By Craig Sodaro

© Copyright 2011, Pioneer Drama Service, Inc.

Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that a royalty must be paid for every

performance, whether or not admission is charged. All inquiries regarding rights should be addressed to Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., PO Box 4267, Englewood, CO 80155.

All rights to this play—including but not limited to amateur, professional, radio broadcast, television, motion picture, public reading and translation into foreign languages—are controlled by Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., without whose permission no performance, reading or presentation of any kind in whole or in part may be given.

These rights are fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America and of all countries covered by the Universal Copyright Convention or with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations, including Canada, Mexico, Australia and all nations of the United Kingdom.

COPYING OR REPRODUCING ALL OR ANY PART OF THIS BOOK

IN ANY MANNER IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN BY LAW.

On all programs, printing and advertising, the following information must appear:

1. The full name of the play2. The full name of the playwright3. The following notice: “Produced by special arrangement with

Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., Englewood, Colorado”

For preview only

ii

INVASION OF THE STUDENT BODY SNATCHERS

By CRAIG SODARO

CAST OF CHARACTERS(In Order of Appearance)

# of lines

WYNONA DEGRASSI ........... popular student; thinks everyone 91should worship her

JENNA CARR ...................... Wynona’s friend and partner for 54the science fair

HEATHER SWINTON ............ another friend of Wynona’s and 40partner for the science fair

JACK HESTON .................... Wynona’s jealous boyfriend; 67worships her

BRUCE BERGER ................. Jack’s friend 42AGGIE FERRIS .................... new student; has a 4.0 and is in 110

the National Honor Society, etc.CHRISTINA RIGGS .............. Aggie’s friend and partner for the 51

science fairTRACY TAYLOR ................... another friend of Aggie’s and 53

partner for the science fairMR. MERRIDEW ................. principal 50DORA DICKENS .................. librarian 56WILEY LINCOLN .................. social studies teacher 41TIFFY KATZ ......................... a.k.a. Offi cer Clingly, an under- 73

cover cop; not the brightest bulbMUFFY STILES ................... a.k.a. Offi cer Worthington, 62

Clingly’s partner; also somewhatdimwitted

DRAKA .............................. leader of an invasion squad from 49planet Vesperon

HYDRA .............................. Draka’s partner 41NORMA CONSTELLA ........... Vesperonian mother 41LEO CONSTELLA................. Vesperonian father 43CASSIE CONSTELLA ........... their daughter, a student 101ORRY CONSTELLA .............. her older brother, a student 187NELDA BUCKETS ................ custodian 2MACARONI ......................... Tony Marconi, a student 40ZOLTAN BEARD................... Tony’s best friend 35ZELDA ............................... another custodian 9

For preview only

iii

SETTINGThe lobby of Howe High School. Wing entrances are LEFT and RIGHT. LEFT leads to other rooms in the school including the gym. RIGHT leads to the main entrance of the school. A door marked “Offi ce” is UP LEFT. Several comfortable chairs sit in front of the offi ce. Two small tables and chairs sit DOWN RIGHT. Part of a hallway wall with lockers is visible UP LEFT. These can just be painted since they will not have to be opened. A bulletin board on UPSTAGE wall holds various notices. The two largest read “Science Fair, Saturday, 8 a.m. to 4 p.m.” Someone has stapled a smaller poster to the bottom of it reading “Be there if you’re square.” An even larger poster proclaims “Winter Wonderland Dance, Saturday Night.”

SYNOPSIS OF SCENES

ACT ONEScene One: The school lobby, Monday after school.Scene Two: The same, Tuesday after school.Scene Three: A hallway in the school, Wednesday morning, played

before the curtain.Scene Four: The school lobby, Thursday after school.

ACT TWOScene One: The school lobby, Friday morning.Scene Two: In front of the school, Saturday afternoon, played before

the curtain.Scene Three: The school lobby, Saturday night at 8:30.

For preview only

NOTE: PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS

iv

Invasio

n o

f the S

tudent B

ody S

natc

hers

- Set D

esig

n

For preview only

1

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

INVASION OF THE STUDENT BODY SNATCHERS

ACT ONEScene One

AT RISE: The school lobby, Monday after school. NELDA mops the fl oor. As she works, she mops around kids as they ENTER and EXIT. WYNONA, JENNA, and HEATHER stand at RIGHT looking OFF RIGHT at something. As they watch, they each put on makeup.WYNONA: Now what are they doing out there?JENNA: They look like they’re getting ready for a barbecue!HEATHER: But it’s winter! And they don’t have a barbecue! And, gosh,

I don’t even see any hot dogs! (JACK and BRUCE ENTER LEFT. JACK whistles.)

WYNONA: Well, look who’s here! Basketball practice over already?JACK: We got late practice tonight.BRUCE: Yeah! Stupid girls got early practice.HEATHER: I resent that, Bruce! There are just as many stupid guys

as girls.BRUCE: But they don’t got early practice!WYNONA: Well, while you’re waiting, you can help us with our science

project.JACK: Whaddaya think, Bruce, a couple of Marie Curies?BRUCE: She that dame that makes those frozen dinners?JENNA: Madame Curie discovered radium.BRUCE: Yeah? Well, who listens to the radio anymore?WYNONA: Jack, Bruce is completely hopeless. Why do you hang

around with him?JACK: He makes me look brilliant by comparison!BRUCE: What else are friends for? (A beat, then angrily.) Hey, wait a

minute!JACK: So you said you need some help?WYNONA: Yeah! Look at us. Whose makeup do you fi nd more alluring?

(The GIRLS stand in a line and smile.) Mine? Jenna’s? Heather’s?JACK: Gosh, alluring, huh?BRUCE: What’s alluring mean?WYNONA: Irresistible.JACK: And this is a science project?JENNA: We’re trying to fi nd out which makeup boys like best.BRUCE: Gosh, I don’t use any makeup.

For preview only

2

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

JENNA: On girls, bonehead!WYNONA: This is my fi rst step towards getting into a good fashion

design school. I’ve got to have some solid academic achievements on my resume.

HEATHER: Winning the science fair will look very academic.WYNONA: So, whose makeup is more alluring?JACK: Yours, baby. Whatever you did to your face, keep doing it!WYNONA: (Writes.) I assume I can quote you on that?JACK: Absolutely!JENNA: How about you, Bruce? Whose makeup is more alluring?BRUCE: Ms. Winkle’s.JENNA: She’s a teacher!BRUCE: So? She’s still hot!WYNONA: Oh, brother! (LIGHTS FLASH.)JACK: Hey! Who’s playing with the lights? (AGGIE, CHRISTINA and TRACY

ENTER RIGHT. They are each wearing a wrap made of aluminum foil or other strange material. While CHRISTINA and TRACY are dressed conventionally, AGGIE wears jeans and a western shirt.)

AGGIE: Gosh! Is it always so cold in this town?WYNONA: Well, look who blew in off the farm.CHRISTINA: Hi, Wynona.JACK: (Laughs at their foil wraps.) Gee, speaking of fashion design…JENNA: Are those the latest thing down on Old MacDonald’s?TRACY: We’re working on our science fair project.HEATHER: Gosh, so are we!AGGIE: You’re doing a project?WYNONA: (Insulted.) Yes, we’re doing a project!CHRISTINA: I didn’t know there’s a category for bimbos.JENNA: Looks to me like the real bimbos stand outside wearing

aluminum foil and freezing.AGGIE: This isn’t aluminum foil. It’s a space blanket… guaranteed

to keep you cool in temperatures up to 120 degrees and warm in temperatures down to 50 below.

TRACY: Except it doesn’t really work until it gets to 50 below.AGGIE: Well, we’ll fi nd the perfect insulation.JENNA: Insulation? Can you get any more boring than that?AGGIE: It’s a very green project.WYNONA: Well, you’ll be green with envy when we win!

For preview only

3

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

MERRIDEW: (ENTERS UP LEFT from offi ce.) Kids! What are you still doing at school? The bell rang 20 minutes ago.

WYNONA: We’re working on our science fair projects, Mr. Merridew.MERRIDEW: I’m glad you’re all so dedicated. Ms. Ferris, how are you

liking it here at Howe High?AGGIE: There’s sure a lot more going on here than at my old school.WYNONA: Those one-room school houses can be sooooooo boring.MERRIDEW: Now, Ms. DeGrassi, we need to make our new students

feel at home, don’t we?TRACY: Besides, you didn’t go to a one-room school, did you, Aggie?AGGIE: (Sarcastic.) Heck no! We had two rooms and a coat closet.DORA: (Bustles ON LEFT.) Mr. Merridew! Mr. Merridew! It’s happened

again!JACK: What happened?DORA: The Howe High Library has been robbed!HEATHER: Gosh, who’d want to steal a book?CHRISTINA: Heather, some books are worth thousands.BRUCE: Sure! A picture’s worth a thousand words, right?DORA: Well, it wasn’t a book that was stolen. It was more of the

Lavinia Culpepper collection!MERRIDEW: Oh, I wish that old lady hadn’t willed all her papers to

Howe High! They take up the entire storage room.JACK: If somebody’s stealing the stuff, you’ll have a lot more room.DORA: That isn’t the point, Mr. Heston. I haven’t even had time to go

through most of it yet. There could be something important among her papers.

BRUCE: Like a copy of the Delegation of Interdependence?WYNONA: I think you mean the Declaration of Independence, Bruce.BRUCE: Duh! That’s what I said!DORA: Mr. Merridew, you have to do something about this!MERRIDEW: I already have.DORA: What? What have you done?MERRIDEW: Do you have a moment? I’ll tell you in my offi ce.WYNONA/HEATHER/JENNA: Oooooooo! (MERRIDEW and DORA EXIT

UP LEFT.)CHRISTINA: You know, Aggie, maybe we ought to change our project

and fi nd a cure for the common cold.WYNONA: That would be more useful than 101 ways to wear aluminum

foil.

For preview only

NOTE: PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS

4

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

TRACY: We’re trying to fi nd something that will help the Earth.HEATHER: Gosh, so are we! We’re making ourselves more beautiful.JACK: I don’t see how that’s possible.WYNONA: Oh, Jack, you say the sweetest things! Come to my locker

and tell me more. (EXITS LEFT followed by JACK.)BRUCE: (To JENNA and HEATHER.) I can say lots of sweet things, too.HEATHER: Gosh, I’d love to hear them…BRUCE: Chocolate cake, apple pie, caramel custard… (EXITS LEFT

with JENNA and HEATHER.)CHRISTINA: I hope you aren’t sad you moved here, Aggie.AGGIE: Oh, we had a Wynona and Jack in my old school. Don’t worry.TRACY: Too bad we can’t fi nd something to insulate us from them!AGGIE: I guess we’d better try the Styrofoam next.CHRISTINA: Yeah, if we grind it up real fi ne and stuff it in the linings

of our coats, we’ll be like Styrofoam coffee cups.TRACY: And we’ll look like ’em, too! (EXITS LEFT with CHRISTINA and

AGGIE.)DORA: (ENTERS UP LEFT with MERRIDEW.) You sure your plan will

work?MERRIDEW: We’ll fi nd out who’s stealing from that collection if it’s the

last thing we ever do!DORA: That sounds very desperate.MERRIDEW: Desperate is my middle name, Ms. Dickens! (EXITS UP

LEFT.)WILEY: (ENTERS LEFT, carrying a briefcase.) Is that Dora Dickens I

see, or is it Angelina Jolie (or some other movie star)?DORA: Oh, Mr. Lincoln! You are such a tease.WILEY: Have you been a bad girl?DORA: Why no! Whatever gave you that idea?WILEY: You just came out of the principal’s offi ce.DORA: Mr. Merridew’s got a plan to solve the library mystery.WILEY: Are things still disappearing?DORA: Another two folders gone today!WILEY: Hmmmm, maybe you’ve got a ghost.DORA: Oh, don’t say that! It sends shivers down my spine!WILEY: If that’s the case, I know a nice little place with a big, warm

fi re and the best coffee in the world. I’m buying!DORA: (Giggles.) Oh, Mr. Lincoln, how can I say no? (EXITS RIGHT

followed by WILEY. They pass TIFFY and MUFFY ENTERING as they

For preview only

5

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

EXIT. The PAIRS stare at one another as they pass. TIFFY and MUFFY are dressed as 1980s high school students with big hair, leggings, oversized sweaters, etc. Both chew gum.)

TIFFY: This it, Worthington?MUFFY: Yeah, Clingly, home for the next week.TIFFY: Smells like a school.MUFFY: That’s the homework. I always thought it stunk.TIFFY: You’re tellin’ me! I barely passed algebra.MUFFY: That’s nothin’. I barely passed home ec.TIFFY: You’re kiddin’.MUFFY: My cakes never rose, my Jell-O never jelled, and my toast

always burned.TIFFY: Remind me to say no the next time you invite me over for

dinner.MUFFY: Gosh, I wasn’t planning on it.TIFFY: Good! So, you think the big cheese is in his offi ce?MUFFY: Yeah, but where’s the offi ce?TIFFY: What? You fl unked reading, too? O-F-F-I-C-E spells offi ce. It

must be through there.MUFFY: I just didn’t see it, that’s all. (TIFFY knocks on the door.)MERRIDEW: (ENTERS UP LEFT.) Sorry, kids, but I gave at the offi ce.MUFFY: Bless you!TIFFY: I thought this was the offi ce.MERRIDEW: Oh, yes… so it is. But I don’t really have time now for—TIFFY: Then take time! (Whips out her badge.)MERRIDEW: Offi cer Clingly!TIFFY: And this is my partner in crime, so to speak, Offi cer Worthington.MUFFY: But once we stepped into the building, she turned into Tiffy

Katz. I’m Muffy Stiles.MERRIDEW: Oh, I thought maybe you’d go undercover as cafeteria

ladies or something.TIFFY: Students are the heart of the ball game, sir.MUFFY: And we’re here to play hard ball.MERRIDEW: Yes, but you don’t quite look the part.TIFFY: Hey! Hey! Are you sayin’ we’re too old for this job?MERRIDEW: No, it’s not that…MUFFY: Look, Mr. Merridew, we’ve went to a lot of trouble to get just

the right outfi ts.TIFFY: We’ll look just like the rest of the rug rats in the building.

For preview only

6

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

MUFFY: And before you know it, we’ll be hauling the thief out of here in handcuffs.

MERRIDEW: That is what we’d like to see.TIFFY: Look, bub, we’re Tiffy and Muffy, a couple of students from

now on. We want to be treated exactly like every other kid in this building. Got it?

MERRIDEW: All right, then, offi cers, I’ll show you to your lockers. This way… and you’ve got an hour detention for chewing gum. Get rid of it! (EXITS LEFT.)

MUFFY: You and your big mouth, Tiffy! (EXITS LEFT followed by TIFFY. LIGHTS FLASH. SOUND EFFECT: THUNDER. BLACKOUT. LIGHTS UP. DRAKA, HYDRA, NORMA, LEO, CASSIE and ORRY stand at CENTER.)

DRAKA: Well, guys, we made it!NORMA: Necko talecta misca mooba hoo hoo!HYDRA: Hold your horses, lady!LEO: Blipco sassa pippity lobno!DRAKA: Hey! Get with the program, Dudes!HYDRA: You’ve got activated English chips in your memory banks.DRAKA: Use ’em or lose ’em!NORMA: Sorry, Draka.LEO: It’ll take a little getting used to.CASSIE: Yeah! It sounds really weird.ORRY: No way! I’m cool with it.DRAKA: Ah, this is why we chose your family for this mission, Leo.LEO: I really wish you’d call me by my real name.HYDRA: Andislopenspiel Number 1618?ORRY: Nobody on Earth has a name like that, for crying out loud!DRAKA: You, Orry, speak the vernacular with particular aplomb.HYDRA: You make our leader proud!ALL: O. Brother! (ALL cross their chests with both arms in salute.)DRAKA: So, before Hydra and I depart, you will restate your mission

objectives.LEO: We are on a scouting mission.NORMA: We are on Earth to fi nd out if this planet could serve as an

all-inclusive resort for the people of our planet, Vesperon.CASSIE: We are to test the human creatures to see if they have the

potential to serve the Vesperonians who will vacation here.ORRY: And we are to fi nd out how to reprogram humans who resist.NORMA: We are to play the part of an Earthling family.

For preview only

7

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

LEO: Hello, I’m Leo Constella, and this is my wife Norm, my daughter, Cassie, and my son, Orry.

DRAKA: Very good, Leo. And where will you work, Leo?LEO: Work? You said nothing about work!HYDRA: Oops! My bad!DRAKA: Of course, you must work. Earthlings work. You will work at

a bank.LEO: What is a bank?HYDRA: Here is a memory chip that will explain it all to you. (Hands

LEO a small chip to swallow, which he does.)NORMA: Feel better, honey?LEO: Absolutely, but I’m afraid, ma’am, that I am going to have to turn

down your loan. A pet Chihuahua is not considered collateral.DRAKA: Very nice, Leo! And you, Norma, will work at Happy Valley

Preschool.NORMA: I hate kids!CASSIE: You’re telling me!NORMA: I don’t mean my own. But… but… these will be stupid little

Earthlings!CASSIE: I hear they poop in their pants!NORMA: (Horrifi ed.) Ahhhhhh!HYDRA: Here’s your memory chip, Norma. Take it! (NORMA takes the

chip and swallows it.)DRAKA: I’ll bet you’ve changed your tune.NORMA: (Sings.) I’m a little teapot, short and stout. Here is my handle.

Here is my spout.DRAKA: And, Cassie and Orry, you have already taken your chips.CASSIE: A squared plus B squared equals C squared.ORRY: Four score and seven years ago, our forefathers…HYDRA: Excellent!NORMA: But what if something goes wrong?DRAKA: What can go wrong?HYDRA: Your human bodies are immune to cuts, bruises and

irritations. They are unbreakable and impenetrable.LEO: But what if somebody fi nds out about us?HYDRA: Not to worry, Leo! Earthlings have seen fl ying saucers since

the beginning of time, and they still don’t believe it. Just tell people you’re on your way to a Halloween party.

ORRY: Halloween isn’t until October 31.

For preview only

NOTE: PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS

8

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

DRAKA: All right! Then you’re each equipped with a palm clock. Tap your left palm with your fi nger, and time will stop for the Earthlings. If you’re in trouble, you can just disappear.

LEO: Well, I will say it looks like you’ve thought of everything!HYDRA: Thanks to O. Brother.ALL: (Perform the salute.) O. Brother!DRAKA: Now, your return ride will be here at nine o’clock on Saturday

night, Earth time.ORRY: Be there or be square!HYDRA: Exactly, Orry. If you are not right outside ready to go, you will

have to stay for seven more years.NORMA: That’s a scary thought!LEO: Work in a bank for seven years?CASSIE: Come to school here for seven years?DRAKA: You understand then?LEO: Outside this building, Saturday night at nine o’clock.ORRY: Check!NELDA: (ENTERS LEFT, mopping, and backs to CENTER. Sings.) Oh, give

me a home where the buffalo roam, and the deer and the antelope play. Where seldom is heard a discouraging word, and the sky is not cloudy all— (Turns and sees DRAKA and HYDRA, who block the family from her view. She screams loudly and runs OFF RIGHT.)

LEO: Timid little things, aren’t they?DRAKA: We suspect they are weak.HYDRA: And they will make excellent servants!DRAKA: O. Brother!ALL: (Salute.) O. Brother! (LIGHTS FLASH. SOUND EFFECT: THUNDER.

BLACKOUT. LIGHTS UP. DRAKA and HYDRA are OUT.)NORMA: Well, here we are.LEO: Home sweet home.CASSIE: Does it smell in here to you?ORRY: It’s the disinfectant in the bucket.LEO: That creature would make an excellent servant.NORMA: All-inclusive resort, here I come!MERRIDEW: (ENTERS LEFT.) Excuse me, did you hear somebody

scream?NORMA: It was just me. I was practicing my opera singing. (Sings a

terrible scale.)MERRIDEW: Oh, yes, well… what can I do to help you?

For preview only

9

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

LEO: We’re here to register our kids, partner.MERRIDEW: Partner?LEO: Leo Constella’s the name, banking’s my game.ORRY: Go, Daddy, go!MERRIDEW: So you have two students to enroll?NORMA: Yes, our daughter, Cassie, and our son, Orry.MERRIDEW: Well, where are you folks from?LEO: The planet Vesperon.ORRY: Dad means the dullest place on the planet, Vesperon, Ohio.MERRIDEW: Is that close to Cleveland? This way, if you please. (EXITS

UP LEFT with LEO, NORMA and CASSIE. ORRY starts to follow, but is distracted by AGGIE, TRACY and CHRISTINA, who ENTER LEFT, wearing very bulky coats.)

TRACY: Gosh, Aggie! I feel like the Pillsbury Doughboy!CHRISTINA: You look like him!AGGIE: (Notices ORRY.) Hi.ORRY: Hi.TRACY: Oh, brother!ORRY: (Salutes.) O. Brother! (CHRISTINA clears her throat loudly.)AGGIE: Bye!ORRY: Bye! (CHRISTINA and TRACY pull AGGIE OFF RIGHT as she looks

back at ORRY. LIGHTS FADE to BLACKOUT.)End of Scene One

ACT ONEScene Two

LIGHTS UP: The lobby, the next day after school. WYNONA, HEATHER and JENNA sit at one of the tables applying makeup.HEATHER: Did you guys see the new kid?JENNA: She doesn’t look too cool. I mean what’s with the hair?HEATHER: I was talking about her brother.WYNONA: He is hot.HEATHER: Out of this world hot.JENNA: Jack better not hear you talking like that, Wynona.WYNONA: Jack doesn’t care. He never minds when I window shop.

(AGGIE, CHRISTINA and TRACY ENTER RIGHT. They are each wrapped in a wool blanket.)

AGGIE: Okay, so far wool seems to be the best insulation.CHRISTINA: Yeah! We lasted out there for half an hour.

For preview only

10

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

WYNONA: Then what happened?CHRISTINA: Tracy’s lips turned blue.AGGIE: That’s our measuring point.TRACY: My lips turn blue just before frostbite sets in.HEATHER: Gosh, with the big dance coming up, you sure wouldn’t

want frostbitten lips!JENNA: You wouldn’t be able to kiss your date.TRACY: Very funny.CHRISTINA: (Sighs.) Yeah, who’s got a date?TRACY: Christina! We’ve got dates!WYNONA: Oh, sure.MACARONI: (ENTERS LEFT followed by ZOLTAN.) And then Bullwinkle

says to Rocky, I thought you were bringing the cheese! (They burst into laughter.)

ZOLTAN: (Hardly breathing.) You… bring… the… cheese!TRACY: Here they are now. (Crosses with CHRISTINA to MACARONI and

ZOLTAN.) Hi, Macaroni.CHRISTINA: Hi, Zoltan.MACARONI: Rocky and Bullwinkle crack me up!ZOLTAN: You bring the cheese! (Laughter.)CHRISTINA: We’re really looking forward to Saturday night.ZOLTAN: Oh, yeah? So are we… as long as you bring the cheese!

(Laughter.)TRACY: What kind? Cheddar? Swiss? Brie? Or maybe Gouda?MACARONI: Gouda! That’s a gouda cheese! (More laughs as they

cross RIGHT.)CHRISTINA: See you Saturday at the dance.ZOLTAN: Yeah! We’ll be there—MACARONI/ZOLTAN: (Horrifi ed.) Dance!TRACY: Remember you texted me and Christina and asked us to the

Winter Wonderland Dance?CHRISTINA: We’re going to have a great time, aren’t we, guys?ZOLTAN: Whaddaya think, Macaroni?MACARONI: I think we’d better rely on our basic philosophy.TRACY: What’s that?MACARONI: We just ask ourselves—MACARONI/ZOLTAN: What would Rocky do? (Burst into laughter and

EXIT RIGHT.)

For preview only

11

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

AGGIE: Gosh, guys, so far all we’ve learned is what Mother Nature proved a long time ago.

WYNONA: Nerds of a feather fl ock together?AGGIE: No. Wool keeps us warm.JENNA: You’d better wear a lot of it Saturday if you’re really going to the

dance with those two drips. (WYNONA, JENNA and HEATHER laugh as DORA and WILEY ENTER LEFT. WILEY carries a large briefcase.)

DORA: I don’t understand it! More stuff has gone missing!WILEY: Right under your very nose?DORA: And Mr. Merridew’s nose.WILEY: What’s his nose got to do with it?WYNONA: Oh, he sticks his nose in everything.WILEY: Ms. DeGrassi, that’s disrespectful.WYNONA: I’m sorry, Mr. Lincoln. Mind if I ask you a question?WILEY: A good teacher never minds if a student asks a question.WYNONA: Whose makeup do you fi nd more alluring—mine, Jenna’s

or Heather’s?WILEY: I… well… that wasn’t exactly… I mean—JENNA: It’s not a trick question, Mr. Lincoln.WILEY: I realize that, but… but… I’d have to say… yours, Ms. DeGrassi.WYNONA: Thank you! That’s another vote for Blushing Peach

Foundation, Rosy Rouge and Bright Eyes Eye Shadow.DORA: Are you girls doing a survey?JENNA: Science fair project.TRACY: So are we!CHRISTINA: We’re studying different kinds of insulation to see which

one will keep us warmest.WYNONA: Ms. Dickens doesn’t have to worry about keeping warm.JENNA: Not with Mr. Lincoln around!HEATHER: Oh, gosh, Ms. Dickens, you’re blushing!DORA: Oh, you kids! Goodness! Let’s go get that cup of coffee, Wiley.WYNONA: Go, Wiley!WILEY: Careful, Ms. DeGrassi, or I’ll change my vote! (DORA and

WILEY EXIT RIGHT.)TRACY: Aren’t they a cute couple?JENNA: They can’t be a cute couple. They’re teachers! (ZELDA ENTERS

RIGHT with bucket and mop.)TRACY: Oh, gosh! Where’s Ms. Buckets?ZELDA: Oh, she’s not well. Not well at all.

For preview only

12

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

CHRISTINA: What’s wrong with her?ZELDA: They don’t know. She keeps talking about space creatures.AGGIE: Wow! Maybe she was abducted.TRACY: And probed!WYNONA: Maybe she just drank too much Dr. Pepper.JENNA: Yeah, they say too much of that stuff will make you hallucinate.HEATHER: I drank a whole liter once and saw red rabbits with blue

eyes running all around my room.AGGIE: Where can we send Ms. Buckets a get well card?ZELDA: She’s at Happy Acres, and it looks like she’ll be there for a

while. (EXITS LEFT as ORRY and CASSIE ENTER LEFT.)WYNONA: Well, lookie here!JENNA: Dreamboat has docked.WYNONA: (Crosses to ORRY.) You’re new here, aren’t you?ORRY: Yeah.WYNONA: Well, I’m Wynona, and I’m the offi cial welcoming committee.ORRY: (Holds out his hand.) Pleased to meet you. I’m Orry and this

is— (ORRY moves to AGGIE.) Hi. My name’s Orry.AGGIE: (Shakes ORRY’S hand.) Aggie. Aggie Ferris. I’m new, too.CASSIE: (To WYNONA.) I’m new. You can welcome me.WYNONA: Oh, brother.ORRY/CASSIE: (Salute.) O. Brother!JENNA: Where did you guys fl y in from?ORRY: From about a thousand light years away.CASSIE: (Hits ORRY and forces a laugh.) Orry, stop being a jerk. We’re

from Vesperon. It’s in Wyoming.ORRY: What are you working on, Aggie?AGGIE: Our science project. We’re trying to determine the best

insulation for humans. We’d love to fi nd something that would keep us warm in cold weather and cool in hot weather.

ORRY: Oh, well, we’ve got— (CASSIE kicks ORRY.) Ouch!WYNONA: (Crosses to ORRY, pushing CASSIE aside.) Little sisters can

be a real pain, can’t they, Orry?CASSIE: Hey! Watch who you’re pushing around!ORRY: Maybe I can help you with your project.JENNA: Too late! The groups are already set.HEATHER: If you change your group, you’re disqualifi ed.WYNONA: Besides, our group really can use your help.ORRY: How?

For preview only

13

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

WYNONA: Tell us whose makeup you fi nd more alluring, mine, Jenna’s or Heather’s.

ORRY: Alluring?CASSIE: Alluring. Let me think. (Holds both her arms up, index fi ngers

even with her ears. She blinks three times, then speaks in a monotone.) Alluring. Verb. To attract, entice, cajole, snare, capture. (Drops her arms and smiles.) Alluring.

ORRY: Are you a hunter?WYNONA: I’m just hunting for a date for the Winter Wonderland Dance

on Saturday.JENNA: (Horrifi ed.) Wynona, what about Jack?WYNONA: You had dances in Wyoming didn’t you?ORRY: I am not sure.WYNONA: How about I pick you up at eight o’clock? Dress is casual.HEATHER: Jack’s going to kill him!CASSIE: Kill? Does this mean there is imminent danger? (JACK and

BRUCE ENTER LEFT.)JENNA: There is now.JACK: There is now what?CASSIE: Are you the imminent danger?CHRISTINA: Look, let’s not make a big deal out of all this.BRUCE: Something smells fi shy, Jack!ORRY: Fishy? I don’t smell fi sh, do you, Cassie?JACK: No, but I smell a rat. What’s going on?TRACY: Go ahead, Wynona, tell Jack.JACK: Tell me what?WYNONA: Now don’t get mad, Jack, but you know how we’re supposed

to be real nice to new kids? Well, I think I might take Orry here to the dance on Saturday.

JACK: Oh, you do, huh?ORRY: I sense she is your woman?JACK: Yeah, buckaroo, she’s my woman!ORRY: Buckaroo? What is “buckaroo”?JENNA: Hey, if you’re from Wyoming, you oughta know what a buckaroo

is!JACK: Look, buddy, I don’t like other guys moving in on my territory!ORRY: I… I didn’t know it was your… territory.AGGIE: Quit it, guys. Why don’t you both take Wynona?JACK: I don’t share my stuff!

For preview only

NOTE: PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS

14

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

TRACY: Wynona, are you going to let Jack refer to you as his stuff?CHRISTINA: What kind of a girl are you?WYNONA: The kind who likes to see guys fi ght over her. How about a

little contest? The prize is a date with me.AGGIE: This is medieval!TRACY: Just plain evil if you ask me!JACK: Yeah! A contest! I can beat this bozo with my hands tied behind

my back.ORRY: What is a bozo?CASSIE: You don’t want to know, Orry!WYNONA: (To ORRY and JACK.) Are you man enough to arm wrestle

for me?JACK: Bring it on!ORRY: Yeah! Bring it on. What are we bringing on?JACK: Get over here! Put your arm up. (Sits and motions ORRY to sit

on the opposite side of table. They raise their arms and prepare to wrestle. ORRY looks confused and does it wrong until JACK corrects him.)

JENNA: Don’t they arm wrestle in Wyoming?CHRISTINA: I’m going to get the principal!JACK: This isn’t a fi ght! It’s a contest. Winner takes all.WYNONA: On the count of three.TRACY: Hold it! She can’t count that high!JENNA: We’ll help her.ALL: One… two… (CASSIE taps her palm. ALL but CASSIE and ORRY

FREEZE.)ORRY: Good thinking, Cassie.CASSIE: These humans can be very predatory!ORRY: You’re telling me! (Indicates WYNONA.) If this one had claws,

she’d have dragged me off to her den and fed me to her young.CASSIE: What are you going to do? (Pulls out a comb and messes up

WYNONA’S hair.)ORRY: I got a better question. What are you doing?CASSIE: A beauty makeover.ORRY: The project that this one is working on is very intriguing.CASSIE: But how primitive. Do you mean to tell me these humans

have not discovered Bensodyne Z?ORRY: It appears not. (Picks up woolen blanket.) They are still using

animal fur.

For preview only

15

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

CASSIE: Yuck! The fur of an animal touching me? It gives me goose bumps!

ORRY: This might help in her project. (Pulls a large piece of very thin fabric from his pocket.)

CASSIE: Orry, that’s your coat!ORRY: I do not need it. It never goes below minus 50 degrees

Fahrenheit in this area. (Places the fabric next to AGGIE’S notes on the table.)

CASSIE: Well, you know how Earth’s climate is changing.ORRY: If I need it, I’ll just ask for it back.CASSIE: Ah-ha!ORRY: Ah-ha what?CASSIE: I think you’ve got the hots for her.ORRY: Hots? Hots? What are the hots?CASSIE: (Stands as before, holding her arms up, her index fi ngers to

her ears and blinking three times.) Hots. Noun. A passionate liking for.

ORRY: You’re crazy!CASSIE: I am not!ORRY: She doesn’t even know I’m alive.CASSIE: Ha!ORRY: Oh, let’s put time back in motion.CASSIE: Okay. I think I’ve transformed beauty into the beast. (ORRY

sits across from JACK and grabs JACK’S hand.) Ready?ORRY: Go for it! (CASSIE taps her palm. ALL come back to life.)ALL: Three! (JACK and ORRY begin arm wrestling.)MACARONI: (ENTERS RIGHT with ZOLTAN.) Hey, what’s happening?TRACY: Jack and the new kid are arm wrestling.ZOLTAN: Why?CHRISTINA: To see which one gets to take Wynona to the dance.WYNONA: C’mon, guys! Put more muscle into it. Don’t you have any

muscle?MACARONI: Gosh, with hair like that, she ought to go with King Kong!JENNA: Wynona! What happened to your hair?HEATHER: Oh, my gosh!WYNONA: What’s wrong with it?JACK: (Eyes on ORRY.) C’mon, little boy! Let’s see what you’re made

of!ORRY: Oh, I know what I’m made of.

For preview only

16

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

WYNONA: Give me a mirror! (JENNA does so.)ZOLTAN: Be careful, Wynny! You’ll break it!JENNA: Shut up, creep! (WYNONA suddenly screams.)JACK: (Slams ORRY’S arm on the table.) I win!WYNONA: What happened to my hair?JACK: I said I won! You’re mine! All mine!WYNONA: Oh, Jack!JACK: As long as you do something to your hair! (WYNONA screams

and runs OFF LEFT. She is followed by JENNA and HEATHER.)BRUCE: I think you said the wrong thing, Jack.JACK: Let’s go to my locker.BRUCE: Whaddaya think? Flowers? Candy?JACK: Yeesh! This’ll call for a new iPhone. (EXITS LEFT with BRUCE.)AGGIE: (To ORRY.) Don’t worry, Orry. Nobody beats that lamebrain at

arm wrestling.MACARONI: Yeah, he’s a Neanderthal.CASSIE: Human predecessor.CHRISTINA: Hey, can I ask you something? What’s Orry short for?ORRY: Orion.AGGIE: The bear! And I’ll bet Cassie is short for Cassiopeia.CASSIE: Gosh! I didn’t think humans were that smart.ORRY: We’re human, right, Cassie?CASSIE: Oh, yeah! I forgot.MACARONI: The last time I checked, you look human!CHRISTINA: (To MACARONI.) Too bad you’re not!MACARONI: Hey, Christina, if I’m taking you to the dance Saturday,

you’d better treat me right.CHRISTINA: Why?ZOLTAN: Or he won’t buy you a corsage.MACARONI: Hey! Who said anything about—CHRISTINA: A corsage? Really? Oh, Macaroni…ORRY: Can I ask you something?MACARONI: Not how I got into this mess, ’cause I don’t know!ORRY: Why are you named after pasta?ZOLTAN: (Laughs.) Pasta! That’s a good one!TRACY: His name is really Tony Marconi.MACARONI: Marconi, Macaroni… idiots can’t see the difference.TRACY: I think it’s cute.

For preview only

17

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

ZOLTAN: Cute? What’s cute about macaroni and cheese?TRACY: Well, it’s a lot better than Zoltan!CASSIE: Our uncle is named Zolton.ZOLTAN: There, you see? There’s at least one more Zoltan on Earth.CASSIE: Oh, he’s not on Earth—ORRY: Say, Zoltan, are you going to buy a corsage for your date?ZOLTAN: Flowers? Me?MACARONI: Yeah, what’s good for the goose is good for the chicken.

(ZOLTAN acts like a chicken and EXITS LEFT. MACARONI follows him OFF.)

CHRISTINA: C’mon, Tracy, we got some nagging to do!TRACY: Yeah, but at least we got dates!AGGIE: Hey, guys, wait a minute! Look at this!CHRISTINA: What is it?AGGIE: Some kind of fabric.ORRY: Maybe it’s some kind of insulation.AGGIE: I don’t think so. It’s way too thin.TRACY: Let’s go check it out anyway.AGGIE: Yeah, it really looks out of this world. (TRACY and CHRISTINA

EXIT LEFT. AGGIE follows, but before she leaves she looks back at ORRY, who smiles. AGGIE EXITS LEFT.)

CASSIE: Yeesh! You got it bad!ORRY: What’s that supposed to mean?CASSIE: Orry’s got a wondawoowho.ORRY: I do not have a wondawoowho.CASSIE: Yes, you do! Yes, you do! (TIFFY and MUFFY ENTER LEFT.)TIFFY: Hey, you two!ORRY: Yes?MUFFY: What’re your names?ORRY: I’m Orry Constella.CASSIE: Cassie Constella. Who wants to know?TIFFY: Tiffy Katz. And this here’s Muffy Stiles.MUFFY: Haven’t seen you around here before.ORRY: We just started today.TIFFY: Today, huh?MUFFY: Any particular reason you started today?CASSIE: We just moved here.TIFFY: That so? Where’d you move from?

For preview only

NOTE: PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS

18

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

ORRY: Vesperon.MUFFY: That doesn’t sound like a town!CASSIE: Vesperon, Vermont.TIFFY: Oh, yeah? We’ll just check that out! (LIGHTS FLASH, SOUND

EFFECT: THUNDER. BLACKOUT. When LIGHTS come UP, TIFFY and MUFFY are FROZEN. LEO and NORMA are ONSTAGE.)

NORMA: Hi, kids!CASSIE: Boy, are we glad to see you!LEO: Hard day?ORRY: It’s had its ups and downs.CASSIE: Earth kids can be mean with a capital M.ORRY: Yeah, but there are some awfully good ones.CASSIE: (Dramatic.) Oh, yeah! Aggie, Aggie, she’s so sweet, my heart

went pitter pat when we did meet.ORRY: Quit acting like a Neanderthal!CASSIE: How dare you!LEO: Orry, don’t call your sister a Neanderthal. (To NORMA.) What’s a

Neanderthal?CASSIE: (Looks at TIFFY and MUFFY.) Well, they’re kind of like these

two, just a whole lot smarter.ORRY: Look, can we just go home now?NORMA: We can’t go home until Saturday.ORRY: Well, anywhere but here!CASSIE: What, and leave Aggie?NORMA: What’s an Aggie?CASSIE: It’s Orry’s wondawoowho!ORRY: She is not!LEO: You’ve got a wondawoowho? Gosh, son!NORMA: Oh, my little baby’s growing up!LEO: Now, Norma don’t start crying. It’ll ruin your disguise. Everybody

ready?ORRY: More than ready!LEO: Then back to the motel.CASSIE: Where’d you fi nd that place, anyhow?LEO: Cheapmotels.com.CASSIE: Figures! (LIGHTS FLASH. SOUND EFFECT: THUNDER.

BLACKOUT. LIGHTS UP. LEO, NORMA, CASSIE and ORRY are OUT.)TIFFY: Hey! Hey, Muffy! They’re gone!MUFFY: Where’d they go? They were here just a second ago!

For preview only

19

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

TIFFY: Boy, this place is really gettin’ to me!MUFFY: Yeah! Let’s get back to the jail. At least it’s sane down there!

(They EXIT RIGHT as the CURTAIN FALLS.)End of Scene Two

ACT ONEScene Three

LIGHTS UP: A hallway in the school, the following morning. Played before the curtain. JACK backs ON LEFT holding a bouquet of fl owers, a box of candy, and an iPhone. WYNONA ENTERS after him followed by HEATHER and JENNA. BRUCE picks up the rear.JACK: C’mon, Wynona! I didn’t really say your hair looked stupid.BRUCE: But it sure did!JENNA: (Whops BRUCE with her purse.) Knock it off, lamebrain!JACK: (Offers the gifts.) Flowers? Candy? iPhone?WYNONA: (Sweetly.) Oh, Jack, Jack, Jack… (Shoves him away.) Put

that junk back in your locker and save it for somebody who cares!BRUCE: Mega-zinger!JACK: What… what about the dance on Saturday?WYNONA: Maybe, maybe not!JACK: Look, if you think the new guy’s got the hots for you, you got

another guess coming. He’s in my PE class… and… well, all he can talk about is—

WYNONA: Is who?JACK: That new girl!HEATHER: Aggie? Aggie Ferris?JENNA: Fresh off the farm?JACK: Yeah! That’s the one! So don’t go throwing this baby out with

the bathtub! C’mon, Bruce! We got better things to do than this!BRUCE: Really? Like what, Jack? (Crosses to JACK.)JACK: We’re gonna watch the grass grow.BRUCE: Jack, it’s winter. There ain’t no grass growin’.JACK: Then we’ll wait for it! (EXITS RIGHT.)BRUCE: Gosh, isn’t there something more exciting we can do? (EXITS

RIGHT.)JENNA: Now don’t you worry, Wynona. There’s no way Orry Constella’s

interested in Aggie Whats-her-name.HEATHER: Yeah! So what if she’s got a 4.0 average and is in National

Honor Society and president of the Young Politician’s Club and—JENNA: Heather! Stop trying to help!

For preview only

20

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

WYNONA: The only thing that’ll help is to eliminate the competition.HEATHER: Gosh! You mean… you mean…WYNONA: Exactly! We’re going to destroy her reputation!JENNA: You got something up your sleeve?WYNONA: If I had sleeves, I sure would. We’re going to start a rumor.JENNA: Wynona, rumors just aren’t what they used to be in middle

school. By our age, we all take them with a grain of salt.HEATHER: Yeah, most of the time you gotta have at least a little proof

or something.WYNONA: Not if you make the rumor big enough. Outlandish enough!

Not if you make it part of a conspiracy theory.JENNA: You mean like who shot JFK? Did John Wilkes Booth get away?HEATHER: Is the moon made of green cheese?WYNONA: I just found out that our dear farm girl Aggie… is a space

alien… who’s trying to get back to Roswell to fi nd something left behind when that spaceship crashed centuries ago.

JENNA: I think that was in 1947.WYNONA: That’s what I said. I think it’s time to text everybody we

know.JENNA: As soon as Orry fi nds out she’s from another planet, he’ll run

the other way.WYNONA: Right into my open arms! (BLACKOUT.)

End of Scene Three

ACT ONEScene Four

CURTAIN UP: The lobby, the next day after school. MACARONI and ZOLTAN are arm wrestling at one of the tables.MACARONI: That’s all you got, buddy?ZOLTAN: It’s more than you’ll ever have, Macaroni!TRACY: (Runs ON RIGHT, holding the alien fabric. CHRISTINA follows

her ON.) Hey, guys!MACARONI: (Grits his teeth.) What?CHRISTINA: Have you guys seen Aggie?ZOLTAN: No!TRACY: What are you doing?MACARONI: What does it look like we’re doing?CHRISTINA: Arm wrestling. But why?ZOLTAN: So we can see… so we can see…MACARONI: (Shoves ZOLTAN’S arm to the table.) I lead! (Jumps up.)

For preview only

21

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

TRACY: You lead what?MACARONI: We’re practicing for Saturday night. (To ZOLTAN.) You

wanna dance?ZOLTAN: (Stands.) Don’t mind if I do! (Makes a big show of putting his

arms in the right place for a dance.) Like this?MACARONI: No, this way, dummy!ZOLTAN: Call me dummy again and you can go fi nd somebody else

to dance with.MACARONI: Sorry, I just lost my head. (Hums a horrible tune. He and

ZOLTAN dance a few crude steps until ZOLTAN steps on MACARONI’S foot.) Ouch! You’re a bigger dummy than I thought!

ZOLTAN: That’s it! Find a new partner!MACARONI: (Grabs TRACY.) Found one!TRACY: Not on your life! You’ll have to wait ’til Saturday night.CHRISTINA: We’ve got to fi nd Aggie and let her know this stuff is

incredible! (EXITS LEFT followed by TRACY.)TIFFY: (ENTERS LEFT with MUFFY and eyes TRACY and CHRISTINA

suspiciously as they pass.) Whaddaya think, Muffy?MUFFY: (Shakes her head.) Naaaaaaa!MACARONI: (Grabs ZOLTAN.) Now this time, don’t step on my foot!ZOLTAN: Then keep your foot out of the way!MACARONI: It goes like this… (Hums loudly and badly.)TIFFY: Well, will you look at this! (MACARONI and ZOLTAN break apart

quickly.)MUFFY: I thought the Arthur Murray Dance Studio was downtown!MACARONI: We’re just… just…ZOLTAN: Leaving! (EXITS RIGHT followed by MACARONI.)TIFFY: There’s some weird stuff going down at this place.MUFFY: Whaddaya expect? It’s a high school! (WYNONA, JENNA and

HEATHER ENTER LEFT.)TIFFY: Like that rumor that’s going around?MUFFY: You can’t believe every text you get. Can you?WYNONA: (Ignores TIFFY and MUFFY and crosses RIGHT.) I read in

Time magazine that aliens are sending spies to Earth.HEATHER: Like space invaders?WYNONA: And they’re going to take over our bodies!JENNA: They’re body snatchers! We’ll look like ourselves, but we won’t

have our brains!HEATHER: Gosh! What would I be without my brains?

For preview only

NOTE: PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS

22

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

WYNONA: Are you sure they haven’t already snatched you? Aggie Ferris is exactly the kind of creature they described in the article! We should really watch out. (EXITS RIGHT followed by HEATHER and JENNA.)

TIFFY: Wow! If they think it’s true—MUFFY: And maybe she’s got some kind of gizmo set up in the

library—TIFFY: A gizmo that lets her keep in touch with somebody… up there!

(They look up.)ZELDA: (ENTERS RIGHT.) I know. I know. I gotta replace a couple

of bulbs up there. But right now I gotta clean up a mess in the science lab.

TIFFY: Science lab?MUFFY: Some kind of experiment gone wrong?ZELDA: Nope! Mr. Newton dropped a soda bottle and it exploded.

(EXITS LEFT.)BRUCE: (ENTERS LEFT with JACK.) I dunno, Jack. Callin’ that new kid

out for a fi ght might not be such a bright idea.JACK: I’ll turn him into a manure pile!BRUCE: He’s in my gym class. He’s got biceps that make yours look

like mini-muffi ns.JACK: Yeah, sure! You always did let your imagination run away with

you.BRUCE: I’m tellin’ you—JACK: Besides, you don’t think I’m gunnin’ for a fair fi ght, do you?BRUCE: What’re you gonna do?JACK: Set a little trap that he’ll fall into and won’t be able to scratch

his way out of! (EXITS RIGHT with BRUCE.)TIFFY: Sounds like a possible 204 in progress.MUFFY: More like a 918.TIFFY: Could be a 1265.MUFFY: Or a 724.TIFFY: Only one way to fi nd out.MUFFY: Call 911. (They EXIT RIGHT.)CASSIE: (ENTERS LEFT with ORRY.) You really believe it?ORRY: Of course I do! She’s not like other humans.CASSIE: The humans have a saying, Orry. Love is blind.ORRY: I’m not in love, and I’m not blind. It’s just that she’s too perfect

to come from this planet.

For preview only

23

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

CASSIE: What are the chances that Helicons from Planet Xerxes would be infi ltrating Earth at exactly the same time as we are?

ORRY: I don’t know.CASSIE: Slim to none! The last time the Helicons visited here, humans

were still living in caves.ORRY: I don’t care, either!CASSIE: Oh, brother!CASSIE/ORRY: (Salutes.) O. Brother!NORMA: (ENTERS UP LEFT followed by LEO and MERRIDEW.) Oh, kids,

I thought I heard you out here.LEO: Have a good day at school?ORRY: The best! Absolutely the best!MERRIDEW: Somebody must have gotten an A on his test.CASSIE: Somebody got cupid’s arrow through his heart.NORMA: Orry, are you all right?LEO: Does it hurt, son?CASSIE: It’s just an expression, you two.NORMA: Oh, yes, of course!MERRIDEW: Well, if you’ve found a little lady you like, why don’t you

ask her to the Winter Wonderland Dance on Saturday?ORRY: Yeah! Yeah! Why not!CASSIE: Orry!NORMA: You can’t!LEO: We’re busy on Saturday.ORRY: Awwww, come on!MERRIDEW: It’s the best dance of the year. You shouldn’t miss it!NORMA: But we’ve got plans.LEO: Big plans!MERRIDEW: Well, there’s always next year. Bye, folks! (EXITS UP LEFT.)LEO: And there won’t be a next year either.ORRY: But, Dad!NORMA: Orry, what’s gotten into you?CASSIE: He’s turning into a human!LEO: No he’s not! He’s turning into a teenager.NORMA: You two go straight home.CASSIE: What are you and Dad going to do?LEO: There are two humans here who are undercover defense agents.

We must locate them and follow them.NORMA: That way we can check out defenses on Earth.

For preview only

24

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

CASSIE: Good luck! (To ORRY.) Come on, Romeo.NORMA: Who’s Romeo?CASSIE: Some kid we read about in English. He falls for this girl, but

it just doesn’t work out.LEO: (Checks an alien mapping device in his hand.) I hope he learned

a lesson.CASSIE: He dies.LEO: Norma? Our marks are in the parking lot. Let’s go.NORMA: Bye kids! See you at dinner. (EXITS RIGHT with LEO.)CHRISTINA: (ENTERS LEFT with TRACY and carrying the alien fabric.) I

thought she’d be more excited about this stuff.TRACY: Yeah, well, with all the rumors—CHRISTINA: Oh, hi, guys!ORRY: Hi, Christina. Hi, Tracy. Where’s Aggie?TRACY: She’s being a real slowpoke.ORRY: Probably just thorough.CHRISTINA: That’s Aggie all right.CASSIE: Orry, we’ve got to go.ORRY: I see you got the… I mean… what is that in your hand?CHRISTINA: Some weird fabric that’s thin but keeps out the cold.TRACY: And keeps out the heat.CHRISTINA: We’re using it in our science project.TRACY: If we can fi nd out what it’s made out of.ORRY: I… I might know.CHRISTINA: You got a chemistry degree from Harvard?CASSIE: He doesn’t! Now, let’s go, Orry.TRACY: Look, if you really have some idea what this is, we’re meeting

Aggie at the Coffee Mug in half an hour.ORRY: The Coffee Mug? How can you all fi t in a coffee mug?CASSIE: (Pulls ORRY RIGHT.) It’s a beverage station across the street,

Orry. Let’s go.ORRY: Bye! Tell Aggie… Tell Aggie— (CASSIE pulls him OFF RIGHT.)CHRISTINA: Beverage station?TRACY: There’s something funny about those two.CHRISTINA: Don’t say that to Aggie.TRACY: Why not? She’s the one who’s supposed to be from outer

space.CHRISTINA: Like Wynona thinks anybody would believe that? (They

EXIT RIGHT.)

For preview only

25

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

WILEY: (ENTERS RIGHT, carrying his briefcase, as DORA ENTERS LEFT.) Why, Ms. Dickens! You look positively radiant!

DORA: It’s happened again!WILEY: Another theft?DORA: Three whole fi les missing!WILEY: What was in them?DORA: With research papers being written in junior English, I haven’t

had a minute to even look through that collection!WILEY: Probably just old recipes.DORA: It doesn’t matter! It’s school property and somebody’s stealing

it. Now, excuse me, but I’ve got to inform Principal Merridew.WILEY: Care to grab a bite later?DORA: Oh, I’m just so upset—WILEY: Okay, I’ll ask Mavis, the art teacher.DORA: Over my dead body! Meet me at Arrivederci’s at six.WILEY: It’s a date.DORA: Merridew! It’s happened again! (EXITS UP LEFT.)WILEY: (Pulls out his cell phone. AGGIE ENTERS LEFT, but WILEY doesn’t

see her as he’s facing DOWN RIGHT. Into phone.) Hey, it’s me. I got the next bunch, and in about three days, we’ll have it all. Yeah, she could be a problem, but I’m pretty sure I can take care of her. How about your end? You got the money? Yeah, and don’t plan to shortchange me. I’m no math teacher, but I can count. (Snaps his phone shut and whistles as he EXITS RIGHT.)

AGGIE: Uh-oh! (CURTAIN.)End of ACT ONE

ACT TWOScene One

AT RISE: The lobby, Friday morning. ZELDA mops the fl oor. TIFFY and MUFFY ENTER RIGHT, exhausted. They each hold a huge coffee mug.TIFFY: What time is basketball practice, Worthington?MUFFY: Six a.m.TIFFY: What time is it?MUFFY: Six a.m.TIFFY: I’m gonna kill the chief!MUFFY: Yeah, the next time he gives us an assignment like this—ZELDA: Nobody told you kids you had to sign up for basketball.TIFFY: You don’t know the chief. (Realizes.) I mean, our chief reason

for signing up was so we could… could…

For preview only

NOTE: PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS

26

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

40

MUFFY: Complain about how early practices are. C’mon, Tiffy.TIFFY: Right, Muffy! (Follows MUFFY OFF LEFT.)ZELDA: Kids! (EXITS RIGHT. LIGHTS FLASH. SOUND EFFECT: THUNDER.

BLACKOUT. LIGHTS UP. DRAKA, HYDRA, LEO, NORMA, CASSIE and ORRY APPEAR at CENTER.)

DRAKA: You have established yourselves among the Earthlings as required.

HYDRA: Good work, family Constella.CASSIE: Some of us are a little more established than others.DRAKA: And your meaning is?CASSIE: Orry’s got a wondawoowho.ORRY: Shut up, Cassie!NORMA: Now, Orry, it’s not nice to say, “shut up.”ORRY: It’s not nice to spread rumors!DRAKA: Ah, you have replicated Earth teen thinking perfectly, Hydra.HYDRA: It took Earth years of study.DRAKA: But I warn you, Orry, you may only stay until Saturday night.

At nine o’clock, you must meet the ship or remain here for seven more Earth years.

ORRY: Yeah, yeah, yeah.DRAKA: He pouts well.ORRY: I’m not pouting!HYDRA: Better than we had hoped.CASSIE: And you know something? The hottest girl in school is after

Orry, too.LEO: You must stay away from the hot girls, Orry. You might get burned.ORRY: (Embarrassed.) Oh, brother!ALL: (Salute.) O. Brother.ORRY: I can’t help it if I like Earthlings with brains and determination.DRAKA: Which brings us to the next part of your assignment.HYDRA: You, Orry, must select specifi c humans to test our re-education

program.ORRY: Me?DRAKA: Your parents are too busy checking Earth defenses. It is for

you to choose which humans need re-education.CASSIE: What kind of re-education?HYDRA: Those who are less than pleasant must be sweetened. O.

Brother does not want Earth servants who are not pleasant.DRAKA: Those who are less than brilliant must be made brilliant. O.

Brother does not want Earth servants who are foolish.

For preview only

27

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

40

HYDRA: And fi nally, those who are conceited must be made humble. O. Brother does not want Earth servants who think they are better than others.

NORMA: How are they re-educated?DRAKA: We have already inserted the necessary circuits in Orry’s

human body.ORRY: Where? I don’t feel any circuits.HYDRA: How about now? (Pushes a button on her sleeve. ORRY jerks

his right hand up, index fi nger up. It’s an electric shock.)ORRY: Hey! Cut that out!HYDRA: Sorry. That is the circuit for sweetness re-education. How

about this? (Presses another button on her sleeve. ORRY’S left hand shoots up, index fi nger extended. It’s another electric shock.)

ORRY: (Screams.) Knock it off!HYDRA: That is the circuit for brain re-education. And fi nally, humility.ORRY: No! No more! (HYDRA presses a third button on her sleeve.

Both of ORRY’S arms fl y up, thumbs up. It’s an even stronger electric shock. ORRY screams and falls into a chair.) You wanna kill me?

DRAKA: Oh, Orry, it is only your human body feeling pain. Your Vesperon body is unscathed.

ORRY: That’s comforting! (Blows on his fi ngers as if they’ve been burned.)

LEO: Is the last circuit for re-education of personal worth?HYDRA: Exactly, Leo. Known on Earth as humble pie.CASSIE: Okay, Orry, I’ve made up a list of kids who need re-education.

We could practically do the whole school!HYDRA: There’s no need to re-educate the entire school at this time,

Cassie. Only a few are required for our research.DRAKA: The point is, if O. Brother decides to take over Earth and

make it an all-inclusive resort, we will need to re-educate the entire human population.

LEO: That makes complete sense. And when will we take over this little planet, Draka?

DRAKA: No timeline has been determined. We’re waiting for your report on Earth defenses.

NORMA: Well, from the defensive individuals we have seen, takeover will be a snap.

LEO: There are two guardians of the law, commonly known as cops on Earth, who are here in this school.

NORMA: A two-year-old with a water balloon could back those two into a corner.

For preview only

28

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

LEO: I concur.DRAKA: That is good news.ORRY: But you’re not going to change every human, are you?HYDRA: They will all need to be subjugated, Orry. It is the way things

are meant to be.ORRY: Oh, brother!ALL: (Salute.) O. Brother!ORRY: Look, some of these kids are awfully nice.CASSIE: Like Aggie?ORRY: Well, you’ve got friends, too!DRAKA: What are friends?CASSIE: Kids you like. You hang around together. You know.HYDRA: Hmmm. Go now to your respective posts. Leo and Norma,

continue your observations. Cassie and Orry, select your subjects for re-education.

CASSIE: C’mon, we can look over this list.ORRY: Look, Cassie, I’m not really into this.DRAKA: You will do as commanded! O. Brother!ALL: (Salute.) O. Brother! (CASSIE drags ORRY OFF LEFT. NORMA and

LEO EXIT RIGHT.)DRAKA: It appears we might have a problem, Hydra.HYDRA: We warned the committee that human charm is very powerful.DRAKA: Orry does not look good.HYDRA: No. He looks like he could be—DRAKA: Don’t say it!HYDRA: In love.DRAKA: Oh, brother!HYDRA/DRAKA: (Salute.) O. Brother!DORA: (ENTERS RIGHT, carrying a stack of books, and absently passes

in front of DRAKA and HYDRA.) Good morning. (Stops, turns and notices the aliens. She screams loudly and tosses the books up in the air. Once the books have fallen, DRAKA pushes a button on her sleeve. DORA FREEZES.)

HYDRA: Ooooops!DRAKA: I thought you froze time.HYDRA: I thought you did!DRAKA: Well, they’ll just think she’s crazy like the others who have

seen us.

For preview only

29

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

40

HYDRA: Good thing humans are such hard nuts to crack! (LIGHTS FLASH. SOUND EFFECT: THUNDER. BLACKOUT. LIGHTS UP. DRAKA and HYDRA are OUT. DORA UNFREEZES and fi nishes her scream.)

MERRIDEW: (ENTERS UP LEFT.) Ms. Dickens! Ms. Dickens! What’s wrong? (Picks up her books.)

DORA: There were two… two…MERRIDEW: Two what?DORA: Space creatures standing right here!MERRIDEW: There’s nobody here.DORA: But I saw them!MERRIDEW: Did you get enough sleep last night?DORA: Well, I did read a bit too much, but my book was so interesting…MERRIDEW: What were you reading?DORA: The Martian Chronicles.MERRIDEW: I think you need to come into my offi ce and calm down a

bit. Everything’s going to be all right.DORA: But they were this tall and had great big eyes… (Follows

MERRIDEW OFF UP LEFT.)AGGIE: (ENTERS RIGHT with CHRISTINA and TRACY. AGGIE is wearing

the alien fabric.) It’s incredible!TRACY: We told you!AGGIE: It’s 20 degrees outside, and I feel warm as toast.CHRISTINA: And last night I turned the heat up in the bathroom,

turned on the space heater and ran the hot water. That thing kept me cool as a cucumber.

TRACY: But your dad’s gonna get awfully hot under the collar when he sees the electric bill!

CHRISTINA: And we don’t know where this came from?AGGIE: It was just there.TRACY: Yeah, like it was meant to be.AGGIE: It’s a synthetic. Let’s get to the chemistry lab and see if Mr.

Newton can help us fi gure out what it is.TRACY: And then it’s time for you to do you know what.AGGIE: What?CHRISTINA: Don’t play dumb.AGGIE: I’m not! What are you talking about?TRACY: You’re going to ask the new kid to the dance.AGGIE: No! No, I won’t!CHRISTINA: Look, we have to go with Macaroni and Zoltan. The least

you can do is go with the coolest guy in school.

For preview only

NOTE: PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS

30

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

40

AGGIE: He’d never say yes. I’m the alien from outer space, remember? What guy wants to go to the dance with a Martian?

TRACY: Nobody believes such stupid rumors. Not really.AGGIE: I don’t care. If Wynona DeGrassi has her way, he’ll go with her.TRACY: She doesn’t always have to get her way.AGGIE: But she does anyhow. You guys go on and see if Mr. Newton’s

here yet.CHRISTINA: What are you doing to do?AGGIE: I’ve got to talk to Mr. Merridew.TRACY: Good! I hope you get Wynona in trouble for telling lies about

you.AGGIE: That’s not what I want to talk to him about.CHRISTINA: Aggie, what’s going on?AGGIE: Go on! I’ll be there in a minute. (TRACY and CHRISTINA EXIT

LEFT, but not before looking back suspiciously at AGGIE, who moves to the offi ce door and knocks.) Mr. Merridew?

MERRIDEW: (ENTERS UP LEFT.) Oh, Ms. Ferris, I’m very busy right now—

DORA: (From inside the offi ce.) I know what I saw, Mr. Merridew! They were frightening!

AGGIE: I’ve got to talk to you—DORA: Don’t leave me! Please!MERRIDEW: Can you come back later?AGGIE: It’s really important.DORA: (Screams.) Ah! They’re right outside your window!MERRIDEW: Write me a note and slip it under the door. I’ll get back

to you.AGGIE: But, Mr. Merridew! (MERRIDEW EXITS UP LEFT and closes the

door. AGGIE shrugs, then sits at table and scribbles a note.)ORRY: (ENTERS LEFT.) Oh, hi, Aggie.AGGIE: Orry!ORRY: Gosh, you sound shocked.AGGIE: What… what are you doing here so early?ORRY: Oh, I… I… had a meeting. How about you?AGGIE: I was trying to see Mr. Merridew, but I think Ms. Dickens is in

his offi ce yelling about creatures from outer space.ORRY: I guess some kids act like that, huh?AGGIE: Like they’re from outer space?ORRY: Well, sure.AGGIE: It’s funny, because there is no life in outer space.

For preview only

31

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

ORRY: You don’t think so?AGGIE: Of course not. Why, do you?ORRY: It might be possible.AGGIE: Little green men? I don’t think so.ORRY: I don’t think they’d be little green men. I think they’d look just

like… well, us.AGGIE: Then you couldn’t tell who was us and who was them.ORRY: That’s half the fun.AGGIE: What’s the other half of the fun?ORRY: Getting to know each other.AGGIE: I think I’d be way too scared to get to know a creature from

another planet.ORRY: I guess so, but I wouldn’t hold that against them.AGGIE: Really? I mean if you heard a rumor, completely unfounded,

that somebody you knew was from outer space…ORRY: I think it would make her even more appealing.AGGIE: Her?ORRY: Sorry. I’m just jumping to a conclusion.AGGIE: That’s okay. Jump away.ORRY: Hey, how’s your science fair project coming?AGGIE: Incredible. We found this piece of fabric that provides the

most amazing insulation. That’s another reason we came early to school. We wanted to ask Mr. Newton if he can help us fi gure out what it’s made of.

ORRY: Probably Bensodyne Z.AGGIE: Bensodyne Z? What’s that?ORRY: It’s an element. I think number 318.AGGIE: Orry… there are only 103 elements.ORRY: (Salutes.) O. Brother! I guess I was thinking about species of

marine life.AGGIE: Why’d you do that?ORRY: Do what? (AGGIE salutes.) Oh, that! It’s… it’s an exercise… to

keep my… back muscles nimble.AGGIE: Oh. Does it work?ORRY: I never get any pain back there. Even when I’m dancing.AGGIE: You… you like to dance?ORRY: Sure! How about you?AGGIE: Well, yeah. When I get a chance.ORRY: Well, you know, there’s this winter thing coming up on Saturday.

For preview only

32

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

40

AGGIE: That’s the Science Fair Day. But the fair will be over long before the dance.

ORRY: Good!WYNONA: (ENTERS RIGHT with HEATHER and JENNA.) There you are,

Orry! I got your text message! (Flashes her phone.) I don’t know how you got my number, but I’m glad you did.

ORRY: What message?WYNONA: (Plays with his hair.) Don’t play coy with me, Orry. Of course,

I’ll go with you Saturday.ORRY: What?JENNA: Aggie, what’s wrong? You look so pale all of a sudden. (AGGIE

races OFF LEFT.)ORRY: Aggie! What’s wrong?HEATHER: I think she’s going to throw up.WYNONA: Don’t worry. Those farm kids heal quicker than a newborn

calf. Anyway, thanks for the invite!ORRY: What are you talking about?WYNONA: All right, it’ll be our secret, but pick me up for the dance at

nine sharp. I’ll be waiting.ORRY: I’m taking you?JENNA: That’s the usual way it goes.ORRY: But… but…WYNONA: Now, tell me how you like my makeup today? On a scale

of one to ten, with one being completely blah and ten being hot mamma, how would you rate my face?

ORRY: I don’t understand about this makeup.JENNA: Where’d you say you were from?ORRY: Nevada.HEATHER: I thought you said Wyoming.WYNONA: Who cares? The important thing is you’re here and you’re

mine. (MACARONI and ZOLTAN ENTER LEFT dressed like clowns, complete with clown makeup. MACARONI holds a cream pie while ZOLTAN holds a noisy bicycle horn.)

JENNA: Now that’s makeup!MACARONI: Like it?ZOLTAN: Macaroni, you’ve got a face only a mother could love!MACARONI: Yeah? Well, even a mother couldn’t love yours! (He and

ZOLTAN laugh.)WYNONA: I guess it’s wear your true colors today.MACARONI: Are you saying we’re clowns?

For preview only

33

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

HEATHER: If the shoe fi ts…ZOLTAN: (Holds up his big shoe.) And boy, does this shoe fi t! (They

laugh.)JENNA: Why do you two look like idiots?MACARONI: Clowns, dear lady. Classic circus clowns.ZOLTAN: We’re on our way to Kendall Elementary School to read

stories.HEATHER: Gosh, you can read?MACARONI: Hey, Heather, leave the jokes to us, okay?WYNONA: You’re just going to scare those kids to death.ZOLTAN: Don’t worry. We brought our own defi brillator! (Honks a horn.

MACARONI and ZOLTAN laugh as JACK and BRUCE ENTER LEFT with CASSIE.)

CASSIE: I’m sure he didn’t send Wynona a note!JACK: That ain’t what Wynona said!BRUCE: There’s the rat now!CASSIE: You gotta run, Orry!JACK: Yeah, pipsqueak! You’d better run!WYNONA: I told you what would happen, Orry!ORRY: You are very good at making things up, Wynona.WYNONA: Did you hear that, Jack?HEATHER: Gosh, he called Wynona a liar!BRUCE: And nobody calls Jack’s girl a liar!CASSIE: But wait! If Orry is going to the dance with Wynona, doesn’t

that make her Orry’s girl?WYNONA: Well, fancy that!JACK: Little boy, time to say your prayers!ORRY: (Salutes.) O. Brother! (JACK jumps at ORRY and they begin to

scuffl e. Ad-lib shouting from those present. CHRISTINA and TRACY ENTER LEFT and watch. ORRY presses his palm and ALL, except for CASSIE, FREEZE in as humorous poses as possible. JACK should be near MACARONI, who holds the cream pie aimed right for JACK’S face.)

CASSIE: You idiot! What’d you send her an invitation to the dance for? You don’t even like her. I hope.

ORRY: I didn’t! She made that up.CASSIE: Why? (Looks at JACK.) Oh, wait a minute. Humans react to

jealousy.ORRY: It makes them do wild and crazy things.

For preview only

NOTE: PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS

34

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

CASSIE: And she thinks you’re human and you’ll do wild and crazy things.

ORRY: Awww, Cassie, I’m so confused right now…CASSIE: Let’s head over to the Coffee Mug. The best thing on Earth

is a caramel mocha latte. It’ll clear our heads.ORRY: Gosh, I never realized having a head and a heart could cause

so many problems.CASSIE: I think that’s why this is as advanced as they’ve gotten here.ORRY: Yeah, how about that. Let’s go. (CASSIE EXITS RIGHT. ORRY

follows, then turns and snaps his fi ngers.) Hold on! (Crosses to MACARONI and aims the cream pie closer to JACK’S face.) Much better! Five… four… (EXITS RIGHT. From OFF RIGHT.) Three, two, one! (ALL UNFREEZE. MACARONI slams the pie into JACK’S face. GIRLS scream, laugh, ad-lib.)

JACK: Hey! Who did that?ZOLTAN: We’re outta here, man! (JACK punches wildly at the air, while

MACARONI and ZOLTAN race OFF LEFT.)JACK: Where is he, Bruce? Where is he?BRUCE: I dunno! Where’d they go? (JACK slugs BRUCE, who has gotten

in his way.) Ouch! Watch out, will ya?JACK: Lemme at him! Lemme at him!MERRIDEW: (ENTERS UP LEFT followed by DORA.) What’s going on

out here?!DORA: Stop it! Stop this instant!JACK: I’m gonna get him if it’s the last thing I do! (Slugs MERRIDEW,

who has put a hand on JACK’S shoulder.)BRUCE: (Grabs JACK and holds his arms behind his back.) Jack! You

hit the principal!JACK: Oh, no!MERRIDEW: Oh, yes! Into my offi ce with him, Mr. Berger. And you’d

better have a pretty good explanation, Mr. Heston! (BRUCE helps JACK into the offi ce.)

JACK: Wynona, you better help me out here!WYNONA: Sorry, Jack, but I gotta meet Orry at his locker. (JACK

screams as he EXITS UP LEFT followed by BRUCE and MERRIDEW.)TIFFY: (ENTERS LEFT with MUFFY. They wear basketball uniforms.) Hey!

What’s going on here?DORA: Nothing to see, girls. Just a fi ght.MUFFY: Just a fi ght? Fights ain’t permitted on these premises!

For preview only

35

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

DORA: Neither are space creatures, but I got an eyeful of them this morning! Now, all of you, get to class! Go on! If I’ve got to carry on, so do you!

HEATHER: Space creatures?DORA: Oh, they were terrifying!TIFFY: Lady, you must’ve had some mighty strong coffee this morning.MUFFY: Yeah! There aren’t any creatures from outer space anywhere

near this place. Are there?DORA: Go on! All of you! Go on! (ALL EXIT LEFT except for DORA.)WILEY: (ENTERS LEFT, carrying his briefcase.) Why, Ms. Dickens! What

are you doing here so early in the morning?DORA: I… I came to… to… rearrange the… magazines! (Bursts into

tears and hugs WILEY. He is so stunned he drops his briefcase.)WILEY: You seem a bit upset.DORA: (Wails.) Just a bit! I saw two space creatures this morning! Two

of them!WILEY: Oh, dear. I think we’d better get you to the nurse’s offi ce where

you can lie down.DORA: Will you take me? I don’t want to be alone, Wiley.WILEY: Sure, Dora, sure! (Helps DORA to the offi ce, opens the door

then notices and picks up note AGGIE left.) Hey… something’s on the fl oor. Wonder what it is.

DORA: It’s not from outer space is it?WILEY: Oh, brother! (EXITS UP LEFT with DORA. AGGIE ENTERS RIGHT

a moment later. She sees the briefcase and checks to see that nobody’s watching. She picks up the briefcase and EXITS RIGHT as the CURTAIN FALLS.)

End of Scene One

ACT TWOScene Two

LIGHTS UP: In front of the school, Saturday afternoon. Played before the curtain. WILEY ENTERS RIGHT, talking on his cell phone.WILEY: I don’t know where it went. I set it down so I could get Dora

into the offi ce. She was hysterical. And when I came out, it was gone! I know I said I’d take care of her, but… but… all right, but I want to be paid for what I did get you. Oh, yeah? Well, well, the same to you!

TIFFY: (ENTERS LEFT with MUFFY. They’re wearing coats as if they’re arriving for the dance.) Hi, Mr. Lincoln.

WILEY: Hi, girls.

For preview only

36

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

MUFFY: Your class sure was fun yesterday.WILEY: I always try to make the Civil War a fun experience.TIFFY: Yeah, that General Sherman. What a card!WILEY: If you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go fi nd Ms. Dickens.MUFFY: Hot date tonight?WILEY: No such thing! We’re offi cial chaperones.TIFFY: Sure, and if we believe that, we got some Elvis 45s you can

buy for a nickel.WILEY: Are you sure you’re only teenagers?MUFFY: Yeah, whaddaya think? (WILEY shakes his head and EXITS

LEFT.) You almost blew our cover. Elvis! 45s! A nickel!TIFFY: Whoopteedoo! (AGGIE, CHRISTINA and TRACY ENTER LEFT,

AGGIE carrying a big blue ribbon and CHRISTINA a project board.)CHRISTINA: I can’t believe we won!AGGIE: I sure wish I could thank Orry. He gave us a pretty big tip with

his Bensodyne Z.TRACY: Well, you can see him at the dance tonight.AGGIE: I’m not going.CHRISTINA: Awww, come on. It’s going to be lame without you.AGGIE: You guys have got dates.TRACY: That’s what’s going to be lame!AGGIE: Go on and get ready. I’ve got some stuff to do at home anyway.CHRISTINA: Sure you don’t mind?TRACY: Bye! (EXITS RIGHT followed by CHRISTINA.)TIFFY: So, you guys won the contest.AGGIE: Yeah. Best of show.MUFFY: Your project must have been out of this world.AGGIE: It was about insulation.TIFFY: Well, you know… the government’s always working on new

secret stuff.MUFFY: Stuff they make a lot of notes on.TIFFY: Notes that could have ended up in the school library.MUFFY: Just by accident, you know.TIFFY: Know anything about what’s in the boxes in the library?AGGIE: No, I—MUFFY: We’ve heard a few rumors about you, Ms. Ferris.TIFFY: And maybe it’s time you come clean. You seen any space

creatures?MUFFY: You know any space creatures?

For preview only

37

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

AGGIE: I sure do!TIFFY: Who? Who?AGGIE: You two! And if you don’t stop harassing me, I’m going to call

security.TIFFY: Whoa! Let’s not lose our heads, there, kiddo.AGGIE: You two aren’t really kids here at all, are you!MUFFY: What makes you say that?AGGIE: I can see all kinds of wrinkles when you get real close.TIFFY: Muffy?MUFFY: What, Tiffy?TIFFY: Let’s boogie! (Rushes OFF LEFT followed by MUFFY.)ORRY: (ENTERS RIGHT.) They’re cops.AGGIE: Orry! Where’d you come from?ORRY: Just over there. Congratulations. You won the science fair.AGGIE: Thanks. We couldn’t have done it without you.ORRY: I didn’t do anything.AGGIE: Bensodyne Z?ORRY: Lucky guess.AGGIE: It wasn’t a guess at all. Who are you, really?ORRY: Orry Constella.AGGIE: Orion Constellation.ORRY: No, that’s not—AGGIE: How’d you know those two are cops?ORRY: My… my dad… he knows them. They’re undercover, so don’t

say anything. They’re supposed to fi nd out who’s taking the stuff from the library.

AGGIE: I should have fi gured as much. I guess you’re on your way to the dance.

ORRY: Actually, I was trying to avoid Wynona.AGGIE: I thought she was your date.ORRY: I wouldn’t hook up with her if she were the last female on

Earth.AGGIE: So why’d you send her an invitation?ORRY: I never sent her anything. She made that up.AGGIE: Sorry to hear that.ORRY: Look, Aggie… there’s something you ought to know…AGGIE: What?ORRY: At nine o’clock tonight, I… I… I’ve got to have some stuff done

by nine o’clock tonight.

For preview only

NOTE: PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS

38

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

AGGIE: You need some help?ORRY: Yes!AGGIE: What can I do?ORRY: Go to the dance with me.AGGIE: But, but… I don’t have anything to wear.ORRY: Earth girls always say that.AGGIE: But it’s true! Hey, how come you called us “Earth girls”?ORRY: Slip of the tongue.AGGIE: What happens at nine o’clock, Orry?ORRY: I think Cassie’s got something you can wear if you like. We’d

better hurry.AGGIE: Orry? Nine o’clock? (ORRY takes AGGIE’S hand and pulls her

OFF RIGHT as the LIGHTS FADE to BLACKOUT.)End of Scene Two

ACT TWOScene Three

CURTAIN UP: The lobby, Saturday night at 8:30. MUSIC from OFF LEFT. WYNONA, HEATHER and JENNA sit at table, dressed up. A cream pie sits on the table.HEATHER: Gosh, Wynona, maybe he had a fl at tire or something.JENNA: Yeah, or he could have had an accident and he’s in the hospital

right now suffering horrible pain.WYNONA: He’s going to suffer horrible pain when I get hold of him!HEATHER: Well, he never really did say he was going to take you to

the dance.WYNONA: (Poses.) How could he say no to this? And just to cement

our relationship, I baked my famous coconut cream pie. (Holds up the pie.)

HEATHER: Yeah! The way to a guy’s heart is through his stomach.JENNA: But, Wynona, you don’t even know how to bake.WYNONA: He won’t fi nd that out until it’s too late. (Smiles her

wickedest.)CHRISTINA: (Dances ON LEFT with MACARONI. TRACY and ZOLTAN

dance ON behind them.) Where’d you guys learn to dance?MACARONI: Clown school, where else?ZOLTAN: You oughta see how many of us we can stuff into our

Volkswagen.TRACY: You mean there’s more of you?MACARONI: Sure! I got fi ve brothers!

For preview only

39

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

ZOLTAN: And I got six sisters.CHRISTINA: Holy mackerel!MACARONI: That’s what our folks say every time they go to the grocery

store! (The COUPLES dance OFF LEFT.)WYNONA: (Stands up, furiously.) Why are nerds like that having fun

and I’m not?HEATHER: Gosh, Wynona, you could be a nerd if you really tried harder.DORA: (ENTERS LEFT.) Oh, girls, have you seen Mr. Lincoln anywhere?JENNA: No, Ms. Dickens.DORA: Oh, dear. I wonder where he can be!HEATHER: Maybe he’s in the library.DORA: I’d better go see what he’s up to. (TIFFY and MUFFY ENTER

LEFT.) Oh, girls, did you see Mr. Lincoln down near the library?TIFFY: Yeah, as a matter of fact we did.MUFFY: He was carrying some stuff out back to his car.DORA: What stuff?TIFFY: He said it was research.MUFFY: You know how history teachers are.MERRIDEW: (ENTERS UP LEFT. To TIFFY and MUFFY.) Oh, girls! Girls!TIFFY: Yes, Mr. Principal, sir? (MERRIDEW leads TIFFY and MUFFY

DOWNSTAGE. DORA shrugs and EXITS LEFT.)MERRIDEW: Are you getting anywhere?MUFFY: All but solved the case.MERRIDEW: Then who’s been robbing the library?TIFFY: We’ll give you her head on a silver platter as soon as she gets

here.MERRIDEW: I don’t want just her head.MUFFY: Oh, you’ll get the whole ball of wax and her accomplices.TIFFY: But we want to catch her with the goods.MUFFY: It’ll look better in court.MERRIDEW: Well, then, carry on, girls. Have fun at the dance!TIFFY: Yeah! We love being wallfl owers. (EXITS LEFT with MUFFY as

ORRY, CASSIE and AGGIE ENTER RIGHT.)WYNONA: Well, well, well! Look what dragged the rat in.JENNA: Of all the nerve!MERRIDEW: Now, kids, let’s all be friends.AGGIE: Yeah, this isn’t what it looks like.HEATHER: We hope not!CASSIE: What’s it look like? We’re coming to the dance.

For preview only

NOTE: PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS

40

WYNONA: But… but… but… you’re together. You asked me to the dance, Orry. Remember?

ORRY: I never asked you, Wynona. Jack asked you.WYNONA: Well, I changed his mind.ORRY: Sorry, but I’m here with Aggie.AGGIE: Friends, you know?WYNONA: Is that what you call it?MERRIDEW: Now, Wynona, you know your parents and I have talked to

you about the fact that you can’t always have your way— (WYNONA shoots MERRIDEW a killer look.) I… I’ve got to see what’s… what’s going on at the dance. (EXITS LEFT.)

WYNONA: You’re not going to ignore me, Orry! You’re not going to just walk in there! I’m the girl every guy wants to date! I won’t have it any other way! (ORRY taps his palm. ALL but CASSIE FREEZE.)

ORRY: Whaddaya think, Cassie?CASSIE: Defi nitely.ORRY: Sweetness, brains or humility?CASSIE: Humility at some point, but sweetness for now.ORRY: To the sixth, seventh or eighth power?CASSIE: She needs maximum strength.ORRY: (Moves to WYNONA and aims his right index fi nger at WYNONA’S

ear. SOUND EFFECT: ZAP. LIGHTS FLASH. ORRY’S hand jerks back as if he has been stung.) Ouch! That oughta do it. Ready?

CASSIE: Willing and able! (ORRY taps his palm. ALL UNFREEZE.) What were you saying, Wynona?

WYNONA: Jack! Oh, gosh, guys, I’ve been soooooo mean to that poor boy. And, Orry, I am soooooo sorry about all that invitation business. I don’t know what got into me!

JENNA: Wynona, what’s with you?HEATHER: Yeah! Where’s the good old Wynona everybody hates?JENNA: Heather!WYNONA: Oh, gosh! Gosh, how awful! (Runs OFF RIGHT, crying.)HEATHER: What happened?JENNA: It’s like she had a stroke or something! C’mon! (Runs OFF

RIGHT followed by HEATHER.)AGGIE: Orry, what’s going on?ORRY: What’re you talking about?AGGIE: How’d Wynona change just like that?CASSIE: Why would Orry know?

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

For preview only

41

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

CHRISTINA: (Dances ON LEFT with MACARONI.) Hey, Aggie! C’mon in!MACARONI: The pool’s fi ne! (They dance OFF LEFT.)ORRY: How about we dive in? (Leads AGGIE dancing OFF LEFT followed

by CASSIE.)BRUCE: (Follows JACK ON LEFT. JACK carries a canister labeled “Itch

and Twitch.”) You really gonna do it, Jack? Huh?JACK: ’Course I’m gonna do it. He stole my girl!BRUCE: Oh, boy! I can’t wait!JACK: (Holds up the canister.) This stuff will ruin his night.BRUCE: Itch and Twitch powder!JACK: My uncle used that on my cousin once, and the kid scratched

himself raw.BRUCE: Your uncle must be a real funny guy.JACK: He’s a rat, but he’s got some good ideas.BRUCE: You want me to go get him, Jack? Huh? Huh?JACK: Yeah, tell him… tell him the fl owers he ordered for his date

fi nally got here.BRUCE: What a great lie! (EXITS LEFT. WILEY ENTERS LEFT, looking

back as if he’s running away from something.)TIFFY: (ENTERS LEFT with MUFFY.) Hey, Mr. Lincoln, are you and Ms.

Dickens having some fun?MUFFY: Ooh la la!WILEY: Actually, girls, it’s gotten a little hot in there, and I need to get

some fresh air.TIFFY: Go, tiger! (WILEY runs OFF RIGHT.)MUFFY: What an animal, huh, Tiffy? (EXITS LEFT followed by TIFFY.BRUCE: (ENTERS LEFT followed by ORRY.) Right there.ORRY: I never ordered any fl owers.JACK: That’s the thing with you, you’d never treat Wynona the way

she’s got to be treated.ORRY: Look, Jack, I’m not here with Wynona.JACK: That ain’t what I heard! But you know something, pal, I guess

we’re just going to have to bury the hatchet, right? How about shaking on it? (ZOLTAN, MACARONI, AGGIE, CHRISTINA and TRACY ENTER LEFT.)

ZOLTAN: It’s Jack all right!MACARONI: But we’re behind you, Orry.ZOLTAN: As far behind as we can get!AGGIE: You guys need to stop this nonsense.

For preview only

42

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

JACK: Look, I just asked to shake Orry’s hand. We’re friends, right?BRUCE: They sure are!ORRY: Anything you say, Jack! (JACK offers his hand to shake, as does

ORRY. JACK sprinkles some of the itching powder on ORRY.)AGGIE: Jack!ZOLTAN: What’re you doing?JACK: Hey! What’s wrong with this stuff? (Shakes some powder on

BRUCE. CASSIE ENTERS and taps her palm. ALL FREEZE.)CASSIE: Subject number two, Orry?ORRY: Defi nitely. Itch powder.CASSIE: Too bad for him we can’t get skin irritations.ORRY: Humility or brains?CASSIE: Defi nitely humility.ORRY: Eight again?CASSIE: A full serving of humble pie.ORRY: (Crosses to JACK and aims his thumbs at each of JACK’S ears.

SOUND EFFECT: ZAP. LIGHTS FLASH. ORRY staggers backwards, stunned.) Whoa! That oughta do it. (CASSIE touches her palm. ALL UNFREEZE.)

BRUCE: (Scratches like crazy.) Nothin’s wrong with this stuff!JACK: Bruce, are you all right?BRUCE: Scratch my back! Scratch my back!JACK: (Does so.) Orry, I’m really sorry! I don’t know what got into me.ORRY: Hey, we’re cool, Jack.JACK: And you know what I’d appreciate, Orry? Save one dance with

Wynona for me.ORRY: You can have all of ’em, Jack. I’m here with Aggie. C’mon!

(ORRY, AGGIE, ZOLTAN, MACARONI, TRACY and CHRISTINA cross LEFT.)

WYNONA: (ENTERS RIGHT followed by HEATHER and JENNA.) Jack! Oh, baby, you’re here!

JACK: Wynona! You look… you look… terrifi c!WYNONA: So do you!BRUCE: Jack? Keep scratching!JENNA: What’s wrong with Bruce?BRUCE: (Scratches.) A little accident with itching powder.JACK: You wanna take over scratching Bruce’s back, Jenna? Wynona

and I want to dance.JENNA: Best offer I’ve had all night. (Scratches BRUCE’S back.)

For preview only

43

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

TIFFY: (ENTERS LEFT with MUFFY.) All right! Everybody hold it right where you are!

MUFFY: Police!HEATHER: Oh, gosh! We’re busted!JACK: How can we be busted? We haven’t done a thing!WYNONA: I thought you two were too old to be students. You can see

your white roots.TIFFY: Listen, sister, any more cracks like that, and I’ll haul you in.JENNA: On what charge?TIFFY: Insulting the law!MUFFY: But right now we got bigger fi sh to fry.ZOLTAN: You mean like in the electric chair?TIFFY: If the jury sees it that way!MUFFY: (To AGGIE.) Lady, we’re arresting you for stealing and high

treason!AGGIE: What?CHRISTINA: Aggie’s never stolen a thing in her life.TRACY: And she doesn’t even know what high treason is. (A beat.)

Do you?AGGIE: This is ridiculous.ORRY: What has Aggie stolen?TIFFY: Top secret information stored in the library.AGGIE: Why would I steal it?MUFFY: So you can send it back to your foreign government!AGGIE: In Sheldon, Illinois?TIFFY: Don’t play cute with us! We know you’re not from Earth.WYNONA: Oh, offi cer, you’ve got that all wrong. That’s my fault. I was

angry and I did a really stupid thing and started a rumor about Aggie, and I am soooooo sorry.

ORRY: You know something, offi cers? I think you’ve got your wires crossed.

MERRIDEW: (Follows DORA ON LEFT.) What’s going on?TIFFY: We told you we’d have the case wrapped up.MUFFY: And here she is!DORA: Aggie Ferris?MERRIDEW: You were stealing from the library?TIFFY: Government secrets!MUFFY: And selling them to another galaxy!

For preview only

NOTE: PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS

44

AGGIE: It’s not true, Mr. Merridew! But I do know who the real thief is.TIFFY: Oldest trick in the books, right, Worthington?HEATHER: Gosh, I thought her name was Muffy.MUFFY: Makes no difference now. You can’t pin this rap on anybody

else, girl! Your goose is cooked!MACARONI: Yeah, by a couple of turkeys! (Gives ZOLTAN a high fi ve

and they race OFF LEFT.)TIFFY: What say we haul them in, too.MUFFY: Obstruction of justice!ORRY: This doesn’t sound like justice at all. What do you think,

Cassie?CASSIE: (Taps her palm. ALL FREEZE.) I think these two could do with

a few more brains.ORRY: You said a mouthful.CASSIE: You know, Orry? I’m gonna miss these funny human

expressions.ORRY: Yeah, well, we don’t have to. What level? Six, seven or eight?CASSIE: These two need ten, but go for eight. We wouldn’t want their

heads to explode.ORRY: Righto! (Crosses to TIFFY and aims his left index fi nger at her.

SOUND EFFECT: ZAP. LIGHTS FLASH. ORRY gets a shock. He does the same with MUFFY. SOUND EFFECT: ZAP. LIGHTS FLASH. ORRY is shocked once again.)

CASSIE: Orry, what’d you mean “We don’t have to”?ORRY: We don’t have to go back.CASSIE: You want to stay here?ORRY: Don’t you? (Taps his palm. ALL UNFREEZE.)TIFFY: So, what do you think, Offi cer Worthington?MUFFY: Ms. Ferris might know something important.MERRIDEW: That’s more like it, offi cers. What do you know, Ms.

Ferris?WILEY: (ENTERS RIGHT.) Oh, Ms. Dickens! I’ve been looking everywhere

for you!DORA: The offi cers have found out who’s been robbing the library.WILEY: They have?TIFFY: Actually our investigation is ongoing.WILEY: Oh, well, then… you don’t really have anything do you?MERRIDEW: But you said a minute ago—MUFFY: Sorry, Mr. Merridew, but I think my partner and I weren’t using

our heads.

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

40

For preview only

45

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

40

ORRY: But you are now, right?TIFFY: Precisely! So, Ms. Ferris, you were saying?AGGIE: You lost your briefcase, didn’t you, Mr. Lincoln?WILEY: Yes, a couple days ago. I left it in here and it just disappeared.DORA: You were helping me through a crisis, you dear man.WILEY: Yes, sweetie pie.AGGIE: Well, I found your briefcase. You want it back?WILEY: How did you…? I mean… where…? I mean… yes! I want it

now!AGGIE: Here’s Macaroni and Zoltan with it now.MACARONI: (Follows ZOLTAN ON LEFT. ZOLTAN holds WILEY’S

briefcase.) Lemme carry it!ZOLTAN: Aggie asked me! (Drops the briefcase and the contents spill

out.)MACARONI/ZOLTAN: Ooooops!DORA: Why… why… those are some of the folders from the collection!MERRIDEW: Mr. Lincoln! Does this mean…? Wiley! (Kneels and

scoops up the papers.) This collection contains the love letters of Millard Fillmore!

WYNONA: Love letters? How sweet!JACK: Who’s Millard Fillmore?ORRY: A president a long time ago.WILEY: But his letters are worth a fortune! And they’re mine! You’ll

never get them back!DORA: But, Wiley! Does this mean we’re fi nished?WILEY: We never even started, sweetie pie.DORA: (Picks up the pie.) Don’t sweetie pie me! (Smashes the pie into

WILEY’S face. He screams, tears the papers away from MERRIDEW and runs OFF RIGHT.)

TIFFY: Don’t worry, Mr. Merridew…MUFFY: He won’t get far with us on his tail! Those basketball practices

might be good for something after all! (Runs OFF RIGHT followed by TIFFY. LIGHTS FLASH. SOUND EFFECT: THUNDER. BLACKOUT. LIGHTS UP. ALL but ORRY and CASSIE are FROZEN. HYDRA, DRAKA, LEO and NORMA are CENTER.)

DRAKA: Well, Orion, it appears our re-education plan works.HYDRA: Perfectly!NORMA: Unfortunately, Earth defenses will be a bit stronger now.LEO: Yes, those two now have functioning brains.DRAKA: It’s too bad our efforts here were in vain.

For preview only

46

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

ORRY: What do you mean, Draka?HYDRA: A new decision has come from O. Brother.ALL: (Salutes.) O. Brother!CASSIE: What’s up?DRAKA: The new exclusive resort will be on planet Xycon. It’s six

times the size of Earth.HYDRA: Our fearless leader needs more room to spread out.DRAKA: And the Xyconians will make excellent servants! So, let’s

return home to Planet Vesperon for a new assignment.ORRY: I… I’d like to stay here.NORMA: Orry! Why would you want to do that?LEO: I think I know.CASSIE: He’s stuck on Aggie.NORMA: Orry, it’s just puppy love.ORRY: Aggie’s no dog!NORMA: It just means you’ve got a crush.DRAKA: It will pass.HYDRA: Like acne.ORRY: I don’t care. I want to stay here.DRAKA: It will be seven Earth years before we can return.ORRY: I don’t care!LEO: I kind of like working at the bank. I have been implanting ethical

practices and combating greed.NORMA: And it seems to be paying off, no pun intended.CASSIE: I like it here, too. It’s primitive, but when it gets too much, we

can always stop the clock.DRAKA: What say you, Hydra?HYDRA: If the Constellas want to stay, who are we to stop them?DRAKA: And there are other Vesperonians living on Earth.ORRY: Who? Where?HYDRA: We’re not at liberty to say.DRAKA: (SOUND EFFECT: CAR HONKING.) Time to go! Are you all

certain you want to carry on here?ORRY: Yes!HYDRA: Then farewell. We will report to O. Brother.ALL: (Salute.) O. Brother! (LIGHTS FLASH. SOUND EFFECT: THUNDER.

BLACKOUT. LIGHTS UP. HYDRA and DRAKA are OUT.)NORMA: All right, you two, have a nice time at the dance.CASSIE: We will.

For preview only

47

1

5

10

15

20

25

LEO: And don’t be home late or you’ll be grounded.ORRY: On Earth I hope!NORMA: Kids!LEO: C’mon, Norma, let’s go light the fi re and watch that old movie.NORMA: The Day the Earth Stood Still. Makes me feel at home. (EXITS

RIGHT with LEO. ORRY touches his palm. ALL UNFREEZE.)DORA: Oh, Mr. Merridew! What am I going to do now?AGGIE: How about you two dance?MERRIDEW: Ms. Dickens and me? Why… why…DORA: Oh, why not? (Dances with MERRIDEW. ALL follow suit and

dance. AGGIE touches her palm. LIGHTS FLASH. SOUND EFFECT: THUNDER. ALL but ORRY, CASSIE and AGGIE FREEZE.)

ORRY: Cassie!CASSIE: I didn’t do that!AGGIE: Surprise!ORRY: Aggie?AGGIE: My real name is Agamemnon, but that’ll be our little secret,

okay? (Touches her palm again. ALL dance OFF LEFT.)ZELDA: (ENTERS LEFT followed by NELDA. They each have a mop and a

bucket.) Now, Nelda, you see? There’s nothing to be afraid of. Hear the music? The kids are having a dance.

NELDA: And there are no space creatures?ZELDA: The doctors said you’re not supposed to even think about

them. Oh, my, somebody made a mess. Let’s get to work.HYDRA: (LIGHTS FLASH. ENTERS RIGHT with DRAKA.) Excuse us…DRAKA: Which way is planet Xycon? (NELDA and ZELDA scream and

run OFF LEFT. FADE TO BLACKOUT. CURTAIN.)End of Play

For preview only

NOTE: PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS

48

PRODUCTION NOTES

PROPERTIES ONSTAGEACT ONE: Several chairs, two tables, bulletin board with various

notices—“Science Fair, Saturday, 8 a.m. to 4 p.m.” and “Be there if you’re square,” poster reading “Winter Wonderland Dance, Saturday Night.”

ACT TWO: A cream pie on one of the tables (Scene Three)

PROPERTIES BROUGHT ON

ACT ONEScene One:

Mop, bucket (NELDA)Makeup, hand mirrors (WYNONA, JENNA, HEATHER)Clipboard and pen (WYNONA)Foil wraps, bulky coats (AGGIE, CHRISTINA, TRACY)Briefcase (WILEY)Badge, gum (TIFFY)Gum (MUFFY)Edible computer chips* (HYDRA)

Scene Two:Makeup, hand mirrors (WYNONA, JENNA, HEATHER)Wool blankets (AGGIE, CHRISTINA, TRACY)Briefcase (WILEY)Mop, bucket (ZELDA)Comb (CASSIE)Alien fabric (ORRY)

Scene Three:Flowers, bow of candy, iPhone (JACK)Purse (JENNA)

Scene Four:Alien fabric (TRACY, CHRISTINA)Alien mapping device (LEO)Cell phone, briefcase (WILEY)

ACT TWOScene One:

Mop, bucket (ZELDA)Huge coffee mugs (TIFFY, MUFFY)

For preview only

49

Stack of books (DORA)Alien fabric, paper, pencil (AGGIE)Cell phone (WYNONA)Cream pie (MACARONI)Bicycle horn (ZOLTAN)Briefcase (WILEY)

Scene Two:Cell phone (WILEY)Blue ribbon (AGGIE)Project board (CHRISTINA)

Scene Three:Canister with “Itch and Twitch” label (JACK)Briefcase containing papers (ZOLTAN)Mop, bucket (NELDA, ZELDA)

* The computer chips that are swallowed might be breath strips, potato chips or some other small edible. These could also be pantomimed.

SOUND EFFECTSThunder, zap, car honking, dance music.

COSTUME SUGGESTIONSThe STUDENTS should be dressed in modern, casual attire. WYNONA, JENNA and HEATHER’S style is trendier and more fashionable than the others. WYNONA wears a sleeveless top. JACK and BRUCE might wear basketball jerseys. AGGIE wears jeans and a Western shirt. Her attire sets her apart from the other students, showing that she is the new girl. During the dance, the students wear more formal attire. MR. MERRIDEW, DORA and WILEY wear more professional clothing for working in a school. MR. MERRIDEW would have a full suit, while WILEY might be more casual in dress slacks and a nice shirt. DORA would wear a fl attering but simple dress.

TIFFY and MUFFY wear the iconic fashions of the 1980s, specifi cally, big hair, leggings, oversized sweaters or other humorous style throwbacks. For the dance, they wear coats and formal dresses from the 1980s.HYDRA and DRAKA wear long, fl owing robes and horrible masks with large eyes. LEO wears a suit and tie, NORMA pants, blouse, and apron, while CASSIE is dressed conventionally. ORRY wears jeans and a western shirt.

For preview only

Thank you for reading this E-view. This E-view script from Pioneer Drama Service will stay permanently in your Pioneer Library, so you can view it whenever you log in on our website. Please feel free to save it as a pdf document to your computer if you wish to share it via email with colleagues assisting you with your show selection.

To produce this show, you can order scripts for your cast and crew and arrange for performance royalties via our website or by phone, fax, or mail.

If you’d like advice on other plays or musicals to read, our customer service representatives are happy to assist you when you call 800.333.7262 during normal business hours.

Thank you for your interest in our plays and musicals.

www.pioneerdrama.com

800.333.7262Outside of North America 303.779.4035 Fax 303.779.4315

PO Box 4267Englewood, CO 80155-4267

We’re here to help!

CHOOSE HOW YOU RECEIVE YOUR SCRIPTS.We give you more delivery options than any other publisher for receiving both your preview scripts and your full production orders. See our website for more about our many electronic delivery options for both preview and production orders.

TRUST OUR INTEGRITY.Our family-owned and operated company is proud to offer wholesome scripts appropriate for children’s and community theatres, schools, and churches.

STAY WITHIN A REASONABLE BUDGET.Our affordable scripts offer straightforward costuming, trouble-free props and stage effects, and sets that can be as simple or as elaborate as you desire.

MAINTAIN CONTROL OF YOUR CASTING.We help you tailor your play for your specific cast size, not the other way around.  

BE ORIGINAL.Get access to fresh, new musicals that let your actors practice true character development instead of simply mimicking Disney or the musicals that are done over and over again.

ENJOY FLEXIBLE PRODUCTION OPTIONS.All Pioneer Drama plays and musicals can be licensed for traditional, livestreamed, recorded, or online performances. Once you’ve set up your royalties, you can switch your performance type with no restrictions if your plans change.

DIRECTORS LOVE PIONEER DRAMA SERVICE