Discipline Child

7/25/2019 Discipline Child

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because kids dontcome with directions

A guide for parents


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Introduction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3

Discipline Is Teaching . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5

Common Parenting Issues

Infants (Birth to 9 months) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7Development and disciplineGaining confidence as a parent

When babies cryDoes a baby ever sleep all night?

Babies and Toddlers (9 months to 2 1/2 years) . . . . 13Development and disciplineGetting into everything

When toddlers should not touchTantrumsHe thinks hes in chargeBiting

Toilet trainingSharingPreferring one parent

Making a messShe cant sit still

Preschoolers (2 1/2 to 5 years) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 25Development and disciplineBedtime battles

The picky eaterPower struggles

Wetting the bedWhining

1

Table of Contents


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Grade School (5 to 9 years) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 35Development and discipline

When kids break rulesLyingSibling battlesBad language

Talking back

About Spanking . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 41

Anger . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 45

Time Out . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 47

More Resources for Parents . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 49How your doctor can help

The Parent WarmlineINFO-U

Credits . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 51

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Dear Parents:

Parenting can be like riding a roller coaster.

Some days its exciting, fun, and joyful. Otherdays you may feel tense and uncertain about

your ability to do your job. Being a parent israrely dull. Being a parent is also the mostimportant work youll ever do.

We know how tough parenting can be. Wealso know how much you care about yourchildren. But children dont come withdirections. They dont always behave the way

you want them to. And, it seems that just as youfigure out what works, they grow into anotherstage with a whole new set of joys andchallenges.

Positive Discipline: A Guide for Parentslooks atsome of the common parenting challenges youmay face from birth through early elementaryschool. Our goal is to give you some ways toaddress these challenges, using positivediscipline techniques to guide your childsbehavior.This booklet is filled with ideasthat we know really work.

One technique youll notice we neverrecommend is spanking. We know that mostparents would rather not spank, but sometimesit seems like nothing else works. The fact is,there are many, much better ways than spankingto help a child learn what to do and how tobehave.

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Most important, there is a connectionbetween spanking and your childs health.Children who arent spanked have better mentalhealth, feel better about themselves, and are lessstressed. Good health is what we are trying toachieve. There are many resources in yourcommunity and neighborhood to help you withpositive parenting your childs health care

provider is one of the most important.

As you climb aboard that roller coaster calledparenting, we hope that this booklet can alsogive you some ideas and tools to help you enjoythe ride.

Childrens Hospitals and Clinics of MinnesotaMinneapolis/St. Paul

www.childrensmn.org

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Discipline Is Teaching

The word discipline comes from a Latin wordthat means to teach. As a parent, you are ateacher. The way you discipline your children

will help them learn.

Here are three ways you can use discipline:

Nurturing your child

This is where you need to put most of your

effort. Children learn best when they know theyare loved and supported. Here are some ideas:~ Love your child, no matter what they do.

~ Listen to your child.

~ When they are being good - tell them.

~ Expect the best from your child.

~ Make sure they are safe - physically andemotionally.

~ Be a good role model.

Guiding your child

Children need you to teach them how to act,help them to manage their feelings, and learnresponsibility. You need to have rules aboutbehavior. Your child needs to know what willhappen if they are broken. Here are some ideas:

~ Help them learn to solve problems.

~ Show them how to do things.5

Discipline

is teaching.

Disciplinehelpschildrenunderstandwhat youexpect, howto behave,and whathappens

when theymisbehave.

Disciplinehelpschildren bein control oftheir ownbehavior.

Discipline


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~ Take them away from situations they canthandle.

~ Help them learn to calm down.

~ Prepare them for difficult situations.

~ Say yes when you can and no when youneed to.

~ Give them a chance to do it the right way.

Correcting your childs misbehavior

When children misbehave, try to respond in away that helps them learn how to behave betterin the future. Here are some ideas:

~ Let them safely experience the consequencesof their actions.

~ Take away a privilege.

~ Give them a stern reprimand.

~ If they damaged something, expect them tofix or pay for it.

~ Use a time out.

What does consequence mean?

A consequence is a result of something a person

does. When children misbehave, parents need to

respond. This response should help your child learn

what is expected in the future. A response to a child

coloring on the wall is having the child help clean

the wall. A response to a child who leaves a bike

outside is not letting the child use it for a day.

6

PARENTQUESTION??


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Development and Discipline

Infants come into the world ready to learn andgrow.~ Babies learn through all their senses. They

often use their mouth to explore objectsaround them.

~ Babies learn to talk by listening andresponding to the people in their lives.

~ Babies use crying to tell you what isbothering them.

~ Babies need to be loved, safe, and secure.

What should I know about discipline

for my baby?

Give your baby lots of love. Remember, you

cant spoil a child with love.

Never spank or shake your baby.

Move your baby if she is getting into things she

shouldnt. Put unsafe things out of your babys reach.

If your child wants something he cant have,

offer him something he can have.

Try to have a regular routine to your day.

When you get tired or things become too much

for you, find a way to take a break.

7

Infants(Birth to 9 months)

??PA

RENTQU

ESTION


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Gaining Confidenceas a Parent

It will take time to feel comfortable. You andyour baby are getting to know each other. Everybaby is different. It takes time for parents tolearn their babys eating, sleeping, and attention

needs. Keep your days as simple as possible. Tryto talk regularly with a friend, family member,or another adult who cares. If youre feelingreally low, call your childs doctor, or call one ofthe numbers listed in this book.

What is attachment?

Attachment is the strong feeling parents and

children have for each other. Most children whodevelop strong and secure attachments with their

parents and other important adults in their lives grow

up to be confident and caring.

When Babies Cry

Crying is your babys way of talking to you.Your baby will cry when:

~ She is hungry.~ She is lonely and wants you to hold her.

~ She needs her diaper changed.

~ Too many people are talking to her.

~ Something makes her uncomfortable(a diaper pin, an upset tummy, being toohot or too cold).

8

I felt prettygood about

being a

parent while

I was in the

hospital

with my

newborn,

but onceI got home

I lost my

confidence.

Sometimes

it seems like

all my babydoes is cry.

If I keep

picking her

up, I worry

shell be

spoiled.

??PAR

ENTQUESTION


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You cannot spoil a baby

A baby often cries less when picked up and

comforted. You cannot hold and comfort a baby too

much. Your baby is learning she can trust you and

that you will be there when she needs you. With

practice youll get to know what your babys cries

are telling you.

When a baby cries and cries, you need to doyour best to stay calm.

~ Try swaddling your baby by wrapping himsnugly in a blanket and holding him close.

~ Take a few minutes to relax. Put your babyin a safe place, like a crib with the side up.

Then go someplace in the house where youcant hear the crying, until you feel calmer.

~ Put your baby in a stroller and go for a walk.

~ Take your baby for a ride in the car.

~ Try wearing your baby in a Snugli or babycarrier. Your body motion and heartbeat canfeel calming.

~ Try rocking or singing softly.

~ Call a friend.

Often, when you can figure out the problem and

what will help, crying will stop.

Even though you may feel like shaking orspanking your baby, this is neverokay. Shakingor spanking can hurt your baby badly and evencause death.

9

!!PAREN

TTIP

There are

times when

my baby cries

really hard.

And when he

cries for along time it

can make me

really tense

and

frustrated.


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What is colic and what do I do?

No one knows what causes colic. Colic usually starts

when babies are three weeks old and can go on

until they are three months old. All babies outgrow

colic. Colicky babies cry loudly, and often cry at the

same time each day. When your baby is crying like

this, try to stay calm. Try some things that usually

comfort your baby. Take a break, call a friend, talkto your childs doctor, or call one of the numbers

listed in this book.

Does a Baby EverSleep all Night?

Newborns:Most newborns do not sleep through the

night. Your baby may need to eat, becomforted, or have his diaper changed.Enjoy this quiet time with your new baby.

Your baby is not trying to make your lifedifficult.

At 3 months:Your babys tummy has grown, so she maynot need to eat as often at night. However,at three months most children still need at

least one feeding. To help her begin to sleepthrough the night:

~ Make sure your baby is getting enough toeat during the day.

~ Try to increase her last feeding before bed.

~ Keep your middle-of-the-night attentionshort. Just feed your baby or change herdiaper if it is soiled or very wet.

10

PARENTQUESTION??

Everybody

asks me if mybaby is

sleeping

through the

night. I feel

like something

is wrong when

I say no.


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Will feeding my baby cereal at bedtime

help him sleep through the night?

No. Most babies cannot digest cereal until they are

at least four to six months old. If you start feeding

your baby cereal now, it will just pass through his

system. It will not help him sleep through the night.

Back to sleep

Put your baby to sleep on her back to reduce the

risk of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS). Make

sure she sleeps on a firm mattress that fits the crib

tightly. Remove quilts, pillows, and soft toys from the

crib. Consider using a sleeper instead of covering

your baby with a blanket. If you do use a blanket,

put your baby with her feet at the foot of the crib.Tuck a thin blanket around the crib mattress only as

far as the babys chest. Do not place your baby on

a waterbed, sofa, soft mattress, pillow, or other soft

surface to sleep.

At 6 months:Some babies sleep through the night at sixmonths. More often, your baby will wakeand want comforting. Some babies may stillneed to eat at night.

Help your baby find a way to comfortherself and fall back to sleep on her own.

You might want to try one of the following.

~ Stand by your babys crib. Let her knowyoure there. You dont need to pick herup.

11

PARENTQUESTION??

!!PARENT

TIP


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~ Gently pat your baby.

~ Talk to your baby. The sound of your voicewill let her know everything is okay and itstime to sleep.

Start to have a bedtime routine. Your routinemay include having a bath, reading a story,

dimming the lights, rocking, or singing.

If you need more ideas, call your childsdoctor or call one of the numbers in thisbook.

Stranger anxiety

When they are 8 to 9 months old, many babies go

through a period where they only want to be aroundpeople they know well. Understand your babys

need to be with people he trusts. Give your baby

time to get used to new people. Do not force him to

be held by someone new, or someone he doesnt

see very often.

If you have other questions about your

babys development at this age, talk toyour childs doctor or call the ParentWarmline.

12

!!PARENTTIP

Parent Warmline(612) 813-6336


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Older babies and toddlers are becomingindependent and learning about the world theylive in.

~ Toddlers need to explore, run, climb, andtouch. They may get upset when you try tostop them.

~ Toddlers know what they want and will tellyou. They can get frustrated when you dontunderstand their words.

~ Toddlers watch what others do and copy

them. They will do what they see you, otherfamily members, and characters fromtelevision or movies do.

~ Toddlers have minds of their own, but theyneed you to help them when they getfrustrated and to protect them from danger.

What works to discipline my toddler?

Give your toddler lots of love.

Let your child know youre pleased when he

behaves well.

Never spank or shake your toddler.

Put unsafe things out of your childs reach.

If your child wants something he cant have, try

to interest him with something he can have.


13

Babies and Toddlers(9 months to 2 1/2years)

??

PAREN

TQUESTION


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When you get tired or things become too much

for you, give yourself a break from parenting.

Ask yourself whether your child is misbehaving,

or just trying to learn something.

Act the way you want your child to act. If you

yell, so will your child.

Be specific and direct when you ask your child

to do something.

Be realistic about what your toddler can do forherself.

Getting Into Everything

By the time your baby is 9 months old she isprobably moving around the house on her own.She needs you to be with her at all times. Youveprobably noticed she gets into everything. It isthe job of older babies and toddlers to exploretheir world. This is how children learn.

Here are some ways to make your home a safeplace for your child.

~ Put breakable or unsafe items out of yourchilds reach.

~ Use safety covers on electric outlets.

~ Put safety locks on cupboards and drawers.

~ Use safety gates on stairs and rooms thatarent safe.

When you take something unsafe away fromyour child, you can expect her to be upset. Tryoffering her a safe toy to divert her attention.

14

Now that

my baby is on

the move she

gets into

everything.How do I

teach her not

to touch?


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Why childproof?

Its important to make sure than anywhere toddlers

go is safe. Toddlers need to explore everything

around them. They will touch, taste, roll, poke, and

examine everything they can see. This is how

toddlers learn. Help them explore safely by putting

things they shouldnt have out of reach. As yourchild gets older, you can begin to teach him not to

touch certain things.

What is my child learning from television?

Children often do what they see on television. If your

child is acting too rough, the problem may be the

television shows he watches. Be sure you know what

your child is watching. Its a good idea to limit timespent watching TV. Find other activities such as

reading, art projects, or playing outside.

When ToddlersShould Not Touch

Instead of slapping his hand, try pulling his handaway and saying No. Children learn when you

tell them over and over that things are unsafe.Your child will stay away from the stove when helearns that hot means ouch.

While you wait for him to learn:~ Remove him from the unsafe place or item.

~ Try to interest him in something else.

15

??PA

RENTQUESTION

PARENTQUESTION??

When my

son tries to

touch the hotstove I slap

his hand to

get him to

understand

he shouldnt

touch it.


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~ Have a safe place for him to play whileyoure in the kitchen. Give him somethingto play with like plastic bowls, woodenspoons, or his own toys.

Me do it!

If you have a toddler, youve heard this a lot.Usually, Me do it isnt a problem unless youre in

a hurry. Encourage your child when she wants to do

things for herself. Give her a chance to put on her

own clothes, brush her teeth, and climb into her car

seat. This may take extra time for a while but the

more she tries, the sooner she will be able to do

these things for herself and saveyou time.

TantrumsYour child is learning what it means to be angryand frustrated. He clenches his fists, squeezes hiseyes shut, and screams. He may kick, throwhimself on the floor, and make a real scene.

Try to keep tantrums from happening. Avoidtaking your child someplace when he is hungryor tired. If you dont have a choice, bring alonghealthy snacks, books, favorite toys, or crayons

and paper to keep your child from becomingbored and upset.

Why are tantrums so common at this age?~ Toddlers cant understand why they cant

always touch, taste, and explore everythingaround them.

~ Toddlers usually cant tell you in words whatthey want. This can make them angry.

16

!!

PARENTTIP

I have an

18-month-

old, and whenhe gets upset

he has such a

tantrum!


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~ When toddlers are hungry, tired, hot,uncomfortable, or want attention, they oftenreact with strong emotions.

Let your child have the tantrum, as long as he issafe and no one else is being hurt. Let your childknow you understand he is upset.

~ When you are at home, it is best to staycalm and ignore the tantrum.

~ When you are in public place, stay calm andremove your child. Go to a quiet place until

your child can calm down.

~ Some children have trouble calming down.Hold your child gently, talk softly, and tellhim everything will be okay.

No matter where you are, if you respond calmly

the tantrum will end sooner.

When a child has a tantrum in a public place,you may be tempted to avoid a scene by givingyour child what he wants. When parents do this,children learn that they can get what they wantif they kick and scream enough. Dont lettantrums work for your child. It will just meanmore tantrums in the future.

Try distraction

The best way to guide a small childs behavior is to

direct the childs interest somewhere else. If your

child wants something she shouldnt have, give her a

safe toy to play with. If she moves toward an open

stairway, pick her up and take her to a different part

of the room.

17

!!PARENTTIP


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He Thinks Hes in Charge!

By age two, children start to know they can dosome things on their own. Here are some waysto help your toddler use his new skills and help

you both get through the day.~ Give him choices when you can. Ask, Do

you want to ride in the shopping cart todayor are you going to walk?

~ Stick to your rules. Then your child willknow what to expect. For example, he has toride in the car seat; it isnt a choice.

~ Allow him to get in his car seat on his own.If he has a hard time, ask him if he wouldlike your help.

~ Allow extra time so your child can do thingson his own without causing you added stress.

Avoid power struggles

Dont expect a toddler to be obedient. It will only

frustrate both you and your child. If youre always

telling your child No, try to find ways to say

Yes. If youre always having power struggles, try

to avoid the areas where you and your child clash.

Remember to praise the good things your child does.

18

My sweetlittle baby

now thinks

he is a king

at age two.

He wont do

anything I

tell him to

do. He wontsit in the

shopping

cart, he

fights when I

put him in

his car seat,

and he

always saysNo!

!!PAREN

TTIP


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Biting

It is very common for some children to bite,kick, and hit other children. Toddlers get angryand frustrated. They dont have the words to letother children know they are upset. Sometimes,

when children are teething, biting feels good.

Here are some ways to prevent biting.~ Watch for situations that upset your child.

~ Change what your child is doing before shegets upset enough to bite.

~ Toddlers get angry and frustrated when theyare hungry and tired. If this happens often,try to change the childs schedule, or keepher away from other children during thesetimes.

~ Talk with others who take care of your childabout other ideas and suggestions.

If your child bites, tell her firmly that biting isntokay.Never bite your child back. Biting yourchild does not teach her to stop biting. It maymake the biting worse.

When a child bites, take her away from theother children. It is important to comfort thechild who has been bitten. This takes attention

away from the child who bites, and helps otherchildren understand that biting hurts others.

19

I dont

know what

to do. The

other day my

toddler bitanother

child.


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Toilet Training

You can encourage toilet training, but dont rushit. Often parents are ready for toilet trainingbefore their child is. Your son may be ready tostart toilet training when:

~ He tells you he has wet or soiled his diaper.

~ He is able to tell you he needs to go to thebathroom.

Most children do not understand their need togo until they are three years old. A two-year-old may start toilet training, but may not befully trained until he is 3 1/2years or even older.Never punish or shame a child for wetting orsoiling his diaper or underwear.

Staying dry

Around age 2, a child can start to learn about

toilet training.

By age 3 1/2 many, but not all, children are

able to stay dry while awake.

By age 5 many, but not all, children stay dry at

nap time and through the night.

For more information about toilet training, talk to

your childs doctor or call the Parent Warmline

at (612) 813-6336.

20

I worry that

I should bedoing more to

help toilet

train my son.

!!PARENTTIP


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Sharing

Sharing is not something most two-year-oldsunderstand. Your child wont begin tounderstand sharing until she is three or four

years old. The more you push sharing at agetwo, the more your child may refuse. Heres

what you can do.~ Praise your child when she does share.

~ Show her how you share by sharing some ofyour things with her.

~ When children are playing together, makesure there are plenty of toys for all thechildren to use.

Your child will begin to catch on that sharing isa good thing.

Preferring One Parent

It is annoying when your son will let only youput on his shoes, get him his food, or put him tobed. Many children go through a stage wherethey prefer one parent. Try not to make it a bigissue. If youre not always there, your child willget used to letting others help him.

Dont take this behavior personally. Chances are,your child will soon look to someone new for allhis needs.

21

I am so tired

of trying to

get my two-

year-old toshare.

My son is a

one-parent

boy. He wont

allow anyone

but me to

help him.


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Making a Mess

Toddlers need constant supervision. Toddlerswant to touch, taste, see, and explore everything.This is how toddlers learn about their world.

~ Toddlers dont make messes to get youangry. They make messes because they arelearning how things work.

~ Try to keep messy items out of reach. Givetoddlers safe places to explore.

~ Dont ignore the mess your child made. Thisis the perfect chance to teach about cleaningup messes. Let him help you clean up.

Keeping track of your toddler

Its important to always know where your toddler is

and what she is doing. A toddlers job is to explore.Your job is to make sure she is safe. Keep a constant

eye on your toddler and put things you dont want

her to have out of reach.

She Cant Sit Still

Dont expect a two-year-old to sit still. Sheprobably cant do it. She isnt fidgeting, talking

loudly, or running around just to make youangry. Instead, she is curious, she needs to moveher body, and she enjoys talking to you andothers.

22

The other

day my 2

1/2-year-old

poured

chocolatesyrup all over

the living

room carpet.

I was so angry

and I didnt

know what

to do!!!PARE

NTTIP


24/56

There are times when you do need your child tosit still and be quiet. Here are some things youcan try.

~ Bring small toys or picture books for her toplay with.

~ Bring a snack that isnt too messy, such ascrackers, fruit, or cheese.

~ Give her as much attention as you can.~ Point out objects in the room to divert her

interest.

~ Play pat-a-cake or other games.

~ In some situations, you and your child canmove to a place where you wont disturbothers.


childs development at this age, talk toyour childs doctor or call the ParentWarmline.

23

Why cantmy two-year-

old ever sit

still and be

quiet?



25/56

24


26/56


Preschool children will try to act as if theyre allgrown up. At the same time, they want to beyour baby.

~ Preschoolers may insist on doing things forthemselves, even when they dont know how.

~ Preschoolers will test the rules and argueabout rules they dont agree with.

~ Preschoolers have full imaginations. Theymay be afraid of the dark, animals, monsters,and more.

~ Preschoolers enjoy being in charge andtelling others what to do.

~ Preschoolers watch you closely. Your actionsteach them far more than your words.

~ Preschoolers want to please you.

25

Preschoolers(2 1/2 to 5 years)


27/56

What are the best ways to discipline my

preschooler?

Give your child lots of love.

Let your child know when he behaves the way

you want him to.

Put unsafe things out of your childs reach.


Ask yourself: is my child misbehaving or justtrying to learn something?

Act the way you want your child to act.

Be specific and direct when you ask your child

to do something.

Be realistic about what your child can do.

Spend time with your child, especially play time

where she gets to be in charge.

Catch your child being good and when he is,

tell him.

Prepare your child for occasions that may upset

her. When your child is having a difficult time, help

him take a break or a time out.

Explain the rules and what will happen if she

breaks the rules.

Be consistent. Follow through with what you say.

Be prepared for difficult situations

If you dread taking your preschooler to the clinic,

grocery store, or other places he might misbehave,

here are some things to try.

Before you go, talk to your child about how you

expect him to behave. For example, tell him you

expect him to stay in the grocery cart, and not

ask for things in the store.

Try not to take your child places when you know

he will be tired or hungry.

26

PARENTQUESTION??

!!PARENTTIP


28/56

Bring along snacks and toys.

If your child has trouble when youre in the store

or clinic, remind him of the rules. Ask him to tell

you how he is supposed to behave.

Let your preschooler know how proud of her you

are when she behaves well.

Bedtime Battles

One of the best things you can do for yourselfand your child is to set a bedtime routine.

~ Decide what time your child should go tobed.

~ Start your routine about 30 minutes to onehour before bedtime.

~ The childs routine may include a bath, alight snack, brushing teeth, and story time.

This is not a good time to start playfulwrestling or action games.

~ Try to stick to your routine every night.

Is your child afraid of the dark?

Talk with your child about his fears. Your childs

fears are real to him: do not make fun of them. Usea night light in his room, or leave the light on for a

while. Some children feel more secure with a special

blanket or stuffed animal. Helping your child learn to

deal with his fear of the dark also may help him

deal with other fears.

27

Bedtime is so

stressful at my

house. By the

time I get my

children to

bed, Im too

tired to do

anything else.

!!PARENTTIP


29/56

If you are trying a bedtime routine for the firsttime, you can expect some struggles.

~ Your child may keep coming out of herroom. Be firm and gently lead her back toher bed. You may need to do this severaltimes.

~ Most children go through a stage where theyare afraid of the dark. Understand that yourchilds fear is real, and help him learn toovercome it.

~ Use a night light or leave a light on in thehallway.

~ Some children need more time to fall asleep.Allow your child to read or talk to herstuffed animals.

~ Your child needs to get comfortable enoughto fall asleep. This may be different for everychild. Try to find ways to help your child

relax. Have your child breath slowly, sing aquiet song, or hold a stuffed animal.

~ Sometimes cutting back on the afternoonnap will help your child be ready for sleep atbedtime.

The Picky Eater

Having a picky eater in the house does make

mealtime a challenge. Make mealtime positive.~ Offer your child a variety of healthful foods.

~ If your child doesnt like to try new foods,put a small amount on her plate. Ask her totry one or two bites.

~ Dont insist that children always clean theirplate.

28

No matter

how much I

try, my four-

year-old wont

eat most of thethings I put

on her plate.

I dont want

to cook two

different

meals.


30/56

~ Some children dont like different foodsmixed together. Your child may be willing toeat a serving of rice and a serving of corn,but wont eat them mixed together.

~ Some children may say they are too full toeat much of their meal, but they will haveplenty of room for dessert. Try a rule thatsays they must eat most of their dinnerbefore they can have dessert.

~ Remember, tastes change. One day hellsurprise you and like the food he used torefuse.

Helping in the kitchen

Your preschool child is at a good age to start

helping in the kitchen. Let your child help planmenus. Help her learn to choose from a variety of

healthful foods. Your child will learn a lot, and feel

that her tastes are important.

What kinds of snacks are healthful?

For homemade soda pop, mix equal parts fruit juice

and sparkling water. Instead of candy offer your

child small carrots, banana chunks, apple slices, orcut grapes. Instead of chips, give her cheese or

crackers. For a cool treat, freeze fruit juice in a

paper cup.

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Here are some more ideas:~ Be realistic about how much food you or

your child puts on her plate. Children donot need adult-size helpings of food.

~ A childs taste buds are much more sensitivethan yours. Children often do not likestrong-tasting foods, such as onions, orfoods that are not a familiar color or texture.

~ It is normal for many children to be hungryone day and eat very little the next.

~ Children have smaller stomachs than adults.They can eat less food at one time, but mayneed to eat more often during the day.

~ Help your child get the right foods byproviding healthful snacks throughout theday.

~ Talk to your childs doctor about whether

your child is eating enough.

Dinner time messes

You can keep some dinner time accidents from

happening. Use lids on cups, child-size silverware,

and bowls or plates with high sides. Booster seats

help children sit at a better height for eating.

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Power Struggles

Anger is often a parents first response when achild refuses to do something. When you getangry so will your child. When you want yourchild to do something, offer a choice. At bathtime, rather than ask, Are you ready for yourbath? say, Its bathtime. Do you want bubblesor plain water?

Use simple words when you talk to your child.Be direct and specific about what you wantdone. Instead of saying, Clean up this mess,say I want you to pick up your blocks and putthem in the toy box.

Sometimes it is better to act than to talk. Youveasked your child several times to sit and eat her

dinner, but she continues to dance around thekitchen. Stop talking and calmly remove herplate from the table. If she says she wants to eat,tell her she can have her food back when she sitsdown on her chair and is ready to eat. In mostcases, she will return to her seat.

Some behaviors should just be ignored. You donot need to respond to everything your childdoes. Sometimes your child does annoyingthings to get your attention. If you dont react,

chances are he will stop behaving that way. Saveyour energy for the bigger issues.

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I say No,my child says

Yes. Why

does every-

thing have to

be such a

battle?


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Understanding your childs feelings

When your child gets frustrated, angry, or sad, try

letting him know you understand. Say I can see

youre upset. Sometimes thats all it takes to make

him feel better or calmer. Acknowledging his

feelings doesnt mean giving in or approving his

behavior. It helps him identify his emotion.

What is time out?

Time out means taking a child away from a situation

that is getting out of hand or where a child is

misbehaving. Time out gives both the child and

parents a chance to calm down. See the section on

Time Out at the back of this book for how to use

this strategy.

Wetting The Bed

Most children are able to stay drythrough the night by the time they beginkindergarten or soon after. Boys often takelonger than girls. If your child is upset about

wetting the bed, let her know that as she growsbigger she will start to stay dry. Dont make a

big deal of it.

In the meantime:~ Avoid water or other drinks before bed.

~ Use disposable underwear.

~ Use a waterproof mattress pad.

~ Make sure your child uses the bathroomright before bed.

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!!PARENTTIP

??PA

RENTQUESTION

I thought my

five-year-old

would have

stoppedwetting the

bed by now.


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Waking your child in the middle of the night fora trip to the bathroom may cause more stressthan its worth. If you are still concerned, talk to

your childs doctor.

Whining

Some children whine when they wantsomething, others whine when they are tired.

Whining is also a way your child gets attention.Here are some things you can do.

~ When your child starts to complain andwhine because he wants something he canthave, give him a hug and tell him you wishhe could have it, but he cant. You may needto repeat this more than once.

~ If he still whines, stay calm and leave the

scene.~ It is important not to let whining, pouting,

tantrums, hitting, or other negative behaviorwork for your child. If your child gets whatshe wants when she behaves this way, she

will continue to behave negatively.

Catch your child being good

Tell him you like his good behavior. Praise and

compliments work very well in helping your child

understand what you expect.

If you have other questions about yourchilds development at this age, talk to yourchilds doctor or call the Parent Warmline.

33

What can I

do with my

five-year-old?

All he does is

whine.

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Early grade school children believe the worldrevolves around them.

~ Being the center of attention is veryimportant to children this age.

~ Friends are becoming important to earlygrade school children. They need to learn totalk with others, to understand otherchildrens feelings, and what it means to be afriend.

~ Parents are also very important. Your childneeds you to make rules and see they arefollowed. She needs you to help her try newthings, to listen to her, and to show her how

to solve problems.

What are the best ways to discipline my

grade school child?

Love your child, no matter what he does.

Keep a regular schedule.

Be a good role model.

Be clear about what you expect your child to

do.

Show your child you are interested in what sheis doing.

Try to see your childs point of view.

Use stories to help make your point.

Be willing to review the rules as your child

grows. Make changes when needed.

Take away a privilege for misbehaving. When

your child does the right thing, give back the

privilege.

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Grade School(5 to 9 years)

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Expect your child to help fix or pay for things

she breaks.

Be consistent. Follow through with what you say.

When your child is having a difficult time, help

him take a break (time out).

Tell your child when you are disappointed with

her behavior. Tell her, too, when she behaves

the way you want her to.

Help your child improve her ABCs

by helping her get her Zs

Did you know that most grade school students need

10 hours of sleep each night? Children who are well

rested are better able to pay attention in school and

are more ready to learn.

When Kids Break Rules

Children go through stages where they testthe rules. Your child may feel that some of theold rules have become too childish.

~ Review the rule and why you have it. Decideif it still fits or if your child has outgrownthe rule.

~ Talk to your child about why you have the

rule.~ If you decide to change a rule, talk with your

child about how the rule should change andwhat will happen if the rule is broken.

~ When your child breaks a rule, dont ignoreit. Make sure your response teaches him whythe rule is important and how to behavebetter in the future.

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!!PARENTTIP

I dont get

it. My son

used to follow

the rules, but

now it seems

like he tries

to break every

one of them.


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What can I do when

my child breaks a rule?

Rules keep us safe, show us a way to act, and help

us get along with others. When your child breaks a

rule, you need to respond in a way that lets her see

why the rule is important to follow. One good way

to do this is to use a consequence. For example, you

have a rule that no one watches television untilhomework is done. Your daughter watches a video

before doing her school work. The consequence for

breaking the rule is no television watching for a day.

When you have stated this clearly, be sure to follow

through.

Lying

Children lie because they are afraid they will bepunished, feel theyve been trapped, or just thinkit is easier to lie. Children also go through stages

where lying is more common.~ Be clear that you know your child is lying.

~ When you talk with your child about lying,try to avoid putting her in a situation whereshe may be tempted to lie again to cover upthe first lie.

~ Make sure that the adults in your home donot lie. Children are more likely to do what

you do than do what you say.

~ If you make it clear that lying is wrong, yourchild will learn that lying isnt acceptable.

~ Praise your child when she tells the truth ina difficult situation.

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!!PAREN

TTIP

The otherday my

daughter lied

about taking

some money.

When I asked

her about it

she said it

was anaccident.


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Sibling Battles

Grade school children are at the age wheregetting along with brothers and sisters isdifficult. You want your children to get along.

You want them to appreciate and respect eachother. You want peace in your house.

~ Fights often occur over property andpersonal space. Have clear rules about whatthings in the house are to be shared, and

what things are private. Its up to the ownerto decide to share private things.

~ Try not to compare your children. Treateach child as an individual.

~ Give each child a chance to have yourundivided attention.

~ Ask your children to come up with ideasabout how to get along better. However, youare the one who decides which of their ideasmake sense.

Everyone in the house needs to be treated withrespect and should feel safe.

Dealing with sibling rivalry

Sibling rivalry is one way children learn how to deal

with conflict. If possible, let children work out theproblem on their own. Step in only when the

children cant seem to work things out and the

conflict might get out of hand.

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Im aboutready to pull

my hair

out! Why

cant my

children get

along?

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Bad Language

Your child will probably pick up some badlanguage at school. Sometimes children startusing bad language to fit in.

~ Let your child know that swearing or crudelanguage is not okay at your house. Make itclear that you expect your child to obey thisrule in school as well.

~ Pay attention to your own language. If youswear your child will copy you.

~ Never wash childrens mouths out with soapor any other nasty tasting item.

Find a better word

There have probably been times in your life

when you stubbed a toe or hit your thumb witha hammer. Your first response may have been a four-

letter word. Children have similar experiences. Help

your child come up with better words to use.

Talking Back

It is easy to get angry when your child doesnt

show respect. You can help your child learn whatrespect means by the way you respond to her.~ Tell your child that you want to listen, but

you will not talk further until both of youhave a chance to calm down.

~ Apologize if you get angry and shout. Thisway you are teaching your daughter whatrespectful behavior is.

39

I know my

child picks up

a lot of badlanguage at

school. I dont

want him

using it at

home.

My daughter

has gone way

beyond sassy.I refuse to

have a child in

my house who

talks back all

of the time!

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~ When you are both calm, tell your childclearly what specific words or tone of voice

you thought was disrespectful. Tell yourchild how this makes you feel. Tell yourchild what you expect in the future.

Its okay to apologize to your child

Tell your child, I really lost my temper earlier. Im

sorry that I made you feel bad. I wasnt being

respectful. None of us is perfect. This helps children

learn to apologize to you and to others in their life.


childs development at this age, talk to yourchilds doctor or call the Parent Warmline.

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Most parents would rather not spank theirchildren. Yet spanking is sometimes used inmany families. Why? Here are some reasons

parents may spank:

Spanking works for me.

Spanking will get your childs attention and itwill stop the misbehaviorat that moment.Spanking doesnt teach children what you expectof them, or how to behave in the future. It alsodoesnt teach children how to behave when theirparents arent there to see that the rules are

followed.

If you dont spank a child, hewill be spoiled.

Spanking does not keep children from becomingspoiled. Children who are spoiled have learnedto get what they want with tears and tantrums.Parents who spoil their children often do toomuch for them, instead of helping them learn todo things for themselves. The best way to keep

children from being spoiled is to give them loveand caring, along with clear rules aboutbehavior.

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About Spanking


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Your emotional bank account

Think of parenting as an emotional bank account

with your child. Every positive thing you do

hugging, praising, teaching a skill, enforcing a

ruleis a deposit in this account. Every negative

thing you doyelling, spanking, shamingis a

withdrawal from this account. You need to make

more deposits than withdrawals to have a goodrelationship with your child.

I try not to spank, but there aretimes when nothing else works.

Many parents believe that spanking is okayand sometimes necessary. Often parents canonly think of one thing to do when a child

misbehaves: spank. Parents usually spank whenthey are angry or frustrated. The good news isthere are many other ways you can learn torespond to your childs behavior. Parents whobegin using other ways to discipline theirchildren generally find out they work betterthan spanking.

Spanking is part of my culture.

Spanking is common in the United States. It ispart of American society, and not confined toany particular culture.

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I was spanked and turned out okay.

Most adults who were spanked as children dogrow up to be okay. However, this is not becausethey were spanked. It is because their familiesalso used other forms of discipline that werepositive. We know from research that beingspanked as a child can lead to problems such as

depression, domestic violence, and chemicalabuse.

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What to Do When YourChildren Make You Angry

Nearly every parent knows how angry you canbecome when a child doesnt behave. Here aresome things to keep in mind:

~ Remember, it is your childs behavior thatmakes you angry, not your child.

~ Spanking and other punishments will notteach your child what he should do instead.

~ Be sure your child can do what you expecther to do.

We all have really stressful days

Sometimes we may react to a childs annoying

behavior because we are angry at someone or

something else. If this happens more often than you

like, it is a good idea to get help or support from

someone outside of your home.

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Anger

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Four Steps to Control Your Anger

1. Stop!Take a moment to cool off. Wait until youare calm before you discipline your child.

2. Look and Listen

What is the problem? What has caused yourchild to misbehave? Do you know for surethat your child did misbehave? Is your childsbehavior normal for his age?

3. ThinkWhat do you think should happen? Consideryour choices. What do you want your childto learn?

4. ActCarry out your decision.

Ideas to help you calm down

Count to ten very slowly. Think about the

counting, or something that makes you happy,

instead of your childs behavior.

Put your hands in your pockets. This will help

you from using them to threaten or hit your child. Take a deep breath, and let it out slowly.

Pretend you are releasing steam from your body.

Get away from the situation. Go into another

room or take a walk. (Do this only if it is okay

for your child to be alone or if there is someone

to watch your child.)

Talk about the problem with your partner, a

friend, or a relative.

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More About Time Out

Time out is often used when a child misbehaves.Time out works for both parents and children,because it helps everyone calm down.

~ Try not to use time out too often.

~ Time out should never be used with childrenunder the age of 3 years.

~ Parents need to be calm, but firm, when theyput a child in time out.

What is time out?

Time out means taking a child away from a situation

that is getting out of hand or where a child is

misbehaving. Time out gives both children and

parents a chance to calm down.

How to use time out:~ Find a time out spot that is comfortable. It

should be away from the action and away

from where your child was misbehaving.~ Tell your child she needs to take a break. Sayyou need her to stay in her time out spotuntil she is calm or ready to behave.

~ If your child tries to leave time out before heis ready, gently return him. Tell him he canreturn to his play when he is calm and readyto behave.

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Time Out

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~ When your child is calm, talk about why sheneeded time out and what you expect in thefuture. If your child hurt another child, havehim apologize. If he knocked somethingover, have him pick it up. This gives yourchild a chance to correct his behavior.

~ Be sure to praise your child when she calmsdown and returns to her activity withoutproblems.

More ideas:~ Some parents choose to use a timer. Give 1

minute time out for each year of your childsage. For example, if your child is 4 years oldhe would spend 4 minutes in time out.

~ As children get older, try having them leavetime out when they are ready. This helps

your child to know when she has calmed

down.~ It is okay to let your child read a book or

work on a puzzle while in time out. Pick toysor books that help your child calm down.

~ Encourage your child to take a time out onhis own when he feels the need to calmdown or take a break.

Using time outTime out can be used to prevent misbehavior. Ask

your child to take a time out as a way to calm down

before a situation gets out of control. Time out can

also be used when a child misbehaves. It gives

everyone a chance to cool down. After time out is

over, you can deal with the problem behavior.

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More Resources for Parents

1.Remember that your childs health careprovider is a primary source of informationabout healthy parenting. Talk to them about

your childs health and wellness. Your childsbehavior may be a symptom of other concernsthat your provider should be informed of.

2.Call Parent Warmline at (612) 813-6336with questions about your childs behavior ordevelopment. The Warmline is a freetelephone consultation service of Childrens

of Minnesota. It is staffed by professionally-trained volunteers who will return your call

within 24 hours, ready with practical advice,encouragement, and help in connecting withother community resources.

3.Call INFO-U at (612) 624-2200 or(800) 525-8636 to hear one- to two-minutemessages about a variety of parenting issues,categorized by age and topic. This free serviceis offered by the University of MinnesotaExtension Service 24 hours a day, 7 daysa week.

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Resources



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Positive Discipline: A Guide for Parentsis onecomponent of the Peaceful Parenting forHealthier Children initiative of ChildrensHospitals and Clinics of Minnesota, and wasdeveloped in conjunction with the University of

Minnesota Extension Service.

Project consultant:

Rose Allen, extension educator, Universityof Minnesota Extension Service-RamseyCounty

Writer:Tracy Habisch-Ahlin, extension educator,University of Minnesota ExtensionService-Washington County

Review team:

Audrey Anderson, manager, corporatecommunications, Childrens of Minnesota

Mary Braddock, MD, medical director,community health and preventive medicine,Childrens of Minnesota

Colleen Gengler, extension educator,University of Minnesota ExtensionService-Murray County

Sharon Hills-Bonczyk, manager, familyresources, Childrens of Minnesota

Karin Ihnen, extension educator, Universityof Minnesota Extension Service-BentonCounty

Becky Hagen Jokela, extension educator,University of Minnesota ExtensionService-Carlton County

Mary Anne Mathews, community healthspecialist, Childrens of Minnesota

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Elizabeth Myhre, director of communityhealth and preventive medicine, ChildrensHospitals and Clinics of Minnesota

Ronald Pitzer, extension family sociologist,school of social work, college of humanecology, University of Minnesota

The content for this publication is adapted fromPositive Parenting I and II, University of

Minnesota Extension Service, 1997, from theresources and knowledge of the reviewers, andthe wisdom of parents.

This publication/material is available inalternative formats upon request. Please call(612) 625-8173.

To order more copies of this publication, call theUniversity of Minnesota Extension Service at(612) 6624-4900 or 1-800-876-8636 and refer toitem HE-MI-07461.

For more information on parenting, visitwww.childrensmn.org

orwww.parenting.umn.edu

Copyright 1999, Regents of the Universityof Minnesota. All rights reserved.

The University of Minnesota and ChildrensHospitals and Clinics of Minnesota are equalopportunity educators and employers.

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Funding for the initial development of

Positive Discipline: A Guide for Parentswas provided by Target Stores.


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Positive Dicipline: A Guide for Parents is one

component of the Peaceful Parenting for

Healthier Children Initiative of Childrens

Hospitals and Clinics of Minnesota, and was

developed in conjunction with the University

of Minnesota Extension Service.

Documents

Discipline Child