Children in the Penthouse Photo Memoir.pdf

7/28/2019 Children in the Penthouse Photo Memoir.pdf

1/91

Children in the Penthouse:

A Photo Memoir in

New York City

by Sammi


2/91

TABLE OF CONTENTSPrologue: Let me explain to you a thing

Thursday: The beginning of the end

Friday: Where no one sleeps and everyone else is in daycare

Saturday: There is such a thing as overdoing it, a novel by my feet

Sunday: Easter Meets Westeros

Monday: Alcohol Awareness and my destiny of being a studio audience member

Tuesday: Leaving the Australians by themselves in the concrete jungle wet dream

tomato

Epilogue:How this trip changed our lives (in that it probably didnt)

Extras:Or really, everything else I cant be bothered to write about

***

Dedicated to the sarcastic assholes that let me spend

a week with them and making jokes at their expense:

Ailie, Alice, Caitie, Emma, France, and Kay.

***


3/91


4/91

Prologue: Let me explain to you a thing

Having friends on the internet is a special experience where people in your life off the

internet will think youre kind of weird for spending countless hours of time talking to your

computer screen. But what people IRL dont realize is that we really like these assholes on

the internet to want to continue spending time in front of our computer screens just tointeract with them.

But if were lucky (or if were really dumb because this part remains debatable), these

online interactions with our online friends start bleeding into our offline life. Next thing you

know one of us has everyone elses phone numbers, home addresses, social security

numbers, and family ancestry information filed away for future trolling purposes. And before

we know it, were all meeting each other in person and realizing that, man, Sammi is

stupidly short with her stumpy legs.

The worst thing about internet friends is that were all so fucking far away from each other

(FUCKING AUSTRALIA WHAT THE FUCK WHY ARE YOU OVER THERE) so seeing each other isa rare thing kind of like continuity for the show we all gave up on (except for Alice. Girl, get

it together).

But the best thing about internet friends is that when you do meet them or when you do get

to see them again, its a (re)union special thats worth all the wait and every penny (except

for countries like Canada because apparently they dont have pennies its just us

Amurricans).

So consider this labor of love tolerance as a present from me to you to let you know that,

hey man, youre pretty alright. Otherwise I wouldnt have wanted to spend ALL THOSE

HOURS WITH YOU.

Obviously, the shit I have written here have all been filtered through my mind and that I

keep it mostly true and real. But thats deceptive in that I had to consult Alice a bunch of

times to remind me what we did, so. If I didnt correctly write factual things about you or

what you did, then tough nugget, Jon Snow. Write your own damn thing. Other than that,

enjoy!

XOXO,

Tom Hanks

***

There are opportunities that come along once in a thousand years and then there are

opportunities that come along because Emmas parents left her by herself back in Australia

and told her that since she just got ditched for another country, she could go anywhere in

the world and they will pay for it. In case you werent paying attention, this is a story about

the latter.


5/91

So Emma set her sights on New York City and asked Caitie to join her. Alice from little

nowhere suburbs of Pittsburgh told Emma that if she made things happen, then Emma will

have an American greet her with arms full of junk food.

The planning continued after weeks and the little party of three (that I was aware of since I

never really asked and I just assumed) grew. Grandma Willow Kay decided she wanted togo and visit the Australians since itd been the year 1776 since she last saw them. And then

France (not the country) also joined in on the party to watch Mamma Mia Hamm with Alice

and it was a full gang of Internet Thugs (TM). And then I weaseled my way into this trip

with only 20 dollahs in mah pocket (something something something this is fucking

awesome).

After wed all more or less finalized important things and furiously (not really) typed out our

plans on a google spreadsheet, all we had to do was wait for the end of March to come.

On Thursday, March 28, 2013, the Australians hopped on a plane from their side of the

world and travelled back in time to get to America because thats how time zones work.(Science.)

That same day but on my side of the world, I hopped on a Greyhound bus and sat beside a

lady who offered me her Bugles and headed for Washington D.C. Kay was still doing grown-

up things and working while Alice busied herself with finding a duffel bag somewhere in her

house and doing her laundry.

And as the minutes ticked by, the hot mess of epic proportions that was this trip with

children in a fucking penthouse began and no one was prepared for it (except probably for

Kay because she does that).


6/91

This is pictorial evidence for Caities award-winning tendency to be trigger happy with the camera.


7/91

Thursday: The beginning of the end

This day started with me sitting at the bus station in Durham, North Carolina with mymother sitting beside me asking me if I remembered to bring socks and underwear. Im

pretty sure the other people at that place could hear her but I couldnt yell at her becau se

shes my mother. Eventually, I told her to go home or go eat breakfast with my father whowas waiting in the car because, really, Im pretty sure I can handle travelling by myself.

After sitting with a bunch of strangers for a few hours and getting my nap time hours in so Icould be useless to Kay later on that night, I found myself staring at the Washington D.C.Metro Rail pass machines and praying to Beyonce that I end up doing this right.

I kind of did in that I probably paid for one more ride than I was supposed to (goodbye, 3extra dollars) and having the current metro train I was in suddenly switch colors on me. Kaymay have said to pay attention but I clearly didnt do that because I wa s about four majorstops past where I needed to be.

I eventually found Kay and being off moving vehicles sounded fucking amazing. Except I got

in her car and she drove me to Subway before she went and did the Christian thing of goingto church for Holy Thursday.

I sat in that Subway shop like a pro until I had to use their bathroom. They gave me aplastic golden token to place on the little slot machine contraption that locked thebathroom. Im not saying I somehow felt pressured to pee properly or else itd be some kindof GAME OVER or anything, but Im just saying.

Kay finished with church and I peed properly and things were well and good. And then Ishowed her just how useless I could be in a 4-6 hour car ride.

Let me tell you a thing.

I will stand by the fact that I didnt touch the iPad screen on purpose but I clearly didsomehow (or the iPad somehow has it in for me which I will not rule out yet) and so thatforced Kay to do the thing she had to. Basically, it took us like an hour to get out of D.C. nothanks to me.

And then to make this adventure feel like ITS GOING ON FOR FOREVER, Kay took thewrong exit and it took us another hour to eventually get to I-95.

Let me tell you another thing.

Kay actually really hates this country. She said so herself. I honestly thought that while shewas aggravated, shed say Ugh I hate this traffic. Nope, it escalated to the penthouse of

anger and she said UGH I HATE THIS COUNTRY!

So, you know, Go America.

*

After calling Kays mother, the Filipino OnStar, we finally stayed to the right of the interstateand made sure not to miss the giant signs for the New Jersey Turnpike.


8/91

At one point, Kay and I were on a Skype call with the Australians on her iPad. The kickerhere was that as Kay relayed to them important instructions, the Australians somehowstruggled how to life during that time.

And in my complete disbelief of the current set of events, the term CHILDREN IN THE

PENTHOUSE was born. I didnt know at the time that this would be the theme (and

eventual title of this ~memoir) of our weekend. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN, YOU GUYS.SHOULD HAVE KNOWN.

*

At 2:30 in the morning, after Kay drove for hours, we finally found ourselves in front of door1616 on the PH floor of the Royalton Hotel.

We knocked three times (Im lying I dont remember, we could have knocked thirty timesbut just know that Kay took charge of that because I would have been an obnoxious punkabout it) and Emma, ever the one to never sleep, opened the door and whispered hersqueals of excitement.

Hugs abound while the other Aussies were passed out in their king-sized bed.

Kay was momentarily Santa Claus with her presents for Emma and souvenirs for us whileshe was in Jordan. One of my biggest regrets of this trip was not having taken a picture ofEmma falling to the ground as she clutched the autographed Warehouse 13 t-shirt that Kaygot for her.

Ailie woke up and gave Kay a hug. But I have to say, her realization of my physicalexistence in the room had to be the best kind because in her groggy state, she took onelook at the couch where I sat, turned away and then turned back around before jumping onme and crushing my boobs in a hug. It was almost like we were friends or something.Crazy.

Eventually, Caitie woke up and for a little while, we all just basked in each others company.Or we were all punch drunk tired that we were all just happy. It probably had nothing to dowith seeing your friends for the first time ever or anything like that. We learned that theyordered bad pizza and that everything wasnt open 24 hours. It was like their first taste ofAmerican disappointment. So naturally, we laughed at them.

*

The Aussies went to sleep and Kay tried to work with the fucked up little air mattress in thecorner of the penthouse while I slept on the couch. She woke up a couple hours later tohives because apparently she was allergic to their detergent or something. I pushed thearmless armchairs and a dining chair together and made a better makeshift bed.

And thats how we spent our first night in New York City.

*


9/91

Yay for friends! Caitie was still asleep when these pictures were taken. Sorry. Shoulda woken up earlier.

Theres a joke about Asians with glasses somewhere in here.


10/91

Friday: Where no one sleeps and

everyone else is in daycare

Alice arrived at 1616 PentHouse looking hella gay as per usual. (Im keeping that sentence

in because thats the first thing I had written in my notes for this chapter.)

While I gallivanted elsewhere to have a quick brunch with some other friends (I know,

traitor) and got lost trying to get to a Max Brenners restaurant (which is apparently an

Australian thing so that was interesting), the Hella Gay Alice and Hella Gay Emma with

straight person, Kay, went to Tick Tock Diner for some chicken and waffles. Everyone just

ate chicken and waffles, even the vegetarian.

On the scale of unrequited crushes with your straight best friend to marrying a woman, this is pretty gay.

*

While Ailie and Caitie were still passed out, I met up with these rascals at the Tick Tock

Diner from where I had brunch ONLY TO FIND OUT THAT THEY HAD ALREADY LEFT. Its not

my fault that it takes me a long time to get somewhere. But this story isnt that sad

because they were literally on the next block over. So dont feel sad for me, Argentina. Or

you can, if you want. I dont care.

THE POINT IS: We travelled all over New York to find an H Mart to get one of two foods that

Alice could eat for the rest of her life. Ill tell you now that the second food, much to the

surprise of NO ONE EVER, is pizza. But well get to that later. Dont get ahead of me IM

TELLING THE STORY HERE. Geeze.

As I was saying, after getting kinda sorta lost, we located an H Mart and she walked in like

she owned the place (she wishes). She bought a handful so she could double fist fishies.

That sounds super weird but Alice doesnt drink so maybe thats why.


11/91

Look at this happy idiot.

Spoiler alert: The two ice cream fishies in Alices hands and half of the one Emmasholding are the only fishies Alice gets to eat the entire trip. And for that, she weeps.


12/91

*

We took a detour to the Manhattan Library after buying Dunkin Donuts. Clearly, we had our

priorities in order. It just so happened that the Manhattan Library had a thing with Winnie

the Pooh. Honestly I dont remember I just know Alice told me about it and then we were all

like SURPRISE THE AUSTRALIANS but really just Emma because Emma is 5 years old.

I remember telling Alice here that she looked extra gay.

Caitie would never guess it, but one of these people is straught.


13/91

*

We eventually took pity on the souls of the Australians and went to go get them so we could

go sightseeing and shopping. And when I mean we, I mean Emma. We hung about for a

little while and basked in the glory of junk food. Why we dont have pictorial evidence of the

massive pile of junk food before Alice inhaled most of it is beyond me, to be honest. But for

each of their Tim Tams, Alice answered with a box of Girl Scout Cookies. And apparently

there are fingertons? That sounds dirty but I just know Alice ate all of it. Which is hella gay.

So after we left, we apparently needed to go to get some coffee so we had to find a

Starbucks. Anyway, the story goes that Caitie took the wrong order from Starbucks and

then we somehow ended up with another cup of coffee. I took it because, you know, free.

But Ailie continued to charge me with false accusations of theft which is not a thing as it

was already ~free.

We eventually hit a tourist hub called Rockefeller Center. There was a skating rink and I

think I recognized it from a movie with someone famous. Im sure thats a thing.

I apparently missed the memo to wear something black.Sooooooorry. Not. Im a one-woman wolfpack. Suck it.

We also ended up taking Starbucks photos because we were those kinds of people. And as

would be a motif throughout the weekend, I would ruin photographs by not knowing how to

make a decent face to do anything. I would be sorry bout it, but then I would have to feel

things and we dont do that. Also the phrase coffee would become a point of contention

between the countries. But just know that when you tell an American to bring you coffee


14/91

without telling them anything else, they will give you coffee that is plain and black. So

there.

*

I ruin lives and pictures.

Walk in 15 minutes late with Starbucks.


15/91

Im literally the black sheep and thats not me being racist. Also Ailie would claim Im not black, so.

Upon the realization that 2/3 of the Australians hadnt eaten, they found a Five Guys which

was da bomb dot com let me tell you what. Grease on meat and potatoes is like the best

thing in the world. Anyway, these two punks took a food break before we all headed out to

shopping.

mmm burger mmm cow mmm delicious american fast food that will clog your arteries mmm


16/91

mmm america where for $3 you can buy fries and a burger the size of a newborn baby.

*

Shopping time! Or as I like to call it: The walk around and laugh at the prices of things

because you cant cry about it in public because a golden bracelet at Burberry costs three

golden magical teardrops of a unicorn from the mountains of Zimbabwe experience.

On our way to visit the toy stores and other places Emma squealed about visiting, we took apit stop at the NBC Store where the search for Leslie Knope proved unsuccessful. However,

Ailie did find a V-neck shirt for her brother that may or may not be a girls cut (may). But as

long as he doesnt find out about it, then I guess itd be all right. Unless of course someone

tells him this piece of information (spoiler alert, bro).

So while everyone wanted to find fun things to buy, Alice and I ended up on the Voice Chair.

Then we went to FAO Schwarz where Emma felt like she was in HEAVEN. Fluffies abound. If

she wanted to, she could have bought the store, but we somehow convinced her to do that

on another day.

So while Emma perused, the rest of us just wandered about like the real tourists we were.

At one point, and this too became a recurring theme, one or more of us would find a spot to

sit and just take a break from life. Sometimes, man, when life gets you down, you just

gotta be like, Hey man, when in Rome. Nah mean?

*


17/91

We would have been terrible awesome mentors.

Were the kind of friends who remember we have other friends. For the most part.Youre welcome, friends.


18/91

This trip is brought to you by my Alma Mater.

There is a kinship that I feel whenever Ailie makes this kind of face in pictures.

*


19/91

Dinner was hella hilarious because they ordered hot wings that were so excruciatingly

painful, Emmas mouth was swollen. Alice dared me to eat the Suicide Wings flavor and I

dared her to eat her pizza full of chili peppers. So we both ruined each other, like best

friends do!

Also, let me explain to you a thing again: Ailie, Emma, and I took part in some fun casualdrinking and eating some of the most delicious hummus we could recall. Although sources

tell me that the rest of the group waited for about 3 hours back up in the penthouse for us

to return. But we didnt realize it was 3 hours since we were busy looking at the menu and

being disappointed that the cute waitress took for fucking ever to get us our hummus. Also,

listening to Emma talk about downing tequila is the most entertaining thing I highly

recommend everyone to listen sometime.

Im saddened to say that no one bothered to take pictures. I wanna say that this is lesson

learned but its not. I guess well just have to do a round two of this hot mess so everyone

can take part in the drunken festivities (except for Alice, obviously).

We hung around the penthouse for a little bit when we did get back upstairs and for the rest

of the night, the tequila took full effect on Emmas system. An entertaining and somewhat

uncomfortable drunk is what Emma is. Good times.

*

We eventually left the Australians because, surprise! We hadnt actually gotten to the hotel

where we would be staying. Just know that nobody really went to sleep until about 3 AM

that night when everyone was running on fumes from the subway or something. (Is that a

thing? I dont even know.)

Also, we were missing another component to our party (hello, best friend!) so we needed to

go get her.

So we waited by Grand Central Station and slyly looked out of the car like a bunch of

undercover cops. Its true, thats a thing because none of us had ever met France and we

had to do detective work to find her considering we couldnt just text her and it was so cold

out there in the wild that we werent leaving the vehicle.

After struggling for five minutes to communicate effectively with her because how do you

strangers that arent strangers, she eventually came into view.

We spotted a wild Canadian named France hanging around street corners of New York City

before settling into our 4 star hotel called Holiday Inn.

Contrary to the rap song Holiday Inn popularized by Chingy, Snoop Lion Dogg, and

Ludacris there wasnt much of a party at this hotel room and more of a oh god I just

wanna shower and then go the fuck to bed since we have an early morning and we havent

slept properly for more than two nights and can we not anymore.


20/91

The red circle marks the spot where we discovered the wild Canadian roaming about.Also, if you look at the top of the picture, you will see the tip of the Statue of Building.


21/91

Saturday: There is such a thing as

overdoing it, a novel by my feet

What Saturday brought us was a full day of things to do and a complete group of ragtag

idiots from the internet (except Kay because Kay knows the things). It started with a trip to

the penthouse and hearing the desperate cries of an Australian in need of coffee that

wasnt just black coffee.

But we didnt actually get the coffee until AFTER we hit up the Game of Thrones exhibition

that they were having for free. FOR FREE are just some of my favorite things even though

Id never seen the show. Throughout the weekend, Caitie and Ailie would play the wittily

titled and devised game called Game of Thrones Game where you spot ANYTHING Game of

Thrones and yell out Game of Thrones.

Seriously, with that kind of genius, Im surprised theyve only made it this far in life as they

have.

Ive never seen the show and I dont care for things. Alice didnt want to get spoiled and

Kay somehow knew all the things about it. The Australians were just excited to be there and

I think France was somewhere quietly being a ninja. But the best part was that everyone

got a chance to sit on the IRON THRONE and be the ruler of the daggone place.

The only thing better about pictures of Ailie being excitedare the pictures Caities taken of the back of Ailies head.


22/91

Can she rull Westeros? Is that even the right place?

I bet you after punching sharks, shes also shot some flaming arrows or something.


23/91

When you got it, flaunt it, right?

The pice de rsistance


24/91

*

After hanging about with the kings and queens of some faraway land where people die

every five minutes, we set out for some lunch. Here, have a picture of it that Kay took. Just

know that we ate the thing and that we continued to eat all of the things.

And then when that was done, we went to go watch Avenue Q where X-rated muppets sang

about the tears for fears of young adults. It was like these puppets spoke to me or

something. And is it okay to be gay? Why, you betcha. Especially since everyones a little bit

racist or something. I tried to find my Purpose as Avenue Q advised. But when I realized I

didnt have any, I let the beer soothe my pain.

I just want to tell everyone that if anybody that works at the theatre tells you that its Last

Call for alcohol, dont believe them. They will continue to say that thing about twenty -five

more times. If I had a dollar every time they said Last Call, I reckon I would be able to

afford the physical price tag attached onto the Burberry scarf that Emma bought.

Also, muppets with only half a body having sex was like the most awkward thing to witness

but also highly entertaining. The only thing more entertaining was glancing over to where

Emma was sitting and watching her reaction to it. Ask her about it sometime a nd shed tell

you all about how her life got flipped-turned upside down she covered her face from the

embarrassment.

Hey man, when in Rome.


25/91

Im particularly disappointed that the word Dennis in this graffiti art doesnt actually say Penis.

*

On the way back from the musical, while the Aussie Aussie Aussie Oi Oi Oi group went with

Kay for ~healthier food like ~salad, France, Alice, and I headed for some 99 cent pizza. So

49 more cents than 50 cent, the famous rapper who earned millions selling water to people.

Realize something, dear reader of this memoir, this pizza will become Alices undoing that

pizza whore.

She is Gollum and that pizza is her precious.

*


26/91

After we got pizza, we all went back to the PH and hung around until it was time for some

Harry Potter/Spy Exhibit time. Im not sure what fun things everyone did at the Harry Potter

exhibit but they flew through it because next thing we knew, they were already at the Spy

Exhibit with us.

The highlight of everything was the laser maze that we all succeeded in failing in. Wed havetaken pictures BUT THAT WASNT ALLOWED AND WE FOLLOW THE RULES. EXCEPT FOR

WHEN IT COMES TO UNDERAGE DRINKING. THAT WAS ALL CAITIES FAULT.

I mean.

Here was the biggest takeaway ladies and gentlemen and gentlecreatures in between, if you

want to get into the spy business, its all about who you marry. So if anybody knows of a

lesbian spy who wants to get with Alice, give her a call. With your spy phone. If you know

what I mean.

You probably dont because thats not a real euphemism.

Gotcha. (Sike, none of that meant anything.)

*

We were supposed to have gone and partied hardied with some drag queens at some drag

show but no one had any energy left for that. Do you know what we did have time for?

Tom Hanks.

Look at this handsome fella.


27/91

ALL OF THE

TOM HANKS

ALL OF THE TIME


28/91

If he wasnt Tom Hanks, hed just look like a creepy guy with a mustache.

Speaking of creepy, this movie is creepy. His character was just 12

when he had sex with Elizabeth Perkinss character. (Spoiler alert, bro.)


29/91

Oh, Mr. Hanks, you think youre the lucky guy? No ho ho, good sir, we are the lucky ones.


30/91

Sunday: Easter Meets Westeros

Before we took off on an adventure with the Australians, we started our day having an early

breakfast at this diner called The Diner located on a street called The Street near a bunch of

stores called The Stores.

I am beautiful no matter what they say, words cant bring me down. Dont you bring me down today.

Hello, new best friend.


31/91

*

What we did Sunday morning was eat, eat, eat. We ate at Katz Deli where apparently Meg

Ryan faked her orgasm. Hey man, when in Rome amirite? Also, Katz Deli was the place

where we supposedly lost Caitie because she forgot to get cash for things. I thought shed

gotten abducted by the rat colony that lived in the subway tunnels. But that was not the

case. Dont fear about her well-being, though, her friends certainly didnt. They just thought

she was in the bathroom even though she hadnt been around for like fifteen whole minutes.

It literally looks like a tumblr hipster photo of food.

Excuse us, were a little bit busy focusing on the important things in life.


32/91

Dont worry, we made room for dessert. Who do you take us for? Amateurs?

Cotton Candy ice cream is only a thing of dreams in Australia.

Were keeping Canada in our hearts. But mostly just in our stomachs.


33/91

Sugar hurts so good.

Emma is literally a child in a candy store. That candy store is New York City.


34/91

*

After lunch, we eventually started to head towards the MoMA. Kay had to teach the

Australians about the subway system because they couldnt do the thing. They didnt know

how to subway so they took a cab to the deli. But the moment had arrived for their wits to

be tested to see if they could survive in the hard streets of New York City. (Verdict: Maybe.)

The struggle is real.

The ultimate test.


35/91

A real success story.

I just want to point out that this is the wrong direction we wanted to go.


36/91

*

The subway ride was an experience in and of itself. We found out a few things. One is that

Ailie is an asshole that needs to leave my hat alone.

What a punk.

Two is that Alice has a future in pole dancing.

There will be a lesbian spy off duty that will fall in love with you while you workthe lunch shift at the club and will eventually bring you into the family business.


37/91

Three is that when you yell out Rat! when you see one crawling about the tracks whi le on

the subway platform waiting for the train to come, people will laugh at you.

I have it on good authority - since that authority is me - that these people were laughing at us.

*

Im not saying Im really disappointed that I had to pay full adult price for the MoMa. But

Im just saying.

*

We really hit it off.


38/91

Every hour is sit oclock.

The best part is that I told her to pose just like him and she did it.


39/91

How do you painting?

notimpressed.gif


40/91

Im sexy and I know it, says Alice as she poses in front of this painting.

All I hear is Cant nobody take yall nowhere! And yes, Ailie, I understand that Im not black.


41/91

Classy is as classy does.

A complete and accurate depiction of everyone includingthe fact that I dont know where Emma is half the time.


42/91

*

After the MoMA, everyone else got ready for their musicals. On Easter, the Australians and

Kay were off to watch the Book of Mormons. So that was a thing, apparently. While my

Canadian best friend, France, and Alice were off to Mamma Mia.

That meant that I was all by myself in the penthouse free to take a nap or watch theCooking Channel (both of which I did actually do). I reckon they had a good time at both.

Im not sure, I was too busy enjoying my free nap.

Look at these homos.


43/91

Sometimes there are days Im convinced Alice just tries to out-gay herself. And it works.*

Alice claimed that she was going to bring me back a pizza but you know what she did

instead? She ate it that pizza whore.

Also, the Australians and Kay came back from their musical where it probably shit-talkedreligion a lot during a very holy day, so you know, there was that.

Anyway, I proceeded to watch the Game of Thrones season premiere with them even

though I knew nothing about it. This part is boring why am I writing about it?

Oh, thats right, because this is going to make a lot of sense for the nextchapter.

Let me tell you a thing about these idiots. They started playing a Game of Thrones drinking

game where they would take a drink every time there was sex, there was nudity, and there

was a racial minority.

For those that dont know, this show is teeming with nudity and sex and hitting the racial

minority quota. So every other scene was worthy of a drink.

I know one of the chapters is titled The beginning of the end but I think this is the

moment where it truly was the beginning of the end. Youll see.

*

After Game of Thrones, Caities affinity for the MTV Jams channel shone and during their

current inebriation they started to party. Let me show you a bunch of white children in the

penthouse listening to rap music.

I had words but I lost it.


44/91

Oh ho ho but it does not stop there. If anything, it startedthere.

Does it get better...

...or does it get worse? Time will tell.


45/91

Before we left the Australians to deal with themselves for the night, we wanted to document

this if only to show you how unimpressed we were.

Look at this hot mess.

Their cleaning lady made bank cleaning up their shit.


46/91

Monday: Alcohol Awareness and

my destiny of being a studio audience member

Hey so remember when I told you last chapter about the boring bits being useful later?

WELL, ITS LATER.

I want to take this moment to let you know a thing or seven about drinking. The key to

enjoying your time anywhere with alcohol is to drink in moderation. Our Australian friends

may or may not have forgotten how to do that (may). So what follows their Game of

Thrones party became their Game of Throwing Up.

Here are the texts that Aussie drunk(s) sent Alice in the middle of the night while everyone

was sleeping; not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

On April 1, the following exchanges happened (written verbatim duh).

2:16am Aussies: we were ljke april fools oh god kay goin troll so hard and caitie was ljke

KAY IS STRAUGHT

Its not until 2 hours later that Alice received a mildly panicked set of texts that we figured

came from Emma.

4:15am Aussies: so they bpth are throwing up right now

4:15am Aussies: acutallu

4:15am Aussies: throwing up

4:15am Aussies: i got out ofbthere

4:15am Aussies: i cant do it

4:15am Aussies: cant do this

4:15am Aussies: there is a chanxe we dont do morroe

4:15am Aussies: sorry

4:15am Aussies: but

4:15am Aussies: throwing up things

4:15am Aussies: cant even

4:15am Aussies: bathroom

I want to personally thank college for preparing me for drunken texts.

Next, Ill show you the texts I personally received and responded to when I woke up from

my sleep around 4:30 in the morning.

4:32am Aussies: Caitie+is+rly sick will update when later

4:32am Me: From the drinking or what?

4:34am Aussies:And+food

4:34am Me: Ok well just kEep us updated and hope that shes all right


47/91

The kicker came just fourteen minutes later when I got this message from, I can only

assume, Ailie.

4:48am Aussies: Didnt help that i decided to prove my sympathetic vomiting thing. Also

emma is drunk, but we just worked out caitis had like 10 shots max over four hours so not

alcohol poisoning just drunk and food.

Are Eeyore and I judging you? Its possible.

The story gets better in that things got worse. (This is that part of your life that you just

laugh back at the mistakes youve made in your life. Go with it.)

Emma called us Monday morning reviewing the situation and relaying how sympathetic

vomiting was a thing and that they would have to give the cleaning lady loads and loads of

money to clean their upchuck everywhere. So the Australians didnt sleep until 6 something

in the morning after being drunk and performing the friendship pact that is sympathetic

vomiting. I guess thats what friends are for. Apparently Caitie decided to mix her Patron

with beer and that just sounded like a bad idea. Welp.

But besides the fact that I just made fun of you and your alcoholic adventures, Im just glad

that you are all okay and that there are no serious harm done (except for that threat of

alcohol poisoning but lets just not because that is not a fun time).

Real talk, homie, glad yall are troopers. Even more impressive are your livers. Maybe yall

can actually sell part of that for a Burberry coat. A kidney+liver BOGO deal just to buy a

Burberry coat.

Keep the dream alive.

*


48/91

May or may not be the culprit for a lot of shenanigans (may).

*

Like a trooper, however, Emma showed up to our hotel and we had breakfast at The Diner

where they served The Food to The People in The Place where you pay with The Money.

Im sorry I ruin pictures. (Im not.)


49/91

And then afterwards, we went to the best place ever and got delicious things called bubble

tea!

THIS. IS. BOBA.

Wow okay I didnt realize I was an outsider to the gang of visually impaired.


50/91

And then Kay was gone for her trip back home leaving 3 Australians, 2 Americans, and 1

Canadian behind.

My best friend France stuck around to do some shopping (where she went off and she

dropped a Benjamin at a chocolate store owwww owwww fancy). And Alice and I jetted off

to the corner of one street and then another because we were going to my destiny The DailyShow.

*

We waited in line for over an hour to get these tickets. There were people painting the side

of this building with a Red Bull advertisement. It was pretty impressive. But what was most

impressive was that we got these tickets FOR FREE (remember how these are some of my

favorite things?).

Look at how good they made it. It makes me want to buy it. (No it doesnt but it looks good.)


51/91

We so we so essited

It was such a shame that we couldnt take a picture inside but since it was FOR FREE I

didnt mind too much especially since they asked of me the one thing I could actually do:

Laugh out loud. Not just LOL, but truly, madly, deeply laugh out loud.

I was destined for this shit, man. So when in Rome, I laughed like Brutus did after he

stabbed Caesar. And then I learned a bunch of things about your digestive system.

We took a different street on the way back and walked past this gem.


52/91

See, we did a thing.

*

To no ones surprise, when Alice and I went to dinner at the 99 cent Pizza Store after The

Daily Show and the Aussies went to watch some musical play thing whatever, she ate all ofthe slices she bought even though she claims to have bought one for France. The reality

was that For France was another name for her stomach THAT PIZZA WHORE.

We watched Ailies team, Man U or something, lose out to Harry Potters team 1-0. We were

all fairly certain no one knew how to play football on that pitch.

It was a pretty lowkey event, Monday night, probably because we all kind of did our own

thing. Nothing interesting happened here, sorry.

At our hotel, though, we watched The Daily Show and tried to listen to our laughs since Ihave a distinct one and Alice is also fairly loud. But to our disappointments, nothing. God

can I move on to the next chapter? Im gonna do that.


53/91

Tuesday: Leaving the Australians alone in

the concrete jungle wet dream tomato

We left my new best friend, France, in the hotel room while Alice and I ventured to visit the

Autralians for our last day. She, much like everyone in our hotel room, hadnt actually

checked when we would leave today because were never as prepared as Kay. Also, Alice

lost her tickets so I dont know how she got home later that day. She probably bribed the

bus driver with a slice of pizza. Probably not because she likes to hoard those.

So we had to leave France by herself and then it was just me and Alice hauling ass towards

the penthouse where the Aussies were.

Its so hard to say goodbye to yeeeestuhday.

*

We continued on with our morning even with the disappointment cutting me deep when the

bubble tea place was still closed and wouldnt be open until we were long gone, gone, gone.

Much to our surprise, the Aussie Aussie Aussie (Oi Oi Oi) gang were actually more or less

ready. Less ready but at least more awake. We literally just have to be appreciative of the

little things.

We took a cab and Emma sat on my lap the whole ride there.

Didnt that sound sexy?

Well, it could have sounded sexy if she didnt ineffectively attempt to make herself the

actual size of a hamster so as not to cause me trouble. Alice would hear a child from the


54/91

penthouse mumble the words are we there yet? near her ear. And like a parent who may

or may not like to have selective hearing when it comes to her children (may), Alice

suddenly went deaf (up until 83rd St). It was all pretty valiant overall so I guess I should

give her props for that (stop it, Ailie, people that arent black can also give props to others).

The point is that we learned our lesson at the end and took a taxi van on the way back.

#weiskindweissmartweisimportant

*

Things I appreciated at The Met that I didnt at The MoMA: the cashier taking pity on our

poor souls and giving all of us the student discount. Bless you, woman. Bless ye a fruitful

harvest for thee and thy family. Or whatever.

Also, some of us were able to identify pieces of art and it gave Alice some hope for the

people she associated with. Dont get crazy, it wasnt a lot of hope. Just enough to tolerate

our company. Fine by me.

*

If you somehow thought wed act any different in this museum than we did in the last one,

you are as sorely mistaken as the time I decided to think walking was a good idea.

Lets refer to this bit of the memoir as Children in the Museum.

The derpy version of this is going in the Extras chapter.


55/91


56/91

Emma followed the rules of not touching the art. Ailie cant say the same.

This guy will forever be in our hearts. At the very least, this picture.


57/91


58/91


59/91

*

We interrupt your regularly scheduled program to bring you a small segment of this

museum tour I lovingly call Ailie + Camera = NOTP for these reasons:

Almost, but no cigar.


60/91

No words.


61/91

This would have been fine except you had no idea what was happening. You couldhave literally stopped here, but you didnt. You just kept pressing the shutter button.


62/91

Youre good at other things.


63/91

Can you get it together? Have you gotten it together? Is this a thing that you can do?


64/91

This was the part where I had to walk back to Ailie to see if sheactually knows what shes doing (we found out that she doesnt, so).


65/91

Caitie is clearly unimpressed.


66/91

Alice is still laughing at her.


67/91

We eventually got it. Eventually.

*


68/91

After we finished the artsy fartsy thing, we were in search of water and caffeine. We also

did our best to hunt and forage for a sandwich to help Caitie since she hadnt eaten a bite of

food after she upchucked all of the things and Ailie sympathy-upchucked with her.

While they waited in line, I took a seat (always taking seats man) and befriended this Greek

woman who was on her honeymoon. She was a kindred spirit in that she didnt feel likewalking either and understood that the first floor is our friend while stairs are not.

Find us, we are there. Sitting. Our natural state.

*

To round out our adventures at The Met, we bought souvenirs. A couple of the things:

1) I apparently just sound like a rude asshole to little children. My career choice is dealing

with children but apparently I just cant stop being a sasshole. OH WELL.

2) I guess because I was such a sasshole to a child who accidentally ran into me (even

though I maintain that I was being genuine and not being rude), the cash register ate my

dinner money. The cashier and her coworker, Roseanne and Brittany (bitch) respectively,

were very apologetic about the whole thing and we all bonded over just how terrible their

wonky system was LOL BFFS 4 LYFE. It was pretty entertaining, though, and because of

their embarrassment about the whole thing, they gave us free things that they were already

giving out for free. So literally no skin off their backs but by appeasing me with free things,

they sounded like theyd earned my forgiveness. (FYI my love, unlike that of Jenny from the

block, can be bought. Can be bought cheaply.) It worked and they gave everyone else free

things. While I made friends with cashiers, Ailie once again proved her photography

prowess.


69/91

Whoop

There it is


70/91

Piece of art.

It was nearing 2 PM and Alice had to skidaddlydoodeee away from us so she could catch her

bus and go back home to her shit cat and her strange parents. It was a sad time, but we

were all smiles (all fake obvs) for a picture that luckily someone else took to round out this

museum tour.

We actually hate each other.


71/91

*

Before Alice truly did leave us, we had just enough time for The Australians to try an

American delicacy: Taco Bell & KFC.

Im not saying she literally got all of the things. Im just saying.

What a sexy motherfucker.*


72/91

Alice left and then it was just me and The Australians.

Im so sorry I ruin photographs. (Nope, Im still not.)

*

After Alice left us, the first thing we all did was get on the internet. Cant escape our natural

habitat. And then while Alice struggled through the cold weather, we all Skyped Jasmine.


73/91

It would have been a hot mess if Jasmine went on this trip. Then itd be babies in the penthouse.

*

Even we had to leave Jasmine because The Aussies needed to go catch the showing of

Wicked and I had to get going. But before we went our separate ways, we decided to do

one of the things that I never thought would actually happen: Drink Manhattans in

Manhattan.


74/91

Let me tell you a thing or seven about these nasty ass things. We all like alcohol (the Aussies

more than others) but these things were grody to the max. Im better off drinking my beer.

*

The time had come for the Aussies to leave me for their musical and for me to pack up my

shit. So after the tenth try of getting this picture, we got this good one:

Literally the only good one out of seven million takes

*

While they were gone, I wrote them a letter wishing them all the fucking luck in the world to

survive the last few days they had in the country. And to tip their cleaning lady well for all

the mess.

And after checking that I had everything with me, I headed towards the Port Authority to

catch my bus (indoors unlike Alices which was outdoors). For kicks, I asked the people

working at their hotel how to get to Port Authority and all four of them gave me four

different directions. I got some lo mein at the bus station (sketchy sketch) and then got on

my bus where I proceeded to pass the fuck out for hours.

And much sooner than I had hoped, the trip had come to a close and we were all back to

our real lives.

But to spend that much time with a group of people...well, it could have been worse.


75/91

Epilogue: How this trip changed our lives

(in that it probably didnt)

The trip to New York City to spend quality time with good friends, good (and cheap food),

and rack up good memories (lol all the memories except for Caitie because I dont think she

remembers the entire trip) is probably one of the best weekends Ive had in a really long

time. The last time I was in New York City before this mini-vacation with yall, I had to pay

200 bucks to get my friends car back after getting towed.

I was hesitant at first to go on this trip because of reasons, but Im just glad that I did. For

some of us it was a reunion but for others it was a union (not a holy matrimony union

though even though NY is all about that shit now). There were a lot of other sentimental

shit I was gonna say on this part but I lost my notes for that and I have a terrible memory.

This trip changed my life in that it made me hundreds of dollars poorer than I already was

and about ten pounds heavier than I already was. But it pretty much established what I

already knew about yall: I cant get a refund on yall nomore. We stuck 4 lyfe. (Shut up,

Ailie, I know Im not black.)

Basically, know that I had the time of my life (cue the rest of Green Days overplayed classic

hit of the same name) and Im glad that I got this chance because for however much I

remain steadfast in my beliefs that you are all just as big sassholes as I am, yall are my

friends and we can ride or die be sassholes 2gether. I learned a few things too: that I will

do my best to be as far away from Kay and Alices intense walking as possible, that there is

a real alcohol problem in the continent of Australia, and that France understands that Im

the funniest person I know and that laughing at me is as good as laughing with me.

So let me tell you a final thing: I know it probably wont be for a while, but Ill see yall

soon.

You know you love me,

Tom Hanks

Beyonce

Sammi

Somewhere in there is a heart of sass gold.


76/91

Extras: Or really, everything else

I cant be bothered to write about

Game of Thrones Game:


77/91

My attempts to reach for things:


78/91

Random chair that just reminds me of penis:


79/91

Let me herp to you a derp:


80/91


81/91


82/91


83/91


84/91

Museums R Us


85/91


86/91


87/91


88/91


89/91

When youve got friends this crazy, its time to get committed to an asylum:


90/91


91/91

Documents

Children in the Penthouse Photo Memoir.pdf