V O L . 1 2 5

N O . 7 NCH Spot the rancor eight times in this issue, and email us for a

prize!

OCTOBER 26. 2011 • SINCE 1887 "NE H U M A N U S CREDE" "HOPE COLLEGE" • HOLLAND. MICHIGAN

Skaters mysteriously disappearing Princess Diana P R I N C E S S

Holland, Michigan: the second

happiest town in the country. O r is it? New informat ion

puts Holland's s tanding in the

happiness polls at risk. The skate park on the corner

of 10th and Columbia; which was recently bough t by H o p e

College and torn down, had at first created some controversy

be tween Hope s tudents and the fo rmer p a r k s regular skater

crowd. Things seemed to have

ca lmed down recently in spite of there still not being an open

skate park in Holland. At first, this may seem

promising; in such a happy town

people cannot stay angry for long. However, the reason for

the sudden calm is no t because

the skaters got t ired of harassing H o p e s tudents . It seems the

Holland Happiness C o m m i t t e e has very intentionally quieted

OUE TO THE CONDITION THE EQUIPMENT

PERMANENTLY CLOSE

A L L O W E D

LOCATED SMALLLENBUR6

things down. W h e n word of the unsett l ing

events caused by skaters on

'Phelps' food scandal Princess Diana P R I N C E S S

Last Sunday night, a H o p e College refrigerated t ruck

making a delivery to Phelps dining hall was pulled over and

searched after rising suspicions

about the na ture of the food served in the dining hall.

Ever since Hope s tudent Shirl Thorn ('15) received a

suspiciously thumb-l ike piece of

chicken in her burr i to last week, s tudents have been avoiding the

dining hall for fear of consuming someth ing never meant to be

eaten. Thorn, who has since

cancelled her Phelps meal plan,

said "1 don't know what they make that food out of, but I don't

really want to find ou t ei ther"

Hope's c a m p u s reached the city, there was immedia te distress

over Holland's posit ion as the n u m b e r two happiest city in

i h e country. This informat ion

was especially threatening to the prospect of moving up to

n u m b e r one.

Accounts of the story had

got ten so widespread that by Saturday, word had reached

the governor and the entire Michigan Senate and House of

Representatives. No t want ing

the health of young, promis ing s tudents to be threatened, the

Senate in formed the Michigan

State Police. No t until Sunday night , af ter

a long but ac t ion-packed car chase down 8th street , did the

State Police finally corner the

refrigerated t ruck and take the driver into t empora ry cus tody while they searched the back of

the t ruck.

SEE PHELPS, PAGE 2

With this unacceptable

si tuation at hand, the city has

decided to take action. The skaters have no t voluntarily

quieted down; they have actually been mysteriously disappear ing

f rom our perfect town thanks to the Holland Happiness

Commit tee . The city of Holland, in

order to preserve its image,

uses the Holland Happiness C o m m i t t e e to secretly relocate

any mischievous degenerates .

The removal of all skaters f rom Holland is now the city's n u m b e r

one priority. Any unsui table behavior in

Holland could result in a similar

fate. The city is serious about gaining the title of happiest

town in Amer ica and the t ra ined

assassins working for the Holland Happiness Commi t t ee

are willing to do anything to p rocure this highly-regarded

status. This si tuation makes it very

dangerous to be a skater living

in Holland. If you are a teenage boy in high school with a habit

of wearing skinny pan ts with

your Nike high- tops and hoodies

covering your overgrown, shaggy bedhead you should be on the

lookout at all t imes. It has also been suggested

that for safety reasons skaters should go incognito as Hope

s tudents , favorites of the city and therefore guaranteed to

be left alone by the Holland

Happiness Commit tee . A pair of khakis, a b u t t o n - u p shirt and

a "Hope" crew neck sweatshirt is all that 's needed to disguise

oneself as a wholesomely happy

"Hope student." Safety of Holland citizens

set aside, the big quest ion now in everyone's mind is how the

leakage of this news will affect the national happiness polls.

Removing the citizens who may

have brought the city down is not looked well upon by the

national happiness judges. Will

Holland now even be able to retain its longstanding posit ion

in second place?

The puppet master: Sammy to take control of'Hope' Rachel Dratch C O M E D I A N

After a recent investigation,

it has been conf i rmed that

President James Bultman is actually a f ront for the real

college president .

The owner of Sammy's s tores and nails, Sammy Samsonite ,

has actually been in control of Bultman. Samsonite has spent

the last 20 years secur ing his spot r unn ing H o p e College

in order to fu r the r his fu ture

plans. "Put t ing my stores and nail

salons everywhere in Holland was the first par t . Then I knew

I needed more . The next step was to take over H o p e College,"

Samsonite said. His goal in taking over

Bultman was to advance his plan for world dominat ion. He s tar ted with the stores and then

Bultman. He current ly is using Bul tman to bra inwash Hope

College s tudents . The s tudents suppor t his stores and fur ther

his money ring. All the money that he receives f rom the store

he actually uses to get closer to more powerfu l people.

Surprisingly, Samsoni te

actually controls o ther leading

Republican politicians including Gov. Rick Snyder, House

Major i ty leader Eric Cantor ,

and even presidential candidate

Rick Perry. "Once Perry is president the

next step is the Uni ted Nat ions . I am so close I can almost feel

it," Samsonite said. H o p e s tudents were

surprisingly unsurpr ised that this was happening on campus .

Betty Bayfield ('12) actually thought it made a lot of sense.

"I always wondered why they let Sammy's be so close;

now it makes sense. Samsonite

wouldn ' t want to walk to far f rom the president 's house to

get to his store," Bayfield isn't the only opinion

ou t there. Whi le in the minority, Gustoff Guido ('13) had no idea

this was happening. "This actually breaks my

hear t . I love Mr. Bultman.

1 don't think I can take this devastat ing news. I am moving

to Wash ing ton to find a vampire to convert me like in the book,"

Gu ido said. To cope with the recent

news the Board of Trustees

had an emergency meet ing.

The meet ing was held this past weekend to decide what

the next step would be. The Board decided that it was best

to remove Bultman f rom his

posit ion and n a m e Samsonite as the new president . It was also

convenient as Bultman was set to retire at the end of this year.

However, Samsonite won't be

wait ing till the end of the year to

take over. There is a ceremony

scheduled for Oc t . 31 in the

DeVos fieldhouse to initiate Samsoni te as the new president .

He will be given a c rown and scepter. Samsonite believes that

since this has worked ou t so well maybe he will cont inue to reveal himself as the controller

of many leading figures. "Let's be honest , 1 am clearly

no t a behind- the-scenes figure.

I love extravagant things. And n o w that this whole Hope

College takeover is going so

well, I think it is t ime to take credit for everything else I have

done!"

W H A T ' S INSIDE

N A T I O N A L I V O I C E S 6

A R T S 4 S P O R T S 8

E d i t o r s ' N o t e : The Ranchor is a product ion of a whole bunch of people with too much t ime on their hands. O u r goal is

to be funny, witty, and satirical. W h e t h e r or not we have succeeded. The Ranchor is a big fat joke. If you think this stuff is real, please call The Ranchor and we will c o m e and give you a wedgie. Any similarity to real life people is all in good fun.

The Ranchor S t a f f d P Pnlv ^nn loPizes for t h e lack o f Droprietv in our March 1 9 7 3 Issue. We orom.sp to Keep Q.r n ,

2 T H E R A N C H O R

u CAMPUS" O C T O B F R 2 6 , 2 0 1 1

Murder he wrote: English professor had secret life as serial killer T H I S W E E K AT H O P E

Thursday Oct. 27 Simon Says Competition

P i n e Grove 6 : 0 0 a . m . - 9 : 0 0 p . m .

Friday Oct. 28 Hope Faculty Dance-Off K n i c k e r b o c k e r T h e a t e r

8 : 3 0 p . m . - 1 0 : 0 0 p . m .

Saturday Oct. 29 Rave at the Bultmans! f r e e g l o w s t i c k s a l l n i g h t l o n g

Tuesday Nov. 1 Free Flu Shots Phi S i g Co t t age , b a s e m e n t

I N B R I E F

E L V I S A W A R D E D N O B E L

P E A C E P R I Z E

Professor Pennings' family

pet was recently awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for reconciling

difference between Pakistan and

Israel. The leaders of both states agreed that he was by far the

cutest dog they "had ever seen.

They realized that, while they may disagree on trivial things

like borders and government,

they have similar opinions on the important things-- likethecuteness

of Professor Penning's dog. They

spent a week cuddling him and playing fetch and were able to

work out their differences.

R O S E M A R Y A U D I T I O N S F O R

A M E R I C A N I D O L

Everyone's favorite lunch lady

recently traveled to Dallas. Texas

to try out for one of America 's most popular TV shows. Unfortunately,

Jennifer Lopez informed her that

she wasn ' t exactly "performer

material." Luckily for Hope students, Rosemary will not go

on to Hollywood and will still be

around to swipe ID's at Phelps. Better luck next time. Rosemary.

A N T F A R M S C A R E

OKE men called campus safety late Friday night after one

member ' s ants escaped from their

farm. Exterminators were called to the scene to remove insects,

but the boys insisted on staying

in a hotel the remainder of the week. "They just didn't want to

risk entering the house until they

were sure there wasn ' t any more danger," a source said. Thankfully,

the exterminators were able to locate each of the 47 pests and the

Praters returned to their residence

Monday afternoon.

Cameron Frye B E S T F R I E N D

Esteemed H o p e College professor Stephen Hemenway

has been arrested on 12 coun t s of manslaughter after

evidence was uncovered by groundbreaking investigative

repor t ing by a Ranchor journalist . The following is the

r e p o r t e r s first hand account of

the investigation, the n a m e of said repor ter mus t be withheld

for legal reasons. It all s tar ted as a normal

walk f rom my apa r tmen t to The Anchor office. I was walking

briskly th rough the large parking

lot just to the East of campus . As

I marched past the large green metal dumps te r s that occupy the

corner of the lot, I barely noticed

Professor Hemenway. But I did see him, and he was straining

to hoist a lumpy black plastic

garbage bag into the dumpster . I kept walking for a few

seconds , while my mind

processed what I had seen. It was the middle of the day, and there

was no one besides myself and

Professor Hemenway around;

it was a s trange si tuation. W h y did he need to use the dumpster ,

didn't he have a garbage can at

home? But 1 s topped , tu rned a round ,

and walked back towards the

professor. Looking up and

seeing me, he paused and then mot ioned for me to come

towards him. "Could you help

me with this?" He asked. I lifted up the very heavy

plastic bag, and quickly swung it above my head, into the dumpster . He thanked me and

I walked away. But as I walked,

I wonde red about what might have been in that bag.

Professor Hemenway seemed very nervous , and the bag was

bizarrely heavy. W h y wouldn ' t he want to use the garbage can

at his own house? Was he trying

to hide something? I looked back over my

shoulder and saw Professor

Hemenway driving away, after making sure the coast was clear,

1 jogged over to the dumpster , jumped up, and pulled myself

up and into the sea of t rash. I

couldn't believe what I saw.

Upon being th rown into the dumpster , the overs t re tched

garbage bag mus t have split

open, and sticking out of the r ipped plastic, was a pale h u m a n

hand. I lost my mind , and sprinted

away. The next day, after 1 had

recovered f rom drowning my hor ror in s t rawberry daiquir is

at the local ha rd-knock bar /

pizza place, I c ame to my

senses. I needed to report this to

someone, but what if Professor Hemenway knew what I was up

to, what if he came for me next? There was no telling what he was

capable of. And someth ing terrible

flashed into my mind. H o p e alum Michael Debowski, had

ment ioned to me that he would

be re turn ing to campus , and when he arrived, was planning

on mee t ing with Hemenway, his fo rmer professor. It was 5

p.m., Mike said that he would be

arr iving at 4:30. I spr inted to Lubbers , and

up the marble stairs. But I was too late. I saw a bloody Pirates

baseball cap and just behind it

was Dr. Hemenway holding a

bott le of bleach, cleaning up the

c r ime scene. "I figured that you might be

here," he mut te red . "You know,

Emily Dickinson wro te that , 'A

little madness in the Spring/Is wholesome even for the King.'"

"Well It's almost Halloween,

it's no t really Spri-" "You know, George Bernard

Shaw said that 'Life does no t

cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to

be serious when people laugh,'"

he said, cut t ing me off while

laughing manically.

"Do you collect creepy

quotes?" I asked, s tumbl ing up the stairs in Lubbers, as

Professor Hemenway advanced menacingly.

"You know. Steward Alsop wro te that , 'A dying man needs

to die, as a sleepy m a n needs to sleep, and there comes a t ime

when it is wrong, as well as

useless to resist.'" "Well you seem to be very

well read, but you'll never get away with this. Someone will

notice that I'm no t wri t ing for The Anchor anymore... maybe."

Suddenly, a figured appeared,

s tepping ou t of the shadows. "He's r ight Stephen, you won't

get away with this," President Bul tman said while raising an

ant ique .41 caliber Derr inger

pistol. "Campus Safety are on their way right now to take you

in. You've killed for t he last t ime

on my campus." "Curse you Bultman!"

sc reamed Hemenway.

After searching his house and the top floor of Lubbers,

C a m p u s Safety found more than

enough evidence to arrest the fo rmer English professor on

manslaughter charges.

What's in your food? • Phe lps , f r o m page 1

Their search led them not

only t o the answer of what our food is m a d e ou t of, but also

led to the exposure of a highly

organized c r ime scheme. As it

t u rn s out , what Hope s tudents

have actually been eat ing in Phelps dining hall is g round up

bodies. The town of Holland was the

perfect place for a plan of mass-murde r ing to take place. Being

the second happiest town in

the country , no one would ever suspect such central ized cr ime.

The only problem in the plan

was the disposal of bodies; the

mas t e rminds behind the plan, who wish to remain u n n a m e d ,

found that the Black River—

which was their first choice for

the d u m p i n g of bodies— was

already full. It was then brought to their

a t tent ion that there was a college c a m p u s in the middle of Holland,

where thousands of s tudents eat meals at a dining hall every day.

This was the perfect oppor tun i ty for the disposal of very large

n u m b e r s of people. Once tu rned

into food and served to H o p e s tudents , the bodies would be

completely untraceable. The s tudents of Hope, when

told the news, were astonishingly

unsurpr ised . "We never expected to get

good food in Phelps," said H o p e

s tudent Solomon Green ('14). "In fact, I'm a bit relieved to hear

it—1 expected someth ing even

worse."

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O C T O B E R 2 6 , 2 0 1 1 4 4 A'Vinux) THE RANCHOR 3

Gaddafi alive, sighted on "Hope's" campus Megan Stevens G U E S T W R I T E R •

To the surprise of the na-

tion, military intelligence on the whereabou t s of former Libyan

autocrat M u a m m a r Gaddafi ap-pears to have been proven incor-

rect. Gaddafi , long suspected to

have been hiding in "Zimbabwe," was spot ted last week on the roof

of "Hope" College's own "Nykerk Music Hall," eating raw squir-

rel and mumbl ing unintelligibly. "At first I thought it was a

Durfee boy," says the s tudent re-

sponsible for the initial sighting, which took place late last Thurs-

day evening. "It was mid te rm week, and we all know how crazy

they get dur ing October . But t h e n '

I saw he was wearing a dress and eating a cute little squirrel." The

squirrel, whose remains were not

recovered, made no c o m m e n t . The s tudent , who asked that

her n a m e be withheld for pri-

vacy, sounded the alarm, and within minutes of her discov-

ery s tudents and faculty alike

assembled themselves on the

PHOTO COURTESY OF NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM

SO CUTE YOU MIGHT PUKE- Squirrel , pre-Gaddafl.

sidewalk sur rounding "Nykerk,"

hoping to catch a glimpse of the

runaway Gaddafi , who was ap-parently dressed in a tradit ional

cloak. Many s tudents began to

climb into the sur rounding trees with their camera phones and

began a t t empt ing to record this

historic event on film in spite of the ever-increasing darkness.

"I wish he'd hold still," o n e

junior told us. "I've got about

fifty pictures and every one of them is b lurry or has people

in the way of the camera. But

look, you can kind of see his face in this one." Further exami-

nation of the picture showed

three elbows, an armpi t , and what appears to be the cor-

ner of a second camera phone ,

none of which has been con-firmed as belonging to Gaddafi .

In celebration of this m o m e n -tous occasion, the likes of which

has never been seen on the cam-pus of any college in the his tory

of America , an impromptu vic-tory mixer formed in the "Bowl."

The party cont inued well into

the night, until police were called in to break up a sponta-

neous NERF war. Whi le no ar-rests were made, a spokesperson

for the Holland D e p a r t m e n t

of Public Safety m a d e it clear that they held a strict policy.

"There are no mil i tants any-

where on campus , nor is Gad-dafi within the vicinity of Hol-

land. In fact, the N T C has. . . announced Gaddafi 's death," he

told the press. "Video and fur-

ther updates are available on-line at The Guardian's website.

...I repeat , Gaddaf i is dead and

no t on the Hope College C a m -pus." This s ta tement caused an

uproar among s tudents and faculty, who met near the flag-

pole to protest the HDPS's de-nial. "The report of [Gaddafi's]

dea th is greatly exaggerated,"

quipped one English professor. Still convinced of his pres-

ence, the s tudent body has ex-pressed an interest in cl imbing

to "Nykerk's" roof with intent to capture Gaddafi , t hough what

would be done with him in that event remains unclear. "We'd

take him and parade him th rough

the streets, I guess," responded o n e s tudent via Facebook, where many of the so-called "Nykerk

of the Living Gaddafi" pictures

remain posted. "We'd pose for some pictures with our nerf

[sic] guns. Then I guess we'd turn him in. We'll probably

make, like, a million dollars."

As of yet, no a t tempt has been made to recover Gaddafi. W h e n

asked his views on the cur rent sit-

uation, H o p e College President James Bultman responded, "We

don't do windows," then d o n n e d

a mili tary jacket and black head-band and ran f rom the room.

New iPhone's sweet, savvy voice to spearhead robot uprising, anarchy John Connor R O B O T S L A Y E R F R O M T H E F U T U R E

The new iPhone with its new technology is no th ing

bu t evil. You may not realize it yet, bu t "Siri," a p rogram that talks back to you, is the next

step in the robot uprising that

seeks to take over the world. "Your wish is its c o m m a n d "

is t he mot to for Siri, one of

the mos t anticipated IOS soft-ware for the iPhone. But how

sure are we that things will not be t u rned upside down, its

wish becoming our command? As we've seen, the technology

of this world is growing rapidly

and in ways we can never an-ticipate. It won ' t be long before

technology and machines s tar t a rebellion against their cre-

ators and take over t he world.

This new sof tware is just paving the way for the fu tu re mutiny.

Wi th a sweet, savvy voice, it might be doing what you're

telling it right now. But soon

enough it's going to turn against you and before you know it, this

new technology will destroy our m e a n s of communica t ion .

"So what?" you may ask.

Imagine being unable to call

your f r iends or family or even

the cops when you need them. It's going to lead to anarchy,

and that 's wha t Siri wants . W h e n all order has been lost

and you're whining abou t how your new iPhone doesn ' t obey

you anymore, you will realize

that it isn't just your c o m m u -nication but also your lifestyle

that has been compromised .

Almost all of us find Apple p roduc ts to be highly fascinat-

ing works of genius, and this is the very reason we should fear

all of them. Steve Jobs knew that someth ing with such superior

PHOTO COURTESY OF THIS IDIOT'S FRIENDS

INNOCENT FUN?— Whi le th is sc ient i f ic exper iment ap-pears to be ent i re ly In the exper imenter 's hands, the Image Is noth ing more than I l lusion. He doesn' t have It under contro l .

artificial intelligence would only lead to t rouble. N o w that he's

gone, h u m a n s have lost their p rudence and just want to junip

into what seems convenient .

In reality that 's the wors t

mistake we could make. Be-fore you know it, bl inded by

easy me thods to map your life,

you will no t even realize that

Siri is no t doing what it's sup-

posed to but wha t it wants to. Everyone's heard of the movie

"The Terminator," and that's ex-actly what our world will be like

in a shor t span of t ime. Machines and technology will over throw the h u m a n race and none will re-

main w h o can actually fight back.

If you only realize right now that a technology that talks back

to you and gives you advice

on what to do is super creepy, then this situation is avoidable.

But looking at the sales of the new iPhone, the fu tu re

seems lost already. All we can

do is hope for a dysfunct ional robot sent back through t ime

(just like Arnold Schwarzeneg-ger in "The Terminator") to

come to the rescue and s top this mass robotic movement .

We ourselves are the catalyst

for this movement and we are just too snobbish to realize it.

Media corruption: Zuckerberg declares no news source is safe Rachel Weisz F A M O U S A C T R E S S

There was a scandal in

the media world today when Facebook founder Mark

Zuckerberg announced that all media, f r om television

to the Internet , is cor rup t . He allegedly repor ts that

big media syndicates are ou t to manipula te the populat ion

th rough the popular press. Everything has been touched

by their corrosive influence. Music has been revealed

to manipula te our opinions and hand us our prejudices

and biases. For instance, Jus-tin Bieber's cont inued exis-tence as a musician is clearly

the work of an over-funded, under-educated conspiracy

plot to convince 5-year olds to buy socks and lunchboxes.

Chillingly, 40-year-old,

PHOTO COURTESY OF GOOGLE

RELIABLE— Jimmy Wales and his mi l l ions of In ternet f r iends w i thou t Ph.D.s are clearly experts In the i r f ields.

middle aged housewives have reportedly fallen under the

sway of this delusion as well.

Television gives us unbal-anced news and neglects to

repor t absolutely everything

that is happening in the world. The BBC is part icularly to

b lame for their mispronunci -at ion of basic English words,

as well as for their propaga-tion of the improper spell-

ing of all words employing the letter "o" such as "color"

Their "ou" campaign ("co-lour") is nothing shor t of an

a t tempt at wor ld dominat ion . Careful analysis by ex-

per t s has demons t ra ted that advert isers are blatantly lying

to us, like someone straight off the set of "Mad Men."

Movies have also been

shown to mislead every gen-erat ion of our populat ion,

resulting in a massive crop of 20-something females

who think if they have the right

clothes and lie to their parents

their pr ince will find them. Television shows are equally

to b lame for misguiding our

youth. More than 87% of "Fu-turama" watchers actually be-

lieve that Santa is an evil robot ou t to kill everyone on Christ-

mas. (Wrong kids, Santa does no t advocate killing.) Retir-

ees are no t safe either - over half of all "Jeopardy" "correct"

answers are actually false. The In ternet has spawned

a whole new way of man ipu-lating the world's populat ion.

It allows space for an infinite a m o u n t of informat ion, mean-

ing that users can find a source that suppor t s them in any as-sert ion, no mat ter how false.

Additionally, a rumor spread by word of mou th , mainly

the mou ths of cor rup ted pro-fessors, has hopelessly con-fused the t ru th about Google

Scholar versus Wikipedia.

The closed, peer-review

system in place to screen ar-

ticles that will appear th rough Google Scholar does not al-

low for adequate input in the evaluation process, meaning

that Wikipedia's free and open post ing policy allows for great-

er accuracy. Statistics report that fully 98% of all statistics found on the Internet have actu-

ally been m a d e up on the ^pot. Newspapers are reportedly

the wors t offenders . Accord-

ing to our sources, their writ-ers shamelessly make up facts,

neglect to check their sources, assuming they have any, and

have been known to record in-terviews that they hallucinated while on a week-long strike

against sleep. They have even oc-casionally at t r ibuted their shod-dy work to famous actresses.

N o news source is safe.

4 T I IF RANCHOR "ARTS 99

OCTOBER 26 , 2011

ATTENTION! Aliens in disguise have been dropping by the surrounding area. Halloween is a prime time for aliens to pick up new host bodies.

Most often they come dressed as girls in skimpy Halloween outfits. Men, prepare yourself against their charms! And as always, remember to double tap.

Mat Kearney: talented musician and devil dealer? Ren Stevens F O O T L O O S E A N D F A N C Y F R E E

Born and raised in Eugene, Oregon, Mat Kearney's high

school years were spen t paint-

ing, playing soccer and wri t ing

poetry. He picked up a guitar for the first t ime in college. First

covering other songs, Kearney

realized he wasn' t very good at

it. Kearney was more interested

in partying and trying to fit in at

his school (he requested his col-lege's n a m e no t to be men t ioned

in this article so I obliged - but

you can look it up on Google in

under two seconds). Af te r devot ing more t ime to

his guitar playing and focusing

on his mad rap skills, he start-ed to pe r fo rm in coffee shops

and ea rned a few bucks. As fate

would have it, Kearney met Rob-ert Marvin , soon- to -be produc-

er, and the two of them moved

to Nashville, Tennessee. " W h e n we pulled into Nash-

ville, we slept in a school parking lot for th ree days until we finally

rented this apar tment where the

roof was caving in and mice were

crawling all over," Kearney said.

After recording a few d e m o s with Marvin , Kearney realized

he wanted to stay in Nashville

and try to make it in the music

world. But h o w did he reach his

cu r ren t level of fame? His band

member s , his closest fr iends, insist his rise to fame is due to

hard work and a naturally pow-

erful singing voice. "Mat has always had a soulful

voice. Girls have been swooning

over him since he was in college

singing his hea r t out at coffee shops," leremy Lutito, Kearney's

d rummer , said. But Daniel James, Kearney's

keyboardist , let someth ing slip dur ing his interview.

"Thanks to Meiko, Mat's lev-

el of f ame really skyrocketed,"

James said. Upon fur ther quest ioning,

Kearney's band mate declined to clarify his previous s ta tement .

Meiko, an Amer ican singer, o p e n e d for Kearney back in 2007

when he m a d e his first appear-

ance at "Hope College." Since

then, she has fallen off the map. Her music career seems to have

hit a roadblock after her "Hope"

debut on Oc t . 8, 2007.

After pour ing

over classified doc-

umen t s for weeks, my labor ious re-

search p roduced

a start l ing result. According to a file

marked T O P SE-

CRET-STAY OUT, a T M Z interview

with Marvin re-

veals the secret to

Kearney's success. After a hard

night of partying

with Kearney and the band, a highly

intoxicated Marvin

told a T M X repor t -

er on the streets of "Holland" that

Kearney offered a

sacrifice to Satan in exchange for f ame

and for tune.

"Oh, you know. reached s ta rdom like every oth-

er p o p star. He made a deal with the devil," Marvin said.

Undernea th the i m p r o m p t u

interview with Marvin , I found a copy of a copy of the deal

which reads: "I, Ma t Kearney,

agree to sell the soul of Meiko,

PHOTO BY A N O N Y M O U S C E L L PHONE USER

SIGNING AWAY HIS SOUL— Kearney caught mak ing the deal af ter his per formance at Hope In 2007.

Mat has

in exchange for an everlasting deal with Aware Records (dated

10/8/07)." Fans w h o argue that Kearney

does not sing about violence, re-

volt, drugs , the Antichris t or sex

have clearly never listened to his records backwards. These Sa-

tanic messages are clearly t rans-

mi t ted when listened th rough

backmasking. As a result of this recent dis-

covery, Kearney has been banned

f rom re turn ing to "Hope's" cam-

pus. Kearney's rep declined to

c o m m e n t on the story.

The legend of 'DePree' uncovered at last Jack Rlpner P R I V A T E E Y E

Editor's note: This uncom-

pleted article was found taped to a back door of the "Mar tha Mill-

er Center." The au thor remains

unknown.

In keeping with the Hallow-een spirit on campus , gossip

amongs t s tudents has tu rned to-

the supernatura l . If these r u m o r s are to be believed, there is, qui te

literally, a ghost in the gallery.

According to a Physical Plant secretary, flickering lights and

creaking floorboards in the

empty halls of the "DePree Art Center" were repor ted early last

week. Student employees sent in

were unable to locate the cause of these phenomena , and to be

safe, the plant called electr icians and building inspectors who

also found nothing of any real

interest . "We sent in a total of th ree

electricians and two building

inspectors," said the secretary.

"Four of the five told us the A r t

Cente r ' was in excellent shape for its age." The fifth profession-

al, it seems, wandered inadver-tently into the crowded women's

res t room and hasn't been heard

f rom since. Shortly after the initial in-

spect ion, the so-called para-

normal activity escalatcd.

S tudents began to report

missing art supplies, doors found curiously ajar

long after the building had

been locked up, and shut-ters opening and closing

on the paint ing s tudio

skylights. "We really are afraid

for our lives," r epor ted

an art history major. "But I've got it worked out . The

ghost is just hungry, see?

So if we w a n t to survive we just have to sacrifice

an English major. Simple,

yet simple."

As of yet, "Hope Col-lege" has m a d e no act ion

against the "ghost," and to date no declared English

majors seem to be miss-

ing. However, it seems that

"DePree" has a history of

intrigue behind it. Ac-

cording to the Oc tobe r

1991 issue of the Holland Sen-tinel, the gallery was the site of a grisly death. The Sentinel does

not delve deeply into detail, but

s tudent lore offers several inter-

esting takes on the story. Mos t agree that the murder

was of one Amelia Rose, a work-

study docent du r ing an inter-

collegiate art compet i t ion on

"Hope's" campus . The story goes that Amelia

was working a later shift in the al l -but-empty building when she

suddenly heard an odd noise, de-scribed in mos t versions of the

story as being a cross be tween

a cow and a tailgating party. Amelia, apparently, thought the

sound was a train until such t ime

as the lights

went out and she found the

gallery doo r

t o be locked. It had been

locked, the stories say, by

a maniac serial

killaf who then

proceeded

skin alive an

her skin wall. She

found t h e r e in the stilWocke

room, a by the c o m

tit ion

the next mor ing and, legend

has it, brought h o m e an Hon-

orable M e n -

tion. This version

PHOTO LEAKED BY CAMPUS SECURTTY C A M E R / ^ J S only an ur-

ban legend, in no way suppor ted

PS. If you don't cut out this

article and resubmi t it to ten more newspapers in the next

th ree hour$ you will heai^ln o d d

noise and Amelia Rose wifl conic and find y(fu' fand skin yol^anve

and hang you up on the wall of

"DePreeT, You imav n o t believe

me, but—

by any local papers (indeed, the

Sentinel implies that the victim was an artist in the compet i t ion ,

crushed to dea th by her own ill-balanced abstract sculpture),

bu t many more superst i t ious

s tudents point out that the mur -der took place exacdy ten years

ago this month .

T H E R A N C H O R 5

Former pageant king strives to be mediocre Michelle Kwan F E A T U R E S E X T R A O R D I N A I R E

According to n u m e r o u s "Campus Safety" repor ts filed

over the past few weeks, flocks of paparazzi and lovestruck

girls have taken to the streets

of "Holland."

in a picture-snap-

ping frenzy. At the center

of this hysteria,

junior Shawn O'Crat ty has been

identified. Whi le

multiple a t t empts to interview the

illusive O'Crat ty

have been thwart-ed, former fr iend,

Justin Moscowski,

has reached ou t to The Ranchor with

an inside look at

this madness . M o s c o w s k i

takes us back to 1995, when life was good and the Power - Rangers were still

dope. It was August 19 when the

highly es teemed "Mr. Four Year Old" crown was placed a top the

beaut iful head of four-year-old

Shawn O'Cratty. The Mr. Four Year Old pagent

reached its height in the 90s, and in t he year of 1995, was nat ion-

ally ranked as the mos t -watched

beauty pageant in America . Moscowski, who received the

title of Mr. Congeniality, said that he was able to mainta in a

normal , healthy lifestyle post-pageant . He at t r ibutes this

healthy transi t ion back into an

average chi ldhood experience to a loving, support ive family and a

humble heart . If this t ransi t ion was so easy

for kind-spir i ted Moscowski, where did it go w r o n g for Shawn

O'Crat ty? How did our nation's

All Amer ican Boy fail so miser-ably at becoming a wholesome

adult? A look at his life post-Mr.

Four Year Old, might provide an answer to this key quest ion.

Two average hippies living in Hero, Ind, saw their son as a way

ou t of their dreary smal l - town life and into the big leagues of

5 things to know about Shawn O'Cratty

1. Hometown: Hero, Ind. ^

2. Major: Ceramics

3. Future Goals: Attend University of Colorado at

Boulder (known for its pottery) for his masters in

Myan ceramic history.

4. Is allergic to Zyrtec

5. His winning talent for Mr. Four Year Old was

baton twirling.

Iowa. "All we wan ted to do was

provide our little Shawn with

a life that we never had," said

Patches and Jazzerus O'Cratty. "Everyone was always telling

us what a beatiful young m a n Shawney was tu rn ing into ... we

thought we might as well profit

off of that beauty. "We s tar ted off small, enter-

ing little Shawney in the local

fair beauty pageant . After he

took h o m e the first place trophy, we decided to enter h im in the

Mr. Four Year Old pageant . W e were confident he would win,"

the O'Crat ty 's said.

After Shawn's big win, the O'Crat ty 's packed up their be-

longings and relocated to Pella, Iowa. According to Jazzerus,

the rest of Shawn's early child-

h o o d was filled with JC Pen-ney television commercia ls and

Kmar t model ing gigs. Unfor-tunately, all good things mus t

come to and by the t ime Shawn

O'Crat ty had en tered the sixth-

grade, he had cracked. Lottie Canyon, a s ixth-grade

teacher at Pella Middle School, recalls O 'Cra t ty as a "spoiled

t rouble-maker with no potential to succeed. He was the center of

a t tent ion always being

chased by the girls. He never

applied h im-

self in class." Whi le the

exact t u rn -ing point in

O ' C r a t t y ' s

life canno t be p i n p o i n t e d ,

s o m e w h e r e

be tween mid-dle school and

the t ime he

entered col-lege, O 'Cra t ty

t r a n s f o r m e d

f rom a strik-ingly beaut iful young m a n into

an average-looking teenager.

In the fall of

2009, bo th O'Crat ty and

M o s c o w s k i entered their

f r e shman year at

"Hope College." O 'Cra t ty resid-

ed in "Wycoff" and Moscowski in "Phelps." But fate had its way

with them and the two reuni ted on the first day of their under -

water basket-weaving course. "I barely recognized O'Cra t ty

when he walked ou t of the locker room," said Moscowski . "He was

hideous." Af te r two years of watching

O'Cra t ty sit in his do rm room

playing Age of Empires while eat-ing Funyuns, Moscowski alerted

celebrity blogger, Perez Hilton of

O'Crat ty 's whereabouts . Despite his best efforts , Moscowski fi-

nally realized he needed to stage an intervent ion of sorts . "I knew

that in order for Shawn to be-

c o m e beaut iful again, he needed to be reminded of his roots . He

needed to be con f ron ted with the images of his past and shown

that there is a br ight hope for his

future." O'Crat ty 's renewed celebrity

s tatus reaf i rmed his desire to be

average looking. As a charitable effort , O 'Cra t ty founded the

nonprof i t organizat ion "Beauti-ful Men in [disguise]. Through

non-plast ic surgical means, BMI

t r ans fo rms beaut iful people into average people. Afterall,

life is all about be-ing average.

At a very early age, Patches and Jazzerus knew the i r son was dest ined for greatness.

Short ly af ter en ter ing middle school, Shawn O'Cratty be-gan his t rans format ion f rom Pageant K ing to Average Joe.

> i t * . > - i k

Mr. Four Year Old, an American tradition

This t radi t ional and loved pagean t began not

long af te r " A m e r i c a " w a s founded . T h o m a s Jef fer -

son initiated the pagean t to p romote na t iona l i sm

a m o n g ci t izens of our newly es tabl ished country.

Or ig ina l pagean t contes tan ts w e r e j u d g e d on their

bes t non-Br i t i sh accents and t ea -was t ing skills.

Today, the pagean t centers on contes tan ts ' v isual

appeal and un ique t a l en t -pe r fo rmance ability.

S o m e j u d g m e n t ca tegor ies for beauty include " H a i r

Texture ," "Smi l e -Dazz l e , " and " W i n k i n g Power . "

In recent pageants , contes tants h a v e displayed a

s tunning spec t rum of ta lents to w o w the judges .

Past winn ing ta lents include sword jugg l ing , shad-

ow puppetry , mind reading, and of course wild

buf fa lo taming . By Sunny Chips

Paparazzi camp outs ide of "Lubbers Hal l" in hopes of snapp ing a picture of the no-t o r i o u s Shawn O'Cratty.

Other well known BMI participants

iar i " \ >

17 Alan Ruck, best known for play-ing Cameron on "Ferr is Buel ' ler 's Day Of f . " entered BMI af ter c rack ing under the pres-sure to be both beaut i fu l and hi lar ious.

» i w

Mulan entered into BMI af ter d iscover ing she cou ldn ' t live up t o the high pressures of be ing a beaut i fu l Disney princess.

u

6 T I N : R A N C H O R VOICES 99

O C T O B E R 2 6 , 2 0 1 1

Apparition threatens tradition Aud Ear

Conspireditor 'Bfi 1

was a

c r i s p F a l l

day in

1 9 5 6

at the " P u l l -

be tween the f r e shmen and sophomores when

the rain poured down and f looded the pi ts with water. H i e medics and judges were con-

cerned, but the pullers begged to cont inue. As the call sets rang out into the river and

the woods , the m u d seeped into the pullers'

pores . The hust le of b o t h sides trying to stop the rope f rom falling vict im to the adverse

weather condi t ions masked w h a t was really

going on. Suddenly the O d d Year t eam looked closer

and realized their Pit #1 puller was missing!

The flood, no t the o the r team, had pulled him

into the river. Sources are inclusive as to what happened post- incident ; the only conclusion

m a d e is that bo th t eams decidedly swept the

incident unde r the rug to avoid the t e rmina-

tion of the tradit ion. His moraler didn't have

Let's all transfer

any c o m m e n t on the matter, t hough I saw a

tear in her eye when ques t ioned about the

tough subject . Since that fateful day, wei rd events have oc-

cur red in Black River a round Pull day every year. O d d Year mora le r Paula N r o p e claimed

to see an appari t ion lying on the rope in the middle of the river. "Every t ime the appari t ion

heaved. Odd Year took more rope than I'd ever

seen them take before. . . ! am convinced he is

the only reason we keep winning." it is unclear why Even Year has w o n with

the u n k n o w n ghost puller on Odd Year's side. Even Year Pull Coach Ivan Appel had this to

say on the topic: "We've had secret seances

at the pits, mos t recently in 2009 and 2005. It seems the appari t ion just wan t s to pull, so in

those years we invited him to pull with us no t

in river, but on our side. It worked, but he has since t u rned against us." Sources say the ap-

pari t ion is partial to the mohawk hairstyle and

black make -up and hey, can you blame h im? Alake no mistake, Aud has absolutely no

bias towards either the Odd or Even Years.

Squirrel talk H a r m o n y

Smalles ^onspirolumnisl

r One of my friends at Yale Uni-

versity bragged on his Facebook status, "just got a new app. now I \ can understand squirrel-talk, (this is

NOT a joke!) ." With a few clicks of

the mouse, I found an online article that discusses a new Smartphone app that translates Bushitayle, or squirrel language, to English.

Apparently, squirrels are putting on an elaborate act with their spastic

acorn-hunting routine. They are not only intelligent, but they know ways to cheat the system and beat The Man. You're probably reading this article

with a critical eye. thinking something along the lines of. "that app doesn't exist! None of my friends have it." Well, none of your friends at "Hope"

have it. That 's right "Hope" College, we are being censored from download-

ing the app that could give us insight to a whole new world. You wonder

what, exactly, we are missing. Here are a few things that I heard through the "acorn vine" about some revolutionary Bushitayle conversations that

happened in our very own "Pine Grove. ' ' Here are some tidbits that will

revolutionize your life:

TO PRESERVE THE INTELLECTUAL SAFETY OF STUDENTS.

THE REMAINDER OF THIS ARTICLE HAS BEEN CENSORED DUE

TO RIDICULOUS CONTENT THAT COULD DAMAGE IMPRESSION-

ABLE IMAGINATIONS.

Sammy Sketch Conspirolumnist

T h i s

s u m m e r

m a r k e d

a change at "Hope

" C o l l e g e .

Ever since o n e of the

worst tragedies in college history, when a few trees in the Pine Grove fell over in a s to rm, we have been unable

to find our roots . I hear s tudents asking many quest ions and a c o m m o n o n e lately has been "Why am I still at

'Hope'?" There seems to be a t rend of s tuden t s feeling discon-

nected with Hope 's identity. Maybe we lack in identity

here at "Hope" because there is no th ing to latch onto. Even our tradit ional events seem to be lackluster. I

heard there were so few people at the "Pull" that each

side could hear the other whisper ing. That 's really just

a r u m o r though because I don't actually know anyone

w h o went . I do know that there are less than 20 girls do-

ing "Nykerk Song" this year because I saw the coaches

begging girls and boys alike in Phelps to join. But those are jus t symptoms . The real issue starts in

Attract ions. I f requent ly hear s tudents say their lunch

hos t told t h e m they could be anyone or anything at "Hope." They said everyone was welcome on campus

regardless of background or experience. W h e n stu-den ts arrived on campus , they found ou t this wasn't

exactly t rue. S tudents g rouped in cliques and excluded each o the r or they felt everyone was so different that it

became impossible to make a fr iend. The new Attract ions websi te isn't helping either. The

old website direly needed a facelift but at least people

could navigate it. N o w all I see when I go to the new site are large pic tures of s tudents I don ' t recognize and the

words "Live It Learn it Love it" which only makes me

want to go to Colds tone for ice cream. It doesn ' t tell me

anything about what "Hope" is as an institution. Are we a Chris t ian school or not? If so, why are there

d runk Geek life m e m b e r s in class and why did my class-

es get canceled so we could talk about Islam? If not, why do I feel like I'm ostracized for not going to chapel

or praying before I eat in Cook? W h a t I really want to do is have a discussion about

some of these issues. Apparently "Hope" is N o t Ready to talk about anything of significance. W e can dress up

a pig and put lipstick on it, bu t it's still a pig. Plant more t rees if you want , bu t there are bigger issues and no t ev-

eryone is willing to stick ou t the fight. O n e reasonable solution is to just t ransfer and go someplace where the

school's identity is rooted and anchored in someth ing

wor th believing in. Sammy doesn't like trees. It would be better if shrubs

were on our campus instead of tall oaks and pines. Less

trees equals less squirrels.

LETTERS TO THE "EDITOR" VOICES OF "HOPE"

Dearest Editor, I am concerned that Moodle is

an evil device meant to manipu-late students and slow suck away

our souls. Sincerely,

Moodleless Noodle

Dear Editor, Hasn't anybody else noticed

those weird people runningaround

on brooms behind DeVos? Fairly certain they're part of some kind

of freaky witch cult thing. Looks violent, someone should probably

let Campus Safety know. - A Concerned Student

Dear Editor, I'm pretty sure that the event

on the "racist, deplored poster" put up in Kollen last year was

just a hoax to make Greek Life look bad. I don't think the rush

event actually took place, and I

have my ideas that the KKKfra-ternity does not actually exist.

Sincerely,

Sue Spicious

Dear Editor, I've come to believe that Presi-

dent Bultman is not actually

retiring, but becoming the head-master at Hogwarts. He has a fondness for dragons and Mrs.

Bultman has a charming chicken

patronus. Please look into this. Are there any Hogwarts visitation

days coming up? Sincerely,

Luna Lovegood

Dear Editor, Rumors have been released

about "Hope" College's top cross-

country runner Nate Love. Love, a senior and co-captain on the team, was born in Michigan, but

sources are saying his father took a job in Ethiopia when Love was two years old. Love and his fam-ily spent ten years in Ethiopia,

where Nate was required to run

to school each day and where he participated in running clubs with several of Ethiopia's rising running stars. These breaking ru-

mors, if proven true, could be why Love has garnered mass amounts

of success in both cross-country and track at Hope. Love has not

yet commented on the subject. Sincerely,

Loveless Fan

REFER TO PAGE 7 FOR MORE "LETTERS"

1 ! ! ! A N C H O T L

C a m e r o n Frye EDITOR-is-Cmtf

Zoocy D e s c h a n e l EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

Twiggy CAMPUS CO-EDITOR

Priness Diana CAMPUS CO-EDIIOR

Eva Amurri PHOTO EDITOR

J o e H a r d y WORLD Ntm CO-EDITOR

M a y a G a l o WORLD NL\H CO-EDITOR

K i m K e l l y ARTS CO-EDITOR

L i n d s a y W e i r ARTS CO-EDITOR

M u l a n FEATURES EDITOR

2 0 0 9 S P R I N G S E M E S T E R S T A F F

Amy Poehler SENIOR SPORTS EDITOR

Jesse Eisenberg ASST. SPORTS EDITOR

Kristen D u n s t VOICES EDITOR

Karen Fillipelli WEBMASTER

M a j o r W i n t e r s BUSINESS MANAGER

Kelly Kapoor ADS MANAGER

Angela Mart in COPY EDITOR

Luna L o v e g o o d COPY EDITOR

Pam Hal pert COPY EDITOR

Jan Levenson C O D EDITOR

Erin H a n n o n STAFF ADVISER

Holly Flax SENIOR SjAffWuTER Jim Halper t STAFF WRITER

Andy Bernard DISTRIBUTION MGR.

OCTOBER 2 6 , 2011 VOICES T H E R A N C H O R 7

Lurk-Chapel Dr. Zooes

Conspirhapla in

O n a d a r k , da rk n ight ,

D u r i n g t h e s ea son of t h e apple,

1 w a n d e r e d o n h o m e

Past t h e Lurk -Chape l .

M a n y d o n o t know,

The h o r r o r s I have seen ,

Walk ing by t h e Lurk -Chape l

W h e n t h e grass is no t g reen .

M o s t of t h e Z o o d e n t s a d o r e

This L u r k - C h a p e l t hey see.

M o s t Z o o d e n t s agree

It's a place t o be f ree .

A n d I'll tell you ,

I'll tell you h o w this c a m e to be .

The L u r k - C h a p e l is a f ine, d a n d y place.

It has lo ts of grace, lo ts of tas te , lo ts of space .

Eve ryone makes t o i ts way in a has te .

Its tall cast le t o w e r s r each u p t o t h e sky

I ts r a i n b o w w i n d o w s run a mi le h igh

N o o n e w o u l d ever w a n t t o say g o o d b y e

So why, d o y o u ask, why in h e a v e n s w o u l d I?

But I'll tell you . This L u r k - C h a p e l is t h e h o u s e of a killer!

It 's a ghost ! It's a haun t ing !

It's a fang! It's a chiller! W a l k i n g pas t th is p lace is like a H i t chcock thri l ler!

In t h e day. The L u r k - C h a p e l is as b r igh t as t h e sun .

As h a p p y as dais ies , as g o o d as The O n e .

All Z o o d e n t s k n o w th i s is a place to have f u n .

But at n ight , t h e f u n h a s jus t b e g u n .

The t o w e r s t u r n pointy, like a cast le o r a cave.

The w i n d o w s g r o w black like s h a d o w s in a grave. '

The wal ls s ta r t d r i p p i n g da rk rain in a wave.

Black c rea tu res lu rk a r o u n d i ts c r e e p i s h sight .

Scu r ry ing t o eat any flesh they c a n bi te

R u n n i n g in m a d n e s s , r u n n i n g in fr ight!

There 's n o o n e a r o u n d , b u t you c a n feel eyes s t a r ing

F rom t h e m u r k y w i n d o w s , t h e s e eyes t h a t are g la r ing

Scan t h e t o p of you r head t o t h e s h o e s y o u are w e a r i n g .

Rust les f r o m t h e t r ees e c h o t h e w i n d .

Leaving a n eer ie feel ing of s in

C a u s i n g b u g s to c r e e p b e n e a t h your skin.

H o w hor r id ! H o w ter r i fy ing! H o w wicked! H o w gr im!

This o n c e - f r i e n d l y place w h e r e I a lways r e t u r n .

G r o w s evil at n igh t w i th a fear tha t will b u r n

A hole in you r s t o m a c h , o r you r b o d y to an u rn .

D o no t forget t he se grave t h ings tha t y o u l ea rn .

R e m e m b e r , g rea t Z o o d e n t s , t h a t th is is t h e place,

The place t h a t will leave a s m u g look o n your face

A n d tell you lies in t h e sun, p l ead ing i ts case.

But d o no t be d e c e i v e d — n o .

D o no t fol low your f r iend!

W h e n asked a f t e r class if you ' re go ing to a t t end!

For y o u k n o w be t t e r—yes .

You k n o w t h e t r u t h in th is shapple!

Tha t o n a da rk , dark n ight .

D u r i n g t h e s ea son of t h e apple,

To b e w a r e t h e evils tha t lie ins ide the Lurk-Chape l .

Mysterious masquerade I am currently in a communica t ions class and we are

doing a project that entails searching through the news-

paper archives. M y professor gave us access to some

of the oldest versions of The Anchor , and an article I

s tumbled upon caught my eye and I hoped to share it

with the current student body.

The article detailed the most epic prank that s tudents

have pulled off at " H o p e " College. On October 31st,

1937 (ten years after Dimnent was comple ted) stealth-

ily-clad conspirators snuck into the chapel at nightfall .

They shoved the pews against the per imeter of the cha-

pel, creat ing an expansive, open floor space.

At midnight, students began making their way to the

chapel because they had all been myster iously invited.

The masterminds behind the event had planned an

elaborate but secretive Hal loween Masquerade Ball . Stu-

dents c ame in cos tume and participated in 1 i vely ba l lroom

mg

the

Pierre Midnight Co-

Conspirhaplain n c -

on

wide

o p e n

floor. A live band per formed waltzes and tangos f rom the

stage, and an abundance of flickering candles provided

the only lighting. Sounds like a fairytale, does it not? I had trouble be-

lieving it myse l f , but the student w h o wro te the report

firmly attested its t ruth. By 3am. the dancing came to a

close and all the party-goers assisted in reestablishing

D imnen t ' s tradit ional layout. The candles were snuf fed

and guests traipsed home in small groups.

A chaplain found a forgotten m a s k dur ing the fol-

lowing service, but that was the only evidence ever

discovered about the secret masquerade ball.

LETTERS TO THE "EDITOR" CONTINUED

Dear Editor, I know it's true, I have proof. "Hope" College leveled the

skate park to cover up their removal of the skateboarding kid who punched a "Hope"

student. I think they took his friends too. They destroyed the park overnight for a rea-

son. If you don't believe me, they've tricked you. His name

was Steve, I saw a Campus "Safety" van pull up, tackle the kid, and throw him in

the van. Campus Safety, psh, more like the Masons. Read my blog, there is proof of the Masons running the country. It's on our money! For proof

of the murder, talk to me. I live on one of the benches in Centennial Park, if you're in

a Campus Safety shirt, I'll shootfirst and loot your body

later. -Biff

Dear Editor, I swear to you, the other day, I saw a squirrel. And it just stabbed another squirrel. Killed it dead. Right in front

of me. It's not funny, I think they're going all militant or something. They are going to

start attacking "Hope" stu-dents next, they don't care. They'll attack you for your ice

cream cone. They won't even blink. Mo regard for the sanc-

tity of life. We don't stand a

chance. -Stefanie Bripp

Dear Editor, The cell phone company has put magnets in all of the

kids' heads these days. They also put magnets in the cord-less phones. All of these kids

heads are just being pulled down to their phones. All

this texting, and they can't help it; they can't even break eye contact to look up when they cross the street. I hit a kid with my car the other

day. They've already got the magnets in their head, it's not like I can hurt them any

more. They can barely help themselves. Not to mention the ones with the pants down

past their waistlines. They can barely walk. The Illumi-nati are making it impossi-

ble for children these days to move around. Pretty soon we will all just be sitting down

so the thought police don't bother us. They can already control some of you with the

internet. -Ebeneezer Twain

Dear Editor, / just think that all of this Harry Potter demon magic nonsense on campus is too much. I thought I sent my

child to a Christian college. They're so high on the demon smoke that they believe they

are flying on broomsticks. I saw them, they were drawing pentagrams I think. I know

for a fact that J.K. Rowling's godfather is Aleister Crow-ley who was on the cover of a

Beatles album. It's also proof that Rock and Roll is made to worship darkness.

-A Concerned Hope Parent

Dear Editor, I've been looking for a venue

to express my concern on this subject for quite some time, and I feel that this is the most

appropriate place to do so. I think the trees in the Pine Grove are bugged. Not in a "Hope is always watching'

sense, but in a literal sense--I think the administration puts bugs on the trees to force

us inside to study so we actu-ally get work done. This must

be stopped! Sincerely,

Pine Grove Lover

Are you interested in writing? Well too bad.

We have too many writers to ever consider you.

Try Opus.

Our M i s s i o n : The Anchor strives to communica te campus events throughout

Hope College and the Holland communi ty. We hope to ampli fy awareness and

promote dia logue through fair, objective journal ism and a v ibrant Voices sec-

t ion.

D i sc l a ime r : The Anchor is a product of s tuden t e f fo r t a n d is f unded t h rough

the Hope College Student Act ivi t ies Fund. The op in ions expressed o n the

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Anchor reserves t h e right to accep t or re ject any advert is ing.

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serves . t h e r ight to edi t d u e to space const ra in ts , personal at-

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ple will be taken . No anonymous let ters wi l l be pr inted unless

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Mai l le t ters to The Anchor c/o Hope College, d rop t h e m off at the An-

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and typographica l errors. However, if such m is takes occur, th is newspaper

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3 ? " " A N r i - r r

8 THE R"Ci'OR S c A N D A L S T H I S W E E K I N S P O R T S

Thursday Oct. 27

Quidditch

R a v e n c l a w vs. H u f f l e p u f f , 7 p . m .

Curling

vs. Moose in Canada, eh.

Friday Oct . 28

Winter Biathlon

W a t c h your h e a d s !

Bobsled

Jama ica vs. Ho l l ywood

Saturday Oct. 29

Polo

R a l p h vs. L a u r e n

Cricket

J imeney vs. Cri-Kee

I N B R I E F

F O O T B A L L T H R O W S

H O M E C O M I N G G A M E

O n O c t o b e r 15 , the footba l l

t e a m lost its H o m e c o m i n g ba t t l e

wi th A lb ion 12-3. W i t h a 4 - 2 re-

c o r d c o m i n g in, H o p e ' s q u a r t e r -

back t h o u g h t a loss w a s n e e d e d

t o p u m p t h e p layers u p in o r d e r

t o finish t h e s e a s o n s t r o n g .

T h e q u a r t e r b a c k ' s last t w o

i n t e r c e p t i o n s w e r e s u p p o s e d l y

de l ibe ra te , as s t a t e d by the m a n

h imse l f in p o s t - g a m e in t e rv iews .

W i t h t h e p icks b e i n g p r e s e n t

d u r i n g fierce d o w n f i e l d dr ives ,

p layers a n d fans alike w e r e as -

t o n i s h e d by t h e t h r o w s .

W h e n asked a b o u t t h e s i tua-

t ion , Hope ' s h e a d c o a c h avo ided

t h e q u e s t i o n s bu t s e e m e d i ra te

a b o u t e v e r y t h i n g .

W O M E N ' S H O C K E Y S E T T O

D E B U T I N 2 0 1 2

T h e f ema le s l ead ing H o p e ' s

g r o u p cal led Push fo r Equal i ty

(PFE) have finally b e e n a w a r d -

e d by t h e a th le t i c d i r e c t o r s . A

w o m e n ' s hockey t e a m will be set

to f ace off aga ins t t h r e e o t h e r

t e a m s f r o m t h e M 1 A A in t h e

w in t e r of 2012.

E n o u g h s t u d e n t s s h o w e d

in te res t in th is b ru t a l c o n t a c t

s p o r t , a n d the h e a d of t h e PFE is

p r o u d t o say tha t th is is a h u g e

m o v e m e n t in w o m e n spo r t .

W h i l e h o c k e y is se t in s t o n e

to be a cho ice of s p o r t , t h e PFE

is c u r r e n t l y in s e r i o u s c o n v e r s a -

t i on a b o u t s t a r t i n g a w o m e n ' s

footba l l t e a m . N o f u r t h e r in fo r -

m a t i o n is available.

Golf coach Kirk Cameron S H O C K E D " J O U R N A L I S T "

H o p e College 's men ' s golf

t e a m c l a i m e d t h e M I A A

c o n f e r e n c e c h a m p i o n s h i p o n

O c t o b e r 8, bu t the v i c to ry w a s

i m m e d i a t e l y s n a t c h e d f r o m its

gr ip . W i t h a t e a m s t a c k e d ful l

of c lassy v e t e r a n s a n d i m p a c t f u l

f r e s h m e n , m a n y in t h e H o p e

c o m m u n i t y w e r e s a d d e n e d

to he a r t h e n e w s of the men ' s

c h e a t i n g ways in t h e final t w o

j a m b o r e e s of t h e season .

C h e a t i n g a n d a l lega t ions

as ide, H o p e b e t t e r e d T r i n e by 19

s t r o k e s in t h e M I A A s t a n d i n g s

to t a k e the c o n f e r e n c e c r o w n .

A s t roke to ta l of 2 4 4 3 over

the c o u r s e of e ight j a m b o r e e s

w a s e n o u g h to b e t t e r e v e r y

c o n f e r e n c e foe. This will all go

to was t e .

Q u e s t i o n s p e r v a d e d a f t e r

Calvin 's Ben Kuiper , w h o w a s

n a m e d M I A A M o s t Valuable

Golfer , o b s e r v e d t w o H o p e

gol fers o n t h e t w e l f t h ho le at

t h e final j a m b o r e e h o s t e d by

A d r i a n . H e n e v e r h a d t h e c h a n c e

to w a t c h h is o p p o n e n t s play, b u t

o n th is c o n c l u d i n g day h e f o u n d

a b r e a k a r o u n d ho le twelve.

"I w a s w a t c h i n g a c o u p l e of

Hope ' s guys f r o m the i r t ee -of f s

to the i r final putts ," said Kuiper .

"I no t i c ed s o m e t h i n g odd . A f t e r

the i r th i rd sho t s , o n e of t h e m

p icked h is ball up a n d w r o t e

on h is c a rd , wh i l e t h e o t h e r

s o m e h o w got c loser to the h o l e

a n d k n o c k e d in a s u p p o s e d l y

easy eagle."

Ku ipe r said t h a t he w a s

" terr ibly c o n f u s e d " a n d a l m o s t

c o n f r o n t e d t h e first p layer a b o u t

his c h e a t i n g tact ics , b u t d e c i d e d

aga ins t it. W h e n p r e s s ed , Ku ipe r

a d m i t t e d t h a t t h i s w a s b e c a u s e

he w a s h i d i n g in t h e b r u s h a n d

t r e e s s u r r o u n d i n g t h e c o u r s e to

spy o n Hope ' s players , a n d he

d idn ' t w a n t to a p p e a r to be t o o

hypocr i t i ca l .

"It w a s o b v i o u s r u l e - b r e a k i n g

o n thei r part ," Ku ipe r said. "It w a s

h a r d to w a t c h , s o m e t i m e s you 've

got to d o w h a t you 've got to do ,

even if it is slightly unethical ."

O n c e w o r d got o u t a b o u t

Kuiper ' s obse rva t i ons , Tr ine ' s

h e a d c o a c h Bill S a n G i a c o m o

leaked tha t he t h o u g h t h e saw

s o m e fishy b u s i n e s s o c c u r r i n g

at ho le e ight ear l ie r in t h e

j a m b o r e e .

w h a t s o m e p e o p l e will d o fo r

success."

"Honest ly , I 'm m o s d y c u r i o u s

a b o u t h o w th is s tuff works," a

socce r player said. "I'd love to

have the ene rgy to r u n up a n d

d o w n t h e field like a five year

old, bu t I've h e a r d H E H d o e s n ' t

w o r k unti l you ' re 35."

B e c a u s e of the sens i t ive

n a t u r e of t h e issue a n d t h e

c o n s t a n t fear of w h a t m i g h t

h a p p e n to the col lege if t h e

a l u m n i see b a d press , H o p e h a s

e l ec t ed to keep t h e n a m e s of t h e

a c c u s e d c o a c h e s u n d e r w r a p s

as l o n g as h u m a n e l y poss ible .

C o a c h e s at severa l g a m e s th is

pas t week w e r e mys te r ious ly

absen t , t h o u g h t h e official r e p o r t

w a s t h a t they h a d all c o n t r a c t e d

a deb i l i t a t ing case of f o o d

p o i s o n i n g a f t e r a d e p a r t m e n t

l u n c h e o n las t M o n d a y .

T h e R a n c h o r s e c u r e d a n

i n t e r v i e w w i t h o n e of t h e

a c c u s e d c o a c h e s u n d e r t h e

c o n d i t i o n of anonymi ty . In t h e

in terview, w h i c h t o o k place in

t h e d a r k e n e d hal ls be low DeVos

Fie ldhouse , th i s coach s h a r e d

h e r story.

"There ' s jus t so m u c h p r e s s u r e

to a lways b e o n y o u r game," she

said. "These k ids look to y o u

for e n c o u r a g e m e n t , energy ,

e x c i t e m e n t , a n d o t h e r w o r d s

b e g i n n i n g w i t h "e" all t h e t ime .

I 'm no t 20 yea r s o ld a n y m o r e ,

y o u k n o w ? I can ' t k eep u p w i t h

t h e m . It w a s the on ly way."

W h e n asked if s h e r eg re t t ed

he r dec is ion , t h e c o a c h h e s i t a t e d

b e f o r e r e s p o n d i n g .

"1 gues s so," she said. " O n t h e

o n e h a n d , it's really u n f o r t u n a t e

b e c a u s e I 'm p r e t t y su re I lost m y

job , a n d tha t ' s never f un . But o n

t h e o t h e r h a n d , it w a s so m u c h

f u n to feel like a kid again. If I

c o u l d do it again w i t h o u t ge t t ing

c a u g h t , I p r o b a b l y would."

T h o u g h t h e i n c i d e n t at H o p e

is t h e first t i m e H E H n e w s has

b e e n cove red by t h e m e d i a ,

t h e coach sa id it is h a r d l y an

u n k n o w n s u b s t a n c e in t h e

c o a c h i n g wor ld .

"That ' s t h e m o s t f r u s t r a t i n g

p a r t a b o u t all of this," she said.

"You go t o c o a c h i n g c o n v e n t i o n s

a n d it's all a n y o n e ta lks a b o u t .

We ' r e ac tual ly p re t ty t a m e as

far as u s u a g e goes . I've h e a r d

at o t h e r l i k e - m i n d e d schoo l s 4 5

m i n u t e s eas t of here , even the i r

m a s c o t uses H E H . I'll never

u n d e r s t a n d h o w w e got c a u g h t

b e f o r e them."

Rep re sen t a t i ve s f r o m said

l i k e - m i n d e d schoo l s 4 5 m i n u t e s

eas t of h e r e w e r e unavai lab le for

c o m m e n t .

T h e R a n c h o r will c o n t i n u e to

fo l low th is s tory as it d eve lops

o v e r t ime .

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Coaches caught in doping sting Big Brother

N C A A L I A S O N

A f t e r yea r s of m a i n t a i n i n g a

c lean r eco rd , " H o p e College 's"

a th le t ic d e p a r t m e n t f o u n d itself

in t h e m i d s t of its first m a j o r

s canda l last w e e k . A f t e r an

a n o n y m o u s t ip t o t h e N C A A ,

it w a s r evea led tha t m e m b e r s

of t h e a th le t i c d e p a r t m e n t

have b e e n us ing p e r f o r m a n c e

e n h a n c i n g d r u g s in a n d o u t of

s e a s o n fo r severa l yea r s .

In a s t r a n g e twis t t o t h e story,

t h e s e m e m b e r s of t h e a th le t i c

d e p a r t m e n t w e r e no t a th l e t e s ,

b u t c o a c h e s . Addi t iona l ly , t h e s e

c o a c h e s did no t use s t a n d a r d

i

p e r f o r m a n c e e n h a n c i n g d r u g s

such as h u m a n g r o w t h h o r m o n e s

to i m p r o v e thei r a th le t ic p rowess .

Rather , t h e y e n g a g e d in t h e use of

t h e relat ively u n k n o w n H u m a n

Energy H o r m o n e ( H E H ) to keep

thei r e x c i t e m e n t levels up b o t h

d u r i n g p rac t i ces , g a m e s a n d in

life in genera l .

" W h i l e I a m a s h a m e d t o see

th is b l e m i s h sca r t h e f ace of o u r

d e p a r t m e n t , I 'm m o r e c o n f u s e d

t h a n anything," H o p e ' s a th le t i c

d i r e c t o r said. "I d idn ' t k n o w th is

s u b s t a n c e existed."

H E H is a specia l ar t i f icial

c o m p o u n d a i m e d at a d u l t s

w h o s e j o b s d e m a n d h igh levels

of e x c i t e m e n t for long p e r i o d s

of t i m e . T h e c o m p o u n d is

b a s e d u p o n yea r s of s t u d i e s o n

ch i l d r en ages five to e igh t , w h o ,

as m o s t p a r e n t s c a n test i fy,

s e e m t o p e r s o n i f y u n b r i d l e d

ene rgy m o r e t h a n in any o t h e r

age g r o u p .

A th le t e s ac ross t h e

d e p a r t m e n t w e r e s h o c k e d by

the n e w s .

"I a lways e x p e c t e d s o m e

s c a n d a l to h a p p e n , b e c a u s e tha t ' s

the n a t u r e of col lege athletics,"

o n e footba l l p layer

said. "I jus t n e v e r 1 1 e x p e c t e d

s o m e t h i n g

like th is .

It's a s h a m e

3^©

puts money and character on line " H o p e ' s

f r e s h m e n w e r e ta lk ing

nea r t h e

g r e e n of t h e

eighth," said

S a n G i a c o m o .

"They w e r e

l o o k i n g

a r o u n d , t r y ing

to c a t c h any

o n l o o k e r s ,

a n d wh i l e t h e y

t h o u g h t t h e y

w e r e clear, o n e

of t h e m p i c k e d

h is ball up near ly 50

feet f r o m t h e h o l e a n d w r o t e o n

h is card."

At t h e c o n c l u s i o n of t h e day

a n d a f t e r h e a r i n g t h r e e add i t i ona l

t e s t i m o n i e s f r o m t w o f a n s a n d

a n o t h e r golfer , t h e MIAA's

L e a g u e C o m m i s s i o n e r David

L. Ne i l son , w h o w a s p r e s e n t at

the con te s t , a p p r o a c h e d Hope ' s

c o a c h w i t h s t r a i g h t f o r w a r d

q u e s t i o n s .

Q u e s t i o n s such as "are y o u r

b o y s chea t ing?" a n d "have you

e n c o u r a g e d fou l play?" w e r e

a m o n g the f ew tha t e l ic i ted

a n s w e r s .

Hope ' s c o a c h w a s d e j e c t e d

w h e n c o n f r o n t e d , h e a r i n g the

w o r d rapidly s p r e a d a c r o s s the

L e n a w e e C o u n t r y Club .

"My boys w e r e c h e a t i n g

today," he a d m i t t e d . "They also

c h e a t e d at t h e last j a m b o r e e . I 'm

deep ly r eg re t t i ng the i r—I m e a n ,

m y a c t i o n s already."

A p p a r e n t l y m o r e w a s o n the

p l a t e

t h a n

just a

c o n f e r e n c e

c h a m p i o n s h i p .

"F in ish ing th i rd in t h e M I A A

last year, I h a d a b u d d y of m i n e

be t m e tha t m y t e a m w o u l d n ' t

w i n it th i s year," he tes t i f ied . "1

t h o u g h t it w a s a f r i end ly be t , bu t

t h e n h e conv inc ing ly said t h a t

he 'd h a n d m e $50 ,000 if w e w o n .

"My f r i e n d a n d I have b e e n

c o n v e r s i n g all s eason , b u t I

haven ' t c h e a t e d unt i l c r u n c h

t i m e in t h e s e last t w o j a m b o r e e s .

A f t e r be ing back seven s t r o k e s

a f t e r t h e s ix th j a m b o r e e , I

a d d r e s s e d t h e t e a m a n d to ld

t h e m tha t I w o u l d give t h e m

e a c h a t h o u s a n d of t h e to ta l if

t h e y w e n t w i t h t h e plan."

T h e t r o o p l i s tened . T h e

a d m i t t a n c e of t h e false scores

a n d t h e sneaky g r e e n t r icks has

p r e v e n t e d H o p e f r o m tak ing

h o m e the M I A A c r o w n . Tr ine

will be n a m e d c h a m p i o n s whi le

Hope ' s en t i r e M I A A s e a s o n will

be w i p e d c lean.