ARTICLE REVIEWFORGIVENESS: ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP “F WORD” -–

A COUPLE’S DIALOGUE

Eckstein, D. Sperber, M., & McRae, S. (2009). The Family Journal, 17, 256 – 262

Dr. Cyndi H. Matthews

WHY FORGIVENESS? We are saved by the final form of love

which is forgivenessReinhold Nieburh (Theologian)

There is no love without forgiveness and there is no forgiveness without love

Bryant McGill To err is human – to forgive divine

Alexander Pope (poet)

Often comes up in therapy Regarding self Regarding other people

WHAT FORGIVENESS IS NOT

It is NOT condoning, excusing, or forgetting what happened

It is NOT just a catharsis of anger (short term – depression and anxiety continue & can increase)

It is NOT seeking justice nor revenge against partner

It is (usually) NOT a one time event – it is a process

WHAT IS FORGIVENESS? It is a response to

unfairness of treatment, or unwarranted resentment from, or anger from an offender

And the restoration of more positive feelings, thoughts, and behaviors toward that person

And is based on mutual respect of self and other person

START WITH SELF–EXPLORATION Explore past history of concept

What are your earliest memories – spiritual, educational concepts, religious, suggestions regarding forgiveness?

Consider an experience when someone modeled forgiveness – how did it affect you?

Explore personal history with forgiveness Remember experiences when you forgave someone –

rate yourself and your success on a scale of 1 – 10 Remember successful experiences forgiving others and

when others forgave you – rate self 1-10 Focus on current relationship

Rate self forgiving partner 1-10 Rate satisfaction with partner forgiving you 1-10 Contemplate issues for which you still harbor resentment Identify issues your partner may have toward you

RELIGIOUS SIGNIFICANCE 61% individuals choose to forgive for

religious reasons Judaism: Talmud - constant theme throughout Muslim: Quran/Koran “He who forgiveth is

reconciled unto his enemy shall receive his reward from God”

Hindu: Bhagavad Gita “forgiveness … Divine virtue”

Christians: Bible “seven times seventy” Quakers: recognize God is in everyone,

reason to treat self and others with kindness

RECOMMENDATION Couple interview each other on

religious/spiritual relationship to forgiveness in past and nowBegin with family of origin beliefs – did you

accept, reject, or modify those beliefs?Focus on your beliefs regarding forgiveness

and your past and current religious beliefs. What inspires you towards forgiveness?

Are there specific rituals, ceremonies, or other ways forgiveness is sought?

What has been your experience in seeking forgiveness? Successful? Unsuccessful?

SELF-FORGIVENESS Individual’s own self-esteem is a

determining factor for being able to forgive

Forgiveness helps increase personal power

Physical Benefits: physical benefits, including removing blockages to peptides and releasing opiate receptors to frontal cortex (experience pleasure)

Meditation and personal prayer have similar effects

SELF FORGIVENESS EXERCISE Get yourself in quiet and relaxed state (alone or with

partner) – music/candles/nature/quiet place Be mindful of breathing – conscious of lower abdomen not

upper chest Say: “Compassion and peace” on breath in and “happiness

and joy” on breath out When relaxed say, “I forgive myself for …” for 5 – 10

minutes Imagine favorite color – let it fill you, say to self “I love to

forgive myself and others” When you feel complete end process by breathing

mindfully Stretch/walk/reflect; write experience down Repeat if you feel forgiveness lacking Share with partner if appropriate

FORGIVENESS IN RELATIONSHIPS Forgiveness helps people feel part of the

relationship again Helps individuals feel part of a collective

unit with interdependence Increases understanding of

consequences of social interactions in relationship

Empathy for other individual crucial in forgiveness

It is a decision to forgive

MODELS OF FORGIVENESS

REACH MODEL FOUR “D’S” OF RECONCILATION

Recall the hurt Empathize with the

perpetrator Give the Altruistic

gift of forgiveness Publicly Commit to

forgiveness Hold on to

forgiveness Worthington (2001)

Decide whether to reconcile

Discuss reconciliation

Detoxify the relationship

Develop devotion to each other

Worthington (2001)

ONE MORE MODEL/CHECKLIST (ENRIGHT, 2001)

Admit to self my partner hurt me Become aware of anger Admit to self I feel shame & humiliation Realize lost energy by being resentful Thought over and over about what happened (ruminate/perseverate) Realize I am changed by offense

Realize old ways of handling problem not working Willing to consider forgiveness as option Commit to forgive

Think of partner in positive terms Empathize – step into their shoes Develop compassion; try not to pass pain on to others Try to do something nice for person

Find positive meaning from suffering Realize I have erred and need to be forgiven Find support from others as I forgive Develop new purpose in life with forgiveness