Chapter 3

Love in Relationships

Chapter Outline

• Descriptions of Love• Love in Social and Historical Context• Theories on the Origins of Love• How Love Develops in a New Relationship• Love as a Context for Problems• Jealousy in Relationships

True or False?

• College students report that they are more likely to make relationship decisions with their heart than their head.

Answer: True

• College students report that they are more likely to make relationship decisions with their heart than their head.

True or False?

• Undergraduate women are more likely than men to believe that “jealousy shows love.”

Answer: False

• Women were significantly more likely than men to disagree or to strongly disagree that “jealousy shows how much your partner loves you”: 63.2% of the women, in contrast to 42.6% of the men, disagreed with the statement.

True or False?

• Heavy women who lose weight are more likely to become involved in a romantic relationship.

Answer: True

• Heavy women who lose weight are more likely to become involved in a romantic relationship.

Romantic vs. Realistic Love

• Romantic Love:– Characterized by such beliefs as love at

first sight, there is only one true love, and love conquers all.

– Symptoms of romantic love include drastic mood swings, palpitations of the heart, and intrusive thoughts about the partner.

Romantic vs. Realistic Love

• Realistic Love:– Also known as conjugal love. – Conjugal (married) love is less emotional,

passionate, and exciting than romantic love and is characterized by companionship, calmness, comfort, and security.

Triangular View of Love

• Sternberg’s “triangular” view of love consists of three basic elements:– Intimacy– Passion– Commitment

• The presence or absence of these provides a description of types of love.

Triangular Theory of Love

Descriptions of Love

1. Nonlove:– Absence of intimacy, passion, and commitment

• Two strangers looking at each other from afar have a nonlove.

2. Liking:– Intimacy without passion or commitment

• A new friendship may be described in these terms of the partners liking each other.

Descriptions of Love

3. Infatuation– Passion without intimacy or commitment

• Two persons flirting with each other in a bar may be infatuated with each other.

4. Romantic love– Intimacy and passion without commitment

• Love at first sight reflects this type of love.

Descriptions of Love

5. Companionate love– Intimacy and commitment without passion

• A couple who have been married for fifty years are said to have a companionate love.

6. Fatuous love– Passion and commitment without intimacy

• A couple who are passionately about each other and talk of the future but do not have an intimate connection with each other.

Descriptions of Love

7. Empty love– Commitment without passion or intimacy

• A couple who stay together for social and legal reasons but who have no spark or sharing between them.

8. Consummate love– Combination of intimacy, passion, and

commitment • Sternberg’s view of the ultimate, all-

consuming love.

Conjugal Love

• This couple reflects conjugal love.

• They are happily married, have reared two children, and enjoy their lives together.

• Pg. 73

Question

• Steinberg's triangular view of love consists of three basic elements, which are

A. intercourse, passion, and commitment.

B. intimacy, friendship, and commitment.

C. intimacy, passion, and commitment.

D. intimacy, compassion, and commitment.

Answer: C

• Steinberg's triangular view of love consists of three basic elements, which are intimacy, passion, and commitment.

Love Styles

• Ludus– Views love as a game, refuses to become

dependent, and does not encourage another’s intimacy.

• Pragma – The love of the pragmatic, who is logical

and rational.• Eros

– A love style of passion and romance.

Love Styles

• Mania – The person with mania love style feels

intense emotion and sexual passion but is out of control.

• Storge– A calm, soothing, nonsexual love devoid of

intense passion.• Agape

– A love style that is selfless and giving.

Ludite Style of Love

• The main character in the movie Alfie was a ludic lover, juggling different women and committing to none of them.

• Pg. 77

Eros Style of Love

• This university couple reflects the eros style of love, which is one of passion and romance.

• Pg. 78

Question

• Which type of love is also known as conjugal love?

A. ludic love

B. agape love

C. realistic love

D. passive love

Answer: C

• Realistic love is also known as conjugal love.

Social Control of Love

• Examples: – Over 95% of people marry someone of

their own racial background.– Individuals attracted to someone of the

same sex quickly feel the social and cultural disapproval of this attraction.

Buddhist Conception of Love

• The Buddhists conceived of two types of love:– “unfortunate” kind of love (self-love) – A “good” kind of love (creative spiritual

attainment).

Greek and Hebrew Conceptions of Love

• Phileo– Based on friendship, can exist between

family members, friends, and lovers.• Agape

– Based on a concern for the well-being of others. Spiritual, not sexual, in nature.

• Eros – Sexual love.

Question

• Which type of love is based on friendship and can exist between or among family, friends, and lovers?

A. agape

B. eros

C. phileo

D. "good" love

Answer: C

• Phileo is based on friendship and can exist between or among family, friends, and lovers.

Love in Medieval Europe

• Love in the 1100s was a concept influenced by economic, political, and family structure.

• Marriages of the sons and daughters of the aristocracy were arranged with the heirs of other states with whom an alliance was sought.

Question

• Which of the following introduced three concepts of love: phileo, agape and eros?

A. Greeks

B. Romans

C. Christians

D. Buddhists

Answer: A

• The Greeks introduced three concepts of love: phileo, agape and eros.

Theories on the Origins of Love

• Evolutionary Theory– Love has an evolutionary purpose and

creates a bond between parents when their offspring are dependent infants.

• Learning Theory– Emphasizes that love feelings develop in

response to certain behaviors occurring in certain contexts.

Theories on the Origins of Love

• Sociological Theory– Uses the wheel model to describe how love

develops. The stages of love include rapport, self revelation, mutual dependency, and personality need fulfillment.

• Psychosexual Theory– Love results from blocked biological sexual

desires.

Theories on the Origins of Love

• Biochemical Theory– Suggests that there may be a biochemical

basis for love feelings.• Attachment Theory

– Emphasizes that a primary motivation in life is to be connected with other people.

Love Theories and Criticisms

Theory Criticism

Evolutionary Assumption that women and children need men for survival is no longer true.

Learning

Does not account for why some people will share positive experiences yet will not fall in love and why some people stay in

love despite negative behavior.

Love Theories and Criticisms

Theory Criticism

PsychosexualDoes not account for people who

report intense love feelings yet are having sex regularly.

Ego-Ideal Does not account for the fact that people of similar characteristics

fall in love.

Love Theories and Criticisms

Theory Criticism

OntologicalFocus is the separation of women and men from each other as love objects. Doesn’t account for homosexual love.

BiochemicalDoes not specify how much of what

chemicals result in the feeling of love.

Attachment Some people prefer to be detached.

Question

• Which theory emphasizes that love feelings develop in response to certain behaviors occurring within certain contexts?

A. evolutionary theory

B. attachment theory

C. learning theory

D. ontological theory

Answer: C

• Learning theory emphasizes that love feelings develop in response to certain behaviors occurring within certain contexts.

Question

• Which theory states that love arises from a lack of wholeness in our being?

A. psychosexual theory

B. learning theory

C. evolutionary theory

D. ontological theory

Answer: D

• Ontological theory states that love arises from a lack of wholeness in our being.

How Love Develops in a New Relationship

• Society promotes love through popular music, movies, television, and novels.

• Probability of being in a relationship is influenced by the cultural ideal of physical appearance.

• Self-esteem and self-disclosure are associated with the development of healthy love relationships.

• The individual must be physiologically aroused.

Benefits of Self-Esteem

1. It allows one to be open and honest about both strengths and weaknesses.

2. It allows one to feel generally equal to others.

3. It allows one to take responsibility for one’s own feelings, ideas, mistakes, and failings.

4. It allows for the acceptance of strengths and weaknesses in one’s self and others.

Benefits of Self-Esteem

5. It allows one to validate one’s self and not to expect the partner to do this.

6. It permits one to feel empathy7. It allows separateness and

interdependence, as opposed to fusion and dependence.

Love as a Context for Problems

• Sometimes the development of one love relationship is at the expense of another.

• Some people report being in love with two people at the same time.

• Some are in love with someone who is emotionally or physically abusive.

Love as a Context for Problems

• Context for Risky/Dangerous/Questionable Choices– Individuals are aware that love may cause

problems.– Some research suggests that individuals in

love make risky/dangerous/questionable decisions.

Love as a Context for Problems

• Stalking– A repeated malicious pursuit that threatens

the safety of the victim. – It may involve following a victim; threats of

physical harm to the victim, one’s self, or another person; or restricting the behavior of the victim, including kidnapping or home invasion.

External Causes of Jealousy

• External factors refer to behaviors the partner engages in that are interpreted as:– Emotional and/or sexual interest in

someone (or something) else.– A lack of emotional and/or sexual interest

in the primary partner.

Internal Causes of Jealousy

• Mistrust• Low self-esteem• Being involved and dependent• Lack of perceived alternatives• Insecurity

Compersion

• Describing the situation in which an individual feels positive about a partner’s emotional and sexual enjoyment with another person.

• The “opposite” of jealousy.

Polyamory

• A relationship style in which people openly conduct sexual relationships with multiple partners.

• Polyamory is more emotionally intimate than swinging and offers the possibility of greater gender equality than polygyny because both men and women can have more than one partner.

Polyamory and Sexual Exclusivity

• Those in polyamorous relationships generally have sexually and emotionally intimate extradyadic relationships, with no promise of sexual exclusivity.

• Those who practice polyfidelity expect their partners to remain sexually exclusive within a group larger than two people.

Polyamorous Relationships

• This couple an emotional and sexual relationship with each other.

• They also have similar relationships with others.

• They note that no one person can be all things to another.

• Pg. 93

Poly Relationships

• The number of people involved varies:– The open couple is usually two people in a

long-term relationship who have extradyadic sexual relationships.

– Vees are three-person relationships in which one member is sexually connected to the two others.

– A triad includes three sexually involved adults.

Poly Relationships

– Quads are groups of four adults most commonly formed when two couples join.

– Moresomes, groups with five or more adult members, are larger, more fragile, and more complicated than quads.

Polyamory and Emotional Intimacy

• Primary partners usually have long-term relationships, joint finances, cohabitate and may have children.

• Secondary partners frequently maintain separate finances and residences, and while they may discuss major life decisions, they generally do not make decisions jointly.

Polyamory and Emotional Intimacy

• Tertiary relationships are less emotionally intimate, sometimes with long distance or more casual partners.

• Some poly families have spice, the poly word for more than one spouse.