20 Tools Client

Paradigms Ltd

Harley M StoreyCEO, Managing Director

Paradigms Ltd®

Dear Coach

Here are your free coaching tools from our eBook 101 Tools Life Coaches Use®.

I hope you will find them interesting, challenging and fun!

Please don’t assume that the short tools are insignificant, they are just as useful as themore extensive tools.

To make them easy to understand and use, each tool opens with a brief introduction andexplanation in blue italics.

The Table of Contents below contains active links so you can go straight to the tool byclicking its name.

Also don’t forget about the excellent free Life Priorities Tool available athttp://www.life-coach-tools.com/free_life_coaching_tools.html

If you have any feedback, comments or suggestions, I'd love to hear them, please email me [email protected]

Kind regards

Harley M StoreyCEO, Managing DirectorParadigms Limited®

P.S You may be wondering why we said we would send you 20 tools and we’ve sent you 25?Well, we like to under-promise and over-deliver!

P.P.S The 101 Tools Life Coaches Use® Bonus Pack is available for a limited time fromwww.life-coach-tools.com

101 Tools Life Coaches Use® Bonus Pack available @www.life-coach-tools.com© 1999-2007 Paradigms Ltd

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TABLE OF CONTENTS

20 COACHING TOOLS.......................................................................................................5

1. Your Super Self! 6

2. The Life Wheel 7

3. Flush Out Those False Beliefs! 9

4. Life Roles Wheel 10

5. Stop Your Spending! 11

6. Problems and Potential 12

7. Life is Garbage & Life is Wonderful! 13

8. Conflict Tool 14

9. Reveal Your Hearts Wisdom 15

10. The Porcupine Problem Solver! 16

11. Decisions Tool 17

12. Do A Stress Inventory 18

13. The Heart Language Tool 20

14. The Five Stages of the Grief Process 21

15. Feel the feeling tool 23

16. Am I a Failure checklist? 24

101 Tools Life Coaches Use® Bonus Pack available @www.life-coach-tools.com

© 1999-2007 Paradigms Ltd

17. Infinite solutions tool 25

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RELATIONSHIP TOOLS...................................................................................................26

18. My Dream Partner 27

19. Reflective listening 28

20. Relationship Cycles 29

21. Score Your Dream Partner! 31

22. Relationship circle 33

23. Partner Communication Quiz: How well do you know your partner? 34

24. When you … I feel … 35

25. A quick lesson in speaking Martian! 36

TOOLS IN A TOOLS LIFE COACHES USE”..............................................................37



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20 COACHING TOOLS



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Your Super Self!

This is a tool I start almost every client with and helps build confidence and self-esteem goingforward.

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On a blank sheet of paper list at least 20 things that make you special

list any and all personal achievements and successes – at least 20

list at least 20 things that you are good at or can do well (even if its cleaning your teeth)

list your 10 most unique qualities or unique things about you

write down at least one particularly attractive physical feature (even if its a cute pinkie toe orparticularly shapely ear lobe!)



Try reading this to yourself out loud every morning for a week

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The Life Wheel

This is the first tool I do with a client and helps you get a snapshot of “where you're at”

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Get a blank sheet of paper

Draw a large circle

Divide the circle into 8 segments – like a pizza – where each piece represents an area ofyour life as it is now.

Label each piece - as Health, Self-space, Personal Development, etc.

This Wheel is labelled with 8 areas of life - you can use these labels or, if there is a specific area of your lifeyou would like to examine just substitute a category.

The general categories

� Fun - Happiness, Hobbies� Relationship - current or future Life Partner� Career - Job satisfaction, Career path� Family - Children, Parents, Relatives� Social - Friends, Sport, Activities� Health - Exercise, Diet� Financial - Savings, Investments� Creative - Self-space, Spiritual, Sport, Artistic

... / continued on following page



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1. Assign a number from 1 to 10 next to each category.

Write 1 if you are unsatisfied in this area and up to 10 if you are totally satisfied.

2. Look at your scores.

What are the 2 lowest scores?

What are the 2 areas you would most like to move forward?

3. Moving forward …

How would you feel if you could significantly move forward in these 2 areas?

1.2.

4. Action

What could you do to start moving forward in these areas?

1.2.



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Flush Out Those False Beliefs!

Before you can transform negative thoughts and feelings, you need to become aware of them, sohere’s a list of beliefs that may need updating!

Step 1

� When under pressure I ……………………….……………………….

� I often feel guilty about ……………………………………………………….

� When ………………………. happens I stress out and feel like ……………………….

� My Achilles’ heel (greatest weakness) is ……………………….

� I am always trying to stop ……………………..…………. from happening.

� When the unexpected happens I ………………………………………………………..

� I always try to ………………………………………………………..

� The biggest obstacle that stops me loving and approving of myself is ……………………….

� What drives most of my behavior is …………………………………………….

� I am afraid of ………………………………………………………..

� I seek my ……………’s approval (always / mostly / usually / occasionally)

� My most frequent negative / uncomfortable emotion is feeling ……………………….

� The feeling I dislike the most is ……………………….

� I need to learn to ………………………………………………………..

Congratulations – that took courage!

Step 2

Now you have identified your false beliefs, go back and re-do the exercise writing how you wouldlike to be. For example:

When under pressure I … panic

to



When under pressure I … think about the situation calmly and ask for support.

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Life Roles Wheel

This tool helps to clarify life roles. Just draw a circle and divide your life up into segments. Watch forspace for “Self.”

Life Roles

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Get a blank sheet of paper

Head it “The Roles of my Life.” and apportion the roles in your life – Mother, Partner,Employee, Sister, Daughter, etc.

Draw a large circle

Divide the circle into segments – like a cake – where each piece represents a role in yourlife. The bigger the piece the more important it is.

When you have settled on the relative sizes that each piece should be Label them, youmay wish to colour them also.

Check out what you have come up with. Any surprises? Did you allow for any space forYou?

Try drawing a second Map the way you would like things to be.

Are there any differences with the first Map and how things are now?



ME

Mother

Life Coach

Partner

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Stop Your Spending!

A great tool to help put the brakes on your spending!

� Put your credit card in a bowl of water� place in the freezer� the next time you are tempted to buy something – you can do so but have to wait until it

thaws as you can’t microwave or you will destroy the card.



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Problems and Potential

You have heard about problems and opportunity, but what about turning problems into potential?

Change brings loss and loss brings grief. But loss can also represent freedom, and change, like thetender fronds of a fresh green shoot, represent the start of something new ...

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I have lost, what have I gained?

If every problem possesses the seeds of its own resolution, what is the opportunity in myproblem, what is a possible resolution?

What is something good about this situation, no matter how small or insignificant?

Does this situation have a positive aspect?

Can I open myself up to my feelings a little more? What is something I can do to help me getin touch with my feelings?

Who can I turn to for support?

What can I take from experiencing this? What can I learn? How can I grow?

Am I flowing with the situation or fighting and resisting?

How can I create faith for the future and strength to go on?



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Life is Garbage & Life is Wonderful!

“The hardest arithmetic to master is that which enables us to count our blessings.”Eric Hoffer

It is often very easy to answer the question “what’s wrong” in our life. However, it is a wonderful thingto have a non-headache or a non-toothache, but so often we do not think of the joy of not havingthese problems until we experience them and then wish them away.

Similarly, it is wonderful to be able to take a breath when we want to, to drink a glass of water, to eatwhenever we like, or have the blessing of good eyesight.

If we were without these things we would be thinking about acquiring them, but when we have them,it is so easy to take them for granted.

This exercise can help us redress the balance of what's really right and wrong in our life …

� Get 2 blank sheets of paper.

� On one piece of paper, list all of the things that are “wrong” in your life – don’t be afraid tobe negative – get it all out!

� On the other, write a list of all the positive things in your life right now, including everythingthat’s “not wrong.”

� When you have finished, place the two pieces of paper side by side and ask yourself …

� “What is of the greatest use to me and what serves me most – to focus on what's ‘wrong’ orwhat ‘not wrong’?”

� When you have decided which list is best for you to dwell on, discard the list you do not wishto focus on - throw it away – maybe even bury or burn it, if you wish to make this amemorable event.



� Try reading the remaining list every morning for 3 weeks and see what happens …

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Conflict Tool

A handy tool if you are having issues with someone …

� write down what they are doing that causes the problem� then write how you contribute to the problem

� ask yourself, “What can I do to stop things escalating?� What is my responsibility here?



� What steps can I take to help resolve this problem or restore this relationship?”

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Reveal Your Hearts Wisdom

This tool helps you move on from anything significant or get some insight into where you are ‘at’emotionally

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Set aside some quiet time to write a letter that no one will read, but will help you to reveal yourhearts messages and wisdom.

Write at the top of the page the question you want an answer to, such as “How do really Ifeel about Sam?” or “How do I feel about my job”

Write down all the things you wish you could say, what you wished you could've said, etc –basically getting it all out.

Include all the memories – positive and negative – you can remember.

Try not to analyze what you are writing – just let it flow from the heart. Write withoutjudgment – just put down whatever comes to your mind – we will analyze it later.

When you have finished, leave it for a few hours before reading it, or better still sleep on it.

As you read over what you have written, highlight or underline anything that strikes you asinteresting, unusual or significant.

These are the messages and the wisdom your heart is bringing through to you. Think aboutwhat these messages are, and what wisdom your heart is revealing to you.

When the time is right, ask yourself what you would like to do with the letter? Put it in akeepsafe box, place in a bottle and let it go in the ocean, burn it, bury it or even send it.



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The Porcupine Problem Solver!

This tool helps you creatively brainstorm with a porcupine for inspiration!

� Draw a circle on a blank piece of paper� Put a little porcupine face on it� Draw lots of porcupine spikes around the body of the porcupine

� Write your Problem in the middle of the porcupine� Write and label the spikes with possible Responses, Actions & Solutions� Finally add any New Thoughts about the problem to spare spikes

Remember … when brainstorming there is no such thing as a bad idea!



have a girls nite!!!

do nothingask for help

take lunchorganise better

just do it!start workearlier?

quit job!

work nearer home. or from home?

talk to Bob about helpingout more

hire home help

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Decisions Tool

Have trouble making decisions?Do you make a decision … and then change your mind?Are you always “second-guessing” yourself?Do you feel like the stakes are much higher than they actually are?Feel like you are a failure at making decisions?Try this Decisions Tool!

� Make a list of the big decisions you have made and stuck to.� How did they work out?

� Calculate approximately how many decisions you make every day.� Is there such a thing as a “wrong” decision?

� If there is such a thing as a “wrong” decision, what happens if you make one?

� Do you still feel like you are a failure at making decisions – or is it rather easy?



� Is making a decision really such a big deal?

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Do A Stress Inventory

If you are feeling a bit low but can’t put your finger on why, a stress inventory is a great way to get an idea ofwhat you have on your “emotional plate.”

� Feeling a bit flat and run down?� Feeling unmotivated?� What have you been dealing with on an emotional and mental level over the last 2 years?

Draw up a page with 3 columns for the Event, the Date it occurred, and its Score

Event Date Score /10

Record any significant changes in the last 2 years

� including positive changes, eg. A new job or house� including changes in the lives of those people close to you, eg. children, parents, etc� this list does not cover every situation, so feel free to add to them, and please email me at

[email protected] with your suggestions

Give every event a score from 1-10.

+ denotes the event could score higher (eg. Financial stress at 5+ could be 7)++ denotes that the event could score much higher (eg. Sick child at 4++ could be 9)

10 Terminal Illness9+ Death of someone close7++ Serious Illness / Hospitalisation7++ Divorce6++ A child born6++ Family / Relationship conflict or estrangement6++ Sick / infirm dependants (including parents)6++ Moving countries / state6+ Parents into a retirement home5++ End of relationship5+ Moderate Illness5 Conflict with friends5+ Financial stress5+ Moving house5+ Chronic health issues / Mild depression5+ A new significant relationship4++ Sick child4+ A pet dying3+ Last child to leave home2+ A new job / role2 Holiday1+ First child to leave home1 A child starting school1 A new pet1 A new car / major possession1 No exercise1 Bad diet




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What is your score over the last 6 months …

A score over 3 during this time is considered moderate change and likely to result in moderate stress.A score of 5 or over during this time is considered significant change and likely to result in high stress.

What is your score over the last 18-24 months …

A score over 5 is considered moderate stressA score over 7 or over is considered high stress

If you are stressed, what can you do to de-stress, who you can get support from, or how you can increaseyour emotional inputs?



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The Heart Language Tool

It always surprises me that practically every client relates to this tool in some way!

� Do you feel stressed and harassed during the day, like you're always doing thingsto please others rather than yourself?

� Do you have problems making decisions about insignificant matters?

� Are you unsure about what it is you really want?

� Do you find yourself doing things you really don’t want to do and continually actingout of obligation?

Part of being an adult is learning to put the needs of others, such as our children or employer, aheadof ourselves. But we can become so used to doing what we feel we should do, or living by theexpectations of others that we lose touch with ourselves.

If we stop listening to our hearts voice, eventually we won't recognize it. Then we wonder why our lifeis so dry and un-spontaneous.

We need to re-open the conversation with our heart - to remember how to listen to our heart and notjust our head.

How to recognise your hearts voice: when you're feeling stressed or that you feel you have lost yourcentre, ask yourself two questions,

1. “What am I feeling now?”

2. “I would like … ?”

Try to listen to the first thought – which will be from your heart –– not your head which comes inwith chatter and rationalizing afterwards.

If the message from your heart is possible and practical – then do it, eg. take a break, call a friend,pop out for a coffee, jump up from your desk and shout “Yes!”.

If it is not realistic just note your hearts message until its convenient to follow through, but be careful –this habit is life changing!

Why not try following your heart and doing one spontaneous thing every day?

And … if you really want to be immature have some fun in a boring, staid grown up situation askyourself:

“What would I do if I was 5?”



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The Five Stages of the Grief Process

Grief occurs as the result of something as significant as the passing of a loved one, a health crisisand also over something as seemingly insignificant as missing out on a carpark.

The common factor in all these events is change. Change, even positive change, equates to lossand any loss requires an adjustment – this adjustment process is felt as grief.

An awareness of the stages of grief, can help us to deal with the feelings that inevitablyaccompanies loss. If we are aware that what we are feeling is entirely normal and that there “is arhyme and a reason, a time and a season” we are better placed to be able to accept and allow theprocess to work through us.

It should also be borne in mind that we are all different, so some people experience the stages invarying orders, times or degrees of intensity.

The 5 Stages are:

1. Denial2. Anger3. Bargaining & Regret4. Sadness5. Acceptance

Denial

Denial is generally the first stage in the grief process. A part of us cannot accept that the change orloss has actually occurred. We may feel numb or experience shock. This is our emotions way ofdealing with an unexpected and significant change.

An example would be hearing of the death of someone we loved – say our grandmother.

Anger

The next stage is us anger. We probably feel that the loss is unjustified, and ask “Why me?”

We feel angry that we have lost “our Gran.”

Bargaining & Regret

In the bargaining stage, we are trying to come to terms with what has happened and may regretwhat we didn’t or could not do.

Common thoughts include "If only …." or "I wish …." or "Maybe if …."



We may regret that we didn’t spend more time with Gran while she was alive.

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Sadness

Feelings of sadness actually signal the end of the grieving process. Sadness is a very positiveemotion, it means we are beginning to actually feel the loss and come to terms with it.

We start to feel profound sadness that Gran is gone.

We may wish to end this stage and to “move on” as quickly as possible, but at such times it is goodto recall the medical maxim, “Patients need patience.”

Acceptance

The final stage in the first cycle of grief is acceptance, and represents that the healing is complete.

We are starting to incorporate into our life and our thinking, the knowledge that our Gran is gone andis not coming back.

Awareness of the stages of grief can help us to give ourselves permission to grieve and heal. It canalso increase our emotional competence because we are better able to identify what we are feelingand why.

In addition to the above 5 Cycles of Grief there are also the phenomenon’s of Transference and theTheory of 7 Cycles.

Transference

If we have not fully felt our loss, or if the loss is especially significant, we will probably experiencesome degree of transference where when we grieve over one event we are actually feeling the griefover something else.

Using the example above, our grandmother may pass and we don’t feel much emotion but when ourbeloved unexpectedly dies we experience profound loss and feelings out of proportion to the event.

This is a clue that what we are really dealing with is mainly not our cats passing, but our unfeltfeelings over our grandmother.

7 Year Cycles

The phenomenon of the 7-Year Cycle will follow any significant loss and is dealt with in a separatetool “7 Cycle Theory.” (part of 101 Tools Life Coaches Use® available fromwww.life-coach-tools.com )



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Feel the feeling tool

This tool helps clients you get in touch with uncomfortable feelings and help to make them safe andmanageable

Feelings are like clouds. They look solid, but if you flew up to feel one you would find they are justdroplets of mist.

Also, like clouds, feelings come and go. When you open up to them, they pass over – sometimesafter raining, sometimes after thunder and lightning, but they always pass.

And even on a dark, cloudy day, the sky beyond is still blue and the sun is always shining, its justthat sometimes we cant see it.

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Sit down somewhere comfortable and quiet. Still yourself by breathing deeplya few times.

Hold the thought that feelings are like clouds.

Invite the uncomfortable feeling to come to you.

Sit with it and continue to breathe slowly and deeply.

Try entering into a dialogue and talking to your feeling – what is it saying toyou? Is this message true? Is it positive? Is it useful? What does safety meanto you?

Sit with your feeling, the nature of feelings is that they're dynamic – soon it willchange. If it is too difficult to wait, just be with it for as long as you arecomfortable and then let it go.

Think about the message the feeling was giving you. Surprisingly sometimesnegative feelings have a very protective undertone. Conversely, sometimes afeeling will be a reflection of a limiting belief that when subject to consciousthinking and the light of day, is rejected as being groundless. (Refer Beliefstools)

You can repeat this exercise as often as you like or when you have time andspace.

Over time the feeling and more importantly your fear of the feeling willdissipate.

In time you may be able to see how the feeling served you or kept you safe.



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Am I a Failure checklist?

This checklist will help you decide if you are a certified failure! It is also an example of the waycoaching offers new thoughts and perspectives.

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Do you feel like a failure?

Does feeling like a failure mean that you are a failure?

Can you learn without failing?

Does failing at something you do, make you a failure as a person?

Can you think of anyone who has never failed at anything?

Did you try and fail?

If you have tried and failed (ie. the outcome was not what you expected) does that mean …

you have tried and failed at something or

does that mean you're a failure as a person?

Aren’t you a hero rather than a failure?

Do you agree with the statement “A hero is someone who rides out to battle, is defeated andreturns home victorious?

“Success is going from failure to failure without loss in enthusiasm.”Sir Winston Churchill



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Infinite solutions tool

Use this tool to expand and stretch your habitual mental pattern of only seeing limited options.

Write down your problem then ask …

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How else could you think about that?

Try and come up with 20 different thoughts or different ways of looking at your situation.

Fun exercise …

Scenario: Imagine there is a hungry mosquito in the room whilst you are trying to sleep.

Think of at least 20 possible responses*

when you've finished, read another possibility at the bottom of this page!

*Did you come up with an option of “just let it bite you!”



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RELATIONSHIP TOOLS



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My Dream Partner

This tool helps you imagine the qualities of your dream partner. By making a quiz about your dreampartner you can create a clear picture of them in their mind. Then, when you meet them – you willbe able to recognize them straight away!

"How does he make me feel special?""What does she do when I'm sick in bed?""How does he show affection?""How does he treat me in company when we go out?""How does he make me laugh?""Her most important quality is …"The best thing about him is …

When you have finished, make a list of the qualities you would like in a future partner.

Then write down the qualities you will bring to the relationship.



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Reflective listening

“Your communication is only as good as your understanding of the person you'recommunicating with.” Dr Tony Alessandra

Verbal communication is inherently inaccurate means for the transfer of information and is a skill wehave to learn and develop. This tool is designed to enhance and facilitate communication betweencouples.

Excellent communication is a very important life skill because by hearing the other person’s point ofview and in turn feeling heard yourself, means that half of the problem is resolved, because both sidesfeel heard and validated.

If you see a guy and a girl together, chances are the girl will be talking and the guy will be listening ason average women speak thousands more words a day than men!

However, neither gender is particularly good at communicating – often men just don’t speak, andwoman talk a lot but don’t always communicate what they really feel.

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create some quiet space together with your partner

listen to them without interruption or judgement

when they have finished, reflect back to them what you heard them say

ask them if you heard them correctly

repeat the process with them listening and reflecting what you say



If you are interested in couples communication tools, Dr. Harville Hendricks has written some greatbooks on this subject including Getting the Love You Want

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Relationship Cycles

The exercise is used to identity patterns in relationships and to help determine if any currentrelationship issues have their origins in earlier relationships.

This tool can also be used to see how, when and where relationships ended or broke down and tohelp identity any patterns.

Draw up a blank piece of paper with 4 columns:

Name Relationship Significant Features Clues / Patterns

If you wish to examine potential patterns in Male Relationships, start with your most significantearly male relationship – usually your Father, or Father figure - and proceed from there.

If dealing with Female Relationships start with your most significant early female relationship –usually your Mother and proceed from there – to Grandmothers, Aunts, etc.

Under the Name column write their name. If a parent or relative use their name and underrelationship denote their relationship to you. eg. Patricia – Mother.

List them in chronological order, from the earliest relationship to the latest – from your partner toyour child for example.

Under Relationships column write their relationship to you.

Under Significant Features write your associations about the relationship. Go on feel here and tryand work from the heart not the head.

Under Clues / Patterns are there any patterns between the relationships – similarities or opposites?Does anything stand out? Any significant associations between relationships and people?




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Name Relationship Significant Features Clues / Patterns

Patricia Mother Honest

Emotionally Unavailable

Distant

Very Quiet xx

Generous

Big Spender ☺

Jenny Partner Emotionally Unavailable both Mom & Jenny are

Carefree emotionally unavailable

Untidy

Loyal

Very Loud xx Jenny if the opposite

of Mum here

Cathryn Daughter Free Spender ☺ Cathryn is a spender like

Chatty Mum, maybe this is why I

Considerate get so annoyed with her?

This Example suggests that this person

� has chosen a partner that is emotionally unavailable like his Mother� has chosen a partner that is the opposite of his Mothers very quiet nature, and� that he may be reacting to his daughters free-spending ways as a result of his mothers similar

behaviour.



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Score Your Dream Partner!

The exercise is used to help gain clarity and insight into previous relationships and also to helpdetermine if any of the qualities you seek in a partner are similar, or opposite to, the qualities of yourearly parental figures. It is also great for determining if a potential partner is worth pursuing!

Draw up a blank piece of paper with about 8 columns:

Qualities Dad/Mum 1st SignificantPartner

2nd 3rd 4th NewPartner ?

Clues /Patterns

Leave the Qualities column for now, and start with the Dad/Mum column.

If you wish to examine the qualities in a Male Partner, label the Dad/Mum column Dad, and/or namean early male Father figure.

If you wish to examine the qualities in a Female Partner, label the Dad/Mum column Mum, and/orname an early male Mother figure

Under the 1st Significant Partner column write the name of your first significant partner.

Complete the columns from left to right, from the 1st Significant Partner to the last. You don’t wantany more than 7 or 8, but you can repeat the exercise later with as many as you wish.

Lastly, add in your Potential New Partner if you are thinking of one.

After you have written the names of your Partners, under the Qualities column write down:

a) the qualities you would like in a partnerb) character traits that appeal to youc) the things you liked about previous partners

the sum of these qualities represents your ultimate Dream Partner.

d) finally, add in the significant personality traits of your Father, if you wish to examine MalePartners, or your Mother if you are looking at Female Relationships.




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Now mark your partners off and see how they score.

How does your Potential New Partner stack up?

Qualities Dad Jerry Bob Mike Peter Tim(New Guy)

Clues?

Quiet x x

Kind x x x x x kindness isimportant to me

Polite x not so important

Funny x x x ½ x soh is good

Handsome x looks not vital

Wealthy x x x x $ is nice!

Dadsqualities …

Angry x x x opposite x ½ do I like Angrymen? like Dad?

Felt Safe x x

Points 5 3 5 3½ 2 5½

CommentsBob alot likeDad

Peter Tim HighestLowest Score! ☺

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Under Clues / Patterns are there any patterns between the partners? Any positive or negativequalities which surprised you?

Look for similarities or opposites as a response to your Parental figure. For example, if your Fatherwas angry, you may be attracted to angry men or seek the opposite – very patient and easy-goingpartners.

This Example suggests that this person

� has previously chosen a partner (Bob) that was very like her Father� that her last relationship (Peter) was perhaps a poor choice



� that the potential new guy (Tim) looks like a pretty good candidate at this stage!

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Relationship circle

This tool helps clarify your relationships with the people in their life. It can be as simple as just writingthe names of those you have a significant relationship with and drawing a line representing the depthof the relationship, or you can continue with the exercise until it is as detailed as the example below.

� Draw a large circle� Write your name in the middle� Around the circle write the names of people you have a significant relationship with, or anyone

who comes to mind. Include Partner, Ex’s, Children, Mother, Father, Siblings, Grandparents,Significant Relatives, Close Friends, In-laws!, Work Colleagues, etc. present or passed.

After you have finished …

� Draw a line from you to the persons name. The longer the line the closer the relationship.� Go around and write one word you associate with each person as things are now� Write next to their name and your word association a colour that comes to mind.� How about adding yourself?� Look at the order you wrote the names in. Anything interesting about who you wrote first or

last?� Is there anyone significant you have inadvertently missed? In-laws, family, ex’s?� Add a ☺ for those people who contribute positively to your life or a / for those who are

currently take more than they give (this may be for valid reasons, eg. illness, divorce)� When you have finished pick the top 2 people you would like to move issues ahead with� Ask yourself what action you can take, eg. A phone call, a letter, a visit, etc.

� Revisit the exercise whenever you feel the need to!



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How well do you know your partner Quiz?

to get you and your partner talking, smiling, laughing and maybe more ... ☺

Get together with your partner.

Print two copies of this questionnaire and separately write down …

o What you think their favourite movie iso favourite band or singer, or type of musico favourite actor, actresso favourite seasono favourite TV showo favourite day of the weeko their heroo favourite time of dayo favourite activityo the quality they admire most in otherso favourite activity (when clothed!)o best memory togethero who they are closest to in their familyo their best friendo the personal quality they most appreciate in a partnero favourite colouro their worst habito their best habito kindest thing you have done for themo your most difficult habit for them to deal witho the hardest issue for them to deal witho the one word that best describes themo if they were a car what car would they be?

▪ what color? what condition? where would you buy it?o what they feel are your 3 best qualitieso the thing they would most like you to do, what they most want from youo the way they would like you to communicate loveo what is their loving style – do they usually demonstrate their love by:

▪ kind words,▪ loving actions,▪ thoughtfulness when apart,▪ giving gifts,▪ showing friendship

o why you think they love you

Now swap lists, score them and laugh!



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When you … I feel …

This communication tool helps you learn how to communicate your needs positively andconstructively without accusing the other person.

� Formula is …

“When you _______________, I feel __________________.”

� Example of what to say:

“When you don’t show me appreciation … I feel hurt.”

You are reclaiming your power and taking responsibility for your feelings by saying “Ifeel” rather than “You make me feel…”

You are also talking about the behaviour – the not showing appreciation - rather thancondemning the person.

� Example of what not to say:

“You are a boof head … and … you make me angry.”



Paradigms Ltd

A quick lesson in speaking Martian!

A fun tool to help women speak to the men in their lives. With acknowledgment to the great authorand all round funny guy, Dr John Gray who coined the terminology that Men Are From Mars &Women Are From Venus

I designed this tool to help a lovely client communicate with her husband. It is amazing whencoaching to hear the reply to the question, “Have you told your partner what you're telling me now?”

“Ladies, would you like to get your needs met?” (A chorus of shouts and approval ensues!)

The first step is knowing what they are, so ask yourself:

1. What do I need … ?2. I would like …

Now that you have identified your needs, your natural inclination will be to speak Venutian andcommunicate this in phrases like:

I wish …We never … (anymore!)I wouldn't mind … sometime ….Why can’t we … (& the clincher) … pleeease???

However, your Martian man can’t hear any of this – it's all too vague to him.

His communication needs are very clear and easy to understand – if he wants something he asksfor it - without feeling guilty.

Here’s how to translate all of the above into Martian … are you ready?

Just fill in the blanks and don’t be afraid to stand in your own space girl!

Here goes …

I want __________________________ ☺



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