ALICE’S ADVENTURES IN WONDERLAND

by Lewis Carroll

adapted by J. Ruffell

2  

CHARACTER LIST ALICE CHESHIRE CAT WHITE RABBIT QUEEN OF HEARTS KING OF HEARTS HATTER MOCK TURTLE TWEEDLEDUM TWEEDLEDEE CATERPILLAR MARCH HARE DORMOUSE DUCHESS GRYPHON UNICORN LION MOUSE DODO MONKEY EAGLE DUCK SISTER KNAVE OF HEARTS ROSE TIGER-LILY VIOLET DAISY #1 DAISY #2 DAISY #3 TWO FIVE SEVEN COOK FROG FOOTMAN #1 FROG FOOTMAN #2 DOOR #1 DOOR #2 DOOR #3 DOOR #4 DOOR #5 DOOR #6 DOOR #7 ENSEMBLE (5-10) (SOLDIERS, ANIMALS)

3  

ALICE’S ADVENTURES IN WONDERLAND

SCENE 1 ALICE sits with her SISTER, who is reading a book to her. Alice is clearly bored. SISTER: “William the Conqueror, whose cause was favoured by the pope, was soon submitted to by the English, who wanted leaders, and had been of late much accustomed to usurpation and conquest. Edwin and Morcar, the earls of Mercia and Northumbria—” ALICE: (looking in the book) There’s no pictures in this book. SISTER: Many great books have no pictures, Alice. ALICE: (looking closer) There aren’t any conversations either. What is the use of a book without pictures or conversations? SISTER: Though all reading is a treasure, we must not merely fill our heads with stories and play. We should also fill our minds with knowledge. ALICE: Whatever for? SISTER: Because the mind is a gift and we should be thankful for it. ALICE: How dreadfully boring. If we must sit and read on a day like this, it should be a story filled with adventure and fun. And pictures! All the books in the world should be full of pictures and adventure! SISTER: Oh Alice…come sit back down and listen. A little less chaos and a little more order is what you need. Alice sits down in a huff. ALICE: (under her breath) Shows what you know. SISTER: What was that? ALICE: I wish I were a queen. I’d make all the rules then. Even better, I’d do away with the rules. SISTER: Then it’s a good thing you’re not a queen. Alice lies down as Sister reads. Alice closes her eyes.

4  

SISTER: “Edwin and Morcar, the earls of Mercia and Northumbria, declared for him and even the patriotic archbishop of Canterbury found it advisable to meet William and offer him the crown.” Sister freezes and the WHITE RABBIT runs in, waking Alice as she speaks. WHITE RABBIT: Oh dear! Oh dear! I shall be too late! The Duchess. The Duchess. Oh my dear paws. Oh my fur and whiskers. She’ll get me executed as sure as ferrets are ferrets. (pause) Then I’ll really be late! The White Rabbit pulls out a watch. WHITE RABBIT: By my whiskers, I’m late, I’m late, I’m very, very late! ALICE: A talking rabbit with a waistcoat and a watch. She shrugs and lies back down for a brief moment before bolting upright. ALICE: A talking rabbit!? WHITE RABBIT: I’m late! The White Rabbit runs off the stage. ALICE: Wait! Miss Rabbit! Alice gives chase. Sister exits. Alice and the White Rabbit run around the stage and into the audience. The White Rabbit and Alice talk the entire time they are running around. WHITE RABBIT: I’m late! I’m late! Oh my paws and whiskers. The Duchess will have my head. I’m late. I’ll be executed! (etc) ALICE: Please, Miss. Rabbit. If you would just wait a moment. Oh, do slow down! Whatever could a rabbit even be late for? Wait for me, Miss Rabbit. I just want to talk to you. Please wait! I’m not at all wearing the best shoes for this. Wait! The White Rabbit runs back onto the stage. WHITE RABBIT: I’m late! She’ll behead me for sure! Alice runs onto the stage as the White Rabbit runs off. Alice pauses, catching her breath. ALICE: Where’s she gone? (sees the rabbit hole) Oh my, down the rabbit hole I’m afraid. (looks in) What an unusually large rabbit hole. I believe I could fit. Do I dare? Sister would not approve.

5  

This makes Alice smile and she immediately follows. Alice screams. Blackout.

SCENE 2 Alice continues to scream. The CHESHIRE CAT appears as just a smile. Lights come up on Alice only. CHESHIRE CAT: There now, do stop with all that screaming. My ears may not be here, but even so, that sound is ghastly. ALICE: Please help me! I’m falling! CHESHIRE CAT: So you are. I don’t see why you’re so bothered by it. ALICE: It’s not the fall so much that bothers me, but the landing! CHESHIRE CAT: There’s no danger in landing if one lands on their feet. ALICE: I’ve tumbled down the stairs before, and certainly did not land on my feet, and it hurt something terrible. CHESHIRE CAT: There you have it. ALICE: Well how should I ensure I land on my feet? CHESHIRE CAT: Why, merely keep your feet beneath you. ALICE: Easier said than done. CHESHIRE CAT: I wouldn’t worry. You’re not falling fast enough to concern yourself about the landing. ALICE: Oh! I see! You’re quite right. I’m falling like a feather, not a stone. (looking at the smile) I’ve never seen a smile without an owner. Is there more of you? CHESHIRE CAT: All of me is here. All of me is there. ALICE: That doesn’t make any sense. You are either here or you’re not. CHESHIRE CAT: I am both here and there. Present and gone. Seen and unseen. ALICE: It’s rude to hide yourself in this way. Show yourself. CHESHIRE CAT: I’d rather not. Besides, you’re about to land.

6  

Alice lands, falling down as she does. ALICE: Ouch! CHESHIRE CAT: (exiting) I told you to land on your feet. ALICE: And I told you, easier said than done! It’s no use, he’s gone. The White Rabbit runs by. ALICE: There’s the rabbit! Please stop, Miss Rabbit! The White Rabbit runs off stage and Alice follows.

SCENE 3 Six doors stand around a small table with a key on it. There’s a petite curtain opposite the table. The White Rabbit runs across the stage and exits. Alice enters. ALICE: Now where has she gone? Through one of these doors I suppose. She begins to try the doors. The Cheshire Cat enters, just a smile. DOOR #1: Locked, I’m afraid. DOOR #2: Back off, kid! DOOR #3: Sorry, dear, locked up tight. DOOR #4: (sobbing) I don’t open. Did I ever? Oh what a cruel fate for a door to be forever closed! DOOR #5: Don’t touch me with those disgusting hands; I don’t know where they’ve been. DOOR #6: Why are you grabbing at me? DOOR #2: She’s trying to open you. DOOR #6: Why? DOOR #3: Because you’re a door. DOOR #6: I am? The other doors groan, shake their heads, and roll their eyes.

7  

DOOR #7: (terrified) What if she opens me and there’s a monster? DOOR #2: Don’t be stupid. ALICE: You’re all locked. DOOR #1: How lovely to be locked! I could sing a song about it. (clears throat to sing) DOOR #2: Don’t you dare. ALICE: (to herself) Never mind the rabbit, how am I to get out of this room? DOOR #3: Wish I could help you answer that. The Cheshire Cat exits. Light up on the table. DOOR #5: (sighs) Did you check the table? Alice walks over to the table and finds the key. ALICE: A key. Perhaps it will unlock one of you. Alice tries the locks. The light on the table goes down. The Cheshire Cat enters, just a smile. DOOR #1: It’s not me, but I can’t wait to see who’s picked! DOOR #2: I told you to back off! DOOR #3: Don’t mind him, child. DOOR #4: (crying) It’s too big for my lock. DOOR #5: Too small for mine. DOOR #6: What’s the key for? DOOR #2: Certainly not to unlock your mind. DOOR #7: Oh good. Safe from monsters! ALICE: Drat! This key doesn’t open any of you. I suppose that makes sense though. Why lock a door and then leave the key lying about? DOOR #4: That would be foolish. But then why have doors that don’t open?

8  

DOOR #6: Doors open? DOOR #2: Of course we open! ALICE: Please, I can’t think with all this noise. DOOR #3: Have you looked behind that curtain over there? Alice goes over to the curtain, pulls it aside, and finds a small door. ALICE: Another door! Maybe the key will fit this lock. Alice uses the key and unlocks the door. She gets on her knees to look through it. ALICE: This door is so small, I couldn’t even get my head through. And even if my head could go through, it would be very little use without my shoulders. DOOR #2: Your head isn’t doing you any good on your shoulders, so it doesn’t much matter. DOOR #3: Hush, you! ALICE: Oh, how I wish I could shut up like a telescope. DOOR #6: I wish I were a telescope. DOOR #1: Me too! What fun that would be! She closes the door and the Cheshire Cat exits as the light on the table comes back on. There’s now a bottle on it. Alice sets down the key as she picks up the bottle. ALICE: What’s this? I’m very sure this wasn’t here before. (reads the label) “Drink me.” DOOR #7: You shouldn’t do that. You’d first better look to see whether it’s marked “poison” or not. If you drink from a bottle marked “poison,” it is certain to disagree with you sooner or later. ALICE: Oh! You’re quite right! I’d better check. DOOR#1: She’s always been the smart one. DOOR #2: None of you are smart ones. DOOR #3: Come now. Behave yourself. Alice looks at the bottle. ALICE: Well, I don’t see anything that says “poison” on the bottle.

9  

DOOR #1: Perfectly safe then. DOOR #5: Nothing to fear. DOOR #7: There’s always something to fear. Alice takes a sip from the bottle. ALICE: Goodness. That tastes like a cherry-tart, custard, pineapple, roast turkey, toffy, and buttered toast all at once! (pause) Delicious! She takes a big drink from the bottle. The lights go down on the table again. ALICE: What a curious feeling. Oh, I must be shutting up like a telescope. I bet I can fit through the door now. Alice goes to the door. She tries to open it, but it’s locked. ALICE: Oh no! I’ve left the key on the table and I am far too small to reach it! What am I to do now? Alice sits down and starts to cry. DOOR #1: There, there now. Poor girl. DOOR #3: Don’t cry, my dear. DOOR #2: Quit it with that racket! DOOR #5: Someone will see you making a scene, then where will you be? The Cheshire Cat enters, just a smile. ALICE: Come, there’s no use crying like that! I advise you to leave off this minute! DOOR #1: Stiff upper lip, that’s it! The Cheshire Cat exits. The light comes up on the table again. There’s now a box under the table. ALICE: That’s better. Now look around and see if you can figure this out. Alice looks around and sees the box under the table. Alice picks it up and finds a small cake inside.

10  

ALICE: “Eat me.” Well, I’ll eat it and if it makes me grow larger, I can reach the key. If it makes me grow smaller, I can creep under the door, so either way I’ll get through it and I don’t care which happens. DOOR #7: But what if you shrink down to nothing? Or get so big you crush us? We’re all going to die! DOOR #4: I’m too pretty to die! DOOR #2: You’re the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen. DOOR #5: Ugh, you’re all the ugliest things I’ve ever seen. DOOR #3: Those attitudes will get us nowhere. DOOR #6: Where are we going? The doors glare at Door #6. Alice takes a bite from the cake. ALICE: Curiouser and curiouser! Now I’m opening out like the largest telescope that ever was! DOOR #2: With a big rear to match! Alice picks up the key. ALICE: Oh, but now I am too big to go through the door again! Alice once more starts to cry. DOOR #1: Oh my. DOOR #2: There she goes again. DOOR #3: The poor thing. The White Rabbit enters. WHITE RABBIT: Oh! The Duchess, the Duchess! Oh! Won’t she be savage if I’ve kept her waiting? ALICE: If you please, sir— WHITE RABBIT: AAAAH! ALICE: AAAAH!

11  

DOORS: AAAAH! EVERYONE: AAAAAAH!!! The White Rabbit runs off. Lights go down on the table and the Cheshire Cat enters, just a smile. ALICE: How strange everything is today. DOOR #4: It’s a horrible day! DOOR #7: Imagine how terrible tomorrow will be. ALICE: Yesterday things went on just as usual. DOOR #6: Every day is unusual. DOOR #5: Does this kid even notice we’re here? ALICE: Think now, Alice. DOOR #1: Think, think, think. I could make a song about that too. (clears throat to sing) DOOR #2: Shut it! ALICE: The mind is a gift, and I can use mine to figure this out. DOOR #2: You can think your way out of this. DOOR #6: I wish I had a mind. DOOR #5: You wouldn’t know what to do with it. ALICE: The bottle! I’m sure I didn’t finish it all. DOOR #1: Yes, the bottle! DOOR #3: That will fix this mess. DOOR #7: But what it’s poison now? Alice finds the bottle. ALICE: Here it is, and, yes, there’s a small sip left. Alice drinks.

12  

ALICE: I’m closing up like a telescope again! DOOR #2: There she goes again. DOOR #5: I’m getting dizzy with all this shrinking and growing. DOOR #2: Me too. Water rushes by and Alice falls in. Some water gets in her mouth and she coughs. ALICE: Salt water? Have I somehow fallen into the sea? DOOR #6: How did the sea get in here? DOOR #7: We’ll drown! DOOR #4: I’m too young to die! ALICE: No, not the sea. It’s my tears! I wish I hadn’t cried so much. DOOR #2: You and me both. We’re all wet thanks to you. DOOR #5: It’s ruining my finish. ALICE: I shall be punished for it now, I suppose, by being drowned in my own tears. That will be a strange thing to be sure. However, everything is strange today. Several other animals float in: MOUSE, DODO, DUCK, EAGLE, MONKEY, and other animals. They are all washed off the stage. DOOR #1: Oh, there she goes. DOOR #5: Didn’t even say goodbye. DOOR #3: She couldn’t really help it. DOOR #4: Why did she ignore us so? DOOR #2: Rude brat. DOOR #6: I’ll miss her. The other Doors glare at Door #6. DOOR #6: What?

13  

SCENE 4

Alice and the animals climb onto the shore. EAGLE: How dreadful to be so wet! I can’t fly like this. MONKEY: It’s much worse for me. My fur is so heavy! MOUSE: Mine too! DODO: It’s not a pleasant thing at all. DUCK: I don’t know what you’re all so upset about. They all glare at the Duck. DUCK: What? ALICE: We need to get dry. EAGLE: I will flap my wings and create a breeze that will dry us. The Eagle flaps her wings, but just gets more water on everyone. MOUSE: Hey now! MONKEY: Stop that! DODO: You’re getting water in my eye. Cease! The Eagle stops. DUCK: I don’t know what you’re all so upset about. Everyone glares at the Duck again. DUCK: What? ALICE: We could lie in the sun to dry ourselves off, but I don’t see a single ray of light. MONKEY: The sun wouldn’t dry us off. ALICE: Yes, it would. MONKEY: No, it wouldn’t.

14  

ALICE: Yes, it would. MONKEY: No, it wouldn’t. Listen here, I am older than you and therefore I must know better. ALICE: How do you know you’re older than me? You haven’t even asked me my age. MONKEY: What a rude question that would be. ALICE: Well, how old are you then? MONKEY: What a rude question! The Monkey moves way from Alice, and Alice crosses her arms, angrily. MOUSE: Listen to me, all of you. I’ll soon make you dry enough, for this is the driest thing I know. Silence all around, if you please. Ahem! “William the Conqueror, whose cause was favoured by the pope, was soon submitted to by the English, who wanted leaders, and had been of late much accustomed to usurpation and conquest. Edwin and Morcar, the earls of Mercia and Northumbria—” DODO: Ugh! MOUSE: I beg your pardon? Did you speak? DODO: Not I! MOUSE: I thought you did. I proceed. “Edwin and Morcar, the earls of Mercia and Northumbria, declared for him and even the patriotic archbishop of Canterbury found it advisable—” DUCK: Found what? MOUSE: (crossly) Found it. Of course you know what ‘it’ means. DUCK: I know what ‘it’ means well enough, when I find a thing: it’s usually a frog or a worm. The question is, what did the archbishop find? MOUSE: “—found it advisable to meet William and offer him the crown. William’s conduct at first was moderate. But the insolence of his Normans—” (to Alice) How are you getting on now, my dear? ALICE: As wet as ever. It doesn’t seem to dry me at all. DODO: In that case I move that the meeting adjourn for the immediate adoption of more energetic remedies.

15  

EAGLE: Speak English! I don’t know the meaning of half those long words, and, what’s more, I don’t believe you do either! DODO: What I was going to say, was that the best thing to get us dry would be a Caucus-race. ALICE: What’s a Caucus-race? DODO: The best way to explain it is to do it! Dodo draws a circle-like shape on the ground. DODO: The exact shape doesn’t matter. The animals all randomly place themselves on the track, as does Alice. DODO: One, two, three, and away! The animals start and stop as they like for a few minutes. Some animals run into the audience. Alice attempts to run, but is confused by the animals randomly starting and stopping, so she is never sure when she should be moving. DODO: The race is over! The animals and Alice gather around the Dodo. ALICE: But who has won? The Dodo puts one finger on his forehead and thinks for a moment. DODO: Everybody has won and all must have prizes. DUCK: But who is to give the prizes? DODO: (pointing to Alice) Why, she, of course. ANIMALS: Prizes! Prizes! Prizes! They continue to chant while Alice desperately searches her pockets for something to use as a prize. She pulls out a box of comfits and hands them round as prizes. ALICE: Thankfully, they didn’t get wet. The animals eat the candies. MOUSE: But she must have a prize herself, you know.

16  

DODO: Of course. (to Alice) What else have you got in your pocket? ALICE: Only a thimble. DODO: Hand it over here. Alice gives the thimble to the Dodo. DODO: We beg your acceptance of this elegant thimble. The animals cheer as the Dodo gives Alice the thimble. Alice curtseys. MONKEY: What now? EAGLE: (to Mouse) How about a story? MOUSE: Mine is a long and a sad tale! ALICE: (looking at Mouse’s tail) It is a long tail, certainly, but why do you call it sad? Alice listens to the poem with a look of complete confusion. MOUSE: “Fury said to a mouse That he met in the house, ‘Let us both go to law: I will prosecute you. Come, I’ll take no denial; We must have a trial: For really this morning I’ve nothing to do.’ Said the mouse to the cur, ‘Such a trial, dear sir, With no jury or judge, would be wasting our breath.’ ‘I’ll be judge, I’ll be jury,’ Said cunning old Fury; ‘I’ll try the whole cause, and condemn you to death.’” The Mouse sees Alice’s face. MOUSE: You are not attending! What are you thinking of? ALICE: I beg your pardon. You had got to the fifth bend, I think? MOUSE: I had not! ALICE: A knot! Oh, do let me help to undo it!

17  

MOUSE: I shall do nothing of the sort. (starts to walk away) You insult me by talking such nonsense! ALICE: I didn’t mean it! The Mouse growls in reply as he exits the stage. ALICE: Please come back, and finish your story! ANIMALS: Yes, please do! Please do! MONKEY: What a pity he wouldn’t stay. EAGLE (to Alice) Let this be a lesson to you never to lose your temper. DODO: Hold your tongue, Eagle. You’re enough to try the patience of an oyster. ALICE: I wish I Dinah was here. She’d soon fetch the mouse back. MONKEY: And who is Dinah, if I might venture to ask the question? ALICE: Dinah’s our cat. And she’s such a capital one for catching mice! And oh, I wish you could see her after the birds! Why, she’ll eat a little bird as soon as look at it. All the animals are looking at Alice, trembling, eyes wide. DUCK: I really must be getting home; the night-air doesn’t suit my throat. DODO: Come away, all. It’s high time we were in bed! The animals exit. ALICE: I wish I hadn’t mentioned Dinah. Oh, my dear Dinah, I wonder if I shall ever see you again. The White Rabbit runs in. She sees Alice. WHITE RABBIT: Why, Mary Ann, what are you doing out here? Run home this moment, and fetch me a pair of gloves! Quick, now! She starts to run off before Alice can answer. WHITE RABBIT: I’m late, oh, so terribly late! I’ll be executed for sure. By my whiskers, I had better hurry. The Duchess, the Duchess!

18  

The White Rabbit exits. ALICE: Wait! Alice follows.

SCENE 5

TWEEDLEDEE and TWEEDLEDUM are standing still, arms around each other’s shoulders. Alice runs in and stops suddenly when she sees them. They do not move at all. ALICE: Curiouser and curiouser. They stand so perfectly still. Alice walks around the Tweedles. TWEEDLEDUM: If you think we’re wax-works, you ought to pay, you know. Wax-works weren’t made to be looked at for nothing, Nohow! TWEEDLEDEE: Contrariwise, if you think we’re alive, you ought to speak. ALICE: I’m sure I’m very sorry TWEEDLEDUM: I know what you’re thinking about, it isn’t so, nohow. TWEEDLEDEE: Contrariwise, if it was so, it might be; and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn’t, it ain’t. That’s logic. ALICE: I was wondering, have you seen a white rabbit run by? Would you tell me, please? TWEEDLEDUM: Nohow! TWEEDLEDEE: Contrariwise! ALICE: No, you haven’t seen the rabbit or no, you won’t tell me? TWEEDLEDUM: You’ve been wrong! The first thing in a visit is to say, “How do you do?” and shake hands! The Tweedles hold out their hands. Alice takes both hands to shake at once, and soon they are dancing around in a ring as music starts to play. ALICE AND TWEEDLES: (singing) “Here we go round the mulberry bush, The mulberry bush, The mulberry bush. Here we go round the mulberry bush

19  

So early in the morning.” The Tweedles are out of breath. TWEEDLEDEE: Four times round is enough for one dance. ALICE: I hope you’re not too tired? TWEEDLEDUM: Nohow. And thank you very much for asking. TWEEDLEDEE: So much obliged! Alice looks at the sky. ALICE: Do you think it’s going to rain? Tweedledum open an umbrella and the Tweedles stand under it. TWEEDLEDUM: No, I don’t think it is, at least not under here. Nohow. But it may rain outside. TWEEDLEDEE: It may, if it chooses. We’ve no objection. Contrariwise. Tweedledum sees a rattle on the ground. TWEEDLEDUM: Do you see that? ALICE: It’s only a rattle. Not a rattlesnake, you know, only an old rattle, quite old and broken. TWEEDLEDUM: I knew it was! It’s spoilt, of course! Tweedledee hides under the umbrella. ALICE: (to Tweedledum) You needn’t be so angry about an old rattle. TWEEDLEDUM: But it isn’t old, it’s new! I tell you I bought it yesterday! My nice new rattle! (to Tweedledee) Of course you agree to have a battle? TWEEDLEDEE: I suppose so. Only she must help us to dress, you know. They exit. ALICE: “Tweedledum and Tweedledee Agreed to have a battle; For Tweedledum said Tweedledee Had spoiled his nice new rattle. Just then flew down a monstrous crow,

20  

As black as a tar-barrel; Which frightened both the heroes so, They quite forgot their quarrel.” The Tweedles return, each carrying a pile of strange items. TWEEDLEDUM: I hope you’re a good hand a pinning and tying strings? Alice does her best to help get the Tweedles in their strange collection of items. TWEEDLEDUM: Every one of these things has got to go on, somehow or other. TWEEDLEDEE: Here, help me put this on. I need it to keep my head from being cut off. You know, it’s one of the most serious things that can possibly happen to one in a battle, to get one’s head cut off. TWEEDLEDUM: Do I look very pale? ALICE: Well yes, a little. TWEEDLEDUM: I’m very brave generally, only today I happen to have a headache. TWEEDLEDEE: And I’ve got a toothache! I’m far worse off than you! ALICE: Then you’d better not fight today. TWEEDLEDUM: We must have a bit of a fight, but I don’t care about going on long. Let’s fight till six, and then have dinner. TWEEDLEDEE: Very well and she can watch us, only you’d better not come very close. I generally hit everything I see when I get really excited. TWEEDLEDUM: And I hit everything within reach, whether I can see it or not! ALICE: You must hit the trees pretty often, I should think. TWEEDLEDUM: I don’t suppose there’ll be a tree left standing by the time we’ve finished! ALICE: And all about a rattle! TWEEDLEDUM: I shouldn’t have minded it so much, it hadn’t been a new one. ALICE: (to herself) Where is that crow? TWEEDLEDEE: There’s only one sword, you know, but you can have the umbrella; it’s quite as sharp. Only we must begin quick, it’s getting as dark as it can.

21  

TWEEDLEDUM: And darker. ALICE: It is getting darker. (looks to the sky) What a thick black cloud that is! And how fast it comes! Why, I do believe its got wings! TWEEDLEDEE: It’s the crow! The Tweedles scream and run. ALICE: That takes care of that. Alice looks at the crow. ALICE: My, that is a monstrous crow, indeed. Why, it’s the largest bird I’ve ever seen, and that beak looks sharp…maybe I should leave too. Alice quickly runs out. Blackout.

SCENE 6 Alice runs in. ALICE: I think I’ve lost that crow, but, oh dear, I believe I’ve lost the Tweedles too! Alice catches her breath, not noticing the CATERPILLAR on a mushroom. CATERPILLAR: Who are you? ALICE: I—I hardly know just at present. I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I’ve changed several times since then. CATERPILLAR: What do you mean by that? Explain yourself. ALICE: I can’t explain myself, I’m afraid because I’m not myself, you see. CATERPILLAR: I don’t see. ALICE: I’m afraid I can’t put it more clearly, for I can’t understand it myself to begin with, and being so many different sizes in a day is very confusing. CATERPILLAR: It isn’t.

22  

ALICE: Well, perhaps you haven’t found it so yet, but when you have to turn into a chrysalis—you will someday, you know—and then after that into a butterfly, I should think you’ll feel a little odd, won’t you? CATERPILLAR: Not a bit. ALICE: Well, perhaps your feelings may be different. All I know is, it would feel very odd to me. CATERPILLAR: You! Who are you? ALICE: I think, you ought to tell me who you are first. CATERPILLAR: Why? Frustrated with the Caterpillar, Alice starts to storm off. CATERPILLAR: Come back! I’ve something important to say! Alice comes back. CATERPILLAR: Keep your temper. ALICE: Is that all? CATERPILLAR: No. The Caterpillar sits silently. Alice waits, impatiently. CATERPILLAR: So, you think you’ve changed, do you? ALICE: I’m afraid I have. CATERPILLAR: Repeat “How doth the busy bee.” ALICE: “How doth the little crocodile Improve his shining tail, And pour the waters of the Nile On every golden scale. How cheerfully he seems to grin, How neatly spreads his claws, And welcome little fishes in With gently smiling jaws.” CATERPILLAR: That is not said right.

23  

ALICE: Not quite right, I’m afraid. Some of the words have gotten altered. CATERPILLAR: It is wrong from beginning to end. The Caterpillar sits silently. Alice waits. CATERPILLAR: What size do you want to be? ALICE: Well, I should like to be a little larger, if you wouldn’t mind. Three inches is such a wretched height to be. Caterpillar angrily rears up. CATERPILLAR: It is a very good height indeed! ALICE: But I’m not used to it! CATERPILLAR: You’ll get used to it in time. The Caterpillar gets off the mushroom, and starts to leave. CATERPILLAR: One side will make you grow taller, and the other side will make you grow shorter. ALICE: One side of what? The other side of what? CATERPILLAR: Of the mushroom. The Caterpillar exits. ALICE: Which is which? She takes a piece off each side of the mushroom. She tries one piece. ALICE: Well, that’s no good, it made me smaller. I’ll put this piece in my left pocket. (eats the other piece) I’m growing! I think I must be about nine inches high now. I shall put this piece in my right pocket. She looks about. ALICE: I suppose there’s nothing to do now but continue down this trail. She exits.

24  

SCENE 7 Alice enters. ALICE: Oh, where am I now? Perhaps I can ask at that house there. FROG FOOTMAN #1 enters. She stops before the house. FROG FOOTMAN #1: For the Duchess! An invitation from the Queen to play croquet! FROG FOOTMAN #2 steps out. FROG FOOTMAN #2: From the Queen. An invitation for the Duchess to play croquet. FROG FOOTMAN #1: For the Duchess. An invitation from the Queen to play croquet. FROG FOOTMAN #2: From the Queen. An invitation for the Duchess to play croquet. FROG FOOTMAN #1: For the Duchess. FROG FOOTMAN #2: From the Queen. FROG FOOTMAN #1/#2: An invitation— FROG FOOTMAN #1: From the Queen. FROG FOOTMAN #2: For the Duchess. FROG FOOTMAN #1/#2: To play croquet. The bow and knock heads. Alice laughs as Frog Footman #2 falls down. Frog Footman #1 exits. Alice walks up to the house. FROG FOOTMAN #2: There’s no sort of use in knocking. I’m on the same side of the door as you are. He stands and looks at the sky. ALICE: Please, then, how am I to get in? FROG FOOTMAN #2: There might be some sense in your knocking if we had the door between us. For instance, if you were inside, you might knock, and I could let you out. Alice looks into the sky to try to see what the Frog Footman is looking at.

25  

ALICE: (to herself) Nothing. Perhaps he can’t help it. His eyes are so very nearly at the top of his head. But at any rate he might answer questions. (to Frog Footman #2) How am I to get in? FROG FOOTMAN #2: I shall sit here till tomorrow— A plate flies out of the house, hitting the ground, startling Alice, but not Frog Footman #2. FROG FOOTMAN #2: —or next day, maybe. ALICE: (louder) How am I to get in? FROG FOOTMAN #2: Are you to get in at all? That’s the first question, you know. ALICE: It’s really dreadful the way all the creatures argue. It’s enough to drive one crazy! FROG FOOTMAN #2: I shall sit here, on and off, for days and days. ALICE: But what am I to do? FROG FOOTMAN #2: Anything you like. He starts to whistle. ALICE: Oh, there’s no use in talking to him, he’s perfectly idiotic! Alice enters the house. The DUCHESS is holding a bundled-up baby, feeding it with a bottle. She sneezes repeatedly throughout the scene. The baby can be heard wailing or sneezing throughout the scene. The COOK is stirring a cauldron over a fire. The Cheshire Cat, sitting nearby, stares at Alice, grinning. Neither the Cheshire Cat, nor the Cook sneeze. As Alice enters, she starts to sneeze. ALICE: There’s certainly too much pepper in that soup! Alice makes eye contact with the Cheshire Cat, who continues to grin at her. Alice is uneasy. She steps closer to the Duchess. The Cook tastes the soup. COOK: Needs more pepper. She adds more pepper. ALICE: (to Duchess) Please, would you tell me why your cat grins like that? DUCHESS: It’s a Cheshire cat, that’s why. ALICE: I didn’t know that Cheshire cats always grinned; in fact, I didn’t know that cats could grin.

26  

The Cook tastes the soup. COOK: More pepper. She adds more pepper. DUCHESS: They all can and most of ’em do. ALICE: I don’t know of any that do. DUCHESS: You don’t know much and that’s a fact. Alice gets ready to angrily retort, but the Cook, who has removed the cauldron from the fire and taken it to a table, begins to throw everything within her reach at the Duchess and the baby. The Duchess seems not to notice, but Alice is horrified, worried about the baby. ALICE: Oh, please mind what you’re doing! DUCHESS: If everybody minded their own business, the world would go round a deal faster than it does. The Cook tastes the soup. COOK: There’s not nearly enough pepper in this. She adds more pepper. ALICE: Which would not be an advantage. Just think of what work it would make with the day and night! You see the earth takes twenty-four hours to turn round on its axis— DUCHESS: Talking of axes… (to Cook) chop off her head! Alice glances anxiously at the Cook, but the Cook is busily tasting the soup, and doesn’t seem to be listening. COOK: There’s no pepper at all in this. Adds more pepper. ALICE: At any rate, twenty-four hours, I think; or is it twelve? I— DUCHESS: Oh, don’t bother me. Here, you may nurse it a bit, if you like. The Duchess throws the baby to Alice, who catches it.

27  

DUCHESS: I must go and get ready to play croquet with the Queen. The Duchess leaves the room. The Cook throws something after the Duchess, but it misses her. The Cook tastes the soup. COOK: Needs salt. She adds the entire pepper container. Alice leaves the house with the baby. ALICE: If I don’t take this child away with me, they’re sure to kill it in a day or two. Wouldn’t it be murder to leave it behind? The baby grunts like a pig. ALICE: Don’t grunt. That’s not at all a proper way of expressing yourself. The baby grunts again. ALICE: If you’re going to turn into a pig, I’ll have nothing more to do with you. (to herself) What am I to do with this creature when I get it home? The baby grunts again, louder. Alice reveals the baby to the audience – it has become a pig. ALICE: It would be quite absurd for me to carry you any further. I’ll set you down here where you can best be a pig. If you had grown up, you would have made a dreadfully ugly child, but you makes rather a handsome pig, I think. Alice exits with the pig.

SCENE 8 The Cheshire Cat is sitting on stage, grinning. Alice enters. ALICE: (startled) Oh! It’s the Duchess’ cat. Curiouser and curiouser, I swear I’ve seen that grin more than once today. That grin with those very sharp teeth. I shall have to be very respectful and polite. (to Cheshire Cat) Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to walk from here? CHESHIRE CAT: That depends a good deal on where you want to get to. ALICE: I don’t much care where. CHESHIRE CAT: Then it doesn’t matter which way you walk. ALICE: So long as I get somewhere.

28  

CHESHIRE CAT: Oh, you’re sure to do that if you only walk long enough. ALICE: What sort of people live about here? CHESHIRE CAT: In that direction (points) lives a Hatter: and in that direction (points) lives a March Hare. Visit either you like: they’re both mad. ALICE: But I don’t want to go among mad people. CHESHIRE CAT: Oh, you can’t help that, we’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad. ALICE: How do you know I’m mad? CHESHIRE CAT: You must be, or you wouldn’t have come here. ALICE: And how do you know that you’re mad? CHESHIRE CAT: To begin with, a dog’s not mad. You grant that? ALICE: I suppose so. CHESHIRE CAT: Well, then, you see a dog growls when it’s angry, and wags its tail when it’s pleased. Now I growl when I’m pleased, and wag my tail when I’m angry. Therefore I’m mad. ALICE: I call it purring, not growling. CHESHIRE CAT: Call it what you like, but when you whisper you are still talking. Do you play croquet with the Queen today? ALICE: I should like it very much, but I haven’t been invited yet. CHESHIRE CAT: You’ll see me there. The Cheshire Cat vanishes, then suddenly returns. CHESHIRE CAT: By-the-by, what became of the baby? I’d nearly forgotten to ask. ALICE: It turned into a pig. CHESHIRE CAT: I thought it would. The Cheshire Cat vanishes. ALICE: I’ve seen hatters before, so the March Hare will be much more interesting, and perhaps, as this is May, it won’t be raving mad—at least not so mad as it was in March.

29  

The Cheshire Cat appears again. CHESHIRE CAT: Did you say pig, or fig? ALICE: I said pig, and I wish you wouldn’t keep appearing and vanishing so suddenly; you make one quite giddy. CHESHIRE CAT: All right. The Cheshire Cat vanishes, the smile vanishing last. ALICE: Well! I’ve often seen a cat without a grin, but a grin without a cat? It’s the most curious thing I ever saw in all my life! She exits.

SCENE 9 A table full of dishes with chairs around it. At one end sits the HATTER, the MARCH HARE, and the DORMOUSE. Alice enters. HATTER/MARCH HARE: No room! No room! ALICE: There’s plenty of room! Alice sits at the other end of the table. MARCH HARE: Have some wine. ALICE: (looking around) I don’t see any wine. MARCH HARE: There isn’t any. ALICE: Then it wasn’t very civil of you to offer it. MARCH HARE: It wasn’t very civil of you to sit down without being invited. ALICE: I didn’t know it was your table. It’s laid for a great many more than three. HATTER: Your hair wants cutting. ALICE: You should learn not to make personal remarks; it’s very rude. The Cheshire Cat enters, unseen by the others and watches, grinning.

30  

HATTER: Why is a raven like a writing-desk? ALICE: We shall have some fun now. I’m glad you’ve begun asking riddles. I believe I can guess that. MARCH HARE: Do you mean that you think you can find out the answer to it? ALICE: Exactly so. MARCH HARE: Then you should say what you mean. ALICE: I do; at least I mean what I say. That’s the same thing, you know. HATTER: Not the same thing a bit! Why, you might just as well say “I see what I eat” is the same thing as “I eat what I see.” MARCH HARE: You might just as well say, “I like what I get” is the same thing as “I get what I like.” DORMOUSE: (seemingly talking in her sleep) You might just as well say, “I breathe when I sleep” is the same thing as “I sleep when I breathe.” HATTER: It is the same thing with you. MARCH HARE: Take some more tea. ALICE: I’ve had nothing yet, so I can’t take more. HATTER: You mean, you can’t take less. It’s very easy to take more than nothing. ALICE: Nobody asked your opinion. HATTER: Who’s making personal remarks now? The Cheshire Cat exits. HATTER: I want a clean cup, let’s all move one place on. The Hatter moves to Alice’s position, and she reluctantly moves to the March Hare’s now vacant spot as she moved to the Dormouse’s and the Dormouse moves to the Hatter’s. Dormouse drifts off to sleep again. MARCH HARE: Let’s have a story. (pinches Dormouse) You tell the best. DORMOUSE: Once upon a time… (falls asleep)

31  

The Hatter pinches the Dormouse this time. DORMOUSE: And they lived happily ever after. The end. (falls asleep) MARCH HARE: (dries her eyes) Beautiful. HATTER: That’s always been my favourite. ALICE: But there was no middle. HATTER: Have you guessed the riddle yet? ALICE: No, I give it up. What’s the answer? HATTER: I haven’t the slightest idea. MARCH HARE: Nor I. DORMOUSE: (seemingly talking in her sleep) Me either. ALICE: I think you might do something better with the time, then waste it in asking riddles that have no answers. HATTER: If you knew Time as well as I do, you wouldn’t talk about wasting it. It’s him. ALICE: I don’t know what you mean. HATTER: Of course you don’t! I daresay you never even spoke to Time! ALICE: Perhaps not, but I know I have to beat time when I learn music. HATTER: Ah! That accounts for it, he won’t stand beating. Now, if you only kept on good terms with him, he’d do almost anything you liked with the clock. For instance, suppose it were nine o’clock in the morning, just time to begin lessons: you’d only have to whisper a hint to Time, and round goes the clock in a twinkling. Half-past one, time for dinner. MARCH HARE: I only wish it was. ALICE: That would be grand, certainly, but then I shouldn’t be hungry for it, you know. HATTER: Not at first, perhaps, but you could keep it to half-past one as long as you liked. ALICE: Is that the way you manage? HATTER: Not I. We quarreled last March, just before she (points at March Hare) went mad. It was at the great concert given by the Queen of Hearts, and I had to sing:

32  

“Twinkle, twinkle, little bat How I wonder what you’re at” You know the song, perhaps? ALICE: I’ve heard something like it. HATTER: It goes on, you know. “Up above the world you fly, Like a teatray in the sky. Twinkle, twinkle—” The Dormouse begins to sing in her sleep. DORMOUSE: Twinkle, twinkle, twinkle, twinkle— The March Hare pinches the Dormouse, waking her. HATTER: I’d hardly finished the first verse, when the Queen bawled out, “She’s murdering the time! Off with her head!” ALICE: How dreadfully savage! HATTER: And ever since that, Time won’t do a thing I ask! It’s always six o’clock now. ALICE: Is that the reason so many tea-things are put out here? HATTER: Yes, that’s it. It’s always tea-time, and we’ve no time to wash the things between whiles. ALICE: Then you keep moving round, I suppose? HATTER: Exactly so, as the things get used up. DORMOUSE: (seemingly talking in her sleep) Used up. ALICE: But what do you do when you come to the beginning again? The Hatter and the March Hare look at Alice as though she is mad. The Cheshire Cat enters. CHESHIRE CAT: How are you getting along? ALICE: Oh, Cheshire Cat, it’s you. I wish I had never come to this dreadful place. Having tea with those who are mad is not at all a pleasant experience. CHESHIRE CAT: They’re at it again.

33  

Alice looks back at the table, not sure what Cheshire Cat is talking about. ALICE: Who are at it again? CHESHIRE CAT: Why the Lion and the Unicorn, of course. ALICE: Like in the rhyme? CHESHIRE CAT: That’s them. ALICE: Are they fighting for the crown? CHESHIRE CAT: Yes, to be sure. Let’s run and see them. They exit.

SCENE 10 The LION and the UNICORN are fighting. Alice and the Cheshire Cat enter. ALICE: That looks dangerous! One of them may get hurt! CHESHIRE CAT: They never do. The fight continues. ALICE: Does the one that wins get the crown? CHESHIRE CAT: Dear me, no! What an idea! The Lion and the Unicorn sit down, panting. UNICORN: Had enough? LION: Not nearly. What about you? UNICORN: I could destroy you now, but I could also wait. LION: We could wait until later. The crown will still be there. CHESHIRE CAT: I don’t think they’ll fight any more today. The Unicorn stands and walks over to Alice and the Cheshire Cat. UNICORN: I had the best of it this time.

34  

CHESHIRE CAT: A little, a little. You shouldn’t have run him through with your horn, you know. UNICORN: It didn’t hurt him. (looking at Alice) What—is—this? CHESHIRE CAT: This is a child. I only found it today. It’s as large as life, and twice as natural. UNICORN: I always thought they were fabulous monsters! Is it alive? CHESHIRE CAT: It can talk. UNICORN: (dreamily) Talk, child. ALICE: Do you know, I always thought unicorns were fabulous monsters, too! I never saw one alive before! The Lion gets up and starts to walk over to them. UNICORN: Well, now that we have seen each other, if you’ll believe in me, I’ll believe in you. Is that a bargain? ALICE: Yes, if you like. The Lion arrives, looking tired, his eyes half closed. LION: (looking at Alice) What’s this? UNICORN: You’ll never guess! I couldn’t. LION: Are you animal, vegetable, or mineral? UNICORN: It’s a fabulous monster! LION: Then hand round some plum-cake, Monster. ALICE: I’m afraid I haven’t got any cake. LION: No cake! How can it be possible to have a fight and no refreshments at the end? UNICORN: What a fight we might have for the crown, now! LION: I should win easily. UNICORN: I’m not so sure of that.

35  

LION: Why, I beat you all round the town, you chicken! CHESHIRE CAT: All round the town? That’s a good long way. Did you go by the old bridge, or the market-place? You get the best view by the old bridge. LION: I’m sure I don’t know. There was too much dust to see anything. What a time the Monster is, cutting up that cake! ALICE: But I told you, I haven’t any cake. UNICORN: I say, this isn’t fair! The Monster hasn’t brought us any cake. LION: Do you like plum-cake, Monster? ALICE: I do indeed. UNICORN: Keeping it all for yourself then, are we? What a dreadful monster you are. ALICE: I haven’t any cake to keep from you. LION: Selfish Monster. UNICORN: It’s nearly as bad as you. LION: Do I need to beat you round this place again? UNICORN: You can try. ALICE: Now, now, let’s leave off fighting. LION: We would, but there’s no refreshments, so we might as well go on fighting. UNICORN: I’ll have you this time. LION: You never have before. UNICORN: For the crown, I’ll do what I must. LION: Come on then. They begin to fight, and it carries them off stage. CHESHIRE CAT: Have you seen the Mock Turtle yet? ALICE: Shouldn’t we stop them from fighting?

36  

CHESHIRE CAT: There’s no point in that. They fight all the time. ALICE: Isn’t that all the more reason to make them stop? CHESHIRE CAT: Can you stop a lion? ALICE: Of course not. CHESHIRE CAT: Neither can I. ALICE: It’s dreadful that they will just carry on this way. CHESHIRE CAT: Happens every day. Shall we see the Mock Turtle? ALICE: I don’t even know what a Mock Turtle is. CHESHIRE CAT: It’s the thing Mock Turtle Soup is made from. ALICE: I never saw, or heard of one. CHESHIRE CAT: Come on, then. The Cheshire Cat exits and Alice follows.

SCENE 11 The GRYPHON lies sleeping on the ground. The Cheshire Cat and Alice enter. CHESHIRE CAT: (to Gryphon) Up, lazy thing! The Gryphon wakes, yawning, rubbing her eyes. CHESHIRE CAT: Take this young lady to see the Mock Turtle. GRYPHON: What is that you ask? CHESHIRE CAT: Take this young lady to see the Mock Turtle. GRYPHON: If you wish, though she’s not much for visitors. ALICE: Wait, if she’s not much for visitors, perhaps we shouldn’t see her. GRYPHON: She loves visitors. ALICE: You just said—

37  

GRYPHON: She’s very upset. ALICE: About visitors? GRYPHON: Of course not. She loves visitors. CHESHIRE CAT: You should ask her to share her story. ALICE: Why can no one here answer a straight question? CHESHIRE CAT: Perhaps you should try a crooked one. ALICE: How do you ask a crooked question? CHESHIRE CAT: It’s best not to think about. GRYPHON: Shall we see the Mock Turtle? CHESHIRE CAT: I think that you should. ALICE: Well, if she likes visitors, I suppose so. GRYPHON: She’s not much for visitors. Alice stamps her foot. ALICE: Can you please make sense? CHESHIRE CAT: What a thing to ask one who is mad. We could hardly be mad if we made sense. GRYPHON: Quite right. How wrong. The Cheshire Cat exits. ALICE: Is the Mock Turtle mad too? (sees the Cheshire Cat is gone) Gone again! But then who can ever keep track of a cat? GRYPHON: This way. Come along. They start to walk. Soon they hear crying. ALICE: Is that the Mock Turtle? GRYPHON: That is she.

38  

ALICE: What is her sorrow? GRYPHON: It’s all her fancy, that. She hasn’t gotten any sorrow, you know. MOCK TURTLE enters in tears, singing. MOCK TURTLE: “Beautiful Soup, so rich and green, Waiting in a hot tureen Who for such dainties would not stoop? Soup of the evening, beautiful soup! Soup of the evening, beautiful soup! Beau—ootiful Soo—ooup! Beau—ootiful Soo—ooup! Soo—ooup of the e—e—evening, Beautiful, beautiful soup! Beautiful soup! Who cares for fish, Game, or any other dish? Who would not give all else for two Pennyworth only of beautiful soup? Pennyworth only of beautiful soup? Beau—ootiful Soo—ooup! Beau—ootiful Soo—ooup! Soo—ooup of the e—e—evening, Beautiful, beautiful soup!” GRYPHON: This here young lady, she wants for to know your history, she does. MOCK TURTLE: I’ll tell it her. Sit down, both of you, and don’t speak a word till I’ve finished. The Mock Turtle pauses for a long time. ALICE: I don’t see how you can ever finish, if you don’t begin. The long pause continues. MOCK TURTLE: Once, I was a real Turtle. (sobs) When we were little, we went to school in the sea. The master was an old Turtle. We used to call him Tortoise. ALICE: Why did you call him Tortoise, if he wasn’t one? MOCK TURTLE: We called him Tortoise because he taught us. (angrily) Really you are very dull!

39  

GRYPHON: You ought to be ashamed of yourself for asking such a simple question. Drive on, old fellow. Don’t be all day about it. MOCK TURTLE: Yes, we went to school in the sea, though you may not believe it. ALICE: I never said I didn’t! MOCK TURTLE: You did. GRYPHON: Hold your tongue! MOCK TURTLE: We had the best of educations. In fact, we went to school every day. ALICE: I’ve been to a day-school too; you needn’t be so proud as all that. MOCK TURTLE: With extras? ALICE: Yes, we learned French and music. MOCK TURTLE: And washing? ALICE: Certainly not! MOCK TURTLE: Ah! Then yours wasn’t a really good school. Now at ours they had at the end of the bill, “French, music, and washing—extra.” ALICE: You couldn’t have wanted it much, living at the bottom of the sea. MOCK TURTLE: I couldn’t afford to learn it. I only took the regular course. ALICE: What was that? MOCK TURTLE: Reeling and Writhing, of course, to begin with, and then the different branches of Arithmetic—Ambition, Distraction, Uglification, and Derision. ALICE: I never heard of “Uglification.” What is it? GRYPHON: Never heard of uglifying! You know what to beautify is, I suppose? ALICE: Yes, it means to make anything prettier. GRYPHON: Well then, if you don’t know what to uglify is, you are a simpleton. ALICE: (to Mock Turtle) What else had you to learn?

40  

MOCK TURTLE: Well, there was Mystery, ancient and modern, with Seaography, then Drawling. The Drawling-master was an old eel that used to come once a week. He taught us Drawling, Stretching, and Fainting in Coils. ALICE: What was that like? MOCK TURTLE: Well, I can’t show it to you myself, I’m too stiff and the Gryphon never learnt it. GRYPHON: Hadn’t time. I went to the Classical master, though. He was an old crab, he was. MOCK TURTLE: I never went to him. (sighs) He taught Laughing and Grief, they used to say. GRYPHON: So he did, so he did. They both sigh and hide their faces with their paws. ALICE: And how many hours a day did you do lessons? MOCK TURTLE: Ten hours the first day, nine the next, and so on. ALICE: What a curious plan! GRYPHON: That’s the reason they’re called lessons, because they lessen from day today. The Cheshire Cat enters. CHESHIRE CAT: Are you ready to meet the Queen? GRYPHON: What fun! MOCK TURTLE: Oh, why can’t I meet the Queen? (sobs) GRYPHON: Calm yourself. We’re going to play croquet with her today. CHESHIRE CAT: We’ll be there too. ALICE: I still haven’t been invited. CHESHIRE CAT: No matter. Come with me. The Cheshire Cat and Alice exit. MOCK TURTLE: They’ve left us behind! (sobs) She exits, singing Beautiful Soup again. The Gryphon follows, shaking her head.

41  

SCENE 12 Alice enters the garden. ROSE, VIOLET, TIGER-LILY, DAISY #1, DAISY #2 and DAISY #3 stand still and silent. ALICE: At last, we’ve found the garden! It’s even more beautiful than I imagined. What do you think, Cheshire Cat? (sees she is gone) Oh! Cheshire Cat, where did you go? I am all alone here now. What an odd day it’s been. (looking at Tiger-lily) Oh Tiger-lily, I wish you could talk. TIGER-LILY: We can talk, when there’s anybody worth talking to. ALICE: (astonished whisper) Can all the flowers talk? DAISY #1: As well as you can, and a great deal louder. ROSE: It’s poor manners for us to begin, you know, and I really was wondering when you’d speak! Said I to myself, “Her face has got some sense in it, though it’s not a clever one!” DAISY #1: Still, you’re the right colour and that goes a long way. VIOLET: I don’t care about the colour, if only her petals curled up a little more, she’d be all right. ALICE: Aren’t you sometimes frightened at being planted out here, with nobody to take care of you? TIGER-LILY: There’s the tree in the middle, what else is it good for? ALICE: But what could it do, if any danger came? ROSE: It could bark. DAISY #1: It says “Bough-wough!” That’s why its branches are called boughs! DAISY #2: Didn’t you know that? DAISY #3: How can she not know that? Everyone knows that. VIOLET: I didn’t know that. TIGER-LILY: Well, you’re not the brightest flower here. ROSE: Silence, every one of you! DAISY #1: Make us!

42  

DAISY #3: Yes, what will you do if we’re not silent? DAISY #2: Come over here and do something about it. ROSE: They know I can’t get at them, or they wouldn’t dare to do it! ALICE: Never mind! If you don’t hold your tongues, I’ll pick you! The flowers go silent. ROSE: That’s right! Daisies are worst of all. When one speaks, they all begin together, and it’s enough to make one wither to hear the way they go on! ALICE: How is it you can all talk so nicely? I’ve been in many gardens before, but none of the flowers could talk. TIGER-LILY: Put your hand down, and feel the ground, then you’ll know why. ALICE: (touches the ground) It’s very hard, but I don’t see what that has to do with it. VIOLET: In most gardens, they make the beds too soft, so the flowers are always asleep. ALICE: I never thought of that before! ROSE: It’s my opinion that you never think at all. I’ve never seen anybody that looked stupider. TIGER-LILY: Hold your tongue! As if you ever saw anybody! You keep your head under the leaves, and snore away there, till you know no more what’s going on in the world, than if you were a bud! ALICE: Are there any more people in the garden besides me? VIOLET: There’s one other flower in the garden that can move about like you. I wonder how you do it— ROSE: You’re always wondering. VIOLET: —but she’s more bushy than you are. ALICE: Is she like me? There’s another little girl in the garden, somewhere? ROSE: Well, she has the same awkward shape as you, but she’s redder and her petals are shorter, I think. ALICE: Does she ever come out here?

43  

ROSE: I daresay you’ll see her soon. She’s one of the thorny kind. DAISY #2: Quite sharp. DAISY #3: Deadly. ALICE: Where does she wear the thorns? ROSE: Why all round her head, of course. DAISY #1: She’s coming! I hear her footstep, thump, thump, thump, along the gravelwalk! The QUEEN and KING of HEARTS enter, surrounded by soldiers as well as the KNAVE OF HEARTS. They march across the stage. ALICE: Why that must be the Queen! I think I’ll go and meet her. ROSE: You can’t possibly do that. I should advise you to walk the other way. ALICE: What jabber. I’ve never before met a queen, and I hope she will invite me to play croquet. The court exits the stage. Alice turns, looking around for them. ALICE: Oh no, where did they go? VIOLET: We could tell you, but you really shouldn’t follow. DAISY #3: It never ends well. DAISY #2: Best to stay here with us. VIOLET: Smarter. ALICE: Perhaps it’s best if flowers don’t talk, if all they say is nonsense. ROSE: Let her go then to meet the thorny one. It’s no concern of ours. DAISY #1: She did threaten to pick us. They point. FLOWERS: She went that way. Alice exits.

44  

TIGER-LILY: Good riddance.

SCENE 13 TWO, FIVE, and SEVEN are painting a white rose bush red. Alice enters. ALICE: (to herself) What in the world is going on here? TWO: Look out now, Five! Don’t go splashing paint over me like that! FIVE: I couldn’t help it, Seven jogged my elbow. SEVEN: That’s right, Five, always lay the blame on others. FIVE: You’d better not talk! I heard the Queen say only yesterday you deserved to be beheaded. TWO: What for? SEVEN: That’s none of your business, Two! FIVE: Yes, it is her business and I’ll tell her: it was for bringing the cook tulip-roots instead of onions. SEVEN: Well, of all the unjust things— She stops when she sees Alice watching them. ALICE: Would you tell me please why you are painting those roses? TWO: Why, the fact is, you see, Miss, this here ought to have been a red rose-tree, and we put a white one in by mistake. If the Queen was to find it out, we should all have our heads cut off, you know. So you see, Miss, we’re doing our best, before she comes, to— FIVE: The Queen! The Queen! The cards throw themselves down, faces to the ground, as the Queen and King of Hearts enter, with the Knave of Hearts, the White Rabbit, and soldiers. QUEEN OF HEARTS: (referring to Alice) Who is this? KNAVE OF HEARTS: (bows) I am afraid I don’t know, Your Highness. QUEEN OF HEARTS: Idiot! (to Alice) What’s your name, child? ALICE: My name is Alice.

45  

QUEEN OF HEARTS: Where do you come from and where are you going? ALICE: I don’t really know anymore where I am from nor where I am going. I’m afraid I’ve lost my way. QUEEN OF HEARTS: I don’t know what you mean by your way; all the ways about here belong to me. KING OF HEARTS: And to me to, my dear, let’s not forget that. QUEEN OF HEARTS: (dismissively) Yes, yes, yes. (to Alice) Why did you come out here at all? Curtsey while you’re thinking what to say, it saves time. Alice curtseys. QUEEN OF HEARTS: It’s time for you to answer now and do always say “Your Majesty” when speaking to a queen. ALICE: I came to your kingdom quite by accident, Your Majesty— QUEEN OF HEARTS: That’s right. She pats Alice on the head like a dog, which annoys Alice. Before Alice can say anything, the Queen of Hearts notices the gardeners. QUEEN OF HEARTS: And who are these? ALICE: How should I know? It’s no business of mine. QUEEN OF HEARTS: (roaring) How dare you! Off with her head! Off— ALICE: Nonsense! The Queen of Hearts is too angry to speak. KING OF HEARTS: Consider, my dear: she is only a child. QUEEN OF HEARTS: (snapping at the Knave of Hearts) Turn them over! The Knave of Hearts turns over the cards with his foot. QUEEN OF HEARTS: Get up! The gardeners jump up, and begin bowing.

46  

QUEEN OF HEARTS: Leave off that, fools! What have you been doing here? She begins to study the rose bush. TWO: May it please, Your Majesty, we were trying— QUEEN OF HEARTS: I see. Off with their heads! Soldiers move to grabs the gardeners, who run to Alice. ALICE: You shan’t be beheaded! Alice hides the gardeners. The soldiers can’t find them. QUEEN OF HEARTS: Are their heads off? SOLDIERS: Their heads are gone, if it please, Your Majesty! QUEEN OF HEARTS: That’s right! (to Alice) Can you play croquet? ALICE: Why, yes, I love croquet. QUEEN OF HEARTS: Come on then. The procession starts to set up the croquet field, joined by Mock Turtle, Gryphon, Dodo, Mouse, Eagle, Duck, Monkey, Tweedledee and Tweedledum. The soldiers make themselves into hoops, as the animals and royalty get flamingo mallets. WHITE RABBIT: (to Alice timidly) It’s—it’s a very fine day. ALICE: Very. Where’s the Duchess? WHITE RABBIT: Hush! Hush! She’s under sentence of execution. ALICE: What for? WHITE RABBIT: She boxed the Queen’s ears. Alice laughs. WHITE RABBIT: Oh, hush! The Queen will hear you! You see the Duchess came rather late, and the Queen said— QUEEN OF HEARTS: Get to your places! Alice is handed a mallet.

47  

ALICE: Why this mallet is a flamingo! Alice wrestles with her mallet. ALICE: How can I possibly play croquet with a flamingo mallet? She finally gets control of her mallet and then looks for a ball. ALICE: I need a ball. Which is mine? She watches the others play for a bit. ALICE: Curiouser and curiouser. The balls are hedgehogs and they’re moving! The hoops begin to move too. ALICE: This is utter chaos. It is not possible to play croquet in this way! QUEEN OF HEARTS: Off with her head! Off with her head! MONKEY: Oh spare me, Your Highness, Your Worship! QUEEN OF HEARTS: Off with her head! Soldiers pull the Monkey off stage. QUEEN OF HEARTS: Back to the game! Everyone goes back to playing. Alice attempts to play. QUEEN OF HEARTS: Off with his head! MOUSE: Mercy, Your Majesty! The Mouse is taken off stage. ALICE: Now the poor Mouse. What did he do to the Queen? I didn’t see him box the Queen’s ears. Everyone continues to play. QUEEN OF HEARTS: Off with their heads! DODO/DUCK: Grant us mercy, Your Majesty!

48  

The Dodo and the Duck are taken away. ALICE: They’re dreadfully fond of beheading people here. The great wonder is that there’s anyone left alive! The Cheshire Cat appears as just a head. ALICE: Oh Cheshire Cat, I am so glad to see you! Well, the part of you I can see at least. CHESHIRE CAT: How are you getting on? ALICE: I don’t think they play at all fairly and they don’t seem to have any rules in particular; at least, if there are, nobody attends to them, and you’ve no idea how confusing it is all the things being alive! For instance, there’s the arch I’ve got to go through next, walking about at the other end of the ground. And I should have croqueted the Queen’s hedgehog just now, only it ran away when it saw mine coming! CHESHIRE CAT: How do you like the Queen? The Queen and King of Hearts comes up behind Alice. ALICE: Not at all. She’s so extremely— (sees the Queen of Hearts) —likely to win, that it’s hardly worthwhile finishing the game. The Queen of Hearts smiles proudly and goes back to the game. KING OF HEARTS: Who are you talking to? ALICE: It’s a friend of mine, Cheshire Cat. Allow me to introduce her. KING OF HEARTS: I don’t like the look of it at all, however, it may kiss my hand if it likes. CHESHIRE CAT: I’d rather not. KING OF HEARTS: Don’t be insolent. And don’t look at me like that! ALICE: A cat may look at a king. I’ve read that in some book, but I don’t remember where. KING OF HEARTS: Well, it must be removed. (to the Queen of Hearts) My dear! I wish you would have this cat removed! QUEEN OF HEARTS: Off with her head! CHESHIRE CAT: You can hardly remove a head that is not attached to a body. Hearing this, the Queen of Hearts storms over.

49  

QUEEN OF HEARTS: You dare to question me!? CHESHIRE CAT: There was no question, merely a fact. QUEEN OF HEARTS: You will put your head on the block! CHESHIRE CAT: I’d rather not. A soldier comes over and whispers in the King of Hearts’ ear. QUEEN OF HEARTS: Off with her head! Off with her head! Someone bring me her head, or I’ll have everybody executed all round! KING OF HEARTS: (reacts in horror to soldier’s words) Your Majesty! Someone has stolen your tarts! QUEEN OF HEARTS: Off with their head! KING OF HEARTS: Whose head? QUEEN OF HEARTS: He who stole my tarts! KING OF HEARTS: The guilty party isn’t known. QUEEN OF HEARTS: Then off with his (points to soldier) head! KING OF HEARTS: What about a trial? ALICE: How can you have a trial without anyone to try? QUEEN OF HEARTS: Try the Knave! KNAVE OF HEARTS: My Queen, I have never in my life eaten a tart. QUEEN OF HEARTS: Then off with your head! KNAVE OF HEARTS: The trial! I’ll take the trial! The King of Hearts claps his hands in delight. KING OF HEARTS: At last! QUEEN OF HEARTS: To the court! Everyone except for Alice and the Cheshire Cat begin to exit.

50  

ALICE: (to the Cheshire Cat) Oh what horror! CHESHIRE CAT: What fun. ALICE: Fun? The poor Knave being tried for a crime he did not commit, and poor dear Monkey, Dodo, Mouse, and Duck are to be beheaded! CHESHIRE CAT: It’s all her fancy, that: they never execute nobody, you know. The Duchess is inside now having tea. ALICE: Well, then I should like to see the order of trial. I will welcome it after all the oddness of today. Are you coming? CHESHIRE CAT: I’d rather not. The Cheshire Cat vanishes. Alice exits.

SCENE 14 The King and Queen of Hearts sit on thrones. The White Rabbit is the herald. The Knave of Hearts sits in the defendant box. The jury is made up of Dodo, Mouse, Eagle, Duck, Monkey, the Frog Footmen, Unicorn, Lion, and Caterpillar. Hatter, March Hare, Dormouse, Cook, Tweedledee, Tweedledum, Mock Turtle, Gryphon, Two, Five, and Seven sit in the audience with Alice. Soldiers stand about the stage. KING OF HEARTS: Herald, read the accusation! The White Rabbit unrolls a parchment and reads it. WHITE RABBIT: “The Queen of Hearts, she made some tarts, All on a summer day: The Knave of Hearts, he stole those tarts, And took them quite away!” KING OF HEARTS: (to jury) Consider your verdict. QUEEN OF HEARTS: No, no, sentence first, verdict afterwards. WHITE RABBIT: Not yet, not yet! There’s a great deal to come before that! ALICE: Stuff and nonsense, the idea of having the sentence first. KING OF HEARTS: Call the first witness.

51  

The White Rabbit blows his trumpet three times. WHITE RABBIT: First witness! The Hatter stands, holding a teacup. HATTER: I beg pardon, Your Majesty, for bringing this in, but I hadn’t quite finished my tea when I was sent for. KING OF HEARTS: You ought to have finished. When did you begin? The Hatter looks at the March Hare and the Dormouse next to Alice. The Dormouse is sleeping. HATTER: Fourteenth of March, I think it was. MARCH HARE: Fifteenth. DORMOUSE: (seemingly talking in her sleep) Sixteenth. KING OF HEARTS: (to jury) Write that down. The jury does. QUEEN OF HEARTS: (to the Hatter) Take off your hat. HATTER: It isn’t mine. QUEEN OF HEARTS: Stolen! HATTER: I keep them to sell. I’ve none of my own, I’m a hatter. The Cheshire Cat enters, near Alice. QUEEN OF HEARTS: Give your evidence and don’t be nervous, or I’ll have you executed on the spot. As the Hatter looks nervous at the glaring Queen of Hearts, the Dormouse wakes and looks angrily at Alice. DORMOUSE: I wish you wouldn’t squeeze so. I can hardly breathe. ALICE: I can’t help it, I’m growing. DORMOUSE: You’ve no right to grow here. ALICE: Don’t talk nonsense; you know you’re growing too.

52  

DORMOUSE: Yes, but I grow at a reasonable pace, not in that ridiculous fashion. The Cheshire Cat moves around for the rest of the scene, but none of the characters notice. QUEEN OF HEARTS: Give your evidence, or I’ll have you executed, whether you’re nervous or not. HATTER: I’m a poor woman, Your Majesty, and I hadn’t but just begun my tea—not above a week or so—and what with the bread and butter getting so thin and the twinkling of the tea— KING OF HEARTS: The twinkling of what? HATTER: It began with the tea. QUEEN OF HEARTS: Of course twinkling begins with the letter T! Do you take us for dunces? Go on! HATTER: I’m a poor woman, and most things twinkled after that. Only the March Hare said— MARCH HARE: I didn’t! HATTER: You did! MARCH HARE: I deny it! KING OF HEARTS: She denies it; leave out that part. KNAVE OF HEARTS: I’m doomed. Surely doomed. My head will decorate a pole. The Hatter sees the Dormouse is asleep. HATTER: Well, at any rate, the Dormouse said. After that, I cut some more bread and butter. QUEEN OF HEARTS: But what did the Dormouse say? HATTER: That I can’t remember. QUEEN OF HEARTS: You must remember, or I’ll have you executed. HATTER: I’m a poor woman, your Majesty. QUEEN OF HEARTS: You’re a very poor speaker. KING OF HEARTS: Do stop interrogating the witness! That’s my job!

53  

QUEEN OF HEARTS: Off with your head! The soldiers look around in panic, not sure if they should seize the king or not. KING OF HEARTS: But I’m the king! QUEEN OF HEARTS: And I’m the queen! They glare at each other a moment, then the King of Hearts turns back to the Hatter, the moment apparently forgotten. KING OF HEARTS: If that’s all you know about it, you may stand down. HATTER: I can’t go no lower, I’m on the floor, as it is. KING OF HEARTS: Then you may sit down. HATTER: I’d rather finish my tea. KING OF HEARTS: You may go. QUEEN OF HEARTS: (to soldier) And just take her head off outside. The Hatter quickly finishes exiting the stage before the soldier can go after her. KING OF HEARTS: Call the next witness! The Cook enters, holding a pepper-box in her hand. Everyone in the court begins to sneeze. KING OF HEARTS Give your evidence. COOK: Shan’t. KNAVE OF HEARTS: Doomed! The King of Hearts looks at the White Rabbit, confused. WHITE RABBIT: Your Majesty must cross-examine this witness. KING OF HEARTS: Well, if I must, I must. (to the Cook) What are tarts made of? COOK: Pepper, mostly. QUEEN OF HEARTS: That isn’t right at all. Off with her head!

54  

COOK: This here is pepper, and this is what I put in tarts, therefore tarts are made mostly of pepper. KING OF HEARTS: That’s right. Pepper tarts are made of pepper. QUEEN OF HEARTS: Whoever heard of a pepper tarts? COOK: I have one right here. The Cook pulls out a tart and takes a bite. She shows it to the Queen of Hearts. COOK: See there? Pepper. QUEEN OF HEARTS: She stole my tarts and filled them with pepper! Off with her head! COOK: I did no such thing. I made this batch of tarts for the Duchess. KING OF HEARTS: The Duchess stole the tarts! QUEEN OF HEARTS: Off with her head! COOK: It’s about time. She did steal my tarts. I made them after all. KING OF HEARTS: (to jury) Write that down. ALICE: This is the most absurd court I’ve ever seen! WHITE RABBIT: Your Majesties, the witness needs to finish her testimony. KING OF HEARTS: Quite right! (to the Cook) What are tarts made of? COOK: As I said, pepper mostly. DORMOUSE (seemingly talking in her sleep) Twinkle. QUEEN OF HEARTS: Collar that Dormouse! Behead that Dormouse! Turn that Dormouse out of court! Suppress her! Pinch her! Off with her whiskers! Soldiers remove the Dormouse from the court and in the confusion the Cook wanders off. KNAVE OF HEARTS: Doomed! Utterly doomed! KING OF HEARTS: Where is the Cook? No one answers.

55  

KING OF HEARTS: Never mind! Call the next witness. (to the Queen of Hearts) Really, my dear, you must cross-examine the next witness. It quite makes my forehead ache! The White Rabbit looks at the list. WHITE RABBIT: Alice! ALICE: Here! QUEEN OF HEARTS: What do you know about this business? ALICE: Nothing. QUEEN OF HEARTS: Nothing whatever? ALICE: Nothing whatever. KING OF HEARTS: (to jury) That’s very important, write it down. WHITE RABBIT: Unimportant, Your Majesty means, of course. KING OF HEARTS: Unimportant, of course, I meant. Important, unimportant, unimportant, important. (shrugs) KNAVE OF HEARTS: Doomed, beyond doomed! KING OF HEARTS: (looking at Alice) Rule Forty-two. All persons more than a mile high are to leave the court. ALICE: I’m not a mile high. KING OF HEARTS: You are. QUEEN OF HEARTS: Nearly two miles high. ALICE: Well, I shan’t go, at any rate. Besides, that’s not a regular rule, you invented it just now. KING OF HEARTS: It’s the oldest rule in the book. ALICE: Then it ought to be number one. KING OF HEARTS: (to jury) Consider your verdict. WHITE RABBIT: There’s more evidence to come yet, Your Majesty. This paper has just been picked up.

56  

QUEEN OF HEARTS: What’s in it? WHITE RABBIT: I haven’t opened it yet, but it seems to be a letter, written by the prisoner to somebody. KING OF HEARTS: It must have been that, unless it was written to nobody, which isn’t usual, you know. KNAVE OF HEARTS: Doomed to the bottom of the ocean. Doomed to the top of the sky… QUEEN OF HEARTS: Who is it directed to? WHITE RABBIT: It isn’t directed at all. In fact, there’s nothing written on the outside. (opens the letter) It isn’t a letter, after all, it’s a set of verses. QUEEN OF HEARTS: Are they in the prisoner’s handwriting? WHITE RABBIT: No, they’re not, and that’s the strangest thing about it. QUEEN OF HEARTS: He must have imitated somebody else’s hand. KNAVE OF HEARTS: Please Your Majesty, I didn’t write it, and they can’t prove I did. There’s no name signed at the end. QUEEN OF HEARTS: If you didn’t sign it, that only makes the matter worse. You must have meant some mischief, or else you’d have signed your name like an honest man. KNAVE OF HEARTS: Doooooooooooooooooooooooooomed! QUEEN OF HEARTS: That proves his guilt. ALICE: It proves nothing of the sort! QUEEN OF HEARTS: Hold your tongue! ALICE: I won’t! QUEEN OF HEARTS: Off with her head! ALICE: Who cares for you? You’re nothing but a pack of cards! QUEEN OF HEARTS: Off with her head! Off with her head! The soldiers and everyone in court rises and runs after Alice. She screams and runs into the audience.

57  

QUEEN OF HEARTS: Off with her head! Off with her head! The chase continues, until the stage is cleared, the Queen of Hearts continuing to yell “Off with her head!”

SCENE 15 SISTER: Wake up, Alice. The lights slowly rise up on Alice, asleep on the ground with her Sister gently shaking her. SISTER: Wake up, Alice dear. Alice awakens. SISTER: Why, what a long sleep you’ve had. ALICE: Sister! Alice hugs her Sister, glad to be safe. ALICE: Oh, I’ve had such a curious dream! There was a white rabbit with a watch and a waistcoat, and I followed her down a hole. There were all sorts of strange creatures there, all of them mad. A mock turtle sang me a song about soup, and a cook used too much pepper. Then the Queen of Hearts shouted “Off with her head!” and I had to run from a deck of cards! SISTER: It was a curious dream, dear, certainly, but we’re late for tea. Sister helps up Alice and they start to walk off the stage. ALICE: It’s hard to imagine that it was all a dream. Alice and Sister exit. The White Rabbit enters. WHITE RABBIT: A dream, a dream, why it’s all been a dream. The White Rabbit exits. The Cheshire Cat enters. CHESHIRE CAT: A dream was it? Oh, I rather think not. The lights fade out, leaving the Cheshire Cat’s smile.

FIN