humanism.org.uk · 2015-03-26 · Humanist Ceremonies – suggestions for readings Compiled solely for use by accredited celebrants in the BHA’s Humanist Ceremonies network. Page

Humanist Ceremonies – suggestions for readings

Compiled solely for use by accredited celebrants in the BHA’s Humanist Ceremonies network. Page 1

FUNERALS ................................................................................................................................................ 16

From Three Men in a Boat. (Committal reading) .................................................................................. 16

Still................................................................................................................................................... 16

The Trees ......................................................................................................................................... 16

What Time Is It Mr Wolf? ................................................................................................................. 17

As we look back over time ................................................................................................................ 17

Four Candles .................................................................................................................................... 18

Words of Comfort ............................................................................................................................ 18

Shiver Me Timbers ........................................................................................................................... 19

If I should go before the rest of you, ................................................................................................. 19

Song ................................................................................................................................................. 20

Requiem .......................................................................................................................................... 20

Late fragment .................................................................................................................................. 20

Imagine, ........................................................................................................................................... 21

A voice - about waiting ..................................................................................................................... 21

The Long Day is Over ........................................................................................................................ 21

Something Beautiful Remains........................................................................................................... 22

A Dream of Sleep ............................................................................................................................. 22

A Dream of Sleep ............................................................................................................................. 22

Adapted by Char March ................................................................................................................... 23

Farewell ........................................................................................................................................... 23

I have to say goodbye....................................................................................................................... 23

Traditional Indian Prayer .................................................................................................................. 23

Farewell ........................................................................................................................................... 23

Remember ....................................................................................................................................... 24

Do not stand at my grave and weep; ................................................................................................ 24

I came unknowing what the light would show; ................................................................................. 25

Nature I loved and, next to Nature, Art: ........................................................................................... 25

At every turning of my life ................................................................................................................ 25

I have lived in this great world .......................................................................................................... 25

from The Excursion .......................................................................................................................... 26

Afterglow (extract) ........................................................................................................................... 26

Our revels now are ended. These our actors, ................................................................................... 27

From As You Like It Act 2, scene 7 ................................................................................................... 27



All the world’s a stage, ..................................................................................................................... 27

To everything there is a season, ....................................................................................................... 27

From Intimations of Immortality ...................................................................................................... 28

Lights Out ........................................................................................................................................ 28

From The Hymn of Empedocles ........................................................................................................ 29

You Have Not Left Me ...................................................................................................................... 29

Death in October.............................................................................................................................. 29

MISS ME BUT LET ME GO ................................................................................................................. 30

Instructions ...................................................................................................................................... 30

Long Long Way To Go (lyrics)............................................................................................................ 31

The Reassurance .............................................................................................................................. 31

From Old Man Going ........................................................................................................................ 32

2. Thoughts on life and death .............................................................................................................. 32

Reflection on an Autumn Day ........................................................................................................... 32

Happy the Man ................................................................................................................................ 32

The Beauty of Death (Part Two - The Ascending) .............................................................................. 33

The Lake Isle of Innisfree .................................................................................................................. 33

The Song of Wandering Aengus ........................................................................................................ 34

Slow Dance ...................................................................................................................................... 34

Life Must Go On... a Navaho Prayer .................................................................................................. 35

To Those I Love ................................................................................................................................ 35

A Parting Guest ................................................................................................................................ 36

Not, how did he die, but how did he live? ........................................................................................ 36

The Company of the Birds ................................................................................................................ 36

To realize ......................................................................................................................................... 37

Going without saying ....................................................................................................................... 38

Death ............................................................................................................................................... 38

The Dash .......................................................................................................................................... 38

Someone.......................................................................................................................................... 39

Ridge walking ................................................................................................................................... 39

The life of one we love ..................................................................................................................... 40

A Life Well Lived ............................................................................................................................... 40

To see a World in a grain of sand, ..................................................................................................... 41

Death’s Secret .................................................................................................................................. 41



Death does not come from outside… ............................................................................................... 41

how fortunate are you and i, whose home ....................................................................................... 42

Listen to the exhortation of the dawn! ............................................................................................. 42

Do not go gentle into that good night, .............................................................................................. 43

Nothing can take the past ................................................................................................................ 43

You can shed tears that she is gone .................................................................................................. 44

From ‘The Two Of Us’ ....................................................................................................................... 44

From the Ruba’iyat of Omar Khayyam .............................................................................................. 44

From Love Lines of Dying.................................................................................................................. 45

I sit beside the fire and think ............................................................................................................ 45

From The Prophet ............................................................................................................................ 46

The Dead ......................................................................................................................................... 46

Death is not the End ......................................................................................................................... 47

from the Genizah in Cairo................................................................................................................. 48

From The Last Word on Sorrow ........................................................................................................ 48

The Instinct of Hope ......................................................................................................................... 49

from the play, Going Gently ............................................................................................................. 49

From A Song of Living ....................................................................................................................... 50

Leave this world, Nature says, .......................................................................................................... 51

3. Outlooks, ideals, politics, Humanism ............................................................................................... 52

What is success? .............................................................................................................................. 52

A Successful Man ............................................................................................................................. 52

A Measure of A Man ........................................................................................................................ 52

Warning ........................................................................................................................................... 53

Desiderata ....................................................................................................................................... 53

If ...................................................................................................................................................... 54

To a Descendant .............................................................................................................................. 55

Risk .................................................................................................................................................. 55

from Office Without Power, Diaries 1968-72 .................................................................................... 55

A letter to Julian Bell Like nearly all the intellectuals of this generation, we are fundamentally

political in thought and action. This more than anything else marks the difference between us and

our elders. Being socialist, for us, means being rationalist, common sense, empirical. Means a very

firm extrovert, practical commonplace sense of exterior reality. It means turning away from

mysticisms, fantasies, escapes into the inner life. We think of the world first and foremost as the

place where other people live, as the scene of crisis and poverty, the probable scene of revolution



and war. We think more about the practical solution of the real contradictions of the real world than

possible discoveries in some other world. ........................................................................................ 56

I’d Pick More Daisies ........................................................................................................................ 56

It is better to live than to die ............................................................................................................ 57

inevitability / acceptance ..................................................................................................................... 57

Fear no more the heat of the sun ..................................................................................................... 57

Circle of Life ..................................................................................................................................... 58

holocaust ............................................................................................................................................. 59

Requiem .......................................................................................................................................... 59

BELGRADE ........................................................................................................................................ 59

EXODUS ........................................................................................................................................... 59

Jewish prayer of remembrance: ....................................................................................................... 60

Peace and War ................................................................................................................................. 60

“Shemà”: An Unforgotten Prayer ..................................................................................................... 61

Part of his answer to the question ‘To what factors do you attribute your survival?’ ........................ 61

First they came for the Jews ............................................................................................................. 61

reflecting ............................................................................................................................................. 62

from Thoughts of Nanoushka ........................................................................................................... 62

He goes free of the earth ................................................................................................................. 62

Missing Things ................................................................................................................................. 62

The Darkling Thrush ......................................................................................................................... 63

from A Return To Love ..................................................................................................................... 64

4. Love, and friendship. ....................................................................................................................... 64

friendship ............................................................................................................................................ 64

The Pleasures of Friendship .............................................................................................................. 64

Epitaph on a Friend .......................................................................................................................... 65

5. Children and those who die young .................................................................................................. 65

Babies and Children ............................................................................................................................. 65

Thread 1 - Cot Death Baby........................................................................................... 65 Thread 2 - Stillbirths .................................................................................................... 66

Fly .................................................................................................................................................... 67

Autumn ............................................................................................................................................ 69

Letter to the Foundation’ by Pamela Gail ......................................................................................... 70

Thread 4 - Late terminations ....................................................................................... 71 Safe.................................................................................................................................................. 72

On the death of a child ..................................................................................................................... 72



Candle Lighting Ceremony for Winter ............................................................................................... 72

Teenagers and Young adults ................................................................................................................ 73

6. Difficult funerals .............................................................................................................................. 74

Suicide, ................................................................................................................................................ 74

At times like this............................................................................................................................... 74

The sky is round ............................................................................................................................... 75

First suicide .......................................................................................................................................... 76

from Edmund Spenser’s The Faerie Queen ....................................................................................... 78

The Double Autumn ......................................................................................................................... 79

Why Do I .......................................................................................................................................... 79

Murder ................................................................................................................................................ 80

Sometimes ....................................................................................................................................... 80

tragic deaths ........................................................................................................................................ 81

From The Meaning of Things ............................................................................................................ 81

protracted illnesses, cancer etc ............................................................................................................ 82

Biker’s lament – by Hog Pig .............................................................................................................. 82

To My Friends .................................................................................................................................. 83

Brilliance .......................................................................................................................................... 83

I know this pale pink, ....................................................................................................................... 85

Only your faint breath ...................................................................................................................... 85

EVERYONE SANG .............................................................................................................................. 86

The troubled man chooses death ..................................................................................................... 86

FORGETFULNESS .............................................................................................................................. 86

My prime of youth is but a frost of cares, ......................................................................................... 87

REST ................................................................................................................................................. 88

Death Who....................................................................................................................................... 88

Death Who (2) ................................................................................................................................. 89

Chemotherapy ................................................................................................................................. 90

Don’t worry ...................................................................................................................................... 90

End .................................................................................................................................................. 90

Thirteen Steps and the Thirteenth of March ..................................................................................... 91

Visit.................................................................................................................................................. 92

To a Wren ........................................................................................................................................ 92

Walk Within You .............................................................................................................................. 93



Walk Within You .............................................................................................................................. 94

This Is What I Wanted To Sign Off With ............................................................................................ 94

RIFT.................................................................................................................................................. 95

CODE POEM ..................................................................................................................................... 95

I walk alone where once we walked together. .................................................................................. 95

It’s always those who love the most ................................................................................................. 96

A RED RED ROSE ............................................................................................................................... 96

FUNERAL BLUES ............................................................................................................................... 96

I sleep on the sofa ............................................................................................................................ 97

Difficult people, families or situations ....................................................................... 97 The Road Not Taken ......................................................................................................................... 98

I Am ............................................................................................................................................... 100

Be Not Too Hard ............................................................................................................................ 100

The friendless .............................................................................................................. 101 In Memory of Anyone Unknown to Me .......................................................................................... 101

No family ..................................................................................................................... 101 7. Interests and hobbies .................................................................................................................... 102

THIS BOOKS CAN DO ...................................................................................................................... 102

‘The Lord of the Rings’.................................................................................................................... 102

Reformatted from ’The Old Curiosity Shop’ .................................................................................... 102

From ’Sketches by Boz’................................................................................................................... 103

We were crowded in the cabin ....................................................................................................... 103

In Praise of NARROW BOATS: ......................................................................................................... 104

THE GLORY OF THE GARDEN .......................................................................................................... 104

Reverie........................................................................................................................................... 105

The Garden at Dusk ........................................................................................................................ 106

Our revels are now ended. These our actors, ................................................................................. 106

The World’s a Stage ....................................................................................................................... 107

Theatrical families .......................................................................................................107 For a Good Dog .............................................................................................................................. 109

Master and Man ............................................................................................................................ 109

The faithful eyes of dogs, companionship of cats,........................................................................... 110

from ’Song of Myself’ by Walt Whitman ........................................................................................ 110

SNUFFING ZONE ............................................................................................................................. 111

An appeal to cats in the business of love ........................................................................................ 111

On a Cat Ageing.............................................................................................................................. 112



My eye is wet with tears ................................................................................................................ 113

Things men have made with wakened hands, ................................................................................ 114

The cyclist ...................................................................................................................................... 114

Biker Poem .................................................................................................................................... 115

A brief candle; both ends burning .................................................................................................. 116

I ride the road of solitude, .............................................................................................................. 116

If Bach had been a beekeeper ........................................................................................................ 117

Sad Music ...................................................................................................................................... 117

The Song is Ended .......................................................................................................................... 118

8. The Natural World.......................................................................................................................... 118

After the heady exhilarations of the heights ................................................................................... 118

Afterwards ..................................................................................................................................... 118

Place .............................................................................................................................................. 119

He Wishes For The Cloths of Heaven .............................................................................................. 119

MARGARITAE SORORI, I.M. ............................................................................................................ 120

I WANDERED LONELY AS A CLOUD ................................................................................................. 120

in time of daffodils ......................................................................................................................... 121

MY HEREAFTER .............................................................................................................................. 121

How We Cry ................................................................................................................................... 122

"Trout Fishing" ............................................................................................................................... 123

"Fish, Fishing and the Fisherman" (1927) ........................................................................................ 123

FISHERMEN .................................................................................................................................... 124

From Peace in the Welsh ................................................................................................................ 125

There’s a clean wind blowing ......................................................................................................... 125

THE YORKSHIRE MOORS ................................................................................................................. 125

MOON COMPASSES ....................................................................................................................... 126

I see you still, in dreams and strangers' faces, ................................................................................ 126

BEACH ............................................................................................................................................ 127

The mammoth mass of water when ............................................................................................... 127

To dive ........................................................................................................................................... 128

OLD FRIENDS .................................................................................................................................. 128

Trebetherick .................................................................................................................................. 129

SEA FEVER ...................................................................................................................................... 130

The Song of the River ..................................................................................................................... 130



THE COMPANY OF THE BIRDS ......................................................................................................... 131

Eagle Poem .................................................................................................................................... 131

Nothing Gold Can Stay ................................................................................................................... 132

THE TREES ...................................................................................................................................... 132

IN HARDWOOD GROVES ................................................................................................................ 132

Butterfly, the wind blows sea-ward, strong beyond the garden wall! ............................................. 133

Haiku - Butterflies sober? .............................................................................................................. 133

A Symbol of Love [unknown source] ............................................................................................... 133

The Tree of Life (extract from ‘The Falcon and the Dove’)............................................................... 133

9. To Parents ..................................................................................................................................... 134

Always With You ............................................................................................................................ 134

’Elegy for a mother: clearing the dressing table’ ............................................................................. 135

Poem for a mother: “In life, we are lucky if we can find ................................................................. 136

If there is happiness in our hearts, ................................................................................................. 137

As we look back over time .............................................................................................................. 137

You only have one Mother ............................................................................................................. 137

What Can You Say .......................................................................................................................... 138

Going ............................................................................................................................................. 138

Our Mum had smiles to brighten our days;..................................................................................... 139

Mum .............................................................................................................................................. 139

THIS WAS MY FATHER .................................................................................................................... 140

I See You Dancing, Father ............................................................................................................... 140

MY FATHER .................................................................................................................................... 140

Those Winter Sundays’ ................................................................................................................... 141

To Dad ........................................................................................................................................... 141

My Dad .......................................................................................................................................... 142

Memories of childhood .................................................................................................................. 143

10. Sport ............................................................................................................................................ 144

GAME CALLED ................................................................................................................................ 144

For when that one great scorer comes to write against your name ................................................ 144

Racehorses trot .............................................................................................................................. 145

The Music of the Morn ................................................................................................................... 146

DO THEY KNOW? ........................................................................................................................... 147

I saw the racer coming to the jump, ............................................................................................... 148



Memories of a horse ...................................................................................................................... 148

The Horses ..................................................................................................................................... 149

The Last Round .............................................................................................................................. 150

Play up! Play up! And play the game! ............................................................................................. 150

I bowl to my reflection in the outside kitchen door, ....................................................................... 151

Afternoon Cricket (Part One) .......................................................................................................... 151

Cricket Explained One team is in and one is out. ............................................................................ 151

Cricket ........................................................................................................................................... 152

When An Old Cricketer Leaves The Crease’ .................................................................................... 152

World Without Football ................................................................................................................. 153

Madsummer Thoughts For An Alien ............................................................................................... 154

The love of the game...................................................................................................................... 155

FOOTBALL ...................................................................................................................................... 155

Monologues ................................................................................................................................... 157

Footy Poem .................................................................................................................................... 158

11. Burials, scatterings ...................................................................................................................... 159

Responses for a Burial .................................................................................................................... 159

When I am Not When I am not, ..................................................................................................... 159

Woodland Burial ............................................................................................................................ 160

Safe from the frost and snow, ........................................................................................................ 160

Christina Rossetti The earth is round, the sun the stars and the moon ........................................... 160

The Dead are not under the Earth .................................................................................................. 160

Burials on Private Land ............................................................................................. 160 Interment of Ashes...................................................................................................... 161

SCATTER MY ASHES! ...................................................................................................................... 163

Take me to some high place of heather, rock and ling, ................................................................... 164

Interment - words for a child audience ..................................................................... 164 13. Humorous .................................................................................................................................... 165

Our Father which art in Hendon. .................................................................................................... 165

14. Feelings ........................................................................................................................................ 165

Larger than life characters .............................................................................................................. 165

Corners of the Curving Sky ............................................................................................................. 165

The Parting Glass............................................................................................................................ 166

Not how did he die, but how did he live. ........................................................................................ 166

Be Not Too Hard ............................................................................................................................ 166



15. Parting ......................................................................................................................................... 167

I give you this one thought to keep ................................................................................................ 167

17. Miscellaneous ............................................................................................................................ 167

Impressions Of A Pilot .................................................................................................................... 167

Night Mail ...................................................................................................................................... 168

The Express .................................................................................................................................... 169

Organ donation .............................................................................................................................. 170

18. Advice and discussion from colleagues ........................................................................................ 170

Downs Syndrome ........................................................................................................170 Wrongly convicted ...................................................................................................... 171

Or Tears, idle tears, I know not what they mean, ........................................................................... 171

Death, rock me asleep, ................................................................................................................... 172

Forget not yet the tried intent ........................................................................................................ 173

Life Must Go On ............................................................................................................................. 174

Vegetative State ........................................................................................................... 174 Topical References ...................................................................................................... 175 Committal involvement .............................................................................................. 176 Difficult families .......................................................................................................... 177 Visits on the Phone ..................................................................................................... 178 Humanism ................................................................................................................... 179 Curtains ...................................................................................................................... 180 Lackadaisical staff ...................................................................................................... 183 Thanksgiving Service ................................................................................................. 183 Remembrance Service ............................................................................................... 184 Monty the ‘New Ager’ ................................................................................................ 185 Romany funerals etc ................................................................................................. 186 Registrar Funerals...................................................................................................... 186 Sources of Help for the Bereaved .............................................................................. 187 Containers for a Scattering ........................................................................................ 188 Services via Mobile phones ....................................................................................... 188 Sharing Ideas ............................................................................................................... 191 Music ............................................................................................................................ 191 Tax and Insurance.......................................................................................................193 Family meetings .......................................................................................................... 195 Charging for Extras ..................................................................................................... 195 Applause at funerals .................................................................................................. 196

Our Father ..................................................................................................................................... 199

Cultural estrangement ............................................................................................... 200 Leaflet / card distribution ......................................................................................... 200 Secular Hymns and Singing at Funerals .................................................................. 201 Secular Prayer ............................................................................................................ 203

Let us go out into the world ........................................................................................................... 203

Humanist Hymn / carol ............................................................................................ 204 IMAGINE .................................................................................................................... 206



Emotions at Funerals ................................................................................................. 207 Data Protection Issues ............................................................................................... 209 Advertising ................................................................................................................. 209 Memory Boxes etc for Bereaved Children ................................................................. 211 Double slot funerals ....................................................................................................212 Tips ...............................................................................................................................213 Websites ...................................................................................................................... 214 Pre-need Scripts .......................................................................................................... 215

We are visitors on this planet ......................................................................................................... 217

Becoming emotional .................................................................................................. 218 Humanist funerals & religion.................................................................................... 220 Believers but no priests ............................................................................................. 220 Royal Antediluvian Order of the Buffalos .................................................................221 Hymns at Humanist Funerals ................................................................................... 223 Celebrant or Officiant? .............................................................................................. 226

The Minister................................................................................................................................... 227

Poems of Foreign Origin............................................................................................ 230 The Dead are not under the Earth .................................................................................................. 230

’Tis the Ancestors’ breath ............................................................................................................... 231

WEDDINGS ............................................................................................................................................ 231

Hand fasting ................................................................................................................231 Microphones for outdoor ceremonies ...................................................................... 233 Jumping the broom, Sand pouring........................................................................... 237 Combined weddings with a Registrar....................................................................... 237 Weddings Abroad....................................................................................................... 239 Words for Audience participation ............................................................................ 239

May the road rise with you,............................................................................................................ 239

Renewal of vows ......................................................................................................... 240 Registrars and weddings ........................................................................................... 240 Loving cup and bell of truce ...................................................................................... 241 Rings ........................................................................................................................... 243 Fees & Certificates...................................................................................................... 243 Contracts ..................................................................................................................... 247 Declaration for a gay wedding .................................................................................. 248 Poetry .......................................................................................................................... 249

I rely on you ................................................................................................................................... 249

I Wanna Be Yours ........................................................................................................................... 249

‘I’ll Be There’ .................................................................................................................................. 250

Edward Lear’s The Duck and the Kangaroo’? (Suggested by Christine Riley – Moger ....................... 251

i carry your heart with me .............................................................................................................. 252

Precious You .................................................................................................................................. 252

On Your Wedding Day .................................................................................................................... 253

Always ........................................................................................................................................... 253

Yes, I'll Marry You – ........................................................................................................................ 254



The Art of a Good Marriage ............................................................................................................ 254

Marriage ........................................................................................................................................ 255

The Passionate Shepherd to his Love .............................................................................................. 255

Us two ........................................................................................................................................... 256

Eskimo love song ............................................................................................................................ 256

Love’s Philosophy ........................................................................................................................... 257

Getting married ............................................................................................................................. 257

He Never Leaves the Toilet Seat up ................................................................................................ 257

A Poem for Bride and groom .......................................................................................................... 258

A Lovely Love Story ........................................................................................................................ 259

Marriage Fulfills the Dreams and Love Two People Share ............................................................... 259

MARRIAGE IS.................................................................................................................................. 260

Indian Wedding Blessing ................................................................................................................ 260

Chapter One of One Thousand ....................................................................................................... 260

I Love You ...................................................................................................................................... 261

Irish Blessing .................................................................................................................................. 261

Love Has ........................................................................................................................................ 261

Fidelity ........................................................................................................................................... 262

Eskimo Love Song ........................................................................................................................... 262

Why Marriage? .............................................................................................................................. 262

Hope Is The Thing With Feathers .................................................................................................... 263

How do I love thee? ....................................................................................................................... 263

The Good-Morrow ......................................................................................................................... 263

Believe Me, If All Those Endearing Young Charms .......................................................................... 264

The Married Lover .......................................................................................................................... 264

From Hamlet .................................................................................................................................. 265

First Corinthians ............................................................................................................................. 265

A Gift From the Sea ........................................................................................................................ 265

Gathering ....................................................................................................................................... 266

Blessing .......................................................................................................................................... 266

Four Greetings. .............................................................................................................................. 267

White Writing ................................................................................................................................ 267

One Cigarette ................................................................................................................................. 267

Strawberries .................................................................................................................................. 268



Freedom and Love ......................................................................................................................... 269

The Constant Lover ........................................................................................................................ 269

My Dear and Only Love .................................................................................................................. 270

youth and love 1 ............................................................................................................................ 270

youth and love ii ............................................................................................................................ 271

The Wedding Reel .......................................................................................................................... 271

Love Poem ..................................................................................................................................... 271

Bridal Day ...................................................................................................................................... 272

Love Poem, .................................................................................................................................... 272

Valentine ....................................................................................................................................... 273

Love ............................................................................................................................................... 273

When first we faced, and touching showed. ................................................................................... 274

Morning at Last .............................................................................................................................. 274

Is it for now or always? .................................................................................................................. 274

“I love You” .................................................................................................................................... 275

Because She Would Ask Me Why I Loved Her ................................................................................. 276

Love and Friendship - ..................................................................................................................... 276

With These Rings............................................................................................................................ 277

A dedication to my wife ................................................................................................................. 277

LOVE .............................................................................................................................................. 277

Words on Feeling Safe .................................................................................................................... 278

Song ............................................................................................................................................... 278

Summer Night ................................................................................................................................ 279

At Last ............................................................................................................................................ 279

A Valentine to My Wife .................................................................................................................. 280

ATLAS............................................................................................................................................. 280

You're The One For Me .................................................................................................................. 280

I Will Be Here ................................................................................................................................. 281

Marriage is a promise of love ......................................................................................................... 281

Amo ergo sum ................................................................................................................................ 282

Reprise ........................................................................................................................................... 282

For the Bride and Groom ................................................................................................................ 283

The Good Morrow .......................................................................................................................... 283

O Tell Me the Truth about Love ...................................................................................................... 284



Perfect Woman .............................................................................................................................. 285

Where there is love ........................................................................................................................ 285

Sonnets .......................................................................................................................................... 286

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? ....................................................................................... 286

The Sun Has Burst The Sky ............................................................................................................. 286

Love Is... ......................................................................................................................................... 287

A BIRTHDAY ................................................................................................................................... 287

Wedding ........................................................................................................................................ 288

The Vine ......................................................................................................................................... 288

The Confirmation ........................................................................................................................... 288

'My Lover' ...................................................................................................................................... 289

Friendship, ..................................................................................................................................... 290

COME WITH ME, GO WITH ME ....................................................................................................... 290

So Shall It Be .................................................................................................................................. 290

True love is a durable fire, .............................................................................................................. 291

If I should think of love ................................................................................................................... 291

In Praise of Beauty ......................................................................................................................... 292

Come! O come, my life's delight! .................................................................................................... 293

O Mistress mine, where are you roaming? ..................................................................................... 293

WILD NIGHTS - WILD NIGHTS! ........................................................................................................ 293

THE MASTER SPEED........................................................................................................................ 294

A RING PRESENTED TO JULIA .......................................................................................................... 294

AND IS IT NIGHT? ........................................................................................................................... 294

LOVE FEELS NO BURDEN ................................................................................................................ 295

from 0 LAY THY HAND IN MINE ...................................................................................................... 295

Risks............................................................................................................................................... 295

Brotherhood .................................................................................................................................. 296

Scaffolding ..................................................................................................................................... 296

Us Two ........................................................................................................................................... 297

One Perfect Rose ........................................................................................................................... 298

Extract from Song of the Open Road .............................................................................................. 298

A Good Marriage ............................................................................................................................ 298

Naming for terminally Ill Child ................................................................................ 299 Alternative name for Godparents ............................................................................. 300

’For Owen Gruffydd Dodd aged three hours’ .................................................................................. 302



May the road rise to meet you, ...................................................................................................... 302

May you always be blessed, ........................................................................................................... 303

Follow Your Dreams ....................................................................................................................... 304

I want you to be happy................................................................................................................... 304

Children Learn what they Live ........................................................................................................ 305

A baby will make love stronger....................................................................................................... 305

Ode on the Whole Duty of Parents ................................................................................................. 305

Wishing you many smiles and happy times to come ....................................................................... 306

Lessons for Children to Learn ......................................................................................................... 306

I have seen a mother at a cot – so I know what love is;................................................................... 307

Be true to those who trust thee, .................................................................................................... 307

Here is your first gift....................................................................................................................... 307

There is song in man ...................................................................................................................... 308

Give a Little .................................................................................................................................... 308

Now This is the Day ........................................................................................................................ 308

‘Children’ ....................................................................................................................................... 309

‘Welcome’...................................................................................................................................... 310

In these fingers, in these hands, ..................................................................................................... 310

Remember that I love you, ............................................................................................................. 310

Today’s a Special day ..................................................................................................................... 311

On Children .................................................................................................................................... 311

Footprints ...................................................................................................................................... 312

A Mother’s Wish ............................................................................................................................ 312

A Poem For Parents........................................................................................................................ 312

Brand New Little Daughter ............................................................................................................. 313

For My Baby ................................................................................................................................... 313

Precious one, ................................................................................................................................. 314

Beautiful Boy.................................................................................................................................. 314

Everything Possible ........................................................................................................................ 315

You can be anybody you want to be, .............................................................................................. 315

Spring Morning .............................................................................................................................. 315

Man’s a Man for a ‘that : Robert Burns

...................................................................................................................................................... 316



FUNERALS

1. Committal poems, blessings and texts to end the ceremony

From Three Men in a Boat. (Committal reading) “Slowly the golden memory of the dead sun fades from the hearts of the cold, sad clouds. Silent, like sorrowing children, the birds have ceased their song, and only the moorhen’s plaintive cry and the harsh croak of the corncrake stirs the awed hush around the couch of waters, where the dying day breathes out her last. From the dim woods on either bank, Night’s ghostly army, the grey shadows, creep out with noiseless tread to chase away the lingering rear-guard of the light, and pass, with noiseless, unseen feet, above the waving river-grass, and through the sighing rushes; and Night, upon her sombre throne, folds her black wings above the darkening world, and, from her phantom palace, lit by the pale stars, reigns in stillness.” Jerome K. Jerome

Still

Listen. There is this silence now. This stillness. Gradually we will get used to it. But, for now, It is strange. You have left such a gap. Our world is in shock, holding its breath But listen closer – all your laughter, all your love is still ringing out. Still holding us. All our memories of you are still with us. All the love we shared is still in every one of us. And although we ache from this loss of you, you will always be here – as still and steady, and fierce, as any star. Look. You are shining bright through all our skies. Thank you for being here with us. Char March

The Trees

The trees are coming into leaf Like something almost being said; The recent buds relax and spread, Their greenness is a kind of grief. Is it that they are born again And we grow old? No, they die too, Their yearly trick of looking new Is written down in rings of grain. Yet still the un resting castles thresh In full grown thickness every May. Last year is dead, they seem to say,



Begin afresh, afresh, afresh.

What Time Is It Mr Wolf?

I’m spending time, private time, Trying to change time, I’m buying time, saving time, doing time, I’m making time, I’m marking time, I’m keeping time, by giving up my time, It’s a perfect time to share my time, The sands of time are running out of time, I’m taking time, I’m beating time, Time after time, after time, after time, On borrowed time, so I’m playing for time, I’m lost in time, on the wheel of time, The enemy’s time, the healer’s time, I’m travelling time, Not killing time, nor wasting time, Part time or full time, in record time, my story time, From the start of time, to the end of time, It’s the spirit of time, the sign of time, I’m watching time, using time, Cherishing time, quality time. Philip Larkin

As we look back over time

As we look back over time We find ourselves wondering… Did we remember to thank you enough For all you have done for us? For all the times you were by our sides To help and support us… To celebrate our successes… To understand our problems… And accept our defeats? Or for teaching us by your example, The value of hard work, good judgment, Courage and integrity? We wonder if we ever thanked you For the sacrifices you made. To let us have the very best? And for the simple things we shared? If we have forgotten to show our Gratitude enough for all the things you did. We’re thanking you now. And we are hoping you knew all along. How much you meant to us. Anonymous



Four Candles

The first candle represents our grief. The pain of losing you is intense It reminds us of the depth of our love for you. The second candle represents our courage. To confront our sorrow, To comfort each other, To change our lives. This third candle we light in ????’s memory. For the times we laughed, The times we cried, The times we were angry with each other, The silly things you did, The caring and joy you gave us. The fourth candle we light for our love. We light this candle that your light will always shine As we enter this sad time and share this day of remembering With family and friends. We cherish the special place in our hearts That will always be reserved for you. We thank you for the gift Your living brought each of us. Anon.

Words of Comfort

Life can sometimes bring along Times of sadness and of pain Times when we fear the sun Will never shine again When such times come around Please don’t think of losing hope For you have the strength within That will always help you cope For the mountains before you That seem too steep to climb Will lead you to the sunshine That the clouds have just behind So even though right now They fill your life with sorrow Please know that beyond them Life is beautiful tomorrow Anon.



Shiver Me Timbers

I’m leaving my family, I’m leaving all my friends, My body’s at home but my heart’s in the wind. The clouds are like headlines on a front-page sky, Tears are salt water and the moon’s full and high. I know someday they’re gonna be proud of me; Many before me have been called to the sea, To be up on the crow’s nest singin’ my say, So shiver me timbers I’m sailing away. The fog’s lifting, sand’s shifting, I’m drifting on now, Old Captain Ahab’s got nothing on me now. So let it swallow me, don’t follow me, I’m travelling on alone, The water’s my daughter, I’m gonna skip like a stone. Please call my friends and tell them not to cry, My goodbye is written by the moon and the sky; Nobody knows me, I can’t fathom my staying, So shiver me timbers I’m sailing away. The fog’s lifting, sand’s shifting, I’m drifting on now, Old Captain Ahab’s got nothing on me now. Let it swallow me, don’t follow me, I’m travelling on alone The water’s my daughter, I’m gonna skip like a stone. I’m leaving my family, but my heart’s in the wind. The clouds are like headlines on a front-page sky, So shiver me timbers, I’m sailing away. Tom Waites Death is nothing at all. I have only slipped away into the next room. I am I and you are you. Whatever we were to each other that we are still. Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used. Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow. Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together. Let my name be ever the household word that it always was. Let it be spoken without an effort, without the ghost of a shadow on it. Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is absolutely unbroken continuity. Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight? Henry Scott Holland

If I should go before the rest of you,

Break not a flower, nor inscribe a stone, Nor, when I’m gone, speak in a Sunday voice, But be the usual self that I have known. Weep if you must: Parting is hell, But life goes on So … sing as well! Joyce Grenfell



Song

When I am dead, my dearest, Sing no sad songs for me; Plant thou no roses at my head, Nor shady cypress tree: With showers and dewdrops wet; And if thou wilt, remember, And if thou wilt, forget. I shall not see the shadows, I shall not feel the rain; I shall not hear the nightingale Sing on, as if in pain; And dreaming through the twilight That doth not rise nor set, Haply I may remember And haply may forget. Christina Rossetti (1830 – 1894)

Requiem

Under the wide and starry sky, Dig the grave and let me lie. Glad did I live and gladly die, And I laid me down with a will. This be the verse you grave for me: ‘Here he lies where he longed to be; Home is the sailor, home from sea And the hunter home from the hill.’ Robert Louis Stevenson (1850-1894)

Late fragment

And did you get what you wanted from this life, even so? I did. And what did you want? To call myself beloved, to feel myself beloved on the earth. Raymond Carver



Imagine,

if you can, how a seed tears itself loose, flies, and lands to grow roots. Remember, if you can, how there was a moment before, and will be a moment beyond, this splitting storm. Dream, if you can, how we move in time in a flow through the universe. Hope, if you can. Ingar Palmlund

A voice - about waiting

listening changing course quietly. A river - about living feeling getting older wisely. A bridge - about passing crossing getting over safely. Nothing is lost. Nothing is ever lost although for a while all may seem lost. Ingar Palmlund

The Long Day is Over

(song lyrics) Feeling tired By the fire The long day is over The wind is gone Asleep at dawn The embers burn down



With no reprise The sun will rise The long day is over Norah Jones

Something Beautiful Remains

The tide recedes But leaves behind Bright seashells on the seashore The sun goes down But gentle warmth Still lingers on the land The music stops and yet It lingers on in sweet refrains – For every joy that passes Something beautiful remains Anon.

A Dream of Sleep

My soul slips out upon the tide at night And on the quiet water lies at rest. The dark hills rise on either hand, The moon shines dim upon the sand, And on the sea’s still breast. There is no sound in all this silent place Save little sounds the sleeping spirit craves; Faint music from a waterfall, A lost and lonely curlew’s call, And everlasting waves. Olivia Fitzroy My (less mournful) adaptation of above Olivia Fitzroy poem:

A Dream of Sleep

My soul slips out upon the tide at dawn And on the quiet water lies at rest. The brightening hills rise on either hand, The slow sun shimmers on the sand, And on the sea’s still breast. There is no sound in all this sea-salt place Save little sounds the sleeping spirit craves; Faint music from a waterfall, A seal’s bark, a curlew’s call,



And everlasting waves.

Adapted by Char March

Farewell

Farewell to thee! But not farewell To all my fondest thoughts of thee; Within my heart they still shall dwell And they shall cheer and comfort me. Life seems more sweet that thou didst live And men more true that thou wert one; Nothing is lost that thou didst give, Nothing destroyed that thou hast done. Anne Brontë

I have to say goodbye

I have to say the words that I can hardly bear to think. The world is so much poorer, so much colder without you; but we who cared for you will not forget you, love – ever, ever. I have to say goodbye; I love you, I love you, that’s all there is - and it is everything. I have to say goodbye. Joolz Denby

Traditional Indian Prayer

When I am dead Cry for me a little, Think of me sometimes, But not too much. Think of me now and again As I was in life. At some moments it’s pleasant to recall But not for long. Leave me in peace And I shall leave you in peace – And while you live Let your thoughts be with the living.

Farewell

Farewell dear friends I loved you so much But now I must leave you And spread over me the dust



Fair life fare well Fare never ill Far I go now And say, Farewell. Farewell dear world With the waters around you curled And the grass on your breast I loved you best. Farewell fish and insect Bird, animal, swift mover Grim reptile as well I was your approver. Wide sky, farewell, Sun, moon, stars in places Farewell all fair universes In far places. Stevie Smith

Remember

Remember me when I am gone away, Gone far away into the silent land; When you can no more hold me by the hand, Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay. Remember me when no more day by day You tell me of our future that you planned: Only remember me; you understand It will be late to counsel then or pray. Yet if you should forget me for a while And afterwards remember, do not grieve: For if the darkness and corruption leave A vestige of the thoughts that once I had, Better by far you should forget and smile Than that you should remember and be sad. Christina Rossetti (1830 – 1894)

Do not stand at my grave and weep;

I am not there. I do not sleep. I am a thousand winds that blow. I am the diamond glints on snow. I am the sunlight on ripened grain. I am the gentle autumn rain. When you awaken in the morning’s hush I am the swift uplifting rush Of quiet birds in circled flight. I am the soft stars that shine at night. Do not stand at my grave and cry; I am not there. I did not die.



attributed to Mary Elizabeth Frye - 1932

I came unknowing what the light would show;

Found joy, disasters, wonders, guilt and pain; And cheerfully, unconned by myth, will go Back to the real, indifferent dark again. Harry Bell

Nature I loved and, next to Nature, Art:

I warmed both hands before the fire of life; It sinks, and I am ready to depart. Death stands above me, whispering low I know not what into my ear: Of his strange language all I know Is, there is not a word of fear. Walter Savage Landor

At every turning of my life

I came across Good friends, Friends who stood by me Even when the time raced me by. Farewell, farewell My friends I smile and Bid you goodbye. No, shed no tears For I need them not All I need is your smile. If you feel sad Do think of me For that’s what I’ll like. When you live in the hearts Of those you love Remember then You never die. Rabindranath Tagore

I have lived in this great world

and known its many joys: the thrill of mountains and the morning air, hills and the lonely heather-covered moors,



harvest and the strong sweet scent of hay: a rock-strewn river overhung with trees, shafts of sunlight in a valley leading to the sea, the beat of waves on rough and rocky shores and wild, white spray flung high in ecstasy; the song of birds awakening at dawn and flaming sunsets at the close of day with cooling breezes in the secret night – music and the moonlight sea; the comfort of my home and treasured things, the love of kin and fellowship of friends, firelight and laughter and children at their play with all their hopes and dreams, their freshness as the future beckons them; the tapestry of life, both joy and pain is ours to live but once and not again. When I look back upon my richly varied years, I crave no more, so shed no tears. Leslie Scrase

from The Excursion

And when the stream that overflows has passed, A consciousness remains upon the silent shore of memory; Images and precious thoughts that shall not be And cannot be destroyed. William Wordsworth

Afterglow (extract)

I'd like the memory of me to be a happy one I'd like to leave an afterglow of smiles when life is done I'd like to leave an echo whispering softly down the ways Of happy times and laughing times and bright sunny days I'd like the tears of those who grieve to dry before the sun Of happy memories that I leave when life is done. I think the dead would want us To weep for what they have lost. I think that our luck in continuing Is what would affect them most. But time would find them generous And less self-engrossed. And time would find them generous As they used to be And what else would they want from us But an honoured place in our memory,



A favourite room, a hallowed chair, Privilege and celebrity? And so the dead might cease to grieve And we might make amends And there might be a pact between Dead friends and living friends. What our dead friends would want from us Would be such living friends. James Fenton

Our revels now are ended. These our actors,

Our revels now are ended. These our actors, As I foretold you, were all spirits and Are melted into air, into thin air: And, like the baseless fabric of this vision, The cloud-capped towers, the gorgeous palaces, The solemn temples, the great globe itself, Yea, all which it inherit, shall dissolve And, like this insubstantial pageant faded, Leave not a rack behind. We are such stuff As dreams are made on, and our little life Is rounded with a sleep. From Act IV of ‘The Tempest’ William Shakespeare

From As You Like It Act 2, scene 7

All the world’s a stage,

And all the men and women merely players: They have their exits and their entrances; And one man in his time plays many parts, His acts being seven ages. And so he plays his part. William Shakespeare

To everything there is a season,

and a time for every purpose on Earth: A time to plant, and a time to harvest; A time to break down, and a time to build up; A time to weep, and a time to laugh; A time to mourn, and a time to dance; A time to scatter stones, and a time to collect stones; A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; A time to hold onto, and a time to cast away; A time to rend, and a time to sew; A time to keep silence, and a time to speak; A time to be born, and a time to die;



What gain has the worker from his toil? I know that there is no good, but for a man to rejoice, and do good in his life. Ecclesiastes iii, 1-8: The Bible (edited a bit)

From Intimations of Immortality

What though the radiance which was once so bright Be now forever taken from my sight, Though nothing can bring back the hour Of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower; We will grieve not, rather find Strength in what remains behind. William Wordsworth

Lights Out

I have come to the borders of sleep, The unfathomable deep Forest where all must lose Their way, however straight, Or winding, soon or late; They cannot choose. Many a road and track That, since the dawn's first crack, Up to the forest brink, Deceived the travellers, Suddenly now blurs, And in they sink. Here love ends, Despair, ambition ends, All pleasure and all trouble, Although most sweet or bitter, Here ends in sleep that is sweeter Than tasks most noble. There is not any book Or face of dearest look That I would not turn from now To go into the unknown I must enter and leave alone I know not how. The tall forest towers; Its cloudy foliage lowers Ahead, shelf above shelf; Its silence I hear and obey That I may lose my way And myself. Edward Thomas



From The Hymn of Empedocles

Is it so small a thing To have enjoyed the sun, To have lived light in the spring, To have loved, to have thought, to have done; To have advanced true friends, and beat down baffling foes; That we must feign a bliss Of doubtful future date, And while we dream on this Lose all our present state, And relegate to worlds yet distant our repose? Matthew Arnold

You Have Not Left Me

You have not left me Only your voice is silent And your hands are still. You are not alone For just as surely as the intangible things You left behind are with me So part of me Stepped quietly with you Across the threshold of tomorrow And as is the brilliance of a star In a dark sky So in my heart Is the memory of you Anon

Death in October

Good to go off in colours. Scarlet before the sleet; Fuming crimson, shrieking orange A relaxed butter-pat yellow. Name them. Anything is better than flat worn-out green. Even that is strangely remote in frost lying on the white grass, whiter edged, each vein picked out for the last time, crystalline. G F Dutton



MISS ME BUT LET ME GO

When I come to the end of the road, And the sun has set for me, I want no rites in a gloom filled room. Why cry for a soul set free? Miss me a little - but not too long, And not with your head bowed low. Remember the love that we once shared. Miss me - but let me go. For this is a journey we all must take, And each must go alone. It is all a part of nature's plan, A step on the road to home. When you are lonely and sick of heart, Go to the friends we know, And bury your sorrows in doing good deeds. Miss me but let me go. Anon (Scottish)

Instructions

When I have moved beyond you in the adventure of life, Gather in some pleasant place and there remember me With spoken words, old and new. Let a tear if you will, but let a smile come quickly For I have loved the laughter of life. Do not linger too long with your solemnities. Go eat and talk, and when you can; Follow a woodland trail, climb a high mountain, Sleep beneath the stars, swim a cold river, Chew the thoughts of some book Which challenges your soul. Use your hands some bright day To make a thing of beauty Or to lift someone's heavy load. Though you mention not my name, Though no thought of me crosses your mind, I shall be with you, For these have been the realities of my life for me. And when you face some crisis with anguish. When you walk alone with courage, When you choose your path of right, When you give yourself in love, I shall be very close to you. I have followed the valleys, I have climbed the heights of life. Arnold Crompton



Long Long Way To Go (lyrics)

You held my hand and then you slipped away And I may never see your face again So tell me bow do to fill the emptiness inside Without love, what is life? And anyone who knew us both can see you always were the better part of me I never wanted to be this free All this pain, does it go away? Then every time I turn around And you’re nowhere to be found I know I got a long, long way to go Before I can say goodbye to you I got a long, long way to go Before I can say goodbye to all I ever knew To you, From memory, there is no hiding place Turn on the TV and I see you there In every crowd there’s always someone with your face Everywhere, trying not to care To you, I wish you everythin’ And all the best that life can bring I only hope you think of me sometimes, oh And even though I feel the pain I know that I will love again The time will come, oh, and I’ll move on I got a long, long way to go Before I can say goodbye to you I got a long, long way to go, got a long way to go Before I can say goodbye, before I say goodbye To all I ever knew, to all I ever knew Def Leppard

The Reassurance

About ten days or so After we saw you dead You came back in a dream. I'm all right now you said. And it was you, although You were fleshed out again: You hugged us all round then, And gave your welcoming beam. How like you to be kind, Seeking to reassure. And, yes, how like my mind To make itself secure. Thom Gunn



From Old Man Going

I do not much mind what happens to me when you have done. I remember my mother making herself miserable Saving for a decent funeral. Death isn’t ever decent, and dying’s the last thing you know. I’m sure of that now, watching a stray fly Crawling over the great far space of thick Cream gloss paint so high above my head. I don’t mind what you do with the bits when I’m dead. When you take off this ruddy drip and fold up the tubes And wheel away the catheter, for the last time Thank God, And let my stinking body rot in its uraemia There will not be any of it I want honoured. Mind you I wouldn’t want anyone’s bits and pieces But if someone else wants to live like that, they’re welcome To use anything of mine; then again If you’re too old to live you can’t pass anything on. My cousin, of course, she would be shocked to hear me. She’ll see to it all, she’s done it for all my brothers. She’d want to think it made a difference to me. But it’s while I live I want a bit of honour. My last wishes I won’t know about It’s the last but one or two I want respected. Jenny Joseph

2. Thoughts on life and death

Reflection on an Autumn Day

I took up a handful of grain and let it slip flowing through my fingers, and I said to myself This is what it is all about. There is no longer any room for pretence. At harvest time the essence is revealed - the straw and chaff are set aside, they have done their job. The grain alone matters - sacks of pure gold. So it is when a person dies the essence of that person is revealed. At the moment of death a person's character stands out happy for the person who has forged it well over the years. Then it will not be the great achievement that will matter, nor, how much money or possessions a person has amassed. These like the straw and the chaff, will be left behind. It is what he has made of himself that will matter. Death can take away from us what we have, but it cannot rob us of who we are.

Anon

Happy the Man

Happy the man, and happy he alone, He who can call today his own: He who, secure within, can say, Tomorrow do thy worst, for I have lived today. Be fair or foul or rain or shine The joys I have possessed, in spite of fate, are mine.



Not Heaven itself upon the past has power, But what has been, has been, and I have had my hour. John Dryden Then Almitra spoke, saying, "We would ask now of Death." And he said: "You would know the secret of death. But how shall you find it unless you seek it in the heart of life? The owl whose night-bound eyes are blind unto the day cannot unveil the mystery of light. If you would indeed behold the spirit of death, open your heart wide unto the body of life. For life and death are one, even as the river and the sea are one. For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun? And what is to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered? Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing. And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb. And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance." Kahlil Gibran

The Beauty of Death (Part Two - The Ascending)

I have passed a mountain peak and my soul is soaring in the Firmament of complete and unbound freedom; I am far, far away, my companions, and the clouds are Hiding the hills from my eyes. The valleys are becoming flooded with an ocean of silence, and the Hands of oblivion are engulfing the roads and the houses; The prairies and fields are disappearing behind a white specter That looks like the spring cloud, yellow as the candlelight And red as the twilight. The songs of the waves and the humans of the streams Are scattered, and the voices of the throngs reduced to silence; And I can hear naught but the music of Eternity In exact harmony with the spirit's desires. I am cloaked in full whiteness; I am in comfort; I am in peace.

Kahlil Gibran

The Lake Isle of Innisfree

I will arise and go now, and go to Innisfree, And a small cabin build there, of clay and wattles made: Nine bean-rows will I have there, a hive for the honeybee, And live alone in the bee-loud glade. And I shall have some peace there, for peace comes dropping slow, Dropping from the veils of the morning to where the cricket sings; There midnight's all a glimmer, and noon a purple glow, And evening full of the linnet's wings. I will arise and go now, for always night and day I hear lake water lapping with low sounds by the shore;



While I stand on the roadway, or on the pavements grey, I hear it in the deep heart's core. WB Yeats

The Song of Wandering Aengus

I went out to the hazel wood, Because a fire was in my head, And cut and peeled a hazel wand, And hooked a berry to a thread; And when white moths were on the wing, And moth-like stars were flickering out, I dropped the berry in a stream And caught a little silver trout. When I had laid it on the floor I went to blow the fire a-flame, But something rustled on the floor, And some one called me by my name: It had become a glimmering girl With apple blossom in her hair Who called me by my name and ran And faded through the brightening air. Though I am old with wandering Through hollow lands and hilly lands, I will find out where she has gone, And kiss her lips and take her hands; And walk among long dappled grass, And pluck till time and times are done The silver apples of the moon, The golden apples of the sun. W.B. Yeats

Slow Dance

Have you ever watched kids On a merry-go-round? Or listened to the rain Slapping on the ground? Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight? Or gazed at the sun into the fading night? You'd better slow down. Don't dance so fast. Time is short. The music won't last. Do you run through each day On the fly? When you ask "How are you?" Do you hear the reply? When the day is done Do you lie in your bed



With the next hundred chores Running through your head? You'd better slow down Don't dance so fast. Time is short. The music won't last. Ever told your child, We'll do it tomorrow? And in your haste, Not see his sorrow? Ever lost touch, Let a good friendship die Cause you never had time To call and say "Hi"? You'd better slow down. Don't dance so fast. Time is short. The music won't last. When you run so fast to get somewhere You miss half the fun of getting there. When you worry and hurry through your day, It is like an unopened gift.... Thrown away. Life is not a race. Do take it slower Hear the music Before the song is over. David L. Weatherford

Life Must Go On... a Navaho Prayer

Grieve for me, for I would grieve for you. Then brush away the sorrow and the tears Life is not over, but begins anew, with courage you must greet the coming years. To live forever in the past is wrong; can only cause you misery and pain. Dwell not on memories overlong, with others you must share and care again. Reach out and comfort those who comfort you; recall the years, but only for a while. Nurse not your loneliness; but live again. Forget not. Remember with a smile.

To Those I Love

If I should ever leave you whom I love To go along the Silent Way, grieve not, Nor speak of me with tears, but laugh and talk Of me as if I were beside you there. (I'd come--I'd come, could I but find a way! But would not tears and grief be barriers?) And when you hear a song or see a bird I loved, please do not let the thought of me



Be sad...For I am loving you just as I always have...You were so good to me! There are so many things I wanted still To do--so many things to say to you... Remember that I did not fear...It was Just leaving you that was so hard to face... We cannot see Beyond...But this I know: I loved you so--'twas heaven here with you! Isla Paschal Richardson

A Parting Guest

What delightful hosts are they--- Life and Love! Lingeringly I turn away, This late hour, yet glad enough They have not withheld from me Their high hospitality. So, with face lit with delight And all gratitude, I stay Yet to press their hands and say, "Thanks. --So fine a time! Good night." James Whitcomb Riley

Not, how did he die, but how did he live?

Not, what did he gain, but what did he give? These are the units to measure the worth Of a man as a man, regardless of his birth. Nor what was his church, nor what was his creed? But had he befriended those really in need? Was he ever ready, with words of good cheer, To bring back a smile, to banish a tear? Not what did the sketch in the newspaper say, But how many were sorry when he passed away? Anonymous

The Company of the Birds

Ah the company of the birds I loved and cherished on earth Now, freed of flesh we fly Together, a flock of beating wings, I am as light, as feathery, As gone from gravity we soar In endless circles Sasha Moorsom “I’m not afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” Woody Allen



To realize

To realize The value of a sister Ask someone who doesn't have one. To realize The value of ten years: Ask a newly divorced couple. To realize The value of four years: Ask a graduate. To realize The value of one year: Ask a student who has failed a final exam. To realize The value of nine months: Ask a mother who gave birth to a stillborn. To realize The value of one month: Ask a mother who has given birth to a premature baby. To realize The value of one week: Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper. To realize The value of one hour: Ask the lovers who are waiting to meet. To realize The value of one minute: Ask a person who has missed the train. To realize The value of one-second: Ask a person who has survived an accident. To realize The value of one millisecond: Ask the person who got silver in the Olympics. To realize the value of a friend: Lose one. Time waits for no-one. Treasure every moment you have. Anon



Going without saying

It is a great pity we don’t know When the dead are going to die So that, over a last companionable Drink, we could tell them How much we liked them. Happy the man who, dying, can Place his hand on his heart and say: “At least I didn’t neglect to tell the thrush how beautifully she sings.” Bernard Donoghue

Death

I have seen death come on slowly as rust sand or suddenly, as when someone leaving a room finds the doorknob come loose in his hand John Stone

The Dash

(On any memorial, you are given the date of birth, and then there’s a dash, and then the date the person died. This poem is about that dash.) I read of a person who stood to speak at the funeral of a friend. He referred to the dates on his tombstone from the beginning to the end. He noted that first came the date of his birth and spoke of the date with tears. But he said what mattered most of all was the dash between those years. For that dash represents all the time that he spent alive on this earth and now only those who loved him know what that little line is worth. For it matters not how much we own: the cars – the house – the cash; what matters is how we live and love and how we spend our dash. So think about this long and hard.



Are there things you’d life to change? For you never know how much time is left – you could be at dash mid-range. So let’s just slow down enough to consider what’s true and real and always try to understand the way that others feel. And be less quick to anger and show appreciation more, and love the people in our lives like we never did before. Let’s treat each other with respect and more often with a smile, remembering that this little dash might only last a while. So, when your eulogy is read; and your life’s actions are rehashed – would you be pleased with what they say about how you spent your dash? Linda Ellis

Someone

(edited by Char March) someone is dressing up for death today, a change of skirt or tie eating a final feast of buttered sliced pan, tea shaving his face to marble for the icy laying out someone today is leaving home on business saluting, terminally, the neighbours who will join in her cortege someone is trimming his nails for the last time, a precious moment someone is putting out milkbottles for a day that will not come someone’s fresh breath is about to be taken clean away someone is writing a cheque that will be marked ‘drawer deceased’ someone is circling posthumous dates on a calendar someone is listening to an irrelevant weather forecast someone is making rash promises to friends someone’s coffin is being sanded, laminated, shined who feels this morning quite as well as ever someone if asked would find nothing remarkable in today’s date perfume and goodbyes her final will and testament someone today is seeing the world for the last time as innocently as he had seen it first Dennis O’Driscoll

Ridge walking

this was my life



out here on this edge windy there - a narrow ridge sometimes I was scared had to squeeze my eyes shut hug myself to the rock crawl along on all fours mumbling mantras but often I danced the thin line whirling in the sun shouting in an arms-up, head-back laugh this was my life out here a slim chance with steep drops on either side but the views were bloody marvellous Char March The death of each of us is in the order of things: it follows life as surely as night follows day. We can take the tree of life as a symbol. (OR: my favourite symbol is the tree of life) The human race is the trunk and branches of this tree and individual men and women are the leaves, which appear one season, flourish for a summer and then die. I too am like a leaf of this tree, and one day I will be torn off by a storm, or simply decay and fall – and become part of the earth about its roots. But, while I live, I am conscious of the tree’s flowing steadfast strength. Deep down in my consciousness is the consciousness of a collective life, a life of which I am part, and to which I make a minute but unique contribution. When I die and fall the tree remains, nourished to some small degree by the manifestation of my life. Millions of leaves have preceded me and millions will follow me: but the tree itself grows and endures. Herbert Read (adapted) (It has an alternative start – “My own attitude towards death has never been one of fear”)

The life of one we love

The life of one we love is never lost... its influence goes on through all the lives it ever touched. Christopher Halloway

A Life Well Lived

A life well lived is a precious gift Of hope and strength and grace, From someone who has made our world A brighter, better place



It’s filled with moments, sweet and sad With smiles and sometimes tears, With friendships formed and good times shared And laughter through the years. A life well lived is a legacy Of joy and pride and pleasure, A living, lasting memory Our grateful hearts we’ll treasure Anon Sorrow is not forever, love is. Bobby McFerrin

To see a World in a grain of sand,

And a Heaven in a wild flower, Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand, And Eternity in an hour. William Blake Let us be contented with what has happened, and be thankful for all that we have been spared. Let us accept the natural order of things in which we move. Let us reconcile ourselves to the mysterious rhythms of our destinies, such as they must be in this world of space and time. Let us treasure our joys but not bewail our sorrows. The glory of light cannot exist without its shadows. Life is a whole, and good and ill must be accepted together. The journey has been enjoyable and well worth making – once. Winston Churchill

Death’s Secret

It is not true That death begins after life. When life stops Death also stops. Gösta Ågren – (translated from the Finland Swedish by David McDuff)

Death does not come from outside…

Death does not come from outside. Death is within. Is born and grows together with us. Goes with us to kindergarten and school. Learns with us to read and count. Goes sledging with us, and to the pictures. Seeks with us the meaning of life.



Tries to make sense of Einstein and Eastenders. Discovers with us our first clumsy kiss. Marries, bears children, quarrels, makes up. Separates, or perhaps not, with us. Goes to work, goes to the doctor, goes camping, to the convalescent home and the sanatorium. Grows old, sees children married. Retires with us, looks after grandchildren, grows ill, dies with us. Let us not fear, then. Our death will not outlive us. Jaan Kaplinski – translated from the Estonian by Hildi Hawkins (and adapted by Char March)

how fortunate are you and i, whose home

is timelessness: we who have wandered down from fragrant mountains of eternal now to frolic in such mysteries as birth and death a day (or maybe even less) e.e. cummings An individual human existence should be like a river – small at first, narrowly contained within its banks, and rushing passionately past boulders and over waterfalls. Gradually the river grows wider, the banks recede, the waters flow more quietly, and – in the end – without any visible break, they become merged in the sea, and painlessly lose their individual being. The man or woman who, in old age, can see his or her life in this way, will not suffer from the fear of death, since the things they care for will continue. Bertrand Russell Whenever your life shall finish, it is then complete. The value of life is not in the duration; it is in the use; he has lived long who has lived a little. Give your mind to it whilst you are in it, it lies in your will, not in the number of years, whether you have had sufficient life. Michel de Montaigne People die. That truth is so disheartening that at times I can’t bear to articulate it. Why should we go on, you might ask? Why don’t we all just stop and lie down where we are? But there is another truth too. People live. It is an equal and opposing truth. People live in the most remarkable ways. Lance Armstrong (cyclist and seven-times winner of the Tour de France)

Listen to the exhortation of the dawn!

Look to this day! For it is life, the very life of life. In its brief course lie all the verities And realities of your existence.



The bliss of growth, The glory of action, The splendour of beauty. For yesterday is but a memory And tomorrow is only a vision. But today, well lived, Makes every yesterday a dream of happiness And every tomorrow a vision of hope. Look well, therefore, to this day. Such is the salutation of the dawn. Translation from Sanskrit

Do not go gentle into that good night,

Old age should burn and rave at close of day; Rage, rage against the dying of the light. Though wise men at their end know dark is right. Because their words have forked no lightning they Do not go gentle into that good night. Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay, Rage, rage against the dying of the light. Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight, And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way, Do not go gentle into that good night. Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay, Rage, rage against the dying of the light. And you, my father, there on the sad height, Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray. Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light. Dylan Thomas All living things are subject to death: it is the basis of growth. Through evolution, in the course of millions upon millions of deaths, humanity has evolved. We carry this inheritance. But we, as human individuals, have a more personal contribution to make, in the value of our own lives. And those of us who accept the unity and completeness of the natural order, and believe that to die means the end of the conscious personality, look death in the face with honesty, with dignity, and with calm acceptance. Te Maunga Tapu

Nothing can take the past

away. It grows as shadows for shelter. The dead live in winds, trees, the call of birds, settling on the shoulder of the mountain.



Spirits turn landmarks take form talk with us. In the house of the ancestors the heart’s dark contour beats its pattern of fire. Riemke Ensing 1988

You can shed tears that she is gone

or you can smile because she has lived. You can close your eyes and pray that she’ll come back or you can open your eyes and see all she has left. Your heart can be empty because you cannot see her or you can be full of the love you shared. You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday. You can remember her and only that she has gone or you can cherish her memory and let it live on. You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back or you can do what she would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on. (or replace she / her with he / him) David Harkins

From ‘The Two Of Us’

“I feel I have reached a fork in the road. One route leads to recovery, the other to life-long martyrdom. There are no oughts or shoulds, but I choose the positive route. I almost feel I am in danger of clinging onto my grief for fear of losing him if I let it go.” Sheila Hancock Those who live nobly, if in their day they live obscurely, need not fear that they have lived in vain. Something radiates from their lives, some light that shows the way to their friends, their neighbours, perhaps to long future ages. The individual, if he is filled with love of mankind, with breadth of vision, with courage, and with endurance, can do a great deal. Bertrand Russell

From the Ruba’iyat of Omar Khayyam

XIV The worldly hope men set their hearts upon Turns ashes – or it prospers; and anon, Like snow upon the desert’s dusty face



Lighting a little hour or two – is gone. XLVII And if the wine you drink, the lip you press, End in the nothing all things end in – yes – Then fancy while thou art, thou art but what Thou shalt be – nothing – thou shalt not be less. LI The moving finger writes; and having writ, moves on: nor all thy piety nor wit Shall lure it back to cancel half a line, Nor all thy tears wash out a word of it. translated by Edward Fitzgerald

From Love Lines of Dying

The present life of men on earth, as compared with the whole length of time which is unknowable to us, seems to me like the swift flight of a single sparrow through the hall on a winter’s day. In the midst there is a comforting fire to warm the hall; outside, the storms of winter rain or snow are raging. This sparrow flies swiftly in through one door, and out through another. While he is inside, he is safe from the winter storms; but after a few moments of comfort, he vanishes from sight into the wintry world from which he came. In the same way, man appears on earth for a little while; but of what went before this life, or of what follows, we know nothing. Bede,(early English historian), History of the English Church and People Death hides no secret; it opens no door; it is the end of a person. What survives is what he or she has given to other people – what stays in their memory. Norbert Elias

I sit beside the fire and think

I sit beside the fire and think of all that I have seen, of meadow-flowers and butterflies in summers that have been; Of yellow leaves and gossamer in autumns that there were, with morning mist and silver sun and wind upon my hair. I sit beside the fire and think of how the world will be when winter comes without a spring that I shall ever see. For still there are so many things that I have never seen! in every wood in every spring there is a different green. I sit beside the fire and think of people long ago, and people who will see a world



that I shall never know. J.R.R. Tolkien

From The Prophet

The Almitra spoke, saying “We would ask now of death.” And the Prophet said, “You would know the secret of death? But how shall you find it unless you seek it in the heart of life? The owl whose nightbound eyes are blind unto the day cannot unveil the mystery of light. If you would indeed behold the spirit of death, open your heart wide unto the body of life. For life and death are one, even as the river and the sea are one. For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun? And what is it to cease breathing but to feel the breath from its restless tides?” Kahlil Gibran

The Dead

The dead are always looking down on us, they say, while we are putting on our shoes or making a sandwich, they are looking down through the glass-bottom boats of heaven as they row themselves slowly through eternity. They watch the tops of our heads moving below on earth, and when we lie down in a field or on a couch, drugged perhaps by the hum of a warm afternoon, they think we are looking back at them, which makes them lift their oars and fall silent and wait, like parents, for us to close our eyes. Billy Collins We are often depressed by reading daily in our newspapers of diplomatic deadlock, of war, violence and crime; but we forget the vast volume of normal goodness which upholds human existence day by day. It's failure, even for an hour, would be as fatal to mankind as the failure of the sun. The men and women whose names are written in history are few, but there are many whose quality of life is built



into the fabric of our country, its traditions and its institutions. Without them, statesmanship would be helpless and literature dumb. The good deeds of a person do not die with them. The work they did, the smiles they brought, the way in which they kept working through difficult times — these and other aspects of them cannot be erased. These gifts and effort have been added to the collective heritage of all humans; but it is not without tears that we watch them leave our lives. Anon

Death is not the End

Death is not the end But the beginning Of a metamorphosis. For matter is never destroyed Only transformed And rearranged Often more perfectly. Witness how in the moment of the caterpillar’s death The beauty of the butterfly is born And released from the prison of the cocoon It flies free. Peter Tatchell No young man ever thinks he shall die. He may believe that others will, or assent to the doctrine that 'all men are mortal' as an abstract proposition, but he is far enough from bringing it home to himself individually. If, in a moment of idle speculation, we indulge in this notion of the close of life as a theory, it is amazing at what distance it seems; what a long leisurely interval there is between. We eye the furthest verge of the horizon, and think what a way we shall have to look back upon, ere we arrive at our journey's end - and without our in the least suspecting it, the mists are at our feet, and the shadows of age encompass us. The two divisions of our lives have melted into each other: the extreme points close and meet with none of that romantic interval stretching out between them that we had reckoned upon. The pains by their repeated blows have worn us out, and have left us neither spirit nor inclination to encounter them again in retrospect. We do not want to rip up old grievances, nor to renew our youth like a phoenix, nor to live our lives twice over. Once is enough. As the tree falls so let it lie. Shut up the book and close the account for all. The most rational cure after all for the inordinate fear of death is to set a just value on life. If we merely wish to continue on the scene to indulge our headstrong humours and tormenting passions, we had better be gone at once; and if we only cherish a fondness for existence according to the good we derive from it, the pang we feel at parting with it will not be very severe. Perhaps the best cure for the fear of death is to reflect that life has a beginning as well as an end. There was a time when we were not: This gives us no concern - why, then, should it trouble us that a time will come when we shall cease to be? To die is only to be as we were before we were born; yet no one feels any remorse, or regret, or repugnance, in contemplating this last idea. It seems to have been a holiday time with us then: we were not called to appear upon the stage of life, to wear robes or tatters, to laugh or cry, be hooted or applauded; we have lain snug all this while, out of harm's way; and we had slept out our thousands of centuries without wanting to be waked up; at peace and free from care, wrapped in the finest and softest dust.



And the worst that we dread is, after a short, fretful, feverish being, after vain hopes and idle fears, to sink into final repose again, and forget the troubled dream of life. William Hazlitt

from the Genizah in Cairo

How suddenly it comes, this last today; Tomorrow seems so far away when we are young, Then it is here; The end of now. There was a time when, if I could, I would have forced the door to yesterday, To live the joys of early love, To feel once more the thrust of time into tomorrow's endlessness. But I am older now, and know that there is a last today, And the sun will not more rise To wash with light my clouded eyes. Tomorrow...? Who knows where I shall be? Perhaps in some eternity Where all time gone and still to be are one.

from Nature and Eternity Only by walking hand in hand with nature, only by a reverent and loving study of the mysteries forever around us, is it possible to disabuse the mind of the narrow view, the contracted belief that time is now and eternity tomorrow. Eternity is today. The goldfinches and the tiny caterpillars, the brilliant sun, if looked at lovingly and thoughtfully, will lift the soul out of the smaller life of human care that is of selfish aims, bounded by seventy years, into the greater, the limitless life which has been going on over universal space from endless ages past, which is going on now, and which will forever and forever, in one form, or another, continue to proceed. Richard Jefferies I would rather be ashes than dust! I would rather that my spark should burn out in a brilliant blaze than it should be stifled by dry-rot. I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permanent planet. The proper function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them. I shall use my time. Jack London

From The Last Word on Sorrow

Think of those you care about, imagine them mourning when you die, and ask yourself, how much sorrow you would wish them to bear. The answer would surely be: neither too much, nor for too long. You would wish them to come to terms with loss, and thereafter to remember the best of the past with joy, and you would wish them to continue life hopefully, which is the natural sentiment of the human condition. If that is what we wish, for those we will leave behind us when we die, then that is what we must believe would be desired by those who have already died. In that way we do justice to a conception of what their best and kindest wishes for us would be, and thereby, begin to restore the balance that is upset by this most poignant of life’s sorrows. A.C. Grayling



We would be foolish to suppose that all sorrow can be avoided. The final parting signified by death is bound to bring shock and sorrow whenever the ties of love and friendship are involved. Those who feel deeply will grieve deeply. No philosophy or religion ever taught can prevent this wholly human reaction. We all know some day we will die; we can only hope that death comes at the optimum time, neither too soon nor too late. However, very often it is the final disabling illness that is the tragedy, the resulting death, when it comes, may be a release from suffering, or at least the avoidance of a long distressing decline. We may be able to see xxxxxxxxx’s death in this way. He is lucky who, in the full tide of life, has experienced a measure of the active environment that he most desires. In these days of upheaval and violent change, when the basic values of today are the vain and shattered dreams of tomorrow, there is much to be said for a philosophy which aims at living a full life while the opportunity offers. There are few treasures of more lasting worth than the experience of a way of life that is, in itself, wholly satisfying. Such, after all, are the only possessions of which no fate, no cosmic catastrophe, can deprive us; nothing can alter the fact if, for one moment in eternity we have really lived. Eric Shipton (mountaineer)

The Instinct of Hope

Is there another world for this frail dust To warm with life and be itself again? Something about me daily speaks there must, And why should instinct nourish hopes in vain? 'Tis nature's prophesy that such will be, And everything seems struggling to explain The close sealed volume of its mystery. Time wandering onward keeps its usual pace As seeming anxious of eternity, To meet that calm and find a resting place. E'en the small violet feels a future power And waits each year renewing blooms to bring, And surely man is no inferior flower To die unworthy of a second spring? John Clare

from the play, Going Gently

We are all born once. We all die once. That is the end of the equality meted out by this world. Let us not fear this thing. We cannot avoid the fear of painful illness, but we must not fear death itself. The value of life lies in its brevity. Relish the miracle of life every day. Make the most if it, both for yourselves and for others. Don’t fear other people’s death. Hard though it is, don’t grieve for your loss, but think of their peace and give thanks for their life which lives on in you. Nothing ends with your death, except unimportant little you. Life is a relay race. Pass the baton. David Nobbs (spoken by Kate, a character in the play) It may help to think of xxx in this way. That she relished the wonder of life every day is so clear from the love she gave the people around her, the interests that she had and the enthusiasm that she showed. That her life lives on in you is important for you all. From a humanist funeral service



From A Song of Living

Because I have loved life, I shall have no sorrow to die. I have sent up my gladness on wings, to be lost in the blue of the sky. I have run and leaped with the rain, I have taken the wind to my breast. My cheek like a drowsy child to the face of the earth I have pressed. Because I have loved life, I shall have no sorrow to die. Amelia Josephine Burr When Bob Geldof was interviewed recently, he was asked what he would like written on his gravestone. He thought for just a second and then said: It would have to be – “Fuck! That was interesting!” As for the meaning of life, I do not believe that it has any. I do not at all ask what it is, but I suspect that it has none and this is a source of great comfort to me. We make of it what we can and that is all there is about it. (Those who seek for some cosmic all-embracing libretto or God are, believe me, pathetically mistaken.) Isaiah Berlin - philosopher This is the true joy of life, the being used for a purpose recognised by yourself as a mighty one; the being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy. I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the whole community and as long as I live, it is my privilege to do for it whatever I can. I want to be thoroughly used up when I die, for the harder I work the more I live. I rejoice in life for its own sake. Life is no “brief candle” to me. It is like a splendid torch which I have got hold of for the moment, and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations. George Bernard Shaw Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself. George Bernard Shaw I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge – myth is more potent than history – dreams are more powerful than facts – hope always triumphs over experience – laughter is the cure for grief – love is stronger than death. Robert Fulghum I am a temporary enclosure for a temporary purpose; that served, my skull and teeth, my idiosyncrasy and desire, will disperse, I believe, like the timbers of a booth after the fair. H G Wells (1866-1946) I will be conquered; I will not capitulate. Dr Samuel Johnson 1709-1784 (in his last illness.) It matters not how a man dies, but how he lives. The act of dying is not of importance, it lasts so short a time. Dr Samuel Johnson 1709-1784 The meaning of life is that it stops. Franz Kafka (1883-1924)



I warmed both hands before the fire of life; it sinks and I am ready to depart. Walter Savage Landor (1775-1864)

Leave this world, Nature says,

as you entered here. The same passage which you made from death to life, without fuss and without fear, make it again from life to death. Your death is in the order of things: it belongs to the life of the world. Lucretius (Roman poet and philosopher 99-55 BCE) If I can choose between a death of torture, and one that is quick and easy, why should I not select the latter? As I choose the ship in which I sail, and the house which I inhabit, so will I choose the death by which I leave life. Seneca (Roman playwright 4 BCE – 65 Wherever your life ends, there it is complete. The value of life lies not in its length, but in the use we make of it. This or that man may have lived many years, yet lived little. Pay good heed to that in your own life. Whether you have lived long enough depends upon yourself, not on the number of your years. Michel de Montaigne 1533-1592 – translated by Alan Marshall She seemed, with little cries and protests and quick recognitions, movements like the darts of some fine light-feathered, free-pecking bird, to stand before life as before some full shop window. Henry James You, who have the heart of an explorer and the soul of a poet – death is that state in which one exists only in the memory of others which is why it is not an end. No goodbyes, just good memories. Natasha Yar to Jean-Luc Picard Land belongs to a vast family of which many are dead, a few are living, and countless numbers are still unborn. Nigerian saying I shall learn how to dance on the moving carpet of life, not feel like the rug’s being pulled out from under my feet. Anon Time by itself means nothing, no matter how fast it moves. Unless we give it something to carry for us: something we value. Because it is such a precious vehicle, is time. Ama Ata Aidoo If you think you’re too small to make a difference, then you’ve never slept with a mosquito. Anita Roddick Art is the axe for the frozen sea inside us. Kafka Everyone has talent. What is rare is the courage to follow the talent to the dark place where it leads. Erica Jong I agree with no man’s opinion. I have some of my own. Ivan Turgenev Life, you know, is rather like opening a tin of sardines. We are all of us looking for the key. Alan Bennett “Life”, said Marvin, “don’t talk to me about life.”



Douglas Adams – from Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

3. Outlooks, ideals, politics, Humanism This much I’m reasonably certain of – that there are much worse emotions to have to live with than sadness, however vast and deep that sadness might be. It can be uplifting, invigorating, strengthening, motivating and, above all, a powerful reminder of how much that person still matters, and always will. It can be other things too, but don’t let it. Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves: “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?” Actually, who are you not to be? Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we’re liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. Nelson Mandela

What is success?

To laugh often and love much, to win the respect of intelligent persons and the affection of children; to earn the approbation of honest critics and to endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to give one's self; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to have played and laughed with enthusiasm and sung with exultation; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived, this is to have succeeded. Ralph Waldo Emerson

A Successful Man

That man is a success - who has lived well, laughed often and loved much; who has gained the respect of intelligent men and the love of children; who has filled his niche and accomplished his task; who leaves the world better than he found it; who has never lacked appreciation of earth's beauty or failed to express it.; who looked for the best in others and gave the best he had. Anon

A Measure of A Man

The measure of a man is not determined By his show of outward strength Or the volume of his voice Or the thunder of his actions Or by his intellect It is seen in the love that he has



For his family and for everyone The strength of his commitments The genuineness of his friendships The sincerity of his purpose The quiet courage of his convictions The fun, laughter, joy and happiness he gives to his family and to others His love of life His patience and his honesty And his contentment with what he has Grady Poulard

Warning

When I am an old woman I shall wear purple With a red hat which doesn't go, and doesn't suit me. And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves And satin sandals, and say we've no money for butter. I shall sit down on the pavement when I'm tired And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells And run my stick along the public railings And make up for the sobriety of my youth. I shall go out in my slippers in the rain And pick the flowers in other people's gardens And learn to spit. You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat And eat three pounds of sausages at a go Or only bread and pickle for a week And hoard pens and pencils and beermats and things in boxes. But now we must have clothes that keep us dry And pay our rent and not swear in the street And set a good example for the children. We must have friends to dinner and read the papers. But maybe I ought to practise a little now? So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple. Jenny Joseph

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; listen to others, even the dull and ignorant: they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself to others you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of



trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself . Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings; many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Whatever your labours and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its shams, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful; strive to be happy.

If

If you can keep your head when all about you Are losing theirs and blaming it on you, If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you, But make allowance for their doubting too; If you can wait and not be tired of waiting, Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies, Or being hated, don’t give way to hating, And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise: If you can dream – and not make dreams your master; If you can think – and not make thoughts your aim; If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster And treat those two impostors just the same; If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools, Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken, And stoop and build ‘em up with worn-out tools: If you can make one heap of all your winnings And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss, And lose, and start again at your beginnings And never breathe a word about your loss; If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew To serve your turn long after they are gone, And so hold on when there is nothing in you Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’ If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue, Or walk with Kings – nor lose the common touch, If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you, If all men count with you, but none too much; If you can fill the unforgiving minute With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run, Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it, And – which is more – you’ll be a Man, my son! Rudyard Kipling



We believe that human problems can only be solved by humans and we live our lives without religious belief. From www. Humanism.org

To a Descendant

I shall not be an importunate, nagging ghost Sighing for unsaid prayers, the family spectre Advertising that someone is due to join me……. Nor one who has to be exorcised by the rector. I shall not be the commercial type of ghost, Pointing to boxes of gold under the floor And I certainly don’t intend to jangle chains Or carry my head…(such a gruesome type of chore!) I shall not cause draughts, be noisy, spoil you let – In fact, to be brief, I shan’t materialise. But I shall be pleased is anyone ever sees me In you face or your walk or the glance of your Laughing eyes. Lorna Wood

Risk

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool. To weep is to risk being called sentimental. To reach out to another is to risk involvement. To expose feelings is to risk showing your true self. To place your ideas and your dreams before the crowd is to risk being called naïve. To love is to risk not being loved in return. To live is to risk dying. To hope is to risk despair. To try is to risk failure, but risks need to be taken because the greatest risk in life is to risk nothing. The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing and becomes nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn, feel, change, grow or love. Chained by his certitude, he is a slave. he had forfeited his freedom. Only the person who risks, is truly free. Janet Rand

from Office Without Power, Diaries 1968-72

The new citizen, despite his fears and doubts and lack of self-confidence, is a far more formidable person than his forebears. Increasingly he dislikes being ordered around by anyone, especially if he suspects that those who exercise authority underestimate him.



A growing number of citizens - everywhere - are just not prepared to accept poverty, oppression, the denial of human equality, bureaucracy, secrecy in decision-making, or any other derogation from what they consider to be their basic rights - and are gradually acquiring the power to enforce that view upon the societies in which they live. Tony Benn

A letter to Julian Bell Like nearly all the intellectuals of this generation, we are fundamentally political in thought and action. This more than anything else marks the difference between us and our elders. Being socialist, for us, means being rationalist, common sense, empirical. Means a very firm extrovert, practical commonplace sense of exterior reality. It means turning away from mysticisms, fantasies, escapes into the inner life. We think of the world first and foremost as the place where other people live, as the scene of crisis and poverty, the probable scene of revolution and war. We think more about the practical solution of the real contradictions of the real world than possible discoveries in some other world.

Roger Fry Humanism is a way of thinking and living that aims to bring out the best in people, so that all people may have the best in life. Humanists believe that we must take responsibility for our own lives and also for the community and world in which we live. Humanists emphasise the importance of rational and scientific inquiry, individual freedom and responsibility, and the need for tolerance and cooperation. International Humanist and Ethical Union Happiness is the only good; the time to be happy is now; the place to be happy is here; the way to be happy is to make others so. Robert Ingersoll

I’d Pick More Daisies

If I had my life to live over, I'd try to make more mistakes next time. I would relax. I would limber up. I would be sillier than I have on this trip. I would be crazier. I would be less hygienic. I would take more chances, I would take more trips. I would climb more mountains, swim more rivers, and watch more sunsets. I would burn more gasoline. I would eat more ice cream and less beans. I would have more actual troubles and fewer imaginary ones. You see, I am one of those people who lives prophylactically and sensibly and sanely, hour after hour, day after day. Oh, I have had my moments And if I had it to do over again, I'd have more of them. In fact, I'd try to have nothing else. Just moments, one after another. Instead of living so many years ahead each day.



I have been one of those people who never go anywhere without a thermometer, a hot water bottle, a gargle, a raincoat, and a parachute. If I had to do it over again, I would go places and do things. I'd travel lighter than I have. If I had my life to live over, I would start barefooted earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. I would play hooky more. I wouldn't make such good grades except by accident. I would ride on merry-go-rounds. I'd pick more daisies! Nadine Stair

It is better to live than to die

It is better to live than to die; to love than to hate; to create than to destroy to do something than to do nothing; to be truthful than to lie; to question than to accept; to be strong than to be weak; to hope than to despair; to venture than to fear; to be free than to be bound. Elmer Rice A man’s ethical behaviour should be based effectually on sympathy, education, and social ties and needs; no religious basis is necessary. Man would indeed be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment and hope of reward after death. Albert Einstein To love justice, to long for the right; to love mercy, to pity the suffering, to assist the weak, to forget wrongs and remember benefits; to love the truth, to be sincere, to utter honest words; to love liberty, to wage relentless war against slavery in all its forms; to love wife, and child, and friend, to make a happy home; to love the beautiful in art, in nature, to cultivate the mind; to be familiar with the mighty thoughts that genius has expressed, the noble deeds of all the world; to cultivate courage and cheerfulness, to make others happy; to fill life with the splendour of generous acts, the warmth of loving words; to discard error, to destroy prejudice, to receive new truths with gladness; to cultivate hope, to see the calm beyond the storm, the dawn beyond the night; to do the best that can be done and then to be resigned ... Robert Ingersoll, (what he called the creed of science).

inevitability / acceptance

“Fidele” from Cymbeline

Fear no more the heat of the sun

Nor the furious winter’s rages Thou thy worldly task hast done Home art gone and ta’en thy wages



Golden lads and girls all must As chimney sweepers, come to dust Fear no more the frown o’ the great Thou art past the tyrant’s stroke Care no more to clothe and eat To thee the reed is as the oak The sceptre, learning, physic, must All follow this and come to dust Fear no more the lightening flash Nor the all dreaded thunder stone Fear not slander, censure rash; Thou hast finished joy and moan All lovers young, all lovers must Consign to thee, and come to dust No exorciser harm thee! Nor no witchcraft charm thee! Ghost unlaid forbear thee! Nothing ill come near thee! Quiet consummation have; And renownéd be thy grave! William Shakespeare

Circle of Life

From the day we arrive on the planet And blinking, step into the sun There’s more to see than can ever be seen More to do than can ever be done There’s far too much to take in here More to find than can ever be found But the sun rolling high Through the sapphire sky Keeps great and small on the endless round It’s the Circle of Life And it moves us all Through despair and hope Through faith and love Till we find our place On the path unwinding In the Circle The Circle of Life It’s the Circle of Life And it moves us all Through despair and hope Through faith and love Till we find our place On the path unwinding In the Circle The Circle of Life Elton John



holocaust

Requiem

The hour of remembrance has drawn close again. I see you, hear you, feel you: the one they could hardly get to the window, the one who no longer walks on the earth, the one who shook her beautiful head, and said: ‘Coming here is like coming home.’ I would like to name them all but they took away the list and there’s no way of finding them. For them I have woven a wide shroud from the humble words I herd among them. I remember them always, everywhere, I will never forget them, whatever comes Anna Akhmatova

BELGRADE

You arise out of your pyre Out of your ploughed up barrows Out of your scattered ashes You arise our of your disappearance The sun keeps you In its golden reliquary High above the yapping of centuries And bears you to the marriage Of the fourth river of Paradise With the thirty-sixth river of Earth White bone among the clouds Bone of our bones Vasko Popa (1922-91) Translated from the Serbo-Croat by Anne Pennington

EXODUS

For all mothers in anguish Pushing our their babies In a small basket



To let the river cradle them And kind hands find And nurture them Providing safety In a hostile world: Our constant gratitude. As in this last century The crowded trains Taking us away from home Became our baby baskets Rattling to foreign parts Our exodus from death. Lotte Kramer (b.1923)

Jewish prayer of remembrance:

In the rising of the sun and in its going down, we remember them. In the glowing of the wind and in the chill of winter, we remember them. In the opening of buds and in the rebirth of spring, we remember them. In the blueness of the sky and in the warmth of summer, we remember them. In the rustling of leaves and in the beauty of autumn, we remember them. In the beginning of the year and when it ends, we remember them. When we are weary and in need of strength, we remember them. When we are lost and sick at heart, we remember them. When we have joys we yearn to share, we remember them. So long as we live, they too shall live, for they are now a part of us, as we remember them.

Peace and War

People always make war when they say they love peace. The loud love of peace makes one quiver more than any battle cry. Why should one love peace? it is obviously vile to make war. Loud peace propaganda makes war seem imminent. It is a form of war, even, self assertion and being wise for other people. Let people be wise for themselves. And anyhow nobody can be wise except on rare occasions, like getting married or dying. It’s bad taste to be wise all the time, like being at a perpetual funeral. For everyday use ,give me somebody whimsical, with not too much purpose in life, then we shan’t have war, and we needn’t talk about peace. D.H. Lawrence



“Shemà”: An Unforgotten Prayer

You who live secure In your warm houses Who return at evening to find Hot food and friendly faces: Consider whether this is a man, Who labours in the mud Who knows no peace Who fights for a crust of bread Who dies at a yes or a no. Consider whether this is a woman, Without hair or name With no more strength to remember Eyes empty and womb cold As a frog in winter. Consider that this has been: I commend these words to you. Engrave them on your hearts When you are in your house, when you walk on your way, When you go to bed, when you rise. Repeat them to your children. Or may your house crumble, Disease render you powerless, Your offspring avert their faces from you. Primo Levi (taken from the Afterword, ‘The Author’s answers to his Readers’ Many Questions’ in If This is a Man and The Truce, Sphere Books, 1987)

Part of his answer to the question ‘To what factors do you attribute your survival?’

Perhaps I was helped too by my interest, which has never flagged, in the human spirit and by the will not only to survive (which was common to many) but to survive with the precise purpose of recounting the things we had witnessed and endured. And, finally, I was also helped by the determination, which I stubbornly preserved, to recognize always, even in the darkest days, in my companions and in myself, men, not things, and thus to avoid that total humiliation and demoralization which led so many to spiritual shipwreck. Primo Levi

First they came for the Jews

and I did not speak out - because I was not a Jew. Then they came for the communists and I did not speak out - because I was not a communist. Then they came for the trade unionists and I did not speak out - because I was not a trade unionist. Then they came for me -



and there was no one left to speak out for me. Pastor Niemoller

reflecting

from Thoughts of Nanoushka

Remember the good times, Remember the laughter, not the tears. The caring, not the anger. The courage and not the pain. Your independent heart is still at last, And your spirit has found peace. You would not want us to be sad. To mourn too long for those we love, Is self-indulgent. But to honour their memory with a promise, To live a little better for having known them, Gives purpose to their life, And some reason for their death. Nan Whitcomb

He goes free of the earth

the sun of his last day sets clear in the sweetness of her liberty. The earth recovers from his dying, the hallow of his life remaining in all his death leaves. Radiances know him. Grown lighter than breath, he is set free in your remembering. Grown brighter than vision, he goes dark into the life of the hill that holds his peace. He is hidden among all that is and cannot be lost. Wendell Berry

Missing Things

I’m very old and breathless, tired and lame, and soon I’ll be no more to anyone than the slowly fading trochee of my name and shadow of my presence. I’ll be gone. Already I begin to miss the things I’ll leave behind, like this calm evening sun



which seems to smile at how the blackbird sings. There’s something valedictory in the way my books gaze down on me from where they stand in disciplined disorder and display the same goodwill that well-wishers on land convey to troops who sail away to where great danger waits. These books will miss the hand that turned the pages with devoted care. And there are also places that I miss: those Paris streets and bars I can’t forget, the scent of caporal and wine and piss; the pubs in Soho where the poets met; the Yorkshire moors and Dorset’s pebbly coast, black Leeds, where I was taught love’s alphabet, and this small house that I shall miss the most. I’ve lived here for so long it seems to be a part of what I am, yet I’m aware that when I’ve gone it won’t remember me and I, of course, will neither know nor care since, like the stone of which the house is made, I’ll feel no more than it does light and air. Then why so sad? And just a bit afraid? Vernon Scannell

The Darkling Thrush

I leant upon a coppice gate When Frost was spectre-gray, And Winter’s dregs made desolate The weakening eye of day. The tangled bine-stems scored the sky Like strings of broken lyres, And all mankind that haunted nigh Had sought their household fires. The land’s sharp features seemed to be The Century’s corpse outleant, His crypt the cloudy canopy, The wind his death-lament. The ancient pulse of germ and birth Was shrunken hard and dry, And every spirit upon earth Seemed fervourless as I. At once a voice arose among The bleak twigs overhead In a full-hearted evensong Of joy illimited; An aged thrush, frail, gaunt, and small, In blast-beruffled plume, Had chosen thus to fling his soul Upon the growing gloom.



So little cause for carolings Of such ecstatic sound Was written on terrestrial things Afar or nigh around, That I could think there trembled through His happy good-night air Some blessed Hope, whereof he knew And I was unaware. Thomas Hardy

from A Return To Love

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.’ We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do... It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we subconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we’re liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. Marianne Williamson, 1992.

4. Love, and friendship.

friendship

The Pleasures of Friendship

The pleasures of friendship are exquisite, How pleasant to go to a friend on a visit! I go to my friend, we walk on the grass, and the hours and moments like minutes they pass. what silences we keep year after year with those who are most near to us and dear! we live beside each other, day by day, and speak of myriad things, but seldom say the full sweet word that lies just in our reach beneath the commonplace of common speech. then out of sight and out of reach they go - these close familiar friends who love us so’ and sitting in the shadow they have left, along with memory, and sore bereft, we think with vain regret of some fond word that once we might have said, and they have heard. for weak and poor the love that we expressed seems now beside that hidden, unexpressed: and slight the dead we did to those undone,



and small the service spent to treasure won, and undeserved the praise for word or deed that should have overflowed the simple need. this is the cruel fault of life - to be full visioned only when the ministry of death has been fulfilled, and in the place of some dear presence is but empty space. what recollected services can then give consolation for the might-have-been. Francis Norton Erith.

Epitaph on a Friend

An honest man here lies at rest, The friend of man, the friend of truth, The friend of age, and guide of youth: Few hearts like his, with virtue warm’d, Few heads with knowledge so inform’d; If there’s another world, he lives in bliss; If there is none, he made the best of this. Robert Burns

5. Children and those who die young

Babies and Children

Thread 1 - Cot Death Baby

Doing a ceremony for a child or a baby is always difficult and challenging - but this is the first time I’ve had a ’cot death’ situation. In addition to the grief around a child death caused by illness or accident there may well be unspoken elements of ’guilt’ or ’blame’ in a cot death? I’d appreciate any thoughts, suggestions, extracts from ceremonies from anyone who has experience of a cot death ceremony. I’ve yet to see the family, but the child was 6 months old and there is a 7 year old sibling. Many thanks. (My email is: [email protected]) Ray Marsh Ray, how sad. Cot deaths happen and where the child is and who is caring for her/him makes no difference at all. I would treat it as any other infant death. There are always issues of blame and guilt around any infant death but these are usually the product of grief and have no basis in fact. I’m not being very helpful I know. Just avoid loaded words like guilt and blame and do your usual sensitive job. I’m sure it will bring some comfort to the parents. Christine Riley Moger Hello Christine, You’re right of course - when I spoke of guilt or blame I was thinking of how the media has to some extent coloured peoples’ perception of cot deaths because of a few recent high profile cases. When the FD first called I asked if there was a coroner involved - they said yes but that it was ok and they had booked the ceremony for next Tuesday. Later this afternoon the FD called back apologetically and told me they had now had to cancel the crem booking and would I please not contact the family yet as there would be a delay of at

http://www.find-book.co.uk/authors/Francis+Norton+Erith/page1.htm

mailto:[email protected]



least another week - some problem with the coroner after all. Ros - thanks for the selection of poems - there are some there that I hadn’t seen before - much appreciated. Ray Marsh I am sending you a copy of a ceremony I did for a baby boy of 2 months. The mother fell asleep over the baby during a night feed and suffocated it. So the police and the coroner were involved. Also a lot of blame and guilt and the parents had already, even in this very short time separated over it. The father had one child already and the mother one child already. I think and I hope what I said helped - I did notice very strong embraces and the parents became inseparable after the ceremony. Angela Phipps

Thread 2 - Stillbirths

After 40 funerals I have been asked to do my first baby funeral - something I’ve dreaded but knew I would do if asked. ’Out of the Ordinary’ and a script from Julie R. are very helpful but what I am finding difficult is not the fact she was a baby but that she was a 16 week miscarriage so to me was ’barely there’ (though obviously not to her parents) - even after a day of life one might have a sense of a human being, if not a person so I find it very difficult to think what one might say about such a tiny life - any ideas, experiences very gratefully received. _ I would add that there had to be a postmortem to establish the baby’s sex and this could only be done chromosomally so adds to my difficulty (and I think did with the parents) with her beingness Sue Humphries I’m sure we all agree that baby funerals are among the most difficult that we are asked to do, not just because they are babies but because it is hard to write meaningful things about a little one who either didn’t make it at all, or who died at, or shortly after birth. I haven’t done one for a miscarried baby yet - these are becoming more common nowadays it seems. In my childbearing years, they never happened and the mother would not have seen the foetus either. I would be very happy to send you a script for a baby who died shortly after birth if you feel that might help at all. It may be that someone else had done one for a miscarried baby. Let me know if you would like me to email my script and your email address. Did you know that it is traditional not to charge for babies? Up to you of course and you may have significant expenses but I just thought I’d mention it in case it was something that hadn’t cropped up with you before. Good luck with this - I was so glad when my first baby funeral was finally done - it felt like the proverbial Sword of Damocles hanging over me! I love children and babies and was really dreading it, but it went well. The knowledge that you are holding up the parents/family at a truly terrible time is a real motivator. all the best Pam Burn Hello Susan, This will indeed be a difficult one to write and prepare. I wanted to just mention something that you might want to consider suggesting to the parents, or rather than suggesting just letting them know of an option they might want to consider. During the home visit for a baby ceremony I did recently the couple were very definite that they wanted no reflective time and no mention of time for prayer for those with religion. They said they viewed the service as a very private occasion and wished they had not already agreed to have anyone else there - not even relatives. On the day the tiny white coffin was carried in by the father who amazingly managed to carry out his wish to speak



during the ceremony - addressing his words softly to his wife and their eight year old daughter and to the coffin, not to the mourners. During the ceremony I read some words and poems that we had selected together. The thing is that afterwards when they thanked me for helping to keep it ’their’ ceremony they again made it clear they would rather it had been just the two of them, me and the FD. A couple of weeks ago I heard of another baby ceremony in our region where the couple did in fact insist on just the celebrant, the FD and themselves for a very private farewell ceremony at the crem. Obviously the reverse can be true where a couple may want the presence and support of relatives and loved ones at the crem - but I think that it is worth perhaps at least letting a couple know that they can keep it very private if they prefer - and that thats ok. Ray Marsh I also dreaded this situation. With the help of advice from colleagues I did a ceremony for a stillborn a couple of years ago. Again, having listened to others, I didn’t charge a fee. It was very difficult (unimaginably so for the parents) but, afterwards, there’s the feeling of better to have done it (and done it, hopefully, well) than not to have done it. If you want me to send you some further info, please let me have your email address. Good luck, Chris Goodwin Hi Sue ... I’ll also send you a ceremony I did last year for a 22 week old foetus (Ben) … the child of a couple whose wedding ceremony I had conducted the previous summer. It is a very simple graveside ceremony with just the parents, myself and the FD present and (in case it seems odd) we used a passage from Winnie The Pooh at their wedding ceremony so quoting from Winnie The Pooh again here seemed very appropriate and was greatly appreciated by them. Because of our previous (happy) ceremony they said at the outset that they had every confidence in me and were adamant that they did not want to see any part of the ceremony before the day. I did not charge for the ceremony but, immediately afterwards, they raised the question of payment and when I said “no” they handed me a ‘Thank You’ card and we parted (after more hugs) … When I opened it later it contained a £25 book token. Ian Abbott Susan - Although my experience with baby ceremonies has not so far involved an unborn miscarriage situation, I’m posting this reading which the parents I mentioned in my first post above asked me to include in their ceremony. It is actually from the lyrics of a song sung by Celine Dion, written by Jean-Jacques Goldman & Phil Galdston. The baby’s parents and their 8 year old daughter loved the song and they adapted the words a bit (They edited out the references to heaven and angels, changed ’little wing’ to ’little one’ and deleted a couple of lines). I post it here rather than emailing because even if it may not appeal for your ceremony others may like to add it to their collection:

Fly

Fly, fly little one Fly beyond imagining The softest cloud, the whitest dove Upon the wind of all our love Past the planets and the stars Leave this lonely world of ours Escape the sorrow and the pain And fly again Fly, fly precious one



Your endless journey has begun Take your gentle happiness Far too beautiful for this Cross over to the other shore Where there is peace forevermore Fly, fly - do not fear Don’t waste a breath, don’t shed a tear Your heart is pure, your soul is free Be on your way, don’t wait for me Above the universe you’ll climb On beyond the hands of time The moon will rise, the sun will set But we won’t forget Fly, fly little one Fly like a bird upon the wing Fly away, the time is right Go now, find the light Adapted from the lyrics of the Celine Dion song ‘Fly’; original lyrics written by Jean-Jacques Goldman and Phil Galdston. Ray Marsh Susan, I did two funerals for stillborns fairly close together and both called Daisy. In both cases the parents wanted to keep the ceremony personal and barred all other relatives - grandparents stood in waiting room to offer comfort when it was all over. A friend of mine is a counsellor to a London hospital fertility clinic and says that funerals for miscarried babies are enormously helpful in allowing the parents to mourn and recover. So you are about to perform a very worthwhile service. I will take your email address and send you a copy of the last ceremony I did for one of the Daisys in the hope that it may contain some words that may be helpful. Christine Riley Moger Susan, I have sent you a copy of a script for the 15 week termination of an IVF . The parents already had one child by that method and a third attempt is not possible. The awful fact is that the foetus developed with no brain. How ghastly is that! I really struggled to make sense of the ceremony. It had to different from what I would call the usual format for a baby funeral. I would say it was the most difficult of the many baby funerals I have taken, simply because there was nothing there that could be described as a human being. Only the parents were present. They invited me to join them for coffee afterward at a nearby hotel, we needed it. I will happily send a copy on to anyone else who would care to see it. By the way, I felt I earned every penny of my fee. Did the FD lose a proportion of his daily wage I ask? Geraldine Jones I have conducted a few funerals for babies and have also found them quite traumatic as the parents have obviously been quite distressed during both the meeting and the ceremony. For a much wanted baby, even as early as 16 weeks gestation, parents and siblings and even grandparents will have expectations relating to the new life and these can be spoken about in a very general way during the ceremony. A name may also have been chosen and I



would always use this throughout as it helps personalise the event. During the visit it quickly becomes clear just how the parents want to play it, and some may, as Ray has identified, just wish to have a low- key private ceremony and of course that is fine too. Others have chosen music and poetry, tied balloons to the pews, and there have been contributions from family members making it a more communal affair. With regard to the vexatious issue of charging... I know it is up to us to make the decision as to whether we charge or not but in some ways I would almost appreciate a definitive answer on this one. At the risk of sounding money grubbing or heartless I have made a reduced charge in each case. This type of ceremony requires a level of thought and creativity and each one I have taken has involved a considerable amount of time, even if it has only been a short ceremony. Combine this with travel for the visit and to the crem (in one case nearly 200 miles ) and I do believe a charge is justified. When I performed a ceremony for a local vet and his wife whose little girl died in utero when they were on holiday in Cornwall, they phoned to thank me afterwards and also arranged a delivery of flowers. I know they were pleased with what I had done and appreciated the time and effort I had put into the ceremony. This may also be an appropriate place to mention that when I was last at my local crem, a service was booked for a baby which was to be conducted by the hospital Chaplain ( I believe it was a stillbirth) who not only did not show up ( a regular occurrence I was told) but also did not let anyone at the crem know they weren’t coming either. The vicar who conducted the last ceremony was roped in to do the very short service read by him from the in-house prayer book. He also complained bitterly about the couple’s choice of music, the miserable old git!!! I feel I want to do or say something and would appreciate any suggestions. I am conscious that this may open the proverbial can of worms but such appalling behaviour is surely not acceptable. Ps the staff seemed more put out by the inconvenience of the situation and I did suggest that they inform their Manager (not the most approachable person in the world) if, as they identified, it was happening regularly. By the way I am not a retiring wallflower when it comes to speaking out but I feel this requires delicate handling and I would really appreciate constructive input. Tina Pritchard The funeral was this morning with just the parents, the FD and me in the drizzle at the public grave by the shed and what looked like a compost heap so it was a sad and miserable occasion - I can only hope that it did give the parents some comfort - they were grateful but I think they were still consumed by grief. They chose this poem for me to read - I haven’t come across it before.

Autumn

There is a wind where the rose was; Cold rain where sweet grass was; And clouds like sheep Stream o’er the steep Grey skies where the lark was. Nought gold where your hair was; Nought warm where your hand was; But phantom, forlorn, Beneath the thorn, Your ghost where your face was. Sad winds where your voice was; Tears, tears where my heart was; And ever with me, Child, ever with me, Silence where hope was. Walter de la Mare



I think the last line reflected their mood when I met them to discuss the funeral - the hardest and shortest family visit I’ve done. Their grief seemed so private I felt like an intruder. I’m not sure how much they wanted this - they had been told by the hospital that a funeral would help them ’move on’ so had agreed to it but I felt they still had a long way to go. I am relieved that I do know they are getting professional support as well. I am so grateful to all of you who have sent scripts and ideas. They were incredibly helpful given that the parents could say so little to me and really helped me to find some words of hope and comfort as well as acknowledging their grief - and made me feel well supported too. Many many thanks to you all. By the way the FD gave me the full fee - we hadn’t discussed it though he knows what our fees are - I received a copy of the letter from the Hospital who had arranged the funeral from which I quote "I can confirm that the Hospital will be responsible for costs incurred relating to arrangements at the cemetery" which I think means they paid for the funeral - I suppose the hospital chaplain would usually officiate - if the Hospital pays then of course we should get our fee Susan Humphries Tina’s questions about charging and arrangements for parents in this position are difficult - in this locality there is a hospital contract with an f.d. who uses the hospital chaplain, but if anyone else officiates, the family are expected to pay. I have challenged this with the NHS Trust, who pay for the Chaplain, as unfair to non-Christians, but they have never come back to me to explain their position. I have charged expenses only in the light of this, but do agree we ought to be able to challenge the very poor provision and not be expected to do these ceremonies at no charge. We can add this to the list of delicate areas on which more guidance / clear options can be developed - I don’t think "a fixed position" on this would work nationally as there are so many different local arrangements, but please add your own views / experiences so that we can ensure we get a broad view to integrate into any work on this. Gill Herbert Well done, Susan for getting through it. My heart sinks when an FD books me for a baby funeral. I too have in the past charged 50% or expenses but really I agree with Geraldine on this and always have. One puts more blood, sweat and tears and emotion into a baby funeral than any other kind and therefore I don’t see why we don’t charge at least the usual fee. In the more recent baby funerals I have explained this to the FD and they have agreed. June Williams

Letter to the Foundation’ by Pamela Gail

I wouldn’t presume to give advice to anyone but these are the things which helped me. Firstly, write it down. I filled a notebook with memories of our son. I’ve not had the strength to read it through, but it’s a comfort knowing it’s there as some sort of memorial. 2. When you catch yourself laughing don’t hate yourself. If it shocks you just say "I love you" so that you feel you’re remembering them with laughter, as well as tears. Grab hold of the good days without guilt. There were times I thought I was going mad. I needed patches of peace to hold on to my sanity. 3. Don’t let a child’s death stand for more than its life. 4. I’m glad I had Sam he was worth all the pain. I don’t want people to pity me because I had him. I just want them to feel for me because I lost him. I want people who know us to be glad there was a child called Sam, whatever the price. 5. There is no norm; people should not feel there is a pattern to follow. Anger, bitterness, frustration, failure are every bit as valid as courage, hope and love. Survival is the important thing.



Thread 4 - Late terminations

Young couple - hopes and dreams - late (legal limit) termination of gross spina bifida no-hope foetus. No realistic help or counselling from ’them’. Devastated, bewildered, lost, don’t know how to (are they even ’allowed to’?) grieve. Would some form of ceremony help them? - I think it would - help! (and I only did my very first funeral ceremony today - it went well, thanks to the superb training and preparation we had, but this is a bit further on . . . .!) |ohn Wilkinson As a trainer (albeit not one of yours!), I am so pleased you felt well prepared by the training. This one is difficult for a second funeral and I want to reassure you that you don’t have to do it. If you decide you want to go ahead, however, feel free to email me for a script. [email protected] Alison Orchard I agree that this is no less a bereavement for the unfortunate parents than any other NVF or sudden infant death and that they have just as much right / need grieve as any other parent who loses a child. However, this will be a dreadfully difficult ceremony to prepare; (for what it ’s worth) my advice would be to ask a much more experienced colleague whom you like, trust and respect to actually do it and that you work in close conjunction with him/her and be involved in all aspects of preparing and delivering the ceremony. Conversely, your input is likely to be very valuable to that colleague. No matter how experienced we are the opportunity to hear another point of view should never be undervalued Good luck whatever you decide. Ian Abbott www.arc-uk.org should have information on support for parents. Christine Gowridge No doubt about it that a ceremony can help in these circumstances, as can the carefully done preparation and discussion about what the parents want to say or have said as part of it. And it can be very important for grand-parents and close friends as well who have not been directly involved in the decisions but often feel helpless and hopeless at such times. I’m happy to share scripts on similar circumstances if it would help, and would certainly support the view that you should only take this on if you feel ready for it - they can be very harrowing and worrying. E-mail me on [email protected] if you’d like some ideas sent through. Gill Herbert Hello John, Send me your email address I’ll send you a script from which you might well ber able to extract some useful phrases/ thoughts etc. [email protected] But there again, you might not feel ready to take this one on. No shame in that. Geraldine Jones I am now on the list at my local District General Hospital for emergency callouts. I was asked if I would be prepared to do a ceremony for an NVF - the parents weren’t sure what they wanted but they wanted a non-religious one. I sat down and made one up which was a bit of a combination/sort of naming and funeral but not really if that makes sense. In the event I didn’t use it but I decided that it would keep for another time. If you’d like it I’d be happy to send it to you if you email me at [email protected]. It’s short of course as there is not a lot you can say, but I think it does what’s needed in such a situation as I faced.




Pam Burn

Safe

Safe where I cannot lie yet, Safe where I hope to lie too, Safe from the fume and fret; You, and you, Whom I never forget. Safe from the frost and snow, Safe from the storm and the sun, Safe where the seeds wait to grow One by one And to come back in blow. Christina Rossetti

On the death of a child

And when she died we mourned our loss and cried in anger and in pain. We soldiered on, took strength from friends who wrapped us round and took the strain. Between ourselves we shared our love and shared our pain we found our way to life again. Leslie Scrase

Candle Lighting Ceremony for Winter

winter…and one more morning unfolds the gathering light of one more day. come now light the candles watch the flames which hold all the warmth of loving and living and shared remembrance watch and linger and remember once more then later sleep deeply softly eased for the moment….in the knowing



tomorrow is on its way. Do not grieve for beauty gone, Limbs that ran to meet the sun Lend their likeness to another: Child shall re-create its mother. Let her be safe in sleep As leaves folded together As young birds under wings As the unopened flower. Let her be hidden in sleep As islands under rain, As mountains within their clouds, As hills in the mantle of dusk. Let her be free in sleep As the flowing tides of the sea, As the travelling wind on the moor, As the journeying stars in space. Let her be healed in sleep, In the quiet waters of night In the mirroring pool of dreams Where memory returns in peace, Where the troubled spirit grows wise, And the heart is comforted. Kathleen Raine

Teenagers and Young adults People ask: “Why do children or young people die, when they have lived so little?” I say “How do you know that they have lived so little?” This crude measure of yours is time, but life is not measured in time. This is just the same as to say “Why is this saying, this poem, this picture, this piece of music so short, why was it broken off and not drawn out to the size of the longest speech or piece of music, the largest picture?” As the measure of length is inapplicable to the meaning (or greatness) of productions of wisdom or poetry, so - even more evidently - it is inapplicable to life. How do you know what inner growth this soul accomplished in its short span, and what influence it had upon others? Spiritual life cannot be measured by a physical measure. Leo Tolstoy A quote from an article in the Guardian (spotted by Sue Willson) which may be useful: ’There are some things – such as losing a child – from which we can never truly recover. Rather, we must learn to live with our sadness and work to make it constructive – even creative – as do many writers and artists. As Freud wrote in a letter: “We will never find a substitute [after a loss]. No matter what may fill the gap, even if it be filled completely, it nevertheless remains something else. And actually, this is how it should be, it is the only way of perpetuating that love which we do not want to relinquish.” ’



Darian Leader: ‘The New Black: Mourning, Melancholia and Depression’

6. Difficult funerals

Suicide, Thread 1 A plea for help everyone. I’d doing a ceremony later this week for a 50 year old man, loving and caring with a family, good job, new home, etc, who hung himself last week. His family want a very brief ceremony, his wife and daughters can’t even speak to me or the FD, and arrangements are being dealt with by his mother and sister. They are obviously trying to square his loving and caring nature with the anger of his death. They are shocked, angry, guilty, ashamed and want to get it out of the way quickly. Though I’ve done suicide funerals before, any advice would be welcomed Linda Morgan Suicide What a sad situation. One possible poem is:

At times like this.

At times like this We may look through books For the perfect words To give form to our feelings, Make the thing complete, Set the matter at rest. But in the hours of searching Each piece lies rejected: Too precise, too difficult, Too harsh, not relevant, Implying what we do not wish. But look into the grey wide sky, And the thoughts will come Like this – Remember me when I loved you most And you loved me most. Remember me when I was my bravest, And when I did you right. Then let that be our secret bond, And just once let us rise in the morning And enjoy the light, And know that the bird in the mist Is returning to the sun. David Lott



Another piece in my archives - posted by someone on this forum. Suicide It is rarely easy to say goodbye but this occasion is more difficult for you because of the circumstances of Rich’s life and death. As a teenager he found it hard to cope with increasing responsibilities – perhaps he was too sensitive. It was George Bernard Shaw who said, ‘Alcohol is the anaesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.’ and Rich turned more and more to the solace of alcohol as an adult. As he did so, life for Rich became chaotic and self destructive: indeed, he died young because of it. I expect that you are mourning, not only for the life that was, but also for the life that might have been and perhaps the life that should have been. You are probably all bringing a mixture of uncomfortable and complex emotions with you today. Maybe you are feeling mystified, guilty, cheated, angry and regretful as well as sad. I also expect that many of you are asking yourselves if there was anything more you could have done to have prevented this outcome. Maybe there was, but I honestly doubt it. I came to understand that many people – like his Mum, Margaret, who was a fantastic woman and many of his aunts and uncles, especially Colin and Sylvia, as well as Karen and David tried to help him. But Rich was difficult to get close to and rejected much of the love, help and support you offered him and eventually, in a way, he rejected life itself. It’s hard to accept that someone can be so deeply troubled when you love them so much and you know they have so much to offer you and the world. I hope, in time, you will come to accept that it was Rich’s choice and that will allow you to remember his life and death with understanding and kindness. It might be important to acknowledge a sense of a soul set free with relief and release today. Sue Willson Hi, Linda. Recently, I did a suicide for a 53 year old woman who killed herself on Xmas Eve. I asked the family and they said they did not want mention of the suicide as such, only a celebration of her life and the only mention was in a tribute from her sister. It’s an interesting family view.I have often thought that everyone there probably knows the circumstances and those who don’t, don’t need to. June Williams Suicide It is interesting how different families take different views. The ceremony was this morning and it went much better than I had feared. The widow, who I hadn’t met or spoken to as her request, asked me for a copy of the script - I hadn’t prepared one in the normal way because I wasn’t sure it was the right thing to do in these circumstances. Linda Morgan Suicide My first ever "solo" ceremony was a 58 yr old ex army major caught by some large security operation downloading child porn. The disgrace was too much, the family invited no-one to the funeral. I said "X was a strong man who chose the way he wanted live and also the way he wanted to die". Martin Fowkes This may well come too late for your ceremony but I recently did a ceremony for a suicide. The family did not want it mentioned explicitly, instead I used the phrase " that he did what he felt was right for him" I was also able to use words from his mum and his 11 year old son and daughter. In sum they said "there are different kinds of love, a parent for a child, a partner for their partner and our love for our dad."

The sky is round

The earth is round, the sun the stars and the moon And the seasons all move in a circle too And our spring will come again soon. As long as the sun will shine as long as the rivers may flow



As long as the moon will rise As long as the grass may grow. Faith Petric Obviously it does depend on the family but I also passed on some information from Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide ( SOBS). They have a very good web site with contact details and also what are common reactions to suicide etc. 1 month after the ceremony I had very lovely thank you card in the post. Roland Pascoe Suicide Sorry this is also too late. I was mentored after training by Ted Stroud, who sometimes said words to the effect ’To use the old coroners phrase, he died while the balance of his mind was disturbed.’ Which sometimes seems to make some sense to the bereaved. John Valentine In suicide cases where families wanted to be open without the starkness of the ’S word’, I have used the phrase ’sometimes death comes by invitation’ or similar. Richard Paterson Suicide I did a funeral for an increasingly immobile and sick elderly lady who settled her affairs, said goodbye to her daughter and took an overdose. I adapted Emily Dickenson – “Because Death would not stop for her, she flagged him down” Ros Curtis

I’ve just caught up with these latest postings - thanks everyone. An added complication was that initially there was to be just 10 family members there, who all knew how he died and frankly hated him for it, but at the last moment - the day before the ceremony, I was told that someone from his work was coming and he wasn’t to know how he died, leading to some swift revision. I used the reading suggested earlier (by Sue was it? You can’t see the postings when your replying) and also the "Be not too hard, for nothing is given to man" thanks again all Linda Morgan Thread 2

First suicide I have just been asked to do a ceremony for a 24 year old young man who committed suicide by hanging himself in a local beauty spot. This will be my first suicide and it complicated by the fact that the parents are divorced. Although the family claim the young man was not depressed he had mental health problems as the voices told him that his family would be harmed if he continued to live. I would be very grateful for any help or advice. The funeral is on Friday 23rd. Many thanks Win Tadd Suicide Hello Win When writing up and preparing the ceremony it may help to think of it and refer to it as ’A tragic death’ or ’tragic loss’ and an ’untimely death’ rather than ’suicide’. Most families prefer that approach - obviously you will check with them, but I only ever had one family that wanted to have the suicide aspect openly spoken about at the ceremony. In writing the ceremony and talking about the deceased it is not dissimilar to how you would approach a tragic road accident or other sudden death involving a relatively young person. It may help to think along those lines rather than getting hung up on the ’suicide’ word.



Ray Marsh This was advice given by one our previous Officiants, a long time ago, It might be of some use. Many families will be ’in denial’ about it being suicide. However, there is usually someone who DOES accept it and you may be able to speak with them on the telephone afterwards to gauge what can be said. Certainly one can make statements that will be heard by different mourners as they wish to: "It seems that his family and friends [or simply ’you’] may never know all the reasons that led to his death." This is a plain fact but can (and will!) be heard differently and is one of the ways in which we are able to help the broader spectrum of mourners. My other watchword for these ceremonies, is to ensure that one acknowledges how ghastly it all is. This is not the same as admitting that it was suicide – simply voicing the feelings of all gathered that this is ’not right’ and ’unnatural’ or other words that are relevant to this family and the kind of language that they use. By expressing the horror of his death, and sidestepping if needs be the manner of his death, then you may well be able to unite the mourners. Geraldine Jones Suicide Thank you Ray and Geraldine However Tom’s father is going to say a few words and address the suicide issue as he wishes to express how courageous he feels Tom was in the manner of his death. Win Tadd Suicide I’ll send you a couple of scripts Win that may give you some ideas - these are tough!!. It depends very much where the family and/or friends are feeling how you approach this - if possible give them a very strong voice in the ceremony - it helps a lot if they can say what they want to. I have involved as many close friends and family as possible - the collective voice can really help (and can help you to gain a good feel of a way in which you can say things that will mean something to them) Most families I have worked with find the ceremony useful if you can let them work together on making some sense of what has happened - accepting that as human beings we sometimes make decisions without full awareness of the consequence for those left behind. They just don’t know where to start on putting a funeral together, and it is up to you to give them some confidence that it can be a helpful experience to them and others attending if they acknowledge how much the person meant to them. If it goes well, it can make a huge difference in coming to terms to some extent with what has happened. What you say about what happened should very much reflect where the family/friends are at and not make judgements about anyone. Best wishes on this. Gill Herbert Suicide Hello Win: I would have sent something by e-mail, but don’t have your e-address and am in the middle of a house move. Here are a couple of passages from introductory remarks to funerals, occasioned by suicides, that I’ve done in recent times. I have found that it helps - and enriches a ceremony enormously anyway - to have contributions from close friends or colleagues; perhaps more so than in other funerals. Anyway, for what they’re worth: "G was right at the beginning of what promised to be a hugely rewarding life on every possible front. His death is the more tragic for that – and makes it doubly difficult for those who knew him to come to terms with the fact that he’s no longer around. The manner of his dying gives everyone a cause – unavoidably - for even greater sorrow and reflection. But if anything, that strengthens the reasons for celebrating his life rather than lamenting our loss of him. He clearly felt that it’s this life on earth that should engage our energies and aspirations. Accordingly, he lived in the day and did all he could to seize the opportunities life offered him. He had no orthodox religious belief himself: if he had a faith, it was a faith in each moment of existence. G understood well that we cannot touch our past or our future except through our imagination.



This, nonreligious, ceremony is an attempt to express your feelings about a life in which you have had a share and about the man whose tragically abbreviated life that was. It’s our way of bidding farewell with respect and dignity – and joins together friends and members of G’s family in bidding that last farewell." Suicide ******** "P was such a young man – and that alone must underline the disbelief everyone feels at the fact that he’s no longer around. That – and the manner of his passing - is bound to leave many of you experiencing a grief that goes beyond the normal sorrow of a bereavement, however tragic. But he would not have wanted this to be a sombre or a melancholy occasion. P was someone who had had a passion for the fun and the games of life. He was for the here and now, with a belief in this life as the one and only chance you got. P had no profound religious convictions but seems to have felt that it’s this life on earth that should engage our energies and aspirations and that life should be enjoyable, since it’s the only one we know for certain we’ll experience." Ian Breach there are some excellent poems in "Seasons of Life" published by the Rational Press Association in 2000. I don’t know if BHA still has copies. "The Road Not Taken" by Robert Frost. "Heaven-Haven" by Gerard Manley Hopkins. and others. There is this beautiful stanza

from Edmund Spenser’s The Faerie Queen

What if some little paine the passage have That makes fraile flesh to feare the bitter wave? Is not short paine well borne, that brings long ease, And lays the soul to sleep in quiet grave? Sleep after toyle, port after stormie seas, Ease after warre, death after life does greatly please. Suicide There is this superb poem:- My prime of youth is but a frost of cares, My feast of joy is but a dish of pain, My crop of corn is but a field of tares, And all my good is but vain hope of gain; The day is past, and yet I saw no sun, And now I live, and now my life is done. My tale was heard and yet it was not told, My fruit is fallen, yet my leaves are green, My youth is spent and yet I am not old, I saw the world and yet I was not seen; My thread is cut and yet it is not spun, And now I live and now my life is done. I sought my death and found it in my womb, I looked for life and found it was a shade, I trod the earth and knew it was my tomb, And now I die and now I was but made; My glass if full, and now my glass is run, And now I live, and now my life is done. Chidiock Tichborne



He actually wrote it in prison, on the night before his execution. I have generally found it best to be open and honest about a suicide - of course in consultation with the family. There was one case of a drugs overdose: the father was fairly sure that it was a suicide, but there wasn’t any certainty, so of course we spoke of it as a drugs overdose. The other BHA book which is helpful is compiled by Carole Mountain - "Out of the Ordinary" Ceremonies where the circumstances are unusual or tragic. Robert Mill Suicide It is quite obvious that there is nothing in the world to which every man has a more unassailable title than to his own life and person. Arthur Schopenhauer, On Suicide If I can choose between a death of torture and one that is simple and easy, why should I not select the latter? As I choose the ship in which I sail and the house which I inhabit, so I will choose the death by which I leave life. Lucius Annaeus Seneca

The Double Autumn

Better to close the book and say goodnight When nothing moves you much but your own plight. Neither the owl’s noise through the dying grove Where the small creatures insecurely move. Nor what the moon does to the huddled trees, Nor the admission that such things as these Would have excited once can now excite. Better close down the double autumn night Than practise dumbly staring at your plight. James Reeves

Why Do I

Why do I think of death as a friend? It is because he is a scatterer He scatters the human frame The nerviness and the great pain Throws it on the fresh fresh air And now it is nowhere Only sweet death does this Sweet death, kind death, Of all the gods you are best. Stevie Smith Why die? Because every journey has its departure time and only the traveller has the privilege and the right to choose



the last day to get out. Why to die? Because at times the journey of no return is the best path that reason can show us out of love and respect for life, so that life may have a dignified death Ramón Sanpedro

Murder I have my first funeral for a murder victim. It may not be for a while as we do not know when the body will be released. The murder was particularly horrific in that the victim, a 27-year-old male, was beaten to the point that he was unrecognisable to his family. Does anyone have any useful advice, readings etc on dealing with such a funeral? It’s probably wiser, as the case will not have gone to court, to speak not of murder, but of, say, ’the appalling circumstances of his death’. I have found that families are happier for us to focus on the good things, the life, and not dwell on how it ended - this means that the ceremony may differ hardly at all from the funeral of anyone else who has died prematurely. At the same time, I wonder whether, or to what extent, we should allow ourselves to moralise - as Alison put it in a recent posting. As humanists, surely we have valid observations to make on such things as violence, alcoholism and social ills generally? I once officiated at two funerals in succession - a woman’s who, along with the family pets, had been killed by her husband using a slaughterer’s stun gun - then his funeral, because he had used the gun on himself. Some people attended one or the other funeral, a few both. Something needed to be said about these extraordinary and horrific circumstances, so I spoke a little about the husband’s mental health problems. But they are all different, as we are, and it’s probably a case of going with your instincts and experience. Hope this helps. Richard Paterson I have done a ceremony for a murder victim which really was not much different to any other horrific or tragic death. I used the phrase, ’a death that pushes you to the edge and makes you question the extremes as well as the averages of life.’ However, I suspect that you might find the time lapse one of the most difficult things to cope with. I did a funeral for a suspected murder which turned out to be ’misadventure’ and there was a 4 month time lapse. It had received so much media attention and been such a roller coaster that I felt the interim experience was almost more painful than the loss. Anyhow good luck with it. Alison Orchard

Sometimes

Sometimes things don’t go, after all, from bad to worse. Some years, muscadel faces down frost; green thrives; the crops don’t fail, sometimes a man aims high, and all goes well. A people sometimes will step back from war; elect an honest man; decide they care enough, that they can’t leave some stranger poor. Some men become what they were born for.



Sometimes our best efforts do not go amiss; sometimes we do as we meant to. The sun will sometimes melt a field of sorrow that seemed hard frozen: may it happen for you. Sheenagh Pugh I’ll send you some scripts I’ve done for similar. The work with and views of the family are so important in deciding how to approach it. The delay can be considerable, and there are so many questions for them left unanswered. Sometimes the coroner’s officers can be helpful in giving you some idea on likely timescales - I’ve always found them particularly helpful in previous professional life and on the whole they are very compassionate about helping families in any way they can Gill Herbert I recently did my first ceremony for a murder victim and again there was a time lag because of when the body was released. When I saw the family they were absolutely clear that they could not celebrate a life only feel pain. The resulting ceremony lasted about 2hrs, it was a burial, was not the best one I could have done but it was what the family wanted and I received their heart -felt thanks afterward. There is always a tension between a great or good ceremony and the requirements of the family. No easy answers Roland Pascoe

tragic deaths Tragic, sudden We say that the hour of death cannot be forecast, but when we say this we imagine that hour as placed in an obscure and distant future. It never occurs to us that it has any connection with the day already begun or that death could arrive this same afternoon, this afternoon which is so certain and which has every hour filled in advance. Proust

From The Meaning of Things

“When people die in an accident, suddenly and unexpectedly, with a terrible arbitrariness that seems unjust and cruel beyond description, there seem to be very few consolations for those left behind. In such cases there is no preparation, no sense of the quiet inevitability of great age, there is no closure, no proper leave-taking. Think of those you care about; imagine them mourning when you die: and ask yourself how much sorrow you would wish them to bear. The answer would surely be: neither too much, nor for too long. You would wish them to come to terms with their loss; and thereafter to remember the best of the past with joy; and you would wish them to continue life hopefully. If that is what we wish for those we will leave behind us when we die, then that is what we must believe would be desired by those who have already died. In that way we do justice to a conception of what their best and kindest wishes for us would be……” AC Grayling I have my first young sudden death ceremony on Friday. he was 17 and died in a car crash - an only child. Any advice, poems or readings would be welcome. He was a rugby league player. Thanks Brigid Harbour What a tragic one. I have a script for a not quite so young man killed on his bike, and could send it to you if you post your email. Or contact me on [email protected]. Others will no doubt send you suggestions too.



Best wishes with it Sue Willson There was a thread about a similar funeral not very long ago - Peter Herridge’s daughters knew the young people killed, I think. Is this still available? Sue Willson Tragic, sudden How about this? I think this was a suggestion from Richard Paterson. The 2nd one is Michel de Montaigne, which I love. Sometimes I use from ’Wherever your life ends’... Life in itself is neither good nor evil. It is the place of good and evil according to what you make of it. And if you have lived one day, you have seen all. One day is equal to all days. There is no other light, no other night. This sun, this moon, these stars and this disposition, are the same that your forefathers enjoyed, and which will uplift your descendents. And, at worst, the distribution and acts of my own story are encompassed in a year. If you look well at the course of my four seasons, they contain the infancy, the youth, the virility and the old age of the world …… Wherever your life ends, there it is complete. The value of life lies not in its length, but in the use we make of it. This or that man may have lived many years, yet lived little. Pay good heed to that in your own life. Whether you have lived long enough depends upon yourself, not on the number of your years. Michael de Montaigne 1533 – 1592 June Williams Thank you June. Both quotes are beautiful and I am going to add them to my collection. The funeral in question was at 10am on Friday so I wasn’t able to use them then but sadly I probably will in the future. Best wishes Brigid

protracted illnesses, cancer etc

Biker’s lament – by Hog Pig

It’s a cotton quiet call One not heard by all But one loud as thunder on a mountain top. It’s a long roar of silence A perpetual soft cadence That grows stronger within my soul. It’s an irresistible beckoning That sings each spring To the frozen corners of my mind. If you haven’t heard the refrain There’s no way to explain The pull this call has on my heart. Please hear my words I know it’s absurd But try to understand how I feel. When the road calls my name There will be no-one to blame I’ll just pack up and ride with the wind. by Hog Pig



To My Friends

Dear friends, I say friends here In the larger sense of the word: Wife, sister, associates, relatives, Schoolmates, men and women, Persons seen only once Or frequented all my life. I speak for you, companions on a journey, And also for you who have lost The soul, the spirit, the wish to live. Remember the prime, Before the wax hardened, When each of us was like a seal. Each of us housed in the imprint Of the friend we met along the way; In each the trace of each. For good or evil In wisdom or folly Each stamped by each. Now that time presses urgently, And the tasks are finished, To all of you the modest wish That the autumn may be long and mild. Primo Levi

Brilliance

Maggie's taking care of a man who's dying; he's attended to everything, said goodbye to his parents, paid off his credit card. She says Why don't you just run it up to the limit? but he wants everything squared away, no balance owed, though he misses the pets he's already found a home for -- he can't be around dogs or cats, too much risk. He says, I can't have anything. She says, A bowl of goldfish? He says he doesn't want to start with anything and then describes the kind he'd maybe like,



how their tails would fan to a gold flaring. They talk about hot jewel tones, gold lacquer, say maybe they'll go pick some out though he can't go much of anywhere and then abruptly he says I can't love anything I can't finish. He says it like he's had enough of the whole scintillant world, though what he means is he'll never be satisfied and therefore has established this discipline, a kind of severe rehearsal. That's where they leave it, him looking out the window, her knitting as she does because she needs to do something. Later he leaves a message: Yes to the bowl of goldfish. Meaning: let me go, if I have to, in brilliance. In a story I read, a Zen master who'd perfected his detachment from the things of the world remembered, at the moment of dying, a deer he used to feed in the park, and wondered who might care for it, and at that instant was reborn in the stunned flesh of a fawn. So, Maggie's friend? is he going out into the last loved object of his attention? Fanning the veined translucence of an opulent tail, undulant in some uncapturable curve is he bronze chrysanthemums, copper leaf, hurried darting, doubloons, icon-colored fins troubling the water? © Mark Doty (from My Alexandria)



I know this pale pink,

this thin, thinnest cotton, light touch on my skin, these two buttons sewn with cotton thread, the trim of cotton lace instead of sleeves. This is what I brought to her. She said: the shirts they give me here are coarse. This is what I gave her: my most seducing, pale rose, light as a caress. Afterwards I washed it, folded, crimped it to a no thing tucked it away. Kept hidden beneath newer nightgowns for thirty years now. Yet, as if yesterday. Tonight, her age, I pull it on. By my right thigh the seam cut for a plastic tube. Under my left armpit the other seam torn, ripped apart when they took it off her body. I will sleep well tonight. (Ingar Palmlund)

Only your faint breath

separated your life from your too early death. Sun on fresh snow, shimmering, helped us leave you resting in peace. (Ingar Palmlund)

Suicide



EVERYONE SANG

Everyone suddenly burst out singing; And I was filled with such delight As prisoned birds must find in freedom, Winging wildly across the white Orchards and dark green fields; on – on – and out of sight. Everyone’s voice was suddenly lifted; And beauty came like the setting sun: My heart was shaken with tears; and horror Drifted away… O, but Everyone Was a bird; and the song was wordless; the singing will never be done. Siegfried Sassoon For those of us that did not see the fire, there is little way that we can understand the deep sense of helplessness that Sydney's neighbours felt. How awful to be unable to reach not just your fellow human but your fellow resident. The family know that both you, and the emergency services, did what was humanly possibly. That is all that we can do - to be human, which is why we grieve today for the loss of this human life. I may imagine that, over the years, the memory of that night, will linger. All that we can ask is that you not blame yourselves for this awful accident.

The troubled man chooses death

El enfermo se mata cuando plenamente comprende que su mal no tiene remedio y que entre sufrir y no sufrir, es fácil la elección. Horacio Quiroga When he knows that his problem has no solution, and that, between suffering and not suffering, the choice is easy. Translated by Jon Miles

FORGETFULNESS

The name of the author is the first to go followed obediently by the title, the plot, the heartbreaking conclusion, the entire novel which suddenly becomes one you have never read, never even heard of.



It is as if, one by one, the memories you used to harbor decided to retire to the southern hemisphere of the brain, to a little fishing village where there are no phones. Long ago you kissed the names of the nine Muses goodbye and watched the quadratic equation pack its bag, and even now as you memorize the order of the planets, something else is slipping away, a state flower perhaps, the address of an uncle, the capital of Paraguay. Whatever it is you are struggling to remember it is not poised on the tip of your tongue, not even lurking in some obscure corner of your spleen. It has floated away down a dark mythological river whose name begins with an L as far as you can recall, well on your own way to oblivion where you will join those who have even forgotten how to swim and how to ride a bicycle. No wonder you rise in the middle of the night to look up the date of a famous battle in a book on war. No wonder the moon in the window seems to have drifted out of a love poem that you used to know by heart. Billy Collins

My prime of youth is but a frost of cares,

My prime of youth is but a frost of cares, My feast of joy is but a dish of pain, My crop of corn is but a field of tares, And all my good is but vain hope of gain. The day is gone and yet I saw no sun, And now I live, and now my life is done. The spring is past, and yet it hath not sprung, The fruit is dead, and yet the leaves are green, My youth is gone, and yet I am but young, I saw the world, and yet I was not seen, My thread is cut, and yet it was not spun, And now I live, and now my life is done. I sought my death and found it in my womb, I looked for life and saw it was a shade, I trod the earth and knew it was my tomb, And now I die, and now I am but made. The glass is full, and now the glass is run, And now I live, and now my life is done. Chidiock Tichborne



REST

The memories and love I leave behind Are yours to keep I have found my rest; I have turned my face To the sun, and now I sleep. Alan Curtis

Death Who

The conversation with cancer begins equitably enough. You and he summing each other up, trading ripostes and bon mots before the soup. Everything seems ordinary. There is interest and boredom, and you’ve been drinking all afternoon which could mean that you’re depressed or that you’re in good form. You get each other’s measure and the conversation settles, subjects divide and increase like cells. Gradually you realise that like the background Mozart all the emotions are involved, and that you’re no longer saying as much. Put it down to strength of intent. He’s getting aggressive and you’re tired. Someone says he’s a conversational bully but you’re fascinated. He tells you things about yourself, forgotten things and those not yet found out, pieces from childhood and the unhealing wound. It’s all there. Forgetting food, you drink (too much red wine will encourage nightmares but that’s not a problem now), you marvel. Isn’t he tireless! A raconteur like something out of Proust. He blows cigar smoke into your face and makes a little joke. It’s actually too much. You’re tired and the more you tire the more the words are everywhere. You go and recline on the couch, but he won’t shut up. He follows you there and makes the cushions uncomfortable for you. It’s so unjust. Your host is in the kitchen, all the guests have gone and the cancer’s got you like conviction and he’s kneeling on your chest,



glaring over you, pushing a cushion into your face, talking quietly and automatically, the words not clear. He’s got you and he’s really pushing, Pushing you to death. Philip Hodgins (And an edited version of above.)

Death Who (2)

The conversation with cancer begins equitably enough. You and he summing each other up, trading ripostes and bon mots before the soup. Everything seems ordinary. There is interest and boredom. You get each other’s measure and the conversation settles, subjects divide and increase like cells. Gradually you realise that like the background Mozart all the emotions are involved, and that you’re no longer saying as much. Put it down to strength of intent. He’s getting aggressive and you’re tired. Someone says he’s a conversational bully but you’re fascinated. He tells you things about yourself, forgotten things and those not yet found out, pieces from childhood – it’s all there. Forgetting food, you drink and you marvel: Isn’t he tireless! A raconteur like something out of Proust. He blows cigar smoke into your face and makes a little joke. It’s actually too much. You’re tired and the more you tire the more the words are everywhere. You go and recline on the couch, but he won’t shut up. He follows you; makes the cushions uncomfortable for you. It’s so unjust. Your host is in the kitchen, all the guests have gone, and the cancer’s got you like conviction; talking quietly and automatically, the words no longer clear. Philip Hodkins



Chemotherapy

I did not imagine being bald at forty four. I didn’t have a plan. Perhaps a scar or two from growing old, hot flushes. I’d sit fluttering a fan. But I am bald, and hardly ever walk. By day I’m the invalid of these rooms, stirring soups, awake in the half dark, not answering the phone when it rings. I never thought that life could get this small, that I would care so much about a cup, the taste of tea, the texture of a shawl, and whether or not I should get up. I’m not unhappy. I have learnt to drift and sip. The smallest things are gifts. By Julia Darling – from her 2003 book of poems ‘Sudden collapses in public places’

Don’t worry

about the food you haven’t bought, if your daughter caught that train, the bill that came, the twinge in your right leg. Don’t fuss. The washing on the line will dry again. It’s not your fault. So what if you lied? Don’t be ashamed. And don’t worry that you promised. It doesn’t matter about those promises. Let them go. Just tell her you don’t like her if you don’t. You needn’t see the doctor with bad breath. Behave badly. Lie on the floor. Throw a tantrum if you’re bored. Be late. Be sordid. Eat six pies. Or trick them by being euphoric. Above your head a flock of geese are flying South. Beneath your feet worms aren’t worrying. Julia Darling – from her 2003 book of poems ‘Sudden collapses in public places’

End

Eventually, I was placed on a bed like a boat in an empty room with sky filled windows, with azure blue pillows, the leopard-like quilt.



It was English tea time, with the kind of light that electrifies the ordinary. It had just stopped raining. Beads of water on glass glittered like secrets. In another room they were baking, mulling wine. I was warm with cloves, melting butter, Demerara, and wearing your pyjamas. My felt slippers waited on the floor. Then the door opened soundlessly, and I climbed out of bed. It was like slipping onto the back of a horse, and the room folded in, like a pop up story then the house, and the Vale. Even the songs and prayers tidied themselves into grooves and the impossible hospital lay down its chimneys its sluices, tired doctors, and waiting room chairs. And I came here. It was easy to leave. Julia Darling – from her 2003 book of poems ‘Sudden collapses in public places’

Thirteen Steps and the Thirteenth of March

She sat up on her pillows, receiving guests. I brought them tea or sherry like a butler, Up and down the thirteen steps from my pantry. I was running out of vases. More than one visitor came down, and said: “Her room’s so cheerful. She isn’t afraid.” Even the cyclamen and lilies were listening, Their trusty tributes holding off the real. Doorbells, shopping, laundry, post and callers, And twenty-six steps up the stairs From door to bed, two times thirteen’s Unlucky numeral in my high house. And visitors, three, four, five times a day; My wept exhaustion over plates and cups Drained my self-pity in these days of grief Before the grief. Flowers, and no vases left. Tea, sherry, biscuits, cake, and whisky for the weak… She fought death with an understated mischief – “I suppose I’ll have to make an effort” – Turning down painkillers for lucidity. Some sat downstairs with a hankie Nursing a little cry before going up to her. They came back with their fears of dying amended. “Her room’s so cheerful. She isn’t afraid.”



Each day was duty round the clock. Our kissing conversations kept me going, Those times together with the phone switched off, Remembering our lives by candlelight. Honesty at all costs. She drew up lists, Bequests, gave things away. It tore my heart out. Her friends assisted at this tidying In a conspiracy of women. At night, I lay beside her in the unique hours. There were mysteries in candle-shadows, Birds, aeroplanes, the rabbits of our fingers, The lovely, erotic flame of the candlelight. Sad? Yes. But it was beautiful also. There was a stillness in the world. Time was out Walking his dog by the low walls and privet. There was anonymity in words and music. She wanted me to wear her wedding ring. It wouldn’t fit even my little finger. It jammed on the knuckle. Her fingers Dwindled and her rings slipped off. After the funeral, I had them to tea and sherry At the Newland Park. They said it was thoughtful. I thought it was ironic – one last time – A mad reprisal for their loyalty. Douglas Dunn

Visit

In May she knew These were the steep Hours of her dying. By her bedside We talked of apples We would pick In her orchard In the autumn, Legitimate lies Fighting cold vertigo; We needed that solace To see us through Her intelligent presence. Lotte Kramer

To a Wren

You singer who sang to me, I’m glad you did. I’m glad you lighted on the firewood stack. I had the maul



in my miserable hands and would have split my heart, believing I could cut the reason from my heart that made it hurt with the engine of my arms. But you sang my wrongness out, you flapped it like a shirt in the wind of what you had to sing, and let me know you sang it out, your song, for me. I’m going to leave it on the line, that shirt, all winter. You can sing it into shreds. Whoever put that hatchet song in you was up to something happy, sure to be a whistler, the undertaker type, whose task at hand required a song. Maurice Manning

Walk Within You

If I be the first of us to die, Let grief not blacken long your sky. Be bold yet modest in your grieving. There is change, but not a leaving. For just as death is part of life, The dead live on forever in the living. For all the gathered riches of our journey, The moments shared, the mysteries explored, The steady layer of intimacy stored, The things that made us laugh or weep or sing, The joy of sunlit snow or first unfurling of the spring, The wordless language of look and touch, The knowing, Each giving and each taking, These are not flowers that fade, Nor trees that fall and crumble, Nor are they stone For even stone cannot the wind and rain withstand And mighty mountain peaks in time reduce to sand. What we were, we are. What we had, we have. A conjoined past imperishably present. So when you walk the woods where once we walked together And scan in vain the dappled bank beside you for my shadow, Or pause where we always did upon the hill to gaze across the land, And spotting something, reach by habit for my hand, And finding none, feel sorrow start to steal upon you, Be still. Close your eyes. Breathe. Listen for my footfall in your heart. I am not gone but merely walk within you. From Nicholas Evans’ book: ‘The Smoke Jumper’



Walk Within You

If I am the first of us to die, Let grief not blacken long your sky. Be bold yet modest in your grieving. There is change, but not a leaving. For just as death is part of life, The dead live on forever in the living. For all the gathered riches of our journey, The moments shared, the mysteries explored, The steady layer of intimacy stored, The things that made us laugh or weep or sing, The joy of sunlit snow or first unfurling of the spring, The wordless language of look and touch, The knowing, Each giving and each taking, These are not flowers that fade. What we were, we are. What we had, we have. So when you walk the woods where once we walked together And scan in vain the dappled bank beside you for my shadow, Or pause where we always did upon the hill to gaze across the land, And spotting something, reach by habit for my hand, And finding none, feel sorrow start to steal upon you, Be still. Close your eyes. Breathe. Listen for my footfall in your heart. I am not gone but merely walk within you. From Nicholas Evans’ book: ‘The Smoke Jumper’ (edited a bit by Char March)

This Is What I Wanted To Sign Off With

You know what I’m like when I’m sick: I’d sooner curse than cry. And people don’t often know what they’re saying in the end. Or I could die in my sleep. So I’ll say it now. Here it is. Don’t pay any attention if I don’t get it right when it’s for real. Blame that on terror and pain or the stuff they’re shooting Into my veins. This is what I wanted to sign off with. Bend closer, listen. I love you. (Alden Nowlan 1933-1983)



RIFT

We lacked a way to turn time back. We tore the bond between us. Your track through life and my sack of sorrow. We were at war. And now, when many say it is too late, I wish you peace. I open my mouth, release my guarded grief. It turns in this evening light into love. And I know it reaches you. (Ingar Palmlund)

CODE POEM

The life that I have is all that I have, And the life that I have is yours. The love that I have of the life that I have Is yours and yours and yours. A sleep I shall have A rest I shall have, Yet death will be but a pause, For the peace of my years in the long green grass Will be yours and yours and yours. Leo Marks

I walk alone where once we walked together.

I turn to share a moment, the song of a bird, the ripple of a stream, a flower, a tree, but there is no one there. At a gate, a stile, a rocky step, I stretch my hand but no one takes it, no one needs it. I look back and see one set of footprints in the snow. But the birds that sang for us will sing again. The stream, mute and frozen now, will tumble and chuckle once more, and I shall hear your voice. In a field of flowers, in a laughing tree, I shall see your face. My footsteps will trace where we have walked and will blend with yours. I will reach out my hand and I shall feel your touch. Bill Millward



It’s always those who love the most

Who most miss the one they love, When comes the parting of the ways And clouds loom dark above; But tears will pass, your skies will clear And you will smile again, And comfort find in memories, Which now bring bitter pain. Anon

A RED RED ROSE

My love is like a red red rose That’s newly sprung in June; My love is like the melody That’s sweetly play’d in tune. As fair art thou, my bonnie lass, So deep in love am I: And I will love thee still, my dear, Till a’ the seas gang dry. Till a’ the seas gang dry, my dear, And the rocks melt wi’ the sun: And I will love thee still, my dear, While the sands o’ life shall run. And fare thee weel, my only love, And fare thee weel a while! And I will come again, my love, Tho’ it were ten thousand mile. Robert Burns

FUNERAL BLUES

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone, Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone, Silence the pianos and with muffled drum Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come. Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead, Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves, Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves. He was my North, my South, my East and West, My working week and my Sunday rest, My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song; I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong. The stars are not wanted now: put out every one; Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun; Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.



For nothing now can ever come to any good. W.H.Auden

I sleep on the sofa

Or rather I don’t sleep; on the sofa. I can’t sleep in our bed; It’s cold and lonely there. Sometimes I used to sleep on the sofa; When your snoring kept me awake. I could sleep then; you were only a room away. I hated your snoring; now it would be the most beautiful sound I could hear. But you’re more than a room away And the house is quiet. I lie awake, on the sofa, Because you’re not snoring. Peter Mansell

Difficult people, families or situations

Thread 1 I have a funeral on 23 November. There are 3 brothers plus Dad. I met the youngest brother of the deceased on 16 November. I was told a story of his dead brother (middle brother) having been in Borstal and in and out of prison for most of his life (he died age 51), and that he was an alcoholic which in the end killed him. The story I was told will last about 2 minutes plus music – 4 pieces - which will make the whole service 12 to 15 minutes. I also have the names of 4 ‘friends’ of the deceased who may have suitable stories to help. Dad will not be attending the funeral as he has a holiday booked. The eldest brother spoke to me briefly only when I searched him out. He said. ‘Youngest brother is sorting it out, I don’t know what’s going on, my wife is religious’. Today 18 November I had a phone call from Dad. He gave me words to read on his behalf. He also informed me that there had been a tragedy and his youngest son (youngest brother) would no longer be dealing with the funeral but his eldest son (eldest brother) would be. I asked Dad if his youngest son was OK. He said yes his youngest son was fine but he was in custody as there had been a death, by shooting, in which his youngest son had been involved. I then phoned eldest brother to ask if he still wanted me to lead the funeral ceremony for middle brother (the 51 year old). I didn’t speak to eldest brother directly but was told by a woman that he had nothing to add to what Dad had said. I asked again if they wanted me to carry on with the service and was told they didn’t want to change anything. I have told this story to my RM. I am sharing it with you as I think this comes under the category of ‘difficult funerals’. My RM advised me to get a copy of ‘Out of the Ordinary’ which I will do. I will also talk to the FD and to the Police. I would be delighted if any of you have words/advice which would help me with this funeral. Tim Chicken



The facts seem clear, albeit not pleasant and it looks like they can be acknowledged on the day. I have emailed you a ceremony I did for a petty criminal who died at a similar age. You may get some ideas from it. best wishes. Richard Paterson blimey Tim, no pressure then ! I bought that book at conference ,it is very useful-pages 112-117 deal with alcoholism and they are pretty good .Good luck mate . Fiona Sloman Richard, thanks for your prompt response and the script. Most helpful. Tim Chicken The thing to remember is that all that family are just desperate for someone to sort this out and do something that is OK, as they don’t know what to do... A clear simple approach to saying life sometimes does not work out as you hoped can be really helpful. I’ll send you a script of one or two that may assist with words that don’t judge, but acknowledge the very difficult situation people faced in coping with life. I hope they can help. Best wishes for finding a good way to assist them. Gill Herbert Tim, it may not be relevant for this one but I sometimes use Robert Frost’s "A Road Not Travelled" for situations where the deceased may not have made the most of his life. Here its is.

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both And be one traveller, long I stood And looked down one as far as I could To where it bent in the undergrowth; Then took the other, as just as fair, And having perhaps the better claim, Because it was grassy and wanted wear; Though as for that the passing there Had worn them really about the same, And both that morning equally lay In leaves no step had trodden black. Oh, I kept the first for another day! Yet knowing how way leads on to way, I doubted if I should ever come back. I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I – I took the one less travelled by, And that has made all the difference. Robert Frost Kevin Murphy A (mild) word of warning, Tim. I did a funeral for a man who died in suspicious circumstances, with the son under some suspicion. The police attended the funeral (that was OK) but what wasn’t OK in my opinion was that the police in attendance asked the crem attendant for the copy of the script I had given to them for playing the music. The attendant handed it over without my permission and I wasn’t happy. I believe that I should have been asked officially. Apparently the police thought that some details might emerge from my script which might help them. I never had it back. You may wish to keep this in mind. Good luck on 23 Nov



June Williams For all sorts of reasons I no longer hand a copy of the complete script to anyone but the family. I once gave the ‘family script’ in its folder to a crem attendant so he could follow the ceremony, for the curtains and music cues; and when he handed it back to me it was marked all over with his doodles and crossed out with red biro where he’d been following my words and put a line through each paragraph as it was ‘done’!!! But more worryingly I’m sure we’ve all caught parts of ceremonies being conducted immediately before or after one of ours and heard some very familiar turns of phrase [and (in one case) virtually word for word extracts] from something we have used on previous occasions. Even more important (now) there have been one or two reports of FD’s conducting non-religious ceremonies themselves. About 2 years ago one FD actually asked me for a ‘used script’ that he could re-use for a family who didn’t want a vicar and didn’t want to pay for anybody else. All I give to Crem Attendants is a Cue Sheet. On it I list the music to be played as we enter and how long the family want that to be played (usually just ‘fade out once everybody is settled’ but sometimes ‘play complete song’ Then - ‘Music for reflective period’ … ‘Billy Bloggs’ singing ‘something’. [Billy Bloggs CD … Track 3] I will say … “I’m now going to ask you to sit quietly for a few minutes to allow you time to reflect on your own memories of XXX …. etc etc etc” …. Followed by ‘Play Track’ [Along with precise instructions (such as)… ‘Please fade out after 2min. 30secs’]. If I don’t have control of the curtains I include the cue words I’ll be saying then ‘Close Curtain’ Then again for the exit music … Cue words followed by ‘Play Track’. I have this sheet as a proforma on my computer so it isn’t difficult to alter and save it for each ceremony. Ian Abbott Thanks to you all including Gill, Kevin, June and Ian. A great help. Latest is that young son has been released on bail until Jan 08 and is now back as the one organising the funeral. All friends I have talked to are in a whirl so information on the deceased’s life is not forthcoming. I have been told some stories which I am then asked not to repeat in the service. There will be a plain clothes police presence at the service. Like you Ian I give the ’DJ’ at the crem just the cues for when the music is to be played and the exact time for fading. Will let you know how it goes. Tim Chicken I totally agree with Ian’s comments about scripts - we had a discussion / debate on this forum some time ago about this and I know most experienced celebrants wouldn’t dream of leaving a script with crem staff. There have indeed been many reported examples of FD’s or independent ’officiants’ (yes and vicars) nicking them and regurgitating great chunks of them virtually word for word. As Ian says all that’s needed is single sheet listing the music and the cues etc. If you are a new celebrant or a probationer reading this thread - please don’t leave scripts around like that, in addition to the above reasons listed by Ian, that script is personal to, and ’belongs’ to, the family. I have (quite rightly!) been accused of going off at a tangent about things on here so I’ll start another thread about clergy doing ’non-religious’ ceremonies! Ray Marsh Well it’s done - and well received too. I kept the service brief. Many stories were held back for the wake. The younger brother was there having been released on bail. It was a dramatic arrival with the coffin carried along in a motorbike and sidecar combination accompanied by 30/40 motor bikes all revving loudly. The crem was full and overflowing and the mourners behaved showing utmost dignity. The plain clothes police presence was unobtrusive. One of the closing pieces of music was Queen, We Will Rock You. When it got to the line ’you’re a total disgrace’ several called out the same words which caused lots of laughter. The young brother and his fiancé were pleased



with the service and so were the mourners. I always stand at the exit and wish the mourners well as they leave. I got many pleasing comments from a lot of real bikers several of whom introduced themselves with names like Wobbler, Wacko, Budgie and Menace. They had carried the coffin in to the crem and one left a big greasy thumb print on the end of the coffin which I thought was really poignant. I heard several mourners repeating words which I had used to describe the deceased and commenting how appropriate they were. Young brother asked me to read ’I am’ by John Clare and ’Be not too hard’ by Christopher Logue, both most suitable. So in the end a dramatic and interesting funeral. THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR HELP. Tim Chicken

I Am

I am: yet what I am none cares or knows My friends forsake me like a memory lost, I am the self-consumer of my woes. They rise and vanish in oblivious host, Like shadows in love’s frenzied, stifled throes And yet I am, and live - like vapors tossed. Into the nothingness of scorn and noise, Into the living sea of waking dreams, Where there is neither sense of life or joys, But the vast shipwreck of my life’s esteems; Even the dearest, that I love the best, Are strange - nay, rather stranger than the rest. John Clare

Be Not Too Hard

Be not too hard for life is short And nothing is given to man; Be not too hard when he is sold and bought For he must manage as best he can; Be not too hard when he gladly dies Defending things he does not own; Be not too hard when he tells lies And if his heart is sometimes like a stone Be not too hard - for soon he dies, Often no wiser than he began; Be not too hard for life is short And nothing is given to man. Christopher Logue I recall Donovan singing the words of "Be Not Too Hard" in the soundtrack of the 1967 film "Poor Cow" about a homeless young mother- very sweet song, might be worth locating for a suitable piece of music. Liz Lucas I’m pretty certain there is a Joan Baez version of this as well, but I don’t have it on CD. I use the words quite a lot for murders or suicides etc - it is a very useful one! Gill Herbert



The friendless

In Memory of Anyone Unknown to Me

At this particular time I have no one Particular person to grieve for, though there must Be many, many unknown ones going to dust Slowly, not remembered for what they have done Or left undone. For these, then, I will grieve Being impartial, unable to deceive. How they lived, or died, is quite unknown, And, by that fact gives my grief purity-- An important person quite apart from me Or one obscure who drifted down alone. Both or all I remember, have a place. For these I never encountered face to face. Sentiment will creep in. I cast it out Wishing to give these classical repose, No epitaph, no poppy and no rose From me, and certainly no wish to learn about The way they lived or died. In earth or fire They are gone. Simply because they were human, I admire. by Elizabeth Jennings

No family

Oh dear, I had one of those funerals last week with too little information. The son and daughter of the deceased knew very little about their father, who seems to have been a reserved, uncommunicative man who had lost interest in life, including grandchildren. after his wife died 12 years ago. I asked in vain the usual questions about his interests, his influence on them, what kind of person he was. I asked them to put me in touch with one of his brothers, but they didn’t do so. I knew I was struggling a bit here, but put together a life story, readings, etc etc, as one does. It gets worse. They told me that his father had been killed in the war leaving 8 children, but when I said this during the ceremony, I could see at least one head shaking. It turns out that grandfather lived for years after the war and died of cancer! Oh dear. The relatives were very understanding, and had obviously always found the son as uncommunicative as his father had been. But I felt that I hadn’t done a very good job. Sue Willson Unfortunately we’re entirely at the mercy of those who supply the information and all we can do is rely on the accuracy of what they tell us. When there’s a dearth of detail there is very little we ‘can’ do. I’m sure we’re all the same and have this desire to use the whole of our allotted time at the crem. even when there is a scarcity of information. I had a similar problem last week (not the wrong information so much as no information) and it took some courage to say all there was to say and finish even though the whole ceremony took less than 15 minutes. Ian Abbott



7. Interests and hobbies

Literature

THIS BOOKS CAN DO

This, books can do - nor this alone: they give New views to life, and teach us how to live; They soothe the grieved, the stubborn they chastise; Fools they admonish, and confirm the wise. Their aid they yield to all: they never shun The man of sorrow, nor the wretch undone; Unlike the hard, the selfish and the proud, They fly not sullen from the suppliant crowd; Nor tell to various people various things, But show to subjects, they they show to kings. George Crabbe From

‘The Lord of the Rings’

The Road goes ever on and on Out from the door where it began. Now far ahead the Road has gone Let others follow it who can! Let them journey new begin But I, at last, with weary feet, Will turn toward the lighted inn My evening rest and sleep to meet. JRR Tolkein

Reformatted from ’The Old Curiosity Shop’

And now the bell, -- the bell She had so often heard by night and day And listened to with solemn pleasure, E’en as a living voice, -- Rung its remorseless toll for her, So young, so beautiful, so good. Decrepit age, and vigorous life, And blooming youth, and helpless infancy, Poured forth, -- on crutches, in the pride of strength And health, in the full blush Of promise, the mere dawn of life, -- To gather round her tomb. Old men were there, Whose eyes were dim And senses failing, -- Grandames, who might have died ten years ago, And still been old, -- the deaf, the blind, the lame, The palsied, The living dead in many shapes and forms, To see the closing of this early grave.



What was the death it would shut in, To that which still could crawl and keep above it! Along the crowded path they bore her now; Pure as the new fallen snow That covered it; whose day on earth Had been as fleeting. Under that porch, where she had sat when Heaven In mercy brought her to that peaceful spot, She passed again, and the old church Received her in its quiet shade. They carried her to one old nook, Where she had many and many a time sat musing, And laid their burden softly on the pavement. The light streamed on it through The colored window, -- a window where the boughs Of trees were ever rustling In the summer, and where the birds Sang sweetly all day long. Charles Dickens I’m not at all sure that it would be suitable for a funeral, let along a humanist funeral, and if it did fit the bill on any occasion it would require judicious editing, as you will see if you run it to earth: BUT the passage which tells of the death of Jo the crossing-sweeper in "Bleak House" is unmatched as a piece of writing. I will only quote the last paragraph, but you can find it in the last page or so of Chapter 47. Dead, your Majesty. Dead, my lords and gentlemen. Dead, Right Reverends and Wrong Reverends of ever order. Dead, men and women, born with Heavenly compassion in your hearts. And dying thus around us every day.

From ’Sketches by Boz’

who can be insensible to the outpourings of good feeling and the honest interchange of affectionate attachment which abound at this time of the year. A Christmas family party! We know nothing in nature more delightful! There seems a magic in the very name of Christmas. Petty jealousies and discords are forgotten; social feelings are awakened, in bosoms to which they have long been strangers; father and son, or brother and sister, who have met and passed with averted gaze, or a look of cold recognition, for months before, proffer and return the cordial embrace, and bury their past animosities in their present happiness. Kindly hearts that have yearned towards each other but have withheld by false notions of pride and self dignity, are again resumed, and all is kindness and benevolence! would that Christmas lasted the whole year through! "This reminds me, Godmother, to ask you a serious question. You are as wise as wise can be (having been brought up by the fairies), and you can tell me this: Is it better to have had a good thing and lost it, or never to have had it?" Our Mutual Friend Joy and grief were mingled in the cup; but there were no bitter tears; for even grief itself arose so softened, and clothed in such sweet and tender recollections, that it became a solemn pleasure, and lost all character of pain. Oliver Twist

Narrow boats

We were crowded in the cabin



We were crowded in the cabin, Not a soul had room to sleep; It was midnight on the waters, And the banks were very steep. ’Tis a fearful thing when sleeping To be startled by the shock, And to hear the rattling trumpet Thunder, "Coming to a lock!" So we shuddered there in silence, For the stoutest berth was shook, While the wooden gates were opened And the mate talked with the cook. And as thus we lay in darkness, Each one wishing we were there, "We are through!" the captain shouted, And he sat upon a chair. And his little daughter whispered, Thinking that he ought to know, "Isn’t travelling by canal-boats Just as safe as it is slow?" Then he kissed the little maiden, And with better cheer we spoke, And we trotted into Pittsburg, When the morn looked through the smoke. Phoebe Cary

In Praise of NARROW BOATS:

He who by peaceful inland water steers Bestirs himself when a new lock appears. Slow swings the gates: slow sinks the water down; This lower Stratford seems another town. The meadows which the youthful Shakespeare knew Are left behind, and sliding into view, Come reaches of the Avon, mile on mile, Church, farm, and mill and lover - leaned - on stile, Our homely Avon joins the haughty Severn. Sweet is the fluting of the blackbird’s note, Sweet is the ripple from the narrow boat. Anon

Gardens and gardening

THE GLORY OF THE GARDEN

Our England is a garden that is full of stately views, Of borders, beds and shrubberies and lawns and avenues,



With statues on the terraces and peacocks strutting by; But the Glory of the Garden lies in more than meets the eye. For where the old thick laurels grow, along the thin red wall, You will find the tool- and potting-sheds which are the heart of all; The cold-frames and the hot-houses, the dung pits and the tanks: The rollers, carts and drain-pipes, with the barrows and the planks. And there you'll see the gardeners, the men and 'prentice boys Told off to do as they are bid and do it without noise; For, except when seeds are planted and we shout to scare the birds, The Glory of the Garden it abideth not in words. And some can pot begonias and some can bud a rose, And some are hardly fit to trust with anything that grows; But they can roll and trim the lawns and sift the sand and loam, For the Glory of the Garden occupieth all who come. Our England is a garden, and such gardens are not made By singing:--"Oh, how beautiful!" and sitting in the shade, While better men than we go out and start their working lives At grubbing weeds from gravel-paths with broken dinner-knives. There's not a pair of legs so thin, there's not a head so thick, There's not a hand so weak and white, nor yet a heart so sick. But it can find some needful job that's crying to be done, For the Glory of the Garden glorifieth every one. Then seek your job with thankfulness and work till further orders, If it's only netting strawberries or killing slugs on borders; And when your back stops aching and your hands begin to harden, You will find yourself surrounded by the Glory of the Garden. So when your work is finished, you can wash your hands and say The Glory of the Garden, may it not pass away! The Glory of the Garden may it never pass away! Rudyard Kipling From “Paradise Gardens” Once you become used to seeing yourself as a small part of the great pattern of nature rather than the controller of it, once you get into the rhythm of the seasons, once you begin to feel the heartbeat of the natural world, your life will take on a different meaning and your garden will become a precious sanctuary – a paradise. Don’t underestimate the therapeutic value of gardening. It’s the one area I know where we can all use our creative talents to make a truly satisfying work of art. Every individual, with thought, patience and a large portion of help from nature, has it in them to create their own private paradise: truly a thing of beauty and a joy forever. Geoff Hamilton

Reverie

A warm and cheery fire roars merrily And shadows dance about the darkened room. Beside the hearth a gardener sits and dreams Of sunny days, of flowers in full bloom. Some hollyhocks should tower near the fence, Bright red ones that the bees can’t help but find. The trellis at the gate again must wear Blue morning glories, or the rosy kind. To lend a bit of distance to the scene, Close to the rear I’ll plant in shades of blue: The tall and stately larkspur, double ones



Of course I’ll put in scabiosa, too. I couldn’t do without a pansy bed Roses make such beautiful bouquets Frilled zinnias and yellow marigolds Add just the proper touch to autumn days. The flowers grow and bloom with loveliness Until a sound destroys the fantasy A burning ember falls and I must leave My garden and my charming reverie. Helen Bath Swanson "Let us be grateful to the people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom." Marcel Proust

The Garden at Dusk

In the cool of a garden when evening draws in Serenity waits where the shadows begin. In the fragrance of dusk and the murmur of clover The cares that we carry pass peacefully over. Flowers in the fullness shed blessing about And the turmoil of living fades quietly out. Hope glimmers through with the evening star And anxieties shrink to the size that they are. Joyce Grenfell

Theatre

Our revels are now ended. These our actors,

Our revels are now ended. These our actors, As I foretold you, were all spirits and Melted into air, into thin air: And, like the baseless fabric of this vision, The cloud-capp’d towers, the gorgeous palaces, The solemn temples, the great globe itself, Yea, all which it inherit, shall dissolve And, like this insubstantial pageant faded, Leave not a rack behind. We are such stuff As dreams are made on, and our little life Is rounded with a sleep.



The World’s a Stage

The World’s a stage. The trifling entrance fee Is paid (by proxy) to the registrar. The Orchestra is very loud and free But plays no music in particular. They do not print a programme, that I know. The cast is large. There isn’t any plot. The acting of the piece is far below The very worst of modernistic rot. The only part about it I enjoy Is what was called in English the Foyay. There I will stand awhile and toy With thought, and set my cigarette alight; And then- without returning to the play- On with my coat and out into the night. by Hilaire Belloc Thread 1

Theatrical families

I have a funeral ceremony to write for an actress who was only really confident when on stage and had only one friend outside the business, but they fell out years ago. I’ve had two meetings, totalling two and a half hours, with her husband, a stage director, and son, an author; one before she died, and the other shortly afterwards. They clearly have some relationship issues and, whilst the son has written some moving pieces on the web blog, which I downloaded and took the second meeting, the father said very cruelly that they needed heavily editing as they were more of a tribute to the son’s writing skills than to his mother. I fear the son may bottle out of saying anything and if so I’m sunk, since I know precious little about her except as a mother and it wouldn’t be right coming from me in those circumstances. The husband and a colleague are going to do poetry readings – and very expertly as well – I was treated to a rendition whilst there. Hence I need to avoid poetry readings myself since I feel such the husband will be muttering “diction!” What I would really like is an extract of a biography describing life on stage from an actress’s point of view – can anyone suggest anything please? Linda Morgan I guess she must have been an equity member, if you tell which area of the country she lived in I could give you the regional secretary’s contact number. they just might know a little about her. Unless you know her calibre and status as an actor, talking about a life treading the boards, you run the risk of over or under stating her talent. Geraldine Jones It is quite unnerving doing a funeral for professional actors / theatrical types with an audience of the same but remember that you are on home ground so to speak and they are not. Also I suggest that you break up the service so that the part done by those with stage experience is separate from yours - ie do your introduction and thoughts on life and death - I would also do the tribute then so you don’t have to follow on. Then they do their tribute and / or reading then you do the committal and closing words. That way you aren’t in competition with them. In Margaret Rutherford: A Blithe Spirit by Dawn Langley Simmons (1983) there is a passage somewhere about the



trials of the actress on stage but I can’t find my copy anywhere - and it may now be out of print - if you could find one look in the early part of the book about her early work experiences. Ros Curtis I’ve been scratching my head - I ought to have the perfect answer, having been an actor for nearly fifty years (though it has to be said work offers are few and far between now). The best book I know about being an actor is Michael Blakemore’s novel. He is now a distinguished director, but started off acting, spending a season with Royal Shakespeare Company. I can’t remember its name, but the library should have it or get it - it dates I guess from the 60’s or 70’s. Another good novel to look at would be Margaret Drabble’s first, "The Garrick Year," about her early married life in Stratford where her husband was in the company. The most inspiring anecdotes about theatre would include Sybil Thorndike, who had arthritis in later years, and who would wait in the wings scarcely able to put one foot in front of the other, but who was totally unaffected as soon as she stepped onto the stage. "Doctor Theatre," she would say. Every actor has similar experiences and knows what she means. The concentration is so intense that life, reality, everything takes a back seat. The experience of saying a good comedy line, if it is well written and well delivered, in front of a full house, with over-flowing balconies, and being greeted with an explosive burst of laughter is pretty well unmatchable. Some people say sex is better. Perhaps the most inspiring words come from Tyrone Guthrie, a magnificent director 30’s through 60’s. Stanley Baxter tells it, having been in "The Three Estates" at an early (perhaps the first) Edinburgh Festival. Actor says, in rehearsal, "What should I do with this scene, it’s an awfully difficult thing and I ... any ideas, Tony? What can I ... ? Tell me something." "Absolutely no idea. Go home, think about it, come back and astonish me in the morning." Bobby Mill Thank you Rosalind and Bobby - though I won’t have the opportunity to search out these publications before Wednesday, I’ll do so to put them "in the bank" as it were. Your words were most helpful though. Geraldine’s offering is also valued, and the advice not to get into competition. I have so little to go on as regards the deceased’s personality, since most of the time I was with the family they were sniping at each other, or we couldn’t get the CD the play (I had to listen to all the music), or talking about the memorial service (which I’m not involved in), or reciting poetry. I’ll let you know how I get on. (Next day’s posting) Well here I am a day after said ceremony. It didn’t start well, the FD turned up, clearly rattled, muttering darkly "this is a rum lot"... the husband and son were inside the chapel meeting and greeting the "audience" and had to step smartly out the way to let the deceased past in her wooden overcoat. I’d prepared more than I needed in terms of text, which I dropped when informed that the husband was going to say “a little more” than he had originally intended. The son’s oration was vigorously delivered, thumping the lectern occasionally and he was treated to applause afterwards. The husband spoke at length about the storyline of a play to introduce his reading which had no obvious connection to his wife; if she had acted in it once he didn’t think to mention it. At one stage he “lost the plot” and asked for a prompt which the son duly provided. Applause, applause …. When I operated the curtains at committal I half expected to hear cries for an encore…. It takes all sorts. I’m really grateful for all your support – I used the verse Geraldine provided, which went down well (though no



applause for me!), and Bobby’s input formed the part of the script I had to cut, but it was good to have it there as it could so easily have been needed. Linda Morgan

Pets

Dogs

For a Good Dog

My little dog ten years ago Was arrogant and spry, Her backbone was a bended bow For arrows in her eye. Her step was proud, her bark was loud, Her nose was in the sky, But she was ten years younger then, And so, by gosh, was I. Small birds on stilts along the beach Rose up with piping cry, And as they flashed beyond her reach I thought to see her fly. If natural law refused her wings, That law she would defy, For she could do unheard-of things, And so, at times, could I. Ten years ago she split the air lo seize what she could spy; Tonight, she bumps against a chair Betrayed by milky eye. She seems to pant, Time up, time up! My little dog must die, And lie in dust with Hector’s pup; So, presently, must I. Ogden Nash

Master and Man

No...........I will not go for a walk I’m not feeling very fit; I’d much prefer to sit and talk Or sit and read - or simply sit; It’s very hot, there’s lots of dust I really do not think I can........ Well, if you look like that, I must. Are you my dog? No. I’m your man. by Robert Bell



The faithful eyes of dogs, companionship of cats,

my garden with its rich reward for toil, and all those things that make life dear and beautiful. I think I could turn and live with animals, they are so placid and self-contained, I stand and look at them long and long. They do not sweat and whine about their condition, They do not lie awake in the dark and weep for their sins, They do not make me sick discussing their duty to God. Not one is dissatisfied, Not one is demented with the mania of owning things, Not one kneels to another, Not one is respectable or unhappy over the whole earth. Leslie Scrase

from ’Song of Myself’ by Walt Whitman

The best place to bury a dog There is one best place to bury a dog. If you bury him in this spot, he will come to you when you call - come to you over the grim, dim frontier of death, and down the well-remembered path, and to your side again. And though you call a dozen living dogs to heel, they shall not growl at him, nor resent his coming, for he belongs there. People may scoff at you, who see no lightest blade of grass bent by his footfall, who hear no whimper, people who may never really have had a dog. Smile at them, for you shall know something that is hidden from them, and which is well worth the knowing. Walt Whitman The one best place to bury a good dog is in the heart of his master." Ben Hur Lampman



Cats

SNUFFING ZONE

Somewhere there is a driver who killed our cat. Upset at what had happened, ignorant of which house in a London street was hers, they laid her reverently two doors from home. “Shall I let her out?” I’d asked. “As you wish,” you said. I found her stiff, unmarked, a little blood and liquid on the stone, caught leaping, tail outstretched like the tiger in the ad. Burying her in the territory she’d ruled for two decades we found a paving stone we’d never known of, as if in death she’d led us to a new mystery. Somewhere there is a driver who saved our cat from death by failing kidneys. Now that I am entering the snuffing zone, may 1 be let out on a warm night, caught on the prowl for gossip, sex or power and laid out reverently and, dying, reveal another mystery. By Anthony Barnes

An appeal to cats in the business of love

Ye cats that at midnight spit love at each other Who best feel the pangs of a passionate lover, I appeal to your scratches and your tattered fur If the business of love be no more than to purr. Old Lady Grimalkin with her gooseberry eyes Knew some thing when a kitten, for why she was wise; You find by experience, the love-fit’s soon o’er Puss! Puss! Land not long, but turns to Cat-whore! Men ride many miles, Cats tread many tiles, Both hazard their necks in the fray; Only cats when they fall From a house or a wall, Keep their feet, mount their tails, walk away. Thomas Flatman



On a Cat Ageing

He blinks upon the hearth rug And yawns in deep content Accepting all the comforts That Providence has sent. Louder her purrs, and louder, In one glad hymn of praise, For all the night’s adventures, For quiet, restful days. Life will go on for ever, With all that cat can wish; Warmth, and the glad procession Of fish, and milk and fish. Only - the thought disturbs him - He’s noticed once or twice, The times are somehow breeding A nimbler race of mice. by Alexander Gray

Science You want a physicist to speak at your funeral. You want the physicist to talk to your grieving family about the conservation of energy, so they will understand that your energy has not died. You want the physicist to remind your sobbing mother about the first law of thermodynamics; that no energy gets created in the universe, and none is destroyed. You want your mother to know that all your energy, every vibration, every Btu of heat, every wave of every particle that was her beloved child remains with her in this world. You want the physicist to tell your weeping father that amid energies of the cosmos, you gave as good as you got. And at one point you’d hope that the physicist would step down from the pulpit and walk to your brokenhearted spouse there in the pew and tell him (her) that all the photons that ever bounced off your face, all the particles whose paths were interrupted by your smile, by the touch of your hair, hundreds of trillions of particles, have raced off like children, their ways forever changed by you. And as your widow rocks in the arms of a loving family, may the physicist let her know that all the photons that bounced from you were gathered in the particle detectors that are her eyes, that those photons created within her constellations of electromagnetically charged neurons whose energy will go on forever. And the physicist will remind the congregation of how much of all our energy is given off as heat. There may be a few fanning themselves with their programs as he says it. And he will tell them that the warmth that flowed through you in life is still here, still part of all that we are, even as we who mourn continue the heat of our own lives.

And you’ll want the physicist to explain to those who loved you that they need not have faith; indeed, they should not have faith. Let them know that they can measure, that scientists have measured precisely the conservation of energy and found it accurate, verifiable and consistent across space and time. You can hope your family will examine the evidence and satisfy themselves that the science is sound and that they’ll be comforted to know your energy’s still around. According to the law of the conservation of energy, not a bit of you is gone; you’re just less orderly. Amen. Aaron Freeman And on science and religion…. Albert Einstein You will hardly find one among the profounder of scientific minds without a peculiar religious feeling of his own.



But it is different from the religion of the naïve man. For the latter God is a being from whose care one hopes to benefit and whose punishment one fears; a sublimation to that of a child for its father, a being to whom one stands to some extent in a personal relation, however deeply it is tinged with awe. But the scientist is possessed by the sense of universal causation. The future, to him, is every whit as necessary as and determined as the past. There is nothing divine about morality, it is a purely human affair. His religious feeling takes the form of a rapturous amazement at the harmony of natural law, which reveals an intelligence of such superiority that, compared with it all the systematic thing and acting of human beings is an utterly insignificant reflection. This feeling is the guiding principle of his life and work, in so far he succeeds in keeping himself from the shackles of selfish desire. It is beyond question closely akin to that which has possessed the religious geniuses of all ages.

John Herschel in ‘A Preliminary Discourse on the Study of Natural Philosophy’ 1831 To the natural philosopher there is no natural object unimportant or trifling .. A mind that has once imbibed a taste for scientific enquiry has within itself an inexhaustible source of pure and exciting contemplations. One would think that Shakespeare has such a mind in view when he describes a contemplative man finding Tongues in trees – books in the running brooks –Sermons in stones – and good in everything. Where the uninformed and unenquiring eye perceives neither novelty nor beauty, the natural philosopher walks in the midst of wonders. Humphrey Davy

My eye is wet with tears

For I see the white stones That are covered with names The stones of my forefathers’ graves. No grass grows on them For deep in the earth In darkness and silence the organs of life To their primitive atoms return ... Thoughts roll not beneath the dust No feeling is in the cold grave They have leaped to other worlds They are far above the skies. They kindle in the stars They dance in the light of suns Or they live in the comet’s white haze. 1799 For I have tasted of that sacred stream Of science, whose delicious water flows From Nature’s bosom. Humphry Davy 1807 The perception of truth is almost as simple a feeling as the perception of beauty; and the genius of Newton, of Shakespeare, of Michael Angelo, and of Handel, are not very remote in character from each other. Imagination, as well as the reason, is necessary to perfection in the philosophic mind. A rapidity of combination, a power of perceiving analogies, and of comparing them by facts, is the creative source of discovery. Discrimination and delicacy of sensation, so important in physical research, are other words for taste; and love of nature is the same passion, as the love of the magnificent, the sublime, and the beautiful. Humphry Davy



Artists & Craftsmen

Things men have made with wakened hands,

and put soft life into are awake through years with transferred touch, and go on glowing for long years. And for this reason, some old things are lovely, Warm still with the life of forgotten men who made them. DH Lawrence Quotations Every time an artist dies, part of the vision of mankind passes with him. Benjamin Franklin The true worth of a man is not to be found in the man himself, but in the colours and textures that come alive in others.

Albert Schweitzer

Cycling and Motorbikes

The cyclist

You pull on a yellow vest, and black shorts with a chamois pad at the crotch, fill two water bottles with weak lemon squash, take bacon and lettuce butties that your mother left in the fridge; shut the back door, quietly, so as not to wake her; then you wheel your bike from the shed: cleaned, oiled, and with the gears honed to a precision worked on for hours. It’s a beautiful day: sun, hardly a wind, the scent of cut grass from the verges; violets, primroses, and red campion on the banks. On the hills, you pretend you’re winding your way up a rope. Coming down, you let the bike go – little pieces of grit flying up from the wheels. You stop by the river: splashing icy water on your face; watching trout and trout shadows holding still in the current. Then, you’re racing to make up for lost time: blood pumping



from your heart to shoulders, wrists, thighs, calves; muscles contracting, relaxing, without interference from the brain. If you were thinking of anything, it’s the first gulp of beer in the pub; licking a moustache of froth from your top lip; of tonight, if you’re lucky, slipping hot blistered hands round the lovely pulpy weight of a girl’s breasts. by Vicki Feaver

Biker Poem

I soar away into speed’s breeze, the engine’s power between my knees. The throttle trembles in my hand- at my control, at my command! In the droning rumble of the motor’s sound my problems, troubles and cares are drowned. Nothing keeps me from the sky, and I can ride where eagles fly! I dig my heels into the pegs, tune every muscle ’till my legs are synchronized with my machine, to feel the curves and with it lean, to live the thrills of sudden hills, the heart-quickening panic of would-be spills. Don’t call me back to earth again where I must walk like other men. All is quiet now The rush has gone I’ve never travelled this far



Don’t know where I’m going Or where all has gone The sun is bright And there’s a cool breeze I wouldn’t mind if this ride…………….. …………would last forever (An anonymous biker)

A brief candle; both ends burning

An endless mile; a bus wheel turning A friend to share the lonesome times A handshake and a sip of wine So say it loud and let it ring We are all a part of everything The future, present and the past Fly on proud bird You’re free at last". - Charlie Daniels

I ride the road of solitude,

The wind upon my face. I sense the road beneath my feet, As onward now I race. The rhythm of the open road, The freedom that it brings. The motor adds its gentle note, To the road song that it sings. It lifts my spirit, fills my mind; With joy that is unbound. Releases me from all my cares, With each new pleasure found. I ride the freedom road alone, As ever on I fly. To find a new and quiet place, Beneath the open sky. The freedom of the open road, My mind and soul released. It brings such joy, such peace of mind; Astride this gentle beast. And even in my deepest sleep, My soul rides on and then; I waken to a bright new day, And off I ride again. This need to ride ingrained so deep, As surely it must be.



I can’t resist, nor wish to try, I ride and am set free. I know that when I leave this world, My soul will travel on. To ever ride the open road, As in life I was drawn. Anon

Music

If Bach had been a beekeeper

If Bach had been a beekeeper he would have heard all those notes suspended above one another in the air of his ear as the differentiated swarm returning to the exact hive and place in the hive, topping up the cells with the honey of C major, food for the listening generations, key to their comfort and solace of their distress as they return and return to those counterpointed levels of hovering wings where movement is dance and the air itself a scented garden

by Charles Tomlinson

Sad Music

We fall to the earth like leaves Lives as brief as footprints in snow No words express the grief we feel I feel I cannot let her go. For she is everywhere Walking on the windswept beach Talking in the sunlit square. Next to me in the car I see her sitting there. At night she dreams me and in the morning the sun does not rise. My life is as thin as the wind And I am done with counting stars. She is gone she is gone. I am her sad music, and I play on, and on and on. Roger McGough



The Song is Ended

(but the melody lingers on) My thoughts go back to a heavenly dance A moment of bliss we spent Our hearts were filled with a song of romance As into the night we went And sang to our hearts’ content The song is ended But the melody lingers on You and the song are gone But the melody lingers on The night was splendid And the melody seemed to say "Summer will pass away Take your happiness while you may" There ’neath the light of the moon We sang a love song that ended too soon The moon descended And I found with the break of dawn You and the song had gone But the melody lingers on (Original lyrics by Irving Berlin)

8. The Natural World

The Stile Isn't it a noble, an enlightened way of spending our brief time in the sun, to work at understanding the universe and how we have come to wake up in it?" Richard Dawkins, 'Unweaving the Rainbow',

After the heady exhilarations of the heights

After the heady exhilarations of the heights, the ambitions, the striving to achieve, the pains and joys of life, we come to the stile. We pause and rest and contemplate the way ahead. No more toiling, just a slow easy descent to the valley. The walk and life come to an end. Deryck M. Richmond

Afterwards

When the Present has latched its postern behind my tremulous stay, And the May month flaps its glad green leaves like wings, Delicate-filmed as new-spun silk, will the neighbours say: "He was a man who used to notice such things"?



If it be in the dusk when, like an eyelid's soundless blink, The dewfall-hawk comes crossing the shades to alight Upon the wind-warped upland thorn, a gazer may think, "To him this must have been a familiar sight". If I pass during some nocturnal blackness, mothy and warm, When the hedgehog travels furtively over the lawn, One may say: "He strove that such innocent creatures should come to no harm, But he could do little for them; and now he is gone". If, when hearing that I have been stilled at last, they stand at the door; Watching the full-starred heavens that winter sees, Will this thought rise on those who will meet my face no more, "He was one who had an eye for such mysteries"? And will any say when my bell of quittance is heard in the gloom, And a crossing breeze cuts a pause in its outrollings, Till they rise again, as they were a new bell's boom, "He hears it not now, but used to notice such things?" Thomas Hardy.

Place

Once in a while you may come across a place where everything seems as close to perfection as you will ever need. And striving to be faultless the air on its knees holds the trees apart, yet nothing is categorically thus, or that, and before the dusk mellows and fails the light is like honey on the stems of tussock grass, and the shadows are mauve birthmarks on the hills. Brian Turner, All That Blue Can Be (Dunedin: John McIndoe, 1989)

He Wishes For The Cloths of Heaven

Had I the heaven’s embroidered cloths, Enwrought with golden and silver light, The blue and the dim and the dark cloths Of night and light and the half-light, I would spread the cloths under your feet: but I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; tread softly because you tread on my dreams. W B Yeats (1865-1939)



MARGARITAE SORORI, I.M.

A late lark twitters from the quiet skies; And from the west, Where the sun, his day’s work ended, Lingers as in content There falls on the old, gray city An influence luminous and serene, A shining peace. The smoke ascends In a rosy-and-golden haze. The spires Shine, and are changed. In the valley Shadows rise. The lark sings on. The sun, Closing his benediction, Sinks, and the darkening air Thrills with a sense of the triumphing night – Night with her train of stars And her great gift of sleep. So be my passing! My task accomplished and the long day done, My wages taken, and in my heart Some late lark singing, Let me be gathered to the quiet west, The sundown splendid and serene, Death. William Ernest Henley

Flowers When we were in the woods beyond Gowbarrow park we saw a few daffodils close to the water side. We fancied that the lake had floated the seeds ashore and that the little colony had so sprung up. But as we went along there were more and yet more and at last under the boughs of the trees, we saw that there was a long belt of them along the shore, about the breadth of a country turnpike road. I never saw daffodils so beautiful; they grew among the mossy stones about and about them, some rested their heads upon these stones as on a pillow for weariness, and the rest tossed and reeled and danced, and seemed as if they verily laughed with the wind that blew upon them over the lake, they looked so gay, ever glancing and changing. This wind blew directly over the lake to them. There was, here and there, a little knot and a few stragglers a few yards higher up, but they were so few as not to disturb the simplicity and unity and life of that one busy highway. Dorothy Wordsworth, Journals

I WANDERED LONELY AS A CLOUD

I wandered lonely as a cloud That floats on high o’er vales and hills, When all at once I saw a crowd, A host, of golden daffodils; Beside the lake, beneath the trees, Fluttering and dancing in the breeze. Continuous as the stars that shine And twinkle on the milky way,



They stretched in never-ending line Along the margin of a bay: Ten thousand saw I at a glance, Tossing their heads in sprightly dance. The waves beside them danced; but they Out-did the sparkling waves in glee: A poet could not but be gay, In such a jocund company: I gazed – and gazed – but little thought What wealth the show to me had brought: For oft, when on my couch I lie In vacant or in pensive mood, They flash upon that inward eye Which is the bliss of solitude; And then my heart with pleasure fills And dances with the daffodils. William Wordsworth

in time of daffodils

in time of daffodils (who know the goal of living is to grow) forgetting why, remember how in time of lilacs who proclaim the aim of waking is to dream, remember so (forgetting seem) in time of roses (who amaze our now and here with paradise) forgetting if, remember yes in time of all sweet things beyond whatever mind may comprehend, remember seek (forgetting find) and in a mystery to be (when time from time shall set us free) forgetting me, remember me e.e. cummings

MY HEREAFTER

Do not come when I am dead To sit beside a low green mound, Or bring the first gay daffodils Because I loved them so, For I shall not be there. You cannot find me there.



I will look up at you from the eyes Of little children; I will bend to meet you in the swaying boughts Of bud-thrilled trees, And caress you with the passionate sweep Of storm-filled winds; I will give you strength in your upward tread Of everlasting hills; I will cool your tired body in the flow Of the limpid river; I will warm your work-glorified hands through the glow Of the winter fire; I will soothe you into forgetfulness to the drop, drop Of the rain on the roof; I will speak to you out of the rhymes Of the Masters; I will dance with you in the lilt Of the violin, and make your heart leap with the bursting cadence Of the organ; I will flood your soul with the flaming radiance Of the sunrise, And bring you peace in the rose and gold Of the after-sunset. All these have made me happy; They are part of me; And I shall become part of them. Juanita De Long

I know that the day will come when my sight of this earth shall be lost, and life will take its leave in silence, drawing the last curtain over my eyes. Yet stars will watch at night, and morning rise as before, and hours heave like sea waves casting up pleasures and pains. Rabindranath Tagore

How We Cry

My mother cries hard tears, tight And slicing her face like steel. My sister’s tears are packed away, her eyes Balloons filled with water, their glassy skins Aching with weight. I saw my father cry once – perched on the edge Of the tweed-covered sofa in the living room, His father’s death dragging His face to his knees. These days when I cry



I think of rain, how the sky falls down and blankets the hills, Fattens rivers to a torrent of mud; and how A heron can still rise through it – away from the bruised banks, A grey raggedy flight upstream. Lynne Rees

Fishing,

"Trout Fishing"

Give me a rod of the split bamboo, a rainy day and a fly or two, a mountain stream where the eddies play, and mists hang low o’er the winding way, Give me a haunt by the furling brook, A hidden spot in a mossy nook, No sound save hum of the drowsy bee, or lone bird’s tap on the hollow tree. The world may roll with it’s busy throng, And phantom scenes on it’s way along, It’s stocks may rise, or it’s stocks may fall, Ah! What care I for it’s baubles all? I cast my fly o’er the troubled rill, Luring the beauties by magic skill, With mind at rest and a heart at ease, And drink delight at the balmy breeze. A lusty trout to my glad surprise, Speckled and bright on the crest arise, Then splash and plunge in a dazzling whirl, Hope springs anew as the wavelets curl. Gracefully swinging from left to right, Action so gentle- motion so slight,. Tempting, enticing, on craft intent, Till yielding tip by the game is bent Drawing in slowly, then letting go Under the ripples where mosses grow Doubting my fortune, lost in a dream, Blessing the land of forest and stream. by Eunice Lamberton 1873

"Fish, Fishing and the Fisherman" (1927)

The angler then, has had his day's fishing. Here again, there is a pleasure peculiar (from every other aspect of the day) to the walk home.



The day is over. Its miseries are past; its joys remain. He is a fool who dwells on the fishes he has lost while he carries home a brace of two-pounders, and even if he has nothing to show, there is much of which he may more profitably think than of a few trout swimming in their stream. The river, at times a thing of pure delight, is perhaps at its best during the dusk. Now, mystery and suggestiveness take the place of bold outline and strong shadow. The river shines pale here and there among the formless meadows. The willows are like grey ghosts trooping down to drink. Above the solemn downs, the young stars suddenly make vast the sky, and the dusk is the very hour of the elms. And the angler is observed. I think the crunch of boots sounds oddly pleasant in the dusk. I am sure it is different from the harsh grind they set up under a strong sun. Do they, at a memory's moment, soften their voice for memory's sake? Do they hush themselves in sympathy with the soundlessness of the feet which tread the road at the fisherman's side? For each evening as I leave the mill for my walk home along this clear river, I am joined always by one silent pair of boots. And I think I go more slowly than I might (for I have every reason to hurry), because they lag a little, and because I know I shall never hear them again. by William Caine

FISHERMEN

I like to think of fishermen And often times I wish That they’d get really lucky And catch their share of fish I ponder the psychology That roots them in their place And wonder at the calm I see In every anglers face There is such patience in their eyes Beside the river’s brink And waiting for a bite or rise they have no need to think They often seem such gentle men Who love - they know not why The grace of trees and water



Against a dappled sky So fishermen, as vain I watch My heart to you is kind The most precious prize of all you catch Is just your peace of mind Anon

Mountains moors and hills

From Peace in the Welsh

Here, where the earth is green, where heaven is true Opening the windows touched with earliest dawn, In the first frost of cool September days, Chrysanthemum weather, presaging great birth, Who in his heart could murmur or complain; ’The light we look for is not in this land?’ That light is present, and that distant time Is always here, continually redeemed. Vernon Watkins,

There’s a clean wind blowing

Over hill, flower and peat Where the bell heather’s growing And the brown burn’s flowing And the late shadows are going Down the glen on stealthy feet There’s a clean wind blowing And the breath of it is sweet O’er all the hilltops Is quiet now, In all the treetops Hearest thou Hardly a breath; The birds are asleep in the trees: Wait: soon like these Thou too shalt rest. translation from Goethe

THE YORKSHIRE MOORS

The pearls of a day hung in the topmost height When my crested hope whistled over dry-built walls And I over the good peat and the moss-green bog Wandered my never-lost way between the calls



Of curlew and playing plover; that was of all The emptiest world that ever I striding saw, With a blank road running in the tireless hills And a day's money to spend, day without flaw. The heather was young yet and the bilberry leaves Grew green in the burnt places, bracken was curled In that flowerless paradise - the stones were the flowers And the sepal and petal of brilliant water whirled Under the crag; and over by Ilkley way I counted, line upon line, rack over rack The nameless moors I would never walk, and a certain Concourse of light and cloud which would never come back. By Hal Summers

MOON COMPASSES

I stole forth dimly in the dripping pause Between two downpours to see what there was. And a masked moon had spread down compass rays To a cone mountain in the midnight haze, As if the final estimate were hers; And as it measured in her calipers, The mountain stood exalted in its place. So love will take between the hands a face … By Robert Frost

I see you still, in dreams and strangers' faces,

In some expression of my morning mirror; But cannot reach you in your solitude, Nor breathe the same thin air that laid you down. You grow not old, as I that am left grow old; I age, wane weary, am condemned by years - Whilst you lie eternal, Frozen in the beauty of your strength. I never will again hold back on love; Love's object may not stay to share tomorrow - Life, like a welcome guest, too soon departing. I would give you all my world to have you back, Remember you not in a photograph But in your smiling eyes and wild ideal. And yet, I would not pay a price too high: I would not think of asking you to change. And though your rope is cut and worlds have fallen, And though the pain will grip me through the years, If you were with me now, I still would help Encourage you to reach for mountain tops; Would watch you strive for where you should not go; And you would go again, and die again,



And I would cry - but cry how much the more If you should ever cease to be yourself. Mike Thexton (the brother of a climber who died)

The Sea

BEACH

This is how it will be: we will meet again and again and one time will be the last and we may not know it. The sea runs green today. The wind is testy. Long waves roll over in white crests, show off, as they beat against the beach, again and again. No beach remained after the hurricane. Now the waves bring back the sand. Returning, returning, returning, each wave carrying a few grains of sand. This is how a beach is built, firm enough to receive waves, strong enough for waves to beat against, again and again. The sea — violet more than turquoise — a breath longing for blue, ripples soft as a caress mirrors the light. A salty reflection on emptiness. Ingar Palmlund

The mammoth mass of water when

The mammoth mass of water when..gripped by storm the primordial thunder of ocean churning ...lashed by gale the awesome roar of ocean raging ...whipped by winds the feral crescendo of seething turbulence ...touched by breeze the dancing wave's symphonic cadence ...caressed by moon the soothing lullaby of soft undulation ...still and calm the infinite silence of deep meditation Gyanendra Srivastava



To dive

leaving behind the noise and bustle To submit to the dangers of depth To test your mind and your skill against the merciless sea To know the silence and life that waits is to know peace. Anon

Cornwall

OLD FRIENDS

The sky widens to Cornwall. A sense of sea Hangs in the lichenous branches and still there’s light. The road from its tunnel of blackthorn rises free To a final height, And over the west is glowing a mackerel sky Whose opal fleece has faded to purple pink. In this hour of the late-lit, listening evening, why Do my spirits sink? The tide is high and a sleepy Atlantic sends Exploring ripple on ripple down Polzeath shore, And the gathering dark is full of the thought of friends I shall see no more. Where is Anne Channel who loved this place the best, With her tense blue eyes and her shopping-bag falling apart, And her racy gossip and nineteen-twenty zest, And warmth of heart? Where’s Roland, easing his most unwieldy car, With its load of golf-clubs, backwards into the lane? Where’s Kathleen Stokes with her Sealyhams? There’s Doom Bar; Bray Hill shows plain; For this is the turn, and the well-known trees draw near; On the road their pattern in moonlight fades and swells: As the engine stops, from two miles off I hear St Minver bells. What a host of stars in a wideness still and deep: What a host of souls, as a motor-bike whines away And the silver snake of the estuary curls to sleep In Daymer Bay. Are they one with the Celtic saints and the years between? Can they see the moonlit pools where ribbonweed drifts? As I reach our hill, I am part of a sea unseen -



And oppression lifts. John Betjeman

Trebetherick

We used to picnic where the thrift Grew deep and tufted to the edge; We saw the yellow foam flakes drift In trembling sponges on the ledge Below us, till the wind would lift Them up the cliff and o’er the hedge. Sand in the sandwiches, wasps in the tea, Sun on our bathing dresses heavy with the wet, Squelch of the bladder-wrack waiting for the sea, Fleas around the tamarisk, an early cigarette. From where the coastguard houses stood One used to see below the hill, The lichened branches of a wood In summer silver cool and still; And there the Shade of Evil could Stretch out at us from Shilla Mill. Thick with sloe and blackberry, uneven in the light, Lonely round the hedge, the heavy meadow was remote, The oldest part of Cornwall was the wood as black as night, And the pheasant and the rabbit lay torn open at the throat. But when a storm was at its height, And feathery slate was black in rain, And tamarisks were hung with light And golden sand was brown again, Spring tide and blizzard would unite And sea come flooding up the lane. Waves full of treasure then were roaring up the beach, Ropes round our mackintoshes, waders warm and dry, We waited for the wreckage to come swirling into reach, Ralph, Vasey, Alistair, Biddy, John and I. Then roller into roller curled And thundered down the rocky bay, And we were in a water world Of rain and blizzard, sea and spray, And one against the other hurled We struggled round to Greenaway. Blesséd be St Enodoc, blesséd be the wave, Blesséd be the springy turf, we pray, pray to thee, Ask for our children all happy days you gave To Ralph, Vasey, Alistair, Biddy, John and me.

John Betjeman



SEA FEVER

I must go down to the seas again, to the lonely sea and the sky, And all I ask is a tall ship and a star to steer her by, And the wheel’s kick and the wind’s song and the white sail’s shaking, And a grey mist on the sea’s face and a grey dawn breaking. I must go down to the seas again, for the call of the running tide Is a wild call and a clear call that may not be denied; And all I ask is a windy day with the white clouds flying, And the flung spray and the blown spume, and the sea-gulls crying. I must go down to the seas again, to the vagrant gypsy life, To the gull’s way and the whale’s way where the wind’s like a whetted knife; And all I ask is a merry yarn from a laughing fellow-rover, And a quiet sleep and a sweet dream when the long trick’s over. By John Masefield (1878-1967).

Rivers

The Song of the River

The snow melts on the mountain and the water runs down to the spring, and the spring in a turbulent fountain, with a song of youth to sing, runs down to the riotous river, and the river flows to the sea. The water again goes back in rain to the hills where it used to be. and I wonder if life's deep mystery isn't much like the rain and the snow returning through all eternity to places it used to know. For life was born in the lofty heights and flows in a laughing stream, to the river below whose onward flow ends in a peaceful dream. And so at last, when our life has passed and the river has run its course, it again goes back O'er the selfsame track, to the mountain which was its source. So why clutch life, or why fear death, Or dread what is to be? The river ran its allotted span till it reached the silent sea. Then the water harked back



to the mountain-top to begin its course once more. So we shall run the course begun till we reach the silent shore. So don't ask why we live or die, or whither, or when we go; or struggle with the mysteries of life just enjoy it, and go with the flow. By William R. Hearst

Birds

THE COMPANY OF THE BIRDS

At the company of the birds I loved and cherished on earth Now, freed of flesh we fly Together, a flock of beating wings, I am as light, as feathery, As gone from gravity we soar In endless circles. Sasha Moorsom

Eagle Poem

To pray you open your whole self To sky, to earth, to sun, to moon; To one whole voice that is you. And know there is more That you can't see, can't hear, Can't know except in moments Steadily growing, and in languages That aren't always sound, but other Circles of motion. Like Eagle that Sunday morning Over Salt River. Circled in blue sky, In wind, swept our hearts clean With sacred wings. We see you, see ourselves and know That we must take the utmost care And kindness in all things. Breathe in, knowing we are made of All this, and breathe, knowing We are truly blessed because we Were born, and die soon within a True circle of motion, Like Eagle rounding out the morning Inside us. We pray that it will be done In beauty. In beauty. -Joy Harjo, Creek Indian



Trees

Nothing Gold Can Stay

Nature's first green is gold, Her hardest hue to hold. Her early leaf's a flower; But only so an hour. Then leaf subsides to leaf. So Eden sank to grief, So dawn goes down to day. Nothing gold can stay. Robert Frost

THE TREES

The trees are coming into leaf Like something almost being said; The recent buds relax and spread, Their greenness is a kind of grief. Is it that they are born again And we grow old? No, they die too. Their yearly trick of looking new Is written down in rings of grain. Yet still the unresting castles thresh In fullgrown thickness every May. Last year is dead, they seem to say, Begin afresh, afresh, afresh. Philip Larkin

IN HARDWOOD GROVES

The same leaves over and over again! They fall from giving shade above, To make one texture of faded brown And fit the earth like a leather glove. Before the leaves can mount again To fill the trees with another shade, They must go down past things coming up. They must go down into the dark decayed. They must be pierced by flowers and put Beneath the feet of dancing flowers. However it is in some other world I know that this is the way in ours. Robert Frost



Butterflies

Butterfly, the wind blows sea-ward, strong beyond the garden wall!

Butterfly why do you settle on my shoe, and sip the dirt on my shoe, lifting your veined wings, lifting them? Big white butterfly! Already it is October, and the wind blows strong to the sea from the hills where snow must have fallen, the wind is polished with snow. Here in the garden, with red geraniums, it is warm, it is warm but the wind blows strong to sea-ward, white butterfly, content on my shoe! Will you go, will you go from my warm house? Will you climb on your big soft wings, black-dotted, as up an invisible rainbow, an arch till the wind slides you sheer from the arch-crest and in a strange level fluttering you go out to sea-ward white speck! Farewell, farewell, lost soul! you have melted into the crystalline distance, it is enough! I saw you vanish into air. DH Lawrence

Haiku - Butterflies sober?

Butterflies sober? I’d as soon expect to see A fat snail dancing. Harol Morland

A Symbol of Love [unknown source]

A butterfly lights beside us like a sunbeam and for a brief moment, its glory and beauty belong to our world. But then it flies again, And though we wish it could have stayed... We feel lucky to have seen it.

The Tree of Life (extract from ‘The Falcon and the Dove’)

My own attitude towards death has never been one of fear .. My favourite symbol is the Tree of Life. The human race is the trunk and branches of this tree, and individual men and women are the leaves, which appear one season, flourish for a summer, and then die. I am like a leaf of this tree, and one day shall decay and fall, and become a pinch of compost at its roots. But meanwhile I am conscious of the tree’s flowing sap and steadfast strength. Deep down in my consciousness is the consciousness of a collective life, a life of which I am part, and to which I contribute a minute but unique



extension. When I die and fall, the tree remains, nourished to some degree by my brief manifestation of life. Millions of leaves have preceded me and millions will follow me, the tree itself grows and endures. Herbert Read

(To be found in ’Seasons of Life’ published by the RPA and available from the BHA online. Seasons of Life is an anthology compiled by former celebrants)

9. To Parents

Parents Our Parents cast long shadows over our lives. When we grow up we imagine that we can walk into the sun, free of them. We don’t realize until it’s too late that we have no choice in the matter, they’re always ahead of us. We carry them within us all our lives, in the shape of our faces, the way we walk, the sound of our voice, our skin, our hair, our hands, our heart. We try all our lives to separate ourselves from them and only when they are dead do we find we are indivisible. We grow to expect that our parents, like the weather, will always be with us. Then they go, leaving a mark like a hand print on glass or a soft kiss on a rainy day, and with their deaths we are no longer children. Richard Eyre

Mother

Always With You

Your mother is always with you She’s the whisper of the leaves As you walk down the street. She’s the smell of bleach In your freshly laundered socks She’s the cool hand on your brow When you’re not well Your mother lives inside your laughter. She’s crystallized in every teardrop She’s the place you came from Your first home She’s the map you follow With every step that you take. She’s your first love And your first heartbreak … And nothing on earth can separate you. Anon

Mother

Cinquains for a Mother and Grandmother’. We saw Her at the last Fragile and weak And in her saw the image of Our births



When our Protection lay In her strong nurturing So, by her bed in that long quiet Vigil We saw our strength as her Own frailty`s gift. So in Our life and in her fading, merge the Mirrors So at the last, we bear Her here as she bore us through our slow childhood, and we bring Our thanks Our love Our understanding Of that pattern which is Giving and receiving, and which Binds us all. by Hilary Elphick

’Elegy for a mother: clearing the dressing table’

The iridescent bowl and peacock lid Keeping your shell-blush powder free of dust Have lost their sheen, veiled with obscuring bloom From lack of use. ... The cherished last half inch Of ’Devon Violets’ (husbanded for years, A souvenir of some long-distant trip) Evaporates in silence through the stopper, Slow as a fading memory. ... How I long To hold its molecules ever in the flask, Alembic of remembrance, summoning back A fleeting fragrance, sharpest prompt of all Among your little, potent, well-loved things. What we would keep, we cannot; haunting scents Are fainter by the year, fine powder blows Too readily away, the wearer gone. Sharpness is kind, too: in the tarnished frame Of leaf scrolled plate around your ghost-grey form (You with Dad, laughing, snapped, one either side Of your skinny runt, that year at Littlehampton) Captured in silver bromide, paling grains Burst into brightness, as I sense once more The salty air, and, sandy, slippery-wet, Your strong arms swinging me above a wave. ©$quirrel 1996

For a mother/grandmother, at the Committal stage -

Because she lived, others lived, and will live. Because she loved, others loved, and will love. Because she laughed, others laughed, and will laugh again



Poem for a mother: “In life, we are lucky if we can find

a best friend whom we can trust and admire and love. But when that friend is also our mother then we are twice blessed, and fortunate beyond our dreams.” Adapted from Audrey Esar How do we let a mother go? How do we say “I’m ready now to go on without you”? How can we ever have a clue of what that really means? And of a sudden The moment is upon us, and there’s no turning back. And then we know what grief is,…. and guilt and love and things undone. Try to prepare and we will fail in some way, be it subtle or looming…. But there is peace too. Peace and acceptance and overwhelming love that we maybe weren’t aware of. Waves and waves of conflicting emotion, And laughter too, and memories we hadn’t bothered lately to recall come flooding back in shared company.. and it’s all about you mum… And there’s gratitude. so much of that, that we had you, such a wonderful mother… Bright and shining, nobody’s fool, Independent, but humble too; Smart, and kind, and fun. Adventurous.. A part of you has passed away, but much is carried everyday within us, and will as long as we are here. This may be a final tribute, A day to celebrate your life and say goodbyes; But it’s not final. Everyday I’ll celebrate in some way, just by the virtue of how you shaped my life, The absolute and incredible fortune that I knew you. As a mother, a friend and a woman. Lori Boast



If there is happiness in our hearts,

it’s because you helped put it there. If there is a gentleness in our beliefs, it’s because you showed us how to care. If there is understanding in our thinking, it’s because you shared your wisdom. If there is a rainbow over our shoulder, it’s because of your outlook and your vision. If there is a knowledge that we can reach out - and we really can make some dreams come true - it’s because we learned from the best teacher of all. We learned... from you. Anon

As we look back over time

We find ourselves wondering… Did we remember to thank you enough For all you have done for us? For all the times you were by our sides To help and support us… To celebrate our successes… To understand our problems… And accept our defeats? Or for teaching us by your example, The value of hard work, good judgment, Courage and integrity? We wonder if we ever thanked you For the sacrifices you made. To let us have the very best? And for the simple things we shared? If we have forgotten to show our Gratitude enough for all the things you did. We’re thanking you now. And we are hoping you knew all along. How much you meant to us. Clare Jones

You only have one Mother

So patient kind and true No other friend in all the world Will be the same as you When other friends forsake you To her you can return For all her loving kindness She asks nothing in return As we look upon her picture Sweet memories we recall Of a face so full of sunshine And a smile for one and all



Her life was love and labour Her love for the family - True She did her best for everyone And now says:- Bless you Do not grieve for beauty gone, Limbs that ran to meet the sun Lend their likeness to another: Child shall re-create its mother. Anon

What Can You Say

What can you say To someone who has always been one of The most essential parts of your world; Someone who took you by the hand When you were little And helped to show the way… What do you say to someone Who stood by to help you grow, Providing love, strength, and support So you could become the person You are today? What can you say to let her know That she’s the best there is, And that you hope you’ve inherited Some of her wisdom and her strength? What words would you say If you ever got the chance? Maybe you just say “ I love you Mum…” and hope she understands Anon.

Going

(for my mother-in-law Gladys) Mum, you would have loved the way you went! One moment, at a barbeque in the garden - the next, falling out of your chair, hamburger in one hand, and a grandson yelling. Zipp! The heart’s roller blind rattling up, and you, in an old dress, quite still, flown already from your dearly-loved Lyndon, leaving only a bruise like a blue kiss on the side of your face, the seed-beds incredibly tidy,



grass daunted by drought. You’d have loved it, Mum, you big spender! The relatives, eyes narrowed with grief, swelling the rooms with their clumsiness, the reverberations of tears, the endless cuppas and groups revolving blinded as moths. The joy of your going! The laughing reminiscences snagged on the pruned roses in the bright blowing day! by Bruce Dawe This one can be adapted for Mothers, Fathers, Grandfathers, Grandmothers, or sisters, brothers. Just change the lead line.

Our Mum had smiles to brighten our days;

This was our Mum Our Mum had smiles to brighten our days; had sticking plasters for our knees; made us feel good with her warm words of praise. She knew what to do to make wishes come true. She was our Mum. Our Mum always had good stories to tell, and knew to be a good listener as well. She was so patient and kind; the best friend you could hope to find. She was no ordinary woman; I'm proud to tell the world that (Insert your Mum’s name here) Was our Mum. adapted from Tony Webster’s poem

Mum

I used to think that people didn't need their Mums so much after they grew up. But I've realized that's not true. So often, when I'm making a decision, I wish you were here so I could ask your advice. And so many times, when something happens that I know you would enjoy, I wish you were here to share it with me. Now that I'm older I've realized how special our relationship is. And while I'm thankful for this bond, somehow it makes me miss you more. Mum, I love you so very much. If I could have but one wish I know what it would be To see your loving face once more To have you here with me. I miss you Mum Anon.



Father,

THIS WAS MY FATHER

My Father had smiles to brighten your days; made you feel good with his warm words of praise. He knew what to do to make wishes come true. He was my Father. My Father always had good stories to tell, and knew to be a good listener as well. He was so patient and kind; the very best friend you could hope to find. He was no ordinary man; I'm proud to tell the world that (Insert your Dad’s name here) Was my Father. By Tony Webster

I See You Dancing, Father

No sooner downstairs after the night’s rest And in the door Than you started to dance a step In the middle of the kitchen floor. And as you danced You whistled. You made your own music Always in tune with yourself. Well, nearly always, anyway. And whenever I think of you I go back beyond the old man Mind and body broken To find the unbroken man. It is the moment before the dance begins, Your lips are enjoying themselves Whistling an air. Whatever happens or cannot happen In the time I have to spare I see you dancing, father. Brendan Kennelly

MY FATHER

The memory of my father is wrapped up in white paper, like sandwiches taken for a day at work. Just as a magician takes towers and rabbits



out of his hat, he drew love from his small body, and the rivers of his hands overflowed with good deeds. By Yehuda Amichai

Those Winter Sundays’

’Sundays too my father got up early and put his clothes on in the blueblack cold, then with cracked hands that ached from labour in the weekday weather made banked fires blaze. No one ever thanked him. I’d wake and hear the cold splintering, breaking. When the rooms were warm, he’d call, and slowly I would rise and dress, fearing the chronic angers of that house, speaking indifferently to him, who had driven out the cold and polished my good shoes as well. What did I know, what did I know of love’s austere and lonely offices?’ Robert Hayden

To Dad

It happens without warning Time and time again I go along and join the flow But still remember when You were there to share it all That made it all worthwhile The memories keep flooding back And once again I smile Then reality returns to me And once again you’re gone If only this little dream I have Could simply just go on I try and hide the heartache But I feel it none the less Here’s my heart saying to you I miss and love you very much… Goodnight. Sleep well.

Anon



My Dad

Your shirts are in the closet, Your shoes are in the hall, Mum is in the kitchen, And your paintings are on the wall, And all that I can feel is pain. Your mug is on the counter, Your jacket is on your chair, Your tapes are on the shelves, But you should also be there, And all that I feel is pain. Your pictures are everywhere, And Summer Wine’s on t.v. again, And now your house is waiting, For you to walk in again, And all that I feel is pain. You’re missing when I close my eyes, You’re missing when I see the sunrise, You’re missing when I turn out the light, You’re missing when I need a word to the wise, And all that I feel is pain. But then I feel something deep within, I hear laughter somewhere far away, I close my eyes and see your face, And I know you’re here today, And everything I feel is not pain You’re here inside this room, Upon your children’s faces, You’re here beside my mum, And in remembered places, And everything I feel is no longer pain I see you in my sister’s smile, I hear you in my brother’s voice, You’re in all of our memories, And in today’s music of choice, And everything I feel is now such pride and joy I love you dad and always will, My respect for you goes on and on, And now I know you’ll always be with me, For I am my father’s son. By Barry Webster



Memories of childhood

Then, suddenly again, Christopher Robin, who was still looking at the world with his chin in his hands, called out "Pooh!" "Yes?" said Pooh. "When I’m--when-- Pooh!" "Yes, Christopher Robin?" "I’m not going to do Nothing any more." "Never again?" "Well, not so much. They don’t let you." Pooh waited for him to go on, but he was silent again. "Yes, Christopher Robin?" said Pooh helpfully. "Pooh, when I’m--you know--when I’m not doing Nothing, will you come up here sometimes?" "Just Me?" "Yes, Pooh." "Will you be here too?" "Yes, Pooh, I will be really. I promise I will be, Pooh." "That’s good," said Pooh. "Pooh, promise you won’t forget about me, ever. Not even when I’m a hundred." Pooh thought for a little. "How old shall I be then?" "Ninety-nine." Pooh nodded. "I promise," he said. Still with his eyes on the world Christopher Robin put out a hand and felt for Pooh’s paw. "Pooh," said Christopher Robin earnestly, "if I--if I’m not quite" he stopped and tried again --". Pooh, whatever happens, you will understand, won’t you?" "Understand what?" "Oh, nothing." He laughed and jumped to his feet. "Come on!" "Where?" said Pooh. "Anywhere," said Christopher Robin. So they went off together. But wherever they go, and whatever happens to them on the way, in that enchanted place on the top of the Forest a little boy and his Bear will always be playing. AA Milne Here’s how I’m ending a funeral ceremony tomorrow. We are burying the deceased - who loved owls - in his own woodland. To end our ceremony now, I’d like to leave you with some words from Christopher Robin to all the animals, including owl, in 100 Aker Wood: “If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together.. there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart…. I’ll always be with you.”



10. Sport Can anyone tells me where the quote "it matters not whether you win or lose, it’s how you play the game" comes from. I can’t trace it in any of my anthologies and google isn’t helping - lots of use of it but no source. A family I am working with want the full poem in the funeral (if there is one). It sounds like Kipling to me, but I’m sure one of you can come up with an instant solution...... Gill Herbert The original quotation came from an American sports writer called Grantland Rice - in an article apparently though the poem below does have echoes of it, and it is a lovely piece I think. Another alternative though very dated is Sir Henry Newbolt’s poem Vitae Lampada – “play up play up and play the game”.

GAME CALLED

Game Called. Across the field of play the dusk has come, the hour is late. The fight is done and lost or won, the player files out through the gate. The tumult dies, the cheer is hushed, the stands are bare, the park is still. But through the night there shines the light, home beyond the silent hill. Game Called. Where in the golden light the bugle rolled the reveille. The shadows creep where night falls deep, and taps has called the end of play. The game is done, the score is in, the final cheer and jeer have passed. But in the night, beyond the fight, the player finds his rest at last. Game Called. Upon the field of life the darkness gathers far and wide, the dream is done, the score is spun that stands forever in the guide. Nor victory, nor yet defeat is chalked against the players name. But down the roll, the final scroll, shows only how he played the game. Grantland Rice Ros Curtis

For when that one great scorer comes to write against your name

He writes not that you won or lost But how you played the game. The end of a poem read at school many years ago. Title of poem forgotten and poet could be Sir Henry Newbolt. Lots of public school sports poems were written in that era and most of them godly. I’m pretty certain that that poem was the origin of your quotation. The corrupted version is used by lots of sports people now and has probably lost its godly connections. Christine Riley Moger



Thanks everyone. For those that want the original Grantland Rice poem see below for a web link. It is long but very adaptable.... http://runalot.blogspot.com/2007/12/alumnus-football-by-grantland-rice.html Gill Herbert

Horse Racing,

Racehorses trot

around the parade ring these wonderful animals from the sport of kings The jockeys on board in colours so bright like modern day gladiators into the fight The public around the stands do amble trying to guess on which to gamble The bookmakers standing there shouting out names enticing the punters to give up their gains The horses are cantering down to the start all riders hear is one beating heart That of their own drums in their ears the tension, adrenalin drowns out the fears Horses are locked away one by one the gates fly open the race has begun Wind beats their faces, rain stings their eyes as these galloping stars race for the prize The post, it comes nearer whips they do crack every effort’s made not to be at the back Who will end up

http://runalot.blogspot.com/2007/12/alumnus-football-by-grantland-rice.html



in the 1, 2 or 3 public with binoculars craning too see The race it is over gone in a flash bookmakers curse as they hand out their cash The winner , a hero greeted with cheers the trainer is happy the owners in tears with joy unconfined another horse wins and all losing tickets are tossed in dustbins The eternal optimist in gamblers sees the next race’s winner "£10 on 4 , please" Another loser? or winner maybe found on this, horse racing’s hallowed ground For me? well, I’ll wander off home maybe to write a horse racing poem?

The Music of the Morn

While most of us are fast asleep As the moon begins its fall, And drifts it’s gentle light Across the clock upon the wall; There’s others who have left their beds There’s hoof beats in the dawn, And out upon the training track The music of the morn. The frost lays thick upon the ground And shines upon the roofs, And all around, the lovely sound A thousand steel shod hoofs, A scraping here, a snorting there A jockey’s curse, a whinny; A trainer feeling tender legs "Damn, that colt’s gone shinny."



And out in pairs they come and go "800 please, at evens, "Hey Jack, have you got one to go? "The two-year old of Stevens?" Then stately past, with entourage, The champion slowly prances, No envy here, just horsemen’s pride And true admiring glances. The flaring nostrils show soft red, A roll, hose, scrape and lead, The rug thrown on, and off back home To munch the morning feed And as they leave, some more come in While the sun turns red at dawn To the clatter of a thousand hoofs, The music of the morn. So when I die I hope that I Can chat with old Saint Peter, And that dear chap would understand That nothing could be sweeter For me, to go where the horses run Down a track that’s long and worn, To hear once more, the glorious sound; The music of the morn. by Fran Cleland

DO THEY KNOW?

Do they know? At the turn to the straight Where the favourites fail, And every atom of weight Is telling its tale, As some grim old stayer hard-pressed Runs true to his breed, And with head just in front of the rest Fights on in the lead; When the jockeys are out with the whips, With a furlong to go; And the backers grow white to the lips -- Do you think they don’t know? Do they know? As they come back to weigh In a whirlwind of cheers, Though the spurs have left marks of the fray, Though the sweat on the ears Gathers cold, and they sob with distress As they roll up the track. They know just as well their success As the man on their back As they walk through a dense human lane That sways to and fro,



And cheers them again and again, Do you think they don’t know? AB Paterson

I saw the racer coming to the jump,

Staring with fiery eyeballs as he rushed, I heard the blood within his body thump, I saw him launch, I heard the toppings being crushed. And as he landed I beheld his soul Kindle, because, in front he saw the Straight With all its thousands roaring at the goal, He laughed, he took the moment for his mate. Would that the passionate moods on which we ride Might kindle thus to oneness with the will; Would we might see the end to which we stride, And feel, not strain, in struggle, only thrill. And laugh like him and know in all our nerves Beauty, the spirit, scattering dust and turves. John Masefield

Memories of a horse

I stand behind the stable door and think Of all the things I’ve seen Of singing birds and greening trees Everywhere that I have been Of golden sun and rocky crags In gullies deep and fun Of sparkling falls and flying fish And perfect grass on which to run I stand behind the stable door and think Of where I will be When the seasons turn without me The world leaving me behind For still I have many things Which I have yet to see With each season come the birds With whom I like to be I have seen true many wonders Though now I stand at journey’s end With hopes that you can do the same My thoughts to you I send. Anon



The Horses

Barely a twelvemonth after The seven days war that put the world to sleep, Late in the evening the strange horses came. By then we had made our covenant with silence, But in the first few days it was so still We listened to our breathing and were afraid. On the second day The radios failed; we turned the knobs; no answer. On the third day a warship passed us, heading north, Dead bodies piled on the deck. On the sixth day A plane plunged over us into the sea. Thereafter Nothing. The radios dumb; And still they stand in corners of our kitchens, And stand, perhaps, turned on, in a million rooms All over the world. But now if they should speak, If on a sudden they should speak again, If on the stroke of noon a voice should speak, We would not listen, we would not let it bring That old bad world that swallowed its children quick At one great gulp. We would not have it again. Sometimes we think of the nations lying asleep, Curled blindly in impenetrable sorrow, And then the thought confounds us with its strangeness. The tractors lie about our fields; at evening They look like dank sea-monsters couched and waiting. We leave them where they are and let them rust: ’They’ll molder away and be like other loam.’ We make our oxen drag our rusty plows, Long laid aside. We have gone back Far past our fathers’ land. And then, that evening Late in the summer the strange horses came. We heard a distant tapping on the road, A deepening drumming; it stopped, went on again And at the corner changed to hollow thunder. We saw the heads Like a wild wave charging and were afraid. We had sold our horses in our fathers’ time To buy new tractors. Now they were strange to us As fabulous steeds set on an ancient shield. Or illustrations in a book of knights. We did not dare go near them. Yet they waited, Stubborn and shy, as if they had been sent By an old command to find our whereabouts And that long-lost archaic companionship. In the first moment we had never a thought That they were creatures to be owned and used. Among them were some half a dozen colts Dropped in some wilderness of the broken world, Yet new as if they had come from their own Eden. Since then they have pulled our plows and borne our loads But that free servitude still can pierce our hearts. Our life is changed; their coming our beginning. Edwin Muir



Cricket www.ckcricketheritage.org.uk cricket

The Last Round

Soft, soft the sunset falls upon the green. Tranquility once more surrounds the scene. The last hole’s played this night; The final putt just an inch too far right. But memory will play again, Many and many a day again. The game that’s done, The game that’s never done. And in our dreams we’ll see each hole replayed. Drive straight down the middle, pitch near perfect, A simple putt, O well played! While on the course we’re seldom half as good, And hardly ever seem to play the shots we could. But memory will play again, Many and many a day again. The game that’s done The game that’s never done. And as in golf it’s so with life. Life is a game, A game that’s done, A game that’s never done.

Play up! Play up! And play the game!

There’s a breathless hush in the close to-night Ten to make and the match to win A bumping pitch and a blinding light, An hour to play, and the last man in. And it’s not for the sake of a ribboned coat. Or the selfish hope of a season’s fame, But his captain’s hand on his shoulder smote "Play up! Play up! And play the game!" The sand of the desert is sodden red, -- Red with the wreck of a square that broke; -- The Gatling’s jammed and the colonel’s dead, And the regiment blind with dust and smoke. The river of death has brimmed his banks, And England’s far, and Honour a name, But the voice of schoolboy rallies the ranks,



"Play up! play up! and play the game!" This is the word that year by year While in her place the School is set Every one of her sons must hear, And none that hears it dare forget. This they all with a joyful mind Bear through life like a torch in flame, And falling fling to the host behind -- "Play up! play up! and play the game!" By Sir Henry Newbolt

I bowl to my reflection in the outside kitchen door,

Then, switching to a batsman’s role I face myself once more. Was ever bowler quite so subtle with his sleight of hand? Or ever batter quicker to read and understand? Such wealth of cricket expertise by subterfuge concealed, Deserts me from the moment that I step on to the field. by Arthur Salway

Afternoon Cricket (Part One)

Afternoon cricket played on the green, Rubicund faces, chubby and keen, Flushed with ale and villagers pride, A shameful longing, rumbling inside, The sight of those scones; sandwiches too! Cheese and tomato, beer to brew. For after a match, no better respite Than fingers of fudge and angel delight. But on with the game, on with the fun, The pitch has been rolled, the match has begun, The guard has been taken, shoulders are wound, The umpires standing, swarthy and round, With hands to their eyes and squinting about They ought to wear specs but make do without, Behind is the church, clothed of our sin, Father forgive us and help us to win. Daniel ’Sir Dan’ Tyler

Cricket Explained One team is in and one is out.

The team that’s in goes out And the team that’s out goes out And tries to get the team that’s in out. When the team that’s in is out they go in And the team that was out is in And then it’s time for tea. Esra Sloblock



Peter Wynne Willson, who is not only a cricket fanatic but has taken a few Humanist funerals and weddings over the years. He said he had a book of cricket poems, some of which might be appropriate, but would need to know more about the deceased to be able to suggest something sensible. I think, if anyone is still interested, it might be best to get into direct touch with him. His email is: [email protected]

Cricket

Cricket, cricket, cricket! Everyone likes cricket. It becomes more interesting, When the opponent’s team loses its wicket. When the ball goes for a boundary, The fielder jumps for a catch. If he misses it, He misses his next match. If the ball hurts the batsman, The batsman suffers from injury, And takes a long time in recovery. The bowler is happy with this hurt, Because the batsman cannot hit another century. The one who likes this sport, Watches it a lot and those who hate the sport, Please don’t insult it a lot. Anon

When An Old Cricketer Leaves The Crease’

When the day is done, and the ball has spun Into the umpire’s pocket away, And all remains, in the groundsman’s pains, For the rest of time and a day. There’ll be one mad dog and his master, pushing for 4 with the spin On a dusty pitch, with two pounds six of willow wood in the sun. When an old cricketer leaves the crease, you never know whether he’s gone If sometimes you’re catching a fleeting glimpse of a 12th man at silly mid-on. And it could be Geoff, and it could be John, With a new ball sting in his tail. And it could be me, and it could be thee, And it could be the sting in the ale…in the ale. When the moment comes, and the gathering stands, And the clock turns back to reflect On the years of grace, as those footsteps trace For the last time out of the act. Well this way of life’s recollection The hallowed strip in the haze, The fabled men, and the moonday sun, Are just more than years of their days. Anon



Football www.footballpoets.org [email protected]

World Without Football

can you imagine a world without football I dare you to give it a try would your day hold enough could you slot into stuff would you struggle and wilt or get by? we get tasters in summer but somehow our winters don’t freeze like they did back before we’re assaulted bombarded but never red-carded and we play on in peace or in war and we live by those dates that are looming and we find ourselves somewhere sometimes on a beach by the sea or with people for tea with some game going on in our mind we are helpless devotees of something that a wise man could never explain how our neutralness hides in the love of our sides and this hopeless obsession we claim we get smitten and bitten like nettles we get hooked like some fish on a line but it’s just metaphors and we’re fired for the cause that will haunt us and last for all time and nobody knows how it happens and nobody knows how it starts how a woman or man or a child without plan seem to follow like sheep with their hearts and some of us talk of the first time how it clicked and the second we knew how it hovered around like a taste or a sound that does something to me and to you it’s pathetic and weird but euphoric it’s a curse we can never avoid it’s a nightmare a blessing that keeps us all guessing til all of our dreams are destroyed but there’s always the next time we mutter so bring on the next one we say it’s over it’s done and the other guys won I guess sometimes it turns out that way and I think of the rubbish I’ve uttered about front men who never can score about big time pretenders disguised as defenders there’s a lot we can hate and abhor like the money that’s thrown at this monster as wages spin out of control while the kid on the street breaks the bank to compete



for some team that are deep in his soul where the colours mean more than imagined though the strips change so fast through the years there is always that hue that connects them to you that will summon up passion or fear and you know there’ll be blips on the journey it won’t teach us the reason we’re here and maybe I’m lazy but it I’d miss it like crazy if one day it just wasn’t here so can you imagine a world without football I dare you to give it a try would your life hold enough could you forget that stuff would you struggle or lie down and cry? Crispin Thomas

Madsummer Thoughts For An Alien

Some madsummer thoughts for an alien and how they’d perceive us down here in our shopping store grounds with their lights and their sounds when forty odd thousand all cheer is it something akin to most planets this Star- Warsy Potter pastime - with our Western designs in these decadent times would they shudder at what they would find? in our glorified temples with thirty foot photos of players in red white and blue would they think it a game or some theatre where pain is a battle we just love to view if they flew over mountains and jungles where the posts are from branches of trees where it’s dry as a bone and the goals are just stones they’d find balls made from bundles of leaves but the lines of the pitches are always the same and from high look like mystical signs whether carved in the sand or just chalked out by hand in some back street or way down the mines and they greet us on billboards wherever we go they surround us like leaders of old from José Mourinho to that bloke Robinho from Cairo to Stow On The Wold it’s obsessive depressive regressive it’s a love and hate crazy affair you can reach for the top you can scream til you drop or just watch with your head in despair you can tell him the things that concern you our planet our wars and our ocean but try as we may we will probably say it’s the passion the skill and emotion



it’s the fathomless something that takes us it’s a sport that’s careering away and it has the same name as the old people’s game but it’s totally different today so you’d just have to smile at an alien and hope that he’s just like E.T but to try and explain why we worship the game it’s not easy for you or for me Crispin Thomas

The love of the game.

The game of football and me Go together like a large gin and T Like Richards and Jagger A Cloak and a dagger Blair and Bush Dalgliesh and Rush And like Taylor and Burton One thing is for certain My love for the game remains. Like Tom and Jerry Lampard and Terry The Dandy and Beano Fergie and Keano For Moore and Best And all of the rest Osgood and Ball God bless them all Roy Race and Blackie And the immortal ’Wor Jackie’ Are just a few of the reasons Why this man for all seasons Still retains his love for the game. John Oliver

FOOTBALL

There’s a game that you’ll ’appen ’ave ’eard of, Noble, ancient traditional game. Some reckon t’ were what Stonehenge were built for And that t’ rules are still more or less t’ same. But nobody knows when it started, Least nobody’s certain at all. Some reckon that it were the very same day Somebody invented the ball.



Well, its origins got lost in antiquity Till an ’undred an’ some odd years back At a loony bin just outside Wigan When security got a bit slack. See, one Sat’day, this new warder noticed All the inmates ’ad just ..... disappeared. ’E says to ’is mate, Sam "If the Guv’nor finds out ..... " Sam says "Shut up, and deal, Never fear!" "But if ’e finds ’em all missing an’ absent ’an gone, Bloody ’ell, ’e’ll ’ave us skinned alive!" "Don’t worry." says Sam, "It’s the same ev’ry week. They always get back before five." Now, just at that moment, the Guv’nor walks in. "Where’s t’ patients?" ’e did loudly remark. Sam says "They always sod off on a Sat’day, I think they all go down to t’ park." Then t’ Guv’nor ’e says (all sarcastical, like) "When you find time, now, please, lads, don’t rush. Will you get off your arses and find ’em?" Sam says "What? When I’ve got Royal Flush?" Just then, all of t’ staff chucked their ’ands in An’ decided that t’ best thing to do, Just to humour their Guv’nor, they’d pop round to t’ park An’ at least try an’ bring back a few. But, to their sheer amazement an’ wonder, They found the whole lot, all together, A sight to impress, in a state of undress, Kickin’ round this big ball made of leather. Well, they stood an’ they watched for ’alf ’our, Even t’ Guv’nor said t’ were good clean fun. Nobody got maimed, raped or murdered. ’Part from blokes kissin’ blokes, no harm done. An’ t’ kissin’ was only when one of the lads Kicked t’ ball between t’ posts into t’ net An’ Sam says to t’ Guv’nor "I said not to worry, Not one’s ever buggered off yet." But t’ Guv’nor ’e says "This’ll all ’ave to stop, Can’t just let them stroll out when they like." But, as soon as the patients all ’eard about this Their Shop Steward says "Right lads. On strike!" Now t’ patients they acted dead sane all that week An’ t’ warders all got quite annoyed, Till Sam says to t’ Guv’nor "If they keep this up Me an’ thee’s goin’ to be unemployed!" "Tha’s right, Sam." says t’ Guv’nor, "I know, tell thee what We’ll let them play on, as before,



But you an’ your warders, you all go an’ watch ’em, Keep an eye out, just so’s we know t’score." So for t’ next three or four Sat’days after, ’Stead of t’ card school, or ’avin’ a rest, Sam an’ t’ warders all went off to t’ park to see t’ game An’ they started to take interest. Pretty soon they got fed up just watchin’, They thought they’d like to ’ave a game too, So they fixed up a match against t’ inmates, But t’ Guv’nor says "Sam, this won’t do!" "Who’s goin’ to keep an eye out on t’ patients?" "No problem." says Sam, "Easy done. ’Cos we know that the ones who aren’t playin’ Always stand round an’ watch, just for t’ fun." So t’ Guv’nor relented, says "Play ’em next week. If tha gets beat, tha’ll all look right fools. Just make sure there’s only t’ same number of them, An’ tha’d best start by learnin’ all t’ rules." Now the day of the big match was ’ere at last And the weather ’ad turned out quite nice. They consulted this fella called Accrington Stan For some last minute words of advice. Though ’e knew all of t’ rules, Stanley just couldn’t play, ’Cos t’ poor lad ’e were practic’ly blind. They felt sorry for t’ lad, ’e did not ’ave a dad, Least, not one ’is mother could find. "Tha’d best come on t’ field where tha can see us." said Sam, Tha knows t’ rules best, so tha’s gotten t’ job. Then, if we go wrong, just tha bash this ’ere gong, Better still, stick this whistle in t’ gob." So, all t’ loonies an’ idiots not playin’ in t’ match Stood round t’ edge, telling them ’ow to play, All shoutin’ an’ swearin’ at t’ short-sighted ref, Which is ’ow football is to this day. by Alan Lavercombe

Monologues

Five yards out, / an open goal And not a man in sight. The memory of that awful miss Still haunts me late at night. Ten seconds left in extra time And history in the making But Smith’s shot / hit the goalie’s legs / And now our hearts are breaking.



A paralytic lemming With a skill of a half dead cat And all the finesse of a hamster Could have done better than that… A decomposing dogfish Wrapped in bandage head to toe / Could have stuck that ball into the net, But Gordon Smith? Oh no! A fleeting glimpse of glory Alas, ‘twas not to be… We lost the replay 4-nil / Went down to division three. The one chance in a lifetime So cruelly snatched away. But till the white coats come for me I’ll never forget that day. Anon

Footy Poem

I’m an ordinary feller six days of the week But Saturday turn into a football freak. I’m a schizophrenic, sad but it’s true One half of me’s red, and the other half’s blue. I can’t make me mind up which team to support Whether to lead to starboard or port I’d be bisexual if I had time for sex Cos it’s Goodison one week and Anfield the next. But the worst time of all is Derby day One half of me’s at home and the other’s away So I get down there early in me usual place With me rainbow scarf and me two-tone face. And I’m shouting for Liverpool, the Reds can’t lose ‘Come on de Everton’ – ‘Gerrin dere Blues’ ‘Use yer winger’ – ‘Worra puddin’ ‘King of der Kop’ – All of a sudden – Wop! ‘Goal’ – ‘Offside!’ And after the match as I walk back alone It’s argue, argue all the way home Some nights when I’m drunk I’ve even let fly An given meself a poke in the eye. But in front of the fire watchin’ ‘Match of the Day’ Tired but happy, I look at it this way: Part of me’s lost and part of me’s won I’ve had twice the heartaches – but I’ve had twice the fun. Anon



11. Burials, scatterings I have to do my first burial at a cemetery where there is no chapel so the service will all be outside. Advice please especially on length of service. Ros Curtis Big warm coat, plastic covered script, big boots, F.D. with big umbrella and keep it short and sweet. I’ve worked hard to persuade families to have a short pre-ceremony indoors wherever possible. If you are out in the elements encourage people to gather tightly to keep warm before you get under way - penguins have a lot to teach us about such events.... and I wish you a lovely sunny spring day so that all the precautions will be unnecessary. Gill Herbert all of the above and also position yourself so that the wind does not carry your voice away. Tina Pritchard Thanks vey much - I did try to get them to have an inside service but to no avail. Short and sweet it is!! Ros Curtis I usually reckon on a script about half the length of an inside one, Rosalind. Alison Orchard

Responses for a Burial

Into the darkness and warmth of the earth We lay you down Into the sadness and smiles of our memories We lay you down Into the cycle of living and dying and rising again We lay you down May you rest in peace, in fulfilment, in loving

When I am Not When I am not,

no tears, for then I shall be always: I crave no epitaph, no hymns, no marble urn. Take what I was and plant me close, beneath some sapling’s root. So through its life shall I live and share its gentle strength. Rising in Spring to taste the sun and rain and falling with its autumn tears, Thus shall I join the circle of the earth and this, if you have love for me, I beg you do. Bob Reeves



Woodland Burial

Don’t lay me in some gloomy churchyard shaded by a wall, Where the dust of ancient bones has spread a dryness over all, Lay me in some leafy loam where, sheltered from the cold, Little seeds investigate, and tender leaves unfold There, kindly and affectionately plant a native tree To grow resplendent and hold some part of me. The roots will not disturb me as they wend their peaceful way To build the fine and bountiful from closure and decay To seek their small requirements so that when their work is done I’ll be tall and standing strongly in the beauty of the sun. Pam Ayers

Safe from the frost and snow,

Safe from the storm and the sun, Safe where the seeds wait to grow One by one

Christina Rossetti

The earth is round, the sun the stars and the moon

And the seasons all move in a circle too And our spring will come again soon. As long as the sun will shine as long as the rivers may flow As long as the moon will rise As long as the grass may grow. Faith Petric

The Dead are not under the Earth

They are not dead under the earth They are in the tree that rustles They are in the woods that groan They are in the water that runs They are in the water that sleeps They are in the grass that is weeping They are in the whimpering rocks They are in the forest They are not dead Thread 1

Burials on Private Land

I conducted my second ever burial on private land yesterday... and lovely it was, too. As at the first occasion, I was required to sign a green form of burial, saying that I had performed the burial and saying who I represented (I said the BHA). The FD was in a bit of a hurry but told me it was for the registrar’s office. I



thought newer celebrants might like to know that this happens but I’m also interested to know who signs it if the burial is in a cemetery or woodland burial site? Is there an equivalent for cremation? Alison Orchard Who digs the grave and fills it in on private land? Legally, were you conducting the burial, or conducting the ceremony for the burial? By signing the form, I wondered if you were taking on any responsibility for who was in the coffin?(I read too many horror books!), but I presume the FD has that responsibility? Thank you for the information - It’s all interesting stuff! Lorraine Barrett I am required to sign a book for each burial I conduct in Braintree and Bocking Cemeteries which are owned by the local authority. I’m not required to do likewise in cemetaries owned by neighbouring local authorities. Linda Morgan Like Linda, I have found there is one cemetery - Panteg near Pontypool, in my case - which requires a book to be signed. As it is municipal, the first time I officiated there, I was asked if I wanted to consecrate the grave before proceeding! I have never been asked to sign anything in respect of burials on private land, and I wonder if that is because the land was in a large garden or farmland belonging to the deceased’s family, rather than someone else’s. The Natural Death Handbook may hold clues - let’s hope the Natural Death Centre are able to keep going to answer such queries. Richard Paterson Thread 2

Interment of Ashes

I’ve been asked to do an interment of ashes ceremony for someone whose funeral I did. I’ve not done this before and so didn’t know what price to quote. The FD said it was just a 5 minute job ... just a prayer?! I said I would have to ask a colleague but she pushed me to quote so I said half fee plus expenses ... she was a bit fed up about that as she said the vicar only charges 40 quid ... ? This made me feel a little disgruntled and I stuck to my quote. Have I charged too much? Julie Robinson That sounds really reasonable to me, Julie. I charged double that a couple of years ago (but did have some considerable mileage and did do a second visit) Alison Orchard I think the same principles as we worked on in our thinking about pre-planning funerals ought to apply here. I’ve charged £30 for one in which I did not do much other than two summary paragraphs for someone I’d already done all the research on and the funeral for. But on the day, by the time I’d written a short ceremony, got there, spent time talking to the family and done the ceremony it was another half day’s work, so I thought I’d probably short-changed myself. So now, I ask for full fee if I’ve not done the original funeral and one third to one half seems reasonable if the background research is already done. I’d be interested to know what others charge around the country so that CMC can think about how we produce some guidelines on this... Gill Herbert Julie - I am sending you a copy of one I did - I charged £30 as it was quite close to home and I had done the funeral - it only required a couple of paragraphs. However when I did it was my first one and I would have welcomed some guidance on what was reasonable. Interesting that the vicar charges £40. I shall bear that in mind next time! Ros Curtis



Recently I was asked to do an interment of ashes in Kent. I quoted £150 fee to include travelling expenses. The FD said they would get back to me. They did a couple of hours later and I was booked. I visited the family just as I would do for a funeral. We talked about the deceased etc. The family had had a ‘humanist’ cremation in York. We discussed how they would like the interment to work. They had not been given the opportunity to make personal contributions to the service in York so were pleased when they could do this at the interment of the ashes. Before the ceremony I checked with the FD and was informed that everything was down to me – the FD would not be present. On the day I collected the ashes from the FD, organised the mourners parking and then gave the deceased’s wife and daughter a quick lesson on lowering the urn before starting the service. After the service I located the grave digger to let him know the service was over. Visiting the family, writing the script, delivering the service, plus the ‘extras’ involved me in just as much work as a cremation or burial so I was pleased that I had quoted my usual fee. Ps. I couldn’t find the York celebrant on the BHA (the family thought they could recall the first name of the celebrant) website so I guess she was not one of us? When the York celebrant telephoned the family they were expecting her to make arrangements for a home visit. The York celebrant said that was not necessary and launched into a question an answer session which the family were not prepared for. The family said the service was ok. They were not given nor offered a copy of the ceremony. Seems there are ‘other humanists’ in York? Having just spoken to Julie she confirmed that the ‘York’ celebrant lives 50 miles away from York, is ex-BHA, but regularly operates in the York area Tim Chicken I was surprised to see two celebrants on this thread talking in terms of just doing ’a couple of paragraphs’. Even with the scenario where I’ve done the full funeral ceremony at the crem beforehand - I’ve always written up and prepared at least three pages of script for the ashes ceremony (And included a short silence for reflection, at least one reading or poem, and previously invited a poem from a relative or friend). Ray Marsh Mine was only brief as that was specifically requested by the wife of the deceased. Rosalind Curtis I look upon an interment of ashes as a ceremony like any other, so at the same price. I was once contacted by the family of a person I had conducted a ceremony for at the crem and they turned me down when I quoted a price for the interment - they had expected the cost to be about £40 which wouldn’t have covered my expenses of 38 miles travel (times 2 to see the family again) and 2 hours of my time, let alone the time for producing a script and my visit (which was necessary because the dead man’s children would be there and wanted to be involved) They went ahead and did a ceremony themselves. Linda Morgan Thread 2 Continued Guidance please on how much to charge to inter ashes at a cemetery. I haven’t done one for a while hence the query. Thanks all Tina Pritchard I’ve done this only three or four times ever, each has been near home and I have spoken only briefly - so I have made no extra charge. Sorry, Tina, that’s not exactly helpful... Richard Paterson I have discussed this with the FD this morning and agreed a sum to cover my petrol costs as it is almost 50 miles round trip for me, The FD seemed quite happy with this. Tina Pritchard



I have done two of these in my nearly two years as a funeral celebrant and I didn’t charge either because they were local to me. Had they been a distance away, as in your case, Tina, I think it more than fair to cover your travelling costs. Pam Burn I must be greedy, as I have charged £20, I think it was, for interring ashes. I felt that it was a separate ceremony (see new thread on Split Ceremonies) several weeks after the funeral, therefore time put aside for that, travelling, some thought on what more to say. Whereas a burial after a ceremony indoors nearby seemed to be the same event, so I didn’t charge extra. Sue Willson As I live in a rural area interring ashes usually involves driving 20 -40 miles and takes a sizable chunk of time out of a morning/afternoon. I charge £40 and think that this is not at all unreasonable for and at least a couple of hours of a professional persons time and their travelling expenses. (This morning a electrician who lives around the corner charged me £30 for a job that took him less than 10 mins) If we wish to be considered professional people we must behave like professional people. If we act like well meaning amateurs people will treat us as such. Vanessa Dennis It’s useful to get a range of views so thanks everyone. I would however prefer a consistent approach as I do think we look amateurish, as Vanessa has said, when we are inconsistent, and FD’s certainly pick up on differentials amongst officiants. Perhaps guidance from above is required!!!! Tina Pritchard We ought to apply the same logic to this as we agreed in the paper we circulated on planning funerals with people. Extra work done should carry an extra fee, reflecting the nature of the job and the time taken. If agreed as part of a whole package and no real additional work is done other than an extra hour you may wish not to charge, but the ones I have done where I need to write a new and additional script and take time to do a full burial ceremony for the interment I’ve charged £30. I’ll put it on the list for CMC to try to work up some sensible guidance on this so we have some consistency but flexibility that makes sense. Gill Herbert

SCATTER MY ASHES!

Scatter my ashes! Let them be free to the air, Soaked in the sunlight and rain, Scatter with never a care Whether you find them again. Let them be grey in the dawn, Bright if the noontime be bright, And when night's curtain is drawn Starry and dark with the night. Let the birds find them and take Lime for their nests, and the beast Nibbling the grizzled grass, make Merry with salt to his feast. Scatter my ashes! Hereby I make it a trust; I in no grave be confined, Mingle my dust with the dust, Give me in fee to the wind! By John Galsworthy



Take me to some high place of heather, rock and ling,

Scatter my dust and ashes, feed me to the wind, So that I will be part of the curlew’s cry and the soaring hawk, The blue milkwort and the sundew hung with diamonds; I’ll be riding the gentle wind that flows through your hair, Reminding you how we shared in the joy of living. Ewen MacColl So, take me to some special place of rock pools, sand and sea, Scatter my dust and ashes, feed me to the wind and the ocean So I will be part of the seagull’s cry and the roaring sea, The blue sea breakers and the sky hung with diamonds. I’ll be riding the gentle wind that blows through your hair, Reminding you of how we shared in the joy of living. Adapted from the song The Joy of Living by Ewan MacColl

Thread 3

Interment - words for a child audience

Next week I am to do an ashes interment for a man who committed suicide aged 36. What makes it unusual is that the whole purpose of the ceremony is as a goodbye for his children (who are not coming to the funeral the previous day) aged 4, 2.5 and 10 weeks. We will need to have lots of action and symbolic acts, I think, and we are definitely going to let some balloons go. Does anyone have anything similar in child-friendly language? Readings? Ideas? Alison Orchard I found this link to be very helpful in understanding how to talk to children about death and in particular, the last link piece about how to explain cremation to a small person. http://life.familyeducation.com/death-and-loss/communication/41380.html I recall vividly being given the full explanation of cremation in the context of a friend of my grandmother’s when I was very small. I was appalled and had nightmares for weeks that I was sliding into a furnace! Sorry this doesn’t help with your specific question Alison, but I thought it a useful link for doing funerals when little ones are involved. I’ll now think about the readings part. They are such very little people aren’t they? Poor little sausages to lose their father so young. Pam Burn I have sent you an article to you via email. It is titled ’Explaining Death To A Child’. If anyone else wants a copy send me an email (address below). I think getting the older ones to write or draw, bring a pebble or a flower will help. A very short extract from the Little Prince may also be appropriate. [email protected] I am getting some fantastic help from Winston’s Wish. Thanks, too, for the helpful leaflet and suggestions. Please keep any ideas coming.... Alison Orchard



13. Humorous

Our Father which art in Hendon.

Holloway be thy name. Thy Kingston come, Thy Wimbledon. In Erith, as it was in Hendon Give us this day our Maidenhead, And forgive us our Bypasses as we Forgive them that Bypass against us Lead us not into Thames Ditton, But deliver us from Esher. Thyne is in Kingston, Purley and Crawley For Iver and Iver, Crouchend. Ian Dury

14. Feelings

Grief "I would say to those who mourn - and I can only speak from my own experience - look upon each day that comes, as a challenge, as a test of courage. The pain will come in waves, some days worse than others, for no apparent reason. Accept the pain. Do not suppress it. Never attempt to hide grief from yourself. Little by little... the bereaved, the widowed, will find new strength, new vision, born of the very pain and loneliness which seem at first impossible to master."

Larger than life characters

A popular, colourful local character. Combination of Dell-boy Trotter and Arthur Daley and a bit of a scallywag, spent his life doing a bit of this and a bit of that and staying a couple of paces ahead of the taxman. Any suggestions for suitable poems, please?

Corners of the Curving Sky

Our earth is round, and, among other things, That means that you and I can hold Completely different Points of view and both be right. The difference of our positions will show Stars in your window I cannot even imagine. Your sky may burn with light, While mine, at the same moment, Spreads beautiful to darkness. Still, we must choose how we separately corner The circling universe of our experience. Once chosen, our cornering will determine



The message of any star and darkness we encounter. Gwendolyn Brooks

The Parting Glass

Oh all the time that e’er I spent, I spent it in good company; And any harm that e’er I’ve done, I trust it was to none but me; May those I’ve loved through all the years Have memories now they’ll e’er recall; So fill to me the parting glass, Goodnight, and joy be with you all. Oh all the comrades that e’er I had, Are sorry for my going away; And all the loved ones that e’er I had Would wish me one more day to stay. But since it falls unto my lot That I should leave and you should not, I’ll gently rise and I’ll softly call Goodnight, and joy be with you all. Of all good times that e’er we shared, I leave to you fond memory; And for all the friendship that e’er we had I ask you to remember me; And when you sit and stories tell, I’ll be with you and help recall; So fill to me the parting glass, May peace and joy be with you all. Traditional Irish Song

Not how did he die, but how did he live.

Not what did he gain, but what did he give. These are the units to measure the worth Of a man as a man regardless of birth. Not what was his church or what was w his creed, But had he ever befriended those really in need But was he ever ready with a word of good cheer To bring back a smile to banish a tear, Not what did the sketch in the newspaper say, But how many were sorry when he passed away. Anon

Be Not Too Hard

Be not too hard for life is short And nothing is given to man; Be not too hard when he is sold and bought



For he must manage as best he can; Be not too hard when he gladly dies Defending things he does not own; Be not too hard when he tells lies And if his heart is sometimes like a stone Be not too hard - for soon he dies, Often no wiser than he began; Be not too hard for life is short And nothing is given to man. Christopher Logue

15. Parting

Memory

I give you this one thought to keep

I am with you still, I do not sleep. I am a thousand winds that blow I am the softly falling snow I am the sunlight on ripened grain I am the gentle autumn rain. When you wake in the morning’s hush I am the swift uplifting rush Of quiet birds in circled flight I am soft stars that shine at night. No, do not think of me as gone I am with you still - in each new dawn. Mary E. Frye (formerly attributed to Native American sources).

17. Miscellaneous

Flight

Impressions Of A Pilot

Flight is freedom in its purest form, To dance with the clouds which follow a storm; To roll and glide, to wheel and spin, To feel the joy that swells within; To leave the earth with its troubles and fly, And know the warmth of a clear spring sky; Then back to earth at the end of a day, Released from the tensions which melted away. Should my end come while I am in flight, Whether brightest day or darkest night; Spare me your pity and shrug off the pain, Secure in the knowledge that I’d do it again; For each of us is created to die, And within me I know, I was born to fly. Gary Claud Stokor



Trains

Night Mail

This is the Night Mail crossing the border, Bringing the cheque and the postal order, Letters for the rich, letters for the poor, The shop at the corner and the girl next door. Pulling up Beattock, a steady climb: The gradient’s against her, but she’s on time. Thro’ sparse counties she rampages, Her driver’s eye upon the gauges. Panting up past lonely farms Fed by the fireman’s restless arms. Striding forward along the rails Thro’ southern uplands with northern mails. Winding up the valley to the watershed, Thro’ the heather and the weather and the dawn overhead. Past cotton-grass and moorland boulder Shovelling white steam over her shoulder, Snorting noisily as she passes Silent miles of wind-bent grasses. Birds turn their heads as she approaches, Stare from the bushes at her blank-faced coaches. Sheepdogs cannot turn her course; They slumber on with paws across. In the farm she passes no one wakes, But a jug in the bedroom gently shakes. Dawn freshens, the climb is done. Down towards Glasgow she descends Towards the steam tugs yelping down the glade of cranes, Towards the fields of apparatus, the furnaces Set on the dark plain like gigantic chessmen. All Scotland waits for her: In the dark glens, beside the pale-green sea lochs Men long for news. Letters of thanks, letters from banks, Letters of joy from the girl and the boy, Receipted bills and invitations To inspect new stock or visit relations, And applications for situations And timid lovers’ declarations And gossip, gossip from all the nations, News circumstantial, news financial, Letters with holiday snaps to enlarge in, Letters with faces scrawled in the margin, Letters from uncles, cousins, and aunts,



Letters to Scotland from the South of France, Letters of condolence to Highlands and Lowlands Notes from overseas to Hebrides Written on paper of every hue, The pink, the violet, the white and the blue, The chatty, the catty, the boring, adoring, The cold and official and the heart’s outpouring, Clever, stupid, short and long, The typed and the printed and the spelt all wrong. Thousands are still asleep Dreaming of terrifying monsters, Or of friendly tea beside the band at Cranston’s or Crawford’s: Asleep in working Glasgow, asleep in well-set Edinburgh, Asleep in granite Aberdeen, They continue their dreams, And shall wake soon and long for letters, And none will hear the postman’s knock Without a quickening of the heart, For who can bear to feel himself forgotten? W.H.Auden There is a selection of train poems at this link http://entertainment.timesonline.co.uk/tol/arts_and_entertainment/books/poetry/article2264966.ece

The Express

After the first powerful, plain manifesto The black statement of pistons, without more fuss But gliding like a queen, she leaves the station. Without bowing and with restrained unconcern She passes the houses which humbly crowd outside, The gasworks, and at last the heavy page Of death, printed by gravestones in the cemetery. Beyond the town, there lies the open country Where, gathering speed, she acquires mystery, The luminous self-possession of ships on ocean. It is now she begins to sing - at first quite low Then loud, and at last with a jazzy madness - The song of her whistle screaming at curves, Of deafening tunnels, brakes, innumerable bolts. And always light, aerial, underneath, Retreats the elate metre of her wheels. Steaming through metal landscape on her lines, She plunges new eras of wild happiness, Where speed throws up strange shapes, broad curves And parallels clean like trajectories from guns. At last, further than Edinburgh or Rome, Beyond the crest of the world, she reaches night Where only a low stream-line brightness Of phosphorus on the tossing hills is light. Ah, like a comet through flame, she moves entranced

http://entertainment.timesonline.co.uk/tol/arts_and_entertainment/books/poetry/article2264966.ece



Wrap’t in her music no bird song, nor, nor bough Breaking with honey buds, shall ever equal. By Stephen Spender

Organ donation

Give my sight to the one who has never seen a sunrise, a baby’s face or the eyes of a lover. Give my heart to one whose own heart has caused nothing but endless days of pain. Give my blood to the teenager pulled from the wreckage of his car, so that he might live to see his grandchildren play. Give my kidneys to one who depends on a machine to exist from week to week. Take my bones, every muscle, every fibre and nerve in my body and find a way to make a crippled child walk. Explore every corner of my brain. Take my cells, let them grow so that, someday the speechless or deaf will shout with joy or hear the sound of rain. Burn what is left of me. Scatter the ashes to the winds to help the flowers grow. If you must bury something, let it be my faults, my weakness and all prejudice against my fellow man. If, by chance, you wish to remember me, do it with a kind deed or word to someone who needs you. If you do all I have asked, I will live forever. Robert Test

18. Advice and discussion from colleagues

Difficult funerals Thread 1

Downs Syndrome

Next Thursday I will be officiating at a funeral for a 56 yr old lady who had Down Syndrome. She loved music, dancing and dressing up. Has anyone done a similar funeral, I would be grateful to see any scripts, or readings that would be appropriate? (Poems have already been chosen by the family). Her Uncle has requested that Happiness by Ken Dodd is played during the reflection and he will lead the singing as this was one of her favourite songs. The song does have some religious reference but I will not be joining in with the singing and will say it was the family’s choice. My e mail address is [email protected]. Thanks Wendy Weavin



Perhaps the best approach is to concentrate on the lady’s personality as you usually would. Maybe the best reference to her Down’s Syndrome, if you think it appropriate, is to say how relatively long she lived - in the past I seem to think that the life expectancy was much shorter. Sue Willson I have conducted a funeral ceremony for a similar aged woman who was far more handicapped (she never spoke and only walked with help) and have also conducted a funeral ceremony for a baby who had learning disabled parents. Neither are therefore very helpful but one learning point from them that I can offer you is to remember that many of your audience will also be learning disabled and to keep your words simple and straight forward. Alison Orchard Wendy - I have a 24 year old niece with Downs Syndrome who lives in a wonderful place with other folk who share similar disabilities. I would agree with Alison that you should choose your words with some care as they will not always understand anything too complex - my niece would not and neither would many of her friends I have met. I think it’s also important not to focus too much on the disability issue, though of course any achievements will be much more important (my niece is a terrific swimmer and if she wasn’t registered blind with hearing problems, could probably have made a major squad!) Nowadays folk with Downs live longer and more fulfilled lives than they did even in the fairly recent past you should have a good life history to talk about. It will be a challenge to do this ceremony and I am sure you will do a great job. Pam Burn My first funeral as a probationary celebrant (I’ve now done three) was for a 35year old woman with Downs Syndrome. She and her parents were very artistic and the theme of the funeral was butterflies which she loved and had them everywhere and the colour theme was purple and pink so we all wore those colours. To be honest, I just talked about her in the same way I would anyone else and her disability was just mentioned in the context of when she was born - she was a lovely woman who was known by so many people and whilst there were friends there from the day centre they attended, there were just as many nurses and therapists there who loved her so much - all in uniform. Even her old headmaster turned up. Her parents wanted an upbeat celebratory tone to the ceremony as they had been told she would not survive her childhood because of her heart problems so they felt that 35 years were a bonus. I will email you my script. Lorraine Barrett Thank you for your responses, i am keeping the wording fairly simple and not going into thoughts on life and death etc. I will focus on her life and her achievements. I am looking forward to this one - its a bit of a challenge! Wendy Weavin Thread 2

Wrongly convicted

Does anyone please have any ideas for readings/poems for the funeral of a man who was wrongly convicted of a double murder in 1976 at age 52, served 18 years, and then exonerated and compensated, now died age 83? No angel, he was fitted up. The case dominated the lives of him and his family for 32 years. Duncan Campell (Time Out then Guardian) campaigned on the case throughout and will speak. Any thoughts gratefully received. John Valentine Largely it depends on the state of mind of the family and also perhaps how accessible they might find poetry - and how positive are they if at all! How about ’If’ though it is a bit trite it does speak powerfully to many people. Also The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost.

Or



Tears, idle tears, I know not what they mean,

Tears from the depth of some divine despair Rise in the heart, and gather to the eyes, In looking on the happy Autumn-fields, And thinking of the days that are no more. Fresh as the first beam glittering on a sail, That brings our friends up from the underworld, Sad as the last which reddens over one That sinks with all we love below the verge; So sad, so fresh, the days that are no more. Ah, sad and strange as in dark summer dawns The earliest pipe of half-awakened birds To dying ears, when unto dying eyes The casement slowly grows a glimmering square; So sad, so strange, the days that are no more. Dear as remembered kisses after death, And sweet as those by hopeless fancy feigned On lips that are for others; deep as love, Deep as first love, and wild with all regret; O Death in Life, the days that are no more! Tennyson or

Death, rock me asleep,

Bring me to quiet rest, Let pass my weary guiltless ghost Out of my careful breast. Toll on, thou passing bell; Ring out my doleful knell; Let thy sound my death tell. Death doth draw nigh; There is no remedy. My pains who can express? Alas, they are so strong; My dolour will not suffer strength My life for to prolong. Toll on, thou passing bell; Ring out my doleful knell; Let thy sound my death tell. Death doth draw nigh; There is no remedy. Alone in prison strong I wait my destiny. Woe worth this cruel hap that I Should taste this misery! Toll on, thou passing bell; Ring out my doleful knell; Let thy sound my death tell.



Death doth draw nigh; There is no remedy. Farewell, my pleasures past, Welcome, my present pain! I feel my torments so increase That life cannot remain. Cease now, thou passing bell; Rung is my doleful knell; For the sound my death doth tell. Death doth draw nigh; There is no remedy. Anne Boleyn (Though maybe a bit gloomy and too long) or

Forget not yet the tried intent

Of such a truth as I have meant My great travail so gladly spent Forget not yet. Forget not yet when first began The weary life ye knew, since when The suit, the service, none tell can, Forget not yet. Forget not yet the great assays, The cruel wrongs, the scornful ways, The painful patience in denays Forget not yet. Forget not yet, forget not this, How long ago hath been, and is, The mind that never means amiss; Forget not yet. Forget not yet thine own approved, The which so long hath thee so loved, Whose steadfast faith yet never moved, Forget not this. Thomas Wyatt. Hope you can find something! Ros Curtis What a difficult situation. This may perhaps be useful:



Life Must Go On

Grieve for me, for I would grieve for you. Then brush away the sorrow and the tears Life is not over, but begins anew, with courage you must greet the coming years. To live forever in the past is wrong; It can only cause you misery and pain. Dwell not on memories overlong, with others you must share and care again. Reach out and comfort those who comfort you; recall the years, but only for a while. Nurse not your loneliness; but live again. Forget not. Remember with a smile. Anon Sue Willson Thanks for your help. Used second verse of David Lott’s poem at committal. Must pass on a Duncan Campbell story - true, but not actually our man. An armed robber is casing a bank from the library opposite, and pulling out the odd book to read while he notes comings and goings across the road. One is a book of Christina Rossetti poems, which he likes, and so he scribbles a note to himself ’C Rossetti’, puts it in his pocket, and goes to do the job. Which fails, he is arrested and searched. The police spend several fruitless days trying to track down this accomplice called C Rossetti, and at the trial, just before handing down a 10 year sentence, the judge reads ’Remember me when I am gone/Gone far away into the distant land....’ Everyone laughed. Cultured lot, our London villains. John Valentine

Thread 3

Vegetative State

I have a funeral for someone who was brain damaged as a 6month old baby leaving her in a vegetative state till her death, last week, 41 years later. In that time she has been institutionalised only getting occasional visits from her parents. They are relieved and guilty for being relieved and see no positives but many negatives in their daughter’s life and existence since her damage. Has anyone any ideas? Bill Dawson Bill - I have not done a funeral quite like this but I did go to the funeral of the child of some friends in a similar position and the tack the officiant - whose name I cannot now recall - took was to deal with the way the parents felt by giving voice to their feelings; the words were something like this "I expect that you are mourning, not only for the life that was, but also for the life that might have been and perhaps the life that should have been. You are probably all bringing a mixture of uncomfortable and complex emotions with you today. Maybe you are feeling mystified, guilty, cheated, angry and regretful as well as sad. "As for your feelings when someone dies there is no norm; people should not feel there is a pattern to follow. Anger, bitterness, frustration, failure are every bit as valid as courage, hope and love. Survival is the important thing."



He went on to talk about the fact that the young man had not experienced what we would have expected - marriage, children, work and independence etc etc (obviously there was more than this and you’d need to adapt it) but that he had also not experienced the bad things of life - disappointment sadness, anger, betrayal and so on. His life had been limited to what seems to us as a vegetative state but that that could also be seen as a pure state with none of the distractions of the body - something those who meditate aspire to achieve. At the end of the day he simply was. And now is not. It is as uncomplicated as that. I wonder if the David Lott poem would do? It might need a bit of judicious editing but the sentiment seems about right - It is elsewhere on this forum but here it is again in case you have no time! What a useful piece it is! Good luck! Ros Curtis Bill; I had a (slightly) similar situation some years ago (although with a severely educationally sub-normal adult; rather than brain damaged). Without knowing what she was like it’s difficult to be specific. With mine I’d spent a lot of time working around things like how dedicated his carers had been and so-forth but it all started to sound a bit patronising so I decided to empower the man who died. He was completely (verbally) uncommunicative, aggressive, at times violent and had a habit of dropping his trousers when taken out for trips to public places. So I went along the line that although he couldn’t speak he quickly and effectively trained his carers about what he did & didn’t like to eat … usually by throwing the plate at them. He efficiently taught them about what he would and wouldn’t tolerate … usually by biting them. He let everybody know what he wanted to wear ... by tearing the clothes he didn’t like. And he left people in no doubt if he fancied a young lady on the street … by exposing himself. And so on…. Basically I listed all his ‘difficult & challenging’ behaviour and re-packaged them as teaching aids he has gifted to his carers because once they’d worked out how to manage him they would probably be confident about managing anybody. He was a notorious character in the care home and the surrounding shops and we ended with the Gloria Gaynor song ‘I am what I am’ … went down a storm! I’ve been trying to dig the ceremony out … haven’t found it yet but if I do I’ll e-mail it to you. When is the ceremony? Ian Abbott

Thread 4

Topical References

At the funeral of a retired police officer who had been on duty at the temporary morgue set up after the Aberfan disaster, I couldn’t resist pointing out that communities in Burma and China are even now experiencing their own Aberfan, and we should remember them. This was favourably received, judging by comments made afterwards, and is the sort of thing I have occasionally done, though not for the sake of it. I feel that it is not inappropriate for us to connect ceremonies with contemporary issues in this way. I’d be interested to know what others think Richard Paterson I agree wholeheartedly with the idea of topical references in ceremonies. If the idea is to make the ceremony relevant to the person we’re talking about then if they thought, or did something pertinent to current affairs why shouldn’t it be included? Some people have strong political views (a large proportion of families I come across are strongly socialist … I wonder if that is echoed across the rest of the country); some have campaigned for a particular cause and some (below) have justifiable reasons to feel strongly about issues. I was asked to include this in a recent ceremony:- "There is something xxxx said about his illness that I’ve been asked to share with you. Parkinson’s is like being locked in your own body; when your mind is still there. You can become rigid as a plank, your legs won’t bend. It’s as though there is a ton of cement on your chest and an army of ants crawling up and



down your body with spears … It’s like being buried alive! It is particularly relevant to remind ourselves of this at a time when some people are resisting advances in human embryology which, if successful, may well condemn future generations to suffer a similar fate … why would anyone choose that?" … and I was very happy to do so. Ian Abbott I agree completely Richard. Where it is relevant to the deceased person or their immediate family, I will often include a topical reference such as you describe. I would be uncomfortable to go as far as Ian though with a subject such as hybrid embryo research or some similarly contentious subject. Whilst I am a keen supporter of the research and wish that people would read the science behind it properly before condemning it, I wouldn’t want to upset or offend those who might have strong feelings in the other direction whilst I was taking a funeral. For me personally it would be the wrong time and place. About the socialism issue Ian, it is not something I have noticed in my area (Home Counties). I have done some funerals for people who were clearly socialist in their political leanings but I have done just as many for people who quite definitely were not! BTW and FWIW, I myself am totally and completely apolitical. I spent much of my working life dealing with politicians of all hues and colours and words cannot express how happy I am not to have to do that anymore! :) Pam Burn Apropos the preponderance of socialist clients (if client is the right word?!) I suspect it has to do with whether you get a lot of work from the co-op. I sometimes do funerals for elderly people who have specifically chosen the co-op because of a history of labour Party membership and at the same time opt for a humanist service as a rejection of religion - these two I believe often went together. Ros Curtis I don’t know how aware people are of the recent ruling by the Monopolies Commission re the Co-op who have as a consequence sold off many of there funeral parlours to an independent conglomerate. Locally this means nearly all the "Co-op" outlets are now run by a different organisation. Joe public seems blissfully unaware of this - not sure what it does for the double divi entitlement but it does mean we need to be linking up with other key players in our local links with f.d.s. I agree that the mind-set of most of our customers seems not to take much note of such global financial influences....and often ignores or is disinterested in political issues as well. Gill Herbert Re the Co-op. Co-operative Funerals de-recognised GMB union last year. GMB called for union members to stop trading with Co-op Funerals until Co-op change their decision. Best wishes to all, Eleanor Davidson

Thread 5

Committal involvement

I did a funeral yesterday for an 18 year old lad who died in tragic circumstances. There were over 300 people at Crem mostly teenagers. A strange thing happened as the reflection music was being played two young girls got up from their seats and went and stood by the coffin. The family requested that the curtains were not closed. When the music finished playing i waited a little while for the girls to go back to their seats but this did not happen. I carried on with the committal with the two girls still by the coffin. I felt uncomfortable with this and wondered if it was



disrespectful to the family for me to continue and whether i should have asked the girls to sit back down? I did not speak to the family after the ceremony as they were bereft with grief and surrounded by family/friends trying to comfort them. I asked the FD to say goodbye to them on my behalf and i will be sending them a card to explain and wish them all the best for the future. Has anyone else had a similar experience and was i right to carry on with the committal. If the curtains were being closed i think i would have had to ask them to sit down. Wendy Weavin I think you were quite right. I think you must not worry. Funerals are human occasions and sometimes take on an organic life of their own. Bobby Mill The nearest I have come to that kind of situation was when someone got up from their seat , moved forward and patted the coffin goodbye during the reflection. I almost shouted "No" but then realized that it was just their way of paying their final respects. I always explain in detail to the family what happens, reflection, committal words etc. Even so I guess that it may not have sunk in with your family. Another approach when the coffin is left in view is to put the committal words right at the very end so that after you speak them you simply walk out, marking the end of the ceremony. Whatever we plan for always expect the unexpected. Roland Pascoe

Difficult families

Thread 1 What do you do when you have a widow who was married to a 57 year old for 10 years telling you one thing about her husband, while the rest of the family contact you and give you a completely different story? Is my duty to the widow or the truth? She knew very little about the rest of his life. He had told her that he had been married before but nothing else and she knew nothing about the 5 children (and 5 grandchildren) who had been estranged from him. They are all coming to the funeral as well! Rosalind Curtis I would approach it this way: Contact both sides of the family, passing on the others observations and instructions and ask which side is to be presented. If there is no consensus, and there are no other alternative information sources, then I would write a fairly bland script with considerable ceremony, no tribute, a simple committal at the end and I would make this plain to all factions. From what you say there is no way of judging who is telling the truth and if you get it wrong, (or even right!), you could open yourself to criticism...... or worse. Best of luck with this. Howard Palmer

In a rather similar situation, where drug use was involved but not acknowledged by one side, I suggested that two separate ceremonies might be a solution. That made them co-operate with each other rather rapidly! It sounds harsh, perhaps, but I hope was not, and seemed to clear the air. Sue Willson

In a similar-ish situation once (in which a man’s first family knew him as a criminal and a prisoner but his second family didn’t), I said something like ’X was a complex, multi-faceted person and changed through his life, and so it is that you all have very different impressions and memories of him.’ and I then went on to say how he had seemed to each of them. In that way they each had a voice and I could avoid a decision which was the true person. Alison Orchard The big problem for me in one ceremony was that the son from the second family did not know about his Dad’s criminal past so I had to do it all without revealing the secret! ... and adding to the excellent advice from colleagues, I would suggest that you must bear in mind who is the Client, and therefore paying the bill, so must have the final say about content and style. Linda Morgan



Linda has raised the most important point in all this - we must always remind ourselves that we (and the FD) are instructed and paid by the client. Our own private views as to who is entitled to influence the ceremony content are beside the point. The children and grandchildren may well be attending on the day, but that (rightly or wrongly) does not give them the right to have an input - unless the client agrees. Using the kind of phrases that Alison posted is always a good compromise. I always think that in these situations there are bits of the ceremony where we have to be like the politicians and talk a fair bit without actually saying anything! Ray Marsh

These situations invariably result in somebody’s toes being trodden on even if we do our best to try and keep everyone happy. I took on a funeral (not the one above) where the body had been left unclaimed by the family for over 2 months . No family members wanted to organise the funeral and eventually the deceased’s son was contacted and he agreed to take on the task. There had been a big falling out in the family and at my meeting with the son, I asked if there were any members of the family I could talk to about his dad’s early life. He promptly phoned his mum (ex wife) which was useful and his fathers sister who didn’t have much to say that was positive and who was quite angry at her brother for causing the rift in the family (in her eyes). No other family members wanted to talk to me or send me anything by email. In the script I made what I could of the deceased’s early life but the majority of the tribute came from the son, who had spent his teenage years living with his dad. The funeral went swimmingly (or so I thought) Son very pleased, much shaking of hands and lovely comments. I breathed a sigh of relief and thought that was the end of it. The next morning however, I took a call from sister of deceased saying that she was unhappy that there had been so much about son and so little about the family. My attempt to (through gritted teeth) explain that family members were given the opportunity to contribute if they wished and that son was the primary point of contact, fell on deaf ears. I thought about it for a while, wondered if I could have approached it in a different way, decided not, and put it down to experience. One sour comment amongst all the lovely positive words that have been expressed over the years does jar, but perhaps an incident like this helps to stop us from slipping into complacency... Tina Pritchard A while ago I did a ceremony for a man of 60 who had had two wives and a mistress who had been around through both marriages. All three wanted their say, they hated each other and the two wives hated the mistress more than each other. One had promised to scratch her eyes out if she showed up. Needless to say, all three turned up and muttered hatred in their various corners. The only thing I could think to do was to take each one aside and say confidentially, ’I know it’s very difficult for you today but at least YOU are a civilised person and know how to keep your dignity. If there is any trouble, let it be one of the others that start it, that way you will be winning.’ or words to that effect. To my utter astonishment it worked. I said in the ceremony that he was a man who had the ability to attract women easily and sometimes used that ability unwisely causing hurt to others however unintentionally. They all seemed to think I meant the others had been hurt and even spoke civilly to each other on the flower terrace. Christine Riley Moger

Family meetings

Visits on the Phone

Any advice? - apart from ’never do it". I am not at all keen but the family is in Torquay and the funeral in North London.. Maybe we could consider jobsharing in situations like this. Christine Gowridge If you give me your email address, I’ll send you a proforma (which I adapted from one that Peter Herridge wrote) for sending to families by email or snail mail in just such a case. I used it only last week to make an arrangement with a couple (who I married 5 years ago) from West London! Alison Orchard



See identical thread - but, Alison, I’d like a copy of that proforma. please. How would you/Peter feel about it being made generally available to us? Richard Paterson Did one for Cornwall last week in Birmingham. V. hairy without face to face contact. When they arrived they told me that some members of the family wished to say a few words. As you would expect they were in tears and there was no funeral after me but one went on for nearly ten minutes, boy did I sweat. Martin Fowkes I’ve only done four without a meeting and two of those were with relatives abroad. Fortunately, all had email and I was able to send them a check list of things I needed to know and instructions on restricting non family contributors to 2 minutes. The list of question set them off and they wrote most of the eulogy themselves so that all I had to do was tweak a word here and there to make it fit my speech pattern. I emailed them a typycal ceremony structure with the advice that they could alter it all if they wished and added a wodge of poems. We met at the crem 30minutes before the start and everyone seemed quite happy with the result. I can’t imagine how we all managed without email! Christine Riley Moger

Humanism

Thread 1

In complete contrast to an earlier thread I started, yesterday I conducted a funeral for a lovely man; a professor and exceptional musician. Following the family visit, I wrote: Leonard was an atheist from his early teenage years. But he was a man of conviction and personal integrity who..... I duly sent it off to his son and it came back with corrections to read: Leonard was an atheist from his early teenage years. Because of that he was a man of conviction and personal integrity who..... I was very uncomfortable about it! I don’t want to be anti-religious and actually don’t believe that atheism can - in itself - lead to an ethical life (..or do I?) I had an interesting chat with the son and we ended up with: Leonard was an atheist from his early teenage years. In part because of that he was a man of conviction and personal integrity who..... I’d be interested in others’ views on it. It was such a privilege to do the funeral. Alison Orchard This might well have been the place to mention Humanism, its ethical dimension, and how it differs from some sorts of atheism. I expect you did that at some other point in the ceremony. Yes, many of our clients are very interesting indeed. Sue Willson Like you Alison, I always seek to tread the path which does not overtly condemn religion in any way - I don’t believe it is part of what humanism means (to me at least) and I certainly don’t think it has any place at a funeral which is likely to be attended by people who have a religious faith and whom I have no wish to offend or upset.



I often read the sometimes virulent anti-religious postings (on the Membership board usually) with utter amazement! Yes, I find many aspects of religion alarming and distasteful - some extremely so - and of course I am not myself a believer and never have been, but humanism for me is meant to be as much about tolerance of others and respect for their views and beliefs as it is about anything. I long for a day when we can all accept that, like the colour of a person’s hair, the matter of faith or belief is a matter for them alone. There are much bigger things in life to be concerned with. Over the nearly three years that I have been doing ceremonies, it seems to me that celebrants are, generally speaking, much more tolerant of religion and religious issues than other humanists - is that because we deal with it in some form or another in our daily work do you think? And thus we realise that accommodations need to be made (and no, I don’t mean by us allowing hymns and suchlike, but just realising that people are what they are and we have to deal with what we find). Interesting subject and it is one of the many reasons I so enjoy being a celebrant - the many, many shades and hues we meet in our clients! Pam Burn Bear in mind I’m only a probationary and haven’t done my first funeral yet but ...... would the son have accepted ’Leonard was an atheist from his early teenage years. He was a man of conviction and personal integrity who..... Lorraine Barrett Alison, I think the problem lay with the word ’But’. It sounded as if you were apologising for his atheism. Geraldine Jones Alison, I agree with Geraldine maybe using "however" rather than "but" may help. Perhaps this is because "but" seems to negate whatever you’ve just said. Apart from that, I recognise that religions, all of them, are human creations & that people create gods in their own image. I cannot deny the truth of someone else’s belief, so for them, their "god" is true, real & personal to them. That sort of mind set is not for me, however if it suits others, that’s ok. I leave you to imagine how complex discussions can become when some one says, "You’re a humanist, oh, so you don’t believe in god!’ Frank Bonner

Crematoria

Thread 1

Curtains

When I do a family interview I always stress how flexible I can be in the sructure and content of the ceremony (except no hymns, prayers or god). I also always explain to the family that they have a choice about whether or not they want the curtain to close at the committal - most go for "closure", but I do feel they should know there is an alternative. However, a couple of FDs disagree and I’m left wondering if what I’m doing is right. Any views? Chris Goodwin Definitely family’s choice. Christine Riley Moger I agree totally with Christine - it’s up to the family. I understand how some feel about the ’closure’ thing but for some folk, they just cannot bear to watch the curtains close and want to say their final farewells as they leave so, subject to time of course, I think that is fine. Pam Burn I nearly always leave them open and invite people up to say a personal goodbye to the deceased in the coffin before they leave - many who have not had a chance to see them in the last days like to do so, and families can use it for a final "group hug". But I do always give them a choice - some do prefer the finality of a closed curtain. If you ask why,



it is often for strange reasons - some of which are myth not reality of what happens at that particular crem. Some F.D.s and crem staff on the other hand want a quick and clean finish, everyone out so they can get off to the next one if possible, so develop other preferences. Given an option, most of the families I work with prefer the leaving open option. Gill Herbert I offer the choice, but almost all families opt for closing. On the rare occasions when the curtains are not closed it is unusual for families to approach the coffin - maybe because the catafalques at most of our local crems, although lowered recently for H & S reasons, are still quite high and forbidding, or distant from the front row of seats. If the curtains are left open, I tend to explain that in tems of signifying that the deceased will in one sense remain with those who loved them. Richard Paterson In Norfolk we have 4 crems and only one does not have any curtains. Having talked to families the idea of leaving the coffin in full view always seems to them quite brutal, almost an abandonment ?, where as the curtains seems softer. At the one crem where there are no curtains , it is also a drop catafalque so the final moments are all the more dramatic/traumatic for some people. Ultimately it is always the families choice but I find that the matter has usually been discussed with the FD before I even arrive on the seen. The practical part of having curtains is that one does telegraph the final moment by having to walk over to button and press it. Even more so when one is facing the coffin and saying the final words of committal to have to flap about with a hand behind one to hit the button. You can of course ask the organist to close the curtains but then you rely on the organist paying attention. I have asked about remote controls but they do not seem to have been thought of. Good lord, we can build a large hadron collider and switch it on without endangering Switzerland but a remote control for a set of curtains appears to beyond human comprehension. Roland Pascoe Don’t go there, Roland! One of our local crems has a remote control to close the curtains round the wall-mounted cross. What progress, we thought. But it is so temperamental - sometimes it works, sometimes not. Maybe this is because neither I nor the attendants pray!! Sue Willson In reply to Roland’s point, no I haven’t come across a remote control for the closure of curtains. However, at my local crem (where the staff are very, very good - perhaps we ought to vote for a TOP TEN of crems?) I provide a cue sheet and the attendant hits the button at the right moment (and I don’t have to have flailing hands). It seems to work very well. Chris Goodwin Some time ago the local crem manager emailed all the "ministers" reminding us that we are allowed 25 minutes for a ceremony and that, if we feel we need longer, it is possible for the family to book a double slot at an additional cost of £50. I, being in such awe of authority (wimp!), do try to keep to the allotted 25 minutes. On Saturday evening I went to an interview to discuss arrangements for a relatively young woman (51) whose husband’s ceremony I’d conducted 3 years ago. There were 8 family members there, all shell-shocked, but all with things to say. I began to realise that, if I was to use everything they gave me, I’d need a double slot. So I tentatively suggested that a double slot might be a good idea, told them that I thought the additional cost would be £50 (I hate discussing money at this time), but that I would have to contact the FD on Monday to check if that 2nd slot was available, and if the additional time would cause a problem with the FD’s planning for the day. I rang the FD today, explained I only need an additional 10 mins. They checked with the crem, booked the slot, but ARE NOT HAPPY - this should have been "sorted" last week! Well, colleagues, has anyone else experienced this dilemma and, more to the point, how do you handle it? (Perhaps I should just let the ceremony over-run and see the FD get fined by the crem - I believe this happens in some places). Phew! Sorry to have gone on, but as you may deduce, it has rattled me.



Chris Goodwin

It’s a difficult one, isn’t it, and reflects a dual commitment that we have to 2 ’clients’: the FD and the family, I suppose. It is something that has been in sharp focus for me this week. I conducted a funeral service yesterday for an ex-professional footballer (with Exeter City - don’t get too excited!) that was attended by 400+ mourners. I overran since it took ages to get everyone in place, we had a music failure which had to be sorted and a faint at the end of the ceremony.. and there was lots to say! The worst thing of all though was that several of the mourners were laughing loudly after the ceremony and disturbing the next one. I am wondering whether it would almost be better - as a matter of course - to have a double slot with a large gathering. In complete contrast, I am doing a ceremony for a 25 year old who tragically died on his stag night and the FDs booked a double slot but, having gone to the family visit, I find that no-one feels able to do their own tribute and the lad didn’t seem to have much in his life except work, alcohol and his fiancee. I shall have to work hard to fill up the time to justify a double slot. I think I would suggest that you don’t rattle the FDs too much, Chris: they are the source of our work. Alison Orchard Some of my local f.d.s will book a double slot provisionally then confirm or not once I have seen the family. It is still rare that they think to do this, but with plenty of encouragement it is possible... discussions after ceremonies which have gone well in their view is a good time to suggest this as an option. Encouraging the crem flexibility to do this of course is another area in which it needs to be double act between yourself and the f.d.s. Gill Herbert My (sometimes workable) solution is to ask the FD the age of deceased at the first phone call and if it’s under 60 suggest that a double slot might be a good idea. They are getting to do it without too much urging now but it can be difficult if times are busy and the family want a particular day. Having said that, last week I did a funeral for a 91yearold and the place was packed to overflowing and I over ran by about seven minutes plus the time it took to get everyone out! I grovelled to the crem staff and they were very nice and understanding, perhaps because I rarely hold them up. The FD said,’Oh, perhaps we should have booked a double slot.’ Can’t win ’em all. Christine Riley Moger The problem is I think that reception staff usually take all the details and never think to offer a double slot. By the time we get to the interview the booking has been made and all the slots taken. I was told once that the FD’s don’t like double slots as it ties up their cars and personnel and cars are loaned between FD’s when times are busy. Really in an ideal world FD’s would consult us first but this is almost impossible. Martin Fowkes

The crematoriums that have used so far are very accommodating and to date I have not had any problems with over running, but what did annoy me at the last funeral I did was that the funeral prior to mine ran over by 20 mins, and it had gone in on time! It was a C of E funeral and I mentioned to the Crem staff that I would try to shorten my ceremony to help them out. They told me not to worry and that they usually caught up by the end of the day! I am sure the FD’s and the vicar conducting the ceremony was not fined, they didn’t seem too bothered or in much of a rush. I felt this was very inconsiderate and an apology to me or the family I represented would have been appropriate? Wendy Weavin This is a big problem when it is invariably after we see the family that we get an indication of much is involved. I have some of the FD’s now trained and they are on alert if it is a relatively young person or they guess there may be quite a few contributors. They will broach the subject when speaking to the family or attempt to get the last slot of the day which allows some overspill. This is rare however and I had a similar situation to yours arise a few weeks ago. It became apparent at the family meeting that 4 or 5 people wanted to speak, and the family were set on 4 pieces of music. Markeaton is one of the most unforgiving crems and the allotted time of 25 mins can be a bit tight. The daughter decided to ring the FD there and then and fortunately we were able to get a double slot. Just as well as it took 10 minutes to get everyone in and longer to get them all out at the end. Martin is right about the car issue



but on this occasion the FD charged the additional hourly rate for the cars as it was the end of the day. By the way, I charged £150 and after a chaotic 2 hour family meeting, writing my own tribute and co-ordinating the other tributes, spending over an hour at the crem on the day+ my travel time I feel I earned every penny !! Tina Pritchard

I had a similar situation recently with a 54 yr old. The odds are, at this age, the deceased has many work and social contacts, and it is likely to be a large attendance. I was concerned, and rang the crem, to see if there was any leeway if needed. Luckily we were first in, and they agreed to open the doors 15 mins early. The widower came in WITH the mourners, and hugged and greeted everyone!! It took 15 mins to get everyone seated, so it would have been impossible if we had not had that extra time. I made sure I rang the crem the next day and thanked them for being so helpful. I shall bear this in mind for future funerals, but as everyone has said, perhaps the FD’s should be more aware. Christina Brand

Thread 2

Lackadaisical staff

I did a funeral this week at one of our local crematoria where the staff (well, one in particular) are sometimes a little lackadaisical. The funeral was the first in the afternoon, and I entered the chapel in good time to prepare it; I moved the cross off the altar & went to leave it behind the curtains next to the catafalque where it is usually put out of the way. I was rather stunned to notice a coffin still sitting on the catafalque. I mentioned this to the said attendant who didn’t seem to know it was there, but said he would deal with it. In the event, it was only moved a minute or so before the funeral party arrived for my ceremony. It would have been dreadful for the family if there had had to be an unseemly scramble to remove the previous coffin before the ceremony could begin. I wasn’t sure, as a newish celebrant what I should have done or said- any suggestions? Liz Lucas Just be on the ball next time you go there I should say, Liz. Geraldine Jones As an aside, I was reading the notes of a liaison meeting at a local crem yesterday and it reported that new legislation will shortly be introduced which means that bodies need not be cremated the same day as the ceremony, as it is at present, but within 24 hours. This means that the ashes may not be available the same day for those families who came from afar. Linda Morgan The problem here is how to tackle an issue like this without seeming to be interfering, and compromising future good relations with the crem staff from whom you may need a favour of some kind one day - this is particularly so if you are a newcomer. I’ve been thinking of a way to tackle this issue constructively, by making a suggestion rather than a complaint, and remembered that, in one crem I use regularly, there are two buttons to be pressed at the committal, one to activate the curtain and one to alert the backroom staff that the coffin can be removed. It might be worth speaking to someone senior to chap you mentioned and offering this as a solution to the problem you noted the other day. If they already have such an arrangement, you can always play dumb in view of the fact that the coffin had been left behind. Just an idea... Richard Paterson

Dedication ceremonies Thread 1

Thanksgiving Service



I’m Patron of the Marie Curie hospice in Penarth and for many years they have held a thanksgiving service in one of the local churches for the families who have lost their loved ones over the past year. It’s been mainly a religious type of occasion with various readings and hymns, but this year they want to make it less religious and more inclusive and less sombre really. They have asked me to do the welcome and ’opening bit’ to set the tone for a more uplifting occasion. It’ll only be about 4 or 5 minutes and I obviously want to get it right. Any thoughts on phrases or a poem I might use?. I’ve got some ideas but would appreciate any input from you to give me some inspiration. Lorraine Barrett I did a similar ’thanksgiving’ at Derian House children’s hospice, Lancashire earlier this year. If you e-mail me, I’m happy to send you the script. [email protected] Carole Truman Like Carole, I did one last year. If you send me an email I’ll send you the script. You are welcome to use any or all of it as you wish. Sometimes it’s good to look at what someone else has done just to get you started. [email protected] Christine Riley Moger I wonder if this quotation might be appropriate - I like it a lot and I use it when speaking to WI groups and the like. "The golden rule of conduct is mutual tolerance, seeing that we will never all think alike and we shall always see truth in fragment and from different angles of vision.” Mohandras Karamchano Gandhi Linda Morgan Thread2

Remembrance Service

I’ve been asked by local children’s hospice to conduct their annual ’forget-me-not’ ceremony of remembrance. I would really appreciate getting to hear about any poems or prose which colleagues feel could be appropriate for this ceremony. I understand that there will be around 200 people there, including parents, children and grandparents and people of different ethnic groups / religious affiliations. Also, as the hospice is a charity, do you think I should charge for conduction the ceremony? Any help / advice would be greatly appreciated. Carole Truman I am sure you will get a lot of thoughts from people on readings and poems and I will do my best to add to those in a while. As to charging, I would definitely NOT charge for this myself. It is excellent PR to be asked to do something like this I think so well done you for being seen as the right person for this job. I am a longtime supporter of the hospice movement and had the very real privilege of working with Dame Cecily Saunders over several years before her death - there is such a close connection between her ideas around the provision of care for the dying and our own philosophy that I think the more we can do to work with and support the hospice movement, the better. I wish you well with this and hope you have a good day, I should add that I know that the hospice movement is often thought of as a Christian organisation as many are indeed funded by Christian bodies, but Dame Cicely, though a Christian herself, shared many of our thoughts about the value of human beings and the importance of care for others. She was in my view one of the greatest British women of the last century - one of my personal heroines! Pam Burn



I did a memorial for all those laid to rest in one of our great Victorian cemeteries last year which was part of a local community event, and it was a challenge to find an array of things that could cover Muslims, Christians, Buddhists and all other humans whose remains laid there - a bit like a hospice population. I’ll send you what I used and think it would be great if you are willing to share your final efforts with others. In our deliberations in CMC, we are thinking of having a dedicated section on the web-site where we can share interesting stuff when Tana can get this set up and this would be really useful. I also did a nicely printed script and donated it to the local records of the event. Gill Herbert There’s a Commemoration Ceremony for Children (prepared on behalf of the Stillbirth & Neonatal Death Society) on Pg154 of Out of The Ordinary which might be of some use. I’ve never done one of these but I have done a couple of ’Christmas Commemorative Ceremonies’ [for FD’s who invite families who have been bereaved during the preceding year and are approaching their first Christmas without a loved one]. I’ll happily e-mail you a copy of one of those if you think it would help. Ian Abbott Great - yes, many thanks for the offers of scripts etc. I would certainly be willing to share these resources, as I think they are invaluable. If people can e-mail me at [email protected], then I will compile ’the best of’ everything I receive and make it available to others. And thanks Pam for helping me to clarify the question of a fee. I won’t charge, and when I visit the hospice to plan the ceremony, I’ll ensure that they have a stock of the ’Celebrate a Life’ leaflets ready to pass on if required Carole Truman

Traveller / Romany funerals Thread 1

Monty the ‘New Ager’

I am to conduct a ceremony for ’Monty’, a new age traveller, next week. I braved the Ottery St Mary area (in the news today for floods and ice) to find their mud-caked camp in the woods today. They were rough and ready but a lovely warm group of people. One of them is going to do a reading and we are going to light a candle in his memory. I can’t wait to see the faces of the crem staff! I have a worry, though. I asked them if they had any ways they were going to mark Monty’s death and they said they were going to drink the 3 bottles of whiskey he left in his van and then set light to his caravan (as is the tradition in the traveller culture apparently). They are delighted to have the candle from the ceremony to set the van alight! Monty’s van is park on the edge of the woods (I know they can’t tow it anywhere because they told me that they haven’t got a vehicle with a tow bar at the moment) and I fear they might start a huge fire. I’m sure they are a lot more fire/basic living aware than I am and I know I can’t take responsibility for what they do with my candle but do you think I should inform the police of their intentions? Alison Orchard I think there are probably two main contacts here - one is whoever owns the land that they are on - the local authority perhaps? If yes, they all have traveller departments to whom you could speak. Also the local fire station - speak to the Station Commander - they may well be happy to provide an appliance to attend ’just in case’ (certainly in my days with the Fire Service we would have done). Especially after the friends have drunk 3 bottles of whiskey!! I did a burial in a cemetery where a gypsy funeral was also going on and I desperately wanted to be with them and doing that! So I’m envious Alison! Pam Burn I think you definitely have to let the Fire service know. As Pam says, they may agree to be on hand, but to be honest, even if it is their culture, I couldn’t condone the deliberate setting on fire of a caravan in or near the woods. What a terrible waste and what will the fire do to the environment with all sorts of plastic and other materials inside? Now



that you know their plans, I don’t think you can avoid being a responsible citizen and at least just alerting the authorities. Good luck! Lorraine Barrett It was lovely and I cried unashamedly! About 30 people gathered at the Crem but in 2 distinct groups: one of travellers and the gypsy liaison officer and the other of his family. I built my script around tree and leaf imagery and the family made the wreath from autumn leaves and old man’s beard (Monty had a huge bushy white beard). One of the travellers read a poem I had suggested and another did a tribute. It was anarchic and chaotic at times with various members of the community chipping in with their memories and even coming up to the coffin on one occasion ... but nothing too outrageous! The most difficult thing was when 3 or 4 dogs were let free in the grounds after the ceremony and the Crem manager got a bit heavy about it! Alison Orchard Thread 2

Romany funerals etc

I conducted a ceremony for a man who had been married to a Romany. They had separated & divorced a very long time ago and he lived an entirely separate, happy, contented life with his new family & friends. However … I’m told that Romanies assume that once you marry into a Romany family you remain part of that family forever. On the day of the funeral six burley men (accompanied by an assortment of ladies) arrived at the Crematorium. As the hearse approached they moved forward, shoved the other mourners out of the way and flanked the hearse as it made the final yards to pull up to the Crematorium chapel. The men insisted on carrying the coffin in and placed it on the catafalque before taking their places, along with their women, sitting on the front row seats. No sooner had I started to speak than – as one – they all stood up and made a big show of walking out of the crem. I had been told to expect ‘something’ but never imagined anything quite so disrespectful. The man’s true family were understandably greatly distressed by the whole affair (which, of course, was the intention). Ian Abbott

Working Practice Thread 1

Registrar Funerals

Speaking to an FD a couple of days ago, I was told of a family who arrived at their office already primed with the information and advice usually given by the FD and announced that the Registrar would conduct the non-religious ceremony. Said FD was somewhat taken aback and phoned the registrar who was obviously awaiting the call. I asked the next day what fee was paid and to whom. It was the same as local vicars - £102 and the cheque was made out to the local council. The FD said the ceremony was adequate but abrupt. Has anyone else come a cross this? I wonder if this can be classed as unfair trading or a conflict of interest and should we (and perhaps, Civil Ceremonies) make a protest and to whom? Is there any way we can get in first. For example, is it possible to register a death on line? I know that some members have had a similar situation with namings. Has anyone any bright ideas? Christine Riley Moger This certainly sounds like blatant unfair competition doesn’t it. Perhaps we (the BHA/CMC) can check this out as soon as possible.



On the up side I suppose many families usually go to see their FD first - and then go to register the death afterwards? Ray Marsh I thought the idea of doing the registration ’on line’ sounded good - but it’s probably not possible because don’t the family have to take paperwork in with them to register the death? This is grossly unfair. I see them as using their position as registrars for marketing purposes. People can’t go anywhere else to register a death which gives the registrars an ideal opportunity to get in first if a family have chosen to register before seeing an FD. Stinks a bit dunnit? Stuart Peterson Unfortunately deaths must be registered in person as the medical certificate stating the cause of death must be taken along with various other documents if available. I believe this will become much more common and I do think we need to act on a number of fronts, not least unfair competition as with namings, but also a media drive to ensure the public is made much more aware of the availability of humanist ceremonies, be it for funerals, namings or weddings. So many times at funerals, mourners are surprised that ’this type of ceremony’ (humanist) exists and I am asked for contact details etc. Perhaps the CMC’s motto for 2008 could be ’Let the people know’. Win Tadd Christine and others responding to this - can you please send details of locality, date and anything else you have details on relating to registrars behaving in this way to the office or to any member of CMC so that we can collate details and decide how we can begin to work on making sure local authority officers are not acting improperly. We are hoping to respond to this in the New Year, probably by setting up a working group, and all details you can provide us with will be of help. If anyone wants to do more research on this, let us know.... We need to know which localities are presenting such problems and anything else you have heard about Registrars giving advice or information on available help with ceremonies. Gill Herbert

Thread 2

Sources of Help for the Bereaved

Most of us are from time to time given the opportunity to maintain some involvement with a family after a funeral, in order to provide ongoing support. My view is, generally, that we should not. That role is distinctively different from our role as celebrants and takes time that busy celebrants may find themselves unable to give. However, that does not mean we cannot signpost families to sources of help, so I thought it might be useful for me to flag up two new publications that might be helpful. Directory of Bereavement Services in the UK 2007 is published jointly by Resource Information Service, Help the Hospices and Cruse (so I declare an interest) and is fully described at www.ris.org.uk. It will help you to locate any local source of bereavement support , but I am diffident about recommending it for individual purchase as it costs £25, covers the entire UK and is intended to be annually updated. There may be a case for asking your local library to obtain it for consultation, or maybe it’s something the BHA office or RCs could hold - if there is a general view that it would be useful. The second item is ‘What to Do Following a Death’, which contains information we perhaps should know (if we don’t already) though we may not be asked to provide it very often. It is described at www.lawpack.co.uk/following_%20a_death_kit.asp and was prepared by Cruse (I declare an interest again!) At a cost of £9.99, it is more affordable as well as having a longer shelf life than the Directory. There may be a case for drawing people’s attention to it at training. Richard Paterson In the context of ’what to do following a death’ I’m quite often asked about this, and more often clients complain about what a complex and time-consuming process it is, requiring several personal visits to different offices, some of which require appointments.



Does anyone know if there is any prospect of the process being streamlined - eg being able to register a death on line (perhaps from a FD’s office computer)? Perhaps this is covered in training, but for me that was some time ago and I’d appreciate a briefing on this area, if David or Maryam could put something together. John Valentine Thread 3

Containers for a Scattering

Does anyone know where you can get interesting or nice containers for use at a scattering? The family I am working with next week want something a little more attractive than the green plastic urn supplied by the crem. Gill Herbert Gill you could try Heaven on Earth in Bristol, or The Natural Death Center should have some contacts. Roland Pascoe There were some nice ones on display at the recent SAIF Conference, so it might be worth emailing SAIF - [email protected] - for details of the supplier. Richard Paterson I am due to do a funeral and ashes scatttering for a woman who has not yet died but who is terminally ill and I called into the FD because they told me that they had a range of good products. I chose a fabulous brand (but don’t have it here, sadly). It’s cardboard and therefore very ecologically sound, has a device at the top to control the flow of ashes and is attractive with beautiful pictures around such as woodland, flowers etc. I chose a sunflower design for a very upbeat woman. Do you have time? If so, I could call into them again (easy since they are in the town in which I live) after the Easter break and ask who the suppliers are. Suppliers are: Allsops 83a Montgomery Street Hove East Sussex BN3 9PG Tel 01273 822930 Alison Orchard Thanks everyone. This is obviously an area for "new product development" we can think about. In the end the family went for a stone container designed as a patio burner of fragrant oil. We left the ashes with husband’s remains, and the family will now use the container to light family barbeques thinking of mum as they experience the gentle glow from the lamp. Nice idea.... Anyone fancy designing similarly useful and memorable items for us to recommend or even provide? If anyone could improve on the Yorkshire greyness and drizzle we had to accompany the event it would have helped, but it was a good feel - three years on from her donating her body for research, we had some enthusiastic family and friends who will continue enjoying the use of the container selected in years to come.... Gill Herbert a firm called Passages exhibited their products at a reception to launch Epping Woodland Burial Park, which comes on stream next month, and is a lovely site, and beautifully thought through. Passages UK Ltd, PO Box 3313, Maidenhead, Berks SL6 8YN makes bio-degradable urns, and also water bio-degradable urns for casting into the sea. 01628 633730. rodjcrouch@tisca Robert Mill Thread 3

Services via Mobile phones



Due to ill health and distance the daughter of the deceased will be unable to attend her father’s funeral. Before the ceremony starts I will call her from my mobile phone, hands free. I will then conduct the ceremony as usual. Hopefully the phone will remain connected and she should be able to hear the service. I have cleared it with the staff at the crem. And they have no problem with it. I will explain to the mourners why I am connected. I intend to try calling her from the crem. a few days before the ceremony to ensure the connection is possible. Has anyone tried this before? Tim Chicken I’ve never done one by phone but (a couple of years ago) I was asked to read the ceremony the day before so one of the family could tape it. They then took the tape to an infirmed relative who was able to listen to it the next day at the same as we were conducting the ceremony at the crem. How far has the internet / webcam idea spread? I’m not aware of any crem’s ‘oop-north’ with it yet but this would seem to go some way to address Tim’s circumstances (always assuming the recipient had access to a computer). But I was thinking more of how great this would be for those families with relatives in Canada / Australia / New Zealand / South Africa etc Ian Abbott I understand Southampton has just introduced a scheme where families can have the funeral transmitted live via the web if they wish. We have had a query from a celebrant about whether we should charge if they are transmitting us doing our scripts - the crem will be charging the family for the service. Any thoughts on this will be helpful. There is a potential problem around intellectual property rights on this as well if any celebrants are keen to keep their scripts and text as copyright to them and the families they provide them too. Thoughts please.... Let us know how the phone connection goes Tim - sounds like a very sensible approach. Gill Herbert Does anybody have any details of how this actually works? I can’t imagine a family being happy with their funeral just being broadcast ‘out there’ for any Tom Dick or Harry to watch / listen to. To be honest I’d just assumed there would have to be some ‘recipient arrangements’ set up but now I’m not too sure. Funerals are, after all, public ceremonies; a family couldn’t prevent somebody sitting in a crem and listening; I suppose (on the one hand) t’internet might be considered an extension of that principle. However (on the other hand) I don’t think anybody can be compelled to allow their image to be publicly broadcast in this way, [I’m sure private surveillance cameras are not permitted to capture images of anybody in a ‘public place’. (And by virtue of this inability to prevent people coming in, a Crem is very probably a ‘public place’)] I think more information is definitely needed here and ‘we’ (BHA Celebrants) should decide upon a policy because there is every likelihood that those ‘less scrupulous’ independents (and some struggling vicars) may simply record as many ceremonies as they please and plagiarize any or all of what they capture. Having said that I have previously advocated the principle that BHA publication (FWG & OotO) should be available to the general public. I don’t know what I think now!!! See what you’ve started Tim! Ian Abbott



If you are talking about internet funerals Ian, I suspect that viewers would be limited by password access to the crem site. If they are paying for this through the FD then it will not be available ’publicly’ - just to the family and close friends through password access I would have thought. The introduction to this new way of participating in funerals does give us food for thought - I am really not sure how popular it will turn out to be. You can see a lot on the internet but that fact doesn’t stop people still going to cinemas, theatres and so on. The ’being there’ is still important I think. My local crem has done recordings of funerals for years for people who want them but they certainly don’t sell them every time by any means. People quite like to have the scripts but hearing it again is not always something they really want to do. I got the recording of my mother’s funeral for all of her children - none of us has ever listened to it - we were there and that was what we wanted. Pam Burn Ian we have the internet facility in Liverpool, though I haven’t used it yet (Though I have been taped and filmed in the past). I think its a great idea. The family pay £75 and the broadcast is put on the net for a week accessed by password. Stealing of scripts goes on now and I can’t see how the internet will increase it further. Bill Dawson I read this report in Monday’s Guardian and knew it would find its way to the forum. ’Southampton Crem is to begin a new "pay-per-view" service" which will enable bereaved friends and relatives to watch proceedings on their computer screens if they cannot pay their respects in person....................... A digital camera discreetly set up in a corner of the crematorium’s east chapel captures the service. For £75 a family is given a user name and password. These can be passed on to people who cannot get to the ceremony and they can watch the service as it takes place. DVDs of funerals are also being offered for £50 and audio recordings for £25.’ Several times in the past 5/6 years I have been recorded on tape and videoed, with permission of crem staff (and help finding plugs and extension leads) and usually manipulated by a member of family who supplies the equipment. It never occurred to me to charge for this, nor would I consider charging in the future. As far as the stealing of scripts goes, surely it’s quite a positive thing if more people are able to have their ceremonies conducted in the humanist way. Tim, I wish I had your expertise with phones. Christine Riley Moger I did the ceremony using a mobile phone - and it worked! Fortunately I tried it out a couple of days before but the network didn’t work well. I tried again with a different network which was much better. I had the phone on hands free with a lead to a mic and an ear piece. I spoke to the recipient to ensure she could hear me. She remained silent throughout. I had switched profiles to silent incase of incoming calls. When her son came to speak I attached the mike to his collar. During the ceremony I made reference to the connection by phone to the deceased’s daughter so all the mourners knew what was going on. Seemed to work well so if you get asked its worth a try. Tim Chicken We use older technology up here! One of my ceremonies was filmed last week, to be a DVD to send to people in Australia. Unfortunately the cameraman didn’t switch the On button soon enough, so the first ten minutes is missing. He is coming to my house to refilm that bit on Tuesday - hope I wear the same earrings!



Sue Willson Just as a matter of interest Tim, who paid for the phone call, or have I missed something ? Geraldine Jones I increased my fee by £5 to cover the cost of the call. Tim Chicken

Sharing Ideas

Planning a funeral for close dying friends is one of the toughest things we can do BUT it is also a final gift we can give to our friend when they need straight talking and practical good sense. Find a way to listen to music at funerals less intently - I’ve been habitually waking up at 3pm with the music from the last ceremony going off like a mental disco in my head! Any tips on this one gratefully received! Caroline Black One thing I think which we can never ignore - be flexible and adaptable. Lots of points were made during training with such persuasion that they tend to be clung on to as unalterable standards. But, providing we remain true to humanist values, we can generally afford to adapt to particular requests. After one funeral, where dress varied from clown costume to bikers in spangles, which featured many contributions from different friends, including a guitar piece by the widower’s friend, and the widower singing a song accompanied by same friend, as also a spontaneous little dance he did with two small nieces, plus near-continuous presentation on a giant TV screen, one mourner, a civil servant, said to me that I had given to the proceedings two valuable things, a sense of order, and a relaxed calming effect. If that was the case, it has taken a good few years to reach a point where I had the capability. Robert Mill If I had several ceremonies waiting to be written, I used to stick resolutely to working on one at a time until I had finished it - probably from a not very rational fear of somehow getting mixed up if I was dividing my time between them. Last year, though, I found that switching to another ceremony helped me through those awkward patches when the right words don’t seem to want to come. I could move from one that was going sluggishly to one where, suddenly, the words seemed to flow better. The net result is that I seem to have less dead time at the computer, and it seems to me that as a result, individual ceremonies turn out better.

Richard Paterson

Music

I’ve been struck by the poor use made of the Wesley System by some FDs, to the detriment of families. A family I recently saw had already made the deceased’s specified preferences known to the FD. All items were popular choices and all were available on the Wesley System at the crem in question. This was not followed up by the FD, as a result of which family members had spent a wet afternoon trailing around looking for 3 CDs to get one track off each that they would probably never listen to after the funeral. This had already happened by the time I met them. On another occasion I explained to an FD that, where the family were unsure or indifferent about music, pointing them to the online information about what was already available at the crem could save everyone a good deal of time and trouble. The FD, a busy independent, had no idea what was possible, and was grateful for information I assumed he already knew. For anyone new to the Wesley system, its just a question of accessing www.wesleymusic.co.uk. There is a drop down list of links which show participating sites for those who need to know if a particular crem is signed up. If you click on ’Music Library Lists’ you also get a list of sites, for any one of which you can click on to the ’General Library’



list to get a full list of what is already available at that crem. Wesley say they can get any other commercially available item with 48 hours notice. It is possible to deal direct with Wesley to order items, but the crems I use seem to prefer to do the ordering themselves. When FD’s are less than helpful about the music, the Wesley system can be very useful. Three of the 5 crems I regularly attend have the system - at others, I suspect that internal politics may have got in the way - but the system doesn’t mean that organists become redundant, as seems to be the perception. Richard Paterson Interesting, Richard... It seems to vary as to who orders the music if the crem haven’t already got it in their library. The FDs I work with have to do it, and as one of them refuses (some wrangle over internal politics between him and the crem) then family often have to do as you’ve described - ie source the music themselves (and, in most cases, crems won’t accept ’burnt’ discs). I’ve also had discussions with staff at crems where they don’t have Wesley - one of them said to me, "Ah, but what happens if the system goes down?" (I don’t know the answer to that one!). And how will this new Qntrax system (basically, free downloads of music, to be paid for via advertising, as I understand it) affect (or not) Wesley? I’m doing a funeral on Monday where a friend of the deceased is playing the opening and closing music on his acoustic guitar, and we’re having silence in the middle - so at least I don’t have to double-check with the crem that the music has been ordered and they’ve actually got it. Phew, this is a long post - I need a drink! Chris Goodwin I can’t praise Wesley enough. They are brilliant. Recently I had a request for a track which the family wanted started at 2:15 minutes into the song (because the first part was inappropriate) and a member of staff at Wesley did something technical so that it started absolutely exactly at the right moment at the press of a button. They have also sourced some very obscure pieces for me, including a really old recording of something which had been recorded from an original - crackly - record and an authentic version of an African folk song. Anyone can order from them (even the family) by telephone or email. You just phone the order number through to the Crem. It was installed at Exeter Crem about 6 months ago and - as you can tell - I am a hugely enthusiastic convert. It has, however, had a massive impact on the staff there. 5 organists are employed there at the moment (2 on at any one time and one in each chapel with all working 2 days a week) and in our ceremonies they put on the CDs. But they were all given notice after Christmas and their employment terminated as from end of March. From then on 2 vergers (one in each chapel) are to be employed and they will be able to download organ played hymn music (so the mourners sing kind of karaoke style - sorry don’t know how to spell that). If they want live music, then an organist has to be privately hired at a considerably higher cost. There are serious rumbles all round. It has, however, given us an advantage since our ceremonies will compare more favourably from now on: the cost differential will be reduced and our ceremonies will be less hassle. A sign of secularisation, perhaps. I await to see the impact with interest. Meanwhile, though, I am fond of most of organists and am sad to see them go. Alison Orchard I have also found the system to be invaluable and the Wesley staff really helpful, particularly when attempting to locate an obscure recording; the staff have even played a track down the phone to me as I wasn’t sure if it was the correct version the family wanted. The FD’s here usually prefer to order the music themselves (they fax the request to Wesley) and I am happy to turn it over to them in case there is a problem. If a family has not already chosen the music when I visit (often the case) I will discuss their choices and the order in which they are to be played and then phone it through to the FD. The family are invariably relieved that they don’t have to go to the trouble of sourcing the music themselves. It is such a faff in the crems that don’t use the system. It has to be explained to families that it can’t be a download, cd’s have to be identified, labeled and taken to the FD who then takes the music to the crem 24 hours before the ceremony for staff to check the cd’s are working ok. And on the day of the funeral, the music has to be cued and played in the correct place, which can sometimes be a little erratic. Wesley isn’t foolproof, but it certainly in general makes life easier.



Tina Pritchard Yes, I too love Wesley and have the library downloaded to my PC. The crem I do the most work at has it and I always call them myself and book the music. I have never asked an FD to sort out music for me as I prefer to have it under my control. If a crem doesn’t have Wesley then I take CDs in myself (either mine or the family’s) with notes on them as to what track and when to fade it, etc. Confess I am a control freak about music - blame Mary Martin and Jan Ferguson who trained me and dinned into me the potential pitfalls with music! Pam Burn the Wesley system sounds great - pity there are hardly any crems in N.Yorks that have it. I’ve never had any problem with burnt CDs at our local crems (so long as they are CD-R and not CD-RW) and have often made a CD specifically for a funeral from (legal) downloads (MSN or Tesco but not iTunes) and/or copied from the client’s or my own CDs - with just 3 tracks on the CD it does make the music instructions for the crem very straightforward. I will usually give this CD to the family with the script if they want it - some have been very appreciative if I have been able to find and record something they really wanted but didn’t have themselves. Susan Humphries We have one crem out of three in our area that operates the Wesley System and as an aside this crem offers family the ability to have a recording of the complete funeral service on CD. This comes at about £20 extra to the normal fee. The CDs are printed off and then posted to the family within a week of the service. I suspect this might be the start of this sort of thing. Roland Pascoe What you say is interesting Alison. I was always told (admittedly by the Crem staff) that each track had to run from the beginning and, unlike cd’s can’t be started at (say) 2:15. In the past I’ve had to mark my script with where to start to music and have the volume down; then, at the appropriate time, and providing I’ve timed it right, I turn the volume up and voila ... or not! Another plus with the Wesley system is they can download anything ... a tape of Aunty Maud singing at the golden wedding for example ... provided it can be got to them in time; and they clean up all the buzzes and crackles to boot. From now on, whenever a piece has to be started part way in I’ll contact Wesley myself to arrange it.. The only horror story I heard (possibly apocryphal) was of a family who asked for "the song from Robin Hood". They mean ’everything I do I do it for you’ Bryan Adams but got ’Robin Hood Robin Hood riding through the glen’ (from the Richard Green TV series). Apocryphal or not it is worth bearing in mind! Ian Abbott Hi, Pam - I’m in there with you on being a control freak - cos, if it goes wrong, it’ll be my fault but, more to the point, the family haven’t got what they wanted (and that’s what it’s all about - barring the dog word, of course). So, here I am, waiting for someone who wants to say something at tomorrow’s ceremony at 10.30am to deliver it to me so that I can avoid duplication and also get the timing right... Chris Goodwin Some of the Wesley staff are expert musicians themselves and really interested in helping if you have a "special" request e.g. particular recording or artist which is not in their current store or listing. They reckon they can track anything down that has been recorded if you give them 48 hours. They are very keen to get it right too... If only f.d.s were all so helpful and interested in quality! Gill Herbert

Tax and Insurance

On reviewing my home insurance I notice I am required to notify them if using my house for business. As I type my scripts at home then I do I suppose. What do others do. martin fowkes



I wouldn’t say you were conducting a business Martin, you are ’working ’ for a charity. I think there is a difference. Geraldine Jones Well the trouble is Geraldine, that is not strictly true. None of us celebrants ’work’ for the BHA - we work for ourselves, we are freelancers, we have none of the characteristics of an employee or even a volunteer (except when we are acting in a volunteer capacity such as I do as a CMC member or as some do in the office). HMRC regard us as self employed people and so we pay tax on our earnings accordingly. We can offset ’office’ costs against that tax and so Martin should be able to offset an element of insurance against the office part of his home, just as he can part of his phone and computer costs, car usage and so on. I hesitate to be prescriptive about HMRC because I have heard some very strange stories of their decisions of late, not for us, but for other people in business for themselves. Pam Burn Most domestic insurance policies will tolerate you working at home, and they are really only concerned if you have people calling to see you there or run an office specifically for a business. However, I have separate insurance for running my business from my home (as I do other work which warrants it), but I would not expect most celebrants to do that if they are just declaring income as a sole trader and don’t have other people coming to the house to do business. I suggest you discuss it with your insurance company - better to be honest than to risk them nullifying any claim you make! If you want advice on best ways to deal with things like this, your local Business Link often are very good on home working or taxation issues etc, so it is worth talking to them. They have very informative website and leaflet information as well. I think it is time we produced some outline guidelines for celebrants on things like this, so let us know what worries you and we’ll try to advise on what the options are. As we all have different arrangements, there is no straightforward position on a lot of things that arise from us being free-lancers who are self-employed. Gill Herbert I think it’s also important to check that your car insurance covers business use if you use it for family visits or ceremonies. Richard Paterson To go off at a bit of a tangent I think some sort of guidance on the whole business of insurance / national insurance / tax etc would be really helpful - I have only been doing this for a very short time and all my previous work was PAYE so it is very daunting trying to work your way through the impenetrable paperwork. I am not really doing enough to justify and accountant. I would really welcome some guidance on this! Ros Curtis Have notified insurance, not really bothered although they have put that info on policy. Strangely their database has nothing for us sp I am down as a "funeral furnisher"!!!. This concerned me as some years ago, my wife who has her own car and is insured on my policy to drive mine had an accident in hers. She claimed on her policy and it was sorted. Recently I had a claim on mine and the insurance co noticed from their investigations that I hadn’t notified them that she had had a bump and cancelled my insurance. That’s why I believe that you have to tell them everything ‘cos if they can find a loophole they will. Martin Fowkes Replying to Rosalind’s point about having an accountant - unless you are earning really very small amounts (i.e. not enough to pay tax at all), my view is that it is always a good idea to use one. Their fee is itself an expense allowable against tax so is deducted from gross earnings before taxable earnings are calculated, and in addition they will save you more that their fee by making use of allowances you never knew existed. Plus, HMRC are much less likely to look at your return if it has been signed off by a professional. John Valentine



Family meetings

On The Phone Any advice? - apart from ’never do it". I am not at all keen but the family is in Torquay and the funeral in North London.. Maybe we could consider job sharing in situations like this. Christine Gowridge John Bosley and I once did ’job share’ - I did a ceremony at the FDs in Newport, S Wales and he did the committal in Huddersfield - so it’s not impossible! A ’telephone visit’ is an unavoidable necessity sometimes but needn’t be too daunting - in fact, it can be quite a good discipline as you need a checklist of points to cover to keep the conversation within reasonable limits. Alternatively, how feasible would it be to get them to email you at least a basic biography around which you could fill in more detail vi athe phone? Best wishes with it. Richard Paterson I suppose I could, indeed, do it for you, Christine, if you’d like me to. Alison Orchard I agree with Richard - it may not be ideal, but with phone and email you can do a reasonable job. Good luck Sue Willson I’ve only just come across this so forgive me if I’m covering ground already gone over. Certainly its possible to do a family visit over the phone. the same skills apply, listening, making notes etc its just that you don’t have the body language to give you cues. So you have to be more explicit in your questions and answers. I have also found that more people have phones then have e-mail so in a way its actually more inclusive. With using the Special Delivery Service of the Post Office to get a draft to the family so that they can make changes you can do the whole thing in 3 days say. Hope it went ok. Roland Pascoe

Practicalities Thread 1

Charging for Extras

I am interested to know how officiants manage to charge for extras - ie two visits. I have found that whatever length of ceremony, how ever far I travel the funeral directors always pay the same rate. The first hour long ceremony I did I asked whether I would be paid more & I was told ’no’. I have just done a ceremony which clocked up 113 miles with family visit, dropping off CDs to crem and finally the ceremony. I asked for a nominal £12 towards petrol & was told I was ’being cheeky’! Another ceremony I did was in a stately house with over 150 guests and I was asked for an hour long ceremony. Then we travelled across the city (35 mins) to the cemetery with about 100 of the guests for another 20 minute ceremony at the burial. Same fee as a half hour ceremony. Where am I going wrong! Anne Victoria Denning



I think you are being put upon. A similar thing happened to me a few years back and I marked it down to experience. Since that time I have always quoted a fixed price to FDs and added 40p per mile for mileage. If I have to travel further than expected I calculate the distance as nearly as possible, add £5 for my time and round it up to the nearest pound. No FD has ever complained but they do like to know in advance if possible. As for the extended service, it is a good idea to find out exactly what is required before you agree to the job. Try saying to the relatives "I’m afraid I shall have to charge a bit extra if it involves going to venues so far apart." Your time is valuable and your service is good so don’t under sell yourself. It is difficult to be business like if you are not accustomed to it but you just have to bite the bullet. Sadly, people do not value what they don’t have to pay for although a lot of people think that you are doing it out of the goodness of your heart. I’m in danger of rambling on now so I’ll just wish you good luck and good night. Another point - it’s a mistake to ask the FD if you will be paid more - just tell them that your fee increases if you have to do extra. Christine Riley Moger Completely agree with Christine. YOU decide the fee you will charge, taking account of extra time, number of visits beforehand, travelling distance and so on. Most local celebrant groups have an agreed basic fee for a ’straightforward’ funeral with one visit. Some, like my own, add a percentage for travel costs to our basic fee and give the FD the all-up figure, some will add the actual mileage cost to the basic figure and tell the FD that is the fee to be paid. However, if any of us are asked to travel much further than normal (we work on a max of 60 miles round trip I think) we would charge extra for that and similarly for additional work such as double slots and travelling from one place to another to perform separate parts of the ceremony. Don’t let the FDs bully you into accepting the basic cost if there is a lot of travelling or additional work to be done Pam Burn Yes, I agree - you really need to quote a larger fee if there’s excess travel, and make sure you agree it with the FD at the outset (I suspect that some - if not all - of them add a "mark-up" and charge the family more, though I’ve no way of knowing if my suspicion is true). The situation with longer ceremonies is problematical - so far I’ve found that a double slot only involves perhaps an extra ten minutes, so I don’t bother (swings and roundabouts - and family interviews and time spent freezing out on the flower terrace also tend to vary). I’m proud of what I do and feel I deserve reasonable recompense for what I believe is a unique, professional and caring service I provide - as someone said the other day, to the grieving family there is only this one funeral and only this one chance to get it right. Do other colleagues agree? Chris Goodwin Thread 2

Applause at funerals

Just wondered what colleagues’ attitude is to this. It’s happened maybe twice or three times at my ceremonies, in response to a tribute or speech given by a friend or relative, and several more times I felt it almost happened, but didn’t because people felt that it wasn’t done to clap at funerals. And indeed it isn’t done very often. Clearly celebrants are in a position to initiate applause - has anyone done this? I haven’t, but once or twice wish I had. It’s obviously not appropriate in perhaps the vast majority of funerals. When it did happen spontaneously, it seemed a positive and life-affirming thing, and it’s good to have the occasional positive and life-affirming funeral. It also made the whole thing less churchy and formal, and made a clear difference between a humanist and a religious funeral. And it is also another way of the audience participating in the funeral. John Valentine



It is, I agree, a tricky thing to judge. I have initiated applause for a speaker a couple of times and when I analyse the common denominators I think it has been for those families who were particularly positive during the family meeting and the subsequent contributors have been upbeat and generous in the sharing of funny stories about happy times shared together. There have been a couple of others where I’ve been uncertain and on those occasions I’ve erred on the side of caution but, just recently there has been mention (here I think) of applause as the coffin enters, or as the curtains close (which I think, for the right family, would be very uplifting) and since reading about this I have had one ceremony where I thought (too late) that it would have been a great thing to do. It really is a bit of a balancing act. On the one hand to have the confidence to decide ‘this is right’ but on the other to be careful not to intrude on the families sensitivities. I can’t wait to do it but the only thing is now I have an extra voice in my head asking if I’m just thinking of doing it because ‘I’ want to? ;-} Ian Abbott I don’t think I’d want to initiate applause without the prior permission of the family, though I’ve experienced spontaneous applause - mostly, I have to say, where the mourners have been well tanked up beforehand. I’ve sometimes complimented a contributor - especially a young one - on doing what they have done, or done with obvious effort. Memorial ceremonies seem more informal, even ones I’ve done in redundant churches or chapels and I think the presence of the coffin is a major inhibiting factor. I’m somewhat taken with the idea of more brief committals for the family complemented by longer, more varied and more relaxed memorial ceremonies, though one has to admit that such a package might be pretty demanding on the family. Ian Abbott Over the last four or five years I can remember only three funeral ceremonies where there was spontaneous applause after a tribute from a relative or friend - and it certainly seemed ’right’ and acceptable in each case. As to initiating and leading applause I did this once quite recently when I noticed people in the front row who were obviously wanting to do so as the speaker stepped down but were unsure and watching me - so I decided to go for it and lead the applause- which was enthusiastic and long lasting. I then said that I wasn’t sure if we were applauding David or Jonathon (the speaker or the deceased) but that I assumed perhaps - both? This resulted in much nodding and a further ripple of enthusiastic applause! It’s wonderful when it happens and the positive group participation aspect probably helps some people get through a difficult time. Horses for courses though - as celebrants we know its a tricky one and there are many situations and families where it would be a huge mistake! Ray Marsh I, too, have known applause on only a handful of occasions. It has always felt appropriate - and warm -with only one possible exception: A 12/13 yr old child was applauded when others hadn’t been and it felt patronising. Alison Orchard When I think about the occasions when there has been applause it usually has been in a venue other than the crematorium and usually in the situation that Richard speaks of in a ceremony following the cremation or burial (so the coffin isn’t there)and has been very hearty even without alcohol. Another time was when a ceremony was held in a hotel, before the burial, with the coffin present. All the speakers were applauded and it felt completely right. Due to a more relaxed setting but also as Ian said the family were very positive. Now I come to think of it - I do remember another time in the crem - when the 12 yr old daughter of the deceased played the flute and wow that was worth applauding.



I’ve never lead the applause - but will have it in mind now - it would perhaps help to relax people in the crem? Although I would of course be cautious and sensitive to the family and the moment. It would be interesting to hear if there is more applause due to us having it in mind as something that could happen at the crem? Julie Robinson The most effective occasion for me was at the funeral of a very talented and respected amateur actor. The roof was raised with the a standing ovation which I led as the curtains closed , after Hilaire Belloc’s parody, ’The World’s a Stage.’ had been read. It wasn’t suicide, but wonderfully effective for this particularly flamboyant man. Geraldine Jones A recent dramatic suicide of a 15 year old proved extremely challenging and I involved lots of his friends in planning the ceremony (they knew what he was thinking). I also wanted to make sure their parents had a good message from the friends who had no intent to follow his lead. The spontaneous applause which followed the initial contribution from one of his closest friends was a real relief, and an uplifting moment for all, and it was then repeated a number of times as the whole 200 plus attendees thought about what they had heard others say in their deliberations, which helped them to come to terms with a horrendous event. I was really impressed with the maturity and response of the friends who helped with this one, and the applause was both well deserved and well used. It was a lovely event in the end, with the boy’s teachers asking for a copy of the script to help them come to terms with what had happened. And mum gave everyone a rose to dry or keep to remember him by... I was very humbled and grateful for the help of those who attended in acknowledging the efforts of the contributors in making sure we gave true acknowledgement to the value of this young man who was never going to grow into the man he could have been - he was special and could have been a real asset to our world. I was also impressed with a really supportive crem staff, who gave every bit of help they could in making this a "feel good" event. I would never encourage applause, but when it happens it can be very helpful. Human beings need it as a way of participating and being involved sometimes. Gill Herbert I too have been at a few ceremonies were applause followed a speaker. However I have taken it a bit further; as is so often with these things it was a happy accident. I was doing a funeral for an ambulance man who eventually had to retire after being badly beaten up by yobbos who tried to stop him helping someone. His colleagues had arranged to be a guard of honour as the coffin entered. I knew nothing of this but I thought that these people do an amazing job as did the deceased so I had a quick word with the family If they thought it appropriate to give a round of applause to them and his dead dad. It was agreed and it was a fantastic moment. People felt good that they could show their appreciation A week later I had to officiate at a funeral for a young man who had committed suicide. He had suffered depression all of his life but in that time he supported so many people with their problems. He was a good human being. I raised the idea that we showed our appreciation by applause. The family enthusiastically went for it. Again it was a fantastic moment. I led the applause but the mourners kept it going some cheering, some shouting their thanks. Tears and smiles. Now whenever I have a ceremony for someone who was one of the ’good people’ I raise the idea of applause with the family. So far 6 times it has been used only once did the family say no. Happy accidents don’t you love them.



Bill Dawson Bill - is the applause when the coffin enters the chapel? or at committal? Either way, it’s interesting because the applause is not for a speaker, but for the person who has died, a demonstration of gratitude for a life. Must be really moving. John Valentine It is at the end of the eulogy just b4 reflection and committal. Yes it is very uplifting and positive. Wished I’d have done it 7 yrs ago! Bill Dawson

I’ve done it twice (I’ve only been working this year). The first time, it was for a young man’s funeral. He had died in a road accident. Six of his friends were going to speak at the funeral. I asked his family what they thought of applauding the speakers and the family thought it would be good. On the day, I thought of applauding them all at the end, to save time. However, after the first one had spoken the father started the applause, so I joined in and that encouraged everyone else. So, all the speakers got their own applause. Needless to say, it was enthusiastic and a very good feeling. The second one was started by the mourners, again for a speaker, and I picked it up. I like it but am still working out when to do it. I think it is about being sensitive to the feeling of the meeting and open to it happening. I haven’t yet initiated it though. Alison Redcastle Just to share my two experiences of this happening. The first was as a mourner we were asked to give the coffin a standing ovation at the committal and this info was simply passed between the mourners , not by the person officiating. The second occasion was when I was officiating at the funeral of a friend. That time the applause happened right at the very end of the ceremony, took me totally by surprise and I assumed was for the deceased. On only one occasion as a mourner have I experienced giving the deceased three cheers. On all these occasion it felt the right thing to do. As a celebrant I would only suggest it if it felt appropriate to the deceased and their family wanted it. Roland Pascoe For the first time today, I led applause. A samba band played all the music, including "Yellow Bird" which all were encouraged to sing - words were printed on a card. I initiated applause at the end of the singing as it felt so right - and I remembered this discussion. Sue Willson Just returned from holiday so this is a rather late contribution! I have had a couple of occasions when there has been spontaneous applause. Once was when the son of a keen cyclist read these word that he had written himself - a parody of the Lord’s Prayer! "At this point I think we should hear from Richard, Dave’s second son, who has written some lines that I’m sure would make his Dad smile. Richard…

Our Father

Who art in that casket over there Hallowed be thy bike Thy ten mile time trial come Twenty Nine minutes or under will be done (Given a back wind and favourable weather conditions) On Wednesday night as it is on Sunday morning Give us this day a gold medal And forgive us our gloating As we would forgive those who consistently passed us Lead us not into a head wind And deliver us from punctures



For thine is the silver, the bronze And unplaced For ever and ever, barring road closures And heavy rain A – Bike Nichola Dare

Thread 3

Cultural estrangement

Does anyone have experience of taking a funeral for someone who has become completely estranged from their cultural roots? In the case in point, the deceased was born in the English Midlands of Sikh parentage, but moved to South Wales, married a local (European) woman from whom he was divorced and by whom he has two (now adult) children, adopted a British name and has died of an alcohol-related illness in his early fifties. I have not yet seen the family, but I am told that practicing Sikh relatives will be at the funeral. I suppose the answer is simply to play it straight and try to bring out his best points in the usual way, but I’d be interested to know if anyone has had to tackle a similar situation, and has any observations that might help. Richard Paterson If anyone can do it Richard you can. Back to the first principles of humanism as far as I can see - we are what we are as our families, communities and social environments created for us - and with us - and we make our way through the path that presents. As such we end our lives. What many of us achieve despite the labels is amazing and it’s up to us to find out about it, tell people about it and make sure others feel good about it. Gill Herbert I think this counts as cultural estrangement - deceased lady a convinced agnostic, only surviving child (and my client) a fervent Jehovah’s Witness, a woman of about 65. Daughter arranged a humanist ceremony for her mum, but wanted to read a particularly rabid/obscure passage from I Corinthians all about physical resurrection. I didn’t argue - thinking that daughter had respected mum’s views pretty well. At the service she read the bible passage to universal blank faces, and at the end said ’I really believe that’ and sat down. John Valentine I conducted a funeral last year for a man who had been baptised as a Christian, lived most of his life as an atheist and embraced an obscure branch of Muslim belief in his later years. His children wanted a humanist ceremony but agreed with his fellow church members that there should be some religious content. We resolved this by me doing my usual thing, stepping aside to allow the Imam (who was elderly and half blind but very jolly) to say his prayers before the body was interred. I spoke some words of committal, brought the humanist part to a close and left the church members to sing and pray around the grave. Everyone was happy and met up in the pub afterwards. The one shaky moment was when the Imam tripped and almost fell into the grave. Just do what feels right. Christine Riley Moger

Thread 4

Leaflet / card distribution

I am not very adept at distributing leaflets and business cards after funerals. Even a brief conversation with a departing mourner can mean that many others have passed by. I don’t hand stuff out willy-nilly as I feel that most would end up in the bin, yet I am not often approached for such information. I suppose I also feel a bit diffident about ’touting’ . Quite a few of the funerals I officiate at have a collection plate placed near the crem exit and I



normally remind mourners that it is there - I wondered about placing leaflets and cards by the plate for people to pick up if they wish. has anyone tried this, and, if so, with what result? Richard Paterson I also feel iffy about actively distributing info to people unless they specifically come to me with queries - I always have a few leaflets in hand for them. I use the folders for the script and do a copy for each NOK on the day and include a leaflet each for them. I have found they have distributed them at the post funeral tea or wake to those that are interested which feels much better than me "pushing" them at people. Also families have come back afterwards to say lots of people wanted to know more about humanism and can they have some of those leaflets that were in the folder for them. Gill Herbert I don’t like the idea of pushing things on people either Richard and I don’t feel it is right to do so after a funeral. Like Gill, I put a couple of leaflets and cards in the folders that I put the scripts in and it is surprising how many contacts come back that way. I am finding that I am starting to get more and more calls from deceased relatives direct nowadays (ie repeat business) - I only started doing funerals 18 months ago and I don’t do lots and lots so that is quite pleasing. Pam Burn I spoke to an FD at the crem on Monday who said that someone is doing the rounds in this area (Derbyshire) offering amongst other things, Humanist ceremonies but wanting £180 for his trouble! Apparently he "meets up with the family and offers them a personalised script" and this he feels, justifies his charges! Fortunately the FD is up to speed on accredited Humanists in the area and their charges so he sent him off with a flea in his ear. With regard to promotion, I have my cards and copies of "To Celebrate a Life" with me following a funeral and if I am approached offer one of each. I always give the family a card when I visit and they usually pop it into their folder containing the script for future reference. I am also getting families coming back to me to conduct a ceremony for another relative and they often ring me direct using the number on my card. I have also prepared a handout for FD’s that they can photocopy for families interested in a Humanist funeral and I regularly drop off leaflets if I am passing an office. I have tried to encourage FD’s to ring up the London office and order more leaflets but I’m not sure if they bother. Reluctance to self promote in a pushy way seems intrinsic to most officiants. Anyway, in my experience, the FD’s don’t like officiants who are too pushy. We tread a fine line in trying to get ourselves known and one of the best and most effective ways I have found is familiarity. Once you are known and trusted to do a good job you are likely to be asked again but it can be a bit of a slow burn!! Tina Pritchard What unanimity amongst us on this one. I too give scripts in folders to NOK and close family after the ceremony, but with a BHA bookmark in rather than a leaflet. Maybe I will change to using leaflets. I have wondered if people look at them at the "wake" and it is interesting to hear that some definitely do - I thought some probably would. Sue Willson

Thread 5

Secular Hymns and Singing at Funerals

I am conducting a funeral tomorrow for a woman who came to one of my ceremonies last month and who told her son that the funeral was lovely but that she missed the singing. From a fiercely non-religious but political (Lib Dem) background, her son has researched these words to Jerusalem. I remain a little unsure myself but they scan well. I thought I’d share them: And did those feet in ancient times Walk upon England’s mountains green? And was the voice of reason thought On England’s pleasant pastures seen? And did the vision grand and high



Shine forth upon our clouded hills? And was Jerusalem builded here Among those dark satanic mills? Bring me my bow of burning gold! Bring me my arrows of desire! Bring me my spear! O clouds, unfold! Bring me my chariot of fire! I will not cease from mental fight, Nor shall my sword sleep in my hand, Till we have built Jerusalem In England’s green and pleasant land I offer this for discussion as much as anything. I am very pleased to get rid of the ’countenance divine’ bit since it gives the childish sense of a cosmic Father Christmas peeping out of the clouds but it implies, perhaps, that Christian values can be a vision for the future. Alison Orchard The lack of singing has long been one of the things which I miss about humanist funerals in general, though I do think we go a long way towards making up for it in other ways. The CMC has a lot on its plate at the moment - taking on the implementation of the CDG’s group is not a light undertaking and it will be a huge amount of work. I will keep it in my mind though as it is something I would personally like to see. One of the things which worries me about taking established songs, be they hymns or choral works, is that they often sound so odd when you put secular words where once there were words of another kind. (I speak as a one time chorister, albeit a non-religious one.) Easier in my mind to take wonderful pieces of music that have never had words, and do something secular with them. Pam Burn I conducted a ceremony last week for a man who had been a member of a Male Voice Choir. The rest of the choir attended and sang ’The Rose’ and ’What would I do without my music’. For the third piece, the congregation were invited to stand and join in - ’You Raise Me Up’. It didn’t actually mention ’God’ and they certainly took the roof off. There was an extremely full chapel and this certainly does help. In the past when I have had a request for singing I have suggested that we have a CD of a good choir playing and the mourners can join in. That way if the voices fade a bit you still have a good sound. Angela Phipps I had one last week at which the audience sang ’Wonderful World’ (as in Louis Armstrong) It worked better than I thought it would. John Valentine I have tended to fight shy of singing - as I am not much of a singer myself and I always feel we are expected to lead the singing - possibly an example of how our own preferences can creep into ceremonies. But I really do think that much singing can be cringe-makingly awful. I still remember years later a horrible attempt, made by a large turnout against my better judgement, to sing ’Wish Me Luck as You Wave me Goodbye’. In the area I mostly cover these days, the Eastern Valleys, non-conformism and the chapel are pretty much dead and there is no current tradition of singing - indeed, many of my ’customers’ opt for one of our ceremonies just to dodge the prayers and hymns. Richard Paterson As it happens I had been toying with the idea of a secular version of Jerusalem as it seems to be requested by bereaved families (and betrothed couples)more than most. Mine is even more political than the one offered to Alison and so on those grounds may be found inappropriate. Anyway here it is Our fathers’ feet in ancient time Walked upon England’s mountains green.



They tilled the fields. And many a lamb Oft was on England’s pastures seen And as invention grew apace New towns arose on clouded hills They fed the poor and healed the sick Thanks to their dark, productive, mills. Bring me my bow of burning gold! Bring me my arrows of desire! Bring me my spear! O clouds, unfold! Bring me my chariot of fire! I will not cease from mental fight, nor shall my sword sleep in my hand Till fairness reigns and freedom too In England’s green and pleasant land Michael Imison I think we ought to think about communal activity as well as / instead of communal singing. In my local crem, the staff frequently tell me how dire the “singing” is at many funerals as the local f.d.s still insist on using the popular (with f.d.s at least…) local organist who needs to make a living. They are really pleased when it is a humanist event as we don’t usually use him although once when I needed a live rendering of knees up mother brown around the coffin he did come up trumps! However, a group hug around the coffin, all taking flowers from the coffin to the after-event, chocolate biscuits, vodka jellies or champagne at the door and other things in which people can become a little involved in can be good. Other ways in which people can combine to share stories or do things together can be very helpful in my view and replace the communal sing-song. The latter does work well if the choir they were members of are attending, or they were rugby club members who have practised well their favourite song. Complicated business being human. And like Richard Patterson, I can’t sing well and lead the singing so am as reluctant as him to use musical interludes Gill Herbert

Thread 6

Secular Prayer

I am doing a funeral for a family who want me to lead a ’prayer’ which they said that had been spoken in unison at the end of a funeral service they once attended. It’s lovely (below) and I have no problem in doing so. However, on writing the ceremony I have been pondering on a word I might use instead of prayer. I have kind of given up and asked people to join in unity to say the words on their order of service... but wondered if any of you had any ideas. The nearest I got was verse, but it didn’t quite hit the spot!

Let us go out into the world

glad that we have loved, free to weep for the one whom we have lost, free to hold each other in our human frailty, empowered to love to the full and to affirm the hope of human existence. Alison Orchard



Hi Alison ... Don’t know if this helps at all but my thesaurus offers these. Entreaty … Invocation ... Appeal … Plea … Request … Desire … Hope … Wish ... Meditation Ian Abbott Hi Alison, How about something like ’............to recite in unison the sincere entreaty set out in your service sheet, as requested by ...........’s family’ How about "communal ode" or "joining in an elegy for humanity" Gill Herbert Thread 7

Humanist Hymn / carol

Entirely coincidentally - following on from the Jerusalem thread - I have been invited to participate in a multi-denominational memorial service for Christmas whereby all families who have been bereaved during the preceding 12 months are invited to attend as guests of the FD. (By ‘all families’ I assume the FD means ‘those families who have been clients during that period’). I am asked to prepare a ten-minute message (not too big-a-problem) AND chose a favourite hymn or carol to end my reflection …! The invitation has only just arrived and I confess I haven’t given too much thought to it yet but any suggestions would be most welcome. Ian Abbott Hi Ian I have a non religious version of ’All People That on Earth Do Dwell’ if you like. not particularly Christmassy I’m afraid. All people that on earth do dwell Sing to the sky with cheerful voice Sing ye with mirth, your love forth tell Come ye together and rejoice. That love abounds is good indeed Without our aid it did us make We feel its warmth, it doth us feed, All in its happy glow partake. O let us hold our hands in joy Approach in calm life’s gentle end Not let death’s certainty alloy Pleasures of family and friend For why? Our love for them is real Its value is forever sure Rich and alive it makes us feel Memories from age to age endure Vanessa Dennis So far my (long) shortlist is: • Deck The Halls • Frosty The Snowman • Holly Jolly Christmas



• Jingle Bell Rock • Let It Snow • Rocking Around The Christmas Tree • Rudolf The Red Nose Reindeer • Sleigh Ride • The Christmas Song • White Christmas • Winter Wonderland At present I’m leaning towards Jingle Bell Rock … Rudolf The Red Nose Reindeer (because the children can sing counterpoint with humorous lines) … or … Sleigh Ride (if I can get hold of some sleigh bells for the audience to provide the tempo with). I’ve decided against trying to find a nice Carole :-) Ian Abbott merry christmas war is over - lennon? So this is Christmas And what have you done Another year over And a new one just begun And so this is Christmas I hope you have fun The near and the dear ones The old and the young A very merry Christmas And a happy New Year Let’s hope it’s a good one Without any fear And so this is Christmas War is over For weak and for strong If you want it For rich and the poor ones War is over The world is so wrong Now And so Happy Christmas War is over For black and for white If you want it For yellow and red ones War is over Let’s stop all the fight Now A very merry Christmas And a happy New Year Let’s hope it’s a good one Without any fear And so this is Christmas War is over And what have we done If you want it Another year over War is over And a new one just begun Now And so Happy Christmas War is over I hope you have fun If you want it The near and the dear one War is over The old and the young Now A very merry Christmas And a happy New Year



Let’s hope it’s a good one Without any fear War is over if you want it War is over now John Lennon Bill Dawson Hi Ian, I would strongly suggest "Imagine" by John Lennon as a Humanist Hymn

IMAGINE

Imagine there’s no heaven It’s easy if you try No hell below us Above us only sky Imagine all the people Living for today. Imagine there’s no countries It isn’t hard to do Nothing to kill or die for And no religion too Imagine all the people Living life in peace. You may say I’m a dreamer But I am not the only one I hope someday you’ll join us And the world will be as one. Imagine no possessions I wonder if you can No need for greed and hunger A brotherhood of man Imagine all the people Sharing all the world. You may say I’m a dreamer But I am not the only one I hope some day you’ll join us And the world will live as one. John Lennon Howard Kimberley Actually - that’s not a bad idea Howard! We could ask Yoko if we might adopt it! What do others think? We have talked about this before I know and Hanne announced the other night at conference that there is some funding available to help us ’write’ our own humanist music. The trouble is that I think a lot of us feel it needs to be ’known’ and something that can stir people in a way that, say, Nimrod does. Perhaps adopting an



already well known and loved song with the right words for us would be a better thing to do than to come up with something that no-one would ever remember or know the words to ......... Pam Burn I took part in a memorial service at the local crem a few months ago. I was sandwiched between a CofE vicar and an RC priest. They huddled together and made schoolboy, rather sniggering jokes about ’singing from the same hymn sheet’ and the RC who spoke after me said some fairly rabid things about unbelievers. The crem staff were appalled and rallied round me afterwards in case I was upset. But more people than I expected thanked me for speaking for them. When it comes to carols/songs, how about the twelve days of Christmas? I think everyone knows the tune and most can remember the words as far as the five gold rings. The only religious bit is the first phrase ’On the first day of Christmas’ and as we all talk about the festival as Christmas (apart from extreme fundamentalists) I don’t see why anyone should take offense. Good luck - I’m sure you’ll be the best. ChristineRiley Moger The only problem with that Christine is the fact that the Twelve days of Christmas is a song of Christian symbolism: 1 True Love refers to God 2 Turtle Doves refers to the Old and New Testaments 3 French Hens refers to Faith, Hope and Charity, the Theological Virtues 4 Calling Birds refers to the Four Gospels and/or the Four Evangelists 5 Golden Rings refers to the first Five Books of the Old Testament, the "Pentateuch", which gives the history of man’s fall from grace. 6 Geese A-laying refers to the six days of creation 7 Swans A-swimming refers to the seven gifts of the Holy Spirit, the seven sacraments 8 Maids A-milking refers to the eight beatitudes 9 Ladies Dancing refers to the nine Fruits of the Holy Spirit 10 Lords A-leaping refers to the ten commandments 11 Pipers Piping refers to the eleven faithful apostles 12 Drummers Drumming refers to the twelve points of doctrine in the Apostle’s Creed Ian Abbott Thread 8

Emotions at Funerals

I have just lost a best friend of 45 years aged 57. I cannot do the ceremony (Not that I was asked, she was an agnostic as is her husband, my oldest mate---she wanted a vicar so that no-one was offended). She was fully mentally OK all through her short illness, so planned her funeral. The problem I have, and please excuse this self indulgence and self pity, is that all the poetry that i have on file and which I am perfectly capable of reading without getting emotionally involved now has acquired special meaning and I was shattered reading some last night. How do i get through my next funeral without cracking. I appreciate that there are members here who have lost much closer people than friends. I am singing a "Spiritual" with 3 friends at the ceremony. Yes I know. But I will have my fingers crossed, and it’s a great song. I Hope I can do it without breaking down. My dead friend promised me that if there is anything after death she will let me know. Don’t hold your breath!! Martin Fowkes So sorry to hear of the death of your friend Martin. I think it is very difficult to offer advice in this sort of situation as we are all so unique and respond differently according to our own personalities and behaviour. One of the major problems with regard to the death of a close one is that because it is a fairly rare occurrence for us we often cannot predict our own behaviour under such circumstances. The opportunity to participate in your friends funeral can be viewed as a great privilege allowing you to say goodbye to her in your own way using a poem or reading to reflect how you felt about her, even if the funeral is not congruent with your beliefs.



Perhaps if you feel that you are going to be very emotional for a while afterwards, you might consider a short period of ’time out’ to allow you to get over what is obviously a fairly traumatic event for you. Only you know what is best for you, but from my perspective, I feel we owe each family we work with our full attention during the time we work with them, un -encumbered by our own ’baggage’. I don’t mean this to sound harsh and we are all human after all, but the professional ’hat’ has to go on when we venture out to meet a bereaved family, despite whatever physical or emotional turmoil we might have gone through. We owe them that courtesy, and if for whatever reason we are unable to provide that, then it is up to us to have a a recuperative period until we are ready to work again. I realise this sounds a bit soap boxy and I apologise for that, but we sometimes need to take care of ourselves if we are to take (care) of others during the limited time we have with the bereaved. Tina Pritchard On re-reading your post, always difficult to do when replying spontaneously, I see you are not reading at your friends funeral, but singing so ignore the first bit of advice. Would it be possible for you to do a short reading? I read at a relatives funeral and found I pretty much went into ’officiant mode’ - a catch in the voice and a tear shed, would not be judged harshly I can assure you. Tina Pritchard

On re-reading your post, always difficult to do when replying spontaneously, I see you are not reading at your friends funeral, but singing so ignore the first bit of advice. Would it be possible for you to do a short reading? I read at a relatives funeral and found I pretty much went into ’officiant mode’ - a catch in the voice and a tear shed, would not be judged harshly I can assure you. Tina Pritchard Martin; I think you should try to ’use’ rather than ‘lose’ the experience. I apologise if this smacks of a lesson in egg-sucking but I think you touch on a very important point. There is a real danger that when we read the poems and prose that have become familiar to us (and increasingly so the more ceremonies we conduct) we can forget that to those who are suffering the pain of grief (or are hearing them for the first time) the significance of what is being said is not lost on them. There are ways of dealing with this. One is to keep alive the feelings you are experiencing now which will allow you to better empathise with other families. (Of course we all recognise that grief is different for everybody but we can sometimes forget that awful dull, leaden, surreal atmosphere that prevails when we have lost someone dear to us). Another is to constantly seek out new material … or return to old material that has fallen into neglect precisely because it seemed ‘stale’ to you (having read it so often). I would also suggest that for the next few ceremonies you develop a habit of reading (out loud) over and over again these very emotional verses almost to de-sensitise you from the impact they may have. It will not lose any significance to those hearing it for the first time. There … egg-sucking lesson over… sorry if it came across as patronizing Ian Abbott So sorry, Martin. People have already said so much that is wise. Just to add that I took the funeral of a fairly close friend, with trepidation. Luckily I didn’t know his wife and sons personally, though I knew a great deal about them all (and I still miss hearing about their lives). Before and during the ceremony I was surprised how much I went into "officiant mode" and how familiar it all seemed, and I kept telling myself that this was "just" another funeral. I think it was all fine. I don’t think it would be so if I took funerals of closer friends - I really think I couldn’t do that, but have been asked in advance ...! How do others deal with such requests? Again, so sorry. Sue Willson Thanks everyone, my problem is that as an officiant I can detach myself...almost, did a baby funeral, was ok until the mother broke down trying to read some words, the husband comforted her, both sobbing, they asked me to



continue the reading. it took me a minute to compose myself. My wife and I can blub at films quite easily, " Carousel" being our favourite. My friend was my best friend’s wife. My wife was her chief bridesmaid, I was best man. Every year we had a "We’re still here" dinner. I am being very self indulgent grieving for myself and in sympathy with her husband. Will be glad when it’s over. I suppose its like falling off a horse, you have to get back on. I hope the vicar is sensible ‘cos if not I will be so angry and will have to tell him some home truths afterwards Martin Fowkes So sorry about your friend, Martin. Just two things I’d like to add to the advice that’s been offered; the first is that emotion and tears are absolutely fine, and the second is that there’s only one thing worse than doing what you feel you ought to do - and that’s not doing it. Good luck. Chris Goodwin Martin, my deepest sympathies. I know what it is to lose a close friend and the only thing i can add to what everyone else has said is be kind to yourself. Counsellors and therapists take time out to grieve so why not officiants? It doesn’t have to be very long and then, as I think, Ian said, use it to help the families that you deal with. Nothing is wasted. Christine Riley Moger I remember a former celebrant, long since retired, who resumed taking funerals quite soon after his wife’s death. They never gave him any problem. Then, with a view to taking weddings himself, he sat in on a wedding I was officiating at, and became so distressed that he had to leave the room. Funny how things can sneak up on us... Richard Paterson thanks for every thing to everybody. Had funeral today. She was a non believer as is her husband, but knowing she had only days to live decided that she wanted things done "Properly" so asked for a vicar who to be fair did visit her a lot and no doubt took the opportunity to drag her into his great holiday camp in the sky. It was a double slot at the crem, I couldn’t do a eulogy but another mate did...brilliantly, but having time, the vicar really went to town with the psalms and John etc. If I had had my newspaper I would have started reading it, out of boredom and protest. I am sure now that I will be OK because that vicar has reminded me of the reason that I am doing this. Martin Fowkes

Thread 9

Data Protection Issues

Following on from one of the earlier discussions do people have any ideas as to whether officiants should register under the Data Protection Act? We do after all deal with confidential information. Roland Pascoe I’m sure we are protected because the subject is no longer living. Geraldine Jones Just in case, I do not keep families’ addresses for more than a week or so after the funeral. I store scripts on my PC. Sue Willson Thread 10

Advertising

I have recently completed my BHA training and am now a probationer. I am required to complete a couple of funerals on my own before being observed by a celebrant who will report back to BHA on how I am doing and whether I should be recommended for affiliation. To get the work I need to become affiliated I have been trekking around the local FD’s who are all very receptive and have assured me they will use my services when the family requests a non religious funeral. My question is has



anyone actually advertised in the local newspaper that BHA offer this service and how successful was this? Obviously this could be a very sensitive issue and a lot of thought would have to be put into the wording. Any other suggestions on how i could "market" my self and BHA? Wendy Weavin I think you mean ‘accredited’ when you say affiliated. During the training course there used to be a document that was given to all trainees explaining how to promote themselves but this may have changed. Contact head office and see if they have a spare copy. Ask your regional co-ordinator or local co-ordinator to pass on suitable commissions if and when they come in, usually the funerals of elderly persons who have died from natural causes. Ask the same of your mentor and also make it known to any other BHA celebrants in your area that you would appreciate any similar funerals that they are unable to do. With regards to local newspaper advertising. This will be costly and will not, in my experience, result in any where near the return that you get from personal contact with funeral directors. You need to build up a happy working relationship with them so that they immediately think of you when a funeral comes in, but it takes time. Best of luck and hope this helps. Howard Palmer Hello Wendy, You are already adopting the very best strategy by calling in person to see your local Funeral Directors. That really is the best way. It’s great to hear that you have already made the effort to go out and make yourself know to local FD’s, rather than just expecting the phone to start ringing with ceremony bookings. Whilst your RC and/or mentor will naturally help initially by putting a few ceremonies your way, it is through your own personal effort in building personal contact and ongoing working relationships with FD’s that your ’business’ will grow. Obviously FD’s need to be confident in recommending you to their clients so once you get going it’s a really sound idea to call in and show them any ’thank-you’ letters/cards/emails that you’ve received from families. (And in any case call in to see them at least every two or three months - because their front office arrangers often move around from one office or company to another). Ray Marsh Having been in your situation about a year ago I can only re enforce the important making the face to face contact. It gives you a chance to meet FD s and them to meet you. Arrange an appointment before hand, make up a pack for them with BHA leaflet, your contact details, a covering letter and if you can print a card or book marker with details so they can keep it their diary. Then slog round to them. I met some very good people on my visits. some i got work from some i did nt. its about relationship building. Do all that and repeat about once every six months to make sure they know that you still around. In terms of getting to the public, offer to give talks to groups, memorial services, stands at local events, local radio etc all raise awareness of your service. good luck and above all enjoy it. Roland Pascoe Did you leave copies of the ’to Celebrate a Life’ leaflet with the FDs having first attached your contact details? The leaflets are free from the BHA. I also have designed my own leaflet which I also leave with the FD (plagarised form other Celebrants!) Did you meet the FD or the ’arranger’. The ’arranger’ is the one you need to know. Are there other celebrants operating in your area? Do they know about you? Do know what fees others are charging? Have you visited the crems in your area? All things which will help you to become known. Good luck - it will all work out in time. Tim Chicken



Support for local and even individuals’ marketing is one of the (many) things I’m beginning to work on. Before too long I’m hoping to have a set of leaflets designed which celebrants can a) order online, b) customise with their own contact details and c) receive directly from the supplier. We’re about to start trying out this scheme with business cards. The system for ordering is being tested next week and I’ll give everyone details of how to use it once I’m sure it works. If this way of ordering business cards goes smoothly I’ll start working on the leaflets. But, in the meantime a local group in Suffolk have produced an advertisement which will go into a local directory of services there. I think it would serve well as a generic ad in local publications. In fact, the more people who start using similar ads, so we build up a consistent message, look and feel, the better. Building up a set of resources like this which everyone can use easily is part of the marketing strategy I’m working on. But for now, if you want to have a look at this ad and see if it’ll work for you, why not? Just let me know. For this ad, the Suffolk group is using part of the budget of £200 which CMC has secured for local groups to market themselves. So, if you wanted to put the ad in others’ contact details too, that budget would also be available to you. Tana Wollen An standard basis for an advert could well be just the thing, Tana. And as you know, I have asked if any financial help is available from the BHA for the following project - perhaps the funding available to local groups would be the way to get that. The rep wants a speedy reply - it all seems to be a bit last minute - and I know this may well not be possible this time. Let me explain. Stoke-on-Trent City Council has just commissioned a new glossy Bereavement Guide to be produced by Network UK Creative Marketing Solutions: www.networkuk.net. It will be given to all registering a death. A rep from that company visited me, hoping that I would place an advert. I am sure that other local authorities must be producing similar guides and be looking for advertisers. Several of us who sometimes do funerals in Stoke are discussing this. It is quite a lot of money if it doesn’t bring us any work. And if it brought a lot of work, there aren’t yet enough of us to cope. However, the general feeling seems to be that we should go ahead rather than miss this opportunity for publicity. Because the BHA is a charity we could have a quarter page ad for £3 per week instead of £5 for 2 years with no VAT. This would be paid in 4 installments of £78: now, in May when the proofs should be ready, in June when the first printing is done, and July when the Guide is first given to the public. Then no more payments for 2 years. Incidentally, I spoke to the Registrars’ / Bereavement Care office in Stoke hoping to clarify a few points and just check up on the project really. The person I spoke to knew nothing of this new Guide, nor that registrars elsewhere are taking funerals. Her boss comes back from leave on Monday, so I will see if I get any more from them. Typical lack of co-ordination: all one can do is laugh wryly, I think. Anyway, it seems that this is one way of becoming much more widely known. Has anyone else been approached to advertise in such a Guide, and did you? Sue Willson Yes I would be interested in seeing the Suffolk advertisement and then perhaps approach a local newspaper to check the rates. Would it be possible to see the ad? I would say that most bereaved people choose a FD from a local paper, so if BHA could advertise along with FD’s then surely the bereaved may have a BHA contact when they contact FD. Wendy Weavin Thread 11

Memory Boxes etc for Bereaved Children

Tomorrow I conduct a ceremony for a man who died young, leaving a daughter aged 10 and a son aged 7.



One of his greatest friends is a counsellor for Winston’s Wish (those of you who attended the conference 4 years ago might remember the talk we had) who work to support children through bereavement. He has organised memory boxes for the children and made a lovely suggestion: after the ceremony all the mourners are being given a picture of the deceased with his wife and 2 children which has been made into a postcard with their names and addresses printed on the reverse side. The mourners will all write a memory that they will treasure and send it to the children by post. The children will then keep them in their memory boxes . How lovely! I daresay it’s taken quite a bit of work and organisation but what a wonderful way to treasure their father in the future. Well worth remembering I think. Alison Orchard What a lovely idea Alison! As you say a lot of work but every effort is worth such a splendid gift for his children to treasure all their lives. I can imagine how much comfort and pleasure that will bring them when grown up with their own families - to know that their father was loved by so many. Thanks for passing that on. Pam Burn Thanks, Alison for a lovely idea. I have to see a widower with two children aged 7 and 5 who will both attend their mother’s funeral on 2nd November so if they would like to do that there is enough time to organise it. I have introduced several families to Winston’s Wish, it’s a super charity, but this is a new idea to me. ChristineRiley Moger What a lovely idea. I have recently done two ceremonies for young men, one with a 4 month old baby and the second with a one year and a two year old. Both widows expressed sadness that their children will never really know their father(s) and I suggested that they buy a nice hard backed book (there are some lovely ones available) and ask all their friends and relatives to write a memory or something about the deceased so that the children could read this when they were older. I then reminded people not to forget to contribute to the ‘memory book’ at the end of the ceremony. Win Tadd I have revisited this idea for my suicide funeral this week and Winston’s wish have sent me a template for postcards (which have a tree rather than a picture of the deceased). If you’d like a copy, send me an email to which I can attach it to a reply: [email protected] Alison Orchard Just a reminder that many Branches of Cruse are able to give bereaved children one-to-one support in their own localities, and that the Cruse website for bereaved children and young people - www.rd4u.org.uk - is a well regarded resource which also has helpline details. Richard Paterson Thread 12

Double slot funerals

Hi, I am officiating at a funeral next Wednesday for a man who was an international equestrian trainer and was "big" in the horse world. The Horse and Hound news editor is writing a piece about him and his contribution to riding. Does any one have any poetry/readings that include a reference to horses that would be appropriate? (for examples see under horses) Aside - this is a double slot funeral, do celebrants usually ask for a higher fee for a longer funeral? Wendy Weavin




Apropos double slot funerals I did one a couple of weeks ago and did not charge extra. Don’t know what the official view is though! Ros Curtis Re your query on fees for a double slot, I think the ’official’ view would be that it is very much up to you! Like Ros, I don’t charge extra myself but then, everyone’s circumstances and ways of working are different. If Alison or Vanessa are around, it would be interesting to have their views. Pam Burn I, personally, don’t charge any more for a double slot, not least of all because, at my local Crem (Exeter), they charge, what I consider to be, an extortionate fee for the additional slot. If the ceremony is to be in 2 different places (eg if the ceremony is at the Funeral Director premises and followed by a committal at the Crem), I charge a little extra (£150 rather than £135), however. Alison Orchard The North London group suggest the usual fee plus a half for a double slot. Robert Mill In Wales we don’t charge extra for a double slot. In many cases a double slot is booked as a precaution against over-running, but the ceremony may exceed the normal length only by a little, or not at all. Richard Paterson

Tips

I’m new at this, and I have a dilemma. I’ve just had my first thank you letter, which I was thrilled to received. Tucked inside was another envelope, with the message "please have a nice meal, in X’s memory, with the enclosed. You’ve earned it!" There’s enough money in the envelope for the suggested meal. Am I allowed to accept this? I’m from a financial background, where such things were frowned upon, for obvious reasons. I know that this is a nice problem to have - and may lead to "are you bragging or complaining" type comments, but I’d be grateful for a bit of guidance. If I am allowed to accept it, would I be right thinking that I need to declare it for tax purposes? All help gratefully received. Thanks Lesley Arnold-Hopkins Hi Lesley … Welcome to the BHA. I’ve checked the rules about this for you (so there’s no need for you to double check it). I think you’ll find that all gratuities, tips etc should be forwarded to Ian Abbott at Wavecrest, Hackensall Rd … (for my full address send me an e-mail). But on this occasion I’ll let you keep it ... have a nice meal ;-) Ian Abbott May I update you with the fact that the old ruling about sending it to Ian has been replaced by the latest ruling which states that in order to avoid sending it to Ian (With all the worry of whether it might go missing in the post and having to pay for special recorded delivery etc.), you are now required to invite certain colleagues in your local area to the said meal. (See page four of the new ruling; item two, sub section three, para one) which instructs that the invitees should include the person who was your regional co-ordinator when you joined us - and the person who was your mentor. :-) Ray Marsh



Hello Lesley and welcome - or, as you are after all a Hopkins, Croeso! This used to happen more often years ago when our ceremonies were much less well-known, and I think clients might not have realised that we get a fee! I think, strictly speaking, you should declare it as a ’tip’ but it is not going to happen often, and to treat it that way would rather go against the spirit in which it was given. After all, it might just as easily have been a bunch of flowers or box of chocs which you couldn’t declare. Enjoy the meal and best wishes! Richard Paterson

Websites

I am considering creating a website (or rather more accurately getting someone else to do it for me!) for my work as a celebrant. Has anyone else done this? If so, has it been useful? cost-effective? easy? Any information gratefully received. Alison Orchard I have a website created a long time ago (see my picture - at least three stone ago I reckon!). I personally think they are a good idea particularly for showing photos, videos and testimonials of weddings and baby namings. The web is a great place to show people what a fabulous and genuine thing a humanist ceremony is. But you have to keep it fresh and up to date - with web 2.0 it should be interactive too - so not just a brochure on the web but a dynamic place. That being said as I am not a tech-head and mine was set up by a student in 2001 so it’s anything but dynamic! Gotta tidy it up methinks - another task for the list. But if I were you yes I would go for it Alison - other celebrants certainly have websites - and I think I’ve noticed it tends to be those who are portfolio workers like me. Caroline Black Caroline, you make your own case for the value of the web - within 30 seconds of my reading your post, I had found via Google, just what a portfolio worker is! Re a website, I am influenced by seeing the often derelict websites of small firms and voluntary organisations etc which were started with a blaze of enthusiasm and then abandoned either because they were too much trouble to maintain or the only person who could do so had moved on. I know one organisation where the many individual Branches have their own pages on a main site, and wonder whether that is something Humanist Ceremonies could contemplate for individual celebrants? Richard Paterson I have one -not sure how useful it is vis a vis families -if you want to make sure you pop up when googling it is quite expensive ! Fiona Sloman Once we’ve got the new BHA website up and running we could certainly look at creating - and hosting - a ’family’ of websites for celebrants (it’s something we’ve been talking about) and we could also create a template that would make it very easy for celebrants who wanted this to build their own individual sites. I am sure some celebrants will want to maintain something that looks and feels different, but there could be advantages in celebrant websites having a similar ’look’ while making sure you are still free to create your own unique content. We’ve also wondered about creating a set of standard email addresses - eg [email protected] (or something like that) which would automatically take emails to your own inbox. It would be interesting to know how celebrants feel about this. Hanne



One of the many tasks on my ’To Do’ list is to come up with templated designs for websites, leaflets and advertisements which individual celebrants and local groups of celebrants in Humanist Ceremonies could use for their own and local marketing and promotion. These would help to give everyone’s promotion a consistent look and wording whilst allowing for different personal styles. They would of course be arrived via a process of consultation! These promotional and marketing tools would form part of our assistance for local groups’ plans to develop and build more work in their areas. As you proceed with your own plans, be aware that this is in the pipeline. It would be great if you can share your design ideas and wording for your websites with me so there’ll be grist already in the in the mill. Tana Wollen I purchased a domain name 3 years ago - www.humanistceremonies.com, and still haven’t got round to creating pages. The task seems overwhelming so if we can be given assistance or space through the BHA that would be excellent. Linda Morgan Having had a site created by my nephew a few years ago I would concur with the problems of having it maintained ’at a distance’. I have been working on creating another site for myself as it’s a skill I want to have. Purchased ’Serif Internet Design’ (less that 50 quid from PC World) which has certainly proved fairly easy to use so far but it is a time-consuming business. Peter Herridge I am trying to get some funding for new businesses, to get a website, and some marketing materials, so I would be happy to share the experience as we go along. Janice Thornton Hello, I’m new to this having just reached probationary status, but this is my second posting this evening and i think it’s great being able to communicate via this forum with so many others who are generous with their words of advice! Keeping your own website up to date is time consuming and expensive if it’s to be effective, so I would be interested in paying towards one via the BHA site. Lorraine Barrett This discussion is very interesting and valuable. Thank you. It’s pointing to a need I felt certain existed - ie to develop website templates which could be customised by individuals but which would have consistent look and feel and functionality – i.e. be individually yours but clearly part of the same family. And have these hosted by the BHA. I’ll consult with Bob Churchill here and with CMC re development plans for next year. Tana Wollen I have contacted a number of web designers and they seem to fall into 2 camps: those who see me as just a a small business and will do a relatively cheap job and those who do a premium job (quoting well over £1,000) I have had some ideas which make it all rather complex, I think; the main one being that I can have my readings and other documents on it which are password protected and can be accessed by people for whom I am preparing ceremonies. I remain undecided about what to do. Alison Orchard

Pre-need Scripts

Thread 1

Tips for writing



I have been contacted by a man (55) who has a couple of months at the most left to live and would like to write his own funeral script with help from me. Any tips? Anne Victoria Denning There are a number of pitfalls here Firstly, you may only have a supporting role to play here, which is extremely difficult, because if he chooses not to follow your advice it might not run as smoothly as you would wish. You will need to be very clear from the outset what he wants your role to be. Secondly, if the content is not humanistic you will need to say whether or not you can live with it. If he wants a hymn included you will need to decide what you course of action will be before you visit. A lady I visited wanted to include "all things bring and beautiful", because it brought back happy memories of schooldays. She had only a few days to live; she was connected to an oxygen machine and her mother and sister were there. I had to tell her that she would need to be speaking to somebody else as I personally could not have the assembly singing a hymn, and I put her in touch with a local secular ceremonies person who will allow the odd hymn and prayer as requested. The sister was quite angry. I have found visiting terminally ill people difficult because they seem to be more likely to consider the feelings of the people who are going to be there rather than their own convictions. Hope that helps; I’m aware I rambled on a bit there! Linda Morgan This can be a very rewarding thing to do - but is likely to be much less problematic if you involve the Next of Kin, or whoever is likely to be organising the funeral as well if your client agrees. That way, you won’t find all your work wasted if someone else is commissioned to do the funeral. We do have some suggestions on charging for work like this as well, as you have no guarantee of getting paid - we circulated suggestions from the Yorkshire group to all regions a while back which were agreed in principle which may help - e-mail me on [email protected] if you want a copy. The last one I did was actually great fun, as I was working with someone who had a great sense of humour and it was a very moving and funny ceremony as a consequence. His wife really liked working on it with me through the final days and as well. Beware the emotional stress - it can be somewhat demanding! Gill Herbert Gill’s advice about working with NoK as well if possible is good. When I did my first of these, the chap who was dying told me that his ’partner’ (with whom he did not live) was a strict Catholic and he wanted to make sure that his funeral was what he wanted and not a ’bells and smells’ job which she would organise! He assured me that he had made all this clear to her. He did discuss what he was doing with his son (his NoK and his executor) and the son actually phoned me within half an hour of the death and we sorted everything out and I got a lot more personal stuff to include in the ceremony. I sent the son the draft and he (mistakenly, he later admitted) shared it with the ’partner’. There followed some 10 days of pestering phone calls from this lady seeking to make changes which included "just a wee prayer" or "this lovely piece" from some pope’s writings, etc. The son was clearly terrified of her and only at my absolute instance, contacted her and told her, politely, to lay off and that the funeral ceremony would be as his father had arranged with me. So making sure they know what is being planned is good advice. Also ensure that (s)he leaves a letter to the NoK if they can’t be present with you, said letter to say that you are the celebrant whom they wish to take this humanist funeral in accordance with their wishes. Have a copy of it yourself. These are challenging ceremonies to tackle but can be incredibly satisfying too.. Pam Burn I find this aspect of our work incredibly rewarding and hope you do, too.



I don’t believe that too much input from the deceased into their funeral is always a good idea: just too much subjectivity I suppose. I found this particularly so in a ceremony in which the deceased asked me to play a CD on which he had recorded a ’message’ for his friends and family. It was very moving but, inclined to be a bit sentimental, it was heart wrenching, too. I don’t believe many people actually heard what he had to say because the stress of hearing his voice was so great. I usually try and work with the dying to find out what music, readings etc they want and get a feel for the personality involved and leave it at that. I guess others may disagree. I am currently working with 2 dying people and was phoned by a dying woman’s daughter yesterday and I wonder if requests for us to work in this way will be increasing as awareness grows about our ceremonies. I have asked Tana if we can have some CPD on this subject because it is important and can be challenging. A word of warning, too. If you haven’t seen many dying people before, it can be a bit of a shock. The woman with cancer of the face took some stomaching. Last thing (I think): I usually charge a little extra when the time comes because it invariably requires 2 or more family visits. Alison Orchard I visited my terminally ill client and his wife yesterday morning and found him such a positive person with such a good sense of humour. We talked about how he changed his life around from a few ’hippy’ years in the ’70s to becoming the Commissioning Manager for Drug and Alcohol Dependency in the West Midlands. He chose the music and a poem and had a reading by the Dalai Lama (see below) that he wants included. I came home and began writing the script intending to e-mail it to him as requested. Unfortunately this morning I had a phone call to say he died during the night. It will be interesting to see whether I feel any different during the funeral next week having actually met Andy & knowing that this ceremony was written with him.

We are visitors on this planet

We are here for 90 or 100 years at the most During that period, We must try to do something good Something useful with our lives. If you contribute to other people’s happiness You will find the true goal, The true meaning of life will let you know how it goes Have just got in from Andy’s funeral & feel exhausted. An hour is a long time to be standing & talking, the heating was on full blast, as was my thermal vest and there were mourners standing three deep along the sides, back & up the centre aisle. Andy had looked very thin and ill when I met him, nothing like the picture on the Order of Ceremony, so in one sense it was as if he was a different person. Knowing he had chosen the music and readings was good. He chose the Goons Ying Tong Song for the committal - I bet that hadn’t been played many times before! His two children sat on the front row and despite a few tears, they smiled at the funny stories. Andy’s brother who is training to be a deacon spoke and I had to cough loudly when he included a religious bit!!! It was good to be able to pass the Cruse web site for kids on to his widow after the conference this weekend. Some lovely comments afterwards, which makes it all worthwhile. Anne Victoria Denning Thread 2



Becoming emotional

Help please. I am soon to visit a gentleman who is terminal and humanist/ atheist. For the first time I am worried. It is one thing to be detached at a funeral and to give a tribute to someone you don’t really know, but when you have visited someone who is brave enough to invite you to perform his funeral how do you avoid becoming personally attached. I have on a couple of occasions felt the old throat start to seize because of the love that the family have expressed. i know its down to me as a BHA "Professional" but I am worried. Any advice please??? Martin Fowkes Martin, don’t worry. I’ve been in this position several times now and it is actually reassuring to know that you are doing what you know the deceased person truly wanted. Nobody minds if you stop to recover for a moment, when the lump comes in your throat. I find it useful to have a glass of water handy if I think I might crumble. Family members appreciate that you took the trouble to meet their ’loved one’ (shades of Evelyn Waugh!) and understand and forgive your emotion. So long as you don’t give up altogether and blub you’ll be fine. I still have two people whom I saw early last year who expected life to be over by now, and one I met the year before. I thought he had died and the family made other arrangements but I felt it would be intrusive to phone to find out. Then I got a letter from him saying he still wanted me to do it but he felt a bit stronger and had moved house! I think just making the arrangements gives people control and helps them to accept their more or less imminent death. They relax and enjoy what they have left and find it’s more than they expected. The people I have dealt with in this situation have all been nice caring people who want to ease the burden on their family. Some have had such interesting lives and tell me things that their children don’t know. One woman said ’ My kids don’t know this but I want you to tell them because it will make them laugh.’ I feel it a great privilege to be trusted in this way. That’s enough waffling - time for bed. Christine Riley - Moger Hi, Martin. I have now visited quite a few people like this - some dying, some not. If the person is dying, I find they are really pleased to discuss things and you can ask all the things you would ask at a family visit and perhaps leave them to think about stuff and fill out your info form as usual. I always now send a filled in Running order/format of the ceremony for info for them and me after the visit cos I have something on file. I always promise to go back to see the family after the death for a short visit to agree stuff. I have also come to realise that partners/family will often not wish to talk to me at first visit and often leave the room, but that’s OK and sometimes I have found myself trying to explain to the ’dying person’ why family don’t wish to join in the discussion. Different perspectives. PS Have often taken the chance to mention a ’double slot’ if a lot of tributes/music and ask them to mention it to FD. When the funeral arrives, I tend to feel a greater connection with the person who had died, but I find that uplifting, not upsetting. Hope this helps June Williams Did the visit, he has a few days left although he thinks a few weeks. very interesting man, funny thing was at the end before I left he said "I have written a book you know", and he has ...an autobiography. It’s got everything I need in there. he was matter of fact, a scouser by birth, Scottish by adoption...something good to get my teeth stuck in to. Thanks for your help and I think your right re a double slot. Martin Fowkes Hi Martin - I’m glad that the visit went OK for you. I have done several funerals for people I have met beforehand and have a few where I am ’in the will’!! I have found the people themselves to be relatively easy to work with (though it is obviously sad to see the physical deterioration that often occurs) and, as June I think said, they are



often relieved to be able to exercise a degree of control over what happens after their death as well as taking some of the burden away from their families and friends. The only time I had a problem was on the death of a man I had visited 2/3 times who was a well known scientist in rather an arcane field and he was absolutely adamant that he wanted nothing religious at all at his funeral. He had quite complicated domestic arrangements which included a wife from whom he was not divorced (but they had been apart formally but amicably for some years) and a partner to whom he was devoted but who was a devout catholic. He had one son and daughter in their 40’s and he was concerned that all the arrangements were made in advance so that his beloved partner did not get the chance to arrange a full funeral mass! Despite him leaving a letter which contained all his instructions and the preliminary work which I had done with him and which laid out clearly what he wanted, the son gave the partner my ’phone number and she proceeded to bombard me with calls every morning at about 0850 trying like mad to get me to admit something ’prayerful’. I stood my ground as politely as I could but in the end had to call the son and tell him that he, as executor of the will and legal next of kin, had to put a stop to her efforts to derail his father’s funeral! He asked if I would do it if he gave me carte blanche to deal with her!!! Obviously I said not on your nellie (or words to that effect) and he had to step in. It all went well in the end but it was a lesson in how difficult these things can become when you have completely opposing views to face and you are simply trying to do what the deceased wanted! Thankfully, I have only had that experience once with a pre-planned funeral! Pam Burn I do pre-need visits. Some have turned into needs some have just been people inquiring about planning their own funeral. The ones that have resulted in a ceremony being carried out have been emotional yes but that’s how I work. Just be very aware of what your boundaries are. For example I say that I will talk to the person or the family about any aspect of the ceremony but I am not a counsellor, social worker or a legal adviser. So far it seems to have worked. I have been very aware that if I can set someone’s mind at rest before they die then its no bad thing but for my own protection I can’t get too close. The issue of "riding" the emotion of a ceremony is very interesting because I see that as part of reflecting back to the family some of the feelings that are around. So there are times when my voice goes or I weep. Interestingly enough I have had people tell that what I thought felt like a major pause as I struggled to say the next line , they felt was merely me taking a breath. For the folks who simply want to plan their ceremony I am very clear that I don’t write the ceremony for them but give general guidance. I always refer people to The Natural Death Center for more general advice but the impression I get is that individuals and families just want to have the time to talk to somebody in a clear minded way about the second most important event in their lives. Everyone is different so simply trust your gut reaction and don’t do something that you feel uncomfortable with. Roland Pascoe Thanks for all the advice, really appreciate it. Funeral is tomorrow, did the pre visit last night. very interesting man but it helps that he was not the sort that you felt any great empathy with so it is easy to not get involved. Difficult family, 5 kids by 1st marriage (Question "When were you happiest" answer "When my divorce came through") 8 step Kids by 2nd partnership--lots of baggage. I wasn’t told originally that he wanted to be buried with partner in a Churchyard. Vicar won’t allow Humanist ceremony so we are doing tribute at his house before hearse arrives. Proud Socialist, Proud Imperialist and ex - serviceman, Proud Scouser, Proud Scots Piper Flagpole in back garden so we will raise his flag as we play ----you’ve guessed it "You’ll never walk alone" Martin Fowkes Sounds like an interesting one Martin. One thing I don’t understand is how come you were not aware it was a burial in a churchyard. One question we always ask is: Are you planning a cremation or a burial? If the answer is a cremation then I’d ask which crem it is likely to be - and if the answer is a burial then the obvious next question is



’Whereabouts? local cemetery or ?? Anyway, hope it goes well. Ray Marsh Ray, I knew it was a burial but on the first visit I was more concerned about dealing with the client himself. Suppose I assumed it would be at the local cemetery . I have never obviously done a churchyard. Didn’t know he was going in same place as his wife and I knew I would get the details when he had gone and I needed to see the family. They were with me all the time I was with him so I was limited as to what I could ask them. Anyway it’s tomorrow, finished now just need to double check everything. Martin Fowkes

Humanist funerals & religion

Thread 1

Believers but no priests

I have two funerals this week for people who believed in god but didn’t want priests at their funeral. One a woman who was treated like a leper by the catholic church when she had a hysterectomy after being told that if she had a child she would have a good chance of dying. The second funeral for an alcoholic depressive who created her own strange belief system. So how have others handled such occasions? Obviously there will be no prayers or hymns but I have to mention their faith as it was part of who they were don’t I? Bill Dawson I have just provided a ceremony where the family wanted a prayer and a blessing. It turned out that this was provided by a baptist lay preacher. I took the view that I was not being asked to say something that I did’nt believe in so I wasn’t being hypocritical. If you are being asked to say something that in your belief is religious you can always say no. roland pascoe I tend to cover these situations by incorporating into the opening words something like: ’During ............’s journey through life ...........came to her/his own conclusions on these matters and as an officiant for the Brit. Hum. Ass. I have been asked to lead her/his funeral in the Humanist tradition as it is thought .................would have liked (or as ..............expressly wished)’ You can then elaborate on their belief if necessary, and distance yourself from it , and perhaps include an open ended quote/poem to tidy it up Geraldine Jones Interestingly enough I’ve had two similar experiences. One was for a family who explained they were Mormons. The widow said that whilst she and her children practiced their faith her husband was not a believer but nevertheless came to church meeting with her reasoning that being her husband he should be with her … then spent every service completing his newspaper crossword. He nevertheless became well liked by all the other ‘regulars’. She said that as he had accommodated her beliefs in life the very least she could do was accommodate his in death. It did cause the FD some concern when, knowing I was conducting the ceremony, he pulled up with the hearse to be greeted by half the congregation of the local Mormon Church and had a moments panic thinking he’d either brought the wrong body of had booked the wrong ‘minister’. The second was even more bizarre. The family described themselves … including the deceased … as ‘Born Again Christians’. I went to great lengths



explaining that Humanist ceremonies can have no religious content; no hymns, no prayers and they assured me they were well aware of that and wanted to meet me anyway. They explained that the man who died had recently attended the [Humanist] funeral of a friend and declared that was the ceremony he wanted. When we talked about their need to include Hymns and prayers, which I assumed would be an important part of their religious followings they simply said they were going from the Crem to their Church “and we can do all that there”. In both ceremonies I did not feel the need to go into convoluted explanations about why we were having a Humanist ceremony but simply “I am Ian Abbott; a Humanist Celebrant accredited by the British Humanist Association. This will be a ‘humanist’ funeral; a ceremony with no religious content. A humanist funeral is an opportunity to join in taking leave of someone we have loved but it is more than that. It is a celebration of the life and personality they have been; and in XXX’s case that has been a long life and a greatly loved personality” and used the rest of the time to do just that … celebrate his life! I just did a funeral for a family who were really clear that mum didn’t want any religion. We all arrived and the FD put a picture of the deceased by the coffin. once the Crematorium was full, she turned over another ;picture’ which turned out to be a saying in a language I didn’t know - translated below into ’We will see you again in heaven’ I just carried on with the ceremony and ignored it, but I feel very disrespected - particularly by the FD. Janice Thornton I sympathise. I usually (as I’m sure we all do) try to see all contributions before a ceremony. On one recent occasion, however, this didn’t happen. As soon as the speaker said "we are here to give thanks for the life of X", I knew we were in for a trip to superstitionsville. The reader finished her peace with the "hope that X has now found the peace that passeth all understanding" and got herself a little "amen" from the crowd. What could I do? I smiled very sweetly and thanked the speaker for HER thoughts, before carrying on in my usual godless fashion. Never work with Christians and animals, that’s how the phrase goes, isn’t it? Lesley Arnold-Hopkins Coming late to this discussion but this one was a lulu. I’d spent hours with two young people (19 and 22) planning the ceremony for their Dad. He was an avowed atheist and the children wanted his funeral to be completely non-religious. There were to be two contributions from Dad’s mates both of whom I firmly briefed about content and time. The first was perfect - 3 minutes of warm banter about a 20 year friendship. The second started off well then stretched into a twelve minute soliloquy ending with a sad bleat about the guy never having found god and a call to pray. The speaker was strident and forceful and any interruption from me would have created an embarrassing hiatus. We went over time, I got a roasting from the crem manager (not literally) and I still can’t work out what I could have done. Robert Dennell Perhaps these tales could be used to demonstrate to new trainees how important it is to have a full and frank discussion with both the family & funeral director. Thanks for the support and giggles you all provided. Janice Thornton

Thread 2

Royal Antediluvian Order of the Buffalos

Has anyone done a ceremony for a member of the ROAB where members of the Order do their farewell at the beginning of the ceremony. I have such a ceremony on Monday next and would be pleased to



hear what happens and how long this takes. Many thanks Win Tadd Win: it is farcical religious nonsense. They all gather around the coffin, link shoulders and the Chief Poo Bah (or whatever title he is) [he’ll be the one with the white gloves and walking cane] reads out the Buffalo’s incantation to The Lord on High, Our Gracious Saviour …and any other toe-curling epithet you can imagine… with laughable solemnity. Following my encounter with them I began a thread ‘Beware of Buffalo’s’ to warn others (but it’s dropped off the list now). I was fortunate in that my ceremony was the last of the day so I was able to conduct my ceremony then inform people that the Buff’s were going to conduct one of their rituals which is quite separate from our Humanist Ceremony but anyone who wanted to remain and observe this was welcome to do so. I then left. It takes (in all) about ten minutes for them to do their thing. Ian Abbott Yes the first time this happened to me I was not expecting the religious guff. It was embarrassing to say the least. The next family that told me that the Buffs would be there I told them what to expect and after discussion they decided to un invite them. Val Jackson I seem to remember a funeral for a member of the Loyal Order of Moose. but nothing untoward was done other than some sort of regalia being placed on the coffin. Different species, I suppose... Richard Paterson Thank you all for this. I did speak to the head ’buffalo’ and I informed the family that he had mentioned a hymn! Thankfully the family have insisted that there is to be no mention of god, heaven or anything else which smacks of religion. They have also insisted that the ’paying of respect’ by the ’Buffs’ should take no more than 5 minutes. I shall find out tomorrow! Win Tadd NO Laughing!!! Ian Abbott No doubt there is a great amount to laugh about in these fraternal societies such as Buffs, Masons, and in America too many to mention. Because they are very private organisations they are frightened to death of being called secret societies, and therefore major on their patriotism and piety. For some this becomes almost a religion. having said that they all do very good works and generally believe in good works rather than grace, which is why the Church hates them. The Buffs supplied ambulances in the first world war out of money from their own pockets. Masonic Funerals were v. popular some years ago but now frowned on. Martin Fowkes The mention of Freemasons reminds me of the thought that perhaps there should be a question on our application form asking the applicant if they are a mason (i.e. a member of a lodge and a currently active mason). The Freemasons accept people from most religions and they accept people with no religious faith too - BUT even if they are not ’religious’ they have to acknowledge a god or supreme being - an ’architect’ god as it were. So there shouldn’t be any Freemasons amongst us ......... erm, um, just wondered - but I s’pose if there are they’re not going to let on ..?... Ray Marsh During Manchester’s Moss Side riots in 1981 The RAOB Club stood very tall indeed by providing refreshments and accommodation for the 1000’s of extra police officers drafted in to deal with the problem. And when you consider the fact that their premises were (almost) in the middle of the worst of the unrest that was a very courageous stand to take. And far be it for me to deride any institute that sells cheap beer … anybody who does that can’t be all bad.



But I have to be honest … their funeral ritual for a comrade truly is farcical and has no place whatsoever in a Humanist ceremony. Ian Abbott Thanks Ian for summing up what I wanted to say. i.e. buffs etc. farcical and no part of a Humanist ceremony Val Jackson Thread 3

Hymns at Humanist Funerals

I was introduced last night to someone as "The British Humourist". Does anyone have suggestions on how to catalogue all the funerals completed. When I do a funeral it is natural that I will reuse some phrases, but the phrases differ obviously with the nature of the funeral. before I start i find myself looking through all my funerals looking for relevant words before i compose new ones. very time consuming but I can’t think of how to database all the phrases, poems etc. I was hoping to pick brains at Walton Hall in Nov but looks like I will be on Holiday. On another point i met a family who have booked a double slot. i was with them for an hour taking notes when they mentioned they wanted two Hymns. "Dad was an atheist but loved them".... "Jerusalem" and "Morning has broken". I was tempted to make my excuses and leave, but considered that I love "Jerusalem " always sing it at the top of my voice just like a Christmas Carol. Told them I refused to refer to them as Hymns, and that I would not sin "Morning" and would explain to the audience that "X was an atheist, didn’t believe a thin, but loved a good sing" did I do right???? Martin Fowkes I have used Morning has broken once or twice but made sure that the mourners are given a song sheet with the following amended words. Nobody seems to mind and its the tune that counts in most cases. I am not very good on computer but have made files labeled Suicide, Infant, Old person and General template. These contain forms that I have used in the past and a choice of paragraphs. It’s a useful starting point and saves a great deal of time although, of course, they all undergo changes almost every time and I add to them whenever I come across something good. I am in the process of filing a long, motley collection of poems into categories too. It works for me. Morning has broken, like the first morning Blackbird has spoken, like the first bird, Praise for the singing, praise for the morning, Praise for the springing fresh from the world. Sweet the rain’s new fall, sunlit and golden, Like the first dewfall on the first grass, Praise for the sweetness of the wet garden Sprung in completeness where our feet pass. Mine is the sunlight, mine is the morning, Born of the one light creation saw play. Praise with elation, praise every morning Dawn’s recreation of the new day. Christine Riley Moger Martin, regarding your family and their request for two hymns during your family visit - Surely it is standard practice to establish where they are coming from during the all important first telephone call when we are making the



appointment to see them. That is when we ask them to confirm that it is a non-religious ceremony that they are wanting - and make it clear that there will be no prayers or hymns. If it still comes up later there are ways of getting around it like playing an instrumental version of the said hymn, or, as Christine says - change the words if they want to sing it. I will certainly not ’lead’ the singing of a hymn with all the religious words and connotations - that would be a compromise too far. it would be seen as hypocritical, and lets never forget that we are there as a celebrant representing the BHA. Ray Marsh I agree with Ray that the initial telephone call is the time to establish the no hymns and prayers approach. I find that most people now seem to know this, whereas a few years ago more people were surprised. We must be making progress ... And I too find that a Readings folder in Word with subfolders - Hobbies, Animals, Looking Forwards etc etc - is very useful for storing poems and other pieces. Sue Willson A gentle prompt just to ascertain that this is what they want, or their loved one wanted is totally appropriate and can save a lot of confusion and upset later on if for example they were thinking along the lines of a ’pick and mix’ funeral. Sometimes the FD has not properly clarified what it is we offer and it is in my opinion a great deal worse to find out that the family does not want a Humanist funeral after all, during the family meeting (although of course there is the potential for this to occur) Tina Pritchard As a newcomer, and obviously not being too busy at the start of things. I have taken the opportunity, being a right little swot, to list all the nice relevent phrases under headings such as ’Introduction’, Thoughts’ etc. When I have a funeral, I then go through them, find one or two that I feel fit the bill, jiggle them about a bit, add a bit of my own, until I am satisfied. It works for me, but you are obviously very experienced, and could have a long job ahead of you with a lot of material to go through. Best of luck. Christina Brand ……………………… You will not be popular with FD’s if they don’t know quite quickly that they have to start again and try to book a tame vicar or a ’pick and mix independent’. Being able to get back to the FD immediately after the initial phone call to the family gives them time to sort out the situation - but by the time you have been to keep the appointment with the family - and only then found there is a problem, you could be three days down the line and will have left the FD and the family with little time to make other arrangements. …………… Ray Marsh I would just like to add an experience of mine which I think serves to illustrate that you cannot always be sure at the outset of the clients understanding of a Humanist ceremony. It concerned a direct approach, rather than through a funeral director, from the father - a member of the BHA. You would think it safe to assume a level of understanding which was, I’m afraid, not there, and I wasted 2 hours and a 60 mile round trip - the ceremony was carried out by an aunt of the deceased man so as to offend the sensibilities of the Hindu mother. Linda Morgan More often than not my telephone calls are quite brief and not in the least interrogatory. I explain that I’ve called to say hello & introduce myself and also to make arrangements to meet the family to discuss ceremony and talk about (… name of deceased …) life. After doing that I end with … “Just before I go may I clarify one thing? Knowing (… name of FD …) you’ve probably already had this conversation but I need to check that you are aware that Humanist ceremonies can have no religious content: no hymns or prayers”. This is usually met with “That’s exactly why we want a Humanist ceremony”



Far from being offended or upset they are frequently reassured. However, on one or two occasions, it has been answered with “Well my Aunty Margaret just wants to say one little prayer; but that will be okay won’t it?” After a few explanatory sentences and, assuming Aunty Margaret is somewhat intransigent (Aunty Margaret’s often are); I reassure them that I’m not offended and impress on them the importance that they get the ceremony they need. That way I can (as Ray says); refer them back to the FD as quickly as possible so that a grieving family are spared any unnecessary distress ... and possible embarrassment. Ian Abbott Absolutely right Ian, that is exactly what happened to me yesterday afternoon. A great deal of time was saved for me and the client and no-one was at all upset and the FD was pleased to be notified promptly. Like the old song says "It ain’t what you say it’s the way that you say it." Most people with any interviewing skills can obtain this kind of information quite painlessly. Of course, if you get to the interview and find that ’Aunty Margaret’ has popped up unexpectedly at the last minute and is being taken into consideration by the family then it’s simply hard luck and one of those things. I have solved this in the past by suggesting that said aunt gets to say her piece at the interment or scattering etc. and sometime it’s accepted and sometimes not. When it’s not accepted I regretfully bow out and immediately contact the FD with my apologies. C’est la vie! Christine Riley Moger Thread 3 Continued This more or less continues Martin’s post ’A Number of Things’. Here is the scenario: You have established over the phone that the family are not expecting prayers or hymns. You arrive and establish the rapport that we try to achieve. Well into the visit, they produce a poem that the granddaughter, the apple of the deceased’s eye, would like you to read. It is a prime example of the mawkish ’god only picks the best’ type of stuff we have all come across. They are an unsophisticated family and it is clear that there is no-one else to read it, but it is important to the granddaughter that it should be read. What do you do? Say no or, on the day, explain that though this is not a religious ceremony, you have been specially asked to read a particular poem, then grit your teeth and do it? Richard Paterson This scenario is an awkward one - personally I will not read any such poem containing religious references. I’ve got around it on some occasions by suggesting a bit of agreed imaginative editing (deleting or changing words if there are only one or two religious references). Another idea that I’ve suggested is for them to have a printed ’order of ceremony’ and have the said poem printed within it rather than having it read out. This has been taken up a few times now. Another compromise is to offer to sit down to one side while a relative or friend reads the offending poem during the ceremony. (Surprising how often someone will decide they can cope with doing a reading if they realise that we will not do it on principle). The thing is, I suppose, that we need to be very aware of the signals we send to FD’s and mourners about Humanist non-religious ceremonies if we ’allow’ religious stuff to creep in. Ray Marsh Families often pick up from my body language when I consider a poem unsuitable; this happened last week. ’I saw you wince’ said the widow. I can usually offer another reading/poem that carries just as much love without the mawkish religious content. On the few occasions when I’ve been unable to prevail I’ve done the same as Ray. Once or twice, when no-one in the family has been able to read, I’ve asked the FD to do it and it works fine. The one that sticks in my mind is when a ten year old boy who had just been to his much loved grandfather’s funeral lost his dad in a car crash. He



desperately wanted his dad to have what his Granddad had - The lord’s prayer and All things bright. What to do? The family insisted they wanted a humanist funeral and begged me to do it. The FD turned up trumps - I announced that the next few minutes were especially for the boy and sat down away from the lectern. FD led prayer and hymn. I think I did the right thing but I’m sure some would not agree. It seems quite a few FDs are closet celebrants. Christine Riley Moger I’m almost embarrassed to admit I’m a teeth-gritter, especially when it comes to the work of children: not reading their poem about angels/heaven/whatever and explaining why feels akin to telling them the truth about Father Christmas! Alison Orchard I found myself in just this situation recently, and I suggested some amendments to the granddaughter’s poem to enable me to read it, but because it was written from the heart she wanted it as it was. I’m afraid I couldn’t read aloud "I’m glad you’re with Granddad now" and an uncle read it for her. Linda Morgan

Celebrant or Officiant?

I have sort of got used to using the word officiant. It is far from ideal. It is unfamiliar, people don’t always get the hang of it, it sounds a bit like officious. We are frightened of minister because of its religious connotations: but we have ministers in the cabinet which have no whiff of deity about them, and nurses minister to our needs. I see the attraction of celebrant. It has a splendid sound, and no unfortunate resonances. But ... Today at a family visit I was firmly told by the deceased’s daughter that she wanted no hint of celebrating a life. It was a ceremony of mourning - this, in spite of the fact that her own tribute is full of wonderfully comical anecdotes about her mother. And my mind goes back to the 20 year old girl, who had had to stop on on a road one foggy February morning, and was run down by a lorry. Her mother changed the bit at the beginning about celebrating her life to "lay to rest her mangled little body." And there was a widow some years back who was so keen to eliminate any word that smacked of good feelings that she asked me not to "welcome" the mourners. I don’t think celebrant is at all an objectionable word, but there are people who find it in poor taste in relation to a bereavement. If we adopt it, there are going to be some people who will not be reconciled to it, whom we may lose. Robert Mill Robert, you have put into words something that I have met a few times lately, not least of all from the widow of the young man who committed suicide, last week (see other thread) who told me how much she hates her husband right now. But I think it might be wider than that: I have also had a couple of people lately saying that ’celebration of life’ is becoming a well worn phrase and asked me not to use it, des pite wanting an upbeat feel to the funeral. Perhaps there is a change in people’s perceptions and wishes? I don’t know how that affects what we might be called though. Alison Orchard There are indeed situations where ’celebrant’ might not be considered appropriate - but I still think ’officiant’ is an awful title. I’ve been called ’the minister’ many times - even by quite staunch atheist families. Perhaps ’Humanist Minister’ is not such a bad idea for funerals - indeed what most families who use us actually want is a nonreligious ceremony - not a ’Humanist ceremony’ - so perhaps our literature should explain that what we offer



is a personal nonreligious ceremony written, prepared and conducted by a Humanist Minister. I’m glad I’m not the only one to wonder whether ’Celebrate a life’ is sounding over used and even perhaps a bit twee and patronising. In my ceremonies these days I’ve often used ’commemorate a life’ instead - especially in the sort of situations already mentioned in this thread where ’Celebrate’ might not be appropriate. I’ve just thought of a couple of excellent extra reasons for calling myself a Minister - firstly in addition to the fact that families often use it and understand it - several FD’s still already refer to me as the minister in their communications with me and with families; and secondly it would really annoy the church lot - and hey, why on earth shouldn’t we nick back the word that they nicked in the first place - in the same way that they nicked the meaning of so many others, like ’congregation’ which is any group of people congregated together, but they’ve got everyone assuming it means a religious gathering - so it’s one of many words that we shy away from using. Ray Marsh Hey, what’s in a name? I have even been addressed as the Rev Christine Riley Moger. Must admit I was a bit surprised. But I think you all have a point - all the religious ministers now talk about ’celebrating a life’, probably trying to bring their services up to date. I say whatever the family wants (within reason) because it’s their ceremony after all. ’Commemoration’ is a good word, I’ve used that sometimes as well a ’remembrance’. And I certainly agree with you Ray - let’s snatch back the words appropriated by the church. Christine Riley Moger I have never liked ’officiant’ for all the reasons already stated and I take the point that ’celebrant’ may not always be appropriate. I find I am regularly called the ’Humanist Minister’ by FD’s and often the paperwork that comes refers to me as ’Minister’. Families are usually happy with the term and in North Derbyshire my visit will be preceded by the words ’Ministers ’ere’ so I have got used to it over the years and I don’t really think I mind... Horses for courses I say! Tina Pritchard A young couple came to me to compose their wedding ceremony with them. I had conducted a wedding for their friends, and they had been to two funerals I had conducted. I was struck by what they said to me on our first meeting, which was along the lines of "it seemed natural to come to you as our community chaplain"!! Linda Morgan I’m glad this discussion has come out into the open so to speak. I feel uneasy too, and hate the way mourners apologise for using the word ’service ’ to describe what I have just delivered to them. Yes, it is a ’service’, of course. The only trouble with calling ourselves ’minister’, is that it is frowned upon and confusing and some of our number in the past have been asked to resign from the network, presumably because they couldn’t make a distinction between belief and non belief. I feel sure this will rumble on.................. Geraldine Jones Perhaps by the ’definition’ in this poem below, we are ministers:

The Minister

We’re going to need the minister to help this heavy body into the ground. But he won’t dig the hole; others who are stronger and weaker will have to do that.



And he won’t wipe his nose and his eyes; others who are stronger and weaker will have to do that. And he won’t bake cakes or take care of the kids – women’s work. Anyway, what would they do at a time like this if they didn’t do that? No, we’ll get the minister to come and take care of the words. He doesn’t have to make them up, he doesn’t have to say them well, he doesn’t have to like them so long as they obey him. We have to have the minister so the words know where to go. Imagine them circling and circling the confusing cemetery. Imagine them roving the earth without anywhere to rest. by Anne Stevenson Alison Orchard

I’ve been referred to as ’The Minister’, ’The Vicar’, ’The Preacher’ or variants on ’The... um...Funeral Bloke’, and find that most families are not at all comfortable with ’officiant’ and only marginally happier with ’celebrant’. In an area where Nonconformist Ministers still outnumber Anglican clergy, I can’t usually be bothered now to resist being called ’The Humanist Minister’. I loved it when one of our number was referred to as ’The Humanoid Minister’, but I think that on future business cards I will describe myself as ’The Irreverend Paterson.’ Richard Paterson The ’Humourist Minister’ seems to be a popular misnomer! Tina Pritchard I found myself talking to several academics of note at a baby naming ceremony I conducted on Saturday at Trinity Hall, Cambridge. (I say "of note" because I looked them up on the web when I got home) A number of them were from Scotland and were appalled that we do not enjoy the same rights and privileges under the law as are enjoyed by our Humanist colleagues in Scotland. However, my point of adding to this thread is that they felt that the term "Minister" was a good one to use and is authentic for the work we do. Wrestling back the language that has been mis-appropriated by the church seems like a good idea Linda Morgan Yes, I’ve been uneasy about using the word "celebrate" - it’s certainly not always appropriate, which means that calling ourselves celebrants is a bit iffy. I’ll be sticking to officiant for the time being (though OED talks about an officiant providing a RELIGIOUS service...) Chris Goodwin The thing is that all three words have religious definitions attached to them. Looking at the Concise Oxford, the word ’minister’ gives its first few definitions as non-religious ones; however, I always associate the word ’Minister’, in the context of funerals and so on, with a religion. Both ’celebrant’ and ’officiant’ are given religious definitions before anything else, but again, for me, I just dislike the word ’officiant’ intensely - it just sounds bossy and autocratic and all that kind of thing. Personally, I



think that the majority of funerals which I take are celebrations of individual lives - even those which are short ones - and therefore it is the word which best describes what I feel I am most of the time. At the end of the day, it all comes down to what we are each more comfortable with but I think it is wise to settle on one word for our all our publicity and marketing materials, even if some folk choose to be known as something else when and where they work. Pam Burn I agree with Pam that settling on one word for printed material etc is important, though just to elaborate on the linguistics - officiant has a much longer religious connotation than minister - the word comes from the latin ’officiare’ and is found in use throughout as the name given to the priest who says the office . Minister is to be found in pre - reformation English but the usage is often non religious - to ’minister’ is to wait upon or to attend to the needs of someone. It is obvious how it came to be used in religious terms. It seems to me that those who argue that we should wrest the word back are entirely right. The thesaurus suggests ’vizier’ as one alternative to minister. Or how about ’blackcoat’? Sorry about all this colleagues. Every now and then the ex-English teacher in me escapes. Ros Curtis More & more I am just ‘The Humanist’. I’ve tried ‘officiant’ and ‘celebrant’; and I baulk at ‘minister’. To my ears Officant does come across as a tad authoritative … and just a little pompous. Celebrant (more often than not) describes what I do but many families have to repeat it back to me (questioningly) when they’ve asked what I call myself. And, whereas I agree wholeheartedly that Religion should not be allowed to purloin any title it chooses, I’m afraid if we have to rely on pre-reformation definitions to make our point then we really should assume that one has got away. And I try very hard to distance myself from anything that has religious connotations … if at all possible … so ‘Minister’ is out (for me). So when that phone rings during my family meetings (as it invariably does); and my host says “I’m sorry I can’t speak now I’ve got the errr … the … errr …“; then looks pleadingly at me for inspiration (because, up until then, s/he’s not even thought about what to call me) I simply offer “Humanist” and that seems to work fine. No further explanation from me to them (or from them to their caller) is ever necessary. Ian Abbott I have been following this thread with great interest, not least of all because I have been pondering about how I see this role myself lately. The discussion we are having is focusing on the role that we currently undertake. However, I feel that if Humanism takes the more central place in society in the future that I hope it might, that our role might need to expand from ’just’ conducting ceremonies, and change in nature, to accommodate and reflect those societal changes. In that way we might need to operate in ways more often associated with a vicar. The official name we decide on (or stumble upon?) might need to reflect as much about what we might hope our role to be in the future in order to shape and bring about change. I am always impressed by the power of language to convey nuances of meaning and intent. On a lighter note, a couple of months ago I received a cheque from an FD I had never worked for before written out to ‘Rev. A Orchard’ and the bank refused to take it! Alison Orchard I was referred to the other day by a daughter who had lost her Dad as "Liz, the vicaress"... Liz Lucas Hello everyone. I’m new to all this having just completed my training and am now officially a probationary celebrant(?) in the Cardiff area. During our training sessions we discussed whether we preferred celebrant or officiant and most of us prefer celebrant. Most people I come across who are not necessarily Humanists, seem to be



comfortable with ’celebrant’ but I can imagine some circumstances when it might not be an appropriate description. I wish I could be in Warwick to take part in the discussion but it’s impossible for me that weekend. I look forward to many more discussions via the website. Lorraine Barrett

Got it! How about ’Secular Minister’ shortened to ’Sinister’? No? Perhaps not... Richard Paterson If we are going to forge a new formulation, sinister might lead effortlessly on to "Dexter." Robert Mill Not sure that being described as a Dexter would go down well with female celebrants, Bobbie - the breed website describes a Dexter as a small cow with a BIG future, with a quality small carcass, a maternal but extremely hardy breed!!! Richard Paterson Here’s an idea what about "a practitioner" with humanist or perhaps celebrant /officiant attached? Roland Pascoe "Practitioner" is a very useful, portmanteau word, which now figures prominently, for instance, in Equity’s vocabulary when describing those that it represents. The obvious word, actor, leaves so many out of consideration - dancers, singers, stage managers, designers, directors, variety. Does it sound a bit technical? By the way, in view of Richard’s scholarly take on "Dexter" I withdraw it unreservedly! Robert Mill

Poems of Foreign Origin

Francis Nnaggenda is a sculptor born in Uganda but who spent time in Kenya. He wrote this which I have used for woodland burials:

The Dead are not under the Earth

They are not dead under the earth They are in the tree that rustles They are in the woods that groan They are in the water that runs They are in the water that sleeps They are in the grass that is weeping They are in the whimpering rocks They are in the forest They are in the house They are not dead Francis Nnaggenda I have to say, I do enjoy something a bit different from the usual favourites now and again! Am I right in saying that the Ugandan verse has been made into a song sung by Sweet Valley on the Rock? Alison Orchard It certainly is a song, and I know it sung by a group in Stafford called "Fish from Oblivion" - they are superb, and have made two CDs, the proceeds from which go to Amnesty International and other such orgs. Sue Willson



Sweet Honey in the Rock song called ‘Breaths’ is very similar and goes as follows: Listen more often to things than to beings.

’Tis the Ancestors’ breath

When the fire’s voice is heard ’Tis the Ancestors’ breath in the voice of the waters. Those who have died have never, never left. The dead are not under the earth. They are in the rustling trees, They are in the groaning woods, They are in the crying grass They are in the moaning rocks. The dead are not under the earth. The dead have a pact with the living. They are in the woman’s breast, They are in the wailing child, They are with us in our homes They are with us in this crowd. So, listen more often to things than to beings. ’Tis the Ancestors’ breath When the fire’s voice is heard. Sue Baumbach

WEDDINGS

Thread 1

Hand fasting Several celebrants in the south west have been approached by a couple who want handfasting as part of their wedding celebration. I have no idea what’s involved, so can anyone help? Also, why hand-fasting, not hand-fastening, or am I just spelling it incorrectly? Frank Bonner Hand-fasting We join your hands in physical union. [place B’s hand on top of G’s] May your union bear you up together. [put the cord under your hands and raise them slightly] These bonds tie but do not bind. This bond is made by G’s love for B [first wrap] This bond is made by B’s love for G [second wrap] As the ship ties fast in harbour to shelter from the storm, your lives are tied so together you can face the inevitable storms of life. Whether life becalms you or tosses you in its tempests you will face it with a strength that is all the stronger for the ties you make here today. You will anchor each other and hold fast to your love and commitment This hand-fast symbolises your hope and expectation that together you are greater than you are individually. You are interwoven by your vows with love, encouragement, adaptability, stimulation, attraction and kindness. Hold fast to each other to ride out the storms, and watch as your strength grows. This is not a sailor’s knot that will never slip. But this is a strong knot because it is the will of you both to make it so. May it sit lightly and pleasantly upon you that you may sail through life hand in hand, mind with mind, and heart to heart. Please seal your union with a kiss. (unwrap) Although we now remove the physical cord, may it remain in your hearts, in your minds and in your actions. May the memory of the threads of your hand-fast sustain you on your voyage together.” Sue Willson (from an earlier thread) There is s book on the subject - ’Hand-fasting - A Practical Guide’ by Mary Neasham, published by Green Magic and available via their website www.greenmagicpublishing.com at £9.99 (along with a load of mind-numbing pagan



codswallop). The book is quite useful, though - funnily enough, there is a chapter headed ’Humanist Weddings’ which begins ’Funnily enough the majority of people who approach me about hand-fasting are atheists looking for a non-religious ceremony. This in itself would normally be frowned upon by most of today’s pagan community...’ Great stuff for those into bondage... It was originally ’hand-fastening’ but these days is more often known as ’hand-fasting or ’hand-binding’. Having done these quite a few times I’d definitely suggest you adopt the method whereby a ’hand-binding attendant’ (or two attendants) actually do the binding - this avoids the celebrant having to keep putting down his/her script folder and keeps everything flowing better. Here’s the hand-binding part of one of my scripts: ...... ’Caroline and Steve have chosen to include an ancient hand fasting ritual as a main part of their exchange of vows today. They will be bound with a red cord which will be tied as they make promises that are binding. This is where the age old expressions ‘tying the knot’ and ‘binding agreement’ originated. ‘Hand-fasting‘, or ‘Hand-binding’ was an ancient ritual - a symbolic expression of an agreement freely made between two people. An agreement that recognised their spiritual as well as their physical union and traditionally honoured equality and joint endeavour. It is a ceremony that recognises a marriage of heart, mind, body, and spirit - freely and openly undertaken. Would the two hand fasting attendants take their positions (Tracy and Mandy both stand behind and between Caroline and Steve) Ray ( to bride and groom) : You both stand before this company with open eyes and full hearts; Caroline, I am told that you come freely to this union today - is that so? It is And Steve, I am told that you come freely to this union today - is that so? It is Will you please link arms. (Each lightly grips the others right wrist/forearm with their right hand) The single red cord is now draped across the couples arms by the attendants. (Or you can use three shorter lengths of cord) With this cord we will bind you to the vows that are made. Caroline and Steve, Will you seek to live together as true friends and accept each others strengths and weaknesses? We will (Cord is wound round the linked arms by attendants and secured with the first knot). Will you live as equal partners, sharing life’s joys and standing together to face life’s problems? We will (Cord is wound round the linked hands and secured with a second, central knot). And do you offer each other your love and commitment - without conditions? We do Cord is wound round the arms again and secured with a third knot. Caroline, please say after me: I Caroline, take thee, Steve, … to my hand, my heart and my spirit. Steve, please say after me: I Steve, take thee, Caroline, … to my hand, my heart and my spirit. Love is a bond made in trust. The promises made and the ties that are bound today will greatly strengthen your union. These ties will now be unbound and removed - in token that henceforth you will be together of you own free will. (Attendants unfasten the tied cord and remove it. Attendants return to their places). Ray: (To guests) All of you who witnessed these pledges - as family and friends will you always do your utmost to support this marriage? Guests reply: We will ..... If you would like more info, whizz me an email on: [email protected] Ray Marsh During my enquiries into this (when I too was asked by a couple to include it in their ceremony) there were other symbolisms attached. I read that many religions claim it as ‘theirs’ … including Pagans; Wiccans and Catholics. Also; depending on which version you read, it allegedly stems from a practice of binding the hands of two people who are betrothed. They were required to remain permanently bound in this way for a number of days … some say seven; some a month. The reasoning being, if you can tolerate each other after this then you are likely to be able to tolerate each other in marriage. During the same research I also came across the origin of the word ‘honeymoon’ (the couple were also going to drink their toast with Mead). Folklore says that, after the wedding, the bride is to drink mead every day for a complete lunar cycle thereby ensuring the first-born child will be male. Ian Abbott More and more couples are looking for ways of including visual and verbal symbolism that will help to make their ceremony different to what they would get in a church or registry office. As Ian says, hand-binding is usually associated with Pagan or Wiccan weddings (and isn’t it typical that the Catholics should try to claim it - even though it obviously pre-dates them). It isn’t just a Pagan or Wiccan tradition though, because variations of it were found in many cultures all around the planet - including some native American Indian tribes (Algonquian nation, Blackfoot etc.), where typically a white blanket was put around the couple and their hands were bound together with a red cloth for the duration of the ceremony. In some Celtic and Wiccan traditions the hand-binding was a ’betrothal’ for a year and a day, while in others it was ’for as long as love shall last’ (very sensible!) or ’for life’, or ’for eternity’. Over recent years there has been an increase in the number of Wiccan weddings taking place openly in the UK ever since the repeal of the Witchcraft Act in 1951 (Yes, you read that right - not until 1951!) so hand-binding has become a



little more known. The thing is - during modern church wedding services the guests have a lot of involvement, they are forever standing, sitting, joining in with prayers and singing hymns etc., therefore it’s important that in our Humanist ceremonies we don’t have them just sitting listening for twenty minutes - so getting them to stand at significant parts of the ceremony, asking them to answer a couple of questions in unison and/or speaking in unison with well wishes for the couple and/or singing together all helps. But when a hand-binding is included that really gets their attention and their interest, because most of them will never have seen it before and it’s a great piece of visual symbolism. (and looks good in the photo’s). In my experience the couple and the guests have always found it a bit special and a very significant part of their day. Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it ! Ray Marsh There can be pitfalls! Last summer I did a hand-fasting in a barn on a farm - the bride’s fathers. I got the best man and best woman to tie three of the four knots and they made three promises. So far so good. Then the bride screamed, pulled her hands out of the ribbons and said "Ugh! There’s a spider on my dress!" Brought the house down. I took charge - of course got the best man and the best lady to re-tie the ribbons and announced "Hand-fasting - Part II". One more of those memorable moments! As a great I prefer a 2 ribbon hand-fasting myself and I think it looks lovely when each ribbon is of a different colour and/or texture. On Saturday I am doing a hand-fasting on Dartmoor. The couple have had the idea that all their guests are each to be given a tiny length of ribbon which they are going to tie onto the main ribbon as they make a wish for the couple and the hand-fasting is going to be done, therefore, with over a hundred ribbons. I have my doubts but it reflects their general theme of colour and ribbons (they are Morris men/people) and I’m always up for trying something new! Alison Orchard I know this is a long thread and from a while ago, but here goes: I have just read the new biog of Shakespeare - well, part of his life in London. It is called "The Lodger: Shakespeare on Silver Street" and is by Charles Nicholl. Apparently Shakespeare conducted a hand-fasting ceremony, and there are two chapters about it - pp 251-267. It led to a court case, which is what the book is based on. A lovely quotation from the book: "There is my hand and my faith forever, and I will never forsake thee". SueWillson Thread 2

Microphones for outdoor ceremonies

Has anyone bought themselves a wireless mike for use at (particularly) outdoor weddings? If so, I’d really appreciate some helpful recommendations. Having had two weddings in the last couple of weeks where I’ve had real problems with sound and been given dodgy handheld mikes to use, I am fed up with the awkwardness of juggling script, mike, cards for vows and doing it all in the wind and the rain looking superbly confident! So I wonder if I should invest in my own. Obviously I want one that is discreet (lapel type or similar) and with independent power so that I don’t need to bother about what facilities are available. Pam Burn Hello Pam - I can’t be of any help regarding technical stuff about lapel mikes, but reading how you struggled in wind and rain and were handed unsuitable mikes - It’s one of the important things about a thorough ’on site’ rehearsal that the question of what equipment might be needed and what will be available is firmly sorted out. But regarding outdoor venues they can be fantastic and I love doing them - but personally, for the last three years I’ve no longer agreed to take on any outdoor wedding in the uk without a ’plan B’ in case of really crap weather on the day. (ie a marquee, a nearby pub, a hall, the reception venue or whatever). If there is no plan B and the weather is bad the ceremony is remembered for all the wrong reasons and I just don’t want to imagine people muttering afterwards about ’that Humanist wedding when we all got soaking wet and couldn’t hear a word’. I have only ever ’lost’ one outdoor booking over this - I almost lost one this year but the couple reluctantly booked a hall quite close to the beach where they wanted the ceremony - and on the day there was virtually horizontal rain and we had the ceremony in the hall.



I know some celebrants do ceremonies out on places like Dartmoor (Hello Alison!) with no plan B, but personally I never again want to have to deal with a wet, bedraggled, windswept bride and groom and a bunch of guests who can’t hear or see properly. The only exception I’ve made was for a hand fasting ceremony at Stonehenge, in amongst the stones at 5.15 am (sunrise) but it was a small gathering of only about twenty people - and I’d have probably paid them for the chance to officiate at that awesome venue!. (Fortunately the weather was good). Ray Marsh Hi Pam, I couldn’t agree with Ray more. I too insist that they couple look at a wet weather alternative, although this isn’t possible with a funeral ceremony round a graveside, which I have done quite a few of. Regarding the lapel mike. I do have some knowledge of this type of PA system having spent 18 years as an entertainer and done shows in the open air. The small covert mike is no problem and one can be picked up for a few quid, but, you would still need the amplifier somewhere to power it, and because it will be specifically for open air venues a couple of very good speakers to go with it. The lapel mike is often accompanied by half a car full of amplifiers and speakers Pam and lugging this stuff about is heavy work (trust me). Suggestion. What I do is try & work out the general wind direction and speak using the same route as the wind which will carry your voice a little bit further, but if it is going to be a sizeable attendance I would start looking at a hired PA system, which most local musical instrument shops can provide (or send you in the right direction to get one) and this would be at the cost of the happy couple of course. With a hired system you would need electricity and this could be a generator, which again would be provided by the company who is hiring, and even operatives to rig it up, operate it and take it down and away afterwards. You could ask for a lapel mike with this system but I have always been happy with a normal sized mike on a mike stand which means you don’t have to shuffle papers and mike and cards etc. If a couple haven’t thought of a wet weather alternative I would ‘encourage’ them to seriously consider it. If they dig their heels in and say they don’t give a damn what the weather is doing (because they are outdoor types and they are happy to brave the elements) I would pose the question as to whether all their guests on the day think the same way. Flowing gowns/tie & tails/mud/heavy rain - doesn’t mix very well really. The bottom line of all that is I wouldn’t recommend you went out and bought your own PA system for such occasions. It will end up being very expensive and if you did get one you would need to have someone ‘in the know’ to operate the system whilst you are doing your bit. Steer the couple towards hiring, and if you specify it will be for an outdoor event you will end up with the appropriate system which can deal with the rain & wind. Hope all this helps, but probably not. Stuart Paterson Thanks for raising this Pam, I had been wondering myself if I should have my own mike since I’ve been asked why I don’t have one? No one so far has said that they can’t hear me when we’re outside but they do complain sometimes that they don’t hear the bride and groom or the readings. I do talk through sound issues and the possibility of the couple hiring a PA but most don’t like the idea of it even if its all available on site anyway because of the band/DJ. Stuart - I’m really pleased that you suggest hiring and that its up to the couple to cover the cost because I really hated the thought of having to be responsible for such technicalities as well as the ceremony! I’m doing a wedding on Friday outdoors. So far the weather forecast looks promising - plan B is that we put up our umbrellas so I’m thinking of taking a stand so that I don’t have to hold my script too .... or I could get one of those novelty hats with the inbuilt umbrella? Julie Robinson Thank you Stuart and Ray for your thoughts on this. I quite agree with you and had insisted on a Plan Bs for both which they had agreed to. Yesterday’s wedding was in the Plan B location as it started to rain about half an hour



before we started. I had arrived about an hour beforehand and said that we should move all the equipment into the marquee as it was already drizzling fairly heavily and would have been very miserable for guests and couple. They were reluctant and delayed a while but in the end I prevailed. In the event, it was discovered that they couldn’t then move all that was needed and we ended up way down the garden in the reception marquee, with a mike on stand which needed me to stand almost with my lips touching it to work. They had quite a number of young children and also the rain was beating very heavily and noisily on the marquee so a mike was really necessary. I couldn’t use the portable lectern which I carry because of space limitations so it was a difficult exercise to use this duff mike whilst being able to look down at the script which I keep in a folder and also being able to keep eye contact with the couple at the appropriate times. At the end of the day, they were happy and grateful that I had accommodated them in the rushed changes. Whilst I smiled and laughed with them all over a glass of champagne, all I could think of was that I am not going to be in other people’s hands like this again! We all want to do the very best we can and so it is annoying when you have agreed a Plan B that things do not work as they should. I hear what you say about carrying tons of stuff around and I wouldn’t want to do that, but I’d really like to have my own equipment if at all possible. It sounds as if it may not be though! Pam Burn I have just had a flash of memory about these portable mikes - when we were in Vienna last year a tour guide had a portable mike which she wore when she walked around inside and outside . There was no other visible equipment (except for a small pack on her waist) and it was just perfect for talking to a group of people of reasonable size. I wonder about one of those - Ray do you know of these? Hope the weather is good for you at the weekend Julie! Pam Burn A fellow celebrant told me about the ’Monacor Waistband Amplifier’. She said she used it all the time for weddings. I have bought one - about £35 + VAT but haven’t needed to use it yet. I always have it with me. May be worth a try Tim Chicken I have heard of (although never used) the waistband portable one with the power pack strapped to you. Firstly it doesn’t get over the problem of the bride & groom being heard, unless you wanted to invest in more than one. Also they eat battery power - too fast for my liking. As far as having to get one’s lips right up to the mike to be heard, that sounds like a weak system. Outside you do need the power and the only successful way of getting that is with a good system, which will be & heavy. Tim mentioned the Monacor Waistband Amplifier and I suppose they help a bit, but when you have a few guests, maybe more than 50, the sound won’t get as far as you want it to because it simply isn’t powerful enough. I knew my loud booming voice would come in handy one day. I could rent my voice out I suppose, at a very reasonable rate to my fellow colleagues of course. Stuart Paterson Just back from a delightful, but very wet, weekend conducting a partnership ceremony for the 2 most wonderful young women you could imagine on Wenlock Edge in Shropshire... ... and guess what, it was outside with no plan B! It was wet and cold but I had a Plan B script which was a shortened version. I am someone who doesn’t like technical equipment. In fact I can go one stage further and say there is something in me (my electro-magnetic field?) that makes things technical go instantly wrong, so it doesn’t like me either. I do all I can to avoid using a microphone: I think they reduce the intimacy and increase the faff. I also love the adventurousness of doing a ceremony exactly where the couple want. I understand I am probably unusual in that and I have the gift of a teacher’s voice that can crucify a kid at the back of a class. I also know it might not always be wise.



I try and remember that sometimes the guests might not need to hear. I married a couple who wanted to get married by a river’s edge because they had scattered their stillborn daughter’s ashes in it. It was a raging torrent at the rehearsal so we conducted most of the wedding at the top of the path, I explained to the guests that they wouldn’t be able to hear the vow exchange but that the vows were written in their wedding book and they could read them at the end of the ceremony. It was stunning: the guests understood why we were doing it and said they enjoyed upholding the couple and witnessing what they said in a more - dare I say it - ’spiritual’ way and loved reading the vows at leisure and with time to think about them. With horrid memories of conducting a wedding over a Tannoy on a football pitch and with the sound of lashing rain on my office window, I think I had better get on .... Alison Orchard Having re-read Stuart’s first reply I thought I would just clarify that when I said I don’t agree to take on outdoor weddings unless there is a plan B, I was talking about weddings and namings - obviously I would never refuse to take on graveside funerals. Even for those though, it’s always worth just asking if there is a cemetery chapel building or any other possible place to hold a ceremony and end it with a brief conclusion at the grave. Families will usually go for that if they know it’s an option. It’s always interesting to hear other peoples approaches to ceremonies, particularly weddings - for instance carrying a stand for the script folder, that’s obviously something that some feel comfortable with but It wouldn’t work for me, I prefer the freedom to move around during a ceremony and I never stand between or behind the couple like a vicar, I prefer to stand slightly to one side. Regarding weather and Julie’s fun idea of the ’umbrella hat’ - If you do ever go for that Julie, thats a picture I’d like to see - one for the Rite lines magazine perhaps?! Ray Marsh Is there any chance of a display of different mikes etc at the conference? I am one of those, however, who prefers as little equipment as possible - and with a voice that carries well, I am told! If people can’t hear, I agree that it doesn’t always matter. It is sometimes better to be "natural" than make an outdoor ceremony sound as if it is indoors. I am taking an outdoor wedding later today, well away from trees which might rustle, not on a flight path nor near a road, and although on a farm, no animals nearby. It should - !! - be fine. Sue Willson Just some thoughts on this. I’ve found that some voice coaching has helped enormously. Firstly its let me get to know my own voice and secondly it means that I don’t feel that I need to rely on mikes at all times. It doesn’t take all the problems but it can help. roland pascoe

I can’t be of any help regarding technical stuff about lapel mikes, but reading how you struggled in wind and rain and were handed unsuitable mikes - It’s one of the important things about a thorough ’on site’ rehearsal that the question of what equipment might be needed and what will be available is firmly sorted out. But regarding outdoor venues they can be fantastic and I love doing them - but personally, for the last three years I’ve no longer agreed to take on any outdoor wedding in the UK without a ’plan B’ in case of really crap weather on the day. (ie a marquee, a nearby pub, a hall, the reception venue or whatever). If there is no plan B and the weather is bad the ceremony is remembered for all the wrong reasons and I just don’t want to imagine people muttering afterwards about ’that Humanist wedding when we all got soaking wet and couldn’t hear a word’. I have only ever ’lost’ one outdoor booking over this - I almost lost one this year but the couple reluctantly booked a hall quite close to the beach where they wanted the ceremony - and on the day there was virtually horizontal rain and we had the ceremony in the hall. I know some celebrants do ceremonies out on places like Dartmoor (Hello Alison!) with no plan B, but personally I never again want to have to deal with a wet, bedraggled, windswept bride and groom and a bunch of guests who can’t hear or see properly. The only exception I’ve made was for a hand-fasting ceremony at Stonehenge, in



amongst the stones at 5.15 am (sunrise) but it was a small gathering of only about twenty people - and I’d have probably paid them for the chance to officiate at that awesome venue!. (Fortunately the weather was good). Ray Marsh Thread 3

Jumping the broom, Sand pouring

I haven’t yet done a Hand-fasting myself yet but have now done two ‘Sand-pourings’ and will be doing a ‘Jumping the Broom’ in the New Year! So if you want any advice on either of those anytime, you know where to come! Having been a little sceptical at first, I really enjoyed the first sand pouring which took the place of an exchange of rings (which had happened at an earlier ceremony the previous week) and involved the couple and their three closest living relatives - two children and a brother. Each had different colour sand which they poured into the most beautiful crystal vase of a most unusual shape. The finished product was a lovely and different reminder of their marriage. It was so good, I suggested it to another couple who were also having two marriage services and those theirs was not as good as the first, it was still a nice piece of theatre. In the Jumping the Broom, I gather the bride will be wearing 4" heels which will make for an interesting (and hopefully non limb threatening) end to the ceremony! I had no idea how prevalent both these ceremonies are (mostly outside this country). Indeed the Jumping the Broom is still used in some pagan weddings I gather. Anyway I am always interested in ’watching and learning’! Pam Burn The broom thing must be from the NE of England. I recall a saying for those who lived together without marriage as living ‘awa the broom.’ Bill Dawson That’s interesting. I belong to a World Music choir and we are learning a Sotho wedding song called ’Fiela’. The words roughly translate as: Sweep sweep girl Sweep girl And don’t dine in dirt Your mother-in-law She is very watchful Traditionally it is done with a dance with brooms (but we’re doing it without) around the couple. Perhaps it’s something about the everyday stuff in marriage?? Alison Orchard I don’t know if it is exclusively a North East tradition. I was raised in Manchester with a family rooted in Lancashire and ‘Living OverThe Brush’ was a common term used for people living together but not yet married. I never had the sense that it was a reference to them ‘living in sin’ (as it was quaintly termed) but more a case of two people living together before their marriage was made official. A trial period if you like. Interestingly a couple I married two years ago incorporated ‘leaping over the besom’ in their ceremony. When I researched this (can’t remember where now) I discovered that the tradition was to lay a besom across the threshold of their home and they leapt it together as they entered for the first time. [I suppose there is some connection between this and the groom carrying the bride over the threshold]. As long as neither party leapt back over the broom within a-year-and-a-day they were deemed to be married in-perpetuity. Divorce in those days was very simple! A-year-and-a-day is an interesting concept. It is also the terminology used in law when determining if a person has been murdered. If they do not die within a-year-and-a-day of the assault which caused their injury they cannot be said to have been murdered. (What a quaint world we live in). Ian Abbott Thread 4

Combined weddings with a Registrar

I’ve been asked if I would consider doing a wedding alongside a registrar who will do the legal bit. Sounds like a nightmare waiting to happen to me and I am really not keen on doing it. But before I say no, has anyone else done one together with a registrar whom they don’t know with all the whole ceremony being a combined effort? If so, what was it like? Pam Burn I have never conducted one myself but my cousin had one (about 12 years ago) conducted by Denis Cobell.



It was lovely (and one of the factors that led me to train myself). All 3 of them sat up the front together. Denis then stood and did the first bit, explained that to give the marriage legal status the registrars had to do their bit and he sat whilst that happened. Denis then took back over to finish the proceedings. The only thing that felt strange was that the registrars left straight after their bit. It would have made it all much smoother if they had stayed. Alison Orchard I conducted something similar to the one described above; whereby the Registrar ’bit’ was an integral part of the ceremony; and another (outside) ceremony in the grounds of Leighton Hall where just the couple and two witnesses went indoors (to the room licensed for weddings) mid-way through the ceremony. Ostensibly to ‘sign the register’ but in actual fact to conduct the briefest possible ‘legal bit’ with the Registrar’s who were waiting there. The couple re-emerged and we simply continued with the ceremony as ‘we’ had designed it. My understanding of things is that, strictly speaking, the Registrar cannot be part of another ceremony but some are more accommodating than others … however, even on the occasions mentioned above it was clear to all that they were there in an ‘official’ capacity … they weren’t exactly unfriendly but neither were they the most convivial people in the room! If I had to do it again I think I would probably make more of an effort to establish some sort of rapport with the registrar in an effort to win them over … both times they felt more like competitors than participants. Also; the Registrars have to ‘interview’ the couple immediately before marrying them … that takes about 15 minutes so you have to factor that into the plan. In mine that was able to take place before we began anything but certainly (in the outdoor ceremony) the Registrars were not happy about being kept waiting until a time we’d decided. Good luck with it. I can understand why a couple would want to do the legal bit as part and parcel of their Humanist Ceremony. But the whole thing is a bit of a dogs dinner at the moment . . . A Vicar can marry you in a church; or a registrar can marry you – but no one else! And if the registrar does it has to be in their offices or in a building (not outdoors) that is licensed for weddings … Oh yes; and it’s only the Registrar who licenses those premises so either way you have to be married in a place some minor Government Official says you must marry not at a place that has some significance to the couple who are actually getting married. After all, it’s only their wedding day! The sooner the whole thing is sorted out the better. Either Humanists Celebrants are authorised or (my preferred option) no-one is and everybody has to do the legal bit (which after all should involve legal and background checks on the two individuals) completely separate from any ‘Wedding Ceremony’. [This is the system in some European countries whereby a couple go to the Mayor or a Magistrate to be legally married before attending the wedding ceremony that conforms to their particular religion or lifestyle]. Ian Abbott I have officiated at several weddings where the legal bit was conducted immediately before or after and on the same premises. On the last occasion, the Registrar looked down her nose at me and was not at all friendly - we are pretty sure that some Registrars have ’warned off’ certain venues from allowing humanist ceremonies by incorrectly advising them that they are compromising their registration. Richard Paterson This is all very timely for me, as I am taking a wedding in the summer at the same venue and on the same day as the registrar. The couple were wondering how to time it, and how it might go. Your comments confirm what I had gleaned from earlier postings. Thanks. Sue Willson Many thanks to everyone for their comments. I’ll have a word with my couple about it again - I think I’ll seek to persuade them to have two separate ceremonies rather than risk everything on one where the registrar might be less than co-operative. I’ve been to a wedding locally done by the Registrar and it was (in my dear old mother’s immortal words) "nothing to write home about"! Thanks a lot Pam Burn



Thread 5

Weddings Abroad

Hi all I’ve just been asked to officiate at a wedding in France this September. Having not done one abroad before could you give me an idea of the fee I should charge? It would mean being away from Fri to Sun. Cheers. Bill Dawson I’m pretty sure that Jill Satin wrote a paper about this. I don’t think I have ever seen her contribute to this forum so you might like to contact her direct rather than expect her to respond to you here. Her email address is:[email protected] Alison Orchard I would suggest that you add at least £200 to your normal ’local’ fee - and then make it clearly and firmly understood and agreed that ALL your expenses are to be met by the couple - all travel ie not just the air fare, but all the extra bits including airport charges, taxis, etc., and all hotel stuff including all meals and food but excluding alcohol. Get receipts for everything however small. It’s so easy to end up paying for bits and bobs from your own pocket if your not careful. Ray Marsh Thread 6

Words for Audience participation

Any ideas for a unison piece for a wedding ceremony? The couple don’t much like the Celtic blessing or a similar one, but like the idea of the gathered people taking part in some way. I know someone will have just the thing. Thanks Sue Willson I don’t know if your couple are against blessing style verses completely. Here are 2 other possibilities:

May the road rise with you,

May the wind be always at your back, May the sun shine warm upon your face. May the rain fall soft upon your fields and Warmed by vows of love may life hold you In the hollow of her hands May companionship sustain you, And your love be as natural as breath. May joy be the bricks that build your home, And laughter the cement which keeps you strong. May compassion be the roof that shelters you And may friends and children gather at your table.




If not, something I often do is to ask all the guests a question about joining me to wish them well in their marriage or support them in the future. If you prime them sufficiently in advance the ’We do!’ is often impressive. Alison Orchard This is one of the things I do at wedding and naming ceremonies. As the guests are arriving I explain that there will be some ‘audience participation’ in the ceremony. I give them all a piece of paper on which some words are written and ask them if they will join me in saying it out loud towards the end of the ceremony. ‘Hilda and Harry, we have witnessed your words and support you in the love you share. We pronounce you husband and wife.’ Or ‘Your name is Hilda Bertha Jones and we wish you a long and happy life with us your friends and family.’ It always works well, involves everyone, gives me an opportunity of talking to the guests before the ceremony starts and gives the guests an opportunity to question me. Tim Chicken This can also be used as a toast if they all have a glass of something in their hands: Here’s to the past for all that you’ve learned Here’s to the present for all that you share Here’s to the future for all you aspire to (look forward to ) together. Geraldine Jones

Thread 7

Renewal of vows

I’ve had one or two email enquiries about fee etc for renewal of vows ceremonies and I’ve quoted the same as weddings (which in this area is 300 +travel at 40p per mile) no one replied. I spoke to a woman on the phone a couple of days ago and when I said the fee she told me that was far too expensive. I haven’t done one of these ceremonies yet ... am I quoting too high? Can anyone please tell me how much you charge? Give me advice? Julie Robinson Hello Julie, With these enquiries about renewal ceremonies I’ve learned to really ask a lot of detailed probing questions during that initial phone call - because the fee you quote can depend on exactly what they are planning. Some couples might just envisage quite a short, low key ’renewal of the vows’ ceremony with just a few close relatives and friends - whilst others go for a complete full on wedding ceremony pretty much like their first one (Or in one case I can remember, they saw it as an opportunity to go much bigger and grander than their original service, which was done on a shoe string budget whereas now they had the dosh to ’make up for it’). So if it’s like a full complete ceremony I quote my usual wedding fee (£395 plus travelling exes if more than 20 miles) Even a smallish quiet ceremony will need a fair bit of our careful preparation and a rehearsal / practice run through beforehand, so I would still quote about two thirds of the normal fee at least. Hope that helps. It’ll be interesting to hear how others approach this. Ray Marsh

Thread 8

Registrars and weddings



A wedding ceremony I conducted last month took place in a stately home which is also licensed for weddings. The couple had the legal bit (at the same venue) immediately prior to our ceremony.I’ve just received this ‘Thank You’ message from them. (I include it in full, not for reasons of vanity but because it puts the Registrar’s comments into context) “Dear Ian; Thank you for your help in preparing our wedding ceremony and for delivering the ceremony itself. It was perfect! Many people commented on how nice the ceremony was. Prior to the legal ceremony the Registrar said to Ed “Why are you bothering with a Humanist Ceremony? We could have done all that for you”. Ed didn’t really give much response. We disagree with their comments. The ‘Civil Ceremony’ was like any other. I hope it’s not long before Humanists ceremonies become legal in England. The ceremony was unique and personal to us. Thank you” I don’t know if this constitutes an unfair abuse of his position (as the Humanist ceremony was going ahead regardless of the Registrars comments) but it does perhaps point to his attitude to Humanist Ceremonies in general and (for me)raises questions about how many couples he has managed talked out of having one. Ian Abbott I think we’re all fed up with what is happening with Registrars Ian - on all ceremonies. I know that Tana recently had occasion to write to the CEO of a local council about misinformation being given out by Registrars. Last year, Hanne did quite a bit of work on the unfair trading position and I may have mentioned this elsewhere - I know I have discussed it with Howard. If you want to see the notes on what went on then I’ll try and dig them out for you but, essentially, it appeared not to be as straightforward as we all might think and would involve, probably, a legal battle at considerable cost (which we couldn’t afford). However, the church is not happy about what the Registrars are doing either and it may be that they might decide to do something themselves which would be to our advantage. It would be rather fun working with the church for once!! :) Pam Burn Tana is following up an instance where, in Wales, a couple were told by the Registrar that a humanist ceremony could not precede the legal one, and they consequently felt it necessary, on what appeared to be authoritative advice, to drop the humanist ceremony. We are also looking into instances where it appears that managers of licensed venues are being told by registrars that such premises cannot be used for humanist ceremonies. There is little doubt in my mind that misinformation about our ceremonies is being routinely given out by some - maybe quite a few - registrars. Richard Paterson In the past in Shropshire, I have heard that managers of approved venues have been told the same when my couple were enquiring about a naming ceremony when the registrars weren’t even doing namings! I was furious and mentioned it to the hotel, but of course being an approved venue is very lucrative and prized. I do know that civil namings in Staffordshire can only be held in approved venues wheich is even worse since they are not ’legal’ and do not therefore need an approved place. June Williams

Thread 9

Loving cup and bell of truce

For the first time for me a couple I am working with (on their wedding) are interested in including a loving cup and bell of truce in their ceremony. I wonder firstly does anyone have recommended supplier/s for these and secondly does anyone have experience of including these in a wedding ceremony and if so, could you share some thoughts or advice with me? Julie Robinson



According to my source of information Julie, a loving or grace cup is a large two handled silver vessel for passing from guest to guest at formal banquets, as at colleges, court and for Lord mayor of London or City Companies banquets where two people stand, one to drink and the other to act as his ’defender’. Each take a draught and (for the sake of hygiene ), the rim of the cup is wiped with a white napkin before being passed on to the next couple and so on. It could take a long time! Tradionally it has nothing to do with weddings. But I don’t see why not. If they wanted to carry on the theme, everyone could sing ’Drink to me only with thine eyes and I’ll not pledge with mine, or leave a kiss within the cup and I’ll not ask for wine........... etc ’ afterwards I can’t find information on the Bell Truce. Apologies if you already know all this Geraldine Jones The loving cup was a Gaelic / Celtic tradition at weddings whereby the bride and groom each drank a sip from the cup at the end of the ceremony symbolizing their first shared drink as a married couple. (Similar traditional first shared drinks are also part of ceremonies from other cultures too, especially far eastern ones). The Bell of truce is another Gaelic / Celtic tradition - a small bell with a soft, light tinkling sound. The Bride and groom each rang the bell once during the ceremony - the bell was then to be kept in the marital home and whenever the couple had a disagreement or argument one of them was supposed to ring the bell to remind them of their wedding day and their vows. The short Ogden Nash reading goes well with the loving cup bit wouldn’t you say? "To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the loving cup, etc.," Ray Marsh Hi Julie Crystal loving cups and bells can be purchased from the following website http://www.crystal-awards-supplier.co.uk/loving-cups-vases.php Good luck Win Tadd The bride said to me that she would like to keep the bell of truce by the bed ... ah I know what you’re thinking but actually she said she wants to be able to ring the bell to order a cup of tea. Thanks for your replies ... I’ll have a look at that supplier Win Julie Robinson A Scottish quaich is often used - my husband is Scottish and we had this at our wedding although it was presented by the best man and was done as part of the speeches rather than in the ceremony - but the principle is the same. If you enter ’Scottish quaich’ into a search engine lots of suppliers come up - they can be pewter, silver, silver plated or wooden. Clare Jolly Hi, Julie, I have done a ceremony in which one of these was used to end the ceremony. Here is the wording: For Andy and Anne - as they told me - love and friendship fills their cup to overflowing today. Throughout time and across many cultures, the sharing of wine from one cup has united people with love and trust and by drinking from one cup now, Anne and Andy will symbolically become one and embody the spirit of marriage and shared endeavour.



Toastmaster invites the bride and groom to drink from the Wedding Chalice. Anne and Andy, may your life together be as sweet as your wine. Alison Orchard

Thread 10

Rings

Amongst a file of phrases I have on the symbolism of wedding rings are theses words ... "A circle is the symbol of the sun and the earth and the universe, of wholeness and perfection, and peace and love. It is worn on the third finger, because of an ancient Greek belief that a vein from that finger goes directly to the heart." A couple who I am writing a ceremony with at the moment love these words but have asked me if I can find the rest? As though it might be from a longer reading? JulieRrobinson Hello Julie, I thought I should make a tiny contribution fearing that you would think we had all emigrated! From two sources I have found that it is a custom begun by the Egyptians who discovered that a very delicate nerve runs from the fourth finger, left hand to the heart. According to another there is " a vein of blood called ’vena amoris,’ (wouldn’t you guess, ) which passeth from that finger to the heart." There will no doubt be many variations of the text you quoted, I could send you my version, but in essence it is the same. Gold bands symbolise eternal unbroken love. Geraldine Jones I can’t help with the words I’m afraid but, just to put the cat amongst the pigeons, back in the early days of feminism ( and yes I’m afraid I do remember ...) the derivation of the ring was much more grim - and seen as a symbol of slavery, consequently I and many of my contemporaries did not use them at all. I suspect each generation rewrites the symbolic nature of the ring to suit, both my daughters think that the slavery idea is laughable, and indeed I do now wear a ring on the relevant finger but it is my mother’s wedding ring not mine. Ros Curtis Geraldine thank you ... maybe I could write a little more along those lines .... Rosalind .... I probably didn’t ought to say much more along those lines ... but since mostly the groom has a ring as well as the bride these days I suppose it kind of balances out :) Julie Robinson

Thread 11

Fees & Certificates

What would you do in these circumstances - your thoughts please! Last week I was contacted by a gay couple - been together for six years - he’s a Brit, he’s a Brazilian. They aren’t going to go through a legal civil partnership but who want a humanist ceremony PLUS a certificate to show that their union is serious (plus they are doing some legal thingy with a lawyer?...). They are about to pack up home here and move to Brazil permanently. ANYWAY the thing is they have asked me to perform a humanist commitment ceremony but because they are hard up (all that moving and so on) they say they can’t afford our London fee (ie we quote £650) - they were expecting c £50!!!!!



Now then...what’s a good humanist to do? All thoughts and answers appreciated... I should say I have taken a course of action (!!!) but I’d like to hear whether you’d do the same!!!! Caro Black Hmm... first reaction is that if they can pay a legal eagle to draw up some sort of agreement - then they can jolly well pay you a realistic fee for writing, preparing and conducting a ceremony. I once gently pointed out to a bride and groom that I’m not registered as a charity - the BHA is, but I’m not!! :) If it’s to be a fairly simple ceremony and both they and their venue are local, then how about negotiating something circa half the usual fee? Ray Marsh I think I’d go along with Ray Caro. But it would need to be a simple ceremony and not take up endless amounts of your time in the preparation. Having said that, half your usual fee is not far off what I charge anyway just north of London! :) Not that I begrudge you one penny of it, my dear! I donate my fees to a charity (after tax and the levy) so arguably I do them for nothing, but it still makes me cross when people are willing to pay endless amounts for other things to do with weddings/partnerships - catering and entertainment for example - and yet quibble the small amount (in percentage terms) they are asked to pay for a celebrant. If you are going ahead with it for them, I hope they realise how lucky they are. Pam Burn I hate to be hard hearted but if you do a ceremony for £50 you are driving a horse and cart through the BHA’s policy of charging agreed fees- which is for the protection of celebrants. Sorry. Michael Imison We’ve discussed this question of wedding fees more than once at our Wales meetings of celebrants, and I think the view has been put that there are broadly two types of wedding clients - those couples who want the full works and are able and willing to pay, and those trying to do the thing as economically as possible, which is laudable in an age of conspicuous consumption. So we settled this year on a standard fee of £350 - so one solution for you, Caroline, is pack ’em off to Wales! I agree with Michael on this - where do you draw the line? Doesn’t the whole thing become subjective and highly negotiable, and a precedent for undercutting and conflict? I admit to saying this as one who, long before the advent of Civil Partnerships or a local network, quite often did cut-price ceremonies for gay couples living on benefits. Richard Paterson I suppose I might lower my fee in those circumstances .... and do a simple ceremony? ... but I don’t really see why they should be charged less than any other hard working couple? Julie Robinson Caro I also only charge £350 here in Derby. You could agree to do a short, simple ceremony for £150 +expenses and explain that that is less than the cost of a bridal bouquet at a relatively cheap wedding! I’m sure we have all been flexible at one time or another re charging, but £50 is ludicrous. As has been said, a legal document is going to cost more than that and re-locating to Brazil is going to be a costly enterprise. Why should you be compromised when it is their decision about how they choose to prioritise their spending!! Tina Pritchard



I once had a couple from Chorley who said they were unable to pay the asking fee (I think it was£250 in those days). They were doing the legal bit at the registrars but desperately wanted the best wedding day they could get. They were genuinely hard up and doing as much of the preparations as they could themselves (Bride made her own dress; they hired a room very cheaply at a working men’s club where the bride worked … did all the catering themselves … made their own flower arrangements … friends pitched in and decked the room out with balloon displays (which actually looked quite nice by the time they’d finished) … and so on). I explained how it would be unfair on other couples I’ve conducted ceremonies for were I to alter the fee just for this ceremony. However, I went on to say that there is nothing in ‘the rules’ that say they have to pay that fee all at once or (indeed) before the ceremony. I told them that the fee must remain at £250 but they should simply pay me what they could – when they could. They gave me £100 (up front) and over the following 12 / 18 months the rest of the fee arrived as and when they could afford it. I put no pressure on them, I never chased them and (to be honest) I had doubts that I’d get even half of what they owed but, to their credit, they paid every penny. I don’t think that I’d do that for just any body. I suppose it all comes down to whether you like them and trust that what they are telling you about their personal circumstances is true. It has been discussed here previously I know but I’ve certainly been pressured to ‘shave’ my fee for funerals on the grounds that the family have no money; on one such occasion (similar to the ’table decoration’ above) I remember the family bringing along a wreath that spelt out ‘GRANDMOTHER’ (at £40 per letter) … not even NAN or GRAN! The danger is that people looking to save money on weddings tend to look first at, what they consider to be, the least significant aspects of the ceremony: and for some the person speaking at the front is not nearly as important as the frock, the flowers and the photo’s. Ian Abbott Well if you can bear it, this is the string of communication between us...and look at the trouble I’ve got myself into...! this was the original e-mail to me Dear Caroline, I am a British citizen with a dual-national British-Brazilian same-sex partner of seven years. We are going to live in Brazil for a couple of years, leaving next month. Are you able to perform an affirmation on our relationship? We are not looking for a Civil Partnership as we regard that as unequal to marriage. We do need a certificate which, even though it has no legal validity, would be an indication to my family of the value I place on this relationship should something happen to me whilst in Brazil. Thanks X I was a little worried re the certificate, told X so, checked it with Tana but got an all clear - so said yes. Then got back an e-mail saying the move to Brazil was imminent and it would have to be this weekend - and so I replied thus Hi X, I have just jiggled things around so I could do Sunday morning or alternatively Saturday evening (before 8pm). Either of those possible? Call me anytime today on 020 8567 7611. We do humanist ceremonies anywhere...your home, a park, a garden, a private room anywhere (if you want to spend money on a special location) - on a bridge over the river (though that is noisy unless done at night time...which is also a possibility) - are you inviting anyone to come along? best friends? You don’t need witnesses - we believe that you are the witnesses to the vows being made. Then the MOST important thing is to get those vows agreed - I’ll send some samples once we’ve agreed Sunday is a runner. Bear in mind in humanist ceremonies these are commitments/vows/promises you write yourselves and represent the promises you are making to each other.... We have a standard fee for London based weddings £650 (and I include in that fee travel inside London so that’s the total) BUT I will negotiate if finances are an issue. talk now???? call me! 020 8567 7611 this was the reply Hi Caro, Just called, but you were engaged. I am afraid the fee is so way out of our budget that we’ll have to find something else. I was think we would come to your house for a ten minute ceremony. Thanks anyway! I replied saying I would negotiate because of circumstances - what did they think was fair/possible -and the reply back was £50.



So I said I would do it (IDIOT!) as a very simple ceremony and at my end. My driver - ethical, social, whatever - being that we should not withhold a humanist ceremony to anyone on the grounds that they can’t afford it. I didn’t hear back from them and was cogitating on the whole thing anyway and so (IDIOT!) I called my husband who said ’daft so and so - don’t undervalue yourself and humanist ceremonies’ (!!!!) and I then sent this e-mail I have been thinking about this since our last emails - and as you haven’t replied to me I am assuming you are probably no longer interested, despite my wild offer. But in the end the money isn’t the issue really, X, (although what I proposed would completely undervalue the service that humanist celebrants perform.) This is more about being a rushed job. I don’t think that’s professional or, for me, particularly ethical. I would want to talk to you both, to understand where you are coming from and to ensure that your motivations for a humanist ceremony are indeed according to humanist principles. So on reflection I’m afraid that I’m going to decline on these grounds. I am sorry but with no time to talk it feels all wrong to me. best regards caroline I got back this e-mail this morning Sorry. I seem to have missed an email. I am not sure an ethical case can be developed from a missed ’phone call, but that is your choice. I am essentially seeking to save my partner from destitution in the event of anything happening to me. I don’t know if this accords with Humanism and, frankly, don’t much care. Presently I lack the money for comfortable middle class morality. I am dealing with existential need. We are not allowed to marry and have too much dignity to enter into a second class ’civil partnership’. I am telling you this not because we want your help - we do not - but so that you do cause upset to others in the future. Over the last few years I have gone from being ’the next Bill Gates’ to someone floored by depression to someone rebuilding his life. I have seen the full range of human behaviour. This is the first time anyone has raised questions about my integrity, which is about the only thing left to me. Perhaps someone who works in communications should pick their words more carefully. and my last reply this am was X I sent an e-mail saying I WOULD conduct a ceremony for you - for your proposed £50 - this weekend (i.e. at very short notice) - but didn’t hear back from you straight away (you had replied to earlier ones immediately) so assumed it was no go and also had time to think about my discomfort - hence the last e-mail. I do not know anything about you or your relationship - and humanist celebrants base the words of the ceremony around this crucial stuff. Because of urgency we have had no time to talk nor for me to get to know you. As an example, I am running a ceremony next Friday for a couple who first contacted me a year ago - and that is often the case; not always, but it’s usual, because it is considered. From the tenor of your last e-mail it is apparent that there are some highly charged feelings around right now. I am not raising questions about your integrity at all - I am highlighting my own need for understanding. I am uncomfortable with a rushed job, with a certificate (also unusual but given what you say you need I had already designed one last week) on a bank holiday weekend. But X, if this is truly important to you - and if you are prepared to talk me through your relationship before we meet and also agree vows - then I will conduct a brief ceremony this weekend - get back to me now please on the phone - 0208 567 7611 Caroline and to quote Diana Ross I’m Still Waiting You are all right of course re your excellent advice. There are a few issues here; the amount of time, meeting a couple and understanding their relationship, legality (that damned certificate) and, the least important thing for me, the amount of money we charge. I got myself into a conundrum here - haven’t had a response...will let you know. What I do know is that I am sure



something like this will crop up again sometime - if not for me then for others! Reminds me why I love funerals and find weddings/partnerships so difficult.....maybe I should just give em up!!!! Caroline Black Hi Caroline, I re-read your posting today and wondered why you were disturbed about providing a certificate. I have been dishing them out ever since I began. Using pretty paper, they simply say: "On Wednesday 20th March 200? in whatever place, Jane Smith and John Jones did make their commitments to each other before an assembly of their family and friends and did exchange rings in token of their good faith". I leave a space for them and at least two witnesses to sign. They love it, it has no legal significance and everyone is happy. I now await a flood of replies saying that I’m breaking the law! What happened to your would be clients? Did they come back to you? I do like to hear the end of a story. Christine Riley Moger First, Christine, here’s the 1st of the flood. Maybe not against the law, exactly, but I would never do this in case folk believed that it had some legal weight. Take it you tell them that it has none? A simple record is great, which the copy ceremony provides. But a signed document?! Second, & somewhat against Ray & Michael, I say that we should be relaxed about sometimes acting like a charity, & sometimes be prepared to negotiate a fee, in certain extenuating circumstances, keeping things simple. Noel Scott

I use a certificate format as the front piece to the copy of the script I give to couples and if they express a desire to include some sort of certificate signing as part of the ceremony then I (slightly) amend the same certificate to facilitate that.. As long as the certificate does not state anything that isn’t true then I see no reason to be cautious. Ian Abbott Well Christine after that it all went quiet and I never heard from them again! my only issue re certificates was the way they seemed to want a quick proof of their status as partners when that’s presumably what the lawyers were providing...they just seemed to want some sort of ’official’ papers....anyway thanks for response...onwards and upwards with a partnership ceremony on a Thames barge in August - a lovely couple who know what they want and why they want it!!!! Caro Black

Thread 12

Contracts

I recently met a couple plus their two small children, to discuss their celebration later this year. All seemed to go well & as they were preparing to leave, I gave them two copies of the contract I use, plus an explanatory letter, offering them the chance to decide back home if we could work together. Several weeks later they emailed me to say no thank you. They had found a celebrant who lives much nearer to them, but they also commented unfavourably on my use of a contract. In my reply I suggested that whatever form it took, that clients & celebrants do enter into a contract. Mine just happen to be on paper. How do other celebrants manage the "contractual" relationship & has any else had the use of a printed contract put forward as one reason for a refusal? Frank Bonner I asked my first wedding couple to sign a contract - which they did after a couple of weeks. All was OK. But there was something about it which I was unsure about - so I havn’t done it since. So far so good - but ........ I had one funeral where they didn’t want me because of my name. Not sure what’s wrong with Tim. Maybe it was Chicken? Tim Chicken



Funny you should say that Tim - I did the same with my first wedding ceremony last year. Although the couple were fine about signing, I didn’t feel comfortable about it so I haven’t used it since. Frank and I did our weddings training together (Hi Frank!) and I think it was something which was suggested there. I am sure it works for many people but I just decided it wasn’t for me. I have had one cancellation (one half of a couple lost their jobs and they couldn’t afford to have the wedding as planned, though they hope to next year). I returned their deposit for which they were grateful and I have them pencilled in for next year if all goes well for them financially. I’m OK with this but I suspect I would feel differently if I had done all the work on their script and then got canned!! Pam Burn After being advised by colleagues to use contracts for weddings, I have always done so. I explain that it means that I have to find an alternative celebrant if I have to pull out for illness or whatever, and that they lose their deposit (half the fee) if they pull out. I was indeed once ill and found another person to take the ceremony at short notice. No-one has objected, and it once came in useful when a couple were very very slow at paying the balance after the ceremony. Aren’t we all different? Makes life interesting, if more complicated ... Sue Willson I’ve never used a contract, never taken a deposit and never been let down. I’ve once or twice had to chase couples who have been slow to pay, sufferers from ’Busy Life Syndrome’, but I doubt if a contract would have speeded things up, nor do I think a contract would help if I were to be unable to officiate because of illness - either a colleague could fill in or not. Maybe if I were as busy as our friends in Scotland that might have to change. Richard Paterson I do use a contract for weddings. After I had been badly stung (see below), I always write to a couple, repeating the details - time, place etc and re-quoting the price. If I can, I like to talk to people on the phone first so I can explain what I will do as part of the fee. Then I send out info in 2 parts. Some leaflets, the contract and a suggested format for a ceremony and ask them to write and confirm they want me to do the ceremony. As they are likely to have a contract with hotels etc etc, I think it looks more businesslike. When I receive a deposit, I send them a couple of scripts from previous ceremonies to give them ideas and start them off, as well as poems etc. For the first 2 or 3 weddings I did, I sent out scripts to them then one couple cancelled and I was almost positive that they were using my ideas without paying me so I have been a lot more careful since. I ahve had trouble with bad payers once or twice and the contract is then quite useful, as Sue says. June Williams

Thread 13

Declaration for a gay wedding

I need a great form of a declaration/proclamation (the I now pronounce you....bit) for a gay couple and I am sure round the network there are some great creative examples! I have one but would like to hear other views if you have a min please!!! Caroline Black I usually say something on the lines of: ’Sid and Wally, I now pronounce you partners in life. May your days together be long and filled with love and laughter.’ Christine Riley Moger “So now join hands and rejoice, **** and ***, for you are truly wedded to each other, and begin a new life in love, trust and loyalty from this time henceforward. “



or simply “I think I may now say you are well and truly married.” Bobby Mill

Poetry

I rely on you (most effective read in an appropriately deadpan voice, preferably with a Lancashire accent – Johnny Vegas, Mike Harding or John Hegley for example)

I rely on you

like a Skoda needs suspension like the aged need a pension like a trampoline needs tension like a bungee jump needs apprehension I rely on you like a camera needs a shutter like a gambler needs a flutter like a golfer needs a putter like a buttered scone involves some butter I rely on you like an acrobat needs ice cool nerve like a hairpin needs a drastic curve like an HGV needs endless derv like an outside left needs a body swerve I rely on you like a handyman needs pliers like an auctioneer needs buyers like a laundromat needs driers like The Good Life needed Richard Briers I rely on you like a water vole needs water like a brick outhouse needs mortar like a lemming to the slaughter Ryan’s just Ryan without his daughter I rely on you © Hovis (sic) Presley 1994

I Wanna Be Yours

let me be your vacuum cleaner breathing in your dust let me be your ford cortina i will never rust if you like your coffee hot



let me be your coffee pot you call the shots i wanna be yours let me be your raincoat for those frequent rainy days let me be your dreamboat when you wanna sail away let me be your teddy bear take me with you anywhere i don’t care I wanna be yours let me be your electric meter i will not run out let me be the electric heater you get cold without i wanna be your setting lotion hold your hair in deep devotion deep as the deep atlantic ocean that’s how deep is my devotion deep deep deep deep de deep deep i don’t wanna be hers i wanna be yours john Cooper Clarke

‘I’ll Be There’

I’ll be there my darling Through thick and through thin When your mind is a mess And your head’s in a spin When your planes been delayed When you’ve missed the last train When life is just threatening To drive you insane When your thrilling ‘who-dunnit’ Has lost its last page When somebody tells you ‘You’re looking your age’ When you ordered the korma But got the madras When you wake in the night And think you smell gas When you park for five minutes In a residents bay And return to discover You’ve been towed away When the dentist looks into Your mouth and just sighs



When your heroes turn out To be wimps in disguise When the food you like most Brings you out in red rashes When as soon as you boot up The ruddy thing crashes So my darling, my sweetheart, my dear ….. When you spill your beer When you shed a tear When your last in the queue Don’t feel blue Because I’m telling you I’ll be there I’ll be there - I’ll be there for you! by Louse Cudden.

Edward Lear’s The Duck and the Kangaroo’? (Suggested by Christine Riley – Moger

for Pam Burn’s niece who was marrying an Australian) Said the Duck to the Kangaroo, "Good gracious! how you hop! Over the fields and the water too, As if you never would stop! My life is a bore in this nasty pond, And I long to go out in the world beyond! I wish I could hop like you!" Said the Duck to the Kangaroo. "Please give me a ride on your back!" Said the Duck to the Kangaroo. "I would sit quite still, and say nothing but ’quack’, The whole of the long day through! And we’d go to the Dee, and the Jelly Bo Lee, Over the land, and over the sea; - Please take me a ride! O do!" Said the Duck to the Kangaroo. Said the Kangaroo to the Duck, "This requires some little reflection; Perhaps on the whole it might bring me luck, And there seems but one objection, Which is, if you’ll let me speak so bold, Your feet are unpleasantly wet and cold, And would probably give me the roo- Matiz!" said the Kangaroo. Said the Duck, "As I sate on the rocks, I have thought that over completely, And I bought four pairs of worsted socks Which fit my web-feet neatly. And to keep out the cold I’ve bought a cloak,



And every day a cigar I’ll smoke, All to follow my own dear true Love of a Kangaroo!" Said the Kangaroo, "I’m ready! All in the moonlight pale; But to balance me well, dear Duck, sit steady! And quite at the end of my tail!" So away they went with a hop and a bound, And they hopped the whole world three times round; And who so happy,- oh who, As the Duck and the Kangaroo? Edward Lear And another thing. Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion, it is not the desire to mate every second minute of the day, it is not lying awake at night imagining that she is kissing every cranny of your body. No, don’t blush, I am telling you some truths. That is just being “In love”, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches, we found that we were one tree and not two. ‘Captain Corelli’s Mandolin’ – by Louis de Bernieres (1994)

i carry your heart with me

(i carry it in my heart) i am never without it (anywhere i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling) i fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true) and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you here is the deepest secret nobody knows (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide) and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart) e.e.cummings

Precious You

You were my breath You were my being You were my laughter You were my tears You were my safety You were my adventure



You were my lover You are my belovéd, forever. Joan Moffat

On Your Wedding Day

Today is a day you will always remember the greatest in anyone’s life. You’ll start off the day just two people in love and end it as Husband and Wife. It’s a brand-new beginning, the start of a journey, with moments to cherish and treasure and although there’ll be times when you both disagree these will surely be outweighed by pleasure. You’ll have heard many words of advice in the past when the secrets of marriage were spoken, but you know that the answers lie hidden inside where the bond of true love lies unbroken. So live happy forever as lovers and friends it’s the dawn of a new life for you, as you stand there together with love in your eyes from the moment you whisper ‘I do.’ And, with luck, all your hopes and your dreams can be real may success find its way to your hearts, tomorrow can bring you the greatest of joys but today is the day it all starts. Anon

Always

This isn't sometime This is always This isn't maybe This is always The real beginning of forever This isn't just midsummer madness A passing glow, a moments gladness This is love. I knew it on the night we met You tied a string around my heart So how could I forget you? With every kiss I know that this Is always Anon



Yes, I'll Marry You –

Yes, I'll marry you, my dear, And here's the reason why; So I can push you out of bed When the baby starts to cry, And if we hear a knocking And it's creepy and it's late, I hand you the torch you see, And you investigate. Yes I'll marry you, my dear, You may not apprehend it, But when the tumble-drier goes It's you that has to mend it, You have to face the neighbour Should our labrador attack him, And if a drunkard fondles me It's you that has to whack him. Yes, I'll marry you, You're virile and you're lean, My house is like a pigsty You can help to keep it clean. That sexy little dinner Which you served by candlelight, As I do chipolatas, You can cook it every night! It's you who has to work the drill and put up curtain track, And when I've got PMT it's you who gets the flak, I do see great advantages, But none of them for you, And so before you see the light, I do, I do, I do! Pam Ayres

The Art of a Good Marriage

Happiness in marriage is not something that just happens. A good marriage must be created. In marriage, the little things are the big things.. It is never being too old to hold hands, It is remembering to say “I Love You” at least once a day, It is never going to sleep angry, It is having a mutual sense of values and common objectives, It is standing together facing the world. It is forming a circle of love that draws in the whole family. It is speaking words of appreciation and demonstrating gratitude in thoughtful ways. It is having the capacity to forgive and forget.



It is giving each other an atmosphere in which each can grow. It is a common search for the good and beautiful. It is not only marrying the right partner, It is being the right partner. by Wilfred Peterson

Marriage

Marriage is about giving and taking And forgiving and forsaking Kissing and loving and pushing and shoving Caring and sharing and screaming and swearing About being together whatever the weather About being driven to the end of your tether About sweetness and kindness And wisdom and blindness It’s about being strong when you’re feeling quite weak It’s about saying nothing when you’re dying to speak It’s about being wrong when you know you are right It’s about giving in, before there’s a fight Never heeding advice that was always well meant Never counting the cost until it’s all spent And for you two today it’s about to begin And for all that the two of you had to put in Some days filled with joy, and some days with sadness Too late you’ll discover that marriage is madness Anon

The Passionate Shepherd to his Love

Come live with me and be my love, And we will all the pleasures prove That valleys, groves, hills, and fields, Woods or steepy mountain yields. And we will sit upon the rocks, Seeing the shepherds feed their flocks, By shallow rivers to whose falls Melodious birds sing madrigals. And I will make thee beds of roses And a thousand fragrant posies, A cap of flowers, and a kirtle Embroidered all with leaves of myrtle; A gown made of the finest wool Which from our pretty lambs we pull; Fair lined slippers for the cold, With buckles of the purest gold; A belt of straw and ivy buds, With coral clasps and amber studs: And if these pleasures may thee move, Come live with me and be my love.



The shepherds' swains shall dance and sing For thy delight each May morning: If these delights thy mind may move, Then live with me and be my love. Christopher Marlowe

Us two

Wherever I am, there's always Pooh, There's always Pooh and Me. Whatever I do, he wants to do, "Where are you going today?" says Pooh: "Well, that's very odd 'cos I was too. Let's go together," says Pooh, says he. "Let's go together," says Pooh. "What's twice eleven?" I said to Pooh. ("Twice what?" said Pooh to Me.) "I think it ought to be twenty-two." "Just what I think myself," said Pooh. "It wasn't an easy sum to do, But that's what it is," said Pooh, said he. "That's what it is," said Pooh. "Let's look for dragons," I said to Pooh. "Yes, let's," said Pooh to Me. We crossed the river and found a few- "Yes, those are dragons all right," said Pooh. "As soon as I saw their beaks I knew. That's what they are," said Pooh, said he. "That's what they are," said Pooh. "Let's frighten the dragons," I said to Pooh. "That's right," said Pooh to Me. "I'm not afraid," I said to Pooh, And I held his paw and I shouted "Shoo! Silly old dragons!"- and off they flew. "I wasn't afraid," said Pooh, said he, "I'm never afraid with you." So wherever I am, there's always Pooh, There's always Pooh and Me. "What would I do?" I said to Pooh, "If it wasn't for you," and Pooh said: "True, It isn't much fun for One, but Two,Can stick together, says Pooh, says he. "That's how it is," says Pooh by AA Milne:

Eskimo love song

You are my husband, you are my wife My feet shall run because of you My feet dance because of you



My heart shall beat because of you My eyes see because of you My mind thinks because of you And I shall love, because of you.

Love’s Philosophy

The fountains mingle with the rivers And the rivers with the oceans, The winds of heaven mix forever With a sweet emotion; Nothing in the world is single; All things by law divine In one spirit meet and mingle. Why not I with thine? See the mountains kiss high heaven And the waves clasp one another; No sister-flower would be forgiven If it disdained its brother, And the sunlight clasps the earth And the moonbeams kiss the sea: What is all this sweet work worth If thou kiss not me? Percy Bysshe Shelley )

Getting married

getting Married means you'll have Someone's hand to hold, Even when you're feeling sick, Even when you're old. It means when you sit down to eat, Someone will be there, So you won't have to tell your day To an empty chair. It means that when you need some help, Someone will help out, Someone always near to you So you won't have to shout. But best of all is when it's time To turn out all the lights: You won't have to be alone Those long and scary nights. So even though you don't have toys, You don't have to care: Once you're married you can be Each other's teddy bear! Anon

He Never Leaves the Toilet Seat up

He never leaves the seat up Or wet towels upon the floor The toothpaste has the lid on



And he always shuts the door! He's very clean and tidy Though he may sometimes delude Leave your things out at your peril In a second they'll have moved! She romances him and dines him Home cooked dinners and the like She even knows his favourite food And spoils him day and night! She's thoughtful when he looks at her A smile upon his face Will he look that good in 50 years When his dentures aren't in place?! He says he loves her figure And her mental prowess too But when gravity takes her over Will she charm with her IQ? She says she loves his kindness And his patience is a must And of course she thinks he's handsome Which in her eyes is a plus! They're both not wholly perfect But who are we to judge He can be pig headed Where as she won't even budge! All that said and done They love the time they spend together And I hope as I'm sure you do That this fine day will last forever. He'll be more than just her husband He'll also be her friend And she'll be more than just his wife She'll be his soul mate 'till the end. Anon

A Poem for Bride and groom

This poem is for Bride and Groom A married couple now It's a token of the love they share And the thought behind each vow Could make a refreshing change? Tread Softly by W.B. Yeats HAD I the heavens’ embroidered cloths, Enwrought with golden and silver light, The blue and the dim and the dark cloths Of night and light and the half light, I would spread the cloths under your feet:



But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams Anon

A Lovely Love Story

The fierce Dinosaur was trapped inside his cage of ice. Although it was cold he was happy in there. It was, after all, his cage. Then along came the Lovely Other Dinosaur. The Lovely Other Dinosaur melted the Dinosaur's cage with kind words and loving thoughts. I like this Dinosaur, thought the Lovely Other Dinosaur. Although he is fierce he is also tender and he is funny. He is also quite clever although I will not tell him this for now. I like this Lovely Other Dinosaur, thought the Dinosaur. She is beautiful and she is different and she smells so nice. She is also a free spirit which is a quality I much admire in a Dinosaur. But he can be so distant and so peculiar at times, thought the Lovely Other Dinosaur. He is also overly fond of things. Are all Dinosaurs so overly fond of things? But her mind skips from here to there so quickly, thought the Dinosaur. She is also uncommonly keen on shopping. Are all Lovely Other Dinosaurs so uncommonly keen on shopping? I will forgive his peculiarity and his concern for things, thought the Lovely Other Dinosaur. For they are part of what make him a richly charactered individual. I will forgive her skipping mind and her fondness for shopping, thought the Dinosaur. For she fills our life with beautiful thought and wonderful surprises. Besides, I am not unkeen on shopping either. Now the Dinosaur and Lovely Other Dinosaur are old. Look at them. Together they stand on the hill telling each other stories and feeling the warmth of the sun on their backs. And that, my friends, is how it is with love. Let us all be Dinosaurs and Lovely Other Dinosaurs together. For the sun is warm. And the world is a beautiful place. by Edward Monkton

Marriage Fulfills the Dreams and Love Two People Share

Everyone searches for one special person They can share their lives with. The other half who makes them whole, Like two notes blending together to make a beautiful song, Or the colours that complement Each other to form a rainbow. It is everyone’s wish to have a lifetime of sunny days, A rainbow after every storm; A lifetime of loving and living and growing and giving, Of sharing and caring; a lifetime of days together, Learning from the bad times and cherishing the good times. Marriage is everything your heart desires And the strength, courage and determination to work for it. In marriage you take care of each other’s heart And hold on to what you share. You hold it gently so it doesn’t smother



And firmly so it doesn’t slip away. Hold it so that it can grow And you can grow together And live and laugh and love together always. By Glenda Wilm

MARRIAGE IS

Someone to believe in And to put their trust in you Someone who appreciates The special things you do, Someone to be close to, In your heart and mind, Someone who’s the love You might have thought you’d never find, Someone who stands by you And whose faith can make you strong, Someone you will cherish Every day, your whole life long. By Emily Matthews

Indian Wedding Blessing

Now we feel no rain for each of us will be a shelter to the other, Now we feel no cold for each of us will be warmth to the other, Now there is no loneliness for each of us will be A companion to the other We are two bodies but there is one life before us and one home. When evening falls I’ll look up and there you will be, I’ll take your hand, you’ll take mine and we’ll turn together To look at the road we travelled to reach this the hour of our happiness It stretches behind us, even as the future lies ahead. A long and winding road whose every turning Means discovery. Old hopes, new laughter, shared fears - The adventure has just begun.

Chapter One of One Thousand

For two people this dawn brought on a magical day Now husband and wife they head on their way As a boat setting sail may their journey begin With calmest of waters, most helpful of wind And if they should stumble upon turbulent sea May it pass them unharming – leave them be. For here are two people whom love has well bitten Here opens their book which has yet to be written As the first page unfolds and their life inks its path May it write a true story where forever love lasts Let their journey be happy till death do they part Of one thousand chapters may this be the start. By O.J.Preston



I Love You

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz, or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off. I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret, between the shadow and the soul. I love you as the plant that never blooms but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers; thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance, risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body. I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride; so I love you because I know no other way than this: Where “I” does not exist, nor “You”, so close that your hand on my chest is my hand, so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep. Kahlil Ghibran

Irish Blessing

May the road rise to meet you, May the wind be always at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face, The rains fall soft upon your fields. Until we meet again, May you see your children's children. May you be poor in misfortune, Rich in blessings, May you know nothing but happiness From this day forward. May the road rise to meet you May the wind be always at your back May the warm rays of sun fall upon your home And may the hand of a friend always be near. May green be the grass you walk on, May blue be the skies above you, May pure be the joys that surround you, May true be the hearts that love you.

Love Has

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself. But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires: To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night. To know the pain of too much tenderness. To be wounded by your own understanding of love; And to bleed willingly and joyfully. To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving; To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy; To return home at eventide with gratitude; And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise on your lips When two people are at one in their inmost hearts, they shatter even the strength of iron or bronze.



And when two people understand each other in their inmost hearts, their words are sweet and strong, like the fragrance of orchids. Kahlil Ghibran

Fidelity

Man and woman are like the earth, that brings forth flowers in summer, and love, but underneath is rock. Older than flowers, older than ferns, older than foraminiferae, older than plasm altogether is the soul underneath. And when, throughout all the wild chaos of love slowly a gem forms, in the ancient, once-more-molten rocks of two human hearts, two ancient rocks, a man's heart and a woman's, that is the crystal of peace, the slow hard jewel of trust, the sapphire of fidelity. The gem of mutual peace emerging from the wild chaos of love. by D.H. Lawrence

Eskimo Love Song

You are my husband, you are my wife My feet shall run because of you My feet dance because of you My heart shall beat because of you My eyes see because of you My mind thinks because of you And I shall love, because of you.

Why Marriage?

Because to the depths of me, I long to love one person, With all my heart, my soul, my mind, my body... Because I need a forever friend to trust with the intimacies of me, Who won't hold them against me, Who loves me when I'm unlikable, Who sees the small child in me, and Who looks for the divine potential of me... Because I need to cuddle in the warmth of the night With someone who thanks God for me, With someone I feel blessed to hold... Because marriage means opportunity To grow in love in friendship... Because marriage is a discipline To be added to a list of achievements... Because marriages do not fail, people fail When they enter into marriage Expecting another to make them whole... Because, knowing this, I promise myself to take full responsibility For my spiritual, mental and physical wholeness I create me,



I take half of the responsibility for my marriage Together we create our marriage... Because with this understanding The possibilities are limitless. by Mari Nichols

Hope Is The Thing With Feathers

Hope is the thing with feathers That perches in the soul, And sings the tune without the words, And never stops at all, And sweetest in the gale is heard; And sore must be the storm That could abash the little bird That kept so many warm. I've heard it in the chilliest land, And on the strangest sea; Yet, never, in extremity It asked a crumb of me. by Emily Dickinson

How do I love thee?

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love thee to the depth and breadth and height My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight For the ends of Being an Ideal Grace. I love thee to the level of every day's Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light. I love thee freely, as men strive for Right; I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise. I love thee with the passion put to use In my old grief's, and with my childhood's faith. I love thee with a love I seemed to lose With my lost saints,--I love thee with the breath, Smiles, tears, of all my life!--and, if God choose, I shall but love thee better after death. by Elizabeth Barrett Browning

The Good-Morrow

I wonder by my troth, what thou and I Did, till we loved ? were we not weaned till then ? But sucked on country pleasures, childishly ? Or snorted we in the Seven Sleepers' den ? 'Twas so ; but this, all pleasures fancies be; If ever any beauty I did see, Which I desired, and got, 'twas but a dream of thee. And now good-morrow to our waking souls,



Which watch not one another out of fear; For love all love of other sights controls, And makes one little room an everywhere. Let sea-discoverers to new worlds have gone; Let maps to other, worlds on worlds have shown; Let us possess one world ; each hath one, and is one. My face in thine eye, thine in mine appears, And true plain hearts do in the faces rest; Where can we find two better hemispheres Without sharp north, without declining west ? Whatever dies, was not mixed equally; If our two loves be one, or thou and I Love so alike that none can slacken, none can die by John Donne

Believe Me, If All Those Endearing Young Charms

Believe me, if all those endearing young charms, Which I gaze on so fondly to-day, Were to change by to-morrow, and fleet in my arms, Live fairy-gifts fading away, Thou wouldst still be adored, as this moment thou art, Let thy loveliness fade as it will, And around the dear ruin each wish of my heart Would entwine itself verdantly still. It is not while beauty and youth are thine own, And thy cheeks unprofaned by a tear, That the fervor and faith of a soul may be known, To which time will but make thee more dear! No, the heart that has truly loved never forgets, But as truly loves on to the close, As the sunflower turns on her god when he sets The same look which she turned when he rose! by Thomas Moore

The Married Lover

WHY, having won her, do I woo? Because her spirit's vestal grace Provokes me always to pursue, But, spirit-like, eludes embrace; Because her womanhood is such That, as on court-days subjects kiss The Queen's hand, yet so near a touch Affirms no mean familiarness, Nay, rather marks more fair the height Which can with safety so neglect To dread, as lower ladies might, That grace could meet with disrespect; Thus she with happy favor feeds Allegiance from a love so high



That thence no false conceit proceeds Of difference bridged, or state put by; Because, although in act and word As lowly as a wife can be Her manners, when they call me lord, Remind me 'tis by courtesy; Not with her least consent of will, Which would my proud affection hurt, But by the noble style that still Imputes an unattained desert; Because her gay and lofty brows, When all is won which hope can ask, Reflect a light of hopeless snows That bright in virgin ether bask; Because, though free of the outer court I am, this Temple keeps its shrine Sacred to heaven; because, in short, She's not and never can be mine. by Coventry Patmore

From Hamlet

Doubt thou the stars are fire; Doubt that the sun doth move; Doubt truth to be a liar; But never doubt I love. by William Shakespeare

First Corinthians

Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.

A Gift From the Sea

One recognises the truth of Saint Exupery's line: Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction. For in fact, man and woman are not only looking outward in the same direction, they are working outward. Here one forms ties, roots, a firm base....Here one makes oneself part of the community of men, of human society. Here the bonds of marriage are formed. For marriage, which is always spoken of as a bond, becomes actually, in this stage, many bonds, many strands, of different texture and strength, making up a web that is taut and firm. The web is fashioned of love. Yes, but many kinds of love: romantic love first, then a slow-growing devotion and, playing through these, a constantly rippling companionship. It is made of loyalties, and interdependencies, and shared experiences. It is woven of memories of meetings and conflicts; of triumphs and disappointments. It is a web of communication, a common language, and the acceptance of lack of language too, a knowledge of likes and dislikes, of habits and reactions, both physical and mental. It is a web of instincts and intuitions, and known and unknown exchanges. The web of marriage is made by propinquity, in the day to day living side by side, looking outward and working outward in the same direction. It is woven in space and in time of the substance of life itself. by Anne Morrow Lindbergh



Gathering

Here, in our best bib and tucker we flock, drawn from all the hell over, iron filings to love’s magnet, an intricate pattern, a one-time convergence of friends and relations, a living mandala; young and old, nephews and nieces, sisters, brothers, parents, grandfather, and all those others that you got to choose for yourselves, agglomerating to hold you in the centre. Slow in coming, swift in passing, this day, slow but long-lasting the major choice confirmed, hardly inevitable, yet falling into place as though it were just what we always expected. So, *** and ***, we join as you join in celebrating love- yours for each other, of course, ours, as you must know, for you - circling, cherishing, blessing, releasing, love, the core of it all. by William H. Matchett.

Blessing

Scattered from hands of love like bread for wild birds Flung like rainbows of confetti from hands of joy Released like drops of warm and living rain We shower you with blessings. May companionship sustain you and Love be your walking guide. Joy, the bricks which build your house Laughter, the cement that makes you strong. Compassion, the roof which shelters you In its strong and caring arms. May the path you walk together be the quiet path of harmony Respecting each other’s differences. May friends and family gather at your table. May life be long and at its end, May the gaze which falls each upon the other Be still alive with love And twinkle yet with laughter Health, gladness and love always Dear ******, dear ******. With hearts filled with joy we celebrate Your Wedding Day. Angela Phipps



Four Greetings.

Mirth of the eyes be yours Candour of speech be yours Sureness of touch be yours Dance of the mind be yours The midst of the glen The weight of the hours Suspicion, worry, caution Lift away from you In the hollow of your meeting On the slope of your reclining At the gate of your parting Grace, warmth, resourcefulness No fear within you No loss upon you No malice near you The stars above you Thomas C Clark

White Writing

No vows written to wed you, I write them white, my lips on yours, light in the soft hours of our married years. No prayers written to bless you, I write them white, your soul a flame, bright in the window of your maiden name. No laws written to guard you, I write them white, your hand in mine, palm against palm, lifeline, heartline. No rules written to guide you, I write them white, words on the wind, traced with a stick where we walk on the sand. No news written to tell you, I write it white, foam on a wave as we lift up our skirts in the sea, wade, see last gold sun behind clouds, inked water in moonlight. No poems written to praise you, I write them white. Carol Ann Duffy

One Cigarette

No smoke without you, my fire. After you left, your cigarette glowed on in my ashtray



and sent up a long thread of such quiet grey I smiled to wonder who would believe its signal of so much love. One cigarette in the non-smoker's tray. As the last spire trembles up, a sudden draught blows it winding into my face. Is it smell, is it taste? You are here again, and I am drunk on your tobacco lips. Out with the light. Let the smoke lie back in the dark. Till I hear the very ash sigh down among the flowers of brass I'll breathe, and long past midnight, your last kiss. Edwin Morgan

Strawberries

There were never strawberries like the ones we had that sultry afternoon sitting on the step of the open french window facing each other your knees held in mine the blue plates in our laps the strawberries glistening in the hot sunlight we dipped them in sugar looking at each other not hurrying the feast for one to come the empty plates laid on the stone together with the two forks crossed and I bent towards you sweet in that air in my arms abandoned like a child from your eager mouth the taste of strawberries in my memory lean back again let me love you let the sun beat on our forgetfulness one hour of all the heat intense and summer lightning on the Kilpatrick hills let the storm wash the plates Edwin Morgan



Freedom and Love

How delicious is the winning Of a kiss at love's beginning, When two mutual hearts are sighing For the knot there's no untying! Ye remember, 'midst your wooing, Love has bliss, but Love has ruing; Other smiles may make you fickle, Tears for other charms may trickle. Love he comes, and Love he tarries, Just as fate or fancy carries; Longest stays, when sorest chidden; Laughs and flies, when press'd and bidden. Bind the sea to slumber stilly, Bind its odour to the lily, Bind the aspen ne'er to quiver, Then bind Love to last for ever. Love's a fire that needs renewal Of fresh beauty for its fuel: Love's wing moults when caged and captured, Only free, he soars enraptured. Can you keep the bee from ranging Or the ringdove's neck from changing? No! nor fetter'd Love from dying In the knot there's no untying. Thomas Campbell

The Constant Lover

I have a lass, I love her dear, She's worthy of my kindest love, I have but one, I'll have no more, I'll ever constant to her prove. She has my heart, and ever shall, I'll love her till the day I die ; And I have hers, and that is all A leman asks who loves like me. When gloomy care and fell despair Begin to rankle in my breast, If thoughts of her find entrance there, They win me to my wonted rest. If fortune e'er, with smiling eye, Beam on my humble lot again, My lovely lass shall happy be, Or fortune's smiles are all in vain. Dame Fortune need not smile on me Unless it were to make her blest, Without her, what can pleasure be ? No worldly wealth could give me rest. The flowers may bloom, the sun may shine, And friends may try my thoughts to cheer; But nought can lift this heart of mine, Till I am with my Jeanie dear. By Thomas Campbell



My Dear and Only Love

My dear and only Love, I pray This noble world of thee Be govern'd by no other sway But purest monarchy; For if confusion have a part, Which virtuous souls abhor, And hold a synod in thy heart, I'll never love thee more. Like Alexander I will reign, And I will reign alone, My thoughts shall evermore disdain A rival on my throne. He either fears his fate too much, Or his deserts are small, That puts it not unto the touch To win or lose it all. But I must rule and govern still, And always give the law, And have each subject at my will, And all to stand in awe. But 'gainst my battery, if I find Thou shunn'st the prize so sore As that thou sett'st me up a blind, I'll never love thee more. Or in the empire of thy heart, Where I should solely be, Another do pretend a part And dares to vie with me; Or if committees thou erect, And go on such a score, I'll sing and laugh at thy neglect, And never love thee more. But if thou wilt be constant then, And faithful of thy word, I'll make thee glorious by my pen And famous by my sword: I'll serve thee in such noble ways Was never heard before; I'll crown and deck thee all with bays, And love thee evermore. Charles Spence

youth and love 1

ONCE only by the garden gate Our lips we joined and parted. I must fulfil an empty fate And travel the uncharted. Hail and farewell! I must arise, Leave here the fatted cattle, And paint on foreign lands and skies My Odyssey of battle



The untented Kosmos my abode, I pass, a wilful stranger: My mistress still the open road And the bright eyes of danger. Come ill or well, the cross, the crown, The rainbow or the thunder I fling my soul and body down For man to plough them under. James Graham

youth and love ii

To the heart of youth the world is a highwayside. Passing for ever, he fares; and on either hand, Deep in the gardens golden pavilions hide, Nestle in orchard bloom, and far on the level land Call him with lighted lamp in the eventide. Thick as the stars at night when the moon is down, Pleasures assail him. James Graham

The Wedding Reel

True love which lovers promise has one aim: if you are two, then you’ll be two the same As plants that grow around the tree in vines where shoots climb elms to shelter from the wind As king and queen are printed on a suit of cards in every game they play with their whole Hearts As ring and finger from today will go together fitting two hands, handfast to one another As silver buckles on a belt are clasped so linked in love they’ll live and hold at last As two streams flow to join the greater river the land between is fruitful, blessed for ever As verse and tune match one harmonious ideal you’ll dance barefoot in the first wedding reel The love which lovers promise to themselves is meant to make two separate pasts become a single present. Robert Louis Stevenson

Love Poem

Yours is the face that the earth turns to me, Continuous beyond its human features lie The mountain forms that rest against the sky. With your eyes, the reflecting rainbow, the sun's light Sees me; forest and flower, bird and beast Know and hold me forever in the world's thought, Creation's deep untroubled retrospect. When your hand touches mine it is the earth That takes me--the green grass, And rocks and rivers; the green graves,



And children still unborn, and ancestors, In love passed down from hand to hand from God. Your love comes from the creation of the world, From those paternal fingers, streaming through the clouds That break with light the surface of the sea. Here, where I trace your body with my hand, Love's presence has no end; For these, your arms that hold me, are the world's. In us, the continents, clouds and oceans meet Our arbitrary selves, extensive with the night, Lost, in the heart's worship, and the body's sleep. By Kathleen Raine

Bridal Day

This bridal day with gold I will enchain, And wear its hours like rubies on my heart, That you and I from Love may never part While still these jeweled monuments remain Compton Mackenzie

Love Poem,

The ways will never part for us, I tell you now. I write this in November among the autumn leaves the masks of Halloween, that red Remembrance day. We have had too much frost and high snow together. It is time for us to say; This ring which once was salt breeds blossoms round the bone, and a whole life's union. The sea stormy above is always calm beneath. The anchor will still hold though the yachts dance and froth in tantrums near the shore, their masts like matchsticks. For though it's autumn now the trees will soon put on their green crowns once more as we too shall do however weasels hunt in the thick undergrowth. Dear girl in your white muffs and your red coat, I swear no gaunt wolf from my heart shall ever eat you up except through love alone, through love's most devious ways



and we two, hand in hand, shall walk through all the mirrors unsplintered to the end, till only the bones remain to stand up in all weathers under the haunting wind. Iain Crichton Smith

Valentine

Not a red rose or a satin heart. I give you an onion. It is a moon wrapped in brown paper. It promises light like the careful undressing of love. Here. It will blind you with tears like a lover. It will make your reflection a wobbling photo of grief. I am trying to be truthful. Not a cute card or a kissogram. I give you an onion. Its fierce kiss will stay on your lips, possessive and faithful as we are, for as long as we are. Take it. Its platinum loops shrink to a wedding-ring, if you like. Lethal. Its scent will cling to your fingers, cling to your knife Carol Ann Duffy

Love

The difficult part of love Is being selfish enough, Is having the blind persistence To upset an existence Just for your own sake. What cheek it must take. And then the unselfish side- How can you be satisfied, Putting someone else first So that you come off worst? My life is for me As well ignore gravity. Still, vicious or virtuous, Love suits most of us. Only the bleeder found



Selfish this wrong way round Is ever wholly rebuffed And he can get stuffed. Philip Larkin

When first we faced, and touching showed.

When first we faced, and touching showed How well we knew the early moves, Behind the moonligt and the frost, The excitement and the gratitude, There stood how much our meeting owed To other meetings, other loves. The decades of a different life That opened past your inch-close eyes Belonged to others, lavished, lost; Nor could I hold you hard enough To call my years of hunger strife Back for your mouth to colonise. Admitted and the pain is real. But when did love not try to change The world back to itself – no cost, No past, no people else at all – Only what meeting made us feel, So new, and gentle-sharp, and strange. Philip Larkin

Morning at Last

Morning at last: there in the snow Your small blunt footsteps come and go. Night has no more left to show, Not the candle, half drunk wine, Or touching joy; only this sign Of your life walking into mine. Philip Larkin

Is it for now or always?

Is it for now or for always, The world hangs on a stalk? Is it a trick or a trysting place, The woods we have found to walk? Is it a mirage or miracle, Your lips that lift at mine: And the suns like a jugglers juggling balls, Are they a sham or a sign?



Shine out my sudden angel, Break fear with breast and brow, I take you now and for always, For always is always now. Philip Larkin

“I love You”

I love you Not only for what you are, But for what I am When I am with you. I love you, Not only for what You have made of yourself, But for what You are making of me I love you For the part of me That you bring out; I love you For putting your hand Into my heaped up heart And passing over All the foolish weak things That you can’t help Dimly seeing there, And for drawing out Into the light All the beautiful belongings That no-one else had looked Quite far enough to find. I love you because you Are helping me to make Out of the lumber of my life Not a tavern But a temple. Out of the works Of my every day Not a reproach But a song. I love you Because you have done More than any creed Could have done To make me good, And more than any fate Could have done To make me happy You have done it Without a touch Without a word



Without a sign You have done it By being yourself. Perhaps that is what Being a friend means After all. By Ray Croft

Because She Would Ask Me Why I Loved Her

If questioning would make us wise No eyes would ever gaze in eyes; If all our tale were told in speech No mouths would wander each to each. Were spirits free from mortal mesh And love not bound in hearts of flesh No aching breasts would yearn to meet And find their ecstasy complete. For who is there that lives and knows The secret powers by which he grows? Were knowledge all, what were our need To thrill and faint and sweetly bleed?. Then seek not, sweet, the "If" and "Why" I love you now until I die. For I must love because I live And life in me is what you give. by Christopher Brennan

Love and Friendship -

Love is like the wild rose-briar, Friendship like the holly-tree The holly is dark when the rose-briar blooms But which will bloom most constantly? The wild-rose briar is sweet in the spring, Its summer blossoms scent the air; Yet wait till winter comes again And who will call the wild-briar fair? Then scorn the silly rose-wreath now And deck thee with the holly's sheen, That when December blights thy brow He may still leave thy garland green. by Emily Bronte



With These Rings

You are fresh words on the old stone of time. Here, silence honors you, here now, the earth turns, the sun beats, the rain sings. You are not adrift among the wheeling constellations but held by the hoop of love. Ancient as the ring of standing stones, prophetic as a snow-ring round the moon, marriage is. Wear your vows well when laughter is the wine between you or when night lies like a bolster down the middle of your bed. May the cold shoulder of the hill always afford you shelter. May the sun always seek you however dark the place. We who are wordless know thorns have roses. And when you go from this day the burnished stars go with you. When you go forward from this day, the love that grew you grows with you and marriage is struck, iron on stone, hand in hand. Janet Paisley

A dedication to my wife

To whom I owe the leaping delight That quickens my senses in our waking time And the rhythm that governs the repose of our sleeping time; The breathing in unison Of lovers whose bodies smell of each other Who think the same thoughts without the need of speech And babble the same speech without need of meaning. No peevish winter wind shall chill No sullen tropic sun shall wither The roses in the rose-garden which is ours and ours only But this dedication is for others to read: These are private words addressed to you in public.

LOVE

Born, we are mortal, dehydrated, ordinary; love is the oil that plumps us up, dilates the eyes, puts a glow on the skin, lifts us free from the weight of time. At best, love is simply the slipping of a hand in another's, of knowing you are where you belong at last. But if we have chosen to live in the private grip of love - and it seems most of us have - (and remembering at the same time that there are worse masters in the world) - perhaps we might ask what such love should be.



Not the seeking of ourselves in others, certainly, which can lead later to mutual rejection, but in acknowledging the uniqueness of the sexes, their tongue-and-groove opposites, which provides love with its natural adhesive. Love should be an act of will, of passionate patience, flexible cunning, constant proof against roasting and freezing, drought and flood, and the shifting climates of mood and age. In order to make it succeed, one must lose all preconceptions, including a reliance on milk and honey, and fashion something that can blanket the whole range of experience from ecstasy to decay. Most of all it must be built on truth, not dream, the knowledge of what we are rather than what we think it is the fashion to be. Neither person is used simply as the other's victim, but as one whose needs should also be cherished. Love approves, allows and liberates, and is not a course of moral correction, nor a penitential brainwash or a psychiatrist's couch, but a warm-bloodied acceptance of what one is. The sum of love is that it should be a meeting place, an interlocking of nerves and senses, a series of constant surprises and renewals of each others moods, a sharing of the gods of bliss and silence - best of all, a steady building, from the inside out, from the cosy centre of love's indulgences, to extend its regions to admit a larger world where children can live and breathe. Love is not merely the indulgence of one's personal taste-buds; it is also the delight in indulging another's. Also in remembering the lost beauties of such simplicities as tenderness and care, in feeling able to charm without suffering loss of status, in taking some pleasure in the act of adoring, and in being content now and then to lie by one's sleeping love and to shield her eyes from the sun. From an essay by Laurie Lee

Words on Feeling Safe

Oh the comfort of feeling safe with a person; having neither to weigh thoughts, nor measure words, but to pour them all out just as chaff and grain together, knowing that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keeping what is worth keeping and with a breath of kindness, blow the rest away. by George Eliot

Song

Come, live with me and be my love, And we will all the pleasures prove Of peace and plenty, bed and board, That chance employment may afford. I’ll handle dainties on the docks And thou shalt read of summer frocks: At evening by the sour canals We’ll hope to hear some madrigals. Care on thy maiden brow shall put A wreath of wrinkles, and thy foot Be shod with pain: not silken dress But toil shall tire thy loveliness. Hunger shall make thy modest zone And cheat fond death of all but bone—



If these delights thy mind may move, Then live with me and be my love. By Cecil Day-Lewis

Summer Night

Now sleeps the crimson petal, now the white; Nor waves the cypress in the palace walk; Nor winks the gold fin in the porphyry font: The firefly wakens: waken thou with me. Now droops the milk-white peacock like a ghost, And like a ghost she glimmers on to me. Now lies the Earth all Danae to the stars, And all thy heart lies open unto me. Now slides the silent meteor on, and leaves A shining furrow, as thy thoughts in me. Now folds the lily all her sweetness up, And slips into the bosom of the lake: So fold thyself, my dearest, thou, and slip Into my bosom and be lost in me. Alfred Tennyson, Lord Tennyson

At Last

At last, when all the summer shine That warmed life's early hours is past, Your loving fingers seek for mine And hold them close—at last—at last! Not oft the robin comes to build Its nest upon the leafless bough By autumn robbed, by winter chilled,— But you, dear heart, you love me now. Though there are shadows on my brow And furrows on my cheek, in truth,— The marks where Time's remorseless plough Broke up the blooming sward of Youth,— Though fled is every girlish grace Might win or hold a lover's vow, Despite my sad and faded face, And darkened heart, you love me now! I count no more my wasted tears; They left no echo of their fall; I mourn no more my lonesome years; This blessed hour atones for all. I fear not all that Time or Fate May bring to burden heart or brow,— Strong in the love that came so late, Our souls shall keep it always now! Elizabeth Akers Allen



A Valentine to My Wife

Accept, dear girl, this little token, And if between the lines you seek, You'll find the love I've often spoken The love my dying lips shall speak. Our little ones are making merry O'er am'rous ditties rhymed in jest, But in these words (though awkward very) The genuine article's expressed. You are as fair and sweet and tender, Dear brown-eyed little sweetheart mine, As when, a callow youth and slender, I asked to be your Valentine. What though these years of ours be fleeting? What though the years of youth be flown? I'll mock old Tempus with repeating, "I love my love and her alone!" And when I fall before his reaping, And when my stuttering speech is dumb, Think not my love is dead or sleeping, But that it waits for you to come. So take, dear love, this little token, And if there speaks in any line The sentiment I'd fain have spoken, Say, will you kiss your Valentine? by Eugene Field

ATLAS

There is a kind of love called maintenance Which stores the WD40 and knows when to use it Which checks the insurance, and doesn’t forget The milkman; which remembers to plant bulbs; Which answers letters; which knows the way The money goes; which deals with dentists And Road Fund Tax and meeting trains, And postcards to the lonely; which upholds The permanently rickety elaborate Structures of living, which is Atlas. And maintenance is the sensible side of love, Which knows what time and weather are doing To my brickwork; insulates my faulty wiring; Laughs at my dryrotten jokes; remembers My need for gloss and grouting; which keeps My suspect edifice upright in air, As Atlas did the sky. U A Fanthorpe

You're The One For Me

You're the one for me. Your eyes are like fire on a cold winter's day



Your soul burns within me Your touch blossoms my innermost passions And your voice melts my heart. You're the one for me. You are the key to unlocking My most sacred fantasies. You're the one for me, The one that wakens me When I'm at my deepest sleep With your passionate ways, The one that rivets me with Your beautiful, unique face. You're the one for me. You are the one that I want to share My life, my love with for all eternity. I will love you always and forever. You're the one for me. Dallas Fisher

I Will Be Here

If in the morning when you wake, If the sun does not appear, I will be here. If in the dark we lose sight of love, Hold my hand and have no fear, I will be here. I will be here, When you feel like being quiet, When you need to speak your mind I will listen. Through the winning, losing, and trying we'll be together, And I will be here. If in the morning when you wake, If the future is unclear, I will be here. As sure as seasons were made for change, Our lifetimes were made for years, I will be here. I will be here, And you can cry on my shoulder, When the mirror tells us we're older. I will hold you, to watch you grow in beauty, And tell you all the things you are to me. We'll be together and I will be here. I will be true to the promises I've made, To you and to the one who gave you to me. I will be here. Steven Curtis Chapman

Marriage is a promise of love

Marriage is a commitment to life - to the best that two people can find and bring out in each other. It offers opportunities for sharing and growth no other human relationship can equal, a physical and emotional joining



that is promised for a lifetime. Within the circle of its love, marriage encompasses all of life's most important relationships. A wife and husband are each other's best friend, confidant, lover, teacher, listener and critic. There may come times when one partner is heartbroken or ailing, and the love of each other may resemble the tender caring of a parent for a child. Marriage deepens and enriches every facet of life. Happiness is fuller; memories are fresher; commitment is stronger; even anger is felt more strongly and passes away more quickly. Marriage understands and forgives the mistakes life is unable to avoid. It encourages and nurtures new life, now experiences, and new ways of expressing love through the seasons of life. When two people pledge to love and care for each other in marriage, they create a spirit unique to themselves, which binds them closer than any spoken or written words. Marriage is a promise, a potential, made in the hearts of two people who love, which takes a lifetime to fulfill. Edmund O'Neill

Amo ergo sum

Because I love The sun pours out its rays of living gold Pours out its gold and silver on the sea. Because I love The earth upon her astral spindle winds Her ecstasy-producing dance. Because I love Clouds travel on the winds through wide skies, Skies wide and beautiful, blue and deep. Because I love Wind blows white sails, The wind blows over flowers, the sweet wind blows. Because I love The ferns grow green, and green the grass, and green The transparent sunlit trees. Because I love Larks rise up from the grass And all the leaves are full of singing birds. Because I love The iridescent shells upon the sand Take forms as fine and intricate as thought. Because I love There is an invisible way across the sky, Birds travel by that way, the sun and moon And all the stars travel that path by night. Because I love There is a river flowing all night long. Because I love All night the river flows into my sleep. Ten thousand living things are sleeping in my arms, And sleeping wake, and flowing are rest. Because I love The summer air quivers with a thousand wings, Myriads of jewelled eyes burn in the light. Kathleen Raine

Reprise

Geniuses of countless nations Have told their love for generations



Till all their memorable phrases Are common as goldenrod or daisies. Their girls have glimmered like the moon, Or shimmered like a summer moon, Stood like a lily, fled like a fawn, Now the sunset, now the dawn, Here the princess in the tower There the sweet forbidden flower. Darling, when I look at you Every aged phrase is new, And there are moments when it seems I've married one of Shakespeare's dreams. Ogden Nash

For the Bride and Groom

Love is the most incredible of all experiences that touch our lives. It creates for us the world that we want to live in. From the beginning of our lives, we know that love is the power that comforts and protects us; it is the one feeling that we can depend on to help us through life's ups and downs. Love is the understanding and security that never changes; it allows us to be ourselves and feel self-confident. Today, as the two of you join together and commit your love to each other, remember the lessons of love that you have always known. Let your love comfort, support and encourage you. Let your love be the best part of your lives; always know that it will make everything better, and it will make your world a place of happiness. Dena Di Jaconi

The Good Morrow

I wonder, by my troth, what thou, and I Did, till we lov'd? were we not wean'd till then? But suck'd on countrey pleasures, childishly? Or snorted we in the seaven sleepers den? T'was so; But this, all pleasures fancies bee. If ever any beauty I did see, Which I desir'd, and got, t'was but a dreame of thee. And now good morrow to our waking soules, Which watch not one another out of feare; For love, all love of other sights controules, And makes one little roome, an every where. Let sea-discoverers to new worlds have gone, Let Maps to other, worlds on worlds have showne, Let us possesse one world, each hath one, and is one. My face in thine eye, thine in mine appeares, And true plaine hearts doe in the faces rest, Where can we finde two better hemispheares Without sharpe North, without declining West? What ever dyes, was not mixt equally; If our two loves be one, or, thou and I Love so alike, that none doe slacken, none can die. John Donne



O Tell Me the Truth about Love

Some say that Love's a little boy And some say he's a bird, And some say he makes the world go round And some say that's absurd: But when I asked the man next door Who looked as if he knew, His wife was very cross indeed And said it wouldn't do. Does it look like a pair of pyjamas Or the ham in a temperance hotel, Does its odour remind one of llamas Or has it a comforting smell? Is it prickly to touch as a hedge is Or soft as eiderdown fluff, Is it sharp or quite smooth at the edge? O tell me the truth about love. The history books refer to it In cryptic little notes, And it's a common topic on The Trans-Atlantic boats; I've found the subject mentioned in Accounts of suicides, And even seen it scribbled on The backs of railway guides. Does it howl like a hungry Alsatian Or boom like a military band, Could one give a first-class imitation On a saw or a Steinway Grand, Is its singing at parties a riot, Does it only like Classical stuff, Will it stop when one wants to be quiet? O tell me the truth about love. I looked inside the summer-house, It wasn't ever there, I've tried the Thames at Maidenhead And Brighton's bracing air; I don't know what the blackbird sang or what the roses said, But it wasn't in the chicken-run Or underneath the bed. Can it pull extraordinary faces, Is it usually sick on a swing, Does it spend all its time at the races Or fiddling with pieces of string, Has it views of its own about money, Does it think Patriotism enough, Are its stories vulgar but funny? O tell me the truth about love. Your feelings when you meet it, I Am told you can't forget' I've sought it since I was a child But haven't found it yet; I'm getting on for thirty-five, And still I do not know



What kind of creature it can be That bothers people so. When it comes, will it come without warning Just as I'm picking my nose, Will it knock on my door in the morning Or tread in the bus on my toes, Will it come like a change in the weather, Will its greeting be courteous or bluff, Will it alter my life altogether? O tell me the truth about love. By W H Auden

Perfect Woman

She was a phantom of delight When first she gleam'd upon my sight; A lovely apparition, sent To be a moment's ornament; Her eyes as stars of twilight fair; Like twilight's, too, her dusky hair; But all things else about her drawn From May-time and the cheerful dawn; A dancing shape, an image gay, To haunt, to startle, and waylay. I saw her upon nearer view, A Spirit, yet a Woman too! Her household motions light and free, And steps of virgin liberty; A countenance in which did meet Sweet records, promises as sweet: A creature not too bright or good For human nature's daily food; For transient sorrows, simple wiles, Praise, blame, love, kisses, tears and smiles. And now I see with eye serene The very pulse of the machine; A being breathing thoughtful breath, A traveller between life and death; The reason firm, the temperate will, Endurance, foresight, strength, and skill; A perfect Woman, nobly plann'd, To warn, to comfort, and command; And yet a Spirit still, and bright With something of angelic light. William Wordsworth

Where there is love

Where there is love the heart is light, Where there is love the day is bright, Where there is love there is a song, To help when things are going wrong Where there is love there is a smile To make all things seem more worthwhile,



Where there is love there's quiet peace, A tranquil place where turmoil's cease - Love changes darkness into light And makes the heart take "wingless flight". Helen Steiner Rice

Sonnets

Let me not to the marriage of true minds Admit impediments. Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove: Oh no! it is an ever-fixed mark That looks on tempests and is never shaken; It is the star to every wandering bark, Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken. Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks Within his bending sickle's compass come: Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, But bears it out even to the edge of doom. If this be error and upon me proved, I never writ, nor no man ever loved. William Shakespeare

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate: Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May, And summer's lease hath all too short a date: Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines, And often is his gold complexion dimm'd; And every fair from fair sometime declines, By chance, or nature's changing course, untrimm'd; But thy eternal summer shall not fade, Nor lose possession of that fair thou owest; Nor shall Death brag thou wander'st in his shade, When in eternal lines to time thou growest; So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see, So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.

The Sun Has Burst The Sky

The sun has burst the sky Because I love you And the river its banks. The sea laps the great rocks Because I love you And takes no heed ot the moon dragging it away And saying coldly ‘Constancy is not for you’. The blackbird fills the air Because I love you



With springs and lawns and shadows falling on lawns. The people walk in the street and laugh I love you And far down the river ships sound their hooters Crazy with joy because I love you. Jenny Joseph

Love Is...

Love is... Love is feeling cold in the back of vans Love is a fanclub with only two fans Love is walking holding paintstained hands Love is. Love is fish and chips on winter nights Love is blankets full of strange delights Love is when you don't put out the light Love is Love is the presents in Christmas shops Love is when you're feeling Top of the Pops Love is what happens when the music stops Love is Love is white panties lying all forlorn Love is pink nightdresses still slightly warm Love is when you have to leave at dawn Love is Love is you and love is me Love is prison and love is free Love's what's there when you are away from me Love is... Adrian Henri

A BIRTHDAY

My heart is like a singing bird Whose nest is in a water'd shoot; My heart is like an apple-tree Whose boughs are bent with thick-set fruit; My heart is like a rainbow shell That paddles in a halcyon sea; My heart is gladder than all these, Because my love is come to me. Raise me a daïs of silk and down; Hang it with vair and purple dyes; Carve it in doves and pomegranates, And peacocks with a hundred eyes; Work it in gold and silver grapes,



In leaves and silver fleurs-de-lys; Because the birthday of my life Is come, my love is come to me. Christina Rossetti

Wedding

From time to time our love is like a sail and when the sail begins to alternate from tack to tack, it’s like a swallowtail and when the swallow flies it’s like a coat; and if the coat is yours, it has a tear like a wide mouth and when the mouth begins to draw the wind, it’s like a trumpeter and when the trumpet blows, it blows like millions.... and this, my love, when millions come and go beyond the need of us, is like a trick; and when the trick begins, it’s like a toe tip-toeing on a rope, which is like luck; and when the luck begins, it’s like a wedding, which is like love, which is like everything. by Alice Oswald

The Vine

The wine of Love is music, And the feast of Love is song: And when Love sits down to the banquet, Love sits long: Sits long and arises drunken, But not with the feast and the wine; He reeleth with his own heart, That great, rich Vine. James Thomson

The Confirmation

Yes, yours, my love, is the right human face, I in my mind had waited for this long. Seeing the false and searching the true, Then I found you as a traveller finds a place Of welcome suddenly amid the wrong Valleys and rocks and twisting roads. But you, what shall I call you? A fountain in a waste. A well of water in a country dry. Or anything that's honest and good, an eye That makes the whole world bright. Your open heart simple with giving, give the primal deed. The first good world, the blossom, the blowing seed. The hearth, the steadfast land, the wandering sea, Not beautiful or rare in every part But like yourself, as they were meant to be. Edwin Muir



'My Lover'

For I will consider my lover, who shall remain nameless. For at the age of 49 he can make the noise of five different kinds of lorry changing gear on a hill. For he sometimes does this on the stairs at his place of work. For he is embarrassed when people overhear him. For he can also imitate at least three different kinds of train. For these include the London tube train, the steam engine, and the Southern Rail electric. For he supports Tottenham Hotspur with joyful and unswerving devotion. For he abhors Arsenal, whose supporters are uncivilised and rough. For he explains that Spurs are magic, whereas Arsenal are boring and defensive. For I knew nothing of this six months ago, nor did I want to. For now it all enchants me. For this he performs in ten degrees. For first he presents himself as a nice, serious, liberated person. For secondly he sits through many lunches, discussing life and love and never mentioning football. For thirdly he is careful not to reveal how much he dislikes losing an argument. For fourthly he talks about the women in his past, acknowledging that some of it must have been his fault. For fifthly he is so obviously reasonable that you are inclined to doubt this. For sixthly he invites himself round for a drink one evening. For seventhly you consume two bottles of wine between you. For eighthly he stays the night. For ninthly you cannot wait to see him again. For tenthly this does not happen for several days. For having achieved his object he turns again to his other interests. For he will not miss his evening class or his choir practice for a woman. For he is out nearly all of the time. For you cannot even get him on the telephone. For he is the kind of man who has been driving women round the bend for generations. For, sad to say, this thought does not bring you to your senses. For he is charming. For he is good with animals and children. For his voice is both reassuring and sexy. For he drives an A-registration Vauxhall Astra Estate. For he goes at 80 miles per hour on the motorways. For when I plead with him he says, 'I'm not going any slower than this'. For he is convinced he knows his way around better than anyone else on earth. For he does not encourage suggestions from his passengers. For if he ever got lost there would be hell to pay. For he sometimes makes me sleep on the wrong side of my own bed. For he cannot be bossed around. For he has this grace, that he is happy to eat fish fingers or Chinese takeaway or to cook the supper himself. For he knows about my cooking and is realistic. For me makes me smooth cocoa with bubbles on the top. For he drinks and smokes at least as much as I do. For he is obsessed with sex. For he would never say it is overrated. For he grew up before the permissive society and remembers his adolescence. For he does not insist it is healthy and natural, nor does he ask me what I would like him to do. For he has a few ideas of his own. For he has never been able to sleep much and talks with me late into the night. For we wear each other out with our wakefulness. For he makes me feel like a light bulb that cannot switch itself off. For he inspires poem after poem. For he is clean and tidy but not too concerned with his appearance. For he lets the barber cut his hair too short and goes round looking like a convict for a fortnight. For when I ask if this necklace is all right he replies, 'Yes, if no means looking at three others.'



For he was shocked when younger team-mates began using talcum powder in the changing-room. For his old-fashioned masculinity is the cause of continual merriment on my part. For this puzzles him. by Wendy Cope

Friendship,

Such love I cannot analyse; It does not rest in lips or eyes, Neither in kisses nor caress. Partly, I know, it's gentleness And understanding in one word Or in brief letters. It's preserved By trust and by respect and awe. These are the words I'm feeling for. Two people, yes, two lasting friends. The giving comes, the taking ends. There is no measure for such things. For this all Nature slows and sings. Elizabeth Jennings

COME WITH ME, GO WITH ME

BURN WITH ME, GLOW WITH ME WRITE ME A SONNET OR TWO SLEEP WITH ME, WAKE WITH ME GIVE WITH ME, TAKE WITH ME LOVE ME THE WAY I LOVEYOU LET ME GET HIGH WITH YOU LAUGH WITH YOU, CRY WITH YOU WHEN I AM WITHOUT YOU BE BLUE REST WITH YOU, FIGHT WITH YOU DAY WITH YOU, NIGHT WITH YOU LOVE ME WHATEVER I DO. WORK WITH ME, PLAY WITH ME RUN WITH ME, STAY WITH ME MAKE ME YOUR PARTNER IN CRIME HANDLE ME, FONDLE ME CRADLE ME TENDERLEY SAY I’M YOUR REASON AND RHYME. PRAY WITH ME, SIN WITH ME LOVE WITH ME, WIN WITH ME LOVE ME WITH ALL OF MY SCARS RISE WITH ME, FALL WITH ME HIDE FROM IT ALL WITH ME NOTHING IS MINE NOW IT’S OURS! Anon

So Shall It Be

The years speed by Remorselessly,



Each bearing a fragment of our past, Like broken glass. And so do we. One day upon another treads Unceasingly, Like sheep with undistinguishable heads Crowding together One on another. And so do we. Minute by minute Uncountably, Like raindrops upon the horizon's limit Or waves of the sea, Our short lives pass imperceptibly. And so do we. Against the advancing, bracing tide Our love shall stand On beaches unfathomably wide Where shell heaps on shell and sand meets sand, With towering cliffs that the elements hide And lines of waves that the waves efface, Yet shall our footsteps together trace A path as we travel it hand in hand, That vast immeasurable strand, Planting a kiss upon its face, One for you and yet one for me Defiantly. So shall it be. Anon

True love is a durable fire,

In the mind ever burning, Never sick, never dead, never cold, From itself never turning.

If I should think of love

I'd think of you, your arms uplifted, Tying your hair in plaits above, The lyre shape of your arms and shoulders, The soft curve of your winding head. No melody is sweeter, nor could Orpheus So have bewitched. I think of this, And all my universe becomes perfection. But were you in my arms, dear love, The happiness would take my breath away, No thought could match that ecstasy, No song encompass it, no other worlds. If I should think of love, I'd think of you. Anon



In Praise of Beauty

Of all my loves this is the first and last That in the autumn of my years has grown, A secret fern, a violet in the grass, A final leaf where all the rest are gone. Would that I could give all and more, my life, My world, my thoughts, my arms, my breath, my future, My love eternal, endless, infinite, yet brief, As all loves are and hopes, though they endure. You are my sun and stars, my night, my day, My seasons, summer, winter, my sweet spring, My autumn song, the church in which I pray, My land and ocean, all that the earth can bring Of glory and of sustenance, all that might be divine, My alpha and my omega, and all that was ever mine. Shy love, I think of you As the morning air brushes the window pane, And how much time of all it takes to know The movement of your arm, the steps you take, The curves along your head, your ears, your hair. For all of this, each hand, each finger, Each lip, each breath, each sigh, Each word and sound of voice or tongue, I would require an age to contemplate. But for your heart your mind your thoughts, all these, To love them all I need at least five centuries. Sometimes I think Our heads might be enclosed Closer together upon the pillow's space, And how into the dark deeps of your eyes I'd look and think of angels. Then your breath And all the aura of your body's breathing Intoxicatedly would overwhelm me And I would die. For it is too much That such a thing should be and I should live. Surely the thought is greater than reality, The sum of you and love outsteps infinity. If happiness were like The flowers of June then I would take The best of them, roses and columbine, The lilies, and bind them in your hair. They are not more beautiful but they add Meaning to my love. For all our words Are short and lame of breath and stumble, And you surpass them though I know not why. Shy love I think of you as the day wanes And as the sun sinks deep into the ocean And as the stars turn round above in silent motion. Anon



Come! O come, my life's delight!

Let me not in languour pine! Love loves no delay; thy sight, The more delayed, the more divine! O come, and take from me The pain of being deprived of thee! Thou all sweetness dost enclose! Like a little world of bliss: Beauty guards thy looks. The rose In them, pure and eternal is. Come then! and make thy flight As swift to me, as heavenly light! Thomas Campion

O Mistress mine, where are you roaming?

O stay and hear, your true love's coming, That can sing both high and low. Trip no further pretty sweeting, Journeys end in lovers meeting, Every wise man's son doth know. What is love? 'Tis not hereafter, Present mirth hath present laughter, What's to come is still unsure. In delay there lies no plenty, So come kiss me sweet and twenty, Youth's a stuff will not endure. William Shakespeare From Twelfth Night

WILD NIGHTS - WILD NIGHTS!

Wild nights - Wild nights! Were I with thee, Wild nights should be Our luxury! Futile - the Winds To a Heart in port - Done with the Compass Done with the Chart! Rowing in Eden Ah, the Sea! Might I but moor - Tonight In Theel Emily Dickinson



THE MASTER SPEED

No speed of wind or water rushing by But you have speed far greater. You can climb back up a stream of radiance to the sky, And back through history up the stream of time. And you were given this swiftness, not for haste Nor chiefly that you may go where you will, But in the rush of everything to waste, That you may have the power of standing still , Off any still or moving thing you say. Two such as you with such a master speed Cannot be parted nor be swept away From one another once you are agreed That life is only life forevermore Together wing to wing and oar to oar. Robert Frost

A RING PRESENTED TO JULIA

Julia, I bring To thee this Ring. Made for thy finger fit; To shew by this, That our love is (Or sho'd be) like to it. Close though it be, The joynt is free: So when Love's yoke is on, It must not gall, Or fret at all With hard oppression. But it must play Still either way; And be, too, such a yoke, As not too wide, To over-slide; Or be so strait to choak. So we, who beare, The beame, must reare Our selves t6 such a height: As that the stay Of either may Create the burden light. And as this round Is no where found To flaw, or else to sever: So let our love As endless prove; And pure as Gold for ever. Robert Herrick

AND IS IT NIGHT?

And is it night? Are they thine eyes that shine? Are we alone and here and here alone? May I come near, may I but touch thy shrine? Is jealousy asleep, and is he gone? Gods, no more, silence my lips with thine, Lips, kisses, joys, hap, blessings most divine. O come my dear, our griefs are turned to night, And night to joys, night blinds pale Envy's eyes, Silence and sleep prepare our delight,



cease we then our woes, our griefs, our cries, vanish words, words do but passions move, dearest life, joys sweet, 0 sweetest love. Robert Jones

LOVE FEELS NO BURDEN

Love feels no burden, thinks nothing of trouble, attempts what is above its strength, pleads no excuse of impossibility ... It is therefore able to undertake all things, and it completes many things, and warrants them to take effect, where he who does not love would faint and lie down. Love is watchful and sleeping, slumbereth not. Though weary, it is not tired; though pressed, it is not straitened; though alarmed, it is not confounded. Thomas a Kempis

from 0 LAY THY HAND IN MINE

o lay thy hand in mine, dear! We're growing old, we're growing old; But Time hath brought no sign, dear, That hearts grow cold, that hearts grow cold, ' Tis long, long since our new love Made life divine, made life divine; But age enricheth true love, Like noble wine, like noble wine. Gerald Massey Never marry but for love; but see that thou lovest what is lovely. He that minds a body and not a soul has not the better part of that relationship, and will consequently lack the noblest comfort of a married life. Between a man and his wife nothing ought to rule but love. As love ought to bring them together, so it is the best way to keep them well together. A husband and wife that love one another show their children that they should do so too. Others visibly lose their authority in their families by their contempt of one another, and teach their children to be unnatural by their own examples. Let not enjoyment lessen, but augment, affection; it being the basest of passions to like when we have not, what we slight when we possess. Here it is we ought to search out our pleasure, where the field is large and full of variety, and of an enduring nature; sickness, poverty or disgrace being not able to shake it because it is not under the moving influences of worldly contingencies. Nothing can be more entire and without reserve; nothing more zealous, affectionate and sincere; nothing more contented than such a couple, nor greater temporal felicity than to be one of them. William Penn

Risks

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool. To weep is to risk appearing sentimental. To reach out to another is to risk involvement. To expose feeling is to risk exposing your true self.



To place your ideas, your dreams before the crowd is to risk their loss. To live is to risk dying. To try is to risk failure. But risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing. The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, and is nothing. You may avoid suffering and sorrow, but you simply cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love, live. Chained by your certitudes you are a slave. You have forfeited freedom. Only a person who risks is free. Anon

Brotherhood

We must not sever, you and I, The world is cruel, friends are few; Let us be steadfast faithfully, I and you. For we have heard the midnight wind Whisper the weary world to sleep, And felt the stars upon mankind Gently weep. The quivering wonder of the morn Has been to us a sudden birth, When all the world was overworn And its mirth. The stillness of the silent stream Has cried like some loud clarion Within our souls, wrapped in a dream Two alone. And then we knew what seers have told In some half meaning mystic song, And heard their cadences unfold Right and wrong, Till all the world grew bright again, And our new manhood (spirit) too was free, And each one clasped his (their) friend again Tenderly, Knowing that he (each) would never die. Thus is our kinship sweetly true And we are brothers (partners) you and I, I and you. J. J. W

Scaffolding

Masons, when they start upon a building,



Are careful to test out the scaffolding; Make sure that planks won't slip at busy points, Secure all ladders, tighten bolted joints, And yet all this come down when the job's done, Showing off walls of sure and solid stone. So if, my dear, there sometimes seem to be Old bridges breaking between you and me Never fear. We may let the scaffolds fall Confident that we have built our wall. By Seamus Heaney

Us Two

Wherever I am, there's always Pooh, There's always Pooh and Me. Whatever I do, he wants to do, "Where are you going today?" says Pooh: "Well that's very odd 'cos I was too. Let's go together," says Pooh, says he. "Let's go together," says Pooh. 'What's twice eleven?' I said to Pooh, ('Twice what?' said Pooh to Me) 'I think it ought to be twenty-two.' 'Just what I think my self,' said Pooh. 'It wasn't an easy sum to do, But that's what it is,' said Pooh, said he. 'That's what it is,' said Pooh. 'Let's look for dragons,' I said to Pooh. 'Yes, let's,' said Pooh to Me We crossed the river and found a few-- 'Yes, these are dragons all right,' said Pooh. 'As soon as I saw their beaks I knew. That's what they are,' said Pooh, said he. 'That's what they are,' said Pooh. "Let's frighten the dragons," I said to Pooh. "That's right," said Pooh to Me. "I'm not afraid," I said to Pooh, And I held his paw and I shouted "shoo! Silly old dragon!" - and off they flew. "I wasn't afraid," said Pooh, said he, "I'm never afraid," with you." So wherever I am, there's always Pooh, There's always Pooh and Me. 'What would I do?' I said to Pooh, 'If it wasn't for you,' and Pooh said: 'True, it isn't much fun for One, but Two Can stick together,'; says Pooh, says he. 'That's how it is,' says Pooh. by A. A. Milne



One Perfect Rose

A single flower he sent me, since we met. All tenderly his messenger he chose; Deep-hearted, pure, with scented dew still wet -- One perfect rose. I knew the language of the floweret; "My fragile leaves," it said, "his heart enclose." Love long has taken for his amulet One perfect rose. Why is it no one ever sent me yet One perfect limousine, do you suppose? Ah no, it's always just my luck to get One perfect rose. By Dorothy Parker

Extract from Song of the Open Road

Listen, I will be honest with you I do not offer the old smooth prizes But offer rough new prizes These are the days that must happen to you: You shall not heap up what is called riches, You shall scatter with lavish hand all that you earn or achieve. However sweet the laid up stores, However convenient the dwelling, you shall not remain there. However sheltered the port, however calm the waters, you shall not anchor there. However welcome the hospitality that welcomes you, You are permitted to receive it but a little while. Afoot and lighthearted, take to the open road Healthy, free, the world before you the long brown path before you, leading wherever you choose. Say only to one another: Camerado, I give you my hand! I give you my love more precious than money; I give you myself before preaching and law: Will you give me yourself? Will you come travel with me? Shall we stick by each other as long as we live? Walt Whitman

A Good Marriage

A good marriage must be created. In a marriage, the little things are the big things. It is never being too old to hold hands. It is remembering to say 'I love you' at least once a day. It is never going to sleep angry. It is having a mutual sense of values and common objectives. It is standing together and facing the world.....



It is forming a circle of love that gathers in the whole family. It is speaking words of appreciation and demonstrating gratitude in thoughtful ways. It is having the capacity to forgive and forget. It is giving each other an atmosphere in which each can grow. It is a common search for the good and the beautiful. It is not only marrying the right partner. It is being the right partner. Wilfred Arlan Petersen

BABY NAMINGS Thread 1

Naming for terminally Ill Child

I am doing my first naming shortly though I have not yet gone through the training (this is because I had to postpone my namings’ training booking from November last year to June this year). I had already committed to this naming ceremony and, for various reasons, I did not want to let the families down as they had asked me personally to do this. There are four children to be named. Three of varying ages from one family and one baby in the other family - the children are cousins and the parents are therefore aunts and uncles. The eldest child (aged 15) in one family has a muscle wasting condition which is terminal and it is 99% certain that he will be dead within about 10-12 years. He knows this but he and the family are very positive and very much live each day as it comes. He is a charming and active boy who represents his country in a wheelchair sport. I have nothing but amazement at his courage and determination. I have done quite a lot of funerals and weddings and so am now very comfortable in dealing with the unusual but as this is my first naming, and it is a somewhat unusual one, I would like to ask if anyone would be prepared to share a script with me or offer any suggestions as to readings, words to be used - they do want each child to be ’named’ with appropriate words and I can deal with that but I don’t as yet have quite the breadth of knowledge and the books that I use for my other ceremonies. And I do want to be confident with this one. Any help or advice will be much appreciated. Many thanks Pam Burn I did a naming a year or two ago of a little girt whose life expectancy was about a year. Would it help if I let you have the script? I gather my contact details are on the BHA website. Ring me or email me. Bobby Mill I don’t know if this will help, but I’m doing a wedding next year for a young lady (24 years old) who has cystic fibrosis, as does her cousin of a similar age. She was initially not expected to live beyond 18 months, then not expected to live to go to school and so on and so on. She came to know of humanism through having planned her own funeral - she wrote her first will and testament at the age of 10 and her family talk about death all the time in the most matter of fact way - something her fiancee tells me took some getting used to. This sounds like the kind of family setting this young man will be raised in, and it seems to me that there’s a lot to celebrate in such circumstances - I would use that as a theme. Linda Morgan

Thread 2



Alternative name for Godparents

Two questions for you: What other titles do you use in stead of Mentor or Supporting Adult, Special Friend or Adult Guide? What symbolism can you suggest?... Other than lighting of candles and a ’wish tree’. Ian Abbott This is always a problem isn’t it. Most recently I’ve had Guide parents, Good parents, Odd parents(next month) and even one woman who insisted on being a Fairy godmother which had more to do with Cinderella than any religion. I find that a naming day book in which guests write good wishes for the child has become very popular. Some of my parents want to present a flower to the baby which is all very well if it is only a few weeks old - any later and the flower goes in its mouth. Releasing balloons is effective but doesn’t go down well with the keenly ecological. Last year I had a family where the dad and his mates had a great time trying to set up a chinese balloon - made of paper and fuelled by fire. It took ages to work, went up rather scorched and landed in a neighbour’s garden some way down the street. Candles, trees, rose bushes and flower garlands all seem to please. I suppose they could buy a bottle or case of good wine and put it down for the 21st birthday. I haven’t had anyone do that yet. Christine Riley Moger I did a naming 18 mo ago for baby number no 3 in a family with 2 older siblings (8 and 6) and the baby’s brother and sister and cousins planted bulbs around a tree in a circle (which was beautifully symbolic since he was called Oliver!) Last year I was asked to sprinkle water on a baby’s head which I was reluctant to do because of the religious connotations but I agreed when I saw what the parents proposed to say: We will weep with you: both tears of sorrow and tears of joy. Without water, life cannot endure and without tears we cannot grow. We hope you grow in love and wisdom, And have a thirst for all that is pure in life. It was lovely and very symbolic. Alison Orchard PS. The water sprinkling family chose the names ’fairly odd parents’ for the guideparents! It can be a nice touch to have a ’time capsule’ to be opened by the child on his or her 18th birthday The ’capsule’ can be a simple box or a specially designed and made container. People can be quite inventive as to what to put into it - eg : A short list of potential names that were considered, a newspaper cutting, candle from the naming ceremony, current music top ten, a lock of dad’s hair before it went grey, photographs, etc etc. Ray Marsh I did one where a quaich (ceremonial cup) was passed around for the parents and - in that case - guideparents to drink from, but a few people remarked afterwards that it didn’t seem very hygienic! At the same ceremony they planted a tree in the garden, but I discovered later (at he naming of the next child in the family - with no quaich!), that the tree hadn’t taken and they had moved anyway. I think ’keep it simple’ is the motto. Richard Paterson Chosen uncle/aunt is a title I have come across. Do you know of the Universal Star Listing where a child can have their name given to a star. A bit whacky but it appeals to some parents. www. starnames.com 0870 464 1106



The following information might be useful too It’s from the Civil Aviation Authority: Balloon releases of over 100 balloons need permission from the CAA Tel: 0207 453 658. It is illegal to release foil balloons into the atmosphere . When releasing latex balloons the taqgs and ribbons must be kept to a minimum and be bio degradable. Geraldine Jones I am doing a naming ceremony this year using the term "compadre" for the role. Apparently the Spanish meaning is close to the role they envisage. Linda Morgan Likewise, I did a naming for a couple who couldn’t reconcile themselves to any of the alternatives to godmother and father, until the mother, who herself had a French mother, thought of the French equivalents, which are parrain and marraine. I’ve done one or two namings for mixed race couples, English and Indian, and as well as placing garlands round the baby’s neck, we ended up with everyone attending pelting him with rose petals. Bobby Mill Thanks for all the suggestions. The French words Parrain & Marrian inspired us to find the perfect solution. The Naming ceremony (tomorrow) is on the Isle of Man and, as Charlie (the baby) was born there that makes him a true Manxman. The Manx words for those adults who fulfill the role of Godparents or Paarantyn bashtee (pronounced “Pear – antyn bashtee”) in Christian ceremonies are Mimmey (“mim-may”) and Gedjey (“ged – jay”) These titles can simply mean Godmother & Godfather but in reality they mean more than that; they mean someone who sponsors or promotes a child, someone who has a special interest in the welfare of a child and someone to whom, throughout the whole of his life, that child can confidently turn to knowing that they have his special interest at heart. Problem solved … thanks again for your input. The only trouble is it set a whole new train of thought in motion Now I’m starting the ceremony with "She nyn mea diu ooilley . . . Fastyr mie . . . Failt ort" (Hello everybody - Good evening and Welcome (with great pleasure). And ending with "Gura mie ayd" (Thank You). I sometimes have difficulty with Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled pepper … Wish me luck Ian Abbott I have come across another variation - though perhaps not for all comers. Zack is a lively nine-years old, whose half-sister of six months is having a naming ceremony on Saturday at which I am the celebrant, and he has seized the opportunity to change his surname by deed-poll in the last few days to match the rest of the family. He is going to be incorporated into the ceremony, and he asked an old friend of his to be his - what would in other circumstances be godfather. This was long before I appeared on the scene, so he had to find his own vocabulary, and he came up with ungodly godfather. Bobby Mill Is ’Anam Cara’, Gaelic for friend of my soul, permitted do you think? Tina Pritchard How about "Guardparents"!!! Martin Fowkes



’For Owen Gruffydd Dodd aged three hours’

At the end of the labyrinth of pain, you hit the cold world with a knowing cry, welcomed by the warmth from your family’s eyes. So this is it, Owen. The old world laundered in bunches of bright flowers and shiny cards. For you and your new life, the gift of a clean page. Others are waiting to scribble on it. Those who monopolise God will leave eternal scrawlings the shape of ropes. Church, State, School, Army are all lined up to rule your page. But it’s yours. Keep it for yourself. The page beckons. Fill it with the woven dreams plucked from the myths growing on hills which will nurture you. Colour it with the questions you will ask, the wonder you will find in the plants’ delicate lines, the restless surging of the ever-returning sea, the huge unspoken world of the sky’s meteors, the joy of running with the wind at your back, the squeeze of the first remembered hand. This is the world waiting to cram your page. Don’t fold it up, or hide it away and don’t let others fill it. Write it yourself. And let each word dance with the abandon of how right it is to be here. Author Unknown

May the road rise to meet you,

May the wind be always at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face, The rains fall soft upon your fields. And until we meet again, May the earth hold you in her hand. 2. May you see your children's children. May you be poor in misfortune, Rich in blessings, May you know nothing but happiness From this day forward.



May the road rise to meet you May the wind be always at your back May the warm rays of sun fall upon your home And may the hand of a friend always be near. May green be the grass you walk on, May blue be the skies above you, May pure be the joys that surround you, May true be the hearts that love you.

May the strength of the wind and the light of the sun, The softness of the rain and the mystery of the moon Reach you and fill you. May beauty delight you and happiness uplift you, May wonder fulfil you and love surround you. May your step be steady and your arm be strong, May your heart be peaceful and your word be true. May you seek to learn, may you learn to live, May you live to love, and may you love - always.

May you always be blessed,

May your wishes all come true, May you always do for others And let others do for you. May you build a ladder to the stars And climb on every rung, May you stay forever young. May you grow up to be righteous, May you grow up to be true, May you always know the truth And see the lights surrounding you. May you always be courageous, Stand upright and be strong, May you stay forever young. May your hands always be busy, May your feet always be swift, May you have a strong foundation When the winds of changes shift. May your heart always be joyful, May your song always be sung, May you stay forever young. Bob Dylan



Follow Your Dreams

When others say "It's hopeless and it really can't be done." When they tell you "It's all over. It's a race that can't be won." And they promise "You could spend your life just lying in the sun." Follow your dreams boy. Follow your dreams! When the people you admire, but who wouldn't understand, Tell you "Other roads are safer. Your dreams are much too grand." Or the doubters and the tempters try to take you by the hand. Follow your dreams boy. Follow your dreams! You should listen to the counsel of the people that you trust. But don't be turned aside just because they might get fussed You live the life that in your heart you know you really must. Follow your dreams boy. Follow your dreams! There is nothing you can't conquer if you believe you can. No mountains you can't straddle, no oceans you can't span. Just conjure up a vision and set yourself a plan. Follow your dreams boy. Follow your dreams! Anon

I want you to be happy

I want you to be happy. I want you to fill your heart with feelings of wonder and to be full of courage and hope. I want you to have the type of friendship that is a treasure - and the kind of love that is beautiful forever. I wish you contentment: the sweet, quiet, inner kind that comes around and never goes away. I want you to have hopes and have them all come true. I want you to have a real understanding of how unique and rare you truly are. I want to remind you that the sun may disappear for a while, but it never forgets to shine. May the words you listen to, say the things you need to hear. And may a cheerful face lovingly look back at you when you happen to glance in your mirror. I wish you the insight to see your inner and outer beauty. I wish you sweet dreams. I want you to have times when you feel like singing and dancing and laughing out loud. I want you to be able to make your good times better and your hard times easier to handle. I wish I could find a way to tell you - in untold ways – how important you are to me. Anon



Children Learn what they Live

If children live with criticism, They learn to condemn; If children live with hostility, They learn how to fight; If children live with ridicule, They learn to be shy; If children live with shame, They learn to feel guilty; If children live with tolerance, They learn to be patient; If children live with encouragement, They learn to have confidence; If children live with praise, They learn to appreciate; If children live with fairness, They learn justice; If children live with security, They learn to have faith; If children live with approval, They learn to like themselves; If children live with love around them, They learn to give love to the world. Dorothy Law Nolte

A baby will make love stronger

Days shorter, Nights longer Bankroll smaller, Clothes shabbier, The past forgotten, And the future worth living for. Author Unknown

Ode on the Whole Duty of Parents

The spirits of children are remote and wise, They must go free Like fishes in the sea Or starlings in the skies, Whilst you remain The shore where casually they come again. But when there falls the stalking shade of fear, You must be suddenly near, You, the unstable, must become a tree In whose unending heights of flowering green Hangs every fruit that grows, with silver bells; Where heart-distracting magic birds are seen And all the things a fairy-story tells; Though still you should possess Roots that go deep in ordinary earth, And strong consoling bark To love and to caress.



Last, when at dark Safe on the pillow lies an up-gazing head And drinking holy eyes Are fixed on you, When, from behind them, questions come to birth Insistently, On all the things that you have ever said Of suns and snakes and parallelograms and flies, And whether these are true, Then for a while you'll need to be no more That sheltering shore Or legendary tree in safety spread, No, then you must put on The robes of Solomon, Or simply be Sir Isaac Newton sitting on the bed. Frances Cornford

Wishing you many smiles and happy times to come

May life’s adventures be exciting and sweet Filled with love from the friends that you’ll meet You’ll soon grow up for time does fly So cherish each moment as it goes by From crawling and walking To toddling and talking There’s no knowing what you’ll do next There’s a threshold to cross and a wide open door And a wonderful world for you to explore Sleep with the moonbeams and play in the sun Let your life be a long one and filled with fun May today and tomorrow and all days hereafter Be days that are happy and filled with your laughter. Anon

Lessons for Children to Learn

Do not be bored with childhood so that you rush to grow up – and then long to be a child again. Do not lose your health to make money – you’ll lose your money to restore your health. Do not think so anxiously about the future that you forget the present and end up living neither. Do not live as though you will never die, or you will die as though you have never lived. Learn that you cannot make someone love you, all you can do is let yourself be loved. Learn that it is neither interesting nor helpful to compare yourself with others. Learn to forgive by practising forgiveness. Learn that it only takes a few seconds to open profound wounds in those whom we love and it can take many years to heal them. Learn that there will be those that love you dearly but who have not learned how to express or show their feelings. Learn that two people can look at the same thing and see it entirely differently. Learn that a rich person is not the one who has the most, but the one who needs the least to be happy. Learn that it is not enough for you to forgive others, you must also forgive yourself. Anon



I have seen a mother at a cot – so I know what love is;

I have looked into the eyes of a child – so I know what faith is; I have seen a rainbow – so I know what beauty is; I have felt the pounding of the sea – so I know what power is; I have planted a tree – so I know what hope is; I have heard a wild bird sing – so I know what freedom is; I have seen a chrysalis burst into life – so I know what mystery is; I have lost a friend – so I know what sorrow is; I have seen a star-decked sky – so I know what infinity is; I have seen and felt all these things – so I know what life is. Anon

Be true to those who trust thee,

Be pure for those who care. Be strong, for there is much to suffer, Be brave, for there is much to dare. Be a friend to all – the foe, the friendless. Be giving and forget the gift. Be humble, for thou knowest thy weakness. And then, look up and laugh and love and live. Anon Let our children learn to be honest, both with themselves and with others. Honesty is the ability to distinguish between what is and what is not, and thus to deal effectively with reality. Let our children learn to love truth. When truth is present, there is no prejudice. By fidelity to truth the mind is nourished. Let our children discover their strengths and find courage. Let our children cultivate kindness, tolerance and acceptance of other people. These abilities do not come without cultivation. Let our children learn that they are like others, even people they do not like; and that there is good and bad in all of us. Adapted from E. Powell Davies

Here is your first gift

This blessing, this echo Sound you’ll answer to Turning, always, to see who spoke. Here is your name Which people we don’t know Will call you years from now, When your infant face With its astonished look Is just a picture And our huge parental love A blur of hands. Judy Bolz



There is song in man

There is song in woman And there is the child’s song. When that song comes There will be no words. Do not ask where they are. Just listen to the song. Listen to it – Learn it – It is the greatest song of all. Spike Milligan

Give a Little

Give a little Take a little Is what we learn through life It douesn’t always work this way We often say that’s life You always have the givers Constantly they seem To help whoever comes their way And give their love and dreams Then you have the takers Through life this does ring true They always grab what they are given Give nothing in return But try and be a giver You will reap such rich rewards Beieve me who comes knocking It’s love there at your door. Jeannette Gaffney

Now This is the Day

Now this is the day Our child. Into the daylight You will go out standing Preparing for your day. Our child it is your day This day. May your road be fulfilled In your thoughts may we live May we be the ones whom your thoughts will embrace May you help us all to finish our roads. Anon



‘Children’

Whether by careless accident Or careful plan We are where they begin. They grow in us Like germs or fictions And we grow big with them Red mewling strangers They tear our thresholds And immediately we love them. When people say they look like us we smile and blush. We listen for their cries As if we felt their pain And hunger deep in us. And hold them tightly In our arms as if we’d found A lost part of ourselves. We want to give them All the things we never had, To make it up to them - - For all the times When we were hurt or sad, To start again and put right - -Our mistakes in them, To run in front of them With warning flags. We who’ve failed to be The authors of our lives Write theirs We make them heroes, Stars whose happy endings Will scatter light in ours. We feed them with our dreams Then wait and watch Like gardeners for flowers. by Vicki Feaver



‘Welcome’

Welcome to sunlight Welcome to the soft rain on your face Welcome to the rush of the wind Welcome to the hush of the sea Welcome to much joy and a little sorrow Welcome to birdsong Welcome to music and laughter Welcome to the leaves on the tree Welcome to the miracle of words Welcome to the whispering of rivers Welcome to dreaming Welcome to everything you can see and name Welcome to your mother’s care Welcome to your father’s smile Welcome to the love of all here Welcome to the world. by Selina Denton

In these fingers, in these hands,

let there be life, let there be growing, reaching out, sowing and reaping, let there be healing, from the strength in these hands. In these fingers, in these hands, across the shimmering lands, the raging seas, and dark rain forests, Arctic ice, and desert sands, the whole earth, from these strong hands let there be triumphant life! For ever and ever! by Nellie Dodsworth

Remember that I love you,

know I'll always care, whatever path your life may take, feel that I am there. As we rock, my little man, soothe your tears away, the little fingers on your hand, are only small today.



A day may come when dark skies, make you feel all hope has gone, so in time, the sun will shine, to cast your shadow long, Look to see that shadow, look, learn and find, behold, your silhouette is first, with mine, a step behind. Gregory Barbieri

Today’s a Special day

To celebrate with you To show our love and our support In everything you do There is nothing quite big enough To symbolize our joy Our happiness and wonder In you our little boy We are here to make a promise To do everything we can To guide you on your journey From precious wish to man To support your chosen path In happiness or tears To celebrate achievements Or talk through any fears To stand in any storm With a light to guide you home So you know no matter where you are You’ll never be alone To promise you we’re always here We’ll watch each step with pride To promise our love without condition We’re always on your side Anon

On Children

Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you yet they belong not to you. You may give them your love but not your thoughts, For they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.



You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth. The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far. Let our bending in the archer's hand be for gladness; For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable. Kahlil Ghibran

Footprints

“Walk a lttle slower Daddy” said a child so small “I’m following in your footsteps and I don’t want to fall. Sometimes your steps are very fast, Sometimes they’re hard to see; So walk a little slower Daddy, For you are leading me. Someday when I’m all grown up, You’re what I want to be; Then I will have a little child Who’ll want to follow me. And I would want to lead just right, And know that I was true; So walk a little slower Daddy, For I must follow you. Anon

A Mother’s Wish

I hope my child looks back on today And sees a mother who had time to play. There will be years for cleaning and cooking, But children grow up when you’re not looking. Tomorrow I’ll do all the chores you can mention But today, my baby needs time and attention. So settle down cobwebs; dust go to sleep, I’m cuddling my baby, and babies don’t keep. Anon

A Poem For Parents

There are little eyes upon you, And they are watching night and day; There are little ears that quickly Take in every word you say. There are little hands all eager To do everything you do; and a little boy who's dreaming



Of the day he'll be like you. You're the little fellow's idol; You're the wisest of the wise; In his little mind, about you No suspicions ever rise. He believes in you devotedly, Holds that all you say and do, He will say and do in your way When he's grown up like you. There's a wide-eyed little fellow Who believes you're always right; And his ears are always open, And he watches day and night. You are setting an example Every day in all you do; For the little boy who's waiting To grow up to be just like you. Author Unknown

Brand New Little Daughter

She´s your brand new little daughter, so enchanted, sweet and smart. With a coo, she´ll have you smiling With a laugh, she´ll own your heart. It´s the time for hugs and kisses, Reassurance when she cries. It´s the time for making moments Full of love and Lullabies. For these golden days of childhood come and go so very fast - Hold her tight and love her dearly. Make these precious moments last. Linda Lee Elrod

For My Baby

My baby has fallen asleep. Finally his chest moves up and down. His soft curls at his ear. He smells clean, soapy from his bath. I know him inside out. The creases at his elbow, The plumpness of his cheeks. What makes him coo or cry, Is part of me. He's wrapped just in a towel. That's how he fell asleep and so



I left him like that I would not want to wake him Or We would both be up the night And I've only just taught him to sleep - Four hours at a go. It is a precious thing to be needed so, by Such an innocent. Relied on entirely for sustenance, My maternal heart moulds his life, His days. And yet it does get tiresome for I have a daughter to think of too. My baby lies asleep And I am wide awake. Feeling how much I love him. Dreaming of what he will become I hope to drift off soon For in but a moment The alarm clock will sound And it will be time to get My baby up for work. Sharon Brennan

Precious one,

So small, So sweet, Dancing in on angel feet Straight from Heaven’s brightest star What a miracle you are! Author Unknown

Beautiful Boy

Close your eyes Have no fear The monster's gone He's on the run and your daddy's here Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful Beautiful boy Out on the ocean sailing away I can hardly wait To see you come of age But I guess we'll both just have to be patient 'Cause it's a long way to go A hard row to hoe Yes it's a long way to go But in the meantime Before you cross the street Take my hand Life is what happens to you



While you're busy making other plans Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful Beautiful boy John Lennon

Everything Possible

We have cleared off the table, the leftovers saved, Washed the dishes and put them away I have told you a story and tucked you in tight At the end of your knockabout day As the moon sets its sails to carry you to sleep Over the midnight sea I will sing you a song no one sang to me May it keep you good company. by Fred Small

You can be anybody you want to be, You can love whomever you will You can travel any country where your heart leads And know I will love you still You can live by yourself, you can gather friends around, You can choose one special one And the only measure of your words and your deeds Will be the love you leave behind when you're done. Anon

Spring Morning

Where am I going? I don't quite know. Down to the stream where the king-cups grow- Up on the hill where the pine-trees blow- Anywhere, anywhere. I don't know. Where am I going? The clouds sail by, Little ones, baby ones, over the sky. Where am I going? The shadows pass, Little ones, baby ones, over the grass. If you were a cloud, and sailed up there, You'd sail on water as blue as air, And you'd see me here in the fields and say: "Doesn't the sky look green today?" Where am I going? The high rooks call: "It's awful fun to be born at all." Where am I going? The ring-doves coo: "We do have beautiful things to do."



If you were a bird, and lived on high, You'd lean on the wind when the wind came by, You'd say to the wind when it took you away: "That's where I wanted to go today!" Where am I going? I don't quite know. What does it matter where people go? Down to the wood where the blue-bells grow- Anywhere, anywhere. I don't know. by A.A. Milne

Man’s a Man for a ‘that : Robert Burns

Is there for honest Poverty

That hings his head, an' a' that;

The coward slave-we pass him by,

We dare be poor for a' that!

For a' that, an' a' that.

Our toils obscure an' a' that,

The rank is but the guinea's stamp,

The Man's the gowd for a' that.

What though on hamely fare we dine,

Wear hoddin grey, an' a that;

Gie fools their silks, and knaves their wine;

A Man's a Man for a' that:

For a' that, and a' that,

Their tinsel show, an' a' that;

The honest man, tho' e'er sae poor,

Is king o' men for a' that.

Ye see yon birkie, ca'd a lord,

Wha struts, an' stares, an' a' that;

Tho' hundreds worship at his word,

He's but a coof for a' that:

For a' that, an' a' that,

His ribband, star, an' a' that:

The man o' independent mind

He looks an' laughs at a' that.

A prince can mak a belted knight,

A marquis, duke, an' a' that;

But an honest man's abon his might,

Gude faith, he maunna fa' that!


Their dignities an' a' that;

The pith o' sense, an' pride o' worth,

Are higher rank than a' that.

http://www.robertburns.org/works/glossary/800.html


















Then let us pray that come it may,

(As come it will for a' that,)

That Sense and Worth, o'er a' the earth,

Shall bear the gree, an' a' that.


It's coming yet for a' that,

That Man to Man, the world o'er,

Shall brothers be for a' that.




Documents

humanism.org.uk · 2015-03-26 · Humanist Ceremonies – suggestions for readings Compiled solely for use by accredited celebrants in the BHA’s Humanist Ceremonies network. Page