Action List 49

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BUSINESS: The Ultimate ResourceApril 2003 Upgrade #7

Bloomsbury Publishing Plc 2003

ACTIONLIST

Using Nonverbal Communication to Build Rapport

Getting Started

Nonverbal communication is not an exact science, although we sometimes make judgments as if it were. It uses a variety of means to convey meaning beyond what isactually being said. These include gestures, body movement, facial expressions, andeven vocal tone and pitch.

Many people believe that most meaning is conveyed through nonverbal signals, themajority of them from the eyes. This explains why its often hard to convey subtlemeanings over the phone or through the written word. Because the person receivingyour message cant see your body or face, your meaning may well be misinterpreted.

FAQs

How do I know when someone is bluffing?

Usually, when people are communicating in a straightforward way, their nonverbalsare consistent with their words. They say, Look over there! and reinforce the

message by pointing simultaneously toward the intended focus of attention. Or theymight admit Im unhappy about that, and their face and body droop too. When

people are bluffing theres usually a disconnect between their gestures and their speech. Someone may claim, The deal is almost in the bag!but you notice anervous body pattern, like the shifting of feet or the tapping of fingers. Unusualavoidance of eye contact or blinking of the eyes can also indicate an inconsistency,which communication experts call leakage .

How do I establish rapport in a meeting attended by a lot of different kindsof people?

One way of establishing rapport is by working the room. Suppose youre addressing agroup of professionals from a podium. Make sure you seek information fromeveryone, acknowledge every contribution, give anyone who hesitates plenty of space, and support anyone who finds it difficult to speak in front of a group. If thereare too many people in the room to pay attention to each one, invite contributionsfrom those who seem most extroverted and establish a rapport with them. This willgive the others confidence in your ability to connect with people.

What if I inadvertently convey the wrong message?

This happens, of course, particularly if you have a habit of using an expression or gesture that is commonly accepted to mean one thing and you really mean somethingdifferent. A nervous laugh, for example, might indicate that you think youre beingfunny. You may, in fact, be trying to communicate something serious, but are simply


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anxious. Training can help correct the most obvious quirks in your nonverbal lexicon.In the meantime it might help to acknowledge your idiosyncrasies publicly so peopledont get the wrong impression.

How do I know from someones body language when the person is getting

angry, and what should I do?Tone of voice, subtle changes in facial expression, and gestures head the list of clues.For example, someone might start pacing up and down or banging the table while stillsmiling pleasantly to hide true but socially unacceptable feelings.

Your reaction to anger depends on the situation and your personality. You can chooseto try to calm things down or you may prefer to back off until the heat dies down.Whatever you do, try not to aggravate the situation. If you decide to pull back,analyze what happened and how you reacted. If you think you might have contributedto the persons anger, consider how you might do things differently next time. Youmay like to revisit the incident with the person later and try to work together on a wayto communicate more effectively in the future.

Im about to start a job in a very different work culture from the one Imused to. How can I avoid making mistakes in my new environment?

There are lots of books about different work cultures and their various Dos andDonts. Briefly, however, make sure you take time to observe whats going on aroundyou in your new environment and how the differences make you feel. Consider askingadvice from someone familiar with the new culture who shares something of your own experiencethe person may be able to provide a useful communications bridge.

Making It HappenMatch and Mirror

If you watch two people in relaxed, unself-conscious conversation, you may noticethat their postures are very similar. Both may have crossed their legs or settled intotheir chairs in the same way. If they are eating or drinking, they may be doing it at thesame rate. This is called matching or mirroring , and it occurs naturally between two

people who feel that theyre on the same wavelength. Matching and mirroring canalso be used consciously as a technique to achieve rapport with someone, but youneed to be subtle. Exaggerated mirroring looks like mimicry, and the other person is

likely to feel embarrassed or angry.

Start by paying attention to what your counterparts do with their bodies in neutralexchanges. Try reflecting back the pattern of their nonverbal communication. Oncethis feels natural, see if you can take the lead by changing your body position andwatch to see if they follow. Very often they do. Once you begin to get a feel for thistechnique, see if you can use it in a problematic situation. Perhaps youve never hadmuch rapport with one of your coworkers. See if you can lead that person into arelaxed exchange by practicing the matching and mirroring technique.

Speak the Same Language

According to neurolinguistic programming (the science of tapping into theunconscious mind to reveal whats going on under the surface), language can indicate


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much about how an individual views the world. Some people are very visual, someare auditory or kinesthetic (tactile); others, though far fewer, understand the world

primarily through olfactory (smell) or gustatory (taste) senses. You can establishrapport with people more effectively by paying attention to their individual

preferences for visual, auditory, or kinesthetic cues.

When youre talking to someone you dont know well, listen to the kinds of words heor she selects. The person might say something like, I have a vision of what thisorganization will look like in five years. I can see that it will take lots of energy tocreate whats in my minds eye . The words in italics indicate that this person isvisual in constructing meaningand you can respond similarly: You build a veryclear picture for me. I can see that this will be a challenge, but Im confident your

farsightedness will enable you to reach your dream . An auditory person might say,I hear youve been promoted. You must have done a resoundingly good job!; youcould respond, Yes, Ive been asked to sound out the market and prescribe somechanges in the way we sell our products. Kinesthetic language uses words such as

sense , feel , move toward , dynamic . Olfactory words include smell , odor , and fragrance , gustatory , bitter , sweet , and other taste-related words.

When youre trying to establish a rapport with someone, using the same kind of language significantly enhances the level of mutual understanding.

Listen

Active listening is a rare skill, but its very effective in helping you establish andmaintain rapport. It can also yield valuable information.

Active listening is about demonstrating that you understand and are interested in whatis being said. It requires good eye contact, lots of head nods, and responses such as Isee, Mmmm, and I understand what you mean. In addition, a good activelistener summarizes what has been said to demonstrate his or her understanding, andasks open questions such as, Can you tell me more about? and What do youthink?. These questions encourage further communication and enrich what is

being communicated.

Interpret in Context

Much has been written about nonverbal communication, especially about how to read body language. Body language may give insight into whats really going on, but

always remember to interpret it in context. For instance, someone sitting in a meetingwith his or her arms crossed might be feeling aggressive, reluctant, or disapproving.But perhaps the person is shy, cold, or feeling sick. Be cautious of jumping toconclusions without further information.

Common Mistakes

You Lack Subtlety

People new to the techniques of nonverbal communication can be overenthusiastic practitioners. Observe yourself objectively to make sure you arent offending others by broadly mimicking their speech or behavior. Remember that most peopleinstinctively send and interpret nonverbal signals all the time: dont assume youre the


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only one whos aware of nonverbal undercurrents. Finally, stay true to yourself. Beaware of your own natural style, and dont adopt behaviors that are incompatible withit.

You Ignore Context

Putting too much trust in your reading of someones nonverbals can lead tomisinterpretation and misunderstandings. Understand the context in which the signalsare being transmitted and think through the possible scenarios before jumping toconclusions.

You Overemphasize Nonverbal SignalsIf you overemphasize your nonverbal signals in an effort to control your meaning,youre likely to look ill at ease. Remember that its very difficult to be convincingwhen your message conflicts with what you truly believe. The disconnect that expertscall leakage is likely to show, raising legitimate suspicions about your

trustworthiness. The best way to establish rapport using nonverbal cues is to beauthentic in what you say, and your body language will reinforce that messagenaturally.

For More InformationBooks:Axtell, Roger E. Gestures: The Dos and Taboos of Body Language Around theWorld. New York: John Wiley, 1998.

Dimitrius, Jo Ellan, and Mark Mazzarella. Reading People: How to Understand People and Predict Their Behavior, Anytime, Anyplace. New York: Ballantine Books,

1999.Griffin, Jack. How to Say It at Work: Putting Yourself Across with Power Words,

Phrases, Body Language, and Communication Secrets. Upper Saddle River, NJ:Prentice Hall, 1998.

OConnor, Joseph, and John Seymour. Introducing Neuro-Linguistic Programming: Psychological Skills for Understanding and Influencing People. New York: Thorsons,2000.

Ting-Toomey, Stella. Communicating Across Cultures. New York: Guilford Press,1999.

Wainwright, Gordon. Teach Yourself Body Language. 2nd ed. Upper Saddle River, NJ: McGraw-Hill-NTC, 2000.

Web sites:

NLP training and resources: www.altfeld.com/mastery/seminars/desc-sb1.html

The nonverbal dictionary of gestures, signs, and body language:http://members.aol.com/nonverbal2/diction1.htm

PPI Business NLP, Business NLP site: www.ppimk.com

Rider University Clinical Psychology Department:www.rider.edu/users/suler/bodylang.html

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Action List 49