Here are the main categories I'd throw responses into, going from the relatively worst response you can give to relatively the best (though these vary according to the situation):

1. "I'm sorry." Your standard, run-of-the-mill apology, complete with cultural baggage and required sad face / voice tone. "I'm sorry" assumes full, 100% responsibility for the blame while providing no solutions other than repentance.

2. "I didn't mean to!" Ugh, this one's almost as bad as "I'm sorry." Again, cultural baggage + full responsibility for the blame and no solution. It's somewhat better than "I'm sorry" when you strike the right vocal tonality (think, quiet and matter-of fact with a hint of repentance: "I didn't mean to").

3. "It's not my fault!" Your standard, run-of-the-mill denial of blame, once again coming equipped with cultural baggage. When people say, "It's not my fault!" we actually tend to automatically assume that, at least to some extent, it is their fault -- and that they're simply abdicating responsibility.

4. An explanation of the problem. This is getting closer to something I'd describe as a good response. Rather than a blanket, knee-jerk response to an accusation of misdeed, a carefully-worded explanation is issued instead. Something akin to, "I was trying to wash the wine glasses, but the pot on the side of the sink started slipping and I reached over to catch it and hit the glass on the countertop, smashing it. It ended up looking like this," as you show the broken glass with a "sorry about that" facial expression.

5. Careful consideration. This is my standard fare now when encountering situations where people are upset / angry / hoping for or expecting an apology. They stare, waiting for you to say something, and my typical response is something like, "Hmm. Yeah. That's not very good, is it?" You haven't explained the situation, shifted the blame, or taken it onto yourself; but what this does do is this: it allows the other person time to release her emotions without pinning them to you.

6. Dismissal. This one's pretty tricky. Minor things you want to dismiss as a non-issue, and dismissal can often be good here. For major things, dismissal can be one of the worst -- if not the worst -- responses you can give... it communicates you just don't care. Further muddying the waters, some things women might treat as major that are actually minor can be effectively handled with dismissal, but the line for which can be or can't be isn't set in stone. 

By way of an example, you might dismiss apologizing for spilling the water out of a vase of roses and just go straight to cleaning up the mess. You might still do so if the girl seems upset and tells you the sound of the vase falling startled her. But you probably don't want to be dismissive if she gets upset and notes for you to please be careful because her deceased grandmother bought her that vase.

7. Owning it + resolution. This is, personally, my usual course for almost all problem situations where I am at fault. Important to note there, since so many folks take ownership of things they didn't do just for the sake of appeasement. I'll use careful consideration first if the person is upset; then I'll switch into this. Owning it + resolution looks something like this, "Yeah, I probably should've been more careful about that. That's my mistake. Let me get this one cleaned up, and next time I'll be more conscious of where I put my elbows."

If you were paying attention to that list, you possibly noticed the "statements" -- things like "I'm sorry," "I didn't mean to," and "It's not my fault" -- are all up there as the worst things you can say.

Why's it bad to say those things? Standard statements like that feel weak because they are weak -- they're knee-jerk, automatic reactions that come with little thought, leadership, or carefulness. They feel weak because they're a form of supplication.

In other words, they're cheap and ineffective. They're low status, low class fallbacks for people who don't want to use their brains to deal with a situation -- or, more likely, can't use their brains, because their brains are flooded with emotions like fear and regret.

Ultimately, that's what the knee-jerk responses communicate about someone:that he or she is responding in fear. Fear of reprisal. Fear of not being liked. Fear of how the other person will react.

And a man fearing her, you might surmise, is not exactly the most attractive thing in the world to a woman.

In fact... it leads her to lose all manner of respect for him.

Which is why you see it in those sitcoms on TV. It's funny. And it's funny because of the role reversal: the man scooting around, pleading for the woman's forgiveness.

Real men don't do that, we know. Deep down inside us, we know that. It's why we laugh.

But lots of real guys still do it in the real world anyway, but women don't laugh. They feel put off by those guys. "Can't he just be a man for once?" they wonder. And men still don't get that it isn't attractive.

If you're doing this, it has to stop.

 

When Should You Apologize to Women?Let me list these out:

When you're in an ongoing violation of social convention (you're running late, or you're making her hold something really heavy) When you've legitimately and clearly made a mistake When you're commiserating with something unfortunate that's happened to her

And that's it.

Not because she's mad.

Not because she thinks you ought to apologize.

Not because, God forbid, you're opening her (I've actually seen quite a few guys open women with, "Sorry, but..." then launching into their openers).

Not because of any reason other than those three named above.

When you're doing the first and the third, you'll use sorry. I'll give examples for each.

You're running late

You text her: "Running about 20 minutes behind, sorry. Be there soon!"

You've clearly made a mistake

You tell her: "Hmm, yeah, I should've held the door for you, you're carrying a lot of stuff. My mistake. I'll be more conscious of that next time. Also, if you're carrying a lot of stuff or very heavy stuff and I haven't noticed it, just let me know."

She's upset because her puppy has fleas

You tell her: "I'm sorry about that. I'm sure he'll be okay. I hope you don't have fleas too now."

You can use "sorry" and "I'm sorry" when you are being the caretaker of her emotions, as in the first and third examples above. You should never use it to get yourself "off the hook" when she's mad, upset, or angry.

Otherwise, cut out the "sorry"s. Especially when she's angry at you, like so:

"This is YOUR fault!" she says. "NONE of this would've happened if not for you!"

Do not apologize. Under NO circumstances apologize there. You can own it and offer a resolution later -- if it was indeed your fault -- but only after she's calmed down. No fear, no capitulation here -- it isn't allowed.

Yielding reinforces in her mind that she's correct, you are at fault, and youdo have something to be ashamed of. It may seem like the easy out at the time, but trust me, it will forever damage your relationship. She will always know you broke. You bent. She pushed, and you deflated like an empty sack.

You must not yield.

Whether you've just met her, or you've been with her for twenty years, it doesn't matter. The dynamic is exactly the same. Breaking under pressure communicates weakness, and weakness is the antithesis of attraction. Bend here, and she respects you less, and wants you less, forever.

It's hard to stay strong in the face of a lot of pressure, I know. But in the end, when all's said and done, she ends up feeling a lot more secure in your strength, and holding much more attraction for you.

Life isn't a sitcom, after all. Laughs are fine for those guys on TV; but for you, our aim is this: fix the problem, keep her attraction.

Own it and resolve it if it's legitimately your fault. But only when she's being reasonable. Until then, be calm, be warm, and be nice -- but, whatever you do, don't bend. You'll retain her respect and attraction when you follow this advice, and, heck -- you may even see it go up.

Take that, TV.