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VolNo •. LXVl . . . . Lake Forest University Apri_l Fool's No. 22

··. ~dministra.tion appoints Tipsy leader by Savory-Killer that something be done in order said 'in unison. consume less alcohol tban their

inean bOdy weight in a given month (for a i50 pounder this means 80 ounces or less -per. day)

the findings of the study ''shocking, apalling, astounding, bewildering, but most of all confounding." He believes strongly that right actions in a positive direction is of imminent necessity to correct this problem.,.

~~- · and Brav_eMoney '.

Last week the; Lake Forest administr~iition appOinted as head minister of the Tipsy- Affairness Task Force · Doolittle Drunkenberry, formerly the _ chief taster for Distilleries Unlimited. Inc.

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."It is abqut time that. Lake Forest administration; faculty <hieD and students critic-(hic!)­ally examin~ the i.Dexcusable­abuse of alcohol at the university~'' Drunkenberry said. "Furthermore, it is about time

to do ; ~Qmething · about this serious problem." · "

Drunkenberry pla~s to implem(m~ plans to deal with the~ horrilying levels of intOxication . through a program which· he calls '·'Operation In~bria tion."

Drunkenberry:. :has confidence that this. ··method -will produce quite a remarkable effect upon students. ·. .

University Captain Ted · Fistman and Director of Collage Moonion Micky Bored -have both volunteered· to participate actively in this progrillll, they

Lake Forest honors· roots

' Cheers for 150,000 eonsf On Sunday, April 15, Lake Forest will .

celebrate her birthday with a special sesquatChquinte~l trek to her~ origins ina galazy far, far away.CaptainSpockwillmake"a landing on campus to take a limited number of · students, faculty, administration, alumni, Pit-employees, toy-police, Wachovm <Walk all over you) ''friends,'' garbage-collectors and ·Reynolda Postmasters to another realm...;,..that of the birthplace of dear ole Lake Forest.

Trek tickets are limited and reservations can't be made until after the trek has taken place. It will be quite necessary to be on another planet in order to view the gigantic birthday cake which will be stretched from Bostwick dormitory to Winston Hall and upwards to Wait Chapel with an extention of crumbs to the Saf room to be scarfed down by famished students,

An ancient Pit recipe, consisting of cardboard, sugar and water, will be the basic ingredients for the cake, which promises to feed exactly 150,000 people and no more, in honor of that sacred numb~r of years.

Even more surprises are m store-~or the ghost of ~ke Forest past will jump right smack out of the middle of the cake, haunting students with visions of the. past-back when intervisitation laws were strictly adliered to; The ghost of Lake Forest future has been forbidden to reveal (the horrori) a glimpse of a campus which allows stu~ents to

A stU~Y- recently completed by graduate student Ainlsley Piddle examines patterns of beerbavior exhibited by students.

The study defined driliking patterns as follows (this, of course, for scientific .credibility): abnegationer, . featherweight, welterweight and heavyweight.

-welterweight - those who own _a separate refrigerator for the sole pUrpose of keeping Budmeister always ~old and ready

--heavyweight those individuals who place orders for· alcohol at an oil company to employ a tanker truck for

-deliverv

-abnegationer - those who only drink when no one else is . watching (this technique incorporates a keen eye and a q~ck wrist!) I.M. Bibe, the high priest o~

the Society of -Inebriation -feath~eipt- those w~o Prevention, stated that he finds

Elements of beerhavior of . particular inter~t .concern~-:,'.: .= . hangover statlsttcs ... Tlfese. · . ·. :

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statistics not only. involve the--· · number of students hung over but also what objects students _are . found hung over. Among those percentages discovered so far are: 25 percent of' ·students over railings, 'S1 percent over dates and a whopping 58 percent over steering wheels.

es, you can a Lake Forest cheerleader you must do. is smile a lot, swing your hips, exercise after everything you eat, and be determined to thrill those old men·! You cando it, yourcandoit, you candoit, ... Rah! Rah!

'Kermie' liberalizes lily pads determine their own visitation hours. . by I. M. Liberal Student Government President Brent Could

After the cake has been devoured, the pep band and· Lake Forest reflected on the hard work he and past SG officers cheerleaders will march around the quad exactly 150,000 times at a President Kermit Tern, Jr. announced yesterday and legislators put into getting the past visitation pace of 150,000 mph with a decibal threshold of 150,000 vibrations. he 'is abolishing the new university visitation policy. policy accepted. "I feel cheated of a lot of time and Planes flying abOve the Quad at a height of 150,000 feet will distribute a Beginning next fall all the lily pads on the Quad and hard work," Could said. "But I am looking forward downpour of gold and black jelly beans. Students are asked to bring the women's lily pads on the south side of campus to my new living arrangement." their gold and black umbrellas to protect themselves as the flying will be converted to coeducational pads. Former SG president Joanne A'Tryin' agreed. beans could be detrimental to o11e's health. The term "intervisitation" will.be a word of the with Could. "I spent all year working on that old

past. The new coed pad will house male and female , h 'd "I · t t that I · One hundred and fifty thousa11d rolls of Deac·brand toilet paper policy, s e sat . JUS regre am a semor students in any form of- living arrangement they bl t tak d ta f the have been donated to the school by a student's philantbropical parent and won't be a e o e a van ge o new prefer. Some streams may prefer to remain ,

Who W ishes to put a tight "sqeeze" on Charmin and Co. After rolling situation. segregated. Others, however, will choose coed pads. lil ds ill b d t the Quad, a buffet barbeque will be served on .Jupiter-meal cards Tern said that coed · Y pa w e rea Y nex

ted fte h. h th thquinte · al Kfug and Q- ill be Many. co~ples will wel~o~e this t~ run. of fall Some of the· Quad lily pads are being :~:!~ed.' a r w tc e sesqua . nm . ueen w cohabitation as a p~erequ~~~ to poten~al mantal refurbished this summer. Others will be scheduled

Tours Of the Old Campus are available for those who feel up to the plans. Thus, Tern IS reqwnng the entire student for the followirig summer body to attend Planned Parenthood meetings. . ·. . . . .

... vigorous exercise. The tours will begin and continue· for another Tern said this new policy will eliminate the ~he campu.s lmen serv1ce w1ll begm provtdmg 150,000 years into the black hole where time is vacuous. Fallowing the visitation rules because intervisitation will no satm sheets m the pads. Also. The Deac?n ~hop tours, a free campus skate will take place for all Lake Forest fossils longer be necessary. Males and females can reside announced a new contract wtth Fredenck s of dating back to the class of 1940 and before. The Quad will be well on their own lily pads together, without ever having Hollywood. padded with cake crumbs ~hould anyone fall. Female fossils may also to bother with ID's, signing in and RA checks. Vending machines offering various choose t? parti_ciJ?Clte in a celebrated mud slin~ and mud wrestling This will cut down on student trials before- the contraceptives will be installed on each lily pad. contest 10 the IDiddle of the Quad. :. · St 1d t T d. · · 1 B "d tlhus abohs' bin. a its 1 Th1·s requll'· emen•.. works in conJ.U..'lction with

W. ·n b d d 'th t h . te "al t hirts hi h u en .. u Icta oa. b & roe mners wt e awar e Wl sesqua c qwn nnt -s , w c altogether Planned Parenthood. may also ~e purchased at the bargain rate o~ $15?,000. Cups, glasses, "I think ·it is time that this campus emerges into The alternative housing selection process will bla~ets~ Jewelry and .all sorts of paraphanaba .Wlth the 150,000 years the 20th century," Tern said. "The. Victorian begin next week. Contact your head resident or call des1gn will be for salem the Deacon Shop. policies on visitation are a thing of the past." the housing office for additional information.

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Hit songs to describe

Lake Forest men (men?)

1. "I'm A Loser" - The Beatles 2. ''<I Can't Get No) Satisfaction" -The Rolling Stones 3. "Dandy" - Herman's Hermits 4. "Love Stinks" -The J. Geils Band 5. "Fool on the Hill" - The Beatles 6. "The Stranger" - Billy Joel 7. "You Can't Always Get What You Want" -The Rolling Stones 8. "Don't Stand So Close to Me"- The Police 9. "Tainted Love" - Soft Cell 10. "Less Than Zero" - Elvis Costello 11. "Tell Her About It" - Billy Joel 12. "Heart of Stone" -The Rolling Stones 13. "Nowhere Man" - The Beatles 14. "A Must to Avoid" - Herman's Hermits 15. "Is That Love" - Squeeze

Compiled by: Wanda El Salvador and Nanock (of the North)

Hit songs to describe

Lake Forest women (women?)

1. "Hound Dog" - Elvis Presley 2. "Puppy Love" - Donny Osmond 3. "Toys in the Attic" - Aerosmitb 4. ''Young Girl Get Out of My Life"- Del Shannon 5. "Take the Last Train to Clarksville" -The Monkeys 6. "Godzilla" -Blue Oyster Cult 7. "Beat It" - Michael Jackson 8. "Whit It" - Devo 9. "Can't Stand it for Another Day"- The Police 10. "Doggy in the Window" -11. "Get Back" - The Beatles 12. "Super Freak" - Rick James 13. "The Weather's Here I Wish You Were Beautiful" - Buffet 14., "Head Games" - Foreigner 15. "Witchy Woman" -Eagles

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Students learn takeovers first-hand ·. b:)rGuido Sangria obvious to this reporter. "l think ·one eleetive. "We will requlre

Plans concerning the new co-ed this is a wonderful idea. We want courses ~uch as Theatrical dormitory are suddenly being to load these students with as Acting) · Unethical Business changed. A new proposal · is much work and credits as Policy, Golf, and major seminars underway with an agree·ment ·-··possible-they will enjoy living to learn how to shate·hands. We between the undergraduate . ·right next to their classrooms. feel these are important courses School of Business and We will move ·our libraries and of for the well-rolinded business · Accountancy and the residence course my computers into the student. We also need them for life staff. The agreement sta:tes· - dorm so students will· feel · oUt acc~tation~'~· he 8aid. that thesehool will move into the obligated to work as much. as· .Remarks. from business new dornnit~ry, which will be possible. I love competition!." students were· heard throughout appropriately named DeLorean The business and accounting the Babcock building .. One Dormitory. faculty will serve as residence student s~ed- it all up by

Sophom()re, junior and senior advisors and the secre~ry, Miss remarking, "It figilres. ;_, · accountin1 and business majors Kitty, will be the house mother. will live in the new dorm, and Assistant Dean of Residence Life non-majors taking a course can Shannon Clown remarked, live in a guest room for one "Heck, now I don't have to worry· semester. As requested by the about problems ·there. Those .dean of the school Thomas Jail<?~", - professors rule with an iron fist-the layout of the 226 person dorm they will be perfect RAs!" must be ~refully plannEd. Dean Jailor said, "Two-thirds of the dorm will be set aside for those who wimp out and change to a liberal arts major."

OP.an Jailor's enthusiasm was

Dean Jailor felt that by implementing this new concept, he could raise· .the credit requirement for the majors to 140, which will allow the student

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Even though students are uiJset · about Ute decision, ·Dean Jailor was jumping for joy around his office. ''I am· sure· .students . will love the id_ea of being- so close to their major and professors. After all, they are going to have to get used to nervous breakdowns and sleeping. on their office · chair instead of going home. We· just want to prepare these students for the Real World."

Committee revamps entranceway In apprC>ving plans for a more

visible and profitable entrance to Lake Forest, the planning committee emphasized destructi01n of as many trees as possible.

The 40-:foot long, 22-inch tall wall alrea-dy built on both sides of the Silas Mariner Parkway" entrance to Campus will soon be adorned with neon lights and glow in tlte dark letters saying "Lake Fmest."

Along with this ornamentation the entraJice will eventually be

enhanced by an eye-p~easmg <and pocket-pleasing) toll booth. Tolls of an as yet undetermined amount< it took 25 years to get the sign! ) will be collected by electronic means.

To totally harrass conservationists trees were kept to a minimum number at the entranceway. Only scrub trees or dying puny ones remain standing.

Originally the plannbig committee intended to use either a gold or black color scheme. The

effect was reject~, however,.as being too straight-laced and conservative. One comlnent was ''It would reek of Southern Baptistness! n

-To honor the increase in female · undergraduates the sign will be highlighted in fuschia and turquoise, two of this season's top fashion colors. This decision was made upon the advice of the interior decorating staff· of "Motel 5." The women's studies group agreed with the ~trategy.

continued on page three

SESQUICENTENl\~rA;r­

SPRINGFEST DANCE Sign Up

for the featuring

THE SkiP CASTRO BAND

Friday April 13 . 9:00 -1:00

At "Beneath the Ems," Hyatt House $6.00 I couple • $3.00 I slagle

Sponsored by CU, SGA, Sesquicentennial Student Com. Tickets on Sale Afternoons. in CU Office

761-5230

Semiformal Brown Bagging Permitted

Transportation Provided

Old Campus Trek Sunday, Aprill5

. ~~o~C[~i;~~~;f ~f:~~~::~~-=--;-

W AltE FOP.Es'r COLLEGE, FOBESTVILLZ, ~.C.

Monday - Friday 10 am -12 noon • 2 - 4 pm

Reynolda Hall Lobby

Deadline: Friday, April 6

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Staff photo by Joey Jeffreys

Saturdays sink The athletic department's promotional means-six super­

Saturdays-were supposed crowd pleasing spectacles intended to increase the profit at home football games .. Instead of six ~izzling extravaganzas the acts showed stupendously superior silliness. Bobsy Pope, who ea111ed the audacious amount of $80,000 for his appearance, is seen here leering at local cuties~ Thanks to Mean Looks and Co. Pope is so wealthy he need not exert himself even to tip his hat.

Radical changes continue ~ontinued from page. two encouraged on campus and

Both the neori sign and tie toH males and females may visit booth 'additions will be in·keeping , ·each other's rooins duriilg limes with the radical changes that other than after church services. have hit Lake Forest. The school is taking on a new image as Reports show that the sign and evidenced by its liberal and toll . booth should attract the monetary leanings. The OG B . enterprising flamboyant students now runs "Playboy" and beer Lake Forest covets (a Ia Tom advertise~ents, dancing is Cruise in "Risky Business").

• n Fools Sale

No Fooling ·0

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New 'film features ole Kermie .,

President Kermit Tern Jr. Flocklear. The movie vividly previewed the· newest ~jor recreated the moment when the motion picture release in combined Lake Forest Choirs Win5ton-Salem last night. · The · screamed in perfect harmony so movie, titled ~'The Coronation: loudly tliat · ltmgs flew wlldly Tem Becomes President" was across Waitaminute Chapel. . made from footage filmed during The wide screen of DeSbambles the coronlltion of Tern as Auditorium practically gloWed

. President of Lake Forest . when the wide face of Winston-

Ralllllph Tails totally ignored his royal presence.

The opening and closing of the coronation e~travaganza was colorfully exphasized by the credits in bold white print focused · over the "Parade of Penquins" entering and exiting Waitaminute Chapel.

University. Salem Mayor Wade CorpUlent "The Coronation: Tern Tern, affectionately known as mumbled bis greeting to Tem.

Becomes President" is a highlight of the sesquatch­quintennial celebration. Plans are being made to cancel the Sound and Fury show to show the movie on the Quad. Until this is arranged, tJle Collage Moonion movies have been cancelled and "The Coronation" will be shown at 7 and 9 p.m. everynight.

"Kermie" or '4Rib-bit" to the His indistinguishable tones and student body, said, "The film was · lazy lipped diction earned him a very good. Unfortunately they place . in the hearts of the ,dicfu'tfllm my best side, so I look . audience. As Corpulent said, "uh ;as·though I should be living in a mmmm uum huh.'' :swamp." . Special guest sitter Jimmy R. ~usical highlights of the film Punt sat behind the podium in

included the. coronation anthem, WaitamiJJute · Chapel and ·"The Lecture of Recreation" by exchanged glances with Tern university composer Dan . while former President Jimmy

Chipmunk Punk: Funk the skunk by Kenneth Koerner

The Chipmunks, a band out of Burbank, California, are definitely one of the best cover groups come to the forefront o( the m\Jsic scene. Their precise instrumentation and unique vocals give them a sense of musical class· that rivals the superiority of Frank Zappa. and V .K. The · Chipmunk's "Chipriumk. Pllnk" album well exemplifies the band's move into a higher realm of excellence.

"Chipmunk Punk" is beautifully designed, mixing slower songs with more energetic numbers:The'album opens Wifh·a fast paced version of The Cars' "Let's· Go," and then scurries through a · first side which includes two Knack songs and a­smooth version of Tom Petty's "Refugee."

The perfectly produced flip

side begins with the Chipmunks vocals. Each vocal section comes doing their rendition of Blondie's away sounding strong and ''Call Me.'' The second and third sometimes better than the initial songs are slower, and more version. The vocals on "My melodic and better suited for the Sharona'' are especially well stirring vocals that accompany pitched and well toned. In fact, them. The record ends with a the Chipmunks can hit higher bang as the Chipmunks kick out notes than most vocalists. The "My Sbarona." · Chipmunks' fresh approach to

Alvin, Theodore and Simon do vocals makes each song come an excellent job on this album. alive. Their musical expertise is well · Even the album cover extends illustrated by the bands they the idea of the Chipmunks choose to cover. Every song is expertise by seeming overly perfectly orchestrated and modest. The front cover portrays wonderfully mixed. a modest photograph of the band

. . . against a plain brick wall with Alvm, th~ pere~mal ~ad ~~r ~~ , __ Simo~.Jlass .. resting against .. -a.

the balld';"' lets ~ nuschievous trash can. Alvin hogs the back energy flo~ on gu1tar parts that cover, taking up the space with a c~uld ~slly ~a~ t~se ?f photograph of him in action wih accomplished guttansts. ,SlDlon s his favorite guitar. bass riffs and ~ru:odore s drum The Chipmunks bring a new parts perfectly umtate the parts definition to the idea of cover of the original artist. bands, as they powerful1y

All three chipmunks contribute recreate exciting song.s.

* Great Subs * Homemade Soups * New York Style Pizza

And now •••

Special Group of ... Happy Hour P.rices on Draft Beer! -All night, everynight, 5 p.m. till closing-

Assorted Colors T-Shirts 00

Monday - Wednesday Only At the Deacon Shop

"on the Campus"

45~ Glass 2.25 Pitcher -Coors is here!

Sf~Af~p/et4 1951 NOR111 CHEIUIY STliEET

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We're Proud To Be Deacon Fans

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Comin({ out of the closet ®bnnxinus <&nssip anb ilaspftrmu Confession·s of- a heterOse~ual

PREDATORIAL STAFF

Brawling Talker ......................... Predator Barest Dement .............. Scroungiilg Predator Dont Saveus ........... Predatorial Page Predator Fairy Queen ....................... Torts Predator Civ Watchtower ..................... Ass. Predator Savory Killer ......... ~ ............. Ass. Predator Old Maid Preppycon ................ Ass .Predator E .F. Button .............. ~ .......... Ass Predator Sister Katherine Dimwitts ...... Copy Cat Predator Shouldshe Baggit .................... Ass Predator Rapid Zappa ..................... Beeswax Ranger Fret Bagle ......................... Sailing Ranger Small Yields ................. Executive Secretary

The real problem Alcohol abuse has

reigned as the popular subject for discussion within the Lake Forest administration all year. However, the administrators have overlooked a much more serious problem: caffeine abuse.

With the recent

hangovers, students now miss class because of caffeine crashes.''

In an interview this week Lake Forest president Kermit Tern Jr. said he realizes caffeine is a problem. ''The problem of alcohol has met its match. Mter studying the philosophers Hegel and Kant on this very subject, I believe that caffeine may be the hidden problem­the Atari dru~."

I have a confession to make. I think I'm.a heterosexual. I know, I know, it's a shocker, but I just can't keep it in the closet anymore. Ever since the University .. passed the · new v:isitation . policy I've been developing extreme fondness for humans of the other sex. Women, there I said it; I can call them that now without the fear and trepid~tion.· of pronouncing

·that taboo word. Women, women, women~ Oh, it's a wonderful feeling!

Ever since my freshman year I was very . confused about my sexual orientation. The administration locked me in a cell with eight guys. We ate together, studied together, . shared bunk beds, and threw frisbees on the Quad during periods of release for good behavior. Only when I was in class did I see these creatures called women. They looked sort of interesting and I wondered if they spent their weekends in the dorm eating pizza, drinking beer, and watching MTV.

My curiosity grew. I started reading everything in the OG&B I could on the subject. But all that

-talk of incurable herpes and venera! disease, not to mention my GPA dropping, made me even more afraid of women.

I went to the Lake Forest Craptist Church and asked the minister, Rev. Bomin A. Barr, what the good book taught. "The word women comes from the

_,, ~ . .

'woe' they bring to 'men.' They are the root of all evil," he told me.

Biology professor Hermit Your~r taught me that men and women were created to mate and produce offspring. "How could we," I wondered, "since we. never are allowed to come in contact with each other."

I decided to make a bold move. I applied to live in "new . promiscuous dorm" where I could scrutinize the enemy at bay.

"Strange," I thought while

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observing them,·" these creatures aren't very different from us with the exception of-those open leg ·pants · they wear and the occasional ones with blue dots on their faces;" I began conversing with them and now engage in the pagan ritual called dating ...

I never have forgotten my.male friends though. They're still more fun to play football with and easier to say dirty words to. But · ·my experience with heterosexuality has given ne~

· meaning to. my life. =- -. ·

JustinTyme

problems arising on campus from caffeine abuse, it would appear that the time has come to install, yes, you guessed it, a Caffeine Task Force! There can be no doubt that diet colas, coffee and caffeine pills are now taking the place of that old party stalwart-beer.

One Gek~ fraternity member said last week, "We now go through up to five kegs of coffee at a party."

Students also need to learn .·that they '·~an not stay up for two nights straight, with their sleeping substituted by a caffeine overdose. Correct doses ·of caffeine, along with breathalizers for suspicious-looking students, will be available in the Pit and Snack Pit, and eventually in all the fraternity lounges. .

--Letters to the Predator--­The Day After M* A *S*H*

Someone needs to convince Te.d F.istman that beer and liquor aren't the problem. A recent study prepared by the Winston­Slamem Journal said, "Ninety-five percent of Lake Forest students take caffeine as an upper. This has become the greatest social problem of our day. Whereas students used to miss class because of

Through. education we can perhaps slow the growth.of this popular form of escapism. Additional solutions to the problem, if the education process fails, include raising the age to 21 for consumption of any caffeine at all and limiting consumption wherever the caffeine is distributed.

I promise that this is my last diatribe in . defense of communism and the nuclear · freeze-until next week. My departmental colleagues are so misguided that rm urging the administration to make my class a pre-requisite in order to protect impressionable minds from all those hardcore warmongers.

The Soviet Union is not an "Evil Empire" as President Raygun claims it to be. The root

simply for the reason that they enjoy American blue jeans and· "Dallas" too much to destroy us. Instead of wastq our money on nuclear weapons like Professor's Atari as Sear Roebuck would have it, may I suggest we move the Worrell house. out of a SoCialist country like Britain and set up a program in ·Leningrad so we can truly understand how the better half lives.

Raving Broyled Professor of PoUtical Scientology

of what the hawks are calling .. -----------. Soviet aggression is really an overpopulation problem. After all

Standing with Gall the Jews settled in the good land in Siberia and built their ski chalets, the Soviets had no other choice but to turn to Vietnam and Afganistan-bananastan for ·suburban development.

I know tbat you are already printing one of my letters but I can not miss the chance to reiterate my views. Thus allow me to say once again:

I'm appalled by what a liberal rag the OG&B has become. Every week I vomit up my pit dinner when I read your "h9lier­than-thou'' predatorial tirades supporting broads, darkies, homos, wet-backs, and commie pinkos. Don't they teach you good ole American values like bigotry, prejudice, and military intervention anymore? Or have all those poison ivy-league professors completely brainwashed you?

You're always criticizing President Raygun and Senator Justa Helmethead, but I never see you attacking any of the

Democratic blandidates like Saltwalter Beachedwhale. President Raygun has given more workers permanent Few of my detractors have vacations since Herberf Hoover- ever experienced the niceties of Vacumncleaner, and he's slowly Soviet life like vodka, caviar, starving off all those poor Tolstoy and forced labor. Nor do beggars that always hassle you they see the advantages of the for a dime on the street. We killed Soviet political system. It saves eight PLO goats in our so much time and energy to have bombardment of Lebanon at the 10 generals select the Premier, loss of only 278 Marines. How can and the stipulation that the you say that this country is not · candidate be over 75 and in poor "Standing with gall?" health really helps to narrow

Get the facts right you worms. down the field.

Finally, the idea of the Soviets

The Russians are coming. The Russians are coming. The Russians are coming. The Russians are coming. The Russians are comi!l;. 'lbe Russians are coming. The Russians are coming. The Russians are comL:6. The Russians are coming. The Russians are coming. The Russians are coming. T"ne Russians are coming.

Raving Broyled

C.C. Dope Board ofMustees starting a nuclear war is absurd, .. _________ _.

This is in response to Raving Broyled, that go9(1 ole professor from Winston-Salem whose only. knowledge of foreign politics· comes from reading tb~ "Yadkinville Dispatch." How dare this . good Baptist porte~ any understanding of the Zi~t­cause.

Perhap.s if he'd seen the success of tlie bombing raids I flew on while in the Israeli air· force, he might reconsider his. criticism . of the need for new "space-age weaponry." With only· the aid of two H-bombs we . were singlehandedly able to wipe out the entire population of the Sabra and Shantilla refugee camps.

President Raygun and Gorge Lucas Schultz seem like the only men on earth who know how to stop Darth Vader Chrenko and his "Evil Empire." New weapons, new· missiles and better hockey players are the only way to stop the Russians.

H Americans· aren't willing to fight everyone's battles against the Commies that give Israe! th~ green light. At least we didn t have to evacuate Beirut by boat.

Dov Atari Visiting Video Games Lecturer

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~--------. . o opinion w lllsoever·---------The Ietterswritten by prmessor an--American." I <Jon't know how· :Therefore .we bave to be careful ·even Darth Vader became a good hero. Fraternities are ·a sign of

Dov- Atari and his student he ever figured out that. He theil . about our Euro'Pean allies. They guy. The whole world will be on the strength of America. Anyone minions· rev.~ai th~ . type of told me neyer to stop standing up · are in NATO, but you never know our side because everyone wants who wants to reduce the power of attitude that caused Wilt in America because it was a when they will freak out and join to be good and win. Several Of our fraternities is really trying to sap Chamberlain and the Los Angeles great place. Then. I gave him the C~ies. Half of Germany is friends in the Third World the awesome nuclear force of

.:Lakers to lose -the 19'/3 'NBA . some money and· he .w~nt off to already .Commie, who knows already understand ·this. American defence. · ::championship. ~lthough Wil~ ~e _liquor sto~ at the ·corner. when the other half will also tW'll Argentina, El Salvador, the I know that I have given you a ~ was gr~t 11e·· got :slack_ and.. Ever· siJ;tce that incident I hav~ red. · . Phillipines, and Israel (sorry loose analysis but I think it is : · wimped out ~ the big ·game.. done my . ~t . to serve my · w ~ ~v~ to build a stro~ Atari) ar~ .a~ little Darth V~ders true. Bill Beltbuckle summed up

When I was in Ger~any I met a· country. I will never forget the empire of our own. We can· call1t that have Jomed the good s1de of · my view last week on his show raged old. man lying on a street. wo~ds of the_ old maJ1. . the "Good · Empire." Then tbe the force. · "Bowling Lane" when he said c~r~er l~o~i~g·:. -~~prf!~S~~· I .. Europeans kn~--~e ~mmie5 . reallss~Jes, will be clear. to the My brothers at the f~t house "The one thing George Plimpto~ ~walked u~ to_,~nn and said -~Y better than we do~ At Ie_ast tliat,s -whol~ world J:f we ar~ the Good ·<whom I love dearly and have and .I agree on .is ~t there is . ar~ you ~~~?: Of cours!i!. ~ _SJ)Ok~ . what my-sister·tbe very dear and. Empll'e a~d· t6e Commies .are ~e made m~ the man that I am) all nothmg more beautiful than a -(l~~nt Ge~~ '_l'he .ol~ _·man .close friend ·•.of my -:family, Evil Empire then we will wm. agree w1th me. They always_say, Nantucket sunset." ~looked at me and:s_aid, "~ou_are Ainb~ssador clowny, tellS Die_:. Gooc:t'.always wins in the end, Ci~-you're the great American Civilian watchtower

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Aquire picks h·is final four

by Sad Aquire

SEATTLE, WA.- By the time you read this, four teams will be on their way to the final four in this rain-socked city. Only a rash man would attempt to predict what four teams that would be­but, hey, I'm rash and brave (and very well-paid too) so I'm going to take a shot at it. .

Okay, let's take it by regions -we'll start in the East (why they call it the East, when they play in Atlanta, is beyond me).

The TEAM here is obviously the North Carolina Tar Heels. The Heels have it all and lost more.

They have a great coach in Dean "The Man" Smith. They have more good players than Wake Forest has good-looking cheerleaders.

The main gun is everybodies' all-around favorite stud - Fickel Jordache. Then there's the aircraft carrier, the big man, the money man, ect. Slam Pekins.

Then there's freshman sensation Lenny Jones, who despite a late season injury will come on strong in the tourney. Then there's Mutt Dummy, who doesn't have much talent, but thinks he does,and that's ~ll that matters in this game, Then there's the big guy in the center, Cad Dotty.

What all this adds up to is an unbeatable combination. It's Miller Time again for the Tar Heels as they will win the title with no trouble.

There's really no need to go over the other regionals, since nobody else has a chance. But I get paid by the sentence, so I'm going to do it anyway.

Let's go out to the Midwest Regional now, but don't expect any upsets here. DePaul will win it all for their coach Fay Myher, and become the sentimental favorite of the whole country.

Now I know some people will disagree and say DePaul isn't that good and could be upset by the Deacons of Wake Forest, to

which I say hockey puck, I do believe it will be close, though.

Gazing into my crystal bail (actually I asked my bookie}, I see DeP3ul tying the game in.the last second and then winning in overtime on another last second shot. There won't be any celebrating on the Wake Forest campus after this one.

So tbere you have it folks, my final four. (Oh, you mean I still have two left to go?)

, Well, I have to be in Chapel Hill in an hour to teach a course in Journalism, so I'll have to make this quick.

Let's see, we've got two regionals left - the West and Midwest. In the West, I think it will be the Duke Blue Devils with their great coach Mike Krzysewskixyazwidsy, or however the heck you spell it.

They won't win it honestly however. Again consulting my crystal ball (actually the bartender on the "Welcome to Miller Time commercial") I see the Blue Devils resorting to some unethical tactics to win.

In the Midwest, I see Lefty's Terps taking home the cake (and eating it too). The big, bad Terps are on a roll and if they can keep all their players out of trouble <and I don't mean foul trouble) they should have no trouble.

Did I leave aut any boo~? No?. Okay, so that's my final four folks. But I -have to repeat, I have to repeat, it doesn't matter who the other three are because this is the year for the Tar Heels.

Whoever plays the Heels, Monday night, it's going to be a long night, a back up the bus, let's-get-the-heck-out-of-here night for the other team.

I have never been one to be shy or doubt my great predicting ability before, and I'm not going. to start now. So I'll go ahead and congratulate the North Carolina Tar Heels, the 1984 NCAA champions. And better luck next year to Wake Forest, Virginia and an those other losers.

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Looks approves· coliseum After many long years of waiting, the athletic . on to the bell. tower to accomodate the new vice

department bas finally approved plans for a new president. . coliseum~ 'l'he coliseum was appoved this ~orniug The coliseum will be built on land now known as by athletic· director Mean Looks ·and should be Reynold's · Gard~. "There ·was just too :much completed-"by tonighl intervisitati~n ·in ·the gardens for .the good- of the

The new facility will be named the Mean Looks university, so that seemed ·like the·Jogical place to· Memo~al Coliseum, or Gene's Gym 'for shOrt. put it,'.' Tem said: .. .

The Coliseum win cost approximately one billion. Looks said the decision was made to keep dollars.- Looks said the athletic department would · students from complaining abOut the long ride_ to bear ·the burden of the cost, by cutting fat out- of the·. .Greensboro. ·ae did admit, hoWever, that students budget. · mi~t complain about the _lack of. tickets. . "Unfortunately~ this means we will have to cut- . Only 100 student tickets 'Yill be .alloted in .the

out women's basketball, track, cross·coun~ry, golf, 50,000 seat arena. "We have to insure seats to an of tennis, field hockey and soccer," Looks said; "This our· great alumni and supporters who made the willresult in savings of at least $100 a year." · arena poSsible," Looks ~d; ' "not financially. of

Looks said no coaches would be fired as a result of course; but j'ust ·by being there.,. ·. . . this decision, however. ''They will simply be placed _ "Ye!>, I dO. expect· students to complain about the in another position. My gym, I mean the ticket shortag~. They can always find something to university's gym, will need lots of ushers and ticket fuss about," be said. "But they have to remember, takers." · our primary concern in this matter· was the

He did admit to this intrepid reporter that the students. We did not think they would mind a few coaches'· salaries would probably have. to be less tickets if they did QOt have to drive to increased. "Good ticket takers are hard to find," he Greensboro." said. · The manager of the Winslam Coliseum said he

The rest of the $999~999,900 will come from -an was happy to see the university building it's own increase in tuition. Looks said he had submitted a coliseum 'and not returniiU( to his broken down gym. plan to the treasurer's office that would raise tuition I've been tcying for years to get that team out of to $100,000 annually. here," he s~d. "We can make much more money on

· midget wrestling · and auto shows." That proposal will have to be approved by the He added the coliseum would not miss the $10.50

treasurer's office, th~ faculty athletic committee, rent Lake Forest paid for each game. the trustee athletic committee, the athletic counsel, Several Lake Forest basketball players were the institutional planning cominittee, the Board of contacted about their reactions to the new coliseum. Trustees, one_ student and Spike. "It's way . better · than Winslam Coliseum or

Looks said the proposal should have- no trouble Greensboro," center Keenan Peachey said. "Too clearing the committees. "Let's be honest," he said. bad I will not be there to enjoy it. I am sorry to see "Everybody knows those . committees don't do a the gardens go though." thing- who do you think really runs this university?, Others at Lake Forest are also sad to see the ~ asked with an evil grin. gardens destroyed and have decided to take action.

In a related matter, University president Kermit Square K has-announced plans for a massive sit-in Tern Jr. announced the hiring of a new vice ln the gardens this afternoon. president of tuition increases. "This was a very Looks said t~ would make no difference, the necessary position, and one that we must have if we bulldozers would proceed despite any protestors. "I are to continue to increase tuition every year." , d ' · d heddin bl

The Prez also said an annex would have to be built on t mm 8 . g any ood, sweat or tears for this, as long as it's not mine of course."

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,;, Terrorists attack· Spirits Anti-athletic department terrorists claimed responsibility this - Registrar Margo Leary said the notices would be se~t out in May in

morning for the bombing of a plane carrying Beacon Spirits to St. place of final grades. "Instead of a parent opening up the letter and · Louis, . . . · . . . seeing that -their son-daughter made an 'F' in IIistory of the South,

· The statement· was made in a phone call ~ this intrepid report~ at they will see--that their .son-daughter croaked back in March," I.ary the Obnoxious Go&sip and Blasphemy office. The ealler said simply explained. _ ''we done it," and identified himself as the leader~of the :anti-athletic _department.terrorist gn)Up,·:(AADTG). . · She said the debiy in sending out the notices was requested by the

Police and rescuew~rkers-were-still clearli.lig up tbebloody carnage . Treasurer's Office. this morning ~t- killed"•U·600 ~pirits aboard. Lake· Forest police "Final payments will be dUe before the notices are sent and_ this

dlief Alton Thrillkiii saic;lllie p~ne-blew up when a bomb,_ disguised. as office just: wants to make sure we receive our money before the a black and gold finger pom-pom, exploded-as the plane was preparing . parents find out their kids will not be back next year," treaslU'er I.

· to take off· · · · · · -. · · · Screw Yu said. "Of course~ we still refund all the tllition if the parents Thrillkill said there was. no doobt the bombiDJ was the )VOrk of the req~est it, af~~ we take out a $3,000 handling and servi~ fee."

· · .AADTG · "They're a bloodylot. 'J,"hey will go to auf extreme to see that Director of ·Housing Cunning Ed annouriced that the houSing office their goals are accomplished,"-he said · · -- would look very poorly on B~con SpiritS who did not check out of their

The AADTG. was formed _several ye~ ago to ·protest the athletic dorms before leaviltg. -''The hOusing contract iS for the entire year, . departments' insensitivity to· student ··concerns.- The group become and you just can't up and leave without signing out and following the more and more.militant following decisions such .as the buffer zone proper prqcedure for room check-out.'' .and the move to Greensboro. · . .

He added that' guilty parties wou).d be placed on low-priority housing When the BP;acon Spirits club was formed ear.lier this year, the next year. "What with all the Beacon Spirits and the Terrorists out, we

AAD:TG decided to wage all out war to prevent the club from cheering should have lots of dorm space next year," he said. ~'we may not even the basketball team on to victory. · have to build new, New dorm." · ·

. The AADTG had to go underground -when -athletic director Mean Looks vowed not to give intO the terroriSt's .demands that all the Looks ordered Thrillkill to send out execution squads to kill anyone hOme Lake Forest basketball games be retUrned to the Winslam caught without a pom-pom· at the basketball_ games. Coliseum. "We will not give into tbe demands of terrorists, or student!

Looks said in a prepared statement that "while the incident was .eitherfortbatmatter,aslonga.:slreign.'' ·unfortunate, the plane was heavily insured, so there was no real harm When pressed on the matter bY our intrepid.r~r, Looks shoved oone., He added that the insurance _money would probably be used to · ·him into a cess pool and was whisked away by mell'lbers of the athletic build a new athletic dorm next year. department secret seryice unit.

\ .

As io the loss. of 600 lives,_Looks stated, "Nf>, it's not really too bad, in yet another phone call to the OG&B office, a s~kesperson for the after all basketball season was almost over and we wouldn't have AADTGpromisedhisgroupwouldnotgiveupeitber. meeded them afterwards anyway."

Lake Forest president Kermit Tern Jr. announced he has takeri several steps to ·insure the perpetrators are apprehended. ·

ul llave appointed a new vice president for terr~ts and· student concerns," Tern said. "Also i have told the direc-tor or housing to place · terrorists on low priority housing.'' .

Tern said the task of notifying the Spirits' families had been tlD'Iled ()Ver to the registrar's 'office. ·

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"The athletic department can screw us in any way they want to­bad seats at Greensboro, home football games at Clemson, long bus rides, anything, it doesn't matter; we intend to ngbt for what is right-give us. games in Winslam or give us dea~." · ·

Looks has requested that t~ Beacon Spirits contribute money to th~ athletic department in lieu of flowers. "They wruld have wanted 1t that way," be said, "and pits it's tax deductable. '~ ·

Page 7 Wbat to do witb yOur old athletic pass:

-trade it with other collectors, -use it to draw very short straight lines, -collect enough to paper room with, · ·-prop, up uneven tables with a stack of them, -What color was the lW/9 spring pass? -use one to start a very small fire, -build a large card house with.

·them, .-use it to draw very small circles, -Purple, -try to sell it, -try to transfer it, -try to give it away, -try to throw it away, -watch it multiply with other old passes, -mate it with your girlfriend's, -use it to design counterfeit passes, -write the athletic department nasty notes on it, -use it to break into places with cheap locks, like the Pit, -use it to remember how to count to 36, .;try to figure out who has the number after yours, -play Trivial Pursuit with it -what numbers on the Spring 1984 pass were punched? -refuse to subject it to the policy of the athletic department, -transfer it and see if the athletic department confiscates it, -contemplate the· Deacon's 'face and try to figure out why he is staring_ at you, -stare back at the Deacon face.

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