Attitude to Platitude “How to Talk Shit in Corporate – Without Getting in Trouble” OR

Attitude to Platitude

“How to Talk Shit in Corporate – Without Getting in Trouble”

OR

platitude

Allow me to share our latest and greatest.

This shit is so decent.

attitude

© 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.

http://www.rubinicholas.com/

platitude

Help me understand the relevance here.

I don’t give a shit.

attitude



platitude

That is a wonder.

HOLY SHIT!

attitude



platitude

Moving forward, how can we ensure our success?

What other shit is going to happen?

attitude



platitude

I’m not certain that this is a good time for contrary opinions.

Don’t start any shit.

attitude



platitude

Be certain that you can deliver and meet expectations.

Don’t talk shit, if you can’t back it up.

attitude



platitude

Perhaps a fresh set of eyes would be helpful.

I’m too old for this shit.

attitude



platitude

If I had the capacity, I would certainly assist.

I’m in a shit storm right now.

attitude



platitude

Have we adequately covered takeaways and future deliverables?

Is that all the shit we need to do?

attitude



platitude

He has a number of interesting qualities.

He’s such a shit!

attitude



platitude

I’d like to get an understanding of your commitment to this project.

You don’t give a shit.

attitude



platitude

I’m not sure, but it sounds like she was thrown under the bus.

He sold her shit out.

attitude



platitude

She was able to articulate her position and the subsequent lessons learned.

She bullshitted her way out.

attitude



platitude

Be creative. Think outside the box.

Pull some shit out of your ass.

attitude



platitude

We are reviewing the value of your contributions to the organization.

You don’t do shit around here.

attitude



platitude

With mixed emotions, I am tendering my resignation.

Screw this shit. I quit.

attitude



Translations from the Big Office

“Did my boss just cuss me out?”

OR

from the mouth

What was your success rate prior to joining this organization?

Have you always been a fucking moron?

from the heart



from the mouth

I suggest that you modify your current course to ensure minimal disruption to the delivery timeline.

Fix it, fucktard.

from the heart



from the mouth

I’d like to encourage your creativity on this one.

I don’t know. Figure it the fuck out.

from the heart



from the mouth

From my perspective, I’m not sure I agree with your position.

Hey asshole, I sit in the big office, don’t tell me what the fuck to do.

from the heart



from the mouth

How do you plan on resolving your conflict with one another?

You are like little whiny fucking brats.

from the heart



from the mouth

Your communication style at times can be perceived as off putting.

Stop being such a bitch. Bitch.

from the heart



from the mouth

The impending negative results were not communicated in a timely

manner.

Why the fuck didn’t you tell me before it all fell to hell?

from the heart



from the mouth

Let’s take a minute to gather our thoughts before going down this

slippery slope.

Stop now you fucking idiot, before you say something you’ll really regret.

from the heart



from the mouth

When I interject in a meeting that we’ll need to take an issue off line, please do not continue down that

road.

If I said shut it, fucking shut it. How hard is that?

from the heart



from the mouth

Because of our current change in structure, your position is being

eliminated.

Remember how you thought I hated you? It’s true.

from the heart



from the mouth

If you persist along your current line of thinking, I am concerned that the

project will further deteriorate.

Think it through, jackass, you’re dead fucking wrong.

from the heart



from the mouth

I think the difficulty lay in a number of miscommunications around

accountability.

Nobody fucking said that, you retard.

from the heart



from the mouth

How is it that we’ve come to such a disconnect around priorities?

Do you have any clue what your fucking job is dude?

from the heart



from the mouth

Based on your current performance, it’s not likely that any bonus dollars

will be assessed in your favor for year end.

You suck. I’m not going to pay you because of it.

from the heart



from the mouth

I’d like to offer you some constructive feedback that I hope you will really

take to heart.

Listen up jackass, change or get the fuck out.

from the heart



from the mouth

You unfortunately did not stack up for the promotion.

You have to be fucking kidding. You can’t even do the job you’re in.

from the heart



from the mouth

I’m unable to authorize your request for additional office supplies, we are

already over budget for that line item.

If you stopped stealing fucking post its and pens for home, I’d gladly buy more.

from the heart


from the mouth

Why is there a continued issue with accuracy in our financial projections? I’m trying to understand the missteps

here.

Did you fucking even go to 3rd grade? Who can’t add?

from the heart



from the mouth

While we considered carefully a number of applicants, you

unfortunately did not meet our hiring needs.

Oh fuck, I missed your resume completely.

from the heart


from the mouth

I would caution against any further speculation that our division is

struggling.

Everyone knows we’re fucked. Stop fucking talking about it already.

from the heart


from the mouth

Our dress code policy was put into place for a number of reasons, not the

least of which is the expression of a professional demeanor.

If I can’t wear my Wham! shirt, you sure as shit can’t wear your Green Day one.

from the heart


from the mouth

I understand that she is a more junior employee, but as her hiring manager,

you will need to be accountable for your choices.

You wanted the chick with big tits and no brain. You fucking got her. Enjoy.

from the heart


from the mouth

In the interest of time, let’s table this conversation.

Shut the fuck up. I’m so over it already.

from the heart


from the mouth

It’s important that we put the right spin on this. We don’t want our

clients losing faith in our ability to deliver.

Fucking lie. Lie your ass off.

from the heart


from the mouth

Allowable corporate expense report items have been clearly outlined in

the financial policy.

Seriously? Who fucking expenses gum?

from the heart


from the mouth

I’d like to communicate additional detail around the changes, and will do so once plans are completely gelled.

I have a secret. I’m not telling. Na-na-na-na-na. You wish you were me-e-e-e.

from the heart


from the mouth

I am getting the sense that your level of engagement here is on the down

swing. It might be time to think about your development.

Look, I know you don’t give a fuck. Why don’t you just get the fuck out?

from the heart


Documents

Attitude to Platitude “How to Talk Shit in Corporate – Without Getting in Trouble” OR