Bringing the dead to life.

Telling stories, constructing legacies and re-membering in

grief counsellingLorraine Hedtke MSW, LCSW, PhD

California State University San Bernardino

A Narrative PerspectiveWe live through storiesPeople are brought to life through

storiesWe are spoken into existenceA person’s stories do not die

How We Talk MattersOur talk can disconnect us from

those who have diedOr -- We can bring the dead to life again

Your Professional RoleTo be a story-tellerTo be a listener to storiesTo ensure the words of the dead to

not die with themTo look after the stories of the deadTo bring a person back to life

through story

Donna“I think I am going half-nuts”Took care of her father Ernie for

many yearsShared love of gardeningTalked about loosing her “best

friend”

The Story of Grief Psychology

The relationship was overShe should get over her sadnessGrief is a journeyMove towards acceptanceGrieve properlyGrief is like an illness to get overLet go

FreudDecathexisRemoving attachment is the goal of

grievingHis assumptions created norms for

grievingLittle possibility to grieve differently

The Effect of These Assumptions

Stories that connect us to the dead are squeezed out

Talking about the dead becomes suspect

Being “in denial”Complicated grief

My AssumptionsModern grief psychology has

mistakenly:Separated the living from the

deadEncouraged people to move onSet tasks or stagesRequired letting goValued acceptance of lossCuts off emotional resources

• This produces more pain

Talking to the DeadIs very commonIs driven undergroundHas to be kept secret

The effect of the dominant story on Donna

There must be something wrong with her

Not adjusting to realityNot completing unfinished

businessUnable to find closure

The Idea of IntroductionA relational practiceThe dead cannot introduce

themselvesWe can speak on their behalf

A Narrative ApproachUse the power of introductionFocus on the on-going life of storiesFold stories into lifeMake new meaningsHold on to the best of relationshipsGrief is about two people

Where Donna started“I thought it (our relationship) was

over. And that was it. It was over. And I had to move on with it being over and I didn’t want to. And I fought it and I went half way nuts. I would find myself driving where I didn’t know where I was going. I was not keeping my house done. It was insane.”

My Questions to DonnaIntroduce me to your father.What did it mean to have him as

your father?How was he with others?Tell me about a time of special

connection.What did you learn from him?

The Effect of this on Donna

She built a new story of her fatherHis memory inspired herShe had a sense of him walking with

her through hardshipsShe restored memoriesShe found other places to talk about

himShe developed rituals of connection

In Donna’s Words“… in the group we learned that it’s not over. It’s

changed, but it’s not over. Not that you are going to forget the loved ones, not that you’re going to discount them at all, but to step back into the world and share them because they are coming through you. You have to share them. Some of the silly nonsense that my dad did with his Christmas stocking - how he would put vegetables in our stockings to tease us. I start thinking about the fun things we did at Christmas. And the traditions that my mother did that we have carried on and that I will continue to carry on.”

 

Donna

Martha’s storyWhen the bereaved has no memory

of the deadMartha’s father died when she was

13He had been away for many yearsShe remembered littleNo one spoke of him after he died

In the Bereavement GroupMartha was hesitant to speakPeople might judge her fatherHe had been in prison for drugsHer mother had divorced himHe was brutally murdered

Changing “I only had nine pictures. It was all I had

of the physical things I have of him. I started to feel like there was more to him that I wanted to know. So I thought, ‘I have an auntie who’s alive, his sister. I have an uncle who’s alive, his brother.’ There’s a whole new world out there. Like more to him.”

What Introduction Meant to Martha

Desire to connect with her father

Learn multiple storiesGrow new relationship with her

father’s family

Meeting her father’s family

“So I actively went out, that was actually very hard too, cause I hadn’t spoke to them in so many years. Since my dad’s death, it was kind of hard, difficult for my uncle. OK, so where do we start from here. That’s our connection, my/our father. When we made that connection, it was a holiday. It was nice that it was a holiday there was food and people gathering to be thankful anyway. So it was a good opportunity. What I am so glad or happy about – I guess I had some anticipation about how they were going to receive us or how were going to feel – but once we were there, I felt comfortable. I felt the love that was there.”

Remembering him“I remember sharing with them [her father’s

family] that all these years, that I felt like I was the only one who remembered him, because I didn’t have nobody (sic) to talk to about him. I always had him in my heart, but I felt like I was the only one, because everybody moved on with their life and nobody thinks about him and nobody cares and nobody talked about him. Life goes on. And so when I met them, and I saw my Auntie again, we just automatically just bringing him up. It was kind of like reassuring for me. I thought, ‘People do remember him’. And he is remembered.”

The Effects for MarthaJoyful family reunionHer father came alive for herHis voice lived with her“I think bringing him back to life kind of

allowed him, I guess, for his voice to be heard - its kind of odd how that happens when you are talking about a person and all of a sudden when you start sharing about them – its bringing their voice back, kind of.”

Might this be Disturbing?“I do think that I did cry more. Probably during

those six weeks, but it wasn’t like crying for depression. It was like crying for joy. I think in the beginning I did feel a sadness I think cause I missed him and I wish I could have him physically. Like I could touch him. At the same time, it was just tears that ‘I am so happy, Dad, to have you around. I am so happy that I don’t have to give you up. I am so happy that I don’t have to keep you in my box (with my pictures). I am so happy that I can just talk to you whenever I want. That I can pull you out whenever’. Those tears were good tears.”

Martha’s father Ricky

A Third Kind of Introduction

Introducing the dead to new peopleTook place at a workshopInterviewed Kirby Audience of about 50 counselors

listening

The Story of Kirby & BeahBeah died when she was 16 years oldYoung woman who was full of lifeTook a stand on issuesStood up for othersClose connection to her brother Kirby’s son and moon

Effect on the AudienceInvited into a sacred placeDeeply moved by Kirby’s

introduction of BeahTheir own lives are transformed

Facilitating the Audience’s responses

I spoke about how meeting Beah impacted on me

Michael White referred to this as ‘transport’

Asked the audience how they were transported

How has your life been changed as a result?

I asked Kirby how he was impacted by the audience

The Audience’s words“I’ll be going home tonight to the

sun in my life, who is my 16-year-old son, and will be looking at the time I spend with him in a really different way thanks to you and Beah.”

Another woman’s response

“I want to thank Beah for showing me about girls who keep going on. I am really interested in how girls make it and how they have voices and make space for themselves. Every time I read in the paper about a girl dying suddenly, I feel like another light has gone off. Now I am seeing that is not the way it is—it doesn’t have to be that way. So now I feel safer.”

And still another’s response

“Thank you for sharing your daughter. I am also a counselor and just the way that she stood up for others who didn’t have a voice. I’m a coordinator of our Bully Prevention Program. It is so nice to see girls, like your daughter, who have voices, standing up to help those who don’t have voices. I’d like to share her story with students, if that’s OK with you?”

Kirby’s Response“Remembering . . . Appreciated . . .

Feels good to share. Feels great! I want to shout “Beah” from the rooftops. The last thing I want to do is move on. That doesn’t make sense to me.”

Beah – Kirby’s Sun!

Concluding CommentsWe can bring the dead to lifeIntroductions can be life changingLost stories can be reclaimedThe dead can be introduced to new

peopleNo need to concentrate on lossInstead hold stories closeIntroduction retains relationship