Blue Quills First Nations College SWK 200 …€¦ · · 2015-09-07Grading Scale Blue Quills First Nations College utilizes the following Four Point Grading System: Letter Grade

BQFNC – Outline SWK 200 1

Program Mission Statement: To graduate people who will practice social work in a manner true to our sacredness

Blue Quills First Nations College

SWK 200

INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION

INSTRUCTOR: William Aguiar

OFFICE HOURS: 8:00 am to 4:00 pm

PHONE NUMBER: (780) 645-4455

E-MAIL: [email protected]

COURSE DESCRIPTION

Given the traumatic childhood background of many Indigenous (and non-Indigenous) adults,

this course starts off with an overview of how childhood trauma rewires the developing brain,

the family factors that optimize brain development, and the rewiring process adults need to

engage in to regain control over a nervous system that tends to be hyper-reactive.

As students master the skills of mindfulness – one of the strategies associated with rewiring the

brain – they are, through the use of role play, introduced to a variety of interpersonal skills that

enhance their ability to interact more effectively with family members and co-workers.

The latter part of this course (after students have experienced profound changes within

themselves and, through repeated practice and role play, have mastered the rewiring process of

their brains thus contributing to improved family relationships) introduces students to generic

interviewing skills. Mastery of these skills involves realistic practice interviews with their peers

and application of the micro-skills associated with the interview process to their daily

interactions.

COURSE OBJECTIVES

Upon successful completion of the course, students will have developed personally and

professionally to achieve the following objectives:

1. Monitor and calm down the limbic system and brain stem when triggered into a

heightened state of arousal.

2. Recognize how implicit memory, especially memory associated with childhood trauma,

intrudes on present day relationships and amplifies emotional/behavioral responses,

and recruit the neocortex to respond appropriately.

mailto:[email protected]

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3. Actively rewire the brain by calming the limbic system and brain stem through deep

breathing while training the neocortex to engage in soothing self-talk, and rehearse as

well as visualize behavioral responses that nurture and strengthen relational

connections.

4. Practice and master mindfulness on a regular basis.

5. Master the following communication skills: “I” messages, paraphrasing, reflective

listening, micro-skills associated with empathic responses, and skills associated with

conducting a basic interview.

6. Monitor and change voice tone, facial expression and body posture to ensure congruency

and respectful delivery of the verbal content of messages.

7. Demonstrate synthesis of theory and practice.

REQUIRED READINGS

1. Basic Attending Skills. Allen Ivey, Norma Gluckstern and Mary Ivey, Microtraining

Associates.

2. DVD: First Impressions…Exposure to Violence and a Child’s Developing Brain. California

Attorney General’s Office, 2008.

3. Understanding Traumatized and Maltreated Children: The Core Concepts. The Child

Trauma Academy, 2004 (Dr. Bruce Perry)

4. http://www.albertafamilywellness.org

http://albertafamilywellness.org/resources/publication/apple-magazine

5. Native American Motivational Interviewing: Weaving Native American and Western

Practices. Kamilla L. Venner, Sarah W. Feldstein, Nadine Tafoya

6. Restoring Balance: Blue Quills First Nations College (curriculum)

Blue Quills Guiding Principles: Course requirements and procedures have been developed in accordance with the guiding principles that form the philosophical foundation of Blue Quills First Nations College. We acknowledge that we learn these natural laws and ethics through language, ceremony, relationships, and practice. kinanâskomânaw kohtâwinaw ekwa kikâwînaw kananâskomonaw e-kîmîkosîyahk ospwâkan, wihkask ekwa cistemaw kikawîcihikoyâhkik

http://www.albertafamilywellness.org/


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kananâskomonaw iyiniw mamitoneyicikan ekwa iyiniw pimâtisiwin ehawikosîyahk ekwa ekoni ohi kiskinohamâkewina: mamawokamâtowin, wicîhitowin, tâpokeyihitamowin ekwa sîhtoskâtowin We honour the Creator, the Great Mystery, the grandmothers and grandfathers, our older brother: the pipe, tobacco, the rock spirit, the smudge and medicines, and prayer. We trust these to lead us to a strong mind, a strong heart, a willingness to work together, and a commitment to help one another, all our relations, and those who were here first. These laws and ethics guide us in all of our relations – within our communities as well as with people of other cultures. We are responsible for living the seven teachings of love, respect, courage, honesty, humility, wisdom and truth. By striving to honour each of these guiding principles within our daily lives we are better able to assume our responsibilities as learners and teachers.

COURSE REQUIREMENTS & DETERMINATION OF GRADE

1. Attendance: 10%

Due to the highly interactive nature of this course, students are expected to attend all

classes.

2. Communication Exercises: 10%

These written responses to scenarios involving spouses, children or colleagues are

intended to assess mastery of specific skills such as paraphrasing, reflecting listening,

and “I” messages.

3. Journals: 20%

The journals are a form of self-reflection intended to convey to the Instructor how the

self-change process is affecting the student and his relationships.

4. Practicing Mindfulness: 20%

Please refer to attachment 1 which guides the student through a step by step process to

help master the skill of mindfulness, an important first step toward self-change. Also

attached are student examples of mindfulness practice.

5. In-Class Interview: 20%

The in-class interview will be graded by the student’s peers. The interview should

demonstrate the application of skills associated with the basic attending and listening

sequence.

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6. Final Essay (Integration Paper): 20%

This self-reflective essay is an integration of the course and is intended to inform readers

(reading audience should include significant others as well as the instructor) of the

changes and self-growth the student has experienced as a result of putting into practice

the skills associated with this course.

Please refer to attachment 3 in the handouts, for an example of an essay that explores the

profound changes experienced by a student who enrolled in this course and embraced the

self-change process.

Grading Scale Blue Quills First Nations College utilizes the following Four Point Grading System:

Letter Grade Grade Point Percentage Conversion

A + 4.0 95-100% A 4.0 95-100% A- 3.7 90-94% B+ 3.3 85-89% B 3.0 80-84% B- 2.7 75-79% C+ 2.3 70-74% C 2.0 65-69% C- 1.7 60-64% D+ 1.3 55-59% D 1.0 50-54% F 0.0 0-49%

Submission of Assignments: All assignments must be submitted on the due date. Students who wish to ask for an assignment extension due to health issues or other extenuating personal circumstances must speak to the instructor prior to the assignment due date. Neglecting to do so will result in a failing grade for that particular assignment. Students who are granted extensions for reasons other than personal illness and extenuating personal circumstances will receive a 10% grade reduction for that particular assignment. Extensions will normally not be granted beyond one week of the assignment due date.

Please submit assignments to the instructor in person or please ensure that office personnel date and initial your submitted assignment before it is placed in the instructor’s mailbox. Students are responsible for verifying that the instructor has received assignments which have been submitted via e-mail.

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Academic Accommodation: At Blue Quills First Nations College we are committed to creating supportive educational environments for all students. If you are a student who possesses specialized learning needs and require academic accommodation, please notify your instructor within 14 days after the commencement of this course. Cell Phone Use:

While class is in session, please refrain from all forms of cell phone use. Each class will include a 15-minute coffee break, providing students with an opportunity to use their cell phones if necessary. Ay, Ay, (Thank You).

COURSE SCHEDULE

Week 1-2: -Trauma and the human brain.

Resource: 1.Understanding Traumatized & Maltreated Children

2. Exposure to Violence and a Child’s Developing Brain (DVD)


Week 3: -Practicing Mindfulness

Resource Attachment 1

-Introduction to Interpersonal Communication: Teachings of the Medicine Wheel

Resource: Restoring Balance (Unit 1), B.Q.F.N.C.

Week 4: -Relational Dimensions of the interpersonal communication process.

Resource: Restoring Balance (Unit 2), B.Q.F.N.C.

-Examining our Connection Bids.

Resource: The Relationship Cure (Chapter 2), John Gottman & Joan De Claire

Week 5: -Role Play Family Triangles in a State of High Arousal

-Role Play detriangling and connect to mindfulness practice, relational aspects of

interpersonal communication and connection bids

Resource: Thinking in Threes: Stepping Out of Triangles

Harriet Lerner, The Dance of Anger

Week 6: -“You Feel the Way You Think”

Introduction to the concepts of Cognitive Behavior Therapy as explained by Dr.

David Burns.

Resource: Ten Days to Self-Esteem (Chapter 1-4), David Burns


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Week 7: -Introduction to the skill of “I” messages

-Present family scenarios and role play emotionally reactive response in contrast

to the application of “I” messages

-Emphasize the visualization and rehearsal of the “I” message skill during the

initial mastery stage

-Connect to mindfulness practice

Resource: Restoring Balance (Unit 6 Self-Revealing Communication: “I

statements”), B.Q.F.N.C.

Week 8: -Introduction to the use of reflective listening skills in family relationships

-Spouse-to-spouse interaction

-Parent-child interaction

-Role plays: Create scenarios that are emotionally reactive and note the change in

the emotional atmosphere when the same scenarios are replayed with reflective

listening responses

Resources:

1. Refer to attachment 2 for sample exercises/role plays

2. Restoring Balance (Unit 4, The Art of Listening), B.Q.F.N.C.

3. Recommend viewing of Carl and Gloria on You Tube.

This viewing exposes students to Carl Rogers’ client-centred

approach to counselling clients

Week 9: -Review of weeks 1-8

-Sharing Circle: Reflecting the Changes in our lives

Weeks 10-13 -Practicing and Evaluating Basic Interviewing Skills

Resources:

1. Basic Attending Skills, Ivey & Gluckstern

2. Native American Motivational Interviewing, Venner, Feldstein & Tafoya

Week 14 -Sharing Circle:

Students share their experiences of the self-transformation process and how

these changes have impacted personal and professional relationships.

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Declaration of the Council of Elders for

The FNAHEC1 Indigenous Social Work Program

Approved: October 2002

Our Vision: Communities Living in a Sacred Manner We, as the Indigenous peoples of this land, have a fundamental responsibility to maintain balanced and harmonious relationships with all forms of life; We hold in reverence all that Mother Earth has given us; We recognize that our sacred knowledge is carried in our languages, our ceremonies and the gifts of Creation; We possess a fundamental right to meet our sacred responsibility of raising our children in a manner so that they will fulfill their sacred responsibility of conducting their lives in a harmonious manner; We recognize that we have a responsibility to protect tribal protocols that are used in the transfer of sacred knowledge; We recognize that our sacred ways ensure our survival; and We recognize that the survival of the collective is critical to ensuring that individuals are able to fulfill their sacred responsibilities and thus achieve a state of personal well-being. Therefore, we agree and commit ourselves as Elders and members of our Nations to respectfully work together to fulfill our fundamental responsibility to: Ensure that our sacred ways are sustained through:

Speaking our languages; Conducting our ceremonies; and Living in good relationship with our families, clans, tribes, and all of Creation.

The Council of Elders is a body that possesses the authority to protect the sacred ways of our people. This authority has been transferred through the generations and honours sacred ways of knowing.

The mandate of the Council of Elders is to ensure that the FNAHEC Indigenous Social Work Program graduates people who will practice social work in a manner true to our sacredness.

1 The Indigenous Social Work Program is a collaborative initiative of the members of the First Nations Adult and Higher

Education Consortium.

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Attachment 1

ASSIGNMENT Practicing Mindfulness

This assignment is intended to help you gain insight about yourself in the context of your family of creation as well as your family of origin. We encourage you to explore a stressful situation involving you and your child. For those of you who are not parents, replace the child with a partner, sibling, parent, etc. and adapt the assignment to reflect this adult to adult relationship. Two student responses to this assignment are part of this attachment as examples of how to complete the assignment. The first (Sample A) involves a parent-child interaction. The second (Sample B) is an example of 2 adults living together as a couple.

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PRACTICING MINDFULNESS

The Difficult Child as my Teacher

This assignment requires you to focus on the one child (or adult) who manages ‘to push your buttons’ and thus gets you worked up ‘emotionally speaking’. Use your relationship with this child (or person) to gain more insight about yourself and explore the self-change you need to engage in to help you connect more effectively by responding (you choose an appropriate behavioral response) rather than reacting (your emotions dictate your behavioral response) to the child’s inappropriate behavior. Follow the format outlined below and read the attached sample to help you with this process.

1) Situational Context (Who, What, When, Where, Why)

In a brief paragraph, describe or outline the circumstances involving you, the child, and any other players.

2) Triggers (External and Internal). The trigger can be BOTH external and internal.

The internal trigger refers to your emotional state prior to the situational context. For example, of you left home in an ‘uptight mood’ because of a fight with a co-worker, your thoughts and emotions may be focused on this experience; therefore, you may be in a ‘sour mood’ when you return home. Emotional states can therefore be either positive or negative depending on the quality of your family relationships or the quality of your work experience. External triggers refer to the child’s behaviors that pushed your buttons. What did he/she say that got you ‘worked up’? What negative behaviors did he/she engage in?

3) Physiological Response

Under stress the body produces cortisol and adrenaline, chemicals that can contribute to a fight/flight/freeze response. As the brain stem controls reflexive responses, your body may respond with an accelerated heartbeat, high blood pressure, tense muscles, changed breathing pattern, sweating, a rise in body temperature, etc. Monitor your bodily response. In terms of your body’s arousal continuum (calm , alert, alarm , fear, terror), identify your arousal level.

4) Self-Talk

What do you say to yourself every time this child acts up? It Is ok – in this assignment – to confess that you actually entertained a few choice swear words to describe how you were feeling at that particular point in time. It’s very important that you bring to consciousness the self-talk you typically engage in, more so under stress.

5) Emotions

Which feelings come to the fore? Anger? Anger is usually a secondary response as underlying anger is a mixture of other feelings that are already being contaminated by your internal trigger or mood prior to this encounter. Underlying anger are such feelings as annoyance, irritation, hurt, grief, etc.

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6) Behavioral Response

What was your first behavioral response to this child’s negative behavior? Did you ignore him/her because you weren’t too sure how to handle him/her? Did you order him/her to leave the room? Did you respond in a verbally/emotionally aggressive manner?

7) The Effect of your Behavior on the Child

How did your response affect the child? How did the child, in turn, respond to you? How did your response change over a period of time?

8) Family of Origin Insight

a) What does this child’s behavior and your response remind you of when you were ap-proximately his/her age, especially as it pertains to the way your parents responded to you or your siblings? Any similarities between your response and your parenting style or your parents’ parenting style?

b) What is the connection between the child’s negative behavior and the anxiety in the family environment due to stress generated by addiction, marital conflict, fundamental-ist belief systems, rigid authoritarian parenting style, …?

9) Self Reflection

What insights about yourself did this child pass on to you? How did you change? (end)

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SAMPLE “A” (student response to assignment PRACTICING MINDFULNESS, used with permission)

The Difficult Child as My Teacher

Incident My eight year old son and I were doing his homework. He was getting very frustrated. I was calmly explaining to him what he need to do and he jumped out of this chair, threw his pencil at the wall and threw his chair. Trigger My trigger in this situation was when he threw his chair. Bodily Reaction I believe my brain stem totally kicked in at this time. I was shaky as my body was very tense. Self-Talk What the f…..? I did not understand this sudden outburst. Emotions I was angry because I thought he was freaking out for nothing. I was also kind of scared for his lack of control. My behavior I am actually very proud of my behavior in this situation. I told (my son) to get to his room and I followed him shortly after (2 minutes). I told him that he seemed very upset and asked if there is something else bothering him. He told me that he hated school and that he is going to run away so he won’t have to go anymore. At this point he seemed very reluctant to talk to me about this. I went over all of his school subjects with him and he said he really liked all of them except for math (he said he only half liked it) and that he didn’t like recess. Then I knew it wasn’t the schoolwork that he didn’t like, he was having trouble with his friends. He finally confided to me that he was kicked out of his group of friends and had nobody to play with. He also told me of a kid that is not very nice to him. Effect on Family After our talk (my son) seemed much more lighthearted. I believe that this made me truly aware that his outward actions are due to his inward emotions. Family of Origin I normally would have probably yelled at him, because that’s what I was taught through my childhood. Self-Reflection I cannot imagine how it would have felt to him if I would have yelled at him and punished him. He obviously had a lot going on inside of himself and if I would have added to that it could have been really negative for him. Another reason I was more sensitive to this situation is that the boys spent the night before with their dad. I was not sure if his leaving earlier that day was what was bothering my son (which also could have definitely been part of it as well). I am just so happy for all the things I have learned so far because this situation had a good ending and it could have been so much worse if I had not listened to him.

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SAMPLE “B” (student response to assignment PRACTICING MINDFULNESS, used with permission)

A Situation Involving My Boyfriend

Incident My boyfriend John came home from work one night and told me that we had to have a discussion. He is a dispatcher for a company in Elk Point, and has worked there for 2-3 years now. He sat me down on the couch and explained this new project that E Can just got a contract for. This new contract happens to be in Seal Lake, which is about seven hours North of St. Paul. His boss at the office informed him that they needed a dispatcher for this new project. Trigger John’s boss had offered him the job in Seal Lake. John wanted to know what I thought about the idea of him working up North, away from home. Bodily Reaction As he began explaining this new contract to me, I was anticipating what he was going to ask me. My body was quickly growing tense, and I could feel heat and emotions running through my body. Self-Talk On one hand, all I could think of was, “How could you do this to me?! How could you do this to us, when we have been discussing taking the next step in our relationship and moving in together. How could you just leave?” On the other hand, I also knew that this wasn’t a decision that I could make for him. I kept telling myself that I had to be rational, and think of this situation from him point of view. Emotions I was angry and hurt because I always knew that I didn’t want a relationship with someone that wasn’t available to be around when we needed each other. My emotions were quickly beginning to overcome me and I began to cry. My Behavior I told John that I wasn’t sure if I was ready to continue with the conversation at this time. I told him that I felt that I needed to think things over by myself before I could discuss them with him. I did this because I wanted to try and get a hold of my emotions, so that I wasn’t so emotionally reactive. His Behavior He agreed that it was probably best to continue discussing it at a later time. He wanted to get more of the details so that we could both make better informed decisions. He told me that my opinion mattered when it came to his final decision and if we really could both not agree, then he would decline the offer. He was very supportive and comforting towards my emotional feelings.

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Effect On Family I gave myself some time to think things over a little more rationally. John and I continued the conversation a few days later. At this time he had obtained more information on what this offer all entailed. Although I was still a bit emotional, we were able to have a more stable conversation. We were able to weigh the pros and cons of him working away from home, and we both conveyed our true feelings about it. John was given the chance to try out this new position in Seal Lake, with the option of coming home after one shift and returning to his normal position. He has been gone now for eight days and is scheduled to return home tomorrow. I survived just fine without him for this shift and am comforted by the fact that he is very excited to come home! Family of Origin Insight During the time between our two conversations I thought hard about why I was so upset about his option to work away from home. I got in touch with my true feelings and found that the biggest problem was that I was scared. I was scared that he didn’t have any hesitations about leaving home, and I was scared that he wouldn’t miss me while he was gone. I know now that I was scared that he was abandoning me. Because I often felt abandonment from my mother, in my childhood, it was my automatic response to be angry and defensive to hide my fear that he was going to abandon me also. Self-Reflection I see this experience as a test of my differentiation level. My automatic response was to allow my fear of abandonment to cause me to fuse with John. After careful thought and consideration, I knew that this was not the path I wanted to take. I am proud of myself for letting go of my fear, and I was rewarded by the way John expressed that he did miss me and that it was difficult for him to be away. It helped me see that just because he is gone away from home, does not mean that his feelings are gone as well. I am working hard at becoming my own person and I feel that this was an important step for me to take. Along with continuing to work on differentiation, I would also like to continue working hard on being less emotionally reactive when faced with certain situations.

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Attachment 2 All the scenarios in the following exercises reflect the realities shared by students at BQFNC. Assignment: Students are encouraged to first respond as they would under normal circumstances (i.e. prior to learning the skill of reflective listening). Next, they respond with empathy and engage in a discussion of observed differences.

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Assignment A PARAPHRASING SKILLS – SPOUSAL INTERACTION

Instructions: Assume you are at the receiving end of the following messages from your partner. Respond with empathy: reflective listening skills that verbally summarize what your partner just communicated to you while also identifying his/her feelings.

1. “I hate it when your parents visit and spend a whole weekend as we always end up angry

at each other and give each other the silent treatment for a whole damn week.”

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2. “You have no business hanging around with friends who are either single or divorced,

especially because they all like to drink. You seem to forget you’re married and have two

little kids who need you as a parent. And the ones that are divorced? They cheated on

their spouses even though they have kids.”

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3. “All you do is golf, golf, golf or bingo, bingo, bingo. Every damn weekend, and I’m left at

home alone to take care of our kids and do all the chores. I feel like a single parent.”

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4. “No wonder we’re stressed out. All your money goes into gambling and what little I earn

pays the bills. I’m tired of just surviving from one paycheck to the next.”

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5. “I’m just fed up. I refuse to cook, do the dishes and all the chores. I quit!”

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6. “Now that I’m in school full time, I worry that I may not have enough time to do all my

homework on weekends as you usually disappear with your friends and leave me alone

with the kids.”

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7. Your partner – in an agitated state – says to you, “I’m worried we will lose our car as we

won’t be able to make the payments now that I’m laid off.”

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8. Your partner complains that ever since you heard that your mum came down with breast

cancer (3 months), “Our sex life has gone to hell. If I can’t get it at home, I may as well

look for it elsewhere.” (As the wife at the receiving end of this response, you may choose

to respond with an “I” statement OR Reflective Listening.)

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9. “How come you are always helping out your family members financially when you can

see that we are in desperate need of a bigger and better vehicle for our family?”

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10. “What’s life going to be like without you? Ever since you came down with lung cancer,

I’ve had sleepless nights. How are our 5 and 7 year old going to cope? How am I going to

cope as a single parent?”

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11) Boy, your brothers and sisters piss me off. They do f… all and then when they need

money, they get your mom to call me and ask me for money. If I say “no”, I end up being

the “f…..g bitch.”

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12) Your mother-in-law calls to talk to your husband; however, as he is not at home, you

answer the phone to let her know her son is away. She responds as follows: “Well, I

called to ask him for $100 to help buy groceries for the family. The kids are hungry and

there’s no food in the house”. Knowing she’s a gambling addict, and – based on past

behavior – knowing that she will blow the money on slots, you say to her, “I’m sorry,

I don’t have $100”. Her response: “You cheap bitch” and she hangs up. What would you

say to your husband when he comes home?

If you are the husband, what would your empathetic response sound like?

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Assignment B: REFLECTIVE LISTENING SKILLS

Child - Parent Interaction

Respond as if you are the parent in each of these situations. Your response must demonstrate an understanding of the use of reflective listening skills.

1. You are a step-parent and your 7 year old step-child says to you, “I wish my mom/dad

were here to put me to bed instead of you”

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2. Since your partner is away on business for the weekend, you as the step-parent are stuck

with the task of supervising your 10 year old step-child’s weekend chore of vacuuming

the living room. When you point to an area, he missed vacuuming, he says to you “I hate

you. I don’t have to listen to you. You’re not my parent.” He stops vacuuming and

storms away to his bedroom.

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3. Your 5 year old step-child is crying after he/she has just returned from a weekend visit

with the separated biological parent. While crying, he/she keeps repeating, “I wish I

could stay with my mommy/daddy. I hate it here.”

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4. After a 1 week stay with the grandparents, your 8 year old and 10 year old both ap-

proach you (mom and dad) and say, “mommy, daddy, can Kokum and Mosom move in

with us please?”

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5. You’re in a hurry to get to bingo on time. You plan to drop your 5 year old daughter off

at your older sister’s place. She is in a relationship with a man who is 10 years older and

an alcoholic. Your 5 year old daughter is crying and pleading with you, “Mommy please,

please take me with you; don’t leave me at aunties.” You are annoyed and upset, as

you’re running late.

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6. Your brother (27 years) committed suicide 2 months ago. Your 10 year old son, who

looked up to his Uncle, is sitting alone in his room looking sad and teary-eyed. As you

approach him he wipes away a tear and says “Why did Uncle John hang himself?”

Or

“I feel like I want to die” ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

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7. Your 12 year old son returns from school, throws his backpack on the floor, and in a

voice filled with frustration says “I hate school.”

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8. You’ve been separated now for 2 years, and your 7 year old son catches you completely

off guard when he says to you “Are you and daddy ever gonna get together?”

OR … “I wish I had a daddy like the other kids in my class” (kids in class were making Father’s Day cards on this day).

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9. Your 8 year old daughter witnesses your new boyfriend pushing you and telling you to

“F…. off” earlier in the day. At bedtime she says to you, “Mommy, I’m scared of John. Do

you have to go out with him?”

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10. Your 12 year old daughter who has been your main support while you were separated

for the past 2 years says to you (now that you are dating for the past week), “Life was so

nice without a man to worry about. Why do you have to spoil everything by having a

new boyfriend?”

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Attachment 3

This final essay (integration paper) assignment is an example of the profound changes students experience by the end of this course. A student gave permission to include her mindfulness practice (which focuses on her relationship with her mother, Parts A and B) to illustrate the profound changes this relationship has undergone. (This student is diagnosed with bi-polar illness and was using multiple medications at the beginning of her studies. She achieved her goal of managing her bi-polar disorder without medications of any sort and remains medication free a year after her studies concluded.)

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Attachment 3, PART A

(Student response to assignment – PRACTICING MINDFULNESS) The Difficult Person as my Teacher

Situational Context: I am visiting my mom, I haven’t done so in a long time, she cries as soon as she sees me, which annoys me but I put it behind me and we just continue on with the visit. She asks me about how things are going with me and I tell her I’m on new medications, etc. She says she doesn’t know why I have ‘these problems’ but she thinks it’s because I have low self-esteem. She says she doesn’t know why I have low self-esteem because she says she always tried to build us up when we were kids. Triggers: Internal: I’m extremely anxious about the fact that I am going to have to go back to work in October as I just took a sort of forced leave after an I’ll just say episode. My mom is a huge trigger, so I am always extra wound up. External: She says when we were growing up she always tried to ‘build us up.” Physiological Response: I clench my jaw hard enough to taste blood (to keep myself from screaming or from vomit coming out?), my fists are balled up, I can hear my heart pounding in my head, I am sweating and feeling nauseous. My arms and legs are numb. I close my eyes because vision is blurred. Self-Talk: You got to be fucking kidding me. Yellow fucking lights. You stupid fucking bitch. Slow down, Slow down, Slow down, Slow down, Slow down, Slow down, Slow down, Slow down, Slow down, Slow down, Slow down, Slow down, Slow down, Slow down. (I couldn’t maintain the visual cue of the lights for more than a quarter of a second but I was humming “slow down” to the tune of a song “happy kitty”.) Emotions: The first emotion was just hatred, I wanted to leap from my chair and actually bite her. I don’t know why I wanted to bite here. Maybe because I was clenching my jaw so tight I could taste blood? Behavioral Response: I laughed….it sounded…like an echo….like it wasn’t me laughing, it wasn’t happy laughter, it was something else I don’t know, but I wasn’t angry I just said “really? That is a good thing to do for kids”. I said I had to go and left. Effect on other person: There was no effect really that I could see. She didn’t even say anything even though I was humming out loud. To be honest I couldn’t look at her face, I just had to leave. I am sure however, that she may have wondered why I stayed for less than 2 minutes. I’m sure whatever reason she settled on that it had something to do with the fact that she was a good mom.

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Family of Origin Insight: My older sister called me recently to invite me to Thanksgiving (hilarious since I never attend family functions) but anyways, we start talking and tell her about this ‘building us up” she laughs and she tells me mom has always done that. Mom has always twisted things around in her head until they were unrecognizable, until you were the one apologizing for something that she did. Carol told me a story about how she got into a fist fight with my mom when she was about 13 and mom dicked her out, my mom told me and Diana that it was our fault Carol left. She said my mom was driving down main street with me and Diana bawling, hanging out the winder of the car telling Carol we were sorry, begging her to come back home, telling her we wouldn’t be bad any more. Self-Reflection: There was a hint of sarcasm in the “really?” and I am sure she may have picked up on that, but let’s be honest here, she made up a story about how she was a good mother who “built her children up” (not a mother with a gambling problem, not an alcoholic, not a mother who abused her children and allowed others to abuse her children). So maybe my sarcasm wasn’t really so terrible in the grand scheme of things. Anyways I would have normally just blown up, it would have felt good at the time, to just let loose on her. Until I had a panic attach of course… that would have sucked so, I’m glad I didn’t just let my nervous system take over. I always thought if I didn’t leave there making her HURT that she won (yes, I’m keeping score, and I am losing) but I just realized something in my response. She didn’t win, I didn’t say she built her kids up, I merely stated that it was a good thing to do, so it wasn’t a lie. Also by saying “really?” in a bit of a sarcastic tone maybe she realizes that I know very well that she is full of shit. Unfortunately, I don’t think I won either because I broke out in hives after I left. Maybe I should just stop keeping score. And while this ‘relationship” provides me with endless opportunities to practice coping skills, ‘I’ messages, self-monitoring and all that crap, I think it will also provide me with cancer, ulcers, or a heart attack if I continue the way it is. It takes a hell of a lot of effort and energy to have a two minute visit.

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Attachment 3, PART B (Student response to assignment – INTEGRATION PAPER)

RELATIONSHIP BUILDING (December 2011)

Introduction

I am going to be discussing how my arousal continuum and brain stem were sabotaging

my relationships, what I did about it and how this change has affected my relationships. I will

also be talking about connection bids, and how learning to “turn towards” has supported me to

improve my relationships. Lastly I will be exploring how being aware of communication tools

such as reflective listening and I messages can changed the way I interact with those around me.

Arousal continuum

While learning about the arousal continuum I discovered I was always at alarm and

ruled by my brain stem. I would either have a panic attack or disassociate in any conflict or

perceived conflict. In fact, I couldn’t visit my mother without having a panic attack, making it

impossible to talk to her or have a meaningful relationship. I started learning about how to

regain control of my thinking brain, and how to calm myself down with your visualization

technique. Visualizing flashing yellow lights signaling me to calm down, while humming “calm

down” in my head allowed me to calm myself so I could, respond with my thinking brain rather

than react with my brain stem. I was told this is re-wiring my brain, and I believe it has worked,

I do not have to use the technique every visit anymore. I visit my mom three times per week on

average which is amazing considering I would go for months without seeing her. We can have

conversations and now that I have regained control I actually enjoy her company.

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Connection Bids

While learning about connection bids I discovered that I did a lot of turning away, I grew

up with turning away, so it was easy to just do it the way I knew how. Since my normal reaction

is to turn away I tried to be mindful of what I was saying when I turn away. “When you turn

away, you are saying: I'm not interested in what you have to say, I'm too busy to pay attention

to you, I'd rather avoid the topic and I have other things on my mind." (Types of connection bids

handout, pg. 4). Perhaps even more important than what turning away says, is what is does to

people." Effect of Turning Away: Hurt because of being ignored, loss of confidence and self-

esteem, feels defeated, children feel lonely in their emotions, self-talk - "why bother, it's no use",

and habitual turning away leads to a pattern of attack-defend behavior…" (Types of connection

bids handout, pg. 4).

I find now, it is much easier for me to turn towards, because I know what I am really saying to

the other person. “When you turn towards others, you're saying: I hear you, I'm interested in

you, I'm on your side, I'm prepared to listen even if I disagree, and I would like to help" (Types

of connection bids handout, pg. 3). I have noticed that both my relationship with my husband as

well as my mother have improved. With my husband, my turning towards is being mirrored by

him, when I turn towards him, he responds with the same. This has really opened the lines of

communication. With my mother, just like with my husband she is mirroring my behavior in her

relationship with me.

Reflective Listening

My mother has been on disability due to an injury for many years. She was applying for

AISH and was very distraught over a comment in her file from a doctor stating she had “mild”

pain. She was very upset and crying and I wanted her to feel better. I was able to help using only

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listening skills. She told me what was happening and I reflected her feelings back to her,

paraphrased and summarized. Some statements I used were: “I can see that you’re very angry

with the doctor for stating your pain was mild, and you feel frustrated because you have been

seeing him for a long time and are on a lot of medications to treat your pain, which you would

not need if your pain was mild”. “You seem to be feeling discouraged, because you think his

comment will affect the board’s decision in regards to granting you AISH, is that right”?

Although I offered her no advice and merely reflected her feelings, paraphrased and

summarized she was smiling after we were done speaking. She thanked me for listening and

said that she felt a lot better. I was really surprised that she could feel better even though I

didn’t give her any solutions to her problem. Before learning about listening skills I would have

offered her advice right away, or dismissed her feelings by telling her “it’s one doctor saying

that, big deal”, which would have shut her down and made her feel worse. Probably the most

astonishing thing for me was the fact that I cared about her enough to actually want to help.

That certainly would not have been the case last year.

I messages

I messages were something that I really enjoyed. It was certainly not something I was

used to doing, nor was my family. I think the highlight for me was when I was visiting my

parents. I said “When you guys fight and argue in front of me, I feel really uncomfortable and

anxious and that it makes it hard to continue to visit”. I then talked to my mom about I-

messages. Later that day she turned to me and said “When you don’t answer your phone when I

call, I feel really hurt, because I feel like you don’t want to have a relationship with me”. That

had been an issue for a really long time between us, and she used to bring it up a lot, it would go

something like “you never answer your phone, why do you hate me?” and I would say “because

I’m busy, and you call me all the time, I have a life, unlike you.” As you can see while we basically

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said the same things, because we used an I-message instead of attacking each other we were

able to actually tell each other how we really felt in situation. This really made me feel like it

was important to her, it was so important to her that she was willing to use an I-message to get

my attention, and it worked. I now answer the phone every time she calls, although I did have to

set a boundary saying that if I say I don’t want to talk that no questions asked she will not force

it. I am happy to say I haven’t had to do that once. She actually calls way less often, we can have

a conversation and we are both happy about that.

Conclusion

In closing I believe that this course has really opened me up and better equipped me to

have successful relationships with the people I care about. I am grateful for the opportunity to

improve these relationships, because not a lot of people get the chance to learn skills to work on

their relationships. Without these skills, I know I would still have highly conflictual

relationships and some would be estranged. I always thought that wouldn’t have been such a

bad idea but I think something you have said keeps telling me otherwise “ We are wired to

connect”, and I certainly see that now. (end)

Documents

Blue Quills First Nations College SWK 200 …€¦ · · 2015-09-07Grading Scale Blue Quills First Nations College utilizes the following Four Point Grading System: Letter Grade