On Manners and Social CustomsThe Hiroshima Peace Memorial Park is a place Iwish everyone could visit at least once, including thePeace Memorial Museum.It is all the more meaningfulto see it through the eyes of someone born and raised inthat city.In my case, I also happened to be very much inlovewithmyhost,andthen-girlfriend,Yoko,whointroduced me to her hometown.We had been a couplewhileIwasstudyinglaw,andshewassecuringherMBA.In retrospect, I was young and foolish.It is all myfault we have since gone our separate ways.Yet, Im grateful for many things I learned when we were together.In seventh grade, in the North Muskegonschool system, our Civics class together studied J ohnHerseysbook,Hiroshima.Thephotographsofsurvivorsalone,letalonetheaccountsoftheaftermath, were more than enough to provoke strongfeelings of compassion and regret that our countryever had unleashed such a terrible weapon.Evenmore so for its use on a civilian population.Yet, theconsensusamongmyjuniorhighschoolpeerswhich remains not uncommon today among theirelders was this measure was necessary to end World War II, and save lives of conventionalmilitary personnel.Many moral philosophers distinguish between instrumental thinking say, using a person(one who happens to live in an enemy city, for instance) as a means to an end (avoiding casualtiesand ending a war), and intrinsic value treating each person equally as an end in themselves.The number of people who died instantly, on August 6, 1945, was just a bit less than twicethe current population of Muskegon.They, like us, loved their spouses and children, raised theirfamilies as best they could, andwere just as human as we eachareineveryotherway.Icertainlyconsideredmyselfcompassionate and reasonable, asamiddleschoolstudent,onaccount of the empathy I felt onseeingphotosofburnedandinjuredstrangersinHerseysbook.But thats not the half ofCopyright 2014-2015. Eric C. Grimm.Some rights reserved.Creative Commons BY-NC-SA 3.0 License, .it, I later discovered.It isentirelydifferenttoimaginethelossofsomeonewhomeanstheworld to you, personally,and then to multiply thatloss by 80,000.Imaginethe people you most loveinMuskegonsufferingsuch a fate.Perhaps the moral equation seems different, from that perspective.Manners and social customs matter, in J apan.And if you are going to spend much time there especially as a tall and clumsy American who already must duck to make it through doorways itmakessomesensetolearnanothercultureandhowthingsaredone.Asitturnsout,thedifferences in customs, including the novelty of others customs, offer a chance to reflect on whyeach culture has its own manners in the first place, and what purposes they serve.Manners and social customs rarely are anend in themselves.It is rude in J apan not to slurpyour noodles, and rude here to do so.Neithercustom is inherently right, or an end in itself. Neither norm exists because noodle slurping iseithersosociallynecessaryorsoutterlypernicious,thattheneedforeithercustomisnecessarily self-evident.The norm of slurpingturns out to be a way of letting whoever preparedthe noodles (often, to the slurper, both a vendorand a friend) that the noodles are delicious.Thecustom promotes a sense of community.Americans tend to react negatively when servedfood that is raw or undercooked.In J apan, it is one of thehighest compliments one can pay as a guest, upon losingcontrol of a morsel due to amateur use of chopsticks, toobserve the food is so fresh, that it is still alive and moving.Some few norms, such as near-universal disapprovalof willful deception (which, in many cultures, also often isaccompanied by an exception for harmless deception for thepreservationorbuildingofsocialgoodwillso-calledwhitelies),aretherelativelyrareexceptionsthatdemonstrate the general principle of how infrequently social customs and manners prove their ownneed or supply their own justification.Manners are, instead, at least as often as not, a means to an end.And, if we also accept theequal dignity and humanity of every person, it is worth asking whether the ends that our existingCopyright 2014-2015. Eric C. Grimm.Some rights reserved.Creative Commons BY-NC-SA 3.0 License, . Page 2 of 11customs and manners promote are worthy ones.If the ends are not worthy, then perhaps occasionexists to develop new customs that do serve ends that we all agree are worthy.Sometimes, manners are about cultivating, through a mindfulpractice,considerationandempathyforothers.TouseanotherJ apanese example, consider the custom of filling the tea or sake cupsof social companions; it is rude to fill your own.At least within the in-group,thispracticeofmindfulnessservesasareminderofconsideration for others, and helps make such consideration a regularhabit.And it is not too big a step to go from there to the next level to scale it up from empathy for ones own in-group, to equal concernfor all human beings.When it comes to driving, the J apanese have developed a habit and custom of flashing thehazard lights of a vehicle twice, to say thank you, when another driver has the courtesy to allowyou to merge.Compare that to the frequency of road rage in the United States, or the ubiquitous useof the horn in some countries to signal, get out of my way!Butpromotingmindfulnessaboutconsideration and empathy for others, is not the onlyendthatsocialcustomscanserve.Sometimes,instead,mannersandcustomsservetoreinforcealegitimatepowerhierarchy.Inacourtroom,forinstance,thejudgecustomarilysitsinanelevatedposition, and all rise when she enters the courtroom. Those customs exist for a reason, because the judgesrole is necessary in any reasonably complex modernsociety, and norms that promote respect for judicialdecisionsandthelegalprocessitself,servethebroader interests of everyone.Then there are other manners and customsthat have existed in the past, and some that existtoday, that serve and promote ends which, on closeexamination, aremore troubling. S e v e r a li l l ustrati ons,i n v o l v i n gparaphernal i afromtheJ imCrowera,wererecentl yondisplay at Baker College, for instance, when it hosted an exhibitof historical artifacts.According to the customs and manners ofMontgomery, Alabama, on December 1, 1955, it was consideredCopyright 2014-2015. Eric C. Grimm.Some rights reserved.Creative Commons BY-NC-SA 3.0 License, . Page 3 of 11rude for a black woman not to sit in the back of the bus, and the height of insolence for her todisobey the driver, when she was reminded where to sit.Disobeying that custom deliberately, andfor political purpose, was an act upsetting to some, and celebrated by others.But the point of theaction of challenging the problematic custom is simply to provoke a conversation about whichcustoms serve worthy ends, and which promote ends that people of good conscience ought to reject.Separatewaterfountainsweremoreexpensive to install than common water fountainsandservednopublichealthbenefit.Alltheinstitution of requiring some people to drink fromtheotherfountainaccomplishedwastoreinforceandperpetuateanillegitimatepowerhierarchyinotherwords,toreinforceandperpetuatewhiteprivilege.Thosewhoareaccustomedtoprivilege,andfearlosingthatpreferredstatuswhofearthesubstitutionofequality for privilege have been known to reactharshly, even violently, to preserve the privilege to which they have grown accustomed.Forinstance, shortly after President Obamas inaugural, Congressman J ohn Lewis received a personalapology from Elwin Hope Wilson.Wilson, it turns out, had thrown a punch at Lewis, years beforewhile Lewis was traveling through the south, with other Freedom Riders.With the passage of time,Wilson came to learn (and to feel in a very emotional way) that his punch thrown in defense of whiteprivilege was morally wrong, and Lewis was on the right side of history.On another occasion, abus containing Freedom Riders was set on fire by an angry mob, and the local hospital refusedtreatment of those on the bus who were injured in the episode.One social custom that I rarely encountered for more than two decades in any meeting ofany kind before I returned to Muskegon, and that I now encounter several times a week, at theleast, is a custom of starting a meeting with a request that everybody (whether or not they agree withthe premise of the custom) bow their heads, while a designated speaker leads the group in religiousprayer.Well over 95% of the time, the prayer is a Christian prayer, and the invitation also is madetosayamenasignificationofagreementwhentheprayerisconcluded.Thecustomundoubtedly feels good, and gratifying, to those who are self-identified Christians.The feeling ofisolation, of inequality, and of second-class status, for those of us who quietly and as a matter ofconscience choose not to participate, however, is profound.To be quite honest, there isa reason why the call-and responsecustom,involvingakindofcoerced or apparent assent to whatthe designated speaker has to say,hasbeenaubiquitousfeatureofreligiousandotherceremonies,datingbackatleasttoancientEgyptian and Sumerian rituals, ifnot long before that.It has becomeCopyright 2014-2015. Eric C. Grimm.Some rights reserved.Creative Commons BY-NC-SA 3.0 License, . Page 4 of 11used to reinforce social and political hierarchy, including conformity of thought and behavior to thefavored message, precisely because it works so well as a means to promote that political end.Perhaps some attention to the extreme case will help illustrate why coerced assent to ideas,is problematic, and might benefit from a re-examination of what ends social customs ought to serve.In May 1935, as international relations between England and France,on the one hand, and Germany and Italy on the other, deteriorated and theSecond World War approached, Sir Thomas More was canonized as StThomas More, a martyr.I suspect that More (who also, throughout his life,preferred humanism to nationalism), if asked,would not have had a high opinion of thetiming of his canonization, which presumablydid not escape the notice either of EnglishAnglicans,orofItalianandGermanCatholics.More was executed following atrial in 1535, but the outcome of that trialnever was in doubt.He died for choosingloyalty to his sincere beliefs, over loyalty tohis king and onetime friend, Henry Tudor the eighth King of England to bear the name Henry.That undoubtedly was a difficult decision for More to make.The heads of the church towhich More remained loyal, from prior to Henrys ascension to the British throne, to the time ofMoresbeheading,werehardly paragons of virtue.Wecan start with Alexander VI,who was despite the vow ofcelibacy required of all takingHolyOrderswithinthatinstitutionthefatherofCesare Borgia, and LucreziaBorgia, among other children.TheMadonnabeforewhomAlexander is pictured kneelinginthepaintingontheright,incidentally, is understood tobearar emarkabl eresemblancetoGiuliaFarnese,whowas Alexanders mistress during mostof the time Alexander commanded theHoly See.Alexander was Pope in 1492, when Columbus made landfall on some islands in theCaribbean, and Alexander also drew the Line of Demarcation, purporting to divide North and SouthAmerica between Spain and Portugal; those living on these continents already, of course, were notconsulted about their views who should own and control this territory.Alexanders younger son,Cesare, features prominently (and, some would say, ironically) in Nicolo Machiavellis book IlHenry Tudor (Henry VIII)Thomas MoreAlexander VI(Rodrigo Borgia)Cesare BorgiaCopyright 2014-2015. Eric C. Grimm.Some rights reserved.Creative Commons BY-NC-SA 3.0 License, . Page 5 of 11Principe.On the subject of Alexanders moral character, Machivelli (who had a particularly closevantage-point from which to become expert on this subject) goes on at some length in Chapter 18of his book: One recent example I cannot pass over in silence.Alexander VI didnothing else but deceive men, nor ever thought of doing otherwise,and he always found victims; for there never was a man who hadgreater power in asserting, or who with greater oaths would affirm athing,yetwouldobserveitless;neverthelesshisdeceitsalwayssucceeded according to his wishes, because he well understood thisside of mankind.Therefore it is unnecessary for a prince to have all the good qualitiesI have enumerated, but it is very necessary to appear to have them.And I shall dare to say this also, that to have them and always toobserve them is injurious, and that to appear to have them is useful;to appear merciful, faithful, humane, religious, upright . . . .Forthisreasonaprinceoughttotakecarethatheneverletsanything slip from his lips that is not replete with the above-namedfive qualities, that he may appear to him who sees and hears himaltogether merciful, faithful, humane, upright, and religious.Thereis nothing more necessary to appear to have than this last quality,inasmuch as men judge generally more by the eye than by the hand,because it belongs to everybody to see you, to few to come in touchwith you.Every one sees what you appear to be, few really touchwhat you are . . . .The above author wrote Il Principe, more-or-less as a job applicationaddressed to a close relative of Leo X (a Medici), shortly after theFlorentineRepublic(inwhichRepublicMachivelliplayedanimportant governmental role and organized the defensive militia)surrendered to the aristocratic Medici following the sack of Prato. Promptly after Medici rule was restored, the writer was tortured bytherulingfamily.Itseemsimplausible,then,thatMachivelliseriously might have thought the Medici who had just tortured himwould then offer him a job, and even more unlikely that he actuallywanted to work for them as opposed to exposing to other readerswhat he had learned (by touching the reality of Alexanders moralcharacter) about the affairs of the Vatican, generally.Alexanders successor, J ulius II and J uliuss successor, Leo X(whosefamilyprofitedhandsomelyfromtheirmanagementoftheVatican Bank the current state of which, incidentally, is high onFranciss list of things to do, now that Benedict has become is the firstpontiff to resign in over 600 years), are remembered particularly inLeo X (Giovanni diLorenzo de Medici)Copyright 2014-2015. Eric C. Grimm.Some rights reserved.Creative Commons BY-NC-SA 3.0 License, . Page 6 of 11Wittenbergfortheirincreasinglyinnovativefinancing schemes for thereconstructionoftheVatican.By the time ofMores death, the nephewofLeoX(ClementVII)hadbeenelectedbytheCollegeofCardinals. DespitethedubiousclaimsoftheVaticantoleadbyexampleonthesubject of then-prevailingnorms of moral virtue, thechurchunderClementVII(alsoaMedici),evermindfulofthepoliticalinterestsofSpain,wouldnotanullthemarriageofHenryTudor (Henry VIII) to Catherine of Aragon, which anullment if grantedwould have had the effect ensuring that Henrys offspring with his newwife, Anne Boelyn, would hold sole claim to the English throne.So, Henrydecided all his subjects were no longer Catholics, and he would head theirnew church, the Church of England.Amid all this fray, Thomas More stands nearly alone in adhereingto some consistent principle rather that pretending rather unpersuasively tobe moral, yet acting for base reasons of personal gratification, money,political power, or a heady mix of all three.F r omamor alperspective, choosing whether tosupportHenryortheVatican(and, if the Vatican, then indirectly, Spanish politicalambitions), for More must have been like Ulyssesschoice between Scylla or Charybdis a disaster eitherway.More is remembered for his choice to attemptsteeringbetweenthosetwodisasters,byremainingsilent, even though nearly every other person in Englandat the time (save J ohn Fisher, Bishop of Rochester) didthe socially expected and seemingly polite thing of justgoing along with an oath approving Henrys actions.Henry was not satisfied merely to announce such a change of conscience on behalf of all hissubjects, but with the assistance of Parliament, namely, the Succession Act of 1533, required themThesentr (door of the theses)in WitenbergClement VII (Giulio di Giuliano de Medici)Navigating Scylla and CharybdisAnne BoelynCopyright 2014-2015. Eric C. Grimm.Some rights reserved.Creative Commons BY-NC-SA 3.0 License, . Page 7 of 11all to make an outward sign of loyalty including More.More declined.WhybringupMore?BecauseMorescaseissomewhatextreme, especially in the consequences More suffered, but illustratestheproblemwithcall-and-responseprayer.Henryunderstoodthesocially coercive customs and manners that he was hijacking to servehisownends,whenhetookovertheentireliturgicalandsocialapparatus of the dominant religion in England.Henrys loyalty oaththat he sought to have More sign, was not necessarily all that differentin kind (only in degree) from the call-and-response recitation of prayersand creeds that British subjects had done in public on at least a weeklybasis, for generations.Who ever visibly identifies themselves, in themidst of a sea of followers reciting amen, as a dissenter?The socialpressure, at a minimum, to appear to assent (even if one privately doesnot), by remaining quiet, is significant and pronounced.And so it is with many invocations at least those in which the speaker presumes to speakfor a unanimous group, whether or not we all are on board with the sectarian perspective of thespeaker.So it is when any speaker presumes to demand an amen or other assent from everyonein the room, regardless of the dictates of conscience of any harboring doubt.Trouble is, in a mixed room (especially in 1935), anAnglicans traitor is a Catholics martyr.Or, as PresidentLincoln sagely acknowledged, as the Civil War ground to itsconclusion, Both [sides in the War] read the same Bibleand pray to the same God, and each invokes His aid againstthe other. . . . The prayers of both could not be answered. InaroompopulatednotonlybyAnglicansandCatholics, but also Lutherans, and Calvinists, and J ews andunbelivers, and many others as well, has it ever really beenreasonableorrespectfultowardtheequaldignityandcommon humanity of each person in the room to demandandexpectfromallofthem,regardlessoftheirtrueconvictions of conscience, assent in the form of a publiclyvisible amen, or at a minimum standing silent while theroom appears to be unanimous in its assent? Many in this City profess a belief that J esus of Nazareth was the son of God, incarnate. More, also a self-identified Christian, exhibited what his king, Henry, undoubtedly thought weresuchexceedinglybadmannersthattheKingconcludedMoreoughttosuffertheultimateconsequence.And J esus, too, did no small number of things that were according to customs andmanners of his time considered not only rude, but criminal.Indeed, he did not even last a weekin J erusalem, precisely because that episode with the money-changers in the Temple rubbed sometraditionalists quite the wrong way.Arguably, using a contemporary definition of terrorism, a fairAbraham Lincoln delivers hisSecond Inaugural AddressCopyright 2014-2015. Eric C. Grimm.Some rights reserved.Creative Commons BY-NC-SA 3.0 License, . Page 8 of 11argument could be made that the temple episode might easily fit thedefinition.WhenJ esuswasputtodeathonthecross,hislastwordsreportedly were, Forgive them, Father, for they know not what theydo.I suspect that some of my dear friends in the City, when it comesto invocations, also know not what they do.And perhaps none of themhave stopped to think of the examples of More, or their own Savior,whenpresumingtospeakforeveryone,orpresumingtofollowlongstanding traditions reflexively, and without considering criticallywhether those traditions work as well in a more diverse setting, as theydo in a house of worship.Perhaps there is a way to have a conversation with an unbeliver,after all, and unexpectedly learn some things about strengthening asincere belief in the teachings of Christianity, or Islam, or any otherfaith tradition, for that matter.One thing, it seems to me, that the New Testament emphasizes iscompassion and understanding for the common humanity of all people, whether or not they are partof ones own tribe, religion, or in-group.Again, I respect and support each residents constitutional right indeed, his or her universalhuman right to believe whatever he or she may prefer to believe as a matter of thought, conscienceand religion.The point is that human beings are all equal, especially in equally deserving dignityand respect, whatever we each may think or believe.Our manners and the customs that we observeas a group can and should promote through mindful practice, recognition of that common anduniversal truth, rather than familiar habits that enable us to remain unmindful of what we do.The Prophet, in his Farewell Sermon, observed, an Arab has no superiority over a non-Arabnor a non-Arab has any superiority over an Arab; also a white has no superiority over black nor ablack has any superiority over white except by pietyand good action.In the Christian tradition, the greatteachingthatcutstotheheartofeverysectanddenomination,isinMatthew25:45,Whatsoeveryou do to these, the least among you, that you do tome.The same point about universal equality can befound in numerous faith traditions, the world over. Andyet,somanyadherentsofthesetraditionssometimes neglect to remember that the principleapplies not only to everyone who views things theirway, but also to everyone who does not share theirview, as well.What is the parable of the Good Samaritan, but an exhortation that compassion oughtto extend across categories and tribal sensibilities, that sometimes needlessly divide us?Cleansing of the Templein J erusalemCopyright 2014-2015. Eric C. Grimm.Some rights reserved.Creative Commons BY-NC-SA 3.0 License, . Page 9 of 11A friend told me recently a story about a local young person, whose conversion from devoutChristianity,tohumanismandatheism,beganinanaudiencesurroundedbyself-identifiedChristians, at the Unity Festival in Muskegon.A comedianspoketotheaudience,andtoldsomejokesaboutunbelievers being condemned to an eternity in Hell, andsuffering.Which shouldnt have been all that funny, evenifyouareaChristian.Oneonl yneedthi nk, f orinstance, of thetormentofG i o r d an oBruno,beingburned alive forheresy (Galileo,afewyearslater,gotthemes s ag ewhenplacedinthesamecellwhereBrunohad been held), torealize why never to wish an eternity of such torment uponany other human being. Whether I share the same beliefwith you, or not, thats another reason why I can and indeedmustacceptandappreciatethatitremainsinmybestinterest to help all my Christian friends become the bestChristians they can possibly be.Because Bruno is hardlyalone in history to serve as an example of what can anddoeshappentothosewithunorthodoxbeliefs,whenencountering large groups of the other kind of Christian.Basedonpersonalexperience,thereisapopulationinMuskegonwhofeelaccustomedtoChristianprivilege,andwhofeelthatsomethingimportantisbeingtakenawayfromthem,ifthesuggestion is even raised that the ubiquitous call-and-response prayer custom might be changed.Theres another way of looking at it not as a loss, but an opportunity.We can have theopportunity, each of us, to have our lives enriched by learning empathy and compassion for a varietyof perspectives, if we adopt new customs or traditions that are inclusive and bottom-up, rather thanexclusive and hierarchial.Come to think of it, perhaps the J apanese have a custom we could re-purpose to serve worthyA statue of Giordano Bruno now standsin the Campo di Fiore, in Rome, whereBruno was burned alive in February,1600 after being convicted by theRoman Inquisition of heresy.The public execution of Giordano Bruno, byburning him alive for disapproved beliefs.Hypatia, Chief Librarian at Alexandria, in415, also suffered an unpleasant fate at thehands of an unruly mob of Christians afterstripping her naked, they flayed off her skin.Copyright 2014-2015. Eric C. Grimm.Some rights reserved.Creative Commons BY-NC-SA 3.0 License, . Page 10 of 11ends of our own prompting mindfulness of the beliefs and viewpoints of others.What if RooseveltPark meetings were to begin, on council members initiative, with an exercise in learning about thereligious traditions and beliefs of others, and when any member is delivering an invocation, alwayssaying it from the perspective of any tradition but their own?For our own cups to be filled, so tospeak,wemustrelyontheempathyandconsiderationofothers.Itis,attheleast,worthconsidering.Thank you very much for your careful consideration of this suggestion.Copyright 2014-2015. Eric C. Grimm.Some rights reserved.Creative Commons BY-NC-SA 3.0 License, . Page 11 of 11