10
Outie Belly Buttons = Ugly People Outie Belly Buttons = Ugly People Outie Belly Buttons = Ugly People Outie Belly Buttons = Ugly People Picture of the Week Picture of the Week Picture of the Week Picture of the Week Lee with Hair... Beach (Dramatization) Saturday - Give Someone a Dollar Day (I got a dollar, I got a dollar, I got a dollar, hey hey hey hey) Sunday - Waiting for the Barbarians Day (hope they don't take too long, I hate waiting) Monday - National Doughnut Day (mmmmm, doughnut...) Tuesday - Return Day (uh, go back where you came from?) Wednesday - Feast of Stolen Fire Thursday - Cook Something Pungent Day (make sure to hold your nose) Ramdiculous Observances Submit your photos at ramdiculous.com A Ramdiculous Page blessed with Superman's X-Ray Vi- sion. So, sorry outie belly button people, you're ugly. It's a fact of life. You take the good, you take the bad. You take them both and there you have - the facts of life. If you wish to change others perceptions of your outer shell to get the to like you, rather than face the arduous task of forcing them to "get to know you as a person," you are now in luck. There's a fabulous I know what you're thinking, "What kind of person would make such a blatantly offensive statement?" Well, if you are anything like the rest of the American public, then you would. Studies have shown that out of the entire population of the world, Americans rank as the most shallow, appearance based society*. This means that anything, no matter how slight it might be in the scope of life, will be considered ugly even if it doesn't hold any bearing on the person's actual being or personality. Now, most people have innie belly buttons which is quite the norm and therefore socially accepted as beautiful. But there are a select few who are predisposed to having outies, though most times they are able to wander the streets of our cities unnoticed. Let's face it, most people don't go around with their belly buttons hang- ing out unless they are on a beach, a hooker, or Paris Hil- ton**. So when it is discovered that a friend or relative, or even a complete stranger, has an outie belly button, they are automatically ostracized and mocked. Secretly, however, those poking fun at the outie- haver are thinking to themselves that the person is ugly as sin. And why do they hate people with outies? Because they are taught that outer beauty is the most and only important thing. Since people with outies are different, aka not anorexically thin blondes with implants and vapid personalities, they are seen as ugly by the world. That is not to say of course that they truly are ugly, but based solely upon the fact that they have an outie rather than an innie, they are. Beauty may only be skin deep, but that's as far as people can actually look. We are not all Angelo State's Finest Paper Since Fall 2006 Included in this issue: Ram of the Week 2 Movie Review 2 Quote of the Week 3 Facebook Invasion 3 Poetry Time 4 Who’s this? 4 Thoughts To Ponder 5 Brainteasers 5 Movies 10 Dante Residential 7 Colbert Cornert 5 Mythbusters 7 So Damn Awesome 6 A November 2, 2007 Plan Your Eulogy Day Volume 3, Issue 6 Continued on page 3

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Brainteasers 5 Tuesday - Return Day (uh, go back where you came from?) Who’s this? 4 Angelo State's Finest Paper Since Fall 2006 Wednesday - Feast of Stolen Fire Ram of the Week 2 Colbert Cornert 5 So Damn Awesome 6 Quote of the Week 3 Facebook Invasion 3 Dante Residential 7 November 2, 2007 Thoughts To Ponder 5 Plan Your Eulogy Day Outie Belly Buttons = Ugly People Outie Belly Buttons = Ugly People Outie Belly Buttons = Ugly People Outie Belly Buttons = Ugly People Volume 3, Issue 6 Beach

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Page 1: 3.6

Outie Belly Buttons = Ugly PeopleOutie Belly Buttons = Ugly PeopleOutie Belly Buttons = Ugly PeopleOutie Belly Buttons = Ugly People

Picture of the WeekPicture of the WeekPicture of the WeekPicture of the Week

Lee with Hair...

Beach

(Dramatization)

Saturday - Give Someone a Dollar Day (I got a dollar,

I got a dollar, I got a dollar, hey hey hey hey)

Sunday - Waiting for the Barbarians Day

(hope they don't take too long, I hate waiting)

Monday - National Doughnut Day (mmmmm, doughnut...)

Tuesday - Return Day (uh, go back where you came from?)

Wednesday - Feast of Stolen Fire

Thursday - Cook Something Pungent Day (make sure to hold your nose)

Ramdiculous Observances

Submit your photos at ramdiculous.com

A

Ramdiculous Page

blessed with Superman's X-Ray Vi-

sion. So, sorry outie belly button

people, you're ugly. It's a fact of life.

You take the good, you take the bad.

You take them both and there you

have - the facts of life. If you wish to

change others perceptions of your

outer shell to get the to like you,

rather than face the arduous task of

forcing them to "get to know you as a

person," you are now in luck. There's

a fabulous

I know what you're thinking,

"What kind of person would

make such a blatantly offensive

statement?" Well, if you are

anything like the rest of the

American public, then you

would. Studies have shown that

out of the entire population of

the world, Americans rank as

the most shallow, appearance

based society*. This means that

anything, no matter how slight

it might be in the scope of life,

will be considered ugly even if

it doesn't hold any bearing on

the person's actual being or

personality. Now, most people

have innie belly buttons which

is quite the norm and therefore

socially accepted as beautiful.

But there are a select few who

are predisposed to having

outies, though most times they

are able to wander the streets of

our cities unnoticed. Let's face

it, most people don't go around

with their belly buttons hang-

ing out unless they are on a

beach, a hooker, or Paris Hil-

ton**. So when it is discovered

that a friend or relative, or even

a complete stranger, has an

outie belly button, they are

automatically ostracized and

mocked. Secretly, however,

those poking fun at the outie-

haver are thinking to themselves

that the person is ugly as sin.

And why do they hate people

with outies? Because they are

taught that outer beauty is the

most and only important thing.

Since people with outies are

different, aka not anorexically

thin blondes with implants and

vapid personalities, they are

seen as ugly by the world. That

is not to say of course that they

truly are ugly, but based solely

upon the fact that they have an

outie rather than an innie, they

are. Beauty may only be skin

deep, but that's as far as people

can actually look. We are not all

Angelo State ' s Finest Paper Since Fal l 2006

Included in this issue:

Ram of the Week 2

Movie Review 2

Quote of the Week 3

Facebook Invasion 3

Poetry Time 4

Who’s this? 4

Thoughts To Ponder 5

Brainteasers 5

Movies 10

Dante Residential 7

Colbert Cornert 5

Mythbusters 7

So Damn Awesome 6

A

November 2, 2007

Plan Your Eulogy Day

Volume 3, Issue 6

Continued on page 3

Page 2: 3.6

Rambelle of the Week

Awkwardness...

When your roommate asks if you are going When your roommate asks if you are going When your roommate asks if you are going When your roommate asks if you are going to "go over and make sure she puts it in" to "go over and make sure she puts it in" to "go over and make sure she puts it in" to "go over and make sure she puts it in" while referencing his girlfriend...while referencing his girlfriend...while referencing his girlfriend...while referencing his girlfriend... This section of the Ramdiculous Page is for things that

make a normal person feel awkward…

Submit your thoughts @ ramdiculous.com

SAW IV

Laura is cool because she’s so in love with a cool God.

She likes nothing more than to play guitar and sing , and

trust me, she has a really amazing voice. You should go

listen to her sing sometime...seriously.

Dark. Sadistic. Twisted. Deliciously evil.

Sick. Hilarious.

All of these are things which I would call

Saw IV, the latest in the franchise,

though certainly not the last. You heard

right, not the last. Lionsgate just inked a

deal committing to the making of at least

2, possibly 3, more Saw films. But,

enough current events, on with the

review.

Done in what has become its' trademark

style, Saw IV is gritty, dirty and looks like

it was shot on a home Hi-8, but this is

what the audience has come to know,

love and expect. The storyline for this

newest installment is centered around Lt.

Rigg, you know, the big burly black

SWAT cop from Saw III. Okay, maybe

you don't, but it doesn't matter, just trust

me. The idea this time is that Lt. Rigg

must face his demons, as is the usual way

with these films, and try to quit his

obsession with saving people. Sound

weird? Well, it is but thus the basis of

appeal.

There are plenty of wicked traps and

tricks in the film which are deliciously

evil and so sickeningly twisted that I

nearly coughed up a lung I was laughing

so much. Yes, I find humor in this film,

maybe I'm a sick freak but at least I know

what's good. I don't want to spoil this

film for anyone because I think you just

have to see it for yourself. In fact, I will

be going again soon if anyone would care

to join me...but I digress.

The only thing I found wrong with this

film was that they blatantly ripped off a

death scene from Final Destination 3. I

don't know if they just thought maybe no

one would notice or they ran out of

ideas, but either way I was saddened. For

shame, Lionsgate and Patrick Melton and

Marcus Dunstan. I caught you. You can't

trick a trickster.

As for acting, it was lame as usual. But

hey, who cares when there are so many

other intricacies and nuances to toy with

your head. I must say that I had to wait

nearly an hour and five minutes before I

figured out the ending (which is a record

best for the writers of Saw. Typically I've

done it in under 20 minutes). And, if any

of you know or care who he is, Scott

Patterson makes an appearance in the

film as Special Agent Strahm, that was a

delightful surprise.

Overall, this film was cruel, unusual (for

a Saw film), and utterly amazing. Tons of

twists (maybe one too many. might have

been stretching it), cohesive plot and

storyline, ample amounts of blood, and a

couple of awkward sad moments. I

definitely think this is the best Saw film

to date, and give it a well-earned, solid A

and 1/2.

--Kendall T Longbottom

Page 2 Volume 3, Issue 6 Ramdiculous Page

The Weekly Journal Have you ever thought about the possible correlations be-

tween pancakes and U.F.O.’s? Well I just happened to be studying this

possibility for the past 150 seconds. It is almost mind-blowing how

correlationy the objects are. The only downside is that one is edible,

where the other may not be. But I think they may be because they are

freekin’ aliens.

First, let’s start with the shape of both objects. Both are rela-

tively flat. Pancakes are very flat, flying saucers are somewhat flat with

a hump in the middle (teehee).

The history of pancakes!!!!

One day an alien got bored in his home planet. He had to be

bored because what can be boring when you’re a freekin’ alien. Flying

through walls is fun much of the time. Unless you accidentally fly into

the bathroom when a whale is taking a shower… So this alien, we shall

call him Hollander. He got bored and went for an inter-galactic drive/

fly/hyperspace thing. HOWEVER! Something went wrong because of

the sun (long story), and he crashed…..BOOOOOOM(&(@&(*^&! In

area 51. Since nothing exists in area 51, it would be a couple days until

he could get help and/or repair his ship. After am arduous day’s work,

the alien became hungry, because he descended from monkeys as

well. But alas! Hollander had no pancake mix! Soooo sad. But lucky

Hollander! There was a 7/11 just around the corner. He used his stealth

cloak and jacked some bisquick and sugar, since you cant have salty

pancakes unless an Iron Chef prepares them. So he returns to the crash

site and grabs his Tupperware bowl and gets to work. Mixing, mixing,

mixing…Hollander was rather happy about his progress until he de-

cided that raw pancake batter was not in the least bit tasty. So he got a

cookie sheet (also his invention) and put it on his still cooling anti-

gravity engine. He began to pour the batter, but to Hollander’s surprise

and dismay, gravity kicked in and made them flat. At first Hollander

was a little bit upset, but then he figured that, since they were flat, he

could make 5000 of them and store them for the return trip. So he

stole more mix, more sugar, and got to work. He finished making the

buttload of sandwiches, but then the army came and killed him.

-George Ferguson

Laura

Hertzler

Page 3: 3.6

home surgery kit that can reverse your outie, thus giving you an innie and

making you gorgeous. All you need to do is take a pair of scissors, a steak

knife and a bucket (to be placed beneath you) and start cutting away. Also, a

vacuum cleaner will come in handy for sucking away the excess blood and

the final remnants of your outie***. Sad as that may seem, it may be your

only option if you find yourself with an incurable outie that has brought you

nothing but pain and mockery. On the downside, if you are affected by peo-

ple thinking your ugly for having an outie, you are very impressionable and

just as shallow as they, we suggest joining a cult and drinking the Kool-Aid.

--Samuel Clemens

*study doesn't actually exist

** a snatch does not count as a belly button, but it is hanging out most of the

time also.

*** Ramdiculous Page does not condone this action, but suggests it only as a

way to make you less ugly, uglyface

*** Ramdiculous Page does not condone this action, but suggests it only as a

way to make you less ugly, uglyface. What celebrity do you

have a crush on?

BSM ActivitiesBSM ActivitiesBSM ActivitiesBSM Activities

Ignite @ 7:30 PM on Monday

Freshmen Bible Study @ 7:30 PM on Tuesday

Logos Lunch @ 12 PM on Friday

Upcoming EventsUpcoming EventsUpcoming EventsUpcoming Events

Volleyball v. Cameron, 2 p.m.

Nov. 3, JC/SA.

Football v. Tarleton State, 6 p.m.

Nov. 3, SA Stadium.

Quote of the WeekQuote of the WeekQuote of the WeekQuote of the Week

“You don’t watch TV and you “You don’t watch TV and you “You don’t watch TV and you “You don’t watch TV and you

don’t do good in school.”don’t do good in school.”don’t do good in school.”don’t do good in school.”

----Seth ChomoutSeth ChomoutSeth ChomoutSeth Chomout

Consumables of the

Week

Drink: Dr Pepper

Snack: Popcorn Make sure you have at

least one this week

Ryan Reynolds

-Logan Lankford

Brisbane, Australia

WEATHER:

This Week’s Happenings

Page 3 Volume 3, Issue 6 Ramdiculous Page

BEYONCE KNOWLES!!!

Who happens to be my

future wife!

-Casey Grounds

Matthew McConaughey....

droooool!

-Katie Harpool Television… If you want it back let us know…

When our favorite shows come back we will put

random ones here… i.e. Lost...

Continued from page 1

Page 4: 3.6

DDDDDDDDOOOOOOOO YOUYOUYOUYOUYOUYOUYOUYOU KNOWKNOWKNOWKNOWKNOWKNOWKNOWKNOW WHOWHOWHOWHOWHOWHOWHOWHO THISTHISTHISTHISTHISTHISTHISTHIS ISISISISISISISIS????????????????????????

If you do,

tell us at:

ramdiculous.com

And we will put your name in the

paper.

CHECK US

OUT @

Page 4 Volume 3, Issue 6 Ramdiculous Page

I like pizza

Its warm gooey nature astounds my

senses

I like pizza

The taste of a fresh crust is incomparable

Your can put almost anything on it

And somehow its great taste is main-

tained

You can even leave off all but the cheese

And it will still make your tongue jump

I like pizza

Pizza is good

POETRY TIME

.Aries- DO NOT GO ON AN ESCAPADE. It may prove

fateful. If you do, however, go on an escapade, be sure to

take a fishing spoon.

Taurus- Today is your day to flaunt.

Gemini- A cookie is worth a thousand words to John Stewart, but worth a million to

Stephen Colbert.

Cancer- Listen to a death metal song. It could be fun.

Leo- Argue a lot. Like a piece of land…

Virgo- Always….always, use plastic. I see fire in your future.

Scorpio- This week your friends will not call you a friend. Go cry emo kid.

Sagittarius- we may have a land full of evil supermans. Go get lots of kryptonite.

Capricorn- Ode to the jambalaya stew. You, stew, are good. So much filled with goodness. Even with

Andouille sausage.

Aquarius- Pay off your credit cards or THE ENFORCER WILL KICK YOU IN THE BABY MAKER!

Pisces- F.Y.I. Dr. Pepper is addicting, and the world will run out in 2.5 minutes (that’s 150 seconds for all non-astute

persons)

Horoscopes

Page 5: 3.6

Page 5 Volume 3, Issue 6 Ramdiculous Page

Thoughts To Ponder

• If someone owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way to the center of the earth?

• Why are both of Spongebob's parents round like sea sponges while he is square like a kitchen sponge?

• If bald people work as chefs in a restaurant, do they have to wear hairnets?

Brainteasers

Looking for a customized

website for your business?

Give us a call and set up a meeting.

[email protected]

(512) 567-4460

A

These are some

brainteasers, if you

don’t know what

they are go home…

the answers will be

down there next

week...

Words of wisdom from the great

Stephen Colbert

“Where is this myth coming from that eating trans-fat

and high sugar will make you fat?”

“There, Paul Stanley

finally looks masculine!”

Art by:

http://www.isthistomorrow.com/

80% of our readers prefer Colbert to Stewart

A little on the big side

Double Team

One flew over the

cuckoo's Nest

Winnie the Pooh

From Winnie the Pooh

Thank you Derek Durst, for knowing the

right answer...again.

t

t

u

b

smblowoke r

u

o

y

R

G the rosey I

N

play play

play play

Page 6: 3.6

Ramdiculous Page Page 6 Volume 3, Issue 6

This week, in part five, we examine Stephen Colbert's book, I Am America (And So Can You).

Colbert penned this best-seller so that his plethora of unaired opinions would be available to the masses and help to fix the problems of

this nation. For a book that has only been out a scant three weeks, Colbert's book has already garnered much attention and was even

awarded The Stephen T Colbert Award for the Literary Excellence, even before it was released to the public! The book is written in classic

Stephen Colbert truthiness and is straight forward, unabashed helping after helping of sheer genius. Reading this book is like watching a

227 page edition of The Word. If you have no idea what that is, I suggest playing a rousing game of "Go swallow the stuff under the sink."

If you do know, kudos, you are on track with our most influential pundit of all time. Colbert addresses many of the poignant social issues

facing our nation in his trademark style of brilliance, cynicism and sarcasm, and yet is able to persuade you with his docile tonality and

reassuring fatherly hand placed firmly on your lower back. He discusses, candidly, such things as the American family, immigration, homo-

sexuality, religion, and of course, himself. His ideas on such things are as humorous as they are ingenious. Who else but Stephen Colbert

could suggest, "[buiding] a 2000-mile-long front porch along our border with Mexico and line it with the angry aged" (p. 26) as a solution to

how to solve the illegal immigration crisis? Another thing Colbert helps with is the awkwardness of dating. Sound strange? Well, being that

Stephen Colbert was once himself a young adolescent, though clearly more suave than anyone else then or since, he offers up sure fire ways

to win over a lady friend on a date. He suggests always, ALWAYS ordering for the woman because "she's wrapped up in food issues...if she

orders an entree,..she's a pig, but if she only orders a salad,...she's anorexic." And who wants that kind of pressure? Thank you, Stephen

Colbert for easing the minds of all of us smart enough to purchase your life-changing book. Granted, the book goes on from there, but I

have yet to be able to finish it all. Sad, I know, but what can you do? You apparently have to "attend class" in order to "get credit" and on

top of that, you need to "do the homework." That's a lot and I've thus been slacking on my Colbert-ucation*. But, until next time....

--Samuel Clemens

*Colbert-ucation is a trademarked word of the author. Any unauthorized use of the word or any other word the author has coined** is

subject to prosecution (or execution) under the law.

**For complete list of words coined by author, please mail self-addressed envelope and $25 US to Ramdiculous Page, 9482 ASU Station,

San Angelo TX

Glen Meadows Baptist Church would like to

invite you to its college ministry!

We meet at the Lake House at 9:00 AM on Sunday Mornings,

as well as Tuesday evenings at 7:00 PM. Come early and stay

late and use our free washers and dryers, as well as the big

screen TV, free food and drinks, and a load of fun. Come by

and check it out.

Oh yeah, the Lake House is across the street from the Glen Meadows,

which is west on Knickerbocker. Take a left down American Legion Road

and it is the first lake house on the right.

http://www.college.gmbc.org

Page 7: 3.6

Ramdiculous Page

Ok Ram Rugby fans, this year there are only two home

games left, so plan for them.

Saturday, December 15, 2007 (alumni game)

Saturday, January 19, 2008 (University of Texas)

Remember: new players are always welcome.

1. Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two counterfeit $16 bills. When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxi-cated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still wouldn't give him the money, so the robber called the police -- and was arrested.

2. A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walk-ing" stole a steamroller and led police on a 5mph chase, until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

3. (28 February 2000, Delaware) A Dover man filled his portable propane bottle at a service station, placed the bottle on the floor of the passenger's side, and drove home. As he was driving, the nicotine blues hit him hard. He had to have that smoke. Unfortunately for him, he had only partially sealed the propane bottle's shutoff valve. Our hero flicked his bic, and we had lift-off... of the sunroof and windows in his car! Our astronaut didn't make it into outer space this time, but he did manage a ride on the helicopter that airlifted him to the hospital for treatment of his burned hands and face.

Ramdiculous Page T-Shirts? Yes, they are coming!!!

Do you have a great shirt idea? Send it to us at

[email protected]

Page 7 Volume 3, Issue 6

Darwin Awards (Ex Celebrity Arrests….because it

was stupid)

Ok, so we received an idea from a Rambelle of the Week from long ago, who

thought having a Mythbusters segment would be cool… So we are going to run

with it…

If you have any kind of Myth that you want to find out the truth on,

email us @ [email protected]

They are going to start serving

chicken strips in Roscoe’s Den!!!

(this one is actually true!)

Page 8: 3.6

Attitude is Everything By: Sir Walter Raleigh I have come to a few conclusions through the first ten

weeks of school. First of all, I hate school. Now, you might

say that is an unhealthy feeling, to which I would reply,

“You’re right.” Nonetheless, that is the way I feel, and there

is not much I can do about it. Or is there? That brings me to

my second conclusion. That is that repeatedly telling your-

self and others is very detrimental to your schooling. It ba-

sically puts you into a spiral because the more you hate

school, the less effort you put into it, which causes you to

do more poorly in your classes, then causing you to hate

them more. It may seem as though it is unavoidable. If you

hate school, then you hate school. But that’s not true. If you

try to think positively about school and work hard at it, you

will actually find that it’s not as bad as you thought. You

will feel good as you are rewarded for your efforts, and

you will likely spend much less time on homework if you

just have a good attitude about it and get it done, instead

of dreading it and putting it off as long as you can. It’s the

simple things like that which can make all the difference.

Those simple things like just doing your work and study-

ing without complaining. Oh, and also try to avoid other

people who complain about school because it will become

very easy to just start right in with them, and then you will

just feed off each other until you are both worse off than

before (though you will feel better ‘cause after all, you got

to vent right?). As good as it may feel to “vent,” you will

feel much better if you just suck it up and stop complain-

ing.

Page 8 Volume 3, Issue 6 Ramdiculous Page

I weep for San Angelo's morning ra-

dio scene. It's just too terrible to bear.

Take for instance the Bob & Tom

Show on The Rock. In an ideal world, the

show would play some music every now

and then. Instead it's two-plus hours of

fart jokes and some guys guffawing at lame

comedians, interspersed with all the static

from the station's ridiculously weak trans-

mission.

Or there's morning rock jock Chase

O'Reilly on The Fire. Truthfully, in recent

months I've been wondering whether

Chase O'Reilly actually exists, or if he may

simply be a figment of everyone's imagina-

tion. Anything is possible in radio.

No, the perfect morning show in San

Angelo was the Mix Morning Madhouse,

a pristine balance of music and comedy,

which the geniuses at Mix 106 cancelled

in late 2004. In its place, piped in from

Dallas, is some dude named "Kidd Krad-

dick."

But, first, I must backtrack. Do you

remember the IN-YOUR-FACE AWE-

SOME Mix Morning Madhouse on Mix

106 back in the day? If you don't, to hell

with you:

IN THE BEGINNING, there was J. Pat

McKaye and Jack the Burrito Guy. And they

had the Morning Madhouse. And it was

GOOD.

Then, in 2004, J. Pat left for lands un-

known. Into his chair came Andy Allen. And

he was UNFUNNY. And there was a great

darkness.

But, once again, there was great rejoicing

in the land, because Andy was SMOTE from

the Madhouse. His replacement was Jayson

Slater, who sat in J. Pat's chair alongside the

Burrito Guy. And Slater was GOOD.

And thanks to the talents of Slater, I

was starting to listen to the Madhouse

again. Then they yanked it in favor of

something more poppy.

And I wept when they did (not

really). Godspeed, Burrito Guy.

So now there's Kidd Kraddick. And

I'm not certain who "Kidd Kraddick" actu-

ally is, because there are like three dudes

on that show at any given time, and they

all sound mostly the same. And the chick

on that show annoys me.

A typical show goes something like

this (although this may not be entirely

accurate; I couldn't stand to listen to more

than one minute):

Some dude: Welcome back to "Kidd

Kraddick in the Morning". You're listen-

ing to Kidd, Al, Kellie, and [random host],

and BOY, we're having a good time.

Aren't we? Aren't YOU?

Kellie, the only discernable voice:

Oh my GAWSH. I went out one day and

my car wouldn't start. And it was COLD

outside, YA'LL! I can't STAND IT! It was

AWFUL! [Tells story to death]

Random voice: YEEEOOOOW!

Some dude, likely Kidd: Listeners,

don't forget to help Kidd's Kids, a non-

profit organization that I'm constantly

promoting. And go to our website, which

I promote even more. I want to kiss my-

self. Kraddick Kraddick Kraddick.

Other dudes: Yeah. Good times.

Kellie: Hey, do that song. It cracks

me up.

Another dude, apparently a guest:

[Sings vague parody of an outdated song, proba-

bly "SexyBack"]

A dude, perhaps Al, maybe Kidd:

We'll be right back after these Ashlee

Simpson songs we'll be making fun of

next week.

Mix 106 Announcer: You're listening

to "Kidd Kraddick in the Morning" here

on Mix 106.

Me: No, I'm not. [Switches to The Fire;

listens to overplayed Nickelback song; wishes

Chase O'Reilly would play some KISS]

REQUIEM FOR THE BURRITO GUY by Thomas Nast

Page 9: 3.6

Ramdiculous Page Page 9 Volume 3, Issue 6

We also have the

RAMDICULOUS PAGE

in color, online!

"The other day I was reading Newsweek magazine and

came across some poll data I found rather hard to

believe. It must be true, given the source, right?

The Newsweek poll alleges that 67 percent of Ameri-

cans are unhappy with the direction the country is

headed, and 69 percent of the country is unhappy

with the performance of the President. In essence,

2/3's of the citizenry just isn't happy and want a

change.

So being the knuckle dragger I am, I started thinking,

''What are we so unhappy about?'' Is it that we have

electricity and running water 24 hours a day, 7 days a

week?

Is our unhappiness the result of having air condition-

ing in the summer and heating in the winter?

Could it be that 95.4 percent of these unhappy folks

have a job?

Maybe it is the ability to walk into a grocery store at

any time, and see more food in moments than Darfur

has seen in the last year?

Maybe it is the ability to drive from the Pacific Ocean

to the Atlantic Ocean without having to present

identification papers as we move through each state?

Or possibly the hundreds of clean and safe motels we

would find along the way that can provide temporary

shelter?

I guess having thousands of restaurants with varying

cuisine from around the world is just not good

enough.

Or could it be that when we wreck our car, emergency

workers show up and provide services to help all, and

even send a helicopter to take you to the hospital.

Perhaps you are one of the 70 percent of Americans

who own a home. You may be upset with knowing

that in the unfortunate case of a fire, a group of

trained firefighters will appear in moments and use

top notch equipment to extinguish the flames thus

saving you, your family and your belongings.

Or if, while at home watching one of your many flat

screen TVs, a burglar or prowler or intrudes , an

officer equipped with a gun and a bullet-proof vest

will come to defend you and your family against

attack or loss.

This all in the backdrop of a neighborhood free of

bombs or militias raping and pillaging the residents.

Neighborhoods where 90 percent of teenagers own

cell phones and computers.

How about the complete religious, social and political

freedoms we enjoy that are the envy of everyone in

the world?

Maybe that is what has 67 percent of you folks un-

happy.

Fact is, we are the largest group of ungrateful, spoiled

brats the world has ever seen. No wonder the world

loves the U.S., yet has a great disdain for its citizens.

They ! see us f or what we are. The most blessed

people in the world who do nothing but complain

about what we don't have , and what we hate about

the country instead of thanking the good Lord we live

here.

I know, I know. What about the President who took

us into war and has no plan to get us out? The Presi-

dent who has a measly 31 percent approval rating? Is

this the same President who guided the nation in the

dark days after 9/11? The President that cut taxes to

bring an economy out of recession? Could this be the

same guy who has been called every name in the book

for succeeding in keeping all the spoiled ungrateful

brats safe from terrorist attacks?

The Commander-In Chief of an all-volunteer army

that is out there defending you and me? Did you hear

how bad the President is on the news or talk show?

Did this news affect you so much, make you so un-

happy you couldn't take a look around for yourself

and see all the good things and be glad?

Think about it...are you upset at the President be-

cause he actually caused you personal pain OR is it

because the "Media" told you he was failing to kiss

your sorry ungrateful behind every day.

Make no mistake about it. The troops in Iraq and

Afghanistan have volunteered to serve, and in many

cases may have died for your freedom. There is cur-

rently no draft in this country. They didn't have to go.

They are able to refuse to go and end up with either a

''general'' discharge, an ''other than honorable'' dis-

charge or, worst case scenario, a ''dishonorable'' dis-

charge after a few days in the brig.

So why then the flat-out discontentment in the minds

of 69 percent of Americans? Say what you want, but I

blame it on the media. If it bleeds, it leads; and they

specialize in bad news. Everybody will watch a car

crash with blood and guts. How many will watch kids

selling lemonade at the corner? The media knows this

and media outlets! are for -profit corporations. They

offer what sells , and when criticized, try to defend

their actions by "justifying" them in one way or an-

other. Just ask why they tried to allow a murderer like

O.J. Simpson to write a book about "how he didn't

kill his wife, but if he did he would have done it this

way"...Insane!

Stop buying the negativism you are fed everyday by

the media. Shut off the TV, burn Newsweek, and use

the New York Times for the bottom of your bird cage.

Then start being grateful for all we have as a country.

There is exponentially more good than bad.

We are among the most blessed people on Earth, and

should thank God several times a day, or at least be

thankful and appreciative.

"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud

slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the

country from one end to another, and with the threat

of bird flu and terrorist attacks, "Are we sure this is a

good time to take God out of the Pledge of Alle-

giance?"

—Jay Leno, 2007

Page 10: 3.6

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