Family Guy - Cinco de Home Alone (4)

8/9/2019 Family Guy - Cinco de Home Alone (4)

1/26

FAMILY GUY

"Cinco De Home Alone"

Written by Rodney Ohebsion

Copyright 2015


2/26

INT. GRIFFIN HOME (BEDROOM) - DAY

Peter is sitting on the bed, and Lois is standing by thedoor.

LOIS

OK Peter. I’m leaving. I’ll be homeon Monday.

PETERWhere are you going?

LOISAtlantic City.

PETERAtlantic City? That name soundsfamiliar. Atlantic City . AtlanticCity . Is that the city with all of

those salty lakes?

LOISNo. That’s Salt Lake City.

PETERAtlantic City . Atlantic City . ...Oh! I think I know! Atlantic City is that city where the Kansas City Chiefs play.

LOISThat’s Kansas City.

PETERI think I got it now. Atlantic City is the city where all thoseMexicans live.

LOISThat’s Mexico City. Peter--you’refocusing too much on the word"city." That’s why you keep onthinking of other cities whosenames end with the word "city." I’mgoing to Atlantic City.

PETERRight. OK. I’ll focus less on theword "city." Atlantic City.Atlantic City. ... Um. Is that thecity where I pee all over thetoilet seat every morning?


3/26

2.

LOISThat’s our bathroom.

INT. GRIFFIN HOME (BATHROOM) - DAY

(Flashback scene)

Peter walks in, uses a screwdriver to detach the seat fromthe toilet, and then takes it into the shower and urinateson it.

PETER(calls out to Lois)

Honey. I’m done peeing all over thetoilet seat.

LOIS (O.S.)For the last time, Peter! You’re

supposed to pee in the toilet.

PETERWhy would I do that? I wouldn’twant to make our clean toilet waterall urine-y.


PETERWell where’s Atlantic City?

LOISNew Jersey.

PETERNew Jersey? That sounds familiar.New Jersey. New Jersey. ... Is thatthe city where the Kansas CityChiefs play?

LOISNew Jersey is a state that’s 300miles from here.

PETERAnother state? Lois. You can’tcross state lines without yourhusband.

LOISWhy not?


4/26

3.

PETERIt’s illegal according to ourMuslim President--Barrack HusseinObama.

LOIS

Peter. Now you’re focusing too muchon the word "Hussein." Listen. I’mgoing to AtlanticCity--legally--with with the girls.

PETERThe girls? Are they the ones whoplay for the Kansas City Chiefs?

LOISJust shut up, Peter. I’m leaving.

PETER

OK, honey. Have fun. And tell thekids to make me breakfast.

LOISChris and Meg are on a field tripfor the weekend, and Stewie is inHollywood, directing aninfomercial.

INT. TV STUDIO - DAY

RON and JENNIE are standing in front of a pasta making

machine. A CAMERAMAN is filming them, and Stewie isdirecting.

JENNIEWait a second, Ron. Are you tellingme that this pasta maker makes bothfettuccine and rigatoni?

STEWIECut!

(throws a scriptat Jennie’s head)

Jennie--the script says you’resupposed to look amazed ! You knowwhat?! You’re fired! AngelinaJolie...

ANGELINA JOLIE is on the set


5/26

4.

STEWIE...you’re hired.

Angelina Jolie walks onto the screen, and Jennie walks off..

STEWIE

And action!

ANGELINA JOLIE(to Ron)

Holy shit, Ron! That’s fuckingamazing!

She kisses him passionately on the lips.

STEWIENow that’s what I call a goodinfomercial.

MALE CREW MEMBERYeah. It makes me want to buy apasta machine.

MALE CREW MEMBER 2And it makes me want to ejaculatein my pants.


Brian walks into the room.

BRIANOK, guys. I’m off to Martha’sVineyard for the weekend.

PETERWait. Everyone’s gonna be away forthe weekend?

LOISYes, Peter.

PETERSo it’s just gonna be me?

LOISYeah.

PETERAt home?


6/26

5.

LOISRight.

PETERAlone?

LOISYes.

PETERI’m gonna be home alone?

LOISYes, Peter. You’re gonna be homealone.

PETERWow! This is gonna be just likethat movie.

BRIANYou mean Home Alone?

PETERI was gonna say Madea’s Family Reunion.

INT. GRIFFIN HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY (LATER)

Peter is at the top the the staircase.

PETERGuys? Lois? Brian? Chris? Meg?Stewie? Peter? ... Uncle Frank?

INT. GRIFFIN HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY (LATER)

Peter is now downstairs, and on the phone.

INT. JOE’S HOME - DAY

Joe picks up the phone.

JOEHey, Peter.

(Back and forth between Griffin Home and Joe’s Home)


7/26

6.

PETERJoe. You’re never gonna believethis. I’m home alone!

JOEWhat does that mean?

PETERIt means... no rules. I can dowhatever I want. I can sleep aslate as I want. I can eat whateverI want.

JOEPeter. You’ve been eating whateveryou want for the past 20 years.1005 of the time. Even when you haddinner at Buckingham Palace, youate whatever you wanted.

INT. BUCKINGHAM PALACE DINING ROOM - DAY

Peter and Lois are eating dinner with QUEEN ELIZABETH andother ROYALS. Peter is next to the Queen.

PETER(to the Queen)

No offense, your highnesty--butBritish food tastes like wetnewspaper. Except for these orangesausage thingies. These are good.

He eats his last two orange sausage-like links.

PETERAre you gonna eat yours?

He grabs five sausage links off of the Queen’s plate.

PETERI have an idea. Let order a pizza.Do you guys have Domino’s here?

INT. CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY

Peter is holding a toothbrush, a bottle of rum, a pregnancytest, a sack of manure, a pack of Army Men toys, and a copyof 50 Shades of Grey . He takes his items on the counter nextto a CASHIER (female, 30).


8/26

7.

CASHIERHi.

PETERMerry Christmas.

CASHIERIt’s May Fifth.

PETERFeliz Navidad.

She begins ringing up his items.

PETERDon’t you just love it whenChristmas falls on the same day asCinco de May-o?

CASHIERSir--please stop talking.

PETEROK. ... By the way--I got my ownbachelor pad now. Yeah. So if youcome over today for sex, don’t payattention to the pictures of mywife and kids that are all aroundthe house. I’m a bachelor.

She looks at him, and then continues ringing up items.

PETERI’m buying a toothbrush--just likethat kid in the Christmas movie.

CASHIERYou mean Home Alone?

PETERI was gonna say Madea Eats a Bucketof Chicken.

INT. GRIFFIN HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

Peter is watching TV while brushing his teeth. The phonerings.

PETERHi Lois.


9/26

8.

LOIS (V.O.)Peter---you have to pick up thephone.

PETEROh yeah.

Peter uses the toothbrush like it’s a phone.

PETERHi Lois.

LOIS (V.O.)That’s not the phone.

He picks up the phone.

PETERHi Lois.

LOIS (V.O.)Hey Peter. Are you having fun thereall by yourself?

PETERI’m not all by myself. If you mustknow, I’ve taken a second wife.

INT. THE VIEW SET - DAY

(Flashback scene)

BARBARA WALTERS is seated in the middle of the View tablewith WHOOPI GOLDBERG and the other VIEW CO-HOSTS.

WHOOPI GOLDBERG(to Barbara Walters)

It’s so great to have you back.Now, I gotta ask you this, Mrs.Barbara Walters Griffin. How comeyou didn’t invite me to the weddingyou had two hours ago?

BARBARA WALTERSBecause I hate you.

WHOOPI GOLDBERGThat’s interesting. Because I hateyou, too!

They both get up and start fighting.


10/26

9.


PETER(on phone)

You know, honey--the darndest thinghappened yesterday. I was home

alone, and Joe Pesci didn’t breakinto our house and try to stealeverything, the way he did in themovie Home Alone.

LOISThat’s because actors don’t breakinto homes. Criminals do.

PETEROh. Criminals. And where can I findsome criminals?

LOISI don’t know. The ghetto. Why wouldyou want to find somecriminals?

Barbara Walters flosses her teeth as she walks up to Peter.

BARBARA WALTERSPeter. We need to talk.

PETER(on phone)

Honey. My other honey wants to talk

to me. I gotta go.(hangs up the phone)(to Barbara Walters)

What is it, honey?

BARBARA WALTERSI want a divorce.

PETEROK, honey. Just make me some friedchicken, and get out of my house.

EXT. TOUGH NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY

A BLACK THUG and WHITE THUG are standing around on a streetcorner. Peter walks up to them.

PETERHow’s it going?


11/26

10.

BLACK THUGI got the stuff. You got the money?

PETERWhat? No--I’m not here to buydrugs.

WHITE THUGWell then, how many tricks did youturn today, bitch?

PETERUh. no. I’m not one of yourprostitutes.

BLACK THUGWell then who are you?

PETER

Peter.

BLACK THUGAnd what is it that you want,Peter?

PETERWell. Nothing in particular. I’mjust making small talk. So, uh,nice weather we’re having.

WHITE THUGYeah. Except for that bitch ass

cloud over there. I hate thatmotherfucker.

BLACK THUGCalm down, homey. It’s just somewater in the sky.

WHITE THUGWhat’s just some water in the sky?

BLACK THUGThe cloud.

WHITE THUG... Clouds are made of water?

BLACK THUGYeah. Water. Don’t you know nothingabout no meteorology?


12/26

11.

PETER(to Both Thugs)

Anyways. I, uh, bought a lot ofjewelry today. Like, I got this...

WHITE THUG

(to Black Thug)Of course I know about meteorology.Like, I know that a Double Whoppercontains a half pound ofmeat--which means that it’s 150%meatier than a Big Mac.Meteorology. Burger King.

PETER(to both Thugs)

So like I was saying. I got somegold chains...

BLACK THUG(to White Thug)

... Meteorology ain’t the study ofwhich hamburger is meatier.Meteorology is the studyof weather--like how rain comesfrom clouds that are made of water.

PETER(to both Thugs)

I was just wondering. Do you guyslock your front doors? Because Iusually don’t.

WHITE THUG(to Black Thug)

Man. I always thought rain was justa bunch of sky juice.

BLACK THUGWhat about clouds?

WHITE THUGI thought clouds were, like,flying marshmallows, that squeezedthe juice out of the sky. You know.Like the song.

(sings)Juice of the sky / Is outside /Squeezed by the clouds / That ishow / Rain is made / It’s a rainyday / And then marshmallows floataway


13/26

12.

PETERRight. Yeah. Marshmallows.

(to both Thugs)You know, I live at 31 SpoonerStreet, and I’m gonna be home alonetonight, naked, with the doors

unlocked at 8 o’clock. Also, I owna lot of jewelry.

He walks away.


So are you telling me that skyjuice is actually just water juice?

INT. GRIFFIN HOME (LIVING ROOM) - NIGHT

Peter is on the phone, holding two paint can on his lap, andwatching Home Alone on TV.

PETER(on phone)

So that’s when I was like, "Oh noshe didn’t!" You know what I mean?

EXT. MARTHA’S VINEYARD - DAY

Brian holding a glass of wine, and on his cell phone.

BRIANNo, Peter.

(Back and forth between Peter’s Living Room and Martha’sVineyard)

PETERWhy not?

BRIANBecause I just picked up the phoneten seconds ago--and the firstthing you said to me was, "Sothat’s when I was like, ’Oh no shedidn’t!’ You know what I mean?"

PETERWhatever--the point is, she’s atotal skank. Anyways--I gottafinish studying.


14/26

13.

BRIANStudying what?

PETERHome Alone. I’m watching it rightnow for pointers. Oh. This is thebest part, Brian. Isn’t this the

best part of Home Alone?

BRIANI don’t know, Peter. I can’t seeyour TV all all the way fromMartha’s vineyard.

PETERI thought dogs were supposed tohave great vision.

BRIANDogs have a great sense of smell.

PETERCan you smell me from there?

Brian sniffs the air a few times.

BRIANWell. I can smell a sombrerosomewhere on Spooner Street.

INT. QUAGMIRE’S APARTMENT - DAY

Quagmire is wearing a sombrero and having sex with a WOMAN.

QUAGMIRESi. Si. Si.

WOMANGlenn. Is this really necessary?

QUAGMIREThis is how I have sex on Cinco DeMayo.


PETER(on phone)

Oh. It’s almost 8 o’clock. I gottago. Feliz Navidad.

Peter hangs up the phone.


15/26

14.

On TV, Kevin hits Marv and Harry with paint cans.

Peter’s living room clock ticks over to 8:00.

Seconds later, the two Thugs walk in.

Peter gets up and throws the two paint cans at them, but hemisses, and the paint cans go right through the window.

BLACK THUGWhat the hell was that?

PETEROh. Uh. Two paint cans.

BLACK THUGWhy did you throw them?

PETER

Oh. I was... painting my window.

BLACK THUGWhere’s your jewelry?

WHITE THUG(to Peter)

And how come you’re not naked?

PETERListen, guys. My jewelry is in thegarage. Let me go get it.

WHITE THUGI’ll get it.

He walks away.

PETERHow’s it going?

BLACK THUGAlright.

PETERYou know, I have black ancestors.

BLACK THUGGood for you.

PETERThe blacker the berry, the sweeterthe juice.


16/26

15.

BLACK THUGDo you know what that means?

PETERI have no idea. I’m just makingsmall talk.

The White Thug comes back.

WHITE THUGI couldn’t find any jewelry.

PETERWell, did you see the paint cansstacked in the corner?

WHITE THUGYeah.

PETERJust pick up a paint can and slamit into your head--and the jewelryis right there.

He begins walking away. He stops and walks back.

WHITE THUGWait a second. Why would yourjewelry be under a paint can?

BLACK THUG(to Peter)

And how come you’re not naked?


(Later)

Peter is tied to a chair. The Thugs are putting his stuffinto two big bags.

BLACK THUGMan. I thought white people weresupposed to have better stuff intheir homes.

(picks up an iPad knockoffthat says "K-Pad")

What the hell is this? A K-Pad?

PETERYeah. It’s like an iPad, exceptthey sell it at K-Mart, it costs

(MORE)


17/26

16.

PETER (cont’d)$8, and instead of using it forcomputer stuff, you use it tosiphon gas and find cheap hookers.

The Black Thug opens a cabinet and takes out a board gamecalled K-ndy Land.

BLACK THUGWhat the hell is this? Kay-ndlyLand?

PETERYeah. It’s like the game CandyLand--except they sell it atK-Mart, it costs 27 cents, andinstead of using it to play acandy-themed game, you use it to

siphon gas and find cheap hookers.

The doorbell rings.

BLACK THUGWho’s that? A cheep hooker?

PETERNo. I ordered a large cheese pizza,just for me. And a meat loverspizza.

WHITE THUG

For us?

PETERNo. For me. I did, however, order avegetarian pizza.

BLACK THUGFor us?

PETEROf course not. I’m gonna use thevegetarian pizza to wash down themeat lovers pizza.

BLACK THUGYou can’t be using no damn pizza towash down another pizza!

The White Thug opens the door to reveal a PIZZA GUY holdingfour pizzas. The White Thug points a gun at him.


18/26

17.

PIZZA GUYCash, Visa, MasterCard, or DiscoverCard. We don’t accept guns, checks,or American Express.

WHITE THUG

I’m not paying you in guns. I’mrobbing you with a gun.


Peter and the Pizza Guy are both tied to chairs. The Thugsaren’t in the room.

PETERSo. How’s it going?

PIZZA GUY

Alright.

PETERHave you been working out?

PIZZA GUYA little. Do I know you?

PETERNo. I’m just making small talk.So--do you have a girlfriend?

PIZZA GUY

Yeah. But I’m actually working onscoring with some other girl.

(Cut to later)

PETERSo that’s when I was like, "Oh noshe didn’t!" You know what I mean?

PIZZA GUYAbsolutely. Man--that was the beststory I’ve ever heard in my life.It’s a good thing you told it to mefrom the beginning. ... So, uh. Arewe just gonna sit here, and waitfor those two guys to leave?

PETERNo. I got a plan. I’m gonna throwpaint cans at them.


19/26

18.

PIZZA GUYBut you’re tied up.

PETERUh. ... I just thought of anotherplan.

The two Thugs walk down the stairs carrying big bags.

PETERSay. Would you guys mind untyingme, so I can go get you yourChristmas gifts?

BLACK THUGShut up, white boy.

PETERWhite boy?

BLACK THUGYeah. White boy.

PETERThat was uncalled for.

(to White Thug)Don’t you think so?

WHITE THUGWhy would I think that?

PETER

Because you’re also white.

WHITE THUGSo?

PETERI’m just saying. You and me--we’reboth white.

BLACK THUGI thought you said you had blackancestors.

PETERWell right now, I’m white. Yourpartner is also white. And thepizza guy is also white. There arethree white guys in this room, andone racist black man in this room.


20/26

19.

PIZZA GUYI’m actually half Filipino.

PETERFilipinos are white. And let mejust say this. Us whites gotta

stick together.

BLACK THUGWell. I actually have a whitegrandfather. And his name isWhitey.

PETERNo. His name is Blackie, and he’sthe head of the Black Pantherparty. And you hate all whitepeople.

WHITE THUGWait a second. You’re trying tomanipulate me, so I’ll side withyou and the pizza guy, and I’ll goagainst my partner.

PETERWhen you were in the garageearlier, your partner called you awhite son of a bitch.

WHITE THUGHe did?

BLACK THUGThis white boy is obviously makingall of this up.

PETER(to White Thug)

And he also said, "The blacker theberry, the sweeter the juice."

BLACK THUGYou’re the one who said that. Andyou still don’t know what it means.

PETER(to White Thug)

And he also said, and I quote, "Allwhite people should be sent back toEngland."


21/26

20.

WHITE THUGWhat?!

(to Black Thug)You know how much I hate England.On account of the kangaroos andboomerangs.

BLACK THUGThat’s Australia--not England.

PETERSo now you’re saying that he’s anignorant white boy?


Is that what you’re saying?

BLACK THUGWell. I mean, you are pretty

ignorant. Five hours ago, you weresinging a song about sky juice.

WHITE THUGI don’t think I can continue beingpartners with you.

PETERAtta boy! Now repeat after me."White power!"


Harry. This white boy ismanipulating you.

WHITE THUGI think he’s making some excellentpoints.

PETERWhite power! White power!

WHITE THUGThat’s an excellent point. Whitepower! White power!


Well let me just say this.(takes a jewelry box out ofhis pocket)

Happy birthday.


22/26

21.

WHITE THUGIt’s not my birthday.

BLACK THUGOpen the box.

The White Thug takes the jewelry box and opens it.

WHITE THUGCufflinks! Wow! They’re beautiful!

PETERDude. He’s totally manipulating youright now.

WHITE THUGShut up, white boy! I’m looking atmy new cufflinks.

PIZZA GUYHave any of you seen that new AdamSandler movie? I’m thinking oftaking my date there tonight--but Idon’t know if it’s the type ofmovie that’ll help me get laid.

INT. CAR - NIGHT

A MAN (25) is driving, and a WOMAN (25) is in the passengerseat.

MANUm. Before we start this date,would you mind taking a quicksurvey about our last date?

WOMANOK.

MANWhy didn’t you come up to myapartment at the end of our lastdate? Was it A--you were playinghard to get; B--we saw the wrongmovie at the theater; or C--you’rea lesbian? And keep in mind thateven if it’s C, I still think weshould have sex tonight.


23/26

22.


The White Thug is still looking at the cufflinks.

WHITE THUG(to Black Thug )

I can’t wait to wear these. Theseare now my best cufflinks. Like,when my wife says, "Put on yourbest cufflinks tonight," I’ll putthese cufflinks on, since they’remy best cufflinks.

PETERUm. Hello? You’re a streetcriminal. You probably never evenwear cufflinks.

BOTH THUGS

Shut up, white boy!

WHITE THUG(to Peter)

No more games! Where the hell’syour jewelry!

PETERDude. .... White power.

WHITE THUGIf you don’t give me some jewelrysoon, I’m gonna turn you into a

white meat sandwich. 48,000%meatier than a Double Whopper.

MEXICAN SANTA CLAUS (40, wearing a sleeveless Santa outfit,has a mustache and tattoos) comes down the chimney holding ashovel. He runs up to the Thugs--and in one swing, he knocksout both of them.

MEXICAN SANTA CLAUSFeliz Navidad, vatos.

He walks up to Peter and unties him.

PETERWho are you?

MEXICAN SANTA CLAUSIsn’t it obvious? I’m Mexican SantaClaus.


24/26

23.

PIZZA GUYAre you sure?

MEXICAN SANTA CLAUSWhat do you mean?

PIZZA GUYMaybe you’re just a really drunkMexican man in a Santa Clausoutfit.

MEXICAN SANTA CLAUSWhat makes you say that?

PIZZA GUYWell. For starters, it’s Cinco DeMayo and not Christmas, and youhave a Corona bottle tattooed onyour arm.

MEXICAN SANTA CLAUSWhatever.

PETERHow did you know I was beingrobbed, Mexican Santa Claus?

MEXICAN SANTA CLAUSI didn’t. I was just in theneighborhood, and I came down yourchimney, so I could rob you. Giveme all your jewelry, white boy.

Mexican power! Mexican power!


Peter is seated on the sofa, watching TV.

(ON TV) INT. TV STUDIO - DAY

(Infomercial)

Ron and Angelina Jolie are demonstrating the pasta makingmachine from before.

ANGELINA JOLIEI’ve got one word for you, Ron.

RONVaginitis?


25/26

24.

ANGELINA JOLIENo. Amazing. This pasta makerfreaking amazing! It makesrigatoni, it makes fettuccine!

RON

(to camera)Plus, if you order within the next20 minutes, this pasta maker willalso cure vaginitis.

Stewie is standing behind the camera.

STEWIEIt’s amazing!


Peter changes the channel.

(ON TV) INT. GRIFFIN HOME (BATHROOM) - DAY

Barack Obama, Madea, and Tommy Lee Jones are all smoking.

NARRATOR (V.O.)Premiering this Wednesday onFox. The first sitcom to be set ina bathroom. Madea. Tommy Lee Jones.And Obama. In... Madea and Tommy Lee. And Also, Obama.

MADEA(to Tommy Lee Jones)

You peed all over the toiletseat! You crazy as hell! I ought topunch you in the face!

(to Obama)And Obama--I’m not too happy withyou, either.

OBAMABut we’re both black. You know. Theblacker the berry, the sweeter thejuice.

MADEADo you even know what that means?

OBAMANo.


26/26

25.


Peter is still sitting on the sofa and watching TV.

Lois walks in.

LOISHoney--I’m back.

Barbara Walters walks in.

BARBARA WALTERS(to Peter)

Honey--I want you back.

LOISPeter--what is Barbara Waltersdoing here?

BARBARA WALTERSI’m his wife.

LOISI’m his wife.

An ANNOUNCER walks into the room.

ANNOUNCERPremiering this Wednesday on Fox.Peter. Lois. And Barbara Walters.In: Peter and Lois. And Also,Barbara Walters. And Madea.

Madea walks into the room and up to the Announcer.

MADEAYou crazy as hell! I ought to punchyou in the face!

PETER(to Lois)

By the way, honey. Mexican SantaClaus stole your jewelry.

Documents

Family Guy - Cinco de Home Alone (4)