Candid Conversations that Drive Results - NAMIC - Home...Candid Conversations that Drive Results Thursday, February 28, 2013, 11:10 a.m. and 2:45 p.m. Tracy Butz Trainer/Owner Think

Candid Conversations that Drive Results Thursday, February 28, 2013, 11:10 a.m. and 2:45 p.m.

Tracy Butz Trainer/Owner Think Impact Solutions Appleton, Wis. Tracy Butz, owner of Think Impact Solutions, is an inspirational speaker, captivating author, and successful entrepreneur. She has 18 years of experience in actively engaging large and small audiences from a wide range of industries including the U.S. Army, the National Association for Mutual Insurance Companies, McCain Foods, 4imprint, Plexus Corporation, and Subway restaurants just to name a few. As a past director of learning and development for a regional mutual insurance company, she has significant experience in leading employee and agent training initiatives while receiving stellar performance accolades. Tracy truly delivers the tools for today’s world, propelling her audiences to live more productive, passionate, and purposeful lives. Session Description: Having a difficult conversation is no easy task. It’s uncomfortable, stressful, and certainly no fun. This program focuses on six key strategies to help you effectively engage in open, meaningful dialogue that will allow for a greater degree of understanding with others, while also allowing people to achieve more productive and positive relationships.

Top Three Session Ideas Tools or tips you learned from this session and can apply back at the office.

1. ______________________________________________________________________

2. _______________________________________________________________________

3. ________________________________________________________________________

Candid Conversations that Drive Results Session Outline

Overview Conflict Defined Challenge of Candor

• Six Strategies Overview • Exercise

Strategy 1: Identify your Purpose

• Three Questions to Ask Yourself • Example

Strategy 2: Consider Timing and Location

• Address the Matter as Soon as Possible, But Timing is Critical • Determine the Location for the Discussion • Discuss the Issue Face-to-face and One-on-one; Avoid Addressing it Via Email

Strategy 3: Start with an Opening Statement that Invites Dialogue

• Examples of Opening Statements • Body Language • Sound of Voice Elements • Spoken Words • Example – State Facts • Avoid “You” Statements

Strategy 4: Communicate Facts, Interpretation, Then Feelings

• Another Option • Key Concept: If you Want to Change your Results, you Must Change the

Interpretations you Make Strategy 5: Encourage the Other Person to Share His/her Thoughts, Concerns, Feelings or Ideas

• Demonstrate You Understand How the Other Person Feels • If Words Don’t Match Body Language… • Example • Addressing Perceived Relationship Issue

o Example Strategy 6: Keep your Emotions in Control

• Negative, Non-verbal Examples • Harsh, Verbal Examples • Prior to the Conversation Tips • During the Conversation Tips • What to do When you Have Behaved Poorly

Questions & Answers

with Tracy Butz, Think Impact Solutions

[email protected]

NAMIC Commercial Lines Seminar

February 28, 2013

Discover why consciously determining the purpose of your conversation can have a tremendous effect the outcome.

Learn communication strategies that can help in better understanding the other person while also better controlling your own reactions.

Realize the importance of starting a conversation using an opening statement that invites dialogue, focusing on the specific behavior in question rather than on the person.

Encourage others to share their thoughts and feelings, while effectively maintaining both composure and control of your own emotions.

Engage in open, meaningful dialogue which will help you to more fully understand one another and achieve enhanced, more productive and positive relationships.

2013 NAMIC Commercial Lines Seminar - Butz Page 1 of 22

…are not about one person being right and one person being wrong.

Conflict is a natural byproduct of people having different needs, interests & goals.

The challenge of being candid is learning to say:

The right thing To the right person At the right time For the right reason In the right way


1. Clearly identify the purpose.

2. Consider timing and location.

3. Start with a statement that invites dialogue.

4. Share the facts, your interpretation, then how you feel.

5. Encourage other person to share thoughts.

6. Keep your emotions in control.

The state or quality of being frank, open, and sincere in speech or expression.

Candor


Think about the last time someone gave you some tough or delicate feedback and you didn’t become defensive.

Why were you so open to this feedback?

What did the other person do that made it okay to say what he/she said?

Clearly identify your purpose for having the conversation, before engaging in it.


Three questions to ask yourself:

1. Why am I going to discuss this issue?

2. What do I hope to accomplish?

3. What would the ideal outcome be?

A fellow associate is arriving to work 15-30 minutes late, at least one day per week, for the last several weeks.

Her degree of focus seems to be less than usual, she is very quick to challenge others, takes a strong stance, and is quite argumentative on almost a daily basis.

As a colleague and a friend for over three years, you have not seen this behavior from her before.


Three questions to ask yourself:

1. Why am I going to discuss this issue?

2. What do I hope to accomplish?

3. What would the ideal outcome be?

Consider the timing and location

of the conversation.


Address the matter as soon as possible, but timing is critical.

Determine the location for the discussion.

Discuss the issue face-to-face and one-on-one; avoid addressing it via email.








Start with an

opening statement

that invites dialogue.


A. “I have something I’d like to discuss with you that I think will help us work together more effectively.”

B. “I need your help with what just happened. Do you have a few minutes to talk?”

C. “I think we have different perceptions about ____. I need you to listen to what I have to say.”

D. “I’d like to talk about ____. I think we may have different ideas on how to ____.”

“I have something I’d like to discuss with you that I think will help us work together more effectively.”

“I need your help with what just happened. Do you have a few minutes to talk?"

"I need your help with something. Can we talk about it soon?”

"I think we have different perceptions about ________. I’d like to hear your thoughts on this."

“I’d like to talk about ________. I think we may have different ideas on how to ________."

“I’d like to see if we might reach a better understanding about _______. I really want to hear your thoughts and feelings about this and share my perspective as well."


% Body language

% How someone sounds

% Spoken words

38

55

7

Body Language

The non-verbal movements we make as a part of how we communicate.


Facial signals

Head tilts

Eyes

Eyebrows & forehead

Mouth

Gestures

a. Pitch

b. Volume

c. Rate

d. Articulation

e. Tone

Speed

Enunciate or pronounce clearly

Loudness/softness of voice

How you say things; warmth

Inflection, variation


a. Pitch

b. Volume

c. Rate

d. Articulation

e. Tone

Speed

Enunciate or pronounce clearly

Loudness/softness of voice

How you say things; warmth

Inflection, variation

C

d

b

e

a

Choose words carefully Use positive statements Avoid using the word ‘you’ if possible

One way: “The project can’t go smoothly if you don’t come in on time.”

Better way:“For the project to go smoothly, it’s important to be punctual.”


“On Tuesday, February 26, John was unable to deliver his entire presentation because he was waiting for everyone to arrive before starting.”

“By arriving 15 minutes late to the conference room, John started late and had to end before he could get through all of his material. I need punctuality to be a priority.”

Example – State Facts

“YOU” Statements

People may react defensively to what was said

“YOU” can sound accusatory and judgmental

“Enhanced” Statements

Taking 100% responsibility for what is said

Promote cooperation and understanding


Start with an opening statement that invites dialogue

Choose words carefully, pay attention to how you are communicating, and also watch body language

State “Enhanced” statements over “YOU” statements

Facts Interpretation Feelings


What are the facts?

What different interpretations could I make?

My interpretation led to what feeling and action?

If we adjust our interpretation of the situation, we will likely have a different emotion, which will cause us to act in a different way and therefore lead to a different, more positive result.


If you want to change your results, you must change the interpretations

you make.

Encourage the other person to share his/her thoughts, concerns, feelings, or ideas.

Strategy #5


a. In other words…b. So what you’re saying is…c. To summarize what you’ve said…d. What I heard you say was…e. Let me rephrase that…f. Let’s see if I understand you…g. So your point/frustration is…h. If I understand you correctly…i. So you think that…

Probe further

Use soft, inquisitive words


You and a colleague are part of a project team that recently had the scope of it significantly expand. You ask your teammate how he feels about it, and he says, “Its fine, I can deal with it.” (and sighs)

“By the way you just sighed, I tend to think you may not really feel it is fine.” (pause)

Practice stating the facts

Practice explaining your interpretation of the facts & how you feel

Practice asking for the other person’s perspective


Both Ben and Sam have worked on this critical project team for the last 12 months. During the last month, though, you’ve noticed that they don’t seem to talk to each other during the weekly project update meetings, also appearing to even avoid making simple eye contact with one another. Communication is a vital component of any successful project team.

You are concerned that this behavior may impact the overall success of the project. You aren’t sure if they’ve had a disagreement or what exactly happened. You are also certainly willing to help them resolve it, but regardless, this issue worries you and you feel it needs to be settled quickly so that the team works cohesively again. You decide to address this situation with Sam, in a neutral, private area. What do you say?

“During the last month, I have noticed that you and Ben don’t talk much during the project update meetings and appear to avoid basic eye contact. This is unusual behavior for both of you, since working on this project in the last 11 months.” FACT

“I am starting to wonder if the two of you had a disagreement, allowing it to affect your communication and responsibilities related to this critical project.” INTERPRETATION

“You both are vital contributors to this project team. I am concerned and I’d like to help you both resolve the issue. Maintaining open communication and working cohesively together is critical to the success of this project.”

“Am I viewing this situation correctly or is there something else going on that I should know about?” ASK OTHER’S PERSPECTIVE


When a discussion heats up and we become emotionally engaged, we often revert to:

Using harsh, damaging words

Sending strong, non-verbal messages through body language or subtle actions

Negative, non-verbal examples Avoiding discussion/person Lack of participation on project/team Cold stare Silent treatment Selectively showing opinions

Harsh, verbal examples Blame Label people or ideas Attack, punish, coerce Manipulate


Prior to the Conversation: Prepare for the situation; think through how it may go

and how you’ve reacted in the past

Proactively access why someone would react a certain way and how you can best handle it

During the Conversation: Focus on what the person is trying to communicate Understand the other person’s perspective Minimize added drama; don’t bring up old issues Say you need time to regain composure Remind yourself of what’s really important

1. Apologize

2. Correct the misunderstanding, focusing on your intent

Do NOT use the word “but”

Use “instead, rather, however” or pause


1. Clearly identify the purpose.

2. Consider timing and location.

3. Start with a statement that invites dialogue.

4. Share the facts, your interpretation, then how you feel.

5. Encourage other person to share thoughts.


with Tracy Butz, Think Impact Solutions

[email protected]


February 28, 2013


Participant Guide


Candid Conversations that Drive Results

As a speaker, author & entrepreneur, Tracy Butz empowers others to create the life they want to live.

Tracy Butz

Owner

Think Impact Solutions

[email protected]

www.tracybutz.com

920.450.2118

©2013 Think Impact Solutions, LLC | All Rights Reserved. 1

Tracy Butz, Think Impact Solutions


Course Overview:

Most conflicts are not about one person being right and one person being wrong. Even the nicest, most reasonable people engage in conflict. Conflict is a natural byproduct of people having different needs, interests and goals. Throughout “Candid Conversations that Drive Results,” you will learn a six key strategies to enhance both your thinking & talking skills so that you can more effectively share tough messages in a way that maximizes candor and minimizes defensiveness. Six Strategies:

1. Identify your purpose for having the conversation, before you engage in it.

2. Consider the timing and location for the conversation.

3. Start with an opening statement that invites dialogue.

4. Communicate the facts, your interpretation and how you feel about the situation.

5. Encourage the other person to share his/her thoughts and feelings.


Program Objectives:

Discover why consciously determining the purpose of your conversation can have a tremendous effect the outcome.

Learn communication strategies that can help in better understanding the other person while also better controlling your own reactions.

Realize the importance of starting a conversation using an opening statement that invites dialogue, focusing on the specific behavior in question rather than on the person.

Encourage others to share their thoughts and feelings, while effectively maintaining both composure and control of your own emotions.

Engage in open, meaningful dialogue which will help you to more fully understand one another and achieve enhanced, more productive and positive relationships.

“How few there are who have courage enough to own their faults, or resolution enough to mend them.”

~ Benjamin Franklin




Definition of Candor: The state or quality of being frank, ______________, and sincere in speech or expression. It

requires both trust and safety.

Strategy #1:

Clearly Identify Your Purpose for Having the Conversation, Before Engaging in It

Be certain your goals are honorable and your intent is pure. Their perception of your INTENT will influence their behavior during the discussion.

Instructions:

Read through the scenario noted below. Then answer the three related questions.

You’ve noticed that one of your fellow colleagues is coming to work 15-30 minutes late, at least one day per week, for the last several weeks. Also, her degree of focus seems to be less than usual and she is very quick to challenge others, take a strong stance, and is argumentative on almost a daily basis. As a colleague and a friend for over three years, you have not seen this behavior from her before.

Why am I going to discuss this issue?

What do I hope to accomplish?

What would the ideal outcome be?

Strategy #2:

Consider the Timing and Location of the Conversation

Address the matter as soon as possible; however, timing is critical.

Determine the location for the discussion. Remember that _____________ is important.

Address the issue face-to-face and ____________________. Avoid handling it in email.




Strategy #3:

Start With an Opening Statement that Invites Dialogue

Instructions: Put a check mark in the box next to those statements you feel comfortable using.

"I have something I’d like to discuss with you that I think will help us work together more

effectively.”

“I need your help with what just happened. Do you have a few minutes to talk?"

"I need your help with something. Can we talk about it (soon)?"

(If he/she says, "Sure, let me get back to you," follow up with that person.)

"I think we have different perceptions about [______________]. I’d like to hear your thoughts

on this."

“I’d like to talk about [______________]. I think we may have different ideas on how to

[______________]."

“I’d like to see if we might reach a better understanding about [______________]. I really

want to hear your thoughts and feelings about this and share my perspective as well."

Forms of Communication

Instructions: In each of the three boxes, note the percentage we generally use when interpreting communication. The three boxes should total 100%. % Body language

% How someone sounds

% Spoken words

Body Language: The ____________________ movements we make as a part of how we communicate.

Facial signals Head tilts Eyes

Eyebrows and forehead Mouth Gestures (using body & arms)




Sound of Voice: The sound of your voice involves 5 aspects. Instructions: Determine which word corresponds to the appropriate description, placing the correct letter in the box beside the definition.

a. Pitch

b. Volume

c. Rate

d. Articulation

e. Tone

Spoken Words:

Choose words ________________. Words have meaning and they do matter. You can’t take them back, so think before you speak.

Be sure to avoid __________________ statements, accusations, and demands, to ensure

dialogue continues.

Focus on the issue and the behavior, rather than on the individual.

Be __________________ about the concern, noting the time and date, the location and the reason for bringing the issue up.

It is also very helpful to avoid using the word “you” when addressing the situation, as it can be taken personally or even viewed as a personal attack.

“YOU” statements can be converted to “I” statements and then to “ENHANCED” ones.

YOU I ENHANCED You made a mistake. I believe you made a mistake. Can we please talk about an error that I

believe has occurred?

Your idea won’t work. I really don’t think your idea is going to work.

I have a concern about this idea. Do you have time today to discuss it?

Your change will cost more because it is not part of the current process.

I feel your change request may cost more money to implement because it is not part of the current process.

I believe this change request is outside our current process. Let’s take a moment to discuss it and understand how this proposed change may impact our workflow.

Speed

Enunciate or pronounce words clearly

Loudness of voice

How you say things; warmth and understanding

Inflections, variation




Directions: Begin by writing a “YOU” statement in the space provided below. Write a statement that expresses your disagreement with someone else’s view about something or a statement you might make to criticize someone’s work performance.

“YOU(r) .” Convert the “YOU” statement you wrote into an “ENHANCED” statement. “I .”

Strategy #4: Communicate the Facts, Your Interpretation of it, and then How You Feel

The Car Scenario: What are the facts?

What interpretation was made?

That interpretation led to what feeling and action?

If we adjust our ______________________ of the situation, we will likely have a different

______________________, which will cause us to act in a different way and therefore lead

to a different, more positive ________________________.




Example of Strategies 4&5:

“During the last month, I have noticed that you and Ben don’t talk much during the project update meetings and appear to avoid basic eye contact. This is unusual behavior for both of you, since working on this project over the past 11 months.” FACT “I am starting to wonder if the two of you had a disagreement, allowing it to affect your communication and responsibilities related to this critical project.” INTERPRETATION “You both are vital contributors to this project team. I am concerned and I’d like to help you both resolve this issue. Maintaining open communication and working cohesively together is critical to the success of this project.” FEELING “Am I viewing this situation correctly or have I misinterpreted something (or am I totally wrong)?”

ASK OTHER’S PERSPECTIVE

Strategy #5: Encourage Other Person to Share Thoughts, Concerns, and Feelings

As you are engaged in the exchange:

Try to understand the other person rather than continuing to drive your point

Continue to remind yourself of the purpose/goal for addressing this issue

Ask ___________________________ questions

Acknowledge the other person’s point of view by carefully restating what you heard

Strategy #6: Keep Your Emotions in Control

When a discussion heats up and we become emotionally engaged, we often revert to:

Using harsh, damaging words

Sending strong, non-verbal messages through body language or subtle actions

Prior to the conversation:

Prepare for the situation; think through how the conversation may go; how have you

reacted in the past

Write down what you think the person might say that could potentially send you over

the edge. Go through each item and proactively assess why, from their vantage point,

he or she would say such a thing. Go into the conversation prepared and you will

maintain greater composure.




During the conversation:

Take a deep breath; count to 10

Consciously lower your voice

Focus on what the person is trying to communicate

Acknowledge other person’s feelings

Listen more than you talk; really try to understand the other person’s perspective

Minimize added drama by not bringing up old or irrelevant issues

Say you need a few minutes/some time to regain your composure – to continue talking

If the conversation starts to head down a dangerous path, remind yourself what is really important and that the other person is likely hurting right now

Correcting Our Poor Behavior:

If we know we’ve just behaved poorly, and/or the person we are talking to becomes upset, quickly,

courageously and sincerely:

a. Apologize

b. Correct the misunderstanding, focusing on your intent

Be sure to avoid using the word “but.” Use the words: instead, rather, however or pause.

Example:

You’re talking with a co-worker about the fact that she shared a private matter of yours (ill parent)

with another mutual friend, when you asked her not to tell anyone. As soon as you bring up the

issue, she clearly becomes defensive and says, “I don’t know why it’s such a huge secret anyway!

When my Dad had a stroke, I told both of you right away!”

Recommended Approach:

You now realize that you have said things in a way that wasn’t appropriate. What do you say to correct it?

“I am so sorry for sharing private information about your parent with Sally.” (apologize)

“I wasn’t intending to break confidence with you, rather, I was feeling helpless and wanted to see if Sally had any ideas of how we could help you through this.” (correct misunderstanding; focus on intent)

Additional Strategies to Consider:

Clarify your intent on the front end to avoid a negative reaction.

If you don’t understand the other person at all, strive to reach a common ground.




Practicing Strategy #6

Post-session Activity

Instructions: For the scenarios below, determine the words you would say to apologize and correct the misunderstanding, practicing strategy #6.

Case Study A - Gossip/Negativity in the Workplace:

Bob’s workstation, located next to yours, tends to be the social gathering spot. Bob has been with the

company for 8 years and everyone wants to know what Bob thinks about things. The problem is that the

conversations are usually negative and often times they contain gossip about certain individuals. This has

been bothering you for a while, so you decide to now confront the situation. (assume you are addressing

this issue with Bob in a private area)

“Bob, I am wondering if I could talk with you about something that has been on my mind for a while. I truly

respect your tenure and the degree of influence you have here, and I would like to get your thoughts. Do

you have some time either now or later today to talk?”

Bob responds, “Ya, I guess I can make time. What do you want to talk about?” You say, “Because we sit

next to each another in cubicles, conversations we have with people tend to be easily overheard by

others. I’ve noticed lately, for instance on Monday, that Sharon stopped by and was complaining about

the recent change in benefits.” Bob quickly interrupts you with strong, unfriendly body language and says,

“What Sharon and I talk about is none of your business. Why are you listening to what we are talking

about anyway?”

Case Study B – Work/Life Balance Issue:

You have been with this organization for about 5 years and really enjoy your job. One of your colleagues,

David, has recently left the organization and you have been asked to absorb the workload in the interim,

until someone new is hired. You understand and are ready and willing to be a team player.

It is now six months later and the toll has started to take effect. You are tired of the long hours and feel

your work quality is suffering as you don’t have time to get everything done the way you would like. You

just had your mid-year performance review where your boss, Angela, tells you how appreciative she is for

all the extra hours you have been putting in and has even said she doesn’t know what she would do

without you. According to her, the job search continues but she is waiting to find the right person. You

decide it is time to confront the issue in her office.

“Angela, I am wondering if you have a few minutes to talk?” “Sure,” she says, “What’s on your mind?” It

has been six months since David left and I realize that you are still looking for the right person to replace

him. I am wondering if you are any closer to filling that position, as I am struggling to keep up?” Angela

noticeably becomes upset and says, “Do you realize that you are the third person to come into my office

today to complain about their workload? We all have to step up and work harder at times, especially

when we lose high quality talent!”




1 – Clearly Identify Your Purpose for Having the Conversation Why should you discuss this issue? What do you hope to accomplish? What’s the ideal outcome?

2 – Consider the Timing and Location of the Conversation When do you plan to address this issue? Where will you have the conversation?

3 – Start with an Opening Statement that Invites Conversation Consider body language, sound of voice and spoken words. Focus on behavior, not the person. Use “ENHANCED” statements over “YOU” statements.

4 – Communicate the Facts, Your Interpretation and How You Feel What are the facts? What interpretation did you make? That led to what feeling and action?

5 – Encourage the Other Person to Share his/her Thoughts and Feelings Why might this person feel this way? Acknowledge others point of view, clarifying what you hear.

6 – Keep Your Emotions in Control What are your tendencies in a conflict? What verbal/non-verbal signs do you anticipate? How can you prepare? If you become emotional and say something damaging, apologize and clarify intent.

CANDID CONVERSATION PREPARATION GUIDE




Tracy is also the proud author of nine books, all published since December 2010! The newest book, “Tame the

Turbulence,” will help you to better prevent, reduce and cope with stressors you encounter, allowing for an

enhanced lif.rovides key maneuvers to help you be the pilot in your life and “Conscious Choices: 10 Powerful

Strategies to Grab Control and Transform Your Life” will help you discover insightful ways to overcome

obstaclesgfdsf

Mini-buks have been uniquely designed to provide daily inspiration. “Monday’s Motivational Message” will help

you jump-start your week in a positive way. The new five-book mini-series, “Moments of Motivation,” uses a similar

theme, developed for a specific weekday.

Beyond speaking and writing, Tracy also has significant experience in an organizational development environment,

including ten years as Director of Learning and Development for a regional mutual insurance company, leading the

company’s training and organizational development initiatives. Known for consistently earning stellar performance

accolades, Tracy is skilled in the areas of leadership, performance management, engaging in difficult

conversations, navigating change, employee engagement, and interpersonal communication, to name a few. Tracy

loves life and is continually challenging herself to share her talents, message and inspiration with others. She is

poised to provide solutions for your organization's needs. Tracy truly delivers the tools for today’s world, propelling

her audiences to live more productive, passionate and purposeful lives.

Speaker Biography

Tracy Butz is a devoted wife, an energetic mom of three adventurous young men, a successful entrepreneur, a

captivating author and a true inspiration to many. Whether it is for an audience of 7, 70 or 700+, she is the speaker

of choice who has inspired thousands of individuals to “Create the Life You Want to Live.”

As a highly sought-after speaker, Tracy has delivered powerful, life-changing messages,

encouraging her audiences to identify what is most important to them and focusing their

decisions in that direction, creating a positive difference in their work, families and communities.

She is well known for her captivating and dynamic delivery, where audiences can be found

sitting on the edge of their seats, laughing aloud and brushing away tears as she masterfully

recounts each story, aligned with a key point, an impactful meaning, and an enduring message.

enhanced life—one with less stress and greater success.

“Conscious Choices” focuses on how to overcome obstacles,

make better decisions, and view setbacks with a new perspective.

“The Perfect Pair of Jeans: Design Your Life to Fit You” will guide

you on how to become the architect for your life, so that you live

your life aligned with what is most important to you. Lastly, several

Mini-buks have been uniquely designedgfdsds

Tracy’s experience actively engaging both large and small size audiences, includes clients such as the US Army,

McCain Foods, NAMIC, Kimberly-Clark, American Trust Savings Bank, Plexus Corporation, 4imprint, Great

Northern Corporation, Women’s Leadership Network, Festival Foods and Subway Restaurants, just to name a few.

Documents

Candid Conversations that Drive Results - NAMIC - Home...Candid Conversations that Drive Results Thursday, February 28, 2013, 11:10 a.m. and 2:45 p.m. Tracy Butz Trainer/Owner Think