DEADMOUSE THE MUSICAL (NOT FEATURING THE MUSIC OF deadmau5 …€¦ · (NOT FEATURING THE MUSIC OF deadmau5) Book and Lyrics by Rafe Malach Music by Rafe Malach How Do I Get Through

1

DEADMOUSE – THE MUSICAL

(NOT FEATURING THE MUSIC OF deadmau5)

Book and Lyrics by Rafe Malach

Music by Rafe Malach

How Do I Get Through To You: Adam Jesin

Love at First Click – Co-written by Cody Malach

Names of Mice: AJ Goldberg

Rafe Malach

10 Walmer Road Apt 1007

(647) 801-3914

[email protected]

2

List of Songs

ACT 1

1) “12 Keys” p4 JOEL, DAVID

2) “How Do I Get Through To You” p9 MOM, JOEL

3) “Joel Zimmermouse” p9 MOM

4) “Naïve” p12 JOEL

5) “Good Enough” p15 JOEL, CAT

6) “Big Enough to Know” p23 JOEL

7) “Love at First Click” p26 DAVID, JOEL, CAT

8) “Intimate Encounters” p30 DAVID

9) “All of the Love We Had” p36 CAT

ACT 2

10) “My First Broken Heart” p49 CAT, DAVID

11) “Girls are Stupid” p53 JOEL, CAT

12) “Mashup Song” p62 JOEL, CAT

13) “House Battle” p70 JOEL, CAT, AVICHEESE

14) “Finale” p79 COMPANY

CAST OF CHARACTERS

JOEL ZIMMERMOUSE/DEADMOUSE, A 20 something mouse who wants to be

a DJ.

CAT VON D, Joel’s girlfriend, she is a tattoo artist.

DAVID GOUDA, Joel’s 20 something friend and fellow DJ.

AVICHEESE, Joel’s Nemesis, Swedish DJ.

EXECUTIVE, A Record Label Exec

SECRETARY, His Secretary

ST. PETER, St. Peter

MOM, Joel’s Mom

3

SCENE 1

ANNOUNCER

Ladies and Gentleman, Introducing

World famous, purely greatest, DJ spinning House!

He’s faster than a hatter,

Dropping beats with his feet

And writing synth parts with his heart.

Put your hands in the air for Living Human!

JOEL

Hello Toronto!

ANNOUNCER

The amazing thing is after all these years headlining clubs

around the world, no one has ever seen Living Human’s face!

Until tonight that is! Tonight for the first time we will see

who really is!

JOEL

(Takes off the Deadmouse Helmet and reveals his face. He is

wearing mouse ears showing he is an actual mouse. His tail is

also revealed.)

CROWD

Boo!

ANNOUNCER

Is it possible? Living Human is an actual mouse? How horrifying!

Truly a mockery of house music.

CROWD

Boo! You suck! Get off the stage!

JOEL

No please! I’m still the same guy! I’m still Living Human! I’m

still Joel!

ANNOUNCER

No one will ever respect your music now that everyone knows

you`re a mouse! Wake up Joel. Wake up! Joel. Wake up. Joel! Wake

up!

(Reveals to be a dream. Joel is lying down

over his studio equipment.)

4

DAVID

Wake up Joel! Wake up! You were having a nightmare or something.

JOEL

What? What? (Wakes up from a dream.)

DAVID

Why are you sleeping dude? It’s 11.

JOEL

I was up til 6 working on a new song.

DAVID

I was up pretty late last night working on a track also. What’s

yours called?

JOEL

Levels.

DAVID

Cool. Is it any good?

JOEL

I think I might have found the one.

DAVID

The one? Your search is finally over?

JOEL

We’ll find out soon.

JOEL (12 KEYS)

I'M LOOKING FOR A PLACE TO HIDE

I'M NOT SCARED I'M TERRIFIED

OF MESSING UP MY CHANCE AT GOLD

DAVID

I GOT THE FEELING HALF DIVINE

I WATCH THE NOTES AS THEY ALIGN

OH GOD JUST LET ME LET IT OUT

BOTH

LET IT OUT, JUST LET ME LET IT OUT


5

JOEL

12 KEYS, 10 FINGERS AND MY BRAIN,

ENOUGH TO DRIVE A MAN INSANE,

MAYBE IT WILL BEFORE TOO LONG

DAVID

12 KEYS, 10 FINGERS AND MY SOUL

CAN ALMOST TASTE MY FINAL GOAL

JUST LET ME WRITE THAT PERFECT SONG

JOEL

12 KEYS, 10 FINGERS AND MY HEART,

WELL I GUESS THAT'S SOMEWHERE TO START

AND I HOPE THAT I'M STARTING STRONG

DAVID

12 KEYS, 10 FINGERS AND MY LOVE

ENOUGH TO RAISE ME UP ABOVE,

BOTH

AND I'LL BE THERE BEFORE TOO LONG,

THERE BEFORE TOO LONG


WHEN I WRITE THAT PERFECT SONG.

JOEL

BLACK WHITE EACH NOTE OF ITS OWN KIND

HOLDING MAGIC I CAN FIND

I KNOW THAT I WILL IF I TRY

DAVID

I’LL UNLOCK HIDDEN DOORS WITH EASE

I GUESS THAT'S WHY THEY CALL THEM KEYS

THE KEYS TO HELP ME LET IT OUT

BOTH



JOEL

12 KEYS, 10 FINGERS AND MY BRAIN,

ENOUGH TO DRIVE A MAN INSANE,

MAYBE IT WILL BEFORE TOO LONG

6

DAVID

12 KEYS, 10 FINGERS AND MY SOUL

CAN ALMOST TASTE MY FINAL GOAL,

JUST LET ME WRITE THAT PERFECT SONG

JOEL

12 KEYS, 10 FINGERS AND MY HEART,

WELL I GUESS THAT'S SOMEWHERE TO START

AND I HOPE THAT I'M STARTING STRONG

DAVID

12 KEYS, 10 FINGERS AND MY LOVE

ENOUGH TO RAISE ME UP ABOVE,

BOTH

AND I'LL BE THERE BEFORE TOO LONG



WHEN I WRITE THAT PERFECT SONG.

BOTH

OUTRO

LIKE A SILVER BEAUTY QUEEN

THAT'S STUMBLING ALONG

SOMEONE HELP ME WRITE THAT PERFECT SONG X4

DAVID

It`s gonna work out. I know we can do it.

JOEL

I hope so.

DAVID

Trust me Joel. Our names will be in lights. Soon you won’t be

able to flip on the radio without hearing about Joel Zimmermouse

or David Goudda.

JOEL

Ha, David Goudda? You’re keeping your real name? You’re not

gonna come up with a cool DJ moniker?

DAVID

I don’t think so. I like David Goudda. It rolls off the

tongue.

7

JOEL

Ya, Joel Zimmermouse rolls off the tongue also.

DAVID

Whatever you say buddy.

JOEL

Hmm, maybe you’re right. I’ve been thinking of using the name

“Living Human.” That way maybe people won’t realize I’m a mouse

and will actually give me a shot.

DAVID

No way. It’s gotta be something short and punchy and dark.

JOEL

Hmm, maybe. How was your date? That was today right?

DAVID

Blech, horrible. She didn’t look anything like her profile

picture on plenty of mice.

JOEL

That happens.

DAVID

I’m thinking of trying something new.

JOEL

What?

DAVID

Offline dating.

JOEL

Sounds terrifying.

DAVID

So let’s hear this new song.

JOEL

(Starts playing the song Levels by AVICII but is

cut off after a few bars.)

MOM

Joel!

8

JOEL

Mom, I’m in the middle of something!

MOM

Joel, it’s gonna get cold.

JOEL

Mom, I have a new song! If I don’t work on it now I might never

finish it!

MOM

Joel Zimmermouse, you get your little tail down here right now

or it’s no Guv for a month.

JOEL

Oh for cheese sakes!

(Joel runs down to the Kitchen. It is a

typical mouse kitchen with more or less

mouse related gags depending on budget.)

JOEL

Mom, I was working on my next song.

MOM

You call that a song? It’s all drums and bass, you never play

your guitar your uncle Frank bought you anymore.

JOEL

The guitar only seven inches long, it sounds ridiculous!

MOM

Oh so now you’re too good for mouse guitars, are you Joel!?

JOEL

I hate mouse guitar. I only like House Music!

MOM

Mouse music?

JOEL

No, I said House Music! And one day I’ll be a famous mouse

house music DJ. You’ll see!

9

MOM

Oh ya? And how many of these House DJs are mice? Huh Joel?

Answer me that!

JOEL

Well none, but…

MOM

But nothing! That’s the thing about you Joel, your heads in the

clouds! You should be gathering cheese and running from cats

but all you ever talk about is that damned house music!

JOEL

You have no idea what you’re talking about!

MOM

Will you just listen for one second Joel?

TELL ME, HOW DO I GET THROUGH TO YOU?

HOW DO I CONVEY THIS?

BENEFIT FROM MY EXPERIENCE

I JUST DON’T KNOW HOW TO SAY IT

WELL YOU’RE STUCK INSIDE YOUR PRISON

INDECISION HAS A STRANGLEHOLD ON YOU

AND YOU’RE STUBBORN AND DEFIANT,

SELF-RELIANCE DON’T APPEAL THAT MUCH TO YOU

YOU DEMAND RESPECT THAT YOU HAVE YET TO EARN

JOEL

WITH ALL YOUR INTELLECT YOU’VE STILL GOT MUCH TO LEARN

MOM

YOU THINK THE LIFE YOU LEAD IS NONE OF MY CONCERN

BUT PLEASE JUST HEED MY WORDS

TELL ME HOW DO I GET THROUGH TO YOU?

TELL ME WHAT TO SAY TO CHANGE YOUR VIEWS?

IT’S YOUR LIFE AND IT’S YOUR DECISION, IT’S YOURS TO LOSE,

HOW DO I GET THROUGH TO YOU

JOEL

TELL ME HOW TO MAKE YOU LISTEN

TELL ME HOW TO PHRASE IT

10

JOEL (CONTINUED)

DON’T WANT TO MAKE YOU THINK THE WAY I THINK

BUT I NEED TO EXPLAIN IT

WELL I MUST ADDRESS THIS CRAZINESS AND ARROGANCE

THEY’RE NOT ENDEARING YOU TO ANYONE I KNOW

WHEN DID YOU BECOME SO TYPICAL, SO CYNICAL?

YOU’RE NOT THE MOM I KNEW

MOM

AND YOU DEMAND RESPECT THAT YOU HAVE YET TO EARN

JOEL

WITH ALL YOUR INTELLECT YOU’VE STILL GOT MUCH TO LEARN

MOM

YOU THINK THE LIFE YOU LEAD IS NONE OF MY CONCERN

JOEL

BUT PLEASE JUST HEED MY WORDS

HOW DO I GET THROUGH TO YOU?

TELL ME WHAT TO SAY TO CHANGE YOUR VIEWS

MOM



BOTH



IT’S YOUR LIFE AND IT’S YOUR DECISION,

JOEL

I’M YOURS TO LOSE, HOW DO I GET THROUGH TO YOU?

JOEL

You’ll never understand me! House music is the only thing I’ll

ever care about!

MOM

Such insolence from such a little mouse! From this day forward

there will be no House Music in this… uhh… house!

11

JOEL

Mom!

MOM

Your friend from school, your friend Samson? He’s a doctor now.

He’s engaged. He’s started his life! What have you ever done!

JOEL

Mom, you don’t understand me! You’ll never understand me!

(Runs out).

MOM

JOEL ZIMMERMOUSE, TELL ME WHAT YOU’RE, SEARCHING FOR

JOEL ZIMMERMOUSE, TELL ME WHAT YOUR LIFE IS FOR

I MISSED THE BOY, I USED TO KNOW

PLEASE TELL ME, WHERE DID THAT BOY GO

I MISSED THE THINGS YOU USED TO SAY

I HOPE ONE DAY YOU’LL FIND YOUR WAY

12

SCENE 3

(Joel is walking along outside. Again,

Mouse gags as the budget provides.)

JOEL

God, I can`t stand my mom sometimes. She just doesn`t

understand.

JOEL

THERE IS A MOUSE, MY AGE

HE IS A DOCTOR WITH A DOCTOR’S WAGE

HE HAS STARTED HIS LIFE

AND MY MOM THINKS THAT IT’D BE

NICE IF I’D FIND A WAY

TO THROW ALL MY DREAMS AWAY

BUT I’M NAÏVE,

ENOUGH TO MAKE A SCENE

ENOUGH TO CHASE MY DREAMS,

I’M LIKE A SMALL JAMES DEAN

AND IF I’M HALF THE MOUSE THAT I HAVE PLANNED

I’LL FIND MY WAY TO NEVERLAND

I’LL BE THE ONE I WANT TO BE

OR MAYBE I’M A LITTLE TOO NAÏVE

CAT

Hey Joel, what are you up to?

JOEL

Hi Cat. Not much. It`s just that my mom doesn’t…

CAT

I love your mom!

JOEL

I mean I’m working on a new song!

CAT

Cool, what’s it called!

JOEL

It’s called Levels!

13

CAT

Oooh, I love all your cute little house songs. Can’t wait to

hear it!

JOEL

It’s not cute. It’s bad ass!

CAT

Well if you made it, it has to be cute!

(Joel comes out to the audience. CAT can`t

hear this part. Song continues)

JOEL

THERE IS A GIRL I KNOW

AND SHE LIKES ME EVEN THOUGH

SOMETIMES I DON’T GIVE BACK

SOMETIMES I’M A HYPOCHONDRIAC

WHEN I’M WEAK I KNOW SHE’S STRONG

WHEN SHE SPEAKS IT’S LIKE A SONG

WHEN SHE SINGS I SING ALONG

BUT IS IT LOVE?

OR A GREAT DISGUISE

DOES SHE SEE IT IN MY EYES

THAT I’M NAÏVE,

ENOUGH TO MAKE A SCENE

ENOUGH TO CHASE MY DREAMS,

I’M LIKE A SMALL JAMES DEAN

AND IF I’M HALF THE MOUSE THAT I HAVE PLANNED

I’LL FIND MY WAY TO NEVERLAND

I’LL BE THE ONE I WANT TO BE

OR MAYBE I’M A LITTLE TOO NAÏVE

14

SCENE 4

CAT

So cutie, did you miss me last week?

JOEL

You know I did. How was the first week at that new tattoo

parlour? 305 Ink?

CAT

Exciting!

JOEL

Really? How come?

CAT

Ya! So many cute mice flexing their muscles for me all day…

JOEL

Ohhh (disappointed.)

CAT

Haha, silly boy! You know I’m just teasing! How about you?

JOEL

I had a big show last week!

CAT

Oh ya, how did it go!

JOEL

Great! There were 30 people and 400 mice there! It was my

biggest gig yet!

CAT

Great!

JOEL

Oh ya, Lindsay mouse says hi.

CAT

Grr… What was she wearing?

JOEL

Oh, I don’t know, how am I supposed to remember?

15

CAT

Joel!

JOEL

A pink bra and jean shorts.

CAT

She’s such a slut!

JOEL

You shouldn’t say that! It’s sexist!

CAT

C’mon Joel! She was Playmouse playmate of the month. She shows

her tail for money!

JOEL

She’s just using it as a springboard for her acting career.

CAT

What has she ever acted in?

JOEL

She does burlesque.

CAT

I don’t remember Burlesque involving lap dances!

JOEL

She’s just like Nicole Kidman in Moulin Rouge!

CAT

No she’s not! She’s like Julia Roberts in pretty woman!

JOEL

No she’s not! She’s like Demi Moore in Striptease!

CAT

Yes! She’s exactly like Demi Moore in Striptease!

JOEL

Don’t get your tail in a knot!

16

CAT

I’m sorry. It’s just that, with all the attention you get from

your DJing, and me doing boring old tattoo art, I just don’t

know if I’m exciting enough for you.

JOEL

Are you kidding? You’re an artistic genius! Not to mention

gorgeous. Look at me! I’m only 3 and a half inches tall! Your

last boyfriend was 4 inches! How am I supposed to compete with

that?

JOEL

I KNOW THIS GIRL

SHE LEAVES ME SPEECHLESS

SHE MEANS THE WORLD

TO EVERYONE SHE MEETS

SHE’S GOT THIS SMILE AND

SHE’S GOT THIS CAR

SHE’S GOT THIS JOB AND

SHE’S GOING FAR

SHE’S GOT THIS LOOK AND

IT MAKES ME HAPPY

JOEL

WELL I DON’T THINK THAT I’M HOT ENOUGH

CAT

AND I DON’T THINK THAT I’M COOL ENOUGH

JOEL

NO I DON’T THINK THAT I’M GOOD ENOUGH FOR HER

CAT

AND THEN HE TELLS ME I’M SO LOVELY

JOEL

AND THEN SHE TELLS ME I’M SO CUTE

CAT

AND THEN HE TELLS ME HE’S SO LUCKY

JOEL

AND SUDDENLY I`M HOT ENOUGH

17

CAT

AND SUDDENLY I`M COOL ENOUGH

JOEL

AND SUDDENLY I`M GOOD ENOUGH

JOEL

FOR HER

BOTH

AND THAT`S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME

CAT

I KNOW THIS BOY AND

HE LEAVES ME SPEECHLESS

AND HE BRINGS JOY

TO EVERYONE HE MEETS

HIS LIFE’S A THRILL

LIKE FLASHING LIGHTS

THE WAY HE PLAYS

THE SONGS HE WRITES

AND WHEN HE SMILES

IT MAKES ME HAPPY

JOEL

WELL I DON`T THINK THAT I`M HOT ENOUGH

CAT

NO I DON`T THINK THAT I`M COOL ENOUGH

JOEL

WELL I DON`T THINK THAT I`M GOOD ENOUGH FOR HER

JOEL

BUT THEN SHE TELLS ME I LOOK DASHING

CAT

AND THE HE TELLS ME I`M SO CUTE

JOEL

AND THEN SHE TELLS ME SHE`S SO LUCKY

18

CAT


JOEL


BOTH


JOEL

FOR HER

BOTH


CAT

I KNOW THIS BOY

JOEL

I KNOW THIS GIRL

CAT

HE HAS MY HEART

JOEL

SHE IS MY WORLD

SHE’S GOT THIS LOOK

CAT

THE SONGS HE WRITES

JOEL

SHE IS MY MUSE

CAT

LIKE FLASHING LIGHTS

BOTH

AND WHEN YOU SMILE

IT MAKES ME HAPPY

JOEL

WELL I DON`T THINK THAT I`M HOT ENOUGH

19

CAT

NO I DON`T THINK THAT I`M COOL ENOUGH

JOEL

WELL I DON`T THINK THAT I`M GOOD ENOUGH FOR HER

JOEL

AND THEN SHE TELLS ME I LOOK DASHING

CAT

AND THE HE TELLS ME I`M SO CUTE.

JOEL

AND THEN SHE TELLS ME (BIG NOTE) THAT SHE LOVES ME

CAT


JOEL


BOTH


JOEL

FOR HER

BOTH

(Really big.)


CAT

Bye cutie, we have big date this week?

JOEL

You know it!

(CAT Leaves)

JOEL

(Singing) Whoooa, sometimes, I get a good feeling. I get a

feeling like… That’s it! It’s perfect!

(Runs offstage)

20

SCENE 5

EXECUTIVE

Ok, we’re going to get Swiss House Mafia playing labour of love,

and Armin Van Buren playing after.

SECRETARY

Can’t do it, you know Swiss House Mafia hates Armin.

EXECUTIVE

Right right, hard to keep all of this straight. Get Armin

playing California that weekend.

SECRETARY

Ok will do. By the way, you have a Joel waiting in the lobby to

meet with you.

EXECUTIVE

Who’s that?

SECRETARY

He’s an aspiring house DJ. He sent you that track Levels. You

asked me to book a meeting.

EXECUTIVE

Oh right, loved that track. Send him in.

SECRETARY

Ok (Secretary leaves and Joel comes in. Exec is turned the

other way and listening to the song. The Exec this whole time

is assuming he’s a human.)

JOEL

Hello.

EXECUTIVE

Joel, I listened to this track levels you sent me, and I gotta

say. I think it’s just the bees knees.

JOEL

Thanks!

EXECUTIVE

Ya, I think that those kids, with their alcohol and their MDMA,

they’re just gonna eat something like this up.

21

JOEL

Oh, thanks!

EXECUTIVE

Ya, we want to get you signed and maybe opening for

(Turns around and notices for the first that

Joel is a mouse.)

Ohhh.

JOEL

That’d be great!

EXECUTIVE

Oh, you didn’t tell me…

JOEL

Didn’t tell you what?

EXECUTIVE

You didn’t tell me you were a mouse.

JOEL

So?

EXECUTIVE

You have to understand. House Music is a human game. The

audience won’t accept you.

JOEL

Why?

EXECUTIVE

Well, everyone knows mice are great at hip hop but terrible at

House Music.

JOEL

That’s racist!

EXECUTIVE

Speciesist? Look I know, I don’t like it any more than you do,

but there’s really nothing we can do about it.

JOEL

What do you mean?

22

EXECUTIVE

Well, if we sign you, we’ll get letters, people will boycott the

label, no one will come to your shows anyway. It’s not really

beneficial for anyone.

JOEL

But, but I love house music.

EXECUTIVE

I feel you kid, and maybe one day the world will be ready for a

mouse house music DJ. It’s just not today.

(Joel Leaves the EXECUTIVE`S office and

DAVID and CAT are walking together going the

opposite direction.)

JOEL

David! Cat!

DAVID

Ahh! Where’s the Cat?

CAT

He was talking about me.

DAVID

Oh. God Cat, that is the most ridiculous mouse name ever.

JOEL

Hey guys. (Obviously sad)

CAT

What’s wrong cutie?

DAVID

Ya, how was the big meeting?

JOEL

Bad.

CAT

Why bad?

JOEL

She said… She said she can’t sign me because I’m a mouse!

23

CAT

Of all the racist speciesist bull shit that I’ve ever heard. I

oughtta go in there and…

JOEL

No, don’t. Please don’t.

CAT

Why, I’ll go kick her butt! I bet she’s not so big. We’re not

that small!

DAVID

You’re three inches tall Cat. She’d squish you like a mouse!

JOEL

It’s not that. It’s not that we’re too small.

CAT

We can fight this. We can change this!

JOEL

You always think that Cat, but it’s not so simple

JOEL

C’MON BABY TAKE YOUR CHANCE

YOU STAND THERE IN YOUR MOUSE TAIL PANTS

AND TALK ABOUT A CHANGE WE CAN BELIEVE IN.

I READ EVERY BLOG YOU EVER SENT

WE’RE GONNA MARCH ON PARLIAMENT

TO A SONG THAT I DON’T KNOW THE WORDS TO

GO AHEAD AND TAKE YOUR STAND

I’LL BE SITTING OVER HERE

CAUSE I’M BIG ENOUGH TO KNOW

THAT I’M TOO SMALL TO CHANGE THE WORLD

I’M BIG ENOUGH TO KNOW


WELL I’M BIG ENOUGH AND I’M STRONG ENOUGH

WELL I’M WISE ENOUGH AND I’M KIND ENOUGH

AND I KNOW

24

JOEL (CONTINUED)

THE ONLY THING WORTH CHANGING

IS

SO TELL ME ‘BOUT THAT BOOK YOU READ

BY THE AUTHOR THAT’S ALREADY DEAD

WHO TALKS ABOUT HOW WE CAN LIVE FOREVER.

I USED TO THINK I WOULD BE KING

OF LIFE THE WORLD AND EVERYTHING

BUT I DON’T THINK I WANT THE JOB

NOT ANYMORE

GO AHEAD AND TAKE YOUR STAND

I’LL BE SITTING OVER THERE

CAUSE I’M BIG ENOUGH TO KNOW






AND I KNOW

THE ONLY THING WORTH CHANGING

IS YOU

I’M BIG ENOUGH TO KNOW, OH OH OH OH OH OH

I’M BIG ENOUGH TO KNOW, OH OH OH OH OH



THE ONLY THING WORTH CHANGING IS

YOUR FROWN IN A SMILE

YOUR DARK HAIR FOR A WHILE

YOUR NAILS FROM BLACK TO WHITE AND EVERYTHING ELSE IS ALLRIGHT.

CAT

You’re wrong Joel. We can change the world. We can!

DAVID

(Looking at his phone.)

Oh my god!

JOEL

What?

25

DAVID

It’s her!

CAT

Who?

DAVID

The girl of my dreams.

CAT

(Looking around.)

Where?

DAVID

I’m… I’m in love.

CAT

In love with who goddamnit?

DAVID

(Shows CAT his phone.)

Her.

CAT

This girl on your phone? HotTail24601?

DAVID

Siiigh.

CAT

You idiot. Can`t you see Joel has just had a traumatic

experience?

DAVID

Dude! It says that her sex drive is way higher than average.

JOEL

(Comes to look.)

She talks about her sex drive on her profile?

DAVID

Not on her profile, but Plenty of Mice asks all these questions

that you can search by!

26

JOEL

What? Seriously?

(CAT is noticing JOEL is being

distracted from his trauma so she’s ok

with it.)

DAVID

Ya they have it on OkCupid also. These are all real questions

on Plenty of Mice and OkCupid.

JOEL

That’s crazy.

DAVID

Oh my god. This girl is. She’s… She’s…

NOT TOO FAT AND NOT TOO SKINNY

BODY LIKE THAT WITH A FACE LIKE MINNIE

SMART AS A WHIP AND WILLING TO USE ONE

I’M LOSING MY GRIP AND

IT SAYS SHE LIKES TO BE TIED UP

SHE SLEEPS TOGETHER ON THE THIRD OR FIFTH DATE

SHE LIKES BUTTERFLIES AND PONIES

SHE THINKS THAT GIVING ORAL SEX IS GREAT

JOEL

ORAL SEX IS GREAT!

(CAT gives him a look.)

What? It is great.

DAVID

I FEEL GREAT TODAY

DON`T NEED TO MASTURBATE TODAY

DON`T NEED TO LIE AWAKE TODAY

TONIGHT I MEAN

THAT`S RIGHT I MEAN

MY HEART IS BEATING WAY TOO FAST

I THINK I MIGHT BE SICK

THIS IS PERMANENT

IT`S LOVE AT FIRST CLICK

CAT AND JOEL

LOVE, LOVE.

27

DAVID

LOVE AT FIRST CLICK.

CAT AND JOEL

LOVE, LOVE.

DAVID

LOVE AT FIRST CLICK

JOEL

WHAT ELSE DOES HER PROFILE SAY?

DAVID

IT SAYS WE’D SLEEP TOGETHER EVERY OTHER DAY

AND ON THE OTHER DAYS WE’D FIND ANOTHER WAY

TO LOVE EACHOTHER, TO LOVE EACHOTHER

AND HOLY SHIT

JOEL

WHAT IS IT?

DAVID

I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT I MISSED IT

JOEL

WHAT?

DAVID

IT SAYS THAT SHE’S A BISEXUAL

JOEL

IT SAYS THAT SHE’S A BISEXUAL?

BOTH

IT SAYS THAT SHE’S A BISEXUAL

DAVID

AND SO

SHE MIGHT BE DOWN TO HAVE A THREESOME

JOEL

A THREESOME? WOW THAT’D BE GREAT!

CAT

SHE LIKES WATCHING FUTURAMA

28

CAT (CONTINUED)

SHE WANTS SOMEONE WHO CAN COMMUNICATE

DAVID

ORAL SEX IS GREAT

AND I FEEL GREAT TODAY

DON’T NEED TO MASTURBATE TODAY

DON’T NEED TO LIE AWAKE TODAY

TONIGHT I MEAN

THAT`S RIGHT I MEAN



THIS IS PERMANENT

LOVE AT FIRST CLICK

TELL ME THAT I’M HOT ENOUGH

JOEL

YOU’RE HOT ENOUGH

DAVID

TELL ME THAT I’M COOL ENOUGH

CAT

I guess you’re cool enough.

DAVID

TELL ME THAT I’M GOOD ENOUGH

JOEL

YOU’RE GOOD ENOUGH

DAVID

FOR A GIRL

WHO LIKES TO BE TIED UP

WHO’LL SLEEP TOGETHER ON THE THIRD OR FIFTH DATE

CAT

THERE’S MORE TO HER THAN WHAT YOU’RE SAYING.

I SEE THAT YOU HAVE YOUR PRIORITIES STRAIGHT.

DAVID

Cat! It’s the best line of the song and you’re ruining it!

CAT

No I’m not! I SEE THAT YOU HAVE YOUR PRIORITIES STRAIGHT!

29

DAVID

That’s not the line.

CAT

SHE WANTS SOMEONE WHO CAN COMMUNICATE.

DAVID

That’s not it either!

CAT

(Sighs. Under her breath)

She thinks that giving oral sex is great…

DAVID

What?

CAT

(Louder)

She thinks that giving oral sex is great!

DAVID

ORAL SEX IS GREAT!

AND I FEEL GREAT TODAY

DON’T NEED TO MASTURBATE TODAY

DON’T NEED TO LIE AWAKE TODAY

TONIGHT I MEAN

THAT’S RIGHT I MEAN



THIS IS PERMANENT

CAT AND JOEL

LAAAAA

DAVID

THIS IS PERMANENT

CAT AND JOEL

LAAAA

DAVID

THIS IS PERMANENT

CAT AND JOEL

LAAAAAA

30

DAVID

THIS IS

CAT, JOEL AND DAVID

LOOOOOOOOVE.

DAVID

LOVE AT FIRST CLICK

CAT AND JOEL

LOVE, LOVE.

DAVID


CAT AND JOEL

LOVE, LOVE.

DAVID


CAT AND JOEL

LOVE, LOVE.

DAVID


JOEL

So what are you waiting for? Send her a message!

DAVID

I’ve been trying! My message didn`t go through! Why won`t my

message go through?

CAT

It says she doesn`t accept messages from people seeking intimate

encounters.

DAVID

Ahh! Oh no! What can we do!

CAT

Hmm, I’ll try editing your profile.

31

DAVID

Please work, please work.

CAT

Hmm, no it says it doesn’t accept messages from someone who’s

ever sent a message seeking an intimate encounter.

DAVID

WHY DID I DO IT?

WHY DID I SEND?

SO MANY MESSAGES

SEEKING ENCOUNTERS

I WAS WEAK

I COULDN’T HELP IT

SO MANY MESSAGES SEEKING INTIMATE ENCOUNTERS

SHE COULD’VE BEEN MY WIFE

BUT NOW IT HAS RUINED MY LIFE

NOW IT HAS RUINED MY LIFE

JOEL

I think you’re being a bit overdramatic. I’m sure there are

other ways for you to find her.

CAT

How do you know you’ll even like her when you meet her?

DAVID

(Aside to the audience.)

A FEELING FAR BEYOND DESCRIPTION

EMOTION SENT FROM UP ABOVE

HOW TO EXPLAIN TO THIS SIMPLETON?

SHE COULD NEVER UNDERSTAND TRUE LOVE

SHE COULD NEVER UNDERSTAND TRUE LOVE

CAT

Hey! What do you mean I could never understand true love? Fine

see if I try and help you with girls again.

DAVID

Wait!

IT SEEMS THAT MY PATH IS FINALLY CLEAR

IT SAYS ON MY PHONE SHE’S WITHIN 500 FEET FROM HERE!

32

CAT

You can see that on Plenty of Mice?

DAVID

YES I CAN, MY DARLING CREATURE.

ON PLENTY OF MICE, THIS IS A NEW FEATURE.

CAT

That is beyond creepy.

DAVID

THIS IS MY ONLY CHANCE

I MUST MAKE USE OF THE SUN

WHERE ARE YOU MY LOVE

HOTTAIL24601

JOEL

Umm, ok!

DAVID

Ok! So I’m going to see if I can find this girl.

JOEL

Ok.

DAVID

Oh Joel did you see that YouTube video I sent you of the cat

that is so grumpy?

JOEL

Oh ya! Pretty funny.

DAVID

Ya, really funny! He’s so grumpy! I thought you’d like it. It

was funny, wasn’t it?

JOEL

Ya it was.

DAVID

Ok I’ll see you guys soon.

JOEL

See ya.

33

DAVID

HOTTAIL24601.

Ok bye.

JOEL

Ok.

DAVID

(Walks off looking at his phone.)

CAT

Sometimes I don’t get how your friends with him.

(Smiling.)

JOEL

Ha, you’re the one who introduced us remember?

CAT

Don’t remind me. He does seem to cheer you up though.

JOEL

(Looking around.)

Hmm, ya. 500 Metres, huh. Do you see David anywhere? Or the

girl? Oh my god…

CAT

What?

JOEL

It’s…

CAT

Slut tail 69?

JOEL

No… It`s Avicheese.

CAT

Who’s Avicheese?

JOEL

Who’s Avicheese? Who’s Avicheese? He’s only the most famous

house DJ in the world?

34

CAT

Oh that’s the guy you’re always talking about?

JOEL

Ya! That’s him! I’m going to go talk to him.

CAT

Didn’t you say he hates mice?

JOEL

This is my only chance.

(JOEL runs down Avicheese)

35

SCENE 5

JOEL

Avicheese!

AVICHEESE

Get out of here (with malice) mouse.

JOEL

I have to talk to you! Please let me play you this song!

AVICHEESE

Why would I ever work with a mouse like you? Everyone knows I’m

the greatest DJ in the world! Everyone knows that only humans

can be house DJs!

JOEL

Avicheese, I would never try to compete with you! But I think

if you would listen to the song for a few seconds, I just know

you would love it! You could say that we wrote it together, and

you could play it on tour.

AVICHEESE

Fine mouse, if it’ll get you to stop annoying me I’ll listen to

your stupid song.

JOEL

(JOEL plays the song levels. It plays

for about 30 seconds, and Avicheese

starts dancing along. Song comes

down.)

So you like it?

AVICHEESE

Like it? It’s fantastic! This is going to be the biggest hit

of 2012!

JOEL

Really! That’s so amazing! I’m so happy that you like it!

Soon we’ll be on tour together and travelling the world!

AVICHEESE

You’d think I’d share my glory with a dirty little mouse?

JOEL

What?

36

AVICHEESE

Roooar!

(Avicheese foot comes down and squashes poor

little Joel. Avicheese takes the CD and

laughs manically. DAVID and CAT come

running in and sees Joel lying on the

ground.)

Why don’t you fade into darkness? That’s it! The perfect song.

DAVID

Joel! Joel what happened to you?

JOEL

Ahhh… ahhh… took the cd… Levels… Levels!

DAVID

Oh my god! Somebody, call the mousebulance. Joel, you`re gonna

be ok!

JOEL

Avicheese… Took the CD…

DAVID

Joel! Calm down, you need to save your strength.

JOEL

Tell my mom…

DAVID

You can tell her yourself!

JOEL

Tell my mom… I… love… house… music!

(Joel passes out, and paramedics arrive

on the scene to try to revive him)

CAT

YOU LEFT A SIMPLE TOKEN

SOFTLY SPOKEN

WHISPER HERE

THAT INDICATES

YOU CONTEMPLATING

37

CAT (CONTINUED)

LOVING ME FOREVER

WITHOUT A SOUND

YOU HIT THE GROUND

HARDLY BREATHING, FINGERS CHILLED

LYING FLAT

PLEASE TELL ME THAT

HE’S INJURED BUT NOT KILLED

PARAMEDIC

I’m sorry miss, he’s gone

CAT

HE WANTED TO LIVE UNDER THE SPOTLIGHT

FIND A HOME WHERE THE WHOLE WORLD COULD SEE

I HAD MY HEART SET UPON HIM

AND HE HAD A FUTURE WITH ME

ALL OF THE LOVE WE HAD

ALL THAT WE COULD CONVEY

ALL OF OUR DREAMS TURNED BAD

AND THEN GOT TAKEN AWAY

BY A MAN IN BLACK

I WATCHED HIS HEART DECAY

WISH WE COULD MAKE MORE LOVE

SO WE COULD GIVE IT AWAY

DAVID

HE WAS A FIREWORK

EVERYTHING A FRIEND COULD’VE WANTED

I CAN’T BELIEVE THE TIME AND PLACE WE’RE IN

CAT

I’D WALK INTO HIS HOME, HE’D JUMP MY BONES, AND PULL INTO BED

HE WAS A PIECE OF ME, NOW I’VE LOST HIM

38

DAVID

HE WANTED TO LIVE UNDER THE SPOTLIGHT

FIND A HOME WHERE THE WHOLE WORLD COULD SEE

CAT

I HAD MY HEART SET UPON HIM

AND HE HAD A FUTURE WITH ME

ALL OF THE LOVE WE HAD

ALL THAT WE COULD CONVEY

ALL OF OUR DREAMS TURNED BAD

AND THEN GOT TAKEN AWAY

BY A MAN IN BLACK

I WATCHED HIS HEART DECAY

WISH WE COULD MAKE MORE LOVE

SO WE COULD GIVE IT AWAY

CAT

Joel…

PARAMEDIC

I’m so sorry. There was nothing we could do.

CAT

(Cries on DAVID’s shoulder.)

END OF ACT 1

39

ACT 2

SCENE 6

(JOEL is now in heaven with ST PETER.)

JOEL

Oh no! Where am I? Avicheese no!

ST. PETER

Calm down Joel, you’re safe now.

JOEL

Safe! What happened to Avicheese? He was trying to hurt me… I

think he was trying to kill me!

ST. PETER

You don’t have to worry about Avicheese anymore.

JOEL

Don’t have to worry? He could be still coming after me!

ST. PETER

He’s not.

JOEL

He’s not? He is I’m sure he is!

ST. PETER

He’s not, because, you’re dead…

JOEL

I’m dead?

ST. PETER

You’re dead.

JOEL

I’m dead?

ST. PETER

You’re

(Ominous Music)

Dead Mouse!

JOEL

Then, where am I? Who are you?

40

ST. PETER

You’re at the gates of Heaven. I’m St. Peter!

JOEL

You’re St. Peter?

ST. PETER

I sure am!

JOEL

But… you’re a mouse!

ST. PETER

You’re perceptive.

JOEL

Sorry, I just always thought St. Peter… um… you were a human.

ST. PETER

Why did you think that?

JOEL

I don’t know. Cause of the bible?

ST. PETER

Where in the bible does it ever say that I’m not a mouse?

JOEL

Umm, nowhere I guess.

ST. PETER

Anyways we need to take your fingerprints and get you ready for

processing.

JOEL

No! You can’t! I need to go back!

ST. PETER

Sorry, that`s not the deal.

JOEL

Please!

ST. PETER

You know how many people come here asking to be sent back?

Eight Billion and twelve! Why should I send you back?

41

JOEL

Because, because I’m in love!

ST. PETER

Ya, like I haven’t heard that one before.

JOEL

Because I am going to be the world’s greatest mouse house music

DJ and Avicheese killed me and stole my song and he’s going to

say that…

ST. PETER

Wait, wait. Did you say house DJ?

JOEL

Ya!

ST. PETER

Oh my god, I love house music! I’m obsessed.

JOEL

Really?

ST. PETER

Do you have any MDMA I could buy?

JOEL

Umm, no.

ST. PETER

God, you wouldn’t believe how hard it is to get that stuff up

here.

JOEL

Umm…

ST. PETER

Ok, let’s hear this song.

(Joel plays Levels, St. Peter starts

dancing, more and more aggressive.)

ST. PETER

Ahh, man that’s catchy.

42

JOEL

Thanks!

ST. PETER

And you’re saying that Avicheese stole this song from you?

JOEL

Ya! I finally did it. I finally wrote a song that I was really

proud of and that jerk stole it!

ST. PETER

Why did he kill you anyway?

JOEL

Because he didn’t want to share the glory with a mouse!

ST PETER

Wow, that little Swedish bastard!

JOEL

I know!

ST PETER

Ok, against my better judgment, I’m going to send you back.

JOEL

Amazing!

ST PETER

But you can’t tell God.

JOEL

Huh?

ST PETER

You can’t tell God about this.

JOEL

Oh, ok.

ST PETER

Seriously, if God finds out about this he will bend me over the

table and have his way with me.

JOEL

Really?

43

ST PETER

Seriously, if God finds out about this he’ll grind my testicles

into a meat grinder and feed them to me.

JOEL

Ummm.

ST PETER

Ya, and that’s not like a metaphor for him being angry. He will

literally take my balls, put them into a meat grinder and make

me eat them. This is something he can do and has done before.

JOEL

Wow, sounds like a bit of a jerk.

ST PETER

God, no he’s amazing. Everything he does is good by definition

so if he wants to put my testicles in a meat grinder and then

force me to eat them, that is by definition good, because he is

the source of all good and evil.

JOEL

I feel like this is getting deeper than it needs to get.

ST PETER

Ok, you’re right. I’m sending you back!

JOEL

Thanks so much! I really appreciate it! Oh just one more

thing.

ST. PETER

Ya?

JOEL

Is there any chance you could send me back as a human?

ST PETER

Sure, that’s actually much less paperwork anyway.

JOEL

Thanks!

ST. PETER

Just don’t tell god!

44

JOEL

Ok I won’t.

45

SCENE 7

(ST PETER exists and JOEL is brought

back to earth.)

JOEL

Holy crap! I can’t believe it, I’m back! Can’t wait to tell my

friends!

(Walks around to signify he’s going to

his own hood. CAT and DAVID are

standing together)

JOEL

David! Cat!

DAVID

Ahhh! Where’s the Cat?

JOEL

Cat, you’re so small! It actually worked! He actually did it!

DAVID

Oh, Cat the name, not the animal. God damn, what were your

parents thinking?

CAT

Who the hell are you! And how do you know my name?

DAVID

Look small ears, we’ve just been through some really bad stuff.

JOEL

Cat, it’s me!

CAT

Who’s me?

JOEL

It’s me, Joel! Joel Zimmermouse.

CAT

I’ll kill you!

(David holds her back)

46

DAVID

How can you bring up that name to her? You’re sick! Who are

you?

JOEL

It’s me! Joel… I swear!

CAT

Joel is dead! (crying)

JOEL

I died, but I got sent back!

CAT

That’s impossible. We buried him! You’re sick to fuck with me

like this!

JOEL

Cat…

CAT

Don’t talk to me!

DAVID

If you’re really Joel, tell me something only Joel would know.

JOEL

When we were one, you had a crush on a rat named Melissa!

CAT

Tons of people know that. Say something else that only Joel

would know!

JOEL

Cat, your safe word is Newt Gingrich (or any other joke, this

could change based on the night)!

CAT

J… Joel? Could it really be you?

DAVID

Wait… You have a safe word?

JOEL

Cat, it is me!

47

CAT

Joel, what happened?

DAVID (not sure which joke is best)

I wish I had a safe word/

I guess everyone’s reading 50 shades of grey these days/

I never picked Joel as a Christian Grey/

I never picked you as an Anastasia Steele

JOEL

Well I died, and I convinced St. Peter of my love of house

music, and he was so impressed by my passion that he sent me

back!

CAT

(At the edge of tears.)

Why did he send you back as a human?

JOEL

I asked him to, because now I can be a house DJ without having

to worry!

CAT

Are you kidding me Joel? You wished for this! Don’t you see

how terrible this is?

JOEL

Why? Now I can be a DJ!

CAT

How tall am I?

JOEL

3 inches.

CAT

And how tall is your…

JOEL

My what?

CAT

Your…

48

JOEL

Oh Cat, you’re gross!

CAT

And you’re ignorant to the basic laws of physics! Didn’t you

want to ever have sex with me?

JOEL

Of course! I mean we could still… ummm… I mean I guess we

could… wait no that won’t work. Let me think for a sec.

CAT

You’re ridiculous Joel!

JOEL

Cat, I love you!

CAT

You love someone else more.

JOEL

I don’t Cat! You’re the only one! You’ve always been the only

one!

CAT

(Quietly)Your one true love is, and has always been, House

Music. You chose House Music over me. You chose being a human

and house music over being a mouse and being with me. I hope

you’re happy.

(Starts running out)

JOEL

Cat, wait!

(CAT runs out.)

DAVID

Cat! Are you alright?

CAT

I`m a mess.

DAVID

I`m really sorry.

CAT

He was my world…

49

DAVID

I… don`t know what to say. I`m no good with this sort of thing.

CAT

I`ve… never loved anyone else.

DAVID

I remember the feeling.

CAT

What feeling?

DAVID

The first time I ever lost someone I loved.

CAT

(With a bit of malice.)

When have you ever been in love?

DAVID

(Looks offended.)

CAT

I’m… I’m sorry. I’m not myself.

DAVID

I’ve been in love three times now. Three times, all gone. You

get used to it kind of. But I remember the first time. With

Rachel. Before you knew me.

DAVID

I BELIEVED THAT WE

WERE MEANT TO BE

I BELIEVED IN US

CAT

I BELIEVED THAT I LOST YOU

THEN I FOUND YOU BUT IT COST YOU

WHO YOU WERE

NOW YOU’RE GONE

YOU WERE THE ONLY MOUSE I EVER LOVED

PLEASE FORGIVE MY TEARY EYES

MY UNKEMPT HAIR MY MUFFLED CRIES

50

DAVID

FORGIVE MY FINGERS IF THEY SHAKE

FORGIVE MY SMILE IF IT’S FAKE

CAT

COULDN’T YOU FORSEE

JUST WHAT THIS WOULD DO TO ME

I HAVEN’T PERFECTED THE ART

THIS IS MY FIRST BROKEN HEART

DAVID

THIS IS YOUR FIRST BROKEN HEART

I REMEMBER MY FIRST BROKEN HEART

I BELIEVED IN LOVE

I BELIEVED IN SOMEONE WATCHING UP ABOVE

CAT

AND NOW, HE’S GONE

Joel…

HE WAS THE ONLY MOUSE I’LL EVER LOVE

DAVID

I FORGIVE YOUR TEARY EYES

YOUR UNKEMPT HAIR YOUR MUFFLED CRIES

CAT

FORGIVE MY FINGERS IF THEY SHAKE

FORGIVE MY SMILE IF IT’S FAKE

DAVID

COULDN’T HE FORESEE

CAT


I HAVEN’T PERFECTED THE ART

DAVID

THIS IS YOUR FIRST BROKEN HEART

CAT


THIS IS MY FIRST BROKEN HEART.

51

CAT

(Goes to kiss DAVID. DAVID turns his

face away.)

I’m, I’m…

DAVID

Joel’s my best friend, and you’re an emotional wreck right now.

CAT

I’ve never felt like this before.

DAVID

I know Cat, I know. Don`t worry about it.

CAT

You know you seem like a douche usually, but every so often you

go and surprise me.

DAVID

I`m going to take that as a compliment. I`ve gotta get going

but text me if you need anything.

CAT

I will.

WELL I REALLY CARE A LOT ABOUT YOU

AND I MISS THE TIMES WE SPENT TOGETHER

DAVID

(Walks in on JOEL, coming from his

conversation with CAT.)

I was just talking to Cat.

JOEL

And? How is she?

DAVID

She’s pretty upset, to say the least.

JOEL

God, I don’t know what she’s so upset about.

DAVID

Maybe she’s upset that you and her will never be able to be

sexually intimate again?

52

JOEL

That’s crazy! We can make it work.

DAVID

How?

JOEL

This kind of thing happens all the time.

DAVID

When does it ever happen?

JOEL

How about the Ninja Turtles and April O’Neil?

DAVID

What?

JOEL

You know, the Ninja Turtles dating April O’Neil?

DAVID

Are we actually having this conversation?

(JOEL looks at DAVID but says nothing.)

Well, the Ninja Turtles and April O’Neil are at least the same

size. You’re 50 times bigger than her!

JOEL

Fine, then how about King Kong and that blond girl?

DAVID

King Kong dies in that!

JOEL

What about Bee movie?

DAVID

What?

JOEL

Bee movie! With Jerry Seinfeld as a Bee. In that movie the Bee

ends up dating the human girl. If Seinfeld can do it I can do

it!

DAVID

Joel, are you crazy! Those are movies! This is real life!

53

JOEL

No it isn’t! It’s a play. Look, there’s an audience.

DAVID

I hate when you do that.

JOEL

Do what?

DAVID

Break the fourth wall like that!

JOEL

Why?

DAVID

It’s cheesy.

JOEL

It’s not cheesy.

DAVID

It’s cheesy Joel! It’s cheesy and it’s annoying!

JOEL

Shakespeare does it.

DAVID

You’re not Shakespeare. You’re my best friend. You know I’ll

always have your back. I just hate to see Cat like this.

Anyways, I’ve gotta run. I’ll see you later

JOEL

See ya.

(David leaves.)

God, how can he take her side? Doesn’t David see how stupid

Cat’s being? This kind of thing always happens with girls!

JOEL

YOU USED TO GLOW LIKE A SHIMMERING PEARL

FIRST FRIEND I HAD WHO WAS ALSO A GIRL

YOU ALWAYS HAD BOTH FEET ON THE GROUND

HAD FUN JUST HANGING AROUND

54

YOU GAVE ME TIPS ON USING MY LIPS

AND YOU CONFESSED YOU SOMETIMES GET DEPRESSED

I SHOWED YOU SOMETHING I GUESS YOU NEVER WANTED TO SEE

INSTEAD OF FIGHTING YOU JUST STOPPED TALKING TO ME

USED TO THINK GETTING MAD WAS BELOW ME

SEE ME AT A SHOW YOU PRETEND YOU DON’T KNOW ME

GIRLS ARE STUPID

GIRLS ARE STUPID IT MAKES NO SENSE

JOEL (CONTINUED)

COULDN’T WE HAVE FOUGHT ABOUT IT

MADE OUT AND THEN FELT WEIRD ABOUT IT

INSTEAD YOUR STUPID FINGERS JUST TURNED OFF YOUR STUPID PHONE

INSTEAD YOUR STUPID FEELINGS GOT ME FEELING SO ALONE

INSTEAD I’M JUST A STUPID KID, AND YOU GREW UP WITHOUT ME

AND YOU GREW UP WITHOUT ME

I FEEL LIKE YOUR JACKIE PAPER

AND I AM THAT RASCAL PUFF

YOU’RE SICK OF STRING AND CEILING WAX

AND OTHER FANCY STUFF

GUESS YOU THINK THAT I’M A MONSTER

LOOKING DOWN FROM UP ABOVE

WHAT USE IS THERE FOR CEILING WAX

WHEN THERE’S A FUTURE TO THINK OF

PARDON ME BUT YOU ARE CRAZY

JOEL (CONTINUED)

SORRY BUT THAT MAKES NO SENSE

I AM YOUNG AND FULL OF PASSION

I WHISPER OUT IN MY DEFENSE

I WAS WRONG FOR GETTING ANGRY

THIS WHOLE THING IS OVERBLOWN

I AM SORRY I AM SORRY

PLEASE PICK UP YOUR PHONE

USED TO THINK GETTING MAD WAS BELOW ME

SEE ME AT A SHOW YOU PRETEND YOU DON’T KNOW ME

55

CAT

IF YOU COME BACK THEN I WILL FORGIVE

YOU FOR THE LIFE YOU’VE CHOSEN TO LIVE

IN THE END YOU KNOW IT’S TRUE

IF YOU COME BACK, THEN I’LL FORGIVE YOU

JOEL

IF YOU COME BACK, THEN I WILL FORGIVE YOU

BOTH

BUT YOU WON’T COME BACK

JOEL

CAUSE GIRLS ARE STUPID

CAT

I KNOW YOU REALLY DON’T BELIEVE THAT

JOEL

GIRLS ARE STUPID

CAT

BUT THE WORDS YOU SAY THEY MAKE ME SO MAD

BOYS ARE STUPID

JOEL

LIKE AN OYSTER SPITTING OUT ITS PEARL

CAT

BOYS ARE STUPID,

JOEL

YOU’VE GOT TO BE THE WORLD’S DUMBEST GIRL

CAT

BOYS ARE STUPID

JOEL

YOU’VE GOT TO BE THE WORLDS DUMBEST

CAT

BOYS ARE STUPID

JOEL

BUT I REALLY CARE A LOT ABOUT YOU

AND I MISS THE TIMES WE SPENT TOGETHER

56

SCENE 8

(Record Label Exec Office)

SECRETARY

Sir, we have someone in to see you.

EXECUTIVE

Well who is it?

SECRETARY

It’s a house DJ.

EXECUTIVE

Another one?

SECRETARY

Ya, sorry.

EXECUTIVE

Get rid of him.

SECRETARY

Well he played this song and…

EXECUTIVE

And what?

SECRETARY

And it’s pretty good. You might want to listen to it.

EXECUTIVE

Sigh, send him in.

JOEL

(Walks in as a human. He`s putting on

a fake cocky voice so the exec doesn`t

recognize him.)

Hello there.

EXECUTIVE

Alright, let’s hear it.

JOEL

(Plays Ghosts and Stuff).

57

EXECUTIVE

Wow, that’s great!

JOEL

I know.

EXECUTIVE

Have we met before?

JOEL

(Nervous, voice gets faker)

No we haven’t, not that I know of.

EXECUTIVE

You really remind me of someone. What’s your name?

JOEL

Ah, Joel. Joel Zimmer-mo…

(corrects himself)

I mean Joel Zimmerman.

EXECUTIVE

Wow, what a human sounding name.

JOEL

Thanks, I always tell people how human sounding my name is.

EXECUTIVE

A bit too Jewish though. Do you have a DJ moniker?

JOEL

Ya it’s Living Huuu… I mean. No that’s not what it is. It is.

Umm…

(Thinking of it at the time)

Dead… Mouse. Ya Deadmouse.

EXECUTIVE

I love it!

JOEL

Ya, it’s spelled D-E-A-D-M-A-U-5

EXECUTIVE

That’s idiotic.

58

JOEL

Is it?

EXECUTIVE

Ya, just spell it the regular way.

JOEL

Oh, ok.

EXECUTIVE

You kids these days with your ridiculous spelling and fancy DJ

fonts.

JOEL

Sorry (Sheepishly)

I guess it was a bit silly.

EXECUTIVE

Alright, I got a great plan we’re going to get you opening for

Avicheese at Labour of Love.

JOEL

Avicheese?

EXECUTIVE

Ya.

JOEL

Does it have to be him?

EXECUTIVE

Ya, why not? He’s the hottest DJ right now. His new song

Levels is exploding on the charts! Ohhhh, sometimes. I get a

good feeling!

JOEL

It is? (To the audience) My perfect song! (To executive) That

bastard!

EXECUTIVE

He’s a bit of a jerk, but it’ll be great for your career!

JOEL

I guess you’re right.

59

EXECUTIVE

It’ll be amazing. Alright kid I got a meeting with Eddie

Cheddar but speak to Michelle on the way out and she’ll get you

all set up.

JOEL

Great.

60

SCENE 9

JOEL

David, you ready to help with the midi transfer simulation?

DAVID

Ya, can you handle the synthetic beat tubes?

JOEL

Sure.

DAVID

Ok and we can go back and forth on the electric wind induction

device.

JOEL

Wow. Being a DJ is really tough!

DAVID

Ya, we definitely do a lot more than press play and pretend to

adjust the levels on this mixing board that isn’t even plugged

into anything so people who don’t know any better think we’re

actually making the music on the fly.

JOEL

Ya, definitely! Being a DJ is hard! You ready for this David

Goudda?

DAVID

You know it… Deadmouse.

(Joel puts on his Deadmouse Helmet.)

JOEL

Ok, stay down. We don’t want Avicheese to see you!

(House Music Starts Playing. CAT is in

the audience.)

HOUSE MUSIC FAN 1

Wow, Deadmouse is amazing!

HOUSE MUSIC FAN 2

I just followed him on Twitter and posted him to my Soundcloud!

HOUSE MUSIC FAN 1

I just posted his song on my Tumblr!

61

HOUSE MUSIC FAN 2

His Youtube video got over 500,000 views in the last hour!

HOUSE MUSIC FAN 1

I’ve never been outside.

HOUSE MUSIC FAN 2

Me neither.

CAT

(To herself)

Wow Joel, they really love you. You finally did it. You

finally found what you were looking for.

HOUSE MUSIC FAN 1

(Comes and tries to grind up on Cat)

CAT

Stop that!

JOEL

(Scene cuts back to Joel and David)

Is that Cat?

DAVID

Ya! It looks like she came!

JOEL

She looks beautiful. And… really sad.

DAVID

Ya, she hasn’t been the same since you came back with that human

penis of yours.

JOEL

Oh Cat…

DAVID

Dude!

JOEL

What happened? Is everything ok?

DAVID

It’s her! It’s HotTail24601. She’s within 500 metres! I gotta

go find her! Can you cover it here?

62

JOEL

Ya I can.

(David leaves. Joel gazes out at CAT.)

JOEL

THERE IS A GIRL I KNOW

AND SHE LIKES ME EVEN THOUGH

I’M A FOOL

I’M A FOOL

CAT

WELL I GUESS I WASN’T HOT ENOUGH

JOEL

I’M NAÏVE

CAT

I GUESS I WASN’T COOL ENOUGH

JOEL

I CRUSHED THIS DREAM

CAT

I GUESS I WASN’T GOOD ENOUGH FOR HIM

JOEL

FORGIVE ME

BECAUSE BOYS ARE STUPID

CAT

PLEASE FORGIVE THESE TEARY EYES

JOEL

BOYS ARE STUPID

CAT

UNKEMPT HAIR AND MUFFLED CRIES

JOEL

BOYS ARE STUPID

63

CAT

MY FINGER’S IF THEY SHAKE

JOEL

BOYS ARE STUPID

CAT

MY SMILE IF IT’S FAKE

JOEL

WHY COULDN’T I FORESEE

CAT


JOEL

I HAVEN’T PERFECTED THE ART.

CAT


JOEL

I KNOW A GIRL

SHE MAKES ME HAPPY

SHE MADE ME HAPPY

I’M NOT HAPPY ANYMORE

BUT I DON’T THINK THAT I’M GOOD ENOUGH

CAT

I`M NAÏVE

JOEL

HOW COULD SHE EVER TAKE ME BACK?

CAT

HOW COULD I NOT HAVE SEEN

JOEL

I DON’T THINK THAT I’M GOOD ENOUGH FOR HER

64

CAT

I’M NAÏVE

JOEL

BUT I’M BIG ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT THIS IS NOT THE FINAL DANCE

AND MAYBE IF I TRY THEN I CAN GET A SECOND CHANCE



AND I KNOW

THAT THIS IS TRUE AND YOU CAN QUOTE

CAUSE YOU’RE THE PERFECT SONG I WROTE

AND MAYBE I’LL BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR HER.

JOEL

St. Peter! St. Peter!

ST PETER

(Pops up from right beside Joel. It

seems like he was there the whole

time.)

What?

(Throughout this whole encounter St.

Peter is dancing and seems generally

high.)

JOEL

What are you doing here?

ST PETER

Oh, I never miss labour of love. I actually scored some MDMA.

Do you want some?

JOEL

Um, no I’m ok with the drugs.

ST PETER

(Disappointed)

Ok, so what’s up?

65

JOEL

Please Saint Peter. Please you need to make me a human again!

ST PETER

What? You are a human!

JOEL

Oh shoot, I meant to say mouse. You need to make me a mouse

again!

ST PETER

Oh, that makes more sense.

JOEL

Ya.

ST PETER

You really had me confused with that human thing!

JOEL

Ya, sorry slip of the tongue.

ST PETER

Ya, I thought I was just tripping on this MDMA!

JOEL

Oh, ya, sorry.

ST PETER

Do you want some? It’s great stuff!

JOEL

Um, no thanks. You actually mentioned that already.

ST PETER

Seriously, I’ll give you a deal!

JOEL

No I’m fine thanks.

ST PETER

Ok, so what were you saying?

JOEL

Can you just change me back into a mouse?

66

ST PETER

Wait, so you’re saying after all I did for you, sticking my neck

out for you, turning you human, sending you back, now you’re

slapping me in the face with asking me to turn you back into a

mouse?

JOEL

Um, yes?

ST PETER

(Starts laughing uncontrollably)

Hahaha, that’s fricking hilarious!

JOEL

Haha, ya.

ST PETER

The old be careful what you wish for! Am I right?

(Laughs aggressively)

JOEL

Haha, ya you’re right!

ST PETER

Alright, anything for my favourite new house DJ!

JOEL

Thanks!

ST PETER

But once I do this there are no backsies. I’m really doing you

a huge favour as it is!

JOEL

(Looks out at CAT longingly.)

Ok.

ST PETER

No backsies no erasies?

JOEL

None, I won’t ask you for anything else.

ST PETER

Ok, are you ready?

67

JOEL

I’m ready.

ST PETER

And you won’t tell God?

JOEL

I won’t.

ST PETER

Because otherwise.

JOEL

Testicles in a meat grinder, I know.

ST PETER

You catch on fast kid.

(And in a poof of smoke, JOEL

disappears, leaving only the Deadmouse

helmet sitting on the DJ Table.)

CAT

(Shrieks)

HOUSE MUSIC FAN 1

He’s gone!

HOUSE MUSIC FAN 2

He totally disappeared!

CAT

Oh my God!

HOUSE MUSIC FAN 1

This is crazy!

HOUSE MUSIC FAN 2

Wait, did that helmet just move?

HOUSE MUSIC FAN 1

The helmet just moved!

HOUSE MUSIC FAN 2

A mouse is getting out from under the Deadmouse helmet!

68

HOUSE MUSIC FAN 1

An actual Mouse! And he’s continuing the set!

CAT

Joel!

(Runs towards the stage, but actually

runs off stage)

HOUSE MUSIC FAN 2

An actual mouse doing house music! Can you believe it?

HOUSE MUSIC FAN 1

Ya, I thought they only were good at hip hop!

HOUSE MUSIC FAN 2

Wow he’s actually amazing!

(They continue to dance. Scene cuts

back to JOEL and DAVID)

CAT

(Running in from the side.)

Joel!

(Kisses JOEL.)

JOEL

Cat!

CAT

Where? Oh right, that’s me.

JOEL

I’m, I’m so sorry! I made a huge mistake!

CAT

Joel, don’t worry! You’re back! I can’t believe it! Praise

God!

ST. PETER

Shhhh, can you keep it down with that God stuff!

JOEL

Sorry, Sorry.

CAT

I can’t believe it. You’re back.

69

JOEL

Cat, we’ve been dating for a long time now. Three months! And

there’s something I have to do.

(Goes down on one knee, and takes out

his cell phone. Starts typing

something. Cat’s phone makes a tweet

sound.)

Looks like you have a new tweet.

CAT

Oh, who cares about twitter at a time like this!

JOEL

Check who tweeted.

CAT

(Pulls out her phone.)

A tweet from you!

JOEL

What does it say?

CAT

It says “I can’t wait for Christmas so… Cat Von D, will you

marry me.” Oh Joel! Of course! Of course!

(They kiss)

JOEL

Umm…

CAT

What? What’s wrong?

JOEL

Can you just at reply me on twitter so people know you didn’t

shut me down?

CAT

Oh sure! (Write’s on phone.)

JOEL

What did you write?

70

CAT

I wrote “Holy Fucking Shit, I’m engaged and stuff.” Does that

work for you?

JOEL

It’s the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard. Now time to

finish…

AVICHEESE

I told them no brown M&Ms in my dressing room. And what do they

put? (Sees Joel). A mouse! What the hell’s mouse doing here?

JOEL

I’m not just a mouse, I’m Joel Zimmermouse. And you stole my

song!

AVICHEESE

You! But I killed you!

JOEL

Well we don’t all fade into darkness that easily (nudging St.

Peter like it’s a joke.)

ST. PETER

That’s not funny.

AVICHEESE

If I can’t kill you by squishing you, and I surely can’t try

that same method of killing you a second time, I will kill you

in the more traditional sense.

JOEL

The only real way to kill someone.

AVICHEESE

A DJ battle.

JOEL

Rules?

AVICHEESE

No rules. To the death.

JOEL

To the death it is then.

71

JOEL

IT’S BEEN SO FAR, I’VE BEEN WALKING THE LINE ON MY OWN.

AVICHEESE

OHHH, SOMETIMES,

JOEL

LIFT ME UP TO THE STARS, WE ARE COMING HOME

AVICHEESE

OH SOMETIMES

CAT

I JUST WANNA PLAY IT RIGHT

AVICHEESE

GET A FEELING LIKE I NEVER NEVER NEVER HAD BEFORE

CAT

WE’RE GONNA GET THERE TONIGHT.

AVICHEESE

LIKE I NEVER NEVER NEVER HAD BEFORE.

LIKE I NEVER NEVER NEVER HAD BEFORE.

JOEL

HAPPY LIFE WITH THE MACHINES

SCATTERED AROUND THE ROOM.

LOOK WHAT THEY MADE

THEY MADE IT FOR ME

HAPPY TECHNOLOGY.

HERE

AVICHEESE

WHY DON’T YOU FADE INTO DARKNESS

JOEL

IN THE WORLD THAT THE CHILDREN MADE, HERE

AVICHEESE


JOEL

IN THE WORLD THAT THE CHILDREN MADE.

72

AVICHEESE


FADE INTO DARKNESS

AVICHEESE (CONTINUED)

I’VE ALREADY KILLED YOU ONCE BEFORE


FADE INTO DARKNESS

JOEL

RIPPING MY HEART OUT WAS SO EASY

AVICHEESE

WE COME A LONG WAY SINCE THAT DAY.

JOEL

LAUNCH YOUR ASSAULT NOW, TAKE IT EASY

AVICHEESE

AND WE WILL NEVER LOOK BACK, THE FADED SILHOUETTE

JOEL

RAISE YOUR WEAPON

AVICHEESE


JOEL

RAISE YOUR WEAPON

AVICHEESE


JOEL

RAISE YOUR WEAPON

AVICHEESE


JOEL

RAISE YOUR WEAPON

AVICHEESE

(LOSING STEAM) FADE… DARKNESS

JOEL

RAISE YOUR WEAPON, (AVICHEESE IS INJURED)

73

RAISE YOUR WEAPON (FURTHER INJURED)

RAISE YOUR WEAPON (AVICHEESE FALLS OVER AND DIES)

AND IT’S OVER

JOEL (CONTINUED)

AND IT’S OVER

AND IT’S OVER

It’s over

74

SCENE 10

ST PETER

He`s dead!

MOM

So it`s, finally over?

ST PETER

Yes, it’s over

JOEL

We did it you guys, we did it!

ALL

Hurray!

CAT

We sure did!

ALL

Hurray!

JOEL

We murdered Avicheese in cold blood!

(Awkward Pause)

ALL

Hurray!

EXECUTIVE

Joel! They love you out there.

JOEL

Can you believe it?

EXECUTIVE

Also it appears you`ve become a mouse.

JOEL

Oh, right.

EXECUTIVE

You`re not Joel Zimmerman. You`re Joel Zimmermouse!

JOEL

You caught me.

75

EXECUTIVE

Guess I was wrong. It looks like a mouse really can be a house

DJ. My phone has been ringing off the hook with offers from

festivals!

JOEL

Amazing!

EXECUTIVE

I`m so happy this all worked out! You know, I always had a

thing for mouse culture. And those big beautiful ears. A girl

could just….

DAVID

75 metres… 50 metres… 25 metres…

EXECUTIVE

(Notices DAVID.)

It`s you!

JOEL

It`s who?

DAVID

HotTail24601!

JOEL

HotTail24601?

EXECUTIVE

WhereThemGirlsAt69!

JOEL

WhereThemGirlsAt69?

EXECUTIVE

My love! It is you! I’ve been searching!

DAVID

I’ve been searching too!

EXECUTIVE

I’ve loved you since you showed up in my recently viewed tabs on

Plenty of Mice.

76

DAVID

I’ve loved you since I first saw you on my eligible girls within

500m tab!

EXECUTIVE

Oh WhereThemGirlsAt69.

DAVID

Why didn’t you message me?

EXECUTIVE

You don’t accept messages from people of my age or height. Why

didn’t you message me?

DAVID

Um, no reason!

CAT

Wait you’re the woman from Plenty of Mice?

EXECUTIVE

Ya.

CAT

Oh… We`ve heard so much about you.

EXECUTIVE

Good things I hope.

CAT

Heard you were smart as a whip!

EXECUTIVE

Thanks… I think.

DAVID

Wait you lied!

EXECUTIVE

Never!

DAVID

You said in your profile you were a mouse!

77

EXECUTIVE

You said in your profile you had a six pack!

DAVID

I was planning on having one!

JOEL

You guys can’t be together! It goes against one of the main

premises of the musical!

EXECUTIVE

He’s right you know.

JOEL

Damn straight.

EXECUTIVE

We shouldn’t violate the main premise.

DAVID

That would be bad.

EXECUTIVE

So bad.

DAVID

Dirty.

EXECUTIVE

Filthy.

DAVID

It wouldn’t...

EXECUTIVE

Make

DAVID

Any

EXECUTIVE

Sense.

(They kiss, with a total disregard for

the size difference. Because after

all, they’re actually both human

actors.)

78

JOEL

Oh Goddamnit you guys. You’re ruining my musical!

DAVID

Looks like someone’s gonna have a new stepfather!

EXECUTIVE

What are you talking about?

DAVID

You’re Joel’s Mom aren’t you?

EXECUTIVE

What? No. I’m the executive. I haven’t been Joel’s Mom since

the second scene!

DAVID

Oh that makes sense. (To Joel) I was wondering why you were

being so cool about it.

JOEL

Well, it looks like everything worked out in the end.

CAT

Except for your relationship with your mom.

EXECUTIVE

Ahh, screw that old bitch.

(Everyone laughs.)

DAVID

(Under his breath.)

Stupid old bitch.

ST PETER

So Joel, you reunited with your true love and you’re the hottest

DJ on the planet. What are you going to do now?

DAVID

You should travel the world! See the sites

JOEL

There’s only one place I ever wanted to be.

79

JOEL

I’VE TRAVELLED ROUND THE WORLD

ABOUT A MILLION TIMES BEFORE.

BEEN FROM THE PYRAMIDS OF GIZA

TO THE DEPTHS OF MORDOR

JOEL (CONTINUED)

BEEN FROM BUCKINGHAM PALACE

TO NIAGRA FALLS

BUT I GET THIS ITCH UNDER MY SKIN

THAT I CAN’T SCRATCH AT ALL

TRAVELLING THE WORLD IS FUN

BUT IT’S JUST NOT FOR ME.

I GOT NO LOVE FOR THE OCEAN

I CAN’T STAND THE SUN

I DON’T LIKE THE WAVES EVEN THE LITTLE ONES

AND I DON’T WANT TO WALK ON THE BEACH IN THE MOONLIGHT

GIVE ME A BASSLINE SLOW

AND A BEAT REAL FAST

DAVID

SOMETHING TO MAKE A GIRL COME

CAT

AND SHAKE HER ASS

JOEL

GIVE ME A BASS, A BEAT AND A MICROPHONE

AND I’M HOME

I GUESS I’M HOME

DAVID

I NEED THE BEAT

I NEED THE CROWD

JOEL

I NEED THE SMOKE

I NEED THE LOUD

80

JOEL

I NEED THE CHEERS OF THE FANS

WHO KNOW MY NEW NAME

I NEED THE LOVE OF A GIRL

TO KEEP ME SANE

CAT

I NEED THE LOVE OF MY BOY

TO BRING ME JOY

DAVID

I NEED THE HAND OF A FRIEND

TO HELP ME IN THE END

AVICHEESE

I THINK THAT I MIGHT STILL BE ALIVE

CAT

(Stomps his face many times to the

rhythm of the song.)

DAVID

Did you just curb stomp Avicheese?

JOEL

I GOT NO LOVE FOR THE OCEAN

I CAN’T STAND THE SUN

I DON’T LIKE THE WAVES EVEN THE LITTLE ONES

AND I DON’T WANT TO WALK ON THE BEACH IN THE MOONLIGHT

GIVE ME A BASSLINE SLOW

AND A SYNTH REAL FAST

DAVID

SOMETHING TO MAKE A GIRL COME

(CAT gives him a look)

AND SHAKE HER ASS

JOEL

GIVE ME A BASS, A BEAT AND A MICROPHONE

AND I’M HOME

I GUESS I’M HOME

81

JOEL

I NEED THE BEAT

I NEED THE CROWD

I NEED THE SMOKE

I NEED THE LOUD

HALF THE CAST

JOEL ZIMMERMOUSE (OVER AND OVER)

OTHER HALF THE CAST

DEADMOUSE, FOUND WHAT YOU’RE LOOKING FOR!

JOEL

(BY THE END) BASS A BEAT AND A MICROPHONE!

AND BY THE VERY END EVERYONE’S SINGING

DEADMOUSE, DEADMOUSE, DEADMOUSE.

JOEL

Deadmouse, a musical not based on the music of Deadmau5.

ALL

DEADMOUSE!

THE END

Documents

DEADMOUSE THE MUSICAL (NOT FEATURING THE MUSIC OF deadmau5 …€¦ · (NOT FEATURING THE MUSIC OF deadmau5) Book and Lyrics by Rafe Malach Music by Rafe Malach How Do I Get Through