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Exchange Magazine Issue 1 (DRAFT)

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Page 1: Exchange Magazine Issue 1 (DRAFT)

exchange

A MAGZINE FOR HULL

AUTUMN 2011ISSUE 1

Page 2: Exchange Magazine Issue 1 (DRAFT)

Editor: Anisha AiyappaCreative Director: Chloe HeywoodAdvertising:Distribution:Admin & Finance:

Quirky Shit Correspondent: Sally CurrieEnvironment Correspondent: Anisha AiyappaFood Correspondent: Harriet LinfootMedia Correspondents: Stephen Hirst & Stefan MorleyFashion & Craft Correspondent: Chloe HeywoodArts Correspondent: Mikey Reynolds

Who?

We are a shambolic group of folk who got together one day to bring honest independent press to the people of Hull

We aim to support local people, charities, businesses and artists by provid-ing a forum for the exchange of information relevant to our community

We hope that you the people of Hull like (or hate) our selection of features and articles. If you’ve got something you think we should write about, If you disagree with something we’ve written or if you just want to tell us we’re awesome, drop us an email at:

[email protected]

What?

Where?

Page 3: Exchange Magazine Issue 1 (DRAFT)

CONTENTSEditorial

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History of Clothes Swap

students in town, we even had surplus clothes at the end of it all which were bagged up and taken to the charity shop afterwards.

We’re hoping to hold another event in October and see how it goes down with all the students back in town. We’ve learnt alot from this first event, it’s popular, it’s doeable without much cost involved and people enjoyed it. We need to think up a strategy of swapping if more people attend, a free-for-all may not work every time. Thanks to everyone who helped out and all those who atteneding for making it a great success! Watch this space for news of the next swap!

(Originally posted on my blog in 2008)

Back in June of this year I found myself wanting some new clothes, but having minimal funds and mountains of clothes already it wasn’t really an option to go on a spending spree. I put up a message on Facebook, announcing I had bags of clothes I no longer wanted and asked if any-one wanted them. People got back to me pretty fast and before long Clothes Swap! was born.

Clothes Swap! (or Swishing as it is sometimes called) is basically a group of friends/people, getting together with their unwanted clothes and swapping them for something new. It’s an idea that’s been gathering strength for a while now, with clothes swapping parties going on all over the country. Even glossy magazines have picked up on the trend and are offering Clothes Swapping Packs for readers to apply for. Swish-ing offers people a fun afternoon of getting rid of the old, enjoying themselves and going home with a new outfit at the end of it. It’s more or less free too! What more could a girl want?A few friends helped me aquire one Sunday after-noon in Lamp to hold the event, I made up a few flyers and posters and we put the word about. The original plan was to hand out tokens for the clothes that people brought in and then they could use the tokens to get new items of clothes.

When the big day arrived this wasn’t an op-tion, we had so many clothes! Everyone brought bags of things, by the time we’d fin-ished hanging them all up we’d covered the front section of the Lamp. We abandoned the idea of tokens as the ratio of clothes to people was significantly bigger and it was a free-for-all, grab what you want affair.

Everyone was very relaxed about it all, no fights broke out and we all got a bag full of pretty new(ish) clothes to wear. It went down really well considering it was the mid-dle of summer and there weren’t so many

Page 5: Exchange Magazine Issue 1 (DRAFT)

Why Clothes Swap?

cotton for our huge amount of cheap clothes.Every year in England alone, 1 million tonnes of useable fabric goes into landfill sites. This means thousands of perfectly good clothes rot in a dump, whilst irreparable damage is done to the environment to fill quotas for new ones.

Fashion is also renowned for its sweatshops and child labour, whilst conditions for many cotton pickers have not become any better since the slave trade. Read on to find out more.

Many highstreet retailers sell clothes dirt cheap. But what are the real costs of our obsession with fashion?

In many countries people work up to 80 hours a week (there are only 168 hours in a week). Overtime is often unpaid and compul-sory if you want to keep your job. In Bang-ladesh, a living wage (which really still only means having enough money to feed some-one, their family, pay rent and have a tiny bit left over) is calculated to be about £22 a month. Most companies only pay legal mini-mums, which means that in Bangladesh, people are only earning around £8 a month.

Conditions in factories can be shocking – little light, regulated toilet breaks (if you want to go any other time, tough shit…), beatings for be-ing late, 14 hour shifts with little or no breaks…Many adults work 7 days a week to meet big business demands, even though our high street companies have strict guidelines that say that they shouldn’t be doing that. All this for £8!

Cotton picking is still renowned for its terrible, back breaking working conditions, long hours and terrible pay. The one huge difference now is the amount of people left permanently de-bilitated or even dead by strong, cheap pes-ticides and insecticides used on cotton plants. In Uzbekistan a reported 8 children died from chemical exposure in two years cotton picking.

Page 6: Exchange Magazine Issue 1 (DRAFT)
Page 7: Exchange Magazine Issue 1 (DRAFT)

Growing Eyes

Making Teeth

I feel like an animal making eyes growing teeth digging in torte soils and reddish peat.

Crumbled be thy harvest for the sorrows you keep for I am the beast you seek.

I tread below your trampled feet and sit wait-ing hastened by thy own hands waiting with jaws gnashing below the desolate and empty

you keep.

To look up at what sinks beneath to grow eyes and prosper teeth ,To wonder what lies beneath to feel the pittance of city streets a burning flame encircled by your grief , feel-ing the ashes of what lies beneath to feel it growing to feel it growing eyes and making

teeth , burn thy crops surrender to the gnash-ing jaws of the grinding that seeps into shiv-ers and holocausts of vivid additions to all the

visions you keep seeing only apocalypse.

The vales lifted, the lines are suggested the whispers from demons you would other wise

keep.

Growing eyes making teeth the beast lies beneath the reddish peat surrender your

harvest your sole has crossed over surrender your beaten path you have only your self left

to defeat .

Surrender to what lies beneath, crumbled be they harvest for the sorrows you keep for I am what you keep for I am what you seek

jagged ivory teeth sink deep.

Page 8: Exchange Magazine Issue 1 (DRAFT)

YOUR

ADVERT

HERE...

EMAIL:[email protected]

Page 9: Exchange Magazine Issue 1 (DRAFT)

Some Things Keep Changing

So what am I advocating here? Irresponsible gambling? No, no. Well not of that sort anyway. Tonight, friends, take a chance. Journey out to your local music venue, go see a band. Wheth-er it be a tipple down to the Adelphi, a tod-dle off to Fruit, a random meeting at the pub that has some live music. Even in this credit-crunched times live music doesn’t take a chunk out of the budget. Welcome in some local talent into your lives down at the weekly Sesh event

So Pulp I sing to ye: “Where would I be now if we’d never met... but like you just said: something changed.”

As ever Jarvis said it first: on ‘Something’s Changed’ our spectacled friend lamented about accidental meetings and how love can rest on a split-second decision or a twist that is be-yond our control. It’s not just relationships that rest on a flap of a butterfly’s wing but life, luck, greatness - well, everything including music.

A few months ago I was lucky enough to fre-quent Primevera Sound - really just for the big-hitters like the Flaming Lips and Pulp’s long-awaited return. Then fate hit, a techno-logical mess up meant there was limited beer, so rather than join the long long queue, we plonked ourselves by the All Tomorrow’s Par-ties stage and decided to watch some music. After all that’s what we were there for. What ensued was brilliant, a band appeared played music, great music and we sat impressed by this band that we had never heard. That, maybe, we would have never heard had it not been for the some oversight, an accident, some near-proverbial insect causing an indis-criminate draft in it’s desire to go on existing.

That band were Cults and that band still our Cults, and that chance introduction led me to seek them out online, listen, get that ol’ tingly spine, exclaim out loud, download their album (legally) and fall in love with them. Now the meaning of this piece is not to get you to lis-ten to them (although you should) but, more as I have already, about running into random beauty and how it can bring so much joy.

Lord, the fact that I am even writing this comes down to a chance win on a lottery scratch card 15 or so years ago. I took that money to Andy’s Records, where they were out of my first choice albums, so I took a chance: I bought Different Class. And I did not look back - until now - on my spiralling roller coaster ride through more and more music as curiosity and love took over . Yet, it all stems back to a ghost of a chance: a rather unsavy purchase.

Page 10: Exchange Magazine Issue 1 (DRAFT)

Liberating Things to do with your Feet.

5.30pm – Leave work. If work had a clocking system, I would officially be leaving

ten minutes too early.

5.31pm – The heavens are opening. I am wear-ing sandals and baggy trousers. This

is going to be good.

5.32pm – Pass the job centre. It’s warm and the water is feeling great against my

feet! FEET LIBERATION.

5.38pm – Park Street. My trousers are wet and they are slopping around my feet.

Small stones start to work their way between my sandals and my feet.

5.40pm – Spy a friend on a bike that clearly cannot see where they are going

because the rain is bashing against their face. Not jealous.

5.45pm – My foot situation is clearly prolonging my journey home. Potential to slip

over increases.

5.50pm – Princes Avenue. I stand in a puddle. I feel like Bigfoot having a paddle in a

lake. This amuses me.

5.55pm – Home. I think I need to wash my feet.F

eet Fre

edom

Page 11: Exchange Magazine Issue 1 (DRAFT)
Page 12: Exchange Magazine Issue 1 (DRAFT)

Wild Food Recipes - September

Elderberry Wine- Where to find elderberries: hedgerow, road-sides, pond sides- Always use Elderberries in cooked recipes - they are eye wateringly bitter when raw andcan turn your stomach!

Ingredients2kg Elderberries5 litres (1 gallon) of boiling water1.3kg of granulated sugara ‘claret’ yeast sachet200g chopped raisinsJuice of 1 lemonJuice of 1 orange1 vitamin B tablet1 teaspoon of yeast nutrient

Method- Strip the berries from the umbrellas and fork into a large airtight fermentation bucket.- Add 2 handfuls of chopped raisins, juice of a lemon, juice of an orange, a vitamin Btablet and a teaspoon of yeast nutrient.- Add the boiling water and stir well.- When cool enough to handle, squeeze fruit with hands to extract juice. Leave for one day to infuse.- Add 1kg sugar and activated yeast and leave covered for three days.- Strain off liquid into demijohns, top up with another 0.3kg of sugar in each and, if necessary, with cooled boiled water.- Leave to ferment in a warm (65-75 degrees), dark place.- Rack off the lees (separate wine from sediment) into a clean demijohn when bubbling has subsid-ed. (there are many fun ways to ‘rack’ your ‘lees’ if you look online)- Rack again 6 weeks later (If you leave the ‘lees’- sediment - you get a bitter aftertaste)- Bottle in dark green bottles when wine is clear (use a candle/torch to shine through) and there has been no activity for some time.

Mature for at least 6 months before drinking. Enjoy:) Get merry or wait 3 years before opening and merry just got more fun...

Welcome to the first Wild section - the part where we talk about the abundant foods andmedicines that are lying outside your doorstep for you to enjoy... for free!

Now, I know what a lot of you are thinking - the film ʻInto the Wildʼ did not help much, butlet me tell you now - this section is strictly for those that love food, that savour it. The wildmovement is not about sacrifice, lost hippies or living off one berry a day. It is aboutenjoyment, health and abundance as well as living more locally, and being moreindependent (Itʼs also kind of like a treasure hunt:).

Be warned, there will be mud, the occasional in-sect, and the general outdoors involved,but this is not an extremist survival guide. These are merely some fun ideas that you canadd to your daily feast to make it tastier, healthier, cheaper and that little bit more sensitiveto nature.

September A very bountiful month for our hedgerow. Elder-berries for a deep sweet wine, wildhazelnuts for your breakfast or with chocolate on toast, raspberries for being generallyscrumptious, rosehips cough syrup for the cold season - and many many ediblemushrooms - giant puffball, shaggy inkcaps, horse and parasol mushrooms.Now, whilst most wild edible plants are easy to identify...

MAKE SURE YOU ARE OR AN EXPERT OR HAVE A RELIABLE GUIDE BEFOREEATING WILD MUSHROOMS - the wrong species can be LETHAL or CAUSESEVERE SIDE EFFECTS.

Some tasty Autumn recipes to warm you into our Colder climes...

Page 13: Exchange Magazine Issue 1 (DRAFT)

Wild Food Recipes - September

Chocolate Hazelnut spread- Where to find hazelnuts: edges of woods, hedgerow, scrubland, Pearson park wildlifegarden!- Hazelnuts ripen mid-end of september, and should be a light red-brown. Dark/grey-brownmeans they are past their peak.

Ingredients1 1/2 cups hazelnuts1 tsp vanilla3/4 cup powdered sugar1/4 cup cocoa3-4 tbsp vegetable or safflower oil2 tbsp soy milk

Method- Grind the hazelnuts in a food processor to a fine powder- Add the rest of the ingredients and process again, until smooth and creamy. You can addmore or less milk depending on the consistency you want.

Ta Daaaa!

Raspberry jam- Where to find raspberries : with brambles on hedgerows and edges of woods, Hull- Raspberry leaf tea is a well known womenʼs health tonic; gives relief from painful periods, prepares the womb for childbirth and acts as a soothing remedy for fevers. And the berries are bloomin’ tasty as well as high in anit-oxidants and vit C! Bit of a superplantreally.

Ingredients450g raspberries450g granulated sugar

MethodPreheat the oven to 170°C, gas mark 3

- Sterilise some jam jars; place 3 thoroughly clean 200ml jars on their sides in the oven for10 minutes. Then turn off the oven, leaving the jars inside until the jam is ready to pot.- Place 2-3 saucers in the freezer to chill.- Rinse the raspberries. Place in a pan and cook over a gentle heat for 2-3 minutes until thejuices are just beginning to run.- Add the sugar and stir over a gentle heat for 1-2 minutes until the sugar has dissolved.- Then increase the heat and bring to a vigorous boil for 5-10 minutes.- Remove from the heat and test the jam by dab-bing a little on one of the cold saucers. Coolfor a few seconds, then push the jam with your fingertip. If it wrinkles, it has reachedsetting point. If not, boil for a further 2 minutes then test again. When the setting point isreached, spoon the jam into the jars. Cover the surface with a disc of waxed paper andseal with a lid. Label and store in a cool dark place for up to 3 weeks.- Spread it on thin toast with a sprinkling of cin-namon...- If you like a bit of fire in your belly add one red chilli to the mix. Bite!

Page 14: Exchange Magazine Issue 1 (DRAFT)

Thunk on pink plush carpet; the stout wooden legs to arms!

This is the call: time to tip the eveningpaper (and jack russell) on the floor

Time to plump up the upholstery and dust off the pipe ashes.

This is the armchair revolution!

For So many years these forgotten, Sat on creatures have suffered;

Heaving under the weight of elaborate monologuesPuffed through cigarettes Spat through cold coffee

About The World, The State of It and How It’s All Gone Wrong.

(And of course What Should be done About It)

They have agonised behind rantingsCreaked as Atlas to his globe with all the

stories of gore and violenceOf stabbings shootings In All The Wrong Areas

Of Genocide and cats stuck up treesThen back to the morning cup of tea (spilt

on the newly dusted arm of course),And 9-5 whats for dinner and maybe the

cinema tomorrow night?

Well from chintz to checks these fixtures have had enough.If the human race consists of stationary

backsides with talking mouthsSapping the entire Amazon of coffee beans intheir quest to rant the world a Better Place

Then the armchairs are uprising.Mutinising.

Revolutionising.

There will be Armchair Outreach Programmes -to all those broken and cracked legs.

There will be Armchair International Aid -to put some stuffing back into those

deprived cushions.

There will be regular armchair sponsoredtree plantings - to ensure no armchairs areexploiting the world’s furnishing resources.And of course not forgetting the NationalSociety Against Cruelty to Armchairs - abroken armchair is still a valuable one!

We need you!

The

Arm

chair R

evo

luti

on

Page 15: Exchange Magazine Issue 1 (DRAFT)

Your AdvertHere...

Email:

[email protected]

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Email:

[email protected]

Page 16: Exchange Magazine Issue 1 (DRAFT)

LiveFoals, Wild Beasts, and Maps and Atlases @ Hull University

Chicago four-piece Maps & Atlases twist the night into a beginning, sounding like a Gruff Rhys side project with better gui-tars, but lacking the captivating choruses.

Next up Wild Beasts, a band one should re-ally like (spoken in the best Queen’s English; of course) if only you could see behind the sing-er’s annoying falsetto… I say falsetto but it has a certain amateur-dramatic operatic feel and leaves me wishing that the fat lady would sing.

How did all this fun come from Foals? A band that had originally threaten to go in such a pre-tentious direction, see exhibit A: ‘Try This On Your Piano’ – although the beautifully twinkling guitars are still present, nobody could have pre-dicted just how beat driven, verging on disco-esque, these young horses would become and then there is the all consuming live show. De-spite the dropping of the experimental edges – basically tonight’s set consists of one great long song; beautifully ebbing and flowing, but occa-sionally samey – the attitude remains and you are reminded of this during the sly wit of ‘French Open.’ Hull Fair may not be for a few weeks but the bright lights and spiraling sounds see a carnival atmosphere develop as crowd writhe about on the waves of Hummer and Cassius. Just after I have announced to a friend that Foals never play encores (and that, anyway, they have no material left- WRONG), Yan-nis and company pop up, and crash into ‘Two Steps Twice’ with banging precision. The dance party may have come to an end, but the ech-oes of those oscillating guitars (damn fine guitars that they are) continue to ring around our heads as we samba towards the door.

Lyca Sleep and Ernest@ Linnet and Lark

Potential is a strange word and its meaning is subject to great confusion. Often it is tak-en as a compliment but it can be an insult-ing as it suggests that you are not achieving what you could. We all as humans have the potential for immense beauty. Most of us will simply remain in the ether of potential. The enlightened are juxtaposed for they are lucky enough to sample it, for a fleeting moment they inspire but their luck turns as the beau-ty fades and they return. Forever doomed to try again. Few are the truly blessed who cap-ture, hold it and captivate. If we are all to be judged by the best things we do, tonight’s two bands are heavenly but within the categories put forth they are simply the enlightened.

Ernest arrive and immediately seek to im-press. The first song rises, journeys and sprawls into amazement. For the rest of their set they struggle to maintain such heights for anything but mere flashes. Their sound constantly shifts but with such movement it seems to tire and scatters disappointment

Lyca Sleep begin turned inward, by facing one another perhaps they hope that their energies will be captured. Their sound wanders and creeps, it entices us with moments of spiralling intoxication but something is wrong. They float without ever really taking us anywhere. There is an intensity that doesn’t quite seem to gath-er. The intent just falls short and fails to inspire. Their effort is recognised but never totally con-vinces. The swirling sound that has tasted am-brosia gently reaches out before desperately clasping for luscious wonder but contrives to fall just short. Lyca Sleep are a band to be wary of, definitely worth more than a thought with much potential but for now that is all they seem to be.

Page 17: Exchange Magazine Issue 1 (DRAFT)

LiveBiffy Clyro and The Lovvers @ Hull University

The Lovvers are out of place in a cavenous venue, with their bite and snarl they are more than at home in tight little venues where you can see the whites of their eyes – maybe then the whole experience would be sweep you away. However, as it is despite the blood, the sweat and the tears (how many clichés can I pack into this review?) you just come away wondering where the songs were. What can you say about dear Biffy Clyro? They aren’t the quite the rock behemoth that you expect nor are they purveyors of pure inde-pendent thinking. Maybe they are somewhat stuck in between but it doesn’t make them any less captivating. Biffy have quite a big nod to make towards their fanbase as it is their loy-alty that continues to propel the band onwards and tonight you can feel that devotion; there are the chants and cheers that any band re-ceive and then there is the look on people’s faces as they play another person’s favourite song – it is impossible to not get carried away by such adulation. Biffy Clyro themselves build, they spiral, they chug and then without warn-ing they peak, stop and start again but not at the end of a song, in mid-flow they just up and start again, and then they repeat it: mes-merisingly frustrating but joyous nonetheless.

Franz Ferdinand and Panico @ The Adel-phi Live Review

A few years ago Oasis paid lip service to the “intimate” live venue on their Noise and Con-fusion tour but in truth they rarely played a show to less than 500 people. The mere men-tion of a gig without a barrier to separate the band from the fans would cause Chris Mar-tin to get his Nanny to change his nappy. In this time of big time Charlies who can we turn to? Franz Ferdinand are the only band with their hand in the air, screaming “me, Sir!” So here we find them at arguably the most inti-mate and independent venue in the country.

Chile’s Panico are supporting and have a tough job entertaining a crowd that just want to get as close to Kapronos and com-pany as they can. However, for those who manage to put the excitement to one side and concentrate a compulsive indie-elec-tronica act with the power to mesmerise.

Franz Ferdinand arrive in a taxi – presumably from the pub 100 metres down the road that they were spotted in and jump straight onto stage with the artistic chop of opener ‘Michael’. The Adelphi crowd goes crazy and continue to even with the band playing a number of newer songs such as ‘Kiss Me Kathryn’ and ‘Ulysses’, which reveals a pop-funk edge to the usual post-punk. Oldie ‘Take Me Out’ sounds raw and refreshed; a million miles from the stale, overplayed monstrosity that it had become.

With “Indie” stuck in something of an identity crisis we need bands willing to take a chance of giving something enthralling back to the fans and tonight Franz Ferdinand certainly did – how did we ever doubt them? Now it is over to the rest of the mainstream darlings: dare you?

Page 18: Exchange Magazine Issue 1 (DRAFT)

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Page 19: Exchange Magazine Issue 1 (DRAFT)

PreviewsMelt Banana @ The Adelphi on the 19th November

Start the sirens Melt Banana are coming to Hull all the way from Japan. It’s going to be loud, it’s going to be a lot silly and it’s going to be amazing. This really isn’t a gig for the faint hearted. Despite having been quiet for the last couple of years, Melt Banana have been realis-ing noisey albums since 1994. At around this point I would normally tell you what to expect but to be honest I really don’t know. I’m pret-ty certain that there will be random fractured noises that move backwards, forwards, left, right, and other directions that are yet to have been discovered. This is all packed into songs that we rarely exceed the 2 minute marked. You are unlikely to find anything that repre-sents a conventional tune. This is punk gone mad, with a lot of unconventional sound shapes thrown around for good measure. At the time of writing it’s still a month away but my brain is beginning to bleed and my face is melting.

Musicforone and Cellobela @the Adelphi 6th November

It’s not everyday that you get a pairing of bands with credentials such as these. Musicforone have performed alongside the performed along-side the cream of Constellation records, includ-ing members of Godspeed You! Black Emperor. Cellobella aka Bella Emerson also has a pret-ty impressive list of links, these include the excellent Charlottefield. She can also boast of of playing Cello for British Sea Power.

All in all we can probably expect some epic abstractions into the world of post rock. Much of the gig will probably be one of a kind with both artists relying on a great deal of improvi-sation. A gig like this may simply not be able to be repeated, so be there or forever miss out on something guaranteed to be special.

Beached Festival @ Scarborough Beach, 14th-17th August

Girls get ready to rock out in your bikinis and boys get ready to dance in your Speedos as Scarborough’s Beached Festival is back. Head-liners for the Saturday night are York boys, One Night Only - back for the second year running following a year of commercial suc-cess. Hijack Oscar will also be bringing their dark twisted blues-rock to what will hopefully be a Sunday of sun, surf and tunes. A new addition is the perimeter fence to ensure the safety of festival goers but the festival will re-main completely and utterly FREE! What bet-ter way to celebrate the height of summer.

Beverley Folk Festival@ Various Venues in Beverley 20-22nd June

Here is our annual preview for Beverley Folk Festival, we can’t ignore a festival that is cel-ebrating it’s 25 anniversary and still manages to be pushing the boundaries of Folk in this country. As ever the centre of the action is Bev-erley leisure centre however it also takes in the Memorial Hall, St Mary’s Church and creates it’s own festival village for the weekend along with it’s the ever expanding fringe event. Much antic-ipated guests include the legendary Buzzcocks, living folk legends Waterson: Carthy and Water-son agit-popsters Chumbawaba and let no one forget The Ukulele Orchestra of Great Britain.

Page 20: Exchange Magazine Issue 1 (DRAFT)

Dear Edna...

Dear Edna,I am a bit of a loner – i don’t really go out-side very often and just stay in my roomall the time, typing up stories about fight-ing robots. I really want to find a girl-friend but i don’t know how to go about it!! Please help!! [Arnold, 15]

Dear Arnold,I think you should look on the bright side. If you keep going on like this, perhaps you will evolve extremely long supple fingers from all that typing your doing. The problem is, when you meet a girl you won’t actually know what to do with them! I strongly suggest that you start going outside. You don’t mention how ugly you are but i’m sure if you put a bag over your head it won’t be a problem.

Dear Edna,I have been in a happy loving relationship with my boyfriend for about 5 years, butrecently he has been acting a bit weird which i think is due to stress at work. He has taken to carrying around with him a ‘happy balloon friend’ on a piece of stringeverywhere he goes. What should I do? [Thelma, 34]

Dear Thelma,If I were you, I’d pop it.

Dear Edna,I think I am being haunted by a ghost. I believe that it is a ghost from medievaltimes because I regularly become pos-sessed with the need to do medievalformation dancing. This inclination seems to strike at the most inconvenient oftimes such as in the supermarket, or dur-ing my speech at my father’s funeral. Ireally wanted to share this with you as a problem shared is a problem halved. Please could you give me some advice? [anon, 41]

Dear Anon,Who do you think i am? A PSYCHIC?! How on earth am I supposed to help you? Im too busy laughing! I strongly recommend that you au-dition for britains got talent you’ll go down a right storm there. Who cares if you are being haunted by a ghost I think medieval formation dancings flippin hilarious!

Dear Edna,I cannot go outside my house unless i have spent four hours putting on severallayers of makeup. My mother says that I put on way too much makeup but i thinkshe’s wrong. How do you get her to stop hassling me about it? [lucy, 18]

Dear LucyI don’t really understand why people put on as much makeup as you do. However, I am curi-ous to wonder how on earth you get it all off. Do you have a nice collection of flowery gar-dening trowels for this purpose? Listen, if you are doing it because you think your ugly, just put a bag over your head. You mother will cer-tainly stop hassling you if you follow my advice!