Effective Conflict Engagement: Building stronger partnerships through interpersonal communication

Effective Conflict Engagement: Building stronger partnerships through interpersonal communicationTRAIN THE TRAINER 2010

Goals

• Increase self-awareness of conflict behaviors• Gain skills for engaging with conflict more constructively

• Improve the quality of your collaborative relationships

TRAIN THE TRAINER 2010

Agenda:

Thomas Kilmann Instrument: Getting to Know Yourself and Your Team

Positions and Interests: Getting to Good Conversation

3 Conversations:•What happened•Emotions and Feelings•Identity




Thomas Kilmann Conflict Model


Agenda:







What are the positions?


What were they really after?


Positions• My Solution or What I want• Those outcomes or solutions that someone states at the outset must be achieved

Positions vs. Interests


Interests• What I need or Why I Want It• The range of concerns underlying each person’s desired solutions or outcomes. Often unstated, but must be satisfied in order for an agreement or outcome to be a good one.

Your interests

My interests

ZOPA

Your position

My position

Adaptation from Harvard Negotiation Project

Zone of Possible Agreement

The Zopa


Examples

4. I’m not signing this contract.

3. No, I can’t work late tonight.

2. I want the window closed.


1. You can’t park here!

5. You’ll need to make sure that you have everyone’s consent before you can start any of the planning.

How Can We Talk About This? •You can’t park here!

•I want the window closed

Interests to Issues


Exercise

As a team, determine the following:

• What were the positions?

• What were the interests?

•How could you frame the interests into issues?


Recall a Conflict You’ve Had in the Past

Uncovering Interests

Putting yourself in their shoes and trying to guess what their interests might be.

Asking Questions


Can you help me better understand the importance this has to you? Can you tell me more about your concern? Can you tell me more about your goals? What will this help you to achieve?

How does considering interests and issues change the way you

might have approached the problem?

Additional Questions


Agenda:





3 Conversations: What Happened?


Point 1Count the number of times the team in white passes the ball between members

Basketball Video


Point 2No Talking

Point 3Keep your observations, estimates to yourself

Point 1Do not count the passes, let your gaze wander

Basketball Video, continued


Point 2Observe the scene with no particular objective in mind

Naïve Realism

If others don’t share my views, its because they are:•Crazy (non rational)•Stupid•Trying to fool me

Other rational people see things as I do

I see reality, and my actions and beliefs are based on a rational interpretation of reality.


You are wrong!

I am right…


The Truth

Assumption

“I know he meant to do that!”

The Intention Invention



Blaming is a distraction.

The Blame Frame


http://blog.ivman.com/wp-content/Blame.jpg

The Contribution System

What can we both do about it going forward?

Focus on understanding the situation: What did each of us do or not do to get ourselves here? What did I contribute?


`

Blame v. Contribution?Judgment v. UnderstandingPast v. Future

Repeat v. Learning

Power comes from seeing how you created a situation.

All we do is behaveAll behavior is chosen

All we can give another person is information

Step 1Think about a recent conflict and how you contributed.

Contribution Exercise


Step 2Describe the conflict to a partner in one minute.

Step 3Share another minute discussing how you contributed to the conflict.

Step 4Partner raise your hand if they hear blame.

The Truth Assumption


The Intention Invention

The Blame Frame

Only Hypotheses …

http://blog.ivman.com/wp-content/Blame.jpg

•Different Information

•Different Interpretations

•Be curious

Certainty to Curiosity


•Think about an interaction you had with a partner and how all or one of these assumptions (truth, intention invention, blame frame) impacted what you said or did

•Work as a group to come up with what you would do differently the next time if the same situation were to arise

Group Reflection


Agenda:





Emotions and Feelings in Conflict


What happens with emotions?


Adaptado de Francisco Ingouville

So what can we do?


Active listeningReceive informati

on

Send it back to verify itWhat

you believe

you understa

nd needs to

be confirmed by the speaker.

Your task is to

filter or decipher information and

get confirmation that

what you

think you hear

is correct.


Why?Make sure

the speaker feels heard

Invite speaker to move the

conversation to those places that are

important to her

Help the speaker reflect upon his own perspective

Make sure the listener has understood

correctly

Create willingness for dialogue

Help manage emotionTRAIN THE TRAINER 2010

How?Reflecting content

Paraphrasing (extracting interests)

Summarizing

Asking Good Questions

Reflecting Feelings


•Love

•Anger

•Hurt

•Fear

•Joy

•Sadness

Feelings: What’s in a name?


•Love: Affectionate, caring, close, proud, passionate.

•Anger: Frustrated, exasperated, enraged, indignant.

•Hurt: Let down, betrayed, disappointed, needy.

•Fear: Anxious, terrified, worried, obsessed, suspicious.

•Joy: Happy, enthusiastic, full, elated, content.

•Sadness: Bereft, wistful, joyless, depressed.

There is more to it than that.


Player 1Talk about getting everything ready for your trip to come here.

Active Listening Exercise


Player 2Try out you reflective listening tools

Easy right? Now, listen to what you don’t want to hear.


Step 1Player 1: Think of a dream. Tell player 2 about your dream.

Exercise: Listen


Step 3Player 1: Use active listening to get more information.

Step 2Player 2: Tell Player 1 why his/her dream will never work.


How might this influence the course of a conflict conversation?

VS

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Effective Conflict Engagement: Building stronger partnerships through interpersonal communication