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A Morning with MaggieExploring Toddlers to 10-year-olds
for anyone who lives or works with children
wwwmaggiedentcom
Program
800am Doors open and registration
850am Welcome amp acknowledgement of country
900am-1030am Session 1 Seeing the world through your childrenrsquos eyes
1030am-1100am Morning tea
1100am-1230pm Session 2 Practical strategies for everyday dilemmas with children
1230pm-100pm Q amp A session
1pm Conference close
Seeing the World Through Our Childrenrsquos
Eyes
Practical Strategies for Everyday Dilemmas
with Children
amp
The Bountiful Brain ExploredldquoThe idea that the brain can change its own structure and function through thought and activity is the most important alteration in our view of the brain since we first sketched out its basic anatomy and the working of its basic component the neuronrdquo
mdash Norman Doidge The Brain that Changes Itself (2007)
Attachment is the lsquosuper gluersquo that holds a child in close proximity to a parentcaregiver A child is meant to pursue proximity which means being close to their big person so that they feel safe and are safe Attachment is as important to healthy child development as eating or sleeping Indeed in much of the most recent research strong attachment and bondedness can be shown to be the most significant influence on emotional wellbeing mental health and physical health for life
Safe baseEvery child needs at least one safe base The more the better
raquo Children are meant to pursue proximity
raquo Adults are meant to provide proximity
raquo The purpose of attachment is to keep the child safe and make the child feel safe
raquo Attachment is as important to healthy child development as eating or sleeping
raquo Attachment is the lsquosuper gluersquo that holds a child in close proximity to a parentcaregiver
It does seem almost ironic that a child learns independence by being completely dependent on their significant big person However that is how Mother Nature planned it to be As children grow older they still have a primary need to feel that they are loved and valued In a way it is like building bridges that show we are connected even when we have to teach our children right ways and boundaries
Building love bridges with our children
raquo Have welcoming and farewelling rituals
raquo Wink at children make funny faces give them high fives or thumbs up ndash non-verbal messages of connection
raquo Parents can give small symbols to hold onto in their absence like kisses in the childrsquos hands
raquo Create a unique bedtime ritualhellip ldquoI love you more thanhelliprdquo
raquo Send them rainbows when you are away
raquo Create an imaginary giant protectorguardian angel to watch over your child
raquo Have a picture of you with your child in a locket or plastic sleeve they can keep in their bag
raquo Record readable stories or messages on smart phones if yoursquore away
raquo Take small bites out of their toast or a bite out of their sandwich
raquo Leave notes or funny pictures in their lunch box or on the bathroom mirror
raquo Hide special messages around the house when you go away
raquo Spontaneously join them in drawing or colouring in
raquo Join them on the couch randomly to watch their favourite show
raquo Engage in spontaneous hugs cuddles and tickles
raquo Launch a lsquosurprise bedroom attackrsquo (for older children)
Margot Sunderland in her excellent book The Science of Parenting (2007) warns against allowing babies to get to a highly distressed state for more than a short time as all the brain chemicals flood their little brains and their primitive brain response is likened to being abandoned from the tribe and that death is imminent She warns that this type of distress if it happens often can wire a child to be hypersensitive to stress for the rest of their lives and increase the chances of
depression self-harm and addictive behaviours mdash so sensitive is the developing brain of our babies and toddlers They are unable to soothe themselves when they are distressed and need big people especially the big people who love them to help manage these big ugly feelings that frighten them Even the most loving and attentive parents can find crying babies day after day enormously taxing and exhausting especially when they are sleep-deprived themselves For parents without partners this is an especially challenging time The more support parents of new babies can get from either family or community the better
raquo Burping
raquo Swaddling
raquo Riding in car
raquo Singing talking
raquo Rocking swaying
raquo Increase warmth in the room
raquo Playing soft familiar music
raquo Making soothing sounds
raquo Rubbing patting stroking
raquo Rhythmic noise and vibration
raquo Walking with baby in your arms
raquo Body sack or carriage
raquo Gentle baby massage
raquo Warm baths
The best soothing options
mdash Source Licia Rando Caring and Connected Parenting (2010)
Avoiding meltdowns and warsRemember the ONLY 3 Rules that matter
In our home please try NOT to
01 Hurt yourself
02 Hurt others
03 Hurt things in the world around us
Sunderland (2007) lists six triggers for poor behaviour in children
01 Tiredness and hunger
02 An immature brain
03 Unmet psychological needs
04 Intense emotions
05 Parental stress
06 A parenting style that activates the alarm systems in a childrsquos lower brain
A note about older girls and the safe basehellipFor many parents as their daughters approach puberty (and for many girls this is happening quite young) and through their teen years they may notice that their behaviour can become volatile And yet outside the home they may receive reports that their daughter is an angel The thing is our girls need a safe place to vent their big ugly feelings and irrational thoughts and that safe base might just be you Irsquove written a blog about this for teen girls but it is just as relevant for younger girls
Read my article on Helping Girls with Volatile Emotions
A note about older boys and the safe basehellipFor many parents in particular mothers (but often dads too) as their sons approach puberty we can sometimes struggle to understand how the changes they are going through affect their behaviour As a result there is often a mismatch between what a boy does and what we think he has done Irsquove written a blog about this particularly for mums of boys but again the content will be relevant to dads and people who work with boys
Read my article on The One Question Mums of Sons Should Ask
When children are hard work
Babies toddlers and young children have an under-developed prefrontal cortex ndash and adults have mostly a finished executive functioning brain ndash they need us to help them when things get tough
Firstly can we see our children as struggling rather than being lsquobadrsquo or lsquonaughtyrsquo
1 Firstly consider mdash from the childrsquos perspective mdash is there an unmet need
A child may be
raquo wet raquo tired raquo thirsty raquo hungry raquo bored raquo confused
raquo feeling sick or in pain raquo angry or frustrated raquo feeling powerless or weak raquo feeling unsafe or threatened raquo feeling unloved disconnected and invisible raquo feeling that no one cares
2 How can I help meet that need
You might say to your child raquo ldquoWill a hug helprdquo raquo ldquoHere is a drink of water Does that helprdquo raquo ldquoDo you feel sick Let me feel your headrdquo raquo ldquoLetrsquos go outside for a whilerdquo raquo ldquoCan I help you with somethingrdquo raquo ldquoTell me what you need right nowrdquo
Thenhellip Maybe offer a safe base ndash to enable a calming of their amygdala ndash allow some lsquocalm downrsquo time
raquo Kneel nearby and offer a calm kind presence raquo Go sit in a favourite spot ndash comfy chair or couch and hug their favourite soft toy ie to mimic
soothing raquo Take three deep breaths or three big sighs raquo Quietly start singing a favourite nursery rhyme or bedtime ritual song raquo Lay down on the floor nearby and be still and quiet raquo Spray some Bush Flower Essences or Emergency Essence around the room raquo Put on some nature soundscalming music raquo Send them rainbows of love
The Parental PauseChallenging behaviour from children is hard enough Of course when you add serious sleep deprivation lack of caffeine swirling hormones ndash especially for mums ndash and possibly hunger and an unbelievable sense of exhaustion it can be difficult to access your own freaking pre frontal cortex Sometimes you actually ponder as to whether yours has been stolen or maybe you left it somewhere accidentally
Let me reassure you ndash it has not been stolen and you have not left it somewhere You are not a bad person or a useless parent if you feel angry You simply need to master the art of the Parental Pause
What is the Parental Pause
This magical technique is beyond simple and will help you at times of high tension to be the person you wished you could be without hiding in your bedroom and eating a family block of fruit and nut chocolate (technically a form of health food surely)
It works like this
01 You stop moving You ground your feet
02 Gently bend your knees
03 Place your right hand on your heart
04 Take a deep breath Maybe another two deep breaths
05 Then you slowly stand close by or kneel near your child
Be present
Be still
Observe calmly the world through your childrsquos eyes
Inwardly to yourself ndash repeat these words silently ndash
ldquoMy child is not bad or naughty ndash they are just struggling to cope with their world Let me be what they need right now ndash a safe baserdquo
Thatrsquos it
Imagine that you are at a school assembly for one of your older children when your two-year-old says ldquoI want a drink of waterrdquo Maybe you might calmly respond by saying ldquoBabe I canrsquot get you a drink of water right now However I will as soon as this finishesrdquo The two-year-old starts whining and says much louder ldquoI want some water now Mummyrdquo Again you try to placate her by saying ldquoWersquoll just have to wait til this finishesrdquo and the two-year-old starts to lose the plot Sound familiar
John Medina writes in his excellent book Brain Rules (2014 wwwbrainrulesnet) of the work of behaviourist John Gottman According to Gottman one of the best ways to manage a potential meltdown situation ndash especially with a young child who has poor executive function in her upstairs brain ndash is to acknowledge the childrsquos feelings and empathise
So if that two-year-old who is having a meltdown at the school assembly had heard the following words she might have felt heard ldquoBabe you are thirsty and I reckon a big drink of nice cold water would make you feel so much better I wish I had a drink in my bag so that I could give it to you right now and you could drink as much as you likedrdquo
According to Gottman such an empathetic response which helps identify the emotions that are present acts like pouring water onto a flame as it diffuses intense emotional moments Technically this is called lsquocoaching of emotionsrsquo however it can also be called taming the emotions This has to be one of the best secrets that Irsquove found and I have tried it on other peoplersquos children to find it works every time It ticks all the boxes of meaningful adult interaction
in that it is respectful and it is teaching and guiding a childrsquos awareness As the child is heard and validated it seems to soothe the cortisol levels in the childrsquos brain quite quickly So the next time your child pesters you for a biscuit and it is just before dinner try validating that for them ldquoI know you want a biscuit now sweetheart because I know you like biscuits and you are going to feel frustrated and a little angry when I donrsquot get you one because itrsquos just before dinner We can have a biscuit tomorrow when it isnrsquot time for dinnerrdquo
Anxiety amp self-regulationSymptoms of anxiety
raquo Complaints of stomach aches or headaches raquo Sleep problems or difficulty concentrating raquo Behavioural changes such as moodiness a short temper or clinginess raquo Development of a nervous habit such as nail biting raquo Refusal to go to school or getting into trouble at school raquo Avoidance behaviours raquo Arousal heart rate breathing shaky and dizzy raquo Fatigue and exhaustion
Frequently Missed Symptoms of Anxiety
raquo Angry outbursts
raquo Oppositional and refusal behaviours
raquo Temper tantrums
raquo Aggression
raquo Attention seeking behaviours
raquo Hyperactivity and difficulty sitting still
raquo Concentration problems
raquo Scholastic underachievement or excessive resistance to doing work
raquo Frequent visits to school nurse
raquo High number of missed school days
raquo Difficulties with social or peer group
mdash Source Dr Lyn Miller address to The Development of Childrenrsquos Mental Health How Do We Become Who We Are Conference Canada 2012
Sometimes what is seen as misbehaviour is more a stress behaviour Or a sign your child is not coping with their world In the excellent new book on self-regulation Self-Reg How to help your child (and you) break the stress cycle and successfully engage with life by Dr Stuart Shanker with Teresa Barker (2016) we learn much to help us understand stress behaviour
Shanker Self-Regtrade is explained in the following way
bull Self-Reg starts by reframing a childrsquos behaviour and for that matter our own It means seeing the meaning of the childrsquos behaviour maybe for the first time
bull Self-Reg will show you where to stand how to bring your childrsquos behaviour into focus respond to your childrsquos needs and help your child help himself
bull Self-Reg starts with how well we can identify and reduce our own stressors and how we can stay calm and attentive when we interact with a child
mdash Source Stuart Shanker Self-Reg (2016)
The brain and self-regulation
Babies only have a lsquoprimitive brainrsquo and somewhere in the growth over the first years of life they grow the next level of the brain the limbic brain You often hear this referred to as the emotional centre of the brain and basically this system lies underneath our more rational pre-frontal cortex Some of the limbic systemrsquos major structures include the
raquo Amygdala
raquo Hippocampus
raquo Hypothalamus
raquo Striatum
The limbic system is the where our strong emotions and urges come from Think of the meltdowns and temper tantrums over the wrong coloured cup the sandwich cut the wrong way and the apple peeled instead of not
In his book Enriching the Brain (2006) Eric Jensen writes that memories are anchored much more deeply when there are strong emotions present The limbic system plays a part here too That is why powerful scary memories anchor so deeply in the brain alongside those memories that were accompanied by exquisite joy (If you want some ideas about this read my Making Memories That Matter article)
ldquo Love desire fear shame anger and trauma all share a neurological home baserdquo mdash Shanker (2016)
Now we often hear about how stress and especially prolonged distress triggers us to come from our lsquoprimitive brainrsquo ndash so we go into fight flight or freeze mode And this can inhibit our ability to respond from our pre-frontal cortex (which isnrsquot fully formed until wersquore adults) This aspect of our brain which is commonly referred to as our lsquohigherrsquo brain or lsquoexecutive functioningrsquo brain plays a role in managing our emotions planning making decisions deliberating over consequences and guiding our social behaviour and the like
Shanker (2016) writes about how very influential the limbic system in particular the hypothalamus is in regulating everything from our body temperature hunger and thirst heart rate and breathing through to ldquoaspects of hearing speaking mind reading other peoplersquos social and emotional cues parenting and attachment behavioursrdquo
Basically he explains ldquoAll of these different functions are tied to the brainrsquos most primitive response to anything from relatively minor stressors to fullon threats ndash or at least what our limbic system lsquodecidesrsquo is a threat When we can calm that response we begin to bring all of the other self-regulatory processes into syncrdquo
He also refers to new discoveries being made all the time into how being in flightflight mode can switch off certain brain functions including for example how stress impacts on childrenrsquos middle ear muscles and affects their capacity to process speech and hear low-frequency sounds (Shanker 2016)
I am pretty sure that in a moment of conflict a parent would seldom be using low frequency sounds No wonder they canrsquot hear us
I have a video blog on Why boysrsquo behaviour is their language but really this notion applies to all children and as parents and educators we need to be like detectives in looking for clues to determine when a child is stressed and needs support to calm their stress levels
Similar to the symptoms listed above for anxiety stressed children can present in many ways irritable unfocused explosive clingy aggressive quick to anger oppositional overly teary hard to get moving overly sensitivehellip all of these are signs your child may be experiencing a high level of stress
No matter what the triggers for this stress are ndash these children who are often seen as naughty or badly behaved are quite simply not coping with their world The children who are under more stress have less capacity to manage Excess stress drains their energy and then if they meet more challenge that triggers more stress everything can collide together like a perfect storm
I believe that the lsquoschoolificationrsquo of young children is a major contributor to the increase in stress anxiety and a lot of inappropriate behaviour wersquore seeing as many children are struggling to cope
Main sources of stress and anxiety in children raquo Hurried over-scheduled world
raquo Temperaments and personality
raquo Absence of healthy love and attachment
raquo Too much pressure on children to perform
raquo Stressed parents who rush
raquo Not enough calm still quiet solo time
raquo Poor sleep patterns
raquo Too much stimulation from TV toys and adult commands
raquo Not enough consistency and routines
raquo Too much social change or social dislocation
raquo Shaming language
raquo Threats of abuse and violence
raquo Death and loss experiences
An overactive stress response system originating in childhood underlies many mental disorders later in life
raquo Depression
raquo Persistent states of anxiety
raquo Phobias and obsessions
raquo Physical symptoms and illness
raquo Being cut off emotionally
raquo Lethargy and lack of get up and go
raquo Lack of desire and excitement
raquo Lack of spontaneity
Much of the punishment that children receive for poor behaviour can be seen as adding fuel to a smouldering fire Think blaming shaming shouting and hitting ndash these punitive measures are still lingering from the harsh parenting and education practices of the last century especially before the 1970s
If punishment is too harsh a child can simply shut down ndash a serious level of stress survival that can sometimes look like compliance It is actually a sign that the child is highly distressed and can be damaging to your ongoing relationship
The damaging effects of shaming
Shame is the name we give to the overwhelming feeling that we need to crawl under a rock because we see ourselves as unworthy unpleasant unlikeable or reprehensible and because we expect to be judged or rejected accordingly
ldquoShame is like a knife that sharply delineates the limits of love in every culture the warning signal that something we are doing risks us being ostracisedrdquo
mdash Robin Grille Heart to Heart Parenting (2008)
Examples of shaming
raquo Deliberately ignoring a child
raquo Being sarcastic
raquo Walking away as though a child does not exist
raquo Rolling onersquos eyes
raquo Glaring at a child with disgust
raquo Shouting yelling and swearing at a child
We also shame when we say things such as
raquo ldquoYou ought to be ashamed of yourselfrdquo
raquo ldquoYou naughty boyrdquo
raquo ldquoYou are acting like a selfish bratrdquo
raquo ldquoYoursquove been a bad little girlrdquo
raquo ldquoGrow uprdquo
raquo ldquoStop acting like a babyrdquo
raquo ldquoDonrsquot be a sissyrdquo
raquo Girls donrsquot do that sort of thingrdquo
raquo ldquoYoursquore hopelessrdquo
raquo ldquoYoursquore not even tryingrdquo
raquo ldquoWhy canrsquot you be more like your brotherrdquo
raquo What are people going to think
The dynamics of energyUnderpinning this work in self-regulation is the notion that rather than shaming and controlling our children for reacting to stress we can help them learn to self-regulate We do this by supporting them to recognise whatrsquos going on in their bodies and how they can make themselves feel better A lot of this has to do with them (and us) monitoring their energy levels and what might be affecting them
This actually happens from birth Shanker (2016) writes of the ldquointer-brainrdquo which is ldquoa right brain-to-right brain communication channel between the parents and the baby delivered through touch sounds looks and even smellsrdquo
ldquoWe are designed to draw energy from one another and restore energy through one anotherhellip The better we can understand what might be draining a childrsquos energy reserves the better we can tailor our interactions and the choices we make to reduce that strainrdquo
mdash Stuart Shanker Self-Reg (2016)
Further Shanker says most stressors can be broken down to belonging in one of ldquoThe Five Domains of Stress and Self-Regulationrdquo biological emotional cognitive social and pro-social
Each of these domains has various stressors belonging to them and the better we understand those the better we can help to reduce them For example Shanker lists a pro-social stressor as ldquohaving to deal with other peoplersquos strong emotionsrdquo while a biological stressor might be tiredness or a noisy environment We can then look for signs that our child is potentially experiencing one of these stressors (Shanker 2016)
As parents carers and educators by having a greater understanding of these domains ndash stressors can come from more than one at a time ndash we can identify when children are experiencing issues in the various domains and adjust things to reduce the stress
More on self-regulationhellipThrough his work with The Mehrit Centre Dr Stuart Shanker has provided a wealth of excellent free resources on his website for teachers and parents and I would encourage everyone to not only read his new book Self-Reg but to spend some time browsing the site reading about these methods in more detail and using some of the tools provided at home or in your centreclassroom httpsself-regcaself-reg
In particular you may find these infographics helpful
Understanding Stress Behaviour for Parents Understanding Stress Behaviour for Teachers The Five Steps to Self-Regulation (The Shanker Methodtrade)
Becoming a CSI Detective We have to remember that in all interactions with our children maintaining a warm relationship needs to be first priority
Patterns habits routines and structure make the world more predictable and less startling for children I write about why healthy boundaries matter in my 10 resilience building blocks for an important reason
The better a baby and young children can recognise predictable patterns the less frightening and more engaging the world becomes Babies constantly look and listen for patterns all around them With pattern recognition comes the ability to know what yoursquore feeling and to act in an intentional way in your environment ndash it helps all of us anticipate what will happen next without becoming frightened about the uncertainty of the world
Chaos and rigidity are the two most confronting things that can impact our little onersquos lives Having routines and consistency makes the world safer for them and so they are not wasting vital energy figuring out if they are safe or not Always having to focus on survival denies children the capacity to interact in a curious way with the world Children quickly flip to survival brain because their pre frontal cortex is too immature and they will struggle when they donrsquot
understand what they are experiencing or why people are behaving the way they are or when this is too much for them Confusion and uncertainty are the opposite of having patterns and routines
The stronger a child is attached to key caregivers and the more attuned these caregivers are the better the child will navigate the uncertainties they will meet ndash moment by moment This means they will have more energy to explore and seek new things Yes it does take hours and hours of connected interaction to build these predictable pathways ndash this is called scaffolding and is essential to all learning Scaffolding is respectful to our young children because it values the input of the child first rather than something we do with a child
Acknowledging kids positively raquo Smile at them
raquo Wink at them
raquo Say hello using their name
raquo Say ldquoIrsquom glad to see yourdquo
raquo Suggest ldquoLetrsquos go play togetherrdquo
raquo Ask them to show you how to do a puzzle
raquo Give them a pat on the head back
raquo Hug them if appropriate
raquo Ask about their favourite toy
raquo Play a hand or clapping game with them
raquo Hold their hand
raquo Say things like
bull ldquoThank you for helping me clean up the toysrdquo
bull ldquoI noticed you washing your hands after going to the toiletrdquo
bull ldquoI know how hard it is to be patient when you play with othersrdquo
bull ldquoI noticed you using your quiet voice mdash well donerdquo
raquo Sing songs with them especially their favourite ones
raquo Cuddle up and watch ABC Kids with them
raquo Pretend to be an animal
raquo Call them up and say hello
raquo Make them laugh
Communicating compassionately with our children
Communication seems such a simple thing to do however poor communication is one of the key factors underlying conflict in our families We simply misunderstand each other
Being heard
Here are some phrases you might use that let your child know you are really hearing him or her
raquo ldquoLet me put this down so I can give you my full attentionrdquo
raquo ldquoWait a second while I turn off the TVradiocomputer so I can really hear yourdquo
raquo ldquoLetrsquos have some time together nowrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat would you like to do when we have our time together tomorrow afternoonrdquo
raquo ldquoSo what you mean isrdquo
raquo ldquoTell me more about thisrdquo
raquo ldquoIn other wordsrdquo
raquo ldquoLet me see if I understand you so farrdquo
raquo ldquoThat must have beenfor yourdquo
raquo ldquoAre you open to some feedback from merdquo
raquo ldquoNow thatrsquos interestingrdquo
raquo ldquoDoes that feel fair to yourdquo
raquo ldquoTell me what you were hoping to dordquo
raquo ldquoHow can we make this betterrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat do you think needs to happen nowrdquo
raquo ldquoSounds like youwe have a problemrdquo
raquo ldquoWhose problem is thisrdquo
raquo ldquoDoes that feel kind to yourdquo
raquo ldquoThere is a problem here How can I help you to sort it outrdquo
raquo ldquoCheck it out inside Does it feel rightrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat were you trying to do hererdquo
raquo ldquoDo you need my help right now to sort out what is happeningrdquo
raquo ldquoI know you can handle itrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat would you like to do nowrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat would a good friend do nowrdquo
raquo ldquoI noticed thatrdquo
raquo ldquoHaving a go is important mdash we canrsquot all win
Some secrets of positive parental communication
raquo Distraction
raquo Respectful caring requests
raquo Saying ldquoYes mdash Afterrdquo
raquo ldquoItrsquos just the right thing to dordquo
raquo Really listening
raquo Calm down time
Four steps to nurturing the inner genius in your child
1 Pause and become present
2 Ask ldquoDid you do that all by yourselfrdquo
3 Explain why the choice is one you would prefer they didnrsquot make again
4 Have them clean up the mess
Creating a family solution-seeking processldquo90 of childhood misbehaviour is the result of the developmental journeyrdquo
ndash Dr Gordon Neufeld Hold On to Your Kids (2005)
Essentially this means that childrenrsquos behaviour when it does not meet our expectations is not so much wrong or bad it is mainly children being children with a childrsquos mind and depth of experience If a childrsquos behaviour is inconvenient to us as an adult it too is not bad or wrong it is merely a normal part of the developmental journey of growing from child to adult Next time yoursquore frustrated and angry about your childrsquos behaviour pause take a deep breath and see if you can view that behaviour through the eyes of a child
One more thing is consider what we say to ourselves in our mind I so often hear the term lsquoattention seekingrsquo when talking about inappropriate behaviour in children If we could reframe that to ndash lsquolove seeking or connection seekingrsquo our response will be different
Family meetings are a wonderful way to resolve issues affirm values and rules and to connect Read my article on 10 Top Tips for a Successful Family Meeting
More on childrenrsquos anxietyRobin Grille in his book Heart to Heart Parenting (2008) outlines some of the things that are going on in a babyrsquos consciousness that I think are very helpful for is to keep in mind
raquo Babies feel everything far more intensely than do adults
raquo Babies cannot lie put on an act or pretend like older children What you see is what you get mdash complete emotional honesty
raquo Babies cannot plan or think ahead mdash all they do is to react
raquo Babies are incapable of influencing or manipulating anyone
raquo Babies do not understand time
raquo Babies have very little ability to soothe themselves
raquo Babies have no strong defences against pain or sorrow as they do not yet have the fight or flight response
raquo If babies learn that reaching out is rewarding they will become strong communicators able to connect with people more effectively
ldquoLow serotonin levels are a key component in many forms of aggression and violent behaviour Opiods are vital to diminish feelings of fear and stress so deactivation of opiods in parts of the brain leads to increases in negative feelings and stress and decreases in positive feelingsrdquo
mdash Margot Sunderland The Science of Parenting (2007)
Distress (chronic stress)
01 Halves neuron development
02 Reduces effectiveness of the dendrites
03 Reduces brain to lsquosurvivalrsquo mode rather than upper cognitive processing
04 Reduces blood supply to the brain
05 Stimulates emotional meltdowns
06 Impedes immune system
What happens to the body when it enters lsquoflight or fightrsquo state (Distress)
raquo Breathing becomes shallow
raquo The heart rate increases
raquo Blood pressure rises
raquo Adrenaline and cortisol hormones are released into the blood
raquo The senses are heightened
raquo The liver releases stored sugar into the blood
raquo Muscles tense and tighten
raquo Blood flow increases to the brain and major muscles and is constricted to the extremities
mdash Patrice Thomas Stress in Early Childhood (2006)
Calming our children ndash strategies Now that we have looked at many of the symptoms and causes of stress and anxiety I want to focus on ways to help calm our children and our homes classrooms and early years centres This first thing to bear in mind is
ldquoHappy Calm Children Learn Bestrdquo
mdash Daniel Goleman
This quote is so truehellip our children need to be happy and calm to learn at school and at home If they are stressed all their energy and enthusiasm will be diverted to dealing with that stress So letrsquos look at how to support them with this
Herersquos a summary of some of my resources to help your children with anxiety
ArticlesThe Importance of a Go-Slow Childhood 10 Tips to Ease Separation Distress The Invisible Enemy of Anxiety Childhood Stress
AudiosI have several audios to help with anxiety
SafeNSound and Sleepytime are for under 10s and are free from my website
My latest download for anxious children is called Soothing the Frightened Butterflies which costs $5 as a download This can really help build coping and calming strategies for anxious kids
Managing our own stress especially for busy mums is important and that may mean joining a class or group to try yoga tai chi meditation or mindfulness activities or sound relaxation mdash or you can do any of these things when you have some free time in your own home Try my free Moonlight Relaxation for Mums (and mother figures)
Soothing calming and relaxationThe opposite of stress and distress is calmness and feeling relaxed If a child clings to you she is trying to bring down a high body arousal level and high levels of stress chemicals She is trying to activate the positive brain chemicals that activate feelings of wellbeing Research shows that children who have been soothed quickly and frequently tend to become self-soothers and manage stress better (Sunderland 2007) Due to the neuroplasticity of the human brain calmness can be learned at any stage of life
Top tips for soothing Key ways to trigger oxytocin mdash the love neurotransmitter
01 Calm adults
02 Touch and massage mdash especially lsquotickle pointrsquo (high on back mdash stroke gently) Works with children of any age
03 Rocking
04 Sucking
05 Physical comforters mdash soft toys dummies blankets
06 Warmth approx 21 degrees C mdash (or cooling if child has a temperature)
07 Low soothing sounds familiar songs
08 Bathing in warm bath
09 Novelty mdash laughter
10 Avoid overstimulation especially loud voices noises too much chaos and too much change
My top three tips for parents to soothe our childrenrsquos worlds mdash The three lsquoSrsquos
01 Slow down mdash walk slower talk slower do less and allow an extra 15 minutes than you think you need to get children ready for a scheduled event like going to school Ask what you can take out of your life so that you can be a calmer parent especially in the early years mdash avoid wearing too many hats when your children are young
02 Soothe more mdash remember that brain chemicals flood our childrenrsquos brains quite irrationally and chaotically Reassure children that they are valued safe and that mistakes and accidents are normal
03 Create safety mdash is your home child friendly Can your children relax sometimes without being stressed to have your home looking like itrsquos a feature house in a House and Garden magazine Is there somewhere for introverted children to hide from people and the world to fill their energy cup
Parent tips for reducing stress in children
raquo Children benefit from calm quiet spaces in their world
raquo Avoid being rushed and hurried
raquo Use quiet voices with gentle tones
raquo Have regular quiet times in your home when all electronic stuff is turned off
raquo Allow children time just lsquoto bersquo and not always be busy
raquo Children sense their parentsrsquo stress and react to it mdash so reduce your stress
raquo Ensure children have good night sleep patterns
raquo Calmness can be learned mdash do a relaxation activity with them
raquo Avoid too much noise and visual stimulation in homes
raquo Avoid too much exposure to TVs computers smart phones and other electronic games and devices
raquo Create safe home environments with boundaries and routines
raquo Avoid too much significant change in childrenrsquos lives
raquo Avoid pressuring your children
raquo Soothing and reassuring children triggers oxytocin and calms children
mdash Maggie Dent Real Kids in an Unreal World (2nd edition 2016)
How to calm an overloaded nervous system in our homes centres amp classrooms
raquo Calm grown ups
raquo Routines and habits
raquo Silent sound signals
raquo Movement amp relaxation
raquo Calming music
raquo Mindfulness
raquo Low vocal tones
raquo Absorbed play
raquo Quiet corner bean bag
raquo Thinking time
raquo Regular quiet times
raquo Calming audio visualisations
raquo Laughter and lightness
raquo Plenty of nature time
Tips for soothing separation distress
Separation distress or anxiety is very common among children and Sunderland believes this distress can influence children even as old as eight
The changes of environment people routines and the number of other children they are interacting with can all cause spikes in cortisol creating those stress symptoms you might see mdash crying clinging tummy aches refusal to leave your side poor appetite restless sleep and even outbursts and tantrums
Remember this means the lsquodownstairs brainrsquo is registering threat mdash and is acting accordingly Remember too that the key stressor for children is separation from the most significant grownup who is their protector
As a starting point it is useful to explain to kids that new things places and people often make even adults feel those same feelings of being a little unsettled or anxious
Young children usually have strong imaginations and I have found that some small techniques that strengthen the connection to Mum or Dad while they are away from you can help lots
I have shared some of my strategies for dealing with separation anxiety in my article 10 Tips to Ease Separation Distress
Safe touchWhy is safe touch so important in caring relationships
Clinical studies at the American Academy of Paediatrics found that touch therapy helped premature newborn babies to gain weight It also improved asthmatic childrenrsquos breathing assisted in balancing glucose levels for diabetic children and lowered stress levels improving the immune system Researcher Tiffany Field PhD from the Touch Research Institute at the University of Miami believes that ldquotouch is as important to infants and children as eating and sleepingrdquo
Soothing touch triggers positive brain chemicals especially serotonin which quite literally soothes the nervous system of the whole child Other ways to soothe include rocking soothing calm sounds from a safe adult and listening to familiar songs or nursery rhymes
We do need to seriously reconsider the fear-driven perception we have around the safe touch of students A retired principal once told me that a lawyer had spoken to him about the legal perspective of being sued for inappropriate touching You can only be pursued legally if you have touched someone without their approval or consent This did not have to be verbal consent tacit approval was sufficient What this means is that when a child falls over or hurts his or herself and comes running with arms up for a hug we have their tacit approval Common-sense needs to prevail
What needs to happen in our homes and schools to ensure that our children know what safe touch entails is that we must educate our children around body safety and awareness No longer can we hope that a significant grown-up has given them some guidance In our highly sexualised world where explicit images and pornography can be found without even looking for them we must give our children the tools to be able to understand where touch is no longer safe for themselves or for others
How can we build more safe touch in our homes
01 If your young children find their way to your bed in the middle of the night because theyrsquore frightened welcome them immediately If you find it difficult to sleep with a squirming wriggling little one in your bed it is completely okay for one of the grown-ups to go and sleep in their bed (especially if your little one wonrsquot settle back into their bed) The important thing is to soothe the fear or the need to be close first One day you will miss the fact that they no longer turn up for a nightly snuggle
02 Be mindful of gentle touching your children more often ndash a gentle hand on the shoulder holding their hands ruffling their hair non-annoying tickling sitting really closely on the couch being really close when you read stories picking them up and holding them close in a hug secret handshakes and high fives all keep physical intimacy alive and well
03 Help your children to create a list of people they feel are safe to allow them to touch them respectfully We still need to be mindful that even the people in this safe circle need to be respectful of when children give their tacit approval to be held or touched My beautiful two-year-old granddaughter can be slow to warm when we first reconnect and I will always offer her a loving verbal greeting however with no pressure for her to respond equally She is just two and has a long way to go to understand the nuances of human interaction particularly communication Adolescents struggle in a similar way and again it is not a sign of disrespect ndash although it is often seen as that ndash or a sign that they donrsquot care for the people who are trying to communicate to them They also improve with continued growth of the prefrontal cortex
04 Each child will have a certain preference around safe touch Personal space is different for us all Some of our children particularly those with sensory processing disorder (SPD) or who are on the spectrum prefer not to be touched at all Some prefer very vigorous rugby style hugs others non-verbal gestures like a smile a wink or even a gentle nod of your head in their direction Some like to sit all over us ndash and often Some might like a gentle head massage or even a back tickle It can be really helpful when we follow their preferences and we are able to meet that hunger for safe touch
05 There is a special spot high up on the back below the neck (between the shoulders) that is particularly sensitive when touched in a gentle and slow way It has been called the tickle spot
It is a bit like an accelerator button that can trigger serotonin which is a calming brain chemical Sometimes in situations where we can see our children struggling gently stroking this spot can actually help them calm down and feel soothed I have used this spot often in the queue in shopping centres when my lads were starting to get restless
06 The calmer our children are the more receptive they will be to being touched in a loving way Sometimes when they are really stressed and could benefit from loving safe touch they reject it or push it away
07 It can be helpful having a conversation with those who are in your close parenting circle of family or friends about safe touch Tell those who you trust that you encourage safe touch I remember one of my sonrsquos best friends who was dealing with the sudden death of his dad telling my son that my hugs were all soft and squishy and they felt good Personally it took me a long time to be comfortable with other people touching me in a caring way and Irsquom a firm believer in the power of a good hug when itrsquos welcome
08 Sometimes being held with love by a trusted person can say more than any words
Dr Arthur Janov author of The Biology of Love (2000) argues that the absence of loving care early in life causes increased levels of stress for a person The result of this deprivation is high levels of cortisol that change the structure of the brain Brain scans taken of extremely violent young men show huge spaces in the pre-frontal lobe
It only takes one genuinely trustworthy person to use safe touch to reframe how a child sees the world and to reshape how their brains perceive safety and tenderness Our world needs more love kindness and gentleness right now and so let the conversation begin
Sibling conflict a normal part of family lifeldquoThere is no way around it Sibling rivalry is universal After all every human is genetically programmed to protect resources that will help him survive and your children depend on and compete for what are in fact precious resources mdash your time and attention
I found that parenting gets a lot easier when we as parents can do 3 very hard things
1 Regulate our emotions
2 Stay connected with our child even when wersquore setting limits or the child is upset
3 Coach instead of controlling by fostering emotional intelligence guiding with empathetic limits instead of punishment and supporting masteryrdquo
mdash Dr Laura Markham Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life (2015)
Sibling rivalry is indeed one of lifersquos great teachers Indeed it helps us learn how to get along with others It also helps put a bit more sensitivity into our feisty lsquoroosterrsquo children and a bit more lsquoroosterrsquo into our sensitive lambs when parenting children of different temperaments
I have written an article about sibling rivalry that offers more detail on where it comes from rivalry between roosters and lambs and how to manage it and how to turn aggression into awareness Read my article on sibling rivalry
How not to deal with sibling rivalryhellip
According to Dr Laura if we punish or are too permissive with our children around their fighting it only creates more fighting The reason for this is because if we are not demonstrating kindness and fairness to solve the issue our kids will model the same approach Your child will handle conflict the way you show them (Markham 2015)
Our children donrsquot learn to be empathetic compassionate human beings by being punished for sibling rivalry Instead they learn to do things simply to avoid punishment not to be intrinsically caring They donrsquot learn self-discipline (remember the Three Family Rules I wrote about earlier) they learn to use power over each other and it can make them fearful and more likely to be angry and depressed (Markham 2015)
Included in this notion of punishment are lsquotimeoutsrsquo Dr Laura and I are on the same page when it comes to thishellip timeouts can be another way of shaming our kids and disconnecting from the
When my four lads got into conflict I found a much better solution was to send them all outside together for five minutes for ldquoa change of sceneryrdquo Invariably after five minutes they wouldnrsquot bother coming back in because being outside had shifted their mood and they got caught up in a new game
So what does help
The key is to help siblings see the world through their siblingrsquos eyes ndash to show why something is not fair or may be unkind or just plain wrong
My suggestions
raquo Stay calm
raquo Ensure safety of all
raquo Make sense of what is happening
raquo Re-connect to family rules
raquo Avoid making quick judgements
raquo Allow calm down time while being nearby
raquo Connect with all parties in a warm way AFTERWARDS
OR Use a nudge
ldquoA nudge is essentially a means of encouraging or guiding behaviour but without mandating or instructing and ideally without the need for heavy financial incentives or sanctions Sometimes behaviour changes with a surprisingly light touchrdquo
mdash David Halpern Inside the Nudge Unit How small changes can make a big difference (2015)
Basically a nudge is a bit of gentle positive persuasion ndash hints suggestions helpful comments hellip
If you reduce friction a nudge can be a potent way of clearing the path to make it easy for people to do something that they probably already intended to do but had not got around to it
01 Unexpected small reward in private
02 A quiet thank you and a positive touch moment in private
03 Positive noticing
04 Mention good conflict solving at family meeting
05 Let kids hear you tell someone else how great they have been
06 Tell your kids they are smart and can work out ways to sort out conflict themselves
07 Change location when things get a bit lsquoouchyrsquo in a calm and warm way
08 Use lightness and novelty
09 Inspirational images around the house reminding everyone within that lsquolove lives herersquo and reflecting your familyrsquos values
Tips from Dr Laura01 Talk about feelings
02 Ask questions about feelings needs wants and choices
03 Explain and model ndash expect to repeat yourself
04 Practice finding win-win solutions
05 Model lsquoIrsquo statements ldquoI feel hellipBecause I wantneed hellip And I observed that hellip eg I feel worried because I want to get there on time and I see that you arenrsquot ready to leave yet so please put on your shoesrdquo
06 Model pro social behaviour
mdash Dr Laura Markham Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life (2015)
and alsoRead Dr Laurarsquos blog ldquoWhy punishment doesnrsquot teach your child accountabilityrdquo for more on punishment
Read her ldquoWhatrsquos Wrong With Timeoutsrdquo blog to find out why time outs are also not a great response to sibling conflicts
And her Siblings 101 blog has some fantastic tips for turning sibling rivalry around
You can find all of Dr Laura Markhamrsquos helpful blogs and her two Peaceful Parent books at wwwahaparentingcom
Your new role is as an interpreter mdash which is technically emotional coaching
And a few notes on some other dilemmas for anyone raising or working with childrenhellip
Telling liesEveryone tells lies
Some children are often frightened into telling lies
Explain the difference between black lies and white lies
Spend time honouring the truth
Read picture books about honesty ndash Franklin Fibs Aesoprsquos Fables Pig the Pug Fibber
I have done a video blog about when children tell lies so take a few minutes to watch that to hear my suggestions
Watch Telling Lies Blog
You might also be interested in this very interesting article talking about research that suggests children who are subjected to punitive methods of discipline are less likely to be honest
Tsunami of Technology ndash Keeping the Balance
The benefits of technology are a given However there are concerns and we need to be aware of those
Concerns to keep in mind
raquo Posture problems
raquo Learning the lsquoplay codersquo
raquo Impact on human communication amp intimacy
raquo Passivity
raquo Sleep issues
raquo Dopamine receptor changes
raquo Short sightedness
raquo Instant entertainment
raquo Language saturation
raquo Creativity
raquo Boredom
raquo Addictive usage
Recommendations
01 As little as possible under 5
02 Never allow screens in bedroom
03 Have excellent remote parental controls on all devices and PCsApples ndash I recommend you take a look at Family Zone
04 Make sure your children are only able to access Kids YouTube
05 Have clear boundaries especially at night
06 Keep in mind the use mdash educational vs entertainment
07 Best use is when there is interaction with others
08 Have a basket for all hand held screens including parentsrsquo around meal times or other together times
09 Check other parentsrsquo boundaries before allowing children to visit ndash be strong
10 Have techno free times for fun
I have a few articles and resources on screens at my common concerns page on screen time httpswwwmaggiedentcomcommon-concernsscreen-time
As a parent or adult caring for children be mindful of Digital Abandonment
Watch my video blog on Digital Abandonment in Modern Families
I am so impressed with the work being done on the digital dilemma for parents by Dr Kristy Goodwin Please take the time to check out her blog and her excellent book Raising Your Child in a Digital World httpdrkristygoodwincom
REFERENCES Dent M (2014) 9 Things A back-to-basics guide to calm common-sense connected parenting birth-8 Murwillumbah NSW Pennington Publications
Dent M (2016) Real Kids in an Unreal World Building resilience amp self-esteem in todayrsquos children Murwillumbah NSW Pennington Publications
Dent M (2003) Saving Our children from Our Chaotic World Teaching children the magic of silence and stillness Dunsborough WA Pennington Publications
Doidge N (2007) The Brain That Changes Itself Stories of personal triumph from the frontiers of brain science New York Viking
Fuller A (2007) Tricky kids Transforming conflict and freeing their potential Sydney Finch Publishing
Goleman D (1996) Emotional Intelligence Why it can matter more than IQ UK Bloomsbury Publishing
Goodwin K (2016) Raising Your Child in a Digital World Sydney Finch Publishing
Grille R (2008) Heart to Heart Parenting Nurturing your childrsquos emotional intelligence from conception to school age Sydney ABC Books
Grille R (2013) Parenting for a Peaceful World (second edition) Asheville NC Vox Cordis Press
Halpern D (2009) Inside the Nudge Unit How small changes can make a big difference UK WHAllen
Janov A (2000) The Biology of Love New York Prometheus Books
Jensen E (2006) Enriching the Brain San Francisco CA Jossey-Bass
Markham L (2015) Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life New York TarcherPerigree
Neufeld G amp Mateacute G (2005) Hold On to Your Kids Why parents need to matter more than peers New York Ballantine Books
Rando L (2010) Caring and Connected Parenting A guide to raising connected children from birth to 4 years CA USA The Spiritual Alliance to Stop Intimate Violence
Shanker S (2016) (with Teresa Barker) Self-Reg How to help your child (and you) break the stress cycle and successfully engage with life Penguin Press
Siegel D J MD amp Bryson T P PhD (2011) The Whole-Brain Child 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your childrsquos developing mind survive everyday parenting struggles and help your family thrive New York Delacorte Press
Sunderland M (2007) The Science of Parenting How todayrsquos brain research can help you raise happy emotionally balanced children New York DK Publishing
Thomas P (2006) Stress in Early Childhood Helping children and their carers ACT Australia Early Childhood Australia
amp some other good readsNaomi Aldort (2005) Raising Our Children Raising Ourselves
Marcy Axness (2012) Parenting for Peace Raising the next generation of peacemakers
All of Steve Biddulphrsquos books Raising Boys Raising Girls The New Manhood The Secret of Happy Childrenhellip
Breacutene Brown (2013) The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting Raising children with courage compassion amp connection Audio CD
Gary Chapman amp Ross Campbell (2012) The 5 Love Languages of Children
Shelley Davidow (2014) Raising Stress-Proof Kids Parenting todayrsquos children in tomorrowrsquos world
Carol Dweck (2012) Mindset The new psychology of success
Tim Gill (2007) No Fear Growing up in a risk averse society
Peter Gray (2013) Free to Learn Why unleashing the instinct to play will make our children happier more self-reliant and better students for life
Jo Jackson King (2010) Raising the Best Possible Child How to navigate parenting myths and bring up confident happy kids
Janet Lansbury (2014) Elevating Child Care A guide to respectful parenting AND No Bad Kids Toddler discipline without shame
Vanessa LaPointe (2015) Discipline Without Damage How to get your kids to behave without messing them up
Pam Leo (2007) Connection Parenting Parenting through connection instead of coercion through love instead of fear wwwConnectionParentingcom
Richard Louv (2005) Last Child in the Woods Saving our children from nature-deficit disorder
Laura Markham (2012) Peaceful Parent Happy Kids how to stop yelling and start connecting
Rachel Macy Stafford (2014) Hands Free Mama and her new book (2017) Only Love Today
Shefali Tsabary (2014) Out of Control Why disciplining your child doesnrsquot work and what will
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
Program
800am Doors open and registration
850am Welcome amp acknowledgement of country
900am-1030am Session 1 Seeing the world through your childrenrsquos eyes
1030am-1100am Morning tea
1100am-1230pm Session 2 Practical strategies for everyday dilemmas with children
1230pm-100pm Q amp A session
1pm Conference close
Seeing the World Through Our Childrenrsquos
Eyes
Practical Strategies for Everyday Dilemmas
with Children
amp
The Bountiful Brain ExploredldquoThe idea that the brain can change its own structure and function through thought and activity is the most important alteration in our view of the brain since we first sketched out its basic anatomy and the working of its basic component the neuronrdquo
mdash Norman Doidge The Brain that Changes Itself (2007)
Attachment is the lsquosuper gluersquo that holds a child in close proximity to a parentcaregiver A child is meant to pursue proximity which means being close to their big person so that they feel safe and are safe Attachment is as important to healthy child development as eating or sleeping Indeed in much of the most recent research strong attachment and bondedness can be shown to be the most significant influence on emotional wellbeing mental health and physical health for life
Safe baseEvery child needs at least one safe base The more the better
raquo Children are meant to pursue proximity
raquo Adults are meant to provide proximity
raquo The purpose of attachment is to keep the child safe and make the child feel safe
raquo Attachment is as important to healthy child development as eating or sleeping
raquo Attachment is the lsquosuper gluersquo that holds a child in close proximity to a parentcaregiver
It does seem almost ironic that a child learns independence by being completely dependent on their significant big person However that is how Mother Nature planned it to be As children grow older they still have a primary need to feel that they are loved and valued In a way it is like building bridges that show we are connected even when we have to teach our children right ways and boundaries
Building love bridges with our children
raquo Have welcoming and farewelling rituals
raquo Wink at children make funny faces give them high fives or thumbs up ndash non-verbal messages of connection
raquo Parents can give small symbols to hold onto in their absence like kisses in the childrsquos hands
raquo Create a unique bedtime ritualhellip ldquoI love you more thanhelliprdquo
raquo Send them rainbows when you are away
raquo Create an imaginary giant protectorguardian angel to watch over your child
raquo Have a picture of you with your child in a locket or plastic sleeve they can keep in their bag
raquo Record readable stories or messages on smart phones if yoursquore away
raquo Take small bites out of their toast or a bite out of their sandwich
raquo Leave notes or funny pictures in their lunch box or on the bathroom mirror
raquo Hide special messages around the house when you go away
raquo Spontaneously join them in drawing or colouring in
raquo Join them on the couch randomly to watch their favourite show
raquo Engage in spontaneous hugs cuddles and tickles
raquo Launch a lsquosurprise bedroom attackrsquo (for older children)
Margot Sunderland in her excellent book The Science of Parenting (2007) warns against allowing babies to get to a highly distressed state for more than a short time as all the brain chemicals flood their little brains and their primitive brain response is likened to being abandoned from the tribe and that death is imminent She warns that this type of distress if it happens often can wire a child to be hypersensitive to stress for the rest of their lives and increase the chances of
depression self-harm and addictive behaviours mdash so sensitive is the developing brain of our babies and toddlers They are unable to soothe themselves when they are distressed and need big people especially the big people who love them to help manage these big ugly feelings that frighten them Even the most loving and attentive parents can find crying babies day after day enormously taxing and exhausting especially when they are sleep-deprived themselves For parents without partners this is an especially challenging time The more support parents of new babies can get from either family or community the better
raquo Burping
raquo Swaddling
raquo Riding in car
raquo Singing talking
raquo Rocking swaying
raquo Increase warmth in the room
raquo Playing soft familiar music
raquo Making soothing sounds
raquo Rubbing patting stroking
raquo Rhythmic noise and vibration
raquo Walking with baby in your arms
raquo Body sack or carriage
raquo Gentle baby massage
raquo Warm baths
The best soothing options
mdash Source Licia Rando Caring and Connected Parenting (2010)
Avoiding meltdowns and warsRemember the ONLY 3 Rules that matter
In our home please try NOT to
01 Hurt yourself
02 Hurt others
03 Hurt things in the world around us
Sunderland (2007) lists six triggers for poor behaviour in children
01 Tiredness and hunger
02 An immature brain
03 Unmet psychological needs
04 Intense emotions
05 Parental stress
06 A parenting style that activates the alarm systems in a childrsquos lower brain
A note about older girls and the safe basehellipFor many parents as their daughters approach puberty (and for many girls this is happening quite young) and through their teen years they may notice that their behaviour can become volatile And yet outside the home they may receive reports that their daughter is an angel The thing is our girls need a safe place to vent their big ugly feelings and irrational thoughts and that safe base might just be you Irsquove written a blog about this for teen girls but it is just as relevant for younger girls
Read my article on Helping Girls with Volatile Emotions
A note about older boys and the safe basehellipFor many parents in particular mothers (but often dads too) as their sons approach puberty we can sometimes struggle to understand how the changes they are going through affect their behaviour As a result there is often a mismatch between what a boy does and what we think he has done Irsquove written a blog about this particularly for mums of boys but again the content will be relevant to dads and people who work with boys
Read my article on The One Question Mums of Sons Should Ask
When children are hard work
Babies toddlers and young children have an under-developed prefrontal cortex ndash and adults have mostly a finished executive functioning brain ndash they need us to help them when things get tough
Firstly can we see our children as struggling rather than being lsquobadrsquo or lsquonaughtyrsquo
1 Firstly consider mdash from the childrsquos perspective mdash is there an unmet need
A child may be
raquo wet raquo tired raquo thirsty raquo hungry raquo bored raquo confused
raquo feeling sick or in pain raquo angry or frustrated raquo feeling powerless or weak raquo feeling unsafe or threatened raquo feeling unloved disconnected and invisible raquo feeling that no one cares
2 How can I help meet that need
You might say to your child raquo ldquoWill a hug helprdquo raquo ldquoHere is a drink of water Does that helprdquo raquo ldquoDo you feel sick Let me feel your headrdquo raquo ldquoLetrsquos go outside for a whilerdquo raquo ldquoCan I help you with somethingrdquo raquo ldquoTell me what you need right nowrdquo
Thenhellip Maybe offer a safe base ndash to enable a calming of their amygdala ndash allow some lsquocalm downrsquo time
raquo Kneel nearby and offer a calm kind presence raquo Go sit in a favourite spot ndash comfy chair or couch and hug their favourite soft toy ie to mimic
soothing raquo Take three deep breaths or three big sighs raquo Quietly start singing a favourite nursery rhyme or bedtime ritual song raquo Lay down on the floor nearby and be still and quiet raquo Spray some Bush Flower Essences or Emergency Essence around the room raquo Put on some nature soundscalming music raquo Send them rainbows of love
The Parental PauseChallenging behaviour from children is hard enough Of course when you add serious sleep deprivation lack of caffeine swirling hormones ndash especially for mums ndash and possibly hunger and an unbelievable sense of exhaustion it can be difficult to access your own freaking pre frontal cortex Sometimes you actually ponder as to whether yours has been stolen or maybe you left it somewhere accidentally
Let me reassure you ndash it has not been stolen and you have not left it somewhere You are not a bad person or a useless parent if you feel angry You simply need to master the art of the Parental Pause
What is the Parental Pause
This magical technique is beyond simple and will help you at times of high tension to be the person you wished you could be without hiding in your bedroom and eating a family block of fruit and nut chocolate (technically a form of health food surely)
It works like this
01 You stop moving You ground your feet
02 Gently bend your knees
03 Place your right hand on your heart
04 Take a deep breath Maybe another two deep breaths
05 Then you slowly stand close by or kneel near your child
Be present
Be still
Observe calmly the world through your childrsquos eyes
Inwardly to yourself ndash repeat these words silently ndash
ldquoMy child is not bad or naughty ndash they are just struggling to cope with their world Let me be what they need right now ndash a safe baserdquo
Thatrsquos it
Imagine that you are at a school assembly for one of your older children when your two-year-old says ldquoI want a drink of waterrdquo Maybe you might calmly respond by saying ldquoBabe I canrsquot get you a drink of water right now However I will as soon as this finishesrdquo The two-year-old starts whining and says much louder ldquoI want some water now Mummyrdquo Again you try to placate her by saying ldquoWersquoll just have to wait til this finishesrdquo and the two-year-old starts to lose the plot Sound familiar
John Medina writes in his excellent book Brain Rules (2014 wwwbrainrulesnet) of the work of behaviourist John Gottman According to Gottman one of the best ways to manage a potential meltdown situation ndash especially with a young child who has poor executive function in her upstairs brain ndash is to acknowledge the childrsquos feelings and empathise
So if that two-year-old who is having a meltdown at the school assembly had heard the following words she might have felt heard ldquoBabe you are thirsty and I reckon a big drink of nice cold water would make you feel so much better I wish I had a drink in my bag so that I could give it to you right now and you could drink as much as you likedrdquo
According to Gottman such an empathetic response which helps identify the emotions that are present acts like pouring water onto a flame as it diffuses intense emotional moments Technically this is called lsquocoaching of emotionsrsquo however it can also be called taming the emotions This has to be one of the best secrets that Irsquove found and I have tried it on other peoplersquos children to find it works every time It ticks all the boxes of meaningful adult interaction
in that it is respectful and it is teaching and guiding a childrsquos awareness As the child is heard and validated it seems to soothe the cortisol levels in the childrsquos brain quite quickly So the next time your child pesters you for a biscuit and it is just before dinner try validating that for them ldquoI know you want a biscuit now sweetheart because I know you like biscuits and you are going to feel frustrated and a little angry when I donrsquot get you one because itrsquos just before dinner We can have a biscuit tomorrow when it isnrsquot time for dinnerrdquo
Anxiety amp self-regulationSymptoms of anxiety
raquo Complaints of stomach aches or headaches raquo Sleep problems or difficulty concentrating raquo Behavioural changes such as moodiness a short temper or clinginess raquo Development of a nervous habit such as nail biting raquo Refusal to go to school or getting into trouble at school raquo Avoidance behaviours raquo Arousal heart rate breathing shaky and dizzy raquo Fatigue and exhaustion
Frequently Missed Symptoms of Anxiety
raquo Angry outbursts
raquo Oppositional and refusal behaviours
raquo Temper tantrums
raquo Aggression
raquo Attention seeking behaviours
raquo Hyperactivity and difficulty sitting still
raquo Concentration problems
raquo Scholastic underachievement or excessive resistance to doing work
raquo Frequent visits to school nurse
raquo High number of missed school days
raquo Difficulties with social or peer group
mdash Source Dr Lyn Miller address to The Development of Childrenrsquos Mental Health How Do We Become Who We Are Conference Canada 2012
Sometimes what is seen as misbehaviour is more a stress behaviour Or a sign your child is not coping with their world In the excellent new book on self-regulation Self-Reg How to help your child (and you) break the stress cycle and successfully engage with life by Dr Stuart Shanker with Teresa Barker (2016) we learn much to help us understand stress behaviour
Shanker Self-Regtrade is explained in the following way
bull Self-Reg starts by reframing a childrsquos behaviour and for that matter our own It means seeing the meaning of the childrsquos behaviour maybe for the first time
bull Self-Reg will show you where to stand how to bring your childrsquos behaviour into focus respond to your childrsquos needs and help your child help himself
bull Self-Reg starts with how well we can identify and reduce our own stressors and how we can stay calm and attentive when we interact with a child
mdash Source Stuart Shanker Self-Reg (2016)
The brain and self-regulation
Babies only have a lsquoprimitive brainrsquo and somewhere in the growth over the first years of life they grow the next level of the brain the limbic brain You often hear this referred to as the emotional centre of the brain and basically this system lies underneath our more rational pre-frontal cortex Some of the limbic systemrsquos major structures include the
raquo Amygdala
raquo Hippocampus
raquo Hypothalamus
raquo Striatum
The limbic system is the where our strong emotions and urges come from Think of the meltdowns and temper tantrums over the wrong coloured cup the sandwich cut the wrong way and the apple peeled instead of not
In his book Enriching the Brain (2006) Eric Jensen writes that memories are anchored much more deeply when there are strong emotions present The limbic system plays a part here too That is why powerful scary memories anchor so deeply in the brain alongside those memories that were accompanied by exquisite joy (If you want some ideas about this read my Making Memories That Matter article)
ldquo Love desire fear shame anger and trauma all share a neurological home baserdquo mdash Shanker (2016)
Now we often hear about how stress and especially prolonged distress triggers us to come from our lsquoprimitive brainrsquo ndash so we go into fight flight or freeze mode And this can inhibit our ability to respond from our pre-frontal cortex (which isnrsquot fully formed until wersquore adults) This aspect of our brain which is commonly referred to as our lsquohigherrsquo brain or lsquoexecutive functioningrsquo brain plays a role in managing our emotions planning making decisions deliberating over consequences and guiding our social behaviour and the like
Shanker (2016) writes about how very influential the limbic system in particular the hypothalamus is in regulating everything from our body temperature hunger and thirst heart rate and breathing through to ldquoaspects of hearing speaking mind reading other peoplersquos social and emotional cues parenting and attachment behavioursrdquo
Basically he explains ldquoAll of these different functions are tied to the brainrsquos most primitive response to anything from relatively minor stressors to fullon threats ndash or at least what our limbic system lsquodecidesrsquo is a threat When we can calm that response we begin to bring all of the other self-regulatory processes into syncrdquo
He also refers to new discoveries being made all the time into how being in flightflight mode can switch off certain brain functions including for example how stress impacts on childrenrsquos middle ear muscles and affects their capacity to process speech and hear low-frequency sounds (Shanker 2016)
I am pretty sure that in a moment of conflict a parent would seldom be using low frequency sounds No wonder they canrsquot hear us
I have a video blog on Why boysrsquo behaviour is their language but really this notion applies to all children and as parents and educators we need to be like detectives in looking for clues to determine when a child is stressed and needs support to calm their stress levels
Similar to the symptoms listed above for anxiety stressed children can present in many ways irritable unfocused explosive clingy aggressive quick to anger oppositional overly teary hard to get moving overly sensitivehellip all of these are signs your child may be experiencing a high level of stress
No matter what the triggers for this stress are ndash these children who are often seen as naughty or badly behaved are quite simply not coping with their world The children who are under more stress have less capacity to manage Excess stress drains their energy and then if they meet more challenge that triggers more stress everything can collide together like a perfect storm
I believe that the lsquoschoolificationrsquo of young children is a major contributor to the increase in stress anxiety and a lot of inappropriate behaviour wersquore seeing as many children are struggling to cope
Main sources of stress and anxiety in children raquo Hurried over-scheduled world
raquo Temperaments and personality
raquo Absence of healthy love and attachment
raquo Too much pressure on children to perform
raquo Stressed parents who rush
raquo Not enough calm still quiet solo time
raquo Poor sleep patterns
raquo Too much stimulation from TV toys and adult commands
raquo Not enough consistency and routines
raquo Too much social change or social dislocation
raquo Shaming language
raquo Threats of abuse and violence
raquo Death and loss experiences
An overactive stress response system originating in childhood underlies many mental disorders later in life
raquo Depression
raquo Persistent states of anxiety
raquo Phobias and obsessions
raquo Physical symptoms and illness
raquo Being cut off emotionally
raquo Lethargy and lack of get up and go
raquo Lack of desire and excitement
raquo Lack of spontaneity
Much of the punishment that children receive for poor behaviour can be seen as adding fuel to a smouldering fire Think blaming shaming shouting and hitting ndash these punitive measures are still lingering from the harsh parenting and education practices of the last century especially before the 1970s
If punishment is too harsh a child can simply shut down ndash a serious level of stress survival that can sometimes look like compliance It is actually a sign that the child is highly distressed and can be damaging to your ongoing relationship
The damaging effects of shaming
Shame is the name we give to the overwhelming feeling that we need to crawl under a rock because we see ourselves as unworthy unpleasant unlikeable or reprehensible and because we expect to be judged or rejected accordingly
ldquoShame is like a knife that sharply delineates the limits of love in every culture the warning signal that something we are doing risks us being ostracisedrdquo
mdash Robin Grille Heart to Heart Parenting (2008)
Examples of shaming
raquo Deliberately ignoring a child
raquo Being sarcastic
raquo Walking away as though a child does not exist
raquo Rolling onersquos eyes
raquo Glaring at a child with disgust
raquo Shouting yelling and swearing at a child
We also shame when we say things such as
raquo ldquoYou ought to be ashamed of yourselfrdquo
raquo ldquoYou naughty boyrdquo
raquo ldquoYou are acting like a selfish bratrdquo
raquo ldquoYoursquove been a bad little girlrdquo
raquo ldquoGrow uprdquo
raquo ldquoStop acting like a babyrdquo
raquo ldquoDonrsquot be a sissyrdquo
raquo Girls donrsquot do that sort of thingrdquo
raquo ldquoYoursquore hopelessrdquo
raquo ldquoYoursquore not even tryingrdquo
raquo ldquoWhy canrsquot you be more like your brotherrdquo
raquo What are people going to think
The dynamics of energyUnderpinning this work in self-regulation is the notion that rather than shaming and controlling our children for reacting to stress we can help them learn to self-regulate We do this by supporting them to recognise whatrsquos going on in their bodies and how they can make themselves feel better A lot of this has to do with them (and us) monitoring their energy levels and what might be affecting them
This actually happens from birth Shanker (2016) writes of the ldquointer-brainrdquo which is ldquoa right brain-to-right brain communication channel between the parents and the baby delivered through touch sounds looks and even smellsrdquo
ldquoWe are designed to draw energy from one another and restore energy through one anotherhellip The better we can understand what might be draining a childrsquos energy reserves the better we can tailor our interactions and the choices we make to reduce that strainrdquo
mdash Stuart Shanker Self-Reg (2016)
Further Shanker says most stressors can be broken down to belonging in one of ldquoThe Five Domains of Stress and Self-Regulationrdquo biological emotional cognitive social and pro-social
Each of these domains has various stressors belonging to them and the better we understand those the better we can help to reduce them For example Shanker lists a pro-social stressor as ldquohaving to deal with other peoplersquos strong emotionsrdquo while a biological stressor might be tiredness or a noisy environment We can then look for signs that our child is potentially experiencing one of these stressors (Shanker 2016)
As parents carers and educators by having a greater understanding of these domains ndash stressors can come from more than one at a time ndash we can identify when children are experiencing issues in the various domains and adjust things to reduce the stress
More on self-regulationhellipThrough his work with The Mehrit Centre Dr Stuart Shanker has provided a wealth of excellent free resources on his website for teachers and parents and I would encourage everyone to not only read his new book Self-Reg but to spend some time browsing the site reading about these methods in more detail and using some of the tools provided at home or in your centreclassroom httpsself-regcaself-reg
In particular you may find these infographics helpful
Understanding Stress Behaviour for Parents Understanding Stress Behaviour for Teachers The Five Steps to Self-Regulation (The Shanker Methodtrade)
Becoming a CSI Detective We have to remember that in all interactions with our children maintaining a warm relationship needs to be first priority
Patterns habits routines and structure make the world more predictable and less startling for children I write about why healthy boundaries matter in my 10 resilience building blocks for an important reason
The better a baby and young children can recognise predictable patterns the less frightening and more engaging the world becomes Babies constantly look and listen for patterns all around them With pattern recognition comes the ability to know what yoursquore feeling and to act in an intentional way in your environment ndash it helps all of us anticipate what will happen next without becoming frightened about the uncertainty of the world
Chaos and rigidity are the two most confronting things that can impact our little onersquos lives Having routines and consistency makes the world safer for them and so they are not wasting vital energy figuring out if they are safe or not Always having to focus on survival denies children the capacity to interact in a curious way with the world Children quickly flip to survival brain because their pre frontal cortex is too immature and they will struggle when they donrsquot
understand what they are experiencing or why people are behaving the way they are or when this is too much for them Confusion and uncertainty are the opposite of having patterns and routines
The stronger a child is attached to key caregivers and the more attuned these caregivers are the better the child will navigate the uncertainties they will meet ndash moment by moment This means they will have more energy to explore and seek new things Yes it does take hours and hours of connected interaction to build these predictable pathways ndash this is called scaffolding and is essential to all learning Scaffolding is respectful to our young children because it values the input of the child first rather than something we do with a child
Acknowledging kids positively raquo Smile at them
raquo Wink at them
raquo Say hello using their name
raquo Say ldquoIrsquom glad to see yourdquo
raquo Suggest ldquoLetrsquos go play togetherrdquo
raquo Ask them to show you how to do a puzzle
raquo Give them a pat on the head back
raquo Hug them if appropriate
raquo Ask about their favourite toy
raquo Play a hand or clapping game with them
raquo Hold their hand
raquo Say things like
bull ldquoThank you for helping me clean up the toysrdquo
bull ldquoI noticed you washing your hands after going to the toiletrdquo
bull ldquoI know how hard it is to be patient when you play with othersrdquo
bull ldquoI noticed you using your quiet voice mdash well donerdquo
raquo Sing songs with them especially their favourite ones
raquo Cuddle up and watch ABC Kids with them
raquo Pretend to be an animal
raquo Call them up and say hello
raquo Make them laugh
Communicating compassionately with our children
Communication seems such a simple thing to do however poor communication is one of the key factors underlying conflict in our families We simply misunderstand each other
Being heard
Here are some phrases you might use that let your child know you are really hearing him or her
raquo ldquoLet me put this down so I can give you my full attentionrdquo
raquo ldquoWait a second while I turn off the TVradiocomputer so I can really hear yourdquo
raquo ldquoLetrsquos have some time together nowrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat would you like to do when we have our time together tomorrow afternoonrdquo
raquo ldquoSo what you mean isrdquo
raquo ldquoTell me more about thisrdquo
raquo ldquoIn other wordsrdquo
raquo ldquoLet me see if I understand you so farrdquo
raquo ldquoThat must have beenfor yourdquo
raquo ldquoAre you open to some feedback from merdquo
raquo ldquoNow thatrsquos interestingrdquo
raquo ldquoDoes that feel fair to yourdquo
raquo ldquoTell me what you were hoping to dordquo
raquo ldquoHow can we make this betterrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat do you think needs to happen nowrdquo
raquo ldquoSounds like youwe have a problemrdquo
raquo ldquoWhose problem is thisrdquo
raquo ldquoDoes that feel kind to yourdquo
raquo ldquoThere is a problem here How can I help you to sort it outrdquo
raquo ldquoCheck it out inside Does it feel rightrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat were you trying to do hererdquo
raquo ldquoDo you need my help right now to sort out what is happeningrdquo
raquo ldquoI know you can handle itrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat would you like to do nowrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat would a good friend do nowrdquo
raquo ldquoI noticed thatrdquo
raquo ldquoHaving a go is important mdash we canrsquot all win
Some secrets of positive parental communication
raquo Distraction
raquo Respectful caring requests
raquo Saying ldquoYes mdash Afterrdquo
raquo ldquoItrsquos just the right thing to dordquo
raquo Really listening
raquo Calm down time
Four steps to nurturing the inner genius in your child
1 Pause and become present
2 Ask ldquoDid you do that all by yourselfrdquo
3 Explain why the choice is one you would prefer they didnrsquot make again
4 Have them clean up the mess
Creating a family solution-seeking processldquo90 of childhood misbehaviour is the result of the developmental journeyrdquo
ndash Dr Gordon Neufeld Hold On to Your Kids (2005)
Essentially this means that childrenrsquos behaviour when it does not meet our expectations is not so much wrong or bad it is mainly children being children with a childrsquos mind and depth of experience If a childrsquos behaviour is inconvenient to us as an adult it too is not bad or wrong it is merely a normal part of the developmental journey of growing from child to adult Next time yoursquore frustrated and angry about your childrsquos behaviour pause take a deep breath and see if you can view that behaviour through the eyes of a child
One more thing is consider what we say to ourselves in our mind I so often hear the term lsquoattention seekingrsquo when talking about inappropriate behaviour in children If we could reframe that to ndash lsquolove seeking or connection seekingrsquo our response will be different
Family meetings are a wonderful way to resolve issues affirm values and rules and to connect Read my article on 10 Top Tips for a Successful Family Meeting
More on childrenrsquos anxietyRobin Grille in his book Heart to Heart Parenting (2008) outlines some of the things that are going on in a babyrsquos consciousness that I think are very helpful for is to keep in mind
raquo Babies feel everything far more intensely than do adults
raquo Babies cannot lie put on an act or pretend like older children What you see is what you get mdash complete emotional honesty
raquo Babies cannot plan or think ahead mdash all they do is to react
raquo Babies are incapable of influencing or manipulating anyone
raquo Babies do not understand time
raquo Babies have very little ability to soothe themselves
raquo Babies have no strong defences against pain or sorrow as they do not yet have the fight or flight response
raquo If babies learn that reaching out is rewarding they will become strong communicators able to connect with people more effectively
ldquoLow serotonin levels are a key component in many forms of aggression and violent behaviour Opiods are vital to diminish feelings of fear and stress so deactivation of opiods in parts of the brain leads to increases in negative feelings and stress and decreases in positive feelingsrdquo
mdash Margot Sunderland The Science of Parenting (2007)
Distress (chronic stress)
01 Halves neuron development
02 Reduces effectiveness of the dendrites
03 Reduces brain to lsquosurvivalrsquo mode rather than upper cognitive processing
04 Reduces blood supply to the brain
05 Stimulates emotional meltdowns
06 Impedes immune system
What happens to the body when it enters lsquoflight or fightrsquo state (Distress)
raquo Breathing becomes shallow
raquo The heart rate increases
raquo Blood pressure rises
raquo Adrenaline and cortisol hormones are released into the blood
raquo The senses are heightened
raquo The liver releases stored sugar into the blood
raquo Muscles tense and tighten
raquo Blood flow increases to the brain and major muscles and is constricted to the extremities
mdash Patrice Thomas Stress in Early Childhood (2006)
Calming our children ndash strategies Now that we have looked at many of the symptoms and causes of stress and anxiety I want to focus on ways to help calm our children and our homes classrooms and early years centres This first thing to bear in mind is
ldquoHappy Calm Children Learn Bestrdquo
mdash Daniel Goleman
This quote is so truehellip our children need to be happy and calm to learn at school and at home If they are stressed all their energy and enthusiasm will be diverted to dealing with that stress So letrsquos look at how to support them with this
Herersquos a summary of some of my resources to help your children with anxiety
ArticlesThe Importance of a Go-Slow Childhood 10 Tips to Ease Separation Distress The Invisible Enemy of Anxiety Childhood Stress
AudiosI have several audios to help with anxiety
SafeNSound and Sleepytime are for under 10s and are free from my website
My latest download for anxious children is called Soothing the Frightened Butterflies which costs $5 as a download This can really help build coping and calming strategies for anxious kids
Managing our own stress especially for busy mums is important and that may mean joining a class or group to try yoga tai chi meditation or mindfulness activities or sound relaxation mdash or you can do any of these things when you have some free time in your own home Try my free Moonlight Relaxation for Mums (and mother figures)
Soothing calming and relaxationThe opposite of stress and distress is calmness and feeling relaxed If a child clings to you she is trying to bring down a high body arousal level and high levels of stress chemicals She is trying to activate the positive brain chemicals that activate feelings of wellbeing Research shows that children who have been soothed quickly and frequently tend to become self-soothers and manage stress better (Sunderland 2007) Due to the neuroplasticity of the human brain calmness can be learned at any stage of life
Top tips for soothing Key ways to trigger oxytocin mdash the love neurotransmitter
01 Calm adults
02 Touch and massage mdash especially lsquotickle pointrsquo (high on back mdash stroke gently) Works with children of any age
03 Rocking
04 Sucking
05 Physical comforters mdash soft toys dummies blankets
06 Warmth approx 21 degrees C mdash (or cooling if child has a temperature)
07 Low soothing sounds familiar songs
08 Bathing in warm bath
09 Novelty mdash laughter
10 Avoid overstimulation especially loud voices noises too much chaos and too much change
My top three tips for parents to soothe our childrenrsquos worlds mdash The three lsquoSrsquos
01 Slow down mdash walk slower talk slower do less and allow an extra 15 minutes than you think you need to get children ready for a scheduled event like going to school Ask what you can take out of your life so that you can be a calmer parent especially in the early years mdash avoid wearing too many hats when your children are young
02 Soothe more mdash remember that brain chemicals flood our childrenrsquos brains quite irrationally and chaotically Reassure children that they are valued safe and that mistakes and accidents are normal
03 Create safety mdash is your home child friendly Can your children relax sometimes without being stressed to have your home looking like itrsquos a feature house in a House and Garden magazine Is there somewhere for introverted children to hide from people and the world to fill their energy cup
Parent tips for reducing stress in children
raquo Children benefit from calm quiet spaces in their world
raquo Avoid being rushed and hurried
raquo Use quiet voices with gentle tones
raquo Have regular quiet times in your home when all electronic stuff is turned off
raquo Allow children time just lsquoto bersquo and not always be busy
raquo Children sense their parentsrsquo stress and react to it mdash so reduce your stress
raquo Ensure children have good night sleep patterns
raquo Calmness can be learned mdash do a relaxation activity with them
raquo Avoid too much noise and visual stimulation in homes
raquo Avoid too much exposure to TVs computers smart phones and other electronic games and devices
raquo Create safe home environments with boundaries and routines
raquo Avoid too much significant change in childrenrsquos lives
raquo Avoid pressuring your children
raquo Soothing and reassuring children triggers oxytocin and calms children
mdash Maggie Dent Real Kids in an Unreal World (2nd edition 2016)
How to calm an overloaded nervous system in our homes centres amp classrooms
raquo Calm grown ups
raquo Routines and habits
raquo Silent sound signals
raquo Movement amp relaxation
raquo Calming music
raquo Mindfulness
raquo Low vocal tones
raquo Absorbed play
raquo Quiet corner bean bag
raquo Thinking time
raquo Regular quiet times
raquo Calming audio visualisations
raquo Laughter and lightness
raquo Plenty of nature time
Tips for soothing separation distress
Separation distress or anxiety is very common among children and Sunderland believes this distress can influence children even as old as eight
The changes of environment people routines and the number of other children they are interacting with can all cause spikes in cortisol creating those stress symptoms you might see mdash crying clinging tummy aches refusal to leave your side poor appetite restless sleep and even outbursts and tantrums
Remember this means the lsquodownstairs brainrsquo is registering threat mdash and is acting accordingly Remember too that the key stressor for children is separation from the most significant grownup who is their protector
As a starting point it is useful to explain to kids that new things places and people often make even adults feel those same feelings of being a little unsettled or anxious
Young children usually have strong imaginations and I have found that some small techniques that strengthen the connection to Mum or Dad while they are away from you can help lots
I have shared some of my strategies for dealing with separation anxiety in my article 10 Tips to Ease Separation Distress
Safe touchWhy is safe touch so important in caring relationships
Clinical studies at the American Academy of Paediatrics found that touch therapy helped premature newborn babies to gain weight It also improved asthmatic childrenrsquos breathing assisted in balancing glucose levels for diabetic children and lowered stress levels improving the immune system Researcher Tiffany Field PhD from the Touch Research Institute at the University of Miami believes that ldquotouch is as important to infants and children as eating and sleepingrdquo
Soothing touch triggers positive brain chemicals especially serotonin which quite literally soothes the nervous system of the whole child Other ways to soothe include rocking soothing calm sounds from a safe adult and listening to familiar songs or nursery rhymes
We do need to seriously reconsider the fear-driven perception we have around the safe touch of students A retired principal once told me that a lawyer had spoken to him about the legal perspective of being sued for inappropriate touching You can only be pursued legally if you have touched someone without their approval or consent This did not have to be verbal consent tacit approval was sufficient What this means is that when a child falls over or hurts his or herself and comes running with arms up for a hug we have their tacit approval Common-sense needs to prevail
What needs to happen in our homes and schools to ensure that our children know what safe touch entails is that we must educate our children around body safety and awareness No longer can we hope that a significant grown-up has given them some guidance In our highly sexualised world where explicit images and pornography can be found without even looking for them we must give our children the tools to be able to understand where touch is no longer safe for themselves or for others
How can we build more safe touch in our homes
01 If your young children find their way to your bed in the middle of the night because theyrsquore frightened welcome them immediately If you find it difficult to sleep with a squirming wriggling little one in your bed it is completely okay for one of the grown-ups to go and sleep in their bed (especially if your little one wonrsquot settle back into their bed) The important thing is to soothe the fear or the need to be close first One day you will miss the fact that they no longer turn up for a nightly snuggle
02 Be mindful of gentle touching your children more often ndash a gentle hand on the shoulder holding their hands ruffling their hair non-annoying tickling sitting really closely on the couch being really close when you read stories picking them up and holding them close in a hug secret handshakes and high fives all keep physical intimacy alive and well
03 Help your children to create a list of people they feel are safe to allow them to touch them respectfully We still need to be mindful that even the people in this safe circle need to be respectful of when children give their tacit approval to be held or touched My beautiful two-year-old granddaughter can be slow to warm when we first reconnect and I will always offer her a loving verbal greeting however with no pressure for her to respond equally She is just two and has a long way to go to understand the nuances of human interaction particularly communication Adolescents struggle in a similar way and again it is not a sign of disrespect ndash although it is often seen as that ndash or a sign that they donrsquot care for the people who are trying to communicate to them They also improve with continued growth of the prefrontal cortex
04 Each child will have a certain preference around safe touch Personal space is different for us all Some of our children particularly those with sensory processing disorder (SPD) or who are on the spectrum prefer not to be touched at all Some prefer very vigorous rugby style hugs others non-verbal gestures like a smile a wink or even a gentle nod of your head in their direction Some like to sit all over us ndash and often Some might like a gentle head massage or even a back tickle It can be really helpful when we follow their preferences and we are able to meet that hunger for safe touch
05 There is a special spot high up on the back below the neck (between the shoulders) that is particularly sensitive when touched in a gentle and slow way It has been called the tickle spot
It is a bit like an accelerator button that can trigger serotonin which is a calming brain chemical Sometimes in situations where we can see our children struggling gently stroking this spot can actually help them calm down and feel soothed I have used this spot often in the queue in shopping centres when my lads were starting to get restless
06 The calmer our children are the more receptive they will be to being touched in a loving way Sometimes when they are really stressed and could benefit from loving safe touch they reject it or push it away
07 It can be helpful having a conversation with those who are in your close parenting circle of family or friends about safe touch Tell those who you trust that you encourage safe touch I remember one of my sonrsquos best friends who was dealing with the sudden death of his dad telling my son that my hugs were all soft and squishy and they felt good Personally it took me a long time to be comfortable with other people touching me in a caring way and Irsquom a firm believer in the power of a good hug when itrsquos welcome
08 Sometimes being held with love by a trusted person can say more than any words
Dr Arthur Janov author of The Biology of Love (2000) argues that the absence of loving care early in life causes increased levels of stress for a person The result of this deprivation is high levels of cortisol that change the structure of the brain Brain scans taken of extremely violent young men show huge spaces in the pre-frontal lobe
It only takes one genuinely trustworthy person to use safe touch to reframe how a child sees the world and to reshape how their brains perceive safety and tenderness Our world needs more love kindness and gentleness right now and so let the conversation begin
Sibling conflict a normal part of family lifeldquoThere is no way around it Sibling rivalry is universal After all every human is genetically programmed to protect resources that will help him survive and your children depend on and compete for what are in fact precious resources mdash your time and attention
I found that parenting gets a lot easier when we as parents can do 3 very hard things
1 Regulate our emotions
2 Stay connected with our child even when wersquore setting limits or the child is upset
3 Coach instead of controlling by fostering emotional intelligence guiding with empathetic limits instead of punishment and supporting masteryrdquo
mdash Dr Laura Markham Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life (2015)
Sibling rivalry is indeed one of lifersquos great teachers Indeed it helps us learn how to get along with others It also helps put a bit more sensitivity into our feisty lsquoroosterrsquo children and a bit more lsquoroosterrsquo into our sensitive lambs when parenting children of different temperaments
I have written an article about sibling rivalry that offers more detail on where it comes from rivalry between roosters and lambs and how to manage it and how to turn aggression into awareness Read my article on sibling rivalry
How not to deal with sibling rivalryhellip
According to Dr Laura if we punish or are too permissive with our children around their fighting it only creates more fighting The reason for this is because if we are not demonstrating kindness and fairness to solve the issue our kids will model the same approach Your child will handle conflict the way you show them (Markham 2015)
Our children donrsquot learn to be empathetic compassionate human beings by being punished for sibling rivalry Instead they learn to do things simply to avoid punishment not to be intrinsically caring They donrsquot learn self-discipline (remember the Three Family Rules I wrote about earlier) they learn to use power over each other and it can make them fearful and more likely to be angry and depressed (Markham 2015)
Included in this notion of punishment are lsquotimeoutsrsquo Dr Laura and I are on the same page when it comes to thishellip timeouts can be another way of shaming our kids and disconnecting from the
When my four lads got into conflict I found a much better solution was to send them all outside together for five minutes for ldquoa change of sceneryrdquo Invariably after five minutes they wouldnrsquot bother coming back in because being outside had shifted their mood and they got caught up in a new game
So what does help
The key is to help siblings see the world through their siblingrsquos eyes ndash to show why something is not fair or may be unkind or just plain wrong
My suggestions
raquo Stay calm
raquo Ensure safety of all
raquo Make sense of what is happening
raquo Re-connect to family rules
raquo Avoid making quick judgements
raquo Allow calm down time while being nearby
raquo Connect with all parties in a warm way AFTERWARDS
OR Use a nudge
ldquoA nudge is essentially a means of encouraging or guiding behaviour but without mandating or instructing and ideally without the need for heavy financial incentives or sanctions Sometimes behaviour changes with a surprisingly light touchrdquo
mdash David Halpern Inside the Nudge Unit How small changes can make a big difference (2015)
Basically a nudge is a bit of gentle positive persuasion ndash hints suggestions helpful comments hellip
If you reduce friction a nudge can be a potent way of clearing the path to make it easy for people to do something that they probably already intended to do but had not got around to it
01 Unexpected small reward in private
02 A quiet thank you and a positive touch moment in private
03 Positive noticing
04 Mention good conflict solving at family meeting
05 Let kids hear you tell someone else how great they have been
06 Tell your kids they are smart and can work out ways to sort out conflict themselves
07 Change location when things get a bit lsquoouchyrsquo in a calm and warm way
08 Use lightness and novelty
09 Inspirational images around the house reminding everyone within that lsquolove lives herersquo and reflecting your familyrsquos values
Tips from Dr Laura01 Talk about feelings
02 Ask questions about feelings needs wants and choices
03 Explain and model ndash expect to repeat yourself
04 Practice finding win-win solutions
05 Model lsquoIrsquo statements ldquoI feel hellipBecause I wantneed hellip And I observed that hellip eg I feel worried because I want to get there on time and I see that you arenrsquot ready to leave yet so please put on your shoesrdquo
06 Model pro social behaviour
mdash Dr Laura Markham Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life (2015)
and alsoRead Dr Laurarsquos blog ldquoWhy punishment doesnrsquot teach your child accountabilityrdquo for more on punishment
Read her ldquoWhatrsquos Wrong With Timeoutsrdquo blog to find out why time outs are also not a great response to sibling conflicts
And her Siblings 101 blog has some fantastic tips for turning sibling rivalry around
You can find all of Dr Laura Markhamrsquos helpful blogs and her two Peaceful Parent books at wwwahaparentingcom
Your new role is as an interpreter mdash which is technically emotional coaching
And a few notes on some other dilemmas for anyone raising or working with childrenhellip
Telling liesEveryone tells lies
Some children are often frightened into telling lies
Explain the difference between black lies and white lies
Spend time honouring the truth
Read picture books about honesty ndash Franklin Fibs Aesoprsquos Fables Pig the Pug Fibber
I have done a video blog about when children tell lies so take a few minutes to watch that to hear my suggestions
Watch Telling Lies Blog
You might also be interested in this very interesting article talking about research that suggests children who are subjected to punitive methods of discipline are less likely to be honest
Tsunami of Technology ndash Keeping the Balance
The benefits of technology are a given However there are concerns and we need to be aware of those
Concerns to keep in mind
raquo Posture problems
raquo Learning the lsquoplay codersquo
raquo Impact on human communication amp intimacy
raquo Passivity
raquo Sleep issues
raquo Dopamine receptor changes
raquo Short sightedness
raquo Instant entertainment
raquo Language saturation
raquo Creativity
raquo Boredom
raquo Addictive usage
Recommendations
01 As little as possible under 5
02 Never allow screens in bedroom
03 Have excellent remote parental controls on all devices and PCsApples ndash I recommend you take a look at Family Zone
04 Make sure your children are only able to access Kids YouTube
05 Have clear boundaries especially at night
06 Keep in mind the use mdash educational vs entertainment
07 Best use is when there is interaction with others
08 Have a basket for all hand held screens including parentsrsquo around meal times or other together times
09 Check other parentsrsquo boundaries before allowing children to visit ndash be strong
10 Have techno free times for fun
I have a few articles and resources on screens at my common concerns page on screen time httpswwwmaggiedentcomcommon-concernsscreen-time
As a parent or adult caring for children be mindful of Digital Abandonment
Watch my video blog on Digital Abandonment in Modern Families
I am so impressed with the work being done on the digital dilemma for parents by Dr Kristy Goodwin Please take the time to check out her blog and her excellent book Raising Your Child in a Digital World httpdrkristygoodwincom
REFERENCES Dent M (2014) 9 Things A back-to-basics guide to calm common-sense connected parenting birth-8 Murwillumbah NSW Pennington Publications
Dent M (2016) Real Kids in an Unreal World Building resilience amp self-esteem in todayrsquos children Murwillumbah NSW Pennington Publications
Dent M (2003) Saving Our children from Our Chaotic World Teaching children the magic of silence and stillness Dunsborough WA Pennington Publications
Doidge N (2007) The Brain That Changes Itself Stories of personal triumph from the frontiers of brain science New York Viking
Fuller A (2007) Tricky kids Transforming conflict and freeing their potential Sydney Finch Publishing
Goleman D (1996) Emotional Intelligence Why it can matter more than IQ UK Bloomsbury Publishing
Goodwin K (2016) Raising Your Child in a Digital World Sydney Finch Publishing
Grille R (2008) Heart to Heart Parenting Nurturing your childrsquos emotional intelligence from conception to school age Sydney ABC Books
Grille R (2013) Parenting for a Peaceful World (second edition) Asheville NC Vox Cordis Press
Halpern D (2009) Inside the Nudge Unit How small changes can make a big difference UK WHAllen
Janov A (2000) The Biology of Love New York Prometheus Books
Jensen E (2006) Enriching the Brain San Francisco CA Jossey-Bass
Markham L (2015) Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life New York TarcherPerigree
Neufeld G amp Mateacute G (2005) Hold On to Your Kids Why parents need to matter more than peers New York Ballantine Books
Rando L (2010) Caring and Connected Parenting A guide to raising connected children from birth to 4 years CA USA The Spiritual Alliance to Stop Intimate Violence
Shanker S (2016) (with Teresa Barker) Self-Reg How to help your child (and you) break the stress cycle and successfully engage with life Penguin Press
Siegel D J MD amp Bryson T P PhD (2011) The Whole-Brain Child 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your childrsquos developing mind survive everyday parenting struggles and help your family thrive New York Delacorte Press
Sunderland M (2007) The Science of Parenting How todayrsquos brain research can help you raise happy emotionally balanced children New York DK Publishing
Thomas P (2006) Stress in Early Childhood Helping children and their carers ACT Australia Early Childhood Australia
amp some other good readsNaomi Aldort (2005) Raising Our Children Raising Ourselves
Marcy Axness (2012) Parenting for Peace Raising the next generation of peacemakers
All of Steve Biddulphrsquos books Raising Boys Raising Girls The New Manhood The Secret of Happy Childrenhellip
Breacutene Brown (2013) The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting Raising children with courage compassion amp connection Audio CD
Gary Chapman amp Ross Campbell (2012) The 5 Love Languages of Children
Shelley Davidow (2014) Raising Stress-Proof Kids Parenting todayrsquos children in tomorrowrsquos world
Carol Dweck (2012) Mindset The new psychology of success
Tim Gill (2007) No Fear Growing up in a risk averse society
Peter Gray (2013) Free to Learn Why unleashing the instinct to play will make our children happier more self-reliant and better students for life
Jo Jackson King (2010) Raising the Best Possible Child How to navigate parenting myths and bring up confident happy kids
Janet Lansbury (2014) Elevating Child Care A guide to respectful parenting AND No Bad Kids Toddler discipline without shame
Vanessa LaPointe (2015) Discipline Without Damage How to get your kids to behave without messing them up
Pam Leo (2007) Connection Parenting Parenting through connection instead of coercion through love instead of fear wwwConnectionParentingcom
Richard Louv (2005) Last Child in the Woods Saving our children from nature-deficit disorder
Laura Markham (2012) Peaceful Parent Happy Kids how to stop yelling and start connecting
Rachel Macy Stafford (2014) Hands Free Mama and her new book (2017) Only Love Today
Shefali Tsabary (2014) Out of Control Why disciplining your child doesnrsquot work and what will
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
Seeing the World Through Our Childrenrsquos
Eyes
Practical Strategies for Everyday Dilemmas
with Children
amp
The Bountiful Brain ExploredldquoThe idea that the brain can change its own structure and function through thought and activity is the most important alteration in our view of the brain since we first sketched out its basic anatomy and the working of its basic component the neuronrdquo
mdash Norman Doidge The Brain that Changes Itself (2007)
Attachment is the lsquosuper gluersquo that holds a child in close proximity to a parentcaregiver A child is meant to pursue proximity which means being close to their big person so that they feel safe and are safe Attachment is as important to healthy child development as eating or sleeping Indeed in much of the most recent research strong attachment and bondedness can be shown to be the most significant influence on emotional wellbeing mental health and physical health for life
Safe baseEvery child needs at least one safe base The more the better
raquo Children are meant to pursue proximity
raquo Adults are meant to provide proximity
raquo The purpose of attachment is to keep the child safe and make the child feel safe
raquo Attachment is as important to healthy child development as eating or sleeping
raquo Attachment is the lsquosuper gluersquo that holds a child in close proximity to a parentcaregiver
It does seem almost ironic that a child learns independence by being completely dependent on their significant big person However that is how Mother Nature planned it to be As children grow older they still have a primary need to feel that they are loved and valued In a way it is like building bridges that show we are connected even when we have to teach our children right ways and boundaries
Building love bridges with our children
raquo Have welcoming and farewelling rituals
raquo Wink at children make funny faces give them high fives or thumbs up ndash non-verbal messages of connection
raquo Parents can give small symbols to hold onto in their absence like kisses in the childrsquos hands
raquo Create a unique bedtime ritualhellip ldquoI love you more thanhelliprdquo
raquo Send them rainbows when you are away
raquo Create an imaginary giant protectorguardian angel to watch over your child
raquo Have a picture of you with your child in a locket or plastic sleeve they can keep in their bag
raquo Record readable stories or messages on smart phones if yoursquore away
raquo Take small bites out of their toast or a bite out of their sandwich
raquo Leave notes or funny pictures in their lunch box or on the bathroom mirror
raquo Hide special messages around the house when you go away
raquo Spontaneously join them in drawing or colouring in
raquo Join them on the couch randomly to watch their favourite show
raquo Engage in spontaneous hugs cuddles and tickles
raquo Launch a lsquosurprise bedroom attackrsquo (for older children)
Margot Sunderland in her excellent book The Science of Parenting (2007) warns against allowing babies to get to a highly distressed state for more than a short time as all the brain chemicals flood their little brains and their primitive brain response is likened to being abandoned from the tribe and that death is imminent She warns that this type of distress if it happens often can wire a child to be hypersensitive to stress for the rest of their lives and increase the chances of
depression self-harm and addictive behaviours mdash so sensitive is the developing brain of our babies and toddlers They are unable to soothe themselves when they are distressed and need big people especially the big people who love them to help manage these big ugly feelings that frighten them Even the most loving and attentive parents can find crying babies day after day enormously taxing and exhausting especially when they are sleep-deprived themselves For parents without partners this is an especially challenging time The more support parents of new babies can get from either family or community the better
raquo Burping
raquo Swaddling
raquo Riding in car
raquo Singing talking
raquo Rocking swaying
raquo Increase warmth in the room
raquo Playing soft familiar music
raquo Making soothing sounds
raquo Rubbing patting stroking
raquo Rhythmic noise and vibration
raquo Walking with baby in your arms
raquo Body sack or carriage
raquo Gentle baby massage
raquo Warm baths
The best soothing options
mdash Source Licia Rando Caring and Connected Parenting (2010)
Avoiding meltdowns and warsRemember the ONLY 3 Rules that matter
In our home please try NOT to
01 Hurt yourself
02 Hurt others
03 Hurt things in the world around us
Sunderland (2007) lists six triggers for poor behaviour in children
01 Tiredness and hunger
02 An immature brain
03 Unmet psychological needs
04 Intense emotions
05 Parental stress
06 A parenting style that activates the alarm systems in a childrsquos lower brain
A note about older girls and the safe basehellipFor many parents as their daughters approach puberty (and for many girls this is happening quite young) and through their teen years they may notice that their behaviour can become volatile And yet outside the home they may receive reports that their daughter is an angel The thing is our girls need a safe place to vent their big ugly feelings and irrational thoughts and that safe base might just be you Irsquove written a blog about this for teen girls but it is just as relevant for younger girls
Read my article on Helping Girls with Volatile Emotions
A note about older boys and the safe basehellipFor many parents in particular mothers (but often dads too) as their sons approach puberty we can sometimes struggle to understand how the changes they are going through affect their behaviour As a result there is often a mismatch between what a boy does and what we think he has done Irsquove written a blog about this particularly for mums of boys but again the content will be relevant to dads and people who work with boys
Read my article on The One Question Mums of Sons Should Ask
When children are hard work
Babies toddlers and young children have an under-developed prefrontal cortex ndash and adults have mostly a finished executive functioning brain ndash they need us to help them when things get tough
Firstly can we see our children as struggling rather than being lsquobadrsquo or lsquonaughtyrsquo
1 Firstly consider mdash from the childrsquos perspective mdash is there an unmet need
A child may be
raquo wet raquo tired raquo thirsty raquo hungry raquo bored raquo confused
raquo feeling sick or in pain raquo angry or frustrated raquo feeling powerless or weak raquo feeling unsafe or threatened raquo feeling unloved disconnected and invisible raquo feeling that no one cares
2 How can I help meet that need
You might say to your child raquo ldquoWill a hug helprdquo raquo ldquoHere is a drink of water Does that helprdquo raquo ldquoDo you feel sick Let me feel your headrdquo raquo ldquoLetrsquos go outside for a whilerdquo raquo ldquoCan I help you with somethingrdquo raquo ldquoTell me what you need right nowrdquo
Thenhellip Maybe offer a safe base ndash to enable a calming of their amygdala ndash allow some lsquocalm downrsquo time
raquo Kneel nearby and offer a calm kind presence raquo Go sit in a favourite spot ndash comfy chair or couch and hug their favourite soft toy ie to mimic
soothing raquo Take three deep breaths or three big sighs raquo Quietly start singing a favourite nursery rhyme or bedtime ritual song raquo Lay down on the floor nearby and be still and quiet raquo Spray some Bush Flower Essences or Emergency Essence around the room raquo Put on some nature soundscalming music raquo Send them rainbows of love
The Parental PauseChallenging behaviour from children is hard enough Of course when you add serious sleep deprivation lack of caffeine swirling hormones ndash especially for mums ndash and possibly hunger and an unbelievable sense of exhaustion it can be difficult to access your own freaking pre frontal cortex Sometimes you actually ponder as to whether yours has been stolen or maybe you left it somewhere accidentally
Let me reassure you ndash it has not been stolen and you have not left it somewhere You are not a bad person or a useless parent if you feel angry You simply need to master the art of the Parental Pause
What is the Parental Pause
This magical technique is beyond simple and will help you at times of high tension to be the person you wished you could be without hiding in your bedroom and eating a family block of fruit and nut chocolate (technically a form of health food surely)
It works like this
01 You stop moving You ground your feet
02 Gently bend your knees
03 Place your right hand on your heart
04 Take a deep breath Maybe another two deep breaths
05 Then you slowly stand close by or kneel near your child
Be present
Be still
Observe calmly the world through your childrsquos eyes
Inwardly to yourself ndash repeat these words silently ndash
ldquoMy child is not bad or naughty ndash they are just struggling to cope with their world Let me be what they need right now ndash a safe baserdquo
Thatrsquos it
Imagine that you are at a school assembly for one of your older children when your two-year-old says ldquoI want a drink of waterrdquo Maybe you might calmly respond by saying ldquoBabe I canrsquot get you a drink of water right now However I will as soon as this finishesrdquo The two-year-old starts whining and says much louder ldquoI want some water now Mummyrdquo Again you try to placate her by saying ldquoWersquoll just have to wait til this finishesrdquo and the two-year-old starts to lose the plot Sound familiar
John Medina writes in his excellent book Brain Rules (2014 wwwbrainrulesnet) of the work of behaviourist John Gottman According to Gottman one of the best ways to manage a potential meltdown situation ndash especially with a young child who has poor executive function in her upstairs brain ndash is to acknowledge the childrsquos feelings and empathise
So if that two-year-old who is having a meltdown at the school assembly had heard the following words she might have felt heard ldquoBabe you are thirsty and I reckon a big drink of nice cold water would make you feel so much better I wish I had a drink in my bag so that I could give it to you right now and you could drink as much as you likedrdquo
According to Gottman such an empathetic response which helps identify the emotions that are present acts like pouring water onto a flame as it diffuses intense emotional moments Technically this is called lsquocoaching of emotionsrsquo however it can also be called taming the emotions This has to be one of the best secrets that Irsquove found and I have tried it on other peoplersquos children to find it works every time It ticks all the boxes of meaningful adult interaction
in that it is respectful and it is teaching and guiding a childrsquos awareness As the child is heard and validated it seems to soothe the cortisol levels in the childrsquos brain quite quickly So the next time your child pesters you for a biscuit and it is just before dinner try validating that for them ldquoI know you want a biscuit now sweetheart because I know you like biscuits and you are going to feel frustrated and a little angry when I donrsquot get you one because itrsquos just before dinner We can have a biscuit tomorrow when it isnrsquot time for dinnerrdquo
Anxiety amp self-regulationSymptoms of anxiety
raquo Complaints of stomach aches or headaches raquo Sleep problems or difficulty concentrating raquo Behavioural changes such as moodiness a short temper or clinginess raquo Development of a nervous habit such as nail biting raquo Refusal to go to school or getting into trouble at school raquo Avoidance behaviours raquo Arousal heart rate breathing shaky and dizzy raquo Fatigue and exhaustion
Frequently Missed Symptoms of Anxiety
raquo Angry outbursts
raquo Oppositional and refusal behaviours
raquo Temper tantrums
raquo Aggression
raquo Attention seeking behaviours
raquo Hyperactivity and difficulty sitting still
raquo Concentration problems
raquo Scholastic underachievement or excessive resistance to doing work
raquo Frequent visits to school nurse
raquo High number of missed school days
raquo Difficulties with social or peer group
mdash Source Dr Lyn Miller address to The Development of Childrenrsquos Mental Health How Do We Become Who We Are Conference Canada 2012
Sometimes what is seen as misbehaviour is more a stress behaviour Or a sign your child is not coping with their world In the excellent new book on self-regulation Self-Reg How to help your child (and you) break the stress cycle and successfully engage with life by Dr Stuart Shanker with Teresa Barker (2016) we learn much to help us understand stress behaviour
Shanker Self-Regtrade is explained in the following way
bull Self-Reg starts by reframing a childrsquos behaviour and for that matter our own It means seeing the meaning of the childrsquos behaviour maybe for the first time
bull Self-Reg will show you where to stand how to bring your childrsquos behaviour into focus respond to your childrsquos needs and help your child help himself
bull Self-Reg starts with how well we can identify and reduce our own stressors and how we can stay calm and attentive when we interact with a child
mdash Source Stuart Shanker Self-Reg (2016)
The brain and self-regulation
Babies only have a lsquoprimitive brainrsquo and somewhere in the growth over the first years of life they grow the next level of the brain the limbic brain You often hear this referred to as the emotional centre of the brain and basically this system lies underneath our more rational pre-frontal cortex Some of the limbic systemrsquos major structures include the
raquo Amygdala
raquo Hippocampus
raquo Hypothalamus
raquo Striatum
The limbic system is the where our strong emotions and urges come from Think of the meltdowns and temper tantrums over the wrong coloured cup the sandwich cut the wrong way and the apple peeled instead of not
In his book Enriching the Brain (2006) Eric Jensen writes that memories are anchored much more deeply when there are strong emotions present The limbic system plays a part here too That is why powerful scary memories anchor so deeply in the brain alongside those memories that were accompanied by exquisite joy (If you want some ideas about this read my Making Memories That Matter article)
ldquo Love desire fear shame anger and trauma all share a neurological home baserdquo mdash Shanker (2016)
Now we often hear about how stress and especially prolonged distress triggers us to come from our lsquoprimitive brainrsquo ndash so we go into fight flight or freeze mode And this can inhibit our ability to respond from our pre-frontal cortex (which isnrsquot fully formed until wersquore adults) This aspect of our brain which is commonly referred to as our lsquohigherrsquo brain or lsquoexecutive functioningrsquo brain plays a role in managing our emotions planning making decisions deliberating over consequences and guiding our social behaviour and the like
Shanker (2016) writes about how very influential the limbic system in particular the hypothalamus is in regulating everything from our body temperature hunger and thirst heart rate and breathing through to ldquoaspects of hearing speaking mind reading other peoplersquos social and emotional cues parenting and attachment behavioursrdquo
Basically he explains ldquoAll of these different functions are tied to the brainrsquos most primitive response to anything from relatively minor stressors to fullon threats ndash or at least what our limbic system lsquodecidesrsquo is a threat When we can calm that response we begin to bring all of the other self-regulatory processes into syncrdquo
He also refers to new discoveries being made all the time into how being in flightflight mode can switch off certain brain functions including for example how stress impacts on childrenrsquos middle ear muscles and affects their capacity to process speech and hear low-frequency sounds (Shanker 2016)
I am pretty sure that in a moment of conflict a parent would seldom be using low frequency sounds No wonder they canrsquot hear us
I have a video blog on Why boysrsquo behaviour is their language but really this notion applies to all children and as parents and educators we need to be like detectives in looking for clues to determine when a child is stressed and needs support to calm their stress levels
Similar to the symptoms listed above for anxiety stressed children can present in many ways irritable unfocused explosive clingy aggressive quick to anger oppositional overly teary hard to get moving overly sensitivehellip all of these are signs your child may be experiencing a high level of stress
No matter what the triggers for this stress are ndash these children who are often seen as naughty or badly behaved are quite simply not coping with their world The children who are under more stress have less capacity to manage Excess stress drains their energy and then if they meet more challenge that triggers more stress everything can collide together like a perfect storm
I believe that the lsquoschoolificationrsquo of young children is a major contributor to the increase in stress anxiety and a lot of inappropriate behaviour wersquore seeing as many children are struggling to cope
Main sources of stress and anxiety in children raquo Hurried over-scheduled world
raquo Temperaments and personality
raquo Absence of healthy love and attachment
raquo Too much pressure on children to perform
raquo Stressed parents who rush
raquo Not enough calm still quiet solo time
raquo Poor sleep patterns
raquo Too much stimulation from TV toys and adult commands
raquo Not enough consistency and routines
raquo Too much social change or social dislocation
raquo Shaming language
raquo Threats of abuse and violence
raquo Death and loss experiences
An overactive stress response system originating in childhood underlies many mental disorders later in life
raquo Depression
raquo Persistent states of anxiety
raquo Phobias and obsessions
raquo Physical symptoms and illness
raquo Being cut off emotionally
raquo Lethargy and lack of get up and go
raquo Lack of desire and excitement
raquo Lack of spontaneity
Much of the punishment that children receive for poor behaviour can be seen as adding fuel to a smouldering fire Think blaming shaming shouting and hitting ndash these punitive measures are still lingering from the harsh parenting and education practices of the last century especially before the 1970s
If punishment is too harsh a child can simply shut down ndash a serious level of stress survival that can sometimes look like compliance It is actually a sign that the child is highly distressed and can be damaging to your ongoing relationship
The damaging effects of shaming
Shame is the name we give to the overwhelming feeling that we need to crawl under a rock because we see ourselves as unworthy unpleasant unlikeable or reprehensible and because we expect to be judged or rejected accordingly
ldquoShame is like a knife that sharply delineates the limits of love in every culture the warning signal that something we are doing risks us being ostracisedrdquo
mdash Robin Grille Heart to Heart Parenting (2008)
Examples of shaming
raquo Deliberately ignoring a child
raquo Being sarcastic
raquo Walking away as though a child does not exist
raquo Rolling onersquos eyes
raquo Glaring at a child with disgust
raquo Shouting yelling and swearing at a child
We also shame when we say things such as
raquo ldquoYou ought to be ashamed of yourselfrdquo
raquo ldquoYou naughty boyrdquo
raquo ldquoYou are acting like a selfish bratrdquo
raquo ldquoYoursquove been a bad little girlrdquo
raquo ldquoGrow uprdquo
raquo ldquoStop acting like a babyrdquo
raquo ldquoDonrsquot be a sissyrdquo
raquo Girls donrsquot do that sort of thingrdquo
raquo ldquoYoursquore hopelessrdquo
raquo ldquoYoursquore not even tryingrdquo
raquo ldquoWhy canrsquot you be more like your brotherrdquo
raquo What are people going to think
The dynamics of energyUnderpinning this work in self-regulation is the notion that rather than shaming and controlling our children for reacting to stress we can help them learn to self-regulate We do this by supporting them to recognise whatrsquos going on in their bodies and how they can make themselves feel better A lot of this has to do with them (and us) monitoring their energy levels and what might be affecting them
This actually happens from birth Shanker (2016) writes of the ldquointer-brainrdquo which is ldquoa right brain-to-right brain communication channel between the parents and the baby delivered through touch sounds looks and even smellsrdquo
ldquoWe are designed to draw energy from one another and restore energy through one anotherhellip The better we can understand what might be draining a childrsquos energy reserves the better we can tailor our interactions and the choices we make to reduce that strainrdquo
mdash Stuart Shanker Self-Reg (2016)
Further Shanker says most stressors can be broken down to belonging in one of ldquoThe Five Domains of Stress and Self-Regulationrdquo biological emotional cognitive social and pro-social
Each of these domains has various stressors belonging to them and the better we understand those the better we can help to reduce them For example Shanker lists a pro-social stressor as ldquohaving to deal with other peoplersquos strong emotionsrdquo while a biological stressor might be tiredness or a noisy environment We can then look for signs that our child is potentially experiencing one of these stressors (Shanker 2016)
As parents carers and educators by having a greater understanding of these domains ndash stressors can come from more than one at a time ndash we can identify when children are experiencing issues in the various domains and adjust things to reduce the stress
More on self-regulationhellipThrough his work with The Mehrit Centre Dr Stuart Shanker has provided a wealth of excellent free resources on his website for teachers and parents and I would encourage everyone to not only read his new book Self-Reg but to spend some time browsing the site reading about these methods in more detail and using some of the tools provided at home or in your centreclassroom httpsself-regcaself-reg
In particular you may find these infographics helpful
Understanding Stress Behaviour for Parents Understanding Stress Behaviour for Teachers The Five Steps to Self-Regulation (The Shanker Methodtrade)
Becoming a CSI Detective We have to remember that in all interactions with our children maintaining a warm relationship needs to be first priority
Patterns habits routines and structure make the world more predictable and less startling for children I write about why healthy boundaries matter in my 10 resilience building blocks for an important reason
The better a baby and young children can recognise predictable patterns the less frightening and more engaging the world becomes Babies constantly look and listen for patterns all around them With pattern recognition comes the ability to know what yoursquore feeling and to act in an intentional way in your environment ndash it helps all of us anticipate what will happen next without becoming frightened about the uncertainty of the world
Chaos and rigidity are the two most confronting things that can impact our little onersquos lives Having routines and consistency makes the world safer for them and so they are not wasting vital energy figuring out if they are safe or not Always having to focus on survival denies children the capacity to interact in a curious way with the world Children quickly flip to survival brain because their pre frontal cortex is too immature and they will struggle when they donrsquot
understand what they are experiencing or why people are behaving the way they are or when this is too much for them Confusion and uncertainty are the opposite of having patterns and routines
The stronger a child is attached to key caregivers and the more attuned these caregivers are the better the child will navigate the uncertainties they will meet ndash moment by moment This means they will have more energy to explore and seek new things Yes it does take hours and hours of connected interaction to build these predictable pathways ndash this is called scaffolding and is essential to all learning Scaffolding is respectful to our young children because it values the input of the child first rather than something we do with a child
Acknowledging kids positively raquo Smile at them
raquo Wink at them
raquo Say hello using their name
raquo Say ldquoIrsquom glad to see yourdquo
raquo Suggest ldquoLetrsquos go play togetherrdquo
raquo Ask them to show you how to do a puzzle
raquo Give them a pat on the head back
raquo Hug them if appropriate
raquo Ask about their favourite toy
raquo Play a hand or clapping game with them
raquo Hold their hand
raquo Say things like
bull ldquoThank you for helping me clean up the toysrdquo
bull ldquoI noticed you washing your hands after going to the toiletrdquo
bull ldquoI know how hard it is to be patient when you play with othersrdquo
bull ldquoI noticed you using your quiet voice mdash well donerdquo
raquo Sing songs with them especially their favourite ones
raquo Cuddle up and watch ABC Kids with them
raquo Pretend to be an animal
raquo Call them up and say hello
raquo Make them laugh
Communicating compassionately with our children
Communication seems such a simple thing to do however poor communication is one of the key factors underlying conflict in our families We simply misunderstand each other
Being heard
Here are some phrases you might use that let your child know you are really hearing him or her
raquo ldquoLet me put this down so I can give you my full attentionrdquo
raquo ldquoWait a second while I turn off the TVradiocomputer so I can really hear yourdquo
raquo ldquoLetrsquos have some time together nowrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat would you like to do when we have our time together tomorrow afternoonrdquo
raquo ldquoSo what you mean isrdquo
raquo ldquoTell me more about thisrdquo
raquo ldquoIn other wordsrdquo
raquo ldquoLet me see if I understand you so farrdquo
raquo ldquoThat must have beenfor yourdquo
raquo ldquoAre you open to some feedback from merdquo
raquo ldquoNow thatrsquos interestingrdquo
raquo ldquoDoes that feel fair to yourdquo
raquo ldquoTell me what you were hoping to dordquo
raquo ldquoHow can we make this betterrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat do you think needs to happen nowrdquo
raquo ldquoSounds like youwe have a problemrdquo
raquo ldquoWhose problem is thisrdquo
raquo ldquoDoes that feel kind to yourdquo
raquo ldquoThere is a problem here How can I help you to sort it outrdquo
raquo ldquoCheck it out inside Does it feel rightrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat were you trying to do hererdquo
raquo ldquoDo you need my help right now to sort out what is happeningrdquo
raquo ldquoI know you can handle itrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat would you like to do nowrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat would a good friend do nowrdquo
raquo ldquoI noticed thatrdquo
raquo ldquoHaving a go is important mdash we canrsquot all win
Some secrets of positive parental communication
raquo Distraction
raquo Respectful caring requests
raquo Saying ldquoYes mdash Afterrdquo
raquo ldquoItrsquos just the right thing to dordquo
raquo Really listening
raquo Calm down time
Four steps to nurturing the inner genius in your child
1 Pause and become present
2 Ask ldquoDid you do that all by yourselfrdquo
3 Explain why the choice is one you would prefer they didnrsquot make again
4 Have them clean up the mess
Creating a family solution-seeking processldquo90 of childhood misbehaviour is the result of the developmental journeyrdquo
ndash Dr Gordon Neufeld Hold On to Your Kids (2005)
Essentially this means that childrenrsquos behaviour when it does not meet our expectations is not so much wrong or bad it is mainly children being children with a childrsquos mind and depth of experience If a childrsquos behaviour is inconvenient to us as an adult it too is not bad or wrong it is merely a normal part of the developmental journey of growing from child to adult Next time yoursquore frustrated and angry about your childrsquos behaviour pause take a deep breath and see if you can view that behaviour through the eyes of a child
One more thing is consider what we say to ourselves in our mind I so often hear the term lsquoattention seekingrsquo when talking about inappropriate behaviour in children If we could reframe that to ndash lsquolove seeking or connection seekingrsquo our response will be different
Family meetings are a wonderful way to resolve issues affirm values and rules and to connect Read my article on 10 Top Tips for a Successful Family Meeting
More on childrenrsquos anxietyRobin Grille in his book Heart to Heart Parenting (2008) outlines some of the things that are going on in a babyrsquos consciousness that I think are very helpful for is to keep in mind
raquo Babies feel everything far more intensely than do adults
raquo Babies cannot lie put on an act or pretend like older children What you see is what you get mdash complete emotional honesty
raquo Babies cannot plan or think ahead mdash all they do is to react
raquo Babies are incapable of influencing or manipulating anyone
raquo Babies do not understand time
raquo Babies have very little ability to soothe themselves
raquo Babies have no strong defences against pain or sorrow as they do not yet have the fight or flight response
raquo If babies learn that reaching out is rewarding they will become strong communicators able to connect with people more effectively
ldquoLow serotonin levels are a key component in many forms of aggression and violent behaviour Opiods are vital to diminish feelings of fear and stress so deactivation of opiods in parts of the brain leads to increases in negative feelings and stress and decreases in positive feelingsrdquo
mdash Margot Sunderland The Science of Parenting (2007)
Distress (chronic stress)
01 Halves neuron development
02 Reduces effectiveness of the dendrites
03 Reduces brain to lsquosurvivalrsquo mode rather than upper cognitive processing
04 Reduces blood supply to the brain
05 Stimulates emotional meltdowns
06 Impedes immune system
What happens to the body when it enters lsquoflight or fightrsquo state (Distress)
raquo Breathing becomes shallow
raquo The heart rate increases
raquo Blood pressure rises
raquo Adrenaline and cortisol hormones are released into the blood
raquo The senses are heightened
raquo The liver releases stored sugar into the blood
raquo Muscles tense and tighten
raquo Blood flow increases to the brain and major muscles and is constricted to the extremities
mdash Patrice Thomas Stress in Early Childhood (2006)
Calming our children ndash strategies Now that we have looked at many of the symptoms and causes of stress and anxiety I want to focus on ways to help calm our children and our homes classrooms and early years centres This first thing to bear in mind is
ldquoHappy Calm Children Learn Bestrdquo
mdash Daniel Goleman
This quote is so truehellip our children need to be happy and calm to learn at school and at home If they are stressed all their energy and enthusiasm will be diverted to dealing with that stress So letrsquos look at how to support them with this
Herersquos a summary of some of my resources to help your children with anxiety
ArticlesThe Importance of a Go-Slow Childhood 10 Tips to Ease Separation Distress The Invisible Enemy of Anxiety Childhood Stress
AudiosI have several audios to help with anxiety
SafeNSound and Sleepytime are for under 10s and are free from my website
My latest download for anxious children is called Soothing the Frightened Butterflies which costs $5 as a download This can really help build coping and calming strategies for anxious kids
Managing our own stress especially for busy mums is important and that may mean joining a class or group to try yoga tai chi meditation or mindfulness activities or sound relaxation mdash or you can do any of these things when you have some free time in your own home Try my free Moonlight Relaxation for Mums (and mother figures)
Soothing calming and relaxationThe opposite of stress and distress is calmness and feeling relaxed If a child clings to you she is trying to bring down a high body arousal level and high levels of stress chemicals She is trying to activate the positive brain chemicals that activate feelings of wellbeing Research shows that children who have been soothed quickly and frequently tend to become self-soothers and manage stress better (Sunderland 2007) Due to the neuroplasticity of the human brain calmness can be learned at any stage of life
Top tips for soothing Key ways to trigger oxytocin mdash the love neurotransmitter
01 Calm adults
02 Touch and massage mdash especially lsquotickle pointrsquo (high on back mdash stroke gently) Works with children of any age
03 Rocking
04 Sucking
05 Physical comforters mdash soft toys dummies blankets
06 Warmth approx 21 degrees C mdash (or cooling if child has a temperature)
07 Low soothing sounds familiar songs
08 Bathing in warm bath
09 Novelty mdash laughter
10 Avoid overstimulation especially loud voices noises too much chaos and too much change
My top three tips for parents to soothe our childrenrsquos worlds mdash The three lsquoSrsquos
01 Slow down mdash walk slower talk slower do less and allow an extra 15 minutes than you think you need to get children ready for a scheduled event like going to school Ask what you can take out of your life so that you can be a calmer parent especially in the early years mdash avoid wearing too many hats when your children are young
02 Soothe more mdash remember that brain chemicals flood our childrenrsquos brains quite irrationally and chaotically Reassure children that they are valued safe and that mistakes and accidents are normal
03 Create safety mdash is your home child friendly Can your children relax sometimes without being stressed to have your home looking like itrsquos a feature house in a House and Garden magazine Is there somewhere for introverted children to hide from people and the world to fill their energy cup
Parent tips for reducing stress in children
raquo Children benefit from calm quiet spaces in their world
raquo Avoid being rushed and hurried
raquo Use quiet voices with gentle tones
raquo Have regular quiet times in your home when all electronic stuff is turned off
raquo Allow children time just lsquoto bersquo and not always be busy
raquo Children sense their parentsrsquo stress and react to it mdash so reduce your stress
raquo Ensure children have good night sleep patterns
raquo Calmness can be learned mdash do a relaxation activity with them
raquo Avoid too much noise and visual stimulation in homes
raquo Avoid too much exposure to TVs computers smart phones and other electronic games and devices
raquo Create safe home environments with boundaries and routines
raquo Avoid too much significant change in childrenrsquos lives
raquo Avoid pressuring your children
raquo Soothing and reassuring children triggers oxytocin and calms children
mdash Maggie Dent Real Kids in an Unreal World (2nd edition 2016)
How to calm an overloaded nervous system in our homes centres amp classrooms
raquo Calm grown ups
raquo Routines and habits
raquo Silent sound signals
raquo Movement amp relaxation
raquo Calming music
raquo Mindfulness
raquo Low vocal tones
raquo Absorbed play
raquo Quiet corner bean bag
raquo Thinking time
raquo Regular quiet times
raquo Calming audio visualisations
raquo Laughter and lightness
raquo Plenty of nature time
Tips for soothing separation distress
Separation distress or anxiety is very common among children and Sunderland believes this distress can influence children even as old as eight
The changes of environment people routines and the number of other children they are interacting with can all cause spikes in cortisol creating those stress symptoms you might see mdash crying clinging tummy aches refusal to leave your side poor appetite restless sleep and even outbursts and tantrums
Remember this means the lsquodownstairs brainrsquo is registering threat mdash and is acting accordingly Remember too that the key stressor for children is separation from the most significant grownup who is their protector
As a starting point it is useful to explain to kids that new things places and people often make even adults feel those same feelings of being a little unsettled or anxious
Young children usually have strong imaginations and I have found that some small techniques that strengthen the connection to Mum or Dad while they are away from you can help lots
I have shared some of my strategies for dealing with separation anxiety in my article 10 Tips to Ease Separation Distress
Safe touchWhy is safe touch so important in caring relationships
Clinical studies at the American Academy of Paediatrics found that touch therapy helped premature newborn babies to gain weight It also improved asthmatic childrenrsquos breathing assisted in balancing glucose levels for diabetic children and lowered stress levels improving the immune system Researcher Tiffany Field PhD from the Touch Research Institute at the University of Miami believes that ldquotouch is as important to infants and children as eating and sleepingrdquo
Soothing touch triggers positive brain chemicals especially serotonin which quite literally soothes the nervous system of the whole child Other ways to soothe include rocking soothing calm sounds from a safe adult and listening to familiar songs or nursery rhymes
We do need to seriously reconsider the fear-driven perception we have around the safe touch of students A retired principal once told me that a lawyer had spoken to him about the legal perspective of being sued for inappropriate touching You can only be pursued legally if you have touched someone without their approval or consent This did not have to be verbal consent tacit approval was sufficient What this means is that when a child falls over or hurts his or herself and comes running with arms up for a hug we have their tacit approval Common-sense needs to prevail
What needs to happen in our homes and schools to ensure that our children know what safe touch entails is that we must educate our children around body safety and awareness No longer can we hope that a significant grown-up has given them some guidance In our highly sexualised world where explicit images and pornography can be found without even looking for them we must give our children the tools to be able to understand where touch is no longer safe for themselves or for others
How can we build more safe touch in our homes
01 If your young children find their way to your bed in the middle of the night because theyrsquore frightened welcome them immediately If you find it difficult to sleep with a squirming wriggling little one in your bed it is completely okay for one of the grown-ups to go and sleep in their bed (especially if your little one wonrsquot settle back into their bed) The important thing is to soothe the fear or the need to be close first One day you will miss the fact that they no longer turn up for a nightly snuggle
02 Be mindful of gentle touching your children more often ndash a gentle hand on the shoulder holding their hands ruffling their hair non-annoying tickling sitting really closely on the couch being really close when you read stories picking them up and holding them close in a hug secret handshakes and high fives all keep physical intimacy alive and well
03 Help your children to create a list of people they feel are safe to allow them to touch them respectfully We still need to be mindful that even the people in this safe circle need to be respectful of when children give their tacit approval to be held or touched My beautiful two-year-old granddaughter can be slow to warm when we first reconnect and I will always offer her a loving verbal greeting however with no pressure for her to respond equally She is just two and has a long way to go to understand the nuances of human interaction particularly communication Adolescents struggle in a similar way and again it is not a sign of disrespect ndash although it is often seen as that ndash or a sign that they donrsquot care for the people who are trying to communicate to them They also improve with continued growth of the prefrontal cortex
04 Each child will have a certain preference around safe touch Personal space is different for us all Some of our children particularly those with sensory processing disorder (SPD) or who are on the spectrum prefer not to be touched at all Some prefer very vigorous rugby style hugs others non-verbal gestures like a smile a wink or even a gentle nod of your head in their direction Some like to sit all over us ndash and often Some might like a gentle head massage or even a back tickle It can be really helpful when we follow their preferences and we are able to meet that hunger for safe touch
05 There is a special spot high up on the back below the neck (between the shoulders) that is particularly sensitive when touched in a gentle and slow way It has been called the tickle spot
It is a bit like an accelerator button that can trigger serotonin which is a calming brain chemical Sometimes in situations where we can see our children struggling gently stroking this spot can actually help them calm down and feel soothed I have used this spot often in the queue in shopping centres when my lads were starting to get restless
06 The calmer our children are the more receptive they will be to being touched in a loving way Sometimes when they are really stressed and could benefit from loving safe touch they reject it or push it away
07 It can be helpful having a conversation with those who are in your close parenting circle of family or friends about safe touch Tell those who you trust that you encourage safe touch I remember one of my sonrsquos best friends who was dealing with the sudden death of his dad telling my son that my hugs were all soft and squishy and they felt good Personally it took me a long time to be comfortable with other people touching me in a caring way and Irsquom a firm believer in the power of a good hug when itrsquos welcome
08 Sometimes being held with love by a trusted person can say more than any words
Dr Arthur Janov author of The Biology of Love (2000) argues that the absence of loving care early in life causes increased levels of stress for a person The result of this deprivation is high levels of cortisol that change the structure of the brain Brain scans taken of extremely violent young men show huge spaces in the pre-frontal lobe
It only takes one genuinely trustworthy person to use safe touch to reframe how a child sees the world and to reshape how their brains perceive safety and tenderness Our world needs more love kindness and gentleness right now and so let the conversation begin
Sibling conflict a normal part of family lifeldquoThere is no way around it Sibling rivalry is universal After all every human is genetically programmed to protect resources that will help him survive and your children depend on and compete for what are in fact precious resources mdash your time and attention
I found that parenting gets a lot easier when we as parents can do 3 very hard things
1 Regulate our emotions
2 Stay connected with our child even when wersquore setting limits or the child is upset
3 Coach instead of controlling by fostering emotional intelligence guiding with empathetic limits instead of punishment and supporting masteryrdquo
mdash Dr Laura Markham Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life (2015)
Sibling rivalry is indeed one of lifersquos great teachers Indeed it helps us learn how to get along with others It also helps put a bit more sensitivity into our feisty lsquoroosterrsquo children and a bit more lsquoroosterrsquo into our sensitive lambs when parenting children of different temperaments
I have written an article about sibling rivalry that offers more detail on where it comes from rivalry between roosters and lambs and how to manage it and how to turn aggression into awareness Read my article on sibling rivalry
How not to deal with sibling rivalryhellip
According to Dr Laura if we punish or are too permissive with our children around their fighting it only creates more fighting The reason for this is because if we are not demonstrating kindness and fairness to solve the issue our kids will model the same approach Your child will handle conflict the way you show them (Markham 2015)
Our children donrsquot learn to be empathetic compassionate human beings by being punished for sibling rivalry Instead they learn to do things simply to avoid punishment not to be intrinsically caring They donrsquot learn self-discipline (remember the Three Family Rules I wrote about earlier) they learn to use power over each other and it can make them fearful and more likely to be angry and depressed (Markham 2015)
Included in this notion of punishment are lsquotimeoutsrsquo Dr Laura and I are on the same page when it comes to thishellip timeouts can be another way of shaming our kids and disconnecting from the
When my four lads got into conflict I found a much better solution was to send them all outside together for five minutes for ldquoa change of sceneryrdquo Invariably after five minutes they wouldnrsquot bother coming back in because being outside had shifted their mood and they got caught up in a new game
So what does help
The key is to help siblings see the world through their siblingrsquos eyes ndash to show why something is not fair or may be unkind or just plain wrong
My suggestions
raquo Stay calm
raquo Ensure safety of all
raquo Make sense of what is happening
raquo Re-connect to family rules
raquo Avoid making quick judgements
raquo Allow calm down time while being nearby
raquo Connect with all parties in a warm way AFTERWARDS
OR Use a nudge
ldquoA nudge is essentially a means of encouraging or guiding behaviour but without mandating or instructing and ideally without the need for heavy financial incentives or sanctions Sometimes behaviour changes with a surprisingly light touchrdquo
mdash David Halpern Inside the Nudge Unit How small changes can make a big difference (2015)
Basically a nudge is a bit of gentle positive persuasion ndash hints suggestions helpful comments hellip
If you reduce friction a nudge can be a potent way of clearing the path to make it easy for people to do something that they probably already intended to do but had not got around to it
01 Unexpected small reward in private
02 A quiet thank you and a positive touch moment in private
03 Positive noticing
04 Mention good conflict solving at family meeting
05 Let kids hear you tell someone else how great they have been
06 Tell your kids they are smart and can work out ways to sort out conflict themselves
07 Change location when things get a bit lsquoouchyrsquo in a calm and warm way
08 Use lightness and novelty
09 Inspirational images around the house reminding everyone within that lsquolove lives herersquo and reflecting your familyrsquos values
Tips from Dr Laura01 Talk about feelings
02 Ask questions about feelings needs wants and choices
03 Explain and model ndash expect to repeat yourself
04 Practice finding win-win solutions
05 Model lsquoIrsquo statements ldquoI feel hellipBecause I wantneed hellip And I observed that hellip eg I feel worried because I want to get there on time and I see that you arenrsquot ready to leave yet so please put on your shoesrdquo
06 Model pro social behaviour
mdash Dr Laura Markham Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life (2015)
and alsoRead Dr Laurarsquos blog ldquoWhy punishment doesnrsquot teach your child accountabilityrdquo for more on punishment
Read her ldquoWhatrsquos Wrong With Timeoutsrdquo blog to find out why time outs are also not a great response to sibling conflicts
And her Siblings 101 blog has some fantastic tips for turning sibling rivalry around
You can find all of Dr Laura Markhamrsquos helpful blogs and her two Peaceful Parent books at wwwahaparentingcom
Your new role is as an interpreter mdash which is technically emotional coaching
And a few notes on some other dilemmas for anyone raising or working with childrenhellip
Telling liesEveryone tells lies
Some children are often frightened into telling lies
Explain the difference between black lies and white lies
Spend time honouring the truth
Read picture books about honesty ndash Franklin Fibs Aesoprsquos Fables Pig the Pug Fibber
I have done a video blog about when children tell lies so take a few minutes to watch that to hear my suggestions
Watch Telling Lies Blog
You might also be interested in this very interesting article talking about research that suggests children who are subjected to punitive methods of discipline are less likely to be honest
Tsunami of Technology ndash Keeping the Balance
The benefits of technology are a given However there are concerns and we need to be aware of those
Concerns to keep in mind
raquo Posture problems
raquo Learning the lsquoplay codersquo
raquo Impact on human communication amp intimacy
raquo Passivity
raquo Sleep issues
raquo Dopamine receptor changes
raquo Short sightedness
raquo Instant entertainment
raquo Language saturation
raquo Creativity
raquo Boredom
raquo Addictive usage
Recommendations
01 As little as possible under 5
02 Never allow screens in bedroom
03 Have excellent remote parental controls on all devices and PCsApples ndash I recommend you take a look at Family Zone
04 Make sure your children are only able to access Kids YouTube
05 Have clear boundaries especially at night
06 Keep in mind the use mdash educational vs entertainment
07 Best use is when there is interaction with others
08 Have a basket for all hand held screens including parentsrsquo around meal times or other together times
09 Check other parentsrsquo boundaries before allowing children to visit ndash be strong
10 Have techno free times for fun
I have a few articles and resources on screens at my common concerns page on screen time httpswwwmaggiedentcomcommon-concernsscreen-time
As a parent or adult caring for children be mindful of Digital Abandonment
Watch my video blog on Digital Abandonment in Modern Families
I am so impressed with the work being done on the digital dilemma for parents by Dr Kristy Goodwin Please take the time to check out her blog and her excellent book Raising Your Child in a Digital World httpdrkristygoodwincom
REFERENCES Dent M (2014) 9 Things A back-to-basics guide to calm common-sense connected parenting birth-8 Murwillumbah NSW Pennington Publications
Dent M (2016) Real Kids in an Unreal World Building resilience amp self-esteem in todayrsquos children Murwillumbah NSW Pennington Publications
Dent M (2003) Saving Our children from Our Chaotic World Teaching children the magic of silence and stillness Dunsborough WA Pennington Publications
Doidge N (2007) The Brain That Changes Itself Stories of personal triumph from the frontiers of brain science New York Viking
Fuller A (2007) Tricky kids Transforming conflict and freeing their potential Sydney Finch Publishing
Goleman D (1996) Emotional Intelligence Why it can matter more than IQ UK Bloomsbury Publishing
Goodwin K (2016) Raising Your Child in a Digital World Sydney Finch Publishing
Grille R (2008) Heart to Heart Parenting Nurturing your childrsquos emotional intelligence from conception to school age Sydney ABC Books
Grille R (2013) Parenting for a Peaceful World (second edition) Asheville NC Vox Cordis Press
Halpern D (2009) Inside the Nudge Unit How small changes can make a big difference UK WHAllen
Janov A (2000) The Biology of Love New York Prometheus Books
Jensen E (2006) Enriching the Brain San Francisco CA Jossey-Bass
Markham L (2015) Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life New York TarcherPerigree
Neufeld G amp Mateacute G (2005) Hold On to Your Kids Why parents need to matter more than peers New York Ballantine Books
Rando L (2010) Caring and Connected Parenting A guide to raising connected children from birth to 4 years CA USA The Spiritual Alliance to Stop Intimate Violence
Shanker S (2016) (with Teresa Barker) Self-Reg How to help your child (and you) break the stress cycle and successfully engage with life Penguin Press
Siegel D J MD amp Bryson T P PhD (2011) The Whole-Brain Child 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your childrsquos developing mind survive everyday parenting struggles and help your family thrive New York Delacorte Press
Sunderland M (2007) The Science of Parenting How todayrsquos brain research can help you raise happy emotionally balanced children New York DK Publishing
Thomas P (2006) Stress in Early Childhood Helping children and their carers ACT Australia Early Childhood Australia
amp some other good readsNaomi Aldort (2005) Raising Our Children Raising Ourselves
Marcy Axness (2012) Parenting for Peace Raising the next generation of peacemakers
All of Steve Biddulphrsquos books Raising Boys Raising Girls The New Manhood The Secret of Happy Childrenhellip
Breacutene Brown (2013) The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting Raising children with courage compassion amp connection Audio CD
Gary Chapman amp Ross Campbell (2012) The 5 Love Languages of Children
Shelley Davidow (2014) Raising Stress-Proof Kids Parenting todayrsquos children in tomorrowrsquos world
Carol Dweck (2012) Mindset The new psychology of success
Tim Gill (2007) No Fear Growing up in a risk averse society
Peter Gray (2013) Free to Learn Why unleashing the instinct to play will make our children happier more self-reliant and better students for life
Jo Jackson King (2010) Raising the Best Possible Child How to navigate parenting myths and bring up confident happy kids
Janet Lansbury (2014) Elevating Child Care A guide to respectful parenting AND No Bad Kids Toddler discipline without shame
Vanessa LaPointe (2015) Discipline Without Damage How to get your kids to behave without messing them up
Pam Leo (2007) Connection Parenting Parenting through connection instead of coercion through love instead of fear wwwConnectionParentingcom
Richard Louv (2005) Last Child in the Woods Saving our children from nature-deficit disorder
Laura Markham (2012) Peaceful Parent Happy Kids how to stop yelling and start connecting
Rachel Macy Stafford (2014) Hands Free Mama and her new book (2017) Only Love Today
Shefali Tsabary (2014) Out of Control Why disciplining your child doesnrsquot work and what will
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
The Bountiful Brain ExploredldquoThe idea that the brain can change its own structure and function through thought and activity is the most important alteration in our view of the brain since we first sketched out its basic anatomy and the working of its basic component the neuronrdquo
mdash Norman Doidge The Brain that Changes Itself (2007)
Attachment is the lsquosuper gluersquo that holds a child in close proximity to a parentcaregiver A child is meant to pursue proximity which means being close to their big person so that they feel safe and are safe Attachment is as important to healthy child development as eating or sleeping Indeed in much of the most recent research strong attachment and bondedness can be shown to be the most significant influence on emotional wellbeing mental health and physical health for life
Safe baseEvery child needs at least one safe base The more the better
raquo Children are meant to pursue proximity
raquo Adults are meant to provide proximity
raquo The purpose of attachment is to keep the child safe and make the child feel safe
raquo Attachment is as important to healthy child development as eating or sleeping
raquo Attachment is the lsquosuper gluersquo that holds a child in close proximity to a parentcaregiver
It does seem almost ironic that a child learns independence by being completely dependent on their significant big person However that is how Mother Nature planned it to be As children grow older they still have a primary need to feel that they are loved and valued In a way it is like building bridges that show we are connected even when we have to teach our children right ways and boundaries
Building love bridges with our children
raquo Have welcoming and farewelling rituals
raquo Wink at children make funny faces give them high fives or thumbs up ndash non-verbal messages of connection
raquo Parents can give small symbols to hold onto in their absence like kisses in the childrsquos hands
raquo Create a unique bedtime ritualhellip ldquoI love you more thanhelliprdquo
raquo Send them rainbows when you are away
raquo Create an imaginary giant protectorguardian angel to watch over your child
raquo Have a picture of you with your child in a locket or plastic sleeve they can keep in their bag
raquo Record readable stories or messages on smart phones if yoursquore away
raquo Take small bites out of their toast or a bite out of their sandwich
raquo Leave notes or funny pictures in their lunch box or on the bathroom mirror
raquo Hide special messages around the house when you go away
raquo Spontaneously join them in drawing or colouring in
raquo Join them on the couch randomly to watch their favourite show
raquo Engage in spontaneous hugs cuddles and tickles
raquo Launch a lsquosurprise bedroom attackrsquo (for older children)
Margot Sunderland in her excellent book The Science of Parenting (2007) warns against allowing babies to get to a highly distressed state for more than a short time as all the brain chemicals flood their little brains and their primitive brain response is likened to being abandoned from the tribe and that death is imminent She warns that this type of distress if it happens often can wire a child to be hypersensitive to stress for the rest of their lives and increase the chances of
depression self-harm and addictive behaviours mdash so sensitive is the developing brain of our babies and toddlers They are unable to soothe themselves when they are distressed and need big people especially the big people who love them to help manage these big ugly feelings that frighten them Even the most loving and attentive parents can find crying babies day after day enormously taxing and exhausting especially when they are sleep-deprived themselves For parents without partners this is an especially challenging time The more support parents of new babies can get from either family or community the better
raquo Burping
raquo Swaddling
raquo Riding in car
raquo Singing talking
raquo Rocking swaying
raquo Increase warmth in the room
raquo Playing soft familiar music
raquo Making soothing sounds
raquo Rubbing patting stroking
raquo Rhythmic noise and vibration
raquo Walking with baby in your arms
raquo Body sack or carriage
raquo Gentle baby massage
raquo Warm baths
The best soothing options
mdash Source Licia Rando Caring and Connected Parenting (2010)
Avoiding meltdowns and warsRemember the ONLY 3 Rules that matter
In our home please try NOT to
01 Hurt yourself
02 Hurt others
03 Hurt things in the world around us
Sunderland (2007) lists six triggers for poor behaviour in children
01 Tiredness and hunger
02 An immature brain
03 Unmet psychological needs
04 Intense emotions
05 Parental stress
06 A parenting style that activates the alarm systems in a childrsquos lower brain
A note about older girls and the safe basehellipFor many parents as their daughters approach puberty (and for many girls this is happening quite young) and through their teen years they may notice that their behaviour can become volatile And yet outside the home they may receive reports that their daughter is an angel The thing is our girls need a safe place to vent their big ugly feelings and irrational thoughts and that safe base might just be you Irsquove written a blog about this for teen girls but it is just as relevant for younger girls
Read my article on Helping Girls with Volatile Emotions
A note about older boys and the safe basehellipFor many parents in particular mothers (but often dads too) as their sons approach puberty we can sometimes struggle to understand how the changes they are going through affect their behaviour As a result there is often a mismatch between what a boy does and what we think he has done Irsquove written a blog about this particularly for mums of boys but again the content will be relevant to dads and people who work with boys
Read my article on The One Question Mums of Sons Should Ask
When children are hard work
Babies toddlers and young children have an under-developed prefrontal cortex ndash and adults have mostly a finished executive functioning brain ndash they need us to help them when things get tough
Firstly can we see our children as struggling rather than being lsquobadrsquo or lsquonaughtyrsquo
1 Firstly consider mdash from the childrsquos perspective mdash is there an unmet need
A child may be
raquo wet raquo tired raquo thirsty raquo hungry raquo bored raquo confused
raquo feeling sick or in pain raquo angry or frustrated raquo feeling powerless or weak raquo feeling unsafe or threatened raquo feeling unloved disconnected and invisible raquo feeling that no one cares
2 How can I help meet that need
You might say to your child raquo ldquoWill a hug helprdquo raquo ldquoHere is a drink of water Does that helprdquo raquo ldquoDo you feel sick Let me feel your headrdquo raquo ldquoLetrsquos go outside for a whilerdquo raquo ldquoCan I help you with somethingrdquo raquo ldquoTell me what you need right nowrdquo
Thenhellip Maybe offer a safe base ndash to enable a calming of their amygdala ndash allow some lsquocalm downrsquo time
raquo Kneel nearby and offer a calm kind presence raquo Go sit in a favourite spot ndash comfy chair or couch and hug their favourite soft toy ie to mimic
soothing raquo Take three deep breaths or three big sighs raquo Quietly start singing a favourite nursery rhyme or bedtime ritual song raquo Lay down on the floor nearby and be still and quiet raquo Spray some Bush Flower Essences or Emergency Essence around the room raquo Put on some nature soundscalming music raquo Send them rainbows of love
The Parental PauseChallenging behaviour from children is hard enough Of course when you add serious sleep deprivation lack of caffeine swirling hormones ndash especially for mums ndash and possibly hunger and an unbelievable sense of exhaustion it can be difficult to access your own freaking pre frontal cortex Sometimes you actually ponder as to whether yours has been stolen or maybe you left it somewhere accidentally
Let me reassure you ndash it has not been stolen and you have not left it somewhere You are not a bad person or a useless parent if you feel angry You simply need to master the art of the Parental Pause
What is the Parental Pause
This magical technique is beyond simple and will help you at times of high tension to be the person you wished you could be without hiding in your bedroom and eating a family block of fruit and nut chocolate (technically a form of health food surely)
It works like this
01 You stop moving You ground your feet
02 Gently bend your knees
03 Place your right hand on your heart
04 Take a deep breath Maybe another two deep breaths
05 Then you slowly stand close by or kneel near your child
Be present
Be still
Observe calmly the world through your childrsquos eyes
Inwardly to yourself ndash repeat these words silently ndash
ldquoMy child is not bad or naughty ndash they are just struggling to cope with their world Let me be what they need right now ndash a safe baserdquo
Thatrsquos it
Imagine that you are at a school assembly for one of your older children when your two-year-old says ldquoI want a drink of waterrdquo Maybe you might calmly respond by saying ldquoBabe I canrsquot get you a drink of water right now However I will as soon as this finishesrdquo The two-year-old starts whining and says much louder ldquoI want some water now Mummyrdquo Again you try to placate her by saying ldquoWersquoll just have to wait til this finishesrdquo and the two-year-old starts to lose the plot Sound familiar
John Medina writes in his excellent book Brain Rules (2014 wwwbrainrulesnet) of the work of behaviourist John Gottman According to Gottman one of the best ways to manage a potential meltdown situation ndash especially with a young child who has poor executive function in her upstairs brain ndash is to acknowledge the childrsquos feelings and empathise
So if that two-year-old who is having a meltdown at the school assembly had heard the following words she might have felt heard ldquoBabe you are thirsty and I reckon a big drink of nice cold water would make you feel so much better I wish I had a drink in my bag so that I could give it to you right now and you could drink as much as you likedrdquo
According to Gottman such an empathetic response which helps identify the emotions that are present acts like pouring water onto a flame as it diffuses intense emotional moments Technically this is called lsquocoaching of emotionsrsquo however it can also be called taming the emotions This has to be one of the best secrets that Irsquove found and I have tried it on other peoplersquos children to find it works every time It ticks all the boxes of meaningful adult interaction
in that it is respectful and it is teaching and guiding a childrsquos awareness As the child is heard and validated it seems to soothe the cortisol levels in the childrsquos brain quite quickly So the next time your child pesters you for a biscuit and it is just before dinner try validating that for them ldquoI know you want a biscuit now sweetheart because I know you like biscuits and you are going to feel frustrated and a little angry when I donrsquot get you one because itrsquos just before dinner We can have a biscuit tomorrow when it isnrsquot time for dinnerrdquo
Anxiety amp self-regulationSymptoms of anxiety
raquo Complaints of stomach aches or headaches raquo Sleep problems or difficulty concentrating raquo Behavioural changes such as moodiness a short temper or clinginess raquo Development of a nervous habit such as nail biting raquo Refusal to go to school or getting into trouble at school raquo Avoidance behaviours raquo Arousal heart rate breathing shaky and dizzy raquo Fatigue and exhaustion
Frequently Missed Symptoms of Anxiety
raquo Angry outbursts
raquo Oppositional and refusal behaviours
raquo Temper tantrums
raquo Aggression
raquo Attention seeking behaviours
raquo Hyperactivity and difficulty sitting still
raquo Concentration problems
raquo Scholastic underachievement or excessive resistance to doing work
raquo Frequent visits to school nurse
raquo High number of missed school days
raquo Difficulties with social or peer group
mdash Source Dr Lyn Miller address to The Development of Childrenrsquos Mental Health How Do We Become Who We Are Conference Canada 2012
Sometimes what is seen as misbehaviour is more a stress behaviour Or a sign your child is not coping with their world In the excellent new book on self-regulation Self-Reg How to help your child (and you) break the stress cycle and successfully engage with life by Dr Stuart Shanker with Teresa Barker (2016) we learn much to help us understand stress behaviour
Shanker Self-Regtrade is explained in the following way
bull Self-Reg starts by reframing a childrsquos behaviour and for that matter our own It means seeing the meaning of the childrsquos behaviour maybe for the first time
bull Self-Reg will show you where to stand how to bring your childrsquos behaviour into focus respond to your childrsquos needs and help your child help himself
bull Self-Reg starts with how well we can identify and reduce our own stressors and how we can stay calm and attentive when we interact with a child
mdash Source Stuart Shanker Self-Reg (2016)
The brain and self-regulation
Babies only have a lsquoprimitive brainrsquo and somewhere in the growth over the first years of life they grow the next level of the brain the limbic brain You often hear this referred to as the emotional centre of the brain and basically this system lies underneath our more rational pre-frontal cortex Some of the limbic systemrsquos major structures include the
raquo Amygdala
raquo Hippocampus
raquo Hypothalamus
raquo Striatum
The limbic system is the where our strong emotions and urges come from Think of the meltdowns and temper tantrums over the wrong coloured cup the sandwich cut the wrong way and the apple peeled instead of not
In his book Enriching the Brain (2006) Eric Jensen writes that memories are anchored much more deeply when there are strong emotions present The limbic system plays a part here too That is why powerful scary memories anchor so deeply in the brain alongside those memories that were accompanied by exquisite joy (If you want some ideas about this read my Making Memories That Matter article)
ldquo Love desire fear shame anger and trauma all share a neurological home baserdquo mdash Shanker (2016)
Now we often hear about how stress and especially prolonged distress triggers us to come from our lsquoprimitive brainrsquo ndash so we go into fight flight or freeze mode And this can inhibit our ability to respond from our pre-frontal cortex (which isnrsquot fully formed until wersquore adults) This aspect of our brain which is commonly referred to as our lsquohigherrsquo brain or lsquoexecutive functioningrsquo brain plays a role in managing our emotions planning making decisions deliberating over consequences and guiding our social behaviour and the like
Shanker (2016) writes about how very influential the limbic system in particular the hypothalamus is in regulating everything from our body temperature hunger and thirst heart rate and breathing through to ldquoaspects of hearing speaking mind reading other peoplersquos social and emotional cues parenting and attachment behavioursrdquo
Basically he explains ldquoAll of these different functions are tied to the brainrsquos most primitive response to anything from relatively minor stressors to fullon threats ndash or at least what our limbic system lsquodecidesrsquo is a threat When we can calm that response we begin to bring all of the other self-regulatory processes into syncrdquo
He also refers to new discoveries being made all the time into how being in flightflight mode can switch off certain brain functions including for example how stress impacts on childrenrsquos middle ear muscles and affects their capacity to process speech and hear low-frequency sounds (Shanker 2016)
I am pretty sure that in a moment of conflict a parent would seldom be using low frequency sounds No wonder they canrsquot hear us
I have a video blog on Why boysrsquo behaviour is their language but really this notion applies to all children and as parents and educators we need to be like detectives in looking for clues to determine when a child is stressed and needs support to calm their stress levels
Similar to the symptoms listed above for anxiety stressed children can present in many ways irritable unfocused explosive clingy aggressive quick to anger oppositional overly teary hard to get moving overly sensitivehellip all of these are signs your child may be experiencing a high level of stress
No matter what the triggers for this stress are ndash these children who are often seen as naughty or badly behaved are quite simply not coping with their world The children who are under more stress have less capacity to manage Excess stress drains their energy and then if they meet more challenge that triggers more stress everything can collide together like a perfect storm
I believe that the lsquoschoolificationrsquo of young children is a major contributor to the increase in stress anxiety and a lot of inappropriate behaviour wersquore seeing as many children are struggling to cope
Main sources of stress and anxiety in children raquo Hurried over-scheduled world
raquo Temperaments and personality
raquo Absence of healthy love and attachment
raquo Too much pressure on children to perform
raquo Stressed parents who rush
raquo Not enough calm still quiet solo time
raquo Poor sleep patterns
raquo Too much stimulation from TV toys and adult commands
raquo Not enough consistency and routines
raquo Too much social change or social dislocation
raquo Shaming language
raquo Threats of abuse and violence
raquo Death and loss experiences
An overactive stress response system originating in childhood underlies many mental disorders later in life
raquo Depression
raquo Persistent states of anxiety
raquo Phobias and obsessions
raquo Physical symptoms and illness
raquo Being cut off emotionally
raquo Lethargy and lack of get up and go
raquo Lack of desire and excitement
raquo Lack of spontaneity
Much of the punishment that children receive for poor behaviour can be seen as adding fuel to a smouldering fire Think blaming shaming shouting and hitting ndash these punitive measures are still lingering from the harsh parenting and education practices of the last century especially before the 1970s
If punishment is too harsh a child can simply shut down ndash a serious level of stress survival that can sometimes look like compliance It is actually a sign that the child is highly distressed and can be damaging to your ongoing relationship
The damaging effects of shaming
Shame is the name we give to the overwhelming feeling that we need to crawl under a rock because we see ourselves as unworthy unpleasant unlikeable or reprehensible and because we expect to be judged or rejected accordingly
ldquoShame is like a knife that sharply delineates the limits of love in every culture the warning signal that something we are doing risks us being ostracisedrdquo
mdash Robin Grille Heart to Heart Parenting (2008)
Examples of shaming
raquo Deliberately ignoring a child
raquo Being sarcastic
raquo Walking away as though a child does not exist
raquo Rolling onersquos eyes
raquo Glaring at a child with disgust
raquo Shouting yelling and swearing at a child
We also shame when we say things such as
raquo ldquoYou ought to be ashamed of yourselfrdquo
raquo ldquoYou naughty boyrdquo
raquo ldquoYou are acting like a selfish bratrdquo
raquo ldquoYoursquove been a bad little girlrdquo
raquo ldquoGrow uprdquo
raquo ldquoStop acting like a babyrdquo
raquo ldquoDonrsquot be a sissyrdquo
raquo Girls donrsquot do that sort of thingrdquo
raquo ldquoYoursquore hopelessrdquo
raquo ldquoYoursquore not even tryingrdquo
raquo ldquoWhy canrsquot you be more like your brotherrdquo
raquo What are people going to think
The dynamics of energyUnderpinning this work in self-regulation is the notion that rather than shaming and controlling our children for reacting to stress we can help them learn to self-regulate We do this by supporting them to recognise whatrsquos going on in their bodies and how they can make themselves feel better A lot of this has to do with them (and us) monitoring their energy levels and what might be affecting them
This actually happens from birth Shanker (2016) writes of the ldquointer-brainrdquo which is ldquoa right brain-to-right brain communication channel between the parents and the baby delivered through touch sounds looks and even smellsrdquo
ldquoWe are designed to draw energy from one another and restore energy through one anotherhellip The better we can understand what might be draining a childrsquos energy reserves the better we can tailor our interactions and the choices we make to reduce that strainrdquo
mdash Stuart Shanker Self-Reg (2016)
Further Shanker says most stressors can be broken down to belonging in one of ldquoThe Five Domains of Stress and Self-Regulationrdquo biological emotional cognitive social and pro-social
Each of these domains has various stressors belonging to them and the better we understand those the better we can help to reduce them For example Shanker lists a pro-social stressor as ldquohaving to deal with other peoplersquos strong emotionsrdquo while a biological stressor might be tiredness or a noisy environment We can then look for signs that our child is potentially experiencing one of these stressors (Shanker 2016)
As parents carers and educators by having a greater understanding of these domains ndash stressors can come from more than one at a time ndash we can identify when children are experiencing issues in the various domains and adjust things to reduce the stress
More on self-regulationhellipThrough his work with The Mehrit Centre Dr Stuart Shanker has provided a wealth of excellent free resources on his website for teachers and parents and I would encourage everyone to not only read his new book Self-Reg but to spend some time browsing the site reading about these methods in more detail and using some of the tools provided at home or in your centreclassroom httpsself-regcaself-reg
In particular you may find these infographics helpful
Understanding Stress Behaviour for Parents Understanding Stress Behaviour for Teachers The Five Steps to Self-Regulation (The Shanker Methodtrade)
Becoming a CSI Detective We have to remember that in all interactions with our children maintaining a warm relationship needs to be first priority
Patterns habits routines and structure make the world more predictable and less startling for children I write about why healthy boundaries matter in my 10 resilience building blocks for an important reason
The better a baby and young children can recognise predictable patterns the less frightening and more engaging the world becomes Babies constantly look and listen for patterns all around them With pattern recognition comes the ability to know what yoursquore feeling and to act in an intentional way in your environment ndash it helps all of us anticipate what will happen next without becoming frightened about the uncertainty of the world
Chaos and rigidity are the two most confronting things that can impact our little onersquos lives Having routines and consistency makes the world safer for them and so they are not wasting vital energy figuring out if they are safe or not Always having to focus on survival denies children the capacity to interact in a curious way with the world Children quickly flip to survival brain because their pre frontal cortex is too immature and they will struggle when they donrsquot
understand what they are experiencing or why people are behaving the way they are or when this is too much for them Confusion and uncertainty are the opposite of having patterns and routines
The stronger a child is attached to key caregivers and the more attuned these caregivers are the better the child will navigate the uncertainties they will meet ndash moment by moment This means they will have more energy to explore and seek new things Yes it does take hours and hours of connected interaction to build these predictable pathways ndash this is called scaffolding and is essential to all learning Scaffolding is respectful to our young children because it values the input of the child first rather than something we do with a child
Acknowledging kids positively raquo Smile at them
raquo Wink at them
raquo Say hello using their name
raquo Say ldquoIrsquom glad to see yourdquo
raquo Suggest ldquoLetrsquos go play togetherrdquo
raquo Ask them to show you how to do a puzzle
raquo Give them a pat on the head back
raquo Hug them if appropriate
raquo Ask about their favourite toy
raquo Play a hand or clapping game with them
raquo Hold their hand
raquo Say things like
bull ldquoThank you for helping me clean up the toysrdquo
bull ldquoI noticed you washing your hands after going to the toiletrdquo
bull ldquoI know how hard it is to be patient when you play with othersrdquo
bull ldquoI noticed you using your quiet voice mdash well donerdquo
raquo Sing songs with them especially their favourite ones
raquo Cuddle up and watch ABC Kids with them
raquo Pretend to be an animal
raquo Call them up and say hello
raquo Make them laugh
Communicating compassionately with our children
Communication seems such a simple thing to do however poor communication is one of the key factors underlying conflict in our families We simply misunderstand each other
Being heard
Here are some phrases you might use that let your child know you are really hearing him or her
raquo ldquoLet me put this down so I can give you my full attentionrdquo
raquo ldquoWait a second while I turn off the TVradiocomputer so I can really hear yourdquo
raquo ldquoLetrsquos have some time together nowrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat would you like to do when we have our time together tomorrow afternoonrdquo
raquo ldquoSo what you mean isrdquo
raquo ldquoTell me more about thisrdquo
raquo ldquoIn other wordsrdquo
raquo ldquoLet me see if I understand you so farrdquo
raquo ldquoThat must have beenfor yourdquo
raquo ldquoAre you open to some feedback from merdquo
raquo ldquoNow thatrsquos interestingrdquo
raquo ldquoDoes that feel fair to yourdquo
raquo ldquoTell me what you were hoping to dordquo
raquo ldquoHow can we make this betterrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat do you think needs to happen nowrdquo
raquo ldquoSounds like youwe have a problemrdquo
raquo ldquoWhose problem is thisrdquo
raquo ldquoDoes that feel kind to yourdquo
raquo ldquoThere is a problem here How can I help you to sort it outrdquo
raquo ldquoCheck it out inside Does it feel rightrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat were you trying to do hererdquo
raquo ldquoDo you need my help right now to sort out what is happeningrdquo
raquo ldquoI know you can handle itrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat would you like to do nowrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat would a good friend do nowrdquo
raquo ldquoI noticed thatrdquo
raquo ldquoHaving a go is important mdash we canrsquot all win
Some secrets of positive parental communication
raquo Distraction
raquo Respectful caring requests
raquo Saying ldquoYes mdash Afterrdquo
raquo ldquoItrsquos just the right thing to dordquo
raquo Really listening
raquo Calm down time
Four steps to nurturing the inner genius in your child
1 Pause and become present
2 Ask ldquoDid you do that all by yourselfrdquo
3 Explain why the choice is one you would prefer they didnrsquot make again
4 Have them clean up the mess
Creating a family solution-seeking processldquo90 of childhood misbehaviour is the result of the developmental journeyrdquo
ndash Dr Gordon Neufeld Hold On to Your Kids (2005)
Essentially this means that childrenrsquos behaviour when it does not meet our expectations is not so much wrong or bad it is mainly children being children with a childrsquos mind and depth of experience If a childrsquos behaviour is inconvenient to us as an adult it too is not bad or wrong it is merely a normal part of the developmental journey of growing from child to adult Next time yoursquore frustrated and angry about your childrsquos behaviour pause take a deep breath and see if you can view that behaviour through the eyes of a child
One more thing is consider what we say to ourselves in our mind I so often hear the term lsquoattention seekingrsquo when talking about inappropriate behaviour in children If we could reframe that to ndash lsquolove seeking or connection seekingrsquo our response will be different
Family meetings are a wonderful way to resolve issues affirm values and rules and to connect Read my article on 10 Top Tips for a Successful Family Meeting
More on childrenrsquos anxietyRobin Grille in his book Heart to Heart Parenting (2008) outlines some of the things that are going on in a babyrsquos consciousness that I think are very helpful for is to keep in mind
raquo Babies feel everything far more intensely than do adults
raquo Babies cannot lie put on an act or pretend like older children What you see is what you get mdash complete emotional honesty
raquo Babies cannot plan or think ahead mdash all they do is to react
raquo Babies are incapable of influencing or manipulating anyone
raquo Babies do not understand time
raquo Babies have very little ability to soothe themselves
raquo Babies have no strong defences against pain or sorrow as they do not yet have the fight or flight response
raquo If babies learn that reaching out is rewarding they will become strong communicators able to connect with people more effectively
ldquoLow serotonin levels are a key component in many forms of aggression and violent behaviour Opiods are vital to diminish feelings of fear and stress so deactivation of opiods in parts of the brain leads to increases in negative feelings and stress and decreases in positive feelingsrdquo
mdash Margot Sunderland The Science of Parenting (2007)
Distress (chronic stress)
01 Halves neuron development
02 Reduces effectiveness of the dendrites
03 Reduces brain to lsquosurvivalrsquo mode rather than upper cognitive processing
04 Reduces blood supply to the brain
05 Stimulates emotional meltdowns
06 Impedes immune system
What happens to the body when it enters lsquoflight or fightrsquo state (Distress)
raquo Breathing becomes shallow
raquo The heart rate increases
raquo Blood pressure rises
raquo Adrenaline and cortisol hormones are released into the blood
raquo The senses are heightened
raquo The liver releases stored sugar into the blood
raquo Muscles tense and tighten
raquo Blood flow increases to the brain and major muscles and is constricted to the extremities
mdash Patrice Thomas Stress in Early Childhood (2006)
Calming our children ndash strategies Now that we have looked at many of the symptoms and causes of stress and anxiety I want to focus on ways to help calm our children and our homes classrooms and early years centres This first thing to bear in mind is
ldquoHappy Calm Children Learn Bestrdquo
mdash Daniel Goleman
This quote is so truehellip our children need to be happy and calm to learn at school and at home If they are stressed all their energy and enthusiasm will be diverted to dealing with that stress So letrsquos look at how to support them with this
Herersquos a summary of some of my resources to help your children with anxiety
ArticlesThe Importance of a Go-Slow Childhood 10 Tips to Ease Separation Distress The Invisible Enemy of Anxiety Childhood Stress
AudiosI have several audios to help with anxiety
SafeNSound and Sleepytime are for under 10s and are free from my website
My latest download for anxious children is called Soothing the Frightened Butterflies which costs $5 as a download This can really help build coping and calming strategies for anxious kids
Managing our own stress especially for busy mums is important and that may mean joining a class or group to try yoga tai chi meditation or mindfulness activities or sound relaxation mdash or you can do any of these things when you have some free time in your own home Try my free Moonlight Relaxation for Mums (and mother figures)
Soothing calming and relaxationThe opposite of stress and distress is calmness and feeling relaxed If a child clings to you she is trying to bring down a high body arousal level and high levels of stress chemicals She is trying to activate the positive brain chemicals that activate feelings of wellbeing Research shows that children who have been soothed quickly and frequently tend to become self-soothers and manage stress better (Sunderland 2007) Due to the neuroplasticity of the human brain calmness can be learned at any stage of life
Top tips for soothing Key ways to trigger oxytocin mdash the love neurotransmitter
01 Calm adults
02 Touch and massage mdash especially lsquotickle pointrsquo (high on back mdash stroke gently) Works with children of any age
03 Rocking
04 Sucking
05 Physical comforters mdash soft toys dummies blankets
06 Warmth approx 21 degrees C mdash (or cooling if child has a temperature)
07 Low soothing sounds familiar songs
08 Bathing in warm bath
09 Novelty mdash laughter
10 Avoid overstimulation especially loud voices noises too much chaos and too much change
My top three tips for parents to soothe our childrenrsquos worlds mdash The three lsquoSrsquos
01 Slow down mdash walk slower talk slower do less and allow an extra 15 minutes than you think you need to get children ready for a scheduled event like going to school Ask what you can take out of your life so that you can be a calmer parent especially in the early years mdash avoid wearing too many hats when your children are young
02 Soothe more mdash remember that brain chemicals flood our childrenrsquos brains quite irrationally and chaotically Reassure children that they are valued safe and that mistakes and accidents are normal
03 Create safety mdash is your home child friendly Can your children relax sometimes without being stressed to have your home looking like itrsquos a feature house in a House and Garden magazine Is there somewhere for introverted children to hide from people and the world to fill their energy cup
Parent tips for reducing stress in children
raquo Children benefit from calm quiet spaces in their world
raquo Avoid being rushed and hurried
raquo Use quiet voices with gentle tones
raquo Have regular quiet times in your home when all electronic stuff is turned off
raquo Allow children time just lsquoto bersquo and not always be busy
raquo Children sense their parentsrsquo stress and react to it mdash so reduce your stress
raquo Ensure children have good night sleep patterns
raquo Calmness can be learned mdash do a relaxation activity with them
raquo Avoid too much noise and visual stimulation in homes
raquo Avoid too much exposure to TVs computers smart phones and other electronic games and devices
raquo Create safe home environments with boundaries and routines
raquo Avoid too much significant change in childrenrsquos lives
raquo Avoid pressuring your children
raquo Soothing and reassuring children triggers oxytocin and calms children
mdash Maggie Dent Real Kids in an Unreal World (2nd edition 2016)
How to calm an overloaded nervous system in our homes centres amp classrooms
raquo Calm grown ups
raquo Routines and habits
raquo Silent sound signals
raquo Movement amp relaxation
raquo Calming music
raquo Mindfulness
raquo Low vocal tones
raquo Absorbed play
raquo Quiet corner bean bag
raquo Thinking time
raquo Regular quiet times
raquo Calming audio visualisations
raquo Laughter and lightness
raquo Plenty of nature time
Tips for soothing separation distress
Separation distress or anxiety is very common among children and Sunderland believes this distress can influence children even as old as eight
The changes of environment people routines and the number of other children they are interacting with can all cause spikes in cortisol creating those stress symptoms you might see mdash crying clinging tummy aches refusal to leave your side poor appetite restless sleep and even outbursts and tantrums
Remember this means the lsquodownstairs brainrsquo is registering threat mdash and is acting accordingly Remember too that the key stressor for children is separation from the most significant grownup who is their protector
As a starting point it is useful to explain to kids that new things places and people often make even adults feel those same feelings of being a little unsettled or anxious
Young children usually have strong imaginations and I have found that some small techniques that strengthen the connection to Mum or Dad while they are away from you can help lots
I have shared some of my strategies for dealing with separation anxiety in my article 10 Tips to Ease Separation Distress
Safe touchWhy is safe touch so important in caring relationships
Clinical studies at the American Academy of Paediatrics found that touch therapy helped premature newborn babies to gain weight It also improved asthmatic childrenrsquos breathing assisted in balancing glucose levels for diabetic children and lowered stress levels improving the immune system Researcher Tiffany Field PhD from the Touch Research Institute at the University of Miami believes that ldquotouch is as important to infants and children as eating and sleepingrdquo
Soothing touch triggers positive brain chemicals especially serotonin which quite literally soothes the nervous system of the whole child Other ways to soothe include rocking soothing calm sounds from a safe adult and listening to familiar songs or nursery rhymes
We do need to seriously reconsider the fear-driven perception we have around the safe touch of students A retired principal once told me that a lawyer had spoken to him about the legal perspective of being sued for inappropriate touching You can only be pursued legally if you have touched someone without their approval or consent This did not have to be verbal consent tacit approval was sufficient What this means is that when a child falls over or hurts his or herself and comes running with arms up for a hug we have their tacit approval Common-sense needs to prevail
What needs to happen in our homes and schools to ensure that our children know what safe touch entails is that we must educate our children around body safety and awareness No longer can we hope that a significant grown-up has given them some guidance In our highly sexualised world where explicit images and pornography can be found without even looking for them we must give our children the tools to be able to understand where touch is no longer safe for themselves or for others
How can we build more safe touch in our homes
01 If your young children find their way to your bed in the middle of the night because theyrsquore frightened welcome them immediately If you find it difficult to sleep with a squirming wriggling little one in your bed it is completely okay for one of the grown-ups to go and sleep in their bed (especially if your little one wonrsquot settle back into their bed) The important thing is to soothe the fear or the need to be close first One day you will miss the fact that they no longer turn up for a nightly snuggle
02 Be mindful of gentle touching your children more often ndash a gentle hand on the shoulder holding their hands ruffling their hair non-annoying tickling sitting really closely on the couch being really close when you read stories picking them up and holding them close in a hug secret handshakes and high fives all keep physical intimacy alive and well
03 Help your children to create a list of people they feel are safe to allow them to touch them respectfully We still need to be mindful that even the people in this safe circle need to be respectful of when children give their tacit approval to be held or touched My beautiful two-year-old granddaughter can be slow to warm when we first reconnect and I will always offer her a loving verbal greeting however with no pressure for her to respond equally She is just two and has a long way to go to understand the nuances of human interaction particularly communication Adolescents struggle in a similar way and again it is not a sign of disrespect ndash although it is often seen as that ndash or a sign that they donrsquot care for the people who are trying to communicate to them They also improve with continued growth of the prefrontal cortex
04 Each child will have a certain preference around safe touch Personal space is different for us all Some of our children particularly those with sensory processing disorder (SPD) or who are on the spectrum prefer not to be touched at all Some prefer very vigorous rugby style hugs others non-verbal gestures like a smile a wink or even a gentle nod of your head in their direction Some like to sit all over us ndash and often Some might like a gentle head massage or even a back tickle It can be really helpful when we follow their preferences and we are able to meet that hunger for safe touch
05 There is a special spot high up on the back below the neck (between the shoulders) that is particularly sensitive when touched in a gentle and slow way It has been called the tickle spot
It is a bit like an accelerator button that can trigger serotonin which is a calming brain chemical Sometimes in situations where we can see our children struggling gently stroking this spot can actually help them calm down and feel soothed I have used this spot often in the queue in shopping centres when my lads were starting to get restless
06 The calmer our children are the more receptive they will be to being touched in a loving way Sometimes when they are really stressed and could benefit from loving safe touch they reject it or push it away
07 It can be helpful having a conversation with those who are in your close parenting circle of family or friends about safe touch Tell those who you trust that you encourage safe touch I remember one of my sonrsquos best friends who was dealing with the sudden death of his dad telling my son that my hugs were all soft and squishy and they felt good Personally it took me a long time to be comfortable with other people touching me in a caring way and Irsquom a firm believer in the power of a good hug when itrsquos welcome
08 Sometimes being held with love by a trusted person can say more than any words
Dr Arthur Janov author of The Biology of Love (2000) argues that the absence of loving care early in life causes increased levels of stress for a person The result of this deprivation is high levels of cortisol that change the structure of the brain Brain scans taken of extremely violent young men show huge spaces in the pre-frontal lobe
It only takes one genuinely trustworthy person to use safe touch to reframe how a child sees the world and to reshape how their brains perceive safety and tenderness Our world needs more love kindness and gentleness right now and so let the conversation begin
Sibling conflict a normal part of family lifeldquoThere is no way around it Sibling rivalry is universal After all every human is genetically programmed to protect resources that will help him survive and your children depend on and compete for what are in fact precious resources mdash your time and attention
I found that parenting gets a lot easier when we as parents can do 3 very hard things
1 Regulate our emotions
2 Stay connected with our child even when wersquore setting limits or the child is upset
3 Coach instead of controlling by fostering emotional intelligence guiding with empathetic limits instead of punishment and supporting masteryrdquo
mdash Dr Laura Markham Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life (2015)
Sibling rivalry is indeed one of lifersquos great teachers Indeed it helps us learn how to get along with others It also helps put a bit more sensitivity into our feisty lsquoroosterrsquo children and a bit more lsquoroosterrsquo into our sensitive lambs when parenting children of different temperaments
I have written an article about sibling rivalry that offers more detail on where it comes from rivalry between roosters and lambs and how to manage it and how to turn aggression into awareness Read my article on sibling rivalry
How not to deal with sibling rivalryhellip
According to Dr Laura if we punish or are too permissive with our children around their fighting it only creates more fighting The reason for this is because if we are not demonstrating kindness and fairness to solve the issue our kids will model the same approach Your child will handle conflict the way you show them (Markham 2015)
Our children donrsquot learn to be empathetic compassionate human beings by being punished for sibling rivalry Instead they learn to do things simply to avoid punishment not to be intrinsically caring They donrsquot learn self-discipline (remember the Three Family Rules I wrote about earlier) they learn to use power over each other and it can make them fearful and more likely to be angry and depressed (Markham 2015)
Included in this notion of punishment are lsquotimeoutsrsquo Dr Laura and I are on the same page when it comes to thishellip timeouts can be another way of shaming our kids and disconnecting from the
When my four lads got into conflict I found a much better solution was to send them all outside together for five minutes for ldquoa change of sceneryrdquo Invariably after five minutes they wouldnrsquot bother coming back in because being outside had shifted their mood and they got caught up in a new game
So what does help
The key is to help siblings see the world through their siblingrsquos eyes ndash to show why something is not fair or may be unkind or just plain wrong
My suggestions
raquo Stay calm
raquo Ensure safety of all
raquo Make sense of what is happening
raquo Re-connect to family rules
raquo Avoid making quick judgements
raquo Allow calm down time while being nearby
raquo Connect with all parties in a warm way AFTERWARDS
OR Use a nudge
ldquoA nudge is essentially a means of encouraging or guiding behaviour but without mandating or instructing and ideally without the need for heavy financial incentives or sanctions Sometimes behaviour changes with a surprisingly light touchrdquo
mdash David Halpern Inside the Nudge Unit How small changes can make a big difference (2015)
Basically a nudge is a bit of gentle positive persuasion ndash hints suggestions helpful comments hellip
If you reduce friction a nudge can be a potent way of clearing the path to make it easy for people to do something that they probably already intended to do but had not got around to it
01 Unexpected small reward in private
02 A quiet thank you and a positive touch moment in private
03 Positive noticing
04 Mention good conflict solving at family meeting
05 Let kids hear you tell someone else how great they have been
06 Tell your kids they are smart and can work out ways to sort out conflict themselves
07 Change location when things get a bit lsquoouchyrsquo in a calm and warm way
08 Use lightness and novelty
09 Inspirational images around the house reminding everyone within that lsquolove lives herersquo and reflecting your familyrsquos values
Tips from Dr Laura01 Talk about feelings
02 Ask questions about feelings needs wants and choices
03 Explain and model ndash expect to repeat yourself
04 Practice finding win-win solutions
05 Model lsquoIrsquo statements ldquoI feel hellipBecause I wantneed hellip And I observed that hellip eg I feel worried because I want to get there on time and I see that you arenrsquot ready to leave yet so please put on your shoesrdquo
06 Model pro social behaviour
mdash Dr Laura Markham Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life (2015)
and alsoRead Dr Laurarsquos blog ldquoWhy punishment doesnrsquot teach your child accountabilityrdquo for more on punishment
Read her ldquoWhatrsquos Wrong With Timeoutsrdquo blog to find out why time outs are also not a great response to sibling conflicts
And her Siblings 101 blog has some fantastic tips for turning sibling rivalry around
You can find all of Dr Laura Markhamrsquos helpful blogs and her two Peaceful Parent books at wwwahaparentingcom
Your new role is as an interpreter mdash which is technically emotional coaching
And a few notes on some other dilemmas for anyone raising or working with childrenhellip
Telling liesEveryone tells lies
Some children are often frightened into telling lies
Explain the difference between black lies and white lies
Spend time honouring the truth
Read picture books about honesty ndash Franklin Fibs Aesoprsquos Fables Pig the Pug Fibber
I have done a video blog about when children tell lies so take a few minutes to watch that to hear my suggestions
Watch Telling Lies Blog
You might also be interested in this very interesting article talking about research that suggests children who are subjected to punitive methods of discipline are less likely to be honest
Tsunami of Technology ndash Keeping the Balance
The benefits of technology are a given However there are concerns and we need to be aware of those
Concerns to keep in mind
raquo Posture problems
raquo Learning the lsquoplay codersquo
raquo Impact on human communication amp intimacy
raquo Passivity
raquo Sleep issues
raquo Dopamine receptor changes
raquo Short sightedness
raquo Instant entertainment
raquo Language saturation
raquo Creativity
raquo Boredom
raquo Addictive usage
Recommendations
01 As little as possible under 5
02 Never allow screens in bedroom
03 Have excellent remote parental controls on all devices and PCsApples ndash I recommend you take a look at Family Zone
04 Make sure your children are only able to access Kids YouTube
05 Have clear boundaries especially at night
06 Keep in mind the use mdash educational vs entertainment
07 Best use is when there is interaction with others
08 Have a basket for all hand held screens including parentsrsquo around meal times or other together times
09 Check other parentsrsquo boundaries before allowing children to visit ndash be strong
10 Have techno free times for fun
I have a few articles and resources on screens at my common concerns page on screen time httpswwwmaggiedentcomcommon-concernsscreen-time
As a parent or adult caring for children be mindful of Digital Abandonment
Watch my video blog on Digital Abandonment in Modern Families
I am so impressed with the work being done on the digital dilemma for parents by Dr Kristy Goodwin Please take the time to check out her blog and her excellent book Raising Your Child in a Digital World httpdrkristygoodwincom
REFERENCES Dent M (2014) 9 Things A back-to-basics guide to calm common-sense connected parenting birth-8 Murwillumbah NSW Pennington Publications
Dent M (2016) Real Kids in an Unreal World Building resilience amp self-esteem in todayrsquos children Murwillumbah NSW Pennington Publications
Dent M (2003) Saving Our children from Our Chaotic World Teaching children the magic of silence and stillness Dunsborough WA Pennington Publications
Doidge N (2007) The Brain That Changes Itself Stories of personal triumph from the frontiers of brain science New York Viking
Fuller A (2007) Tricky kids Transforming conflict and freeing their potential Sydney Finch Publishing
Goleman D (1996) Emotional Intelligence Why it can matter more than IQ UK Bloomsbury Publishing
Goodwin K (2016) Raising Your Child in a Digital World Sydney Finch Publishing
Grille R (2008) Heart to Heart Parenting Nurturing your childrsquos emotional intelligence from conception to school age Sydney ABC Books
Grille R (2013) Parenting for a Peaceful World (second edition) Asheville NC Vox Cordis Press
Halpern D (2009) Inside the Nudge Unit How small changes can make a big difference UK WHAllen
Janov A (2000) The Biology of Love New York Prometheus Books
Jensen E (2006) Enriching the Brain San Francisco CA Jossey-Bass
Markham L (2015) Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life New York TarcherPerigree
Neufeld G amp Mateacute G (2005) Hold On to Your Kids Why parents need to matter more than peers New York Ballantine Books
Rando L (2010) Caring and Connected Parenting A guide to raising connected children from birth to 4 years CA USA The Spiritual Alliance to Stop Intimate Violence
Shanker S (2016) (with Teresa Barker) Self-Reg How to help your child (and you) break the stress cycle and successfully engage with life Penguin Press
Siegel D J MD amp Bryson T P PhD (2011) The Whole-Brain Child 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your childrsquos developing mind survive everyday parenting struggles and help your family thrive New York Delacorte Press
Sunderland M (2007) The Science of Parenting How todayrsquos brain research can help you raise happy emotionally balanced children New York DK Publishing
Thomas P (2006) Stress in Early Childhood Helping children and their carers ACT Australia Early Childhood Australia
amp some other good readsNaomi Aldort (2005) Raising Our Children Raising Ourselves
Marcy Axness (2012) Parenting for Peace Raising the next generation of peacemakers
All of Steve Biddulphrsquos books Raising Boys Raising Girls The New Manhood The Secret of Happy Childrenhellip
Breacutene Brown (2013) The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting Raising children with courage compassion amp connection Audio CD
Gary Chapman amp Ross Campbell (2012) The 5 Love Languages of Children
Shelley Davidow (2014) Raising Stress-Proof Kids Parenting todayrsquos children in tomorrowrsquos world
Carol Dweck (2012) Mindset The new psychology of success
Tim Gill (2007) No Fear Growing up in a risk averse society
Peter Gray (2013) Free to Learn Why unleashing the instinct to play will make our children happier more self-reliant and better students for life
Jo Jackson King (2010) Raising the Best Possible Child How to navigate parenting myths and bring up confident happy kids
Janet Lansbury (2014) Elevating Child Care A guide to respectful parenting AND No Bad Kids Toddler discipline without shame
Vanessa LaPointe (2015) Discipline Without Damage How to get your kids to behave without messing them up
Pam Leo (2007) Connection Parenting Parenting through connection instead of coercion through love instead of fear wwwConnectionParentingcom
Richard Louv (2005) Last Child in the Woods Saving our children from nature-deficit disorder
Laura Markham (2012) Peaceful Parent Happy Kids how to stop yelling and start connecting
Rachel Macy Stafford (2014) Hands Free Mama and her new book (2017) Only Love Today
Shefali Tsabary (2014) Out of Control Why disciplining your child doesnrsquot work and what will
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
It does seem almost ironic that a child learns independence by being completely dependent on their significant big person However that is how Mother Nature planned it to be As children grow older they still have a primary need to feel that they are loved and valued In a way it is like building bridges that show we are connected even when we have to teach our children right ways and boundaries
Building love bridges with our children
raquo Have welcoming and farewelling rituals
raquo Wink at children make funny faces give them high fives or thumbs up ndash non-verbal messages of connection
raquo Parents can give small symbols to hold onto in their absence like kisses in the childrsquos hands
raquo Create a unique bedtime ritualhellip ldquoI love you more thanhelliprdquo
raquo Send them rainbows when you are away
raquo Create an imaginary giant protectorguardian angel to watch over your child
raquo Have a picture of you with your child in a locket or plastic sleeve they can keep in their bag
raquo Record readable stories or messages on smart phones if yoursquore away
raquo Take small bites out of their toast or a bite out of their sandwich
raquo Leave notes or funny pictures in their lunch box or on the bathroom mirror
raquo Hide special messages around the house when you go away
raquo Spontaneously join them in drawing or colouring in
raquo Join them on the couch randomly to watch their favourite show
raquo Engage in spontaneous hugs cuddles and tickles
raquo Launch a lsquosurprise bedroom attackrsquo (for older children)
Margot Sunderland in her excellent book The Science of Parenting (2007) warns against allowing babies to get to a highly distressed state for more than a short time as all the brain chemicals flood their little brains and their primitive brain response is likened to being abandoned from the tribe and that death is imminent She warns that this type of distress if it happens often can wire a child to be hypersensitive to stress for the rest of their lives and increase the chances of
depression self-harm and addictive behaviours mdash so sensitive is the developing brain of our babies and toddlers They are unable to soothe themselves when they are distressed and need big people especially the big people who love them to help manage these big ugly feelings that frighten them Even the most loving and attentive parents can find crying babies day after day enormously taxing and exhausting especially when they are sleep-deprived themselves For parents without partners this is an especially challenging time The more support parents of new babies can get from either family or community the better
raquo Burping
raquo Swaddling
raquo Riding in car
raquo Singing talking
raquo Rocking swaying
raquo Increase warmth in the room
raquo Playing soft familiar music
raquo Making soothing sounds
raquo Rubbing patting stroking
raquo Rhythmic noise and vibration
raquo Walking with baby in your arms
raquo Body sack or carriage
raquo Gentle baby massage
raquo Warm baths
The best soothing options
mdash Source Licia Rando Caring and Connected Parenting (2010)
Avoiding meltdowns and warsRemember the ONLY 3 Rules that matter
In our home please try NOT to
01 Hurt yourself
02 Hurt others
03 Hurt things in the world around us
Sunderland (2007) lists six triggers for poor behaviour in children
01 Tiredness and hunger
02 An immature brain
03 Unmet psychological needs
04 Intense emotions
05 Parental stress
06 A parenting style that activates the alarm systems in a childrsquos lower brain
A note about older girls and the safe basehellipFor many parents as their daughters approach puberty (and for many girls this is happening quite young) and through their teen years they may notice that their behaviour can become volatile And yet outside the home they may receive reports that their daughter is an angel The thing is our girls need a safe place to vent their big ugly feelings and irrational thoughts and that safe base might just be you Irsquove written a blog about this for teen girls but it is just as relevant for younger girls
Read my article on Helping Girls with Volatile Emotions
A note about older boys and the safe basehellipFor many parents in particular mothers (but often dads too) as their sons approach puberty we can sometimes struggle to understand how the changes they are going through affect their behaviour As a result there is often a mismatch between what a boy does and what we think he has done Irsquove written a blog about this particularly for mums of boys but again the content will be relevant to dads and people who work with boys
Read my article on The One Question Mums of Sons Should Ask
When children are hard work
Babies toddlers and young children have an under-developed prefrontal cortex ndash and adults have mostly a finished executive functioning brain ndash they need us to help them when things get tough
Firstly can we see our children as struggling rather than being lsquobadrsquo or lsquonaughtyrsquo
1 Firstly consider mdash from the childrsquos perspective mdash is there an unmet need
A child may be
raquo wet raquo tired raquo thirsty raquo hungry raquo bored raquo confused
raquo feeling sick or in pain raquo angry or frustrated raquo feeling powerless or weak raquo feeling unsafe or threatened raquo feeling unloved disconnected and invisible raquo feeling that no one cares
2 How can I help meet that need
You might say to your child raquo ldquoWill a hug helprdquo raquo ldquoHere is a drink of water Does that helprdquo raquo ldquoDo you feel sick Let me feel your headrdquo raquo ldquoLetrsquos go outside for a whilerdquo raquo ldquoCan I help you with somethingrdquo raquo ldquoTell me what you need right nowrdquo
Thenhellip Maybe offer a safe base ndash to enable a calming of their amygdala ndash allow some lsquocalm downrsquo time
raquo Kneel nearby and offer a calm kind presence raquo Go sit in a favourite spot ndash comfy chair or couch and hug their favourite soft toy ie to mimic
soothing raquo Take three deep breaths or three big sighs raquo Quietly start singing a favourite nursery rhyme or bedtime ritual song raquo Lay down on the floor nearby and be still and quiet raquo Spray some Bush Flower Essences or Emergency Essence around the room raquo Put on some nature soundscalming music raquo Send them rainbows of love
The Parental PauseChallenging behaviour from children is hard enough Of course when you add serious sleep deprivation lack of caffeine swirling hormones ndash especially for mums ndash and possibly hunger and an unbelievable sense of exhaustion it can be difficult to access your own freaking pre frontal cortex Sometimes you actually ponder as to whether yours has been stolen or maybe you left it somewhere accidentally
Let me reassure you ndash it has not been stolen and you have not left it somewhere You are not a bad person or a useless parent if you feel angry You simply need to master the art of the Parental Pause
What is the Parental Pause
This magical technique is beyond simple and will help you at times of high tension to be the person you wished you could be without hiding in your bedroom and eating a family block of fruit and nut chocolate (technically a form of health food surely)
It works like this
01 You stop moving You ground your feet
02 Gently bend your knees
03 Place your right hand on your heart
04 Take a deep breath Maybe another two deep breaths
05 Then you slowly stand close by or kneel near your child
Be present
Be still
Observe calmly the world through your childrsquos eyes
Inwardly to yourself ndash repeat these words silently ndash
ldquoMy child is not bad or naughty ndash they are just struggling to cope with their world Let me be what they need right now ndash a safe baserdquo
Thatrsquos it
Imagine that you are at a school assembly for one of your older children when your two-year-old says ldquoI want a drink of waterrdquo Maybe you might calmly respond by saying ldquoBabe I canrsquot get you a drink of water right now However I will as soon as this finishesrdquo The two-year-old starts whining and says much louder ldquoI want some water now Mummyrdquo Again you try to placate her by saying ldquoWersquoll just have to wait til this finishesrdquo and the two-year-old starts to lose the plot Sound familiar
John Medina writes in his excellent book Brain Rules (2014 wwwbrainrulesnet) of the work of behaviourist John Gottman According to Gottman one of the best ways to manage a potential meltdown situation ndash especially with a young child who has poor executive function in her upstairs brain ndash is to acknowledge the childrsquos feelings and empathise
So if that two-year-old who is having a meltdown at the school assembly had heard the following words she might have felt heard ldquoBabe you are thirsty and I reckon a big drink of nice cold water would make you feel so much better I wish I had a drink in my bag so that I could give it to you right now and you could drink as much as you likedrdquo
According to Gottman such an empathetic response which helps identify the emotions that are present acts like pouring water onto a flame as it diffuses intense emotional moments Technically this is called lsquocoaching of emotionsrsquo however it can also be called taming the emotions This has to be one of the best secrets that Irsquove found and I have tried it on other peoplersquos children to find it works every time It ticks all the boxes of meaningful adult interaction
in that it is respectful and it is teaching and guiding a childrsquos awareness As the child is heard and validated it seems to soothe the cortisol levels in the childrsquos brain quite quickly So the next time your child pesters you for a biscuit and it is just before dinner try validating that for them ldquoI know you want a biscuit now sweetheart because I know you like biscuits and you are going to feel frustrated and a little angry when I donrsquot get you one because itrsquos just before dinner We can have a biscuit tomorrow when it isnrsquot time for dinnerrdquo
Anxiety amp self-regulationSymptoms of anxiety
raquo Complaints of stomach aches or headaches raquo Sleep problems or difficulty concentrating raquo Behavioural changes such as moodiness a short temper or clinginess raquo Development of a nervous habit such as nail biting raquo Refusal to go to school or getting into trouble at school raquo Avoidance behaviours raquo Arousal heart rate breathing shaky and dizzy raquo Fatigue and exhaustion
Frequently Missed Symptoms of Anxiety
raquo Angry outbursts
raquo Oppositional and refusal behaviours
raquo Temper tantrums
raquo Aggression
raquo Attention seeking behaviours
raquo Hyperactivity and difficulty sitting still
raquo Concentration problems
raquo Scholastic underachievement or excessive resistance to doing work
raquo Frequent visits to school nurse
raquo High number of missed school days
raquo Difficulties with social or peer group
mdash Source Dr Lyn Miller address to The Development of Childrenrsquos Mental Health How Do We Become Who We Are Conference Canada 2012
Sometimes what is seen as misbehaviour is more a stress behaviour Or a sign your child is not coping with their world In the excellent new book on self-regulation Self-Reg How to help your child (and you) break the stress cycle and successfully engage with life by Dr Stuart Shanker with Teresa Barker (2016) we learn much to help us understand stress behaviour
Shanker Self-Regtrade is explained in the following way
bull Self-Reg starts by reframing a childrsquos behaviour and for that matter our own It means seeing the meaning of the childrsquos behaviour maybe for the first time
bull Self-Reg will show you where to stand how to bring your childrsquos behaviour into focus respond to your childrsquos needs and help your child help himself
bull Self-Reg starts with how well we can identify and reduce our own stressors and how we can stay calm and attentive when we interact with a child
mdash Source Stuart Shanker Self-Reg (2016)
The brain and self-regulation
Babies only have a lsquoprimitive brainrsquo and somewhere in the growth over the first years of life they grow the next level of the brain the limbic brain You often hear this referred to as the emotional centre of the brain and basically this system lies underneath our more rational pre-frontal cortex Some of the limbic systemrsquos major structures include the
raquo Amygdala
raquo Hippocampus
raquo Hypothalamus
raquo Striatum
The limbic system is the where our strong emotions and urges come from Think of the meltdowns and temper tantrums over the wrong coloured cup the sandwich cut the wrong way and the apple peeled instead of not
In his book Enriching the Brain (2006) Eric Jensen writes that memories are anchored much more deeply when there are strong emotions present The limbic system plays a part here too That is why powerful scary memories anchor so deeply in the brain alongside those memories that were accompanied by exquisite joy (If you want some ideas about this read my Making Memories That Matter article)
ldquo Love desire fear shame anger and trauma all share a neurological home baserdquo mdash Shanker (2016)
Now we often hear about how stress and especially prolonged distress triggers us to come from our lsquoprimitive brainrsquo ndash so we go into fight flight or freeze mode And this can inhibit our ability to respond from our pre-frontal cortex (which isnrsquot fully formed until wersquore adults) This aspect of our brain which is commonly referred to as our lsquohigherrsquo brain or lsquoexecutive functioningrsquo brain plays a role in managing our emotions planning making decisions deliberating over consequences and guiding our social behaviour and the like
Shanker (2016) writes about how very influential the limbic system in particular the hypothalamus is in regulating everything from our body temperature hunger and thirst heart rate and breathing through to ldquoaspects of hearing speaking mind reading other peoplersquos social and emotional cues parenting and attachment behavioursrdquo
Basically he explains ldquoAll of these different functions are tied to the brainrsquos most primitive response to anything from relatively minor stressors to fullon threats ndash or at least what our limbic system lsquodecidesrsquo is a threat When we can calm that response we begin to bring all of the other self-regulatory processes into syncrdquo
He also refers to new discoveries being made all the time into how being in flightflight mode can switch off certain brain functions including for example how stress impacts on childrenrsquos middle ear muscles and affects their capacity to process speech and hear low-frequency sounds (Shanker 2016)
I am pretty sure that in a moment of conflict a parent would seldom be using low frequency sounds No wonder they canrsquot hear us
I have a video blog on Why boysrsquo behaviour is their language but really this notion applies to all children and as parents and educators we need to be like detectives in looking for clues to determine when a child is stressed and needs support to calm their stress levels
Similar to the symptoms listed above for anxiety stressed children can present in many ways irritable unfocused explosive clingy aggressive quick to anger oppositional overly teary hard to get moving overly sensitivehellip all of these are signs your child may be experiencing a high level of stress
No matter what the triggers for this stress are ndash these children who are often seen as naughty or badly behaved are quite simply not coping with their world The children who are under more stress have less capacity to manage Excess stress drains their energy and then if they meet more challenge that triggers more stress everything can collide together like a perfect storm
I believe that the lsquoschoolificationrsquo of young children is a major contributor to the increase in stress anxiety and a lot of inappropriate behaviour wersquore seeing as many children are struggling to cope
Main sources of stress and anxiety in children raquo Hurried over-scheduled world
raquo Temperaments and personality
raquo Absence of healthy love and attachment
raquo Too much pressure on children to perform
raquo Stressed parents who rush
raquo Not enough calm still quiet solo time
raquo Poor sleep patterns
raquo Too much stimulation from TV toys and adult commands
raquo Not enough consistency and routines
raquo Too much social change or social dislocation
raquo Shaming language
raquo Threats of abuse and violence
raquo Death and loss experiences
An overactive stress response system originating in childhood underlies many mental disorders later in life
raquo Depression
raquo Persistent states of anxiety
raquo Phobias and obsessions
raquo Physical symptoms and illness
raquo Being cut off emotionally
raquo Lethargy and lack of get up and go
raquo Lack of desire and excitement
raquo Lack of spontaneity
Much of the punishment that children receive for poor behaviour can be seen as adding fuel to a smouldering fire Think blaming shaming shouting and hitting ndash these punitive measures are still lingering from the harsh parenting and education practices of the last century especially before the 1970s
If punishment is too harsh a child can simply shut down ndash a serious level of stress survival that can sometimes look like compliance It is actually a sign that the child is highly distressed and can be damaging to your ongoing relationship
The damaging effects of shaming
Shame is the name we give to the overwhelming feeling that we need to crawl under a rock because we see ourselves as unworthy unpleasant unlikeable or reprehensible and because we expect to be judged or rejected accordingly
ldquoShame is like a knife that sharply delineates the limits of love in every culture the warning signal that something we are doing risks us being ostracisedrdquo
mdash Robin Grille Heart to Heart Parenting (2008)
Examples of shaming
raquo Deliberately ignoring a child
raquo Being sarcastic
raquo Walking away as though a child does not exist
raquo Rolling onersquos eyes
raquo Glaring at a child with disgust
raquo Shouting yelling and swearing at a child
We also shame when we say things such as
raquo ldquoYou ought to be ashamed of yourselfrdquo
raquo ldquoYou naughty boyrdquo
raquo ldquoYou are acting like a selfish bratrdquo
raquo ldquoYoursquove been a bad little girlrdquo
raquo ldquoGrow uprdquo
raquo ldquoStop acting like a babyrdquo
raquo ldquoDonrsquot be a sissyrdquo
raquo Girls donrsquot do that sort of thingrdquo
raquo ldquoYoursquore hopelessrdquo
raquo ldquoYoursquore not even tryingrdquo
raquo ldquoWhy canrsquot you be more like your brotherrdquo
raquo What are people going to think
The dynamics of energyUnderpinning this work in self-regulation is the notion that rather than shaming and controlling our children for reacting to stress we can help them learn to self-regulate We do this by supporting them to recognise whatrsquos going on in their bodies and how they can make themselves feel better A lot of this has to do with them (and us) monitoring their energy levels and what might be affecting them
This actually happens from birth Shanker (2016) writes of the ldquointer-brainrdquo which is ldquoa right brain-to-right brain communication channel between the parents and the baby delivered through touch sounds looks and even smellsrdquo
ldquoWe are designed to draw energy from one another and restore energy through one anotherhellip The better we can understand what might be draining a childrsquos energy reserves the better we can tailor our interactions and the choices we make to reduce that strainrdquo
mdash Stuart Shanker Self-Reg (2016)
Further Shanker says most stressors can be broken down to belonging in one of ldquoThe Five Domains of Stress and Self-Regulationrdquo biological emotional cognitive social and pro-social
Each of these domains has various stressors belonging to them and the better we understand those the better we can help to reduce them For example Shanker lists a pro-social stressor as ldquohaving to deal with other peoplersquos strong emotionsrdquo while a biological stressor might be tiredness or a noisy environment We can then look for signs that our child is potentially experiencing one of these stressors (Shanker 2016)
As parents carers and educators by having a greater understanding of these domains ndash stressors can come from more than one at a time ndash we can identify when children are experiencing issues in the various domains and adjust things to reduce the stress
More on self-regulationhellipThrough his work with The Mehrit Centre Dr Stuart Shanker has provided a wealth of excellent free resources on his website for teachers and parents and I would encourage everyone to not only read his new book Self-Reg but to spend some time browsing the site reading about these methods in more detail and using some of the tools provided at home or in your centreclassroom httpsself-regcaself-reg
In particular you may find these infographics helpful
Understanding Stress Behaviour for Parents Understanding Stress Behaviour for Teachers The Five Steps to Self-Regulation (The Shanker Methodtrade)
Becoming a CSI Detective We have to remember that in all interactions with our children maintaining a warm relationship needs to be first priority
Patterns habits routines and structure make the world more predictable and less startling for children I write about why healthy boundaries matter in my 10 resilience building blocks for an important reason
The better a baby and young children can recognise predictable patterns the less frightening and more engaging the world becomes Babies constantly look and listen for patterns all around them With pattern recognition comes the ability to know what yoursquore feeling and to act in an intentional way in your environment ndash it helps all of us anticipate what will happen next without becoming frightened about the uncertainty of the world
Chaos and rigidity are the two most confronting things that can impact our little onersquos lives Having routines and consistency makes the world safer for them and so they are not wasting vital energy figuring out if they are safe or not Always having to focus on survival denies children the capacity to interact in a curious way with the world Children quickly flip to survival brain because their pre frontal cortex is too immature and they will struggle when they donrsquot
understand what they are experiencing or why people are behaving the way they are or when this is too much for them Confusion and uncertainty are the opposite of having patterns and routines
The stronger a child is attached to key caregivers and the more attuned these caregivers are the better the child will navigate the uncertainties they will meet ndash moment by moment This means they will have more energy to explore and seek new things Yes it does take hours and hours of connected interaction to build these predictable pathways ndash this is called scaffolding and is essential to all learning Scaffolding is respectful to our young children because it values the input of the child first rather than something we do with a child
Acknowledging kids positively raquo Smile at them
raquo Wink at them
raquo Say hello using their name
raquo Say ldquoIrsquom glad to see yourdquo
raquo Suggest ldquoLetrsquos go play togetherrdquo
raquo Ask them to show you how to do a puzzle
raquo Give them a pat on the head back
raquo Hug them if appropriate
raquo Ask about their favourite toy
raquo Play a hand or clapping game with them
raquo Hold their hand
raquo Say things like
bull ldquoThank you for helping me clean up the toysrdquo
bull ldquoI noticed you washing your hands after going to the toiletrdquo
bull ldquoI know how hard it is to be patient when you play with othersrdquo
bull ldquoI noticed you using your quiet voice mdash well donerdquo
raquo Sing songs with them especially their favourite ones
raquo Cuddle up and watch ABC Kids with them
raquo Pretend to be an animal
raquo Call them up and say hello
raquo Make them laugh
Communicating compassionately with our children
Communication seems such a simple thing to do however poor communication is one of the key factors underlying conflict in our families We simply misunderstand each other
Being heard
Here are some phrases you might use that let your child know you are really hearing him or her
raquo ldquoLet me put this down so I can give you my full attentionrdquo
raquo ldquoWait a second while I turn off the TVradiocomputer so I can really hear yourdquo
raquo ldquoLetrsquos have some time together nowrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat would you like to do when we have our time together tomorrow afternoonrdquo
raquo ldquoSo what you mean isrdquo
raquo ldquoTell me more about thisrdquo
raquo ldquoIn other wordsrdquo
raquo ldquoLet me see if I understand you so farrdquo
raquo ldquoThat must have beenfor yourdquo
raquo ldquoAre you open to some feedback from merdquo
raquo ldquoNow thatrsquos interestingrdquo
raquo ldquoDoes that feel fair to yourdquo
raquo ldquoTell me what you were hoping to dordquo
raquo ldquoHow can we make this betterrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat do you think needs to happen nowrdquo
raquo ldquoSounds like youwe have a problemrdquo
raquo ldquoWhose problem is thisrdquo
raquo ldquoDoes that feel kind to yourdquo
raquo ldquoThere is a problem here How can I help you to sort it outrdquo
raquo ldquoCheck it out inside Does it feel rightrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat were you trying to do hererdquo
raquo ldquoDo you need my help right now to sort out what is happeningrdquo
raquo ldquoI know you can handle itrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat would you like to do nowrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat would a good friend do nowrdquo
raquo ldquoI noticed thatrdquo
raquo ldquoHaving a go is important mdash we canrsquot all win
Some secrets of positive parental communication
raquo Distraction
raquo Respectful caring requests
raquo Saying ldquoYes mdash Afterrdquo
raquo ldquoItrsquos just the right thing to dordquo
raquo Really listening
raquo Calm down time
Four steps to nurturing the inner genius in your child
1 Pause and become present
2 Ask ldquoDid you do that all by yourselfrdquo
3 Explain why the choice is one you would prefer they didnrsquot make again
4 Have them clean up the mess
Creating a family solution-seeking processldquo90 of childhood misbehaviour is the result of the developmental journeyrdquo
ndash Dr Gordon Neufeld Hold On to Your Kids (2005)
Essentially this means that childrenrsquos behaviour when it does not meet our expectations is not so much wrong or bad it is mainly children being children with a childrsquos mind and depth of experience If a childrsquos behaviour is inconvenient to us as an adult it too is not bad or wrong it is merely a normal part of the developmental journey of growing from child to adult Next time yoursquore frustrated and angry about your childrsquos behaviour pause take a deep breath and see if you can view that behaviour through the eyes of a child
One more thing is consider what we say to ourselves in our mind I so often hear the term lsquoattention seekingrsquo when talking about inappropriate behaviour in children If we could reframe that to ndash lsquolove seeking or connection seekingrsquo our response will be different
Family meetings are a wonderful way to resolve issues affirm values and rules and to connect Read my article on 10 Top Tips for a Successful Family Meeting
More on childrenrsquos anxietyRobin Grille in his book Heart to Heart Parenting (2008) outlines some of the things that are going on in a babyrsquos consciousness that I think are very helpful for is to keep in mind
raquo Babies feel everything far more intensely than do adults
raquo Babies cannot lie put on an act or pretend like older children What you see is what you get mdash complete emotional honesty
raquo Babies cannot plan or think ahead mdash all they do is to react
raquo Babies are incapable of influencing or manipulating anyone
raquo Babies do not understand time
raquo Babies have very little ability to soothe themselves
raquo Babies have no strong defences against pain or sorrow as they do not yet have the fight or flight response
raquo If babies learn that reaching out is rewarding they will become strong communicators able to connect with people more effectively
ldquoLow serotonin levels are a key component in many forms of aggression and violent behaviour Opiods are vital to diminish feelings of fear and stress so deactivation of opiods in parts of the brain leads to increases in negative feelings and stress and decreases in positive feelingsrdquo
mdash Margot Sunderland The Science of Parenting (2007)
Distress (chronic stress)
01 Halves neuron development
02 Reduces effectiveness of the dendrites
03 Reduces brain to lsquosurvivalrsquo mode rather than upper cognitive processing
04 Reduces blood supply to the brain
05 Stimulates emotional meltdowns
06 Impedes immune system
What happens to the body when it enters lsquoflight or fightrsquo state (Distress)
raquo Breathing becomes shallow
raquo The heart rate increases
raquo Blood pressure rises
raquo Adrenaline and cortisol hormones are released into the blood
raquo The senses are heightened
raquo The liver releases stored sugar into the blood
raquo Muscles tense and tighten
raquo Blood flow increases to the brain and major muscles and is constricted to the extremities
mdash Patrice Thomas Stress in Early Childhood (2006)
Calming our children ndash strategies Now that we have looked at many of the symptoms and causes of stress and anxiety I want to focus on ways to help calm our children and our homes classrooms and early years centres This first thing to bear in mind is
ldquoHappy Calm Children Learn Bestrdquo
mdash Daniel Goleman
This quote is so truehellip our children need to be happy and calm to learn at school and at home If they are stressed all their energy and enthusiasm will be diverted to dealing with that stress So letrsquos look at how to support them with this
Herersquos a summary of some of my resources to help your children with anxiety
ArticlesThe Importance of a Go-Slow Childhood 10 Tips to Ease Separation Distress The Invisible Enemy of Anxiety Childhood Stress
AudiosI have several audios to help with anxiety
SafeNSound and Sleepytime are for under 10s and are free from my website
My latest download for anxious children is called Soothing the Frightened Butterflies which costs $5 as a download This can really help build coping and calming strategies for anxious kids
Managing our own stress especially for busy mums is important and that may mean joining a class or group to try yoga tai chi meditation or mindfulness activities or sound relaxation mdash or you can do any of these things when you have some free time in your own home Try my free Moonlight Relaxation for Mums (and mother figures)
Soothing calming and relaxationThe opposite of stress and distress is calmness and feeling relaxed If a child clings to you she is trying to bring down a high body arousal level and high levels of stress chemicals She is trying to activate the positive brain chemicals that activate feelings of wellbeing Research shows that children who have been soothed quickly and frequently tend to become self-soothers and manage stress better (Sunderland 2007) Due to the neuroplasticity of the human brain calmness can be learned at any stage of life
Top tips for soothing Key ways to trigger oxytocin mdash the love neurotransmitter
01 Calm adults
02 Touch and massage mdash especially lsquotickle pointrsquo (high on back mdash stroke gently) Works with children of any age
03 Rocking
04 Sucking
05 Physical comforters mdash soft toys dummies blankets
06 Warmth approx 21 degrees C mdash (or cooling if child has a temperature)
07 Low soothing sounds familiar songs
08 Bathing in warm bath
09 Novelty mdash laughter
10 Avoid overstimulation especially loud voices noises too much chaos and too much change
My top three tips for parents to soothe our childrenrsquos worlds mdash The three lsquoSrsquos
01 Slow down mdash walk slower talk slower do less and allow an extra 15 minutes than you think you need to get children ready for a scheduled event like going to school Ask what you can take out of your life so that you can be a calmer parent especially in the early years mdash avoid wearing too many hats when your children are young
02 Soothe more mdash remember that brain chemicals flood our childrenrsquos brains quite irrationally and chaotically Reassure children that they are valued safe and that mistakes and accidents are normal
03 Create safety mdash is your home child friendly Can your children relax sometimes without being stressed to have your home looking like itrsquos a feature house in a House and Garden magazine Is there somewhere for introverted children to hide from people and the world to fill their energy cup
Parent tips for reducing stress in children
raquo Children benefit from calm quiet spaces in their world
raquo Avoid being rushed and hurried
raquo Use quiet voices with gentle tones
raquo Have regular quiet times in your home when all electronic stuff is turned off
raquo Allow children time just lsquoto bersquo and not always be busy
raquo Children sense their parentsrsquo stress and react to it mdash so reduce your stress
raquo Ensure children have good night sleep patterns
raquo Calmness can be learned mdash do a relaxation activity with them
raquo Avoid too much noise and visual stimulation in homes
raquo Avoid too much exposure to TVs computers smart phones and other electronic games and devices
raquo Create safe home environments with boundaries and routines
raquo Avoid too much significant change in childrenrsquos lives
raquo Avoid pressuring your children
raquo Soothing and reassuring children triggers oxytocin and calms children
mdash Maggie Dent Real Kids in an Unreal World (2nd edition 2016)
How to calm an overloaded nervous system in our homes centres amp classrooms
raquo Calm grown ups
raquo Routines and habits
raquo Silent sound signals
raquo Movement amp relaxation
raquo Calming music
raquo Mindfulness
raquo Low vocal tones
raquo Absorbed play
raquo Quiet corner bean bag
raquo Thinking time
raquo Regular quiet times
raquo Calming audio visualisations
raquo Laughter and lightness
raquo Plenty of nature time
Tips for soothing separation distress
Separation distress or anxiety is very common among children and Sunderland believes this distress can influence children even as old as eight
The changes of environment people routines and the number of other children they are interacting with can all cause spikes in cortisol creating those stress symptoms you might see mdash crying clinging tummy aches refusal to leave your side poor appetite restless sleep and even outbursts and tantrums
Remember this means the lsquodownstairs brainrsquo is registering threat mdash and is acting accordingly Remember too that the key stressor for children is separation from the most significant grownup who is their protector
As a starting point it is useful to explain to kids that new things places and people often make even adults feel those same feelings of being a little unsettled or anxious
Young children usually have strong imaginations and I have found that some small techniques that strengthen the connection to Mum or Dad while they are away from you can help lots
I have shared some of my strategies for dealing with separation anxiety in my article 10 Tips to Ease Separation Distress
Safe touchWhy is safe touch so important in caring relationships
Clinical studies at the American Academy of Paediatrics found that touch therapy helped premature newborn babies to gain weight It also improved asthmatic childrenrsquos breathing assisted in balancing glucose levels for diabetic children and lowered stress levels improving the immune system Researcher Tiffany Field PhD from the Touch Research Institute at the University of Miami believes that ldquotouch is as important to infants and children as eating and sleepingrdquo
Soothing touch triggers positive brain chemicals especially serotonin which quite literally soothes the nervous system of the whole child Other ways to soothe include rocking soothing calm sounds from a safe adult and listening to familiar songs or nursery rhymes
We do need to seriously reconsider the fear-driven perception we have around the safe touch of students A retired principal once told me that a lawyer had spoken to him about the legal perspective of being sued for inappropriate touching You can only be pursued legally if you have touched someone without their approval or consent This did not have to be verbal consent tacit approval was sufficient What this means is that when a child falls over or hurts his or herself and comes running with arms up for a hug we have their tacit approval Common-sense needs to prevail
What needs to happen in our homes and schools to ensure that our children know what safe touch entails is that we must educate our children around body safety and awareness No longer can we hope that a significant grown-up has given them some guidance In our highly sexualised world where explicit images and pornography can be found without even looking for them we must give our children the tools to be able to understand where touch is no longer safe for themselves or for others
How can we build more safe touch in our homes
01 If your young children find their way to your bed in the middle of the night because theyrsquore frightened welcome them immediately If you find it difficult to sleep with a squirming wriggling little one in your bed it is completely okay for one of the grown-ups to go and sleep in their bed (especially if your little one wonrsquot settle back into their bed) The important thing is to soothe the fear or the need to be close first One day you will miss the fact that they no longer turn up for a nightly snuggle
02 Be mindful of gentle touching your children more often ndash a gentle hand on the shoulder holding their hands ruffling their hair non-annoying tickling sitting really closely on the couch being really close when you read stories picking them up and holding them close in a hug secret handshakes and high fives all keep physical intimacy alive and well
03 Help your children to create a list of people they feel are safe to allow them to touch them respectfully We still need to be mindful that even the people in this safe circle need to be respectful of when children give their tacit approval to be held or touched My beautiful two-year-old granddaughter can be slow to warm when we first reconnect and I will always offer her a loving verbal greeting however with no pressure for her to respond equally She is just two and has a long way to go to understand the nuances of human interaction particularly communication Adolescents struggle in a similar way and again it is not a sign of disrespect ndash although it is often seen as that ndash or a sign that they donrsquot care for the people who are trying to communicate to them They also improve with continued growth of the prefrontal cortex
04 Each child will have a certain preference around safe touch Personal space is different for us all Some of our children particularly those with sensory processing disorder (SPD) or who are on the spectrum prefer not to be touched at all Some prefer very vigorous rugby style hugs others non-verbal gestures like a smile a wink or even a gentle nod of your head in their direction Some like to sit all over us ndash and often Some might like a gentle head massage or even a back tickle It can be really helpful when we follow their preferences and we are able to meet that hunger for safe touch
05 There is a special spot high up on the back below the neck (between the shoulders) that is particularly sensitive when touched in a gentle and slow way It has been called the tickle spot
It is a bit like an accelerator button that can trigger serotonin which is a calming brain chemical Sometimes in situations where we can see our children struggling gently stroking this spot can actually help them calm down and feel soothed I have used this spot often in the queue in shopping centres when my lads were starting to get restless
06 The calmer our children are the more receptive they will be to being touched in a loving way Sometimes when they are really stressed and could benefit from loving safe touch they reject it or push it away
07 It can be helpful having a conversation with those who are in your close parenting circle of family or friends about safe touch Tell those who you trust that you encourage safe touch I remember one of my sonrsquos best friends who was dealing with the sudden death of his dad telling my son that my hugs were all soft and squishy and they felt good Personally it took me a long time to be comfortable with other people touching me in a caring way and Irsquom a firm believer in the power of a good hug when itrsquos welcome
08 Sometimes being held with love by a trusted person can say more than any words
Dr Arthur Janov author of The Biology of Love (2000) argues that the absence of loving care early in life causes increased levels of stress for a person The result of this deprivation is high levels of cortisol that change the structure of the brain Brain scans taken of extremely violent young men show huge spaces in the pre-frontal lobe
It only takes one genuinely trustworthy person to use safe touch to reframe how a child sees the world and to reshape how their brains perceive safety and tenderness Our world needs more love kindness and gentleness right now and so let the conversation begin
Sibling conflict a normal part of family lifeldquoThere is no way around it Sibling rivalry is universal After all every human is genetically programmed to protect resources that will help him survive and your children depend on and compete for what are in fact precious resources mdash your time and attention
I found that parenting gets a lot easier when we as parents can do 3 very hard things
1 Regulate our emotions
2 Stay connected with our child even when wersquore setting limits or the child is upset
3 Coach instead of controlling by fostering emotional intelligence guiding with empathetic limits instead of punishment and supporting masteryrdquo
mdash Dr Laura Markham Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life (2015)
Sibling rivalry is indeed one of lifersquos great teachers Indeed it helps us learn how to get along with others It also helps put a bit more sensitivity into our feisty lsquoroosterrsquo children and a bit more lsquoroosterrsquo into our sensitive lambs when parenting children of different temperaments
I have written an article about sibling rivalry that offers more detail on where it comes from rivalry between roosters and lambs and how to manage it and how to turn aggression into awareness Read my article on sibling rivalry
How not to deal with sibling rivalryhellip
According to Dr Laura if we punish or are too permissive with our children around their fighting it only creates more fighting The reason for this is because if we are not demonstrating kindness and fairness to solve the issue our kids will model the same approach Your child will handle conflict the way you show them (Markham 2015)
Our children donrsquot learn to be empathetic compassionate human beings by being punished for sibling rivalry Instead they learn to do things simply to avoid punishment not to be intrinsically caring They donrsquot learn self-discipline (remember the Three Family Rules I wrote about earlier) they learn to use power over each other and it can make them fearful and more likely to be angry and depressed (Markham 2015)
Included in this notion of punishment are lsquotimeoutsrsquo Dr Laura and I are on the same page when it comes to thishellip timeouts can be another way of shaming our kids and disconnecting from the
When my four lads got into conflict I found a much better solution was to send them all outside together for five minutes for ldquoa change of sceneryrdquo Invariably after five minutes they wouldnrsquot bother coming back in because being outside had shifted their mood and they got caught up in a new game
So what does help
The key is to help siblings see the world through their siblingrsquos eyes ndash to show why something is not fair or may be unkind or just plain wrong
My suggestions
raquo Stay calm
raquo Ensure safety of all
raquo Make sense of what is happening
raquo Re-connect to family rules
raquo Avoid making quick judgements
raquo Allow calm down time while being nearby
raquo Connect with all parties in a warm way AFTERWARDS
OR Use a nudge
ldquoA nudge is essentially a means of encouraging or guiding behaviour but without mandating or instructing and ideally without the need for heavy financial incentives or sanctions Sometimes behaviour changes with a surprisingly light touchrdquo
mdash David Halpern Inside the Nudge Unit How small changes can make a big difference (2015)
Basically a nudge is a bit of gentle positive persuasion ndash hints suggestions helpful comments hellip
If you reduce friction a nudge can be a potent way of clearing the path to make it easy for people to do something that they probably already intended to do but had not got around to it
01 Unexpected small reward in private
02 A quiet thank you and a positive touch moment in private
03 Positive noticing
04 Mention good conflict solving at family meeting
05 Let kids hear you tell someone else how great they have been
06 Tell your kids they are smart and can work out ways to sort out conflict themselves
07 Change location when things get a bit lsquoouchyrsquo in a calm and warm way
08 Use lightness and novelty
09 Inspirational images around the house reminding everyone within that lsquolove lives herersquo and reflecting your familyrsquos values
Tips from Dr Laura01 Talk about feelings
02 Ask questions about feelings needs wants and choices
03 Explain and model ndash expect to repeat yourself
04 Practice finding win-win solutions
05 Model lsquoIrsquo statements ldquoI feel hellipBecause I wantneed hellip And I observed that hellip eg I feel worried because I want to get there on time and I see that you arenrsquot ready to leave yet so please put on your shoesrdquo
06 Model pro social behaviour
mdash Dr Laura Markham Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life (2015)
and alsoRead Dr Laurarsquos blog ldquoWhy punishment doesnrsquot teach your child accountabilityrdquo for more on punishment
Read her ldquoWhatrsquos Wrong With Timeoutsrdquo blog to find out why time outs are also not a great response to sibling conflicts
And her Siblings 101 blog has some fantastic tips for turning sibling rivalry around
You can find all of Dr Laura Markhamrsquos helpful blogs and her two Peaceful Parent books at wwwahaparentingcom
Your new role is as an interpreter mdash which is technically emotional coaching
And a few notes on some other dilemmas for anyone raising or working with childrenhellip
Telling liesEveryone tells lies
Some children are often frightened into telling lies
Explain the difference between black lies and white lies
Spend time honouring the truth
Read picture books about honesty ndash Franklin Fibs Aesoprsquos Fables Pig the Pug Fibber
I have done a video blog about when children tell lies so take a few minutes to watch that to hear my suggestions
Watch Telling Lies Blog
You might also be interested in this very interesting article talking about research that suggests children who are subjected to punitive methods of discipline are less likely to be honest
Tsunami of Technology ndash Keeping the Balance
The benefits of technology are a given However there are concerns and we need to be aware of those
Concerns to keep in mind
raquo Posture problems
raquo Learning the lsquoplay codersquo
raquo Impact on human communication amp intimacy
raquo Passivity
raquo Sleep issues
raquo Dopamine receptor changes
raquo Short sightedness
raquo Instant entertainment
raquo Language saturation
raquo Creativity
raquo Boredom
raquo Addictive usage
Recommendations
01 As little as possible under 5
02 Never allow screens in bedroom
03 Have excellent remote parental controls on all devices and PCsApples ndash I recommend you take a look at Family Zone
04 Make sure your children are only able to access Kids YouTube
05 Have clear boundaries especially at night
06 Keep in mind the use mdash educational vs entertainment
07 Best use is when there is interaction with others
08 Have a basket for all hand held screens including parentsrsquo around meal times or other together times
09 Check other parentsrsquo boundaries before allowing children to visit ndash be strong
10 Have techno free times for fun
I have a few articles and resources on screens at my common concerns page on screen time httpswwwmaggiedentcomcommon-concernsscreen-time
As a parent or adult caring for children be mindful of Digital Abandonment
Watch my video blog on Digital Abandonment in Modern Families
I am so impressed with the work being done on the digital dilemma for parents by Dr Kristy Goodwin Please take the time to check out her blog and her excellent book Raising Your Child in a Digital World httpdrkristygoodwincom
REFERENCES Dent M (2014) 9 Things A back-to-basics guide to calm common-sense connected parenting birth-8 Murwillumbah NSW Pennington Publications
Dent M (2016) Real Kids in an Unreal World Building resilience amp self-esteem in todayrsquos children Murwillumbah NSW Pennington Publications
Dent M (2003) Saving Our children from Our Chaotic World Teaching children the magic of silence and stillness Dunsborough WA Pennington Publications
Doidge N (2007) The Brain That Changes Itself Stories of personal triumph from the frontiers of brain science New York Viking
Fuller A (2007) Tricky kids Transforming conflict and freeing their potential Sydney Finch Publishing
Goleman D (1996) Emotional Intelligence Why it can matter more than IQ UK Bloomsbury Publishing
Goodwin K (2016) Raising Your Child in a Digital World Sydney Finch Publishing
Grille R (2008) Heart to Heart Parenting Nurturing your childrsquos emotional intelligence from conception to school age Sydney ABC Books
Grille R (2013) Parenting for a Peaceful World (second edition) Asheville NC Vox Cordis Press
Halpern D (2009) Inside the Nudge Unit How small changes can make a big difference UK WHAllen
Janov A (2000) The Biology of Love New York Prometheus Books
Jensen E (2006) Enriching the Brain San Francisco CA Jossey-Bass
Markham L (2015) Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life New York TarcherPerigree
Neufeld G amp Mateacute G (2005) Hold On to Your Kids Why parents need to matter more than peers New York Ballantine Books
Rando L (2010) Caring and Connected Parenting A guide to raising connected children from birth to 4 years CA USA The Spiritual Alliance to Stop Intimate Violence
Shanker S (2016) (with Teresa Barker) Self-Reg How to help your child (and you) break the stress cycle and successfully engage with life Penguin Press
Siegel D J MD amp Bryson T P PhD (2011) The Whole-Brain Child 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your childrsquos developing mind survive everyday parenting struggles and help your family thrive New York Delacorte Press
Sunderland M (2007) The Science of Parenting How todayrsquos brain research can help you raise happy emotionally balanced children New York DK Publishing
Thomas P (2006) Stress in Early Childhood Helping children and their carers ACT Australia Early Childhood Australia
amp some other good readsNaomi Aldort (2005) Raising Our Children Raising Ourselves
Marcy Axness (2012) Parenting for Peace Raising the next generation of peacemakers
All of Steve Biddulphrsquos books Raising Boys Raising Girls The New Manhood The Secret of Happy Childrenhellip
Breacutene Brown (2013) The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting Raising children with courage compassion amp connection Audio CD
Gary Chapman amp Ross Campbell (2012) The 5 Love Languages of Children
Shelley Davidow (2014) Raising Stress-Proof Kids Parenting todayrsquos children in tomorrowrsquos world
Carol Dweck (2012) Mindset The new psychology of success
Tim Gill (2007) No Fear Growing up in a risk averse society
Peter Gray (2013) Free to Learn Why unleashing the instinct to play will make our children happier more self-reliant and better students for life
Jo Jackson King (2010) Raising the Best Possible Child How to navigate parenting myths and bring up confident happy kids
Janet Lansbury (2014) Elevating Child Care A guide to respectful parenting AND No Bad Kids Toddler discipline without shame
Vanessa LaPointe (2015) Discipline Without Damage How to get your kids to behave without messing them up
Pam Leo (2007) Connection Parenting Parenting through connection instead of coercion through love instead of fear wwwConnectionParentingcom
Richard Louv (2005) Last Child in the Woods Saving our children from nature-deficit disorder
Laura Markham (2012) Peaceful Parent Happy Kids how to stop yelling and start connecting
Rachel Macy Stafford (2014) Hands Free Mama and her new book (2017) Only Love Today
Shefali Tsabary (2014) Out of Control Why disciplining your child doesnrsquot work and what will
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
depression self-harm and addictive behaviours mdash so sensitive is the developing brain of our babies and toddlers They are unable to soothe themselves when they are distressed and need big people especially the big people who love them to help manage these big ugly feelings that frighten them Even the most loving and attentive parents can find crying babies day after day enormously taxing and exhausting especially when they are sleep-deprived themselves For parents without partners this is an especially challenging time The more support parents of new babies can get from either family or community the better
raquo Burping
raquo Swaddling
raquo Riding in car
raquo Singing talking
raquo Rocking swaying
raquo Increase warmth in the room
raquo Playing soft familiar music
raquo Making soothing sounds
raquo Rubbing patting stroking
raquo Rhythmic noise and vibration
raquo Walking with baby in your arms
raquo Body sack or carriage
raquo Gentle baby massage
raquo Warm baths
The best soothing options
mdash Source Licia Rando Caring and Connected Parenting (2010)
Avoiding meltdowns and warsRemember the ONLY 3 Rules that matter
In our home please try NOT to
01 Hurt yourself
02 Hurt others
03 Hurt things in the world around us
Sunderland (2007) lists six triggers for poor behaviour in children
01 Tiredness and hunger
02 An immature brain
03 Unmet psychological needs
04 Intense emotions
05 Parental stress
06 A parenting style that activates the alarm systems in a childrsquos lower brain
A note about older girls and the safe basehellipFor many parents as their daughters approach puberty (and for many girls this is happening quite young) and through their teen years they may notice that their behaviour can become volatile And yet outside the home they may receive reports that their daughter is an angel The thing is our girls need a safe place to vent their big ugly feelings and irrational thoughts and that safe base might just be you Irsquove written a blog about this for teen girls but it is just as relevant for younger girls
Read my article on Helping Girls with Volatile Emotions
A note about older boys and the safe basehellipFor many parents in particular mothers (but often dads too) as their sons approach puberty we can sometimes struggle to understand how the changes they are going through affect their behaviour As a result there is often a mismatch between what a boy does and what we think he has done Irsquove written a blog about this particularly for mums of boys but again the content will be relevant to dads and people who work with boys
Read my article on The One Question Mums of Sons Should Ask
When children are hard work
Babies toddlers and young children have an under-developed prefrontal cortex ndash and adults have mostly a finished executive functioning brain ndash they need us to help them when things get tough
Firstly can we see our children as struggling rather than being lsquobadrsquo or lsquonaughtyrsquo
1 Firstly consider mdash from the childrsquos perspective mdash is there an unmet need
A child may be
raquo wet raquo tired raquo thirsty raquo hungry raquo bored raquo confused
raquo feeling sick or in pain raquo angry or frustrated raquo feeling powerless or weak raquo feeling unsafe or threatened raquo feeling unloved disconnected and invisible raquo feeling that no one cares
2 How can I help meet that need
You might say to your child raquo ldquoWill a hug helprdquo raquo ldquoHere is a drink of water Does that helprdquo raquo ldquoDo you feel sick Let me feel your headrdquo raquo ldquoLetrsquos go outside for a whilerdquo raquo ldquoCan I help you with somethingrdquo raquo ldquoTell me what you need right nowrdquo
Thenhellip Maybe offer a safe base ndash to enable a calming of their amygdala ndash allow some lsquocalm downrsquo time
raquo Kneel nearby and offer a calm kind presence raquo Go sit in a favourite spot ndash comfy chair or couch and hug their favourite soft toy ie to mimic
soothing raquo Take three deep breaths or three big sighs raquo Quietly start singing a favourite nursery rhyme or bedtime ritual song raquo Lay down on the floor nearby and be still and quiet raquo Spray some Bush Flower Essences or Emergency Essence around the room raquo Put on some nature soundscalming music raquo Send them rainbows of love
The Parental PauseChallenging behaviour from children is hard enough Of course when you add serious sleep deprivation lack of caffeine swirling hormones ndash especially for mums ndash and possibly hunger and an unbelievable sense of exhaustion it can be difficult to access your own freaking pre frontal cortex Sometimes you actually ponder as to whether yours has been stolen or maybe you left it somewhere accidentally
Let me reassure you ndash it has not been stolen and you have not left it somewhere You are not a bad person or a useless parent if you feel angry You simply need to master the art of the Parental Pause
What is the Parental Pause
This magical technique is beyond simple and will help you at times of high tension to be the person you wished you could be without hiding in your bedroom and eating a family block of fruit and nut chocolate (technically a form of health food surely)
It works like this
01 You stop moving You ground your feet
02 Gently bend your knees
03 Place your right hand on your heart
04 Take a deep breath Maybe another two deep breaths
05 Then you slowly stand close by or kneel near your child
Be present
Be still
Observe calmly the world through your childrsquos eyes
Inwardly to yourself ndash repeat these words silently ndash
ldquoMy child is not bad or naughty ndash they are just struggling to cope with their world Let me be what they need right now ndash a safe baserdquo
Thatrsquos it
Imagine that you are at a school assembly for one of your older children when your two-year-old says ldquoI want a drink of waterrdquo Maybe you might calmly respond by saying ldquoBabe I canrsquot get you a drink of water right now However I will as soon as this finishesrdquo The two-year-old starts whining and says much louder ldquoI want some water now Mummyrdquo Again you try to placate her by saying ldquoWersquoll just have to wait til this finishesrdquo and the two-year-old starts to lose the plot Sound familiar
John Medina writes in his excellent book Brain Rules (2014 wwwbrainrulesnet) of the work of behaviourist John Gottman According to Gottman one of the best ways to manage a potential meltdown situation ndash especially with a young child who has poor executive function in her upstairs brain ndash is to acknowledge the childrsquos feelings and empathise
So if that two-year-old who is having a meltdown at the school assembly had heard the following words she might have felt heard ldquoBabe you are thirsty and I reckon a big drink of nice cold water would make you feel so much better I wish I had a drink in my bag so that I could give it to you right now and you could drink as much as you likedrdquo
According to Gottman such an empathetic response which helps identify the emotions that are present acts like pouring water onto a flame as it diffuses intense emotional moments Technically this is called lsquocoaching of emotionsrsquo however it can also be called taming the emotions This has to be one of the best secrets that Irsquove found and I have tried it on other peoplersquos children to find it works every time It ticks all the boxes of meaningful adult interaction
in that it is respectful and it is teaching and guiding a childrsquos awareness As the child is heard and validated it seems to soothe the cortisol levels in the childrsquos brain quite quickly So the next time your child pesters you for a biscuit and it is just before dinner try validating that for them ldquoI know you want a biscuit now sweetheart because I know you like biscuits and you are going to feel frustrated and a little angry when I donrsquot get you one because itrsquos just before dinner We can have a biscuit tomorrow when it isnrsquot time for dinnerrdquo
Anxiety amp self-regulationSymptoms of anxiety
raquo Complaints of stomach aches or headaches raquo Sleep problems or difficulty concentrating raquo Behavioural changes such as moodiness a short temper or clinginess raquo Development of a nervous habit such as nail biting raquo Refusal to go to school or getting into trouble at school raquo Avoidance behaviours raquo Arousal heart rate breathing shaky and dizzy raquo Fatigue and exhaustion
Frequently Missed Symptoms of Anxiety
raquo Angry outbursts
raquo Oppositional and refusal behaviours
raquo Temper tantrums
raquo Aggression
raquo Attention seeking behaviours
raquo Hyperactivity and difficulty sitting still
raquo Concentration problems
raquo Scholastic underachievement or excessive resistance to doing work
raquo Frequent visits to school nurse
raquo High number of missed school days
raquo Difficulties with social or peer group
mdash Source Dr Lyn Miller address to The Development of Childrenrsquos Mental Health How Do We Become Who We Are Conference Canada 2012
Sometimes what is seen as misbehaviour is more a stress behaviour Or a sign your child is not coping with their world In the excellent new book on self-regulation Self-Reg How to help your child (and you) break the stress cycle and successfully engage with life by Dr Stuart Shanker with Teresa Barker (2016) we learn much to help us understand stress behaviour
Shanker Self-Regtrade is explained in the following way
bull Self-Reg starts by reframing a childrsquos behaviour and for that matter our own It means seeing the meaning of the childrsquos behaviour maybe for the first time
bull Self-Reg will show you where to stand how to bring your childrsquos behaviour into focus respond to your childrsquos needs and help your child help himself
bull Self-Reg starts with how well we can identify and reduce our own stressors and how we can stay calm and attentive when we interact with a child
mdash Source Stuart Shanker Self-Reg (2016)
The brain and self-regulation
Babies only have a lsquoprimitive brainrsquo and somewhere in the growth over the first years of life they grow the next level of the brain the limbic brain You often hear this referred to as the emotional centre of the brain and basically this system lies underneath our more rational pre-frontal cortex Some of the limbic systemrsquos major structures include the
raquo Amygdala
raquo Hippocampus
raquo Hypothalamus
raquo Striatum
The limbic system is the where our strong emotions and urges come from Think of the meltdowns and temper tantrums over the wrong coloured cup the sandwich cut the wrong way and the apple peeled instead of not
In his book Enriching the Brain (2006) Eric Jensen writes that memories are anchored much more deeply when there are strong emotions present The limbic system plays a part here too That is why powerful scary memories anchor so deeply in the brain alongside those memories that were accompanied by exquisite joy (If you want some ideas about this read my Making Memories That Matter article)
ldquo Love desire fear shame anger and trauma all share a neurological home baserdquo mdash Shanker (2016)
Now we often hear about how stress and especially prolonged distress triggers us to come from our lsquoprimitive brainrsquo ndash so we go into fight flight or freeze mode And this can inhibit our ability to respond from our pre-frontal cortex (which isnrsquot fully formed until wersquore adults) This aspect of our brain which is commonly referred to as our lsquohigherrsquo brain or lsquoexecutive functioningrsquo brain plays a role in managing our emotions planning making decisions deliberating over consequences and guiding our social behaviour and the like
Shanker (2016) writes about how very influential the limbic system in particular the hypothalamus is in regulating everything from our body temperature hunger and thirst heart rate and breathing through to ldquoaspects of hearing speaking mind reading other peoplersquos social and emotional cues parenting and attachment behavioursrdquo
Basically he explains ldquoAll of these different functions are tied to the brainrsquos most primitive response to anything from relatively minor stressors to fullon threats ndash or at least what our limbic system lsquodecidesrsquo is a threat When we can calm that response we begin to bring all of the other self-regulatory processes into syncrdquo
He also refers to new discoveries being made all the time into how being in flightflight mode can switch off certain brain functions including for example how stress impacts on childrenrsquos middle ear muscles and affects their capacity to process speech and hear low-frequency sounds (Shanker 2016)
I am pretty sure that in a moment of conflict a parent would seldom be using low frequency sounds No wonder they canrsquot hear us
I have a video blog on Why boysrsquo behaviour is their language but really this notion applies to all children and as parents and educators we need to be like detectives in looking for clues to determine when a child is stressed and needs support to calm their stress levels
Similar to the symptoms listed above for anxiety stressed children can present in many ways irritable unfocused explosive clingy aggressive quick to anger oppositional overly teary hard to get moving overly sensitivehellip all of these are signs your child may be experiencing a high level of stress
No matter what the triggers for this stress are ndash these children who are often seen as naughty or badly behaved are quite simply not coping with their world The children who are under more stress have less capacity to manage Excess stress drains their energy and then if they meet more challenge that triggers more stress everything can collide together like a perfect storm
I believe that the lsquoschoolificationrsquo of young children is a major contributor to the increase in stress anxiety and a lot of inappropriate behaviour wersquore seeing as many children are struggling to cope
Main sources of stress and anxiety in children raquo Hurried over-scheduled world
raquo Temperaments and personality
raquo Absence of healthy love and attachment
raquo Too much pressure on children to perform
raquo Stressed parents who rush
raquo Not enough calm still quiet solo time
raquo Poor sleep patterns
raquo Too much stimulation from TV toys and adult commands
raquo Not enough consistency and routines
raquo Too much social change or social dislocation
raquo Shaming language
raquo Threats of abuse and violence
raquo Death and loss experiences
An overactive stress response system originating in childhood underlies many mental disorders later in life
raquo Depression
raquo Persistent states of anxiety
raquo Phobias and obsessions
raquo Physical symptoms and illness
raquo Being cut off emotionally
raquo Lethargy and lack of get up and go
raquo Lack of desire and excitement
raquo Lack of spontaneity
Much of the punishment that children receive for poor behaviour can be seen as adding fuel to a smouldering fire Think blaming shaming shouting and hitting ndash these punitive measures are still lingering from the harsh parenting and education practices of the last century especially before the 1970s
If punishment is too harsh a child can simply shut down ndash a serious level of stress survival that can sometimes look like compliance It is actually a sign that the child is highly distressed and can be damaging to your ongoing relationship
The damaging effects of shaming
Shame is the name we give to the overwhelming feeling that we need to crawl under a rock because we see ourselves as unworthy unpleasant unlikeable or reprehensible and because we expect to be judged or rejected accordingly
ldquoShame is like a knife that sharply delineates the limits of love in every culture the warning signal that something we are doing risks us being ostracisedrdquo
mdash Robin Grille Heart to Heart Parenting (2008)
Examples of shaming
raquo Deliberately ignoring a child
raquo Being sarcastic
raquo Walking away as though a child does not exist
raquo Rolling onersquos eyes
raquo Glaring at a child with disgust
raquo Shouting yelling and swearing at a child
We also shame when we say things such as
raquo ldquoYou ought to be ashamed of yourselfrdquo
raquo ldquoYou naughty boyrdquo
raquo ldquoYou are acting like a selfish bratrdquo
raquo ldquoYoursquove been a bad little girlrdquo
raquo ldquoGrow uprdquo
raquo ldquoStop acting like a babyrdquo
raquo ldquoDonrsquot be a sissyrdquo
raquo Girls donrsquot do that sort of thingrdquo
raquo ldquoYoursquore hopelessrdquo
raquo ldquoYoursquore not even tryingrdquo
raquo ldquoWhy canrsquot you be more like your brotherrdquo
raquo What are people going to think
The dynamics of energyUnderpinning this work in self-regulation is the notion that rather than shaming and controlling our children for reacting to stress we can help them learn to self-regulate We do this by supporting them to recognise whatrsquos going on in their bodies and how they can make themselves feel better A lot of this has to do with them (and us) monitoring their energy levels and what might be affecting them
This actually happens from birth Shanker (2016) writes of the ldquointer-brainrdquo which is ldquoa right brain-to-right brain communication channel between the parents and the baby delivered through touch sounds looks and even smellsrdquo
ldquoWe are designed to draw energy from one another and restore energy through one anotherhellip The better we can understand what might be draining a childrsquos energy reserves the better we can tailor our interactions and the choices we make to reduce that strainrdquo
mdash Stuart Shanker Self-Reg (2016)
Further Shanker says most stressors can be broken down to belonging in one of ldquoThe Five Domains of Stress and Self-Regulationrdquo biological emotional cognitive social and pro-social
Each of these domains has various stressors belonging to them and the better we understand those the better we can help to reduce them For example Shanker lists a pro-social stressor as ldquohaving to deal with other peoplersquos strong emotionsrdquo while a biological stressor might be tiredness or a noisy environment We can then look for signs that our child is potentially experiencing one of these stressors (Shanker 2016)
As parents carers and educators by having a greater understanding of these domains ndash stressors can come from more than one at a time ndash we can identify when children are experiencing issues in the various domains and adjust things to reduce the stress
More on self-regulationhellipThrough his work with The Mehrit Centre Dr Stuart Shanker has provided a wealth of excellent free resources on his website for teachers and parents and I would encourage everyone to not only read his new book Self-Reg but to spend some time browsing the site reading about these methods in more detail and using some of the tools provided at home or in your centreclassroom httpsself-regcaself-reg
In particular you may find these infographics helpful
Understanding Stress Behaviour for Parents Understanding Stress Behaviour for Teachers The Five Steps to Self-Regulation (The Shanker Methodtrade)
Becoming a CSI Detective We have to remember that in all interactions with our children maintaining a warm relationship needs to be first priority
Patterns habits routines and structure make the world more predictable and less startling for children I write about why healthy boundaries matter in my 10 resilience building blocks for an important reason
The better a baby and young children can recognise predictable patterns the less frightening and more engaging the world becomes Babies constantly look and listen for patterns all around them With pattern recognition comes the ability to know what yoursquore feeling and to act in an intentional way in your environment ndash it helps all of us anticipate what will happen next without becoming frightened about the uncertainty of the world
Chaos and rigidity are the two most confronting things that can impact our little onersquos lives Having routines and consistency makes the world safer for them and so they are not wasting vital energy figuring out if they are safe or not Always having to focus on survival denies children the capacity to interact in a curious way with the world Children quickly flip to survival brain because their pre frontal cortex is too immature and they will struggle when they donrsquot
understand what they are experiencing or why people are behaving the way they are or when this is too much for them Confusion and uncertainty are the opposite of having patterns and routines
The stronger a child is attached to key caregivers and the more attuned these caregivers are the better the child will navigate the uncertainties they will meet ndash moment by moment This means they will have more energy to explore and seek new things Yes it does take hours and hours of connected interaction to build these predictable pathways ndash this is called scaffolding and is essential to all learning Scaffolding is respectful to our young children because it values the input of the child first rather than something we do with a child
Acknowledging kids positively raquo Smile at them
raquo Wink at them
raquo Say hello using their name
raquo Say ldquoIrsquom glad to see yourdquo
raquo Suggest ldquoLetrsquos go play togetherrdquo
raquo Ask them to show you how to do a puzzle
raquo Give them a pat on the head back
raquo Hug them if appropriate
raquo Ask about their favourite toy
raquo Play a hand or clapping game with them
raquo Hold their hand
raquo Say things like
bull ldquoThank you for helping me clean up the toysrdquo
bull ldquoI noticed you washing your hands after going to the toiletrdquo
bull ldquoI know how hard it is to be patient when you play with othersrdquo
bull ldquoI noticed you using your quiet voice mdash well donerdquo
raquo Sing songs with them especially their favourite ones
raquo Cuddle up and watch ABC Kids with them
raquo Pretend to be an animal
raquo Call them up and say hello
raquo Make them laugh
Communicating compassionately with our children
Communication seems such a simple thing to do however poor communication is one of the key factors underlying conflict in our families We simply misunderstand each other
Being heard
Here are some phrases you might use that let your child know you are really hearing him or her
raquo ldquoLet me put this down so I can give you my full attentionrdquo
raquo ldquoWait a second while I turn off the TVradiocomputer so I can really hear yourdquo
raquo ldquoLetrsquos have some time together nowrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat would you like to do when we have our time together tomorrow afternoonrdquo
raquo ldquoSo what you mean isrdquo
raquo ldquoTell me more about thisrdquo
raquo ldquoIn other wordsrdquo
raquo ldquoLet me see if I understand you so farrdquo
raquo ldquoThat must have beenfor yourdquo
raquo ldquoAre you open to some feedback from merdquo
raquo ldquoNow thatrsquos interestingrdquo
raquo ldquoDoes that feel fair to yourdquo
raquo ldquoTell me what you were hoping to dordquo
raquo ldquoHow can we make this betterrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat do you think needs to happen nowrdquo
raquo ldquoSounds like youwe have a problemrdquo
raquo ldquoWhose problem is thisrdquo
raquo ldquoDoes that feel kind to yourdquo
raquo ldquoThere is a problem here How can I help you to sort it outrdquo
raquo ldquoCheck it out inside Does it feel rightrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat were you trying to do hererdquo
raquo ldquoDo you need my help right now to sort out what is happeningrdquo
raquo ldquoI know you can handle itrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat would you like to do nowrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat would a good friend do nowrdquo
raquo ldquoI noticed thatrdquo
raquo ldquoHaving a go is important mdash we canrsquot all win
Some secrets of positive parental communication
raquo Distraction
raquo Respectful caring requests
raquo Saying ldquoYes mdash Afterrdquo
raquo ldquoItrsquos just the right thing to dordquo
raquo Really listening
raquo Calm down time
Four steps to nurturing the inner genius in your child
1 Pause and become present
2 Ask ldquoDid you do that all by yourselfrdquo
3 Explain why the choice is one you would prefer they didnrsquot make again
4 Have them clean up the mess
Creating a family solution-seeking processldquo90 of childhood misbehaviour is the result of the developmental journeyrdquo
ndash Dr Gordon Neufeld Hold On to Your Kids (2005)
Essentially this means that childrenrsquos behaviour when it does not meet our expectations is not so much wrong or bad it is mainly children being children with a childrsquos mind and depth of experience If a childrsquos behaviour is inconvenient to us as an adult it too is not bad or wrong it is merely a normal part of the developmental journey of growing from child to adult Next time yoursquore frustrated and angry about your childrsquos behaviour pause take a deep breath and see if you can view that behaviour through the eyes of a child
One more thing is consider what we say to ourselves in our mind I so often hear the term lsquoattention seekingrsquo when talking about inappropriate behaviour in children If we could reframe that to ndash lsquolove seeking or connection seekingrsquo our response will be different
Family meetings are a wonderful way to resolve issues affirm values and rules and to connect Read my article on 10 Top Tips for a Successful Family Meeting
More on childrenrsquos anxietyRobin Grille in his book Heart to Heart Parenting (2008) outlines some of the things that are going on in a babyrsquos consciousness that I think are very helpful for is to keep in mind
raquo Babies feel everything far more intensely than do adults
raquo Babies cannot lie put on an act or pretend like older children What you see is what you get mdash complete emotional honesty
raquo Babies cannot plan or think ahead mdash all they do is to react
raquo Babies are incapable of influencing or manipulating anyone
raquo Babies do not understand time
raquo Babies have very little ability to soothe themselves
raquo Babies have no strong defences against pain or sorrow as they do not yet have the fight or flight response
raquo If babies learn that reaching out is rewarding they will become strong communicators able to connect with people more effectively
ldquoLow serotonin levels are a key component in many forms of aggression and violent behaviour Opiods are vital to diminish feelings of fear and stress so deactivation of opiods in parts of the brain leads to increases in negative feelings and stress and decreases in positive feelingsrdquo
mdash Margot Sunderland The Science of Parenting (2007)
Distress (chronic stress)
01 Halves neuron development
02 Reduces effectiveness of the dendrites
03 Reduces brain to lsquosurvivalrsquo mode rather than upper cognitive processing
04 Reduces blood supply to the brain
05 Stimulates emotional meltdowns
06 Impedes immune system
What happens to the body when it enters lsquoflight or fightrsquo state (Distress)
raquo Breathing becomes shallow
raquo The heart rate increases
raquo Blood pressure rises
raquo Adrenaline and cortisol hormones are released into the blood
raquo The senses are heightened
raquo The liver releases stored sugar into the blood
raquo Muscles tense and tighten
raquo Blood flow increases to the brain and major muscles and is constricted to the extremities
mdash Patrice Thomas Stress in Early Childhood (2006)
Calming our children ndash strategies Now that we have looked at many of the symptoms and causes of stress and anxiety I want to focus on ways to help calm our children and our homes classrooms and early years centres This first thing to bear in mind is
ldquoHappy Calm Children Learn Bestrdquo
mdash Daniel Goleman
This quote is so truehellip our children need to be happy and calm to learn at school and at home If they are stressed all their energy and enthusiasm will be diverted to dealing with that stress So letrsquos look at how to support them with this
Herersquos a summary of some of my resources to help your children with anxiety
ArticlesThe Importance of a Go-Slow Childhood 10 Tips to Ease Separation Distress The Invisible Enemy of Anxiety Childhood Stress
AudiosI have several audios to help with anxiety
SafeNSound and Sleepytime are for under 10s and are free from my website
My latest download for anxious children is called Soothing the Frightened Butterflies which costs $5 as a download This can really help build coping and calming strategies for anxious kids
Managing our own stress especially for busy mums is important and that may mean joining a class or group to try yoga tai chi meditation or mindfulness activities or sound relaxation mdash or you can do any of these things when you have some free time in your own home Try my free Moonlight Relaxation for Mums (and mother figures)
Soothing calming and relaxationThe opposite of stress and distress is calmness and feeling relaxed If a child clings to you she is trying to bring down a high body arousal level and high levels of stress chemicals She is trying to activate the positive brain chemicals that activate feelings of wellbeing Research shows that children who have been soothed quickly and frequently tend to become self-soothers and manage stress better (Sunderland 2007) Due to the neuroplasticity of the human brain calmness can be learned at any stage of life
Top tips for soothing Key ways to trigger oxytocin mdash the love neurotransmitter
01 Calm adults
02 Touch and massage mdash especially lsquotickle pointrsquo (high on back mdash stroke gently) Works with children of any age
03 Rocking
04 Sucking
05 Physical comforters mdash soft toys dummies blankets
06 Warmth approx 21 degrees C mdash (or cooling if child has a temperature)
07 Low soothing sounds familiar songs
08 Bathing in warm bath
09 Novelty mdash laughter
10 Avoid overstimulation especially loud voices noises too much chaos and too much change
My top three tips for parents to soothe our childrenrsquos worlds mdash The three lsquoSrsquos
01 Slow down mdash walk slower talk slower do less and allow an extra 15 minutes than you think you need to get children ready for a scheduled event like going to school Ask what you can take out of your life so that you can be a calmer parent especially in the early years mdash avoid wearing too many hats when your children are young
02 Soothe more mdash remember that brain chemicals flood our childrenrsquos brains quite irrationally and chaotically Reassure children that they are valued safe and that mistakes and accidents are normal
03 Create safety mdash is your home child friendly Can your children relax sometimes without being stressed to have your home looking like itrsquos a feature house in a House and Garden magazine Is there somewhere for introverted children to hide from people and the world to fill their energy cup
Parent tips for reducing stress in children
raquo Children benefit from calm quiet spaces in their world
raquo Avoid being rushed and hurried
raquo Use quiet voices with gentle tones
raquo Have regular quiet times in your home when all electronic stuff is turned off
raquo Allow children time just lsquoto bersquo and not always be busy
raquo Children sense their parentsrsquo stress and react to it mdash so reduce your stress
raquo Ensure children have good night sleep patterns
raquo Calmness can be learned mdash do a relaxation activity with them
raquo Avoid too much noise and visual stimulation in homes
raquo Avoid too much exposure to TVs computers smart phones and other electronic games and devices
raquo Create safe home environments with boundaries and routines
raquo Avoid too much significant change in childrenrsquos lives
raquo Avoid pressuring your children
raquo Soothing and reassuring children triggers oxytocin and calms children
mdash Maggie Dent Real Kids in an Unreal World (2nd edition 2016)
How to calm an overloaded nervous system in our homes centres amp classrooms
raquo Calm grown ups
raquo Routines and habits
raquo Silent sound signals
raquo Movement amp relaxation
raquo Calming music
raquo Mindfulness
raquo Low vocal tones
raquo Absorbed play
raquo Quiet corner bean bag
raquo Thinking time
raquo Regular quiet times
raquo Calming audio visualisations
raquo Laughter and lightness
raquo Plenty of nature time
Tips for soothing separation distress
Separation distress or anxiety is very common among children and Sunderland believes this distress can influence children even as old as eight
The changes of environment people routines and the number of other children they are interacting with can all cause spikes in cortisol creating those stress symptoms you might see mdash crying clinging tummy aches refusal to leave your side poor appetite restless sleep and even outbursts and tantrums
Remember this means the lsquodownstairs brainrsquo is registering threat mdash and is acting accordingly Remember too that the key stressor for children is separation from the most significant grownup who is their protector
As a starting point it is useful to explain to kids that new things places and people often make even adults feel those same feelings of being a little unsettled or anxious
Young children usually have strong imaginations and I have found that some small techniques that strengthen the connection to Mum or Dad while they are away from you can help lots
I have shared some of my strategies for dealing with separation anxiety in my article 10 Tips to Ease Separation Distress
Safe touchWhy is safe touch so important in caring relationships
Clinical studies at the American Academy of Paediatrics found that touch therapy helped premature newborn babies to gain weight It also improved asthmatic childrenrsquos breathing assisted in balancing glucose levels for diabetic children and lowered stress levels improving the immune system Researcher Tiffany Field PhD from the Touch Research Institute at the University of Miami believes that ldquotouch is as important to infants and children as eating and sleepingrdquo
Soothing touch triggers positive brain chemicals especially serotonin which quite literally soothes the nervous system of the whole child Other ways to soothe include rocking soothing calm sounds from a safe adult and listening to familiar songs or nursery rhymes
We do need to seriously reconsider the fear-driven perception we have around the safe touch of students A retired principal once told me that a lawyer had spoken to him about the legal perspective of being sued for inappropriate touching You can only be pursued legally if you have touched someone without their approval or consent This did not have to be verbal consent tacit approval was sufficient What this means is that when a child falls over or hurts his or herself and comes running with arms up for a hug we have their tacit approval Common-sense needs to prevail
What needs to happen in our homes and schools to ensure that our children know what safe touch entails is that we must educate our children around body safety and awareness No longer can we hope that a significant grown-up has given them some guidance In our highly sexualised world where explicit images and pornography can be found without even looking for them we must give our children the tools to be able to understand where touch is no longer safe for themselves or for others
How can we build more safe touch in our homes
01 If your young children find their way to your bed in the middle of the night because theyrsquore frightened welcome them immediately If you find it difficult to sleep with a squirming wriggling little one in your bed it is completely okay for one of the grown-ups to go and sleep in their bed (especially if your little one wonrsquot settle back into their bed) The important thing is to soothe the fear or the need to be close first One day you will miss the fact that they no longer turn up for a nightly snuggle
02 Be mindful of gentle touching your children more often ndash a gentle hand on the shoulder holding their hands ruffling their hair non-annoying tickling sitting really closely on the couch being really close when you read stories picking them up and holding them close in a hug secret handshakes and high fives all keep physical intimacy alive and well
03 Help your children to create a list of people they feel are safe to allow them to touch them respectfully We still need to be mindful that even the people in this safe circle need to be respectful of when children give their tacit approval to be held or touched My beautiful two-year-old granddaughter can be slow to warm when we first reconnect and I will always offer her a loving verbal greeting however with no pressure for her to respond equally She is just two and has a long way to go to understand the nuances of human interaction particularly communication Adolescents struggle in a similar way and again it is not a sign of disrespect ndash although it is often seen as that ndash or a sign that they donrsquot care for the people who are trying to communicate to them They also improve with continued growth of the prefrontal cortex
04 Each child will have a certain preference around safe touch Personal space is different for us all Some of our children particularly those with sensory processing disorder (SPD) or who are on the spectrum prefer not to be touched at all Some prefer very vigorous rugby style hugs others non-verbal gestures like a smile a wink or even a gentle nod of your head in their direction Some like to sit all over us ndash and often Some might like a gentle head massage or even a back tickle It can be really helpful when we follow their preferences and we are able to meet that hunger for safe touch
05 There is a special spot high up on the back below the neck (between the shoulders) that is particularly sensitive when touched in a gentle and slow way It has been called the tickle spot
It is a bit like an accelerator button that can trigger serotonin which is a calming brain chemical Sometimes in situations where we can see our children struggling gently stroking this spot can actually help them calm down and feel soothed I have used this spot often in the queue in shopping centres when my lads were starting to get restless
06 The calmer our children are the more receptive they will be to being touched in a loving way Sometimes when they are really stressed and could benefit from loving safe touch they reject it or push it away
07 It can be helpful having a conversation with those who are in your close parenting circle of family or friends about safe touch Tell those who you trust that you encourage safe touch I remember one of my sonrsquos best friends who was dealing with the sudden death of his dad telling my son that my hugs were all soft and squishy and they felt good Personally it took me a long time to be comfortable with other people touching me in a caring way and Irsquom a firm believer in the power of a good hug when itrsquos welcome
08 Sometimes being held with love by a trusted person can say more than any words
Dr Arthur Janov author of The Biology of Love (2000) argues that the absence of loving care early in life causes increased levels of stress for a person The result of this deprivation is high levels of cortisol that change the structure of the brain Brain scans taken of extremely violent young men show huge spaces in the pre-frontal lobe
It only takes one genuinely trustworthy person to use safe touch to reframe how a child sees the world and to reshape how their brains perceive safety and tenderness Our world needs more love kindness and gentleness right now and so let the conversation begin
Sibling conflict a normal part of family lifeldquoThere is no way around it Sibling rivalry is universal After all every human is genetically programmed to protect resources that will help him survive and your children depend on and compete for what are in fact precious resources mdash your time and attention
I found that parenting gets a lot easier when we as parents can do 3 very hard things
1 Regulate our emotions
2 Stay connected with our child even when wersquore setting limits or the child is upset
3 Coach instead of controlling by fostering emotional intelligence guiding with empathetic limits instead of punishment and supporting masteryrdquo
mdash Dr Laura Markham Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life (2015)
Sibling rivalry is indeed one of lifersquos great teachers Indeed it helps us learn how to get along with others It also helps put a bit more sensitivity into our feisty lsquoroosterrsquo children and a bit more lsquoroosterrsquo into our sensitive lambs when parenting children of different temperaments
I have written an article about sibling rivalry that offers more detail on where it comes from rivalry between roosters and lambs and how to manage it and how to turn aggression into awareness Read my article on sibling rivalry
How not to deal with sibling rivalryhellip
According to Dr Laura if we punish or are too permissive with our children around their fighting it only creates more fighting The reason for this is because if we are not demonstrating kindness and fairness to solve the issue our kids will model the same approach Your child will handle conflict the way you show them (Markham 2015)
Our children donrsquot learn to be empathetic compassionate human beings by being punished for sibling rivalry Instead they learn to do things simply to avoid punishment not to be intrinsically caring They donrsquot learn self-discipline (remember the Three Family Rules I wrote about earlier) they learn to use power over each other and it can make them fearful and more likely to be angry and depressed (Markham 2015)
Included in this notion of punishment are lsquotimeoutsrsquo Dr Laura and I are on the same page when it comes to thishellip timeouts can be another way of shaming our kids and disconnecting from the
When my four lads got into conflict I found a much better solution was to send them all outside together for five minutes for ldquoa change of sceneryrdquo Invariably after five minutes they wouldnrsquot bother coming back in because being outside had shifted their mood and they got caught up in a new game
So what does help
The key is to help siblings see the world through their siblingrsquos eyes ndash to show why something is not fair or may be unkind or just plain wrong
My suggestions
raquo Stay calm
raquo Ensure safety of all
raquo Make sense of what is happening
raquo Re-connect to family rules
raquo Avoid making quick judgements
raquo Allow calm down time while being nearby
raquo Connect with all parties in a warm way AFTERWARDS
OR Use a nudge
ldquoA nudge is essentially a means of encouraging or guiding behaviour but without mandating or instructing and ideally without the need for heavy financial incentives or sanctions Sometimes behaviour changes with a surprisingly light touchrdquo
mdash David Halpern Inside the Nudge Unit How small changes can make a big difference (2015)
Basically a nudge is a bit of gentle positive persuasion ndash hints suggestions helpful comments hellip
If you reduce friction a nudge can be a potent way of clearing the path to make it easy for people to do something that they probably already intended to do but had not got around to it
01 Unexpected small reward in private
02 A quiet thank you and a positive touch moment in private
03 Positive noticing
04 Mention good conflict solving at family meeting
05 Let kids hear you tell someone else how great they have been
06 Tell your kids they are smart and can work out ways to sort out conflict themselves
07 Change location when things get a bit lsquoouchyrsquo in a calm and warm way
08 Use lightness and novelty
09 Inspirational images around the house reminding everyone within that lsquolove lives herersquo and reflecting your familyrsquos values
Tips from Dr Laura01 Talk about feelings
02 Ask questions about feelings needs wants and choices
03 Explain and model ndash expect to repeat yourself
04 Practice finding win-win solutions
05 Model lsquoIrsquo statements ldquoI feel hellipBecause I wantneed hellip And I observed that hellip eg I feel worried because I want to get there on time and I see that you arenrsquot ready to leave yet so please put on your shoesrdquo
06 Model pro social behaviour
mdash Dr Laura Markham Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life (2015)
and alsoRead Dr Laurarsquos blog ldquoWhy punishment doesnrsquot teach your child accountabilityrdquo for more on punishment
Read her ldquoWhatrsquos Wrong With Timeoutsrdquo blog to find out why time outs are also not a great response to sibling conflicts
And her Siblings 101 blog has some fantastic tips for turning sibling rivalry around
You can find all of Dr Laura Markhamrsquos helpful blogs and her two Peaceful Parent books at wwwahaparentingcom
Your new role is as an interpreter mdash which is technically emotional coaching
And a few notes on some other dilemmas for anyone raising or working with childrenhellip
Telling liesEveryone tells lies
Some children are often frightened into telling lies
Explain the difference between black lies and white lies
Spend time honouring the truth
Read picture books about honesty ndash Franklin Fibs Aesoprsquos Fables Pig the Pug Fibber
I have done a video blog about when children tell lies so take a few minutes to watch that to hear my suggestions
Watch Telling Lies Blog
You might also be interested in this very interesting article talking about research that suggests children who are subjected to punitive methods of discipline are less likely to be honest
Tsunami of Technology ndash Keeping the Balance
The benefits of technology are a given However there are concerns and we need to be aware of those
Concerns to keep in mind
raquo Posture problems
raquo Learning the lsquoplay codersquo
raquo Impact on human communication amp intimacy
raquo Passivity
raquo Sleep issues
raquo Dopamine receptor changes
raquo Short sightedness
raquo Instant entertainment
raquo Language saturation
raquo Creativity
raquo Boredom
raquo Addictive usage
Recommendations
01 As little as possible under 5
02 Never allow screens in bedroom
03 Have excellent remote parental controls on all devices and PCsApples ndash I recommend you take a look at Family Zone
04 Make sure your children are only able to access Kids YouTube
05 Have clear boundaries especially at night
06 Keep in mind the use mdash educational vs entertainment
07 Best use is when there is interaction with others
08 Have a basket for all hand held screens including parentsrsquo around meal times or other together times
09 Check other parentsrsquo boundaries before allowing children to visit ndash be strong
10 Have techno free times for fun
I have a few articles and resources on screens at my common concerns page on screen time httpswwwmaggiedentcomcommon-concernsscreen-time
As a parent or adult caring for children be mindful of Digital Abandonment
Watch my video blog on Digital Abandonment in Modern Families
I am so impressed with the work being done on the digital dilemma for parents by Dr Kristy Goodwin Please take the time to check out her blog and her excellent book Raising Your Child in a Digital World httpdrkristygoodwincom
REFERENCES Dent M (2014) 9 Things A back-to-basics guide to calm common-sense connected parenting birth-8 Murwillumbah NSW Pennington Publications
Dent M (2016) Real Kids in an Unreal World Building resilience amp self-esteem in todayrsquos children Murwillumbah NSW Pennington Publications
Dent M (2003) Saving Our children from Our Chaotic World Teaching children the magic of silence and stillness Dunsborough WA Pennington Publications
Doidge N (2007) The Brain That Changes Itself Stories of personal triumph from the frontiers of brain science New York Viking
Fuller A (2007) Tricky kids Transforming conflict and freeing their potential Sydney Finch Publishing
Goleman D (1996) Emotional Intelligence Why it can matter more than IQ UK Bloomsbury Publishing
Goodwin K (2016) Raising Your Child in a Digital World Sydney Finch Publishing
Grille R (2008) Heart to Heart Parenting Nurturing your childrsquos emotional intelligence from conception to school age Sydney ABC Books
Grille R (2013) Parenting for a Peaceful World (second edition) Asheville NC Vox Cordis Press
Halpern D (2009) Inside the Nudge Unit How small changes can make a big difference UK WHAllen
Janov A (2000) The Biology of Love New York Prometheus Books
Jensen E (2006) Enriching the Brain San Francisco CA Jossey-Bass
Markham L (2015) Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life New York TarcherPerigree
Neufeld G amp Mateacute G (2005) Hold On to Your Kids Why parents need to matter more than peers New York Ballantine Books
Rando L (2010) Caring and Connected Parenting A guide to raising connected children from birth to 4 years CA USA The Spiritual Alliance to Stop Intimate Violence
Shanker S (2016) (with Teresa Barker) Self-Reg How to help your child (and you) break the stress cycle and successfully engage with life Penguin Press
Siegel D J MD amp Bryson T P PhD (2011) The Whole-Brain Child 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your childrsquos developing mind survive everyday parenting struggles and help your family thrive New York Delacorte Press
Sunderland M (2007) The Science of Parenting How todayrsquos brain research can help you raise happy emotionally balanced children New York DK Publishing
Thomas P (2006) Stress in Early Childhood Helping children and their carers ACT Australia Early Childhood Australia
amp some other good readsNaomi Aldort (2005) Raising Our Children Raising Ourselves
Marcy Axness (2012) Parenting for Peace Raising the next generation of peacemakers
All of Steve Biddulphrsquos books Raising Boys Raising Girls The New Manhood The Secret of Happy Childrenhellip
Breacutene Brown (2013) The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting Raising children with courage compassion amp connection Audio CD
Gary Chapman amp Ross Campbell (2012) The 5 Love Languages of Children
Shelley Davidow (2014) Raising Stress-Proof Kids Parenting todayrsquos children in tomorrowrsquos world
Carol Dweck (2012) Mindset The new psychology of success
Tim Gill (2007) No Fear Growing up in a risk averse society
Peter Gray (2013) Free to Learn Why unleashing the instinct to play will make our children happier more self-reliant and better students for life
Jo Jackson King (2010) Raising the Best Possible Child How to navigate parenting myths and bring up confident happy kids
Janet Lansbury (2014) Elevating Child Care A guide to respectful parenting AND No Bad Kids Toddler discipline without shame
Vanessa LaPointe (2015) Discipline Without Damage How to get your kids to behave without messing them up
Pam Leo (2007) Connection Parenting Parenting through connection instead of coercion through love instead of fear wwwConnectionParentingcom
Richard Louv (2005) Last Child in the Woods Saving our children from nature-deficit disorder
Laura Markham (2012) Peaceful Parent Happy Kids how to stop yelling and start connecting
Rachel Macy Stafford (2014) Hands Free Mama and her new book (2017) Only Love Today
Shefali Tsabary (2014) Out of Control Why disciplining your child doesnrsquot work and what will
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
Avoiding meltdowns and warsRemember the ONLY 3 Rules that matter
In our home please try NOT to
01 Hurt yourself
02 Hurt others
03 Hurt things in the world around us
Sunderland (2007) lists six triggers for poor behaviour in children
01 Tiredness and hunger
02 An immature brain
03 Unmet psychological needs
04 Intense emotions
05 Parental stress
06 A parenting style that activates the alarm systems in a childrsquos lower brain
A note about older girls and the safe basehellipFor many parents as their daughters approach puberty (and for many girls this is happening quite young) and through their teen years they may notice that their behaviour can become volatile And yet outside the home they may receive reports that their daughter is an angel The thing is our girls need a safe place to vent their big ugly feelings and irrational thoughts and that safe base might just be you Irsquove written a blog about this for teen girls but it is just as relevant for younger girls
Read my article on Helping Girls with Volatile Emotions
A note about older boys and the safe basehellipFor many parents in particular mothers (but often dads too) as their sons approach puberty we can sometimes struggle to understand how the changes they are going through affect their behaviour As a result there is often a mismatch between what a boy does and what we think he has done Irsquove written a blog about this particularly for mums of boys but again the content will be relevant to dads and people who work with boys
Read my article on The One Question Mums of Sons Should Ask
When children are hard work
Babies toddlers and young children have an under-developed prefrontal cortex ndash and adults have mostly a finished executive functioning brain ndash they need us to help them when things get tough
Firstly can we see our children as struggling rather than being lsquobadrsquo or lsquonaughtyrsquo
1 Firstly consider mdash from the childrsquos perspective mdash is there an unmet need
A child may be
raquo wet raquo tired raquo thirsty raquo hungry raquo bored raquo confused
raquo feeling sick or in pain raquo angry or frustrated raquo feeling powerless or weak raquo feeling unsafe or threatened raquo feeling unloved disconnected and invisible raquo feeling that no one cares
2 How can I help meet that need
You might say to your child raquo ldquoWill a hug helprdquo raquo ldquoHere is a drink of water Does that helprdquo raquo ldquoDo you feel sick Let me feel your headrdquo raquo ldquoLetrsquos go outside for a whilerdquo raquo ldquoCan I help you with somethingrdquo raquo ldquoTell me what you need right nowrdquo
Thenhellip Maybe offer a safe base ndash to enable a calming of their amygdala ndash allow some lsquocalm downrsquo time
raquo Kneel nearby and offer a calm kind presence raquo Go sit in a favourite spot ndash comfy chair or couch and hug their favourite soft toy ie to mimic
soothing raquo Take three deep breaths or three big sighs raquo Quietly start singing a favourite nursery rhyme or bedtime ritual song raquo Lay down on the floor nearby and be still and quiet raquo Spray some Bush Flower Essences or Emergency Essence around the room raquo Put on some nature soundscalming music raquo Send them rainbows of love
The Parental PauseChallenging behaviour from children is hard enough Of course when you add serious sleep deprivation lack of caffeine swirling hormones ndash especially for mums ndash and possibly hunger and an unbelievable sense of exhaustion it can be difficult to access your own freaking pre frontal cortex Sometimes you actually ponder as to whether yours has been stolen or maybe you left it somewhere accidentally
Let me reassure you ndash it has not been stolen and you have not left it somewhere You are not a bad person or a useless parent if you feel angry You simply need to master the art of the Parental Pause
What is the Parental Pause
This magical technique is beyond simple and will help you at times of high tension to be the person you wished you could be without hiding in your bedroom and eating a family block of fruit and nut chocolate (technically a form of health food surely)
It works like this
01 You stop moving You ground your feet
02 Gently bend your knees
03 Place your right hand on your heart
04 Take a deep breath Maybe another two deep breaths
05 Then you slowly stand close by or kneel near your child
Be present
Be still
Observe calmly the world through your childrsquos eyes
Inwardly to yourself ndash repeat these words silently ndash
ldquoMy child is not bad or naughty ndash they are just struggling to cope with their world Let me be what they need right now ndash a safe baserdquo
Thatrsquos it
Imagine that you are at a school assembly for one of your older children when your two-year-old says ldquoI want a drink of waterrdquo Maybe you might calmly respond by saying ldquoBabe I canrsquot get you a drink of water right now However I will as soon as this finishesrdquo The two-year-old starts whining and says much louder ldquoI want some water now Mummyrdquo Again you try to placate her by saying ldquoWersquoll just have to wait til this finishesrdquo and the two-year-old starts to lose the plot Sound familiar
John Medina writes in his excellent book Brain Rules (2014 wwwbrainrulesnet) of the work of behaviourist John Gottman According to Gottman one of the best ways to manage a potential meltdown situation ndash especially with a young child who has poor executive function in her upstairs brain ndash is to acknowledge the childrsquos feelings and empathise
So if that two-year-old who is having a meltdown at the school assembly had heard the following words she might have felt heard ldquoBabe you are thirsty and I reckon a big drink of nice cold water would make you feel so much better I wish I had a drink in my bag so that I could give it to you right now and you could drink as much as you likedrdquo
According to Gottman such an empathetic response which helps identify the emotions that are present acts like pouring water onto a flame as it diffuses intense emotional moments Technically this is called lsquocoaching of emotionsrsquo however it can also be called taming the emotions This has to be one of the best secrets that Irsquove found and I have tried it on other peoplersquos children to find it works every time It ticks all the boxes of meaningful adult interaction
in that it is respectful and it is teaching and guiding a childrsquos awareness As the child is heard and validated it seems to soothe the cortisol levels in the childrsquos brain quite quickly So the next time your child pesters you for a biscuit and it is just before dinner try validating that for them ldquoI know you want a biscuit now sweetheart because I know you like biscuits and you are going to feel frustrated and a little angry when I donrsquot get you one because itrsquos just before dinner We can have a biscuit tomorrow when it isnrsquot time for dinnerrdquo
Anxiety amp self-regulationSymptoms of anxiety
raquo Complaints of stomach aches or headaches raquo Sleep problems or difficulty concentrating raquo Behavioural changes such as moodiness a short temper or clinginess raquo Development of a nervous habit such as nail biting raquo Refusal to go to school or getting into trouble at school raquo Avoidance behaviours raquo Arousal heart rate breathing shaky and dizzy raquo Fatigue and exhaustion
Frequently Missed Symptoms of Anxiety
raquo Angry outbursts
raquo Oppositional and refusal behaviours
raquo Temper tantrums
raquo Aggression
raquo Attention seeking behaviours
raquo Hyperactivity and difficulty sitting still
raquo Concentration problems
raquo Scholastic underachievement or excessive resistance to doing work
raquo Frequent visits to school nurse
raquo High number of missed school days
raquo Difficulties with social or peer group
mdash Source Dr Lyn Miller address to The Development of Childrenrsquos Mental Health How Do We Become Who We Are Conference Canada 2012
Sometimes what is seen as misbehaviour is more a stress behaviour Or a sign your child is not coping with their world In the excellent new book on self-regulation Self-Reg How to help your child (and you) break the stress cycle and successfully engage with life by Dr Stuart Shanker with Teresa Barker (2016) we learn much to help us understand stress behaviour
Shanker Self-Regtrade is explained in the following way
bull Self-Reg starts by reframing a childrsquos behaviour and for that matter our own It means seeing the meaning of the childrsquos behaviour maybe for the first time
bull Self-Reg will show you where to stand how to bring your childrsquos behaviour into focus respond to your childrsquos needs and help your child help himself
bull Self-Reg starts with how well we can identify and reduce our own stressors and how we can stay calm and attentive when we interact with a child
mdash Source Stuart Shanker Self-Reg (2016)
The brain and self-regulation
Babies only have a lsquoprimitive brainrsquo and somewhere in the growth over the first years of life they grow the next level of the brain the limbic brain You often hear this referred to as the emotional centre of the brain and basically this system lies underneath our more rational pre-frontal cortex Some of the limbic systemrsquos major structures include the
raquo Amygdala
raquo Hippocampus
raquo Hypothalamus
raquo Striatum
The limbic system is the where our strong emotions and urges come from Think of the meltdowns and temper tantrums over the wrong coloured cup the sandwich cut the wrong way and the apple peeled instead of not
In his book Enriching the Brain (2006) Eric Jensen writes that memories are anchored much more deeply when there are strong emotions present The limbic system plays a part here too That is why powerful scary memories anchor so deeply in the brain alongside those memories that were accompanied by exquisite joy (If you want some ideas about this read my Making Memories That Matter article)
ldquo Love desire fear shame anger and trauma all share a neurological home baserdquo mdash Shanker (2016)
Now we often hear about how stress and especially prolonged distress triggers us to come from our lsquoprimitive brainrsquo ndash so we go into fight flight or freeze mode And this can inhibit our ability to respond from our pre-frontal cortex (which isnrsquot fully formed until wersquore adults) This aspect of our brain which is commonly referred to as our lsquohigherrsquo brain or lsquoexecutive functioningrsquo brain plays a role in managing our emotions planning making decisions deliberating over consequences and guiding our social behaviour and the like
Shanker (2016) writes about how very influential the limbic system in particular the hypothalamus is in regulating everything from our body temperature hunger and thirst heart rate and breathing through to ldquoaspects of hearing speaking mind reading other peoplersquos social and emotional cues parenting and attachment behavioursrdquo
Basically he explains ldquoAll of these different functions are tied to the brainrsquos most primitive response to anything from relatively minor stressors to fullon threats ndash or at least what our limbic system lsquodecidesrsquo is a threat When we can calm that response we begin to bring all of the other self-regulatory processes into syncrdquo
He also refers to new discoveries being made all the time into how being in flightflight mode can switch off certain brain functions including for example how stress impacts on childrenrsquos middle ear muscles and affects their capacity to process speech and hear low-frequency sounds (Shanker 2016)
I am pretty sure that in a moment of conflict a parent would seldom be using low frequency sounds No wonder they canrsquot hear us
I have a video blog on Why boysrsquo behaviour is their language but really this notion applies to all children and as parents and educators we need to be like detectives in looking for clues to determine when a child is stressed and needs support to calm their stress levels
Similar to the symptoms listed above for anxiety stressed children can present in many ways irritable unfocused explosive clingy aggressive quick to anger oppositional overly teary hard to get moving overly sensitivehellip all of these are signs your child may be experiencing a high level of stress
No matter what the triggers for this stress are ndash these children who are often seen as naughty or badly behaved are quite simply not coping with their world The children who are under more stress have less capacity to manage Excess stress drains their energy and then if they meet more challenge that triggers more stress everything can collide together like a perfect storm
I believe that the lsquoschoolificationrsquo of young children is a major contributor to the increase in stress anxiety and a lot of inappropriate behaviour wersquore seeing as many children are struggling to cope
Main sources of stress and anxiety in children raquo Hurried over-scheduled world
raquo Temperaments and personality
raquo Absence of healthy love and attachment
raquo Too much pressure on children to perform
raquo Stressed parents who rush
raquo Not enough calm still quiet solo time
raquo Poor sleep patterns
raquo Too much stimulation from TV toys and adult commands
raquo Not enough consistency and routines
raquo Too much social change or social dislocation
raquo Shaming language
raquo Threats of abuse and violence
raquo Death and loss experiences
An overactive stress response system originating in childhood underlies many mental disorders later in life
raquo Depression
raquo Persistent states of anxiety
raquo Phobias and obsessions
raquo Physical symptoms and illness
raquo Being cut off emotionally
raquo Lethargy and lack of get up and go
raquo Lack of desire and excitement
raquo Lack of spontaneity
Much of the punishment that children receive for poor behaviour can be seen as adding fuel to a smouldering fire Think blaming shaming shouting and hitting ndash these punitive measures are still lingering from the harsh parenting and education practices of the last century especially before the 1970s
If punishment is too harsh a child can simply shut down ndash a serious level of stress survival that can sometimes look like compliance It is actually a sign that the child is highly distressed and can be damaging to your ongoing relationship
The damaging effects of shaming
Shame is the name we give to the overwhelming feeling that we need to crawl under a rock because we see ourselves as unworthy unpleasant unlikeable or reprehensible and because we expect to be judged or rejected accordingly
ldquoShame is like a knife that sharply delineates the limits of love in every culture the warning signal that something we are doing risks us being ostracisedrdquo
mdash Robin Grille Heart to Heart Parenting (2008)
Examples of shaming
raquo Deliberately ignoring a child
raquo Being sarcastic
raquo Walking away as though a child does not exist
raquo Rolling onersquos eyes
raquo Glaring at a child with disgust
raquo Shouting yelling and swearing at a child
We also shame when we say things such as
raquo ldquoYou ought to be ashamed of yourselfrdquo
raquo ldquoYou naughty boyrdquo
raquo ldquoYou are acting like a selfish bratrdquo
raquo ldquoYoursquove been a bad little girlrdquo
raquo ldquoGrow uprdquo
raquo ldquoStop acting like a babyrdquo
raquo ldquoDonrsquot be a sissyrdquo
raquo Girls donrsquot do that sort of thingrdquo
raquo ldquoYoursquore hopelessrdquo
raquo ldquoYoursquore not even tryingrdquo
raquo ldquoWhy canrsquot you be more like your brotherrdquo
raquo What are people going to think
The dynamics of energyUnderpinning this work in self-regulation is the notion that rather than shaming and controlling our children for reacting to stress we can help them learn to self-regulate We do this by supporting them to recognise whatrsquos going on in their bodies and how they can make themselves feel better A lot of this has to do with them (and us) monitoring their energy levels and what might be affecting them
This actually happens from birth Shanker (2016) writes of the ldquointer-brainrdquo which is ldquoa right brain-to-right brain communication channel between the parents and the baby delivered through touch sounds looks and even smellsrdquo
ldquoWe are designed to draw energy from one another and restore energy through one anotherhellip The better we can understand what might be draining a childrsquos energy reserves the better we can tailor our interactions and the choices we make to reduce that strainrdquo
mdash Stuart Shanker Self-Reg (2016)
Further Shanker says most stressors can be broken down to belonging in one of ldquoThe Five Domains of Stress and Self-Regulationrdquo biological emotional cognitive social and pro-social
Each of these domains has various stressors belonging to them and the better we understand those the better we can help to reduce them For example Shanker lists a pro-social stressor as ldquohaving to deal with other peoplersquos strong emotionsrdquo while a biological stressor might be tiredness or a noisy environment We can then look for signs that our child is potentially experiencing one of these stressors (Shanker 2016)
As parents carers and educators by having a greater understanding of these domains ndash stressors can come from more than one at a time ndash we can identify when children are experiencing issues in the various domains and adjust things to reduce the stress
More on self-regulationhellipThrough his work with The Mehrit Centre Dr Stuart Shanker has provided a wealth of excellent free resources on his website for teachers and parents and I would encourage everyone to not only read his new book Self-Reg but to spend some time browsing the site reading about these methods in more detail and using some of the tools provided at home or in your centreclassroom httpsself-regcaself-reg
In particular you may find these infographics helpful
Understanding Stress Behaviour for Parents Understanding Stress Behaviour for Teachers The Five Steps to Self-Regulation (The Shanker Methodtrade)
Becoming a CSI Detective We have to remember that in all interactions with our children maintaining a warm relationship needs to be first priority
Patterns habits routines and structure make the world more predictable and less startling for children I write about why healthy boundaries matter in my 10 resilience building blocks for an important reason
The better a baby and young children can recognise predictable patterns the less frightening and more engaging the world becomes Babies constantly look and listen for patterns all around them With pattern recognition comes the ability to know what yoursquore feeling and to act in an intentional way in your environment ndash it helps all of us anticipate what will happen next without becoming frightened about the uncertainty of the world
Chaos and rigidity are the two most confronting things that can impact our little onersquos lives Having routines and consistency makes the world safer for them and so they are not wasting vital energy figuring out if they are safe or not Always having to focus on survival denies children the capacity to interact in a curious way with the world Children quickly flip to survival brain because their pre frontal cortex is too immature and they will struggle when they donrsquot
understand what they are experiencing or why people are behaving the way they are or when this is too much for them Confusion and uncertainty are the opposite of having patterns and routines
The stronger a child is attached to key caregivers and the more attuned these caregivers are the better the child will navigate the uncertainties they will meet ndash moment by moment This means they will have more energy to explore and seek new things Yes it does take hours and hours of connected interaction to build these predictable pathways ndash this is called scaffolding and is essential to all learning Scaffolding is respectful to our young children because it values the input of the child first rather than something we do with a child
Acknowledging kids positively raquo Smile at them
raquo Wink at them
raquo Say hello using their name
raquo Say ldquoIrsquom glad to see yourdquo
raquo Suggest ldquoLetrsquos go play togetherrdquo
raquo Ask them to show you how to do a puzzle
raquo Give them a pat on the head back
raquo Hug them if appropriate
raquo Ask about their favourite toy
raquo Play a hand or clapping game with them
raquo Hold their hand
raquo Say things like
bull ldquoThank you for helping me clean up the toysrdquo
bull ldquoI noticed you washing your hands after going to the toiletrdquo
bull ldquoI know how hard it is to be patient when you play with othersrdquo
bull ldquoI noticed you using your quiet voice mdash well donerdquo
raquo Sing songs with them especially their favourite ones
raquo Cuddle up and watch ABC Kids with them
raquo Pretend to be an animal
raquo Call them up and say hello
raquo Make them laugh
Communicating compassionately with our children
Communication seems such a simple thing to do however poor communication is one of the key factors underlying conflict in our families We simply misunderstand each other
Being heard
Here are some phrases you might use that let your child know you are really hearing him or her
raquo ldquoLet me put this down so I can give you my full attentionrdquo
raquo ldquoWait a second while I turn off the TVradiocomputer so I can really hear yourdquo
raquo ldquoLetrsquos have some time together nowrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat would you like to do when we have our time together tomorrow afternoonrdquo
raquo ldquoSo what you mean isrdquo
raquo ldquoTell me more about thisrdquo
raquo ldquoIn other wordsrdquo
raquo ldquoLet me see if I understand you so farrdquo
raquo ldquoThat must have beenfor yourdquo
raquo ldquoAre you open to some feedback from merdquo
raquo ldquoNow thatrsquos interestingrdquo
raquo ldquoDoes that feel fair to yourdquo
raquo ldquoTell me what you were hoping to dordquo
raquo ldquoHow can we make this betterrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat do you think needs to happen nowrdquo
raquo ldquoSounds like youwe have a problemrdquo
raquo ldquoWhose problem is thisrdquo
raquo ldquoDoes that feel kind to yourdquo
raquo ldquoThere is a problem here How can I help you to sort it outrdquo
raquo ldquoCheck it out inside Does it feel rightrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat were you trying to do hererdquo
raquo ldquoDo you need my help right now to sort out what is happeningrdquo
raquo ldquoI know you can handle itrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat would you like to do nowrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat would a good friend do nowrdquo
raquo ldquoI noticed thatrdquo
raquo ldquoHaving a go is important mdash we canrsquot all win
Some secrets of positive parental communication
raquo Distraction
raquo Respectful caring requests
raquo Saying ldquoYes mdash Afterrdquo
raquo ldquoItrsquos just the right thing to dordquo
raquo Really listening
raquo Calm down time
Four steps to nurturing the inner genius in your child
1 Pause and become present
2 Ask ldquoDid you do that all by yourselfrdquo
3 Explain why the choice is one you would prefer they didnrsquot make again
4 Have them clean up the mess
Creating a family solution-seeking processldquo90 of childhood misbehaviour is the result of the developmental journeyrdquo
ndash Dr Gordon Neufeld Hold On to Your Kids (2005)
Essentially this means that childrenrsquos behaviour when it does not meet our expectations is not so much wrong or bad it is mainly children being children with a childrsquos mind and depth of experience If a childrsquos behaviour is inconvenient to us as an adult it too is not bad or wrong it is merely a normal part of the developmental journey of growing from child to adult Next time yoursquore frustrated and angry about your childrsquos behaviour pause take a deep breath and see if you can view that behaviour through the eyes of a child
One more thing is consider what we say to ourselves in our mind I so often hear the term lsquoattention seekingrsquo when talking about inappropriate behaviour in children If we could reframe that to ndash lsquolove seeking or connection seekingrsquo our response will be different
Family meetings are a wonderful way to resolve issues affirm values and rules and to connect Read my article on 10 Top Tips for a Successful Family Meeting
More on childrenrsquos anxietyRobin Grille in his book Heart to Heart Parenting (2008) outlines some of the things that are going on in a babyrsquos consciousness that I think are very helpful for is to keep in mind
raquo Babies feel everything far more intensely than do adults
raquo Babies cannot lie put on an act or pretend like older children What you see is what you get mdash complete emotional honesty
raquo Babies cannot plan or think ahead mdash all they do is to react
raquo Babies are incapable of influencing or manipulating anyone
raquo Babies do not understand time
raquo Babies have very little ability to soothe themselves
raquo Babies have no strong defences against pain or sorrow as they do not yet have the fight or flight response
raquo If babies learn that reaching out is rewarding they will become strong communicators able to connect with people more effectively
ldquoLow serotonin levels are a key component in many forms of aggression and violent behaviour Opiods are vital to diminish feelings of fear and stress so deactivation of opiods in parts of the brain leads to increases in negative feelings and stress and decreases in positive feelingsrdquo
mdash Margot Sunderland The Science of Parenting (2007)
Distress (chronic stress)
01 Halves neuron development
02 Reduces effectiveness of the dendrites
03 Reduces brain to lsquosurvivalrsquo mode rather than upper cognitive processing
04 Reduces blood supply to the brain
05 Stimulates emotional meltdowns
06 Impedes immune system
What happens to the body when it enters lsquoflight or fightrsquo state (Distress)
raquo Breathing becomes shallow
raquo The heart rate increases
raquo Blood pressure rises
raquo Adrenaline and cortisol hormones are released into the blood
raquo The senses are heightened
raquo The liver releases stored sugar into the blood
raquo Muscles tense and tighten
raquo Blood flow increases to the brain and major muscles and is constricted to the extremities
mdash Patrice Thomas Stress in Early Childhood (2006)
Calming our children ndash strategies Now that we have looked at many of the symptoms and causes of stress and anxiety I want to focus on ways to help calm our children and our homes classrooms and early years centres This first thing to bear in mind is
ldquoHappy Calm Children Learn Bestrdquo
mdash Daniel Goleman
This quote is so truehellip our children need to be happy and calm to learn at school and at home If they are stressed all their energy and enthusiasm will be diverted to dealing with that stress So letrsquos look at how to support them with this
Herersquos a summary of some of my resources to help your children with anxiety
ArticlesThe Importance of a Go-Slow Childhood 10 Tips to Ease Separation Distress The Invisible Enemy of Anxiety Childhood Stress
AudiosI have several audios to help with anxiety
SafeNSound and Sleepytime are for under 10s and are free from my website
My latest download for anxious children is called Soothing the Frightened Butterflies which costs $5 as a download This can really help build coping and calming strategies for anxious kids
Managing our own stress especially for busy mums is important and that may mean joining a class or group to try yoga tai chi meditation or mindfulness activities or sound relaxation mdash or you can do any of these things when you have some free time in your own home Try my free Moonlight Relaxation for Mums (and mother figures)
Soothing calming and relaxationThe opposite of stress and distress is calmness and feeling relaxed If a child clings to you she is trying to bring down a high body arousal level and high levels of stress chemicals She is trying to activate the positive brain chemicals that activate feelings of wellbeing Research shows that children who have been soothed quickly and frequently tend to become self-soothers and manage stress better (Sunderland 2007) Due to the neuroplasticity of the human brain calmness can be learned at any stage of life
Top tips for soothing Key ways to trigger oxytocin mdash the love neurotransmitter
01 Calm adults
02 Touch and massage mdash especially lsquotickle pointrsquo (high on back mdash stroke gently) Works with children of any age
03 Rocking
04 Sucking
05 Physical comforters mdash soft toys dummies blankets
06 Warmth approx 21 degrees C mdash (or cooling if child has a temperature)
07 Low soothing sounds familiar songs
08 Bathing in warm bath
09 Novelty mdash laughter
10 Avoid overstimulation especially loud voices noises too much chaos and too much change
My top three tips for parents to soothe our childrenrsquos worlds mdash The three lsquoSrsquos
01 Slow down mdash walk slower talk slower do less and allow an extra 15 minutes than you think you need to get children ready for a scheduled event like going to school Ask what you can take out of your life so that you can be a calmer parent especially in the early years mdash avoid wearing too many hats when your children are young
02 Soothe more mdash remember that brain chemicals flood our childrenrsquos brains quite irrationally and chaotically Reassure children that they are valued safe and that mistakes and accidents are normal
03 Create safety mdash is your home child friendly Can your children relax sometimes without being stressed to have your home looking like itrsquos a feature house in a House and Garden magazine Is there somewhere for introverted children to hide from people and the world to fill their energy cup
Parent tips for reducing stress in children
raquo Children benefit from calm quiet spaces in their world
raquo Avoid being rushed and hurried
raquo Use quiet voices with gentle tones
raquo Have regular quiet times in your home when all electronic stuff is turned off
raquo Allow children time just lsquoto bersquo and not always be busy
raquo Children sense their parentsrsquo stress and react to it mdash so reduce your stress
raquo Ensure children have good night sleep patterns
raquo Calmness can be learned mdash do a relaxation activity with them
raquo Avoid too much noise and visual stimulation in homes
raquo Avoid too much exposure to TVs computers smart phones and other electronic games and devices
raquo Create safe home environments with boundaries and routines
raquo Avoid too much significant change in childrenrsquos lives
raquo Avoid pressuring your children
raquo Soothing and reassuring children triggers oxytocin and calms children
mdash Maggie Dent Real Kids in an Unreal World (2nd edition 2016)
How to calm an overloaded nervous system in our homes centres amp classrooms
raquo Calm grown ups
raquo Routines and habits
raquo Silent sound signals
raquo Movement amp relaxation
raquo Calming music
raquo Mindfulness
raquo Low vocal tones
raquo Absorbed play
raquo Quiet corner bean bag
raquo Thinking time
raquo Regular quiet times
raquo Calming audio visualisations
raquo Laughter and lightness
raquo Plenty of nature time
Tips for soothing separation distress
Separation distress or anxiety is very common among children and Sunderland believes this distress can influence children even as old as eight
The changes of environment people routines and the number of other children they are interacting with can all cause spikes in cortisol creating those stress symptoms you might see mdash crying clinging tummy aches refusal to leave your side poor appetite restless sleep and even outbursts and tantrums
Remember this means the lsquodownstairs brainrsquo is registering threat mdash and is acting accordingly Remember too that the key stressor for children is separation from the most significant grownup who is their protector
As a starting point it is useful to explain to kids that new things places and people often make even adults feel those same feelings of being a little unsettled or anxious
Young children usually have strong imaginations and I have found that some small techniques that strengthen the connection to Mum or Dad while they are away from you can help lots
I have shared some of my strategies for dealing with separation anxiety in my article 10 Tips to Ease Separation Distress
Safe touchWhy is safe touch so important in caring relationships
Clinical studies at the American Academy of Paediatrics found that touch therapy helped premature newborn babies to gain weight It also improved asthmatic childrenrsquos breathing assisted in balancing glucose levels for diabetic children and lowered stress levels improving the immune system Researcher Tiffany Field PhD from the Touch Research Institute at the University of Miami believes that ldquotouch is as important to infants and children as eating and sleepingrdquo
Soothing touch triggers positive brain chemicals especially serotonin which quite literally soothes the nervous system of the whole child Other ways to soothe include rocking soothing calm sounds from a safe adult and listening to familiar songs or nursery rhymes
We do need to seriously reconsider the fear-driven perception we have around the safe touch of students A retired principal once told me that a lawyer had spoken to him about the legal perspective of being sued for inappropriate touching You can only be pursued legally if you have touched someone without their approval or consent This did not have to be verbal consent tacit approval was sufficient What this means is that when a child falls over or hurts his or herself and comes running with arms up for a hug we have their tacit approval Common-sense needs to prevail
What needs to happen in our homes and schools to ensure that our children know what safe touch entails is that we must educate our children around body safety and awareness No longer can we hope that a significant grown-up has given them some guidance In our highly sexualised world where explicit images and pornography can be found without even looking for them we must give our children the tools to be able to understand where touch is no longer safe for themselves or for others
How can we build more safe touch in our homes
01 If your young children find their way to your bed in the middle of the night because theyrsquore frightened welcome them immediately If you find it difficult to sleep with a squirming wriggling little one in your bed it is completely okay for one of the grown-ups to go and sleep in their bed (especially if your little one wonrsquot settle back into their bed) The important thing is to soothe the fear or the need to be close first One day you will miss the fact that they no longer turn up for a nightly snuggle
02 Be mindful of gentle touching your children more often ndash a gentle hand on the shoulder holding their hands ruffling their hair non-annoying tickling sitting really closely on the couch being really close when you read stories picking them up and holding them close in a hug secret handshakes and high fives all keep physical intimacy alive and well
03 Help your children to create a list of people they feel are safe to allow them to touch them respectfully We still need to be mindful that even the people in this safe circle need to be respectful of when children give their tacit approval to be held or touched My beautiful two-year-old granddaughter can be slow to warm when we first reconnect and I will always offer her a loving verbal greeting however with no pressure for her to respond equally She is just two and has a long way to go to understand the nuances of human interaction particularly communication Adolescents struggle in a similar way and again it is not a sign of disrespect ndash although it is often seen as that ndash or a sign that they donrsquot care for the people who are trying to communicate to them They also improve with continued growth of the prefrontal cortex
04 Each child will have a certain preference around safe touch Personal space is different for us all Some of our children particularly those with sensory processing disorder (SPD) or who are on the spectrum prefer not to be touched at all Some prefer very vigorous rugby style hugs others non-verbal gestures like a smile a wink or even a gentle nod of your head in their direction Some like to sit all over us ndash and often Some might like a gentle head massage or even a back tickle It can be really helpful when we follow their preferences and we are able to meet that hunger for safe touch
05 There is a special spot high up on the back below the neck (between the shoulders) that is particularly sensitive when touched in a gentle and slow way It has been called the tickle spot
It is a bit like an accelerator button that can trigger serotonin which is a calming brain chemical Sometimes in situations where we can see our children struggling gently stroking this spot can actually help them calm down and feel soothed I have used this spot often in the queue in shopping centres when my lads were starting to get restless
06 The calmer our children are the more receptive they will be to being touched in a loving way Sometimes when they are really stressed and could benefit from loving safe touch they reject it or push it away
07 It can be helpful having a conversation with those who are in your close parenting circle of family or friends about safe touch Tell those who you trust that you encourage safe touch I remember one of my sonrsquos best friends who was dealing with the sudden death of his dad telling my son that my hugs were all soft and squishy and they felt good Personally it took me a long time to be comfortable with other people touching me in a caring way and Irsquom a firm believer in the power of a good hug when itrsquos welcome
08 Sometimes being held with love by a trusted person can say more than any words
Dr Arthur Janov author of The Biology of Love (2000) argues that the absence of loving care early in life causes increased levels of stress for a person The result of this deprivation is high levels of cortisol that change the structure of the brain Brain scans taken of extremely violent young men show huge spaces in the pre-frontal lobe
It only takes one genuinely trustworthy person to use safe touch to reframe how a child sees the world and to reshape how their brains perceive safety and tenderness Our world needs more love kindness and gentleness right now and so let the conversation begin
Sibling conflict a normal part of family lifeldquoThere is no way around it Sibling rivalry is universal After all every human is genetically programmed to protect resources that will help him survive and your children depend on and compete for what are in fact precious resources mdash your time and attention
I found that parenting gets a lot easier when we as parents can do 3 very hard things
1 Regulate our emotions
2 Stay connected with our child even when wersquore setting limits or the child is upset
3 Coach instead of controlling by fostering emotional intelligence guiding with empathetic limits instead of punishment and supporting masteryrdquo
mdash Dr Laura Markham Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life (2015)
Sibling rivalry is indeed one of lifersquos great teachers Indeed it helps us learn how to get along with others It also helps put a bit more sensitivity into our feisty lsquoroosterrsquo children and a bit more lsquoroosterrsquo into our sensitive lambs when parenting children of different temperaments
I have written an article about sibling rivalry that offers more detail on where it comes from rivalry between roosters and lambs and how to manage it and how to turn aggression into awareness Read my article on sibling rivalry
How not to deal with sibling rivalryhellip
According to Dr Laura if we punish or are too permissive with our children around their fighting it only creates more fighting The reason for this is because if we are not demonstrating kindness and fairness to solve the issue our kids will model the same approach Your child will handle conflict the way you show them (Markham 2015)
Our children donrsquot learn to be empathetic compassionate human beings by being punished for sibling rivalry Instead they learn to do things simply to avoid punishment not to be intrinsically caring They donrsquot learn self-discipline (remember the Three Family Rules I wrote about earlier) they learn to use power over each other and it can make them fearful and more likely to be angry and depressed (Markham 2015)
Included in this notion of punishment are lsquotimeoutsrsquo Dr Laura and I are on the same page when it comes to thishellip timeouts can be another way of shaming our kids and disconnecting from the
When my four lads got into conflict I found a much better solution was to send them all outside together for five minutes for ldquoa change of sceneryrdquo Invariably after five minutes they wouldnrsquot bother coming back in because being outside had shifted their mood and they got caught up in a new game
So what does help
The key is to help siblings see the world through their siblingrsquos eyes ndash to show why something is not fair or may be unkind or just plain wrong
My suggestions
raquo Stay calm
raquo Ensure safety of all
raquo Make sense of what is happening
raquo Re-connect to family rules
raquo Avoid making quick judgements
raquo Allow calm down time while being nearby
raquo Connect with all parties in a warm way AFTERWARDS
OR Use a nudge
ldquoA nudge is essentially a means of encouraging or guiding behaviour but without mandating or instructing and ideally without the need for heavy financial incentives or sanctions Sometimes behaviour changes with a surprisingly light touchrdquo
mdash David Halpern Inside the Nudge Unit How small changes can make a big difference (2015)
Basically a nudge is a bit of gentle positive persuasion ndash hints suggestions helpful comments hellip
If you reduce friction a nudge can be a potent way of clearing the path to make it easy for people to do something that they probably already intended to do but had not got around to it
01 Unexpected small reward in private
02 A quiet thank you and a positive touch moment in private
03 Positive noticing
04 Mention good conflict solving at family meeting
05 Let kids hear you tell someone else how great they have been
06 Tell your kids they are smart and can work out ways to sort out conflict themselves
07 Change location when things get a bit lsquoouchyrsquo in a calm and warm way
08 Use lightness and novelty
09 Inspirational images around the house reminding everyone within that lsquolove lives herersquo and reflecting your familyrsquos values
Tips from Dr Laura01 Talk about feelings
02 Ask questions about feelings needs wants and choices
03 Explain and model ndash expect to repeat yourself
04 Practice finding win-win solutions
05 Model lsquoIrsquo statements ldquoI feel hellipBecause I wantneed hellip And I observed that hellip eg I feel worried because I want to get there on time and I see that you arenrsquot ready to leave yet so please put on your shoesrdquo
06 Model pro social behaviour
mdash Dr Laura Markham Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life (2015)
and alsoRead Dr Laurarsquos blog ldquoWhy punishment doesnrsquot teach your child accountabilityrdquo for more on punishment
Read her ldquoWhatrsquos Wrong With Timeoutsrdquo blog to find out why time outs are also not a great response to sibling conflicts
And her Siblings 101 blog has some fantastic tips for turning sibling rivalry around
You can find all of Dr Laura Markhamrsquos helpful blogs and her two Peaceful Parent books at wwwahaparentingcom
Your new role is as an interpreter mdash which is technically emotional coaching
And a few notes on some other dilemmas for anyone raising or working with childrenhellip
Telling liesEveryone tells lies
Some children are often frightened into telling lies
Explain the difference between black lies and white lies
Spend time honouring the truth
Read picture books about honesty ndash Franklin Fibs Aesoprsquos Fables Pig the Pug Fibber
I have done a video blog about when children tell lies so take a few minutes to watch that to hear my suggestions
Watch Telling Lies Blog
You might also be interested in this very interesting article talking about research that suggests children who are subjected to punitive methods of discipline are less likely to be honest
Tsunami of Technology ndash Keeping the Balance
The benefits of technology are a given However there are concerns and we need to be aware of those
Concerns to keep in mind
raquo Posture problems
raquo Learning the lsquoplay codersquo
raquo Impact on human communication amp intimacy
raquo Passivity
raquo Sleep issues
raquo Dopamine receptor changes
raquo Short sightedness
raquo Instant entertainment
raquo Language saturation
raquo Creativity
raquo Boredom
raquo Addictive usage
Recommendations
01 As little as possible under 5
02 Never allow screens in bedroom
03 Have excellent remote parental controls on all devices and PCsApples ndash I recommend you take a look at Family Zone
04 Make sure your children are only able to access Kids YouTube
05 Have clear boundaries especially at night
06 Keep in mind the use mdash educational vs entertainment
07 Best use is when there is interaction with others
08 Have a basket for all hand held screens including parentsrsquo around meal times or other together times
09 Check other parentsrsquo boundaries before allowing children to visit ndash be strong
10 Have techno free times for fun
I have a few articles and resources on screens at my common concerns page on screen time httpswwwmaggiedentcomcommon-concernsscreen-time
As a parent or adult caring for children be mindful of Digital Abandonment
Watch my video blog on Digital Abandonment in Modern Families
I am so impressed with the work being done on the digital dilemma for parents by Dr Kristy Goodwin Please take the time to check out her blog and her excellent book Raising Your Child in a Digital World httpdrkristygoodwincom
REFERENCES Dent M (2014) 9 Things A back-to-basics guide to calm common-sense connected parenting birth-8 Murwillumbah NSW Pennington Publications
Dent M (2016) Real Kids in an Unreal World Building resilience amp self-esteem in todayrsquos children Murwillumbah NSW Pennington Publications
Dent M (2003) Saving Our children from Our Chaotic World Teaching children the magic of silence and stillness Dunsborough WA Pennington Publications
Doidge N (2007) The Brain That Changes Itself Stories of personal triumph from the frontiers of brain science New York Viking
Fuller A (2007) Tricky kids Transforming conflict and freeing their potential Sydney Finch Publishing
Goleman D (1996) Emotional Intelligence Why it can matter more than IQ UK Bloomsbury Publishing
Goodwin K (2016) Raising Your Child in a Digital World Sydney Finch Publishing
Grille R (2008) Heart to Heart Parenting Nurturing your childrsquos emotional intelligence from conception to school age Sydney ABC Books
Grille R (2013) Parenting for a Peaceful World (second edition) Asheville NC Vox Cordis Press
Halpern D (2009) Inside the Nudge Unit How small changes can make a big difference UK WHAllen
Janov A (2000) The Biology of Love New York Prometheus Books
Jensen E (2006) Enriching the Brain San Francisco CA Jossey-Bass
Markham L (2015) Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life New York TarcherPerigree
Neufeld G amp Mateacute G (2005) Hold On to Your Kids Why parents need to matter more than peers New York Ballantine Books
Rando L (2010) Caring and Connected Parenting A guide to raising connected children from birth to 4 years CA USA The Spiritual Alliance to Stop Intimate Violence
Shanker S (2016) (with Teresa Barker) Self-Reg How to help your child (and you) break the stress cycle and successfully engage with life Penguin Press
Siegel D J MD amp Bryson T P PhD (2011) The Whole-Brain Child 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your childrsquos developing mind survive everyday parenting struggles and help your family thrive New York Delacorte Press
Sunderland M (2007) The Science of Parenting How todayrsquos brain research can help you raise happy emotionally balanced children New York DK Publishing
Thomas P (2006) Stress in Early Childhood Helping children and their carers ACT Australia Early Childhood Australia
amp some other good readsNaomi Aldort (2005) Raising Our Children Raising Ourselves
Marcy Axness (2012) Parenting for Peace Raising the next generation of peacemakers
All of Steve Biddulphrsquos books Raising Boys Raising Girls The New Manhood The Secret of Happy Childrenhellip
Breacutene Brown (2013) The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting Raising children with courage compassion amp connection Audio CD
Gary Chapman amp Ross Campbell (2012) The 5 Love Languages of Children
Shelley Davidow (2014) Raising Stress-Proof Kids Parenting todayrsquos children in tomorrowrsquos world
Carol Dweck (2012) Mindset The new psychology of success
Tim Gill (2007) No Fear Growing up in a risk averse society
Peter Gray (2013) Free to Learn Why unleashing the instinct to play will make our children happier more self-reliant and better students for life
Jo Jackson King (2010) Raising the Best Possible Child How to navigate parenting myths and bring up confident happy kids
Janet Lansbury (2014) Elevating Child Care A guide to respectful parenting AND No Bad Kids Toddler discipline without shame
Vanessa LaPointe (2015) Discipline Without Damage How to get your kids to behave without messing them up
Pam Leo (2007) Connection Parenting Parenting through connection instead of coercion through love instead of fear wwwConnectionParentingcom
Richard Louv (2005) Last Child in the Woods Saving our children from nature-deficit disorder
Laura Markham (2012) Peaceful Parent Happy Kids how to stop yelling and start connecting
Rachel Macy Stafford (2014) Hands Free Mama and her new book (2017) Only Love Today
Shefali Tsabary (2014) Out of Control Why disciplining your child doesnrsquot work and what will
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
A note about older girls and the safe basehellipFor many parents as their daughters approach puberty (and for many girls this is happening quite young) and through their teen years they may notice that their behaviour can become volatile And yet outside the home they may receive reports that their daughter is an angel The thing is our girls need a safe place to vent their big ugly feelings and irrational thoughts and that safe base might just be you Irsquove written a blog about this for teen girls but it is just as relevant for younger girls
Read my article on Helping Girls with Volatile Emotions
A note about older boys and the safe basehellipFor many parents in particular mothers (but often dads too) as their sons approach puberty we can sometimes struggle to understand how the changes they are going through affect their behaviour As a result there is often a mismatch between what a boy does and what we think he has done Irsquove written a blog about this particularly for mums of boys but again the content will be relevant to dads and people who work with boys
Read my article on The One Question Mums of Sons Should Ask
When children are hard work
Babies toddlers and young children have an under-developed prefrontal cortex ndash and adults have mostly a finished executive functioning brain ndash they need us to help them when things get tough
Firstly can we see our children as struggling rather than being lsquobadrsquo or lsquonaughtyrsquo
1 Firstly consider mdash from the childrsquos perspective mdash is there an unmet need
A child may be
raquo wet raquo tired raquo thirsty raquo hungry raquo bored raquo confused
raquo feeling sick or in pain raquo angry or frustrated raquo feeling powerless or weak raquo feeling unsafe or threatened raquo feeling unloved disconnected and invisible raquo feeling that no one cares
2 How can I help meet that need
You might say to your child raquo ldquoWill a hug helprdquo raquo ldquoHere is a drink of water Does that helprdquo raquo ldquoDo you feel sick Let me feel your headrdquo raquo ldquoLetrsquos go outside for a whilerdquo raquo ldquoCan I help you with somethingrdquo raquo ldquoTell me what you need right nowrdquo
Thenhellip Maybe offer a safe base ndash to enable a calming of their amygdala ndash allow some lsquocalm downrsquo time
raquo Kneel nearby and offer a calm kind presence raquo Go sit in a favourite spot ndash comfy chair or couch and hug their favourite soft toy ie to mimic
soothing raquo Take three deep breaths or three big sighs raquo Quietly start singing a favourite nursery rhyme or bedtime ritual song raquo Lay down on the floor nearby and be still and quiet raquo Spray some Bush Flower Essences or Emergency Essence around the room raquo Put on some nature soundscalming music raquo Send them rainbows of love
The Parental PauseChallenging behaviour from children is hard enough Of course when you add serious sleep deprivation lack of caffeine swirling hormones ndash especially for mums ndash and possibly hunger and an unbelievable sense of exhaustion it can be difficult to access your own freaking pre frontal cortex Sometimes you actually ponder as to whether yours has been stolen or maybe you left it somewhere accidentally
Let me reassure you ndash it has not been stolen and you have not left it somewhere You are not a bad person or a useless parent if you feel angry You simply need to master the art of the Parental Pause
What is the Parental Pause
This magical technique is beyond simple and will help you at times of high tension to be the person you wished you could be without hiding in your bedroom and eating a family block of fruit and nut chocolate (technically a form of health food surely)
It works like this
01 You stop moving You ground your feet
02 Gently bend your knees
03 Place your right hand on your heart
04 Take a deep breath Maybe another two deep breaths
05 Then you slowly stand close by or kneel near your child
Be present
Be still
Observe calmly the world through your childrsquos eyes
Inwardly to yourself ndash repeat these words silently ndash
ldquoMy child is not bad or naughty ndash they are just struggling to cope with their world Let me be what they need right now ndash a safe baserdquo
Thatrsquos it
Imagine that you are at a school assembly for one of your older children when your two-year-old says ldquoI want a drink of waterrdquo Maybe you might calmly respond by saying ldquoBabe I canrsquot get you a drink of water right now However I will as soon as this finishesrdquo The two-year-old starts whining and says much louder ldquoI want some water now Mummyrdquo Again you try to placate her by saying ldquoWersquoll just have to wait til this finishesrdquo and the two-year-old starts to lose the plot Sound familiar
John Medina writes in his excellent book Brain Rules (2014 wwwbrainrulesnet) of the work of behaviourist John Gottman According to Gottman one of the best ways to manage a potential meltdown situation ndash especially with a young child who has poor executive function in her upstairs brain ndash is to acknowledge the childrsquos feelings and empathise
So if that two-year-old who is having a meltdown at the school assembly had heard the following words she might have felt heard ldquoBabe you are thirsty and I reckon a big drink of nice cold water would make you feel so much better I wish I had a drink in my bag so that I could give it to you right now and you could drink as much as you likedrdquo
According to Gottman such an empathetic response which helps identify the emotions that are present acts like pouring water onto a flame as it diffuses intense emotional moments Technically this is called lsquocoaching of emotionsrsquo however it can also be called taming the emotions This has to be one of the best secrets that Irsquove found and I have tried it on other peoplersquos children to find it works every time It ticks all the boxes of meaningful adult interaction
in that it is respectful and it is teaching and guiding a childrsquos awareness As the child is heard and validated it seems to soothe the cortisol levels in the childrsquos brain quite quickly So the next time your child pesters you for a biscuit and it is just before dinner try validating that for them ldquoI know you want a biscuit now sweetheart because I know you like biscuits and you are going to feel frustrated and a little angry when I donrsquot get you one because itrsquos just before dinner We can have a biscuit tomorrow when it isnrsquot time for dinnerrdquo
Anxiety amp self-regulationSymptoms of anxiety
raquo Complaints of stomach aches or headaches raquo Sleep problems or difficulty concentrating raquo Behavioural changes such as moodiness a short temper or clinginess raquo Development of a nervous habit such as nail biting raquo Refusal to go to school or getting into trouble at school raquo Avoidance behaviours raquo Arousal heart rate breathing shaky and dizzy raquo Fatigue and exhaustion
Frequently Missed Symptoms of Anxiety
raquo Angry outbursts
raquo Oppositional and refusal behaviours
raquo Temper tantrums
raquo Aggression
raquo Attention seeking behaviours
raquo Hyperactivity and difficulty sitting still
raquo Concentration problems
raquo Scholastic underachievement or excessive resistance to doing work
raquo Frequent visits to school nurse
raquo High number of missed school days
raquo Difficulties with social or peer group
mdash Source Dr Lyn Miller address to The Development of Childrenrsquos Mental Health How Do We Become Who We Are Conference Canada 2012
Sometimes what is seen as misbehaviour is more a stress behaviour Or a sign your child is not coping with their world In the excellent new book on self-regulation Self-Reg How to help your child (and you) break the stress cycle and successfully engage with life by Dr Stuart Shanker with Teresa Barker (2016) we learn much to help us understand stress behaviour
Shanker Self-Regtrade is explained in the following way
bull Self-Reg starts by reframing a childrsquos behaviour and for that matter our own It means seeing the meaning of the childrsquos behaviour maybe for the first time
bull Self-Reg will show you where to stand how to bring your childrsquos behaviour into focus respond to your childrsquos needs and help your child help himself
bull Self-Reg starts with how well we can identify and reduce our own stressors and how we can stay calm and attentive when we interact with a child
mdash Source Stuart Shanker Self-Reg (2016)
The brain and self-regulation
Babies only have a lsquoprimitive brainrsquo and somewhere in the growth over the first years of life they grow the next level of the brain the limbic brain You often hear this referred to as the emotional centre of the brain and basically this system lies underneath our more rational pre-frontal cortex Some of the limbic systemrsquos major structures include the
raquo Amygdala
raquo Hippocampus
raquo Hypothalamus
raquo Striatum
The limbic system is the where our strong emotions and urges come from Think of the meltdowns and temper tantrums over the wrong coloured cup the sandwich cut the wrong way and the apple peeled instead of not
In his book Enriching the Brain (2006) Eric Jensen writes that memories are anchored much more deeply when there are strong emotions present The limbic system plays a part here too That is why powerful scary memories anchor so deeply in the brain alongside those memories that were accompanied by exquisite joy (If you want some ideas about this read my Making Memories That Matter article)
ldquo Love desire fear shame anger and trauma all share a neurological home baserdquo mdash Shanker (2016)
Now we often hear about how stress and especially prolonged distress triggers us to come from our lsquoprimitive brainrsquo ndash so we go into fight flight or freeze mode And this can inhibit our ability to respond from our pre-frontal cortex (which isnrsquot fully formed until wersquore adults) This aspect of our brain which is commonly referred to as our lsquohigherrsquo brain or lsquoexecutive functioningrsquo brain plays a role in managing our emotions planning making decisions deliberating over consequences and guiding our social behaviour and the like
Shanker (2016) writes about how very influential the limbic system in particular the hypothalamus is in regulating everything from our body temperature hunger and thirst heart rate and breathing through to ldquoaspects of hearing speaking mind reading other peoplersquos social and emotional cues parenting and attachment behavioursrdquo
Basically he explains ldquoAll of these different functions are tied to the brainrsquos most primitive response to anything from relatively minor stressors to fullon threats ndash or at least what our limbic system lsquodecidesrsquo is a threat When we can calm that response we begin to bring all of the other self-regulatory processes into syncrdquo
He also refers to new discoveries being made all the time into how being in flightflight mode can switch off certain brain functions including for example how stress impacts on childrenrsquos middle ear muscles and affects their capacity to process speech and hear low-frequency sounds (Shanker 2016)
I am pretty sure that in a moment of conflict a parent would seldom be using low frequency sounds No wonder they canrsquot hear us
I have a video blog on Why boysrsquo behaviour is their language but really this notion applies to all children and as parents and educators we need to be like detectives in looking for clues to determine when a child is stressed and needs support to calm their stress levels
Similar to the symptoms listed above for anxiety stressed children can present in many ways irritable unfocused explosive clingy aggressive quick to anger oppositional overly teary hard to get moving overly sensitivehellip all of these are signs your child may be experiencing a high level of stress
No matter what the triggers for this stress are ndash these children who are often seen as naughty or badly behaved are quite simply not coping with their world The children who are under more stress have less capacity to manage Excess stress drains their energy and then if they meet more challenge that triggers more stress everything can collide together like a perfect storm
I believe that the lsquoschoolificationrsquo of young children is a major contributor to the increase in stress anxiety and a lot of inappropriate behaviour wersquore seeing as many children are struggling to cope
Main sources of stress and anxiety in children raquo Hurried over-scheduled world
raquo Temperaments and personality
raquo Absence of healthy love and attachment
raquo Too much pressure on children to perform
raquo Stressed parents who rush
raquo Not enough calm still quiet solo time
raquo Poor sleep patterns
raquo Too much stimulation from TV toys and adult commands
raquo Not enough consistency and routines
raquo Too much social change or social dislocation
raquo Shaming language
raquo Threats of abuse and violence
raquo Death and loss experiences
An overactive stress response system originating in childhood underlies many mental disorders later in life
raquo Depression
raquo Persistent states of anxiety
raquo Phobias and obsessions
raquo Physical symptoms and illness
raquo Being cut off emotionally
raquo Lethargy and lack of get up and go
raquo Lack of desire and excitement
raquo Lack of spontaneity
Much of the punishment that children receive for poor behaviour can be seen as adding fuel to a smouldering fire Think blaming shaming shouting and hitting ndash these punitive measures are still lingering from the harsh parenting and education practices of the last century especially before the 1970s
If punishment is too harsh a child can simply shut down ndash a serious level of stress survival that can sometimes look like compliance It is actually a sign that the child is highly distressed and can be damaging to your ongoing relationship
The damaging effects of shaming
Shame is the name we give to the overwhelming feeling that we need to crawl under a rock because we see ourselves as unworthy unpleasant unlikeable or reprehensible and because we expect to be judged or rejected accordingly
ldquoShame is like a knife that sharply delineates the limits of love in every culture the warning signal that something we are doing risks us being ostracisedrdquo
mdash Robin Grille Heart to Heart Parenting (2008)
Examples of shaming
raquo Deliberately ignoring a child
raquo Being sarcastic
raquo Walking away as though a child does not exist
raquo Rolling onersquos eyes
raquo Glaring at a child with disgust
raquo Shouting yelling and swearing at a child
We also shame when we say things such as
raquo ldquoYou ought to be ashamed of yourselfrdquo
raquo ldquoYou naughty boyrdquo
raquo ldquoYou are acting like a selfish bratrdquo
raquo ldquoYoursquove been a bad little girlrdquo
raquo ldquoGrow uprdquo
raquo ldquoStop acting like a babyrdquo
raquo ldquoDonrsquot be a sissyrdquo
raquo Girls donrsquot do that sort of thingrdquo
raquo ldquoYoursquore hopelessrdquo
raquo ldquoYoursquore not even tryingrdquo
raquo ldquoWhy canrsquot you be more like your brotherrdquo
raquo What are people going to think
The dynamics of energyUnderpinning this work in self-regulation is the notion that rather than shaming and controlling our children for reacting to stress we can help them learn to self-regulate We do this by supporting them to recognise whatrsquos going on in their bodies and how they can make themselves feel better A lot of this has to do with them (and us) monitoring their energy levels and what might be affecting them
This actually happens from birth Shanker (2016) writes of the ldquointer-brainrdquo which is ldquoa right brain-to-right brain communication channel between the parents and the baby delivered through touch sounds looks and even smellsrdquo
ldquoWe are designed to draw energy from one another and restore energy through one anotherhellip The better we can understand what might be draining a childrsquos energy reserves the better we can tailor our interactions and the choices we make to reduce that strainrdquo
mdash Stuart Shanker Self-Reg (2016)
Further Shanker says most stressors can be broken down to belonging in one of ldquoThe Five Domains of Stress and Self-Regulationrdquo biological emotional cognitive social and pro-social
Each of these domains has various stressors belonging to them and the better we understand those the better we can help to reduce them For example Shanker lists a pro-social stressor as ldquohaving to deal with other peoplersquos strong emotionsrdquo while a biological stressor might be tiredness or a noisy environment We can then look for signs that our child is potentially experiencing one of these stressors (Shanker 2016)
As parents carers and educators by having a greater understanding of these domains ndash stressors can come from more than one at a time ndash we can identify when children are experiencing issues in the various domains and adjust things to reduce the stress
More on self-regulationhellipThrough his work with The Mehrit Centre Dr Stuart Shanker has provided a wealth of excellent free resources on his website for teachers and parents and I would encourage everyone to not only read his new book Self-Reg but to spend some time browsing the site reading about these methods in more detail and using some of the tools provided at home or in your centreclassroom httpsself-regcaself-reg
In particular you may find these infographics helpful
Understanding Stress Behaviour for Parents Understanding Stress Behaviour for Teachers The Five Steps to Self-Regulation (The Shanker Methodtrade)
Becoming a CSI Detective We have to remember that in all interactions with our children maintaining a warm relationship needs to be first priority
Patterns habits routines and structure make the world more predictable and less startling for children I write about why healthy boundaries matter in my 10 resilience building blocks for an important reason
The better a baby and young children can recognise predictable patterns the less frightening and more engaging the world becomes Babies constantly look and listen for patterns all around them With pattern recognition comes the ability to know what yoursquore feeling and to act in an intentional way in your environment ndash it helps all of us anticipate what will happen next without becoming frightened about the uncertainty of the world
Chaos and rigidity are the two most confronting things that can impact our little onersquos lives Having routines and consistency makes the world safer for them and so they are not wasting vital energy figuring out if they are safe or not Always having to focus on survival denies children the capacity to interact in a curious way with the world Children quickly flip to survival brain because their pre frontal cortex is too immature and they will struggle when they donrsquot
understand what they are experiencing or why people are behaving the way they are or when this is too much for them Confusion and uncertainty are the opposite of having patterns and routines
The stronger a child is attached to key caregivers and the more attuned these caregivers are the better the child will navigate the uncertainties they will meet ndash moment by moment This means they will have more energy to explore and seek new things Yes it does take hours and hours of connected interaction to build these predictable pathways ndash this is called scaffolding and is essential to all learning Scaffolding is respectful to our young children because it values the input of the child first rather than something we do with a child
Acknowledging kids positively raquo Smile at them
raquo Wink at them
raquo Say hello using their name
raquo Say ldquoIrsquom glad to see yourdquo
raquo Suggest ldquoLetrsquos go play togetherrdquo
raquo Ask them to show you how to do a puzzle
raquo Give them a pat on the head back
raquo Hug them if appropriate
raquo Ask about their favourite toy
raquo Play a hand or clapping game with them
raquo Hold their hand
raquo Say things like
bull ldquoThank you for helping me clean up the toysrdquo
bull ldquoI noticed you washing your hands after going to the toiletrdquo
bull ldquoI know how hard it is to be patient when you play with othersrdquo
bull ldquoI noticed you using your quiet voice mdash well donerdquo
raquo Sing songs with them especially their favourite ones
raquo Cuddle up and watch ABC Kids with them
raquo Pretend to be an animal
raquo Call them up and say hello
raquo Make them laugh
Communicating compassionately with our children
Communication seems such a simple thing to do however poor communication is one of the key factors underlying conflict in our families We simply misunderstand each other
Being heard
Here are some phrases you might use that let your child know you are really hearing him or her
raquo ldquoLet me put this down so I can give you my full attentionrdquo
raquo ldquoWait a second while I turn off the TVradiocomputer so I can really hear yourdquo
raquo ldquoLetrsquos have some time together nowrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat would you like to do when we have our time together tomorrow afternoonrdquo
raquo ldquoSo what you mean isrdquo
raquo ldquoTell me more about thisrdquo
raquo ldquoIn other wordsrdquo
raquo ldquoLet me see if I understand you so farrdquo
raquo ldquoThat must have beenfor yourdquo
raquo ldquoAre you open to some feedback from merdquo
raquo ldquoNow thatrsquos interestingrdquo
raquo ldquoDoes that feel fair to yourdquo
raquo ldquoTell me what you were hoping to dordquo
raquo ldquoHow can we make this betterrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat do you think needs to happen nowrdquo
raquo ldquoSounds like youwe have a problemrdquo
raquo ldquoWhose problem is thisrdquo
raquo ldquoDoes that feel kind to yourdquo
raquo ldquoThere is a problem here How can I help you to sort it outrdquo
raquo ldquoCheck it out inside Does it feel rightrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat were you trying to do hererdquo
raquo ldquoDo you need my help right now to sort out what is happeningrdquo
raquo ldquoI know you can handle itrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat would you like to do nowrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat would a good friend do nowrdquo
raquo ldquoI noticed thatrdquo
raquo ldquoHaving a go is important mdash we canrsquot all win
Some secrets of positive parental communication
raquo Distraction
raquo Respectful caring requests
raquo Saying ldquoYes mdash Afterrdquo
raquo ldquoItrsquos just the right thing to dordquo
raquo Really listening
raquo Calm down time
Four steps to nurturing the inner genius in your child
1 Pause and become present
2 Ask ldquoDid you do that all by yourselfrdquo
3 Explain why the choice is one you would prefer they didnrsquot make again
4 Have them clean up the mess
Creating a family solution-seeking processldquo90 of childhood misbehaviour is the result of the developmental journeyrdquo
ndash Dr Gordon Neufeld Hold On to Your Kids (2005)
Essentially this means that childrenrsquos behaviour when it does not meet our expectations is not so much wrong or bad it is mainly children being children with a childrsquos mind and depth of experience If a childrsquos behaviour is inconvenient to us as an adult it too is not bad or wrong it is merely a normal part of the developmental journey of growing from child to adult Next time yoursquore frustrated and angry about your childrsquos behaviour pause take a deep breath and see if you can view that behaviour through the eyes of a child
One more thing is consider what we say to ourselves in our mind I so often hear the term lsquoattention seekingrsquo when talking about inappropriate behaviour in children If we could reframe that to ndash lsquolove seeking or connection seekingrsquo our response will be different
Family meetings are a wonderful way to resolve issues affirm values and rules and to connect Read my article on 10 Top Tips for a Successful Family Meeting
More on childrenrsquos anxietyRobin Grille in his book Heart to Heart Parenting (2008) outlines some of the things that are going on in a babyrsquos consciousness that I think are very helpful for is to keep in mind
raquo Babies feel everything far more intensely than do adults
raquo Babies cannot lie put on an act or pretend like older children What you see is what you get mdash complete emotional honesty
raquo Babies cannot plan or think ahead mdash all they do is to react
raquo Babies are incapable of influencing or manipulating anyone
raquo Babies do not understand time
raquo Babies have very little ability to soothe themselves
raquo Babies have no strong defences against pain or sorrow as they do not yet have the fight or flight response
raquo If babies learn that reaching out is rewarding they will become strong communicators able to connect with people more effectively
ldquoLow serotonin levels are a key component in many forms of aggression and violent behaviour Opiods are vital to diminish feelings of fear and stress so deactivation of opiods in parts of the brain leads to increases in negative feelings and stress and decreases in positive feelingsrdquo
mdash Margot Sunderland The Science of Parenting (2007)
Distress (chronic stress)
01 Halves neuron development
02 Reduces effectiveness of the dendrites
03 Reduces brain to lsquosurvivalrsquo mode rather than upper cognitive processing
04 Reduces blood supply to the brain
05 Stimulates emotional meltdowns
06 Impedes immune system
What happens to the body when it enters lsquoflight or fightrsquo state (Distress)
raquo Breathing becomes shallow
raquo The heart rate increases
raquo Blood pressure rises
raquo Adrenaline and cortisol hormones are released into the blood
raquo The senses are heightened
raquo The liver releases stored sugar into the blood
raquo Muscles tense and tighten
raquo Blood flow increases to the brain and major muscles and is constricted to the extremities
mdash Patrice Thomas Stress in Early Childhood (2006)
Calming our children ndash strategies Now that we have looked at many of the symptoms and causes of stress and anxiety I want to focus on ways to help calm our children and our homes classrooms and early years centres This first thing to bear in mind is
ldquoHappy Calm Children Learn Bestrdquo
mdash Daniel Goleman
This quote is so truehellip our children need to be happy and calm to learn at school and at home If they are stressed all their energy and enthusiasm will be diverted to dealing with that stress So letrsquos look at how to support them with this
Herersquos a summary of some of my resources to help your children with anxiety
ArticlesThe Importance of a Go-Slow Childhood 10 Tips to Ease Separation Distress The Invisible Enemy of Anxiety Childhood Stress
AudiosI have several audios to help with anxiety
SafeNSound and Sleepytime are for under 10s and are free from my website
My latest download for anxious children is called Soothing the Frightened Butterflies which costs $5 as a download This can really help build coping and calming strategies for anxious kids
Managing our own stress especially for busy mums is important and that may mean joining a class or group to try yoga tai chi meditation or mindfulness activities or sound relaxation mdash or you can do any of these things when you have some free time in your own home Try my free Moonlight Relaxation for Mums (and mother figures)
Soothing calming and relaxationThe opposite of stress and distress is calmness and feeling relaxed If a child clings to you she is trying to bring down a high body arousal level and high levels of stress chemicals She is trying to activate the positive brain chemicals that activate feelings of wellbeing Research shows that children who have been soothed quickly and frequently tend to become self-soothers and manage stress better (Sunderland 2007) Due to the neuroplasticity of the human brain calmness can be learned at any stage of life
Top tips for soothing Key ways to trigger oxytocin mdash the love neurotransmitter
01 Calm adults
02 Touch and massage mdash especially lsquotickle pointrsquo (high on back mdash stroke gently) Works with children of any age
03 Rocking
04 Sucking
05 Physical comforters mdash soft toys dummies blankets
06 Warmth approx 21 degrees C mdash (or cooling if child has a temperature)
07 Low soothing sounds familiar songs
08 Bathing in warm bath
09 Novelty mdash laughter
10 Avoid overstimulation especially loud voices noises too much chaos and too much change
My top three tips for parents to soothe our childrenrsquos worlds mdash The three lsquoSrsquos
01 Slow down mdash walk slower talk slower do less and allow an extra 15 minutes than you think you need to get children ready for a scheduled event like going to school Ask what you can take out of your life so that you can be a calmer parent especially in the early years mdash avoid wearing too many hats when your children are young
02 Soothe more mdash remember that brain chemicals flood our childrenrsquos brains quite irrationally and chaotically Reassure children that they are valued safe and that mistakes and accidents are normal
03 Create safety mdash is your home child friendly Can your children relax sometimes without being stressed to have your home looking like itrsquos a feature house in a House and Garden magazine Is there somewhere for introverted children to hide from people and the world to fill their energy cup
Parent tips for reducing stress in children
raquo Children benefit from calm quiet spaces in their world
raquo Avoid being rushed and hurried
raquo Use quiet voices with gentle tones
raquo Have regular quiet times in your home when all electronic stuff is turned off
raquo Allow children time just lsquoto bersquo and not always be busy
raquo Children sense their parentsrsquo stress and react to it mdash so reduce your stress
raquo Ensure children have good night sleep patterns
raquo Calmness can be learned mdash do a relaxation activity with them
raquo Avoid too much noise and visual stimulation in homes
raquo Avoid too much exposure to TVs computers smart phones and other electronic games and devices
raquo Create safe home environments with boundaries and routines
raquo Avoid too much significant change in childrenrsquos lives
raquo Avoid pressuring your children
raquo Soothing and reassuring children triggers oxytocin and calms children
mdash Maggie Dent Real Kids in an Unreal World (2nd edition 2016)
How to calm an overloaded nervous system in our homes centres amp classrooms
raquo Calm grown ups
raquo Routines and habits
raquo Silent sound signals
raquo Movement amp relaxation
raquo Calming music
raquo Mindfulness
raquo Low vocal tones
raquo Absorbed play
raquo Quiet corner bean bag
raquo Thinking time
raquo Regular quiet times
raquo Calming audio visualisations
raquo Laughter and lightness
raquo Plenty of nature time
Tips for soothing separation distress
Separation distress or anxiety is very common among children and Sunderland believes this distress can influence children even as old as eight
The changes of environment people routines and the number of other children they are interacting with can all cause spikes in cortisol creating those stress symptoms you might see mdash crying clinging tummy aches refusal to leave your side poor appetite restless sleep and even outbursts and tantrums
Remember this means the lsquodownstairs brainrsquo is registering threat mdash and is acting accordingly Remember too that the key stressor for children is separation from the most significant grownup who is their protector
As a starting point it is useful to explain to kids that new things places and people often make even adults feel those same feelings of being a little unsettled or anxious
Young children usually have strong imaginations and I have found that some small techniques that strengthen the connection to Mum or Dad while they are away from you can help lots
I have shared some of my strategies for dealing with separation anxiety in my article 10 Tips to Ease Separation Distress
Safe touchWhy is safe touch so important in caring relationships
Clinical studies at the American Academy of Paediatrics found that touch therapy helped premature newborn babies to gain weight It also improved asthmatic childrenrsquos breathing assisted in balancing glucose levels for diabetic children and lowered stress levels improving the immune system Researcher Tiffany Field PhD from the Touch Research Institute at the University of Miami believes that ldquotouch is as important to infants and children as eating and sleepingrdquo
Soothing touch triggers positive brain chemicals especially serotonin which quite literally soothes the nervous system of the whole child Other ways to soothe include rocking soothing calm sounds from a safe adult and listening to familiar songs or nursery rhymes
We do need to seriously reconsider the fear-driven perception we have around the safe touch of students A retired principal once told me that a lawyer had spoken to him about the legal perspective of being sued for inappropriate touching You can only be pursued legally if you have touched someone without their approval or consent This did not have to be verbal consent tacit approval was sufficient What this means is that when a child falls over or hurts his or herself and comes running with arms up for a hug we have their tacit approval Common-sense needs to prevail
What needs to happen in our homes and schools to ensure that our children know what safe touch entails is that we must educate our children around body safety and awareness No longer can we hope that a significant grown-up has given them some guidance In our highly sexualised world where explicit images and pornography can be found without even looking for them we must give our children the tools to be able to understand where touch is no longer safe for themselves or for others
How can we build more safe touch in our homes
01 If your young children find their way to your bed in the middle of the night because theyrsquore frightened welcome them immediately If you find it difficult to sleep with a squirming wriggling little one in your bed it is completely okay for one of the grown-ups to go and sleep in their bed (especially if your little one wonrsquot settle back into their bed) The important thing is to soothe the fear or the need to be close first One day you will miss the fact that they no longer turn up for a nightly snuggle
02 Be mindful of gentle touching your children more often ndash a gentle hand on the shoulder holding their hands ruffling their hair non-annoying tickling sitting really closely on the couch being really close when you read stories picking them up and holding them close in a hug secret handshakes and high fives all keep physical intimacy alive and well
03 Help your children to create a list of people they feel are safe to allow them to touch them respectfully We still need to be mindful that even the people in this safe circle need to be respectful of when children give their tacit approval to be held or touched My beautiful two-year-old granddaughter can be slow to warm when we first reconnect and I will always offer her a loving verbal greeting however with no pressure for her to respond equally She is just two and has a long way to go to understand the nuances of human interaction particularly communication Adolescents struggle in a similar way and again it is not a sign of disrespect ndash although it is often seen as that ndash or a sign that they donrsquot care for the people who are trying to communicate to them They also improve with continued growth of the prefrontal cortex
04 Each child will have a certain preference around safe touch Personal space is different for us all Some of our children particularly those with sensory processing disorder (SPD) or who are on the spectrum prefer not to be touched at all Some prefer very vigorous rugby style hugs others non-verbal gestures like a smile a wink or even a gentle nod of your head in their direction Some like to sit all over us ndash and often Some might like a gentle head massage or even a back tickle It can be really helpful when we follow their preferences and we are able to meet that hunger for safe touch
05 There is a special spot high up on the back below the neck (between the shoulders) that is particularly sensitive when touched in a gentle and slow way It has been called the tickle spot
It is a bit like an accelerator button that can trigger serotonin which is a calming brain chemical Sometimes in situations where we can see our children struggling gently stroking this spot can actually help them calm down and feel soothed I have used this spot often in the queue in shopping centres when my lads were starting to get restless
06 The calmer our children are the more receptive they will be to being touched in a loving way Sometimes when they are really stressed and could benefit from loving safe touch they reject it or push it away
07 It can be helpful having a conversation with those who are in your close parenting circle of family or friends about safe touch Tell those who you trust that you encourage safe touch I remember one of my sonrsquos best friends who was dealing with the sudden death of his dad telling my son that my hugs were all soft and squishy and they felt good Personally it took me a long time to be comfortable with other people touching me in a caring way and Irsquom a firm believer in the power of a good hug when itrsquos welcome
08 Sometimes being held with love by a trusted person can say more than any words
Dr Arthur Janov author of The Biology of Love (2000) argues that the absence of loving care early in life causes increased levels of stress for a person The result of this deprivation is high levels of cortisol that change the structure of the brain Brain scans taken of extremely violent young men show huge spaces in the pre-frontal lobe
It only takes one genuinely trustworthy person to use safe touch to reframe how a child sees the world and to reshape how their brains perceive safety and tenderness Our world needs more love kindness and gentleness right now and so let the conversation begin
Sibling conflict a normal part of family lifeldquoThere is no way around it Sibling rivalry is universal After all every human is genetically programmed to protect resources that will help him survive and your children depend on and compete for what are in fact precious resources mdash your time and attention
I found that parenting gets a lot easier when we as parents can do 3 very hard things
1 Regulate our emotions
2 Stay connected with our child even when wersquore setting limits or the child is upset
3 Coach instead of controlling by fostering emotional intelligence guiding with empathetic limits instead of punishment and supporting masteryrdquo
mdash Dr Laura Markham Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life (2015)
Sibling rivalry is indeed one of lifersquos great teachers Indeed it helps us learn how to get along with others It also helps put a bit more sensitivity into our feisty lsquoroosterrsquo children and a bit more lsquoroosterrsquo into our sensitive lambs when parenting children of different temperaments
I have written an article about sibling rivalry that offers more detail on where it comes from rivalry between roosters and lambs and how to manage it and how to turn aggression into awareness Read my article on sibling rivalry
How not to deal with sibling rivalryhellip
According to Dr Laura if we punish or are too permissive with our children around their fighting it only creates more fighting The reason for this is because if we are not demonstrating kindness and fairness to solve the issue our kids will model the same approach Your child will handle conflict the way you show them (Markham 2015)
Our children donrsquot learn to be empathetic compassionate human beings by being punished for sibling rivalry Instead they learn to do things simply to avoid punishment not to be intrinsically caring They donrsquot learn self-discipline (remember the Three Family Rules I wrote about earlier) they learn to use power over each other and it can make them fearful and more likely to be angry and depressed (Markham 2015)
Included in this notion of punishment are lsquotimeoutsrsquo Dr Laura and I are on the same page when it comes to thishellip timeouts can be another way of shaming our kids and disconnecting from the
When my four lads got into conflict I found a much better solution was to send them all outside together for five minutes for ldquoa change of sceneryrdquo Invariably after five minutes they wouldnrsquot bother coming back in because being outside had shifted their mood and they got caught up in a new game
So what does help
The key is to help siblings see the world through their siblingrsquos eyes ndash to show why something is not fair or may be unkind or just plain wrong
My suggestions
raquo Stay calm
raquo Ensure safety of all
raquo Make sense of what is happening
raquo Re-connect to family rules
raquo Avoid making quick judgements
raquo Allow calm down time while being nearby
raquo Connect with all parties in a warm way AFTERWARDS
OR Use a nudge
ldquoA nudge is essentially a means of encouraging or guiding behaviour but without mandating or instructing and ideally without the need for heavy financial incentives or sanctions Sometimes behaviour changes with a surprisingly light touchrdquo
mdash David Halpern Inside the Nudge Unit How small changes can make a big difference (2015)
Basically a nudge is a bit of gentle positive persuasion ndash hints suggestions helpful comments hellip
If you reduce friction a nudge can be a potent way of clearing the path to make it easy for people to do something that they probably already intended to do but had not got around to it
01 Unexpected small reward in private
02 A quiet thank you and a positive touch moment in private
03 Positive noticing
04 Mention good conflict solving at family meeting
05 Let kids hear you tell someone else how great they have been
06 Tell your kids they are smart and can work out ways to sort out conflict themselves
07 Change location when things get a bit lsquoouchyrsquo in a calm and warm way
08 Use lightness and novelty
09 Inspirational images around the house reminding everyone within that lsquolove lives herersquo and reflecting your familyrsquos values
Tips from Dr Laura01 Talk about feelings
02 Ask questions about feelings needs wants and choices
03 Explain and model ndash expect to repeat yourself
04 Practice finding win-win solutions
05 Model lsquoIrsquo statements ldquoI feel hellipBecause I wantneed hellip And I observed that hellip eg I feel worried because I want to get there on time and I see that you arenrsquot ready to leave yet so please put on your shoesrdquo
06 Model pro social behaviour
mdash Dr Laura Markham Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life (2015)
and alsoRead Dr Laurarsquos blog ldquoWhy punishment doesnrsquot teach your child accountabilityrdquo for more on punishment
Read her ldquoWhatrsquos Wrong With Timeoutsrdquo blog to find out why time outs are also not a great response to sibling conflicts
And her Siblings 101 blog has some fantastic tips for turning sibling rivalry around
You can find all of Dr Laura Markhamrsquos helpful blogs and her two Peaceful Parent books at wwwahaparentingcom
Your new role is as an interpreter mdash which is technically emotional coaching
And a few notes on some other dilemmas for anyone raising or working with childrenhellip
Telling liesEveryone tells lies
Some children are often frightened into telling lies
Explain the difference between black lies and white lies
Spend time honouring the truth
Read picture books about honesty ndash Franklin Fibs Aesoprsquos Fables Pig the Pug Fibber
I have done a video blog about when children tell lies so take a few minutes to watch that to hear my suggestions
Watch Telling Lies Blog
You might also be interested in this very interesting article talking about research that suggests children who are subjected to punitive methods of discipline are less likely to be honest
Tsunami of Technology ndash Keeping the Balance
The benefits of technology are a given However there are concerns and we need to be aware of those
Concerns to keep in mind
raquo Posture problems
raquo Learning the lsquoplay codersquo
raquo Impact on human communication amp intimacy
raquo Passivity
raquo Sleep issues
raquo Dopamine receptor changes
raquo Short sightedness
raquo Instant entertainment
raquo Language saturation
raquo Creativity
raquo Boredom
raquo Addictive usage
Recommendations
01 As little as possible under 5
02 Never allow screens in bedroom
03 Have excellent remote parental controls on all devices and PCsApples ndash I recommend you take a look at Family Zone
04 Make sure your children are only able to access Kids YouTube
05 Have clear boundaries especially at night
06 Keep in mind the use mdash educational vs entertainment
07 Best use is when there is interaction with others
08 Have a basket for all hand held screens including parentsrsquo around meal times or other together times
09 Check other parentsrsquo boundaries before allowing children to visit ndash be strong
10 Have techno free times for fun
I have a few articles and resources on screens at my common concerns page on screen time httpswwwmaggiedentcomcommon-concernsscreen-time
As a parent or adult caring for children be mindful of Digital Abandonment
Watch my video blog on Digital Abandonment in Modern Families
I am so impressed with the work being done on the digital dilemma for parents by Dr Kristy Goodwin Please take the time to check out her blog and her excellent book Raising Your Child in a Digital World httpdrkristygoodwincom
REFERENCES Dent M (2014) 9 Things A back-to-basics guide to calm common-sense connected parenting birth-8 Murwillumbah NSW Pennington Publications
Dent M (2016) Real Kids in an Unreal World Building resilience amp self-esteem in todayrsquos children Murwillumbah NSW Pennington Publications
Dent M (2003) Saving Our children from Our Chaotic World Teaching children the magic of silence and stillness Dunsborough WA Pennington Publications
Doidge N (2007) The Brain That Changes Itself Stories of personal triumph from the frontiers of brain science New York Viking
Fuller A (2007) Tricky kids Transforming conflict and freeing their potential Sydney Finch Publishing
Goleman D (1996) Emotional Intelligence Why it can matter more than IQ UK Bloomsbury Publishing
Goodwin K (2016) Raising Your Child in a Digital World Sydney Finch Publishing
Grille R (2008) Heart to Heart Parenting Nurturing your childrsquos emotional intelligence from conception to school age Sydney ABC Books
Grille R (2013) Parenting for a Peaceful World (second edition) Asheville NC Vox Cordis Press
Halpern D (2009) Inside the Nudge Unit How small changes can make a big difference UK WHAllen
Janov A (2000) The Biology of Love New York Prometheus Books
Jensen E (2006) Enriching the Brain San Francisco CA Jossey-Bass
Markham L (2015) Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life New York TarcherPerigree
Neufeld G amp Mateacute G (2005) Hold On to Your Kids Why parents need to matter more than peers New York Ballantine Books
Rando L (2010) Caring and Connected Parenting A guide to raising connected children from birth to 4 years CA USA The Spiritual Alliance to Stop Intimate Violence
Shanker S (2016) (with Teresa Barker) Self-Reg How to help your child (and you) break the stress cycle and successfully engage with life Penguin Press
Siegel D J MD amp Bryson T P PhD (2011) The Whole-Brain Child 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your childrsquos developing mind survive everyday parenting struggles and help your family thrive New York Delacorte Press
Sunderland M (2007) The Science of Parenting How todayrsquos brain research can help you raise happy emotionally balanced children New York DK Publishing
Thomas P (2006) Stress in Early Childhood Helping children and their carers ACT Australia Early Childhood Australia
amp some other good readsNaomi Aldort (2005) Raising Our Children Raising Ourselves
Marcy Axness (2012) Parenting for Peace Raising the next generation of peacemakers
All of Steve Biddulphrsquos books Raising Boys Raising Girls The New Manhood The Secret of Happy Childrenhellip
Breacutene Brown (2013) The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting Raising children with courage compassion amp connection Audio CD
Gary Chapman amp Ross Campbell (2012) The 5 Love Languages of Children
Shelley Davidow (2014) Raising Stress-Proof Kids Parenting todayrsquos children in tomorrowrsquos world
Carol Dweck (2012) Mindset The new psychology of success
Tim Gill (2007) No Fear Growing up in a risk averse society
Peter Gray (2013) Free to Learn Why unleashing the instinct to play will make our children happier more self-reliant and better students for life
Jo Jackson King (2010) Raising the Best Possible Child How to navigate parenting myths and bring up confident happy kids
Janet Lansbury (2014) Elevating Child Care A guide to respectful parenting AND No Bad Kids Toddler discipline without shame
Vanessa LaPointe (2015) Discipline Without Damage How to get your kids to behave without messing them up
Pam Leo (2007) Connection Parenting Parenting through connection instead of coercion through love instead of fear wwwConnectionParentingcom
Richard Louv (2005) Last Child in the Woods Saving our children from nature-deficit disorder
Laura Markham (2012) Peaceful Parent Happy Kids how to stop yelling and start connecting
Rachel Macy Stafford (2014) Hands Free Mama and her new book (2017) Only Love Today
Shefali Tsabary (2014) Out of Control Why disciplining your child doesnrsquot work and what will
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
raquo feeling sick or in pain raquo angry or frustrated raquo feeling powerless or weak raquo feeling unsafe or threatened raquo feeling unloved disconnected and invisible raquo feeling that no one cares
2 How can I help meet that need
You might say to your child raquo ldquoWill a hug helprdquo raquo ldquoHere is a drink of water Does that helprdquo raquo ldquoDo you feel sick Let me feel your headrdquo raquo ldquoLetrsquos go outside for a whilerdquo raquo ldquoCan I help you with somethingrdquo raquo ldquoTell me what you need right nowrdquo
Thenhellip Maybe offer a safe base ndash to enable a calming of their amygdala ndash allow some lsquocalm downrsquo time
raquo Kneel nearby and offer a calm kind presence raquo Go sit in a favourite spot ndash comfy chair or couch and hug their favourite soft toy ie to mimic
soothing raquo Take three deep breaths or three big sighs raquo Quietly start singing a favourite nursery rhyme or bedtime ritual song raquo Lay down on the floor nearby and be still and quiet raquo Spray some Bush Flower Essences or Emergency Essence around the room raquo Put on some nature soundscalming music raquo Send them rainbows of love
The Parental PauseChallenging behaviour from children is hard enough Of course when you add serious sleep deprivation lack of caffeine swirling hormones ndash especially for mums ndash and possibly hunger and an unbelievable sense of exhaustion it can be difficult to access your own freaking pre frontal cortex Sometimes you actually ponder as to whether yours has been stolen or maybe you left it somewhere accidentally
Let me reassure you ndash it has not been stolen and you have not left it somewhere You are not a bad person or a useless parent if you feel angry You simply need to master the art of the Parental Pause
What is the Parental Pause
This magical technique is beyond simple and will help you at times of high tension to be the person you wished you could be without hiding in your bedroom and eating a family block of fruit and nut chocolate (technically a form of health food surely)
It works like this
01 You stop moving You ground your feet
02 Gently bend your knees
03 Place your right hand on your heart
04 Take a deep breath Maybe another two deep breaths
05 Then you slowly stand close by or kneel near your child
Be present
Be still
Observe calmly the world through your childrsquos eyes
Inwardly to yourself ndash repeat these words silently ndash
ldquoMy child is not bad or naughty ndash they are just struggling to cope with their world Let me be what they need right now ndash a safe baserdquo
Thatrsquos it
Imagine that you are at a school assembly for one of your older children when your two-year-old says ldquoI want a drink of waterrdquo Maybe you might calmly respond by saying ldquoBabe I canrsquot get you a drink of water right now However I will as soon as this finishesrdquo The two-year-old starts whining and says much louder ldquoI want some water now Mummyrdquo Again you try to placate her by saying ldquoWersquoll just have to wait til this finishesrdquo and the two-year-old starts to lose the plot Sound familiar
John Medina writes in his excellent book Brain Rules (2014 wwwbrainrulesnet) of the work of behaviourist John Gottman According to Gottman one of the best ways to manage a potential meltdown situation ndash especially with a young child who has poor executive function in her upstairs brain ndash is to acknowledge the childrsquos feelings and empathise
So if that two-year-old who is having a meltdown at the school assembly had heard the following words she might have felt heard ldquoBabe you are thirsty and I reckon a big drink of nice cold water would make you feel so much better I wish I had a drink in my bag so that I could give it to you right now and you could drink as much as you likedrdquo
According to Gottman such an empathetic response which helps identify the emotions that are present acts like pouring water onto a flame as it diffuses intense emotional moments Technically this is called lsquocoaching of emotionsrsquo however it can also be called taming the emotions This has to be one of the best secrets that Irsquove found and I have tried it on other peoplersquos children to find it works every time It ticks all the boxes of meaningful adult interaction
in that it is respectful and it is teaching and guiding a childrsquos awareness As the child is heard and validated it seems to soothe the cortisol levels in the childrsquos brain quite quickly So the next time your child pesters you for a biscuit and it is just before dinner try validating that for them ldquoI know you want a biscuit now sweetheart because I know you like biscuits and you are going to feel frustrated and a little angry when I donrsquot get you one because itrsquos just before dinner We can have a biscuit tomorrow when it isnrsquot time for dinnerrdquo
Anxiety amp self-regulationSymptoms of anxiety
raquo Complaints of stomach aches or headaches raquo Sleep problems or difficulty concentrating raquo Behavioural changes such as moodiness a short temper or clinginess raquo Development of a nervous habit such as nail biting raquo Refusal to go to school or getting into trouble at school raquo Avoidance behaviours raquo Arousal heart rate breathing shaky and dizzy raquo Fatigue and exhaustion
Frequently Missed Symptoms of Anxiety
raquo Angry outbursts
raquo Oppositional and refusal behaviours
raquo Temper tantrums
raquo Aggression
raquo Attention seeking behaviours
raquo Hyperactivity and difficulty sitting still
raquo Concentration problems
raquo Scholastic underachievement or excessive resistance to doing work
raquo Frequent visits to school nurse
raquo High number of missed school days
raquo Difficulties with social or peer group
mdash Source Dr Lyn Miller address to The Development of Childrenrsquos Mental Health How Do We Become Who We Are Conference Canada 2012
Sometimes what is seen as misbehaviour is more a stress behaviour Or a sign your child is not coping with their world In the excellent new book on self-regulation Self-Reg How to help your child (and you) break the stress cycle and successfully engage with life by Dr Stuart Shanker with Teresa Barker (2016) we learn much to help us understand stress behaviour
Shanker Self-Regtrade is explained in the following way
bull Self-Reg starts by reframing a childrsquos behaviour and for that matter our own It means seeing the meaning of the childrsquos behaviour maybe for the first time
bull Self-Reg will show you where to stand how to bring your childrsquos behaviour into focus respond to your childrsquos needs and help your child help himself
bull Self-Reg starts with how well we can identify and reduce our own stressors and how we can stay calm and attentive when we interact with a child
mdash Source Stuart Shanker Self-Reg (2016)
The brain and self-regulation
Babies only have a lsquoprimitive brainrsquo and somewhere in the growth over the first years of life they grow the next level of the brain the limbic brain You often hear this referred to as the emotional centre of the brain and basically this system lies underneath our more rational pre-frontal cortex Some of the limbic systemrsquos major structures include the
raquo Amygdala
raquo Hippocampus
raquo Hypothalamus
raquo Striatum
The limbic system is the where our strong emotions and urges come from Think of the meltdowns and temper tantrums over the wrong coloured cup the sandwich cut the wrong way and the apple peeled instead of not
In his book Enriching the Brain (2006) Eric Jensen writes that memories are anchored much more deeply when there are strong emotions present The limbic system plays a part here too That is why powerful scary memories anchor so deeply in the brain alongside those memories that were accompanied by exquisite joy (If you want some ideas about this read my Making Memories That Matter article)
ldquo Love desire fear shame anger and trauma all share a neurological home baserdquo mdash Shanker (2016)
Now we often hear about how stress and especially prolonged distress triggers us to come from our lsquoprimitive brainrsquo ndash so we go into fight flight or freeze mode And this can inhibit our ability to respond from our pre-frontal cortex (which isnrsquot fully formed until wersquore adults) This aspect of our brain which is commonly referred to as our lsquohigherrsquo brain or lsquoexecutive functioningrsquo brain plays a role in managing our emotions planning making decisions deliberating over consequences and guiding our social behaviour and the like
Shanker (2016) writes about how very influential the limbic system in particular the hypothalamus is in regulating everything from our body temperature hunger and thirst heart rate and breathing through to ldquoaspects of hearing speaking mind reading other peoplersquos social and emotional cues parenting and attachment behavioursrdquo
Basically he explains ldquoAll of these different functions are tied to the brainrsquos most primitive response to anything from relatively minor stressors to fullon threats ndash or at least what our limbic system lsquodecidesrsquo is a threat When we can calm that response we begin to bring all of the other self-regulatory processes into syncrdquo
He also refers to new discoveries being made all the time into how being in flightflight mode can switch off certain brain functions including for example how stress impacts on childrenrsquos middle ear muscles and affects their capacity to process speech and hear low-frequency sounds (Shanker 2016)
I am pretty sure that in a moment of conflict a parent would seldom be using low frequency sounds No wonder they canrsquot hear us
I have a video blog on Why boysrsquo behaviour is their language but really this notion applies to all children and as parents and educators we need to be like detectives in looking for clues to determine when a child is stressed and needs support to calm their stress levels
Similar to the symptoms listed above for anxiety stressed children can present in many ways irritable unfocused explosive clingy aggressive quick to anger oppositional overly teary hard to get moving overly sensitivehellip all of these are signs your child may be experiencing a high level of stress
No matter what the triggers for this stress are ndash these children who are often seen as naughty or badly behaved are quite simply not coping with their world The children who are under more stress have less capacity to manage Excess stress drains their energy and then if they meet more challenge that triggers more stress everything can collide together like a perfect storm
I believe that the lsquoschoolificationrsquo of young children is a major contributor to the increase in stress anxiety and a lot of inappropriate behaviour wersquore seeing as many children are struggling to cope
Main sources of stress and anxiety in children raquo Hurried over-scheduled world
raquo Temperaments and personality
raquo Absence of healthy love and attachment
raquo Too much pressure on children to perform
raquo Stressed parents who rush
raquo Not enough calm still quiet solo time
raquo Poor sleep patterns
raquo Too much stimulation from TV toys and adult commands
raquo Not enough consistency and routines
raquo Too much social change or social dislocation
raquo Shaming language
raquo Threats of abuse and violence
raquo Death and loss experiences
An overactive stress response system originating in childhood underlies many mental disorders later in life
raquo Depression
raquo Persistent states of anxiety
raquo Phobias and obsessions
raquo Physical symptoms and illness
raquo Being cut off emotionally
raquo Lethargy and lack of get up and go
raquo Lack of desire and excitement
raquo Lack of spontaneity
Much of the punishment that children receive for poor behaviour can be seen as adding fuel to a smouldering fire Think blaming shaming shouting and hitting ndash these punitive measures are still lingering from the harsh parenting and education practices of the last century especially before the 1970s
If punishment is too harsh a child can simply shut down ndash a serious level of stress survival that can sometimes look like compliance It is actually a sign that the child is highly distressed and can be damaging to your ongoing relationship
The damaging effects of shaming
Shame is the name we give to the overwhelming feeling that we need to crawl under a rock because we see ourselves as unworthy unpleasant unlikeable or reprehensible and because we expect to be judged or rejected accordingly
ldquoShame is like a knife that sharply delineates the limits of love in every culture the warning signal that something we are doing risks us being ostracisedrdquo
mdash Robin Grille Heart to Heart Parenting (2008)
Examples of shaming
raquo Deliberately ignoring a child
raquo Being sarcastic
raquo Walking away as though a child does not exist
raquo Rolling onersquos eyes
raquo Glaring at a child with disgust
raquo Shouting yelling and swearing at a child
We also shame when we say things such as
raquo ldquoYou ought to be ashamed of yourselfrdquo
raquo ldquoYou naughty boyrdquo
raquo ldquoYou are acting like a selfish bratrdquo
raquo ldquoYoursquove been a bad little girlrdquo
raquo ldquoGrow uprdquo
raquo ldquoStop acting like a babyrdquo
raquo ldquoDonrsquot be a sissyrdquo
raquo Girls donrsquot do that sort of thingrdquo
raquo ldquoYoursquore hopelessrdquo
raquo ldquoYoursquore not even tryingrdquo
raquo ldquoWhy canrsquot you be more like your brotherrdquo
raquo What are people going to think
The dynamics of energyUnderpinning this work in self-regulation is the notion that rather than shaming and controlling our children for reacting to stress we can help them learn to self-regulate We do this by supporting them to recognise whatrsquos going on in their bodies and how they can make themselves feel better A lot of this has to do with them (and us) monitoring their energy levels and what might be affecting them
This actually happens from birth Shanker (2016) writes of the ldquointer-brainrdquo which is ldquoa right brain-to-right brain communication channel between the parents and the baby delivered through touch sounds looks and even smellsrdquo
ldquoWe are designed to draw energy from one another and restore energy through one anotherhellip The better we can understand what might be draining a childrsquos energy reserves the better we can tailor our interactions and the choices we make to reduce that strainrdquo
mdash Stuart Shanker Self-Reg (2016)
Further Shanker says most stressors can be broken down to belonging in one of ldquoThe Five Domains of Stress and Self-Regulationrdquo biological emotional cognitive social and pro-social
Each of these domains has various stressors belonging to them and the better we understand those the better we can help to reduce them For example Shanker lists a pro-social stressor as ldquohaving to deal with other peoplersquos strong emotionsrdquo while a biological stressor might be tiredness or a noisy environment We can then look for signs that our child is potentially experiencing one of these stressors (Shanker 2016)
As parents carers and educators by having a greater understanding of these domains ndash stressors can come from more than one at a time ndash we can identify when children are experiencing issues in the various domains and adjust things to reduce the stress
More on self-regulationhellipThrough his work with The Mehrit Centre Dr Stuart Shanker has provided a wealth of excellent free resources on his website for teachers and parents and I would encourage everyone to not only read his new book Self-Reg but to spend some time browsing the site reading about these methods in more detail and using some of the tools provided at home or in your centreclassroom httpsself-regcaself-reg
In particular you may find these infographics helpful
Understanding Stress Behaviour for Parents Understanding Stress Behaviour for Teachers The Five Steps to Self-Regulation (The Shanker Methodtrade)
Becoming a CSI Detective We have to remember that in all interactions with our children maintaining a warm relationship needs to be first priority
Patterns habits routines and structure make the world more predictable and less startling for children I write about why healthy boundaries matter in my 10 resilience building blocks for an important reason
The better a baby and young children can recognise predictable patterns the less frightening and more engaging the world becomes Babies constantly look and listen for patterns all around them With pattern recognition comes the ability to know what yoursquore feeling and to act in an intentional way in your environment ndash it helps all of us anticipate what will happen next without becoming frightened about the uncertainty of the world
Chaos and rigidity are the two most confronting things that can impact our little onersquos lives Having routines and consistency makes the world safer for them and so they are not wasting vital energy figuring out if they are safe or not Always having to focus on survival denies children the capacity to interact in a curious way with the world Children quickly flip to survival brain because their pre frontal cortex is too immature and they will struggle when they donrsquot
understand what they are experiencing or why people are behaving the way they are or when this is too much for them Confusion and uncertainty are the opposite of having patterns and routines
The stronger a child is attached to key caregivers and the more attuned these caregivers are the better the child will navigate the uncertainties they will meet ndash moment by moment This means they will have more energy to explore and seek new things Yes it does take hours and hours of connected interaction to build these predictable pathways ndash this is called scaffolding and is essential to all learning Scaffolding is respectful to our young children because it values the input of the child first rather than something we do with a child
Acknowledging kids positively raquo Smile at them
raquo Wink at them
raquo Say hello using their name
raquo Say ldquoIrsquom glad to see yourdquo
raquo Suggest ldquoLetrsquos go play togetherrdquo
raquo Ask them to show you how to do a puzzle
raquo Give them a pat on the head back
raquo Hug them if appropriate
raquo Ask about their favourite toy
raquo Play a hand or clapping game with them
raquo Hold their hand
raquo Say things like
bull ldquoThank you for helping me clean up the toysrdquo
bull ldquoI noticed you washing your hands after going to the toiletrdquo
bull ldquoI know how hard it is to be patient when you play with othersrdquo
bull ldquoI noticed you using your quiet voice mdash well donerdquo
raquo Sing songs with them especially their favourite ones
raquo Cuddle up and watch ABC Kids with them
raquo Pretend to be an animal
raquo Call them up and say hello
raquo Make them laugh
Communicating compassionately with our children
Communication seems such a simple thing to do however poor communication is one of the key factors underlying conflict in our families We simply misunderstand each other
Being heard
Here are some phrases you might use that let your child know you are really hearing him or her
raquo ldquoLet me put this down so I can give you my full attentionrdquo
raquo ldquoWait a second while I turn off the TVradiocomputer so I can really hear yourdquo
raquo ldquoLetrsquos have some time together nowrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat would you like to do when we have our time together tomorrow afternoonrdquo
raquo ldquoSo what you mean isrdquo
raquo ldquoTell me more about thisrdquo
raquo ldquoIn other wordsrdquo
raquo ldquoLet me see if I understand you so farrdquo
raquo ldquoThat must have beenfor yourdquo
raquo ldquoAre you open to some feedback from merdquo
raquo ldquoNow thatrsquos interestingrdquo
raquo ldquoDoes that feel fair to yourdquo
raquo ldquoTell me what you were hoping to dordquo
raquo ldquoHow can we make this betterrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat do you think needs to happen nowrdquo
raquo ldquoSounds like youwe have a problemrdquo
raquo ldquoWhose problem is thisrdquo
raquo ldquoDoes that feel kind to yourdquo
raquo ldquoThere is a problem here How can I help you to sort it outrdquo
raquo ldquoCheck it out inside Does it feel rightrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat were you trying to do hererdquo
raquo ldquoDo you need my help right now to sort out what is happeningrdquo
raquo ldquoI know you can handle itrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat would you like to do nowrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat would a good friend do nowrdquo
raquo ldquoI noticed thatrdquo
raquo ldquoHaving a go is important mdash we canrsquot all win
Some secrets of positive parental communication
raquo Distraction
raquo Respectful caring requests
raquo Saying ldquoYes mdash Afterrdquo
raquo ldquoItrsquos just the right thing to dordquo
raquo Really listening
raquo Calm down time
Four steps to nurturing the inner genius in your child
1 Pause and become present
2 Ask ldquoDid you do that all by yourselfrdquo
3 Explain why the choice is one you would prefer they didnrsquot make again
4 Have them clean up the mess
Creating a family solution-seeking processldquo90 of childhood misbehaviour is the result of the developmental journeyrdquo
ndash Dr Gordon Neufeld Hold On to Your Kids (2005)
Essentially this means that childrenrsquos behaviour when it does not meet our expectations is not so much wrong or bad it is mainly children being children with a childrsquos mind and depth of experience If a childrsquos behaviour is inconvenient to us as an adult it too is not bad or wrong it is merely a normal part of the developmental journey of growing from child to adult Next time yoursquore frustrated and angry about your childrsquos behaviour pause take a deep breath and see if you can view that behaviour through the eyes of a child
One more thing is consider what we say to ourselves in our mind I so often hear the term lsquoattention seekingrsquo when talking about inappropriate behaviour in children If we could reframe that to ndash lsquolove seeking or connection seekingrsquo our response will be different
Family meetings are a wonderful way to resolve issues affirm values and rules and to connect Read my article on 10 Top Tips for a Successful Family Meeting
More on childrenrsquos anxietyRobin Grille in his book Heart to Heart Parenting (2008) outlines some of the things that are going on in a babyrsquos consciousness that I think are very helpful for is to keep in mind
raquo Babies feel everything far more intensely than do adults
raquo Babies cannot lie put on an act or pretend like older children What you see is what you get mdash complete emotional honesty
raquo Babies cannot plan or think ahead mdash all they do is to react
raquo Babies are incapable of influencing or manipulating anyone
raquo Babies do not understand time
raquo Babies have very little ability to soothe themselves
raquo Babies have no strong defences against pain or sorrow as they do not yet have the fight or flight response
raquo If babies learn that reaching out is rewarding they will become strong communicators able to connect with people more effectively
ldquoLow serotonin levels are a key component in many forms of aggression and violent behaviour Opiods are vital to diminish feelings of fear and stress so deactivation of opiods in parts of the brain leads to increases in negative feelings and stress and decreases in positive feelingsrdquo
mdash Margot Sunderland The Science of Parenting (2007)
Distress (chronic stress)
01 Halves neuron development
02 Reduces effectiveness of the dendrites
03 Reduces brain to lsquosurvivalrsquo mode rather than upper cognitive processing
04 Reduces blood supply to the brain
05 Stimulates emotional meltdowns
06 Impedes immune system
What happens to the body when it enters lsquoflight or fightrsquo state (Distress)
raquo Breathing becomes shallow
raquo The heart rate increases
raquo Blood pressure rises
raquo Adrenaline and cortisol hormones are released into the blood
raquo The senses are heightened
raquo The liver releases stored sugar into the blood
raquo Muscles tense and tighten
raquo Blood flow increases to the brain and major muscles and is constricted to the extremities
mdash Patrice Thomas Stress in Early Childhood (2006)
Calming our children ndash strategies Now that we have looked at many of the symptoms and causes of stress and anxiety I want to focus on ways to help calm our children and our homes classrooms and early years centres This first thing to bear in mind is
ldquoHappy Calm Children Learn Bestrdquo
mdash Daniel Goleman
This quote is so truehellip our children need to be happy and calm to learn at school and at home If they are stressed all their energy and enthusiasm will be diverted to dealing with that stress So letrsquos look at how to support them with this
Herersquos a summary of some of my resources to help your children with anxiety
ArticlesThe Importance of a Go-Slow Childhood 10 Tips to Ease Separation Distress The Invisible Enemy of Anxiety Childhood Stress
AudiosI have several audios to help with anxiety
SafeNSound and Sleepytime are for under 10s and are free from my website
My latest download for anxious children is called Soothing the Frightened Butterflies which costs $5 as a download This can really help build coping and calming strategies for anxious kids
Managing our own stress especially for busy mums is important and that may mean joining a class or group to try yoga tai chi meditation or mindfulness activities or sound relaxation mdash or you can do any of these things when you have some free time in your own home Try my free Moonlight Relaxation for Mums (and mother figures)
Soothing calming and relaxationThe opposite of stress and distress is calmness and feeling relaxed If a child clings to you she is trying to bring down a high body arousal level and high levels of stress chemicals She is trying to activate the positive brain chemicals that activate feelings of wellbeing Research shows that children who have been soothed quickly and frequently tend to become self-soothers and manage stress better (Sunderland 2007) Due to the neuroplasticity of the human brain calmness can be learned at any stage of life
Top tips for soothing Key ways to trigger oxytocin mdash the love neurotransmitter
01 Calm adults
02 Touch and massage mdash especially lsquotickle pointrsquo (high on back mdash stroke gently) Works with children of any age
03 Rocking
04 Sucking
05 Physical comforters mdash soft toys dummies blankets
06 Warmth approx 21 degrees C mdash (or cooling if child has a temperature)
07 Low soothing sounds familiar songs
08 Bathing in warm bath
09 Novelty mdash laughter
10 Avoid overstimulation especially loud voices noises too much chaos and too much change
My top three tips for parents to soothe our childrenrsquos worlds mdash The three lsquoSrsquos
01 Slow down mdash walk slower talk slower do less and allow an extra 15 minutes than you think you need to get children ready for a scheduled event like going to school Ask what you can take out of your life so that you can be a calmer parent especially in the early years mdash avoid wearing too many hats when your children are young
02 Soothe more mdash remember that brain chemicals flood our childrenrsquos brains quite irrationally and chaotically Reassure children that they are valued safe and that mistakes and accidents are normal
03 Create safety mdash is your home child friendly Can your children relax sometimes without being stressed to have your home looking like itrsquos a feature house in a House and Garden magazine Is there somewhere for introverted children to hide from people and the world to fill their energy cup
Parent tips for reducing stress in children
raquo Children benefit from calm quiet spaces in their world
raquo Avoid being rushed and hurried
raquo Use quiet voices with gentle tones
raquo Have regular quiet times in your home when all electronic stuff is turned off
raquo Allow children time just lsquoto bersquo and not always be busy
raquo Children sense their parentsrsquo stress and react to it mdash so reduce your stress
raquo Ensure children have good night sleep patterns
raquo Calmness can be learned mdash do a relaxation activity with them
raquo Avoid too much noise and visual stimulation in homes
raquo Avoid too much exposure to TVs computers smart phones and other electronic games and devices
raquo Create safe home environments with boundaries and routines
raquo Avoid too much significant change in childrenrsquos lives
raquo Avoid pressuring your children
raquo Soothing and reassuring children triggers oxytocin and calms children
mdash Maggie Dent Real Kids in an Unreal World (2nd edition 2016)
How to calm an overloaded nervous system in our homes centres amp classrooms
raquo Calm grown ups
raquo Routines and habits
raquo Silent sound signals
raquo Movement amp relaxation
raquo Calming music
raquo Mindfulness
raquo Low vocal tones
raquo Absorbed play
raquo Quiet corner bean bag
raquo Thinking time
raquo Regular quiet times
raquo Calming audio visualisations
raquo Laughter and lightness
raquo Plenty of nature time
Tips for soothing separation distress
Separation distress or anxiety is very common among children and Sunderland believes this distress can influence children even as old as eight
The changes of environment people routines and the number of other children they are interacting with can all cause spikes in cortisol creating those stress symptoms you might see mdash crying clinging tummy aches refusal to leave your side poor appetite restless sleep and even outbursts and tantrums
Remember this means the lsquodownstairs brainrsquo is registering threat mdash and is acting accordingly Remember too that the key stressor for children is separation from the most significant grownup who is their protector
As a starting point it is useful to explain to kids that new things places and people often make even adults feel those same feelings of being a little unsettled or anxious
Young children usually have strong imaginations and I have found that some small techniques that strengthen the connection to Mum or Dad while they are away from you can help lots
I have shared some of my strategies for dealing with separation anxiety in my article 10 Tips to Ease Separation Distress
Safe touchWhy is safe touch so important in caring relationships
Clinical studies at the American Academy of Paediatrics found that touch therapy helped premature newborn babies to gain weight It also improved asthmatic childrenrsquos breathing assisted in balancing glucose levels for diabetic children and lowered stress levels improving the immune system Researcher Tiffany Field PhD from the Touch Research Institute at the University of Miami believes that ldquotouch is as important to infants and children as eating and sleepingrdquo
Soothing touch triggers positive brain chemicals especially serotonin which quite literally soothes the nervous system of the whole child Other ways to soothe include rocking soothing calm sounds from a safe adult and listening to familiar songs or nursery rhymes
We do need to seriously reconsider the fear-driven perception we have around the safe touch of students A retired principal once told me that a lawyer had spoken to him about the legal perspective of being sued for inappropriate touching You can only be pursued legally if you have touched someone without their approval or consent This did not have to be verbal consent tacit approval was sufficient What this means is that when a child falls over or hurts his or herself and comes running with arms up for a hug we have their tacit approval Common-sense needs to prevail
What needs to happen in our homes and schools to ensure that our children know what safe touch entails is that we must educate our children around body safety and awareness No longer can we hope that a significant grown-up has given them some guidance In our highly sexualised world where explicit images and pornography can be found without even looking for them we must give our children the tools to be able to understand where touch is no longer safe for themselves or for others
How can we build more safe touch in our homes
01 If your young children find their way to your bed in the middle of the night because theyrsquore frightened welcome them immediately If you find it difficult to sleep with a squirming wriggling little one in your bed it is completely okay for one of the grown-ups to go and sleep in their bed (especially if your little one wonrsquot settle back into their bed) The important thing is to soothe the fear or the need to be close first One day you will miss the fact that they no longer turn up for a nightly snuggle
02 Be mindful of gentle touching your children more often ndash a gentle hand on the shoulder holding their hands ruffling their hair non-annoying tickling sitting really closely on the couch being really close when you read stories picking them up and holding them close in a hug secret handshakes and high fives all keep physical intimacy alive and well
03 Help your children to create a list of people they feel are safe to allow them to touch them respectfully We still need to be mindful that even the people in this safe circle need to be respectful of when children give their tacit approval to be held or touched My beautiful two-year-old granddaughter can be slow to warm when we first reconnect and I will always offer her a loving verbal greeting however with no pressure for her to respond equally She is just two and has a long way to go to understand the nuances of human interaction particularly communication Adolescents struggle in a similar way and again it is not a sign of disrespect ndash although it is often seen as that ndash or a sign that they donrsquot care for the people who are trying to communicate to them They also improve with continued growth of the prefrontal cortex
04 Each child will have a certain preference around safe touch Personal space is different for us all Some of our children particularly those with sensory processing disorder (SPD) or who are on the spectrum prefer not to be touched at all Some prefer very vigorous rugby style hugs others non-verbal gestures like a smile a wink or even a gentle nod of your head in their direction Some like to sit all over us ndash and often Some might like a gentle head massage or even a back tickle It can be really helpful when we follow their preferences and we are able to meet that hunger for safe touch
05 There is a special spot high up on the back below the neck (between the shoulders) that is particularly sensitive when touched in a gentle and slow way It has been called the tickle spot
It is a bit like an accelerator button that can trigger serotonin which is a calming brain chemical Sometimes in situations where we can see our children struggling gently stroking this spot can actually help them calm down and feel soothed I have used this spot often in the queue in shopping centres when my lads were starting to get restless
06 The calmer our children are the more receptive they will be to being touched in a loving way Sometimes when they are really stressed and could benefit from loving safe touch they reject it or push it away
07 It can be helpful having a conversation with those who are in your close parenting circle of family or friends about safe touch Tell those who you trust that you encourage safe touch I remember one of my sonrsquos best friends who was dealing with the sudden death of his dad telling my son that my hugs were all soft and squishy and they felt good Personally it took me a long time to be comfortable with other people touching me in a caring way and Irsquom a firm believer in the power of a good hug when itrsquos welcome
08 Sometimes being held with love by a trusted person can say more than any words
Dr Arthur Janov author of The Biology of Love (2000) argues that the absence of loving care early in life causes increased levels of stress for a person The result of this deprivation is high levels of cortisol that change the structure of the brain Brain scans taken of extremely violent young men show huge spaces in the pre-frontal lobe
It only takes one genuinely trustworthy person to use safe touch to reframe how a child sees the world and to reshape how their brains perceive safety and tenderness Our world needs more love kindness and gentleness right now and so let the conversation begin
Sibling conflict a normal part of family lifeldquoThere is no way around it Sibling rivalry is universal After all every human is genetically programmed to protect resources that will help him survive and your children depend on and compete for what are in fact precious resources mdash your time and attention
I found that parenting gets a lot easier when we as parents can do 3 very hard things
1 Regulate our emotions
2 Stay connected with our child even when wersquore setting limits or the child is upset
3 Coach instead of controlling by fostering emotional intelligence guiding with empathetic limits instead of punishment and supporting masteryrdquo
mdash Dr Laura Markham Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life (2015)
Sibling rivalry is indeed one of lifersquos great teachers Indeed it helps us learn how to get along with others It also helps put a bit more sensitivity into our feisty lsquoroosterrsquo children and a bit more lsquoroosterrsquo into our sensitive lambs when parenting children of different temperaments
I have written an article about sibling rivalry that offers more detail on where it comes from rivalry between roosters and lambs and how to manage it and how to turn aggression into awareness Read my article on sibling rivalry
How not to deal with sibling rivalryhellip
According to Dr Laura if we punish or are too permissive with our children around their fighting it only creates more fighting The reason for this is because if we are not demonstrating kindness and fairness to solve the issue our kids will model the same approach Your child will handle conflict the way you show them (Markham 2015)
Our children donrsquot learn to be empathetic compassionate human beings by being punished for sibling rivalry Instead they learn to do things simply to avoid punishment not to be intrinsically caring They donrsquot learn self-discipline (remember the Three Family Rules I wrote about earlier) they learn to use power over each other and it can make them fearful and more likely to be angry and depressed (Markham 2015)
Included in this notion of punishment are lsquotimeoutsrsquo Dr Laura and I are on the same page when it comes to thishellip timeouts can be another way of shaming our kids and disconnecting from the
When my four lads got into conflict I found a much better solution was to send them all outside together for five minutes for ldquoa change of sceneryrdquo Invariably after five minutes they wouldnrsquot bother coming back in because being outside had shifted their mood and they got caught up in a new game
So what does help
The key is to help siblings see the world through their siblingrsquos eyes ndash to show why something is not fair or may be unkind or just plain wrong
My suggestions
raquo Stay calm
raquo Ensure safety of all
raquo Make sense of what is happening
raquo Re-connect to family rules
raquo Avoid making quick judgements
raquo Allow calm down time while being nearby
raquo Connect with all parties in a warm way AFTERWARDS
OR Use a nudge
ldquoA nudge is essentially a means of encouraging or guiding behaviour but without mandating or instructing and ideally without the need for heavy financial incentives or sanctions Sometimes behaviour changes with a surprisingly light touchrdquo
mdash David Halpern Inside the Nudge Unit How small changes can make a big difference (2015)
Basically a nudge is a bit of gentle positive persuasion ndash hints suggestions helpful comments hellip
If you reduce friction a nudge can be a potent way of clearing the path to make it easy for people to do something that they probably already intended to do but had not got around to it
01 Unexpected small reward in private
02 A quiet thank you and a positive touch moment in private
03 Positive noticing
04 Mention good conflict solving at family meeting
05 Let kids hear you tell someone else how great they have been
06 Tell your kids they are smart and can work out ways to sort out conflict themselves
07 Change location when things get a bit lsquoouchyrsquo in a calm and warm way
08 Use lightness and novelty
09 Inspirational images around the house reminding everyone within that lsquolove lives herersquo and reflecting your familyrsquos values
Tips from Dr Laura01 Talk about feelings
02 Ask questions about feelings needs wants and choices
03 Explain and model ndash expect to repeat yourself
04 Practice finding win-win solutions
05 Model lsquoIrsquo statements ldquoI feel hellipBecause I wantneed hellip And I observed that hellip eg I feel worried because I want to get there on time and I see that you arenrsquot ready to leave yet so please put on your shoesrdquo
06 Model pro social behaviour
mdash Dr Laura Markham Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life (2015)
and alsoRead Dr Laurarsquos blog ldquoWhy punishment doesnrsquot teach your child accountabilityrdquo for more on punishment
Read her ldquoWhatrsquos Wrong With Timeoutsrdquo blog to find out why time outs are also not a great response to sibling conflicts
And her Siblings 101 blog has some fantastic tips for turning sibling rivalry around
You can find all of Dr Laura Markhamrsquos helpful blogs and her two Peaceful Parent books at wwwahaparentingcom
Your new role is as an interpreter mdash which is technically emotional coaching
And a few notes on some other dilemmas for anyone raising or working with childrenhellip
Telling liesEveryone tells lies
Some children are often frightened into telling lies
Explain the difference between black lies and white lies
Spend time honouring the truth
Read picture books about honesty ndash Franklin Fibs Aesoprsquos Fables Pig the Pug Fibber
I have done a video blog about when children tell lies so take a few minutes to watch that to hear my suggestions
Watch Telling Lies Blog
You might also be interested in this very interesting article talking about research that suggests children who are subjected to punitive methods of discipline are less likely to be honest
Tsunami of Technology ndash Keeping the Balance
The benefits of technology are a given However there are concerns and we need to be aware of those
Concerns to keep in mind
raquo Posture problems
raquo Learning the lsquoplay codersquo
raquo Impact on human communication amp intimacy
raquo Passivity
raquo Sleep issues
raquo Dopamine receptor changes
raquo Short sightedness
raquo Instant entertainment
raquo Language saturation
raquo Creativity
raquo Boredom
raquo Addictive usage
Recommendations
01 As little as possible under 5
02 Never allow screens in bedroom
03 Have excellent remote parental controls on all devices and PCsApples ndash I recommend you take a look at Family Zone
04 Make sure your children are only able to access Kids YouTube
05 Have clear boundaries especially at night
06 Keep in mind the use mdash educational vs entertainment
07 Best use is when there is interaction with others
08 Have a basket for all hand held screens including parentsrsquo around meal times or other together times
09 Check other parentsrsquo boundaries before allowing children to visit ndash be strong
10 Have techno free times for fun
I have a few articles and resources on screens at my common concerns page on screen time httpswwwmaggiedentcomcommon-concernsscreen-time
As a parent or adult caring for children be mindful of Digital Abandonment
Watch my video blog on Digital Abandonment in Modern Families
I am so impressed with the work being done on the digital dilemma for parents by Dr Kristy Goodwin Please take the time to check out her blog and her excellent book Raising Your Child in a Digital World httpdrkristygoodwincom
REFERENCES Dent M (2014) 9 Things A back-to-basics guide to calm common-sense connected parenting birth-8 Murwillumbah NSW Pennington Publications
Dent M (2016) Real Kids in an Unreal World Building resilience amp self-esteem in todayrsquos children Murwillumbah NSW Pennington Publications
Dent M (2003) Saving Our children from Our Chaotic World Teaching children the magic of silence and stillness Dunsborough WA Pennington Publications
Doidge N (2007) The Brain That Changes Itself Stories of personal triumph from the frontiers of brain science New York Viking
Fuller A (2007) Tricky kids Transforming conflict and freeing their potential Sydney Finch Publishing
Goleman D (1996) Emotional Intelligence Why it can matter more than IQ UK Bloomsbury Publishing
Goodwin K (2016) Raising Your Child in a Digital World Sydney Finch Publishing
Grille R (2008) Heart to Heart Parenting Nurturing your childrsquos emotional intelligence from conception to school age Sydney ABC Books
Grille R (2013) Parenting for a Peaceful World (second edition) Asheville NC Vox Cordis Press
Halpern D (2009) Inside the Nudge Unit How small changes can make a big difference UK WHAllen
Janov A (2000) The Biology of Love New York Prometheus Books
Jensen E (2006) Enriching the Brain San Francisco CA Jossey-Bass
Markham L (2015) Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life New York TarcherPerigree
Neufeld G amp Mateacute G (2005) Hold On to Your Kids Why parents need to matter more than peers New York Ballantine Books
Rando L (2010) Caring and Connected Parenting A guide to raising connected children from birth to 4 years CA USA The Spiritual Alliance to Stop Intimate Violence
Shanker S (2016) (with Teresa Barker) Self-Reg How to help your child (and you) break the stress cycle and successfully engage with life Penguin Press
Siegel D J MD amp Bryson T P PhD (2011) The Whole-Brain Child 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your childrsquos developing mind survive everyday parenting struggles and help your family thrive New York Delacorte Press
Sunderland M (2007) The Science of Parenting How todayrsquos brain research can help you raise happy emotionally balanced children New York DK Publishing
Thomas P (2006) Stress in Early Childhood Helping children and their carers ACT Australia Early Childhood Australia
amp some other good readsNaomi Aldort (2005) Raising Our Children Raising Ourselves
Marcy Axness (2012) Parenting for Peace Raising the next generation of peacemakers
All of Steve Biddulphrsquos books Raising Boys Raising Girls The New Manhood The Secret of Happy Childrenhellip
Breacutene Brown (2013) The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting Raising children with courage compassion amp connection Audio CD
Gary Chapman amp Ross Campbell (2012) The 5 Love Languages of Children
Shelley Davidow (2014) Raising Stress-Proof Kids Parenting todayrsquos children in tomorrowrsquos world
Carol Dweck (2012) Mindset The new psychology of success
Tim Gill (2007) No Fear Growing up in a risk averse society
Peter Gray (2013) Free to Learn Why unleashing the instinct to play will make our children happier more self-reliant and better students for life
Jo Jackson King (2010) Raising the Best Possible Child How to navigate parenting myths and bring up confident happy kids
Janet Lansbury (2014) Elevating Child Care A guide to respectful parenting AND No Bad Kids Toddler discipline without shame
Vanessa LaPointe (2015) Discipline Without Damage How to get your kids to behave without messing them up
Pam Leo (2007) Connection Parenting Parenting through connection instead of coercion through love instead of fear wwwConnectionParentingcom
Richard Louv (2005) Last Child in the Woods Saving our children from nature-deficit disorder
Laura Markham (2012) Peaceful Parent Happy Kids how to stop yelling and start connecting
Rachel Macy Stafford (2014) Hands Free Mama and her new book (2017) Only Love Today
Shefali Tsabary (2014) Out of Control Why disciplining your child doesnrsquot work and what will
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
What is the Parental Pause
This magical technique is beyond simple and will help you at times of high tension to be the person you wished you could be without hiding in your bedroom and eating a family block of fruit and nut chocolate (technically a form of health food surely)
It works like this
01 You stop moving You ground your feet
02 Gently bend your knees
03 Place your right hand on your heart
04 Take a deep breath Maybe another two deep breaths
05 Then you slowly stand close by or kneel near your child
Be present
Be still
Observe calmly the world through your childrsquos eyes
Inwardly to yourself ndash repeat these words silently ndash
ldquoMy child is not bad or naughty ndash they are just struggling to cope with their world Let me be what they need right now ndash a safe baserdquo
Thatrsquos it
Imagine that you are at a school assembly for one of your older children when your two-year-old says ldquoI want a drink of waterrdquo Maybe you might calmly respond by saying ldquoBabe I canrsquot get you a drink of water right now However I will as soon as this finishesrdquo The two-year-old starts whining and says much louder ldquoI want some water now Mummyrdquo Again you try to placate her by saying ldquoWersquoll just have to wait til this finishesrdquo and the two-year-old starts to lose the plot Sound familiar
John Medina writes in his excellent book Brain Rules (2014 wwwbrainrulesnet) of the work of behaviourist John Gottman According to Gottman one of the best ways to manage a potential meltdown situation ndash especially with a young child who has poor executive function in her upstairs brain ndash is to acknowledge the childrsquos feelings and empathise
So if that two-year-old who is having a meltdown at the school assembly had heard the following words she might have felt heard ldquoBabe you are thirsty and I reckon a big drink of nice cold water would make you feel so much better I wish I had a drink in my bag so that I could give it to you right now and you could drink as much as you likedrdquo
According to Gottman such an empathetic response which helps identify the emotions that are present acts like pouring water onto a flame as it diffuses intense emotional moments Technically this is called lsquocoaching of emotionsrsquo however it can also be called taming the emotions This has to be one of the best secrets that Irsquove found and I have tried it on other peoplersquos children to find it works every time It ticks all the boxes of meaningful adult interaction
in that it is respectful and it is teaching and guiding a childrsquos awareness As the child is heard and validated it seems to soothe the cortisol levels in the childrsquos brain quite quickly So the next time your child pesters you for a biscuit and it is just before dinner try validating that for them ldquoI know you want a biscuit now sweetheart because I know you like biscuits and you are going to feel frustrated and a little angry when I donrsquot get you one because itrsquos just before dinner We can have a biscuit tomorrow when it isnrsquot time for dinnerrdquo
Anxiety amp self-regulationSymptoms of anxiety
raquo Complaints of stomach aches or headaches raquo Sleep problems or difficulty concentrating raquo Behavioural changes such as moodiness a short temper or clinginess raquo Development of a nervous habit such as nail biting raquo Refusal to go to school or getting into trouble at school raquo Avoidance behaviours raquo Arousal heart rate breathing shaky and dizzy raquo Fatigue and exhaustion
Frequently Missed Symptoms of Anxiety
raquo Angry outbursts
raquo Oppositional and refusal behaviours
raquo Temper tantrums
raquo Aggression
raquo Attention seeking behaviours
raquo Hyperactivity and difficulty sitting still
raquo Concentration problems
raquo Scholastic underachievement or excessive resistance to doing work
raquo Frequent visits to school nurse
raquo High number of missed school days
raquo Difficulties with social or peer group
mdash Source Dr Lyn Miller address to The Development of Childrenrsquos Mental Health How Do We Become Who We Are Conference Canada 2012
Sometimes what is seen as misbehaviour is more a stress behaviour Or a sign your child is not coping with their world In the excellent new book on self-regulation Self-Reg How to help your child (and you) break the stress cycle and successfully engage with life by Dr Stuart Shanker with Teresa Barker (2016) we learn much to help us understand stress behaviour
Shanker Self-Regtrade is explained in the following way
bull Self-Reg starts by reframing a childrsquos behaviour and for that matter our own It means seeing the meaning of the childrsquos behaviour maybe for the first time
bull Self-Reg will show you where to stand how to bring your childrsquos behaviour into focus respond to your childrsquos needs and help your child help himself
bull Self-Reg starts with how well we can identify and reduce our own stressors and how we can stay calm and attentive when we interact with a child
mdash Source Stuart Shanker Self-Reg (2016)
The brain and self-regulation
Babies only have a lsquoprimitive brainrsquo and somewhere in the growth over the first years of life they grow the next level of the brain the limbic brain You often hear this referred to as the emotional centre of the brain and basically this system lies underneath our more rational pre-frontal cortex Some of the limbic systemrsquos major structures include the
raquo Amygdala
raquo Hippocampus
raquo Hypothalamus
raquo Striatum
The limbic system is the where our strong emotions and urges come from Think of the meltdowns and temper tantrums over the wrong coloured cup the sandwich cut the wrong way and the apple peeled instead of not
In his book Enriching the Brain (2006) Eric Jensen writes that memories are anchored much more deeply when there are strong emotions present The limbic system plays a part here too That is why powerful scary memories anchor so deeply in the brain alongside those memories that were accompanied by exquisite joy (If you want some ideas about this read my Making Memories That Matter article)
ldquo Love desire fear shame anger and trauma all share a neurological home baserdquo mdash Shanker (2016)
Now we often hear about how stress and especially prolonged distress triggers us to come from our lsquoprimitive brainrsquo ndash so we go into fight flight or freeze mode And this can inhibit our ability to respond from our pre-frontal cortex (which isnrsquot fully formed until wersquore adults) This aspect of our brain which is commonly referred to as our lsquohigherrsquo brain or lsquoexecutive functioningrsquo brain plays a role in managing our emotions planning making decisions deliberating over consequences and guiding our social behaviour and the like
Shanker (2016) writes about how very influential the limbic system in particular the hypothalamus is in regulating everything from our body temperature hunger and thirst heart rate and breathing through to ldquoaspects of hearing speaking mind reading other peoplersquos social and emotional cues parenting and attachment behavioursrdquo
Basically he explains ldquoAll of these different functions are tied to the brainrsquos most primitive response to anything from relatively minor stressors to fullon threats ndash or at least what our limbic system lsquodecidesrsquo is a threat When we can calm that response we begin to bring all of the other self-regulatory processes into syncrdquo
He also refers to new discoveries being made all the time into how being in flightflight mode can switch off certain brain functions including for example how stress impacts on childrenrsquos middle ear muscles and affects their capacity to process speech and hear low-frequency sounds (Shanker 2016)
I am pretty sure that in a moment of conflict a parent would seldom be using low frequency sounds No wonder they canrsquot hear us
I have a video blog on Why boysrsquo behaviour is their language but really this notion applies to all children and as parents and educators we need to be like detectives in looking for clues to determine when a child is stressed and needs support to calm their stress levels
Similar to the symptoms listed above for anxiety stressed children can present in many ways irritable unfocused explosive clingy aggressive quick to anger oppositional overly teary hard to get moving overly sensitivehellip all of these are signs your child may be experiencing a high level of stress
No matter what the triggers for this stress are ndash these children who are often seen as naughty or badly behaved are quite simply not coping with their world The children who are under more stress have less capacity to manage Excess stress drains their energy and then if they meet more challenge that triggers more stress everything can collide together like a perfect storm
I believe that the lsquoschoolificationrsquo of young children is a major contributor to the increase in stress anxiety and a lot of inappropriate behaviour wersquore seeing as many children are struggling to cope
Main sources of stress and anxiety in children raquo Hurried over-scheduled world
raquo Temperaments and personality
raquo Absence of healthy love and attachment
raquo Too much pressure on children to perform
raquo Stressed parents who rush
raquo Not enough calm still quiet solo time
raquo Poor sleep patterns
raquo Too much stimulation from TV toys and adult commands
raquo Not enough consistency and routines
raquo Too much social change or social dislocation
raquo Shaming language
raquo Threats of abuse and violence
raquo Death and loss experiences
An overactive stress response system originating in childhood underlies many mental disorders later in life
raquo Depression
raquo Persistent states of anxiety
raquo Phobias and obsessions
raquo Physical symptoms and illness
raquo Being cut off emotionally
raquo Lethargy and lack of get up and go
raquo Lack of desire and excitement
raquo Lack of spontaneity
Much of the punishment that children receive for poor behaviour can be seen as adding fuel to a smouldering fire Think blaming shaming shouting and hitting ndash these punitive measures are still lingering from the harsh parenting and education practices of the last century especially before the 1970s
If punishment is too harsh a child can simply shut down ndash a serious level of stress survival that can sometimes look like compliance It is actually a sign that the child is highly distressed and can be damaging to your ongoing relationship
The damaging effects of shaming
Shame is the name we give to the overwhelming feeling that we need to crawl under a rock because we see ourselves as unworthy unpleasant unlikeable or reprehensible and because we expect to be judged or rejected accordingly
ldquoShame is like a knife that sharply delineates the limits of love in every culture the warning signal that something we are doing risks us being ostracisedrdquo
mdash Robin Grille Heart to Heart Parenting (2008)
Examples of shaming
raquo Deliberately ignoring a child
raquo Being sarcastic
raquo Walking away as though a child does not exist
raquo Rolling onersquos eyes
raquo Glaring at a child with disgust
raquo Shouting yelling and swearing at a child
We also shame when we say things such as
raquo ldquoYou ought to be ashamed of yourselfrdquo
raquo ldquoYou naughty boyrdquo
raquo ldquoYou are acting like a selfish bratrdquo
raquo ldquoYoursquove been a bad little girlrdquo
raquo ldquoGrow uprdquo
raquo ldquoStop acting like a babyrdquo
raquo ldquoDonrsquot be a sissyrdquo
raquo Girls donrsquot do that sort of thingrdquo
raquo ldquoYoursquore hopelessrdquo
raquo ldquoYoursquore not even tryingrdquo
raquo ldquoWhy canrsquot you be more like your brotherrdquo
raquo What are people going to think
The dynamics of energyUnderpinning this work in self-regulation is the notion that rather than shaming and controlling our children for reacting to stress we can help them learn to self-regulate We do this by supporting them to recognise whatrsquos going on in their bodies and how they can make themselves feel better A lot of this has to do with them (and us) monitoring their energy levels and what might be affecting them
This actually happens from birth Shanker (2016) writes of the ldquointer-brainrdquo which is ldquoa right brain-to-right brain communication channel between the parents and the baby delivered through touch sounds looks and even smellsrdquo
ldquoWe are designed to draw energy from one another and restore energy through one anotherhellip The better we can understand what might be draining a childrsquos energy reserves the better we can tailor our interactions and the choices we make to reduce that strainrdquo
mdash Stuart Shanker Self-Reg (2016)
Further Shanker says most stressors can be broken down to belonging in one of ldquoThe Five Domains of Stress and Self-Regulationrdquo biological emotional cognitive social and pro-social
Each of these domains has various stressors belonging to them and the better we understand those the better we can help to reduce them For example Shanker lists a pro-social stressor as ldquohaving to deal with other peoplersquos strong emotionsrdquo while a biological stressor might be tiredness or a noisy environment We can then look for signs that our child is potentially experiencing one of these stressors (Shanker 2016)
As parents carers and educators by having a greater understanding of these domains ndash stressors can come from more than one at a time ndash we can identify when children are experiencing issues in the various domains and adjust things to reduce the stress
More on self-regulationhellipThrough his work with The Mehrit Centre Dr Stuart Shanker has provided a wealth of excellent free resources on his website for teachers and parents and I would encourage everyone to not only read his new book Self-Reg but to spend some time browsing the site reading about these methods in more detail and using some of the tools provided at home or in your centreclassroom httpsself-regcaself-reg
In particular you may find these infographics helpful
Understanding Stress Behaviour for Parents Understanding Stress Behaviour for Teachers The Five Steps to Self-Regulation (The Shanker Methodtrade)
Becoming a CSI Detective We have to remember that in all interactions with our children maintaining a warm relationship needs to be first priority
Patterns habits routines and structure make the world more predictable and less startling for children I write about why healthy boundaries matter in my 10 resilience building blocks for an important reason
The better a baby and young children can recognise predictable patterns the less frightening and more engaging the world becomes Babies constantly look and listen for patterns all around them With pattern recognition comes the ability to know what yoursquore feeling and to act in an intentional way in your environment ndash it helps all of us anticipate what will happen next without becoming frightened about the uncertainty of the world
Chaos and rigidity are the two most confronting things that can impact our little onersquos lives Having routines and consistency makes the world safer for them and so they are not wasting vital energy figuring out if they are safe or not Always having to focus on survival denies children the capacity to interact in a curious way with the world Children quickly flip to survival brain because their pre frontal cortex is too immature and they will struggle when they donrsquot
understand what they are experiencing or why people are behaving the way they are or when this is too much for them Confusion and uncertainty are the opposite of having patterns and routines
The stronger a child is attached to key caregivers and the more attuned these caregivers are the better the child will navigate the uncertainties they will meet ndash moment by moment This means they will have more energy to explore and seek new things Yes it does take hours and hours of connected interaction to build these predictable pathways ndash this is called scaffolding and is essential to all learning Scaffolding is respectful to our young children because it values the input of the child first rather than something we do with a child
Acknowledging kids positively raquo Smile at them
raquo Wink at them
raquo Say hello using their name
raquo Say ldquoIrsquom glad to see yourdquo
raquo Suggest ldquoLetrsquos go play togetherrdquo
raquo Ask them to show you how to do a puzzle
raquo Give them a pat on the head back
raquo Hug them if appropriate
raquo Ask about their favourite toy
raquo Play a hand or clapping game with them
raquo Hold their hand
raquo Say things like
bull ldquoThank you for helping me clean up the toysrdquo
bull ldquoI noticed you washing your hands after going to the toiletrdquo
bull ldquoI know how hard it is to be patient when you play with othersrdquo
bull ldquoI noticed you using your quiet voice mdash well donerdquo
raquo Sing songs with them especially their favourite ones
raquo Cuddle up and watch ABC Kids with them
raquo Pretend to be an animal
raquo Call them up and say hello
raquo Make them laugh
Communicating compassionately with our children
Communication seems such a simple thing to do however poor communication is one of the key factors underlying conflict in our families We simply misunderstand each other
Being heard
Here are some phrases you might use that let your child know you are really hearing him or her
raquo ldquoLet me put this down so I can give you my full attentionrdquo
raquo ldquoWait a second while I turn off the TVradiocomputer so I can really hear yourdquo
raquo ldquoLetrsquos have some time together nowrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat would you like to do when we have our time together tomorrow afternoonrdquo
raquo ldquoSo what you mean isrdquo
raquo ldquoTell me more about thisrdquo
raquo ldquoIn other wordsrdquo
raquo ldquoLet me see if I understand you so farrdquo
raquo ldquoThat must have beenfor yourdquo
raquo ldquoAre you open to some feedback from merdquo
raquo ldquoNow thatrsquos interestingrdquo
raquo ldquoDoes that feel fair to yourdquo
raquo ldquoTell me what you were hoping to dordquo
raquo ldquoHow can we make this betterrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat do you think needs to happen nowrdquo
raquo ldquoSounds like youwe have a problemrdquo
raquo ldquoWhose problem is thisrdquo
raquo ldquoDoes that feel kind to yourdquo
raquo ldquoThere is a problem here How can I help you to sort it outrdquo
raquo ldquoCheck it out inside Does it feel rightrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat were you trying to do hererdquo
raquo ldquoDo you need my help right now to sort out what is happeningrdquo
raquo ldquoI know you can handle itrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat would you like to do nowrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat would a good friend do nowrdquo
raquo ldquoI noticed thatrdquo
raquo ldquoHaving a go is important mdash we canrsquot all win
Some secrets of positive parental communication
raquo Distraction
raquo Respectful caring requests
raquo Saying ldquoYes mdash Afterrdquo
raquo ldquoItrsquos just the right thing to dordquo
raquo Really listening
raquo Calm down time
Four steps to nurturing the inner genius in your child
1 Pause and become present
2 Ask ldquoDid you do that all by yourselfrdquo
3 Explain why the choice is one you would prefer they didnrsquot make again
4 Have them clean up the mess
Creating a family solution-seeking processldquo90 of childhood misbehaviour is the result of the developmental journeyrdquo
ndash Dr Gordon Neufeld Hold On to Your Kids (2005)
Essentially this means that childrenrsquos behaviour when it does not meet our expectations is not so much wrong or bad it is mainly children being children with a childrsquos mind and depth of experience If a childrsquos behaviour is inconvenient to us as an adult it too is not bad or wrong it is merely a normal part of the developmental journey of growing from child to adult Next time yoursquore frustrated and angry about your childrsquos behaviour pause take a deep breath and see if you can view that behaviour through the eyes of a child
One more thing is consider what we say to ourselves in our mind I so often hear the term lsquoattention seekingrsquo when talking about inappropriate behaviour in children If we could reframe that to ndash lsquolove seeking or connection seekingrsquo our response will be different
Family meetings are a wonderful way to resolve issues affirm values and rules and to connect Read my article on 10 Top Tips for a Successful Family Meeting
More on childrenrsquos anxietyRobin Grille in his book Heart to Heart Parenting (2008) outlines some of the things that are going on in a babyrsquos consciousness that I think are very helpful for is to keep in mind
raquo Babies feel everything far more intensely than do adults
raquo Babies cannot lie put on an act or pretend like older children What you see is what you get mdash complete emotional honesty
raquo Babies cannot plan or think ahead mdash all they do is to react
raquo Babies are incapable of influencing or manipulating anyone
raquo Babies do not understand time
raquo Babies have very little ability to soothe themselves
raquo Babies have no strong defences against pain or sorrow as they do not yet have the fight or flight response
raquo If babies learn that reaching out is rewarding they will become strong communicators able to connect with people more effectively
ldquoLow serotonin levels are a key component in many forms of aggression and violent behaviour Opiods are vital to diminish feelings of fear and stress so deactivation of opiods in parts of the brain leads to increases in negative feelings and stress and decreases in positive feelingsrdquo
mdash Margot Sunderland The Science of Parenting (2007)
Distress (chronic stress)
01 Halves neuron development
02 Reduces effectiveness of the dendrites
03 Reduces brain to lsquosurvivalrsquo mode rather than upper cognitive processing
04 Reduces blood supply to the brain
05 Stimulates emotional meltdowns
06 Impedes immune system
What happens to the body when it enters lsquoflight or fightrsquo state (Distress)
raquo Breathing becomes shallow
raquo The heart rate increases
raquo Blood pressure rises
raquo Adrenaline and cortisol hormones are released into the blood
raquo The senses are heightened
raquo The liver releases stored sugar into the blood
raquo Muscles tense and tighten
raquo Blood flow increases to the brain and major muscles and is constricted to the extremities
mdash Patrice Thomas Stress in Early Childhood (2006)
Calming our children ndash strategies Now that we have looked at many of the symptoms and causes of stress and anxiety I want to focus on ways to help calm our children and our homes classrooms and early years centres This first thing to bear in mind is
ldquoHappy Calm Children Learn Bestrdquo
mdash Daniel Goleman
This quote is so truehellip our children need to be happy and calm to learn at school and at home If they are stressed all their energy and enthusiasm will be diverted to dealing with that stress So letrsquos look at how to support them with this
Herersquos a summary of some of my resources to help your children with anxiety
ArticlesThe Importance of a Go-Slow Childhood 10 Tips to Ease Separation Distress The Invisible Enemy of Anxiety Childhood Stress
AudiosI have several audios to help with anxiety
SafeNSound and Sleepytime are for under 10s and are free from my website
My latest download for anxious children is called Soothing the Frightened Butterflies which costs $5 as a download This can really help build coping and calming strategies for anxious kids
Managing our own stress especially for busy mums is important and that may mean joining a class or group to try yoga tai chi meditation or mindfulness activities or sound relaxation mdash or you can do any of these things when you have some free time in your own home Try my free Moonlight Relaxation for Mums (and mother figures)
Soothing calming and relaxationThe opposite of stress and distress is calmness and feeling relaxed If a child clings to you she is trying to bring down a high body arousal level and high levels of stress chemicals She is trying to activate the positive brain chemicals that activate feelings of wellbeing Research shows that children who have been soothed quickly and frequently tend to become self-soothers and manage stress better (Sunderland 2007) Due to the neuroplasticity of the human brain calmness can be learned at any stage of life
Top tips for soothing Key ways to trigger oxytocin mdash the love neurotransmitter
01 Calm adults
02 Touch and massage mdash especially lsquotickle pointrsquo (high on back mdash stroke gently) Works with children of any age
03 Rocking
04 Sucking
05 Physical comforters mdash soft toys dummies blankets
06 Warmth approx 21 degrees C mdash (or cooling if child has a temperature)
07 Low soothing sounds familiar songs
08 Bathing in warm bath
09 Novelty mdash laughter
10 Avoid overstimulation especially loud voices noises too much chaos and too much change
My top three tips for parents to soothe our childrenrsquos worlds mdash The three lsquoSrsquos
01 Slow down mdash walk slower talk slower do less and allow an extra 15 minutes than you think you need to get children ready for a scheduled event like going to school Ask what you can take out of your life so that you can be a calmer parent especially in the early years mdash avoid wearing too many hats when your children are young
02 Soothe more mdash remember that brain chemicals flood our childrenrsquos brains quite irrationally and chaotically Reassure children that they are valued safe and that mistakes and accidents are normal
03 Create safety mdash is your home child friendly Can your children relax sometimes without being stressed to have your home looking like itrsquos a feature house in a House and Garden magazine Is there somewhere for introverted children to hide from people and the world to fill their energy cup
Parent tips for reducing stress in children
raquo Children benefit from calm quiet spaces in their world
raquo Avoid being rushed and hurried
raquo Use quiet voices with gentle tones
raquo Have regular quiet times in your home when all electronic stuff is turned off
raquo Allow children time just lsquoto bersquo and not always be busy
raquo Children sense their parentsrsquo stress and react to it mdash so reduce your stress
raquo Ensure children have good night sleep patterns
raquo Calmness can be learned mdash do a relaxation activity with them
raquo Avoid too much noise and visual stimulation in homes
raquo Avoid too much exposure to TVs computers smart phones and other electronic games and devices
raquo Create safe home environments with boundaries and routines
raquo Avoid too much significant change in childrenrsquos lives
raquo Avoid pressuring your children
raquo Soothing and reassuring children triggers oxytocin and calms children
mdash Maggie Dent Real Kids in an Unreal World (2nd edition 2016)
How to calm an overloaded nervous system in our homes centres amp classrooms
raquo Calm grown ups
raquo Routines and habits
raquo Silent sound signals
raquo Movement amp relaxation
raquo Calming music
raquo Mindfulness
raquo Low vocal tones
raquo Absorbed play
raquo Quiet corner bean bag
raquo Thinking time
raquo Regular quiet times
raquo Calming audio visualisations
raquo Laughter and lightness
raquo Plenty of nature time
Tips for soothing separation distress
Separation distress or anxiety is very common among children and Sunderland believes this distress can influence children even as old as eight
The changes of environment people routines and the number of other children they are interacting with can all cause spikes in cortisol creating those stress symptoms you might see mdash crying clinging tummy aches refusal to leave your side poor appetite restless sleep and even outbursts and tantrums
Remember this means the lsquodownstairs brainrsquo is registering threat mdash and is acting accordingly Remember too that the key stressor for children is separation from the most significant grownup who is their protector
As a starting point it is useful to explain to kids that new things places and people often make even adults feel those same feelings of being a little unsettled or anxious
Young children usually have strong imaginations and I have found that some small techniques that strengthen the connection to Mum or Dad while they are away from you can help lots
I have shared some of my strategies for dealing with separation anxiety in my article 10 Tips to Ease Separation Distress
Safe touchWhy is safe touch so important in caring relationships
Clinical studies at the American Academy of Paediatrics found that touch therapy helped premature newborn babies to gain weight It also improved asthmatic childrenrsquos breathing assisted in balancing glucose levels for diabetic children and lowered stress levels improving the immune system Researcher Tiffany Field PhD from the Touch Research Institute at the University of Miami believes that ldquotouch is as important to infants and children as eating and sleepingrdquo
Soothing touch triggers positive brain chemicals especially serotonin which quite literally soothes the nervous system of the whole child Other ways to soothe include rocking soothing calm sounds from a safe adult and listening to familiar songs or nursery rhymes
We do need to seriously reconsider the fear-driven perception we have around the safe touch of students A retired principal once told me that a lawyer had spoken to him about the legal perspective of being sued for inappropriate touching You can only be pursued legally if you have touched someone without their approval or consent This did not have to be verbal consent tacit approval was sufficient What this means is that when a child falls over or hurts his or herself and comes running with arms up for a hug we have their tacit approval Common-sense needs to prevail
What needs to happen in our homes and schools to ensure that our children know what safe touch entails is that we must educate our children around body safety and awareness No longer can we hope that a significant grown-up has given them some guidance In our highly sexualised world where explicit images and pornography can be found without even looking for them we must give our children the tools to be able to understand where touch is no longer safe for themselves or for others
How can we build more safe touch in our homes
01 If your young children find their way to your bed in the middle of the night because theyrsquore frightened welcome them immediately If you find it difficult to sleep with a squirming wriggling little one in your bed it is completely okay for one of the grown-ups to go and sleep in their bed (especially if your little one wonrsquot settle back into their bed) The important thing is to soothe the fear or the need to be close first One day you will miss the fact that they no longer turn up for a nightly snuggle
02 Be mindful of gentle touching your children more often ndash a gentle hand on the shoulder holding their hands ruffling their hair non-annoying tickling sitting really closely on the couch being really close when you read stories picking them up and holding them close in a hug secret handshakes and high fives all keep physical intimacy alive and well
03 Help your children to create a list of people they feel are safe to allow them to touch them respectfully We still need to be mindful that even the people in this safe circle need to be respectful of when children give their tacit approval to be held or touched My beautiful two-year-old granddaughter can be slow to warm when we first reconnect and I will always offer her a loving verbal greeting however with no pressure for her to respond equally She is just two and has a long way to go to understand the nuances of human interaction particularly communication Adolescents struggle in a similar way and again it is not a sign of disrespect ndash although it is often seen as that ndash or a sign that they donrsquot care for the people who are trying to communicate to them They also improve with continued growth of the prefrontal cortex
04 Each child will have a certain preference around safe touch Personal space is different for us all Some of our children particularly those with sensory processing disorder (SPD) or who are on the spectrum prefer not to be touched at all Some prefer very vigorous rugby style hugs others non-verbal gestures like a smile a wink or even a gentle nod of your head in their direction Some like to sit all over us ndash and often Some might like a gentle head massage or even a back tickle It can be really helpful when we follow their preferences and we are able to meet that hunger for safe touch
05 There is a special spot high up on the back below the neck (between the shoulders) that is particularly sensitive when touched in a gentle and slow way It has been called the tickle spot
It is a bit like an accelerator button that can trigger serotonin which is a calming brain chemical Sometimes in situations where we can see our children struggling gently stroking this spot can actually help them calm down and feel soothed I have used this spot often in the queue in shopping centres when my lads were starting to get restless
06 The calmer our children are the more receptive they will be to being touched in a loving way Sometimes when they are really stressed and could benefit from loving safe touch they reject it or push it away
07 It can be helpful having a conversation with those who are in your close parenting circle of family or friends about safe touch Tell those who you trust that you encourage safe touch I remember one of my sonrsquos best friends who was dealing with the sudden death of his dad telling my son that my hugs were all soft and squishy and they felt good Personally it took me a long time to be comfortable with other people touching me in a caring way and Irsquom a firm believer in the power of a good hug when itrsquos welcome
08 Sometimes being held with love by a trusted person can say more than any words
Dr Arthur Janov author of The Biology of Love (2000) argues that the absence of loving care early in life causes increased levels of stress for a person The result of this deprivation is high levels of cortisol that change the structure of the brain Brain scans taken of extremely violent young men show huge spaces in the pre-frontal lobe
It only takes one genuinely trustworthy person to use safe touch to reframe how a child sees the world and to reshape how their brains perceive safety and tenderness Our world needs more love kindness and gentleness right now and so let the conversation begin
Sibling conflict a normal part of family lifeldquoThere is no way around it Sibling rivalry is universal After all every human is genetically programmed to protect resources that will help him survive and your children depend on and compete for what are in fact precious resources mdash your time and attention
I found that parenting gets a lot easier when we as parents can do 3 very hard things
1 Regulate our emotions
2 Stay connected with our child even when wersquore setting limits or the child is upset
3 Coach instead of controlling by fostering emotional intelligence guiding with empathetic limits instead of punishment and supporting masteryrdquo
mdash Dr Laura Markham Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life (2015)
Sibling rivalry is indeed one of lifersquos great teachers Indeed it helps us learn how to get along with others It also helps put a bit more sensitivity into our feisty lsquoroosterrsquo children and a bit more lsquoroosterrsquo into our sensitive lambs when parenting children of different temperaments
I have written an article about sibling rivalry that offers more detail on where it comes from rivalry between roosters and lambs and how to manage it and how to turn aggression into awareness Read my article on sibling rivalry
How not to deal with sibling rivalryhellip
According to Dr Laura if we punish or are too permissive with our children around their fighting it only creates more fighting The reason for this is because if we are not demonstrating kindness and fairness to solve the issue our kids will model the same approach Your child will handle conflict the way you show them (Markham 2015)
Our children donrsquot learn to be empathetic compassionate human beings by being punished for sibling rivalry Instead they learn to do things simply to avoid punishment not to be intrinsically caring They donrsquot learn self-discipline (remember the Three Family Rules I wrote about earlier) they learn to use power over each other and it can make them fearful and more likely to be angry and depressed (Markham 2015)
Included in this notion of punishment are lsquotimeoutsrsquo Dr Laura and I are on the same page when it comes to thishellip timeouts can be another way of shaming our kids and disconnecting from the
When my four lads got into conflict I found a much better solution was to send them all outside together for five minutes for ldquoa change of sceneryrdquo Invariably after five minutes they wouldnrsquot bother coming back in because being outside had shifted their mood and they got caught up in a new game
So what does help
The key is to help siblings see the world through their siblingrsquos eyes ndash to show why something is not fair or may be unkind or just plain wrong
My suggestions
raquo Stay calm
raquo Ensure safety of all
raquo Make sense of what is happening
raquo Re-connect to family rules
raquo Avoid making quick judgements
raquo Allow calm down time while being nearby
raquo Connect with all parties in a warm way AFTERWARDS
OR Use a nudge
ldquoA nudge is essentially a means of encouraging or guiding behaviour but without mandating or instructing and ideally without the need for heavy financial incentives or sanctions Sometimes behaviour changes with a surprisingly light touchrdquo
mdash David Halpern Inside the Nudge Unit How small changes can make a big difference (2015)
Basically a nudge is a bit of gentle positive persuasion ndash hints suggestions helpful comments hellip
If you reduce friction a nudge can be a potent way of clearing the path to make it easy for people to do something that they probably already intended to do but had not got around to it
01 Unexpected small reward in private
02 A quiet thank you and a positive touch moment in private
03 Positive noticing
04 Mention good conflict solving at family meeting
05 Let kids hear you tell someone else how great they have been
06 Tell your kids they are smart and can work out ways to sort out conflict themselves
07 Change location when things get a bit lsquoouchyrsquo in a calm and warm way
08 Use lightness and novelty
09 Inspirational images around the house reminding everyone within that lsquolove lives herersquo and reflecting your familyrsquos values
Tips from Dr Laura01 Talk about feelings
02 Ask questions about feelings needs wants and choices
03 Explain and model ndash expect to repeat yourself
04 Practice finding win-win solutions
05 Model lsquoIrsquo statements ldquoI feel hellipBecause I wantneed hellip And I observed that hellip eg I feel worried because I want to get there on time and I see that you arenrsquot ready to leave yet so please put on your shoesrdquo
06 Model pro social behaviour
mdash Dr Laura Markham Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life (2015)
and alsoRead Dr Laurarsquos blog ldquoWhy punishment doesnrsquot teach your child accountabilityrdquo for more on punishment
Read her ldquoWhatrsquos Wrong With Timeoutsrdquo blog to find out why time outs are also not a great response to sibling conflicts
And her Siblings 101 blog has some fantastic tips for turning sibling rivalry around
You can find all of Dr Laura Markhamrsquos helpful blogs and her two Peaceful Parent books at wwwahaparentingcom
Your new role is as an interpreter mdash which is technically emotional coaching
And a few notes on some other dilemmas for anyone raising or working with childrenhellip
Telling liesEveryone tells lies
Some children are often frightened into telling lies
Explain the difference between black lies and white lies
Spend time honouring the truth
Read picture books about honesty ndash Franklin Fibs Aesoprsquos Fables Pig the Pug Fibber
I have done a video blog about when children tell lies so take a few minutes to watch that to hear my suggestions
Watch Telling Lies Blog
You might also be interested in this very interesting article talking about research that suggests children who are subjected to punitive methods of discipline are less likely to be honest
Tsunami of Technology ndash Keeping the Balance
The benefits of technology are a given However there are concerns and we need to be aware of those
Concerns to keep in mind
raquo Posture problems
raquo Learning the lsquoplay codersquo
raquo Impact on human communication amp intimacy
raquo Passivity
raquo Sleep issues
raquo Dopamine receptor changes
raquo Short sightedness
raquo Instant entertainment
raquo Language saturation
raquo Creativity
raquo Boredom
raquo Addictive usage
Recommendations
01 As little as possible under 5
02 Never allow screens in bedroom
03 Have excellent remote parental controls on all devices and PCsApples ndash I recommend you take a look at Family Zone
04 Make sure your children are only able to access Kids YouTube
05 Have clear boundaries especially at night
06 Keep in mind the use mdash educational vs entertainment
07 Best use is when there is interaction with others
08 Have a basket for all hand held screens including parentsrsquo around meal times or other together times
09 Check other parentsrsquo boundaries before allowing children to visit ndash be strong
10 Have techno free times for fun
I have a few articles and resources on screens at my common concerns page on screen time httpswwwmaggiedentcomcommon-concernsscreen-time
As a parent or adult caring for children be mindful of Digital Abandonment
Watch my video blog on Digital Abandonment in Modern Families
I am so impressed with the work being done on the digital dilemma for parents by Dr Kristy Goodwin Please take the time to check out her blog and her excellent book Raising Your Child in a Digital World httpdrkristygoodwincom
REFERENCES Dent M (2014) 9 Things A back-to-basics guide to calm common-sense connected parenting birth-8 Murwillumbah NSW Pennington Publications
Dent M (2016) Real Kids in an Unreal World Building resilience amp self-esteem in todayrsquos children Murwillumbah NSW Pennington Publications
Dent M (2003) Saving Our children from Our Chaotic World Teaching children the magic of silence and stillness Dunsborough WA Pennington Publications
Doidge N (2007) The Brain That Changes Itself Stories of personal triumph from the frontiers of brain science New York Viking
Fuller A (2007) Tricky kids Transforming conflict and freeing their potential Sydney Finch Publishing
Goleman D (1996) Emotional Intelligence Why it can matter more than IQ UK Bloomsbury Publishing
Goodwin K (2016) Raising Your Child in a Digital World Sydney Finch Publishing
Grille R (2008) Heart to Heart Parenting Nurturing your childrsquos emotional intelligence from conception to school age Sydney ABC Books
Grille R (2013) Parenting for a Peaceful World (second edition) Asheville NC Vox Cordis Press
Halpern D (2009) Inside the Nudge Unit How small changes can make a big difference UK WHAllen
Janov A (2000) The Biology of Love New York Prometheus Books
Jensen E (2006) Enriching the Brain San Francisco CA Jossey-Bass
Markham L (2015) Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life New York TarcherPerigree
Neufeld G amp Mateacute G (2005) Hold On to Your Kids Why parents need to matter more than peers New York Ballantine Books
Rando L (2010) Caring and Connected Parenting A guide to raising connected children from birth to 4 years CA USA The Spiritual Alliance to Stop Intimate Violence
Shanker S (2016) (with Teresa Barker) Self-Reg How to help your child (and you) break the stress cycle and successfully engage with life Penguin Press
Siegel D J MD amp Bryson T P PhD (2011) The Whole-Brain Child 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your childrsquos developing mind survive everyday parenting struggles and help your family thrive New York Delacorte Press
Sunderland M (2007) The Science of Parenting How todayrsquos brain research can help you raise happy emotionally balanced children New York DK Publishing
Thomas P (2006) Stress in Early Childhood Helping children and their carers ACT Australia Early Childhood Australia
amp some other good readsNaomi Aldort (2005) Raising Our Children Raising Ourselves
Marcy Axness (2012) Parenting for Peace Raising the next generation of peacemakers
All of Steve Biddulphrsquos books Raising Boys Raising Girls The New Manhood The Secret of Happy Childrenhellip
Breacutene Brown (2013) The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting Raising children with courage compassion amp connection Audio CD
Gary Chapman amp Ross Campbell (2012) The 5 Love Languages of Children
Shelley Davidow (2014) Raising Stress-Proof Kids Parenting todayrsquos children in tomorrowrsquos world
Carol Dweck (2012) Mindset The new psychology of success
Tim Gill (2007) No Fear Growing up in a risk averse society
Peter Gray (2013) Free to Learn Why unleashing the instinct to play will make our children happier more self-reliant and better students for life
Jo Jackson King (2010) Raising the Best Possible Child How to navigate parenting myths and bring up confident happy kids
Janet Lansbury (2014) Elevating Child Care A guide to respectful parenting AND No Bad Kids Toddler discipline without shame
Vanessa LaPointe (2015) Discipline Without Damage How to get your kids to behave without messing them up
Pam Leo (2007) Connection Parenting Parenting through connection instead of coercion through love instead of fear wwwConnectionParentingcom
Richard Louv (2005) Last Child in the Woods Saving our children from nature-deficit disorder
Laura Markham (2012) Peaceful Parent Happy Kids how to stop yelling and start connecting
Rachel Macy Stafford (2014) Hands Free Mama and her new book (2017) Only Love Today
Shefali Tsabary (2014) Out of Control Why disciplining your child doesnrsquot work and what will
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
in that it is respectful and it is teaching and guiding a childrsquos awareness As the child is heard and validated it seems to soothe the cortisol levels in the childrsquos brain quite quickly So the next time your child pesters you for a biscuit and it is just before dinner try validating that for them ldquoI know you want a biscuit now sweetheart because I know you like biscuits and you are going to feel frustrated and a little angry when I donrsquot get you one because itrsquos just before dinner We can have a biscuit tomorrow when it isnrsquot time for dinnerrdquo
Anxiety amp self-regulationSymptoms of anxiety
raquo Complaints of stomach aches or headaches raquo Sleep problems or difficulty concentrating raquo Behavioural changes such as moodiness a short temper or clinginess raquo Development of a nervous habit such as nail biting raquo Refusal to go to school or getting into trouble at school raquo Avoidance behaviours raquo Arousal heart rate breathing shaky and dizzy raquo Fatigue and exhaustion
Frequently Missed Symptoms of Anxiety
raquo Angry outbursts
raquo Oppositional and refusal behaviours
raquo Temper tantrums
raquo Aggression
raquo Attention seeking behaviours
raquo Hyperactivity and difficulty sitting still
raquo Concentration problems
raquo Scholastic underachievement or excessive resistance to doing work
raquo Frequent visits to school nurse
raquo High number of missed school days
raquo Difficulties with social or peer group
mdash Source Dr Lyn Miller address to The Development of Childrenrsquos Mental Health How Do We Become Who We Are Conference Canada 2012
Sometimes what is seen as misbehaviour is more a stress behaviour Or a sign your child is not coping with their world In the excellent new book on self-regulation Self-Reg How to help your child (and you) break the stress cycle and successfully engage with life by Dr Stuart Shanker with Teresa Barker (2016) we learn much to help us understand stress behaviour
Shanker Self-Regtrade is explained in the following way
bull Self-Reg starts by reframing a childrsquos behaviour and for that matter our own It means seeing the meaning of the childrsquos behaviour maybe for the first time
bull Self-Reg will show you where to stand how to bring your childrsquos behaviour into focus respond to your childrsquos needs and help your child help himself
bull Self-Reg starts with how well we can identify and reduce our own stressors and how we can stay calm and attentive when we interact with a child
mdash Source Stuart Shanker Self-Reg (2016)
The brain and self-regulation
Babies only have a lsquoprimitive brainrsquo and somewhere in the growth over the first years of life they grow the next level of the brain the limbic brain You often hear this referred to as the emotional centre of the brain and basically this system lies underneath our more rational pre-frontal cortex Some of the limbic systemrsquos major structures include the
raquo Amygdala
raquo Hippocampus
raquo Hypothalamus
raquo Striatum
The limbic system is the where our strong emotions and urges come from Think of the meltdowns and temper tantrums over the wrong coloured cup the sandwich cut the wrong way and the apple peeled instead of not
In his book Enriching the Brain (2006) Eric Jensen writes that memories are anchored much more deeply when there are strong emotions present The limbic system plays a part here too That is why powerful scary memories anchor so deeply in the brain alongside those memories that were accompanied by exquisite joy (If you want some ideas about this read my Making Memories That Matter article)
ldquo Love desire fear shame anger and trauma all share a neurological home baserdquo mdash Shanker (2016)
Now we often hear about how stress and especially prolonged distress triggers us to come from our lsquoprimitive brainrsquo ndash so we go into fight flight or freeze mode And this can inhibit our ability to respond from our pre-frontal cortex (which isnrsquot fully formed until wersquore adults) This aspect of our brain which is commonly referred to as our lsquohigherrsquo brain or lsquoexecutive functioningrsquo brain plays a role in managing our emotions planning making decisions deliberating over consequences and guiding our social behaviour and the like
Shanker (2016) writes about how very influential the limbic system in particular the hypothalamus is in regulating everything from our body temperature hunger and thirst heart rate and breathing through to ldquoaspects of hearing speaking mind reading other peoplersquos social and emotional cues parenting and attachment behavioursrdquo
Basically he explains ldquoAll of these different functions are tied to the brainrsquos most primitive response to anything from relatively minor stressors to fullon threats ndash or at least what our limbic system lsquodecidesrsquo is a threat When we can calm that response we begin to bring all of the other self-regulatory processes into syncrdquo
He also refers to new discoveries being made all the time into how being in flightflight mode can switch off certain brain functions including for example how stress impacts on childrenrsquos middle ear muscles and affects their capacity to process speech and hear low-frequency sounds (Shanker 2016)
I am pretty sure that in a moment of conflict a parent would seldom be using low frequency sounds No wonder they canrsquot hear us
I have a video blog on Why boysrsquo behaviour is their language but really this notion applies to all children and as parents and educators we need to be like detectives in looking for clues to determine when a child is stressed and needs support to calm their stress levels
Similar to the symptoms listed above for anxiety stressed children can present in many ways irritable unfocused explosive clingy aggressive quick to anger oppositional overly teary hard to get moving overly sensitivehellip all of these are signs your child may be experiencing a high level of stress
No matter what the triggers for this stress are ndash these children who are often seen as naughty or badly behaved are quite simply not coping with their world The children who are under more stress have less capacity to manage Excess stress drains their energy and then if they meet more challenge that triggers more stress everything can collide together like a perfect storm
I believe that the lsquoschoolificationrsquo of young children is a major contributor to the increase in stress anxiety and a lot of inappropriate behaviour wersquore seeing as many children are struggling to cope
Main sources of stress and anxiety in children raquo Hurried over-scheduled world
raquo Temperaments and personality
raquo Absence of healthy love and attachment
raquo Too much pressure on children to perform
raquo Stressed parents who rush
raquo Not enough calm still quiet solo time
raquo Poor sleep patterns
raquo Too much stimulation from TV toys and adult commands
raquo Not enough consistency and routines
raquo Too much social change or social dislocation
raquo Shaming language
raquo Threats of abuse and violence
raquo Death and loss experiences
An overactive stress response system originating in childhood underlies many mental disorders later in life
raquo Depression
raquo Persistent states of anxiety
raquo Phobias and obsessions
raquo Physical symptoms and illness
raquo Being cut off emotionally
raquo Lethargy and lack of get up and go
raquo Lack of desire and excitement
raquo Lack of spontaneity
Much of the punishment that children receive for poor behaviour can be seen as adding fuel to a smouldering fire Think blaming shaming shouting and hitting ndash these punitive measures are still lingering from the harsh parenting and education practices of the last century especially before the 1970s
If punishment is too harsh a child can simply shut down ndash a serious level of stress survival that can sometimes look like compliance It is actually a sign that the child is highly distressed and can be damaging to your ongoing relationship
The damaging effects of shaming
Shame is the name we give to the overwhelming feeling that we need to crawl under a rock because we see ourselves as unworthy unpleasant unlikeable or reprehensible and because we expect to be judged or rejected accordingly
ldquoShame is like a knife that sharply delineates the limits of love in every culture the warning signal that something we are doing risks us being ostracisedrdquo
mdash Robin Grille Heart to Heart Parenting (2008)
Examples of shaming
raquo Deliberately ignoring a child
raquo Being sarcastic
raquo Walking away as though a child does not exist
raquo Rolling onersquos eyes
raquo Glaring at a child with disgust
raquo Shouting yelling and swearing at a child
We also shame when we say things such as
raquo ldquoYou ought to be ashamed of yourselfrdquo
raquo ldquoYou naughty boyrdquo
raquo ldquoYou are acting like a selfish bratrdquo
raquo ldquoYoursquove been a bad little girlrdquo
raquo ldquoGrow uprdquo
raquo ldquoStop acting like a babyrdquo
raquo ldquoDonrsquot be a sissyrdquo
raquo Girls donrsquot do that sort of thingrdquo
raquo ldquoYoursquore hopelessrdquo
raquo ldquoYoursquore not even tryingrdquo
raquo ldquoWhy canrsquot you be more like your brotherrdquo
raquo What are people going to think
The dynamics of energyUnderpinning this work in self-regulation is the notion that rather than shaming and controlling our children for reacting to stress we can help them learn to self-regulate We do this by supporting them to recognise whatrsquos going on in their bodies and how they can make themselves feel better A lot of this has to do with them (and us) monitoring their energy levels and what might be affecting them
This actually happens from birth Shanker (2016) writes of the ldquointer-brainrdquo which is ldquoa right brain-to-right brain communication channel between the parents and the baby delivered through touch sounds looks and even smellsrdquo
ldquoWe are designed to draw energy from one another and restore energy through one anotherhellip The better we can understand what might be draining a childrsquos energy reserves the better we can tailor our interactions and the choices we make to reduce that strainrdquo
mdash Stuart Shanker Self-Reg (2016)
Further Shanker says most stressors can be broken down to belonging in one of ldquoThe Five Domains of Stress and Self-Regulationrdquo biological emotional cognitive social and pro-social
Each of these domains has various stressors belonging to them and the better we understand those the better we can help to reduce them For example Shanker lists a pro-social stressor as ldquohaving to deal with other peoplersquos strong emotionsrdquo while a biological stressor might be tiredness or a noisy environment We can then look for signs that our child is potentially experiencing one of these stressors (Shanker 2016)
As parents carers and educators by having a greater understanding of these domains ndash stressors can come from more than one at a time ndash we can identify when children are experiencing issues in the various domains and adjust things to reduce the stress
More on self-regulationhellipThrough his work with The Mehrit Centre Dr Stuart Shanker has provided a wealth of excellent free resources on his website for teachers and parents and I would encourage everyone to not only read his new book Self-Reg but to spend some time browsing the site reading about these methods in more detail and using some of the tools provided at home or in your centreclassroom httpsself-regcaself-reg
In particular you may find these infographics helpful
Understanding Stress Behaviour for Parents Understanding Stress Behaviour for Teachers The Five Steps to Self-Regulation (The Shanker Methodtrade)
Becoming a CSI Detective We have to remember that in all interactions with our children maintaining a warm relationship needs to be first priority
Patterns habits routines and structure make the world more predictable and less startling for children I write about why healthy boundaries matter in my 10 resilience building blocks for an important reason
The better a baby and young children can recognise predictable patterns the less frightening and more engaging the world becomes Babies constantly look and listen for patterns all around them With pattern recognition comes the ability to know what yoursquore feeling and to act in an intentional way in your environment ndash it helps all of us anticipate what will happen next without becoming frightened about the uncertainty of the world
Chaos and rigidity are the two most confronting things that can impact our little onersquos lives Having routines and consistency makes the world safer for them and so they are not wasting vital energy figuring out if they are safe or not Always having to focus on survival denies children the capacity to interact in a curious way with the world Children quickly flip to survival brain because their pre frontal cortex is too immature and they will struggle when they donrsquot
understand what they are experiencing or why people are behaving the way they are or when this is too much for them Confusion and uncertainty are the opposite of having patterns and routines
The stronger a child is attached to key caregivers and the more attuned these caregivers are the better the child will navigate the uncertainties they will meet ndash moment by moment This means they will have more energy to explore and seek new things Yes it does take hours and hours of connected interaction to build these predictable pathways ndash this is called scaffolding and is essential to all learning Scaffolding is respectful to our young children because it values the input of the child first rather than something we do with a child
Acknowledging kids positively raquo Smile at them
raquo Wink at them
raquo Say hello using their name
raquo Say ldquoIrsquom glad to see yourdquo
raquo Suggest ldquoLetrsquos go play togetherrdquo
raquo Ask them to show you how to do a puzzle
raquo Give them a pat on the head back
raquo Hug them if appropriate
raquo Ask about their favourite toy
raquo Play a hand or clapping game with them
raquo Hold their hand
raquo Say things like
bull ldquoThank you for helping me clean up the toysrdquo
bull ldquoI noticed you washing your hands after going to the toiletrdquo
bull ldquoI know how hard it is to be patient when you play with othersrdquo
bull ldquoI noticed you using your quiet voice mdash well donerdquo
raquo Sing songs with them especially their favourite ones
raquo Cuddle up and watch ABC Kids with them
raquo Pretend to be an animal
raquo Call them up and say hello
raquo Make them laugh
Communicating compassionately with our children
Communication seems such a simple thing to do however poor communication is one of the key factors underlying conflict in our families We simply misunderstand each other
Being heard
Here are some phrases you might use that let your child know you are really hearing him or her
raquo ldquoLet me put this down so I can give you my full attentionrdquo
raquo ldquoWait a second while I turn off the TVradiocomputer so I can really hear yourdquo
raquo ldquoLetrsquos have some time together nowrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat would you like to do when we have our time together tomorrow afternoonrdquo
raquo ldquoSo what you mean isrdquo
raquo ldquoTell me more about thisrdquo
raquo ldquoIn other wordsrdquo
raquo ldquoLet me see if I understand you so farrdquo
raquo ldquoThat must have beenfor yourdquo
raquo ldquoAre you open to some feedback from merdquo
raquo ldquoNow thatrsquos interestingrdquo
raquo ldquoDoes that feel fair to yourdquo
raquo ldquoTell me what you were hoping to dordquo
raquo ldquoHow can we make this betterrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat do you think needs to happen nowrdquo
raquo ldquoSounds like youwe have a problemrdquo
raquo ldquoWhose problem is thisrdquo
raquo ldquoDoes that feel kind to yourdquo
raquo ldquoThere is a problem here How can I help you to sort it outrdquo
raquo ldquoCheck it out inside Does it feel rightrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat were you trying to do hererdquo
raquo ldquoDo you need my help right now to sort out what is happeningrdquo
raquo ldquoI know you can handle itrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat would you like to do nowrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat would a good friend do nowrdquo
raquo ldquoI noticed thatrdquo
raquo ldquoHaving a go is important mdash we canrsquot all win
Some secrets of positive parental communication
raquo Distraction
raquo Respectful caring requests
raquo Saying ldquoYes mdash Afterrdquo
raquo ldquoItrsquos just the right thing to dordquo
raquo Really listening
raquo Calm down time
Four steps to nurturing the inner genius in your child
1 Pause and become present
2 Ask ldquoDid you do that all by yourselfrdquo
3 Explain why the choice is one you would prefer they didnrsquot make again
4 Have them clean up the mess
Creating a family solution-seeking processldquo90 of childhood misbehaviour is the result of the developmental journeyrdquo
ndash Dr Gordon Neufeld Hold On to Your Kids (2005)
Essentially this means that childrenrsquos behaviour when it does not meet our expectations is not so much wrong or bad it is mainly children being children with a childrsquos mind and depth of experience If a childrsquos behaviour is inconvenient to us as an adult it too is not bad or wrong it is merely a normal part of the developmental journey of growing from child to adult Next time yoursquore frustrated and angry about your childrsquos behaviour pause take a deep breath and see if you can view that behaviour through the eyes of a child
One more thing is consider what we say to ourselves in our mind I so often hear the term lsquoattention seekingrsquo when talking about inappropriate behaviour in children If we could reframe that to ndash lsquolove seeking or connection seekingrsquo our response will be different
Family meetings are a wonderful way to resolve issues affirm values and rules and to connect Read my article on 10 Top Tips for a Successful Family Meeting
More on childrenrsquos anxietyRobin Grille in his book Heart to Heart Parenting (2008) outlines some of the things that are going on in a babyrsquos consciousness that I think are very helpful for is to keep in mind
raquo Babies feel everything far more intensely than do adults
raquo Babies cannot lie put on an act or pretend like older children What you see is what you get mdash complete emotional honesty
raquo Babies cannot plan or think ahead mdash all they do is to react
raquo Babies are incapable of influencing or manipulating anyone
raquo Babies do not understand time
raquo Babies have very little ability to soothe themselves
raquo Babies have no strong defences against pain or sorrow as they do not yet have the fight or flight response
raquo If babies learn that reaching out is rewarding they will become strong communicators able to connect with people more effectively
ldquoLow serotonin levels are a key component in many forms of aggression and violent behaviour Opiods are vital to diminish feelings of fear and stress so deactivation of opiods in parts of the brain leads to increases in negative feelings and stress and decreases in positive feelingsrdquo
mdash Margot Sunderland The Science of Parenting (2007)
Distress (chronic stress)
01 Halves neuron development
02 Reduces effectiveness of the dendrites
03 Reduces brain to lsquosurvivalrsquo mode rather than upper cognitive processing
04 Reduces blood supply to the brain
05 Stimulates emotional meltdowns
06 Impedes immune system
What happens to the body when it enters lsquoflight or fightrsquo state (Distress)
raquo Breathing becomes shallow
raquo The heart rate increases
raquo Blood pressure rises
raquo Adrenaline and cortisol hormones are released into the blood
raquo The senses are heightened
raquo The liver releases stored sugar into the blood
raquo Muscles tense and tighten
raquo Blood flow increases to the brain and major muscles and is constricted to the extremities
mdash Patrice Thomas Stress in Early Childhood (2006)
Calming our children ndash strategies Now that we have looked at many of the symptoms and causes of stress and anxiety I want to focus on ways to help calm our children and our homes classrooms and early years centres This first thing to bear in mind is
ldquoHappy Calm Children Learn Bestrdquo
mdash Daniel Goleman
This quote is so truehellip our children need to be happy and calm to learn at school and at home If they are stressed all their energy and enthusiasm will be diverted to dealing with that stress So letrsquos look at how to support them with this
Herersquos a summary of some of my resources to help your children with anxiety
ArticlesThe Importance of a Go-Slow Childhood 10 Tips to Ease Separation Distress The Invisible Enemy of Anxiety Childhood Stress
AudiosI have several audios to help with anxiety
SafeNSound and Sleepytime are for under 10s and are free from my website
My latest download for anxious children is called Soothing the Frightened Butterflies which costs $5 as a download This can really help build coping and calming strategies for anxious kids
Managing our own stress especially for busy mums is important and that may mean joining a class or group to try yoga tai chi meditation or mindfulness activities or sound relaxation mdash or you can do any of these things when you have some free time in your own home Try my free Moonlight Relaxation for Mums (and mother figures)
Soothing calming and relaxationThe opposite of stress and distress is calmness and feeling relaxed If a child clings to you she is trying to bring down a high body arousal level and high levels of stress chemicals She is trying to activate the positive brain chemicals that activate feelings of wellbeing Research shows that children who have been soothed quickly and frequently tend to become self-soothers and manage stress better (Sunderland 2007) Due to the neuroplasticity of the human brain calmness can be learned at any stage of life
Top tips for soothing Key ways to trigger oxytocin mdash the love neurotransmitter
01 Calm adults
02 Touch and massage mdash especially lsquotickle pointrsquo (high on back mdash stroke gently) Works with children of any age
03 Rocking
04 Sucking
05 Physical comforters mdash soft toys dummies blankets
06 Warmth approx 21 degrees C mdash (or cooling if child has a temperature)
07 Low soothing sounds familiar songs
08 Bathing in warm bath
09 Novelty mdash laughter
10 Avoid overstimulation especially loud voices noises too much chaos and too much change
My top three tips for parents to soothe our childrenrsquos worlds mdash The three lsquoSrsquos
01 Slow down mdash walk slower talk slower do less and allow an extra 15 minutes than you think you need to get children ready for a scheduled event like going to school Ask what you can take out of your life so that you can be a calmer parent especially in the early years mdash avoid wearing too many hats when your children are young
02 Soothe more mdash remember that brain chemicals flood our childrenrsquos brains quite irrationally and chaotically Reassure children that they are valued safe and that mistakes and accidents are normal
03 Create safety mdash is your home child friendly Can your children relax sometimes without being stressed to have your home looking like itrsquos a feature house in a House and Garden magazine Is there somewhere for introverted children to hide from people and the world to fill their energy cup
Parent tips for reducing stress in children
raquo Children benefit from calm quiet spaces in their world
raquo Avoid being rushed and hurried
raquo Use quiet voices with gentle tones
raquo Have regular quiet times in your home when all electronic stuff is turned off
raquo Allow children time just lsquoto bersquo and not always be busy
raquo Children sense their parentsrsquo stress and react to it mdash so reduce your stress
raquo Ensure children have good night sleep patterns
raquo Calmness can be learned mdash do a relaxation activity with them
raquo Avoid too much noise and visual stimulation in homes
raquo Avoid too much exposure to TVs computers smart phones and other electronic games and devices
raquo Create safe home environments with boundaries and routines
raquo Avoid too much significant change in childrenrsquos lives
raquo Avoid pressuring your children
raquo Soothing and reassuring children triggers oxytocin and calms children
mdash Maggie Dent Real Kids in an Unreal World (2nd edition 2016)
How to calm an overloaded nervous system in our homes centres amp classrooms
raquo Calm grown ups
raquo Routines and habits
raquo Silent sound signals
raquo Movement amp relaxation
raquo Calming music
raquo Mindfulness
raquo Low vocal tones
raquo Absorbed play
raquo Quiet corner bean bag
raquo Thinking time
raquo Regular quiet times
raquo Calming audio visualisations
raquo Laughter and lightness
raquo Plenty of nature time
Tips for soothing separation distress
Separation distress or anxiety is very common among children and Sunderland believes this distress can influence children even as old as eight
The changes of environment people routines and the number of other children they are interacting with can all cause spikes in cortisol creating those stress symptoms you might see mdash crying clinging tummy aches refusal to leave your side poor appetite restless sleep and even outbursts and tantrums
Remember this means the lsquodownstairs brainrsquo is registering threat mdash and is acting accordingly Remember too that the key stressor for children is separation from the most significant grownup who is their protector
As a starting point it is useful to explain to kids that new things places and people often make even adults feel those same feelings of being a little unsettled or anxious
Young children usually have strong imaginations and I have found that some small techniques that strengthen the connection to Mum or Dad while they are away from you can help lots
I have shared some of my strategies for dealing with separation anxiety in my article 10 Tips to Ease Separation Distress
Safe touchWhy is safe touch so important in caring relationships
Clinical studies at the American Academy of Paediatrics found that touch therapy helped premature newborn babies to gain weight It also improved asthmatic childrenrsquos breathing assisted in balancing glucose levels for diabetic children and lowered stress levels improving the immune system Researcher Tiffany Field PhD from the Touch Research Institute at the University of Miami believes that ldquotouch is as important to infants and children as eating and sleepingrdquo
Soothing touch triggers positive brain chemicals especially serotonin which quite literally soothes the nervous system of the whole child Other ways to soothe include rocking soothing calm sounds from a safe adult and listening to familiar songs or nursery rhymes
We do need to seriously reconsider the fear-driven perception we have around the safe touch of students A retired principal once told me that a lawyer had spoken to him about the legal perspective of being sued for inappropriate touching You can only be pursued legally if you have touched someone without their approval or consent This did not have to be verbal consent tacit approval was sufficient What this means is that when a child falls over or hurts his or herself and comes running with arms up for a hug we have their tacit approval Common-sense needs to prevail
What needs to happen in our homes and schools to ensure that our children know what safe touch entails is that we must educate our children around body safety and awareness No longer can we hope that a significant grown-up has given them some guidance In our highly sexualised world where explicit images and pornography can be found without even looking for them we must give our children the tools to be able to understand where touch is no longer safe for themselves or for others
How can we build more safe touch in our homes
01 If your young children find their way to your bed in the middle of the night because theyrsquore frightened welcome them immediately If you find it difficult to sleep with a squirming wriggling little one in your bed it is completely okay for one of the grown-ups to go and sleep in their bed (especially if your little one wonrsquot settle back into their bed) The important thing is to soothe the fear or the need to be close first One day you will miss the fact that they no longer turn up for a nightly snuggle
02 Be mindful of gentle touching your children more often ndash a gentle hand on the shoulder holding their hands ruffling their hair non-annoying tickling sitting really closely on the couch being really close when you read stories picking them up and holding them close in a hug secret handshakes and high fives all keep physical intimacy alive and well
03 Help your children to create a list of people they feel are safe to allow them to touch them respectfully We still need to be mindful that even the people in this safe circle need to be respectful of when children give their tacit approval to be held or touched My beautiful two-year-old granddaughter can be slow to warm when we first reconnect and I will always offer her a loving verbal greeting however with no pressure for her to respond equally She is just two and has a long way to go to understand the nuances of human interaction particularly communication Adolescents struggle in a similar way and again it is not a sign of disrespect ndash although it is often seen as that ndash or a sign that they donrsquot care for the people who are trying to communicate to them They also improve with continued growth of the prefrontal cortex
04 Each child will have a certain preference around safe touch Personal space is different for us all Some of our children particularly those with sensory processing disorder (SPD) or who are on the spectrum prefer not to be touched at all Some prefer very vigorous rugby style hugs others non-verbal gestures like a smile a wink or even a gentle nod of your head in their direction Some like to sit all over us ndash and often Some might like a gentle head massage or even a back tickle It can be really helpful when we follow their preferences and we are able to meet that hunger for safe touch
05 There is a special spot high up on the back below the neck (between the shoulders) that is particularly sensitive when touched in a gentle and slow way It has been called the tickle spot
It is a bit like an accelerator button that can trigger serotonin which is a calming brain chemical Sometimes in situations where we can see our children struggling gently stroking this spot can actually help them calm down and feel soothed I have used this spot often in the queue in shopping centres when my lads were starting to get restless
06 The calmer our children are the more receptive they will be to being touched in a loving way Sometimes when they are really stressed and could benefit from loving safe touch they reject it or push it away
07 It can be helpful having a conversation with those who are in your close parenting circle of family or friends about safe touch Tell those who you trust that you encourage safe touch I remember one of my sonrsquos best friends who was dealing with the sudden death of his dad telling my son that my hugs were all soft and squishy and they felt good Personally it took me a long time to be comfortable with other people touching me in a caring way and Irsquom a firm believer in the power of a good hug when itrsquos welcome
08 Sometimes being held with love by a trusted person can say more than any words
Dr Arthur Janov author of The Biology of Love (2000) argues that the absence of loving care early in life causes increased levels of stress for a person The result of this deprivation is high levels of cortisol that change the structure of the brain Brain scans taken of extremely violent young men show huge spaces in the pre-frontal lobe
It only takes one genuinely trustworthy person to use safe touch to reframe how a child sees the world and to reshape how their brains perceive safety and tenderness Our world needs more love kindness and gentleness right now and so let the conversation begin
Sibling conflict a normal part of family lifeldquoThere is no way around it Sibling rivalry is universal After all every human is genetically programmed to protect resources that will help him survive and your children depend on and compete for what are in fact precious resources mdash your time and attention
I found that parenting gets a lot easier when we as parents can do 3 very hard things
1 Regulate our emotions
2 Stay connected with our child even when wersquore setting limits or the child is upset
3 Coach instead of controlling by fostering emotional intelligence guiding with empathetic limits instead of punishment and supporting masteryrdquo
mdash Dr Laura Markham Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life (2015)
Sibling rivalry is indeed one of lifersquos great teachers Indeed it helps us learn how to get along with others It also helps put a bit more sensitivity into our feisty lsquoroosterrsquo children and a bit more lsquoroosterrsquo into our sensitive lambs when parenting children of different temperaments
I have written an article about sibling rivalry that offers more detail on where it comes from rivalry between roosters and lambs and how to manage it and how to turn aggression into awareness Read my article on sibling rivalry
How not to deal with sibling rivalryhellip
According to Dr Laura if we punish or are too permissive with our children around their fighting it only creates more fighting The reason for this is because if we are not demonstrating kindness and fairness to solve the issue our kids will model the same approach Your child will handle conflict the way you show them (Markham 2015)
Our children donrsquot learn to be empathetic compassionate human beings by being punished for sibling rivalry Instead they learn to do things simply to avoid punishment not to be intrinsically caring They donrsquot learn self-discipline (remember the Three Family Rules I wrote about earlier) they learn to use power over each other and it can make them fearful and more likely to be angry and depressed (Markham 2015)
Included in this notion of punishment are lsquotimeoutsrsquo Dr Laura and I are on the same page when it comes to thishellip timeouts can be another way of shaming our kids and disconnecting from the
When my four lads got into conflict I found a much better solution was to send them all outside together for five minutes for ldquoa change of sceneryrdquo Invariably after five minutes they wouldnrsquot bother coming back in because being outside had shifted their mood and they got caught up in a new game
So what does help
The key is to help siblings see the world through their siblingrsquos eyes ndash to show why something is not fair or may be unkind or just plain wrong
My suggestions
raquo Stay calm
raquo Ensure safety of all
raquo Make sense of what is happening
raquo Re-connect to family rules
raquo Avoid making quick judgements
raquo Allow calm down time while being nearby
raquo Connect with all parties in a warm way AFTERWARDS
OR Use a nudge
ldquoA nudge is essentially a means of encouraging or guiding behaviour but without mandating or instructing and ideally without the need for heavy financial incentives or sanctions Sometimes behaviour changes with a surprisingly light touchrdquo
mdash David Halpern Inside the Nudge Unit How small changes can make a big difference (2015)
Basically a nudge is a bit of gentle positive persuasion ndash hints suggestions helpful comments hellip
If you reduce friction a nudge can be a potent way of clearing the path to make it easy for people to do something that they probably already intended to do but had not got around to it
01 Unexpected small reward in private
02 A quiet thank you and a positive touch moment in private
03 Positive noticing
04 Mention good conflict solving at family meeting
05 Let kids hear you tell someone else how great they have been
06 Tell your kids they are smart and can work out ways to sort out conflict themselves
07 Change location when things get a bit lsquoouchyrsquo in a calm and warm way
08 Use lightness and novelty
09 Inspirational images around the house reminding everyone within that lsquolove lives herersquo and reflecting your familyrsquos values
Tips from Dr Laura01 Talk about feelings
02 Ask questions about feelings needs wants and choices
03 Explain and model ndash expect to repeat yourself
04 Practice finding win-win solutions
05 Model lsquoIrsquo statements ldquoI feel hellipBecause I wantneed hellip And I observed that hellip eg I feel worried because I want to get there on time and I see that you arenrsquot ready to leave yet so please put on your shoesrdquo
06 Model pro social behaviour
mdash Dr Laura Markham Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life (2015)
and alsoRead Dr Laurarsquos blog ldquoWhy punishment doesnrsquot teach your child accountabilityrdquo for more on punishment
Read her ldquoWhatrsquos Wrong With Timeoutsrdquo blog to find out why time outs are also not a great response to sibling conflicts
And her Siblings 101 blog has some fantastic tips for turning sibling rivalry around
You can find all of Dr Laura Markhamrsquos helpful blogs and her two Peaceful Parent books at wwwahaparentingcom
Your new role is as an interpreter mdash which is technically emotional coaching
And a few notes on some other dilemmas for anyone raising or working with childrenhellip
Telling liesEveryone tells lies
Some children are often frightened into telling lies
Explain the difference between black lies and white lies
Spend time honouring the truth
Read picture books about honesty ndash Franklin Fibs Aesoprsquos Fables Pig the Pug Fibber
I have done a video blog about when children tell lies so take a few minutes to watch that to hear my suggestions
Watch Telling Lies Blog
You might also be interested in this very interesting article talking about research that suggests children who are subjected to punitive methods of discipline are less likely to be honest
Tsunami of Technology ndash Keeping the Balance
The benefits of technology are a given However there are concerns and we need to be aware of those
Concerns to keep in mind
raquo Posture problems
raquo Learning the lsquoplay codersquo
raquo Impact on human communication amp intimacy
raquo Passivity
raquo Sleep issues
raquo Dopamine receptor changes
raquo Short sightedness
raquo Instant entertainment
raquo Language saturation
raquo Creativity
raquo Boredom
raquo Addictive usage
Recommendations
01 As little as possible under 5
02 Never allow screens in bedroom
03 Have excellent remote parental controls on all devices and PCsApples ndash I recommend you take a look at Family Zone
04 Make sure your children are only able to access Kids YouTube
05 Have clear boundaries especially at night
06 Keep in mind the use mdash educational vs entertainment
07 Best use is when there is interaction with others
08 Have a basket for all hand held screens including parentsrsquo around meal times or other together times
09 Check other parentsrsquo boundaries before allowing children to visit ndash be strong
10 Have techno free times for fun
I have a few articles and resources on screens at my common concerns page on screen time httpswwwmaggiedentcomcommon-concernsscreen-time
As a parent or adult caring for children be mindful of Digital Abandonment
Watch my video blog on Digital Abandonment in Modern Families
I am so impressed with the work being done on the digital dilemma for parents by Dr Kristy Goodwin Please take the time to check out her blog and her excellent book Raising Your Child in a Digital World httpdrkristygoodwincom
REFERENCES Dent M (2014) 9 Things A back-to-basics guide to calm common-sense connected parenting birth-8 Murwillumbah NSW Pennington Publications
Dent M (2016) Real Kids in an Unreal World Building resilience amp self-esteem in todayrsquos children Murwillumbah NSW Pennington Publications
Dent M (2003) Saving Our children from Our Chaotic World Teaching children the magic of silence and stillness Dunsborough WA Pennington Publications
Doidge N (2007) The Brain That Changes Itself Stories of personal triumph from the frontiers of brain science New York Viking
Fuller A (2007) Tricky kids Transforming conflict and freeing their potential Sydney Finch Publishing
Goleman D (1996) Emotional Intelligence Why it can matter more than IQ UK Bloomsbury Publishing
Goodwin K (2016) Raising Your Child in a Digital World Sydney Finch Publishing
Grille R (2008) Heart to Heart Parenting Nurturing your childrsquos emotional intelligence from conception to school age Sydney ABC Books
Grille R (2013) Parenting for a Peaceful World (second edition) Asheville NC Vox Cordis Press
Halpern D (2009) Inside the Nudge Unit How small changes can make a big difference UK WHAllen
Janov A (2000) The Biology of Love New York Prometheus Books
Jensen E (2006) Enriching the Brain San Francisco CA Jossey-Bass
Markham L (2015) Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life New York TarcherPerigree
Neufeld G amp Mateacute G (2005) Hold On to Your Kids Why parents need to matter more than peers New York Ballantine Books
Rando L (2010) Caring and Connected Parenting A guide to raising connected children from birth to 4 years CA USA The Spiritual Alliance to Stop Intimate Violence
Shanker S (2016) (with Teresa Barker) Self-Reg How to help your child (and you) break the stress cycle and successfully engage with life Penguin Press
Siegel D J MD amp Bryson T P PhD (2011) The Whole-Brain Child 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your childrsquos developing mind survive everyday parenting struggles and help your family thrive New York Delacorte Press
Sunderland M (2007) The Science of Parenting How todayrsquos brain research can help you raise happy emotionally balanced children New York DK Publishing
Thomas P (2006) Stress in Early Childhood Helping children and their carers ACT Australia Early Childhood Australia
amp some other good readsNaomi Aldort (2005) Raising Our Children Raising Ourselves
Marcy Axness (2012) Parenting for Peace Raising the next generation of peacemakers
All of Steve Biddulphrsquos books Raising Boys Raising Girls The New Manhood The Secret of Happy Childrenhellip
Breacutene Brown (2013) The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting Raising children with courage compassion amp connection Audio CD
Gary Chapman amp Ross Campbell (2012) The 5 Love Languages of Children
Shelley Davidow (2014) Raising Stress-Proof Kids Parenting todayrsquos children in tomorrowrsquos world
Carol Dweck (2012) Mindset The new psychology of success
Tim Gill (2007) No Fear Growing up in a risk averse society
Peter Gray (2013) Free to Learn Why unleashing the instinct to play will make our children happier more self-reliant and better students for life
Jo Jackson King (2010) Raising the Best Possible Child How to navigate parenting myths and bring up confident happy kids
Janet Lansbury (2014) Elevating Child Care A guide to respectful parenting AND No Bad Kids Toddler discipline without shame
Vanessa LaPointe (2015) Discipline Without Damage How to get your kids to behave without messing them up
Pam Leo (2007) Connection Parenting Parenting through connection instead of coercion through love instead of fear wwwConnectionParentingcom
Richard Louv (2005) Last Child in the Woods Saving our children from nature-deficit disorder
Laura Markham (2012) Peaceful Parent Happy Kids how to stop yelling and start connecting
Rachel Macy Stafford (2014) Hands Free Mama and her new book (2017) Only Love Today
Shefali Tsabary (2014) Out of Control Why disciplining your child doesnrsquot work and what will
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
Sometimes what is seen as misbehaviour is more a stress behaviour Or a sign your child is not coping with their world In the excellent new book on self-regulation Self-Reg How to help your child (and you) break the stress cycle and successfully engage with life by Dr Stuart Shanker with Teresa Barker (2016) we learn much to help us understand stress behaviour
Shanker Self-Regtrade is explained in the following way
bull Self-Reg starts by reframing a childrsquos behaviour and for that matter our own It means seeing the meaning of the childrsquos behaviour maybe for the first time
bull Self-Reg will show you where to stand how to bring your childrsquos behaviour into focus respond to your childrsquos needs and help your child help himself
bull Self-Reg starts with how well we can identify and reduce our own stressors and how we can stay calm and attentive when we interact with a child
mdash Source Stuart Shanker Self-Reg (2016)
The brain and self-regulation
Babies only have a lsquoprimitive brainrsquo and somewhere in the growth over the first years of life they grow the next level of the brain the limbic brain You often hear this referred to as the emotional centre of the brain and basically this system lies underneath our more rational pre-frontal cortex Some of the limbic systemrsquos major structures include the
raquo Amygdala
raquo Hippocampus
raquo Hypothalamus
raquo Striatum
The limbic system is the where our strong emotions and urges come from Think of the meltdowns and temper tantrums over the wrong coloured cup the sandwich cut the wrong way and the apple peeled instead of not
In his book Enriching the Brain (2006) Eric Jensen writes that memories are anchored much more deeply when there are strong emotions present The limbic system plays a part here too That is why powerful scary memories anchor so deeply in the brain alongside those memories that were accompanied by exquisite joy (If you want some ideas about this read my Making Memories That Matter article)
ldquo Love desire fear shame anger and trauma all share a neurological home baserdquo mdash Shanker (2016)
Now we often hear about how stress and especially prolonged distress triggers us to come from our lsquoprimitive brainrsquo ndash so we go into fight flight or freeze mode And this can inhibit our ability to respond from our pre-frontal cortex (which isnrsquot fully formed until wersquore adults) This aspect of our brain which is commonly referred to as our lsquohigherrsquo brain or lsquoexecutive functioningrsquo brain plays a role in managing our emotions planning making decisions deliberating over consequences and guiding our social behaviour and the like
Shanker (2016) writes about how very influential the limbic system in particular the hypothalamus is in regulating everything from our body temperature hunger and thirst heart rate and breathing through to ldquoaspects of hearing speaking mind reading other peoplersquos social and emotional cues parenting and attachment behavioursrdquo
Basically he explains ldquoAll of these different functions are tied to the brainrsquos most primitive response to anything from relatively minor stressors to fullon threats ndash or at least what our limbic system lsquodecidesrsquo is a threat When we can calm that response we begin to bring all of the other self-regulatory processes into syncrdquo
He also refers to new discoveries being made all the time into how being in flightflight mode can switch off certain brain functions including for example how stress impacts on childrenrsquos middle ear muscles and affects their capacity to process speech and hear low-frequency sounds (Shanker 2016)
I am pretty sure that in a moment of conflict a parent would seldom be using low frequency sounds No wonder they canrsquot hear us
I have a video blog on Why boysrsquo behaviour is their language but really this notion applies to all children and as parents and educators we need to be like detectives in looking for clues to determine when a child is stressed and needs support to calm their stress levels
Similar to the symptoms listed above for anxiety stressed children can present in many ways irritable unfocused explosive clingy aggressive quick to anger oppositional overly teary hard to get moving overly sensitivehellip all of these are signs your child may be experiencing a high level of stress
No matter what the triggers for this stress are ndash these children who are often seen as naughty or badly behaved are quite simply not coping with their world The children who are under more stress have less capacity to manage Excess stress drains their energy and then if they meet more challenge that triggers more stress everything can collide together like a perfect storm
I believe that the lsquoschoolificationrsquo of young children is a major contributor to the increase in stress anxiety and a lot of inappropriate behaviour wersquore seeing as many children are struggling to cope
Main sources of stress and anxiety in children raquo Hurried over-scheduled world
raquo Temperaments and personality
raquo Absence of healthy love and attachment
raquo Too much pressure on children to perform
raquo Stressed parents who rush
raquo Not enough calm still quiet solo time
raquo Poor sleep patterns
raquo Too much stimulation from TV toys and adult commands
raquo Not enough consistency and routines
raquo Too much social change or social dislocation
raquo Shaming language
raquo Threats of abuse and violence
raquo Death and loss experiences
An overactive stress response system originating in childhood underlies many mental disorders later in life
raquo Depression
raquo Persistent states of anxiety
raquo Phobias and obsessions
raquo Physical symptoms and illness
raquo Being cut off emotionally
raquo Lethargy and lack of get up and go
raquo Lack of desire and excitement
raquo Lack of spontaneity
Much of the punishment that children receive for poor behaviour can be seen as adding fuel to a smouldering fire Think blaming shaming shouting and hitting ndash these punitive measures are still lingering from the harsh parenting and education practices of the last century especially before the 1970s
If punishment is too harsh a child can simply shut down ndash a serious level of stress survival that can sometimes look like compliance It is actually a sign that the child is highly distressed and can be damaging to your ongoing relationship
The damaging effects of shaming
Shame is the name we give to the overwhelming feeling that we need to crawl under a rock because we see ourselves as unworthy unpleasant unlikeable or reprehensible and because we expect to be judged or rejected accordingly
ldquoShame is like a knife that sharply delineates the limits of love in every culture the warning signal that something we are doing risks us being ostracisedrdquo
mdash Robin Grille Heart to Heart Parenting (2008)
Examples of shaming
raquo Deliberately ignoring a child
raquo Being sarcastic
raquo Walking away as though a child does not exist
raquo Rolling onersquos eyes
raquo Glaring at a child with disgust
raquo Shouting yelling and swearing at a child
We also shame when we say things such as
raquo ldquoYou ought to be ashamed of yourselfrdquo
raquo ldquoYou naughty boyrdquo
raquo ldquoYou are acting like a selfish bratrdquo
raquo ldquoYoursquove been a bad little girlrdquo
raquo ldquoGrow uprdquo
raquo ldquoStop acting like a babyrdquo
raquo ldquoDonrsquot be a sissyrdquo
raquo Girls donrsquot do that sort of thingrdquo
raquo ldquoYoursquore hopelessrdquo
raquo ldquoYoursquore not even tryingrdquo
raquo ldquoWhy canrsquot you be more like your brotherrdquo
raquo What are people going to think
The dynamics of energyUnderpinning this work in self-regulation is the notion that rather than shaming and controlling our children for reacting to stress we can help them learn to self-regulate We do this by supporting them to recognise whatrsquos going on in their bodies and how they can make themselves feel better A lot of this has to do with them (and us) monitoring their energy levels and what might be affecting them
This actually happens from birth Shanker (2016) writes of the ldquointer-brainrdquo which is ldquoa right brain-to-right brain communication channel between the parents and the baby delivered through touch sounds looks and even smellsrdquo
ldquoWe are designed to draw energy from one another and restore energy through one anotherhellip The better we can understand what might be draining a childrsquos energy reserves the better we can tailor our interactions and the choices we make to reduce that strainrdquo
mdash Stuart Shanker Self-Reg (2016)
Further Shanker says most stressors can be broken down to belonging in one of ldquoThe Five Domains of Stress and Self-Regulationrdquo biological emotional cognitive social and pro-social
Each of these domains has various stressors belonging to them and the better we understand those the better we can help to reduce them For example Shanker lists a pro-social stressor as ldquohaving to deal with other peoplersquos strong emotionsrdquo while a biological stressor might be tiredness or a noisy environment We can then look for signs that our child is potentially experiencing one of these stressors (Shanker 2016)
As parents carers and educators by having a greater understanding of these domains ndash stressors can come from more than one at a time ndash we can identify when children are experiencing issues in the various domains and adjust things to reduce the stress
More on self-regulationhellipThrough his work with The Mehrit Centre Dr Stuart Shanker has provided a wealth of excellent free resources on his website for teachers and parents and I would encourage everyone to not only read his new book Self-Reg but to spend some time browsing the site reading about these methods in more detail and using some of the tools provided at home or in your centreclassroom httpsself-regcaself-reg
In particular you may find these infographics helpful
Understanding Stress Behaviour for Parents Understanding Stress Behaviour for Teachers The Five Steps to Self-Regulation (The Shanker Methodtrade)
Becoming a CSI Detective We have to remember that in all interactions with our children maintaining a warm relationship needs to be first priority
Patterns habits routines and structure make the world more predictable and less startling for children I write about why healthy boundaries matter in my 10 resilience building blocks for an important reason
The better a baby and young children can recognise predictable patterns the less frightening and more engaging the world becomes Babies constantly look and listen for patterns all around them With pattern recognition comes the ability to know what yoursquore feeling and to act in an intentional way in your environment ndash it helps all of us anticipate what will happen next without becoming frightened about the uncertainty of the world
Chaos and rigidity are the two most confronting things that can impact our little onersquos lives Having routines and consistency makes the world safer for them and so they are not wasting vital energy figuring out if they are safe or not Always having to focus on survival denies children the capacity to interact in a curious way with the world Children quickly flip to survival brain because their pre frontal cortex is too immature and they will struggle when they donrsquot
understand what they are experiencing or why people are behaving the way they are or when this is too much for them Confusion and uncertainty are the opposite of having patterns and routines
The stronger a child is attached to key caregivers and the more attuned these caregivers are the better the child will navigate the uncertainties they will meet ndash moment by moment This means they will have more energy to explore and seek new things Yes it does take hours and hours of connected interaction to build these predictable pathways ndash this is called scaffolding and is essential to all learning Scaffolding is respectful to our young children because it values the input of the child first rather than something we do with a child
Acknowledging kids positively raquo Smile at them
raquo Wink at them
raquo Say hello using their name
raquo Say ldquoIrsquom glad to see yourdquo
raquo Suggest ldquoLetrsquos go play togetherrdquo
raquo Ask them to show you how to do a puzzle
raquo Give them a pat on the head back
raquo Hug them if appropriate
raquo Ask about their favourite toy
raquo Play a hand or clapping game with them
raquo Hold their hand
raquo Say things like
bull ldquoThank you for helping me clean up the toysrdquo
bull ldquoI noticed you washing your hands after going to the toiletrdquo
bull ldquoI know how hard it is to be patient when you play with othersrdquo
bull ldquoI noticed you using your quiet voice mdash well donerdquo
raquo Sing songs with them especially their favourite ones
raquo Cuddle up and watch ABC Kids with them
raquo Pretend to be an animal
raquo Call them up and say hello
raquo Make them laugh
Communicating compassionately with our children
Communication seems such a simple thing to do however poor communication is one of the key factors underlying conflict in our families We simply misunderstand each other
Being heard
Here are some phrases you might use that let your child know you are really hearing him or her
raquo ldquoLet me put this down so I can give you my full attentionrdquo
raquo ldquoWait a second while I turn off the TVradiocomputer so I can really hear yourdquo
raquo ldquoLetrsquos have some time together nowrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat would you like to do when we have our time together tomorrow afternoonrdquo
raquo ldquoSo what you mean isrdquo
raquo ldquoTell me more about thisrdquo
raquo ldquoIn other wordsrdquo
raquo ldquoLet me see if I understand you so farrdquo
raquo ldquoThat must have beenfor yourdquo
raquo ldquoAre you open to some feedback from merdquo
raquo ldquoNow thatrsquos interestingrdquo
raquo ldquoDoes that feel fair to yourdquo
raquo ldquoTell me what you were hoping to dordquo
raquo ldquoHow can we make this betterrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat do you think needs to happen nowrdquo
raquo ldquoSounds like youwe have a problemrdquo
raquo ldquoWhose problem is thisrdquo
raquo ldquoDoes that feel kind to yourdquo
raquo ldquoThere is a problem here How can I help you to sort it outrdquo
raquo ldquoCheck it out inside Does it feel rightrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat were you trying to do hererdquo
raquo ldquoDo you need my help right now to sort out what is happeningrdquo
raquo ldquoI know you can handle itrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat would you like to do nowrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat would a good friend do nowrdquo
raquo ldquoI noticed thatrdquo
raquo ldquoHaving a go is important mdash we canrsquot all win
Some secrets of positive parental communication
raquo Distraction
raquo Respectful caring requests
raquo Saying ldquoYes mdash Afterrdquo
raquo ldquoItrsquos just the right thing to dordquo
raquo Really listening
raquo Calm down time
Four steps to nurturing the inner genius in your child
1 Pause and become present
2 Ask ldquoDid you do that all by yourselfrdquo
3 Explain why the choice is one you would prefer they didnrsquot make again
4 Have them clean up the mess
Creating a family solution-seeking processldquo90 of childhood misbehaviour is the result of the developmental journeyrdquo
ndash Dr Gordon Neufeld Hold On to Your Kids (2005)
Essentially this means that childrenrsquos behaviour when it does not meet our expectations is not so much wrong or bad it is mainly children being children with a childrsquos mind and depth of experience If a childrsquos behaviour is inconvenient to us as an adult it too is not bad or wrong it is merely a normal part of the developmental journey of growing from child to adult Next time yoursquore frustrated and angry about your childrsquos behaviour pause take a deep breath and see if you can view that behaviour through the eyes of a child
One more thing is consider what we say to ourselves in our mind I so often hear the term lsquoattention seekingrsquo when talking about inappropriate behaviour in children If we could reframe that to ndash lsquolove seeking or connection seekingrsquo our response will be different
Family meetings are a wonderful way to resolve issues affirm values and rules and to connect Read my article on 10 Top Tips for a Successful Family Meeting
More on childrenrsquos anxietyRobin Grille in his book Heart to Heart Parenting (2008) outlines some of the things that are going on in a babyrsquos consciousness that I think are very helpful for is to keep in mind
raquo Babies feel everything far more intensely than do adults
raquo Babies cannot lie put on an act or pretend like older children What you see is what you get mdash complete emotional honesty
raquo Babies cannot plan or think ahead mdash all they do is to react
raquo Babies are incapable of influencing or manipulating anyone
raquo Babies do not understand time
raquo Babies have very little ability to soothe themselves
raquo Babies have no strong defences against pain or sorrow as they do not yet have the fight or flight response
raquo If babies learn that reaching out is rewarding they will become strong communicators able to connect with people more effectively
ldquoLow serotonin levels are a key component in many forms of aggression and violent behaviour Opiods are vital to diminish feelings of fear and stress so deactivation of opiods in parts of the brain leads to increases in negative feelings and stress and decreases in positive feelingsrdquo
mdash Margot Sunderland The Science of Parenting (2007)
Distress (chronic stress)
01 Halves neuron development
02 Reduces effectiveness of the dendrites
03 Reduces brain to lsquosurvivalrsquo mode rather than upper cognitive processing
04 Reduces blood supply to the brain
05 Stimulates emotional meltdowns
06 Impedes immune system
What happens to the body when it enters lsquoflight or fightrsquo state (Distress)
raquo Breathing becomes shallow
raquo The heart rate increases
raquo Blood pressure rises
raquo Adrenaline and cortisol hormones are released into the blood
raquo The senses are heightened
raquo The liver releases stored sugar into the blood
raquo Muscles tense and tighten
raquo Blood flow increases to the brain and major muscles and is constricted to the extremities
mdash Patrice Thomas Stress in Early Childhood (2006)
Calming our children ndash strategies Now that we have looked at many of the symptoms and causes of stress and anxiety I want to focus on ways to help calm our children and our homes classrooms and early years centres This first thing to bear in mind is
ldquoHappy Calm Children Learn Bestrdquo
mdash Daniel Goleman
This quote is so truehellip our children need to be happy and calm to learn at school and at home If they are stressed all their energy and enthusiasm will be diverted to dealing with that stress So letrsquos look at how to support them with this
Herersquos a summary of some of my resources to help your children with anxiety
ArticlesThe Importance of a Go-Slow Childhood 10 Tips to Ease Separation Distress The Invisible Enemy of Anxiety Childhood Stress
AudiosI have several audios to help with anxiety
SafeNSound and Sleepytime are for under 10s and are free from my website
My latest download for anxious children is called Soothing the Frightened Butterflies which costs $5 as a download This can really help build coping and calming strategies for anxious kids
Managing our own stress especially for busy mums is important and that may mean joining a class or group to try yoga tai chi meditation or mindfulness activities or sound relaxation mdash or you can do any of these things when you have some free time in your own home Try my free Moonlight Relaxation for Mums (and mother figures)
Soothing calming and relaxationThe opposite of stress and distress is calmness and feeling relaxed If a child clings to you she is trying to bring down a high body arousal level and high levels of stress chemicals She is trying to activate the positive brain chemicals that activate feelings of wellbeing Research shows that children who have been soothed quickly and frequently tend to become self-soothers and manage stress better (Sunderland 2007) Due to the neuroplasticity of the human brain calmness can be learned at any stage of life
Top tips for soothing Key ways to trigger oxytocin mdash the love neurotransmitter
01 Calm adults
02 Touch and massage mdash especially lsquotickle pointrsquo (high on back mdash stroke gently) Works with children of any age
03 Rocking
04 Sucking
05 Physical comforters mdash soft toys dummies blankets
06 Warmth approx 21 degrees C mdash (or cooling if child has a temperature)
07 Low soothing sounds familiar songs
08 Bathing in warm bath
09 Novelty mdash laughter
10 Avoid overstimulation especially loud voices noises too much chaos and too much change
My top three tips for parents to soothe our childrenrsquos worlds mdash The three lsquoSrsquos
01 Slow down mdash walk slower talk slower do less and allow an extra 15 minutes than you think you need to get children ready for a scheduled event like going to school Ask what you can take out of your life so that you can be a calmer parent especially in the early years mdash avoid wearing too many hats when your children are young
02 Soothe more mdash remember that brain chemicals flood our childrenrsquos brains quite irrationally and chaotically Reassure children that they are valued safe and that mistakes and accidents are normal
03 Create safety mdash is your home child friendly Can your children relax sometimes without being stressed to have your home looking like itrsquos a feature house in a House and Garden magazine Is there somewhere for introverted children to hide from people and the world to fill their energy cup
Parent tips for reducing stress in children
raquo Children benefit from calm quiet spaces in their world
raquo Avoid being rushed and hurried
raquo Use quiet voices with gentle tones
raquo Have regular quiet times in your home when all electronic stuff is turned off
raquo Allow children time just lsquoto bersquo and not always be busy
raquo Children sense their parentsrsquo stress and react to it mdash so reduce your stress
raquo Ensure children have good night sleep patterns
raquo Calmness can be learned mdash do a relaxation activity with them
raquo Avoid too much noise and visual stimulation in homes
raquo Avoid too much exposure to TVs computers smart phones and other electronic games and devices
raquo Create safe home environments with boundaries and routines
raquo Avoid too much significant change in childrenrsquos lives
raquo Avoid pressuring your children
raquo Soothing and reassuring children triggers oxytocin and calms children
mdash Maggie Dent Real Kids in an Unreal World (2nd edition 2016)
How to calm an overloaded nervous system in our homes centres amp classrooms
raquo Calm grown ups
raquo Routines and habits
raquo Silent sound signals
raquo Movement amp relaxation
raquo Calming music
raquo Mindfulness
raquo Low vocal tones
raquo Absorbed play
raquo Quiet corner bean bag
raquo Thinking time
raquo Regular quiet times
raquo Calming audio visualisations
raquo Laughter and lightness
raquo Plenty of nature time
Tips for soothing separation distress
Separation distress or anxiety is very common among children and Sunderland believes this distress can influence children even as old as eight
The changes of environment people routines and the number of other children they are interacting with can all cause spikes in cortisol creating those stress symptoms you might see mdash crying clinging tummy aches refusal to leave your side poor appetite restless sleep and even outbursts and tantrums
Remember this means the lsquodownstairs brainrsquo is registering threat mdash and is acting accordingly Remember too that the key stressor for children is separation from the most significant grownup who is their protector
As a starting point it is useful to explain to kids that new things places and people often make even adults feel those same feelings of being a little unsettled or anxious
Young children usually have strong imaginations and I have found that some small techniques that strengthen the connection to Mum or Dad while they are away from you can help lots
I have shared some of my strategies for dealing with separation anxiety in my article 10 Tips to Ease Separation Distress
Safe touchWhy is safe touch so important in caring relationships
Clinical studies at the American Academy of Paediatrics found that touch therapy helped premature newborn babies to gain weight It also improved asthmatic childrenrsquos breathing assisted in balancing glucose levels for diabetic children and lowered stress levels improving the immune system Researcher Tiffany Field PhD from the Touch Research Institute at the University of Miami believes that ldquotouch is as important to infants and children as eating and sleepingrdquo
Soothing touch triggers positive brain chemicals especially serotonin which quite literally soothes the nervous system of the whole child Other ways to soothe include rocking soothing calm sounds from a safe adult and listening to familiar songs or nursery rhymes
We do need to seriously reconsider the fear-driven perception we have around the safe touch of students A retired principal once told me that a lawyer had spoken to him about the legal perspective of being sued for inappropriate touching You can only be pursued legally if you have touched someone without their approval or consent This did not have to be verbal consent tacit approval was sufficient What this means is that when a child falls over or hurts his or herself and comes running with arms up for a hug we have their tacit approval Common-sense needs to prevail
What needs to happen in our homes and schools to ensure that our children know what safe touch entails is that we must educate our children around body safety and awareness No longer can we hope that a significant grown-up has given them some guidance In our highly sexualised world where explicit images and pornography can be found without even looking for them we must give our children the tools to be able to understand where touch is no longer safe for themselves or for others
How can we build more safe touch in our homes
01 If your young children find their way to your bed in the middle of the night because theyrsquore frightened welcome them immediately If you find it difficult to sleep with a squirming wriggling little one in your bed it is completely okay for one of the grown-ups to go and sleep in their bed (especially if your little one wonrsquot settle back into their bed) The important thing is to soothe the fear or the need to be close first One day you will miss the fact that they no longer turn up for a nightly snuggle
02 Be mindful of gentle touching your children more often ndash a gentle hand on the shoulder holding their hands ruffling their hair non-annoying tickling sitting really closely on the couch being really close when you read stories picking them up and holding them close in a hug secret handshakes and high fives all keep physical intimacy alive and well
03 Help your children to create a list of people they feel are safe to allow them to touch them respectfully We still need to be mindful that even the people in this safe circle need to be respectful of when children give their tacit approval to be held or touched My beautiful two-year-old granddaughter can be slow to warm when we first reconnect and I will always offer her a loving verbal greeting however with no pressure for her to respond equally She is just two and has a long way to go to understand the nuances of human interaction particularly communication Adolescents struggle in a similar way and again it is not a sign of disrespect ndash although it is often seen as that ndash or a sign that they donrsquot care for the people who are trying to communicate to them They also improve with continued growth of the prefrontal cortex
04 Each child will have a certain preference around safe touch Personal space is different for us all Some of our children particularly those with sensory processing disorder (SPD) or who are on the spectrum prefer not to be touched at all Some prefer very vigorous rugby style hugs others non-verbal gestures like a smile a wink or even a gentle nod of your head in their direction Some like to sit all over us ndash and often Some might like a gentle head massage or even a back tickle It can be really helpful when we follow their preferences and we are able to meet that hunger for safe touch
05 There is a special spot high up on the back below the neck (between the shoulders) that is particularly sensitive when touched in a gentle and slow way It has been called the tickle spot
It is a bit like an accelerator button that can trigger serotonin which is a calming brain chemical Sometimes in situations where we can see our children struggling gently stroking this spot can actually help them calm down and feel soothed I have used this spot often in the queue in shopping centres when my lads were starting to get restless
06 The calmer our children are the more receptive they will be to being touched in a loving way Sometimes when they are really stressed and could benefit from loving safe touch they reject it or push it away
07 It can be helpful having a conversation with those who are in your close parenting circle of family or friends about safe touch Tell those who you trust that you encourage safe touch I remember one of my sonrsquos best friends who was dealing with the sudden death of his dad telling my son that my hugs were all soft and squishy and they felt good Personally it took me a long time to be comfortable with other people touching me in a caring way and Irsquom a firm believer in the power of a good hug when itrsquos welcome
08 Sometimes being held with love by a trusted person can say more than any words
Dr Arthur Janov author of The Biology of Love (2000) argues that the absence of loving care early in life causes increased levels of stress for a person The result of this deprivation is high levels of cortisol that change the structure of the brain Brain scans taken of extremely violent young men show huge spaces in the pre-frontal lobe
It only takes one genuinely trustworthy person to use safe touch to reframe how a child sees the world and to reshape how their brains perceive safety and tenderness Our world needs more love kindness and gentleness right now and so let the conversation begin
Sibling conflict a normal part of family lifeldquoThere is no way around it Sibling rivalry is universal After all every human is genetically programmed to protect resources that will help him survive and your children depend on and compete for what are in fact precious resources mdash your time and attention
I found that parenting gets a lot easier when we as parents can do 3 very hard things
1 Regulate our emotions
2 Stay connected with our child even when wersquore setting limits or the child is upset
3 Coach instead of controlling by fostering emotional intelligence guiding with empathetic limits instead of punishment and supporting masteryrdquo
mdash Dr Laura Markham Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life (2015)
Sibling rivalry is indeed one of lifersquos great teachers Indeed it helps us learn how to get along with others It also helps put a bit more sensitivity into our feisty lsquoroosterrsquo children and a bit more lsquoroosterrsquo into our sensitive lambs when parenting children of different temperaments
I have written an article about sibling rivalry that offers more detail on where it comes from rivalry between roosters and lambs and how to manage it and how to turn aggression into awareness Read my article on sibling rivalry
How not to deal with sibling rivalryhellip
According to Dr Laura if we punish or are too permissive with our children around their fighting it only creates more fighting The reason for this is because if we are not demonstrating kindness and fairness to solve the issue our kids will model the same approach Your child will handle conflict the way you show them (Markham 2015)
Our children donrsquot learn to be empathetic compassionate human beings by being punished for sibling rivalry Instead they learn to do things simply to avoid punishment not to be intrinsically caring They donrsquot learn self-discipline (remember the Three Family Rules I wrote about earlier) they learn to use power over each other and it can make them fearful and more likely to be angry and depressed (Markham 2015)
Included in this notion of punishment are lsquotimeoutsrsquo Dr Laura and I are on the same page when it comes to thishellip timeouts can be another way of shaming our kids and disconnecting from the
When my four lads got into conflict I found a much better solution was to send them all outside together for five minutes for ldquoa change of sceneryrdquo Invariably after five minutes they wouldnrsquot bother coming back in because being outside had shifted their mood and they got caught up in a new game
So what does help
The key is to help siblings see the world through their siblingrsquos eyes ndash to show why something is not fair or may be unkind or just plain wrong
My suggestions
raquo Stay calm
raquo Ensure safety of all
raquo Make sense of what is happening
raquo Re-connect to family rules
raquo Avoid making quick judgements
raquo Allow calm down time while being nearby
raquo Connect with all parties in a warm way AFTERWARDS
OR Use a nudge
ldquoA nudge is essentially a means of encouraging or guiding behaviour but without mandating or instructing and ideally without the need for heavy financial incentives or sanctions Sometimes behaviour changes with a surprisingly light touchrdquo
mdash David Halpern Inside the Nudge Unit How small changes can make a big difference (2015)
Basically a nudge is a bit of gentle positive persuasion ndash hints suggestions helpful comments hellip
If you reduce friction a nudge can be a potent way of clearing the path to make it easy for people to do something that they probably already intended to do but had not got around to it
01 Unexpected small reward in private
02 A quiet thank you and a positive touch moment in private
03 Positive noticing
04 Mention good conflict solving at family meeting
05 Let kids hear you tell someone else how great they have been
06 Tell your kids they are smart and can work out ways to sort out conflict themselves
07 Change location when things get a bit lsquoouchyrsquo in a calm and warm way
08 Use lightness and novelty
09 Inspirational images around the house reminding everyone within that lsquolove lives herersquo and reflecting your familyrsquos values
Tips from Dr Laura01 Talk about feelings
02 Ask questions about feelings needs wants and choices
03 Explain and model ndash expect to repeat yourself
04 Practice finding win-win solutions
05 Model lsquoIrsquo statements ldquoI feel hellipBecause I wantneed hellip And I observed that hellip eg I feel worried because I want to get there on time and I see that you arenrsquot ready to leave yet so please put on your shoesrdquo
06 Model pro social behaviour
mdash Dr Laura Markham Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life (2015)
and alsoRead Dr Laurarsquos blog ldquoWhy punishment doesnrsquot teach your child accountabilityrdquo for more on punishment
Read her ldquoWhatrsquos Wrong With Timeoutsrdquo blog to find out why time outs are also not a great response to sibling conflicts
And her Siblings 101 blog has some fantastic tips for turning sibling rivalry around
You can find all of Dr Laura Markhamrsquos helpful blogs and her two Peaceful Parent books at wwwahaparentingcom
Your new role is as an interpreter mdash which is technically emotional coaching
And a few notes on some other dilemmas for anyone raising or working with childrenhellip
Telling liesEveryone tells lies
Some children are often frightened into telling lies
Explain the difference between black lies and white lies
Spend time honouring the truth
Read picture books about honesty ndash Franklin Fibs Aesoprsquos Fables Pig the Pug Fibber
I have done a video blog about when children tell lies so take a few minutes to watch that to hear my suggestions
Watch Telling Lies Blog
You might also be interested in this very interesting article talking about research that suggests children who are subjected to punitive methods of discipline are less likely to be honest
Tsunami of Technology ndash Keeping the Balance
The benefits of technology are a given However there are concerns and we need to be aware of those
Concerns to keep in mind
raquo Posture problems
raquo Learning the lsquoplay codersquo
raquo Impact on human communication amp intimacy
raquo Passivity
raquo Sleep issues
raquo Dopamine receptor changes
raquo Short sightedness
raquo Instant entertainment
raquo Language saturation
raquo Creativity
raquo Boredom
raquo Addictive usage
Recommendations
01 As little as possible under 5
02 Never allow screens in bedroom
03 Have excellent remote parental controls on all devices and PCsApples ndash I recommend you take a look at Family Zone
04 Make sure your children are only able to access Kids YouTube
05 Have clear boundaries especially at night
06 Keep in mind the use mdash educational vs entertainment
07 Best use is when there is interaction with others
08 Have a basket for all hand held screens including parentsrsquo around meal times or other together times
09 Check other parentsrsquo boundaries before allowing children to visit ndash be strong
10 Have techno free times for fun
I have a few articles and resources on screens at my common concerns page on screen time httpswwwmaggiedentcomcommon-concernsscreen-time
As a parent or adult caring for children be mindful of Digital Abandonment
Watch my video blog on Digital Abandonment in Modern Families
I am so impressed with the work being done on the digital dilemma for parents by Dr Kristy Goodwin Please take the time to check out her blog and her excellent book Raising Your Child in a Digital World httpdrkristygoodwincom
REFERENCES Dent M (2014) 9 Things A back-to-basics guide to calm common-sense connected parenting birth-8 Murwillumbah NSW Pennington Publications
Dent M (2016) Real Kids in an Unreal World Building resilience amp self-esteem in todayrsquos children Murwillumbah NSW Pennington Publications
Dent M (2003) Saving Our children from Our Chaotic World Teaching children the magic of silence and stillness Dunsborough WA Pennington Publications
Doidge N (2007) The Brain That Changes Itself Stories of personal triumph from the frontiers of brain science New York Viking
Fuller A (2007) Tricky kids Transforming conflict and freeing their potential Sydney Finch Publishing
Goleman D (1996) Emotional Intelligence Why it can matter more than IQ UK Bloomsbury Publishing
Goodwin K (2016) Raising Your Child in a Digital World Sydney Finch Publishing
Grille R (2008) Heart to Heart Parenting Nurturing your childrsquos emotional intelligence from conception to school age Sydney ABC Books
Grille R (2013) Parenting for a Peaceful World (second edition) Asheville NC Vox Cordis Press
Halpern D (2009) Inside the Nudge Unit How small changes can make a big difference UK WHAllen
Janov A (2000) The Biology of Love New York Prometheus Books
Jensen E (2006) Enriching the Brain San Francisco CA Jossey-Bass
Markham L (2015) Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life New York TarcherPerigree
Neufeld G amp Mateacute G (2005) Hold On to Your Kids Why parents need to matter more than peers New York Ballantine Books
Rando L (2010) Caring and Connected Parenting A guide to raising connected children from birth to 4 years CA USA The Spiritual Alliance to Stop Intimate Violence
Shanker S (2016) (with Teresa Barker) Self-Reg How to help your child (and you) break the stress cycle and successfully engage with life Penguin Press
Siegel D J MD amp Bryson T P PhD (2011) The Whole-Brain Child 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your childrsquos developing mind survive everyday parenting struggles and help your family thrive New York Delacorte Press
Sunderland M (2007) The Science of Parenting How todayrsquos brain research can help you raise happy emotionally balanced children New York DK Publishing
Thomas P (2006) Stress in Early Childhood Helping children and their carers ACT Australia Early Childhood Australia
amp some other good readsNaomi Aldort (2005) Raising Our Children Raising Ourselves
Marcy Axness (2012) Parenting for Peace Raising the next generation of peacemakers
All of Steve Biddulphrsquos books Raising Boys Raising Girls The New Manhood The Secret of Happy Childrenhellip
Breacutene Brown (2013) The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting Raising children with courage compassion amp connection Audio CD
Gary Chapman amp Ross Campbell (2012) The 5 Love Languages of Children
Shelley Davidow (2014) Raising Stress-Proof Kids Parenting todayrsquos children in tomorrowrsquos world
Carol Dweck (2012) Mindset The new psychology of success
Tim Gill (2007) No Fear Growing up in a risk averse society
Peter Gray (2013) Free to Learn Why unleashing the instinct to play will make our children happier more self-reliant and better students for life
Jo Jackson King (2010) Raising the Best Possible Child How to navigate parenting myths and bring up confident happy kids
Janet Lansbury (2014) Elevating Child Care A guide to respectful parenting AND No Bad Kids Toddler discipline without shame
Vanessa LaPointe (2015) Discipline Without Damage How to get your kids to behave without messing them up
Pam Leo (2007) Connection Parenting Parenting through connection instead of coercion through love instead of fear wwwConnectionParentingcom
Richard Louv (2005) Last Child in the Woods Saving our children from nature-deficit disorder
Laura Markham (2012) Peaceful Parent Happy Kids how to stop yelling and start connecting
Rachel Macy Stafford (2014) Hands Free Mama and her new book (2017) Only Love Today
Shefali Tsabary (2014) Out of Control Why disciplining your child doesnrsquot work and what will
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
Now we often hear about how stress and especially prolonged distress triggers us to come from our lsquoprimitive brainrsquo ndash so we go into fight flight or freeze mode And this can inhibit our ability to respond from our pre-frontal cortex (which isnrsquot fully formed until wersquore adults) This aspect of our brain which is commonly referred to as our lsquohigherrsquo brain or lsquoexecutive functioningrsquo brain plays a role in managing our emotions planning making decisions deliberating over consequences and guiding our social behaviour and the like
Shanker (2016) writes about how very influential the limbic system in particular the hypothalamus is in regulating everything from our body temperature hunger and thirst heart rate and breathing through to ldquoaspects of hearing speaking mind reading other peoplersquos social and emotional cues parenting and attachment behavioursrdquo
Basically he explains ldquoAll of these different functions are tied to the brainrsquos most primitive response to anything from relatively minor stressors to fullon threats ndash or at least what our limbic system lsquodecidesrsquo is a threat When we can calm that response we begin to bring all of the other self-regulatory processes into syncrdquo
He also refers to new discoveries being made all the time into how being in flightflight mode can switch off certain brain functions including for example how stress impacts on childrenrsquos middle ear muscles and affects their capacity to process speech and hear low-frequency sounds (Shanker 2016)
I am pretty sure that in a moment of conflict a parent would seldom be using low frequency sounds No wonder they canrsquot hear us
I have a video blog on Why boysrsquo behaviour is their language but really this notion applies to all children and as parents and educators we need to be like detectives in looking for clues to determine when a child is stressed and needs support to calm their stress levels
Similar to the symptoms listed above for anxiety stressed children can present in many ways irritable unfocused explosive clingy aggressive quick to anger oppositional overly teary hard to get moving overly sensitivehellip all of these are signs your child may be experiencing a high level of stress
No matter what the triggers for this stress are ndash these children who are often seen as naughty or badly behaved are quite simply not coping with their world The children who are under more stress have less capacity to manage Excess stress drains their energy and then if they meet more challenge that triggers more stress everything can collide together like a perfect storm
I believe that the lsquoschoolificationrsquo of young children is a major contributor to the increase in stress anxiety and a lot of inappropriate behaviour wersquore seeing as many children are struggling to cope
Main sources of stress and anxiety in children raquo Hurried over-scheduled world
raquo Temperaments and personality
raquo Absence of healthy love and attachment
raquo Too much pressure on children to perform
raquo Stressed parents who rush
raquo Not enough calm still quiet solo time
raquo Poor sleep patterns
raquo Too much stimulation from TV toys and adult commands
raquo Not enough consistency and routines
raquo Too much social change or social dislocation
raquo Shaming language
raquo Threats of abuse and violence
raquo Death and loss experiences
An overactive stress response system originating in childhood underlies many mental disorders later in life
raquo Depression
raquo Persistent states of anxiety
raquo Phobias and obsessions
raquo Physical symptoms and illness
raquo Being cut off emotionally
raquo Lethargy and lack of get up and go
raquo Lack of desire and excitement
raquo Lack of spontaneity
Much of the punishment that children receive for poor behaviour can be seen as adding fuel to a smouldering fire Think blaming shaming shouting and hitting ndash these punitive measures are still lingering from the harsh parenting and education practices of the last century especially before the 1970s
If punishment is too harsh a child can simply shut down ndash a serious level of stress survival that can sometimes look like compliance It is actually a sign that the child is highly distressed and can be damaging to your ongoing relationship
The damaging effects of shaming
Shame is the name we give to the overwhelming feeling that we need to crawl under a rock because we see ourselves as unworthy unpleasant unlikeable or reprehensible and because we expect to be judged or rejected accordingly
ldquoShame is like a knife that sharply delineates the limits of love in every culture the warning signal that something we are doing risks us being ostracisedrdquo
mdash Robin Grille Heart to Heart Parenting (2008)
Examples of shaming
raquo Deliberately ignoring a child
raquo Being sarcastic
raquo Walking away as though a child does not exist
raquo Rolling onersquos eyes
raquo Glaring at a child with disgust
raquo Shouting yelling and swearing at a child
We also shame when we say things such as
raquo ldquoYou ought to be ashamed of yourselfrdquo
raquo ldquoYou naughty boyrdquo
raquo ldquoYou are acting like a selfish bratrdquo
raquo ldquoYoursquove been a bad little girlrdquo
raquo ldquoGrow uprdquo
raquo ldquoStop acting like a babyrdquo
raquo ldquoDonrsquot be a sissyrdquo
raquo Girls donrsquot do that sort of thingrdquo
raquo ldquoYoursquore hopelessrdquo
raquo ldquoYoursquore not even tryingrdquo
raquo ldquoWhy canrsquot you be more like your brotherrdquo
raquo What are people going to think
The dynamics of energyUnderpinning this work in self-regulation is the notion that rather than shaming and controlling our children for reacting to stress we can help them learn to self-regulate We do this by supporting them to recognise whatrsquos going on in their bodies and how they can make themselves feel better A lot of this has to do with them (and us) monitoring their energy levels and what might be affecting them
This actually happens from birth Shanker (2016) writes of the ldquointer-brainrdquo which is ldquoa right brain-to-right brain communication channel between the parents and the baby delivered through touch sounds looks and even smellsrdquo
ldquoWe are designed to draw energy from one another and restore energy through one anotherhellip The better we can understand what might be draining a childrsquos energy reserves the better we can tailor our interactions and the choices we make to reduce that strainrdquo
mdash Stuart Shanker Self-Reg (2016)
Further Shanker says most stressors can be broken down to belonging in one of ldquoThe Five Domains of Stress and Self-Regulationrdquo biological emotional cognitive social and pro-social
Each of these domains has various stressors belonging to them and the better we understand those the better we can help to reduce them For example Shanker lists a pro-social stressor as ldquohaving to deal with other peoplersquos strong emotionsrdquo while a biological stressor might be tiredness or a noisy environment We can then look for signs that our child is potentially experiencing one of these stressors (Shanker 2016)
As parents carers and educators by having a greater understanding of these domains ndash stressors can come from more than one at a time ndash we can identify when children are experiencing issues in the various domains and adjust things to reduce the stress
More on self-regulationhellipThrough his work with The Mehrit Centre Dr Stuart Shanker has provided a wealth of excellent free resources on his website for teachers and parents and I would encourage everyone to not only read his new book Self-Reg but to spend some time browsing the site reading about these methods in more detail and using some of the tools provided at home or in your centreclassroom httpsself-regcaself-reg
In particular you may find these infographics helpful
Understanding Stress Behaviour for Parents Understanding Stress Behaviour for Teachers The Five Steps to Self-Regulation (The Shanker Methodtrade)
Becoming a CSI Detective We have to remember that in all interactions with our children maintaining a warm relationship needs to be first priority
Patterns habits routines and structure make the world more predictable and less startling for children I write about why healthy boundaries matter in my 10 resilience building blocks for an important reason
The better a baby and young children can recognise predictable patterns the less frightening and more engaging the world becomes Babies constantly look and listen for patterns all around them With pattern recognition comes the ability to know what yoursquore feeling and to act in an intentional way in your environment ndash it helps all of us anticipate what will happen next without becoming frightened about the uncertainty of the world
Chaos and rigidity are the two most confronting things that can impact our little onersquos lives Having routines and consistency makes the world safer for them and so they are not wasting vital energy figuring out if they are safe or not Always having to focus on survival denies children the capacity to interact in a curious way with the world Children quickly flip to survival brain because their pre frontal cortex is too immature and they will struggle when they donrsquot
understand what they are experiencing or why people are behaving the way they are or when this is too much for them Confusion and uncertainty are the opposite of having patterns and routines
The stronger a child is attached to key caregivers and the more attuned these caregivers are the better the child will navigate the uncertainties they will meet ndash moment by moment This means they will have more energy to explore and seek new things Yes it does take hours and hours of connected interaction to build these predictable pathways ndash this is called scaffolding and is essential to all learning Scaffolding is respectful to our young children because it values the input of the child first rather than something we do with a child
Acknowledging kids positively raquo Smile at them
raquo Wink at them
raquo Say hello using their name
raquo Say ldquoIrsquom glad to see yourdquo
raquo Suggest ldquoLetrsquos go play togetherrdquo
raquo Ask them to show you how to do a puzzle
raquo Give them a pat on the head back
raquo Hug them if appropriate
raquo Ask about their favourite toy
raquo Play a hand or clapping game with them
raquo Hold their hand
raquo Say things like
bull ldquoThank you for helping me clean up the toysrdquo
bull ldquoI noticed you washing your hands after going to the toiletrdquo
bull ldquoI know how hard it is to be patient when you play with othersrdquo
bull ldquoI noticed you using your quiet voice mdash well donerdquo
raquo Sing songs with them especially their favourite ones
raquo Cuddle up and watch ABC Kids with them
raquo Pretend to be an animal
raquo Call them up and say hello
raquo Make them laugh
Communicating compassionately with our children
Communication seems such a simple thing to do however poor communication is one of the key factors underlying conflict in our families We simply misunderstand each other
Being heard
Here are some phrases you might use that let your child know you are really hearing him or her
raquo ldquoLet me put this down so I can give you my full attentionrdquo
raquo ldquoWait a second while I turn off the TVradiocomputer so I can really hear yourdquo
raquo ldquoLetrsquos have some time together nowrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat would you like to do when we have our time together tomorrow afternoonrdquo
raquo ldquoSo what you mean isrdquo
raquo ldquoTell me more about thisrdquo
raquo ldquoIn other wordsrdquo
raquo ldquoLet me see if I understand you so farrdquo
raquo ldquoThat must have beenfor yourdquo
raquo ldquoAre you open to some feedback from merdquo
raquo ldquoNow thatrsquos interestingrdquo
raquo ldquoDoes that feel fair to yourdquo
raquo ldquoTell me what you were hoping to dordquo
raquo ldquoHow can we make this betterrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat do you think needs to happen nowrdquo
raquo ldquoSounds like youwe have a problemrdquo
raquo ldquoWhose problem is thisrdquo
raquo ldquoDoes that feel kind to yourdquo
raquo ldquoThere is a problem here How can I help you to sort it outrdquo
raquo ldquoCheck it out inside Does it feel rightrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat were you trying to do hererdquo
raquo ldquoDo you need my help right now to sort out what is happeningrdquo
raquo ldquoI know you can handle itrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat would you like to do nowrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat would a good friend do nowrdquo
raquo ldquoI noticed thatrdquo
raquo ldquoHaving a go is important mdash we canrsquot all win
Some secrets of positive parental communication
raquo Distraction
raquo Respectful caring requests
raquo Saying ldquoYes mdash Afterrdquo
raquo ldquoItrsquos just the right thing to dordquo
raquo Really listening
raquo Calm down time
Four steps to nurturing the inner genius in your child
1 Pause and become present
2 Ask ldquoDid you do that all by yourselfrdquo
3 Explain why the choice is one you would prefer they didnrsquot make again
4 Have them clean up the mess
Creating a family solution-seeking processldquo90 of childhood misbehaviour is the result of the developmental journeyrdquo
ndash Dr Gordon Neufeld Hold On to Your Kids (2005)
Essentially this means that childrenrsquos behaviour when it does not meet our expectations is not so much wrong or bad it is mainly children being children with a childrsquos mind and depth of experience If a childrsquos behaviour is inconvenient to us as an adult it too is not bad or wrong it is merely a normal part of the developmental journey of growing from child to adult Next time yoursquore frustrated and angry about your childrsquos behaviour pause take a deep breath and see if you can view that behaviour through the eyes of a child
One more thing is consider what we say to ourselves in our mind I so often hear the term lsquoattention seekingrsquo when talking about inappropriate behaviour in children If we could reframe that to ndash lsquolove seeking or connection seekingrsquo our response will be different
Family meetings are a wonderful way to resolve issues affirm values and rules and to connect Read my article on 10 Top Tips for a Successful Family Meeting
More on childrenrsquos anxietyRobin Grille in his book Heart to Heart Parenting (2008) outlines some of the things that are going on in a babyrsquos consciousness that I think are very helpful for is to keep in mind
raquo Babies feel everything far more intensely than do adults
raquo Babies cannot lie put on an act or pretend like older children What you see is what you get mdash complete emotional honesty
raquo Babies cannot plan or think ahead mdash all they do is to react
raquo Babies are incapable of influencing or manipulating anyone
raquo Babies do not understand time
raquo Babies have very little ability to soothe themselves
raquo Babies have no strong defences against pain or sorrow as they do not yet have the fight or flight response
raquo If babies learn that reaching out is rewarding they will become strong communicators able to connect with people more effectively
ldquoLow serotonin levels are a key component in many forms of aggression and violent behaviour Opiods are vital to diminish feelings of fear and stress so deactivation of opiods in parts of the brain leads to increases in negative feelings and stress and decreases in positive feelingsrdquo
mdash Margot Sunderland The Science of Parenting (2007)
Distress (chronic stress)
01 Halves neuron development
02 Reduces effectiveness of the dendrites
03 Reduces brain to lsquosurvivalrsquo mode rather than upper cognitive processing
04 Reduces blood supply to the brain
05 Stimulates emotional meltdowns
06 Impedes immune system
What happens to the body when it enters lsquoflight or fightrsquo state (Distress)
raquo Breathing becomes shallow
raquo The heart rate increases
raquo Blood pressure rises
raquo Adrenaline and cortisol hormones are released into the blood
raquo The senses are heightened
raquo The liver releases stored sugar into the blood
raquo Muscles tense and tighten
raquo Blood flow increases to the brain and major muscles and is constricted to the extremities
mdash Patrice Thomas Stress in Early Childhood (2006)
Calming our children ndash strategies Now that we have looked at many of the symptoms and causes of stress and anxiety I want to focus on ways to help calm our children and our homes classrooms and early years centres This first thing to bear in mind is
ldquoHappy Calm Children Learn Bestrdquo
mdash Daniel Goleman
This quote is so truehellip our children need to be happy and calm to learn at school and at home If they are stressed all their energy and enthusiasm will be diverted to dealing with that stress So letrsquos look at how to support them with this
Herersquos a summary of some of my resources to help your children with anxiety
ArticlesThe Importance of a Go-Slow Childhood 10 Tips to Ease Separation Distress The Invisible Enemy of Anxiety Childhood Stress
AudiosI have several audios to help with anxiety
SafeNSound and Sleepytime are for under 10s and are free from my website
My latest download for anxious children is called Soothing the Frightened Butterflies which costs $5 as a download This can really help build coping and calming strategies for anxious kids
Managing our own stress especially for busy mums is important and that may mean joining a class or group to try yoga tai chi meditation or mindfulness activities or sound relaxation mdash or you can do any of these things when you have some free time in your own home Try my free Moonlight Relaxation for Mums (and mother figures)
Soothing calming and relaxationThe opposite of stress and distress is calmness and feeling relaxed If a child clings to you she is trying to bring down a high body arousal level and high levels of stress chemicals She is trying to activate the positive brain chemicals that activate feelings of wellbeing Research shows that children who have been soothed quickly and frequently tend to become self-soothers and manage stress better (Sunderland 2007) Due to the neuroplasticity of the human brain calmness can be learned at any stage of life
Top tips for soothing Key ways to trigger oxytocin mdash the love neurotransmitter
01 Calm adults
02 Touch and massage mdash especially lsquotickle pointrsquo (high on back mdash stroke gently) Works with children of any age
03 Rocking
04 Sucking
05 Physical comforters mdash soft toys dummies blankets
06 Warmth approx 21 degrees C mdash (or cooling if child has a temperature)
07 Low soothing sounds familiar songs
08 Bathing in warm bath
09 Novelty mdash laughter
10 Avoid overstimulation especially loud voices noises too much chaos and too much change
My top three tips for parents to soothe our childrenrsquos worlds mdash The three lsquoSrsquos
01 Slow down mdash walk slower talk slower do less and allow an extra 15 minutes than you think you need to get children ready for a scheduled event like going to school Ask what you can take out of your life so that you can be a calmer parent especially in the early years mdash avoid wearing too many hats when your children are young
02 Soothe more mdash remember that brain chemicals flood our childrenrsquos brains quite irrationally and chaotically Reassure children that they are valued safe and that mistakes and accidents are normal
03 Create safety mdash is your home child friendly Can your children relax sometimes without being stressed to have your home looking like itrsquos a feature house in a House and Garden magazine Is there somewhere for introverted children to hide from people and the world to fill their energy cup
Parent tips for reducing stress in children
raquo Children benefit from calm quiet spaces in their world
raquo Avoid being rushed and hurried
raquo Use quiet voices with gentle tones
raquo Have regular quiet times in your home when all electronic stuff is turned off
raquo Allow children time just lsquoto bersquo and not always be busy
raquo Children sense their parentsrsquo stress and react to it mdash so reduce your stress
raquo Ensure children have good night sleep patterns
raquo Calmness can be learned mdash do a relaxation activity with them
raquo Avoid too much noise and visual stimulation in homes
raquo Avoid too much exposure to TVs computers smart phones and other electronic games and devices
raquo Create safe home environments with boundaries and routines
raquo Avoid too much significant change in childrenrsquos lives
raquo Avoid pressuring your children
raquo Soothing and reassuring children triggers oxytocin and calms children
mdash Maggie Dent Real Kids in an Unreal World (2nd edition 2016)
How to calm an overloaded nervous system in our homes centres amp classrooms
raquo Calm grown ups
raquo Routines and habits
raquo Silent sound signals
raquo Movement amp relaxation
raquo Calming music
raquo Mindfulness
raquo Low vocal tones
raquo Absorbed play
raquo Quiet corner bean bag
raquo Thinking time
raquo Regular quiet times
raquo Calming audio visualisations
raquo Laughter and lightness
raquo Plenty of nature time
Tips for soothing separation distress
Separation distress or anxiety is very common among children and Sunderland believes this distress can influence children even as old as eight
The changes of environment people routines and the number of other children they are interacting with can all cause spikes in cortisol creating those stress symptoms you might see mdash crying clinging tummy aches refusal to leave your side poor appetite restless sleep and even outbursts and tantrums
Remember this means the lsquodownstairs brainrsquo is registering threat mdash and is acting accordingly Remember too that the key stressor for children is separation from the most significant grownup who is their protector
As a starting point it is useful to explain to kids that new things places and people often make even adults feel those same feelings of being a little unsettled or anxious
Young children usually have strong imaginations and I have found that some small techniques that strengthen the connection to Mum or Dad while they are away from you can help lots
I have shared some of my strategies for dealing with separation anxiety in my article 10 Tips to Ease Separation Distress
Safe touchWhy is safe touch so important in caring relationships
Clinical studies at the American Academy of Paediatrics found that touch therapy helped premature newborn babies to gain weight It also improved asthmatic childrenrsquos breathing assisted in balancing glucose levels for diabetic children and lowered stress levels improving the immune system Researcher Tiffany Field PhD from the Touch Research Institute at the University of Miami believes that ldquotouch is as important to infants and children as eating and sleepingrdquo
Soothing touch triggers positive brain chemicals especially serotonin which quite literally soothes the nervous system of the whole child Other ways to soothe include rocking soothing calm sounds from a safe adult and listening to familiar songs or nursery rhymes
We do need to seriously reconsider the fear-driven perception we have around the safe touch of students A retired principal once told me that a lawyer had spoken to him about the legal perspective of being sued for inappropriate touching You can only be pursued legally if you have touched someone without their approval or consent This did not have to be verbal consent tacit approval was sufficient What this means is that when a child falls over or hurts his or herself and comes running with arms up for a hug we have their tacit approval Common-sense needs to prevail
What needs to happen in our homes and schools to ensure that our children know what safe touch entails is that we must educate our children around body safety and awareness No longer can we hope that a significant grown-up has given them some guidance In our highly sexualised world where explicit images and pornography can be found without even looking for them we must give our children the tools to be able to understand where touch is no longer safe for themselves or for others
How can we build more safe touch in our homes
01 If your young children find their way to your bed in the middle of the night because theyrsquore frightened welcome them immediately If you find it difficult to sleep with a squirming wriggling little one in your bed it is completely okay for one of the grown-ups to go and sleep in their bed (especially if your little one wonrsquot settle back into their bed) The important thing is to soothe the fear or the need to be close first One day you will miss the fact that they no longer turn up for a nightly snuggle
02 Be mindful of gentle touching your children more often ndash a gentle hand on the shoulder holding their hands ruffling their hair non-annoying tickling sitting really closely on the couch being really close when you read stories picking them up and holding them close in a hug secret handshakes and high fives all keep physical intimacy alive and well
03 Help your children to create a list of people they feel are safe to allow them to touch them respectfully We still need to be mindful that even the people in this safe circle need to be respectful of when children give their tacit approval to be held or touched My beautiful two-year-old granddaughter can be slow to warm when we first reconnect and I will always offer her a loving verbal greeting however with no pressure for her to respond equally She is just two and has a long way to go to understand the nuances of human interaction particularly communication Adolescents struggle in a similar way and again it is not a sign of disrespect ndash although it is often seen as that ndash or a sign that they donrsquot care for the people who are trying to communicate to them They also improve with continued growth of the prefrontal cortex
04 Each child will have a certain preference around safe touch Personal space is different for us all Some of our children particularly those with sensory processing disorder (SPD) or who are on the spectrum prefer not to be touched at all Some prefer very vigorous rugby style hugs others non-verbal gestures like a smile a wink or even a gentle nod of your head in their direction Some like to sit all over us ndash and often Some might like a gentle head massage or even a back tickle It can be really helpful when we follow their preferences and we are able to meet that hunger for safe touch
05 There is a special spot high up on the back below the neck (between the shoulders) that is particularly sensitive when touched in a gentle and slow way It has been called the tickle spot
It is a bit like an accelerator button that can trigger serotonin which is a calming brain chemical Sometimes in situations where we can see our children struggling gently stroking this spot can actually help them calm down and feel soothed I have used this spot often in the queue in shopping centres when my lads were starting to get restless
06 The calmer our children are the more receptive they will be to being touched in a loving way Sometimes when they are really stressed and could benefit from loving safe touch they reject it or push it away
07 It can be helpful having a conversation with those who are in your close parenting circle of family or friends about safe touch Tell those who you trust that you encourage safe touch I remember one of my sonrsquos best friends who was dealing with the sudden death of his dad telling my son that my hugs were all soft and squishy and they felt good Personally it took me a long time to be comfortable with other people touching me in a caring way and Irsquom a firm believer in the power of a good hug when itrsquos welcome
08 Sometimes being held with love by a trusted person can say more than any words
Dr Arthur Janov author of The Biology of Love (2000) argues that the absence of loving care early in life causes increased levels of stress for a person The result of this deprivation is high levels of cortisol that change the structure of the brain Brain scans taken of extremely violent young men show huge spaces in the pre-frontal lobe
It only takes one genuinely trustworthy person to use safe touch to reframe how a child sees the world and to reshape how their brains perceive safety and tenderness Our world needs more love kindness and gentleness right now and so let the conversation begin
Sibling conflict a normal part of family lifeldquoThere is no way around it Sibling rivalry is universal After all every human is genetically programmed to protect resources that will help him survive and your children depend on and compete for what are in fact precious resources mdash your time and attention
I found that parenting gets a lot easier when we as parents can do 3 very hard things
1 Regulate our emotions
2 Stay connected with our child even when wersquore setting limits or the child is upset
3 Coach instead of controlling by fostering emotional intelligence guiding with empathetic limits instead of punishment and supporting masteryrdquo
mdash Dr Laura Markham Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life (2015)
Sibling rivalry is indeed one of lifersquos great teachers Indeed it helps us learn how to get along with others It also helps put a bit more sensitivity into our feisty lsquoroosterrsquo children and a bit more lsquoroosterrsquo into our sensitive lambs when parenting children of different temperaments
I have written an article about sibling rivalry that offers more detail on where it comes from rivalry between roosters and lambs and how to manage it and how to turn aggression into awareness Read my article on sibling rivalry
How not to deal with sibling rivalryhellip
According to Dr Laura if we punish or are too permissive with our children around their fighting it only creates more fighting The reason for this is because if we are not demonstrating kindness and fairness to solve the issue our kids will model the same approach Your child will handle conflict the way you show them (Markham 2015)
Our children donrsquot learn to be empathetic compassionate human beings by being punished for sibling rivalry Instead they learn to do things simply to avoid punishment not to be intrinsically caring They donrsquot learn self-discipline (remember the Three Family Rules I wrote about earlier) they learn to use power over each other and it can make them fearful and more likely to be angry and depressed (Markham 2015)
Included in this notion of punishment are lsquotimeoutsrsquo Dr Laura and I are on the same page when it comes to thishellip timeouts can be another way of shaming our kids and disconnecting from the
When my four lads got into conflict I found a much better solution was to send them all outside together for five minutes for ldquoa change of sceneryrdquo Invariably after five minutes they wouldnrsquot bother coming back in because being outside had shifted their mood and they got caught up in a new game
So what does help
The key is to help siblings see the world through their siblingrsquos eyes ndash to show why something is not fair or may be unkind or just plain wrong
My suggestions
raquo Stay calm
raquo Ensure safety of all
raquo Make sense of what is happening
raquo Re-connect to family rules
raquo Avoid making quick judgements
raquo Allow calm down time while being nearby
raquo Connect with all parties in a warm way AFTERWARDS
OR Use a nudge
ldquoA nudge is essentially a means of encouraging or guiding behaviour but without mandating or instructing and ideally without the need for heavy financial incentives or sanctions Sometimes behaviour changes with a surprisingly light touchrdquo
mdash David Halpern Inside the Nudge Unit How small changes can make a big difference (2015)
Basically a nudge is a bit of gentle positive persuasion ndash hints suggestions helpful comments hellip
If you reduce friction a nudge can be a potent way of clearing the path to make it easy for people to do something that they probably already intended to do but had not got around to it
01 Unexpected small reward in private
02 A quiet thank you and a positive touch moment in private
03 Positive noticing
04 Mention good conflict solving at family meeting
05 Let kids hear you tell someone else how great they have been
06 Tell your kids they are smart and can work out ways to sort out conflict themselves
07 Change location when things get a bit lsquoouchyrsquo in a calm and warm way
08 Use lightness and novelty
09 Inspirational images around the house reminding everyone within that lsquolove lives herersquo and reflecting your familyrsquos values
Tips from Dr Laura01 Talk about feelings
02 Ask questions about feelings needs wants and choices
03 Explain and model ndash expect to repeat yourself
04 Practice finding win-win solutions
05 Model lsquoIrsquo statements ldquoI feel hellipBecause I wantneed hellip And I observed that hellip eg I feel worried because I want to get there on time and I see that you arenrsquot ready to leave yet so please put on your shoesrdquo
06 Model pro social behaviour
mdash Dr Laura Markham Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life (2015)
and alsoRead Dr Laurarsquos blog ldquoWhy punishment doesnrsquot teach your child accountabilityrdquo for more on punishment
Read her ldquoWhatrsquos Wrong With Timeoutsrdquo blog to find out why time outs are also not a great response to sibling conflicts
And her Siblings 101 blog has some fantastic tips for turning sibling rivalry around
You can find all of Dr Laura Markhamrsquos helpful blogs and her two Peaceful Parent books at wwwahaparentingcom
Your new role is as an interpreter mdash which is technically emotional coaching
And a few notes on some other dilemmas for anyone raising or working with childrenhellip
Telling liesEveryone tells lies
Some children are often frightened into telling lies
Explain the difference between black lies and white lies
Spend time honouring the truth
Read picture books about honesty ndash Franklin Fibs Aesoprsquos Fables Pig the Pug Fibber
I have done a video blog about when children tell lies so take a few minutes to watch that to hear my suggestions
Watch Telling Lies Blog
You might also be interested in this very interesting article talking about research that suggests children who are subjected to punitive methods of discipline are less likely to be honest
Tsunami of Technology ndash Keeping the Balance
The benefits of technology are a given However there are concerns and we need to be aware of those
Concerns to keep in mind
raquo Posture problems
raquo Learning the lsquoplay codersquo
raquo Impact on human communication amp intimacy
raquo Passivity
raquo Sleep issues
raquo Dopamine receptor changes
raquo Short sightedness
raquo Instant entertainment
raquo Language saturation
raquo Creativity
raquo Boredom
raquo Addictive usage
Recommendations
01 As little as possible under 5
02 Never allow screens in bedroom
03 Have excellent remote parental controls on all devices and PCsApples ndash I recommend you take a look at Family Zone
04 Make sure your children are only able to access Kids YouTube
05 Have clear boundaries especially at night
06 Keep in mind the use mdash educational vs entertainment
07 Best use is when there is interaction with others
08 Have a basket for all hand held screens including parentsrsquo around meal times or other together times
09 Check other parentsrsquo boundaries before allowing children to visit ndash be strong
10 Have techno free times for fun
I have a few articles and resources on screens at my common concerns page on screen time httpswwwmaggiedentcomcommon-concernsscreen-time
As a parent or adult caring for children be mindful of Digital Abandonment
Watch my video blog on Digital Abandonment in Modern Families
I am so impressed with the work being done on the digital dilemma for parents by Dr Kristy Goodwin Please take the time to check out her blog and her excellent book Raising Your Child in a Digital World httpdrkristygoodwincom
REFERENCES Dent M (2014) 9 Things A back-to-basics guide to calm common-sense connected parenting birth-8 Murwillumbah NSW Pennington Publications
Dent M (2016) Real Kids in an Unreal World Building resilience amp self-esteem in todayrsquos children Murwillumbah NSW Pennington Publications
Dent M (2003) Saving Our children from Our Chaotic World Teaching children the magic of silence and stillness Dunsborough WA Pennington Publications
Doidge N (2007) The Brain That Changes Itself Stories of personal triumph from the frontiers of brain science New York Viking
Fuller A (2007) Tricky kids Transforming conflict and freeing their potential Sydney Finch Publishing
Goleman D (1996) Emotional Intelligence Why it can matter more than IQ UK Bloomsbury Publishing
Goodwin K (2016) Raising Your Child in a Digital World Sydney Finch Publishing
Grille R (2008) Heart to Heart Parenting Nurturing your childrsquos emotional intelligence from conception to school age Sydney ABC Books
Grille R (2013) Parenting for a Peaceful World (second edition) Asheville NC Vox Cordis Press
Halpern D (2009) Inside the Nudge Unit How small changes can make a big difference UK WHAllen
Janov A (2000) The Biology of Love New York Prometheus Books
Jensen E (2006) Enriching the Brain San Francisco CA Jossey-Bass
Markham L (2015) Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life New York TarcherPerigree
Neufeld G amp Mateacute G (2005) Hold On to Your Kids Why parents need to matter more than peers New York Ballantine Books
Rando L (2010) Caring and Connected Parenting A guide to raising connected children from birth to 4 years CA USA The Spiritual Alliance to Stop Intimate Violence
Shanker S (2016) (with Teresa Barker) Self-Reg How to help your child (and you) break the stress cycle and successfully engage with life Penguin Press
Siegel D J MD amp Bryson T P PhD (2011) The Whole-Brain Child 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your childrsquos developing mind survive everyday parenting struggles and help your family thrive New York Delacorte Press
Sunderland M (2007) The Science of Parenting How todayrsquos brain research can help you raise happy emotionally balanced children New York DK Publishing
Thomas P (2006) Stress in Early Childhood Helping children and their carers ACT Australia Early Childhood Australia
amp some other good readsNaomi Aldort (2005) Raising Our Children Raising Ourselves
Marcy Axness (2012) Parenting for Peace Raising the next generation of peacemakers
All of Steve Biddulphrsquos books Raising Boys Raising Girls The New Manhood The Secret of Happy Childrenhellip
Breacutene Brown (2013) The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting Raising children with courage compassion amp connection Audio CD
Gary Chapman amp Ross Campbell (2012) The 5 Love Languages of Children
Shelley Davidow (2014) Raising Stress-Proof Kids Parenting todayrsquos children in tomorrowrsquos world
Carol Dweck (2012) Mindset The new psychology of success
Tim Gill (2007) No Fear Growing up in a risk averse society
Peter Gray (2013) Free to Learn Why unleashing the instinct to play will make our children happier more self-reliant and better students for life
Jo Jackson King (2010) Raising the Best Possible Child How to navigate parenting myths and bring up confident happy kids
Janet Lansbury (2014) Elevating Child Care A guide to respectful parenting AND No Bad Kids Toddler discipline without shame
Vanessa LaPointe (2015) Discipline Without Damage How to get your kids to behave without messing them up
Pam Leo (2007) Connection Parenting Parenting through connection instead of coercion through love instead of fear wwwConnectionParentingcom
Richard Louv (2005) Last Child in the Woods Saving our children from nature-deficit disorder
Laura Markham (2012) Peaceful Parent Happy Kids how to stop yelling and start connecting
Rachel Macy Stafford (2014) Hands Free Mama and her new book (2017) Only Love Today
Shefali Tsabary (2014) Out of Control Why disciplining your child doesnrsquot work and what will
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
Main sources of stress and anxiety in children raquo Hurried over-scheduled world
raquo Temperaments and personality
raquo Absence of healthy love and attachment
raquo Too much pressure on children to perform
raquo Stressed parents who rush
raquo Not enough calm still quiet solo time
raquo Poor sleep patterns
raquo Too much stimulation from TV toys and adult commands
raquo Not enough consistency and routines
raquo Too much social change or social dislocation
raquo Shaming language
raquo Threats of abuse and violence
raquo Death and loss experiences
An overactive stress response system originating in childhood underlies many mental disorders later in life
raquo Depression
raquo Persistent states of anxiety
raquo Phobias and obsessions
raquo Physical symptoms and illness
raquo Being cut off emotionally
raquo Lethargy and lack of get up and go
raquo Lack of desire and excitement
raquo Lack of spontaneity
Much of the punishment that children receive for poor behaviour can be seen as adding fuel to a smouldering fire Think blaming shaming shouting and hitting ndash these punitive measures are still lingering from the harsh parenting and education practices of the last century especially before the 1970s
If punishment is too harsh a child can simply shut down ndash a serious level of stress survival that can sometimes look like compliance It is actually a sign that the child is highly distressed and can be damaging to your ongoing relationship
The damaging effects of shaming
Shame is the name we give to the overwhelming feeling that we need to crawl under a rock because we see ourselves as unworthy unpleasant unlikeable or reprehensible and because we expect to be judged or rejected accordingly
ldquoShame is like a knife that sharply delineates the limits of love in every culture the warning signal that something we are doing risks us being ostracisedrdquo
mdash Robin Grille Heart to Heart Parenting (2008)
Examples of shaming
raquo Deliberately ignoring a child
raquo Being sarcastic
raquo Walking away as though a child does not exist
raquo Rolling onersquos eyes
raquo Glaring at a child with disgust
raquo Shouting yelling and swearing at a child
We also shame when we say things such as
raquo ldquoYou ought to be ashamed of yourselfrdquo
raquo ldquoYou naughty boyrdquo
raquo ldquoYou are acting like a selfish bratrdquo
raquo ldquoYoursquove been a bad little girlrdquo
raquo ldquoGrow uprdquo
raquo ldquoStop acting like a babyrdquo
raquo ldquoDonrsquot be a sissyrdquo
raquo Girls donrsquot do that sort of thingrdquo
raquo ldquoYoursquore hopelessrdquo
raquo ldquoYoursquore not even tryingrdquo
raquo ldquoWhy canrsquot you be more like your brotherrdquo
raquo What are people going to think
The dynamics of energyUnderpinning this work in self-regulation is the notion that rather than shaming and controlling our children for reacting to stress we can help them learn to self-regulate We do this by supporting them to recognise whatrsquos going on in their bodies and how they can make themselves feel better A lot of this has to do with them (and us) monitoring their energy levels and what might be affecting them
This actually happens from birth Shanker (2016) writes of the ldquointer-brainrdquo which is ldquoa right brain-to-right brain communication channel between the parents and the baby delivered through touch sounds looks and even smellsrdquo
ldquoWe are designed to draw energy from one another and restore energy through one anotherhellip The better we can understand what might be draining a childrsquos energy reserves the better we can tailor our interactions and the choices we make to reduce that strainrdquo
mdash Stuart Shanker Self-Reg (2016)
Further Shanker says most stressors can be broken down to belonging in one of ldquoThe Five Domains of Stress and Self-Regulationrdquo biological emotional cognitive social and pro-social
Each of these domains has various stressors belonging to them and the better we understand those the better we can help to reduce them For example Shanker lists a pro-social stressor as ldquohaving to deal with other peoplersquos strong emotionsrdquo while a biological stressor might be tiredness or a noisy environment We can then look for signs that our child is potentially experiencing one of these stressors (Shanker 2016)
As parents carers and educators by having a greater understanding of these domains ndash stressors can come from more than one at a time ndash we can identify when children are experiencing issues in the various domains and adjust things to reduce the stress
More on self-regulationhellipThrough his work with The Mehrit Centre Dr Stuart Shanker has provided a wealth of excellent free resources on his website for teachers and parents and I would encourage everyone to not only read his new book Self-Reg but to spend some time browsing the site reading about these methods in more detail and using some of the tools provided at home or in your centreclassroom httpsself-regcaself-reg
In particular you may find these infographics helpful
Understanding Stress Behaviour for Parents Understanding Stress Behaviour for Teachers The Five Steps to Self-Regulation (The Shanker Methodtrade)
Becoming a CSI Detective We have to remember that in all interactions with our children maintaining a warm relationship needs to be first priority
Patterns habits routines and structure make the world more predictable and less startling for children I write about why healthy boundaries matter in my 10 resilience building blocks for an important reason
The better a baby and young children can recognise predictable patterns the less frightening and more engaging the world becomes Babies constantly look and listen for patterns all around them With pattern recognition comes the ability to know what yoursquore feeling and to act in an intentional way in your environment ndash it helps all of us anticipate what will happen next without becoming frightened about the uncertainty of the world
Chaos and rigidity are the two most confronting things that can impact our little onersquos lives Having routines and consistency makes the world safer for them and so they are not wasting vital energy figuring out if they are safe or not Always having to focus on survival denies children the capacity to interact in a curious way with the world Children quickly flip to survival brain because their pre frontal cortex is too immature and they will struggle when they donrsquot
understand what they are experiencing or why people are behaving the way they are or when this is too much for them Confusion and uncertainty are the opposite of having patterns and routines
The stronger a child is attached to key caregivers and the more attuned these caregivers are the better the child will navigate the uncertainties they will meet ndash moment by moment This means they will have more energy to explore and seek new things Yes it does take hours and hours of connected interaction to build these predictable pathways ndash this is called scaffolding and is essential to all learning Scaffolding is respectful to our young children because it values the input of the child first rather than something we do with a child
Acknowledging kids positively raquo Smile at them
raquo Wink at them
raquo Say hello using their name
raquo Say ldquoIrsquom glad to see yourdquo
raquo Suggest ldquoLetrsquos go play togetherrdquo
raquo Ask them to show you how to do a puzzle
raquo Give them a pat on the head back
raquo Hug them if appropriate
raquo Ask about their favourite toy
raquo Play a hand or clapping game with them
raquo Hold their hand
raquo Say things like
bull ldquoThank you for helping me clean up the toysrdquo
bull ldquoI noticed you washing your hands after going to the toiletrdquo
bull ldquoI know how hard it is to be patient when you play with othersrdquo
bull ldquoI noticed you using your quiet voice mdash well donerdquo
raquo Sing songs with them especially their favourite ones
raquo Cuddle up and watch ABC Kids with them
raquo Pretend to be an animal
raquo Call them up and say hello
raquo Make them laugh
Communicating compassionately with our children
Communication seems such a simple thing to do however poor communication is one of the key factors underlying conflict in our families We simply misunderstand each other
Being heard
Here are some phrases you might use that let your child know you are really hearing him or her
raquo ldquoLet me put this down so I can give you my full attentionrdquo
raquo ldquoWait a second while I turn off the TVradiocomputer so I can really hear yourdquo
raquo ldquoLetrsquos have some time together nowrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat would you like to do when we have our time together tomorrow afternoonrdquo
raquo ldquoSo what you mean isrdquo
raquo ldquoTell me more about thisrdquo
raquo ldquoIn other wordsrdquo
raquo ldquoLet me see if I understand you so farrdquo
raquo ldquoThat must have beenfor yourdquo
raquo ldquoAre you open to some feedback from merdquo
raquo ldquoNow thatrsquos interestingrdquo
raquo ldquoDoes that feel fair to yourdquo
raquo ldquoTell me what you were hoping to dordquo
raquo ldquoHow can we make this betterrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat do you think needs to happen nowrdquo
raquo ldquoSounds like youwe have a problemrdquo
raquo ldquoWhose problem is thisrdquo
raquo ldquoDoes that feel kind to yourdquo
raquo ldquoThere is a problem here How can I help you to sort it outrdquo
raquo ldquoCheck it out inside Does it feel rightrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat were you trying to do hererdquo
raquo ldquoDo you need my help right now to sort out what is happeningrdquo
raquo ldquoI know you can handle itrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat would you like to do nowrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat would a good friend do nowrdquo
raquo ldquoI noticed thatrdquo
raquo ldquoHaving a go is important mdash we canrsquot all win
Some secrets of positive parental communication
raquo Distraction
raquo Respectful caring requests
raquo Saying ldquoYes mdash Afterrdquo
raquo ldquoItrsquos just the right thing to dordquo
raquo Really listening
raquo Calm down time
Four steps to nurturing the inner genius in your child
1 Pause and become present
2 Ask ldquoDid you do that all by yourselfrdquo
3 Explain why the choice is one you would prefer they didnrsquot make again
4 Have them clean up the mess
Creating a family solution-seeking processldquo90 of childhood misbehaviour is the result of the developmental journeyrdquo
ndash Dr Gordon Neufeld Hold On to Your Kids (2005)
Essentially this means that childrenrsquos behaviour when it does not meet our expectations is not so much wrong or bad it is mainly children being children with a childrsquos mind and depth of experience If a childrsquos behaviour is inconvenient to us as an adult it too is not bad or wrong it is merely a normal part of the developmental journey of growing from child to adult Next time yoursquore frustrated and angry about your childrsquos behaviour pause take a deep breath and see if you can view that behaviour through the eyes of a child
One more thing is consider what we say to ourselves in our mind I so often hear the term lsquoattention seekingrsquo when talking about inappropriate behaviour in children If we could reframe that to ndash lsquolove seeking or connection seekingrsquo our response will be different
Family meetings are a wonderful way to resolve issues affirm values and rules and to connect Read my article on 10 Top Tips for a Successful Family Meeting
More on childrenrsquos anxietyRobin Grille in his book Heart to Heart Parenting (2008) outlines some of the things that are going on in a babyrsquos consciousness that I think are very helpful for is to keep in mind
raquo Babies feel everything far more intensely than do adults
raquo Babies cannot lie put on an act or pretend like older children What you see is what you get mdash complete emotional honesty
raquo Babies cannot plan or think ahead mdash all they do is to react
raquo Babies are incapable of influencing or manipulating anyone
raquo Babies do not understand time
raquo Babies have very little ability to soothe themselves
raquo Babies have no strong defences against pain or sorrow as they do not yet have the fight or flight response
raquo If babies learn that reaching out is rewarding they will become strong communicators able to connect with people more effectively
ldquoLow serotonin levels are a key component in many forms of aggression and violent behaviour Opiods are vital to diminish feelings of fear and stress so deactivation of opiods in parts of the brain leads to increases in negative feelings and stress and decreases in positive feelingsrdquo
mdash Margot Sunderland The Science of Parenting (2007)
Distress (chronic stress)
01 Halves neuron development
02 Reduces effectiveness of the dendrites
03 Reduces brain to lsquosurvivalrsquo mode rather than upper cognitive processing
04 Reduces blood supply to the brain
05 Stimulates emotional meltdowns
06 Impedes immune system
What happens to the body when it enters lsquoflight or fightrsquo state (Distress)
raquo Breathing becomes shallow
raquo The heart rate increases
raquo Blood pressure rises
raquo Adrenaline and cortisol hormones are released into the blood
raquo The senses are heightened
raquo The liver releases stored sugar into the blood
raquo Muscles tense and tighten
raquo Blood flow increases to the brain and major muscles and is constricted to the extremities
mdash Patrice Thomas Stress in Early Childhood (2006)
Calming our children ndash strategies Now that we have looked at many of the symptoms and causes of stress and anxiety I want to focus on ways to help calm our children and our homes classrooms and early years centres This first thing to bear in mind is
ldquoHappy Calm Children Learn Bestrdquo
mdash Daniel Goleman
This quote is so truehellip our children need to be happy and calm to learn at school and at home If they are stressed all their energy and enthusiasm will be diverted to dealing with that stress So letrsquos look at how to support them with this
Herersquos a summary of some of my resources to help your children with anxiety
ArticlesThe Importance of a Go-Slow Childhood 10 Tips to Ease Separation Distress The Invisible Enemy of Anxiety Childhood Stress
AudiosI have several audios to help with anxiety
SafeNSound and Sleepytime are for under 10s and are free from my website
My latest download for anxious children is called Soothing the Frightened Butterflies which costs $5 as a download This can really help build coping and calming strategies for anxious kids
Managing our own stress especially for busy mums is important and that may mean joining a class or group to try yoga tai chi meditation or mindfulness activities or sound relaxation mdash or you can do any of these things when you have some free time in your own home Try my free Moonlight Relaxation for Mums (and mother figures)
Soothing calming and relaxationThe opposite of stress and distress is calmness and feeling relaxed If a child clings to you she is trying to bring down a high body arousal level and high levels of stress chemicals She is trying to activate the positive brain chemicals that activate feelings of wellbeing Research shows that children who have been soothed quickly and frequently tend to become self-soothers and manage stress better (Sunderland 2007) Due to the neuroplasticity of the human brain calmness can be learned at any stage of life
Top tips for soothing Key ways to trigger oxytocin mdash the love neurotransmitter
01 Calm adults
02 Touch and massage mdash especially lsquotickle pointrsquo (high on back mdash stroke gently) Works with children of any age
03 Rocking
04 Sucking
05 Physical comforters mdash soft toys dummies blankets
06 Warmth approx 21 degrees C mdash (or cooling if child has a temperature)
07 Low soothing sounds familiar songs
08 Bathing in warm bath
09 Novelty mdash laughter
10 Avoid overstimulation especially loud voices noises too much chaos and too much change
My top three tips for parents to soothe our childrenrsquos worlds mdash The three lsquoSrsquos
01 Slow down mdash walk slower talk slower do less and allow an extra 15 minutes than you think you need to get children ready for a scheduled event like going to school Ask what you can take out of your life so that you can be a calmer parent especially in the early years mdash avoid wearing too many hats when your children are young
02 Soothe more mdash remember that brain chemicals flood our childrenrsquos brains quite irrationally and chaotically Reassure children that they are valued safe and that mistakes and accidents are normal
03 Create safety mdash is your home child friendly Can your children relax sometimes without being stressed to have your home looking like itrsquos a feature house in a House and Garden magazine Is there somewhere for introverted children to hide from people and the world to fill their energy cup
Parent tips for reducing stress in children
raquo Children benefit from calm quiet spaces in their world
raquo Avoid being rushed and hurried
raquo Use quiet voices with gentle tones
raquo Have regular quiet times in your home when all electronic stuff is turned off
raquo Allow children time just lsquoto bersquo and not always be busy
raquo Children sense their parentsrsquo stress and react to it mdash so reduce your stress
raquo Ensure children have good night sleep patterns
raquo Calmness can be learned mdash do a relaxation activity with them
raquo Avoid too much noise and visual stimulation in homes
raquo Avoid too much exposure to TVs computers smart phones and other electronic games and devices
raquo Create safe home environments with boundaries and routines
raquo Avoid too much significant change in childrenrsquos lives
raquo Avoid pressuring your children
raquo Soothing and reassuring children triggers oxytocin and calms children
mdash Maggie Dent Real Kids in an Unreal World (2nd edition 2016)
How to calm an overloaded nervous system in our homes centres amp classrooms
raquo Calm grown ups
raquo Routines and habits
raquo Silent sound signals
raquo Movement amp relaxation
raquo Calming music
raquo Mindfulness
raquo Low vocal tones
raquo Absorbed play
raquo Quiet corner bean bag
raquo Thinking time
raquo Regular quiet times
raquo Calming audio visualisations
raquo Laughter and lightness
raquo Plenty of nature time
Tips for soothing separation distress
Separation distress or anxiety is very common among children and Sunderland believes this distress can influence children even as old as eight
The changes of environment people routines and the number of other children they are interacting with can all cause spikes in cortisol creating those stress symptoms you might see mdash crying clinging tummy aches refusal to leave your side poor appetite restless sleep and even outbursts and tantrums
Remember this means the lsquodownstairs brainrsquo is registering threat mdash and is acting accordingly Remember too that the key stressor for children is separation from the most significant grownup who is their protector
As a starting point it is useful to explain to kids that new things places and people often make even adults feel those same feelings of being a little unsettled or anxious
Young children usually have strong imaginations and I have found that some small techniques that strengthen the connection to Mum or Dad while they are away from you can help lots
I have shared some of my strategies for dealing with separation anxiety in my article 10 Tips to Ease Separation Distress
Safe touchWhy is safe touch so important in caring relationships
Clinical studies at the American Academy of Paediatrics found that touch therapy helped premature newborn babies to gain weight It also improved asthmatic childrenrsquos breathing assisted in balancing glucose levels for diabetic children and lowered stress levels improving the immune system Researcher Tiffany Field PhD from the Touch Research Institute at the University of Miami believes that ldquotouch is as important to infants and children as eating and sleepingrdquo
Soothing touch triggers positive brain chemicals especially serotonin which quite literally soothes the nervous system of the whole child Other ways to soothe include rocking soothing calm sounds from a safe adult and listening to familiar songs or nursery rhymes
We do need to seriously reconsider the fear-driven perception we have around the safe touch of students A retired principal once told me that a lawyer had spoken to him about the legal perspective of being sued for inappropriate touching You can only be pursued legally if you have touched someone without their approval or consent This did not have to be verbal consent tacit approval was sufficient What this means is that when a child falls over or hurts his or herself and comes running with arms up for a hug we have their tacit approval Common-sense needs to prevail
What needs to happen in our homes and schools to ensure that our children know what safe touch entails is that we must educate our children around body safety and awareness No longer can we hope that a significant grown-up has given them some guidance In our highly sexualised world where explicit images and pornography can be found without even looking for them we must give our children the tools to be able to understand where touch is no longer safe for themselves or for others
How can we build more safe touch in our homes
01 If your young children find their way to your bed in the middle of the night because theyrsquore frightened welcome them immediately If you find it difficult to sleep with a squirming wriggling little one in your bed it is completely okay for one of the grown-ups to go and sleep in their bed (especially if your little one wonrsquot settle back into their bed) The important thing is to soothe the fear or the need to be close first One day you will miss the fact that they no longer turn up for a nightly snuggle
02 Be mindful of gentle touching your children more often ndash a gentle hand on the shoulder holding their hands ruffling their hair non-annoying tickling sitting really closely on the couch being really close when you read stories picking them up and holding them close in a hug secret handshakes and high fives all keep physical intimacy alive and well
03 Help your children to create a list of people they feel are safe to allow them to touch them respectfully We still need to be mindful that even the people in this safe circle need to be respectful of when children give their tacit approval to be held or touched My beautiful two-year-old granddaughter can be slow to warm when we first reconnect and I will always offer her a loving verbal greeting however with no pressure for her to respond equally She is just two and has a long way to go to understand the nuances of human interaction particularly communication Adolescents struggle in a similar way and again it is not a sign of disrespect ndash although it is often seen as that ndash or a sign that they donrsquot care for the people who are trying to communicate to them They also improve with continued growth of the prefrontal cortex
04 Each child will have a certain preference around safe touch Personal space is different for us all Some of our children particularly those with sensory processing disorder (SPD) or who are on the spectrum prefer not to be touched at all Some prefer very vigorous rugby style hugs others non-verbal gestures like a smile a wink or even a gentle nod of your head in their direction Some like to sit all over us ndash and often Some might like a gentle head massage or even a back tickle It can be really helpful when we follow their preferences and we are able to meet that hunger for safe touch
05 There is a special spot high up on the back below the neck (between the shoulders) that is particularly sensitive when touched in a gentle and slow way It has been called the tickle spot
It is a bit like an accelerator button that can trigger serotonin which is a calming brain chemical Sometimes in situations where we can see our children struggling gently stroking this spot can actually help them calm down and feel soothed I have used this spot often in the queue in shopping centres when my lads were starting to get restless
06 The calmer our children are the more receptive they will be to being touched in a loving way Sometimes when they are really stressed and could benefit from loving safe touch they reject it or push it away
07 It can be helpful having a conversation with those who are in your close parenting circle of family or friends about safe touch Tell those who you trust that you encourage safe touch I remember one of my sonrsquos best friends who was dealing with the sudden death of his dad telling my son that my hugs were all soft and squishy and they felt good Personally it took me a long time to be comfortable with other people touching me in a caring way and Irsquom a firm believer in the power of a good hug when itrsquos welcome
08 Sometimes being held with love by a trusted person can say more than any words
Dr Arthur Janov author of The Biology of Love (2000) argues that the absence of loving care early in life causes increased levels of stress for a person The result of this deprivation is high levels of cortisol that change the structure of the brain Brain scans taken of extremely violent young men show huge spaces in the pre-frontal lobe
It only takes one genuinely trustworthy person to use safe touch to reframe how a child sees the world and to reshape how their brains perceive safety and tenderness Our world needs more love kindness and gentleness right now and so let the conversation begin
Sibling conflict a normal part of family lifeldquoThere is no way around it Sibling rivalry is universal After all every human is genetically programmed to protect resources that will help him survive and your children depend on and compete for what are in fact precious resources mdash your time and attention
I found that parenting gets a lot easier when we as parents can do 3 very hard things
1 Regulate our emotions
2 Stay connected with our child even when wersquore setting limits or the child is upset
3 Coach instead of controlling by fostering emotional intelligence guiding with empathetic limits instead of punishment and supporting masteryrdquo
mdash Dr Laura Markham Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life (2015)
Sibling rivalry is indeed one of lifersquos great teachers Indeed it helps us learn how to get along with others It also helps put a bit more sensitivity into our feisty lsquoroosterrsquo children and a bit more lsquoroosterrsquo into our sensitive lambs when parenting children of different temperaments
I have written an article about sibling rivalry that offers more detail on where it comes from rivalry between roosters and lambs and how to manage it and how to turn aggression into awareness Read my article on sibling rivalry
How not to deal with sibling rivalryhellip
According to Dr Laura if we punish or are too permissive with our children around their fighting it only creates more fighting The reason for this is because if we are not demonstrating kindness and fairness to solve the issue our kids will model the same approach Your child will handle conflict the way you show them (Markham 2015)
Our children donrsquot learn to be empathetic compassionate human beings by being punished for sibling rivalry Instead they learn to do things simply to avoid punishment not to be intrinsically caring They donrsquot learn self-discipline (remember the Three Family Rules I wrote about earlier) they learn to use power over each other and it can make them fearful and more likely to be angry and depressed (Markham 2015)
Included in this notion of punishment are lsquotimeoutsrsquo Dr Laura and I are on the same page when it comes to thishellip timeouts can be another way of shaming our kids and disconnecting from the
When my four lads got into conflict I found a much better solution was to send them all outside together for five minutes for ldquoa change of sceneryrdquo Invariably after five minutes they wouldnrsquot bother coming back in because being outside had shifted their mood and they got caught up in a new game
So what does help
The key is to help siblings see the world through their siblingrsquos eyes ndash to show why something is not fair or may be unkind or just plain wrong
My suggestions
raquo Stay calm
raquo Ensure safety of all
raquo Make sense of what is happening
raquo Re-connect to family rules
raquo Avoid making quick judgements
raquo Allow calm down time while being nearby
raquo Connect with all parties in a warm way AFTERWARDS
OR Use a nudge
ldquoA nudge is essentially a means of encouraging or guiding behaviour but without mandating or instructing and ideally without the need for heavy financial incentives or sanctions Sometimes behaviour changes with a surprisingly light touchrdquo
mdash David Halpern Inside the Nudge Unit How small changes can make a big difference (2015)
Basically a nudge is a bit of gentle positive persuasion ndash hints suggestions helpful comments hellip
If you reduce friction a nudge can be a potent way of clearing the path to make it easy for people to do something that they probably already intended to do but had not got around to it
01 Unexpected small reward in private
02 A quiet thank you and a positive touch moment in private
03 Positive noticing
04 Mention good conflict solving at family meeting
05 Let kids hear you tell someone else how great they have been
06 Tell your kids they are smart and can work out ways to sort out conflict themselves
07 Change location when things get a bit lsquoouchyrsquo in a calm and warm way
08 Use lightness and novelty
09 Inspirational images around the house reminding everyone within that lsquolove lives herersquo and reflecting your familyrsquos values
Tips from Dr Laura01 Talk about feelings
02 Ask questions about feelings needs wants and choices
03 Explain and model ndash expect to repeat yourself
04 Practice finding win-win solutions
05 Model lsquoIrsquo statements ldquoI feel hellipBecause I wantneed hellip And I observed that hellip eg I feel worried because I want to get there on time and I see that you arenrsquot ready to leave yet so please put on your shoesrdquo
06 Model pro social behaviour
mdash Dr Laura Markham Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life (2015)
and alsoRead Dr Laurarsquos blog ldquoWhy punishment doesnrsquot teach your child accountabilityrdquo for more on punishment
Read her ldquoWhatrsquos Wrong With Timeoutsrdquo blog to find out why time outs are also not a great response to sibling conflicts
And her Siblings 101 blog has some fantastic tips for turning sibling rivalry around
You can find all of Dr Laura Markhamrsquos helpful blogs and her two Peaceful Parent books at wwwahaparentingcom
Your new role is as an interpreter mdash which is technically emotional coaching
And a few notes on some other dilemmas for anyone raising or working with childrenhellip
Telling liesEveryone tells lies
Some children are often frightened into telling lies
Explain the difference between black lies and white lies
Spend time honouring the truth
Read picture books about honesty ndash Franklin Fibs Aesoprsquos Fables Pig the Pug Fibber
I have done a video blog about when children tell lies so take a few minutes to watch that to hear my suggestions
Watch Telling Lies Blog
You might also be interested in this very interesting article talking about research that suggests children who are subjected to punitive methods of discipline are less likely to be honest
Tsunami of Technology ndash Keeping the Balance
The benefits of technology are a given However there are concerns and we need to be aware of those
Concerns to keep in mind
raquo Posture problems
raquo Learning the lsquoplay codersquo
raquo Impact on human communication amp intimacy
raquo Passivity
raquo Sleep issues
raquo Dopamine receptor changes
raquo Short sightedness
raquo Instant entertainment
raquo Language saturation
raquo Creativity
raquo Boredom
raquo Addictive usage
Recommendations
01 As little as possible under 5
02 Never allow screens in bedroom
03 Have excellent remote parental controls on all devices and PCsApples ndash I recommend you take a look at Family Zone
04 Make sure your children are only able to access Kids YouTube
05 Have clear boundaries especially at night
06 Keep in mind the use mdash educational vs entertainment
07 Best use is when there is interaction with others
08 Have a basket for all hand held screens including parentsrsquo around meal times or other together times
09 Check other parentsrsquo boundaries before allowing children to visit ndash be strong
10 Have techno free times for fun
I have a few articles and resources on screens at my common concerns page on screen time httpswwwmaggiedentcomcommon-concernsscreen-time
As a parent or adult caring for children be mindful of Digital Abandonment
Watch my video blog on Digital Abandonment in Modern Families
I am so impressed with the work being done on the digital dilemma for parents by Dr Kristy Goodwin Please take the time to check out her blog and her excellent book Raising Your Child in a Digital World httpdrkristygoodwincom
REFERENCES Dent M (2014) 9 Things A back-to-basics guide to calm common-sense connected parenting birth-8 Murwillumbah NSW Pennington Publications
Dent M (2016) Real Kids in an Unreal World Building resilience amp self-esteem in todayrsquos children Murwillumbah NSW Pennington Publications
Dent M (2003) Saving Our children from Our Chaotic World Teaching children the magic of silence and stillness Dunsborough WA Pennington Publications
Doidge N (2007) The Brain That Changes Itself Stories of personal triumph from the frontiers of brain science New York Viking
Fuller A (2007) Tricky kids Transforming conflict and freeing their potential Sydney Finch Publishing
Goleman D (1996) Emotional Intelligence Why it can matter more than IQ UK Bloomsbury Publishing
Goodwin K (2016) Raising Your Child in a Digital World Sydney Finch Publishing
Grille R (2008) Heart to Heart Parenting Nurturing your childrsquos emotional intelligence from conception to school age Sydney ABC Books
Grille R (2013) Parenting for a Peaceful World (second edition) Asheville NC Vox Cordis Press
Halpern D (2009) Inside the Nudge Unit How small changes can make a big difference UK WHAllen
Janov A (2000) The Biology of Love New York Prometheus Books
Jensen E (2006) Enriching the Brain San Francisco CA Jossey-Bass
Markham L (2015) Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life New York TarcherPerigree
Neufeld G amp Mateacute G (2005) Hold On to Your Kids Why parents need to matter more than peers New York Ballantine Books
Rando L (2010) Caring and Connected Parenting A guide to raising connected children from birth to 4 years CA USA The Spiritual Alliance to Stop Intimate Violence
Shanker S (2016) (with Teresa Barker) Self-Reg How to help your child (and you) break the stress cycle and successfully engage with life Penguin Press
Siegel D J MD amp Bryson T P PhD (2011) The Whole-Brain Child 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your childrsquos developing mind survive everyday parenting struggles and help your family thrive New York Delacorte Press
Sunderland M (2007) The Science of Parenting How todayrsquos brain research can help you raise happy emotionally balanced children New York DK Publishing
Thomas P (2006) Stress in Early Childhood Helping children and their carers ACT Australia Early Childhood Australia
amp some other good readsNaomi Aldort (2005) Raising Our Children Raising Ourselves
Marcy Axness (2012) Parenting for Peace Raising the next generation of peacemakers
All of Steve Biddulphrsquos books Raising Boys Raising Girls The New Manhood The Secret of Happy Childrenhellip
Breacutene Brown (2013) The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting Raising children with courage compassion amp connection Audio CD
Gary Chapman amp Ross Campbell (2012) The 5 Love Languages of Children
Shelley Davidow (2014) Raising Stress-Proof Kids Parenting todayrsquos children in tomorrowrsquos world
Carol Dweck (2012) Mindset The new psychology of success
Tim Gill (2007) No Fear Growing up in a risk averse society
Peter Gray (2013) Free to Learn Why unleashing the instinct to play will make our children happier more self-reliant and better students for life
Jo Jackson King (2010) Raising the Best Possible Child How to navigate parenting myths and bring up confident happy kids
Janet Lansbury (2014) Elevating Child Care A guide to respectful parenting AND No Bad Kids Toddler discipline without shame
Vanessa LaPointe (2015) Discipline Without Damage How to get your kids to behave without messing them up
Pam Leo (2007) Connection Parenting Parenting through connection instead of coercion through love instead of fear wwwConnectionParentingcom
Richard Louv (2005) Last Child in the Woods Saving our children from nature-deficit disorder
Laura Markham (2012) Peaceful Parent Happy Kids how to stop yelling and start connecting
Rachel Macy Stafford (2014) Hands Free Mama and her new book (2017) Only Love Today
Shefali Tsabary (2014) Out of Control Why disciplining your child doesnrsquot work and what will
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
Much of the punishment that children receive for poor behaviour can be seen as adding fuel to a smouldering fire Think blaming shaming shouting and hitting ndash these punitive measures are still lingering from the harsh parenting and education practices of the last century especially before the 1970s
If punishment is too harsh a child can simply shut down ndash a serious level of stress survival that can sometimes look like compliance It is actually a sign that the child is highly distressed and can be damaging to your ongoing relationship
The damaging effects of shaming
Shame is the name we give to the overwhelming feeling that we need to crawl under a rock because we see ourselves as unworthy unpleasant unlikeable or reprehensible and because we expect to be judged or rejected accordingly
ldquoShame is like a knife that sharply delineates the limits of love in every culture the warning signal that something we are doing risks us being ostracisedrdquo
mdash Robin Grille Heart to Heart Parenting (2008)
Examples of shaming
raquo Deliberately ignoring a child
raquo Being sarcastic
raquo Walking away as though a child does not exist
raquo Rolling onersquos eyes
raquo Glaring at a child with disgust
raquo Shouting yelling and swearing at a child
We also shame when we say things such as
raquo ldquoYou ought to be ashamed of yourselfrdquo
raquo ldquoYou naughty boyrdquo
raquo ldquoYou are acting like a selfish bratrdquo
raquo ldquoYoursquove been a bad little girlrdquo
raquo ldquoGrow uprdquo
raquo ldquoStop acting like a babyrdquo
raquo ldquoDonrsquot be a sissyrdquo
raquo Girls donrsquot do that sort of thingrdquo
raquo ldquoYoursquore hopelessrdquo
raquo ldquoYoursquore not even tryingrdquo
raquo ldquoWhy canrsquot you be more like your brotherrdquo
raquo What are people going to think
The dynamics of energyUnderpinning this work in self-regulation is the notion that rather than shaming and controlling our children for reacting to stress we can help them learn to self-regulate We do this by supporting them to recognise whatrsquos going on in their bodies and how they can make themselves feel better A lot of this has to do with them (and us) monitoring their energy levels and what might be affecting them
This actually happens from birth Shanker (2016) writes of the ldquointer-brainrdquo which is ldquoa right brain-to-right brain communication channel between the parents and the baby delivered through touch sounds looks and even smellsrdquo
ldquoWe are designed to draw energy from one another and restore energy through one anotherhellip The better we can understand what might be draining a childrsquos energy reserves the better we can tailor our interactions and the choices we make to reduce that strainrdquo
mdash Stuart Shanker Self-Reg (2016)
Further Shanker says most stressors can be broken down to belonging in one of ldquoThe Five Domains of Stress and Self-Regulationrdquo biological emotional cognitive social and pro-social
Each of these domains has various stressors belonging to them and the better we understand those the better we can help to reduce them For example Shanker lists a pro-social stressor as ldquohaving to deal with other peoplersquos strong emotionsrdquo while a biological stressor might be tiredness or a noisy environment We can then look for signs that our child is potentially experiencing one of these stressors (Shanker 2016)
As parents carers and educators by having a greater understanding of these domains ndash stressors can come from more than one at a time ndash we can identify when children are experiencing issues in the various domains and adjust things to reduce the stress
More on self-regulationhellipThrough his work with The Mehrit Centre Dr Stuart Shanker has provided a wealth of excellent free resources on his website for teachers and parents and I would encourage everyone to not only read his new book Self-Reg but to spend some time browsing the site reading about these methods in more detail and using some of the tools provided at home or in your centreclassroom httpsself-regcaself-reg
In particular you may find these infographics helpful
Understanding Stress Behaviour for Parents Understanding Stress Behaviour for Teachers The Five Steps to Self-Regulation (The Shanker Methodtrade)
Becoming a CSI Detective We have to remember that in all interactions with our children maintaining a warm relationship needs to be first priority
Patterns habits routines and structure make the world more predictable and less startling for children I write about why healthy boundaries matter in my 10 resilience building blocks for an important reason
The better a baby and young children can recognise predictable patterns the less frightening and more engaging the world becomes Babies constantly look and listen for patterns all around them With pattern recognition comes the ability to know what yoursquore feeling and to act in an intentional way in your environment ndash it helps all of us anticipate what will happen next without becoming frightened about the uncertainty of the world
Chaos and rigidity are the two most confronting things that can impact our little onersquos lives Having routines and consistency makes the world safer for them and so they are not wasting vital energy figuring out if they are safe or not Always having to focus on survival denies children the capacity to interact in a curious way with the world Children quickly flip to survival brain because their pre frontal cortex is too immature and they will struggle when they donrsquot
understand what they are experiencing or why people are behaving the way they are or when this is too much for them Confusion and uncertainty are the opposite of having patterns and routines
The stronger a child is attached to key caregivers and the more attuned these caregivers are the better the child will navigate the uncertainties they will meet ndash moment by moment This means they will have more energy to explore and seek new things Yes it does take hours and hours of connected interaction to build these predictable pathways ndash this is called scaffolding and is essential to all learning Scaffolding is respectful to our young children because it values the input of the child first rather than something we do with a child
Acknowledging kids positively raquo Smile at them
raquo Wink at them
raquo Say hello using their name
raquo Say ldquoIrsquom glad to see yourdquo
raquo Suggest ldquoLetrsquos go play togetherrdquo
raquo Ask them to show you how to do a puzzle
raquo Give them a pat on the head back
raquo Hug them if appropriate
raquo Ask about their favourite toy
raquo Play a hand or clapping game with them
raquo Hold their hand
raquo Say things like
bull ldquoThank you for helping me clean up the toysrdquo
bull ldquoI noticed you washing your hands after going to the toiletrdquo
bull ldquoI know how hard it is to be patient when you play with othersrdquo
bull ldquoI noticed you using your quiet voice mdash well donerdquo
raquo Sing songs with them especially their favourite ones
raquo Cuddle up and watch ABC Kids with them
raquo Pretend to be an animal
raquo Call them up and say hello
raquo Make them laugh
Communicating compassionately with our children
Communication seems such a simple thing to do however poor communication is one of the key factors underlying conflict in our families We simply misunderstand each other
Being heard
Here are some phrases you might use that let your child know you are really hearing him or her
raquo ldquoLet me put this down so I can give you my full attentionrdquo
raquo ldquoWait a second while I turn off the TVradiocomputer so I can really hear yourdquo
raquo ldquoLetrsquos have some time together nowrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat would you like to do when we have our time together tomorrow afternoonrdquo
raquo ldquoSo what you mean isrdquo
raquo ldquoTell me more about thisrdquo
raquo ldquoIn other wordsrdquo
raquo ldquoLet me see if I understand you so farrdquo
raquo ldquoThat must have beenfor yourdquo
raquo ldquoAre you open to some feedback from merdquo
raquo ldquoNow thatrsquos interestingrdquo
raquo ldquoDoes that feel fair to yourdquo
raquo ldquoTell me what you were hoping to dordquo
raquo ldquoHow can we make this betterrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat do you think needs to happen nowrdquo
raquo ldquoSounds like youwe have a problemrdquo
raquo ldquoWhose problem is thisrdquo
raquo ldquoDoes that feel kind to yourdquo
raquo ldquoThere is a problem here How can I help you to sort it outrdquo
raquo ldquoCheck it out inside Does it feel rightrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat were you trying to do hererdquo
raquo ldquoDo you need my help right now to sort out what is happeningrdquo
raquo ldquoI know you can handle itrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat would you like to do nowrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat would a good friend do nowrdquo
raquo ldquoI noticed thatrdquo
raquo ldquoHaving a go is important mdash we canrsquot all win
Some secrets of positive parental communication
raquo Distraction
raquo Respectful caring requests
raquo Saying ldquoYes mdash Afterrdquo
raquo ldquoItrsquos just the right thing to dordquo
raquo Really listening
raquo Calm down time
Four steps to nurturing the inner genius in your child
1 Pause and become present
2 Ask ldquoDid you do that all by yourselfrdquo
3 Explain why the choice is one you would prefer they didnrsquot make again
4 Have them clean up the mess
Creating a family solution-seeking processldquo90 of childhood misbehaviour is the result of the developmental journeyrdquo
ndash Dr Gordon Neufeld Hold On to Your Kids (2005)
Essentially this means that childrenrsquos behaviour when it does not meet our expectations is not so much wrong or bad it is mainly children being children with a childrsquos mind and depth of experience If a childrsquos behaviour is inconvenient to us as an adult it too is not bad or wrong it is merely a normal part of the developmental journey of growing from child to adult Next time yoursquore frustrated and angry about your childrsquos behaviour pause take a deep breath and see if you can view that behaviour through the eyes of a child
One more thing is consider what we say to ourselves in our mind I so often hear the term lsquoattention seekingrsquo when talking about inappropriate behaviour in children If we could reframe that to ndash lsquolove seeking or connection seekingrsquo our response will be different
Family meetings are a wonderful way to resolve issues affirm values and rules and to connect Read my article on 10 Top Tips for a Successful Family Meeting
More on childrenrsquos anxietyRobin Grille in his book Heart to Heart Parenting (2008) outlines some of the things that are going on in a babyrsquos consciousness that I think are very helpful for is to keep in mind
raquo Babies feel everything far more intensely than do adults
raquo Babies cannot lie put on an act or pretend like older children What you see is what you get mdash complete emotional honesty
raquo Babies cannot plan or think ahead mdash all they do is to react
raquo Babies are incapable of influencing or manipulating anyone
raquo Babies do not understand time
raquo Babies have very little ability to soothe themselves
raquo Babies have no strong defences against pain or sorrow as they do not yet have the fight or flight response
raquo If babies learn that reaching out is rewarding they will become strong communicators able to connect with people more effectively
ldquoLow serotonin levels are a key component in many forms of aggression and violent behaviour Opiods are vital to diminish feelings of fear and stress so deactivation of opiods in parts of the brain leads to increases in negative feelings and stress and decreases in positive feelingsrdquo
mdash Margot Sunderland The Science of Parenting (2007)
Distress (chronic stress)
01 Halves neuron development
02 Reduces effectiveness of the dendrites
03 Reduces brain to lsquosurvivalrsquo mode rather than upper cognitive processing
04 Reduces blood supply to the brain
05 Stimulates emotional meltdowns
06 Impedes immune system
What happens to the body when it enters lsquoflight or fightrsquo state (Distress)
raquo Breathing becomes shallow
raquo The heart rate increases
raquo Blood pressure rises
raquo Adrenaline and cortisol hormones are released into the blood
raquo The senses are heightened
raquo The liver releases stored sugar into the blood
raquo Muscles tense and tighten
raquo Blood flow increases to the brain and major muscles and is constricted to the extremities
mdash Patrice Thomas Stress in Early Childhood (2006)
Calming our children ndash strategies Now that we have looked at many of the symptoms and causes of stress and anxiety I want to focus on ways to help calm our children and our homes classrooms and early years centres This first thing to bear in mind is
ldquoHappy Calm Children Learn Bestrdquo
mdash Daniel Goleman
This quote is so truehellip our children need to be happy and calm to learn at school and at home If they are stressed all their energy and enthusiasm will be diverted to dealing with that stress So letrsquos look at how to support them with this
Herersquos a summary of some of my resources to help your children with anxiety
ArticlesThe Importance of a Go-Slow Childhood 10 Tips to Ease Separation Distress The Invisible Enemy of Anxiety Childhood Stress
AudiosI have several audios to help with anxiety
SafeNSound and Sleepytime are for under 10s and are free from my website
My latest download for anxious children is called Soothing the Frightened Butterflies which costs $5 as a download This can really help build coping and calming strategies for anxious kids
Managing our own stress especially for busy mums is important and that may mean joining a class or group to try yoga tai chi meditation or mindfulness activities or sound relaxation mdash or you can do any of these things when you have some free time in your own home Try my free Moonlight Relaxation for Mums (and mother figures)
Soothing calming and relaxationThe opposite of stress and distress is calmness and feeling relaxed If a child clings to you she is trying to bring down a high body arousal level and high levels of stress chemicals She is trying to activate the positive brain chemicals that activate feelings of wellbeing Research shows that children who have been soothed quickly and frequently tend to become self-soothers and manage stress better (Sunderland 2007) Due to the neuroplasticity of the human brain calmness can be learned at any stage of life
Top tips for soothing Key ways to trigger oxytocin mdash the love neurotransmitter
01 Calm adults
02 Touch and massage mdash especially lsquotickle pointrsquo (high on back mdash stroke gently) Works with children of any age
03 Rocking
04 Sucking
05 Physical comforters mdash soft toys dummies blankets
06 Warmth approx 21 degrees C mdash (or cooling if child has a temperature)
07 Low soothing sounds familiar songs
08 Bathing in warm bath
09 Novelty mdash laughter
10 Avoid overstimulation especially loud voices noises too much chaos and too much change
My top three tips for parents to soothe our childrenrsquos worlds mdash The three lsquoSrsquos
01 Slow down mdash walk slower talk slower do less and allow an extra 15 minutes than you think you need to get children ready for a scheduled event like going to school Ask what you can take out of your life so that you can be a calmer parent especially in the early years mdash avoid wearing too many hats when your children are young
02 Soothe more mdash remember that brain chemicals flood our childrenrsquos brains quite irrationally and chaotically Reassure children that they are valued safe and that mistakes and accidents are normal
03 Create safety mdash is your home child friendly Can your children relax sometimes without being stressed to have your home looking like itrsquos a feature house in a House and Garden magazine Is there somewhere for introverted children to hide from people and the world to fill their energy cup
Parent tips for reducing stress in children
raquo Children benefit from calm quiet spaces in their world
raquo Avoid being rushed and hurried
raquo Use quiet voices with gentle tones
raquo Have regular quiet times in your home when all electronic stuff is turned off
raquo Allow children time just lsquoto bersquo and not always be busy
raquo Children sense their parentsrsquo stress and react to it mdash so reduce your stress
raquo Ensure children have good night sleep patterns
raquo Calmness can be learned mdash do a relaxation activity with them
raquo Avoid too much noise and visual stimulation in homes
raquo Avoid too much exposure to TVs computers smart phones and other electronic games and devices
raquo Create safe home environments with boundaries and routines
raquo Avoid too much significant change in childrenrsquos lives
raquo Avoid pressuring your children
raquo Soothing and reassuring children triggers oxytocin and calms children
mdash Maggie Dent Real Kids in an Unreal World (2nd edition 2016)
How to calm an overloaded nervous system in our homes centres amp classrooms
raquo Calm grown ups
raquo Routines and habits
raquo Silent sound signals
raquo Movement amp relaxation
raquo Calming music
raquo Mindfulness
raquo Low vocal tones
raquo Absorbed play
raquo Quiet corner bean bag
raquo Thinking time
raquo Regular quiet times
raquo Calming audio visualisations
raquo Laughter and lightness
raquo Plenty of nature time
Tips for soothing separation distress
Separation distress or anxiety is very common among children and Sunderland believes this distress can influence children even as old as eight
The changes of environment people routines and the number of other children they are interacting with can all cause spikes in cortisol creating those stress symptoms you might see mdash crying clinging tummy aches refusal to leave your side poor appetite restless sleep and even outbursts and tantrums
Remember this means the lsquodownstairs brainrsquo is registering threat mdash and is acting accordingly Remember too that the key stressor for children is separation from the most significant grownup who is their protector
As a starting point it is useful to explain to kids that new things places and people often make even adults feel those same feelings of being a little unsettled or anxious
Young children usually have strong imaginations and I have found that some small techniques that strengthen the connection to Mum or Dad while they are away from you can help lots
I have shared some of my strategies for dealing with separation anxiety in my article 10 Tips to Ease Separation Distress
Safe touchWhy is safe touch so important in caring relationships
Clinical studies at the American Academy of Paediatrics found that touch therapy helped premature newborn babies to gain weight It also improved asthmatic childrenrsquos breathing assisted in balancing glucose levels for diabetic children and lowered stress levels improving the immune system Researcher Tiffany Field PhD from the Touch Research Institute at the University of Miami believes that ldquotouch is as important to infants and children as eating and sleepingrdquo
Soothing touch triggers positive brain chemicals especially serotonin which quite literally soothes the nervous system of the whole child Other ways to soothe include rocking soothing calm sounds from a safe adult and listening to familiar songs or nursery rhymes
We do need to seriously reconsider the fear-driven perception we have around the safe touch of students A retired principal once told me that a lawyer had spoken to him about the legal perspective of being sued for inappropriate touching You can only be pursued legally if you have touched someone without their approval or consent This did not have to be verbal consent tacit approval was sufficient What this means is that when a child falls over or hurts his or herself and comes running with arms up for a hug we have their tacit approval Common-sense needs to prevail
What needs to happen in our homes and schools to ensure that our children know what safe touch entails is that we must educate our children around body safety and awareness No longer can we hope that a significant grown-up has given them some guidance In our highly sexualised world where explicit images and pornography can be found without even looking for them we must give our children the tools to be able to understand where touch is no longer safe for themselves or for others
How can we build more safe touch in our homes
01 If your young children find their way to your bed in the middle of the night because theyrsquore frightened welcome them immediately If you find it difficult to sleep with a squirming wriggling little one in your bed it is completely okay for one of the grown-ups to go and sleep in their bed (especially if your little one wonrsquot settle back into their bed) The important thing is to soothe the fear or the need to be close first One day you will miss the fact that they no longer turn up for a nightly snuggle
02 Be mindful of gentle touching your children more often ndash a gentle hand on the shoulder holding their hands ruffling their hair non-annoying tickling sitting really closely on the couch being really close when you read stories picking them up and holding them close in a hug secret handshakes and high fives all keep physical intimacy alive and well
03 Help your children to create a list of people they feel are safe to allow them to touch them respectfully We still need to be mindful that even the people in this safe circle need to be respectful of when children give their tacit approval to be held or touched My beautiful two-year-old granddaughter can be slow to warm when we first reconnect and I will always offer her a loving verbal greeting however with no pressure for her to respond equally She is just two and has a long way to go to understand the nuances of human interaction particularly communication Adolescents struggle in a similar way and again it is not a sign of disrespect ndash although it is often seen as that ndash or a sign that they donrsquot care for the people who are trying to communicate to them They also improve with continued growth of the prefrontal cortex
04 Each child will have a certain preference around safe touch Personal space is different for us all Some of our children particularly those with sensory processing disorder (SPD) or who are on the spectrum prefer not to be touched at all Some prefer very vigorous rugby style hugs others non-verbal gestures like a smile a wink or even a gentle nod of your head in their direction Some like to sit all over us ndash and often Some might like a gentle head massage or even a back tickle It can be really helpful when we follow their preferences and we are able to meet that hunger for safe touch
05 There is a special spot high up on the back below the neck (between the shoulders) that is particularly sensitive when touched in a gentle and slow way It has been called the tickle spot
It is a bit like an accelerator button that can trigger serotonin which is a calming brain chemical Sometimes in situations where we can see our children struggling gently stroking this spot can actually help them calm down and feel soothed I have used this spot often in the queue in shopping centres when my lads were starting to get restless
06 The calmer our children are the more receptive they will be to being touched in a loving way Sometimes when they are really stressed and could benefit from loving safe touch they reject it or push it away
07 It can be helpful having a conversation with those who are in your close parenting circle of family or friends about safe touch Tell those who you trust that you encourage safe touch I remember one of my sonrsquos best friends who was dealing with the sudden death of his dad telling my son that my hugs were all soft and squishy and they felt good Personally it took me a long time to be comfortable with other people touching me in a caring way and Irsquom a firm believer in the power of a good hug when itrsquos welcome
08 Sometimes being held with love by a trusted person can say more than any words
Dr Arthur Janov author of The Biology of Love (2000) argues that the absence of loving care early in life causes increased levels of stress for a person The result of this deprivation is high levels of cortisol that change the structure of the brain Brain scans taken of extremely violent young men show huge spaces in the pre-frontal lobe
It only takes one genuinely trustworthy person to use safe touch to reframe how a child sees the world and to reshape how their brains perceive safety and tenderness Our world needs more love kindness and gentleness right now and so let the conversation begin
Sibling conflict a normal part of family lifeldquoThere is no way around it Sibling rivalry is universal After all every human is genetically programmed to protect resources that will help him survive and your children depend on and compete for what are in fact precious resources mdash your time and attention
I found that parenting gets a lot easier when we as parents can do 3 very hard things
1 Regulate our emotions
2 Stay connected with our child even when wersquore setting limits or the child is upset
3 Coach instead of controlling by fostering emotional intelligence guiding with empathetic limits instead of punishment and supporting masteryrdquo
mdash Dr Laura Markham Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life (2015)
Sibling rivalry is indeed one of lifersquos great teachers Indeed it helps us learn how to get along with others It also helps put a bit more sensitivity into our feisty lsquoroosterrsquo children and a bit more lsquoroosterrsquo into our sensitive lambs when parenting children of different temperaments
I have written an article about sibling rivalry that offers more detail on where it comes from rivalry between roosters and lambs and how to manage it and how to turn aggression into awareness Read my article on sibling rivalry
How not to deal with sibling rivalryhellip
According to Dr Laura if we punish or are too permissive with our children around their fighting it only creates more fighting The reason for this is because if we are not demonstrating kindness and fairness to solve the issue our kids will model the same approach Your child will handle conflict the way you show them (Markham 2015)
Our children donrsquot learn to be empathetic compassionate human beings by being punished for sibling rivalry Instead they learn to do things simply to avoid punishment not to be intrinsically caring They donrsquot learn self-discipline (remember the Three Family Rules I wrote about earlier) they learn to use power over each other and it can make them fearful and more likely to be angry and depressed (Markham 2015)
Included in this notion of punishment are lsquotimeoutsrsquo Dr Laura and I are on the same page when it comes to thishellip timeouts can be another way of shaming our kids and disconnecting from the
When my four lads got into conflict I found a much better solution was to send them all outside together for five minutes for ldquoa change of sceneryrdquo Invariably after five minutes they wouldnrsquot bother coming back in because being outside had shifted their mood and they got caught up in a new game
So what does help
The key is to help siblings see the world through their siblingrsquos eyes ndash to show why something is not fair or may be unkind or just plain wrong
My suggestions
raquo Stay calm
raquo Ensure safety of all
raquo Make sense of what is happening
raquo Re-connect to family rules
raquo Avoid making quick judgements
raquo Allow calm down time while being nearby
raquo Connect with all parties in a warm way AFTERWARDS
OR Use a nudge
ldquoA nudge is essentially a means of encouraging or guiding behaviour but without mandating or instructing and ideally without the need for heavy financial incentives or sanctions Sometimes behaviour changes with a surprisingly light touchrdquo
mdash David Halpern Inside the Nudge Unit How small changes can make a big difference (2015)
Basically a nudge is a bit of gentle positive persuasion ndash hints suggestions helpful comments hellip
If you reduce friction a nudge can be a potent way of clearing the path to make it easy for people to do something that they probably already intended to do but had not got around to it
01 Unexpected small reward in private
02 A quiet thank you and a positive touch moment in private
03 Positive noticing
04 Mention good conflict solving at family meeting
05 Let kids hear you tell someone else how great they have been
06 Tell your kids they are smart and can work out ways to sort out conflict themselves
07 Change location when things get a bit lsquoouchyrsquo in a calm and warm way
08 Use lightness and novelty
09 Inspirational images around the house reminding everyone within that lsquolove lives herersquo and reflecting your familyrsquos values
Tips from Dr Laura01 Talk about feelings
02 Ask questions about feelings needs wants and choices
03 Explain and model ndash expect to repeat yourself
04 Practice finding win-win solutions
05 Model lsquoIrsquo statements ldquoI feel hellipBecause I wantneed hellip And I observed that hellip eg I feel worried because I want to get there on time and I see that you arenrsquot ready to leave yet so please put on your shoesrdquo
06 Model pro social behaviour
mdash Dr Laura Markham Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life (2015)
and alsoRead Dr Laurarsquos blog ldquoWhy punishment doesnrsquot teach your child accountabilityrdquo for more on punishment
Read her ldquoWhatrsquos Wrong With Timeoutsrdquo blog to find out why time outs are also not a great response to sibling conflicts
And her Siblings 101 blog has some fantastic tips for turning sibling rivalry around
You can find all of Dr Laura Markhamrsquos helpful blogs and her two Peaceful Parent books at wwwahaparentingcom
Your new role is as an interpreter mdash which is technically emotional coaching
And a few notes on some other dilemmas for anyone raising or working with childrenhellip
Telling liesEveryone tells lies
Some children are often frightened into telling lies
Explain the difference between black lies and white lies
Spend time honouring the truth
Read picture books about honesty ndash Franklin Fibs Aesoprsquos Fables Pig the Pug Fibber
I have done a video blog about when children tell lies so take a few minutes to watch that to hear my suggestions
Watch Telling Lies Blog
You might also be interested in this very interesting article talking about research that suggests children who are subjected to punitive methods of discipline are less likely to be honest
Tsunami of Technology ndash Keeping the Balance
The benefits of technology are a given However there are concerns and we need to be aware of those
Concerns to keep in mind
raquo Posture problems
raquo Learning the lsquoplay codersquo
raquo Impact on human communication amp intimacy
raquo Passivity
raquo Sleep issues
raquo Dopamine receptor changes
raquo Short sightedness
raquo Instant entertainment
raquo Language saturation
raquo Creativity
raquo Boredom
raquo Addictive usage
Recommendations
01 As little as possible under 5
02 Never allow screens in bedroom
03 Have excellent remote parental controls on all devices and PCsApples ndash I recommend you take a look at Family Zone
04 Make sure your children are only able to access Kids YouTube
05 Have clear boundaries especially at night
06 Keep in mind the use mdash educational vs entertainment
07 Best use is when there is interaction with others
08 Have a basket for all hand held screens including parentsrsquo around meal times or other together times
09 Check other parentsrsquo boundaries before allowing children to visit ndash be strong
10 Have techno free times for fun
I have a few articles and resources on screens at my common concerns page on screen time httpswwwmaggiedentcomcommon-concernsscreen-time
As a parent or adult caring for children be mindful of Digital Abandonment
Watch my video blog on Digital Abandonment in Modern Families
I am so impressed with the work being done on the digital dilemma for parents by Dr Kristy Goodwin Please take the time to check out her blog and her excellent book Raising Your Child in a Digital World httpdrkristygoodwincom
REFERENCES Dent M (2014) 9 Things A back-to-basics guide to calm common-sense connected parenting birth-8 Murwillumbah NSW Pennington Publications
Dent M (2016) Real Kids in an Unreal World Building resilience amp self-esteem in todayrsquos children Murwillumbah NSW Pennington Publications
Dent M (2003) Saving Our children from Our Chaotic World Teaching children the magic of silence and stillness Dunsborough WA Pennington Publications
Doidge N (2007) The Brain That Changes Itself Stories of personal triumph from the frontiers of brain science New York Viking
Fuller A (2007) Tricky kids Transforming conflict and freeing their potential Sydney Finch Publishing
Goleman D (1996) Emotional Intelligence Why it can matter more than IQ UK Bloomsbury Publishing
Goodwin K (2016) Raising Your Child in a Digital World Sydney Finch Publishing
Grille R (2008) Heart to Heart Parenting Nurturing your childrsquos emotional intelligence from conception to school age Sydney ABC Books
Grille R (2013) Parenting for a Peaceful World (second edition) Asheville NC Vox Cordis Press
Halpern D (2009) Inside the Nudge Unit How small changes can make a big difference UK WHAllen
Janov A (2000) The Biology of Love New York Prometheus Books
Jensen E (2006) Enriching the Brain San Francisco CA Jossey-Bass
Markham L (2015) Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life New York TarcherPerigree
Neufeld G amp Mateacute G (2005) Hold On to Your Kids Why parents need to matter more than peers New York Ballantine Books
Rando L (2010) Caring and Connected Parenting A guide to raising connected children from birth to 4 years CA USA The Spiritual Alliance to Stop Intimate Violence
Shanker S (2016) (with Teresa Barker) Self-Reg How to help your child (and you) break the stress cycle and successfully engage with life Penguin Press
Siegel D J MD amp Bryson T P PhD (2011) The Whole-Brain Child 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your childrsquos developing mind survive everyday parenting struggles and help your family thrive New York Delacorte Press
Sunderland M (2007) The Science of Parenting How todayrsquos brain research can help you raise happy emotionally balanced children New York DK Publishing
Thomas P (2006) Stress in Early Childhood Helping children and their carers ACT Australia Early Childhood Australia
amp some other good readsNaomi Aldort (2005) Raising Our Children Raising Ourselves
Marcy Axness (2012) Parenting for Peace Raising the next generation of peacemakers
All of Steve Biddulphrsquos books Raising Boys Raising Girls The New Manhood The Secret of Happy Childrenhellip
Breacutene Brown (2013) The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting Raising children with courage compassion amp connection Audio CD
Gary Chapman amp Ross Campbell (2012) The 5 Love Languages of Children
Shelley Davidow (2014) Raising Stress-Proof Kids Parenting todayrsquos children in tomorrowrsquos world
Carol Dweck (2012) Mindset The new psychology of success
Tim Gill (2007) No Fear Growing up in a risk averse society
Peter Gray (2013) Free to Learn Why unleashing the instinct to play will make our children happier more self-reliant and better students for life
Jo Jackson King (2010) Raising the Best Possible Child How to navigate parenting myths and bring up confident happy kids
Janet Lansbury (2014) Elevating Child Care A guide to respectful parenting AND No Bad Kids Toddler discipline without shame
Vanessa LaPointe (2015) Discipline Without Damage How to get your kids to behave without messing them up
Pam Leo (2007) Connection Parenting Parenting through connection instead of coercion through love instead of fear wwwConnectionParentingcom
Richard Louv (2005) Last Child in the Woods Saving our children from nature-deficit disorder
Laura Markham (2012) Peaceful Parent Happy Kids how to stop yelling and start connecting
Rachel Macy Stafford (2014) Hands Free Mama and her new book (2017) Only Love Today
Shefali Tsabary (2014) Out of Control Why disciplining your child doesnrsquot work and what will
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
We also shame when we say things such as
raquo ldquoYou ought to be ashamed of yourselfrdquo
raquo ldquoYou naughty boyrdquo
raquo ldquoYou are acting like a selfish bratrdquo
raquo ldquoYoursquove been a bad little girlrdquo
raquo ldquoGrow uprdquo
raquo ldquoStop acting like a babyrdquo
raquo ldquoDonrsquot be a sissyrdquo
raquo Girls donrsquot do that sort of thingrdquo
raquo ldquoYoursquore hopelessrdquo
raquo ldquoYoursquore not even tryingrdquo
raquo ldquoWhy canrsquot you be more like your brotherrdquo
raquo What are people going to think
The dynamics of energyUnderpinning this work in self-regulation is the notion that rather than shaming and controlling our children for reacting to stress we can help them learn to self-regulate We do this by supporting them to recognise whatrsquos going on in their bodies and how they can make themselves feel better A lot of this has to do with them (and us) monitoring their energy levels and what might be affecting them
This actually happens from birth Shanker (2016) writes of the ldquointer-brainrdquo which is ldquoa right brain-to-right brain communication channel between the parents and the baby delivered through touch sounds looks and even smellsrdquo
ldquoWe are designed to draw energy from one another and restore energy through one anotherhellip The better we can understand what might be draining a childrsquos energy reserves the better we can tailor our interactions and the choices we make to reduce that strainrdquo
mdash Stuart Shanker Self-Reg (2016)
Further Shanker says most stressors can be broken down to belonging in one of ldquoThe Five Domains of Stress and Self-Regulationrdquo biological emotional cognitive social and pro-social
Each of these domains has various stressors belonging to them and the better we understand those the better we can help to reduce them For example Shanker lists a pro-social stressor as ldquohaving to deal with other peoplersquos strong emotionsrdquo while a biological stressor might be tiredness or a noisy environment We can then look for signs that our child is potentially experiencing one of these stressors (Shanker 2016)
As parents carers and educators by having a greater understanding of these domains ndash stressors can come from more than one at a time ndash we can identify when children are experiencing issues in the various domains and adjust things to reduce the stress
More on self-regulationhellipThrough his work with The Mehrit Centre Dr Stuart Shanker has provided a wealth of excellent free resources on his website for teachers and parents and I would encourage everyone to not only read his new book Self-Reg but to spend some time browsing the site reading about these methods in more detail and using some of the tools provided at home or in your centreclassroom httpsself-regcaself-reg
In particular you may find these infographics helpful
Understanding Stress Behaviour for Parents Understanding Stress Behaviour for Teachers The Five Steps to Self-Regulation (The Shanker Methodtrade)
Becoming a CSI Detective We have to remember that in all interactions with our children maintaining a warm relationship needs to be first priority
Patterns habits routines and structure make the world more predictable and less startling for children I write about why healthy boundaries matter in my 10 resilience building blocks for an important reason
The better a baby and young children can recognise predictable patterns the less frightening and more engaging the world becomes Babies constantly look and listen for patterns all around them With pattern recognition comes the ability to know what yoursquore feeling and to act in an intentional way in your environment ndash it helps all of us anticipate what will happen next without becoming frightened about the uncertainty of the world
Chaos and rigidity are the two most confronting things that can impact our little onersquos lives Having routines and consistency makes the world safer for them and so they are not wasting vital energy figuring out if they are safe or not Always having to focus on survival denies children the capacity to interact in a curious way with the world Children quickly flip to survival brain because their pre frontal cortex is too immature and they will struggle when they donrsquot
understand what they are experiencing or why people are behaving the way they are or when this is too much for them Confusion and uncertainty are the opposite of having patterns and routines
The stronger a child is attached to key caregivers and the more attuned these caregivers are the better the child will navigate the uncertainties they will meet ndash moment by moment This means they will have more energy to explore and seek new things Yes it does take hours and hours of connected interaction to build these predictable pathways ndash this is called scaffolding and is essential to all learning Scaffolding is respectful to our young children because it values the input of the child first rather than something we do with a child
Acknowledging kids positively raquo Smile at them
raquo Wink at them
raquo Say hello using their name
raquo Say ldquoIrsquom glad to see yourdquo
raquo Suggest ldquoLetrsquos go play togetherrdquo
raquo Ask them to show you how to do a puzzle
raquo Give them a pat on the head back
raquo Hug them if appropriate
raquo Ask about their favourite toy
raquo Play a hand or clapping game with them
raquo Hold their hand
raquo Say things like
bull ldquoThank you for helping me clean up the toysrdquo
bull ldquoI noticed you washing your hands after going to the toiletrdquo
bull ldquoI know how hard it is to be patient when you play with othersrdquo
bull ldquoI noticed you using your quiet voice mdash well donerdquo
raquo Sing songs with them especially their favourite ones
raquo Cuddle up and watch ABC Kids with them
raquo Pretend to be an animal
raquo Call them up and say hello
raquo Make them laugh
Communicating compassionately with our children
Communication seems such a simple thing to do however poor communication is one of the key factors underlying conflict in our families We simply misunderstand each other
Being heard
Here are some phrases you might use that let your child know you are really hearing him or her
raquo ldquoLet me put this down so I can give you my full attentionrdquo
raquo ldquoWait a second while I turn off the TVradiocomputer so I can really hear yourdquo
raquo ldquoLetrsquos have some time together nowrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat would you like to do when we have our time together tomorrow afternoonrdquo
raquo ldquoSo what you mean isrdquo
raquo ldquoTell me more about thisrdquo
raquo ldquoIn other wordsrdquo
raquo ldquoLet me see if I understand you so farrdquo
raquo ldquoThat must have beenfor yourdquo
raquo ldquoAre you open to some feedback from merdquo
raquo ldquoNow thatrsquos interestingrdquo
raquo ldquoDoes that feel fair to yourdquo
raquo ldquoTell me what you were hoping to dordquo
raquo ldquoHow can we make this betterrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat do you think needs to happen nowrdquo
raquo ldquoSounds like youwe have a problemrdquo
raquo ldquoWhose problem is thisrdquo
raquo ldquoDoes that feel kind to yourdquo
raquo ldquoThere is a problem here How can I help you to sort it outrdquo
raquo ldquoCheck it out inside Does it feel rightrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat were you trying to do hererdquo
raquo ldquoDo you need my help right now to sort out what is happeningrdquo
raquo ldquoI know you can handle itrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat would you like to do nowrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat would a good friend do nowrdquo
raquo ldquoI noticed thatrdquo
raquo ldquoHaving a go is important mdash we canrsquot all win
Some secrets of positive parental communication
raquo Distraction
raquo Respectful caring requests
raquo Saying ldquoYes mdash Afterrdquo
raquo ldquoItrsquos just the right thing to dordquo
raquo Really listening
raquo Calm down time
Four steps to nurturing the inner genius in your child
1 Pause and become present
2 Ask ldquoDid you do that all by yourselfrdquo
3 Explain why the choice is one you would prefer they didnrsquot make again
4 Have them clean up the mess
Creating a family solution-seeking processldquo90 of childhood misbehaviour is the result of the developmental journeyrdquo
ndash Dr Gordon Neufeld Hold On to Your Kids (2005)
Essentially this means that childrenrsquos behaviour when it does not meet our expectations is not so much wrong or bad it is mainly children being children with a childrsquos mind and depth of experience If a childrsquos behaviour is inconvenient to us as an adult it too is not bad or wrong it is merely a normal part of the developmental journey of growing from child to adult Next time yoursquore frustrated and angry about your childrsquos behaviour pause take a deep breath and see if you can view that behaviour through the eyes of a child
One more thing is consider what we say to ourselves in our mind I so often hear the term lsquoattention seekingrsquo when talking about inappropriate behaviour in children If we could reframe that to ndash lsquolove seeking or connection seekingrsquo our response will be different
Family meetings are a wonderful way to resolve issues affirm values and rules and to connect Read my article on 10 Top Tips for a Successful Family Meeting
More on childrenrsquos anxietyRobin Grille in his book Heart to Heart Parenting (2008) outlines some of the things that are going on in a babyrsquos consciousness that I think are very helpful for is to keep in mind
raquo Babies feel everything far more intensely than do adults
raquo Babies cannot lie put on an act or pretend like older children What you see is what you get mdash complete emotional honesty
raquo Babies cannot plan or think ahead mdash all they do is to react
raquo Babies are incapable of influencing or manipulating anyone
raquo Babies do not understand time
raquo Babies have very little ability to soothe themselves
raquo Babies have no strong defences against pain or sorrow as they do not yet have the fight or flight response
raquo If babies learn that reaching out is rewarding they will become strong communicators able to connect with people more effectively
ldquoLow serotonin levels are a key component in many forms of aggression and violent behaviour Opiods are vital to diminish feelings of fear and stress so deactivation of opiods in parts of the brain leads to increases in negative feelings and stress and decreases in positive feelingsrdquo
mdash Margot Sunderland The Science of Parenting (2007)
Distress (chronic stress)
01 Halves neuron development
02 Reduces effectiveness of the dendrites
03 Reduces brain to lsquosurvivalrsquo mode rather than upper cognitive processing
04 Reduces blood supply to the brain
05 Stimulates emotional meltdowns
06 Impedes immune system
What happens to the body when it enters lsquoflight or fightrsquo state (Distress)
raquo Breathing becomes shallow
raquo The heart rate increases
raquo Blood pressure rises
raquo Adrenaline and cortisol hormones are released into the blood
raquo The senses are heightened
raquo The liver releases stored sugar into the blood
raquo Muscles tense and tighten
raquo Blood flow increases to the brain and major muscles and is constricted to the extremities
mdash Patrice Thomas Stress in Early Childhood (2006)
Calming our children ndash strategies Now that we have looked at many of the symptoms and causes of stress and anxiety I want to focus on ways to help calm our children and our homes classrooms and early years centres This first thing to bear in mind is
ldquoHappy Calm Children Learn Bestrdquo
mdash Daniel Goleman
This quote is so truehellip our children need to be happy and calm to learn at school and at home If they are stressed all their energy and enthusiasm will be diverted to dealing with that stress So letrsquos look at how to support them with this
Herersquos a summary of some of my resources to help your children with anxiety
ArticlesThe Importance of a Go-Slow Childhood 10 Tips to Ease Separation Distress The Invisible Enemy of Anxiety Childhood Stress
AudiosI have several audios to help with anxiety
SafeNSound and Sleepytime are for under 10s and are free from my website
My latest download for anxious children is called Soothing the Frightened Butterflies which costs $5 as a download This can really help build coping and calming strategies for anxious kids
Managing our own stress especially for busy mums is important and that may mean joining a class or group to try yoga tai chi meditation or mindfulness activities or sound relaxation mdash or you can do any of these things when you have some free time in your own home Try my free Moonlight Relaxation for Mums (and mother figures)
Soothing calming and relaxationThe opposite of stress and distress is calmness and feeling relaxed If a child clings to you she is trying to bring down a high body arousal level and high levels of stress chemicals She is trying to activate the positive brain chemicals that activate feelings of wellbeing Research shows that children who have been soothed quickly and frequently tend to become self-soothers and manage stress better (Sunderland 2007) Due to the neuroplasticity of the human brain calmness can be learned at any stage of life
Top tips for soothing Key ways to trigger oxytocin mdash the love neurotransmitter
01 Calm adults
02 Touch and massage mdash especially lsquotickle pointrsquo (high on back mdash stroke gently) Works with children of any age
03 Rocking
04 Sucking
05 Physical comforters mdash soft toys dummies blankets
06 Warmth approx 21 degrees C mdash (or cooling if child has a temperature)
07 Low soothing sounds familiar songs
08 Bathing in warm bath
09 Novelty mdash laughter
10 Avoid overstimulation especially loud voices noises too much chaos and too much change
My top three tips for parents to soothe our childrenrsquos worlds mdash The three lsquoSrsquos
01 Slow down mdash walk slower talk slower do less and allow an extra 15 minutes than you think you need to get children ready for a scheduled event like going to school Ask what you can take out of your life so that you can be a calmer parent especially in the early years mdash avoid wearing too many hats when your children are young
02 Soothe more mdash remember that brain chemicals flood our childrenrsquos brains quite irrationally and chaotically Reassure children that they are valued safe and that mistakes and accidents are normal
03 Create safety mdash is your home child friendly Can your children relax sometimes without being stressed to have your home looking like itrsquos a feature house in a House and Garden magazine Is there somewhere for introverted children to hide from people and the world to fill their energy cup
Parent tips for reducing stress in children
raquo Children benefit from calm quiet spaces in their world
raquo Avoid being rushed and hurried
raquo Use quiet voices with gentle tones
raquo Have regular quiet times in your home when all electronic stuff is turned off
raquo Allow children time just lsquoto bersquo and not always be busy
raquo Children sense their parentsrsquo stress and react to it mdash so reduce your stress
raquo Ensure children have good night sleep patterns
raquo Calmness can be learned mdash do a relaxation activity with them
raquo Avoid too much noise and visual stimulation in homes
raquo Avoid too much exposure to TVs computers smart phones and other electronic games and devices
raquo Create safe home environments with boundaries and routines
raquo Avoid too much significant change in childrenrsquos lives
raquo Avoid pressuring your children
raquo Soothing and reassuring children triggers oxytocin and calms children
mdash Maggie Dent Real Kids in an Unreal World (2nd edition 2016)
How to calm an overloaded nervous system in our homes centres amp classrooms
raquo Calm grown ups
raquo Routines and habits
raquo Silent sound signals
raquo Movement amp relaxation
raquo Calming music
raquo Mindfulness
raquo Low vocal tones
raquo Absorbed play
raquo Quiet corner bean bag
raquo Thinking time
raquo Regular quiet times
raquo Calming audio visualisations
raquo Laughter and lightness
raquo Plenty of nature time
Tips for soothing separation distress
Separation distress or anxiety is very common among children and Sunderland believes this distress can influence children even as old as eight
The changes of environment people routines and the number of other children they are interacting with can all cause spikes in cortisol creating those stress symptoms you might see mdash crying clinging tummy aches refusal to leave your side poor appetite restless sleep and even outbursts and tantrums
Remember this means the lsquodownstairs brainrsquo is registering threat mdash and is acting accordingly Remember too that the key stressor for children is separation from the most significant grownup who is their protector
As a starting point it is useful to explain to kids that new things places and people often make even adults feel those same feelings of being a little unsettled or anxious
Young children usually have strong imaginations and I have found that some small techniques that strengthen the connection to Mum or Dad while they are away from you can help lots
I have shared some of my strategies for dealing with separation anxiety in my article 10 Tips to Ease Separation Distress
Safe touchWhy is safe touch so important in caring relationships
Clinical studies at the American Academy of Paediatrics found that touch therapy helped premature newborn babies to gain weight It also improved asthmatic childrenrsquos breathing assisted in balancing glucose levels for diabetic children and lowered stress levels improving the immune system Researcher Tiffany Field PhD from the Touch Research Institute at the University of Miami believes that ldquotouch is as important to infants and children as eating and sleepingrdquo
Soothing touch triggers positive brain chemicals especially serotonin which quite literally soothes the nervous system of the whole child Other ways to soothe include rocking soothing calm sounds from a safe adult and listening to familiar songs or nursery rhymes
We do need to seriously reconsider the fear-driven perception we have around the safe touch of students A retired principal once told me that a lawyer had spoken to him about the legal perspective of being sued for inappropriate touching You can only be pursued legally if you have touched someone without their approval or consent This did not have to be verbal consent tacit approval was sufficient What this means is that when a child falls over or hurts his or herself and comes running with arms up for a hug we have their tacit approval Common-sense needs to prevail
What needs to happen in our homes and schools to ensure that our children know what safe touch entails is that we must educate our children around body safety and awareness No longer can we hope that a significant grown-up has given them some guidance In our highly sexualised world where explicit images and pornography can be found without even looking for them we must give our children the tools to be able to understand where touch is no longer safe for themselves or for others
How can we build more safe touch in our homes
01 If your young children find their way to your bed in the middle of the night because theyrsquore frightened welcome them immediately If you find it difficult to sleep with a squirming wriggling little one in your bed it is completely okay for one of the grown-ups to go and sleep in their bed (especially if your little one wonrsquot settle back into their bed) The important thing is to soothe the fear or the need to be close first One day you will miss the fact that they no longer turn up for a nightly snuggle
02 Be mindful of gentle touching your children more often ndash a gentle hand on the shoulder holding their hands ruffling their hair non-annoying tickling sitting really closely on the couch being really close when you read stories picking them up and holding them close in a hug secret handshakes and high fives all keep physical intimacy alive and well
03 Help your children to create a list of people they feel are safe to allow them to touch them respectfully We still need to be mindful that even the people in this safe circle need to be respectful of when children give their tacit approval to be held or touched My beautiful two-year-old granddaughter can be slow to warm when we first reconnect and I will always offer her a loving verbal greeting however with no pressure for her to respond equally She is just two and has a long way to go to understand the nuances of human interaction particularly communication Adolescents struggle in a similar way and again it is not a sign of disrespect ndash although it is often seen as that ndash or a sign that they donrsquot care for the people who are trying to communicate to them They also improve with continued growth of the prefrontal cortex
04 Each child will have a certain preference around safe touch Personal space is different for us all Some of our children particularly those with sensory processing disorder (SPD) or who are on the spectrum prefer not to be touched at all Some prefer very vigorous rugby style hugs others non-verbal gestures like a smile a wink or even a gentle nod of your head in their direction Some like to sit all over us ndash and often Some might like a gentle head massage or even a back tickle It can be really helpful when we follow their preferences and we are able to meet that hunger for safe touch
05 There is a special spot high up on the back below the neck (between the shoulders) that is particularly sensitive when touched in a gentle and slow way It has been called the tickle spot
It is a bit like an accelerator button that can trigger serotonin which is a calming brain chemical Sometimes in situations where we can see our children struggling gently stroking this spot can actually help them calm down and feel soothed I have used this spot often in the queue in shopping centres when my lads were starting to get restless
06 The calmer our children are the more receptive they will be to being touched in a loving way Sometimes when they are really stressed and could benefit from loving safe touch they reject it or push it away
07 It can be helpful having a conversation with those who are in your close parenting circle of family or friends about safe touch Tell those who you trust that you encourage safe touch I remember one of my sonrsquos best friends who was dealing with the sudden death of his dad telling my son that my hugs were all soft and squishy and they felt good Personally it took me a long time to be comfortable with other people touching me in a caring way and Irsquom a firm believer in the power of a good hug when itrsquos welcome
08 Sometimes being held with love by a trusted person can say more than any words
Dr Arthur Janov author of The Biology of Love (2000) argues that the absence of loving care early in life causes increased levels of stress for a person The result of this deprivation is high levels of cortisol that change the structure of the brain Brain scans taken of extremely violent young men show huge spaces in the pre-frontal lobe
It only takes one genuinely trustworthy person to use safe touch to reframe how a child sees the world and to reshape how their brains perceive safety and tenderness Our world needs more love kindness and gentleness right now and so let the conversation begin
Sibling conflict a normal part of family lifeldquoThere is no way around it Sibling rivalry is universal After all every human is genetically programmed to protect resources that will help him survive and your children depend on and compete for what are in fact precious resources mdash your time and attention
I found that parenting gets a lot easier when we as parents can do 3 very hard things
1 Regulate our emotions
2 Stay connected with our child even when wersquore setting limits or the child is upset
3 Coach instead of controlling by fostering emotional intelligence guiding with empathetic limits instead of punishment and supporting masteryrdquo
mdash Dr Laura Markham Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life (2015)
Sibling rivalry is indeed one of lifersquos great teachers Indeed it helps us learn how to get along with others It also helps put a bit more sensitivity into our feisty lsquoroosterrsquo children and a bit more lsquoroosterrsquo into our sensitive lambs when parenting children of different temperaments
I have written an article about sibling rivalry that offers more detail on where it comes from rivalry between roosters and lambs and how to manage it and how to turn aggression into awareness Read my article on sibling rivalry
How not to deal with sibling rivalryhellip
According to Dr Laura if we punish or are too permissive with our children around their fighting it only creates more fighting The reason for this is because if we are not demonstrating kindness and fairness to solve the issue our kids will model the same approach Your child will handle conflict the way you show them (Markham 2015)
Our children donrsquot learn to be empathetic compassionate human beings by being punished for sibling rivalry Instead they learn to do things simply to avoid punishment not to be intrinsically caring They donrsquot learn self-discipline (remember the Three Family Rules I wrote about earlier) they learn to use power over each other and it can make them fearful and more likely to be angry and depressed (Markham 2015)
Included in this notion of punishment are lsquotimeoutsrsquo Dr Laura and I are on the same page when it comes to thishellip timeouts can be another way of shaming our kids and disconnecting from the
When my four lads got into conflict I found a much better solution was to send them all outside together for five minutes for ldquoa change of sceneryrdquo Invariably after five minutes they wouldnrsquot bother coming back in because being outside had shifted their mood and they got caught up in a new game
So what does help
The key is to help siblings see the world through their siblingrsquos eyes ndash to show why something is not fair or may be unkind or just plain wrong
My suggestions
raquo Stay calm
raquo Ensure safety of all
raquo Make sense of what is happening
raquo Re-connect to family rules
raquo Avoid making quick judgements
raquo Allow calm down time while being nearby
raquo Connect with all parties in a warm way AFTERWARDS
OR Use a nudge
ldquoA nudge is essentially a means of encouraging or guiding behaviour but without mandating or instructing and ideally without the need for heavy financial incentives or sanctions Sometimes behaviour changes with a surprisingly light touchrdquo
mdash David Halpern Inside the Nudge Unit How small changes can make a big difference (2015)
Basically a nudge is a bit of gentle positive persuasion ndash hints suggestions helpful comments hellip
If you reduce friction a nudge can be a potent way of clearing the path to make it easy for people to do something that they probably already intended to do but had not got around to it
01 Unexpected small reward in private
02 A quiet thank you and a positive touch moment in private
03 Positive noticing
04 Mention good conflict solving at family meeting
05 Let kids hear you tell someone else how great they have been
06 Tell your kids they are smart and can work out ways to sort out conflict themselves
07 Change location when things get a bit lsquoouchyrsquo in a calm and warm way
08 Use lightness and novelty
09 Inspirational images around the house reminding everyone within that lsquolove lives herersquo and reflecting your familyrsquos values
Tips from Dr Laura01 Talk about feelings
02 Ask questions about feelings needs wants and choices
03 Explain and model ndash expect to repeat yourself
04 Practice finding win-win solutions
05 Model lsquoIrsquo statements ldquoI feel hellipBecause I wantneed hellip And I observed that hellip eg I feel worried because I want to get there on time and I see that you arenrsquot ready to leave yet so please put on your shoesrdquo
06 Model pro social behaviour
mdash Dr Laura Markham Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life (2015)
and alsoRead Dr Laurarsquos blog ldquoWhy punishment doesnrsquot teach your child accountabilityrdquo for more on punishment
Read her ldquoWhatrsquos Wrong With Timeoutsrdquo blog to find out why time outs are also not a great response to sibling conflicts
And her Siblings 101 blog has some fantastic tips for turning sibling rivalry around
You can find all of Dr Laura Markhamrsquos helpful blogs and her two Peaceful Parent books at wwwahaparentingcom
Your new role is as an interpreter mdash which is technically emotional coaching
And a few notes on some other dilemmas for anyone raising or working with childrenhellip
Telling liesEveryone tells lies
Some children are often frightened into telling lies
Explain the difference between black lies and white lies
Spend time honouring the truth
Read picture books about honesty ndash Franklin Fibs Aesoprsquos Fables Pig the Pug Fibber
I have done a video blog about when children tell lies so take a few minutes to watch that to hear my suggestions
Watch Telling Lies Blog
You might also be interested in this very interesting article talking about research that suggests children who are subjected to punitive methods of discipline are less likely to be honest
Tsunami of Technology ndash Keeping the Balance
The benefits of technology are a given However there are concerns and we need to be aware of those
Concerns to keep in mind
raquo Posture problems
raquo Learning the lsquoplay codersquo
raquo Impact on human communication amp intimacy
raquo Passivity
raquo Sleep issues
raquo Dopamine receptor changes
raquo Short sightedness
raquo Instant entertainment
raquo Language saturation
raquo Creativity
raquo Boredom
raquo Addictive usage
Recommendations
01 As little as possible under 5
02 Never allow screens in bedroom
03 Have excellent remote parental controls on all devices and PCsApples ndash I recommend you take a look at Family Zone
04 Make sure your children are only able to access Kids YouTube
05 Have clear boundaries especially at night
06 Keep in mind the use mdash educational vs entertainment
07 Best use is when there is interaction with others
08 Have a basket for all hand held screens including parentsrsquo around meal times or other together times
09 Check other parentsrsquo boundaries before allowing children to visit ndash be strong
10 Have techno free times for fun
I have a few articles and resources on screens at my common concerns page on screen time httpswwwmaggiedentcomcommon-concernsscreen-time
As a parent or adult caring for children be mindful of Digital Abandonment
Watch my video blog on Digital Abandonment in Modern Families
I am so impressed with the work being done on the digital dilemma for parents by Dr Kristy Goodwin Please take the time to check out her blog and her excellent book Raising Your Child in a Digital World httpdrkristygoodwincom
REFERENCES Dent M (2014) 9 Things A back-to-basics guide to calm common-sense connected parenting birth-8 Murwillumbah NSW Pennington Publications
Dent M (2016) Real Kids in an Unreal World Building resilience amp self-esteem in todayrsquos children Murwillumbah NSW Pennington Publications
Dent M (2003) Saving Our children from Our Chaotic World Teaching children the magic of silence and stillness Dunsborough WA Pennington Publications
Doidge N (2007) The Brain That Changes Itself Stories of personal triumph from the frontiers of brain science New York Viking
Fuller A (2007) Tricky kids Transforming conflict and freeing their potential Sydney Finch Publishing
Goleman D (1996) Emotional Intelligence Why it can matter more than IQ UK Bloomsbury Publishing
Goodwin K (2016) Raising Your Child in a Digital World Sydney Finch Publishing
Grille R (2008) Heart to Heart Parenting Nurturing your childrsquos emotional intelligence from conception to school age Sydney ABC Books
Grille R (2013) Parenting for a Peaceful World (second edition) Asheville NC Vox Cordis Press
Halpern D (2009) Inside the Nudge Unit How small changes can make a big difference UK WHAllen
Janov A (2000) The Biology of Love New York Prometheus Books
Jensen E (2006) Enriching the Brain San Francisco CA Jossey-Bass
Markham L (2015) Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life New York TarcherPerigree
Neufeld G amp Mateacute G (2005) Hold On to Your Kids Why parents need to matter more than peers New York Ballantine Books
Rando L (2010) Caring and Connected Parenting A guide to raising connected children from birth to 4 years CA USA The Spiritual Alliance to Stop Intimate Violence
Shanker S (2016) (with Teresa Barker) Self-Reg How to help your child (and you) break the stress cycle and successfully engage with life Penguin Press
Siegel D J MD amp Bryson T P PhD (2011) The Whole-Brain Child 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your childrsquos developing mind survive everyday parenting struggles and help your family thrive New York Delacorte Press
Sunderland M (2007) The Science of Parenting How todayrsquos brain research can help you raise happy emotionally balanced children New York DK Publishing
Thomas P (2006) Stress in Early Childhood Helping children and their carers ACT Australia Early Childhood Australia
amp some other good readsNaomi Aldort (2005) Raising Our Children Raising Ourselves
Marcy Axness (2012) Parenting for Peace Raising the next generation of peacemakers
All of Steve Biddulphrsquos books Raising Boys Raising Girls The New Manhood The Secret of Happy Childrenhellip
Breacutene Brown (2013) The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting Raising children with courage compassion amp connection Audio CD
Gary Chapman amp Ross Campbell (2012) The 5 Love Languages of Children
Shelley Davidow (2014) Raising Stress-Proof Kids Parenting todayrsquos children in tomorrowrsquos world
Carol Dweck (2012) Mindset The new psychology of success
Tim Gill (2007) No Fear Growing up in a risk averse society
Peter Gray (2013) Free to Learn Why unleashing the instinct to play will make our children happier more self-reliant and better students for life
Jo Jackson King (2010) Raising the Best Possible Child How to navigate parenting myths and bring up confident happy kids
Janet Lansbury (2014) Elevating Child Care A guide to respectful parenting AND No Bad Kids Toddler discipline without shame
Vanessa LaPointe (2015) Discipline Without Damage How to get your kids to behave without messing them up
Pam Leo (2007) Connection Parenting Parenting through connection instead of coercion through love instead of fear wwwConnectionParentingcom
Richard Louv (2005) Last Child in the Woods Saving our children from nature-deficit disorder
Laura Markham (2012) Peaceful Parent Happy Kids how to stop yelling and start connecting
Rachel Macy Stafford (2014) Hands Free Mama and her new book (2017) Only Love Today
Shefali Tsabary (2014) Out of Control Why disciplining your child doesnrsquot work and what will
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
Each of these domains has various stressors belonging to them and the better we understand those the better we can help to reduce them For example Shanker lists a pro-social stressor as ldquohaving to deal with other peoplersquos strong emotionsrdquo while a biological stressor might be tiredness or a noisy environment We can then look for signs that our child is potentially experiencing one of these stressors (Shanker 2016)
As parents carers and educators by having a greater understanding of these domains ndash stressors can come from more than one at a time ndash we can identify when children are experiencing issues in the various domains and adjust things to reduce the stress
More on self-regulationhellipThrough his work with The Mehrit Centre Dr Stuart Shanker has provided a wealth of excellent free resources on his website for teachers and parents and I would encourage everyone to not only read his new book Self-Reg but to spend some time browsing the site reading about these methods in more detail and using some of the tools provided at home or in your centreclassroom httpsself-regcaself-reg
In particular you may find these infographics helpful
Understanding Stress Behaviour for Parents Understanding Stress Behaviour for Teachers The Five Steps to Self-Regulation (The Shanker Methodtrade)
Becoming a CSI Detective We have to remember that in all interactions with our children maintaining a warm relationship needs to be first priority
Patterns habits routines and structure make the world more predictable and less startling for children I write about why healthy boundaries matter in my 10 resilience building blocks for an important reason
The better a baby and young children can recognise predictable patterns the less frightening and more engaging the world becomes Babies constantly look and listen for patterns all around them With pattern recognition comes the ability to know what yoursquore feeling and to act in an intentional way in your environment ndash it helps all of us anticipate what will happen next without becoming frightened about the uncertainty of the world
Chaos and rigidity are the two most confronting things that can impact our little onersquos lives Having routines and consistency makes the world safer for them and so they are not wasting vital energy figuring out if they are safe or not Always having to focus on survival denies children the capacity to interact in a curious way with the world Children quickly flip to survival brain because their pre frontal cortex is too immature and they will struggle when they donrsquot
understand what they are experiencing or why people are behaving the way they are or when this is too much for them Confusion and uncertainty are the opposite of having patterns and routines
The stronger a child is attached to key caregivers and the more attuned these caregivers are the better the child will navigate the uncertainties they will meet ndash moment by moment This means they will have more energy to explore and seek new things Yes it does take hours and hours of connected interaction to build these predictable pathways ndash this is called scaffolding and is essential to all learning Scaffolding is respectful to our young children because it values the input of the child first rather than something we do with a child
Acknowledging kids positively raquo Smile at them
raquo Wink at them
raquo Say hello using their name
raquo Say ldquoIrsquom glad to see yourdquo
raquo Suggest ldquoLetrsquos go play togetherrdquo
raquo Ask them to show you how to do a puzzle
raquo Give them a pat on the head back
raquo Hug them if appropriate
raquo Ask about their favourite toy
raquo Play a hand or clapping game with them
raquo Hold their hand
raquo Say things like
bull ldquoThank you for helping me clean up the toysrdquo
bull ldquoI noticed you washing your hands after going to the toiletrdquo
bull ldquoI know how hard it is to be patient when you play with othersrdquo
bull ldquoI noticed you using your quiet voice mdash well donerdquo
raquo Sing songs with them especially their favourite ones
raquo Cuddle up and watch ABC Kids with them
raquo Pretend to be an animal
raquo Call them up and say hello
raquo Make them laugh
Communicating compassionately with our children
Communication seems such a simple thing to do however poor communication is one of the key factors underlying conflict in our families We simply misunderstand each other
Being heard
Here are some phrases you might use that let your child know you are really hearing him or her
raquo ldquoLet me put this down so I can give you my full attentionrdquo
raquo ldquoWait a second while I turn off the TVradiocomputer so I can really hear yourdquo
raquo ldquoLetrsquos have some time together nowrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat would you like to do when we have our time together tomorrow afternoonrdquo
raquo ldquoSo what you mean isrdquo
raquo ldquoTell me more about thisrdquo
raquo ldquoIn other wordsrdquo
raquo ldquoLet me see if I understand you so farrdquo
raquo ldquoThat must have beenfor yourdquo
raquo ldquoAre you open to some feedback from merdquo
raquo ldquoNow thatrsquos interestingrdquo
raquo ldquoDoes that feel fair to yourdquo
raquo ldquoTell me what you were hoping to dordquo
raquo ldquoHow can we make this betterrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat do you think needs to happen nowrdquo
raquo ldquoSounds like youwe have a problemrdquo
raquo ldquoWhose problem is thisrdquo
raquo ldquoDoes that feel kind to yourdquo
raquo ldquoThere is a problem here How can I help you to sort it outrdquo
raquo ldquoCheck it out inside Does it feel rightrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat were you trying to do hererdquo
raquo ldquoDo you need my help right now to sort out what is happeningrdquo
raquo ldquoI know you can handle itrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat would you like to do nowrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat would a good friend do nowrdquo
raquo ldquoI noticed thatrdquo
raquo ldquoHaving a go is important mdash we canrsquot all win
Some secrets of positive parental communication
raquo Distraction
raquo Respectful caring requests
raquo Saying ldquoYes mdash Afterrdquo
raquo ldquoItrsquos just the right thing to dordquo
raquo Really listening
raquo Calm down time
Four steps to nurturing the inner genius in your child
1 Pause and become present
2 Ask ldquoDid you do that all by yourselfrdquo
3 Explain why the choice is one you would prefer they didnrsquot make again
4 Have them clean up the mess
Creating a family solution-seeking processldquo90 of childhood misbehaviour is the result of the developmental journeyrdquo
ndash Dr Gordon Neufeld Hold On to Your Kids (2005)
Essentially this means that childrenrsquos behaviour when it does not meet our expectations is not so much wrong or bad it is mainly children being children with a childrsquos mind and depth of experience If a childrsquos behaviour is inconvenient to us as an adult it too is not bad or wrong it is merely a normal part of the developmental journey of growing from child to adult Next time yoursquore frustrated and angry about your childrsquos behaviour pause take a deep breath and see if you can view that behaviour through the eyes of a child
One more thing is consider what we say to ourselves in our mind I so often hear the term lsquoattention seekingrsquo when talking about inappropriate behaviour in children If we could reframe that to ndash lsquolove seeking or connection seekingrsquo our response will be different
Family meetings are a wonderful way to resolve issues affirm values and rules and to connect Read my article on 10 Top Tips for a Successful Family Meeting
More on childrenrsquos anxietyRobin Grille in his book Heart to Heart Parenting (2008) outlines some of the things that are going on in a babyrsquos consciousness that I think are very helpful for is to keep in mind
raquo Babies feel everything far more intensely than do adults
raquo Babies cannot lie put on an act or pretend like older children What you see is what you get mdash complete emotional honesty
raquo Babies cannot plan or think ahead mdash all they do is to react
raquo Babies are incapable of influencing or manipulating anyone
raquo Babies do not understand time
raquo Babies have very little ability to soothe themselves
raquo Babies have no strong defences against pain or sorrow as they do not yet have the fight or flight response
raquo If babies learn that reaching out is rewarding they will become strong communicators able to connect with people more effectively
ldquoLow serotonin levels are a key component in many forms of aggression and violent behaviour Opiods are vital to diminish feelings of fear and stress so deactivation of opiods in parts of the brain leads to increases in negative feelings and stress and decreases in positive feelingsrdquo
mdash Margot Sunderland The Science of Parenting (2007)
Distress (chronic stress)
01 Halves neuron development
02 Reduces effectiveness of the dendrites
03 Reduces brain to lsquosurvivalrsquo mode rather than upper cognitive processing
04 Reduces blood supply to the brain
05 Stimulates emotional meltdowns
06 Impedes immune system
What happens to the body when it enters lsquoflight or fightrsquo state (Distress)
raquo Breathing becomes shallow
raquo The heart rate increases
raquo Blood pressure rises
raquo Adrenaline and cortisol hormones are released into the blood
raquo The senses are heightened
raquo The liver releases stored sugar into the blood
raquo Muscles tense and tighten
raquo Blood flow increases to the brain and major muscles and is constricted to the extremities
mdash Patrice Thomas Stress in Early Childhood (2006)
Calming our children ndash strategies Now that we have looked at many of the symptoms and causes of stress and anxiety I want to focus on ways to help calm our children and our homes classrooms and early years centres This first thing to bear in mind is
ldquoHappy Calm Children Learn Bestrdquo
mdash Daniel Goleman
This quote is so truehellip our children need to be happy and calm to learn at school and at home If they are stressed all their energy and enthusiasm will be diverted to dealing with that stress So letrsquos look at how to support them with this
Herersquos a summary of some of my resources to help your children with anxiety
ArticlesThe Importance of a Go-Slow Childhood 10 Tips to Ease Separation Distress The Invisible Enemy of Anxiety Childhood Stress
AudiosI have several audios to help with anxiety
SafeNSound and Sleepytime are for under 10s and are free from my website
My latest download for anxious children is called Soothing the Frightened Butterflies which costs $5 as a download This can really help build coping and calming strategies for anxious kids
Managing our own stress especially for busy mums is important and that may mean joining a class or group to try yoga tai chi meditation or mindfulness activities or sound relaxation mdash or you can do any of these things when you have some free time in your own home Try my free Moonlight Relaxation for Mums (and mother figures)
Soothing calming and relaxationThe opposite of stress and distress is calmness and feeling relaxed If a child clings to you she is trying to bring down a high body arousal level and high levels of stress chemicals She is trying to activate the positive brain chemicals that activate feelings of wellbeing Research shows that children who have been soothed quickly and frequently tend to become self-soothers and manage stress better (Sunderland 2007) Due to the neuroplasticity of the human brain calmness can be learned at any stage of life
Top tips for soothing Key ways to trigger oxytocin mdash the love neurotransmitter
01 Calm adults
02 Touch and massage mdash especially lsquotickle pointrsquo (high on back mdash stroke gently) Works with children of any age
03 Rocking
04 Sucking
05 Physical comforters mdash soft toys dummies blankets
06 Warmth approx 21 degrees C mdash (or cooling if child has a temperature)
07 Low soothing sounds familiar songs
08 Bathing in warm bath
09 Novelty mdash laughter
10 Avoid overstimulation especially loud voices noises too much chaos and too much change
My top three tips for parents to soothe our childrenrsquos worlds mdash The three lsquoSrsquos
01 Slow down mdash walk slower talk slower do less and allow an extra 15 minutes than you think you need to get children ready for a scheduled event like going to school Ask what you can take out of your life so that you can be a calmer parent especially in the early years mdash avoid wearing too many hats when your children are young
02 Soothe more mdash remember that brain chemicals flood our childrenrsquos brains quite irrationally and chaotically Reassure children that they are valued safe and that mistakes and accidents are normal
03 Create safety mdash is your home child friendly Can your children relax sometimes without being stressed to have your home looking like itrsquos a feature house in a House and Garden magazine Is there somewhere for introverted children to hide from people and the world to fill their energy cup
Parent tips for reducing stress in children
raquo Children benefit from calm quiet spaces in their world
raquo Avoid being rushed and hurried
raquo Use quiet voices with gentle tones
raquo Have regular quiet times in your home when all electronic stuff is turned off
raquo Allow children time just lsquoto bersquo and not always be busy
raquo Children sense their parentsrsquo stress and react to it mdash so reduce your stress
raquo Ensure children have good night sleep patterns
raquo Calmness can be learned mdash do a relaxation activity with them
raquo Avoid too much noise and visual stimulation in homes
raquo Avoid too much exposure to TVs computers smart phones and other electronic games and devices
raquo Create safe home environments with boundaries and routines
raquo Avoid too much significant change in childrenrsquos lives
raquo Avoid pressuring your children
raquo Soothing and reassuring children triggers oxytocin and calms children
mdash Maggie Dent Real Kids in an Unreal World (2nd edition 2016)
How to calm an overloaded nervous system in our homes centres amp classrooms
raquo Calm grown ups
raquo Routines and habits
raquo Silent sound signals
raquo Movement amp relaxation
raquo Calming music
raquo Mindfulness
raquo Low vocal tones
raquo Absorbed play
raquo Quiet corner bean bag
raquo Thinking time
raquo Regular quiet times
raquo Calming audio visualisations
raquo Laughter and lightness
raquo Plenty of nature time
Tips for soothing separation distress
Separation distress or anxiety is very common among children and Sunderland believes this distress can influence children even as old as eight
The changes of environment people routines and the number of other children they are interacting with can all cause spikes in cortisol creating those stress symptoms you might see mdash crying clinging tummy aches refusal to leave your side poor appetite restless sleep and even outbursts and tantrums
Remember this means the lsquodownstairs brainrsquo is registering threat mdash and is acting accordingly Remember too that the key stressor for children is separation from the most significant grownup who is their protector
As a starting point it is useful to explain to kids that new things places and people often make even adults feel those same feelings of being a little unsettled or anxious
Young children usually have strong imaginations and I have found that some small techniques that strengthen the connection to Mum or Dad while they are away from you can help lots
I have shared some of my strategies for dealing with separation anxiety in my article 10 Tips to Ease Separation Distress
Safe touchWhy is safe touch so important in caring relationships
Clinical studies at the American Academy of Paediatrics found that touch therapy helped premature newborn babies to gain weight It also improved asthmatic childrenrsquos breathing assisted in balancing glucose levels for diabetic children and lowered stress levels improving the immune system Researcher Tiffany Field PhD from the Touch Research Institute at the University of Miami believes that ldquotouch is as important to infants and children as eating and sleepingrdquo
Soothing touch triggers positive brain chemicals especially serotonin which quite literally soothes the nervous system of the whole child Other ways to soothe include rocking soothing calm sounds from a safe adult and listening to familiar songs or nursery rhymes
We do need to seriously reconsider the fear-driven perception we have around the safe touch of students A retired principal once told me that a lawyer had spoken to him about the legal perspective of being sued for inappropriate touching You can only be pursued legally if you have touched someone without their approval or consent This did not have to be verbal consent tacit approval was sufficient What this means is that when a child falls over or hurts his or herself and comes running with arms up for a hug we have their tacit approval Common-sense needs to prevail
What needs to happen in our homes and schools to ensure that our children know what safe touch entails is that we must educate our children around body safety and awareness No longer can we hope that a significant grown-up has given them some guidance In our highly sexualised world where explicit images and pornography can be found without even looking for them we must give our children the tools to be able to understand where touch is no longer safe for themselves or for others
How can we build more safe touch in our homes
01 If your young children find their way to your bed in the middle of the night because theyrsquore frightened welcome them immediately If you find it difficult to sleep with a squirming wriggling little one in your bed it is completely okay for one of the grown-ups to go and sleep in their bed (especially if your little one wonrsquot settle back into their bed) The important thing is to soothe the fear or the need to be close first One day you will miss the fact that they no longer turn up for a nightly snuggle
02 Be mindful of gentle touching your children more often ndash a gentle hand on the shoulder holding their hands ruffling their hair non-annoying tickling sitting really closely on the couch being really close when you read stories picking them up and holding them close in a hug secret handshakes and high fives all keep physical intimacy alive and well
03 Help your children to create a list of people they feel are safe to allow them to touch them respectfully We still need to be mindful that even the people in this safe circle need to be respectful of when children give their tacit approval to be held or touched My beautiful two-year-old granddaughter can be slow to warm when we first reconnect and I will always offer her a loving verbal greeting however with no pressure for her to respond equally She is just two and has a long way to go to understand the nuances of human interaction particularly communication Adolescents struggle in a similar way and again it is not a sign of disrespect ndash although it is often seen as that ndash or a sign that they donrsquot care for the people who are trying to communicate to them They also improve with continued growth of the prefrontal cortex
04 Each child will have a certain preference around safe touch Personal space is different for us all Some of our children particularly those with sensory processing disorder (SPD) or who are on the spectrum prefer not to be touched at all Some prefer very vigorous rugby style hugs others non-verbal gestures like a smile a wink or even a gentle nod of your head in their direction Some like to sit all over us ndash and often Some might like a gentle head massage or even a back tickle It can be really helpful when we follow their preferences and we are able to meet that hunger for safe touch
05 There is a special spot high up on the back below the neck (between the shoulders) that is particularly sensitive when touched in a gentle and slow way It has been called the tickle spot
It is a bit like an accelerator button that can trigger serotonin which is a calming brain chemical Sometimes in situations where we can see our children struggling gently stroking this spot can actually help them calm down and feel soothed I have used this spot often in the queue in shopping centres when my lads were starting to get restless
06 The calmer our children are the more receptive they will be to being touched in a loving way Sometimes when they are really stressed and could benefit from loving safe touch they reject it or push it away
07 It can be helpful having a conversation with those who are in your close parenting circle of family or friends about safe touch Tell those who you trust that you encourage safe touch I remember one of my sonrsquos best friends who was dealing with the sudden death of his dad telling my son that my hugs were all soft and squishy and they felt good Personally it took me a long time to be comfortable with other people touching me in a caring way and Irsquom a firm believer in the power of a good hug when itrsquos welcome
08 Sometimes being held with love by a trusted person can say more than any words
Dr Arthur Janov author of The Biology of Love (2000) argues that the absence of loving care early in life causes increased levels of stress for a person The result of this deprivation is high levels of cortisol that change the structure of the brain Brain scans taken of extremely violent young men show huge spaces in the pre-frontal lobe
It only takes one genuinely trustworthy person to use safe touch to reframe how a child sees the world and to reshape how their brains perceive safety and tenderness Our world needs more love kindness and gentleness right now and so let the conversation begin
Sibling conflict a normal part of family lifeldquoThere is no way around it Sibling rivalry is universal After all every human is genetically programmed to protect resources that will help him survive and your children depend on and compete for what are in fact precious resources mdash your time and attention
I found that parenting gets a lot easier when we as parents can do 3 very hard things
1 Regulate our emotions
2 Stay connected with our child even when wersquore setting limits or the child is upset
3 Coach instead of controlling by fostering emotional intelligence guiding with empathetic limits instead of punishment and supporting masteryrdquo
mdash Dr Laura Markham Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life (2015)
Sibling rivalry is indeed one of lifersquos great teachers Indeed it helps us learn how to get along with others It also helps put a bit more sensitivity into our feisty lsquoroosterrsquo children and a bit more lsquoroosterrsquo into our sensitive lambs when parenting children of different temperaments
I have written an article about sibling rivalry that offers more detail on where it comes from rivalry between roosters and lambs and how to manage it and how to turn aggression into awareness Read my article on sibling rivalry
How not to deal with sibling rivalryhellip
According to Dr Laura if we punish or are too permissive with our children around their fighting it only creates more fighting The reason for this is because if we are not demonstrating kindness and fairness to solve the issue our kids will model the same approach Your child will handle conflict the way you show them (Markham 2015)
Our children donrsquot learn to be empathetic compassionate human beings by being punished for sibling rivalry Instead they learn to do things simply to avoid punishment not to be intrinsically caring They donrsquot learn self-discipline (remember the Three Family Rules I wrote about earlier) they learn to use power over each other and it can make them fearful and more likely to be angry and depressed (Markham 2015)
Included in this notion of punishment are lsquotimeoutsrsquo Dr Laura and I are on the same page when it comes to thishellip timeouts can be another way of shaming our kids and disconnecting from the
When my four lads got into conflict I found a much better solution was to send them all outside together for five minutes for ldquoa change of sceneryrdquo Invariably after five minutes they wouldnrsquot bother coming back in because being outside had shifted their mood and they got caught up in a new game
So what does help
The key is to help siblings see the world through their siblingrsquos eyes ndash to show why something is not fair or may be unkind or just plain wrong
My suggestions
raquo Stay calm
raquo Ensure safety of all
raquo Make sense of what is happening
raquo Re-connect to family rules
raquo Avoid making quick judgements
raquo Allow calm down time while being nearby
raquo Connect with all parties in a warm way AFTERWARDS
OR Use a nudge
ldquoA nudge is essentially a means of encouraging or guiding behaviour but without mandating or instructing and ideally without the need for heavy financial incentives or sanctions Sometimes behaviour changes with a surprisingly light touchrdquo
mdash David Halpern Inside the Nudge Unit How small changes can make a big difference (2015)
Basically a nudge is a bit of gentle positive persuasion ndash hints suggestions helpful comments hellip
If you reduce friction a nudge can be a potent way of clearing the path to make it easy for people to do something that they probably already intended to do but had not got around to it
01 Unexpected small reward in private
02 A quiet thank you and a positive touch moment in private
03 Positive noticing
04 Mention good conflict solving at family meeting
05 Let kids hear you tell someone else how great they have been
06 Tell your kids they are smart and can work out ways to sort out conflict themselves
07 Change location when things get a bit lsquoouchyrsquo in a calm and warm way
08 Use lightness and novelty
09 Inspirational images around the house reminding everyone within that lsquolove lives herersquo and reflecting your familyrsquos values
Tips from Dr Laura01 Talk about feelings
02 Ask questions about feelings needs wants and choices
03 Explain and model ndash expect to repeat yourself
04 Practice finding win-win solutions
05 Model lsquoIrsquo statements ldquoI feel hellipBecause I wantneed hellip And I observed that hellip eg I feel worried because I want to get there on time and I see that you arenrsquot ready to leave yet so please put on your shoesrdquo
06 Model pro social behaviour
mdash Dr Laura Markham Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life (2015)
and alsoRead Dr Laurarsquos blog ldquoWhy punishment doesnrsquot teach your child accountabilityrdquo for more on punishment
Read her ldquoWhatrsquos Wrong With Timeoutsrdquo blog to find out why time outs are also not a great response to sibling conflicts
And her Siblings 101 blog has some fantastic tips for turning sibling rivalry around
You can find all of Dr Laura Markhamrsquos helpful blogs and her two Peaceful Parent books at wwwahaparentingcom
Your new role is as an interpreter mdash which is technically emotional coaching
And a few notes on some other dilemmas for anyone raising or working with childrenhellip
Telling liesEveryone tells lies
Some children are often frightened into telling lies
Explain the difference between black lies and white lies
Spend time honouring the truth
Read picture books about honesty ndash Franklin Fibs Aesoprsquos Fables Pig the Pug Fibber
I have done a video blog about when children tell lies so take a few minutes to watch that to hear my suggestions
Watch Telling Lies Blog
You might also be interested in this very interesting article talking about research that suggests children who are subjected to punitive methods of discipline are less likely to be honest
Tsunami of Technology ndash Keeping the Balance
The benefits of technology are a given However there are concerns and we need to be aware of those
Concerns to keep in mind
raquo Posture problems
raquo Learning the lsquoplay codersquo
raquo Impact on human communication amp intimacy
raquo Passivity
raquo Sleep issues
raquo Dopamine receptor changes
raquo Short sightedness
raquo Instant entertainment
raquo Language saturation
raquo Creativity
raquo Boredom
raquo Addictive usage
Recommendations
01 As little as possible under 5
02 Never allow screens in bedroom
03 Have excellent remote parental controls on all devices and PCsApples ndash I recommend you take a look at Family Zone
04 Make sure your children are only able to access Kids YouTube
05 Have clear boundaries especially at night
06 Keep in mind the use mdash educational vs entertainment
07 Best use is when there is interaction with others
08 Have a basket for all hand held screens including parentsrsquo around meal times or other together times
09 Check other parentsrsquo boundaries before allowing children to visit ndash be strong
10 Have techno free times for fun
I have a few articles and resources on screens at my common concerns page on screen time httpswwwmaggiedentcomcommon-concernsscreen-time
As a parent or adult caring for children be mindful of Digital Abandonment
Watch my video blog on Digital Abandonment in Modern Families
I am so impressed with the work being done on the digital dilemma for parents by Dr Kristy Goodwin Please take the time to check out her blog and her excellent book Raising Your Child in a Digital World httpdrkristygoodwincom
REFERENCES Dent M (2014) 9 Things A back-to-basics guide to calm common-sense connected parenting birth-8 Murwillumbah NSW Pennington Publications
Dent M (2016) Real Kids in an Unreal World Building resilience amp self-esteem in todayrsquos children Murwillumbah NSW Pennington Publications
Dent M (2003) Saving Our children from Our Chaotic World Teaching children the magic of silence and stillness Dunsborough WA Pennington Publications
Doidge N (2007) The Brain That Changes Itself Stories of personal triumph from the frontiers of brain science New York Viking
Fuller A (2007) Tricky kids Transforming conflict and freeing their potential Sydney Finch Publishing
Goleman D (1996) Emotional Intelligence Why it can matter more than IQ UK Bloomsbury Publishing
Goodwin K (2016) Raising Your Child in a Digital World Sydney Finch Publishing
Grille R (2008) Heart to Heart Parenting Nurturing your childrsquos emotional intelligence from conception to school age Sydney ABC Books
Grille R (2013) Parenting for a Peaceful World (second edition) Asheville NC Vox Cordis Press
Halpern D (2009) Inside the Nudge Unit How small changes can make a big difference UK WHAllen
Janov A (2000) The Biology of Love New York Prometheus Books
Jensen E (2006) Enriching the Brain San Francisco CA Jossey-Bass
Markham L (2015) Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life New York TarcherPerigree
Neufeld G amp Mateacute G (2005) Hold On to Your Kids Why parents need to matter more than peers New York Ballantine Books
Rando L (2010) Caring and Connected Parenting A guide to raising connected children from birth to 4 years CA USA The Spiritual Alliance to Stop Intimate Violence
Shanker S (2016) (with Teresa Barker) Self-Reg How to help your child (and you) break the stress cycle and successfully engage with life Penguin Press
Siegel D J MD amp Bryson T P PhD (2011) The Whole-Brain Child 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your childrsquos developing mind survive everyday parenting struggles and help your family thrive New York Delacorte Press
Sunderland M (2007) The Science of Parenting How todayrsquos brain research can help you raise happy emotionally balanced children New York DK Publishing
Thomas P (2006) Stress in Early Childhood Helping children and their carers ACT Australia Early Childhood Australia
amp some other good readsNaomi Aldort (2005) Raising Our Children Raising Ourselves
Marcy Axness (2012) Parenting for Peace Raising the next generation of peacemakers
All of Steve Biddulphrsquos books Raising Boys Raising Girls The New Manhood The Secret of Happy Childrenhellip
Breacutene Brown (2013) The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting Raising children with courage compassion amp connection Audio CD
Gary Chapman amp Ross Campbell (2012) The 5 Love Languages of Children
Shelley Davidow (2014) Raising Stress-Proof Kids Parenting todayrsquos children in tomorrowrsquos world
Carol Dweck (2012) Mindset The new psychology of success
Tim Gill (2007) No Fear Growing up in a risk averse society
Peter Gray (2013) Free to Learn Why unleashing the instinct to play will make our children happier more self-reliant and better students for life
Jo Jackson King (2010) Raising the Best Possible Child How to navigate parenting myths and bring up confident happy kids
Janet Lansbury (2014) Elevating Child Care A guide to respectful parenting AND No Bad Kids Toddler discipline without shame
Vanessa LaPointe (2015) Discipline Without Damage How to get your kids to behave without messing them up
Pam Leo (2007) Connection Parenting Parenting through connection instead of coercion through love instead of fear wwwConnectionParentingcom
Richard Louv (2005) Last Child in the Woods Saving our children from nature-deficit disorder
Laura Markham (2012) Peaceful Parent Happy Kids how to stop yelling and start connecting
Rachel Macy Stafford (2014) Hands Free Mama and her new book (2017) Only Love Today
Shefali Tsabary (2014) Out of Control Why disciplining your child doesnrsquot work and what will
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
understand what they are experiencing or why people are behaving the way they are or when this is too much for them Confusion and uncertainty are the opposite of having patterns and routines
The stronger a child is attached to key caregivers and the more attuned these caregivers are the better the child will navigate the uncertainties they will meet ndash moment by moment This means they will have more energy to explore and seek new things Yes it does take hours and hours of connected interaction to build these predictable pathways ndash this is called scaffolding and is essential to all learning Scaffolding is respectful to our young children because it values the input of the child first rather than something we do with a child
Acknowledging kids positively raquo Smile at them
raquo Wink at them
raquo Say hello using their name
raquo Say ldquoIrsquom glad to see yourdquo
raquo Suggest ldquoLetrsquos go play togetherrdquo
raquo Ask them to show you how to do a puzzle
raquo Give them a pat on the head back
raquo Hug them if appropriate
raquo Ask about their favourite toy
raquo Play a hand or clapping game with them
raquo Hold their hand
raquo Say things like
bull ldquoThank you for helping me clean up the toysrdquo
bull ldquoI noticed you washing your hands after going to the toiletrdquo
bull ldquoI know how hard it is to be patient when you play with othersrdquo
bull ldquoI noticed you using your quiet voice mdash well donerdquo
raquo Sing songs with them especially their favourite ones
raquo Cuddle up and watch ABC Kids with them
raquo Pretend to be an animal
raquo Call them up and say hello
raquo Make them laugh
Communicating compassionately with our children
Communication seems such a simple thing to do however poor communication is one of the key factors underlying conflict in our families We simply misunderstand each other
Being heard
Here are some phrases you might use that let your child know you are really hearing him or her
raquo ldquoLet me put this down so I can give you my full attentionrdquo
raquo ldquoWait a second while I turn off the TVradiocomputer so I can really hear yourdquo
raquo ldquoLetrsquos have some time together nowrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat would you like to do when we have our time together tomorrow afternoonrdquo
raquo ldquoSo what you mean isrdquo
raquo ldquoTell me more about thisrdquo
raquo ldquoIn other wordsrdquo
raquo ldquoLet me see if I understand you so farrdquo
raquo ldquoThat must have beenfor yourdquo
raquo ldquoAre you open to some feedback from merdquo
raquo ldquoNow thatrsquos interestingrdquo
raquo ldquoDoes that feel fair to yourdquo
raquo ldquoTell me what you were hoping to dordquo
raquo ldquoHow can we make this betterrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat do you think needs to happen nowrdquo
raquo ldquoSounds like youwe have a problemrdquo
raquo ldquoWhose problem is thisrdquo
raquo ldquoDoes that feel kind to yourdquo
raquo ldquoThere is a problem here How can I help you to sort it outrdquo
raquo ldquoCheck it out inside Does it feel rightrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat were you trying to do hererdquo
raquo ldquoDo you need my help right now to sort out what is happeningrdquo
raquo ldquoI know you can handle itrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat would you like to do nowrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat would a good friend do nowrdquo
raquo ldquoI noticed thatrdquo
raquo ldquoHaving a go is important mdash we canrsquot all win
Some secrets of positive parental communication
raquo Distraction
raquo Respectful caring requests
raquo Saying ldquoYes mdash Afterrdquo
raquo ldquoItrsquos just the right thing to dordquo
raquo Really listening
raquo Calm down time
Four steps to nurturing the inner genius in your child
1 Pause and become present
2 Ask ldquoDid you do that all by yourselfrdquo
3 Explain why the choice is one you would prefer they didnrsquot make again
4 Have them clean up the mess
Creating a family solution-seeking processldquo90 of childhood misbehaviour is the result of the developmental journeyrdquo
ndash Dr Gordon Neufeld Hold On to Your Kids (2005)
Essentially this means that childrenrsquos behaviour when it does not meet our expectations is not so much wrong or bad it is mainly children being children with a childrsquos mind and depth of experience If a childrsquos behaviour is inconvenient to us as an adult it too is not bad or wrong it is merely a normal part of the developmental journey of growing from child to adult Next time yoursquore frustrated and angry about your childrsquos behaviour pause take a deep breath and see if you can view that behaviour through the eyes of a child
One more thing is consider what we say to ourselves in our mind I so often hear the term lsquoattention seekingrsquo when talking about inappropriate behaviour in children If we could reframe that to ndash lsquolove seeking or connection seekingrsquo our response will be different
Family meetings are a wonderful way to resolve issues affirm values and rules and to connect Read my article on 10 Top Tips for a Successful Family Meeting
More on childrenrsquos anxietyRobin Grille in his book Heart to Heart Parenting (2008) outlines some of the things that are going on in a babyrsquos consciousness that I think are very helpful for is to keep in mind
raquo Babies feel everything far more intensely than do adults
raquo Babies cannot lie put on an act or pretend like older children What you see is what you get mdash complete emotional honesty
raquo Babies cannot plan or think ahead mdash all they do is to react
raquo Babies are incapable of influencing or manipulating anyone
raquo Babies do not understand time
raquo Babies have very little ability to soothe themselves
raquo Babies have no strong defences against pain or sorrow as they do not yet have the fight or flight response
raquo If babies learn that reaching out is rewarding they will become strong communicators able to connect with people more effectively
ldquoLow serotonin levels are a key component in many forms of aggression and violent behaviour Opiods are vital to diminish feelings of fear and stress so deactivation of opiods in parts of the brain leads to increases in negative feelings and stress and decreases in positive feelingsrdquo
mdash Margot Sunderland The Science of Parenting (2007)
Distress (chronic stress)
01 Halves neuron development
02 Reduces effectiveness of the dendrites
03 Reduces brain to lsquosurvivalrsquo mode rather than upper cognitive processing
04 Reduces blood supply to the brain
05 Stimulates emotional meltdowns
06 Impedes immune system
What happens to the body when it enters lsquoflight or fightrsquo state (Distress)
raquo Breathing becomes shallow
raquo The heart rate increases
raquo Blood pressure rises
raquo Adrenaline and cortisol hormones are released into the blood
raquo The senses are heightened
raquo The liver releases stored sugar into the blood
raquo Muscles tense and tighten
raquo Blood flow increases to the brain and major muscles and is constricted to the extremities
mdash Patrice Thomas Stress in Early Childhood (2006)
Calming our children ndash strategies Now that we have looked at many of the symptoms and causes of stress and anxiety I want to focus on ways to help calm our children and our homes classrooms and early years centres This first thing to bear in mind is
ldquoHappy Calm Children Learn Bestrdquo
mdash Daniel Goleman
This quote is so truehellip our children need to be happy and calm to learn at school and at home If they are stressed all their energy and enthusiasm will be diverted to dealing with that stress So letrsquos look at how to support them with this
Herersquos a summary of some of my resources to help your children with anxiety
ArticlesThe Importance of a Go-Slow Childhood 10 Tips to Ease Separation Distress The Invisible Enemy of Anxiety Childhood Stress
AudiosI have several audios to help with anxiety
SafeNSound and Sleepytime are for under 10s and are free from my website
My latest download for anxious children is called Soothing the Frightened Butterflies which costs $5 as a download This can really help build coping and calming strategies for anxious kids
Managing our own stress especially for busy mums is important and that may mean joining a class or group to try yoga tai chi meditation or mindfulness activities or sound relaxation mdash or you can do any of these things when you have some free time in your own home Try my free Moonlight Relaxation for Mums (and mother figures)
Soothing calming and relaxationThe opposite of stress and distress is calmness and feeling relaxed If a child clings to you she is trying to bring down a high body arousal level and high levels of stress chemicals She is trying to activate the positive brain chemicals that activate feelings of wellbeing Research shows that children who have been soothed quickly and frequently tend to become self-soothers and manage stress better (Sunderland 2007) Due to the neuroplasticity of the human brain calmness can be learned at any stage of life
Top tips for soothing Key ways to trigger oxytocin mdash the love neurotransmitter
01 Calm adults
02 Touch and massage mdash especially lsquotickle pointrsquo (high on back mdash stroke gently) Works with children of any age
03 Rocking
04 Sucking
05 Physical comforters mdash soft toys dummies blankets
06 Warmth approx 21 degrees C mdash (or cooling if child has a temperature)
07 Low soothing sounds familiar songs
08 Bathing in warm bath
09 Novelty mdash laughter
10 Avoid overstimulation especially loud voices noises too much chaos and too much change
My top three tips for parents to soothe our childrenrsquos worlds mdash The three lsquoSrsquos
01 Slow down mdash walk slower talk slower do less and allow an extra 15 minutes than you think you need to get children ready for a scheduled event like going to school Ask what you can take out of your life so that you can be a calmer parent especially in the early years mdash avoid wearing too many hats when your children are young
02 Soothe more mdash remember that brain chemicals flood our childrenrsquos brains quite irrationally and chaotically Reassure children that they are valued safe and that mistakes and accidents are normal
03 Create safety mdash is your home child friendly Can your children relax sometimes without being stressed to have your home looking like itrsquos a feature house in a House and Garden magazine Is there somewhere for introverted children to hide from people and the world to fill their energy cup
Parent tips for reducing stress in children
raquo Children benefit from calm quiet spaces in their world
raquo Avoid being rushed and hurried
raquo Use quiet voices with gentle tones
raquo Have regular quiet times in your home when all electronic stuff is turned off
raquo Allow children time just lsquoto bersquo and not always be busy
raquo Children sense their parentsrsquo stress and react to it mdash so reduce your stress
raquo Ensure children have good night sleep patterns
raquo Calmness can be learned mdash do a relaxation activity with them
raquo Avoid too much noise and visual stimulation in homes
raquo Avoid too much exposure to TVs computers smart phones and other electronic games and devices
raquo Create safe home environments with boundaries and routines
raquo Avoid too much significant change in childrenrsquos lives
raquo Avoid pressuring your children
raquo Soothing and reassuring children triggers oxytocin and calms children
mdash Maggie Dent Real Kids in an Unreal World (2nd edition 2016)
How to calm an overloaded nervous system in our homes centres amp classrooms
raquo Calm grown ups
raquo Routines and habits
raquo Silent sound signals
raquo Movement amp relaxation
raquo Calming music
raquo Mindfulness
raquo Low vocal tones
raquo Absorbed play
raquo Quiet corner bean bag
raquo Thinking time
raquo Regular quiet times
raquo Calming audio visualisations
raquo Laughter and lightness
raquo Plenty of nature time
Tips for soothing separation distress
Separation distress or anxiety is very common among children and Sunderland believes this distress can influence children even as old as eight
The changes of environment people routines and the number of other children they are interacting with can all cause spikes in cortisol creating those stress symptoms you might see mdash crying clinging tummy aches refusal to leave your side poor appetite restless sleep and even outbursts and tantrums
Remember this means the lsquodownstairs brainrsquo is registering threat mdash and is acting accordingly Remember too that the key stressor for children is separation from the most significant grownup who is their protector
As a starting point it is useful to explain to kids that new things places and people often make even adults feel those same feelings of being a little unsettled or anxious
Young children usually have strong imaginations and I have found that some small techniques that strengthen the connection to Mum or Dad while they are away from you can help lots
I have shared some of my strategies for dealing with separation anxiety in my article 10 Tips to Ease Separation Distress
Safe touchWhy is safe touch so important in caring relationships
Clinical studies at the American Academy of Paediatrics found that touch therapy helped premature newborn babies to gain weight It also improved asthmatic childrenrsquos breathing assisted in balancing glucose levels for diabetic children and lowered stress levels improving the immune system Researcher Tiffany Field PhD from the Touch Research Institute at the University of Miami believes that ldquotouch is as important to infants and children as eating and sleepingrdquo
Soothing touch triggers positive brain chemicals especially serotonin which quite literally soothes the nervous system of the whole child Other ways to soothe include rocking soothing calm sounds from a safe adult and listening to familiar songs or nursery rhymes
We do need to seriously reconsider the fear-driven perception we have around the safe touch of students A retired principal once told me that a lawyer had spoken to him about the legal perspective of being sued for inappropriate touching You can only be pursued legally if you have touched someone without their approval or consent This did not have to be verbal consent tacit approval was sufficient What this means is that when a child falls over or hurts his or herself and comes running with arms up for a hug we have their tacit approval Common-sense needs to prevail
What needs to happen in our homes and schools to ensure that our children know what safe touch entails is that we must educate our children around body safety and awareness No longer can we hope that a significant grown-up has given them some guidance In our highly sexualised world where explicit images and pornography can be found without even looking for them we must give our children the tools to be able to understand where touch is no longer safe for themselves or for others
How can we build more safe touch in our homes
01 If your young children find their way to your bed in the middle of the night because theyrsquore frightened welcome them immediately If you find it difficult to sleep with a squirming wriggling little one in your bed it is completely okay for one of the grown-ups to go and sleep in their bed (especially if your little one wonrsquot settle back into their bed) The important thing is to soothe the fear or the need to be close first One day you will miss the fact that they no longer turn up for a nightly snuggle
02 Be mindful of gentle touching your children more often ndash a gentle hand on the shoulder holding their hands ruffling their hair non-annoying tickling sitting really closely on the couch being really close when you read stories picking them up and holding them close in a hug secret handshakes and high fives all keep physical intimacy alive and well
03 Help your children to create a list of people they feel are safe to allow them to touch them respectfully We still need to be mindful that even the people in this safe circle need to be respectful of when children give their tacit approval to be held or touched My beautiful two-year-old granddaughter can be slow to warm when we first reconnect and I will always offer her a loving verbal greeting however with no pressure for her to respond equally She is just two and has a long way to go to understand the nuances of human interaction particularly communication Adolescents struggle in a similar way and again it is not a sign of disrespect ndash although it is often seen as that ndash or a sign that they donrsquot care for the people who are trying to communicate to them They also improve with continued growth of the prefrontal cortex
04 Each child will have a certain preference around safe touch Personal space is different for us all Some of our children particularly those with sensory processing disorder (SPD) or who are on the spectrum prefer not to be touched at all Some prefer very vigorous rugby style hugs others non-verbal gestures like a smile a wink or even a gentle nod of your head in their direction Some like to sit all over us ndash and often Some might like a gentle head massage or even a back tickle It can be really helpful when we follow their preferences and we are able to meet that hunger for safe touch
05 There is a special spot high up on the back below the neck (between the shoulders) that is particularly sensitive when touched in a gentle and slow way It has been called the tickle spot
It is a bit like an accelerator button that can trigger serotonin which is a calming brain chemical Sometimes in situations where we can see our children struggling gently stroking this spot can actually help them calm down and feel soothed I have used this spot often in the queue in shopping centres when my lads were starting to get restless
06 The calmer our children are the more receptive they will be to being touched in a loving way Sometimes when they are really stressed and could benefit from loving safe touch they reject it or push it away
07 It can be helpful having a conversation with those who are in your close parenting circle of family or friends about safe touch Tell those who you trust that you encourage safe touch I remember one of my sonrsquos best friends who was dealing with the sudden death of his dad telling my son that my hugs were all soft and squishy and they felt good Personally it took me a long time to be comfortable with other people touching me in a caring way and Irsquom a firm believer in the power of a good hug when itrsquos welcome
08 Sometimes being held with love by a trusted person can say more than any words
Dr Arthur Janov author of The Biology of Love (2000) argues that the absence of loving care early in life causes increased levels of stress for a person The result of this deprivation is high levels of cortisol that change the structure of the brain Brain scans taken of extremely violent young men show huge spaces in the pre-frontal lobe
It only takes one genuinely trustworthy person to use safe touch to reframe how a child sees the world and to reshape how their brains perceive safety and tenderness Our world needs more love kindness and gentleness right now and so let the conversation begin
Sibling conflict a normal part of family lifeldquoThere is no way around it Sibling rivalry is universal After all every human is genetically programmed to protect resources that will help him survive and your children depend on and compete for what are in fact precious resources mdash your time and attention
I found that parenting gets a lot easier when we as parents can do 3 very hard things
1 Regulate our emotions
2 Stay connected with our child even when wersquore setting limits or the child is upset
3 Coach instead of controlling by fostering emotional intelligence guiding with empathetic limits instead of punishment and supporting masteryrdquo
mdash Dr Laura Markham Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life (2015)
Sibling rivalry is indeed one of lifersquos great teachers Indeed it helps us learn how to get along with others It also helps put a bit more sensitivity into our feisty lsquoroosterrsquo children and a bit more lsquoroosterrsquo into our sensitive lambs when parenting children of different temperaments
I have written an article about sibling rivalry that offers more detail on where it comes from rivalry between roosters and lambs and how to manage it and how to turn aggression into awareness Read my article on sibling rivalry
How not to deal with sibling rivalryhellip
According to Dr Laura if we punish or are too permissive with our children around their fighting it only creates more fighting The reason for this is because if we are not demonstrating kindness and fairness to solve the issue our kids will model the same approach Your child will handle conflict the way you show them (Markham 2015)
Our children donrsquot learn to be empathetic compassionate human beings by being punished for sibling rivalry Instead they learn to do things simply to avoid punishment not to be intrinsically caring They donrsquot learn self-discipline (remember the Three Family Rules I wrote about earlier) they learn to use power over each other and it can make them fearful and more likely to be angry and depressed (Markham 2015)
Included in this notion of punishment are lsquotimeoutsrsquo Dr Laura and I are on the same page when it comes to thishellip timeouts can be another way of shaming our kids and disconnecting from the
When my four lads got into conflict I found a much better solution was to send them all outside together for five minutes for ldquoa change of sceneryrdquo Invariably after five minutes they wouldnrsquot bother coming back in because being outside had shifted their mood and they got caught up in a new game
So what does help
The key is to help siblings see the world through their siblingrsquos eyes ndash to show why something is not fair or may be unkind or just plain wrong
My suggestions
raquo Stay calm
raquo Ensure safety of all
raquo Make sense of what is happening
raquo Re-connect to family rules
raquo Avoid making quick judgements
raquo Allow calm down time while being nearby
raquo Connect with all parties in a warm way AFTERWARDS
OR Use a nudge
ldquoA nudge is essentially a means of encouraging or guiding behaviour but without mandating or instructing and ideally without the need for heavy financial incentives or sanctions Sometimes behaviour changes with a surprisingly light touchrdquo
mdash David Halpern Inside the Nudge Unit How small changes can make a big difference (2015)
Basically a nudge is a bit of gentle positive persuasion ndash hints suggestions helpful comments hellip
If you reduce friction a nudge can be a potent way of clearing the path to make it easy for people to do something that they probably already intended to do but had not got around to it
01 Unexpected small reward in private
02 A quiet thank you and a positive touch moment in private
03 Positive noticing
04 Mention good conflict solving at family meeting
05 Let kids hear you tell someone else how great they have been
06 Tell your kids they are smart and can work out ways to sort out conflict themselves
07 Change location when things get a bit lsquoouchyrsquo in a calm and warm way
08 Use lightness and novelty
09 Inspirational images around the house reminding everyone within that lsquolove lives herersquo and reflecting your familyrsquos values
Tips from Dr Laura01 Talk about feelings
02 Ask questions about feelings needs wants and choices
03 Explain and model ndash expect to repeat yourself
04 Practice finding win-win solutions
05 Model lsquoIrsquo statements ldquoI feel hellipBecause I wantneed hellip And I observed that hellip eg I feel worried because I want to get there on time and I see that you arenrsquot ready to leave yet so please put on your shoesrdquo
06 Model pro social behaviour
mdash Dr Laura Markham Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life (2015)
and alsoRead Dr Laurarsquos blog ldquoWhy punishment doesnrsquot teach your child accountabilityrdquo for more on punishment
Read her ldquoWhatrsquos Wrong With Timeoutsrdquo blog to find out why time outs are also not a great response to sibling conflicts
And her Siblings 101 blog has some fantastic tips for turning sibling rivalry around
You can find all of Dr Laura Markhamrsquos helpful blogs and her two Peaceful Parent books at wwwahaparentingcom
Your new role is as an interpreter mdash which is technically emotional coaching
And a few notes on some other dilemmas for anyone raising or working with childrenhellip
Telling liesEveryone tells lies
Some children are often frightened into telling lies
Explain the difference between black lies and white lies
Spend time honouring the truth
Read picture books about honesty ndash Franklin Fibs Aesoprsquos Fables Pig the Pug Fibber
I have done a video blog about when children tell lies so take a few minutes to watch that to hear my suggestions
Watch Telling Lies Blog
You might also be interested in this very interesting article talking about research that suggests children who are subjected to punitive methods of discipline are less likely to be honest
Tsunami of Technology ndash Keeping the Balance
The benefits of technology are a given However there are concerns and we need to be aware of those
Concerns to keep in mind
raquo Posture problems
raquo Learning the lsquoplay codersquo
raquo Impact on human communication amp intimacy
raquo Passivity
raquo Sleep issues
raquo Dopamine receptor changes
raquo Short sightedness
raquo Instant entertainment
raquo Language saturation
raquo Creativity
raquo Boredom
raquo Addictive usage
Recommendations
01 As little as possible under 5
02 Never allow screens in bedroom
03 Have excellent remote parental controls on all devices and PCsApples ndash I recommend you take a look at Family Zone
04 Make sure your children are only able to access Kids YouTube
05 Have clear boundaries especially at night
06 Keep in mind the use mdash educational vs entertainment
07 Best use is when there is interaction with others
08 Have a basket for all hand held screens including parentsrsquo around meal times or other together times
09 Check other parentsrsquo boundaries before allowing children to visit ndash be strong
10 Have techno free times for fun
I have a few articles and resources on screens at my common concerns page on screen time httpswwwmaggiedentcomcommon-concernsscreen-time
As a parent or adult caring for children be mindful of Digital Abandonment
Watch my video blog on Digital Abandonment in Modern Families
I am so impressed with the work being done on the digital dilemma for parents by Dr Kristy Goodwin Please take the time to check out her blog and her excellent book Raising Your Child in a Digital World httpdrkristygoodwincom
REFERENCES Dent M (2014) 9 Things A back-to-basics guide to calm common-sense connected parenting birth-8 Murwillumbah NSW Pennington Publications
Dent M (2016) Real Kids in an Unreal World Building resilience amp self-esteem in todayrsquos children Murwillumbah NSW Pennington Publications
Dent M (2003) Saving Our children from Our Chaotic World Teaching children the magic of silence and stillness Dunsborough WA Pennington Publications
Doidge N (2007) The Brain That Changes Itself Stories of personal triumph from the frontiers of brain science New York Viking
Fuller A (2007) Tricky kids Transforming conflict and freeing their potential Sydney Finch Publishing
Goleman D (1996) Emotional Intelligence Why it can matter more than IQ UK Bloomsbury Publishing
Goodwin K (2016) Raising Your Child in a Digital World Sydney Finch Publishing
Grille R (2008) Heart to Heart Parenting Nurturing your childrsquos emotional intelligence from conception to school age Sydney ABC Books
Grille R (2013) Parenting for a Peaceful World (second edition) Asheville NC Vox Cordis Press
Halpern D (2009) Inside the Nudge Unit How small changes can make a big difference UK WHAllen
Janov A (2000) The Biology of Love New York Prometheus Books
Jensen E (2006) Enriching the Brain San Francisco CA Jossey-Bass
Markham L (2015) Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life New York TarcherPerigree
Neufeld G amp Mateacute G (2005) Hold On to Your Kids Why parents need to matter more than peers New York Ballantine Books
Rando L (2010) Caring and Connected Parenting A guide to raising connected children from birth to 4 years CA USA The Spiritual Alliance to Stop Intimate Violence
Shanker S (2016) (with Teresa Barker) Self-Reg How to help your child (and you) break the stress cycle and successfully engage with life Penguin Press
Siegel D J MD amp Bryson T P PhD (2011) The Whole-Brain Child 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your childrsquos developing mind survive everyday parenting struggles and help your family thrive New York Delacorte Press
Sunderland M (2007) The Science of Parenting How todayrsquos brain research can help you raise happy emotionally balanced children New York DK Publishing
Thomas P (2006) Stress in Early Childhood Helping children and their carers ACT Australia Early Childhood Australia
amp some other good readsNaomi Aldort (2005) Raising Our Children Raising Ourselves
Marcy Axness (2012) Parenting for Peace Raising the next generation of peacemakers
All of Steve Biddulphrsquos books Raising Boys Raising Girls The New Manhood The Secret of Happy Childrenhellip
Breacutene Brown (2013) The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting Raising children with courage compassion amp connection Audio CD
Gary Chapman amp Ross Campbell (2012) The 5 Love Languages of Children
Shelley Davidow (2014) Raising Stress-Proof Kids Parenting todayrsquos children in tomorrowrsquos world
Carol Dweck (2012) Mindset The new psychology of success
Tim Gill (2007) No Fear Growing up in a risk averse society
Peter Gray (2013) Free to Learn Why unleashing the instinct to play will make our children happier more self-reliant and better students for life
Jo Jackson King (2010) Raising the Best Possible Child How to navigate parenting myths and bring up confident happy kids
Janet Lansbury (2014) Elevating Child Care A guide to respectful parenting AND No Bad Kids Toddler discipline without shame
Vanessa LaPointe (2015) Discipline Without Damage How to get your kids to behave without messing them up
Pam Leo (2007) Connection Parenting Parenting through connection instead of coercion through love instead of fear wwwConnectionParentingcom
Richard Louv (2005) Last Child in the Woods Saving our children from nature-deficit disorder
Laura Markham (2012) Peaceful Parent Happy Kids how to stop yelling and start connecting
Rachel Macy Stafford (2014) Hands Free Mama and her new book (2017) Only Love Today
Shefali Tsabary (2014) Out of Control Why disciplining your child doesnrsquot work and what will
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
raquo Call them up and say hello
raquo Make them laugh
Communicating compassionately with our children
Communication seems such a simple thing to do however poor communication is one of the key factors underlying conflict in our families We simply misunderstand each other
Being heard
Here are some phrases you might use that let your child know you are really hearing him or her
raquo ldquoLet me put this down so I can give you my full attentionrdquo
raquo ldquoWait a second while I turn off the TVradiocomputer so I can really hear yourdquo
raquo ldquoLetrsquos have some time together nowrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat would you like to do when we have our time together tomorrow afternoonrdquo
raquo ldquoSo what you mean isrdquo
raquo ldquoTell me more about thisrdquo
raquo ldquoIn other wordsrdquo
raquo ldquoLet me see if I understand you so farrdquo
raquo ldquoThat must have beenfor yourdquo
raquo ldquoAre you open to some feedback from merdquo
raquo ldquoNow thatrsquos interestingrdquo
raquo ldquoDoes that feel fair to yourdquo
raquo ldquoTell me what you were hoping to dordquo
raquo ldquoHow can we make this betterrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat do you think needs to happen nowrdquo
raquo ldquoSounds like youwe have a problemrdquo
raquo ldquoWhose problem is thisrdquo
raquo ldquoDoes that feel kind to yourdquo
raquo ldquoThere is a problem here How can I help you to sort it outrdquo
raquo ldquoCheck it out inside Does it feel rightrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat were you trying to do hererdquo
raquo ldquoDo you need my help right now to sort out what is happeningrdquo
raquo ldquoI know you can handle itrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat would you like to do nowrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat would a good friend do nowrdquo
raquo ldquoI noticed thatrdquo
raquo ldquoHaving a go is important mdash we canrsquot all win
Some secrets of positive parental communication
raquo Distraction
raquo Respectful caring requests
raquo Saying ldquoYes mdash Afterrdquo
raquo ldquoItrsquos just the right thing to dordquo
raquo Really listening
raquo Calm down time
Four steps to nurturing the inner genius in your child
1 Pause and become present
2 Ask ldquoDid you do that all by yourselfrdquo
3 Explain why the choice is one you would prefer they didnrsquot make again
4 Have them clean up the mess
Creating a family solution-seeking processldquo90 of childhood misbehaviour is the result of the developmental journeyrdquo
ndash Dr Gordon Neufeld Hold On to Your Kids (2005)
Essentially this means that childrenrsquos behaviour when it does not meet our expectations is not so much wrong or bad it is mainly children being children with a childrsquos mind and depth of experience If a childrsquos behaviour is inconvenient to us as an adult it too is not bad or wrong it is merely a normal part of the developmental journey of growing from child to adult Next time yoursquore frustrated and angry about your childrsquos behaviour pause take a deep breath and see if you can view that behaviour through the eyes of a child
One more thing is consider what we say to ourselves in our mind I so often hear the term lsquoattention seekingrsquo when talking about inappropriate behaviour in children If we could reframe that to ndash lsquolove seeking or connection seekingrsquo our response will be different
Family meetings are a wonderful way to resolve issues affirm values and rules and to connect Read my article on 10 Top Tips for a Successful Family Meeting
More on childrenrsquos anxietyRobin Grille in his book Heart to Heart Parenting (2008) outlines some of the things that are going on in a babyrsquos consciousness that I think are very helpful for is to keep in mind
raquo Babies feel everything far more intensely than do adults
raquo Babies cannot lie put on an act or pretend like older children What you see is what you get mdash complete emotional honesty
raquo Babies cannot plan or think ahead mdash all they do is to react
raquo Babies are incapable of influencing or manipulating anyone
raquo Babies do not understand time
raquo Babies have very little ability to soothe themselves
raquo Babies have no strong defences against pain or sorrow as they do not yet have the fight or flight response
raquo If babies learn that reaching out is rewarding they will become strong communicators able to connect with people more effectively
ldquoLow serotonin levels are a key component in many forms of aggression and violent behaviour Opiods are vital to diminish feelings of fear and stress so deactivation of opiods in parts of the brain leads to increases in negative feelings and stress and decreases in positive feelingsrdquo
mdash Margot Sunderland The Science of Parenting (2007)
Distress (chronic stress)
01 Halves neuron development
02 Reduces effectiveness of the dendrites
03 Reduces brain to lsquosurvivalrsquo mode rather than upper cognitive processing
04 Reduces blood supply to the brain
05 Stimulates emotional meltdowns
06 Impedes immune system
What happens to the body when it enters lsquoflight or fightrsquo state (Distress)
raquo Breathing becomes shallow
raquo The heart rate increases
raquo Blood pressure rises
raquo Adrenaline and cortisol hormones are released into the blood
raquo The senses are heightened
raquo The liver releases stored sugar into the blood
raquo Muscles tense and tighten
raquo Blood flow increases to the brain and major muscles and is constricted to the extremities
mdash Patrice Thomas Stress in Early Childhood (2006)
Calming our children ndash strategies Now that we have looked at many of the symptoms and causes of stress and anxiety I want to focus on ways to help calm our children and our homes classrooms and early years centres This first thing to bear in mind is
ldquoHappy Calm Children Learn Bestrdquo
mdash Daniel Goleman
This quote is so truehellip our children need to be happy and calm to learn at school and at home If they are stressed all their energy and enthusiasm will be diverted to dealing with that stress So letrsquos look at how to support them with this
Herersquos a summary of some of my resources to help your children with anxiety
ArticlesThe Importance of a Go-Slow Childhood 10 Tips to Ease Separation Distress The Invisible Enemy of Anxiety Childhood Stress
AudiosI have several audios to help with anxiety
SafeNSound and Sleepytime are for under 10s and are free from my website
My latest download for anxious children is called Soothing the Frightened Butterflies which costs $5 as a download This can really help build coping and calming strategies for anxious kids
Managing our own stress especially for busy mums is important and that may mean joining a class or group to try yoga tai chi meditation or mindfulness activities or sound relaxation mdash or you can do any of these things when you have some free time in your own home Try my free Moonlight Relaxation for Mums (and mother figures)
Soothing calming and relaxationThe opposite of stress and distress is calmness and feeling relaxed If a child clings to you she is trying to bring down a high body arousal level and high levels of stress chemicals She is trying to activate the positive brain chemicals that activate feelings of wellbeing Research shows that children who have been soothed quickly and frequently tend to become self-soothers and manage stress better (Sunderland 2007) Due to the neuroplasticity of the human brain calmness can be learned at any stage of life
Top tips for soothing Key ways to trigger oxytocin mdash the love neurotransmitter
01 Calm adults
02 Touch and massage mdash especially lsquotickle pointrsquo (high on back mdash stroke gently) Works with children of any age
03 Rocking
04 Sucking
05 Physical comforters mdash soft toys dummies blankets
06 Warmth approx 21 degrees C mdash (or cooling if child has a temperature)
07 Low soothing sounds familiar songs
08 Bathing in warm bath
09 Novelty mdash laughter
10 Avoid overstimulation especially loud voices noises too much chaos and too much change
My top three tips for parents to soothe our childrenrsquos worlds mdash The three lsquoSrsquos
01 Slow down mdash walk slower talk slower do less and allow an extra 15 minutes than you think you need to get children ready for a scheduled event like going to school Ask what you can take out of your life so that you can be a calmer parent especially in the early years mdash avoid wearing too many hats when your children are young
02 Soothe more mdash remember that brain chemicals flood our childrenrsquos brains quite irrationally and chaotically Reassure children that they are valued safe and that mistakes and accidents are normal
03 Create safety mdash is your home child friendly Can your children relax sometimes without being stressed to have your home looking like itrsquos a feature house in a House and Garden magazine Is there somewhere for introverted children to hide from people and the world to fill their energy cup
Parent tips for reducing stress in children
raquo Children benefit from calm quiet spaces in their world
raquo Avoid being rushed and hurried
raquo Use quiet voices with gentle tones
raquo Have regular quiet times in your home when all electronic stuff is turned off
raquo Allow children time just lsquoto bersquo and not always be busy
raquo Children sense their parentsrsquo stress and react to it mdash so reduce your stress
raquo Ensure children have good night sleep patterns
raquo Calmness can be learned mdash do a relaxation activity with them
raquo Avoid too much noise and visual stimulation in homes
raquo Avoid too much exposure to TVs computers smart phones and other electronic games and devices
raquo Create safe home environments with boundaries and routines
raquo Avoid too much significant change in childrenrsquos lives
raquo Avoid pressuring your children
raquo Soothing and reassuring children triggers oxytocin and calms children
mdash Maggie Dent Real Kids in an Unreal World (2nd edition 2016)
How to calm an overloaded nervous system in our homes centres amp classrooms
raquo Calm grown ups
raquo Routines and habits
raquo Silent sound signals
raquo Movement amp relaxation
raquo Calming music
raquo Mindfulness
raquo Low vocal tones
raquo Absorbed play
raquo Quiet corner bean bag
raquo Thinking time
raquo Regular quiet times
raquo Calming audio visualisations
raquo Laughter and lightness
raquo Plenty of nature time
Tips for soothing separation distress
Separation distress or anxiety is very common among children and Sunderland believes this distress can influence children even as old as eight
The changes of environment people routines and the number of other children they are interacting with can all cause spikes in cortisol creating those stress symptoms you might see mdash crying clinging tummy aches refusal to leave your side poor appetite restless sleep and even outbursts and tantrums
Remember this means the lsquodownstairs brainrsquo is registering threat mdash and is acting accordingly Remember too that the key stressor for children is separation from the most significant grownup who is their protector
As a starting point it is useful to explain to kids that new things places and people often make even adults feel those same feelings of being a little unsettled or anxious
Young children usually have strong imaginations and I have found that some small techniques that strengthen the connection to Mum or Dad while they are away from you can help lots
I have shared some of my strategies for dealing with separation anxiety in my article 10 Tips to Ease Separation Distress
Safe touchWhy is safe touch so important in caring relationships
Clinical studies at the American Academy of Paediatrics found that touch therapy helped premature newborn babies to gain weight It also improved asthmatic childrenrsquos breathing assisted in balancing glucose levels for diabetic children and lowered stress levels improving the immune system Researcher Tiffany Field PhD from the Touch Research Institute at the University of Miami believes that ldquotouch is as important to infants and children as eating and sleepingrdquo
Soothing touch triggers positive brain chemicals especially serotonin which quite literally soothes the nervous system of the whole child Other ways to soothe include rocking soothing calm sounds from a safe adult and listening to familiar songs or nursery rhymes
We do need to seriously reconsider the fear-driven perception we have around the safe touch of students A retired principal once told me that a lawyer had spoken to him about the legal perspective of being sued for inappropriate touching You can only be pursued legally if you have touched someone without their approval or consent This did not have to be verbal consent tacit approval was sufficient What this means is that when a child falls over or hurts his or herself and comes running with arms up for a hug we have their tacit approval Common-sense needs to prevail
What needs to happen in our homes and schools to ensure that our children know what safe touch entails is that we must educate our children around body safety and awareness No longer can we hope that a significant grown-up has given them some guidance In our highly sexualised world where explicit images and pornography can be found without even looking for them we must give our children the tools to be able to understand where touch is no longer safe for themselves or for others
How can we build more safe touch in our homes
01 If your young children find their way to your bed in the middle of the night because theyrsquore frightened welcome them immediately If you find it difficult to sleep with a squirming wriggling little one in your bed it is completely okay for one of the grown-ups to go and sleep in their bed (especially if your little one wonrsquot settle back into their bed) The important thing is to soothe the fear or the need to be close first One day you will miss the fact that they no longer turn up for a nightly snuggle
02 Be mindful of gentle touching your children more often ndash a gentle hand on the shoulder holding their hands ruffling their hair non-annoying tickling sitting really closely on the couch being really close when you read stories picking them up and holding them close in a hug secret handshakes and high fives all keep physical intimacy alive and well
03 Help your children to create a list of people they feel are safe to allow them to touch them respectfully We still need to be mindful that even the people in this safe circle need to be respectful of when children give their tacit approval to be held or touched My beautiful two-year-old granddaughter can be slow to warm when we first reconnect and I will always offer her a loving verbal greeting however with no pressure for her to respond equally She is just two and has a long way to go to understand the nuances of human interaction particularly communication Adolescents struggle in a similar way and again it is not a sign of disrespect ndash although it is often seen as that ndash or a sign that they donrsquot care for the people who are trying to communicate to them They also improve with continued growth of the prefrontal cortex
04 Each child will have a certain preference around safe touch Personal space is different for us all Some of our children particularly those with sensory processing disorder (SPD) or who are on the spectrum prefer not to be touched at all Some prefer very vigorous rugby style hugs others non-verbal gestures like a smile a wink or even a gentle nod of your head in their direction Some like to sit all over us ndash and often Some might like a gentle head massage or even a back tickle It can be really helpful when we follow their preferences and we are able to meet that hunger for safe touch
05 There is a special spot high up on the back below the neck (between the shoulders) that is particularly sensitive when touched in a gentle and slow way It has been called the tickle spot
It is a bit like an accelerator button that can trigger serotonin which is a calming brain chemical Sometimes in situations where we can see our children struggling gently stroking this spot can actually help them calm down and feel soothed I have used this spot often in the queue in shopping centres when my lads were starting to get restless
06 The calmer our children are the more receptive they will be to being touched in a loving way Sometimes when they are really stressed and could benefit from loving safe touch they reject it or push it away
07 It can be helpful having a conversation with those who are in your close parenting circle of family or friends about safe touch Tell those who you trust that you encourage safe touch I remember one of my sonrsquos best friends who was dealing with the sudden death of his dad telling my son that my hugs were all soft and squishy and they felt good Personally it took me a long time to be comfortable with other people touching me in a caring way and Irsquom a firm believer in the power of a good hug when itrsquos welcome
08 Sometimes being held with love by a trusted person can say more than any words
Dr Arthur Janov author of The Biology of Love (2000) argues that the absence of loving care early in life causes increased levels of stress for a person The result of this deprivation is high levels of cortisol that change the structure of the brain Brain scans taken of extremely violent young men show huge spaces in the pre-frontal lobe
It only takes one genuinely trustworthy person to use safe touch to reframe how a child sees the world and to reshape how their brains perceive safety and tenderness Our world needs more love kindness and gentleness right now and so let the conversation begin
Sibling conflict a normal part of family lifeldquoThere is no way around it Sibling rivalry is universal After all every human is genetically programmed to protect resources that will help him survive and your children depend on and compete for what are in fact precious resources mdash your time and attention
I found that parenting gets a lot easier when we as parents can do 3 very hard things
1 Regulate our emotions
2 Stay connected with our child even when wersquore setting limits or the child is upset
3 Coach instead of controlling by fostering emotional intelligence guiding with empathetic limits instead of punishment and supporting masteryrdquo
mdash Dr Laura Markham Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life (2015)
Sibling rivalry is indeed one of lifersquos great teachers Indeed it helps us learn how to get along with others It also helps put a bit more sensitivity into our feisty lsquoroosterrsquo children and a bit more lsquoroosterrsquo into our sensitive lambs when parenting children of different temperaments
I have written an article about sibling rivalry that offers more detail on where it comes from rivalry between roosters and lambs and how to manage it and how to turn aggression into awareness Read my article on sibling rivalry
How not to deal with sibling rivalryhellip
According to Dr Laura if we punish or are too permissive with our children around their fighting it only creates more fighting The reason for this is because if we are not demonstrating kindness and fairness to solve the issue our kids will model the same approach Your child will handle conflict the way you show them (Markham 2015)
Our children donrsquot learn to be empathetic compassionate human beings by being punished for sibling rivalry Instead they learn to do things simply to avoid punishment not to be intrinsically caring They donrsquot learn self-discipline (remember the Three Family Rules I wrote about earlier) they learn to use power over each other and it can make them fearful and more likely to be angry and depressed (Markham 2015)
Included in this notion of punishment are lsquotimeoutsrsquo Dr Laura and I are on the same page when it comes to thishellip timeouts can be another way of shaming our kids and disconnecting from the
When my four lads got into conflict I found a much better solution was to send them all outside together for five minutes for ldquoa change of sceneryrdquo Invariably after five minutes they wouldnrsquot bother coming back in because being outside had shifted their mood and they got caught up in a new game
So what does help
The key is to help siblings see the world through their siblingrsquos eyes ndash to show why something is not fair or may be unkind or just plain wrong
My suggestions
raquo Stay calm
raquo Ensure safety of all
raquo Make sense of what is happening
raquo Re-connect to family rules
raquo Avoid making quick judgements
raquo Allow calm down time while being nearby
raquo Connect with all parties in a warm way AFTERWARDS
OR Use a nudge
ldquoA nudge is essentially a means of encouraging or guiding behaviour but without mandating or instructing and ideally without the need for heavy financial incentives or sanctions Sometimes behaviour changes with a surprisingly light touchrdquo
mdash David Halpern Inside the Nudge Unit How small changes can make a big difference (2015)
Basically a nudge is a bit of gentle positive persuasion ndash hints suggestions helpful comments hellip
If you reduce friction a nudge can be a potent way of clearing the path to make it easy for people to do something that they probably already intended to do but had not got around to it
01 Unexpected small reward in private
02 A quiet thank you and a positive touch moment in private
03 Positive noticing
04 Mention good conflict solving at family meeting
05 Let kids hear you tell someone else how great they have been
06 Tell your kids they are smart and can work out ways to sort out conflict themselves
07 Change location when things get a bit lsquoouchyrsquo in a calm and warm way
08 Use lightness and novelty
09 Inspirational images around the house reminding everyone within that lsquolove lives herersquo and reflecting your familyrsquos values
Tips from Dr Laura01 Talk about feelings
02 Ask questions about feelings needs wants and choices
03 Explain and model ndash expect to repeat yourself
04 Practice finding win-win solutions
05 Model lsquoIrsquo statements ldquoI feel hellipBecause I wantneed hellip And I observed that hellip eg I feel worried because I want to get there on time and I see that you arenrsquot ready to leave yet so please put on your shoesrdquo
06 Model pro social behaviour
mdash Dr Laura Markham Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life (2015)
and alsoRead Dr Laurarsquos blog ldquoWhy punishment doesnrsquot teach your child accountabilityrdquo for more on punishment
Read her ldquoWhatrsquos Wrong With Timeoutsrdquo blog to find out why time outs are also not a great response to sibling conflicts
And her Siblings 101 blog has some fantastic tips for turning sibling rivalry around
You can find all of Dr Laura Markhamrsquos helpful blogs and her two Peaceful Parent books at wwwahaparentingcom
Your new role is as an interpreter mdash which is technically emotional coaching
And a few notes on some other dilemmas for anyone raising or working with childrenhellip
Telling liesEveryone tells lies
Some children are often frightened into telling lies
Explain the difference between black lies and white lies
Spend time honouring the truth
Read picture books about honesty ndash Franklin Fibs Aesoprsquos Fables Pig the Pug Fibber
I have done a video blog about when children tell lies so take a few minutes to watch that to hear my suggestions
Watch Telling Lies Blog
You might also be interested in this very interesting article talking about research that suggests children who are subjected to punitive methods of discipline are less likely to be honest
Tsunami of Technology ndash Keeping the Balance
The benefits of technology are a given However there are concerns and we need to be aware of those
Concerns to keep in mind
raquo Posture problems
raquo Learning the lsquoplay codersquo
raquo Impact on human communication amp intimacy
raquo Passivity
raquo Sleep issues
raquo Dopamine receptor changes
raquo Short sightedness
raquo Instant entertainment
raquo Language saturation
raquo Creativity
raquo Boredom
raquo Addictive usage
Recommendations
01 As little as possible under 5
02 Never allow screens in bedroom
03 Have excellent remote parental controls on all devices and PCsApples ndash I recommend you take a look at Family Zone
04 Make sure your children are only able to access Kids YouTube
05 Have clear boundaries especially at night
06 Keep in mind the use mdash educational vs entertainment
07 Best use is when there is interaction with others
08 Have a basket for all hand held screens including parentsrsquo around meal times or other together times
09 Check other parentsrsquo boundaries before allowing children to visit ndash be strong
10 Have techno free times for fun
I have a few articles and resources on screens at my common concerns page on screen time httpswwwmaggiedentcomcommon-concernsscreen-time
As a parent or adult caring for children be mindful of Digital Abandonment
Watch my video blog on Digital Abandonment in Modern Families
I am so impressed with the work being done on the digital dilemma for parents by Dr Kristy Goodwin Please take the time to check out her blog and her excellent book Raising Your Child in a Digital World httpdrkristygoodwincom
REFERENCES Dent M (2014) 9 Things A back-to-basics guide to calm common-sense connected parenting birth-8 Murwillumbah NSW Pennington Publications
Dent M (2016) Real Kids in an Unreal World Building resilience amp self-esteem in todayrsquos children Murwillumbah NSW Pennington Publications
Dent M (2003) Saving Our children from Our Chaotic World Teaching children the magic of silence and stillness Dunsborough WA Pennington Publications
Doidge N (2007) The Brain That Changes Itself Stories of personal triumph from the frontiers of brain science New York Viking
Fuller A (2007) Tricky kids Transforming conflict and freeing their potential Sydney Finch Publishing
Goleman D (1996) Emotional Intelligence Why it can matter more than IQ UK Bloomsbury Publishing
Goodwin K (2016) Raising Your Child in a Digital World Sydney Finch Publishing
Grille R (2008) Heart to Heart Parenting Nurturing your childrsquos emotional intelligence from conception to school age Sydney ABC Books
Grille R (2013) Parenting for a Peaceful World (second edition) Asheville NC Vox Cordis Press
Halpern D (2009) Inside the Nudge Unit How small changes can make a big difference UK WHAllen
Janov A (2000) The Biology of Love New York Prometheus Books
Jensen E (2006) Enriching the Brain San Francisco CA Jossey-Bass
Markham L (2015) Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life New York TarcherPerigree
Neufeld G amp Mateacute G (2005) Hold On to Your Kids Why parents need to matter more than peers New York Ballantine Books
Rando L (2010) Caring and Connected Parenting A guide to raising connected children from birth to 4 years CA USA The Spiritual Alliance to Stop Intimate Violence
Shanker S (2016) (with Teresa Barker) Self-Reg How to help your child (and you) break the stress cycle and successfully engage with life Penguin Press
Siegel D J MD amp Bryson T P PhD (2011) The Whole-Brain Child 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your childrsquos developing mind survive everyday parenting struggles and help your family thrive New York Delacorte Press
Sunderland M (2007) The Science of Parenting How todayrsquos brain research can help you raise happy emotionally balanced children New York DK Publishing
Thomas P (2006) Stress in Early Childhood Helping children and their carers ACT Australia Early Childhood Australia
amp some other good readsNaomi Aldort (2005) Raising Our Children Raising Ourselves
Marcy Axness (2012) Parenting for Peace Raising the next generation of peacemakers
All of Steve Biddulphrsquos books Raising Boys Raising Girls The New Manhood The Secret of Happy Childrenhellip
Breacutene Brown (2013) The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting Raising children with courage compassion amp connection Audio CD
Gary Chapman amp Ross Campbell (2012) The 5 Love Languages of Children
Shelley Davidow (2014) Raising Stress-Proof Kids Parenting todayrsquos children in tomorrowrsquos world
Carol Dweck (2012) Mindset The new psychology of success
Tim Gill (2007) No Fear Growing up in a risk averse society
Peter Gray (2013) Free to Learn Why unleashing the instinct to play will make our children happier more self-reliant and better students for life
Jo Jackson King (2010) Raising the Best Possible Child How to navigate parenting myths and bring up confident happy kids
Janet Lansbury (2014) Elevating Child Care A guide to respectful parenting AND No Bad Kids Toddler discipline without shame
Vanessa LaPointe (2015) Discipline Without Damage How to get your kids to behave without messing them up
Pam Leo (2007) Connection Parenting Parenting through connection instead of coercion through love instead of fear wwwConnectionParentingcom
Richard Louv (2005) Last Child in the Woods Saving our children from nature-deficit disorder
Laura Markham (2012) Peaceful Parent Happy Kids how to stop yelling and start connecting
Rachel Macy Stafford (2014) Hands Free Mama and her new book (2017) Only Love Today
Shefali Tsabary (2014) Out of Control Why disciplining your child doesnrsquot work and what will
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
raquo ldquoWhat do you think needs to happen nowrdquo
raquo ldquoSounds like youwe have a problemrdquo
raquo ldquoWhose problem is thisrdquo
raquo ldquoDoes that feel kind to yourdquo
raquo ldquoThere is a problem here How can I help you to sort it outrdquo
raquo ldquoCheck it out inside Does it feel rightrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat were you trying to do hererdquo
raquo ldquoDo you need my help right now to sort out what is happeningrdquo
raquo ldquoI know you can handle itrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat would you like to do nowrdquo
raquo ldquoWhat would a good friend do nowrdquo
raquo ldquoI noticed thatrdquo
raquo ldquoHaving a go is important mdash we canrsquot all win
Some secrets of positive parental communication
raquo Distraction
raquo Respectful caring requests
raquo Saying ldquoYes mdash Afterrdquo
raquo ldquoItrsquos just the right thing to dordquo
raquo Really listening
raquo Calm down time
Four steps to nurturing the inner genius in your child
1 Pause and become present
2 Ask ldquoDid you do that all by yourselfrdquo
3 Explain why the choice is one you would prefer they didnrsquot make again
4 Have them clean up the mess
Creating a family solution-seeking processldquo90 of childhood misbehaviour is the result of the developmental journeyrdquo
ndash Dr Gordon Neufeld Hold On to Your Kids (2005)
Essentially this means that childrenrsquos behaviour when it does not meet our expectations is not so much wrong or bad it is mainly children being children with a childrsquos mind and depth of experience If a childrsquos behaviour is inconvenient to us as an adult it too is not bad or wrong it is merely a normal part of the developmental journey of growing from child to adult Next time yoursquore frustrated and angry about your childrsquos behaviour pause take a deep breath and see if you can view that behaviour through the eyes of a child
One more thing is consider what we say to ourselves in our mind I so often hear the term lsquoattention seekingrsquo when talking about inappropriate behaviour in children If we could reframe that to ndash lsquolove seeking or connection seekingrsquo our response will be different
Family meetings are a wonderful way to resolve issues affirm values and rules and to connect Read my article on 10 Top Tips for a Successful Family Meeting
More on childrenrsquos anxietyRobin Grille in his book Heart to Heart Parenting (2008) outlines some of the things that are going on in a babyrsquos consciousness that I think are very helpful for is to keep in mind
raquo Babies feel everything far more intensely than do adults
raquo Babies cannot lie put on an act or pretend like older children What you see is what you get mdash complete emotional honesty
raquo Babies cannot plan or think ahead mdash all they do is to react
raquo Babies are incapable of influencing or manipulating anyone
raquo Babies do not understand time
raquo Babies have very little ability to soothe themselves
raquo Babies have no strong defences against pain or sorrow as they do not yet have the fight or flight response
raquo If babies learn that reaching out is rewarding they will become strong communicators able to connect with people more effectively
ldquoLow serotonin levels are a key component in many forms of aggression and violent behaviour Opiods are vital to diminish feelings of fear and stress so deactivation of opiods in parts of the brain leads to increases in negative feelings and stress and decreases in positive feelingsrdquo
mdash Margot Sunderland The Science of Parenting (2007)
Distress (chronic stress)
01 Halves neuron development
02 Reduces effectiveness of the dendrites
03 Reduces brain to lsquosurvivalrsquo mode rather than upper cognitive processing
04 Reduces blood supply to the brain
05 Stimulates emotional meltdowns
06 Impedes immune system
What happens to the body when it enters lsquoflight or fightrsquo state (Distress)
raquo Breathing becomes shallow
raquo The heart rate increases
raquo Blood pressure rises
raquo Adrenaline and cortisol hormones are released into the blood
raquo The senses are heightened
raquo The liver releases stored sugar into the blood
raquo Muscles tense and tighten
raquo Blood flow increases to the brain and major muscles and is constricted to the extremities
mdash Patrice Thomas Stress in Early Childhood (2006)
Calming our children ndash strategies Now that we have looked at many of the symptoms and causes of stress and anxiety I want to focus on ways to help calm our children and our homes classrooms and early years centres This first thing to bear in mind is
ldquoHappy Calm Children Learn Bestrdquo
mdash Daniel Goleman
This quote is so truehellip our children need to be happy and calm to learn at school and at home If they are stressed all their energy and enthusiasm will be diverted to dealing with that stress So letrsquos look at how to support them with this
Herersquos a summary of some of my resources to help your children with anxiety
ArticlesThe Importance of a Go-Slow Childhood 10 Tips to Ease Separation Distress The Invisible Enemy of Anxiety Childhood Stress
AudiosI have several audios to help with anxiety
SafeNSound and Sleepytime are for under 10s and are free from my website
My latest download for anxious children is called Soothing the Frightened Butterflies which costs $5 as a download This can really help build coping and calming strategies for anxious kids
Managing our own stress especially for busy mums is important and that may mean joining a class or group to try yoga tai chi meditation or mindfulness activities or sound relaxation mdash or you can do any of these things when you have some free time in your own home Try my free Moonlight Relaxation for Mums (and mother figures)
Soothing calming and relaxationThe opposite of stress and distress is calmness and feeling relaxed If a child clings to you she is trying to bring down a high body arousal level and high levels of stress chemicals She is trying to activate the positive brain chemicals that activate feelings of wellbeing Research shows that children who have been soothed quickly and frequently tend to become self-soothers and manage stress better (Sunderland 2007) Due to the neuroplasticity of the human brain calmness can be learned at any stage of life
Top tips for soothing Key ways to trigger oxytocin mdash the love neurotransmitter
01 Calm adults
02 Touch and massage mdash especially lsquotickle pointrsquo (high on back mdash stroke gently) Works with children of any age
03 Rocking
04 Sucking
05 Physical comforters mdash soft toys dummies blankets
06 Warmth approx 21 degrees C mdash (or cooling if child has a temperature)
07 Low soothing sounds familiar songs
08 Bathing in warm bath
09 Novelty mdash laughter
10 Avoid overstimulation especially loud voices noises too much chaos and too much change
My top three tips for parents to soothe our childrenrsquos worlds mdash The three lsquoSrsquos
01 Slow down mdash walk slower talk slower do less and allow an extra 15 minutes than you think you need to get children ready for a scheduled event like going to school Ask what you can take out of your life so that you can be a calmer parent especially in the early years mdash avoid wearing too many hats when your children are young
02 Soothe more mdash remember that brain chemicals flood our childrenrsquos brains quite irrationally and chaotically Reassure children that they are valued safe and that mistakes and accidents are normal
03 Create safety mdash is your home child friendly Can your children relax sometimes without being stressed to have your home looking like itrsquos a feature house in a House and Garden magazine Is there somewhere for introverted children to hide from people and the world to fill their energy cup
Parent tips for reducing stress in children
raquo Children benefit from calm quiet spaces in their world
raquo Avoid being rushed and hurried
raquo Use quiet voices with gentle tones
raquo Have regular quiet times in your home when all electronic stuff is turned off
raquo Allow children time just lsquoto bersquo and not always be busy
raquo Children sense their parentsrsquo stress and react to it mdash so reduce your stress
raquo Ensure children have good night sleep patterns
raquo Calmness can be learned mdash do a relaxation activity with them
raquo Avoid too much noise and visual stimulation in homes
raquo Avoid too much exposure to TVs computers smart phones and other electronic games and devices
raquo Create safe home environments with boundaries and routines
raquo Avoid too much significant change in childrenrsquos lives
raquo Avoid pressuring your children
raquo Soothing and reassuring children triggers oxytocin and calms children
mdash Maggie Dent Real Kids in an Unreal World (2nd edition 2016)
How to calm an overloaded nervous system in our homes centres amp classrooms
raquo Calm grown ups
raquo Routines and habits
raquo Silent sound signals
raquo Movement amp relaxation
raquo Calming music
raquo Mindfulness
raquo Low vocal tones
raquo Absorbed play
raquo Quiet corner bean bag
raquo Thinking time
raquo Regular quiet times
raquo Calming audio visualisations
raquo Laughter and lightness
raquo Plenty of nature time
Tips for soothing separation distress
Separation distress or anxiety is very common among children and Sunderland believes this distress can influence children even as old as eight
The changes of environment people routines and the number of other children they are interacting with can all cause spikes in cortisol creating those stress symptoms you might see mdash crying clinging tummy aches refusal to leave your side poor appetite restless sleep and even outbursts and tantrums
Remember this means the lsquodownstairs brainrsquo is registering threat mdash and is acting accordingly Remember too that the key stressor for children is separation from the most significant grownup who is their protector
As a starting point it is useful to explain to kids that new things places and people often make even adults feel those same feelings of being a little unsettled or anxious
Young children usually have strong imaginations and I have found that some small techniques that strengthen the connection to Mum or Dad while they are away from you can help lots
I have shared some of my strategies for dealing with separation anxiety in my article 10 Tips to Ease Separation Distress
Safe touchWhy is safe touch so important in caring relationships
Clinical studies at the American Academy of Paediatrics found that touch therapy helped premature newborn babies to gain weight It also improved asthmatic childrenrsquos breathing assisted in balancing glucose levels for diabetic children and lowered stress levels improving the immune system Researcher Tiffany Field PhD from the Touch Research Institute at the University of Miami believes that ldquotouch is as important to infants and children as eating and sleepingrdquo
Soothing touch triggers positive brain chemicals especially serotonin which quite literally soothes the nervous system of the whole child Other ways to soothe include rocking soothing calm sounds from a safe adult and listening to familiar songs or nursery rhymes
We do need to seriously reconsider the fear-driven perception we have around the safe touch of students A retired principal once told me that a lawyer had spoken to him about the legal perspective of being sued for inappropriate touching You can only be pursued legally if you have touched someone without their approval or consent This did not have to be verbal consent tacit approval was sufficient What this means is that when a child falls over or hurts his or herself and comes running with arms up for a hug we have their tacit approval Common-sense needs to prevail
What needs to happen in our homes and schools to ensure that our children know what safe touch entails is that we must educate our children around body safety and awareness No longer can we hope that a significant grown-up has given them some guidance In our highly sexualised world where explicit images and pornography can be found without even looking for them we must give our children the tools to be able to understand where touch is no longer safe for themselves or for others
How can we build more safe touch in our homes
01 If your young children find their way to your bed in the middle of the night because theyrsquore frightened welcome them immediately If you find it difficult to sleep with a squirming wriggling little one in your bed it is completely okay for one of the grown-ups to go and sleep in their bed (especially if your little one wonrsquot settle back into their bed) The important thing is to soothe the fear or the need to be close first One day you will miss the fact that they no longer turn up for a nightly snuggle
02 Be mindful of gentle touching your children more often ndash a gentle hand on the shoulder holding their hands ruffling their hair non-annoying tickling sitting really closely on the couch being really close when you read stories picking them up and holding them close in a hug secret handshakes and high fives all keep physical intimacy alive and well
03 Help your children to create a list of people they feel are safe to allow them to touch them respectfully We still need to be mindful that even the people in this safe circle need to be respectful of when children give their tacit approval to be held or touched My beautiful two-year-old granddaughter can be slow to warm when we first reconnect and I will always offer her a loving verbal greeting however with no pressure for her to respond equally She is just two and has a long way to go to understand the nuances of human interaction particularly communication Adolescents struggle in a similar way and again it is not a sign of disrespect ndash although it is often seen as that ndash or a sign that they donrsquot care for the people who are trying to communicate to them They also improve with continued growth of the prefrontal cortex
04 Each child will have a certain preference around safe touch Personal space is different for us all Some of our children particularly those with sensory processing disorder (SPD) or who are on the spectrum prefer not to be touched at all Some prefer very vigorous rugby style hugs others non-verbal gestures like a smile a wink or even a gentle nod of your head in their direction Some like to sit all over us ndash and often Some might like a gentle head massage or even a back tickle It can be really helpful when we follow their preferences and we are able to meet that hunger for safe touch
05 There is a special spot high up on the back below the neck (between the shoulders) that is particularly sensitive when touched in a gentle and slow way It has been called the tickle spot
It is a bit like an accelerator button that can trigger serotonin which is a calming brain chemical Sometimes in situations where we can see our children struggling gently stroking this spot can actually help them calm down and feel soothed I have used this spot often in the queue in shopping centres when my lads were starting to get restless
06 The calmer our children are the more receptive they will be to being touched in a loving way Sometimes when they are really stressed and could benefit from loving safe touch they reject it or push it away
07 It can be helpful having a conversation with those who are in your close parenting circle of family or friends about safe touch Tell those who you trust that you encourage safe touch I remember one of my sonrsquos best friends who was dealing with the sudden death of his dad telling my son that my hugs were all soft and squishy and they felt good Personally it took me a long time to be comfortable with other people touching me in a caring way and Irsquom a firm believer in the power of a good hug when itrsquos welcome
08 Sometimes being held with love by a trusted person can say more than any words
Dr Arthur Janov author of The Biology of Love (2000) argues that the absence of loving care early in life causes increased levels of stress for a person The result of this deprivation is high levels of cortisol that change the structure of the brain Brain scans taken of extremely violent young men show huge spaces in the pre-frontal lobe
It only takes one genuinely trustworthy person to use safe touch to reframe how a child sees the world and to reshape how their brains perceive safety and tenderness Our world needs more love kindness and gentleness right now and so let the conversation begin
Sibling conflict a normal part of family lifeldquoThere is no way around it Sibling rivalry is universal After all every human is genetically programmed to protect resources that will help him survive and your children depend on and compete for what are in fact precious resources mdash your time and attention
I found that parenting gets a lot easier when we as parents can do 3 very hard things
1 Regulate our emotions
2 Stay connected with our child even when wersquore setting limits or the child is upset
3 Coach instead of controlling by fostering emotional intelligence guiding with empathetic limits instead of punishment and supporting masteryrdquo
mdash Dr Laura Markham Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life (2015)
Sibling rivalry is indeed one of lifersquos great teachers Indeed it helps us learn how to get along with others It also helps put a bit more sensitivity into our feisty lsquoroosterrsquo children and a bit more lsquoroosterrsquo into our sensitive lambs when parenting children of different temperaments
I have written an article about sibling rivalry that offers more detail on where it comes from rivalry between roosters and lambs and how to manage it and how to turn aggression into awareness Read my article on sibling rivalry
How not to deal with sibling rivalryhellip
According to Dr Laura if we punish or are too permissive with our children around their fighting it only creates more fighting The reason for this is because if we are not demonstrating kindness and fairness to solve the issue our kids will model the same approach Your child will handle conflict the way you show them (Markham 2015)
Our children donrsquot learn to be empathetic compassionate human beings by being punished for sibling rivalry Instead they learn to do things simply to avoid punishment not to be intrinsically caring They donrsquot learn self-discipline (remember the Three Family Rules I wrote about earlier) they learn to use power over each other and it can make them fearful and more likely to be angry and depressed (Markham 2015)
Included in this notion of punishment are lsquotimeoutsrsquo Dr Laura and I are on the same page when it comes to thishellip timeouts can be another way of shaming our kids and disconnecting from the
When my four lads got into conflict I found a much better solution was to send them all outside together for five minutes for ldquoa change of sceneryrdquo Invariably after five minutes they wouldnrsquot bother coming back in because being outside had shifted their mood and they got caught up in a new game
So what does help
The key is to help siblings see the world through their siblingrsquos eyes ndash to show why something is not fair or may be unkind or just plain wrong
My suggestions
raquo Stay calm
raquo Ensure safety of all
raquo Make sense of what is happening
raquo Re-connect to family rules
raquo Avoid making quick judgements
raquo Allow calm down time while being nearby
raquo Connect with all parties in a warm way AFTERWARDS
OR Use a nudge
ldquoA nudge is essentially a means of encouraging or guiding behaviour but without mandating or instructing and ideally without the need for heavy financial incentives or sanctions Sometimes behaviour changes with a surprisingly light touchrdquo
mdash David Halpern Inside the Nudge Unit How small changes can make a big difference (2015)
Basically a nudge is a bit of gentle positive persuasion ndash hints suggestions helpful comments hellip
If you reduce friction a nudge can be a potent way of clearing the path to make it easy for people to do something that they probably already intended to do but had not got around to it
01 Unexpected small reward in private
02 A quiet thank you and a positive touch moment in private
03 Positive noticing
04 Mention good conflict solving at family meeting
05 Let kids hear you tell someone else how great they have been
06 Tell your kids they are smart and can work out ways to sort out conflict themselves
07 Change location when things get a bit lsquoouchyrsquo in a calm and warm way
08 Use lightness and novelty
09 Inspirational images around the house reminding everyone within that lsquolove lives herersquo and reflecting your familyrsquos values
Tips from Dr Laura01 Talk about feelings
02 Ask questions about feelings needs wants and choices
03 Explain and model ndash expect to repeat yourself
04 Practice finding win-win solutions
05 Model lsquoIrsquo statements ldquoI feel hellipBecause I wantneed hellip And I observed that hellip eg I feel worried because I want to get there on time and I see that you arenrsquot ready to leave yet so please put on your shoesrdquo
06 Model pro social behaviour
mdash Dr Laura Markham Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life (2015)
and alsoRead Dr Laurarsquos blog ldquoWhy punishment doesnrsquot teach your child accountabilityrdquo for more on punishment
Read her ldquoWhatrsquos Wrong With Timeoutsrdquo blog to find out why time outs are also not a great response to sibling conflicts
And her Siblings 101 blog has some fantastic tips for turning sibling rivalry around
You can find all of Dr Laura Markhamrsquos helpful blogs and her two Peaceful Parent books at wwwahaparentingcom
Your new role is as an interpreter mdash which is technically emotional coaching
And a few notes on some other dilemmas for anyone raising or working with childrenhellip
Telling liesEveryone tells lies
Some children are often frightened into telling lies
Explain the difference between black lies and white lies
Spend time honouring the truth
Read picture books about honesty ndash Franklin Fibs Aesoprsquos Fables Pig the Pug Fibber
I have done a video blog about when children tell lies so take a few minutes to watch that to hear my suggestions
Watch Telling Lies Blog
You might also be interested in this very interesting article talking about research that suggests children who are subjected to punitive methods of discipline are less likely to be honest
Tsunami of Technology ndash Keeping the Balance
The benefits of technology are a given However there are concerns and we need to be aware of those
Concerns to keep in mind
raquo Posture problems
raquo Learning the lsquoplay codersquo
raquo Impact on human communication amp intimacy
raquo Passivity
raquo Sleep issues
raquo Dopamine receptor changes
raquo Short sightedness
raquo Instant entertainment
raquo Language saturation
raquo Creativity
raquo Boredom
raquo Addictive usage
Recommendations
01 As little as possible under 5
02 Never allow screens in bedroom
03 Have excellent remote parental controls on all devices and PCsApples ndash I recommend you take a look at Family Zone
04 Make sure your children are only able to access Kids YouTube
05 Have clear boundaries especially at night
06 Keep in mind the use mdash educational vs entertainment
07 Best use is when there is interaction with others
08 Have a basket for all hand held screens including parentsrsquo around meal times or other together times
09 Check other parentsrsquo boundaries before allowing children to visit ndash be strong
10 Have techno free times for fun
I have a few articles and resources on screens at my common concerns page on screen time httpswwwmaggiedentcomcommon-concernsscreen-time
As a parent or adult caring for children be mindful of Digital Abandonment
Watch my video blog on Digital Abandonment in Modern Families
I am so impressed with the work being done on the digital dilemma for parents by Dr Kristy Goodwin Please take the time to check out her blog and her excellent book Raising Your Child in a Digital World httpdrkristygoodwincom
REFERENCES Dent M (2014) 9 Things A back-to-basics guide to calm common-sense connected parenting birth-8 Murwillumbah NSW Pennington Publications
Dent M (2016) Real Kids in an Unreal World Building resilience amp self-esteem in todayrsquos children Murwillumbah NSW Pennington Publications
Dent M (2003) Saving Our children from Our Chaotic World Teaching children the magic of silence and stillness Dunsborough WA Pennington Publications
Doidge N (2007) The Brain That Changes Itself Stories of personal triumph from the frontiers of brain science New York Viking
Fuller A (2007) Tricky kids Transforming conflict and freeing their potential Sydney Finch Publishing
Goleman D (1996) Emotional Intelligence Why it can matter more than IQ UK Bloomsbury Publishing
Goodwin K (2016) Raising Your Child in a Digital World Sydney Finch Publishing
Grille R (2008) Heart to Heart Parenting Nurturing your childrsquos emotional intelligence from conception to school age Sydney ABC Books
Grille R (2013) Parenting for a Peaceful World (second edition) Asheville NC Vox Cordis Press
Halpern D (2009) Inside the Nudge Unit How small changes can make a big difference UK WHAllen
Janov A (2000) The Biology of Love New York Prometheus Books
Jensen E (2006) Enriching the Brain San Francisco CA Jossey-Bass
Markham L (2015) Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life New York TarcherPerigree
Neufeld G amp Mateacute G (2005) Hold On to Your Kids Why parents need to matter more than peers New York Ballantine Books
Rando L (2010) Caring and Connected Parenting A guide to raising connected children from birth to 4 years CA USA The Spiritual Alliance to Stop Intimate Violence
Shanker S (2016) (with Teresa Barker) Self-Reg How to help your child (and you) break the stress cycle and successfully engage with life Penguin Press
Siegel D J MD amp Bryson T P PhD (2011) The Whole-Brain Child 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your childrsquos developing mind survive everyday parenting struggles and help your family thrive New York Delacorte Press
Sunderland M (2007) The Science of Parenting How todayrsquos brain research can help you raise happy emotionally balanced children New York DK Publishing
Thomas P (2006) Stress in Early Childhood Helping children and their carers ACT Australia Early Childhood Australia
amp some other good readsNaomi Aldort (2005) Raising Our Children Raising Ourselves
Marcy Axness (2012) Parenting for Peace Raising the next generation of peacemakers
All of Steve Biddulphrsquos books Raising Boys Raising Girls The New Manhood The Secret of Happy Childrenhellip
Breacutene Brown (2013) The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting Raising children with courage compassion amp connection Audio CD
Gary Chapman amp Ross Campbell (2012) The 5 Love Languages of Children
Shelley Davidow (2014) Raising Stress-Proof Kids Parenting todayrsquos children in tomorrowrsquos world
Carol Dweck (2012) Mindset The new psychology of success
Tim Gill (2007) No Fear Growing up in a risk averse society
Peter Gray (2013) Free to Learn Why unleashing the instinct to play will make our children happier more self-reliant and better students for life
Jo Jackson King (2010) Raising the Best Possible Child How to navigate parenting myths and bring up confident happy kids
Janet Lansbury (2014) Elevating Child Care A guide to respectful parenting AND No Bad Kids Toddler discipline without shame
Vanessa LaPointe (2015) Discipline Without Damage How to get your kids to behave without messing them up
Pam Leo (2007) Connection Parenting Parenting through connection instead of coercion through love instead of fear wwwConnectionParentingcom
Richard Louv (2005) Last Child in the Woods Saving our children from nature-deficit disorder
Laura Markham (2012) Peaceful Parent Happy Kids how to stop yelling and start connecting
Rachel Macy Stafford (2014) Hands Free Mama and her new book (2017) Only Love Today
Shefali Tsabary (2014) Out of Control Why disciplining your child doesnrsquot work and what will
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
Creating a family solution-seeking processldquo90 of childhood misbehaviour is the result of the developmental journeyrdquo
ndash Dr Gordon Neufeld Hold On to Your Kids (2005)
Essentially this means that childrenrsquos behaviour when it does not meet our expectations is not so much wrong or bad it is mainly children being children with a childrsquos mind and depth of experience If a childrsquos behaviour is inconvenient to us as an adult it too is not bad or wrong it is merely a normal part of the developmental journey of growing from child to adult Next time yoursquore frustrated and angry about your childrsquos behaviour pause take a deep breath and see if you can view that behaviour through the eyes of a child
One more thing is consider what we say to ourselves in our mind I so often hear the term lsquoattention seekingrsquo when talking about inappropriate behaviour in children If we could reframe that to ndash lsquolove seeking or connection seekingrsquo our response will be different
Family meetings are a wonderful way to resolve issues affirm values and rules and to connect Read my article on 10 Top Tips for a Successful Family Meeting
More on childrenrsquos anxietyRobin Grille in his book Heart to Heart Parenting (2008) outlines some of the things that are going on in a babyrsquos consciousness that I think are very helpful for is to keep in mind
raquo Babies feel everything far more intensely than do adults
raquo Babies cannot lie put on an act or pretend like older children What you see is what you get mdash complete emotional honesty
raquo Babies cannot plan or think ahead mdash all they do is to react
raquo Babies are incapable of influencing or manipulating anyone
raquo Babies do not understand time
raquo Babies have very little ability to soothe themselves
raquo Babies have no strong defences against pain or sorrow as they do not yet have the fight or flight response
raquo If babies learn that reaching out is rewarding they will become strong communicators able to connect with people more effectively
ldquoLow serotonin levels are a key component in many forms of aggression and violent behaviour Opiods are vital to diminish feelings of fear and stress so deactivation of opiods in parts of the brain leads to increases in negative feelings and stress and decreases in positive feelingsrdquo
mdash Margot Sunderland The Science of Parenting (2007)
Distress (chronic stress)
01 Halves neuron development
02 Reduces effectiveness of the dendrites
03 Reduces brain to lsquosurvivalrsquo mode rather than upper cognitive processing
04 Reduces blood supply to the brain
05 Stimulates emotional meltdowns
06 Impedes immune system
What happens to the body when it enters lsquoflight or fightrsquo state (Distress)
raquo Breathing becomes shallow
raquo The heart rate increases
raquo Blood pressure rises
raquo Adrenaline and cortisol hormones are released into the blood
raquo The senses are heightened
raquo The liver releases stored sugar into the blood
raquo Muscles tense and tighten
raquo Blood flow increases to the brain and major muscles and is constricted to the extremities
mdash Patrice Thomas Stress in Early Childhood (2006)
Calming our children ndash strategies Now that we have looked at many of the symptoms and causes of stress and anxiety I want to focus on ways to help calm our children and our homes classrooms and early years centres This first thing to bear in mind is
ldquoHappy Calm Children Learn Bestrdquo
mdash Daniel Goleman
This quote is so truehellip our children need to be happy and calm to learn at school and at home If they are stressed all their energy and enthusiasm will be diverted to dealing with that stress So letrsquos look at how to support them with this
Herersquos a summary of some of my resources to help your children with anxiety
ArticlesThe Importance of a Go-Slow Childhood 10 Tips to Ease Separation Distress The Invisible Enemy of Anxiety Childhood Stress
AudiosI have several audios to help with anxiety
SafeNSound and Sleepytime are for under 10s and are free from my website
My latest download for anxious children is called Soothing the Frightened Butterflies which costs $5 as a download This can really help build coping and calming strategies for anxious kids
Managing our own stress especially for busy mums is important and that may mean joining a class or group to try yoga tai chi meditation or mindfulness activities or sound relaxation mdash or you can do any of these things when you have some free time in your own home Try my free Moonlight Relaxation for Mums (and mother figures)
Soothing calming and relaxationThe opposite of stress and distress is calmness and feeling relaxed If a child clings to you she is trying to bring down a high body arousal level and high levels of stress chemicals She is trying to activate the positive brain chemicals that activate feelings of wellbeing Research shows that children who have been soothed quickly and frequently tend to become self-soothers and manage stress better (Sunderland 2007) Due to the neuroplasticity of the human brain calmness can be learned at any stage of life
Top tips for soothing Key ways to trigger oxytocin mdash the love neurotransmitter
01 Calm adults
02 Touch and massage mdash especially lsquotickle pointrsquo (high on back mdash stroke gently) Works with children of any age
03 Rocking
04 Sucking
05 Physical comforters mdash soft toys dummies blankets
06 Warmth approx 21 degrees C mdash (or cooling if child has a temperature)
07 Low soothing sounds familiar songs
08 Bathing in warm bath
09 Novelty mdash laughter
10 Avoid overstimulation especially loud voices noises too much chaos and too much change
My top three tips for parents to soothe our childrenrsquos worlds mdash The three lsquoSrsquos
01 Slow down mdash walk slower talk slower do less and allow an extra 15 minutes than you think you need to get children ready for a scheduled event like going to school Ask what you can take out of your life so that you can be a calmer parent especially in the early years mdash avoid wearing too many hats when your children are young
02 Soothe more mdash remember that brain chemicals flood our childrenrsquos brains quite irrationally and chaotically Reassure children that they are valued safe and that mistakes and accidents are normal
03 Create safety mdash is your home child friendly Can your children relax sometimes without being stressed to have your home looking like itrsquos a feature house in a House and Garden magazine Is there somewhere for introverted children to hide from people and the world to fill their energy cup
Parent tips for reducing stress in children
raquo Children benefit from calm quiet spaces in their world
raquo Avoid being rushed and hurried
raquo Use quiet voices with gentle tones
raquo Have regular quiet times in your home when all electronic stuff is turned off
raquo Allow children time just lsquoto bersquo and not always be busy
raquo Children sense their parentsrsquo stress and react to it mdash so reduce your stress
raquo Ensure children have good night sleep patterns
raquo Calmness can be learned mdash do a relaxation activity with them
raquo Avoid too much noise and visual stimulation in homes
raquo Avoid too much exposure to TVs computers smart phones and other electronic games and devices
raquo Create safe home environments with boundaries and routines
raquo Avoid too much significant change in childrenrsquos lives
raquo Avoid pressuring your children
raquo Soothing and reassuring children triggers oxytocin and calms children
mdash Maggie Dent Real Kids in an Unreal World (2nd edition 2016)
How to calm an overloaded nervous system in our homes centres amp classrooms
raquo Calm grown ups
raquo Routines and habits
raquo Silent sound signals
raquo Movement amp relaxation
raquo Calming music
raquo Mindfulness
raquo Low vocal tones
raquo Absorbed play
raquo Quiet corner bean bag
raquo Thinking time
raquo Regular quiet times
raquo Calming audio visualisations
raquo Laughter and lightness
raquo Plenty of nature time
Tips for soothing separation distress
Separation distress or anxiety is very common among children and Sunderland believes this distress can influence children even as old as eight
The changes of environment people routines and the number of other children they are interacting with can all cause spikes in cortisol creating those stress symptoms you might see mdash crying clinging tummy aches refusal to leave your side poor appetite restless sleep and even outbursts and tantrums
Remember this means the lsquodownstairs brainrsquo is registering threat mdash and is acting accordingly Remember too that the key stressor for children is separation from the most significant grownup who is their protector
As a starting point it is useful to explain to kids that new things places and people often make even adults feel those same feelings of being a little unsettled or anxious
Young children usually have strong imaginations and I have found that some small techniques that strengthen the connection to Mum or Dad while they are away from you can help lots
I have shared some of my strategies for dealing with separation anxiety in my article 10 Tips to Ease Separation Distress
Safe touchWhy is safe touch so important in caring relationships
Clinical studies at the American Academy of Paediatrics found that touch therapy helped premature newborn babies to gain weight It also improved asthmatic childrenrsquos breathing assisted in balancing glucose levels for diabetic children and lowered stress levels improving the immune system Researcher Tiffany Field PhD from the Touch Research Institute at the University of Miami believes that ldquotouch is as important to infants and children as eating and sleepingrdquo
Soothing touch triggers positive brain chemicals especially serotonin which quite literally soothes the nervous system of the whole child Other ways to soothe include rocking soothing calm sounds from a safe adult and listening to familiar songs or nursery rhymes
We do need to seriously reconsider the fear-driven perception we have around the safe touch of students A retired principal once told me that a lawyer had spoken to him about the legal perspective of being sued for inappropriate touching You can only be pursued legally if you have touched someone without their approval or consent This did not have to be verbal consent tacit approval was sufficient What this means is that when a child falls over or hurts his or herself and comes running with arms up for a hug we have their tacit approval Common-sense needs to prevail
What needs to happen in our homes and schools to ensure that our children know what safe touch entails is that we must educate our children around body safety and awareness No longer can we hope that a significant grown-up has given them some guidance In our highly sexualised world where explicit images and pornography can be found without even looking for them we must give our children the tools to be able to understand where touch is no longer safe for themselves or for others
How can we build more safe touch in our homes
01 If your young children find their way to your bed in the middle of the night because theyrsquore frightened welcome them immediately If you find it difficult to sleep with a squirming wriggling little one in your bed it is completely okay for one of the grown-ups to go and sleep in their bed (especially if your little one wonrsquot settle back into their bed) The important thing is to soothe the fear or the need to be close first One day you will miss the fact that they no longer turn up for a nightly snuggle
02 Be mindful of gentle touching your children more often ndash a gentle hand on the shoulder holding their hands ruffling their hair non-annoying tickling sitting really closely on the couch being really close when you read stories picking them up and holding them close in a hug secret handshakes and high fives all keep physical intimacy alive and well
03 Help your children to create a list of people they feel are safe to allow them to touch them respectfully We still need to be mindful that even the people in this safe circle need to be respectful of when children give their tacit approval to be held or touched My beautiful two-year-old granddaughter can be slow to warm when we first reconnect and I will always offer her a loving verbal greeting however with no pressure for her to respond equally She is just two and has a long way to go to understand the nuances of human interaction particularly communication Adolescents struggle in a similar way and again it is not a sign of disrespect ndash although it is often seen as that ndash or a sign that they donrsquot care for the people who are trying to communicate to them They also improve with continued growth of the prefrontal cortex
04 Each child will have a certain preference around safe touch Personal space is different for us all Some of our children particularly those with sensory processing disorder (SPD) or who are on the spectrum prefer not to be touched at all Some prefer very vigorous rugby style hugs others non-verbal gestures like a smile a wink or even a gentle nod of your head in their direction Some like to sit all over us ndash and often Some might like a gentle head massage or even a back tickle It can be really helpful when we follow their preferences and we are able to meet that hunger for safe touch
05 There is a special spot high up on the back below the neck (between the shoulders) that is particularly sensitive when touched in a gentle and slow way It has been called the tickle spot
It is a bit like an accelerator button that can trigger serotonin which is a calming brain chemical Sometimes in situations where we can see our children struggling gently stroking this spot can actually help them calm down and feel soothed I have used this spot often in the queue in shopping centres when my lads were starting to get restless
06 The calmer our children are the more receptive they will be to being touched in a loving way Sometimes when they are really stressed and could benefit from loving safe touch they reject it or push it away
07 It can be helpful having a conversation with those who are in your close parenting circle of family or friends about safe touch Tell those who you trust that you encourage safe touch I remember one of my sonrsquos best friends who was dealing with the sudden death of his dad telling my son that my hugs were all soft and squishy and they felt good Personally it took me a long time to be comfortable with other people touching me in a caring way and Irsquom a firm believer in the power of a good hug when itrsquos welcome
08 Sometimes being held with love by a trusted person can say more than any words
Dr Arthur Janov author of The Biology of Love (2000) argues that the absence of loving care early in life causes increased levels of stress for a person The result of this deprivation is high levels of cortisol that change the structure of the brain Brain scans taken of extremely violent young men show huge spaces in the pre-frontal lobe
It only takes one genuinely trustworthy person to use safe touch to reframe how a child sees the world and to reshape how their brains perceive safety and tenderness Our world needs more love kindness and gentleness right now and so let the conversation begin
Sibling conflict a normal part of family lifeldquoThere is no way around it Sibling rivalry is universal After all every human is genetically programmed to protect resources that will help him survive and your children depend on and compete for what are in fact precious resources mdash your time and attention
I found that parenting gets a lot easier when we as parents can do 3 very hard things
1 Regulate our emotions
2 Stay connected with our child even when wersquore setting limits or the child is upset
3 Coach instead of controlling by fostering emotional intelligence guiding with empathetic limits instead of punishment and supporting masteryrdquo
mdash Dr Laura Markham Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life (2015)
Sibling rivalry is indeed one of lifersquos great teachers Indeed it helps us learn how to get along with others It also helps put a bit more sensitivity into our feisty lsquoroosterrsquo children and a bit more lsquoroosterrsquo into our sensitive lambs when parenting children of different temperaments
I have written an article about sibling rivalry that offers more detail on where it comes from rivalry between roosters and lambs and how to manage it and how to turn aggression into awareness Read my article on sibling rivalry
How not to deal with sibling rivalryhellip
According to Dr Laura if we punish or are too permissive with our children around their fighting it only creates more fighting The reason for this is because if we are not demonstrating kindness and fairness to solve the issue our kids will model the same approach Your child will handle conflict the way you show them (Markham 2015)
Our children donrsquot learn to be empathetic compassionate human beings by being punished for sibling rivalry Instead they learn to do things simply to avoid punishment not to be intrinsically caring They donrsquot learn self-discipline (remember the Three Family Rules I wrote about earlier) they learn to use power over each other and it can make them fearful and more likely to be angry and depressed (Markham 2015)
Included in this notion of punishment are lsquotimeoutsrsquo Dr Laura and I are on the same page when it comes to thishellip timeouts can be another way of shaming our kids and disconnecting from the
When my four lads got into conflict I found a much better solution was to send them all outside together for five minutes for ldquoa change of sceneryrdquo Invariably after five minutes they wouldnrsquot bother coming back in because being outside had shifted their mood and they got caught up in a new game
So what does help
The key is to help siblings see the world through their siblingrsquos eyes ndash to show why something is not fair or may be unkind or just plain wrong
My suggestions
raquo Stay calm
raquo Ensure safety of all
raquo Make sense of what is happening
raquo Re-connect to family rules
raquo Avoid making quick judgements
raquo Allow calm down time while being nearby
raquo Connect with all parties in a warm way AFTERWARDS
OR Use a nudge
ldquoA nudge is essentially a means of encouraging or guiding behaviour but without mandating or instructing and ideally without the need for heavy financial incentives or sanctions Sometimes behaviour changes with a surprisingly light touchrdquo
mdash David Halpern Inside the Nudge Unit How small changes can make a big difference (2015)
Basically a nudge is a bit of gentle positive persuasion ndash hints suggestions helpful comments hellip
If you reduce friction a nudge can be a potent way of clearing the path to make it easy for people to do something that they probably already intended to do but had not got around to it
01 Unexpected small reward in private
02 A quiet thank you and a positive touch moment in private
03 Positive noticing
04 Mention good conflict solving at family meeting
05 Let kids hear you tell someone else how great they have been
06 Tell your kids they are smart and can work out ways to sort out conflict themselves
07 Change location when things get a bit lsquoouchyrsquo in a calm and warm way
08 Use lightness and novelty
09 Inspirational images around the house reminding everyone within that lsquolove lives herersquo and reflecting your familyrsquos values
Tips from Dr Laura01 Talk about feelings
02 Ask questions about feelings needs wants and choices
03 Explain and model ndash expect to repeat yourself
04 Practice finding win-win solutions
05 Model lsquoIrsquo statements ldquoI feel hellipBecause I wantneed hellip And I observed that hellip eg I feel worried because I want to get there on time and I see that you arenrsquot ready to leave yet so please put on your shoesrdquo
06 Model pro social behaviour
mdash Dr Laura Markham Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life (2015)
and alsoRead Dr Laurarsquos blog ldquoWhy punishment doesnrsquot teach your child accountabilityrdquo for more on punishment
Read her ldquoWhatrsquos Wrong With Timeoutsrdquo blog to find out why time outs are also not a great response to sibling conflicts
And her Siblings 101 blog has some fantastic tips for turning sibling rivalry around
You can find all of Dr Laura Markhamrsquos helpful blogs and her two Peaceful Parent books at wwwahaparentingcom
Your new role is as an interpreter mdash which is technically emotional coaching
And a few notes on some other dilemmas for anyone raising or working with childrenhellip
Telling liesEveryone tells lies
Some children are often frightened into telling lies
Explain the difference between black lies and white lies
Spend time honouring the truth
Read picture books about honesty ndash Franklin Fibs Aesoprsquos Fables Pig the Pug Fibber
I have done a video blog about when children tell lies so take a few minutes to watch that to hear my suggestions
Watch Telling Lies Blog
You might also be interested in this very interesting article talking about research that suggests children who are subjected to punitive methods of discipline are less likely to be honest
Tsunami of Technology ndash Keeping the Balance
The benefits of technology are a given However there are concerns and we need to be aware of those
Concerns to keep in mind
raquo Posture problems
raquo Learning the lsquoplay codersquo
raquo Impact on human communication amp intimacy
raquo Passivity
raquo Sleep issues
raquo Dopamine receptor changes
raquo Short sightedness
raquo Instant entertainment
raquo Language saturation
raquo Creativity
raquo Boredom
raquo Addictive usage
Recommendations
01 As little as possible under 5
02 Never allow screens in bedroom
03 Have excellent remote parental controls on all devices and PCsApples ndash I recommend you take a look at Family Zone
04 Make sure your children are only able to access Kids YouTube
05 Have clear boundaries especially at night
06 Keep in mind the use mdash educational vs entertainment
07 Best use is when there is interaction with others
08 Have a basket for all hand held screens including parentsrsquo around meal times or other together times
09 Check other parentsrsquo boundaries before allowing children to visit ndash be strong
10 Have techno free times for fun
I have a few articles and resources on screens at my common concerns page on screen time httpswwwmaggiedentcomcommon-concernsscreen-time
As a parent or adult caring for children be mindful of Digital Abandonment
Watch my video blog on Digital Abandonment in Modern Families
I am so impressed with the work being done on the digital dilemma for parents by Dr Kristy Goodwin Please take the time to check out her blog and her excellent book Raising Your Child in a Digital World httpdrkristygoodwincom
REFERENCES Dent M (2014) 9 Things A back-to-basics guide to calm common-sense connected parenting birth-8 Murwillumbah NSW Pennington Publications
Dent M (2016) Real Kids in an Unreal World Building resilience amp self-esteem in todayrsquos children Murwillumbah NSW Pennington Publications
Dent M (2003) Saving Our children from Our Chaotic World Teaching children the magic of silence and stillness Dunsborough WA Pennington Publications
Doidge N (2007) The Brain That Changes Itself Stories of personal triumph from the frontiers of brain science New York Viking
Fuller A (2007) Tricky kids Transforming conflict and freeing their potential Sydney Finch Publishing
Goleman D (1996) Emotional Intelligence Why it can matter more than IQ UK Bloomsbury Publishing
Goodwin K (2016) Raising Your Child in a Digital World Sydney Finch Publishing
Grille R (2008) Heart to Heart Parenting Nurturing your childrsquos emotional intelligence from conception to school age Sydney ABC Books
Grille R (2013) Parenting for a Peaceful World (second edition) Asheville NC Vox Cordis Press
Halpern D (2009) Inside the Nudge Unit How small changes can make a big difference UK WHAllen
Janov A (2000) The Biology of Love New York Prometheus Books
Jensen E (2006) Enriching the Brain San Francisco CA Jossey-Bass
Markham L (2015) Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life New York TarcherPerigree
Neufeld G amp Mateacute G (2005) Hold On to Your Kids Why parents need to matter more than peers New York Ballantine Books
Rando L (2010) Caring and Connected Parenting A guide to raising connected children from birth to 4 years CA USA The Spiritual Alliance to Stop Intimate Violence
Shanker S (2016) (with Teresa Barker) Self-Reg How to help your child (and you) break the stress cycle and successfully engage with life Penguin Press
Siegel D J MD amp Bryson T P PhD (2011) The Whole-Brain Child 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your childrsquos developing mind survive everyday parenting struggles and help your family thrive New York Delacorte Press
Sunderland M (2007) The Science of Parenting How todayrsquos brain research can help you raise happy emotionally balanced children New York DK Publishing
Thomas P (2006) Stress in Early Childhood Helping children and their carers ACT Australia Early Childhood Australia
amp some other good readsNaomi Aldort (2005) Raising Our Children Raising Ourselves
Marcy Axness (2012) Parenting for Peace Raising the next generation of peacemakers
All of Steve Biddulphrsquos books Raising Boys Raising Girls The New Manhood The Secret of Happy Childrenhellip
Breacutene Brown (2013) The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting Raising children with courage compassion amp connection Audio CD
Gary Chapman amp Ross Campbell (2012) The 5 Love Languages of Children
Shelley Davidow (2014) Raising Stress-Proof Kids Parenting todayrsquos children in tomorrowrsquos world
Carol Dweck (2012) Mindset The new psychology of success
Tim Gill (2007) No Fear Growing up in a risk averse society
Peter Gray (2013) Free to Learn Why unleashing the instinct to play will make our children happier more self-reliant and better students for life
Jo Jackson King (2010) Raising the Best Possible Child How to navigate parenting myths and bring up confident happy kids
Janet Lansbury (2014) Elevating Child Care A guide to respectful parenting AND No Bad Kids Toddler discipline without shame
Vanessa LaPointe (2015) Discipline Without Damage How to get your kids to behave without messing them up
Pam Leo (2007) Connection Parenting Parenting through connection instead of coercion through love instead of fear wwwConnectionParentingcom
Richard Louv (2005) Last Child in the Woods Saving our children from nature-deficit disorder
Laura Markham (2012) Peaceful Parent Happy Kids how to stop yelling and start connecting
Rachel Macy Stafford (2014) Hands Free Mama and her new book (2017) Only Love Today
Shefali Tsabary (2014) Out of Control Why disciplining your child doesnrsquot work and what will
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
ldquoLow serotonin levels are a key component in many forms of aggression and violent behaviour Opiods are vital to diminish feelings of fear and stress so deactivation of opiods in parts of the brain leads to increases in negative feelings and stress and decreases in positive feelingsrdquo
mdash Margot Sunderland The Science of Parenting (2007)
Distress (chronic stress)
01 Halves neuron development
02 Reduces effectiveness of the dendrites
03 Reduces brain to lsquosurvivalrsquo mode rather than upper cognitive processing
04 Reduces blood supply to the brain
05 Stimulates emotional meltdowns
06 Impedes immune system
What happens to the body when it enters lsquoflight or fightrsquo state (Distress)
raquo Breathing becomes shallow
raquo The heart rate increases
raquo Blood pressure rises
raquo Adrenaline and cortisol hormones are released into the blood
raquo The senses are heightened
raquo The liver releases stored sugar into the blood
raquo Muscles tense and tighten
raquo Blood flow increases to the brain and major muscles and is constricted to the extremities
mdash Patrice Thomas Stress in Early Childhood (2006)
Calming our children ndash strategies Now that we have looked at many of the symptoms and causes of stress and anxiety I want to focus on ways to help calm our children and our homes classrooms and early years centres This first thing to bear in mind is
ldquoHappy Calm Children Learn Bestrdquo
mdash Daniel Goleman
This quote is so truehellip our children need to be happy and calm to learn at school and at home If they are stressed all their energy and enthusiasm will be diverted to dealing with that stress So letrsquos look at how to support them with this
Herersquos a summary of some of my resources to help your children with anxiety
ArticlesThe Importance of a Go-Slow Childhood 10 Tips to Ease Separation Distress The Invisible Enemy of Anxiety Childhood Stress
AudiosI have several audios to help with anxiety
SafeNSound and Sleepytime are for under 10s and are free from my website
My latest download for anxious children is called Soothing the Frightened Butterflies which costs $5 as a download This can really help build coping and calming strategies for anxious kids
Managing our own stress especially for busy mums is important and that may mean joining a class or group to try yoga tai chi meditation or mindfulness activities or sound relaxation mdash or you can do any of these things when you have some free time in your own home Try my free Moonlight Relaxation for Mums (and mother figures)
Soothing calming and relaxationThe opposite of stress and distress is calmness and feeling relaxed If a child clings to you she is trying to bring down a high body arousal level and high levels of stress chemicals She is trying to activate the positive brain chemicals that activate feelings of wellbeing Research shows that children who have been soothed quickly and frequently tend to become self-soothers and manage stress better (Sunderland 2007) Due to the neuroplasticity of the human brain calmness can be learned at any stage of life
Top tips for soothing Key ways to trigger oxytocin mdash the love neurotransmitter
01 Calm adults
02 Touch and massage mdash especially lsquotickle pointrsquo (high on back mdash stroke gently) Works with children of any age
03 Rocking
04 Sucking
05 Physical comforters mdash soft toys dummies blankets
06 Warmth approx 21 degrees C mdash (or cooling if child has a temperature)
07 Low soothing sounds familiar songs
08 Bathing in warm bath
09 Novelty mdash laughter
10 Avoid overstimulation especially loud voices noises too much chaos and too much change
My top three tips for parents to soothe our childrenrsquos worlds mdash The three lsquoSrsquos
01 Slow down mdash walk slower talk slower do less and allow an extra 15 minutes than you think you need to get children ready for a scheduled event like going to school Ask what you can take out of your life so that you can be a calmer parent especially in the early years mdash avoid wearing too many hats when your children are young
02 Soothe more mdash remember that brain chemicals flood our childrenrsquos brains quite irrationally and chaotically Reassure children that they are valued safe and that mistakes and accidents are normal
03 Create safety mdash is your home child friendly Can your children relax sometimes without being stressed to have your home looking like itrsquos a feature house in a House and Garden magazine Is there somewhere for introverted children to hide from people and the world to fill their energy cup
Parent tips for reducing stress in children
raquo Children benefit from calm quiet spaces in their world
raquo Avoid being rushed and hurried
raquo Use quiet voices with gentle tones
raquo Have regular quiet times in your home when all electronic stuff is turned off
raquo Allow children time just lsquoto bersquo and not always be busy
raquo Children sense their parentsrsquo stress and react to it mdash so reduce your stress
raquo Ensure children have good night sleep patterns
raquo Calmness can be learned mdash do a relaxation activity with them
raquo Avoid too much noise and visual stimulation in homes
raquo Avoid too much exposure to TVs computers smart phones and other electronic games and devices
raquo Create safe home environments with boundaries and routines
raquo Avoid too much significant change in childrenrsquos lives
raquo Avoid pressuring your children
raquo Soothing and reassuring children triggers oxytocin and calms children
mdash Maggie Dent Real Kids in an Unreal World (2nd edition 2016)
How to calm an overloaded nervous system in our homes centres amp classrooms
raquo Calm grown ups
raquo Routines and habits
raquo Silent sound signals
raquo Movement amp relaxation
raquo Calming music
raquo Mindfulness
raquo Low vocal tones
raquo Absorbed play
raquo Quiet corner bean bag
raquo Thinking time
raquo Regular quiet times
raquo Calming audio visualisations
raquo Laughter and lightness
raquo Plenty of nature time
Tips for soothing separation distress
Separation distress or anxiety is very common among children and Sunderland believes this distress can influence children even as old as eight
The changes of environment people routines and the number of other children they are interacting with can all cause spikes in cortisol creating those stress symptoms you might see mdash crying clinging tummy aches refusal to leave your side poor appetite restless sleep and even outbursts and tantrums
Remember this means the lsquodownstairs brainrsquo is registering threat mdash and is acting accordingly Remember too that the key stressor for children is separation from the most significant grownup who is their protector
As a starting point it is useful to explain to kids that new things places and people often make even adults feel those same feelings of being a little unsettled or anxious
Young children usually have strong imaginations and I have found that some small techniques that strengthen the connection to Mum or Dad while they are away from you can help lots
I have shared some of my strategies for dealing with separation anxiety in my article 10 Tips to Ease Separation Distress
Safe touchWhy is safe touch so important in caring relationships
Clinical studies at the American Academy of Paediatrics found that touch therapy helped premature newborn babies to gain weight It also improved asthmatic childrenrsquos breathing assisted in balancing glucose levels for diabetic children and lowered stress levels improving the immune system Researcher Tiffany Field PhD from the Touch Research Institute at the University of Miami believes that ldquotouch is as important to infants and children as eating and sleepingrdquo
Soothing touch triggers positive brain chemicals especially serotonin which quite literally soothes the nervous system of the whole child Other ways to soothe include rocking soothing calm sounds from a safe adult and listening to familiar songs or nursery rhymes
We do need to seriously reconsider the fear-driven perception we have around the safe touch of students A retired principal once told me that a lawyer had spoken to him about the legal perspective of being sued for inappropriate touching You can only be pursued legally if you have touched someone without their approval or consent This did not have to be verbal consent tacit approval was sufficient What this means is that when a child falls over or hurts his or herself and comes running with arms up for a hug we have their tacit approval Common-sense needs to prevail
What needs to happen in our homes and schools to ensure that our children know what safe touch entails is that we must educate our children around body safety and awareness No longer can we hope that a significant grown-up has given them some guidance In our highly sexualised world where explicit images and pornography can be found without even looking for them we must give our children the tools to be able to understand where touch is no longer safe for themselves or for others
How can we build more safe touch in our homes
01 If your young children find their way to your bed in the middle of the night because theyrsquore frightened welcome them immediately If you find it difficult to sleep with a squirming wriggling little one in your bed it is completely okay for one of the grown-ups to go and sleep in their bed (especially if your little one wonrsquot settle back into their bed) The important thing is to soothe the fear or the need to be close first One day you will miss the fact that they no longer turn up for a nightly snuggle
02 Be mindful of gentle touching your children more often ndash a gentle hand on the shoulder holding their hands ruffling their hair non-annoying tickling sitting really closely on the couch being really close when you read stories picking them up and holding them close in a hug secret handshakes and high fives all keep physical intimacy alive and well
03 Help your children to create a list of people they feel are safe to allow them to touch them respectfully We still need to be mindful that even the people in this safe circle need to be respectful of when children give their tacit approval to be held or touched My beautiful two-year-old granddaughter can be slow to warm when we first reconnect and I will always offer her a loving verbal greeting however with no pressure for her to respond equally She is just two and has a long way to go to understand the nuances of human interaction particularly communication Adolescents struggle in a similar way and again it is not a sign of disrespect ndash although it is often seen as that ndash or a sign that they donrsquot care for the people who are trying to communicate to them They also improve with continued growth of the prefrontal cortex
04 Each child will have a certain preference around safe touch Personal space is different for us all Some of our children particularly those with sensory processing disorder (SPD) or who are on the spectrum prefer not to be touched at all Some prefer very vigorous rugby style hugs others non-verbal gestures like a smile a wink or even a gentle nod of your head in their direction Some like to sit all over us ndash and often Some might like a gentle head massage or even a back tickle It can be really helpful when we follow their preferences and we are able to meet that hunger for safe touch
05 There is a special spot high up on the back below the neck (between the shoulders) that is particularly sensitive when touched in a gentle and slow way It has been called the tickle spot
It is a bit like an accelerator button that can trigger serotonin which is a calming brain chemical Sometimes in situations where we can see our children struggling gently stroking this spot can actually help them calm down and feel soothed I have used this spot often in the queue in shopping centres when my lads were starting to get restless
06 The calmer our children are the more receptive they will be to being touched in a loving way Sometimes when they are really stressed and could benefit from loving safe touch they reject it or push it away
07 It can be helpful having a conversation with those who are in your close parenting circle of family or friends about safe touch Tell those who you trust that you encourage safe touch I remember one of my sonrsquos best friends who was dealing with the sudden death of his dad telling my son that my hugs were all soft and squishy and they felt good Personally it took me a long time to be comfortable with other people touching me in a caring way and Irsquom a firm believer in the power of a good hug when itrsquos welcome
08 Sometimes being held with love by a trusted person can say more than any words
Dr Arthur Janov author of The Biology of Love (2000) argues that the absence of loving care early in life causes increased levels of stress for a person The result of this deprivation is high levels of cortisol that change the structure of the brain Brain scans taken of extremely violent young men show huge spaces in the pre-frontal lobe
It only takes one genuinely trustworthy person to use safe touch to reframe how a child sees the world and to reshape how their brains perceive safety and tenderness Our world needs more love kindness and gentleness right now and so let the conversation begin
Sibling conflict a normal part of family lifeldquoThere is no way around it Sibling rivalry is universal After all every human is genetically programmed to protect resources that will help him survive and your children depend on and compete for what are in fact precious resources mdash your time and attention
I found that parenting gets a lot easier when we as parents can do 3 very hard things
1 Regulate our emotions
2 Stay connected with our child even when wersquore setting limits or the child is upset
3 Coach instead of controlling by fostering emotional intelligence guiding with empathetic limits instead of punishment and supporting masteryrdquo
mdash Dr Laura Markham Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life (2015)
Sibling rivalry is indeed one of lifersquos great teachers Indeed it helps us learn how to get along with others It also helps put a bit more sensitivity into our feisty lsquoroosterrsquo children and a bit more lsquoroosterrsquo into our sensitive lambs when parenting children of different temperaments
I have written an article about sibling rivalry that offers more detail on where it comes from rivalry between roosters and lambs and how to manage it and how to turn aggression into awareness Read my article on sibling rivalry
How not to deal with sibling rivalryhellip
According to Dr Laura if we punish or are too permissive with our children around their fighting it only creates more fighting The reason for this is because if we are not demonstrating kindness and fairness to solve the issue our kids will model the same approach Your child will handle conflict the way you show them (Markham 2015)
Our children donrsquot learn to be empathetic compassionate human beings by being punished for sibling rivalry Instead they learn to do things simply to avoid punishment not to be intrinsically caring They donrsquot learn self-discipline (remember the Three Family Rules I wrote about earlier) they learn to use power over each other and it can make them fearful and more likely to be angry and depressed (Markham 2015)
Included in this notion of punishment are lsquotimeoutsrsquo Dr Laura and I are on the same page when it comes to thishellip timeouts can be another way of shaming our kids and disconnecting from the
When my four lads got into conflict I found a much better solution was to send them all outside together for five minutes for ldquoa change of sceneryrdquo Invariably after five minutes they wouldnrsquot bother coming back in because being outside had shifted their mood and they got caught up in a new game
So what does help
The key is to help siblings see the world through their siblingrsquos eyes ndash to show why something is not fair or may be unkind or just plain wrong
My suggestions
raquo Stay calm
raquo Ensure safety of all
raquo Make sense of what is happening
raquo Re-connect to family rules
raquo Avoid making quick judgements
raquo Allow calm down time while being nearby
raquo Connect with all parties in a warm way AFTERWARDS
OR Use a nudge
ldquoA nudge is essentially a means of encouraging or guiding behaviour but without mandating or instructing and ideally without the need for heavy financial incentives or sanctions Sometimes behaviour changes with a surprisingly light touchrdquo
mdash David Halpern Inside the Nudge Unit How small changes can make a big difference (2015)
Basically a nudge is a bit of gentle positive persuasion ndash hints suggestions helpful comments hellip
If you reduce friction a nudge can be a potent way of clearing the path to make it easy for people to do something that they probably already intended to do but had not got around to it
01 Unexpected small reward in private
02 A quiet thank you and a positive touch moment in private
03 Positive noticing
04 Mention good conflict solving at family meeting
05 Let kids hear you tell someone else how great they have been
06 Tell your kids they are smart and can work out ways to sort out conflict themselves
07 Change location when things get a bit lsquoouchyrsquo in a calm and warm way
08 Use lightness and novelty
09 Inspirational images around the house reminding everyone within that lsquolove lives herersquo and reflecting your familyrsquos values
Tips from Dr Laura01 Talk about feelings
02 Ask questions about feelings needs wants and choices
03 Explain and model ndash expect to repeat yourself
04 Practice finding win-win solutions
05 Model lsquoIrsquo statements ldquoI feel hellipBecause I wantneed hellip And I observed that hellip eg I feel worried because I want to get there on time and I see that you arenrsquot ready to leave yet so please put on your shoesrdquo
06 Model pro social behaviour
mdash Dr Laura Markham Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life (2015)
and alsoRead Dr Laurarsquos blog ldquoWhy punishment doesnrsquot teach your child accountabilityrdquo for more on punishment
Read her ldquoWhatrsquos Wrong With Timeoutsrdquo blog to find out why time outs are also not a great response to sibling conflicts
And her Siblings 101 blog has some fantastic tips for turning sibling rivalry around
You can find all of Dr Laura Markhamrsquos helpful blogs and her two Peaceful Parent books at wwwahaparentingcom
Your new role is as an interpreter mdash which is technically emotional coaching
And a few notes on some other dilemmas for anyone raising or working with childrenhellip
Telling liesEveryone tells lies
Some children are often frightened into telling lies
Explain the difference between black lies and white lies
Spend time honouring the truth
Read picture books about honesty ndash Franklin Fibs Aesoprsquos Fables Pig the Pug Fibber
I have done a video blog about when children tell lies so take a few minutes to watch that to hear my suggestions
Watch Telling Lies Blog
You might also be interested in this very interesting article talking about research that suggests children who are subjected to punitive methods of discipline are less likely to be honest
Tsunami of Technology ndash Keeping the Balance
The benefits of technology are a given However there are concerns and we need to be aware of those
Concerns to keep in mind
raquo Posture problems
raquo Learning the lsquoplay codersquo
raquo Impact on human communication amp intimacy
raquo Passivity
raquo Sleep issues
raquo Dopamine receptor changes
raquo Short sightedness
raquo Instant entertainment
raquo Language saturation
raquo Creativity
raquo Boredom
raquo Addictive usage
Recommendations
01 As little as possible under 5
02 Never allow screens in bedroom
03 Have excellent remote parental controls on all devices and PCsApples ndash I recommend you take a look at Family Zone
04 Make sure your children are only able to access Kids YouTube
05 Have clear boundaries especially at night
06 Keep in mind the use mdash educational vs entertainment
07 Best use is when there is interaction with others
08 Have a basket for all hand held screens including parentsrsquo around meal times or other together times
09 Check other parentsrsquo boundaries before allowing children to visit ndash be strong
10 Have techno free times for fun
I have a few articles and resources on screens at my common concerns page on screen time httpswwwmaggiedentcomcommon-concernsscreen-time
As a parent or adult caring for children be mindful of Digital Abandonment
Watch my video blog on Digital Abandonment in Modern Families
I am so impressed with the work being done on the digital dilemma for parents by Dr Kristy Goodwin Please take the time to check out her blog and her excellent book Raising Your Child in a Digital World httpdrkristygoodwincom
REFERENCES Dent M (2014) 9 Things A back-to-basics guide to calm common-sense connected parenting birth-8 Murwillumbah NSW Pennington Publications
Dent M (2016) Real Kids in an Unreal World Building resilience amp self-esteem in todayrsquos children Murwillumbah NSW Pennington Publications
Dent M (2003) Saving Our children from Our Chaotic World Teaching children the magic of silence and stillness Dunsborough WA Pennington Publications
Doidge N (2007) The Brain That Changes Itself Stories of personal triumph from the frontiers of brain science New York Viking
Fuller A (2007) Tricky kids Transforming conflict and freeing their potential Sydney Finch Publishing
Goleman D (1996) Emotional Intelligence Why it can matter more than IQ UK Bloomsbury Publishing
Goodwin K (2016) Raising Your Child in a Digital World Sydney Finch Publishing
Grille R (2008) Heart to Heart Parenting Nurturing your childrsquos emotional intelligence from conception to school age Sydney ABC Books
Grille R (2013) Parenting for a Peaceful World (second edition) Asheville NC Vox Cordis Press
Halpern D (2009) Inside the Nudge Unit How small changes can make a big difference UK WHAllen
Janov A (2000) The Biology of Love New York Prometheus Books
Jensen E (2006) Enriching the Brain San Francisco CA Jossey-Bass
Markham L (2015) Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life New York TarcherPerigree
Neufeld G amp Mateacute G (2005) Hold On to Your Kids Why parents need to matter more than peers New York Ballantine Books
Rando L (2010) Caring and Connected Parenting A guide to raising connected children from birth to 4 years CA USA The Spiritual Alliance to Stop Intimate Violence
Shanker S (2016) (with Teresa Barker) Self-Reg How to help your child (and you) break the stress cycle and successfully engage with life Penguin Press
Siegel D J MD amp Bryson T P PhD (2011) The Whole-Brain Child 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your childrsquos developing mind survive everyday parenting struggles and help your family thrive New York Delacorte Press
Sunderland M (2007) The Science of Parenting How todayrsquos brain research can help you raise happy emotionally balanced children New York DK Publishing
Thomas P (2006) Stress in Early Childhood Helping children and their carers ACT Australia Early Childhood Australia
amp some other good readsNaomi Aldort (2005) Raising Our Children Raising Ourselves
Marcy Axness (2012) Parenting for Peace Raising the next generation of peacemakers
All of Steve Biddulphrsquos books Raising Boys Raising Girls The New Manhood The Secret of Happy Childrenhellip
Breacutene Brown (2013) The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting Raising children with courage compassion amp connection Audio CD
Gary Chapman amp Ross Campbell (2012) The 5 Love Languages of Children
Shelley Davidow (2014) Raising Stress-Proof Kids Parenting todayrsquos children in tomorrowrsquos world
Carol Dweck (2012) Mindset The new psychology of success
Tim Gill (2007) No Fear Growing up in a risk averse society
Peter Gray (2013) Free to Learn Why unleashing the instinct to play will make our children happier more self-reliant and better students for life
Jo Jackson King (2010) Raising the Best Possible Child How to navigate parenting myths and bring up confident happy kids
Janet Lansbury (2014) Elevating Child Care A guide to respectful parenting AND No Bad Kids Toddler discipline without shame
Vanessa LaPointe (2015) Discipline Without Damage How to get your kids to behave without messing them up
Pam Leo (2007) Connection Parenting Parenting through connection instead of coercion through love instead of fear wwwConnectionParentingcom
Richard Louv (2005) Last Child in the Woods Saving our children from nature-deficit disorder
Laura Markham (2012) Peaceful Parent Happy Kids how to stop yelling and start connecting
Rachel Macy Stafford (2014) Hands Free Mama and her new book (2017) Only Love Today
Shefali Tsabary (2014) Out of Control Why disciplining your child doesnrsquot work and what will
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
Calming our children ndash strategies Now that we have looked at many of the symptoms and causes of stress and anxiety I want to focus on ways to help calm our children and our homes classrooms and early years centres This first thing to bear in mind is
ldquoHappy Calm Children Learn Bestrdquo
mdash Daniel Goleman
This quote is so truehellip our children need to be happy and calm to learn at school and at home If they are stressed all their energy and enthusiasm will be diverted to dealing with that stress So letrsquos look at how to support them with this
Herersquos a summary of some of my resources to help your children with anxiety
ArticlesThe Importance of a Go-Slow Childhood 10 Tips to Ease Separation Distress The Invisible Enemy of Anxiety Childhood Stress
AudiosI have several audios to help with anxiety
SafeNSound and Sleepytime are for under 10s and are free from my website
My latest download for anxious children is called Soothing the Frightened Butterflies which costs $5 as a download This can really help build coping and calming strategies for anxious kids
Managing our own stress especially for busy mums is important and that may mean joining a class or group to try yoga tai chi meditation or mindfulness activities or sound relaxation mdash or you can do any of these things when you have some free time in your own home Try my free Moonlight Relaxation for Mums (and mother figures)
Soothing calming and relaxationThe opposite of stress and distress is calmness and feeling relaxed If a child clings to you she is trying to bring down a high body arousal level and high levels of stress chemicals She is trying to activate the positive brain chemicals that activate feelings of wellbeing Research shows that children who have been soothed quickly and frequently tend to become self-soothers and manage stress better (Sunderland 2007) Due to the neuroplasticity of the human brain calmness can be learned at any stage of life
Top tips for soothing Key ways to trigger oxytocin mdash the love neurotransmitter
01 Calm adults
02 Touch and massage mdash especially lsquotickle pointrsquo (high on back mdash stroke gently) Works with children of any age
03 Rocking
04 Sucking
05 Physical comforters mdash soft toys dummies blankets
06 Warmth approx 21 degrees C mdash (or cooling if child has a temperature)
07 Low soothing sounds familiar songs
08 Bathing in warm bath
09 Novelty mdash laughter
10 Avoid overstimulation especially loud voices noises too much chaos and too much change
My top three tips for parents to soothe our childrenrsquos worlds mdash The three lsquoSrsquos
01 Slow down mdash walk slower talk slower do less and allow an extra 15 minutes than you think you need to get children ready for a scheduled event like going to school Ask what you can take out of your life so that you can be a calmer parent especially in the early years mdash avoid wearing too many hats when your children are young
02 Soothe more mdash remember that brain chemicals flood our childrenrsquos brains quite irrationally and chaotically Reassure children that they are valued safe and that mistakes and accidents are normal
03 Create safety mdash is your home child friendly Can your children relax sometimes without being stressed to have your home looking like itrsquos a feature house in a House and Garden magazine Is there somewhere for introverted children to hide from people and the world to fill their energy cup
Parent tips for reducing stress in children
raquo Children benefit from calm quiet spaces in their world
raquo Avoid being rushed and hurried
raquo Use quiet voices with gentle tones
raquo Have regular quiet times in your home when all electronic stuff is turned off
raquo Allow children time just lsquoto bersquo and not always be busy
raquo Children sense their parentsrsquo stress and react to it mdash so reduce your stress
raquo Ensure children have good night sleep patterns
raquo Calmness can be learned mdash do a relaxation activity with them
raquo Avoid too much noise and visual stimulation in homes
raquo Avoid too much exposure to TVs computers smart phones and other electronic games and devices
raquo Create safe home environments with boundaries and routines
raquo Avoid too much significant change in childrenrsquos lives
raquo Avoid pressuring your children
raquo Soothing and reassuring children triggers oxytocin and calms children
mdash Maggie Dent Real Kids in an Unreal World (2nd edition 2016)
How to calm an overloaded nervous system in our homes centres amp classrooms
raquo Calm grown ups
raquo Routines and habits
raquo Silent sound signals
raquo Movement amp relaxation
raquo Calming music
raquo Mindfulness
raquo Low vocal tones
raquo Absorbed play
raquo Quiet corner bean bag
raquo Thinking time
raquo Regular quiet times
raquo Calming audio visualisations
raquo Laughter and lightness
raquo Plenty of nature time
Tips for soothing separation distress
Separation distress or anxiety is very common among children and Sunderland believes this distress can influence children even as old as eight
The changes of environment people routines and the number of other children they are interacting with can all cause spikes in cortisol creating those stress symptoms you might see mdash crying clinging tummy aches refusal to leave your side poor appetite restless sleep and even outbursts and tantrums
Remember this means the lsquodownstairs brainrsquo is registering threat mdash and is acting accordingly Remember too that the key stressor for children is separation from the most significant grownup who is their protector
As a starting point it is useful to explain to kids that new things places and people often make even adults feel those same feelings of being a little unsettled or anxious
Young children usually have strong imaginations and I have found that some small techniques that strengthen the connection to Mum or Dad while they are away from you can help lots
I have shared some of my strategies for dealing with separation anxiety in my article 10 Tips to Ease Separation Distress
Safe touchWhy is safe touch so important in caring relationships
Clinical studies at the American Academy of Paediatrics found that touch therapy helped premature newborn babies to gain weight It also improved asthmatic childrenrsquos breathing assisted in balancing glucose levels for diabetic children and lowered stress levels improving the immune system Researcher Tiffany Field PhD from the Touch Research Institute at the University of Miami believes that ldquotouch is as important to infants and children as eating and sleepingrdquo
Soothing touch triggers positive brain chemicals especially serotonin which quite literally soothes the nervous system of the whole child Other ways to soothe include rocking soothing calm sounds from a safe adult and listening to familiar songs or nursery rhymes
We do need to seriously reconsider the fear-driven perception we have around the safe touch of students A retired principal once told me that a lawyer had spoken to him about the legal perspective of being sued for inappropriate touching You can only be pursued legally if you have touched someone without their approval or consent This did not have to be verbal consent tacit approval was sufficient What this means is that when a child falls over or hurts his or herself and comes running with arms up for a hug we have their tacit approval Common-sense needs to prevail
What needs to happen in our homes and schools to ensure that our children know what safe touch entails is that we must educate our children around body safety and awareness No longer can we hope that a significant grown-up has given them some guidance In our highly sexualised world where explicit images and pornography can be found without even looking for them we must give our children the tools to be able to understand where touch is no longer safe for themselves or for others
How can we build more safe touch in our homes
01 If your young children find their way to your bed in the middle of the night because theyrsquore frightened welcome them immediately If you find it difficult to sleep with a squirming wriggling little one in your bed it is completely okay for one of the grown-ups to go and sleep in their bed (especially if your little one wonrsquot settle back into their bed) The important thing is to soothe the fear or the need to be close first One day you will miss the fact that they no longer turn up for a nightly snuggle
02 Be mindful of gentle touching your children more often ndash a gentle hand on the shoulder holding their hands ruffling their hair non-annoying tickling sitting really closely on the couch being really close when you read stories picking them up and holding them close in a hug secret handshakes and high fives all keep physical intimacy alive and well
03 Help your children to create a list of people they feel are safe to allow them to touch them respectfully We still need to be mindful that even the people in this safe circle need to be respectful of when children give their tacit approval to be held or touched My beautiful two-year-old granddaughter can be slow to warm when we first reconnect and I will always offer her a loving verbal greeting however with no pressure for her to respond equally She is just two and has a long way to go to understand the nuances of human interaction particularly communication Adolescents struggle in a similar way and again it is not a sign of disrespect ndash although it is often seen as that ndash or a sign that they donrsquot care for the people who are trying to communicate to them They also improve with continued growth of the prefrontal cortex
04 Each child will have a certain preference around safe touch Personal space is different for us all Some of our children particularly those with sensory processing disorder (SPD) or who are on the spectrum prefer not to be touched at all Some prefer very vigorous rugby style hugs others non-verbal gestures like a smile a wink or even a gentle nod of your head in their direction Some like to sit all over us ndash and often Some might like a gentle head massage or even a back tickle It can be really helpful when we follow their preferences and we are able to meet that hunger for safe touch
05 There is a special spot high up on the back below the neck (between the shoulders) that is particularly sensitive when touched in a gentle and slow way It has been called the tickle spot
It is a bit like an accelerator button that can trigger serotonin which is a calming brain chemical Sometimes in situations where we can see our children struggling gently stroking this spot can actually help them calm down and feel soothed I have used this spot often in the queue in shopping centres when my lads were starting to get restless
06 The calmer our children are the more receptive they will be to being touched in a loving way Sometimes when they are really stressed and could benefit from loving safe touch they reject it or push it away
07 It can be helpful having a conversation with those who are in your close parenting circle of family or friends about safe touch Tell those who you trust that you encourage safe touch I remember one of my sonrsquos best friends who was dealing with the sudden death of his dad telling my son that my hugs were all soft and squishy and they felt good Personally it took me a long time to be comfortable with other people touching me in a caring way and Irsquom a firm believer in the power of a good hug when itrsquos welcome
08 Sometimes being held with love by a trusted person can say more than any words
Dr Arthur Janov author of The Biology of Love (2000) argues that the absence of loving care early in life causes increased levels of stress for a person The result of this deprivation is high levels of cortisol that change the structure of the brain Brain scans taken of extremely violent young men show huge spaces in the pre-frontal lobe
It only takes one genuinely trustworthy person to use safe touch to reframe how a child sees the world and to reshape how their brains perceive safety and tenderness Our world needs more love kindness and gentleness right now and so let the conversation begin
Sibling conflict a normal part of family lifeldquoThere is no way around it Sibling rivalry is universal After all every human is genetically programmed to protect resources that will help him survive and your children depend on and compete for what are in fact precious resources mdash your time and attention
I found that parenting gets a lot easier when we as parents can do 3 very hard things
1 Regulate our emotions
2 Stay connected with our child even when wersquore setting limits or the child is upset
3 Coach instead of controlling by fostering emotional intelligence guiding with empathetic limits instead of punishment and supporting masteryrdquo
mdash Dr Laura Markham Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life (2015)
Sibling rivalry is indeed one of lifersquos great teachers Indeed it helps us learn how to get along with others It also helps put a bit more sensitivity into our feisty lsquoroosterrsquo children and a bit more lsquoroosterrsquo into our sensitive lambs when parenting children of different temperaments
I have written an article about sibling rivalry that offers more detail on where it comes from rivalry between roosters and lambs and how to manage it and how to turn aggression into awareness Read my article on sibling rivalry
How not to deal with sibling rivalryhellip
According to Dr Laura if we punish or are too permissive with our children around their fighting it only creates more fighting The reason for this is because if we are not demonstrating kindness and fairness to solve the issue our kids will model the same approach Your child will handle conflict the way you show them (Markham 2015)
Our children donrsquot learn to be empathetic compassionate human beings by being punished for sibling rivalry Instead they learn to do things simply to avoid punishment not to be intrinsically caring They donrsquot learn self-discipline (remember the Three Family Rules I wrote about earlier) they learn to use power over each other and it can make them fearful and more likely to be angry and depressed (Markham 2015)
Included in this notion of punishment are lsquotimeoutsrsquo Dr Laura and I are on the same page when it comes to thishellip timeouts can be another way of shaming our kids and disconnecting from the
When my four lads got into conflict I found a much better solution was to send them all outside together for five minutes for ldquoa change of sceneryrdquo Invariably after five minutes they wouldnrsquot bother coming back in because being outside had shifted their mood and they got caught up in a new game
So what does help
The key is to help siblings see the world through their siblingrsquos eyes ndash to show why something is not fair or may be unkind or just plain wrong
My suggestions
raquo Stay calm
raquo Ensure safety of all
raquo Make sense of what is happening
raquo Re-connect to family rules
raquo Avoid making quick judgements
raquo Allow calm down time while being nearby
raquo Connect with all parties in a warm way AFTERWARDS
OR Use a nudge
ldquoA nudge is essentially a means of encouraging or guiding behaviour but without mandating or instructing and ideally without the need for heavy financial incentives or sanctions Sometimes behaviour changes with a surprisingly light touchrdquo
mdash David Halpern Inside the Nudge Unit How small changes can make a big difference (2015)
Basically a nudge is a bit of gentle positive persuasion ndash hints suggestions helpful comments hellip
If you reduce friction a nudge can be a potent way of clearing the path to make it easy for people to do something that they probably already intended to do but had not got around to it
01 Unexpected small reward in private
02 A quiet thank you and a positive touch moment in private
03 Positive noticing
04 Mention good conflict solving at family meeting
05 Let kids hear you tell someone else how great they have been
06 Tell your kids they are smart and can work out ways to sort out conflict themselves
07 Change location when things get a bit lsquoouchyrsquo in a calm and warm way
08 Use lightness and novelty
09 Inspirational images around the house reminding everyone within that lsquolove lives herersquo and reflecting your familyrsquos values
Tips from Dr Laura01 Talk about feelings
02 Ask questions about feelings needs wants and choices
03 Explain and model ndash expect to repeat yourself
04 Practice finding win-win solutions
05 Model lsquoIrsquo statements ldquoI feel hellipBecause I wantneed hellip And I observed that hellip eg I feel worried because I want to get there on time and I see that you arenrsquot ready to leave yet so please put on your shoesrdquo
06 Model pro social behaviour
mdash Dr Laura Markham Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life (2015)
and alsoRead Dr Laurarsquos blog ldquoWhy punishment doesnrsquot teach your child accountabilityrdquo for more on punishment
Read her ldquoWhatrsquos Wrong With Timeoutsrdquo blog to find out why time outs are also not a great response to sibling conflicts
And her Siblings 101 blog has some fantastic tips for turning sibling rivalry around
You can find all of Dr Laura Markhamrsquos helpful blogs and her two Peaceful Parent books at wwwahaparentingcom
Your new role is as an interpreter mdash which is technically emotional coaching
And a few notes on some other dilemmas for anyone raising or working with childrenhellip
Telling liesEveryone tells lies
Some children are often frightened into telling lies
Explain the difference between black lies and white lies
Spend time honouring the truth
Read picture books about honesty ndash Franklin Fibs Aesoprsquos Fables Pig the Pug Fibber
I have done a video blog about when children tell lies so take a few minutes to watch that to hear my suggestions
Watch Telling Lies Blog
You might also be interested in this very interesting article talking about research that suggests children who are subjected to punitive methods of discipline are less likely to be honest
Tsunami of Technology ndash Keeping the Balance
The benefits of technology are a given However there are concerns and we need to be aware of those
Concerns to keep in mind
raquo Posture problems
raquo Learning the lsquoplay codersquo
raquo Impact on human communication amp intimacy
raquo Passivity
raquo Sleep issues
raquo Dopamine receptor changes
raquo Short sightedness
raquo Instant entertainment
raquo Language saturation
raquo Creativity
raquo Boredom
raquo Addictive usage
Recommendations
01 As little as possible under 5
02 Never allow screens in bedroom
03 Have excellent remote parental controls on all devices and PCsApples ndash I recommend you take a look at Family Zone
04 Make sure your children are only able to access Kids YouTube
05 Have clear boundaries especially at night
06 Keep in mind the use mdash educational vs entertainment
07 Best use is when there is interaction with others
08 Have a basket for all hand held screens including parentsrsquo around meal times or other together times
09 Check other parentsrsquo boundaries before allowing children to visit ndash be strong
10 Have techno free times for fun
I have a few articles and resources on screens at my common concerns page on screen time httpswwwmaggiedentcomcommon-concernsscreen-time
As a parent or adult caring for children be mindful of Digital Abandonment
Watch my video blog on Digital Abandonment in Modern Families
I am so impressed with the work being done on the digital dilemma for parents by Dr Kristy Goodwin Please take the time to check out her blog and her excellent book Raising Your Child in a Digital World httpdrkristygoodwincom
REFERENCES Dent M (2014) 9 Things A back-to-basics guide to calm common-sense connected parenting birth-8 Murwillumbah NSW Pennington Publications
Dent M (2016) Real Kids in an Unreal World Building resilience amp self-esteem in todayrsquos children Murwillumbah NSW Pennington Publications
Dent M (2003) Saving Our children from Our Chaotic World Teaching children the magic of silence and stillness Dunsborough WA Pennington Publications
Doidge N (2007) The Brain That Changes Itself Stories of personal triumph from the frontiers of brain science New York Viking
Fuller A (2007) Tricky kids Transforming conflict and freeing their potential Sydney Finch Publishing
Goleman D (1996) Emotional Intelligence Why it can matter more than IQ UK Bloomsbury Publishing
Goodwin K (2016) Raising Your Child in a Digital World Sydney Finch Publishing
Grille R (2008) Heart to Heart Parenting Nurturing your childrsquos emotional intelligence from conception to school age Sydney ABC Books
Grille R (2013) Parenting for a Peaceful World (second edition) Asheville NC Vox Cordis Press
Halpern D (2009) Inside the Nudge Unit How small changes can make a big difference UK WHAllen
Janov A (2000) The Biology of Love New York Prometheus Books
Jensen E (2006) Enriching the Brain San Francisco CA Jossey-Bass
Markham L (2015) Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life New York TarcherPerigree
Neufeld G amp Mateacute G (2005) Hold On to Your Kids Why parents need to matter more than peers New York Ballantine Books
Rando L (2010) Caring and Connected Parenting A guide to raising connected children from birth to 4 years CA USA The Spiritual Alliance to Stop Intimate Violence
Shanker S (2016) (with Teresa Barker) Self-Reg How to help your child (and you) break the stress cycle and successfully engage with life Penguin Press
Siegel D J MD amp Bryson T P PhD (2011) The Whole-Brain Child 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your childrsquos developing mind survive everyday parenting struggles and help your family thrive New York Delacorte Press
Sunderland M (2007) The Science of Parenting How todayrsquos brain research can help you raise happy emotionally balanced children New York DK Publishing
Thomas P (2006) Stress in Early Childhood Helping children and their carers ACT Australia Early Childhood Australia
amp some other good readsNaomi Aldort (2005) Raising Our Children Raising Ourselves
Marcy Axness (2012) Parenting for Peace Raising the next generation of peacemakers
All of Steve Biddulphrsquos books Raising Boys Raising Girls The New Manhood The Secret of Happy Childrenhellip
Breacutene Brown (2013) The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting Raising children with courage compassion amp connection Audio CD
Gary Chapman amp Ross Campbell (2012) The 5 Love Languages of Children
Shelley Davidow (2014) Raising Stress-Proof Kids Parenting todayrsquos children in tomorrowrsquos world
Carol Dweck (2012) Mindset The new psychology of success
Tim Gill (2007) No Fear Growing up in a risk averse society
Peter Gray (2013) Free to Learn Why unleashing the instinct to play will make our children happier more self-reliant and better students for life
Jo Jackson King (2010) Raising the Best Possible Child How to navigate parenting myths and bring up confident happy kids
Janet Lansbury (2014) Elevating Child Care A guide to respectful parenting AND No Bad Kids Toddler discipline without shame
Vanessa LaPointe (2015) Discipline Without Damage How to get your kids to behave without messing them up
Pam Leo (2007) Connection Parenting Parenting through connection instead of coercion through love instead of fear wwwConnectionParentingcom
Richard Louv (2005) Last Child in the Woods Saving our children from nature-deficit disorder
Laura Markham (2012) Peaceful Parent Happy Kids how to stop yelling and start connecting
Rachel Macy Stafford (2014) Hands Free Mama and her new book (2017) Only Love Today
Shefali Tsabary (2014) Out of Control Why disciplining your child doesnrsquot work and what will
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
Herersquos a summary of some of my resources to help your children with anxiety
ArticlesThe Importance of a Go-Slow Childhood 10 Tips to Ease Separation Distress The Invisible Enemy of Anxiety Childhood Stress
AudiosI have several audios to help with anxiety
SafeNSound and Sleepytime are for under 10s and are free from my website
My latest download for anxious children is called Soothing the Frightened Butterflies which costs $5 as a download This can really help build coping and calming strategies for anxious kids
Managing our own stress especially for busy mums is important and that may mean joining a class or group to try yoga tai chi meditation or mindfulness activities or sound relaxation mdash or you can do any of these things when you have some free time in your own home Try my free Moonlight Relaxation for Mums (and mother figures)
Soothing calming and relaxationThe opposite of stress and distress is calmness and feeling relaxed If a child clings to you she is trying to bring down a high body arousal level and high levels of stress chemicals She is trying to activate the positive brain chemicals that activate feelings of wellbeing Research shows that children who have been soothed quickly and frequently tend to become self-soothers and manage stress better (Sunderland 2007) Due to the neuroplasticity of the human brain calmness can be learned at any stage of life
Top tips for soothing Key ways to trigger oxytocin mdash the love neurotransmitter
01 Calm adults
02 Touch and massage mdash especially lsquotickle pointrsquo (high on back mdash stroke gently) Works with children of any age
03 Rocking
04 Sucking
05 Physical comforters mdash soft toys dummies blankets
06 Warmth approx 21 degrees C mdash (or cooling if child has a temperature)
07 Low soothing sounds familiar songs
08 Bathing in warm bath
09 Novelty mdash laughter
10 Avoid overstimulation especially loud voices noises too much chaos and too much change
My top three tips for parents to soothe our childrenrsquos worlds mdash The three lsquoSrsquos
01 Slow down mdash walk slower talk slower do less and allow an extra 15 minutes than you think you need to get children ready for a scheduled event like going to school Ask what you can take out of your life so that you can be a calmer parent especially in the early years mdash avoid wearing too many hats when your children are young
02 Soothe more mdash remember that brain chemicals flood our childrenrsquos brains quite irrationally and chaotically Reassure children that they are valued safe and that mistakes and accidents are normal
03 Create safety mdash is your home child friendly Can your children relax sometimes without being stressed to have your home looking like itrsquos a feature house in a House and Garden magazine Is there somewhere for introverted children to hide from people and the world to fill their energy cup
Parent tips for reducing stress in children
raquo Children benefit from calm quiet spaces in their world
raquo Avoid being rushed and hurried
raquo Use quiet voices with gentle tones
raquo Have regular quiet times in your home when all electronic stuff is turned off
raquo Allow children time just lsquoto bersquo and not always be busy
raquo Children sense their parentsrsquo stress and react to it mdash so reduce your stress
raquo Ensure children have good night sleep patterns
raquo Calmness can be learned mdash do a relaxation activity with them
raquo Avoid too much noise and visual stimulation in homes
raquo Avoid too much exposure to TVs computers smart phones and other electronic games and devices
raquo Create safe home environments with boundaries and routines
raquo Avoid too much significant change in childrenrsquos lives
raquo Avoid pressuring your children
raquo Soothing and reassuring children triggers oxytocin and calms children
mdash Maggie Dent Real Kids in an Unreal World (2nd edition 2016)
How to calm an overloaded nervous system in our homes centres amp classrooms
raquo Calm grown ups
raquo Routines and habits
raquo Silent sound signals
raquo Movement amp relaxation
raquo Calming music
raquo Mindfulness
raquo Low vocal tones
raquo Absorbed play
raquo Quiet corner bean bag
raquo Thinking time
raquo Regular quiet times
raquo Calming audio visualisations
raquo Laughter and lightness
raquo Plenty of nature time
Tips for soothing separation distress
Separation distress or anxiety is very common among children and Sunderland believes this distress can influence children even as old as eight
The changes of environment people routines and the number of other children they are interacting with can all cause spikes in cortisol creating those stress symptoms you might see mdash crying clinging tummy aches refusal to leave your side poor appetite restless sleep and even outbursts and tantrums
Remember this means the lsquodownstairs brainrsquo is registering threat mdash and is acting accordingly Remember too that the key stressor for children is separation from the most significant grownup who is their protector
As a starting point it is useful to explain to kids that new things places and people often make even adults feel those same feelings of being a little unsettled or anxious
Young children usually have strong imaginations and I have found that some small techniques that strengthen the connection to Mum or Dad while they are away from you can help lots
I have shared some of my strategies for dealing with separation anxiety in my article 10 Tips to Ease Separation Distress
Safe touchWhy is safe touch so important in caring relationships
Clinical studies at the American Academy of Paediatrics found that touch therapy helped premature newborn babies to gain weight It also improved asthmatic childrenrsquos breathing assisted in balancing glucose levels for diabetic children and lowered stress levels improving the immune system Researcher Tiffany Field PhD from the Touch Research Institute at the University of Miami believes that ldquotouch is as important to infants and children as eating and sleepingrdquo
Soothing touch triggers positive brain chemicals especially serotonin which quite literally soothes the nervous system of the whole child Other ways to soothe include rocking soothing calm sounds from a safe adult and listening to familiar songs or nursery rhymes
We do need to seriously reconsider the fear-driven perception we have around the safe touch of students A retired principal once told me that a lawyer had spoken to him about the legal perspective of being sued for inappropriate touching You can only be pursued legally if you have touched someone without their approval or consent This did not have to be verbal consent tacit approval was sufficient What this means is that when a child falls over or hurts his or herself and comes running with arms up for a hug we have their tacit approval Common-sense needs to prevail
What needs to happen in our homes and schools to ensure that our children know what safe touch entails is that we must educate our children around body safety and awareness No longer can we hope that a significant grown-up has given them some guidance In our highly sexualised world where explicit images and pornography can be found without even looking for them we must give our children the tools to be able to understand where touch is no longer safe for themselves or for others
How can we build more safe touch in our homes
01 If your young children find their way to your bed in the middle of the night because theyrsquore frightened welcome them immediately If you find it difficult to sleep with a squirming wriggling little one in your bed it is completely okay for one of the grown-ups to go and sleep in their bed (especially if your little one wonrsquot settle back into their bed) The important thing is to soothe the fear or the need to be close first One day you will miss the fact that they no longer turn up for a nightly snuggle
02 Be mindful of gentle touching your children more often ndash a gentle hand on the shoulder holding their hands ruffling their hair non-annoying tickling sitting really closely on the couch being really close when you read stories picking them up and holding them close in a hug secret handshakes and high fives all keep physical intimacy alive and well
03 Help your children to create a list of people they feel are safe to allow them to touch them respectfully We still need to be mindful that even the people in this safe circle need to be respectful of when children give their tacit approval to be held or touched My beautiful two-year-old granddaughter can be slow to warm when we first reconnect and I will always offer her a loving verbal greeting however with no pressure for her to respond equally She is just two and has a long way to go to understand the nuances of human interaction particularly communication Adolescents struggle in a similar way and again it is not a sign of disrespect ndash although it is often seen as that ndash or a sign that they donrsquot care for the people who are trying to communicate to them They also improve with continued growth of the prefrontal cortex
04 Each child will have a certain preference around safe touch Personal space is different for us all Some of our children particularly those with sensory processing disorder (SPD) or who are on the spectrum prefer not to be touched at all Some prefer very vigorous rugby style hugs others non-verbal gestures like a smile a wink or even a gentle nod of your head in their direction Some like to sit all over us ndash and often Some might like a gentle head massage or even a back tickle It can be really helpful when we follow their preferences and we are able to meet that hunger for safe touch
05 There is a special spot high up on the back below the neck (between the shoulders) that is particularly sensitive when touched in a gentle and slow way It has been called the tickle spot
It is a bit like an accelerator button that can trigger serotonin which is a calming brain chemical Sometimes in situations where we can see our children struggling gently stroking this spot can actually help them calm down and feel soothed I have used this spot often in the queue in shopping centres when my lads were starting to get restless
06 The calmer our children are the more receptive they will be to being touched in a loving way Sometimes when they are really stressed and could benefit from loving safe touch they reject it or push it away
07 It can be helpful having a conversation with those who are in your close parenting circle of family or friends about safe touch Tell those who you trust that you encourage safe touch I remember one of my sonrsquos best friends who was dealing with the sudden death of his dad telling my son that my hugs were all soft and squishy and they felt good Personally it took me a long time to be comfortable with other people touching me in a caring way and Irsquom a firm believer in the power of a good hug when itrsquos welcome
08 Sometimes being held with love by a trusted person can say more than any words
Dr Arthur Janov author of The Biology of Love (2000) argues that the absence of loving care early in life causes increased levels of stress for a person The result of this deprivation is high levels of cortisol that change the structure of the brain Brain scans taken of extremely violent young men show huge spaces in the pre-frontal lobe
It only takes one genuinely trustworthy person to use safe touch to reframe how a child sees the world and to reshape how their brains perceive safety and tenderness Our world needs more love kindness and gentleness right now and so let the conversation begin
Sibling conflict a normal part of family lifeldquoThere is no way around it Sibling rivalry is universal After all every human is genetically programmed to protect resources that will help him survive and your children depend on and compete for what are in fact precious resources mdash your time and attention
I found that parenting gets a lot easier when we as parents can do 3 very hard things
1 Regulate our emotions
2 Stay connected with our child even when wersquore setting limits or the child is upset
3 Coach instead of controlling by fostering emotional intelligence guiding with empathetic limits instead of punishment and supporting masteryrdquo
mdash Dr Laura Markham Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life (2015)
Sibling rivalry is indeed one of lifersquos great teachers Indeed it helps us learn how to get along with others It also helps put a bit more sensitivity into our feisty lsquoroosterrsquo children and a bit more lsquoroosterrsquo into our sensitive lambs when parenting children of different temperaments
I have written an article about sibling rivalry that offers more detail on where it comes from rivalry between roosters and lambs and how to manage it and how to turn aggression into awareness Read my article on sibling rivalry
How not to deal with sibling rivalryhellip
According to Dr Laura if we punish or are too permissive with our children around their fighting it only creates more fighting The reason for this is because if we are not demonstrating kindness and fairness to solve the issue our kids will model the same approach Your child will handle conflict the way you show them (Markham 2015)
Our children donrsquot learn to be empathetic compassionate human beings by being punished for sibling rivalry Instead they learn to do things simply to avoid punishment not to be intrinsically caring They donrsquot learn self-discipline (remember the Three Family Rules I wrote about earlier) they learn to use power over each other and it can make them fearful and more likely to be angry and depressed (Markham 2015)
Included in this notion of punishment are lsquotimeoutsrsquo Dr Laura and I are on the same page when it comes to thishellip timeouts can be another way of shaming our kids and disconnecting from the
When my four lads got into conflict I found a much better solution was to send them all outside together for five minutes for ldquoa change of sceneryrdquo Invariably after five minutes they wouldnrsquot bother coming back in because being outside had shifted their mood and they got caught up in a new game
So what does help
The key is to help siblings see the world through their siblingrsquos eyes ndash to show why something is not fair or may be unkind or just plain wrong
My suggestions
raquo Stay calm
raquo Ensure safety of all
raquo Make sense of what is happening
raquo Re-connect to family rules
raquo Avoid making quick judgements
raquo Allow calm down time while being nearby
raquo Connect with all parties in a warm way AFTERWARDS
OR Use a nudge
ldquoA nudge is essentially a means of encouraging or guiding behaviour but without mandating or instructing and ideally without the need for heavy financial incentives or sanctions Sometimes behaviour changes with a surprisingly light touchrdquo
mdash David Halpern Inside the Nudge Unit How small changes can make a big difference (2015)
Basically a nudge is a bit of gentle positive persuasion ndash hints suggestions helpful comments hellip
If you reduce friction a nudge can be a potent way of clearing the path to make it easy for people to do something that they probably already intended to do but had not got around to it
01 Unexpected small reward in private
02 A quiet thank you and a positive touch moment in private
03 Positive noticing
04 Mention good conflict solving at family meeting
05 Let kids hear you tell someone else how great they have been
06 Tell your kids they are smart and can work out ways to sort out conflict themselves
07 Change location when things get a bit lsquoouchyrsquo in a calm and warm way
08 Use lightness and novelty
09 Inspirational images around the house reminding everyone within that lsquolove lives herersquo and reflecting your familyrsquos values
Tips from Dr Laura01 Talk about feelings
02 Ask questions about feelings needs wants and choices
03 Explain and model ndash expect to repeat yourself
04 Practice finding win-win solutions
05 Model lsquoIrsquo statements ldquoI feel hellipBecause I wantneed hellip And I observed that hellip eg I feel worried because I want to get there on time and I see that you arenrsquot ready to leave yet so please put on your shoesrdquo
06 Model pro social behaviour
mdash Dr Laura Markham Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life (2015)
and alsoRead Dr Laurarsquos blog ldquoWhy punishment doesnrsquot teach your child accountabilityrdquo for more on punishment
Read her ldquoWhatrsquos Wrong With Timeoutsrdquo blog to find out why time outs are also not a great response to sibling conflicts
And her Siblings 101 blog has some fantastic tips for turning sibling rivalry around
You can find all of Dr Laura Markhamrsquos helpful blogs and her two Peaceful Parent books at wwwahaparentingcom
Your new role is as an interpreter mdash which is technically emotional coaching
And a few notes on some other dilemmas for anyone raising or working with childrenhellip
Telling liesEveryone tells lies
Some children are often frightened into telling lies
Explain the difference between black lies and white lies
Spend time honouring the truth
Read picture books about honesty ndash Franklin Fibs Aesoprsquos Fables Pig the Pug Fibber
I have done a video blog about when children tell lies so take a few minutes to watch that to hear my suggestions
Watch Telling Lies Blog
You might also be interested in this very interesting article talking about research that suggests children who are subjected to punitive methods of discipline are less likely to be honest
Tsunami of Technology ndash Keeping the Balance
The benefits of technology are a given However there are concerns and we need to be aware of those
Concerns to keep in mind
raquo Posture problems
raquo Learning the lsquoplay codersquo
raquo Impact on human communication amp intimacy
raquo Passivity
raquo Sleep issues
raquo Dopamine receptor changes
raquo Short sightedness
raquo Instant entertainment
raquo Language saturation
raquo Creativity
raquo Boredom
raquo Addictive usage
Recommendations
01 As little as possible under 5
02 Never allow screens in bedroom
03 Have excellent remote parental controls on all devices and PCsApples ndash I recommend you take a look at Family Zone
04 Make sure your children are only able to access Kids YouTube
05 Have clear boundaries especially at night
06 Keep in mind the use mdash educational vs entertainment
07 Best use is when there is interaction with others
08 Have a basket for all hand held screens including parentsrsquo around meal times or other together times
09 Check other parentsrsquo boundaries before allowing children to visit ndash be strong
10 Have techno free times for fun
I have a few articles and resources on screens at my common concerns page on screen time httpswwwmaggiedentcomcommon-concernsscreen-time
As a parent or adult caring for children be mindful of Digital Abandonment
Watch my video blog on Digital Abandonment in Modern Families
I am so impressed with the work being done on the digital dilemma for parents by Dr Kristy Goodwin Please take the time to check out her blog and her excellent book Raising Your Child in a Digital World httpdrkristygoodwincom
REFERENCES Dent M (2014) 9 Things A back-to-basics guide to calm common-sense connected parenting birth-8 Murwillumbah NSW Pennington Publications
Dent M (2016) Real Kids in an Unreal World Building resilience amp self-esteem in todayrsquos children Murwillumbah NSW Pennington Publications
Dent M (2003) Saving Our children from Our Chaotic World Teaching children the magic of silence and stillness Dunsborough WA Pennington Publications
Doidge N (2007) The Brain That Changes Itself Stories of personal triumph from the frontiers of brain science New York Viking
Fuller A (2007) Tricky kids Transforming conflict and freeing their potential Sydney Finch Publishing
Goleman D (1996) Emotional Intelligence Why it can matter more than IQ UK Bloomsbury Publishing
Goodwin K (2016) Raising Your Child in a Digital World Sydney Finch Publishing
Grille R (2008) Heart to Heart Parenting Nurturing your childrsquos emotional intelligence from conception to school age Sydney ABC Books
Grille R (2013) Parenting for a Peaceful World (second edition) Asheville NC Vox Cordis Press
Halpern D (2009) Inside the Nudge Unit How small changes can make a big difference UK WHAllen
Janov A (2000) The Biology of Love New York Prometheus Books
Jensen E (2006) Enriching the Brain San Francisco CA Jossey-Bass
Markham L (2015) Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life New York TarcherPerigree
Neufeld G amp Mateacute G (2005) Hold On to Your Kids Why parents need to matter more than peers New York Ballantine Books
Rando L (2010) Caring and Connected Parenting A guide to raising connected children from birth to 4 years CA USA The Spiritual Alliance to Stop Intimate Violence
Shanker S (2016) (with Teresa Barker) Self-Reg How to help your child (and you) break the stress cycle and successfully engage with life Penguin Press
Siegel D J MD amp Bryson T P PhD (2011) The Whole-Brain Child 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your childrsquos developing mind survive everyday parenting struggles and help your family thrive New York Delacorte Press
Sunderland M (2007) The Science of Parenting How todayrsquos brain research can help you raise happy emotionally balanced children New York DK Publishing
Thomas P (2006) Stress in Early Childhood Helping children and their carers ACT Australia Early Childhood Australia
amp some other good readsNaomi Aldort (2005) Raising Our Children Raising Ourselves
Marcy Axness (2012) Parenting for Peace Raising the next generation of peacemakers
All of Steve Biddulphrsquos books Raising Boys Raising Girls The New Manhood The Secret of Happy Childrenhellip
Breacutene Brown (2013) The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting Raising children with courage compassion amp connection Audio CD
Gary Chapman amp Ross Campbell (2012) The 5 Love Languages of Children
Shelley Davidow (2014) Raising Stress-Proof Kids Parenting todayrsquos children in tomorrowrsquos world
Carol Dweck (2012) Mindset The new psychology of success
Tim Gill (2007) No Fear Growing up in a risk averse society
Peter Gray (2013) Free to Learn Why unleashing the instinct to play will make our children happier more self-reliant and better students for life
Jo Jackson King (2010) Raising the Best Possible Child How to navigate parenting myths and bring up confident happy kids
Janet Lansbury (2014) Elevating Child Care A guide to respectful parenting AND No Bad Kids Toddler discipline without shame
Vanessa LaPointe (2015) Discipline Without Damage How to get your kids to behave without messing them up
Pam Leo (2007) Connection Parenting Parenting through connection instead of coercion through love instead of fear wwwConnectionParentingcom
Richard Louv (2005) Last Child in the Woods Saving our children from nature-deficit disorder
Laura Markham (2012) Peaceful Parent Happy Kids how to stop yelling and start connecting
Rachel Macy Stafford (2014) Hands Free Mama and her new book (2017) Only Love Today
Shefali Tsabary (2014) Out of Control Why disciplining your child doesnrsquot work and what will
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
Top tips for soothing Key ways to trigger oxytocin mdash the love neurotransmitter
01 Calm adults
02 Touch and massage mdash especially lsquotickle pointrsquo (high on back mdash stroke gently) Works with children of any age
03 Rocking
04 Sucking
05 Physical comforters mdash soft toys dummies blankets
06 Warmth approx 21 degrees C mdash (or cooling if child has a temperature)
07 Low soothing sounds familiar songs
08 Bathing in warm bath
09 Novelty mdash laughter
10 Avoid overstimulation especially loud voices noises too much chaos and too much change
My top three tips for parents to soothe our childrenrsquos worlds mdash The three lsquoSrsquos
01 Slow down mdash walk slower talk slower do less and allow an extra 15 minutes than you think you need to get children ready for a scheduled event like going to school Ask what you can take out of your life so that you can be a calmer parent especially in the early years mdash avoid wearing too many hats when your children are young
02 Soothe more mdash remember that brain chemicals flood our childrenrsquos brains quite irrationally and chaotically Reassure children that they are valued safe and that mistakes and accidents are normal
03 Create safety mdash is your home child friendly Can your children relax sometimes without being stressed to have your home looking like itrsquos a feature house in a House and Garden magazine Is there somewhere for introverted children to hide from people and the world to fill their energy cup
Parent tips for reducing stress in children
raquo Children benefit from calm quiet spaces in their world
raquo Avoid being rushed and hurried
raquo Use quiet voices with gentle tones
raquo Have regular quiet times in your home when all electronic stuff is turned off
raquo Allow children time just lsquoto bersquo and not always be busy
raquo Children sense their parentsrsquo stress and react to it mdash so reduce your stress
raquo Ensure children have good night sleep patterns
raquo Calmness can be learned mdash do a relaxation activity with them
raquo Avoid too much noise and visual stimulation in homes
raquo Avoid too much exposure to TVs computers smart phones and other electronic games and devices
raquo Create safe home environments with boundaries and routines
raquo Avoid too much significant change in childrenrsquos lives
raquo Avoid pressuring your children
raquo Soothing and reassuring children triggers oxytocin and calms children
mdash Maggie Dent Real Kids in an Unreal World (2nd edition 2016)
How to calm an overloaded nervous system in our homes centres amp classrooms
raquo Calm grown ups
raquo Routines and habits
raquo Silent sound signals
raquo Movement amp relaxation
raquo Calming music
raquo Mindfulness
raquo Low vocal tones
raquo Absorbed play
raquo Quiet corner bean bag
raquo Thinking time
raquo Regular quiet times
raquo Calming audio visualisations
raquo Laughter and lightness
raquo Plenty of nature time
Tips for soothing separation distress
Separation distress or anxiety is very common among children and Sunderland believes this distress can influence children even as old as eight
The changes of environment people routines and the number of other children they are interacting with can all cause spikes in cortisol creating those stress symptoms you might see mdash crying clinging tummy aches refusal to leave your side poor appetite restless sleep and even outbursts and tantrums
Remember this means the lsquodownstairs brainrsquo is registering threat mdash and is acting accordingly Remember too that the key stressor for children is separation from the most significant grownup who is their protector
As a starting point it is useful to explain to kids that new things places and people often make even adults feel those same feelings of being a little unsettled or anxious
Young children usually have strong imaginations and I have found that some small techniques that strengthen the connection to Mum or Dad while they are away from you can help lots
I have shared some of my strategies for dealing with separation anxiety in my article 10 Tips to Ease Separation Distress
Safe touchWhy is safe touch so important in caring relationships
Clinical studies at the American Academy of Paediatrics found that touch therapy helped premature newborn babies to gain weight It also improved asthmatic childrenrsquos breathing assisted in balancing glucose levels for diabetic children and lowered stress levels improving the immune system Researcher Tiffany Field PhD from the Touch Research Institute at the University of Miami believes that ldquotouch is as important to infants and children as eating and sleepingrdquo
Soothing touch triggers positive brain chemicals especially serotonin which quite literally soothes the nervous system of the whole child Other ways to soothe include rocking soothing calm sounds from a safe adult and listening to familiar songs or nursery rhymes
We do need to seriously reconsider the fear-driven perception we have around the safe touch of students A retired principal once told me that a lawyer had spoken to him about the legal perspective of being sued for inappropriate touching You can only be pursued legally if you have touched someone without their approval or consent This did not have to be verbal consent tacit approval was sufficient What this means is that when a child falls over or hurts his or herself and comes running with arms up for a hug we have their tacit approval Common-sense needs to prevail
What needs to happen in our homes and schools to ensure that our children know what safe touch entails is that we must educate our children around body safety and awareness No longer can we hope that a significant grown-up has given them some guidance In our highly sexualised world where explicit images and pornography can be found without even looking for them we must give our children the tools to be able to understand where touch is no longer safe for themselves or for others
How can we build more safe touch in our homes
01 If your young children find their way to your bed in the middle of the night because theyrsquore frightened welcome them immediately If you find it difficult to sleep with a squirming wriggling little one in your bed it is completely okay for one of the grown-ups to go and sleep in their bed (especially if your little one wonrsquot settle back into their bed) The important thing is to soothe the fear or the need to be close first One day you will miss the fact that they no longer turn up for a nightly snuggle
02 Be mindful of gentle touching your children more often ndash a gentle hand on the shoulder holding their hands ruffling their hair non-annoying tickling sitting really closely on the couch being really close when you read stories picking them up and holding them close in a hug secret handshakes and high fives all keep physical intimacy alive and well
03 Help your children to create a list of people they feel are safe to allow them to touch them respectfully We still need to be mindful that even the people in this safe circle need to be respectful of when children give their tacit approval to be held or touched My beautiful two-year-old granddaughter can be slow to warm when we first reconnect and I will always offer her a loving verbal greeting however with no pressure for her to respond equally She is just two and has a long way to go to understand the nuances of human interaction particularly communication Adolescents struggle in a similar way and again it is not a sign of disrespect ndash although it is often seen as that ndash or a sign that they donrsquot care for the people who are trying to communicate to them They also improve with continued growth of the prefrontal cortex
04 Each child will have a certain preference around safe touch Personal space is different for us all Some of our children particularly those with sensory processing disorder (SPD) or who are on the spectrum prefer not to be touched at all Some prefer very vigorous rugby style hugs others non-verbal gestures like a smile a wink or even a gentle nod of your head in their direction Some like to sit all over us ndash and often Some might like a gentle head massage or even a back tickle It can be really helpful when we follow their preferences and we are able to meet that hunger for safe touch
05 There is a special spot high up on the back below the neck (between the shoulders) that is particularly sensitive when touched in a gentle and slow way It has been called the tickle spot
It is a bit like an accelerator button that can trigger serotonin which is a calming brain chemical Sometimes in situations where we can see our children struggling gently stroking this spot can actually help them calm down and feel soothed I have used this spot often in the queue in shopping centres when my lads were starting to get restless
06 The calmer our children are the more receptive they will be to being touched in a loving way Sometimes when they are really stressed and could benefit from loving safe touch they reject it or push it away
07 It can be helpful having a conversation with those who are in your close parenting circle of family or friends about safe touch Tell those who you trust that you encourage safe touch I remember one of my sonrsquos best friends who was dealing with the sudden death of his dad telling my son that my hugs were all soft and squishy and they felt good Personally it took me a long time to be comfortable with other people touching me in a caring way and Irsquom a firm believer in the power of a good hug when itrsquos welcome
08 Sometimes being held with love by a trusted person can say more than any words
Dr Arthur Janov author of The Biology of Love (2000) argues that the absence of loving care early in life causes increased levels of stress for a person The result of this deprivation is high levels of cortisol that change the structure of the brain Brain scans taken of extremely violent young men show huge spaces in the pre-frontal lobe
It only takes one genuinely trustworthy person to use safe touch to reframe how a child sees the world and to reshape how their brains perceive safety and tenderness Our world needs more love kindness and gentleness right now and so let the conversation begin
Sibling conflict a normal part of family lifeldquoThere is no way around it Sibling rivalry is universal After all every human is genetically programmed to protect resources that will help him survive and your children depend on and compete for what are in fact precious resources mdash your time and attention
I found that parenting gets a lot easier when we as parents can do 3 very hard things
1 Regulate our emotions
2 Stay connected with our child even when wersquore setting limits or the child is upset
3 Coach instead of controlling by fostering emotional intelligence guiding with empathetic limits instead of punishment and supporting masteryrdquo
mdash Dr Laura Markham Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life (2015)
Sibling rivalry is indeed one of lifersquos great teachers Indeed it helps us learn how to get along with others It also helps put a bit more sensitivity into our feisty lsquoroosterrsquo children and a bit more lsquoroosterrsquo into our sensitive lambs when parenting children of different temperaments
I have written an article about sibling rivalry that offers more detail on where it comes from rivalry between roosters and lambs and how to manage it and how to turn aggression into awareness Read my article on sibling rivalry
How not to deal with sibling rivalryhellip
According to Dr Laura if we punish or are too permissive with our children around their fighting it only creates more fighting The reason for this is because if we are not demonstrating kindness and fairness to solve the issue our kids will model the same approach Your child will handle conflict the way you show them (Markham 2015)
Our children donrsquot learn to be empathetic compassionate human beings by being punished for sibling rivalry Instead they learn to do things simply to avoid punishment not to be intrinsically caring They donrsquot learn self-discipline (remember the Three Family Rules I wrote about earlier) they learn to use power over each other and it can make them fearful and more likely to be angry and depressed (Markham 2015)
Included in this notion of punishment are lsquotimeoutsrsquo Dr Laura and I are on the same page when it comes to thishellip timeouts can be another way of shaming our kids and disconnecting from the
When my four lads got into conflict I found a much better solution was to send them all outside together for five minutes for ldquoa change of sceneryrdquo Invariably after five minutes they wouldnrsquot bother coming back in because being outside had shifted their mood and they got caught up in a new game
So what does help
The key is to help siblings see the world through their siblingrsquos eyes ndash to show why something is not fair or may be unkind or just plain wrong
My suggestions
raquo Stay calm
raquo Ensure safety of all
raquo Make sense of what is happening
raquo Re-connect to family rules
raquo Avoid making quick judgements
raquo Allow calm down time while being nearby
raquo Connect with all parties in a warm way AFTERWARDS
OR Use a nudge
ldquoA nudge is essentially a means of encouraging or guiding behaviour but without mandating or instructing and ideally without the need for heavy financial incentives or sanctions Sometimes behaviour changes with a surprisingly light touchrdquo
mdash David Halpern Inside the Nudge Unit How small changes can make a big difference (2015)
Basically a nudge is a bit of gentle positive persuasion ndash hints suggestions helpful comments hellip
If you reduce friction a nudge can be a potent way of clearing the path to make it easy for people to do something that they probably already intended to do but had not got around to it
01 Unexpected small reward in private
02 A quiet thank you and a positive touch moment in private
03 Positive noticing
04 Mention good conflict solving at family meeting
05 Let kids hear you tell someone else how great they have been
06 Tell your kids they are smart and can work out ways to sort out conflict themselves
07 Change location when things get a bit lsquoouchyrsquo in a calm and warm way
08 Use lightness and novelty
09 Inspirational images around the house reminding everyone within that lsquolove lives herersquo and reflecting your familyrsquos values
Tips from Dr Laura01 Talk about feelings
02 Ask questions about feelings needs wants and choices
03 Explain and model ndash expect to repeat yourself
04 Practice finding win-win solutions
05 Model lsquoIrsquo statements ldquoI feel hellipBecause I wantneed hellip And I observed that hellip eg I feel worried because I want to get there on time and I see that you arenrsquot ready to leave yet so please put on your shoesrdquo
06 Model pro social behaviour
mdash Dr Laura Markham Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life (2015)
and alsoRead Dr Laurarsquos blog ldquoWhy punishment doesnrsquot teach your child accountabilityrdquo for more on punishment
Read her ldquoWhatrsquos Wrong With Timeoutsrdquo blog to find out why time outs are also not a great response to sibling conflicts
And her Siblings 101 blog has some fantastic tips for turning sibling rivalry around
You can find all of Dr Laura Markhamrsquos helpful blogs and her two Peaceful Parent books at wwwahaparentingcom
Your new role is as an interpreter mdash which is technically emotional coaching
And a few notes on some other dilemmas for anyone raising or working with childrenhellip
Telling liesEveryone tells lies
Some children are often frightened into telling lies
Explain the difference between black lies and white lies
Spend time honouring the truth
Read picture books about honesty ndash Franklin Fibs Aesoprsquos Fables Pig the Pug Fibber
I have done a video blog about when children tell lies so take a few minutes to watch that to hear my suggestions
Watch Telling Lies Blog
You might also be interested in this very interesting article talking about research that suggests children who are subjected to punitive methods of discipline are less likely to be honest
Tsunami of Technology ndash Keeping the Balance
The benefits of technology are a given However there are concerns and we need to be aware of those
Concerns to keep in mind
raquo Posture problems
raquo Learning the lsquoplay codersquo
raquo Impact on human communication amp intimacy
raquo Passivity
raquo Sleep issues
raquo Dopamine receptor changes
raquo Short sightedness
raquo Instant entertainment
raquo Language saturation
raquo Creativity
raquo Boredom
raquo Addictive usage
Recommendations
01 As little as possible under 5
02 Never allow screens in bedroom
03 Have excellent remote parental controls on all devices and PCsApples ndash I recommend you take a look at Family Zone
04 Make sure your children are only able to access Kids YouTube
05 Have clear boundaries especially at night
06 Keep in mind the use mdash educational vs entertainment
07 Best use is when there is interaction with others
08 Have a basket for all hand held screens including parentsrsquo around meal times or other together times
09 Check other parentsrsquo boundaries before allowing children to visit ndash be strong
10 Have techno free times for fun
I have a few articles and resources on screens at my common concerns page on screen time httpswwwmaggiedentcomcommon-concernsscreen-time
As a parent or adult caring for children be mindful of Digital Abandonment
Watch my video blog on Digital Abandonment in Modern Families
I am so impressed with the work being done on the digital dilemma for parents by Dr Kristy Goodwin Please take the time to check out her blog and her excellent book Raising Your Child in a Digital World httpdrkristygoodwincom
REFERENCES Dent M (2014) 9 Things A back-to-basics guide to calm common-sense connected parenting birth-8 Murwillumbah NSW Pennington Publications
Dent M (2016) Real Kids in an Unreal World Building resilience amp self-esteem in todayrsquos children Murwillumbah NSW Pennington Publications
Dent M (2003) Saving Our children from Our Chaotic World Teaching children the magic of silence and stillness Dunsborough WA Pennington Publications
Doidge N (2007) The Brain That Changes Itself Stories of personal triumph from the frontiers of brain science New York Viking
Fuller A (2007) Tricky kids Transforming conflict and freeing their potential Sydney Finch Publishing
Goleman D (1996) Emotional Intelligence Why it can matter more than IQ UK Bloomsbury Publishing
Goodwin K (2016) Raising Your Child in a Digital World Sydney Finch Publishing
Grille R (2008) Heart to Heart Parenting Nurturing your childrsquos emotional intelligence from conception to school age Sydney ABC Books
Grille R (2013) Parenting for a Peaceful World (second edition) Asheville NC Vox Cordis Press
Halpern D (2009) Inside the Nudge Unit How small changes can make a big difference UK WHAllen
Janov A (2000) The Biology of Love New York Prometheus Books
Jensen E (2006) Enriching the Brain San Francisco CA Jossey-Bass
Markham L (2015) Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life New York TarcherPerigree
Neufeld G amp Mateacute G (2005) Hold On to Your Kids Why parents need to matter more than peers New York Ballantine Books
Rando L (2010) Caring and Connected Parenting A guide to raising connected children from birth to 4 years CA USA The Spiritual Alliance to Stop Intimate Violence
Shanker S (2016) (with Teresa Barker) Self-Reg How to help your child (and you) break the stress cycle and successfully engage with life Penguin Press
Siegel D J MD amp Bryson T P PhD (2011) The Whole-Brain Child 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your childrsquos developing mind survive everyday parenting struggles and help your family thrive New York Delacorte Press
Sunderland M (2007) The Science of Parenting How todayrsquos brain research can help you raise happy emotionally balanced children New York DK Publishing
Thomas P (2006) Stress in Early Childhood Helping children and their carers ACT Australia Early Childhood Australia
amp some other good readsNaomi Aldort (2005) Raising Our Children Raising Ourselves
Marcy Axness (2012) Parenting for Peace Raising the next generation of peacemakers
All of Steve Biddulphrsquos books Raising Boys Raising Girls The New Manhood The Secret of Happy Childrenhellip
Breacutene Brown (2013) The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting Raising children with courage compassion amp connection Audio CD
Gary Chapman amp Ross Campbell (2012) The 5 Love Languages of Children
Shelley Davidow (2014) Raising Stress-Proof Kids Parenting todayrsquos children in tomorrowrsquos world
Carol Dweck (2012) Mindset The new psychology of success
Tim Gill (2007) No Fear Growing up in a risk averse society
Peter Gray (2013) Free to Learn Why unleashing the instinct to play will make our children happier more self-reliant and better students for life
Jo Jackson King (2010) Raising the Best Possible Child How to navigate parenting myths and bring up confident happy kids
Janet Lansbury (2014) Elevating Child Care A guide to respectful parenting AND No Bad Kids Toddler discipline without shame
Vanessa LaPointe (2015) Discipline Without Damage How to get your kids to behave without messing them up
Pam Leo (2007) Connection Parenting Parenting through connection instead of coercion through love instead of fear wwwConnectionParentingcom
Richard Louv (2005) Last Child in the Woods Saving our children from nature-deficit disorder
Laura Markham (2012) Peaceful Parent Happy Kids how to stop yelling and start connecting
Rachel Macy Stafford (2014) Hands Free Mama and her new book (2017) Only Love Today
Shefali Tsabary (2014) Out of Control Why disciplining your child doesnrsquot work and what will
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
Parent tips for reducing stress in children
raquo Children benefit from calm quiet spaces in their world
raquo Avoid being rushed and hurried
raquo Use quiet voices with gentle tones
raquo Have regular quiet times in your home when all electronic stuff is turned off
raquo Allow children time just lsquoto bersquo and not always be busy
raquo Children sense their parentsrsquo stress and react to it mdash so reduce your stress
raquo Ensure children have good night sleep patterns
raquo Calmness can be learned mdash do a relaxation activity with them
raquo Avoid too much noise and visual stimulation in homes
raquo Avoid too much exposure to TVs computers smart phones and other electronic games and devices
raquo Create safe home environments with boundaries and routines
raquo Avoid too much significant change in childrenrsquos lives
raquo Avoid pressuring your children
raquo Soothing and reassuring children triggers oxytocin and calms children
mdash Maggie Dent Real Kids in an Unreal World (2nd edition 2016)
How to calm an overloaded nervous system in our homes centres amp classrooms
raquo Calm grown ups
raquo Routines and habits
raquo Silent sound signals
raquo Movement amp relaxation
raquo Calming music
raquo Mindfulness
raquo Low vocal tones
raquo Absorbed play
raquo Quiet corner bean bag
raquo Thinking time
raquo Regular quiet times
raquo Calming audio visualisations
raquo Laughter and lightness
raquo Plenty of nature time
Tips for soothing separation distress
Separation distress or anxiety is very common among children and Sunderland believes this distress can influence children even as old as eight
The changes of environment people routines and the number of other children they are interacting with can all cause spikes in cortisol creating those stress symptoms you might see mdash crying clinging tummy aches refusal to leave your side poor appetite restless sleep and even outbursts and tantrums
Remember this means the lsquodownstairs brainrsquo is registering threat mdash and is acting accordingly Remember too that the key stressor for children is separation from the most significant grownup who is their protector
As a starting point it is useful to explain to kids that new things places and people often make even adults feel those same feelings of being a little unsettled or anxious
Young children usually have strong imaginations and I have found that some small techniques that strengthen the connection to Mum or Dad while they are away from you can help lots
I have shared some of my strategies for dealing with separation anxiety in my article 10 Tips to Ease Separation Distress
Safe touchWhy is safe touch so important in caring relationships
Clinical studies at the American Academy of Paediatrics found that touch therapy helped premature newborn babies to gain weight It also improved asthmatic childrenrsquos breathing assisted in balancing glucose levels for diabetic children and lowered stress levels improving the immune system Researcher Tiffany Field PhD from the Touch Research Institute at the University of Miami believes that ldquotouch is as important to infants and children as eating and sleepingrdquo
Soothing touch triggers positive brain chemicals especially serotonin which quite literally soothes the nervous system of the whole child Other ways to soothe include rocking soothing calm sounds from a safe adult and listening to familiar songs or nursery rhymes
We do need to seriously reconsider the fear-driven perception we have around the safe touch of students A retired principal once told me that a lawyer had spoken to him about the legal perspective of being sued for inappropriate touching You can only be pursued legally if you have touched someone without their approval or consent This did not have to be verbal consent tacit approval was sufficient What this means is that when a child falls over or hurts his or herself and comes running with arms up for a hug we have their tacit approval Common-sense needs to prevail
What needs to happen in our homes and schools to ensure that our children know what safe touch entails is that we must educate our children around body safety and awareness No longer can we hope that a significant grown-up has given them some guidance In our highly sexualised world where explicit images and pornography can be found without even looking for them we must give our children the tools to be able to understand where touch is no longer safe for themselves or for others
How can we build more safe touch in our homes
01 If your young children find their way to your bed in the middle of the night because theyrsquore frightened welcome them immediately If you find it difficult to sleep with a squirming wriggling little one in your bed it is completely okay for one of the grown-ups to go and sleep in their bed (especially if your little one wonrsquot settle back into their bed) The important thing is to soothe the fear or the need to be close first One day you will miss the fact that they no longer turn up for a nightly snuggle
02 Be mindful of gentle touching your children more often ndash a gentle hand on the shoulder holding their hands ruffling their hair non-annoying tickling sitting really closely on the couch being really close when you read stories picking them up and holding them close in a hug secret handshakes and high fives all keep physical intimacy alive and well
03 Help your children to create a list of people they feel are safe to allow them to touch them respectfully We still need to be mindful that even the people in this safe circle need to be respectful of when children give their tacit approval to be held or touched My beautiful two-year-old granddaughter can be slow to warm when we first reconnect and I will always offer her a loving verbal greeting however with no pressure for her to respond equally She is just two and has a long way to go to understand the nuances of human interaction particularly communication Adolescents struggle in a similar way and again it is not a sign of disrespect ndash although it is often seen as that ndash or a sign that they donrsquot care for the people who are trying to communicate to them They also improve with continued growth of the prefrontal cortex
04 Each child will have a certain preference around safe touch Personal space is different for us all Some of our children particularly those with sensory processing disorder (SPD) or who are on the spectrum prefer not to be touched at all Some prefer very vigorous rugby style hugs others non-verbal gestures like a smile a wink or even a gentle nod of your head in their direction Some like to sit all over us ndash and often Some might like a gentle head massage or even a back tickle It can be really helpful when we follow their preferences and we are able to meet that hunger for safe touch
05 There is a special spot high up on the back below the neck (between the shoulders) that is particularly sensitive when touched in a gentle and slow way It has been called the tickle spot
It is a bit like an accelerator button that can trigger serotonin which is a calming brain chemical Sometimes in situations where we can see our children struggling gently stroking this spot can actually help them calm down and feel soothed I have used this spot often in the queue in shopping centres when my lads were starting to get restless
06 The calmer our children are the more receptive they will be to being touched in a loving way Sometimes when they are really stressed and could benefit from loving safe touch they reject it or push it away
07 It can be helpful having a conversation with those who are in your close parenting circle of family or friends about safe touch Tell those who you trust that you encourage safe touch I remember one of my sonrsquos best friends who was dealing with the sudden death of his dad telling my son that my hugs were all soft and squishy and they felt good Personally it took me a long time to be comfortable with other people touching me in a caring way and Irsquom a firm believer in the power of a good hug when itrsquos welcome
08 Sometimes being held with love by a trusted person can say more than any words
Dr Arthur Janov author of The Biology of Love (2000) argues that the absence of loving care early in life causes increased levels of stress for a person The result of this deprivation is high levels of cortisol that change the structure of the brain Brain scans taken of extremely violent young men show huge spaces in the pre-frontal lobe
It only takes one genuinely trustworthy person to use safe touch to reframe how a child sees the world and to reshape how their brains perceive safety and tenderness Our world needs more love kindness and gentleness right now and so let the conversation begin
Sibling conflict a normal part of family lifeldquoThere is no way around it Sibling rivalry is universal After all every human is genetically programmed to protect resources that will help him survive and your children depend on and compete for what are in fact precious resources mdash your time and attention
I found that parenting gets a lot easier when we as parents can do 3 very hard things
1 Regulate our emotions
2 Stay connected with our child even when wersquore setting limits or the child is upset
3 Coach instead of controlling by fostering emotional intelligence guiding with empathetic limits instead of punishment and supporting masteryrdquo
mdash Dr Laura Markham Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life (2015)
Sibling rivalry is indeed one of lifersquos great teachers Indeed it helps us learn how to get along with others It also helps put a bit more sensitivity into our feisty lsquoroosterrsquo children and a bit more lsquoroosterrsquo into our sensitive lambs when parenting children of different temperaments
I have written an article about sibling rivalry that offers more detail on where it comes from rivalry between roosters and lambs and how to manage it and how to turn aggression into awareness Read my article on sibling rivalry
How not to deal with sibling rivalryhellip
According to Dr Laura if we punish or are too permissive with our children around their fighting it only creates more fighting The reason for this is because if we are not demonstrating kindness and fairness to solve the issue our kids will model the same approach Your child will handle conflict the way you show them (Markham 2015)
Our children donrsquot learn to be empathetic compassionate human beings by being punished for sibling rivalry Instead they learn to do things simply to avoid punishment not to be intrinsically caring They donrsquot learn self-discipline (remember the Three Family Rules I wrote about earlier) they learn to use power over each other and it can make them fearful and more likely to be angry and depressed (Markham 2015)
Included in this notion of punishment are lsquotimeoutsrsquo Dr Laura and I are on the same page when it comes to thishellip timeouts can be another way of shaming our kids and disconnecting from the
When my four lads got into conflict I found a much better solution was to send them all outside together for five minutes for ldquoa change of sceneryrdquo Invariably after five minutes they wouldnrsquot bother coming back in because being outside had shifted their mood and they got caught up in a new game
So what does help
The key is to help siblings see the world through their siblingrsquos eyes ndash to show why something is not fair or may be unkind or just plain wrong
My suggestions
raquo Stay calm
raquo Ensure safety of all
raquo Make sense of what is happening
raquo Re-connect to family rules
raquo Avoid making quick judgements
raquo Allow calm down time while being nearby
raquo Connect with all parties in a warm way AFTERWARDS
OR Use a nudge
ldquoA nudge is essentially a means of encouraging or guiding behaviour but without mandating or instructing and ideally without the need for heavy financial incentives or sanctions Sometimes behaviour changes with a surprisingly light touchrdquo
mdash David Halpern Inside the Nudge Unit How small changes can make a big difference (2015)
Basically a nudge is a bit of gentle positive persuasion ndash hints suggestions helpful comments hellip
If you reduce friction a nudge can be a potent way of clearing the path to make it easy for people to do something that they probably already intended to do but had not got around to it
01 Unexpected small reward in private
02 A quiet thank you and a positive touch moment in private
03 Positive noticing
04 Mention good conflict solving at family meeting
05 Let kids hear you tell someone else how great they have been
06 Tell your kids they are smart and can work out ways to sort out conflict themselves
07 Change location when things get a bit lsquoouchyrsquo in a calm and warm way
08 Use lightness and novelty
09 Inspirational images around the house reminding everyone within that lsquolove lives herersquo and reflecting your familyrsquos values
Tips from Dr Laura01 Talk about feelings
02 Ask questions about feelings needs wants and choices
03 Explain and model ndash expect to repeat yourself
04 Practice finding win-win solutions
05 Model lsquoIrsquo statements ldquoI feel hellipBecause I wantneed hellip And I observed that hellip eg I feel worried because I want to get there on time and I see that you arenrsquot ready to leave yet so please put on your shoesrdquo
06 Model pro social behaviour
mdash Dr Laura Markham Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life (2015)
and alsoRead Dr Laurarsquos blog ldquoWhy punishment doesnrsquot teach your child accountabilityrdquo for more on punishment
Read her ldquoWhatrsquos Wrong With Timeoutsrdquo blog to find out why time outs are also not a great response to sibling conflicts
And her Siblings 101 blog has some fantastic tips for turning sibling rivalry around
You can find all of Dr Laura Markhamrsquos helpful blogs and her two Peaceful Parent books at wwwahaparentingcom
Your new role is as an interpreter mdash which is technically emotional coaching
And a few notes on some other dilemmas for anyone raising or working with childrenhellip
Telling liesEveryone tells lies
Some children are often frightened into telling lies
Explain the difference between black lies and white lies
Spend time honouring the truth
Read picture books about honesty ndash Franklin Fibs Aesoprsquos Fables Pig the Pug Fibber
I have done a video blog about when children tell lies so take a few minutes to watch that to hear my suggestions
Watch Telling Lies Blog
You might also be interested in this very interesting article talking about research that suggests children who are subjected to punitive methods of discipline are less likely to be honest
Tsunami of Technology ndash Keeping the Balance
The benefits of technology are a given However there are concerns and we need to be aware of those
Concerns to keep in mind
raquo Posture problems
raquo Learning the lsquoplay codersquo
raquo Impact on human communication amp intimacy
raquo Passivity
raquo Sleep issues
raquo Dopamine receptor changes
raquo Short sightedness
raquo Instant entertainment
raquo Language saturation
raquo Creativity
raquo Boredom
raquo Addictive usage
Recommendations
01 As little as possible under 5
02 Never allow screens in bedroom
03 Have excellent remote parental controls on all devices and PCsApples ndash I recommend you take a look at Family Zone
04 Make sure your children are only able to access Kids YouTube
05 Have clear boundaries especially at night
06 Keep in mind the use mdash educational vs entertainment
07 Best use is when there is interaction with others
08 Have a basket for all hand held screens including parentsrsquo around meal times or other together times
09 Check other parentsrsquo boundaries before allowing children to visit ndash be strong
10 Have techno free times for fun
I have a few articles and resources on screens at my common concerns page on screen time httpswwwmaggiedentcomcommon-concernsscreen-time
As a parent or adult caring for children be mindful of Digital Abandonment
Watch my video blog on Digital Abandonment in Modern Families
I am so impressed with the work being done on the digital dilemma for parents by Dr Kristy Goodwin Please take the time to check out her blog and her excellent book Raising Your Child in a Digital World httpdrkristygoodwincom
REFERENCES Dent M (2014) 9 Things A back-to-basics guide to calm common-sense connected parenting birth-8 Murwillumbah NSW Pennington Publications
Dent M (2016) Real Kids in an Unreal World Building resilience amp self-esteem in todayrsquos children Murwillumbah NSW Pennington Publications
Dent M (2003) Saving Our children from Our Chaotic World Teaching children the magic of silence and stillness Dunsborough WA Pennington Publications
Doidge N (2007) The Brain That Changes Itself Stories of personal triumph from the frontiers of brain science New York Viking
Fuller A (2007) Tricky kids Transforming conflict and freeing their potential Sydney Finch Publishing
Goleman D (1996) Emotional Intelligence Why it can matter more than IQ UK Bloomsbury Publishing
Goodwin K (2016) Raising Your Child in a Digital World Sydney Finch Publishing
Grille R (2008) Heart to Heart Parenting Nurturing your childrsquos emotional intelligence from conception to school age Sydney ABC Books
Grille R (2013) Parenting for a Peaceful World (second edition) Asheville NC Vox Cordis Press
Halpern D (2009) Inside the Nudge Unit How small changes can make a big difference UK WHAllen
Janov A (2000) The Biology of Love New York Prometheus Books
Jensen E (2006) Enriching the Brain San Francisco CA Jossey-Bass
Markham L (2015) Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life New York TarcherPerigree
Neufeld G amp Mateacute G (2005) Hold On to Your Kids Why parents need to matter more than peers New York Ballantine Books
Rando L (2010) Caring and Connected Parenting A guide to raising connected children from birth to 4 years CA USA The Spiritual Alliance to Stop Intimate Violence
Shanker S (2016) (with Teresa Barker) Self-Reg How to help your child (and you) break the stress cycle and successfully engage with life Penguin Press
Siegel D J MD amp Bryson T P PhD (2011) The Whole-Brain Child 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your childrsquos developing mind survive everyday parenting struggles and help your family thrive New York Delacorte Press
Sunderland M (2007) The Science of Parenting How todayrsquos brain research can help you raise happy emotionally balanced children New York DK Publishing
Thomas P (2006) Stress in Early Childhood Helping children and their carers ACT Australia Early Childhood Australia
amp some other good readsNaomi Aldort (2005) Raising Our Children Raising Ourselves
Marcy Axness (2012) Parenting for Peace Raising the next generation of peacemakers
All of Steve Biddulphrsquos books Raising Boys Raising Girls The New Manhood The Secret of Happy Childrenhellip
Breacutene Brown (2013) The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting Raising children with courage compassion amp connection Audio CD
Gary Chapman amp Ross Campbell (2012) The 5 Love Languages of Children
Shelley Davidow (2014) Raising Stress-Proof Kids Parenting todayrsquos children in tomorrowrsquos world
Carol Dweck (2012) Mindset The new psychology of success
Tim Gill (2007) No Fear Growing up in a risk averse society
Peter Gray (2013) Free to Learn Why unleashing the instinct to play will make our children happier more self-reliant and better students for life
Jo Jackson King (2010) Raising the Best Possible Child How to navigate parenting myths and bring up confident happy kids
Janet Lansbury (2014) Elevating Child Care A guide to respectful parenting AND No Bad Kids Toddler discipline without shame
Vanessa LaPointe (2015) Discipline Without Damage How to get your kids to behave without messing them up
Pam Leo (2007) Connection Parenting Parenting through connection instead of coercion through love instead of fear wwwConnectionParentingcom
Richard Louv (2005) Last Child in the Woods Saving our children from nature-deficit disorder
Laura Markham (2012) Peaceful Parent Happy Kids how to stop yelling and start connecting
Rachel Macy Stafford (2014) Hands Free Mama and her new book (2017) Only Love Today
Shefali Tsabary (2014) Out of Control Why disciplining your child doesnrsquot work and what will
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
raquo Absorbed play
raquo Quiet corner bean bag
raquo Thinking time
raquo Regular quiet times
raquo Calming audio visualisations
raquo Laughter and lightness
raquo Plenty of nature time
Tips for soothing separation distress
Separation distress or anxiety is very common among children and Sunderland believes this distress can influence children even as old as eight
The changes of environment people routines and the number of other children they are interacting with can all cause spikes in cortisol creating those stress symptoms you might see mdash crying clinging tummy aches refusal to leave your side poor appetite restless sleep and even outbursts and tantrums
Remember this means the lsquodownstairs brainrsquo is registering threat mdash and is acting accordingly Remember too that the key stressor for children is separation from the most significant grownup who is their protector
As a starting point it is useful to explain to kids that new things places and people often make even adults feel those same feelings of being a little unsettled or anxious
Young children usually have strong imaginations and I have found that some small techniques that strengthen the connection to Mum or Dad while they are away from you can help lots
I have shared some of my strategies for dealing with separation anxiety in my article 10 Tips to Ease Separation Distress
Safe touchWhy is safe touch so important in caring relationships
Clinical studies at the American Academy of Paediatrics found that touch therapy helped premature newborn babies to gain weight It also improved asthmatic childrenrsquos breathing assisted in balancing glucose levels for diabetic children and lowered stress levels improving the immune system Researcher Tiffany Field PhD from the Touch Research Institute at the University of Miami believes that ldquotouch is as important to infants and children as eating and sleepingrdquo
Soothing touch triggers positive brain chemicals especially serotonin which quite literally soothes the nervous system of the whole child Other ways to soothe include rocking soothing calm sounds from a safe adult and listening to familiar songs or nursery rhymes
We do need to seriously reconsider the fear-driven perception we have around the safe touch of students A retired principal once told me that a lawyer had spoken to him about the legal perspective of being sued for inappropriate touching You can only be pursued legally if you have touched someone without their approval or consent This did not have to be verbal consent tacit approval was sufficient What this means is that when a child falls over or hurts his or herself and comes running with arms up for a hug we have their tacit approval Common-sense needs to prevail
What needs to happen in our homes and schools to ensure that our children know what safe touch entails is that we must educate our children around body safety and awareness No longer can we hope that a significant grown-up has given them some guidance In our highly sexualised world where explicit images and pornography can be found without even looking for them we must give our children the tools to be able to understand where touch is no longer safe for themselves or for others
How can we build more safe touch in our homes
01 If your young children find their way to your bed in the middle of the night because theyrsquore frightened welcome them immediately If you find it difficult to sleep with a squirming wriggling little one in your bed it is completely okay for one of the grown-ups to go and sleep in their bed (especially if your little one wonrsquot settle back into their bed) The important thing is to soothe the fear or the need to be close first One day you will miss the fact that they no longer turn up for a nightly snuggle
02 Be mindful of gentle touching your children more often ndash a gentle hand on the shoulder holding their hands ruffling their hair non-annoying tickling sitting really closely on the couch being really close when you read stories picking them up and holding them close in a hug secret handshakes and high fives all keep physical intimacy alive and well
03 Help your children to create a list of people they feel are safe to allow them to touch them respectfully We still need to be mindful that even the people in this safe circle need to be respectful of when children give their tacit approval to be held or touched My beautiful two-year-old granddaughter can be slow to warm when we first reconnect and I will always offer her a loving verbal greeting however with no pressure for her to respond equally She is just two and has a long way to go to understand the nuances of human interaction particularly communication Adolescents struggle in a similar way and again it is not a sign of disrespect ndash although it is often seen as that ndash or a sign that they donrsquot care for the people who are trying to communicate to them They also improve with continued growth of the prefrontal cortex
04 Each child will have a certain preference around safe touch Personal space is different for us all Some of our children particularly those with sensory processing disorder (SPD) or who are on the spectrum prefer not to be touched at all Some prefer very vigorous rugby style hugs others non-verbal gestures like a smile a wink or even a gentle nod of your head in their direction Some like to sit all over us ndash and often Some might like a gentle head massage or even a back tickle It can be really helpful when we follow their preferences and we are able to meet that hunger for safe touch
05 There is a special spot high up on the back below the neck (between the shoulders) that is particularly sensitive when touched in a gentle and slow way It has been called the tickle spot
It is a bit like an accelerator button that can trigger serotonin which is a calming brain chemical Sometimes in situations where we can see our children struggling gently stroking this spot can actually help them calm down and feel soothed I have used this spot often in the queue in shopping centres when my lads were starting to get restless
06 The calmer our children are the more receptive they will be to being touched in a loving way Sometimes when they are really stressed and could benefit from loving safe touch they reject it or push it away
07 It can be helpful having a conversation with those who are in your close parenting circle of family or friends about safe touch Tell those who you trust that you encourage safe touch I remember one of my sonrsquos best friends who was dealing with the sudden death of his dad telling my son that my hugs were all soft and squishy and they felt good Personally it took me a long time to be comfortable with other people touching me in a caring way and Irsquom a firm believer in the power of a good hug when itrsquos welcome
08 Sometimes being held with love by a trusted person can say more than any words
Dr Arthur Janov author of The Biology of Love (2000) argues that the absence of loving care early in life causes increased levels of stress for a person The result of this deprivation is high levels of cortisol that change the structure of the brain Brain scans taken of extremely violent young men show huge spaces in the pre-frontal lobe
It only takes one genuinely trustworthy person to use safe touch to reframe how a child sees the world and to reshape how their brains perceive safety and tenderness Our world needs more love kindness and gentleness right now and so let the conversation begin
Sibling conflict a normal part of family lifeldquoThere is no way around it Sibling rivalry is universal After all every human is genetically programmed to protect resources that will help him survive and your children depend on and compete for what are in fact precious resources mdash your time and attention
I found that parenting gets a lot easier when we as parents can do 3 very hard things
1 Regulate our emotions
2 Stay connected with our child even when wersquore setting limits or the child is upset
3 Coach instead of controlling by fostering emotional intelligence guiding with empathetic limits instead of punishment and supporting masteryrdquo
mdash Dr Laura Markham Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life (2015)
Sibling rivalry is indeed one of lifersquos great teachers Indeed it helps us learn how to get along with others It also helps put a bit more sensitivity into our feisty lsquoroosterrsquo children and a bit more lsquoroosterrsquo into our sensitive lambs when parenting children of different temperaments
I have written an article about sibling rivalry that offers more detail on where it comes from rivalry between roosters and lambs and how to manage it and how to turn aggression into awareness Read my article on sibling rivalry
How not to deal with sibling rivalryhellip
According to Dr Laura if we punish or are too permissive with our children around their fighting it only creates more fighting The reason for this is because if we are not demonstrating kindness and fairness to solve the issue our kids will model the same approach Your child will handle conflict the way you show them (Markham 2015)
Our children donrsquot learn to be empathetic compassionate human beings by being punished for sibling rivalry Instead they learn to do things simply to avoid punishment not to be intrinsically caring They donrsquot learn self-discipline (remember the Three Family Rules I wrote about earlier) they learn to use power over each other and it can make them fearful and more likely to be angry and depressed (Markham 2015)
Included in this notion of punishment are lsquotimeoutsrsquo Dr Laura and I are on the same page when it comes to thishellip timeouts can be another way of shaming our kids and disconnecting from the
When my four lads got into conflict I found a much better solution was to send them all outside together for five minutes for ldquoa change of sceneryrdquo Invariably after five minutes they wouldnrsquot bother coming back in because being outside had shifted their mood and they got caught up in a new game
So what does help
The key is to help siblings see the world through their siblingrsquos eyes ndash to show why something is not fair or may be unkind or just plain wrong
My suggestions
raquo Stay calm
raquo Ensure safety of all
raquo Make sense of what is happening
raquo Re-connect to family rules
raquo Avoid making quick judgements
raquo Allow calm down time while being nearby
raquo Connect with all parties in a warm way AFTERWARDS
OR Use a nudge
ldquoA nudge is essentially a means of encouraging or guiding behaviour but without mandating or instructing and ideally without the need for heavy financial incentives or sanctions Sometimes behaviour changes with a surprisingly light touchrdquo
mdash David Halpern Inside the Nudge Unit How small changes can make a big difference (2015)
Basically a nudge is a bit of gentle positive persuasion ndash hints suggestions helpful comments hellip
If you reduce friction a nudge can be a potent way of clearing the path to make it easy for people to do something that they probably already intended to do but had not got around to it
01 Unexpected small reward in private
02 A quiet thank you and a positive touch moment in private
03 Positive noticing
04 Mention good conflict solving at family meeting
05 Let kids hear you tell someone else how great they have been
06 Tell your kids they are smart and can work out ways to sort out conflict themselves
07 Change location when things get a bit lsquoouchyrsquo in a calm and warm way
08 Use lightness and novelty
09 Inspirational images around the house reminding everyone within that lsquolove lives herersquo and reflecting your familyrsquos values
Tips from Dr Laura01 Talk about feelings
02 Ask questions about feelings needs wants and choices
03 Explain and model ndash expect to repeat yourself
04 Practice finding win-win solutions
05 Model lsquoIrsquo statements ldquoI feel hellipBecause I wantneed hellip And I observed that hellip eg I feel worried because I want to get there on time and I see that you arenrsquot ready to leave yet so please put on your shoesrdquo
06 Model pro social behaviour
mdash Dr Laura Markham Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life (2015)
and alsoRead Dr Laurarsquos blog ldquoWhy punishment doesnrsquot teach your child accountabilityrdquo for more on punishment
Read her ldquoWhatrsquos Wrong With Timeoutsrdquo blog to find out why time outs are also not a great response to sibling conflicts
And her Siblings 101 blog has some fantastic tips for turning sibling rivalry around
You can find all of Dr Laura Markhamrsquos helpful blogs and her two Peaceful Parent books at wwwahaparentingcom
Your new role is as an interpreter mdash which is technically emotional coaching
And a few notes on some other dilemmas for anyone raising or working with childrenhellip
Telling liesEveryone tells lies
Some children are often frightened into telling lies
Explain the difference between black lies and white lies
Spend time honouring the truth
Read picture books about honesty ndash Franklin Fibs Aesoprsquos Fables Pig the Pug Fibber
I have done a video blog about when children tell lies so take a few minutes to watch that to hear my suggestions
Watch Telling Lies Blog
You might also be interested in this very interesting article talking about research that suggests children who are subjected to punitive methods of discipline are less likely to be honest
Tsunami of Technology ndash Keeping the Balance
The benefits of technology are a given However there are concerns and we need to be aware of those
Concerns to keep in mind
raquo Posture problems
raquo Learning the lsquoplay codersquo
raquo Impact on human communication amp intimacy
raquo Passivity
raquo Sleep issues
raquo Dopamine receptor changes
raquo Short sightedness
raquo Instant entertainment
raquo Language saturation
raquo Creativity
raquo Boredom
raquo Addictive usage
Recommendations
01 As little as possible under 5
02 Never allow screens in bedroom
03 Have excellent remote parental controls on all devices and PCsApples ndash I recommend you take a look at Family Zone
04 Make sure your children are only able to access Kids YouTube
05 Have clear boundaries especially at night
06 Keep in mind the use mdash educational vs entertainment
07 Best use is when there is interaction with others
08 Have a basket for all hand held screens including parentsrsquo around meal times or other together times
09 Check other parentsrsquo boundaries before allowing children to visit ndash be strong
10 Have techno free times for fun
I have a few articles and resources on screens at my common concerns page on screen time httpswwwmaggiedentcomcommon-concernsscreen-time
As a parent or adult caring for children be mindful of Digital Abandonment
Watch my video blog on Digital Abandonment in Modern Families
I am so impressed with the work being done on the digital dilemma for parents by Dr Kristy Goodwin Please take the time to check out her blog and her excellent book Raising Your Child in a Digital World httpdrkristygoodwincom
REFERENCES Dent M (2014) 9 Things A back-to-basics guide to calm common-sense connected parenting birth-8 Murwillumbah NSW Pennington Publications
Dent M (2016) Real Kids in an Unreal World Building resilience amp self-esteem in todayrsquos children Murwillumbah NSW Pennington Publications
Dent M (2003) Saving Our children from Our Chaotic World Teaching children the magic of silence and stillness Dunsborough WA Pennington Publications
Doidge N (2007) The Brain That Changes Itself Stories of personal triumph from the frontiers of brain science New York Viking
Fuller A (2007) Tricky kids Transforming conflict and freeing their potential Sydney Finch Publishing
Goleman D (1996) Emotional Intelligence Why it can matter more than IQ UK Bloomsbury Publishing
Goodwin K (2016) Raising Your Child in a Digital World Sydney Finch Publishing
Grille R (2008) Heart to Heart Parenting Nurturing your childrsquos emotional intelligence from conception to school age Sydney ABC Books
Grille R (2013) Parenting for a Peaceful World (second edition) Asheville NC Vox Cordis Press
Halpern D (2009) Inside the Nudge Unit How small changes can make a big difference UK WHAllen
Janov A (2000) The Biology of Love New York Prometheus Books
Jensen E (2006) Enriching the Brain San Francisco CA Jossey-Bass
Markham L (2015) Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life New York TarcherPerigree
Neufeld G amp Mateacute G (2005) Hold On to Your Kids Why parents need to matter more than peers New York Ballantine Books
Rando L (2010) Caring and Connected Parenting A guide to raising connected children from birth to 4 years CA USA The Spiritual Alliance to Stop Intimate Violence
Shanker S (2016) (with Teresa Barker) Self-Reg How to help your child (and you) break the stress cycle and successfully engage with life Penguin Press
Siegel D J MD amp Bryson T P PhD (2011) The Whole-Brain Child 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your childrsquos developing mind survive everyday parenting struggles and help your family thrive New York Delacorte Press
Sunderland M (2007) The Science of Parenting How todayrsquos brain research can help you raise happy emotionally balanced children New York DK Publishing
Thomas P (2006) Stress in Early Childhood Helping children and their carers ACT Australia Early Childhood Australia
amp some other good readsNaomi Aldort (2005) Raising Our Children Raising Ourselves
Marcy Axness (2012) Parenting for Peace Raising the next generation of peacemakers
All of Steve Biddulphrsquos books Raising Boys Raising Girls The New Manhood The Secret of Happy Childrenhellip
Breacutene Brown (2013) The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting Raising children with courage compassion amp connection Audio CD
Gary Chapman amp Ross Campbell (2012) The 5 Love Languages of Children
Shelley Davidow (2014) Raising Stress-Proof Kids Parenting todayrsquos children in tomorrowrsquos world
Carol Dweck (2012) Mindset The new psychology of success
Tim Gill (2007) No Fear Growing up in a risk averse society
Peter Gray (2013) Free to Learn Why unleashing the instinct to play will make our children happier more self-reliant and better students for life
Jo Jackson King (2010) Raising the Best Possible Child How to navigate parenting myths and bring up confident happy kids
Janet Lansbury (2014) Elevating Child Care A guide to respectful parenting AND No Bad Kids Toddler discipline without shame
Vanessa LaPointe (2015) Discipline Without Damage How to get your kids to behave without messing them up
Pam Leo (2007) Connection Parenting Parenting through connection instead of coercion through love instead of fear wwwConnectionParentingcom
Richard Louv (2005) Last Child in the Woods Saving our children from nature-deficit disorder
Laura Markham (2012) Peaceful Parent Happy Kids how to stop yelling and start connecting
Rachel Macy Stafford (2014) Hands Free Mama and her new book (2017) Only Love Today
Shefali Tsabary (2014) Out of Control Why disciplining your child doesnrsquot work and what will
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
Soothing touch triggers positive brain chemicals especially serotonin which quite literally soothes the nervous system of the whole child Other ways to soothe include rocking soothing calm sounds from a safe adult and listening to familiar songs or nursery rhymes
We do need to seriously reconsider the fear-driven perception we have around the safe touch of students A retired principal once told me that a lawyer had spoken to him about the legal perspective of being sued for inappropriate touching You can only be pursued legally if you have touched someone without their approval or consent This did not have to be verbal consent tacit approval was sufficient What this means is that when a child falls over or hurts his or herself and comes running with arms up for a hug we have their tacit approval Common-sense needs to prevail
What needs to happen in our homes and schools to ensure that our children know what safe touch entails is that we must educate our children around body safety and awareness No longer can we hope that a significant grown-up has given them some guidance In our highly sexualised world where explicit images and pornography can be found without even looking for them we must give our children the tools to be able to understand where touch is no longer safe for themselves or for others
How can we build more safe touch in our homes
01 If your young children find their way to your bed in the middle of the night because theyrsquore frightened welcome them immediately If you find it difficult to sleep with a squirming wriggling little one in your bed it is completely okay for one of the grown-ups to go and sleep in their bed (especially if your little one wonrsquot settle back into their bed) The important thing is to soothe the fear or the need to be close first One day you will miss the fact that they no longer turn up for a nightly snuggle
02 Be mindful of gentle touching your children more often ndash a gentle hand on the shoulder holding their hands ruffling their hair non-annoying tickling sitting really closely on the couch being really close when you read stories picking them up and holding them close in a hug secret handshakes and high fives all keep physical intimacy alive and well
03 Help your children to create a list of people they feel are safe to allow them to touch them respectfully We still need to be mindful that even the people in this safe circle need to be respectful of when children give their tacit approval to be held or touched My beautiful two-year-old granddaughter can be slow to warm when we first reconnect and I will always offer her a loving verbal greeting however with no pressure for her to respond equally She is just two and has a long way to go to understand the nuances of human interaction particularly communication Adolescents struggle in a similar way and again it is not a sign of disrespect ndash although it is often seen as that ndash or a sign that they donrsquot care for the people who are trying to communicate to them They also improve with continued growth of the prefrontal cortex
04 Each child will have a certain preference around safe touch Personal space is different for us all Some of our children particularly those with sensory processing disorder (SPD) or who are on the spectrum prefer not to be touched at all Some prefer very vigorous rugby style hugs others non-verbal gestures like a smile a wink or even a gentle nod of your head in their direction Some like to sit all over us ndash and often Some might like a gentle head massage or even a back tickle It can be really helpful when we follow their preferences and we are able to meet that hunger for safe touch
05 There is a special spot high up on the back below the neck (between the shoulders) that is particularly sensitive when touched in a gentle and slow way It has been called the tickle spot
It is a bit like an accelerator button that can trigger serotonin which is a calming brain chemical Sometimes in situations where we can see our children struggling gently stroking this spot can actually help them calm down and feel soothed I have used this spot often in the queue in shopping centres when my lads were starting to get restless
06 The calmer our children are the more receptive they will be to being touched in a loving way Sometimes when they are really stressed and could benefit from loving safe touch they reject it or push it away
07 It can be helpful having a conversation with those who are in your close parenting circle of family or friends about safe touch Tell those who you trust that you encourage safe touch I remember one of my sonrsquos best friends who was dealing with the sudden death of his dad telling my son that my hugs were all soft and squishy and they felt good Personally it took me a long time to be comfortable with other people touching me in a caring way and Irsquom a firm believer in the power of a good hug when itrsquos welcome
08 Sometimes being held with love by a trusted person can say more than any words
Dr Arthur Janov author of The Biology of Love (2000) argues that the absence of loving care early in life causes increased levels of stress for a person The result of this deprivation is high levels of cortisol that change the structure of the brain Brain scans taken of extremely violent young men show huge spaces in the pre-frontal lobe
It only takes one genuinely trustworthy person to use safe touch to reframe how a child sees the world and to reshape how their brains perceive safety and tenderness Our world needs more love kindness and gentleness right now and so let the conversation begin
Sibling conflict a normal part of family lifeldquoThere is no way around it Sibling rivalry is universal After all every human is genetically programmed to protect resources that will help him survive and your children depend on and compete for what are in fact precious resources mdash your time and attention
I found that parenting gets a lot easier when we as parents can do 3 very hard things
1 Regulate our emotions
2 Stay connected with our child even when wersquore setting limits or the child is upset
3 Coach instead of controlling by fostering emotional intelligence guiding with empathetic limits instead of punishment and supporting masteryrdquo
mdash Dr Laura Markham Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life (2015)
Sibling rivalry is indeed one of lifersquos great teachers Indeed it helps us learn how to get along with others It also helps put a bit more sensitivity into our feisty lsquoroosterrsquo children and a bit more lsquoroosterrsquo into our sensitive lambs when parenting children of different temperaments
I have written an article about sibling rivalry that offers more detail on where it comes from rivalry between roosters and lambs and how to manage it and how to turn aggression into awareness Read my article on sibling rivalry
How not to deal with sibling rivalryhellip
According to Dr Laura if we punish or are too permissive with our children around their fighting it only creates more fighting The reason for this is because if we are not demonstrating kindness and fairness to solve the issue our kids will model the same approach Your child will handle conflict the way you show them (Markham 2015)
Our children donrsquot learn to be empathetic compassionate human beings by being punished for sibling rivalry Instead they learn to do things simply to avoid punishment not to be intrinsically caring They donrsquot learn self-discipline (remember the Three Family Rules I wrote about earlier) they learn to use power over each other and it can make them fearful and more likely to be angry and depressed (Markham 2015)
Included in this notion of punishment are lsquotimeoutsrsquo Dr Laura and I are on the same page when it comes to thishellip timeouts can be another way of shaming our kids and disconnecting from the
When my four lads got into conflict I found a much better solution was to send them all outside together for five minutes for ldquoa change of sceneryrdquo Invariably after five minutes they wouldnrsquot bother coming back in because being outside had shifted their mood and they got caught up in a new game
So what does help
The key is to help siblings see the world through their siblingrsquos eyes ndash to show why something is not fair or may be unkind or just plain wrong
My suggestions
raquo Stay calm
raquo Ensure safety of all
raquo Make sense of what is happening
raquo Re-connect to family rules
raquo Avoid making quick judgements
raquo Allow calm down time while being nearby
raquo Connect with all parties in a warm way AFTERWARDS
OR Use a nudge
ldquoA nudge is essentially a means of encouraging or guiding behaviour but without mandating or instructing and ideally without the need for heavy financial incentives or sanctions Sometimes behaviour changes with a surprisingly light touchrdquo
mdash David Halpern Inside the Nudge Unit How small changes can make a big difference (2015)
Basically a nudge is a bit of gentle positive persuasion ndash hints suggestions helpful comments hellip
If you reduce friction a nudge can be a potent way of clearing the path to make it easy for people to do something that they probably already intended to do but had not got around to it
01 Unexpected small reward in private
02 A quiet thank you and a positive touch moment in private
03 Positive noticing
04 Mention good conflict solving at family meeting
05 Let kids hear you tell someone else how great they have been
06 Tell your kids they are smart and can work out ways to sort out conflict themselves
07 Change location when things get a bit lsquoouchyrsquo in a calm and warm way
08 Use lightness and novelty
09 Inspirational images around the house reminding everyone within that lsquolove lives herersquo and reflecting your familyrsquos values
Tips from Dr Laura01 Talk about feelings
02 Ask questions about feelings needs wants and choices
03 Explain and model ndash expect to repeat yourself
04 Practice finding win-win solutions
05 Model lsquoIrsquo statements ldquoI feel hellipBecause I wantneed hellip And I observed that hellip eg I feel worried because I want to get there on time and I see that you arenrsquot ready to leave yet so please put on your shoesrdquo
06 Model pro social behaviour
mdash Dr Laura Markham Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life (2015)
and alsoRead Dr Laurarsquos blog ldquoWhy punishment doesnrsquot teach your child accountabilityrdquo for more on punishment
Read her ldquoWhatrsquos Wrong With Timeoutsrdquo blog to find out why time outs are also not a great response to sibling conflicts
And her Siblings 101 blog has some fantastic tips for turning sibling rivalry around
You can find all of Dr Laura Markhamrsquos helpful blogs and her two Peaceful Parent books at wwwahaparentingcom
Your new role is as an interpreter mdash which is technically emotional coaching
And a few notes on some other dilemmas for anyone raising or working with childrenhellip
Telling liesEveryone tells lies
Some children are often frightened into telling lies
Explain the difference between black lies and white lies
Spend time honouring the truth
Read picture books about honesty ndash Franklin Fibs Aesoprsquos Fables Pig the Pug Fibber
I have done a video blog about when children tell lies so take a few minutes to watch that to hear my suggestions
Watch Telling Lies Blog
You might also be interested in this very interesting article talking about research that suggests children who are subjected to punitive methods of discipline are less likely to be honest
Tsunami of Technology ndash Keeping the Balance
The benefits of technology are a given However there are concerns and we need to be aware of those
Concerns to keep in mind
raquo Posture problems
raquo Learning the lsquoplay codersquo
raquo Impact on human communication amp intimacy
raquo Passivity
raquo Sleep issues
raquo Dopamine receptor changes
raquo Short sightedness
raquo Instant entertainment
raquo Language saturation
raquo Creativity
raquo Boredom
raquo Addictive usage
Recommendations
01 As little as possible under 5
02 Never allow screens in bedroom
03 Have excellent remote parental controls on all devices and PCsApples ndash I recommend you take a look at Family Zone
04 Make sure your children are only able to access Kids YouTube
05 Have clear boundaries especially at night
06 Keep in mind the use mdash educational vs entertainment
07 Best use is when there is interaction with others
08 Have a basket for all hand held screens including parentsrsquo around meal times or other together times
09 Check other parentsrsquo boundaries before allowing children to visit ndash be strong
10 Have techno free times for fun
I have a few articles and resources on screens at my common concerns page on screen time httpswwwmaggiedentcomcommon-concernsscreen-time
As a parent or adult caring for children be mindful of Digital Abandonment
Watch my video blog on Digital Abandonment in Modern Families
I am so impressed with the work being done on the digital dilemma for parents by Dr Kristy Goodwin Please take the time to check out her blog and her excellent book Raising Your Child in a Digital World httpdrkristygoodwincom
REFERENCES Dent M (2014) 9 Things A back-to-basics guide to calm common-sense connected parenting birth-8 Murwillumbah NSW Pennington Publications
Dent M (2016) Real Kids in an Unreal World Building resilience amp self-esteem in todayrsquos children Murwillumbah NSW Pennington Publications
Dent M (2003) Saving Our children from Our Chaotic World Teaching children the magic of silence and stillness Dunsborough WA Pennington Publications
Doidge N (2007) The Brain That Changes Itself Stories of personal triumph from the frontiers of brain science New York Viking
Fuller A (2007) Tricky kids Transforming conflict and freeing their potential Sydney Finch Publishing
Goleman D (1996) Emotional Intelligence Why it can matter more than IQ UK Bloomsbury Publishing
Goodwin K (2016) Raising Your Child in a Digital World Sydney Finch Publishing
Grille R (2008) Heart to Heart Parenting Nurturing your childrsquos emotional intelligence from conception to school age Sydney ABC Books
Grille R (2013) Parenting for a Peaceful World (second edition) Asheville NC Vox Cordis Press
Halpern D (2009) Inside the Nudge Unit How small changes can make a big difference UK WHAllen
Janov A (2000) The Biology of Love New York Prometheus Books
Jensen E (2006) Enriching the Brain San Francisco CA Jossey-Bass
Markham L (2015) Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life New York TarcherPerigree
Neufeld G amp Mateacute G (2005) Hold On to Your Kids Why parents need to matter more than peers New York Ballantine Books
Rando L (2010) Caring and Connected Parenting A guide to raising connected children from birth to 4 years CA USA The Spiritual Alliance to Stop Intimate Violence
Shanker S (2016) (with Teresa Barker) Self-Reg How to help your child (and you) break the stress cycle and successfully engage with life Penguin Press
Siegel D J MD amp Bryson T P PhD (2011) The Whole-Brain Child 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your childrsquos developing mind survive everyday parenting struggles and help your family thrive New York Delacorte Press
Sunderland M (2007) The Science of Parenting How todayrsquos brain research can help you raise happy emotionally balanced children New York DK Publishing
Thomas P (2006) Stress in Early Childhood Helping children and their carers ACT Australia Early Childhood Australia
amp some other good readsNaomi Aldort (2005) Raising Our Children Raising Ourselves
Marcy Axness (2012) Parenting for Peace Raising the next generation of peacemakers
All of Steve Biddulphrsquos books Raising Boys Raising Girls The New Manhood The Secret of Happy Childrenhellip
Breacutene Brown (2013) The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting Raising children with courage compassion amp connection Audio CD
Gary Chapman amp Ross Campbell (2012) The 5 Love Languages of Children
Shelley Davidow (2014) Raising Stress-Proof Kids Parenting todayrsquos children in tomorrowrsquos world
Carol Dweck (2012) Mindset The new psychology of success
Tim Gill (2007) No Fear Growing up in a risk averse society
Peter Gray (2013) Free to Learn Why unleashing the instinct to play will make our children happier more self-reliant and better students for life
Jo Jackson King (2010) Raising the Best Possible Child How to navigate parenting myths and bring up confident happy kids
Janet Lansbury (2014) Elevating Child Care A guide to respectful parenting AND No Bad Kids Toddler discipline without shame
Vanessa LaPointe (2015) Discipline Without Damage How to get your kids to behave without messing them up
Pam Leo (2007) Connection Parenting Parenting through connection instead of coercion through love instead of fear wwwConnectionParentingcom
Richard Louv (2005) Last Child in the Woods Saving our children from nature-deficit disorder
Laura Markham (2012) Peaceful Parent Happy Kids how to stop yelling and start connecting
Rachel Macy Stafford (2014) Hands Free Mama and her new book (2017) Only Love Today
Shefali Tsabary (2014) Out of Control Why disciplining your child doesnrsquot work and what will
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
It is a bit like an accelerator button that can trigger serotonin which is a calming brain chemical Sometimes in situations where we can see our children struggling gently stroking this spot can actually help them calm down and feel soothed I have used this spot often in the queue in shopping centres when my lads were starting to get restless
06 The calmer our children are the more receptive they will be to being touched in a loving way Sometimes when they are really stressed and could benefit from loving safe touch they reject it or push it away
07 It can be helpful having a conversation with those who are in your close parenting circle of family or friends about safe touch Tell those who you trust that you encourage safe touch I remember one of my sonrsquos best friends who was dealing with the sudden death of his dad telling my son that my hugs were all soft and squishy and they felt good Personally it took me a long time to be comfortable with other people touching me in a caring way and Irsquom a firm believer in the power of a good hug when itrsquos welcome
08 Sometimes being held with love by a trusted person can say more than any words
Dr Arthur Janov author of The Biology of Love (2000) argues that the absence of loving care early in life causes increased levels of stress for a person The result of this deprivation is high levels of cortisol that change the structure of the brain Brain scans taken of extremely violent young men show huge spaces in the pre-frontal lobe
It only takes one genuinely trustworthy person to use safe touch to reframe how a child sees the world and to reshape how their brains perceive safety and tenderness Our world needs more love kindness and gentleness right now and so let the conversation begin
Sibling conflict a normal part of family lifeldquoThere is no way around it Sibling rivalry is universal After all every human is genetically programmed to protect resources that will help him survive and your children depend on and compete for what are in fact precious resources mdash your time and attention
I found that parenting gets a lot easier when we as parents can do 3 very hard things
1 Regulate our emotions
2 Stay connected with our child even when wersquore setting limits or the child is upset
3 Coach instead of controlling by fostering emotional intelligence guiding with empathetic limits instead of punishment and supporting masteryrdquo
mdash Dr Laura Markham Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life (2015)
Sibling rivalry is indeed one of lifersquos great teachers Indeed it helps us learn how to get along with others It also helps put a bit more sensitivity into our feisty lsquoroosterrsquo children and a bit more lsquoroosterrsquo into our sensitive lambs when parenting children of different temperaments
I have written an article about sibling rivalry that offers more detail on where it comes from rivalry between roosters and lambs and how to manage it and how to turn aggression into awareness Read my article on sibling rivalry
How not to deal with sibling rivalryhellip
According to Dr Laura if we punish or are too permissive with our children around their fighting it only creates more fighting The reason for this is because if we are not demonstrating kindness and fairness to solve the issue our kids will model the same approach Your child will handle conflict the way you show them (Markham 2015)
Our children donrsquot learn to be empathetic compassionate human beings by being punished for sibling rivalry Instead they learn to do things simply to avoid punishment not to be intrinsically caring They donrsquot learn self-discipline (remember the Three Family Rules I wrote about earlier) they learn to use power over each other and it can make them fearful and more likely to be angry and depressed (Markham 2015)
Included in this notion of punishment are lsquotimeoutsrsquo Dr Laura and I are on the same page when it comes to thishellip timeouts can be another way of shaming our kids and disconnecting from the
When my four lads got into conflict I found a much better solution was to send them all outside together for five minutes for ldquoa change of sceneryrdquo Invariably after five minutes they wouldnrsquot bother coming back in because being outside had shifted their mood and they got caught up in a new game
So what does help
The key is to help siblings see the world through their siblingrsquos eyes ndash to show why something is not fair or may be unkind or just plain wrong
My suggestions
raquo Stay calm
raquo Ensure safety of all
raquo Make sense of what is happening
raquo Re-connect to family rules
raquo Avoid making quick judgements
raquo Allow calm down time while being nearby
raquo Connect with all parties in a warm way AFTERWARDS
OR Use a nudge
ldquoA nudge is essentially a means of encouraging or guiding behaviour but without mandating or instructing and ideally without the need for heavy financial incentives or sanctions Sometimes behaviour changes with a surprisingly light touchrdquo
mdash David Halpern Inside the Nudge Unit How small changes can make a big difference (2015)
Basically a nudge is a bit of gentle positive persuasion ndash hints suggestions helpful comments hellip
If you reduce friction a nudge can be a potent way of clearing the path to make it easy for people to do something that they probably already intended to do but had not got around to it
01 Unexpected small reward in private
02 A quiet thank you and a positive touch moment in private
03 Positive noticing
04 Mention good conflict solving at family meeting
05 Let kids hear you tell someone else how great they have been
06 Tell your kids they are smart and can work out ways to sort out conflict themselves
07 Change location when things get a bit lsquoouchyrsquo in a calm and warm way
08 Use lightness and novelty
09 Inspirational images around the house reminding everyone within that lsquolove lives herersquo and reflecting your familyrsquos values
Tips from Dr Laura01 Talk about feelings
02 Ask questions about feelings needs wants and choices
03 Explain and model ndash expect to repeat yourself
04 Practice finding win-win solutions
05 Model lsquoIrsquo statements ldquoI feel hellipBecause I wantneed hellip And I observed that hellip eg I feel worried because I want to get there on time and I see that you arenrsquot ready to leave yet so please put on your shoesrdquo
06 Model pro social behaviour
mdash Dr Laura Markham Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life (2015)
and alsoRead Dr Laurarsquos blog ldquoWhy punishment doesnrsquot teach your child accountabilityrdquo for more on punishment
Read her ldquoWhatrsquos Wrong With Timeoutsrdquo blog to find out why time outs are also not a great response to sibling conflicts
And her Siblings 101 blog has some fantastic tips for turning sibling rivalry around
You can find all of Dr Laura Markhamrsquos helpful blogs and her two Peaceful Parent books at wwwahaparentingcom
Your new role is as an interpreter mdash which is technically emotional coaching
And a few notes on some other dilemmas for anyone raising or working with childrenhellip
Telling liesEveryone tells lies
Some children are often frightened into telling lies
Explain the difference between black lies and white lies
Spend time honouring the truth
Read picture books about honesty ndash Franklin Fibs Aesoprsquos Fables Pig the Pug Fibber
I have done a video blog about when children tell lies so take a few minutes to watch that to hear my suggestions
Watch Telling Lies Blog
You might also be interested in this very interesting article talking about research that suggests children who are subjected to punitive methods of discipline are less likely to be honest
Tsunami of Technology ndash Keeping the Balance
The benefits of technology are a given However there are concerns and we need to be aware of those
Concerns to keep in mind
raquo Posture problems
raquo Learning the lsquoplay codersquo
raquo Impact on human communication amp intimacy
raquo Passivity
raquo Sleep issues
raquo Dopamine receptor changes
raquo Short sightedness
raquo Instant entertainment
raquo Language saturation
raquo Creativity
raquo Boredom
raquo Addictive usage
Recommendations
01 As little as possible under 5
02 Never allow screens in bedroom
03 Have excellent remote parental controls on all devices and PCsApples ndash I recommend you take a look at Family Zone
04 Make sure your children are only able to access Kids YouTube
05 Have clear boundaries especially at night
06 Keep in mind the use mdash educational vs entertainment
07 Best use is when there is interaction with others
08 Have a basket for all hand held screens including parentsrsquo around meal times or other together times
09 Check other parentsrsquo boundaries before allowing children to visit ndash be strong
10 Have techno free times for fun
I have a few articles and resources on screens at my common concerns page on screen time httpswwwmaggiedentcomcommon-concernsscreen-time
As a parent or adult caring for children be mindful of Digital Abandonment
Watch my video blog on Digital Abandonment in Modern Families
I am so impressed with the work being done on the digital dilemma for parents by Dr Kristy Goodwin Please take the time to check out her blog and her excellent book Raising Your Child in a Digital World httpdrkristygoodwincom
REFERENCES Dent M (2014) 9 Things A back-to-basics guide to calm common-sense connected parenting birth-8 Murwillumbah NSW Pennington Publications
Dent M (2016) Real Kids in an Unreal World Building resilience amp self-esteem in todayrsquos children Murwillumbah NSW Pennington Publications
Dent M (2003) Saving Our children from Our Chaotic World Teaching children the magic of silence and stillness Dunsborough WA Pennington Publications
Doidge N (2007) The Brain That Changes Itself Stories of personal triumph from the frontiers of brain science New York Viking
Fuller A (2007) Tricky kids Transforming conflict and freeing their potential Sydney Finch Publishing
Goleman D (1996) Emotional Intelligence Why it can matter more than IQ UK Bloomsbury Publishing
Goodwin K (2016) Raising Your Child in a Digital World Sydney Finch Publishing
Grille R (2008) Heart to Heart Parenting Nurturing your childrsquos emotional intelligence from conception to school age Sydney ABC Books
Grille R (2013) Parenting for a Peaceful World (second edition) Asheville NC Vox Cordis Press
Halpern D (2009) Inside the Nudge Unit How small changes can make a big difference UK WHAllen
Janov A (2000) The Biology of Love New York Prometheus Books
Jensen E (2006) Enriching the Brain San Francisco CA Jossey-Bass
Markham L (2015) Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life New York TarcherPerigree
Neufeld G amp Mateacute G (2005) Hold On to Your Kids Why parents need to matter more than peers New York Ballantine Books
Rando L (2010) Caring and Connected Parenting A guide to raising connected children from birth to 4 years CA USA The Spiritual Alliance to Stop Intimate Violence
Shanker S (2016) (with Teresa Barker) Self-Reg How to help your child (and you) break the stress cycle and successfully engage with life Penguin Press
Siegel D J MD amp Bryson T P PhD (2011) The Whole-Brain Child 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your childrsquos developing mind survive everyday parenting struggles and help your family thrive New York Delacorte Press
Sunderland M (2007) The Science of Parenting How todayrsquos brain research can help you raise happy emotionally balanced children New York DK Publishing
Thomas P (2006) Stress in Early Childhood Helping children and their carers ACT Australia Early Childhood Australia
amp some other good readsNaomi Aldort (2005) Raising Our Children Raising Ourselves
Marcy Axness (2012) Parenting for Peace Raising the next generation of peacemakers
All of Steve Biddulphrsquos books Raising Boys Raising Girls The New Manhood The Secret of Happy Childrenhellip
Breacutene Brown (2013) The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting Raising children with courage compassion amp connection Audio CD
Gary Chapman amp Ross Campbell (2012) The 5 Love Languages of Children
Shelley Davidow (2014) Raising Stress-Proof Kids Parenting todayrsquos children in tomorrowrsquos world
Carol Dweck (2012) Mindset The new psychology of success
Tim Gill (2007) No Fear Growing up in a risk averse society
Peter Gray (2013) Free to Learn Why unleashing the instinct to play will make our children happier more self-reliant and better students for life
Jo Jackson King (2010) Raising the Best Possible Child How to navigate parenting myths and bring up confident happy kids
Janet Lansbury (2014) Elevating Child Care A guide to respectful parenting AND No Bad Kids Toddler discipline without shame
Vanessa LaPointe (2015) Discipline Without Damage How to get your kids to behave without messing them up
Pam Leo (2007) Connection Parenting Parenting through connection instead of coercion through love instead of fear wwwConnectionParentingcom
Richard Louv (2005) Last Child in the Woods Saving our children from nature-deficit disorder
Laura Markham (2012) Peaceful Parent Happy Kids how to stop yelling and start connecting
Rachel Macy Stafford (2014) Hands Free Mama and her new book (2017) Only Love Today
Shefali Tsabary (2014) Out of Control Why disciplining your child doesnrsquot work and what will
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
Sibling rivalry is indeed one of lifersquos great teachers Indeed it helps us learn how to get along with others It also helps put a bit more sensitivity into our feisty lsquoroosterrsquo children and a bit more lsquoroosterrsquo into our sensitive lambs when parenting children of different temperaments
I have written an article about sibling rivalry that offers more detail on where it comes from rivalry between roosters and lambs and how to manage it and how to turn aggression into awareness Read my article on sibling rivalry
How not to deal with sibling rivalryhellip
According to Dr Laura if we punish or are too permissive with our children around their fighting it only creates more fighting The reason for this is because if we are not demonstrating kindness and fairness to solve the issue our kids will model the same approach Your child will handle conflict the way you show them (Markham 2015)
Our children donrsquot learn to be empathetic compassionate human beings by being punished for sibling rivalry Instead they learn to do things simply to avoid punishment not to be intrinsically caring They donrsquot learn self-discipline (remember the Three Family Rules I wrote about earlier) they learn to use power over each other and it can make them fearful and more likely to be angry and depressed (Markham 2015)
Included in this notion of punishment are lsquotimeoutsrsquo Dr Laura and I are on the same page when it comes to thishellip timeouts can be another way of shaming our kids and disconnecting from the
When my four lads got into conflict I found a much better solution was to send them all outside together for five minutes for ldquoa change of sceneryrdquo Invariably after five minutes they wouldnrsquot bother coming back in because being outside had shifted their mood and they got caught up in a new game
So what does help
The key is to help siblings see the world through their siblingrsquos eyes ndash to show why something is not fair or may be unkind or just plain wrong
My suggestions
raquo Stay calm
raquo Ensure safety of all
raquo Make sense of what is happening
raquo Re-connect to family rules
raquo Avoid making quick judgements
raquo Allow calm down time while being nearby
raquo Connect with all parties in a warm way AFTERWARDS
OR Use a nudge
ldquoA nudge is essentially a means of encouraging or guiding behaviour but without mandating or instructing and ideally without the need for heavy financial incentives or sanctions Sometimes behaviour changes with a surprisingly light touchrdquo
mdash David Halpern Inside the Nudge Unit How small changes can make a big difference (2015)
Basically a nudge is a bit of gentle positive persuasion ndash hints suggestions helpful comments hellip
If you reduce friction a nudge can be a potent way of clearing the path to make it easy for people to do something that they probably already intended to do but had not got around to it
01 Unexpected small reward in private
02 A quiet thank you and a positive touch moment in private
03 Positive noticing
04 Mention good conflict solving at family meeting
05 Let kids hear you tell someone else how great they have been
06 Tell your kids they are smart and can work out ways to sort out conflict themselves
07 Change location when things get a bit lsquoouchyrsquo in a calm and warm way
08 Use lightness and novelty
09 Inspirational images around the house reminding everyone within that lsquolove lives herersquo and reflecting your familyrsquos values
Tips from Dr Laura01 Talk about feelings
02 Ask questions about feelings needs wants and choices
03 Explain and model ndash expect to repeat yourself
04 Practice finding win-win solutions
05 Model lsquoIrsquo statements ldquoI feel hellipBecause I wantneed hellip And I observed that hellip eg I feel worried because I want to get there on time and I see that you arenrsquot ready to leave yet so please put on your shoesrdquo
06 Model pro social behaviour
mdash Dr Laura Markham Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life (2015)
and alsoRead Dr Laurarsquos blog ldquoWhy punishment doesnrsquot teach your child accountabilityrdquo for more on punishment
Read her ldquoWhatrsquos Wrong With Timeoutsrdquo blog to find out why time outs are also not a great response to sibling conflicts
And her Siblings 101 blog has some fantastic tips for turning sibling rivalry around
You can find all of Dr Laura Markhamrsquos helpful blogs and her two Peaceful Parent books at wwwahaparentingcom
Your new role is as an interpreter mdash which is technically emotional coaching
And a few notes on some other dilemmas for anyone raising or working with childrenhellip
Telling liesEveryone tells lies
Some children are often frightened into telling lies
Explain the difference between black lies and white lies
Spend time honouring the truth
Read picture books about honesty ndash Franklin Fibs Aesoprsquos Fables Pig the Pug Fibber
I have done a video blog about when children tell lies so take a few minutes to watch that to hear my suggestions
Watch Telling Lies Blog
You might also be interested in this very interesting article talking about research that suggests children who are subjected to punitive methods of discipline are less likely to be honest
Tsunami of Technology ndash Keeping the Balance
The benefits of technology are a given However there are concerns and we need to be aware of those
Concerns to keep in mind
raquo Posture problems
raquo Learning the lsquoplay codersquo
raquo Impact on human communication amp intimacy
raquo Passivity
raquo Sleep issues
raquo Dopamine receptor changes
raquo Short sightedness
raquo Instant entertainment
raquo Language saturation
raquo Creativity
raquo Boredom
raquo Addictive usage
Recommendations
01 As little as possible under 5
02 Never allow screens in bedroom
03 Have excellent remote parental controls on all devices and PCsApples ndash I recommend you take a look at Family Zone
04 Make sure your children are only able to access Kids YouTube
05 Have clear boundaries especially at night
06 Keep in mind the use mdash educational vs entertainment
07 Best use is when there is interaction with others
08 Have a basket for all hand held screens including parentsrsquo around meal times or other together times
09 Check other parentsrsquo boundaries before allowing children to visit ndash be strong
10 Have techno free times for fun
I have a few articles and resources on screens at my common concerns page on screen time httpswwwmaggiedentcomcommon-concernsscreen-time
As a parent or adult caring for children be mindful of Digital Abandonment
Watch my video blog on Digital Abandonment in Modern Families
I am so impressed with the work being done on the digital dilemma for parents by Dr Kristy Goodwin Please take the time to check out her blog and her excellent book Raising Your Child in a Digital World httpdrkristygoodwincom
REFERENCES Dent M (2014) 9 Things A back-to-basics guide to calm common-sense connected parenting birth-8 Murwillumbah NSW Pennington Publications
Dent M (2016) Real Kids in an Unreal World Building resilience amp self-esteem in todayrsquos children Murwillumbah NSW Pennington Publications
Dent M (2003) Saving Our children from Our Chaotic World Teaching children the magic of silence and stillness Dunsborough WA Pennington Publications
Doidge N (2007) The Brain That Changes Itself Stories of personal triumph from the frontiers of brain science New York Viking
Fuller A (2007) Tricky kids Transforming conflict and freeing their potential Sydney Finch Publishing
Goleman D (1996) Emotional Intelligence Why it can matter more than IQ UK Bloomsbury Publishing
Goodwin K (2016) Raising Your Child in a Digital World Sydney Finch Publishing
Grille R (2008) Heart to Heart Parenting Nurturing your childrsquos emotional intelligence from conception to school age Sydney ABC Books
Grille R (2013) Parenting for a Peaceful World (second edition) Asheville NC Vox Cordis Press
Halpern D (2009) Inside the Nudge Unit How small changes can make a big difference UK WHAllen
Janov A (2000) The Biology of Love New York Prometheus Books
Jensen E (2006) Enriching the Brain San Francisco CA Jossey-Bass
Markham L (2015) Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life New York TarcherPerigree
Neufeld G amp Mateacute G (2005) Hold On to Your Kids Why parents need to matter more than peers New York Ballantine Books
Rando L (2010) Caring and Connected Parenting A guide to raising connected children from birth to 4 years CA USA The Spiritual Alliance to Stop Intimate Violence
Shanker S (2016) (with Teresa Barker) Self-Reg How to help your child (and you) break the stress cycle and successfully engage with life Penguin Press
Siegel D J MD amp Bryson T P PhD (2011) The Whole-Brain Child 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your childrsquos developing mind survive everyday parenting struggles and help your family thrive New York Delacorte Press
Sunderland M (2007) The Science of Parenting How todayrsquos brain research can help you raise happy emotionally balanced children New York DK Publishing
Thomas P (2006) Stress in Early Childhood Helping children and their carers ACT Australia Early Childhood Australia
amp some other good readsNaomi Aldort (2005) Raising Our Children Raising Ourselves
Marcy Axness (2012) Parenting for Peace Raising the next generation of peacemakers
All of Steve Biddulphrsquos books Raising Boys Raising Girls The New Manhood The Secret of Happy Childrenhellip
Breacutene Brown (2013) The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting Raising children with courage compassion amp connection Audio CD
Gary Chapman amp Ross Campbell (2012) The 5 Love Languages of Children
Shelley Davidow (2014) Raising Stress-Proof Kids Parenting todayrsquos children in tomorrowrsquos world
Carol Dweck (2012) Mindset The new psychology of success
Tim Gill (2007) No Fear Growing up in a risk averse society
Peter Gray (2013) Free to Learn Why unleashing the instinct to play will make our children happier more self-reliant and better students for life
Jo Jackson King (2010) Raising the Best Possible Child How to navigate parenting myths and bring up confident happy kids
Janet Lansbury (2014) Elevating Child Care A guide to respectful parenting AND No Bad Kids Toddler discipline without shame
Vanessa LaPointe (2015) Discipline Without Damage How to get your kids to behave without messing them up
Pam Leo (2007) Connection Parenting Parenting through connection instead of coercion through love instead of fear wwwConnectionParentingcom
Richard Louv (2005) Last Child in the Woods Saving our children from nature-deficit disorder
Laura Markham (2012) Peaceful Parent Happy Kids how to stop yelling and start connecting
Rachel Macy Stafford (2014) Hands Free Mama and her new book (2017) Only Love Today
Shefali Tsabary (2014) Out of Control Why disciplining your child doesnrsquot work and what will
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
OR Use a nudge
ldquoA nudge is essentially a means of encouraging or guiding behaviour but without mandating or instructing and ideally without the need for heavy financial incentives or sanctions Sometimes behaviour changes with a surprisingly light touchrdquo
mdash David Halpern Inside the Nudge Unit How small changes can make a big difference (2015)
Basically a nudge is a bit of gentle positive persuasion ndash hints suggestions helpful comments hellip
If you reduce friction a nudge can be a potent way of clearing the path to make it easy for people to do something that they probably already intended to do but had not got around to it
01 Unexpected small reward in private
02 A quiet thank you and a positive touch moment in private
03 Positive noticing
04 Mention good conflict solving at family meeting
05 Let kids hear you tell someone else how great they have been
06 Tell your kids they are smart and can work out ways to sort out conflict themselves
07 Change location when things get a bit lsquoouchyrsquo in a calm and warm way
08 Use lightness and novelty
09 Inspirational images around the house reminding everyone within that lsquolove lives herersquo and reflecting your familyrsquos values
Tips from Dr Laura01 Talk about feelings
02 Ask questions about feelings needs wants and choices
03 Explain and model ndash expect to repeat yourself
04 Practice finding win-win solutions
05 Model lsquoIrsquo statements ldquoI feel hellipBecause I wantneed hellip And I observed that hellip eg I feel worried because I want to get there on time and I see that you arenrsquot ready to leave yet so please put on your shoesrdquo
06 Model pro social behaviour
mdash Dr Laura Markham Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life (2015)
and alsoRead Dr Laurarsquos blog ldquoWhy punishment doesnrsquot teach your child accountabilityrdquo for more on punishment
Read her ldquoWhatrsquos Wrong With Timeoutsrdquo blog to find out why time outs are also not a great response to sibling conflicts
And her Siblings 101 blog has some fantastic tips for turning sibling rivalry around
You can find all of Dr Laura Markhamrsquos helpful blogs and her two Peaceful Parent books at wwwahaparentingcom
Your new role is as an interpreter mdash which is technically emotional coaching
And a few notes on some other dilemmas for anyone raising or working with childrenhellip
Telling liesEveryone tells lies
Some children are often frightened into telling lies
Explain the difference between black lies and white lies
Spend time honouring the truth
Read picture books about honesty ndash Franklin Fibs Aesoprsquos Fables Pig the Pug Fibber
I have done a video blog about when children tell lies so take a few minutes to watch that to hear my suggestions
Watch Telling Lies Blog
You might also be interested in this very interesting article talking about research that suggests children who are subjected to punitive methods of discipline are less likely to be honest
Tsunami of Technology ndash Keeping the Balance
The benefits of technology are a given However there are concerns and we need to be aware of those
Concerns to keep in mind
raquo Posture problems
raquo Learning the lsquoplay codersquo
raquo Impact on human communication amp intimacy
raquo Passivity
raquo Sleep issues
raquo Dopamine receptor changes
raquo Short sightedness
raquo Instant entertainment
raquo Language saturation
raquo Creativity
raquo Boredom
raquo Addictive usage
Recommendations
01 As little as possible under 5
02 Never allow screens in bedroom
03 Have excellent remote parental controls on all devices and PCsApples ndash I recommend you take a look at Family Zone
04 Make sure your children are only able to access Kids YouTube
05 Have clear boundaries especially at night
06 Keep in mind the use mdash educational vs entertainment
07 Best use is when there is interaction with others
08 Have a basket for all hand held screens including parentsrsquo around meal times or other together times
09 Check other parentsrsquo boundaries before allowing children to visit ndash be strong
10 Have techno free times for fun
I have a few articles and resources on screens at my common concerns page on screen time httpswwwmaggiedentcomcommon-concernsscreen-time
As a parent or adult caring for children be mindful of Digital Abandonment
Watch my video blog on Digital Abandonment in Modern Families
I am so impressed with the work being done on the digital dilemma for parents by Dr Kristy Goodwin Please take the time to check out her blog and her excellent book Raising Your Child in a Digital World httpdrkristygoodwincom
REFERENCES Dent M (2014) 9 Things A back-to-basics guide to calm common-sense connected parenting birth-8 Murwillumbah NSW Pennington Publications
Dent M (2016) Real Kids in an Unreal World Building resilience amp self-esteem in todayrsquos children Murwillumbah NSW Pennington Publications
Dent M (2003) Saving Our children from Our Chaotic World Teaching children the magic of silence and stillness Dunsborough WA Pennington Publications
Doidge N (2007) The Brain That Changes Itself Stories of personal triumph from the frontiers of brain science New York Viking
Fuller A (2007) Tricky kids Transforming conflict and freeing their potential Sydney Finch Publishing
Goleman D (1996) Emotional Intelligence Why it can matter more than IQ UK Bloomsbury Publishing
Goodwin K (2016) Raising Your Child in a Digital World Sydney Finch Publishing
Grille R (2008) Heart to Heart Parenting Nurturing your childrsquos emotional intelligence from conception to school age Sydney ABC Books
Grille R (2013) Parenting for a Peaceful World (second edition) Asheville NC Vox Cordis Press
Halpern D (2009) Inside the Nudge Unit How small changes can make a big difference UK WHAllen
Janov A (2000) The Biology of Love New York Prometheus Books
Jensen E (2006) Enriching the Brain San Francisco CA Jossey-Bass
Markham L (2015) Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life New York TarcherPerigree
Neufeld G amp Mateacute G (2005) Hold On to Your Kids Why parents need to matter more than peers New York Ballantine Books
Rando L (2010) Caring and Connected Parenting A guide to raising connected children from birth to 4 years CA USA The Spiritual Alliance to Stop Intimate Violence
Shanker S (2016) (with Teresa Barker) Self-Reg How to help your child (and you) break the stress cycle and successfully engage with life Penguin Press
Siegel D J MD amp Bryson T P PhD (2011) The Whole-Brain Child 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your childrsquos developing mind survive everyday parenting struggles and help your family thrive New York Delacorte Press
Sunderland M (2007) The Science of Parenting How todayrsquos brain research can help you raise happy emotionally balanced children New York DK Publishing
Thomas P (2006) Stress in Early Childhood Helping children and their carers ACT Australia Early Childhood Australia
amp some other good readsNaomi Aldort (2005) Raising Our Children Raising Ourselves
Marcy Axness (2012) Parenting for Peace Raising the next generation of peacemakers
All of Steve Biddulphrsquos books Raising Boys Raising Girls The New Manhood The Secret of Happy Childrenhellip
Breacutene Brown (2013) The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting Raising children with courage compassion amp connection Audio CD
Gary Chapman amp Ross Campbell (2012) The 5 Love Languages of Children
Shelley Davidow (2014) Raising Stress-Proof Kids Parenting todayrsquos children in tomorrowrsquos world
Carol Dweck (2012) Mindset The new psychology of success
Tim Gill (2007) No Fear Growing up in a risk averse society
Peter Gray (2013) Free to Learn Why unleashing the instinct to play will make our children happier more self-reliant and better students for life
Jo Jackson King (2010) Raising the Best Possible Child How to navigate parenting myths and bring up confident happy kids
Janet Lansbury (2014) Elevating Child Care A guide to respectful parenting AND No Bad Kids Toddler discipline without shame
Vanessa LaPointe (2015) Discipline Without Damage How to get your kids to behave without messing them up
Pam Leo (2007) Connection Parenting Parenting through connection instead of coercion through love instead of fear wwwConnectionParentingcom
Richard Louv (2005) Last Child in the Woods Saving our children from nature-deficit disorder
Laura Markham (2012) Peaceful Parent Happy Kids how to stop yelling and start connecting
Rachel Macy Stafford (2014) Hands Free Mama and her new book (2017) Only Love Today
Shefali Tsabary (2014) Out of Control Why disciplining your child doesnrsquot work and what will
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
Tips from Dr Laura01 Talk about feelings
02 Ask questions about feelings needs wants and choices
03 Explain and model ndash expect to repeat yourself
04 Practice finding win-win solutions
05 Model lsquoIrsquo statements ldquoI feel hellipBecause I wantneed hellip And I observed that hellip eg I feel worried because I want to get there on time and I see that you arenrsquot ready to leave yet so please put on your shoesrdquo
06 Model pro social behaviour
mdash Dr Laura Markham Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life (2015)
and alsoRead Dr Laurarsquos blog ldquoWhy punishment doesnrsquot teach your child accountabilityrdquo for more on punishment
Read her ldquoWhatrsquos Wrong With Timeoutsrdquo blog to find out why time outs are also not a great response to sibling conflicts
And her Siblings 101 blog has some fantastic tips for turning sibling rivalry around
You can find all of Dr Laura Markhamrsquos helpful blogs and her two Peaceful Parent books at wwwahaparentingcom
Your new role is as an interpreter mdash which is technically emotional coaching
And a few notes on some other dilemmas for anyone raising or working with childrenhellip
Telling liesEveryone tells lies
Some children are often frightened into telling lies
Explain the difference between black lies and white lies
Spend time honouring the truth
Read picture books about honesty ndash Franklin Fibs Aesoprsquos Fables Pig the Pug Fibber
I have done a video blog about when children tell lies so take a few minutes to watch that to hear my suggestions
Watch Telling Lies Blog
You might also be interested in this very interesting article talking about research that suggests children who are subjected to punitive methods of discipline are less likely to be honest
Tsunami of Technology ndash Keeping the Balance
The benefits of technology are a given However there are concerns and we need to be aware of those
Concerns to keep in mind
raquo Posture problems
raquo Learning the lsquoplay codersquo
raquo Impact on human communication amp intimacy
raquo Passivity
raquo Sleep issues
raquo Dopamine receptor changes
raquo Short sightedness
raquo Instant entertainment
raquo Language saturation
raquo Creativity
raquo Boredom
raquo Addictive usage
Recommendations
01 As little as possible under 5
02 Never allow screens in bedroom
03 Have excellent remote parental controls on all devices and PCsApples ndash I recommend you take a look at Family Zone
04 Make sure your children are only able to access Kids YouTube
05 Have clear boundaries especially at night
06 Keep in mind the use mdash educational vs entertainment
07 Best use is when there is interaction with others
08 Have a basket for all hand held screens including parentsrsquo around meal times or other together times
09 Check other parentsrsquo boundaries before allowing children to visit ndash be strong
10 Have techno free times for fun
I have a few articles and resources on screens at my common concerns page on screen time httpswwwmaggiedentcomcommon-concernsscreen-time
As a parent or adult caring for children be mindful of Digital Abandonment
Watch my video blog on Digital Abandonment in Modern Families
I am so impressed with the work being done on the digital dilemma for parents by Dr Kristy Goodwin Please take the time to check out her blog and her excellent book Raising Your Child in a Digital World httpdrkristygoodwincom
REFERENCES Dent M (2014) 9 Things A back-to-basics guide to calm common-sense connected parenting birth-8 Murwillumbah NSW Pennington Publications
Dent M (2016) Real Kids in an Unreal World Building resilience amp self-esteem in todayrsquos children Murwillumbah NSW Pennington Publications
Dent M (2003) Saving Our children from Our Chaotic World Teaching children the magic of silence and stillness Dunsborough WA Pennington Publications
Doidge N (2007) The Brain That Changes Itself Stories of personal triumph from the frontiers of brain science New York Viking
Fuller A (2007) Tricky kids Transforming conflict and freeing their potential Sydney Finch Publishing
Goleman D (1996) Emotional Intelligence Why it can matter more than IQ UK Bloomsbury Publishing
Goodwin K (2016) Raising Your Child in a Digital World Sydney Finch Publishing
Grille R (2008) Heart to Heart Parenting Nurturing your childrsquos emotional intelligence from conception to school age Sydney ABC Books
Grille R (2013) Parenting for a Peaceful World (second edition) Asheville NC Vox Cordis Press
Halpern D (2009) Inside the Nudge Unit How small changes can make a big difference UK WHAllen
Janov A (2000) The Biology of Love New York Prometheus Books
Jensen E (2006) Enriching the Brain San Francisco CA Jossey-Bass
Markham L (2015) Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life New York TarcherPerigree
Neufeld G amp Mateacute G (2005) Hold On to Your Kids Why parents need to matter more than peers New York Ballantine Books
Rando L (2010) Caring and Connected Parenting A guide to raising connected children from birth to 4 years CA USA The Spiritual Alliance to Stop Intimate Violence
Shanker S (2016) (with Teresa Barker) Self-Reg How to help your child (and you) break the stress cycle and successfully engage with life Penguin Press
Siegel D J MD amp Bryson T P PhD (2011) The Whole-Brain Child 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your childrsquos developing mind survive everyday parenting struggles and help your family thrive New York Delacorte Press
Sunderland M (2007) The Science of Parenting How todayrsquos brain research can help you raise happy emotionally balanced children New York DK Publishing
Thomas P (2006) Stress in Early Childhood Helping children and their carers ACT Australia Early Childhood Australia
amp some other good readsNaomi Aldort (2005) Raising Our Children Raising Ourselves
Marcy Axness (2012) Parenting for Peace Raising the next generation of peacemakers
All of Steve Biddulphrsquos books Raising Boys Raising Girls The New Manhood The Secret of Happy Childrenhellip
Breacutene Brown (2013) The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting Raising children with courage compassion amp connection Audio CD
Gary Chapman amp Ross Campbell (2012) The 5 Love Languages of Children
Shelley Davidow (2014) Raising Stress-Proof Kids Parenting todayrsquos children in tomorrowrsquos world
Carol Dweck (2012) Mindset The new psychology of success
Tim Gill (2007) No Fear Growing up in a risk averse society
Peter Gray (2013) Free to Learn Why unleashing the instinct to play will make our children happier more self-reliant and better students for life
Jo Jackson King (2010) Raising the Best Possible Child How to navigate parenting myths and bring up confident happy kids
Janet Lansbury (2014) Elevating Child Care A guide to respectful parenting AND No Bad Kids Toddler discipline without shame
Vanessa LaPointe (2015) Discipline Without Damage How to get your kids to behave without messing them up
Pam Leo (2007) Connection Parenting Parenting through connection instead of coercion through love instead of fear wwwConnectionParentingcom
Richard Louv (2005) Last Child in the Woods Saving our children from nature-deficit disorder
Laura Markham (2012) Peaceful Parent Happy Kids how to stop yelling and start connecting
Rachel Macy Stafford (2014) Hands Free Mama and her new book (2017) Only Love Today
Shefali Tsabary (2014) Out of Control Why disciplining your child doesnrsquot work and what will
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
And a few notes on some other dilemmas for anyone raising or working with childrenhellip
Telling liesEveryone tells lies
Some children are often frightened into telling lies
Explain the difference between black lies and white lies
Spend time honouring the truth
Read picture books about honesty ndash Franklin Fibs Aesoprsquos Fables Pig the Pug Fibber
I have done a video blog about when children tell lies so take a few minutes to watch that to hear my suggestions
Watch Telling Lies Blog
You might also be interested in this very interesting article talking about research that suggests children who are subjected to punitive methods of discipline are less likely to be honest
Tsunami of Technology ndash Keeping the Balance
The benefits of technology are a given However there are concerns and we need to be aware of those
Concerns to keep in mind
raquo Posture problems
raquo Learning the lsquoplay codersquo
raquo Impact on human communication amp intimacy
raquo Passivity
raquo Sleep issues
raquo Dopamine receptor changes
raquo Short sightedness
raquo Instant entertainment
raquo Language saturation
raquo Creativity
raquo Boredom
raquo Addictive usage
Recommendations
01 As little as possible under 5
02 Never allow screens in bedroom
03 Have excellent remote parental controls on all devices and PCsApples ndash I recommend you take a look at Family Zone
04 Make sure your children are only able to access Kids YouTube
05 Have clear boundaries especially at night
06 Keep in mind the use mdash educational vs entertainment
07 Best use is when there is interaction with others
08 Have a basket for all hand held screens including parentsrsquo around meal times or other together times
09 Check other parentsrsquo boundaries before allowing children to visit ndash be strong
10 Have techno free times for fun
I have a few articles and resources on screens at my common concerns page on screen time httpswwwmaggiedentcomcommon-concernsscreen-time
As a parent or adult caring for children be mindful of Digital Abandonment
Watch my video blog on Digital Abandonment in Modern Families
I am so impressed with the work being done on the digital dilemma for parents by Dr Kristy Goodwin Please take the time to check out her blog and her excellent book Raising Your Child in a Digital World httpdrkristygoodwincom
REFERENCES Dent M (2014) 9 Things A back-to-basics guide to calm common-sense connected parenting birth-8 Murwillumbah NSW Pennington Publications
Dent M (2016) Real Kids in an Unreal World Building resilience amp self-esteem in todayrsquos children Murwillumbah NSW Pennington Publications
Dent M (2003) Saving Our children from Our Chaotic World Teaching children the magic of silence and stillness Dunsborough WA Pennington Publications
Doidge N (2007) The Brain That Changes Itself Stories of personal triumph from the frontiers of brain science New York Viking
Fuller A (2007) Tricky kids Transforming conflict and freeing their potential Sydney Finch Publishing
Goleman D (1996) Emotional Intelligence Why it can matter more than IQ UK Bloomsbury Publishing
Goodwin K (2016) Raising Your Child in a Digital World Sydney Finch Publishing
Grille R (2008) Heart to Heart Parenting Nurturing your childrsquos emotional intelligence from conception to school age Sydney ABC Books
Grille R (2013) Parenting for a Peaceful World (second edition) Asheville NC Vox Cordis Press
Halpern D (2009) Inside the Nudge Unit How small changes can make a big difference UK WHAllen
Janov A (2000) The Biology of Love New York Prometheus Books
Jensen E (2006) Enriching the Brain San Francisco CA Jossey-Bass
Markham L (2015) Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life New York TarcherPerigree
Neufeld G amp Mateacute G (2005) Hold On to Your Kids Why parents need to matter more than peers New York Ballantine Books
Rando L (2010) Caring and Connected Parenting A guide to raising connected children from birth to 4 years CA USA The Spiritual Alliance to Stop Intimate Violence
Shanker S (2016) (with Teresa Barker) Self-Reg How to help your child (and you) break the stress cycle and successfully engage with life Penguin Press
Siegel D J MD amp Bryson T P PhD (2011) The Whole-Brain Child 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your childrsquos developing mind survive everyday parenting struggles and help your family thrive New York Delacorte Press
Sunderland M (2007) The Science of Parenting How todayrsquos brain research can help you raise happy emotionally balanced children New York DK Publishing
Thomas P (2006) Stress in Early Childhood Helping children and their carers ACT Australia Early Childhood Australia
amp some other good readsNaomi Aldort (2005) Raising Our Children Raising Ourselves
Marcy Axness (2012) Parenting for Peace Raising the next generation of peacemakers
All of Steve Biddulphrsquos books Raising Boys Raising Girls The New Manhood The Secret of Happy Childrenhellip
Breacutene Brown (2013) The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting Raising children with courage compassion amp connection Audio CD
Gary Chapman amp Ross Campbell (2012) The 5 Love Languages of Children
Shelley Davidow (2014) Raising Stress-Proof Kids Parenting todayrsquos children in tomorrowrsquos world
Carol Dweck (2012) Mindset The new psychology of success
Tim Gill (2007) No Fear Growing up in a risk averse society
Peter Gray (2013) Free to Learn Why unleashing the instinct to play will make our children happier more self-reliant and better students for life
Jo Jackson King (2010) Raising the Best Possible Child How to navigate parenting myths and bring up confident happy kids
Janet Lansbury (2014) Elevating Child Care A guide to respectful parenting AND No Bad Kids Toddler discipline without shame
Vanessa LaPointe (2015) Discipline Without Damage How to get your kids to behave without messing them up
Pam Leo (2007) Connection Parenting Parenting through connection instead of coercion through love instead of fear wwwConnectionParentingcom
Richard Louv (2005) Last Child in the Woods Saving our children from nature-deficit disorder
Laura Markham (2012) Peaceful Parent Happy Kids how to stop yelling and start connecting
Rachel Macy Stafford (2014) Hands Free Mama and her new book (2017) Only Love Today
Shefali Tsabary (2014) Out of Control Why disciplining your child doesnrsquot work and what will
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
Tsunami of Technology ndash Keeping the Balance
The benefits of technology are a given However there are concerns and we need to be aware of those
Concerns to keep in mind
raquo Posture problems
raquo Learning the lsquoplay codersquo
raquo Impact on human communication amp intimacy
raquo Passivity
raquo Sleep issues
raquo Dopamine receptor changes
raquo Short sightedness
raquo Instant entertainment
raquo Language saturation
raquo Creativity
raquo Boredom
raquo Addictive usage
Recommendations
01 As little as possible under 5
02 Never allow screens in bedroom
03 Have excellent remote parental controls on all devices and PCsApples ndash I recommend you take a look at Family Zone
04 Make sure your children are only able to access Kids YouTube
05 Have clear boundaries especially at night
06 Keep in mind the use mdash educational vs entertainment
07 Best use is when there is interaction with others
08 Have a basket for all hand held screens including parentsrsquo around meal times or other together times
09 Check other parentsrsquo boundaries before allowing children to visit ndash be strong
10 Have techno free times for fun
I have a few articles and resources on screens at my common concerns page on screen time httpswwwmaggiedentcomcommon-concernsscreen-time
As a parent or adult caring for children be mindful of Digital Abandonment
Watch my video blog on Digital Abandonment in Modern Families
I am so impressed with the work being done on the digital dilemma for parents by Dr Kristy Goodwin Please take the time to check out her blog and her excellent book Raising Your Child in a Digital World httpdrkristygoodwincom
REFERENCES Dent M (2014) 9 Things A back-to-basics guide to calm common-sense connected parenting birth-8 Murwillumbah NSW Pennington Publications
Dent M (2016) Real Kids in an Unreal World Building resilience amp self-esteem in todayrsquos children Murwillumbah NSW Pennington Publications
Dent M (2003) Saving Our children from Our Chaotic World Teaching children the magic of silence and stillness Dunsborough WA Pennington Publications
Doidge N (2007) The Brain That Changes Itself Stories of personal triumph from the frontiers of brain science New York Viking
Fuller A (2007) Tricky kids Transforming conflict and freeing their potential Sydney Finch Publishing
Goleman D (1996) Emotional Intelligence Why it can matter more than IQ UK Bloomsbury Publishing
Goodwin K (2016) Raising Your Child in a Digital World Sydney Finch Publishing
Grille R (2008) Heart to Heart Parenting Nurturing your childrsquos emotional intelligence from conception to school age Sydney ABC Books
Grille R (2013) Parenting for a Peaceful World (second edition) Asheville NC Vox Cordis Press
Halpern D (2009) Inside the Nudge Unit How small changes can make a big difference UK WHAllen
Janov A (2000) The Biology of Love New York Prometheus Books
Jensen E (2006) Enriching the Brain San Francisco CA Jossey-Bass
Markham L (2015) Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life New York TarcherPerigree
Neufeld G amp Mateacute G (2005) Hold On to Your Kids Why parents need to matter more than peers New York Ballantine Books
Rando L (2010) Caring and Connected Parenting A guide to raising connected children from birth to 4 years CA USA The Spiritual Alliance to Stop Intimate Violence
Shanker S (2016) (with Teresa Barker) Self-Reg How to help your child (and you) break the stress cycle and successfully engage with life Penguin Press
Siegel D J MD amp Bryson T P PhD (2011) The Whole-Brain Child 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your childrsquos developing mind survive everyday parenting struggles and help your family thrive New York Delacorte Press
Sunderland M (2007) The Science of Parenting How todayrsquos brain research can help you raise happy emotionally balanced children New York DK Publishing
Thomas P (2006) Stress in Early Childhood Helping children and their carers ACT Australia Early Childhood Australia
amp some other good readsNaomi Aldort (2005) Raising Our Children Raising Ourselves
Marcy Axness (2012) Parenting for Peace Raising the next generation of peacemakers
All of Steve Biddulphrsquos books Raising Boys Raising Girls The New Manhood The Secret of Happy Childrenhellip
Breacutene Brown (2013) The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting Raising children with courage compassion amp connection Audio CD
Gary Chapman amp Ross Campbell (2012) The 5 Love Languages of Children
Shelley Davidow (2014) Raising Stress-Proof Kids Parenting todayrsquos children in tomorrowrsquos world
Carol Dweck (2012) Mindset The new psychology of success
Tim Gill (2007) No Fear Growing up in a risk averse society
Peter Gray (2013) Free to Learn Why unleashing the instinct to play will make our children happier more self-reliant and better students for life
Jo Jackson King (2010) Raising the Best Possible Child How to navigate parenting myths and bring up confident happy kids
Janet Lansbury (2014) Elevating Child Care A guide to respectful parenting AND No Bad Kids Toddler discipline without shame
Vanessa LaPointe (2015) Discipline Without Damage How to get your kids to behave without messing them up
Pam Leo (2007) Connection Parenting Parenting through connection instead of coercion through love instead of fear wwwConnectionParentingcom
Richard Louv (2005) Last Child in the Woods Saving our children from nature-deficit disorder
Laura Markham (2012) Peaceful Parent Happy Kids how to stop yelling and start connecting
Rachel Macy Stafford (2014) Hands Free Mama and her new book (2017) Only Love Today
Shefali Tsabary (2014) Out of Control Why disciplining your child doesnrsquot work and what will
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
07 Best use is when there is interaction with others
08 Have a basket for all hand held screens including parentsrsquo around meal times or other together times
09 Check other parentsrsquo boundaries before allowing children to visit ndash be strong
10 Have techno free times for fun
I have a few articles and resources on screens at my common concerns page on screen time httpswwwmaggiedentcomcommon-concernsscreen-time
As a parent or adult caring for children be mindful of Digital Abandonment
Watch my video blog on Digital Abandonment in Modern Families
I am so impressed with the work being done on the digital dilemma for parents by Dr Kristy Goodwin Please take the time to check out her blog and her excellent book Raising Your Child in a Digital World httpdrkristygoodwincom
REFERENCES Dent M (2014) 9 Things A back-to-basics guide to calm common-sense connected parenting birth-8 Murwillumbah NSW Pennington Publications
Dent M (2016) Real Kids in an Unreal World Building resilience amp self-esteem in todayrsquos children Murwillumbah NSW Pennington Publications
Dent M (2003) Saving Our children from Our Chaotic World Teaching children the magic of silence and stillness Dunsborough WA Pennington Publications
Doidge N (2007) The Brain That Changes Itself Stories of personal triumph from the frontiers of brain science New York Viking
Fuller A (2007) Tricky kids Transforming conflict and freeing their potential Sydney Finch Publishing
Goleman D (1996) Emotional Intelligence Why it can matter more than IQ UK Bloomsbury Publishing
Goodwin K (2016) Raising Your Child in a Digital World Sydney Finch Publishing
Grille R (2008) Heart to Heart Parenting Nurturing your childrsquos emotional intelligence from conception to school age Sydney ABC Books
Grille R (2013) Parenting for a Peaceful World (second edition) Asheville NC Vox Cordis Press
Halpern D (2009) Inside the Nudge Unit How small changes can make a big difference UK WHAllen
Janov A (2000) The Biology of Love New York Prometheus Books
Jensen E (2006) Enriching the Brain San Francisco CA Jossey-Bass
Markham L (2015) Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life New York TarcherPerigree
Neufeld G amp Mateacute G (2005) Hold On to Your Kids Why parents need to matter more than peers New York Ballantine Books
Rando L (2010) Caring and Connected Parenting A guide to raising connected children from birth to 4 years CA USA The Spiritual Alliance to Stop Intimate Violence
Shanker S (2016) (with Teresa Barker) Self-Reg How to help your child (and you) break the stress cycle and successfully engage with life Penguin Press
Siegel D J MD amp Bryson T P PhD (2011) The Whole-Brain Child 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your childrsquos developing mind survive everyday parenting struggles and help your family thrive New York Delacorte Press
Sunderland M (2007) The Science of Parenting How todayrsquos brain research can help you raise happy emotionally balanced children New York DK Publishing
Thomas P (2006) Stress in Early Childhood Helping children and their carers ACT Australia Early Childhood Australia
amp some other good readsNaomi Aldort (2005) Raising Our Children Raising Ourselves
Marcy Axness (2012) Parenting for Peace Raising the next generation of peacemakers
All of Steve Biddulphrsquos books Raising Boys Raising Girls The New Manhood The Secret of Happy Childrenhellip
Breacutene Brown (2013) The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting Raising children with courage compassion amp connection Audio CD
Gary Chapman amp Ross Campbell (2012) The 5 Love Languages of Children
Shelley Davidow (2014) Raising Stress-Proof Kids Parenting todayrsquos children in tomorrowrsquos world
Carol Dweck (2012) Mindset The new psychology of success
Tim Gill (2007) No Fear Growing up in a risk averse society
Peter Gray (2013) Free to Learn Why unleashing the instinct to play will make our children happier more self-reliant and better students for life
Jo Jackson King (2010) Raising the Best Possible Child How to navigate parenting myths and bring up confident happy kids
Janet Lansbury (2014) Elevating Child Care A guide to respectful parenting AND No Bad Kids Toddler discipline without shame
Vanessa LaPointe (2015) Discipline Without Damage How to get your kids to behave without messing them up
Pam Leo (2007) Connection Parenting Parenting through connection instead of coercion through love instead of fear wwwConnectionParentingcom
Richard Louv (2005) Last Child in the Woods Saving our children from nature-deficit disorder
Laura Markham (2012) Peaceful Parent Happy Kids how to stop yelling and start connecting
Rachel Macy Stafford (2014) Hands Free Mama and her new book (2017) Only Love Today
Shefali Tsabary (2014) Out of Control Why disciplining your child doesnrsquot work and what will
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
REFERENCES Dent M (2014) 9 Things A back-to-basics guide to calm common-sense connected parenting birth-8 Murwillumbah NSW Pennington Publications
Dent M (2016) Real Kids in an Unreal World Building resilience amp self-esteem in todayrsquos children Murwillumbah NSW Pennington Publications
Dent M (2003) Saving Our children from Our Chaotic World Teaching children the magic of silence and stillness Dunsborough WA Pennington Publications
Doidge N (2007) The Brain That Changes Itself Stories of personal triumph from the frontiers of brain science New York Viking
Fuller A (2007) Tricky kids Transforming conflict and freeing their potential Sydney Finch Publishing
Goleman D (1996) Emotional Intelligence Why it can matter more than IQ UK Bloomsbury Publishing
Goodwin K (2016) Raising Your Child in a Digital World Sydney Finch Publishing
Grille R (2008) Heart to Heart Parenting Nurturing your childrsquos emotional intelligence from conception to school age Sydney ABC Books
Grille R (2013) Parenting for a Peaceful World (second edition) Asheville NC Vox Cordis Press
Halpern D (2009) Inside the Nudge Unit How small changes can make a big difference UK WHAllen
Janov A (2000) The Biology of Love New York Prometheus Books
Jensen E (2006) Enriching the Brain San Francisco CA Jossey-Bass
Markham L (2015) Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life New York TarcherPerigree
Neufeld G amp Mateacute G (2005) Hold On to Your Kids Why parents need to matter more than peers New York Ballantine Books
Rando L (2010) Caring and Connected Parenting A guide to raising connected children from birth to 4 years CA USA The Spiritual Alliance to Stop Intimate Violence
Shanker S (2016) (with Teresa Barker) Self-Reg How to help your child (and you) break the stress cycle and successfully engage with life Penguin Press
Siegel D J MD amp Bryson T P PhD (2011) The Whole-Brain Child 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your childrsquos developing mind survive everyday parenting struggles and help your family thrive New York Delacorte Press
Sunderland M (2007) The Science of Parenting How todayrsquos brain research can help you raise happy emotionally balanced children New York DK Publishing
Thomas P (2006) Stress in Early Childhood Helping children and their carers ACT Australia Early Childhood Australia
amp some other good readsNaomi Aldort (2005) Raising Our Children Raising Ourselves
Marcy Axness (2012) Parenting for Peace Raising the next generation of peacemakers
All of Steve Biddulphrsquos books Raising Boys Raising Girls The New Manhood The Secret of Happy Childrenhellip
Breacutene Brown (2013) The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting Raising children with courage compassion amp connection Audio CD
Gary Chapman amp Ross Campbell (2012) The 5 Love Languages of Children
Shelley Davidow (2014) Raising Stress-Proof Kids Parenting todayrsquos children in tomorrowrsquos world
Carol Dweck (2012) Mindset The new psychology of success
Tim Gill (2007) No Fear Growing up in a risk averse society
Peter Gray (2013) Free to Learn Why unleashing the instinct to play will make our children happier more self-reliant and better students for life
Jo Jackson King (2010) Raising the Best Possible Child How to navigate parenting myths and bring up confident happy kids
Janet Lansbury (2014) Elevating Child Care A guide to respectful parenting AND No Bad Kids Toddler discipline without shame
Vanessa LaPointe (2015) Discipline Without Damage How to get your kids to behave without messing them up
Pam Leo (2007) Connection Parenting Parenting through connection instead of coercion through love instead of fear wwwConnectionParentingcom
Richard Louv (2005) Last Child in the Woods Saving our children from nature-deficit disorder
Laura Markham (2012) Peaceful Parent Happy Kids how to stop yelling and start connecting
Rachel Macy Stafford (2014) Hands Free Mama and her new book (2017) Only Love Today
Shefali Tsabary (2014) Out of Control Why disciplining your child doesnrsquot work and what will
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
Sunderland M (2007) The Science of Parenting How todayrsquos brain research can help you raise happy emotionally balanced children New York DK Publishing
Thomas P (2006) Stress in Early Childhood Helping children and their carers ACT Australia Early Childhood Australia
amp some other good readsNaomi Aldort (2005) Raising Our Children Raising Ourselves
Marcy Axness (2012) Parenting for Peace Raising the next generation of peacemakers
All of Steve Biddulphrsquos books Raising Boys Raising Girls The New Manhood The Secret of Happy Childrenhellip
Breacutene Brown (2013) The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting Raising children with courage compassion amp connection Audio CD
Gary Chapman amp Ross Campbell (2012) The 5 Love Languages of Children
Shelley Davidow (2014) Raising Stress-Proof Kids Parenting todayrsquos children in tomorrowrsquos world
Carol Dweck (2012) Mindset The new psychology of success
Tim Gill (2007) No Fear Growing up in a risk averse society
Peter Gray (2013) Free to Learn Why unleashing the instinct to play will make our children happier more self-reliant and better students for life
Jo Jackson King (2010) Raising the Best Possible Child How to navigate parenting myths and bring up confident happy kids
Janet Lansbury (2014) Elevating Child Care A guide to respectful parenting AND No Bad Kids Toddler discipline without shame
Vanessa LaPointe (2015) Discipline Without Damage How to get your kids to behave without messing them up
Pam Leo (2007) Connection Parenting Parenting through connection instead of coercion through love instead of fear wwwConnectionParentingcom
Richard Louv (2005) Last Child in the Woods Saving our children from nature-deficit disorder
Laura Markham (2012) Peaceful Parent Happy Kids how to stop yelling and start connecting
Rachel Macy Stafford (2014) Hands Free Mama and her new book (2017) Only Love Today
Shefali Tsabary (2014) Out of Control Why disciplining your child doesnrsquot work and what will
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
NOTES
