VOLUME IV, ISSUE 8 DECEMBER 9, 2008OBJECTS AND IMAGES MAY BE FUNNIER THAN THEY APPEAR

John Q. On Snow! Page 2Holiday Gift Guide! Page 3

Black Friday Nearly Ruined! Page 3Otto Brothers Need Money! Page 4

Today: The weather outside is frightful.Tomorrow: Terrifying weather patterns con-tinue to wreak havoc.

TheBlowfish

Inside This Issue

JOKE OF THE WEEK:Q: Where do French Generals keep their armies?

A: In their sleevies!

NOTE FROM THE EDITORS:

Read us online! www.blowmyfish.com!

FOOTBALL NEWS:

CAMPUS NEWS:

BAT-NEWS:

MUSIC NEWS:

WIZARD NEWS

JUICYCAMPUS NEWS:

Stein to remain open, tens of peoples’ dinner plans remain uncanceled.Page Ollie

Giants WR Plaxico Bur-ress gets past safety for first time this season.

Page 6

Blowfish reportedly gives terrible head.

Page Census

J.K. Rowling produces Harry Potter spinoff, purely for the love of writing.

Page Snitch

Chinese Democ-racy finally released, Kissinger declares con-tainment a success.Page 1991

“The Dark Knight” to be re-released in January; Heath Ledger still dead. Page 88

BY DANIEL PIPESStaff Writer

TODAY’S WEATHER

TAKE ME TO THE RIVERBrandeis plans to add shuttle to the funnest place in the whole wide world-- the waterpark!

Good luck with your finals. You’re going to need it, you’ve been doing the cross-words all year instead of listening to your professor!

Students were filled with abundant cheer yesterday as rumors abounded about a shuttle to Riverside. However, while many

believe that this is a shuttle to the local Green Line, in fact it is a shuttle to the

lesser known Riverside Water Park and Safari, located in Worcester. Inner tubes are currently being blown up, bathing suits aired

out, and noodles used to hit people are being horded by that one asshole in the pool that won’t share.

It was a happy

total watery orgasm that is Riverside. Flip-pers on, The Blowfish dove into the story behind the aquatic glory. The shuttle is part of a campaign to im-prove Brandeis’ image, as seen in the new campus motto, “Goodbye Tim Morehouse, Helloooo Michael Phelps.” As the Coordi-nator of Getting a Life Ural Wyrd pointed out, “Brandeis needs a funner, looser im-age, one associated with water slides, too much sunscreen, and pissing in the Lazy River.” Brandeis students have long been associated with dry slides, avoidable sun-burns, and urination in areas marked off as acceptable for such actions. The shuttle is also a boon to Brandeis’s dried out, desiccated swim team in their constant search for lubrication. Now they can do all they did in Lindsay Pool

(RIP) and much more. “It’s ab- solutely amaz-i n g , ” said swimmer and am- ateur panhandler

Mark Pringle. “We have the

f a c i l i t i e s for all

race. We are going to dominate.” The swim team coach, who asked to re-main unnamed, concurred succinctly, “I agree,” while fixing his floaties. Many, however, are not happy with the decision, claiming that with the current economic crisis and the Brandeis budget deficit, the univer-sity should be saving money. “Look, I enjoy buying overpriced curly fries at the cabana after petting sting rays as much as the next guy,” said fresh-man and all around killjoy Frank Pol-lomer. “But I don’t see how we can justify shuttling students over just so they can wait on line for the log flume ride.” Unfortunately, nobody was around to hear this criticism, as we were all too busy on line for the log flume ride.

The Student Union Deputy Vice President of Talking to People, Prince Formerly, gave a small, intimate press confer-

ence on the subject. “Blah blah blah blah blah blah Boston” is the

most accurate available transcript (all of the reporters were coordinating

their matching goggles at the time), so it is safe to assume that he probably said,

“This access to great potable fun will make us never want to go to boring, arid places like Boston.” He is abso-

lutely right.

day, f i l l ed w i t h hope, con-tentment, and playful, flirtatious splashing. The only re-gret? “I wish they had done this at the beginning of the year. It kind of sucks now that it’s winter,” ventured Frank Rucken ‘11, sashaying away in a one piece 1920s-style bathing suit. But this was only a small afterthought to the

sorts of new swim events, like the 200m downhill scary looking slide and the To the Side and Back Wave Pool

Shapiro Campus Center: Ignore those stains on the couch. You’re in the center of the campus, the place that people walk through to avoid the cold. Its also the perfect place to hang out if you enjoy sitting in a quiet room in deep thought when a guy with whooping cough and important conversation on the phone about his lat-est frat party decides to waltz in and take the seat next to you. You could either leave, or buy a large mocha coffee at Einsten’s and splash it on him, so that he must hide half of his face while hiding in the Shapiro rafters, causing chandeliers to fall and deliv-ering operas to the UTC. Ei-ther way, distractions abound here.

The Peace Room: Ignore those stains on the couch. The peace room is the per-fect place to look for a bit more quiet and less excite-ment. Here, you can “chill” on the hemp sofa while you put your legs up on a tye-dyed bean bag, while fixing your ponytail and discussing which shade of yellow you plan to paint your VW bus. Somewhere between the pey-ote trips, you’ll get a paper done. Just don’t expect it to be coherent. Or in English.

The Library: Ignore those stains on the couch. The library is pretty much the “classic” place to get work down. There are plenty of tunnels and hallways to sneak down, and plenty of adventures to be had before

you finish. See if you can reach the deepest floor of the library, Farber 9 or “The Dungeon Floor.” Just make sure you pick up the light arrows on Goldfarb 2 first.

--Green Room: The green room is the best place to study when you want to replace the background with some sort of space monster, or a map of the United States with the weather.

--Getz Lab: We hear this place actually exists, but no-body really bothers trying to find it. But hey, let us know.

Student Financial Services: Ig-nore those stains on the couch. A little known enclave, there are a number of nice tables set up and a computer cluster, each of which have a nice view of Boston. Unfortunately, you will be constantly reminded that you cannot really afford to fail this final, in the literal sense. In this economy, you won’t get a job without at least an A.

Lindsay Pool: Ignore the stains on the diving board. Because you won’t have to deal with any more distracting members of the pool team, you are free to use the entire room as your studying stomping-ground. Unfortunate-ly, the structural integrity of the

room is worthy of FEMA’s attention, and at least one EPA member has not lasted one inspection without being poisoned by asbestos. There is also a large ant colony that does not enjoy foreign inva-sions, so be sure to come equipped with plenty of Raid. Or a mag-nifying glass and strong source of light.

Are you tiring of sitting in your gray, windowless room, your face buried in the drab, dry pages of a text book? Are you certain that the walls are moving a little bit closer every time you look down? Is your door a little bit harder to find every time you look for it?

If so, then you’ve just reached the perfect article for you. If not, read it anyways. You can look at the Photo Poll first, as long as you promise to come back.

The first thing you have to do is leave your room. The campus is full of interesting and creative places to study. Our scien-tists have spent months roaming the campus, and have compiled this handy guide to all the best places to study for finals.

The Finals Countdown

You should have seen this place before it was renovated.

YO, GET THIS:The Blowfish is not a real newspaper, and as such con-tains completely fictional articles. No articles or quotes are truthful by any means and should not be conceived as such. All photos courtesy of the Internet (public domain) and staff.

PAGE 2- OPINION

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.

BY JOHN Q. PUBICAmerican

SLICE OF APPLE PIE

Photo Poll:What Do You Want For Christmas?

“To be allowed to commit suicide in peace.” -Jimmy Stewart

“Reindeer Games on Blu-Ray. I don’t understand why they keep coming out with these new formats. What was wrong with BetaMax?- Rudolph

“Aww, not Myrrh again! I got that last year!” - Christ

“Rock Band.” - Fred Flinstone

“A cure for my enlarged heart syndrome.”- The Grinch

“Finally, somebody asks me.”- Santa Claus

I would run downstairs, fix myself a bowl of “Raisin Bran with Marshmal-lows” and watch as the newscaster would tell us that school was officially cancelled. I could almost see the disappointment in his eyes, dark win-dows into his empty, empty soul.

LETTERS FROM HOBBITS

Judah DruckAlex Norris

Daniel OrkinSam Roos

Editors

Jesse AppellAlex BraverErika Geller

Jordan GoodnoughBen SwartzJordan Smedresman

Staff

Thank You For Reading

Devon Hermenau Contributors

Yael Katzwer

Earlier this week, Frodo Baggins, along with his gardener Sam Gamgee and their chums, Merry Brandybuck and Pippin Took, returned to the Shire after a year’s disappearance. A notable recluse and reported dandy, Baggins was last seen at his uncle Bilbo’s birth-day when he and his friends vanished. Although a number of residents (this writer included) wondered where the four Hobbits had hopped off to, no one expected them to be missing for so long. This may be the longest disappearance from the Shire in almost fifty years, and most residents still can’t understand why anyone would choose to leave. Although it is unclear where Bag-gins was during his trip, it is safe to assume that it was largely unexciting, especially compared to all of the events that have taken place in the Shire. This Spring produced the largest harvest in three years, not to mention the great storm that latest all of two days. The Brandywine River was very, very close to overflowing and possibly ruining multiple crops. It was a terrifying situation, but nothing a nice warm elevenses can’t fix. According to eyewitness accounts, Baggins appeared tired and thin, like “butter spread out over too much bread.” It may just be this Hobbit’s humble opinion, but really, what need is there to leave the Shire? I mean, beyond our borders, what is this really out there? There’s the town of Bree. Some mountains, sure. Maybe a forest or two. I guess there’s also some Elves and Men out there. But I can see no conceivable reason for leaving. Everything necessary for a full and fulfilling life can be found here within the Shire. In fact, I never ventured beyond the South Farthing until I had reached my forty-fifth birthday. There was no reason. They grow the finest pipe-weed in Longbottom, the Green Hill County is full of peaceful green fields, and the Overbourne Marshes are home to some of the easiest women this side of Buckland. When reached for comment, Merry said that the journey was “hard to put into words. There were a lot of trees and Elves, and Frodo destroyed a ring.” It certainly doesn’t sound like any type of “adventure” that necessitates leaving Hobbiton.

When I was kid, I hoped that every day would be a snow day. From September to June, every morning I would wake up and flip on the televi-sion, just waiting for that pompous ass newscast-er to say schools were closed for the day. More often than not, he would say that school was still on, taunting me through his tiny glass cage with his smug, knowing smile and his store-bought glasses. Every day I would be forced to march into school, sitting at my desk which was placed within the totalitarian, dehumanizing grid of the classroom. I would sit there throughout the day, my mind wandering through meadows with elves, gnomes and goblins, while my body remained chained (metaphorically) to my desk, forced to muddle through the mindless bureaucracy and bullshit of elementary school. But then there were those magical days. When I would run downstairs, fix myself a bowl of “Raisin Bran with Marshmallows” and watch as the newscaster would tell us that school was officially cancelled. I could almost see the disappointment in his eyes, dark windows into his empty, empty soul. I was free for the day. No more sitting in class, wondering how chalk is made or how they know rulers are 12 inches

when they make them. I could run outside all day, building snowmen and women and hoping that they would procreate a whole army of adorable and delicious snowba-bies. I could build a snow fort, and fill it with snowballs. Or I could build a snowcar, and drive around the block, speeding past my loser friends on their boring snowbicycles. After a long day of snowball fights and snow-ball cuddling, I would run home and jump onto my bed, falling into sleep and dreaming about the hypothetical snow day that could fall during the year. As time marched on, my love of snow and snow construction grew proportionately with my love of jazz. Although my peers in high school didn’t ap-preciate snow days as much as I did, I always took advantage of our opportunities, branching out into snow tailoring and snow interior design. I would spend all day crafting snow clothing and snow furniture to furnish my newly built snow apartment. For the next few days, I could live a comfortable snow life, until the sun would brighten up and cause all of my possessions and clothing to melt. Which brings me to my current situation. Where the hell is all the snow? Here we are, with only two weeks left until the semester ends, and I haven’t seen one flake of snow. How am I supposed to concentrate on studying when at any moment pounds and pounds of snow should be falling from the sky? We’re halfway through December, and it’s still more than fifty degrees. Fifty degrees! That’s water weather, when I crave snow weather. Last year at this time, there were several feet of snow. But John, you wonder, what about all that snow we got on Sunday? Well, that obviously doesn’t count. Think about it for two seconds: I wrote this article a week ago, and I don’t feel like updating it and/or writing a new article. So there goes that brilliant theory, Einstein. But keep trying. So that’s my predicament. I’m stuck at a bor-ing, snowless school.

According to reports just received, QuadEdi-tor and all around douche Judah Druck is taking a leave of absence from The Blowfish. Druck plans to relocate to a remote island south of the equator known as Australia. “I don’t think I’ll really be missing that much,” said Druck when asked for comment. “I mean, I have to fly through a whole bunch of time zones and stuff. So even though I’ll be gone for five months, because of the time dif-ference, it will only feel like two.” “Judah?” said Blowfish QuadEditor Daniel Orkin. “He’s that guy that keeps calling me, right? It’s like every other two weeks, I get a call from this guy. ‘Are you coming to the meeting tonight?’ ‘Did you write anything for this issue?’ ‘Can you stop punching me?’ I mean, enough already!”

Druck Run AmockBY JEW “DUHHH” DRUCK

Elitist

Anthony Scibelli

Jeremy Frisch

Whatever they were doing was decidely worse than this, right?

The Holiday BlowtalogYour monthly guide to finding bargains on goods and services!

NEWS- PAGE 3

Stinky Dude Hasn’t Left Hall

BY GEORGE R. BINKSWhaling Gungan

Best Day Of the Year Nearly RuinedAmerica’s favorite holiday, Black Friday, nearly ruined by multiple homicides

BY HUGO GIRLRead Name Out Loud

Alan Garkle ’11 is on the verge of an incredible achievement. With less than a week of classes left, Garkle is within sight of achieving his goal for the semester: not leaving his floor on Hassenfeld the entire semester. “A lot of people said it couldn’t be done,” Garkle told The Blowfish in an interview in his room, “but I wouldn’t take ‘you’re ruin-ing the entire point of going to college’ for an answer.” Garkle has subsisted on Stein delivery and stuff his hall-mates bring back from Usdan. He got friends to sign him into his classes, then reviewed notes and took quizzes on LATTE. On weekends, he would pregame with his hallmates, then drink alone watch-ing DVDs of “Buffy The Vampire Slayer” until they came back. It isn’t all Buffy and Stein dip for Garkle, though. While his friends have checked his

mailbox for him, federal regulations prevent them for signing for his packages—mean-ing the dozens of cakes and other care pack-ages sent by his mother sit wistfully in the mailroom. Garkle also had to break up with his girlfriend (whom he had dated almost all of freshman year,) because she lived a floor above him. “I guess it’s pretty cool,” admitted Garkle’s neighbor, Tim Tankersly ’11. “I mean, he gets to sleep, like, a lot, and he’s pretty much optimized the layout in his room. I heard he can get to the bathroom in only seven steps, too.” Things weren’t always so smooth for Gar-kle. Early in the semester, a fire drill went off that sent more students outside at 3 a.m. Garkle, however, held strong, refusing to leave even after firefighters axed down his door in order to save him from the danger-ous burnt grilled cheese sandwich smoke. There was also his parents’ threat to cut off Garkle’s X-box Online account if he did not make it home for Thanksgiving. Fortu-nately, Garkle was able to cut a last minute deal by allowing himself to be webcasted into the meal, eating a bowl of Easy Mac in place of stuffing. “All in all, I’d say that it was totally worth it,” declared Garkle. “Sure, my skin is pasty white and my hair is frighteningly long, and yeah, my social network is down to about eight people, and it is true that I failed three exams because I didn’t show up, but I haven’t worn pants in nearly four months! If that’s not what college is all about, then I don’t know anything.” When reached for comment, Garkle’s roommate, Alan Greensburg ’11, simply said “Man, fuck that guy.”

Parachute ($50)- For your friends and close ones working on Wall Street, there is no better way to show them you care than by giving them a way to continue to walk among the living after jumping out their window because their latest stock move lost them two million dol-lars. For an extra $10, another bro-ker will jump out with you and film the entire event to later show your shanty town fam-ily.

Guitar Hero V ($60)- The new-est video game sensation, “Guitar Hero,” is set to take college cam-puses by storm. Combining teen-agers’ love of rock n’ roll and sitting on their ass, “Guitar Hero V” follows the successful for-mat of “Guitar Hero: Aerosmith” by dedicating the entire game to one band, even if that band is every bad rock cliche wrapped up into five ugly guys. “Guitar Hero V” features the music of The Alan Parsons Project.

Barbie Dolls ($15)- The perfect gift for girls with self-esteem issues.

Dark Knight Action Figures- Relive the biggest, most violent movie of the year with toys designed for young children. You could go with the hor-ribly deformed Two-Face ($10), who includes a

weak storyline that should have been its own movie, Batman ($12), who comes with a free pack of smokes that explain his amusingly raspy voice, and the Jok-er ($20), that only lasts until the peak of your fun with it, after which it “ac-cidentally” ends up in the trash.

Monopoly ($25)- Here’s a way for your kids to have fun while learning. They’re going to be inheriting a bar-ren, post-apocalyp-tic world from you,

and they’ll be screwed unless they know how to handle money.

Scarf ($5)- A scarf? Are you seriously consider-ing buying someone a scarf? You know, it is fuck-ing sociopaths like you that take all the fun out of the holiday. Why don’t you take your scarves and vomit green sweaters and gift cards to Kohls somewhere else, where you can’t ruin the holiday for the rest of us. Dick.

Across the country last week, Americans celebrated the holiday that is quintessential to their nation. The holiday that brings families together in the ultimate celebration of gluttony: Black Friday. From coast to coast, shoppers lined the streets ten, nay twenty, deep in preparation for sale prices that simply cannot be beaten. This year, the bargains were better than ever, with mega-stores like Target, Best Buy and Wal-Mart offering as much as 60% off on everything from scarves to USB drives. Things that people actually wanted were also on sale. Shoppers were very excited about their hauls. The Blowfish spoke with one woman, a Ms. Con-nie Sumer, about what she got: “I got an X-box 360 for only $125, a 90-pack of red tennis balls for only $69.99, and an extra door-frame for just $13! You just can’t beat prices like that.” When asked why an Amish woman who doesn’t live in a house and does not own a tennis court would buy such things, Sumer simply yelled “it’s the principle!” while rushing off towards the 30%-off sale at Hot Topic. Of course, the day was not without it’s darker moments. In Long Island, NY, a Wal-Mart employee was trampled to death by a stampede of early morn-ing shoppers. “That’s just so sad,” opined Debbie

Dolarsky, a shopper at that particular Wal-Mart. “I mean, you just think about what that person lost, and you can’t help but weep. I mean, they were letting Blu-Ray players go for $100! Who wouldn’t want one at that price? But that poor man will never know the joy of Blu-Ray’s su-perior visual and audio quality! It’s a goddamn shame.” Other parts of the country saw their holi-day marred by violence as well. In California, two men shot each other in a Toys R Us, ap-parently over a conflict over the last remaining Tickle Me Elmo 3.0. “The real tragedy is, there were plenty of Tickle Me Bert’s and Tickle Me Ernie’s still available. But people really love Elmo, I guess,” said Tony Touch, the manager of Toys R Us. All in all, most people were satisfied with the day’s events. “Of course all the needless death caused by disgusting “super-consumer” mental-ity is sad,” said Chicago native B. Obama (who asked for his full name to be withheld,) “But good god, did you see how cheap they were let-ting the power-tools go? Nothing like a $17.99 Ryko power-swazall to help with the grieving process.”

During winter break, two of the best holidays will take place - Christmas and Tiger Woods’ birthday. Also, Hannukah is somewhere in there. With each of these special days comes the gift of giving, and we here at The Blowfish are here to help you choose the best presents for that special someone from

our all new Holiday Blowtalog.

I mean, he gets to sleep, like, a lot, and he’s pretty much optimized the layout in his room. I heard he can get to the bathroom in only seven steps, too.

$20 says that Batman tries to put the moves on eco-sensative Barbie.

PAGE 4- P.S.

Otto Brothers Head Home Tail Tucked Between LegsBY LANCE CORPORAL

Pacifist

Soulutions to “Half-Time Show”

Across Clues 1. Berate 6. Impetuous 11. ER pronouncement 14. Tortoise’s rival 18. Toil 19. Wiry 20. Conservative Coulter 21. Monumental 22. School’s out for the summer at the University of Machu Picchu? 25. Mechanical man, for short 26. Building brick band 27. Punts 28. Cry 30. Rocks, in a glass 32. Inquire 35. Dr. of rap 36. Exit light, enter the Great White North? 43. Bird also called a flycatcher 45. Venus de ____ 46. See 122-Down 47. Eagle’s claw 48. Jeremy spoke in class today, mon? 52. [as written] 54. Participle ending 55. Super suit maker Mode

56. Ambassador 58. Heckler’s weapon 61. Pince-____ glasses 62. ESPN show 63. Fall concert headliner 65. Chopper blade 66. Popular pipe cleaner 68. Breach 71. Isn’t wrong? 72. Public health org. 73. I’m not a prophet and I won’t preach to you, but maybe Hugo Chavez will? 78. Carried out 79. Fan pleaser? 80. Wall St. debut 81. Madagascan primate 84. Fashion magazine 86. U-turn from WSW 87. Crackpot 89. Itnl. Red Cross, for one 90. They’ll clean you out? 92. Lighten up 97. Captain’s position 98. Hosp. scan 99. Once around 101. It’s been awhile since I’ve visited Jakarta? 103. It’s between a foot and a shoe 106. See 42-Down 108. Croon 109. Mork or ALF 110. Dance the night away at

Buckingham Palace? 113. Four-wheeler, for short 115. “____ Poetica” 116. In the style of 117. “Should I stay or should ____...” 118. Levitate 120. Honey glazed spiral fares 123. NFL scores 125. Old time rock and roll shop opens on the Friedrichstraße? 132. Elemental unit 133. Golf gadget 134. Path 135. Actress Zellweger 136. Julia in Ocean’s Eleven 137. Ambulance letters 138. Elephant king 139. Author Bagnold, and others Down Clues 1. Hearst’s kidnappers, for short 2. Iron Man Ripken 3. ____-Wan 4. Fasten securely 5. I made it out of clay 6. British chap 7. Mexican rivers 8. Cellular energy source, for short 9. “Thar ____ blows!” 10. Not him 11. Toys with, with “in” 12. Lennon’s lady 13. Shenanigan 14. Montana’s capital 15. Mimic 16. Derrick 17. Green prefix 23. “Bad Moon Rising” band 24. Central member of NAFTA 29. Ancient 31. Feline 32. Tack on 33. Farming machine 34. Principled December holiday 36. Lost GIs 37. Inventor Whitney, and others 38. Pluck a guitarra 39. “____ ain’t broke...” 40. Junior Justice 41. Carl J. Shapiro is a big one 42. With 106-Across, director 44. Historic time 45. 2001, to Nero 49. 747 or 757 50. Pablo’s pal 51. Golfer Palmer, to friends 53. Greek island 57. New Age musician 59. Early Ford 60. “____ of Two Cities” 62. Speaker’s spot 64. Part of a process

67. Prod 69. “It’s the end of the world ____ know it...” 70. Fallback idea 71. “____ Maria” 74. Perfect 75. Declares, states 76. Played SimCity 77. Memory loss 82. More homely 83. Caesar, Augustus, and Brutus 84. Vice follower 85. Kitchen tearjerker 88. Family card game 91. Black Friday incentive 93. “____ Small World” 94. Profit 95. Rear 96. “Star Trek” series, for short 97. Loki’s daughter 98. Dallas NBAer, for short 100. Dongs 102. Basque territory 104. Abysses 105. ____-El (Superman) 107. Chicken-to-be 111. WebCT’s successor 112. Arching shot 113. “Ragged Dick” author Hora-tio 114. Low digit? 118. Cheese from 53-Down 119. The Untouchables, e.g. 120. Head covering 121. Gobbled up 122. With 46-Across, The Italian Job star 124. Obama or Pelosi, abbr. 126. Sphere 127. Squeezing snake 128. Quizno’s option 129. Singer DiFranco 130. Homer’s neighbor 131. “Roundabout” band

Country Music:......The Policeland tickets on sale now!

Finding themselves unable to make ends meet, three brothers from Detroit forced to beg their mommy for money

“I stand by some of our so-called ‘reck-less’ actions-- that trip to Cabo was a real de-stresser for Jim, who had just broken up with his girlfriend Pontiac. And those Joey Harrington rookie cards we invested in? Well, as far as I’m concerned, the jury is still out on that one.”

-- Jim Otto

The Lions celebrating the best moment of their season: the end of a game.

It seems that the harsh economic times are ef-fecting even the smallest, most microscopic and unimportant U.S citizens. The Otto Brothers, Jim, Ford, and Chris-Tyler, are a couple of hard-working, beer-swilling guys who set out years ago to the land of opportunity-- Detroit, M.I. All three were able to find jobs there, and for many years, life was swell. They were able to rebuild their shaky lives, providing food, clothing and occasionally dogs for their family. But recently, they’ve had trouble making ends meet, and this week they were forced to trudge back home to Washington D.C. and do they unthinkable-- ask their mother for money. “I think that Ma and Pa owe this to us,” said Ford Otto. “I mean, we’ve been send-ing them money every year-- almost 50% of our paychecks go back to them. That’s a lot of lot when you’ve got three kids in school, especially when they keep having to repeating grades. And if we lose our jobs, well, the other fellas in the factories, they’re probably gonna be so sad that they’ll all decide to up and quit. Then where would we be?” Recent allegations have come out claiming that the brothers have been spending reck-lessly. In response, their parents claimed that they should have been saving something in case they ever got into a bind like this. “I mean, in

hindsight, sure, it’s easy to say that,” admit-ted Jim. “But at the time, who knew? We were getting bonuses and raises virtually every year, and I stand by some of our so-called ‘reckless’ actions-- that trip to Cabo was a real de-stresser for Jim, who had just broken up with his girlfriend Pontiac. And those Joey Harrington rookie cards we invested in? Well, as far as I’m concerned, the jury is still out on that one. In fact, maybe we should get some more of those,

the market is so low...” Jim then trailed off, visions of Joey Har-rington

dancing in his head like so many sugarplums. The Ottos’ mother, who goes by her maiden name of Amy Rica, said that she wasn’t sure what she was going to do with the boys. “I’m at my wits end with those three, honestly.” she confided to The Blowfish. “I mean, if I cut them a check, what are they going to learn? But on the other hand, can I just let my boys die in the street?”

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