Bataille, Georges -k Blue of Noon

7/27/2019 Bataille, Georges -k Blue of Noon

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GEORGES BATAILLE

Blue of Noon

Tanslated by Ha Mathews

PLIN

GRFTO BOOSAivson of the olns ublsng Group

; W YEY AUCKD


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PaladinGrafton BooksA Division of the Collins Pubishing Group8 Graon Street, London WI X 3LA

Pubished in Paadin Books 1988

First published in Grea Britain byMarion Boyars (Publishers) Ltd 1979

Coyrigt Georges Bataille 1957

ISBN 0-58608624-2

Printed and bound in Great Britain byColins Glasgow

Set in Times

Al rigts reserved. No part of tis publicationmay be reroduced, stored in a retrieval sy stem,or transmitted in any form, or by any meanselectronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording orotherwise, without the prior permission ofthe ublishers.

This boo is sold subject to te condition thatit sall not, by way of trade r otherwise, beent, re-sold, hired ou t or otherwise circulatedwithout the pubisher's prior consent in anyform of binding or cover other than thatin which it is pubished and without a similar

condition including this condition beingimposed on the subsequent urchaser

For Andre Masson


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Contents

INTRODUCTON 9

PART NE 21

PART w 25

he vil men 27

Motherly Feet

tonio's Story 86

he Blue f on 96

he Feast of th ead 134

pENDX: h uthrs Freword 153


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NRODUCION 1 1

d i a ca i a hhd dv the mst salid uky pacs Dity was dk.Uty s I was xt t h (my had was sti adagd m g ct by a k gass) Dity that daywas waig a smpts evig gw (I was shavenad kmpt) As sh sttched he lg legs sh wentit a vilt cnvsi Th pac was cwdd with

mn ad thei eyes we gttig mis the ye ths ppxd m cald spt cas Dity caspedh akd thighs with th hads She mad as she i a gy ctai Sh was as dk as she wasbati Stang at a gaslamp sh ld d iateyes

"What's gig ? sh shtdI th sam instant ik a ca gig i a

cd dst she jmpd Fm eys that bgd like ascacw's came a steam tas

She shted again: "Tppma


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12 THE BLUE OF OON

As sh kd t m hr s pd widr. With dirt hds sh strkd m sick hd. rhdws dmp rm vr. Sh ws cri with wid trt th w vmits. Sh ws si s hrd hrhir ws drchd with trs.

Th sc tht prcdd this ss criv atrwrds rts mst hv cm crwi vr th rrd th tw sprwd dis ws i vr wy wrth Dstvsky.

Drkss hd cmmittd s t dricti i

prsit sm rim rsps t th rmmst cmpsis.

r i wh ctd b drik, w hadmad t rtrat t rm t th Svy. Dirty hdnticd that th vtr ttdt ws vry y (ispit his hdsm irm, y miht hav tkim r a gravdir.)

Sh pitd this t t m with a distractd ah.

r spch was arady awry sh spk ik a drkwma."Y kw , rackd as sh was by hicps, sh

kpt stppi shrt wh I was a id . . . I rmmr . . .I cam hr with my mthr. r. At tn yars a.S I mst hav b twv . . . . y mthr was a addd ady, srt ik th Q Ed . . . S, as itappd cmi t th vatr, th vatr m jst saw him

"Wh him

"Ys. Th sm as tday. did't stp t

INTRODUCON1 3

level - the elevator wet up too far - she fellflat on

her fce. She came tumblingdown- my mother -

Dirty burst out laughing, like some lunatic . She

cd't stp.Strugglingto fnd m words I sid to her, "Don't

h mr. Y' vr t thrh r stry.Sh stppd ahi d shti: Oh,

m I'm tti si I' hv t . . . N , I ' ishmy str. mthr. Nt stirr with hr skirt vrhr hd tht rms skirt hrs. ik sm

dd. Nt athr stir t hr. Thy pickd hr pad b ptti hr t d. Sh startd t pk shws stwd t th rws xcpt tht scdarir y cd't t tht wma . . Sh was ika msti. Sh ws scr.

I sid t Dirt ajct: "I'd ik t dw irt y jst th w sh did . . .

"Wd y thrw p irt askd m withtv a smi. Sh kissd m isid th mth.

".

I wt it th bthrm. I ws vry p. Fr rs t I kd t ms i th mirrr r a tim; I ws hrri kmpt mst crs with sw- trs tht wr t v d th rak k a m jst t bd.

Dirt ws i th bdrm. It was a hrm ihtd by a mtid ciig amps. Shwdrd rd waki striht ahd as thhsh wd vr stp. Sh smd itr crazy.


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I. '14

T BLU O

r shdrs wr ar t th pit idcncy.

I that gh I d th gttr hr d har ara

Sh gav m a ig prity thss En nhr dachr, thr was sch cadr i hr that Ismms watd t grvl at hr t. I was araid hr I saw that sh was wr t. Sh was n th pit aig dw Sh ga gaspig r rath, patiglk a aima sh was scatig. r ma, htdk was drivig m sa. Sh stppd I thik hr

gs wr srmg ndr hr drss. Thr ws d sh was at t sart ravig.Sh rag th r th md.

After a few momets, aredhaired fresh-complexied, ad rathr prett maid came i. She seemed tgag o the smel It was a highy uusual smel for sopuet a pace: that of a lowdownbrothel. Drtyhadgivup trgto stadoherfeetuess shhada wallto lea o She seemedo bei horribe p

a. I don'tkowa what potithe day shehadsmotheredherslfcheapperfumes,utadditiotothidescriaestae she had gotte herself to, shegav off a soursmeof armpt adcrotch which, mggwith the per-fume,recaed thestechof aifrmary Shealsoreeked ofwhisk, adshewasbechig. . .

TheEgishgir wasaghast. Y ou'rejustthe persoIed Drtyanounced,

"u first ou have to get th eeatorman There'ssomthig Iwattotelhm.

RUC

Th mad anshd; rty nw staggrng, ntand sat n a char. Wth grat dfclty sh managd tst dwn bttl and a glass o th r bsd rr s r grwng ay

r ys trd t fnd m s n ngr thrSh lst hr had. I dsprt c sh clld t Trppmn!

Thr was n rplySh gt p and sr tms narly ll. Sh mad t

t th athrm dr; sh sa slmpd n a bnc

haggard ad wht. n my drnnss had jst rpd th ct n my rght hand. T bldg whc was tryig t stanch t tw was drblg rapdlonto th r rty frnt of m was starg at mwit s ik an anma's. wpd my ac ths smarg bld vr my rhad and ns. Th lctrc ightwas gttng blndingly brght t was nbaral, thsght that wr t th ys.

Thr was a knck at th dr. Th maid cam n

lwd y th latr atndnt.rty slmpd nt t car. fr what smd tm lik a vry lng tm, r ys lwrd ad nsngsh askd th latr attndant Y wr hr 192?

Th attndant aswrd ys. I wat t ask y th tal d lady . . Th n

wh ll dwn gttg t f t ltr nd mtdn th r . . Y rmmbr

rty ws rtclatng trog dad lps snthg.


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16 THE BLUE OF

In feafl embaassmet the tw sevants cast sdeng glances, qestnng and bsevng ne anthe.

"I d remembe, the attendant admtted. "It'stre.

(This man, who was in his forties, may have hadthe face of a thieving gravedigger, bt it was of sch anunctosity that it seemed to have been picked in oil.)

A glass of whisky? " Dity asked.N ne answeed. The tw chaactes std thee

n defeental, panfl expectancy.

Dity asked to be given he pse. He gesteswee so slggish it took a long minte for he hand toreach the bottom of the pse; as soon as she found thestack of banknotes, she tossed it on the oor, sayingmerely, Goshaes . "

he gavedgge had fnd smethng t d. Hepcked p the precs stack and began cntng t thepnds ald. hee wee twenty n all. He handed ten

t the mad."We may leave? he asked afte whle."Oh, n, nt yet. Please, st dwn.She seemed t be sffcatng; bld was shng t

he face. Shwng geat defeence, the tw sevants hadremaned standng; bt they t became red and anxs, patly becase f the staggeng sze of the tp,patly becase of the mplasble, ncmpehensblestatn.

Dty remaned mtely perched n the cha. heewas a lng slence: y cld have heard heats n

INRDUCN17

sde ther bdes. I walked ver t the dr, pale andsck, my face smeaed wth bld; I was hccppg andn the pnt f vmtng. In ter the sevants saw that

water was trcklng acrss the char and dwn the legs fthe beatfl gest. Whle the urne was gatheng nta pddle that spead ve the capet, a nse f slackenng bwels made itself pnderusly evdent beneath theyng wman's dess beeted, her eyes twsted p-wards, she was sqmng n he char lke a pg ndethe knfe.

he tremblng, naseated ad had t wash Dty,wh seemed calm and cntent nce agan She let heselfbe wped and saped. The elevtr man ared the rmntl the smell had cmpletely dsappeaed.

He then bandaged my ct t stp the bleedng.Thngs were ll back n the pper place. he

mad was pttng way the last atcles f clthng.Washed, perfmed, me beatfl than ever, Dty wasstetched t n the bed, stll dkng She made the attendant st dwn. He sat next t he n an amchar. Atths pnt, dnkenness gave her the frsaken candr fa chld, f a lttle gl.

Even when she remaned slent, she seemed frsaken.

Occasnally she wld lagh t heself."Tell me, she t last sad t the elevatr attend

nt, durng all the years y'e been at the Savy yumust have had lts f replsv experences.

"Oh, nt all that many he repled, lthgh nt


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)8THE BLUE OF OON

bfor fnshnhs whis, whchsmd tov hm aboost andrstor hscomposur. Th uestshrar

wlbhavd, as a rl "Oh, wlbhaved that'sawhol wa of lf isn't

t? Justl mdpartdmothr whnshe too a'tum

blin frontofouandpudallovr our slevs . . .

And Drt burst ntodssonantlaughtr, twhic,

nthat mptnss, ther wasno rspons.She wnt n: "And doou knowwhyte'reall

wllbhavd? h'r scard, do o undrstand?hr teetarechattrng - that's whth nvr darelt anthn sw. I can snse that bcase I'm scaredmself- es,m oodman, I am.Can'toutll?Evnof ou. Scard todath_"

"Wouldn't Madam k a lass f water? t

mad asd farfull."Sht ! Dirt crtl answred, stcin ot hr

tone ater, "I appntobsck, don'tfort that. Ialso happen toav a fwbrans nmyhead Thn:

"Yo don't give a fck,bt thns le tat makmwant to vomit, doyou hear?" Wthamld str Imanad tontrrpthr.

AsI mad hr ta anothr swallow of Scotc, I

sadtotheattendant, "Admt that ft was pt,yu'd stranglher.

"You'rerit, ' :Dirtyypd,"lookat thoshu

paws, those ollas paws of h'r hary asbals . "

"Bt, Madam, th attndant protstd "oknowI 'mhre t obl o '

INTRODUCON19

"Wat an ida ! No, o idiot,I don't nd or

bals . I'm ln sick tom stomach

As shechortled, shblched.

The maid dashd ot andcamback witha basin

Se semed all servilit, and tterl dcent. Isat tere

ale and listlss I ket drinking mor and more

"And as fr u - yu t nic girl, Dirt

bean, this time addrssing the maid, mastrbate,

and olook at th taots in showndwsr whn

ou'll set u hoskeing If I had afannlke ours

I' d lt everbodseit . Othrwse, nedayyu'Ia

en t findthe hol wile 're scratcng and de f

shame." Aalled I abrptly tldt aid , "Srnkl

sm,

, . 1h t?"watronher face - can't o see se s gttnga

Te maid immdiatl started stling abut. Seput a wet towl n Dirt's foreead.

Drt draged hrself vr t the windw. Beneat

her she saw te Thames and, in te backgrund, smeof te most ides bildings in Lndn, nw maniied in t darkness Sh quickl vomited in t penair. In er rlief se called fr me, and, as I eld er

frad I stard at tat ful swr f a ladscap: trivr and

't wareouses In th vicinity of te tel te

ligts f luxr apartments lmed insolently

Gazing out at London, I amost wept, I was s traught with anxiety As I brated in th l air, c!dhod mmries - f little girls, for nstanc, Wtwm I sed to play at tlephne and dial - merged


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BU

wih he visin the elevat attendant' s apelike paws.Wha was happening meve seemed t me ivialand smehw ldics. I mysel was empy. I wasscacely even capable invening new hs ill heempiness. I elt pweless and degaded. I was in hiscmpiat ad indieen ame mid hat Iwed Diy side. Dit kept me ging nevetheess I cld n cnceive any hman ceae being me deeict and adi.

This anxiey hat neve a mmen le he bdyslacken pvided the ny explanain a wndelabiity: we managed wih n espect cnveninalpigenhes eimiae evey pssible ge in hem a the Savy as well as n the dive wheeve wehad t.

PaOne


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PR ON 3

I'm in t die in disaceul cicumstances.Tda am veed at ein an ect hr

and epu nance t the ne ein whm am und t.M desire Whatever wst thin s can happen t a

man wh will sc at them

The lank head in which I am has ecme sihtened and eed that nl m death culd satisit

Seveal das a (nt in an nihtmae ut inact I came t a cit that l ked like the settin ataed One evenin - I mentin this nl t lau hme cheelessl - I was nt alne as I dunkenlwatched tw ld pedests twirlin as the danced (ntin an dream ut in act n the middle the niht the

Cmmdatenteed m m. That a ternn as I

was passin his ave pide had incited me t etend


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T F

hi an inic invitatin. His une pected aival appalled e.acin hi stated t tele acin hi

ecae deelict et t e la the secnd victi. he utte

epu nance n he lps ade the esele the lips acetain dead an the diled sethine deadul than ld Since that da have eended t a slitude that eect and n ln e have theheat t endue H eve t ene the invitatin ne

shut is all need and culd tust lind anethis tie it uldn 't e e h eited ut the ldan 's cpse.

Bn diseputa le pain the inslence that pesists in spite evethin stated in a ain sllat ist then in a sudden ust that has linded andtansiued e ith a happiness that deies al easn

At this ent a inticated ith happiness Dun k ith it

'll sin and shut it th at the tp 0 lun s n iditic heat idic is sin in its head HA VE PRE VA ED!

PaTwo


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1 Te EvzlOme

Dig th p:d i my li wh I wasmst happy I sd t t ass had tsiy ad witht a tac sxal attacti awma whm I ly d appalig bcas hidicls appaac: as thgh my lt id iths cicmsacs a bid il m t kp m cmpay Wh i ay I cam back m Ld I was

i a stat vxcitmt hlplss almst ill bt thisstag gil did't tic a thig I J I lt Pais tmt Dity i Pm th ut xaspati Ditylt m O my t I was icapabl kpig p apstab atitd at ay lgh. I spt as mch timas I cd wh th bid ill m wv Ismims sccmd t its ayac i h cmpay

This distbd h O day sh askd what was th

mat wih m (Sh d m shtly atwads tha shhad lt I migh g isa at ay mmt)


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8

THEBWEOFNO

wasirriaed. Ianswered, Absoluelynohing.Shewasinsisen: I canundersandiifyoudon'feel liealing. 'm sureiwoudbebes ifI lef younow You'renocalmenoughogiveheprojeccarefulhough.Buwanyouonowhai 'supseing forme.Whaareyouplanningodo?

Iooederintheeye,wihnoresolvewhasoever mus have seemed a a loss, as if anxious o escapesome obsession that would not beput off Shelooedaway.saidor "su

pposeyouhinI 'veeendrin-ing?No,why?sasoethingyoudo?"Frequently."I didn't know tha.

She

hough ofmeas soeone serious_ whollyseous,nfac and, forher,drunennesswasahinghacouldno ereconciledwihoherobligaons .'sonly . Youloowornou."Le 'salk sommoreabou heproj

ec. You'reoviouslyoored.You'resinghereashoughyouwereabouoeeloer. Tha'sapossibiliy. Wha'swrong?"I'mabouogoinsane.WhyI hu. "Wha canIo?"Nothing. "Youcan'ellmewha 'swrong?

VI 9

don' n so abe you wfe o come ac he doesn' ao say n Bghon

,o As a mae of fac se's wen me s es

fo e no o come , ?Does se now he sa ou e n.

h also nows ee's nong she could do ocange .

he woman sa ee puzzed. he mus a eennng ha nsuffeabe and spneess as was

was

he duy o ep me ou of my edcamen he fnalymade up e mnd an sd o e cuy c'

,eae

you e hs 'm ang you ome o o a fend s l wha you .

. dd no epy hngs a pn saed gngac nsde my head I'd ad enoug

e oo me ome ddn' ue anohe wod

2

usuay saw e aandgl behnd e Bouse used o mae e a w m I was ad fo us

ge

n o n f a spen ou me agunghe ws a g of wenye ugy and ?cuousy

hy. he women peousy wen ou h had, onhe conay een ey an wedessed. azaee sunamsue e macae appaanc ean he gen name he was sange; ndeed, some-wa dcuous was ad epanng nees


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0 T BLU

took in he It necessaily implied soe id of mentaldeangement At east, that's how it appeaed to thefiends I used to eet at the Bouse.

At the tie, she was the one human being who couldescue e fo deection When she came into the ba,he

h fef f luc and wealth, a pointless ianation odisaste but I wou up up and guide he to y table.He clotes wee black, badly cut, and potted. Sheeee n

?t to ee what was i

ft of he e fequenty

e aes as she walked b He ai (shot,ff, uket hatless) stuck out ike cow wig oethe sde of he face Between these wings, he nosethat of a siy, sallow-leshed Jewes eed eeath tee spetacles.

e isped uneasiness She spoke slowly, with aeentyof o which al things wee alien Disease,xhausto, ovety, and eath did not atte to he.at he assuedin othes was an uttely tanquil indffeec S cast a spell as muc by he lucidity as bye Voay owes of thought. I used to ive he theo

hh she ataced geat impotance. In it she defenedCouist picipes that wee a fa cy fo te official Counis f oscow. ost of the tie I thoughttht se was geunely ad and that it was il-tepeedschevousnes on y pat to keep playing he game Ied t e he, uppose, because he enzy was as u

balanced a steile as y ow pivate ife and at the 'sae te, no ess anxious What ost fascinated e

3 1THEVILOMEN

was te unhealty eagerness t

a prompteder oive

herlifeandboodforthecausofeowntrodde twou, reflected, be te i b

ood f a uwashed

virin.

Lazaetoomeome.Secaee.ake

eroetereada tter romwewc I u

waitinore.Teeterwaae o.

Mwieaiseouyer.e

erefrosie;yetevraaae

abeefau.Ttrr. r

; a

oucoreIwet oearyy-

e. I ot op.We I u I k w

aayaelessstreaof tear. Hl ou ae ker

e, I ai

Lare, Tis iatec. ?

Teresbadwrooure.

No.DonpaayateI r-

ef,buotforanparticuarreaso.

Nting'swro?"My aouarea

ea.

Watoyouea, aream?

maes o ifferece. You carea ou

ie.Itjusttaouwotuerstad.

IaneerapaeroEteer.(ae

atLazarewouuersan it, butbe

asoshe)

aidosef: mabeobsesewiowior-


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r


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3THEBLUEOFNO

Itoldthisvirgnthestoryof myentire lfe Mytell-ngittoail keher(shewascondemnedbyuglness toasternstOcsmandcouldonlyendurelifeludicrously)was so mpudentthat tmademe ashamed.Neverbeforehadtoldanyonewhathadhappenedto me Each sentence was as humiliating as an act ofcowardice.

4

wastoallappearancesaunhappymanspeakingconttely:butthatwasafraud.Confrontedwithagirlas ugly as aare I remaed cicall isanfu aheat. explained to her 'l tel you why everythngturnedotso

adly.twasbecauseofsomethngyou'resure to fnd ncomprhesle I have neer had anywoman morebeautifulorexcitig than Dirty. She t-erally drove me wld. But in

ed wth her was mt " poent .. .

aarehadn'tunderstoodonewordowhatwastellngher Shewasstartingtogetimpatien.Shenter-ruptedme Butishelovedyou washatsoterrble?burstoutaughngLazareonceaganseemedem-barrassed.Youmustadmit "sadtoherthatitwouldbehardtoconcocamoreinstructvetale: twobewilderedrogatesconemnedtonauseatngoneanother

Still,twouldebete if startedtalking seriously do't

rTHEEVIL OMEN 35

want to overwhelm you with deals But understandingone ater souldn't be that dicult Se wasas used

to excess as 1 was. Tere was no way 1 ould satsy her

wt epty gestues "

(I was on te point o lowering my VOce 1 felt lke

an it but 1 eeded to talk. Given my aguish, and no

atte how oolsh t may have been, t was bette oLazare to stay wit e. Se had stayed wt me: 1 felt

less lt)

1 explained what 1 meant. " It's not hard tofathom.

I'd get myself into a lather. Tim would be waste? mak-ing useless exertions. 'd end up n a state o phYSal ex-

hauston, but the psyhologial exhaustion was wose.

As muh fo he as fo me. e loved me but tow

a

the end se used to look at me stupidly Wth an evave

even btte smile. e was aoused by me she aoused

me, but all we managed to do was nauseate one anohe.Eveythng became impossible 1 felt

don fo. At tmes

lke that all 1 ould thnk about was Jumpng n ont f

a tain " 1 paused then went on It always let th taste 0 copses

What do you mean?" Especially in London. When 1 went to P

um, e

agreed that notng ike that should happen agan. It ddno good You an't imagine hat levels of unnatual-ness one can reach. used to ask myself why 1 was Im-

potent with he and not with he othes. When 1 feltcontept for a woman, a prosttute or Instane every-

tig went ne But Dty made me wat to govel ather eet. 1 respected her too muc, ad 1 respected her

1


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36THE BLUEOF

recisey because she was irredeemaby debauched Youmus find al his unfathomabe

Lazare sad inrruing me "Is rue I don un-dersand In our view debauchery degraded he rosi-ues who earn heir iving by i don see how hawoman coud be uied by i

The hin of conem with which Laae had ro-nounced "ha woman e me feeing hoeessly en-angled in nonsensicaliy I ooked a he oor girshands a her gimy nils and he mos cadaverous hue

of he skin It eeingly occurred o me ha she haddoubess ef a cerain lace wihou washing norobem fo! oher eole bu o me azare was hysi-caly revong ooked he taigh in he ace I was insuch a sae of anxiey ha I fel as hough someonewere huni

ng me down e ha I was abou o go

somewha nsane I was a once funny and ominous ashough here were a crow a gabageeaing bird of il-omen on my wris

I hough a as she can desise me wih good rea-on I ooked a my hands: hey were sunanned andclean y ghcolored summer clohes were spickand-sn Dy s hands most of he ime were dazzing, withnals he coor of wet blood Why e mysef b roubledby hS creature, by his faiure brimming wh conempfor another womans good luck? Obviously I was a coward and a uny; bu I was oo far gone o eel anyqualms about admttng

1\

37THE VIL OMEN

5

Wen ae a lon wait, s i dazed, answed

her, all antewasoescap rom unbeaable oneli-nesswth te elp o his rather shadowy resence

In

site oerghastlyappeaance,Lareinmyeyes barely

had he substance of a shadow. . tol e, ity is te one peson n the wo

ld

oas eve comelledmy amiation (In a sense

was lying semynot ave beenh

onlyone

inadeeesensei was tue.)added, was tlled byherbeing so ic- hen se couldspit inote

peole's

aces.One tin 'm sue o: shewould havedessed

you.Se's not lkeme -" . ent wit exaustion, I ed to smle aze,

contayto myexpectaions, enduredmysen

ou lowein e eyes.Sehad becomneren

went on, "d just as soon ge all ou, a th

point. youlike, 'ltllyouhewholesoryA a cr-tainmoment in PumIelt tatmust bempo

en wt

Ditybecause was anecopliac

Wat are you alking abou?"

Notingextaodinay.

"don't undesand

"You no te meaning of necopiliac?

y ae youmakin uno me?

was gettin impatient'm not main fun o you.at's tat supose to mean

Noingmuch.


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4 BU

wether or no woud hange my mind one kicked

over the chair But unied he rope an go down romthe chair e on the arpe in a heap ried unti hadn a ear e inay go up remember my headeeing heavy was absurdy oo; at the same time, fe was going razy go o my eet with the exuseha woud squarey onron my fae went bak tohe window he bak streamer was sti here, but rainwas pouring down was dark, with ashes o ighningand a oud noise of hnder

Lazare had os ineres in a o this he asked,What was his bak streamer o yours doing here?

waned o embarass her perhaps aking aboumysef so obsessvey had made me ashame said oher with a augh, You know about the back abeothon he supper abe when Don Giovanni omes in?

Wha has ha go o do with your streamer?Nohing, exep ha he abecoth was bak

he sreamer hd been raised in honor o Dousssdeah

You were n Vienna when he assassination tookace?

No, n rum But arived in iena he nextday

Being there must have upse youNo his ooish, ugy gir hoiie me by the

onsisency of her reoccupations n any case, even ihered been a war, it wou hae miroe what was go

ing on in my head

THE VIL OMEN43

ut how cou wa mio ting inside your

? A a wou hae e o ppy? not?"So you thik coul to ouion?

"I' tking about a, not bout wha i ould

toNothingouldhaveshoc rmoecruely than

hat h just sai

r


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Capr 2 Mh Feet

I began seeng ess f Lazare.My fe was foowng n ncreasngy rookedah. I used o go o varous aces for drnks wakround messy and nay ke a ax home. I washen n he dehs of he ax ha I woud hnk ofDry and burs ou sobbng. I no onger even fe anyan or e eas nxey nsde my head I was awareof nohng bu absoue sudy. I was ke a sae ofereu chdshness. I was shocked by he madnessenaced by my wd sae of mnd whenever I hadwaned o em fae and I recaed he rony andourage I had show and of a ha he one hng ewas he feeng ha I was some knd of do exremeyouchng erhas bu n any case udcrous.

I s used o hnk abou Lazare. I gave me sarevery me Exhauson gave her a sgncance ke haof he back sremer ha had frghened me n enna.

s a resu of he fe nasy words we had exchaned

rr MOHRY 4

abou he war I saw n hese snser orens no ony

hrea o my fe b a mre genera hrea hngng overhe word... No dob here was nohng rea hacoud usfy a onnecon beween Lazare nd ossbe war. he nssed on he conrary ha she oahedanyhng nvovng deah neverheess everyhngabou her her erky seewakers ga her one ofvoce her aby o sread a knd of sence around herher unger for sacrce heed gve he mresson of conrac she mgh have drawn u wh deah. I reazed

ha a fe ke hers coud ony mke sense n word ndamong men who were doomed o msery. One day hecouds n my head ared and I mmedaey decded ord mysef of he reoccuons I sred w er

hs unforeseen houseceanng had e same ud-crous sde o as everyhng ese n my fe ...

Insred by hs decson and overcome w hy I e my ace on foo. er a ong wk I endedu he Cafe de ore mong he sdewak bes. I sadown wh eoe I ardy knew I had he feeng I wsnrudng bu I ddn eave. he ohers were dscussngwh he grees serousness a he recen evens ha ws e o know bou. o me hey seemed omanfes n addon o emyheadedness mos recarous reay. or an hour I sened o hem whousayng more han a word or wo. er ha I wen o resuran on Bouevrd d Monarnasse o he rghof he saon. here on he sdewak I e he bes

hngs I coud order and began drnkng red wne


23/80

4 THE BLUEOF NOO

mc too mc of it. By te end of te meal it was very

late, bt a cople arrved - a moter and son. Temoter wasn't old; se was stll attractve and slender,

wt a most wnnng noncalance abot er. Tat wasof no nterest, except tat snce was tnkng abotLazare, se seemed all te more agreeable to ook at forbeng rc. Facng er was er very yong, more or lessntalkatve son, dressed n a smptos gray annel st ordered coffee and started smokng. was startled byte sond of a wild cry of pain, as prolonged as any

dea ratle. A cat ha jus leaped a anoter cat'stroat, at te foot of te srbs borderng te terrace -more precisely, under te table of te two dners waswatcng Te yong moter stood p, ttered a sarpsrek, and trned pale. Se qicky realzed at it wasa matter of cats, not man bengs, and began lagng.(Se wasn't ldicros, smply naffected) Te atresses and te owner came o ono te sidewalk Teylagngly told us tat ts was a cat known for s exceptonal aggressveness. Even laged along wt

tem.

ten left the restarant, convnced of beng n agood mood; bt as walked down an empty street, started sobbing. I coldn't stop sobbng. kept walkngfor sc a long time tat by te end was far away, onte street where I lve. was still cryng at tat pont. nfront f me, hree girls and two boys were nosily lagng ter heads ff. Te grls weren't pretty, bt tey

were wtot any dobt frvolos and arosed left off

MOHERLYFEET 47

cryng and slowly followed them as far as my door. Ther

clamor ad arosed me o sc an extent tat, insteadof gong in, deliberately retraced my steps. hailed atax and ad myself driven he Bal Tabarn A hevery moment went in, there was a swarm of virtallynde omen on e dance oor. Several of tem wereprety and nspoiled. had asked for a table by hedance oor ('d refsed any oter), bt the place wasfll, and te cair 'd been gven eeered on te edge ofa rased section of te oor. had e sensation tha a

any moment migh lose my balance and g sprawigamong te nude dancing grls. I was red in e face; iwas very ot; ad to keep moppng te sweat from myead wt an already sodden andkercef; ad dffclty rasng my drnk from te table to my mot. nts rdclos sitation, my exstence, perced on a precarosly balanced char, became te incarnaton ofmisfortne; wereas the dancers on te ligtoodeddance oor were emblems of nattanable appness.

One of e dancers was slenderer and more beauifutan te oters. Se appeared wt a smle lke a goddess's, in an evenng gown tat cloted er n majesty.By e end of e dance se was qte naked, bt eventen se ad an almost ncredble elegance and refinement. Te volet glow of te spotlgts transformed erlte, smmerng body into a marvel of gostly pallor. gazed a her naked beind like an ecstatc lttle boy, astog ad never n my life seen anyting so pre, so

scarcel real n ts lovelness Wen te game of ndong


24/80

48 B

her dress ook place a second ime, i le me so breah-

less and empy I had o hold on o my sea I le I wan-dered arond, rom cae o sree, rom he srees ino anighime bs Wiho meaning o, I go o he bsand wen ino he Spynx I lsed aer each and everyone o he girls who were endered o all comers in haplace I never occrred o me o go psair I wassill bewildered by an nreal brighness I hen wen oe Dome I was growing more slggish all he ime Iae a grilled sasage washed down wih swee cham-

agne I was rereshng, and very bad indeed A haae hor, here were only a ew people le in ha de-grading place: he men were vlgar, he women old andgly I wen on o a bar where a woman who was com-mon and barely prey was siing on a sool complainingo he barman in whispers I hailed a axi This ime Iasked o be aken hme I was aer or in he morn-ng, b insead o going o bed and sleeping I saredyping a repor, eaving all he doors open

My moherinlaw, wo had moved in wih me o

be oliging she looked aer he place while my wiewas away), woke p Se called o o me rom her bd,

shoing rom one end o he aparmen o he oherhrogh her s door: Henri Edi called arondeleven rom rigon She was very disappoined no ond yo in

Since e day beore ere ad, in ac, been a leerrom Edih in my pocke, saying se wold call me hanig aer en No one b a coward cold have orgo-

en i And I ad acay been sanding on my own door \\

MHR Y 9

sep when I wen o again I cold imagine nohing

more hael M wie, whom I had shamlly abandoned, had been worried enogh o call me up romEngland; meanwhle, orgeing abo her, I had beendragging my spor and my roenness rom one vilepace o e nex I sared crying again hard I coldMy sobing had no poin o i a all

Te empiness was endring An idio who soakimse in alcohol and weeps ha was wha I was -dicrosy becming To escape he eeling ha I was a

orgoen ocas, he one re was o swallow drinkaer drink I kep hoping o ge e beer o my healhperaps even o a lie a ad no siicaion I had anoion ha drnk wold kill me, b sch ideas werevage: migh go on drining and s die; or I mighsop driking For e ime being, nohing made anydierence

2

Oside Cez Francois, I emerged rom a axi raherdnk io saying a word, I wen and sa down a aale aog riends wom I'd come o oin I was herig sor o company or me he sor a wold seerme away rom my seosession wasn' e only onewo'd been drinking We wen or diner o a cab drv-ers' resara Tere were only ree women presenTe ae was soon srewn wi boles o red wineempy or parly empy

The woman nex o me was caed Xenie Toward


25/80

5 HE BUE

t f t mal, s tl m that sh was just back

fm t uty a tat t us wh shdspt last t s a s a cam pt th bathm fll f sm wts l a th midst of t a y. H us f spak abu ths wash uls at l f mlk f dst I waat a a fa . as at l sausaga k all th I p nt lass. hsall t ts f sas lk a fam gl ths wasaftat was ust a l t t much my at

ls s. I ft f h plat t a avatadmaa t a c tat s as ayn aud.I p t a am ass a st wch a cunty pst ts a at t a ptfk fm a fma I was m a m k a t ma ft fy t m pt am asscatt X's a X as pal a nk t ly tfts f a lk fys ls Nt t th bas a splts f t pap tallt ht lat ls w mmaculat. Th

l tal as spak suts. cnca a fk my t a a slly m t Xs th.

At tt pt I a t lat c of a uka s as ptly at.

I s t , a l at I sly a la. I a st tk

(as t t w ayt mtly m abt t)A a fa " I as stat t fl lk t

p

MH Y 5 1

h smd dssd but pl apasgy and

wthut l hum "I ha t dsappt yu, but tstu. I hat ha much t k yt. I wudt wato to yu just t mak yu f gd.

"In that cas ad I.huh h d I dug th tns f th fk had

nto h hgh. h t out a scam an n h agtatdattmts to gt away fm m, kckd o tw lassof d w. h ushd back h cha. I to th wound h was oblgd to u u h d.

ndthig w tty I fund th nakdnss of hhghs attactiv. O of th ns, sha tha thoth had cd th skn. Blod was wng, but tas a ting wound. I ddnt at a cond sh hadno tim t o vnt my ssng two s t h thh andswaowng th fw ds of bd I ad jut daw.mwhat takn aback th th kd on wth m

baasd augh. hy aw tha X a though hwas wa cyng mdatly. h was unk tha shhad magnd h kt cyng but h was ang omy am. I fd h knockdov glass wth d wand mad h dk

O of us aid and th amut was thn ddu, but I nsstd n ay f X as thuh watg t stak out a clam n h. h was talk f to d Payns. Eyn cwd t tw cas. hhat n th tt ac was stn. I dancd wthX, th wth wmn I n ha s bf. I wul

stp ut f a bath f fsh a a psua tm,


26/80

5 HE UE

oe aer te oter (eve Xee, oce), to jo me for a

Scotc at te coter of a egoroo cafe From tmeto tme I wet ack to te gtc; I fay stayept otse te door, wt my ack to te wa I wasrk I kept starg at te passersy For some reasooe of my fres a take off s et a was og

t s a I aske m for t I foe t oe aamse mysef y sakg t at wome as tog I wereaot to strke them It was ark I o oger saw ay-tg, o oger uerstoo If te wome wo wet by

were wt me, tey pretee ot to otce aytge two grs came aog, a oe of tem, cofrotewt te treat of te rase et, tre o me Se -ste me a spat her cotempt my face Se wasreay pretty oe, wt strog patrca featresSe tre er ack o me sgst a crosse tetreso of Fre Paye's I fowe er amog terkers tat a crowe aro te ar

Hog ot te et, I sa to er, "y are yoagry wt me It was for ags Have a rk wt me

Se was agg ow, ookg stragt at me"A rgt, se mrmreAs tog ot wsg to e at a oss wt ts rk

yog ma wo was stpy og ot a et, se a-de, "Here

I oe a se a a e woma mae of paewax e ower part of te o was wrappe paperShe was carefy mpartg a movemet to te torso soste tat t was mposse to coceve of aytg

more oscee Se was srey Germa very eace, \

MHY 5

wth a hagty, provocatve maer I ace wth er

a sa atever foosess came to my ea Foro reaso, se stoppe te me of te ace, strcka seros attte, a ega starg at me Se was fof mpece

"Look, se sa, a rase er ress ger taer stockgs te eg, te stockg, te emroeregarters, te ergarmets everytg was smptos Se pote at te are es Se wet o acgwt me I saw tat se was st og tat awf wax

o er a It was te sort of ovety so o teway to vaeve shows, were te arker roes asccesso of catc prases, ke "Sesatoa fee e wax was soft; t a te sppeess a cooess ofes After eavg me, se aga e t aoft; awe se ace a soo rma frot of te Negropast, se mae t ate provocatvey, jst te wayse was acg e Negro kept tme wt her at tepao, agg s ea off Se was a goo acerPeope aro er starte cappg tme e se took

te o ot of ts paper coe, tosse oto te pao,a rst ot agg e tg fe o te wooepao wt te fat so of a oy oppg e egsa fact oppe otwar; te feet a ee ct offe sprea egs a te trcate tte caves mae yowce, t tey were fascatg too I fo a kfe oa tae a ct off a sce of pk ca y term compao grae t a pt t my mot t ha a or-re, tter taste of caewax I spat t ot o te oor

sgst I was't ttery rk I was aware of wat


27/80


28/80

S6 TH BLUE OFN

more dlecable? I sued he sardonc, quetly delighed

atttude of hose presen. A cruel and agreeable jokehad just been played on some cm as ye unknown.Soon aerward, he pnk objec, which was both ds-urbng and appealng, grew consderably larger: t ookon he appearance of a gganc corpse cared in marble,wih ens of pn or of yello ocher. The head of thecorpse was a huge mare's skull; s body was either afsh bone or an enormous j awone ha had los half seeh and been ben sragh. The legs prolonged hs

spne he way a man's do . They had no feet hey werehe long, gnarled sumps of a horse's legs. The sum ofhese parts was hlarous and monstrous and had helieness f a Gree marble saue. The skull was oppedby a solder's helme, whch was se on is peak like asraw bonne on a horse's had. Personally, I could nolonger ell wheher I was supposed o feel anxious orsar laughng. I became clear ha f I dd sar laugh-ng, hs corpse of sors would be nohng bu a sarcascjes; whereas f I sared remblng, would rush a me

and ear me o ieces. I los rack of eeryhng. Therecumben corpse urned no a Mnera n gown andarmor, erec an aggresse beneath her helme. ThsMiera as also made of marble, bu she was runnnground lke a crazy woman. In her iolen way she asperpeuang he jes ha had delhted me and neer-heless le me aghas. There was remendous hlarity nhe back of he room , excep ha no one as laughng.The Mnera sared whrlng a marble scmar n he

ar. Eeryhng abou her was corpselike. The Moorish

MOTHERLY FEET57

shape of her ao referred o he place here hngsere happenng a scmary" of whe marble, of lmarble. She as gganc. There as no way of nongf I as supposed o ae her serously. She became eenmore equoca. or he me beng, here as no ues-o of her comng own from he room n hch sheas runng around o he alley here I had fearfullyaken refuge. I had ow grown smal When she saw me,she realzed ha I as afrad. M fear atraced her. Hergesures became ucrously wld. Suddenly she came

don and sared rushng a me , wrlng her lugubrouseapon wih eer lder energy. Thngs were comng oa head. I was paralyzed wth horror.

I quickly graspe ha, n his dream, Diry (noboh nsane and dead) had assumed the garb and lke-ness of he Commendatore. In hs unrecognizable guse,she was rushng at me n order o annihilate me.

4

Before llness compleely go he better of me, mylife was a sickly hallucnation from star o fnsh. I wasconscious, bu, as n a bad dream, eeryhing passed be-fore my eyes oo uckly Aer he evening spen a FredPayne's , I wen ou n he afternoon n the hope of nd-ng some frend or oher who might help me back onormal life. I occurred o me ha I coul go and seeLazare a her place.

I was feeling awful. Bu he meeting was no wha I


29/80

B


30/80

E BLE O

diiculty lies t i the etemely skilul ad i my

view pesuasive agumets that she has utilized witha view t evealig the dead ed it which histy isbeig led by the evets that ae uldig bee ueyes

hee was a ecessive elegace i the iectis the slight silvey vice I did't eve liste: I aleadykew what he was gig t say I was vewhelmed byhis bead by the dity lk his ski by his tipeced is that wee euciatig s well while his lagehad se up t udesce his seteces I gatheedthat he had acquiesced i azae's view ad admittedthe cllape scialist epectatis I thught: they'ei a petty pickle these tw chums with thei clapsedscialist epectatis 'm eally sick

Monsieur Melou went right on, articuating in pro-

fessorial tones the agonizing dilemma" that confronted

the intelectual world in this deplorabe age. (According

to him, it was amisfortune for anyone gifted with intel-

ligence to be alive just now.) Straining his brow into

folds, he declared, Shoud we wra outselves in si-lence? Shold we, on the contrary, betow our help on

the workers a they make their lat stan, thereby doom-

ing oureves to an inescaable and fruitle death?

F a ew mmets he emaied ilet staig atthe ti his aied had

uise he ccluded lea twad the heicsluti Mieu I d't w what yu pesaly

thi the psiilitie w e t the mvemet \

MEY EE 61

e emapao of e o lass o allo e

se s polem rnay a ese os elooe a e a o sle sopp a lele a alo o seps a o e a ee e o esuls a auu as s e ol ao pu e lasped s as a ued eoee e sol a au As ee fae e es of a aa pole ealess ofe aual es e alas ae e o maee eale AB pese ase le s

posulae f oull allo me a ee e olasses ae elual oome o pes I lsee o ose os e o asses oome

o pes as fa oo sae e e uof e up a slam e oo o e a ou aseod me as loo a Lazae; as a supoLazae as s aoe a a aue aoe ese a ale ea e foa a elo o ee e as sael less squal ae sepfae a ee oe sal e o ueas se eupe o ou a ou ea soome o polal eo

e ue eeze uffae ole a aefulloede ousl o pos e all pesbodly

ould elp say y sould Ige a amPeaps Moseu I fale o epess mself A po Lazaes ffee oe as e

ou mus euse m f e does addess ou as om

ae ou see s a a sepfae pe up

62 BU O ME Y EE


31/80

62 BU O

fm hs lleaues phlsphal dsusss

Mseu Melu was upetubed e wet ht I felt le ha a pss M ees wee alead fd-

ethee's de that we fd ousees o-

fted wth a mute, dsembde pblem whose esubstance seems to elude us . . . " He lked disconso-

late e was aed b sme dfult l e udpeee s hads tated a estue But s se-uees at esape a md as aust ad estess s

u wI tued twd Lazae ad sad, ou'l hae oeuse me, ut would u shw me t the tet

o mome se esaed ot udes eose ad ed me o the do I ad a o ss ftewhh I tou hat I mht e ale to om I eausted msef useless ees, ust wo es dw m that, ma deadfu so s uhed I obtaed sme elef, hwee d wea to the edom wth e ote two emaesad, somewat laease, d sad sahtawI'e sdeed u blem But st o a I' o as a uest

he ws f te featues fme me ta matte hw astuded the mht feel, wofeds wuld e me a attete hea

I th I hae a fee I atuall ae Lazae mu had)

Yes, Lazae sad t me weal, u shld

hme ad et it bed

\

MEL Y EE 6

"Al he same, there's nethingI'd like to knw. If

te wrking classes are dne fr, why are yu bth Cm-munists, or scialists, or whatever?"

They stared at me, then glanced at ne anther.Lzare finallyanswered (I cudbarely hear her), "Nomtter what appens, we must not abandn the dwn-odde

I tuht, she's a hsta Wh, f use! AdI'e atuall me hee I was besde msef; I wasoutae wt shame

Wh mus' What's te pt f te a alwas sae oe's w sul Lazaewspeed

e utteed the setee wut m wthuee l up he ae me the feel of ushaablet

I felt mself w pale e aa I was feele s to m stmah I pessted eetheess Whatabou u, Mseu

h, Mseu Melu mutteed, hs aze s the templato f s saw fies, I destadu peplet ol to well I'm pepleed mself ear pepleed All the moe s se se uae maaed, a few wds t slate a ufeseeaspet f the pblem h, m! e smled t hs bead w hee's smeth ear -eest I fat, dea hld, wh are we salst ommuss Wh, deed

e seemed s t ufesee medtat Lt-

tle b little, fm the summt f hs mmese tu, the

THE BLUEOFNO MOHEEET 5


32/80

THE BLUEOFNO

ea a s lo ea ea o oop I oe

so ees A e e ofa uofoale sleee see ou oeale s asal lfe

eup s aeoe o s We'ele a fae

o s la efoe e so al o s

fels loee ea o a e a s ou

ofall

. .

.

Ad e as e oe appoaes sa

fo of s aves e as self ee a asI

o a o" - o aso s luous

laughable aae ae ole: a fal voe ha

sl voe of s as uee - e polessl

ases s as oeave a fo e l o

se- a s as "

As e spoe ese ods ele s o as fall

He aeoe e pefe eble of soe eaful

espaiI udesoo Hs souagee as a

ous If Id' leave I ould soosa g aga

I e ou despoel say alos a ispe

Goodbye Lazae "

A uaableompassohe lle yoe:

GoodbyeMoseu "

I as poug I as whou ot o ha I seemed

o eha I didn'have faogo I alkedfo ealy a

hou foze by he ai ha soaked my lohng ad

hai

MOHEEET 5

5

On the oowing dy hd ogotten bout this ex-sion ito a demented elity I woke up shtteed Iws shtteed by the e I hd expeiened in my dem; ws hggd ws buning wth feve dd not touhthe bekst tht y mohela se do a bedside still et ike thowing up he eeling hd notelly sbsided o the pst o days I sent out o bottle o bd hmpgne I dak a glass o i ied Ae

ew mintes got up to vomit Ate vomiting wentbk to bed I elt some eie, but the nuse lost notime in etuning I stted shiveing; my teeth weehtteing I ws obviously sik si a exemelydisgeebe wy snk bk no a kind o dedlsleep things l stted beoming unstuk k hideous shpeless things tht it ws bsolutely neessy oal down hee ws no wy of doing this My lie wslling to piees like otten mtte

he oto e nd exmined me om hed tooot He inly deided o ome ba someoeelse om the wy he spoke I undestood tht I mightbe dying ws in toios disomot I elt thee wssomething stk inside me nd I elt violent need oeie dit ee like dyig the wy I hd on othedys hd the ompited with iy seios pl-mony symptoms ithot eliig it hd been exposed to old dig the i o the pevios evenig

I spet thee dys in e ondition xept o

my motheinw the mid nd the dotos I sw no


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68 THE BLU OF N MOTHERLYFEET 69


34/80

68 THE BLU OF N

I tred reaso t er No, teres ot

you an do for e ere's ot ayoe ado "

I sad ts t su serty, t su edet de-spar, tat bot of us fell set Ee she dd't darespeak At ts pot I foud er presene dsareeabe

Aer this prologed silence, a idea stared i-

wardy aousig e astupi, hatefu iea; as though

a ofa sudde y life was at stake; or, gie the cir-

cumsaces, ore tha y life. So, seethig with fever,

I tod her i a tone of demeted iritaio, Liste to

me, Xenie." I bega rating, for o reaso, I was fra-

tic. "You'e bee ivoled i iteay goigs-on. You

must hae read De Sade. Youmust have foun DeSae

fatastic. Just like e others. Peope wo admire De

Sade are co artists,do you hear?Co ariss!

Se looked at e slee She dn't dare speakI et o, ' so rrtaed, I' so nfuaed, I' sodoe I dot o at I' sayn but y dd

tey do tat to De Sade? I alost souted, Dd ay of hem eat st? Yes or

o?"A of a sudde I as eez so desperately tat I

ad to st up As I oued, I yee my raked oe,Me are rels or ea oe o ats lke a aster,tere are oters ho are burs th oet Ad teoes o do't oto to ayt are jal or uder-rod Ja ad death for some people eas bootk-

for all te rest "

\

Xee ety pressed a ad aast y foreead

Hen , be of you" as se bet oer me, sheas tansforme no some knd of ompassoae fary,ad I as sorhed by the uexpected passo erhalfoered oe don't talk any ore You'remch oo fevesh o o on takn . "

Fly eogh, my scky excemet ave ay oam; he sage, perasve so of er voe a fedme h semonteed apahy or a on e lookedat Xene, ot say anyhn, smng at er I sa tatshe ha o a avybe sk dress a he ollar,pale sockngs, an he shoes Uner he ess he fgue ooked slener a prety Benea he arefuyombe back har, her face as yo I was sory Ias so sck

I sa o her ho hyocrsy, nd you ey a-tacve oay Yo look bea, Xene When yoae me by my is ame, fel nce

She seemed happy, n fact, ot of er md t

joy; ot of he mn h anxety, too . her aato,she knet o by my be and ksse me o te foe-hea p my an neneah her sk, beee herlegs I fe o less exhase, but my scomfo apasse Tee as a knck o he o, an hotan for an anse he eey ma came Xenego p as qcy as she co She peene o e ok-n a a panng; she as acg lke a mawoma, orpehas a smeon. Te ma, oo, as acng lke a

smen She ha bog he hemmeer an a cp

70TE BLE O MOHE EE 7 1


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70

of broh I was depressed b he old woman's supidi,

and I fell back ino prosraion momen earlier, Xenie's bare highs had been cool under m hand; now,eerhing was eeering Een m memor as eeering Reali was falling o pieces The onl hing left washe feer feer was burning awa he life in me I insered he hermomeer msel didn' hae he srengho ask Xenie o look he oher wa The old oman hadgone Xenie supidl wached me rummaging aroundunder he blankes unil he hermomeer a las wen in

I hink ha as she wached me he poor grl fel lkelaughing bu her waning o laugh brough her anguisho a head he seemed a a loss he sood here in fronto me wh her hair undone confused and quie reder face also bore winess o her seual anie

Thefever washigher han he day before I couldn'

have cared less. Iwassmiling, butmy smile was plainly

a spieful one Iwas, in fac , so unpleasant o behold

hahe oherpersonwas a aloss o know wha kindof

aface opu on.Then i was my moher-ilaw'surno

comein Shewanedo know my emperaure.Whou

replying, I told her that Xenie whom she had known

for some ime, would say and look afer me If she

waedo, she could sleep iEdihs room I said his

disgustedly, thenbegan smiling agai as I watched the

wo women

M moherinlaw haed me for all he suffering I

had ificed on her daugher; she was upse furher-

more, b an breach of proprie he asked, Don't

ou wan me o cable Edih o come" answered in a hoarse oice, wih he indifferenceof one who can beer conrol a siuaion he worse of heis, No I don' Xenie can slee here if she wants to"

Xenie was almos remblin as she stood here Shesqueezed her lower lip beween her teeh so as not to cryM moherinlaw looked ridiculous Her epressionwas one of circumspecion; her bewildered ees werefranic wih apprehension somehing most ill-suied

o her lisless posure Xenie inall blured ou that shewould go and ge her hings he le the roo withoutsaing a word and wihou glancing at me, but couldtell she was holdin back her ob.

Wih a laugh I said o m other-in-law, She cango to hell if she wans o"

M moher-inla rushed ou to see Xenie to hedoor I didn' know wheher Xenie had heard or not

I was he rubbish at eerone samps on y on

malice was compoundin the malice of fate had calleddown illforune on my head, and here was ding was alone I was despicable I ad reused to let Edih beinformed black hole now opened inside e as I realized ha would neer again clasp her to my breast llhe enerness in me called out to m lile children: noanswer would be forhcoming M moherinlaw andhe elderl aid were b m side The would certainlylook he par when i came o washing a corpse and ing

up is mouh o keep i from hanging ludicrousl open


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74 THE BLUE OF OON MOTHERL YFEET 75


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Being edced t ding tht i bed, with the hel f

etty wmn, d the stench my het sk (etht this int isied me with se bdeig te-; d yet it ws smethig I shuld he ee ye-ing f) The night befe, Xeie hd me k with sitse I hd shddeed nd stted gmblig thghclehed teeth. I hd peteded t be w t, t thent being nble t utte sigle wd When, t exseti, I hd filly elied t he, I begshddeing with less estit She hdn' ticed thing At ny mmet she wuld be mig i, ying tht ly the e f wm i le uld se meWhen she kked, I mnged to sit u (it seemed tme tht I s, f he ime bei, slighl ette.) I -sweed, Cme i i ice th ws lmst ml,ee tie slem, s thugh I wee plycting.

As she eed, I dded, less ludly, with tgimic disitme, N, i is't eth. It's lp little Xenie

Wideeyed, the delicius etue gzed t he esumed le. Nt kwi wht t d, she fell heknees by the bed.

She sftl exlimed, Wh e u s uel Iwuld he liked s muh t help u get well

Right w, I nsweed with wellmnneed mibility, I'd like it if yu jst help me se.

W't th tie u C' u s the y yue

N An nshe se is't pett sight. \

\

Why d y kee tying t ht me y e't

gig t die N, y cnt die Think f wht Im ging thgh menwhile If

y eeyne emembeed i ime Once I'm ded,Xenie, yll be be t kiss me l y wn wn't bei in ny me wnt be s lthme Ill be ysnd ys lne "

"Oh Hnri ! Youe uing me terily dontknow c ne ofu i cker . You're nt te one who' sgng to d you know, I m sur of that . t ll be me.You've ugt me so c

eto death neve get awaym i

A I w cmng mewht ditced

Ye gt m t tied t hve Y hvt c e Xenie hen sy yll e e t kime y mnt get ngy t's tg we tng my wn eneit id y knw hve eveteng e?

Xen w t n nes t wy m te e et dn: t h e w ngm n

t e h hed n ed me n nndn, d y men ? Yve gt t tel meevng n ie y m ty

gng gng tl ht d tld

Le B thi tme ting wee tng ddeny


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78 THE BLUE OF NOO MOHERLYFEET 79


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She actually bega the movemet that ould have

evetually tpped he to empty space.I may be oathsome, but that gestue caused mepa. It added the ea o allg t eveythg that asaleady gvg ay nsde me. I sat up. I elt haassed. Itold he, Come back hee. You ko peectly ell I dd't love ou, I ould' ave bee so hash. Pe-haps I wated o sue a lttle moe"

She took he me steppg do. She seemed aaway. He ace as shveled th atgue

I though of tellg he the stoy o Krakatoa. Myhead had by o spug a leak: eve thought I had wasraed aa I' fee ke sag someth, the all a sudde hee'd be othg for me o sa

The eldel mad ame , arrg a tra t Xees beakas. She set do o a lttle sad Wth tshe bought a arge gass of orae juce for me; bu myogu ad gums ere amed, ad I deaed dkgeve more ha I aved Xee poued ou her hot

mlk ad ofee I hed m glass m a, atg tork ad capable of mak up m m o She saha I as gettg mpaet I as holdg a lass mhad ad ot dk a papable asu As sooas she sa ths, Xee ated o reeve me of the glass.She eaped up bu so lumsl a she upset the tablead ay as she rose . Eveyth et do a ash ofroke dshae. If a hat momet e poor gl hadad he slghtest reacto, she mh el have jumped

out e do Wth eve pass mute her pesece

. 1!

i

l

at my bedsde as becomg moe dculous. She elt

that pesence to be thout justcato. She squattedo, pcked up the scatteed peces, ad set them othe tay. I ths ay she as able to coceal he ae; Icould ot see but oly guess the axety that as co-toting t. She ally used a bathtoel to mop up theug whch was deched wth cafe au IoU. I told he ocall the maid ad have he bg aothe beakast. Shedin't ase; she dd't look up . I ealized that she ascapable o askg the mad o aythg. Stll, shecould't go wthout od.

I said to he, Ope the cupbod. You'll d a tbx with cookes t Thee shuld be a bttle o chamgne that's ealy ull. It'll be am just the same,i you eel ke t "

Opeing the cupbod d tung he back to me,she beg eatg the cooies. The, since she as thsty,she heped hesel to champge and quickly dank to. She huedly ate some moe helped hesel to

anothe gass, ad y shut the doo. She shedstaightenng up. She was at a utte loss she had oie hat to do. I as suppsed to be gven a jectoo campho ol. I told he about t. She got thgs eadyin the bthoom ad ent o to the ktche o hateve was eeded. Ate a ew miutes she came backwith u hypemc. I ha some touble tug aceow. Ae pullg do my pajama bottom I presented he wth oe buttock. She said she dd't ko

h t manage.

80 THE BLUE OF NOOM07HEL YFEE 8 1


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I tht e, I tld he, u'll hu me. Yu'd

h. I

"

bette k m mt e w Withut futhe d he elutel eted theeedle N e uld he eibl mged bette. he peee f thi gil wh hd ut tuk theeedle it m bttk w bemig me d meietig. I ueeded i tuig e, t withutdiult. I hd mdet let. She helped me pull upm pm. hped he'd g dikig. I w'tfeelig wful. I tld he he huld tke the bttlead gl fm the upb, put them b he side,

ad keep dikig.She impl id, Whtee u like.

thught, if he keep it up, if he keep dikig,'ll tell he Lie d' d he'll lie dw, Lik thetble' d he'll lik the tle .

M deth w gig t be mgifie.hee ws thig tht w't lthsme t me.

hughl lthme.

ked Xeie, u w a g tht bei, Iemt f flwe'?

Ye wh?I 'd like u t ig it t me. Yu'e luk beig

able t dik, ee bd hmpge. He me me.Yu 't lee bttle hl empt

Whtee u like.She t eel lg wig. wet , ht' thee t tp u fm igig?

Wh I demt f a flwe'?

eue.

Oh, well. ht thig ele Yu will ig, w't u? Let me ki u hd

Yu'e weet.

Reigedl he tted t ig She tdig up,he hd empt, he ee glued t the l.

I dem weht wuld ee die,

demt f lehat wuld ee fde

e lw ie e up with get feelig, bitiff the lt wd t ed a te f hetedigeie

Ah, wh i thi wld thugh whih we tMut flwes ad hppie blm but d?

he I id t he, hee' methig df me.

I'll d whtee u wt.t wul ae bee s wdeful if o' e

ed whe u s t me.Nked?"Hve another drink. You cn lock the door I 'l

leve room for you next to me, in mybed. Now gedee

But it's z

82 THE BLUE OF NOO MOHEL YEE 83


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Rmmr o Yo' o r I

e o mor look r a or o o r look a m ook o r r lmo ly o e y rmo r slp I o r res ar n o room ' no o m e' ro mo e os r o p o o omo ppr e o p o r o o

r p ' oI a o o o m o l mee o l o o me

n ro: e mor so sne he boy prer or r mos o ll ee r o o opprsly e

I o r m mo a pr I o ry or er I m o o r o Pla pl p or e o

I o k o lo e of

er o r r roa pero o e so r ro e oo r wholebo m a rk e shookw ome ro mp m o b ro r Wa ! s pn, n r k s pro m e h o m was aa e o er e f on n fron

o m a r r

I s o r o ne o m a o't ry

any more he repled: I'm drk

Te botle on al was empy e ot itoe e ll a er soes o e lay don fannypwards and bie he ad i he bolser I was sosrane speaki no r r w e arent tedernesstha slly mafess isel oy a nht

I ol er very soly Don' cry ay moe I jst

ha o hae yo act crazy I need t so as not to die o won't die hoetI don' want to die ny more I want o le wth

yo When yo o p on he window sil I was afraid ofdeah Thnkin of a empy winow I was terrblyafai o, then me: wo people ead ad he oomempty

Wat if yo like I'll o st te windowNo, don't boher y ne o me Nearr tha

tat I want to feel yor brea She oved closer bt er moh had a winy smellShe said to me, Yo'e brnnI feel wose I esmed I'm afraid of dyin

Al my life I've bee obsessed wih he fea of death,ad now I ca't stan sn th wdow open ayloer, its maki me zy Ta's wa i is

enie mmediately jmp pGo ahead and sh bt com back Come back

rht away

84 THE BLUE OF OON MOTHERL Y FEE 8S


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Eveyhing w becoming cone. Someime, inim hion, lee wl eiby evil . . Nooint tling: wo wol ey be e n net,the wy hey e in em

I mmee, He cn' ge in "ho o yo men? Get in?"'m i"hom e yo ghene o?" . Fc . . . " Fc?'

,

No I w emng. Thee's omeboy ele "ot yo wie "No, Eh cn't be hee ye, it's oo oon "Then who ele, Heni? hom wee yo ing

abo? Yo've go to el me, 'm going czy yoknow 've h oo mch o in . "

Ae a inl silence, I nnonce No one' oming!"

A tomente show btly ell ot o the nnysky, hing n nng in the winow e Shink-ng n tembing I wihew inie myel. It w ong rg toe own om he oo bove. Fo oneie moment I embe: n my ze hogh tht hemn I cll the Commendatore h come in. He wolae wheneve I nvie him Even Xenie h beenfightened. Like me, she et ehenive abo win-dow whee she h j been ing o the oe o

ming ot of it. At the moment o he g' inion,

she hn't cemed he hd cle gint meple, with eyes like a mwoman's.

I w geting ot of y depth.It's too dk . . . " . Xenie etched ot longie me it w then

she assmed the apearance of a ded woman . . Se

ws nked . . . . She had the pale ets of a oti-tte .

A sooty loud ws lckening the sky . . . mkino with the ky and the ight inie me.

Was I to die with a cose at my ie. . .Even thi frce w too mch o me it ws

s a face . .

3 Antonio s Sto ANNIO'S RY 87


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3 Antonio s Sto

h gg h g he h h I gg eh h

e g g g g

d g h s h g g g he e h g h he h g

ee e he e h h g g

g h

I s exeed i t h I ih zre

cd ee y i die I his srie he e s: ze n

cmes he iI red d ich h n int ir f

beiderme"It's re azare sd i s ye

ad she en se her gh he i Is h sexrrdinry?

The Cia is f c e he e k

cuisiies ce I evehs hgh hichel as g I hi s the e s s Themere hgh ze e e si s resed yanger I fet i ellig u iide me

I shued I ws ie I 'd ie he e ine hd iche i ze ws he r f meI'd kil her

Anher dancer h ygrl mde his etrance accmied y suig d ts

laghter e hd a blnd ig e gges de

us, ad dicrs" 'd like t e her d hi he It was s eerus ha ihe sd He

tk me by the arm He as frigheed I as singall ctrl ad he himse s dr s he slmedbck int his chair he ed r

I cmsed myse d sred lkig a thedancer ih he ske resses

"Bt zre is't he e h ehved bdly

B OF NOO ANNIO R 9


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ihe excaimed. She td me that yu, the the

had, had severey istreated her veray "She td yu that?"ut she des't hd it agaist yu."Jst d't keep teig me that she's ee t the

Cria azare at the Cria . ! "She's cme here it me several times. She fud

it highy iterestig. I u't get he ut. She musthave ee astishe She ever e metied thesiy thigs yu said t he.

I as pretty muh amed d. "I' tel yuaut it sme ther time. She ame t see me he I asat eath's d. S she des't hd it agaist me? We,I' eve fgive he. Never d yu udestadyay, uld yu e gd eugh t e me hatrught he t the Cria Lazare

I as icapae f imagiig azae seated hee Ias, athig a disreputae sh. I as i a daze I hadthe feeig that I'd frgtte smethig I' d k

what it as a sed earie, ad I asutey had t recall it. I felt like speakig ith geater thrughess. Ifet like speakig luder. I as aare f my utte helplessess. I as gettig cmpetey dunk

I his ccer, ihel ecame mre ad mreakard. He as seatig ad miserae. The mre hepdered, the mre eyd him everythig seemed.

"I tied t ist he rist, he said"

"Oce. ight hee

I was udegig heavy stess. I felt the pit f

expldigI the midst f the tumut, iche guffaed, " Yudn't k hat she's like. She ated me t stik pisit he ski. Yu d't kw hat she's ike. She'subearae!'

,

"Why pis"She ated t be pepared."F hat I shuted. "Pepaed?ichel laughed lude tha eve "F ithstad-

ig trtue . . .

Oe agai he tuned serius, as el as he cud auptly ad awkwadly He lked huied he lkediditic. He lst time speakig. He as i a fuy,"Thee's smethig else yu abslutey have t kw.Lazare, yu k, casts a spell aye h listes the. She seems like smee fom athe ld. Theeare peple hee, wkes, who felt illatease ith heThey admied he, then they a it he at the Cila.

Hee at the Cila she lked like a spk. e fieds they ere sittig at the se table wee appalled. heyculd't udestand he eig hee. Oe day, e fthem stated dikig, i asati He lst his head.He rdeed a ttle, ust the way yu did. He emptiedglass afte glass. I thugh he'd ed up i bed ith heHe cetaiy culd have kied he he wuld havprefeed gettig killed / he, but he eve uld haveasked he t g t bed with him. H fud he capti

vatig. He'd eve hav udestd if I'd talked abu


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92 B O NOO I'S Y 93


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ege of tea e wa gesticulatig stagely i he

midst of the music, a thugh he had t get rid f someisect"Hae you ee heard a illier sry he addedIt wa the wea uig off his frehead tha had

omted hi gesiculatis

2

he toy had left me suedI maaged to ak ichel, as hugh we wee't

duk bu obliged to emai desperaely aler (i sie feerythig, ou heads were clea), "Ca yu ell mewat Atoio wa like

Michel oied t a yug by a a earby talead aid that e looked like him

"Atoio He had a quickempered way auim wo week ago they arested him He was aagiao

I wet o quesioig him a gaely as I culd Ca you describe he pliical siuai i arcela me I do't kow a thig

"It 'll all blow skyhigh "Wy has't azare cme"We'e eectig he ay dayo azae wa comig o arcela take part i

e agitatio My state of helplessess had become so itoleable tat witout Michel he ight migh have come

o bad ed

Micel' ow ead my ae bee cewed o ba

wad, but he maged to make me it dw agai Iwa tyig o witout difculty to ecal azaetoe of oice A yea ago he d bee ittig i oe ofthese chais

azae alway used to eak impetubably adlwly, i a iemost toe of oice It made me laugwheee I thought of ay of te slowpoke seteceI had heard I wihed I'd bee Atoi I would haekilled he he tought that ehas I loed azare

drew a shu fom me that was ost i the hubbub I feltcapable of biig myself I wa obsessed by the eole,by he eed t shoot, to empy the chame ito ebelly, io e A toug I wee tumblig thougspac ad makig silly gesures, he way we ire ieffectual shs i deam

I had had eough o comose myself, I ad tomake a great effot I tld Michel, "azae eol meso much tha it scares me

Acrss the able, Michel looked ick e to wamakig a superhuma effot to old oo himself eesed his forehead i is had, uable to tie a waklaugh, "Ye, accodig to e, you seeme to ate eso iolely Ee he wa afaid I ate er myself

Y hate he wo moth ago he came to eeme i bed, whe she tought I wa gig to die he wahow i, ad he tated toward my bed o titoeWhe I spied he i the middle of te oom, e toed,

till o titoe, moiole e looked like caecow

9 THE BLUE OF N ANTNIO'S TRY 9S


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standing mtinless i the middle f a eld . . . .

Three steps away frm me, she was as pale as if shewere lkig at a crpse. There was sulight i therm, but Lazare was dark. Dark the way prisns aredark. She was attracted by death, can yu understandthat? Whe I suddeny laid eyes n her, I was sfrighteed I sreamed

"But what abut her?She didn't say a wrd She did't budge. I

shuted abuse at her. I tld her she was a filthy asshle.I said she ha the mind f a priest. I eve managed t

tell her that I was calm and cmpsed. But I was shak-ing in every imb. I tld her that dying was painflenugh, but that having t behld such a abject creture while dying was t mch. I was srry my bedpawasn't full I wuld have chucked the shit in herface.

What did she say?"She td my mtherinaw, iht raising her

vice, that it wuld be best if she et.

I kept laghing and laghing I was eeing dble. Iwas lsing my head.

It was Miche's trn t gaw, "She le?"She left. My sheets were drenched with weat I

thght I was ging t die then and there. B by theend f the day I was beter I fet hat I was t fdager. Get this straight: I certainy frightened her.Otherwise, dn't yu agree, I 'd be dad!

Michel wh had slumped dwn, sat up again. He

was feeling awful, but he als had the lk f e wh

has ust quenched his thirst fr revenge. He was raving."Lazare lves little birds. S she says. But she's lyig.Lying, d yu hear? She reeks f the grave. I knw Itk her in my arms ne day . . . "

Michel std up. He was dead white. With a ex-pressi f prfund stupidity e said, "I'd better g tothe bahrm.

I t std up. Michel wet away t vit. I stdthere, with all the cries f the Crilla iside my head,lst in the crush. I n lnger understd. Had I shuted, ne wld have heard, nt eve had I shuted myhead ff. I had nthing t say. I was stil dmed t gastray. I kept laughi. I wul have liked t spit i thether peple's aces.

Cpr 4 The Blue N TE BEN 9


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p

A wke ,

an gried me at thethght f cnfrnting azare. dressed qicly adwent t t wire Xenie t jin me in rcelna. Whyhad left Paris witht gig t bed ith her? Id ptp with her, with sme dificlty, dring the entire time was sic ; and yet if ne makes lve ith ma eis scrcely in lve with, she becmes mre bearable. d

had engh f makig lve with rstittes.y dred f azare as a samefl ne: a s thgh

ed her sme srt f exlantin. recalled the absrd feelig that had ercme me at a Crilla. Thethght f rnning int her filled me with sch dreadthat n lnger felt hatred fr her. gt t f bed addressed hastily in rder t send the teegram hd, inmy despair, been happy fr nearly a mnth. d beenemerging frm a nightmare; nw the nightmare was

catchig p wth me

n m elegra elained to Xenie that until n

had had no fied address wanted her cme Barcelna a fa he culd

had a intmen with ichel e eemed wred. tk hi ut o lunch at a little esaurant n thePrallelo e e ile nd drk even le old hiht didn ead the aer e aid, nt witht irnh geneal ike had been clled fr he fllwingda d be bette off ging o Caela where culd inm friend on he he had wa deermined o e

man in Barceln and witne he distubance hldhere be an. didn want t bece invlved, but didhave ca m dioition ne of m friend henting a Calell had len i o me f week f heneeded ca could act a hi driver e brst inofrakl hstile laughte. e w ure f belnging t differen wrl: he wa enniles and he w read fanthing tha might hel the evltin. curred tome that in it he wuld, a usual, have hi head in

he clud and tuid get himelf killed diliked theentire bine. n a ense, the evltin wa a f thenightmare frm which thght d ecaed. wa nowitht a feeling f embarassment tha ememberedhe night sent at L Crilla, r ichel himelf hanigh imagined mu have bthered him, n lbthered bu reed him i vice ok n a indefinable uali of vcatio nd iet when, a he ld me ha Laze had rrived he ighbefre


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1 E BE O N THE BEN 01


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I Melou d most denitely not om to Belon.

At te otel I delined to te te letor ndlimbed the stirs. I threw myself onto one of te beds. Ierd te sound of my ert inside my ones. I felt myeins beting, lboriusly, in bot temples For longtime I ly sun in spsms o exptny splsedwter onto my fe. I ws ery tirsty I ten sed tobe put throug to Pris. ere ws no on in Xenie'sprtment. I onsulted timetble nd dedued tt semigt lredy be t te sttion. I tried my prtment,were, for the ime being, during my wie' s bsene, mymotherinlw ws still ling. I tougt tt my wifemigt e returned. My moteinlw nswered.Edit d styed i Englnd wit te two ildren. Shesed me wether I d reeied te express letter seerl dys erlier, se d enlosed it in n enelopend forwrded it to me irmil. I remembered leing letter from her stuffed into one of my poets: reognizing the hndwriting, I dn't opened it. I told er yes

nd ung up, irritted by te sound o n ufriendlyoie.

e enelope, rumpled up in my poet, ws seerl dys old. Wen I opened it, I reognized Dirty'sdwriting on te express letter Still unertin, Ifeerishly begn tering open the p. It ws troiously hot in te room. It ws s toug I would neer finistering it open; I felt swet triling down my ee. I

glimpsed sentene tt orried me, I groel t your

feet. is, strngely enoug, ws ow te letter begn.

Wt she wnted me to forgie er for ws for noting d te ourge to ill erself. Se d ome toPris to see me. Se ws witing for me to ll er t erotel.

I felt toougly wreted. For moment I wondered I d one gin unhooed the reeier if Iwould een now wt to sy. I mged to s for teotel in Pris. e witing nised me off. I looed tte express letter it ws dted September 0. ody wsOtober

4In despir I strted to sob. After urter of

n our, te otel nswered tt Miss Dorothe S dgone out. (Dirty ws merely n bbreition prooti bbreition of Dorote. I left te neessry instrutions. Se ould ll me s soo s she returned I ung up. It ws more tn my ed ould stnd

I ws obsessed by emptiness. It ws nine o'lo. Inteory, Xenie ws on te trin to relon, drwingrpidly nerer to me. I imgined te speed of te trin,

its ligts iid in te nigt s wit terrifi din it drewnerer. I thought I sw mouse, perhps oro someting bl ross the oorbords of the roomeween my legs. o doubt tis ws n illusion brougton by ftigue. I d ind of dizzy spell. I ws prlyzed, onfined to te hotel, witig for pone ll.er ws no wy of oiding nything; te lest inititi d been ten wy from me. I went down toe dinner in te otel dining oom. I got up e time

I erd te pone ring, frid tt the opertor would


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in o ition oul no longe te te busi

ness seiously o y ind, it d no sense Lesuoune esel wit people lie Miel wo in'tnow ow to i gun n wo sot te wy teyste eeteless, se te bilit to e eisions, s wel s te iile esoluteness of n ognieI luge s ougt ow, on te ote n, te onlytlent I ws fo losing my e tougt b towt I e bout te teoists Fo te pst fewwees, y li estnged me om ny onens esebling tose o te teoists e wost ting obi

ousl, woul e to oe toug t time wen I woulbe ting not oing to my own pssons but Le'sn t s wit fo Miel gippe te steeingweel I ws lie tppe niml ws umbfouneby te ie tt bngd to Le, tt ws in epossession . . . emembee t, s il, ws sity s L e emoy ws pinful elle oneepessing moent in ptiul ws boe t y use to wile wy y stuy ous, just sitting

tee, sely oing, often wit y out ngingopen One ning, une te gsligt, ise y esop in ont o e o one oul see me I gspey pen oling it in my lene igt n lie nie, epetedly buie te steel nib in te b o yeft n n oe Just to see just to see, ndso I wntd t nr myset pn. I inite nube o ity ts oe blis tn e buse o tein e sll uts wee esentspe lie te nib

seen in oss setion

I g he cr hs ehe he srr s

erhe e ers er he h se sichise ih es s sig er he s i reig sree here he h eer ee iig r se issie ee here ere srs iii srs I s sr sr egh e scre i s hsile sri I s egerr re srise I rece h he he srsisere I sre e i he srees geer I s ess ri he srr s h he I he i i r hrs . I re

eere i s i e er eeh rili ris s I s sig he rrse he s chers rie s heheess ecs e s rre r cscerigs he chers ehie srie scsere sess ce he s s ig rr i e sigh Whe I s I e hes I se sh ees le i shie re hrgh is he s s sic i ee res

exsi Ws here hig re sie h re rig er ceses s hgh igh clsher i? i his hic ress I' ese r ih ligh s ce gi re i ees s ere ir i e ir riilir ees ere ger s g he srs here shiig e e c i he e he s I sh he s s se se i h righeess Fr i lc isecs se rh i

ig srs s s ex here eerge

; I

108 THE BLUE OF N THE BLU E O NOO 1


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t te blzing ig point of te d, t first s n

iperceptible speck, te plae tat was brigingDorotea. . . . I opened ee. Te strs were stillcovering ed, but I was addeed wit suigt. Ielt like luging: next d, tt plane, too sll nddistnt to ttenute te sk's blaze even iniall,would pper to me in te likeness of

nois bug; it

would be rboring Dirt's preposterous fatasies i-side its glssedin cge; nd s I stood tere on teground, it would, to m tin un ind t a mo-ent wen pin would be rendig deeper tn bitwitin er ssue te spect of n ipossible,dorble "outouse fl So I ad lauged, nd itws no longer merely te gloom bo wit is cruel penwo ws wlking troug te nigt ugging te walls: Id luged te sme laug s cild, covinced ttoe d, since suc luck insolece ws sustininge, it ws I wo ws bound to turn te world upsidedown turn te world, uite inluctabl, upside down.

I no longer understood ow I could ve beenfraid of Lzre If, fter few inutes' wit, Miceldid not pper, I would leve. I ws convinced ewouldn't come; it ws n excess of coscientiousnesstt kept e witing. I d lost decided to go wente ront doo of te building opened Micel ce over

to me. He looed, to tell te trut, like man from te

oter world; like soeone wo s souted imself silly

I told i I ws bout to leve. He sid in repl tt tediscussion up tere ws so cotic nd nois tt nooe could ke iself erd

I sked im, "Lzre's tere"Nturall. Se's te use of it ll . . . . ere's no

point in our going up. I've d it. I'll come nd ve drink wit ou.

"Sould we tlk bout soeting else"No. I don't tink I could. I m going to tell ou "Rigt. S wt's on our indI ad onl vgue desire to know Micel seeed

ludicrous to e t tis point, nd wt ws appening"up tere even more so.

"Te're plnning surprise ttck, wit bout fift en rel gunslingers, ou know te tpe. It's nojoke. Lzre wants to rid te prison

"Wen? If it's not toorrow, count e in. I 'll bringweapos. I can tke four en in cr

Micel souted, "It's ridiculous

"O? I burst out luging."We souldn't ttck te prison It's bsurdMicel d been speking t te top of is lungs.

We ad coe to crowded street . I couldn't elp saingto i, "Don't sut so loud.

He ws tken aback. He stopped nd gzed bouti look o anxiet pssed over is fce. Micel wsnoting but cild nd sctterbrain.

I luged d sid to i, "It doesn't atter. You

were spekig Frec.

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Ressured s uikl s e d been rigtened, e

in turn strted luging ut e did no more soutingfter tt He een dropped te ontemptuous tone inwi e spoke to me We were t sidewlk fe,were we piked tble off to one side.

He tod me ow e felt: "Let me explin w wesouldn't ttk te prison. Tere's no point to it. IfLzre wnts to tke te prison b surprise, it's not beuse it's useful but beuse it suits er ides. Lzre isreolted b nting resebing wrfre, but sine se'srz, e fors diret tion ll te se So se wnts

to mount surprise ttk I suggested riding n rmsdepot . Se didn 't wnt to er bout it, beuse te wse sees it , tt mens suumbing to te od onusionbetween reolution nd wr. You don't know wtpeope re ike ere. Peope ere re gret, but te'renuts te listen to er

"You en't tod e w ou souldn't ssultte prison

sill, I ws sinted b te notion of s

sulting prison, nd I iked te ft tt te workerswere listening to Lzre Te orror tt Lzre in-spired in me d bruptl nised I tougt, se'sgruesoe, but se's te on one wo understnds. TeSpnis workers understnd te reolution, too.

Speking for is own benefit, ie d gone onwit is explntion: I t' s obious Te prison is no useto none Wt we need priril is wepons Teworkers must be red I te seprtist moement

doesn't put wepons into te nds of te workers,

wt's te sense to it Te proo s tt t tlnist

leders re probb going to ose ot bese teytremble t te tougt o puttng wepons nto tends o te workers. It's peretly obious: we soldrst rid n rms depot.

Anoter ide ourrd to : tt ty wer ring luntis.

I begn tinng o Drty gin . I myse ws dedrom exustion, ul o nxety one gin.

Distrtedl I sked Miel, Wi ms depote ppered not to e r.I nsisted. It ws uestion e new notng

bout, ltoug it ws si, n ebrssny bsione; but e didn't now Breon.

Hs Lzre gotten ny uterYes Se s plns o te prison. Would you rter we ted bout someting

esee ept uet or moment, not sying word.

e ten went on: I tin t wll turn out bdy. Tegenerl strie s been lled or tomorrow morning,but eerone will go is own wy, nd te'll l getwipe out by t i gurds. I'l end up blieing ttt's Lzre wo's rigt.

Wt do ou menTt's it. Te workers will neer oin ores, nd

tey'll get beten. Is tking te prison b surprise impossible

"How sould I know I 'm no soldier '

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I ws exsperted. It ws two o'lo in te morn-

ing. I suggested meeting t br on te Rmbls. Hewould ome wen tings were more definite. He sid ewould be tere round fie o'lo. I lmost told imow wrong e ws to oppose te prison enture, but I' dd enoug. I wled Miel b to te door were Id wited for im nd were I d pred te r. Iws gld t lest not to e met Lzr.

4

I went t one to te mbls. Leing te rbeind, I entered te barri hin I wsnt terwoen, ut t nit e bai hin w te only wyof illing time for tree ours. At tt our I ould lis-ten to te men from Andlusi, te singers of ontejnd I ws eside myself from ggrtion, nd teggrtions of onte jnd were te one ting ttmigt suit my feerisness. I went into sulid tvern.As I entered womn on te erge of deformity

blond womn wit fe lie bulldogs ws per-forming on smll stge. Se ws prtilly nude; teolored nderief round er loins filed to onelte deep bl of er puis. Se ws performing bellydne nd singig. I d brely st down wen noterwomn, no less ideous, me to my tble. I ws obligedo e drin wit er. Te ple ws ery full. It wspretty mu te sme rowd s t L rioll, but sb-bier. I pretended to spe no Spnis. Only one of te

women ws pretty nd young. Se looed t me. Her

uriosity d te pperne of sudden rdor. Se ws

surrounded by fres whose rwomen's eds ndbooms were wrpped in filty swls. A young boy,rdly more tn ild, dressed in striped silor'ssirt, wit urly hir nd rouged ees, pproed tegir wo ws gzing t me. He ws wildlooing. He mden obsene gesture, burst out luging, ten went ndst down elsewere. A ery old, stooped womn wit pesn nderief oer er ed me in wit bset. A singer ppered nd st down on te sgewit guitr plyer. Ater few mesures from te

guitr, e strted to sing, in te most toneless mnnerpossible. At tt point, I migt well e dreded issinging te wy te oters do nd destting me witis ries. Te room ws lrge At one end, ertinnumber of women were sitting in row, witing for us-tomers to dne wit. Tey would dne wit te usto-mers s soon s te singers finised teir numbers.Tese girls were firly young, but ugly d sbbilydressed. Tey were thin nd undernourised. Some

were dozing; oters were rinning stupidly; otersbruptly stru the stge wit rpid little tps of teireels, wile simultneously uttering solitry es! Oneof tem, in lffded, pleblue otton dress, d tin, blned fe benet stringy ir: se wouldplinly be ded in few moths . I needed to stop tin-ing bout myself, t lest for te time beig. I needed totin bout oter people nd ressure myself tt insideis own sull e ws lie. I styed tere witout

speig for nerly n our, wthig my fellow umns

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in tt room. Aerwrd I went to noter nigtlub,

wi ws, in ontrst, ery liely. A extremely youngworer in oerlls ws spinning round nd round wit womn in n eening gown. Te eening gown reeledte dirty strps of er slip, but te womn ws desirble. Tere were oter spinning ouples . . . . I uilydeided to lee. I ouldn't e stood ny furter exitement wtsoeer.

I went b to te Rmls nd bougt igrettesnd seerl mgzines. It ws brely four o'lo.

Seted t sidewl fe, I lefed troug te mg-zines witout seeing tem. I tried to tin of noting; Iouldn't mnge to. Meningless dust ws billowing inside me. I would e lied to remember Dirty s serelly ws. Wt my memory guely reolleted wssometing witin me, someting impossible, pplling,nd bo ll lien. Te next moment I would ildislyimgine going nd eting wit er in one of te resturnts on te rbor. We would et ll sorts of spiy

tigs I lied, ten we would go to te ote. Se wouldsleep; I would sty ner te bed. I ws so tired tt tte sme time I tougt of sleeping longside er, in nrmir, een treted out on te bed. One se drried we would bot of us fll sound sleep; obi-ously, we would sleep bdly. Ten tere ws te generlstrie: big bedroom ndle d notig to do;empty streets; street figting. Miel would be sowingup t ny moment. I must wste no time getting rid of

im.

I would e lied to er no more tl bout ny

tig. I felt lie sleeing. Te most urget business peoplemigt tell me would go out te oter er. I d to go tosleep full dressed, nyle. I must e fllen sleepseerl times in my ir. Wt to do wen Xenie rried. A little er six, Miel rried nd told me ttzre ws witing for im on te Rmbls. He ouldn'tsit dow. Teir pls d fllen troug. He seemed sdistrted s I ws. He felt no more lie tling tn Idid; e ws disertened nd lfsleep.

I immeditely sid to im, I'm oming wit you.

Dy ws breing. Te sy ws ple, d terewere o more strs. People were coming nd going butte Rmbls seemed someow nrel from one end tote oter tt stret of plne trees ws one defeningbirdsog I d neer listened to nyting so unex-pected. I gt sigt of zre wlig under te trees .Her b ws towrd me.

Micel sed me, "You don't wt to say ello toer?

At tt moment, se turned round nd strtedwlkig b in or diretion dressed in er eerlstingbla. For moment I wodered if se were't te mostume being I d eer seen. Wt ws pproingme was lso monstros rt. Not ruig wy wswt ws neessry d esy. I ws in ft fr wy; Iws ery fr wy. I simly sid to Miel, You nlee bot of you.

Miel prently did not understnd. I soo

ds wit im d dded I ew were tey bot were

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, iI. staying), Tae the third street on your right Call metomorrow night, if you can as if Lazare and Michelhad together lost the merest shadow of existence Therewas no more authentic reality in me

Lazare looed at me She could not have been morenatural I looed at her and waved to Michel

They left

I went my own way towad my hotel It was aboutsixthirty I did not draw the huttes I soon fell asleep,but it was a itful sleep I had the feelig it was daytime

I dreamed was in Russia; I was visiting one of the twocapitals as a tourist, most likely Leigrad I was waling inside huge ionndlass edifice that looed liethe old Galerie des Machines. Day had just broen, anda dirty light was filtering through the dusty panes Abovethe dirt floor the empty space was more vast and moresolemn than a cathedral I was depressed and utterlyalone Through a side aise I reached a series of litterooms where mementos of the evolution were ept

The ooms did not constitute an actual museum, but inthem the decisive episodes of the revolution had taenplace They had originally been created for the life noble and fraught with solemnity of the court of theCzar During the war, several nembers of the imperialfamily had entrusted a French painter with the tas ofdepicting on the wals a "bigraphy of France In theaustere, rhetorical style of Lebrun, he had narrated historical scenes from the life of Louis XIV. At the apex ofone wall, France was risig ito the air with a ponderous

oorlamp in one hand She seemed to be emeging froma cloud or a pile of wrecage, but she had, already, al-most disappeared: the artist's wor, casually setched inplaces, had been interrupted by the uprising The wallshus reclled mummied Pompeian who, fully alivewhen the ain of ashes struc him, was deadest amongthe dead Only the shouts nd stamping of the insugents still hung in the room, where breathin was diff-cult and came, so vivid was the errifying abruptness ofthe revolution, in spasms or hiccups

he djoining oom was the mos

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Bataille, Georges -k Blue of Noon