenerationsofhighschoolhealthclasses,theshrunken,dehydrated,erodedbrainsofalcoholicswerecomparedtohealthybrains,creamywhiteandspongy.Unlikealcoholics,thereisnodamageinthebrainsofmethaddictsthatisvisibletothenakedeye.Atthemicroscopiclevel,however,thefried-egg"this-is-your-brain-on-drugs"metaphorapplies.Researchershaveseenthatsomeneuronendsareessentiallysinged.

Biopsiesofbraincellstellmore.Toanalyzethem,Kishusedbiochemicalprobesandscoopedouttwenty-milligramchunksofbrain.Hemeasuredtheamountsofspecificneurotransmitters,andcomparedthemtotheamountsinnormalbrains.

Hisstudyshowedmodestlydiminishedlevelsofserotoninandotherneurotransmittersbut"grosslylower"—by90to95percent—levelsofdopamine.Kishalsostudiedthepresenceofdopaminetransporters,fromwherethechemicalisreleased.These,too,weredepleted.Otherscientistsfoundsimilardepletionswhentheylookedatthebrainsofmeth-addictedmonkeys,baboons,mice,andrats,

leadingtotheconclusionthatmethisneurotoxic,physicallychangingthebrainfarmorethancocaineandmostotherdrugsdo.Itraisedanessentialquestion—myessentialquestion:evenifNicstopsusing,canhisbrainrecover?

Itwasestablishedthatdopamineisdramaticallyreduced,butnotwhetherthereisaphysicallossofthedopamineterminals.AccordingtoDr.Kish,ifthedrugpermanentlydestroystheterminals,there'snotmuchchanceofrecovery.Soinhisbrainsamples,Kishlookedatamarkercalledvesicularmonoaminetransporter,orV-MAT2.InParkinson'spatients,wherethereisapermanentlossofdopamineneurons,V-MAT2levelsareextremelylow.Ifthemarkerisdepletedinmethaddicts'brains,it'slikelythatthereisalossofnerveterminals,andthebraindamageisirreversible.However,whenKishtestedforV-MAT2,hefoundnormallevels.Itwasasurprising,andhopeful,finding.Thisandsubsequentresearchindicatethatthe"fried"nerveendingsprobablydogrowback,thoughitmaytakeaslongastwoyears.Twoyears.

Thismeansthatmethaddictscanprobablyrecover.

It'sgoodnewsforaparentofanaddict.OfcourseIwantNictosurvive,butIcannothelpwantingsomethingmoreforhim.Iwanthimtobeallrightagain.Thoughinconclusiveandstilldebated,theresearchers'findingssuggestthathecanbe,ifhestaysoffthedrug.Ifhestaysoffthedrug.

KarenandIeatdinneronHaightStreetandthendragourselvesupthehilltowhatwehavecometocalltheCountOhlhoffhouse—CountOlafisthevillaininASeriesofUnfortunateEvents,theLemony

SnicketbookswereadtoJasperandDaisy.Passingthesmokersoutfront,wegothroughthewrought-irongate.Afterabsorbingdecadesofcigarettesmokeandaddiction,thecourtyardgardenwewalkthroughappearsunabletosustainlife.

WeareheretomeetwithNicforafamilygroupsession.Themeetingsareheldinadankroom.KarenandI,alongwithothervisitingparentsorspousesorpartnersandouraddicts,sitonworncouchesandfoldingchairs.Agrandmotherly,whiskey-voiced(thoughsoberfortwentyyears)counselorleadsusinconversation.

"Tellyourparentswhatitmeansthatthey'reherewithyou,Nic,"shesaysatourfirstsession.

"Whatever.It'sfine."

Thesearestark,haunting,heart-wrenchinggatherings.Wegettoknowtheotheraddictsandtheirfamilies.Oneofthemethaddictsisanineteen-year-oldgirlwiththefaceofaningénue,hertousledhairinapairofcoffee-coloredpigtails,anddejectedeyes.Shehaslostcustodyofherbaby—thechildwasbornaddictedtometh.Shelookslikeachildherself,exceptforthetrackmarks.Otherpatientsincludeheroinaddicts,potheads,andanancient,blotchyDaysofWineandRosesalcoholic.Weheartheirstories.Thealcoholicrepeatedlylefthischildrenandtheirmotherwithoutagoodbye.Hewouldcomehomeandapologize."Afterthefirstfourorfivetimes,theapologiesmeantalmostnothingtothem,"hesays.Heenteredrehabwhentheylefthim.Oneboy,slightlyolderthanNic,withcolorlesshairandeyes,isfromNewYorkCity.HecametoSanFranciscotostudyarchitecture,but,hesays,"methamphetaminechangedmyplans."

It'snosurprisethatinaSanFrancisco-basedprogram,nearlyhalfofthepatientsaregaymenwhosedrugofchoicewasTina,theirtermformethamphetamine.Speedisadisasterinmanyurbangaycommunities,"returningthemtothe1970s,beforeAIDS,"accordingtoStevenShoptaw,apsychologistinthedepartmentoffamilymedicineatUCLA.Healthexpertsestimatethatupto45percentofgaymeninSanFrancisco,NewYork,andLAhavetriedcrystal.ThirtypercentofthosewithnewHIVinfectionsareusers.GaymeninCaliforniawhousespeedaretwiceaslikelytobeHIVpositiveasthosewhodon'tusethedrug.Bothstraightandgaymenandwomenusemethforsexmarathons."Speedsex"canbelong-lastingandintense.Indeed,intheearlystages,thedrugcanmakeauserfeel"energetic,outgoing,self-confident,andsexy,"saidGanttGalloway,ascientistintheAddictionPharmacologyResearchLaboratoryattheCaliforniaPacificMedicalCenterResearchInstitute."Butit'ssoonimpossibletobecomearoused.Bythenauserislikelytohaveengagedinthetypeofsexthathewouldn'tengageinwithoutthedrug—thetypethatspreadsthevirus."

AnHIV-positivegaymanintheprogramwithNic,anaddictwhohadbeenstrungoutonmethforsevenyears,speaksinaquaveringwhisper."Ilostmostofmyteeth,"hesays,showingoffalonelypairofnorth-facingbicuspids."Ihaveholesinmylungs."Withshakinghands,heliftshisT-shirtandjutsouthissore-infested,sunkenbelly."Thisshitdon'theal.Icoughblood.Icoughpiecesofmystomach.Ihurtallthetime."

Atthethirdweek'sfamilygroupsession,Nic,encouragedbyhiscounselor,tellsKarenandmethathewon'tbegoingtocollege."Iwasgoingforyou,"hesays."Iwanttowork.Iwanttobeonmyownfora

while.Ineedtobeindependent."

WhenKarenandIleaveCountOhlhoff's,wearegreetedbyasharp,bitingwind.WepullourcoatstighterandtakealongwalkdownFillmoreStreetandthenovertotheCivicCenter.KarenisasshockedasIamaboutNic'sdecisiontoshuncollege.Tobehonest,IamstillonlypayinglipservicetotheideathatNicisadrugaddict.Rehabisnecessary,Ibelieve,buthewillbefine.Idon'tlookatNicthewayIlookattheotheraddictsintheroom.Nicisasmartkidwhohasgonewayoutofcontrol.Ignoringthewarningfromourfriend,Ihavefeltthatrehabwill,inthesefourweeks,soberhimupandscarehimenoughsohe'llunderstandthathehasbeenonthevergeofdestroyinghislife.Butthat'sall.Hewillreturntocollege,graduate,andhavea—anormallife.

Givenmyquixoticfantasy,Iresenttherehabcounselors,whosepointofviewisclear.Forthem,rehabisallthatmatters.Everythingelsemustbeputaside.

Bytheendofourwalk,Ihavecomeupwithanewinterpretation.Nicisjustpostponingcollege.That'sall.Itmakessense.Iadapttothisnewscenario.Nicisonlyeighteen.Manypeopleputoffcollegeanddofine.

Atthefourthweek'sfamilygroupsession,Nicsurprisesusagain.Thistimehetellsusthathehasrealizedthatheneedsmoretimeinrehabandasksifhecanmoveintotheprogram'shalfwayhouse.UCLA'sWalterLingsaid,"Timeoffthedrugisthebestpredictorofmoretimeoffthedrug."Asscaryasitis—Iwantthisover,Iwanthimcured—it'sasensibleplan.Also,Iadmit,Iamafraidofwhatwill

happenifhecomeshome.

AndsoweagreetolethimmoveintotheOhlhoffhalfwayhouse.Hedoes,andthreedayslater,whenIcalltocheckonhim,Ilearnthathehasvanished.

12Atsomepoint,parentsmaybecomeinuredtoachild'sself-destruction,butIdonot.Idoknowthedrill,though.Icallthepoliceandhospitalemergencyrooms.Nothing.Idon'thearawordforaday,anotherday,andthenanother.OncemoreIexplainittoJasperandDaisyaswellasIcan.AlltheycomprehendisthatNicisintroubleandtheirparentsarerackedwithworry.RecallingtheincidentwiththesheriffsinInverness,Jasperasks,"IsNicinjail?"

"Icalledthejails.He'snotthere."

"Wheredoeshesleep?"

"Idon'tknow."

"Maybehehasafriendandhesleepsthere."

"Ihopeso."

Ikeeptryingtofathomwhatishappening—notonlytoNic,buttoourlives,whicharepreoccupiedwithhim.Iamalwayscarefularoundthelittlekids,butIsnapatKaren.Mostlyshetoleratesmyburstsofangerandfrustration,butsometimesshegetsfedupwithmeandmypreoccupationwithNic.It'snotthatshedoesn'tunderstand,butsometimesenoughfeelslikeenough,andthisisinterminable.Idonotsleepmuch.Shewakesupinthemiddleofthenightandfindsmeinthelivingroomstaringintodimflamesinthefireplace.IconfidethatIcan'tsleepbecauseIcan'tblockoutimagesofNicontheSanFranciscostreets.Iimaginehimhurt,introuble.Iimaginehimdying.

"Iknow,"shesays."Ido,too."Forthefirsttime,wecrytogether.

Withincreasingdesperation,IwantandneedtoknowthatheisOK,andso,onacool,overcastmorning,knowingthatIamonafool'serrand,IdriveacrosstheGoldenGateBridgewithplanstoscourtheHaightandtheMissionDistrict,theneighborhoodswhereIsuspectNicmightshowup.AfterdrivingaimlesslythroughtheMission,Icrosstown,parkonAshbury,andsetoffwalkingdownHaightStreet.IduckintoAmoeba,hispreferredrecordstore,andpeekintocafésandbookstores.

Inspiteofgentrification,theHaightretainsits1960s-erafunkiness,andtheairisspicywithburningmarijuana.Runaways—dyedhair,tattooed,tie-dyed,trackmarked,stoned—hangoutindoorways."ThestreetkidsstillclingtothefantasyoftheHaightAsh-bury,butit'snolongeraboutpeaceandlove,"Niconceobserved,"it'saboutpunkmusic,generallaziness,anddrugs."(It'salsoabout"allthoseterriblehippieteenagersfromMarinbeggingforsparechange,"DaveEggersaddsinAHeartbreakingWorkofStaggeringGenius.)Ionceheardarecoveringaddictdescribeherex-boyfriendinawaythatremindsmeofthesechildren:"Hehadblackfingernailsanddroveahearse.Everythingabouthimcriedout,'Lookatme,lookatme,'andwhenyoulookedathim,hewouldsnap,'Whothefuckareyoulookingat?'"Ifyousubscribetotheideathataddictionisadisease,itisstartlingtoseehowmanyofthesechildren—paranoid,anxious,bruised,tremulous,withered,insomecasespsychotic—areseriouslyill,slowlydying.We'dneverallowsuchasceneifthesekidshadanyotherdisease.Theywouldbeinahospital,notonthestreets.

Ludicrously,Iasksomeofthemiftheyknowmyson.Theyignoremeorglare.Istepoverorpastthem,lookingintoeachone'sfaceandwonderingaboutthem,wonderingabouttheirparents.

AtStanyan,IcrossintoGoldenGatePark,intoasmallforest,dodgingrollerbladersandbikersonthepathways.Nearthemerry-go-

round,IstopapoliceofficerandexplainthatIamlookingformyson,amethaddict.

"Thetweakersarehardtomiss,"hetellsme.Hesaysthatheknowswheresomemaybehangingoutandleadsmealongapath."Tryoverthere,"hesays,indicatingagrassyknollunderamagnoliatree,whereadozenpeoplearecongregated.

Iapproachagirlwhoissittingonabenchapartfromthegroup.Sheissylphicandwan,wrappedinagrimyFrenchsailor'ssweater.WhenIgetnearer,Iseethetelltalemarksofmeth:thetensejawandpulsingbody.Iintroducemyselfandsherecoils.

"Areyouacop?"

Isayno,buttellherthatitwasacopwhohadpointedherout.Iindicatetheofficer,whoiswalkingaway,andsheseemstorelax.

"He'scool,"shesays."Heonlyhasslesyouifyoucausetroubleordodrugsnearthelittlekidsintheplayground."Shepoints.OfcourseIknowtheplayground.Nicusedtoplaysecretagentthere.

Aftersmalltalk,ItellheraboutNic,andaskifsheknowshim.Sheasksmewhathelookslike.Ianswer,andsheshakesherhead."ThatsoundslikehalftheguysIknow,"shesays."Youwon'tfindhimifhedoesn'twanttobefound."

"Areyouhungry?Idon'thaveanythingtodoforawhile.IthoughtImightgetsomethingtoeat."

Shenods,says"Sure,"andsowewalktoMcDonald's,whereshedevoursacheeseburger.

"I'vebeenonthecrystaldiet,"shesays.

Iwanttoknowhowshegothere.Shespeaksinaquiet,haltingvoice,answeringmyquestions.

"Iwasnotatroublemaker,"shesaysatonepoint."Iwasasweetkid."

Shetellsmethatsheplayedwithdolls,was"theTwisterqueen,"marchedinthehighschoolband,likedhistory,andwasgoodinFrench."Commentallez-vous?Oùestlabibliothèque,s'ilvousplaît?"Shesaysthatshereadvoraciouslyandnamesherfavoriteauthors,countingthemonherthinfingers.ItisalistthatcouldhavebeenNic's,atleastwhenhewasyounger.HarperLee,Tolkien,Dickens,E.B.White,Hemingway,Kafka,LewisCarroll,Dostoyevsky."Fyodorwasmygod,TheBrothersKwasmybible,butnowIdon'treadshit."Shelooksupandsays,"Yaknow,Iwasapompomgirl.Noshit.Inevermadethatprom,though."

Hergiggleisself-conscious,andshecovershermouthwithashakyhand,thenpullsatherstringyhair."Nofairygodmothersavedtheday."

Aboygavehermethwhenshewasfourteen.Thatwasfiveyearsago.Sheslurpshersoda,andthen,rockingbackandforthinherseat,adds,"Meth...EventhoughIknowhowfuckedupitis,ifIhadthechancetostartalloverIwoulddoitagain.Ican'tlivewithoutdope,don'twantto.Youcan'timaginehowgooditgetswhenit'sgood,andIneedthatinmylife."

SheplucksafewpiecesoficefromhercupofCoca-Colaandputsthemonthetable,flickingthemwithherfingersandwatchingthemskitteracrosstheplastic.Shetellsmethatherfatherisabanker;her

mother,areal-estateagent.TheyliveinOhio,inthehouseshegrewupin."It'swhite,roses,picketfence—theAmericanexperience,"shesays.Herparentshiredaprivatedetectivetofindherwhensheranawayfromhomethefirsttime,catchingaridetoSanFranciscowithafriend.Thedetectivetracedhertoahomelessshelterandpersuadedhertoreturnwithhim.Backhome,herparentsbroughthertoahospitaltodetoxfromcrystal."Itwashell.Iwantedtodie."

ShestoleajarofValium,and,thedayshewasdischarged,overdosedonit.Aftersherecovered,herparentscheckedherintoHazelden,thewell-knownMidwesterndrug-rehabfacility,butsheranawayfromthere,too.Herparentsfoundheragainandsenthertoadifferentrehabcenter."It'sbullshit,acult,"shesaysoftheprograms."AllthatGodshit."Sheranawayagain,scoredcrankfromanoldboyfriend,andhitchhikedbacktoSanFrancisco,ridingmostofthewaywithameth-smokingtruckdriver.ShesettledintheHaight,whereshebegandealingand"slamming"—thatis,shooting—crystal.Shesaysshelivesinagaragewithaspaceheaterandnorunningwater,sleepsonanoldmattress.

Shetellsmesheusescrystalalmosteveryday,smokesitandshootsit;staysupforseventy-twoormorehoursatatime;sleeps,whenshedoes,fordays;has"freaky"nightmares.Shewasintheemergencyroomthreetimes,onceeachforpneumonia,some"stomachthing,Iwascoughingupblood,"andfor"freakingout."Shemakesenoughmoneyforcoffeeandcigarettesbypanhandling.Shestabbedaguyonce,"justintheleg,"andpaysformethbydealing."WhenIcan'tpay,Igiveablowjoborwhatever."Shesaysthisandthenseemsembarrassed,somehowjarredbythememoryofanossifiedemotion.Sheturnsherheadtothesideandlooksdown.Inprofile,withherunwashedhairhangingdown,shelookshalfherage."IamabitchifIcan'tscore,"shesays."OnmethI'mallright."

"Whataboutyourparents?"

"Whataboutthem?"

"Doyoumissthem?"

"Notmuch.Yeah.Iguess."

"Youshouldcontactthem."

"Why?"

"I'msuretheymissyou,andworry.Theycouldhelpyou."

"Theywouldtellmetogobackintorehab."

"Maybeit'snotabadidea."

"Beenthere,donethat."

"Atleastcallthem.Letthemknowyou'realive."

Shedoesn'trespond.

"Callthem.Iknowthey'dwanttoknowyou'realive."

Idrivehome.WithoutNic.Wonderaboutthegirl'sparents.IftheyareanythinglikeIimaginethemtobe—thatis,anythinglikeme—whatevertheyaredoingatthismomenttheyaredoingitperfunctorilywithonlyaportionoftheirconsciousness.Theyareneverfreeofworryabouttheirdaughter.Theywonderwhatwentwrong.They

wonderifsheisalive.Theywonderifitistheirfault.

Itormentmyselfwiththesameunanswerablequestions:

DidIspoilhim?

WasItoolenient?

DidIgivehimtoolittleattention?

Toomuch?

Ifonlywenevermovedtothecountry.

IfonlyIneveruseddrugs.

IfonlyhismotherandIhadstayedtogether.

Ifonlyandifonlyandifonly...

Guiltandself-blamearetypicalresponsesofaddicts'parents.InAddictintheFamily,aremarkablyusefulbook,BeverlyConyerswrote,"Mostparents,whenlookingbackonhowtheyraisedtheirchildren,haveatleastsomeregrets.Theymaywishthattheyhadbeenmoreorlessstrict,thattheyhadexpectedmoreorlessoftheirchildren,thattheyhadspentmoretimewiththem,orthattheyhadnotbeensooverprotective.Theymayreflectondifficultevents,suchasadivorceordeathinthefamily,andseetheseasturningpointsintheirchild'smentalhealth.Somemaybearheavyburdensofshameoverpastdifficulties,suchasaninfidelitythatdamagedthefamilyandcausedmistrust.Whatevertheparentalfailingsmaybe,itisalmostinevitablethattheaddictswillrecognizethesevulnerablespotsandtakeadvantageoftheparents...

"Addictsmayhavemanycomplaints,includingmajorandminorgrievancesfromyearspast.Someoftheiraccusationsmay,infact,havetruthinthem.Familiesmaywellhavecausedpainfortheaddicts.Theymaywellhavefailedtheaddictsinsomesignificantway.(Afterall,whathumanrelationshipisperfect?)Butaddictsbringuptheseproblemsnottocleartheairorwiththehopeofhealingoldwounds.Theybringthemupsolelytoinduceguilt,atoolwithwhichtheymanipulateothersinpursuitoftheircontinuedaddiction."

Nonetheless:ifonlyandifonlyandifonly.

Worryandguiltandregretmayserveafunction—asaturbo-chargerofconscience—butinexcesstheyareuselessandincapacitating.YetIcannotsilencethem.

AfterdayswithoutawordfromNic,hecallsfromthehouseofaformergirlfriend.Heistalkingfastandobviouslylying.Hesayshehasquitonhisownandhasbeensoberforfivedays.ItellhimthathehastwochoicesasfarasIamconcerned:anothertryatrehaborthestreets.Mytoughtalkbeliesmyimpulsetorushoverandtakehiminmyarms.

Hemaintainsthatrehabisunnecessary—hewillstoponhisown—butItellhimthatitisn'tnegotiable.Heindolentlyagreestotryagain,finallyconcluding,"Whatever."

Idrivetothegirl'shouseandwaitoutside,idlingthecaronthecul-de-sac.Nicdullyclimbsin.Inoticeablackbruiseonhischeekandagashonhisforehead.Iaskwhathappened.Helooksskywardandthencloseshiseyes."Itwasnobigdeal,"hesays."Someasshole

beatmeupandrobbedme."

Iyelp."Andit'snobigdeal?"

Helookswearyandempty.Hehasnosuitcaseorbackpack,nothing.

"Whathappenedtoyourstuff?"

"Everythingwasstolen."

Whoishe?TheboysittingnearmeinthecarisnotNic,nordoesheknowanythingaboutthechildIremember.Asifcorroboratingmyobservation,hespeaksatlast.

"WhatthefuckamIdoinghere?Thisisbullshit.Idon'tneedrehab.It'sbullshit.I'mleaving."

"Leaving?Where?"

"Paris."

"Ah,Paris."

"GettingoutofthisfuckingcountryiswhatIneed."

"WhatwillyoudoinParis?"

"TomandDavidandIaregoingtoplaymusicintheMetro,setourselvesupwithalittlemonkey,liketheoldorgangrinders."

Overthenexttwenty-fourhours,Nic'smoodrangesfromagitatedtocomatose.Inadditiontothemonkey,hisplansincludebackpackingtoMexico,joiningthePeaceCorps,andfarminginSouthAmerica,

buteachtimeheultimatelycomesaroundtoagrimresignationthathewillreturntorehab.Thenheagainsaysthathedoesn'tneedit,heissober,fuckyou,andthenhesaysheneedsdrugsandcannotsurvivewithoutthem."Lifesucks,whichiswhyIgethigh."

Iamunsureifanotherfourweeksofrehabmakessense,butIknowit'sworthtrying.ThistimeImanagetogethimintoSt.HelenaHospital,improbablylocatedintheNapaValleywinecountry.

Manyfamiliesdraineverypenny,mortgagingtheirhomesandbankruptingtheircollegefundsandretirementaccounts,tryingsuccessivedrug-rehabprogramsaswellasbootcamps,wildernesscamps,andeveryvarietyoftherapist.Hismother'sinsuranceandminepaymostofthecostsoftheseprograms.Withoutthiscoverage,I'mnotsurewhatwewoulddo.Fortwenty-eightdays,theycostnearlytwentythousanddollars.

Thefollowingmorning,Nic,Karen,andIdrivepastendlessyellowfieldsandgreenones—mustardflower,geometricvineyards—onourwaytothehospital.

AbovetheNapaValley,offtheSilveradoTrail,IturnthecarontoSanatoriumRoad,whichleadstothehospital.Niclooksatthesign,shakeshishead,andwrylyremarks,"Great.Therapycamp.Herewegoagain."

IparkthecarandseeNiclookingoverhisshoulder.Heisthinkingofmakingarunforit.

"Don'tyoudare."

"I'mscared,allright?Jesus!"hesays."Thisisgoingtobeanightmare."

"Comparedtogettingbeatenupandalmostkilled?"

"Yeah."

Weenterthemainbuildingandfollowthesignstothesubstance-abuseprogram.Wetakeanelevatortothesecondfloorandfromtherewalkdownacorridor.IncontrastwithOhlhoffRecovery,thisisasterilehospital—graycarpeting,fluorescentlight,endlesshallways,nursesinwhite,orderliesinblue.Wesitonapairofupholsteredchairsnearabusynurses'station,fillingoutforms.Wedon'ttalk.

ThenanursewithaHarpoMarxhairdoandlargepinkglassescomesforNic.Sheexplainsthathewillbeinterviewedandundergoaphysicalexaminationbeforeheisadmitted.Tome,shesays,"Itwilltakeaboutanhour.He'llmeetyouhere."

KarenandIgodownstairstothehospitalgiftshopandfromthemeagerselectionbuyhimafewtoiletries.Whenwereturn,Nicsaysthatit'stimeforhimtogotohisroom.Wewalkwithhimalittlewaydownthecorridor.Heholdsontomyarm.Hefeelsalmostweightless,asifhecouldliftfromearth.

Weallawkwardlyhug."Goodluck,"Isay."Takecareofyourself."

"Thanks,Papa.Thanks,KB."

"Iloveyou,"Karensays.

"Iloveyou,too."

Helooksatmeandsays,"Everything."Tearsflow.

TheprogramatSt.HelenaissimilartotheoneatCountOhlhoff's,thoughitincludesmoreexercise,withyogaandswimminginthehospital'skidney-shapedpool,plusconsultationswithstaffphysiciansandapsychiatrist.Itemphasizeseducation,withlecturesandfilmsaboutthebrainchemistryofaddiction,anddailyAAandNAmeetings,plusanexpandedtwo-day-a-weekfamilyprogram.Atthispoint,Iamnotsanguineaboutrehab,butIallowmyselfasliverofhope.AsintheSpringsteensong,"Attheendofeveryhard-earneddaypeoplefindsomereasontobelieve."Mineisamixofthishopeand,onceagain,tenuousreliefbecauseIknowwhereheis.

AthomeIsleep,thoughunsoundly.Inmynightmares,Nicisondrugs.Irageathim.Ipleadwithhim.Iweepforhim.High,hedoesnotcare.High,hestaresbackblanklyandcoldly.

Otherpeoplevisitthewinecountryforitscabernetandpinotnoir,mudbathsandgoodfood.KarenandImakepilgrimagesforfamilyweekendsatthehospital.BeforeourfirstSt.Helenasession,acounselortellsmethatanaddict'sprognosisisfarbetterwhenhisorherfamilyparticipates."Weworrymostaboutoneswithoutfamilies,"shesays."Nicisoneoftheluckyones."

"YouwillfindNicolasgreatlychanged,"sheremarksaswewalkdownawhitehallway."Buthe'sfeelingprettydepressed.Theyalldowhenthey'redetoxing,andmethistheworst."

FamilysessionsatthehospitalarestructureddifferentlythanatCountOhlhoff's.WefirstgatherinalargeroomwithlinesofchairsfacingalecternandTVmonitors.ThehospitaloffersfoureducationforumsonalternatingSundays.Ourfirstisonthediseasemodelofaddiction.Thisisanalienconceptforme.Whatotherdiseases

include,asasymptom,thewillingparticipationofthevictim?EachtimeNicdoesspeed,hemakesachoice.(Doesn'the?)Smokersmaybringontheirlungcancer,butotherwisecancerpatientsarenotresponsiblefortheircondition.Drugaddictsare.(Aren'tthey?)

Thelecturerexplainsthataddictionisgenetic,atleastthepredispositiontoaddiction.Thatis,Nic'sgenesarepartlytoblame,thepotentmixofhisancestry:mydark-complexionedforebears,RussianJews,mixedwithhismother'sfairSouthernMethodists.Vicki'sfatherdiedofalcoholism,sowedidn'thavetolookfarinthefamilytree,thoughnoonereallyknowsexactlyhowthepredispositionispasseddown.Roughly10percentofpeoplehaveit,thespeakersays.Iftheydo,drugsoralcohol"activates"thedisease."Aswitchisturnedon,"shesays.Onceit'sactivateditcannotbedeactivated.Pandora'sboxcannotbeclosed.

Amaninterrupts."You'relettingpeopleoffthehook,"hesays."Nooneforcedmysontogotohisdrugdealer,toscore,tocookupmeth,toinjectheroin,torobus,torobaliquorstoreandhisgrandparents."

"No,"sheanswers."Noonedid.Hedidithimself.Butnonethelesshehasanillness.It'satrickyillness.Yes,peopledohavechoicesaboutwhattodoaboutit.It'sthesamewithanillnesslikediabetes.Adiabeticcanchoosetomonitorhisinsulinlevelsandtakehismedication;anaddictcanchoosetotreathisdiseasethroughrecovery.Inbothcases,iftheydon'ttreattheirillnesses,theyworsenandthepersoncandie."

"But,"thesamemaninterjects,"adiabeticdoesnotsteal,cheat,lie.Adiabeticdoesn'tchoosetoshootupheroin."

"There'sevidencethatpeoplewhobecomeaddicted,oncethey

beginusing,haveatypeofcompulsionthatcannotbeeasilystoppedorcontrolled,"shesays."It'salmostlikebreathing.It'snotamatterofwillpower.Theycannotjuststopontheirownortheywould.Noonewantstobeanaddict.Thedrugtakesapersonover.Thedrug,notaperson'srationalmind,isincontrol.Weteachaddictshowtodealwiththeirillnessthroughongoingrecoverywork.It'stheonlyway.Peoplewhosaytheycancontrolitdon'tunderstandthenatureofthedisease,becausethediseaseisincontrol."

No,Ithink.

Nicisincontrol.

No,Nicisoutofcontrol.

Afterthepresentation,therearequestionsandanswers.Thenwemeetinanotherroom.Wesitinacircleofchairs.Anothercircle.Wearebecomingusedtothesesurrealcirculargatheringsofparentsandchildrenandsignificantothersofaddicts.Wetaketurnsintroducingourselves,sharingabridgedversionsofourstories.Theyarealldifferent—differentdrugs,differentlies,differentbetrayals—butthesame,dreadfulandheartbreaking,alllacedwithintenseworryandsadnessandpalpabledesperation.

Wearedismissedforlunch,todinewithourfamilymemberintheprogram.Nicwandersshakilydownahallwaytowardus.Heispallid,movingslowly,asifeachstepcausessearingpain.Heseemsgenuinelyhappytoseeus.Hegivesuswarmhugs,holdingontoeachofusforalongtime.Hischeekpressesagainstmine.

Wechoosesandwicheswrappedinplasticandpourcoffeeintoplasticmugsandcarrythemontraystoanemptybenchoutsideonthebalcony.Aftertakingabiteofhissandwichandthenpushingit

away,Nicexplainshislassitude.Hehasbeengivensedativestoaidinthecome-downprocess.Hesaysthatthemedicationisdistributedtwiceeachdayby"NurseRatched"—heimpersonatesLouiseFletcherinOneFlewOvertheCuckoo'sNest."IfMr.McMurphydoesn'twanttotakehismedicationorally,"hesays,withadrawlaccompaniedbyamenacinglook,"I'msurewecanarrangethathecanhaveitsomeotherway."

Hechortles,butit'saweakperformance;heistoosedatedtoputmuchverveintoit.

Afterlunch,heshowsushisroom,withtwinsinglebedsandnightstandsandasmallroundtablewithtwochairs.Itlookscomfortable,likeamodesthotelroom.Indicatingthebedbyonewall,hetellsusabouthisroommate."He'sagreatguy,"Nicsays."Hewasachef.Adrunk.He'smarriedwithababy.Look..."

Hepicksupaphotographinabambooframeonthebedsidetable.Anangelicbabygirl,aroundtwoyearsold,andhermother,abeautywithachurned-upseaofyellowcurlsandalight-filledsmile."Shetoldhimthisishislastchance,"Nicsays."Ifhedoesn'tstaysober,she'llleavehim."

OnNic'sbedsidetableistheAlcoholicsAnonymousBigBookandastackofrecoveryliterature.Thereisasmallclosetandadresserintowhichhestashedthesmallpileofhisfoldedclotheswebroughtalong.

Nextheguidesusontothebalcony,whichlooksoutovervineyards.

"I'msosorryabouteverything,"heblurts.

IlookatKaren.Wedonotknowwhattosay.

13Anotherweekendinwinecountry.Themorninglectureisonthe"addictedfamily"—thatis,us.

"Iprobablydon'thavetotellyouthatthisisadiseasethataffectsfamilies,too,"thespeaker,aprogramcounselor,begins."Theydon'tsleep,theydon'teat,theybecomeill.Theyblamethemselves.Theyfeelrage,overwhelmingworry,shame.Manypeoplekeeptheirsufferingtothemselves.Ifyourchildhadcancer,thesupportfromyourfriendsandfamilywouldfloodin.Becauseofthestigmaofaddiction,peopleoftenkeepitquiet.Theirfriendsandfamilymaytrytobesupportive,buttheymayalsocommunicateasubtleorunsubtlejudgment."

Apparentlythefamilydynamicsarepredictable,illustratedinamobilethathangsfromaceilingononesideofthelectern.Pointingtothemobile,thespeakerexplainsallofourroleswithdisturbingaccuracy.

Hanginginthecenterisapaper-dollfigure,whichrepresentstheaddict.Smallerdollsfloataroundthecentralfigure.ThefiguresdanglingofftothesiderepresentthekidsandKaren,ontheperiphery,helpless,butinextricablytiedtothemoodsandwhimsanddrug-takingofthecentralfigure.Anotherfigurehangssomewhatprecariouslybetweenthem—me.Iamanenabler,proppingNicup;makingexcusesforhim;bendingoverbackwardtocareforhim;tryingtoprotectKarenandJasperandDaisyfromhim,andyetalsotryingtokeepthemallconnectedtooneanother.

"It'snotyourfault,"saysthespeaker."That'sthefirstthingtounderstand.Thereareaddictswhowereabusedandaddictswhofrom

allaccountshadidealchildhoods.Yetstillmanyfamilymembersblamethemselves.Anotherthingtheydoistrytosolveit.Theyhideliquorbottlesandmedicationandsearchfordrugsintheirlovedone'sclothesandbedrooms,andtheydrivetheaddicttoAAorNAmeetings.Theytrytocontrolwheretheaddictgoesandwhattheydoandwhotheyhangoutwith.It'sunderstandable,butit'sfutile.Youcannotcontrolanaddict."

Later,thespeakersays,"Anaddictcantakeoverthefamily—takeallofaparent'sattention,evenattheexpenseofotherchildrenandofone'sspouse.Familymembers'moodsbecomedependentonhowtheaddictisdoing.Peoplebecomeobsessed.It'sunderstandable,butit'sharmful.Theybecomecontrollinginwaysthattheyneverwerebefore,becausetheyaresoafraid.Peoplelosetheiridentitybecausenothingmattersexcepttheiraddictedspouseorchildorparentorwhoeveritis.Thereisnojoyleftintheirlife."

WhenwemeetNicforlunch,hehassomecolorbackinhisfaceandsomelifebackinhiseyes.Heisfreerinhismovements,nolongerconstrictedbypain.Nonetheless,hehunchesoverandseemsdejected.

Wetalkwhilesittinginchairsonthebalconyofhisroom."Idon'tthinkthisisgoingtoworkformeanybetterthanlasttime,"hesays."AllthetalkaboutGod..."

Heisquiet.

"AlltheGodtalk.Ican'tgetpastit."

Irespond,"Theysay'higherpower,'notGod.There'sadifference."

"'Higherpower'isanotherwayofsayingGod.Youhavetobelieve,andIdon't.Youcan'tgetoverthisunlessyoubelieve."

Nicexplainshisconundrum."Ihavenoproblemwiththefirststepofthetwelvesteps,"hesays."Well,sometimesIdo,butIguessit'sobviousthatIampowerlessoverdrugsandalcoholandmylifehasbecomeunmanageable.Butafterthat,it'sbullshit."

Hereadsstepstwoandthreefromabookmark.

"'Two:CametobelievethataPowergreaterthanourselvescouldrestoreustosanity.Three:MadeadecisiontoturnourwillandourlivesovertothecareofGodasweunderstoodHim.'"

Ipointout,"There'salotofroomin'asweunderstoodHim.'"

"Idon'tunderstandHimtobeanything."

Forsomepeople,this—hisatheism,agiftfromhisparents,atleastme—isenoughtoexplainNic'sproblem.Idon'tbelievethatanysinglefactorcouldhavechangedhisfate,butwhoknows?IfabeliefinGodorareligiousupbringingprecludesaddiction,though,howdoesoneexplainallofthepeoplewithreligiousbackgroundsandbeliefswhohavebecomeaddicted?Thedevoutarenotspared.

Withoutbeingsolicitousordisingenuous,Itrytoofferawaythathecanconceiveofahigherpower.ThoughIraisedhimwithoutreligion,hisupbringingwasnotdevoidofasetofmoralvalues.Itriedtoinstilltheideathatmoralityisrightforitsownsake.TheDalaiLama,writingintheNewYorkTimes,recentlyexplainedthisinawaythatreflectsmythinking:"keyethicalprinciplesweallshareashumanbeings,suchascompassion,tolerance,asenseofcaring,considerationofothers,andtheresponsibleuseofknowledgeand

power—principlesthattranscendthebarriersbetweenreligiousbelieversandnon-believers,andfollowersofthisreligionorthatreligion."Tome,thoseprinciplesareahigherpower,oneaccessibletoeachofus.MyfatheronceexplainedhisconceptofGod:the"stillsmallvoice"insideus—ourconsciences.Idon'tcallitGod,butItoobelieveinourconsciences.Whenwelistentothatvoice,wedotherightthing.Whenwedon't,wefailto.InmylifeIhaven'tpaidcloseenoughattentiontoit—Ididn'tknowhow—butItrytonow.WhenIlistentoitandactonit,Iammorecompassionate,lessself-obsessed,andmoreloving.That,ItellNic,ismyhigherpower.

Heisunimpressed."Rationalizations,"hesays,"morebullshit.It'sabiglie."

CounselorsatOhlhoff,peoplehehasmetatmeetings,andnowthestaffatSt.Helenahavetriedtoconvincehimthatone'shigherpowercanbeanythingoneimaginesittobe—asourceofguidancethatcomesfromoutsideofoneselfwhenit'sdangeroustorelyonthewarped,drug-influencedguidancethatcomesfromone'sownbrain,theaddictbrain."Forsome,ittakesaleapoffaith,"acounselortoldNic."Youhavetotrustthatthereissomethingbiggerthanusoutthere—somethingthatcanshowusthepaththatwillsaveourlives.Thefirststepishonesty:mylifeisoutofcontrol.Sowhatareyourchoices?Continueorsubmittoahigherpower.Youhavetoriskit—tobecourageousenoughtotakealeapoffaithandtrustthatthereissomethingbiggerthanusthatcanhelp."

Weonceagaineatonthedeckoutsidethecafeteria,whereNicintroducesustotwofriendshehasmadehere.Wefeelasifwealreadyknowthembecausebynowwehavebeeningroupsessionswiththeirwives.Jamesisanamiablebusinessman,handsome,withredhairandfrecklesandthereassuringmannerofoneofJimmyStewart'swholesomecharacters.HeisaVicodinaddict.Thedrugwas

prescribedafterbacksurgery.BeforecheckinghimselfintoSt.Helena,hewasswallowingasmanyasfortypillsaday.Nic'sotherfriendishisroommate,thechef,Stephen,whohasapprenticedinsomeoftheBayArea'smostrenownedkitchens.AccordingtoNic,thesandy-haired,athleticmanwithslopingblueeyesabusedavarietyofdrugs,buthisprimaryaddictionisalcohol,whichhasnearlydestroyedhismarriageandhasnearlykilledhimatleasttwice.Inhisearlythirties,hehasalreadyundergonesurgeryonhisliverandpancreasduetoalcoholpoisoning.Itisshockingtohearhisage.Helooksfifty.

Wesitatlongtableswiththemandtheirwives,bothofwhomseemkind-hearted,loving,andexceedinglytired.Nic,James,andStephensharethesamesenseofhumorandsomethingelse:thetypeofintimacyandaffectionthatnormallybuildsovermonthsoryearsbutishastenedinrehab,wherepeople'ssoulsareexposed.Indeed,afterward,NictellsushowmuchitmeanstohaveconnectedwithJamesandStephen."Lateatnight,wheneveryoneelseisasleep,wesneakintothehospitalkitchen,"hesays.

"Isthatallowed?"asksKaren.

"Noonecares,"Nicsays,speakingquietly."TheothernightStephenmadeanartichokesouffléandleeksoup.Lastnightwehadchickencordonbleu.Iwassouschef."

WetalktoNicaboutthemorning'sandlastweek'slectures,andIaskifheagreesthataddictionisadisease—andhehasit.Heshrugs."Igobackandforth."

"Ifaswitchwasthrown,whendidithappen?"Iask."AtBerkeley?"

"God,no,"hesays."Earlier.Much."

"Howmuchearlier?WhenyougotdrunkinLakeTahoe?Whenyoufirstsmokedpot?"

Afteraminute,hesays,"MaybeParis."

Inod,rememberingtheulcer,andask,"WhathappenedinParis?"

Headmitsthathislanguageclassesattheuniversitycouldn'tcompetewiththecity'sotherdraws,includinganabundanceofeasilyaccessiblealcohol;Frenchwaitersthoughtnothingofservingwinetoasixteen-year-old.Asaresult,Nicspentmuchofhistimethereemulatinghisdrunkenheroes—butheforgotthewritingandpaintingpart."Onenight,"hesays,"IwassodrunkthatIcrawledintoaboattiedtotheshoreoftheSeineandpassedout.Isleptthere,wokeupthenextday."

"Youcouldhavebeenmurdered."

Hiseyestakemein."Iknow,"hesaysdarkly."WhenIflewhome,Isnucksomebottlesofwineinmysuitcase,buttheyonlylastedafewdays.Iwasfucked.InParis,I'dbeengoingouttobarsandclubseverynight,drinkingafuckingshitload,butwhenIgothome,Iwassixteen,ahighschoolstudent,livingwithyouguys."Helooksdown."Itwastoobizarre.Icouldn'tgetalcohol,soIstartedsmokingpoteveryday.Itwasn'tthesame,butitwaseasiertoget."

"Whataboutharddrugs?"Iask,notsureIwanttoheartheanswer."Whendidyoustart?"

"Rememberwhen[henamestheboysandhisgirlfriend]andIleftafterthebarbecuethenightIgraduatedfromhighschool?"Heis

sittingwithhiselbowsonthetable."Therewasecstasyatthepartywewentto.Itooksome.Iwasflying.Ifeltsoclosetoeveryone,goingthroughtheselong,meaningfulgoodbyes.AfterthatItookwhateverIcouldfind—E,LSD,mushrooms,andthen..."Helooksup."Thencrystal.WhenItriedit,Ifelt—Ifeltbetterthaneverbeforeinmylife."

Onceagain,wegatherinthelargeconferenceroom,patientsandfamilymembers,fortheafternoongroupsession.Morechairsarebroughtoutfromaclosettoaccommodatefiftyorsopeople;thecirclestretchesintoalong,meanderingovalthattouchesthewalls.Acounselorleadsthesession,whichstarts,asusual,withintroductionsaroundtheroom—aroomfullofresentmentandsadnessandrage.

"Icannotthinkofanythingotherthanmydaughter.Icannotletgoofit.Idreamaboutit.WhatcanIdo?Thishastakenovermylife.Peopletellmetoletitgo,buthowdoesoneletgooftheirdaughter?"Thespeakercriesandcries.Herdaughtersitsnexttoher,stone-faced.

Whenitishisturn,Nicsays,"I'mNic,andI'manaddictandalcoholic."

Ihaveheardhimsayitbeforeatothersessions,hereandinSanFranciscoandatacoupleAAmeetingsIattendedwithhim,andyetstillitjarsme.Mysontheaddictandalcoholic.Itfillsmewithacertainpridetohearhimadmitsomethingthatmustbeextremelydifficulttoadmit.Butdoeshereallybelieveit?Idon't.Notreally.

ComparedtothosewhogatheredattheoldVictorianinSanFrancisco,thecrowdatSt.Helenaisbetterdressed,thoughanaged

womanappearsasifshecouldhavebeen,hoursago,aderelictonthestreet.Thegrouptherapybeginswithpatientsandtheirfamiliessharingstories,sometimescommentingononeanother'sprogress.Theagedwomanshocksme.Inagravellyvoice,sheexplains,"Ihaveamaster'sdegree.I'mateacher.Agoodone,Ithink."Shestopsandstaresvacantlyaheadforamoment."Iwasagoodone.Beforespeed."

Likeme,theaddicts'relativesallseemsimultaneouslyhopelessandhopeful.

Sometimesthepainintheroomisnearlyunbearable.Withoutrespite,wehear,see,andmostofallfeelwithheart-tearingjabsthebleaknessofthelivesofpeoplewhoselovedoneshavebecomeaddictedtometh,thoughthe"drugofchoice"hardlymatters.Meth,heroin,morphine,Klonopin,cocaine,crack,Valium,Vicodin,alcohol,and,formost,combinationsofallofthese.Thepeopleinthecirclearedifferent,yetweareallthesame.Weallhavegapingwounds.

Nic'sfriendStephenspeaks.Hedescribeshislifelong"dance"withalcohol—hewastenwhenhegotdrunkforthefirsttime.Hiswifecriescontinuously.

"Weloveyousomuch,"shesaystoStephenwhenitisherturn,"butIhaveheardyourremorsebefore.Ihaveheardyourpromises.Ican'tlivethisway."

James'swifespeaksabouthowhehasplummetedfrom"thepersonIrespectedmostintheentireworld,mysoulmate,"tosomeoneconsumedwithpillsattheexpenseofeverythingelse."Hewentfrombeingthekindest,gentlest—"

Thecounselor,inaquiet,evenvoice,interrupts."Tryaddressing

himdirectly,"shesays."Talktoyourhusband."

LookingintoJames'seyes,trembling,shecontinues:"Youwentfrombeingthekindest,gentlestmanIhadeverknowninmylifetoastranger,yellingatme,listless,depressed,unkind,andunabletoshareanykindofopennessandintimacy.Ikeepaskingmyself..."

Shebeginstocry.

Andthenanother,andanother.Theytelltheirstories,addresstheirlovedones,apologize,railatthem,andweep.Oursimilaritiesareprofound.Tovaryingdegrees,wehavespentyearsacceptingandrationalizingbehaviorinourlovedonesthatwewouldnevertolerateinanyoneelse.Wehaveprotectedthemandhiddentheiraddiction.Weresentedthemandfeltguiltyforit.Wehavebeenfuriousandhavefeltguiltyforit.Wevowednottotaketheircrueltyordeceitfulnessorselfishnessorirresponsibilityanylongerandthenweforgavethem.Weragedatthem,ofteninwardly.Weblamedourselves.Weworried—worriedincessantly—thattheywouldkillthemselves.

Everyaddict'sstoryhassimilarthemes,too—remorse,out-of-controlfury,directedmostoftenatthemselves—andasenseofhelplessness."DoyouthinkIwanttobethisway?"amanscreamsintothefaceofhisshakingwife."Doyou?Doyou?IHATEMYSELF."Bothofthemcryandcryandcry.

"I'msoproudofhimforbeinghere,"awomansaysofherheroin-addictedhusband."Butwhathappensnext?Iamterrified."Anelderlywomanwhosesister,alawyer,isaddictedtometh,says,"Inolongergivehermoney,butIbuyherfoodanddrivehertothedoctorandpayforhermedications."Sheadds,"Sheisincapableofmakingitacrosstheapartmenttotherefrigerator."Thetherapistgentlyprodsher."She

iscapableofscoringdrugsbutshecan'tmakeittotherefrigerator?"

Thenanotherparentinterrupts."IfeltthesamewayaboutmysonuntilIrealizedthathecouldn'tgettoschoolorworkoratherapyappointmentbuthecouldgettopawnshops,gettohisdealers,getwhateverdrughewanted,getalcohol,breakintohouses,getneedles—whateverwasrequired.It'safairlysophisticatedprocesstocookabatchofmethamphetamine,butIfeltsosorryforhim,thinking,He'sdepressed.He'sfragile.He'sincapable.OfcourseIshouldpayhisbillifhewindsupinthehospital.OfcourseIshouldpayhisrentorhe'llbeonthestreets.SoforaboutayearIpaidforacomfortableplaceforhimtogethigh."

Ahandsomewomanwithauburnhaircutshort,wearingasilkblouse,cardigan,andwoolpants,saysthatsheisadoctor.Deeplysad,sheadmitsthatformorethanayearsheconductedsurgerieswhilehighonmeth.Sheinitiallytrieditataparty."IfeltbetterthanIhadeverfeltbeforeinmylife,"shesays."IfeltasifIcoulddoanything.Inevereverwantedtolosethatfeeling."

Sheshakesherhead."Andyouknowtherestofthestory.IsnortedsoIcouldworkallnight.IsnortedwhenIwasn'tworking.IknewIhadaproblem,"shecontinues,"butI'monlyherebecauseacolleaguethreatenedtoreportmeifIdidn'tvoluntarilydealwithmyaddiction."

Anotherpatientberatesher."Youperformedsurgerywhileyouwerehigh!Youshouldbereported.Youcouldhavekilledsomeone."

Thecounselorturnstothispatientand,withoutraisinghervoice,says,"Didn'tyousaythatyouhadaDUIandyoufellasleepatthewheel?Youcouldeasilyhavekilledsomeone,too."

Somestoriesarebeyondmycomprehension.Asmall,jittery

womanwhoalmostdisappearsinsideherbulkysweaterandsweatpantsremembersherson'slastbirthday."Iwasoncrack,"sherecalls."Ilefthome,leftmyson,lefthimwithmyhusband.Forcrack.He'sthree."

Awomanwithpaleskin,limpblondhair,andmistygoldeneyestellsthegroupthatajudgesentherhusbandtothisprogramasanalternativetojail.Herhusband,aGIwithbuzzedhairandashort-sleevedshirtbuttoneduptothecollar,sitsrigidlyonherright.Hestaresblanklyahead.

Shesaysthat,highonmeth,heattackedher,bangedherheadagainstthefloor.Shemanagedtodial911beforesheblackedout.Later,whenitishisturntospeak,hethanksGodthatthecourtallowedhimtotryrehabinsteadofjail."IstillcannotbelievethatIattackedmywife,whoIlovemorethanmylife,"hesays."ButnowIunderstandmyproblem.I'mgraduatingnextweekandI'mlookingforwardtocominghomeandbeginninganewlife."

Hiswifewillnotmeethiseyes.Shelookshorror-struck.

Thereisacoffeebreak.

Sittinginthecafeteria,Nic,indicatingthewoman'shusbandwithaflashofhiseyes,tellsKarenandmethatthewifewouldbesaferifhewerelockedup."Heisonescarymotherfucker,"Nictellsus.

Themeetingresumes.Moreheartbreakingstories,moretears.

Attheconclusionofeachsession,thecounseloralwaysasksifanyonehasanythingtosaybeforethegroupadjourns.Familymembersoftensayhowproudtheyareoftheirlovedoneandhowmuchbetterheorsheseems.Fellowpatientssometimescheeronthe

session'ssharers.Thisday,intheroomoffiftyormorepeoplecrowdedtogetherinchairsaroundthesnakingoval,Nicspeaksup.HedirectshiswordstotheGIwhohadattackedhiswife.

"I'msorry,butIhavetosaysomethingtoyou,Kevin,becauseasyousaid,you'resupposedtogetoutofherenextweek."Nicstaresacrosstheroomathim."I'vebeeningroupswithyousinceI'vebeenhere,andthougheveryoneelseseemssincereandopen,genuinelytryingtolearnabouttheiraddiction,therehasbeennoindicationthatyougetwhatthisisabout.Theprogramrequireshumbleness,andyouarearrogant.Itdoesn'tseemthatyoureallyunderstandandadmitthatyou'repowerlessoveryouraddiction.Youconstantlyinterruptpeople.Youtalkalot,butyoudon'tlisten."

ThenNiclooksattheman'swife.Herwide-openeyespourtears.Shetrembleslikeaterrifiedanimal.

Nicspeakstoher."I'msayingthisforyou,becauseI'mworriedthatKevinneedsmoretimebeforehegoeshome.Idon'twantanythingtohappentoyou."

Noone,noteventhecounselor,saysaword.ThemanlooksasifhemightlungeacrossthecircleatNic.Thenheandtherestofusstareathiswife,whoisgaspingforbreathbetweengutturalsobs.Throughhertears,shefinallyspeaksup,steelingherself,sittingtaller,addressingNic."Thankyou,"shesays."Iknow.Idon'ttrusthim."Awomannexttoherputsherarmaroundhershoulder.

Sheturnstowardherhusbandandspeakssharply,wildly,intohisface:"Ifyouevertouchmeorthechildrenagain—"

Shecannotfinishhersentence.Hersobseruptfromherroars.

Themanlooksathiswife.Theexpressiononhisfaceisnotoneofremorseorloveorsorrow.Heappearswoundedandembarrassedandenraged.Hesitserect,hiseyesdartingaroundtheroom.

Finallythecounselorspeaks,endingthesession.Shethankseveryonewhoshared,andsheadjournsus.Kevin'swifemakesastartlingbeelineacrossthecircleand,stillsobbing,hugsNic,thankinghim.

Herhusband,immobileinhischair,glaresmalevolentlyacrosstheroom.

Asweleave,KarenwhisperstoNic,"Watchyourback."

14Intheprogram,patientskeepjournals,andNicsharesanentrywithus:"HowthehelldidIgethere?Itdoesn'tseemthatIlongagothatIwasonthegoddamnwater-poloteam.IwasanIeditoroftheschoolnewspaper,actinginthespringplay,obsessingaboutwhichgirlsIliked,talkingMarxandDostoyevskywithmyclassmates.Thekidsinmyclassareincollege.Thisisn'tsomuchsadasbaffling.Atthetimeitallseemedsopositiveandharmless."

ItisNic'sthirdweekendatthehospital,andIamhereforanotherfamilyvisit.Afterthegroupsessioninthemorning,Nic,onadaypass,willvisittheinnwherewearestaying.

Nicisopenandemotional,evenexpressinghisgratitudeforthechancetogothroughthisprogram.Heseemssincere.Nexthebroachesanewsubject.Hewantstoknowifcollegeisstillanoption.Heknowsthathehasmadeenormousmistakes,buthewilldoanythingifhecanstillgotoHampshire.Heisexcitedabouttheschool.Becauseheunderstandshisdrugproblem,hepromisestoattendAAmeetingsregularlyandtoworkwithasponsor.Hehasbeentoldthatmanycollegeshavesubstance-freedormitories,andhewillrequestone.HeunderstandsthatrelapsewillmeanthatIwillfollowthroughonmythreatandwithdrawmysupportandhewillbeoutofcollegeandonhisown.

Inthecar,aswedrivetotheinntomeetKaren,Jasper,andDaisy,Nictellsmewhatmadehimchangehismind.Othersinhisgrouptherapysessionsheardthathisparentswerewillingtosendhimtocollegeandtheygangeduponhim.Thegeneralconsensuswassummedupbyamanwhosedrinkinganddrugaddictionhadestrangedhimfromhisparentsandsiblings."Areyououtofyour

fuckingmind?"hehowledatNic."Youhaveparents?Theyloveyou?Theyarestillwillingtosendyoutocollege?Gotocollege.Don'tbeafuckingidiot.Iwoulddoanythingforachancetogotocollege."

IthinkoverNic'srequest."KarenandIwilltalkaboutit,"Isay."I'lltalktoyourmom.We'llhavetomakeouragreementclear.Ithinkitmightworkifyoureallywantitandthinkyoucanpullitoff."Istillfantasizethateverythingcanbefine.Nicwillstaysober.Heunderstandshisproblem.ThankGodhehasn'tdonemoredamagetohislife—tohisbodyandbrain—tohisoptionsforthefuture.Hecanstillgotocollege,getadegree,agoodjob,havealovingrelationship...Everythingwillbeallright.

Idrivetotheinn,arundownresortwithgrapevines,acrackedswimmingpool,crackedtenniscourts,andoldhorseswanderingthroughtheproperty.NicisnervouswhenIdrivethroughthegate.ThiswillbehisfirstvisitwithJasperandDaisysinceheenteredOhlhoffnearlythreemonthsago.

NiciselatedatseeingJasperandDaisyand,inspiteoftheirinitialreluctance—thelasttimetheysawNichewascomingdownfromhishighanddepressed,angrilyleavingforOhlhoff—theyarehappytoseehim.Heplayswiththemintheicy-coldwaterandtheybattennisballsbackandforth.IsitatapicnicbenchunderagrapearborandwatchasKarenjoinsthemandthefoursomeplaycroquet.Astheyknocktheballsaround,Nicasksthekidsaboutschoolandtheirfriends,andhetellsstoriesaboutacatthatlivesonthehospitalgrounds.WhenitistimeformetotakeNicbacktothehospital,JasperandDaisyseemperplexed.WecontinuallydoourbesttoexplainwhatisgoingonwithNic,butintheireyesheseemsfine.Theydon'tknowwhyhecan'tcomehomewithus.

OnourwaybacktoSt.Helena,Nictellsmeabouttwoother

eventsoftheweek.Thefirstisdisheartening.Stephenlefttheprogram—simplyandunceremoniouslyleftonemidafternoon,walkingdownthelongroadthatleadsfromthehospitaltoCalistoga.Laterthepatientslearnedthatheimmediatelyrelapsedatabar.Nicwassaddenedbutnotcompletelysurprised."Onthesurface,heseemedcommittedtostayingsober,"hesays."Heknewthatheriskedlosinghiswifeandthatgorgeousbaby.Buthenevertookitthatseriously.Heblamedhiswifefortheirproblems.Blamedhisparents.Blamedeveryonebuthimself.Henevergotit."

Hisothernewsishardertobelieve.Wheneversomeonecompletesthetwenty-eight-dayprogram,agoodbyeceremonyisheldamongthepatients.Thegraduateasksanotherpatientto"standup"andspeakforhimorher,sendingthegraduateoutintotheworld.Theseceremoniesaredesignedtoemboldenthegraduateandinspirenewcomers.

ThemorningKevin,theGI,wastograduate,hehadapproachedNic."Youareabravefucker,"hesaid."Ihavetogiveyouthat."Then,shockingNic,heaskedhimtostandupforhimathisdepartingceremony."Irespectyou,"themansaid."I'vebeenwatchingyouandknowthatofallofus,you'retheonewhoisgoingtomakeit.You'reyoungenoughnottohavefuckedupyourlifetoobad.Youhavealovingfamily.Andyouaresodamnsmart.IwanttomakeitmorethananythingIhaveeverdone.I'mgoingtoprovethatyou'rewrong.I'mgoingtomakeit."

Nicagreed."SoIstoodupforhim,"hesays."IsaidthatIhopeandpraythathemakesit—thatheworkshisprogram.Isaid,'Ihopesoforyouandforyourwifeandchildren.'LaterIwatchedthemleave—heandhiswife.Theybothgavemehugs.Theywereholdinghandswhentheywalkedaway."

Iamnervousaweeklaterwhen,followingNic'sowngraduation,Ipickhimup.Thecarwindowsaredown,theairiswarm.Nicspeaksbrightlyaboutthefuture.Hisoptimismcomesthroughnotonlyinhislucidity,butinthewayheholdshisbody,confidentandstrong,andinhiseyes,whichareonceagainfilledwithlight.Hesaysthatheiscommittedtostayingawayfromdrugs.Isharehishopefulness,butIknowthatsobrietyisfareasierinthesafe,structuredenvironmentofarehabprogram,andsomineisatentativehope.IneedtobelievethateverythingisgoingtobeallrightandatthesametimeIamunabletoacceptthatitwillbe.

Thingsareeasierathome,thoughthereisoccasionaltension.IworrywhenNicleavesthehouseforAAmeetings.Iworrywhenheseemsdistractedordown.Iworrywhen,inAugust,itistimeforhimtoheadofftocollege,thistimethreethousandmilesaway.

HampshireCollegeisonaformerappleorchardthatretainsthefeelingofafarm.Thecollegeoffersanimpressive,stimulatingliberalartsprogramandhundredsofmajorsandcourses.Ifthosearen'tenough,Hampshireispartofafive-collegeconsortium,whichincludestheUniversityofMassachusetts,AmherstCollege,Smith,andMountHolyoke.Niccanpickandchoosefromthecoursesofferedattheothercampuses.Ashuttlebusconnectsthem.

KarenandIflyeastwithNictohelphimsettleinandgetreadyforfreshmanorientation.WeeatattheIndianrestaurantNicandIdiscoveredwhenwetookthecollegetourmorethanayearago.

"Turnrightatthelight,"Nicyells."Right,right,right!"

Inthemorning,wedrivetocampus.Itiswarmandsunny.

Familiesarebusydroppingtheirchildrenoffattheirrespectivedormitoriesinvans,stationwagons,and,inonecase,alimousineloadedwithsuitcases,trunks,astereosystem,adrumset,andseveralcomputers.

Nic'sroominthesober-livingdormitoryissmallbutcomfortable.Afterdroppingoffhissuitcases,wefollowpostedsignstothecenterofcampusforthewelcomingbarbecue.KarenandIsurveytheincomingfreshmenforpotentialdrugdealers.

Attheendofthemeal,variousdeansspeaktotheassembledfamilies.Afterward,Iseekoutthedeanofstudentsandaskheraboutdrugsoncampus,explainingthatmysonhasrecentlybeenthroughtworoundsofrehab.Sheadmitsthatmarijuanaisrampant,butcorrectlynotestheobvious."DrugspervadeeverycollegecampusinAmerica,andeverycity,soayoungadultmustlearntoliveamongthem."

Shedirectsmetotheheadofthecollege'shealthservices,whowritesdownhernameandtelephonenumberandsaysthatshewillhelpNicinanywayshecan.She'llguidehimtotwelve-stepmeetingsandintroducehimtootherstudentsinrecovery."He'snottheonlyone,"shesays."Thereisalotofsupportforpeoplewhowantit."

***

"Hey,Dad,"NicsaysonthephoneafterKarenandIarebackinCalifornia,"it'sme,Nic."

Heiscallingfromhisdorm.Ashespeaks,Iimaginehimwearingaworn-outT-shirt,hispantssagginganddirty,ablackbeltwithmetalstudsholdingthemontohiships,Conversesneakers,andhislongcurlinghairpushedbackoutofhiseyes.Heseemsexcitedabout

hisschool.Hopefulthistime,hopefulasbefore,Icontinuemyacademicfantasyafterwehangup,seehimoncampus,walkingtohisclasseswithhisbackpackon.Icanhearhisvoicespeakingoutindiscussionsaboutdialecticalimperialism,Nietzsche,Kant,andProust.

Amonthlater,hesoundsOK,butIdetecthisnervousbreathing.Beforehehangsup,Ihearhimsigh.Iknowthatthisisnoteasy.Nicisgivingittheoldcollegetry.

Besidesclasses,hehasregularsessionswithadrugandalcoholcounselorrecommendedbytheschool.Aswehadagreed,heattendsAAmeetingsandfindsasponsor,agradstudentattheUniversityofMassachusettswhohasagroupofstudentsovertohishouseeverySundaymorningformuffins,coffee,andameeting.

Hereportsinregularlyandtheweightonmychestbeginstolift.Asthingsgetbacktoseminormal,hetellsmemoreabouthisteachers.Hespeaksaboutnewfriends.HereportsontheAAandNAmeetingsheattendsthroughouttheweek.

Amonthlater,Nicsuddenlystopsreturningmyphonecalls.Iassumehehasrelapsed.Inspiteofhisprotestations,andmaybe(thoughI'mnotsure)hisgoodintentions,andinspiteoftheroominthesubstance-freedorm—whichwasnot,Nicclaimedwithannoyance,substancefree(hereportedthatthesoundsoflateFridayandSaturdaynightsincludedcarousing,falling,stumbling,andthrowingup)—Nichadn'tstoodmuchofachance.

Itwasagamblesendinghimtocollegesosoonafterrehab,buteveryone,includinghiscounselorsatSt.Helena,cheeredtheplan,becausehewassoconvincinglydevotedtoit.

Iaskafriend,whoisvisitingAmherst,tocheckonhim.HefindsNicholedupinhisdormroom,obviouslyhigh.

Ipreparetofollowthroughonmythreatandwithdrawmysupport,butfirstIcalltodiscussitwiththeHampshirehealthcounselor.Iimagineheratherdesk,thetickingheater,snowdriftsoutsidethewindow.

IinformherofNic'srelapse,andwhenIdo,shesurprisesme.Sheadvisespatience,sayingthatoften"relapseispartofrecovery."

Itisacounterintuitiveconcept.It'slikesayingthataplanecrashisgoodtrainingforapilot.AtOhlhoffRecoveryandatSt.Helena,Iheardthatitcanbemoredifficultforaddictstorecoverfromsubsequentrelapsesbecauseoftheprogressivenatureofthedisease.However,itcanandoftendoestaketimeandmistakesforapersontounderstandtheperniciouspowerofaddictionand,moreover,tounderstandhoweasyitistorelapse.Imayhaveheardit,butIhavenotdigestedtheterriblenatureoftheillness,includingitspermanence.ButIhavealsonotfullycomprehendedthatfailure,evenserialfailure,mayleadtosuccess.

"Whileit'struethatamongheavyusers,somewillgothroughtreatmentonceandremaincleanindefinitely,mostwillcyclethroughrepeatedly,justassomesmokersneedmultipletriestokickcigarettesordieterstryoverandovertoslimdown,"saidDr.Rawson."Treatmentcatchesupwithyou,"UCLA'sDouglasAnglin,codirectoroftheUCLADrugAbuseResearchCenter,toldPeggyOrnsteinwhensheinterviewedhimforaNewYorkTimesMagazinearticleaboutrehab."Forheroinuserswithafive-yearhistoryofaddiction,itmaytaketenorfifteenyearstohelpthemcomeoutofit,butifyoustartwhenthey'retwenty-five,bythetimethey'refortythey'reprettymuchrehabbed.Ifyoudon't,mostofthemburnoutbyforty."

Thisisnotcomforting.However,iftreatmentisconceivedofasanongoingprocessratherthanasacure,adifferent,moreoptimistic—andfarmorerealistic—notionofsuccessemerges.AccordingtotheNationalTreatmentImprovementEvaluationStudy,althoughaddictsmayrelapse,ayearaftertreatmenttheirdrugusedecreasesby50percentandtheirillegalactivitydropsasmuchas80percent.Theyarealsolesslikelythanbeforetoengageinhigh-risksexualbehaviorortorequireemergencyroomcare.Otherstudieshaveshownthattheyarelesslikelytobeonwelfareandtheiroverallmentalhealthimproves.

Everyrelapseispotentiallylethal,though.Itisanunsatisfying—andterrifying—factthat,yes,anaddictmay,evenafterrelapse,getandstaysober,ifhedoesn'tdie.

Proddedbymyfriend,Niccalls.Headmitsthathe"fuckedup,"andpromisesthathewillstopusing.

"Nic..."Ihearthetoneinmyvoice,thatsolemn,castigating,disappointedfathertone,andIfeelhimturninstantlydefensive.

"Don'tsayit,Iknow,"hesays."Ihadtogothroughit—tolearn."

Waitingisdifficult,particularlyacoastaway,butIknowthatitwillbeasignificantstepifhecanpullhimselfoutofarelapsewithoutmydragginghimintorehab.

Oftenrelapseispartofrecovery.Isayitagainandagain,rollitaroundinmybrain,andwait.

Hekeepsinclosetouchandcomeshomeforwinterbreak.Itisaneasyvisit.Heseemstobedoingmuch,muchbetter.Heslipped,that'sall.Oftenrelapseispartofrecovery.HebleacheshishairwithClorox,burninghisscalpintheprocess,butheseemsallright.

NicreturnstoHampshireforspringsemesterand,callinghomeoneevening,tellsmehowexcitedheisaboutawritingclasstaughtbyanotedauthorandadmiredteacher."It'svirtuallyimpossibleforfreshmenandsophomorestogetintotheclass,butI'mgoingtotry,"hesays."Iwroteastory—stayedupwritinglastnight—andsubmittedit."TheprofessorwillpostalistofacceptedstudentsonhisofficedooronFriday.

LateFridayafternoon,Niccalls,elatedthathisnamewasonthetyped-outlist,thoughhiswastheonlyonewithanasterisk,correspondingtoanoteatthebottomofthepage.Thefootnoteread:"Comeseeme."

Nicimmediatelywenttotheteacher'soffice.Hewasnervous—"allbutterflies"—whenhesatdownacrossfromtheteacher,whoasked,withoutsmalltalk,ifNicwasanaddict.HesuspecteditbecauseofthesubjectofNic'ssubmission.HehadwrittenfictionalizedaccountsofsomeofthememorablecharactershemetatOhlhoffRecoveryandSt.HelenaHospital.

Nicsaidyes,hewasanaddictinrecovery.

"Here'sthething,"theteachersaid."Ifyoustaysober,I'llworkwithyouandhelpmakeyouabetterwriter.Ifyoudon't,you'reout.It'suptoyou."OnMondayNicshowsup,shakestheteacher'shand.

Fromhistelephoneaccounts,itseemsasifNicisthoroughlyengagedinthisandothercourses.Heseemsstable,attendingregulartwelve-stepmeetingsandworkingwiththesponsor.Itsoundsasifheisstillthrivinginhisclasses,andheisnewlyinlovewithagirlwhodriveshimtomeetings.

IvisitBostoninlatewinter.NicandJulia,hisgirlfriend,comeinfromAmhersttomeetmefordinner.It'sasnowynightwhentheyarriveatmyhotelinCambridge,bundledupinheavycoatsandscarves.

WewalkthroughHarvardSquaretofindasushibar.Theyhavetheirarmstightlywrappedaroundeachother,thetwoofthemintertwined,walkinginstep.Thethreeofushavedinnerandthenwewalkmore.Theytalkwithexcitementaboutbooks—Hegel,Marx,ThomasMann—politicsandmovies.NictrouncesusinthesixdegreesofKevinBacongame,thoughJulianearlystumpshimwith,ofallpeople,HulkHogan.Ittakeshimfiveofthesixdegrees.

"OK,"saysNic,warmingtothechallenge."HewasinRockyIVwithSylvesterStallone,whowasinCopLandwithRayLiotta,whowasinNarcwithJasonPatric,whowasinLostBoyswithKieferSutherland."Nichasonasatisfiedsmile."AndKieferSutherlandwasinFlatlinerswithKevinBacon."

IhavetraveledtoBostonwithaclosefriendofourfamily's,asubjectofabookIamwriting,wholivesandworksinShanghai.Thethreeofusmeethimforcoffee.NicandJuliaimpressmyfriend,andbeforethecoupleheadsbacktoAmherst,heasksifthey'reinterestedinspendingthesummerinChina.HecanhelpsetthemupwithajobteachingEnglishandtheycandovolunteerwork,possiblyatapreschool.Heevenhasaplaceforthemtostay.Theygreettheideawithenthusiasmandgratitude.Flyinghome,Ifeelelated.Nicis

movingonwithhislife.Hehasputhisdrugproblembehindhim.

TheschoolyearwindsdownandtheChinatripisbeingplanned.AfterworkingforsixweeksinShanghai,thepairwilltraveltoYunnanandTibet.Beforehand,NicwillcomehomeinlateMay,whenhewillworktomakesomemoneyforthetrip.ThenJuliawillarriveandtogetherthey'llleaveforChina.Nicseemsthrilledwithallthisandaboutcominghome—mostofallaboutseeingJasperandDaisy.Theyareoverjoyed,too.Hishomecomingismarkedbysometrepidation,butalsopromise,whichiswhyitissodevastatingwhenNicconfessesthetruth:thathehasbeenusingtheentiretimehe'sbeenhome,usingthroughouttheentiresemester.

Heleaves,slammingthedoorbehindhim.Iamstunned.No,Ithink.No,no,no.When,afterschool,JasperandDaisyburstinandcan'tfindtheirbrother,theyask,"Where'sNic?"

"Idon'tknow,"Isay.Icannotstopmytears.

WithNicgone,Isinkintoawretchedandsickeninglyfamiliarmalaise,alternatingwithadebilitatingpanic—everyminutefeelinghisabsence.

Inthemorning,thecross-sticksbelowtheskylightcaststripedbarsalongthecountertops.Isitdownonawindowseatinthelivingroom,readingandrereadingaleadparagraphofanarticle,whenJasper,withscruffybedhead,comesintothelivingroomholdinga

satinbox,inwhichhekeepshissavingsofeightdollars.Helooksperplexed."IthinkNictookmymoney,"hesays.

IlookatJas,hisstronggrowingbodyanduncomprehendingeyes,andholdoutmyarmssohecanclimbontomylap.Howdoyouexplaintoaneight-year-oldwhenhisbelovedbigbrotherstealsfromhim?

PARTIVIfonly

Drunkenness—thatfierceragefortheslow,surepoison,thatoverstepseveryotherconsideration;thatcastsasidewife,children,friends,happiness,andstation;andhurriesitsvictimsmadlyontodegradationanddeath.

—CHARLESDICKENS,SketchesbyBoz

it'sbetternow,deathiscloser,Inolongerhavetolookforit,nolongerhavetochallengeit,tauntit,playwithit.it'srightherewithmelikeapetcatorawallcalendar

—CHARLESBUKOWSKI,"thoughtsonbeing71"

15OnaWednesdaynightinlateMay,KarenandIhireababysitter.Wearegoingout.AnotherdatedevotedtoNic'saddiction.

WereluctantlydriveuptoNovato,aruraltownonthenorthernedgeofMarin,toanAl-Anonmeeting.ThesenightlygatheringsarethelastplaceIeverexpectedtofindmyself.LikeAAmeetings,theyfillchurchbasementsandlibrariesandcommunitycentersthroughoutthecountry.Iamnotajoiner.WhenIcan,Iavoidmeetingsatwhichattendeesareimploredtosharetheirfeelings.AndyetIamhere.

Ikeptourfamily'sproblemasecretforalongtime.Itwasn'tthatIwasashamed.IwantedtoprotectNic—topreserveourfriends'andothers'goodimpressionsofhim.ButIhavelearnedthattheAAadageistrue:you'reassickasyoursecrets.Ihavelearnedhowmuchithelpstotalkaboutmyson'saddictionandreflectonitandhearandreadothers'stories.MostcounselorsinthesessionsthatKarenandIattendedrecommendedAl-Anon.Still,ithastakenusawhiletogo.

Themeetingisheldinadingyroom,withadozenpeoplesittinginplasticchairssetinacircle.Anothercircle.TheyserveFolgerscoffeeandpowderedsugardoughnuts.Overhead,neontubesflickerandhiss,andawobblyfanticksinthecorner.Themeetingiscalledtoorder.Clichés,somemoreannoyingthanothers,spillforth.Al-Anon,likeAA,seemstodependonthem.Theysay:"LetgoandletGod."AndthosethreeCsthathelpevenifIcannotalwaysbelievethem:"Youdidn'tcauseit,youcan'tcontrolit,andyoucan'tcureit."Nomatterwhattheysay,partofmebelievesthatitismyfault.Itwaseasyformetostoptakingdrugs,butNiccouldnotstop.MaybeIstartedhimoffbygivinghim,alongwithmyhypocriticalwarningsaboutdrugs,tacitpermissiontousethem.NowIlookbackinhorror

onthetimeIsmokedwithhim.Addictswanttoblamesomeone,andmanyhaveplentyofpeoplereadytotaketheblame.WhateverIdidwasdonenaivelyandstupidlyandbecauseofmyimmaturity,butitdoesn'tmatter.Iblamemyself.Peopleoutsidecanvilifyme.Theycancriticizeme.Theycanblameme.Niccan.ButnothingtheycansayordoisworsethanwhatIdotomyselfeveryday."Youdidn'tcauseit."Idonotbelieveit.

Myfirstimpulseinthemeetingiscondescension.Ilookaroundwithsomethingborderingonloathingandthink,WhatamIdoingwiththesewomenintintedhairandpantsuitsandlarge-belliedmeninbutton-upshort-sleevedshirtsandchinos?BythetimeIleave,however,Ifeelanaffinitywitheveryonehere—theparentsandchildrenandhusbandsandwivesandloversandbrothersandsistersofthedrug-addicted.Myheartbreaksforthem.

Iamoneofthem.

Ihavenointentionofspeaking,butthenIdo."Mysonisgone,"Isay."Idon'tknowwhereheis."Tears.Ican'tgetoutanotherword.Iammortifiedbymypublicdisplay,butIamalsohugelyrelieved.

Asthemeetingwindsdown,theyrepeattheSerenityPrayer:"GodgrantmetheserenitytoacceptthethingsIcannotchange,couragetochangethethingsIcan,andthewisdomtoknowthedifference.

PleasepleasepleasegrantmetheserenitytoacceptthethingsIcannotchange,couragetochangethethingsIcan,andthewisdomtoknowthedifference.

Irepeatitsilently.

Thentheychant,"Keepcomingback."

Igoback,thistimetoaswankierneighborhood.Thereisbettercoffee.FromPeet's.Thereis,finally,anamusingstory.Amaninapeachwindbreakersaysthattokeephismedications—theZoloft,beta-blockers,high-blood-pressurepills,sleepingpills,Viagra—outofhisson'shands,heconsolidatedthemintoasinglehiddenbottle.Theothersintheroomnodappreciatively:weknowabouthidingmedications(andliquor)fromourrelatives.

Themansaysthatonedayhehadtorushoutthedoorbeforeapresentationandpoppedabeta-blockerfromthebottle.Atleast,hehadplannedtotakeabeta-blocker.Instead,heswallowedaViagratablet.Itkickedinjustashewasabouttostandupinfrontofagrouptospeak.Therewasnopodiumtohidebehind.

Themirthevaporateswhenanextremelyshywoman,whomentionsher"practice,"somaybesheisadoctororalawyer,revealsinafracturedvoicethatshetriedtokillherselfafewdaysago.Shehaspale,almostgreen,skin,nomakeup,bristlyhair,andeyeshauntedbysleeplessness.ShesaysthatshedrovetotheGoldenGateBridgeandparked.Shethenwalkedfromhercaroutontothebridge."Thewindcutintome,tearsstreameddownmyface,andIlookeddownatthewater,"shesaid."Iwouldhavehadtoclimbupoverafence,andtherewasnettingontheotherside.Iwouldhavehadtomanagetoclimboverit,too.Idecideditwouldbeeasiertogetagun.Myfatherhasone.Hekeepsitlockedinadrawernearhisbedatmyparents'home.Ihaveakey.Tothehouseandthedrawer.Agunwouldbequicker.Notsocold."

Shewalkedbackalongthebridgetowhereshelefthercar,butcouldn'timmediatelyfindit.Shethoughtshemusthaveforgottenwhereshehadparked.Shelookedaroundthelot,buthercarwasgone.Shelookedupatapostedsign.Shehadparkedinano-parkingzone.Thecarhadbeentowed.

"Itwassosick,Istartedlaughing,"shesays."Ilaughedandcriedatthesametime.That'swhenitstruckmethatIcan'ttakemylifeaslongasIcanstilllaugh."

Tearsstreamdownhercheeks,andtherestofuscryalongwithher.

IambackinNovatoforanothermeetinginthechurch.Irecognizemanyofthepeopleherenow.Wehugoneanother.Elsewhere,everyoneaskshowI'mdoing.Here,theyknow.

Amotherrockslightlyasshespeaks.Istareatthewhitetiledfloor,sittinghunchedinthegraymetalchairwithmyhandsfoldedonmylap.Thewoman,inaplainbusinesssuit,sipscoffeefromapapercup.Herlonghairisplaited,andshewearsatouchofpeachrougeandblackeyeliner.Inashakyvoice,shetellsusthatherdaughterisinjailforuptotwoyearsafteradrugbust.Thewomancontracts,getssmallerinherchair.Sheburstsintotears.

EverywhereIgonowtherearetears.

Tearseverywhere.

Shesays:"I'mhappy.Iknowwheresheis.Iknowshe'salive.LastyearweweresoexcitedthatshewasenrolledatHarvard.NowI'mrelievedthatshe'sinjail."

Awhite-hairedmotherjumpsintosaythatsheknowshowtheotherwomanfeels."EachdayIthankGodthatmydaughterisinjail,"shesays."IexpressmygratitudetoGod.Shewassentencedsix

monthsagoforusinganddealingdrugsandforprostitution."Shecatchesherbreathandsaystoherselfasmuchastothegroup,"Wheresheissafer."

Ithink:Sothisiswhereweget.Notallofus,ofcourse.Butsomeofuscometoaplacewherethegoodnewsisthatourchildrenareinjail.

Ican'tcontrolit,andIcan'tcureit,andyetIcontinuetothinktheremustbesomethingIcando."Onemomentasparkofhopegleams,thenextaseaofdespairrages;andalwaysthepain,thepain,alwaystheanguish,thesamethingonandon,"wroteTolstoy.

Idon'thearfromNic,andeachhourandeachdayandeachweekisquiettorturelikeaphysicalpain.MuchofthetimeIfeelasifIamonfire.Itmaybetruethatsufferingbuildscharacter,butitalsodamagespeople.ThepeopleintheAl-Anonmeetingsaredamaged,someofthemvisiblybutallofthempsychically.Atthesametime,theyalsoaresomeofthemostopenandaliveandgivingpeopleIhaveevermet.

AstheycounselinAl-Anon,Itryto"detach"—toletgoandletGod.Howdoesanyparentletgo?Ican't.Idon'tknowhow.

HowcouldIhavefailedtoknowthatNicwasusingthroughoutthesepastmonths,evenwhenhewasinourhome?Ihavebeensotraumatizedbyhisaddictionthatthesurrealandtherealhavebecomeoneandthesame.Ican'tdistinguishthenormalfromtheoutrageousanymore.IamsogoodatrationalizinganddenyingthatIcannottellwhereoneendsandtheotherbegins.Ormaybeit'sonlythat,with

practice,addictsbecomeflawlesslygiftedliars,andthiscoincideswithparents'increasingsusceptibilitytotheirlies.IbelievedNicbecauseIwantedtobelievehim—Iwasdesperatetobelievehim.

Whathappenedtomyson?WheredidIgowrong?AccordingtoAl-Anon,itisnotmyfault.ButIfeelsolelyresponsible.Irepeatthelitany:ifonlyIhadsetstricterlimits;ifonlyIhadbeenmoreconsistent;ifonlyIhadprotectedhimmorefrommyadultlife;ifonlyIhadnotuseddrugs;ifonlyhismotherandIhadstayedtogether;ifonlysheandIhadlivedinthesamecityafterthedivorce.

Iknowthatthedivorceandcustodyarrangementwerethemostdifficultaspectsofhischildhood.Childrenofdivorceusedrugsandalcoholbeforetheageoffourteenmoreoftenthanthechildrenofintactfamilies.Inonestudy,85percentofchildrenofdivorcewereheavydrugusersinhighschoolcomparedto24percentofthosefromintactfamilies.Girlswhoseparentshavedivorcedhaveearliersexualexperiences,andkidsofbothsexessufferahigherrateofdepression.Sincemorethanhalfoffirstmarriagesand65percentofsecondmarriagesendindivorce,fewofuswanttofacethefactthatdivorceisoftenadisasterforchildrenandmayleadtodrugabuseandotherseriousproblems.Butmaybeit'sludicroustospeculate,sincemanykidswhogothroughdivorces—somefarmorecontentiousthanmine—don'tresorttodrugs.AndmanydrugaddictsImeetarefromintactfamilies.There'snowaytoknowdefinitively.Werewecrazierthanmostfamilies?Notbyalongshot.Maybe.

WhatelsecanIblame?SometimesIthinkprivilegedkidsareprimecandidatesfordrugaddictionformanyobviousreasons,butwhataboutthelegionsofaddictswhogrewupindirepoverty?Itwouldbeeasytoblametheirpoverty,ifitwerenotthecasethatweencounteredchildrenfromeverysocioeconomicclassinrehabsandAAmeetings.Iwouldblameprivateschoolsifpublicschoolkidshad

fewerdrugproblems.Instead,theresearchconfirmsit.Addictionisanequal-opportunityaffliction—affectingpeoplewithoutregardtotheireconomiccircumstance,theireducation,theirrace,theirgeography,theirIQ,oranyotherfactor.Probablyaconfluenceoffactors—apotentbutunknowablecombinationofnatureandnurture—mayormaynotleadtoaddiction.

SometimesIknowthatnothingandnooneistoblame.ThenIslipandfeelutterlyresponsible.ThensometimesIknowthattheonlythingthatisknowableisthatNichasaterribledisease.

Istillhaveadifficulttimeacceptingit.Ireplaytheargumentsonbothsides.Peoplewithcanceroremphysemaorheartdiseasedon'tlieandsteal.Someonedyingofthosediseaseswoulddoanythingintheirpowertolive.Buthere'stherubofaddiction.Byitsnature,peopleafflictedareunabletodowhat,fromtheoutside,appearstobeasimplesolution—don'tdrink.Don'tusedrugs.Inexchangeforthatonesmallsacrifice,youwillbegivenagiftthatotherterminallyillpeoplewouldgiveanythingfor:life.

But,saysDr.Rawson,"Asymptomofthisdiseaseisusing.Asymptomisbeingoutofcontrol.Asymptomistheneedtofeedthecraving."Itisaforcesopowerfulthatoneaddictinameetingcomparedittothe"needofastarvingbabytosucklehismother—usingwasnomoreandnolessofachoicethanthat."

There'sapracticalreasonforpeopletounderstandthataddictionisadisease—insurancecompaniescoverdiseasesandpayfortreatment.It'sgoodtheydo,becauseifyouwaituntilthediseaseprogresses,anditwill,youenduppayingforreplacedliversandheartsandkidneys,nevermindthementalillnessesofaddictswhodescendintopsychosisanddementia,andnevermindthecostsofdestroyedfamilieswhocannotwork,andnevermindthecostsof

addiction-relatedcrime.

Somepeopleremainunconvinced.Forthem,addictionisamoralfailing.Userswanttogethigh,pureandsimple.Nooneforcesthemto."I'mnotdisputingthefactthatcertainareasofthebrainlightupwhenanaddictthinksaboutorusescocaine,"saidSallySatel,staffpsychiatristattheOasisDrugTreatmentClinicinWashington,D.C.,andafellowattheAmericanEnterpriseInstitute."Butitconveysthemessagethataddictionisasbiologicalaconditionasmultiplesclerosis.Truebraindiseaseshavenovolitionalcomponent."

ButIremindmyself:NicisnotNicwhenheisusing.ThroughoutthisordealIstrivetounderstandthisforcethathasshanghaiedmyson'sbrain,andIsometimeswonderifhisrecidivismisamoralfailingoracharacterflaw.Isometimesalsoblamethetreatmentprograms.AndthenIblamemyself.Igobackandforth.ButIalwayscomebacktothis:

IfNicwerenotillhewouldnotlie.

IfNicwerenotillhewouldnotsteal.

IfNicwerenotillhewouldnotterrorizehisfamily.

Hewouldnotforsakehisfriends,hismother,Karen,Jasper,andDaisy,andhewouldnotforsakeme.Hewouldnot.Hehasadisease,butaddictionisthemostbafflingofalldiseases,uniqueintheblame,shame,andhumiliationthataccompanyit.

ItisnotNic'sfaultthathehasadisease,butitishisfaultthatherelapses,sinceheistheonlyonewhocandotheworknecessarytopreventrelapse.Whetherornotit'shisfault,hemustbeheldaccountable.Whilethisongoing,whirringnoisereplaysinmymind,I

understandwhen,atSt.Helena,Nicadmittedthathesometimeswishedthathehadanyotherillness,becausenoonewouldblamehim.Andyetcancerpatients,forexample,wouldbejustifiablydisgustedbythis.Allanaddictoralcoholichastodoisstopdrinking,stopusing!There'snosimilaroptionforcancer.

Parentsofaddictshavethesameproblemastheirchildren:wemustcometotermswiththeirrationalityofthisdisease.Noonewhohasnotconfronteditcancompletelyunderstandtheparadoxes.Sincemostpeoplecannotfathomit,there'snotrueunderstanding,justpitythatmaycomewiththinlyveiledcondescension.OutsideAl-Anonmeetings,orapartfromtheparentswhoheardwhatweweregoingthroughandcalledtocommiserate,Ioftenfeltseparate,withanearlyimpossibletaskofstoppingmymindfromitsattempttounderstand.VanMorrisonsings:"Itain'twhy,why,why.Itain'twhy,why,why.Itjustis."

Itjustis.

Still,believingthataddictionisadiseasehelps.Dr.NoraVolkow,thedirectoroftheNationalInstituteonDrugAbuse,hassaid:"I'vestudiedalcohol,cocaine,methamphetamine,heroin,marijuanaandmorerecentlyobesity.There'sapatternincompulsion.I'venevercomeacrossasinglepersonthatwasaddictedthatwantedtobeaddicted.Somethinghashappenedintheirbrainsthathasledtothatprocess."

Nic'sgrandfatheroncecametovisitus—yearsagowhenVickiandIlivedforayearinLosAngeles.Onthewaytoourapartmentfromtheairport,heaskedustostopatastoresohecouldbuycigarettes.He

triedtosneakit,butwesawthathehadabottleofbourboninthepapersack.Bytheendofdinner,thebottlewasdrained.Withintwoyears,hewasdead.Hehadbeenakind,loving,andhard-workingfamilyman,afarmer,whoselifehadtragicallydeteriorated.Butbecauseitwasalcohol,ratherthanspeedorheroin,hisdebilitationtookdecades.Hewasinhissixtieswhenhedied."Alcoholdoesthesamedamageoveramuchlongerterm,"someonesaidinameeting."Drugsgetitoverquicker.That'stheonlydifference."

Otherthanthepotencyandtoxicityoftheirdrugsofchoice,ultimatelythedifferencesbetweenusingaddictsandalcoholicsbecomemoot;theyendupinthesameplace,similarlydebilitated,similarlyalone—similarlydead.

IamreadingBridesheadRevisited,andI'mstruckthatahundredyearsagoWaughwrote,"WithSebastianitisdifferent."Juliaisspeakingaboutherbrother."Hewillbecomeadrunkardifsomeonedoesnotcometostophim...Itisintheblood...IseeitinthewaySebastiandrinks."

Brideshead:"Youcan'tstoppeopleiftheywanttogetdrunk.Mymothercouldn'tstopmyfather."

Substituteafewwordsandtheyarediscussingmyson:"WithNicitisdifferent.Hewillbecomeanaddictifsomeonedoesnotcometostophim...Itisintheblood...Iseeitinthewayheuses."

"Youcan'tstoppeopleiftheywanttogethigh."

Afteryouspendsometimeinrecoveryprograms,youneverlookthesamewayatadrunkorastoner,whetheratapartyorinbooksormovies.HunterThompson'saccountsofhisgluttonousdrugginganddrinkingarenolongerfunnytome.Theyarepathetic.Thereis

nothingamusingaboutNickCharlesquaffingmartinis—swallowingthematbreakfast,atlunch,atdinner;between,before,andaftereverymeal—intheThinManmovies.("Comeon,dear,let'sgetsomethingtoeat,"Nicksays."I'mthirsty.")Inoneofthesefilms,Norajokesthatherhusbandisadipsomaniac.Heis.Manypeoplewerecharmedbythe2005movieSideways,aboutawineenthusiast,butIwasrepulsed.Tome,itwasthestoryofawretchedalcoholic.

Therearefunctioningalcoholicsjustastherearefunctioningaddicts,atleastfunctioninguntiltheydon't.Maybetheonlydifferencebetweenthemandwinosanddrugged-outbumsonthestreetissomemoney—enoughforrent,utilities,ameal,andthenextdrink.

Somepeoplemaintainthatdesignatingaddictionasabraindiseaseratherthanabehavioraldisordergivesaddicts,whethertheyareusingalcohol,crack,heroin,meth,orprescriptiondrugs,anexcusetorelapse.AlanI.Leshner,formerdirectorofNIDAwhoisnowthechiefexecutiveofficeroftheAmericanAssociationfortheAdvancementofScience,agreesthataddictsshouldnotbeletoffthehook."Thedangerincallingaddictionabraindiseaseispeoplethinkthatmakesyouahaplessvictim,"wroteDr.LeshnerinIssuesinScienceandTechnologyin2001."Butitdoesn't.Foronething,sinceitbeginswithavoluntarybehavior,youdo,ineffect,giveittoyourself."

Dr.Volkowdisagrees."Ifwesayapersonhasheartdisease,areweeliminatingtheirresponsibility?No.We'rehavingthemexercise.Wewantthemtoeatless,stopsmoking.Thefactthattheyhaveadiseaserecognizesthattherearechanges,inthiscase,inthebrain.Justlikeanyotherdisease,youhavetoparticipateinyourowntreatmentandrecovery.WhataboutpeoplewithhighcholesterolwhokeepeatingFrenchfries?Dowesayadiseaseisnotbiological

becauseit'sinfluencedbybehavior?Noonestartsouthopingtobecomeanaddict;theyjustlikedrugs.Noonestartsouthopingforaheartattack;theyjustlikefriedchicken.Howmuchenergyandangerdowewanttowasteonthefactthatpeoplegaveittothemselves?Itcanbeabraindiseaseandyoucanhavegivenittoyourselfandyoupersonallyhavetodosomethingabouttreatingit."

ItrynottoblameNic.

Idon't.

SometimesIdo.

16OnthissunnyJunemorning,thoughhepromisedJasperandDaisy,Nicisnotintheaudienceattheirstep-upceremony.

Theheadoftheirschool,inacamel-coloredsportsjacketandbrightnecktie,hasawarmsmile,eyesthatbetrayhisboundlessaffectionforhischarges,andavoicethatsoothes.Hebeamsalongwiththechildrenandtheirparents.Standingbehindamicrophone,heconductstheceremony,callingthemgradebygrade.Athisinstruction,theystandandthenmoveenmassefromthestepthey'resittingontothenexthigherrow.Jasper,inacollaredwhiteshirt,hisbrownhaircombeddownonhisforehead,radiatesupthereamonghisfriends.Heisnowathirdgrader.

Theheadmastersays:

"Willthisyear'sfirstgraderspleasestand."

Theydo.Andthenhesays:

"Willnextyear'ssecondgraderspleasestepup."

Nowit'sDaisy'sgrade'sturn.

"Willthisyear'skindergartenclasspleasestand."

Daisy,inasoftbluedresswithsmocking—thedresswasNancy'swhenshewasalittlegirl—risesalongwithherclassmates.

"Willnextyear'sfirst-gradeclasspleasestepup."

Thereisthunderousapplauseandfootstomping.Thisisthe

school'stradition.Daisyandtheotherkindergarteners,whentheystepuptofirstgrade,aregreetedbyadeafeningroar.It'sapoignantmomentwhenthebottomtierisemptyexceptforthekindergartenteachers,whoarealone,anticipatingafreshgroupoffive-year-oldswhowillarriveinthefall.

Insidemethereisasearingvoid.Thecontradictionbetweentheinnocenceofthechildrenupthereandmyabsentsonisalmosttoomuchtocontaininsideonebrainatonetime.

Afterthestep-upceremonycomespeechesandthecommencementoftheeighthgraders,whowillbeginhighschoolinthefall.Iamnottheonlyparentwithtears,butIcannothelpthinkingthatmineareunique.IwatchJasperandDaisydressedup—Jasperinthewhiteoxfordwithitsitchycollar,Daisyinhergrandmother'sdress,whitesocks,andMaryJanes—standingwiththeirclassmates,immaculate,nervous,andexcited,andIrememberNicshining,too,standingtall,hislifeaheadofhim.Wherecanhebe?

Outside,theskyisstreakedwithsmearsofblue,butthesignthatthestormhaspassed—andthatsummeriscoming—doesnotliftmymood.Iaminthekitchenboilingwaterfortea.Thephonerings.Myanxiousreactionisrecognizable.Whoelsewouldcallthisearlyinthemorning?ItmustbeNic.AndyetasIreachforthetelephone,Itellmyself,"No,it'snotNic,"soastowardoffthebitterdisappointmentwhenitisn't.

Itisn't.

"It'sSylviaRobertson,"awomansays,hervoicechirpy."I'm

Jonathan'smother.I'mtheteammomfortheAngryTuna."

Jasper'sswimteammomasksifwecanworkatthesnackbaratnextweekend'smeet.

"Ofcourse.We'dbehappyto."

Ibegintohangup.

"GoAngryTuna,"shesaysgaily.

"GoAngryTuna."

Thekitchenisstill.

Alongwithchinaandteacupsandglassware,aphotographdominatestheopenshelvesoverthesink.Inthesnapshot,weareonaboatonalakesomewhere.Myfather,wearingsunglassesandafisherman'shat,wavesandsmiles.Daisy,onKaren'slap,isababy.Herfaceishiddenunderneathawide-brimmedsunhat.Theboysareintheforeground,smilingatthecamera.Jasper,whojustgotahaircutsothathisbrownbangsrimhiseagerface,andNic,withashortbuzzandgleamingbraces.Myboys.Thepicturehasastampontheback,1012'96,whichputsNicatfourteen.

Whereishe?

Meanwhile,overthehill,atKaren'sparents'canyonsidehome,Donhasjustemergedfromhislairandhesettlesintohisregularsunnycornerofthelivingroom.WearingoldboatshoesandathreadbareT-shirtandshorts,hesitsinarattanchairreadingaboutAdmiralLordNelson.Nancyisbusydownthewindingpathwayinhergardenwhenitdawnsonherthatthewashisprobablydone.Her

pruningshearstuckedintoaleatherholsteronabelt,shetrudgesuptothehouse.

Removinghergardeninggloves,Nancyentersthroughthelowerdoorintothedownstairsandgoesintothepackedbasementwithitsdistinctivesmellofmoldandlaundrysoap.Pastthewashingmachineandtheclothesdryer,thereisasewingroomandasmallbedroom,herson'swhenhewasateenager.Therearebowsmountedonthewallthatweregiftsfromfriends—membersoftheBlackfootIndiantribe—toherparents.Theroomisnowasparewherethegrandchildrensleepwhentheyspendthenight.

Beforeshecantransfertheloadofcleansheetsandpillowcasestothedryer,shehastounloadthetumbleofcleanclothes.Shepilesthem,forlaterfolding,onthebed.

Andgasps.There'sabodyunderapileofwoolenblankets.Gatheringherself,shelookscloser,seesthatit'sNic,avibratingskeleton,sleeping,undisturbedbyhercry.

"Nic,"sheexclaims."Whatare..."

Haunted,withblackeyes,fullydressedinjeansandalong-sleevedshirt,Niclooksather.Hesitsup.

"What?Nan..."

Bothofthemarestunned.

"Whatareyoudoing?"

"Nancy,"hebegins."I..."

"Areyouallright?"

Hegetsup,grabshisbag,stammers,apologizes.

"Nic,no,"Nancysays."It'sallright.It'sjustthatyouscaredmetodeath."

"I'm...I'msorry."

"Nic,areyouondrugs?"

Hesaysnothing.

"Youcanstayanytimeyouwant.It'sallright.Justtellme.Don'tsneak.Youalmostgavemeaheartattack."

Heleavestheroomandheadsupthestairs.Shefollowshim.

"Haveyoueaten?CanImakeyousomething?"

"No,thanks.Maybeabanana.Ifit'sallright."

"Nic...WhatcanIdotohelp?"

Therearetearsinhereyes.Sheblinks."JusttellmewhatIcando."

Nicmumblessomethingincoherent,anapology,andtakesabananafromthebasketinthekitchen.HesaysthankyouandmuttersI'msorryandthenwalksbrisklyoutthefrontdoorandupthedriveway.

"Nic!"

Shehurriesafterhim,callstohim,buthedoesn'tstop.

BythetimeNancyreachesthestreet,he'sgone.

Nancycallstotellmewhathappened.BynowDonishoveringnearby,listeningtothenews.Nancyhaseveryrighttobefurious,butsheapologizestome."I'msorry,"shesays."Ididn'tknowwhattodo."

Iassureherthattherewasnothingtodo.

"I'msorryhescaredyou,"Isay."I'msorryyouhadtoseehimlikethat."

Nancyisn'tlistening."Itriedtogethimtostay,"shesays."Helooked..."Shestopsherselfandbecomeschokedup."Itmakesmesodamnmad!"

Onacrispafternoonafewdaysafterthestep-upceremony,I'mataparkwhereDaisy'sgradeishavinganend-of-the-school-yearparty.Afriend—ateacherandDaisy'sfriend'sfather—isleadingthechildreninagameofhisinventioninspiredbyJ.K.Rowling.HisversionofquidditchinvolvesfourballsofvaryingsizessubstitutingforthebludgersandquafflesandaFrisbeeforthegoldensnitch.

Iampresent,butIamabsent.Parentscanonlybeashappyastheirunhappiestchild,accordingtoanoldsaw.I'mafraidit'strue.

Outofbreath,Daisyrunsuptome."Weneedyouonourteam,"shesays."Comeon."Shegrabsmyhandandpullsmeintothegame.

Thereisnonewsforanotherweek,andthenNiccallshisgodfather,whoinviteshimovertohishousenearTwinPeaks.AghastatNic'sappearance—"helookslikehecouldblowawayinastrongwind"—hecookshimapotroast,whichNicdevours.HebegsNictogethelp.

"I'llbefine,I'vestoppedusing,"Niclies."Ijustneedtobeonmyownforawhile."

AfterNicleaves,myfriendcalls.Hetellsmeaboutthevisitandthengrowsquiet."AtleastIgothimtoeatsomething,"hesays.

There'snonewsforafortnight,nothingbutaperpetualstateofanxiety.

AgainIcheckjailstoseeifhehasbeenarrested.AgainIcallhospitalemergencyrooms.ThenKaren'sbrotherseeshim,orthinksheseeshim,onHaightStreet,huddlingonastreetcorner,shifty,jittery,andsuspicious-looking.

1ambesidemyself—uncomprehending,terrified.NothinginmylifehaspreparedmefortheincapacitatingworrywhenIdon'tknowwhereheis.IimagineNiconthestreetsofSanFrancisco,likeawildanimal,woundedanddesperate.Likesomeoff-the-deep-endanesthesiologistpresidingoverhisownbrainsurgery,Nictryingtomanagetheflowofdrugsinordertoachieveahigh,whichrapidlyandnecessarilybecomeslessabouteuphoriaandmoreaboutavoidingthehellofwithdrawal.

Inthedraweroftheolddeskinhisroom,Ifindascribbledjournalentryinamarbledcompositionnotebookthatlistsatypicalday'smenu.

1½gramsspeedaneighthounceofmushrooms2klonopin3codeine2valium2hitsofe

Backinmyoffice,Itrytowrite,butI'mcatatonic.Karencomesinandseesme,sittingandstaring,andshesighs.Sheisholdingasmallslipofpaper.

"Look,"shesays,handingmeacanceledcheck.It'smadeouttoNic.Theshakysignatureisanobviousforgery.

Isay,"Hewouldn't..."butevenasIsayit,IknowI'mwrong.KarendearlylovesNic,andsheisstunnedandwoundedandfuming.

"PoorNic,"Isay."Hewouldn'tdothisifhewasinhisrightmind."

"PoorNic?"

Sheangrilyturnstoleavetheroom.Icallafterher,"ButthisisnotNic."

Shelooksatmeandshakesherhead.Shedoesn'twanttohearit.Ican'tmakeexcusesforhimmuchlonger.

Ispendseveralmorenightsinanguishanddread.

Then,onenight,thekidsasleep,Karenhavingreadtothemfrom

theArabianNights,shehasthenewspaperinbedandIamwritinginmyofficewhenIhearsomething.

Thefrontdoor?

Witharacingheart,IgotoinvestigateandcollidewithNicinthehallway.

Hegruntshardlya"hey,"thenrushespastme,aimingforhisbedroom,thoughhestopsbrieflywhenIdemand,"Nic?Wherehaveyoubeen?"

Heactsputupon,snarling,"What'syourproblem?"

"Iaskedyouaquestion.Wherehaveyoubeen?"

Herespondswithalltheincredulousindignationhecanmuster,thenpeersoverhisshoulderatme,mumbles"Nowhere,"andcontinuesintohisroom.

"Nic!"Ifollowhim,enteringthesmokyredcavern,whereNicisopeningandslammingdresserdrawers.Hiseyesscanthebookshelvesinthecloset.HehasonaT-shirt,red,faded,andripped-upjeans.HisredPurcellsareuntied.Nosocks.Hismovementsarefrantic.He'sobviouslysearchingforsomething—Iassumemoney,drugs.

"Whatareyoudoing?"

Heglaresatme.

"Don'tworry,"hesays."I'vebeensoberforfivedays."

Igrabhisbag,whichhehassetonthebed,unzipit,andrummagethroughthepocketsofhisjeans,unrollinghissocks,shakingout

blankets,andunscrewingaflashlight.(Itisfilledwithbatteries.)WhileIdothis,Nicleansonthedoorjamb,blanklywatching,hisarmsfoldedacrosshischest.Finally,withabarelyperceptibleacridsmirk,hesays,"Youcanstop,OK."Hegathersupapileofclothes,stuffsthembackintothecanvasbag."I'mleaving."

Iaskhimtositdownandtalk.

"Ifit'saboutrehab,there'snothingtosay."

"Nic—"

"Nothingtosay."

"Youhavetotryagain.Nic.Lookatme."

Hedoesn't.

"You'rethrowingeverythingaway."

"It'sminetothrowaway."

"Don'tthrowitaway."

"There'snothingtothrowaway."

"Nic!"

Hepushespastmeandwithoutlookingupsays,"I'msorry."Herushesdownthehall.

WhenhepassesKaren,hesays,"Hey,Mama,"andshestaresathim,uncomprehending.

Karenstandswithme,stillholdingthenewspaper.We'rebothlookingoutthewindowashedisappearsdownthedesertedstreet.

Shortoftacklinghim,whatcanIdo?

ThoughIwanttoholdontohim,andthoughIdreadthehauntingvacancyanddebilitatingworrywhenhe'sgone,Idon'tdoathing.

IamawakeatfourA.M.,alongwithotherparentsofdrug-addictedchildren,childrenwhoare—wedon'tknowwhere.

Itisanotherinterminablebig-moonnight.SuddenlyIthink,It'sNic'sbirthday.Todaymysonturnstwenty.

Ifightoffstabbingurgestosecond-guessmyself.TheremusthavebeensomethingIcouldhavetried.Ishouldneverhavelethimleave.Ishouldtrytofindhim.

Bynowwehavebeentoldahundredtimesthatdrugaddictionisaprogressivedisease.Istilldon'tquitegetituntilthenextmorningwhenthephonerings.It'sJulia,Nic'sgirlfriend,whomImetlastwinterinBoston.Now,withNicgone,theirChinaplansbythewayside,sheiscallingfromherfamily'shomeinVirginia,hervoicebreakingup.Shehasbeencrying."Nicstolehypodermicneedlesfrommymom'shousewhenwevisitedherelastmonth,"shetellsme.

"Needles?"

"Theywereforhercancermedication.Healsostolemorphine."Shesobs.

"Idon'tknowwhattosay."

"Idon'teither."

Afterapause,shesays:"Icantellyouonething.Don'thelphim.Don'tgivehimanymoney.He'lltryeverythingtogetyoutohelphim.Thenhismom.Ifyouhelphim,itwillonlykillhimfaster.It'soneofthefewlessonswelearnedfrommysister'saddiction."

"Ihadnoidea.I'manidiot.Ithoughthewasdoingbetter.Ithoughthegotthroughtheyearatschoolsober."

"Youwantedtobelievehimjustlikeme."

Sheisabouttohangupthephone.

"Fromourfamily'sexperiencewithmysister,thebestadviceIcangiveyouistotakecareofyourself."

"Youtakecareofyourself,too."

Evenaftereverythingwehavebeenthrough,Iamstunned.Nicisinjectingdrugs—shootingthemintohisarms,armsthatnotthatlongagothrewbaseballsandbuiltLegocastles,armsthatwrappedaroundmyneckwhenIcarriedhissleepybodyinfromthecaratnight.

WehavepromisedtotakethelittlekidstotheMontereyBayAquariumthenextday.Thedisparitybetweenourtwoworlds

continuestostunandoverwhelm.Sometimesitseemsasifitisimpossiblethatbothworldscoexist.

Thereisnopointinsittingathomewaitingforthetelephonethatdoesn'tring.

Westrivetocarryonwithourlives.

WedrivetoMonterey,stoppingonthewayinSantaCruz,wherewehikedownacliff,followingaseriesofjaggedfootholds,toacavejustabovethefoamingandchurningPacific.Thelowerrocksareslipperywithseawater.ThekidsswimnearbyatCowlesBeach.Mychildren—allthreeofthem—seemascomfortableintheoceanasonland.Theyarelikedolphins.

Attheaquarium,wewatchafilmofalanguidbayandhundredsoffeedingcormorants.Thebirdsseemtobeplayingandsplashinginthesurf.Then,outofnowhere,thewatereruptswithevilgray,amouthfulofteeth,agreatwhiteshark,andacormorantisswallowedwhole.Theshark'stailwhipsaroundlikeasnappingropeanddisappears.

Ifeellikethecormorant.Asharkhasappearedfromthedepths.Istareatitandhelplesslyseetheapproach—andwithittheprecariousnessofNic'slife—seehowcloseheistodying.Asphysicallysickastheimagemakesme,Icannotfenditoff.

Aftertheaquarium,wedrivesouthonHighway1toCarmel,wherethekidsplayonthebeachandthen,inapark,climbonanancientmadronewithbarkpeelingofflikeanoldsunburn.Watchingthem,Irelaxforamoment,butanxietyhastakenuppermanentresidenceinmybody.

Wearedrivinghome.WedonottalkaboutNic.It'snotthatwe're

notthinkingabouthim.Hisaddictionanditstwin,thespecterofhisdeath,permeatetheairwebreathe.KarenandItrytogirdourselvesincasethenexttelephonecallbringswithittheworstpossiblenews.

Nicisstillgone.Lifedoesnotstop.

Karenisworkinglateinherstudio,andItakeJasperandDaisyintotownfordinneratthePineConeDiner.Afterward,wewalktothegrocerystore.ThePalaceMarketisnearlydeserted.Iwheelacartupanddowntheaisles.JasperandDaisykeeptossingCocoaPuffsandOreosintothecartandIkeepremovingthem,untilfinallyIsnapatthemtostop.Isendthemoffindifferentdirectionsforthingsweactuallyneed,milk,butter,bread.I'minanaislevaguelyscanningawallofdriedpastawhentheMuzaksystemplaysEricClapton'ssongaboutthedeathofhisson.

"WouldyouknowmynameifIsawyouinheaven?"

It'smorethanIcantolerate.Ibreakdowninthemiddleofthemarket.JasperandDaisy,theirarmsloadedwiththeitemsontheirlists,bothracearoundthecorneratthesametimeandcatchmytears.Theyareappalledandafraid.

Here'sanotetotheparentsofaddictedchildren:Chooseyourmusiccarefully.AvoidLouisArmstrong's"WhataWonderfulWorld,"fromthePolaroidorKodakorwhichevercommercial,andthesongs"TurnAround"and"Sunrise,Sunset"and—therearethousandsmore.AvoidCyndiLauper's"TimeAfterTime,"andthisone,EricClapton'ssongabouthisson.LeonardCohen's"Hallelujah"sneakeduponmeonetime.Themusicdoesn'thavetobesentimental.

Springsteencanbedangerous.JohnandYoko.Björk.Dylan.IbecomeoverwhelmedwhenIhearNirvana.IwanttoscreamlikeKurtCobain.Iwanttoscreamathim.Musicisn'tallthatdoesit.Therearemillionsoftreacherousmoments.DrivingalongHighway1,Iwillseeapeelingwave.OrIreachtheforkwheretworoadsmeetnearRanchoNicasio,whereweveeredtotheleftincarpool.AshootingstaronastillnightatthecrestofOlemaHill.Withfriends,Ihearagoodjoke—onethatNicwouldappreciate.Thekidsdosomethingfunnyorendearing.Astory.Awornsweater.Amovie.Feelingwindandlookingup,ridingmybike.Amillionmoments.

Wehearnothingmoreforanotherfortnight,thenhesendsmeanemail.Myinitialreactionisrelief—heisalive,atleastsemicoherent,andmobile,ifonlyenoughtogettoapubliclibrarytouseacomputer.Heasksforhelp,somemoney,sohedoesn'thavetoliveonthestreets.IwritebackthatIwillhelphimreturntotreatment,butthatisall.IamnotparrotinganyAl-Anontough-lovescript,norhaveIbecomecallous.Ihavebeendefeatedbymethandhavegivenup.Bailinghimout,payinghisdebts,dragginghimtoshrinks,counselors,andscrapinghimoffthestreet—ithasbeenfutile;methisimpervious.Ihavealwaysassumedthatvigilanceandlovewouldguaranteeadecentlifeformychildren,butIhavelearnedthattheyaren'tenough.

Hedeclinesmyoffer.

Nic'swritingteacheratHampshire,theonewhoacceptedNicintohisclassaftertheyshookhands,hearsthatherelapsedandwritestome:"SoberNicsparkles.I'veburiedtoomanypeopleovertheyearsnottobesickaboutthisnews."

Afteranotheranguishedweek,Niccalls,collect:

"Hey,Pop,it'sme."

"Nic."

"How'reyoudoing?"

"That'snotthequestion.Whataboutyou?"

"I'mallright."

"Whereareyou?"

"Thecity."

"Doyouhaveaplacetostay?Whereareyoustaying?"

"I'mfine."

"Listen,Nic,doyouwanttomeet?"

"Idon'tthinkit'sagoodidea."

"Justtomeet.Iwon'tlayanytripsonyou.Justforlunch."

"Iguess."

"Please."

"Allright."

WhydoIwanttomeethim?Nomatterhowunrealistic,IretainasliverofhopethatIcangetthroughtohim.That'snotquiteaccurate.

IknowIcan't,butatleastIcanputmyfingertipsonhischeek.

Forourmeeting,NicchoosesStepsofRome,acaféonColumbusAvenue,inNorthBeach,theneighborhoodwhereIraisedhim.NicplayedinWashingtonSquareoppositeSaintsPeterandPaulChurch.WewouldbrowseCityLights,thebookstore,andwalkbackwarddownthenearlyverticalstreetstothewharf,wherewesatonthecurbandwatchedtheHumanJukeboxplayhistrumpetandthenatebananasplitsattheGhirardelliChocolateFactory.AcrossBroadwayinChinatown,wepickedupbokchoyandmelons,andonourwayhomestoppedatCaffeTriesteforcoffeeandhotchocolate.Sometimesweateanearlydinneratasushibar,whereNicorderedcustomizedtempurawithonlyorangevegetables(carrotsandyams).OrwewenttoVanessi's,theItalianrestaurantwherethewaiters,inburgundycoatsandcreasedblackpants,liftedNicandsethim,tow-headedandagapbetweenhisfrontteeth,onastoolatthecounterstackedwithtelephonebooks.Nic'seyeswouldgrowroundwhilewatchingthepyrotechnicsofthelinecookssplashingbrandyintosaucepans.Theliquorignited,andNicwasthrilled.Thecookshadhisordermemorized:kid-sizedcaesarsalad,raviolitriangolo,andzabaglionewhiskedinabanged-upcopperbowl.Walkinghome,wepassedthegirlswhohungoutinfrontoftheBroadwaystripclubs,whomheknewbytheircostumes,WonderWoman,She-Ra,CatWoman,etal.HewasconvincedtheyweresuperheroespatrollingNorthBeach.Whenhegotsleepy,Icarriedhimhome,histinyarmswrappedaroundmyneck.

AtStepsofRome,Isitatacornertable,nervouslywaitingforhim.Sincereasonandlove,theforcesIhadcometorelyoninmylife,havebetrayedme,Iaminunknownterrain.StepsofRomeisdesertedexceptfortwowaitersfoldingnapkinsatthebar.IordercoffeewhilerackingmybrainfortheonethingIhaven'tthoughtofthatmightreachhim.

Iwaituntilitismorethanahalf-hourpastourmeetingtime,recognizingthesuffocatingworry,andalsothebitternessandrage.

Afterforty-fiveminutes,Idecidethatheisn'tcoming—whathadIexpected?—andleave.Iamunwillingtogiveup,however,andsoIwalkaroundtheblock,return,peerintothecafé,andthentrudgearoundtheblockagain.Anotherhalf-hourlater,Iamreadytogohome,really,maybe,whenIseehim.Walkingtowardme,butlookingdown,hisganglyarmslimpathissides,helooksmorethaneverlikeaghostlyEgonSchieleself-portrait,debauchedandwasted.

Heseesmeandstops,thencautiouslyapproaches.Wetentativelyhug,myarmswrappingaroundhisvaporousspine,andIkisshischeek.He'schalk-white.Weembracelikethat,andthensitdownatatablebythewindow.Hecan'tlookmeintheeyes.Noapologiesforbeinglate.Hefoldsandunfoldsasodastraw,rocksanxiouslyinhischair,hisfingerstremble,hisjawgyrates,andhegrindshisteeth.Weorder.Hepreemptsanyquestions,saying,"I'mdoing—great.I'mdoingwhatIneedtobedoing,beingresponsibleformyselfforthefirsttimeinmylife."

"I'msoworriedaboutyou."

Silence.Then:

"HowareKarenandthekids?"

"They'reOK,butwe'reallworriedaboutyou."

"Yeah,well."

"Nic,areyoureadytostop?Toreturntotheliving?"

"Don'tstart."

"JasperandDaisymissyou.Theydon't—"

Hecutsmeoff."Ican'tdealwiththat.Don'tguilt-tripme."

Nicscrapeshisplatecleanwiththesideofhisfork,drinksdownhiscoffee.Whenhebrushesbackhisbangs,Inoticeawelt,whichhetoucheswithhisfingers,butIdon'tbotherasking.

Afterwesaygoodbye,Iwatchhimriseandleave.He'sshakingandholdingontohisstomach.ThroughNic'sdrugaddiction,Ihavelearnedthatparentscanbearalmostanything.Everytimewereachapointwherewefeelwecan'tbearanymore,wedo.Ishockmyselfwithmyabilitytorationalizeandtoleratethingsonceunthinkable.Therationalizationsescalate.He'sjustexperimenting.Goingthroughastage.It'sonlymarijuana.Hegetshighonlyonweekends.Atleasthe'snotusingharddrugs.Atleastit'snotheroin.Hewouldneverresorttoneedles.Atleasthe'salive.Ihavealsolearned(thehardwaybecause,asitturnsout,there'snootherwaytolearnsuchlessons)thatparentsaremoreflexiblewithourhopesanddreamsforourchildrenthanweeverimagined.WhenNicwasgrowingup,IthoughtIwouldbecontentwithwhateverchoiceshemadeinhislife.ButthetruthwasthatIfullyexpectedhewouldgotocollege.Ofcoursehewould.Itwasneverquestioned.Ipicturedhiminasatisfyingjob,withalovingrelationship,andeventuallywithchildrenofhisown.However,withhisescalatingdruguseIhaverevisedmyhopesandexpectations.Whencollegeseemedunlikely,Ilearnedtolivewiththeideathathewouldskipcollegeandgorighttowork.Afterall,manykidstakeacircuitousroutetofindthemselves.Butthatbegantoseemunrealistic,andsoIconcludedthatIwouldbecontentifhefoundasenseofpeace.NowIlivewiththeknowledgethat,nevermindthemostmodestdefinitionofanormalorhealthylife,mysonmaynot

makeittotwenty-one.

Summerends.

Everytimethetelephonerings,mystomachconstricts.Longaftertheeuphoriafrommethisnolongerattainable—TennesseeWilliamsdescribedtheequivalentwithalcoholinCatonaHotTinRoof:"Ineveragaincouldgettheclick"—addictsareagitatedandconfused,andmoststopeatingandsleeping.Parentsofaddictsdon'tsleep,either.

17Insometowns,noonismarkedbyringingchurchbellsorIchimingclocktowers.InPointReyes,itisannouncedbyarooster'scrowfollowedbytheharmonyofmooingcowsfromapublicaddresssystematoptheWesternSaloon.

Thecrowingandmoosstopusforamoment.

I'matthefarmers'marketatToby'sFeedBarnwithDaisyandJasper,andit'slikeasceneinOklahoma!Ourneighborsandfriendsarebuyingtomatoes,cucumbers,saladgreens,andCowgirlCreamerycheeses.

Werunintomybrotherandsister-in-lawandtheirchildrennexttobasketsofEarlyGirlsandbasilandotherherbsreadyforplanting,linedupalongamuralthatdepictsasceneoflocals,includingTobyinhisknitcapand,whenshewasababy,myniece.

BynowprettymucheveryoneweknowintownhasheardaboutNic,sopeopleaskabouthimwithnosmallamountofnervousness.Laurel,amotherwhoisalsogoingthroughthis—herdaughter,aheroinaddict,wasinanear-fatalcarcrash—hugsmeandstartscrying.I'mgladthatJasperandDaisyareoffwiththeircousins,listeningtothefiddle-and-basscomboplayingbluegrass.

Mycellphonerings,andIknowthatNiciscalling.IsearchforaquietplaceawayfromthecrowdandfindonenearthebroodingchicksinacageinsideToby'sbarn.

Ianswerthephone,butnooneisthere.

Icheckformessages.There'sone—fromNic.Hisvoiceiscocky,

slurred.

"OK,OK...sorry.Jesus,thisisreallyhard.Sorry.I'mstopping.Butpartofcrashingout,orwhatever,andtryingtogetfocusedforwork...I'vehadtosleepalot'causemybodyain'tthathappywithme.IsleptthroughFriday...wakinguponSaturday,notrealizingI'dmissedawholeday.Soinregardstotherest,Idon'tknow.I'mconfused."

Thennothing.

Jasper,inaT-shirtandkhakishorts,runsup."Canwebuysomegingercookies?"

Henoticessomethingandstopsshort.

"What?"

Helooksatthephoneinmyhandwithworriedeyesandasks,"IsitNic?"

Aweekorsolater,Niccontactshismother,askingforhelp."HonestlyyouwouldbequiteappalledatmylifestyleandI'vegotenoughnegativeshitcomingmywayasitis,"hewritesinanemail."I'mintrouble.Ithasbeenacrazycouplemonths,ultimatelyresultinginmygettingkickedoutofthehouse.Ihadnomoney,nothing...I'mbannedunlessIgobacktorehab.Thisisnotanoption.Ihavethateducationalready...aaandahigherpowerdon'tworkforme.Theyleavemejustashorriblyemptyasever—"

Itcutsoff,endsthere.

AnotheremailtoVicki."I'mprettyscrewedupphysicallyand

mentally,soforgivemeifI'mlessthanperfectlyeloquent,"hewrites."I'mgoingtocallyouonceit'slateenough,butIwantedtogetafewthingsdownonpaperjusttolayitallout."Heexplainsthathehasstolensomechecksfromthemotherofafriend."ImayhaveawarrantoutformeandIneedtopaythembackorI'mjustgoingtohavetoremaininhiding."

VickiandIdisagreeaboutthebestwaytoproceed.Iunderstandherfright,butI'mdisconcertedwhenshehelpspayhisdebt.It'sanaturalandevenlaudableinstinct,butIfearthathersupportwhilehe'susingwillsimplypostponetheinevitable,allowinghimtocontinueonhishazardouscourse.Atleastshehassaidthatpayinghisdebtisonething,butshewon'tgivehimcash.Givingcashtoausingaddictislikehandingaloadedguntosomeoneonthevergeofsuicide.

WhenItellKarenabouttheemailsandhowincomprehensibleitisformethatNicwoulddosomethingsoabhorrent—soself-destructive—shereactswithanger.

"I'msosickofallthis."

"WhatamIsupposedtodo?"

"I'mjustsickofit."Shewalksoutoftheroom.

Nicdisappearsagain,reappearsagain,keepingsporadictouchwithhismother,notwithme.

WhenoldfamilyfriendsfromNewYorkhappentobevisitingSan

Francisco,VickiarrangesforNictomeetthem.Shepleadswithhimtogototheirhotel.

Hedoes.Disheveledandobviouslyhigh,he'snotallowedintothelobbyuntilhepersuadesasecurityguardtocallourfriends.

Whenhe,anashenskeleton,twitchyandrambling,wobblesunsteadilyintotheirroom,theyarehorrifiedbothbyhisdebilitatedconditionandthetrackmarksonhisarms.TheybeghimtocometoNewYork,wherehecanstaywiththemanddetox.

MaybehisromancewiththeSanFranciscostreetshaspassed,maybeheistiredandfrightened,ormaybeit'sjustthatrelocatingtoNewYorkCityintrigueshim.Heagreestogo,butnotbeforehefleesonemoretime,scoring.Hisdealergiveshimagoing-awaypresent,anobscenepileofmeth,andNicsnortsitbeforeboardingacross-countryflight.

InNewYork,ourfriendsconvinceNictoseeapsychiatristwhospecializesinaddiction.ThedoctorprescribessleepingpillsandNicsleepsformostofaweek.Heenduresthephysicalwithdrawalaccompaniedbythementalanguish—"remorse,shame,disbelief,wantingtouse,wantingtodie,"ashesayswhenhecallsme.

OtherthantellinghimthatIlovehimandthatIamsorryitissodifficult,Iamunsurewhatelsetosay.

It'saweeklater.Ianswerthetelephone.ArepresentativeofabankIusedtohaveanaccountwithiscalling.Someonewroteacheckforfivehundreddollarsontheclosedaccount.

Eachnewbetrayalbringswithitaneweruptionofemotions,manyofthemclashinginsidemyskull.Beingrobbedisavisceral,traumatizingexperienceanyway.Tohaveitbemyson...FirstKaren,nowme.

Afteramonthorso,whenNiccalls,hesoundssomewhatlessdesolate.VickihelpshimmoveintoanapartmentinBrooklyn,andhegetsajob.Afterhavingconcludedatonepointthatcollegewasstupid,Nichasdecidedthatworkingminimum-wagejobsisevenstupider,andsohesaysthatheplanstoreturntoschool."ThistimeI'lldoitonmyown,"hesays."I'veblownmychancesbefore,butIwon'tblowthisone."

Nictellsmethathecanneveragainusecrystal,heknowsthat,but,accordingtohim,hisdoctorsaysthatit'sfinethathesmokespotorhasaglassofwine;theyhelphim"keepeven."SoonceagainIbracemyself.Ihavereasontoworry.AUCLAstudyhasshownthatanaddictistwelvetimesmorelikelytorelapseonmethifhesmokespotordrinksalcohol.

Nonetheless,I'munpreparedforthephonecallatfiveonaSundaymorning.Ileapupandmyheartpounds.Karenliftsherheadandlooksatme."Whatisit?"

Igrabthephoneandweaklysayhello.

It'sNic'sstepfather.Nic'sstepfather?Ihavetalkedtohimonlyafewtimesintwentyyears.Atthishour?HesaysthatadoctorjustcalledfromBrooklyn.Nicisinahospitalemergencyroomafteranoverdose."Heisincriticalconditionandonlifesupport."

Ihavebeenwaitingforthistelephonecall,andyetitisnoeasierforhavingprevieweditsooften.

IhangupandtellKaren.

"Willhebeallright?"

"Idon'tknow."

Ibeginpraying,pleadingwithagodIhaveneverbelievedin.

"God,don'tlethimdie.Pleasedon'tlethimdie."

Icallthedoctor,whoexplainsthatsomeone—oneofthekidswithNicwhenithappenedlastnight—called911becauseNicwentunconscious.AnambulancehadbeendispatchedtoNic'sapartment.Whenhesawtheambulance,Nic'slandlordcalledVicki,whoisonNic'slease.ThedoctortellsmethatiftheEMTteamhadn'trespondedrightaway,Nicwouldhavebeendeadalready.Nowthereisachance.

Ihavelearnedtolivewithtormentingcontradictions,suchastheknowledgethatanaddictmaynotberesponsibleforhisconditionandyetheistheonlyoneresponsible.IalsohaveacceptedthatIhaveaproblemforwhichthereisnocureandtheremaybenoresolution.IknowthatImustdrawalineinthesand—whatIwilltake,whatIwilldo,whatIcan'ttake,whatIcannolongerdo—andyetImustalsobeflexibleenoughtoeraseitanddrawanewline.Andnow,withNicinthehospital,IlearnthatIlovehimmore,andmorecompassionately,thanever.

ImakearrangementstoflytoNewYorkandthrowsomethingsinasuitcase.

Thetelephoneringsagain.It'sthesamedoctor.Hehasaseriousbutempatheticvoice.HetellsmethatNicshouldpullthrough.His

vitalsignsarereturningtonormal.

"He'savery,veryluckyboy,"thedoctorsays."He'llhaveanotherchance."

Mysonwillhaveanotherchance.Forthefirsttimesincetheearlymorningphonecall,Ibreathe.

JasperandDaisyareawake.TheycomeinandseethestateI'min.KarenandItellthem.WesaythatwealljusthavetohopethatNicmakesit.

IcallthehospitalandaskifIcanspeaktoNic.Thedoctorsaysno,Nicisasleep,Ishouldtryinafewhours.Ipace.Iwalkinthegarden.VickiandItalkafewtimes,commiserate.Ourchildhasnearlydied.JasperandDaisyagainaskifNicisgoingtobeallright.

Icallthehospitalinanhour'stime,andI'mputthroughtoatelephonenexttoNic'sbed.Heishardlycoherentenoughtotalk,buthesoundsdesperate.Heaskstogointoanotherprogram,saysitishisonlychance.ItellhimthatI'monmywaytoNewYork.

Inanotherhour,Ileavefortheairport.Whiledriving,Icallthehospitaltoseehowhe'sdoing.

Theon-dutynursetellsmethathehascheckedout.

"Whatdoyoumeanhecheckedout?"

"Hecheckedoutagainstdoctor'sorders."

HepulledouttheIVsandcatheter,andheleft.

Ihangupandpulloffthefreeway.Iknowthatifthisoverdose

isn'tenoughtostophim,nothingwill.

Shaking,Ireturnhome.

AtnightIlieinbed,smellthestarjasminethroughtheopenwindow,stareintothedark.

"Areyouawake,Karen?"

"Areyou?"sheasks.

Thereisnosleepingforeitherofus.

Icannotcomprehendwhatcouldhavehappened,butthemostlikelyscenarioisthatwithdrawalwastoomuchforNic,ortheprospectofrecoverywastoomuchforhim,orthepainwastoomuchandhewentouttoscore.Anotherknownterrorplaysoutinmybrain.Nic,overwhelmedbythenewesteventsandfeelingphysicallyaswellaspsychicallydefeated,hasgonetokillhimself.

Noansweronhistelephone,nothing.

Hecallsinthemorning.Hesoundsgroggyanddeeplydepressed.

"Nic..."

"Yeah,Iknow."

"Whereareyou?"

Hetellsmehe'sathisapartment.

"Butwhathappened?Whydidyouleavethehospital?"

"Iwasfreakedout.Idon'tknow.Ihadtogetoutofthere."

IimaginehiminthebasementapartmentoftheBrooklynbrownstonewhereIlastvisitedhim—devoidofdecorationorfurnitureotherthanamattressonthefloorandadresserthatNicfoundonthestreet,withshadesdrawnfasttokeepdaylightout.Exceptforthrowingoffthebootshehadsnatchedfromtheclosetinhishospitalroom,hehasnottroubledtoundress.HestillhastheremnantsoftapeonhisarmsthathadheldtheIVsinplace.Hehadreachedhisapartmentandmadehiswayinsideandfallenfacedownonthemattress,asthoughdivingheadlongintoaburialplot.

HeasksifI'mcoming.WillIcome?

"Whatareyougoingtodo?"

Withoutcoercionthistime,Nicchoosestoreturntorehab.Hebegs.

Isthiswhathittingbottommeans?Theexpertsallsaythatanaddicthitsbottomandthenengagesinrecoveryinanewway.

IflytoNewYorktohelphimcheckintoHazelden'sManhattancenter.Itakeataxiintherainunderaduskylavendersky,andonmywayintotownItrytoanticipatewhatIwillfeelwhenIseehim.Overjoyedtoseehimalive.Furiousbecauseofhowclosehecametothrowingawayhislife.

Iwaitforhiminthelobbyofmyhotel,whereweplantomeet.

Suddenlyhe'sstandingbeforeme.

"Hey,Pop!"

ItisalwaysadramaticmomentwhenNicarrives.

Inspiteofhisattemptatputtingonabravefacade,helookslikesomeonewhosurvivedafamine.Hisfaceislikecrepepaper,ghost-white.HewearsatornsportcoatoveraT-shirt,tornjeans,andbusted-upsneakers.Wehugstiffly.Myaffectionforhimistemperedbymyfearofhim.

Hestaysinmyhotelforthenight.Tokilltime,wegoseeamovie,Punch-DrunkLove,andeatpastainacafé.Hetriestoexplainwhathappened,butwe'rebidingourtimebecausethistripisaboutthemorning,whenhewillcheckintorehab.Again.

Afterdinner,NicandIwatchTV.Ononeshow,youngmenfilmoneanotherdoingludicrous,humiliatingthings.Professionalpitchershavebeenenlistedtohurlone-hundred-mile-per-hourfastballsatthecrotchesofgreasy-hairedboys.Whentheballshit,theboysdoubleoverinpain.WhywouldsomeoneputthisonTV?Whyarewewatching?

Wehavetwodoublebedswiththickwhitecomforters,andourheadsrestonfatpillows.Lettermanison.Inthemiddleoftheshow,NicsaysthathehassomebusinesstoattendtobeforehecangotoHazelden.Ilookathimasifhe'soutofhismind,whichheis.

"Business?Whatkindofbusiness?"

Hesays,"It'sfine.I'llheadoutandbebacksoon."

"No,"Isay."Anybusinessyouhavetoattendtonowistrouble."

"Ihaveto,"hesays."Ihavetotakecareofafewthings."

Hepullsonhissneakers.

I'munabletodissuadehim,soIsay,"I'llcome."

Ithrowonmyshoesandwegointothecoldnight.WetakethesubwaytotheEastVillage,stoppingatseedyapartmentbuildings,buzzingbuzzersthatare(thankfully)notanswered.WefollowanIndianwomancarryinggroceriesintoabuildingandascendfiveflights.IstandwithNicashepoundsonadoor.Hesaysthathehassomemoneytoretrieve.

Finallyhegivesup.Iamrelievedwhen,neartwointhemorning,ataxifinallydropsusbackatthehotel.Ridingintheelevator,westareupatthetinytelevisionscreenshowingaTweetyandSylvestercartoon.

Inthemorning,wewalkarounduntilhisadmissionappointmentatHazelden,inastatelybrownstoneoverlookingStuyvesantSquarePark.Whileheisinterviewed,Iwaitinthepark,sittingonabench.Iwatchagroupofboyshuddledinacorneroftheparknearametalgate.Adrugdealgoesdown.

Hazeldenisprobablythenation'sbest-knowndrugandalcoholrehabilitationcenter.ItsmainlocationisinMinnesota,butthereareprogramsinNewYork,Oregon,andChicago.Thisisnotaprimaryprogram.Nichastriedtwoofthose.Thisoneisanongoingprogramofsixmonths,perhapslonger,dependingonhowNicdoes.RatherthanacrashcourseofRehab101fitintofourweeks,patientsarerequiredtoworkorattendschool.Theideaisthattheywilllearntointegraterecoveryintotheirlives.Thereareregularmeetingswithastafftherapist,grouptherapy,andrequiredAAmeetings.Therearechores.Thereisalonglistofrules,butunliketheotherprograms,patientscancomeandgoastheyplease,aslongastheyarepresentat

dinnerandrequiredmeetingsandappointments,andreturnbeforecurfew.

Nicsignalsmefromthebuilding'sopendoor.It'stime.Icomeupstairs,andwesitinthelargefoyerlinedincherrybookshelves.There'snotmuchtosay,butwesitthereforawhileonleathersofas.WhenanattendantcallsNic—saysit'stimeforhimtocheckinandsaygoodbye—westandandlookateachother.

Wehug.Hisbodyfeelsbrittle,asifitcouldbreakintopieces.

18Iwatchtheweeksandthenmonthsofhisrecoveryfromafar.Bidingmytime,Icontinuemyresearchintometh,thistimecanvassingthenation'spreeminentresearchersandaskingthemwhatistomethebottom-linequestion.Whatwouldyoudoifafamilymemberwereaddictedtothisdrug?

Theyagreethatthefirststepshouldbeassessment.Ifanaddictisinmethamphetaminepsychosis,sedativesandothermedicationshouldbeadministered.("Theysometimesareascrazyasaloon,andthatneedstobedealtwith,"saidUCLA'sDr.Ling.)Thoughmethaddictsarethreetofourtimesmorelikelythanotherstohaveattendantpsychiatricconditionsinadditiontoaddiction,thesymptomsaredifficulttodistinguishfrommethwithdrawal.Somedoctorswouldroutinelytreataddictsfordepression.Thatisanexpensiveproposition,andsomeresearcherssuggestthatpatientsshouldbeoffmethforatleastamonthbeforetheyarediagnosedandtreatedforsecondaryillnesses.

Theexpertsaredividedaboutwhetherinpatientoroutpatientprogramsaremorelikelytowork.Theformerareexpensive,buttheyprovideasafeandcontrolledenvironmentwhereapatientcanbecloselymonitored.However,itmaybedifficulttotransferrehabtotherealworld,anddischargedpatientsoftenrelapse.Outpatientprogramsintegraterecoveryworkintoanaddict'slife,buttherearemanyopportunitiestoslip.Themajorityofexpertssaidtheywouldideallychooseaslonganinpatientprogramaspossible,tobefollowedbyagradualtransitiontoacomprehensiveoutpatientprogramthatwouldcontinueforayearormore.Thiswouldbeginwithfourorfivedailyoreveningsessionsaweek,thenlessfrequentsessions,taperingofftoonceaweek.

Theseexpertsagreethat,whetherinaninpatientoranoutpatientsetting,itmakeslittlesensetostartbehavioralandcognitivetherapiesduringtheinitialwithdrawalperiod.Palliativessuchasmassage,acupuncture,andexerciseprograms,alongwithcarefullymonitoredsedatives,maydoasmuchasanythingtohelppatientsmakeitthroughtheworststagesofwithdrawal.Addictsinoutpatientprogramsseemtobenefitwhentheygethelpmakingascheduletheycanfollowuntiltheirnextsession.Drugtesting,withseverepenaltiesforrelapse,is,theexpertsclaim,essential.Behavioralandcognitivetherapiesshouldbeaddedslowly.Whentheyare,theyshouldbemonitoredsothattheyreflectanaddict'sabilitytoparticipateinthem.Somedoctorsadvocatepsychotherapy,butmanydonot."Itprobablyhaslittleeffect,"saysDr.RawsonatUCLA."Talkjustcan'tpenetratethewiringproblems."Dr.Lingadds,"Understandingthingswillnotchangeanaddict'slife.Doingthingsdifferentlywill."Thedoctorsdoprescribepsychotherapyandpsychopharmacologywhenadualdiagnosisisapparent,suchasdepression,bipolardisorder,acuteanxiety,orotherconditions.

Thefirstgoalistokeepaddictsintreatmentlongenoughforthemtoparticipateincognitiveandbehavioraltherapiesthattrain,orretrain,them.ArangeofthesetherapieshasbeenimplementedandtestedatMatrix,thedrug-rehabilitationcentersfoundedbyRawsonandhisUCLAcolleagues.TheMatrixprogram,developedforcocaineaddicts,hasbeenadaptedformethamphetamine.Itincludestherapiesthatteachaddictstoavoidifpossible,or"reframe"ifnot,situationsthatpreviouslywouldhaveledtorelapse.Intheory,newbehaviorseventuallybecomehabitual.AtMatrix-basedprograms,addictsaretrainedtointerrupttheirnormalreactionstoanger,disappointment,andotheremotions.Theyaretaughtaboutcomponentsofaddictionsuchasprimingandcueing,whichoftenleadtorelapse.Priming(asinprimingapump)isamechanismthatlaunchesasingleor

incidentaldruguseintoafull-blownrelapse.Sinceaddictsmayslipatcertainstagesoftheirrecovery,theprogramtrainsthemtoreframetheincident.Ratherthanrespondingtopriming,anaddictcanstoptheprocessata"choicepoint."Themomentcanbeviewedasanopportunitytotryanalternateactivity.Cueingleadstodrugusewhenanaddictencountersatriggerthatstartsacycleofintensecravingthatoftenresultsinusing.IcametounderstandthewayacueworkswhenIthoughtaboutNic'sandmydifferentreactionstothemovieRequiemforaDream.NiclovedDarrenAronofsky'srelentlesslydismalstoryofaboyandhismother,aheroinaddictandspeedfreak.Ifounditunbearable.EventhepeopleIknowwholikedthemovieweredepressedbyitsbleaknessanddepravity,butNicwasthrilledbyit.Niclatertoldmethatthedrugscenes,accompaniedbythrobbingmusicfromtheKronosQuartet,whicharecautionary,nearlyunstomachableformostpeople,madehimwanttogethigh.

Studieshaveshownthatcuesdramaticallychangeanaddict'svitalsigns.Theydon'thavetobeasobviousasaneedle.Acuecanbeanythingfromthesmellofachemicalreminiscentofmethburninginapipeto"thepeople,places,andthings"associatedwiththedrugto,forsomeaddicts,payday,astreetcorner,asong,orasound—subtleandhiddenfromeveryonebuttheaddict.Manymethaddictsassociatethedrugwithsex.AsthehighschoolCasanovainthepilotofSixFeetUnderputit,meth"justmakeseverythingburnalittlebitbrighter,anditmakessextotallyprimal."Thoughmostheavyuserseventuallyareunabletohavesex,arousal—anythingfrompornographytoasexualsituation—canremainapowerfultrigger."Tryingtointerruptdruguseatthatstageisliketryingtogetinfrontofatrain,"Dr.Rawsonsaid.However,Dr.ShoptawatUCLAhasworkedonspecifictherapiesdesignedtohelpgayaddictswhoassociatemethwithsextoreframetheirresponsestoarousal.Theideaisthatanybehavior,includingbehaviorsthatseemautomaticor

compulsive,canbecomeconsciousandcanthenbeinterrupted.AusercanbetaughttostopthemovingtrainandcallanAAsponsorordrugcounselor,attendarecoverymeeting,workoutinagym,orotherconstructivechoices.Onceagain,timeintreatment—timemeasuredinmanymonthsifnotyears—isusuallyrequiredfordramaticchange.Intheprocess,theuser'sbrainisprobablyregenerating,anddopaminelevelsmaybenormalizing.Acycleofabstinencereplacesacycleofaddiction.

RecentclinicaltrialshaveshownthatmethaddictsrespondtotheSkinnerianapproachofrewardingclean(thatis,drug-free)urinespecimenswithsmallcashpaymentsorvouchersforanythingfromimmunizationsforanaddict'schildtoapasstoanice-skatingrinktoacertificategoodfortherepairofabrokenlawnmower.InaUCLAstudy,thesecontingencymanagementstrategies,whenaddedtoacognitiveandbehavioraltherapyprogram,producedtwotothreetimesasmuchabstinenceasthecognitiveandbehavioraltherapyprogramsalone.

Medicationsmayhelp,too.Thereiscurrentlynomethadoneformethusers.Noraretheremedicationstoneutralizemethincaseofoverdose,counteractmostsymptoms,treatitsneurotoxicity,orinterruptthehigh—allofwhichwouldbeusefulatdifferentstagesoftreatment.Partofthereasonmaybethattherehasn'tbeenasmuchresearchintomethamphetamineasintoheroinandcocaine,whichhavelongbeenpervasiveontheEastCoast,particularlyfromNewYorktoWashington.Methhasn'tbeendirectlyinthefacesofpolicymakerswhoallotresearchmoney,thoughthishasbeenchangingasmethcreepseastward.Anotherfactormaybethemolecularstructureofheroincomparedtomethamphetamine."Methamphetamineisdirtier,"aresearcherexplained.Whateverthereason,becauseoftheuniquelevelofharmthisdrugcauses,evencomparedtoheroinandcocaine,plusthedismalrecordofcurrent

treatments,cliniciansaredesperateformedicationsthatwouldhelpuptheoddsforaddicts,whethertheywouldreplacedopamine,helphealthenervedamage,ortreatormanagesymptoms.However,thetopresearchersinthefieldadmitthattheireffortswarrantlittleoptimism.Atthebeginningofatrialofamedicationthatcouldhelpwithwithdrawal,thedoctorinchargeadmitted,"Successforme?Modesteffectinaminorityofpatients.Myexpectationsareniltominimum,soI'llbereallyhappywithminimum."Andhewasworkingononeofthemorepromisingdrugs.

Sincedepressionisprominentintheearlystagesofwithdrawal,someresearchersmaintainthatantidepressantswouldhelp.However,preliminarytestsofProzac,Zoloft,andotherSSRIssuggestthatthosedrugshavelittleeffect.Researchersarecurrentlyinvestigatingotherantidepressants,includingbupropion(Wellbutrin),whichinteractswithspecificsubsystemsofserotoninanddopaminetransmittersandreceptors,andadrugcalledondansetron.Numerousothertrialsareplanned.ResearchersthroughoutNorthAmericatoldmeaboutdozensofdrugsthatmighthelp.Oneislevodopa(L-dopa),whichhasbeenusedtocounteractthedegenerationofParkinson's.Itessentiallyreplacesmissingdopamine,thoughtheeffectseemstodiminishovertime.Whentestedwithcocaineaddicts,thedrugmadenodifference.However,researchersconductingatrialpositthatthedrugmayhaveastrongereffectonmethaddicts,becausetheirdopaminelevelsarenearlyzero,comparedtoslightreductionsincocaineusers.

Evenifmedicationsturnouttoaidinmethwithdrawaloratotherstagesofrecovery,researcherGanttGallowayisconvincedthattheywillneverplaymorethanaperipheralrole."There'snevergoingtobeadrugthatwillmakeyoucheckthepeepholebeforeyouanswerthedoor,soifit'syourdealeryouwon'tanswerit,"hesays."Andevenifyoudoperfectdetoxandgreatpharmacotherapyandyouget

somebody'sbrainpreciselywhereitwasbeforetheystartedusingmeth,thentheclockstartsrollingforwardagain.It'sGroundhogDay.Youhavetointercedeatthatpoint,usingbehavioralandcognitivetherapiestoteachpeopleanalternativewaytolivetheirlives."

Nicchecksinwithmefromtimetotime.HeattendsAAmeetingseacheveningwithabandofHazeldenpatients.Hedescribestheiroutingswithhistypicaldryhumor."We'reasightwalkingthroughthecity,"hesays,"agangofgratefulmisfits."

Ireturntomyownmeetings.Al-Anongatheringsarenocureall,butonceagainit'scomforting,thoughalwayssosad,hearingothers'stories.Afteronelunchtimemeeting,atwhichIbrieflyspeak—Ishakilybegin,"Mysonisinrehabagain"—awomanapproachesandtimidlyhandsmeapamphletcalled"3ViewsofAl-Anon.""Ithelpsme,"shesays.

Athome,Ireadit.From"LetterfromanAddict"inthepamphlet:"Don'tacceptmypromises.I'llpromiseanythingtogetoffthehook.Butthenatureofmyillnesspreventsmefromkeepingmypromises,eventhoughImeanthematthetime...Don'tbelieveeverythingItellyou;itmaybealie.Denialofrealityisasymptomofmyillness.Moreover,I'mlikelytoloserespectforthoseIcanfooltooeasily.Don'tletmetakeadvantageofyouorexploityouinanyway.Lovecannotexistforlongwithoutthedimensionofjustice."

WithNicinrecoveryagain,KarenandIgetbooksforchildrenaboutaddictionfromthelibraryandreadthemtoDaisyandJasper.Wedoourbesttoencouragethekidstotalkabouttheirfeelings—togetthemout.Wemeetwiththeirteacherstodiscusshowthey're

doing.Sofar,we'retoldthattheyseemallright.

InDecember,Hazelden'sNewYorkinpatientprogramclosesitsdoors.Theorganization,whichcontinuestorunanoutpatientprograminManhattan,blamestheeconomy—itcan'tfillthebrown-stone'sthreedozenbedswithpayingcustomers.NiciswaryoftheBayArea,whichheassociateswithmeth,andchooses,helpedinhisdecisionbyhiscounselor,tomovetoLosAngelestolivenearVicki.

HerbertHouse,asober-livinghouseinCulverCity,isactuallyaclusterofbougainvillea-androse-drapedbungalows,whitewashedandcheerful,withsmallporcheswithloveseatsandrockingchairs,allfacingacentralbrickcourtyardwithpalms,picnictables,andgardenfurniture—sortofaMelrosePlaceforaddicts.

Nicsettlesinandlikesitthere.Hemakesgoodfriendswithotherpatients,andhebecomesespeciallyclosewiththedirectoroftheprogram,acompassionatemannamedJacewhohasdedicatedhislifetohelpingaddictsandalcoholics.HerbertHousehasstrictrulesandrequireschores,andresidentsmustattendnightlymeetings.Nicalsoparticipatesinanearbyoutpatientprogram,meetswithanewpsychiatrist,andworkswithanotherAAsponsor,Randy,amanwithwhomNicgoesonlongbikeridesalongthePacificCoastHighway.Randyhasintenseblueeyes;hehasbeensoberformorethanfifteenyears.NicsaysthatRandyinspireshim,"showsmehowgoodlifecanbe."

OnthephonehesoundsliketheoldNic,Nicinhisrightmind.ItisalmostimpossibletoreconcilethisNicwiththepersonhewasondrugs.Ithink,bytrialanderrorandpersistence,helpedbythemonthsatHazelden,thesupportofthoseatHerbertHouse,theoutpatientsessions,AA,Randy,andhisfriendsinrecovery,Nichasconstructedacomprehensiveprogramthat,accordingtowhatIhavelearnedfrom

theresearchers,reflectstheonethatshouldbeavailableforallmethaddicts.

Nic'sAAfriendshelphimfindatechnicianjobatPromises,anotherrenowneddrugandalcoholrehabilitationprogram,thisonebasedinMalibu.Hedrivespatientstomeetingsanddoctors'appointments,dispensesmedication,andassistscounselorsinawiderangeofotherduties.Itisfulfillingwork.Hehassomethingtooffer—hecanhelpothersevenastheworkhelpshim.

InJuly,Nicturnstwenty-one.Tocelebrate,IvisithiminLosAngeles.ItisawarmsummerafternoonwhenIpickhimupinfrontofHerbertHouse.Nicleapsintothecar.Wehug.Heappearswholeagain.Twenty-oneisamilestoneineveryone'slife,anditisamilestoneforparentswhentheirchildrenturntwenty-one.Forme,itfeelslikeanothermiracle.

IttakesawhilebeforeKarensayssheisreadytoseehim.Inaddition,wehaven'tallowedhimtoseeDaisyandJasperyet.Wedon'twantthemtogethurtagain.Weallarestilltornapartbythewarringbetweenourfearandourlove.WewanttoprotectDaisyandJasper,andyettheylovehimandhelovesthem.Onceagainwewonder:howdoweknowwhenwecantrusthim?

Finally,neartheendofsummer,KarenandthekidscomealongwithmewhenIdrivedownthecoastonanassignmentinLA.Thefamilyisreunitedonthebeach,whereNic,Jasper,andDaisymakesandcastlesandplayinthesurf.Afterthat,wecometoseehimonaseriesofweekends.Wevisithimatworkandheintroducesustohiscolleagues,whoclearlyadorehimandwhomheseemstoadoreback.Hetakesustoanotherbeach,asecludedspotnearMalibuthatisreachedafterahikedownasteeptrail.Anothertimewehikethroughacanyonwithhismotherandstepfather'sdogs,PaysonandAndrew.

(Nicisdog-sittingthem.)WewalkupatrailuntilwereachalookoutfromwherewecanseeallthewayfromHollywoodtotheocean.WerentcruisersandhemeetsupwithusonhisracingbikeandtogetherweridedowntheVeniceboardwalk,stoppingtowatchgraffitiartistsandweightlifters.Asalways,wegotomuseumsandgalleries—aRoyalArtLodgeshowatMOCA,andatAnglesGalleryinSantaMonicaanexhibitionofthousandsofphotographsbyNickTaggartofhiswifeandcollaborator,LauraCooper,takenjustbeforeshewokeupeverymorningforthirteenyears.Weusuallyeatdinneratthesamerestaurants,aKoreanbarbecueortinysushibarwhereloudreggaemusicplays.Wespendmostofourtimeonthebeach,but,asalways,weseemovies.NichasseenTheTripletsofBelleville,buthegoesagainbecausehewantsJasperandDaisytoseeit.Afterthefilm,togetherJasperandNicsing,withanIndianaccent,exactlyasinthepre-moviecommercial.

Nicbegins,"Isthemoviesoldout,myhusband?"

Jasper:"Chitra,myqueen,I'veusedFandango."

Nic:"Myhappinessisagoldenpoem."

Jasper:"I'llgetthepopcorn."

Niccallsfrequently.Wehaveaclosetelephonerelationship.Sometimeswejustyakaboutnothing,sometimesabouthisrecovery.Wealwaystalkaboutmoviesandbooks.Especiallymovies.Wecannotwaittotalkafteroneofusseesanewreleasebyoneofourfavoritedirectors,whetherSpikeJonze,DavidO.Russell,ToddSolondz,theCoenBrothers,P.T.Anderson,WesAnderson,Pedro

Almodóvar,orRobertAltman,aswellasanythingwrittenbyCharlieKaufman.Irecommendfilmsforhimtorent—RiversandTides—orherecommendsthemforKarenandme—FrançoisOzon's8Womenandhiscurrentfavorite,Fassbinder'sDieBitterenTränenderPetravonKant."HaveyoureadAnthonyLaneonthenewStarWars?"Nicasksoneday.Hereadsaloud:"'Also,whilewe'rehere[onYoda],what'swiththescrewysyntax?Deepestmindinthegalaxy,apparently,andyoustillexpressyourselflikeaday-tripperwithadog-earedphrasebook."Ihoperightyouare."Afuckingbreakgiveme.'"

SometimeshereportssuccessesthatforotherpeoplearenobigdealbuttohimareHerculean.Littlethings:hehasabankaccountandsecuredacreditcard.Heissavingsomemoney.Hebuysafifth-handfour-hundred-dollarMazdaand,later,anewbike.Hemovesintoanapartment,rentingaroomfromRandy'ssponsor,anextremelykind,silver-hairedandbeardedmanwhowalkswithacane.Tedhasbeeninrecoveryforthirtyyearsandhashelpedmanyyoungaddicts.

YetsomedaysareexcruciatingforNic.Ihearitinhisvoice.Heislonely.HehasRandyandgoodfriends,buthewouldlikesomeonespecialinhislife.Hebecomesoverwhelmedwithworryaboutthefuture.Hismoodsswing,andhecravesdrugs.Hedescribestheseupsanddownstomesometimeswithstoicdetermination,othertimesholdingbacktears."SometimesallIcanthinkofisusing,"hesays."Sometimesit'stoodifficult.IfeelasifIjustcan'tdoit.ButIcallRandy.Itreallydoeshelpifyoudowhattheytellyou."

InSeptember,Niccelebrateshisyearofsobriety.Asmuchasachild'sbirthdayisimportanttoaparent,asmuchastwenty-onemeanttome,ayearinrecoverymeansmore.

Infitsandstarts,Nictellsusaboutanewromancewithagirl,Z.,butthenonedayhecallsandisneartears.Shehasbrokenofftherelationship.Earlier,Nicwouldhavecalledadealeroroneofhisdruggiefriendsorscroungedajointorbeer.NowhecallsRandy.

"Getoverhere,Nic,"Randysays."We'regoingonabikeride."

Theyrideforthreehours—upTemescalCanyon.Twice.Afterward,Niccallsandsoundselated."I'mgoingtobeallright."

Itisamonthlater.Nicstopsreturningmycalls.Somethingiswrong.

Inourlastconversation,headmittedthathewasstillreelingfromtheheartbreakingsplit.Hesaid,"Ican'tstopthinkingabouther."

Itisthemorningofthethirddaysincethen.AfterFrenchtoast,DaisyandJasperplayintheirroomforawhileandthen,thoughit'sdrizzling,headoutside.BythetimeIcorralthem,we'rerunninglate.Theyshoweranddress,andIremindthemtobrushtheirteeth.Daisyasksifshecanuseanacoustictoothbrush.

"Acoustictoothbrush?"

"Aregularone.Nottheelectric."

Daisytakesherbrushingseriouslynowthatherbracesareoff.There'saretainertocontendwith,though."Ican'tstopfiddlingwithitwithmytongue,"shesays.

"Trynotto,"Isay.

"It'stootempting."

Thekidsracethroughthehouse,collectinghomeworkandcleats,stuffingthemintotheirbackpacks.KarentakesonDaisy'stangledbraids,andthenheadsouttodrivethemtoschool.Whenthey'regone,Iamlefttofallapart.Again.

HowdoIknowthatsomethingiswrong?It'snotonlythathehasn'tcalledmeback.Isitaparent'sintuition?Weretherewarningsignsthatslowlyseepedupintomyconsciousness?WeretherecluesinwhathesaidthatIdetectedonasubliminallevel?Orwasitthelaconicpausesbetweenhiswords?

Whereishe?Iwillnotacceptthemostlikelyanswer:thathehasrelapsed.

Hehasbeendoingwell.It'snotperfect,buthehasacoterieofsupportivefriendsandagoodjob.Heisbikingandwriting.HeattendsAAmeetings,includingsomeatHerbertHouse,whereheseesJaceandhisfriends.WithRandy,possiblyhisclosestfriendever,heisdevotedlyworkingthetwelvestepsofself-evaluation,atonement,andwhathehasdescribedas"newcharacterbuilding."Overall,heseemsenthusiasticabouthislife.Iknowthatsometimesheislonely,butwhoisn't?Sometimesheisdown,butwhoisn't?Sometimeshefeelsoverwhelmed,butwhodoesn't?

Andyethemusthaverelapsed.Whatelsecouldexplainhisdisappearance?AmIbeingparanoid?Ihavereasontobehypervigilant,alertforanysignthatsomethingcouldbewrong,butImustallowhimtomoveonandhavealife.Maybehehasanewgirlfriend.Maybehe'sjustdownandneedssometimewithoutbeing

intouch;therehavebeentimeswhenIneededtowithdrawfrommyparents.

IcallVicki,whoreassuresmethatshesawhimadayortwoagoandhewasfine.

Still,IaskhertogotoNic'sapartmenttocheck.

Whenshecallsbackinanhour,shesaysthathisroommatehasn'tseenhim,hisbedhasn'tbeensleptin.WecallPromisesandacoworkersaysthathehasnotshownupintwodays.Wecallhisfriends,whohavenotheardfromhim.YesterdayonehadadatetomeetNicforlunchandabikeride,butheneverarrived.Icallthepolicetoseeiftherehasbeenanaccident.Onceagain.Icallhospitalemergencyrooms.HismotherdrivestotheSantaMonicapolicestationandfilesamissingpersonreport.

Heis:

Male.

Caucasian.

Twenty-one.

Hisbaby-blondhairsettledintoacopperybrown.Hehasteardrop-shapedgreen-browneyesandsun-bronzedoliveskin.Hehasaneasysmile.Heisjustoversixfeettall,thinwiththemuscularupperarmsandchestofaswimmerandthestrongthighsandcalvesofacyclist.Whennotinbikeshortsandshirt,thesedayshenormallywearsanoutfitofT-shirt,jeans,Converse.Hehasastrawberrybirthmarkonhisrightshoulder.

Itrytokeepittogether—toappearallright—infrontofJasperandDaisy.

KarenandIdon'twanttotellthemaboutNicuntilweknowmore.Wedon'twanttoworrythemmore.Theyareonlysevenandnineyearsold.Whatwillwesay?"Yourbrotherhasvanished.Again.Hemayhaverelapsed.Again.Wedon'tknow."

Butwewillhavetosaysomethingsoon.Wecan'tformuchlongerconcealtheanguishandhysteriathatis,again,takingoverourhome.Ittakesaprodigiousefforttogothroughthemotionsofordinarydayswithmyconstrictingstomach,racingheart,andtheinescapable,high-definitionCSIvideoclipsplayinginsidemyskull:thegrimmest,mostsordidscenesoftheworstthingsthathappentochildrenonthestreetsatnight.

IcontinuallytryNic'scellphonebuteachtimereachhisdeadpanvoicemail:"Hey,it'sNic.Leaveamessage."Irepeatedlycheckwithhismotherfornews,butthereisnone.Onawhim,Icallthe800customer-assistancenumberforoursharedcellphonecompanytoaskiftherehavebeenanyrecentcallstoorfromNic'sphone,butanoperatorsaysthatshecan'taccesstheinformation.However,sheexplainsthatshecantellmeifhiscellphoneiscurrentlyconnectedtothenetwork."It'sagainstregulations,"shesays."ButI'mthemotherofateenager."Aftersomeclickingonakeyboard,shereports,"Yes,thephoneison.It'saccessingatowerinSacramento."

Sacramento?

Icallhismotherandhisfriends.NooneknowswhyhewouldbeinSacramento.Nooneknowsofanyfriendsthere.

Twohourslater,theoperatorcallsback."Icheckedagain,"she

says."Thephoneisonstill.It'snowinReno."

Reno?

ApolicedetectivetellsmethatRenoisamethcapital,whichcouldexplainit,thoughitseemsfarfetchedbecausehewouldn'thavetogotoRenotoscorethedrug.

No,hecannothaverelapsed.Hejustcelebratedhisseventeenthmonthoffmeth.Notonlythat.Heworksatarehabcenter,helpingaddicts.

Itrytoworkbutcan't.Thereisnonewsthroughouttheday.Afterschool,KarenandIferryJasperandDaisytoswimpracticeattwodifferentpools.Afterpractice,athrown-togetherdinner,homework,baths,andbedtimestories,thechildrenareasleep.

Icallthewirelessoperatoragain—shehasgivenmeherprivatecellphonenumber.Shesaysthatshewillcallinthemorningfromwork,soIwaittheinterminablehoursofanothernight.ShecallsandtellsmethatNic'sphoneisstillon,butnowit'sinBillings,Montana.

Iwrackmybrainforaplausibleexplanation.Hashebeenkidnapped?Ishedeadinthetrunkofthecarofsomepsychowhoisfleeingeastacrossthecountry?IcalltheBillingspoliceandtheFBI.

19Itisrainingoutside.Thechildrenarestillatschool.KarenIandIsitontheconcretekitchenfloorwithMoondog.ThevetisIhere,alsosittingonthefloor.Thedog'sheadrestsonKaren'slap.Shestrokeshisvelvetyears.

Moondog'scancerhastakenover—hecanbarelystand.Hetremblesandcriesoutfrompain.It'stimetoputhimoutofhismisery,butwearedevastated.Karenshakesandweeps.Thedoctorhascomeheretodoitathome.AsthevetinjectsMoondogwithsomethingthatputshimintoadeepsleep,tearscomefromme,too.Hisbreathingislabored.Asecondinjection,andtherearenomorebreaths.Thevetsitswithusawhileandthensheleaves.KarenandIstruggletocarryablanketwithMoondog'sheavybodyonittoaholewedugunderaredwoodtreeinthegarden,whereweburyhim.

WhenDaisyandJaspercomehomefromschool,theyworkwithKarenintherainmakingashrineforMoondog.WecryforMoondogandforallofthesadnessinourhome.Attheirbedtime,wereadtothemfromapicturebookcalledDogHeaven:"Sosometimesanangelwillwalkadogbacktoearthforalittlevisitandquietly,invisibly,thedogwillsniffabouthisoldbackyard,willinvestigatethecatnextdoor,willfollowthechildtoschool..."

WhereisNic?Itislatemorningonthefourthdaysincehedisappeared.Icontinuetotryhiscellphone.Finallysomeoneanswers.Amalevoice.NotNic.

"Ha-llo?"

"Nic?IsthisNic?"

"Nic'snothere."

"Whoisthis?"

"Whoisthis?"

"Nic'sfather.WhereisNic?"

"Hegavemehisphone."

"Hegaveittoyou?Where'sNic?"

"HowthefuckshouldIknow?"

"Wherewashewhenhegaveyouthephone?"

"Idon'tevenknowhim.HewasatthebusstationinLA.Downtown.HegavemehisphoneandIhaven'tseenhimsincethen."

"Hegaveyouhisphone?Whywouldhegiveyouhisphone?"

Silence.Hehangsup.

Icallthecellphoneoperatorandaskhertodisconnectthetelephone,tellingherthatithasapparentlybeenstolen,thankingherforherhelpandhercompassion.

VickiandIarefrantic.Onceagain.Wemakephonecalls,hopingforsome—any—news.FinallyVickitriesZ.,andyes,Z.justheardfromhim.Niccalledher—fromSanFrancisco.Herewegoagain.She

saysthatwhenhecalledher,hewashigh.Ofcourse.

Iwantthistostop.Icannotbearit.IwishthatIcouldexpungeNicfrommybrain.IyearnforaprocedureliketheoneCharlieKaufmaninventsinamoviehewrote,EternalSunshineoftheSpotlessMind.Adoctorprovidesaserviceforpeoplewhosufferfromthepaincausedbyatraumaticrelationship.Heliterallyeraseseverytraceoftheperson.IfantasizethatIcouldhavetheprocedure,haveNicwipedfrommybrain.Sometimesitfeelsasifnothingshortofalobotomycouldhelp.WhereisNic?Icannottakethisanylonger.AndyeteverytimeIthinkIcan'ttakeanymore,Ido.

Utterdespondencyisfollowedbyafranticimpulsetodosomething,anything.Iknowbetter,butIamdesperatetofindhim.Whenshehearstheplan,Karenshakesherhead."Itwon'thelptofindhimifhedoesn'twanttobefound,"shesays.Shelooksatmewithconcernand—whatisit?Exasperation.Sorrow."You'lljustbedisappointed."

Isay,"Iknow,"andIdon'tsayanythingmore,evenasmybraincalculates:itwon'thelptofindhimifhedoesn'twanttobefound,buthecoulddieandthenitwillbetoolate.Waitingisghastly.Karen,sensingmyanguish,finallysuccumbs."Goahead,"shesays."Lookforhim.Itcan'thurt."Icantellthatshe'stryinghardnottojudgemeorNic,butsheisincreasinglyangryandfrustratedbytherelentlessness,andsheresentstheimpactonJasperandDaisy.Onus.Onme.Sheresentsthatshehaslostmetoworrying."Goon,"shesays."Maybeyou'llfeelbetterfortrying."

AndsoIaminthecityagain,drivingalongMissionStreet,peeringintotheopendoorwaysofshopsandtaqueriasandbars.Iexamineeveryface,continuallyseeingNic.Everyotherpersonlookslikehim.NextIparkonAshburyandslowlywalkalongHaight

Street,zigzaggingbackandforthacrossthestreet,checkingheadshopsandbookstoresandapizzaplaceandcaféandAmoeba.IreturntoGoldenGatePark,makingmywaytotheclearingwhereImetthemeth-addictedgirlfromOhio.Exceptfortwowomen,whosetoddlersplayonablanket,itisdeserted.

Backhome,IdialRandy.Helistenspatientlytotheanguishinmyvoiceandthenassuresme:"Nicwon'tstayoutlong.He'snothavinganyfun."Ihopehe'sright,butIamnolessworriedthathecouldoverdoseorotherwisecauseirreparabledamage.

Nicisgoneaweek.Thenanother.Interminabledaysandnights.Itrytokeepbusy.Itrytowork.Wemakeplanswithfriends—thesameoneswhoweregoingtothebeachwithKarenandthekidswhenNicwasarrested.Withbikesstrappedontoracksthathangfromthebacksofourcars,onapristineSaturdaymorningwemeetthemattheparkinglotatBearValley.Betweenourtwofamilies,thereareeightbikes,rangingfromfancyfourteen-speedstothelittlestgirl'stiny,rattlingSchwinn.

BearValleyisgoldandverdant,andthesky,filteredthroughthetrees,isablue-whitecanopy.WepedalalongadirttrailtoameadowandfromtheredownarockypathtowardArchRock.Toreachit,wehavetoleaveourbikesandhikethelastmile.

Theforesttrail,whichfollowsastream,isedgedwithfirandBishoppineandchinquapinandgnarledandtwistingoaks.Attheend,weclimbuptoasheercliffwithastartlinglookoutonthesea,wheresealspoketheirheadsupnearajaggedrockthatemergeslikeaglacierfromtheocean.

Nowwefollowanotherpath,thisonelinedwithstickymonkeyflower,myrtle,andiris.Rust-coloredmossgrowsongraniteboulders.Jaspersaysit'slikebeinginLordoftheRingsonFrodo'squest.Atthebottom,underArchRock,timingitsothatwecanrunpastacrashingwaveafterithasbeensuckedbackintotheocean,wetraversearockypointandclimbdownontoafingernailofbeach.Thefloorispolishedquartzandspongyseaweed.

Thepathleadsbacktothetrailhead.JasperandIarethefirsttoarrive.Wemountourbikesandcontinueahead.Theplanistomeetupagainatthemeadow.

Whenwereachit,weleanourbikesagainstatreeandrestonafallenlogunderanoak.Jasperpointsoutintothemeadow—"Look!"There'sanastonishingswathofshockingpinkflowers,exoticsleftoverfromalong-abandonedgarden:pinkladies,pinklikecottoncandy.

Wesittherequietly,listeningtobirdsongandwindintheleaves.SuddenlyIamfloodedwithdéjàvu.Ihavebeenherebefore.Sittingonthissamelog.ButwithNic.Morethanadecadeago.Myheartpumpsandmyeyeswater.Nicclimbedthistree.Climbing,hecalledtome:"Dad,lookatme!I'mwayuphere!"

Heabsentmindedlysang:"Allmimsyweretheborogoves,andthemomerathsoutgrabe."

Heclimbedhigherupandthenbegantoshimmyoutontoathickbranchthatreachedoverthemeadow."Lookatme,Dad!Lookatme!"

"Iseeyou."

"I'mupinthesky."

"Fantastic."

"I'mhigherthantheclouds."

Heslidfartheroutalongthegnarledlimb."Pullingweeds,"hesang."Pickingstones.Wearemadeofdreamsandbones."Apuffofwindshookthetree;itsleavestrembledandbranchesswayed."Iwanttocomedown,"Nicsaidsuddenly.

"It'sOK,Nic.You'refine.Justtakeitslowly."

"Ican't,"hecalled."I'mstuck."

"Youcan,"Isaid."Youcandoit."

"Ican'tgetdown."Hebegancrying.

"Takeyourtime,"Isaid."Findonefootholdatatime.Goslowly."

"Ican't."

"Youcan."

Hewrappedhisganglylegsandarmstighteraroundthebranch.

"I'llfall."

"Youwon't."

"Iwill."

Istooddirectlyunderneathandyelleduptohim,"You'refine.

Takeyourtime."Isaidit,butIwasthinking,I'llcatchyouifyoufall.

SittingherewithJasper,remembering,afewtearsslidefrommyeyes.Jasperimmediatelynotices."You'rethinkingaboutNic,"hesays.

Inod."I'msorry.Iwasjustremindedofhim.Irememberwhenhewasyouragewewerehere."

Jaspernods."Ithinkabouthimalot,too."WesittogetherundertheancienttreesayingnothinguntilKaren,Daisy,andourfriendscallouttous.

Onamorningthefollowingweek,Karennoticesthatsomethingisamissinourhouse.Justafewthingsoutofplace.Ahairbrushonthefloor.Somebooksandmagazinesstrewnonacouch.Asweaterismissing.

Iamworkinginmyoffice,butIjoinherinthelivingroom."Whatareyoutalkingabout?"Iask.ImmediatelyIamprotective.Myknee-jerkreactionisthatKarenisoverreacting,paranoid—alwaysreadytoblameNic.

"No.Someone—"Shestops."Comelook."

Ifollowher,andmymindclicksfromdefensivenesstoacceptance.Nichasbeenhere.Hebrokein.Togetherwecheckthroughoutthehouseandfind,inourbedroom,abrokendeadboltonaFrenchdoor.Thedoor'sredwoodastragalissplinteredbeyondrepair.OnlythendoInoticethatmydeskdrawershavebeenransacked.

EachtimeKarenorIdiscoveranotherviolation,wearehitanewbyacombinationofsadnessandfury.Howcouldhedothis?Weclosedourbankaccountswhenheforgedournamesonourchecks,canceledcreditcardswhenhestolethem.We'llhavetodoitagain.NowIcallalocksmithandaburglar-alarmcompany.

Ialsocallthesheriff,reportingthebreak-in.IfanyonehadtoldmebeforeIencounteredaddictionthatIwouldbecallingthesheriffonmyson,Iwouldhavethoughtthatthatpersonwastheoneondrugs.Idon'twantNicarrested.Imagininghiminjailsickensme.Couldanythinggoodcomeofit?SuddenlyIsharethefeelingsoftheparentsImetinsomeoftheAl-Anonmeetingswhosechildrenwereinjailandwhosaid,"AtleastIknowwheresheis."And:"It'ssafer."Thesadironyisthatasviolentasjailcanbe,asbleakandhopeless,itisprobablysaferforNicthanthestreets.

Thelocksmithwhocomesisaburlymaninjeansandaworkshirt.Ishowhimthelocksonthedoorsandwindowsthatwewanthimtochange.It'sanexpensiveandhumiliatingexperience,becauseI'mhonestwhenheasks,"Justaprecautionorhaveyouhadanyproblems?"

MyvoicecatcheswhenIreply,"Myson."

Thenextday,wehearfromfriendswholiveinInvernessbelowManka's,theformerhuntinglodgethatisnowarenownedrestaurant.Aworkmanarrivedthismorning,meetinghiscrew,andsawtwoboysduckoutawindowoftheirhouse.Theboyscutalongthesideandretreatedinanoldsun-fadedredMazda.Theboyswerequickintheirflight,buttheman,whomweknow,recognizedNic.Igoovertothehouse.TheremnantsofNic'snightareuntouched:heandhisfriendsleptonthelivingroomfloor.Nothingmuchisdisturbed,buttherearecottonballs,silverfoilpackets,andotheraccoutrementsof

smokingandshootingmeth.

WhereelsemightNicbreakin?It'snevereasytofathomexactlywhatmotivatesadrugaddict,butIamstruckthatNicisdrawnbacktoplaceswhereheisloved—ourhouse,ourfriends',hisgrandparents'.It'sprobablymerelyconvenience,whenhedoesn'tknowwhereelsetogo,butcoulditbeanunconsciousdesiretoreturnhometosafety?Whateverthereason,whenheinflictshiscrazinessuponus,itbecomesevenmoredifficulttofeelcompassion.Webecomeafraidofhim.

Itisthenextmorning,andKarenisoutsidewhen,surreally,sheseesNicdrivebyinhisMazda,smokebillowingfromthetailpipe.Theymakeeyecontact.Hestepsonthegas,gunningthecar,whichcreepsupthehillpastthehouse.

Karen,puzzled,doesadoubletake.Yes,itisNic.Shecallstome.

Ijumpinthecarandchasehim.WhatwillIdo?IsupposeIwilljusttellhimhowheartbrokenweare.Andwarnhimthatthepolicehavebeencalled.Hehadbetterstop,gethelp,callRandy.

Idrivethewindinghillsidestreetsaboveourhouse.Therewasawildfireheretenyearsago.Forty-fivehomesandmorethantwelvethousandacresburned.Thereturningoaks,pine,andDouglasfirarenowthesizeofsmallChristmastrees.Idrivestreetsthatsnakethroughcanyonsandontheridgeside,butIcan'tfindhim.

Iheadbackdownthehillandpullintoourthedriveway,noticingthatourothercarisgone.Iruninside.JasperandDaisytellmethat

KarensawNicdrivingdownthehill—somehowIhadmissedhim—andsheleapedinthecar.Sheisfollowinghisancientcarinourownancientcar,thebeat-up,rusted-outVolvostationwagonthatcanhardlyreachfortymilesperhour.

ItryKaren'scellphone,butitrattlesandringsinthebedroom,afewfeetawayfromme.Thekidslookworried,soIreassurethem.BynowtheyknowthatNichasrelapsed,buthowcantheyunderstandwhatitmeansthattheirmotherhasjumpedintothecar,leftthemhomealone,anddrivenoffinpursuitoftheirbrother?

Shedoesn'tcomehomeforalmostanhour,bywhichtimeIamcrazywithworry,butforthekids'sakepretendingthatthisisnormal,againreassuringthem.Wewaitinthelivingroom.WhenKarenpullsintothedriveway,werushoutside.ShesaysthatshefollowedNicdownHighway1andupoverthemountainousStinsonBeachRoad.Finallysherealizedthatitwasludicrous—whatwouldshehavedoneifshe'dcaughthim?—andsoshestopped.

"Whatwouldyouhavedoneifyoucaughthim?"Jasperasks.

"I'mnotsure,"shesays.Shelooksbeleaguered;shehasbeencrying.

Later,whenwe'realone,sheconfidestome,"Iwantedtotellhimtogethelp,butmostlyIwaschasinghim—chasinghimawayfromourhouse—fromJasperandDaisy."

It'snotthatweneedareminder,buttheabsurdmorningtellsushowoutofcontrolourliveshavebecome.Itwasfoolishtotrytochasehim,butwehavesuccumbedtotheirrationalitythatfestersalongwithaddiction.

Threedayslater,onSundaymorning,thephonerings,butnooneisontheotherend.Thenithappensagain.There'sanumberonthecallerIDthatIdon'trecognize.

Usingthereverselookupfeatureonanywho.com,Ilearnthatthephoneisunderafamiliarname.Ittakesawhileformetoplaceit.It'stheparentsofagirlNicknewinhighschool.Icallbutreachanansweringmachine,onwhichIleaveamessage."I'mtryingtoreachmyson.HisnameisNicSheff.Hecalledfromthisnumber."

Thegirl'sstepmotherreturnsmycall.IamastoundedbywhatIhear."You'reNic'sfather?It'ssonicetotalktoyou,"shesays."Whatagreatsonyouhave.He'sapleasuretohavearound.We'vebeensoworriedaboutApril,andhe'ssuchagoodinfluenceonher."

"Agoodinfluenceonher?"

IsighandtellheraboutNic'srelapseanddisappearance.Sheisstunned.SheexplainsthatherstepdaughterhasbeeninandoutofrehabfordrugaddictionandNichasseemedsosupportiveofherrecovery.

Intheafternoon,Niccalls.Hetellsmeeverything—hehasrelapsed,isusingmethandheroin.Ihaverehearsedmyresponse.Ishakilytellhimthatthere'snothingIcando.It'suptohim.Isaythatthepolicearesearchingforhim,thathismotherreportedhimmissingtotheSantaMonicapolice,andthattheMarinsheriffsarepatrollingourhomeandthehomeofourfriendswherehebrokein.Isay,"Doyouwanttowindupinjail?That'swhereyou'reheaded."

"God,"Nicsays."Pleasehelpme.WhatdoIdo?"

"AllIknowtotellyoutodoiswhatyoualreadyknow.Whatdotheytellyouintheprogram?Callyoursponsor.CallRandy.Idon'tknowwhatelsetosay."

Heiscrying.Isaynothing.Thisisn'thowIwanttorespond.Iwanttodrivetothecitytogethim.ButIrepeat,"CallRandy."ItellhimthatIlovehimandhopethathegetshislifetogether.Imaysoundresolvedorresigned,butI'mneitherofthosethings.

Ihangup.Mytemplespound.Iwanttocallback.IwanttotellhimI'mcoming.ButIdon't.

Randycallsinahalf-hourorso.HesaysthatheheardfromNicandencouragedhimtoreturntoLA."ItoldhimthatImisshim,"Randysays."Ido.Itoldhimtogethisassbackhere—I'mwaiting.Hesoundsreadytocomein."

Ibreathe.WhenIthankRandy,hesays,"Noneedtothankme.ThisishowIstayalive."Headds,"AndIreallydomissthatknucklehead."

VickiandItalk.WearebothrelievedtohearthatNichasagreedtogobacktoLA,toRandy—totheprogram.However,we'rebothshell-shocked,unableorunwillingtoacceptthateverythingmaybeallrightagain.It'salltooprecarious.

Intheevening,Vickicalls.Nic,whohadenoughmoneyleftforataxitotheairportandaplaneticket,madeitbacktoLA.Shepickedhimupattheairportanddroppedhimoffathisapartment,wherehisroommatewelcomedNichomewithapatontheback.

Nicimmediatelyretreatedtohisbedroom,wherehefellasleep.WhenIcall,TedtellsmethatNicissleepingitoff."Detoxingisn'tanyfun,buthehastogothroughit,"hesays."There'snothingyoucando.Justpray."

Niccallsinthemorning.Hisvoiceishoarse.WhenIaskhowhefeels,hegrufflyresponds,"Howdoyouthink?"HerecountshisdeparturefromSanFrancisco."IdidwhatRandytoldmetodo,"hesays."Iprayed.Ijustkeptsaying,'Pleasehelpme.'Ikeptrepeatingit.WhenIwasgettingreadytogo,Aprilsawmeandfreakedout.ShegrabbedontomylegandwascryingandscreamingthatIcouldn'tleave.ButifIstayed,we'dbothdie.Itoldher,butitdidn'thelp."Hecries."Ifuckedupbad."

OverthefollowingdaysItrytobeoptimistic,butI'minaconfusedfrenzy.IstillactasifI'mOKaroundDaisyandJasper,butIbreakdownwithKaren.

IgotoanAl-AnonmeetinginaroomatachurchinCorteMadera.Iamshaking,unabletorestrainmyself,andwhenit'smyturn,Iblurtoutareconstructionofthepastcoupleweeks.AsI'mspeakinginarushoftearsandpanic,Ithink,Someoneelseistalking.Thisisnotmylife.Finally,drained,Isay,"Idon'tknowhowallyoupeopleinthisroomsurvivethis."AndIcry.Sodomanyoftheothers.

Afterthemeeting,asIhelpfoldandstackthemetalchairs,awomanwhomIhavenevermetcomesuptomeandhugsme,andIhorrifymyselfbyweepinginherarms."Keepcomingback,"shesays.

Sometimesitstartlesmethatlifegoeson,butitdoes,inexorably.

Jaspercomesintomyoffice.Hewearsshortflannelpajamasandfurryslippers.Daisy,herslept-onhairmessy,hasonaT-shirtandrainbow-stripedpantsandshecarriesUni,herstuffedunicorn.ThenKaren,thekids,andImakewaffles.Aftereating,JasperandDaisylaunchagameofhide-and-seek.Jasperisit,andDaisyzoomsdownthehallway.Hecalls,"Readyornot,"andhuntsherdown.Hediscoversher,coiledlikeacatinsidethesamebasketshealwayshidesin.Jaspertipsthebasketandspillsheroutontotheconcretefloorandthentripsoverhersprawledbodyandfallsontopofher.Theylaughlikehyenas.Daisyuncoilsandleapsup,makingarunforit,withJasperinhotpursuit.TheycareenbyusanddiveintoNic'svacantbedroom,designatedbaseinspiteofthebadmemoriesthatseempermanentlysoakedintothewalls.

Nexttheydressandgooutsideandthrowalacrosseballbackandforth.Withinminutes,asalways,theylosetheball.Thegardenhasamystifyingpowerofattractionforballs:lacrosseballs,tennisballs,soccerballs,footballs,baseballs—andnotonlyballs,butpapergliders,modelrockets,Frisbees.Theylookunderbushesandhedgesforawhilebuttheballisgoneintothegarden'sblackhole.Thekidsgiveupandsitonthegravel,fromwhereweoverheartheirhandclappinggame:"Lemonade,crunchyice.Beatitonce,beatittwice."NextwehearJaspersay,"DoyouthinkthatNiclookslikeBobDylan?"Theothernight,wewatchedavideothathadinitaperformancebyDylaninGreenwichVillageattwentyorsoyearsold.

Daisydoesn'tresponddirectly,butasks,"Doyouknowwhythatguydoesdrugs?"

Jaspersays,"Hethinksitmakeshimfeelbetter."

"Theydon't.Theymakehimfeelallsadandbad."

Jasperresponds,"Idon'tthinkhewantstodothem,buthecan'thelpit.It'slikeincartoonswhensomecharacterhasadevilononeshoulderandanangelontheother.ThedevilwhispersintoNicky'searandsometimesitgetstooloudsohehastolistentohim.Theangelisthere,too,"Jaspercontinues,"buthetalkssofterandNiccan'thearhim."

IntheeveningNicreportsthatRandyalmosthadtodraghimoutofbedandontoabicycle."IfeltlikeIwantedtodie,"hesays,"butRandydidn'ttakenoforananswer.Hesaidhewouldpickmeup,soIgotready.RandywasthereandIgotonmybikeandfeltlikeshit,didn'tthinkIcouldpedaldowntheblock,nevermindupthecoast,butthenIfeltthewind,andthememoryinmybodytookoverandwerodeforawhile."ThereissomelifebackinNic'svoice,andIamleftwithahopefulimage:NiconhisbikeintheSouthernCaliforniasunshine,ridingalongthebeach.

Ontheweekend,whenNiccallsagain,heiseagertotalk.Heexpressesastonishmentthatherelapsed."Iwassoberforeighteenmonths,"hesays."Igotcocky.It'sthistrickofaddiction.Youthink,Mylifeisn'tunmanageable,I'mdoingfine.Youloseyourhumbleness.Youthinkyou'resmartenoughtohandleit."Headmitsthatheisashamed—mortified—aboutthisrelapseandclaimsthatheisredoublinghisefforts."I'vebeengoingtotwomeetingsaday,"hesays."Ihavetostartthestepsallover."OfcourseIamrelieved(onceagain)andhopeful(onceagain).I'malwaysevaluating:What'sdifferentthistime?Isitdifferent?Indeed,heismakingprogress,the

kindyoulearntomeasuredaybyday.Randyhelpshimgetanewjob.Togethertheybegintoworkthetwelvestepsagain.Eachdaybeforeorafterwork,theygoonlongbikerides.

AthomeinInverness,KarenandIworkonananalogousrecovery.ThroughAl-AnonandthetherapistKarenandIcontinuetoseeonoccasion,weunderstandthewaysthatourliveshavebecomeunmanageable,too.Minehas.Mywell-beinghasbecomedependentonNic's.Whenheisusing,I'minturmoil;whenhe'snot,I'mOK,butthereliefistenuous.Thetherapistsaysthatparentsofkidsondrugsoftengetaformofposttraumaticstresssyndromemadeworsebytherecurringnatureofaddiction.Forsoldiersbackfrombattle,thesniperfireandbombsareintheirheads.Forparentsofanaddict,anewbarragecancomeatanymoment.Wetrytoguardagainstit.Wepretendthateverythingisallright.Butwelivewithatimebomb.Itisdebilitatingtobedependentonanother'smoodsanddecisionsandactions.IbristlewhenIhearthewordcodependent,becauseit'ssuchaclichéofself-helpbooks,butIhavebecomecodependentwithNic—codependentonhiswell-beingformine.Howcanaparentnotbecodependentonachild'shealthorlackofit?Buttheremustbeanalternative,becausethisisnowaytolive.IhavecometolearnthatmyworryaboutNicdoesn'thelphim,anditharmsJasper,Daisy,Karen—andme.

Amonthpasses.Two.InJune,IamgoingtoLAtoconductaninterview.IaskNicifhewantstomeetmefordinner.

Ipickhimupinfrontofhisapartment.Wehugwhenweseeeachother.Steppingback,Ilookathimandtrytotakeinwhatisthere.BynowIhavelearnedenoughtoknowthatatsomepoint,addicts,

especiallymethaddicts,don'trecover—atleastforalong,longtime.Someneverrecover.Thephysical,nevermindthemental,debilitationcanbepermanent.ButNic'seyesarelight-filledbrown,andhisbodyseemsstrongagain.He'syoungenoughtobounceback,oratleastitlooksasifhehas.Hislaughseemseasyandhonest.ButIhaveobservedthistransformationbefore.

Wetakeawalkandmakesmalltalk—theupcomingelection,stufflikethat.Moviesarealwayssafe."Iwanttoapologize,"hesays,buthisvoicecatchesandheissilent.Forthemomentitseemstobeimpossibleforhim.Maybethereistoomuchtoapologizefor.

WemeetagainthenexteveningandIaccompanyhimtoanAAmeeting.Whiledrinkingtepidcoffeefrompapercups,weintroduceourselves."I'mNic,adrugaddictandalcoholic,"hesays.Whenit'smyturn,Isay,"I'mDavid,fatherofanaddictandalcoholic,heretosupportmyson."

Themeeting'sspeakersaysthathehasbeeninrecoveryforayear.Thereisapplause.Hetellsstoriesabouttheimpactonhislife.Lastweek,hesays,hefoundhimselfalonewithafriend'sgirlfriend,towhomhehadbeenattractedforyears.Shebegantocomeontohim.Anyothertimeinhislifehewouldhavebeenelatedandwouldn'thavethoughttwiceaboutsleepingwithher,buthestartedtokissherandthenstoppedhimself.Hesaid,"Ican'tdothis,"andheleft.Outsideherapartmentbuilding,walkinghome,hebegancryinguncontrollably.Hesays,"Itdawnedonme.Ihavegottenmymoralsback."NicandIlookateachotherwith...what?Tentativeness.Andforthefirsttimeinalongtime,tenderness.

IamcontinuouslyremindedthatnothingiseasyforNic.Myheartgoesouttohim.Iwanttodosomethingtohelp,butthere'snothingtobedone.Iwanthimtoacknowledgethetraumaticpastandpromisethatitwillneverhappenagain.Hecan't.Whenwetalk,infact,IrealizethatNichasdiscoveredthebitterestironyofearlysobriety.Yourrewardforyourhardworkinrecoveryisthatyoucomeheadlongintothepainthatyouweretryingtogetawayfromwithdrugs.Hesaysthathesometimesfeelsoptimistic,butothertimesheisdepressedanddesolate."SometimesIdon'tthinkIcanmakeit,"hesays.Hefeelsoverwhelmedbythisrelapse."HowcouldIhavefuckedupsobadly?"heasks."Ican'tbelieveIdidit.Ialmostlosteverything.Idon'tthinkIcanfacestartingoveragain."

Nicadmitsthatsometimeshefantasizesaboutrelapsing.Hedreamsaboutit.Again.Always.Hisdreamsarevividandghastly.Hefeelsatoncetheabhorrenceandtheseductionofdrugs.Hecantastethem.Hetastescrystal,smellsit,feelstheneedlepiercehisskin,feelsthedrugcomingon,andthedreamturnsintoanightmarebecausehecannotstop.Hewakesuppanting,inasweat.

IknowthatbeingsoberismoredifficultforNicthanIcancomprehend.Ifeelsympathyandprideforhishardwork.WhenIgetangryaboutthepast—thelies,thebreak-ins,thebetrayals—Irestrainmyselffromsayinganythingorevenreacting.Itdoesnogood.IthinkitwasinNewYorkthatNicandIsawTheRoyalTenenbaumstogether.Nico—hervoicepained—singsJacksonBrowne's"TheseDays."Ihearhersingthehauntinglyric:"Don'tconfrontmewithmyfailures.Ihavenotforgottenthem."IhavetoremindmyselfthatifNic'srelapseshorrifyme,it'sworseforhim.Isuffer,Vickisuffers,Karensuffers,JasperandDaisysuffer,myparentssuffer,Karen'ssuffer,otherswholoveNicsuffer,buthesuffersmore."Don'tconfrontmewithmyfailures.Ihavenotforgottenthem."

Todaywasparticularlytough,Nicsayswhenhecalls.Indeed,hesoundsdepleted.Hiscarbrokedownonhiswaytoaninterviewforajobhe'sexcitedabout.Asaresult,hemissedtheinterview.Ialwaysworryifthesenormal,everydayfrustrationswillbetoomuchforhim,butheandRandywentriding.Theyrodeforhoursandtalkedabouttheprogram,AA,thetwelvesteps,andhowdifficultitistoopenuptotheworld,buthowmuchthereistogainwhenyoudo.Sobrietyisonlythebeginning,andistheonlybeginning.

ThoughtheyhavespokenonthetelephonewithNic,Karen,Jasper,andDaisyhavenotseenhimsincetherelapse.WekeeptryingtoexplainittoJasperandDaisy."Hehasadisease"doesn'tbegintocomfortthem.It'sawhollyunsatisfying,confusingexplanation.Fromtheirperspective,thesymptomsofadiseasearethingslikecoughing,fevers,orasorethroat.TheclosesttheygettounderstandingisJasper'simageofthedevilandtheangel,competingforNic'ssoul.Regardless,DaisyandJaspermisshim.KarenandIareunwillingtoletNicvisitusinInverness.Weneedmoretime.Nicseemstounderstand.Wearenotreadytohavehimcomehomeagain—notafterthislasttime.Notafterthestolenchecks,thecarchase,thetraumaticbreak-insatourandourfriends'homes,thethefts,thetraumaofnotknowing—imagininghiminthetrunkofacardrivingeastacrossthecountry,Sacramento,Reno,Billings,Montana.Butinlatesummer,wearetakingavacationtoMolokai,Hawaii,stayingintentcabinsaboveabeach,andKarensuggeststhatweusesomefrequent-fliermilesandinviteNictojoinus.Finallyshe'sreadytoseehim.Forusboth,itfeelssafertomeetonneutralterritory,andavacationisalesscomplicatedtimetotrytobegintoreunite.

***

OnthedayofNic'sarrival,thefourofusdrivetothesingle-runwayairportonMolokaitomeethim.Asalways,thereunioncombinesexcitementwithintensenervousness.

"Daisy,youhaveastuffylittlenose,missypants,"Nicgusheswhenheseesher,pickingDaisyupinabearhugandspinninginacircle."It'ssogoodtoseeyou,littleboinky.

"Andyou,mister,"hesays,squattingdowntomeetJasper'sfulleyes."Ihavemissedyoumorethanthesunmissesthemoonatnight."Hesqueezeshimtoo.

Duringthelongdrivetothecamp,thereissomediffidenceandawkwardness,butthenJasperasksforaPJstory,andwearebackinsafeterritory.

Nicbegins:"PJFumblebumble,London'sgreatestdetective,awoke."HeusesaBritishaccentthatborrowspitchandtenorfromthenarratorofRockyandBullwinklecartoons."Aseverybodyknows,PJFumblebumbleisthegreatestdetectiveinallofLondon.However,forthoseofyouwhohavespentyourwholelifelivinginacaveorinahutburiedbeneathsnow,I'lljustsaythatifanythingweretoevergoamissforyou—amissingparakeet,aburglarinthebedroom,nosyrupforyourpancakes—there'sonlyonemanthatyouneedbothertocall.Thatman,asyouprobablyguessed,istheone,theonly,InspectorPJFumblebumble.Childrenwanttobehim,menarefiercelyjealousofhim,andwomenswoonattheverymentionofhisname."

NichasbeentellinginstallmentsofthesestoriesaboutPJandLadyPenelopeforyears.Thekidslovethem."Themanistallandthin,"Niccontinues,"lankyandleanlikealollipopstickwithlegsandacarefullygroomedhandlebarmustache.Hisnoseisenormous

andhooked.Itcanfollowascentaswellasacommonbloodhound.Hisearsareequallykeenandoversized.Hishairisbeginningtograyandfalloutontop,whilehiseyesrequiretheaidofround,wire-rimmedspectacles.Dashingandbold,heisagingwithdistinction.Theman'shandsarelarge,withfingersofknottedrope.HisAdam'sappleisroundandprotrudesmarvelously."

ThePJstorytakesmostoftheridetothecampsite.Aftertheconclusion—PJarreststhevileProfessorJulian"PoopyShoes"Pipsqueak—thekidsupdateNicaboutschoolandtheirfriends.

"Tashahasgottenmeanerandshealwayscopiesme,"Daisyissaying."SheignoresRichard,whofollowsheraround.Itmakeshimcry."

"Thesnobbylittleprig,"answersNic,stillBritishfromPJ.

Wedrivealongandgazeoutonred-earthvistas.Inamoment,Jasperquietlyasks:"Nic,areyougoingtousedrugsanymore?"

"Noway,"Nicsays."Iknowyouworry,butI'llbeallright."

Theyarequiet.Westareattheredclayandspythefirstglimpseofthebreakingsurf.

Atthebeachsidecamp,thefiveofusriderentalbikes,playinthesand,andswimtogetherinthewaves.KarenreadsaloudTreasureIslandintheshadeofpalmtrees.

Oneafternoonwegototownforicecream,toashopwithchairswithtwistedwirebacksandlegs.TheassortmentofflavorsisuniquelyHawaiian:sweetpotato,greentea,andmacadamianutswirl.

Itisstrikingtomehowourdualrealitiesonceagainblur.It'sprobablyavestigialsurvivalmechanism.Now,insteadofrecallingtheoverwhelmingcalamityandevil,Iamsweptupinthelovelinessofthechildrenheretogetherandthenaturalbeauty.Ifeelasifweareallbeingwashedcleanbytheoceanandwarmtropicalbreeze.FeelinghopefulaboutNic'sfuture,Icantuckthedarknessofhisaddictionaway—nottoforgetit,butIsetitaside—andmeanwhileappreciatethesublimity.Asunset,thecleargreenwater,poetryinthemusicthatplaysonCDsinthecar—Lennonsinging"Julia,"VanMorrison's"AstralWeeks."Forthemoment,evilisatbay.

Thenightisfilledwiththesoundsofcricketsandmiceskitteringacrossthewoodfloor.Fromtheirtentwiththreesinglebeds,wealsocanhearNicreadingtoJasperandDaisy.HehaspickedupTheWitcheswhereheleftoffmorethantwoyearsago.

Aftergoodbyesattheairport,weboardseparatejets,NicforLA,usforSanFrancisco.

Aweeklater,IamwithJasperinPointReyesStation,wherewepickupthemail.There'sastackofbills,lettersfromtheirschoolwithascheduleforthenewyear,andaletterforJasper—fromNic.Jasperopenstheenvelopecarefully.Heunfoldstheletterandholdsitinhishands,readingaloud.Inhisneatscriptonpapertornoutofanotebook,Nicwrites,"I'mlookingforawaytosayI'msorrymorethanwithjustthemeaninglessnessofthosetwowords.IalsoknowthatthismoneycanneverreplaceallthatIstolefromyouintermsofthefearandworryandcrazinessthatIbroughttoyouryounglife.Thetruthis,Idon'tknowhowtosayI'msorry.Iloveyou,butthathasneverchanged.Icareaboutyou,butIalwayshave.I'mproudofyou,

butnoneofthatmakesitanybetter.IguesswhatIcanofferyouisthis:Asyou'regrowingup,wheneveryouneedme—totalkorjustwhatever—I'llbeabletobethereforyounow.ThatissomethingthatIcouldneverpromiseyoubefore.Iwillbehereforyou.Iwilllive,andbuildalife,andbesomeonethatyoucandependon.Ihopethatmeansmorethanthisstupidnoteandtheseeightdollarbills."

PARTVNeveranyknowing

JOEL

Howexactlyisthisgoingtoworktonight?

(AsMierzwiaktalks,theroomcolorsstarttofade.Mierzwiak'stoneofvoiceisalsoaffected;itbecomesdryandmonotonous.)

MIERZWIAK

We'llstartwithyourmostrecentmemoriesandgobackwards—Thereisanemotionalcoretoeachofourmemories—Asweeradicatethiscore,itstartsitsdegradationprocess—Bythetimeyouwakeupinthemorning,allmemorieswehavetargetedwillhavewitheredanddisappeared.Likeadreamuponwaking.

JOEL

Isthereanysortofriskofbraindamage?

mierzwiak

Well,technically,theprocedureitselfisbraindamage,butonparwithaheavynightofdrinking.Nothingyou'llevermiss.

—CHARLIEKAUFMAN,EternalSunshineoftheSpotlessMind

20Myarticle"MyAddictedSon"appearsintheNewYorkTimesMagazineinFebruary.NicandIbothhearfromfriendsandstrangers,sharingthefeedback.Bothofusareencouraged,becauseitseemsasifourfamily'sstoryhastouchedmanypeople—and,accordingtosome,helpedthem,especiallythosewhohavebeenthroughsomeversionofthis,orwhoaregoingthroughitnow.

WhenNicisaskedtowritehismemoir,heenthusiasticallygoesforward.Andthereactioninspiresmetowanttowritemoreaboutit—togodeeper.SoonIhaveabookdeadline,thoughIwouldcontinuewritingwithoutone.Writingisenormouslypainful,andwritingthisstoryissometimesexcruciating.Writingeveryday,IgothroughtheemotionsIfeltatthetimeofthestoryI'mremembering.Irelivethehell.ButIalsorelivethemomentsofhopeandmiracleandlove.

LaterinFebruary,weplantospendtheweekendskiingatLakeTahoe.Nicgetsafewdaysoffworksohecanjoinus.Thekidsskitogether.Intheevening,NictellsthemPJstoriesbythefire.

Whenwetalkaboutit,Nicseemsemphaticallycommittedtohissobriety.Ihavelearnedtocheckmyoptimism,butstill,it'sgoodtohearNicdiscussthelifeheisrebuildingandbuildinganewinLA.Inadditiontohisbook,heiswritingshortstoriesandmoviereviewsforanonlinemagazine.Itseemssofittingthathe'sreviewingmovies,sincetheyaresuchabigpartofhislife.EverydayinLA,Nicbikes,swims,orruns.Sometimeshedoesallthree.NicandRandyrideupanddownthecoastfromSantaMonica.Theyridethroughthe

canyons,uphillsides,throughthecity,andalongbeaches.

WhenIdrivehimtotheairportafterhisvisitinthemountains,hetellsmethatheloveshislife.Heusesthosewords."Ilovemylife."

HesaysthathisrideswithRandyenlivenandsustainhim."Thehighissosososomuchbetterthandrugseverwere,"hesays."Itisthehighofafulllife.Riding,Ifeelitall."

Yes,Iamoptimistic.DoIstopworrying?No.

ItisJune2.Afewdaysbeforethisyear'sstep-upceremonyatDaisyandJasper'sschool—sheissteppinguptofourthgrade,Jaspertosixth.KarenandIarehomeinInverness.SuddenlyIfeelasifmyheadisexploding.

Peopleusethisasanexpression.Notthistime.Ireallyfeelasifmyheadisexploding.

"Karen,call911."

Shestaresatmeaminute,doesn'tcomprehendwhatI'msaying."Areyou..."

Sheplacesthecall.

Ittakestenorfifteenminutesforthreemen,carryingboxesandmachinesandastretcher,toarrive.Theysetupnearmeinthelivingroom.Theyaskquestionsandperformapreliminaryexaminationwhilestrappingonablood-pressureandheartmonitor.TheyaskwhichhospitalIprefer.

Iaminthebackofanambulance.

Ilieintheambulancewithtwomenhoveringoverme.Theytalktome.Icannotunderstand.Iamsick,repeatedlythrowingupintoaplasticreceptacle,apologizing.

Whentheambulancearrivesatthehospital,Kareniswaitingintheemergencyroomwithherfather.AnadmittingdoctorornursediscussesoptionswhenIhearDonquietlysaysomething.

"Haveyouconsideredasubarachnoidhemorrhage?MaybeyoushoulddoaCTscan."

Thedoctorornurseeyeshimwithsomeuncertaintybutsays,"Yes.We'lldoaCTrightaway."

Iamwheeleddownacorridorandintoanelevator.IamnotpanickedorfearfulthatIwilldiebecauseIamtooconfusedforsuchastraightforwardthought.Ifeelastrangepeacefulness.

Iammovedfrommygurneyontoalongplasticboardandfromthereontoanothergurneythatmoveslikeaconveyorbeltuntilmyheadisinsideasmalltunnel.Iamtoldnottomove.Whitelight,aclonkingnoise,bluelight.

Iamwheeledbacktotheemergencyroom.Bythen,Idon'tknow.Idon'tknow.

Myconditionworsens.Ihearthephrasecerebralhemorrhage.IknowonlythatIhaveheardofitandcanroughlydecipherthewordscerebral,thebrain;hemorrhage,bleeding.

LateatnightKarengoestoherparents',whereJasperandDaisy

areasleep.Inthemorning,early,thetelephonerings.Karen,whohasnotsleptmuch,answersit.Anurse—mynurse—iscalling."Ishouldwarnyou.Hecan'tspeak."

Atthehospital,aneurosurgeontakesKarenasideandtellsherthathewantstodrillaholeintomyskullandinsertashunt."Itwillalleviatethepressure."Shegivesherpermission.

Karen'ssisterisanurseattheUniversityofCaliforniaMedicalCenterandherclosefriendisaneuro-oncologistthere.Thedoctorvisitsmeatthehospitaland,afterconsultingwithmysurgeon,arrangesformetobemovedtotheneuroICUatUCinSanFrancisco.Itakeanotherambulanceride,thisoneovertheGoldenGateBridgeintothecity.

TheneuroICU.

Iamcrawlingoutofmyskin—toohot,unabletoliestill,withdrugstocombatdrugs—antinausea,antiswelling,anticoagulant,antipain,bloodpressuremadehigherbytheanxiety,requiringmoremedicationthatcausesmoreanxiety.Iamtapedandstrappedandstuckwithneedles,andtubesprotrudefrommybody—frommyarmsandmypenisandthetopofmyhead—likeNeoinMatrix.Atsomepointmypubichairisshavedforangiograms.Iitchfromthemorphine.Iamblastedbyharshlightsandhear/feelceaselesspoundingfromshrillmonitors.

Nic.

WhereisNic?WhereisNic?WhereisNic?WhereisNic?ImustcallNic.

Icannotrememberhistelephonenumber.

Threeonezero.

Whatcomesnext?

Onatimecubeonthebedsidetable,shimmeringnumbers,radioactiveblue-green,re-formsothatthetwomorphsintoathreeandthefiveandninedissolveintoapairofboxyzeros.Threeinthemorning.

Threeonezero.Thatishisareacode.

IfonlyIcouldquelltheincessantsonarlikepinging.IfIcouldextinguishthehummingice-whitelights.IfIcouldrecallNic'stelephonenumber.

Thenurseberatesmeforfiddlingwiththeshuntthatsticksoutofthetopofmyhead.

Iforgot.I'msorry.

Whenshe'sgone,Ireachupwithmyunencumberedhandandtracetheplastictubefromwhereitjutsoutlikeapearstemfromtheshavedpatchatthetopofmyskull.

ThethinhoseloopsupwardlikeacurlingflumetoanShookthatdanglesfromametalstand.Fromthere,itmakesaswandive,plungingintoasealedplasticbag.

Imovemyheadtotheright.Afraction.WhenIdo,Iseethetubelikeanerrantarterycarryingatrailofclearfluidtingedwithred.Theliquid,slowlydrippingintothebag,isdrainingspinalandbrainfluid.Theredisthehemorrhagingblood.Anurseexplainsagain:Iambleedingdeepinsidemybraininthesubarachnoidspace.Whenthis

happens,itisalmostalwayscausedbyananeurism,aweakenedspotonanarterythatleaksblood.Isurmisethatoftenthebleedingislethal;itcanalsocausetemporaryorpermanentbraindamage.

Anewnurse.Shepushesbuttonsonthemonitors."Please,willyouhelpmecallmyson?Idon'trememberhistelephonenumber.Ihavetocallhim."

"Yourwifewillbehereinthemorning,"shesays."She'llhavethenumber."

Ineedthenumbernow.

"Getsomesleep.It'stoolatetocallhimnowanyway."

Voicesdronefromthenurses'station.

Threeonezero.

Thetelephonenumberbeginsthreeonezero,theareacodenearestthebeachinLosAngeles.

Thebeach.

Whitesand.

Nicisrunning.HeturnsontoafiretrailthatleadsthroughbrushabovethecanyonnearadesertedcoveoverlookingMalibu.Hislankylongbodyandstronglegsrunning.

Inaheadband.

BigsneakersandrunningshortsandaT-shirttightaroundhismuscularchest.

Hiseyesthecoloroftea,andclear.

IrelyonhisvoiceonthetelephonetocalmmyagonizingworryeventhoughIknowthathisvoiceisadeptatdeception.InolongerknowthetruthandyetIwillchoosetobereassuredifIcanhearhim.

Hey,Dad,it'sme.What'shappening?Areyouallright?

I'msureheisallright.Iamneversurethatheisallright.

Threeonezeroand.

SomeofthetimeswhenNicwasn'tallrightitgotsobadthatIwantedtowipeoutanddeleteandexpungeeverytraceofhimfrommybrainsothatIwouldnothavetoworryabouthimanymoreandIwouldnothavetobedisappointedbyhimandhurtbyhimandIwouldnothavetoblamemyselfandblamehimandIwouldnolongerhavetherelentlessandhauntingslideshowofimagesofmylovelyson,drugged,inthemostsordid,horriblescenesimaginable.Onceagain:Iwishedinsecretforakindoflobotomy.

Iwasinwretchedanguishandyearnedforrelief.

IlongedforsomeonetoscrapeouteveryremnantofNicfrommybrainandscrapeouttheknowledgeofwhatwaslostandscrapeouttheworryandnotonlymyanguishbuthisandtheburninginsidelikeImightscrapeouttheseedsandjuicypulpofanoverripemelon,leavingnotraceoftherottedflesh.

Itfeltasifnothingshortofalobotomycouldalleviatetheunremittingpain.

Itsinksin:IamintheneuroICUafteracerebralhemorrhage,not

alobotomybutnearenough.

IaminawhiteroomintheMedicalCenterattheUniversityofCalifornia,SanFrancisco,hauntedbysonarmonitorsandkindnursesaskingmeifIcanremembermyname(Icannot)andtheyear(2015?).

Ihavehadakindofbrainscraping,apotentiallylethalone,andIcannotrecallmynameandtheyearandyetIamnotsparedtheworryingthatonlyparentsofachildondrugs—Isupposeanyparentofachildinmortalperil—cancomprehend.

Isheinmortalperil?Hisbeautifulbrain,poisoned,possessed,onmethamphetamine.Iwantedtoremovehimerasehimelidehimfrommybrain,butheisthere,evenafterthishemorrhage.Weareconnectedtoourchildrennomatterwhat.Theyareinterwovenintoeachcellandinseparablefromeveryneuron.Theysupersedeourconsciousness,dwellinoureveryhollowandcavityandrecesswithourmostprimitiveinstincts,deepereventhanouridentities,deepereventhanourselves.

Myson.Nothingshortofmydeathcanerasehim.Maybenotevenmydeath.

Whatishistelephonenumber?

Nic.

Amonitorlikeamallethittingmyskull."Getsome."

"What?"

"Somesleep."

Anurse.Rousingme.

"Nic?"

"Calmdown,dear.It'sallright.Yourbloodpressureisup."

Morepillsandapapercupofwaterwithwhichtowashthemdown.

"Nic—"

"Getsomesleep.Itwillhelpmorethananything."

"Myson?"

"Getsomesleep."

"Willyoupleasehelpmedial—"

"Getsomesleep."

Iamagitatedand—apparently—tearingattheshunt.Thenurse,lookingfatiguedanddiscouraged,ishere,havingrushedin.Shesaysshewillgivemeanotherinjectionofpainmedication.

Thedrugsdonotallaymyterror.Iwanttocallhimtobesurethatheisallright.Ineedtocallhim.Icannotremember.Whatishisnumber?Itbeginswiththreeoneoh.

"Please,dear,gotosleep."

Inthemorning,Karenishere.Adoctorenters."Canyoutellmeyourname?"

OnceagainIsadlyshakemyhead.

"Doyouknowwhereyouare?"

Iponderthisforalongtimeandthenask,"Isthatametaphysicalquestion?"

Thedoctordoesn'timmediatelyrespond.Whenhefinallydoes,hehasdecidedthat,no,astraightforwardanswerwouldsuffice.

Karenisintears.

"WhoisthepresidentoftheUnitedStates?"

Istareblankly.

Isay:"Willyoutellmyeditoraboutthesuitcase?Itisbroken.Tellhimthatthelocksdon'twork."

"Thesuitcase?"

"Yes,thelocksdon'twork.Thesuitcaseisbroken."

"Allright.I'lltellhim."

Thebrokensuitcase,mybrain.FilledwitheverythingIam.IcannotremembermynameandIdonotknowwhereIamandIcannotrememberhistelephonenumber,thedigitshavespilledfrom

thesuitcasewiththenoiseandmessofanoverturnedbucketofLegosorNic'scollectionoftinyseashellsfromChinaBeachwhenhewas—washefour?Theyhavespilledoutbecausethelockhasbroken.

Mysonisindanger.Icannotforgetitevennow,withmybrainawashwithtoxicblood.

Nic.

"Whatisyourname?"

Thenurseagain.

"Canyoudialmyson?"

"What'shistelephonenumber?"

"Threeone."

"Yes?"

"Ican't."

Thenurseinjectsmewithasedativeandpainkillerandathickwarmwashfillsupmytoesandlegsandpoursintomylimbsanditbubblesuplikeoozingtar.Itfillsupmybellyandchestupthroughmyshouldersanddownmyarmsandintothebaseofmyneckandupthebackofmyneckandupintomydamagedhead,soothing.DeathlikesleepbeckonslikethedescentofadeadmanwithaconcreteblockonhisfeetwhohasbeenthrownintoabottomlesslakeandIfalldownanddownanddownandyetevennowIwrackmyinjuredbrain,Whatcomesafterthreeonezero?

Ihavemyownroom,butthereisnoprivacy.Thedoorisopen.Itisalwayslight.OnceortwiceIaskKarenoranursetoopenawindowforair,butthenIgeticecold.Karen'ssistervisitswhenshehasafewminutesbetweenherroundsinotherwards.Ifeelbetterwhensheishere.

AndmostlyIfeelbetterwhenKarenishere.Sherestsonmybedundertheneontubesenclosedinplasticunderneaththesquarewhiteceilingpanelswithaconstellationofpin-sizedholes.SherestswithmeandshereadstomeandIfallasleep.Sheisjugglingthekids,everyoneelse,everything,ourlives,butIwantherwithme,needherwithme.Whensheishere,everythingelsefallsaway—worry,fear.Lyingwithme,KarenholdsmyhandandwewatchtheonlytelevisionchannelthatIcantolerate—theonlyplotthatIcanfollow—abroadcastofanunchangingpictureofamountain.

Imissstep-upday.ImissDaisy'sbirthday.

Asuccessionofdoctorsask:Whatisyourname?Whatisthedate?Whereareyou?Whoispresident?Theyinstructmetoholdoutmyarms,palmsup.HowmanyfingersamIholding?Wiggleyourtoes.Putpressureagainstmyarm.Nowwithyourfeet.

Testaftertest.Theyrevealthatthereisnoaneurism.Tenpercentofpeoplewhocomeinwithasubarachnoidhemorrhagehavenoaneurism.

Moretests.

TodayIcananswerthedoctors'questions.

DavidSheff.

June11,2005.

SanFranciscoattheMedicalCenter.

Itwistcompletelyinsideout,fromfeelingextremelyunlucky—howdidIgethere?—tofeelingliketheluckiestpersonintheworld.IfIneedconfirmation,itcomeswhentheytellmethatIamreadytobegintomoveabit.Itrywalking.Iamshaky.Withanurse'shelp,Idragmyselfoutofmyroomandmovedownthedrabyellowneon-litcorridorpastaYOURSAFETYISOURGOALsign.Iseeintootherpatients'opendoors.Onemanisunconsciousinhishospitalbed.Hehasscarslikethestitchingonafootballonhisshavedskull.Anothermansitsupinbedrambling.Awoman,knockedout,andthenamanandthenanothermanhaveblackenedeyesockets,almostasiftheireyeshavebeengougedout.

Onmywalks,Iseetheillandmaimed,thefrightenedandfeeble,fightingtostayalive.ThereisawindowneartheICUthatlooksoutatSanFrancisco—youcanseethenew,twisting,copper-skinnedDeYoungMuseuminGoldenGatePark,rowsofVictorianhousesandblockyapartments.Ilookatthemandthenbackatthefacesthatpassbymeinthecorridor—atremulous,shrunkenyellow-hairedghostwithpalsy,graspingametalwalkerinhiswhiteclaws,andashriveledwomanwithpetrifiedeyesonagurneypushedbyanaide.

JasperandDaisycometoseeme.Theirlightfillstheroom.Ireassurethem.I'mgoingtobefine.Theyscrambleintomybed.Ican'trespondtoomuchandIworrythatitscaresthem,butIcan'tdoanythingotherthantellthemIlovethem.Ithoughtitwouldbegoodforthemtoseeme,thatI'mallright,butmaybemyjudgmentisn'tthebestithaseverbeen.

Niccalls.

Niccalls.

Nic.

Isfine.

NichasbeenspeakingtoKareneverydaysinceIarrivedinthehospital.Hejokesabouttheholeinmyhead.Hesaysthatheiscominguptovisitme.

Nicisfine.

***

Aftertwoweeks,Karendrivesmehome.Frombed,Iseethegardenthroughtheroom'sglassdoors.Iamstunnedbycolor,thegreensofeveryleaf,plantstalk,andcypressneedle.Andsoftwhite.Hydrangeas.Sunyellow.Roses.Lavender.Violetsgrowingfromthecracksontheterracedsteppingstones.Iwatchasmallbirdwithpurplefeatherspreenandflutteritswingsinthebirdbath.

Ieatripepeaches.TheyareallIwanttoeat.

Isleepmostofthetime,butplayCrazy8sandNickelswithJasper,andDaisyreadstome.Everyday.NicandItalkonthephone.KarenandIlieinbedtogethersidebyside,shereadingtheTimesandmetryingtoreadasentenceinamagazine.FinallyImakeitthroughacapsulereviewinTheNewYorker.WhenImakeitthroughaTalkoftheTownpieceIfeelasifIhaveearnedaPh.D.

KarenandIholdhands.Iamsweptoverbytheelusive,pure,andpreciousfeelingthatsettlesherewithusinbed.

KarenandIwalktogetherthroughthegarden.

"Niccalled.He'llbeheresoon.Howdoyoufeelaboutseeinghim?"

"Ican'twait."

NicpopsthroughthefrontdoorandismetbybarkingBrutus,followedbychargingDaisyandJasper.Icanhearthemfrommyroom.

"Hi,Nicky.""Nic."

"Bop!"

"Nickypoo!"

"Dais!"

"Hey."

"Ouch."

"Nicky."

Barking.

"Boinkers."

"Poopyboy."

ThenKaren.

"Hey,Mamacita!"

"Sputnik."

"KB."

"Sogood."

"Andyou."

"Toseeyou."

"Howwas?"

"Quick.Fine."

"Good."

"Thedrive."

"Youtoo."

"Igotafootball."

"Foosball?"

"Doyouwanttodraw?"

"But."

"Football."

"Toplay?"

"Yes,but."

"Ihavechalk."

"Chalk?Ina."

"WillyoutellusaPJ?"

"Yes,yes,yes.But."

"Are..."

"Where'stheoldman?"

TrailedbythekidsandKaren,Niccomesintomybedroom.Iwanttogreethimproperly.Ishakilystandandwehug.

"So."

"So."

"Hey,Pop."

"Hey,Nic."

"Sogoodtoseeyou."

"Youtoo."

Isleepforlongchunksofeveryday,butNicsitswithmeandholdsmyhand.WhenIsleep,hegoesoffforabikeride.Hebroughthisbike,threwitinthebackofthecarherecentlyboughtfromanAAfriend.StandingthereinbikeshortswiththeirpaddedbottomandashirtwithaMotorolalogoandcalf-highsocksandbikeshoesthatclipontothepedals.HeleavesthehouseforaridedownourroadandthenwestalongtheTomalesBay.Iimaginehimridingalongthebay

whereheplayedandgrewupandkayakedandswamanddiddrugswithhisfriendsonthebeachesridingoutalongthepeninsula,alongthelongbayoutpastranchesandtheEsterowherewesurfed.

Backfromtheride,hechecksonme,peekingin,sitswithme.

Hesays:"Ithoughtweweregoingtoloseyou."

Ieyehimclosely."That'saswitch."

Iamreadytosleep,andNicgoesintothekids'roomtoplaywithJasperandDaisy.Thenthenextday,tooquicklyforusall,hehastogetbacktowork.Heleavesintheevening,drivessouthagain,backtoLA.

EachdayIseemtofeelalittlebetterforalittlelonger."Manypatientswithasubarachnoidhemorrhagedonotsurvivelongenoughtoreachahospital,"accordingtoamedicalWebsiteIfindonline."Ofthosewhodo,about50percentdiewithinthefirstmonthoftreatment."

Inthemorningsandagainbeforedark,Karenencouragesmetowalkwithherinthegarden.Icomplain,butmakeitasfarasherstudiobeforeIreturntobedexhausted.

Iamtryingtomakesenseofwhathappenedandwhatwillhappen.Idon'tevenknowwhatIwanttohappen.SomehowIwanttogetbacktonormalandyetIdon't.Idon'twantthingstogoexactlybacktonormal.Thatis,IdonotwanttogetbacktothenormalofworryaboutNic.

SometimesIpanicaboutthefuture.SometimesIfeelweakandpainedaboutthepast.Butfortoday,JasperandDaisyarefine.Heisatcampfortheweek.Sheswimsinthemorningandthencomeshome.Shereadsmeabook,Love,RubyLavender.Nichasmovedagain,thistimeintoanapartmentinHollywood.He'sexcitedtohaveaplacewithfriends.HecalledthismorningonhiswaytomeetRandyforabikeridedownthecoast.

Iturnmytimeinthehospitalaroundandaroundinmyrecoveringmind.IcannotforgetwhenIcouldn'trememberhisnumber,andIamstruckanewthatabrainhemorrhage—eventhat—couldnotremovetheworryabouthim.Irecallthemanyoccasionswhenhewasgone,onthestreets,Godknowswhere,whenIfantasizedthatIcouldscrapehimoutofmybrain,ifonlyIcouldgetalobotomy,theeternalsunshineofaspotlessmind,andIwouldnolongeragonizeabouthim,andagonizeforhim.Iamgratefulnowtohaveitall—eventheworryandthepain.Inolongerwantalo-botomy,nolongerwanthimerased.Iwilltaketheworryinordertotakewhathascomethroughasthemostimportantemotionaftermyhemorrhage.

Somepeoplemayoptout.Theirchildturnsouttobewhateveritisthattheyfindimpossibletoface—forsome,thewrongreligion;forsome,thewrongsexuality;forsome,adrugaddict.Theyclosethedoor.Click.Likeinmafiamovies:"Ihavenoson.Heisdeadtome."Ihaveasonandhewillneverbedeadtome.

IdonotrelishbutIamusedtotheperpetualangstandhumminganxietyandintermittentdepressionthatcomeswithNic'saddiction.Idon'tremembermebeforethis.IamaccustomedtothewaythatjoycanbefleetingandIcansometimesfallintoadarkpit.However,livingwiththisovertime,Iamnowbeingallowed—allowingmyself?—tocrawlupoutofthepitandlifttheveilthatcoversitandtowitness,withvisualandauralandtactileacuity,aslightlyaltered

world,slightlybrighter,richer,andvivider.Iwellupwithtearsforit.Forallofit.Ontheonehand:theuncertainfuture.Thepossibilityofanotherhemorrhage.Thechancethatmychildrenwillbekilledinacaraccident.ThechancethatNicwillrelapse.Amillionothercatastrophes.Ontheother:compassionandlove.Formyparentsandfamily.Formyfriends.ForKaren.Formychildren.Imayfeelmorefragileandvulnerable,butIexperiencemoreconsciousness.

Peoplewhogothroughlife-threateningexperienceslikeminetalkabouthoweverythingbecomesclearforthem.Theydescribearevisedunderstandingofwhat'simportantandwhatisn't.Theyusuallysaythattheyappreciatemorethanevertheirlovedonesandtheirfriends.Thesesurvivorssaythattheyhavelearnedtocutouttheextraneousintheirlivesandliveforthemoment.Idon'tfeelasifeverythingisclear.Insomeways,everythingislessclear.Ratherthanlesstoconsider,Ihavemore—becauseofaheightenedsenseofmortality.Yes,I'mnolesscertainthatmylovedonesandfriendsmeanmorethananything.Thatwasneveraproblemforme;Iappreciatedthemfromthestart.IamnolesscertainthatIshouldenjoythemoment—appreciatewhatIhave.IamnolessconvincedthatIamluckyforsomanythingsandmostofallluckytobealive.Ihaveglimpsesofthegrandeurandthemiracle,evenasIfeeltheinexorableslideoftime.Thechildrengrowingup,withboththesadnessandexcitementofit.Mostlytheinevitabilityofit.Ifeelitall.

Iamgettingoutmorenow.Itakelongwalksinthesolitary,mysteriouswoods,tranquilandsilent,andseemoreintenselythecolor—stillmoregreens,aninfinitenumber,andtheshootsandbudsonwoodybranchesbeforetheyopen.Iseeadartingrabbitand,overhead,red-tailedhawks,greatblueherons,andanosprey.Godornogod,thisbarelyponderableandimpossible-to-understandsystemofcomplexityandbeautyisprofoundenoughtofeellikeamiracle.Consciousnessfeelslikeamiracle.Theconstellationofthese

impulsesthatwecalllovefeelslikeamiracle.Themiraclesdonotcanceloutevil,butIacceptevilinordertoparticipateinthemiraculous.Nic,doyouhaveasenseofyourhigherpowernow?

Hehasbeensoberformorethanayear.Again.Ayearandahalf.

HecalledthismorningonhiswaytomeetRandyforabikeridedownthecoast.JasperandDaisyandtheircousinsareoutsideplayingonahomemadeSlipn'Slide.Theirlaughterfiltersinthroughthelight-filledleaves.Iamleftwithaholeinmyhead,thoughmydoctorhastoldmethatitwillgrowtogether.IamleftwithathoughtaboutNic'shead,too,ahopefulone.IrecallDr.Londonandhercomputerscans.NowthatNichasreachedtheyear-and-a-halfanniversaryofhislastexperiencewithmethoranyotherdrug,IhaveinmymindDr.London'sPETscanonhercomputerscreen—thebrainofhercontrolgroupwithabalancedchemistryandthenormalfluctuationsoftheneurotransmittersinproportiontolifeevents.Iwonderifitisonceagainapictureofmyson'sbrain.

21DaisysitsnearmeonaboulderalongsidetheBigSurRiver.It'slatesummeronacooleveninginsideacathedraloftoweringredwoods.Theyhavefurrowedbarklikeatopographicalmapandthick,sweet-smellingcanopiesthatshootskywardlikemedievalchurchspires.Thedayisgraywithfog.Wearesittingoutsideourtent,whichJasperandImanagedtosetup.Thisisnosmallaccomplishmentforus.

Afterthehospitalstintandrecoverytimeathome,havingmissedmuchofJuneandJuly,Iamtryingtosqueezeeverylastdropoutofsummer,clawingintothewaningseason,desperatetoslowitsdeparture.IamasreadyasIeverwillbetofullyreturntotheliving.It'stime.Thekidsaregoingbacktoschoolinaweek.Myheadis,theytellme,mended.Thelockonthesuitcaseisrepaired.AndsoIstepoutbeyondthegarden,beyondInverness.Karen,Jasper,Daisy,andIfitinafewdays'hikingandplayingonthebeachesoftheBigSurcoast.Sittingatourcampingspotasidetheriver,undertheseglorioustrees,Daisypronouncesita"beauteousday."

Weplanahike,stoppingfirstatastoretobuysandwiches."It'saconveniencestore,butit'snotveryconvenient,"observesJasper."It'sclosed."Wedriveonandplayamodifiedversionoftwentyquestions.Inthekids'game,seventyormorequestionsareallowed.

Jasperisa"thing"thatbeginswithh.It'stakingusforevertoguesswhatheis.

Wetryanotherstore.It'sopen.

Backinthecar,Jasperremindsus,"Istartwithanh."

"Areyouedible?"

"AreyoubiggerthanBrutus?"

"Areyouman-made?"

"Areyouahole?"Daisysays.

"What?"

"Ahole."

"Howdidyouguess?"

"Ipeeked."

"Youpeekedintomybrain?"

Withapackfilledwithapicniclunch,wehitthetrail,walkingthroughaforestofMontereycypress.Weturnacornerandsee,onabouldernearthetrail,aCaliforniacondor.In1982,therewerefewerthantwenty-fiveofthesemagnificentcreaturesleftinthewild,butnow,becauseoftheeffortsofenvironmentalgroupsdevotedtopreservingthem,theremaybemorethantwohundred.Hereisone:asurvivor,hopeforitsspecies,cockingitshead,staringatus,andthen,dramaticallyunfoldingitsexpansivewings,glidingoutontoawindcurrentoverthePacific.

Justaswearrivebackatthecar,mycellphonerings.

"Yo,what'shappenin'?"It'sNic.

Wetalkawhileandthenheaskstosayhitotheothers.Ipassthephonearound.Nictellsstoriesaboutthepeoplewithwhomheworks.

ThekidsandKarentellNicaboutouradventuresinBigSur.Hewishesthemahappynewschoolyear.

It'slateintheday,withthesunsetting.Timetoreturnhome.Ourvacationisover.Wedriveon.

"Pause,"saysDaisy.Inspiteofouradmonitions,sheclicksherretainerinandout.

"I'vebeenthinking,"shesays,aproposofnothing."Onthelastdayofmylife,Iwouldeattonsofsweets,becauseitwouldn'tmatterifyougotcavitiesorifthefoodwasbadforyou,wouldit?"

Shecontinues:"Actuallyitwouldbesadtobeold,becauseyouguyswouldbedead."SheisindicatingKarenandme."EvenJasper,becauseI'mtheyoungest.Butyouknow,Idon'tthinkIwillbesoscaredtodie.Ithinkit'sliketoday:theendofavacationwhenyouarereadytogohome."

***

OnTuesdaymorning,JasperandDaisyhavefirst-dayjitters.OnTuesdayafternoon,though,theyareenthusiastic,tellingusabouttheirteachersandtheirfriends.Jasperisinsixthgradenow.It'sthefirstyearthathechangesclassesformath,Englishandhistory,science,andothersubjects.Daisyadoreshernewteacher,whohasaskedthestudentstowritealettertoherabouttheirlivessoshecangettoknowthembetter.

"DearLaura,"Daisywrites."I'mreallylookingforwardtofourthgrade.Iwanttogetbetteratmath.Spanishisnotmycupoftea,butSeñorLeonisfunny.Idolikescience.Ireallyliketoread..."Ijustgotaretainerandit'shardtosayG.I'mgettingbetteratit,though.It's

stillhardnottoflipitaroundinmymouth."

There'slotsmore—aboutherfavoritefoodsandthedogs."JasperusedtocallMoondogMoongoggy,"shewrites."Moondogdiedofcancer."Theletterconcludes:"Mybrotherwasasmokyguy,buthestopped.Don'tworryit'snotJasper.It'sNic.HelivesinLA.MydadDavidgotabrainhemrijbuthe'sbetter.Jasperflippedoveronhisbike.Idon'twanttotellyoutoomuchbadnews,butIzipperedmyeyeinmyjacket.Nowit'sfine.EverythingisAokaynow.Love,Daisy."

Aftersummerhours,morningsareachallenge,butwegetthekidstoschoolontimetoday.

I'mwritingagain.Iamwritingagainafterbeingunabletowriteaword.

Thisafternoon,Jasperhassoccer(he'sjugglingsoccer,band,andswimteam),andDaisyandIgoforawalk.AftercollectingJas,weheadtoNancyandDon'sfortheweeklydinner.

Thekidsareplayingontheindoorswing."Putonsomeshoes,"Nancyscolds."You'llgetasplinter."

AfteraroastwithYorkshirepudding,peas,andscallopedpotatoes,wedecidetospendthenightsowedon'thavetodrivebacktoInverness.Thekidsdotheirhomework—Daisyispracticinghermultiplicationtablesandspellingwordslikecormorant,andJasperiswritingabookreportonTheGiver—andthentheyread.Afterward,thefourofusgatherinthedownstairsbedroomwhereKarenreadsaloud.WeareontothenewHarryPotter.

DumbledoresaystoHarry,"Numbingthepainforawhilewill

makeitworsewhenyoufinallyfeelit."

Andthenwecometothis:

Allinall,thetemptationtotakeanothergulpofFelixFeliciswasbecomingstrongerbytheday,forsurelythiswasacasefor,asHermioneputit,"tweakingthecircumstances"?

FinallyHarrytakesthedrug.

"Whatdoesitfeellike?"whisperedHermione.

Harrydidnotanswerforamoment.Then,slowlybutsurely,anexhilaratingsenseofinfiniteopportunitystolethroughhim;hefeltasthoughhecouldhavedoneanything,anythingatall...

Hegottohisfeet,smiling,brimmingwithconfidence.

"Excellent,"hesaid."Reallyexcellent.Right..."

Thekidsareasleep.

KarenandIwalkupthenarrowstaircasetothedraftythird-floorcornerbedroomthatlooksoutovertreesthatcreaklikerockingchairs.IcheckmyansweringmachineinInverness.IhearNic'svoice.It'sbrittle,breakingup.

Heiscrying.

No.Why.

"Pleasecallme,"hesays.

Icheckthetime.Hecalledaboutthreehoursago.Nicanswersonthesecondring.

Hisvoiceisslurry,stickingtoitself,histongueintheway.

"Iwanttotellyouwhat'sbeengoingon,"hesays."Iwanttotellyouthetruth.Threedaysagowewereataparty.Z.didaline.Sheaskedmetodosomewithher.AndIdid.Ifshewasgoingtogoout,Iwasnotgoingtolethergoalone."

Z.isthegirlwhobrokehisheartaftertheirshorttimetogether.Beforeherelapsedlasttime.He'swithheragain,movedfromhisnewapartmentintohers.

"Nic.No."

"We'vebeenhighsincethen.Speedballsandmeth."Speedballsareacombinationofheroinandcocaine.

"NowItookasleepingpilltocomedown.IknowIfuckedup.I'mgoingtostop."

ItellNictheonlythingIknowtosay,andwhatIknowheisn'treadytohear.

"Youknowwhotocall.Gethelp.Beforeit'stoolate.YouandZ.bothneedhelp.Youcan'tbetogetheruntilyouarewellandsober."

Hehangsup.

No.No.No.No.No.No.No.No.No.No.No.No.

Whatwasitthistime?Approachingtwoyears.Theresearcherssaidthatitcantaketwoyearsforauser'sbraintofullyrecover.Nichasnevermadeittwoyearssinceallthisstarted.

Aneruptionofthesameoldworry—allthatcouldhappentohim—butthenIbecomeoverwhelmedbyfatigueandfallasleep,myworrysettlingintoanewlycarved-outnookinmyremodeledbrain.Maybethisreflectssomethingelsethatshiftedinthehospital—thecharacterifnotthevolumeoftheworry.LyingintheneuroICU,IcametoanotherstartlingrealizationwhenitdawnedonmethatNic—andnotonlyhim,butJasperandDaisy,too—wouldsurvivemydeath.It'snotthattheywouldbeunaffected,buttheywouldsurviveit.Possiblybecausethere'satimeintheirliveswhenchildrenaredependentontheirparents,wetendtoforgetthattheycanandwillsurvivewithoutus.Idid.Bynow,though,throughNic'saddiction,IhavelearnedthatIamallbutirrelevanttoNic'ssurvival.Ittookmyneardeath,however,tocomprehendthathisfate—andJasper'sandDaisy's—isseparatefrommine.Icantrytoprotectmychildren,tohelpandguidethem,andIcanlovethem,butIcannotsavethem.Nic,Jasper,andDaisywilllive,andsomedaytheywilldie,withorwithoutme.

Inthemorning,IcontemplatewhethertotellthekidsaboutNic.InDaisy'slettertoherteacher,shewrote,"Mybrotherwasasmokyguy."Isupposethatisherwayofsummingupthedrugs.Andshesaid:"EverythingisAokaynow."IwanteverythingtostayA-okayforherforatleastalittlewhile.

IhadsomuchwantedtoendmybookwithNic'slettertoJasper.Itservedtooperfectlyasaneatbowonthepackage,ahappyending.Iwantedittobethehappyendingofourfamily'sstoryaboutmeth.Iwantedtomoveonfromit.Iwantedthisnowtobethepost-Nic's-addictionphaseofourlives.Butno.Itisstillsoeasytoforgetthataddictionisnotcurable.Itisalifelongdiseasethatcangointoremission,thatismanageableiftheonewhoisstrickendoesthehard,hardwork,butitisincurable.

Nic'slatestrelapseisanundeniablemeasureoftherelentlessnessofthisdisease.It'snotanewrevelation,butadifferentiteration.Everythingwasgoingwellforhim.Hehadagirlfriend,sowecannotblamehisloneliness.Wecannotblameworkthatboreshim,becauseheseemstoenjoyhisjobandadorehiscoworkers.Heconsidersthemhisgoodfriends.Hehasabookdealandashotatajobasanassistanteditoratamagazine.HismoviereviewshaveledtoafewinterviewsandareviewforWiredmagazine.Perhapsmostsignificant,hehasaclosegroupoffriendswhoseemdeartooneanother.

Allofthisisirrelevantnow.

Despitemyknowledgethataddictiondoesnotrespondtologic,Ihaveheldontoavestigeofanideathatthetrappingsofalife—girlfriend,job,money,solidfriendships,adesiretodorightbythoseyoulove—canmakeitOK,buttheydon't.

PleaseGodhealNic.

WhenIwasinthehospital,manypeopletoldmetheyprayedforme,andIamenormouslygratefultothem.Ineverprayed.PerhapsIcannotpraybecauseIneverhave,Idonotknowhow,andIcannotconceiveofagodtoprayto.ButasJohnLennonsaid:"Godisaconceptbywhichwemeasureourpain."HereIamwithNicusing

againandIknowthatthereisnothingIcandoandIcannotbelievethatwearehereagainandthatthenexttelephonecallcouldbetheoneIhavefearedforthepasthalf-dozenyears,andIampraying.

PleaseGodhealNic.PleaseGodhealNic.PleaseGodhealNic.

It'smypleatowhateverhigherpowerthereis,theonethey—theyintheendlessrehabs,theendlessmeetings—theonetheypromiseisouttherelistening.IrepeatitinsidemyheadsometimesevenwithoutknowingIamsayingit:PleaseGodhealNic.

Iprayevenasthenewsinthepapersmakesmyprayerseeminsignificantinscaleandwhollyselfish.Thereisadevastatinghurricaneandfloodingandsuicidebombersandcrashesandtsunamisandterrorismandcancerandwar—endlessandbrutalwar—diseaseandfamineandearthquakesandeverywherethereisaddiction,andtodaytheheavensmustbeoverwhelmedwiththenoiseofalltheprayers.

Hereisonemore.

PleaseGodhealNic.PleaseGodhealNic.

Thedescentisquick.Nicshowsuphighatworkandloseshisjob.Hisphoneisdisconnectedbecausehedoesnotpayhisbill.Hedesertseveryrealfriend.Saddest,hehasdesertedhisbestfriendandsponsor,Randy.

Inonemessagehesaysthatheandhisgirlfriendhavesoldtheirclothestopayforfood.Idon'tknowhowtheyhavepaidtheirrent.I

don'tknowhowtheywillpaynextmonth'srent,butsoon,unlesstheyhaveabenefactororaredealingdrugs,theywillbehomeless.

TodayVickicannotstopherself,andshedrivesfromthewestsideoftowntohisapartmentinHollywood.Shewantstoseeforherself.Shewantstoseeifheisalive.

IpretendthatIamnotwaitingbythephonetohearfromher.

Sheparkshercarandapprehensivelywalksintotheapartmentbuilding.Shepullsopenthescreenandknocksonthedoor.Thereisnoanswer.Thewindowshadesaredown.Sheknocksagain.Noanswer.Sheknocksagain.Thedooropensacrack.Thenwider.Theplaceisfilthy—squalor.Thereisapoolofbrownwateronthefloor.Trasheverywhere.Nic,blockingthefloodofdaylightwithhishands,shakilystepsintoview.Behindhim,hisgirlfrienddoes,too.Itisascenefamiliartome,butnewtohismother.VickihasneverseenNiclikethis:gaunt,white,nearlyyellow,tremblinglimbs,sunkenblackcirclesaroundvacanteyes.

Z.'slegsarebleeding.WhenshenoticesthatherlegsareuncoveredandthatVickiisstaring,Z.stammers,"Alightbulbbrokeonthefloor.Wewerecleaningitup."

Nictellshisfamiliarlies:"Wehadtogothroughthis.We'redonenow.We'regettingsober."

Heaskshismothertoleaveandtonotcomeback.

Vickicallsandtellsme.ShesoundslikeIhavefeltonmanyoccasionsbefore.Shesoundsfuriousandwretchedandhorrified,emotionsooverwhelmingthatshecannotyetcry.

***

Aweekgoesby.

ItisSundayandIamdrivingDaisytothecitytomeetafriendandhermotheratWashingtonSquare.Wemeetupwiththemandwalkthroughthepark,fromwherewewatchtheColumbusDayParade.AfloatisfilledwithadozengirlsdressedasQueenIsabella.Nicishere.Heissixyearsold.QueenIsabellasfloatby.Thisisourneighborhood.Nicisoneofthechildrenrunningtowardtheclimbingstructure,climbinguptothetiptop,watchingtheparadefromthatcrow'snest,wavingatthequeens.

IdriveDaisyandhergigglyfriendacrosstowntoabirthdaypartybeingheldataceramicsstudio.Thegirls,strappedintothebackseat,playagameinspiredbythepicturebookFortunatelybyRemyCharlip.

Thebookreads:

FortunatelyNedwasinvitedtoasurpriseparty.Unfortunatelyitwasathousandmilesaway.FortunatelyafriendloanedNedanairplane.Unfortunatelythemotorexploded.Fortunatelytherewasaparachuteontheplane.Unfortunatelytherewasaholeintheparachute.

"Fortunatelyshehadaverydelicioussandwich,"saysDaisy'sfriendinthegirls'game.

AndDaisy'sturn:

"Unfortunatelyshedroppeditonthedirtystreetandalongcamea

slobberydog,whoateitup."

"Fortunatelyhethrewupthesandwichanditwasasgoodasnew."

Moregiggling.

"Unfortunatelyalittlefuzzyhamsterscurriedinandgrabbeditandtookitwithhimandthenhedisappearedintoacrackinthewallandwasneverseenfromagain."

Myownversionplaysinmyhead.

FortunatelyIhaveason,mybeautifulboy.

Unfortunatelyheisadrugaddict.

Fortunatelyheisinrecovery.

Unfortunatelyherelapses.

Fortunatelyheisinrecoveryagain.

Unfortunatelyherelapses.

Fortunatelyheisinrecoveryagain.

Unfortunatelyherelapses.

Fortunatelyheisnotdead.

22Anotherweek.

Vicki,withwhomIspeakdaily,saysthatsheisnumb.Iam,too.It'snotthatIdon'tworryaboutNic—Ithinkabouthimallthetime—butforthemomentIamnotincapacitated.

Isthiswhereparentswindup?

Iwalkpastmorepeopleonthestreets,thistimeinSanRafael.Iwalkpastthemandstepoverthem,peoplealoneandabandoned,and,whenIdo,asalways,Ithink,Wherearetheirparents.ButthistimeIwonder,Isthistheanswer?AmIbecomingoneofthem—aparentwhohasaccepteddefeat?MyagonizinghasnothelpedNicintheslightest.

Iamnotpretendingthatthisisn'thappening.IamdoingallthatIcando.

Iwait.

Adownwardspiral.

It'sadegenerativedisease.Iimaginethedownwardspiral.

No,Iamnotnumb.IwishIwere.SometimesIfeeloverwhelmed.

Ibracemyself.

RandycontinuestocallNicandleavemessagesonhisdeadcellphone.RandywasNic'slifeline.

UsingZ.'sphone,whichisstillworking,Niccallsandleavesmoremessages."Ijustwantyoutoknowwe'resafe.We'regoingtomeetings.I'mgettingsober."

Heclaimsthattherelapsewasaone-shot,three-daymistakeandhe'sfine.Butthelongerhetalks,themoreitbecomesobviousthathisvoiceisthevoiceofNiconsomething.

Iwait.

It'slikewatchingfromafar,perhapsthroughbinocularswithimperfectlenses,themomentsbeforeatrainwreck.Allofuswholovehimcommiserate.KarenandI.VickiandI.Randy.Weallknow.Andyetthere'snothingwecando.IcallNicback."Nic,don'tforgethowdangerousitiswhenyouaren'tattendingmeetings,"Isay."Don'tforgetwhenyoulistentothelogicofyourbrainwhenit'sundertheinfluence."

Inrecovery,workingwithRandy,Nicwastheonewhoexplainedtheinsidiousnesstome:"Ausingaddictcannottrusthisownbrain—itlies,says,'Youcanhaveonedrink,ajoint,asingleline,justone.'"Ittellshim,"Ihavemovedbeyondmysponsor."Itsays,"Idon'trequiretheobsessiveandvigilantrecoveryprogramIneededwhenIwasemergingfromtherelapse."Itsays,"IamhappierandmorecompletethanIhaveeverbeen."Itsays,"Iamindependent,alive."AndsoNicsaidhecouldn'ttrusthisownbrainandneededtorelyonRandy,meetings,theprogram,andprayer—yes,prayer—togoforward.

Nic,youhavecomesofar.

Letmequoteyou:"EverythingIhavewillbegoneifIdon'tstaywiththeprogram."

Twodayslater,onWednesday,Niccallsupslurringandasksforrentmoney.No.HesaysthatheknewIwouldsayno.Hesaveditfortheendoftheconversation,after,"Iloveyousomuch.I'msafe.Wereallyfuckedupbutwe'regoingtobefinenow.Ijusttookalittlesomethingtohelpmecomedownfromthemethandcokeandsmackand..."

Vickisaysno,too.

NowitisFriday.NothingonSaturday.NothingonSunday.NothinguntilMondaywhenanemailarrives.

"heypop,we'reinthedesert.Zisdoingacommercial,outbyjoshuatree...myphonedoesn'tgetanyreceptionhereandIjustborrowedthiscomputerforasecondfromsomeguyontheset...sorry...thiscameupreallysuddenly...anyway,i'llcallyouwhenifindaphonethatworks...it'shot,hothereandboring...zjustdoingwardrobeandi'mwritingintheshadehere...don'tfret...imayhavesomeexcitingnewstoo...loveya...nic"

JoshuaTree.

Arespite.Anoasis.MaybeNicwillstoponhisown.Maybehe'llbeOK.

Nothingfortwomoredays,butNicisinthedesert,writingintheshade.Therearedrugsinthedesert,too.

Atnight,KarenandIswitchoffreadingtothekids.WearenearingtheendofHarryPotter.ProfessorDumbledoredied.Heis

dead.Morethanoneofthechildrenweknowcriedforhourswhentheyreadthis—AlbusDumbledore,Harry'sprotectorwithwhomthesechildrengrewup,isdead.Eviliswinning,andIfeelweakenedbytheceaselessbattle.

OnThursday,Jasperhasasoccergameafterschool.Daisyhasswimming.KarenandIdividethedriving.

Ihavefoundaquietplaceinacorneroftheclubroomnearthepooltowrite.Lookingup,outthewindowthroughtheslatsofshutters,Iseeadarkformcurveupandbreakthewater,followedbyapairofkickingfeet:Daisydoingherlaps.Thecoach,poisedandtannedandlithe,aformerAll-Americanswimmerwhohastaughtallthreeofourchildren,crouchesattheendofthelane,encouragingDaisyandtheotherswimmers.Ilosesightofheramongthelinesofbodiesintheirbluesuitsuntilshereturnsbackdownthelaneintheoppositedirection,herpowerfularmspullinginarchingfreestylestrokes.IrememberwhenitwasherbigbrotherNicinthewater,hisleandolphinbodycuttingthroughthepool.

"Hey,you,mister,let'sskedaddle."

ItisDaisy,drippingafterashower,wrappedinabeachtowel.

Thereisnonews.

SomeofthepanicinwhichIlivedduringthesecrisesseemsto

havelifted.Iworry,butIamnotsickwithworry.I'mgettingbetter.I'mlettinggo.I'minabjectdenial.

Itmustbelikeasoldierinatrenchduringabombingraid.I'veshutdowneverynonessentialemotion—worry,fear—concentratingeveryneuroninmynewbrainonthemomentinordertostayalive.

Iaminasilentwaragainstanenemyasperniciousandomnipresentasevil.Evil?Idon'tbelieveinevilanymorethanIbelieveinGod.ButatthesametimeIknowthis:onlySatanhimselfcouldhavedesignedadiseasethathasself-deceptionasasymptom,sothatitsvictimsdenytheyareafflicted,andwillnotseektreatment,andwillvilifythoseontheoutsidewhoseewhat'shappening.

Afterdinner,Jasperasksmetoquizhimonmathandhiswordsoftheweek.ThenheandIreadaMadmagazinetogether.

Inbed,Igraboneofthenovelsonthetotteringstackonthenighttable.Iwillnevergetthroughallthebooks.I'msotiredatnightthatIreadapage,maybetwo,andfallasleep.Karenjoinsme.

Apage.Twopages.Iamasleep.

Thetelephonerings.Iignoreit.Inmyhalf-consciousnessIhavedecidedthatit'saservicemanwecalledforanestimateonsomerepairs.Ithink,Itwillwaituntilmorning.

Thephoneringsagain.I'llgetthemessagestomorrow.

No,Karensays,youhadbettercheck.

ThefirstcallisNic'sgodfather.Nicjustcalledhimandleftamessage."He'sinOakland."Myfriend'svoiceisinastateofalarm.

"Hesayshe'sintroubleandneedshelp.Idon'tknowwhattodo."

Myheartpounds.

ThenextmessageisfromVicki.Niccalledher,too,leavingasimilarmessage."IliedaboutJoshuaTreebecauseIdidn'twantyoutoworrythatIwasinOakland.I'msober.Please,we'reintrouble.WeneedplaneticketsbacktoLA."Hetellsaconvolutedstoryabouthowtheygotthere,butthebottomlineisthatheandZ.areatthehomeofacrackaddictinOaklandwhoisoutofhismindandtheyhavetogetout.

NicisinOakland.

Brutusstifflyfollowsmeupstairs,shufflinghiswearypawsalongtheconcrete.Ifilltheteakettleandplaceitonaflameonthestove.

IreturnVicki'scall.Sheisunsurewhattodo—whetherornottopayforaplaneticket.Iunderstand,but,no,Isay.Ifitwereme,Iwouldnothelpunlesshewantstogointorehab.Thenmaybe.

Ihangup.

Icallmyfriend.Heiscalmerthanwhenheleftthemessage.Hesays,"Listen,"andplaysthemessageonhisansweringmachineoverthetelephone.WeheartheslurinNic'svoice."Ineedhelp.Ican'tcallmydad.Idon'tknowwhattodo,pleasegivemeacall."HeleavesZ.'scellphonenumber.

"It'ssosad,"myfriendsays."PartofmewantstodrivetoOaklandtogethimandpartofmewantstowringhisneck."

Onceagain,Nicishereandheishigh.Forsomereason,I'm

aberrantlycalmasIthink,Ifheishere,whatmighthedo?Mighthecometoourhouse?WhatdoIdoifhedoes?WouldhegobacktoKaren'sparents'likethattimeNancyfoundhiminthedownstairsbedroom?Wouldhebreakinagain?

Karenemergesfromourbedroom.Sheasks,"DoyouthinkhemightgobacktoNancyandDon's?"

Sheisworriedaboutthesamething.Heprobablywouldn'tgothere,but,wouldhe?Wedebatewhetherweshouldcallthem.Itwouldworrythem.ButitwouldbeworsenottowarnthemandthentohaveNicshowup.Wecallthem.

Whereelsemighthego?

Thenextday,Nicleavesanothermessageforhisgodfatherandoneforhismother,thistimesayingthatthegirlfriendofthecrackaddictwithwhomtheywerestayingshowedupandgaveNicandZ.moneytoflyhome.

I'mworkingattheCorteMaderalibrary,astackofbooksatmyside.

IhavebroughtmylaptopandI'mwritingandwriting,anattempttocontainsomethingthatisfast(onceagain)spiralingoutofcontrol.

Thephoneisonvibratebecauseofthelibraryanditstartsitsmadshakingandrattlingasifpossessed.Ipickitupfromthetablesothenoisedoesn'tdisturbanyone.Onthescreen,insicklygreenletters,Iseethatit'sNic'sgirlfriend'sphone.

Ihavenodesiretohearmorelies.Iturnitoff.

Later,asIamdrivingtopickupthekidsfromschool,Ilistentothemessage.NicsaysthatheandZ.aredrivingbackfromJoshuaTreeandarefinallyincellphonerange.Hesays,wordforword:"Hey,Pop,we'redrivingbackfromJoshuaTreeandwe'refinallyincellphonerangeagain..."

Iamstrucknotjustbythelie,butbyitsintricacy.Hecouldhavesaid,"I'mbackinLA."Hecouldhavecheckedinwithoutsayinganymorethanhello.Buthethoughtthroughtheoriginallieandbuiltonit,bejewelingitwithdetailsothatIwouldneverquestionit.AndIwouldnothaveifIdidn'talreadyknowitwasalie.BynowIhaveheardaboutthewebofliesbyaddicts."Substanceabuserslieabouteverything,andusuallydoanawesomejobofit,"StephenKingoncewrote."It'stheLiar'sDisease."Niconcetoldme,quotinganAAplatitude,"Analcoholicwillstealyourwalletandlieaboutit.Adrugaddictwillstealyourwalletandthenhelpyoulookforit."Partofmeisconvincedthatheactuallybelievesthathewillfinditforyou.

Ilistentothemessageafewtimes.Iwanttorememberit.

DidheforgetthathecalledhismotherandhisgodfatherandtoldthemthathewasindesperateperilinOakland?Aftereverything,doesheassumethatmydearfriendwouldnotcallmeifhewasworriedaboutNic,ifNicwasdesperatelyindangerinanOaklandcrackhouse?Doeshenotknowbynowthathismother,withwhomIhaveriddenthishellishrollercoaster,willofcoursecalltocheckinwithmetotalkaboutwhat,ifanything,weshoulddo?Andnotonlyaboutwhattodo.JusttotalktotheotherpersonwholovesNicthewayshedoes.

Themessagecontinues.He'snotslurring.Hesoundsfine.Hesayshemissesandlovesme.

23"Hey,Papa,it'sme,Nic.Ijustfoundoutthatyouknowthetruthofwhathappened."

Icheckmymessages.Niccalled.Again.There'saslurriness.HehastalkedtoVicki,andheknowsthatIknowthathewasinOakland,notJoshuaTree,andhetriestocoverhistracks."Ijustdidn'twanttoworryyou,"hesays."AndalsoIdidn'twanttobepressuredtocomeseeyouwhileIwasintheBayAreaandIhadnoideathisguywasgoingtoturnouttobesuchapsycho.AndneitherdidZ.Wegotoutoftherethebestaswecould...I'msafenow...Anyway,I'msorryIliedtoyou."

Iaminthelivingroomsittingonthecouch.Somethingcatchesmyeye:apileofnewspapersonthefloor.OntopisanSFWeekly.Ilookcloser.ABayGuardianandaflyerfromAmoebaRecords,hisfavoritestore.Istareatthemanditsinksin.No.

IaskKareniftheyarehers.No,aren'ttheyyours?

Nicbrokeinagain.I'mcertain.

Kareniscertain.

Wearecertain.

No.

Ourheartspound.Westartlookingaroundthehouse.

KarenstopsandasksiftheycouldhavebeenleftbyafriendwhowasvisitingfromNewYork,stayingwithuslastweekend.Could

theybehis?Icallhim.Thenewspapersarehis.

Weareparanoidandcrazy.It'snotonlytheaddictwhobecomesparanoidandcrazy.

Ihaven'treturnedNic'scallsbecauseIjustcan'tfacetalkingtohimnow,notuntilheissober.Offeverydrug.Not"I'mjustusingKlonopintogetoffthemeth,"or"justaValiumtohelpmecomedown."

Ilovehimandalwayswill.ButIcannotdealwithsomeonewholiestome.Iknowthatsoberandclear-headedandinhisrightmindandinrecoveryNicwouldnotlietome.Inaway,Iamgratefulfortheblatancy.Ithastakenawayonethinlayerofmyuncertainty.NormallyIaminsomehellishpurgatory,notknowingwhatistrueandwhatisn't,whetherheisusingornot,butnowIknow.

Ihave,abovemydesk,photographsleaningagainstbooksonashelf.There'sarecentpictureofKarenandanotherofherwhenshewasachild,aruminative,dark-complexionedgirlwithshorthairandastripedsailorshirtonabeachsomewhere.ShelookslikeDaisy,or,rather,Daisy,withhersparklinggazeanddarkeyesandhair,lookslikeher.TherearealsopicturesofDaisy.InoneshewearsmoccasinsandblueunderwearandiscloselyinspectingMoondog'stolerantface.There'sapictureofJasperwhenhewasaninfantinKaren'sarmsandJasperdressedupinaredflannellodencoat,silkpurplerajapants,aknittedgreenflannelhatwithgoldtasselsandfluffypompoms,and,

onhisfeet,genieshoesembroideredwithgoldthreadwithcurled-up,pointytips.ThereareteampicturesofDaisyandJasperposedintheirswimgoggles.TherearepicturesofNic.Inoneheisaboutten,wearingjeans,abluezipperedsweatshirtandbluesneakers.Hishandsareinhispocketsandhelooksatthecamerawithagentlesmile.ThereisamorerecentpictureofNic,too.Abroadsmile,inbaggytrunksandbare-chested,fromwhenhemetusinHawaii.It'smysonandmyfriendNicinrecovery,andheisallright.

Icannotbeartohaveitstaredownatme.Iputitinadeskdrawer.

JasperhasbecomeadeptwithGarageBand,amusicrecordingandmixingcomputerprogram.Hehasconstructedahauntingandbeautifulsong.

"It'sasadsong,"IsayasIentertheroomwhereit'splaying.

"Yes,"herepliesquietly.

"Areyousad?"

"Yes."

"About?"

"Weranthemileatschooltoday.Icouldn'tthinkaboutanythingbutNic."

ItellJasperthatthereareplaceswecangowhereotherkidswithbrothersorsistersorparentswithalcoholordrugproblemsgo.

"Whatdoyoudothere?"

"Youdon'thavetodoanything.Youcanjustlistentowhatother

kidssay.Itcanhelp.Ifyouwant,youcansaysomething."

"Oh."

"Doyouwanttotryit?"

"Ithinkso."

Hehugsmetighterandlongerthanheeverhasbefore.

Inthemorning,thesunshinesthroughaholeinthegray-blacksky.It'slikeaklieglightisshiningonthegarden.Thereisayellowcirclesurroundedeverywherebyadiffusedpatchworkofgold,rust,anddyingwhitehydrangea—thedyingcolorsofautumn.Thepoplartreesarenearlybare;allbutafewleavesaregone,andthetrees'nakedwhitebranchesreachskywardintothegrayshimmeringlight.Onlythemagnoliahasblooms—threewhiteflames.

Aloadoffirewoodwasdeliveredforthewinterseason.Thismorningmygoalistostackitwiththekids.Aswework,Iamthinkingabout,whatelse,Nic.Iamneitheroptimisticnorpessimistic.Idon'tknowwhatwillhappen.IbelievedeeplyinhisgoodsoulandbrainandatthesametimeIhavenoillusionsabouttheseverityofthisillness.No,tobehonest,rightnowIdonotfeeloptimisticatall.

ItcomesdowntowhereNicis.I'moptimistic—notoverlyoptimisticbutoptimistic—whenhe'sinrecovery,disconsolateandpessimisticwhenheisn't.

Strangely,thethoughtofbeingcutofffromNicusedtosendmeintoapanic,butnow—today,atleast,todayatthismoment,atleast—Iamallrightwiththeconcept.ButthenIthink,Niccoulddie.

Stackingwood,Ithink,Niccoulddie.Istopforamoment.

IwouldmisshavingNicinmylife.Iwouldmisshisfunnyphonemessagesandhishumor,thestories,ourtalks,ourwalks,watchingmovieswithhim,dinnerstogether,andthetranscendentfeelingbetweenusthatislove.

Iwouldmissallofit.

Imissitnow.

Andhereitsinksin:Idon'thaveitnow.IhavenothaditwheneverNichasbeenondrugs.

Nicisabsent,onlyhisshellremains.Ihavebeenafraid—terrified—toloseNic,butIhavelosthim.

Inthepast,ItriedtoimaginetheunimaginableandItriedtoimaginebearingtheunbearable.IimaginedlosingNicbyoverdoseoraccident,butnowIcomprehendthatIhavealreadylosthim.Today,atleast,heislost.

Ihavebeenterrorizedbythefearthathewoulddie.Ifhedid,itwouldleaveapermanentcrackinmysoul.Iwouldneverfullyrecover.ButIalsoknowthatifheweretodie,orforthatmatter,ifhestayshigh,Iwouldliveon—withthatcrack.Iwouldgrieve.Iwouldgrieveforever.ButIhavebeengrievingforhimsincethedrugstookover—grievingforthepartofhimthatismissing.Itmustbegrief.AtleastitfeelsexactlylikeJoanDidiondescribesitinTheYearofMagicalThinking:"Griefcomesinwaves,paroxysms,suddenapprehensionsthatweakenthekneesandblindtheeyesandobliteratethedailinessoflife."(Ah,sothatiswhattheyare.It'sarelieftoknow.)

Igrieve,butIalsocontinuetocelebratethepartofhimthatisuntouchablebymethoranyotherdrug.Iwillneverletadrugtakethatfromme.

"Insanityistheinsistenceonmeaning,"wroteFrankBidartinapoem.Yes,butthishumanbrainofminerequiresmeaning—atleastanapproximationofmeaning.ThemeaningIhavecometoisthatNicondrugsisnotNicbutanapparition.Nichighisaghost,aspecter,andwhenheishighmylovelysonisdormant,pushedaside,hiddenawayandburiedinsomeinaccessiblecornerofhisconsciousness.Myfaith,suchasitis,comeswithabeliefthatNicisinthereandhe—Nic,hisessence,hisself—iswhole,safe,andprotected.Nicstrongandclearandfilledwithlove—Nicmayneveragainemerge.Thedrugmaywinthebattleforhisbody.ButIcanliveknowingthatNicisintheresomewhereandthatthedrugcannottouchhimwhereheisintheresomewhereheisthere.

Whateverhappens,IwillloveNic.Somewhereinthatplaceheknowsthis.AndIknow.

Ilookoveratthepileofunstackedwood.Wehavebarelymadeadentinit.Thekidsarewhininganddon'twanttowork.Theylookdejectedandsullen.Jasper'sheadfallsback,hiseyesareclosed,andheexhalesloudly.Hegrumpilytossesalogontothesaggingpile.Myheadrings.Ihearatruckgrindingupthehill.

ThereiscurrentlynoongoingAl-AnongroupforkidsasyoungasJasperandDaisy.(Alateenisforolderchildren.)SoIcallaroundforrecommendationsofotherplacestogoforhelp.Iwantthemtoknowthattheyaren'talone,it'snottheirfault,andthatthoughthedrugs

havestolenNicfromthem,theycanstilllovetheiradoredandadoringbrother.IwantJaspertotrytounderstandthatNicmeanteverythinghewroteinhisnotetohim.ButNic'sillnessisbiggerthanhisbestintentions—hisdesiretodorightbyhimselfandothers.TheNicwhowrotethenoteisgone,atleastfornow.Weneedtofigureoutawaytohelpthelittlechildrengrievefortheirbrother.

Thedevotedlibrariansattheirschoolsendoutarequesttoanetworkoftheirfellowlibrariansatschoolsaroundthecountry.Theresponseisoverwhelming.Iamforwardedalistofbooksaboutkidsdealingwithasituationlikeours—abouttheguiltandresponsibilityonefeelsandthequestionsthatadultscanhardlycomprehend,nevermindchildren.Thecounselorattheirschooltracksdownatherapistwhoworkswithfamiliesandspecializesinaddiction.KarenandIwillmeetwithhimandthen,ifitfeelsasifitmightbeuseful,bringJasperandDaisywithustomeethim.

OnedayIamdrivingDaisyandJasperhomefromschool.AswereachthecrestofthehillaboveOlema,goldanddryinautumn,markingtheentrancetoWestMarin,Daisylooksupfromthescarfshe'smakingandsays,"It'slikeNicislikemybrotherwhoIknowandthisotherguywhoIdon't."

Sheputsherknittingaside.ThenshesaysthatyesterdaytheydiscusseddrugsinGirlsontheRun,agroupoffourth-,fifth-,andsixth-gradegirlswhorunandtalkaboutpersonalandsocialissues—everythingfrombodyimagetonutrition.Thegirlssplitintogroupstodiscusswhykidsstartdrinkingalcohol,smoking,orusingdrugs.

"Whatwerethereasons?"Iask.

"Theyaremadatthemselves,"shesays."Monicasayspeerpressure.Janetsaid,somebodygetsstressed,andIthought,becauseyouwanttogetoutofyourself.

"Wetalkedaboutwaystodealwithstressorsadnessorthingslikethatandsaiditwouldbesmartertothinkofwaystofeelgoodaboutyourselfandtodothingsthatmakeyoufeelhappy,likerunning,ratherthantododrugs."

Jasperhasbeenquiet,thoughtful.Hesays,"Iwastalkingaboutdrugsonmyfieldtrip."Hisgradejustreturnedfromspendingthenightonicy-coldandfogboundAngelIsland.Hesaysthatheandafriend,shiveringthroughthedarknight,talked."HeaskedmehowNicisdoing,"Jaspersays."Isaidthatheisusingdrugsagain."

Hisfriend,whohadreadtheTimesarticle,said,"Butyourbrotherseemssosmartandlikesuchanicekid."

Jaspersays,"Itoldhim,'Iknow.Heis.'"HerepeatedthestoryaboutthecartoonangelanddevilonNic'sshoulderandalsosaidthatheisgoingtotalktosomeoneaboutit—apersonwhohelpspeoplewhohaveaddictsintheirfamilieslearnhowtodealwithit.

Inthepast,JasperandNichavesenteachothermessagesfrommycellphonetoNic's—one-linegreetings.NowJasper,thinkingabouthisbrother,asksifhecansendone.

Hewrites:"Nic,Bsmart.Love,Jasper."

HesendsiteventhoughNic'scellphonehasbeenshutdown."Maybehe'llturnitbackon,"Jaspersays.

Somuchaboutthisdiseaseisgrieving.Griefisinterruptedby

hope,hopebygrief.Thenourgrievingisinterruptedbyanewcrisis.FromtheShakespearebythebed,Iread:

Grieffillstheroomupofmyabsentchild,Liesinhisbed,walksupanddownwithme,Putsonhisprettylooks,repeatshiswords,Remembersmeofallhisgraciousparts,Stuffsouthisvacantgarmentswithhisform;ThenhaveIreasontobefondofgrief.

Irageagainsthisstruggleandpainandhowhisaddictionhascausedsomuchpaininourlives—ours,his—andIamalsofilledwithboundlessloveforhim,themiracleofNicandallhehasandallhehasbroughttoourlives.IrageagainstthisGodIdon'tbelieveinandyetpraytoandthankhimforNicandforthehopethatIhave—yes,evennow.Maybeit'sthatmybrainisbiggernow:itcanholdmorethanitcouldholdbefore.Itcanmoreeasilytoleratecontradictions,suchastheideathatrelapsescanbepartofrecovery.AsDr.Rawsonsaid,itsometimestakesmanyofthembeforeanaddictstayssober.Iftheydon'tdieordotoomuchdamage,there'sachance,alwaysachance.

IlookbackatthedismalstatisticsIwasgivenyearsagobyanurseaboutthesuccessratesforrehabofmethaddicts—single-digitsuccess.Iunderstandthatit'sunrealistictothinkthatmanyaddictswillstaysoberforeverafteroneortwoorthreeorhowevermanytriesatsobriety,butmaybethemoremeaningfulstatisticisthis,relatedbyoneofthelecturersatarehab:"Morethanhalfofthepeoplewhoenterrehabaresobertenyearsout,whichdoesn'tmeanthattheyhaven'tbeeninandoutofsobriety."

It'sasad,sadtime,butIamgratefulforthemiraclethatNicisaliveandhasachance.Maybeitwilltakeabiggermiracletosave

him.Whenwenamedhim,weconsultedmyfather.HisfullnameisNicolasEliotSheff.HisinitialsspelltheHebrewwordfor"miracle."Iprayforabiggermiracle,butinthemeantimeIamgratefulfortheonewehave.Nicisalive.Writingabouthisson,ThomasLynchdescribedtheunexpectedconclusionsparentsreachwhenweconfrontsomethingasoverwhelmingasachild'saddiction:"Icouldbethankfulevenforthisawfulillness—cunning,baffling,andpowerful—thathastaughtmetoweepandlaughoutloudandbetterandforreal.Andthankfulthat,ofallthefataldiseasesmysonmighthavegotten,hegotoneforwhichthereisthislittlesliverofhopethatifhesurrenders,he'llsurvive."

Inthemorning,Jasper,wearingaberry-coloredsweater,sitsatmydesk,whereheplaysanewcomputergame.Alongwiththesoundofcomputer-generatedmusic,crashingcymbals,aFrenchhorn,andboomingbass,Jaspertalkstothescreen."What?Eheheh.Gotcha."

DaisyclosesherbookandmovestotheroundtablewhereKarenisworkingonacollage.Soonsheiscutting,painting,andpastingpaper,too.

Niccalledandleftanothermessagelastnight.Hesaidthatheandhisgirlfriend"broughtthingswaytoofar"andnowplantogetsober.Heexplainedthathetalkedtoadoctoraboutitandwasgivensomemedicationtohelp.

OfcourseIdon'tbelieveit.Hismeaninglesswordsthesedaysareanothersadfactofhisaddiction,belyingtheirgenuinenesswhenheissober.

Iwait.ForNictohitsomesortofbottom.ItsinksinaftereverythingwehavebeenthroughandeverythingIhavereadandheard.Addictsultimatelyrecoverwhentheyhitbottom.Theybecomedesperateandhopelessandterrified;theymustbesodesperateandsohopelessandsoterrifiedthattheywillbewillingtodoanythingtosavetheirlives.ButhowcouldNic'soverdoseinNewYork,whenhewasrushedtotheemergencyroom—unconscious,neardeath—nothavebeenhittingbottom?Howcouldhissubsequentnightmarishrelapsenothavebeenhittingbottom?Idon'tknow.AllIdoknowisthatNicisbackinastateofdruggedfantasy,holdingontotheillusionsthatallowhimtodenytheseriousnessofhissituation.It'swhataddictsdo.IamfearfulknowingthatNicwillremaininthisdeludedstateuntilthenextdramaticevent.Whatevent?Wemustwaitforit,meanwhileknowingthatitmightneverarrive.Beforemanyaddictshitbottom,theydie.Orsomewinduphalf-dead,paralyzedorbrain-damaged,afterastrokeorsomethingsimilar.Thisistrueofmostdrugsandcertainlywithmeth,whichcanturnabrainintomisfiringmush.

Parentswantonlygoodthingsfortheirchildren.Yethere,inmortalcombatwithaddiction,aparentwishesforacatastrophetobefallhisson.Iwishforacatastrophe,butonethatiscontained.Itmustbeharshenoughtobringhimtohisknees,tohumblehim,butmildenoughsothathecan,withheroiceffortandthegoodthatIknowisinsidehim,recover,becauseanythingshortofthatwillnotbeenoughforhimtosavehimself.

Afriendwhosemotherwasanalcoholictoldmethathespentadecadehopingfora"nearmiss"—somethingdramaticenoughtobringhismotherintotreatmentforherillness,butnottoodramatic—nothingpermanentlydebilitating.Thenearmissnevercame.Hismotherdiedtwomonthsago.Whenmyfriendandhissisterscleanedhisparents'house,theyuncoveredemptyvodkabottleshiddeninthe

backsofcupboardsbehindchina,andemptybottlesburiedunderneatlyfoldedsweatersinclosets.Whenshedied,hismotherhadthirtytimesthelegaldrivinglimitofalcoholinherbody.

IwishforanearmissforNic.

Iprayforanearmiss.

24There'snothingtobedone,wehavetodoeverythingwecando.Wehavedoneeverythingwecando,wehavemoretodo.VickiandIagonizeoverit.

AfterNiccallsagain,high,askingformoney,Vickisays,"Wehavetotry."

Iwonderaboutanintervention,butthinkthataftereverythingwehavedone,it'sridiculousandhopeless.

"Youcan'tcontrolit."

ButIcannotletNicgo.Notyet.Soon?Notyet.

IcannotletNicgo.

IwillnotletNicgounlessIamforcedto.Imaybe.

Youdidn'tcauseit,youcan'tcontrolit,youcan'tcureit.

Iknow.

There'salotIdon'tknow,butIhavelearnedsomelessonsaboutaddiction.Thoughtherearesomewrongcoursesofactiontotake,thereisnopredeterminedrightcourse.Nooneknows.Sincerelapseisoftenpartofrecovery,Nicstillmaygetit.NiccanstillbeOK.

IgoovertheendlessstoriesofpeopleIhavemetintherehabgroupsoratAAandAl-Anonmeetingsandthestoriesoffriendsoffriendsforwhomittookmultipletries.Someofthemhitbottom—unthinkablyhorriblebottoms—andliterallydraggedthemselvesfrom

crackhouses,fromgutters,fromdealers'dens,frompoolsoftheirownbloodintorehabordetoxortoanAAmeetingortotheirparents'doorstep.Othersgottorehabbecausetheirwivesgavethemanultimatum,thecourtorderedthem,theirparentsforcedthem,ortheirfriendsandfamilyorchestratedinterventions.Awomanwhohearsaboutourplightcallsandsays,"Ijustwanttosaydon'tgiveup.MysonwouldbedeadifIhadgivenup.Idecidedtodoitonelasttime.Thisisaftersevenrehabsandhospitalsandarrestsandtwosuicideattempts.Nowmyson,whoistwenty-five,hasbeensoberforthreeyearsandheisbetterthanhehaseverbeeninhisentirelife.Peopletoldmetogiveuponhim,butIdidn't.Howdoesamothergiveuponherson?IfIhad,hewouldn'tbeherenow.That'saguarantee.Hewouldhavedied.Icalledjusttotellyouthisstory.Donotgiveuphopeanddonotgiveuponhim."

Ifitwerelegal,IwouldhiresomeonetokidnapNicandforciblytakehimtoahospitalfordetoxwiththehopethat,soberagain—atleastwithawindowoutofthederangedanddeludeddruggedstateofmind—hewouldtry.Ihaveheardstoriesaboutparentswhohiredpeopletokidnaptheiradultchildren.IwouldconsiderbreakingthelawandsufferingtheconsequencesifIthoughtitwouldwork,butIdon'tthinkitwould.Nicwouldflee.Ifhewasunreadytobetreated,hewouldflee.Yetitfeelstooriskytowaitforhimtobottomout.

KarenandIdecidethatwewillhelppaythecostofrehabifwecangethimtogo.Again.Hismothersaysthatshewill,too.Wehavedecidedtopayonemoretime.Yes,weknowthatitcouldbewastedmoney.Weagreethatthisisthelasttime,becauserehabcanbecomealifestyleforsomeaddicts.Afterthis,ifNicrelapsesandwantshelp,hewillhavetodoitonhisown,relyingonthesorelylimitedpublicresourcesavailabletoaddicts.Maybeitwouldbemoreusefulifhecrawledonhishandsandkneesintoapubliclyfundedprogrambeggingforhelp.Wouldhedoso?Thereareprogramsinmanycities,

buttheyareovercrowded.Therearewaitinglists.It'slikelythatitwouldtakeNictwotofourmonthstogetintoone.

Wemaynothavethatlong.

SometimesIamallright.Isthiswhattheycalllettinggo?Ihaveletgo,iflettinggomeansthatIamallrightsometimes.Ileavethecrisisbehindforperiodsofeachday.IenjoythetimeIspendwithKarenandDaisyandJasperandourfriends.YesterdayDaisyandIhadourbookgroup.LasteveningJasperandIwentonathrillingbikeridepastegretsandcurlewsonthetrailsthroughCorteMaderaMarsh.SometimesIamfine,sometimesIamnot.

Iconsultmoreexperts.Afterourexperience,Iamnotnaiveenoughtobelievethatanyexperthastheanswertoourfamily'sproblem.NoramIarrogantenoughtothinkthatIknowtheanswer.Iwillnotblindlyfollowanyone'sadvice,butIgatherinformationandwillweighitanddecidewhat,ifanything,todo.IknowmorethanIdidatthestartofthisthing.IknowthatnooneknowstheanswertowhatisrightforNicoranyotheraddict.Nooneknowswhatwillwork.Nooneknowshowmanytimes.Thisneithercompelsalovedonetoactnorimpelshimnotto.

Overthepastfewyears,Ihavecometoknowandrespectandtrustafewoftheexpertsmorethanothers.Dr.RichardRawsonatUCLAknowsasmuchaboutmethamphetamineasanyone.Asaresearcher,hehasnoagendaotherthanfactandtruth.Heisdevotedtohisworkforonereason,tohelpaddicts.

Iemailhimandaskifhethinksthat,aftereverythingwehave

beenthrough,tryinganinterventioniscrazy,anexerciseinfutility.Ifullyexpecttohearbacktheconventionalwisdom—Nichastohitbottom.IexpecthimtotellmethatIshoulddomybesttoletgo.

Instead,hewarnsmethatinterventionisnocure-all.Hewarnsmethatitisrisky.Inaddition,hesaysthathedoesn'tknowofdatathatwouldsupport(orshootdown)intervention."But,"hewrites,"myimpressionisthatsome[interventionists]arequitegoodatorganizingafamily'sresponseandcreatingaprocessandinterventioneventthatresultsinaresistantaddictgettingintotreatmentmorequicklythaniftheyhadwaiteduntiltheaddict'hitsbottom.'Thisisnotaninsignificantcontribution,since'hittingbottom'isatautology.Whenapersonfinallygetssoberandremainssoberforanextendedperiod,thebadstuffthathappenedimmediatelypriortothatisreferredtoas'hittingbottom.'Similarperiodsofawfulnessthatareequallyawfulbutdon'tleadtosobrietyare,bydefinition,nothittingbottom.Somepeoplediebeforethey'hitbottom.'Idon'tthink'hittingbottom'isausefulconstruct.SoIdothinkinterventionscanbehelpfulingettingresistantpeopleintotreatment.However,theydon'tgiveguaranteesofoutcomesat1,5or10yearspostintervention.Andtheycanbeexpensive."

Thenhesayswhatdecidesitforme.Forgettheory,forgetstatistics,forgetefficacystudies.WhatwouldhedoifNicwerehisson?

"IfIhadachildwhowasaddictedtomethandIhaddoneeverythingIcouldthinkoftogetthemhelpandtheystillwereengagedinthedangerous,lifethreateningbehaviorofmeth(orheroin,cocaineoralcohol)use,Iwouldseriouslyconsiderusinganinterventionist.MythinkingaboutthisisthesameasifIhadakidwhohadarelapsingchronicillnessofothertypes,IwouldkeeppushingthemtowardtreatmenttotheextentIhadresourcestodoit.

Allofmysupportwouldbelinkedtotheirentryintotreatment."

Itseemsmadtotryagain—howcanyouhelpsomeonewhodoesn'twanttobehelped?Butitdoesn'tmatter.Wewilltryagain.HismotherandstepfatherandKarenandIwilltryagain.

There'sanAAsayingthattryingthesamethingandexpectingdifferentresultsistheheightofinsanity.Butarepeatedmessageofrehabisthatitmaytakemultipletriesforsomeonetogetandstaysober.Ithinkofthechildrenofthepeoplewhowrotetome—"mybeautiful,lovelydaughter,twentyyearsold,thegentlestsoulonearth,overdosedlastyearanddied,"afatherwrote—andIwonderhowandwhenweshouldtryonemoretimetogetNicintotreatment."IfIhadachildwhowasaddictedtometh,"Dr.Raw-sonwrote.Ido.

Onemorning,Niccallsandinformsmethathehasanewplan.Addictsalwaysdo.Againandagain,theyreframetheworldtofitintotheirdelusionthattheyarestillincontrol.Nictellsmethatheandhisgirlfriendfinishedofftheirstashofmethandthat'sit,it'sover.Heisn'tgoingtosuccumbtomymanipulationtogobackintorehab.Hepromisesthatthistimeisdifferent—"shewon'tletmeuse,Iwon'tlether,wemadeavow,we'llcallthepoliceoneachotherifweslip,she'llleavemeifIslip"—moreofwhathehassaidthemanytimeshepromisedthatthistimewouldbedifferent.

Hehangsup.

IcallsomeinterventionistsrecommendedbyDr.RawsonandacounseloratHazelden's800number.ThenIreceiveanotherphonecall,thistimefromafriendwhooffersthecounterargument.Hehasbeeninrecoveryfromdrugsandalcoholfornearlytwenty-fiveyears.Hesaysthatit'samistaketointerveneandamistaketotryrehab."Therehabindustryisliketheautorepairindustry,"hesays."They

wantyoutocomeback.Andpeoplealwaysdo.It'sathrivingindustrybecausenoonegetswell.Theytellyou,'Keepcomingback.'"Helaughsgrimly."That'swhattheywant.IhadtohitbottomwhentherewasnooneandnothingandIhadlosteverythingandeveryone.That'swhatittakes.Youhavetobealone,broke,desolate,anddesperate."

Yes,thatmightbewhatittakes.Yes,theoddsarethatneitherinterventionnoranothertryatrehabwillwork.Buttheymay.

Wewillnotkeepcomingback.Wehaveneithertheemotionalnorthefinancialresourcestokeepcomingback.Mybrainalreadyburstonce,andsometimesitseemsasifitcoulddosoagain.

ButhereIam,makingcallstointerventionistsasNicleaveshardlycoherentmessagesonourmachines.AndaftereverythingwehavebeenthroughIamstillconfused,inafamiliarplacebetweentheopposingmessagesfromoutsidemeandinsideme—leavehimalone,lethimsuffertheconsequencesofhisactions,tryanythingtosavehislife.

ThefirstinterventionistIreachclaimsthathehasa90percentsuccessrate,andIpolitelythankhimforhistime.Hecouldbetellingthetruth,butIamdoubtful.Anotheroneismoremodest."Therearenoguarantees,butitisworthtrying,"hesays.HeproposesascenarioinwhichNic'smotherandI,alongwithKaren,hisfriends,andhisgirlfriend,ifsheiswilling,confrontNicandofferhimachancetogotorehab.Abedwouldbewaiting.Nicwouldbeencouragedtogetintoacarandimmediatelygo.

"Ican'timaginethathewouldgo,"Isay.

"Itoftenworks,"heexplains."Thepsychologyofinterventionisthatanaddictfeelsoverwhelmedandvulnerableinthepresenceofhis

familyandfriends.Hemayagreetogobecauseofguiltorshameorbecausehislovedonesbreakinenoughsothathecanglimpsethetruthofhiscircumstance—thepeoplewholovehimwouldnotlie.Theyaremotivatedbyonething.Tosavehim."

Afterapause,heaskstheusualquestion:

"What'shisdrugofchoice?"

"Heusesjustabouteverydrugonthestreets,buthealwaysgravitatesbacktomethamphetamine."

Thevoiceonthetelephoneletsoutadeepsigh.

"Iworkwithalldrugs,butIhatetohearaboutmeth.It'ssodestructiveandunpredictable."

ItellhimthatIwillconsultwithNic'smotherandcallhimback.

FromAddictintheFamily:"Noneofthisiseasy.Addicts'familieswalkanunhappypaththatisstrewnwithmanypitfallsandfalsestarts.Mistakesareinevitable.Painisinevitable.Butsoaregrowthandwisdomandserenityiffamiliesapproachaddictionwithanopenmind,awillingnesstolearn,andtheacceptancethatrecovery,likeaddictionitself,isalongandcomplexprocess.Familiesshouldnevergiveuphopeforrecovery—forrecoverycananddoeshappeneveryday.Norshouldtheystoplivingtheirownliveswhiletheywaitforthatmiracleofrecoverytooccur."

Whenwillitoccur?Willitoccur?

Inthemeantime,seeminglymiraculously,thesunriseseachdayandsetseachevening.Theglobedoesnotstopspinning,andthereare

spellingteststopreparefor,swimteamcarpoolstodrive,mathhomework;therearedinnerstobemadeand,afterward,dishestowash.Thereiswork—articlestobewrittenbeforeinflexibledeadlines.

InaweekNicleavesanothermessage.

"Ithasbeenelevendaysnow.I'msober.Elevendays."

Isitreal?Willitlasttotwelvedays?

HowmanytimeshaveIpromisedmyselfnevertodothisagain,neveragainliveinastateofpanic,waitingforNictoshowupornotshowup,tocheckhimselfinornotcheckhimselfin.Doingthesamethingrepeatedlyandexpectingdifferentresultsisthedefinitionofinsanity.Iwillnotdoitagain.

Iamdoingitagain.

Upanddown.Twistedanddepressed.Distraughtandthenallright.

Ikeeptheinterventionist'snumberhandy.

OneSaturday,afterswimming,Jasperleavesforaboy'sbirthdayparty,asleepover.Karenisinthecityhangingherpaintingsfortomorrow'sopening,andsoitisthetwoofus,DaisyandI,athomeinInverness.Brutusisbreathinghardonthecouchnearthefireplaceafterhisdailygameofchasewithabevyofquailthathavetakenuppermanentresidenceinthegarden.Hemaybedecrepit,buthisshakylegsdon'tstophimfromthisexhaustingsport.NowheistootiredtofleefromDaisy;he'sathermercy.UsingKlutzPressnailpolish—nontoxicpurplesandpinks—shepaintshisclaws.Shehasbeen

makingfolded-papercootie-catchers,agameoffortunetelling.NowshemakesoneforBrutus.Normallythesecontaincolorsandnumbersandfortunesforhumans,butBrutusmakeshischoiceswitha"yawn,""twitch,"or"pant.""Comehere,bigbrownfluffball,"shesays.Hisfortunes:"Youwillhaveanicedayofsleepingandeating.""YouwillbumpintoaGreatDaneandbecomefriends.""Youwillstealasteakandgetintrouble."Foglikesteamandthickcottonhasblockedoutthesun,butafirestillpalelyburns.

Intheevening,DaisyandIreadtogether—thebookisbyoneofourfavoritechildren'sauthors,EvaIbbotson.Daisyleansonmyshoulder.Shepushesherretaineroutbetweenherlips,sucksitbackin,andclicksitintoplace.Shedislodgesitagain,pushesitout,clicksitback.

"Stopplayingwithyourretainer."

"It'sentertaining."Sheclicksitagain.

"Theorthodontistsaidit'sabadidea.Stop."

"Fine."Sheclicksitagain.

WecloseTheStarofKazanandIkissDaisyontheforehead.Shegoesofftobed.

Iaminmybedreadingwhenthephonerings.

Nic.

Hesaysthatheisgoodandthingsaregoingwell,butIcantellthatheishigh.Isayso.

Heinsiststhatit'sthemedicationforgettingoffmethandcoke

andheroin.

"I'monlyusingKlonopin,Seboxin,Strattera,Xanax."

"Only?"

Heinsiststhatadoctorprescribedthem.Ifthisistrue,IcannotcomprehendthedifferencebetweenhimandNic'sotherdrugdealers.

Nicsays,"IknowthatonthesedrugsI'mnot'AAsober,'butthat'sbullshitanyway.I'msober."

"Callmewhenyou'reAAsober,"Isay."We'lltalkthen."

InthemorningIcheckmyemailbeforeleavingtopickupJasperfromthesleepover.

Nic'sgirlfriendhassentanurgentmessage.

"Heleftmeatthemarketthismorningtogotohismomssaidhe'dbebackin15minutes.Tookmycar,mypurseisinitwithmyinhaler.HenevercamebacktothemarketIwaitedfor4hoursuntilmyfriendsentacabforme.

"Pleasecallmeat[herphonenumber].Emergency."

25ItisNovember,butthemorningiswarm.Athinmoonstillhangsonthedaylight.Staringatitearlier,Daisycalleditasidewayssmile.KarenhastakenDaisywithhertothecity,andIAMdrivingtopickupJasperfromtheovernight,havingarrangedtocollecthimatthesoccerfieldnearthewindmillatGoldenGatePark.

AsmycarcrestsOlemaHill,IcallZ.'snumber.Sheisoutofbreath,frenetic—angryandworried.Inthisstate,sherevealsmorethanshehadinheremail,explainingthatNicdroppedheroffatamarketinthePalisadesat5:45am.Hetookhercartohismother's.HewasgoingtobreakinandstealVicki'scomputer.Shesaysitasifheweregoingovertoborrowsugar.Nichadpromisedtobebackinfifteenminutes,buthehadnotreturnedforfourhours.Presumingthathe'dbeenarrested,shecalledthepolice,buttheyhadnorecordofhim.

Sheissobbing.

"Whatcouldhavehappenedtohiminfiveblocksfromthemarkettohismother'shouse?"

ItellherwhatIknowfrommyexperiencewithNic.EverytimehedisappearedIimaginedeverypossiblescenario—thathehadbeeninafatalaccidentor,absurdly,beenkidnapped—buthehadrelapsed.

Iask,"CouldhebedrivingtoSanFrancisco?"

"Hehasnomoney."

"ThenheprobablywenttoadealerinLA."

"Andjustleftmeonthestreet?"

"Fordrugs.Whatelsecanitbe?"

ItellherthatI'llcheckwithNic'smotherandcallback.

ThephoneawakensVicki.WhenIexplain,shesaysthatNichasn'tshownup."There'snosignofhim,"shesays.

Inahalf-hour,shecallsback.

"He'shere.Heisinthegarage.Hebrokeinandwasrobbingus,pilingthingsinshoppingbags.Hegotconfusedandsomehowmanagedtolockhimselfinside.He'spanickedandcrazed.He'sranting."

"Tweaking,"Iclarify.

BythetimeIcallZ.,shehasheardfromNic,whocalledfromatelephoneinthegarage.Enraged,sheispackinguphisclothes."I'vehadit,"shesays."Ifyoutalktohim,tellhimhisclotheswillbeoutsideonthefrontporch."

Vicki,afterdiscussingitwithherhusband,tellsNicthathehasachoice.Thepolicewillbecalledandhewillbearrestedorhecangobacktorehab.

DrivingtogetJasperinthecityonthesunnymorning,Ireel.

Hehasbrokenintohismother'shouse.Heisoutofhismind.Methagain.Tweaking.Sinceherelapsed,Ihaveknownthatsomethinglikethiswascoming,butnowthedamburstsandIamfloodedwithemotion.

PleaseGodhealNic.

Isittoolate?

Relapseispartofrecovery.PleasehealNic.

There'sJasperwithhisfriendsonthesoccerfield.Whenheseesme,hewavesandthenrunstothecar.Hethrowshisbagofclothesandsportsgearinthebackseatandclimbsin.

"Westayedupuntilmidnighthavingapillowfight."

"Areyouexhausted?"

"I'mnoteventired."

Heisasleepinminutes.

WithJassleepingbesideme,Imakemorephonecalls—callstodecidewheretosendNic.Ifheagreestogo.IcallJace,thedirectorofHerbertHouse,whoknowsNicandcaresabouthim.Jacehashelpedmanyaddicts.Heknowstherehabs.Hesaysthatwhateverwedo,weshouldgetNicoutofLAandinaninpatientprogramthatlastsforaminimumofthreeorfourmonths,preferablylonger.Hesays,"Hazeldenisexpensive,butit'sasgoodastheycome."Hazeldenhasafour-monthprogram,andsoIcallthe800number.AnintakecounselortellsmethatthereisnobedintheMinnesotalocation,butthereisoneinOregon.Iamtransferredtoacounselorthere.

HemustspeaktoNic,butitseemslikelythatNic,ifheiswilling,cangothere.

Karen'sopeningisinthecity.JackHanley,thegalleryintheMission,iscrowded.Daisy,wearingawoolknittedcap,andJasper,inshortsinspiteofacoldwind,playoutsidewithotherkidsuntiltheyleaveearlywithmybrotherandhisfamily.

Itakeabreaktogetair.Iwalkaroundtheblock.WhenKarenfirstmovedinwithus,NicandIlivedafewblocksfromhere.WewalkedthisandtheneighboringstreetsfortortillasandmangoesattheMexicanmarkets.Onweekends,wewouldgotoInverness.

IrecallaschoolholidayinOctoberofthatyear—1989—whenwestoppedatthecornermarkettostockupandthendroveoutforanightinthecountry.Intheafternoon,wemetupwithafriendforawalkonmiles-longLimantourBeach.Wewerehikingunderasapphiresky.SuddenlyNicpointedtothenoseofasealthathadpoppedupthroughthechoppysurf.Thentherewasanother,thenanother.Soontenoradozensealswerepeeringatuswithblackeyes,theirlongnecksjuttingoutofthewater.Nextitwasasifsomeonegrabbedthebeachandshookitoutlikeanoldrug.Thesandrolled,aswavyastheocean,upandthendownandupagainbeforecollapsing.

Westeadiedourselvesandtriedtotakeinwhathadhappened.Anearthquake.

Weheadedbacktothecabin,whereweusedacellphone(thelandlineswereout)tocallourfriendsandfamily,makingsurethateveryonewasallrightandassuringthemthatwewere.Thecabinhadageneratorthatpoweredafewlightbulbsandanoldblackand-whitetelevision,onwhichwewatchedfootageofthedevastationinSanFrancisco,includingflattenedapartmentbuildingsintheMarinaDistrictandcarssquashedbyafallenrampconnectingtotheBayBridge.

Schoolwascanceled,sowestayedinInvernessforafewdays.Finally,whenitresumed,weheadedbackhome.Theteacherstalkedtothechildrenabouttheearthquakeandotherthingsthatscarepeople.Thechildrenwroteabouttheirexperiences."Iwasatthebeach,"Nicwrote."Iwaslookingdownintoasandpit.Iheardthatapersonwasthrownoutofaswimmingpool.Theearthquakemademefeeldizzy."Atrecess,aboystoodontheplayground,rockingandswaying.WhentheprincipalaskedifhewasOK,theboynoddedandsaid:"Iammovingliketheearth,soifthere'sanotherearthquakeIwon'tfeelit."

AsIwalkaroundtheblockcrowdedwithpeopleoutonaSaturdaynight,Irememberthelittleboyandfeelthewayhefelt.Inavigatethrougheachdaylikehim,onguard,waryofthenextupheaval.IprotectmyselfthebestIcan.Imoveliketheearthincasethere'sanotherearthquake.Likenow,bracingmyselfwhenIflipopenthecellphoneandcallZ.,preparedforwhatevercomes.

ShehandsthephonetoNic.

"Soitlookslikethere'sabedatHazeldeninOregon.Youwillhavetocallandspeaktoacounselorinthemorning."

"I'vebeenthinkingaboutit.Idon'thavetogo.Icandoitmyself."

"Youtriedthatanditdidn'twork."

"ButnowIknow."

Isigh."Nic..."

IcanhearZ.inthebackground."Nic,youhavetogo."

"Iknow,Iknow.Allright.Yeah,Ihavetogo.Iknow."

Aftertheinitialburstofbravado,Nicseemsresigned.Healsoseemsmystified."IthoughtIcouldstaysoberbecauseIwantedto,"hesays."Ithoughtbeinginlovelikethiscouldkeepmesober,butitcouldn't.Itfreaksmeout."Afterapause,hesays,"Iguessthisiswhatitmeanstobeanaddict."

MovingliketheearthsoIdon'tfeelthisnewearthquake—thislatestrelapse.Iwalkunderstreetlamps,anaustereskyoverhead.Carsstreakby.Iwalkbacktothegallery.

OnMonday,NicspeakstoacounseloratHazelden,andafterwardhetellsmethatheisgoingtoOregon.

Ibookaflightknowingthathemaynotshowup.

NextIhearfromhimthatheispackedandreadytogo.

Z.isdrivinghimtotheairport.IcallHazeldentobesurethatsomeonewillpickhimupwhenhearrives,butthemanwhoanswersthephonesaysthatthereisnorecordthatNicisarriving.WhenIprotest,Iamtransferredtoasupervisingcounselor,whoexplainsthatNicwasnotapprovedforadmission.

"Whatdoyoumeanhe'snotapprovedforadmission?He'sonhisway."

"Whyisheonhisway?Hewasnotapproved."

"Noonetoldus."

"I'mnotcertainwhy,butthisisthedecision."

"Butyoucan't...Heisonhiswaytotheairport.Wehavetogethimintoaprogramwhilehe'swillingtogo."

"I'msorry,but—"

"Canhecometonightandbegindetoxingwhilewefigureoutwherehe'llgonext?"

"I'msorry."

"WhatamIsupposedtodo?"

"Ifhefliesuphere,noonewillbemeetinghim."

"WhatamIsupposedtodo?"

"Wehavesomerecommendationsofotherprograms."Shegivesmethenames.

IhangupandcallJace.Hesayshe'llmakesomecalls.JacecallsbackwiththenameofahospitalintheSanFernandoValleywhereNiccandetox.

IcallthedoctorwhorunsitandarrangeforNictobeadmitted.ThenIcallZ.'scellphoneagainandexplainwhathappened.Insteadofgoingtotheairport,IsaythatNicshouldgotothehospital.Iprovidetheaddress.Atleasthewillbesafeinahospital.Ifheshowsup.

JohnLennonsang,"Nobodytoldmethere'dbedayslikethese."Nobodytoldmetherewouldbedayslikethese.Howdopeoplesurvivethem?

Aftermidnight,Z.dropshimoffatthehospital.Nicisgiven

medicationtobegindetoxing.Asthenurseexplains,hewillspendmostofthefirstfewdayssleeping.Thealternativetomedicationisthewell-documentedhellofcoldturkey,whichmanyaddictscannotendure.Crawlingoutoftheirskin,depressedanddistraught,feelinghopelessandinacutepain,theywilldoanythingtofeelbetter—theywillfinddrugs.

Iregularlycheckinwiththenursesontheward,whoassuremethathe'sdoingallright.Onesays:"Giventhequantityandvarietyofdrugsinhissystem,it'samiraclehemadeitin.Idon'tthinkhisbodycouldhavesurvivedanothermonth."

HismotherandIexploreoptionsforwherehecangonext.OnceagainIaskDr.Rawsonforadvice,andhequeriessomefriendsandcolleagues.IcheckontheprogramsrecommendedbythesupervisoratHazelden.WeaskthedoctorwhoisdetoxingNicforhissuggestions.Overthecourseofthesedays,VickiandIeachmakedozensoftelephonecalls.WetalktoadmissionsrepsandcheckWebsites.Wecontinuetogetcontradictoryadvice.Someprogramschargefortythousanddollarsamonth,buttheexpertsagreethatNicwillneedmanymonthsintreatmentthistime.Wecan'taffordforty-thousand-dollarmonths.Somepeoplewespeaktoareaspushyasused-carsalesmen.OneplacerecommendedbyHazeldensoundsappropriateandismoreaffordablethanmanyothers.Thensomeonetellsmethatitisahardcoreprograminwhichpunishmentsforbreakingrulesincludecuttingthegrasswithscissors.Thismaybeusefultherapyforsomepeople,butNicwouldgocrazy.MaybeI'mwrong.Ihavebeenwrongaboutsomuch.

Atleasthe'ssafefortheweekend.

ItalktoanothernurseattendingtoNic.Hisbloodpressurehasbeenextremelylow,thoughitisbettertoday.Hehasn'teatenmuch

sincehearrived.

SheasksNicifheisupforcomingtothetelephone.Hewalkstothenurses'stationandpicksupthephone.

"Hey,Dad."

Hisvoiceishardlyaudible.Hesoundsextremely,extremelydepressed.

"How'sitgoing?"

"It'shell."

"Iknow."

"ButI'mgladtobehere.Thanks.Iguessthisiswhattheymeanbyunconditionallove."

"Justgothroughthis.Thisistheworst,butitwillgetbetter."

"WhatshouldIdonext?"

"We'lltalkaboutitwhenyou'refeelingalittlebetter.YourmomandIareworkingonit."

Infact,VickiandIareoverwhelmedtryingtofindaplacethatwillgiveNicthebestchance.Dr.Rawsoncontinuesmakingcallsandsendingemailstohiscolleaguesaroundthecountryonourbehalf.Hetellsmethat"thisexperienceinadvisingyouhasmadememoreconvincedthatmakingaselectionofprogramsinthementalhealth/substanceabuseservicesystemislikereadingtealeaves."

Niccallsonthethirdmorningofhisdetoxandasksmetocallhim

backonthepayphonedownthehall.

"It'sworse,"hesays,soundingweakandmiserable.Iimaginehimstandinginahospitalhallway—welllit,white—tetheredtoapayphonebyitsmetalcord.Slumpedover.Supportedbythewall.

"I'mtired.Allthefearscomein.Confused.Whatishappening?Why?Whydoesthiskeephappeningtome?"

Hecries.

"Whatiswrongwithme?Ifeelasifmylifehasbeenstolen."

Hecries.

"Ican'tdothis."

"Youcan,"Isay.

Morecallstoday.VickiandIhaveconferencecallswiththeintakepeopleatrehabsaroundthecountry,inFlorida,Mississippi,Arizona,NewMexico,Oregon,andMassachusetts.

WefinallychooseoneinSantaFe.Iamuncertain.AftersiftingthroughwhatDr.Rawsoncalls"anon-systemcomprisedofrumor,marketingbullshit,bestguessesandfiscalopportunism,"wemadethebestchoicewecould,butI'munsure.Isittherightone?Howcananyoneknow?

Niccallsagain.HesaysthatheshouldstayinLAand,atmost,workinanoutpatientprogram.

Icounter:"Iknow,andIthinkthatapartofyouknows,thatyouneedtogosomewhereandstaythereuntilyouhavedonethehard

workoffiguringoutwhatiswrongandwhatyoucando."

"Whydoyoustillcare?"

"Istillcare."

"Whycan'tIdoitmyself?WhydoIneedtogointoanotherprogram?"

"Soyoucanhaveafuture.LastweekwhenIknewthatyoucoulddieatanymoment,Icouldn'tbearit.Ilivewiththeknowledgethatyoucouldblackoutoroverdoseorgopsychoticordosomeirrevocabledamageordie—itcouldhappenanytime."

Heanswers,"Ilivewithit,too."

Togetherweweep.It'sastartlingmomentforme.Inthetrenchesthesepastmonths,Ihaveheldbacktears,butnowtheypourforth.Nicisinthehallwayofahospitalsomewhere,leaningagainstawall,andIamonthekitchenfloor,crying.

Beforehangingup,hesays,"Icannotbelievethatthisismylife."Thenhebreathesinandsays,"I'lldowhateverittakes."

EarlyonTuesdaymorning,hismotherpickshimupatthehospitalinthevalleyanddriveshimdirectlytotheairport,wheresheconvincesasecurityagenttoallowherthroughthecheckpointsoshecanescorthimtothegateandontotheflighttoNewMexico.

Shecallsmefromthelounge.Nichasboardedtheplaneandit'sbackingupfromthejetway.Iseeherstandingtherewithhercell

phonetoherear,lookingoutthewindow.IseeNicontheplane.Iseehimasheis—frail,opaque,ill—mybelovedson,mybeautifulboy.

"Everything,"Isaytohim.

"Everything."

Fortunatelythereisabeautifulboy.

Unfortunatelyhehasaterribledisease.

Fortunatelythereisloveandjoy.

Unfortunatelythereispainandmisery.

Fortunatelythestoryisnotover.

Thejetpullsawayfromthegate.

Ihangupthephone.

***

Iseeasmalllilacboxwithtulipspaintedonthetopandsides.Amusicbox.Daisy's.Iopenitandaballerinaspringsupright.Shedances.Iinspecttheinsideofthebox.Ithassmallcompartments,allempty.

LikeajumboassortmentofSee'scandy,theboxhashiddenlayers.Icarefullyremovethetopmostfelttray.Underit,setonblackfeltlikeanartifactinamuseum,isaplasticsyringe.Iholdthesyringeupandturnitoverinmyhand,examiningit,andthenputitaside.Ipullupthenextfeltlayerandsee,inoneofthesmallcompartments,tinypackagesthesizeofsmallstones,eachonewrappedinKleenex.I

pickoneupandexamineit,unwrapitslowly.ItisNic'stooth.Thereisbloodontheroot.Ipickupthenextsmallpackageandunwrapit.Anothertooth.

Iwakeup.

Igointothekitchen,whereBrutusisflatonthefloor,hishindlegssplayedout.Hecannotmove.Karenplacesatowelunderhisbellyand,usingitasasling,slowlyliftshim,helpingBrutusstand.Hisfrailhindlegstremble,butheisabletomoveforward.

Thevetprescribesanewmedicine.Wecannotcontemplateputtinghimtosleep.NotBrutus.Idon'tthinkDaisy,whoeveryeveningbeforebedwrapsherselfaroundhim,couldtakeit.Idon'tthinkKarencould.OrJasper,whoforhoursadaywouldsitinachairinthegardenandthrowatennisballforBrutus,whowouldretrieveit,returntoJas,andspititoutontohislap.Noneofuscould.Ifwehaveto,wewill.This,too.

Afterschool,Karen,Jasper,Daisy,andIentertheofficeofthefamilytherapist.Wefeelenormoustrepidation.Thekidssithunchedonaleathercouch.Theysquirmintheirseats,almostcrawlingintotheirsweatshirtsliketurtlesretractingintotheirshells.

Thetherapistisayoungmanwithatrimmedbeardanddarkeyes.Hespeaksinasoft,reassuringvoice."YourmomanddadandImet,"hesaystothekids."Theytoldmealittleaboutwhat'sgoingoninyourfamily.Theytoldmeaboutyourbrother,Nic,andabouthisaddiction.Itsoundsasifyouhavehadahardtime."

JasperandDaisystareathim,intentlylistening.

"It'sveryscarytohaveabrotherwhousesdrugs,"thetherapist

continues."Foralotofreasons.Oneofthemisthatyoudon'tknowwhatwillhappen.Iknowyou'reveryworriedabouthim.Doyouunderstandwhereheisnow?"

"He'sinrehab,"Jaspersays.

"Doyouknowwhatthatmeans?"

Thetherapistexplainsandthentellsthekidsaboutotherchildrenlikethemwhoareinthissituation—abouthowharditis."It'snormaltofeelconfusedifyouhaveabrotherwhoyouloveandwhoyoumaybeafraidof,too."

Thekidseyehimsharply.

Thedoctorleansforwardandrestshiselbowsonhisknees.HelookscloselyatJasperandDaisy."I'mgoingtotellyouawordyoumaynothaveeverheardbefore,"hesays."Thewordisambivalence.Itmeansthatit'spossibletofeeltwothingsatonce.Itmeans...Itmeansthatyoucanlovesomeoneandhatethematthesametime—ormaybehatewhatthey'redoingtoyourfamily—andtothemselves.Itmeansthatyoucanwanttoseethemverybadlyandatthesametimebeveryafraidofthem."

Thekidslookuncomfortable,butlessso.ThenJasperspeaks."EverybodyisworriedaboutNic."Helooksoveratme.

"You'relookingatyourdad,"thetherapistsays."DoesheworryaboutNic?"

Jaspernods.

"Doyouworryaboutyourdad?Especiallyafterthehospital?They

toldmeaboutthat,too."

Jasperlooksdownandoffersabarelyobservablenod.

Inhisofficeonthiswintryevening,thechildren'sinitialhesitationisreplacedbywhatfeelstoKarenandmelikeacautioussenseofrelief.Themorewetalk,thetallertheysituponthecouch.Wetalkaboutthingsthatareundeniableandyethaveneverbeenadequatelyacknowledged.

ThetherapistsaysthateventhoughNicissafeforthemomentinrehab,it'sprobablyscarytothinkaboutthefuture.Plus,justbecauseheissafedoesn'tmeanthateverythingisfine.

"AfterNic'sthefts,wheneversomethingismissing,IgointoastateofpanicthinkingNichasbeeninourhouseagain,"Karensays.

"Panicistheexactrightword,"respondsthetherapist."Youreturntothestatewhenyoufeltunderattack."

Wedescribethestackofourfriend'snewspapersbythefireplace.KarenandIboththoughttheywerepapersthatNicwouldhavebroughtintothehouse.Beforewediscussedit,wewentintoastateofhighalert.Ididn'twanttoworryher.Shedidn'twanttoupsetme.Butbothofusthought:Nicwashere.Willhebreakinagain?Itturnedoutfine,butittookatoll.

Thedoctorexplainshowtriggerslikethenewspaperscanreturnustoastateofpanic.Hethenasksaboutothertriggers,anditdawnsonme.Ofcourse.

"Ithinkithappenswhenthephonerings,"Isay.

"Thephone?"

Thekidsarestaring.

"Thephone,whenitrings,bringsonthesamestateofpanic.Iamalwaysworriedthatthereisnewsofanothercrisis.Orit'sNic,andIdon'tknowifhewillbesaneorhigh.Oritwon'tbehim,andI'llbedisappointed.Mybodytensesup.Oftentimesduringmealsorwhenwe'rehangingaroundintheevening,Iletthephoneringuntiltheansweringservicepicksitup,becauseIdon'twanttodealwithwhatevermightbecoming.Ithinkthateveryonefeelstension.JasperalwaysaskswhyIdon'tanswerthephone.Ithinkitmakeshimnervous."

Jasperisnodding.

Thedoctorsays,"Andsoit'snotonlysomethingrareandrandomthatcomesintoyourhouse,likethestackofnewspapers.Thephonemustringallthetime.Youmustallbeinafairlyconstantstateofworryandtension.Thatmustn'tfeelverygood."Heturnstothekids."Doesthatsoundaccurate?"

Theybothnodvigorously.

Itseemstobeaprofoundacknowledgment.Tome,thedoctorsays,"Maybeyoucanshutofftheringerforperiodsoftime.Youcanalwayscallpeopleback."Hethensays:"AndnowthatNicisinrehab,maybeitwouldbeusefultoyouandtoNictoestablishatime—whenever,onceaweekormore—whenyouwillspeakonthephone.Thenyouwillknow.Establishingborderslikethatcanhelpyouboth.Youbothwillbefreedfromacontinualstateofanxietythatheshouldorhasorhasn'tcalledyou.Itmayhelpallofyou.Yourfamilywillknowwhenit'stimeforyouandNictotalk,andthentheycanbe

assuredhe'sallright,butitwon'tfeellikeaconstantthreat."

Irespond,"That'sagoodidea,"butthenIadmit,"Myheartispounding.Theideaofshuttingdowncommunicationisterrifying."

"You'renotshuttingitdown,you'remakingitsaferforeveryone."

Weleavethesession,descendtheflightofconcretestairsfromthenondescriptbuilding,andthechildrenseemtohavebeenunbound.Theircheeksareflushedandtheireyessparkle.

"Whatdidyouthink?"Karenasksthem.

Daisysays,"Itwas—"

Jasperfinishes."Amazing."

"Itwas,"Daisysays.

Ibegintomonitormytelephoneuse,shuttingofftheringerintheeveningsandonweekends.ImakeaplantospeaktoNiconceaweek.Smallthings.Theyseemenormous.

IthasbeenthreeweekssinceNichasbeenbackinrehab.Hesoundsunwell.Asheexplains,theinitialweeksofhistreatmenthavebeendevotedtostabilizinghim.Theweek-longdetoxinthevalleywasn'tenoughtoclearhisbodyofallthedrugs.Evennow,afterthreeweeks,heremainsinacutementalandphysicalpain.Hehashadintermittentconvulsions.Oncehewasrushedtoalocalhospital.Hisbodywrithes,heisdesolate,andhecan'tsleep.Thepaingoesonandon—proof,asifIneedmore,ofthedeathlygripofthedrugsonhisbody.

NiccallsonSunday.Hesoundscoldandangry,blamingmeforwhereheis.Heasksforaplanetickethome."Thiswasamistake,"hesays."It'sadisaster.It'sawaste."

"Youhavetogiveittime."

"Willyouorwon'tyousendaplaneticket?"

"Iwon't."

Hehangsuponme.

Hecallsbackthenextdaytosaythatheisfeelingalittlebetter.HesleptsoundlylastnightforthefirsttimesincehearrivedfromLA.Heissorryforyesterday."IstillcannotbelievethatIrelapsed,"hesays."Ican'tbelieveIdidwhatIdid."Hetellsmehefeelsguiltieraboutitthanhecansay.

"I'mafraidtosayanythingatallbecauseIdon'tknowwhatwillhappen.Idon'twanttoopenyouandKarenandthekidsupandthendisappointyouagain."

Hetellsmealittleaboutthetreatmentprogram'sapproach,differentfromtheotherrehabs."Inmyfirstgroup,acounseloraskedmewhyI'mhere.Heasked,'What'syourproblem?'

"Isaid,'I'madrugaddictandalcoholic.'

"Heshookhishead.'No,'hesaid,'that'showyou'vebeentreatingyourproblem.Whatisyourproblem?Whyareyouhere?'"

Fine,Ithink,butIampastbeinghopeful.Idon'tknowifheistoofargone,ifthereistoomuchdamagefromthedrugs.Evenifnot,Iamunabletoallowmyselfhope.

Anotherweek.Another.Christmas.NewYear's.

Anotherweek.Amonth.Nicissafeinrehab,butIremainskeptical.

ItisThursday.IpickJasperupfromafter-schoolWorldBeatBandpractice,whereIsitinandlistenfromtheuppercornerofthetheaterwhiletheyplay.Jasperplayscongasfor"OyeComoVa."Aneighth-gradeboywailsonguitarlikeCarlosSantana.

Idrivehimhomeandsaygoodbyetohim,Daisy,andKaren.Theyaregoingtotheircousin'seleventhbirthdayparty.Ithrowmysuitcaseinthecaranddriveinheavyrush-hourtraffictotheOaklandairport,whereIcheckinandeataquickdinner.

IboardapackedSouthwestflight.WhenIarriveinAlbuquerque,Iwalkpastthegatesthroughtheairport.Ihaveavividimage,Nic'sarrivalhereeightorsoweeksago,afterhismotherwatchedtheplanetakeoffinLA.Iseetheterminalthroughhiseyes:Southwestart,Indianrugs,theENTERINGO'KEEFFECOUNTRYsign.InmymindheglancesupatThunderbirdCurioandHaciendaNewMexicancuisine.Ithink,Nicwouldhavebeendisdainfulofbeinghereinthisthemedterminalifhewereinshapetobedisdainfulofanything.

Outside,IimaginethedriverfromtheLifeHealingCenterwaitingforNicwithasignthatsaysNICSHEFF,buttherewouldhavebeenlittledoubtwhoNicwas,theyoungmanofftheLAflight,wearinginhiscolorlessfaceanddulleyesandlistlessbodyhismonths-longbingeandtheweekoftorturousdetoxfromadozendrugs.

Irentacar.Itissupposedtobeanonsmokingcarbutitsmellslikecigarettes.Drivingonawidehighway,Iturnontheradio,andthefirstthingIhearistheopeningriffof"GimmeShelter."

Idriveforanhourandfindmymotelandcheckin.Itrytosleep.IwouldbemoreateaseifIwerehereforaconventionofdentalstudentspracticingtheirfirstrootcanalsonme.

Swimmingmightcalmmedown.IleavetheroomanddrivearounduntilIfindamallwhereIbuyabathingsuit.ThenIreturntothemotelandfindthepoolclosed,yellowtapesurroundingitasifitwereacrimescene.

InmyroomIpickuptheTheNewYorkerandreadthefictionandHertzbergandAnthonyLane.IwonderiftherearecopiesofTheNewYorkeratNic'srehab?FinallyIfallasleepforawhile,wakeupateight,andgetready.

IhavenotseenNicsinceJune,rightaftertheICU.Ihardlyrememberhisvisit,onlytheensuingbarrage.Theslurredvoice,telephonecalls,lies,terror,hismother'svisittohisapartment,theemailfrom—ostensiblyfromJoshuaTree,but,asIlearned,fromOakland.

WhyamIhere?Aweekendcannotundotheseyearsofhell,andaweekendcannotturnNic'slifearound.NothingI'vedonemadeadifference.WhyamIhere?

Thetherapistsinhisprogramcounseledhimtoaskhismotherandmetocome.Ifwe'retryingthisonelasttime,tryingonelasttimetogivehimanotherchance,Iwilldowhattheytellme.Iknowthatnothingwillhelp,probablynothingwillhelp,butIwilldomypart.Frankly,andtobecompletelyhonest—don'ttellanyone,don'ttell

him—Iamalsoheretoseehim.Ihavebeenafraid,butacautiousandwell-guardedplaceinsidememisseshimlikecrazy,missesmyson.

Themorningblueskyismarredonlybyasmokelinefromajet.

Idrivethroughthetown,followingthedirectionsthatarrivedinthemailfromthetreatmentcenter.Iturndownadirtroadlinedwithsagebrushandscrawnypines.It'slikeasceneinanoldwestern.Theplacelooksasifitoncewasaranch.Therearebunk-housesandachowhallandaramshacklemainhouseandoutbuildingssidedwithsplitlogs.Alineoflogcabinsonaridgethatlooksontothehighdesert.Theplaceisrusticandmodest,unlikeCountOhlhoff'soldVictorianmansionortheausteremodernhospitalinthewinecountryorthestatelybrownstoneonStuyvesantSquareinManhattanorJace'sLAMelrosePlace.

IfilloutformsinasmallofficeandthenwaitoutsideforNic.Itiscold,butIhaveathickcoat.

There.Nic.

Deepbreath.

Standingunderasaggingawningonalowporchofarundowncabin,Nic.

Nicinanarmyjacketandapurplepaisleyscarf.

NicinafadedT-shirtandcordswithtinyleatherpatchesandblackleathersneakers.

Hisgoldandbrownhairiscurlyandlong.Hepushesitoutofhiseyes.

Nicwalksdownthericketystepstowardme.Hisface:thinandangular.Hiseyesflashatmewith—?

"Hey,Dad."

IfIadmithowgooditistoseehim,Imaybeaccusedofforgettingthefuryandterror,butitisgoodtoseehim.Iamscaredtodeath.

Hewalksover.Reachesouthisarms.Ismellhissmokinessandembracehim.

WhilewewaitforVicki,wemakesmalltalk.ThenNiclooksshylyupatmeandsays,"Thanksforcoming.Ididn'tknowifyouwould."

Iwalkwithhimuptoanoutsidesmokingareaunderawoodroofwithafewweatheredchairsandafirepit.

I'mafraidandIdon'twanttowanttoseehimandIdon'twanttobehappytoseehim.

Wemeetsomeofhisfriends.There'sagirlwithpiercedearsandinch-shortbleachedhairandaboywithnohairandaboywithcurlyblackhair.Amanwholooksasifhespenthislifeinthesuncomesoverandshakesmyhand.Hisskinisrough,brownwrinkledleather.HeshakesmyhandandtellsmewhatagreatsonIhave.

Nicsmokes.Wesitnearthefirepitandhesaysthatthingsarechanging.

"Iknowyou'vehearditbefore,butthisisdifferent."

"TheproblemisthatIhaveheardthatbefore,too."

"Iknow."

Wegoinsidetomeetwithhischieftherapistandwaitthereforhismother,whosoonjoinsus.Vicki'swearingabeigejacket,herhairlongandstraight.Iglanceoverather.Itisdifficulttolookherintheeyesevenafteralltheseyears.Ifeelguilty.Iwasachild—exactlytwenty-two,ayearyoungerthanNicisnow—whenwemet.Icantrytoforgivemyself,whetherornotsheforgivesme,becauseIwasachild,butsomethingsyoujustlivewithbecauseyoucannotgobackward.IhavebeennervoustoseeNic,butIwasalsonervousaboutseeingVicki.Wemayhavebecomecloseroverthesepastfewyears,wehave,butthoughwetalkonthephoneandconsoleeachotherandsupporteachotheranddebateinterventionsandworryaboutthelackofgoodinsurance(sheisworkingnowtogethimbackonherpolicy),wehavenotbeeninthesameroomformorethanafewminutessinceourdivorcetwentyyearsago.Cometothinkofit,lastweekwasourweddinganniversary,orwouldhavebeen.ThelasttimeweweretogetherformorethanfiveminuteswasNic'shighschoolgraduation,whenVickiandIsatnexttoeachotherandJaspersatonmyotherside.Afterward,Jaswhispered,"Vickiseemsnice."

ThetherapistsaysthatinherviewNicisdoingwell,iswhereheshouldbeconsideringeverything,asksustonoticehowthingscompareandcontrastwithhisprevioustimesinrehab.Sheasksusalltothinkaboutwhatwewouldliketogetoutofthisweekend.Shewishesusluck.

Nic,Vicki,andIhavelunch.There'saspreadoffood.Tamales,salad,fruit.Niceatsabowlofcereal.

Afterlunchheleadsustoanotherbuilding,intoaroomwithtwowood-paneledwallsandtwowhitewallscoveredinpatients'artwork.Thefloortilesareoff-white,someofthembuckling.Itsmellsof

coffeethathasbeensittingallmorningonaburner.

Acircleofchairswaitsforus.

IlookoveratVicki.Shehasbeenajournalistformorethantwentyyears,butwhenwemetshewasworkinginadentalofficeinSanFrancisco.TheofficewasbelowthenorthernCaliforniaheadquartersofthenewlyfoundedNewWest,whereIwasanassistanteditor,myfirstjobaftercollege.ItwasanofficedevotedtoNewAgedentistrydesignedforpleasure,notpain,anairyplacewithavaultedceilingsupportedbyexposedrough-hewnwoodbeams.Italianlightsdangledfromcrisscrossingwires;therewasajungleofhangingpottedferns.Music—Vivaldi,WindhamHill—waspipedinthroughpatients'headphones,nitrousoxidethroughtheirmasks.VickiworeawhitesmockoveraLauraAshleyprintdress.Shehaddawn-blueeyesandBreck-girlhair.ShewasarecentarrivalfromMemphis,whereshehadanunclewhowasadentist,whichsomehowqualifiedherforherjobasadentalassistant.Ittookherfourtriesbeforeshegotmyx-raysright,butIthought,Blastaway,because,onnitrouswithherlevitatingbeforemyeyes,Iwascontent.Wemarriedthefollowingyear.Iwastwenty-three—exactlyNic'sagenow.Thechecktothepastoroftheprettywhitechurchbounced.NoonebuttwofriendswerethereinHalfMoonBay.Wehavenotseenthosefriendssince.Iwastwenty-three,andthreeweeksagoIturnedfifty.Myhairisnolongergray,itiswhite.It'sgettinglikemyfather'scotton-whitehair.

Thechairsarefilled.Ilookaroundthecircle.Thepatientsandtheirparentsandone'sbrother.Herewegoagain.

Twotherapistsleadus.Onehasdarkhair,oneislightblond,bothwearscarves,andbothhaveeyesthatarekindandintense.Theytaketurnsspeaking.Theysetforthgroundrulesandexpectations.

Ithink,Thisisbullshit.Ihavebeenhereanddonethisanditdidnogoodwhatsoever.

Firstthereisaquestionnairetofillout.Eachofus.Isettowork.Afterahalf-hourorso,wetaketurnsreadingouranswers.Onemother,respondingtothequestion"Whatareyourfamily'sproblems?"reads,"Ididn'tthinkwehadanyproblems,butIguessifwedidn'twewouldn'tbehere.Ithoughtwehadagoodfamily."Shebeginscrying.Herdaughterputsahandonhermom'sknee."Wedohaveagoodfamily."OnceagainI'mbackinaroomwithpeoplelikeme,peoplehurtbyaddictionanduncomprehending—baffledandguiltyandangryandoverwhelmedandterrified.

Nextisarttherapy.

Arttherapy!

Ihavebeenthroughtoomuchtobesittingonthefloorfinger-paintingwithNicandmyex-wife.Iamraginginside.WhydidIcome?WhyamIhere?

Wearegivenapieceofpaperdivided,forourfamily,intothreewedges.Nic,Vicki,andIsitontheflooraroundthepaperinatriangle.Atriangle.

Asinstructed,Istartdrawing.Ichoosechalk.Ijuststartpushingthechalkaroundonthepaper.

Theheateristurneduptoohigh.Thereisnotenoughair.

Vicki,usingwatercolors,paintsaprettyscenelikeabeachorwhateveritis.Iamstillraging.Sheisdrawingasunset.Brightandlightblueandswirls.Sheisdrawingaprettypicture,asifwewere

heretogetheratfamilyartdayatNic'spreschoolwithablueskyandagreengrassyfield.ButthenIlookoveratNic'sthirdofthepaper.Usingink,hedrawsaheart.Notavalentineheart,notCupid'sheart,butaheartwithmuscleandtissueandventriclesconnectingtoanaorta,apumpingheartinsideabody.Hisbody.Attachedtotheaorta,aface,andthenmorefacesatdifferentangleswithexpressionsoffuryanddesolationandhorrorandfacesinpain.Idrawwithmychalk.Ihavemadesomekindofthicklinecomingupfromthebottomofthepaper,somerivercomingup,butthenitsplitsopenandflowsintothetwotopcornersofthepage.Ipushsohardthatthechalkdisintegratesintopowder.

What'sthepoint,it'sawasteoftime.NowVickihas—hereitcomes,darkwateryblackisonherbrushnowandtheprettylightblueskyisgone,coveredwiththewateryswashesofblackandsweeping,pouringbrushstrokes.Nicbeginswritinghard,aword,I,twowords,am,threewords,sorry,writesthemagain,writesthemagain,writesthemagain,writesthemagain.Hecannot,itseems,stopwritingthem.Itisbullshit,acheapattemptat—itisnotbullshit,heistryingwithexcruciatingdesperation,whichIcanfeelcomingfromhim,tosaysomething,togetoutsomethingthathecannotgetout.

It'seasytoforgetthatnomatterhowharditisforus,itisharderforhim.

Mydrawing—nowtherearedrops,tears,fromthetwobranchesofthetributaryandsixcirclesaboveit.ThenIknow—Ihavedrawntheopeningupofmybrainandallthatisinthere—tearspainbloodrageterror.Thebrokensuitcasewiththecircles,itscontents—me,formerme—spillingout.

Hismotherhasdrawnasmallredsmearinthecenterandthereisadripfromit—bloodthere,too.

NiciswritingIamsorry,andIwanttocry.No,Ithink,don'tlethiminagain.Nodon'tlethiminagain.Nodon'tlethiminagain.

Wetaketurns,familybyfamily,describingwhat'sonthepagesandwhatitfeltlikeworkingnexttooneanother.Vicki'sredisn'tblood,it'saredballoonthatshewantstoholdonto,totakeherawayfromtheblackstorm.Niclooksatherandsayshowremarkableitisthatsheishere.Ilookupatherandheresheis.IlookatNic.HereisNicwithhisparents.Ifeelsadness,overwhelmingsadness,thatshehasgonethroughsomuch,andmostlysadnessthatNichasgonethroughsomuch,andthenme,us,andIammortifiedtofeelsadness,mortifiedtofeel...Oh,Nic,Iamsorry,too,sososorry.

Nicsaysthattheworkhe'sdoinghereisn'taboutfindingexcusesforhisdebaucheryorhiscrazinessanditisn'taboutblaminganyone.Itisabouthealing.Histherapistshavetoldhimthathehastoworkthroughwhateveritisthatcauseshimtoharmhimself,toputhimselfindanger,toturnfromthosefriendswholovehim,tolashoutathisparentsandotherswholovehim,tolashoutathimself,mostlyathimself,totrytodestroyhimself.Heisanaddict,butwhy?Besidestheluckofthegene-pooldraw,whatisit?Theywanthimtofaceitallsohecanhealandmoveforward.

Peopleintheotherfamilygroupstalkabouttheirpictures,whattheyevoke,whatworkingonthemwaslike.Thenwecommentononeanother's.Onegirl,Nic'sfriend,sayshowdifferenttheimagesareinourfamily'spicturesandhowintenseeachoneis,butshesaysthatNic'sheartleadsintoventriclesandmystreamofchalklookslikeabrokenartery.

SomehowIamcrying.Nic'shandisonmyshoulder.

Whenweemergebeforesunset,animperiousmoonhoversoverthemountain.IlookatitandunderstandthatIhavenotheldouthopeforthisnewprogram,notbecauseIdon'thopethatitworksandnotbecauseitcannotwork,butbecauseIamterrifiedtomycoretohopeagain.

IgotoabookstoreandbuyZadieSmith'snovelWhiteTeeth.Iwanttoescapefortonight,andIwanttohideinsomeoneelse'sstory.Backinmymotelroom,thefirstthingIopentoistheepigraphfromWhereAngelsFeartoTreadbyE.M.Forster.Ireaditandreaditagain."Everylittletrifle,forsomereason,doesseemincalculablyimportantandwhenyousayofathingthat'nothinghangsonit'itsoundslikeblasphemy.There'sneveranyknowing—howamItoputit—whichofouractions,whichofouridlenesseswon'thavethingshangingonitforever."Iamalmostshaking.Ithink,Howinnocentweareofourmistakesandhowresponsibleweareforthem.

Thisisabouthealing,notblaming.Isitpossibletogetbeyondblaming?AtonepointVickisaysthatsheusedtocarryaroundsomuchangertowardmethatitwasasifshehadonabackpackfilledwithbricks."It'ssuchareliefnottobecarryingthemaroundanymore,"shesays.Aftersomeofhercommentsinournextgroupsession,Itellher,"Maybetherearestillafewbricksinthere."Sheacknowledges,"Yes,maybethereare."Butwearenowunitedinoneofthemostprimalofhumanbehaviors,tryingtosaveourchild.Thetherapistsaysthattheweekendisnotaboutblaming,butaboutmovingbeyondlingeringresentment.Afatherheresays,"Resentmentisliketakingpoisonandwaitingfortheotherpersontodie."

Inthemorning,Iagaindriveuptothetreatmentcenter.There'sNicinaNewYorkArtAcademyT-shirt,bell-bottomjeanswithfrayedcuffs,andamulticoloredcoat.Hewearsaknitcaplowoverhiseyes.Wedrinkcoffee.

Thefamilieshaveacollectivegrouptherapysession.It'sanappallinglyvulnerableposition—grouptherapywithanaudience.ButIadmitthatit'sarelieftosaywhat'sonmymind.WhenNicspeaks,Ifeelarangeofemotions—anxiety,fear,exasperation,anger,sorrow,remorse—andthereareburstsofprideanddangerousflashesofmemoryofwhatwehavehad,andoflove.IwanttoopenupandhearNicandbelievehim,butIamunwillingtoteardownthefragiledamthatIhaveconstructedtoprotectmyself.IamafraidI'llbedrowned.

Parentsaresuckers.Iamasuckertocontemplateopeningtotheideaofhealing.Andyet...SuddenlyIrecallwhenIprayedforNic.Ineverplannedtopray.IjustlookedbackandrealizedIhadbeenpraying.WhatdidIprayfor?IneversaidStoptakingdrugs.IneversaidStayawayfrommeth.Isaid,PleaseGodhealNic.Iprayed,PleaseGodhealNic.PleaseGodhealeveryravagedpersoninthisroom,thedearravagedpeopleonthisplanet,thesedear,woundedpeople.Ilookaroundatthem.Theyarebrave.Theyarehere.Howevertheygothere,theyarehere.Theyarehereandsothereisachance.

Atthefinalsessionofthelastday,weareinstructedtothinkaboutthefuture.Thefuture.It'sfraughtwithdanger.Wemapitout.Literally.Ourleadersgiveeachfamilylargesheetsofpaperwithashapedrawninthebottomleft-handcornerrepresentingonepieceofland—whereweare—andashapeinthetoprightcornerrepresenting

ourdestination.Betweenthemaresmallcircles,stepping-stones.

Theinstructions.Indicatewhereyouaretoday.Andwhereyouwanttogo.Indicatethesteps—concretesteps—youcantaketogetthere.Thinkaboutthenextfewmonths,nottherestofyourlives.Wheredoyouwanttogo,andwhatstepswillyoutaketogetthere."Andoh,"thetherapistsays,"therestoftheareaofthepaperisaswamp.Togetacrossitfromwhereyouarenowtowhereyouwanttogo,usingthesteppingstones,youmustavoidtheperilsintheswamp.Indicatethepitfallslurkingthere,waitingforyou."

Nic,usingathickredmarker,hasnotroubleidentifyingtheperils.Therearesomany—alltheoldmistakes,habits,thetemptationsofdrugs.Hedrawsahypodermicneedle.Thereissomuchredthatitisalmostimpossibletofindroomtowriteonthesmallcircles,thesteppingstones.Thestoneslooksosmall,sounsteady,incomparison.Butonthem,Nicwritesourfamily'splanandhisplan.Howwewillgoslow,takingsmallstepsforward.Howwewillsupport,notimpedeoneanother.Nic'ssteppingstonesincludeAAandotherconscientiousworkthatwill,hehopes,repairhisrelationships.HementionsKarenandlooksupatme."IreallyloveKaren,"hesays."Wearefriends—Imissher."WithJasperandDaisy."Iknowitwilltakealongtime,"hesays.There'salottowrite.Whenthemapiscomplete,itisclearthathismother'sandmytasksarenotinconsiderable—tostepback,besupportive,butletNic'srecoverybehisrecoveryasweworkoncreatinghealthy,asNicdescribesthem,lovingandsupportive,butindependent,relationships.ButmostofthehardestworkfallsonNic'sshoulders,becausetheperilsarewaitingforhim,enticinghimtofail.Theperilsinslashingredmarksareperniciousandubiquitousandsinister.Itisaswamp,anditwilltakeamiracleforNictonavigateit.JustasIthinkthat,IlookoveratNic'smotherandIlookatNic.Wethreeareheretogether,andIthink,Thisisamiracle.Isittoomuchtohopeforothers?

Iflyhome.Ifeelasifsomeonehassawedthroughmychestandmadeaseriesofcutsfrommyclavicletoeachshoulderblade,thenbackatthecenter,cutsouthwardthroughthemiddleofmychestandstomachtojustabovemygroin,andthenmorehorizontalcutsfromthetipofonepelvicbonetotheother.Then,withplastic-glovedhands,hereachedintotheflapsoffleshandpulledthembackononesideandthentheother,tearingthesinewsandmuscleandskinsothatIamherewithmygutsexposed.

Thefeelingdoesnotabate.IamhomeagainandKarenisoffwithDaisyattheorthodontist,whichleavesmealonewithJasper,whoisplayingguitar—whathetermsthe"pluckage"forasongheisrecordingonGarageBand.Headdsdrums,otherpercussion,andsynthesizer.Nextherecordshisvoice,improvisingfunnylyrics.Forthechorus,herepeatstheworddoughnutsasifitisthedénouementinthelibrettoofanopera.Whentheraucouscompositioniscomplete,heburnsitontoaCD.

It'stimetoferryhimtolacrosse.Driving,welistentohismusicandthentotheWhiteStripes.Whenwegettothefield,heleapsoutofthecar,throwsonhisuniform,andrunstohisfriends.

Istandonthesidelines.Theboysintheirgladiatorgearbreathevaporlikedragonsbecauseofthechill.Theyraceafterthesmallwhiteball,scoopingitupintothemeshpocketsattheendoftheirsticks,hurlingitforwardtooneanotheronthefield.

Mycellphoneisinmypocket,butitisoff,astateformerlyunthinkable.Asthefamilytherapistnoted,thephoneconnectedmeto

Nic,andeachshrillringprovidedajolttomyheartlikeadefibrillator.Apparentlyitjoltedeachofourhearts.EverycallfedmygrowingobsessionwiththepromiseofreassurancethatNicwasallrightorconfirmationthathewasnot.MyaddictiontohisaddictionhasnotservedNicormeoranyonearoundme.Nic'saddictionbecamefarmorecompellingthantherestofmylife.Howcouldachild'slife-or-deathstrugglenot?NowIaminmyownprogramtorecoverfrommyaddictiontohis.Thedeepworkoccursintherapy,butItakepracticalsteps,too.Liketurningoffmycellphone.

Afterpractice,JasperandIgotoasportinggoodsstore.Hehasgrownoutofhiscleatsandneedsnewones.Tohelppayforthem,heusesagiftcardleftoverfromChristmas.Standingbythecashier,whenheretrievesthecardfromhiswallet,apieceofpaperfallstothefloor.

"What'sthat?"IaskJasper,ashebendsovertopickitup.

"TheletterNicwroteme."

Hequicklyfoldsitbackupandputsitintohiswallet.

Nowthechildrenareasleep.KarenandIareinbedreading.Brutusisrunninginhissleep.Iputdownmybookandliehere,tryingtocomprehendexactlywhatitisthatI'mfeeling.Parentsofaddictslearntotemperourhopeevenaswenevercompletelylosehope.However,weareterrifiedofoptimism,fearfulthatitwillbepunished.Itissafertoshutdown.ButIamopenagain,andasaconsequenceIfeelthepainandjoyofthepastandworryaboutandhopeforthefuture.IknowwhatitisIfeel.Everything.

EpilogueOh,what'llyoudonow,myblue-eyedson?Oh,what'llyoudonow,mydarlingyoungone?

—BOBDYLAN,"AHardRain'sA-GonnaFall"

HaJinwrites:"Somegreatmenandwomenarefortifiedandredeemedthroughtheirsuffering,andtheyevenseeksadnessinsteadofhappiness,justasvanGoghasserted,'Sorrowisbetterthanjoy,'andBalzacdeclared,'Sufferingisone'steacher.'Butthesedictaaresuitableonlyforextraordinarysouls,fortheselectfew.Forordinarypeoplelikeus,toomuchsufferingcanonlymakeusmeaner,crazier,pettier,andmorewretched."

Iamnogreatman,butIdonotfeelmeaner,crazier,pettier,ormorewretched.TherewereperiodswhenIdid,butnowIfeelfine,atleastmuchofthetime.

NiccompletedthreemonthsatSantaFe,andhiscounselorsrecommendedthathenextgotoaprograminnorthernArizonawherehewouldcontinuehisworkinrecovery,plusgetajobandvolunteer.Hesaidno.Hetoldme:"Iknowthiswillworryyou,butIhavetogetonwithmylife."Hetriedtoreassureme."Itwillbeallright."

AtfirstIsaid,"No,youcan't,"butthenIremembered:It'syourlife.

Niccaughtabuseast.Hewenttoseeafriendhemetattheprogram.Wedidn'tspeakforawhile,butthenwebegantalkingagain.Nowwecheckinwitheachotherfairlyregularly.Hemetsomeonenew.She'sanartstudent.Theygotaplacetogether.Nicis

workingatacafé,servingdecaf(hesays)whenacustomerasksforit.Andhe'swritingagain.He'sbackwritinghisbook.Nowhehasmoretosayabouthowharditistostaysober.

Wetalkaboutourwriting.Wetalkaboutourlivesandthenewsandbooksweread,musicandmovies(LittleMissSunshine!).

Icalculatethatithasbeen—what,ayearsinceheleftLA.AsfarasIknow,he'sayearsoberagain.Aftereverything,doItrustthathehasremainedsober?DoIdenywhatwehavebeenthrough?DoIignorehowdifficultitisandwillcontinuetobe?Never.ButIhope.Icontinuetobelieveinhim.

Intheimmediateaftermathofmybrainhemorrhage,IcomplainedthatIhadmissedoutonwhatIimaginedmightbeabenefitofsurvivinganear-deathexperience—thatis,beyondtheultimateperk:stillbeingalive.AsIsaid,Ihaveoftenheardandreadsurvivorsdescribetheepiphaniesthatcamefromtragedy.Theirlivestransformed,becamesimpler,withclearerpriorities.Theyhadanewappreciationforlife.ButasIalsosaid,Ialwaysappreciatedlife.Instead,forme,thebrainhemorrhagemadelifeseemscarier.Ilearnedthattragedycouldhitanyofus—orourchildren—atanymomentandwithoutwarning.

Iwasjudgingtooearly.Thingshaveshiftedsincethen.Justastherearestagesofgrievingordying,theremustbestagesafteratrauma,becausethelessonsoftheneuroICUsankinovertime.

IturnedfiftyinDecember.Atthetime,Iwasspeakingtoatherapistaboutthepastfewyears.WhenItoldhimthatthe

neurologistshadalldismissedtheideathatmybrainhemorrhagewasrelatedtothestressinmylife,helookedatmeindulgentlyandsaid,"Well,itsuredidn'thelp."Hepointedoutthatbeforemyheadliterallyexploded,itoftenfeltasifitcouldexplode.Foryears,IhadlivedwithintenseandrelentlessworryaboutNic.Ihadrationalizedit:noconscientiousparentofadrugaddictcouldexpecttobehappyforlong.Iwasgratefulforthemomentsofrelief—whenNicseemedbetter,atleastwhenhewasOK.Inthemeantime,Ididmybesttoenjoymylife—Karen,Jasper,Daisy,andtherestofmyfamilyandfriends,therespites,howeverexiguousandshort-lived.

ThedoctorpointedoutthatIcouldmakeadifferentchoice.WithoutinvokingAAorAl-Anon,hebasicallyrestatedtheSerenityPrayer.IcoulddecideonceandforalltoacceptthethingsIcannotchange,havethecouragetochangethethingsIcan,andthewisdomtoknowthedifference.Thekeywasthesecondofthose.DidIhavethecouragetochangethethingsIcould?

"I'vetried,"Isaid."Ihavetriedforyears."

"Apparentlyyouhaven'ttriedhardenough."

ThedoctoraskedwhyIwasintherapyonlyonceaweek.IsaidthatIdidn'thavethetimeormoneyformore.

Ofthefinancialexcuse,heresponded,"If,duringthesepastfewyears,someonetoldyouthatNicneededmoretherapyinordertogetwell,wouldyouhavefoundawaytopayforit?"

Iansweredhonestly:"Yes."

"Ishismentalhealthmoreimportantthanyours?"

Igotthepoint.

Astothequestionoftimefortherapy,heasked,"Howmuchtimeisitworthtoendaperson'ssuffering?Howmuchtimedoyouwastesufferingnow?"Then:"Youalmostdied.Youarefiftyyearsold.Howdoyouwanttospendtherestofyourlife?It'suptoyou."

Mybrainhemorrhageultimatelyhasmademeappreciate,ratherthanfear,theprofoundtruthofthiscliché:ourtimehereisfinite.ThisrealizationimpelledmetolistentothedoctoranddowhateverIcouldtogetpastmyobsessiveworryaboutNic.IcouldnotchangeNic,onlyme.AndsoinsteadoffocusingonNic'srecovery,sincethenIhavefocusedonmine.

IattendedAl-Anonmeetings.Ialsohadtwice-weeklytherapysessionsand,forthefirsttimeever,Ilaydownonthedoctor'scouch.Thedifferencehasbeenprofound—likedisassemblingamultilevelLegobuildingwithhiddenroomsandattics,dismantlingitbrickbybrick,examiningeachone—ameticulous,oftenfrighteningprocess.Ilearnedthatatsomepoint,focusingonNic'sperpetualcrisesbecamesaferterritorythanfocusingonmyself.Itwasevensafertohaveanear-fatalbrainhemorrhage.

Asanyoneinintensivetherapyknows,thoughit'snoteasy,therecanbeadeeptransformativebenefittothework.IhavebeenuncoveringlayersofguiltandshamethathelpexplainwhyIwassowillingtotakeontheresponsibilityforNic'saddiction—forhislife,infact.Asaresult,thoseotherclichésofAl-Anonandrecoverynolongerfeellikeclichés.Istilldon'tfullyaccepttheinitialC.Instead,IrecognizethatIwillneverknowhowmuchIcausedorcontributedtoit.RecentlyintheNewYorkTimesMagazine,WilliamC.Moyers,thesonofthejournalistBillMoyersandarecoveringaddict,said,"Recoveryis...aboutdealingwiththatholeinthesoul."Whatmade

thehole?Nooneknows.Howinnocentweareofourmistakes,buthowresponsibleweareforthem.IacceptthatImadeterriblemistakesraisingNic.Idon'tabsolvemyself—evennow.Asyouknow,Nic,Iamsosorry.

IhaveacceptedtheotherCs.IcannotcontrolitandIcannotcureit."Foralltheirtearsandheartacheanddesperatelygoodintentions,mostfamiliesofaddictsaredefeatedintheend,"writesBeverlyConyers."Addictspersistintheirself-destructive,addictivebehavioruntilsomethingwithinthemselves—somethingquiteapartfromanyoneelse'sefforts—changessoradicallythatthedesireforthehighisdulledandultimatelydeadenedbythedesireforabetterlife."It'sonethingtoreadthis.It'sanothertoevolvetowardatrueacceptanceofit.IamconfidentthatIhavedoneeverythingIcoulddotohelpNic.Nowit'suptohim.IacceptthatIhavetolethimgoandhewillorwillnotfigurethingsout.IimaginethatNic,too,mayberelievedthatIhavestoppedtryingtotakeonhisrecovery.Itsetsthestageforadifferentkindofrelationshipforus—liketheoneheenvisionedinSantaFe.Ratherthanco-dependentandenabling,withmetryingtocontrolhim—eveniftosavehim—ourrelationshipcanevolveintooneofindependence,acceptance,andcompassion,withhealthyboundaries.Theloveisagiven.

Thebrainhemorrhagehelpedmeunderstandthedistinction.ItwassomethingthatIknewintellectually,butithassunkinandInowknowitemotionally.Mychildrenwilllivewithorwithoutme.Itisastaggeringrealizationforaparent,butonethatultimatelyfreesustoletourchildrengrowup.

IwishIhadgottenherequicker,butIcouldn't.Ifonlyparentingwereeasier.Itneverwillbe.Ifonlylifewereeasier.Itisn't—noristhatmygoalanylonger.OnceIdesperatelywantedthingstobesimpler,butmyworldviewwasbrokenoverthecourseofNic's

addictionandmystayintheICU.Fromthem,Ilearnedanotherlesson:thatIcanaccept—infactamrelievedtoaccept—aworldofcontradictions,whereineverythingisgrayandalmostnothingisblackandwhite.Thereismuchgood,buttoenjoythebeauty,thelove,onemustbearthepainful.

Therehavebeenpracticallessons,too.Sinceithasgottenaroundthatourfamilyhasgonethroughthis,friends,friendsoffriends,friendsoffriendsoffriends,aswellasstrangers,cometous.Apparentlypeoplestillreadmyarticle,becauseIgetmoreletters.Everyotherpersonseemstobeinthemiddleofsomeversionofthehellofaddiction,theirownortheirchild's,spouse's,sibling's,parent's,orfriend's.Oftentheyaskforadvice.Evennow,myadviceistentative.

Iagreewholeheartedlywiththeforemostrecommendationofeveryrationalantidrugcampaign:talktoyourkidsearlyandoftenaboutdrugs.Otherwise,you'releavingittosomeoneelsetoinstructthem.Shouldyoubeopenandhonestaboutyourexperiencewithdrugs?It'sanindividualdecision,becauseeveryparentandchildisunique.Iwouldbecarefulnevertoglorifydrugoralcoholuseandwouldconsiderchildren'sages,nevergivingmoreinformationthantheycancomprehendatthetime.Butintheend,Idon'tknowifitmattersiforhowmuchyoutellthemaboutyourexperience.Otherthingsmattermuchmore.WheredoIcomedownonthisformyfamily?Ibelievethatkidsdon'tneedto(andshouldn't)knoweverypersonaldetailofourlives,butIwillneverlietomychildren,andIwillanswertheirquestionshonestly.Soonerorlater,JasperandDaisywillreadthisaccount.Itwon'tsurprisethem—theyhavelivedthroughit.WehaveanongoingconversationnotonlyaboutNic,butaboutdrugs,peerpressure,andtheotherissuesintheirlives.They

willknowabouttheirfather'sdrughistory,thetollittook.Theyalreadyknowabouttheirbrother's.

Morethananythingelse,parentswanttoknowatwhatpointachildisnolongerexperimenting,nolongeratypicalteenager,nolongergoingthroughaphaseorariteofpassage.Sinceit'sunanswerable,IhaveconcludedthatIwoulderronthesideofcautionandinterveneearlierratherthanlater—notwaitinguntilachildiswantonlyendangeringhimselforothers.Lookingback,IwishIhadforcedNic—whilehewasyoungenoughsothatlegallyIcouldhaveforcedhim—intoalong-termprogramofrehabilitation.Sendingachild—oradult,forthatmatter—torehabbeforeheisreadyandabletounderstandtheprinciplesofrecoverymaynotpreventrelapse,butfromwhatI'veseenitcannothurtandmayhelp.Inaddition,aperiodofforcedabstinenceduringtheformativeteenageyearsisbetterthanthatsametimespentondrugs.Forcedtreatmentinagoodprogramaccomplishesatleastoneimmediategoal:Itkeepsachildoffdrugsforthetimeheisintreatment.Sincethelesssomeoneuses,theeasieritistostop,thelongerheisintreatmentthebetter.

Whereshouldonesendachild?Whattypeofprogram?Thoughtheymayhelpsomechildren,Iwouldbewaryofprogramsthatemployharshdiscipline.It'snotthatIdon'tunderstandtheimpulsetosendachildtoabootcamp.Parentsgiveupandsay,"Youfixmykid."However,thereisnoconvincingevidencethatbootcampsorsimilarprogramshelpchildren,andtheymayhurtthem.TheNationalInstituteofjusticeoncefundedanevaluationofbootcampsineightstatesthatconcluded,"Commoncomponentsofbootcamps,suchasmilitary-stylediscipline,physicaltraining,andhardlabor,donotreducerecidivism."AreportbytheKochCrimeInstituteinKansasfoundthat"fearofbeingincarceratedatabootcamphasnotdeterredcrime,"andthreeoutoffourchildrenarebackinsomeformofdetentionwithinayearaftercamp.OnitsWebsite,theNational

MentalHealthAssociationreportsthat"employingtacticsofintimidationandhumiliationiscounterproductiveformostyouths,""bootcampgraduatesaremorelikelytobere-arrestedorarere-arrestedmorequicklythanotheroffenders,"and,detailingthemoreseriousproblemwithbootcamps,therearemany"disturbingincidents"ofabuse.In1998inGeorgia,aU.S.JusticeDepartmentinvestigationconcluded,"Theparamilitarybootcampmodelisnotonlyineffective,butharmful."Beyondsomecasesofdeathsandabuse,"adangeroussituationiscreated,onethatisoftenpsychologicallydamaging,"saidMikeRiera,anauthorandpsychologistrenownedforhisworkwithteenagerswhomKarenandImetwithaboutNic."Iftheangerandconfusionunderlyingthechild'sproblemsareforcedunderground,thereisastrongchancethattheywillbecomepathological,showingupinaninabilitytomaintainrelationshipsorinviolence,depression,orsuicide.Also,abusebreedsmoreabuse."

Thenwhat?Ihaveheardsuccessstoriesfrompeoplewhosenttheirchildrenawaytovarioustypesofprograms—inpatient,outpatient,month-longprogramslikeOhlhoffRecovery,St.Helena,SierraTucson,Hazelden,andhundredsofothers;three-monthwildernessprograms;six-monthprogramsliketheonesofferedbyOhlhoff,Hazelden,andothertreatmentcentersaroundthecountry;andyear-longhighschoolorpost-highschoolprograms.Formanyaddicts,long-termstaysinsober-livingcommunitiessuchasHerbertHousechanged—thatis,saved—theirlives.Thereisnosingleoreasyanswer,becausenooneknowswhatwillhelpaparticularindividual.Itisdifficulttogetreliableprofessionaladvice,butIwouldseekitout.Iwouldinsistonsecondandthirdopinions.Iwouldconferwithdoctors,therapists,counselorsinandoutofschools—makingsuretheyhaveexperiencewithdrugandalcoholaddiction.Iwouldweightheiradvicewhilerememberingthatthisisnotanexactscience,and

eachchildandeachfamilyisunique.

Inalmosteverycase,sendingachildintorehabagainsthisorherwillwasthehardestdecisionparentsevermade.ThemotherofoneofNic'sgrade-schoolfriendstoldmethatshehiredamantoabductherseventeen-year-oldsonwhowasusinganddealingmeth.Trainedspecialistsgrabbedhimandescortedhim,handcuffed,toathree-month-longwildernessprogram.Sheweptforthreedays.Sincehegraduatedfromtheprogram,herelapsedonce,buthenowsaysthatherinterventionsavedhislife.

IheardsimilarstoriesatAAmeetingsIattendedwithNic.Addictsinrecoveryrememberedthetimetheirparentsorchestratedinterventionsorforcedthemintotreatment."Ihatedthematthetime.Theysavedmylife."Iheardaboutfailures,too."Itried,butmysondied."Withaddiction,nooutcomeisguaranteed.Statisticsarealmostmeaningless.Youneverknowwhetheryourchildwillbeoneofthoseinthe9or17or40or50orwhateverpercentthatisthetruenumberwhomakeit.Atthesametime,thestatisticsareusefulinasoberingway.Theyinformusthatouradversaryisformidableandtheyguardusagainstirrationaloptimism.

Sometimes,whenNicrelapsed,Ifaultedhiscounselors,therapists,therehabs,and,ofcourse,myself.Inretrospect,Ihavecometounderstandthatrecoveryisanongoingprocess.Hemayhaverelapsed,butrehabsinterruptedthecyclesofusing.Withoutthem,Niccouldeasilyhavedied.Hehasachancenow.

Thisinformsanotherquestion.Yes,Iwouldhelpachildofminereturntorehabafterarelapse.I'mnotsurehowmanytimes.Once?Twice?Tentimes?Idon'tknow.Someexpertswilldisagreewithme.Theywilladviseyoutonothelpthematall.Theyfeelthatanaddictmustcometorecoveryonhisown.Theymayberightwhenitcomes

tosomechildren.Unfortunately,nooneknowsforcertain.

Ihavelearnedafewotherthings.Rehabisn'tperfect,butit'sthebestwehave.Medicationsmayhelpsomeaddicts,buttheycannotbeexpectedtoreplacerehabandongoingrecoverywork.Iwouldnotinanywayhelpsomeoneusingdrugstodoanythingotherthanreturntorehab.Iwouldnotpaytheirrent,wouldnotbailthemoutofjailunlesstheywentdirectlyintorehab,eventhenwouldnotrepeatedlybailthemout,wouldnotpaytheirdebts,andwouldnevergivethemmoney.

In1986,NancyReagan,whostartedthe"Justsayno"antidrugcampaign,famouslysaid,"Thereisnomoralmiddleground.Indifferenceisnotanoption...Forthesakeofourchildren,Iimploreeachofyoutobeunyieldingandinflexibleinyouroppositiontodrugs."

Idon'tknowanymaturepersoninfavorofdrugslikemeth.Wemustinsteadunderstandthecomplexworldinwhichourchildrenaregrowingupandhelpthemasbestwecan.

PeoplesaidtoNic,"Well,juststop."

Ihavelearnedthatit'snotthateasy.

PeopletoldmetoletgoofmyworrybecausetherewasnothingIcoulddo."Putitoutofyourmind."Inevercould.Ifinallylearnedtodothehardworkittooktoputitinperspective,becauseitdoesnothelpanyone—theaddict,therestofthefamily,you—whenitbecomestheonlythinginone'slife.Andsomyadvice:dowhateverittakes—therapy,Al-Anon,lotsofAl-Anon—foryoutocontainit.Andbepatientwithyourself.Allowyourselftomakemistakes.Beeasyonyourselfandextralovingtowardyourspouseorpartner.Donotkeep

secrets.AstheyoftenrepeatinAA,you'reassickasyoursecrets.Thoughitisnotasolution,opennessisarelief.Oursharedstorieshelpusrememberwhatwe'redealingwith.Addictsneedongoingremindersandsupport,andsodotheirfamilies.Ithelpstoreadothers'stories.Andithelpstowrite,atleastitdidforme.AsIsaid,Iwrotefrantically.Iwroteinthemiddleofthenightandmadeittomorning.IfIwereapainterlikeKaren,IwouldhavepaintedwhatIwasgoingthrough.Sheoftendid.Iwrote.

IamnolongerpreoccupiedwithNic.Thiscouldchange,butatthemomentIacceptandevenappreciatethatheislivinghislifehisway.OfcourseIwillalwayshopethathestayssober.Ihopethatourrelationshipcontinuestoheal,knowingthatthiscanhappenonlyifandwhilehe'ssober.

Wherehasmyworrygone?Ihaveamentalimageofit.TheartistChuckCloseoncesaid,"Igetoverwhelmedbythewhole."Helearnedtobreakdownimagesintoagridofsmall,manageablesquares.Paintingonesquareatatime,hecreatesmesmerizingwall-sizedportraits.Iwasoftenoverwhelmedbythewhole,too,butIlearnedtocontainmyworryaboutNicinasquareortwoofthegridthatwouldbethereifCloseweretopaintmylife.Icheckintothemonceinawhile.WhenIdo,Ifeelanentirerangeofemotions,buttheydon'toverwhelmme.

SometimesIstillfreakmyselfoutaboutthefuture,butfarlessthanIusedto.I'mbetterabouttakingitonedayatatime.Itmaysoundsimplistic,butit'sasprofoundasanyconceptIknow.IcanstillworrywhatwillhappentoNicinfiveyears,inten—toJasperandDaisy,forthatmatter—butthenIreturntotoday.

Today.

***

ItisJune.Daisy'sbirthday.Sheistentoday.Ten!It'salsostep-upday—Daisysteppinguptofifthgrade,Jaspertoseventh.

Theirgraduationsongthisyearis"IBelieveinLove,"withverseswrittenbythechildrenwiththehelpoftheirteachers.TheWorldBeatBandplays."Fourthgradewasthedoor,"singsDaisyandherfriends,"andknowledgewasthekey.Thefiestawasfantastica.Wesanginharmony.GoldcountryandOhloneDayskeptusinthegroove.Fourthgradetimeisover;we'refifthgradersonthemove.Ibelieveinmusic.Ibelieveinlove..."

Jasper'sgradestandsandthechildrensingtheirverse:"Sixthgradewasheck-a-gnarly,theAngelIslandtripkindofscarredme.AncientEgypt,China,andGreekphilosophies.AndnothingreallyrhymeswithMesopotamia.Ibelieveinmusic.Ibelieveinlove..."

Intheevening,ourweeklydinneratNancyandDon'sisdevotedtocelebratingthekids'graduation,Nancy'sandDaisy'sbirthdays,andmyanniversary.Ithasbeenexactlyayearsincemybrainhemorrhage.

ThekidsareatthekitchentableplayingChinesecheckerswithNancy,whoislosingandnottakingitwell."That'snotfair,"shehuffswhenJasperwins.

Jasper,Daisy,andtheircousindragoutanoldpianodollytiedtoalongrope.Theytaketurnspullingoneanotheronit,almostasifthey'rewater-skiing.Theridergoescareeningaroundthelivingroom.Inthekitchen,Nancytossesahandfulofchoppedshallotsintoa

skilletofmeltedbutter.Whenthey'recrispyandbrown,sheaddsredwinevinegar.Afterstirringit,sheleavesthesaucetosimmerontherangeandgoesontothedeck.Lookingupintothetrees,shemakesafunnybirdcall.Crowsandjayscomedownforcrackers.

Donclimbsupthepathfromthegarden,wherehehasbeenwatering.Hewearsapocketradiowithearphones.Thekidschargeintothekitchen,trailedbythepackofbarkingdogs,includingBrutus,whomakeshisslowwaybehindtheothers.Nancymadealegoflambwiththevinegar-and-shallotsauce,andwhitebeanswithkale,freshthyme,andgarlic.Karen'sbrothercarves.Fordessert,hersistermadealemonycakewithpalepinkandblueicingandtinymonkeys,elephants,andbearswithcandlesinthem.WesinghappybirthdaytoDaisyandNancy,whoblowoutthecandles.Afterward,Jasper,sittingnexttomeatthetable,says,"Ican'tbelieveit'ssummer."

Summer.SurfinginSantaCruz.WeareherewithourdearfriendsonaquietdayatthehookatPleasurePoint.Thewavesaresmall,somostofthehardcorelocalshavestayedhome.Butthesilky,gentlypeelingsetsareperfectforthechildren.Thewaterisclearandwarm.Sittingonmyboard,awaitingthenextset,ItakeamomenttosurveythegridinsidemyheaduntilIreachthesquaresinwhichNicresides.HeandIspentsomuchtimeheretogether.

Onthedrivehomeupthecoast,JasperchoosesaCD.Likehisolderbrotherwhenhewasyounger,Jasper'sfavoritemusicianofthemomentisBeck,andhehandsmeMidniteVulturestoslideintotheplayer.ThecarissandyandweareallsandyandsaltyandtheseaairrushesintheopenwindowsandBeckissinging—JasperandIalongwithhim.Daisycomplains,tellingustoturnitdown.Ilookoutatthe

blueocean,feelNicsostrongly.

Athome,JasperissittingonthedeckwithDaisy,consolingher.Sheisupsetbecauseshewatchedavideoaboutglobalwarming."IfeellikeI'mstandingagainstawallandagiantmonsteriscomingslowlytowardmeandIwanttostopitbutIcan't,"shesays.She'sactuallyteary."Iwanttoflyupthereandsewapatchontheozonelayer."Ifthatwasn'tenough,shealsooverheardthatPlutoisnolongerconsideredaplanet."Thepoorlittlenugget,"shesays,wipingatear.ButsoonshepushesasidehersadnessaboutEarthandPluto,andJasperisdirectingherandhimselfinaplaytheywrotecalledQueenMean.

IaminmyofficewritingwhenanemailarrivesfromNic'sgirlfriend.Shehasattachedsomephotosfromtheirrecentroadtrip.Nic,hishairlonger,wearsbigsunglasses,anewsboycap,ablackT-shirt,andbell-bottoms.Hestandsbyariver.He'sinfrontofageyseratYellowstoneNationalPark.Hesmiles—ajoyfulsmile.

Inthemorning,thegardenisswathedinlacyfog.KarengotupearlytodriveDaisytoswim-teampractice.Jasperisupstairsnoodlingontheguitar.IcallNictosayhi.Wetalkawhile.Hesounds—hesoundslikeNic,myson,back.What'snext?We'llsee.Beforehangingup,hesays,"GiveKaren,Jas,andDaisymylove."Thenhesayshehastogo.

AcknowledgmentsWithgreatrespect,IwouldliketothankSteveShoptaw,EdytheLondon,WalterLing,andespeciallyRichardRawson,allattheIntegratedSubstanceAbuseProgramsattheUniversityofCalifornia,

LosAngeles,forhelpingmetounderstandaddiction.Ialsowouldliketothankthepeoplewhovettedsectionsofthebookandofferedtheircorrectionsandsuggestions.AlongwithDrs.Rawson,Shoptaw,andLondon,theyincludeDr.JudithWallersteinandGayathriJ.Dowling,Ph.D.,DeputyChief,SciencePolicyBranchOfficeofSciencePolicyandCommunications,NationalInstituteonDrugAbuse.

ThisbookgrewoutofanarticlethatappearedintheNewYorkTimesMagazine.Icannotadequatelyexpressmythanksanddeeprespecttomyeditorsthere.Theyguidedmewithimmaculateskillandflawlessconsciences.TheyareKatherineBouton,GerryMarzorati,and,inparticular,VeraTitunik.

ItisevenmoredifficulttofullyexpressmygratitudewhenIgettoEamonDolan,theeditorofthisbook.Itisimpossibletooverstatehiscontribution.Ateverystage,Iwasinspiredby,andlearnedfrom,hiswisdom,intelligence,andelegantediting.IamalsogratefultoJanetSilverforhersensitivity,kindness,anddevotiontoBeautifulBoy.ReemAbu-LibdehandLarryCoopercontributedtheirskillfulandartfulcopy-editing.MichaelaSullivanandMelissaLotfycreated,respectively,thejacketandbookdesign.IwouldalsoliketothankBridgetMarmion,LoriGlazer,MeganWilson,CarlaGray,LoisWasoff,DavidFalk,SasheemSilkiss-Hero,ChesterChomka,SanjKharbanda,ElizabethLee,andDebbieEngelintheUnitedStates,andSuzanneBaboneau,IanChapman,RoryScarfe,EmmaHarrow,andJeremyButcherintheUnitedKingdom.BinkyUrban,myagent,livedthroughmuchofthisstory,providedunwaveringsupport,andhelpedmenavigateminefields.AlsoatICM,thankstoRonBernstein,JacquelineShock,LizFarrell,KarolinaSutton,MollyAtlas,andAlisonSchwartz.SpecialthankstoJasperSheffforhissuggestionsandcorrections.

ThroughoutthepastfewyearsIhavebeenawedbythebraveanddedicatedpeoplewhoworktohelpaddictsandtheirfamilies.Myfamilywascounseled,guided,andsupportedbyDavidFrankel,RickRaw-son,PaulEhrlich,JaceHorwitzatHerbertHouseSoberLivingEnvironment,andhumblesaintswhoprefertobementionedonlybytheirfirstnames,RandyandTed.Ireservespecial,andboundless,gratitudeforMaryMargaretMcClure,DonAlexander,andourchildren'sremarkableteachers.

Finally,IwouldliketothankthewondrouscommunitiesofPointReyesStationandInverness,andofcoursemydearfamilyandfriends.Iftheygotsickofourendlesscrises,andhowcouldtheynothave—Idid—theyneveronceshowedit.ThankyouSarah,Mike,Ginny,Annie,Peggy,cowgirlsSueandNan,Armistead,Christopher,Lee,SteveR.,Heidi,Bo,Jenny,Jim,MikeM.,Marshall,Jennifer,Suning,Ginee,Fred,Jessica,Peter,Ilie,Jeremiah,Taylor,Vicki,Susan,Buddy,Debra,Mark,Jenny,Becca,Bear,Susan,Lucy,Steve,Mark,Nancy,Don,Sumner,andJoan—andJamie,Kyle,Dylan,andLena.Ononeoftheworstdays,IcheckedmyvoicemailandJamiehadcalledfromNewYork."Iwanttoflyhomeandbuildaretainingwallaroundyou,"hesaid.YouandKyledid(anddo).Andwithmyboundlesslove,thankyou(again)Daisy,Jasper,Nic,andKaren.

ResourcesForfurtherreadingandhelp.Thisisbynomeansanexhaustivelist,butthefollowingbooks,articles,andWebsitesmaybeuseful.

Addiction.HBOSeries.ProducedbyJohnHoffmanandSusanFroemke.DVDavailable.www.hbo.com.HomeBoxOffice,2007.

Al-AnonandAl-AnonFamilyGroupHeadquarters.TheAl-AnonFamilyGroups—ClassicEdition.VirginiaBeach,VA:Al-AnonFamilyGroupHeadquarters,Inc.,2000.

Al-AnonandAl-AnonFamilyGroupHeadquarters.Alateen—HopeforChildrenofAlcoholics.VirginiaBeach,VA:Al-AnonFamilyGroupHeadquarters,Inc.,1973.

Al-AnonandAl-AnonFamilyGroupHeadquarters.CouragetoChange:OneDayataTimeinAl-AnonII.VirginiaBeach,VA:Al-AnonFamilyGroupHeadquarters,Inc.,1968,1972,1973.

Al-AnonandAl-AnonFamilyGroupHeadquarters.OneDayataTimeinAl-Anon.VirginiaBeach,VA:Al-AnonFamilyGroupHeadquarters,Inc.,1968,1972,1973.

Al-AnonandAl-AnonFamilyGroupHeadquarters.PathstoRecovery—Al-Anon'sSteps,Traditions,andConcepts.VirginiaBeach,VA:Al-AnonFamilyGroupHeadquarters,Inc.,1997.

Black,Claudia,Ph.D.StraightTalkfromClaudiaBlack:WhatRecoveringParentsShouldTellTheirKidsAboutDrugsandAlcohol.CityCenter,MN:HazeldenPublishing,2003.

Brown,Stephanie,Ph.D.,VirginiaM.Lewis,Ph.D,withAndrewLiotta.TheFamilyRecoveryGuide:AMapforHealthyGrowth.Oakland,CA:NewHarbingerPublications,2000.

Cheever,Susan.MyNameIsBill:BillWilson—HisLifeandtheCreationofAlcoholicsAnonymous.NewYork:WashingtonSquare

Press,2005.

——.NoteFoundinaBottle.NewYork:WashingtonSquarePress,2006.

Conyers,Beverly.AddictintheFamily:StoriesofLoss,Hope,andRecovery.CenterCity,MN:HazeldenPublishingandEducationalServices,2003.

Didion,Joan.TheYearofMagicalThinking.NewYork:Knopf,2005.

Hoffman,John,andSusanFroemke,eds.HBO'sAddiction:WhyCan'tTheyJustStop?NewYork:RodalePress,2007.

Johnson,Vernon.Intervention:HowtoHelpSomeoneWhoDoesn'tWanttoBeHelped.CenterCity,MN:HazeldenPublishing,1986.

Kellermann,JosephL.AGuidefortheFamilyoftheAlcoholic.CenterCity,MN:HazeldenPublishingandEducationalServices,1996.

Ketcham,Katherine,andWilliamF.Asbury,withMelSchulstadandArthurP.Ciaramicoli.BeyondtheInfluence:UnderstandingandDefeatingAlcoholism.NewYork:BantamBooks,2000.

Lamott,Anne.BirdbyBird:SomeThoughtsonWritingandLife.NewYork:Anchor,1995.

——.PlanB:FurtherThoughtsonFaith.NewYork:RiverheadTrade,2006.

——.TravelingMercies:SomeThoughtsonFaith.NewYork:Anchor,2000.

Lynch,Thomas."TheWayWeAre,"fromBodiesinMotionandatRest:OnMetaphorandMortality.NewYork:W.W.NortonandCo.,2001.

"TheMethEpidemic."Frontline.DVD.PBS,2005.

Milan,JamesRobert,andKatherineKetcham.UndertheInfluence:AGuidetotheMythsandRealitiesofAlcoholism.NewYork:BantamBooks,1983.

Mnookin,Seth."HarvardandHeroin."Salon.com,Aug.27,1999.

——."TheEndofMyWorldAsIKnewIt."Slate.com,Dec.31,2004.Mnookin,Wendy."MySontheHeroinAddict."Salon.com,Aug.27,1999.

MoyersonAddiction:ClosetoHome.DirectedbyBillMoyers.VHS.CurriculumMediaGroup,1998.

Moyers,WilliamC.,andKatherineKetcham.Broken:MyStoryofAddictionandRedemption.NewYork:Viking,2006.

Orenstein,Peggy."StayingClean."NewYorkTimesMagazine,February10,2002.

RecoveryofChemicalDependentFamilies(booklet).CenterCity,MN:Hazelden/JohnsonInstitute,1987.

Schwebel,Robert.SayingNoIsNotEnough:HelpingYourKidsMakeWiseDecisionsAboutAlcohol,Tobacco,andOtherDrugs.NewYork:NewmarketPress,1989.

Shannonhouse,Rebecca.UndertheInfluence:TheLiteratureofAddiction.NewYork:ModernLibrary,2003.

Sheff,Nic.Tweak.NewYork:GineeSeoBooks/Atheneum,2007.

Singer,Mark."TheMisfit:HowDavidMilchGotfromNYPDBluetoDeadwoodbyWayofanEpistleofSt.Paul."TheNewYorker,February14and25,2005.

Wallerstein,JudithS.,andSandraBlakeslee.WhatAbouttheKids:RaisingYourChildrenBefore,During,andAfterDivorce.NewYork:Hyperion,2003.

Wallerstein,JudithS.,JuliaM.Lewis,andSandraBlakeslee.TheUnexpectedLegacyofDivorce:The25-YearLandmarkStudy.NewYork:Hyperion,2000.

Websitesformoreinformationandreferrals,includingtwelve-stepmeetingsinyourarea

Al-Anon/Alateen

http://www.al-anon.org

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/english.html

Nar-Anon

http://nar-anon.org/index.html

AlcoholicsAnonymous

http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org

NarcoticsAnonymous

http://na.org

PartnershipforaDrug-FreeAmerica

http://www.drugfree.org

Drugfree.org;methamphetamineinformationandresourcecenter

http://www.drugfree.org/Portal/DrugIssue/MethResources/default.html

KCI,theAnti-MethSite

http://www.kci.org

UCLAIntegratedSubstanceAbusePrograms

http://www.uclaisap.org

Hazelden

http://www.hazelden.org

NationalAssociationforChildrenofAlcoholics(NACoA)

http://www.nacoa.net

AmericanSocietyofAddictionMedicine

http://www.asam.org

NationalInstituteonDrugAbuse

http://www.nida.nih.gov

NationalInstituteonDrugAbuse;informationandresourcesrelated

tomethamphetamine

http://www.nida.nih.gov/DrugPages/Methamphetamine.html

NationalInstituteonDrugAbuseforTeens

http://teens.drugabuse.gov

CreditsTheauthorwishestoexpresshisthankstotheartistsandlicenseholdersofthefollowingsonglyrics,moviescripts,books,andpoemsfortheirpermissiontousetheircopyrightedworkinthisbook.Allrightsarereservedbythecopyrightownerstothefollowing:

Excerptsfrom"God,""BeautifulBoy(DarlingBoy),"and"NobodyToldMe,"writtenbyJohnLennon,copyright©1970,1980,and1980,LenonoMusic.Usedbypermission.Allrightsreserved.SpecialthankstoYokoOno.

Excerptfrom"It'sAllRightMa(I'mOnlyBleeding"),writtenbyBobDylan,copyright©1965byWarnerBros.,Inc.Copyrightrenewed1993bySpecialRiderMusic.Allrightsreserved.Internationalcopyrightsecured.Reprintedbypermission.

Excerptfrom"AHardRain'sA-GonnaFall,"writtenbyBobDylan,copyright©1963byWarnerBros.,Inc.Copyrightrenewed1991bySpecialRiderMusic.Allrightsreserved.Internationalcopyrightsecured.Reprintedbypermission.

Excerptfrom"ReasonToBelieve"byBruceSpringsteen,copyright©1982BruceSpringsteen(ASCAP).Reprintedby

permission.Internationalcopyrightsecured.Allrightsreserved.Forhelpwiththeserights,thankyoutoMarilynLavertyatShorelineandGlenBrunmanatSonyBGM.

Excerptfrom"ShineaLight,"writtenbyMickJagger&KeithRichards,publishedbyABKCOMusic,Inc.,©1972ABKCOMusic,Inc.,www.abkco.com.

Excerptfrom"TearsinHeaven,"wordsandmusicbyEricClaptonandWillJennings.Copyright©1992byE.C.MusicLtd.andBlueSkyRiderSongs.AllrightsforE.C.MusicLtd.administeredbyUnichappelMusicInc.AllrightsforBlueSkyRiderSongsadministeredbyIrvingMusic,Inc.Internationalcopyrightsecured.Allrightsreserved.

Excerptfrom"TheseDays,"wordsandmusicbyJacksonBrowne.Copyright©1967(renewed)OpenWindowMusic.AllrightsadministeredbyWixenMusicPublishing,Inc.Allrightsreserved.UsedbypermissionofthepublisherandAlfredPublishingCo.,Inc.

Excerptfrom"IntheNeighborhood,"writtenbyTomWaitsandKathleenBrennan,copyright©1983JalmaMusic(ASCAP).Allrightsreserved.Usedbypermission.

Excerptfrom"SmellsLikeTeenSpirit,"wordsandmusicbyKurtCobain,KristNovoselic,andDaveGrohl.Copyright©1991EMIVirginSongs,Inc.,TheEndofMusic,MJTwelveMusic,andMurkySloughMusic.AllrightsforTheEndofMusicandMurkySloughMusiccontrolledandadministeredbyEMIVirginSongs,Inc.AllrightsforMJTwelveMusiccontrolledandadministeredbySongsofUniversal,Inc.Allrightsreserved.Internationalcopyrightsecured.Usedbypermission.

Excerptfrom"TerritorialPissings,"wordsandmusicbyKurtCobainandChetPowers.Copyright©1991EMIVirginSongs,Inc.andTheEndofMusic.AllrightscontrolledandadministeredbyEMIVirginSongs,Inc.Allrightsreserved.Internationalcopyrightsecured.Usedbypermission.

Excerptfrom"Dumb,"wordsandmusicbyKurtCobain.Copyright©1993EMIVirginSongs,Inc.andTheEndofMusic.AllrightscontrolledandadministeredbyEMIVirginSongs,Inc.Allrightsreserved.Internationalcopyrightsecured.Usedbypermission.SpecialthankstoPeterAsherforthepermissiontouseNirvana'slyrics.

Excerptfrom"CountrysideinEngland"byVanMorrisonusedbykindpermissionofExileProductions©VanMorrison.Allrightsreserved.

ExcerptsfromAddictintheFamily,byBeverlyConyers,copyright©2003byHazeldenFoundation.ReprintedbypermissionofHazeldenFoundation,CenterCity,MN.

ExcerptsfromthescriptforEternalSunshineoftheSpotlessMindbyCharlieKaufmanarecourtesyofUniversalStudiosLicensingLLLP.AllrightsnotspecificallygrantedbyUniversalhereinarereserved.

ExcerptsfromthescriptofOneFlewOvertheCuckoo'sNest,©1975theSaulZaentzCompany.Allrightsreserved.Usedwithpermission.

ExcerptfromWelcometotheDollhouse,copyright©1996SuburbanPictures,Inc.

ExcerptfromFandangoBagPuppetcommercialreprintedwiththepermissionofFandangoInc.,©2004.Allrightsreserved.

ExcerptfromthescriptofDotheRightThing,bySpikeLee,usedbypermissionofSpikeLeeandSevenAcresandaMuleProductions.Allrightsreserved.

Excerptfrom"thoughtsonbeing71"fromOpenAllNight:NewPoemsbyCharlesBukowski,copyright©2000byLindaLeeBukowski,reprintedbypermissionofHarperCollinsPublishers.

Excerptfrom"BellaNotte(ThisIstheNight)"fromWaltDisney'sLadyandtheTramp.WordsandmusicbyPeggyLeeandSonnyBurke,©1952WaltDisneyMusicCompany.Copyrightrenewed.Allrightsreserved.Usedbypermission.ThankstoShariWiedatHalLeonardPublishingforallofherhelp.