EXCLUSIVE - HAMBURG – March 2008

Former Köln resident, Chill Phil, has re-cently found himself amidst controversy in the wake of visit by Australian artist, Nicola Hardy.

Chill Phil of Hamburg “really didn’t know what hit him” when he met Melbourne girl, Nicola Hardy in March this year. The artist, who was completing a residency at Vorwerkstift at the time felt the same way. “Neither of us expected this to hap-pen, I mean, no-one plans to fall in love do they?”

The pair met at Bennie Bo’s vernissage, and Chill Phil invited Nicola to his Büd-chen the following evening. But Chill Phil forgot and when she arrived there, he did not know who she was. “It was like I was a complete stranger, I said to him, ‘well you must have been pretty wasted’”. Af-

ter this initial hiccup, they had a pretty good time that night, with Phil doing his Büdchen duties while Nicola tattooed the guests. Before leaving she asked Chill Phil to come to Australia and to bring the Büd-chen with him, adding “I’m serious”. Phil said “Ok, I am serious too”. Hardy says, “I did not doubt him for a second”.

When he visited the following Monday she showed him pictures of vans. She goes on to admit she was “... surprised when he asked me to go to Köln with him later in the week, but I never thought there were romantic undertones to the invitation.”

Unable to go to the famous gay city due to other commitments, it was not until the night of her vernissage that Nicola rea-lised that Phil was interested in more than a passing friendship. “Phil had returned from his trip that day and he showed up at the gallery as I was hanging my exhibi-tion. I was drinking Averna and I offered him a glass. He said ‘I would drink any-thing with you.’ which I thought was a strange thing to say.”

Later, at the opening Nicola was “a little bit drunk” due to the fact that she and her friends Thomas and Vina had nearly finished the bottle of Averna. “Yeah it was tasty, we like it with lots of lemon and ice.”

**Ausgabe 2 – Australien. Mai 2008**

Preis: $AUD10.00 Deutsch preis + $3000 (includes airfare). Made by Nicola Hardy mit Chill Phil Schöde für das Büdchen in Hamburg.

Veedel Verlag

Austral/Asian graffiti news.Giant banana attacks humans.Pictures of Germans.Food pictures. You know you like them. Bush toilets – good or not?Miniature Nederlands Under Attack!!More pictures of GermansGiant invisible spider attacks human!Social Pages. No violence, no stress.

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Nicola sat on the couch and found herself slightly unable to greet guests as they came in but she did manage to talk to Chill Phil all night. Still, she did not rea-lise he was interested in her until it was pointed out to her later at Yoko Mono by Jan, Jones, Bennie and pretty much ev-eryone else. “Oh” says Nicola, “I didn’t even know”.

It was getting late and Phil had disap-peared so Nicola decided to go home. (Little did she know that Chill Phil was still there, talking to a friend in the back of the bar). At home she did not feel tired so she found a phone number of a friend and headed out to the phone box. As she was leaving Vorwerkstift, Nicola saw a shadowy figure approaching her. It was Chill Phil. “I was just coming to visit you” he said, “where are you going?” She re-plied, “I am going to call a boy.” Chill Phil looked really sad and was all like “wha? who? wh?” and then Niki looked and him and said “Yeah but I don’t have to now anyway...” and showed him the number and guess what, it was the phone number of Chill Phil!

Isn’t that the cutest story EVER?!

Here’s what happened for the next week.

But the story does not end there. ..

Sadly, after the week was over, Nicola had to leave Hamburg to make her way back to Australia. It was a really sad time and

she even missed her bus to Belgium be-cause there was too much küssen at the bus station (but that’s another story and it all worked out really well anyway). And then it kept on being a sad time and it still is a little bit of a sad time.

Now Nicola is back in Australia making plans for when Chill Phil comes to visit. And Chill Phil has the biggest phone bill in Germany. And they are in love.

There will be pretty good weather every-where today, including here, so it’s a perfect day for küssen, waschen, winken, trinken, essen, sitzen, kicken, springen, rennen, ge-hen, lachen, singen, reiten, malen, schrei-ben, zeichnen und ficken.

In other places the weather is shit so it’s ony good for schlafen and weinen. Don’t forget your regenschrim.

Lekr: der Kiwi, die Zitrone, die Melone, die Avocado, die Tomate, die Erdbeere, die Banane, die Kirsche, die Ananas.

Super lekr: die Himbeere!

Zweifelhaft: die Paprikaschote, die Birne.

March 2008: Marker tattoo craze hits the Büdchen and the punters love it! No-one really knows how it started, but within a matter of hours everyone had knuckle tatts, anchors, Sankt Pauli FC tributes and other weird shit all over their bodies. OK well, Nicola started it, Jan joined in and then everyone wanted one. Here are some photos of other marker tattoo sessions from Antwerpen, Berlin and Hamburg featuring the victims and artists including the Büdchen crew, Steffi, Sky, Janus Prutpuss, Chill Phil, Wasted Garry and Vladimir Hündchen. Anyone can do it - all you need are markers and beer!

Unusual Gift: Looking for an unusual gift for your girlfriend, best friend or relative that you haven’t seen for a while? Then look no further! The Freddo Frosch necklace is the ideal thing for the person who has everything (as well as for the person who doesn’t have anything). Made entirely from cardboard, each Freddo Frosch necklace is handmade by Chill Phil.

Avoid Embarrassment:. These necklaces are also available in a wide range of names,similar to the ‘name necklace’ popularised by Carrie Bradshaw in the delightful television series ‘Sex and the City’. These have proved useful for when you wake up in the morning after a big night and have forgotten the name of that person lying next to you. (Another idea is to just get a marker and write your name on your pillow, which is what I did when I was at university).

Who is Freddo?: Freddo Frog is a really fa-mous guy in Australia. Basically he is a spokesfrog for Cadbury chocolate and he is very popular with children as well as adults who want a chocolate hit without the guilt of eating a full size chocolate bar. He is friends with Caramello Koala, but is cooler because he comes in a variety of flavours including mint, strawberry and Crunchie. He used to come in white but I haven’t seen that flavour for ages. Also something weird happened while I was overseas for one year. The solid choc Freddo became fatter and more expen-sive. I blame mobile phones because Freddo was always a small cheap guy you could buy from the milkbar if you needed change for the phone (because bastarding shop-keeps never just give you change, you have to buy some-thing). Now that everyone has a ‘handy’ (as the Germans like to call them), there is less need for small change, hence less need for Freddos. And I mean, Freddo used to be like 50 cents and now he is a dollar. That’s heaps! Anyway, I still love him and he looks good as a necklace and when I wear mine people say nice things to me. Order yours today!

I was thinking ‘fuck, I am one fat mutha fucker’ and was wondering how this happened. So I decided to take photos of what I was eating. Here’s a selection of things I have eaten in the last 2 months. Try doing this for a week, you might be surprised.

barbecued tofu burgers

spaghetti with rucola, tomato and parmigiano

ocean trout with bok choy and broccoli

fish and chips, Coffs Harbour

Sydney rock oysters with lime

prawn curry, Armidale

prawns with New Zealand white wine, Coogee

breakfast of baked beans, shrooms and avocado

tabouli, fava beans, humous and baba ganoush

rucola, tuna, tomato, parmigiano, cucumber

curries at Zam Zam in Singapore

Southern Indian curries on banana leaf

Singapore chilli crab

eating shark

Germans. You find them almost every-where these days, including France, Po-land and even Australia. I can prove it, I met one and have photos.

Lise is from Frankfurt and regularly touches animals. Here are some other in-teresting facts.

She...• loves a challenge and is not scared to go swimming in her underwear• loves chips (see picture)• loves hats (see picture)• wants to go to the Büdchen one day• speaks fluent German

I know this story is not really going any-where but I only met her briefly. Sorry. I just really wanted to put in a photo of the ocean.

The thing about being up the bush is that if you need to go to the toilet it’s great if you do NOT have to take a shit in a hole using a bunch of eucalyptus leaves for toi-let paper. An ideal situation is that there is a car park near the bush with a toilet in it.

So me and J-Ho were in some godforsak-en place up the bush a few months ago and we found this self-composting toilet. Yeah I know, it’s some kind of hippie toilet which is basically a big deep hole full of crap and toilet paper and human waste and who knows what else. But it has a seat and stuff like any other toilet, so no bizarre squatting was necessary. Also there was toilet paper, which is often rare in a public convenience.

Apart from the crazy stench and flies, I guess it beats squatting in a hole with a handful of leaves. I give it a score of 8 bog rolls out of a possible 10.

Have you been to the toilet recently? Ok great.

Underwear on the dashboard

Learners

Cows

Ducks

Melbourne’s fun-busters have brought in some tough new laws and hefty fines in an attempt to win the ‘war on graffiti’.

This new law not only attacks street art-ists but discriminates against people who are unable to use brushes to paint their homes, bikes, fences or other things that need to be painted.

Me and Billi reckon that there should be fines for people on trains who stink or are

ugly because if anything annoys us on a train, it’s not graff, it’s ugly people and stinky people. We think that is worth a $550 on the spot fine.

And another thing - if graffiti and spray cans get banned then we are going to end up like Singapore. That’s one rule-crazy place and look at how crap their graffiti is. I know they can’t help it, they get hung for staining trains or having chewing gum, but you know, it’s a warning to us all.

Left: Sydney’s ghetto trains looking pretty

Above: Graffiti in rule-crazy Singapore.

Note the sweet gold tooth on the chef/ghost character and the ‘I heart China’ marker graff up top, near the squashed unicorn. Unusual.

Are you looking for fun? Well, who isn’t these days? Put away your fancy IPods and XBoxes and other symbols of western greed, because the PHOTOAUTOMAT is more fun than you can poke a stick at! But don’t take my word for it, ask someone you know and trust. Chill Phil went there and he had this to say about it: “I went there and oh boy, I had a GREAT time.” Next time you are at the Büdchen, ask to see the photographic evidence and then get yourself to the PHOTOAUTOMAT. You won’t regret it!

Coffs Harbour April 2008:

Let me begin this story by telling you that I ab-solutely love anything miniature and anything that has an ‘oversized novelty’ factor. So I was totally excited about the prospect of visiting a real-live miniature village when myself, Danksy and J-Ho were on tour on the North Coast of New South Wales. I had already been pretty naughty by making German Lise come swimming in the ocean with me in her underwear. Then I was all like “can we go to the Clog Barn and Miniature Holland DownUnder? can we go to the Clog Barn and Miniature Holland DownUnder?” until finally J-Ho suddenly swerved over to the side of the road and said “If you don’t shut up I am turning this car around, young lady.“ And I was like “can we go to the Clog Barn and Miniature Holland DownUnder? can we go to the Clog Barn and Miniature Holland DownUnder?” until finally she said yes.

After what seemed like nearly 10 minutes, we ar-rived at what is basically a shed with a clog fac-tory in it. We missed the clog carving display by mere minutes so we were already disappointed. Then the $5 price tag for entry made us feel even more sad. But we went in and discovered a real miniature world, complete with miniature people and trains and the inexplicable presence of caged cockatoos. Determined to have a good time, we pretended to be giants who had come to fuck up the Nederlands and steal all their delicious mari-juana. Unfortunately there were no miniature coffee shops which I thought was kind of stupid because ya know, what other reason is there for going to actual Holland? I give this roadside tour-ist attraction a score of 4 out of 10 because we had to spend a lot of our time making it fun. But, they had Dutch liquorice so I am changing my score to 5.5 out of 10. They didn’t have Venco Drop though, so my score goes back to 5 out of 10.

Could this possibly be the biggest banana in the world. Um, yes, probably.

Right: Australia is notorious for it’s poisonous ani-mals and insects. Most citizens are armed with tiny chairs to fed off potential attack. Another de-fence is to yell loudly “I am NOT a tourist” then they leave you alone. (photo: Michael Prior).

What are Jonsey and Giovanni saying? Make them say something funny and win a free Ha-nuta. (Chill Phil chooses. No fighting with Chill Phil if he says your is not the funniest. Hanuta is not transferable for cash or credit).

Want to get in touch?Email: nicola@secretenvelope.comor visit the Büdchen at Mathildenstr. 9, Hamburg, 20357.